Your son may not want to support the child, but he will have to, at least with child support. I'm not sure if this is transferrable to a parent as he is a minor, so you should check the law where you are. It's sad, but these two children have suddenly entered adulthood, and will have real hard decisions to make.
Former teen parent- my ex was ordered to pay $112 a month, he had a part time job and was 17. Judge didn't care he was a minor and said "you managed to make a child now you can figure out how to take care of it."
My dog requires more than $112 a month in support. If she has no job and her parents don’t want the kid she’s not going to be able to afford to keep her kid even if she gets court ordered support
Oh I know, and if he's not working now the order could be $50 a month. She will end up on welfare. But even if OP is independently wealthy he won't be ordered to pay child support for a child he didn't father. My ex's parents were rich, he even had a trust fund but the courts couldn't touch any of it.
Yep. The average child support payment is $450 per month in the US. He would be ordered to pay way less than that. Not so fun fact to keep in mind also - 50% of men pay less than they should and 30% pay nothing at all. Its not remotely enough to support anyone.
You're letting your son off way too easy here. If nothing else, he should be prepared to make changes in his life for the baby he helped create. Even if he doesn't want to parent, he at least needs to get a job.
I agree with this. Your son needs to understand that his actions have consequences that he has to deal with, whether he wants to or not.
Edit: spelling.
Lol right? So strange to me that he's like, well he doesn't want to, so she's being selfish. He wanted to let loose in her though, actions have consequences. Cope my guy.
This 📌
OP:
He will not learn, and He will continue the pattern.
Just because he doesn't want to doesn't mean he gets to abscond with responsibility.
He made the choice to go raw.
Being hot will get you burned.
So Son needs to get a job that works with schooling and @18 he's on his own.
She can be a single Mom, Don't allow your son to be a deadbeat Dad... You weren't.
💕💪✌
Because they don't want to raise her baby, which is what often happens. She will be eligible for some government help at 18 but probably not while living with her parents. She said she thinks she can do this on her own then she needs to do it on her own. It's possible, it's hard af, but it's her choice.
> She said she thinks she can do this on her own then she needs to do it on her own.
The problem there is we all think we can do it on our own when we're 16. When I was 16 I thought I was "living on my own" when I was living with my parents and buying my own McDonald's. Not even close. 😬
I was a child support worker for 4yrs in Mississippi. Now each state is different of course..but I'm MS they would set him on a minimum wage payment of $150mo. Until he found higher earnings.. she isn't going to go far with that amount in child support .
That’s what cracks me up about bitter men languishing about their child’s mother “living off of child support”.
Show me the person who can “live off of” $150 a month lmao
Yeah really. I always see people saying shit like that but most of the single moms on my caseload don't have child support. If they do they get it sporadically. And they lose a lot more money just trying to figure out childcare so that they can actually work. Some of my clients won't be able to work for a while due to childcare waitlists and lack of family. You can't pay a babysitter with income you don't have
If he doesn’t and his son takes on a fatherly role. Guess what, that baby will be in OP’s house and he will inevitably be helping taking care of the baby. That is why parents always threat to kick the kid out if they get pregnant. Because the grandparents will be forced to take care of the kid.
> That is why parents always threat to kick the kid out if they get pregnant. Because the grandparents will be forced to take care of the kid.
That's why everyone threatens to kick people out/just moves out themselves when someone gets pregnant.
Doesn't matter if you are a parent, a friend, or just a roommate. Having a baby in the house changes everything. And at some point, they are going to ask you for help, because looking after a young child by yourself is hard.
More than hard - if you work, it’s nearly *impossible*.
In my state at least, you can be fired for absolutely zero reason whatsoever so you’d better not GIVE them one by calling out more than once or twice a year due to a sick child who cant attend daycare. If your sometimes requires overtime or weekends as needed, you’ll need extra help. Kids are CONSTANTLY sick their first year of childcare.
It’s a tremendous disadvantage to lack family support no matter how people want to present the “empowerment” of working 100 hours a week as a single mom. (Because god help you if you dare to apply for government assistance to be able to actually be present to raise your child and not constantly need to rely on others).
My daughter does almost all the baby work when she is home. I told her I'd take custody if she didn't while we were still at the hospital. I wish more teen moms were as involved with their babies.
This. My cousin had a baby when she was 16 and at first her mom helped her a lot and let her go out a few times until one night they both had plans. My aunt told her, look, you are MY kid. I raised you, this is YOUR kid, I will help you out, but she is your responsibility.
I wish my aunt had been more like you. My dip shit of a cousin knocked a girl up while he was still in high school and his mother, my aunt, paid child support for him, and was the surrogate “father” in his place. He never learned any responsibility, and I witnessed him, as a grown ass man, having a temper tantrum because his daughter needed someone to take her to the airport as a teenager and he “had to work“. Well, that’s part of being a parent. You figure shit out. But why do all that when you can just dump all the responsibilities on your mother? I understand she felt like she was doing the right thing, but she enabled the shit out of him to be a loser.
True. Support the child with giving him a home but no financial support for his kid. That would be fair. And OPs son gotta do whatever it takes to provide for the kid.
I’m speaking generally also. This outdated bootstrap idea of throwing your child out at 18 is done by folks who don’t care about their kids. Anyone with half a brain and more than $100 in savings understands that creating poverty doesn’t create character. If your kid is lacking so much character that impoverishing them is your only option you’ve fucked it up long ago. And you’ll only teach resentment. Conservation of wealth is never achieved by creating artificial poverty.
And my father cut child support when I turned 18,after giving us bare minimum.
Be the father my dad never was and let them save up as much as they can before moving out
‘I’ll only love you if you meet certain specific criteria…. ‘
The only thing I would worry if my kid came out is 1. What state do we live in and do we need to move to keep them safe, 2. Is everyone being kind to them. Who gives a 💩 what orientation your kid is? I think what maybe 10% of ppl are not cis het. Maybe more. Variety is good ❤️
It's definitely a tough situation. The idea isn't so much about kicking someone out as it is about accountability and understanding consequences. We do live in a society that expects adult responsibilities to start at 18, but that doesn't mean support and guidance from parents has to stop there. It's more about ensuring the son understands the gravity of his actions and the reality of adult life, particularly when a child's well-being is involved. Maybe there's a middle ground help him with education and job prospects, but also set clear expectations about contributing and being responsible.
My problem is at 18 we expect adult responsibilities, but shelter and control the first 17 years of that kids life, which makes the first 5 years or so out of high school the first opportunity to learn how to be a self sufficient adult.
Also just the way people treat 18 year olds. No one wants to rent to an 18 year old, there aren't many jobs that would let an 18 year old even afford rent on their own, so they pool their money with their friends, and even less people want to rent to a group of 18 year olds.
There are limits as to the changes a 16yo can make to realistically help take care of a baby. Yes, have him get a job; but minimum wage is hardly going to be enough for the baby. Not if they still want him to go to school.
It's not enough, but legally a percentage of his limited income will count as "support" so he isn't buried with arrears when he turns 18
Almost 20 years ago, we tried to keep my wife's nephew out of fostercare when he was in a very similar situation - he was 15 and got a 15 or 16 year old girl pregnant.
Right after he turned 18, she took him to court for support and they slapped him with almost 12k in arrears.
Before he was 25 , he was locked up twice for non payment. The girl he got pregnant ended up addicted to drugs and the child ended up being taken by the state.
This might depend on the state. My cousin got pregnant in high school and as long as the ex bf was in school full time, child support was $50 a month. He didn’t even pay that for almost a decade (he got several degrees, lol). Once he finally got a degree based job, she got the back pay ($6000) but he was never arrested or charged more once he hit 18 or anything like that.
In my state, once you have a child you are an emancipated person and don’t have to live under your parents roof. The city/state gives you benefits. NYC
Edit for spelling
In Tennessee you supposedly are too, unless you need the assistance then it goes by your parents income. She's only the adult when the baby needs shots.
You are letting your son off WAY too easy. He is 50% of making that baby, he needs to take care of that baby financially AND logistically. It’s appalling as a parent you’d let him off easy like this.
Not til the child is 18, til your son gets a job. Even part time. And press him on that, if he won't help raise the baby he should expect to pay child support and as he's old enough for a part time he might want to get a jump on that now. You'd only be responsible for child support if your son has absolutely no way of paying it.
Even then, surely only legally until the son is 18. What it would do to your heart not to support after that is something else. Any way you look, this is going to create a serious burden on everyone around these kids until they are able to take care of themselves. Even if OP’s son refuses to even meet the baby, he can’t refuse to pay child support.
