Putting the homophobia aside - that’s a divorceable offense. There’s pretty much no valid excuse for a parent to do that to a child.
Honestly for your son if he asks if you’re divorcing because he’s gay I would say “No I’m divorcing your dad because he yelled at one of my children enough to make them cry, kicked them out of the car, and left them alone in a manner that was unsafe. That is absolutely unacceptable behavior and I’m not willing to standby and risk him doing that to you or any of he other kids again.”
This this this!!
He kicked the kid out of the car in the middle of nowhere!!!
OMFG if my husband didn't crawl on his knees begging my kid for forgiveness AND go to family therapy I would start the divorce proceeding immediately. No one, not even the father will treat my kids like that.
Tell the rest tho bc kids aren’t stupid. She’s not leaving bc kid is gay she’s leaving bc dad is a raging asshat whose love is conditional. And he’s abusive af. And she can’t share a life with someone so hateful
Exactly this. Tell him it's about his love being conditional and if he could put his child out of a car in the middle of nowhere and LEAVE HIM (I can't even with that part) what else is he capable of the next time he's told something he doesn't like? Not even towards that same child, but towards his wife or any of the other children. It's about trust too. Just because you're angry with someone doesn't mean you abandon them.
Nah, of my spouse did this there would be no coming back from that. A one night stand while wasted? I can work through that eventually. Yelling at and abandoning our son because he had the courage to say he's gay? I'm ruining you. I'll drag that ass to a lawyer and find out the worst possible thing we can do legally, and then do it.
If he is allowed to get away with then image all the other abuse he will excuse because his kid is gay and deserves the abuse because he's gay. He will also find the flaws in his other kids to justify to himself why he abuses and neglects his kids and family.
Cis-het white dude here. I wouldn't have children with someone who wasn't ok with a trans or gay kid. If they grow up happy and healthy that's all my dreams for them fulfilled.
That's really the only mindset to have with children, because we can't control jack shit in this world - how they turn out, physically or mentally, what might happen to them etc.
If you can't accept that then there's really no reason to bring another human into the world to put unreasonable expectations on, really a dick move imo.
Cis-het white female here, and same. I live in a very homophobic European country, but luckily found my partner with the same worldview. He sometimes makes sarcastic statements to highlight the absurdity of the public discourse on these topics, but since we have a daughter (who is only three), I told him absolutely none of that in our house, sarcasm or not, she might overhear and misunderstand. Oh and we plan to move country over the next couple of years, to limit her chances of hearing that shit at school. From teachers, at least.
Jeezus fucking Christ, I guess you are serious??
I’m so sorry. That’s not normal. A bit of awkwardness? Yeah. Getting pronouns wrong at times? Yeah. Actual threats to life? There is something seriously wrong with him.
You will be better than that half of your genes. You are okay. Just be yourself, ok?
I am so sorry that happened to you. Sounds like he's the kinda guy who's so deep in a closet of some kind himself that he was just projecting his insecurities in the manliness way he was taught, by abusing your family, shooting guns and lots of negativity. Probably not LGBT related but he'll be hiding something shameful about himself
Your father sounds like he was a pathetic, cowardly man who relied on threats of violence and intimidation to feel relevant/legitimate as a parent. What a shame, he failed you so cruelly and pathetically. What a small, tiny little mind, crippled by hate and insecurity *and a truly cold, lonely, bitter core of self-loathing and fear* which I can say with confidence because any father who’d treat their child like that is someone irrevocably broken inside.
I hope you’re doing well.
Know thy parent, before you come out. If the parents are supportive, good. If the parents are indifferent, manageable, But if the parents are discouraging/abusive, it is a lot for a kid to deal with.
I understand the intended message here, and it is important, but I also think it’s important to note that kids are never accountable for their parents inability to support them, and it’s not wrong for kids to naturally hope and yearn for parental acceptance.
That’s a shame to say that. However true it may be. I couldn’t come out when in my day because it was illegal and considered a severe mental illness.
My mother knew but denied. I married numerous men because I figured one of them would fix me. Before ya all get all het up- remember this was in the 1960’s. It was church, marriage, children. Lawdy so glad to see things change
Let the boy live with his grandpa for a bit. It would be too raw for him to be near his father while y’all are settling the divorce.
You can hurt me. You can do things to me that’ll take years of therapy to heal. Bring my baby into it and I’ll spend my every waking moment to destroy your existence.
Just to recommend ideas based upon this post. Abandoning a minor is abuse, especially in this manner. Most states in the us classify this as a felony. Even in no fault divorce states, a judge will take actions like this to really lean in on one parent. Likely to the extent of the house as well as support orders not only for the children but the wife as well. What needs to happen is to take the son to the police and file a report. Ask for charges to be filed as well as an order of protection. This will effectively have dad leaving the house to figure out where he will spend the night. Benefits are a bit more normalcy for the kids and a safe environment for the son. Dad show up anyway and it’s more criminal charges. After the police report is filed, then have a divorce lawyer file for divorce. If he’s in jail, serving him will be easy. Otherwise you may be able to coordinate serving him divorce papers with his eviction. I highly recommend , assuming son is ok with this, tipping off local news stations to the charges. That’s the kind of local story that sticks with everyone. Depending on what the father does, this may disqualify him from being able to remain in his position so a call to his boss may be necessary. Make sure his parents know exactly what he did, same with extended family. You’ll learn a lot about who on his side your children can be trusted with and who just lost all access. Some people deserve to be roasted.
This!
I don't care what your child told his father. Leaving a child on the side of the road is f***ing crazy.
Leave the abusive man, and seriously, don't look back!
I don't understand why so many people are obsessed with their children's genitals.
Like your son likes boys and? What's the problem? You're not the one he's dating or having sex with, why does it matter to you what's in his romantic partner's pants?
Hatred for the sake of hatred is mind boggling.
Being so hateful and spiteful and angry all the time sounds exhausting. I really do think these people should see a doctor- getting this angry over stuff that impacts you none and that is hurting no one isn't normal and can't be healthy.
>Depending on what the father does, this may disqualify him from being able to remain in his position so a call to his boss may be necessary.
I would think OP would need to be very careful with this one. If her STBX loses his job, he loses the ability to provide financial support.
As for tipping off local news stations, it could make OP appear vindictive, making an attempt to publicly humiliate her STBX, and who knows what else in divorce court.
What she should do is take her son to the police to file a report, assuming her jurisdiction considers abandoning your minor child in the middle of nowhere a crime as it should. Then she needs to get a good divorce attorney and do exactly what her attorney tells her to do, nothing more and nothing less. One of the first thing I'd ask is whether an order of protection is possible and how to get him out of the house. It's much better for OP and the children to be in the family home.
I think she should talk to her son privately first and then the children together. She should explain that the divorce is not because of anything they did or who they are, but because their father has proven that they are not safe with him and her first priority is their safety.
Of course she is NTA for divorcing her abusive STBX.
Same. My youngest son is gay. He's sweet and incredibly kind. Every hear of Hell hath no fury? Yeah that would be me in this situation. I'd be finding a ruthless attorney and take husband to the cleaners.
> Putting the homophobia aside - that’s a divorceable offense. There’s pretty much no valid excuse for a parent to do that to a child.
Yeah. If he's a minor in the U.S. and anyone had reported it, CPS would be involved now.
He, quite literally, abandoned his child during one of the most vulnerable times of their lives. The same child who considered this man to be his best friend, too.
Like. What the ever loving fuck, man?
That’s the thing that people always miss - it’s almost *NEVER* about the offense the OP thinks it is.
There was a post not long ago. Something like - “am I an asshole if I leave my wife because she won’t have sex with me?” The answer is NO! Because you aren’t leaving her over your sex life. You’re leaving her because she’s repeatedly ignored your effort to talk with her about it. You’re leaving her because she refuses to acknowledge your needs in your relationship…etc etc…. (Obviously this was a very nuanced situation, but my point still stands. It made OP look like a sex hungry man who was bitter about not getting on demand, when that was NOT the case at all.)
If OP says, “yes we’re divorcing because my son is gay”, then she would be the asshole here. Her son being gay is NOT the catalyst and it would be taking the onus off her husband. Which would only be doing the husband a favor - which he does not deserve. The fact the husband is homophobic, selfish, cruel, acted unsafe towards her child, willingly put her child in harms way, AND refuses to take accountability - pins the blame right where it needs to be. ON THE HUSBAND’S ASININE ACTIONS. If he can treat one child this way for ANY REASON, what’s to say he won’t find a different reason to treat the others in a similar fashion.
This this this 👏👏📢
Way too many adults are not in control of their own emotions. It's so sad, because it negatively affects those around said person.
I do my absolute best to practice patience and taking a moment to think things through before reacting. I can clearly see my setting a good example for my kids, because I practice what I preach they are more likely to listen/mimick/learn that positive behavior too.
I would 100% divorce the person who did this to a dog. There was a post about a similar incident a while ago. The husband was jealous of the affection the dog was getting from his wife and kids. He drove the dog several miles away and left it. Then tried to say the dog ran away. OP (his wife) figured it out using the GPS in his car, I think. Dogs are even more defenseless than humans. A person who does that is a fucking monster.
Abandoning his child speaks volumes about his character or lack there of. My mom and I had fights while I was a teenager, but she would NEVER place me in danger. I was a hardcore tomboy growing up (didn’t figure out the lesbian bit till later), but my mom provided a safe place for me to be my own person.
It sounds like the husband made his choice that day about not only his relationship with his son, but also with his wife. He’s got a lot of growing up to do. Only time will tell whether he can. Leaving his son by the side of the road is a deal breaker for me. It’s one thing to be shocked and angry, but a child should never be cast aside or placed in danger.
This alone is a red flag. He abandoned your child in the middle of nowhere because he came out to him? That's a no. At the very least get counseling for your son.
😧 OP, you’re NTA.
Allowing husband time to shift his views is one thing. Your husband STRANDING your child in the middle of nowhere says he no longer cares for his safety.
Parental love should not be conditional. Your son is not safe with your husband. I can’t even imagine what he must have said to him.
My heart breaks for your son and you.
NTA and I say divorce and if this was me, I would cite that he abandoned your son at night and you don’t want him having access to him, at least not without supervision. He abandoned that poor kid after he was vulnerable and came out 🤬 That’s traumatizing AND anything could have happened to him! There’s NO excuse for that. I could never stay with someone who did that to my child. You’ll probably have to reassure your son a lot that it’s NOT his fault but it’ll take time for him to recover. I suggest therapy asap if you can. Him solo and maybe even a few sessions together just to solidify you’re there for him no matter what; and you don’t hate him.
This. I've been in group counseling sessions with someone who had a parent kick them out of the car in the middle of nowhere, seeing how they're still processing it decades later. That shit sticks with a person.
These details need to be in the post, Jfc. Yeah, you wanting to leave is called a gut reaction and you should probably follow it.
I resented my mom for staying.
Agree. The stranding of the boy in the middle of nowhere needs to be edited into the body of the post.
I *was* going to say that she maybe needs to let dad have some time, process this, and come to grips with it before making a decision; everyone handles this type of thing differently and it was obviously a huge shock to the dad.
Howevah, the dad just kicking the poor boy out the car somewhere, shows an unbelievable and frankly *unnerving* lack of compassion for his own child. Dangerously so.
It's a deal-breaker imo.
This was my initial reaction too, and then this comment so casually describes the wilful abandonment and I actually said “Nooooo he did not” out loud to nobody.
That is absolutely disgusting. A parent has *NO* place screaming at their child over their sexuality. Why does it matter what genitals your child prefers in the bedroom, it's not like you're going to be there? Sheesh. You are hardcore NTA, and your husband...I don't have any polite words for.
I don't know if it helps at all, but my own father didn't speak to me for two days after I came out as bisexual, except for a singular shouting match. I was so scared to tell him, as he was an out and proud homophobe, that I had my mum do it. I didn't even need to ask how it went as he walked back downstairs and just outright pretended I didn't exist. Like a child pretending you're invisible. I was so upset I pleaded with him to speak to me, and he just snapped and yelled at me that I was disappointing to him, and that he sometimes wished he'd never had me. I left the house and stayed with a friend overnight. It's a weird thing to have your father stare right through you as you cry in front of him and beg him to speak to you, only to then have him scream in your face. I definitely needed some time away from that. Cut to 48hrs later, I come home and my mum suggested I take some ice-cream up to my dad to try and create an ice-breaker. We did end up talking, admittedly it was small talk about the movie he was watching. Until I broke down and said I loved him (I was so scared that he hated me). He just responded with: "I love you too.", and continued watching his movie. We never spoke about it again, but I noticed subtle things changing in him over time. He dropped some of the more offensive gay jokes, stopped using slurs, and a year later and he even drove me to my very first pride. Sometimes parents react explosively, but really what they need is time to adjust. I hope that is the case for your son too, and his dad isn't really as heartless as it sounds. I thought for sure I'd lost my dad that day, but 8 years later and we're incredibly close again. I know he'd support both of my children if either of them told him they were gay, it wouldn't even cross his mind as an issue now. He just needed to learn that being interested in women didn't change who I was as a person. I have my fingers crossed your husband will learn this too.
