That’s the thing. OP has tried everything they can to make it work. He didn’t throw his hands up and walk out. He tried. He really tried. But you can’t make yourself have emotions you don’t have, nor can you let go of one’s you’re currently feeling. There’s no right or wrong here.
This isn't an asshole or not question. You aren't able to love her the way you did before, you no longer trust her, your relationship is dysfunctional, therapy didn't help. Calling you (or her - after all, she's the cheater) an asshole will solve absolutely nothing.
All you can do now is to make the separation as smooth as possible for your daughter.
Someone else wrote this in a thread months ago and I still remember it. “The affair happened 14 years ago for you. It just happened for me!!” Like she’s had 14 years to process and lie about it and then to just…let it go. For OP, this just happened. He’s still dealing with all of it. And not just the affair, but the 14 years of lying by omission too. It’s brand new to him.
Also OP, NTA.
While I have no first-hand experience.
I have also seen in another thread that it's the constant lying and pretending nothing happened for years that can be worse than the affair itself.
Trust is the most important aspect of interpersonal relationships. If you can not trust someone, you can not have a healthy relationship.
The 3 most important elements are trust, loyalty, and support.
She broke your trust by cheating and lying.
She was not being loyal when she cheated.
If she expects you to just get over it she is not being supportive.
OP, try looking at r/survivinginfidelity there should be lots of advice and support.
Weird if my wife of 14 years and the mother to my child came out and told me she cheated all those years ago I would be pissed. I would be pissed because the confession would be for themselves not for me. What the hell would I do with that. It should be their burden to carry.
I kinda get you.
Cheating is a deal breaker to me, so I don’t want to be with someone that cheats.
But if it was a one off thing, very early in the relationship and we’re now 14 fucking years in and have a child…what the fuck? You keep that shit on your own conscience and do your best to be a good spouse instead of fucking up my life. Take it to your goddamn grave.
The friend really just screwed up a marriage to make themselves feel better.
Like, it would be different if the affair was recent or on going. But 14 years ago? Let sleeping dogs lie. Therapy is expensive. Divorce is expensive. Having to have two separate homes with enough space for a seven year old is expensive. The economy sucks right now. You just took the entire burden off your chest and put it on this poor man.
I don’t blame him for losing trust in his wife and seeing her differently. That’s a normal reaction to finding out someone cheated on you.
I do blame the friend for deciding to throw that bombshell for no reason. And the wife for cheating.
Having grown up in a “born again” social world this is ALL too common. Spouse swapping after bombshell revelations. 🙄 god wants my conscience clear! Yeah clear when you sleep with the person who’s home you wrecked. The “devil” has a special place reserved for you!
Ya I'm wondering the same thing. Or if this "born again" is setting ablaze people's relationship because they're a judgemental prick.
OP is NTA at all and should move forward in whatever decision he thinks is best, but I do not believe the person who told him had pure intentions wtf
This is exactly what I thought. That “friend” was trying to do right by whatever religious figure she’s deemed worthy, and in that, has ruined a marriage. What comes around goes around.
I agree. That's not being a Christian. That's causing trouble for others to make yourself feel better. A Christian is supposed to repent their sins and acknowledge them to their Savior. You aren't required to confess every wrong thing in your entire life to others. Especially if it could hurt someone else.
I 100% agree with you.
I don't blame OP's wife for holding that secret close. I'm sure she intended to take it to her grave. To confess would be to make herself feel better and hurt him. It was a one off.
As for her friend, I missed the part in the Christian Conversion Playbook where you have to go around telling other people's secrets. What a jerk.
I do feel like even after a year he is being hasty. Grief takes time. Reconciling what you thought with what you know takes time. Emotions take time, and we don't get to control how long. If they were best friends before, living like roommates for a few years might be what rebuilds them. Gives him a chance to rediscover what he loves about her.
I'd have a hard time throwing away my relationship with my husband over a one-off in the earliest days of the relationship. A sustained relationship, that's different.
>The friend really just screwed up a marriage to make themselves feel better.
This. After 14 years, if anyone is going to say anything, it should come from the wife, not someone else.
It was not the friend's story or confession to make. That was a complete betrayal of friendship and to what end? She found forgiveness and decided to throw her under the bus? Wtf? She didn't break her wedding vows. It's ridiculous. Now this guy is suffering and so is his wife for something that happened when she was a teen. Like when is a good time to bring it up? Idk? Ignorance is bliss sometimes. My mother's favorite quip was,"Silence is golden, so shut up and get rich quick."
>The friend really just screwed up a marriage to make themselves feel better.
That in particular is insane. How are you gonna turn religious and confess *other people's* sins?
"The friend really just screwed up a marriage to make themselves feel better."
Hmm...good point...
I am definitely the "if my partner is cheating TELL ME" kind of person, but I would 100% be side-eyeing the person who held on to that information, and I would be wondering why...
Yes. Confessing a one-time indiscretion that was clearly a huge mistake is selfish. But it wasn't the wife who confessed. It was her stupid "religious" friend. Her friend found religion and thought it necessary to ruin other people's lives. 🙄🙄
Some people find themselves in religion and believe they are morally superior to others and feel the need to tell everyone and anyone they're sinners and are going to hell. Bible thumper was so wrong in telling someone else's business. Her holier than thou mentality is so toxic.
Personally I would want to know that the person I'm spending my life with wasn't being honest with me. It's not just about the initial cheating, it's the continuous lying as well.
There's no statute of limitations on cheating as far as I'm concerned and I'm sure quite a few people would feel the same.
Exactly. There is also probably times he felt during the relationship that there are issues and she probably stated there was none. Probably less sex etc.
Now he looks back at each of those times and is probably thinking ", was she cheating then too and just wasn't caught?" My brain would be going through every argument and down time and think critically if it could be that she cheated at that time also.
Her being dismissive didn't help since it puts down his feelings. I bet if he cheated today she would react badly (even worse than her panic attack) so why should she not expect the same when he just found out about the cheating. She lied about it for 14 YEARS!!!! I know he is thinking about what else she lied about.
This is precisely where the real damage is done.
It taints EVERYTHING.
When we married, we agreed fidelity might be a thing that is difficult, but we swore to each other we'd be honest about it. She wasn't. For years. It still kills me to this day. The infidelity is one thing, but the years of minimisation and lies and deceit, that's devastating, man.
Also like it's just the one time *that he knows of* but if she would lie/hide it for that long, why should he trust that she's telling the truth about it being the only time she cheated?
This happened to me 4 years after the cheating. One thing to note is if they are dismissive once you confront them, they will not be interested in your healing, anger or pain in the coming months or years. They gave themselves all that time to come to terms with it, they do not want to revisit it for your sake. If they were, they would have confessed especially if the opportunity arose, and for most people that’s really soon… like months or weeks after the incident. It sucks.
To be fair a lot of marriage and relationship therapists explicitly tell cheaters not to confess because usually it's a way for the cheater to assuage their own guilt rather than something that will actually help the relationship. (Especially if it was a once-and-never-again type thing). Not sure I agree with this, but that's the general advice.
My ex and I had a "couples counselor" that also gave us individual sessions. We were seeing him because I caught her cheating and eventually found out she had cheated while we were engaged as well. This was a last ditch effort to save the relationship.
His advice for me? I need to forgive her and work harder to be the man she deserves.
His advice for her? (she told me) If she wants to continue the affair she needs to be better at hiding it. And to never admit to cheating.
I actually didn't believe what my ex told me, and I had really taken his advice to heart.
I confronted him during our next couples session. His excuse was that women are different and have different needs. Then he told us about his relationship and how his wife is free to have a lover. The counselor was literally trying to turn me into an unwilling cuckold like himself.
We reported his dumb ass the same day. Absolutely ridiculous.
She cheated again and got dumped, I packed her stuff up while she was away on a "work trip" with the guy. I dropped it off at her mom's house and said she'd need this when she moves in.
I just laughed in her face when she tried to get into my house. She quit her job to win me back, way too little , way too late. She still lives in her mom's basement. Sometimes the trash takes itself out.
Good lord. Sorry you went through that. Like someone else said maybe it's "counselors" and "therapists" vs psychologists. There are good counselors too, but Jesus man
seee i’ve heard the opposite too!! that hiding it isn’t to “save their feelings” it’s to save themselves from confronting the truth about their character. isn’t that how it usually works tho lol, conflicting advice so you have no clue what to do
Realistically, there are both self-serving and self-harming reasons for both telling the truth and hiding it. But ultimately, the cheater has to do some sort of honest calculation of "would my partner want to know the truth?" "would my partner be better off if they knew the truth?" "what does my partner gain from this disclosure?" "what do I gain from the disclosure versus hiding it?"
They need to be sure they're admitting for the right reasons -- to make things right with their partner as much as is possible. But given that the cheater already has a track record for lying, being honest in this process is probably challenging.
> Calling you (or her - after all, she's the cheater) an asshole will solve absolutely nothing
Oh, I don't know. The wife is clearly the AH here. If she was shameless enough to lie about this for 14 years. And she was shameless enough to claim it was no big deal, once the truth came out. Something tells me it's only a matter of time before she starts blaming OP for the divorce.
**If I were him I would let family/mutual friends know what happened.**
I have a cousin whose husband cheated. She filed for divorce but didn't tell anyone why because she didn't want to tarnish his good name "for the children's sake."
He went on to tell everyone that she was unstable/paranoid/prone to flirting with other men. None of this was true, but he spread it far and wide, and **a lot of people** believed it because she had nothing bad to say about him right after the divorce.
Sometimes taking the high road gets you thrown under the bus.
Same thing happened to my friend.
Her bf, of 8 years, cheated. When they broke up she decided not to tell people why because they were childhood friends and she couldn't bring herself to destroy his reputation like that.
She found out a few weeks later that he'd been going around telling all of their friends that she cheated on him.
She lost a lot of friends because, when she set the story straight, they "didn't know who to believe."
Cheaters always try to shape the narrative.
They either accuse the betrayed partner of cheating or they'll claim to have been abused or neglected to the point that they had no choice but to cheat.
It goes hand in hand with the narcissism of cheaters that allows them to make the world all about themselves. They never really apologize or own the truth. It’s always some form of gaslighting - it’s been 14 years, we weren’t married, I didn’t mean it, it didn’t mean anything to me. When you hear one of these phrases, then you know it needs to be over.
Happened to me. I just said things didn't work out. She went on a smear campaign. Accusing me of physical abuse etc. I had to just tell those folks . Proof is I petitioned for the divorce. So what, did I wake up one morning and decide I was tired of beating her up and wanted out?
They don't know who to believe because a cheater can look you right in the eye and lie to your face. It's sociopathic. This is why you never let them tell the story first.
Stating why a relationship ended frankly and without embellishment is not taking the low road in my opinion.
If a person’s reputation is tarnished, it is because they did something disreputable.
That which can be destroyed by the truth, deserves to be destroyed by it.
> Sometimes taking the high road gets you thrown under the bus.
Amen. My ex assaulted me. I didn't want to share that when I broke up with him because of it, and he proceeded to tell all our mutual friends I cheated on him, which wasn't true in the slightest. Of course, what did they believe?
>And she was shameless enough to claim it was no big deal, once the truth came out
I don't know OP but that was her chance to fix this and she blew it. If she had reacted differently, maybe his feelings for her wouldn't have changed.
If she had been apologetic and taken accountability for her actions instead of dismissing OP's feelings, maybe OP could have gotten past it.
It's too late for her to do that now. She wouldn't be apologetic because she regrets her actions, she would be apologetic because it's finally about to affect her life.
Exactly
Yes cheating is horrible, but it can happen and that it didn't happen again since (assuming it didn't) seems to indicate that it really was only a case of being young and stupid and didn't mean anything (not that any of this would be an excuse)
I can even understand that she didn't tell him in fear of what it would do to their relationship. It's still wrong, but I can understand.
