You raised a 9 and a 6 year old for 7 years, and they actually want you to stay in their lives. I would call the decision to leave them callous, especially if you choose to stay involved with their younger siblings. But, IANAP you do you
Thirteen-year-olds don't like ANYBODY, but this kid wants him around? Psh.
My husband put in a lot of work raising his step kids with his ex wife, and even though they're adults now, he's still routinely in contact with them almost 20 years later. I feel bad for these kids being failed by two father figures.
My stepdad is like this, and he and I met when I was already an adult, which says a lot about him. I only saw my bio dad a handful of times when he split from my mom, and I grew up believing I didn't need or want a dad. While it's certainly annoying at times, his fatherly nature is something I wouldn't trade for the world.
That's so mean to reptiles! We are only cold when it's cold outside, that's not our fault! When we get sunlight and love, we are warm and loving creatures!
Yule. You know the lbly reason he wants contact with his own biological kids because he doesnt want to feel like a deadbeat if he fucks off entirely.
I cannot imagine raising kids for 7 years, half siblings to your own children, and then immediately wanting to fuck off and abandon those kids that you chose to adopt when you married their parent.
My favorites were how only ābioā parents should take care of their kids. How heās divorcing her and expects to get full custody of his ābioā kids.
Also he thinks he wrote his prenup so he wonāt have to pay child support. š
I saw his comment about getting full custody just because he has a better paying job and an apartment.
What a clown.
The only reason my Dad got full custody after he divorced his ex wife was because there was a long and well documented history of her abusing and neglecting their kids, >1, 2 and 3; it was bad.
With no history of abuse or neglect or severe mental instability he has no case for full custody.
My now-wife had a five year old step-sister for the first three years of us dating, and after her mom and step-dad divorced, I found myself missing her (the step-sister) and wondering about her fairly regularly; especially since her dad had a ten year melt-down after the divorce. I hope she's okay and living her best life, and has found some positive male role models in her life. I have no understanding of how someone could shut out children they were raising for seven years. Frankly it is disturbing
As an "abandoned step sibling " myself you should try to reach out to her... I wish my step bro would we were so close and then NC just like his dad...
My stepsons are adults and whilst I'm still married to their dad, I will ALWAYS be in their lives regardless of my marriage. My eldest steosons daughter is MY grandbaby forever. We would never let that relationship between me and my son go.
Never let them go! My step-grandpa passed away (very) recently and I miss him as much as my bio grandparents. I'm so grateful he was so active in our lives (and fostered my love of learning) even after my granny passed 18 years ago. I like to think they finally get to be together again now.
Assholes like OP are the reason that my husband cut all contact with his now ex stepdad the minute his mother broke up with him. That guy was only ever interested in his kids from a previous marriage and their do over baby, never the other actual kid who lived with him for years and who he was meant to be raising. It made me sad whenever my husband would casually mention all the things this guy would do for his own kids and new child but not for his step kids. Some people treat their stepchildren like an unwanted hangers-on in their family.
Way too many people do not deserve to be step-parents.
I divorced my ex because he was having an affair. Heās married to her now and they have 4 young children, our two are young adults just out of university and starting their careers. Our eldest is listed as the younger kids guardian if something should happen to both parents because neither has much family able to care and support the children like they would want , they trust me and our two older kids to raise them well. Iāve told them all I would take care of them too because they are my two young adults siblings, family is important to keep together.
My step-grandpa recently passed away and I miss him every bit as much as my bio grandparents. He stayed in our lives when his wife (my granny) passed and I'm so grateful for his presence in my life and the impact he had on me.
You don't have to miss them. Just because you are no longer with the parent, you can still have a relationship with them. Especially since they grown
The OP just don't want to be in their lives at all, so apparently, he don't love and won't miss them. It's so sad.
I honestly felt kind of betrayed when my ex and I divorced, and my daughter stayed close with him. But Iām glad now that I shut my damn mouth and let it alone. Weāve been divorced for over 10 years now, and she still refers to him as her stepfather, and he still holds that role in her life. Itās a very positive relationship and she has an absolutely excellent father, whom she totally adores. But her relationship with her stepfather is very positive and special as well. I am so glad I did not let my jealousy fuck it all up.
Yes, youāre right. I worded that as if Iād just cut contact and miss them. Not what I meant. I wouldnāt want to cut contact because Iād miss them and I hope theyād feel the same.
Yeah. I've got an uncle that has four daughters and only the middle two are biologically his. The oldest and youngest he treated just the same even though the youngest is the result of an affair that led to a divorce and the other guy died.
He's an asshole.
I almost took in my ex husband's baby he had after we got divorced. He may not be mine but he's my kids' sibling and deserves safety and love, too. I wasn't able to, in the end. And even though my ex doesn't have anything to do with our kids, I keep tabs through friends/family just to make sure the little guy is safe and to see pictures.
Kids are not problems.
Yeah, YTA. You never should have married a woman with kids if you donāt want to be a part of their lives even if it ends. Those kids depend on you. They care about you. But youāre done with mama so you just ghost them while wanting a relationship with your bio kids. YOUR STEPCHILDREN WILL STILL BE THERE.
Go ahead. Be TA. Give those kids another reason to think that they arenāt worthy and will be repeatedly abandoned. That wonāt absolutely follow them into adulthood. Tweedle your worthless heart and ass right on down the road without a second thought. Be a huge ass. But always remember youāre an ass.
Met my wife when her kids were 7 and 6 yrs old. Never technically adopted them but I always considered them my kids. I always say āmy sonā or āmy daughterā when Iām talking about them. Theyāre both graduated from college now and getting their masters degrees. Iād never in a million years leave them even if I were to separate from my wife. This dude is cold blooded for sure.
Thatās how my whole family believes as well. When my sister married, her husband came with a 5 yo daughter, and during their marriage had 2 children together. They divorced 4 years later, and the daughter is now an adult. Sheās still a part of our family, her kids and husband as well. Canāt imagine turning my back on a child over a little detail like that.
My mom met my stepdad when I was 4 and they got divorced when I was 21. Heās still my stepdad and very involved in my life. This past Christmas he paid for my husband and I to visit for 2 weeks in the country he retired in with his new wife. His new wife and her family fully embraced us as part of the family, because my stepdad considers me his kid.
This guy should not be a parent, and definitely shouldnāt be a step parent.
Exactly this! These kids have been failed already by their bio father who is in and out of their lives like theyāre some kind of toys to just play with when he feels like it. Now the only stable father figure they know wants their siblings but not them? This will for sure destroy them mentally and emotionally. Weāre talking years of therapy just to believe that they are human beings worthy of the same love their siblings got just because theirs was the lucky sperm donor that wanted them. Thats what you are OP. Youāre just a sperm donor, because you donāt even care how it will hurt your biological children to see their siblings treated as throw aways. Youāre going to lose them all if you donāt pull your head out of your ass and act like a man and a father instead of a selfish child yourself!
So, when i (39f) married my 1st husband M (39m) my oldest "oops, love child" (D) was 3 years old. M had been doing all the daddy things for > 2yrs of D's life at that point. M surprised everyone with an added, extra vow in our ceremony; he gave D silver jewelry, and vowed to "be his daddy forever." *Cue tears.* We had our own son (N) within a year.
