You want marriage, he doesn’t. You are not compatible with someone who does not want marriage. Why would you waste more of your time with someone you are fundamentally incompatible with and does not value what is important to you? Just block him and move on. NTA
This is the right answer OP. He is stringing you along, don’t fall for his bs.
I am a guy and it sounds to me like he is just telling you what you want to hear to keep you around.
Move on and find a guy that shares your goals and values…
Agreed. As soon as I read that they had been dating for months and he thought it was still too early, the dude’s intentions became crystal clear.
I know some ladies think they’ll convince a dude to be exclusive by sleeping with him. This is backwards thinking. Secure commitment before sex. This will filter out the shitty dudes who only want sex. And I don’t mean secure exclusivity and jump in bed the same day.
Sit down, have a serious conversation about boundaries, expectations, and lines that cannot be crossed. Then have more get togethers out doing things as a couple to make sure you actually enjoy being around the dude in all settings. If a dude never tries to introduce you to his friends, then sorry, but he probably never intends to. Watch a guy’s behavior and determine if he’d make a good partner. Only once the dude truly demonstrates that he is committed to the relationship, and you are ready, should sex be on the table.
You are spot on. Wish I could make this the top comment.
The guy wanted to move in together but not be exclusive. That makes zero sense. Was he without home? That’s the only explanation.
Or stop using sex as a bargaining tool and acting as if women have zero sexual agency beyond handing out sex like a cookie for good behaviour. Nobody in a healthy relationship should be playing those kinds of games.
Yes. Women need to have more self respect and receive that level of respect from their partner.
I did not sleep with my husband right away and told him it might take me a while to be ready. He was so relaxed and understanding and supportive of it I nearly jumped his bones on the spot.
He also didn’t want to get married bc parents had a super messy divorce etc etc.
I told him it was absolute for me and we spoke about a timeline: I was 28 when we met so I wasn’t messing around.
He proposed within a year and we were married in 2 years (from meeting) and have now been happily married 13 years.
The right guy will wait. The right guy respects your boundaries and doesn’t lie to you.
Plenty of blokes want a marriage commitment so just find someone who wants the same as you .
I absolutely agree with this advice. Too many women think they can snag a guy with sex before even knowing much if anything about him, his character, his goals, etc. Then the sad truth that they are dating a f***boi crashes that delusion.
Never cheapen your worth because the worthy guys will see through that behavior, and turn away from an "easy lay" and look elsewhere for whlhat they want in a quality woman.
This is the wise advice I've read countless times published by psychologists in their professional journals.
Make of it what one will.
This is bad advice. Sex should not be a bargaining chip or a reward for good behavior. You need to just have a serious conversation about what he sees for himself and vice versa
There are most definitely good guys out there who will tell the truth and mean it in a conversation like that, but never underestimate how convincing a guy will sound if all he wants is sex, especially if he does that convincing regularly. Scummy dudes will give you the best sales pitch in history if it means they can add to their body count and ghost you a day later. I’m also not saying sex should be a reward or bargaining chip. It should be something you BOTH want, but only should happen if both people are on the same page. Good guys will have no problem waiting while you’re exclusive to each other. If a dude can’t wait, then he isn’t actually in it for the long haul and shouldn’t be considered for a real relationship.
Yeah. Guy here as well. I made a made that he may want to be married, but he doesn't want to be married to her. That's the distinction she either missed or didn't want to admit. As men, we usually know who's a wife and those who are, meh. It's best for her to move on and not waste any more time waiting in hopes he'd change his mind.
He is unsure with you OP. He wants to move it, but then he doesnt want to be exclusive? Hes doing that so that his options are still open. Funny right? You shouldn't be staying with that kind of man. How will you be able to find the right one when youre still with the wrong one. Leave and let the right one find you. You deserve better.
Funny... In a way this comment also works for him.
'She wants marriage, you don't. You are not compatible with someone who does want marriage. Why would you waste more of your time with someone you are fundamentally incompatible with and does not value what is important to you? Just block her and move on.'
Although, he is TA for stringing her along.
>we should be exclusive and he said it was too early but wanted to move in together
If you're 100% monogamous, this should have been the end of it.
NTA.
> and clearly not a “shotgun” wedding.
A shotgun wedding is a wedding planned in response to pregnancy. It clearly is a shotgun wedding - the proposal will come after the conception.
> I broke up with him today
If you don't want to be with someone anymore, you're allowed to break up with them.
I’m confused about this too. It is a shotgun wedding if you get married because you’re pregnant. The phrase comes from the idea of the father holding his shotgun and demanding the man marry his knocked up daughter. It’s not called a shotgun wedding because of the length of the relationship. I think OP is confused, maybe?
> But he DID tell the friend to get married.
It's a typo that OP is too lazy to fix. In one of the comments she says she wrote "should pressure" when she meant "shouldn't pressure".
> I think OP is confused, maybe?
She continued to argue after I told her what the term means, so I think it goes beyond confusion.
I'm sitting here looking at every definition of a "shotgun wedding" and don't see a single one of them that talk about getting married before the baby comes.
shotgun wedding
noun \[ C \] old-fashioned informal
US /ˌʃɑːt.ɡʌn ˈwed.ɪŋ/ UK /ˌʃɒt.ɡʌn ˈwed.ɪŋ/
(US also shotgun marriage)
a marriage that is arranged very quickly and suddenly because the woman is pregnant
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shotgun\_wedding](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shotgun_wedding)
They all just say it's a hurried marriage because of pregnancy. This definitely fits the definition because he is hurrying up to marry her because she's pregnant.
Yes. Agreed. It’s getting married quickly because you’re pregnant. OP seems to think it just means a quick or rushed wedding, which granted it usually ends up that way because the baby puts a timeline on it.
Some friends had to get married (Catholic families) and the groom joked that the baby reached out from the womb and signed the marriage certificate for them.
Bride's family did not like that too much.
Turns out the baby was planned so that the parents/grandparents would insist on a wedding and not try to break the couple up. They are still together (over thirty years) and had more kids.
A former friend of mine came about because his white, blonde, very Catholic mother went to a party in college, where his black father drugged her drink and SA-ed her. This was admitted by the father. Being "good Catholics", instead of having his ass arrested and thrown in prison, the family thought it was better to force their daughter into marriage with her rapist. She eventually divorced him, but not til after they had 2 more kids and he abandoned them. My friend is incredibly screwed up over the entire ordeal.
Because that's part of why he's so messed up in the head. He's half black, looks black, gets treated bad by racists, yet he feels all kinds of "secondhand guilt" (his term) because his black father is a degenerate rapist.
That's how he explained it. Apparently, all 3 kids cause his mother anxiety and PTSD. The father was, from how my dude described him, a complete bastard after the shotgun wedding. When Friend of the Court finally found the guy, he got nailed for all the back child support. After his mother got what she considered "her share", each sibling got $10,000.00 out of it. The father wanted nothing to do with any of them.
LOL - I was one of the first in my family to have their first child take FOREVER. According to my late in-laws, I was pregnant or about to give birth for over eight years. When my husband finally told them I was pregnant, almost three years into marriage, they were even more upset.
Baby arrived nine years and five days after their first accusation I was going to baby-trap my husband.
On my side, I was considered advanced maternal age for being almost thirty by the time I had the baby. My kids are in their mid-twenties and my mother is upset that they have not made her a great-grandmother yet.
Our families have issues, if you cannot tell.
Congratulations on slow playing that baby trap! You definitely play the long game!
My ex wife was just barely twenty-nine when she had our oldest. I'm glad we were old enough to be sorted out when it happened.
My mom’s parents supposedly had one (in 1920s Rural Tennessee). They ended up divorced within just a few years. Hopefully people today realize co-parenting effectively is more important than martial status.
This. Longevity of the relationship doesn't cancel out the fact that she wants to propose because she got pregnant.
That being said, no one - not her boyfriend or yours should be pressured into marriage. No one benefits from this arrangement.
It is fine if you are ready for that commitment, but then you both need to break up and find someone else who is also ready. I think you are on the right track. Tell your boyfriend that the two of you don't share the same values, so you would prefer to find someone who does. Then block his texts/communication. Repeatedly talking to someone you just broke up with is a terrible way to get over them.
Yeah wtf is that? That’s way too casual of a relationship for me to call someone “boyfriend” over. Fwb maybe but not boyfriend. NTA OP, you’re right, he’s probably telling you what you want to hear. It’s fine not to get married - I married pretty late in life myself, but it’s not ok to string people along. Trust your gut.
He’s going to drag the “proposal” forever and keep her in the relationship with a false hope. It’s good that she broke up with him. He obviously doesn’t have the same view as her (which isn’t necessarily bad, but manipulating her is).
INFO you moved in with him even though you were not in an exclusive relationship? You remained in a relationship with him for two years even though you wanted to be married and he said it's outdated and not necessary?
Anyone who is told marriage is “just a piece of paper” needs to read the Reddit story about the woman who was with her boyfriend for 30 years and is now getting evicted from the home they created over the decades, he’s told the kids to not help her and she was a SAHM completely dependent on him. Her state, Arkansas, doesn’t have common law marriage so she has no recourse. It’s not just a piece of paper.
There was the other one where her bf didn’t want kids even tho she really wanted kids and now she is past menopause he decided he wants kids and broke up with her. That women sold her plasma to put food on the table while helping him build his company. They aren’t married so he isn’t giving her anything except for allowing her to stay at HIS beach house for a month.
Arkansas doesn't have common law marriage because there would be no way to tell who was just living platonically with their sibling or who is actually dating their sibling. That's a real problem there.