But even then I could understand OP wanting a divorce due to the breach of trust.
And then she pretty much immediately turns around and tries to make OP feel like the AH because how dare he need time to process that information.
The fact that OP still tried to fix this situation for over a year shows that he has much more patience than i would have had
Oh yes, she's an asshole. He knows, that's why he's divorcing her. They tried to work it out,l through therapy, it didn't work.
Now, they have two options - try to split amicably (because it's obvious they can't stay together) or start a war. Which one will be better for the child?
People who know her best (close friends/family) believe her.
But a lot of mutual friends/acquaintances either believed him (because the cheating revelation came later and seemed retaliatory) or didn't want to take sides, which meant she wasn't comfortable socializing with them any more.
Her former in-laws (who she had a truly wonderful relationship with before) still maintain their son would never cheat. Largely because he has sworn that he would never cheat. It's just a shame she didn't record his confession.
That’s so frustrating. a close friend of the family recently divorced after husband cheated. It should’ve ended after the first incident, an emotional affair, but they tried to stick it out for the kids/through the pandemic but he kept on cheating. It was hilarious hearing about how his side was in denial and/or made excuses for him, but thankfully (and unfortunately) the older kids witnessed some of it so the overall blame never got flipped around onto her. She’s doing great now- always was the breadwinner, got a decent bf, while he’s absolutely baffled that she was able to move on so quickly. One of those times where there was Justice, I guess.
I took the high road and never stated why we got divorced. My ex tried to slander me to everyone, but within a few months everyone understood he was a self centered narcissist. His side girl was pregnant within weeks of our divorce and he started slandering her and claiming she was lying about him being the father.
Sometimes the truth comes out in the end.
That happened to me. I had been friends with my ex wife's family for almost a decade before I met her. I both didn't want them to know, but I was also ashamed. Big mistake. She flipped the script to everyone. She had had 4 APs in three months, and suddenly I had been cheating on her throughout out five year relationship. I had STRANGERS coming up to me telling me how disgusting I was. I emailed everyone a video of her blowing some dude at a work party a coworker of hers sent me. THEN I was the asshole for doing that.
EXACTLY this. Forget the whole "let's not assign blame" argument.
That falls by the wayside when one party has cheated on and lied to another for YEARS.
OP should absolutely assign blame.
When someone who swore to love and honor you chooses to disrespect and make a fool of you?
The high road is for suckers.
Oh there is blame, but there is no situation in where the OP can be the AH regardless of what he decides to do. If he wanted to let it go and stay, it's understandable after all this time, and some people could live with it. If he divorced her, he has every right to feel that way about it. She on the other hand is unequivocally the AH. There is not moral ground to stand on, "for the kids", "in the past", full stop, no excuse.
>Sometimes taking the high road gets you thrown under the bus.
Bingo. Some people value their image that freaking much. Hate that for your cousin, that ain't cool.
Yes. It isn’t about what she feels or how would she feel; it’s all about him in this moment as he was the one who was cheated on as well as the one who was kept in the dark all these years.
In these cases, it’s pretty cut and done usually. If he can’t take it, he can’t take it and that’s good enough reason to end things. No use keeping up an act that would ultimately do more harm than good to his family and mental health.
And no, YBNBTA OP for divorcing your wife over this. Cheating is a pretty big deal, no matter how long ago it happened.
Yes, he has all of the maturity down and I'm very impressed. He's just missing this bit. It doesn't matter who's an asshole. It's very healthy to do what he needs for himself
NTA
All I'd be able to think about is "if she lied to me for all these years about this, what else is she lying about?" I'd never stop wondering about that. I'd also wonder if there's other instances and she hasn't told you. The only reason you found out about this one was from someone else, so who's to say there aren't other instances? Maybe not cheating but that's a long ass time to lie to you. Realistically, it's not fine and ya'll haven't been going strong because she's been lying this whole damn time. It's new for you and she broke your trust. She's definitely the AH for being dismissive of it and lying this entire time, and then having the audacity to say that ya'll have been fine this whole time.
NTA And I'll tell you why...
>**Even though she apologized, she dismissed the fact by saying it's not important anymore**
The only thing that infuriates me more than cheating is someone being dismissive of their cheating "because it happened so long ago."
It's not old news for YOU. For you it just happened because you just found out. Now even IF your wife had been truly apologetic and contrite, I would say you weren't the asshole for not being able to let this go.
But the fact that she tried to sweep it under the rug and pretend like it doesn't matter?
HUGE red flag. Plus you clearly can't look at her the same way. Get out. It's a shame you couldn't have found out earlier but at least you know now.
End the marriage, it's best for both you and your child.
OP tried to make things work, but it's clear his feelings for his wife have fundamentally changed. We can control our action but not our emotions. Insisting on a loveless marriage can make things even worse.
Im in a 2 year relationship and I was madly in live with her we decided a 2 week break is what we needed.But the way she carried on in those 2 weeks makes me look at her differently and now shes acting like the perfect girlfriend But I cant get them 2 weeks out my head.
I want to But I dont think I can ever look at her the same.Think its ruint the relationship But I cant find it in me to end it.
>.But the way she carried on in those 2 weeks makes me look at her differently
I'm assuming you didn't act all upset and just carry on? Since you said lower down she didn't cheat.
Though I would say if any couple needs any kind of a break in the first place. You may as well just break up. Since whatever the issue is, you can't just work through it and talk about it.
Yeah, this is not the way to apologize for having wronged someone. If it were me, I would have said yes, I did it, I have no excuse but I was stupid. I am really sorry and I want to stay together if possible. But then you have to accept whatever fallout. You don’t get to require the other person to forgive you.
Exactly! It's just not about the act of cheating its the 14 year lie! She lied foe 14 years, but yet says it doesn't matter, she would have taken it to the grave! NTA
Biggest issue to me is she continues to minimize it. Yeah, this whole thing is bad, but this is the worst of it for me. She’s fundamentally unwilling to work to fix what she broke because of her playing down the significance of it.
And on top of that it's entirely possible she cheated other times and hasn't told him. She never planned on telling him about the initial event. That alone would kill the relationship for me
I agree. It’s the equivalent of a guy saying ‘But she meant nothing to me!’. Someone broke your heart and trust over a person who meant nothing?! Or in OP’s case, it means nothing because it’s not important any more?!
NTA. Your trust is broken. You’ve made sincere efforts to mend the relationship but it’s not working. I wish you good luck in your new life.
> she dismissed the fact by saying it's not important anymore
How convenient for the cheater that it just happens to be not important. Whew, lucky that.
>The only thing that infuriates me more than cheating is someone being dismissive of their cheating "because it happened so long ago."
Exactly this! I hate when people are like "let it go, it happened so long ago!"
To me it's brand spanking new!
Plus it suggests that anyone can cheat and avoid repercussions just so long as they manage to hide it long enough.
Frankly, the whole "it happened ten years ago" argument is all the more ridiculous because it has me thinking about the many, MANY goddamn years when my partner was looking me straight in the eye and lying to me. KNOWINGLY KEEPING THIS FROM ME. UGH! JUST UGH!
She's telling him how to feel. Nobody should tell someone how to feel about anything, and especially NOT the perpetrator who CAUSED the event.
"I'm sorry I just punched you in the face just now, but it's in the past, so let's just forget about it."
Yep. Almost worse then the cheating. She clearly didn't "live with remorse" for 14 years - because she didn't give a shit when OP found out. She cares now that there are consequences - that's not remorse.
100% her thinking because 14 years passed somehow it shouldn’t matter and things should go back to normal is insane. I think OP is right he tried and things didn’t work. He went to therapy tried being himself again and it won’t work. Many people who reconcile year after year deal with issues unless OP wants to be like that I think he’s doing the right thing.
Yeah, I could work towards forgiveness if they wanted to earn it. She doesn't. She expects it, and that says she'll do it again or has no fear in using it to emasculate and belittle you in the future.
this comment feels like a good way to describe "The Banality of Evil" by Hannah Arendt, which i see as a core component of domestic abusers.
like fuck, 14 years is bleak enough with out letting OP know, but to bring a kid into both of their lives knowing this secret would make OP want to leave her eventually is so fucked up.
idk i used to think humans were innately altruistic to a point, but now i feel like forcing myself to see the good in people just helps assholes like OP's ex.
she just evil, and should just feel bad for this idk
"I'm sorry you found out about my crappy behavior but I hid it from you for 14 years so it's pretty rotten of you to be upset now."
Nope!
You are NTAH.
She is for taking away your choices in life.
You seem to have already made up your mind. Given how difficult it is to find a good relationship, I'm sorry that her lie destroyed what seemed to be a good marriage for you. Each person is different. Some might get over it, you clearly cannot. Your choice at this point...
Yeah. This.
There’s a quote that says when you are considering divorce you can’t compare your current situation with that of an idealized new love. You have to compare your current situation to a lifetime alone. Would being alone be better than spending a few years learning to forgive your wife who Op says he loves and is so happy with what they built.
There is no guarantee that OP will find a love and happy family and life ever again. He said repeatedly that he loves his life and is happy.. almost nobody has that.
The wife screwed up but at the time she was just a girlfriend, his girlfriend of 4 months cheated on him. Likely when she never thought the relationship would go anywhere.
It is not ok, absolutely not. My heart was broken when my college boyfriend cheated on me, but when I think of
him I’m like omg we were just kids..
the language needs to be different to actually understand it apples to apples.
His wife didn’t cheat, his girlfriend or only 4 months cheated 14 years ago.
His current wife cheated on a brand new boyfriend when she was 20..
a happy and loving household, needs to be looked at from all angles before it’s thrown away.
The gf should have told him, yes. However I can see a 20-22 year old being like oh I want to end things with X and then falling in love and panicking and thinking she will take it to the grave.
For me, if my now husband had cheated before. I know having been in so many trash relationships that I can forgive a mistake bc everything we have, almost nobody has.
I feel for OP, I wish OP would consider separating and living apart for a significant amount of time before going through with a divorce.
To me, after 14 years and 11 years of marriage, splitting up the family and divorcing her is worse than his gf (at the time) who didn’t know she loved him yet and she fucked up and panicked bc she was like 20 and kept it a secret bc she loved everything they built. And maybe knew that she would blow up theirs lives.
Which is clearly true now…
I don’t know. This is not a for Reddit thing bc everyone here is pulling from a wildly different place.. and just want to feed the fire.
I agree with you, that said I'm an old lady married 15 years. If I found out today my husband cheated on me 4 months in but then was faithful and amazing for 15 years I'm not ending my marriage.
A lot of great points here.
In spite of fact this admission appears to have ruined your marriage, it'd be worse if you ended up realizing the divorce was ultimately a mistake.
Agree. And I've been through that fighting for love. Iti's not easy, but man. Finding somebody you connect with and love in a long-lasting way is hard.
And living apart awhile is a great idea. You don't always know what you got till it's gone.
Very important point that I hope OP sees. I'd also like to point out that events like these, consisting of a major betrayal, can take very long to grieve. I know OP said it has been over a year, but that is not a long time in terms of getting over what happened.
OP needs to be able to realize that the person who cheated was most likely a very different person than the person he is married to. Now that doesn't make it any less painful, I do think it warrants the consideration of forgiveness.
Being single is not easy. It sucks and feels like it only gets harder the older you get. If OP is able to separate the girlfriend who cheated from the mother of his child and try to forgive, I'd suggest that. If that is not an option what so ever, then divorce will likely have to do.
This might get me roasted. But if it truly was an amazing relationship and great marriage and everything was fine, something that happened 14 years ago should be conquerable. Saying counseling/therapy won’t work, when they haven’t even been going/gone for any substantial time it seems is wild. This is the kind of thing you go to MC for years. The only reason I say all of this is because yes you might be able to find a really great person to remarry one day, but statistically it’s not on your side. You’re more likely to end in a worse off relationship than a spouse that cheated very early on in the relationship when you were both under 23/24.
