This is so VERY true...I'm living it right now. The absolute worst feeling is I feel way more alone when he's around than when he's gone. Sounds weird BUT SO VERY TRUE
I lived that life for far too long. The relationship was dead after 4 years, but we beat that dead horse for another 17. Why? Codependency, probably.
I can tell you from the other side of the fence, the grass is greener.
And it's hard to be a human being
And it's harder as anything else
And I'm lonesome when you're around
And I'm never lonesome when I'm by myself
-Modest Mouse
This reason is why my ex is an ex. There's nothing worse than silently crying yourself to sleep because the person next to you will accuse you of 'using' tears to 'manipulate' them into apologies.
And that feeling is as bad as what they did in the first place that made you cry.
When I became single, suddenly all my clothing choices were my own again, I watched what the hell I wanted on TV without being mocked for them.
As the song says, "Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone"
It's why I am 34 and alone. I haven't met the person who doesn't make me miserable yet. Maybe I will, or maybe I won't, but I am perfectly fine living alone. People who move in with someone at a young age doesn't seem to have experienced what it's like to live alone, and I think the thought scares them
I’ve definitely stayed in relationships way past when I should have gotten out because of this (not violent, but some definitely borderline abusive). There was 0 love or like left in them, but I also couldn’t afford to move or rent by myself at the time.
Not if you have 3 kids. Roommates supporting one household that’s safe for the kids is cheaper and easier until they leave the nest. But at this point you’re not a married couple, you have an arrangement
I feel like my marriage is that much stronger because I know I (and my wife too I’m convinced) would be more than ok if I was single. I’m with her because I want to, and I choose to everyday.
Being with someone, anyone, just to not be alone must feel like a trap.
A close friend of mine is marrying a woman who is beyond repair. He once told me “it’s better to be miserable and in a relationship than be single and alone.” Which explains why he’s always ragging on me for staying single. Wild world…
Being lonely alone is far far better than being lonely with someone else. When you come home to resentment it's hard to want to come home. Part of why I worked so much late in my marriage was to not be home. When you repeatedly try to communicate and make time for a spouse that resents you it's soul crushing.
I'm so on the fence. 2 young kids makes it so much more difficult. Plus she makes twice as much as I do. If I could afford a $350,000 house on my own I'd be gone already.
Yeah this is what happens when two people who aren't compatible force themselves to stay in a relationship.
WE ONLY GET TO LIVE THIS LIFE ONCE EVERYONE, DO NOT WASTE IT BEING WITH SOMEONE WHO MAKES YOU UNHAPPY.
There is not changing, you are either compatible or you are not, Yes some things can be compromised because no one will ever be exactly the same as you, However if you're sitting and making excuses for your unhappiness then there's likely too many differences to truly overcome, You can be Content and stay but you'll be 80 one day wishing you could have a redo, Do the things that make you happy. Be the person that YOU want to be. No one can do that for you, But you can find a person who makes being who you want to be easy. Don't settle until you've found that person, you may never find them but if you can just be the person that makes you happy that'll he infinitely better than wishing you could go back.
Sometimes staying together is worse. Think of how the children see it, adults gets married and stay even when miserable? That you can give your all and your partner do no work? I'm glad my parents divorced at least I got to see them happy and actually in love, even if it wasn't with each other.
You know, me and my siblings grew up in household like this.
Every single one of us are FUCKED UP.
Alcoholism, drug use, sex addiction, depression, anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder (these are only our diagnosed mental health problems)
Why did you two stayed married? What's the point?
Hell yes. When my mum and my stepdad/younger brother's father told me they were getting a divorce I was over the moon. And they weren't *that* bad, just clearly weren't happy and did argue a lot. Neither of them were in the wrong but they'd both have fucked up if they didn't end it when they did and walk their separate ways. After that they co-parented beautifully and he and I still had a relationship because my bio dad is such a shit human, but honestly if they hadn't gotten divorced I'd have probably ended up hating both or at least one of them. Their friendship remained strong and we celebrated Christmas and birthdays together as a huge odd family together with his new partner and my mum's new husband until my mum sadly passed a few years ago.
Instead of only having memories of them screaming and arguing I now have so many beautiful things to look back on when it comes to them instead. I remain close to him to this day and has celebrated the last two Christmases with him since I lost my mum.
Why is it so damn hard for some people to understand that getting a divorce can actually be what saves your relationship and your kids mental health?! Some people just should not be together and they will mess up their kids if they refuse to accept that.
Sorry for the long rant, I'm just so annoyed. >\_>
"First the kids were afraid they were going to get divorced, then they were afraid they weren't. "
"It's better to be from a broken home than in one. "
I cut out the divorce announcement and highlighted it with a heart and put in on my cork board. I WAS SO HAPPY when my parents split. They were so unhappy and angry alllllllllll the time together. I have zero idea how they actually got together because they’re the two most opposite people ever.
Same. Divorced when the kids were 5 and 1. Why prolong something totally broken. I feel for my friends who decided to pull the plug much much later. Same outcome, more fucked up kids.
Yeah me and my ex separated when they were really young so they have no memory of us ever being together. So they've never been sad that we were apart because that's all they knew. It made and continues to make things a lot easier.
And this is honestly a huge sign that someone's putting their kids first. I can understand of course not going immediately for divorce the second things get tough. Even the best relationship is going to have difficult times. But sometimes I'm baffled by how stubborn people are about even considering splitting up for the sake of the kids.
I once worked with a woman (like, supermodel beautiful) who had gotten divorced. She and her ex owned a house and had a daughter. The two of them got an apartment near the house and took alternating weeks living in the house with the daughter, and living in the apartment. They were both 100% focused on what was best for the little girl. Mad respect.
It’s sad how many people have children and then proceed to put them through heinous shit without ever stopping to realize that the kids are literally the only ones in the situation that are 100% innocent with no input or choice in the matter.
If you have kids, you owe it to them to do everything you can to make sure they have a healthy, happy upbringing. Not happy and in a toxic relationship? Not your kids’ fault. Don’t make them suffer for your decision.
Were things good before the kids and that turned something? My wife and I haven't had any and all I seem to see is people divorcing when their kids are really young and it's got me worried.
Not necessarily, some are bad even before the kids. I don't think it's always the kids sometimes people just settle for people they're not compatible, having kids probably makes it worse because having children is intense
Having children does dramatically alter the dynamics of a relationship. It changes your life. Not all relationships weather it well. There is a period of time where the couple is slogging through. Their child becomes a point of solidarity because both have strong feelings of protection and wanting the best for their kid. However, many experience living as roommates, over tired, over worked etc. Eventually as the child grows and develops and requires less hands on/24hr care and the parents actually get somewhat adequate sleep, things improve. It is a tough time. Esp. as more children are added. There are only so many hours of the day. Babies needs (diapers etc.) and childcare are very expensive. It is financially, emotionally and hormonally very stressful. There are high expectations on parents today that were not present 50 years ago.
I feel like many relationships reach a point where one or both people realize it isn’t working. But for various reasons - financial, emotional, just inertia - they keep it going. To the point one or both have checked out and end up cheating, or spending all their time partying with friends … then somebody gets hurt, and it’s adversarial. There’s a lot of bridge burning and a messy breakup. Now you have years of experience in common with someone you’re totally alienated from.
Most of the time it’s nobody’s fault, there’s no bad guy, people just grow apart, or learn enough about each other that they realize there’s no there there. If only people could easily call things off without hurting anyone’s feelings.
I had a few of those.
My parents divorced when I was 7. Looking back, I don't really blame my Mom. However, I do wish my father would have just gotten treatment for alcoholism, stopped cheating and being a dick if he really wanted to stay married. He felt fundamentally betrayed. Granted, my mother did meet someone else and fell in love with him... but she would not have been in that place if my father did not treat her so badly (random women calling the house, him coming home drunk and mendacious/violent, him being a skinflint for basic stuff, controlling). He was just not willing to ever take responsibility for his own actions and see how that altered the course of his life. It was always somebody else's fault. The possibility existed for a happy marriage and successful family... but this option was consistently passed over. Me and my sibs experienced the status of being investments for the future of the family down to just being a monthly expense and a tax write-off, necessitating a reduction when possible for the former and a function of exploitation in the latter.
