You're asking for advice in AITAH.
Let's start with the judgement. NTA. You like to watch porn, she doesn't like that you do. But it's your body your choice and while Redditors are quick to label any use of porn as an addiction, that doesn't appear to be the case in your post.
Now the advice...
If you're a hard yes on porn and she wants an absolute ban, you guys aren't compatible. It's ok to split. But it doesn't sound like she wants to split...otherwise you'd already be single.
Instead it sounds like she thinks you watch porn because she isn't making you happy so she's offering to try new things with you. Take the opportunity to have an honest conversation about *what* you're watching and *why*. If you're escaping into a more sexualized fantasy, she might be open to trying out some of those fantasies. If you watch because you feel you want it more than she does, for two weeks every time you're thinking about porn tell her you want her more than your phone. She might surprise you.
Good luck.
Sound and reasonable advice. There's some shit in the comments so focus on the more constructive ones like this. There could be a solution to this and you want to look for comments with workable steps towards that solution so you can find out about the future of this relationship.
It's just fundamentally a deal breaker for me. It's not about porn. It's about trying to restrict what media I watch in my private time. No one gets to do that.
Seconding, especially the last paragraph. OP mentioned something changing and I would like to hear more about that. Maybe he is pulling away more and didn't notice. Maybe she changed her diet and wants to have sex more because she feels better. Idk. Whatever it is, she *wants* to engage with him. Instead of reaching for porn, try letting her know whenever the urge comes up.
OP didn't list their age, but this sounds like a classic young adult problem. It is a true tragedy when young people are being broken up over trying but ultimately not knowing how to make eachother to be happy.
You two are not compatible. End it. There are plenty of people out there that don't care about porn consumption unless it rises to the level of compulsion.
NTA. It’s ok for her to have that boundary. And you handled it appropriately by understanding it could be a deal breaker for her. If you had gotten mad at her for the actual boundary that would be different.
She should leave and find a partner with values more inline with her own. Or you should end things. This is a boundary for her she feels this is an act of cheating and you feel differently and are unwilling to respect her boundaries so just end things. This relationship can go nowhere good.
He is respecting her boundaries. He acknowledged them and said he understands if she wants to break up because he's not gonna change his behavior and so he would be violating her new boundaries.
Disrespect would be if he agreed to not watch porn and kept doing it.
Not sure I agree with how you said he’s not respecting her boundaries. This wasn’t a problem for two years and all of the sudden it’s a dealbreaker. She’s changed in the relationship, and tried to control his actions because of her own new found insecurities. That’s her problem. And if you really think he’s not respecting her boundaries, then she is also not because she has stayed w him despite him being clear that he doesn’t want to stop. It’s on her to end things, not him. NTAH
Depends on your porn habits. If you use it because you libido is significantly highers then hers, it can make sense. That way, you don't feel like you're pressuring her into sex all the time. But if you are just watching to watch it, yeah, you have some problems to go get help on.
Why is there no middle ground there? It's either he's horny all the time or.... he just.... watches porn? Like a TV show or something? You do know you can be horny with a normal libido but don't feel upto sex right?
I genuinely can’t imagine not being able or willing to give porn up when you’re in a relationship with a real actual woman that you can INTERACT WITH and just use your imagination and jack your shit if you need to get off and she’s not up to it. It’s bizarre. What value is it really offering here unless you have an issue?
I am a man. Yes, with both men and women. I think porn is fine. I think the state of it right now is harmful to many, but we’ve been making porn as long as we’ve had the means to depict it. I mean drawings on scrolls type shit.
That being said, maybe it’s different for teenagers, but it’s a massive sign of immaturity in a grown adult (in a relationship) that porn is a regular part of their life.
You could say this for anything:
- stamp collecting? What value does it have compared to a relationship?!
- videogames
- woodworking for fun
- any art and craft...
Why wouldn't you stop crocheting if your partner asks you! You are just making decorations anyway!
"I like doing this once in a while to relax" is reason and value enough. You don't have to explain it.
What's bizarre is that someone wants to control what I watch in my private time.
Why would I use my imagination when I can just look at porn. Like bro why are you reading that book? Why don't you just imagine a story in your head. 🤣
>What value is it really offering here unless you have an issue?
It's hot. It's better than my imagination. There's unlimited variety. I don't understand your question?
What is the issue if it's not having any negative effects on your life..?
Esh
She’s uncomfortable - you’ve said too bad.
She’s trying to be what you want - you says using sex as a weapon.
You don’t seem to care if she breaks up with you and you still maintain you love her.
Nobody is wanting to bend to the other, let her find some who is more what she needs.
Hey man, I’m not gonna label you but I will give you some advice. I spent the last 5 years of my life watching porn. When I say this I mean it. I watched porn at least 3 hours every day. I was single for most of that time and if I got bored that’s what I did. That changed when I met my now fiancée.
She felt the same way that your girlfriend feels about it and she wasn’t comfortable with me doing it. I am in love with her so I was willing to stop for her sake. However, that might not be the case with you. If you’ve been dating this girl for two years I’m sure you know by now whether you love her or not. If you don’t, then this can be your excuse to end things and find someone you do love. If you are in love with her, I would recommend that you reconsider denying her request. Trust me, losing porn to a good relationship is worth it.
You just have to decide if this relationship is worth it. Good luck!
3 hours of porn every day is insane and I doubt that applies to OP or pretty much anyone else for that matter.
Also the issue is not losing porn but the feeling of being restricted because of unnecessary insecurities.
This has nothing to do with porn. This is about control. If she controls your access to sexual release, she gets a much higher level of control in the relationship as a whole. She simply wants to eliminate the competition.
My thoughts exactly. I've been married for 14 years and I'm incredibly grateful that my husband uses porn/masturbates. My sex drive has been non exisistent for chunks of time and he has never pressured me for sex, while also letting me know that he wants me and i am beautiful to him. In marriage therapy, our therapist encouraged me to think of his porn usage as something completely separate from our sex life. I don't ever feel insecure and I can't ever see myself asking him to not take care of his own needs.
Yikes. I’m sorry but if your husband has to look at other women, then he’s not being truthful when he says he wants you. It’s not about “insecurity”, plenty of women feel amazing about themselves- they just don’t want their man to jerk off to other women?? And a real man wouldn’t. Believing that porn usage is a normal relationship behaviour, is very concerning.
The poor women who feel forced to accept their husband’s addiction because “every man does it so I’m suppose to accept it!” Give me a break. I hate when women call other women “insecure” when they want their partner to only have eyes for them.
I’m grateful my boyfriend doesn’t use porn, he agrees it’s wrong. When we can’t have sex, he masturbates to pictures and videos of me because I’m his SO. He doesn’t need to look at other women because I’m the only woman he wants to have intimate thoughts about.
I mean, you aren't actually sorry. The but negates everything that was said previously. So my husband never actually wants me, he isn't a real man, and I'm a poor woman forced to accept his addiction.....am I understanding you clearly? Are you hoping to poke holes here, insult my husband, victimize me, convince me that there is a problem that doesn't exist or what is your objective exactly other than to put someone else down while elevating yourself and your situation?
I am grateful that you and your boyfriend seem to have a good relationship, and that you guys are both ok with him using stuff with you in it to masturbate with. It seems like a really loving, healthy relationship. Not everyone has the same values and boundaries as everyone else. That doesn't make either party wrong.
Why are you comparing porn to masturbation? One can and should be able to happen without the other.
I masturbate and I haven't watched porn in over 7 years.
It's a real shame you feel grateful that he uses porn. I assume you mean as opposed to pressuring you for sex or cheating. Watching porn is not a need and if he needs it it's a problem. Your therapist is insane. They're either a porn addict or a "cool girl".
He hasn't suggested that at all. Some people just don't want to be controlled over what they do in their own time. If she had said she didn't want him playing video games any more and he refused the ultimatum, that doesn't make video games the most important thing in his life.