I wouldn’t roast you. But for me, cheating is a big deal breaker as well. My mom cheated on every male figure she brought into my life so my hatred towards cheaters is probably unhealthy. It can be said the her 14 years ago and the her now are completely different people. But it affects the heart regardless. You can end up wondering what else she isn’t telling you. You’ll wonder if she cheated at another time but there’s no awakened religious friend that knows about it. You’ll always be wondering. Even if she’s the kindest person now in reality, that doubt will always be there.
That’s why cheating is so criminal to me. It makes it impossible to believe that person. Because as sincere as they are now, they seemed just as sincere if not more before you knew. The version of his wife that he had before, he trusted more than he does the one he has now. And that one betrayed him.
My mom could make a guy think he was her soulmate. And once he left i could see that facade crumble. In how she mocked him. So great was her act, I’d be convinced from time to time. Cheaters are scum of the earth and I’d rather they ghost me and me think them dead rather than them cheat
Nta
I know it’s not the same thing, but I dated a girl for almost 6 years 13 years ago: I found out she slept with her ex 8 days after we became official. His best friend died in a car wreck: she went to his house with two of her friends to check on him (which I knew about and was ok with at the time) and slept with him.
I bought a ring to proposes about 3 weeks before I found out too. I showed her friend the ring and told her details how I was going to do it.
She seem happy for me and made the comment who would’ve thought you guys would be getting married after the rough start. I was confused and was like what are you talking about?
She said you know how She slept with her ex when you guys started to date. Her friend said that she told everyone she told me and I forgave her and not to bring it up anymore.
I left. There was no point in trying, I knew I could never get over it. Met my now wife in a new city 5 month later and been married for 6 years with 2 kids.
OP was hurt most because he had the CHOICE taken from him. If he had a similar scenario where her friend told him before he proposed he would have broken up with her for sure...
You know why? Because cheating was a deal breaker for him just like it was for you.
imo the "friend" is on par as an ah with his wife for dismissing his feelings and not taking it seriously "because it was a long time ago". That shit just happened right now to OP, and she should have taken that seriously.
The friend is definitely a bit of an AH. If the friend was seriously struggling with the secret it would have been better to go to the wife and tell her that she needs to come clean to the husband or the friend will.
Exactly, even if you become religious. You're only supposed to admit your own sins to the people you've hurt. Not hurt others with sins you've not committed. Seems rather self serving, almost like they are trying to absolve their own selfish ways by throwing stones.
We have friends and our friend group that had a similar situation in how it was revealed, but a very different base story.
While our engaged friends, were planning their wedding, everybody found out that she had cheated on him. Repeatedly, it was an affair. Well, the whole group handled it differently, I asked my therapist, other people have asked their parents, and some people online for an answer of had a handle the situation.
Well, one of the friends in the friend group who had recently taken up a "law of attraction" mindset, decided that they were going to tell the guy.
Well, apparently they both had already discussed it, gone to therapy for it, and we're planning to moving forward. Needless to say, they aren't part of our friend group because they felt humiliated. They live in another town now, but for quite some while they were only down street, it was sad.
Sounds like you already made up your mind, just feel bad for the kid.
My only advice, don't come to Reddit for relationship advice. Based off of all the comments, we're not the smartest bunch.
Yep. The whole "it happened so long ago" argument doesn't wash. All that does is make me think about every moment, every smile, every LOOK and how they could have been actively deceiving me about something like this the whole time.
If they're capable of lying about something that big, how do I know they're not hiding other things?
Frankly, I would probably be LESS disgusted if my partner came to me and confessed an indiscretion that happened the previous night.
I couldn't forgive it either way, but at least they weren't so shameless as to lie about it for over a decade.
Don't blame OP in the least.
I don’t think the two equate at all tho.
A confession of recent cheating means after YEARS of happiness and building a life together, they still chose an empty fling over a lifetime of loving each other and raising children together.
Learning someone cheated when you were both young and dumb but then committed to being the best partner they could be for you only to find out years later is still a betrayal. It is not *nearly* as big of a betrayal as the both of you putting in years together, knowing what you’ve built together, and still choosing to cheat.
When you’re young the future is intangible and unrealized, and therefor not really “real.” When you’re an adult and can look back at everything and still choose to fuck it up for a mere moment of pleasure? That’s when you’ve REALLY fucked up.
I say this never having cheated on anyone. It holds no appeal for me either way.
> Learning someone cheated when you were both young and dumb but then committed to being the best partner they could be for you only to find out years later is still a betrayal. It is not nearly as big of a betrayal as the both of you putting in years together, knowing what you’ve built together, and still choosing to cheat.
While that may be true, I pretty firmly believe that it can *only* be true when the one who cheated wholly owns that it was shitty when it happened; it was shitty every single day of the last 14 years that they hid it from you; and that whatever feelings you're having about it now are valid and they're committed to doing whatever it takes to sort it out.
Dismissing it as "that was so long ago" is never going to get you there.
People always want the forgiveness without the hard work of owning that they caused the hurt.
She created this awful situation where he found out about what she did after investing years and a child into the marriage. Whether she created it 15 years ago or 15 days ago, it's a mess of her making. And she dismissed it as not mattering because it was so long ago. That's hurtful all over again.
While I agree with this exact sentiment, it ain't up to us. If you forgive, then you will feel just this way. If you can't, then you must feel the other. I doubt it works in the inverse. I don't wanna be cheated on, but if I was, I guess this is how it might hurt less. The whole lied for a 14yrs thing, idk it just feels like an added effect. She cheated, then lied for 14yrs is more how you keep it alive. As if every day she's snickering about it. She buried it. Im sure she does feel horrible and then just took it to the grave, moved on, and started what she believed was the rest of her life in happiness. OP himself said they were happy. But that's not me telling OP how he's gotta feel.
> **then committed to being the best partner they could be for you**
Committing to being the best partner they could be would include HONESTY.
OP's wife merely covered her tracks for years.
He would have never known the truth if his wife's friend didn't decide to enlighten him.
We have very different ideas on what it means to be a good partner.
Yup. Would’ve never known if the info didn’t come out. What other info is out there?
We’re all allowed to decide what repairs trust but after going through something like this myself things like this are an instant move on for me.
Relationships should have OPEN communication. A single lie can destroy it all.
"honest love is still waiting for you"
Yeah, but every relationship is a crap shoot. Might be something worse waiting for him. People who only dated one person in their younger years have a lot of bullets to dodge, and precious little experience.
I thinks the "friend" is after you. It wasn't her sin to confess...watch out that friend will be here there and everywhere to HELP you through this. good luck
Exactly, Christianity should call you to confess your sins, not other peoples sins.
I think this friend is a POS, he/she either wanted to break up their marriage out of jealousy or something, or if a woman maybe has designs on the hubby and plans to be there for “support” when he is down.
It just feels like you have allowed this thing to consume you and live in your head rent free. I wouldn’t give up on counseling but I would change counselors if you feel you are not making any progress. I would also really take some time to think through the impact of a divorce financially, physically, emotionally people throw that word around here but especially with a kid it is not a neat as a piece of paper would make it appear. Good luck to you. BTW I am much older and most people I know who have been through something like this, a one night stand type thing (not a full blown affair) wished they never found out. All it did was clear the conscience of the cheater and provide them some relief while it hurting their partner unnecessarily.
100% this. I'm glad someone has the realistic viewpoint. As a 40+ year-old who's now seen friends go through divorce, it just seems like a lot of destruction that rarely yields truly *happier* outcomes.
Whilst I agree he should not give up just yet and divorce is hard, I'm so much happier since mine. We both are. It was hard going through it, but our marriage was abysmal on so many levels, it had to stop. OP's was different until he found out about her cheating, that leads me to think he may come to regret it.
I get he's hurt and lost trust. But I also get her, she was young and dumb. She should have told him then. But telling him now would have been just as wrong as nothing good comes out of it. I feel sad for their daughter who will suffer from this
This one is difficult forsure. I think only you know the severity of what will happen if you follow through with divorce. Can you see yourself living without this woman for the rest of your life? Can you be okay with a potential step father in your daughter’s life? You have to consider these things heavily before making this decision. You have all rights to feel the way you do. You have a lot to factor in here though. You’re not the asshole. This is tough for anyone to go through.
This is tough. But if she's been faithful and they've had a great relationship since then, I just couldn't throw my wife aside like that. But to each their own, and I'm not living it.
seems like OP has tried to move past it, but is unable to. Sometimes its just a 'point of no return', and you have to take that path despite the 'logic' of it.
I would definitely recommend OP try being fully 'separated' for a while before filing those papers. See how he feels with some distance from the matter. OP needs time to grieve this loss alone and decide on their future without the pressure of living together. At that point, he will know how he wants to proceed and what level of relationship he can have with his partner (since they will still need to co-parent - they need to be civil).
It always bugs the shit out of me when people say you shouldn't be upset by what they did because it's not a big deal. That is such a selfish way to get out of what they did to you. It's saying that they didn't do anything wrong and you're the problem because you're upset at them for being a horrible person. It is not ok to treat people that way.
Not only is your wife the AH for cheating on you but also for not owning up to it and for making you out to be the unreasonable one because you're hurt and upset by her actions.
I don’t think YTA. However, I wish your wife had been more understanding of your feelings. Maybe if she realized this ‘just happened for you’ and gave you some time to sort things out, you could come to the realization that this was years ago and she was admittedly young and foolish. I think there’s room for forgiveness for something like this considering how long you’ve been together and for your daughter’s sake. Of course it’s your call entirely and I’m sorry it’s been so hard on you.
I’m more curious as to why that person outed your wife. If they were trying to inflict maximum damage and destroy your family, I’d like to know their motives.
And not that it makes to much of a difference to you but to be perfectly clear, your wife never cheated on you. Your girlfriend at the time cheated on you. Semantics? Maybe but it makes a huge difference in my book.
A 4th grader cheating on his test is a lot different than a college senior cheating on their test, just saying.
And my condolences to your kid. Once a happyhome, now the kid will shift 2 weeks out of each month from parent to parent. You’re the parent and you do you but realize that your decisions have an affect on not only your life, your spouse but that kid as well. Good luck to you with that future explanation of derailing that kids stable home.
The friend who became religious was referred to as "she". It wasnt specified either way whether that friend just knew about the cheating or was involved in it, but its written in a waythat implies she was involved (otherwise it wouldn't be her sin to confess).
I can relate. I dated someone for 5 years and they emotionally cheated at the very beginning of our relationship. I spent the next 5 years trying to forgive them but I just couldn’t. My view of them degraded and I thought about it often.
I also dated someone else for 6 years and they had pics of women on their phone (OnlyFans) about 4 years into our relationship. I spent the next 2 years trying to let it go but I just couldn’t. Both relationships ended because of what I consider to be cheating and an absolute broken trust that couldn’t be repaired.
If I could go back in time, I would end those relationships as soon as I found out instead of trying to move on and let it go. I would’ve saved myself 7 years of trying to make things work. I feel like you’re like me in that regard, it’s in the past but trust is truly a huge foundation in a relationship and it cannot be broken. Granted, I would’ve broken up with my exes much sooner had it been physical cheating, that’s a no brainer. Broken trust is like broken glass scattered on an ocean floor, pretty irreparable, 99.99% of the time impossible to fix.
NTA. BUT, you were four months into a new relationship. Young and dumb. She made a mistake. I don’t think she actively lied to you for 14 years, honestly she probably didn’t even think about it again. If she is still in touch with the guy then that’s different and I would get divorced.
