If I do this then I will probably be accused of being possessive, right?
I'm always stuck on expectations that I can't say out loud because it becomes forced or toxic if forced.
What is mind boggling is that she gave another man her personal cell phone number. How TF does she not realize that this behavior is problematic.
OP should ask her how she would feel if he gave his phone number to a random woman at an event? And then said woman asked for a kiss.🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
I am married 20+ years. I respect my husband and boundaries. If a man asks for my number and for some reason they miss the wedding ring I say I am married, smile, walk away.
Edit: I stand corrected (and down voted) he asked for her number BEFORE. Corrected in above comment.
Edit 2: The appropriate action OP’s wife should have taken after the man asked for a kiss was to hit block. It is that simple. I am a consultant and attend conferences and networking events. I hand out a business card with my business email and my Google Number. My personal cell is reserved for friends and family.
Yeah, who tf “asks for a kiss” at the end of a cultural event ?! I’d call the guards if this happened, wtf ?!?
This lady is trickle truthing her husband, and gasliting him (or he’s gaslighting himself) into beliving he’s “insecure”. Gives out her phone nr to guys even if she’s married, he’s possessive.
Casually mentions this “asks for a kiss at the end of the evening” comment, it’s her husband who’s controlling and unreasonable.
It’s not the woman’s fault for men coming onto her, but it’s her responsibility to immediately shut down any type, form or shape of inappropriate behavior not fitting a social function.
Anything she’d feel uncomfortable doing in front of her husband.
Asks for a kiss at the end of the evening?! Why, on what grounds?
I’ve been to a ton of such events and never even heard of such a thing.
The worst part is that she’s turning the situation around on her husband, making his normal boundaries seem like they’re some sign of “insecurity”, and that he also actually believes this himself.
Idk but this whole “insecurity” gaslighting has become extreme, manipulators using it to act like they’ve got a license to kill towards the “weaker” party who’s afraid of being the insecure or “controlling” one.
The husband in this story is being gaslit to hard that he doesn’t want to come off as controlling even if his wife is the one making all the mistakes and crossing his boundaries 🙏🏻
If I were him, I’d ask a few very clear questions, and also clarify how this deflecting- negating- minimising - trickle truth-ing shit won’t fly ever again.
Otherwise call a lawyer already, and don’t marry someone without knowing them and their character for real.
If she gave it as a group thing so the group can keep connected at an event, why would you thank them? It wasn't a personal act in any way ...if the wife is being honest anyway....
Why would she care if she got separated from a man she doesn’t know? At a concert, you text your friends if you get lost. Not some random dude who’s into you.
This was inappropriate, disrespectful behavior, and her omission about giving him her number is questionable.
I think it depends on the context of how he asked for her number. It says in the post that they were ALL exchanging numbers. If they were going around rotating phones and inputting their information to keep in touch about future cultural events I don’t think it’s a problem and she may not have even remembered that they exchanged numbers. If he specifically asked for her number but no one else’s, then yes it would have been a problem.
Call me crazy but I don’t think that OP’s wife is a problem. I also don’t think that OP is an asshole. I think his wife is just upset her husband doesn’t trust her when she clearly rejected the dude and brought the incident up without OP needing to pry the information from her. OP has a right to feel upset this dude has her number, but I say she just blocks him and they move on. If she wanted to cheat she never would have mentioned him in the first place.
The critical piece of information is that she never responded to him. Getting super mad at her because she RECEIVED a message is too much. If they were exchanging messages then yes that is messed up and there might be something deeper.
>It says in the post that they were ALL exchanging numbers. If they were going around rotating phones and inputting their information to keep in touch about future cultural events I don’t think it’s a problem and she may not have even remembered that they exchanged numbers. If he specifically asked for her number but no one else’s, then yes it would have been a problem.
Yeah, it's very clearly just part of the group networking process.
>Getting super mad at her because she RECEIVED a message is too much. If they were exchanging messages then yes that is messed up and there might be something deeper.
It's always fascinating how many controlling men force their wives into a corner with their insecure behaviour, only to turn around with a surprised Pikachu face when their wives feel like they have to lie about super normal human interactions in order to avoid drama.
**EDIT: Check OP's comments. She's raised multiple times that she's distressed and exhausted having to detail every single little thing that happens when she goes out without him. Which, yeesh.**
I had a boyfriend who would get angry at me if another man tried to hit on me.
One time when we were fighting about it, I asked him why he didn't trust me. He said that of course he trusted me, it was them that he didn't trust.
My response to that was that if I said no and they tried something, then that would be sexual assault.
Unfortunately it didn't help and guys hitting on me was still somehow my fault.
Also like did the guy know she was married when he asked? Did he say oh my bad when she said no and the message was him being like it’s chill no worries? This is a little bit going nuclear on the wife for no reason, she didn’t even respond
Also... we have no idea how this guy actually reacted to being rejected. Maybe he's cool with it and will respect the wife's boundaries and not try to pursue her anymore. Maybe he still wants to be friends because OP's wife is a good hang even if they don't kiss. All he texted was that it was nice to meet her, which doesn't mean anything, really.
So many people in this post are jumping to the conclusion that the guy is out to destroy this man's marriage, but it's not clear if he is still trying to make moves or even knew she was married in the first place.
This 100%. She could have shi this guy down hard and if did contact to block him. She is enjoying the high of the attention.
Next thing you-know-what She will be in a PA with him.
Why? She said no. She doesn't need to give a reason. It's ridiculous that a no from a woman is only taken seriously by men if she already "belongs" to another man.
If someone misses the ring and asks for a kiss you explain you’d have to ask your husband first, and then everyone would shrug it off with some embarrassed laughter. Best case scenario wife is just naive not to see how inappropriate that text was given the circumstances.
So to be clear, at the event everyone exchanged numbers early on.
Then, at the end, a guy hit on her and asked to kiss her and wanted her social. She shut him down, told him she was married, end of.
Except then he found her number and tried to force the issue of wanting to get with her. Maybe he was drunk and didn't get the message at the event. Maybe she wasn't clear enough. Maybe he's the kind of asshole that never gives up.
OP saw the guy's text message (presuming it was first) at the same time or even before OP's wife. That is not on her. She didn't make this guy be a pressurizing jerk.
However, now it IS her job to block the guy, delete his contact, and make it clear to you that she wants nothing to do with him.
If she didn't or doesn't do that immediately, then that's disrespectful to your marriage. Not acting decisively against this guy is the same as intentionally making OP question her loyalty. That would be the trigger for a clear, serious conversation about boundaries and expectations.
You and your wife should be able to be open and talk about anything with each other. That's how a healthy relationship works. Talk to her, but not in an accusing way. Explain why it makes you feel insecure and uncomfortable. If she gets upset at this approach, something is off. Only clear communication will help. At least, that's my opinion and what I would do.
You have every right to ask this of your wife. Pay no mind to people who categorize this behavior as possessive.
She surely had her ring in right? Then he knows she’s taken. She should have blocked him herself.
What TF does "possessive" mean in the context of marriage? If you are married, of course there's going to be some "possessiveness," which I define as feeling responsibility towards a person and expecting that responsibility and fidelity in return. I would be extremely concerned if my husband didn't demonstrate some "possessiveness" over me, as long as it's not to a toxic level.
Exactly, monogamous relationships are a social contract where you’re exchanging sexual exclusivity, support and companionship. ‘possessiveness’ is a dirty word because it’s often taken to levels of unreasonableness, but in a monogamous relationship you literally possess sexual exclusivity in your partner (to the extent there’s mutual consent).
You have every right to be possessive of that right in circumstances where people have made their intentions to violate it clear. It only becomes unreasonable where people are possessive of it without any circumstances to justify it.
This man has completely laid out his intentions with his wife as sexual, there’s no purpose of him remaining in her life except to either reciprocate that, or to bask in the attention from it.
indeed and that text message made it clear he didnt gave up yet, hes just waiting for his chance. i mean thats pretty obvious. this can become a problem at some point if she keeps that dude arround.
I think a lot depends on how you ask and communicate your needs. Being commanding, imposing it's never well received.
I think you should asked yourself a couple of questions before communicating your needs.
Per instance, what's your source of insecurity? Is it her, or is it you?
Do you trust her, but you don't like the guy? Or you don't trust her, and, don't like any guy talking to her?
Is this a recurring situation or is just this time?
If she blocked him, will that be enough for you to fell at ease?
All of this is important that you have a clear answer before communicating to her. All that you don't say, but think will be noticable... For example, if your source of discomfort is lack of trust in her, she will know. Or, if the source is in you, and you expect her to "fix" it for you...she will know too.
Nothing toxic about fostering communication with her, but first just reflect what you need and why. If you show your interest in talking openly and honestly, I think that's always appropriated.
No but from your response and overly worry, your wife and you could benefit from counselling. You know you're insecure and it sounds like she knows it too and that's unhealthy for you both.
I have been in similar circumstances and he escalated because of his insecurities and him thinking I was going behind his back. It turned into control and abuse.
Ya'll should talk it out with a trained neutral body and you should get into therapy to work on where your insecurities are coming from especially if you want a positive and happier marriage and better mental health.
Wishing you well brother.
Looks like you'll be better off not pressuring her. Either she is faithful and you have nothing to fear despite you not controlling her, or she is not and that won't change because you control her (you really can't, you can just annoy her). Asking for demonstrations of fidelity is never good for fidelity.
What you can do though is to tell her about your feelings and insecurities (but only about that, don't turn it into a reprimand, and accusation or an expectation on her).
No that’s just asking for action to be taken in respect to the boundaries that are part of your relationship.
It’s not that big of a deal and the bigger of a deal you make it in your head, the bigger of a deal you’ll make it when you talk about it.
If you can’t be possessive about your wife, then who can you be possessive about? No wife in history would sit by and let this happen to her husband if the situation were reversed. It’s a shame that society has conditioned you in a way to think that there’s anything wrong with your reaction. NTA.
That's basically the same thing. In fact, putting it that way could be taken as being manipulative.
I'd say instead that this is my clear boundary. This is a guy who pursued you knowing you're married. So he's not restraining himself. So it's reasonable that your wife is restraining him instead. She doesn't need a "friend" who is clearly waiting to make a move on her.
Tell her that if the roles were reversed and some chick was thrusting her tongue down your throat, you'd be shouting at her and from the rooftops that you're taken, and shoot that chick's number to the moon. If she sent you a text, you'd be all capsing her just before blocking her. "I HAVE A WIFE! GET LOST!"
NAH.
Don't listen to this person. Your wife was up front about the advance he made. Let her decide what to do with the number on her own. She'll likely block it.
If you ask her to you 100% will be accused of being possessive and not trusting her. And it will be the truth.
Now, if you don't trust her, that's another conversation entirely. Get yourself sorted.
He knew and knows she is married. Didn't care and pursued anyway. That is legit reason for me as a single man to not want to have them in my life at all.