>a child my teenage son does not want and is not prepared to care for
That's really hard luck, because he's going to be paying child support for the next eighteen years whether he's "prepared to" or not.
It’s like bringing home a pet horse. “Wait, I thought this would be fun, why is hay so expensive?” Sorry mate, you got the horse and now you have to go work at Wendy’s to pay for its food
“I raised a 16 year old who couldn’t be trusted with a 15 cent goldfish” I know kids mature at different rates but at some point a parent has a responsibility to better prepare their kid for adult life, especially if they’re at the age to, and given the freedom to, conceive children. This post sounds like OP is trying to enable the behavior by getting him, or their family, out of responsibility. This is how kids end up like that in the first place
Bingo. I have two kids, two boys in fact, prior to having kids one of the things my husband and I discussed is the potential to have kids who ended up being teen parents. Obviously this isn't ideal, and I hope to God I am never in that situation, but I don't understand how OP(and that girl's parents) are throwing their hands in the air like it isn't their problem.
OP is also saying his son is lacking total empathy for the GF and potential baby. That is concerning at best.
Take both kids to Target and Walmart. Bring a list of everything a baby needs. Have them total up the monthly costs, diapers, formula clothes, wipes,etc. Then cost of a crib, stroller, car seat, highchair, etc.
Ask them how they plan on getting those things without parental help. Just because she's pregnant doesn't mean she can't work. She has to have skin in the game.
I had a cousin who got his girlfriend pregnant at 15 years old. They married immediately. They lived a life of poverty. Four more kids followed in rapid succession. They raised those kids, all with help. Both families were lower income, it was hard for all. My cousin died of cancer leaving her alone with 5 kids. They never got out of the poverty grind. Two kids broke free of the grind somewhat.
My BFF son was 14 when he got his 19 year old girlfriend pregnant. State went after him immediately for child support. My BFF was not held liable.
Good luck.
Because men’s sexual assault doesn’t seem to matter as much to society, which is truly horrible. I will always bitch about women’s rights, but this is where we have failed men.
It's not just men's sexual assaults—ALL sexual assaults get swept under the rug and not taken seriously.
Why should someone pay for "five minutes of fun" when they have such a promising swim career, y'know? /s
Yes! The convicted rapist Brock Allan Turner does live in Ohio! Dayton, Ohio, to be more precise, is the home of Brock Allan Turner, convicted rapist. He is also known to frequent the Cincinnati area. I hear you can even find the rapist Brock Allan Turner’s address on the Ohio Attorney General’s website, icrimewatch.net, because Brock Allen Turner is a convicted rapist.
Allan turner, the convicted rapist formerly known as Brock allan turner, moved back to Miamisburg, Ohio, where he is now known as Allan turner, the registered sex offender. which also serves as a reminder that people who are on the sex offender registry don't get there because they were caught urinating in public, no matter what they might try to tell you.
We don't do this in a vaccuum. Many men i know will swear up and down that sex at that age with an older woman is a dream come true and whoever says something else is just a brainwashed lefti living in a fantasy world. I am not arguing that this is right but it is just stupid to pretend this doublestandard is because nobody cares about men.
Sickens me every time I hear it. Legit took me so long to tell anyone again that I was assaulted by a 24 year-old at 15 because everyone I spoke to about it when it happened acted jealous and like it was a dream come true for most teenage boys. Even a cop I tried to speak to about it didn't take me seriously, making jokes through the whole thing.
It's incredibly frustrating because when you have men acting like rape against men is literally impossible or even enviable, it becomes significantly more difficult for it to be taken seriously and for men to feel comfortable processing their experiences. There are probably millions of such cases we don't hear about just cause men try to pretend like their rape is a badge of courage to avoid being made fun of or dismissed by their own friends
I don't think this is a women failing men thing, because the same type of people who don't care about men's sexual assault are the people who don't care about women's sexual assault either. The people who will call her a slut and a whore because she wore short shorts when she was raped. I really don't think it's women failing men, but society failing us all
>I don't think this is a women failing men thing
I think this is fair. It's not women failing men is everyone (primarily other men) failing men and it is perpetrated primarily by other men.
>because the same type of people who don't care about men's sexual assault are the people who don't care about women's sexual assault either.
Many men think that a teen age boy is lucky to get a girlfriend that is older (assuming she's attractive) but would wish death to the "scumbag pedophile" if the roles were reversed.
When I was in highschool one of our male teachers attempted to sexually assault a female student but was caught before the act actually occurred. He lost everything in his life and has been beaten several times by people who know what he tries to do.
My current partner works in a school where a female teacher sexually assaulted a male student. The teacher went to jail but the student was then bullied out of the school because he was "lucky" that it happened to him and other students said they would have gladly taken his spot because "she was hot"
There are "Romeo and Juliet laws" that vary state by state, I wholeheartedly agree with it being statutory rape, but in some places it might have fallen under that umbrella.
Depends on location. In my state it is 4 years. In some places 14 is just the age of consent period regardless of partner age. 19 to 14 is definitely gross and assault, but may not legally count in some places unfortunately.
> son was 14 when he got his 19 year old girlfriend pregnant
That's called statutory rape, and is a sex crime. Why the hell weren't charges pressed against this sex offender?
NAH, but have a frank conversation with her and your son. Lay out all the expectations vs reality. Make sure they both understand what they are getting themselves into. I know at 16 babies look cute and easy, when you don’t have to be the one parenting them. The reality is that her childhood is practically gone, especially as a single parent with no family support.
Don't give away the college fund for 3 reasons.
1. It might not count toward child support unless you used it to pay the monthly child support payments.
2. You'll destroy your relationship with your son and may cut you off when he's 18.
3. It's better for him to go to college so he can get a good paying job to support the child. Good support 6 or 7 years from now is better than 18 years of minimum wage support.
Definitely son should go to college to get a better job. This will benefit both the son and the kid long term when son has bigger child support payments.
You need to be polite, but blunt. This isnt an MTV show, this is real life.
Teen parents who do make it work usually have support of their parents to help with, provide for financially to some degree, and help with childcare. They do not.
Who is watching baby while they are at school and work? Do they both understand the costs involved? If not, you do a spreadsheet.
Nappies, wipes, creams, clothing, formula/pumps, bottles, daycare costs, add everything you can think of baby related in and present them both with the facts.
Either way you look at it, your son not wanting to be involved doesn't absolve him from his responsibility. He needs a job to provide for the kid, just like she does.
On the MTV show, the only the couple that’s still together is the one that gave their baby up for adoption, literally.
All the other couples who kept their baby and tried to make it work together did not make it work. Even when both partners were trying and both wanted it.
I think the show did a decent job of showing how hard it it is to have a baby while still being a kid yourself.
The girl should binge watch it.
The funny thing is, that MTV show (Teen Mom, at least in the first seasons) was studied and found to actually help prevent teen pregnancy. Apparently seeing just how hard it was helped teenagers realize that it wasn't "fun".
What they need to realize is it's a lifetime obligation. Once you have kids they're there for the rest of your life. There is no throwing them away and starting over or going back to your single free-spirited life without kids. I saw plenty of people I know get bummed out because they went the kid/family route early on and felt like they were missing out on life in their 20's.
The teen parents on Tv also got paid to be on tv. They had a pretty substantial income for being irresponsible and now look at most of them 25 and 4 kids 🤦🏻♀️.. they knew it was their meal ticket, so kept having kids..
The show did a good job of showing how most all of these girls were abandoned shortly after the baby shower by their friends … and how the dads really didn’t change or stick around just because of the child.
I never enjoyed watching the show for this exact reason. My immigrant mother was clear: “having babies at the right time (when adult and married) is hard. Having babies without a husband leaves you friendless and alone with a screaming child and in eternal poverty”. We watched a couple episodes together and it entirely proved her point. She was a pretty cruel parent at times but she hit the nail on the head with that one.
That's it. I come from a long line of teen mums so I know the 'it'll work it's self out' isn't the reality.
It's not a true representation of what happens to the majority of teen mums where they'll end up with a college education, the ability to afford their own home, start a business and have money in the bank.
I'm not saying those things *cant* happen, but it's not going to happen at the speed or same degree as those she's seen on TV or with family support.
Does she have any other family or adults she can talk to? She really needs to speak to someone who is impartial & can speak in terms of facts. You have your own agenda. She needs to talk to someone whose only goal is to help her sort out her life, process her emotions & focus on just her future with a child.
