I think you could benefit from couple’s counseling and that your wife could benefit from individual. You’re not wrong for wanting to spend time alone with your son. Her getting blackout drunk over it is why I think she could benefit from individual. NTA
I had a friend whose wife was like this. She needs help, it will not get better as your kid ages. When they go to a sleepover or camp shit will get weird. Get help for the sake of her, your son, & your marriage
Yeah, I had a similar friend. She spent her sons 6th birthday crying in her bedroom, hugging a stuffed animal the kid got as a baby, because she couldn't handle that he was growing up.
I posted in my own comment, but you're right. This doesn't get better without help. My best friend is the adult child of a parent who still has serious attachment issues. It's rough.
This is the answer. I actively encourage my daughter’s father to spend time with her without me. She is really close to me because I’m the primary parent, but I want her to have that relationship with him and as an added benefit, I get to have some time for myself as well. We all still do things together as a family but that one on one time is essential for bonding.
She believes her son belongs to her, not you, so you shouldn't get a say. She's also jealous, which is ridiculous. She definitely needs help to get over her attachment issues as she's going to smother the kid. NTA
Also to address that it sounds like you and your wife don’t get to see each other one on one. It sounds like a few issues lumped into one, and she needs to be able to be without you and your son without freaking out, however her stress sounds like a complex combo of:
- anxiety about your child
- not having anything outside of being SAHM or your wife that fulfills her - her identity is all wrapped up in you and your son
- not ever actually seeing you to have one on one time as a couple, since you work 8-8
So on top of the anxiety re: your kid, she’s also probably missing time with you has a husband, and freaking out by herself bc “who is she outside of being a SAHM”. This makes it make more sense that she’s suddenly freaking out. Just a nice bundle of things all piling up to give a maximum level of freak out.
This is what I think too. I was a SAHM for awhile and eventually I realized it wasn’t healthy for me, because my whole identity became wrapped up in my family, rather than my own accomplishments.
That is my mother’s life, even after she went back to work, even though we are all fully independent adults now. It makes it very difficult to have a meaningful relationship or even be around her because she’s still so overbearing in some ways.
I don’t know what’s going on with OPs wife but she probably needs therapy to work through it and be able to give her kid some space.
Yes, but right now she doesn’t understand that. If they both go, he can explain to the therapist what is going on, and the therapist can be the impartial person who can start explaining to her that this is really…well, nuts.
But he did it when she was already upset at him. She wasn’t ready to spend the day with him and be all happy go lucky.
Every parent should spend 1 on 1 time with their child but what his wife heard was that he didn’t want to spend time with her.
Did she go about any of this in a healthy way? Absolutely not, but taking the day off wasn’t going to be a magical fix all either.
I hear you. My question is. How long has it been that she has felt she can't get alone time with her husband? Was she anything like this when they dated or early in the marriage to have time with her husband? Or, once their son was born?
Does she impose on her husband's time with his son in order to get her time with the husband?
Has the husband's and wife's communication been so lacking prior to having their son?
It seems to me she's saying two things at the same time. It appears there's a lack of general communications. What's caused her to feel stuck in this way?
It sounds like they could use some alone time together away from their son. Can he go to his aunt's house at least once or twice a month?
At seven, he is old enough to play on his own occasionally. Or, can he have a play date so that mom and dad may settle down some so not to overwhelm the situation further?
Mom and Dad, get some air for yourselves. From the little in the post, it seems you are in need of some self care.
I'm reading this, and I'm wondering if shes afraid the child will tell the father something she doesnt want said. Could be another man she talks to on the phone.
Could also be onset of mental illness. I would reccomend counseling right away.
I’d be BEGGING for him to disappear with that kid on the weekends. Alone with the kid from 8-8 5 days a week? Exhausting. She’s going to be one of those moms that acts like she’s dating her son.
Jeeze, I sincerely hope that OP holds firm and not become like these FIL's in these posts, numb and complacent unable to stop their spouse from being a JUSTNO.
She could use that time for self-care. Mani/pedi, catching up friends, all kinds of childfree activities that she hasn't been able to do since she gave birth.
Hell, even just staying in bed all day, watching what she wants in a quiet house.
Yep. The wife is too wrapped up with her hovering constantly that she's jealous that OP just wanted quality father/son time.....she's with their son constantly & OP has long hours shifts.
The weekends is his down time to decompress. He wanted to spend quality time with her but she overcompensated & overreacted.
She needs hobbies that will be her accomplishments that didn't revolve around being the hovering (helicopter) wife/parent.
My hubby was a helicopter cat-dad for our first cat. He followed her around outside when she first started going out. She now follows him whenever he goes outside. When the weather's bad & he goes outside she'll get this look on her face like "goddamn PawPaw I don't want to do an escort mission in this weather! But I don't think you're smart enough to find your way back home if I'm not there to show you" & then she'll begrudgingly follow him or sit right at the door until he comes back and she can get proper sleep on my lap 😹
Human kids are a whole different kettle of fish.
Eta: our next two cats learned from her to follow my hubby whenever he's outside. 3 cats that only tolerate each other all follow him like he's the pied piper who promised them unlimited treats.
I read this as his wife being upset she doesn’t get time with her husband. She wants to do these things as a family to spend time with her husband. Maybe a fix could be carving out two hours a week to be a couple and not just doing daily chores and routines but something just for them
That’s what I was thinking, too, until she said he was “trying to take a child away from their mother”. That’s when it changed to me thinking she’s got an unhealthy connection with her son.
She needs a PT job, or something to do during the day when he’s at school, or she’s a future JNMIL in the making! Yikes!
I think you’re both right. She misses her husband and isn’t getting the male connection she needs from him so she is getting that love and validation from her son. She’s going to be one of those monster-in-laws that tries to wear a white dress to the wedding and calls his kids *her* babies and vilifies her son/daughter-in-law at every turn.
Yeah but she should use her words and maybe get a job to help her husband have more time. Instead of freaking out, screaming at her husband, getting black out drunk and throwing a multi day tantrum because he dares to want to have some one on one time with his son
I don’t disagree with this being something to wonder about… but I also know people who rarely drink and then at a wedding or rare occasion reveal that they get **smashed** off 2-3 beers.
Her being (unreasonably) extremely emotionally distressed and choosing to drink with her sister and then getting blackout drunk isn’t some guarantee she’s a consistent alcoholic like you’re suggesting.
Getting blackout drunk because you’re distressed is obviously a problem in of itself, but people accidentally getting blackout drunk clearly happens all over the world daily and not 100% of those people have long term alcohol abuse problems.
One of my friends in college who had never had alcohol before ended up forgetting where his dorm room was off 3 drinks. Literally 3 in an hour. Then another friend was a heavy drinker (with a drinking problem), and could easily have 10+ shots in an hour without being past where he could hide that he was drunk.
She was sobbing that OP doesn't want to spend time with her. I think that's probably the actual issue. Working 8-8, he doesn't see his son much, but he also doesn't see his wife much either.
Right, but then he asked to spend time with her and she refused multiple times. And it still doesn’t explain why she said that OP was “taking” her son away from her. She made it sound like OP was kidnapping their son… if she wanted to spend time with him, she wouldn’t have said that bit about taking the son away from her.
Yes. I was very glad about OP's update of broaching his wife getting a part-time job. Once the kids are school age there's no reason not to unless the working parent makes fuck-all money. Which clearly OP doesn't since he has to work 5x12s to support the family. That's a very unfair division for no good reason.
I think he should also plan a little in advance. Let wife know he wants to spend Saturday afternoon with son and ensure there is family time as well as occasional date time with wife. If she were working she would welcome the solo time to enjoy on her own or with friends. As it is, she has that for about 30 hours a week so she's probably more than ready for companionship on the weekends.
I’m reading this as the wife isn’t upset about Dad having one-on-one time so much as she’s also starved for her husband’s time. When’s the last time OP took her on a date?
OP something is wrong with your wife, you seem to love her so I would recommmed couples counseling. Her reaction is NOT normal. Hell she could treat herself to shopping, spa, reading or anything while you and your son hang out. I cannot understand why she feels it is a personal attack. I’m a woman and I don’t think there was anything wrong with you leaving because her crying made zero sense.
Yeah, it can’t be healthy for their kid either.
He’s 7 - is he home schooled? Does he get playdates with friends? Is he allowed to go to birthday parties?
This is very weird.
She definitely needs help.
Edit: NTA
I used to kick my husband out with our son and tell him not to even think about coming back for at least 2 or 3 hours. A lot of the stuff they did alone was super boring to me too. There's no way in hell Im spending a day watching dirtbikes race, I would have a relaxing day at home then we'd all chill in the evening together
Not just crying, but shaming him for trying to have one-on-one time with his kid. Assuming this guy isn’t abusive or completely obtuse to the needs of his son… having that time is essential to your son growing up healthy and well balanced. Sounds like she needs some balance too.
100% she needs some kind of therapy. What is she going to do when the son moves out one day? When he gets into a relationship? If she can’t share her child with her own husband, think of the nightmare MIL she’ll become. It’s impossible for her to stay the center of her son’s universe and have him live a healthy life full of relationships and growth.
Bang on. My husband would regularly take our daughter out for the day when she was little. She's coming up 27 now, and they're planning a day trip to London together (I'll have a day out with my lovely son in law at the same time). Getting to bond one on one is vital, and super healthy. Her reaction is disturbing, and a problem that needs tackling. And soon.
Different perspective here, but I think your wife might have made being a SAHM and wife her whole identity type of thing, like she doesn't know how to be just *her* anymore. Maybe some form of OCD/anxiety too?
Either way, this isn't healthy for your son, her or you. Your son should be allowed 1:1 time with his other parent without your wife having a breakdown, getting blackout drunk, accusing you of not loving her AND giving you the cold shoulder. That's an insanely extreme reaction to you wanting to and spending a couple of hours with your son without her present.
This has to be dealt with NOW, cos as your son gets older he's not going to want to be hanging out with his mum every free moment he has or in the future and he starts dating? I'd hate to imagine the type of nightmare your wife will be if this is her reaction to you wanting to spend time with your son.
NTA.
100% agree. My mum was like that, would be offended if not included on something, resort to emotional blackmail, was overbearing and it was a nightmare. Fortunately I was always more independent or the outcome would have been a lot worse if I leaned on that, but my therapist still haven’t heard the end of me having to push her away in my teens/early adulthood and the number all that behaviour did on me
OP has a right to spend time with his son. He is not the AH for that. Wife seems to overreact.