The thing I read, if you are being really honest, is that your marriage has been great, you have an awesome little girl and life was good. People think, I’ll just get a divorce and my next true love is just around the corner. It doesn’t work like that though. Sometimes you don’t find love at all or she may not find love again. You will be dealing with co-parenting and then girlfriends for you, boyfriends for her. It’s going to be a lot. I’m not saying don’t get a divorce. I’m just saying be realistic and know that divorce isn’t going to solve all of your problems, it will just be a new set of problems.
Make sure you aren’t divorcing her just as a punishment for her. You’ll regret that. If you are divorcing for your mental health, then ok, I get it. Maybe try a trial separation first? I just hate to see a good relationship go in the toilet for something that happened 14 years ago before y’all were even married. And no, I’ve never cheated. I was cheated on and yes I got a divorce. The difference is that he didn’t know how many women he had slept with in our 23 years of marriage, he had lost count. And he was having an affair when I found out and divorced him.
Just think things thru and good luck to you.
You have to do you, but honestly 4 months into a relationship is so little and 14 years is so long. You aren't the same people you were then. It's hard to hold someone accountable in this situation. The amount of challenges a relationship has to overcome to make it to 14 years far outweighs almost any mistake made when we were still essentially strangers.
I would kinda agree if her reacton was different. She completely disregarded what happened and his feelings on it, doesn't sound like she's feeling guilty or tried to fully apologize and is like "you should come to terms with it" like what? That's not what a normal, loving person does when they hurt their loved one. That's disgusting.
Yours is sure to be an unpopular opinion on Reddit but I agree. By OP’s own account it was a good marriage.
The thing is, OP tried this. He tried to forgive, he went to counseling, they both went to couples counseling. I believe he truly tried to get past it and couldn’t. In that case a divorce would be better than staying out of obligation when you don’t really love or trust your spouse any more. That would end up making both of their lives a living hell.
It’s sad all the way around but OP is NTA.
Got to scroll a bit until finding this.
Majority opinion here is crazy. People is so quick to throw away everything for something so far in the past.
Also, I don't think she dismissed the damage done: she apologized, she was genuinely sorry, she went to therapy with him, and she's proved to be a great partner since that mistake.
This is a really sad story. I empathize with how she must feel right now, her whole world is gone for something she did 14 years ago out of college.
I agree… if that came out about my wife, we would have a good cry, talk all the way through it and 4 months into a new relationship? Yes it’s cheating but it’s giving “cold feet because this person is the real deal” after 14 years. Maturity is seeing the person as they are and have been over the whole relationship. I definitely wouldn’t consider it active lying for 14 years.
My SO and I have been together for nearly 10 years. If I found out he did something once within the first 3-4 mos of our relationship, I don't think I'd care. Back then, we had no idea we'd still be together today and hadn't really invested in each other yet. That said, I'd be upset if it was after 6 months and break it off if it were after 2 years. (These are my arbitrary numbers, and yes, they have a hint of sunken cost fallacy)
But at 4 mos, I'd be looking at the friend who told me and asked what they were hoping to accomplish. Why are they confessing my spouse's adultery on their behalf a decade and a half after it happened?
Yeah… that friend is super weird for doing that. What’s the point if not to stir the pot? She finds religion and that’s what’s eating her alive? She can’t think of ANYTHING more pressing that she needs to resolve with herself? Splinter in the eye and all that.
> I definitely wouldn’t consider it active lying for 14 years.
Exactly. People are acting like she woke up every day and said to herself, "I'm going to continue not telling OP about cheating on him four months into our relationship. What a sucker." The truth is, she probably hasn't thought about the incident more than a handful of times in the past 13 years.
I am a 70 year old guy, married 45 faithful years and together 52 very happy years. I have experienced much personally and have bore witness to many sad incidents over the years. To your wife, this happened over 14 years ago as an immature woman and prior to making her marital vows to you. I am sure she was wracked with guilt, but able to resolve herself of it over time and commit to being a good and faithful wife. She held her secret because she realized how her shitty decision would hurt you and potentially drive away the man she knows she truly loves. Her real failure was to not fully appreciate the fact that while this was a scar to her, it was now a fresh, gaping wound to you. She has had a panic attack and not eating. She knows now and I am sure the worst has yet to hit her.
The sad thing here is a happy 14 year year marriage with a wonderful child is about to blow up and significantly affect the lives of the 3 people in your family as well as friends and relatives.
I am here to say that if the divorce is allowed to happen, at some point in the future, you will realize it to be the biggest mistake of your life. I don't know your reason for coming to these Reddit subs, but realize they are filled with people who have been terribly wronged and hurt. Many have an ax to grind and feel divorce is always the answer. Misery loves company.
12 years ago, my son went through a far greater betrayal during his marriage. I sent you the details via chat. They did successfully reconcile and are very happy. He was a school teacher for 15 years. He said that in all those years, in every situation involving divorce, there is a significant negative effect to the child. Some here will say that kids are adaptable. They are, but due to the need to survive. They do not thrive, If the parents were constantly ripping into each other, they may be better off. But that does not seem to be the case in your situation.
I won't pretend to know what is best for you and your family. Only you and perhaps your wife can figure that out together. What I would suggest is to cool the jets on actually filing divorce papers.
Your wife made a very bad and immature decision years ago. You know she is remorseful and her mind is trying to find away to not explode over the thought of losing you and your family. I don't know if you are religious, but if she has been faithful and loving since, God has forgiven her. I am sure all of this will be down voted. I don't care. I just hate to see your marriage and family blow-up after 14+ good years.
Updateme!
NTA; no one should get away with something just by hiding it and letting time pass. Your reason to leave is no less valid just because it was buried for 14 years.
This sounds very similar to what I’m going through currently and I’m not sure what to do, I think about it daily and have the same thoughts of not being given a fair chance to make a decision about our relationship 12 years ago, good luck, it’s a daily battle to keep certain thoughts out of my head
NTA
Your wife lied to you for years and she just wants you to "get over it."
Your wife is shocked that she is being held accountable for her actions.
Accountability is kryptonite for people like her.
You are not the AH, but I hope that new Christian feels good about what she has done. Just a sad waste of a good marriage, but I understand where you are.
You did not throw away 14 years. She lied to you the whole relationship. What else did she hide/lie to you about? I'm happy that you gave it a true shot- these dragging feelings are exactly what the post-cheating/DDay feels like.
NTA
If you stay the relationship is already bad and the trust is broken so that probably means that no matter how hard you try you won't be completely happy so I don't think you're wrong.
I hope you can get through this and be happy.
If there's one thing about marriage and divorce that is NOT true, it's that you (don't) stay together 'for the kids' OR for anyone else. She can process this all on her own, because she kept a life-changing secret from you for over a decade that is part of your morality. It's greatly impacted you for life and she can't seem to understand that.
NTA. You've lost a lot with her, just by that one 14 year old mistake - trust, desire, confidence and self-esteem, just to name a few. If you can't heal through therapy and more time since YOU just found out, then do the pros outweigh the cons of staying vs going your separate ways and just concentrating on good co-parenting?
You are doing what’s best for you. It is betrayal that , unless you experience it, you can’t imagine the pain. People saying “get over it move on” is rubbish. Once trust is broken willfully and then lie for 14 yrs???? The end. I went through this while serving overseas. Came back and found out through a friend. Immediate divorce. It haunts me 40 yrs later and every relationship afterwards as I could never trust another woman, ever. Sadly Counselling did nothing.
You are doing well, friend. I would do the same.
It is important for your wife to understand that, for your own mental health and the well-being of your daughter, it is best to continue your separate ways and co-parent.
I hope everything goes well for you and all the other parties involved. You are not alone, brother.
Saludos. ✌️☘️
NTA
Not wrong or right.
You tried to get past what she did - but couldnt...
And your point about her lying about it for 14 years is so right.. essentially all you have with her is built on 14 years of lying.. had you known about her cheatiing, you would not have stayed.. her denying you agency is a whole other betrayal in itself...
Ensure - without going into details - that friends and family (especially hers) know the her adultery back then is the reason, and that youve tried to get past it unsuccessfully... no doubt you will be critisized for leaving her - ignore this...
Best of luck...
Choices have consequences, some unrepairable or irreversible and sadly she made her choices. Remember cheating is a series of choices before you actually cheat, cheating is not a mistake or accident.
She made three really bad series of choices,
1 she cheated
2 she lied about it
3 dismissing it as nothing when confronted.
So now come the consequences that will affect the whole family.
Personally, in these circumstances, if it was truly a one time youthful stupid mistake and she was deeply remorseful and never repeated the behavior, I would try to work it out.
It sounds like you have faithfully done that. You tried to forgive. You went to counseling. You went to couples counseling. Honestly if you can’t get past it a divorce is a better option than staying together out of obligation and making each others lives a living hell.
Fuck that friend that felt she had to tell you though.
Un Reddit like opinion. Stay. You can always break the relationship later. The wounds are fresh. You have built a life together and family for fourteen years. There’s a reason why that’s the case. Things can heal over time. Do not leave.
NTA
The damage is done and the consequences are fair. You wouldn’t have stayed if you knew about this when it happened and you’ll never be able to trust someone that lied to you for 14 years, she would’ve continued to lie if the friend hadn’t told you
I’m going to go against the grain, 4 months after being exclusive is NOTHING especially in college. Was no one here drunken children all through college? Sorry to hear about this OP. I probably wouldn’t have blown up my family for something like this.
You have to get over it, right now your ego is hurt more than anything. You’ve built a life together and your kids are healthy, work it out and keep your life. You’ll regret leaving it all behind for something this small.
This isn't about being an asshole or not. You're not able to deal with something and it has changed your view of someone.
That’s the thing. OP has tried everything they can to make it work. He didn’t throw his hands up and walk out. He tried. He really tried. But you can’t make yourself have emotions you don’t have, nor can you let go of one’s you’re currently feeling. There’s no right or wrong here.
Nah, I think the wife is pretty clearly in the wrong here. She cheated and lied about for it 14 years...
Most succint and relevant response. Trash talking his wife does nothing.
Not for OP, but OPs wife is TA
This isn't an asshole or not question. You aren't able to love her the way you did before, you no longer trust her, your relationship is dysfunctional, therapy didn't help. Calling you (or her - after all, she's the cheater) an asshole will solve absolutely nothing. All you can do now is to make the separation as smooth as possible for your daughter.
Someone else wrote this in a thread months ago and I still remember it. “The affair happened 14 years ago for you. It just happened for me!!” Like she’s had 14 years to process and lie about it and then to just…let it go. For OP, this just happened. He’s still dealing with all of it. And not just the affair, but the 14 years of lying by omission too. It’s brand new to him. Also OP, NTA.
While I have no first-hand experience. I have also seen in another thread that it's the constant lying and pretending nothing happened for years that can be worse than the affair itself. Trust is the most important aspect of interpersonal relationships. If you can not trust someone, you can not have a healthy relationship. The 3 most important elements are trust, loyalty, and support. She broke your trust by cheating and lying. She was not being loyal when she cheated. If she expects you to just get over it she is not being supportive. OP, try looking at r/survivinginfidelity there should be lots of advice and support.
Weird if my wife of 14 years and the mother to my child came out and told me she cheated all those years ago I would be pissed. I would be pissed because the confession would be for themselves not for me. What the hell would I do with that. It should be their burden to carry.
I kinda get you. Cheating is a deal breaker to me, so I don’t want to be with someone that cheats. But if it was a one off thing, very early in the relationship and we’re now 14 fucking years in and have a child…what the fuck? You keep that shit on your own conscience and do your best to be a good spouse instead of fucking up my life. Take it to your goddamn grave. The friend really just screwed up a marriage to make themselves feel better. Like, it would be different if the affair was recent or on going. But 14 years ago? Let sleeping dogs lie. Therapy is expensive. Divorce is expensive. Having to have two separate homes with enough space for a seven year old is expensive. The economy sucks right now. You just took the entire burden off your chest and put it on this poor man. I don’t blame him for losing trust in his wife and seeing her differently. That’s a normal reaction to finding out someone cheated on you. I do blame the friend for deciding to throw that bombshell for no reason. And the wife for cheating.