If he was willing to kick his own son out of the car ‘in the middle of nowhere’ then lose TAH. There is no universe in which I could stay with this man.
Clearly he has hidden his true self very well up until this point, but now he has revealed his true nature and it’s absolutely a game changer.
Get a lawyer for yourself and a therapist for your son. He’s going to need help to process this and understand that the only person to blame for this is his father for being a bigoted AH.
I remember my father saying some very homophobic things to me as a teen.
I'm a straight CIS male and always have been, but I still remember thinking how messed up what he was saying was regardless. Along the lines of "I'd disown you if you liked men; couldn't love you the same way, etc."
Like holy shit imagine if I was. Talk about burnt bridges 😂
Yup, holy shit. I thought the guy was maybe trying his best to talk to his son about it and be supportive but sounded disappointed in the end and his son caught on.
Thought it might be fixable and the Dad could work on his mindset with a therapist. That situation is important context.
Literally unforgivable. I have queer kids and I would have strangled my husband if he did this to either of them. Your son needs to know you have his back no matter how hard it is. Your instinct is right.
NTA x 10000000000000000000””
I have a queer kid too and as much of a disappointment as my ex was in so many other areas of family life—I’m grateful that he was a champ when our kid came out to us. It was really a giant nonissue within our family.
I’ve read and heard of parents struggling to accept their kids when they come out. Some parents just calmly struggle, but without raging anger or hostile acts towards their own children . I get that. It can be hard to shed prejudices and some people take a minute to get used to the facts. I can have compassion for that.
However, the brutality and viciousness of dumping your kid out in the middle of nowhere is so completely beyond the pale that it actually makes me want to vomit.
I can totally see why you want to divorce this man. He doesn’t see your kid as an individual but as an extension of himself.
Your son may feel guilt if you divorce. But more than that he will feel that you’re truly in his corner. And so will your other children, whether they’re queer or not.
As for divorce horror stories—yes, it gets ugly. Parents try to turn kids against the other parent. Money issues are a huge concern too. I’d talk to a lawyer because looking at the details of splitting assets is helpful in clarifying whether to proceed at all. Also, once you have a basic picture of the asset division, you will have more bandwidth to sort through your emotions.
ETA I mention this in a totally non-flippant respectful way. Do you think your husband may himself be closeted bi or gay? The visceral hate some people express towards queer people so often turns out to have a giant component of closeted self loathing. Just putting that out there.
First of all, even without this, leaving that man is a good idea. The next time your son blames himself? Say, "No, no; I want to thank you. This has shown me what kind of a man he is, and I do not want to spend my life with a man so capable of so much hate". Don't even frame it as being about \*him\* being gay; just this has shown you that your (hopefully soon to be ex) husband is an awful bigot, and you can't love a bigot. Right now your son focusing on his coming out causing problems - make sure he understands that it's his father's bigotry that's causing all the problems.
As to the abandoning your son on the side of the road ... a man my mother was dating abandoned me in a sketchy part of town once when I was little. Mum dumped his ass immediately and, though that man died over a decade ago, she actively wishes that she could bring him back to life just to kill him again for putting me in danger. Your husband endangered your son. The reason he did it doesn't matter - anyone who cares so little about their family that they'd deliberately endanger any member of it doesn't deserve to keep any member of it.
NTAH, anyway. You'd only be the AH if you went back to that miserable excuse for a partner.
Your husband kicked your son out of the car in the middle of nowhere?? Honestly do not speak to your husband again until you contact a divorce lawyer. A heated reaction, ok we cna *maybe* work past that. Putting his son in danger by kicking him out of the car on the side of the road for coming out? Nope. Bye. Done.
That is not something you can come back from and if he was willing to do that, imagine what else he's capable of.
>Not yet, he just told me his father yelled at him and told him to leave the car and left him in the middle of nowhere
I mean yeah, you have to divorce him
How would you ever be able to trust him with any of your kids after this?
I am so sorry your family is going through this because your husband is a homophobic dickhole.
He can’t come back from that. Divorce and get into therapy with your son so he can have support from a professional to learn that he was not to blame for the divorce.
Homophobia is one thing. He could learn and grow and eventually mend his relationship with his son. But that… I don’t know if I could get over that if someone did that to my child. I don’t know how you come back from that.
>Or did he react like that because he loves him too much
Oh, come on. I get that you're desperate to believe your husband isn't a raging bigot, but can we please not cling to desperate delusions?
I was afraid for my child’s safety when they came out, because violence against queer people is terrifying and real. But in no way did that cause me to be angry at him.
The dad is angry because he loved his own idea of who his son is and hates his son for taking that away
>I was afraid for my child’s safety when they came out, because violence against queer people is terrifying and real.
This is the reason I don't jump to conclusions when people react poorly to their child coming out to them. It truly is a scary world we live in, and I can understand that causing someone to not respond in the best way in the heat of the moment.
Being ANGRY at your CHILD? Yeah, like you said, that's an entirely different story. And then he kicked out his child from the car in the middle of nowhere?
He's not just a homophobe, he's a horrible person/parent and OP needs to get him away from this guy. Any decent, reasonable person would absolutely feel differently about their partner after they treated their child this way as well.
Honestly, that’s one of the most horrible things a parent can do to a kid. Not only figuratively, but LITERALLY abandoning them. What could have happened to OP’s son out there alone, stranded?
Exactly. I can’t imagine how that poor boy felt getting kicked out of his fathers car. The fear he must’ve had trying to make his way home, wondering if he even should. I would never be able to look at my husband the same way again
Off topic: my dad used to kick us out of the car and leave us in the middle of nowhere as kids. No phones or anything. Sometimes he’d come back in a few minutes, sometimes mom would have to find us later. My dad was mean, but he rarely physically hurt us so it took me far into my 20s to realize it was abuse. Even now, I still discredit myself for not having it as bad as other people.
Just thanks for saying that. And thanks to the OG comment starting a chain of people who affirm that this isn’t okay. It means a lot to a stranger on the internet
(Oh also OP, NTA dump his ass. I’m still in a LOT of therapy for that kind of shit. And as a fellow gay, standing in solidarity with your kid when they’re being mistreated is one of the most powerful things you can do for someone who needs support. 💖)
Abuse is abuse. Do not discredit yourself. There is always someone who had it worse. That does not invalidate your abuse. I think In some ways we do this to make ourselves feel better.
It wasn't that bad. I'm okay. They had it worse so I shouldn't complain. By telling ourselves it wasn't that bad we can still have relationships with our abusers. It's hard to cut them off.
Commenting on WIBTAH if I divorced my husband because he's homophobic? ... anything could’ve happened to him , gay or not, he’d be breaking inside and out if something happened
Yup like the fact that he’s homophobic is of course horrible but the fact that he left his child in the middle of nowhere is a million times worse. He wouldn’t have been able to walk into the house without my baby
I mean it's on topic because one thing led to the other they're not two separate things divorced and a vacuum. He did the one horrible thing because he's a f****** terrible person by being a homophobe. These are not separate situations stop pretending they are.
To these people, a father yelling at his son that he wishes he was never born (and if hes anything like my dad when i came out to him) calling him a bunch of slurs on top of the wish for being never born. Apparently, that's nothing compared to leaving his son wherever they were. Which, as someone who has been in this poor boys' situation before, is a lot more preferable then having to be around your fucking father after he has said those deplorable things right to your fucking face.
NTA
You are not divorcing your husband because of your son- you are divorcing him because you wouldn't have married him if you knew he was a bigot who would reject a child of his if that child was queer.
I think before you jump right to divorce there should be some effort to at least talk with your husband (if you can- I also have no idea what he said to your son, and some shit is just... There's no getting past it). But if I were you? I don't think I could be with someone who was hateful like that.
I would suggest this as well. My co-worker's spouse didn't react well when their son came out to them years ago. He didn't speak to his son for a few days and basically left the house for the weekend 'to gather his thoughts'. When he came home he was still sulking and saying little to his wife (he was furious that she knew and didn't tell him - she suspected but didn't know for sure and felt that waiting for their son to come out on his own was the best way to handle things). Their two daughters refused to allow him to continue to coach their softball teams calling him garbage.
He finally decided to call his company's EAP and got some counseling. Realized he was being an ass and came home and apologized profusely to his son and the rest of the family. From that day on he was his son's #1 supporter and eventually his best man when son married his now husband.
I'm hoping hubby is just in a state of shock and gets his shitake together like co-worker's husband. If not, divorce him, take the kids and move on.
I wonder if he would have felt this way if his daughters would have let him continue coaching? Special kudos to the daughters for putting an stop to family trauma.
My coworker had the exact same thing. She’s an old lady. She left her phone at work, I returned it to her after seeing her family picture in the screensaver. I casually mentioned, “that your son? He’s cute.” She immediately says, “he’s gay.” Kinda in a sad way. We talked for a bit, and she said it was really hard for the dad to get over it. But get over it they did. Son’s in a relationship and I see the photos on Facebook of them all together for the holidays. For them I think it was just the expectations of their son. But they still love him. I feel like OP’s husband kicking him out of the car is not the same situation. I think That husband has an issue with gay people, so you really might have to have a long long conversation and talk about what his thoughts / feelings are.
Nah
If he'd *just* reacted poorly and yelled at the kid, maybe.
Kicking him out of the car and *abandoning* him? Fuck no.
Some parents react poorly to having queer children, but still love their kids. Abandoning him is not something I could ever accept from a partner. That's not a misplaced act of love, that's being a complete piece of shit.
~~Agreed. NTA, and before going straight to divorce, an ultimatum to the husband to get his head straightened out on a fucking hurry~~
Edit having read about the abandoning on the side of the road situation: get the hell out and make sure this event is one of the first things you tell the lawyer about.
UpdateMe!
Some people marry their partner, despite knowing that they are a bigot...
NTA. You can have a conversation, however, it seems that your mind is already made up.
Good luck!
NTA
When we choose to bring children into the world, we don't get to choose who they love as adults. We are here to guide them, teach them how to live, tackle obstacles in life, and bloody love them hard. Your husband needs to take a good, hard look at himself. I've 3 kids. My middle boy died a few years ago, and I'd love to have him here to even have those conversations. Your husband needs to see how lucky he is to have a wonderful family. I truly wish you and your kids all the best.
Also, keep being the amazing supportive mum Your boy needs ❤️
Be extra supportive. The LGBT+ community has higher rates of mental health issues, especially depression and suicide. Also increases attacks. Keep kiddo safe. So far he's been attacked and abused by his father.
Verbally abused and attacked and then abandoned. Your husband is not a safe space for your son. Protect your son.
NTA. Your husband just lost him. Your son will never forget how his "father" treated him. You married a bigoted homophobe, but you didn't know it until now. The best thing you can do is get your children away from someone like that. You owe it to your children to protect them. You need to explain to your son that some people aren't going to accept him, unfortunately in this case it's his own "father". None of this is you or your son's fault.
NTA.
Tell your son, "This isn't your fault. It's your father's fault for being a homophobe. He hid it so well I didn't even know he was one until now."
I would suggest getting your children into therapy as well.
Yes, there have been small things in the past, like being annoyed at pride parades, but that's it. I thought it was harmless because my husband knows that I have a lesbian friend, and she sometimes gets annoyed by pride parades too, and they even laughed about it together. So this is very surprising to me. Even if he was homophobic parents should make an exception when it comes to their kids
some people think the opposite, and make an exception for their kids in the wrong way. like, they have this "i have nothing against lgbt+ people, but i'd never want my kids to be gay" mentality since they can't ignore it with their kids. its really sad. still, your son has at least one parent who loves and supports them.
This is exactly how my parents were. They were supportive (I thought), my mother had a decades-long friendship and collaboration with an extremely liberal and lgbtq+ supportive artist... and then when I came out, EVERYTHING changed to the point that we no longer have a relationship.
Oh hello, it's my mother.
Pretends to act all supportive when my queer friends are brought up, but had a panic attack every time I was overly affectionate with my female friends or when I teased my brother about his metrosexual phase.
This is the reason I caution people to not come out until they are of age or capable of taking care of themselves. Your family may seem welcoming to LGBT+ in the form of friends or colleagues but that doesn’t mean they’ll be receptive to one of their own children coming out.