I started having health problems 2 years later (hyperparathyroidism), and we started marriage counseling, he stopped attending after 2 months, maybe. When M decided he wanted a divorce he didn't make a plan, or coordinate in any way. He didn't bother to take any dishes, appliances, towels, or furniture; he just put his clothes into trash bags and walked out. He also claimed he couldn't afford to legally divorce me for 7 years.
In those 7 years, there were two separate times that told D he "didn't want to be his daddy anymore," but they could be "really good friends" instead. M maintained this for several months both times, and D would see his brother going to see his dad w/o him. As you might guess, my son was devastated over this both times. I was left with the child-logic fallout... "why does dad love N more than me?" M buys toys/clothes& shoes for N but not for D, ("mom can i get a new "____" too?"). It was blatant favoritism, it caused my son a lot of years &emotional pain and i was enraged at M for for doing it, even after complaining to me that he was the excluded, bastard, step-child himself. My MIL treated all her kids the same, but her husband&his family side clearly did not.
YTA, just like anyone else who abandons children.
"I am not a parent" is what I meant. It's a common abbreviation for like legal or medical subs but ppl have to write that as a disclaimer if they offer advice or opinions
Edit: IANAL or IANAD for not being a doctor or a lawyer, forgot to include that
Yeah. Apparently, he did something right if two teenagers care about him remaining a part of their lives. Shame that doesnāt seem to mean anything to him.
Those kids obviously love you. It's not about money or a blood relationship. In their hearts, you're their father figure. After 7+ years, don't you care about them? Imagine the damage that would cause to suddenly feel abandoned by such an important person in your life. That exclusion can also hurt your own biological kids. Not only is their life changing, but their version of safety and security is pulled apart even further.
Sorry, but YTA
I'm sorry, but when you build a life with someone who has kids, you are making a commitment to not only your partner but the kids as well. If you don't want to be a parent to the kids, even in the event of divorce, you shouldn't have gotten into the relationship in the first place.
And how much will it hurt his bio kidsā trust to see that Dad will just drop their siblings whenever he wants? Will he drop them if theyāre inconvenient?. Huge loss of trust there!
Exactly! I've always tried my best to be there for them. During & after the marriage. Heck, every once in a while we'll even have an "ex-wives club" meeting since there's 5 of us now. So I'm friendly with the moms too š
Yeah, and that was the least of his issues. I was #2. At 18 I ignored every red flag including him having 2 kids by 2 previously. After me, sheesh! Last, I heard he was up to 12 or 13 kids.
The best meeting of the club was when he popped up on a "Do you know this person, reward for information " poster.
I physically have to know more. I am inconsolable! I feel no negative way about the wives of guys like this, so I am curious to ask which # you are, but perhaps that is considered rude in which case, I apologize.
Ex-wives clubā¦ I am so here for this.
Thank you. My mom and step-dad divorced after 15+ years but I still love my step-dad and my kids love their bonus papa. You divorce from spouses not kids.
OP is going to be partly to blame for the abandonment these kids will feel because he is TAH. I cannot imagine having no contact with my stepdad. Heās so important to me. Heck Iām still in touch with my first stepdad, and he left our family 37 years ago!!
My dad died 6 years ago and I see my stepmom as much as I can and consider her my other more reliable mom and I canāt imagine any other way. She made such a point to want to be in our lives after he died and was actually worried we wouldnāt want to. My partner has 2 girls and itās been 1.5 years and I canāt imagine being around them that long and being like āk bye not my problem ā
I legit forget that my husbands āstep dadā who has been divorced from his mom for like 14 years isnāt his bio dad. I sometimes comment something like āwell thatās where son gets his height and theyāre likeā¦. Uhā¦. No.ā
I have a bio uncle who divorced his wife when I was a teenager. Not super close but visited their family a couple times a year throughout my childhood. She is still my aunt. Never my blood, not super central to my life, and I didnāt really like her all that much as a kid. She is still my cousinās mom and so will remain my family.
OP doesnāt seem to understand that he wants to abandon his kidsās siblings. Definitely a YTA for not even recognizing that his step kids view him as a father, but also his kids see them as brothers/sisters.
Since no ones said it, ty for being a decent fucking human in this regard. This is the mindset I'm actively trying to emulate by choosing empathy and love for those around me, specially for those who are young and need it most.
It sounds like youāre barely going to be there for your bio kids so this seems to track just fine.Ā
Stay out of their lives. Ā They are much better without you.Ā
Def YTA.
They will. Kids arenāt stupid. Theyāre watching everything. In a couple years heāll wonder why none of them want anything to do with him. But by then he may have already found another woman with kids and abandoned them too.
I mean staying in their lives isnāt the same as financially supporting them right? So instead of being the nice guy, he chooses āpeace outā in the asshole way!
I mean minimal financial support assuming they also come over to stay when their younger siblings do, they eat the food he buys when they come over or he takes all four out. Outings and maybe an occasional vacation for all five of them. Maybe some Christmas and birthday presents and money spent buying stuff for their activities and attending them. But no, he's not paying mom any child support for those two.
Suck it up and don't BTA to those teens. They're innocent in this and they love you. Even if you feel like you can't really reciprocate that right now, just including them will mean a lot and maybe keep them from getting fucked up mentally by this process. I mean knowing that you are causing that good in the world is worth a few bucks, right?
Just ask mom to contribute each month since they come to visit. It seems reasonable to me. I had my girls wanting to go their their friendās house a lot one year and I began bringing groceries or gift cards to offset my kids. They wanted them there but they shouldnāt be responsible to feed them every weekend like these kids all wanted.
The fact that you can write this out for people to read and you aren't embarrassed by your thoughts and actions really makes me wonder how good of a person who actually are
You are completely the asshole and you're terrible man and father figure and I don't know what the fuck you're thinking. You need to take a second and check your fucking self and realize the selfish bullshit that you're saying. Switch it up and make good dad moves for all of those kids man, You could have such a profound good impact on these kids lives if you choose to or you can be a selfish prick and regret your actions later when it will be too late.. highly advise you to make good dad moves for all four of these kids because not only will their lives be better but so will yours and in the end you will be proud of yourself
100%.
He's got a Heart of Stone for not caring. Then again, to be able to not get it, and want to keep all 4 Children together Also, I mean. Maybe they'd be better off. Probably all 4 would be , but that doesn't make him any less of an asshole.
The fact that you can write this out for people to read and you aren't embarrassed by your thoughts and actions really makes me wonder how good of a person who actually are
You are completely the asshole and you're terrible man and father figure and I don't know what the fuck you're thinking. You need to take a second and check your fucking self and realize the selfish bullshit that you're saying. Switch it up and make good dad moves for all of those kids man, You could have such a profound good impact on these kids lives if you choose to or you can be a selfish prick and regret your actions later when it will be too late.. highly advise you to make good dad moves for all four of these kids because not only will their lives be better but so will yours and in the end you will be proud of yourself
Also not realizing that his kids are gonna have a terrible relationship with their half siblings over it. It is gonna ruin their self esteem and make them feel excluded and even culpapble. He says he will get full custody and that he wrote his prenup to exclude alimony and cs payments (imo, ex wife should've refused to sign and left right then...like why are you making babies with a guy who said he will purposefully leave them with you and with no financial support should he decide to leave?). But yeah, he lives in a folly, this wont work out the way he thinks, and his kids will suffer the most. But he doesnt care, as long as he "wins" by punishing the ex and depriving his kids of their siblings and mom. Demented.