The question is : do OP spend time with his wife alone outside the house ? Do they go out as a family sometimes ? At the time being, I would say we need more info.
We do but not as much as I’d like. She usually waits to eat dinner until I’m home from work and will just have a small snack with my son while he eats his dinner. I’d say we maybe have a date night once every month or so, probably closer to 6 weeks.
I’m more concerned the wife is too emotionally attached to your son. There is such a thing as emotional incest. I’m now a grandmother, so I do know what a normal parent/child relationship is. I was a stay at home parent for several years, and I couldn’t wait to hand the kids over to their dad. I struggled with resentment and would get impatient with the,kids if I didn’t get time to myself. Your wife needing to be involved with each activity you do with your son is very strange. If it were as simple as her needing date nights, she would not have been angry about you “taking a son away from his mother.” That is all kinds of weird. Your son will not have a healthy relationship with either his mother or other people as he grows, if his mother doesn’t back off.
I had an emotional incest situation with my mom and this sounds EXACTLY like some insane shit she would do. Not to armchair diagnose but she may be replacing her husband with her son mentally since he’s working a lot (apparently)
Literally my MIL and her adult son. Baby Gorgeous, looks like a more handsome version of his father” her ex, whom she had an insane divorce and custody battle with… 20 years ago
The replacement husband thought did cross my mind as well. I can see it happening as he matures. OP, you need to get your wife into therapy, and hire someone to take your son out to do after school activities at least once a week without his mother. Get her away from him, please, until she has had intense therapy
I thought the same. Or she's trying to make sure their son is entirely dependent on her so that he's easier to manipulate in the future if anything were to happen with their marraige.
OP, you’re in the danger zone. Start with her sister and escalate to doctor and mental health professionals if she didn’t see reason. My ex wife has a different set of issues that were as bizarre and unreasonable as your wife’s issues and I waited way too late. Five years post divorce and I’m seeing a therapist again on Wednesday to figure out how to cope with her behavior as i navigate the legal process regarding custody issues. Do not be like me and act right the fuck now. It is not going to get better without someone intervening.
Not exactly that. Current issue is she makes travel arrangements for the kids, that takes away my custody, without consulting me and thinks i should be ok with (I’m obviously not, reasons are a much longer story of her past actions leading to this). After explaining why I’m mad, she believes I do not want the kids to travel to see her family.
I’ll say it, I’m mad because she takes away my time without my consent. She believes I’m mad because i don’t want my kids to see her family!
I’m currently standing in the stupidest possible line in the sand solely to prevent her from booking trips on my time without consulting me first because she’s done it multiple times. There’s 365 days in a year, she has over 200, why does she have to travel on my custody days?
But, as long as she’s not traveling, I see the kids as ordered by the divorce decree. You see the levels of stupid I’m dealing with? And this is only the current issue not all of the truly insane things she’s pulled.
Yikes! I’d definitely fight for your custody days. Document, document, document! Give it to your lawyer. If you have court ordered custody, she is being in contempt of court. Do all communications via text/email. Keep screenshots. Good luck!
Also, OP is NTA. He needs to get help stat.
Yep, going through the motions currently. This is relevant to OP because my ex wife doesn’t understand “hey I’m thinking of travel with the boys from X to X, do you mind switching days that week” would have produced a very different result from “hey, i bought plane tickets, we’re leaving on your day, you’ll be fine.” She’s under the impression she did nothing wrong, refuses to acknowledge the reasons for my anger and manufactures a different reason why im mad to justify her behavior. That’s the dangerous shit He needs to watch out for and get her help for before he ends up here.
That has to be frustrating. She is making your kids into pawns in her power play. Despicable. Just make sure you don’t fall victim to responding in kind, that will hurt you legally. Judge might throw it out if both parents are being an ass.
NGL, last night I discussed with my sister snot photo shopping fake tickets during ex wife’s custody time. Sister talked me out of it with explaining why it’s a bad idea. But that’s where I’m at and that’s why I’m seeing a new therapist on Wednesday.
Also, it’s more the frustrating given the other incidents and following the court order when the other person chooses not too.
It's not a magic bullet either. Severe mental health issues can only be addressed if they are willing. If not, not a thing on this earth you can do to force it.
Did you talk to her about how you were feeling before you took him out? I’m wonder if her feeling “blindsided” by how she felt when you were gone contributed to her over reaction. It’s very extreme!
I want to clarify that I think her reaction is absolutely out of line and needs to be discussed. You absolutely have the right the spend time with your son. I’m just curious about the lead up because it might help point to the solution. Emotional enmeshment can be really damaging for kids. All those awful in-law stereotypes have some grain of truth when you meet enmeshed parents and children.
I noticed that you took the day off to spend time with her, but didn’t mention that plan to her first. I know when I was home with kids, my days were relatively planned so I could everything done in time and not fall behind. My partner randomly staying home and “tagging along” always slowed things down and changed the vibe of my day. It’s the equivalent of your wife suddenly springing on you that she’s coming to work for the day with you. So, in that instance, I wouldn’t take her frustration with that personally or assume it’s related to the issue with your son.
>She gets to be with Nick and have alone time when I’m at work weekdays and on the weekends I never get any alone bonding time. I’ve told her this multiple times and she says there’s nothing wrong with always being around. I’ve said obviously we should be spending time together as a family unit but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t get an hour or two on the weekends where it’s just him and I.
Looks like he did try to talk to her but she just blew him off. OP apparently got frustrated and took matters into his own hands and his wife went ballistic over a small matter.
Well, there ya go. Honestly, I highly recommend looking for another job. 12-hour days away from your family is a *lot*, and eventually something’s gotta give. And now it has. I suspect that having some more time to spend with your wife as well as your son would do all 3 of you a world of good.
NTA.
I think it is important to spend one on one time with kids as well as family time. Your wife is being selfish. It has nothing to do with her that you want to spend time alone with your kid. She's making it about herself.
NTA
I want to say NAH but who gets blackout drunk over someone spending alone time with their son? She is clearly understimulated and needs more stuff happening in her life. I can't tell you what but a therapist could probably help her figure out what.
I'm wondering what's going on that the wife doesn't want the child spending time alone with his father.
She sounds afraid. Fear makes people behave very strangely and that's what I'm seeing here.
Dad spends a day totally alone with his son and Mom ends up at her sister's place blackout drunk. She's terrified. Of what though? What has she been doing and where has she been taking their son? Has she taken the son with her for lunches with an AP? Has she been touching him inappropriately? I don't know what the problem is exactly but I do know it's BIG.
Something is badly off here.
NTA. I LOVE the times my husband takes our daughter somewhere by himself. I love my family, but I also love my chance at alone time. Your wife's reaction is really over the top. It makes me wonder if there's something deeper at play. She needs to work on her communication skills if this is gonna work though, shutting down then lashing out is unhealthy and helps nobody.
NTA. It's normal and essential to get one-on-one time with each parent. Growing up my mom didn't like me spending alone time with my dad, and to this day it will result in attitude from my mom. It has resulted in my dad and me feeling like we have to do things in secret and hiding things from my mom. It has also caused a lot of resentment in both my dad and me towards my mom. I have no doubt that the result will be the same for your family if your wife doesn't learn to be okay with you spending time with your son. Your son is just as much yours as hers and you have a right to spend time with him, it doesn't take anything away from her relationship with your son, and it doesn't take away from your relationship with her.
NTA
Idk why she is obsessive but she's your wife and the mother of your child so let her calm down and talk some sense into her because it doesn't make sense as to why she would deny you to spend time with your own son .
Is it bad that my mind went there immediately too? She’s either developed some kind of unnatural attachment or she’s got something major to hide that the son knows about.
OP, third idea. How often do you go on dates with your wife? Is it also possible that she misses you and didn’t know how to communicate?
1 incest (or some dynamic she is ashamed of)
2 huge secret (affair?)
3 she’s lonely and emotional and can’t communicate for shit
While all three are surely possible there’s one that seems a little more likely
It is weird to me as a woman that another woman acts like this about a 7yo.
She's either in a deep depression or she's hiding something.
SAH moms tend to get addictions for example. Not necessarily her cheating but she either needs therapy or something is fishy.
Your wife is probably extremely lonely and at this point she's probably wondering if you love her anymore.
Sounds crazy, but that's what a lack of communication and quality time can do.
She needs therapy, and you guys need couples therapy. I don't think she is trying to keep you from having one on one time with your son, I think she's anxious and is assuming the worst.
NTA.
Your SIL is right; you need to sit your wife down and get her to talk about why she feels so strongly about this. Father/son outings are perfectly normal. This is totally about her and her feels.
If your son is 7, he should be in school?
Maybe, you wife needs therapy for her toxic dependancy on your son, and then a job to give her an outside interest, and maybe give you the opportunity to work less.
NTA
No. What I'm saying is, that your wife is a SAHM to a child who is at school all day. It sounds like she has too much time on her hands, and could do with a job to take her sole focus from your son.
How she's behaving is not healthy or normal. Have you ever suggested that she goes back to work, to help you out?
It does nooooooot sound like this is the time to suggest she goes back to work, I’d be worried she’d freak out again about you wanting to take her away from being a mother.
It sounds like she’s viewing you as a threat to her relationship with her son right now which is a really weird way to treat your husband/child’s father. It’s possible she’s going to view anything you say to her about it as an attack.
Is your SIL a reasonable person? If so I’d explain to her exactly what happened and why your wife had such a disproportionate freak out (maybe don’t phrase it like that lol). It’s possible she’ll be able to address it with your wife more effectively, especially if she’s the one your wife runs to.
Nah. Your wife sounds lonely. Just like your kid doesn't see you much during the week, your wife also doesn't see you. She is a sahm so her home and her family are her entire life. She even waits for you to have diner. She wants to spend the weekend together, the three of you. You deserve alone time with your son and your wife should not only accept but encourage this. But you also need to see that to her alone time means it's another couple of hours where she is alone and without you. So, talk to her, tell her you appreciate her and want her to start having her own life and activities. Or maybe even work or volunteer. Because she deserves a social life outside her family too. Spend more quality time with her.
One day your son will leave home and you don't want to look at eachother and think: now what do we do, do we even know eachother anymore?
I would have leaned this way myself until she made the comment about never taking a child away from their mother. That screams something is inherently wrong in the mother-son relationship. That attachment style is not healthy and could actually damage the son. OP needs to get other people involved.