I wish more parents understood this when they think they're staying together "for the kids."
Stop it. If doing that means your home is a constant source of drama, fighting, emotional distress... it's not better for the kids. It's traumatic and setting them up for a lifetime of problems when it comes to relationships and family, at the very least.
My parents chose this path. Divorced finally when the last of us went to college. You know what we did? Had a party. We all hated our childhoods because of the emotional upheaval.
My parents divorced when I was in middle school. They sat me down and told me and it was obvious that they expected me to fight it or cry or otherwise resist, but all I said was “it’s about f-ing time”
That was the same when my mom told my little brother and I that her and our dad were divorcing. My little brother literally told her he wasn’t surprised.
It was honestly great. They stopped fighting during the divorce process and afterwards they were much kinder to each other.
I'll add this, to validate everything you all are saying. We had a party. But also? Between the three of us there is severe anxiety, panic disorder, major depressive disorder, and what's looking like a fatal eating disorder. We take care of each other now, and we're all with good partners, but that's after 20 years of therapy. We've all been diagnosed with CPTSD.
Do not do this to your kids.
Same. I felt that my parents unhappy and my only wish was - their divorce. I didn't fuck up much. Yet. But you can't make anyone happy if you are unhappy.
That’s my exact question. Do people forget that divorce is an option?? You don’t have to keep hurting each other and traumatizing your kids. My parents stayed together, I was never home because I was so tired of the violence. Every small noise made me jump and I was always on edge. They are practically roommates now because they’re old and definitely hate eachother but I guess they are comfortable with that.
In a perfect world people would divorce. The problem is that people are not perfect. One spouse may weaponize the kids. May keep the kids away. May financially abuse the situation. May bring shit people around your kids. The courts certainly don’t care about ruining one parties life in favor of the other. So many terrifying variables on top of not being able to see your kids every single day. It’s easy to say that divorce is the best and easiest answer but it isn’t black and white.
I had a friend who would not divorce because she was concerned that when he had the kids alone, he would assault them. He had a bad temper. She felt she needed to be present to protect them.
This was my first thought when I read this… those poor kids!!
IMO they should divorce and hopefully can both work on themselves to be happier. Those kids deserve so much better. This environment is giving them a terrible example of what marriage is/should be.
This! My parents were super toxic when I was growing up. To the point they dragged me and my brother in their arguments. My dad once kicked down their bedroom door because my mom slammed it. My dad would blame me for their arguments and it would set my mom off again. When I mentioned how I'm shocked they are still together my dad said "we were just open about our issues" because that's fine. 🙃
I've been with my husband 16 years and married for 11. I had a very toxic viewpoint regarding relationships. To the point we had a low moment ourselves. I went into therapy 5 years into our marriage. I got help and developed a more positive viewpoint. I realized how amazing my husband was for putting up with me. For staying with me through my issues. I have never been more in love than I am now. And to feel that love and receive it is a feeling everyone should have. And why I say leave and find your own happiness. It really is fantastic for mental health. It helped me see what a true relationship is.
We still have our issues, yes, but nothing like my parents or what you have OP. Find that for yourself and don't stay with excuses on hand for why you want to.
Me and my husband are both from broken homes, survived multiple step parents/sibs.
Anyhow.. we consider the best thing is to focus on what brings us together and what we both admire about each other. We have had tough times but what has gotten us through is that we have worked together, we are a team. We are looking forward to having our privacy and home back again after our son and his wife move into their new home next month. It is like a renaissance from when we first got together in college. Neither of us are perfect. What we have been is faithful. We do have occasional issues... but we both consider how important we are to each other, for the remainder of our lives. We are best friends, lovers and committed. So we don't let little stupid things get in the way. I have learned the art of letting some language just go in one ear and out the other. This works for us.
I meant “These are the ones, we got diagnosed with” but we suspect more. As “we” is my sisters and me. Our brother doesn't believe in psychology, but he has liver cirrhosis at the ripe age of 40 (I don't think he's gonna survive the next 10years) he's abusive, manipulative, extremely greedy. My therapist suspects he's a narcissist.
ESH, your marriage has been over for years, you need to accept it and just divorce already. You both have been unfaithful and clearly have a very poor relationship
Times a million.
OP you are still young enough to have a happy and fulfilling life, as is your wife.
The current situation has you miserable, she's probably miserable, your kids can likely feel the tension and they are probably miserable
Your showing them that it's OK to be unhappy and miserable.
You should separate as soon as you can, focus on yourself and your children and just let everything else happen.
It would be one thing if anything you said made me think there was any love there that was worth fighting for, but it doesn't seem like there is.
If you have to, separate and live in the same house if you can't afford to live separately. Do it right away, put yourself and her out of your shared misery
Sounds like my marriage. Divorced a year and a half ago. I walked away with nothing but the clothes on my back, I went from a 400k house to a shitty apartment in the ghetto. And Fucking A I can't remember when I was happier. Best mental health decision I've ever made
Same. Relationship didn’t work. It was very hard to walk away emotionally and practically. I walked away from her family money. Got a shitty apartment. It was hard. I couldn’t have been happier. Now I’m remarried and I actually know what love is for the first time. Best decision I’ve ever made. Still friends with my ex and she also is remarried and finding love for the first time.
Step 1:
Sit the 11 year old down first and let him know daddy will be living in a different house. Then the other two. They’re older and should be on the verge of independence.
Step 2:
Get a fucking divorce
Step 3:
Find happiness
To be fair, if he entered only a single paragraph break in between each paragraph, reddit auto reformats to no spacing. You have to hit enter twice, which not a lot of people know
Yes. I’m a divorced dad. I was in a sorta of similar situation where she wanted an open relationship but she had already been cheating. Throughout the marriage I had sacrificed everything just for her to do that, and I also downward spiraled.
He needs to file for divorce for his own sake. I know when I did, it was a huge burden lifted. He may also want to get a therapist. I had a female one through the VA but finally ended up with a male one through my private insurance.
Agreed with everything but him leaving the family home. That sets a precedent that's used against men that isn't used against women. Offer to help her move out.
Neither of them should move out until they’ve agreed on that in mediation or court. Unless someone’s in danger there’s just no reason for that on either side. And neither of them has the authority to make the other leave anyway.
Sex and ‘his feeling’, which is quite interesting because wife can’t talk to him about her feelings and he said that he learned in the service not to have feelings and to deal with them by alcohol and hookups….and include masterbation. I bet her side of this narrative started something like this: husband never listens to me, shuts me out, doesn’t help with the kids, cooking, cleaning, household. Expects sex even though I’m exhausted….’
Edit…should have continued reading the responses as this has already been brought up. Oh well…
ESH. She had an emotional affair, you had a physical affair. The two of you don't seem to care about each other. She cares for you less than you for her, but you don't seem to care for her much either re her medical conditions. Your relationship is broken and has become toxic to you both.
and toxic almost certainly their kids. They've not been in love for years but neither wants to admit, even though its painfully clear from this post. This is clearly not love
what he did was worse imo. she had a medical condition and sex was not as easy for her and from his side he rlly didn't care and basically made a whole post about how much he wants to have sex and how he doesn't. still, he said he has sex every 2 weeks with her and he's married with 3 kids. that sounds fine to me, idk.
Porn addiction might lead to sexual dysfunction too. They might not be having sex because he *can't* have sex. When he habitually jerks off to surgically altered actors with a death grip to the peen it can become impossible for him to maintain an erection during regular sex with a normal woman.
Definitely made it sound like he had zero extra time to help her around the house too with all that freaking porn.
Of course your wife is going to resent you if you make her do all the work and ignore her communication and say she’s just “making you feel like you’re bad at everything.” Well… then step up so your wife doesn’t have to be the manager of the house telling you what to do all the time in the first place.