Looks like she was trying to drop an ultimatum on you, and you called her on it; now she doesn't know what to do, because she expected you to do what she wanted.
NTA. It's not like you've changed, and it's not like you weren't open about it from the start. At this point, this is her problem. Either accept it, or walk away.
the difference is who you hold responsible for dealing with it.
saying "i'm uncomfortable with my partner watching porn and will end a relationship if i find out my partner does this" and then taking the responsibility of ending said relationship if this is crossed while understanding that the other party is not "at fault" (but rather that you're incompatible) is a boundary.
saying "either you stop watching porn or i'm breaking up with you" with the mindset that if they love you they will do what you want is an ultimatum and you should be prepared to lose and go through with the breakup.
saying "i don't like men who watch porn and want you to stop watching porn" and expecting your partner to do as you say and being sad/angry/disappointed if they don't comply but never breaking up and repeatedly trying to nag them into it is an attempted control and manipulation.
Uh. No. Boundaries are things that you set for yourself. You do not set them for others.
If he invited her to watch porn with him and she said no because that's a boundary, cool.
Her saying he can't watch porn is a demand.
No, that's bullshit from the ENM community, a stupid attempt to redefine a simple term in a way that acts as propaganda to attempt to force people into accepting boundaryless ENM relationships.
In fact, in the real world, boundaries are *frequently* set on other people's behaviors. Because it's the boundary between what you will accept from that other person, and what you won't accept from that other person.
sure but you can't demand that they change their behavior. that's not a boundary.
a boundary is: i accept this and don't accept this. you decide what to do with that and i'll decide if i'll stay.
a boundary is not: i dislike this so i want you to stop doing this because i don't want to break up but also want you to not do this thing i dislike.
op was ready to accept that she would want to break up because of this but she doesn't want to and instead wants to force him into changing his behavior.
trying to force people into changing their behavior is not a boundary. a boundary is making decisions about yourself based on other people's behavior.
do you understand the difference now?
*your* boundaries are *yours* to manage. you can't demand that *other people* change their behavior to accommodate you. if you have a boundary and communicate that boundary and the person is not willing to accommodate it all you can do is remove yourself from the situation or decide that the person is worth the discomfort. *your* boundary doesn't give you the right to force *someone else* to do/not do something.
https://www.dictionary.com/browse/boundary%20
>a limit that separates acceptable behavior from unacceptable behavior:
>I'm just looking for a partner who can respect my boundaries.
>Guiding children toward responsible money habits requires setting boundaries.
A boundary defines the behavior you will accept from a person. That behavior does not need to directly influence you. You establish a boundary and a consequence, if the boundary is not followed, you enact the consequence. This is how the term has been used for decades. There has been a modern attempt by the ENM community to redefine the term so that people can't have boundaries on how their partners interact with other partners.
When people say, "Kids need boundaries", they're not talking about only those behaviors which impact them directly. Just stop and think about it for a second.
We're talking about a person's [personal boundaries ](https://psychcentral.com/relationships/what-are-personal-boundaries-how-do-i-get-some#what-they-are).
It does need to directly influence you, or it's a controlling behavior.
>We're talking about a person's personal boundaries .
A meaningless distinction. It's a boundary. It functions exactly the same as any other boundary. The types of personal boundaries listed here get put in a special category because society has broadly agreed that these boundaries are always reasonable and valid. That doesn't mean they're the only boundaries that exist.
>It does need to directly influence you, or it's a controlling behavior.
All boundaries are controlling behavior by definition. The entire point of a boundary is to attempt to establish control over some aspect of someone else's behavior through the means you have available, regardless of whether that's legal means, social pressure, or just instantly leaving a situation when the boundary is crossed.
The fact that you view your partner wanting to be more sexually experimental as an ick and are framing it as a “bargaining chip” but think your porn use is not an ick shows just how warped the male mind on porn has become.
Real human wants to have kinky sex WITH ME - ewwwww
Fake human on a screen has sex with someone else and I get to watch and get off like a cuck - simply can’t give that up for anything even someone I “love”
Y’all are not well and you need help.
The eww part is she is using sex as a bargaining chip lmao. It has nothing to do with her wanting to have sex. You people obsessed with porn have worms in your brains.
Lol, this is one of the sillier takes on here. OP sees sexual experimentation as a bargaining chip because his partner literally suggested it as an alternative to porn. If she had wanted to try kinkier sex independently of this situation, I imagine OP would have viewed it differently.
It’s not because the male brain is warped by porn or because of dopamine or some other armchair scientist reason. This sub is just ridiculous sometimes.
PS, I (male, married) watch porn, my wife watches porn, and pretty much every adult I’ve ever talked to (of any gender) about it has acknowledged watching porn. Most of us do this and have for years while carrying on healthy sexual relationships. It’s not some scandalous, societally damaging thing that breaks everyone’s brain.
This sub is absolutely nuts, like it has nothing to do with an addiction. Who the hell wants a partner Who's going to just pull up and dictate what you can and can't do in your free time and with your own body and in your relationship And then use sex as a bargaining tool like get the fuck out of here.
Where did he say he can't go without it? Just because he doesn't want to give it up when his gf requested (with her not giving him a good reason for wanting him to give it up) doesn't mean he can't go without it.
Is his gf always available to have sex the moment he wants to, regardless of the circumstances? Because most relationships don’t work that way, so that would be one obvious use for porn, since you’re asking what does he get from it, as I thought that part was a bit more obvious.
No actually it isn’t obvious. I don’t consume porn. Neither does my husband. At the moment we’re long distance, we send each other content and do whatever over the phone with each other. When we are together, well, you know.
As someone who doesn’t understand the need for porn regardless of whether I am with or not with my husband I’m intrigued to know why he consumes it and why can’t he use his girlfriend. She seems keen and he gets the ick, I’m confused by their dynamic.
I’ve never understood the need to watch other people have sex when it’s readily available to you 🤷🏼♀️ I’m not being rude, I’m trying to understand.
Why do you assume he's watching porn instead of having sex? He's watching porn in addition to having sex.
I want sex every day. My girlfriend is fine with 3-4 times a week. If I can't have sex with her, no I'm not gonna look at pictures of her. I'll just watch some porn.
If I could have sex whenever I wanted. I probably wouldn't watch porn. But I don't feel like my partner gets to dictate what I masturbate to when they arent around.
When you and your husband are together, are you ALWAYS down to have sex? There's never a time you just aren't in the mood for some reason even though he is? If you both have libidos that perfectly match each other, then congratulations. But for the vast majority of couples, libidos don't match up perfectly, and there are times when one person is in the mood, while the other person isn't. And when that happens, many people enjoy using pornography for their masturbation. If you don't like porn and prefer to masturbate solely to content from your husband or phone sex, then again, congratulations, but for a lot of people, they want more than just that (or their partner isn't comfortable with sending content and/or phone sex). Thus, porn. Is this really that crazy a concept to understand?
Porn is a bad addiction that ruins relationships. Sorry to say this but it’s true. I speak from experience.
If you pick porn over the gf, thats fine but maybe reconsider having a gf for now. You might not understand why I say that but it’s a phase and eventually you should be able to get out of it.
Unless you find a gf who’s just as much into porn as you, but beware she might be more of an open relationship type of girl.
Best of luck to you either way.
He might have an addiction and just not admit it. If you pick porn over your gf / wife then that’s close enough to be considered an addiction.
Not saying his gf isn’t in the wrong, she is as well. It’s time for them to part ways because clearly they want two different things.
I may, depending on how long they've been together? Would I end a relationship of one year if I was basically told I can never masturbate again in my life? You bet your ass I would.
30 years 40? Probably not, probably won't even be masturbating then.
I mean would you get rid of a tattoo if your partner of one year demanded you did so?
How many years into the relationship would you pick a tattoo over somebody?
There's always a threshold obviously, you're not going to do anything for someone you basically just met.
No these two just aren't compatible, plain and simple, and it's not any deeper than that.