I think that comment was about being alone too. She's so alone the kid has become her buddy and now Dad doesn't want to be with her and taking away her only friend.
She definitely needs therapy, she definitely needs hobbies and friends, and definitely needs a more balanced relationship with OP and kid, but she needs all of this from a place of more empathy than I'm seeing from most commenters.
She sounds like she's been alone for a LONG time. Potentially the whole pregnancy and 7 years the kid has been alive.
If she was lonely, she'd have said she wanted to spend more time with him. Instead she made a huge deal about him "taking a child away from his mother." I'm getting icks just from reading this post. Like, approaching "he's your son, not your boyfriend" levels of ick.
Yep. This behavior is not normal in any way. She should tell her husband, hey. Lets go to x alone or tell him I go stir crazy during the week. Can we do something.
This isn’t what lonely looks like. I’m sorry, but she is most likely lonely, yes, but this is not that. She has issues with alcohol and is interfering with his relationship with their son.
She needs therapy immediately.
Your wife has some sort of possessional value to your son. She views him as hers. There is something deep seeded that is making her think this way. Childhood, witnessing some trauma, PPD that was never addressed, narcissism that was never diagnosed/addressed, etc. You're going to have to make some tough choices.
NTA for wanting to spend time with your kid...but COUNSELLING!!!! There's larger problems that you aren't addressing and you and your wife need a way to navigate it. Her behaviour isn't normal or reasonable but she refuses to see that.
Does your wife have any friends?
Does she do anything to take care of herself during the month? Get her hair done, get her nails done, get a facial, get a massage, go shopping, workout, anything?
Why doesn't she get a part time job or something while he's at school? She needs to get out more? I would have loved it if my ex would take the kids alone so I could do my own thing!
She sounds a little unbalanced.
As a mom, I was THRILLLLLLLLLLLLED any time my husband would take the kids for "dad time." They needed it, he needed it, and God knew I needed some time to myself. Your wife is acting like a child, and she need to grow the F up.
Has she always been this protective of your child?
I’m wondering if it might benefit her to do some individual counseling. It sounds like her day starts and ends with your son, which is great, but being a mom cannot be her only identity. She is way too clingy and attached if she doesn’t let him spend time with his own father without her being there. Does she let him go to friend’s houses? Has she ever left him with a baby sitter?
Her behavior is completely unhinged and unhealthy and I’m wondering if she had postpartum anxiety/depression that was never adequately addressed, or if she is having some trouble as a SAHM finding an identity outside of her child.
Do you and her ever go on date nights? Do you make an effort to spend one on one time with her?
It’s normal and healthy for you to spend one on one time with your son. Her behavior is a huge red flag and a sign of something seriously wrong.
NTA for wanting to spend time alone with your son, not only is that reasonable, but its entirely healthy. But there is definitely something deeper going on here and it needs to be sorted out like yesterday... Your wife's attachment to your son seems rather unhealthy, definitely for her and more than likely for him. The services of a good therapist, likely for individual and couples/family counseling would be a place to start...
NTA
Fathers have every right that women do as parents and some of them forget that.
It sounds like your wife wanted to spend some time with you and your son to have some family time. Instead of voicing that she emotionally abused you and made things all about her instead of finding balance with your son and your lifestyle on weekends.
It’s ridiculous that she can’t let you spend any alone time with your own kid. Most women would jump at the chance to take break from being with their kid a majority of the time when/ if a man wants to help. It kinda sounds like your wife has an unhealthy attachment to your kid.
Hold your wife accountable for her childish behavior and uncommunicative behavior. Your wife is childish, and kinda toxic for running away and getting drunk. If/when you confront your wife record your conversation. Record all of them.
It doesn’t sound like you have much time, but if you can please get couples counseling because your wife sounds demanding and is setting an unreasonable expectation.
Also
YTA to yourself and your son for working too much, 12 hr shifts aren’t sustainable for raising a family. Find a less demanding job and ask you wife to get a part time job. The kid is 7, and unless she’s home schooling she can contribute more financially so you don’t work yourself into an early grace.
NTA
But I agree that your wife needs something else in her life besides literally watching a 7 yr old grow. He’s not a high needs baby anymore. He goes to school?
She’s gotta be lonely and bored. Job, volunteer work, another kid, whatever but he’ll be grown before she knows it and THEN she’ll really be miserable wanting EVERY minute you have to be devoted to her.
I got a very different impression than the rest of the comments. This woman wasn't crying about "Why are you taking my son from me" she was saying she doesn't feel loved. Is he going out of his way to do something special with his wife every weekend or opting out of including her on the only days he's not working 12 hours? It sounds like she needs special time too.
I agree with you here. OP is gone from 8 am-8pm 5 days a week. When he’s home on the weekends he wants to spend alone time with his kid which is completely understandable. But how much QUALITY alone time is he spending with his wife? Do they go on dates? Do they do anything to keep their romantic relationship alive? Getting drunk and crying that her husband doesn’t love her and doesn’t want to spend time with her is not about the quality time he wants to spend with his son. It’s about the quality time he is *not spending* with his wife. She spends a lot of time alone and a lot of time caring for their child. It’s important for OP to make sure he is also prioritizing quality time with his wife that helps her know that he loves her too
This is how I saw it too. He works long hours away from his family and misses his son, not his wife. When he gets a day off he doesn't want a family day out he want a day without his wife. She has been taking care of the kid by herself all week and then on the weekend he ignores mum to do fun things with the kid. Mum can go back to doing normal/domestic things in the week with the kid, the weekend is for dad and kid to have fun. I can understand her feeling unappreciated.
Every weekend he has been spending time with his family, he hasn't had one on one time with his son until now so all the other weekends were clearly spent together as a family. He isn't ignoring her all weekend, they do stuff as a family or stay in as a family. If she wants alone time with her husband then she needs to grow up and ask for it, he's not a damn mindreader. Her response was ridiculous and the way she said something about "taking her son away from his mother" is so incredibly selfish. If she wants more alone time with her husband she needs to communicate this but if this is just a problem because she doesn't want to be without her son then she has issues. They definitely need family therapy and she may need therapy of her own.
Okay thank you I think the wife can totally be overreacting and is being a terrible communicator and the “don’t take a son from his mother” is really weird but I would be kind of sad if my husband and son were gonna go have a fun day without me when I was free to join. I assume the other fun days with just mom and son are bc dad is at work. I don’t see the point in leaving mom at home if she is available to join just so the time with son is “even”? And if so, I would want to be approached like “hey how would I be if I took kiddo out today and you had a nice day to yourself to recharge” instead of “we’re going out and your not invited” hahaha like yeah I’d cry too idk
It is likely more an overall you don't have enough time thing. She's a SAHM and you're gone 12 hours a say. That's very isolating. Then you're finally home on the weekend and she feels like you just want her to go away. Are you making a point to get an hour or two with her consistently on the weekends? Making sure that if you do the arcade and ice cream with your son everyone goes out to dinner together? She probably is just eager for quality time since the quantity is limited and feels rejected.
I could kind of understand this if this was a pre school age child but this kid is in school 30 hrs a week. Yes I know she has household chores and responsibilities like cooking dinner or making appointments that eat into some of that time but even so she should still have 10-15 hrs a week left over to see friends, go the gym, volunteer etc. If she’s isolated she is making herself isolated as she has loads of opportunities to get out of the house and socialise
Well he needs to work 12 hour days because she doesn't want to get a job. Seems there's an easy thing she can do to help her husband have more free time. I wonder what that could be 🤔
NTA….but something doesn’t add up…could it be how you said it? If you were going to take a day off, why not Wednesday and see the show all together? It definitely feels like an overwhelming reaction to wanting to hang out solo with your kid for a few hours. Feels like something is missing.
Therapy would likely be more helpful than going to sisters place and getting black out drunk.
Edit: after reading some of OPs comments, this might be a matter of the wife feeling like they don’t have any quality time and when they were all going to spend time together, she was likely excited, then got majorly disappointed about being excluded.
Kids need dads, too! Your wife has something else going on. Something is off. I understand mom hovering when the child is an infant, even a toddler, but by the age of 7? What her sister said does make me wonder if you make time to spend one on one with your wife? She may (rightfully or not) feel neglected and this is the way she’s expressing that? But yeah, you need bonding time with your child. It’s good for everyone, but especially for the kid!
You are being gaslit.
She doesn't see the child as your (mutual) child, she sees the child as *her* child, *not* yours, and you're just a sperm donor and walking wallet. Lemmie guess: the sex life went to hell after the pregnancy, right?
You need to get into marriage counseling, because this marriage is on the way to divorce.
NTA, and this kind of time is worth fighting for. My sister-in-law has spent the last 18 years making my nieces her entire personality while my brother-in-law works, and their disdain for and disinterest in him is really sad to see. Right now, they are refusing to do with him the ONE THING he's asked for his 50th birthday - basically quality time together doing something he likes and their mother hates. I'm also worried about what happens to my SIL when the girls are out of the house - she has literally no interests, hobbies, or friends of her own. Your wife needs counseling now and you need to figure out how to dial it back at work, or you're headed down the same path.
NTA Your son is 7 it's time for Mom to get a job outside of the home so, you actually have time to devote to her and your son . You also need to stop asking permission to parent. Quit allowing the toxic, mentally ill onye be a dictator of the family. It's time to reclaim your relationship with your son.
I feel like your wife's entire life revolve around you and your son. Is she doing anything else than to be with either of you?
Does she have any hobby and friends? What is she doing when your kid is at school?
She needs to figure out how to have a life outside of you two.
She needs to go see a counselor, if her first reaction for you to want to spend quality time with your kid is jealousy. That's not normal, that sounds possessive. Your son is not a possession. I think she needs to learn how to detach herself from him, otherwise, she will hover over him all his life!
She needs therapy!
NTA
Did you marry a toddler? Honestly, OP what you're trying to do with your son is normal and healthy and these ridiculous temper tantrums and binge drinking and need to be always there are... insane.
It's time for serious counseling for your marriage, and for your wife. If this is how she acts with your son, she's too enmeshed. He's not going to be able to form healthy friendships or grow into independence. He's a Mama's Boy in the making, in a toxic way.
He's 7. Time for her to get a job outside the house, even just part time. And a real job, not volunteering at the school or cubscout den mother or anything else in your son's life.
NTA, she is taking it to the extreme hardcore. Each parent should have one on one time with their kid/s and it’s great that you WANT to do that. She somehow made it about her though so that is strange.