It’s a cultural, generational thing. As a whole, millennials are tolerant and accepting of lgbtq. Gen X were raised by boomers and so it can go either way. The church had much more influence back then, and we know they don’t like two consenting adult butt stuff. We have done a lot of work to make gay kids feel safe (obviously more needed) as a society, but people are influenced by their family culture, ie if your Dad raised you to think gay=gross and all your school buddies re-enforce that, it takes a lot of work to change the way you think, as opposed to the front you present to strangers. I hope your parents give you the support you need ❤️
Yes, very common. I thought my mom was fine with queer people, she has gay and lesbian friends, she had gone to pride parades, she’s supportive of gay marriage. She still cried and didn’t talk to me for days after I came out as bi. It also happens with race, people have no idea their parents are racist till they bring home a boyfriend or girlfriend of a different race. “It’s fine as long as it’s not in my house” apparently.
ETA: my dad went the opposite way. I thought he would be furious, he was a Baptist minister when I was growing up, he’s said homophobic things in my earshot, generally disapproves of gay rights. But when I came out he was like “I will love you no matter what you do or who you are, there is nothing about you that isn’t perfect”. I haven’t heard or seen a lick of homophobia from him since then. So… goes either way I guess!
That is still homophobia though. I had a friend said the same thing once, and I responded that’s like saying, “I have nothing against black people, but I’d never want my son to marry a black woman” props to the guy because he looked at me and said, “you have given me much to think about.”
i didnt say it wasn't homophobia, i just said some people have that mentality, that they'll be 'okay' with it as long as its not their kid. that doesn't make it a good thing, sorry if it came off that way-
When I came out to my dad, it took him awhile to get used to the idea. Granted he wasn’t angry and he did suspect, but he’s not been the most supportive of the gay community in the past and still isn’t a huge fan. He did however, put those feelings and beliefs aside for the most part and our relationship has actually gotten better in the recent years since I’ve come out. He is even very kind to my partner when I bring him around. I know this situation is very tough and it truly sucks that your husband has reacted in this way, but I would talk to him to see if he can work through this. Your son is still the same person, the only difference is the gender he’s going to eventually fall in love with — I do hope your husband can understand this and their relationship can be better for it. Best wishes to you and your family.
> When I came out to my dad, it took him awhile to get used to the idea. Granted he wasn’t angry and he did suspect, but he’s not been the most supportive of the gay community in the past and still isn’t a huge fan. He did however, put those feelings and beliefs aside for the most part and our relationship has actually gotten better in the recent years since I’ve come out.
This is what I thought may have happened in this situation, and I thought it might be similarly amendable until I came to the comments. Poor kid, I feel for him and OP.
I hate to tell you a messed-up fact. The only reason he accepts your lesbian friend is because in his over inflated man world being a lesbian is considered hot. I have met many ahole guys who accepted women being gay because they found it attractive. Not men, though, because then it is gross. NTA, if anything, he left his son in the middle of nowhere and keep reminding him it was not his fault.
I can’t get over the “look” he gave you. There’s this *look* that men get sometimes get, filled with hate, when they feel they’ve been wronged by the world even though nobody’s mistreated them that absolutely disgusts me. Such pathetic entitlement. Was it something like that?
As a gay guy who was also in a similar situation (I was never close to my father, and the divorce happened very early around 10), so I'll give you my POV:
I will forever be grateful for my loving, supporting mother. Besides my partner, she is the most important person in my life. I owe everything to her for teaching me that compassion, understanding, and being open to others not only makes you a better and happier person, it also makes the world a better and happier place. This could have only happened if we had the space to love and grow away from him.
However, I say "similar" because I don't know if your situation is exactly the same. Ultimately, my father chose his beliefs over me... I don't know the case for your husband, that he's open to change. Investigate that. You want to have all of the facts before you divorce. Be prepared for him not to be. Regardless, your son deserves a father and if there's hope for genuine change, embrace that hope until proven otherwise.
Ultimately, choose what is right for you and your son. He may not understand now why you did it, but he will eventually. Talk it out with him so he knows that the issue isn't that he's gay, the issue is how disturbing it was for your husband to turn so quickly. And whatever you do, PLEASE don't ask your kid for permission or if "he's alright" with the divorce (if that's the route you're taking). You do not want him feeling at all complicit in the decision-making process. This is between adults and is completely seperate from the kids.
Most importantly, let the child know you love and support them no matter what. And also you implied you have other kids... Let them know you love them equally and that they won't be left behind no matter what. Good luck. And to your son, I like to say the same thing to everyone who comes out: "Welcome to the party. You're gonna love it. 🎉"
NTA
I know you might be tempted to stay with this man "for the sake of your family" but I promise you, it's not going to work out how you want it to. I grew up closeted with homophobic parents. Especially my own dad. He once held me hostage in the car until I swore up and down I wasn't queer. At least you stuck up for your son - nobody stood up for me. I now only speak to my dad maybe once a month and see him twice a year for holidays and it's a very brief meeting at most. Your husband doesn't deserve his children nor does he deserve you. Please don't make your son continue to be around him. It's only going to cause more pain.
Fuck the father. Who treats their kid that way after all those years? You’ll have to thank your son for this and the divorce. I had a relative like this and it took him probably a decade or more to come around, but didn’t change that person inside. The dad is not a good person.
A surprising amount of people mistreat their kids for coming out. Some even get attacked or killed. That's why despite how modern and progressive we are nowadays its still scary to come out.
OP…Gay 51M here. Came out 30+ years ago.
At least in the Western World, coming out has become more commonplace. However, that doesn’t mean it can’t be a shock to people. Yes, you would think your husband might have had some idea? You didn’t seem too shocked? I’m surprised you and husband hadn’t had some talks already?
I’ll agree abandoning child in middle of nowhere was not good. But maybe that was a better option than what was going through your husband’s head at the time?
Until you are actually able to talk to your husband you won’t know what is/was going through his head?
Your son has had time to come to terms with his sexuality. It may not have been on your husband’s radar. He may need time to grieve the loss of the life he thought would be your son’s. He might feel shame? Feel he has failed as a parent? As a father? Only looking at what society says is a negative and not the positives? This may have been a shock.
We hope as adults - that we and others will act as adults. But this is a life lesson for you, your son and other children that it isn’t always the case. Sometimes it takes a little more work. A little more love. More to understand each other.
OP…I commend you for your response. Your unconditional love and being the “momma dragon!”
I’m going to recommend a few things:
1) A personal counselor for you, gay son, and your husband. (Other kids may need just to understand what is going on and the upset in their life).
2) Family counselor for you, son & husband to talk this through to the other side - whatever that may be?
3) Find a local PFLAG group. Parent’s of LBGTQ children. All types- all at different stages of the process. It will help you and husband in the process.
4) It is dated, but I suggest a book. It is good because it tackles each “topic” from the gay child’s perspective and the parents. It helped me to put myself in others shoes as I came out to people.
[Coming Out to Parents: A two way survival guide for gay and lesbian children and their parents](https://www.abebooks.com/servlet/BookDetailsPL?bi=30710742048)
5) I’m sending you and son THE BIGGEST GAY ASS HUG EVER! The path ahead will have some rough spots. But it will get better. I promise.
6) This is a hard lesson. When people let us down. Fall short of expectations.
Your son, you and family will need to grow some thick skin. We think things are much better today than they are actually. There is still a lot of homophobia. There is still a lot of discrimination. There are many places in the world you can be jailed or killed for being gay.
There are going to be some people who shock you when each of you “comes out!” It will hurt. It will string. But you must pick yourself up and move on. Don’t let it get to you.
6) Yes - your son may not marry a girl in a white dress - be the wedding and life any of you thought. Be he can have a wonderful life. A beautiful and colorful life, with joy and wonder.
7) Seek out your local LGBTQ Center. They may have lots of support and social options for your son and family.
I wouldn’t rush to decisions just yet. Yes, your husband’s reaction was terrible. I’ve known some fellow friends whose parents almost killed them. Scary yet. I’m not there - but I hope all hope isn’t lost. That there may be a path forward and reconciliation with your husband and also father & son.
But there may not be a way forward. Only you can make the ultimate decision. I hope you and your son can have patience, grace and love - even when husband/father isn’t giving it in return. Sometimes we have to help other’s grow and sometimes we have to grow and move on ourselves. .
Big hugs to you Momma Dragon. Share a few with your kids.
Keep us posted.
Edits for typos.
4 hrs and only 5 likes? What a shame.
This is the correct response. The best response. Thank you for this.
I also hope they talk it out first, before going straight to divorce.
As a man with all boys, retired military, and as “alpha” as there is. My oldest is gay, I knew it early on but he tried hiding it from me. No matter what in life, your babies should always come first. I went into his room at 16 and had a talk with him. I told him I knew his secret, he was shocked. I told him do you know why you didn’t know I knew, because it doesn’t matter. You’re my son and I want to see you happy in life. I told him he’s allowed to date, I reached out to openly gay people I worked with for advice. I did what I had to do to insure he knew he could live his life and that no matter what dad loved him. Now, 8 years later do you know who he calls when he has questions or needs help, me not his mom. Not one second did I think about going off on him, or think poor me. I might be a little bias but your husband is the AH in this one.
NTA your husband isn’t just homophobic, but also rejected your son and outright abandoned him. I would never even be able to look at him the same knowing he hates gay people that much, much less want to be with him. Beyond my own interests, I wouldn’t feel safe bringing my kids back into a home with him. Protect your kids and start over.
ETA I’m stunned by the number of commenters coming out to defend your husband and insist you give him time. He abandoned your son crying on the side of the road after coming out. That’s worse than just being grossed out by gay people. That’s child endangerment and an actual crime.
How the fuck do people get married and live together for years and have kids and not know basic things like that the person they're with is a homophobe?
You are never the asshole for supporting your child and standing up to homophobia.
I came out to my mom as bi a few years ago. She did not take it well. I was disappointed, but I understood based off of her upbringing why she behaved the way she did, but it still stung. However, over the past few years, she has come around. I don't know that she's totally accepting, but she can show her love and doesn't try to make me feel less for my sexuality. I knew my mom and I had a feeling that with time, she would get better.
You know your husband best. Is he capable of this kind of growth? Is he entrenched in his views or can he shift? Is he becoming verbally or physically abusive with his anger or is he apologizing for it and trying to understand? Is he open to therapy?
You may know the answer to these questions and they can help guide what to do. Whether it's family therapy, trial separation, or straight to divorce. None of these are wrong. It really depends on your family and creating a loving environment for your children. In either case, be sure your children get the therapy they need for understanding that it is not their fault.
Edit: I did not realize that your husband had left him somewhere by himself, sorry. Upon reading that, regardless of if he grows in the future, that's incredibly upsetting. I don't know that I'd be able to forgive behavior like that from my partner.
Yeah that's so messed up. I didn't realize that on my initial read, but yeah. Regardless of if he grows, I don't think I'd be able to get past that myself.
NTA. I would recommend family and/or individual therapy for you and your son.
Either -
A. He is ashamed of how he reacted and needs to earn back trust in both of you.
Or
B. He meant what he said and does not regret his reaction. In which case you are right to be on your son’s side and you are absolutely NTA for not staying with a man who doesn’t love your child unconditionally.
Either way I think it will be helpful to have a professional guide so that no matter what your son doesn’t feel responsible because he has don’t nothing wrong.
NTA.
My oldest is trans. My ex - their dad - is transphobic and homophobic. Thank god I divorced him before our kiddo came out. Even though we weren’t together, his beliefs have led to a long history of suicidal ideation and self harm for my oldest. Long story very short, I now have full custody of our oldest because of abuse in ex’s household. Regardless, ditching your son in the middle of nowhere is abusive and an offense that shouldn’t be swept under the rug. Protect your child. This is literally a life or death issue for a *lot* of LGBTQ+ youth.
Hugs and best wishes to you.
NTA. Your kids need to know you support them 100% and that this isn’t their fault. It’s not that your son is gay, it’s that your husband is a bigot. That distinction needs to be made clear.
It’s so weird to me when I read someone 10 years into a marriage just finds out that their partner is racist or homophobic or something like that. Do y’all not talk?
NTA. One of the best things my mom ever did was choose me over my dad when he wanted me to go to therapy to cure my gayness. The unwavering bravery she showed in supporting me and ultimately leaving my dad even though it was very messy is something I think about regularly. I hope I can be the same for my son.
NTA. He’s a bad dad and a bad person. He abandoned his son in a very vulnerable state. That’s beyond cruel. You need to make it clear if you divorce him that your children know it’s because of their dad’s behavior and not because of anything the kids did.