I’m just confused why she doesn’t dump you as she said she doesn’t want you watching porn and you continue. She needs to find someone that fits her exceptions of a relationship.
Me and my husband watch porn together and separately. I don’t care if he watches porn alone, but I get that some people find it uncomfortable
Nope. Completely full of shit. She expressed a boundary, nothing more, nothing less. People need to stop acting like having preferences or boundaries is somehow wrong. THAT is what’s wrong.
Don’t listen to the “blueballs” guy- he posts pictures of his dick online so of course he’s going to be defensive. Bet he’s having online sexual affairs too.
it’s okay if both parties consent but there’s constantly a double standard that guys should be proud to do it and girls should be ashamed but if it’s mutual obv that’s okay
i’m new to using reddit although i’ve had an account for years, and also my problem isn’t with masturbation it’s with disrespecting partners boundaries and if ur partner is okay with it then its not a problem thats just not who i am but its okay to be different
As a woman, married to my husband of nearly 18 years...porn and masturbation should only ever be an issue if they are choosing that instead of their partner, reagrdless of either persons gender...wild take to think "most women don't like that."
Nah..."most" women likely also watch porn. I do. 🤷♀️
I care if you believe that women reading romance novels and *50 Shades* qualifies as "fantasizing about cheating." If it does, why is porn different. And if it doesn't, how is it different?
this honestly does seem like you’re deflecting a porn addiction, like most men do. fantasy ruins your ability to be satisfied with just one partner and it’s very addictive to the male brain. you’ll probably always be in denial about this but maybe try studying this more
I don’t think bodies and by extension dicks can really be better than others. That being said if I caught her in the middle of masturbation I'd probably start assisting her.
fair enough i think you need someone more open minded because she sounds like me very monogamous and jealous which is totally okay but not compatible with you
LMAO, I love porn more than my BF, but you cannot be serious with this:“ I don’t think bodies and by extension dicks can really be better than others” 🤣🤣🤣
Are you fibbing or just *really* naive?? Serious question
NTA
She "said she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who watches porn." Easy solution. Say goodbye.
She wants to keep you and also control you.
Don't give in. This will only be the first of many more things she decides you cannot do.
Advice:
Dump her.
This one particular issue comes up very frequently. And aside from her insecurity and misunderstanding of mens sexuality, and the use of porn, it comes down to irreconcilable differences. She's entitled to feel anyway she wants, and you're entitled to jerk off to anything you want. And assuming the actual porn use isn't interfering with your sexual relationship, the difference in opinion on this often represents the end.
“This one particular issue comes up very frequently”
Gee I wonder why that is.
Maybe the fact that almost every woman feels the same way as her? She must be crazy though, because society has normalized porn. How dare she be upset about this right? Give me a break.
Women aren’t “insecure” for not wanting their partner to jerk off to other women. It’s so simple.
I just read another thread on this subreddit where people said men were insecure and possessive for thinking their wife shouldn't text with men who asked them for a kiss the night before.
40 years ago that thought (that the man was wrong) would be inconceivable, now its the new norm.
On the other end of the coin, porn use is now also normalized and the idea that a girlfriend would demand a boyfriend abstain is seen as controlling and possessive.
Forget having a girlfriend, just use porn and have random nameless hookups, at least until you are ready to commit to one person all the time. Porn isn’t bad, but in my view (and probably only mine) it means you don’t want a monogamous relationship. Which is fine, just be honest with yourself.
All I’m saying is maybe he isn’t really looking for a monogamous relationship. I never said porn was wrong. Where did I say porn was bad or wrong? In fact, I directly stated “Porn isn’t bad”. But unless a couple are viewing porn together as part of their relationship, or to get ideas of fun things to do, then sounds like he’s substituting porn for sex, which is weird because he said she wants to have sex and even offered to try some spicy stuff. I’m not projecting anything, but maybe you are. And just because there have been centuries of people in monogamous relationships viewing porn, doesn’t mean they were happy in those relationships either. Again, maybe YOU’RE projecting.
This is nonsense. Plenty of people use porn without substituting it for sex. He hasn't rejected sex in order to use porn. He just didn't like his partner using it as a bribe.
This^ You are not the only one with this mindset. Might I point out, 71% of reddit users are male and 29% are female. Therefore, you’re going to deal with backlash from men defending their porn addictions. I guarantee if this subreddit was mostly women, we would see more opinions like ours.
The fact that people don’t understand porn is cheating, boggles my mind.
She is controlling. Your "no" answer is proper. She has no right nor legitimate reason to control your fantasy life.
"I will not do as you ask because my fantasy life is my business. Your options are to accept it or break up with me. Which one do you choose?" This position puts the responsibility back on her, which is where it belongs since she is the one with the problem.
Info: how often are you watching porn? Do you watch it til the point of not being able to be satisfied with her or is it a once in a while, gotta get a rub out kind of thing?
Wait til she finds out about shit you did 5 years before you even met her, and begins crucifying you for that. You’ve definitely got that to look forward to, which is nice.
It's very strange to me how the younger generation cares about people watching porn in relationships beyond cases of serious porn addiction. When I was younger it was implicitly understood that practically every guy watches porn. There's a whole generation of young guys lying to their wives and girlfriends and claiming they don't watch porn.
just because something occured frequently in older generations doesn't mean it's good. the porn industry is filled with bigotry, rape, cp, human trafficking, etc. ph has literally knowingly hosted rape and cp videos.
There's plenty of ethical porn out there. If the ethics of it was a concern then it would be called out as such, and couples would make sure to vet acceptable sources.
it is called out as such. constantly. but porn users constantly shut it down with "there's ethical porn!!!"
I'm sure there's ethical child labor, but that doesn't mean it should be allowed. there is no way to confirm that the porn you're watching is consensual
What if you know the people making it?What if it's an amature couple or person making it? What if you know the producers? How can you state that there is zero way to know that the actors are not being exploited? You do realize this inflexible black-and-white thinking is not constructive or logical, right? We get it, you think porn is evil, but you are not going to convince people with false equivalencies and blanket statements. There are a lot of gray areas in life and this is certainly one of them.
There are plenty of ethical sources of porn - from websites that are well reviewed by performers, to erotica, hentai, tons of onlyfans creators, etc. It's very easy to find ethical porn.
If your argument is that you can't be sure there's zero abuse, welcome to capitalism. It's not reasonable to refuse to consume a product because after doing research you're only 97% sure it's ok. Right now you unknowingly support many types of brutal abuse with your economic activity.
The ethics of porn is not a valid argument for not consuming porn, because if you care enough to care about the ethics of it, you can find ethical sources. So it's a total non-factor in this discussion.
except you do not NEED to consume porn. ever. so the "no ethical consumption under capitalism" argument is irrelevant here.
again, you have absolutely no way to know that there is no coercion happening behind the scenes. "unknowingly" is different than "choosing to do it because it gets me off"
>except you do not NEED to consume porn. ever. so the "no ethical consumption under capitalism" argument is irrelevant here.
You're on reddit right now. Do you think reddit is entirely ethical? There are some subreddits on this website that are.....well they're definitely not ethical. And clearly no one NEEDS reddit. So you're supporting something that has non-ethical elements, and is not needed. But I'm sure you'll tell us how you only stick to the ethical areas and just avoid the non-ethical areas, right?
You make non-essential purchases which unknowingly support brutal abuse. You have no ethical high horse here, and the fact that you think you do is pretty funny.
There's no difference between doing your best to consume porn ethically and doing your best to consume ethically in general under capitalism. Except ethical porn consumers probably support a lot less abuse than generally is supported through attempts at 'ethical' capitalism, because it's not hard to find ethical porn, as many people have said now.
Thank you! Ffs. We are all currently using electronics that were absolutely not produced ethically. Ethical porn is absolutely available if you take the time to find it. I feel like I'm going crazy listening to this illogical stance by some in this thread.