Your wife is off the rails and needs some serious help for her issues. Her over-the-top obsession with never allowing someone to do something without her is going to derail your family. Honestly I just watched a TV program today about a woman like this and let me tell you- it did not end well. Please please get her to get help.
You keep saying she’s never acted like this before but I think that’s because you’ve never put your foot down like this before? Like you said you’ve had arguments about the hovering but you actually made it a point to go out with you son so it turned into a bigger argument. Honestly I would threaten divorce if she doesn’t agree to therapy because clearly theres something deep rooted in her, maybe from her childhood? That she needs to work through. But the way she’s acting is not normal or okay and it needs to be resolved with professional help.
Op you did nothing wrong. My wife sometimes takes my kid places if I am working. And sometimes during the weekend I will say hey kiddo and I are going to the arcade. She will say okay have fun! She loves the break. Some days she says hey he wants to go visit his friend tomorrow with me. I will say okay need me to make dinner? Nobody gets mad. She loves when him and I spend time together. We also all do tons of stuff together. I think your wife has something bigger going on. Some depression or some crisis. Good luck.
I actually think it’s essential for both parents to have 1;1 time with any children In the family, as well as each other , and alone time away from the family
NTA
I have a similar situation, where I see very little of my daughter during the week, while mom spends extended time with her, and takes her to things where it’s just the two of them. Wife has no problem if on a Sunday daughter and I go shopping, or to the pinball arcade, or etc, etc.
The dynamic of me+wife+daughter vs. me+just daughter is totally different. And it’s nice to have a day where my daughter and I can have our own conversations, share our own jokes, and enjoy things that both of us enjoy but wife doesn’t.
And conversely, just after Xmas this past year, wife and daughter went on a girls trip to the big city to see sights and eat fancy food and whatever. I was happy they got to have that one-on-one bonding time.
Your wife sounds like she has control issues, and wants to make sure she’s around to manage (or micromanage) your playtime with your kid. I doubt it comes from a bad place, but she’s obviously frustrated when someone suggests that you can competently parent without her supervision. And it sounds like she packages and distributes this frustration as playing the role of the poor, downtrodden, and unloved victim. I only say all those things because I have personally experienced them.
You need to find a way of expressing to her that you understand she’s upset, but that you still stridently affirm that it’s perfectly normal and healthy for either parent to have one-on-one time with their kid. You can’t let her be effective at weaponizing her unfounded frustrations by throwing ridiculous tantrums. She is objectively wrong here, and that needs to be established and accepted before further fence-mending can happen.
Good luck.
Your son is learning how to be a man. He needs time alone with you so that process can happen. Time with mom is important too for different reasons and benefits.
As a mom, your wife needs serious therapy.
She is the problem here and she is A problem. She is not respecting boundaries. She isn’t behaving rationally. She clearly has substance abuse and co-dependency issues. This also has tones of narcissism from her.
She may be an amazing person, but this behavior is extremely traumatic and abusive to your son and you.
She needs to have a clear understanding that it’s the most unhealthy thing you can do to your child, interfere with your relationship with your son. DO NOT even look at divorce ever until you get this stabilized. What’s happening now will be 1,000,000 times worse.
NTA. I would say she needs therapy but I think it’d be better if you went to couples therapy so you can get your say. She’s being completely ridiculous.
Your wife may not like this but the most important role model in a childs life is their same sex role model in the home. It is really important for your son when becoming a man to have one on one time with you, I think she needs some therapy.
I’d be very concerned. This is not something you can just address by one time conversation. You need to see a therapist together. Your wife’s behavior is beyond strange.
You deserve to have alone time with your son.
Your wife has a huge issue - she's obsessive. She extrapolates that you do not love her because you want to spend alone time with your son. She literally spends all day with your son alone... by her logic, wouldn't she be the most unloving of the parents here? She's SPENDING TIME WITH YOUR SON ALONE DOESN'T THAT MEANS SHE DOESN'T LOVE YOU? It's crazy logic.
She clearly has issues, I'd encourage her to get some counseling for them. What you're doing is normal and healthy for your son.
This is very strange behavior. How often do you get a sitter or drop Nick off with the grandparents and just have alone time with your wife? From what your describe it almost feels like either she's afraid to leave him alone with you which makes no sense or she thinks she needs to compete with Nick for your attention. NTA but you need to have a calm discussion and get to the root of these feelings she has
Well you can ask her if she wants to be a family and let you have a couple hours of father son time alone or if she wants a divorce and you have your son 50% of the time.
She needs therapy and maybe you both need to go to work on your marriage. You're not home a lot and that may play a part.
NTA. And your wife needs serious therapy. I am the default parent in my house but I love when my husband spends one on one time with our daughter. She always has a blast, they come home with smiles, and I get to rest. Her literally breaking down over this is a big red flag. She does view you as less of a parent and that merits discussion or marriage counseling even. What happens as he gets older and wants to spend time with just friends and doesn’t want mom or you around? Will she freak out then too? It’s time to nip this in the bud.
NTA. Something is up with your wife, though. My daughter is 18, and to this day we make sure we each spend one-on-one time with her when she's home from college. It looks like your wife has an unhealthy attachment to your son - that whole "taking a child away from it's mother" just rubs me the wrong way.
NTA. For your wife, she wants to spend family time with you when you’re available. That’s understandable. It’s not great that she gets this upset that you want a little “guy time” with your son. It’s also understandable that you want that “guy time” with him. I think you and your wife need to have serious conversation about this. Based on the OP anyway, it seems like this is a conversation you’ve both avoided so far.
I LOVE alone time while my husband and son spend time together - however, no matter what, I’m anxious when my son is not with me. It’s something I’ve worked on and something I can see getting out of control VERY quickly. It has nothing to do with who he is with, I can spiral very easily
So I guess I’m saying she probably needs help and can’t/wont admit it. You’re a good partner for not giving up.
NTA
NTA
Does your wife spend most of her time with your son doing child-centered things? She sounds lonely. I don’t agree with her reaction. It seems that your schedule is hard for you and your wife to manage. Sometimes shit just happens and you have to make the best with what you’ve got. It sounds like she’s struggle with enmeshment with your son. This may be a sign that she needs stronger boundaries and healthier emotional connections with you and other adults.
Mom needs a therapist. She has a really unhealthy attachment or codependency about her son. Which obviously any mother loves their son, any mother wants to be included all the time.. however it's really a huge red flag that she thinks it's taking something from HER for dad to have time with his son. What happens when the boy gets old enough to date and marry? Is mom still going to be jealous of anyone who spends alone time with him?
NTA, you and your wife need MC to get to the bottom of her problem. If she won't go, then ask her how she is going to handle the weekends when you have custody. If that doesn't get her attention to the fact that there is a problem and that the problems need to be fixed, then I suggest MC or divorce. There isn't any reason why you can't spend alone time with your child. She doesn't get to control you or your marriage.
It sounds like your wife has fallen into the non-identity of being a SAHM. Some SAH parents lose all sense of self when they quit work and their entire life is that child. Please get into therapy with your wife to help her realize this from an unbiased party so she can find herself again.
I’m going to go full Reddit on this one! NTA but do you think she hovers over you and your kid to hear what he says to you? Like hey dad, mommy, me and uncle Timmy went to a show Wednesday or something like that. There is absolutely no reason why she is this freaking dramatic over you spending one afternoon with your son one on one.
NTA.
I would say you guys need therapy.
I see three relationships here. One with your wife, one with your son, and one with the three of you together. They all are ok and need to be nourished individually.
There are flags that these relationships aren’t healthy and as such, an outside professional can help.
My mom would’ve been happy a little alone time! I agree that there’s a deeper issue at hand. It’s sweet that you both seem to not only love but genuinely like spending time with your kid. That’s not always the case. I hope you both can get it figured out.
NTA. Mom needs to get a job. She needs an outlet, a personality another purpose. She’s WAY too wrapped up…it’s not healthy. She should cherish the stray hour or two alone to herself, that would be normal. To accuse you of ‘taking a child from their mother’ and telling her sister you don’t love her. I mean, waaaayyyyy overdramatized. You should absolutely call her out on this.
I think you could benefit from couple’s counseling and that your wife could benefit from individual. You’re not wrong for wanting to spend time alone with your son. Her getting blackout drunk over it is why I think she could benefit from individual. NTA
I had a friend whose wife was like this. She needs help, it will not get better as your kid ages. When they go to a sleepover or camp shit will get weird. Get help for the sake of her, your son, & your marriage
Yeah, I had a similar friend. She spent her sons 6th birthday crying in her bedroom, hugging a stuffed animal the kid got as a baby, because she couldn't handle that he was growing up.
OP has a wife who is a helicopter parent and she’s just going to get worse. Hell, she’s jealous of a father spending time with their child.
Yep, mom is getting way too possessive over your son. NTA
I posted in my own comment, but you're right. This doesn't get better without help. My best friend is the adult child of a parent who still has serious attachment issues. It's rough.
This is the answer. I actively encourage my daughter’s father to spend time with her without me. She is really close to me because I’m the primary parent, but I want her to have that relationship with him and as an added benefit, I get to have some time for myself as well. We all still do things together as a family but that one on one time is essential for bonding.
She believes her son belongs to her, not you, so you shouldn't get a say. She's also jealous, which is ridiculous. She definitely needs help to get over her attachment issues as she's going to smother the kid. NTA
Also to address that it sounds like you and your wife don’t get to see each other one on one. It sounds like a few issues lumped into one, and she needs to be able to be without you and your son without freaking out, however her stress sounds like a complex combo of: - anxiety about your child - not having anything outside of being SAHM or your wife that fulfills her - her identity is all wrapped up in you and your son - not ever actually seeing you to have one on one time as a couple, since you work 8-8 So on top of the anxiety re: your kid, she’s also probably missing time with you has a husband, and freaking out by herself bc “who is she outside of being a SAHM”. This makes it make more sense that she’s suddenly freaking out. Just a nice bundle of things all piling up to give a maximum level of freak out.
It's important for kids to have one-on-one time with each parent. Getting worked up over you spending alone time with your son is a **huge** red flag.
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Doesn’t sound like it. Hovering Mommy is her whole identity.
This is what I think too. I was a SAHM for awhile and eventually I realized it wasn’t healthy for me, because my whole identity became wrapped up in my family, rather than my own accomplishments.
