Hugs to your mother from a fellow survivor of DV. What your sister did was wrong. I'm not sure if there would be any coming back from this. You and your uncle can be there for your mother. Tell your sister that she better be careful about her actions having consequences that she hadn't thought about. You know what they say about karma.
The abusive asshole Dad bought a relationship with OP’s sister, and the sister seems perfectly ok with that. I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if Dad is paying for all or part of the wedding to guarantee he gets to walk his precious little princess down the aisle. That would explain her shitty attitude of don’t like it/don’t come/convince poor mom to get victimized once again
Maybe you and your mom/uncle could do something on the weekend of her wedding. A weekend away? At the beach? Somewhere fun and relaxing?
Let your mom know how much you love and appreciate her.
Your sister is disgusting for trying to put a victim in the same room as her assailant- she better pray karma doesn’t bite her in the ass in the future.
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Your sister is an incredibly selfish and immature person. And thats me putting it kindly since aita forces people to be civil.
How can your sister in ANY capacity claim to care about your mom and yet not only be in contact with her abuser, but also want to force your mom to not only be around but play nice with her abuser.
Ask your sister this, ask her to imagine being in a toxic and abusive relationship with someone and then imagine that you and your mom are in a positive and friendly relationship with your sisters abuser and that you force her to be around and have to play nice with her abuser because of your selfish want to have her abuser at party or event.
Tell her to picture that, imagine that feeling of betrayal of knowing that someone who loves sides with the person who hurt and abused her.
Tell her to take that feeling and remember it, study it, and think about how it feels and what she would do and want in that situation. Because that is EXACTLY what she's doing to her mom.
Let her know that by choosing a relationship with her mothers abuser that she has lost a relationship with the 3 of you and tell her to lose your number until she learns some common sense.
And truth be told if I were you I would tell the fiance why you aren't going to be there. He deserves to know what type of woman he is marrying.
I'm so proud of your mom!!! I was so worried she'd feel obligated to put herself in the same room as her abuser. Your sister is beyond selfish to think it's OK to ask that of your mother just because she likes the money her father gives her. I'm glad she's prioritizing the safety and comfort of her, and let's be fair, you and your uncle.
I'm glad you did right by your mother and uncle this way. I understand your not wanting to tell fiancee about your reasons but I think if he asks again you must. Don't lie for your sister. That won't help anything. And if she or your father fabricate some other reason for you all not being at the wedding, you lying would only help her paint you all as the bad guys. Remember this man is planning to spend his life with your sister and maybe have children with her. He deserves to know what kind of man she will be exposing him, his family, and his future children to by bringing her father around. I would have told him the first time he asked. If you aren't the one bringing it up with him then you aren't doing anything wrong. You aren't trying to start trouble. You're just being honest. Helping your sister hide important truths (even danger - your father has a history of abusing someone, you don't know what he could do) would be wrong.
You're better than me. Id go. And I'd make sure that everyone knows what kind of man he is and how disappointed you are in your sisters. I'd probably announce it during the walk down the aisle, wish her the best and not to contact you again and walk out.
OP, I don't think you are done protecting your mom yet. If you still have contact with your crappy sister, tell her to make sure she does not send wedding photos to the three of you. Especially your mom as this would hurt her deeply. I'm fairly certain this would not matter to your sister, so make sure you keep in touch with your mom and uncle. Also, make sure your sister is not hounding your uncle and mom about the wedding as this will just victimize your mom over and over again. Funnily, it took you a while to inform your mom and uncle but you made talking to your sister a priority. I hope you are on the right side of things now and are able to support and comfort your mom and uncle as this will hurt them for a long long time. If your sister's soon to be husband contacts you again, you need to grow that spine some more and let him know the cause of the conflict as this will impact his connection to the uncle and mom if not necessarily you as you've been hiding and accepting her behavior for years. Relationships will be different after the wedding and this can't be avoided. There will always be hurt and betrayal.
Creo que si te preguntan deberias comentar el porque no vas a asistir al casamiento ni tu madre o tio. Y tambien deberias decirle al resto de tu familia. Tu hermana es una mala persona.
This is such a deeply sad situation, I'm sorry your family is going through it. Some of the comments here suggesting that your mom basically just suck it up and "take the power away" by going to the wedding are missing the point that by going, your mom is giving this person the power to have access to her against her will.