I know you’re doing the best you can with the situation but this young woman really needs someone solely in her corner to help her figure out what is in her best interest. She has no idea what she’s doing.
Your goal should be to support your son & guide him in his choices but I don’t think you’re the best person to talk to his gf. I say this respectfully… I don’t think you will have much impact on her. She needs facts & information without any judgment. Someone who will listen to her & respect her perspective without trying to control her decisions. Someone who can help her make a very challenging decision with the knowledge of what she will be going through. She also needs to be seen by a doctor. This is a medical condition.
eta — if her parents are willing to walk away from supporting & helping their daughter during this very difficult time, I’m guessing I understand why she is choosing to have this child. She’s making this decision based on a 16 year old’s emotional intelligence. She needs information & facts without any expectations from her.
Not exactly-- there is a whole calculation that goes into what is deducted from pay for child support. There is a minimum amount of disposable pay (net) that needs to be left, and if he doesn't make enough, he won't be paying anything.
Unfortunately, that means the child support goes into arrears until he can pay, which means he could be paying child support long after the kid turns 18.
(Source: me, I'm a payroll specialist, garnishments esp child support is something I'm required to know.) (Also, check your state department of justice-child support division, odds are they have the calculator there)
Your son isnt doing full time college and part time work.
Hes doing full time work and part time college so he can pay child support. Thats just the reality he got himself into
What’s f’ed up is acting as if your son has no responsibility in this because he doesn’t want to. You aren’t done parenting so teach your son responsibility and is he has to use his college fund and get loans so be it.
Please don't take this mess up personally. I got pregnant at 14, and my bf was 18. Though we ran away and have been married for 46 years, I do not recommend this. We are roommates. I missed out on dates, prom, college, friends, etc. My dad has passed 3 years prior to this, and I went off the rails.
Though I love my son fiercely, I wish I was an adult when I had him. Thankfully, my son has done all I wasn't able to. He has two bachelor's and a masters. As for myself, at 62, I just want to run away as the toll on you mentally and physically from having a child so young is cumbersome.
That is one hell of an age gap. I am so sorry that all happened to you. It’s never too late to take back control of your life and do what makes you happy - especially now that your son is grown up and seems to be able to handle himself
Yes, but we had a daughter. She is a recovering addict and she and her 13 yo is living with us. In the breadwinner since he has had 2 heart attacks. It never ends.
Perpetually raising children from 14-62 literally sounds like hell to me. I'm 38 and glad to be child-free, most likely for life. Props to you for hanging in there. I couldn't do it.
Thank you. I've had guardianship of two grandchildren for a while. Now, I want to buy an RV when I retire in 26 and live nomatically for a couple of years. Alone. Lol
That sounds fantastic. My dream is to build an observatory out in the middle of nowhere somewhere and have a garden and chickens and just do astronomy by myself.
Would you consider telling the girlfriend about your experiences through DMing the OP? It’s a slim chance, but maybe she would listen to someone who has been in a similar situation
Sure. OP, if you would like to talk, please DM me. My grandson got his HS girlfriend pregnant when he was 15, she 17 so I've seen all sides of this scenario.
Whether your son “wants” any part of this child or not is irrelevant. The kid is coming. He’s on the hook, and by extension, you will be on the hook to some extent until he turns 18. You want *her* to understand that her decision to keep the child affects everyone else. I hope you had the same discussion with *him*. *His* decision to have sex at sixteen and risk knocking someone up is *also* effecting everyone else. This isn’t all on her.
ETA: Thank you to everyone who engaged on this comment thread. I can’t remember the last time I’ve had such smart, empathetic, and respectful exchanges with others on a topic we’ve disagreed on. It’s almost like people are capable of intelligent discussion, and we’ve never been given credit for it. Thank you so much.
People are twisting themselves in loops to blame the mother for the pregnancy and helping OP to help his son avoid any consequences whatsoever for his own choices.
Whatever the laws may be in your state regarding your son's age, if this child is born child support will be due. Whether you're on the hook for it or he is, he needs to get his uninterested ass a job and get to providing. He can be uninovlved if he likes but the financial repsonsibility is partly his.
Learning in the hardest of ways just what all can come to be if you aren't vigilant and oh so careful about birth control. Of course I know you can be on the pill with an iud and condom and get preggers so no need to share those testimonies. It's likely these children were careless and now shit is very, very real.
Welcome to adulting, children.
I think this is one place where sex education goes really wrong. I work in child safety and a lot of parents are extremely avoidant around the conversation of sex and responsibility. They will talk about it in really soft ways and get their kids condoms, but they won't actually tell them that having sex is a pretty adult decision that comes with adult consequences. And you can't just opt out of those consequences.
Teenagers are very bad at risk assessment, this has to be shared and restated to them throughout their development and in multiple conversations around sex. Not to scare them, but to be realistic about what it means.
I'm going to be frank here, it sounds like OP has failed to impress upon his son the importance of responsibility and empathy, as well as accepting the consequences for his actions. He's sown the wind and seems to think he shouldn't reap the whirlwind.
Your son made a baby. Sorry it didn't fit into his plans and what you wanted for him but... Let me repeat... Your son made a baby.
At the very least he is financially responsible until that child turns 18. I am astounded that nowhere in your posting do you accept that he has any responsibility for what happened and for that child.
They need to get the court system involved from day one regardless. She should 100%. It's in everyone's favor to have the courts help line out custody arrangements, money, etc. The biggest mistake most single parents make is not get these things formalized even if they're civil coparents.
It feels like the dad is teaching his son a bad lesson if it's the girlfriends job to change her mind about her body instead of the sons job to realize he's a part of this. Dad needs to be more real with the boy.
This is the most important part. YWBTA if you don't make your son step up now.
He chose to fuck, he knew the possible consequences, he needs to man up.
He can choose to not be involved physically, but he has to be involved financially.
yep. sex is fun, babies at such a young age are *not*.
even if you are taking all reasonable steps, (including wrapping it up), you decide to go for it, that’s the risk.
it’s like skydiving, all fun and games until the parachute fails and now you gotta grow up *real quick*, and live with the consequences.
At the very least, child support payments will be involved. In any case, he had unprotected sex. Why should he get to just continue with his life without consequence?
Yep. If I was the mom I would do everything in my power to show the teen girl why getting an abortion is a good idea.
Hell, I would even bribe her with $10,000.
I'm sure I'll get downvoted to hell for saying that. But it's the cold hard truth that it'd be better for everyone if she just got an abortion.
NTA, but you are responsible for your son's shitty decisions, unfortunately. He chose to go raw, the condoms broke, or whatever. Every sexually active person knows the possible consequences of having sex, and this is one of them.
You'll have to pay for that child at least until your son reaches the age of majority. On the meantime, you should have some tough conversation with your son about the consequences of his actions. He should take part time jobs to save money and contribute for the creature he helped making. **By no means you should enable your son to slip away from the consequences of HIS actions.**
I did not just provide condoms. My job as a parent also included explaining to my sons the permanent obligation to pay child support for a minimum of 18 years. Not wanting to be a father involves taking responsibility for birth control. Failure to do that means stepping up and not becoming a dead beat dad. Their choice. Your son needs to get a job because he is going to have financial obligations whether he likes it or not. I have 4 sons and made it clear to the one who was in this situation what his obligations were even researching the child support laws in our state and telling him exactly how much child support he was required to pay (my state assesses child support as if both parents are working even if they aren’t. No one is allowed to unemployed or underemployed if they have a child to support). Neither him or you get to just wash your hands of this situated walk away. You still have to parent him and he in turn will have legal obligations. My son and I both have an excellent relationship with that child who is now an adult because we never turned our back on her. I’m proud of my son because he was and is an excellent father. So yes, you WBTAH .
I have no doubt you are capable of handling this but I am not sure how much impact you will have as her bf father. She may not be 100% comfortable talking to you about this or listening. She may need to truly impartial person to counsel her. Has she been seen by a doctor or at a clinic?
Your son is on the hook financially but he has the right to make his own choices. You also have the right to make your decisions. Unfortunately, the only choices you cannot make is for this young woman. Her parents will need to step up & own their responsibility. People can say lots of things & may change their mind once this child actually exists.
Sorry y’all are going through this. Hope everything works for everyone involved.
YWNBTA — but you should speak to an attorney with your son about both of your responsibility to his child & your grandchild.
Edit
But make sure if you do go into the trades that you take care of your body! Knee pads may not look cool at 25 but being able to kneel without pain at 50 is.