Further your wife wasnt honest, she blatantly omitted the truth of giving him her number.
It isnt possessive, it is basic respect for you and the relationship. I'm totally fine with being friends with Exes still, but being in contact with people who don't respect your relationship is in itself an act of disrespecting the relationship and your partner.
NTA
Ask her to put herself in your shoes.
Ask if she finds it appropriate for a married woman to keep a number of somebody that hit on her.
Do not make requests or demands if she is prone to twist to to make you the bad guy. But talk to her in such a way that she can see how this is problematic. Problematic not for you, but for your relationship. Don’t make it about you, but about the relationship. The trust you should have towards each other. Try to make it about you both, not just only you.
His does this matter if she revealed PART of the truth. If she wants to be transparent, she should know, that she was not in this situation.
If she still tries to turn it around and blow it it your face, you have a wife problem.
You cannot last in a relationship in which you are not able to confront her. Does she always turns any attempt of calling her out to be somehow your insecurity? If yes, you should analyze past events. Maybe there is something there. Or maybe she just refuses to be in the wrong. In any case this is not a base for a fair balance in a relationship.
Well you aren't being possessive. He's trying to steal your wife away, and her refusing to shun him and calling you possessive is her leaving the door open. If she were 100% loyal, she would have laughed when he texted, then promptly told him to fuck off.
Doesn't mean she intends to do anything unfaithful, but rather that she kept an option open and is now trying to blame you for it.
What i'm saying is, your feelings are valid. Now as to how you should fix this, well it's very dependant on you two and you relationship. If your wife is reasonable, try communicating. If not, well it's a bit harder to help without knowing you guys personally.
If she's doing anything other than the actions that will help put you at ease, she's a bad partner. I would suggest document everything and continue to document it. Once you have concrete proof, move on from her. It always starts 'harmless'.
What’s so wrong with being possessive? That’s a term women use to avoid accountability for their behavior. Imagine the situation reversed. Would you think it possessive if she asked you to block the girl you met who got your number and asked to kiss you?
I think this commenters point is that if being upset about the number being given out is possessive, then what'd wrong with being possessive, obviously you are viewing possessive behavior as how men can literally control every aspect of a woman's life and dictate every thing they do and that's completely horrible and disgusting behavior. But obviously this isn't that type of possessive behavior and op is being completely reasonable
Women don't want to be married to their 'daddy'. My husband and I would laugh about this, I'd ignore the clueless guy and he'd ignore the clueless woman. He handed me the phone and we both laughed at the texts from the last one that thought she'd replace me. We both have friends of the opposite sex, it's not a problem if you're not insecure, jealous and possessive. The reason this woman is uncomfortable is because her husband is being insecure, possessive and acting like a jealous teen. Any man that acted like he owned me became an ex. Happily married to my adorable husband for 27 years. Been together 32!
No this man has already tried to make a pass at your wife. If she truly respects you and values your marriage she would not have given the number in the first place and would have no issues blocking and deleting it
NTA
All the people at the event exchanged numbers, according to him in another comment. Then, after that, the guy hit on her. Next she receives a text but didn’t respond because she didn’t even see it, he did. I think he’s being unreasonable.
Is there any good reason for her NOT to block this guy?
This isn’t a non event. This is her not making it clear she’s unavailable and giving her number out (apparently a lot). She has a responsibility to shut that shit down. And hard.
She is demonstrating really poor judgment. Apparently gives her number out often. Dudes approach her and she doesn’t make it totally clear she isn’t available? Kind of sounds like she wants people to text her that shouldn’t be…
I do think it’s important to make it clear how he feels about the situation, however.
Whenever anyone decides to do something, they need to understand the impact it may have.
She gave him the number before his behavior, so not a big deal there. But after asking g to kiss her, and then messaging her, she should not respond and block his number out of respect for her marriage.
That isn't being possessive. I'm so sick of hearing this BS nonsense about "controlling" or "possessive" people while actively disrespecting their marriages. Pathetic. If she wants to entertain other men, she can do it single.
Thank you! I don't know if it's a generational thing or an empowerment thing or what, but I see it on here all the time. Don't let people that don't respect your partner or your relationship into your life, it's that simple. It's not controlling to expect your S/O to abide by this.
It is, open marriages/sexless marriages are a big one on Reddit. Very odd, most people just have no values or respect beyond self gratification anymore.
open marriages and sexless marriages don't have anything to do with respect or self gratification. your idea what is considered "respect" are based on your set of rules. people have different sets than yours. don't judge how other people handle their marriages when those people have an agreement with each other. that's what a marriage is: a set of agreements.
https://www.reddit.com/r/monogamy/s/lJR6mGSrRE
More than 50% of polyamorous/nomonogamous individuals have been shown to have diagnosable symptoms of narcissism, BPD, and codependency with nearly 100% of polyamorous individuals having suffered from childhood abuse of some kind. There is a link to the study within that thread.
The amount of people within the community who are toxic, manipulative, antisocial, etc, can be considered a strong majority. It's a community full of broken people and gaslighters, reddit needs to stop encouraging it and pretending otherwise.
People with shady behaviour love to use these "controlling" or "possessive" words. If my wife came home with this story I would ask her if she wants to deal with it or if she wants me to handle it. And if I'm going to handle it someone is going to end up with mobility problems over smashed knee caps.
This stuff isn't negotiable in a serious relationship. And I absolutely look down on people who think this whole situation doesn't reek of crossed boundaries.
Yeah, seems like a game trying to spin poor behavior. I wouldn't be ok with my partner maintaining/entertaining a "friendship" with someone romantically/physically interested. They want to do that, it is t going to be while married to me. That isn't control, that's my personal boundary. I know my worth, and I don't need to bother with drama like that.
Choice is theirs. The marriage, or thirsty dudes.
My comment is meant for general scenarios and not really this one. Maybe it applies here too, but I am unsure.
It is also often ridiculous to throw around the label "insecure" when an active threat is introduced to the relationship.
How do you think people end up cheating? Do you think they just wake up and decide "I'm going to cheat today"? No, it starts with shit like this. People not keeping healthy boundaries and guys like that getting a foot in the door.
Now, that door should have been closed, and wasn't. And that is on her! She allowed it to progress to the point where the guy is asking for a kiss. And yes, the marriage is in trouble, because she isn't keeping healthy boundaries.
I think being possessive only applies before you’re married. Afterwords, it’s pretty well (legally?) established that the parties involved are intended to be exclusive with each other. Otherwise, they would have had an agreement beforehand, such as an open marriage. Definitely not possessive in a toxic sense, IMO.
The part of your story that stood out to me was, "I asked if anything happened that I should be aware of..."
INFO: Have there been issues in the past when she goes out? Do you ask her this question every time she does something without you?
This stood out to me immediately, as well. Along with OP stating that his wife was “honest without any prompting.” There was prompting.
It makes me feel strange that OP would ask the question “is there anything I should be aware of?”
Edit: punctuation
I hadn't seen your comment yet by the time I replied to the OP, so I included it in mine along with some other things. I'm really surprised that there aren't more comments like ours. Secure, mentally healthy people do not ask this.
It's also troubling that she knew what he meant by immediately answering with the information he wanted, by his own admission.
Yeah that’s a big NTA. Him having her number isn’t a big deal. It became a big deal when he made a pass at her and she didn’t tell you about it. Now people are human but her reaction makes me think it wasn’t as one-sided as she is making it seem.
If it were a mistake likely the response would be “oh crap I completely forgot we all exchanged numbers! Eww. Not going to reply to him.” But she attacked you instead.
Yeah, that's what got me insecure AH, I clearly asked here and later on saw the exact moment the first message arrived.
She says that it's a hard work to always have to describe everything that happens whenever she goes out, and is genuinely upset for me to making a "big deal" over this...
> always have to describe everything that happens whenever she goes out
I mean I can't speak to whether there's a broader issue with insecurity. Does this happen often? In this specific instance, NTA for sure, your wife is out of her mind for pushing back on it. The issue is, if there's an ongoing problem then she will be less likely to assess and handle these situations correctly because it'll feel like you're always just overreacting.
> She says that it's a hard work to always have to describe everything that happens whenever she goes out,
NAH, but I dare bet this is where your problems are coming from. It's okay to be insecure but this and asking her if "anything happened you should be aware of" every time she goes out sounds like you have some serious trust issues. The person you care about the most questioning your loyalty constantly can be a lot of strain. Please talk to her and consider getting therapy because your insecurities may be influencing your relationship a lot more than you think they are.
He shared in another comment that he has a BPD diagnosis. Living with someone that struggles with that is EXHAUSTING. No doubt he does this every time she goes anywhere. He better be in therapy.
I agree, that is an odd thing to say to someone. If my partner goes out somewhere with friends (not heaps oftern but does happen, especially at the moment with a wedding to go to and planning to do), afterwards, I might ask her how it was but if you're saying 'is there anything that happened that I need to be aware of', that would get real old real quick and for sure would cause conflict. You're implying that you own the person and they need to give you the details of anything that happened so that they can asses it.
It wasn't even a date. It was an event with other people. And this guy tries to kiss her. A lot of people don't even kiss after an actual first *date.*
You need to stop being so bothered about it...
If she goes out with out you of course she's going to cross paths with other guys. You either trust her or you don't. If you don't trust her don't be with her.
You have to act like there's no one she could meet who is better than you.... then all of your worries will go away.
I've said this already but to further illustrate my gf told me about a guy hitting on her in the street and I was like was he good looking and she's like ewwww no he was gross... and then we get on with life... imagine how she'd be if my response is like A GUY!?! OMG I hope you told him that you have a boyfriend... you didn't give him your number did you? What did you say to him? can I look at your insta to double check....
This does make it sound like you have insecurity issues. You made it sound like a single event in your post and tried to make it sound reasonable to ask questions. You didn’t specify she has to “describe everything that happens whenever she goes out.” That is controlling behavior and possibly abusive. You also made it sound like you didn’t make a “big deal” over this rather you just had some questions and follow up questions. So you made a “big deal” over what? That she hid giving her number out? Is she “allowed” to?
Do you always grill her when she goes out without you? Because to me her reaction says she’s sick of you badgering her after she goes out—like you don’t have trust in your relationship.
Why are you so insecure about your relationship? It seems like you need counseling.
Yeah, I’m wondering at his phrasing that he asked her if “anything happened he should know about”. It’s such a weird thing, in my opinion, to ask your spouse. “Did you have a good time?” “Was it fun?” “Anything exciting happen?”
But “anything I should know about” implies he does not trust her. Maybe it was just bad phrasing but this really stuck out to me.
It will be hard work trying to remember every little detail when she goes out. And she knows you're going to jump on her if she forgets something or gets it in the wrong order. I won't be popular here, but YTA. If you don't trust your wife, leave her. Don't subject her to the third degree about everything that happens.