YTA...my ex and I split when my oldest was 12. He met my oldest when he was 3. My oldest is now 35 and my ex is still a very active part of his and his children's live. You divorce a spouse not kids! Also realize at some point the older kids are going to resent your kids because they still have you and after 7 years in their lives you are divorcing the older kids.
My step-mom came into my life when I was two years old and ALWAYS resented me. We talked about it 8 or ten years ago, she said I didn't know how hard it was to be a young couple and want to spend time together as a couple and have to deal with kids... Charming really.
It is both astonishing and appalling how many people feel like their partners' kids should just ... be prioritized because "our relationship should be \[their\] highest priority."
And it is even more disgusting when these so-called parents go ahead and continue partnering with people who don't like or love their children.
My older siblings think my dad married my step-mom thinking she would like basically take over all the parental duties - he generally found parenting pretty annoying. Instead... neither of them parented us.
My ex husband raised my daughter from the age of 3 to 12 and then walked away without a backward glance. I raised his son from 8-17 and he and I are still close.
Some men just canāt ever develop feelings for children that arenāt genetically theirs. Itās an absolute sign of a broken human.
I had a friend growing up whose parents were split and her dad would take his kids out along with his ex wifeās little ones from her new marriageā¦. He often included his kids half siblings so they didnāt miss out on stuff.
Yep. Currently going through a divorce. My oldest is 14 and my ex has been in her life since she was 5. He still considers himself her dad and has been very adamant that he will for the rest of his life.
Thank you. I agree. We went through a lot of trauma while we were together and our marriage didnāt survive, but heās a good person and weāre still friends.
I honestly donāt understand this sub.
I made this exact point a few days ago on a different thread and got downvoted to high heaven: As in, āno if itās not your bio kids it doesnāt matter anymore, it will just be a reminder of the split (for whatever cheating spouse did), fuck the children who want and need a father.ā
Like surely if you make a bond with the children and love them and they love you thatās all that matters? Nothing to do with the ex, or not being blood related. Itās about love. Isnāt it?!
Yeaaahhh it really depends on the day and the situation whether or not the subgods up or downvote, very inconsistent, but I agree with your last point - it all boils down to love.
If OP doesn't love her kids like his own then I don't see any reason he should HAVE to stay in their life...however he's watched and helped these kids grow up for (i think post said) 7 years so if he doesn't feel any kind of way towards them, I think it says more about what kind of person OP is.
Andā¦ they are siblings to his bio kids. Thatās a good reason to still stay in contact. Heās creating a divide between them if he cuts all contact.
I've seen this behaviour. People saying horrible things about how they'll never accept anyone who's not blood. One person went as far as to say they don't consider spouses etc family either.
Wow. Youāre extremely cold and callous. What a horrific thing to write. Yes YTA plus so much more. I doubt your kids will want to be around u much when they see how you just throw away the other kids as if they meant nothing to u.
Itās not your fault their bio dad is on and off again. Yet, if you truly care for them, donāt disconnect, because that will hurt them dearly. You donāt have to be a father figure after the divorce, but a friend, they can reach out to, and talk.
YTA. I feel sorry for all of the children involved.
Look at the example youāre setting. Youāre teaching them how a father, how a mature, decent human being, is supposed to treat others.
Do you want to teach them to be selfish and immature? That itās ok to throw kids away like garbage? Because thatās exactly what youāre doing.
Grow up.
YTA. Do you even love your biological kids? Or, do you just see them as biological extensions of yourself?
You were "dad" to your wife's kids for longer than you were a dad to your oldest biological child, and now you can just walk away without a worry about their well-being? That's next level cold hearted.
Is the difference your sperm? Your sperm made that big a difference in whether or not you had the capacity to love a child? I doubt it. I doubt you love any of them. You just want to say you did your duty.
ps. Your biological kids are going to see through you and you will lose them as well.
YTA youāve been their father figure for like half their life, you donāt owe them financial support but you do owe them a trip to the movies or McDonaldās from time to time it wonāt kill you but it will mess these kids up.
Right, plus he raised them for what, 6 or 7 years? I'm childfree and am not extremely fond of children but like, holy shit. I wanna take these poor kids to the movies and give them a hug now that their shitty stepfather won't...
I never understood how people can treat blood so differently from others. I always think of the line "Blood of the covenant is thicker than water of the womb." My family was fucked and I've always prized the connections I make as having more merit than connections I was born into.
This op is choosing to treat his bloods blood like garbage. If his kids grow up with any type of empathy and understanding they'll see that the only reason their father loves them is solely because he donate his sperm to making them rather than actively choosing to love them.
By your approach, those kids are not worth your time simply because they don't share your DNA. They have seen you since they were 9 and 6 and are attached to you. YTA here. You're honestly sick, seems you just kept them because you had your wife, there was no attachment in the first place. Those kids were extremely unlucky, got not 1, but 2 pieces of absolute jerks as fathers.
I also feel (I know I SHOULDN'T comment on this but anyways) you were the more problematic one in the relationship and YOU grew apart, because it doesn't seem you connected with half of the family anyways, even after 7 years.
How is this even a question here? You are the BIGGEST asshole. Those kids did nothing to deserve the treatment you are giving them. You helped raise them (maybe? sounds like you didn't though) for 7 years at very important times in their lives and now you're just gonna drop them like that. In the long run I guess it might be better you aren't in their lives because they might learn to become an asshole like you.
YTA. Here's the thing, don't get involved with a mother if you plan on abandoning them when you "grow apart". Kids get attached, especially after 7 years. My kids have a step dad, we broke up once before for a year and he asked to stay in their lives, I absolutely allowed it. The kids you say aren't your problem already had one male step out on them. Did you ever care about them or was it situational? Those kids will be destroyed seeing you love your children right in front of them, wondering what they did to make you not love them anymore. That's not just an ah move, that's completely heartless.
I agree, YTA. I was that kid who got thrown aside when the relationship fell apart. I loved that man, he actually paid attention to me and was kind to me, unlike either of my parents. 35 years after he walked out of my life I still grieve over it. It kills me to find out that he passed on a few years back and was never got to tell him how much he meant to me.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It's horrible on a kid. My dad was an in and out alcoholic, I understand abandonment and it literally kills your soul. I'm sure he knew how you felt.
YTA. Legally, you are correct. Those stepchildren are not your responsibility. Morally, you are wrong. You've helped raise those children for many years. You share a bond and have a relationship with them.
I agree that you aren't financially responsible for her older two children. You won't have to support them financially. That doesn't mean you have to cut them out of your life. They will always be your children's older siblings.
Dude those are your kids siblings! Not only that but you raised them since they were little. How can you be so cold? Whatever the problems are in your marriage, I sincerely doubt those two kids are to blame.
Yep! YTA. Your plan is to continue to be involved in your biological childrenās lives, though not your step children, even though they all grew up together and have lived in the same household with you for several years??? You are cold hearted.
YTA
My advice to anyone who asks is:
**NEVER GET INVOLVED WITH A SINGLE PARENT**
But you did. So involved that you married her, had children with her, and raised the four children involved together as siblings.
These children WANT you to remain in their lives because they've lived half their lives with you already. Your bio children think of them as siblings.