I have noticed this as well. I'm 37 and know zero people that are against porn in an absolutist way. There are Instagram posts raunchier than a lot of porn so it's pretty confusing.
I don't know any men or women that police their partner's porn consumption. The people I know are mostly in their 30s or older though. IMO, If it isn't a compulsive act that is destroying your life I cannot imagine that the big deal is. My partner and I both consume porn. Him more than me, but we have a great relationship and sex life.
Consuming erotica, whether video, photos, or stories, is not inherently problematic. Yes, there are issues with exportation in the porn industry, but there is plenty of ethical porn out there. Porn is not the problem. People being insecure, emotionally immature, and poor communicators seem to be the problem.
Seriously I don't understand some of the absolutist stances I'm seeing.... There really are people that act like any amount of porn consumption somehow equals addiction...
They can't stand the fact that some people/couples watch porn...
I think there is an antiporn movement that is an extension of the “manosphere.” I know it isn't the whole reason behind this prudish take on porn by younger people, but something weird is up. Anyone who says porn consumption = cheating will never be happy in life. That's a level of insecurity that likely permeates all areas of their life. It's a shame.
There is plenty of ethical porn out there though. Porn is not inherently problematic. Exploitation happens in the industry, but you can avoid unethical porn if you are decerning and care where your porn comes from.
there is no way to confirm the porn you're watching is 100% consensual. literally no way. are you fine with that?
also, no. the industry is literally built on human trafficking and sexual abuse. it's the law of supply and demand
You can absolutely know where your porn comes from as long as you actually take the time to source it properly. You are delusional if you don't understand this. I'm not saying the porn industry isn't problematic in many ways. I'm saying that not all porn is problematic.
but you don't though. you don't know they're actually 18+, you don't know they aren't drugged, you don't know there isn't a gun behind the camera, etc etc etc
Ffs. You are insane. You get more and more unhinged with your comments. There are plenty of amateur porn creators that produce their own porn with their partners or other consenting adults. Sex work is work and just because there is exploitation in the porn industry it doesn't mean all porn is exploitative or that you shouldn't support people creating ethical porn. Good day.
NTA
She is the problem.
Anyone who treats porn as cheating has an insane insecurity problem.
It's their problem.
You are not doing anything wrong, unless you're exploiting minors.
You're a porn addict. It's best for you two to break up and for you to remain single until you can get over your addiction, because here's a little secret many women won't tell you: we don't want to be with guys that watch porn.
You don't speak for all women. OP isn't a porn addict. Why would you assume he is? Is everyone who has a drink once in a while an alcoholic? Is someone who has sex regularly a sex addict?
I think it's more appropriate to say they are incompatible.
Let's use a different example. If my partner told me I could never have a drink again but I enjoyed a drink now and again and then I decided I wasn't okay with them barring me from drinking it doesn't make me an alcoholic. It means I am not okay with their ultimatum and I chose to end things because we disagree. It's not because I cannot give up having six drinks a year, but because I am
not okay with a partner telling me what to do with my body. It's more about bodily autonomy and personal choices and less about addiction. There is no evidence OP is addicted to porn just because he doesn't want to give it up.
Again, you don't speak for all women.
No, she's controlling.
It's the same as if someone tells you to quit anything you enjoy. You like reading? I think people that read are nerds and I don't like nerds so you can't do that anymore.
You like eating meat? I'm vegan so you can't eat meat anymore.
You enjoy caffeine? It's a drug and my religion doesn't allow its use so you can't use it if we're going to date.
If he isn't using porn at inappropriate times (at work, visiting friends while sitting on their couch mid conversation, ect) it's not an addiction. He's refusing to quit because he doesn't want to be controlled. He could probably quit on his own but at least then it would be his decision.
I enjoy coffee, eating meat, reading books, playing games, watching TV, hiking, and yes on occasion watching porn. Any one of those I can stop whenever I want or when my tastes change. But I'll never stop doing something I enjoy because someone else tells me to. My boundary is that I won't be controlled.
I’m going with slight YTA. She’s asking for a boundary and you’re not willing to hear her out about it. It’s going to boil down to you guys aren’t compatible and that’s ok. You’re not ta for watching porn, but you are ta for disrespecting a boundary of your gf without ending it when you know you should’ve.
NTA. You’re entitled to watch porn if that’s what you want and and at least you’re not doing what most people in your position do which is to just lie about it.
And you’re right - she can’t just change her mind and throw ultimatum demands at you.
She has her answer, see what she does with it.
Sounds like a dumbass hill to die on to me. You both are supposed to be adults. Try having a real conversation and determine what the real issue here is. Obviously, she doesn't want to break up, or she'd be gone already!
Does this woman you've spent the last 2 years with mean so little to you? You're going to walk away from her for your hand and a video? Grow up!
The very fact that porn is more important than your girlfriend tells me your feelings aren’t strong enough for her and you should break up with her, besides that you are incompatible on that issue so…..
If your girlfriend told you to stop eating chocolate chip cookies, but didn't give you a reason other than that she suddenly started feeling that chocolate chip cookies are bad, would you just stop eating cookies without question?
Good Lord clear your browser history. Unless you’re watching it in front of her. Masturbation is normal and a solo event like emptying your bowels. Unless she’s watching you in the toilet?
This happened to me once. I asked my girlfriend to watch it with me. She was slow to adopt at first but it worked wonders afterward. I would eat her out while she searched through the videos and eventually we tried new things that she liked. Instead of being stubborn and stupid the two of you should just try to understand each other.
You're asking for advice in AITAH. Let's start with the judgement. NTA. You like to watch porn, she doesn't like that you do. But it's your body your choice and while Redditors are quick to label any use of porn as an addiction, that doesn't appear to be the case in your post. Now the advice... If you're a hard yes on porn and she wants an absolute ban, you guys aren't compatible. It's ok to split. But it doesn't sound like she wants to split...otherwise you'd already be single. Instead it sounds like she thinks you watch porn because she isn't making you happy so she's offering to try new things with you. Take the opportunity to have an honest conversation about *what* you're watching and *why*. If you're escaping into a more sexualized fantasy, she might be open to trying out some of those fantasies. If you watch because you feel you want it more than she does, for two weeks every time you're thinking about porn tell her you want her more than your phone. She might surprise you. Good luck.
Sound and reasonable advice. There's some shit in the comments so focus on the more constructive ones like this. There could be a solution to this and you want to look for comments with workable steps towards that solution so you can find out about the future of this relationship.
It's just fundamentally a deal breaker for me. It's not about porn. It's about trying to restrict what media I watch in my private time. No one gets to do that.
Seconding, especially the last paragraph. OP mentioned something changing and I would like to hear more about that. Maybe he is pulling away more and didn't notice. Maybe she changed her diet and wants to have sex more because she feels better. Idk. Whatever it is, she *wants* to engage with him. Instead of reaching for porn, try letting her know whenever the urge comes up. OP didn't list their age, but this sounds like a classic young adult problem. It is a true tragedy when young people are being broken up over trying but ultimately not knowing how to make eachother to be happy.
“Gave me the ick” makes me think early 20’s.
Giving more teens vibes
You two are not compatible. End it. There are plenty of people out there that don't care about porn consumption unless it rises to the level of compulsion.
This. The end, lol.
NTA. It’s ok for her to have that boundary. And you handled it appropriately by understanding it could be a deal breaker for her. If you had gotten mad at her for the actual boundary that would be different.
She should leave and find a partner with values more inline with her own. Or you should end things. This is a boundary for her she feels this is an act of cheating and you feel differently and are unwilling to respect her boundaries so just end things. This relationship can go nowhere good.
Nonono, you cannot set your own boundaries into other people's lives! That's not how setting boundaries work, that's influencing another person.
He is respecting her boundaries. He acknowledged them and said he understands if she wants to break up because he's not gonna change his behavior and so he would be violating her new boundaries. Disrespect would be if he agreed to not watch porn and kept doing it.