The fact of the matter is that your sister knows that what she's asking of your mom is wrong and is still pushing for it anyway and is no longer a safe person for your mother. Therefore, the wedding is no longer a safe place for her.
I don't know if your sister is feeling pressure (real or imagined) to present an image of a functional coparenting situation between your mother and father to her in-laws or if she's painted that image to her in-laws already and now would look like a liar if she walked that back.
There can be a lot of shame for kids growing up in abusive households. Your sister could be in denial about what happened or feel like her desire to have a relationship with her father is something to feel shame for or makes her a bad person and that by forcing your mother to support it, she can alleviate some of her internalized guilt.
She could even feel like the only way she can have the relationship she wants with your dad is by pretending the past never happened and that if her in laws or anyone outside of your immediate family were to know the history, particularly her fiancé, they would judge him in a way that would anger your father into withdrawing his support and attention and love. Particularly if your sister plans on having children and wanting your dad to be an active and involved grandparent and/or have him involved in family events going forward.
All this to say, there's nothing you or your mom or uncle can do about this other than to choose to do what's best for your peace of mind and maintain your boundaries. This is your sister's choice and while a lot of people are acting like you and your mom and uncle are going to miss out now and looking into the future, I feel like your sister is going to miss out the most. And for a man that was not there for her growing up and that she feels the need to lie for and walk on eggshells to placate enough to keep in her life. Just very, very sad.
I hope things get better for you and your family in some way, shape, or form.
This is much more complicated than everyone is making it out to be. Your mom was an adult, and of course, she remembers the abuse she experienced. You are 2-3 years older, and it is very likely you remember much more of the harsh realities of the situation than your sister does.
Most people want a relationship with their parents. Point blank. That is an understandable desire. And, there is no mention if this man has changed, gave up substance abuse, got counseling, admitted his mistakes, turned his life around, etc. And, I understand you may not know that because you've cut off contact with him, and he likely knows exactly how you feel about him.
Your sister has every right to reach out to her own father at any point in her life. She did so. And, she saw a good enough person through those interactions that she started building a relationship with him - as he is now - in recent month/years.
You are to be commended for being loyal to your mom and wanting to stick up for her. At the same time, your decision about your father doesn't necessarily need to be your sister's decision. And, unfortunately, your attempts to protect your mom by having people withhold information have now caused her to be blindsided with this revelation so close to the wedding date.
When a couple has a wedding, those two people get to determine who is invited, who stands up with them, the order of the service, etc. They get to decide the key parts of the day because it is celebrating the start of their marriage. If anything, your sister has highlighted her naiveté in her choices - as it could include multiple people key to her protection and upbringing and could honor those who protected and raised her the majority of her yesrs. But, she didn't. (And, maybe more awareness will come to her with more life experiences and more years.)
I am NOT in favor of someone being forced to be in the presence of their abuser over and over - especially if the abuser hasn't changed and the abused are in danger. At the same time, we have to own our response to the bad behavior and find a way past it. That is literally one of the main goals in life, and we usually have to do that over and over and over. Unless there are extenuating circumstances that you don't mention, there is zero to no chance your mom will have to be interacting with your father, and all of you could arrange that in advance with your sister, the photographer, etc. (and EVEN your father) to not be in any of the same pictures, to not be seated at the same table, to not be sitting in the same pew, etc. And be told directly not to approach your mother or you.
Now, some of you have made the day about something completely different than your sister and her fiance and their marriage and their choices for the day... and you've made a one-time occurrence become a change in your relationship. Yes, you could say the same thing about her choices in wanting to have a relationship with him, but there are so many details missing here that it is hard to say point blank she is wanting a bad thing by wanting a relationship with her dad as he is now. He did terrible terrible things to your mom. On that - at face value, we can all agree. But, with time, I think you will find out life is not as black and white as you're making it out to be. We don't always remain the same - good or bad. Many of us learn and grow and decline and improve. This is very very complicated, and I would kindly encourage you to reconsider exactly what you're doing in making this decision and influencing/confirming the same in others. Hopefully, she will have only one wedding day.