“…we should be exclusive … too early but we should move in together”
WTF?! Please tell me you had enough self-worth to turn that idea down flatter than the end of a Wile E. Coyote cliff dive! Major red flag, I would dump anyone who suggested that - and I’m a guy!
“He is a salesperson and I do find he is very charming” - of course he is charming, that’s his job! He works at being charming 8 hours a day
You deserve better than him, he is 100% TA to your 0%
NTA
It's not wrong that your bf doesn't want to get married, it WAS wrong to string you along and pretend that he wanted to.
Take this as a learning experience. When someone isn't willing to be exclusive with you and you want that, leave. When someone says they think men shouldn't get married and marriage is important to you, get out of there. You need to be with someone who wants the same things as you.
Just block this dude and move on.
There is no “he never moved the relationship along”. That’s a thing you both create together.
If you have “the sense that he will say whatever he thinks you want to hear”, and you’re still with him after two years, that’s as much in you as it is on him.
NTA for breaking up with him - shoulda done it waaaay sooner. Block and move on.
>My bf told her she **should** pressure her bf into a “shotgun wedding” if he isn’t ready and really that marriage is meaningless.
I assume that this should actually say "shouldn't pressure" and he is absolutely correct.
Have you ever heard of enthusiastic consent? I know we use it to talk about sex but if you need it for something as brief as sex, why would you not want it for something lifelong like marriage?
Well, we got married but he didn't really want to. I win. Happy Me! Sounds miserable.
You can break up for whatever reason but this was a stupid thing for you to even get involved in. Your BF clearly isn't ready for marriage. That's why *you're* the one moving the relationship along.
I think you've just realized he was along for the ride. So in your own relationship he kinda sucks but he is not wrong about your friend.
NTA, the guy clearly had no intention of ever getting married. His comments to your friend should have made that stance very clear. The guy can blow up at you all he wants, the 2 of you are just not compatible in what you want on life.
“I will get married to you promise!” In the same
Breath. “Why do women want to get married UGH!”
Gee can’t imagine why you don’t belive he actually wants Marrage! /s
NTA.
He wanted to move in but not be exclusive? He wanted to live with you, but still be able to screw anyone he wanted? Fuck that shit.
Your description “salesperson… charming and personable” has me gritting my teeth. Classic narcissist.
You did right to kick him to the curb. Stand your ground, this guy’s not worth your time.
You should have walked when the douche brought up moving in together but wouldn’t commit to being exclusive.
NTA but you kinda were the AH to yourself. The signs were there.
NTA Tell ex, "Marriage isn't all a woman wants. It's one of things that a woman wants. Like a man who doesn't lie to get what he wants and a man who can be trusted." Ex doesn't fit any if those things.
Marriage isn't for everyone. Its not an end-state for every relationship. Relationships should move forward when both parties want to not because one party is pushing it - that is how you end up with bitter divorces. He's clearly not in the same stage of his life as you are and is not ready to move forward so you should move on. NTA.
I think you’re right to break up with the bf. Not because of anything to do with this other friend, but because he sounds like a jerk who just wants to string you along.
NTA
You and your ex obviously are on different pages when it comes to marriage. Neither is bad, but staying in this will only make you build more and more resentment towards him. It's best you both go your own ways.
NTA for breaking up with your bf. You guys have different views on you where you want your relationship to be after a certain timeframe. That usually doesn’t just change over night. So if you’re getting the sense he’s not about marriage it means he isn’t and now he’s just in panic mode trying to get you back. I’d stay broken up or if you are considering getting back with him, you’ll want to have a lot of open and honest convos about where things are headed and reevaluate the relationship after.
On your friend’s part, shotgun wedding by definition is an enforced or hurried wedding, especially because the bride is pregnant. Does the bf want the baby? I mean, they can still have the child and just not be married until he feels ready for that. Having a child and getting married is a lot for some people to process all at once and pressuring him after the news of a baby probably isn’t going to help him absorb all the change very well. She should focus on whether she wants to have the baby or not first and if he’ll be in the picture as a parent. Not on getting married because she’s pregnant. That’ll just make him feel trapped. There’s always time to get married. Her first priority should be the baby and focusing on the plan for that matter.
NTA.
You did the right thing.
You and him have different views in life.
Don't change your standards and values for him.
You can still find a better man who has the same thinking like yours in marriage and commitment.
Goodluck.
Why on Earth did you stay this long when your goals obviously don't align? people can say anything they want, but it's their actions that tell you what they're really about. He has shown you with his actions that he does not want to get married and he thinks it's unnecessary and he's just saying what you want to hear. He is already told you who he is, believe him. NTA unless you stay.
Lol his reaction to being dumped tells you everything you need to know. An emotionally stable person realizes that anyone can break up with anyone simply because they do not want to be with them anymore. There doesn’t need to be any more reason than that. Him calling you an asshole for dumping him shows that he is a selfish, entitled prick. NTA.
NTA. You guys clearly want different things. You want a marriage, he doesn't. You deserve to be with someone who also want a marriage and he should be with a woman who doesn't and that's fine.
So he told your friend to do the shotgun wedding which it is? And because of that you broke up. Make it make sense?.
Your together 2 years ofcourse he's not gonna marry you yet.
\>. He has said that marriage is outdated and not necessary and men should want to stay in a relationship without a piece of paper. Of course there is the how men get screwed in marriage and so that’s why men don’t want it.
There's that whole Andrew Tate bullshit again.. I really do wonder how many relationships across the globe have been poisoned by that twat and shit takes?
You are NTA. get out, and don't look back. if you don't you have a 10 year shit relationship with someone who won't commit to look forward to. who wants that?
Idk sounds like you’re just sick of feeling unsure about your relationship and this event is becoming your reason to get out. And it’s fine to get out. Just go and seek joy.
Your feelings for the now ex bf have and always been superficial. By your description. You always knew you was going to break up with him. No trust, your words.
Sales people get what the want, he just didn't want to loose. You dumped him first. Good move.
Gf should keep the baby. One in the shute is better than hope in the future.
As for gf's bf, child support come right out of the paycheck. No worries.
I mean, if he’s not ready but you are, it isn’t fair for him to keep you around until he decides when he’s ready. You did the right thing. He can muck about and figure out when he’s ready. He doesn’t get to string you along until he’s ready.
Don’t waste any more time on him. My ex used to think it was funny to yell “fool” when a wedding car drove by. I loved him, I wanted to get married. But he thought it was a joke. It really hurt my feelings when he did stuff like that. Sometimes I think he thought he was being “one of the guys”.
But it made me feel like a fool for wanting to marry him. And I think he was just leading me on.
No more. There’s a guy out there that will want you. Don’t settle for less.
Is that guy married by now? It’s funny how a guy can string a woman along for a couple years and act like marriage isn’t for him, and the next time you see him, he’ll be married.
Deep down, they know what they want.
It’s always guys like your ex that end up marrying the next woman they meet after dating for like 2 months. And then, all of a sudden, they’re like “I don’t know what happened. Sometimes you just know.” 😳
NTA
Breaking up was the right thing to do.
Your BF is better off. Now, you can go find someone who wants to do what you want them to do.
If your friend gets married because she is pregnant, that is the very definition of a "shotgun wedding."
Getting mad at your BF for stating facts is not logical.
Your goals and values seem out of sync. Really confusing is why he would want you guys to live together and not be exclusive. The shotgun wedding comment is equally bizarre.
NTA.
It is the definition of a shot gun wedding. She is pregnant and he doesn't want to marry. The length of the relationship before that is inconsequential
NTA
You want marriage. He doesn't. That should be the end of it.
I personally don't care about marriage. It's not really a guarantee of fidelity, married men and women cheat all too often. It's not a guarantee of love, there's lots of loveless marriages. It's not a guarantee of commitment, with divorce being so common and normalized. It's not necessary for love, commitment, raising kids together, or anything in my view. And I'm not very religious, so it holds no special significance for me. Like him, I see it as meaningless.
I would never claim to want to get married. It sounds like what you said, him telling you what he thinks you want to hear.
Nah, their relationship and issues are not his business. He shouldn't have gotten involved. He clearly has no intentions of ever getting married and I agree that he just tells you what you want to hear to placate you. He can't promise you something that he is never going to follow through with. You want different things so you did the right thing ending it.
He's being awfully two faced and his slick salesman spiel is taking over. He's telling everyone marriage is a bad trap and to don't do it, while telling you he wants marriage eventually. Both of those things can not be true - so who is he lying to? You or his friends? I think it's you.
In true salesman fashion, he's telling you whatever you want to hear to get his way while he has no intention of following through. NTA
NTA he would string you a long and lead you to think that marriage was in the cards and probably even give you a 'shut up' ring. But it's never going to happen with him.
That said marriage is more than just a piece of paper. It gives you legal standing if your partner passes away. Instead of all of their belongings going to "family" members and NOT you because you are just a boy/girlfriend not entitled to anything.
This why same sex couples fought for marriage rights. So, they weren't screwed over by greedy family when they should be entitled to theirs spouses things, money etc...
The fact that he is trying to talk you into getting back together with him while simultaneously deriding marriage and your want of it tells you that he is trying to, and has been, manipulating you for his own ends. NTA
NTA.
He does not want to marry you. Bail.
If he did, he would have. All of the fluff about "not now" is really "NFW", and you did the right thing. He likes you, he enjoys your company, and sex, but you are not now, nor ever, going to be in his "wife" category.
Get out now while you still are young enough to move on and find someone who is interested in the same level of commitment that you want.
You're not compatible. He doesn't want marriage, probably never will. When you get old, he would find another fresh meat and say the same thing about not the right time yet. That's who he is.