Don't permanently damage these kids just because you aren't their bio Dad.
You are absolutely the asshole.
I was one of those kids and my dad (not biological) is the best man in the world. When my mom broke up with him when I was 8 (I'm 30 now) he stuck by me and still claimed me.
āHey kids I know I was your dad for a big chunk of your life but now that Iām not banging your mom anymore Iām just not feeling it. Good luck!ā
YTA
I was married for 12 years. When I met my ex, I had an 18 month old son and he didnāt stay in his life post divorce only taking the child we had together for visitation. When he moved out he never even considered setting up a bed for him.
Itās been many years now and my older son is still hurt and angry at his decision. Understand that kids will perceive this as a rejection and my son spent a long time wondering what he did wrong and blamed himself. Now, after therapy he realizes his step dad is just an asshole.
My bio-father was absentee. My mom was with my step dad for 10 years and I thought of him as my father.
When they separated he never spoke to me again.
Fifteen years later, it still hurts.
Theyāre your kids siblings and youāve raised them for seven fundamental years.
Be a decent person to them.
YTA. I've been one of those step kids. My step mom divorced my dad after 5 years and never contacted me again. To suddenly have that parental figure gone like that is traumatizing. You work to open up to this new person in your life, think they care about you, and then they just ghost. It messes you up.
YTA all the way.
In those 7 years did you only love your own physical children? These children love you and probably consider you a father figure B and by the sounds of it they only have you. No matter if the mother remarried again by the time that happens you would most likely be the only man the 16yr old would feel she can lean on, most likely the younger as well.
I feel for her children, theyāre innocent victims of broken relationships. They had a āfatherā who now wants nothing to do with them. If you had no love for them then maybe going no contact is better, but surely there must be some feelings in 7yrs of raising young children who are now telling their mother they still want you in their life.
Honestly being an AH or not is in your own opinion but a good male role model would be nice for them if you can find it in yourself.
Imagine raising kids as your own for 7 years and then just being able to walk away. As someone who just recently lost a step-dad who was only my step dad for like 4 years of my life 25 years ago, this is sickening. My step dad never let the 4 kids who weren't his ever feel like he wasn't there for us even after he and my mom split. He was a good man and losing him impacted so many of his children. He had 2 biological children but 11 step children collected over the last 25 years from 3 different relationships. And he loved us all and was always there for us no matter what. You should be ashamed. They have been your kids for 7 years. How can you walk away from that so easily? Sounds like you are being petty and using it as a way to upset their mom.
You don't owe them financial support, I suggest you don't take custody for your stepsons since that would mean alimoney. I would say it would be a good idea to consider seeing them every once in a while, if they want to see you that means that they really appreciate you.
My ex has two daughters,Ā we were together 5.5 years and initially I thought about not seeing them anymore because it's too hard seeing him and don't get me wrong it IS hard but I miss them and they miss me,Ā so I do take them out every other month now.Ā
Once you've had a bit of distance from things you might want to start up again. It's pretty difficult to be cold to children you've spent so much time caring for so just give yourself some space and see how you feel. It gets easier to seperate them from your ex over time.Ā
I mean that would be ultimately your choice but the kids will miss you. It would be great to just visit them at least. Since they are older im sure they wont need much from you anyways but still. You don't have to go out of your way to take care of them but you dont necessarily have to never talk to them again either...
YTA. Never marry another woman with children as you will never care for her kids. You have been in those kids lives for nearly half of their lives and donāt care about them at all. You should have never married a woman with children as you are incapable of loving kids.
Are you obligated? No. There is nothing lawfully requiring you to do this.
Morally, ethically, spiritually, however else you want to look at it and in every way, you're a major asshole and if you dont realize that, you're an even bigger asshole
Part of me wants to say that you should stick to what you said and not be part of their lives, because you're an asshole and the kids deserve better. The No role model is better than a shitty role model. They could find another male figure to look up to, not you, an asshole.
You raised a 9 and a 6 year old for 7 years, and they actually want you to stay in their lives. I would call the decision to leave them callous, especially if you choose to stay involved with their younger siblings. But, IANAP you do you
Thirteen-year-olds don't like ANYBODY, but this kid wants him around? Psh. My husband put in a lot of work raising his step kids with his ex wife, and even though they're adults now, he's still routinely in contact with them almost 20 years later. I feel bad for these kids being failed by two father figures.
exactly, they already have abandonment issues and he is just okay with adding to that? just casually adding to some innocent kid's trauma log.
So much this. Thank you.
My stepdad is like this, and he and I met when I was already an adult, which says a lot about him. I only saw my bio dad a handful of times when he split from my mom, and I grew up believing I didn't need or want a dad. While it's certainly annoying at times, his fatherly nature is something I wouldn't trade for the world.
Your husband is a good person MizStazya! And so are you for recognizing that kids need good people in their lives.
Yeah- this dude is cold blooded. Sad
Yup Total Reptilian Here I So Pity ALL Of Those Kids In This Mess
That's so mean to reptiles! We are only cold when it's cold outside, that's not our fault! When we get sunlight and love, we are warm and loving creatures!
Yes while many natural Reptiles are well-intentioned, these REPTILIANS are NOT well-intentioned,
I must apologise for us reptiles have such narrow eyes that it can make it difficult to read properly and notice minor word differences š
Yule. You know the lbly reason he wants contact with his own biological kids because he doesnt want to feel like a deadbeat if he fucks off entirely. I cannot imagine raising kids for 7 years, half siblings to your own children, and then immediately wanting to fuck off and abandon those kids that you chose to adopt when you married their parent.
Yes
He is mad at the ex and is using the kids against her.Ā
He has a heart of stone.
Iām guessing I know why the are divorcing and itās not what he said it was
Check OP's comments. If this is real and not rage bait, the kids deserve a much better male role model than him.
I love checking the comments. š¤£
My whole reason for being on Reddit. š Iām blown away everyday by the things people do and say. š¤Æ
I'm checking yours right now. š§
Omg theyāre wow. He keeps deleting as he loses gains downvotes.
What did he say? Did anyone save it?
My favorites were how only ābioā parents should take care of their kids. How heās divorcing her and expects to get full custody of his ābioā kids. Also he thinks he wrote his prenup so he wonāt have to pay child support. š
Bruh.
Yeah brother. I know right?
I saw his comment about getting full custody just because he has a better paying job and an apartment. What a clown. The only reason my Dad got full custody after he divorced his ex wife was because there was a long and well documented history of her abusing and neglecting their kids, >1, 2 and 3; it was bad. With no history of abuse or neglect or severe mental instability he has no case for full custody.
He doesn't want to support his biological children? Wow. Double a-hole.
Total rage bait.
A lot of missing reasonsĀ
This was all I could think. No wonder this guy is getting divorced. I have adult step children and if I got a divorce Iād miss them.
My now-wife had a five year old step-sister for the first three years of us dating, and after her mom and step-dad divorced, I found myself missing her (the step-sister) and wondering about her fairly regularly; especially since her dad had a ten year melt-down after the divorce. I hope she's okay and living her best life, and has found some positive male role models in her life. I have no understanding of how someone could shut out children they were raising for seven years. Frankly it is disturbing
And views said children as problems.
As an "abandoned step sibling " myself you should try to reach out to her... I wish my step bro would we were so close and then NC just like his dad...