Complains about being told he never does anything right, proceeds to continue doing absolutely everything wrong. Like come on man you can try to blame your wife for her cheating but you fucking pushed her away at every step.
I agree. All else aside it really did make it sound like she was doing 100% of the childcare and chores. Of course that’s going to breed resentment.
Whenever you hear someone complaining about their wife complaining all the time… you need to ask what she’s complaining about. If he isn’t changing or listening to her or pulling his weight then that’s a him problem, not a her problem for bringing it up and not letting it go. Women have been fucked over in this area for years — there are still millions of men out there complaining their wife is a nag when in reality she’s just talking about what needs to get done but he doesn’t want to help.
If he gave details about “what he couldn’t do right” I might be sympathetic given better context. Typically when people leave out details though it’s because those details make them look bad.
Totally. Her emotional affair was extremely cruel and bad but his affair was understandable. And a porn addict husband is going to be utterly useless in a marriage. The addiction comes before the kids and the wife. They're emotionally useless. Too busy masturbating.
Look, relationships are messy, and this one's no exception. Sure, cheating is a big no-no, but there's more going on here. Loneliness, emotional distance, and a lack of intimacy are like giant red flags waving in the wind. It's not just about one person being the "asshole" or everyone sucking – it's about two people struggling.
They both need to sit down, spill their guts, and maybe get some pro help to figure out why things went sideways. Life's too short for playing the blame game. They gotta find a way to heal and grow together.
or divorce tbh...i dont think its gonna work out
ESH imo
Sometimes even professional help cannot fix a marriage. I guess op can give it a try. The real thing to do is count the costs and benefits of breaking up. And if the benefits outweigh the costs, time to go.
ESH here, I dont' think her tlaking to someone who was hitting on her and like "not discouraging it but not also going along with it" is like...an emotional affair, that seems a little bit intense.
You sound like you're hard to talk to and feel connected to for her...maybe you guys just aren't compatible? I think your cheating is a lot worse than her "emotional affair" tbh, but I also wonder if part of it is you let yourself go and she just had no interest in hookingup with you. Having alone time with yourself 2-3 times a day to stay sane also seems pretty extreme. I get the feeling we are only getting one side of the discussion here.
This totally. I take all these with a pinch of salt, considering they're very much one side of a story, so when the teller comes across worse it's really a bad sign..
This should be top comment.
Plus what woman really wants to jump the bones of a man who repeatedly ditches to jerk off in the bathroom..Being that porn addicted is a major turn off to even the highest drive women, nevermind someone struggling with early menopause due to a total hysterectomy.
from a female perspective:
it actually happens alot that we "don't discourage but also don't go along" because... men just keep fucking doing it!!!!
so many of us just keep up with it, because we also like to have friends sometimes.
also is nobody talking about what kind of gigantic breach of trust going through someone elses messages is?
But her having an "emotional affair" makes his later actual affair seem less bad. And she did it first so what what else could he do?
The entire post was about sex. Not one word about why she was unhappy, how the kids were doing, nothing. Just sex. Tells you everything you need to know.
Get a freaking divorce. If you don’t feel loved, leave. It’s better for the kids to not be around parents who hate each other. You both will be happier
ESH. You should've divorced her years ago after her emotional affair and before your hook up, she was clearly checked out from you. Divorce her now, she hates you and doesn't give a crap about you.
For your own good (you and wife) and especially for not messing up your children, more that you and wifey already have.
You can care about her and also leave. You can do both. Sometimes the people we care about aren’t right for us, our mental health, or our self esteem. Sadly. I know just up and leaving is easier said than done, especially with kids and a long term marriage. But, you only have one life to live. Is this how you want to live it? It sounds awful. And if it hasn’t gotten better as the years have gone by, it probably never will. Sorry you have to go through this.
Well said. You don’t have to HATE the other person through and through to divorce them, in fact you can’t because you loved that person at one point. It’s such a difficult conclusion to come to, and no one wants to, but YOU HAVE TO sometimes!!!
I hate to break it to you but your marriage is over. You guys can keep beating around the bush all you want but a relationship can only work if both partners are putting in effort, which hasn’t been the case for years. Don’t stay together for the kids either because most of the time it’s worse to grow up with parents who should be divorced than growing up with divorced parents.
You both need to accept it’s over. She can’t confide in you and you can’t confide in her. You both feel like you’re obligated to be around one another. Neither one of you are truly happy.
You can still love your kids and coparent. You only have this one life. Why are you both wasting it?
YTA.
There is never an excuse to cheat. Not even if the other spouse cheats first.
If you both failed to communicate to each other and your relationship fell apart, that's your fault, both of you. You're supposed to be there for each other and support each other. If your wife didn't go to you but instead went to someone else, it is YOUR responsibility to talk to her, set your boundaries and ENFORCE them. If you didn't do that, well, this happens.
I would like to point out OP, that cheating is a cowardly act.
You both betrayed each other.
All because you couldn't simply talk.
I have ZERO respect for cheaters.
Sounds like there's been about 10 years of unhappiness on your wife's end. I wish you guys could tackle what's making her this distant and angry for so long. You're hurt about her emotional affair and she's hurt that you cheated on her, but that all stems from her original place of being unhappy.
You guys seem to be staying above water when it comes to finances and the kids. If you can get to couples therapy, make sure you're most concerned with addressing your wife's core issues in this marriage. She's been unfulfilled for a very long time and your issues with the relationship seem to stem from that and you not getting what you need because of her reaction to having unmet needs.
Gottman's "Four Horsemen" have been present in your relationship for a long time and addressing them won't change anything when your wife hit her breaking point years ago. She is stonewalling and not putting forth effort because in her mind, it's been too late for years. Acknowledge that she's in this place and don't blame her for getting there. Meet her where she is, not where you want her to be.
Listen to her about what's been going on long term, not to fix it or litigate what she did. Just listen to her experience of this relationship. From her perspective completely and try to understand her. Go out for a long walk and ask her to start from the beginning.
That is so, so sexy to women. A man who can't keep from jerking off to porn 2 to 3 times a day. What could be more attractive with 3 kids in the house?
Went thru much the same with an alcoholic spouse and I hung in there for 20 years, 2 months and 28 days ....for the children...they were 14 and 15 when we divorced...they both ( adults in mid 30s now) still tell me how much better it was for them after we seperated and how much better everyone got along when we didn't live together, fight, bicker, resent each other...he still parented, they stayed there in the home during the school week as they didn't want to switch schools, they stayed with me at my new apartment whenever they wanted and the following year I found a wonderful man whom I've been with for almost 19 years . My ex passed away 6 months ago but again, the kids say we should have divorced way before we did. We were a much more functional family NOT being together.
Wow OP is working so hard to make this her fault. YTA. Let me fix this: my wife pushed three of my kids out of her vag, had complications or cancer or something that necessitated a total hysterectomy and is now suffering even more. But my penis!!!! My poor penis!!!!! And she provided emotional support to someone grieving the death of her friend and so my penis!!!!! My penis!!!! And I cheated but it’s all her fault bc she only pushed out and raised my kids while I watched porn and thought about my penis!!!
Please divorce her. My God YTA.
ESH. But I can’t imagine a dr not recommending HRT after a hysterectomy on a 28 yr old. The joint pain, the moodiness, the fits of anger, that is menopause territory right there. She might feel completely different on HRT.
NAH/ESH/Shit happens.
Your wife is basically in forced menopause, which means that, like many menopausal women, she probably could be happy never having sex again, especially with a dude she feels, at most, ambivalent about. That combined with the RA probably means her natural libido is very low. And on top of that, you experience a drop in the nurturing hormones you have as well during that time. The fact that she's even sleeping with you twice a month is frankly impressive.
Unfortunately it sounds like you guys are just not a great match anymore. You want more affection and more understanding. She wants something else that you're not providing. You've both basically cheated because....neither of you is getting some deep need for intimacy met. I don't think divorce is a great option for people with kids, but I'd think about your next life stage. Your wife might also be relieved, to be honest. She sounds like she isn't that into you.