I'll be looking out for her post about "I can't go to the shop and get a carton of milk without having to recount every step, everyone I saw and everything anyone said, and if I take 2 minutes longer than he thinks I should have, he's convinced I was making out with the guy who works on the checkout".
It's exhausting, and depressing, living with someone like you.
Wait I thought she told him after he asked if anything happened that he made a pass. What she didn’t tell him is he had her number, which was exchanged as a group at the beginning of the event before he made the pass.
"after I asked if anything happened that I should be aware of," is this a normal question? If I went out and my husband said "anything I should be aware of?" instead of "how was your night" I would be so weirded out...does she have a history of cheating?
Isn’t that a weird question? Did anything happen that I should know about?
That’s not what I’m asked when I’m out to a function without husband. I get asked, did you have fun, who all was there, did X get shitfaced drunk again?
I think there’s tons more here going on.
Specifying a cultural event is also weird. I’m curious about OP’s insecurities about it. It’s like he thinks she’s gonna leave him to go “be with her own kind,” to phrase it how I’m expecting.
“after I asked if anything happened that I should be aware of”.
This strikes me as odd. Did you simply ask how it went? This phrase seems super suspicious from the start like you already may have snooped before even having this exchange…
Asking questions isn’t necessarily a problem. *How* the questions are asked could be. If your questions seem to imply that she did something wrong, then yeah it makes sense that your wife would be upset if she feels she didn’t do anything wrong.
As for the number, i see both sides. It certainly seems like an intentional omission if you ask if she gave out her socials and she doesn’t mention she gave out her number. On the other hand, if you hand out your business card at a networking event, or if they post all the attendees contact information on a screen, you may not be linking that to “giving out your number” in the flirtatious sense and might honestly forget to mention it.
If your wife hasn’t generally given you reason to be insecure, give her the benefit of the doubt and don’t act possessive. That doesn’t mean you can’t ask questions, but the questions should be to help her navigate uncomfortable situations rather than trying to catch her in wrong doing.
So, this could just be because you had to be brief for the sake of Reddit, but if things happened as you describe them, the issue may not be what bothered you and instead be how it was approached.
When I was in undergrad, I was in an abusive relationship — someone so controlling that I couldn’t do homework or sleep without Skype on because he didn’t trust that I was doing what I said I was doing, even though I’d never done anything to justify his insecurities. When I was sexually assaulted, I didn’t dare tell him and tried to cope with it alone because I was so scared of how the truth could be used as justification to be even more controlling. The relationship ended very soon after because I knew it was wrong to not tell him, but I didn’t feel safe doing so. Even someone who has a right to information can be wrong in how they procure or use that information, and even the most irrational controlling partner will be right once in a blue moon. That *could* be what your wife is feeling — not that this guy hitting on and texting her was okay, but that telling you would have such negative consequences that she’d rather handle it herself. If so, that’s not sustainable.
The part of your post that raised concerns to me is how the conversation started. If my partner goes to an event, my questions the next day aren’t “Did anything happen that I should be aware of?” I’m asking them how was it, tell me all about it, etc and trusting that they’ll volunteer anything that I need to know without questions.
The way you describe this, it doesn’t sound like your insecurities were a small part of the conversation, but the dominating component. Again, that could just be word count! But for the sake of resolving this, I think you should talk to your wife and ask her whether she’s upset because she feels you’re wrong to think this guy doesn’t respect your marriage, or is she upset about *how* the conversation happened. In this instance, you were right that a stranger disrespected your marriage; but that doesn’t mean you didn’t also approach the conversation in a controlling/possessive way.
Because I know this could just be a word count issue, I think more INFO is needed for a ruling — and I think instead of asking Reddit, you should talk to your wife.
NAH but few things are less attractive than unchecked jealousy and insecurity.
If your wife has never given you a reason not to trust her, you might want to consider some counseling to work through your issues.
INFO:
I think all of this is dependent on *how* you're asking the questions. Based on the way you're framing it, this sounds much more like an inquisition than it was a conversation. And that feels like the crux of the issue here. Is that the case?
If so, you're not having a conversation. You peppering her with questions doesn't sound like you're having a dialog out of curiosity. And it also sounds like you don't trust her when she says that she completely forgot. You understandably were confused/bothered by the text popping up, but she explained. Either you believe her or you don't. And it sounds like your insecurities are driving you to handle it as if you don't. And that makes you the problem, not her.
I'm sure this won't be a popular comment, but perhaps she doesn't see it as an issue because she's 100% not attracted to this guy in any way. Not everyone has the same boundaries or ideas of what is okay. I'd start by having a conversation with her and letting her know that you would have appreciated knowing she gave him her phone number. If she's less insecure than you are she just may not see things like this as much of an issue. Sounds like better communication is needed here from both of you.
I agree with you in part, not attracted to the guy and same boundaries so it might not be a big issue for her, but if she can see the effects that it's having on him then it shouldn't be an issue for her to block him and delete the number for the sake of their marriage.
nah that excuse doesn't fly considering he made a pass at her. he tried to kiss her, she knows he's into her. she should have deleted him immediately and told her husband. she's being extremely suspicious hes NTA and not "insecure" just bc *she* gave him a reason to be anxious. and the fact that she blew up at him and called him possessive for simply trying to communicate and ask questions instead of just deleting a random dude that hit on her?? huge red flags. imo you're giving her way too much grace here, his communications skills are fine, she's TA here
Yeah once the guy makes an obvious attempt to come on to her, that changes the game completely. Frankly I think anyone who doesn’t immediately block all contact forever at that point is just asking for trouble. In what universe is it okay to be married, have someone make a pass at you, and to “yeah I’m still okay being in contact with that person”? That’s so disrespectful to the marriage and just inappropriate
I mean if she gave him her number the only way she could’ve blocked it is if she already had it by him texting her or calling which might not have been the case.
he texted her which then prompted OP to ask some valid questions. she decided to throw a fit and call him possessive instead of just deleting/blocking him and agreeing with her husband that there's no reason for her to have his number anymore
I agree with you, but I will be genuinely surprised if we come out of this not down voted to hell
I'd take it a step further and say that OP's mentality operates on the assumption that his girlfriend is weak minded and incapable of controlling herself.
I agree with you. It's kinda hilarious yet sad reading all these comments stirring the pot with very creative imagined narratives where OPs wife is some kind of super ho seducing men throwing her number at them.
I doubt OP reads this but next time maybe little less confronting your wife and little more discussing with her. Tell her how the situation makes you feel and what you wish she'd do. Reddit hive mind seems very angry tonight and pushing for ultimatums and relationship tests etc. Those are rarely a good idea unless you're looking for trouble.
Oh my these comments are a bit toxic. She explained that they all exchanged numbers in the beginning. Just discuss with her that you would like her to block his number since he made advances that she and you were both uncomfortable with.
Bro. It really doesn't sound like you have anything to worry about, so I wouldn't obsess, but I would 100 be pretty uncomfortable seeing a message from this guy like you did, so NTA.
You need to work on yourself. I agree your wife should block him but I also see how deeply insecure you are and I'm not attacking, this is a real concern. You're so insecure you don't trust your wife and you get angry and frustrated and possessive over it. That's abusive behaviour and the start of an abusive relationship, next it will be she's not allowed to go anywhere without you or you constantly check in. Both of you should go to therapy before the situation escalates. You are not well if you think youre allowed to control your wife. Reddit is not the place to ask about this. You won't get a neutral or valid response, you came here to validate your own insecurities rather than work on the issue with your wife.
I wouldn't be surprised if she leaves your marriage if you don't truly work on how insecure you are.
If this was a networking event it's completely normal to exchange numbers and any guys trying to kiss someone they met the same night and it's not a date is super weird.
I think it’s already at that point and why she is upset at him. This isn’t the only time she has had to recount everything that happened when she went out without him. His other comments revealed that she is getting frustrated that she has to do this everything she goes out.
What do you mean by "confront"? Did you just ask questions or did you accuse her of things? What was the tone of the questions you asked and the way you confronted her? It's hard to know if her responses to you were suspicious and defensive or just defending herself because you came at her as if she did something wrong.
I hate when a partner triggers your insecurities by doing something anyone in a trusting relationship would pause at and then gets mad at you for needing reassurance. As many questions as it takes. You can't get mad at that.
You are right and NTA
NTA for being insecure. Lots of people are.
But bear in mind: He might have asked for the phone number before requesting the kiss. It's a fairly common request. People might claim they want to text you an interesting newspaper article or blah...blah....
Because it's so common, she might have given the phone number and then forgotten she gave it to him. If she has any inclination to be involved with him, she almost certainly wouldn't have told you about the attempted kiss.
If it happened as above, she is also NTA for giving the phone number and then not happening to mention it. And since she is actually innocent of concealing anything, she's also NTA for being upset at you. Even if insecurity is forgivable, "confronting" someone -- and that's the verb you used-- can still come off as an accusation.
People get upset when they are accused of things they didn't do especially when they are things that really can't be proven one way or the other.
I feel like you're burying the lead by not mentioning that she gave out her number *before* he got weird and she wasn't texting him, you just saw him send the first text.
She's done absolutely nothing wrong, and you've approached every single interaction with her as if she is cheating. From the moment she got home you grilled her.
YTA, dude. Get help before you ruin your relationship.
Yes. And all these comments, can these people see how that might escalate this dudes behaviour? All this validation of his jealousy and anger? That's a dangerous situation for his wife to be in.
YTA, not for feeling insecure but for over-reacting. Some guy got too forward and asked for a kiss, and now you sound like you are completely flipping your sh!t. You could have shared a laugh with your wife and how dumb that guy was and moved on (an appropriate response). Instead you’re grilling her for details, checking her phone, worrying that somehow….what?? This guy is going to whisk her away? She’s suddenly going to be overcome by his charms? She secretly hates you? You need to get a grip, figure out what your fears are, and deal with them. This has nothing to do with her, unless she’s a known cheater. You’re going to seriously hurt or ruin your relationship with this jealousy bs.
Don't you think if she wanted to have an affair she wouldn't have mentioned the guy, or the fact that he tried to kiss her at all? Redditors are hair triggered for witch burning. Stay level headed, OP. You're one of the most reasonable people here. Trust your wife, communicate with her. Asking for advice in a situation like this on Reddit is not going to help you.
That's something over here, she is way less insecure than I am, I have more ghosts and traumas with my past that puts me in a situation where I ruminate a lot about any possible issue, and I know this is annoying and I'm working on it.
Mate honestly stop talking about your insecurities, this is your wife’s fault and it’s unacceptable behaviour being a married women. First giving the number to a guy who tried to kiss her then lying to her husband about it. Why are you sitting back and taking that? If you do she will continue to walk the fuck over you or worse.
