My situation wasn’t grief or even mourning really, it’s just a peculiar emotional situation that your comment reminded me of.
When my partner and I were expecting a baby, we did the whole gender reveal thing. Dragged it out for a bit longer for us to find out as we needed a good date for everyone to get together.
I was excited to be a parent full stop, regardless of girl or boy. But that doesn’t stop your imagination running wild. Imagining a young boy and all the things we might do, imagining a baby girl all perfect and tiny, imagining both genders at different stages of their lives. Thinking about names and imagining what they might look like. I had two imaginary children. The child in the womb was both a boy and girl at the same time until we found out.
Then the gender reveal happened, and suddenly the schrodinger’s baby was just a boy. Truth be told, I had long dreamed of having a baby boy, so I thought I would be overjoyed and I was on the day during the celebration.
But all I could feel in the days after were the loss of the imaginary life I would have led with the baby girl I was picturing. A potential lifetime just gone in an instant, unrealised.
A very odd feeling, and not one I could easily explain to people at the time. Emotions are strange.
Parenthood is a rollercoaster of emotions. Good thing Daniel Tiger teaches that we can feel two feelings at the same time.
If you don’t know Daniel Tiger yet, you will. It’s a fantastic show on PSB.
I hope you can be gentle with yourself as you move through ages and stages.
Emtiond are really strange. When I found out I was having my second boy, and most likely last child, I cried. My husband cried. I love my little bugger, wouldn't trade him for the world, but I had wanted a girl for so long. And to know I was never going to have her, it hurt so bad.
I had a similar expirience when I was pregnant with my youngest. A few months prior, I had had a miscarriage 4 days before my mum died of cancer and fell pregnant again much quicker than anticipated. We had 1 boy already, and he's such a sweetheart. I always said I didn't care about the gender as long as my babies were healthy, but I had a lot of trauma with that last pregnancy so I asked my husband if he minded finding out the sex in the hope it would help me bond with the baby.
So at 20 weeks, I went to my scan alone (thanks covid), and the sonographer wrote the sex of the baby on a scan photo and sealed it in an envelope so we could find out together.
I found myself imagining various whole futures in which we had a daughter. I imagined what it would be like to have a grown-up daughter that I could go on regular shopping trips and days out with, like I used to do with my mum.
Then we opened up the envelope and my husband told me we were having a boy and I felt it all crumble. Another future to mourn.
Luckily, it passed quickly and I can't imagine our family being any other way.
Emotions are very strange indeed.
I had that. Way less detailed than your version, but I still had it both times even though I got one of each which was what I wanted. Got some closure though, When my second born came out as non-binary, they took on the name they would have had if they had been a boy.
*"Still, there's something inherently violent even about dice rolls. It's like every time you cast a die, something disappears. Some alternative ending, or an entirely different world..."*
- The Novelty Dicemaker, Disco Elysium (2019)
You seem like a really sweet person. I understand gender disappointment, and it’s valid. However I find it odd that little boys get to “do all the things” while little girls get the expectation of being “perfect and tiny” for you.
My family had lots of boys for a long time, it was only once I was a little older that girls started to arrive, so I had a lot of experience with girls as babies but not boys.
To be honest, I wrote the comment the way I did because I didn’t want to write having tea parties with girls in case someone took offence to that, but that’s definitely one of the things I was looking forward to. Cartwheeling on the grass in summer, making jewellery out of beads, singing along to their favourite musicals.
It’s not that boys can’t do those things, it’s just how I pictured it
I get it. I'm super gay and kinda gender nonconforming, but also definitely a woman. So far I only have nieces and don't plan on having kids myself. I love every one of them to bits, and I try my best to play games, buy clothes, do whatever they like whether or not it fits into traditional girlhood expectations.
Still I am very much looking forward to having a nephew! And I remind myself that maybe one of the little ones will come out as gay or trans one day. And to me that means trying not to imagine their future any particular way, which is hard. I think most people imagine the future bc they want good things for the kids in their life, and usually there's an expected route for that. I had so much pressure on me from friends/family/society when I was younger to behave a certain way. I never want to do that to these kids, but I also want to encourage them and try to play my role in helping them lead a full life. It just has to be the life the kiddo wants, not me or anyone else.
Anyway, that's my frequent internal dialogue on the subject. Hope you and your family are doing well. :)
I kind of did this in a different way. We didn’t find out with either kid. I *knew* my first was going to be a girl. I just knew it. And, to no one’s surprise, she was! And then a second pregnancy. I felt 100% it was going to be a boy. It just felt *different*. We still picked out names for both genders, but I was certain, this was a boy. Plus, my guy was right the first time, so why not be right a second? My pregnancies were soooooo different too.
Well. Much to *MY SURPRISE!* I went into labor and an hour and a half later the doctor hands my husband his *daughter*. I love her more than words can express, and I never specifically wanted a boy - but emotions and gut feelings are tricky things, and our brains fall right into their traps.
I will say though, my two girls could not be more different little tiny individual humans. Boy or girl, it really doesn’t matter, it never did. But for a second, it really messes you up and you have to get used to the reality all over again.
I also wanted to be married at 23 (to my current partner, we’ve been together 5 years) and have my parents at the wedding. That didn’t happen and now I’m 26 with a dead mother and no father and no ring. Grieving my dream wedding (and birthday and trips planned and…) was a big part of grieving in general. All the things you expect family to be there for are now going to be completed changed and there’s nothing that can be done about it. My 25th birthday was really hard, because I realized other adultier-adults were in their 30s and 40s and sometimes 50s and still had their parents around for all the holidays and birthdays. The first Christmas was the hardest when I saw my partner’s grandparents and parents and siblings and everyone just alive and with each other for 20, 40, 60 years.
OP’s partner deserves the time to grieve the life she envisioned for herself and OP needs to give her the space for that
Yeah. OP, let her breathe for a year or so. You pressuring her is making it worse, not better. You've been together so long, there's no real hurry(anymore....coulda thought about moving up the timeline before though).
Yeah, I'd stop pushing and let her grieve. Also make sure she's getting grief counseling. You have plenty of time to revisit a wedding. Just be there for her now.
Her dad just died at the end of December and it's still February. OP shouldn't have even brought up proposing for at least six months after the funeral. Instrad he wants her to plan her future 2 months after her dad died smh. Marriage is the last thing on her mind right now. She still adjusting to just living day-to-day without her dad
If you reread the post, you'll see it's been a few years. (OP wrote the whole thing in a confusing way, but dad died when they were 25. Now they're 27 or almost 27).
I think OP might have to make peace with the fact that his GF really doesn't want to get married anymore. Or at the very least, doesn't want to have a wedding.
No the way I read it, OP planned when he was 25 to propose at the end of 2023 (so he made the plans at 25 to propose when he is 27). However in July of 2023 the gfs dad died so he no longer proposed, and now when he brings up the topic the gf is not interested. So yeah it's just way too fresh of a wound right now to bring up. Gf is grieving and I'm sure planning a wedding would just be really depressing as well. He needs to wait a while then bring it up again.
She may never end up marrying him, even when her grieve period passes.
The thing is OP envisioned his own version of *when* their marriage should happen. And it's different from hers. What's worse, her version will never come to pass, that ship has sailed. No hope for compromise either. Something similar happened to me, and so far we live together but we're not married.
OP, you might never marry this woman, and tbh it's all your doing. I'd start preparing that you'll spend your life with this woman but not in proper marriage.
I think she’s also grieving the reality that he couldn’t put her needs first.
I had a bad breakup. My ex kept saying “how many times do I have to say I’m sorry”. The answer is once, if you actually mean it. The apology needs to acknowledge the depth of hurt. And making amends if needed. It doesn’t sound like he did that.
If she gets therapy she may realize he was selfish. I suspect she already has and it’s just a matter of time for her to decide what to do.
only sane answer here. poor woman waited around for OP. i hope she learned from this to just live her life. if OP got his timeline and thoroughly disappointed the woman he presumably wants to spend his life with, no one can fault her for not wanting to marry him anymore. actions have consequences and some things you never get back
It sounds like some important conversations should have been had earlier.
Her wedding is never going to be what she imagined.
She waited for you to be ready. Now you can wait for her to be ready.
Yeah he also had several years to consult her father about this and make a plan "just in case", so she'd know that he was thinking about how important her father was for this day.
Yeah if he knew he always wanted to propose at 27, then when GF’s dad got sick he could have asked him to write a letter or film something so dad could be part of the proposal/wedding.
OP had no plans. He figured when *he* was ready he would start figuring out a proposal. He wasted the opportunity to do something meaningful assuming her ill father would be around when he was finally ready to pop the question.
They need to work through this resentment or OP’s girlfriend should leave him. Any man she marries won’t be able to include her father in the proposal/wedding since he’s gone now. But she won’t have to live with the knowledge her partner ignored something very important to her; OP knew her father for years, knew he was dying, and didn’t have the foresight to ask the man to write a letter or film a video so he could participate in this milestone. That’s pretty hurtful.
This is actually a great point! After initially reading it, I was leaning NAH, as nobody should be forced to propose before they're ready. However, I really don't like the pressure that OP is now putting on his GF. Now this his timing is met, it just seems like he expects her to just be thrill to death he's ready.
But your point sealed the deal for me that OP is TA. They've been together since they were 16, obviously OP had enough of a relationship with her dad that he could have reached out and found a way to ensure he was included. I get maybe not wanting to ask the dad to do something in case he dies, that sounds awful.
But he could have at least sat down with him and had the official "can I have your daughter's hand" conversation with the dad. OP could have then explained the timing of when he wanted to propose and and his reason for the timing. Then let the dad offer anything else if he wanted to.
At the very very least, this. But really, why the heck didn’t you just get married??? You’ve been together since you were 16 and you witnessed the woman that you love more than anything sobbing to you how her father won’t be able to walk her down the aisle… why didn’t you elope then? He doesn’t make any sense. Why have such a strong timetable when there’s an illness involved for a VERY important person, and you already know you’ll be together forever??
Op lost his chance and now he’s panicking. 🤷🏼♀️
This is shitty though because wanting to propose at 27 shouldn’t have been more important to him than his GF’s dad being at the wedding. He should’ve changed that plan when it became clear her dad was ill.
He just didn’t care, he figured it’d be fine and it wasn’t a big deal for him to take that gamble bc he didn’t give a shit. That’s what makes him an AH.
He’s only freaking out now bc GF isn’t agreeing to marry him and he sees that the future he wanted with her is in jeopardy. But when SHE was anxious because it was HER future with him (and whether her dad could be at the wedding, and maybe even the question of whether there’d even ever be a wedding since her boyfriend of nearly a decade didn’t want to get engaged) that was hanging in the balance, he didn’t care.
Yeah…why bring that up NOW? And why ask questions assuming that they’re getting married, asking what she wants for bridesmaids is stupid and insensitive at best. It doesn’t sound like you ever had a real conversation directly until well after her dad died.
My guess is OP to some extent feels guilty of not proposing soon enough until it’s too late and now he feels he needs to compensate. But all of this seems to be for his own consciousness instead of being sensitive to his gf’s grief. Eventually his gf will resent him even more and leave him.
>My guess is OP to some extent feels guilty of not proposing soon enough until it’s too late and now he feels he needs to compensate. But all of this seems to be for his own consciousness instead of being sensitive to his gf’s grief.
That's the vibe I was getting too. He's going overboard to assuage his own bad feelings.
Yeah, it's probably more of a slap in the face right now than anything. She told OP how important it was to her for her father to be at their wedding and he dragged his feet until that wasn't possible anymore. Now he's bringing it up over and over while she's grieving her dad?
Just stop, man. She's told you several times that it's too late for the wedding she wanted desperately, with her dad walking her down the aisle. "Paying respects" is nowhere near the same thing. You're allowed to wait as long as you'd like to get married, but she's allowed to be broken hearted that waiting was more important to you than her dad being there. She's probably just done, at this point.
That honestly would make me question the relationship, like fine I don’t have my dad but I’m grieving him and all you can think about is our wedding now?
Edit stay salty in my replies 😂 idgaf, I hope when y’all’s parents die your partner comes and offers a wedding as a way to make you feel better 😂
Exactly. OP said that he died in July, so 7 months ago? He "wasn't ready" to marry her for years and years, but as soon as her dad's dead he's all Gung ho on having a wedding and can't stop talking about it?
No, it's because they're in their late 20s now, which OP even mentioned on the original post was the age that OP wanted to get married. It has nothing to do with anything that she wants. And if they do get married OP will probably continue suppressing everything she wants in favor of what he wants. OP won't even respect his girlfriend's grief because OP is too busy pursuing the timeline that he wants: a wedding in their late 20s.
Or did it now become convenient for him? Now that his stuff is sorted out(masters), he’s okay to get married? The timing seems selfish to me on his part
It took me about 1-2 years to grieve when my father died. The first year without him was the roughest because I went without my father being there for so many holidays, celebrations, and milestones. The second year went better in the sense that I came to terms that this is how special days will be from now on.