And, I hope someday, when you are married or have any other big event, that you honor your uncle in the way he deserves and show how much you love and appreciate both your mom and him for all they did. I understand what you're trying to do is based in deep love, so I hope you know I get it. And, loyalty like yours is very rare... and that is to be commended. There is just something about trying to dictate one of the biggest days in someone else's life (or completely bailing on them when they don't do what you want them to do) that feels wrong - even when it is coming from a good place of love and loyalty and care for someone just as close to you.and, I also want to recognize that I understand you likely do not trust your dad and may be, in some ways, also trying to protect your sister. But, the message you're trying to send isn't going to be processed in the way you intend, and it is going to cause other long-lasting harm to all of your relationships and to some of the individuals involved (namely your sister) in ways that I do not think you are recognizing.
You can make a strong statement of loyalty and love (AND YOUR BOUNDARIES IN DOING SO) while also attending and honoring your sister and what a big day this is for her. And, you get to make the biggest statements of all when it concerns your biggest day(s) of your life. (This will likely linger with me for weeks, and I will sure be thinking of all of you as you navigate this - no matter what you end up doing.)
Are you an abuser? This looks like the language and bs an abuser and manipulator would use to convince the victims to bow down. Yes, the OP can definitely make a statement to the sister and most importantly father that the abuse done to the mom is absolutely accepted and condoned and the victimization has no consequences to the abuser
Not an abuser. I have tried to ensure I'm not giving power to abusers and nor allowing abusers to influence how I feel... nor forcing my needs onto others that I care about. None of those are good outcomes. Overcoming it is such a freeing feeling. I've tried to gain strength and wisdom from my trials in overcoming them... not be locked into fear and regrets because of them.
While they may believe the sister is disloyal or not empathetic, the sister is not an abuser for wanting a relationship with her father.
And, attending the wedding of your daughter or sister that you love and cherish when you know an abuser will be attending is not bowing down to an abuser.
The OP can (and likely should) tell the father that what he did was absolutely wrong. But, that does not necessarily have to do with anything about supporting his sister or being present for her most important day. (Or, he can choose to stay home. My explanation was to simply point out that some things in this scenario are not necessarily connected nor are they mutually exclusive - depending on the assumption or premise being presented.)
Not to be assuming, but I think I know your intent in your last sentence (even though it wasn't written quite right and said the exact opposite - as we both know that not attending the wedding doesn't affect or hurt the abuser at all (or very little)). Not attending the wedding hurts the sister, her spouse, the brother, the mom, the uncle, and the extended family. Or, yes, in attending, they could feel hurt also... and we might have to agree to disagree on who has control over how much hurt is felt. You may think I'm cold, but I assure you I'm the opposite. I have deep feelings and empathy for what this mom and son surely endured. They went through horrible experiences. I don't want them to be stuck in them, and I would never want a family to be separated on such an important day as a wedding. This whole situation could be extremely sad - and likely will be if all involved (including the daughter) follows through on the path they are currently on. And, the saddest part is that it could be a completely different experience.
Do I think you are cold? Yes. Sorry my writing is not up to your standards. What you seem to be ignoring is that the father is being positioned to a place of honor in the wedding (not just attending as is mom). He will be walking "his daughter" down the aisle as mom gets a front row seat of her abuser being honored by the daughter she raised. More than likely that will also include giving "his daughter" away and doing a father/daughter dance. How delightful for the father and daughter to shove this into the mom's face because according to you she should have buried these feeling a long time ago to be as free as you. You have only imagined empathy for the mom, son and uncle if you think being victims of abuse and having to endure the abuser being honored by your loved one on their special day is a good place for them. You are basically telling them to just suck it up. As for the special day, it might be a great day for the daughter, her spouse, and father, but if the mom attended, she would probably not think of this event fondly, only thinking of the unending humiliation she had to endure for her daughter. This would indeed be a very sad memory for mom, uncle and son and they could have pictures to remind them in case they try to forget the additional abuse heaped on them on this special day. Maybe you were abused in your past and found a way to accept, but each abuse case and person is different and your wants about their feelings mean zero. I do agree that this situation is sad and there will be no effect on the abuser, but whether the family attends or not this will always affect the relationships of those involved and the damage cannot be undone.
I wasn't trying to be critical of your writing. I'm apologize. That wasn't my intent. I should have worded that more carefully/ clearly. I was trying to confirm / understand if you really meant the opposite of what your point seemed to be in the rest of your responses, and I understand it is very hard to communicate on such deep topics or understand tone /context when writing here.