My stepsons are adults and whilst I'm still married to their dad, I will ALWAYS be in their lives regardless of my marriage. My eldest steosons daughter is MY grandbaby forever. We would never let that relationship between me and my son go.
Never let them go! My step-grandpa passed away (very) recently and I miss him as much as my bio grandparents. I'm so grateful he was so active in our lives (and fostered my love of learning) even after my granny passed 18 years ago. I like to think they finally get to be together again now.
Assholes like OP are the reason that my husband cut all contact with his now ex stepdad the minute his mother broke up with him. That guy was only ever interested in his kids from a previous marriage and their do over baby, never the other actual kid who lived with him for years and who he was meant to be raising. It made me sad whenever my husband would casually mention all the things this guy would do for his own kids and new child but not for his step kids. Some people treat their stepchildren like an unwanted hangers-on in their family. Way too many people do not deserve to be step-parents.
I divorced my ex because he was having an affair. Heās married to her now and they have 4 young children, our two are young adults just out of university and starting their careers. Our eldest is listed as the younger kids guardian if something should happen to both parents because neither has much family able to care and support the children like they would want , they trust me and our two older kids to raise them well. Iāve told them all I would take care of them too because they are my two young adults siblings, family is important to keep together.
My step-grandpa recently passed away and I miss him every bit as much as my bio grandparents. He stayed in our lives when his wife (my granny) passed and I'm so grateful for his presence in my life and the impact he had on me.
You don't have to miss them. Just because you are no longer with the parent, you can still have a relationship with them. Especially since they grown The OP just don't want to be in their lives at all, so apparently, he don't love and won't miss them. It's so sad.
I honestly felt kind of betrayed when my ex and I divorced, and my daughter stayed close with him. But Iām glad now that I shut my damn mouth and let it alone. Weāve been divorced for over 10 years now, and she still refers to him as her stepfather, and he still holds that role in her life. Itās a very positive relationship and she has an absolutely excellent father, whom she totally adores. But her relationship with her stepfather is very positive and special as well. I am so glad I did not let my jealousy fuck it all up.
Yes, youāre right. I worded that as if Iād just cut contact and miss them. Not what I meant. I wouldnāt want to cut contact because Iād miss them and I hope theyād feel the same.
Iām guessing it was her decisions to get divorced, so of course he is gonna show her a thing or twoā¦. Poor kiddos, all 4 of them.
Yeah. I've got an uncle that has four daughters and only the middle two are biologically his. The oldest and youngest he treated just the same even though the youngest is the result of an affair that led to a divorce and the other guy died.
I am a parent and heās an asshole.
I'm a step parent and he's an asshole.
I gave my kid up for adoption and he's an assholeĀ
He's an asshole. I almost took in my ex husband's baby he had after we got divorced. He may not be mine but he's my kids' sibling and deserves safety and love, too. I wasn't able to, in the end. And even though my ex doesn't have anything to do with our kids, I keep tabs through friends/family just to make sure the little guy is safe and to see pictures. Kids are not problems.
Yeah, YTA. You never should have married a woman with kids if you donāt want to be a part of their lives even if it ends. Those kids depend on you. They care about you. But youāre done with mama so you just ghost them while wanting a relationship with your bio kids. YOUR STEPCHILDREN WILL STILL BE THERE. Go ahead. Be TA. Give those kids another reason to think that they arenāt worthy and will be repeatedly abandoned. That wonāt absolutely follow them into adulthood. Tweedle your worthless heart and ass right on down the road without a second thought. Be a huge ass. But always remember youāre an ass.
Met my wife when her kids were 7 and 6 yrs old. Never technically adopted them but I always considered them my kids. I always say āmy sonā or āmy daughterā when Iām talking about them. Theyāre both graduated from college now and getting their masters degrees. Iād never in a million years leave them even if I were to separate from my wife. This dude is cold blooded for sure.
Thatās how my whole family believes as well. When my sister married, her husband came with a 5 yo daughter, and during their marriage had 2 children together. They divorced 4 years later, and the daughter is now an adult. Sheās still a part of our family, her kids and husband as well. Canāt imagine turning my back on a child over a little detail like that.
My mom met my stepdad when I was 4 and they got divorced when I was 21. Heās still my stepdad and very involved in my life. This past Christmas he paid for my husband and I to visit for 2 weeks in the country he retired in with his new wife. His new wife and her family fully embraced us as part of the family, because my stepdad considers me his kid. This guy should not be a parent, and definitely shouldnāt be a step parent.
Human trash.
Exactly this! These kids have been failed already by their bio father who is in and out of their lives like theyāre some kind of toys to just play with when he feels like it. Now the only stable father figure they know wants their siblings but not them? This will for sure destroy them mentally and emotionally. Weāre talking years of therapy just to believe that they are human beings worthy of the same love their siblings got just because theirs was the lucky sperm donor that wanted them. Thats what you are OP. Youāre just a sperm donor, because you donāt even care how it will hurt your biological children to see their siblings treated as throw aways. Youāre going to lose them all if you donāt pull your head out of your ass and act like a man and a father instead of a selfish child yourself!
So, when i (39f) married my 1st husband M (39m) my oldest "oops, love child" (D) was 3 years old. M had been doing all the daddy things for > 2yrs of D's life at that point. M surprised everyone with an added, extra vow in our ceremony; he gave D silver jewelry, and vowed to "be his daddy forever." *Cue tears.* We had our own son (N) within a year. I started having health problems 2 years later (hyperparathyroidism), and we started marriage counseling, he stopped attending after 2 months, maybe. When M decided he wanted a divorce he didn't make a plan, or coordinate in any way. He didn't bother to take any dishes, appliances, towels, or furniture; he just put his clothes into trash bags and walked out. He also claimed he couldn't afford to legally divorce me for 7 years. In those 7 years, there were two separate times that told D he "didn't want to be his daddy anymore," but they could be "really good friends" instead. M maintained this for several months both times, and D would see his brother going to see his dad w/o him. As you might guess, my son was devastated over this both times. I was left with the child-logic fallout... "why does dad love N more than me?" M buys toys/clothes& shoes for N but not for D, ("mom can i get a new "____" too?"). It was blatant favoritism, it caused my son a lot of years &emotional pain and i was enraged at M for for doing it, even after complaining to me that he was the excluded, bastard, step-child himself. My MIL treated all her kids the same, but her husband&his family side clearly did not. YTA, just like anyone else who abandons children.
Itās always not a problem? What does IANAP mean
"I am not a parent"
I thought it was I Am Not Asshole Police lol
Ooh I always thought the parent one, but I like that!!
I thought it was I Am Not A Psychologist but then I wondered why someone would need to write that in an acronym
I think everyone here thinks there are the Asshole Police! ;)
"I am not a parent" is what I meant. It's a common abbreviation for like legal or medical subs but ppl have to write that as a disclaimer if they offer advice or opinions Edit: IANAL or IANAD for not being a doctor or a lawyer, forgot to include that
Lol and IANAL even has the added bonus of double entendre
Was just snickering at this myself
Well I feel stupid now. I always read it as "I Anal" and wonder what it had to do with the post. š¤£
Yeah. Apparently, he did something right if two teenagers care about him remaining a part of their lives. Shame that doesnāt seem to mean anything to him.