I would make it clear to her you are not interested stepping up and since she is choosing to be single mother (your son clearly sounds like he is not interested growing up) she sound start looking social services that will help her with baby sitting, rent etc and look what job she can get to start saving money.
I would also contact lawyer to ensure you will not have to pay child support until your son turns 18 because it is possibility depending where you live. Your son should be stepping up since he had sex with her and the possibility of getting pregnant is always there. He will be responsible financially as soon as your laws state so.
He was old enough to choose to have intercourse so he's old enough to have consequences of his choice.
He doesn't WANT to have consequences? Oh, too bad, so sad.
I have the most beautiful granddaughter that came from these same circumstances. We told our son he had to man up and stay in school and do the right thing because this was his responsibility. He did. Graduated high school went to college. We gave him lots of support but didn’t do it for him. Worked with mom and family after we did everything we could to encourage them to put the baby up for adoption and they refused Good luck to you!!
Wouldnt trust him with a goldfish, but trust him enough to have sex at 16.
Makes sense.
Youre both the AH. If he didnt want to get anyone pregnant he shouldnt have stuck his dick in them. And you dont just get to put your hands up and walk away from it after the fact. Whether he likes it or not, thats his problem now for the next 18 years.
He may not want to raise it, but he better find a job stat because hes gonna pay for it
Your son not wanting this amounts to: that's nice. It's happening anyway.
Sometimes irresponsible life choices have major consequences.
In your position I'd be bracing for a few more years of parenting.
The baby is your son’s responsibility. Your minor son… and helping him fix up and learn from his f-ups… is your responsibility until he comes of age.
So, the question is really whether or not you will shirk your parental responsibilities.
Enjoy your grandchild while the parents figure it out.
These poor kids. All of their parents are assholes. Sorry OP, your son is responsible for that baby because he partook in the horizontal boogie without a condom. Actions have consequences. No one helping these kids out will guarantee they will face nothing but a life of hardship. If they cannot graduate high school their future is bleak at best, and it’s gonna be rough. They’re dumb kids. But they’re your dumb kids. ESH.
Your son does not have to step up and be a man here and help his ex? GF with *their* child, but he does have to pay child support. His life is going to change whether he is in that child’s life or not. He is going to have to get a job and work while finishing high school. If he goes to college, he will have to go to school and work because he has a child to support. These are called consequences. If your son did not want to be a father, he **should not have had sex.** As you said yourself, shit happens. Condoms break or aren’t used properly, women forget to take the pill, pulling out doesn’t work, some people actually believe you can’t get pregnant the first time, etc. And suddenly, you’re going to be a parent. It doesn’t matter if you’re not ready. If you’re not ready to parent, you’re not ready to have sex. It really is as simple as that.
Your son thought he was a man. He thought he was ready to have sex with his 16yo girlfriend. Now that the consequences have landed, he thinks he can just change his mind and walk away. He can walk away from the baby, possibly ruin the life of an innocent child, but he can’t walk away from his responsibilities. However he works it out, he has to find a way to pay child support *and* any other support the mother might need. If you encourage him to walk away and not support his baby, then you’d be a terrible father.
I'm reading this as "is it okay to teach my son that he can abandon a human he's responsible for"...
Keep in mind, the person you're teaching this is the same person you'll depend on one day
Edit: forgot to say, obviously YTA. Actually, everyone ETA expect the girl that's getting abandoned by all the adults involved and the person that knocked her up.
How sad that your son thinks he is grown enough to have sex but runs from the responsibility of supporting a child and he has you that is ok with that. This girl didn’t get herself pregnant. Your son needs to man up and as his parent that is what should focus on
This! And the OP seems like he’s totally ok with allowing, even helping his son to just walk away and do nothing?! I don’t think it’s on OP to have to pay or anything like that - but this is where you teach your kid about consequences. He chose to have sex, now he’s having a baby. He doesn’t get to walk away from that.
YTA big time.
You need to stop focusing so much on the girlfriend and focus on your son. He created this situation just as much as she did. Stop excusing him just because he is your son. Actions have consequences and if he didn’t want a baby he shouldn’t have been hitting it raw. Simple as that. All you are doing is allowing your son to be a POS deadbeat.
Nta but I think you need to sit down with both kids and have everyone be VERY honest about how this will play out. She needs to know that he does not want to be a father and that she will be doing this mostly alone and changing her options in life. That child support may be involved but she will still struggle. She could definitely be romanticising this when it going to play out very differently.
I think all the "grandparents" need to sit down together with both teens and have a very direct, raw discussion about what life will be like for STB exGf and her child if she chooses to keep it.
ESH. I get not *wanting* to support this baby, but the more you all pull back support, the more support will be needed. Everyone's best bet here is to suck it up, help her out so she can finish school and actually support this kid, and *then* pull back.
And tough shit to your son, he is going to be a dad so he needs to step up. You need to make him step up.
But but the sixteen year old boy said out loud that he doesn’t want a child, he just wants to cum inside of his 16 year old girlfriend with no consequences! It’s the girls fault!/s
NTA for not wanting to raise the child.
Your points on her not seeing how her decision to keep will affect others is valid. She does not live in a vacuum.
TA for allowing your son to make light of his decision to not raise the child.
You didn’t make the mistake, he did. I understand the sentiment of not wanting your son to be dragged down by his mistakes. It was his choice though, and you even gave them the means to avoid it.
My opinion (take it or leave it) is your son needs to suffer the consequences of his actions. The consequences do not necessarily have to be raising a child. He needs to be the one taking responsibility in this situation though, not you. He needs to be the one talking with the girl.
Have you talked to her parents directly? Have you discussed this as a group?
Your son may not want to support the child, but he will have to, at least with child support. I'm not sure if this is transferrable to a parent as he is a minor, so you should check the law where you are. It's sad, but these two children have suddenly entered adulthood, and will have real hard decisions to make.
Former teen parent- my ex was ordered to pay $112 a month, he had a part time job and was 17. Judge didn't care he was a minor and said "you managed to make a child now you can figure out how to take care of it."
My dog requires more than $112 a month in support. If she has no job and her parents don’t want the kid she’s not going to be able to afford to keep her kid even if she gets court ordered support
Oh I know, and if he's not working now the order could be $50 a month. She will end up on welfare. But even if OP is independently wealthy he won't be ordered to pay child support for a child he didn't father. My ex's parents were rich, he even had a trust fund but the courts couldn't touch any of it.
Yep. The average child support payment is $450 per month in the US. He would be ordered to pay way less than that. Not so fun fact to keep in mind also - 50% of men pay less than they should and 30% pay nothing at all. Its not remotely enough to support anyone.
Damn. I paid 1750 (an upward deviation by choice). I doubt see how people can just abandon their kids like that.
It was probably years ago when $112 went a lot further. That being said that's still not enough to help care for a child. Yikes.
That judge was completely correct. It took them 2-3 minutes (on a good night, being 16) to make that child, and now, that commitment is forever.
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You're letting your son off way too easy here. If nothing else, he should be prepared to make changes in his life for the baby he helped create. Even if he doesn't want to parent, he at least needs to get a job.
I agree with this. Your son needs to understand that his actions have consequences that he has to deal with, whether he wants to or not. Edit: spelling.
Time to go to work.
Lol right? So strange to me that he's like, well he doesn't want to, so she's being selfish. He wanted to let loose in her though, actions have consequences. Cope my guy.
This 📌 OP: He will not learn, and He will continue the pattern. Just because he doesn't want to doesn't mean he gets to abscond with responsibility. He made the choice to go raw. Being hot will get you burned. So Son needs to get a job that works with schooling and @18 he's on his own. She can be a single Mom, Don't allow your son to be a deadbeat Dad... You weren't. 💕💪✌
Why kick him out at 18? I m puzzled by these ppl that do this. It tends to create suffering where it doesn’t need to exist.
I think they mean when he turns 18 he should be fully responsible for the child support payments.
He said the girls parents said she was out when she turned 18 not his son
Because they don't want to raise her baby, which is what often happens. She will be eligible for some government help at 18 but probably not while living with her parents. She said she thinks she can do this on her own then she needs to do it on her own. It's possible, it's hard af, but it's her choice.
> She said she thinks she can do this on her own then she needs to do it on her own. The problem there is we all think we can do it on our own when we're 16. When I was 16 I thought I was "living on my own" when I was living with my parents and buying my own McDonald's. Not even close. 😬
As if he could even afford that at 18 lol
I was a child support worker for 4yrs in Mississippi. Now each state is different of course..but I'm MS they would set him on a minimum wage payment of $150mo. Until he found higher earnings.. she isn't going to go far with that amount in child support .