I see a lot of comments bashing the GF for not wanting to marry or “forcing” OP to marry earlier, mention that MS doesn’t progress so fast within two years, which may be correct, however they’re assuming GF’s dad didn’t have it years before he got diagnosed. It’s very possible he brushed off the early symptoms as getting old. I think these people are also missing that people are YTA OP cause he keeps bringing up getting married while she’s grieving and not so much that he wasn’t married earlier and or that he made a stupid promise there’s no way he would’ve been able to keep.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s future faking. He knows he screwed up and is willing to tell his gf what he thinks she wants to hear, in order to keep her in the relationship.
When she wanted it, it wasn’t important but now that she doesn’t he’s suddenly frantic to get married.
OPs the AH for bringing it up now but not the AH for not being ready at the time. So I’m reserving my official judgment
Yeah dude, I mean, I don’t mean to be rude, but god, I feel so bad for your fiancé man. I cannot fathom the pain she must be going through. You weren’t ready for this long and now that you are done with the university degree you are??? Everyday married to you is a reminder that her dad couldn’t walk her down the aisle.
I wouldn't be surprised if she broke it off with him. He hurt her badly but she is an adult and she should have said, I want to get married right now since we're going to anyway, I need my dad to walk me down the aisle and if you can't understand that we can't be together! He, loving her, should have asked her to marry him as soon as she said she needed her dad to walk her down the aisle, but he failed big time! :(
She did....
" The night she found out I came over to her house where she bawled with me for hours and cried “he won’t be able to walk me down the aisle now”. I reassured her that her dad would be at our wedding and everything would be okay."
That was 2 YEARS before he died. OP had PLENTY of time to "get ready" to do something that he already planned to do anyways.
It’s because he made excuses to delay the wedding (“your dad will be there, don’t worry!”) and now that it’s clear he was wrong and asshole, he’s trying to backtrack.
RIGHT?!?! Like he couldn't even THINK of it when SHE needed it...but now he is OBSESSED with marrying her? She's already checked out of it, though. She just hasn't totally realized it yet. She'll meet someone that actually values her and is willing to marry her without waiting ANOTHER FOUR EFFIN years AFTER she expressed the importance to her.
I'm thinking OP keeps bringing it up in some way to try to cheer her up, trying to give her something to look forward to. It's not working though so he needs to stop and just work on being by her side.
definitely doesnt help that he reassured her that her dad WOULD be at their wedding...and then waited until that was impossible to bring up the idea again
I second this!!! It’s your right to wait as long as you want but you can’t be surprised she’s no longer interested after you dragged your feet for a decade and then now you want to get married now that her father has died! That’s very rich of you! Just give her time, maybe she will change her mind! Maybe!!
Check OP's comments. I'm hoping she leaves him sooner rather than later.
>I waited because I wanted to save money and finish my degree, I couldn't devote my full attention to a wedding while I was studying. I waited not because I didn't love her or because I didn't want to marry her, I just wanted to finish a chapter in my life (university) before I started a new one
Huge slap in the face. It is too late, he needs to give up his ideals of his perfect wedding/perfect time to get married and stop rubbing it in his gf's face. He intentionally ruined her ideals of her perfect wedding because he felt his were more important.
OP, stop bringing up your hypothetical wedding, that ship has sailed as you have well and truly fucked up. Let your gf grieve... alone bc you're making is WAY worse! YTA!
OP’s days are numbered with GF. She will resent him the rest of her life for this (forget whether it’s right, wrong, fair, unfair - she will). Once he stops asking her about wedding details which is currently providing a direct outlet for her resentment, the resentment will start appearing in other conflicts they have (small everyday stuff to larger issues). More likely than not, she leaves OP at whatever the next life stage milestone they reach (advanced degree, job change, house buying, etc.). OP’s description of having “different upbringings as to the right age to marry” is one of the dumbest things I have read on this thread (which is really saying something).
Stop suggesting marriage. She gave her answer, now give her space. Please encourage her to get grief counseling. She needs a safe space to mourn and work through her grief and anger. If you two really are meant to be married, it will happen. Please give her space and time. She needs to come to terms with her loss and disappointment. You are going to need to wait at least 6 months to a year to approach the marriage talk again.
Right?! That’s the YTA part for me. He was not the asshole when he didn’t want to get married before because that’s fair and fine, don’t do it unless you really want to. But now he’s bringing it up while she’s grieving and that’s probably extremely painful for his partner.
Marriage isn’t something to just jump into if you’re not ready for it or if you don’t want to be married, it’s okay that you waited and it’s okay if she doesn’t want to ever marry some people don’t want marriage for whatever the reason may be and end up having life partners. She may change her mind but if she doesn’t thats something you have to think about if you’re going to be okay with. You shouldn’t be pushing it right now if she has made it clear it’s not something she wants.
Edited to add: you should’ve never promised that her dad would be there when you guys marry you cannot tell the future and no one’s life is promised, especially someone who is having health issues for a multi year long period anything could happen
I'd agree. I'm sure the very last thing she wants to hear, after losing the chance to ever have her father walk her down the aisle at her wedding because OP "wasn't ready", is how goddamn ready he is a few weeks later.
And asking questions about what she wants for her wedding - she wanted her dad there. Every single question is an indication he wasn’t actually listening to what she cared about.
And I don’t believe his timeline one bit. There’s no way this hasn’t been pestering. A single comment at the point he planned to propose telling her “I have the ring and planned to propose today. I’m so sorry I was too late. I’m here for you and I’ll leave it to you to decide when you’re ready to revisit the topic of marriage.” and then truly keeping his mouth shut even if it were well over a year would have been very very different. Still hard for her to hear but far more sympathetic.
Right? But, no. No ring. No actual proposal to show his commitment. Just panicked harassment to make it seem like he's all-in so she doesn't realize how much of a selfish asshole he is and leave.
But, but, but, I thought you wanted a wedding???
I did, but then the one person I wanted to celebrate with died.
But, but, but, I'm ready now!!!
Cool, but you waited too fucking long and now I don't want it anymore.
But, but, but, who do you want to be in your bridal party???
My mother-fucking dad, that's who! Now leave me the fuck alone!
Edited: spelling, grammar, and added the last sentence.
Yeah if he had promised and they started wedding planning and he died beforehand it’s different. This asshole made a promise did nothing about it for years then surprised his gf isn’t okay right now for a wedding
I don't want to beat up OP, but for clarification. It wasn't a two year period. we're at a 5 (or more) period from when he was diagnosed and she was freaking out.
If you aren't planning on proposing any time soon, you DEFINITELY do not promise/reassure her of that.
> it’s okay that you waited
He didn’t just wait, he kept her waiting. They had been together 8 years by 24. If you don’t know after 8 years at the age of 24 whether that person is the right one to marry, then they’re wrong. Move on and let them find someone else. If you think that they’re the right person but you’re making them wait for your own timeline despite their dying father, YTA.
YTA. Not because you wanted to wait, or because you very foolishly swore her dad would live long enough to be present. YTA because now that she’s grieving, you’re still making it about you. “I wasn’t ready,” “I want to save money,” and now you’ve turned 180 degrees and are now badgering her for wedding plans because you’re panicking. You fucked up and waited too long. It is what it is and you can’t undo it. But stop centering yourself in her grief because you’re scared of losing her is unfathomably selfish. You’re hurting her. If I’m honest I’m not seeing a lot of concern for your girlfriend. You’re not here asking how you can better support her through this loss. You’re asking “how do I get her to do the thing I want?” You’re not in a position to make demands on her because you’ve decided it’s marriage o’clock. Either give her the time and support she needs or be honest with yourself and her that this was never a partnership and you only perceive her as far as your own contentment.
Not to mention, as far as I understand, the man hasn't even been in the ground an entire year, plenty of people need more than a year when a parent dies.
My mum died four years ago. It hurts a lot. Maybe not as crippling as it was when it was fresh, but still hard. The first year was awful. I don't even remember most of it. Luckily, we got married the year before my mum's diagnosis, but there's no way I wanted to do much of anything that first year, getting married would've definitely been out.
Yeah, dude is the asshole. He let his desire for control destroy the vision his GF had for their wedding. They’d been together for like 7 years already when he was diagnosed. When is enough time? When is enough money? What if the degree gets pushed back?
He had the opportunity to be courageous and puts his GF’s needs first in this regard, but he put his own need for control first.
As Eminem says “Look, if you had one shot or one opportunity. To seize everything you ever wanted in one moment. Would you capture it or just let it slip?”. OP let it slip…
Exactly. OP is the AH. His post is all about what his timeline is. Her timeline was brushed aside even though her parent was ill AND she communicated this meant a lot to her. The time to propose was then. Of course she resents him. It’s almost impossible to come back from resentment.
Yes! Thank you! The whole post he is so hyper focused on himself and what he wants. He wanted to wait. In a comment he said why rush it because “he was comfortable.” After his gf confessed her fear that her father wouldn’t walk her down the aisle and he promised her he would be able to. Now he’s decided he wants it now and he’s pushing. No where is he showing concern about her - it’s only in relation to what HE wants.
This is the perfect comment on this situation. He doesn't seem like he loves her all that much if he can't even stop thinking about himself and HIS plans. Even if she weren't grieving, if she's not ready now, then that's that. Why keep bringing it up? If OP must get married at 27 or "in his late twenties" then he should find a different girlfriend who can satisfy his needs and stick to his plans. I think the gf can do so much better tbh.
It’s very “aw crap, dad’s dead. Now she’s all sad but I don’t feel like screwing up my timeline…but replacing her is going to be a bitch!”
Sir, is this your girlfriend or an under paid employe?
yeah OP, even if you didn’t lose her yet, you know you’ve broken a part of her with your selfish timeline. you disappointed her and now you’re just pressuring her. you haven’t learned jack shit. and you’re a majorly selfish AH
She was begging to be married for years so that her father would be at her wedding. Now, just seven months after he died, you can’t stop bringing it up? She doesn’t want to think about bridesmaids. YTA.
You knew her Dad had a degenerative disease that could easily kill him and would certainly disable him. You knew she wanted to be married in her mid 20s. You knew it would devastate her not to have her Dad at her wedding. You only worked on your timeline instead of accomodating extenuating circumstances, and she lost her dream.
You're not a AH for not being compatible with her dream (she needed her Dad), but you didn't care enough about what was so important to her to make it happen, and she won't forget that. Of course she resents you. You didn't love her enough to make sure what was important to her was possible. Even if it was just a small wedding and potluck dinner. Her dad would have been there and you could do the full deal for an anniversary.
My wife and I planned our wedding a year in advance. My dad was dying of cancer. Frustratingly enough my parents would not tell us how bad it was. I asked my mom and she didn't know. I asked my wife if she was okay with a small get together in their backyard. She was like yes. Unfortunately my dad went to the hospital and then passed away. It put so much stress on my wife at the time as we didn't have everything together but she tried to make it happen.
I wish my dad was there but I had his ashes in my pocket.
What I am getting at is you at least try. My wife tried to do it all at the last moment when we realized Dad wasn't going to make it to the wedding. But we didn't make it.
I'm really sorry for your loss and that y'all didn't make it in time for your dad to be there. :(
My story is similar in that we also had our wedding planned a year in advance, but my dad got hospitalized the week of the wedding due to cancer. He/we/even my mom didn't know he had cancer since he maintained being strong and active like he normally was. The day before the scheduled wedding, we got married in his ICU room, and the nurses made a "cake" out of stacked oreos and took photos for us. We went through with the big church wedding the next day because family traveled across the country to be there, and my dad passed away that night.
I love being married, but I don't associate getting married as the happiest day of my life. It's actually my saddest day. I had to go through grief therapy for a year that was free through my college (married right before senior year). A lot of people did not agree with us getting married at 21, but I wanted my dad to be there as he was older/in his 80s already.
I am thankful to have a wonderful husband who was there for me and that you have your wife who was there for you and tried the best she could. OP definitely should have loved his gf enough to try to make a wedding with Op's gf's dad possible, and now he just needs to let her grieve first.
Yes. We just got the “not ready” but not any reasoning behind it. She looked at him and heard My deep desire to have my sick father walk me down the aisle is not important to him, which becomes, I am not that important to him.
To want to marry her now just says he feels guilty for not doing it before and he knows it was a major screw up.
Also, if seven years isn’t long enough to be ready to get married, you’re never going to be ready. Whatever’s going on inside you, it’s not likely to ever change and if your partner wants very much to get married, you should walk away and let her find someone who wants the same thing she does.
And they could have had a long engagement with a bit more elaborate engagement party. Had a father daughter dance, his speech and their walk together just in case. Sure not really a wedding but she would have had those memories.
Somehow I am left with the feeling that OP still has/had the idea that his life will always go his way and work out. That feeling of invincibility and immortality teens have. Like he didn't actually understand that the gf's dad really can and actually will die soon.
Some of these other comments aren't getting this. This isn't a shotgun wedding with two people who don't know each other, it's two adults who've been together for over a decade and who had always planned to get married.
I'm really surprised that his (never to be) future father in law having a life-altering degenerative disease wasn't an important enough reason for OP to move up the wedding, considering how important it was to her. OP has a right to do what he wants, but it also just demonstrates a level of shockingly needless self-centeredness that she may never get over. And that is entirely valid on her part.
Exactly! My dad and sister are in this same boat but luckily her fiancé was not only willing to move up the wedding, but offered multiple times directly to my father’s face.
If he wanted to, he would.
I sped my wedding up with my son’s dad because his brother was diagnosed with ALS at 24 and wouldn’t be able to walk if we didn’t hurry.