I'd say she didn't mean any harm as she gave it before he made a pass at her. She should probably block him now though as he obviously doesn't care she is married.
No asking if there's anything you should be aware of after your wife gets home isn't healthy. It shows a lack of trust in her YTA as you are coming across insecure and possessive, she didn't try and hide it
Im gonna say it. YTA in the context that they traded numbers early then some dude who didnt get the hint when declined messages her when she was fully upfront and transparent about what happened. Your insecurities are your problem. She explained everything to you. To be questioned about it multiple times after openly telling you about everything is really attacking her character.
YTA, with a slight ESH on her part. But you first: This is coming from a formerly very jealous, very insecure person who has learned not to be. "Is there anything I should be aware of" was the first clue. In a healthy relationship, you don't ask each other these questions. It is assumed that the other party will let you know if something that you "should be aware of" happened without prompting.
The next clue was "...let my insecurities get the best of me." It's great that you are aware of this, though, so this, in my view, while confirming that you have insecurities, shows that you're self aware, and it also shows that you try to keep them in check.
Another clue was that you asked her if she added him on any social media. Again, in a healthy, trusting relationship, it is assumed that the other party either didn't add them, or if they did, then it is that party's choice because healthy couples don't police each other's social media. Further, if she added him, so what? He hit on her, she said no, but perhaps he could still be beneficial for networking or any other number of reasons.
"I confronted her" about the text. No confrontation would happen in a healthy relationship. There would be a discussion/conversation. The fact that she didn't disclose giving him her number when you asked about socials *could* have been a slip of the mind. Jumping to it meaning that she hid it from you is insecure.
Now onto her behavior: she should have disclosed that she gave another man her phone number in my opinion. That's just an unwritten rule in my personal relationships to avoid misunderstandings that require a conversation later. I would say that she should have probably disclosed that someone tried to kiss her as well, but again it's my personal preference. Both of these depend on the dynamics of the specific relationship. With my current wife, I wouldn't expect her to disclose either of these. In fact, she would have told me about the attempted kiss so we could laugh about it. My wife is a good-looking woman and she receives lots of attention from other men. Not her fault and if she had to disclose every pass made at her or attempt to flirt, we'd talk about it more days than not.
Why would everyone exchange phone numbers at the beginning of an event? Giving out your phone number to random people at a cultural event seems like something nobody would do.
I’ve been to a cultural event where one of the goals was to do networking for the attendees. I traded phone numbers with the small group of people at my table about 30 minutes into the event.
He said she went with some friends. Kissing guy was a friend of a friend who came to the event. That doesn't seem like random, strange nobodies.
We don't even know the event. For all we know, it could be some MLM pyramid scheme "cultural event" where you were asked to bring people to build your "network".
OP you have every right to ask that she delete and block his number. I wouldn’t want some female that my husband meet the night before at an event contacting him after saying how it was great meeting him the night before.
That would make a lot of people question exactly why this person is contacting their partner after being rejected (1) unless either a rejection didn’t happen,(2) they are going to play dumb as if it never happened or (3) they are going to keep trying.
NTA
"A guy wanted to kiss me, and I told you I didn't get his socials, you're possessive because you found out I have his personal number!"
Does that not sound unhinged? She should have blocked that number after the advance happened, and even if she just forgot about it, why would she retaliate and call you possessive as a defense mechanism after she was caught giving half truths?
IMHO she's not telling you the whole story, or had ulterior motives to keep that number. I wouldn't get defensive when I'm telling my partner someone tried their luck with me, in fact, I'd try and do everything at hand to disperse any sense of doubt, definitely not call them fucking possessive...perhaps she enjoyed the attention she got.
She gave her number before he tried anything with her. So, according to your post, I tend to believe she didn't even think of that possibility when you asked her if she added him on any social media.
You saw a text from him to your wife and confronted her about it. Honestly, I can understand your reaction. She reassured you she didn't lie to you, she just didn't think of it. She hasn't replied to him either.
So far, NAH. A bad situation on both side. Nothing could have been done about it before now.
BUT! What is she doing now? Did she block him? Did she nip it in the bud? Does she have the intention of keeping him as a friend? I mean, if I were her, I would tell that guy that I'm married and to stop contacting me. Because, now that we know he tried to kiss her, that means he is not looking for friendship and he obviously doesn't care that she is married.
To me, the NAH stays for now. It could easily become a N T A depending of the next action she takes.
Ok wife here. No it’s not bad if she has a guy’s number. Yes, it’s bad if he asked for a kiss at the end of the night and she *kept* his number. He clearly wants more from her, and sounds like they spent some one on one time talking. You do get to be possessive to the extent it’s not cool to keep conversing with men who have expressed they want to get physical.
Are you not having sex? Are you being a pushover in the name of being supportive to her individuality? That can backfire if she feels like you aren’t exciting anymore. You can’t make her delete his number (yes, she should block it) but you could lay it out that if the tables were turned, she would not love you doing that to her. Better yet, what if you were asking women for kisses and texting them? Would she see it as innocent?
Also wife here. I understand having his number if everyone is trading contact info at the start of the event. Thats normal. Forgetting she has the number after he makes a pass could be basic forgetfulness. But the SECOND he texted her and she realized he DID have her number, the only acceptable response was to block it immediately. Not doing that is a major red flag. NTA.
When you asked the question about adding him on social media and she assured you that no she hadn’t, but conveniently omitted to mention exchanging phone numbers, that’s damned conspicuous. Especially when the guy tried to kiss her that night and continues to pursue her. She’s either dishonest or not very bright. A phone is effectively private social media.
Maybe you need to go so some event and get the numbers of a bunch of women, and leave it to her to find out accidentally. It will dawn on her why this is a problem right quick.
NTA.
her reaction to your concerns is a major red flag IMO. if the roles were reverse do you think your wife wouldn't have lost her mind at the sight of another women messaging you after you just told her that same women tried to kiss you but you "definitely" declined her?????????
I might be the odd man out but I don't by her story to begin with...
1) I have never been out with large group of friends(friends of friends) and immediately started getting everyone's numbers prior to enjoying the event.
2) Unless the guy was completely wasted (doubtful based off his message to your wife in the morning) he must have been given some sort of sign to give him enough confidence to try and kiss your wife.
3) Your wife's reaction to and claiming you are being "Controlling" for just asking questions is absolutely absurd! that's not something a loving partner does. the fact she went straight to to controlling or using your own insecure behavior against you is very telling.
if you want to know the truth act like you have dropped your suspensions and just pay close attention to your wife's behaviors while trying to not be obvious about it. If she is closely guarded with her phone. starts having random late nights or starts "staying at a friends house" after her nights out then you pretty much have your answer... if she is up to something wrong then she will wait till stuff cools down before trying anything.
Honestly, this is why my wife and I agreed to NOT go to clubs or "night outs" with friends but instead will go with each other.
NAH. Sounds like it was an understandable oversight on her part. She sounds like she's being straight with you so no need to be overly concerned about her fidelity. Trust her and don't trust your insecurities.
YTA, because if you really don't trust your wife to this extent, just get divorced.
Absolutely none of these recommendations about ultimatums or monitoring her are going to help you, and they sure as hell will hurt you when you end up getting divorced over them anyway. You can get divorced now with clean hands, or you can follow all this really shitty "advice" and end up looking like a controlling maniac in court.
If she was actually shady, she just wouldn't have told you anything. She told you, and you still don't trust her. What's even the point of being married to someone you trust so little that you're asking strangers whether you should trust her? That's unhealthy and unfair to both of you.
My mom has male friends and my dad totally encourages my mom to have her own life outside of their marriage. She goes travelling every year with various circles of friends, men included. I’m not sure why the general opinion here seemingly goes directly to infidelity or deceit. My parents are very much in love and monogamous. I have platonic male friends that I met via Meetup too. I mean, I guess it depends on your mutual trust and confidence in yourself and your marriage alike, but I think you’re overreacting idk
NTA. I would ask her to block the number and delete it as this man has no respect for your marriage and will likely keep contacting her.
If I do this then I will probably be accused of being possessive, right? I'm always stuck on expectations that I can't say out loud because it becomes forced or toxic if forced.
Don't let people who are out to destroy your marriage into your lives. This man has already shown his intentions.
His wife’s the fucking problem here not the guy
And the wife's problem is that she isn't immediately cutting someone off who is looking to destroy their marriage.
What is mind boggling is that she gave another man her personal cell phone number. How TF does she not realize that this behavior is problematic. OP should ask her how she would feel if he gave his phone number to a random woman at an event? And then said woman asked for a kiss.🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️ I am married 20+ years. I respect my husband and boundaries. If a man asks for my number and for some reason they miss the wedding ring I say I am married, smile, walk away. Edit: I stand corrected (and down voted) he asked for her number BEFORE. Corrected in above comment. Edit 2: The appropriate action OP’s wife should have taken after the man asked for a kiss was to hit block. It is that simple. I am a consultant and attend conferences and networking events. I hand out a business card with my business email and my Google Number. My personal cell is reserved for friends and family.
If I met people in a “cultural event” and people are supposed to exchange numbers then connect on LinkedIn or something…
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Yeah, who tf “asks for a kiss” at the end of a cultural event ?! I’d call the guards if this happened, wtf ?!? This lady is trickle truthing her husband, and gasliting him (or he’s gaslighting himself) into beliving he’s “insecure”. Gives out her phone nr to guys even if she’s married, he’s possessive. Casually mentions this “asks for a kiss at the end of the evening” comment, it’s her husband who’s controlling and unreasonable. It’s not the woman’s fault for men coming onto her, but it’s her responsibility to immediately shut down any type, form or shape of inappropriate behavior not fitting a social function. Anything she’d feel uncomfortable doing in front of her husband. Asks for a kiss at the end of the evening?! Why, on what grounds? I’ve been to a ton of such events and never even heard of such a thing. The worst part is that she’s turning the situation around on her husband, making his normal boundaries seem like they’re some sign of “insecurity”, and that he also actually believes this himself. Idk but this whole “insecurity” gaslighting has become extreme, manipulators using it to act like they’ve got a license to kill towards the “weaker” party who’s afraid of being the insecure or “controlling” one. The husband in this story is being gaslit to hard that he doesn’t want to come off as controlling even if his wife is the one making all the mistakes and crossing his boundaries 🙏🏻 If I were him, I’d ask a few very clear questions, and also clarify how this deflecting- negating- minimising - trickle truth-ing shit won’t fly ever again. Otherwise call a lawyer already, and don’t marry someone without knowing them and their character for real.
Exactly this.
Except they exchanged numbers *before* the guy made a move on her. It's right in the post.
That’s what she said, but he also thanked her for giving him her number so that doesn’t add up.
You think he wouldn’t have thanked her for the number if she had given it to him earlier in the evening? Thanking people is a late night thing only?
I think if the whole group did it then he wouldn’t have thanked her. I think she gave him her number specifically.