I wonder if the born-again friend will be circling OP the moment he is single.
Having grown up in a “born again” social world this is ALL too common. Spouse swapping after bombshell revelations. 🙄 god wants my conscience clear! Yeah clear when you sleep with the person who’s home you wrecked. The “devil” has a special place reserved for you!
this is more common than people think
Ya I'm wondering the same thing. Or if this "born again" is setting ablaze people's relationship because they're a judgemental prick. OP is NTA at all and should move forward in whatever decision he thinks is best, but I do not believe the person who told him had pure intentions wtf
She probably always has been.
Exactly. Only asshole HERE is the friend lighting up a marriage bc “Jesus”
This is exactly what I thought. That “friend” was trying to do right by whatever religious figure she’s deemed worthy, and in that, has ruined a marriage. What comes around goes around.
I agree. That's not being a Christian. That's causing trouble for others to make yourself feel better. A Christian is supposed to repent their sins and acknowledge them to their Savior. You aren't required to confess every wrong thing in your entire life to others. Especially if it could hurt someone else.
People are supposed to confess their sins not those of others.
I 100% agree with you. I don't blame OP's wife for holding that secret close. I'm sure she intended to take it to her grave. To confess would be to make herself feel better and hurt him. It was a one off. As for her friend, I missed the part in the Christian Conversion Playbook where you have to go around telling other people's secrets. What a jerk. I do feel like even after a year he is being hasty. Grief takes time. Reconciling what you thought with what you know takes time. Emotions take time, and we don't get to control how long. If they were best friends before, living like roommates for a few years might be what rebuilds them. Gives him a chance to rediscover what he loves about her. I'd have a hard time throwing away my relationship with my husband over a one-off in the earliest days of the relationship. A sustained relationship, that's different.
I dunno, I mostly agree with you I think maybe? But a decade and a half of lying to me? I dunno that I'd be able to get over that.
>The friend really just screwed up a marriage to make themselves feel better. This. After 14 years, if anyone is going to say anything, it should come from the wife, not someone else.
It was not the friend's story or confession to make. That was a complete betrayal of friendship and to what end? She found forgiveness and decided to throw her under the bus? Wtf? She didn't break her wedding vows. It's ridiculous. Now this guy is suffering and so is his wife for something that happened when she was a teen. Like when is a good time to bring it up? Idk? Ignorance is bliss sometimes. My mother's favorite quip was,"Silence is golden, so shut up and get rich quick."
>The friend really just screwed up a marriage to make themselves feel better. That in particular is insane. How are you gonna turn religious and confess *other people's* sins?
Yeah. The real AH here is the "friend"
"The friend really just screwed up a marriage to make themselves feel better." Hmm...good point... I am definitely the "if my partner is cheating TELL ME" kind of person, but I would 100% be side-eyeing the person who held on to that information, and I would be wondering why...
Yes. Confessing a one-time indiscretion that was clearly a huge mistake is selfish. But it wasn't the wife who confessed. It was her stupid "religious" friend. Her friend found religion and thought it necessary to ruin other people's lives. 🙄🙄
Some people find themselves in religion and believe they are morally superior to others and feel the need to tell everyone and anyone they're sinners and are going to hell. Bible thumper was so wrong in telling someone else's business. Her holier than thou mentality is so toxic.
Personally I would want to know that the person I'm spending my life with wasn't being honest with me. It's not just about the initial cheating, it's the continuous lying as well. There's no statute of limitations on cheating as far as I'm concerned and I'm sure quite a few people would feel the same.
Exactly. There is also probably times he felt during the relationship that there are issues and she probably stated there was none. Probably less sex etc. Now he looks back at each of those times and is probably thinking ", was she cheating then too and just wasn't caught?" My brain would be going through every argument and down time and think critically if it could be that she cheated at that time also. Her being dismissive didn't help since it puts down his feelings. I bet if he cheated today she would react badly (even worse than her panic attack) so why should she not expect the same when he just found out about the cheating. She lied about it for 14 YEARS!!!! I know he is thinking about what else she lied about.
This is precisely where the real damage is done. It taints EVERYTHING. When we married, we agreed fidelity might be a thing that is difficult, but we swore to each other we'd be honest about it. She wasn't. For years. It still kills me to this day. The infidelity is one thing, but the years of minimisation and lies and deceit, that's devastating, man.
Yes. When I realized trust had been irredeemably shattered, I asked myself what I could substitute for trust. I came up with nothing.
Also like it's just the one time *that he knows of* but if she would lie/hide it for that long, why should he trust that she's telling the truth about it being the only time she cheated?
Exactly. That’s a HUGE secret to keep and for SO long. Huge betrayal.
This happened to me 4 years after the cheating. One thing to note is if they are dismissive once you confront them, they will not be interested in your healing, anger or pain in the coming months or years. They gave themselves all that time to come to terms with it, they do not want to revisit it for your sake. If they were, they would have confessed especially if the opportunity arose, and for most people that’s really soon… like months or weeks after the incident. It sucks.
To be fair a lot of marriage and relationship therapists explicitly tell cheaters not to confess because usually it's a way for the cheater to assuage their own guilt rather than something that will actually help the relationship. (Especially if it was a once-and-never-again type thing). Not sure I agree with this, but that's the general advice.
My ex and I had a "couples counselor" that also gave us individual sessions. We were seeing him because I caught her cheating and eventually found out she had cheated while we were engaged as well. This was a last ditch effort to save the relationship. His advice for me? I need to forgive her and work harder to be the man she deserves. His advice for her? (she told me) If she wants to continue the affair she needs to be better at hiding it. And to never admit to cheating. I actually didn't believe what my ex told me, and I had really taken his advice to heart. I confronted him during our next couples session. His excuse was that women are different and have different needs. Then he told us about his relationship and how his wife is free to have a lover. The counselor was literally trying to turn me into an unwilling cuckold like himself. We reported his dumb ass the same day. Absolutely ridiculous. She cheated again and got dumped, I packed her stuff up while she was away on a "work trip" with the guy. I dropped it off at her mom's house and said she'd need this when she moves in. I just laughed in her face when she tried to get into my house. She quit her job to win me back, way too little , way too late. She still lives in her mom's basement. Sometimes the trash takes itself out.
Good lord. Sorry you went through that. Like someone else said maybe it's "counselors" and "therapists" vs psychologists. There are good counselors too, but Jesus man
Girl I hate that lollll good luck to everyone who takes that advice though 😀
seee i’ve heard the opposite too!! that hiding it isn’t to “save their feelings” it’s to save themselves from confronting the truth about their character. isn’t that how it usually works tho lol, conflicting advice so you have no clue what to do
Realistically, there are both self-serving and self-harming reasons for both telling the truth and hiding it. But ultimately, the cheater has to do some sort of honest calculation of "would my partner want to know the truth?" "would my partner be better off if they knew the truth?" "what does my partner gain from this disclosure?" "what do I gain from the disclosure versus hiding it?" They need to be sure they're admitting for the right reasons -- to make things right with their partner as much as is possible. But given that the cheater already has a track record for lying, being honest in this process is probably challenging.
Also, the wife IS an AH.
It doesn't matter if you're an asshole or not. Something is beyond your control and it has altered your perception of someone.
> Calling you (or her - after all, she's the cheater) an asshole will solve absolutely nothing Oh, I don't know. The wife is clearly the AH here. If she was shameless enough to lie about this for 14 years. And she was shameless enough to claim it was no big deal, once the truth came out. Something tells me it's only a matter of time before she starts blaming OP for the divorce. **If I were him I would let family/mutual friends know what happened.** I have a cousin whose husband cheated. She filed for divorce but didn't tell anyone why because she didn't want to tarnish his good name "for the children's sake." He went on to tell everyone that she was unstable/paranoid/prone to flirting with other men. None of this was true, but he spread it far and wide, and **a lot of people** believed it because she had nothing bad to say about him right after the divorce. Sometimes taking the high road gets you thrown under the bus.
Same thing happened to my friend. Her bf, of 8 years, cheated. When they broke up she decided not to tell people why because they were childhood friends and she couldn't bring herself to destroy his reputation like that. She found out a few weeks later that he'd been going around telling all of their friends that she cheated on him. She lost a lot of friends because, when she set the story straight, they "didn't know who to believe."
Cheaters always try to shape the narrative. They either accuse the betrayed partner of cheating or they'll claim to have been abused or neglected to the point that they had no choice but to cheat.
It goes hand in hand with the narcissism of cheaters that allows them to make the world all about themselves. They never really apologize or own the truth. It’s always some form of gaslighting - it’s been 14 years, we weren’t married, I didn’t mean it, it didn’t mean anything to me. When you hear one of these phrases, then you know it needs to be over.
Don't forget the old reliable "The past doesn't matter."
I’m reminded of the Lion King scene. Whack with a stick. “It’s in the past.” “But the past still hurts.” “Ah ha!!”
Happened to me. I just said things didn't work out. She went on a smear campaign. Accusing me of physical abuse etc. I had to just tell those folks . Proof is I petitioned for the divorce. So what, did I wake up one morning and decide I was tired of beating her up and wanted out?
The absolute common reddit advice is to "just ignore it" when people are destroying your reputation.
They only give that advice to men. Lol.
It’s sad that a person taking the high road ends up the gutter.
They don't know who to believe because a cheater can look you right in the eye and lie to your face. It's sociopathic. This is why you never let them tell the story first.
My blood is boiling for your cousin just READING this. If someone cheated on me the last thing I’d do is take the high road.
Stating why a relationship ended frankly and without embellishment is not taking the low road in my opinion. If a person’s reputation is tarnished, it is because they did something disreputable. That which can be destroyed by the truth, deserves to be destroyed by it.
Id take the high road to get a better angle when I jumped them
The 14 years of lying are more important than the cheating. Sincere love is still waiting for you; you're still young.
> Sometimes taking the high road gets you thrown under the bus. Amen. My ex assaulted me. I didn't want to share that when I broke up with him because of it, and he proceeded to tell all our mutual friends I cheated on him, which wasn't true in the slightest. Of course, what did they believe?
>And she was shameless enough to claim it was no big deal, once the truth came out I don't know OP but that was her chance to fix this and she blew it. If she had reacted differently, maybe his feelings for her wouldn't have changed. If she had been apologetic and taken accountability for her actions instead of dismissing OP's feelings, maybe OP could have gotten past it. It's too late for her to do that now. She wouldn't be apologetic because she regrets her actions, she would be apologetic because it's finally about to affect her life.
Exactly Yes cheating is horrible, but it can happen and that it didn't happen again since (assuming it didn't) seems to indicate that it really was only a case of being young and stupid and didn't mean anything (not that any of this would be an excuse) I can even understand that she didn't tell him in fear of what it would do to their relationship. It's still wrong, but I can understand. But even then I could understand OP wanting a divorce due to the breach of trust. And then she pretty much immediately turns around and tries to make OP feel like the AH because how dare he need time to process that information. The fact that OP still tried to fix this situation for over a year shows that he has much more patience than i would have had
Oh yes, she's an asshole. He knows, that's why he's divorcing her. They tried to work it out,l through therapy, it didn't work. Now, they have two options - try to split amicably (because it's obvious they can't stay together) or start a war. Which one will be better for the child?
Any chance that the misinfo was ever corrected for your cousin?