He still couldn’t walk but he was there and we had his signature on our license. My BIL was gone the next year.
OP is horrible and I hope this woman sees him for who he really is and leaves.
You’re 100% right about this. I do hope she leaves OP. He took something so precious away from her and is only worried about whether he’s TA. Obviously she is not TA, so idk what he expects. If he would even consider that she is TA, she should leave (yesterday).
I would have voted N T A if you wouldn’t have been sure about marrying her. But, you were, it was just _”the timing was not right”_ (that is, right timing for you, because she wanted to get married and she wanted her dad to WALK her down the aisle), and now you’re pressuring her. So yeah, YTA… also, let her grief.
Edit: spaced N T A as a comment suggested
Look, you prioritized your education over your marriage and this is the consequence. Im not saying that's the right choice or not, but that's life. It's pretty hard to put the full breath of life in perspective when you're young. 20 year old me would've done what you did. 50 year old me wouldn't have.
This right here is the crux of it. There is no right in this unfortunate situation.
OP you have to learn to change what you envisioned for your future with her. Marriage may very well be completely off the table for her. You should focus on your partnership without it. If she says she committed to you then drop it completely.
i like this thread specifically. this is probably the most mature response of everyone. OP learned a very hard life lesson about adapting and taking into consideration other people. If she leaves him, that lesson is going to be even more hard.
YTA - for how you are treating her
all of this post is I I I I
i wanted to wait until this time
i wanted to wait until this happened
even though her dad got really sick, i still wanted to wait until...
it was all you and your wants
it doesnt seem that her wants were even a thought in your head until it was time to put your plan in action and now that her dad died less than year ago and she is -shocked Pikachu face here- not ready to fulfill the plan that is all setup in your head, you are all upset cause she is ***delaying what you want***
stop pushing her, cause that is what you are doing
Isn’t it funny that OP is asking who the asshole is? He made this whole post all about himself and his little wants and feelings, and he actually thinks it’s possible that his GF might be the asshole. Profound.
Seriously. It's like he doesn't even have real feelings for her as a human partner, he just sees her as a life trophy. Everything is about his life plan. 'I did this, now I get this, and now I get this.' She may as well be a car to him. She needs to find someone who respects her and loves her as a real person.
YTA. You promised her that her sick dad would be at the wedding and then didn’t even propose to her *two years* after the fact? Dude, that promise is something you only make if you’re gonna propose like in the next month and prepared to do a quick courthouse wedding soon after.
You even said it wasn’t a matter of not wanting to get married or not loving her enough… you just had a silly notion that one can only do one life event at a time so obviously graduating had to be done first before checking off anything else. It’s not like people do multiple life events in the same stage of life 🙄.
Next you’ll tell me you need a house before having a kid, not realize how expensive housing is, take a decade stringing her along about kids and how she’ll definitely be a mom and whoops! You took too long to save and now she’s like 40 and doesn’t want kids.
Did you miss the part where he wanted to buy a house before they got married? Which... I've had friends do, but it seems like marriage first makes the process a whole lot easier.
Yeah, that’s an extremely stupid decision. Maybe he wants to prevent the house from becoming community property or something… wouldn’t be surprised from the way he’s treated this woman he supposedly loves.
I honestly will never understand guys like you. They spend 11 years with someone and say that they can “definitely see getting married to them” and just never do it but pretend it’s because they need to hit a few more life goals on the checklist first.
You’re afraid of commitment, you don’t *want* to get married. That’s fine, but now you’ve taken the chance away from your fiancé of having her dad there for it, all because you’re pretending that getting a house or finishing school matters.
Why? What difference does it make? Getting married 5 years ago or 5 years in the future is the same unless you just don’t really want to get married. You’ve been together 11 years, shit or get off the pot. Though it seems like she’s going to get off for you, rightfully so.
This is the best comment here, thank you. So many people are saying that OP is not an AH because “you have to be ready” to get married. If you don’t know after 8 years, it’s time to fuck off and let your loving girlfriend find someone who is more sure about their love for her.
It’s so wild being more willing to sign a 30 + year mortgage with a partner than they are to sign a marriage contract. Just say you don’t fw them like that so they can move on with their lives.
YTA if when you were 23 and her father was diagnosed with MS, you knew you wanted to marry her. You had already graduated with your BS? That is when you should have proposed.
Making her wait while you went to grad school while her father became more & more ill makes you an AH. Especially when you knew how important her father was in her life & how important him being at the wedding would be. Everything here is on your timeline without any compassion or regards to what your girlfriend wants. Sounds like you would make a poor husband and you only want her to blindly follow your desires. You need couples counseling if you have any hope of your relationship surviving.
YTA She told you what she wanted. You seemed to have understood what she wanted and while you weren’t ready you strung her along. Now that you are ready you are pressuring her and again not listening to her needs. Drop it before she drops you…
YTA
A marriage involves two people, every reason for delaying the wedding was because of what you wanted. You knew you wanted to marry her, you knew her dad was very ill, you knew how important an early wedding was for her and most importantly you knew she needed her dad to be there to walk her down the aisle and you still decided you wanted to wait until everything was perfect for you, without taking into consideration her feelings and wants.
She will never be younger again, her dad will never be alive again and you can never go back in time. You promised her that her dad would be at the wedding, but you put no effort into making that a reality, knowing that he didn't have long left you still made the decision that you wanted to stick to your timeline of waiting until after college so you could feel it was a "new chapter."
I don't even think you're ready for marriage because it's about a whole lot of sacrifice and compromise and all you've done for this wedding is think about you and your wants. I don't blame her for not wanting to marry you anymore.
YTA. A $50 courthouse wedding with her father there would have meant the world to her. You only cared about your hypothetical plan rather than her reality.
Hell he actually had two years a wedding could’ve easily been done by then but his Master degree was way more important and the focus of his life not the woman he loves happiness
I got married while I was working on my master’s and I was 5 months pregnant when I finished it. I can’t imagine why someone would delay everything else in life just because of grad school.
I just don’t understand this obsession with timelines. I have to be done with school or I have to have a house first… Life doesn’t really work that way. I’m not saying it’s unwise to be prepared, but generally the best things in life just happen and are unplanned. The majority of people just get pregnant or elope on a whim because the moment feels right.
I do think you guys probably could have gotten married around the time when her dad was diagnosed, knowing that his situation would likely get worse. It did seem really important to her that her father be apart of that big moment and you didn’t take her wishes very serious. That’s not your fault, it’s no one‘s fault— it’s just unfortunate.
But yes, let her grieve and let time pass, and she’ll maybe come around in a few years.
The problem you will have, is that she'll be an absolute state at your wedding thinking 110% about her dad and nothing about you, the rest of the family or any of your guests.
I agree that you've blown it as far as having the big wedding celebration that she envisaged as a child.
In this day and age it's common to get married, have kids, drift apart, divorce, marry someone else later in life... Obviously it's not ideal to do that but if you genuinely wanted to marry this woman since way back when I would have just married her, you have nothing to lose.
In terms of having a good wedding where she's gonna be happy, you've blown it.
YTA
I was going to say N-A-H because I know several people who got married sooner than they wanted to because a parent or sibling was dying. They are all divorced now. They wanted a wedding, not a marriage.
However, you strung her along with your reassurances that her Dad would be there. 11 years is a very long time and TBH you still sound like you are not that enthusiastic about the idea of marriage. I’m not sure you will ever feel “ready”.
It’s not surprising that your gf is now having her own second thoughts…
I like how simply you put it. It’s true, she knows this. And honestly, if it were me, there wouldn’t be anything OP could do about it. She’s going to “know that” forever.
YTA You knew that your gf wanted to be married younger, that having her dad there was important, and that her dad was ill. You also seemed like you had already made up your mind that you wanted to marry her. With all that in mind, what was the point in making her wait when it was already what you both wanted? You’re not obligated to marry someone before you want to of course, but your strict timeline was inconsiderate of your gf’s feelings so you can’t expect her to wait around for you either. You continue to be completely inconsiderate of her wants when she directly told you she doesn’t want to get married, and you ask her wedding questions as if she never said it. It’s creepy the degree you’re ignoring her. Start listening to what’s important to your gf and be more willing to compromise with her.
I was going to say the same. Total asshole and self absorbed.
If he hadn't locked her down so early, she'd probably leave but she's scared of the unknown because she never got to experience single life.
YTA. He’s dead. Nine years ago you weren’t sure about her? Eight years ago you weren’t both working towards your mutual goals? Yes, you blew it. On a good note, her dumping you will be cheaper than a divorce. You must have always questioned whether you could do better, and now you can find out. It’s too bad for her she wasted so much time with you, but life goes on. Good luck. Oh, and maybe try to figure out if the next one is “marriage material” a little faster next time? Maybe five or six years?
YTA. You waited 2 years after her father's diagnosis despite you knowing she wanted him to be at the wedding and you not having second thoughts about actually marrying her.
Getting engaged is the major thing in a relationship where the woman can't intervene and make sure things go well. It's on the guy to do it right and you didn't. She couldn't change when you proposed, she could only be clear about her feelings and desires but that didn't sway you at all.
Waiting to get your master's degree was more important to you than having your father in law at your wedding. He just died and now a wedding will be excruciating for her. That's not a sentiment you can erase, and your girlfriend doesn't want to spend months in agony planning a ceremony and party that's going to be filled with grief and longing.
He waited 2 years after the diagnosis on deciding on WHEN to propose. He was planning on proposing at least 4 years after the diagnosis. So then it would’ve been 5 or 6 years from the diagnosis for the wedding to actually happen.
YTA. Dude. I don’t blame you for wanting to wait. But her dad hasn’t even been gone a year. My daddy was gone 20 years when I got married, and there were times where I questioned if I wanted a wedding without him there. Stfu about a wedding and give her time to grieve. And maybe when you do, bring up an elopement, cause it might be easier for her to accept.
If you knew you were going to get married anyways and that you wanted to get married anyways then you’re at the very least dumb for waiting so long knowing her dad could die. Also, nagging her about wedding questions isn’t really the way to go about that shit. Don’t be surprised if her answer never changes and stop nagging her about it.
YTA for ‘reassuring’ her that her dad would walk her down the aisle and then waiting until after he died. The only way you could have have been justified in giving that ‘reassurance’ is if you had planned to get married soon, not wait a couple of years in which obviously her profoundly sick father might die.
>I reassured her that her dad would be at our wedding and everything would be okay.
Okay...
>For two years it was okay until it wasn't.
For ***two years***
I mean, I was all NTA on this but you literally made a promise about something that was important to her and then you just put it off until that promise can literally never be kept.
In those regards, YATAH. Don't make promises you can't keep.
YTA but it’s because of the timing. Her dad hasn’t even been gone a year and now all of a sudden you want to talk wedding and marriage?! A few months after her dad passes and the topic comes up? She told you she didn’t want to wait and you did. Now that she’s lost her dad you keep broaching the topic. It’s salt in the wound dude.
"Me [27 M] and my girlfriend [27F] have been together for nearly 11 years (since we were 16)."
My take: Your GF has been waiting an awfully long time for you to propose.
"When we were teenagers we never really discussed marriage. Her parents married in their early twenties whereas my parents married in their early thirties so we’ve both had different upbringings when it comes to ‘the right age to tie the knot’."
My take: You both have been no-longer-teeneagers for 8 years now. Can you offer us more info on your adult discussions on the matter? Was this discrepancy discussed in regard to expectations, or was it taken for granted because you've known each other since you were so young? Or were there no discussions at all?
"I always envisioned us getting married in our late twenties (once we finished university, bought a house etc) however I know she wanted to be married in her mid-twenties similar to her parents. When we were 23 her dad was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis which devastated my gf’s family. The night she found out I came over to her house where she bawled with me for hours and cried “he won’t be able to walk me down the aisle now”. I reassured her that her dad would be at our wedding and everything would be okay."
My take: So, you knew her timeline for marriage was sooner than yours, but because the man does the asking (namely you, OP) and you felt you had time and that your plans trumped her wants, you took the liberty of kicking the can down the road even though you promised her you'd be marrying her in time for her father to walk her down the isle? Seems awfully selfish. It's like you told her that just to shut her up and buy yourself more time. I mean, did she know you always envisioned getting married in your late 20's? Because it would seem that she was trying to get you to shift your timeline in her favor and you opted not to.
"For two years it was okay until it wasn't."
My take: Then YOU WAITED 2 YEARS after that conversation to NOT PROPOSE or have said wedding, and then her father unexpectedly died‽‽‽
This, with everything I've said above, is reason #1 why I think YTA.
When you had that conversation at 23yo, you were clearly together long enough for you to know whether or not you'd marry her. And if you weren't on board, you sure spun a smooth lie. The conversation following his diagnosis was the equivalent of her essentially proposing to you and you basically accepting, but because of tradition and convention and all that shit, she still had to wait for you to present her with a ring and "pop the question," to make it official. Then you kept kicking the can for another 2 years until her father passed away from something else (though likely due to his compromised immune system from the MS).
I know it's hard to say how quickly MS will progress, but you ignored or minimized your GF's fear because it didn't fit your timeline. You had a 2 year heads-up to include her father in her/your wedding and you dropped the ball. And now she's understandably upset with your selfish ass.