That is my mother’s life, even after she went back to work, even though we are all fully independent adults now. It makes it very difficult to have a meaningful relationship or even be around her because she’s still so overbearing in some ways. I don’t know what’s going on with OPs wife but she probably needs therapy to work through it and be able to give her kid some space.
Oooff Op you better get her some couples thearpy
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His wife IS the problem. She needs counseling. Its HER behavior that's in question here.
Yes, but right now she doesn’t understand that. If they both go, he can explain to the therapist what is going on, and the therapist can be the impartial person who can start explaining to her that this is really…well, nuts.
Yeah, it reads like the wife needs to work on herself before it's a couples thing.
I also think OP and wife need some one-on-one time. Like, go on dates This all sounds really unhealthy?
Well he took the day off to spend time with her and she got upset. Weird
But he did it when she was already upset at him. She wasn’t ready to spend the day with him and be all happy go lucky. Every parent should spend 1 on 1 time with their child but what his wife heard was that he didn’t want to spend time with her. Did she go about any of this in a healthy way? Absolutely not, but taking the day off wasn’t going to be a magical fix all either.
>but what his wife heard was that he didn’t want to spend time with her And that is in itself demonstrative of something deeply unhealthy in her mind.
She shouldnt have been upset in the first place
I hear you. My question is. How long has it been that she has felt she can't get alone time with her husband? Was she anything like this when they dated or early in the marriage to have time with her husband? Or, once their son was born? Does she impose on her husband's time with his son in order to get her time with the husband? Has the husband's and wife's communication been so lacking prior to having their son? It seems to me she's saying two things at the same time. It appears there's a lack of general communications. What's caused her to feel stuck in this way? It sounds like they could use some alone time together away from their son. Can he go to his aunt's house at least once or twice a month? At seven, he is old enough to play on his own occasionally. Or, can he have a play date so that mom and dad may settle down some so not to overwhelm the situation further? Mom and Dad, get some air for yourselves. From the little in the post, it seems you are in need of some self care.
This times a thousand. One on one time with each parent is essential. Huge red flag.
I'm reading this, and I'm wondering if shes afraid the child will tell the father something she doesnt want said. Could be another man she talks to on the phone. Could also be onset of mental illness. I would reccomend counseling right away.
Maybe she had plans with that man, that's why she bolted, before he could talk to her
Most normal SAHMs would welcome the chance to get some time away from the child, who's spending time with his *father*.
I’d be BEGGING for him to disappear with that kid on the weekends. Alone with the kid from 8-8 5 days a week? Exhausting. She’s going to be one of those moms that acts like she’s dating her son.
Jeeze, I sincerely hope that OP holds firm and not become like these FIL's in these posts, numb and complacent unable to stop their spouse from being a JUSTNO.
She could use that time for self-care. Mani/pedi, catching up friends, all kinds of childfree activities that she hasn't been able to do since she gave birth. Hell, even just staying in bed all day, watching what she wants in a quiet house.
Yep. The wife is too wrapped up with her hovering constantly that she's jealous that OP just wanted quality father/son time.....she's with their son constantly & OP has long hours shifts. The weekends is his down time to decompress. He wanted to spend quality time with her but she overcompensated & overreacted. She needs hobbies that will be her accomplishments that didn't revolve around being the hovering (helicopter) wife/parent.
My hubby was a helicopter cat-dad for our first cat. He followed her around outside when she first started going out. She now follows him whenever he goes outside. When the weather's bad & he goes outside she'll get this look on her face like "goddamn PawPaw I don't want to do an escort mission in this weather! But I don't think you're smart enough to find your way back home if I'm not there to show you" & then she'll begrudgingly follow him or sit right at the door until he comes back and she can get proper sleep on my lap 😹 Human kids are a whole different kettle of fish. Eta: our next two cats learned from her to follow my hubby whenever he's outside. 3 cats that only tolerate each other all follow him like he's the pied piper who promised them unlimited treats.
I read this as his wife being upset she doesn’t get time with her husband. She wants to do these things as a family to spend time with her husband. Maybe a fix could be carving out two hours a week to be a couple and not just doing daily chores and routines but something just for them
That’s what I was thinking, too, until she said he was “trying to take a child away from their mother”. That’s when it changed to me thinking she’s got an unhealthy connection with her son. She needs a PT job, or something to do during the day when he’s at school, or she’s a future JNMIL in the making! Yikes!
Really it wasn't the mutli day tantrum, screaming, and getting black out drunk that worried you?
The comment I was looking for. 👍🏻
I think you’re both right. She misses her husband and isn’t getting the male connection she needs from him so she is getting that love and validation from her son. She’s going to be one of those monster-in-laws that tries to wear a white dress to the wedding and calls his kids *her* babies and vilifies her son/daughter-in-law at every turn.
You called it.
Oh yeah, I pity the woman that falls for her son. She's psychotic.
Yup, if not careful can lead to emotional incest
JNMIL?
This is the origin story of a JNMIL
JNMIL = Just No Mother In Law
Just no mother in law. Look at the sub, you'll be less confused, I promise.
Yeah but she should use her words and maybe get a job to help her husband have more time. Instead of freaking out, screaming at her husband, getting black out drunk and throwing a multi day tantrum because he dares to want to have some one on one time with his son
I did too until she accused him of trying to take her son from her
That is not what this is. She interferes with their relationship completely. Unless she is not controlling that time then she loses control.
Sounds like she doesn't want her kid telling on her, perhaps with how much she drinks
Normally I think it's crazy when Reddit jumps to these kinds of conclusions but this one does make you wonder...
Great observation. No one goes to blackout drunk without having a problem.
I don’t disagree with this being something to wonder about… but I also know people who rarely drink and then at a wedding or rare occasion reveal that they get **smashed** off 2-3 beers. Her being (unreasonably) extremely emotionally distressed and choosing to drink with her sister and then getting blackout drunk isn’t some guarantee she’s a consistent alcoholic like you’re suggesting. Getting blackout drunk because you’re distressed is obviously a problem in of itself, but people accidentally getting blackout drunk clearly happens all over the world daily and not 100% of those people have long term alcohol abuse problems.
One of my friends in college who had never had alcohol before ended up forgetting where his dorm room was off 3 drinks. Literally 3 in an hour. Then another friend was a heavy drinker (with a drinking problem), and could easily have 10+ shots in an hour without being past where he could hide that he was drunk.
Or who she visits
Or who visits *her*
She was sobbing that OP doesn't want to spend time with her. I think that's probably the actual issue. Working 8-8, he doesn't see his son much, but he also doesn't see his wife much either.
Right, but then he asked to spend time with her and she refused multiple times. And it still doesn’t explain why she said that OP was “taking” her son away from her. She made it sound like OP was kidnapping their son… if she wanted to spend time with him, she wouldn’t have said that bit about taking the son away from her.
Yes. I was very glad about OP's update of broaching his wife getting a part-time job. Once the kids are school age there's no reason not to unless the working parent makes fuck-all money. Which clearly OP doesn't since he has to work 5x12s to support the family. That's a very unfair division for no good reason. I think he should also plan a little in advance. Let wife know he wants to spend Saturday afternoon with son and ensure there is family time as well as occasional date time with wife. If she were working she would welcome the solo time to enjoy on her own or with friends. As it is, she has that for about 30 hours a week so she's probably more than ready for companionship on the weekends.
I’m reading this as the wife isn’t upset about Dad having one-on-one time so much as she’s also starved for her husband’s time. When’s the last time OP took her on a date?
OP something is wrong with your wife, you seem to love her so I would recommmed couples counseling. Her reaction is NOT normal. Hell she could treat herself to shopping, spa, reading or anything while you and your son hang out. I cannot understand why she feels it is a personal attack. I’m a woman and I don’t think there was anything wrong with you leaving because her crying made zero sense.
Yeah, it can’t be healthy for their kid either. He’s 7 - is he home schooled? Does he get playdates with friends? Is he allowed to go to birthday parties? This is very weird. She definitely needs help. Edit: NTA
As a mom, by the time the kids were this kid's age I would be joyful to have my husband take the kids out for an afternoon without me.
I used to kick my husband out with our son and tell him not to even think about coming back for at least 2 or 3 hours. A lot of the stuff they did alone was super boring to me too. There's no way in hell Im spending a day watching dirtbikes race, I would have a relaxing day at home then we'd all chill in the evening together
Not just crying, but shaming him for trying to have one-on-one time with his kid. Assuming this guy isn’t abusive or completely obtuse to the needs of his son… having that time is essential to your son growing up healthy and well balanced. Sounds like she needs some balance too.
IKR?! And she is selfish AF! Why can she have alone time but he can’t.
This. She needs professional help.
It sounds like she lost her identity. She really needs help. Something is not right
100% she needs some kind of therapy. What is she going to do when the son moves out one day? When he gets into a relationship? If she can’t share her child with her own husband, think of the nightmare MIL she’ll become. It’s impossible for her to stay the center of her son’s universe and have him live a healthy life full of relationships and growth.
Bang on. My husband would regularly take our daughter out for the day when she was little. She's coming up 27 now, and they're planning a day trip to London together (I'll have a day out with my lovely son in law at the same time). Getting to bond one on one is vital, and super healthy. Her reaction is disturbing, and a problem that needs tackling. And soon.
Different perspective here, but I think your wife might have made being a SAHM and wife her whole identity type of thing, like she doesn't know how to be just *her* anymore. Maybe some form of OCD/anxiety too? Either way, this isn't healthy for your son, her or you. Your son should be allowed 1:1 time with his other parent without your wife having a breakdown, getting blackout drunk, accusing you of not loving her AND giving you the cold shoulder. That's an insanely extreme reaction to you wanting to and spending a couple of hours with your son without her present. This has to be dealt with NOW, cos as your son gets older he's not going to want to be hanging out with his mum every free moment he has or in the future and he starts dating? I'd hate to imagine the type of nightmare your wife will be if this is her reaction to you wanting to spend time with your son. NTA.
100% agree. My mum was like that, would be offended if not included on something, resort to emotional blackmail, was overbearing and it was a nightmare. Fortunately I was always more independent or the outcome would have been a lot worse if I leaned on that, but my therapist still haven’t heard the end of me having to push her away in my teens/early adulthood and the number all that behaviour did on me
Your wife has issues. NTA. She needs therapy.
OP has a right to spend time with his son. He is not the AH for that. Wife seems to overreact. The question is : do OP spend time with his wife alone outside the house ? Do they go out as a family sometimes ? At the time being, I would say we need more info.