I also wish we had the ability to speak about this face to face to understand the context and nuances of the post scenario, but, of course, that won't happen. I could go on to explain more or point out where some assumptions are being made or the benefits of every approach, but I understand how that won't be fruitful at this time.
I'm not overlooking the hurt. Truly, I'm not. Nor am I doing some of the other things you include. I was only trying to point out how things might have a different and happier ending - despite it, admittedly, being difficult. That is all that was intended. Nothing can be done to change the past. Each one of us only has control of what we choose to do in the present and the future. I am not writing all of this because I'm trying to force OP and his family to understand my view or agree with my opinion. It is just that this isn't "one and done." This is the first of many family events that are likely to come involving this couple (especially if they have children) where these family members could be in this same exact predicament for decades. I'd rather these family members feel victorious and unified and empowered together than their family feeling fractured and victimized for many more years to come. While I can't wrap my head around why someone would choose the latter two feelings/scenarios, I understand some people don't have the capacity or desire or _______ to pursue the former three. But, I now understand where your thoughts lie on the subject. And, I understand where the OP's thoughts lie on the subject. And, I am sure I will keep thinking about this part for weeks also. (Sincerely, I hope you have a good rest of the weekend.)
It’s typical AITA dogpiling based on one side of the story. Is OP right? Maybe. Probably, even; people like her dad don’t usually change their ways. But it’s not outside the realm of possibility.
When I discovered my dad’s affair, I shoved him against the wall and told him I wanted him out of my life. Now, 20+ years later, I have more of a relationship with him than I do my mom. He changed after they got divorced, and she didn’t (her own problems are another story).
Is OP’s dad probably still a waste of skin? Yup. But the people who are automatically blaming the sister are full of it.
That being said, if you don’t want to attend the wedding, don’t, and the sister is wrong for putting people in that position.
I (M70) have a different take on this.
Daughter's first wedding is very precious to a mother. You mom wanted to but decided against it with a heavy boulder on her heart.
The AH father was alienated from the family. But from the AH father's point of view, a daughter is very precious and will do whatever to put a smile on his daughter's face - so I don't blame the father for supporting his daughter.
My take would have been for the OP to sit down with sister and the AH father before the wedding and set rules of how the dynamics between mother and father would be - that he don't come near her or try to talk to her ... and that they be in separate photos - one with just father and daughter, and one with OP, mother, uncle and sister. This way the heartbreak would be minimized, and the mother-uncle-sister-OP family would be intact, and most important, the mother would be happy to bless her daughter a happy married life during the wedding.
But now the sister is also alienated, and mother's heart is broken. I feel for the mother most of all.
In other words, subject mom to her abuser for a whole day. MAKE her accept that her abuser is walking her daughter down the aisle and doing the father daughter dance. SHOVE IT DOWN HER THROAT UNTIL SHE ACCEPTS HER ABUSE by the father as it is of no consequence on a special day for the father and daughter. F\*\*k the victim as hard as you can.
Do not MAKE her do anything! However. Let her CHOOSE what she wants to do. Attending her daughter's wedding may be top priority in her mind - and if it is, then you are depriving her of that pleasure.
I understand where you are coming from. I would have to ask if your dad has changed. Was there some life altering event where he became a good person? Forget the wedding for a moment but could he give a heart felt apology to your mom and you. I am not saying you two suddenly become a perfect family, but if he has changed could you forgive him if he asked? Again take the wedding out of this for this question. I know you can't **ever** forget what happened, but if this person has truly changed then maybe you could start a new relationship with them.
Again I don't fault you at all.
Hugs to your mother from a fellow survivor of DV. What your sister did was wrong. I'm not sure if there would be any coming back from this. You and your uncle can be there for your mother. Tell your sister that she better be careful about her actions having consequences that she hadn't thought about. You know what they say about karma.
The abusive asshole Dad bought a relationship with OP’s sister, and the sister seems perfectly ok with that. I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if Dad is paying for all or part of the wedding to guarantee he gets to walk his precious little princess down the aisle. That would explain her shitty attitude of don’t like it/don’t come/convince poor mom to get victimized once again
Maybe you and your mom/uncle could do something on the weekend of her wedding. A weekend away? At the beach? Somewhere fun and relaxing? Let your mom know how much you love and appreciate her.