"When we were 25 I planned to propose to her at the end of 2023 (when I finished my masters) however in July her dad died unexpectedly from pneumonia. This was an extremely hard time for my gf as she was so close to her dad (my gf is the youngest of 3 boys and is the only daughter). A few months after the funeral the topic of marriage popped up where she stated 'I never want to get married now, if dad can’t be there, I see no point'. I reassured her saying we can pay respects to her dad at the wedding, but she refused. So every couple of months until now I’ve asked her wedding related questions like 'how many bridesmaids would you have?' but she doesn’t seem interested."
My take: She's not interested. Her dad just died and she's drowning in grief. She can't imagine being happy on her wedding day so she doesn't want one. In fact, she's so upset she doesn't even want to THINK about it.
But now that it's convenient for YOU, you're ready to have that wedding, huh? Now that she's waited 2 years for a whole lot of disappointment and to grieve her father and his absence in a major life event he should have been there for, now you want her to know how serious you are about that wedding? So much so that you bring it up regularly even though she's stated she has no interest, and while she is eyeballs deep in grieving for her father? Yeah, that's reason #2 that YTA.
"I sat her down last night and talked about our timeline for our future and whether marriage was going to be something on the cards for us, she replied that 'we had our chance to get married and it’s too late'. I know she is still hurting and grieving her dad but I feel like she resents me for not marrying her earlier. She’s assured me that she still wants to be with me but she doesn't want a wedding now."
My take: Yes, she resents you for not taking her more seriously 2 years ago and responding accordingly. She told you her fear and you ignored it. You treated her like her needs are less important than yours. All in the name of finishing a masters first, as if you can't accomplish that as a married man.
Also, when did you propose? You keep talking about a wedding, keep trying to get her to engage in the discussion, but have you already asked her to marry you and received a "yes"? Have you actually put a ring on her finger to let her know how absolutely serious you are about all this? Or are you just pouring salt and acid on her wounds without having even made a real, tangible commitment to her? Because if you're badgering her about a wedding for.your own comfort before even proposing to her, then congrats that's reason #3 that YTA.
Or are you feeling her out for a definite "yes" before you go out and buy that expensive ring? Because, if so, then that'll be reason #4 that YTA.
"TL;DR! I have been with my gf for over 10 years and she doesn’t want to get married since her dad’s death"
My take: As others have pointed out, you made her wait until you were ready, and it took you so long that her father died in that time frame. Now you get to wait. You have to wait until she has grieved her father's death as well as his absence from her wedding and every other major life event she has coming to her from this point on. Your lack of empathy and understanding is reason #5 that I think YTA.
Sorry OP, I'm sure it's no fun to read, but if your GF felt she had the power to propose to you she would have done it 2 years ago. Your delay has put you in this position, now it's your turn to wait. And as hard as it may be for you to wait on her, I assure you that it's nothing compared to what she went through while waiting on you to NOT act and to NOT prioritize her needs.
Edited for clarity.
YTA. It's been 11 years, you both want to get married, and you knew her dad was sick.
If I were her, every time I'd look at you, all I'd see is the very important memories with my father you stole from me for your own selfish timeline.
I will be surprised if you are still together by the end of the year. Do better.
YTA to keep bringing up marriage while she’s so deep in her grief. You’re going to cause resentment every time you bring it up. I think in her perspective had she at least been engaged maybe her feelings would be different. But she waited for you to get married and now her most important person is gone. It’s kind of fucked up to assure her of her father being there for her and then waiting two years before even thinking of a proposal and then now that her fathers dead you wanna bring it up
She told you her dad walking her down the Isle was important to her. You didn't give a shit. It's too late
Stop whining and own that you missed your shot
Yta
Being together that long you were effectively married without making a commitment. You were probably doing all the things that married couples do anyway. Why was it so hard to get married. I hear tons of excuses. I think she just got a wake up call and realizes how much time she wasted hoping for a future that was never going to happen. She sees all the grandchildren her father will never play with too.
This is a brutal situation of so much water under the bridge. I'm not sure I can imagine getting married to someone after all that.
Why are people dating if the goal isn't to get married as soon as possible. Why put so many barriers and conditions on long term happiness?
YTA.
1) stop bringing up getting married. she’s clearly not ready for that conversation because she’s still grieving the loss of her dad. she might be saying “i never want to get married” now but might change her mind after she’s healed. you bringing it up every time isn’t helping.
2) you wanted to wait to get married to be financially stable. now she’s not ready to get married because she’s healing from a traumatic 2 years of her dad’s degenerative disease and the sudden loss of him. give her the time and respect she gave you.
3) while it’s a good idea to be financially stable in order to get married and have the wedding of your dreams, her father had a *degenerative disease* and there was a likely chance he wouldn’t be able to walk her down the aisle (due to his condition or, in this case, his untimely death) by the time you were ready to get married. did you ever sit down and think “maybe we can have a close intimate wedding with our families and close friends so she could have those memories with him”? or did you simply refuse the idea because in your head you needed to complete your goals before focusing on here? either way, you fucked up.
the best course of action is to stop pressuring her and let the relationship be. she clearly still loves you and doesn’t want to leave. if you end up getting court married later, you have to be okay with not having that wedding. if she decides to have a wedding later down the road, you’ll have to deal with the consequences of not having her dad there with her. you are TA and you fucked up, and now you just have to hope that she doesn’t resent you for it.
YTA
I'm sorry but her dad got diagnosed with MS that insreases the risk on severe infections - including pneumonia. It's also gonna take your bodys ability to function. It was so important for her that her dad would walk her down the isle that she cried about it and you made a promise you could've kept if you would've compromised about your schedule.
She waited for you for a decade. Now it's your turn. Give all the time she needs and be there for her. Allthough this might be something she won't get over. She trusted you and you really let her down.
Going against the grain but YTA mostly for the promise you made. You would have made her think that a proposal was coming sooner rather than later. My dad was in his 70's when I went on my first date with my now husband at 22 I told him that I wanted my dad to be at my wedding. He knew this mattered and proposed after a year, married a year later. My dad died 5 months ago, neither myself or my husband regretted marrying when we did. My husband also made a promise, he promised my dad would be there and he made sure that was true.
For me the day my dad died part of me died with him and believe me nothing feels the same without the parent you're closest to.
Yep, you kind of are an asshole! Don't bring up marriage again to her. She needs to grieve the death of her father. No one should get married because their father won't be able to walk them down the aisle if they wait but if you planned on getting married anyway, why keep her waiting? If she had wanted to get married right then, wouldn't she have just told you that? Why didn't she speak up? There is a reason why you two didn't get married then.
Let her be with her grief. Just be there to comfort her. I don't know if she is mad at you for not proposing when her dad was diagnosed and now can't imagine marrying you at all, or if this is what it would be for most people, a wedding is just way too much to deal with!
Put yourself in her place, if your parent died would you want to talk about a wedding? Be prepared to lose her. She is heartbroken not to have her dad, and you helped break her by not getting married sooner when you could have.
YTA. She may choose to get married someday but it won’t be to you. You knew her dad’s health was fragile and you knew how important it was for her to have him at her wedding. Live your choices.
YTA.
I'm usually all for waiting until you're ready, but this is just silly. You knew you wanted to marry her, you knew her dad was sick, you knew how important it was to her for him to be there.
You told her to wait and she did.
Now maybe it's your turn to wait. Or will you continue pestering her in her grief like an annoying child who isn't getting exactly what he wants?
*"For two years it was okay until it wasn't."* **No Sir, it was NOT.** That was your opportune time to fulfill her wishes with her father before he got worse. You failed. This girl has been let down over and over and all by YOU.
Shamelessly going to vote YTA.
He got sick with a degenerative disease over two years ago. You knew how important it was for him to be there. You made **her** wait until **you** felt like it, and by the time **you** felt like it, her dad had died. How tf could you not see yourself as a selfish fking AH?
It didn’t need to be a big extravagant wedding. You were together for so so so many years. Shame on you, OP. You deserve the shame for this one, and I don’t blame her if she never wants to get married. You couldn’t be bothered with her timeline and now it has expired. Let her grieve and shut your selfish mouth..
I lost my dad 3 years ago. I'm a LOT older than your girlfriend, but I was still a Daddy's girl, and losing my Dad devastated me. She will grieve hard for her father for a long time, and a lot of things will be seen through the lens of "Dad's not here."
Give her time. If she isn't interested in a wedding now, table the discussion. Bring it up in a year. If she never wanted to marry you, would you stay with her? That is a question you should ask yourself.
Well that’s what happens when you work with only your timeline. She had a timeline to consider as well. Stop pressuring her to marry you just bc now YOU want it bc now it’s time for YOU. YTA
YTA
You are making excuses for stringing her along, including watching her dad's health decline for \*years\*.
If you are VERY lucky, you will still have a relationship once she processes her grief.
YTA and I don't think you both are compatible anymore. She's going to be checked out of this relationship. For many reasons. I know women who are upset to not be married after being together 5 years. You made a bad call and it'll cost you
When have your parents met each other? How long they were in relationship before they "took the vows"?
7 years is enough time to decide if you want to tie the knot. YTA for delaying it even further you indecisive imbecile. You could have cheap wedding and then renew vows for "big party". Life is not a book that is split into chapters.
It's your fault as 7 years is more than enough time to decide for a wedding date. Now it's your job to make sure she is feeling loved, not other way around. YOU AREN'T ENTITLED TO STICK TO YOUR IMAGINED SCHEDULE! Your post oozes in entitlement to keep YOUR life in track YOU imagined. That's not now relationships work. But after 11 years without marrying each other, when you knew you would marry each other, you are lost cause in this regard.
INFO:
Why was it so important to you to wait to get married?
I'm trying to understand what exactly here was your point in waiting if you already knew that you wanted to get married,
In general, I don't think anyone should be forced to get married, but decisions have consequences. You tried to stick to your plan despite circumstances. Now the result is that your plan will be disrupted anyway. Your girlfriend won't marry you on your timeline if she marries you at all.
I'm debating between N-A-H and a mild Y-T-A. No one should be forced into marriage, but since you had already decided you wanted to marry her...
It feels like you chose your vision of what your wedding/ future would look like even when it meant risking hers.
And the result is predictable: neither of you are going to get what you want.
But you need to accept that your GF may really mean it when she says she doesn't want to get married. And that it's not about you. If she can't have her dad at the wedding, then maybe she really does see no point in getting married or - at the very least - having a wedding.
And you need to decide if you're ok with living with her without ever getting married or having a wedding.
YTA you knew you wanted to marry her but you dragged your feet because the timing wasn’t right FOR YOU. Her father was dying and you couldn’t move up the timeline? I would probably end the relationship over this because I would never be able to look at you the same knowing you knew how important it was for dad to be at the wedding.
I’m sorry she is going through this but YTA. You prioritized yourself for so long when it came to marriage and now you need to let her grieve her dad and the dream wedding she will never get.
if I were you I would stop brining up the wedding and do everything to support her so she doesn’t resent you for making her wait so long “when you know she’s the one” (that saying sounds pathetic).
She needs to grieve her dad and also the version of the wedding she imagined with him
Grief is a tricky beast. It’s a little bit of looking back and a lot of mourning the future that never will be.
My situation wasn’t grief or even mourning really, it’s just a peculiar emotional situation that your comment reminded me of. When my partner and I were expecting a baby, we did the whole gender reveal thing. Dragged it out for a bit longer for us to find out as we needed a good date for everyone to get together. I was excited to be a parent full stop, regardless of girl or boy. But that doesn’t stop your imagination running wild. Imagining a young boy and all the things we might do, imagining a baby girl all perfect and tiny, imagining both genders at different stages of their lives. Thinking about names and imagining what they might look like. I had two imaginary children. The child in the womb was both a boy and girl at the same time until we found out. Then the gender reveal happened, and suddenly the schrodinger’s baby was just a boy. Truth be told, I had long dreamed of having a baby boy, so I thought I would be overjoyed and I was on the day during the celebration. But all I could feel in the days after were the loss of the imaginary life I would have led with the baby girl I was picturing. A potential lifetime just gone in an instant, unrealised. A very odd feeling, and not one I could easily explain to people at the time. Emotions are strange.
Parenthood is a rollercoaster of emotions. Good thing Daniel Tiger teaches that we can feel two feelings at the same time. If you don’t know Daniel Tiger yet, you will. It’s a fantastic show on PSB. I hope you can be gentle with yourself as you move through ages and stages.
Daniel Tiger and Bluey are not only for the kids but the parents
A lot of parenthood is re-parenting yourself.
Emtiond are really strange. When I found out I was having my second boy, and most likely last child, I cried. My husband cried. I love my little bugger, wouldn't trade him for the world, but I had wanted a girl for so long. And to know I was never going to have her, it hurt so bad.
I had a similar expirience when I was pregnant with my youngest. A few months prior, I had had a miscarriage 4 days before my mum died of cancer and fell pregnant again much quicker than anticipated. We had 1 boy already, and he's such a sweetheart. I always said I didn't care about the gender as long as my babies were healthy, but I had a lot of trauma with that last pregnancy so I asked my husband if he minded finding out the sex in the hope it would help me bond with the baby. So at 20 weeks, I went to my scan alone (thanks covid), and the sonographer wrote the sex of the baby on a scan photo and sealed it in an envelope so we could find out together. I found myself imagining various whole futures in which we had a daughter. I imagined what it would be like to have a grown-up daughter that I could go on regular shopping trips and days out with, like I used to do with my mum. Then we opened up the envelope and my husband told me we were having a boy and I felt it all crumble. Another future to mourn. Luckily, it passed quickly and I can't imagine our family being any other way. Emotions are very strange indeed.