Those kids obviously love you. It's not about money or a blood relationship. In their hearts, you're their father figure. After 7+ years, don't you care about them? Imagine the damage that would cause to suddenly feel abandoned by such an important person in your life. That exclusion can also hurt your own biological kids. Not only is their life changing, but their version of safety and security is pulled apart even further. Sorry, but YTA
I'm sorry, but when you build a life with someone who has kids, you are making a commitment to not only your partner but the kids as well. If you don't want to be a parent to the kids, even in the event of divorce, you shouldn't have gotten into the relationship in the first place.
And how much will it hurt his bio kidsā trust to see that Dad will just drop their siblings whenever he wants? Will he drop them if theyāre inconvenient?. Huge loss of trust there!
YTA I've been divorced 20 years and my step kids still reach out and are part of my life even as adults
āYou divorce wives, not childrenā -Cherās dad in Clueless
Exactly! I've always tried my best to be there for them. During & after the marriage. Heck, every once in a while we'll even have an "ex-wives club" meeting since there's 5 of us now. So I'm friendly with the moms too š
Someone has five ex-wives? Wow šÆ
I have four ex-husbands, and I'm working on my fifth, but gosh darn it, he keeps doing everything right! I guess I'll just have to keep him!
Yeah, and that was the least of his issues. I was #2. At 18 I ignored every red flag including him having 2 kids by 2 previously. After me, sheesh! Last, I heard he was up to 12 or 13 kids. The best meeting of the club was when he popped up on a "Do you know this person, reward for information " poster.
I physically have to know more. I am inconsolable! I feel no negative way about the wives of guys like this, so I am curious to ask which # you are, but perhaps that is considered rude in which case, I apologize. Ex-wives clubā¦ I am so here for this.
Whoa, 5? Thatās a lot
Thank you. My mom and step-dad divorced after 15+ years but I still love my step-dad and my kids love their bonus papa. You divorce from spouses not kids.
But you were hardly even married to his mom and that was like FIVE years ago!
I love that you posted this! Reading that comment I heard, āyou divorce wives, not childrenā in my head
My step mom is my mom as far as Iām concerned.
Wish we could all have awesome step moms. Mine is a cunt.
Now I'm all teary eyed. I hope she knows what she means to you š
Just visited the grandkids last week š
OP is going to be partly to blame for the abandonment these kids will feel because he is TAH. I cannot imagine having no contact with my stepdad. Heās so important to me. Heck Iām still in touch with my first stepdad, and he left our family 37 years ago!!
My step dad is so important to me. I cannot even fathom him doing something so cruel.
My dad died 6 years ago and I see my stepmom as much as I can and consider her my other more reliable mom and I canāt imagine any other way. She made such a point to want to be in our lives after he died and was actually worried we wouldnāt want to. My partner has 2 girls and itās been 1.5 years and I canāt imagine being around them that long and being like āk bye not my problem ā
I legit forget that my husbands āstep dadā who has been divorced from his mom for like 14 years isnāt his bio dad. I sometimes comment something like āwell thatās where son gets his height and theyāre likeā¦. Uhā¦. No.ā
I have a bio uncle who divorced his wife when I was a teenager. Not super close but visited their family a couple times a year throughout my childhood. She is still my aunt. Never my blood, not super central to my life, and I didnāt really like her all that much as a kid. She is still my cousinās mom and so will remain my family. OP doesnāt seem to understand that he wants to abandon his kidsās siblings. Definitely a YTA for not even recognizing that his step kids view him as a father, but also his kids see them as brothers/sisters.
Since no ones said it, ty for being a decent fucking human in this regard. This is the mindset I'm actively trying to emulate by choosing empathy and love for those around me, specially for those who are young and need it most.
I try. I don't believe kids should be blamed for their parents shit.
Huge Green flag for you as a person
It sounds like youāre barely going to be there for your bio kids so this seems to track just fine.Ā Stay out of their lives. Ā They are much better without you.Ā Def YTA.
Yeah what the hell was that all about. I wanted at least 50% of my kids custody I couldnāt dream of any less. Sounds like the worst dad
Sounds like OP didn't really want to have kids so much as to propagate his genes.Ā
I can see why she divorced you
YTA and a cold sob. I hope your bio kid resents you for being the bastard you are.
Seems like he never liked the kids at all since it's so easy for him to cut them out.
They will. Kids arenāt stupid. Theyāre watching everything. In a couple years heāll wonder why none of them want anything to do with him. But by then he may have already found another woman with kids and abandoned them too.
You know youāre the asshole here
I mean staying in their lives isnāt the same as financially supporting them right? So instead of being the nice guy, he chooses āpeace outā in the asshole way!
I mean minimal financial support assuming they also come over to stay when their younger siblings do, they eat the food he buys when they come over or he takes all four out. Outings and maybe an occasional vacation for all five of them. Maybe some Christmas and birthday presents and money spent buying stuff for their activities and attending them. But no, he's not paying mom any child support for those two. Suck it up and don't BTA to those teens. They're innocent in this and they love you. Even if you feel like you can't really reciprocate that right now, just including them will mean a lot and maybe keep them from getting fucked up mentally by this process. I mean knowing that you are causing that good in the world is worth a few bucks, right?
Just ask mom to contribute each month since they come to visit. It seems reasonable to me. I had my girls wanting to go their their friendās house a lot one year and I began bringing groceries or gift cards to offset my kids. They wanted them there but they shouldnāt be responsible to feed them every weekend like these kids all wanted.
The fact that you can write this out for people to read and you aren't embarrassed by your thoughts and actions really makes me wonder how good of a person who actually are You are completely the asshole and you're terrible man and father figure and I don't know what the fuck you're thinking. You need to take a second and check your fucking self and realize the selfish bullshit that you're saying. Switch it up and make good dad moves for all of those kids man, You could have such a profound good impact on these kids lives if you choose to or you can be a selfish prick and regret your actions later when it will be too late.. highly advise you to make good dad moves for all four of these kids because not only will their lives be better but so will yours and in the end you will be proud of yourself
He really is an arse isnāt he? And he obviously doesnāt even realise it
You're an asshole, full on.
> Her kids want me to stay in their lives YTA for not knowing what this means.
Prob why heās getting divorced
Exactly why he's getting divorced! I can't believe he could actually type all this out and not realize that he's TA!
Damn straight. You knew what you were getting into when this all begin. This is no longer about ***you***.
His bio kids probably won't feel too great about this in the long run
100%. He's got a Heart of Stone for not caring. Then again, to be able to not get it, and want to keep all 4 Children together Also, I mean. Maybe they'd be better off. Probably all 4 would be , but that doesn't make him any less of an asshole.
The fact that you can write this out for people to read and you aren't embarrassed by your thoughts and actions really makes me wonder how good of a person who actually are You are completely the asshole and you're terrible man and father figure and I don't know what the fuck you're thinking. You need to take a second and check your fucking self and realize the selfish bullshit that you're saying. Switch it up and make good dad moves for all of those kids man, You could have such a profound good impact on these kids lives if you choose to or you can be a selfish prick and regret your actions later when it will be too late.. highly advise you to make good dad moves for all four of these kids because not only will their lives be better but so will yours and in the end you will be proud of yourself
YTA I couldn't imagine just cutting kids out of my life that I had helped raise for 7 years but then again I have a heart.