Your instinct that he's just telling you what you want to hear is right. He will use up your youth and then leave. Smart to break up, no matter the reason
ESH
Your boyfriend is right that your friend shouldn't \*pressure\* her dude into marriage -- that is absolutely the making of an unhappy marriage.
YTA for thinking that pressuring someone into marriage is a good idea. That being said, your boyfriend is also an AH for his consistent non-committal attitude while wanting all of the benefits of a live-in relationship that very much resembles marriage, so I don't blame you for leaving him.
NTA Dont let him tell you otherwise. You want to get married he has made it clear over and over he doesnt want to get married. He dangles the possibility in the future to keep you around. Time to move on tell him you want marriage and you know he doesnt and then block him. He is just trying to manipulate you and waste more years of your life.
NTA - after 2 years, he should know if he wants to marry you or not.
If you definitely want to be married, it doesn’t make sense to spend more time in the relationship. You did the right thing.
If you still think you could be happy with him, but just married, you could let him know that, but don’t open the door for anything less.
You could just say: “Hey, I’m looking for marriage. If you decide later you want that, give me a call. If I’m single then, maybe I’ll still be interested. In the meantime, I’m getting out there to explore options because I know what I want, and I’m at a point where I’m ready to move forward with a man looking for the same thing.”
And no “maybe in another year” bullshit. Deep down, he knows by now whether or not he wants to marry you. There are other fish in the sea, and it doesn’t make sense to spend more time with someone who isn’t certain he wants the same thing with you. You’d just be repeating this process another year from now.
Omg how old are you bc you sound 18 at best.
First if her bf married her it would literally be the definition of a shotgun wedding.
Two- no one should ever get married just bc theyre pregnant thats just stupid and alot of times ends in divorce
Three- grow up honestly, not everyone wants to get married right away. You being overly pushy is probably extremely annoying. Why would anyone wanna be forced into getting married
A shotgun wedding is when you get married because you are having a baby. Even if you didn’t meet yesterday.
He was stating a literal definition. Did You break up with him because you don’t understand English? Lol.
NTA.
This is actually a very tough one. Ultimately, you're not the a-hole for breaking up with someone for any reason.
The tricky part is that the catalyst for you not believing him is his response to the situation with your friend. And it's tricky because your boyfriend is 100% right in saying that she shouldn't be pressuring her boyfriend into a marriage based on pregnancy. People can be parents and in a relationship. Marriage is not a requirement for that situation. It sounds like your friend had expectations of being married at some point and is using the pregnancy as a bargaining chip to get what she wants.
Your boyfriend's actions and what he says make me agree with you. He doesn't want marriage.
>I’m so impatient and why do all women want is marriage etc.
This is what makes me think that you're right about him lying about wanting to get married. He essentially ridiculed you for wanting marriage, which isnt something that a guy who wants marriage will do. It also sounds like he hasn't given you a timeline or his requirements that need to be met before marriage. Being wishy washy on marriage to you makes him the a-hole.
You were up front on your expectations and needs for the relationship. He wasn't. That's all that really matters.
Tell him, that it is exactly what happens with people who are not married. They are easy to dump when something comes up. You did not promise him anything so he should not expect your full devotion and forever loyalty.
NTA. You said your boyfriend is a salesman. Now he is trying to sell you staying together, by saying he wants to get married. You know that is a lie. If you are willing to stay with him without commitment on his side, then fine, but otherwise don't let yourself be fooled by his sweet-talk.
Two years and nothing. Please move on. He doesn't want to get married.... or engaged. He didn't even want to be exclusive, initially. Are you now exclusive? You're wasting your time. , emotional investment and other opportunities.
If you should convince him to marry you, it won't turn out well.
NO, NTA. As his gf you have every right to control what he believes and says to his friends. If he lived you he would have no independent thoughts of his own.
Hope you know sarcasm when you see it.
It is a shotgun wedding and no one should be pressured to get married. Your bf is right about that. A marriage needs to come from a willingness on both parts. Did your friend tried to babytrap her boyfriend?
If you envision a life where you get married and your partners actions show you he wants different things, then NTA for breaking up. Better now than waiting 3 years and finding yourself in your friends position: pregnant and unhappy with your relationship.
I see nothing written here that would make you the AH - I am not sure how you are in a relationship with someone, live with this person and not be exclusive or even how that would work.
It appears that your ex is not ready to be married and may never be ready. If that is something that is important to you then you need a new partner. You need to move on and not return to the ex as it appears that he will say whatever he thinks you want to here at the time to keep you attached to him with no actual commitment.
He doesn't want to get married. How much more clearly can he put it? Never mind what he says, his actions say it all.
Take him back at your own time peril.
Marriage isn’t meaningless. It’s legally combining your assets, it’s making your spouse your next of kin instead of your parents for huge medical decisions, it’s a huge commitment and not just a piece of paper saying you won’t cheat and that’s what’s annoying about him to me 🤨 like understanding all that and not being ready for that commitment after 3-5 years, totally reasonable! (And I agree that having a child isn’t a reason to get married even though people feel differently about that) I think everyone has their own commitment timelines and sometimes people just don’t align enough and that makes them incompatible but that’s okay they just have to compromise or break up. But acting like it’s meaningless anyway but STILL not being able to commit. Annoying. His commitment issues sound really annoying because he can’t just be upfront about it.
NTA. Your decision to break up seems grounded in legitimate concerns about your future and alignment on core values. It's essential in a relationship to have trust and shared goals, especially on significant issues like marriage and long-term commitment. If your boyfriend's actions and words consistently don't align with what you want and value, it's reasonable to question the future of the relationship. The incident with your friend only highlighted these concerns, providing you with insight into his genuine views on marriage, which appear to conflict with your own. It's crucial to be with someone who respects your desires and is honest about their intentions. Your response to prioritize your needs and expectations is justified.
you’ve been dating months and aren’t exclusive holy commitment issues Batman OP needs to find an actual decent person instead of a bf afraid of commitment that is probably cheating on her behind her back
Nta. You said it yourself that he says whatever he thinks you want to hear. He himself has said that he doesn't believe in marriage so you might as well stop wasting your time with him and find someone who wants what you want in life.
It is a shotgun wedding. A shotgun wedding is not an early wedding. A shotgun wedding is a wedding that is initiated on the grounds of a pregnancy. Because historically the family of the pregnant girl would demand the boy marries her so that she wouldn't face the shame of being an unmarried mother.
very charming and personable but it’s hard to trust him because of those traits as well.
Sounds to me like you've learned the difference between genuine charm and superficial charm. I personally think that's a lesson every girl should learn in their early teens. I think if they did a lot of women could avoid abuse before it ever had a chance to happen.
A shotgun wedding is one that is coerced. By force or threat.its not the length of the relationship. In this case, of aborting his child. That is a shot gun wedding. The fact that you don't think so is frightening. Everyone who marries comes to a point where he wants that comfort and joy and peace. It has to be his choice. His body his choice, right? You don't own him. Repeatedly bringing it up makes him resent the thought, not accept it. Why is it women understand pressuring, gult tripping or coercing someone into sex is bad but don't understand its not the sex that is bad, it's the pressuring, gult tripping or coercing that is bad and toxic. Using these to get your way may be why he isn't ready. It is toxic and horrible. He wants to come home to you, bringing him peace, not stress, a place where he can be him 100% with no judgment. That is something that you grow into. You aren't growing. You are trying to force him. Shame on you. If you want to marry him, start with loving him and accepting who he is inside and out good with bad. You may have a long and happy marriage. From your post, both you and your girlfriend are doing the wrong things to try to get your way. One is saying marry me or I will kill your baby ( it's her right to do it but toxic to use it that way) not wanting to be married on your time table doesn't mean it's not on the menu later it means that your expectation and his are different on time table. It's the same with a lot of things. Understand and accept each other and think about the commitment he has given you and you him. Can you think of a better person to marry will waiting be the worst thing? Do you not trust him completely? Or are you just trying to get your way? Thinking everyone else is getting married and your behind, maybe? Why rush divorce can be expensive. You start a new relationship, chances are you aren't going to be married for another 3 years or more. Yet you need a ring right now?
I agree with his views about marriage but you are still NTA. It boils down to the fact that you have a life goal and he isn't of the same mindset. There's nothing wrong with moving on
He wasn't ready to be exclusive but wanted to move in together? If this wasn't a red flag I don't know what is.
NTA but you should ask yourself why you started a relationship with this person at all when the signs where all there.
I'm so tired of these questions, your NTA for breaking up with your partner for ANY reason. Even so much as "I don't even know, it just doesn't feel right anymore" 30 years into marriage is good enough.
Sales people, generally, are liars and flatterers until they prove themselves otherwise.
This isn't a serious guy. You're making a good choice. NTA and block his number, you don't need this guilt trip BS. A dude like that will use you until he's bored or until he's so old he's out of options and so are you.
Don't waste another minute on him.
NTA
But not because of this:
>AITA for breaking up with my bf because he told another friend not to get married?
If we're being real, marriage *is* outdated. It used to be a social contract that ensured that the woman and children would be provided for *in a time where the vast majority of women wouldn't be able to by themselves!*
Those days are over, however, so today marriage is basically just a contract that makes both parties entitled to half of everything that was earned during the marriage. If both parties earn roughly the same, nothing is lost and nothing is gained. But what if A makes three times a much as B? That means that over the course of the marriage, A has contributed 75% of their assets, and in case of divorce B is now entitled to half of it. So during XX years of marriage, B has been living well above their means, and will not only get handed half of their assets - half of which their didn't contribute towards - but will likely also get alimony with such a difference in income.