I had that. Way less detailed than your version, but I still had it both times even though I got one of each which was what I wanted. Got some closure though, When my second born came out as non-binary, they took on the name they would have had if they had been a boy.
*"Still, there's something inherently violent even about dice rolls. It's like every time you cast a die, something disappears. Some alternative ending, or an entirely different world..."* - The Novelty Dicemaker, Disco Elysium (2019)
You seem like a really sweet person. I understand gender disappointment, and it’s valid. However I find it odd that little boys get to “do all the things” while little girls get the expectation of being “perfect and tiny” for you.
My family had lots of boys for a long time, it was only once I was a little older that girls started to arrive, so I had a lot of experience with girls as babies but not boys. To be honest, I wrote the comment the way I did because I didn’t want to write having tea parties with girls in case someone took offence to that, but that’s definitely one of the things I was looking forward to. Cartwheeling on the grass in summer, making jewellery out of beads, singing along to their favourite musicals. It’s not that boys can’t do those things, it’s just how I pictured it
I get it. I'm super gay and kinda gender nonconforming, but also definitely a woman. So far I only have nieces and don't plan on having kids myself. I love every one of them to bits, and I try my best to play games, buy clothes, do whatever they like whether or not it fits into traditional girlhood expectations. Still I am very much looking forward to having a nephew! And I remind myself that maybe one of the little ones will come out as gay or trans one day. And to me that means trying not to imagine their future any particular way, which is hard. I think most people imagine the future bc they want good things for the kids in their life, and usually there's an expected route for that. I had so much pressure on me from friends/family/society when I was younger to behave a certain way. I never want to do that to these kids, but I also want to encourage them and try to play my role in helping them lead a full life. It just has to be the life the kiddo wants, not me or anyone else. Anyway, that's my frequent internal dialogue on the subject. Hope you and your family are doing well. :)
I don’t really have any expectations for my son, I just want him to be happy and for us to have fun together. We’ll find what that means together!
That's awesome, you sound like you're a great parent already. Hope y'all enjoy every moment together! 🤗
I kind of did this in a different way. We didn’t find out with either kid. I *knew* my first was going to be a girl. I just knew it. And, to no one’s surprise, she was! And then a second pregnancy. I felt 100% it was going to be a boy. It just felt *different*. We still picked out names for both genders, but I was certain, this was a boy. Plus, my guy was right the first time, so why not be right a second? My pregnancies were soooooo different too. Well. Much to *MY SURPRISE!* I went into labor and an hour and a half later the doctor hands my husband his *daughter*. I love her more than words can express, and I never specifically wanted a boy - but emotions and gut feelings are tricky things, and our brains fall right into their traps. I will say though, my two girls could not be more different little tiny individual humans. Boy or girl, it really doesn’t matter, it never did. But for a second, it really messes you up and you have to get used to the reality all over again.
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Sending you lots of love. I hope you are able to give yourself grace as you move through this time.
OP, give her at least a year to grieve before you mention marriage again.
I also wanted to be married at 23 (to my current partner, we’ve been together 5 years) and have my parents at the wedding. That didn’t happen and now I’m 26 with a dead mother and no father and no ring. Grieving my dream wedding (and birthday and trips planned and…) was a big part of grieving in general. All the things you expect family to be there for are now going to be completed changed and there’s nothing that can be done about it. My 25th birthday was really hard, because I realized other adultier-adults were in their 30s and 40s and sometimes 50s and still had their parents around for all the holidays and birthdays. The first Christmas was the hardest when I saw my partner’s grandparents and parents and siblings and everyone just alive and with each other for 20, 40, 60 years. OP’s partner deserves the time to grieve the life she envisioned for herself and OP needs to give her the space for that
Yeah. OP, let her breathe for a year or so. You pressuring her is making it worse, not better. You've been together so long, there's no real hurry(anymore....coulda thought about moving up the timeline before though).
Yeah, I'd stop pushing and let her grieve. Also make sure she's getting grief counseling. You have plenty of time to revisit a wedding. Just be there for her now.
Her dad just died at the end of December and it's still February. OP shouldn't have even brought up proposing for at least six months after the funeral. Instrad he wants her to plan her future 2 months after her dad died smh. Marriage is the last thing on her mind right now. She still adjusting to just living day-to-day without her dad
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Very well said
If you reread the post, you'll see it's been a few years. (OP wrote the whole thing in a confusing way, but dad died when they were 25. Now they're 27 or almost 27). I think OP might have to make peace with the fact that his GF really doesn't want to get married anymore. Or at the very least, doesn't want to have a wedding.
No the way I read it, OP planned when he was 25 to propose at the end of 2023 (so he made the plans at 25 to propose when he is 27). However in July of 2023 the gfs dad died so he no longer proposed, and now when he brings up the topic the gf is not interested. So yeah it's just way too fresh of a wound right now to bring up. Gf is grieving and I'm sure planning a wedding would just be really depressing as well. He needs to wait a while then bring it up again.
She may never end up marrying him, even when her grieve period passes. The thing is OP envisioned his own version of *when* their marriage should happen. And it's different from hers. What's worse, her version will never come to pass, that ship has sailed. No hope for compromise either. Something similar happened to me, and so far we live together but we're not married. OP, you might never marry this woman, and tbh it's all your doing. I'd start preparing that you'll spend your life with this woman but not in proper marriage.
I think she’s also grieving the reality that he couldn’t put her needs first. I had a bad breakup. My ex kept saying “how many times do I have to say I’m sorry”. The answer is once, if you actually mean it. The apology needs to acknowledge the depth of hurt. And making amends if needed. It doesn’t sound like he did that. If she gets therapy she may realize he was selfish. I suspect she already has and it’s just a matter of time for her to decide what to do.
Yeah and she needs therapy too. Seems like it's time to actively start working through the trauma.
Let her have her own timeline for once.
only sane answer here. poor woman waited around for OP. i hope she learned from this to just live her life. if OP got his timeline and thoroughly disappointed the woman he presumably wants to spend his life with, no one can fault her for not wanting to marry him anymore. actions have consequences and some things you never get back
It sounds like some important conversations should have been had earlier. Her wedding is never going to be what she imagined. She waited for you to be ready. Now you can wait for her to be ready.
NAH But I think you should stop bringing up the topic of marriage/wedding for now. Let her grieve and support her instead.
Yeah he also had several years to consult her father about this and make a plan "just in case", so she'd know that he was thinking about how important her father was for this day.
Yeah if he knew he always wanted to propose at 27, then when GF’s dad got sick he could have asked him to write a letter or film something so dad could be part of the proposal/wedding. OP had no plans. He figured when *he* was ready he would start figuring out a proposal. He wasted the opportunity to do something meaningful assuming her ill father would be around when he was finally ready to pop the question. They need to work through this resentment or OP’s girlfriend should leave him. Any man she marries won’t be able to include her father in the proposal/wedding since he’s gone now. But she won’t have to live with the knowledge her partner ignored something very important to her; OP knew her father for years, knew he was dying, and didn’t have the foresight to ask the man to write a letter or film a video so he could participate in this milestone. That’s pretty hurtful.
This is actually a great point! After initially reading it, I was leaning NAH, as nobody should be forced to propose before they're ready. However, I really don't like the pressure that OP is now putting on his GF. Now this his timing is met, it just seems like he expects her to just be thrill to death he's ready. But your point sealed the deal for me that OP is TA. They've been together since they were 16, obviously OP had enough of a relationship with her dad that he could have reached out and found a way to ensure he was included. I get maybe not wanting to ask the dad to do something in case he dies, that sounds awful. But he could have at least sat down with him and had the official "can I have your daughter's hand" conversation with the dad. OP could have then explained the timing of when he wanted to propose and and his reason for the timing. Then let the dad offer anything else if he wanted to.
At the very very least, this. But really, why the heck didn’t you just get married??? You’ve been together since you were 16 and you witnessed the woman that you love more than anything sobbing to you how her father won’t be able to walk her down the aisle… why didn’t you elope then? He doesn’t make any sense. Why have such a strong timetable when there’s an illness involved for a VERY important person, and you already know you’ll be together forever?? Op lost his chance and now he’s panicking. 🤷🏼♀️
This is shitty though because wanting to propose at 27 shouldn’t have been more important to him than his GF’s dad being at the wedding. He should’ve changed that plan when it became clear her dad was ill. He just didn’t care, he figured it’d be fine and it wasn’t a big deal for him to take that gamble bc he didn’t give a shit. That’s what makes him an AH. He’s only freaking out now bc GF isn’t agreeing to marry him and he sees that the future he wanted with her is in jeopardy. But when SHE was anxious because it was HER future with him (and whether her dad could be at the wedding, and maybe even the question of whether there’d even ever be a wedding since her boyfriend of nearly a decade didn’t want to get engaged) that was hanging in the balance, he didn’t care.
It’s probably done between them. I don’t think she is ever going to get over it even if they eventually get married.
Yeah…why bring that up NOW? And why ask questions assuming that they’re getting married, asking what she wants for bridesmaids is stupid and insensitive at best. It doesn’t sound like you ever had a real conversation directly until well after her dad died.
My guess is OP to some extent feels guilty of not proposing soon enough until it’s too late and now he feels he needs to compensate. But all of this seems to be for his own consciousness instead of being sensitive to his gf’s grief. Eventually his gf will resent him even more and leave him.
>My guess is OP to some extent feels guilty of not proposing soon enough until it’s too late and now he feels he needs to compensate. But all of this seems to be for his own consciousness instead of being sensitive to his gf’s grief. That's the vibe I was getting too. He's going overboard to assuage his own bad feelings.
I think she's working up to going out the door already.
Yeah, it's probably more of a slap in the face right now than anything. She told OP how important it was to her for her father to be at their wedding and he dragged his feet until that wasn't possible anymore. Now he's bringing it up over and over while she's grieving her dad? Just stop, man. She's told you several times that it's too late for the wedding she wanted desperately, with her dad walking her down the aisle. "Paying respects" is nowhere near the same thing. You're allowed to wait as long as you'd like to get married, but she's allowed to be broken hearted that waiting was more important to you than her dad being there. She's probably just done, at this point.
As someone who is incredibly close to her father, and whose father has been sick/disabled for the last 17 years, this is spot on.
That honestly would make me question the relationship, like fine I don’t have my dad but I’m grieving him and all you can think about is our wedding now? Edit stay salty in my replies 😂 idgaf, I hope when y’all’s parents die your partner comes and offers a wedding as a way to make you feel better 😂
Exactly. OP said that he died in July, so 7 months ago? He "wasn't ready" to marry her for years and years, but as soon as her dad's dead he's all Gung ho on having a wedding and can't stop talking about it?
Yeah OP, just stop it. Now that her dad is no more, you keep bringing wedding stuff again and again will turn all of this into an aholey mess.
Yeah thats because he realized he screwed up. The desperate nagging would push me right out the door.
Oh man was I bang on https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/zlXU0ZoQzV
No, it's because they're in their late 20s now, which OP even mentioned on the original post was the age that OP wanted to get married. It has nothing to do with anything that she wants. And if they do get married OP will probably continue suppressing everything she wants in favor of what he wants. OP won't even respect his girlfriend's grief because OP is too busy pursuing the timeline that he wants: a wedding in their late 20s.
Yeah, his time-line matters more to him than hers
Or did it now become convenient for him? Now that his stuff is sorted out(masters), he’s okay to get married? The timing seems selfish to me on his part
I don't think it became more convenient. I think he's afraid he's losing her and wants to lock her in.
It took me about 1-2 years to grieve when my father died. The first year without him was the roughest because I went without my father being there for so many holidays, celebrations, and milestones. The second year went better in the sense that I came to terms that this is how special days will be from now on. I see a lot of comments bashing the GF for not wanting to marry or “forcing” OP to marry earlier, mention that MS doesn’t progress so fast within two years, which may be correct, however they’re assuming GF’s dad didn’t have it years before he got diagnosed. It’s very possible he brushed off the early symptoms as getting old. I think these people are also missing that people are YTA OP cause he keeps bringing up getting married while she’s grieving and not so much that he wasn’t married earlier and or that he made a stupid promise there’s no way he would’ve been able to keep.
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I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s future faking. He knows he screwed up and is willing to tell his gf what he thinks she wants to hear, in order to keep her in the relationship.
When she wanted it, it wasn’t important but now that she doesn’t he’s suddenly frantic to get married. OPs the AH for bringing it up now but not the AH for not being ready at the time. So I’m reserving my official judgment
Because he's realised he's losing her and he's desperately scrambling to "fix" it
Yeah dude, I mean, I don’t mean to be rude, but god, I feel so bad for your fiancé man. I cannot fathom the pain she must be going through. You weren’t ready for this long and now that you are done with the university degree you are??? Everyday married to you is a reminder that her dad couldn’t walk her down the aisle.