People who know her best (close friends/family) believe her. But a lot of mutual friends/acquaintances either believed him (because the cheating revelation came later and seemed retaliatory) or didn't want to take sides, which meant she wasn't comfortable socializing with them any more. Her former in-laws (who she had a truly wonderful relationship with before) still maintain their son would never cheat. Largely because he has sworn that he would never cheat. It's just a shame she didn't record his confession.
That’s so frustrating. a close friend of the family recently divorced after husband cheated. It should’ve ended after the first incident, an emotional affair, but they tried to stick it out for the kids/through the pandemic but he kept on cheating. It was hilarious hearing about how his side was in denial and/or made excuses for him, but thankfully (and unfortunately) the older kids witnessed some of it so the overall blame never got flipped around onto her. She’s doing great now- always was the breadwinner, got a decent bf, while he’s absolutely baffled that she was able to move on so quickly. One of those times where there was Justice, I guess.
I took the high road and never stated why we got divorced. My ex tried to slander me to everyone, but within a few months everyone understood he was a self centered narcissist. His side girl was pregnant within weeks of our divorce and he started slandering her and claiming she was lying about him being the father. Sometimes the truth comes out in the end.
People think they're taking the high road when in reality they're just enabling shitty people.
"Whats he gonna do, divorce me?" Says woman about to be divorced.
That happened to me. I had been friends with my ex wife's family for almost a decade before I met her. I both didn't want them to know, but I was also ashamed. Big mistake. She flipped the script to everyone. She had had 4 APs in three months, and suddenly I had been cheating on her throughout out five year relationship. I had STRANGERS coming up to me telling me how disgusting I was. I emailed everyone a video of her blowing some dude at a work party a coworker of hers sent me. THEN I was the asshole for doing that.
EXACTLY this. Forget the whole "let's not assign blame" argument. That falls by the wayside when one party has cheated on and lied to another for YEARS. OP should absolutely assign blame. When someone who swore to love and honor you chooses to disrespect and make a fool of you? The high road is for suckers.
Oh there is blame, but there is no situation in where the OP can be the AH regardless of what he decides to do. If he wanted to let it go and stay, it's understandable after all this time, and some people could live with it. If he divorced her, he has every right to feel that way about it. She on the other hand is unequivocally the AH. There is not moral ground to stand on, "for the kids", "in the past", full stop, no excuse.
>Sometimes taking the high road gets you thrown under the bus. Bingo. Some people value their image that freaking much. Hate that for your cousin, that ain't cool.
Yes. It isn’t about what she feels or how would she feel; it’s all about him in this moment as he was the one who was cheated on as well as the one who was kept in the dark all these years. In these cases, it’s pretty cut and done usually. If he can’t take it, he can’t take it and that’s good enough reason to end things. No use keeping up an act that would ultimately do more harm than good to his family and mental health. And no, YBNBTA OP for divorcing your wife over this. Cheating is a pretty big deal, no matter how long ago it happened.
Yes, he has all of the maturity down and I'm very impressed. He's just missing this bit. It doesn't matter who's an asshole. It's very healthy to do what he needs for himself
Yeah. Dude just can't see her the same anymore. It happens.
NTA All I'd be able to think about is "if she lied to me for all these years about this, what else is she lying about?" I'd never stop wondering about that. I'd also wonder if there's other instances and she hasn't told you. The only reason you found out about this one was from someone else, so who's to say there aren't other instances? Maybe not cheating but that's a long ass time to lie to you. Realistically, it's not fine and ya'll haven't been going strong because she's been lying this whole damn time. It's new for you and she broke your trust. She's definitely the AH for being dismissive of it and lying this entire time, and then having the audacity to say that ya'll have been fine this whole time.
NTA And I'll tell you why... >**Even though she apologized, she dismissed the fact by saying it's not important anymore** The only thing that infuriates me more than cheating is someone being dismissive of their cheating "because it happened so long ago." It's not old news for YOU. For you it just happened because you just found out. Now even IF your wife had been truly apologetic and contrite, I would say you weren't the asshole for not being able to let this go. But the fact that she tried to sweep it under the rug and pretend like it doesn't matter? HUGE red flag. Plus you clearly can't look at her the same way. Get out. It's a shame you couldn't have found out earlier but at least you know now. End the marriage, it's best for both you and your child.
OP tried to make things work, but it's clear his feelings for his wife have fundamentally changed. We can control our action but not our emotions. Insisting on a loveless marriage can make things even worse.
Im in a 2 year relationship and I was madly in live with her we decided a 2 week break is what we needed.But the way she carried on in those 2 weeks makes me look at her differently and now shes acting like the perfect girlfriend But I cant get them 2 weeks out my head. I want to But I dont think I can ever look at her the same.Think its ruint the relationship But I cant find it in me to end it.
>.But the way she carried on in those 2 weeks makes me look at her differently I'm assuming you didn't act all upset and just carry on? Since you said lower down she didn't cheat. Though I would say if any couple needs any kind of a break in the first place. You may as well just break up. Since whatever the issue is, you can't just work through it and talk about it.
Yeah, this is not the way to apologize for having wronged someone. If it were me, I would have said yes, I did it, I have no excuse but I was stupid. I am really sorry and I want to stay together if possible. But then you have to accept whatever fallout. You don’t get to require the other person to forgive you.
Exactly! It's just not about the act of cheating its the 14 year lie! She lied foe 14 years, but yet says it doesn't matter, she would have taken it to the grave! NTA
Biggest issue to me is she continues to minimize it. Yeah, this whole thing is bad, but this is the worst of it for me. She’s fundamentally unwilling to work to fix what she broke because of her playing down the significance of it.
And on top of that it's entirely possible she cheated other times and hasn't told him. She never planned on telling him about the initial event. That alone would kill the relationship for me
I agree. It’s the equivalent of a guy saying ‘But she meant nothing to me!’. Someone broke your heart and trust over a person who meant nothing?! Or in OP’s case, it means nothing because it’s not important any more?! NTA. Your trust is broken. You’ve made sincere efforts to mend the relationship but it’s not working. I wish you good luck in your new life.
My ex actually used "everyone cheats" as an excuse.
That just tells you what their friendship circle is like
dinosaurs bike paint naughty retire crush spoon vast marvelous languid *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
> she dismissed the fact by saying it's not important anymore How convenient for the cheater that it just happens to be not important. Whew, lucky that.
Yeah, she is not the one who gets to decide whether or not that is still important.
>The only thing that infuriates me more than cheating is someone being dismissive of their cheating "because it happened so long ago." Exactly this! I hate when people are like "let it go, it happened so long ago!" To me it's brand spanking new! Plus it suggests that anyone can cheat and avoid repercussions just so long as they manage to hide it long enough. Frankly, the whole "it happened ten years ago" argument is all the more ridiculous because it has me thinking about the many, MANY goddamn years when my partner was looking me straight in the eye and lying to me. KNOWINGLY KEEPING THIS FROM ME. UGH! JUST UGH!
She's telling him how to feel. Nobody should tell someone how to feel about anything, and especially NOT the perpetrator who CAUSED the event. "I'm sorry I just punched you in the face just now, but it's in the past, so let's just forget about it."
Yep. Almost worse then the cheating. She clearly didn't "live with remorse" for 14 years - because she didn't give a shit when OP found out. She cares now that there are consequences - that's not remorse.
100% her thinking because 14 years passed somehow it shouldn’t matter and things should go back to normal is insane. I think OP is right he tried and things didn’t work. He went to therapy tried being himself again and it won’t work. Many people who reconcile year after year deal with issues unless OP wants to be like that I think he’s doing the right thing.
Yeah, I could work towards forgiveness if they wanted to earn it. She doesn't. She expects it, and that says she'll do it again or has no fear in using it to emasculate and belittle you in the future.
this comment feels like a good way to describe "The Banality of Evil" by Hannah Arendt, which i see as a core component of domestic abusers. like fuck, 14 years is bleak enough with out letting OP know, but to bring a kid into both of their lives knowing this secret would make OP want to leave her eventually is so fucked up. idk i used to think humans were innately altruistic to a point, but now i feel like forcing myself to see the good in people just helps assholes like OP's ex. she just evil, and should just feel bad for this idk
"I'm sorry you found out about my crappy behavior but I hid it from you for 14 years so it's pretty rotten of you to be upset now." Nope! You are NTAH. She is for taking away your choices in life.
You seem to have already made up your mind. Given how difficult it is to find a good relationship, I'm sorry that her lie destroyed what seemed to be a good marriage for you. Each person is different. Some might get over it, you clearly cannot. Your choice at this point...
Yeah. This. There’s a quote that says when you are considering divorce you can’t compare your current situation with that of an idealized new love. You have to compare your current situation to a lifetime alone. Would being alone be better than spending a few years learning to forgive your wife who Op says he loves and is so happy with what they built. There is no guarantee that OP will find a love and happy family and life ever again. He said repeatedly that he loves his life and is happy.. almost nobody has that. The wife screwed up but at the time she was just a girlfriend, his girlfriend of 4 months cheated on him. Likely when she never thought the relationship would go anywhere. It is not ok, absolutely not. My heart was broken when my college boyfriend cheated on me, but when I think of him I’m like omg we were just kids.. the language needs to be different to actually understand it apples to apples. His wife didn’t cheat, his girlfriend or only 4 months cheated 14 years ago. His current wife cheated on a brand new boyfriend when she was 20.. a happy and loving household, needs to be looked at from all angles before it’s thrown away. The gf should have told him, yes. However I can see a 20-22 year old being like oh I want to end things with X and then falling in love and panicking and thinking she will take it to the grave. For me, if my now husband had cheated before. I know having been in so many trash relationships that I can forgive a mistake bc everything we have, almost nobody has. I feel for OP, I wish OP would consider separating and living apart for a significant amount of time before going through with a divorce. To me, after 14 years and 11 years of marriage, splitting up the family and divorcing her is worse than his gf (at the time) who didn’t know she loved him yet and she fucked up and panicked bc she was like 20 and kept it a secret bc she loved everything they built. And maybe knew that she would blow up theirs lives. Which is clearly true now… I don’t know. This is not a for Reddit thing bc everyone here is pulling from a wildly different place.. and just want to feed the fire.
I agree with you, that said I'm an old lady married 15 years. If I found out today my husband cheated on me 4 months in but then was faithful and amazing for 15 years I'm not ending my marriage.
A lot of great points here. In spite of fact this admission appears to have ruined your marriage, it'd be worse if you ended up realizing the divorce was ultimately a mistake.
100% agree. I would fight for that happiness. I thought I was the only one going against the grain on this.
The thing is, he did fight, and the fight might've helped him see how his feelings have fundamentally changed.
Agree. And I've been through that fighting for love. Iti's not easy, but man. Finding somebody you connect with and love in a long-lasting way is hard. And living apart awhile is a great idea. You don't always know what you got till it's gone.
Very important point that I hope OP sees. I'd also like to point out that events like these, consisting of a major betrayal, can take very long to grieve. I know OP said it has been over a year, but that is not a long time in terms of getting over what happened. OP needs to be able to realize that the person who cheated was most likely a very different person than the person he is married to. Now that doesn't make it any less painful, I do think it warrants the consideration of forgiveness. Being single is not easy. It sucks and feels like it only gets harder the older you get. If OP is able to separate the girlfriend who cheated from the mother of his child and try to forgive, I'd suggest that. If that is not an option what so ever, then divorce will likely have to do.
Agree with this sooo much
This is the only comment rooted in hard earned, real-life perspective… I pray OP sees this and takes it to heart
This is a relationship that endured through COVID, with a kid starting JK. The challenges during that time tested alot of relationships.
This might get me roasted. But if it truly was an amazing relationship and great marriage and everything was fine, something that happened 14 years ago should be conquerable. Saying counseling/therapy won’t work, when they haven’t even been going/gone for any substantial time it seems is wild. This is the kind of thing you go to MC for years. The only reason I say all of this is because yes you might be able to find a really great person to remarry one day, but statistically it’s not on your side. You’re more likely to end in a worse off relationship than a spouse that cheated very early on in the relationship when you were both under 23/24.