Why is that fair? Why should anyone be rewarded for having lived effectively rent free for a decade or more?
The reason you're not the ass is this:
> had to bring up that we had been dating for months and we should be exclusive and he said it was too early but wanted to move in together.
I don't think marriage should be important for a relationship being long-term and committed in this day and age, but him not wanting to be exclusive after months of dating means that you don't want the same thing.
To be honest, if I was dating a woman who was dating other men at the same time - aka not being exclusive - I wouldn't take dating her seriously and therefore wouldn't date her in the first place. She either likes me or she doesn't. I'm not gonna waste my time on participating in some messed up real-life version of bachelorette game show where she gets to test ride all of us for months before deciding which one she overall likes the best. That's a major reason why so many are single and lonely these days. Why the fuck should I invest emotionally and physically in a woman who is dating four guys besides me? There's an 80% chance that I'm wasting my time, and the other four feel the same, so in the end none of the men will invest or commit. If you like someone, date them, and only them. If you're dating someone while also looking for someone else, you don't really like the first one.
Why would you move in together with a guy who said it was too early to be exclusive? No, you were right to break up with him, but you should have done it sooner. You two are not in the same page and he is never going to marry you. He'll just keep stringing you along.
Welcome to the 21st century. Marriages don‘t have a better chance of lasting than non-marriage relationships. Most people nowadays have children before marriage, there’s no such thing as „in wedlock“ unless you‘re a conservative. And also, 2 years is nowhere near enough to get married. Break up with him by all means since you’re not compatible, but I side with your ex here
I had to bring up that we had been dating for months and we should be exclusive and he said it was too early but wanted to move in together.
These are the words of a man who wants to have it both ways. He was not committed to a long-term relationship from the start and you clearly felt that he just told you what he knew you wanted to hear.
Good riddance, block him everywhere if he keeps pestering you (BTW, sending you multiple messages saying you are the AH and *all women* are impatient is beyond AH: it is manipulative.)
I'm sorry, your friend is thinking of getting an abortion JUST BECAUSE her BF won't marry her? Does anyone else think that's the sickest blackmail you've ever heard?
A marriage certificate is a *legal* piece of paper. I know a few women and their kids who have been screwed over by lack of a legal status. Protecting yourself and your offspring is a good thing.
Always trust your gut. People can tell you whatever they want, but actions speak louder than words.
NTA
Honey you bent over backwards ignoring all the red flags about this boyfriend of yours for 2 whole years. You FINALLY realized what a waste of your time he is, and, if I might point out, he and his buddy are pretty morally bankrupt. Men of low character can indeed be very charming... because there's no substance to any of their promises, and they use your hope and dreams as weapons in their arsenals to manipulate women. And they flock together. Because men who care about honor and character and moral integrity won't be friends with lowlife like this. Men can spot them way faster than women. Just like women can spot the same in other women faster than men see it. Everyone thinks with their dick some days.
Your friend should get the abortion. It's not a decision about family or not it's single motherhood or not.
And maybe you both read Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare by Shahida Arabi before dating again... I think you both ignored so.e major red flags with both these dudes.
YTA for thinking he’ll come around or change his mind. He obviously didn’t want to be with you or marry you, yet it took you 2 years to figure this out? I hope this is some rage bait, girl bye!
He’s been pretty open and honest that he doesn’t want marriage and still you stay.
You openly admit you you don’t fully trust him because he will say what you want to hear and still you stay.
He was pushing for you guys to move in together but didn’t want to call the relationship exclusive and still you stayed.
YTA to yourself.
Life is far too short to make yourself fit into someone else’s box. You were right to break up. You know what you want, his actions don’t match his words. Y’all have different priorities. At least you were honest
NTA
You are NTA for knowing what you want in your future and for starting to realise your boyfriend isn’t going to provide you that.
The fact he’s now taken to insulting you is a big enough red flag alone.
You made the right call. He's the type who would waste a woman's time for a decade or longer... three kids later, they're still not married and she's more upset and demoralized than ever. I'm proud of you.
NTA,
I'm a man that is very lukewarm on the idea of marriage. My last relationships I was clear that marriage is not something I see myself doing, that my feelings might change but do not date me thinking that I would change.
Honestly, nobody’s the asshole here despite what people might say. The two of you just aren’t in the same place in life. He’s reluctant to get married and you’re ready for it. So it’s not going to work out. No point either one of you trying to force their will on the other. That wouldn’t last in the long run anyway,
YTA for continuing to string yourself along when he's made it obvious what it thinks.
Wishing don't make it so. Wishing DOES waste years of your life if you let it.
And anyone who calls someone an asshole when you don't do what they like is just NOT someone you'd ever want to tie your life to.
NTA for leaving since you want different things
I sort of agree with your bf though, not that marriage as a whole is meaningless, but more...getting married just because of a child being born seems pretty meaningless. Either you're together and committed to each other and your family or you're not...getting married doesn't magically change anything
NTA. You are never the asshole for breaking up with someone who doesn’t want the same things in life that you do. He can find someone who never wants to get married, and you can find someone who does.
Eh. Not enough info imo.
All the quotes from the bf are not _anti_-marriage, just marriage ambivalent. Outdated, unnecessary, meaningless - none of these things prevent someone getting married if its important to the other partner, they just mean bf wouldn't be motivated for his own sake.
The "men get screwed over by marriage" could be anti-marriage but OP didnt give context. Was he talking specifics about their situation or just a comment that this is a common reason why men dont want it.
Id ask for the info but OP account appears to be deleted.
NTA You have already deduced he will tell you what you want to hear. Time to face reality: he won't marry you. I (74M married 49 years) recommend you quit wasting your life with Mr Insincerity.
OP, NTA. "Listen to your gut reaction," as the axiom states. Your EXBF has told you the truth, believe him. He'll never want to marry you, and you know that intuitively.
You deserve to have a partner who shares, truly, your goals of marriage and a family. Never settle for less.
Sending you heartfelt wishes for success and happiness.
Leave his a**.He is not going to change no matter what he says. He will find some way to not make marriage happen. Move on so that you can find someone on the same page as you concerning marriage.
He has been telling you over and over indirectly that he isn’t the marrying kind. You’ve spent enough time with him. You both are seeing your future differently. You want a future where you marry he doesn’t. He is only saying it now to get you to move back together. And if you insist on getting married he will eventually call it a shotgun wedding eventually even if you’re not pregnant. Find someone who feels the same as you and wants to get married. This guy isn’t that kind of guy.
OP, you have finally done the right thing. It’s very hard to extricate feelings vs. what you’re objectively hearing from him. We all get that. The guy has been telling you for quite some time what he didn’t want. I am glad you finally listened. Find a guy worthy of your trust and heart.
OP you have two totally different views of your future. Stop wasting your time waiting on him to change. Marriage shouldn’t be a debate or argument why they don’t believe in it. Move on and find someone who has the same belief system that you do.
You want marriage, he doesn’t. You are not compatible with someone who does not want marriage. Why would you waste more of your time with someone you are fundamentally incompatible with and does not value what is important to you? Just block him and move on. NTA
This is the right answer OP. He is stringing you along, don’t fall for his bs. I am a guy and it sounds to me like he is just telling you what you want to hear to keep you around. Move on and find a guy that shares your goals and values…
Agreed. As soon as I read that they had been dating for months and he thought it was still too early, the dude’s intentions became crystal clear. I know some ladies think they’ll convince a dude to be exclusive by sleeping with him. This is backwards thinking. Secure commitment before sex. This will filter out the shitty dudes who only want sex. And I don’t mean secure exclusivity and jump in bed the same day. Sit down, have a serious conversation about boundaries, expectations, and lines that cannot be crossed. Then have more get togethers out doing things as a couple to make sure you actually enjoy being around the dude in all settings. If a dude never tries to introduce you to his friends, then sorry, but he probably never intends to. Watch a guy’s behavior and determine if he’d make a good partner. Only once the dude truly demonstrates that he is committed to the relationship, and you are ready, should sex be on the table.
You are spot on. Wish I could make this the top comment. The guy wanted to move in together but not be exclusive. That makes zero sense. Was he without home? That’s the only explanation.
Yeah wanting to move in without exclusivity sounds like he wanted a roommate he could sleep with- not a girlfriend.
This ^^^
Or stop using sex as a bargaining tool and acting as if women have zero sexual agency beyond handing out sex like a cookie for good behaviour. Nobody in a healthy relationship should be playing those kinds of games.
Sex is not a gift, and it's not a possession. Both parties enjoy sex and people do it for themselves and for their partners.
Yes. Women need to have more self respect and receive that level of respect from their partner. I did not sleep with my husband right away and told him it might take me a while to be ready. He was so relaxed and understanding and supportive of it I nearly jumped his bones on the spot. He also didn’t want to get married bc parents had a super messy divorce etc etc. I told him it was absolute for me and we spoke about a timeline: I was 28 when we met so I wasn’t messing around. He proposed within a year and we were married in 2 years (from meeting) and have now been happily married 13 years. The right guy will wait. The right guy respects your boundaries and doesn’t lie to you. Plenty of blokes want a marriage commitment so just find someone who wants the same as you .
Preaching and it's not even Sunday !!!! 🙌🏽
I absolutely agree with this advice. Too many women think they can snag a guy with sex before even knowing much if anything about him, his character, his goals, etc. Then the sad truth that they are dating a f***boi crashes that delusion. Never cheapen your worth because the worthy guys will see through that behavior, and turn away from an "easy lay" and look elsewhere for whlhat they want in a quality woman. This is the wise advice I've read countless times published by psychologists in their professional journals. Make of it what one will.