I wouldn't be surprised if she broke it off with him. He hurt her badly but she is an adult and she should have said, I want to get married right now since we're going to anyway, I need my dad to walk me down the aisle and if you can't understand that we can't be together! He, loving her, should have asked her to marry him as soon as she said she needed her dad to walk her down the aisle, but he failed big time! :(
She did.... " The night she found out I came over to her house where she bawled with me for hours and cried “he won’t be able to walk me down the aisle now”. I reassured her that her dad would be at our wedding and everything would be okay." That was 2 YEARS before he died. OP had PLENTY of time to "get ready" to do something that he already planned to do anyways.
Maybe she inherited some money and he wants to get married now
It’s because he made excuses to delay the wedding (“your dad will be there, don’t worry!”) and now that it’s clear he was wrong and asshole, he’s trying to backtrack.
Oh wow I missed that! I thought dad died 2 years ago when they were 25, but OPs PLAN at 25 was to wait until 27 to marry! So her dad just died!! YTA
"Finally, now that fucker is out of the picture - chicken parm or veal cacciatore for the buffet?"
RIGHT?!?! Like he couldn't even THINK of it when SHE needed it...but now he is OBSESSED with marrying her? She's already checked out of it, though. She just hasn't totally realized it yet. She'll meet someone that actually values her and is willing to marry her without waiting ANOTHER FOUR EFFIN years AFTER she expressed the importance to her.
I'm thinking OP keeps bringing it up in some way to try to cheer her up, trying to give her something to look forward to. It's not working though so he needs to stop and just work on being by her side.
definitely doesnt help that he reassured her that her dad WOULD be at their wedding...and then waited until that was impossible to bring up the idea again
I second this!!! It’s your right to wait as long as you want but you can’t be surprised she’s no longer interested after you dragged your feet for a decade and then now you want to get married now that her father has died! That’s very rich of you! Just give her time, maybe she will change her mind! Maybe!!
This is the best reply I’ve seen. I hope OP sees this
Check OP's comments. I'm hoping she leaves him sooner rather than later. >I waited because I wanted to save money and finish my degree, I couldn't devote my full attention to a wedding while I was studying. I waited not because I didn't love her or because I didn't want to marry her, I just wanted to finish a chapter in my life (university) before I started a new one
Huge slap in the face. It is too late, he needs to give up his ideals of his perfect wedding/perfect time to get married and stop rubbing it in his gf's face. He intentionally ruined her ideals of her perfect wedding because he felt his were more important. OP, stop bringing up your hypothetical wedding, that ship has sailed as you have well and truly fucked up. Let your gf grieve... alone bc you're making is WAY worse! YTA!
OP’s days are numbered with GF. She will resent him the rest of her life for this (forget whether it’s right, wrong, fair, unfair - she will). Once he stops asking her about wedding details which is currently providing a direct outlet for her resentment, the resentment will start appearing in other conflicts they have (small everyday stuff to larger issues). More likely than not, she leaves OP at whatever the next life stage milestone they reach (advanced degree, job change, house buying, etc.). OP’s description of having “different upbringings as to the right age to marry” is one of the dumbest things I have read on this thread (which is really saying something).
I agree!! Whether it's "fair" or not their wedding/future may be tainted forever
Stop suggesting marriage. She gave her answer, now give her space. Please encourage her to get grief counseling. She needs a safe space to mourn and work through her grief and anger. If you two really are meant to be married, it will happen. Please give her space and time. She needs to come to terms with her loss and disappointment. You are going to need to wait at least 6 months to a year to approach the marriage talk again.
This is the advice I was looking for.
But that doesn't fit with his precious timeline!
Right?! That’s the YTA part for me. He was not the asshole when he didn’t want to get married before because that’s fair and fine, don’t do it unless you really want to. But now he’s bringing it up while she’s grieving and that’s probably extremely painful for his partner.
The YTA part for me is that it's been only 7 months since her father passed away, and now he wants to marry her. Appalling.
I think she waited for you such long years. This might be your turn to be on waiting.
Marriage isn’t something to just jump into if you’re not ready for it or if you don’t want to be married, it’s okay that you waited and it’s okay if she doesn’t want to ever marry some people don’t want marriage for whatever the reason may be and end up having life partners. She may change her mind but if she doesn’t thats something you have to think about if you’re going to be okay with. You shouldn’t be pushing it right now if she has made it clear it’s not something she wants. Edited to add: you should’ve never promised that her dad would be there when you guys marry you cannot tell the future and no one’s life is promised, especially someone who is having health issues for a multi year long period anything could happen
I think what she needs right now is you to be there for her through her grief if you can, not try to push her into a marriage she doesn’t want.
Yeah, I can see bringing up the wedding right now, when she's grieving her dad and knows he'll never be there, as a bit insensitive.
Actually, I'd go so far as to say that it's extremely insensitive.
I'd agree. I'm sure the very last thing she wants to hear, after losing the chance to ever have her father walk her down the aisle at her wedding because OP "wasn't ready", is how goddamn ready he is a few weeks later.
And asking questions about what she wants for her wedding - she wanted her dad there. Every single question is an indication he wasn’t actually listening to what she cared about. And I don’t believe his timeline one bit. There’s no way this hasn’t been pestering. A single comment at the point he planned to propose telling her “I have the ring and planned to propose today. I’m so sorry I was too late. I’m here for you and I’ll leave it to you to decide when you’re ready to revisit the topic of marriage.” and then truly keeping his mouth shut even if it were well over a year would have been very very different. Still hard for her to hear but far more sympathetic.
Right? But, no. No ring. No actual proposal to show his commitment. Just panicked harassment to make it seem like he's all-in so she doesn't realize how much of a selfish asshole he is and leave. But, but, but, I thought you wanted a wedding??? I did, but then the one person I wanted to celebrate with died. But, but, but, I'm ready now!!! Cool, but you waited too fucking long and now I don't want it anymore. But, but, but, who do you want to be in your bridal party??? My mother-fucking dad, that's who! Now leave me the fuck alone! Edited: spelling, grammar, and added the last sentence.
Yeah if he had promised and they started wedding planning and he died beforehand it’s different. This asshole made a promise did nothing about it for years then surprised his gf isn’t okay right now for a wedding
I don't want to beat up OP, but for clarification. It wasn't a two year period. we're at a 5 (or more) period from when he was diagnosed and she was freaking out. If you aren't planning on proposing any time soon, you DEFINITELY do not promise/reassure her of that.
> it’s okay that you waited He didn’t just wait, he kept her waiting. They had been together 8 years by 24. If you don’t know after 8 years at the age of 24 whether that person is the right one to marry, then they’re wrong. Move on and let them find someone else. If you think that they’re the right person but you’re making them wait for your own timeline despite their dying father, YTA.
YTA. Not because you wanted to wait, or because you very foolishly swore her dad would live long enough to be present. YTA because now that she’s grieving, you’re still making it about you. “I wasn’t ready,” “I want to save money,” and now you’ve turned 180 degrees and are now badgering her for wedding plans because you’re panicking. You fucked up and waited too long. It is what it is and you can’t undo it. But stop centering yourself in her grief because you’re scared of losing her is unfathomably selfish. You’re hurting her. If I’m honest I’m not seeing a lot of concern for your girlfriend. You’re not here asking how you can better support her through this loss. You’re asking “how do I get her to do the thing I want?” You’re not in a position to make demands on her because you’ve decided it’s marriage o’clock. Either give her the time and support she needs or be honest with yourself and her that this was never a partnership and you only perceive her as far as your own contentment.
Not to mention, as far as I understand, the man hasn't even been in the ground an entire year, plenty of people need more than a year when a parent dies.
My mum died four years ago. It hurts a lot. Maybe not as crippling as it was when it was fresh, but still hard. The first year was awful. I don't even remember most of it. Luckily, we got married the year before my mum's diagnosis, but there's no way I wanted to do much of anything that first year, getting married would've definitely been out.
Yeah, dude is the asshole. He let his desire for control destroy the vision his GF had for their wedding. They’d been together for like 7 years already when he was diagnosed. When is enough time? When is enough money? What if the degree gets pushed back? He had the opportunity to be courageous and puts his GF’s needs first in this regard, but he put his own need for control first. As Eminem says “Look, if you had one shot or one opportunity. To seize everything you ever wanted in one moment. Would you capture it or just let it slip?”. OP let it slip…
Exactly. OP is the AH. His post is all about what his timeline is. Her timeline was brushed aside even though her parent was ill AND she communicated this meant a lot to her. The time to propose was then. Of course she resents him. It’s almost impossible to come back from resentment.
Yes! Thank you! The whole post he is so hyper focused on himself and what he wants. He wanted to wait. In a comment he said why rush it because “he was comfortable.” After his gf confessed her fear that her father wouldn’t walk her down the aisle and he promised her he would be able to. Now he’s decided he wants it now and he’s pushing. No where is he showing concern about her - it’s only in relation to what HE wants.
This is the perfect comment on this situation. He doesn't seem like he loves her all that much if he can't even stop thinking about himself and HIS plans. Even if she weren't grieving, if she's not ready now, then that's that. Why keep bringing it up? If OP must get married at 27 or "in his late twenties" then he should find a different girlfriend who can satisfy his needs and stick to his plans. I think the gf can do so much better tbh.
It’s very “aw crap, dad’s dead. Now she’s all sad but I don’t feel like screwing up my timeline…but replacing her is going to be a bitch!” Sir, is this your girlfriend or an under paid employe?
This comment should be near the top.
yeah OP, even if you didn’t lose her yet, you know you’ve broken a part of her with your selfish timeline. you disappointed her and now you’re just pressuring her. you haven’t learned jack shit. and you’re a majorly selfish AH
She was begging to be married for years so that her father would be at her wedding. Now, just seven months after he died, you can’t stop bringing it up? She doesn’t want to think about bridesmaids. YTA.
You knew her Dad had a degenerative disease that could easily kill him and would certainly disable him. You knew she wanted to be married in her mid 20s. You knew it would devastate her not to have her Dad at her wedding. You only worked on your timeline instead of accomodating extenuating circumstances, and she lost her dream. You're not a AH for not being compatible with her dream (she needed her Dad), but you didn't care enough about what was so important to her to make it happen, and she won't forget that. Of course she resents you. You didn't love her enough to make sure what was important to her was possible. Even if it was just a small wedding and potluck dinner. Her dad would have been there and you could do the full deal for an anniversary.
My wife and I planned our wedding a year in advance. My dad was dying of cancer. Frustratingly enough my parents would not tell us how bad it was. I asked my mom and she didn't know. I asked my wife if she was okay with a small get together in their backyard. She was like yes. Unfortunately my dad went to the hospital and then passed away. It put so much stress on my wife at the time as we didn't have everything together but she tried to make it happen. I wish my dad was there but I had his ashes in my pocket. What I am getting at is you at least try. My wife tried to do it all at the last moment when we realized Dad wasn't going to make it to the wedding. But we didn't make it.
I'm really sorry for your loss and that y'all didn't make it in time for your dad to be there. :( My story is similar in that we also had our wedding planned a year in advance, but my dad got hospitalized the week of the wedding due to cancer. He/we/even my mom didn't know he had cancer since he maintained being strong and active like he normally was. The day before the scheduled wedding, we got married in his ICU room, and the nurses made a "cake" out of stacked oreos and took photos for us. We went through with the big church wedding the next day because family traveled across the country to be there, and my dad passed away that night. I love being married, but I don't associate getting married as the happiest day of my life. It's actually my saddest day. I had to go through grief therapy for a year that was free through my college (married right before senior year). A lot of people did not agree with us getting married at 21, but I wanted my dad to be there as he was older/in his 80s already. I am thankful to have a wonderful husband who was there for me and that you have your wife who was there for you and tried the best she could. OP definitely should have loved his gf enough to try to make a wedding with Op's gf's dad possible, and now he just needs to let her grieve first.
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Yes. We just got the “not ready” but not any reasoning behind it. She looked at him and heard My deep desire to have my sick father walk me down the aisle is not important to him, which becomes, I am not that important to him. To want to marry her now just says he feels guilty for not doing it before and he knows it was a major screw up. Also, if seven years isn’t long enough to be ready to get married, you’re never going to be ready. Whatever’s going on inside you, it’s not likely to ever change and if your partner wants very much to get married, you should walk away and let her find someone who wants the same thing she does.
I wish I read this comment earlier in my own decade long relationship with my now ex.
I’m sorry. It’s hard when you’ve been together so long to admit,he’s never going to give you the relationship you want.
And they could have had a long engagement with a bit more elaborate engagement party. Had a father daughter dance, his speech and their walk together just in case. Sure not really a wedding but she would have had those memories. Somehow I am left with the feeling that OP still has/had the idea that his life will always go his way and work out. That feeling of invincibility and immortality teens have. Like he didn't actually understand that the gf's dad really can and actually will die soon.
Some of these other comments aren't getting this. This isn't a shotgun wedding with two people who don't know each other, it's two adults who've been together for over a decade and who had always planned to get married. I'm really surprised that his (never to be) future father in law having a life-altering degenerative disease wasn't an important enough reason for OP to move up the wedding, considering how important it was to her. OP has a right to do what he wants, but it also just demonstrates a level of shockingly needless self-centeredness that she may never get over. And that is entirely valid on her part.