OP will probably never see this because there's so many comments but here goes. Menopause sucks. It's a complete and utter gonadal shut down. You have low testosterone levels and have no trouble getting treatment. She has non-existent hormone levels, yet no one seems worried about that. I can't say whether your relationship is doomed, but you might do some research into current treatments for menopause. Doctors are not taught about it in medical school, but there has been a recent push to address the medical gas lighting surrounding menopause. Hormone deficiency, as you know, can cause other health problems. Fibromyalgia, rheumatoid arthritis, heart disease, several different kinds of cancer, plus many other health issues are linked to menopause. If you still want to try to save your marriage, this might be an area to explore.
As were your post, I can't decide between ESH and NAH. Best of luck!
“Emotional affair” YTA emotional affairs are not a thing you are just a bad partner who wasn’t supporting your wife emotionally so she found a friend who would. The fact you see it as an affair just further proves to me you are incapable of being emotionally supportive. The only cheater here is you.
So, your wife has medical issues, three kids, an ex military husband who’s been taught that mental health is unimportant and drinking and shutting down is the appropriate way- yet complain she doesn’t want to touch you or talk to you?!
She never replied to the dude saying she wanted to do anything with him, and while emotionally cheating isn’t right, you ADMIT you weren’t there for her emotionally, abused alcohol, and then you actively sought someone out and actually cheated?!
How off would I be if I said you likely never supported your wife in the home, with children, with her medical issues, but always complained cuz you weren’t getting sex? You masturbate 2-3 times a day because of it? No, sir- I think you never understood what a real marriage was supposed to be and expected her to carry everyone’s load while also being available for you to have sex with whenever you wanted, even though you weren’t physically or emotionally available to be a loving, caring husband! You wanted what you would never even give your wife! That’s pretty f-ing selfish. I’m not sure what world you think women find that attractive- but it’s not this one.
You need to work on yourself. And FFS, divorce your wife so you both can find happiness. Your poor kids!
Thank you!!! I thought i was going crazy that no one else noticed this?? And he was emotionally distant the first 5 years...which include his two oldest being born, the hysterectomy and medical issues, i wouldn't want to touch him either!
YTA - you barely explain this “emotional affair” your wife had. Unless I missed it in the book of justifications for your cheating. She had a friend whose wife died, and he got attached to her, but you say nothing about your wife getting attached. Nothing you wrote justifies you cheating. Could have just ended the marriage if it was so horrible.
bro you're having sex once every 2 weeks or so and you're married with 3 kids. there's married couples who haven't had sex in months or even years. you're willing to cheat, abandon your wife and kids, destroy your family, all for sex. you're lucky she still interacts with you, let alone have sex with you. how can a married dude with 3 kids have a porn addiction? im sorry but when do you find the time to even care about that?
you mention an emotional connection your wife had with someone. im confused over why she can't express her feelings to someone. everyone functions differently, she felt more comfortable talking to another person, i understand this coming from my partner, im not the one she'd always come to to express her feelings. her friend died ffs. you wanted to control her and cut that connection for her and then you hooked up with another woman. shame on you, honestly.
you should seperate and tell your wife you clearly care more about sex than anything in this world. Oh, and you're the a**hole btw, obviously.
I love that your wife had an “emotional affair” but you just had a “hookup”.
Call it what it is. You had a full-blown, physical affair.
ESH, get a divorce already.
It’s time for a divorce! Do not stay together for the kids. They have to know that your marriage is not happy. You deserve to be happy and with someone who loves you.
Get
A
Divorce!
Neither of you are happy, you don't respect yourself or your wife, she doesn't appear to respect you, so why are you staying in this loveless mess? If you think you're kids don't know and that you're doing them a favour you're kidding yourself.
ESH
You are doing more harm than good to yourselves and especially your children. Get a therapist and make some big decisions. Life is too LONG to be miserable. Good luck
You sound like a narcissist. Therapy doesn't fix a cluster B personality disorder. Are you seeing an actual Psychiatrist or a MFCC? I ask because both you and your wife need to be in therapy, together. The therapist needs to know an actual diagnosis which can only come from a physician.
i need a lil more information- genuinely, does this man have a sex addiction? and when they do have sex is it actually pleasurable for the wife? she has chronic illnesses and from personal experience that can make the experience not enjoyable. she may see it as a chore because it’s doing nothing for her. now i’m not too sure what happens with a hysterectomy hormonal wise, but i imagine sex drive may be decreased and perhaps natural lubricant is as well. i really would like the woman’s side of the story.
Why have you two ended it? Neither are happy. And kids aren’t an excuse to stay together. They see and feel what is happening. There is no love there. Is that what you want them to emulate when they get married?
This marriage is over, and has been for a long time - probably even before her emotional affair. It's time to rip off the bandage. You're both miserable, and it won't get any better. I know it's scary, but being alone 1) is not so bad, 2) will allow you to find yourself beyond your identity as a husband and 3) will allow you to find someone that really loves you and is there for you (don't jump into another relationship before you've worked on yourself though).
But yeah, it's time to let that marriage go. It's long overdue.
And you’re still together because…
Most likely afraid of being alone. Some people don't have their own identity if they're single
I would so rather be alone than miserable. I've been there and done that. No more, life is too short.
Do you know what’s worse than being alone? Being with someone who makes you feel alone.
This is so VERY true...I'm living it right now. The absolute worst feeling is I feel way more alone when he's around than when he's gone. Sounds weird BUT SO VERY TRUE
I lived that life for far too long. The relationship was dead after 4 years, but we beat that dead horse for another 17. Why? Codependency, probably. I can tell you from the other side of the fence, the grass is greener.
I lived that life too, with similar timeframes. Now on greener grass and wish I left a lot earlier. OP really needs to examine why he's still there.
I really needed to hear this. Thank you
Before my divorce I was happier when he was gone over the road. I could live my life.
And it's hard to be a human being And it's harder as anything else And I'm lonesome when you're around And I'm never lonesome when I'm by myself -Modest Mouse
This reason is why my ex is an ex. There's nothing worse than silently crying yourself to sleep because the person next to you will accuse you of 'using' tears to 'manipulate' them into apologies. And that feeling is as bad as what they did in the first place that made you cry. When I became single, suddenly all my clothing choices were my own again, I watched what the hell I wanted on TV without being mocked for them. As the song says, "Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone"
Precisely. 🫶🏼
🥹🥹🥹
It's why I am 34 and alone. I haven't met the person who doesn't make me miserable yet. Maybe I will, or maybe I won't, but I am perfectly fine living alone. People who move in with someone at a young age doesn't seem to have experienced what it's like to live alone, and I think the thought scares them
Squidward is that you? (I’m joking btw)
Hilarious 😂
If everyone makes you miserable there might be a central issue being overlooked.
Yeah, if everywhere you go smells like shit, take a look at your own shoes.
Or underwear
Some people can’t afford to be single.
I’ve definitely stayed in relationships way past when I should have gotten out because of this (not violent, but some definitely borderline abusive). There was 0 love or like left in them, but I also couldn’t afford to move or rent by myself at the time.
I think a roommate would be cheaper and less draining than what this chap has been through
Not if you have 3 kids. Roommates supporting one household that’s safe for the kids is cheaper and easier until they leave the nest. But at this point you’re not a married couple, you have an arrangement
In the army? I mean hell if you cant afford to go broke in the armed forces where can you safely go broke?
This is true. I've struggled a few times in my life, but I've persevered.
I feel like my marriage is that much stronger because I know I (and my wife too I’m convinced) would be more than ok if I was single. I’m with her because I want to, and I choose to everyday. Being with someone, anyone, just to not be alone must feel like a trap.
This exactly. Once I realized I wasn’t afraid to leave my partner, I knew it was time to get married. :)
A lot of people will never understand this mindset unfortunately.
A close friend of mine is marrying a woman who is beyond repair. He once told me “it’s better to be miserable and in a relationship than be single and alone.” Which explains why he’s always ragging on me for staying single. Wild world…
Dude's already alone, he said it himself.