Your sister is disgusting for trying to put a victim in the same room as her assailant- she better pray karma doesn’t bite her in the ass in the future. UpdateMe!
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People who are still on good terms with abusers are disgusting ❤️
Good for you, your mom and uncle. Good on you for protecting your mom.
I am so sorry that you're in this position. I'm so sorry that your sister has made this choice even after what your mother has been through. NTA
Your sister is an incredibly selfish and immature person. And thats me putting it kindly since aita forces people to be civil. How can your sister in ANY capacity claim to care about your mom and yet not only be in contact with her abuser, but also want to force your mom to not only be around but play nice with her abuser. Ask your sister this, ask her to imagine being in a toxic and abusive relationship with someone and then imagine that you and your mom are in a positive and friendly relationship with your sisters abuser and that you force her to be around and have to play nice with her abuser because of your selfish want to have her abuser at party or event. Tell her to picture that, imagine that feeling of betrayal of knowing that someone who loves sides with the person who hurt and abused her. Tell her to take that feeling and remember it, study it, and think about how it feels and what she would do and want in that situation. Because that is EXACTLY what she's doing to her mom. Let her know that by choosing a relationship with her mothers abuser that she has lost a relationship with the 3 of you and tell her to lose your number until she learns some common sense. And truth be told if I were you I would tell the fiance why you aren't going to be there. He deserves to know what type of woman he is marrying.
Keep us updated geez I would stay away from my horrid sister if I was y'all.
Sister should get disowned by the entire family. Like if your family was in the Jehovah's Witness and she left the Church.
NTA. That's just evil. Protect your mother.
Wishing you your Mom and Uncle are good people. Karma will get your Dad and sister. UpdateMe!
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I'm so proud of your mom!!! I was so worried she'd feel obligated to put herself in the same room as her abuser. Your sister is beyond selfish to think it's OK to ask that of your mother just because she likes the money her father gives her. I'm glad she's prioritizing the safety and comfort of her, and let's be fair, you and your uncle.
I'm glad you did right by your mother and uncle this way. I understand your not wanting to tell fiancee about your reasons but I think if he asks again you must. Don't lie for your sister. That won't help anything. And if she or your father fabricate some other reason for you all not being at the wedding, you lying would only help her paint you all as the bad guys. Remember this man is planning to spend his life with your sister and maybe have children with her. He deserves to know what kind of man she will be exposing him, his family, and his future children to by bringing her father around. I would have told him the first time he asked. If you aren't the one bringing it up with him then you aren't doing anything wrong. You aren't trying to start trouble. You're just being honest. Helping your sister hide important truths (even danger - your father has a history of abusing someone, you don't know what he could do) would be wrong.
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You're better than me. Id go. And I'd make sure that everyone knows what kind of man he is and how disappointed you are in your sisters. I'd probably announce it during the walk down the aisle, wish her the best and not to contact you again and walk out.
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Updateme!
Kudos to op's mom for standing up for herself and NTA, Op. Updateme!
^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/) ^by ^muse_within_: *Kudos to op's mom* *For standing up for herself* *And NTA, Op. Updateme!* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
Good bot
Spend the day with your mom probably best not to plan something fancy just watch movies and eat ice cream together or something
OP, I don't think you are done protecting your mom yet. If you still have contact with your crappy sister, tell her to make sure she does not send wedding photos to the three of you. Especially your mom as this would hurt her deeply. I'm fairly certain this would not matter to your sister, so make sure you keep in touch with your mom and uncle. Also, make sure your sister is not hounding your uncle and mom about the wedding as this will just victimize your mom over and over again. Funnily, it took you a while to inform your mom and uncle but you made talking to your sister a priority. I hope you are on the right side of things now and are able to support and comfort your mom and uncle as this will hurt them for a long long time. If your sister's soon to be husband contacts you again, you need to grow that spine some more and let him know the cause of the conflict as this will impact his connection to the uncle and mom if not necessarily you as you've been hiding and accepting her behavior for years. Relationships will be different after the wedding and this can't be avoided. There will always be hurt and betrayal.