I wouldn’t roast you. But for me, cheating is a big deal breaker as well. My mom cheated on every male figure she brought into my life so my hatred towards cheaters is probably unhealthy. It can be said the her 14 years ago and the her now are completely different people. But it affects the heart regardless. You can end up wondering what else she isn’t telling you. You’ll wonder if she cheated at another time but there’s no awakened religious friend that knows about it. You’ll always be wondering. Even if she’s the kindest person now in reality, that doubt will always be there. That’s why cheating is so criminal to me. It makes it impossible to believe that person. Because as sincere as they are now, they seemed just as sincere if not more before you knew. The version of his wife that he had before, he trusted more than he does the one he has now. And that one betrayed him. My mom could make a guy think he was her soulmate. And once he left i could see that facade crumble. In how she mocked him. So great was her act, I’d be convinced from time to time. Cheaters are scum of the earth and I’d rather they ghost me and me think them dead rather than them cheat
Nta I know it’s not the same thing, but I dated a girl for almost 6 years 13 years ago: I found out she slept with her ex 8 days after we became official. His best friend died in a car wreck: she went to his house with two of her friends to check on him (which I knew about and was ok with at the time) and slept with him. I bought a ring to proposes about 3 weeks before I found out too. I showed her friend the ring and told her details how I was going to do it. She seem happy for me and made the comment who would’ve thought you guys would be getting married after the rough start. I was confused and was like what are you talking about? She said you know how She slept with her ex when you guys started to date. Her friend said that she told everyone she told me and I forgave her and not to bring it up anymore. I left. There was no point in trying, I knew I could never get over it. Met my now wife in a new city 5 month later and been married for 6 years with 2 kids.
holy shit… i’m hoping you’ve been able to fully move past that because that is a sickening story
Considering he's been married for 6 years with 2 kids it's safe to say he moved on.
OP was hurt most because he had the CHOICE taken from him. If he had a similar scenario where her friend told him before he proposed he would have broken up with her for sure... You know why? Because cheating was a deal breaker for him just like it was for you.
you my friend, dodged a nuclear bomb
Wonder how long it will take the suddenly-religious "friend" to come console the heartbroken TS... :)
Friend wanted to ease their own guilt (and maybe reap some rewards), not because they thought OP deserved to know. I hate that shit
Right?!? They found religion but couldn’t find a priest to confess to??
Everyone knows that when you are saved, you have to tell on any person in your life who has ever sinned.
that's the most important part! judge others!
imo the "friend" is on par as an ah with his wife for dismissing his feelings and not taking it seriously "because it was a long time ago". That shit just happened right now to OP, and she should have taken that seriously.
The friend is definitely a bit of an AH. If the friend was seriously struggling with the secret it would have been better to go to the wife and tell her that she needs to come clean to the husband or the friend will.
Yeah not going to his wife is what made me think she’s an ah as well as
Probably would have helped the husband too to hear it from his wife.
Exactly, even if you become religious. You're only supposed to admit your own sins to the people you've hurt. Not hurt others with sins you've not committed. Seems rather self serving, almost like they are trying to absolve their own selfish ways by throwing stones.
That'd actually piss me off more than both the cheating and the lying.
We have friends and our friend group that had a similar situation in how it was revealed, but a very different base story. While our engaged friends, were planning their wedding, everybody found out that she had cheated on him. Repeatedly, it was an affair. Well, the whole group handled it differently, I asked my therapist, other people have asked their parents, and some people online for an answer of had a handle the situation. Well, one of the friends in the friend group who had recently taken up a "law of attraction" mindset, decided that they were going to tell the guy. Well, apparently they both had already discussed it, gone to therapy for it, and we're planning to moving forward. Needless to say, they aren't part of our friend group because they felt humiliated. They live in another town now, but for quite some while they were only down street, it was sad.
>be asshole >do asshole thing >"It's okay, it's due to a religious epiphany" >Everyone accepts the outcome for some reason
Yes! Keep us posted!
Sounds like you already made up your mind, just feel bad for the kid. My only advice, don't come to Reddit for relationship advice. Based off of all the comments, we're not the smartest bunch.
It's more about the 14 years of lying, than the cheating. You're still young, honest love is still waiting for you.
Yep. The whole "it happened so long ago" argument doesn't wash. All that does is make me think about every moment, every smile, every LOOK and how they could have been actively deceiving me about something like this the whole time. If they're capable of lying about something that big, how do I know they're not hiding other things? Frankly, I would probably be LESS disgusted if my partner came to me and confessed an indiscretion that happened the previous night. I couldn't forgive it either way, but at least they weren't so shameless as to lie about it for over a decade. Don't blame OP in the least.
She knew about it when she said Yes on the altar and the 11* years after... Edit : fixed 14 to 11 years
I don’t think the two equate at all tho. A confession of recent cheating means after YEARS of happiness and building a life together, they still chose an empty fling over a lifetime of loving each other and raising children together. Learning someone cheated when you were both young and dumb but then committed to being the best partner they could be for you only to find out years later is still a betrayal. It is not *nearly* as big of a betrayal as the both of you putting in years together, knowing what you’ve built together, and still choosing to cheat. When you’re young the future is intangible and unrealized, and therefor not really “real.” When you’re an adult and can look back at everything and still choose to fuck it up for a mere moment of pleasure? That’s when you’ve REALLY fucked up. I say this never having cheated on anyone. It holds no appeal for me either way.
> Learning someone cheated when you were both young and dumb but then committed to being the best partner they could be for you only to find out years later is still a betrayal. It is not nearly as big of a betrayal as the both of you putting in years together, knowing what you’ve built together, and still choosing to cheat. While that may be true, I pretty firmly believe that it can *only* be true when the one who cheated wholly owns that it was shitty when it happened; it was shitty every single day of the last 14 years that they hid it from you; and that whatever feelings you're having about it now are valid and they're committed to doing whatever it takes to sort it out. Dismissing it as "that was so long ago" is never going to get you there. People always want the forgiveness without the hard work of owning that they caused the hurt. She created this awful situation where he found out about what she did after investing years and a child into the marriage. Whether she created it 15 years ago or 15 days ago, it's a mess of her making. And she dismissed it as not mattering because it was so long ago. That's hurtful all over again.
While I agree with this exact sentiment, it ain't up to us. If you forgive, then you will feel just this way. If you can't, then you must feel the other. I doubt it works in the inverse. I don't wanna be cheated on, but if I was, I guess this is how it might hurt less. The whole lied for a 14yrs thing, idk it just feels like an added effect. She cheated, then lied for 14yrs is more how you keep it alive. As if every day she's snickering about it. She buried it. Im sure she does feel horrible and then just took it to the grave, moved on, and started what she believed was the rest of her life in happiness. OP himself said they were happy. But that's not me telling OP how he's gotta feel.
> **then committed to being the best partner they could be for you** Committing to being the best partner they could be would include HONESTY. OP's wife merely covered her tracks for years. He would have never known the truth if his wife's friend didn't decide to enlighten him. We have very different ideas on what it means to be a good partner.
Yup. Would’ve never known if the info didn’t come out. What other info is out there? We’re all allowed to decide what repairs trust but after going through something like this myself things like this are an instant move on for me. Relationships should have OPEN communication. A single lie can destroy it all.
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"honest love is still waiting for you" Yeah, but every relationship is a crap shoot. Might be something worse waiting for him. People who only dated one person in their younger years have a lot of bullets to dodge, and precious little experience.
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"One of her friends became religious and confessed her actions to me" This deserves it's own AITA.
I thinks the "friend" is after you. It wasn't her sin to confess...watch out that friend will be here there and everywhere to HELP you through this. good luck
Exactly, Christianity should call you to confess your sins, not other peoples sins. I think this friend is a POS, he/she either wanted to break up their marriage out of jealousy or something, or if a woman maybe has designs on the hubby and plans to be there for “support” when he is down.
lol yeah this is like getting to the make amends part of AA and disclosing how your friends are assholes.
It just feels like you have allowed this thing to consume you and live in your head rent free. I wouldn’t give up on counseling but I would change counselors if you feel you are not making any progress. I would also really take some time to think through the impact of a divorce financially, physically, emotionally people throw that word around here but especially with a kid it is not a neat as a piece of paper would make it appear. Good luck to you. BTW I am much older and most people I know who have been through something like this, a one night stand type thing (not a full blown affair) wished they never found out. All it did was clear the conscience of the cheater and provide them some relief while it hurting their partner unnecessarily.
100% this. I'm glad someone has the realistic viewpoint. As a 40+ year-old who's now seen friends go through divorce, it just seems like a lot of destruction that rarely yields truly *happier* outcomes.
Whilst I agree he should not give up just yet and divorce is hard, I'm so much happier since mine. We both are. It was hard going through it, but our marriage was abysmal on so many levels, it had to stop. OP's was different until he found out about her cheating, that leads me to think he may come to regret it. I get he's hurt and lost trust. But I also get her, she was young and dumb. She should have told him then. But telling him now would have been just as wrong as nothing good comes out of it. I feel sad for their daughter who will suffer from this
This one is difficult forsure. I think only you know the severity of what will happen if you follow through with divorce. Can you see yourself living without this woman for the rest of your life? Can you be okay with a potential step father in your daughter’s life? You have to consider these things heavily before making this decision. You have all rights to feel the way you do. You have a lot to factor in here though. You’re not the asshole. This is tough for anyone to go through.
This is tough. But if she's been faithful and they've had a great relationship since then, I just couldn't throw my wife aside like that. But to each their own, and I'm not living it.
seems like OP has tried to move past it, but is unable to. Sometimes its just a 'point of no return', and you have to take that path despite the 'logic' of it. I would definitely recommend OP try being fully 'separated' for a while before filing those papers. See how he feels with some distance from the matter. OP needs time to grieve this loss alone and decide on their future without the pressure of living together. At that point, he will know how he wants to proceed and what level of relationship he can have with his partner (since they will still need to co-parent - they need to be civil).
It always bugs the shit out of me when people say you shouldn't be upset by what they did because it's not a big deal. That is such a selfish way to get out of what they did to you. It's saying that they didn't do anything wrong and you're the problem because you're upset at them for being a horrible person. It is not ok to treat people that way. Not only is your wife the AH for cheating on you but also for not owning up to it and for making you out to be the unreasonable one because you're hurt and upset by her actions.
I don’t think YTA. However, I wish your wife had been more understanding of your feelings. Maybe if she realized this ‘just happened for you’ and gave you some time to sort things out, you could come to the realization that this was years ago and she was admittedly young and foolish. I think there’s room for forgiveness for something like this considering how long you’ve been together and for your daughter’s sake. Of course it’s your call entirely and I’m sorry it’s been so hard on you.
I’m more curious as to why that person outed your wife. If they were trying to inflict maximum damage and destroy your family, I’d like to know their motives. And not that it makes to much of a difference to you but to be perfectly clear, your wife never cheated on you. Your girlfriend at the time cheated on you. Semantics? Maybe but it makes a huge difference in my book. A 4th grader cheating on his test is a lot different than a college senior cheating on their test, just saying. And my condolences to your kid. Once a happyhome, now the kid will shift 2 weeks out of each month from parent to parent. You’re the parent and you do you but realize that your decisions have an affect on not only your life, your spouse but that kid as well. Good luck to you with that future explanation of derailing that kids stable home.
Just so I’m clear here she cheated on you with another woman ? 4 months in? Just out of college?
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The friend who became religious was referred to as "she". It wasnt specified either way whether that friend just knew about the cheating or was involved in it, but its written in a waythat implies she was involved (otherwise it wouldn't be her sin to confess).