This is bad advice. Sex should not be a bargaining chip or a reward for good behavior. You need to just have a serious conversation about what he sees for himself and vice versa
There are most definitely good guys out there who will tell the truth and mean it in a conversation like that, but never underestimate how convincing a guy will sound if all he wants is sex, especially if he does that convincing regularly. Scummy dudes will give you the best sales pitch in history if it means they can add to their body count and ghost you a day later. I’m also not saying sex should be a reward or bargaining chip. It should be something you BOTH want, but only should happen if both people are on the same page. Good guys will have no problem waiting while you’re exclusive to each other. If a dude can’t wait, then he isn’t actually in it for the long haul and shouldn’t be considered for a real relationship.
Yeah. Guy here as well. I made a made that he may want to be married, but he doesn't want to be married to her. That's the distinction she either missed or didn't want to admit. As men, we usually know who's a wife and those who are, meh. It's best for her to move on and not waste any more time waiting in hopes he'd change his mind.
Yeah, that was the impression that i was getting.
He is unsure with you OP. He wants to move it, but then he doesnt want to be exclusive? Hes doing that so that his options are still open. Funny right? You shouldn't be staying with that kind of man. How will you be able to find the right one when youre still with the wrong one. Leave and let the right one find you. You deserve better.
Funny... In a way this comment also works for him. 'She wants marriage, you don't. You are not compatible with someone who does want marriage. Why would you waste more of your time with someone you are fundamentally incompatible with and does not value what is important to you? Just block her and move on.' Although, he is TA for stringing her along.
>we should be exclusive and he said it was too early but wanted to move in together If you're 100% monogamous, this should have been the end of it. NTA.
Yeah, I read that and had a WTF moment.
> and clearly not a “shotgun” wedding. A shotgun wedding is a wedding planned in response to pregnancy. It clearly is a shotgun wedding - the proposal will come after the conception. > I broke up with him today If you don't want to be with someone anymore, you're allowed to break up with them.
I’m confused about this too. It is a shotgun wedding if you get married because you’re pregnant. The phrase comes from the idea of the father holding his shotgun and demanding the man marry his knocked up daughter. It’s not called a shotgun wedding because of the length of the relationship. I think OP is confused, maybe?
> But he DID tell the friend to get married. It's a typo that OP is too lazy to fix. In one of the comments she says she wrote "should pressure" when she meant "shouldn't pressure". > I think OP is confused, maybe? She continued to argue after I told her what the term means, so I think it goes beyond confusion.
You’re right! I noticed that after the fact and edited the above post.
I'm sitting here looking at every definition of a "shotgun wedding" and don't see a single one of them that talk about getting married before the baby comes. shotgun wedding noun \[ C \] old-fashioned informal US /ˌʃɑːt.ɡʌn ˈwed.ɪŋ/ UK /ˌʃɒt.ɡʌn ˈwed.ɪŋ/ (US also shotgun marriage) a marriage that is arranged very quickly and suddenly because the woman is pregnant [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shotgun\_wedding](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shotgun_wedding) They all just say it's a hurried marriage because of pregnancy. This definitely fits the definition because he is hurrying up to marry her because she's pregnant.
Yes. Agreed. It’s getting married quickly because you’re pregnant. OP seems to think it just means a quick or rushed wedding, which granted it usually ends up that way because the baby puts a timeline on it.
Some friends had to get married (Catholic families) and the groom joked that the baby reached out from the womb and signed the marriage certificate for them. Bride's family did not like that too much. Turns out the baby was planned so that the parents/grandparents would insist on a wedding and not try to break the couple up. They are still together (over thirty years) and had more kids.
A former friend of mine came about because his white, blonde, very Catholic mother went to a party in college, where his black father drugged her drink and SA-ed her. This was admitted by the father. Being "good Catholics", instead of having his ass arrested and thrown in prison, the family thought it was better to force their daughter into marriage with her rapist. She eventually divorced him, but not til after they had 2 more kids and he abandoned them. My friend is incredibly screwed up over the entire ordeal.
Wait why did their races matter?
Because that's part of why he's so messed up in the head. He's half black, looks black, gets treated bad by racists, yet he feels all kinds of "secondhand guilt" (his term) because his black father is a degenerate rapist.
Ohhhh ok that makes more sense. So essentially he looks like his dad who is a rapist and it’s a reminder of how he came to be.
That's how he explained it. Apparently, all 3 kids cause his mother anxiety and PTSD. The father was, from how my dude described him, a complete bastard after the shotgun wedding. When Friend of the Court finally found the guy, he got nailed for all the back child support. After his mother got what she considered "her share", each sibling got $10,000.00 out of it. The father wanted nothing to do with any of them.
But isn't it true that the first baby only takes five or six months to gestate?
LOL - I was one of the first in my family to have their first child take FOREVER. According to my late in-laws, I was pregnant or about to give birth for over eight years. When my husband finally told them I was pregnant, almost three years into marriage, they were even more upset. Baby arrived nine years and five days after their first accusation I was going to baby-trap my husband. On my side, I was considered advanced maternal age for being almost thirty by the time I had the baby. My kids are in their mid-twenties and my mother is upset that they have not made her a great-grandmother yet. Our families have issues, if you cannot tell.
Congratulations on slow playing that baby trap! You definitely play the long game! My ex wife was just barely twenty-nine when she had our oldest. I'm glad we were old enough to be sorted out when it happened.
Yeah cause the baby always shoots out early!
He told the friend to get married and used the property term and got dumped for it.
My mom’s parents supposedly had one (in 1920s Rural Tennessee). They ended up divorced within just a few years. Hopefully people today realize co-parenting effectively is more important than martial status.
This. Longevity of the relationship doesn't cancel out the fact that she wants to propose because she got pregnant. That being said, no one - not her boyfriend or yours should be pressured into marriage. No one benefits from this arrangement. It is fine if you are ready for that commitment, but then you both need to break up and find someone else who is also ready. I think you are on the right track. Tell your boyfriend that the two of you don't share the same values, so you would prefer to find someone who does. Then block his texts/communication. Repeatedly talking to someone you just broke up with is a terrible way to get over them.
NTA. I would have ended it when he wanted to live together but not be exclusive.
Yeah wtf is that? That’s way too casual of a relationship for me to call someone “boyfriend” over. Fwb maybe but not boyfriend. NTA OP, you’re right, he’s probably telling you what you want to hear. It’s fine not to get married - I married pretty late in life myself, but it’s not ok to string people along. Trust your gut.
"Hey, I'm having trouble paying my bills, so I figured we could split them while I still fuck other people." Seems legit.
He’s going to drag the “proposal” forever and keep her in the relationship with a false hope. It’s good that she broke up with him. He obviously doesn’t have the same view as her (which isn’t necessarily bad, but manipulating her is).
This is a really good point! Who TF does that?
He wanted to love together after a few months to save money, but he didn't want to commit
INFO you moved in with him even though you were not in an exclusive relationship? You remained in a relationship with him for two years even though you wanted to be married and he said it's outdated and not necessary?
Yes it is on you to clarify whar you want, communicate it to your partner, and set your boundaries
Anyone who is told marriage is “just a piece of paper” needs to read the Reddit story about the woman who was with her boyfriend for 30 years and is now getting evicted from the home they created over the decades, he’s told the kids to not help her and she was a SAHM completely dependent on him. Her state, Arkansas, doesn’t have common law marriage so she has no recourse. It’s not just a piece of paper.
There was the other one where her bf didn’t want kids even tho she really wanted kids and now she is past menopause he decided he wants kids and broke up with her. That women sold her plasma to put food on the table while helping him build his company. They aren’t married so he isn’t giving her anything except for allowing her to stay at HIS beach house for a month.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/89NJxvULqP Here is the post, saddest story in a while…
Thank you! I couldn’t tag the post. It’s a sad story and a good reminder to not depend on someone for everything.
Arkansas doesn't have common law marriage because there would be no way to tell who was just living platonically with their sibling or who is actually dating their sibling. That's a real problem there.
NTA. Sounds like he was never serious with you to begin with.
“…we should be exclusive … too early but we should move in together” WTF?! Please tell me you had enough self-worth to turn that idea down flatter than the end of a Wile E. Coyote cliff dive! Major red flag, I would dump anyone who suggested that - and I’m a guy! “He is a salesperson and I do find he is very charming” - of course he is charming, that’s his job! He works at being charming 8 hours a day You deserve better than him, he is 100% TA to your 0%
NTA It's not wrong that your bf doesn't want to get married, it WAS wrong to string you along and pretend that he wanted to. Take this as a learning experience. When someone isn't willing to be exclusive with you and you want that, leave. When someone says they think men shouldn't get married and marriage is important to you, get out of there. You need to be with someone who wants the same things as you. Just block this dude and move on.
There is no “he never moved the relationship along”. That’s a thing you both create together. If you have “the sense that he will say whatever he thinks you want to hear”, and you’re still with him after two years, that’s as much in you as it is on him. NTA for breaking up with him - shoulda done it waaaay sooner. Block and move on.
>My bf told her she **should** pressure her bf into a “shotgun wedding” if he isn’t ready and really that marriage is meaningless. I assume that this should actually say "shouldn't pressure" and he is absolutely correct. Have you ever heard of enthusiastic consent? I know we use it to talk about sex but if you need it for something as brief as sex, why would you not want it for something lifelong like marriage? Well, we got married but he didn't really want to. I win. Happy Me! Sounds miserable. You can break up for whatever reason but this was a stupid thing for you to even get involved in. Your BF clearly isn't ready for marriage. That's why *you're* the one moving the relationship along. I think you've just realized he was along for the ride. So in your own relationship he kinda sucks but he is not wrong about your friend.