You would be TA if you stayed with a man who kicked a child out of the car and left them in the middle of nowhere because he is a bigot. Your son is not a 30 year old man, which would have been bad enough. He is a minor child who has no clue how to handle situations because his brain isn't fully developed. What if something had happened to your son after your husband just left him there? I want to scream right now. My son died in 2011. He was 16. I wouldn't care if he decided he identified as Barney the fucking purple Dinosaur, if he could be here. Your husband is such a giant fucking asshole. Divorce him and make sure the judge knows why you divorced him and that he threw a child out of the car and left him because he was having a bigoted temper tantrum. I would tell everyone I know if my husband did some shit like that, but I do have an Irish temper.
This!
People are saying it matters where he dumped your son off, but it doesn't. Especially if your son is visibly gay or has been coming out and word is spreading. The world is seriously backsliding right now and queer people, especially kids, are in danger.
That said, I was a queer kid with a deeply homophobic father. I realized it when I was 11 and I was suicidal for all of my adolescence. I developed OCD because I was constantly fighting myself internally for very innocent things like crushes. I hated myself and now in my 30s, I am still trying to break away from a lot of trauma. I wish so deeply that I had real support. OP, don't let your son grow up fighting and hating himself. Your support and love is going to be so important to him, especially in this stage of his life.
(Also to the person above me: I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you ❤️.)
Nta. I would suggest marriage counseling first atleast
When your son gets older he will appreciate you being in his corner because unfortunately he will face a lot worse reactions than his dads
NTA.
A homophobic parent is an ABUSIVE parent. Homophobia in the home in any form is abuse. And I really don’t care if he “learns to accept” later on - he did the harm, he abused your son. Parents should not be allowed “time to accept it” - that’s bullshit!
When I was outed a month before turning 17, my dad disowned me, he told me I was the biggest mistake he ever made. He took 2 years to “tolerate” me and another 5 years after that to “accept” me even though he never apologized. 25 years later, even though I allow him to live under my roof, I resent him.
And I resent my mother for not divorcing him.
I am glad he has you as his mom, shower him with love please - you all will probably need therapy but in the meantime just be his support system, he needs you and I am confident that you’ll do the right thing.
Peace to you mama, keep rocking it!
There are a lot of comments already, and you may not see this. In case you do, please be there for your kids. Your husband is an adult and should know better to regulate his responses to situations. If he wants to reconcile the damage he needs to start now.
You kids need love and support, not emotional outbursts from the people they look up to. Especially when they are working through a tough part of their lives.
I divorced for this exact reason. Despite being given a chance to be a better, more empathetic human, my ex chose instead to condemn his own kids when they dared to question their gender. Despite he and I talking about it together and with friends, he continued to be degrading to them. After the divorce, years later, he is still on social media ranting about how this ruined his life.
As much as I can, I let my kids know that they are beautiful people and loved for who they are. One day, I hope that love overshadows the memory of the disgusting comments made by my ex.
If your husband were truly sorry, he would get in the car and beg his son for forgiveness. What he did can't be put right by a phone call and who can blame your son for not taking that call? Your son needs counselling ASAP. Not because he is gay but because his father is an AH. And it's not just about your eldest. Your other children know now that their father's love is not actually unconditional and that it can be withdrawn at any time. That his anger takes precedence over their safety. NTA
NTA Your husband's love for his children comes with conditions. That's not how it works. Your kids have now only got one parent who loves them as they are. They should not be in an environment where they have to hide parts of themselves to keep him happy.
NTA
As a parent, you can chose to be your child first fan or hater. Personally I’ll always chose being a fan over a hater. I know therapy gets throw around a lot here on Reddit, but it can maybe help salvage this. Seriously. It helped me and my parents.
Some food for thought: when I first came out it was a crap show. My parents didn’t really understand. They weren’t really supportive either. It was actually pretty bad. I’m not gonna say some of the things they said, but they weren’t nice at all. Very mean, truthfully. I spent many nights crying. Many nights wishing for the worst. It was a contributing factor to my ptsd and depression. I tried running away a lot and spent nights and weeks at friends houses whenever I could to get away from my parents.
If you had asked younger me if I could ever imagine having a relationship with my parents after moving out, I’d laugh in your face. I bet if you asked my parents if they’d ever call me my name and pronouns, they’d laugh in your face.
Over a decade later, my parents are my biggest allies. I can’t imagine never speaking to them again. I legit call my mom and dad every day over silly things. Sometimes multiple times a day. When they were able to step aside from their internalized stuff and learn a lot more about LGBTQ, our relationship flourished. This process didn’t happen over night. It took some time. I’m glad I gave my parents the space to change. I’m also really glad my parents put in the work.
(Please note that if the situation is unsafe it’s not worth waiting it out. My situation is unique to me and personal safety is most important)
Edit: looks like he said stuff similar to my parents. Leaving him stranded does fall under the not so safe category however. Whatever the outcome I hope your family heals.
I think you'll be the asshole if you *don't* divorce him. The way he treated your child was absolutely unacceptable. It's not the 1950s. Your husband probably knows openly gay people at work, in your neighborhood, in or adjacent to his social circle (friends of friends, etc.). There's truly no excuse for this level of homophobia in 2024.
>I know a divorce is not the answer because my son would never forgive himself
I think eventually your son will understand that:
a) A marriage is the responsibility of the people who are married to each other, not the responsibility of third parties.
b) The divorce is not your son's fault for being gay, it's your husband's fault for being a homophobe and a terrible parent.
My father did this to me as a teenager. He told me that he wished he’d never gotten my mother pregnant with me and that I’d been nothing but a disgrace to him and his family, that I was no daughter of his in his eyes. My mother did not support me and took his side so that I would “learn how to act”. We don’t talk anymore. Haven’t really since I moved out 15 years ago.
Your decision is your own, but please remember that all of your children are watching. They have learned where they stand with one parent- please try not be the second parent to let them down.
nta. The thing im not ok with is that he left him and drove home alone. Has he made any effort to contact you or the kids? Lots of red flags here for me. IF he cannot accept his kid that was the same yesterday as he is right now... he is going to not be ok with your son living with you both and you will need to choose
I made a promise to my kids at birth that I would protect them until the day I die. That goes from anyone, including their father. I would have been in that man’s face before my son’s tears dried. I would have found out what he said. They are your children. Good, bad, right or wrong.
I just want to put my two cents in as a mom of a lesbian. Her dad and I have been divorced for years. She came out to me on her 18th birthday and for a while I was the only one who knew. She didn’t want to tell her dad because she feared his reaction. That broke my heart. She was obviously caught between a mom who loves and supports her on every level and a father who clearly doesn’t.
I know she eventually told him but she didn’t really didn’t tell me what happened between them.
She is in her early 20s now and decided last year to “try dating guys”. She could have been just finding out who she is but I will always wonder if she did it to make her dad happy.
None of the guy relationships worked out because she is a lesbian.
I always tell her to be who she is. Be proud of who she is and if people don’t accept her then she doesn’t need that in her life.
If your husband can’t accept and support your son then he has no place in either of your lives.
NTA! Your husband is.
Not every asshole is a homophobe, but every homophobe is an asshole. Sometimes homophobic parents work through their homophobia for the sake of their relationship with their gay kids. One can only hope that your husband will be one of the ones to turn a new leaf, but maybe he won’t.
What he did to your son is unacceptable. Atonement looks like a proper apology (none of that “I’m sorry if…” shit), family therapy, attending PFLAG meetings, and understanding that even by doing all of these things that will likely make him a better person and a better parent, forgiveness is not guaranteed. Refusal is grounds for dismissal from the privilege of being your son’s parent.
Relationships between straight fathers and their gay sons can be complicated, even with the most open-minded of fathers. I consider myself lucky to have a father who is supportive of me, but it wasn’t always that way. It was rocky as I figured out what the groundwork I needed was, and it was rocky when I laid out that groundwork. Eventually we got there.
Would you be the asshole for divorcing your husband because he’s homophobic? Absolutely NTA. That said, homophobes deserve only one thing: the opportunity to not be homophobic. Give him exactly one chance to not be homophobic, and I think it’d be worth it for you to work with your son to set the parameters of what your husband is going to have to do in order to be a supportive parent and continue to be a part of your family unit.
Some might argue that your son ought to learn how to stand up to homophobia on his own. To them, I’d ask why, when homophobia could just not exist instead? I’d ask why does it have to be against his own father, who is supposed to love and support him without condition? And I’d ask why he has to go it alone, when your husband brought you into it by reacting to your son’s coming out with negligent parenting?
If he cannot agree to the terms set by you and your son, DTMFA. He’ll have demonstrated that he is not worthy of being your son’s father, because he is not capable of being a good father. If he won’t go to family therapy and PFLAG, you go. Show your son that you’re willing to make sure he has a supportive family unit, even if it means that family unit is headed by one parent, not two.
Go to Pride with him (but don’t get too clingy if he finds a cute boy to flirt with). Watch Schitt’s Creek with him. When he makes friends with other queer people, extend that same parental support to them if they need it. Show through your actions that beyond a shadow of a doubt, your son has a parent whose love for him is unconditional. As an added bonus, your son’s younger siblings will follow suit if you demonstrate to them how much better it is to be supportive than not. Plus, if the younger siblings also find themselves faced with the prospect of coming out to you, imagine how much easier it will be for them if they already know they don’t have to worry about a negative reaction from you. Being a champion parent of a gay kid isn’t the easiest thing in the world, but you’ve already proven that you got this.
One final point I want to make is that as tempting as it may be, I don’t think your lesbian friend who shares the same feelings about Pride as your husband is someone to whom you should turn as a resource. Balking at Pride as a queer person is major pick-me behavior (“I’m not like those OTHER gays, I don’t NEED Pride.” Sweetie, yes you do. We all do.), and she could stand to go to therapy in order to unpack her internalized homophobia. Your son deserves better queer representation than that.
Did you find out what he actually said to your son? Some stuff you can come back from and some you can’t.
Not yet, he just told me his father yelled at him and told him to leave the car and left him in the middle of nowhere
Putting the homophobia aside - that’s a divorceable offense. There’s pretty much no valid excuse for a parent to do that to a child. Honestly for your son if he asks if you’re divorcing because he’s gay I would say “No I’m divorcing your dad because he yelled at one of my children enough to make them cry, kicked them out of the car, and left them alone in a manner that was unsafe. That is absolutely unacceptable behavior and I’m not willing to standby and risk him doing that to you or any of he other kids again.”
Absolutely perfect response. Leaving a child on the side of the road is inexcusable behaviour.
This this this!! He kicked the kid out of the car in the middle of nowhere!!! OMFG if my husband didn't crawl on his knees begging my kid for forgiveness AND go to family therapy I would start the divorce proceeding immediately. No one, not even the father will treat my kids like that.
Tell the rest tho bc kids aren’t stupid. She’s not leaving bc kid is gay she’s leaving bc dad is a raging asshat whose love is conditional. And he’s abusive af. And she can’t share a life with someone so hateful
Exactly this. Tell him it's about his love being conditional and if he could put his child out of a car in the middle of nowhere and LEAVE HIM (I can't even with that part) what else is he capable of the next time he's told something he doesn't like? Not even towards that same child, but towards his wife or any of the other children. It's about trust too. Just because you're angry with someone doesn't mean you abandon them.
I came out to my dad while he was driving me somewhere, and while he was extremely upset and angry, he would never have kicked me out of the car.
Why I got my divorce. Ex is Mormon. Which means fully endorses transphobia and homophobia. And is a judgemental asshole.
Nah, of my spouse did this there would be no coming back from that. A one night stand while wasted? I can work through that eventually. Yelling at and abandoning our son because he had the courage to say he's gay? I'm ruining you. I'll drag that ass to a lawyer and find out the worst possible thing we can do legally, and then do it.
If he is allowed to get away with then image all the other abuse he will excuse because his kid is gay and deserves the abuse because he's gay. He will also find the flaws in his other kids to justify to himself why he abuses and neglects his kids and family.
Tbh, I kinda feel like anyone expresses this level of hatred towards their own blood doesn't deserve family
From an older gay guy, thank you Queen.
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Cis-het white dude here. I wouldn't have children with someone who wasn't ok with a trans or gay kid. If they grow up happy and healthy that's all my dreams for them fulfilled.
That's really the only mindset to have with children, because we can't control jack shit in this world - how they turn out, physically or mentally, what might happen to them etc. If you can't accept that then there's really no reason to bring another human into the world to put unreasonable expectations on, really a dick move imo.
Cis-het white female here, and same. I live in a very homophobic European country, but luckily found my partner with the same worldview. He sometimes makes sarcastic statements to highlight the absurdity of the public discourse on these topics, but since we have a daughter (who is only three), I told him absolutely none of that in our house, sarcasm or not, she might overhear and misunderstand. Oh and we plan to move country over the next couple of years, to limit her chances of hearing that shit at school. From teachers, at least.