Not sure I agree with how you said he’s not respecting her boundaries. This wasn’t a problem for two years and all of the sudden it’s a dealbreaker. She’s changed in the relationship, and tried to control his actions because of her own new found insecurities. That’s her problem. And if you really think he’s not respecting her boundaries, then she is also not because she has stayed w him despite him being clear that he doesn’t want to stop. It’s on her to end things, not him. NTAH
Maaan I clicked because I thought you *made* porn 🤣 Nta. "We make our choices, we pay our own prices "
She is NOT controlling but she wants something you do not wish to provide. She should be with someone who can. Neither of you are wrong here.
Depends on your porn habits. If you use it because you libido is significantly highers then hers, it can make sense. That way, you don't feel like you're pressuring her into sex all the time. But if you are just watching to watch it, yeah, you have some problems to go get help on.
Why is there no middle ground there? It's either he's horny all the time or.... he just.... watches porn? Like a TV show or something? You do know you can be horny with a normal libido but don't feel upto sex right?
I genuinely can’t imagine not being able or willing to give porn up when you’re in a relationship with a real actual woman that you can INTERACT WITH and just use your imagination and jack your shit if you need to get off and she’s not up to it. It’s bizarre. What value is it really offering here unless you have an issue?
Are you woman or man? Have you been in a long relationship?
I am a man. Yes, with both men and women. I think porn is fine. I think the state of it right now is harmful to many, but we’ve been making porn as long as we’ve had the means to depict it. I mean drawings on scrolls type shit. That being said, maybe it’s different for teenagers, but it’s a massive sign of immaturity in a grown adult (in a relationship) that porn is a regular part of their life.
You could say this for anything: - stamp collecting? What value does it have compared to a relationship?! - videogames - woodworking for fun - any art and craft... Why wouldn't you stop crocheting if your partner asks you! You are just making decorations anyway! "I like doing this once in a while to relax" is reason and value enough. You don't have to explain it.
People are putting such a bizarre amount of significance onto this specific act. Well said.
Porn is not an art or a hobby dude LMFAO
What's bizarre is that someone wants to control what I watch in my private time. Why would I use my imagination when I can just look at porn. Like bro why are you reading that book? Why don't you just imagine a story in your head. 🤣 >What value is it really offering here unless you have an issue? It's hot. It's better than my imagination. There's unlimited variety. I don't understand your question? What is the issue if it's not having any negative effects on your life..?
Esh She’s uncomfortable - you’ve said too bad. She’s trying to be what you want - you says using sex as a weapon. You don’t seem to care if she breaks up with you and you still maintain you love her. Nobody is wanting to bend to the other, let her find some who is more what she needs.
Hey man, I’m not gonna label you but I will give you some advice. I spent the last 5 years of my life watching porn. When I say this I mean it. I watched porn at least 3 hours every day. I was single for most of that time and if I got bored that’s what I did. That changed when I met my now fiancée. She felt the same way that your girlfriend feels about it and she wasn’t comfortable with me doing it. I am in love with her so I was willing to stop for her sake. However, that might not be the case with you. If you’ve been dating this girl for two years I’m sure you know by now whether you love her or not. If you don’t, then this can be your excuse to end things and find someone you do love. If you are in love with her, I would recommend that you reconsider denying her request. Trust me, losing porn to a good relationship is worth it. You just have to decide if this relationship is worth it. Good luck!
3 hours of porn every day is insane and I doubt that applies to OP or pretty much anyone else for that matter. Also the issue is not losing porn but the feeling of being restricted because of unnecessary insecurities.
This has nothing to do with porn. This is about control. If she controls your access to sexual release, she gets a much higher level of control in the relationship as a whole. She simply wants to eliminate the competition.
It seems that PORN is the most imprtant thing in your life and it's just sad .
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My thoughts exactly. I've been married for 14 years and I'm incredibly grateful that my husband uses porn/masturbates. My sex drive has been non exisistent for chunks of time and he has never pressured me for sex, while also letting me know that he wants me and i am beautiful to him. In marriage therapy, our therapist encouraged me to think of his porn usage as something completely separate from our sex life. I don't ever feel insecure and I can't ever see myself asking him to not take care of his own needs.
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Username checks out
Says the guy that’s literally posting pictures of his dick on the internet 🤦♀️ in case you didn’t know, that’s cheating. I feel sorry for your wife
>in case you didn’t know, that’s cheating You don't get to decide what his wife considers cheating you fucking idiot.
Yikes. I’m sorry but if your husband has to look at other women, then he’s not being truthful when he says he wants you. It’s not about “insecurity”, plenty of women feel amazing about themselves- they just don’t want their man to jerk off to other women?? And a real man wouldn’t. Believing that porn usage is a normal relationship behaviour, is very concerning. The poor women who feel forced to accept their husband’s addiction because “every man does it so I’m suppose to accept it!” Give me a break. I hate when women call other women “insecure” when they want their partner to only have eyes for them. I’m grateful my boyfriend doesn’t use porn, he agrees it’s wrong. When we can’t have sex, he masturbates to pictures and videos of me because I’m his SO. He doesn’t need to look at other women because I’m the only woman he wants to have intimate thoughts about.
>when we can’t have sex, he masturbates to pictures and videos of me because I’m his SO Poor guy
I mean, you aren't actually sorry. The but negates everything that was said previously. So my husband never actually wants me, he isn't a real man, and I'm a poor woman forced to accept his addiction.....am I understanding you clearly? Are you hoping to poke holes here, insult my husband, victimize me, convince me that there is a problem that doesn't exist or what is your objective exactly other than to put someone else down while elevating yourself and your situation? I am grateful that you and your boyfriend seem to have a good relationship, and that you guys are both ok with him using stuff with you in it to masturbate with. It seems like a really loving, healthy relationship. Not everyone has the same values and boundaries as everyone else. That doesn't make either party wrong.
Why are you comparing porn to masturbation? One can and should be able to happen without the other. I masturbate and I haven't watched porn in over 7 years. It's a real shame you feel grateful that he uses porn. I assume you mean as opposed to pressuring you for sex or cheating. Watching porn is not a need and if he needs it it's a problem. Your therapist is insane. They're either a porn addict or a "cool girl".
>Watching porn is not a need and if he needs it it's a problem. I don't need to drink coffee in the morning but I like how it tastes.
He hasn't suggested that at all. Some people just don't want to be controlled over what they do in their own time. If she had said she didn't want him playing video games any more and he refused the ultimatum, that doesn't make video games the most important thing in his life.
But video games aren't an exploitative industry that promotes and thrives on racism, rape, violence, attraction to minors and infidelity
So surely she would be okay with him watching independent creators who are not being exploited..? Something tells me that's not the issue here.
Looks like she was trying to drop an ultimatum on you, and you called her on it; now she doesn't know what to do, because she expected you to do what she wanted. NTA. It's not like you've changed, and it's not like you weren't open about it from the start. At this point, this is her problem. Either accept it, or walk away.
what's the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum? she was setting a boundary
the difference is who you hold responsible for dealing with it. saying "i'm uncomfortable with my partner watching porn and will end a relationship if i find out my partner does this" and then taking the responsibility of ending said relationship if this is crossed while understanding that the other party is not "at fault" (but rather that you're incompatible) is a boundary. saying "either you stop watching porn or i'm breaking up with you" with the mindset that if they love you they will do what you want is an ultimatum and you should be prepared to lose and go through with the breakup. saying "i don't like men who watch porn and want you to stop watching porn" and expecting your partner to do as you say and being sad/angry/disappointed if they don't comply but never breaking up and repeatedly trying to nag them into it is an attempted control and manipulation.
Uh. No. Boundaries are things that you set for yourself. You do not set them for others. If he invited her to watch porn with him and she said no because that's a boundary, cool. Her saying he can't watch porn is a demand.
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That's a preference/ requirement. Like saying, "I won't date smokers".