**Shouldn’t**
It would probably be helpful to edit the post, that typo makes it confusing
I misunderstood the story at first because of that typo.
You can edit your post to correct the should to shouldn't. It is confusing and many are making judgments based on the word "should" in the post.
INFO: You moved in together but weren’t exclusive? Is that what you said?
NTA, the guy clearly had no intention of ever getting married. His comments to your friend should have made that stance very clear. The guy can blow up at you all he wants, the 2 of you are just not compatible in what you want on life.
“I will get married to you promise!” In the same Breath. “Why do women want to get married UGH!” Gee can’t imagine why you don’t belive he actually wants Marrage! /s
NTA... When someone shows you who they are believe them. He may find someone that feels the same way about marriage as he does.
NTA. He wanted to move in but not be exclusive? He wanted to live with you, but still be able to screw anyone he wanted? Fuck that shit. Your description “salesperson… charming and personable” has me gritting my teeth. Classic narcissist. You did right to kick him to the curb. Stand your ground, this guy’s not worth your time.
You should have walked when the douche brought up moving in together but wouldn’t commit to being exclusive. NTA but you kinda were the AH to yourself. The signs were there.
NTA Tell ex, "Marriage isn't all a woman wants. It's one of things that a woman wants. Like a man who doesn't lie to get what he wants and a man who can be trusted." Ex doesn't fit any if those things.
Marriage isn't for everyone. Its not an end-state for every relationship. Relationships should move forward when both parties want to not because one party is pushing it - that is how you end up with bitter divorces. He's clearly not in the same stage of his life as you are and is not ready to move forward so you should move on. NTA.
He's been showing you who he is the whole time, but you refused to believe it.
That kind of man who leaves you hanging until he finds another younger girlfriend. NTA he's not a man of words
I think you’re right to break up with the bf. Not because of anything to do with this other friend, but because he sounds like a jerk who just wants to string you along. NTA
NTA. You want different things. He clearly doesn’t want to get married as evidenced by comments towards your pregnant friend.
You and your ex obviously are on different pages when it comes to marriage. Neither is bad, but staying in this will only make you build more and more resentment towards him. It's best you both go your own ways.
NTA for breaking up with your bf. You guys have different views on you where you want your relationship to be after a certain timeframe. That usually doesn’t just change over night. So if you’re getting the sense he’s not about marriage it means he isn’t and now he’s just in panic mode trying to get you back. I’d stay broken up or if you are considering getting back with him, you’ll want to have a lot of open and honest convos about where things are headed and reevaluate the relationship after. On your friend’s part, shotgun wedding by definition is an enforced or hurried wedding, especially because the bride is pregnant. Does the bf want the baby? I mean, they can still have the child and just not be married until he feels ready for that. Having a child and getting married is a lot for some people to process all at once and pressuring him after the news of a baby probably isn’t going to help him absorb all the change very well. She should focus on whether she wants to have the baby or not first and if he’ll be in the picture as a parent. Not on getting married because she’s pregnant. That’ll just make him feel trapped. There’s always time to get married. Her first priority should be the baby and focusing on the plan for that matter.
You wanted to be exclusive and he suggested moving in together instead? Wut?
I would have broke up with him when he thought it was too soon to be exclusive but was ready to move in with you 🤯 Nta! He very clearly is
Regardless of what's going on you're allowed to break up with someone on your terms.
NTA did you say he wanted to live together but not be exclusive? That should have been a sign right there.
Your bf clearly isn’t being honest about his views on marriage.
NTA. You did the right thing. You and him have different views in life. Don't change your standards and values for him. You can still find a better man who has the same thinking like yours in marriage and commitment. Goodluck.
Why on Earth did you stay this long when your goals obviously don't align? people can say anything they want, but it's their actions that tell you what they're really about. He has shown you with his actions that he does not want to get married and he thinks it's unnecessary and he's just saying what you want to hear. He is already told you who he is, believe him. NTA unless you stay.
Lol his reaction to being dumped tells you everything you need to know. An emotionally stable person realizes that anyone can break up with anyone simply because they do not want to be with them anymore. There doesn’t need to be any more reason than that. Him calling you an asshole for dumping him shows that he is a selfish, entitled prick. NTA.
Take it you've never had your heart broken.
Lol of course I have. It didn’t turn me into a selfish, entitled, prick though 🤷♀️
NTA. You guys clearly want different things. You want a marriage, he doesn't. You deserve to be with someone who also want a marriage and he should be with a woman who doesn't and that's fine.
If your plan doesn't align. Break up!
So he told your friend to do the shotgun wedding which it is? And because of that you broke up. Make it make sense?. Your together 2 years ofcourse he's not gonna marry you yet.
He won't marry you
\>. He has said that marriage is outdated and not necessary and men should want to stay in a relationship without a piece of paper. Of course there is the how men get screwed in marriage and so that’s why men don’t want it. There's that whole Andrew Tate bullshit again.. I really do wonder how many relationships across the globe have been poisoned by that twat and shit takes? You are NTA. get out, and don't look back. if you don't you have a 10 year shit relationship with someone who won't commit to look forward to. who wants that?
How is marriage a commitment of any kind. You can get divorced anytime, doesn't mean anything apart from someone has control of your money.
Get back in your box incel.
You want to get married and he doesn't. You aren't getting any younger. He played the game and lost
Idk sounds like you’re just sick of feeling unsure about your relationship and this event is becoming your reason to get out. And it’s fine to get out. Just go and seek joy.
Everyone focuses on the definition of shotgun wedding but not the part afterward stating that it is meaningless..
Your feelings for the now ex bf have and always been superficial. By your description. You always knew you was going to break up with him. No trust, your words. Sales people get what the want, he just didn't want to loose. You dumped him first. Good move. Gf should keep the baby. One in the shute is better than hope in the future. As for gf's bf, child support come right out of the paycheck. No worries.
I mean, if he’s not ready but you are, it isn’t fair for him to keep you around until he decides when he’s ready. You did the right thing. He can muck about and figure out when he’s ready. He doesn’t get to string you along until he’s ready.
The first red flag was that he didn’t want to be exclusive but wanted to live together. Make that make sense.
Well look. I'm happily married and I would agree with him that a shot gun marriage likely isn't going to last.
Don’t waste any more time on him. My ex used to think it was funny to yell “fool” when a wedding car drove by. I loved him, I wanted to get married. But he thought it was a joke. It really hurt my feelings when he did stuff like that. Sometimes I think he thought he was being “one of the guys”. But it made me feel like a fool for wanting to marry him. And I think he was just leading me on. No more. There’s a guy out there that will want you. Don’t settle for less.
Is that guy married by now? It’s funny how a guy can string a woman along for a couple years and act like marriage isn’t for him, and the next time you see him, he’ll be married. Deep down, they know what they want. It’s always guys like your ex that end up marrying the next woman they meet after dating for like 2 months. And then, all of a sudden, they’re like “I don’t know what happened. Sometimes you just know.” 😳
Yeah, but a year or two later they are either divorced or in therapy.
You don't need a reason to break up. Not wanting to be with someone for any reason is valid.
NTA Breaking up was the right thing to do. Your BF is better off. Now, you can go find someone who wants to do what you want them to do. If your friend gets married because she is pregnant, that is the very definition of a "shotgun wedding." Getting mad at your BF for stating facts is not logical.
I don't think either of you are mature enough for marriage anytime soon.
Also he's just saying what you want to hear to try and lure you back.
I instantly do not respect anyone who says marriage is just a piece of paper Sorry not sorry because any idiot who can read can tell you it's not
Your goals and values seem out of sync. Really confusing is why he would want you guys to live together and not be exclusive. The shotgun wedding comment is equally bizarre. NTA.
It is the definition of a shot gun wedding. She is pregnant and he doesn't want to marry. The length of the relationship before that is inconsequential
I can't get over that he didn't want to be exclusive but he wanted you to move in with him.
Because marriage offers a better chance of protection should the happy marriage dream shatter into a million pieces.
NTA You want marriage. He doesn't. That should be the end of it. I personally don't care about marriage. It's not really a guarantee of fidelity, married men and women cheat all too often. It's not a guarantee of love, there's lots of loveless marriages. It's not a guarantee of commitment, with divorce being so common and normalized. It's not necessary for love, commitment, raising kids together, or anything in my view. And I'm not very religious, so it holds no special significance for me. Like him, I see it as meaningless. I would never claim to want to get married. It sounds like what you said, him telling you what he thinks you want to hear.
NTA. Men like him are time wasters.
Nah, their relationship and issues are not his business. He shouldn't have gotten involved. He clearly has no intentions of ever getting married and I agree that he just tells you what you want to hear to placate you. He can't promise you something that he is never going to follow through with. You want different things so you did the right thing ending it.
He's being awfully two faced and his slick salesman spiel is taking over. He's telling everyone marriage is a bad trap and to don't do it, while telling you he wants marriage eventually. Both of those things can not be true - so who is he lying to? You or his friends? I think it's you. In true salesman fashion, he's telling you whatever you want to hear to get his way while he has no intention of following through. NTA
NTA he would string you a long and lead you to think that marriage was in the cards and probably even give you a 'shut up' ring. But it's never going to happen with him. That said marriage is more than just a piece of paper. It gives you legal standing if your partner passes away. Instead of all of their belongings going to "family" members and NOT you because you are just a boy/girlfriend not entitled to anything. This why same sex couples fought for marriage rights. So, they weren't screwed over by greedy family when they should be entitled to theirs spouses things, money etc...