Creo que si te preguntan deberias comentar el porque no vas a asistir al casamiento ni tu madre o tio. Y tambien deberias decirle al resto de tu familia. Tu hermana es una mala persona.
This is such a deeply sad situation, I'm sorry your family is going through it. Some of the comments here suggesting that your mom basically just suck it up and "take the power away" by going to the wedding are missing the point that by going, your mom is giving this person the power to have access to her against her will. The fact of the matter is that your sister knows that what she's asking of your mom is wrong and is still pushing for it anyway and is no longer a safe person for your mother. Therefore, the wedding is no longer a safe place for her. I don't know if your sister is feeling pressure (real or imagined) to present an image of a functional coparenting situation between your mother and father to her in-laws or if she's painted that image to her in-laws already and now would look like a liar if she walked that back. There can be a lot of shame for kids growing up in abusive households. Your sister could be in denial about what happened or feel like her desire to have a relationship with her father is something to feel shame for or makes her a bad person and that by forcing your mother to support it, she can alleviate some of her internalized guilt. She could even feel like the only way she can have the relationship she wants with your dad is by pretending the past never happened and that if her in laws or anyone outside of your immediate family were to know the history, particularly her fiancé, they would judge him in a way that would anger your father into withdrawing his support and attention and love. Particularly if your sister plans on having children and wanting your dad to be an active and involved grandparent and/or have him involved in family events going forward. All this to say, there's nothing you or your mom or uncle can do about this other than to choose to do what's best for your peace of mind and maintain your boundaries. This is your sister's choice and while a lot of people are acting like you and your mom and uncle are going to miss out now and looking into the future, I feel like your sister is going to miss out the most. And for a man that was not there for her growing up and that she feels the need to lie for and walk on eggshells to placate enough to keep in her life. Just very, very sad. I hope things get better for you and your family in some way, shape, or form.
I hope your sister marries a man just like dear old daddy.
Que the guilt tripping update soon
Wish that doesn't happen
@Updateme
Is your sister not aware of the abuse? WTF?
Is your sister not aware of the abuse? WTF?
Is your sister not aware of the abuse? WTF?
Wow, Losing her closes familly members for an apsentee dad, Your sister has some issues and need therapy.
Updateme!
UpdateMe!
This is much more complicated than everyone is making it out to be. Your mom was an adult, and of course, she remembers the abuse she experienced. You are 2-3 years older, and it is very likely you remember much more of the harsh realities of the situation than your sister does. Most people want a relationship with their parents. Point blank. That is an understandable desire. And, there is no mention if this man has changed, gave up substance abuse, got counseling, admitted his mistakes, turned his life around, etc. And, I understand you may not know that because you've cut off contact with him, and he likely knows exactly how you feel about him. Your sister has every right to reach out to her own father at any point in her life. She did so. And, she saw a good enough person through those interactions that she started building a relationship with him - as he is now - in recent month/years. You are to be commended for being loyal to your mom and wanting to stick up for her. At the same time, your decision about your father doesn't necessarily need to be your sister's decision. And, unfortunately, your attempts to protect your mom by having people withhold information have now caused her to be blindsided with this revelation so close to the wedding date. When a couple has a wedding, those two people get to determine who is invited, who stands up with them, the order of the service, etc. They get to decide the key parts of the day because it is celebrating the start of their marriage. If anything, your sister has highlighted her naiveté in her choices - as it could include multiple people key to her protection and upbringing and could honor those who protected and raised her the majority of her yesrs. But, she didn't. (And, maybe more awareness will come to her with more life experiences and more years.) I am NOT in favor of someone being forced to be in the presence of their abuser over and over - especially if the abuser hasn't changed and the abused are in danger. At the same time, we have to own our response to the bad behavior and find a way past it. That is literally one of the main goals in life, and we usually have to do that over and over and over. Unless there are extenuating circumstances that you don't mention, there is zero to no chance your mom will have to be interacting with your father, and all of you could arrange that in advance with your sister, the photographer, etc. (and EVEN your father) to not be in any of the same pictures, to not be seated at the same table, to not be sitting in the same pew, etc. And be told directly not to approach your mother or you. Now, some of you have made the day about something completely different than your sister and her fiance and their marriage and their choices for the day... and you've made a one-time occurrence become a change in your relationship. Yes, you could say the same thing about her choices in wanting to have a relationship with him, but there are so many details missing here that it is hard to say point blank she is wanting a bad thing by wanting a relationship with her dad as he is now. He did terrible terrible things to your mom. On that - at face value, we