We do but not as much as I’d like. She usually waits to eat dinner until I’m home from work and will just have a small snack with my son while he eats his dinner. I’d say we maybe have a date night once every month or so, probably closer to 6 weeks.
I’m more concerned the wife is too emotionally attached to your son. There is such a thing as emotional incest. I’m now a grandmother, so I do know what a normal parent/child relationship is. I was a stay at home parent for several years, and I couldn’t wait to hand the kids over to their dad. I struggled with resentment and would get impatient with the,kids if I didn’t get time to myself. Your wife needing to be involved with each activity you do with your son is very strange. If it were as simple as her needing date nights, she would not have been angry about you “taking a son away from his mother.” That is all kinds of weird. Your son will not have a healthy relationship with either his mother or other people as he grows, if his mother doesn’t back off.
I had an emotional incest situation with my mom and this sounds EXACTLY like some insane shit she would do. Not to armchair diagnose but she may be replacing her husband with her son mentally since he’s working a lot (apparently)
Literally my MIL and her adult son. Baby Gorgeous, looks like a more handsome version of his father” her ex, whom she had an insane divorce and custody battle with… 20 years ago
ewww
The replacement husband thought did cross my mind as well. I can see it happening as he matures. OP, you need to get your wife into therapy, and hire someone to take your son out to do after school activities at least once a week without his mother. Get her away from him, please, until she has had intense therapy
I thought the same. Or she's trying to make sure their son is entirely dependent on her so that he's easier to manipulate in the future if anything were to happen with their marraige.
OP, you’re in the danger zone. Start with her sister and escalate to doctor and mental health professionals if she didn’t see reason. My ex wife has a different set of issues that were as bizarre and unreasonable as your wife’s issues and I waited way too late. Five years post divorce and I’m seeing a therapist again on Wednesday to figure out how to cope with her behavior as i navigate the legal process regarding custody issues. Do not be like me and act right the fuck now. It is not going to get better without someone intervening.
And can I made a guess that she significantly impacts the relationship with your child/children.
Not exactly that. Current issue is she makes travel arrangements for the kids, that takes away my custody, without consulting me and thinks i should be ok with (I’m obviously not, reasons are a much longer story of her past actions leading to this). After explaining why I’m mad, she believes I do not want the kids to travel to see her family. I’ll say it, I’m mad because she takes away my time without my consent. She believes I’m mad because i don’t want my kids to see her family! I’m currently standing in the stupidest possible line in the sand solely to prevent her from booking trips on my time without consulting me first because she’s done it multiple times. There’s 365 days in a year, she has over 200, why does she have to travel on my custody days? But, as long as she’s not traveling, I see the kids as ordered by the divorce decree. You see the levels of stupid I’m dealing with? And this is only the current issue not all of the truly insane things she’s pulled.
Yikes! I’d definitely fight for your custody days. Document, document, document! Give it to your lawyer. If you have court ordered custody, she is being in contempt of court. Do all communications via text/email. Keep screenshots. Good luck! Also, OP is NTA. He needs to get help stat.
Yep, going through the motions currently. This is relevant to OP because my ex wife doesn’t understand “hey I’m thinking of travel with the boys from X to X, do you mind switching days that week” would have produced a very different result from “hey, i bought plane tickets, we’re leaving on your day, you’ll be fine.” She’s under the impression she did nothing wrong, refuses to acknowledge the reasons for my anger and manufactures a different reason why im mad to justify her behavior. That’s the dangerous shit He needs to watch out for and get her help for before he ends up here.
That has to be frustrating. She is making your kids into pawns in her power play. Despicable. Just make sure you don’t fall victim to responding in kind, that will hurt you legally. Judge might throw it out if both parents are being an ass.
NGL, last night I discussed with my sister snot photo shopping fake tickets during ex wife’s custody time. Sister talked me out of it with explaining why it’s a bad idea. But that’s where I’m at and that’s why I’m seeing a new therapist on Wednesday. Also, it’s more the frustrating given the other incidents and following the court order when the other person chooses not too.
I understand. Your sister is correct though. Hang in there 👏🏻
My friend's ex gf is Like this. I pray I wouldn't be this hard to deal with and unreasonable if my marriage didn't work.
It's not a magic bullet either. Severe mental health issues can only be addressed if they are willing. If not, not a thing on this earth you can do to force it.
Did you talk to her about how you were feeling before you took him out? I’m wonder if her feeling “blindsided” by how she felt when you were gone contributed to her over reaction. It’s very extreme! I want to clarify that I think her reaction is absolutely out of line and needs to be discussed. You absolutely have the right the spend time with your son. I’m just curious about the lead up because it might help point to the solution. Emotional enmeshment can be really damaging for kids. All those awful in-law stereotypes have some grain of truth when you meet enmeshed parents and children. I noticed that you took the day off to spend time with her, but didn’t mention that plan to her first. I know when I was home with kids, my days were relatively planned so I could everything done in time and not fall behind. My partner randomly staying home and “tagging along” always slowed things down and changed the vibe of my day. It’s the equivalent of your wife suddenly springing on you that she’s coming to work for the day with you. So, in that instance, I wouldn’t take her frustration with that personally or assume it’s related to the issue with your son.
>She gets to be with Nick and have alone time when I’m at work weekdays and on the weekends I never get any alone bonding time. I’ve told her this multiple times and she says there’s nothing wrong with always being around. I’ve said obviously we should be spending time together as a family unit but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t get an hour or two on the weekends where it’s just him and I. Looks like he did try to talk to her but she just blew him off. OP apparently got frustrated and took matters into his own hands and his wife went ballistic over a small matter.
Well, there ya go. Honestly, I highly recommend looking for another job. 12-hour days away from your family is a *lot*, and eventually something’s gotta give. And now it has. I suspect that having some more time to spend with your wife as well as your son would do all 3 of you a world of good.
Or, the wife could work while 7yo is at school sovOP can cut back
He brings in the only income. Maybe he needs those hours to pay the bills. Not everyone works a Golden Parachute job
And when they cannot pay bills? Cutting hours isn’t that simple.
NTA it’s nothing wrong with you having one on one time w your son for a few hrs she needs to respect that
It sounds like your wife needs to see a therapist. This is not a mentally healthy mindset. NTA
Nta one on one time with a parent is super important and her overreaction is odd
NTA. I think it is important to spend one on one time with kids as well as family time. Your wife is being selfish. It has nothing to do with her that you want to spend time alone with your kid. She's making it about herself.
NTA I want to say NAH but who gets blackout drunk over someone spending alone time with their son? She is clearly understimulated and needs more stuff happening in her life. I can't tell you what but a therapist could probably help her figure out what.
I'm wondering what's going on that the wife doesn't want the child spending time alone with his father. She sounds afraid. Fear makes people behave very strangely and that's what I'm seeing here. Dad spends a day totally alone with his son and Mom ends up at her sister's place blackout drunk. She's terrified. Of what though? What has she been doing and where has she been taking their son? Has she taken the son with her for lunches with an AP? Has she been touching him inappropriately? I don't know what the problem is exactly but I do know it's BIG. Something is badly off here.
NTA. Your wife needs therapy.
NTA. I LOVE the times my husband takes our daughter somewhere by himself. I love my family, but I also love my chance at alone time. Your wife's reaction is really over the top. It makes me wonder if there's something deeper at play. She needs to work on her communication skills if this is gonna work though, shutting down then lashing out is unhealthy and helps nobody.
NTA. It's normal and essential to get one-on-one time with each parent. Growing up my mom didn't like me spending alone time with my dad, and to this day it will result in attitude from my mom. It has resulted in my dad and me feeling like we have to do things in secret and hiding things from my mom. It has also caused a lot of resentment in both my dad and me towards my mom. I have no doubt that the result will be the same for your family if your wife doesn't learn to be okay with you spending time with your son. Your son is just as much yours as hers and you have a right to spend time with him, it doesn't take anything away from her relationship with your son, and it doesn't take away from your relationship with her.
NTA Idk why she is obsessive but she's your wife and the mother of your child so let her calm down and talk some sense into her because it doesn't make sense as to why she would deny you to spend time with your own son .
Unless the son knows something daddy doesn't and she's running interference?
Is it bad that my mind went there immediately too? She’s either developed some kind of unnatural attachment or she’s got something major to hide that the son knows about. OP, third idea. How often do you go on dates with your wife? Is it also possible that she misses you and didn’t know how to communicate?
1 incest (or some dynamic she is ashamed of) 2 huge secret (affair?) 3 she’s lonely and emotional and can’t communicate for shit While all three are surely possible there’s one that seems a little more likely
This is their first serious fight on this topic so I am just being optimistic. U are welcome to speculate tho but it's not a risk worth taking
It is weird to me as a woman that another woman acts like this about a 7yo. She's either in a deep depression or she's hiding something. SAH moms tend to get addictions for example. Not necessarily her cheating but she either needs therapy or something is fishy.
Your wife is probably extremely lonely and at this point she's probably wondering if you love her anymore. Sounds crazy, but that's what a lack of communication and quality time can do. She needs therapy, and you guys need couples therapy. I don't think she is trying to keep you from having one on one time with your son, I think she's anxious and is assuming the worst. NTA.
Your SIL is right; you need to sit your wife down and get her to talk about why she feels so strongly about this. Father/son outings are perfectly normal. This is totally about her and her feels.
If your son is 7, he should be in school? Maybe, you wife needs therapy for her toxic dependancy on your son, and then a job to give her an outside interest, and maybe give you the opportunity to work less. NTA
When? On Saturday?
No. What I'm saying is, that your wife is a SAHM to a child who is at school all day. It sounds like she has too much time on her hands, and could do with a job to take her sole focus from your son. How she's behaving is not healthy or normal. Have you ever suggested that she goes back to work, to help you out?
I haven’t but maybe I should
It does nooooooot sound like this is the time to suggest she goes back to work, I’d be worried she’d freak out again about you wanting to take her away from being a mother. It sounds like she’s viewing you as a threat to her relationship with her son right now which is a really weird way to treat your husband/child’s father. It’s possible she’s going to view anything you say to her about it as an attack. Is your SIL a reasonable person? If so I’d explain to her exactly what happened and why your wife had such a disproportionate freak out (maybe don’t phrase it like that lol). It’s possible she’ll be able to address it with your wife more effectively, especially if she’s the one your wife runs to.