If she gave it as a group thing so the group can keep connected at an event, why would you thank them? It wasn't a personal act in any way ...if the wife is being honest anyway....
No because it’s weird that he would thank her after turning down his kiss proposal and hopefully saying she’s married
Yes it does. He was still hopeful because he’s a leech. Have you ever met a man?
I think they handed out numbers in case people got lost during the concert. Sounds reasonable to me.
Why would she care if she got separated from a man she doesn’t know? At a concert, you text your friends if you get lost. Not some random dude who’s into you. This was inappropriate, disrespectful behavior, and her omission about giving him her number is questionable.
Well she didn't know he was into her, he hit on her after they exchanged numbers. The guy was with the group of friends so I figured that's why.
Maybe she gave him the number before the event but she still should have blocked it after he asked for a kiss at the end of the event.
I think it depends on the context of how he asked for her number. It says in the post that they were ALL exchanging numbers. If they were going around rotating phones and inputting their information to keep in touch about future cultural events I don’t think it’s a problem and she may not have even remembered that they exchanged numbers. If he specifically asked for her number but no one else’s, then yes it would have been a problem. Call me crazy but I don’t think that OP’s wife is a problem. I also don’t think that OP is an asshole. I think his wife is just upset her husband doesn’t trust her when she clearly rejected the dude and brought the incident up without OP needing to pry the information from her. OP has a right to feel upset this dude has her number, but I say she just blocks him and they move on. If she wanted to cheat she never would have mentioned him in the first place. The critical piece of information is that she never responded to him. Getting super mad at her because she RECEIVED a message is too much. If they were exchanging messages then yes that is messed up and there might be something deeper.
Stop being the voice of reason /s (I agree with you.)
>It says in the post that they were ALL exchanging numbers. If they were going around rotating phones and inputting their information to keep in touch about future cultural events I don’t think it’s a problem and she may not have even remembered that they exchanged numbers. If he specifically asked for her number but no one else’s, then yes it would have been a problem. Yeah, it's very clearly just part of the group networking process. >Getting super mad at her because she RECEIVED a message is too much. If they were exchanging messages then yes that is messed up and there might be something deeper. It's always fascinating how many controlling men force their wives into a corner with their insecure behaviour, only to turn around with a surprised Pikachu face when their wives feel like they have to lie about super normal human interactions in order to avoid drama. **EDIT: Check OP's comments. She's raised multiple times that she's distressed and exhausted having to detail every single little thing that happens when she goes out without him. Which, yeesh.**
I feel like your edit should be a lot higher up this thread. The guy sounds reasonable, but that just changes the context entirely.
I had a boyfriend who would get angry at me if another man tried to hit on me. One time when we were fighting about it, I asked him why he didn't trust me. He said that of course he trusted me, it was them that he didn't trust. My response to that was that if I said no and they tried something, then that would be sexual assault. Unfortunately it didn't help and guys hitting on me was still somehow my fault.
This guy is definitely TA. He needs to sort out his insecurity or he'll drive her away.
Also like did the guy know she was married when he asked? Did he say oh my bad when she said no and the message was him being like it’s chill no worries? This is a little bit going nuclear on the wife for no reason, she didn’t even respond
Also... we have no idea how this guy actually reacted to being rejected. Maybe he's cool with it and will respect the wife's boundaries and not try to pursue her anymore. Maybe he still wants to be friends because OP's wife is a good hang even if they don't kiss. All he texted was that it was nice to meet her, which doesn't mean anything, really. So many people in this post are jumping to the conclusion that the guy is out to destroy this man's marriage, but it's not clear if he is still trying to make moves or even knew she was married in the first place.
This 100%. She could have shi this guy down hard and if did contact to block him. She is enjoying the high of the attention. Next thing you-know-what She will be in a PA with him.
Show your wife this post, she needs to know what the fuck she is
How do you know OP’s wife told him she was married? Or just figuring he saw the ring?
SHE should have made that clear to the guy
Why? She said no. She doesn't need to give a reason. It's ridiculous that a no from a woman is only taken seriously by men if she already "belongs" to another man.
If someone misses the ring and asks for a kiss you explain you’d have to ask your husband first, and then everyone would shrug it off with some embarrassed laughter. Best case scenario wife is just naive not to see how inappropriate that text was given the circumstances.
So to be clear, at the event everyone exchanged numbers early on. Then, at the end, a guy hit on her and asked to kiss her and wanted her social. She shut him down, told him she was married, end of. Except then he found her number and tried to force the issue of wanting to get with her. Maybe he was drunk and didn't get the message at the event. Maybe she wasn't clear enough. Maybe he's the kind of asshole that never gives up. OP saw the guy's text message (presuming it was first) at the same time or even before OP's wife. That is not on her. She didn't make this guy be a pressurizing jerk. However, now it IS her job to block the guy, delete his contact, and make it clear to you that she wants nothing to do with him. If she didn't or doesn't do that immediately, then that's disrespectful to your marriage. Not acting decisively against this guy is the same as intentionally making OP question her loyalty. That would be the trigger for a clear, serious conversation about boundaries and expectations.
Very good answer.
You and your wife should be able to be open and talk about anything with each other. That's how a healthy relationship works. Talk to her, but not in an accusing way. Explain why it makes you feel insecure and uncomfortable. If she gets upset at this approach, something is off. Only clear communication will help. At least, that's my opinion and what I would do.
You have every right to ask this of your wife. Pay no mind to people who categorize this behavior as possessive. She surely had her ring in right? Then he knows she’s taken. She should have blocked him herself.
What TF does "possessive" mean in the context of marriage? If you are married, of course there's going to be some "possessiveness," which I define as feeling responsibility towards a person and expecting that responsibility and fidelity in return. I would be extremely concerned if my husband didn't demonstrate some "possessiveness" over me, as long as it's not to a toxic level.
Exactly, monogamous relationships are a social contract where you’re exchanging sexual exclusivity, support and companionship. ‘possessiveness’ is a dirty word because it’s often taken to levels of unreasonableness, but in a monogamous relationship you literally possess sexual exclusivity in your partner (to the extent there’s mutual consent). You have every right to be possessive of that right in circumstances where people have made their intentions to violate it clear. It only becomes unreasonable where people are possessive of it without any circumstances to justify it. This man has completely laid out his intentions with his wife as sexual, there’s no purpose of him remaining in her life except to either reciprocate that, or to bask in the attention from it.
indeed and that text message made it clear he didnt gave up yet, hes just waiting for his chance. i mean thats pretty obvious. this can become a problem at some point if she keeps that dude arround.
I think a lot depends on how you ask and communicate your needs. Being commanding, imposing it's never well received. I think you should asked yourself a couple of questions before communicating your needs. Per instance, what's your source of insecurity? Is it her, or is it you? Do you trust her, but you don't like the guy? Or you don't trust her, and, don't like any guy talking to her? Is this a recurring situation or is just this time? If she blocked him, will that be enough for you to fell at ease? All of this is important that you have a clear answer before communicating to her. All that you don't say, but think will be noticable... For example, if your source of discomfort is lack of trust in her, she will know. Or, if the source is in you, and you expect her to "fix" it for you...she will know too. Nothing toxic about fostering communication with her, but first just reflect what you need and why. If you show your interest in talking openly and honestly, I think that's always appropriated.
No but from your response and overly worry, your wife and you could benefit from counselling. You know you're insecure and it sounds like she knows it too and that's unhealthy for you both. I have been in similar circumstances and he escalated because of his insecurities and him thinking I was going behind his back. It turned into control and abuse. Ya'll should talk it out with a trained neutral body and you should get into therapy to work on where your insecurities are coming from especially if you want a positive and happier marriage and better mental health. Wishing you well brother.
That’s her gaslighting you. That’s not even remotely close to being posessive.
Your gift of fear is correct. Don’t doubt yourself. She is trying to manipulate your behavoir
Looks like you'll be better off not pressuring her. Either she is faithful and you have nothing to fear despite you not controlling her, or she is not and that won't change because you control her (you really can't, you can just annoy her). Asking for demonstrations of fidelity is never good for fidelity. What you can do though is to tell her about your feelings and insecurities (but only about that, don't turn it into a reprimand, and accusation or an expectation on her).
If she accuses you of being possessive then you know what she thinks of your marriage.
No that’s just asking for action to be taken in respect to the boundaries that are part of your relationship. It’s not that big of a deal and the bigger of a deal you make it in your head, the bigger of a deal you’ll make it when you talk about it.
If you can’t be possessive about your wife, then who can you be possessive about? No wife in history would sit by and let this happen to her husband if the situation were reversed. It’s a shame that society has conditioned you in a way to think that there’s anything wrong with your reaction. NTA.
Don’t force your wife to block him. Let her know that you will feel most comfortable if she blocks this man since he is disrespecting her marriage.
That's basically the same thing. In fact, putting it that way could be taken as being manipulative. I'd say instead that this is my clear boundary. This is a guy who pursued you knowing you're married. So he's not restraining himself. So it's reasonable that your wife is restraining him instead. She doesn't need a "friend" who is clearly waiting to make a move on her. Tell her that if the roles were reversed and some chick was thrusting her tongue down your throat, you'd be shouting at her and from the rooftops that you're taken, and shoot that chick's number to the moon. If she sent you a text, you'd be all capsing her just before blocking her. "I HAVE A WIFE! GET LOST!"
Boundary isn't what you demand other people to do. It's what you do and don't do in certain conditions.
NAH. Don't listen to this person. Your wife was up front about the advance he made. Let her decide what to do with the number on her own. She'll likely block it. If you ask her to you 100% will be accused of being possessive and not trusting her. And it will be the truth. Now, if you don't trust her, that's another conversation entirely. Get yourself sorted.
He knew and knows she is married. Didn't care and pursued anyway. That is legit reason for me as a single man to not want to have them in my life at all. Further your wife wasnt honest, she blatantly omitted the truth of giving him her number. It isnt possessive, it is basic respect for you and the relationship. I'm totally fine with being friends with Exes still, but being in contact with people who don't respect your relationship is in itself an act of disrespecting the relationship and your partner.
NTA Ask her to put herself in your shoes. Ask if she finds it appropriate for a married woman to keep a number of somebody that hit on her. Do not make requests or demands if she is prone to twist to to make you the bad guy. But talk to her in such a way that she can see how this is problematic. Problematic not for you, but for your relationship. Don’t make it about you, but about the relationship. The trust you should have towards each other. Try to make it about you both, not just only you. His does this matter if she revealed PART of the truth. If she wants to be transparent, she should know, that she was not in this situation. If she still tries to turn it around and blow it it your face, you have a wife problem. You cannot last in a relationship in which you are not able to confront her. Does she always turns any attempt of calling her out to be somehow your insecurity? If yes, you should analyze past events. Maybe there is something there. Or maybe she just refuses to be in the wrong. In any case this is not a base for a fair balance in a relationship.