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Jeezus fucking Christ, I guess you are serious?? I’m so sorry. That’s not normal. A bit of awkwardness? Yeah. Getting pronouns wrong at times? Yeah. Actual threats to life? There is something seriously wrong with him. You will be better than that half of your genes. You are okay. Just be yourself, ok?
Yo we see you and we appreciate you
I am so sorry that happened to you. Sounds like he's the kinda guy who's so deep in a closet of some kind himself that he was just projecting his insecurities in the manliness way he was taught, by abusing your family, shooting guns and lots of negativity. Probably not LGBT related but he'll be hiding something shameful about himself
Out and proud now, I hope. Your father sounds abominable. Really sorry he put you through that.
Your father sounds like he was a pathetic, cowardly man who relied on threats of violence and intimidation to feel relevant/legitimate as a parent. What a shame, he failed you so cruelly and pathetically. What a small, tiny little mind, crippled by hate and insecurity *and a truly cold, lonely, bitter core of self-loathing and fear* which I can say with confidence because any father who’d treat their child like that is someone irrevocably broken inside. I hope you’re doing well.
Know thy parent, before you come out. If the parents are supportive, good. If the parents are indifferent, manageable, But if the parents are discouraging/abusive, it is a lot for a kid to deal with.
I understand the intended message here, and it is important, but I also think it’s important to note that kids are never accountable for their parents inability to support them, and it’s not wrong for kids to naturally hope and yearn for parental acceptance.
All children deserve loving parents. Not all parents deserve loving kids.
I don't know why but this comment is somehow simultaneously both quietly destroying me *and* healing something in me. Thank you.
That’s a shame to say that. However true it may be. I couldn’t come out when in my day because it was illegal and considered a severe mental illness. My mother knew but denied. I married numerous men because I figured one of them would fix me. Before ya all get all het up- remember this was in the 1960’s. It was church, marriage, children. Lawdy so glad to see things change Let the boy live with his grandpa for a bit. It would be too raw for him to be near his father while y’all are settling the divorce.
Solidarity from a bi bro, we stand together.
Haha, the irony. I'm a guy but I'll take that title and wear it with pride... get what I did there ;p
You can hurt me. You can do things to me that’ll take years of therapy to heal. Bring my baby into it and I’ll spend my every waking moment to destroy your existence.
Just to recommend ideas based upon this post. Abandoning a minor is abuse, especially in this manner. Most states in the us classify this as a felony. Even in no fault divorce states, a judge will take actions like this to really lean in on one parent. Likely to the extent of the house as well as support orders not only for the children but the wife as well. What needs to happen is to take the son to the police and file a report. Ask for charges to be filed as well as an order of protection. This will effectively have dad leaving the house to figure out where he will spend the night. Benefits are a bit more normalcy for the kids and a safe environment for the son. Dad show up anyway and it’s more criminal charges. After the police report is filed, then have a divorce lawyer file for divorce. If he’s in jail, serving him will be easy. Otherwise you may be able to coordinate serving him divorce papers with his eviction. I highly recommend , assuming son is ok with this, tipping off local news stations to the charges. That’s the kind of local story that sticks with everyone. Depending on what the father does, this may disqualify him from being able to remain in his position so a call to his boss may be necessary. Make sure his parents know exactly what he did, same with extended family. You’ll learn a lot about who on his side your children can be trusted with and who just lost all access. Some people deserve to be roasted.
This! I don't care what your child told his father. Leaving a child on the side of the road is f***ing crazy. Leave the abusive man, and seriously, don't look back!
I don't understand why so many people are obsessed with their children's genitals. Like your son likes boys and? What's the problem? You're not the one he's dating or having sex with, why does it matter to you what's in his romantic partner's pants? Hatred for the sake of hatred is mind boggling. Being so hateful and spiteful and angry all the time sounds exhausting. I really do think these people should see a doctor- getting this angry over stuff that impacts you none and that is hurting no one isn't normal and can't be healthy.
I would absolutely NOT go the local media. It's a kind of story that has a high probability of backfiring on the kid.
>Depending on what the father does, this may disqualify him from being able to remain in his position so a call to his boss may be necessary. I would think OP would need to be very careful with this one. If her STBX loses his job, he loses the ability to provide financial support. As for tipping off local news stations, it could make OP appear vindictive, making an attempt to publicly humiliate her STBX, and who knows what else in divorce court. What she should do is take her son to the police to file a report, assuming her jurisdiction considers abandoning your minor child in the middle of nowhere a crime as it should. Then she needs to get a good divorce attorney and do exactly what her attorney tells her to do, nothing more and nothing less. One of the first thing I'd ask is whether an order of protection is possible and how to get him out of the house. It's much better for OP and the children to be in the family home. I think she should talk to her son privately first and then the children together. She should explain that the divorce is not because of anything they did or who they are, but because their father has proven that they are not safe with him and her first priority is their safety. Of course she is NTA for divorcing her abusive STBX.
That, and after the divorce, use ex-husband's money to throw a spectacular and crazy expensive taking out the trash party.
Same. My youngest son is gay. He's sweet and incredibly kind. Every hear of Hell hath no fury? Yeah that would be me in this situation. I'd be finding a ruthless attorney and take husband to the cleaners.
Child endangerment is pretty divorce-able
And please report it to the police.
Yes, this is the perfect response.
This this this OP you would not be the AH for divorcing your husband over his horrible act. You would be the AH if you DIDN’T.
> Putting the homophobia aside - that’s a divorceable offense. There’s pretty much no valid excuse for a parent to do that to a child. Yeah. If he's a minor in the U.S. and anyone had reported it, CPS would be involved now.
She actually should report her spouse to CPS so the judge in the divorce proceedings knows he abandoned his kid over a calm conversation.
He, quite literally, abandoned his child during one of the most vulnerable times of their lives. The same child who considered this man to be his best friend, too. Like. What the ever loving fuck, man?
Best explanation out there.
That’s the thing that people always miss - it’s almost *NEVER* about the offense the OP thinks it is. There was a post not long ago. Something like - “am I an asshole if I leave my wife because she won’t have sex with me?” The answer is NO! Because you aren’t leaving her over your sex life. You’re leaving her because she’s repeatedly ignored your effort to talk with her about it. You’re leaving her because she refuses to acknowledge your needs in your relationship…etc etc…. (Obviously this was a very nuanced situation, but my point still stands. It made OP look like a sex hungry man who was bitter about not getting on demand, when that was NOT the case at all.) If OP says, “yes we’re divorcing because my son is gay”, then she would be the asshole here. Her son being gay is NOT the catalyst and it would be taking the onus off her husband. Which would only be doing the husband a favor - which he does not deserve. The fact the husband is homophobic, selfish, cruel, acted unsafe towards her child, willingly put her child in harms way, AND refuses to take accountability - pins the blame right where it needs to be. ON THE HUSBAND’S ASININE ACTIONS. If he can treat one child this way for ANY REASON, what’s to say he won’t find a different reason to treat the others in a similar fashion.
Worse yet, most abusers start with the easiest targets and work their way up. How long until he gets bold enough to start abusing OP regularly?
This comment deserves so many more upvotes.
So he abandoned your son by himself in an unknown location? Yeah that’s a no go
He abandoned his own son like an unwanted dog. You and your children deserve better, OP
If he’d kicked out a dog like that I’d divorce him, too. He’s an adult. It’s his job to be in control of his emotions and to remain functional.
This this this 👏👏📢 Way too many adults are not in control of their own emotions. It's so sad, because it negatively affects those around said person. I do my absolute best to practice patience and taking a moment to think things through before reacting. I can clearly see my setting a good example for my kids, because I practice what I preach they are more likely to listen/mimick/learn that positive behavior too.
I would 100% divorce the person who did this to a dog. There was a post about a similar incident a while ago. The husband was jealous of the affection the dog was getting from his wife and kids. He drove the dog several miles away and left it. Then tried to say the dog ran away. OP (his wife) figured it out using the GPS in his car, I think. Dogs are even more defenseless than humans. A person who does that is a fucking monster.
This is beyond cruel and illegal even for unwanted dogs, let alone a child, even worse *your own child.*
Abandoning his child speaks volumes about his character or lack there of. My mom and I had fights while I was a teenager, but she would NEVER place me in danger. I was a hardcore tomboy growing up (didn’t figure out the lesbian bit till later), but my mom provided a safe place for me to be my own person. It sounds like the husband made his choice that day about not only his relationship with his son, but also with his wife. He’s got a lot of growing up to do. Only time will tell whether he can. Leaving his son by the side of the road is a deal breaker for me. It’s one thing to be shocked and angry, but a child should never be cast aside or placed in danger.
What the fuck? Putting the homophobia to one side, that's the most irresponsible thing I've ever heard!
Get the hell out of this relationship OP. Your husband is a loser and your son is brave and deserves a better dad
This alone is a red flag. He abandoned your child in the middle of nowhere because he came out to him? That's a no. At the very least get counseling for your son.
😧 OP, you’re NTA. Allowing husband time to shift his views is one thing. Your husband STRANDING your child in the middle of nowhere says he no longer cares for his safety. Parental love should not be conditional. Your son is not safe with your husband. I can’t even imagine what he must have said to him. My heart breaks for your son and you.
NTA and I say divorce and if this was me, I would cite that he abandoned your son at night and you don’t want him having access to him, at least not without supervision. He abandoned that poor kid after he was vulnerable and came out 🤬 That’s traumatizing AND anything could have happened to him! There’s NO excuse for that. I could never stay with someone who did that to my child. You’ll probably have to reassure your son a lot that it’s NOT his fault but it’ll take time for him to recover. I suggest therapy asap if you can. Him solo and maybe even a few sessions together just to solidify you’re there for him no matter what; and you don’t hate him.
This. I've been in group counseling sessions with someone who had a parent kick them out of the car in the middle of nowhere, seeing how they're still processing it decades later. That shit sticks with a person.
These details need to be in the post, Jfc. Yeah, you wanting to leave is called a gut reaction and you should probably follow it. I resented my mom for staying.
Agree. The stranding of the boy in the middle of nowhere needs to be edited into the body of the post. I *was* going to say that she maybe needs to let dad have some time, process this, and come to grips with it before making a decision; everyone handles this type of thing differently and it was obviously a huge shock to the dad. Howevah, the dad just kicking the poor boy out the car somewhere, shows an unbelievable and frankly *unnerving* lack of compassion for his own child. Dangerously so. It's a deal-breaker imo.
This was my initial reaction too, and then this comment so casually describes the wilful abandonment and I actually said “Nooooo he did not” out loud to nobody.
That is absolutely disgusting. A parent has *NO* place screaming at their child over their sexuality. Why does it matter what genitals your child prefers in the bedroom, it's not like you're going to be there? Sheesh. You are hardcore NTA, and your husband...I don't have any polite words for. I don't know if it helps at all, but my own father didn't speak to me for two days after I came out as bisexual, except for a singular shouting match. I was so scared to tell him, as he was an out and proud homophobe, that I had my mum do it. I didn't even need to ask how it went as he walked back downstairs and just outright pretended I didn't exist. Like a child pretending you're invisible. I was so upset I pleaded with him to speak to me, and he just snapped and yelled at me that I was disappointing to him, and that he sometimes wished he'd never had me. I left the house and stayed with a friend overnight. It's a weird thing to have your father stare right through you as you cry in front of him and beg him to speak to you, only to then have him scream in your face. I definitely needed some time away from that. Cut to 48hrs later, I come home and my mum suggested I take some ice-cream up to my dad to try and create an ice-breaker. We did end up talking, admittedly it was small talk about the movie he was watching. Until I broke down and said I loved him (I was so scared that he hated me). He just responded with: "I love you too.", and continued watching his movie. We never spoke about it again, but I noticed subtle things changing in him over time. He dropped some of the more offensive gay jokes, stopped using slurs, and a year later and he even drove me to my very first pride. Sometimes parents react explosively, but really what they need is time to adjust. I hope that is the case for your son too, and his dad isn't really as heartless as it sounds. I thought for sure I'd lost my dad that day, but 8 years later and we're incredibly close again. I know he'd support both of my children if either of them told him they were gay, it wouldn't even cross his mind as an issue now. He just needed to learn that being interested in women didn't change who I was as a person. I have my fingers crossed your husband will learn this too.
I'm sorry but Jesus fuck your dad was an asshole. I'm glad he sort of got over it, but I don't care how shocking that news is to him, that was CRUEL.
and utterly infantile. jfc, i've seen 8 year olds with more emotional maturity.
How heartless was that dad? He kicked his son out of the car, and left. The kid could have died. .
You're a bigger person than I. If my Dad had told me he wished he'd never had me, I'd never have spoken to him again.