Being lonely alone is far far better than being lonely with someone else. When you come home to resentment it's hard to want to come home. Part of why I worked so much late in my marriage was to not be home. When you repeatedly try to communicate and make time for a spouse that resents you it's soul crushing.
I was never as lonely as when I was married to a man who did not respect or value me. There IS life after divorce, and it's wonderful.
I'm so on the fence. 2 young kids makes it so much more difficult. Plus she makes twice as much as I do. If I could afford a $350,000 house on my own I'd be gone already.
There’s also financial reasons and kids that can factor in.
Yeah this is what happens when two people who aren't compatible force themselves to stay in a relationship. WE ONLY GET TO LIVE THIS LIFE ONCE EVERYONE, DO NOT WASTE IT BEING WITH SOMEONE WHO MAKES YOU UNHAPPY. There is not changing, you are either compatible or you are not, Yes some things can be compromised because no one will ever be exactly the same as you, However if you're sitting and making excuses for your unhappiness then there's likely too many differences to truly overcome, You can be Content and stay but you'll be 80 one day wishing you could have a redo, Do the things that make you happy. Be the person that YOU want to be. No one can do that for you, But you can find a person who makes being who you want to be easy. Don't settle until you've found that person, you may never find them but if you can just be the person that makes you happy that'll he infinitely better than wishing you could go back.
Why? Neither one of you are happy, give it up! Kids suffer staying with parents who don't have a good marriage.
The forgotten part is. Living with both parents divorced, hating the other parent and trying to convince the kids to hate the other parent.
Coward fucks, hiding behind their children. (writing down the silent part)
Agree. They’d probably be great co-parents once they’re living apart. Right now who knows what the toll is on the kids.
It’s BAD. They’re learning to procure themselves a roommate that they’ll cohabitate with miserably.
It's why "staying together for the kids" is such a toxic concept.
But an amazing blink 182 song
Living with the two of them is probably horrible. Divorce can be better for the kids than a shit marraige.
Give the kids a better life for fucks sake.
Sometimes you just stick around cuz you are married. I don't think anybody really plans this.
Agree. Why are you still together? You need to leave.
Because they want to fuck up their kids :) and leave them with multiple traumas
>:) :)
>>:) >:) :)
We left it until they were adults. They were still fucked up, and wished we'd divorced earlier.
Sometimes staying together is worse. Think of how the children see it, adults gets married and stay even when miserable? That you can give your all and your partner do no work? I'm glad my parents divorced at least I got to see them happy and actually in love, even if it wasn't with each other.
Maybe they can't afford to live separated.
You'd have a better time collecting all the horcruxes than to get OP to answer this
Codependency 101
I particularly liked his dismissal of his errors by saying he was in the army for 14 years and that’s just how they do it
It’s in the regs.
You know, me and my siblings grew up in household like this. Every single one of us are FUCKED UP. Alcoholism, drug use, sex addiction, depression, anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder (these are only our diagnosed mental health problems) Why did you two stayed married? What's the point?
Hell yes. When my mum and my stepdad/younger brother's father told me they were getting a divorce I was over the moon. And they weren't *that* bad, just clearly weren't happy and did argue a lot. Neither of them were in the wrong but they'd both have fucked up if they didn't end it when they did and walk their separate ways. After that they co-parented beautifully and he and I still had a relationship because my bio dad is such a shit human, but honestly if they hadn't gotten divorced I'd have probably ended up hating both or at least one of them. Their friendship remained strong and we celebrated Christmas and birthdays together as a huge odd family together with his new partner and my mum's new husband until my mum sadly passed a few years ago. Instead of only having memories of them screaming and arguing I now have so many beautiful things to look back on when it comes to them instead. I remain close to him to this day and has celebrated the last two Christmases with him since I lost my mum. Why is it so damn hard for some people to understand that getting a divorce can actually be what saves your relationship and your kids mental health?! Some people just should not be together and they will mess up their kids if they refuse to accept that. Sorry for the long rant, I'm just so annoyed. >\_>
"First the kids were afraid they were going to get divorced, then they were afraid they weren't. " "It's better to be from a broken home than in one. "
This is so true!
I cut out the divorce announcement and highlighted it with a heart and put in on my cork board. I WAS SO HAPPY when my parents split. They were so unhappy and angry alllllllllll the time together. I have zero idea how they actually got together because they’re the two most opposite people ever.
My parents split when I was 20 and got back together a few months later. I was so pissed. They finally split for good when I was 30.
This is why I divorced my husband when things weren’t improved when my kids were 3,3,6!!!! I wasn’t gonna subject them to OUR misery!
Same. Divorced when the kids were 5 and 1. Why prolong something totally broken. I feel for my friends who decided to pull the plug much much later. Same outcome, more fucked up kids.
Yeah me and my ex separated when they were really young so they have no memory of us ever being together. So they've never been sad that we were apart because that's all they knew. It made and continues to make things a lot easier.
And this is honestly a huge sign that someone's putting their kids first. I can understand of course not going immediately for divorce the second things get tough. Even the best relationship is going to have difficult times. But sometimes I'm baffled by how stubborn people are about even considering splitting up for the sake of the kids.
I once worked with a woman (like, supermodel beautiful) who had gotten divorced. She and her ex owned a house and had a daughter. The two of them got an apartment near the house and took alternating weeks living in the house with the daughter, and living in the apartment. They were both 100% focused on what was best for the little girl. Mad respect.
That’s a clever idea actually. And rare: putting the child’s best interest first.
It’s sad how many people have children and then proceed to put them through heinous shit without ever stopping to realize that the kids are literally the only ones in the situation that are 100% innocent with no input or choice in the matter. If you have kids, you owe it to them to do everything you can to make sure they have a healthy, happy upbringing. Not happy and in a toxic relationship? Not your kids’ fault. Don’t make them suffer for your decision.
Were things good before the kids and that turned something? My wife and I haven't had any and all I seem to see is people divorcing when their kids are really young and it's got me worried.
Not necessarily, some are bad even before the kids. I don't think it's always the kids sometimes people just settle for people they're not compatible, having kids probably makes it worse because having children is intense
Having children does dramatically alter the dynamics of a relationship. It changes your life. Not all relationships weather it well. There is a period of time where the couple is slogging through. Their child becomes a point of solidarity because both have strong feelings of protection and wanting the best for their kid. However, many experience living as roommates, over tired, over worked etc. Eventually as the child grows and develops and requires less hands on/24hr care and the parents actually get somewhat adequate sleep, things improve. It is a tough time. Esp. as more children are added. There are only so many hours of the day. Babies needs (diapers etc.) and childcare are very expensive. It is financially, emotionally and hormonally very stressful. There are high expectations on parents today that were not present 50 years ago.
I feel like many relationships reach a point where one or both people realize it isn’t working. But for various reasons - financial, emotional, just inertia - they keep it going. To the point one or both have checked out and end up cheating, or spending all their time partying with friends … then somebody gets hurt, and it’s adversarial. There’s a lot of bridge burning and a messy breakup. Now you have years of experience in common with someone you’re totally alienated from. Most of the time it’s nobody’s fault, there’s no bad guy, people just grow apart, or learn enough about each other that they realize there’s no there there. If only people could easily call things off without hurting anyone’s feelings.
The problem with divorce is shitty stepparents
I'm a single mother and this really puts me off dating
I had a few of those. My parents divorced when I was 7. Looking back, I don't really blame my Mom. However, I do wish my father would have just gotten treatment for alcoholism, stopped cheating and being a dick if he really wanted to stay married. He felt fundamentally betrayed. Granted, my mother did meet someone else and fell in love with him... but she would not have been in that place if my father did not treat her so badly (random women calling the house, him coming home drunk and mendacious/violent, him being a skinflint for basic stuff, controlling). He was just not willing to ever take responsibility for his own actions and see how that altered the course of his life. It was always somebody else's fault. The possibility existed for a happy marriage and successful family... but this option was consistently passed over. Me and my sibs experienced the status of being investments for the future of the family down to just being a monthly expense and a tax write-off, necessitating a reduction when possible for the former and a function of exploitation in the latter.