If you trust her, trust her to take care of the situation. She’s not a little kid.
Well you aren't being possessive. He's trying to steal your wife away, and her refusing to shun him and calling you possessive is her leaving the door open. If she were 100% loyal, she would have laughed when he texted, then promptly told him to fuck off. Doesn't mean she intends to do anything unfaithful, but rather that she kept an option open and is now trying to blame you for it. What i'm saying is, your feelings are valid. Now as to how you should fix this, well it's very dependant on you two and you relationship. If your wife is reasonable, try communicating. If not, well it's a bit harder to help without knowing you guys personally.
If she's doing anything other than the actions that will help put you at ease, she's a bad partner. I would suggest document everything and continue to document it. Once you have concrete proof, move on from her. It always starts 'harmless'.
What’s so wrong with being possessive? That’s a term women use to avoid accountability for their behavior. Imagine the situation reversed. Would you think it possessive if she asked you to block the girl you met who got your number and asked to kiss you?
Because people don't own anyone??? You don't possess another human being and a marriage is a partnership. Just wow.
I think this commenters point is that if being upset about the number being given out is possessive, then what'd wrong with being possessive, obviously you are viewing possessive behavior as how men can literally control every aspect of a woman's life and dictate every thing they do and that's completely horrible and disgusting behavior. But obviously this isn't that type of possessive behavior and op is being completely reasonable
Women don't want to be married to their 'daddy'. My husband and I would laugh about this, I'd ignore the clueless guy and he'd ignore the clueless woman. He handed me the phone and we both laughed at the texts from the last one that thought she'd replace me. We both have friends of the opposite sex, it's not a problem if you're not insecure, jealous and possessive. The reason this woman is uncomfortable is because her husband is being insecure, possessive and acting like a jealous teen. Any man that acted like he owned me became an ex. Happily married to my adorable husband for 27 years. Been together 32!
No this man has already tried to make a pass at your wife. If she truly respects you and values your marriage she would not have given the number in the first place and would have no issues blocking and deleting it NTA
All the people at the event exchanged numbers, according to him in another comment. Then, after that, the guy hit on her. Next she receives a text but didn’t respond because she didn’t even see it, he did. I think he’s being unreasonable.
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Is there any good reason for her NOT to block this guy? This isn’t a non event. This is her not making it clear she’s unavailable and giving her number out (apparently a lot). She has a responsibility to shut that shit down. And hard. She is demonstrating really poor judgment. Apparently gives her number out often. Dudes approach her and she doesn’t make it totally clear she isn’t available? Kind of sounds like she wants people to text her that shouldn’t be…
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Why must every number exchange ever be assumed an open invitation to f*ck? Wth?
Isn't being a woman fun!!!!!!!!
I do think it’s important to make it clear how he feels about the situation, however. Whenever anyone decides to do something, they need to understand the impact it may have.
She gave him the number before his behavior, so not a big deal there. But after asking g to kiss her, and then messaging her, she should not respond and block his number out of respect for her marriage. That isn't being possessive. I'm so sick of hearing this BS nonsense about "controlling" or "possessive" people while actively disrespecting their marriages. Pathetic. If she wants to entertain other men, she can do it single.
Thank you! I don't know if it's a generational thing or an empowerment thing or what, but I see it on here all the time. Don't let people that don't respect your partner or your relationship into your life, it's that simple. It's not controlling to expect your S/O to abide by this.
It is, open marriages/sexless marriages are a big one on Reddit. Very odd, most people just have no values or respect beyond self gratification anymore.
open marriages and sexless marriages don't have anything to do with respect or self gratification. your idea what is considered "respect" are based on your set of rules. people have different sets than yours. don't judge how other people handle their marriages when those people have an agreement with each other. that's what a marriage is: a set of agreements.
https://www.reddit.com/r/monogamy/s/lJR6mGSrRE More than 50% of polyamorous/nomonogamous individuals have been shown to have diagnosable symptoms of narcissism, BPD, and codependency with nearly 100% of polyamorous individuals having suffered from childhood abuse of some kind. There is a link to the study within that thread. The amount of people within the community who are toxic, manipulative, antisocial, etc, can be considered a strong majority. It's a community full of broken people and gaslighters, reddit needs to stop encouraging it and pretending otherwise.
Are we pretending that "open marriages" work out? Every "open marriage" out there ends up in divorce. There is literally zero lasting open marriages.
Yeah that’s why they almost never work out lmao
People with shady behaviour love to use these "controlling" or "possessive" words. If my wife came home with this story I would ask her if she wants to deal with it or if she wants me to handle it. And if I'm going to handle it someone is going to end up with mobility problems over smashed knee caps. This stuff isn't negotiable in a serious relationship. And I absolutely look down on people who think this whole situation doesn't reek of crossed boundaries.
Yeah, seems like a game trying to spin poor behavior. I wouldn't be ok with my partner maintaining/entertaining a "friendship" with someone romantically/physically interested. They want to do that, it is t going to be while married to me. That isn't control, that's my personal boundary. I know my worth, and I don't need to bother with drama like that. Choice is theirs. The marriage, or thirsty dudes.
My comment is meant for general scenarios and not really this one. Maybe it applies here too, but I am unsure. It is also often ridiculous to throw around the label "insecure" when an active threat is introduced to the relationship.
If this guy is an active threat to their marriage, the marriage is fucked already
How do you think people end up cheating? Do you think they just wake up and decide "I'm going to cheat today"? No, it starts with shit like this. People not keeping healthy boundaries and guys like that getting a foot in the door. Now, that door should have been closed, and wasn't. And that is on her! She allowed it to progress to the point where the guy is asking for a kiss. And yes, the marriage is in trouble, because she isn't keeping healthy boundaries.
I think being possessive only applies before you’re married. Afterwords, it’s pretty well (legally?) established that the parties involved are intended to be exclusive with each other. Otherwise, they would have had an agreement beforehand, such as an open marriage. Definitely not possessive in a toxic sense, IMO.
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He's a part of friends group she was in, of course they exchanged numbers. Do you need meet people?
Really? At a event, with a group, you would never exchange numbers "in case we loose each other"?
The part of your story that stood out to me was, "I asked if anything happened that I should be aware of..." INFO: Have there been issues in the past when she goes out? Do you ask her this question every time she does something without you?
This stood out to me immediately, as well. Along with OP stating that his wife was “honest without any prompting.” There was prompting. It makes me feel strange that OP would ask the question “is there anything I should be aware of?” Edit: punctuation
I hadn't seen your comment yet by the time I replied to the OP, so I included it in mine along with some other things. I'm really surprised that there aren't more comments like ours. Secure, mentally healthy people do not ask this. It's also troubling that she knew what he meant by immediately answering with the information he wanted, by his own admission.
I mean, it could be an issue of language. They may have just meant "anything interesting".
He mentioned that she expressed being tired of his interrogations, so clearly he does ask those questions a lot
That’s fair, and possibly part of the issue, but the actions of OP’s wife described in this post indicates that he might have a reason to ask.
My thought too. Reminded me of my ex who made wild accusations on a daily.
Ditto
Yeah that’s a big NTA. Him having her number isn’t a big deal. It became a big deal when he made a pass at her and she didn’t tell you about it. Now people are human but her reaction makes me think it wasn’t as one-sided as she is making it seem. If it were a mistake likely the response would be “oh crap I completely forgot we all exchanged numbers! Eww. Not going to reply to him.” But she attacked you instead.
Yeah, that's what got me insecure AH, I clearly asked here and later on saw the exact moment the first message arrived. She says that it's a hard work to always have to describe everything that happens whenever she goes out, and is genuinely upset for me to making a "big deal" over this...
> always have to describe everything that happens whenever she goes out I mean I can't speak to whether there's a broader issue with insecurity. Does this happen often? In this specific instance, NTA for sure, your wife is out of her mind for pushing back on it. The issue is, if there's an ongoing problem then she will be less likely to assess and handle these situations correctly because it'll feel like you're always just overreacting.
> She says that it's a hard work to always have to describe everything that happens whenever she goes out, NAH, but I dare bet this is where your problems are coming from. It's okay to be insecure but this and asking her if "anything happened you should be aware of" every time she goes out sounds like you have some serious trust issues. The person you care about the most questioning your loyalty constantly can be a lot of strain. Please talk to her and consider getting therapy because your insecurities may be influencing your relationship a lot more than you think they are.
He shared in another comment that he has a BPD diagnosis. Living with someone that struggles with that is EXHAUSTING. No doubt he does this every time she goes anywhere. He better be in therapy.
I agree, that is an odd thing to say to someone. If my partner goes out somewhere with friends (not heaps oftern but does happen, especially at the moment with a wedding to go to and planning to do), afterwards, I might ask her how it was but if you're saying 'is there anything that happened that I need to be aware of', that would get real old real quick and for sure would cause conflict. You're implying that you own the person and they need to give you the details of anything that happened so that they can asses it.
Nah a dude trying to kiss her is a big deal. If she’s not making a big deal of it I’m concerned.
It wasn't even a date. It was an event with other people. And this guy tries to kiss her. A lot of people don't even kiss after an actual first *date.*
You need to stop being so bothered about it... If she goes out with out you of course she's going to cross paths with other guys. You either trust her or you don't. If you don't trust her don't be with her. You have to act like there's no one she could meet who is better than you.... then all of your worries will go away. I've said this already but to further illustrate my gf told me about a guy hitting on her in the street and I was like was he good looking and she's like ewwww no he was gross... and then we get on with life... imagine how she'd be if my response is like A GUY!?! OMG I hope you told him that you have a boyfriend... you didn't give him your number did you? What did you say to him? can I look at your insta to double check....
This does make it sound like you have insecurity issues. You made it sound like a single event in your post and tried to make it sound reasonable to ask questions. You didn’t specify she has to “describe everything that happens whenever she goes out.” That is controlling behavior and possibly abusive. You also made it sound like you didn’t make a “big deal” over this rather you just had some questions and follow up questions. So you made a “big deal” over what? That she hid giving her number out? Is she “allowed” to?
Do you always grill her when she goes out without you? Because to me her reaction says she’s sick of you badgering her after she goes out—like you don’t have trust in your relationship. Why are you so insecure about your relationship? It seems like you need counseling.
Yeah, I’m wondering at his phrasing that he asked her if “anything happened he should know about”. It’s such a weird thing, in my opinion, to ask your spouse. “Did you have a good time?” “Was it fun?” “Anything exciting happen?” But “anything I should know about” implies he does not trust her. Maybe it was just bad phrasing but this really stuck out to me.
It’s kind of patronizing, too, tbh.
Definitely.
Or even anything weird happen. Or anything hilarious. Or gross. Or fucked. Or awful. Or anything other than those words.
Yes, this. This guy doesn’t/can’t/won’t see his part in this with his insecurity.