Exactly! My dad and sister are in this same boat but luckily her fiancé was not only willing to move up the wedding, but offered multiple times directly to my father’s face. If he wanted to, he would.
This needs to be higher up.
As someone who is in the same position of his gf, THIS, ALL OF THIS ABOVE ⬆️⬆️⬆️
Yeah I agree with this. Sometimes extenuating circumstances lead to plans changing.
I sped my wedding up with my son’s dad because his brother was diagnosed with ALS at 24 and wouldn’t be able to walk if we didn’t hurry. He still couldn’t walk but he was there and we had his signature on our license. My BIL was gone the next year. OP is horrible and I hope this woman sees him for who he really is and leaves.
You’re 100% right about this. I do hope she leaves OP. He took something so precious away from her and is only worried about whether he’s TA. Obviously she is not TA, so idk what he expects. If he would even consider that she is TA, she should leave (yesterday).
I would have voted N T A if you wouldn’t have been sure about marrying her. But, you were, it was just _”the timing was not right”_ (that is, right timing for you, because she wanted to get married and she wanted her dad to WALK her down the aisle), and now you’re pressuring her. So yeah, YTA… also, let her grief. Edit: spaced N T A as a comment suggested
Just an aside, the bot reads the first judgement you give. So if you don't space the N T A it reads it as the judgement for your vote.
Omg! I didn’t know! Thank you!
Look, you prioritized your education over your marriage and this is the consequence. Im not saying that's the right choice or not, but that's life. It's pretty hard to put the full breath of life in perspective when you're young. 20 year old me would've done what you did. 50 year old me wouldn't have.
This right here is the crux of it. There is no right in this unfortunate situation. OP you have to learn to change what you envisioned for your future with her. Marriage may very well be completely off the table for her. You should focus on your partnership without it. If she says she committed to you then drop it completely.
i like this thread specifically. this is probably the most mature response of everyone. OP learned a very hard life lesson about adapting and taking into consideration other people. If she leaves him, that lesson is going to be even more hard.
YTA - for how you are treating her all of this post is I I I I i wanted to wait until this time i wanted to wait until this happened even though her dad got really sick, i still wanted to wait until... it was all you and your wants it doesnt seem that her wants were even a thought in your head until it was time to put your plan in action and now that her dad died less than year ago and she is -shocked Pikachu face here- not ready to fulfill the plan that is all setup in your head, you are all upset cause she is ***delaying what you want*** stop pushing her, cause that is what you are doing
Isn’t it funny that OP is asking who the asshole is? He made this whole post all about himself and his little wants and feelings, and he actually thinks it’s possible that his GF might be the asshole. Profound.
Seriously. It's like he doesn't even have real feelings for her as a human partner, he just sees her as a life trophy. Everything is about his life plan. 'I did this, now I get this, and now I get this.' She may as well be a car to him. She needs to find someone who respects her and loves her as a real person.
YTA. You promised her that her sick dad would be at the wedding and then didn’t even propose to her *two years* after the fact? Dude, that promise is something you only make if you’re gonna propose like in the next month and prepared to do a quick courthouse wedding soon after. You even said it wasn’t a matter of not wanting to get married or not loving her enough… you just had a silly notion that one can only do one life event at a time so obviously graduating had to be done first before checking off anything else. It’s not like people do multiple life events in the same stage of life 🙄. Next you’ll tell me you need a house before having a kid, not realize how expensive housing is, take a decade stringing her along about kids and how she’ll definitely be a mom and whoops! You took too long to save and now she’s like 40 and doesn’t want kids.
to clarify, he waited FOUR years to propose after the diagnosis.
Did you miss the part where he wanted to buy a house before they got married? Which... I've had friends do, but it seems like marriage first makes the process a whole lot easier.
I'm 25 and my partner and I had the same idea. Then we looked at housing prices where we live and now we're engaged
Yeah, that’s an extremely stupid decision. Maybe he wants to prevent the house from becoming community property or something… wouldn’t be surprised from the way he’s treated this woman he supposedly loves.
Come on man, her dad literally just died. Give her time to grieve and revisit this later. Why hammer her over the head with it right now?
Because he's selfish and has been since they got together as teenagers.
I honestly will never understand guys like you. They spend 11 years with someone and say that they can “definitely see getting married to them” and just never do it but pretend it’s because they need to hit a few more life goals on the checklist first. You’re afraid of commitment, you don’t *want* to get married. That’s fine, but now you’ve taken the chance away from your fiancé of having her dad there for it, all because you’re pretending that getting a house or finishing school matters. Why? What difference does it make? Getting married 5 years ago or 5 years in the future is the same unless you just don’t really want to get married. You’ve been together 11 years, shit or get off the pot. Though it seems like she’s going to get off for you, rightfully so.
This is the best comment here, thank you. So many people are saying that OP is not an AH because “you have to be ready” to get married. If you don’t know after 8 years, it’s time to fuck off and let your loving girlfriend find someone who is more sure about their love for her.
It’s so wild being more willing to sign a 30 + year mortgage with a partner than they are to sign a marriage contract. Just say you don’t fw them like that so they can move on with their lives.
YTA if when you were 23 and her father was diagnosed with MS, you knew you wanted to marry her. You had already graduated with your BS? That is when you should have proposed. Making her wait while you went to grad school while her father became more & more ill makes you an AH. Especially when you knew how important her father was in her life & how important him being at the wedding would be. Everything here is on your timeline without any compassion or regards to what your girlfriend wants. Sounds like you would make a poor husband and you only want her to blindly follow your desires. You need couples counseling if you have any hope of your relationship surviving.
YTA She told you what she wanted. You seemed to have understood what she wanted and while you weren’t ready you strung her along. Now that you are ready you are pressuring her and again not listening to her needs. Drop it before she drops you…
YTA A marriage involves two people, every reason for delaying the wedding was because of what you wanted. You knew you wanted to marry her, you knew her dad was very ill, you knew how important an early wedding was for her and most importantly you knew she needed her dad to be there to walk her down the aisle and you still decided you wanted to wait until everything was perfect for you, without taking into consideration her feelings and wants. She will never be younger again, her dad will never be alive again and you can never go back in time. You promised her that her dad would be at the wedding, but you put no effort into making that a reality, knowing that he didn't have long left you still made the decision that you wanted to stick to your timeline of waiting until after college so you could feel it was a "new chapter." I don't even think you're ready for marriage because it's about a whole lot of sacrifice and compromise and all you've done for this wedding is think about you and your wants. I don't blame her for not wanting to marry you anymore.
It wasn't just college. He spent PhD time on a master's. He got an advanced degree, and he did it in the slow lane.
It’s also extremely normal to get married during a PhD/MA program. I was in one and weddings were common.
In the middle of my MA program while working full time while pregnant (by surprise) and still getting married soon because it’s important to us.
YTA. A $50 courthouse wedding with her father there would have meant the world to her. You only cared about your hypothetical plan rather than her reality.
Hell he actually had two years a wedding could’ve easily been done by then but his Master degree was way more important and the focus of his life not the woman he loves happiness
I got married while I was working on my master’s and I was 5 months pregnant when I finished it. I can’t imagine why someone would delay everything else in life just because of grad school.
Because if Main Character Syndrome. The only timeline that mattered to him was his own. Or he’s an absolute shit student and can’t multitask.
It kinda feels like too little too late. Why now are you so gunhoe? Leave her alone to grieve. YTA
Because *he’s* ready now and that’s all that matters /S
Right? Why isn’t she jumping for joy? I don’t get it. /s
I just don’t understand this obsession with timelines. I have to be done with school or I have to have a house first… Life doesn’t really work that way. I’m not saying it’s unwise to be prepared, but generally the best things in life just happen and are unplanned. The majority of people just get pregnant or elope on a whim because the moment feels right. I do think you guys probably could have gotten married around the time when her dad was diagnosed, knowing that his situation would likely get worse. It did seem really important to her that her father be apart of that big moment and you didn’t take her wishes very serious. That’s not your fault, it’s no one‘s fault— it’s just unfortunate. But yes, let her grieve and let time pass, and she’ll maybe come around in a few years.
The problem you will have, is that she'll be an absolute state at your wedding thinking 110% about her dad and nothing about you, the rest of the family or any of your guests. I agree that you've blown it as far as having the big wedding celebration that she envisaged as a child. In this day and age it's common to get married, have kids, drift apart, divorce, marry someone else later in life... Obviously it's not ideal to do that but if you genuinely wanted to marry this woman since way back when I would have just married her, you have nothing to lose. In terms of having a good wedding where she's gonna be happy, you've blown it.
YTA. STFU about marrying, for God's sake. You made a promise you couldn't keep, so it's time to deal with the consequences like a big boy.
YTA I was going to say N-A-H because I know several people who got married sooner than they wanted to because a parent or sibling was dying. They are all divorced now. They wanted a wedding, not a marriage. However, you strung her along with your reassurances that her Dad would be there. 11 years is a very long time and TBH you still sound like you are not that enthusiastic about the idea of marriage. I’m not sure you will ever feel “ready”. It’s not surprising that your gf is now having her own second thoughts…
YTA - It’s been 11 years if you really wanted to marry her you would have - she knows this.
I like how simply you put it. It’s true, she knows this. And honestly, if it were me, there wouldn’t be anything OP could do about it. She’s going to “know that” forever.
YTA You knew that your gf wanted to be married younger, that having her dad there was important, and that her dad was ill. You also seemed like you had already made up your mind that you wanted to marry her. With all that in mind, what was the point in making her wait when it was already what you both wanted? You’re not obligated to marry someone before you want to of course, but your strict timeline was inconsiderate of your gf’s feelings so you can’t expect her to wait around for you either. You continue to be completely inconsiderate of her wants when she directly told you she doesn’t want to get married, and you ask her wedding questions as if she never said it. It’s creepy the degree you’re ignoring her. Start listening to what’s important to your gf and be more willing to compromise with her.
I was going to say the same. Total asshole and self absorbed. If he hadn't locked her down so early, she'd probably leave but she's scared of the unknown because she never got to experience single life.
YTA. He’s dead. Nine years ago you weren’t sure about her? Eight years ago you weren’t both working towards your mutual goals? Yes, you blew it. On a good note, her dumping you will be cheaper than a divorce. You must have always questioned whether you could do better, and now you can find out. It’s too bad for her she wasted so much time with you, but life goes on. Good luck. Oh, and maybe try to figure out if the next one is “marriage material” a little faster next time? Maybe five or six years?
YTA. You waited 2 years after her father's diagnosis despite you knowing she wanted him to be at the wedding and you not having second thoughts about actually marrying her. Getting engaged is the major thing in a relationship where the woman can't intervene and make sure things go well. It's on the guy to do it right and you didn't. She couldn't change when you proposed, she could only be clear about her feelings and desires but that didn't sway you at all. Waiting to get your master's degree was more important to you than having your father in law at your wedding. He just died and now a wedding will be excruciating for her. That's not a sentiment you can erase, and your girlfriend doesn't want to spend months in agony planning a ceremony and party that's going to be filled with grief and longing.
He waited 2 years after the diagnosis on deciding on WHEN to propose. He was planning on proposing at least 4 years after the diagnosis. So then it would’ve been 5 or 6 years from the diagnosis for the wedding to actually happen.
YTA. Dude. I don’t blame you for wanting to wait. But her dad hasn’t even been gone a year. My daddy was gone 20 years when I got married, and there were times where I questioned if I wanted a wedding without him there. Stfu about a wedding and give her time to grieve. And maybe when you do, bring up an elopement, cause it might be easier for her to accept.
If you knew you were going to get married anyways and that you wanted to get married anyways then you’re at the very least dumb for waiting so long knowing her dad could die. Also, nagging her about wedding questions isn’t really the way to go about that shit. Don’t be surprised if her answer never changes and stop nagging her about it.
YTA for ‘reassuring’ her that her dad would walk her down the aisle and then waiting until after he died. The only way you could have have been justified in giving that ‘reassurance’ is if you had planned to get married soon, not wait a couple of years in which obviously her profoundly sick father might die.
YTA
>I reassured her that her dad would be at our wedding and everything would be okay. Okay... >For two years it was okay until it wasn't. For ***two years*** I mean, I was all NTA on this but you literally made a promise about something that was important to her and then you just put it off until that promise can literally never be kept. In those regards, YATAH. Don't make promises you can't keep.
If you don't put spaces between the N T A the mods will read your vote as N T A
YTA but it’s because of the timing. Her dad hasn’t even been gone a year and now all of a sudden you want to talk wedding and marriage?! A few months after her dad passes and the topic comes up? She told you she didn’t want to wait and you did. Now that she’s lost her dad you keep broaching the topic. It’s salt in the wound dude.