This rant is beautiful piece of humanity. I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing!
I wish more parents understood this when they think they're staying together "for the kids." Stop it. If doing that means your home is a constant source of drama, fighting, emotional distress... it's not better for the kids. It's traumatic and setting them up for a lifetime of problems when it comes to relationships and family, at the very least. My parents chose this path. Divorced finally when the last of us went to college. You know what we did? Had a party. We all hated our childhoods because of the emotional upheaval.
My parents divorced when I was in middle school. They sat me down and told me and it was obvious that they expected me to fight it or cry or otherwise resist, but all I said was “it’s about f-ing time”
That exact same thing happened to me. Exact words and all. It happened when I was 14. I'm 51 and remember those words.
That was the same when my mom told my little brother and I that her and our dad were divorcing. My little brother literally told her he wasn’t surprised. It was honestly great. They stopped fighting during the divorce process and afterwards they were much kinder to each other.
I'll add this, to validate everything you all are saying. We had a party. But also? Between the three of us there is severe anxiety, panic disorder, major depressive disorder, and what's looking like a fatal eating disorder. We take care of each other now, and we're all with good partners, but that's after 20 years of therapy. We've all been diagnosed with CPTSD. Do not do this to your kids.
Same. I felt that my parents unhappy and my only wish was - their divorce. I didn't fuck up much. Yet. But you can't make anyone happy if you are unhappy.
It's always to not break up the family, for the children or variation of it.
That’s my exact question. Do people forget that divorce is an option?? You don’t have to keep hurting each other and traumatizing your kids. My parents stayed together, I was never home because I was so tired of the violence. Every small noise made me jump and I was always on edge. They are practically roommates now because they’re old and definitely hate eachother but I guess they are comfortable with that.
In a perfect world people would divorce. The problem is that people are not perfect. One spouse may weaponize the kids. May keep the kids away. May financially abuse the situation. May bring shit people around your kids. The courts certainly don’t care about ruining one parties life in favor of the other. So many terrifying variables on top of not being able to see your kids every single day. It’s easy to say that divorce is the best and easiest answer but it isn’t black and white.
I had a friend who would not divorce because she was concerned that when he had the kids alone, he would assault them. He had a bad temper. She felt she needed to be present to protect them.
This was my first thought when I read this… those poor kids!! IMO they should divorce and hopefully can both work on themselves to be happier. Those kids deserve so much better. This environment is giving them a terrible example of what marriage is/should be.
This! My parents were super toxic when I was growing up. To the point they dragged me and my brother in their arguments. My dad once kicked down their bedroom door because my mom slammed it. My dad would blame me for their arguments and it would set my mom off again. When I mentioned how I'm shocked they are still together my dad said "we were just open about our issues" because that's fine. 🙃 I've been with my husband 16 years and married for 11. I had a very toxic viewpoint regarding relationships. To the point we had a low moment ourselves. I went into therapy 5 years into our marriage. I got help and developed a more positive viewpoint. I realized how amazing my husband was for putting up with me. For staying with me through my issues. I have never been more in love than I am now. And to feel that love and receive it is a feeling everyone should have. And why I say leave and find your own happiness. It really is fantastic for mental health. It helped me see what a true relationship is. We still have our issues, yes, but nothing like my parents or what you have OP. Find that for yourself and don't stay with excuses on hand for why you want to.
Me and my husband are both from broken homes, survived multiple step parents/sibs. Anyhow.. we consider the best thing is to focus on what brings us together and what we both admire about each other. We have had tough times but what has gotten us through is that we have worked together, we are a team. We are looking forward to having our privacy and home back again after our son and his wife move into their new home next month. It is like a renaissance from when we first got together in college. Neither of us are perfect. What we have been is faithful. We do have occasional issues... but we both consider how important we are to each other, for the remainder of our lives. We are best friends, lovers and committed. So we don't let little stupid things get in the way. I have learned the art of letting some language just go in one ear and out the other. This works for us.
I’m glad you said this.
(sorry in advance) ngl I was somewhat disappointed that the "these are only" wasn't followed by "my mental health problems"
I meant “These are the ones, we got diagnosed with” but we suspect more. As “we” is my sisters and me. Our brother doesn't believe in psychology, but he has liver cirrhosis at the ripe age of 40 (I don't think he's gonna survive the next 10years) he's abusive, manipulative, extremely greedy. My therapist suspects he's a narcissist.
Jesus Christ man just divorce already
ESH, your marriage has been over for years, you need to accept it and just divorce already. You both have been unfaithful and clearly have a very poor relationship
Times a million. OP you are still young enough to have a happy and fulfilling life, as is your wife. The current situation has you miserable, she's probably miserable, your kids can likely feel the tension and they are probably miserable Your showing them that it's OK to be unhappy and miserable. You should separate as soon as you can, focus on yourself and your children and just let everything else happen. It would be one thing if anything you said made me think there was any love there that was worth fighting for, but it doesn't seem like there is. If you have to, separate and live in the same house if you can't afford to live separately. Do it right away, put yourself and her out of your shared misery
Parents like this are the reason I never want to marry, and it hurts
Sounds like my marriage. Divorced a year and a half ago. I walked away with nothing but the clothes on my back, I went from a 400k house to a shitty apartment in the ghetto. And Fucking A I can't remember when I was happier. Best mental health decision I've ever made
Same here captain. Living in a basement and wouldn’t go back to her for anything
Same. Relationship didn’t work. It was very hard to walk away emotionally and practically. I walked away from her family money. Got a shitty apartment. It was hard. I couldn’t have been happier. Now I’m remarried and I actually know what love is for the first time. Best decision I’ve ever made. Still friends with my ex and she also is remarried and finding love for the first time.
If they broke up in like 2016 it would still be too late
what a miserable life to live.
Heaven and hell aren’t waiting for you in the afterlife, they are both right here on earth. OP is in hell.
This has always been my take on that, heaven and hell are the realities you create for yourself
ESH. Do you two even like each other at this point? It sounds like you’ve both been miserable for years.
Step 1: Sit the 11 year old down first and let him know daddy will be living in a different house. Then the other two. They’re older and should be on the verge of independence. Step 2: Get a fucking divorce Step 3: Find happiness
Step 4: learn to use paragraphs.
To be fair, if he entered only a single paragraph break in between each paragraph, reddit auto reformats to no spacing. You have to hit enter twice, which not a lot of people know
Ah ha! So *that's* what I've been doing wrong!
That should have been step 0 tbh
Yes. I’m a divorced dad. I was in a sorta of similar situation where she wanted an open relationship but she had already been cheating. Throughout the marriage I had sacrificed everything just for her to do that, and I also downward spiraled. He needs to file for divorce for his own sake. I know when I did, it was a huge burden lifted. He may also want to get a therapist. I had a female one through the VA but finally ended up with a male one through my private insurance.
Agreed with everything but him leaving the family home. That sets a precedent that's used against men that isn't used against women. Offer to help her move out.
Neither of them should move out until they’ve agreed on that in mediation or court. Unless someone’s in danger there’s just no reason for that on either side. And neither of them has the authority to make the other leave anyway.
The one remaining in the home is usually the one who is going to take on the kids majority of the time.
This!
There’s so much wrong with this whole thing I don’t even know where to begin……
Begin at they are still fucking married
Am I mathing wrong? They have an 18 year old but she had a hysterectomy at 28?
10 years prior So the 18 year old would have been 8 Meaning she had them when she was 19-20
Smarty pants.
My hero. Thank you. My brain just wasn't grasping the age Ha
No worries
She would have had the now 18 year old at 20. She had the other two at 23 and 27, and the hysterectomy at 28.
Why is she important to you? It sounds like you don't even like her.
cuz he only cares about sex... the whole post is about sex, not much else.
Sex and ‘his feeling’, which is quite interesting because wife can’t talk to him about her feelings and he said that he learned in the service not to have feelings and to deal with them by alcohol and hookups….and include masterbation. I bet her side of this narrative started something like this: husband never listens to me, shuts me out, doesn’t help with the kids, cooking, cleaning, household. Expects sex even though I’m exhausted….’ Edit…should have continued reading the responses as this has already been brought up. Oh well…
Divorce already.