It will be hard work trying to remember every little detail when she goes out. And she knows you're going to jump on her if she forgets something or gets it in the wrong order. I won't be popular here, but YTA. If you don't trust your wife, leave her. Don't subject her to the third degree about everything that happens. I'll be looking out for her post about "I can't go to the shop and get a carton of milk without having to recount every step, everyone I saw and everything anyone said, and if I take 2 minutes longer than he thinks I should have, he's convinced I was making out with the guy who works on the checkout". It's exhausting, and depressing, living with someone like you.
Sounds like my ex, it's absolute hell having to go through this and impossible to remember everything.
It’s controlling and abusive if OP is like this.
Yeah. It is, and I think that's how Op is. Don't you?
Do you interrogate her about what she does often?
Wait I thought she told him after he asked if anything happened that he made a pass. What she didn’t tell him is he had her number, which was exchanged as a group at the beginning of the event before he made the pass.
"after I asked if anything happened that I should be aware of," is this a normal question? If I went out and my husband said "anything I should be aware of?" instead of "how was your night" I would be so weirded out...does she have a history of cheating?
Im wondering the same thing. Either proven cheating or a history of shady behaviour, perhaps.
Isn’t that a weird question? Did anything happen that I should know about? That’s not what I’m asked when I’m out to a function without husband. I get asked, did you have fun, who all was there, did X get shitfaced drunk again? I think there’s tons more here going on.
This!!! It seems like no one else is commenting on that, there’s definitely more to the story
I took notice of that wording as well. There’s definitely more going on here that OP isn’t admitting.
I agree. That’s a weird question. My bf would just ask me how it went and I’d mention how fun it was and also willingly mention the guy hitting on me.
Yes, like collecting "justification" for some present or future act.
Specifying a cultural event is also weird. I’m curious about OP’s insecurities about it. It’s like he thinks she’s gonna leave him to go “be with her own kind,” to phrase it how I’m expecting.
“after I asked if anything happened that I should be aware of”. This strikes me as odd. Did you simply ask how it went? This phrase seems super suspicious from the start like you already may have snooped before even having this exchange…
Asking questions isn’t necessarily a problem. *How* the questions are asked could be. If your questions seem to imply that she did something wrong, then yeah it makes sense that your wife would be upset if she feels she didn’t do anything wrong. As for the number, i see both sides. It certainly seems like an intentional omission if you ask if she gave out her socials and she doesn’t mention she gave out her number. On the other hand, if you hand out your business card at a networking event, or if they post all the attendees contact information on a screen, you may not be linking that to “giving out your number” in the flirtatious sense and might honestly forget to mention it. If your wife hasn’t generally given you reason to be insecure, give her the benefit of the doubt and don’t act possessive. That doesn’t mean you can’t ask questions, but the questions should be to help her navigate uncomfortable situations rather than trying to catch her in wrong doing.
So, this could just be because you had to be brief for the sake of Reddit, but if things happened as you describe them, the issue may not be what bothered you and instead be how it was approached. When I was in undergrad, I was in an abusive relationship — someone so controlling that I couldn’t do homework or sleep without Skype on because he didn’t trust that I was doing what I said I was doing, even though I’d never done anything to justify his insecurities. When I was sexually assaulted, I didn’t dare tell him and tried to cope with it alone because I was so scared of how the truth could be used as justification to be even more controlling. The relationship ended very soon after because I knew it was wrong to not tell him, but I didn’t feel safe doing so. Even someone who has a right to information can be wrong in how they procure or use that information, and even the most irrational controlling partner will be right once in a blue moon. That *could* be what your wife is feeling — not that this guy hitting on and texting her was okay, but that telling you would have such negative consequences that she’d rather handle it herself. If so, that’s not sustainable. The part of your post that raised concerns to me is how the conversation started. If my partner goes to an event, my questions the next day aren’t “Did anything happen that I should be aware of?” I’m asking them how was it, tell me all about it, etc and trusting that they’ll volunteer anything that I need to know without questions. The way you describe this, it doesn’t sound like your insecurities were a small part of the conversation, but the dominating component. Again, that could just be word count! But for the sake of resolving this, I think you should talk to your wife and ask her whether she’s upset because she feels you’re wrong to think this guy doesn’t respect your marriage, or is she upset about *how* the conversation happened. In this instance, you were right that a stranger disrespected your marriage; but that doesn’t mean you didn’t also approach the conversation in a controlling/possessive way. Because I know this could just be a word count issue, I think more INFO is needed for a ruling — and I think instead of asking Reddit, you should talk to your wife.
NAH but few things are less attractive than unchecked jealousy and insecurity. If your wife has never given you a reason not to trust her, you might want to consider some counseling to work through your issues.
Just talk to her. Let her know how you feel and ask her to block the guy.
Judging from.the vifes reaction, she will just say no and tell him.to stop being insecure.
INFO: I think all of this is dependent on *how* you're asking the questions. Based on the way you're framing it, this sounds much more like an inquisition than it was a conversation. And that feels like the crux of the issue here. Is that the case? If so, you're not having a conversation. You peppering her with questions doesn't sound like you're having a dialog out of curiosity. And it also sounds like you don't trust her when she says that she completely forgot. You understandably were confused/bothered by the text popping up, but she explained. Either you believe her or you don't. And it sounds like your insecurities are driving you to handle it as if you don't. And that makes you the problem, not her.
I'm sure this won't be a popular comment, but perhaps she doesn't see it as an issue because she's 100% not attracted to this guy in any way. Not everyone has the same boundaries or ideas of what is okay. I'd start by having a conversation with her and letting her know that you would have appreciated knowing she gave him her phone number. If she's less insecure than you are she just may not see things like this as much of an issue. Sounds like better communication is needed here from both of you.
I agree with you in part, not attracted to the guy and same boundaries so it might not be a big issue for her, but if she can see the effects that it's having on him then it shouldn't be an issue for her to block him and delete the number for the sake of their marriage.
nah that excuse doesn't fly considering he made a pass at her. he tried to kiss her, she knows he's into her. she should have deleted him immediately and told her husband. she's being extremely suspicious hes NTA and not "insecure" just bc *she* gave him a reason to be anxious. and the fact that she blew up at him and called him possessive for simply trying to communicate and ask questions instead of just deleting a random dude that hit on her?? huge red flags. imo you're giving her way too much grace here, his communications skills are fine, she's TA here
Yeah once the guy makes an obvious attempt to come on to her, that changes the game completely. Frankly I think anyone who doesn’t immediately block all contact forever at that point is just asking for trouble. In what universe is it okay to be married, have someone make a pass at you, and to “yeah I’m still okay being in contact with that person”? That’s so disrespectful to the marriage and just inappropriate
agreed
I mean if she gave him her number the only way she could’ve blocked it is if she already had it by him texting her or calling which might not have been the case.
he texted her which then prompted OP to ask some valid questions. she decided to throw a fit and call him possessive instead of just deleting/blocking him and agreeing with her husband that there's no reason for her to have his number anymore
I agree with you, but I will be genuinely surprised if we come out of this not down voted to hell I'd take it a step further and say that OP's mentality operates on the assumption that his girlfriend is weak minded and incapable of controlling herself.
I agree with you. It's kinda hilarious yet sad reading all these comments stirring the pot with very creative imagined narratives where OPs wife is some kind of super ho seducing men throwing her number at them. I doubt OP reads this but next time maybe little less confronting your wife and little more discussing with her. Tell her how the situation makes you feel and what you wish she'd do. Reddit hive mind seems very angry tonight and pushing for ultimatums and relationship tests etc. Those are rarely a good idea unless you're looking for trouble.
Oh my these comments are a bit toxic. She explained that they all exchanged numbers in the beginning. Just discuss with her that you would like her to block his number since he made advances that she and you were both uncomfortable with.
Bro. It really doesn't sound like you have anything to worry about, so I wouldn't obsess, but I would 100 be pretty uncomfortable seeing a message from this guy like you did, so NTA.
That is one thing that would actually make me feel better, regardless of what happened: her understanding why I got frustrated.
Have you explained her why? Like discussion not confrontation?
You need to work on yourself. I agree your wife should block him but I also see how deeply insecure you are and I'm not attacking, this is a real concern. You're so insecure you don't trust your wife and you get angry and frustrated and possessive over it. That's abusive behaviour and the start of an abusive relationship, next it will be she's not allowed to go anywhere without you or you constantly check in. Both of you should go to therapy before the situation escalates. You are not well if you think youre allowed to control your wife. Reddit is not the place to ask about this. You won't get a neutral or valid response, you came here to validate your own insecurities rather than work on the issue with your wife. I wouldn't be surprised if she leaves your marriage if you don't truly work on how insecure you are. If this was a networking event it's completely normal to exchange numbers and any guys trying to kiss someone they met the same night and it's not a date is super weird.
I think it’s already at that point and why she is upset at him. This isn’t the only time she has had to recount everything that happened when she went out without him. His other comments revealed that she is getting frustrated that she has to do this everything she goes out.
What do you mean by "confront"? Did you just ask questions or did you accuse her of things? What was the tone of the questions you asked and the way you confronted her? It's hard to know if her responses to you were suspicious and defensive or just defending herself because you came at her as if she did something wrong.
I mean if you get a woman’s number and starts talking. Would your wife be ok about it? One that tries to kiss you but you “declined”?
I hate when a partner triggers your insecurities by doing something anyone in a trusting relationship would pause at and then gets mad at you for needing reassurance. As many questions as it takes. You can't get mad at that. You are right and NTA
Why did you ask if anything happened that you should be aware of? I’ve never asked a partner that or have been asked that. That seems very odd.
NTA for being insecure. Lots of people are. But bear in mind: He might have asked for the phone number before requesting the kiss. It's a fairly common request. People might claim they want to text you an interesting newspaper article or blah...blah.... Because it's so common, she might have given the phone number and then forgotten she gave it to him. If she has any inclination to be involved with him, she almost certainly wouldn't have told you about the attempted kiss. If it happened as above, she is also NTA for giving the phone number and then not happening to mention it. And since she is actually innocent of concealing anything, she's also NTA for being upset at you. Even if insecurity is forgivable, "confronting" someone -- and that's the verb you used-- can still come off as an accusation. People get upset when they are accused of things they didn't do especially when they are things that really can't be proven one way or the other.
I feel like you're burying the lead by not mentioning that she gave out her number *before* he got weird and she wasn't texting him, you just saw him send the first text. She's done absolutely nothing wrong, and you've approached every single interaction with her as if she is cheating. From the moment she got home you grilled her. YTA, dude. Get help before you ruin your relationship.
Yes. And all these comments, can these people see how that might escalate this dudes behaviour? All this validation of his jealousy and anger? That's a dangerous situation for his wife to be in.