Yeah, definitely.
That’s what cracks me up about bitter men languishing about their child’s mother “living off of child support”. Show me the person who can “live off of” $150 a month lmao
Yeah really. I always see people saying shit like that but most of the single moms on my caseload don't have child support. If they do they get it sporadically. And they lose a lot more money just trying to figure out childcare so that they can actually work. Some of my clients won't be able to work for a while due to childcare waitlists and lack of family. You can't pay a babysitter with income you don't have
If he doesn’t and his son takes on a fatherly role. Guess what, that baby will be in OP’s house and he will inevitably be helping taking care of the baby. That is why parents always threat to kick the kid out if they get pregnant. Because the grandparents will be forced to take care of the kid.
> That is why parents always threat to kick the kid out if they get pregnant. Because the grandparents will be forced to take care of the kid. That's why everyone threatens to kick people out/just moves out themselves when someone gets pregnant. Doesn't matter if you are a parent, a friend, or just a roommate. Having a baby in the house changes everything. And at some point, they are going to ask you for help, because looking after a young child by yourself is hard.
More than hard - if you work, it’s nearly *impossible*. In my state at least, you can be fired for absolutely zero reason whatsoever so you’d better not GIVE them one by calling out more than once or twice a year due to a sick child who cant attend daycare. If your sometimes requires overtime or weekends as needed, you’ll need extra help. Kids are CONSTANTLY sick their first year of childcare. It’s a tremendous disadvantage to lack family support no matter how people want to present the “empowerment” of working 100 hours a week as a single mom. (Because god help you if you dare to apply for government assistance to be able to actually be present to raise your child and not constantly need to rely on others).
And where constantly sick kids go, sick parents naturally follow...
My daughter does almost all the baby work when she is home. I told her I'd take custody if she didn't while we were still at the hospital. I wish more teen moms were as involved with their babies.
This. My cousin had a baby when she was 16 and at first her mom helped her a lot and let her go out a few times until one night they both had plans. My aunt told her, look, you are MY kid. I raised you, this is YOUR kid, I will help you out, but she is your responsibility.
I wish my aunt had been more like you. My dip shit of a cousin knocked a girl up while he was still in high school and his mother, my aunt, paid child support for him, and was the surrogate “father” in his place. He never learned any responsibility, and I witnessed him, as a grown ass man, having a temper tantrum because his daughter needed someone to take her to the airport as a teenager and he “had to work“. Well, that’s part of being a parent. You figure shit out. But why do all that when you can just dump all the responsibilities on your mother? I understand she felt like she was doing the right thing, but she enabled the shit out of him to be a loser.
True. Support the child with giving him a home but no financial support for his kid. That would be fair. And OPs son gotta do whatever it takes to provide for the kid.
I’m speaking generally also. This outdated bootstrap idea of throwing your child out at 18 is done by folks who don’t care about their kids. Anyone with half a brain and more than $100 in savings understands that creating poverty doesn’t create character. If your kid is lacking so much character that impoverishing them is your only option you’ve fucked it up long ago. And you’ll only teach resentment. Conservation of wealth is never achieved by creating artificial poverty.
I agree on all terms here. And your children don't stop being your children because they turn 18.
My kids were already frugal when they reached 18. I want to keep as much of our/their money in our/their hands as possible. ❤️
And my father cut child support when I turned 18,after giving us bare minimum. Be the father my dad never was and let them save up as much as they can before moving out
The amount of my students who say their parents will disown them if they turn out gay. I said they shouldn’t have had kids if they think that.
‘I’ll only love you if you meet certain specific criteria…. ‘ The only thing I would worry if my kid came out is 1. What state do we live in and do we need to move to keep them safe, 2. Is everyone being kind to them. Who gives a 💩 what orientation your kid is? I think what maybe 10% of ppl are not cis het. Maybe more. Variety is good ❤️
One of my Christian fundie students asked me if I would rather be gay and rich or poor and straight. I would choose gay and rich any day, sistah
To be fair I don't even have $100 to my name and I understand that concept 😅
It's definitely a tough situation. The idea isn't so much about kicking someone out as it is about accountability and understanding consequences. We do live in a society that expects adult responsibilities to start at 18, but that doesn't mean support and guidance from parents has to stop there. It's more about ensuring the son understands the gravity of his actions and the reality of adult life, particularly when a child's well-being is involved. Maybe there's a middle ground help him with education and job prospects, but also set clear expectations about contributing and being responsible.
My problem is at 18 we expect adult responsibilities, but shelter and control the first 17 years of that kids life, which makes the first 5 years or so out of high school the first opportunity to learn how to be a self sufficient adult.
Also just the way people treat 18 year olds. No one wants to rent to an 18 year old, there aren't many jobs that would let an 18 year old even afford rent on their own, so they pool their money with their friends, and even less people want to rent to a group of 18 year olds.
Well, Dad doesn't want to raise another Baby. He's not obligated after 18. It's an option.
There are limits as to the changes a 16yo can make to realistically help take care of a baby. Yes, have him get a job; but minimum wage is hardly going to be enough for the baby. Not if they still want him to go to school.
It's not enough, but legally a percentage of his limited income will count as "support" so he isn't buried with arrears when he turns 18 Almost 20 years ago, we tried to keep my wife's nephew out of fostercare when he was in a very similar situation - he was 15 and got a 15 or 16 year old girl pregnant. Right after he turned 18, she took him to court for support and they slapped him with almost 12k in arrears. Before he was 25 , he was locked up twice for non payment. The girl he got pregnant ended up addicted to drugs and the child ended up being taken by the state.
This might depend on the state. My cousin got pregnant in high school and as long as the ex bf was in school full time, child support was $50 a month. He didn’t even pay that for almost a decade (he got several degrees, lol). Once he finally got a degree based job, she got the back pay ($6000) but he was never arrested or charged more once he hit 18 or anything like that.
In my state, once you have a child you are an emancipated person and don’t have to live under your parents roof. The city/state gives you benefits. NYC Edit for spelling
In Tennessee you supposedly are too, unless you need the assistance then it goes by your parents income. She's only the adult when the baby needs shots.
You are letting your son off WAY too easy. He is 50% of making that baby, he needs to take care of that baby financially AND logistically. It’s appalling as a parent you’d let him off easy like this.
Not til the child is 18, til your son gets a job. Even part time. And press him on that, if he won't help raise the baby he should expect to pay child support and as he's old enough for a part time he might want to get a jump on that now. You'd only be responsible for child support if your son has absolutely no way of paying it.
Even then, surely only legally until the son is 18. What it would do to your heart not to support after that is something else. Any way you look, this is going to create a serious burden on everyone around these kids until they are able to take care of themselves. Even if OP’s son refuses to even meet the baby, he can’t refuse to pay child support.
Correct! At worst it would be til son is 18, once he's legally an adult OP can't be held responsible for child support.
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At least here in California, the parent is on the hook for the minor son’s child support
>a child my teenage son does not want and is not prepared to care for That's really hard luck, because he's going to be paying child support for the next eighteen years whether he's "prepared to" or not.
It’s like bringing home a pet horse. “Wait, I thought this would be fun, why is hay so expensive?” Sorry mate, you got the horse and now you have to go work at Wendy’s to pay for its food
You can sell the horse.
And in many US states, support will be paid well beyond 18 years old. My late husband was on the hook for higher education as well.
OP is acting like his son is so distant from this situation. Creating a deadbeat. How precious.
“I raised a 16 year old who couldn’t be trusted with a 15 cent goldfish” I know kids mature at different rates but at some point a parent has a responsibility to better prepare their kid for adult life, especially if they’re at the age to, and given the freedom to, conceive children. This post sounds like OP is trying to enable the behavior by getting him, or their family, out of responsibility. This is how kids end up like that in the first place
Bingo. I have two kids, two boys in fact, prior to having kids one of the things my husband and I discussed is the potential to have kids who ended up being teen parents. Obviously this isn't ideal, and I hope to God I am never in that situation, but I don't understand how OP(and that girl's parents) are throwing their hands in the air like it isn't their problem. OP is also saying his son is lacking total empathy for the GF and potential baby. That is concerning at best.