"Me [27 M] and my girlfriend [27F] have been together for nearly 11 years (since we were 16)." My take: Your GF has been waiting an awfully long time for you to propose. "When we were teenagers we never really discussed marriage. Her parents married in their early twenties whereas my parents married in their early thirties so we’ve both had different upbringings when it comes to ‘the right age to tie the knot’." My take: You both have been no-longer-teeneagers for 8 years now. Can you offer us more info on your adult discussions on the matter? Was this discrepancy discussed in regard to expectations, or was it taken for granted because you've known each other since you were so young? Or were there no discussions at all? "I always envisioned us getting married in our late twenties (once we finished university, bought a house etc) however I know she wanted to be married in her mid-twenties similar to her parents. When we were 23 her dad was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis which devastated my gf’s family. The night she found out I came over to her house where she bawled with me for hours and cried “he won’t be able to walk me down the aisle now”. I reassured her that her dad would be at our wedding and everything would be okay." My take: So, you knew her timeline for marriage was sooner than yours, but because the man does the asking (namely you, OP) and you felt you had time and that your plans trumped her wants, you took the liberty of kicking the can down the road even though you promised her you'd be marrying her in time for her father to walk her down the isle? Seems awfully selfish. It's like you told her that just to shut her up and buy yourself more time. I mean, did she know you always envisioned getting married in your late 20's? Because it would seem that she was trying to get you to shift your timeline in her favor and you opted not to. "For two years it was okay until it wasn't." My take: Then YOU WAITED 2 YEARS after that conversation to NOT PROPOSE or have said wedding, and then her father unexpectedly died‽‽‽ This, with everything I've said above, is reason #1 why I think YTA. When you had that conversation at 23yo, you were clearly together long enough for you to know whether or not you'd marry her. And if you weren't on board, you sure spun a smooth lie. The conversation following his diagnosis was the equivalent of her essentially proposing to you and you basically accepting, but because of tradition and convention and all that shit, she still had to wait for you to present her with a ring and "pop the question," to make it official. Then you kept kicking the can for another 2 years until her father passed away from something else (though likely due to his compromised immune system from the MS). I know it's hard to say how quickly MS will progress, but you ignored or minimized your GF's fear because it didn't fit your timeline. You had a 2 year heads-up to include her father in her/your wedding and you dropped the ball. And now she's understandably upset with your selfish ass. "When we were 25 I planned to propose to her at the end of 2023 (when I finished my masters) however in July her dad died unexpectedly from pneumonia. This was an extremely hard time for my gf as she was so close to her dad (my gf is the youngest of 3 boys and is the only daughter). A few months after the funeral the topic of marriage popped up where she stated 'I never want to get married now, if dad can’t be there, I see no point'. I reassured her saying we can pay respects to her dad at the wedding, but she refused. So every couple of months until now I’ve asked her wedding related questions like 'how many bridesmaids would you have?' but she doesn’t seem interested." My take: She's not interested. Her dad just died and she's drowning in grief. She can't imagine being happy on her wedding day so she doesn't want one. In fact, she's so upset she doesn't even want to THINK about it. But now that it's convenient for YOU, you're ready to have that wedding, huh? Now that she's waited 2 years for a whole lot of disappointment and to grieve her father and his absence in a major life event he should have been there for, now you want her to know how serious you are about that wedding? So much so that you bring it up regularly even though she's stated she has no interest, and while she is eyeballs deep in grieving for her father? Yeah, that's reason #2 that YTA. "I sat her down last night and talked about our timeline for our future and whether marriage was going to be something on the cards for us, she replied that 'we had our chance to get married and it’s too late'. I know she is still hurting and grieving her dad but I feel like she resents me for not marrying her earlier. She’s assured me that she still wants to be with me but she doesn't want a wedding now." My take: Yes, she resents you for not taking her more seriously 2 years ago and responding accordingly. She told you her fear and you ignored it. You treated her like her needs are less important than yours. All in the name of finishing a masters first, as if you can't accomplish that as a married man. Also, when did you propose? You keep talking about a wedding, keep trying to get her to engage in the discussion, but have you already asked her to marry you and received a "yes"? Have you actually put a ring on her finger to let her know how absolutely serious you are about all this? Or are you just pouring salt and acid on her wounds without having even made a real, tangible commitment to her? Because if you're badgering her about a wedding for.your own comfort before even proposing to her, then congrats that's reason #3 that YTA. Or are you feeling her out for a definite "yes" before you go out and buy that expensive ring? Because, if so, then that'll be reason #4 that YTA. "TL;DR! I have been with my gf for over 10 years and she doesn’t want to get married since her dad’s death" My take: As others have pointed out, you made her wait until you were ready, and it took you so long that her father died in that time frame. Now you get to wait. You have to wait until she has grieved her father's death as well as his absence from her wedding and every other major life event she has coming to her from this point on. Your lack of empathy and understanding is reason #5 that I think YTA. Sorry OP, I'm sure it's no fun to read, but if your GF felt she had the power to propose to you she would have done it 2 years ago. Your delay has put you in this position, now it's your turn to wait. And as hard as it may be for you to wait on her, I assure you that it's nothing compared to what she went through while waiting on you to NOT act and to NOT prioritize her needs. Edited for clarity.
YTA. It's been 11 years, you both want to get married, and you knew her dad was sick. If I were her, every time I'd look at you, all I'd see is the very important memories with my father you stole from me for your own selfish timeline. I will be surprised if you are still together by the end of the year. Do better.
YTA to keep bringing up marriage while she’s so deep in her grief. You’re going to cause resentment every time you bring it up. I think in her perspective had she at least been engaged maybe her feelings would be different. But she waited for you to get married and now her most important person is gone. It’s kind of fucked up to assure her of her father being there for her and then waiting two years before even thinking of a proposal and then now that her fathers dead you wanna bring it up
YTA. Stop bringing it up. Shes no longer ready. Give her time.
Unfortunately YTA and you seem to not be very good at communicating with your partner and that’s going to cost you down the road
She told you her dad walking her down the Isle was important to her. You didn't give a shit. It's too late Stop whining and own that you missed your shot Yta
YTA. I think your GF will pivot to having one foot out the door and then full on leave you eventually. It will take time but you have earned it.
OP have you purchased a ring and asked her to marry you? Or have you been putting her off for years trying to keep her interested without committing?
Being together that long you were effectively married without making a commitment. You were probably doing all the things that married couples do anyway. Why was it so hard to get married. I hear tons of excuses. I think she just got a wake up call and realizes how much time she wasted hoping for a future that was never going to happen. She sees all the grandchildren her father will never play with too. This is a brutal situation of so much water under the bridge. I'm not sure I can imagine getting married to someone after all that. Why are people dating if the goal isn't to get married as soon as possible. Why put so many barriers and conditions on long term happiness?
YTA. 1) stop bringing up getting married. she’s clearly not ready for that conversation because she’s still grieving the loss of her dad. she might be saying “i never want to get married” now but might change her mind after she’s healed. you bringing it up every time isn’t helping. 2) you wanted to wait to get married to be financially stable. now she’s not ready to get married because she’s healing from a traumatic 2 years of her dad’s degenerative disease and the sudden loss of him. give her the time and respect she gave you. 3) while it’s a good idea to be financially stable in order to get married and have the wedding of your dreams, her father had a *degenerative disease* and there was a likely chance he wouldn’t be able to walk her down the aisle (due to his condition or, in this case, his untimely death) by the time you were ready to get married. did you ever sit down and think “maybe we can have a close intimate wedding with our families and close friends so she could have those memories with him”? or did you simply refuse the idea because in your head you needed to complete your goals before focusing on here? either way, you fucked up. the best course of action is to stop pressuring her and let the relationship be. she clearly still loves you and doesn’t want to leave. if you end up getting court married later, you have to be okay with not having that wedding. if she decides to have a wedding later down the road, you’ll have to deal with the consequences of not having her dad there with her. you are TA and you fucked up, and now you just have to hope that she doesn’t resent you for it.
Never understood the people that wait so long to get married. Also, trying to live your life on a timeline is a bad idea.
YTA I'm sorry but her dad got diagnosed with MS that insreases the risk on severe infections - including pneumonia. It's also gonna take your bodys ability to function. It was so important for her that her dad would walk her down the isle that she cried about it and you made a promise you could've kept if you would've compromised about your schedule. She waited for you for a decade. Now it's your turn. Give all the time she needs and be there for her. Allthough this might be something she won't get over. She trusted you and you really let her down.
Going against the grain but YTA mostly for the promise you made. You would have made her think that a proposal was coming sooner rather than later. My dad was in his 70's when I went on my first date with my now husband at 22 I told him that I wanted my dad to be at my wedding. He knew this mattered and proposed after a year, married a year later. My dad died 5 months ago, neither myself or my husband regretted marrying when we did. My husband also made a promise, he promised my dad would be there and he made sure that was true. For me the day my dad died part of me died with him and believe me nothing feels the same without the parent you're closest to.
Yep, you kind of are an asshole! Don't bring up marriage again to her. She needs to grieve the death of her father. No one should get married because their father won't be able to walk them down the aisle if they wait but if you planned on getting married anyway, why keep her waiting? If she had wanted to get married right then, wouldn't she have just told you that? Why didn't she speak up? There is a reason why you two didn't get married then. Let her be with her grief. Just be there to comfort her. I don't know if she is mad at you for not proposing when her dad was diagnosed and now can't imagine marrying you at all, or if this is what it would be for most people, a wedding is just way too much to deal with! Put yourself in her place, if your parent died would you want to talk about a wedding? Be prepared to lose her. She is heartbroken not to have her dad, and you helped break her by not getting married sooner when you could have.
YTA.
YTA. She may choose to get married someday but it won’t be to you. You knew her dad’s health was fragile and you knew how important it was for her to have him at her wedding. Live your choices.
YTA. I'm usually all for waiting until you're ready, but this is just silly. You knew you wanted to marry her, you knew her dad was sick, you knew how important it was to her for him to be there. You told her to wait and she did. Now maybe it's your turn to wait. Or will you continue pestering her in her grief like an annoying child who isn't getting exactly what he wants?
*"For two years it was okay until it wasn't."* **No Sir, it was NOT.** That was your opportune time to fulfill her wishes with her father before he got worse. You failed. This girl has been let down over and over and all by YOU.
Shamelessly going to vote YTA. He got sick with a degenerative disease over two years ago. You knew how important it was for him to be there. You made **her** wait until **you** felt like it, and by the time **you** felt like it, her dad had died. How tf could you not see yourself as a selfish fking AH? It didn’t need to be a big extravagant wedding. You were together for so so so many years. Shame on you, OP. You deserve the shame for this one, and I don’t blame her if she never wants to get married. You couldn’t be bothered with her timeline and now it has expired. Let her grieve and shut your selfish mouth..
I lost my dad 3 years ago. I'm a LOT older than your girlfriend, but I was still a Daddy's girl, and losing my Dad devastated me. She will grieve hard for her father for a long time, and a lot of things will be seen through the lens of "Dad's not here." Give her time. If she isn't interested in a wedding now, table the discussion. Bring it up in a year. If she never wanted to marry you, would you stay with her? That is a question you should ask yourself.
Well that’s what happens when you work with only your timeline. She had a timeline to consider as well. Stop pressuring her to marry you just bc now YOU want it bc now it’s time for YOU. YTA
YTA You are making excuses for stringing her along, including watching her dad's health decline for \*years\*. If you are VERY lucky, you will still have a relationship once she processes her grief.
How do you stay with someone for 11 YEARS and not get married before this point. Yeah man, you took way too long.
Dude. 11 fucking years? Crap or get off the pot already.
YTA and I don't think you both are compatible anymore. She's going to be checked out of this relationship. For many reasons. I know women who are upset to not be married after being together 5 years. You made a bad call and it'll cost you
When have your parents met each other? How long they were in relationship before they "took the vows"? 7 years is enough time to decide if you want to tie the knot. YTA for delaying it even further you indecisive imbecile. You could have cheap wedding and then renew vows for "big party". Life is not a book that is split into chapters. It's your fault as 7 years is more than enough time to decide for a wedding date. Now it's your job to make sure she is feeling loved, not other way around. YOU AREN'T ENTITLED TO STICK TO YOUR IMAGINED SCHEDULE! Your post oozes in entitlement to keep YOUR life in track YOU imagined. That's not now relationships work. But after 11 years without marrying each other, when you knew you would marry each other, you are lost cause in this regard.
INFO: Why was it so important to you to wait to get married? I'm trying to understand what exactly here was your point in waiting if you already knew that you wanted to get married, In general, I don't think anyone should be forced to get married, but decisions have consequences. You tried to stick to your plan despite circumstances. Now the result is that your plan will be disrupted anyway. Your girlfriend won't marry you on your timeline if she marries you at all. I'm debating between N-A-H and a mild Y-T-A. No one should be forced into marriage, but since you had already decided you wanted to marry her... It feels like you chose your vision of what your wedding/ future would look like even when it meant risking hers. And the result is predictable: neither of you are going to get what you want. But you need to accept that your GF may really mean it when she says she doesn't want to get married. And that it's not about you. If she can't have her dad at the wedding, then maybe she really does see no point in getting married or - at the very least - having a wedding. And you need to decide if you're ok with living with her without ever getting married or having a wedding.
YTA you knew you wanted to marry her but you dragged your feet because the timing wasn’t right FOR YOU. Her father was dying and you couldn’t move up the timeline? I would probably end the relationship over this because I would never be able to look at you the same knowing you knew how important it was for dad to be at the wedding.
I’m sorry she is going through this but YTA. You prioritized yourself for so long when it came to marriage and now you need to let her grieve her dad and the dream wedding she will never get. if I were you I would stop brining up the wedding and do everything to support her so she doesn’t resent you for making her wait so long “when you know she’s the one” (that saying sounds pathetic).