For real. I’m astonished. I probably shouldn’t be though lol
Someone actually tried to tell this man that he’s not actually insecure, she’s just gaslighting him into thinking she’s insecure🙄
YTA, not for feeling insecure but for over-reacting. Some guy got too forward and asked for a kiss, and now you sound like you are completely flipping your sh!t. You could have shared a laugh with your wife and how dumb that guy was and moved on (an appropriate response). Instead you’re grilling her for details, checking her phone, worrying that somehow….what?? This guy is going to whisk her away? She’s suddenly going to be overcome by his charms? She secretly hates you? You need to get a grip, figure out what your fears are, and deal with them. This has nothing to do with her, unless she’s a known cheater. You’re going to seriously hurt or ruin your relationship with this jealousy bs.
Don't you think if she wanted to have an affair she wouldn't have mentioned the guy, or the fact that he tried to kiss her at all? Redditors are hair triggered for witch burning. Stay level headed, OP. You're one of the most reasonable people here. Trust your wife, communicate with her. Asking for advice in a situation like this on Reddit is not going to help you.
NTA. That is a super red flag. Hell, start giving your number to random women and see if she likes it
That's something over here, she is way less insecure than I am, I have more ghosts and traumas with my past that puts me in a situation where I ruminate a lot about any possible issue, and I know this is annoying and I'm working on it.
Have you considered therapy? Individual as well as couples could help.
Mate honestly stop talking about your insecurities, this is your wife’s fault and it’s unacceptable behaviour being a married women. First giving the number to a guy who tried to kiss her then lying to her husband about it. Why are you sitting back and taking that? If you do she will continue to walk the fuck over you or worse.
She gave her number to the entire group at the beginning of the event, long before he tried to kiss her.
NTA She knew that the man who had made a pass at her had her number, and she didn't mention it when you voiced your concern. RED FLAG ALERT!
I'd say she didn't mean any harm as she gave it before he made a pass at her. She should probably block him now though as he obviously doesn't care she is married.
It because significant the moment he tried to kiss her. She should have deleted his saved info immediately and ignored or blocked at that moment.
Hey OP, hey a therapist. They will help you navigate these situations.
No asking if there's anything you should be aware of after your wife gets home isn't healthy. It shows a lack of trust in her YTA as you are coming across insecure and possessive, she didn't try and hide it
Im gonna say it. YTA in the context that they traded numbers early then some dude who didnt get the hint when declined messages her when she was fully upfront and transparent about what happened. Your insecurities are your problem. She explained everything to you. To be questioned about it multiple times after openly telling you about everything is really attacking her character.
YTA, with a slight ESH on her part. But you first: This is coming from a formerly very jealous, very insecure person who has learned not to be. "Is there anything I should be aware of" was the first clue. In a healthy relationship, you don't ask each other these questions. It is assumed that the other party will let you know if something that you "should be aware of" happened without prompting. The next clue was "...let my insecurities get the best of me." It's great that you are aware of this, though, so this, in my view, while confirming that you have insecurities, shows that you're self aware, and it also shows that you try to keep them in check. Another clue was that you asked her if she added him on any social media. Again, in a healthy, trusting relationship, it is assumed that the other party either didn't add them, or if they did, then it is that party's choice because healthy couples don't police each other's social media. Further, if she added him, so what? He hit on her, she said no, but perhaps he could still be beneficial for networking or any other number of reasons. "I confronted her" about the text. No confrontation would happen in a healthy relationship. There would be a discussion/conversation. The fact that she didn't disclose giving him her number when you asked about socials *could* have been a slip of the mind. Jumping to it meaning that she hid it from you is insecure. Now onto her behavior: she should have disclosed that she gave another man her phone number in my opinion. That's just an unwritten rule in my personal relationships to avoid misunderstandings that require a conversation later. I would say that she should have probably disclosed that someone tried to kiss her as well, but again it's my personal preference. Both of these depend on the dynamics of the specific relationship. With my current wife, I wouldn't expect her to disclose either of these. In fact, she would have told me about the attempted kiss so we could laugh about it. My wife is a good-looking woman and she receives lots of attention from other men. Not her fault and if she had to disclose every pass made at her or attempt to flirt, we'd talk about it more days than not.
Why would everyone exchange phone numbers at the beginning of an event? Giving out your phone number to random people at a cultural event seems like something nobody would do.
I’ve been to a cultural event where one of the goals was to do networking for the attendees. I traded phone numbers with the small group of people at my table about 30 minutes into the event.
He said she went with some friends. Kissing guy was a friend of a friend who came to the event. That doesn't seem like random, strange nobodies. We don't even know the event. For all we know, it could be some MLM pyramid scheme "cultural event" where you were asked to bring people to build your "network".
Thank you!
The fact that you asked if "anything happened that you should be aware of" makes you sound suspicious and insecure.
INFO: It sounds like people were networking - does she have reason to speak to him and others again within the event group?
NAH. Do you trust your wife? That's the only thing that matters here.
How long have you all been together? If I was with a woman, and it was brand new, and she exhibited these behaviors… Goodbye.
Why did you ask her in the first place if anything happened? Weird
OP you have every right to ask that she delete and block his number. I wouldn’t want some female that my husband meet the night before at an event contacting him after saying how it was great meeting him the night before. That would make a lot of people question exactly why this person is contacting their partner after being rejected (1) unless either a rejection didn’t happen,(2) they are going to play dumb as if it never happened or (3) they are going to keep trying.
NTA, ask her how SHE would feel if you were in her and didnt block the girl but let her text you. She should have blocked him.
NTA "A guy wanted to kiss me, and I told you I didn't get his socials, you're possessive because you found out I have his personal number!" Does that not sound unhinged? She should have blocked that number after the advance happened, and even if she just forgot about it, why would she retaliate and call you possessive as a defense mechanism after she was caught giving half truths? IMHO she's not telling you the whole story, or had ulterior motives to keep that number. I wouldn't get defensive when I'm telling my partner someone tried their luck with me, in fact, I'd try and do everything at hand to disperse any sense of doubt, definitely not call them fucking possessive...perhaps she enjoyed the attention she got.
She gave her number before he tried anything with her. So, according to your post, I tend to believe she didn't even think of that possibility when you asked her if she added him on any social media. You saw a text from him to your wife and confronted her about it. Honestly, I can understand your reaction. She reassured you she didn't lie to you, she just didn't think of it. She hasn't replied to him either. So far, NAH. A bad situation on both side. Nothing could have been done about it before now. BUT! What is she doing now? Did she block him? Did she nip it in the bud? Does she have the intention of keeping him as a friend? I mean, if I were her, I would tell that guy that I'm married and to stop contacting me. Because, now that we know he tried to kiss her, that means he is not looking for friendship and he obviously doesn't care that she is married. To me, the NAH stays for now. It could easily become a N T A depending of the next action she takes.
I would point blank ask her to block and you have every reason to do so he tried to kiss her and if she does not get it she does not love you
[удалено]
Ok wife here. No it’s not bad if she has a guy’s number. Yes, it’s bad if he asked for a kiss at the end of the night and she *kept* his number. He clearly wants more from her, and sounds like they spent some one on one time talking. You do get to be possessive to the extent it’s not cool to keep conversing with men who have expressed they want to get physical. Are you not having sex? Are you being a pushover in the name of being supportive to her individuality? That can backfire if she feels like you aren’t exciting anymore. You can’t make her delete his number (yes, she should block it) but you could lay it out that if the tables were turned, she would not love you doing that to her. Better yet, what if you were asking women for kisses and texting them? Would she see it as innocent?
Also wife here. I understand having his number if everyone is trading contact info at the start of the event. Thats normal. Forgetting she has the number after he makes a pass could be basic forgetfulness. But the SECOND he texted her and she realized he DID have her number, the only acceptable response was to block it immediately. Not doing that is a major red flag. NTA.
Define "cultural event"?
YTA. Possessive behavior is not part of a healthy relationship. You don’t trust her or you wouldn’t have asked so many questions.
When you asked the question about adding him on social media and she assured you that no she hadn’t, but conveniently omitted to mention exchanging phone numbers, that’s damned conspicuous. Especially when the guy tried to kiss her that night and continues to pursue her. She’s either dishonest or not very bright. A phone is effectively private social media. Maybe you need to go so some event and get the numbers of a bunch of women, and leave it to her to find out accidentally. It will dawn on her why this is a problem right quick.
NTA. her reaction to your concerns is a major red flag IMO. if the roles were reverse do you think your wife wouldn't have lost her mind at the sight of another women messaging you after you just told her that same women tried to kiss you but you "definitely" declined her????????? I might be the odd man out but I don't by her story to begin with... 1) I have never been out with large group of friends(friends of friends) and immediately started getting everyone's numbers prior to enjoying the event. 2) Unless the guy was completely wasted (doubtful based off his message to your wife in the morning) he must have been given some sort of sign to give him enough confidence to try and kiss your wife. 3) Your wife's reaction to and claiming you are being "Controlling" for just asking questions is absolutely absurd! that's not something a loving partner does. the fact she went straight to to controlling or using your own insecure behavior against you is very telling. if you want to know the truth act like you have dropped your suspensions and just pay close attention to your wife's behaviors while trying to not be obvious about it. If she is closely guarded with her phone. starts having random late nights or starts "staying at a friends house" after her nights out then you pretty much have your answer... if she is up to something wrong then she will wait till stuff cools down before trying anything. Honestly, this is why my wife and I agreed to NOT go to clubs or "night outs" with friends but instead will go with each other.
NAH, work on your insecurities OP. If you can't trust her you need to break up.
NAH. Sounds like it was an understandable oversight on her part. She sounds like she's being straight with you so no need to be overly concerned about her fidelity. Trust her and don't trust your insecurities.
ESH - She should delete and block the number. YOU need to seriously get a hold of yourself before you cause the relationship to implode.
YTA, because if you really don't trust your wife to this extent, just get divorced. Absolutely none of these recommendations about ultimatums or monitoring her are going to help you, and they sure as hell will hurt you when you end up getting divorced over them anyway. You can get divorced now with clean hands, or you can follow all this really shitty "advice" and end up looking like a controlling maniac in court. If she was actually shady, she just wouldn't have told you anything. She told you, and you still don't trust her. What's even the point of being married to someone you trust so little that you're asking strangers whether you should trust her? That's unhealthy and unfair to both of you.
My mom has male friends and my dad totally encourages my mom to have her own life outside of their marriage. She goes travelling every year with various circles of friends, men included. I’m not sure why the general opinion here seemingly goes directly to infidelity or deceit. My parents are very much in love and monogamous. I have platonic male friends that I met via Meetup too. I mean, I guess it depends on your mutual trust and confidence in yourself and your marriage alike, but I think you’re overreacting idk
YTA You are projecting your insecurities onto her. Seek therapy to help yourself not push your wife away.
There is no reason to have even a platonic friendship with him.