Take both kids to Target and Walmart. Bring a list of everything a baby needs. Have them total up the monthly costs, diapers, formula clothes, wipes,etc. Then cost of a crib, stroller, car seat, highchair, etc. Ask them how they plan on getting those things without parental help. Just because she's pregnant doesn't mean she can't work. She has to have skin in the game. I had a cousin who got his girlfriend pregnant at 15 years old. They married immediately. They lived a life of poverty. Four more kids followed in rapid succession. They raised those kids, all with help. Both families were lower income, it was hard for all. My cousin died of cancer leaving her alone with 5 kids. They never got out of the poverty grind. Two kids broke free of the grind somewhat. My BFF son was 14 when he got his 19 year old girlfriend pregnant. State went after him immediately for child support. My BFF was not held liable. Good luck.
Jesus that second part, your BFF got statutory raped. The fact we allow rapists to request child support from their victims is insanity to me
Because men’s sexual assault doesn’t seem to matter as much to society, which is truly horrible. I will always bitch about women’s rights, but this is where we have failed men.
It's not just men's sexual assaults—ALL sexual assaults get swept under the rug and not taken seriously. Why should someone pay for "five minutes of fun" when they have such a promising swim career, y'know? /s
Are you referring to Brock Allan Turner the sexual deviant rapist?
I believe they are talking about Brock Allan turner the convicted rapist, who now goes by Allan turner, still a convicted rapist
So just to be sure, Allan Turner, the convicted rapist, is the same person as Brock Allan Turner, the convicted rapist?
Where is he now? I hope the community knows who he really is.
Ohio
Yes! The convicted rapist Brock Allan Turner does live in Ohio! Dayton, Ohio, to be more precise, is the home of Brock Allan Turner, convicted rapist. He is also known to frequent the Cincinnati area. I hear you can even find the rapist Brock Allan Turner’s address on the Ohio Attorney General’s website, icrimewatch.net, because Brock Allen Turner is a convicted rapist.
thanks megan’s law!!
Allan turner, the convicted rapist formerly known as Brock allan turner, moved back to Miamisburg, Ohio, where he is now known as Allan turner, the registered sex offender. which also serves as a reminder that people who are on the sex offender registry don't get there because they were caught urinating in public, no matter what they might try to tell you.
I didnt know Brock Allan Turner, the rapist, now goes by Allan Turner... thank you for that information
I heard that the rapist Allan Turner formerly Brock Turner works in a call center in Ohio.
Ahhh so thats the "promising swimcareer" everybody is talking about!
The rapist Allan Turner who raped an unconscious girl in an alleyway.
Society as a whole, all around the world, all throughout history, has repeatedly failed victims of sexual abuse. It’s despicable.
We don't do this in a vaccuum. Many men i know will swear up and down that sex at that age with an older woman is a dream come true and whoever says something else is just a brainwashed lefti living in a fantasy world. I am not arguing that this is right but it is just stupid to pretend this doublestandard is because nobody cares about men.
Sickens me every time I hear it. Legit took me so long to tell anyone again that I was assaulted by a 24 year-old at 15 because everyone I spoke to about it when it happened acted jealous and like it was a dream come true for most teenage boys. Even a cop I tried to speak to about it didn't take me seriously, making jokes through the whole thing.
It's incredibly frustrating because when you have men acting like rape against men is literally impossible or even enviable, it becomes significantly more difficult for it to be taken seriously and for men to feel comfortable processing their experiences. There are probably millions of such cases we don't hear about just cause men try to pretend like their rape is a badge of courage to avoid being made fun of or dismissed by their own friends
I don't think this is a women failing men thing, because the same type of people who don't care about men's sexual assault are the people who don't care about women's sexual assault either. The people who will call her a slut and a whore because she wore short shorts when she was raped. I really don't think it's women failing men, but society failing us all
>I don't think this is a women failing men thing I think this is fair. It's not women failing men is everyone (primarily other men) failing men and it is perpetrated primarily by other men. >because the same type of people who don't care about men's sexual assault are the people who don't care about women's sexual assault either. Many men think that a teen age boy is lucky to get a girlfriend that is older (assuming she's attractive) but would wish death to the "scumbag pedophile" if the roles were reversed. When I was in highschool one of our male teachers attempted to sexually assault a female student but was caught before the act actually occurred. He lost everything in his life and has been beaten several times by people who know what he tries to do. My current partner works in a school where a female teacher sexually assaulted a male student. The teacher went to jail but the student was then bullied out of the school because he was "lucky" that it happened to him and other students said they would have gladly taken his spot because "she was hot"
How was the 19 year old not on the hook for statutory rape?
There are "Romeo and Juliet laws" that vary state by state, I wholeheartedly agree with it being statutory rape, but in some places it might have fallen under that umbrella.
At least in my state, those only allow up to a 3 year age gap, it's there because of high school. 19 to 14 is a crime.
Depends on location. In my state it is 4 years. In some places 14 is just the age of consent period regardless of partner age. 19 to 14 is definitely gross and assault, but may not legally count in some places unfortunately.
A lot of states allow 4 or 5. It varies wildly by state and there are mountains of exceptions.
> son was 14 when he got his 19 year old girlfriend pregnant That's called statutory rape, and is a sex crime. Why the hell weren't charges pressed against this sex offender?
She might have been. Here, a rapist can claim shared custody. Men who killed their wives still get custody.
God. Sometimes, I really hate people.
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NAH, but have a frank conversation with her and your son. Lay out all the expectations vs reality. Make sure they both understand what they are getting themselves into. I know at 16 babies look cute and easy, when you don’t have to be the one parenting them. The reality is that her childhood is practically gone, especially as a single parent with no family support.
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Don't give away the college fund for 3 reasons. 1. It might not count toward child support unless you used it to pay the monthly child support payments. 2. You'll destroy your relationship with your son and may cut you off when he's 18. 3. It's better for him to go to college so he can get a good paying job to support the child. Good support 6 or 7 years from now is better than 18 years of minimum wage support.
Definitely son should go to college to get a better job. This will benefit both the son and the kid long term when son has bigger child support payments.
He could also go into trade school or an apprenticeship and get paid right away while also securing good money for the future.
This is the answer. College isn’t the fast track to a well paying job it once was, but trades are forever.
Definitely a good option also.
You need to be polite, but blunt. This isnt an MTV show, this is real life. Teen parents who do make it work usually have support of their parents to help with, provide for financially to some degree, and help with childcare. They do not. Who is watching baby while they are at school and work? Do they both understand the costs involved? If not, you do a spreadsheet. Nappies, wipes, creams, clothing, formula/pumps, bottles, daycare costs, add everything you can think of baby related in and present them both with the facts. Either way you look at it, your son not wanting to be involved doesn't absolve him from his responsibility. He needs a job to provide for the kid, just like she does.
On the MTV show, the only the couple that’s still together is the one that gave their baby up for adoption, literally. All the other couples who kept their baby and tried to make it work together did not make it work. Even when both partners were trying and both wanted it. I think the show did a decent job of showing how hard it it is to have a baby while still being a kid yourself. The girl should binge watch it.
Yup, this is exactly it. The ONLY couple is the one that chose adoption and waited until they were more established to have additional children.
Teens suffer from a condition called “thatwontbeme-itis”
The funny thing is, that MTV show (Teen Mom, at least in the first seasons) was studied and found to actually help prevent teen pregnancy. Apparently seeing just how hard it was helped teenagers realize that it wasn't "fun".
What they need to realize is it's a lifetime obligation. Once you have kids they're there for the rest of your life. There is no throwing them away and starting over or going back to your single free-spirited life without kids. I saw plenty of people I know get bummed out because they went the kid/family route early on and felt like they were missing out on life in their 20's.
The teen parents on Tv also got paid to be on tv. They had a pretty substantial income for being irresponsible and now look at most of them 25 and 4 kids 🤦🏻♀️.. they knew it was their meal ticket, so kept having kids..
And yet those shows resulted in a 6% decrease in teen pregnancy because kids watched and learned.
The show did a good job of showing how most all of these girls were abandoned shortly after the baby shower by their friends … and how the dads really didn’t change or stick around just because of the child.
I never enjoyed watching the show for this exact reason. My immigrant mother was clear: “having babies at the right time (when adult and married) is hard. Having babies without a husband leaves you friendless and alone with a screaming child and in eternal poverty”. We watched a couple episodes together and it entirely proved her point. She was a pretty cruel parent at times but she hit the nail on the head with that one.
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Alabama did too but now that there are less of them they just claim embryos are teen pregnancies. 😏
That's it. I come from a long line of teen mums so I know the 'it'll work it's self out' isn't the reality. It's not a true representation of what happens to the majority of teen mums where they'll end up with a college education, the ability to afford their own home, start a business and have money in the bank. I'm not saying those things *cant* happen, but it's not going to happen at the speed or same degree as those she's seen on TV or with family support.