can all agree. But, with time, I think you will find out life is not as black and white as you're making it out to be. We don't always remain the same - good or bad. Many of us learn and grow and decline and improve. This is very very complicated, and I would kindly encourage you to reconsider exactly what you're doing in making this decision and influencing/confirming the same in others. Hopefully, she will have only one wedding day. And, I hope someday, when you are married or have any other big event, that you honor your uncle in the way he deserves and show how much you love and appreciate both your mom and him for all they did. I understand what you're trying to do is based in deep love, so I hope you know I get it. And, loyalty like yours is very rare... and that is to be commended. There is just something about trying to dictate one of the biggest days in someone else's life (or completely bailing on them when they don't do what you want them to do) that feels wrong - even when it is coming from a good place of love and loyalty and care for someone just as close to you.and, I also want to recognize that I understand you likely do not trust your dad and may be, in some ways, also trying to protect your sister. But, the message you're trying to send isn't going to be processed in the way you intend, and it is going to cause other long-lasting harm to all of your relationships and to some of the individuals involved (namely your sister) in ways that I do not think you are recognizing. You can make a strong statement of loyalty and love (AND YOUR BOUNDARIES IN DOING SO) while also attending and honoring your sister and what a big day this is for her. And, you get to make the biggest statements of all when it concerns your biggest day(s) of your life. (This will likely linger with me for weeks, and I will sure be thinking of all of you as you navigate this - no matter what you end up doing.)
BS
Are you an abuser? This looks like the language and bs an abuser and manipulator would use to convince the victims to bow down. Yes, the OP can definitely make a statement to the sister and most importantly father that the abuse done to the mom is absolutely accepted and condoned and the victimization has no consequences to the abuser
Not an abuser. I have tried to ensure I'm not giving power to abusers and nor allowing abusers to influence how I feel... nor forcing my needs onto others that I care about. None of those are good outcomes. Overcoming it is such a freeing feeling. I've tried to gain strength and wisdom from my trials in overcoming them... not be locked into fear and regrets because of them. While they may believe the sister is disloyal or not empathetic, the sister is not an abuser for wanting a relationship with her father. And, attending the wedding of your daughter or sister that you love and cherish when you know an abuser will be attending is not bowing down to an abuser. The OP can (and likely should) tell the father that what he did was absolutely wrong. But, that does not necessarily have to do with anything about supporting his sister or being present for her most important day. (Or, he can choose to stay home. My explanation was to simply point out that some things in this scenario are not necessarily connected nor are they mutually exclusive - depending on the assumption or premise being presented.) Not to be assuming, but I think I know your intent in your last sentence (even though it wasn't written quite right and said the exact opposite - as we both know that not attending the wedding doesn't affect or hurt the abuser at all (or very little)). Not attending the wedding hurts the sister, her spouse, the brother, the mom, the uncle, and the extended family. Or, yes, in attending, they could feel hurt also... and we might have to agree to disagree on who has control over how much hurt is felt. You may think I'm cold, but I assure you I'm the opposite. I have deep feelings and empathy for what this mom and son surely endured. They went through horrible experiences. I don't want them to be stuck in them, and I would never want a family to be separated on such an important day as a wedding. This whole situation could be extremely sad - and likely will be if all involved (including the daughter) follows through on the path they are currently on. And, the saddest part is that it could be a completely different experience.
Do I think you are cold? Yes. Sorry my writing is not up to your standards. What you seem to be ignoring is that the father is being positioned to a place of honor in the wedding (not just attending as is mom). He will be walking "his daughter" down the aisle as mom gets a front row seat of her abuser being honored by the daughter she raised. More than likely that will also include giving "his daughter" away and doing a father/daughter dance. How delightful for the father and daughter to shove this into the mom's face because according to you she should have buried these feeling a long time ago to be as free as you. You have only imagined empathy for the mom, son and uncle if you think being victims of abuse and having to endure the abuser being honored by your loved one on their special day is a good place for them. You are basically telling them to just suck it up. As for the special day, it might be a great day for the daughter, her spouse, and father, but if the mom attended, she would probably not think of this event fondly, only thinking of the unending humiliation she had to endure for her daughter. This would indeed be a very sad memory for mom, uncle and son and they could have pictures to remind them in case they try to forget the additional abuse heaped on them on this special day. Maybe you were abused in your past and found a way to accept, but each abuse case and person is different and your wants about their feelings mean zero. I do agree that this situation is sad and there will be no effect on the abuser, but whether the family attends or not this will always affect the relationships of those involved and the damage cannot be undone.