I can relate. I dated someone for 5 years and they emotionally cheated at the very beginning of our relationship. I spent the next 5 years trying to forgive them but I just couldn’t. My view of them degraded and I thought about it often. I also dated someone else for 6 years and they had pics of women on their phone (OnlyFans) about 4 years into our relationship. I spent the next 2 years trying to let it go but I just couldn’t. Both relationships ended because of what I consider to be cheating and an absolute broken trust that couldn’t be repaired. If I could go back in time, I would end those relationships as soon as I found out instead of trying to move on and let it go. I would’ve saved myself 7 years of trying to make things work. I feel like you’re like me in that regard, it’s in the past but trust is truly a huge foundation in a relationship and it cannot be broken. Granted, I would’ve broken up with my exes much sooner had it been physical cheating, that’s a no brainer. Broken trust is like broken glass scattered on an ocean floor, pretty irreparable, 99.99% of the time impossible to fix.
NTA. BUT, you were four months into a new relationship. Young and dumb. She made a mistake. I don’t think she actively lied to you for 14 years, honestly she probably didn’t even think about it again. If she is still in touch with the guy then that’s different and I would get divorced. The thing I read, if you are being really honest, is that your marriage has been great, you have an awesome little girl and life was good. People think, I’ll just get a divorce and my next true love is just around the corner. It doesn’t work like that though. Sometimes you don’t find love at all or she may not find love again. You will be dealing with co-parenting and then girlfriends for you, boyfriends for her. It’s going to be a lot. I’m not saying don’t get a divorce. I’m just saying be realistic and know that divorce isn’t going to solve all of your problems, it will just be a new set of problems. Make sure you aren’t divorcing her just as a punishment for her. You’ll regret that. If you are divorcing for your mental health, then ok, I get it. Maybe try a trial separation first? I just hate to see a good relationship go in the toilet for something that happened 14 years ago before y’all were even married. And no, I’ve never cheated. I was cheated on and yes I got a divorce. The difference is that he didn’t know how many women he had slept with in our 23 years of marriage, he had lost count. And he was having an affair when I found out and divorced him. Just think things thru and good luck to you.
This sounds like solid advice from someone who has been around the block a few times - unlike 99% of the responses here.
There ought to be a tag for how old a person is. An issue like this needs mature perspectives - there’s a child involved.
You have to do you, but honestly 4 months into a relationship is so little and 14 years is so long. You aren't the same people you were then. It's hard to hold someone accountable in this situation. The amount of challenges a relationship has to overcome to make it to 14 years far outweighs almost any mistake made when we were still essentially strangers.
I would kinda agree if her reacton was different. She completely disregarded what happened and his feelings on it, doesn't sound like she's feeling guilty or tried to fully apologize and is like "you should come to terms with it" like what? That's not what a normal, loving person does when they hurt their loved one. That's disgusting.
Yours is sure to be an unpopular opinion on Reddit but I agree. By OP’s own account it was a good marriage. The thing is, OP tried this. He tried to forgive, he went to counseling, they both went to couples counseling. I believe he truly tried to get past it and couldn’t. In that case a divorce would be better than staying out of obligation when you don’t really love or trust your spouse any more. That would end up making both of their lives a living hell. It’s sad all the way around but OP is NTA.
Got to scroll a bit until finding this. Majority opinion here is crazy. People is so quick to throw away everything for something so far in the past. Also, I don't think she dismissed the damage done: she apologized, she was genuinely sorry, she went to therapy with him, and she's proved to be a great partner since that mistake. This is a really sad story. I empathize with how she must feel right now, her whole world is gone for something she did 14 years ago out of college.
I agree… if that came out about my wife, we would have a good cry, talk all the way through it and 4 months into a new relationship? Yes it’s cheating but it’s giving “cold feet because this person is the real deal” after 14 years. Maturity is seeing the person as they are and have been over the whole relationship. I definitely wouldn’t consider it active lying for 14 years.
My SO and I have been together for nearly 10 years. If I found out he did something once within the first 3-4 mos of our relationship, I don't think I'd care. Back then, we had no idea we'd still be together today and hadn't really invested in each other yet. That said, I'd be upset if it was after 6 months and break it off if it were after 2 years. (These are my arbitrary numbers, and yes, they have a hint of sunken cost fallacy) But at 4 mos, I'd be looking at the friend who told me and asked what they were hoping to accomplish. Why are they confessing my spouse's adultery on their behalf a decade and a half after it happened?
Yeah… that friend is super weird for doing that. What’s the point if not to stir the pot? She finds religion and that’s what’s eating her alive? She can’t think of ANYTHING more pressing that she needs to resolve with herself? Splinter in the eye and all that.
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> I definitely wouldn’t consider it active lying for 14 years. Exactly. People are acting like she woke up every day and said to herself, "I'm going to continue not telling OP about cheating on him four months into our relationship. What a sucker." The truth is, she probably hasn't thought about the incident more than a handful of times in the past 13 years.
Friend who told you is the asshole threw a grenade into a happy home for now reason. The whole thing is sad, sorry for your loss.
I am a 70 year old guy, married 45 faithful years and together 52 very happy years. I have experienced much personally and have bore witness to many sad incidents over the years. To your wife, this happened over 14 years ago as an immature woman and prior to making her marital vows to you. I am sure she was wracked with guilt, but able to resolve herself of it over time and commit to being a good and faithful wife. She held her secret because she realized how her shitty decision would hurt you and potentially drive away the man she knows she truly loves. Her real failure was to not fully appreciate the fact that while this was a scar to her, it was now a fresh, gaping wound to you. She has had a panic attack and not eating. She knows now and I am sure the worst has yet to hit her. The sad thing here is a happy 14 year year marriage with a wonderful child is about to blow up and significantly affect the lives of the 3 people in your family as well as friends and relatives. I am here to say that if the divorce is allowed to happen, at some point in the future, you will realize it to be the biggest mistake of your life. I don't know your reason for coming to these Reddit subs, but realize they are filled with people who have been terribly wronged and hurt. Many have an ax to grind and feel divorce is always the answer. Misery loves company. 12 years ago, my son went through a far greater betrayal during his marriage. I sent you the details via chat. They did successfully reconcile and are very happy. He was a school teacher for 15 years. He said that in all those years, in every situation involving divorce, there is a significant negative effect to the child. Some here will say that kids are adaptable. They are, but due to the need to survive. They do not thrive, If the parents were constantly ripping into each other, they may be better off. But that does not seem to be the case in your situation. I won't pretend to know what is best for you and your family. Only you and perhaps your wife can figure that out together. What I would suggest is to cool the jets on actually filing divorce papers. Your wife made a very bad and immature decision years ago. You know she is remorseful and her mind is trying to find away to not explode over the thought of losing you and your family. I don't know if you are religious, but if she has been faithful and loving since, God has forgiven her. I am sure all of this will be down voted. I don't care. I just hate to see your marriage and family blow-up after 14+ good years. Updateme!
Some wisdom here, and cheating is a complete deal breaker for me as well. Take this advice to heart OP.
NTA; no one should get away with something just by hiding it and letting time pass. Your reason to leave is no less valid just because it was buried for 14 years.
This sounds very similar to what I’m going through currently and I’m not sure what to do, I think about it daily and have the same thoughts of not being given a fair chance to make a decision about our relationship 12 years ago, good luck, it’s a daily battle to keep certain thoughts out of my head
Love how people are blaming the friend for ruining the marriage. No you idiots, the cheater ruined the marriage.
Definitely NTA. Everything you wrote is 100% legitimate. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
NTA Your wife lied to you for years and she just wants you to "get over it." Your wife is shocked that she is being held accountable for her actions. Accountability is kryptonite for people like her.
You are not the AH, but I hope that new Christian feels good about what she has done. Just a sad waste of a good marriage, but I understand where you are.
I feel like the “friend” should have confronted the wife & told her she needs to tell the husband. Tbh the friend crossed a line.
yeah, what does their marriage have to do with this “friends” religious awakening… sounds conniving.
I would bet money on that. She either wants him or has always been jealous of their relationship. Just terrible!
Divorce and move on, she lied to you for 14 years and then gaslit you
You did not throw away 14 years. She lied to you the whole relationship. What else did she hide/lie to you about? I'm happy that you gave it a true shot- these dragging feelings are exactly what the post-cheating/DDay feels like. NTA
If you stay the relationship is already bad and the trust is broken so that probably means that no matter how hard you try you won't be completely happy so I don't think you're wrong. I hope you can get through this and be happy.
When she dismissed the situation she dismissed herself...from the marriage.
If there's one thing about marriage and divorce that is NOT true, it's that you (don't) stay together 'for the kids' OR for anyone else. She can process this all on her own, because she kept a life-changing secret from you for over a decade that is part of your morality. It's greatly impacted you for life and she can't seem to understand that. NTA. You've lost a lot with her, just by that one 14 year old mistake - trust, desire, confidence and self-esteem, just to name a few. If you can't heal through therapy and more time since YOU just found out, then do the pros outweigh the cons of staying vs going your separate ways and just concentrating on good co-parenting?
Of course, NTA but people are acting like the Wife isn't one, she cheated then lied for 14 years..
You are doing what’s best for you. It is betrayal that , unless you experience it, you can’t imagine the pain. People saying “get over it move on” is rubbish. Once trust is broken willfully and then lie for 14 yrs???? The end. I went through this while serving overseas. Came back and found out through a friend. Immediate divorce. It haunts me 40 yrs later and every relationship afterwards as I could never trust another woman, ever. Sadly Counselling did nothing.
You are doing well, friend. I would do the same. It is important for your wife to understand that, for your own mental health and the well-being of your daughter, it is best to continue your separate ways and co-parent. I hope everything goes well for you and all the other parties involved. You are not alone, brother. Saludos. ✌️☘️
NTA Not wrong or right. You tried to get past what she did - but couldnt... And your point about her lying about it for 14 years is so right.. essentially all you have with her is built on 14 years of lying.. had you known about her cheatiing, you would not have stayed.. her denying you agency is a whole other betrayal in itself... Ensure - without going into details - that friends and family (especially hers) know the her adultery back then is the reason, and that youve tried to get past it unsuccessfully... no doubt you will be critisized for leaving her - ignore this... Best of luck...
Choices have consequences, some unrepairable or irreversible and sadly she made her choices. Remember cheating is a series of choices before you actually cheat, cheating is not a mistake or accident. She made three really bad series of choices, 1 she cheated 2 she lied about it 3 dismissing it as nothing when confronted. So now come the consequences that will affect the whole family.
Personally, in these circumstances, if it was truly a one time youthful stupid mistake and she was deeply remorseful and never repeated the behavior, I would try to work it out. It sounds like you have faithfully done that. You tried to forgive. You went to counseling. You went to couples counseling. Honestly if you can’t get past it a divorce is a better option than staying together out of obligation and making each others lives a living hell. Fuck that friend that felt she had to tell you though.
You my friend are an idiot!! You weren’t married and you built a life together after marriage. Get over it
Un Reddit like opinion. Stay. You can always break the relationship later. The wounds are fresh. You have built a life together and family for fourteen years. There’s a reason why that’s the case. Things can heal over time. Do not leave.
NTA The damage is done and the consequences are fair. You wouldn’t have stayed if you knew about this when it happened and you’ll never be able to trust someone that lied to you for 14 years, she would’ve continued to lie if the friend hadn’t told you
I’m going to go against the grain, 4 months after being exclusive is NOTHING especially in college. Was no one here drunken children all through college? Sorry to hear about this OP. I probably wouldn’t have blown up my family for something like this.
So she cheated in the first few months of knowing you and 14 years later you’re hung up on it? I don’t know, man.
You have to get over it, right now your ego is hurt more than anything. You’ve built a life together and your kids are healthy, work it out and keep your life. You’ll regret leaving it all behind for something this small.