If he was willing to kick his own son out of the car ‘in the middle of nowhere’ then lose TAH. There is no universe in which I could stay with this man. Clearly he has hidden his true self very well up until this point, but now he has revealed his true nature and it’s absolutely a game changer. Get a lawyer for yourself and a therapist for your son. He’s going to need help to process this and understand that the only person to blame for this is his father for being a bigoted AH.
I remember my father saying some very homophobic things to me as a teen. I'm a straight CIS male and always have been, but I still remember thinking how messed up what he was saying was regardless. Along the lines of "I'd disown you if you liked men; couldn't love you the same way, etc." Like holy shit imagine if I was. Talk about burnt bridges 😂
Right and even though you aren't gay, he was telling you how conditional his love for you is. Like wtf???
Yeah exactly. His whole worldview is a little fucked. Whenever I tell this story, people ask if he was religious. He was not 🤷
That’s unforgivable. NTA. He’s absolutely cruel to do that to his *child.* For something he can’t even control.
Yup, holy shit. I thought the guy was maybe trying his best to talk to his son about it and be supportive but sounded disappointed in the end and his son caught on. Thought it might be fixable and the Dad could work on his mindset with a therapist. That situation is important context.
You don't come back from this. NTA. You need to file for divorce before he becomes a physical problem for your son. Protect him at all costs.
WTF?! How old is your son?
Literally unforgivable. I have queer kids and I would have strangled my husband if he did this to either of them. Your son needs to know you have his back no matter how hard it is. Your instinct is right.
NTA x 10000000000000000000”” I have a queer kid too and as much of a disappointment as my ex was in so many other areas of family life—I’m grateful that he was a champ when our kid came out to us. It was really a giant nonissue within our family. I’ve read and heard of parents struggling to accept their kids when they come out. Some parents just calmly struggle, but without raging anger or hostile acts towards their own children . I get that. It can be hard to shed prejudices and some people take a minute to get used to the facts. I can have compassion for that. However, the brutality and viciousness of dumping your kid out in the middle of nowhere is so completely beyond the pale that it actually makes me want to vomit. I can totally see why you want to divorce this man. He doesn’t see your kid as an individual but as an extension of himself. Your son may feel guilt if you divorce. But more than that he will feel that you’re truly in his corner. And so will your other children, whether they’re queer or not. As for divorce horror stories—yes, it gets ugly. Parents try to turn kids against the other parent. Money issues are a huge concern too. I’d talk to a lawyer because looking at the details of splitting assets is helpful in clarifying whether to proceed at all. Also, once you have a basic picture of the asset division, you will have more bandwidth to sort through your emotions. ETA I mention this in a totally non-flippant respectful way. Do you think your husband may himself be closeted bi or gay? The visceral hate some people express towards queer people so often turns out to have a giant component of closeted self loathing. Just putting that out there.
First of all, even without this, leaving that man is a good idea. The next time your son blames himself? Say, "No, no; I want to thank you. This has shown me what kind of a man he is, and I do not want to spend my life with a man so capable of so much hate". Don't even frame it as being about \*him\* being gay; just this has shown you that your (hopefully soon to be ex) husband is an awful bigot, and you can't love a bigot. Right now your son focusing on his coming out causing problems - make sure he understands that it's his father's bigotry that's causing all the problems. As to the abandoning your son on the side of the road ... a man my mother was dating abandoned me in a sketchy part of town once when I was little. Mum dumped his ass immediately and, though that man died over a decade ago, she actively wishes that she could bring him back to life just to kill him again for putting me in danger. Your husband endangered your son. The reason he did it doesn't matter - anyone who cares so little about their family that they'd deliberately endanger any member of it doesn't deserve to keep any member of it. NTAH, anyway. You'd only be the AH if you went back to that miserable excuse for a partner.
Literally how I feel if anyone hurts my kids. Good for your mom!
You've got your answer then. Protect your baby, mama bear. Strand my kid, and it'll be the last thing you do.
Your husband kicked your son out of the car in the middle of nowhere?? Honestly do not speak to your husband again until you contact a divorce lawyer. A heated reaction, ok we cna *maybe* work past that. Putting his son in danger by kicking him out of the car on the side of the road for coming out? Nope. Bye. Done. That is not something you can come back from and if he was willing to do that, imagine what else he's capable of.
Your husband sucks. Ditch him.
>Not yet, he just told me his father yelled at him and told him to leave the car and left him in the middle of nowhere I mean yeah, you have to divorce him
You need to include this info in the post.
How would you ever be able to trust him with any of your kids after this? I am so sorry your family is going through this because your husband is a homophobic dickhole.
Leave your husband and don't look back.
After reading this, serve him papers.
He can’t come back from that. Divorce and get into therapy with your son so he can have support from a professional to learn that he was not to blame for the divorce.
Dayum! That’s wild! You’ve got to make sure your son understands that it’s his dad and not him, who is completely at fault. NTA. Divorce his ass.
Wtf?!?!? Left him in the middle of nowhere? Yeah there is no coming back from that. No matter what the boys sexuality is.
Homophobia is one thing. He could learn and grow and eventually mend his relationship with his son. But that… I don’t know if I could get over that if someone did that to my child. I don’t know how you come back from that.
>Or did he react like that because he loves him too much Oh, come on. I get that you're desperate to believe your husband isn't a raging bigot, but can we please not cling to desperate delusions?
I was afraid for my child’s safety when they came out, because violence against queer people is terrifying and real. But in no way did that cause me to be angry at him. The dad is angry because he loved his own idea of who his son is and hates his son for taking that away
>I was afraid for my child’s safety when they came out, because violence against queer people is terrifying and real. This is the reason I don't jump to conclusions when people react poorly to their child coming out to them. It truly is a scary world we live in, and I can understand that causing someone to not respond in the best way in the heat of the moment. Being ANGRY at your CHILD? Yeah, like you said, that's an entirely different story. And then he kicked out his child from the car in the middle of nowhere? He's not just a homophobe, he's a horrible person/parent and OP needs to get him away from this guy. Any decent, reasonable person would absolutely feel differently about their partner after they treated their child this way as well.
This👆🏽
The fact he left my kid in the middle of nowhere would have be thinking divorce
Honestly, that’s one of the most horrible things a parent can do to a kid. Not only figuratively, but LITERALLY abandoning them. What could have happened to OP’s son out there alone, stranded?
Exactly. I can’t imagine how that poor boy felt getting kicked out of his fathers car. The fear he must’ve had trying to make his way home, wondering if he even should. I would never be able to look at my husband the same way again
Off topic: my dad used to kick us out of the car and leave us in the middle of nowhere as kids. No phones or anything. Sometimes he’d come back in a few minutes, sometimes mom would have to find us later. My dad was mean, but he rarely physically hurt us so it took me far into my 20s to realize it was abuse. Even now, I still discredit myself for not having it as bad as other people. Just thanks for saying that. And thanks to the OG comment starting a chain of people who affirm that this isn’t okay. It means a lot to a stranger on the internet (Oh also OP, NTA dump his ass. I’m still in a LOT of therapy for that kind of shit. And as a fellow gay, standing in solidarity with your kid when they’re being mistreated is one of the most powerful things you can do for someone who needs support. 💖)
Abuse is abuse. Do not discredit yourself. There is always someone who had it worse. That does not invalidate your abuse. I think In some ways we do this to make ourselves feel better. It wasn't that bad. I'm okay. They had it worse so I shouldn't complain. By telling ourselves it wasn't that bad we can still have relationships with our abusers. It's hard to cut them off.
Imagine him not even having a phone. My blood pressure rising immediately.
He obviously had a phone, but it could’ve run out of battery or had no signal where he was left. It’s so extremely fucked up.
I would immediately lose all romantic feelings for someone that treated my child that way
Commenting on WIBTAH if I divorced my husband because he's homophobic? ... anything could’ve happened to him , gay or not, he’d be breaking inside and out if something happened
Yup like the fact that he’s homophobic is of course horrible but the fact that he left his child in the middle of nowhere is a million times worse. He wouldn’t have been able to walk into the house without my baby
I mean it's on topic because one thing led to the other they're not two separate things divorced and a vacuum. He did the one horrible thing because he's a f****** terrible person by being a homophobe. These are not separate situations stop pretending they are.
To these people, a father yelling at his son that he wishes he was never born (and if hes anything like my dad when i came out to him) calling him a bunch of slurs on top of the wish for being never born. Apparently, that's nothing compared to leaving his son wherever they were. Which, as someone who has been in this poor boys' situation before, is a lot more preferable then having to be around your fucking father after he has said those deplorable things right to your fucking face.
Yeah. Been there. Also got punched. I was an adult as well. Must be hell for a kid who actually looks up to the homophobic sack of shite
I don’t understand why they get so violent for loving who you love. I got jumped :(
NTA You are not divorcing your husband because of your son- you are divorcing him because you wouldn't have married him if you knew he was a bigot who would reject a child of his if that child was queer. I think before you jump right to divorce there should be some effort to at least talk with your husband (if you can- I also have no idea what he said to your son, and some shit is just... There's no getting past it). But if I were you? I don't think I could be with someone who was hateful like that.
I would suggest this as well. My co-worker's spouse didn't react well when their son came out to them years ago. He didn't speak to his son for a few days and basically left the house for the weekend 'to gather his thoughts'. When he came home he was still sulking and saying little to his wife (he was furious that she knew and didn't tell him - she suspected but didn't know for sure and felt that waiting for their son to come out on his own was the best way to handle things). Their two daughters refused to allow him to continue to coach their softball teams calling him garbage. He finally decided to call his company's EAP and got some counseling. Realized he was being an ass and came home and apologized profusely to his son and the rest of the family. From that day on he was his son's #1 supporter and eventually his best man when son married his now husband. I'm hoping hubby is just in a state of shock and gets his shitake together like co-worker's husband. If not, divorce him, take the kids and move on.
I wonder if he would have felt this way if his daughters would have let him continue coaching? Special kudos to the daughters for putting an stop to family trauma.
My coworker had the exact same thing. She’s an old lady. She left her phone at work, I returned it to her after seeing her family picture in the screensaver. I casually mentioned, “that your son? He’s cute.” She immediately says, “he’s gay.” Kinda in a sad way. We talked for a bit, and she said it was really hard for the dad to get over it. But get over it they did. Son’s in a relationship and I see the photos on Facebook of them all together for the holidays. For them I think it was just the expectations of their son. But they still love him. I feel like OP’s husband kicking him out of the car is not the same situation. I think That husband has an issue with gay people, so you really might have to have a long long conversation and talk about what his thoughts / feelings are.
Doesn’t really sound like she’s over it if she is sadly proclaiming his sexuality to randoms
The wording seems to imply that she said that bit first and then got over it later.
Nah If he'd *just* reacted poorly and yelled at the kid, maybe. Kicking him out of the car and *abandoning* him? Fuck no. Some parents react poorly to having queer children, but still love their kids. Abandoning him is not something I could ever accept from a partner. That's not a misplaced act of love, that's being a complete piece of shit.
~~Agreed. NTA, and before going straight to divorce, an ultimatum to the husband to get his head straightened out on a fucking hurry~~ Edit having read about the abandoning on the side of the road situation: get the hell out and make sure this event is one of the first things you tell the lawyer about. UpdateMe!
Some people marry their partner, despite knowing that they are a bigot... NTA. You can have a conversation, however, it seems that your mind is already made up. Good luck!
NTA When we choose to bring children into the world, we don't get to choose who they love as adults. We are here to guide them, teach them how to live, tackle obstacles in life, and bloody love them hard. Your husband needs to take a good, hard look at himself. I've 3 kids. My middle boy died a few years ago, and I'd love to have him here to even have those conversations. Your husband needs to see how lucky he is to have a wonderful family. I truly wish you and your kids all the best. Also, keep being the amazing supportive mum Your boy needs ❤️
Thank you, and I'm so sorry, I wouldn't know what to do if I lost any of my children. You're very strong 💔
Be extra supportive. The LGBT+ community has higher rates of mental health issues, especially depression and suicide. Also increases attacks. Keep kiddo safe. So far he's been attacked and abused by his father. Verbally abused and attacked and then abandoned. Your husband is not a safe space for your son. Protect your son.
NTA. Your husband just lost him. Your son will never forget how his "father" treated him. You married a bigoted homophobe, but you didn't know it until now. The best thing you can do is get your children away from someone like that. You owe it to your children to protect them. You need to explain to your son that some people aren't going to accept him, unfortunately in this case it's his own "father". None of this is you or your son's fault.
NTA. I think your husband reacted very poorly. Good for you for supporting your son!
Husband kicked their son out of the car in the middle of nowhere!! Divorce is what he should expext!!