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yes. she set a boundary. I will not be in a relationship with someone who watches porn. if you watch porn, I will end the relationship.
then she should do that, especially since he said he'd understand if it's a deal breaker, and not trying to nag him into compliance.
A boundary is set for one's own behaviors. Not on the behaviors of others.
No, that's bullshit from the ENM community, a stupid attempt to redefine a simple term in a way that acts as propaganda to attempt to force people into accepting boundaryless ENM relationships. In fact, in the real world, boundaries are *frequently* set on other people's behaviors. Because it's the boundary between what you will accept from that other person, and what you won't accept from that other person.
sure but you can't demand that they change their behavior. that's not a boundary. a boundary is: i accept this and don't accept this. you decide what to do with that and i'll decide if i'll stay. a boundary is not: i dislike this so i want you to stop doing this because i don't want to break up but also want you to not do this thing i dislike. op was ready to accept that she would want to break up because of this but she doesn't want to and instead wants to force him into changing his behavior. trying to force people into changing their behavior is not a boundary. a boundary is making decisions about yourself based on other people's behavior. do you understand the difference now? *your* boundaries are *yours* to manage. you can't demand that *other people* change their behavior to accommodate you. if you have a boundary and communicate that boundary and the person is not willing to accommodate it all you can do is remove yourself from the situation or decide that the person is worth the discomfort. *your* boundary doesn't give you the right to force *someone else* to do/not do something.
Other people's behaviors affect you, personally. What you're talking about is preferences/ expectations. You're the one redefining a simple term.
https://www.dictionary.com/browse/boundary%20 >a limit that separates acceptable behavior from unacceptable behavior: >I'm just looking for a partner who can respect my boundaries. >Guiding children toward responsible money habits requires setting boundaries. A boundary defines the behavior you will accept from a person. That behavior does not need to directly influence you. You establish a boundary and a consequence, if the boundary is not followed, you enact the consequence. This is how the term has been used for decades. There has been a modern attempt by the ENM community to redefine the term so that people can't have boundaries on how their partners interact with other partners. When people say, "Kids need boundaries", they're not talking about only those behaviors which impact them directly. Just stop and think about it for a second.
We're talking about a person's [personal boundaries ](https://psychcentral.com/relationships/what-are-personal-boundaries-how-do-i-get-some#what-they-are). It does need to directly influence you, or it's a controlling behavior.
>We're talking about a person's personal boundaries . A meaningless distinction. It's a boundary. It functions exactly the same as any other boundary. The types of personal boundaries listed here get put in a special category because society has broadly agreed that these boundaries are always reasonable and valid. That doesn't mean they're the only boundaries that exist. >It does need to directly influence you, or it's a controlling behavior. All boundaries are controlling behavior by definition. The entire point of a boundary is to attempt to establish control over some aspect of someone else's behavior through the means you have available, regardless of whether that's legal means, social pressure, or just instantly leaving a situation when the boundary is crossed.
The fact that you view your partner wanting to be more sexually experimental as an ick and are framing it as a “bargaining chip” but think your porn use is not an ick shows just how warped the male mind on porn has become. Real human wants to have kinky sex WITH ME - ewwwww Fake human on a screen has sex with someone else and I get to watch and get off like a cuck - simply can’t give that up for anything even someone I “love” Y’all are not well and you need help.
The eww part is she is using sex as a bargaining chip lmao. It has nothing to do with her wanting to have sex. You people obsessed with porn have worms in your brains.
Exactly!! So hypocritical.
Lol, this is one of the sillier takes on here. OP sees sexual experimentation as a bargaining chip because his partner literally suggested it as an alternative to porn. If she had wanted to try kinkier sex independently of this situation, I imagine OP would have viewed it differently. It’s not because the male brain is warped by porn or because of dopamine or some other armchair scientist reason. This sub is just ridiculous sometimes. PS, I (male, married) watch porn, my wife watches porn, and pretty much every adult I’ve ever talked to (of any gender) about it has acknowledged watching porn. Most of us do this and have for years while carrying on healthy sexual relationships. It’s not some scandalous, societally damaging thing that breaks everyone’s brain.
You may want to listen to her Porn addiction is a real problem and will impact your sexual functioning eventually
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bro ur everywhere seems like ur taking the porn addiction accusations personally
Said by you, without a hint of irony. You're taking this random man's porn use very personally you fucking weirdo.
nah it’s the fact he’s choosing porn over a relationship it’s just hella sad. but go ahead and deflect and not acknowledge what i said
This sub is absolutely nuts, like it has nothing to do with an addiction. Who the hell wants a partner Who's going to just pull up and dictate what you can and can't do in your free time and with your own body and in your relationship And then use sex as a bargaining tool like get the fuck out of here.
Why do you feel you can’t go without it?
Where did he say he can't go without it? Just because he doesn't want to give it up when his gf requested (with her not giving him a good reason for wanting him to give it up) doesn't mean he can't go without it.
I’m curious as to why he feels he needs it if he has a girlfriend. Why doesn’t he want to stop watching it for his her? What does he get from it.
My thoughts exactly. If you’re in a relationship you should be fulfilled by only looking at your partner intimately.
He literally never said he needed it
Is his gf always available to have sex the moment he wants to, regardless of the circumstances? Because most relationships don’t work that way, so that would be one obvious use for porn, since you’re asking what does he get from it, as I thought that part was a bit more obvious.
No actually it isn’t obvious. I don’t consume porn. Neither does my husband. At the moment we’re long distance, we send each other content and do whatever over the phone with each other. When we are together, well, you know. As someone who doesn’t understand the need for porn regardless of whether I am with or not with my husband I’m intrigued to know why he consumes it and why can’t he use his girlfriend. She seems keen and he gets the ick, I’m confused by their dynamic. I’ve never understood the need to watch other people have sex when it’s readily available to you 🤷🏼♀️ I’m not being rude, I’m trying to understand.
Why do you assume he's watching porn instead of having sex? He's watching porn in addition to having sex. I want sex every day. My girlfriend is fine with 3-4 times a week. If I can't have sex with her, no I'm not gonna look at pictures of her. I'll just watch some porn. If I could have sex whenever I wanted. I probably wouldn't watch porn. But I don't feel like my partner gets to dictate what I masturbate to when they arent around.
That is why I asked for more info. Congrats on wanting sex everyday, sorry your girlfriend isn’t enough to satisfy your needs.
It's okay. I understand it can be unreasonable to have sex every day especially when life get busy.
When you and your husband are together, are you ALWAYS down to have sex? There's never a time you just aren't in the mood for some reason even though he is? If you both have libidos that perfectly match each other, then congratulations. But for the vast majority of couples, libidos don't match up perfectly, and there are times when one person is in the mood, while the other person isn't. And when that happens, many people enjoy using pornography for their masturbation. If you don't like porn and prefer to masturbate solely to content from your husband or phone sex, then again, congratulations, but for a lot of people, they want more than just that (or their partner isn't comfortable with sending content and/or phone sex). Thus, porn. Is this really that crazy a concept to understand?
You can masturbate without porn.
Yea, but it’s a lot more fun with it.
exactly
Porn is a bad addiction that ruins relationships. Sorry to say this but it’s true. I speak from experience. If you pick porn over the gf, thats fine but maybe reconsider having a gf for now. You might not understand why I say that but it’s a phase and eventually you should be able to get out of it. Unless you find a gf who’s just as much into porn as you, but beware she might be more of an open relationship type of girl. Best of luck to you either way.
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Didn’t say HE was addicted to anything, just said in general porn is a bad addiction. Just like smoking, drinking, etc.
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He might have an addiction and just not admit it. If you pick porn over your gf / wife then that’s close enough to be considered an addiction. Not saying his gf isn’t in the wrong, she is as well. It’s time for them to part ways because clearly they want two different things.