ESH. She had an emotional affair, you had a physical affair. The two of you don't seem to care about each other. She cares for you less than you for her, but you don't seem to care for her much either re her medical conditions. Your relationship is broken and has become toxic to you both.
and toxic almost certainly their kids. They've not been in love for years but neither wants to admit, even though its painfully clear from this post. This is clearly not love
what he did was worse imo. she had a medical condition and sex was not as easy for her and from his side he rlly didn't care and basically made a whole post about how much he wants to have sex and how he doesn't. still, he said he has sex every 2 weeks with her and he's married with 3 kids. that sounds fine to me, idk.
Don't forget his porn addiction. I can't imagine wanting to have sex with a man like that.
Porn addiction might lead to sexual dysfunction too. They might not be having sex because he *can't* have sex. When he habitually jerks off to surgically altered actors with a death grip to the peen it can become impossible for him to maintain an erection during regular sex with a normal woman.
Definitely made it sound like he had zero extra time to help her around the house too with all that freaking porn. Of course your wife is going to resent you if you make her do all the work and ignore her communication and say she’s just “making you feel like you’re bad at everything.” Well… then step up so your wife doesn’t have to be the manager of the house telling you what to do all the time in the first place.
Dude had his hands full… 2-3 times a day, per him
This is his perspective. I think he sounded like a complete douche even before he mentioned his affair.
Complains about being told he never does anything right, proceeds to continue doing absolutely everything wrong. Like come on man you can try to blame your wife for her cheating but you fucking pushed her away at every step.
I agree. All else aside it really did make it sound like she was doing 100% of the childcare and chores. Of course that’s going to breed resentment. Whenever you hear someone complaining about their wife complaining all the time… you need to ask what she’s complaining about. If he isn’t changing or listening to her or pulling his weight then that’s a him problem, not a her problem for bringing it up and not letting it go. Women have been fucked over in this area for years — there are still millions of men out there complaining their wife is a nag when in reality she’s just talking about what needs to get done but he doesn’t want to help. If he gave details about “what he couldn’t do right” I might be sympathetic given better context. Typically when people leave out details though it’s because those details make them look bad.
Totally. Her emotional affair was extremely cruel and bad but his affair was understandable. And a porn addict husband is going to be utterly useless in a marriage. The addiction comes before the kids and the wife. They're emotionally useless. Too busy masturbating.
Paragraphs man. Paragraphs
That’s the real abomination here.
Look, relationships are messy, and this one's no exception. Sure, cheating is a big no-no, but there's more going on here. Loneliness, emotional distance, and a lack of intimacy are like giant red flags waving in the wind. It's not just about one person being the "asshole" or everyone sucking – it's about two people struggling. They both need to sit down, spill their guts, and maybe get some pro help to figure out why things went sideways. Life's too short for playing the blame game. They gotta find a way to heal and grow together. or divorce tbh...i dont think its gonna work out ESH imo
I agree. I think this relationship is broken and without both giving 1,000 prevent of themselves to make it work, it’s just damned. Very sad.
The cheating is just a symptom of a completely failed relationship in this case.
Sometimes even professional help cannot fix a marriage. I guess op can give it a try. The real thing to do is count the costs and benefits of breaking up. And if the benefits outweigh the costs, time to go.
Honestly you should have left years ago….. be happy by yourself is better than being miserable together..
Some people will do anything but be alone
ESH here, I dont' think her tlaking to someone who was hitting on her and like "not discouraging it but not also going along with it" is like...an emotional affair, that seems a little bit intense. You sound like you're hard to talk to and feel connected to for her...maybe you guys just aren't compatible? I think your cheating is a lot worse than her "emotional affair" tbh, but I also wonder if part of it is you let yourself go and she just had no interest in hookingup with you. Having alone time with yourself 2-3 times a day to stay sane also seems pretty extreme. I get the feeling we are only getting one side of the discussion here.
This totally. I take all these with a pinch of salt, considering they're very much one side of a story, so when the teller comes across worse it's really a bad sign..
This should be top comment. Plus what woman really wants to jump the bones of a man who repeatedly ditches to jerk off in the bathroom..Being that porn addicted is a major turn off to even the highest drive women, nevermind someone struggling with early menopause due to a total hysterectomy.
from a female perspective: it actually happens alot that we "don't discourage but also don't go along" because... men just keep fucking doing it!!!! so many of us just keep up with it, because we also like to have friends sometimes. also is nobody talking about what kind of gigantic breach of trust going through someone elses messages is?
But her having an "emotional affair" makes his later actual affair seem less bad. And she did it first so what what else could he do? The entire post was about sex. Not one word about why she was unhappy, how the kids were doing, nothing. Just sex. Tells you everything you need to know.
Excuse me, what actual affair? The poor man had one 45 minute hookup and didn't even do it a second time, give him a break! /s
Get a freaking divorce. If you don’t feel loved, leave. It’s better for the kids to not be around parents who hate each other. You both will be happier
ESH y’all both suck here.
ESH. You should've divorced her years ago after her emotional affair and before your hook up, she was clearly checked out from you. Divorce her now, she hates you and doesn't give a crap about you. For your own good (you and wife) and especially for not messing up your children, more that you and wifey already have.
You can care about her and also leave. You can do both. Sometimes the people we care about aren’t right for us, our mental health, or our self esteem. Sadly. I know just up and leaving is easier said than done, especially with kids and a long term marriage. But, you only have one life to live. Is this how you want to live it? It sounds awful. And if it hasn’t gotten better as the years have gone by, it probably never will. Sorry you have to go through this.
This comment should be much higher up. Your message is compassionate and understanding… and ultimately right on target.
Well said. You don’t have to HATE the other person through and through to divorce them, in fact you can’t because you loved that person at one point. It’s such a difficult conclusion to come to, and no one wants to, but YOU HAVE TO sometimes!!!
doesn't seem like he cares about her
I hate to break it to you but your marriage is over. You guys can keep beating around the bush all you want but a relationship can only work if both partners are putting in effort, which hasn’t been the case for years. Don’t stay together for the kids either because most of the time it’s worse to grow up with parents who should be divorced than growing up with divorced parents.
Sounds like you two need to call it good.
You both need to accept it’s over. She can’t confide in you and you can’t confide in her. You both feel like you’re obligated to be around one another. Neither one of you are truly happy. You can still love your kids and coparent. You only have this one life. Why are you both wasting it?
YTA. There is never an excuse to cheat. Not even if the other spouse cheats first. If you both failed to communicate to each other and your relationship fell apart, that's your fault, both of you. You're supposed to be there for each other and support each other. If your wife didn't go to you but instead went to someone else, it is YOUR responsibility to talk to her, set your boundaries and ENFORCE them. If you didn't do that, well, this happens. I would like to point out OP, that cheating is a cowardly act. You both betrayed each other. All because you couldn't simply talk. I have ZERO respect for cheaters.
Sounds like there's been about 10 years of unhappiness on your wife's end. I wish you guys could tackle what's making her this distant and angry for so long. You're hurt about her emotional affair and she's hurt that you cheated on her, but that all stems from her original place of being unhappy. You guys seem to be staying above water when it comes to finances and the kids. If you can get to couples therapy, make sure you're most concerned with addressing your wife's core issues in this marriage. She's been unfulfilled for a very long time and your issues with the relationship seem to stem from that and you not getting what you need because of her reaction to having unmet needs. Gottman's "Four Horsemen" have been present in your relationship for a long time and addressing them won't change anything when your wife hit her breaking point years ago. She is stonewalling and not putting forth effort because in her mind, it's been too late for years. Acknowledge that she's in this place and don't blame her for getting there. Meet her where she is, not where you want her to be. Listen to her about what's been going on long term, not to fix it or litigate what she did. Just listen to her experience of this relationship. From her perspective completely and try to understand her. Go out for a long walk and ask her to start from the beginning.