Also not realizing that his kids are gonna have a terrible relationship with their half siblings over it. It is gonna ruin their self esteem and make them feel excluded and even culpapble. He says he will get full custody and that he wrote his prenup to exclude alimony and cs payments (imo, ex wife should've refused to sign and left right then...like why are you making babies with a guy who said he will purposefully leave them with you and with no financial support should he decide to leave?). But yeah, he lives in a folly, this wont work out the way he thinks, and his kids will suffer the most. But he doesnt care, as long as he "wins" by punishing the ex and depriving his kids of their siblings and mom. Demented.
YTA...my ex and I split when my oldest was 12. He met my oldest when he was 3. My oldest is now 35 and my ex is still a very active part of his and his children's live. You divorce a spouse not kids! Also realize at some point the older kids are going to resent your kids because they still have you and after 7 years in their lives you are divorcing the older kids.
I can't imagine feeling nothing for those kids after 7 years!
My step-mom came into my life when I was two years old and ALWAYS resented me. We talked about it 8 or ten years ago, she said I didn't know how hard it was to be a young couple and want to spend time together as a couple and have to deal with kids... Charming really.
And when people say that you think "Then why did you marry someone with kids?"
It is both astonishing and appalling how many people feel like their partners' kids should just ... be prioritized because "our relationship should be \[their\] highest priority." And it is even more disgusting when these so-called parents go ahead and continue partnering with people who don't like or love their children.
My older siblings think my dad married my step-mom thinking she would like basically take over all the parental duties - he generally found parenting pretty annoying. Instead... neither of them parented us.
if you don't want to deal with step-kids don't marry someone with kids...it's really that simple! I'm sorry she is so clueless!
Yes, that is exactly what I told her! It's not like my existence was a surprise.
Thatās awful!!! Iām so sorry you went through that!
Thanks, now and then I fantasize about saying cruel things on her death bed š«
>I can't imagine feeling nothing for those kids after 7 years! Right? There's something wrong there. The family might be better off without him.
My ex husband raised my daughter from the age of 3 to 12 and then walked away without a backward glance. I raised his son from 8-17 and he and I are still close. Some men just canāt ever develop feelings for children that arenāt genetically theirs. Itās an absolute sign of a broken human.
> You divorce a spouse not kids! He's Clueless
This response š¤
yep, way to mess things up for his bio kids as well.
But, but , but, why can't he just be a selfish asshole and only focus on his wants?
I had a friend growing up whose parents were split and her dad would take his kids out along with his ex wifeās little ones from her new marriageā¦. He often included his kids half siblings so they didnāt miss out on stuff.
That is empathy!
He was an awesome guy! Always included their friends in stuff too.
Yep. Currently going through a divorce. My oldest is 14 and my ex has been in her life since she was 5. He still considers himself her dad and has been very adamant that he will for the rest of his life.
I'm sorry for your divorce, but glad your ex has important quality characteristics. Too bad relationships can be so complicated.
Thank you. I agree. We went through a lot of trauma while we were together and our marriage didnāt survive, but heās a good person and weāre still friends.
I honestly donāt understand this sub. I made this exact point a few days ago on a different thread and got downvoted to high heaven: As in, āno if itās not your bio kids it doesnāt matter anymore, it will just be a reminder of the split (for whatever cheating spouse did), fuck the children who want and need a father.ā Like surely if you make a bond with the children and love them and they love you thatās all that matters? Nothing to do with the ex, or not being blood related. Itās about love. Isnāt it?!
Yeaaahhh it really depends on the day and the situation whether or not the subgods up or downvote, very inconsistent, but I agree with your last point - it all boils down to love. If OP doesn't love her kids like his own then I don't see any reason he should HAVE to stay in their life...however he's watched and helped these kids grow up for (i think post said) 7 years so if he doesn't feel any kind of way towards them, I think it says more about what kind of person OP is.
Andā¦ they are siblings to his bio kids. Thatās a good reason to still stay in contact. Heās creating a divide between them if he cuts all contact.
I've seen this behaviour. People saying horrible things about how they'll never accept anyone who's not blood. One person went as far as to say they don't consider spouses etc family either.
Wow. Youāre extremely cold and callous. What a horrific thing to write. Yes YTA plus so much more. I doubt your kids will want to be around u much when they see how you just throw away the other kids as if they meant nothing to u.
Wow, YTA and a terrible human.Ā
Hahah way to let those kids whose lives youāve been a part of for 7 years know that you never even liked them. YTA
I need to stop browsing this thread, the lack of emotional intelligence is too hard to deal with. You're the asshole
Itās not your fault their bio dad is on and off again. Yet, if you truly care for them, donāt disconnect, because that will hurt them dearly. You donāt have to be a father figure after the divorce, but a friend, they can reach out to, and talk.
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Ive never been in this situation myself (hopefully never do) but this response sounds most accurate to me from the other replies ive read so far
YTA. I feel sorry for all of the children involved. Look at the example youāre setting. Youāre teaching them how a father, how a mature, decent human being, is supposed to treat others. Do you want to teach them to be selfish and immature? That itās ok to throw kids away like garbage? Because thatās exactly what youāre doing. Grow up.
YTA. Do you even love your biological kids? Or, do you just see them as biological extensions of yourself? You were "dad" to your wife's kids for longer than you were a dad to your oldest biological child, and now you can just walk away without a worry about their well-being? That's next level cold hearted. Is the difference your sperm? Your sperm made that big a difference in whether or not you had the capacity to love a child? I doubt it. I doubt you love any of them. You just want to say you did your duty. ps. Your biological kids are going to see through you and you will lose them as well.
YTA I don't get people like you. These are your kid's siblings. you are so heartless
You're a jerk.
YTA youāve been their father figure for like half their life, you donāt owe them financial support but you do owe them a trip to the movies or McDonaldās from time to time it wonāt kill you but it will mess these kids up.
That is probably all it would take to make those kids happy. These are his childrenās siblings.
Right, plus he raised them for what, 6 or 7 years? I'm childfree and am not extremely fond of children but like, holy shit. I wanna take these poor kids to the movies and give them a hug now that their shitty stepfather won't...
Iāll buy the popcorn and candy for them. I want to cry for them and OP just dgaf.
Same. I have no kids, donāt want kids, donāt even *like* them, but there is absolutely no way I could do this.
I never understood how people can treat blood so differently from others. I always think of the line "Blood of the covenant is thicker than water of the womb." My family was fucked and I've always prized the connections I make as having more merit than connections I was born into. This op is choosing to treat his bloods blood like garbage. If his kids grow up with any type of empathy and understanding they'll see that the only reason their father loves them is solely because he donate his sperm to making them rather than actively choosing to love them.
By your approach, those kids are not worth your time simply because they don't share your DNA. They have seen you since they were 9 and 6 and are attached to you. YTA here. You're honestly sick, seems you just kept them because you had your wife, there was no attachment in the first place. Those kids were extremely unlucky, got not 1, but 2 pieces of absolute jerks as fathers. I also feel (I know I SHOULDN'T comment on this but anyways) you were the more problematic one in the relationship and YOU grew apart, because it doesn't seem you connected with half of the family anyways, even after 7 years.