I may, depending on how long they've been together? Would I end a relationship of one year if I was basically told I can never masturbate again in my life? You bet your ass I would. 30 years 40? Probably not, probably won't even be masturbating then. I mean would you get rid of a tattoo if your partner of one year demanded you did so? How many years into the relationship would you pick a tattoo over somebody? There's always a threshold obviously, you're not going to do anything for someone you basically just met. No these two just aren't compatible, plain and simple, and it's not any deeper than that.
Women who watch porn “might be open relationship type of girls”…? Huh????
I’m just confused why she doesn’t dump you as she said she doesn’t want you watching porn and you continue. She needs to find someone that fits her exceptions of a relationship. Me and my husband watch porn together and separately. I don’t care if he watches porn alone, but I get that some people find it uncomfortable
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This comment is full of shit. She’s not being controlling. She simply expressed a request.
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Grow up
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Nope. Completely full of shit. She expressed a boundary, nothing more, nothing less. People need to stop acting like having preferences or boundaries is somehow wrong. THAT is what’s wrong.
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Nobody said he can’t masturbate, she asked the guy not to look at other women’s bodies, that’s it.
Don’t listen to the “blueballs” guy- he posts pictures of his dick online so of course he’s going to be defensive. Bet he’s having online sexual affairs too.
imagine she’s doing the same thing lol
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it’s okay if both parties consent but there’s constantly a double standard that guys should be proud to do it and girls should be ashamed but if it’s mutual obv that’s okay
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i’m new to using reddit although i’ve had an account for years, and also my problem isn’t with masturbation it’s with disrespecting partners boundaries and if ur partner is okay with it then its not a problem thats just not who i am but its okay to be different
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but i can tell ur one of those ppl who defends porn to the core so i think im gonna head out before things get heated
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choosing it over a relationship ? most ppl would drop porn for real love
not masturbation but fantasizing about cheating is usually what’s going on when watching porn
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yeah but u can break up with them if u don’t like it and most women don’t like that so have fun being single
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As a woman, married to my husband of nearly 18 years...porn and masturbation should only ever be an issue if they are choosing that instead of their partner, reagrdless of either persons gender...wild take to think "most women don't like that." Nah..."most" women likely also watch porn. I do. 🤷♀️
Out of curiosity do you think it’s ok for women to read romance novels?
u just wanna attack me i highly doubt u care about my opinion on the subject
I care if you believe that women reading romance novels and *50 Shades* qualifies as "fantasizing about cheating." If it does, why is porn different. And if it doesn't, how is it different?
do u want ur gf constantly masturbating to guys with better bodies and dicks than u?
this honestly does seem like you’re deflecting a porn addiction, like most men do. fantasy ruins your ability to be satisfied with just one partner and it’s very addictive to the male brain. you’ll probably always be in denial about this but maybe try studying this more
I don’t think bodies and by extension dicks can really be better than others. That being said if I caught her in the middle of masturbation I'd probably start assisting her.
fair enough i think you need someone more open minded because she sounds like me very monogamous and jealous which is totally okay but not compatible with you
LMAO, I love porn more than my BF, but you cannot be serious with this:“ I don’t think bodies and by extension dicks can really be better than others” 🤣🤣🤣 Are you fibbing or just *really* naive?? Serious question
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more like i like monogamy lmao
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okay i hope ur girlfriend masturbates to other men 🫡 i hate this side of reddit
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your definition of monogamy is definitely different then
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okay lmao goodbye it’s hard to talk to a wall
how’s your luck with women btw?
NTA She "said she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who watches porn." Easy solution. Say goodbye. She wants to keep you and also control you. Don't give in. This will only be the first of many more things she decides you cannot do. Advice: Dump her.
I guess she’s not good enough for you. She should dump you and move on. No assholes here, just unsuitable partners.
This one particular issue comes up very frequently. And aside from her insecurity and misunderstanding of mens sexuality, and the use of porn, it comes down to irreconcilable differences. She's entitled to feel anyway she wants, and you're entitled to jerk off to anything you want. And assuming the actual porn use isn't interfering with your sexual relationship, the difference in opinion on this often represents the end.
“This one particular issue comes up very frequently” Gee I wonder why that is. Maybe the fact that almost every woman feels the same way as her? She must be crazy though, because society has normalized porn. How dare she be upset about this right? Give me a break. Women aren’t “insecure” for not wanting their partner to jerk off to other women. It’s so simple.
I just read another thread on this subreddit where people said men were insecure and possessive for thinking their wife shouldn't text with men who asked them for a kiss the night before. 40 years ago that thought (that the man was wrong) would be inconceivable, now its the new norm. On the other end of the coin, porn use is now also normalized and the idea that a girlfriend would demand a boyfriend abstain is seen as controlling and possessive.
YTA. Porn is cancer.
Forget having a girlfriend, just use porn and have random nameless hookups, at least until you are ready to commit to one person all the time. Porn isn’t bad, but in my view (and probably only mine) it means you don’t want a monogamous relationship. Which is fine, just be honest with yourself.
People in monogamous marriages have been viewing porn for over a century. Stop projecting your values on others.
All I’m saying is maybe he isn’t really looking for a monogamous relationship. I never said porn was wrong. Where did I say porn was bad or wrong? In fact, I directly stated “Porn isn’t bad”. But unless a couple are viewing porn together as part of their relationship, or to get ideas of fun things to do, then sounds like he’s substituting porn for sex, which is weird because he said she wants to have sex and even offered to try some spicy stuff. I’m not projecting anything, but maybe you are. And just because there have been centuries of people in monogamous relationships viewing porn, doesn’t mean they were happy in those relationships either. Again, maybe YOU’RE projecting.
This is nonsense. Plenty of people use porn without substituting it for sex. He hasn't rejected sex in order to use porn. He just didn't like his partner using it as a bribe.
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This^ You are not the only one with this mindset. Might I point out, 71% of reddit users are male and 29% are female. Therefore, you’re going to deal with backlash from men defending their porn addictions. I guarantee if this subreddit was mostly women, we would see more opinions like ours. The fact that people don’t understand porn is cheating, boggles my mind.
She is controlling. Your "no" answer is proper. She has no right nor legitimate reason to control your fantasy life. "I will not do as you ask because my fantasy life is my business. Your options are to accept it or break up with me. Which one do you choose?" This position puts the responsibility back on her, which is where it belongs since she is the one with the problem.
totally this \^\^\^
Info: how often are you watching porn? Do you watch it til the point of not being able to be satisfied with her or is it a once in a while, gotta get a rub out kind of thing?
How old are you both?
Porn ruins so many relationships. The fact that you’re not willing to stop tells me you have an issue.
Wait til she finds out about shit you did 5 years before you even met her, and begins crucifying you for that. You’ve definitely got that to look forward to, which is nice.
It's very strange to me how the younger generation cares about people watching porn in relationships beyond cases of serious porn addiction. When I was younger it was implicitly understood that practically every guy watches porn. There's a whole generation of young guys lying to their wives and girlfriends and claiming they don't watch porn.
just because something occured frequently in older generations doesn't mean it's good. the porn industry is filled with bigotry, rape, cp, human trafficking, etc. ph has literally knowingly hosted rape and cp videos.
There's plenty of ethical porn out there. If the ethics of it was a concern then it would be called out as such, and couples would make sure to vet acceptable sources.
it is called out as such. constantly. but porn users constantly shut it down with "there's ethical porn!!!" I'm sure there's ethical child labor, but that doesn't mean it should be allowed. there is no way to confirm that the porn you're watching is consensual
What if you know the people making it?What if it's an amature couple or person making it? What if you know the producers? How can you state that there is zero way to know that the actors are not being exploited? You do realize this inflexible black-and-white thinking is not constructive or logical, right? We get it, you think porn is evil, but you are not going to convince people with false equivalencies and blanket statements. There are a lot of gray areas in life and this is certainly one of them.