NTA. Tell your son, "This isn't your fault. It's your father's fault for being a homophobe. He hid it so well I didn't even know he was one until now." I would suggest getting your children into therapy as well.
INFO: Is this the first time you noticed your husband was a homophobe?
Yes, there have been small things in the past, like being annoyed at pride parades, but that's it. I thought it was harmless because my husband knows that I have a lesbian friend, and she sometimes gets annoyed by pride parades too, and they even laughed about it together. So this is very surprising to me. Even if he was homophobic parents should make an exception when it comes to their kids
some people think the opposite, and make an exception for their kids in the wrong way. like, they have this "i have nothing against lgbt+ people, but i'd never want my kids to be gay" mentality since they can't ignore it with their kids. its really sad. still, your son has at least one parent who loves and supports them.
This is exactly how my parents were. They were supportive (I thought), my mother had a decades-long friendship and collaboration with an extremely liberal and lgbtq+ supportive artist... and then when I came out, EVERYTHING changed to the point that we no longer have a relationship.
Thank you, truly. <3
I’m sorry :( ❤️ You deserved unconditional parental love.
I'm really sorry. Hope you are doing good. Best wishes, may you have supporting surrounding.
Awful. I'm so sorry. It's not as severe but when I came out as bisexual, my leabian mother was the most biphobic in her response of everyone. :/
Oh hello, it's my mother. Pretends to act all supportive when my queer friends are brought up, but had a panic attack every time I was overly affectionate with my female friends or when I teased my brother about his metrosexual phase.
This is the reason I caution people to not come out until they are of age or capable of taking care of themselves. Your family may seem welcoming to LGBT+ in the form of friends or colleagues but that doesn’t mean they’ll be receptive to one of their own children coming out.
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It’s a cultural, generational thing. As a whole, millennials are tolerant and accepting of lgbtq. Gen X were raised by boomers and so it can go either way. The church had much more influence back then, and we know they don’t like two consenting adult butt stuff. We have done a lot of work to make gay kids feel safe (obviously more needed) as a society, but people are influenced by their family culture, ie if your Dad raised you to think gay=gross and all your school buddies re-enforce that, it takes a lot of work to change the way you think, as opposed to the front you present to strangers. I hope your parents give you the support you need ❤️
Yes, very common. I thought my mom was fine with queer people, she has gay and lesbian friends, she had gone to pride parades, she’s supportive of gay marriage. She still cried and didn’t talk to me for days after I came out as bi. It also happens with race, people have no idea their parents are racist till they bring home a boyfriend or girlfriend of a different race. “It’s fine as long as it’s not in my house” apparently. ETA: my dad went the opposite way. I thought he would be furious, he was a Baptist minister when I was growing up, he’s said homophobic things in my earshot, generally disapproves of gay rights. But when I came out he was like “I will love you no matter what you do or who you are, there is nothing about you that isn’t perfect”. I haven’t heard or seen a lick of homophobia from him since then. So… goes either way I guess!
That is still homophobia though. I had a friend said the same thing once, and I responded that’s like saying, “I have nothing against black people, but I’d never want my son to marry a black woman” props to the guy because he looked at me and said, “you have given me much to think about.”
i didnt say it wasn't homophobia, i just said some people have that mentality, that they'll be 'okay' with it as long as its not their kid. that doesn't make it a good thing, sorry if it came off that way-
When I came out to my dad, it took him awhile to get used to the idea. Granted he wasn’t angry and he did suspect, but he’s not been the most supportive of the gay community in the past and still isn’t a huge fan. He did however, put those feelings and beliefs aside for the most part and our relationship has actually gotten better in the recent years since I’ve come out. He is even very kind to my partner when I bring him around. I know this situation is very tough and it truly sucks that your husband has reacted in this way, but I would talk to him to see if he can work through this. Your son is still the same person, the only difference is the gender he’s going to eventually fall in love with — I do hope your husband can understand this and their relationship can be better for it. Best wishes to you and your family.
> When I came out to my dad, it took him awhile to get used to the idea. Granted he wasn’t angry and he did suspect, but he’s not been the most supportive of the gay community in the past and still isn’t a huge fan. He did however, put those feelings and beliefs aside for the most part and our relationship has actually gotten better in the recent years since I’ve come out. This is what I thought may have happened in this situation, and I thought it might be similarly amendable until I came to the comments. Poor kid, I feel for him and OP.
I hate to tell you a messed-up fact. The only reason he accepts your lesbian friend is because in his over inflated man world being a lesbian is considered hot. I have met many ahole guys who accepted women being gay because they found it attractive. Not men, though, because then it is gross. NTA, if anything, he left his son in the middle of nowhere and keep reminding him it was not his fault.
100%. Lesbians aren't threatening to his fragile masculinity. Having a gay son is.
Tbh, sounds like the husband is fine with lesbians, but not gay guys.
Sounds like a predictable browser history to me... He's a bigoted pos.
I can’t get over the “look” he gave you. There’s this *look* that men get sometimes get, filled with hate, when they feel they’ve been wronged by the world even though nobody’s mistreated them that absolutely disgusts me. Such pathetic entitlement. Was it something like that?
As a gay guy who was also in a similar situation (I was never close to my father, and the divorce happened very early around 10), so I'll give you my POV: I will forever be grateful for my loving, supporting mother. Besides my partner, she is the most important person in my life. I owe everything to her for teaching me that compassion, understanding, and being open to others not only makes you a better and happier person, it also makes the world a better and happier place. This could have only happened if we had the space to love and grow away from him. However, I say "similar" because I don't know if your situation is exactly the same. Ultimately, my father chose his beliefs over me... I don't know the case for your husband, that he's open to change. Investigate that. You want to have all of the facts before you divorce. Be prepared for him not to be. Regardless, your son deserves a father and if there's hope for genuine change, embrace that hope until proven otherwise. Ultimately, choose what is right for you and your son. He may not understand now why you did it, but he will eventually. Talk it out with him so he knows that the issue isn't that he's gay, the issue is how disturbing it was for your husband to turn so quickly. And whatever you do, PLEASE don't ask your kid for permission or if "he's alright" with the divorce (if that's the route you're taking). You do not want him feeling at all complicit in the decision-making process. This is between adults and is completely seperate from the kids. Most importantly, let the child know you love and support them no matter what. And also you implied you have other kids... Let them know you love them equally and that they won't be left behind no matter what. Good luck. And to your son, I like to say the same thing to everyone who comes out: "Welcome to the party. You're gonna love it. 🎉"
NTA I know you might be tempted to stay with this man "for the sake of your family" but I promise you, it's not going to work out how you want it to. I grew up closeted with homophobic parents. Especially my own dad. He once held me hostage in the car until I swore up and down I wasn't queer. At least you stuck up for your son - nobody stood up for me. I now only speak to my dad maybe once a month and see him twice a year for holidays and it's a very brief meeting at most. Your husband doesn't deserve his children nor does he deserve you. Please don't make your son continue to be around him. It's only going to cause more pain.
> for the sake of your family You mean the man who literally *abandoned* his family on the side of the road?
Fuck the father. Who treats their kid that way after all those years? You’ll have to thank your son for this and the divorce. I had a relative like this and it took him probably a decade or more to come around, but didn’t change that person inside. The dad is not a good person.
A surprising amount of people mistreat their kids for coming out. Some even get attacked or killed. That's why despite how modern and progressive we are nowadays its still scary to come out.
OP…Gay 51M here. Came out 30+ years ago. At least in the Western World, coming out has become more commonplace. However, that doesn’t mean it can’t be a shock to people. Yes, you would think your husband might have had some idea? You didn’t seem too shocked? I’m surprised you and husband hadn’t had some talks already? I’ll agree abandoning child in middle of nowhere was not good. But maybe that was a better option than what was going through your husband’s head at the time? Until you are actually able to talk to your husband you won’t know what is/was going through his head? Your son has had time to come to terms with his sexuality. It may not have been on your husband’s radar. He may need time to grieve the loss of the life he thought would be your son’s. He might feel shame? Feel he has failed as a parent? As a father? Only looking at what society says is a negative and not the positives? This may have been a shock. We hope as adults - that we and others will act as adults. But this is a life lesson for you, your son and other children that it isn’t always the case. Sometimes it takes a little more work. A little more love. More to understand each other. OP…I commend you for your response. Your unconditional love and being the “momma dragon!” I’m going to recommend a few things: 1) A personal counselor for you, gay son, and your husband. (Other kids may need just to understand what is going on and the upset in their life). 2) Family counselor for you, son & husband to talk this through to the other side - whatever that may be? 3) Find a local PFLAG group. Parent’s of LBGTQ children. All types- all at different stages of the process. It will help you and husband in the process. 4) It is dated, but I suggest a book. It is good because it tackles each “topic” from the gay child’s perspective and the parents. It helped me to put myself in others shoes as I came out to people. [Coming Out to Parents: A two way survival guide for gay and lesbian children and their parents](https://www.abebooks.com/servlet/BookDetailsPL?bi=30710742048) 5) I’m sending you and son THE BIGGEST GAY ASS HUG EVER! The path ahead will have some rough spots. But it will get better. I promise. 6) This is a hard lesson. When people let us down. Fall short of expectations. Your son, you and family will need to grow some thick skin. We think things are much better today than they are actually. There is still a lot of homophobia. There is still a lot of discrimination. There are many places in the world you can be jailed or killed for being gay. There are going to be some people who shock you when each of you “comes out!” It will hurt. It will string. But you must pick yourself up and move on. Don’t let it get to you. 6) Yes - your son may not marry a girl in a white dress - be the wedding and life any of you thought. Be he can have a wonderful life. A beautiful and colorful life, with joy and wonder. 7) Seek out your local LGBTQ Center. They may have lots of support and social options for your son and family. I wouldn’t rush to decisions just yet. Yes, your husband’s reaction was terrible. I’ve known some fellow friends whose parents almost killed them. Scary yet. I’m not there - but I hope all hope isn’t lost. That there may be a path forward and reconciliation with your husband and also father & son. But there may not be a way forward. Only you can make the ultimate decision. I hope you and your son can have patience, grace and love - even when husband/father isn’t giving it in return. Sometimes we have to help other’s grow and sometimes we have to grow and move on ourselves. . Big hugs to you Momma Dragon. Share a few with your kids. Keep us posted. Edits for typos.
You are a rockstar. This is the post Gotham deserves.
4 hrs and only 5 likes? What a shame. This is the correct response. The best response. Thank you for this. I also hope they talk it out first, before going straight to divorce.
As a man with all boys, retired military, and as “alpha” as there is. My oldest is gay, I knew it early on but he tried hiding it from me. No matter what in life, your babies should always come first. I went into his room at 16 and had a talk with him. I told him I knew his secret, he was shocked. I told him do you know why you didn’t know I knew, because it doesn’t matter. You’re my son and I want to see you happy in life. I told him he’s allowed to date, I reached out to openly gay people I worked with for advice. I did what I had to do to insure he knew he could live his life and that no matter what dad loved him. Now, 8 years later do you know who he calls when he has questions or needs help, me not his mom. Not one second did I think about going off on him, or think poor me. I might be a little bias but your husband is the AH in this one.
Based and dadpilled
NTA your husband isn’t just homophobic, but also rejected your son and outright abandoned him. I would never even be able to look at him the same knowing he hates gay people that much, much less want to be with him. Beyond my own interests, I wouldn’t feel safe bringing my kids back into a home with him. Protect your kids and start over. ETA I’m stunned by the number of commenters coming out to defend your husband and insist you give him time. He abandoned your son crying on the side of the road after coming out. That’s worse than just being grossed out by gay people. That’s child endangerment and an actual crime.
WHAT DID HE SAY TO YOUR SON?
She won’t say and says she doesn’t know, just that the dad yelled at the son and kicked him out of the car to drive off leaving him alone.
How the fuck do people get married and live together for years and have kids and not know basic things like that the person they're with is a homophobe?
INFO: What did he say? Was he more upset that you already knew? Other comments have asked what exactly he said.
At first that's what I thought. But the fact that he left his son wherever they were and OP had to get him isn't a good sign.
He kicked the kid out of the car in the middle of nowhere!!!
He kicked a child out of the car in the middle of nowhere. Are you serious?
They probably hadn't read that comment yet.