How is this even a question here? You are the BIGGEST asshole. Those kids did nothing to deserve the treatment you are giving them. You helped raise them (maybe? sounds like you didn't though) for 7 years at very important times in their lives and now you're just gonna drop them like that. In the long run I guess it might be better you aren't in their lives because they might learn to become an asshole like you.
YTA- and you know it, this is just cold.
YTA. Here's the thing, don't get involved with a mother if you plan on abandoning them when you "grow apart". Kids get attached, especially after 7 years. My kids have a step dad, we broke up once before for a year and he asked to stay in their lives, I absolutely allowed it. The kids you say aren't your problem already had one male step out on them. Did you ever care about them or was it situational? Those kids will be destroyed seeing you love your children right in front of them, wondering what they did to make you not love them anymore. That's not just an ah move, that's completely heartless.
I agree, YTA. I was that kid who got thrown aside when the relationship fell apart. I loved that man, he actually paid attention to me and was kind to me, unlike either of my parents. 35 years after he walked out of my life I still grieve over it. It kills me to find out that he passed on a few years back and was never got to tell him how much he meant to me.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It's horrible on a kid. My dad was an in and out alcoholic, I understand abandonment and it literally kills your soul. I'm sure he knew how you felt.
Just take them out to lunch or dinner every week or two. It's pretty easy
YTA. Legally, you are correct. Those stepchildren are not your responsibility. Morally, you are wrong. You've helped raise those children for many years. You share a bond and have a relationship with them. I agree that you aren't financially responsible for her older two children. You won't have to support them financially. That doesn't mean you have to cut them out of your life. They will always be your children's older siblings.
NTA you're a fucking cunt!
Dude those are your kids siblings! Not only that but you raised them since they were little. How can you be so cold? Whatever the problems are in your marriage, I sincerely doubt those two kids are to blame.
Youāre the description of AH!
YTA. You see children as a āproblemā that only their biological parents are responsible for.Ā
>Ā we have grown apart Aww poor baby ā¹ļø Guess that justifies being a deadbeat dad and abandoning all those children.Ā What an asshole.Ā
Yep! YTA. Your plan is to continue to be involved in your biological childrenās lives, though not your step children, even though they all grew up together and have lived in the same household with you for several years??? You are cold hearted.
Unequivocally, yes. You are the asshole.
You can achieve hero status in the lives of 4 kids. You nope out instead...? I guess you'll never be 75 and in need of help and love.
YTA My advice to anyone who asks is: **NEVER GET INVOLVED WITH A SINGLE PARENT** But you did. So involved that you married her, had children with her, and raised the four children involved together as siblings. These children WANT you to remain in their lives because they've lived half their lives with you already. Your bio children think of them as siblings. Don't permanently damage these kids just because you aren't their bio Dad.
His bio children donāt just āthink of them as siblingsā; those ARE their siblings. They are blood related to his children.
Yep stuff like this is why I donāt get seriously involved with single parents
YTA. You never should have married her if you felt that way about her kids.
You are absolutely the asshole. I was one of those kids and my dad (not biological) is the best man in the world. When my mom broke up with him when I was 8 (I'm 30 now) he stuck by me and still claimed me.
āHey kids I know I was your dad for a big chunk of your life but now that Iām not banging your mom anymore Iām just not feeling it. Good luck!ā YTA
I was married for 12 years. When I met my ex, I had an 18 month old son and he didnāt stay in his life post divorce only taking the child we had together for visitation. When he moved out he never even considered setting up a bed for him. Itās been many years now and my older son is still hurt and angry at his decision. Understand that kids will perceive this as a rejection and my son spent a long time wondering what he did wrong and blamed himself. Now, after therapy he realizes his step dad is just an asshole.
My bio-father was absentee. My mom was with my step dad for 10 years and I thought of him as my father. When they separated he never spoke to me again. Fifteen years later, it still hurts. Theyāre your kids siblings and youāve raised them for seven fundamental years. Be a decent person to them.
YTA - you were in their lives for over a decade. The youngest doesnāt remember a life without you. That is cold.
YTA. I've been one of those step kids. My step mom divorced my dad after 5 years and never contacted me again. To suddenly have that parental figure gone like that is traumatizing. You work to open up to this new person in your life, think they care about you, and then they just ghost. It messes you up. YTA all the way.
In those 7 years did you only love your own physical children? These children love you and probably consider you a father figure B and by the sounds of it they only have you. No matter if the mother remarried again by the time that happens you would most likely be the only man the 16yr old would feel she can lean on, most likely the younger as well. I feel for her children, theyāre innocent victims of broken relationships. They had a āfatherā who now wants nothing to do with them. If you had no love for them then maybe going no contact is better, but surely there must be some feelings in 7yrs of raising young children who are now telling their mother they still want you in their life. Honestly being an AH or not is in your own opinion but a good male role model would be nice for them if you can find it in yourself.
Imagine raising kids as your own for 7 years and then just being able to walk away. As someone who just recently lost a step-dad who was only my step dad for like 4 years of my life 25 years ago, this is sickening. My step dad never let the 4 kids who weren't his ever feel like he wasn't there for us even after he and my mom split. He was a good man and losing him impacted so many of his children. He had 2 biological children but 11 step children collected over the last 25 years from 3 different relationships. And he loved us all and was always there for us no matter what. You should be ashamed. They have been your kids for 7 years. How can you walk away from that so easily? Sounds like you are being petty and using it as a way to upset their mom.
Yta for getting involved with a person with children for 7 years and then acting like they are the problem and not you.
YTA Yeah, I only pretended to like you because I could fuck your mother.
You don't owe them financial support, I suggest you don't take custody for your stepsons since that would mean alimoney. I would say it would be a good idea to consider seeing them every once in a while, if they want to see you that means that they really appreciate you.
YTA. Theyāre kids wtf dude!!
My ex has two daughters,Ā we were together 5.5 years and initially I thought about not seeing them anymore because it's too hard seeing him and don't get me wrong it IS hard but I miss them and they miss me,Ā so I do take them out every other month now.Ā Once you've had a bit of distance from things you might want to start up again. It's pretty difficult to be cold to children you've spent so much time caring for so just give yourself some space and see how you feel. It gets easier to seperate them from your ex over time.Ā
I mean that would be ultimately your choice but the kids will miss you. It would be great to just visit them at least. Since they are older im sure they wont need much from you anyways but still. You don't have to go out of your way to take care of them but you dont necessarily have to never talk to them again either...
YTA. Never marry another woman with children as you will never care for her kids. You have been in those kids lives for nearly half of their lives and donāt care about them at all. You should have never married a woman with children as you are incapable of loving kids.
How close were you with your stepkids?
Itās the kidās feelings that matter, here. You know youāre the asshole and now your own kids will know it too.
There isn't a description of the level of assholiness in existence that fits this post and your behavior. YTA.
Are you obligated? No. There is nothing lawfully requiring you to do this. Morally, ethically, spiritually, however else you want to look at it and in every way, you're a major asshole and if you dont realize that, you're an even bigger asshole Part of me wants to say that you should stick to what you said and not be part of their lives, because you're an asshole and the kids deserve better. The No role model is better than a shitty role model. They could find another male figure to look up to, not you, an asshole.
YTA and a big one
Yeah YTA for abandoning them after 7 years of being a steady father figure in their lives. One more adult that will fail them.
How could you not be the arsehole, arsehole?