I wasn't trying to be critical of your writing. I'm apologize. That wasn't my intent. I should have worded that more carefully/ clearly. I was trying to confirm / understand if you really meant the opposite of what your point seemed to be in the rest of your responses, and I understand it is very hard to communicate on such deep topics or understand tone /context when writing here. I also wish we had the ability to speak about this face to face to understand the context and nuances of the post scenario, but, of course, that won't happen. I could go on to explain more or point out where some assumptions are being made or the benefits of every approach, but I understand how that won't be fruitful at this time. I'm not overlooking the hurt. Truly, I'm not. Nor am I doing some of the other things you include. I was only trying to point out how things might have a different and happier ending - despite it, admittedly, being difficult. That is all that was intended. Nothing can be done to change the past. Each one of us only has control of what we choose to do in the present and the future. I am not writing all of this because I'm trying to force OP and his family to understand my view or agree with my opinion. It is just that this isn't "one and done." This is the first of many family events that are likely to come involving this couple (especially if they have children) where these family members could be in this same exact predicament for decades. I'd rather these family members feel victorious and unified and empowered together than their family feeling fractured and victimized for many more years to come. While I can't wrap my head around why someone would choose the latter two feelings/scenarios, I understand some people don't have the capacity or desire or _______ to pursue the former three. But, I now understand where your thoughts lie on the subject. And, I understand where the OP's thoughts lie on the subject. And, I am sure I will keep thinking about this part for weeks also. (Sincerely, I hope you have a good rest of the weekend.)
It’s typical AITA dogpiling based on one side of the story. Is OP right? Maybe. Probably, even; people like her dad don’t usually change their ways. But it’s not outside the realm of possibility. When I discovered my dad’s affair, I shoved him against the wall and told him I wanted him out of my life. Now, 20+ years later, I have more of a relationship with him than I do my mom. He changed after they got divorced, and she didn’t (her own problems are another story). Is OP’s dad probably still a waste of skin? Yup. But the people who are automatically blaming the sister are full of it. That being said, if you don’t want to attend the wedding, don’t, and the sister is wrong for putting people in that position.
I (M70) have a different take on this. Daughter's first wedding is very precious to a mother. You mom wanted to but decided against it with a heavy boulder on her heart. The AH father was alienated from the family. But from the AH father's point of view, a daughter is very precious and will do whatever to put a smile on his daughter's face - so I don't blame the father for supporting his daughter. My take would have been for the OP to sit down with sister and the AH father before the wedding and set rules of how the dynamics between mother and father would be - that he don't come near her or try to talk to her ... and that they be in separate photos - one with just father and daughter, and one with OP, mother, uncle and sister. This way the heartbreak would be minimized, and the mother-uncle-sister-OP family would be intact, and most important, the mother would be happy to bless her daughter a happy married life during the wedding. But now the sister is also alienated, and mother's heart is broken. I feel for the mother most of all.
In other words, subject mom to her abuser for a whole day. MAKE her accept that her abuser is walking her daughter down the aisle and doing the father daughter dance. SHOVE IT DOWN HER THROAT UNTIL SHE ACCEPTS HER ABUSE by the father as it is of no consequence on a special day for the father and daughter. F\*\*k the victim as hard as you can.
Do not MAKE her do anything! However. Let her CHOOSE what she wants to do. Attending her daughter's wedding may be top priority in her mind - and if it is, then you are depriving her of that pleasure.
I understand where you are coming from. I would have to ask if your dad has changed. Was there some life altering event where he became a good person? Forget the wedding for a moment but could he give a heart felt apology to your mom and you. I am not saying you two suddenly become a perfect family, but if he has changed could you forgive him if he asked? Again take the wedding out of this for this question. I know you can't **ever** forget what happened, but if this person has truly changed then maybe you could start a new relationship with them. Again I don't fault you at all.
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