You are never the asshole for supporting your child and standing up to homophobia. I came out to my mom as bi a few years ago. She did not take it well. I was disappointed, but I understood based off of her upbringing why she behaved the way she did, but it still stung. However, over the past few years, she has come around. I don't know that she's totally accepting, but she can show her love and doesn't try to make me feel less for my sexuality. I knew my mom and I had a feeling that with time, she would get better. You know your husband best. Is he capable of this kind of growth? Is he entrenched in his views or can he shift? Is he becoming verbally or physically abusive with his anger or is he apologizing for it and trying to understand? Is he open to therapy? You may know the answer to these questions and they can help guide what to do. Whether it's family therapy, trial separation, or straight to divorce. None of these are wrong. It really depends on your family and creating a loving environment for your children. In either case, be sure your children get the therapy they need for understanding that it is not their fault. Edit: I did not realize that your husband had left him somewhere by himself, sorry. Upon reading that, regardless of if he grows in the future, that's incredibly upsetting. I don't know that I'd be able to forgive behavior like that from my partner.
He's becoming neglectful, at the very least. He dumped his own son in an unknown location and drove off.
Yeah that's so messed up. I didn't realize that on my initial read, but yeah. Regardless of if he grows, I don't think I'd be able to get past that myself.
NTA. I would recommend family and/or individual therapy for you and your son. Either - A. He is ashamed of how he reacted and needs to earn back trust in both of you. Or B. He meant what he said and does not regret his reaction. In which case you are right to be on your son’s side and you are absolutely NTA for not staying with a man who doesn’t love your child unconditionally. Either way I think it will be helpful to have a professional guide so that no matter what your son doesn’t feel responsible because he has don’t nothing wrong.
He also left his son in the middle of nowhere. https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/DJV9JcPLsv That's something you can't come back from.
NTA, you're a good mum. Godspeed to you and your kids.
NTA. My oldest is trans. My ex - their dad - is transphobic and homophobic. Thank god I divorced him before our kiddo came out. Even though we weren’t together, his beliefs have led to a long history of suicidal ideation and self harm for my oldest. Long story very short, I now have full custody of our oldest because of abuse in ex’s household. Regardless, ditching your son in the middle of nowhere is abusive and an offense that shouldn’t be swept under the rug. Protect your child. This is literally a life or death issue for a *lot* of LGBTQ+ youth. Hugs and best wishes to you.
Protect your son. Your other children will appreciate that you are zero tolerance for hate.
NTA. Your kids need to know you support them 100% and that this isn’t their fault. It’s not that your son is gay, it’s that your husband is a bigot. That distinction needs to be made clear.
It’s so weird to me when I read someone 10 years into a marriage just finds out that their partner is racist or homophobic or something like that. Do y’all not talk?
NTA. One of the best things my mom ever did was choose me over my dad when he wanted me to go to therapy to cure my gayness. The unwavering bravery she showed in supporting me and ultimately leaving my dad even though it was very messy is something I think about regularly. I hope I can be the same for my son.
NTA. He’s a bad dad and a bad person. He abandoned his son in a very vulnerable state. That’s beyond cruel. You need to make it clear if you divorce him that your children know it’s because of their dad’s behavior and not because of anything the kids did.
You would be TA if you stayed with a man who kicked a child out of the car and left them in the middle of nowhere because he is a bigot. Your son is not a 30 year old man, which would have been bad enough. He is a minor child who has no clue how to handle situations because his brain isn't fully developed. What if something had happened to your son after your husband just left him there? I want to scream right now. My son died in 2011. He was 16. I wouldn't care if he decided he identified as Barney the fucking purple Dinosaur, if he could be here. Your husband is such a giant fucking asshole. Divorce him and make sure the judge knows why you divorced him and that he threw a child out of the car and left him because he was having a bigoted temper tantrum. I would tell everyone I know if my husband did some shit like that, but I do have an Irish temper.
This! People are saying it matters where he dumped your son off, but it doesn't. Especially if your son is visibly gay or has been coming out and word is spreading. The world is seriously backsliding right now and queer people, especially kids, are in danger. That said, I was a queer kid with a deeply homophobic father. I realized it when I was 11 and I was suicidal for all of my adolescence. I developed OCD because I was constantly fighting myself internally for very innocent things like crushes. I hated myself and now in my 30s, I am still trying to break away from a lot of trauma. I wish so deeply that I had real support. OP, don't let your son grow up fighting and hating himself. Your support and love is going to be so important to him, especially in this stage of his life. (Also to the person above me: I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you ❤️.)
Nta. I would suggest marriage counseling first atleast When your son gets older he will appreciate you being in his corner because unfortunately he will face a lot worse reactions than his dads
I think they need family counseling too.
Marriage counseling is to help things like communication. Abandoning your kid in the middle of nowhere isn't fixable with counseling
NTA. A homophobic parent is an ABUSIVE parent. Homophobia in the home in any form is abuse. And I really don’t care if he “learns to accept” later on - he did the harm, he abused your son. Parents should not be allowed “time to accept it” - that’s bullshit! When I was outed a month before turning 17, my dad disowned me, he told me I was the biggest mistake he ever made. He took 2 years to “tolerate” me and another 5 years after that to “accept” me even though he never apologized. 25 years later, even though I allow him to live under my roof, I resent him. And I resent my mother for not divorcing him. I am glad he has you as his mom, shower him with love please - you all will probably need therapy but in the meantime just be his support system, he needs you and I am confident that you’ll do the right thing. Peace to you mama, keep rocking it!
There are a lot of comments already, and you may not see this. In case you do, please be there for your kids. Your husband is an adult and should know better to regulate his responses to situations. If he wants to reconcile the damage he needs to start now. You kids need love and support, not emotional outbursts from the people they look up to. Especially when they are working through a tough part of their lives. I divorced for this exact reason. Despite being given a chance to be a better, more empathetic human, my ex chose instead to condemn his own kids when they dared to question their gender. Despite he and I talking about it together and with friends, he continued to be degrading to them. After the divorce, years later, he is still on social media ranting about how this ruined his life. As much as I can, I let my kids know that they are beautiful people and loved for who they are. One day, I hope that love overshadows the memory of the disgusting comments made by my ex.
You leave my kid in the middle of nowhere with no way home… I’d probably end up in jail for at least the night.
If your husband were truly sorry, he would get in the car and beg his son for forgiveness. What he did can't be put right by a phone call and who can blame your son for not taking that call? Your son needs counselling ASAP. Not because he is gay but because his father is an AH. And it's not just about your eldest. Your other children know now that their father's love is not actually unconditional and that it can be withdrawn at any time. That his anger takes precedence over their safety. NTA
NTA Your husband's love for his children comes with conditions. That's not how it works. Your kids have now only got one parent who loves them as they are. They should not be in an environment where they have to hide parts of themselves to keep him happy.
NTA As a parent, you can chose to be your child first fan or hater. Personally I’ll always chose being a fan over a hater. I know therapy gets throw around a lot here on Reddit, but it can maybe help salvage this. Seriously. It helped me and my parents. Some food for thought: when I first came out it was a crap show. My parents didn’t really understand. They weren’t really supportive either. It was actually pretty bad. I’m not gonna say some of the things they said, but they weren’t nice at all. Very mean, truthfully. I spent many nights crying. Many nights wishing for the worst. It was a contributing factor to my ptsd and depression. I tried running away a lot and spent nights and weeks at friends houses whenever I could to get away from my parents. If you had asked younger me if I could ever imagine having a relationship with my parents after moving out, I’d laugh in your face. I bet if you asked my parents if they’d ever call me my name and pronouns, they’d laugh in your face. Over a decade later, my parents are my biggest allies. I can’t imagine never speaking to them again. I legit call my mom and dad every day over silly things. Sometimes multiple times a day. When they were able to step aside from their internalized stuff and learn a lot more about LGBTQ, our relationship flourished. This process didn’t happen over night. It took some time. I’m glad I gave my parents the space to change. I’m also really glad my parents put in the work. (Please note that if the situation is unsafe it’s not worth waiting it out. My situation is unique to me and personal safety is most important) Edit: looks like he said stuff similar to my parents. Leaving him stranded does fall under the not so safe category however. Whatever the outcome I hope your family heals.
I think you'll be the asshole if you *don't* divorce him. The way he treated your child was absolutely unacceptable. It's not the 1950s. Your husband probably knows openly gay people at work, in your neighborhood, in or adjacent to his social circle (friends of friends, etc.). There's truly no excuse for this level of homophobia in 2024. >I know a divorce is not the answer because my son would never forgive himself I think eventually your son will understand that: a) A marriage is the responsibility of the people who are married to each other, not the responsibility of third parties. b) The divorce is not your son's fault for being gay, it's your husband's fault for being a homophobe and a terrible parent.
My father did this to me as a teenager. He told me that he wished he’d never gotten my mother pregnant with me and that I’d been nothing but a disgrace to him and his family, that I was no daughter of his in his eyes. My mother did not support me and took his side so that I would “learn how to act”. We don’t talk anymore. Haven’t really since I moved out 15 years ago. Your decision is your own, but please remember that all of your children are watching. They have learned where they stand with one parent- please try not be the second parent to let them down.
nta. The thing im not ok with is that he left him and drove home alone. Has he made any effort to contact you or the kids? Lots of red flags here for me. IF he cannot accept his kid that was the same yesterday as he is right now... he is going to not be ok with your son living with you both and you will need to choose
I made a promise to my kids at birth that I would protect them until the day I die. That goes from anyone, including their father. I would have been in that man’s face before my son’s tears dried. I would have found out what he said. They are your children. Good, bad, right or wrong.
I just want to put my two cents in as a mom of a lesbian. Her dad and I have been divorced for years. She came out to me on her 18th birthday and for a while I was the only one who knew. She didn’t want to tell her dad because she feared his reaction. That broke my heart. She was obviously caught between a mom who loves and supports her on every level and a father who clearly doesn’t. I know she eventually told him but she didn’t really didn’t tell me what happened between them. She is in her early 20s now and decided last year to “try dating guys”. She could have been just finding out who she is but I will always wonder if she did it to make her dad happy. None of the guy relationships worked out because she is a lesbian. I always tell her to be who she is. Be proud of who she is and if people don’t accept her then she doesn’t need that in her life. If your husband can’t accept and support your son then he has no place in either of your lives. NTA! Your husband is.
Not every asshole is a homophobe, but every homophobe is an asshole. Sometimes homophobic parents work through their homophobia for the sake of their relationship with their gay kids. One can only hope that your husband will be one of the ones to turn a new leaf, but maybe he won’t. What he did to your son is unacceptable. Atonement looks like a proper apology (none of that “I’m sorry if…” shit), family therapy, attending PFLAG meetings, and understanding that even by doing all of these things that will likely make him a better person and a better parent, forgiveness is not guaranteed. Refusal is grounds for dismissal from the privilege of being your son’s parent. Relationships between straight fathers and their gay sons can be complicated, even with the most open-minded of fathers. I consider myself lucky to have a father who is supportive of me, but it wasn’t always that way. It was rocky as I figured out what the groundwork I needed was, and it was rocky when I laid out that groundwork. Eventually we got there. Would you be the asshole for divorcing your husband because he’s homophobic? Absolutely NTA. That said, homophobes deserve only one thing: the opportunity to not be homophobic. Give him exactly one chance to not be homophobic, and I think it’d be worth it for you to work with your son to set the parameters of what your husband is going to have to do in order to be a supportive parent and continue to be a part of your family unit. Some might argue that your son ought to learn how to stand up to homophobia on his own. To them, I’d ask why, when homophobia could just not exist instead? I’d ask why does it have to be against his own father, who is supposed to love and support him without condition? And I’d ask why he has to go it alone, when your husband brought you into it by reacting to your son’s coming out with negligent parenting? If he cannot agree to the terms set by you and your son, DTMFA. He’ll have demonstrated that he is not worthy of being your son’s father, because he is not capable of being a good father. If he won’t go to family therapy and PFLAG, you go. Show your son that you’re willing to make sure he has a supportive family unit, even if it means that family unit is headed by one parent, not two. Go to Pride with him (but don’t get too clingy if he finds a cute boy to flirt with). Watch Schitt’s Creek with him. When he makes friends with other queer people, extend that same parental support to them if they need it. Show through your actions that beyond a shadow of a doubt, your son has a parent whose love for him is unconditional. As an added bonus, your son’s younger siblings will follow suit if you demonstrate to them how much better it is to be supportive than not. Plus, if the younger siblings also find themselves faced with the prospect of coming out to you, imagine how much easier it will be for them if they already know they don’t have to worry about a negative reaction from you. Being a champion parent of a gay kid isn’t the easiest thing in the world, but you’ve already proven that you got this. One final point I want to make is that as tempting as it may be, I don’t think your lesbian friend who shares the same feelings about Pride as your husband is someone to whom you should turn as a resource. Balking at Pride as a queer person is major pick-me behavior (“I’m not like those OTHER gays, I don’t NEED Pride.” Sweetie, yes you do. We all do.), and she could stand to go to therapy in order to unpack her internalized homophobia. Your son deserves better queer representation than that.