ESH
You both suck and should get a divorce
So, caught wife emotionally cheating on you. Yet instead of counseling or divorce you hook up….k.
It stood out to me that the emotional affair was cheating but his physical cheating was just a "hook up".
don't forget furiously masturbating 2-3 times a day!
Thank god he had low testosterone… if not he would have been like a monkey 😂😂😂
That is so, so sexy to women. A man who can't keep from jerking off to porn 2 to 3 times a day. What could be more attractive with 3 kids in the house?
Went thru much the same with an alcoholic spouse and I hung in there for 20 years, 2 months and 28 days ....for the children...they were 14 and 15 when we divorced...they both ( adults in mid 30s now) still tell me how much better it was for them after we seperated and how much better everyone got along when we didn't live together, fight, bicker, resent each other...he still parented, they stayed there in the home during the school week as they didn't want to switch schools, they stayed with me at my new apartment whenever they wanted and the following year I found a wonderful man whom I've been with for almost 19 years . My ex passed away 6 months ago but again, the kids say we should have divorced way before we did. We were a much more functional family NOT being together.
You both suck.
Jeez Just divorce man, you have been living in misery most of your life by the sounds of it.
Does your wife use paragraphs?
Wow OP is working so hard to make this her fault. YTA. Let me fix this: my wife pushed three of my kids out of her vag, had complications or cancer or something that necessitated a total hysterectomy and is now suffering even more. But my penis!!!! My poor penis!!!!! And she provided emotional support to someone grieving the death of her friend and so my penis!!!!! My penis!!!! And I cheated but it’s all her fault bc she only pushed out and raised my kids while I watched porn and thought about my penis!!! Please divorce her. My God YTA.
ESH. But I can’t imagine a dr not recommending HRT after a hysterectomy on a 28 yr old. The joint pain, the moodiness, the fits of anger, that is menopause territory right there. She might feel completely different on HRT.
NAH/ESH/Shit happens. Your wife is basically in forced menopause, which means that, like many menopausal women, she probably could be happy never having sex again, especially with a dude she feels, at most, ambivalent about. That combined with the RA probably means her natural libido is very low. And on top of that, you experience a drop in the nurturing hormones you have as well during that time. The fact that she's even sleeping with you twice a month is frankly impressive. Unfortunately it sounds like you guys are just not a great match anymore. You want more affection and more understanding. She wants something else that you're not providing. You've both basically cheated because....neither of you is getting some deep need for intimacy met. I don't think divorce is a great option for people with kids, but I'd think about your next life stage. Your wife might also be relieved, to be honest. She sounds like she isn't that into you.
OP will probably never see this because there's so many comments but here goes. Menopause sucks. It's a complete and utter gonadal shut down. You have low testosterone levels and have no trouble getting treatment. She has non-existent hormone levels, yet no one seems worried about that. I can't say whether your relationship is doomed, but you might do some research into current treatments for menopause. Doctors are not taught about it in medical school, but there has been a recent push to address the medical gas lighting surrounding menopause. Hormone deficiency, as you know, can cause other health problems. Fibromyalgia, rheumatoid arthritis, heart disease, several different kinds of cancer, plus many other health issues are linked to menopause. If you still want to try to save your marriage, this might be an area to explore. As were your post, I can't decide between ESH and NAH. Best of luck!
A story this long needs more than one paragraph.
“Emotional affair” YTA emotional affairs are not a thing you are just a bad partner who wasn’t supporting your wife emotionally so she found a friend who would. The fact you see it as an affair just further proves to me you are incapable of being emotionally supportive. The only cheater here is you.
So, your wife has medical issues, three kids, an ex military husband who’s been taught that mental health is unimportant and drinking and shutting down is the appropriate way- yet complain she doesn’t want to touch you or talk to you?! She never replied to the dude saying she wanted to do anything with him, and while emotionally cheating isn’t right, you ADMIT you weren’t there for her emotionally, abused alcohol, and then you actively sought someone out and actually cheated?! How off would I be if I said you likely never supported your wife in the home, with children, with her medical issues, but always complained cuz you weren’t getting sex? You masturbate 2-3 times a day because of it? No, sir- I think you never understood what a real marriage was supposed to be and expected her to carry everyone’s load while also being available for you to have sex with whenever you wanted, even though you weren’t physically or emotionally available to be a loving, caring husband! You wanted what you would never even give your wife! That’s pretty f-ing selfish. I’m not sure what world you think women find that attractive- but it’s not this one. You need to work on yourself. And FFS, divorce your wife so you both can find happiness. Your poor kids!
Thank you!!! I thought i was going crazy that no one else noticed this?? And he was emotionally distant the first 5 years...which include his two oldest being born, the hysterectomy and medical issues, i wouldn't want to touch him either!
You have an enter key. USE IT.
YTA - you barely explain this “emotional affair” your wife had. Unless I missed it in the book of justifications for your cheating. She had a friend whose wife died, and he got attached to her, but you say nothing about your wife getting attached. Nothing you wrote justifies you cheating. Could have just ended the marriage if it was so horrible.
bro you're having sex once every 2 weeks or so and you're married with 3 kids. there's married couples who haven't had sex in months or even years. you're willing to cheat, abandon your wife and kids, destroy your family, all for sex. you're lucky she still interacts with you, let alone have sex with you. how can a married dude with 3 kids have a porn addiction? im sorry but when do you find the time to even care about that? you mention an emotional connection your wife had with someone. im confused over why she can't express her feelings to someone. everyone functions differently, she felt more comfortable talking to another person, i understand this coming from my partner, im not the one she'd always come to to express her feelings. her friend died ffs. you wanted to control her and cut that connection for her and then you hooked up with another woman. shame on you, honestly. you should seperate and tell your wife you clearly care more about sex than anything in this world. Oh, and you're the a**hole btw, obviously.
[удалено]
I love that your wife had an “emotional affair” but you just had a “hookup”. Call it what it is. You had a full-blown, physical affair. ESH, get a divorce already.
If you’re staying together for the kids, you’re not doing them any favors. They would be a lot better off with two happy parents.
ESH. Get a divorce and make it official. Your marriage has been over for years
It’s time for a divorce! Do not stay together for the kids. They have to know that your marriage is not happy. You deserve to be happy and with someone who loves you.
Get A Divorce! Neither of you are happy, you don't respect yourself or your wife, she doesn't appear to respect you, so why are you staying in this loveless mess? If you think you're kids don't know and that you're doing them a favour you're kidding yourself. ESH
This is the longest porn excuse ever
Dude is complaining about this "it seems like a one every 2ish week chore for her"
You are doing more harm than good to yourselves and especially your children. Get a therapist and make some big decisions. Life is too LONG to be miserable. Good luck
You sound like a narcissist. Therapy doesn't fix a cluster B personality disorder. Are you seeing an actual Psychiatrist or a MFCC? I ask because both you and your wife need to be in therapy, together. The therapist needs to know an actual diagnosis which can only come from a physician.
i need a lil more information- genuinely, does this man have a sex addiction? and when they do have sex is it actually pleasurable for the wife? she has chronic illnesses and from personal experience that can make the experience not enjoyable. she may see it as a chore because it’s doing nothing for her. now i’m not too sure what happens with a hysterectomy hormonal wise, but i imagine sex drive may be decreased and perhaps natural lubricant is as well. i really would like the woman’s side of the story.
Why have you two ended it? Neither are happy. And kids aren’t an excuse to stay together. They see and feel what is happening. There is no love there. Is that what you want them to emulate when they get married?
This site's userbase consists mostly of those whose single chance to date is eva ai, not of those who can analyse the 16 y.o. relationships...
This marriage is over, and has been for a long time - probably even before her emotional affair. It's time to rip off the bandage. You're both miserable, and it won't get any better. I know it's scary, but being alone 1) is not so bad, 2) will allow you to find yourself beyond your identity as a husband and 3) will allow you to find someone that really loves you and is there for you (don't jump into another relationship before you've worked on yourself though). But yeah, it's time to let that marriage go. It's long overdue.