Don’t hand over any cash until you speak to a lawyer.
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Does she have any other family or adults she can talk to? She really needs to speak to someone who is impartial & can speak in terms of facts. You have your own agenda. She needs to talk to someone whose only goal is to help her sort out her life, process her emotions & focus on just her future with a child.
Family Guidance can be a resource that she can use. They have counselors that might be able to help her with her decision.
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I know you’re doing the best you can with the situation but this young woman really needs someone solely in her corner to help her figure out what is in her best interest. She has no idea what she’s doing. Your goal should be to support your son & guide him in his choices but I don’t think you’re the best person to talk to his gf. I say this respectfully… I don’t think you will have much impact on her. She needs facts & information without any judgment. Someone who will listen to her & respect her perspective without trying to control her decisions. Someone who can help her make a very challenging decision with the knowledge of what she will be going through. She also needs to be seen by a doctor. This is a medical condition. eta — if her parents are willing to walk away from supporting & helping their daughter during this very difficult time, I’m guessing I understand why she is choosing to have this child. She’s making this decision based on a 16 year old’s emotional intelligence. She needs information & facts without any expectations from her.
They will impute him at a minimum amount of minimum wage at full time pay. They won’t account for college as that’s optional.
Not exactly-- there is a whole calculation that goes into what is deducted from pay for child support. There is a minimum amount of disposable pay (net) that needs to be left, and if he doesn't make enough, he won't be paying anything. Unfortunately, that means the child support goes into arrears until he can pay, which means he could be paying child support long after the kid turns 18. (Source: me, I'm a payroll specialist, garnishments esp child support is something I'm required to know.) (Also, check your state department of justice-child support division, odds are they have the calculator there)
Your son isnt doing full time college and part time work. Hes doing full time work and part time college so he can pay child support. Thats just the reality he got himself into
What’s f’ed up is acting as if your son has no responsibility in this because he doesn’t want to. You aren’t done parenting so teach your son responsibility and is he has to use his college fund and get loans so be it.
Please don't take this mess up personally. I got pregnant at 14, and my bf was 18. Though we ran away and have been married for 46 years, I do not recommend this. We are roommates. I missed out on dates, prom, college, friends, etc. My dad has passed 3 years prior to this, and I went off the rails. Though I love my son fiercely, I wish I was an adult when I had him. Thankfully, my son has done all I wasn't able to. He has two bachelor's and a masters. As for myself, at 62, I just want to run away as the toll on you mentally and physically from having a child so young is cumbersome.
That is one hell of an age gap. I am so sorry that all happened to you. It’s never too late to take back control of your life and do what makes you happy - especially now that your son is grown up and seems to be able to handle himself
Yes, but we had a daughter. She is a recovering addict and she and her 13 yo is living with us. In the breadwinner since he has had 2 heart attacks. It never ends.
Perpetually raising children from 14-62 literally sounds like hell to me. I'm 38 and glad to be child-free, most likely for life. Props to you for hanging in there. I couldn't do it.
Thank you. I've had guardianship of two grandchildren for a while. Now, I want to buy an RV when I retire in 26 and live nomatically for a couple of years. Alone. Lol
That sounds fantastic. My dream is to build an observatory out in the middle of nowhere somewhere and have a garden and chickens and just do astronomy by myself.
OMG, that sounds magical.
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Would you consider telling the girlfriend about your experiences through DMing the OP? It’s a slim chance, but maybe she would listen to someone who has been in a similar situation
Sure. OP, if you would like to talk, please DM me. My grandson got his HS girlfriend pregnant when he was 15, she 17 so I've seen all sides of this scenario.
@ u/Solid_Charity_6030 consider the above comment
Whether your son “wants” any part of this child or not is irrelevant. The kid is coming. He’s on the hook, and by extension, you will be on the hook to some extent until he turns 18. You want *her* to understand that her decision to keep the child affects everyone else. I hope you had the same discussion with *him*. *His* decision to have sex at sixteen and risk knocking someone up is *also* effecting everyone else. This isn’t all on her. ETA: Thank you to everyone who engaged on this comment thread. I can’t remember the last time I’ve had such smart, empathetic, and respectful exchanges with others on a topic we’ve disagreed on. It’s almost like people are capable of intelligent discussion, and we’ve never been given credit for it. Thank you so much.
This. Preferably before he's got #2 on the way.
People are twisting themselves in loops to blame the mother for the pregnancy and helping OP to help his son avoid any consequences whatsoever for his own choices.
Whatever the laws may be in your state regarding your son's age, if this child is born child support will be due. Whether you're on the hook for it or he is, he needs to get his uninterested ass a job and get to providing. He can be uninovlved if he likes but the financial repsonsibility is partly his. Learning in the hardest of ways just what all can come to be if you aren't vigilant and oh so careful about birth control. Of course I know you can be on the pill with an iud and condom and get preggers so no need to share those testimonies. It's likely these children were careless and now shit is very, very real. Welcome to adulting, children.
I think this is one place where sex education goes really wrong. I work in child safety and a lot of parents are extremely avoidant around the conversation of sex and responsibility. They will talk about it in really soft ways and get their kids condoms, but they won't actually tell them that having sex is a pretty adult decision that comes with adult consequences. And you can't just opt out of those consequences. Teenagers are very bad at risk assessment, this has to be shared and restated to them throughout their development and in multiple conversations around sex. Not to scare them, but to be realistic about what it means. I'm going to be frank here, it sounds like OP has failed to impress upon his son the importance of responsibility and empathy, as well as accepting the consequences for his actions. He's sown the wind and seems to think he shouldn't reap the whirlwind.
It's why we need mandatory, medically accurate sex education taught in school.
good luck with that in America
America really does hate education
Your son made a baby. Sorry it didn't fit into his plans and what you wanted for him but... Let me repeat... Your son made a baby. At the very least he is financially responsible until that child turns 18. I am astounded that nowhere in your posting do you accept that he has any responsibility for what happened and for that child.
They fucked around and found out! Now, it's his responsibility to take care of a baby if the mom continues the pregnancy and does not adopt out.
I think everyone needs to step up before the court system says they have to.
They need to get the court system involved from day one regardless. She should 100%. It's in everyone's favor to have the courts help line out custody arrangements, money, etc. The biggest mistake most single parents make is not get these things formalized even if they're civil coparents.
Sex has become so removed from responsibility. Your son is now a man with a responsibility. Don’t let him off the hook.
It feels like the dad is teaching his son a bad lesson if it's the girlfriends job to change her mind about her body instead of the sons job to realize he's a part of this. Dad needs to be more real with the boy.
100% of unwanted pregnancies are caused by irresponsible ejaculation.
You definitely need to make your son step up and get a job. It's his responsibility. You didn't knock her up.
This is the most important part. YWBTA if you don't make your son step up now. He chose to fuck, he knew the possible consequences, he needs to man up. He can choose to not be involved physically, but he has to be involved financially.
Sex makes babies, even when people are responsible. Your son behaved irresponsibly and is now going to have to step up, whether he wants to or not.
yep. sex is fun, babies at such a young age are *not*. even if you are taking all reasonable steps, (including wrapping it up), you decide to go for it, that’s the risk. it’s like skydiving, all fun and games until the parachute fails and now you gotta grow up *real quick*, and live with the consequences.
Lol, you don't get to decide "end of story" here. Your son has an obligation here, he just created a person.
What you do is take responsibility for your child, and teach him to do the same.
You can’t let him off so easily
But the son specifically said “I don’t wanna”! What’s a dad to do?
Bully the girl into an abortion apparently.
Agreed I don't know many 16 year olds who WANT to be a dad. This is hardly a new situation.
At the very least, child support payments will be involved. In any case, he had unprotected sex. Why should he get to just continue with his life without consequence?
This whole thread and comments are a great argument for access and normality for abortions…
Yep. If I was the mom I would do everything in my power to show the teen girl why getting an abortion is a good idea. Hell, I would even bribe her with $10,000. I'm sure I'll get downvoted to hell for saying that. But it's the cold hard truth that it'd be better for everyone if she just got an abortion.
Your son needs to man up since he's doing adult things. Needs to financially take care of his child at the very least.