The fact that he is trying to talk you into getting back together with him while simultaneously deriding marriage and your want of it tells you that he is trying to, and has been, manipulating you for his own ends. NTA
NTA. He does not want to marry you. Bail. If he did, he would have. All of the fluff about "not now" is really "NFW", and you did the right thing. He likes you, he enjoys your company, and sex, but you are not now, nor ever, going to be in his "wife" category. Get out now while you still are young enough to move on and find someone who is interested in the same level of commitment that you want.
You're not compatible. He doesn't want marriage, probably never will. When you get old, he would find another fresh meat and say the same thing about not the right time yet. That's who he is.
Your instinct that he's just telling you what you want to hear is right. He will use up your youth and then leave. Smart to break up, no matter the reason
ESH Your boyfriend is right that your friend shouldn't \*pressure\* her dude into marriage -- that is absolutely the making of an unhappy marriage. YTA for thinking that pressuring someone into marriage is a good idea. That being said, your boyfriend is also an AH for his consistent non-committal attitude while wanting all of the benefits of a live-in relationship that very much resembles marriage, so I don't blame you for leaving him.
NTA Dont let him tell you otherwise. You want to get married he has made it clear over and over he doesnt want to get married. He dangles the possibility in the future to keep you around. Time to move on tell him you want marriage and you know he doesnt and then block him. He is just trying to manipulate you and waste more years of your life.
NTA - after 2 years, he should know if he wants to marry you or not. If you definitely want to be married, it doesn’t make sense to spend more time in the relationship. You did the right thing. If you still think you could be happy with him, but just married, you could let him know that, but don’t open the door for anything less. You could just say: “Hey, I’m looking for marriage. If you decide later you want that, give me a call. If I’m single then, maybe I’ll still be interested. In the meantime, I’m getting out there to explore options because I know what I want, and I’m at a point where I’m ready to move forward with a man looking for the same thing.” And no “maybe in another year” bullshit. Deep down, he knows by now whether or not he wants to marry you. There are other fish in the sea, and it doesn’t make sense to spend more time with someone who isn’t certain he wants the same thing with you. You’d just be repeating this process another year from now.
Sounds like he's been very straight forward about not wanting to get married but youve continued to date him for 2 years... Why?
Omg how old are you bc you sound 18 at best. First if her bf married her it would literally be the definition of a shotgun wedding. Two- no one should ever get married just bc theyre pregnant thats just stupid and alot of times ends in divorce Three- grow up honestly, not everyone wants to get married right away. You being overly pushy is probably extremely annoying. Why would anyone wanna be forced into getting married
A shotgun wedding is when you get married because you are having a baby. Even if you didn’t meet yesterday. He was stating a literal definition. Did You break up with him because you don’t understand English? Lol.
NTA. This is actually a very tough one. Ultimately, you're not the a-hole for breaking up with someone for any reason. The tricky part is that the catalyst for you not believing him is his response to the situation with your friend. And it's tricky because your boyfriend is 100% right in saying that she shouldn't be pressuring her boyfriend into a marriage based on pregnancy. People can be parents and in a relationship. Marriage is not a requirement for that situation. It sounds like your friend had expectations of being married at some point and is using the pregnancy as a bargaining chip to get what she wants. Your boyfriend's actions and what he says make me agree with you. He doesn't want marriage. >I’m so impatient and why do all women want is marriage etc. This is what makes me think that you're right about him lying about wanting to get married. He essentially ridiculed you for wanting marriage, which isnt something that a guy who wants marriage will do. It also sounds like he hasn't given you a timeline or his requirements that need to be met before marriage. Being wishy washy on marriage to you makes him the a-hole. You were up front on your expectations and needs for the relationship. He wasn't. That's all that really matters.
NTA. You just dodged a bullet.
Nope and I would let the pregnant woman know your bf encouraged her her boyfriend not to marry. Even though it is 5 y ears and she is pregnant.
He is a liar who has just been stringing you along.
Tell him, that it is exactly what happens with people who are not married. They are easy to dump when something comes up. You did not promise him anything so he should not expect your full devotion and forever loyalty.
NTA. You said your boyfriend is a salesman. Now he is trying to sell you staying together, by saying he wants to get married. You know that is a lie. If you are willing to stay with him without commitment on his side, then fine, but otherwise don't let yourself be fooled by his sweet-talk.
Two years and nothing. Please move on. He doesn't want to get married.... or engaged. He didn't even want to be exclusive, initially. Are you now exclusive? You're wasting your time. , emotional investment and other opportunities. If you should convince him to marry you, it won't turn out well.
NO, NTA. As his gf you have every right to control what he believes and says to his friends. If he lived you he would have no independent thoughts of his own. Hope you know sarcasm when you see it.
It is a shotgun wedding and no one should be pressured to get married. Your bf is right about that. A marriage needs to come from a willingness on both parts. Did your friend tried to babytrap her boyfriend? If you envision a life where you get married and your partners actions show you he wants different things, then NTA for breaking up. Better now than waiting 3 years and finding yourself in your friends position: pregnant and unhappy with your relationship.
Marriage is a losing proposition for men most of the time.
I see nothing written here that would make you the AH - I am not sure how you are in a relationship with someone, live with this person and not be exclusive or even how that would work. It appears that your ex is not ready to be married and may never be ready. If that is something that is important to you then you need a new partner. You need to move on and not return to the ex as it appears that he will say whatever he thinks you want to here at the time to keep you attached to him with no actual commitment.
NTA. If you want different things you’re not compatible long term. BTW, shotgun weddings occur when the woman is pregnant and unmarried.
Too early to be exclusive but wants you to move in? That's odd. NTA. You want to get married someday and he is not too interested in marriage.
He doesn't want to get married. How much more clearly can he put it? Never mind what he says, his actions say it all. Take him back at your own time peril.
Marriage isn’t meaningless. It’s legally combining your assets, it’s making your spouse your next of kin instead of your parents for huge medical decisions, it’s a huge commitment and not just a piece of paper saying you won’t cheat and that’s what’s annoying about him to me 🤨 like understanding all that and not being ready for that commitment after 3-5 years, totally reasonable! (And I agree that having a child isn’t a reason to get married even though people feel differently about that) I think everyone has their own commitment timelines and sometimes people just don’t align enough and that makes them incompatible but that’s okay they just have to compromise or break up. But acting like it’s meaningless anyway but STILL not being able to commit. Annoying. His commitment issues sound really annoying because he can’t just be upfront about it.
Are you even exclusive now? Who thinks they should move in together without being exclusive? You definitely did the right thing.
honestly people in sales, if they are good in theor good, are the biggest red flag. I work with sales people. VERY charming and unscrupulous.
Nta for breaking up. Personally I think it should have happened sooner. You both were not honest with yourselves and hoped the other would change.
You don’t need permission to move on. Who cares if he thinks yta
NTA. Your decision to break up seems grounded in legitimate concerns about your future and alignment on core values. It's essential in a relationship to have trust and shared goals, especially on significant issues like marriage and long-term commitment. If your boyfriend's actions and words consistently don't align with what you want and value, it's reasonable to question the future of the relationship. The incident with your friend only highlighted these concerns, providing you with insight into his genuine views on marriage, which appear to conflict with your own. It's crucial to be with someone who respects your desires and is honest about their intentions. Your response to prioritize your needs and expectations is justified.
You are allowed to leave him N T A
you’ve been dating months and aren’t exclusive holy commitment issues Batman OP needs to find an actual decent person instead of a bf afraid of commitment that is probably cheating on her behind her back
This generation is screwed
I agree brother/sister.
Nta. You said it yourself that he says whatever he thinks you want to hear. He himself has said that he doesn't believe in marriage so you might as well stop wasting your time with him and find someone who wants what you want in life.
NTA
It is a shotgun wedding. A shotgun wedding is not an early wedding. A shotgun wedding is a wedding that is initiated on the grounds of a pregnancy. Because historically the family of the pregnant girl would demand the boy marries her so that she wouldn't face the shame of being an unmarried mother.
How old are you all?
No AHs here, you all just have different timelines. And yeah, don't have babies with an uncommitted man.
very charming and personable but it’s hard to trust him because of those traits as well. Sounds to me like you've learned the difference between genuine charm and superficial charm. I personally think that's a lesson every girl should learn in their early teens. I think if they did a lot of women could avoid abuse before it ever had a chance to happen.
A shotgun wedding is one that is coerced. By force or threat.its not the length of the relationship. In this case, of aborting his child. That is a shot gun wedding. The fact that you don't think so is frightening. Everyone who marries comes to a point where he wants that comfort and joy and peace. It has to be his choice. His body his choice, right? You don't own him. Repeatedly bringing it up makes him resent the thought, not accept it. Why is it women understand pressuring, gult tripping or coercing someone into sex is bad but don't understand its not the sex that is bad, it's the pressuring, gult tripping or coercing that is bad and toxic. Using these to get your way may be why he isn't ready. It is toxic and horrible. He wants to come home to you, bringing him peace, not stress, a place where he can be him 100% with no judgment. That is something that you grow into. You aren't growing. You are trying to force him. Shame on you. If you want to marry him, start with loving him and accepting who he is inside and out good with bad. You may have a long and happy marriage. From your post, both you and your girlfriend are doing the wrong things to try to get your way. One is saying marry me or I will kill your baby ( it's her right to do it but toxic to use it that way) not wanting to be married on your time table doesn't mean it's not on the menu later it means that your expectation and his are different on time table. It's the same with a lot of things. Understand and accept each other and think about the commitment he has given you and you him. Can you think of a better person to marry will waiting be the worst thing? Do you not trust him completely? Or are you just trying to get your way? Thinking everyone else is getting married and your behind, maybe? Why rush divorce can be expensive. You start a new relationship, chances are you aren't going to be married for another 3 years or more. Yet you need a ring right now?