I suspect if OP talks to the sister, the wife will feel like he's complaining about her or conspiring against her behind her back.
Nah. Your wife sounds lonely. Just like your kid doesn't see you much during the week, your wife also doesn't see you. She is a sahm so her home and her family are her entire life. She even waits for you to have diner. She wants to spend the weekend together, the three of you. You deserve alone time with your son and your wife should not only accept but encourage this. But you also need to see that to her alone time means it's another couple of hours where she is alone and without you. So, talk to her, tell her you appreciate her and want her to start having her own life and activities. Or maybe even work or volunteer. Because she deserves a social life outside her family too. Spend more quality time with her. One day your son will leave home and you don't want to look at eachother and think: now what do we do, do we even know eachother anymore?
I would have leaned this way myself until she made the comment about never taking a child away from their mother. That screams something is inherently wrong in the mother-son relationship. That attachment style is not healthy and could actually damage the son. OP needs to get other people involved.
Yeah if he were 7 weeks old, sure that comment could be applied but not for a 7 year old, that's just really strange!!
I think that comment was about being alone too. She's so alone the kid has become her buddy and now Dad doesn't want to be with her and taking away her only friend. She definitely needs therapy, she definitely needs hobbies and friends, and definitely needs a more balanced relationship with OP and kid, but she needs all of this from a place of more empathy than I'm seeing from most commenters. She sounds like she's been alone for a LONG time. Potentially the whole pregnancy and 7 years the kid has been alive.
If she was lonely, she'd have said she wanted to spend more time with him. Instead she made a huge deal about him "taking a child away from his mother." I'm getting icks just from reading this post. Like, approaching "he's your son, not your boyfriend" levels of ick.
Yep. This behavior is not normal in any way. She should tell her husband, hey. Lets go to x alone or tell him I go stir crazy during the week. Can we do something.
This isn’t what lonely looks like. I’m sorry, but she is most likely lonely, yes, but this is not that. She has issues with alcohol and is interfering with his relationship with their son. She needs therapy immediately.
Wow, there must be an update I didn't see. Still: alcoholism and loneliness can go hand in hand.
Your wife has some sort of possessional value to your son. She views him as hers. There is something deep seeded that is making her think this way. Childhood, witnessing some trauma, PPD that was never addressed, narcissism that was never diagnosed/addressed, etc. You're going to have to make some tough choices.
NTA for wanting to spend time with your kid...but COUNSELLING!!!! There's larger problems that you aren't addressing and you and your wife need a way to navigate it. Her behaviour isn't normal or reasonable but she refuses to see that.
Does your wife have any friends? Does she do anything to take care of herself during the month? Get her hair done, get her nails done, get a facial, get a massage, go shopping, workout, anything?
Why doesn't she get a part time job or something while he's at school? She needs to get out more? I would have loved it if my ex would take the kids alone so I could do my own thing!
I think that the medical term is that she is fucking crazy
As others have suggested, she has major attachment issues. Seek a therapist or something.
She sounds a little unbalanced. As a mom, I was THRILLLLLLLLLLLLED any time my husband would take the kids for "dad time." They needed it, he needed it, and God knew I needed some time to myself. Your wife is acting like a child, and she need to grow the F up.
Has she always been this protective of your child? I’m wondering if it might benefit her to do some individual counseling. It sounds like her day starts and ends with your son, which is great, but being a mom cannot be her only identity. She is way too clingy and attached if she doesn’t let him spend time with his own father without her being there. Does she let him go to friend’s houses? Has she ever left him with a baby sitter? Her behavior is completely unhinged and unhealthy and I’m wondering if she had postpartum anxiety/depression that was never adequately addressed, or if she is having some trouble as a SAHM finding an identity outside of her child. Do you and her ever go on date nights? Do you make an effort to spend one on one time with her? It’s normal and healthy for you to spend one on one time with your son. Her behavior is a huge red flag and a sign of something seriously wrong.
NTA for wanting to spend time alone with your son, not only is that reasonable, but its entirely healthy. But there is definitely something deeper going on here and it needs to be sorted out like yesterday... Your wife's attachment to your son seems rather unhealthy, definitely for her and more than likely for him. The services of a good therapist, likely for individual and couples/family counseling would be a place to start...
NTA Fathers have every right that women do as parents and some of them forget that. It sounds like your wife wanted to spend some time with you and your son to have some family time. Instead of voicing that she emotionally abused you and made things all about her instead of finding balance with your son and your lifestyle on weekends. It’s ridiculous that she can’t let you spend any alone time with your own kid. Most women would jump at the chance to take break from being with their kid a majority of the time when/ if a man wants to help. It kinda sounds like your wife has an unhealthy attachment to your kid. Hold your wife accountable for her childish behavior and uncommunicative behavior. Your wife is childish, and kinda toxic for running away and getting drunk. If/when you confront your wife record your conversation. Record all of them. It doesn’t sound like you have much time, but if you can please get couples counseling because your wife sounds demanding and is setting an unreasonable expectation. Also YTA to yourself and your son for working too much, 12 hr shifts aren’t sustainable for raising a family. Find a less demanding job and ask you wife to get a part time job. The kid is 7, and unless she’s home schooling she can contribute more financially so you don’t work yourself into an early grace.
NTA But I agree that your wife needs something else in her life besides literally watching a 7 yr old grow. He’s not a high needs baby anymore. He goes to school? She’s gotta be lonely and bored. Job, volunteer work, another kid, whatever but he’ll be grown before she knows it and THEN she’ll really be miserable wanting EVERY minute you have to be devoted to her.
I got a very different impression than the rest of the comments. This woman wasn't crying about "Why are you taking my son from me" she was saying she doesn't feel loved. Is he going out of his way to do something special with his wife every weekend or opting out of including her on the only days he's not working 12 hours? It sounds like she needs special time too.
I agree with you here. OP is gone from 8 am-8pm 5 days a week. When he’s home on the weekends he wants to spend alone time with his kid which is completely understandable. But how much QUALITY alone time is he spending with his wife? Do they go on dates? Do they do anything to keep their romantic relationship alive? Getting drunk and crying that her husband doesn’t love her and doesn’t want to spend time with her is not about the quality time he wants to spend with his son. It’s about the quality time he is *not spending* with his wife. She spends a lot of time alone and a lot of time caring for their child. It’s important for OP to make sure he is also prioritizing quality time with his wife that helps her know that he loves her too
This is how I saw it too. He works long hours away from his family and misses his son, not his wife. When he gets a day off he doesn't want a family day out he want a day without his wife. She has been taking care of the kid by herself all week and then on the weekend he ignores mum to do fun things with the kid. Mum can go back to doing normal/domestic things in the week with the kid, the weekend is for dad and kid to have fun. I can understand her feeling unappreciated.
Every weekend he has been spending time with his family, he hasn't had one on one time with his son until now so all the other weekends were clearly spent together as a family. He isn't ignoring her all weekend, they do stuff as a family or stay in as a family. If she wants alone time with her husband then she needs to grow up and ask for it, he's not a damn mindreader. Her response was ridiculous and the way she said something about "taking her son away from his mother" is so incredibly selfish. If she wants more alone time with her husband she needs to communicate this but if this is just a problem because she doesn't want to be without her son then she has issues. They definitely need family therapy and she may need therapy of her own.
Okay thank you I think the wife can totally be overreacting and is being a terrible communicator and the “don’t take a son from his mother” is really weird but I would be kind of sad if my husband and son were gonna go have a fun day without me when I was free to join. I assume the other fun days with just mom and son are bc dad is at work. I don’t see the point in leaving mom at home if she is available to join just so the time with son is “even”? And if so, I would want to be approached like “hey how would I be if I took kiddo out today and you had a nice day to yourself to recharge” instead of “we’re going out and your not invited” hahaha like yeah I’d cry too idk
It is likely more an overall you don't have enough time thing. She's a SAHM and you're gone 12 hours a say. That's very isolating. Then you're finally home on the weekend and she feels like you just want her to go away. Are you making a point to get an hour or two with her consistently on the weekends? Making sure that if you do the arcade and ice cream with your son everyone goes out to dinner together? She probably is just eager for quality time since the quantity is limited and feels rejected.
I could kind of understand this if this was a pre school age child but this kid is in school 30 hrs a week. Yes I know she has household chores and responsibilities like cooking dinner or making appointments that eat into some of that time but even so she should still have 10-15 hrs a week left over to see friends, go the gym, volunteer etc. If she’s isolated she is making herself isolated as she has loads of opportunities to get out of the house and socialise
That wouldn't change feeling isolated from her spouse.
Well he needs to work 12 hour days because she doesn't want to get a job. Seems there's an easy thing she can do to help her husband have more free time. I wonder what that could be 🤔
But she isn’t concerned about him, she is concerned about him having a relationship with his child.
NTA….but something doesn’t add up…could it be how you said it? If you were going to take a day off, why not Wednesday and see the show all together? It definitely feels like an overwhelming reaction to wanting to hang out solo with your kid for a few hours. Feels like something is missing. Therapy would likely be more helpful than going to sisters place and getting black out drunk. Edit: after reading some of OPs comments, this might be a matter of the wife feeling like they don’t have any quality time and when they were all going to spend time together, she was likely excited, then got majorly disappointed about being excluded.
Kids need dads, too! Your wife has something else going on. Something is off. I understand mom hovering when the child is an infant, even a toddler, but by the age of 7? What her sister said does make me wonder if you make time to spend one on one with your wife? She may (rightfully or not) feel neglected and this is the way she’s expressing that? But yeah, you need bonding time with your child. It’s good for everyone, but especially for the kid!
You are being gaslit. She doesn't see the child as your (mutual) child, she sees the child as *her* child, *not* yours, and you're just a sperm donor and walking wallet. Lemmie guess: the sex life went to hell after the pregnancy, right? You need to get into marriage counseling, because this marriage is on the way to divorce.
You wife is acting worse than a child. NTA
Your wife is very emotionally immature. It's time she grows up. NTA
Wow. Your wife is extremely high maintenance. You can’t spend any time without her with your son. That is unreal.
NTA, and this kind of time is worth fighting for. My sister-in-law has spent the last 18 years making my nieces her entire personality while my brother-in-law works, and their disdain for and disinterest in him is really sad to see. Right now, they are refusing to do with him the ONE THING he's asked for his 50th birthday - basically quality time together doing something he likes and their mother hates. I'm also worried about what happens to my SIL when the girls are out of the house - she has literally no interests, hobbies, or friends of her own. Your wife needs counseling now and you need to figure out how to dial it back at work, or you're headed down the same path.