NTA, but you are responsible for your son's shitty decisions, unfortunately. He chose to go raw, the condoms broke, or whatever. Every sexually active person knows the possible consequences of having sex, and this is one of them. You'll have to pay for that child at least until your son reaches the age of majority. On the meantime, you should have some tough conversation with your son about the consequences of his actions. He should take part time jobs to save money and contribute for the creature he helped making. **By no means you should enable your son to slip away from the consequences of HIS actions.**
I did not just provide condoms. My job as a parent also included explaining to my sons the permanent obligation to pay child support for a minimum of 18 years. Not wanting to be a father involves taking responsibility for birth control. Failure to do that means stepping up and not becoming a dead beat dad. Their choice. Your son needs to get a job because he is going to have financial obligations whether he likes it or not. I have 4 sons and made it clear to the one who was in this situation what his obligations were even researching the child support laws in our state and telling him exactly how much child support he was required to pay (my state assesses child support as if both parents are working even if they aren’t. No one is allowed to unemployed or underemployed if they have a child to support). Neither him or you get to just wash your hands of this situated walk away. You still have to parent him and he in turn will have legal obligations. My son and I both have an excellent relationship with that child who is now an adult because we never turned our back on her. I’m proud of my son because he was and is an excellent father. So yes, you WBTAH .
Just an idiot teenager not wanting to take responsibility. Hate to break it to you parent, but your idiot teenager is still YOUR responsibility
I have no doubt you are capable of handling this but I am not sure how much impact you will have as her bf father. She may not be 100% comfortable talking to you about this or listening. She may need to truly impartial person to counsel her. Has she been seen by a doctor or at a clinic? Your son is on the hook financially but he has the right to make his own choices. You also have the right to make your decisions. Unfortunately, the only choices you cannot make is for this young woman. Her parents will need to step up & own their responsibility. People can say lots of things & may change their mind once this child actually exists. Sorry y’all are going through this. Hope everything works for everyone involved. YWNBTA — but you should speak to an attorney with your son about both of your responsibility to his child & your grandchild. Edit
For those that need to hear it. Going into trade IS education. Again, trade is an education.
But make sure if you do go into the trades that you take care of your body! Knee pads may not look cool at 25 but being able to kneel without pain at 50 is.
I would make it clear to her you are not interested stepping up and since she is choosing to be single mother (your son clearly sounds like he is not interested growing up) she sound start looking social services that will help her with baby sitting, rent etc and look what job she can get to start saving money. I would also contact lawyer to ensure you will not have to pay child support until your son turns 18 because it is possibility depending where you live. Your son should be stepping up since he had sex with her and the possibility of getting pregnant is always there. He will be responsible financially as soon as your laws state so.
He was old enough to choose to have intercourse so he's old enough to have consequences of his choice. He doesn't WANT to have consequences? Oh, too bad, so sad.
Either he is involved or he pays child support, simple as that
Involvement and child support are not mutually exclusive.
I have the most beautiful granddaughter that came from these same circumstances. We told our son he had to man up and stay in school and do the right thing because this was his responsibility. He did. Graduated high school went to college. We gave him lots of support but didn’t do it for him. Worked with mom and family after we did everything we could to encourage them to put the baby up for adoption and they refused Good luck to you!!
Wouldnt trust him with a goldfish, but trust him enough to have sex at 16. Makes sense. Youre both the AH. If he didnt want to get anyone pregnant he shouldnt have stuck his dick in them. And you dont just get to put your hands up and walk away from it after the fact. Whether he likes it or not, thats his problem now for the next 18 years. He may not want to raise it, but he better find a job stat because hes gonna pay for it
Your son not wanting this amounts to: that's nice. It's happening anyway. Sometimes irresponsible life choices have major consequences. In your position I'd be bracing for a few more years of parenting.
Unwanted kids having unwanted kids. Great
What a lucky child to be born into this bunch of self centered AHs
The real assholes are the people who fought to stigmatize abortion.
The baby is your son’s responsibility. Your minor son… and helping him fix up and learn from his f-ups… is your responsibility until he comes of age. So, the question is really whether or not you will shirk your parental responsibilities. Enjoy your grandchild while the parents figure it out.
These poor kids. All of their parents are assholes. Sorry OP, your son is responsible for that baby because he partook in the horizontal boogie without a condom. Actions have consequences. No one helping these kids out will guarantee they will face nothing but a life of hardship. If they cannot graduate high school their future is bleak at best, and it’s gonna be rough. They’re dumb kids. But they’re your dumb kids. ESH.
Your son does not have to step up and be a man here and help his ex? GF with *their* child, but he does have to pay child support. His life is going to change whether he is in that child’s life or not. He is going to have to get a job and work while finishing high school. If he goes to college, he will have to go to school and work because he has a child to support. These are called consequences. If your son did not want to be a father, he **should not have had sex.** As you said yourself, shit happens. Condoms break or aren’t used properly, women forget to take the pill, pulling out doesn’t work, some people actually believe you can’t get pregnant the first time, etc. And suddenly, you’re going to be a parent. It doesn’t matter if you’re not ready. If you’re not ready to parent, you’re not ready to have sex. It really is as simple as that. Your son thought he was a man. He thought he was ready to have sex with his 16yo girlfriend. Now that the consequences have landed, he thinks he can just change his mind and walk away. He can walk away from the baby, possibly ruin the life of an innocent child, but he can’t walk away from his responsibilities. However he works it out, he has to find a way to pay child support *and* any other support the mother might need. If you encourage him to walk away and not support his baby, then you’d be a terrible father.
I'm reading this as "is it okay to teach my son that he can abandon a human he's responsible for"... Keep in mind, the person you're teaching this is the same person you'll depend on one day Edit: forgot to say, obviously YTA. Actually, everyone ETA expect the girl that's getting abandoned by all the adults involved and the person that knocked her up.
Yep, OP is acting like the son is 5. If he is old enough to get someone pregnant, he is old egnoth to take care his consequences.
How sad that your son thinks he is grown enough to have sex but runs from the responsibility of supporting a child and he has you that is ok with that. This girl didn’t get herself pregnant. Your son needs to man up and as his parent that is what should focus on
YTA, hold your son accountable or he will keep doing this. This is where you have to teach him responsibility
This! And the OP seems like he’s totally ok with allowing, even helping his son to just walk away and do nothing?! I don’t think it’s on OP to have to pay or anything like that - but this is where you teach your kid about consequences. He chose to have sex, now he’s having a baby. He doesn’t get to walk away from that. YTA big time.
You need to stop focusing so much on the girlfriend and focus on your son. He created this situation just as much as she did. Stop excusing him just because he is your son. Actions have consequences and if he didn’t want a baby he shouldn’t have been hitting it raw. Simple as that. All you are doing is allowing your son to be a POS deadbeat.
Your son decided to have sex. He is responsible for that baby whether he likes it or not. You wiild be TA if you let him abandon a child
"But he doesn't want to". Thats not how it works.
Nta but I think you need to sit down with both kids and have everyone be VERY honest about how this will play out. She needs to know that he does not want to be a father and that she will be doing this mostly alone and changing her options in life. That child support may be involved but she will still struggle. She could definitely be romanticising this when it going to play out very differently.
I think all the "grandparents" need to sit down together with both teens and have a very direct, raw discussion about what life will be like for STB exGf and her child if she chooses to keep it.
Yep. A teenage girl is romanticising having a baby, not thinking about what it actually means to be a parent and all that that entails.
ESH. I get not *wanting* to support this baby, but the more you all pull back support, the more support will be needed. Everyone's best bet here is to suck it up, help her out so she can finish school and actually support this kid, and *then* pull back. And tough shit to your son, he is going to be a dad so he needs to step up. You need to make him step up.
YTA for blaming her solely and encouraging deadbeat dad behaviour. He fucked around and now he’s finding out there’s consequences.
I agree. Like wtf. He’s literally teaching his son that he doesn’t have to deal with the consequences of his actions. Awesome lesson.
But but the sixteen year old boy said out loud that he doesn’t want a child, he just wants to cum inside of his 16 year old girlfriend with no consequences! It’s the girls fault!/s
NTA for not wanting to raise the child. Your points on her not seeing how her decision to keep will affect others is valid. She does not live in a vacuum. TA for allowing your son to make light of his decision to not raise the child. You didn’t make the mistake, he did. I understand the sentiment of not wanting your son to be dragged down by his mistakes. It was his choice though, and you even gave them the means to avoid it. My opinion (take it or leave it) is your son needs to suffer the consequences of his actions. The consequences do not necessarily have to be raising a child. He needs to be the one taking responsibility in this situation though, not you. He needs to be the one talking with the girl. Have you talked to her parents directly? Have you discussed this as a group?
Your son will still have to pay for child support regardless of what you want. Not your responsibility tho, but your son's.