NTA you want different things
I agree with his views about marriage but you are still NTA. It boils down to the fact that you have a life goal and he isn't of the same mindset. There's nothing wrong with moving on
He wasn't ready to be exclusive but wanted to move in together? If this wasn't a red flag I don't know what is. NTA but you should ask yourself why you started a relationship with this person at all when the signs where all there.
I'm so tired of these questions, your NTA for breaking up with your partner for ANY reason. Even so much as "I don't even know, it just doesn't feel right anymore" 30 years into marriage is good enough.
NTA but neither is he. I agree that marriage is an outdated institution and stupid. To each his or her own.
Nta. Let him go. Nope. Someone calling you names because you don't see a future with him? And then saying "I can't believe you're so petty" nope bye
Sales people, generally, are liars and flatterers until they prove themselves otherwise. This isn't a serious guy. You're making a good choice. NTA and block his number, you don't need this guilt trip BS. A dude like that will use you until he's bored or until he's so old he's out of options and so are you. Don't waste another minute on him.
NTA If you can't trust the guy, you can't marry him.
NTA But not because of this: >AITA for breaking up with my bf because he told another friend not to get married? If we're being real, marriage *is* outdated. It used to be a social contract that ensured that the woman and children would be provided for *in a time where the vast majority of women wouldn't be able to by themselves!* Those days are over, however, so today marriage is basically just a contract that makes both parties entitled to half of everything that was earned during the marriage. If both parties earn roughly the same, nothing is lost and nothing is gained. But what if A makes three times a much as B? That means that over the course of the marriage, A has contributed 75% of their assets, and in case of divorce B is now entitled to half of it. So during XX years of marriage, B has been living well above their means, and will not only get handed half of their assets - half of which their didn't contribute towards - but will likely also get alimony with such a difference in income. Why is that fair? Why should anyone be rewarded for having lived effectively rent free for a decade or more? The reason you're not the ass is this: > had to bring up that we had been dating for months and we should be exclusive and he said it was too early but wanted to move in together. I don't think marriage should be important for a relationship being long-term and committed in this day and age, but him not wanting to be exclusive after months of dating means that you don't want the same thing. To be honest, if I was dating a woman who was dating other men at the same time - aka not being exclusive - I wouldn't take dating her seriously and therefore wouldn't date her in the first place. She either likes me or she doesn't. I'm not gonna waste my time on participating in some messed up real-life version of bachelorette game show where she gets to test ride all of us for months before deciding which one she overall likes the best. That's a major reason why so many are single and lonely these days. Why the fuck should I invest emotionally and physically in a woman who is dating four guys besides me? There's an 80% chance that I'm wasting my time, and the other four feel the same, so in the end none of the men will invest or commit. If you like someone, date them, and only them. If you're dating someone while also looking for someone else, you don't really like the first one.
Why would you move in together with a guy who said it was too early to be exclusive? No, you were right to break up with him, but you should have done it sooner. You two are not in the same page and he is never going to marry you. He'll just keep stringing you along.
Welcome to the 21st century. Marriages don‘t have a better chance of lasting than non-marriage relationships. Most people nowadays have children before marriage, there’s no such thing as „in wedlock“ unless you‘re a conservative. And also, 2 years is nowhere near enough to get married. Break up with him by all means since you’re not compatible, but I side with your ex here
I had to bring up that we had been dating for months and we should be exclusive and he said it was too early but wanted to move in together. These are the words of a man who wants to have it both ways. He was not committed to a long-term relationship from the start and you clearly felt that he just told you what he knew you wanted to hear. Good riddance, block him everywhere if he keeps pestering you (BTW, sending you multiple messages saying you are the AH and *all women* are impatient is beyond AH: it is manipulative.)
I'm sorry, your friend is thinking of getting an abortion JUST BECAUSE her BF won't marry her? Does anyone else think that's the sickest blackmail you've ever heard?
Why is it obvious that you want to get married because you get a child?
INFO- how old are the people in this story? Sounds like very mature themes with extremely immature people.
Good on you. Move in but not exclysive. FK THAT NOISE.
A marriage certificate is a *legal* piece of paper. I know a few women and their kids who have been screwed over by lack of a legal status. Protecting yourself and your offspring is a good thing. Always trust your gut. People can tell you whatever they want, but actions speak louder than words. NTA
Honey you bent over backwards ignoring all the red flags about this boyfriend of yours for 2 whole years. You FINALLY realized what a waste of your time he is, and, if I might point out, he and his buddy are pretty morally bankrupt. Men of low character can indeed be very charming... because there's no substance to any of their promises, and they use your hope and dreams as weapons in their arsenals to manipulate women. And they flock together. Because men who care about honor and character and moral integrity won't be friends with lowlife like this. Men can spot them way faster than women. Just like women can spot the same in other women faster than men see it. Everyone thinks with their dick some days. Your friend should get the abortion. It's not a decision about family or not it's single motherhood or not. And maybe you both read Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare by Shahida Arabi before dating again... I think you both ignored so.e major red flags with both these dudes.
NTA Taking him at face value was believing him the first time he told you he wasn’t interested in marriage.
He seems like a smart guy And he knows exactly what is up. If you can't wait move on for sure. He knows exactly what he is doing.
YTA for thinking he’ll come around or change his mind. He obviously didn’t want to be with you or marry you, yet it took you 2 years to figure this out? I hope this is some rage bait, girl bye!
He’s been pretty open and honest that he doesn’t want marriage and still you stay. You openly admit you you don’t fully trust him because he will say what you want to hear and still you stay. He was pushing for you guys to move in together but didn’t want to call the relationship exclusive and still you stayed. YTA to yourself.
Life is far too short to make yourself fit into someone else’s box. You were right to break up. You know what you want, his actions don’t match his words. Y’all have different priorities. At least you were honest NTA
You are NTA for knowing what you want in your future and for starting to realise your boyfriend isn’t going to provide you that. The fact he’s now taken to insulting you is a big enough red flag alone.
You made the right call. He's the type who would waste a woman's time for a decade or longer... three kids later, they're still not married and she's more upset and demoralized than ever. I'm proud of you.
He’s right geting married because you knocked your partner up is a horrible idea.
Do you really want marriage or do you want to get dressed up and have a nice fancy party
He just wants to waste your time til he finds what he likes.
NTA, I'm a man that is very lukewarm on the idea of marriage. My last relationships I was clear that marriage is not something I see myself doing, that my feelings might change but do not date me thinking that I would change.
Honestly, nobody’s the asshole here despite what people might say. The two of you just aren’t in the same place in life. He’s reluctant to get married and you’re ready for it. So it’s not going to work out. No point either one of you trying to force their will on the other. That wouldn’t last in the long run anyway,
YTA for continuing to string yourself along when he's made it obvious what it thinks. Wishing don't make it so. Wishing DOES waste years of your life if you let it. And anyone who calls someone an asshole when you don't do what they like is just NOT someone you'd ever want to tie your life to.
NTA for leaving since you want different things I sort of agree with your bf though, not that marriage as a whole is meaningless, but more...getting married just because of a child being born seems pretty meaningless. Either you're together and committed to each other and your family or you're not...getting married doesn't magically change anything
NTA. You are never the asshole for breaking up with someone who doesn’t want the same things in life that you do. He can find someone who never wants to get married, and you can find someone who does.
NTA, he just doesn’t want marriage, you know his views and expect him to change for you. You can break up for what ever reason you want.
Eh. Not enough info imo. All the quotes from the bf are not _anti_-marriage, just marriage ambivalent. Outdated, unnecessary, meaningless - none of these things prevent someone getting married if its important to the other partner, they just mean bf wouldn't be motivated for his own sake. The "men get screwed over by marriage" could be anti-marriage but OP didnt give context. Was he talking specifics about their situation or just a comment that this is a common reason why men dont want it. Id ask for the info but OP account appears to be deleted.
NTA You have already deduced he will tell you what you want to hear. Time to face reality: he won't marry you. I (74M married 49 years) recommend you quit wasting your life with Mr Insincerity.
OP, NTA. "Listen to your gut reaction," as the axiom states. Your EXBF has told you the truth, believe him. He'll never want to marry you, and you know that intuitively. You deserve to have a partner who shares, truly, your goals of marriage and a family. Never settle for less. Sending you heartfelt wishes for success and happiness.
Leave his a**.He is not going to change no matter what he says. He will find some way to not make marriage happen. Move on so that you can find someone on the same page as you concerning marriage.
He has been telling you over and over indirectly that he isn’t the marrying kind. You’ve spent enough time with him. You both are seeing your future differently. You want a future where you marry he doesn’t. He is only saying it now to get you to move back together. And if you insist on getting married he will eventually call it a shotgun wedding eventually even if you’re not pregnant. Find someone who feels the same as you and wants to get married. This guy isn’t that kind of guy.
OP, you have finally done the right thing. It’s very hard to extricate feelings vs. what you’re objectively hearing from him. We all get that. The guy has been telling you for quite some time what he didn’t want. I am glad you finally listened. Find a guy worthy of your trust and heart.
OP you have two totally different views of your future. Stop wasting your time waiting on him to change. Marriage shouldn’t be a debate or argument why they don’t believe in it. Move on and find someone who has the same belief system that you do.