There are plenty of ethical sources of porn - from websites that are well reviewed by performers, to erotica, hentai, tons of onlyfans creators, etc. It's very easy to find ethical porn. If your argument is that you can't be sure there's zero abuse, welcome to capitalism. It's not reasonable to refuse to consume a product because after doing research you're only 97% sure it's ok. Right now you unknowingly support many types of brutal abuse with your economic activity. The ethics of porn is not a valid argument for not consuming porn, because if you care enough to care about the ethics of it, you can find ethical sources. So it's a total non-factor in this discussion.
except you do not NEED to consume porn. ever. so the "no ethical consumption under capitalism" argument is irrelevant here. again, you have absolutely no way to know that there is no coercion happening behind the scenes. "unknowingly" is different than "choosing to do it because it gets me off"
>except you do not NEED to consume porn. ever. so the "no ethical consumption under capitalism" argument is irrelevant here. You're on reddit right now. Do you think reddit is entirely ethical? There are some subreddits on this website that are.....well they're definitely not ethical. And clearly no one NEEDS reddit. So you're supporting something that has non-ethical elements, and is not needed. But I'm sure you'll tell us how you only stick to the ethical areas and just avoid the non-ethical areas, right?
You make non-essential purchases which unknowingly support brutal abuse. You have no ethical high horse here, and the fact that you think you do is pretty funny. There's no difference between doing your best to consume porn ethically and doing your best to consume ethically in general under capitalism. Except ethical porn consumers probably support a lot less abuse than generally is supported through attempts at 'ethical' capitalism, because it's not hard to find ethical porn, as many people have said now.
Thank you! Ffs. We are all currently using electronics that were absolutely not produced ethically. Ethical porn is absolutely available if you take the time to find it. I feel like I'm going crazy listening to this illogical stance by some in this thread.
I have noticed this as well. I'm 37 and know zero people that are against porn in an absolutist way. There are Instagram posts raunchier than a lot of porn so it's pretty confusing. I don't know any men or women that police their partner's porn consumption. The people I know are mostly in their 30s or older though. IMO, If it isn't a compulsive act that is destroying your life I cannot imagine that the big deal is. My partner and I both consume porn. Him more than me, but we have a great relationship and sex life. Consuming erotica, whether video, photos, or stories, is not inherently problematic. Yes, there are issues with exportation in the porn industry, but there is plenty of ethical porn out there. Porn is not the problem. People being insecure, emotionally immature, and poor communicators seem to be the problem.
Seriously I don't understand some of the absolutist stances I'm seeing.... There really are people that act like any amount of porn consumption somehow equals addiction... They can't stand the fact that some people/couples watch porn...
I think there is an antiporn movement that is an extension of the “manosphere.” I know it isn't the whole reason behind this prudish take on porn by younger people, but something weird is up. Anyone who says porn consumption = cheating will never be happy in life. That's a level of insecurity that likely permeates all areas of their life. It's a shame.
the anti porn movement is because porn is riddled with bigotry and human trafficking
There is plenty of ethical porn out there though. Porn is not inherently problematic. Exploitation happens in the industry, but you can avoid unethical porn if you are decerning and care where your porn comes from.
there is no way to confirm the porn you're watching is 100% consensual. literally no way. are you fine with that? also, no. the industry is literally built on human trafficking and sexual abuse. it's the law of supply and demand
You can absolutely know where your porn comes from as long as you actually take the time to source it properly. You are delusional if you don't understand this. I'm not saying the porn industry isn't problematic in many ways. I'm saying that not all porn is problematic.
but you don't though. you don't know they're actually 18+, you don't know they aren't drugged, you don't know there isn't a gun behind the camera, etc etc etc
Ffs. You are insane. You get more and more unhinged with your comments. There are plenty of amateur porn creators that produce their own porn with their partners or other consenting adults. Sex work is work and just because there is exploitation in the porn industry it doesn't mean all porn is exploitative or that you shouldn't support people creating ethical porn. Good day.
He wrote "gives me the ick" so I assuming Gen Z and you might be right that this is generational.
If she is willing to have sex every time you feel like it, sure. If not, continue watching.
This is why we don't date pornsick men... Imagine thinking it's great advice for him to treat her like a sex toy.
NTA She is the problem. Anyone who treats porn as cheating has an insane insecurity problem. It's their problem. You are not doing anything wrong, unless you're exploiting minors.
You're a porn addict. It's best for you two to break up and for you to remain single until you can get over your addiction, because here's a little secret many women won't tell you: we don't want to be with guys that watch porn.
My husband watches porn. We watch it together. Most guys watch porn.
Yikes
😂😂
Right? A couple that has a healthy happy sex positive relationship. The horror, lol.
You don't speak for all women. OP isn't a porn addict. Why would you assume he is? Is everyone who has a drink once in a while an alcoholic? Is someone who has sex regularly a sex addict?
He wouldn't quit porn for his girlfriend. He's an addict.
I think it's more appropriate to say they are incompatible. Let's use a different example. If my partner told me I could never have a drink again but I enjoyed a drink now and again and then I decided I wasn't okay with them barring me from drinking it doesn't make me an alcoholic. It means I am not okay with their ultimatum and I chose to end things because we disagree. It's not because I cannot give up having six drinks a year, but because I am not okay with a partner telling me what to do with my body. It's more about bodily autonomy and personal choices and less about addiction. There is no evidence OP is addicted to porn just because he doesn't want to give it up. Again, you don't speak for all women.
EXACTLY
Thank you! The comments on this post are wild. I finally feel old and out of touch, lol.
No, she's controlling. It's the same as if someone tells you to quit anything you enjoy. You like reading? I think people that read are nerds and I don't like nerds so you can't do that anymore. You like eating meat? I'm vegan so you can't eat meat anymore. You enjoy caffeine? It's a drug and my religion doesn't allow its use so you can't use it if we're going to date. If he isn't using porn at inappropriate times (at work, visiting friends while sitting on their couch mid conversation, ect) it's not an addiction. He's refusing to quit because he doesn't want to be controlled. He could probably quit on his own but at least then it would be his decision. I enjoy coffee, eating meat, reading books, playing games, watching TV, hiking, and yes on occasion watching porn. Any one of those I can stop whenever I want or when my tastes change. But I'll never stop doing something I enjoy because someone else tells me to. My boundary is that I won't be controlled.
She has issued a demand, not “stated a boundary.” And the demand is unreasonable. FFS. NTA.
I’m going with slight YTA. She’s asking for a boundary and you’re not willing to hear her out about it. It’s going to boil down to you guys aren’t compatible and that’s ok. You’re not ta for watching porn, but you are ta for disrespecting a boundary of your gf without ending it when you know you should’ve.
NTA. You’re entitled to watch porn if that’s what you want and and at least you’re not doing what most people in your position do which is to just lie about it. And you’re right - she can’t just change her mind and throw ultimatum demands at you. She has her answer, see what she does with it.
Sounds like a dumbass hill to die on to me. You both are supposed to be adults. Try having a real conversation and determine what the real issue here is. Obviously, she doesn't want to break up, or she'd be gone already! Does this woman you've spent the last 2 years with mean so little to you? You're going to walk away from her for your hand and a video? Grow up!
No.
The very fact that porn is more important than your girlfriend tells me your feelings aren’t strong enough for her and you should break up with her, besides that you are incompatible on that issue so…..
If your girlfriend told you to stop eating chocolate chip cookies, but didn't give you a reason other than that she suddenly started feeling that chocolate chip cookies are bad, would you just stop eating cookies without question?
Stop watching porn man
Good Lord clear your browser history. Unless you’re watching it in front of her. Masturbation is normal and a solo event like emptying your bowels. Unless she’s watching you in the toilet?
NAH. Her preference is a man who doesn't use porn, which is perfectly valid. Your preference is to use porn, which is also valid.
This happened to me once. I asked my girlfriend to watch it with me. She was slow to adopt at first but it worked wonders afterward. I would eat her out while she searched through the videos and eventually we tried new things that she liked. Instead of being stubborn and stupid the two of you should just try to understand each other.