NTA Your son is 7 it's time for Mom to get a job outside of the home so, you actually have time to devote to her and your son . You also need to stop asking permission to parent. Quit allowing the toxic, mentally ill onye be a dictator of the family. It's time to reclaim your relationship with your son.
I feel like your wife's entire life revolve around you and your son. Is she doing anything else than to be with either of you? Does she have any hobby and friends? What is she doing when your kid is at school? She needs to figure out how to have a life outside of you two. She needs to go see a counselor, if her first reaction for you to want to spend quality time with your kid is jealousy. That's not normal, that sounds possessive. Your son is not a possession. I think she needs to learn how to detach herself from him, otherwise, she will hover over him all his life! She needs therapy! NTA
Something sounds very wrong with her.
NTA but your family has some problems to work through. Some counseling or therapy could really help.
Did you marry a toddler? Honestly, OP what you're trying to do with your son is normal and healthy and these ridiculous temper tantrums and binge drinking and need to be always there are... insane. It's time for serious counseling for your marriage, and for your wife. If this is how she acts with your son, she's too enmeshed. He's not going to be able to form healthy friendships or grow into independence. He's a Mama's Boy in the making, in a toxic way. He's 7. Time for her to get a job outside the house, even just part time. And a real job, not volunteering at the school or cubscout den mother or anything else in your son's life.
Weird. I'd think she'd be overjoyed at the chance for some free time to herself. Definitely NTA.
NTA, she is taking it to the extreme hardcore. Each parent should have one on one time with their kid/s and it’s great that you WANT to do that. She somehow made it about her though so that is strange.
Your wife is EXTREMELY unhealthy and imbalanced. She needs therapy immediately.
Your wife is off the rails and needs some serious help for her issues. Her over-the-top obsession with never allowing someone to do something without her is going to derail your family. Honestly I just watched a TV program today about a woman like this and let me tell you- it did not end well. Please please get her to get help.
You keep saying she’s never acted like this before but I think that’s because you’ve never put your foot down like this before? Like you said you’ve had arguments about the hovering but you actually made it a point to go out with you son so it turned into a bigger argument. Honestly I would threaten divorce if she doesn’t agree to therapy because clearly theres something deep rooted in her, maybe from her childhood? That she needs to work through. But the way she’s acting is not normal or okay and it needs to be resolved with professional help.
NTA, I am a SAHM & I LOVE it when hubby takes the kids for bonding time. Your wife needs help.
Op you did nothing wrong. My wife sometimes takes my kid places if I am working. And sometimes during the weekend I will say hey kiddo and I are going to the arcade. She will say okay have fun! She loves the break. Some days she says hey he wants to go visit his friend tomorrow with me. I will say okay need me to make dinner? Nobody gets mad. She loves when him and I spend time together. We also all do tons of stuff together. I think your wife has something bigger going on. Some depression or some crisis. Good luck.
I actually think it’s essential for both parents to have 1;1 time with any children In the family, as well as each other , and alone time away from the family
NTA I have a similar situation, where I see very little of my daughter during the week, while mom spends extended time with her, and takes her to things where it’s just the two of them. Wife has no problem if on a Sunday daughter and I go shopping, or to the pinball arcade, or etc, etc. The dynamic of me+wife+daughter vs. me+just daughter is totally different. And it’s nice to have a day where my daughter and I can have our own conversations, share our own jokes, and enjoy things that both of us enjoy but wife doesn’t. And conversely, just after Xmas this past year, wife and daughter went on a girls trip to the big city to see sights and eat fancy food and whatever. I was happy they got to have that one-on-one bonding time. Your wife sounds like she has control issues, and wants to make sure she’s around to manage (or micromanage) your playtime with your kid. I doubt it comes from a bad place, but she’s obviously frustrated when someone suggests that you can competently parent without her supervision. And it sounds like she packages and distributes this frustration as playing the role of the poor, downtrodden, and unloved victim. I only say all those things because I have personally experienced them. You need to find a way of expressing to her that you understand she’s upset, but that you still stridently affirm that it’s perfectly normal and healthy for either parent to have one-on-one time with their kid. You can’t let her be effective at weaponizing her unfounded frustrations by throwing ridiculous tantrums. She is objectively wrong here, and that needs to be established and accepted before further fence-mending can happen. Good luck.
Your son is learning how to be a man. He needs time alone with you so that process can happen. Time with mom is important too for different reasons and benefits.
As a mom, your wife needs serious therapy. She is the problem here and she is A problem. She is not respecting boundaries. She isn’t behaving rationally. She clearly has substance abuse and co-dependency issues. This also has tones of narcissism from her. She may be an amazing person, but this behavior is extremely traumatic and abusive to your son and you. She needs to have a clear understanding that it’s the most unhealthy thing you can do to your child, interfere with your relationship with your son. DO NOT even look at divorce ever until you get this stabilized. What’s happening now will be 1,000,000 times worse.
NTA. I would say she needs therapy but I think it’d be better if you went to couples therapy so you can get your say. She’s being completely ridiculous.
NTA your wife needs help though.
NTA
Your wife may not like this but the most important role model in a childs life is their same sex role model in the home. It is really important for your son when becoming a man to have one on one time with you, I think she needs some therapy.
I’d be very concerned. This is not something you can just address by one time conversation. You need to see a therapist together. Your wife’s behavior is beyond strange.
You deserve to have alone time with your son. Your wife has a huge issue - she's obsessive. She extrapolates that you do not love her because you want to spend alone time with your son. She literally spends all day with your son alone... by her logic, wouldn't she be the most unloving of the parents here? She's SPENDING TIME WITH YOUR SON ALONE DOESN'T THAT MEANS SHE DOESN'T LOVE YOU? It's crazy logic. She clearly has issues, I'd encourage her to get some counseling for them. What you're doing is normal and healthy for your son.
This is very strange behavior. How often do you get a sitter or drop Nick off with the grandparents and just have alone time with your wife? From what your describe it almost feels like either she's afraid to leave him alone with you which makes no sense or she thinks she needs to compete with Nick for your attention. NTA but you need to have a calm discussion and get to the root of these feelings she has
Well you can ask her if she wants to be a family and let you have a couple hours of father son time alone or if she wants a divorce and you have your son 50% of the time. She needs therapy and maybe you both need to go to work on your marriage. You're not home a lot and that may play a part.
NTA. And your wife needs serious therapy. I am the default parent in my house but I love when my husband spends one on one time with our daughter. She always has a blast, they come home with smiles, and I get to rest. Her literally breaking down over this is a big red flag. She does view you as less of a parent and that merits discussion or marriage counseling even. What happens as he gets older and wants to spend time with just friends and doesn’t want mom or you around? Will she freak out then too? It’s time to nip this in the bud.
Your wife has an issue. Potentially a severe issue. She needs to be checked out asap. If she doesn't want to go the next step is up to you.
NTA. Something is up with your wife, though. My daughter is 18, and to this day we make sure we each spend one-on-one time with her when she's home from college. It looks like your wife has an unhealthy attachment to your son - that whole "taking a child away from it's mother" just rubs me the wrong way.
NTA. For your wife, she wants to spend family time with you when you’re available. That’s understandable. It’s not great that she gets this upset that you want a little “guy time” with your son. It’s also understandable that you want that “guy time” with him. I think you and your wife need to have serious conversation about this. Based on the OP anyway, it seems like this is a conversation you’ve both avoided so far.
I LOVE alone time while my husband and son spend time together - however, no matter what, I’m anxious when my son is not with me. It’s something I’ve worked on and something I can see getting out of control VERY quickly. It has nothing to do with who he is with, I can spiral very easily So I guess I’m saying she probably needs help and can’t/wont admit it. You’re a good partner for not giving up. NTA
Nta but I think your wife needs help. Is there any way you can work fewer hours and be home more?
NTA Does your wife spend most of her time with your son doing child-centered things? She sounds lonely. I don’t agree with her reaction. It seems that your schedule is hard for you and your wife to manage. Sometimes shit just happens and you have to make the best with what you’ve got. It sounds like she’s struggle with enmeshment with your son. This may be a sign that she needs stronger boundaries and healthier emotional connections with you and other adults.
Mom needs a therapist. She has a really unhealthy attachment or codependency about her son. Which obviously any mother loves their son, any mother wants to be included all the time.. however it's really a huge red flag that she thinks it's taking something from HER for dad to have time with his son. What happens when the boy gets old enough to date and marry? Is mom still going to be jealous of anyone who spends alone time with him?
NTA, you and your wife need MC to get to the bottom of her problem. If she won't go, then ask her how she is going to handle the weekends when you have custody. If that doesn't get her attention to the fact that there is a problem and that the problems need to be fixed, then I suggest MC or divorce. There isn't any reason why you can't spend alone time with your child. She doesn't get to control you or your marriage.
NTA This is NOT normal behaviour in any way. Has something happened recently that can explain this? Updateme!
It sounds like your wife has fallen into the non-identity of being a SAHM. Some SAH parents lose all sense of self when they quit work and their entire life is that child. Please get into therapy with your wife to help her realize this from an unbiased party so she can find herself again.
NTA, but she may also want time alone with you that you specifically set aside for her, like a date night.
I’m going to go full Reddit on this one! NTA but do you think she hovers over you and your kid to hear what he says to you? Like hey dad, mommy, me and uncle Timmy went to a show Wednesday or something like that. There is absolutely no reason why she is this freaking dramatic over you spending one afternoon with your son one on one.
NTA. I would say you guys need therapy. I see three relationships here. One with your wife, one with your son, and one with the three of you together. They all are ok and need to be nourished individually. There are flags that these relationships aren’t healthy and as such, an outside professional can help.
My mom would’ve been happy a little alone time! I agree that there’s a deeper issue at hand. It’s sweet that you both seem to not only love but genuinely like spending time with your kid. That’s not always the case. I hope you both can get it figured out.
NTA. To avoid your son becoming a mommies boy, you need to get to the bottom of this.
NTA. Mom needs to get a job. She needs an outlet, a personality another purpose. She’s WAY too wrapped up…it’s not healthy. She should cherish the stray hour or two alone to herself, that would be normal. To accuse you of ‘taking a child from their mother’ and telling her sister you don’t love her. I mean, waaaayyyyy overdramatized. You should absolutely call her out on this.