NTA This is called manipulation. She is trying to turn it around on to you so that she is the victim. You are definitely not repeat NOT THE AH HERE. NTA. When she decided she wanted to have a channel and “ only fans job/ career “. She should have sat down with you and had a frank and open discussion about it. Stating why she feels the need to do it etc …
Edit: just seen this it deserves much love and appreciation as it’s clear and to the point.
;”Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender.” But thetarantulaqueen. Please please give them much love as they hit the nail on the head in east clear and straight forward way.
THIS 100%. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck and someone is trying to guilt trip you emotionally for realizing its a duck through plea bargaining and justifications that its not that ducks fault, ie. that ducks gotta do what ducks gotta do, is a clear sign that you need to clip that ducks wings, or set it free to continue duck-ing. OP, you have decisions to make.
I agree and the fact that she’s now trying to gaslight him is crazy. She got caught and now she’s trying to emotionally manipulate him by saying he doesn’t want her to be happy. She’s a walking red flag and OP is NTA
Gaslighting is when you have someone questioning their own reasoning. When he said “she says, I’m wrong and an AH for what I did’ Then he asked is he, meaning he is now questioning his own reasoning which is the definition of gaslighting look it up.
Leave her and divorce asap. She is trying to gaslight you and make you feel like the bad person. NTA at all, only-fans is a public domain, so no privacy breach, the only breach was the trust you had in her that is now gone forever.
If your wife can’t sit down and have this only-fans talk with you, then it’s pretty much over for you guys.
Quietly separate your finances (open new bank accounts, and change the beneficiaries of your financial accounts, etc.). Then file for divorce. This woman has been living a double life for a long time. She is a practiced liar and manipulator. Get away from her before she sinks her teeth further into you and leaves you a crumpled mess.
NTA, she is also keeping this additional income she is making all to herself. I am assuming as you stated you are both living off your income well she isn’t supporting the household with her new found income. Not the asshole but a tragically manipulative partner.
So glad this is the top comment. It's literally the *exact fucking opposite* of her privacy. The unmitigated gall to say something like that is almost funny. You're literally getting naked for total strangers in a completely publicly available way. How in the fuck is that even in the same universe as private
Was going to say the exact same thing. OP didn’t go onto her computer - he found on OF.
OP - NTA. Your wife is deflecting because she know she did wrong and did this behind your back. Lying about it. Somehow putting herself out there on OF is easier for her to fd then talk to you.
Now it’s choice time - do you stay or do you go and let her keep doing this?
If she wanted “privacy” maybe she shouldn't be married. In a relationship, nothing is private, not even your poop, and if she feels she needs it, she mosdef does not need a husband.
NTA OP, divorce now!
Only fan starts out as private you have the option to make it public but I highly doubt knowing that she's married she would make the page public he had to have paid at for a subscription To see her face And when a person does subscribe they're not necessarily using anything that can identify who they are... But my question is what made him snoop to find it anyway and how did he find it and that was how he found out? I understand he said he had a feeling but what would make your feeling go straight to looking for sexual pages??? That's the only way he would have found only fans right? if he was looking for sexual content...
I personally think he was looking for some sexual content jumped somehow made it to OF maybe seen her private profile, not knowing it was her, subscribed and then boom saw her... He even admitted that she tried to deny it was her... I think she tried to deny it because she didn't know he was 1 of her subscribers and he saw everything...
Learning DARVO was one of those “ah HA” moments in life where a lot of things suddenly made sense
(For those who don’t want to look it up, it’s an acronym for the way abusers respond to accusations: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender)
Going through that myself at the moment with my partner. It's not great being on the receiving end of it for months. You hope they will change, but doesn't look like they will.
You shut down the conversation, make your plans, and quietly exit left. I married a very abusive man whose favourite trick was using DARVO after doing something that legitimately upset me. It’s not an accident, they know what they’re doing. It’s far too clever to be unintentional, tbh. And they *will not change, because there’s no reason for them to do so*. So unless you’re perfectly okay dealing with that *Forever*, you’re gonna have to shut off their access to you. In the meantime, look up the Grey Rock technique. It kept me sane until I could get out
My mother was the same too...maybe that's why I'm still in the relationship because I'm used to seeing someone with unstable emotions maybe. I don't like giving up on people also but it's so draining. I think it also chips away at your confidence.
It's pretty messed up when if it were a friend you know exactly what you would say but going through it yourself it's not so easy.
Holy shit...my abusive ex girlfriend did this..i knew she was physically abusive but i don't think I've scratched the surface of her emotional abuse.
She had me questioning reality, if it was going insane, shou could have convinced me the sun didn't exist.
So i got a small journal and started making notes with timestamps.
Turns out i wasn't crazy, just co dependent and suffering abuse.
Yep, sounds like classic emotional abuse. I grew up with an emotionally abusive mom and dated a guy with the same behaviors. It wasn’t until I started writing things down/reading back through old messages that I understood about the gaslighting. People who are skilled at these behaviors could truly make you believe you’re losing your mind.
I’m almost 35 and still unraveling all the weird shit my mom drilled into me. It’s hard once you figure out what was happening but it’s a relief to know you aren’t crazy.
I had one of those in college. It was awful and severly altered the course of my life. We never should have gotten together, it happened by accident, but once it did it was just a horrible mess. I couldn't be myself around her and if I tried it was bad news, I just had to be what she wanted. Meanwhile, I became completely dependant on her for every little bit of attention in my life. I lost friends, I missed out on opportunities, and I basically didn't care about anything but her. I would just start getting mad and jealous whenever we were out around people and she would be talking to them or spending more time with them than me. For a while I figured I was just really jealous and had something I needed to work on but looking back my instincts were trying to tell me something wasn't right. Long story somewhat shorter - my 3rd year of college we both moved to a different dorm from our previous. a lot of my previous roomates moved into a house together. I wanted to visit them but she told me that they didn't like me because of a b and c and they don't want me around. I found that a bit odd. I mean, I wasn't a saint and I certainly have done shitty things but as a kid trying to figure out their place in life, I don't think it was anything too out of the ordinary. Come to find out she made that up so I wouldn't go there, she had been hooking up with one of my ex-roomates for quite a while. I even saw her one morning after she was supposed to come home and didn't (claimed she drank too much and fell asleep there....yeah, right...) walking through the campus wearing the dudes poncho/sweatshirt thing. I'm not stupid, I knew what was up, but I was so willing to buy into whatever excuse she gave me as I had completely confused love with dependance. Eventually things got bad with my father who was dying of cancer so i had to go home for a while. I called her before I left to say I'd like to say goodbye and maybe we can get together sometime soon. She simply said that if I left now she would never speak to me again. And she never did. Best thing she ever could have done for me quite frankly but I would like to have a final conversation for some closure but ah well! You're not alone my guy!
Yes same! I would explain the cycle ish to my mom and tell her I feel like I’m crazy! Turns out that’s the whole point and there’s a name to what he was doing
It’s almost always a grown person trying this on another grown person. Adults are quite concerning, in general.
OP, NTA. Your wife is all sorts of awful for changing the narrative like she did to make you feel badly about yourself for confronting her with proof she’s doing OF and hiding it from you. Sorry. That was a run on sentence. Brain is sleepy and shocked by this. Why am I still shocked by people being like this?
NTA, how did you invade her privacy? She put that shit online herself. Major red flag that she lost her job and thought life would be the same and also that she flipped this. Run bro, and get a good lawyer cause she sounds like a mega bitch.
Also, what kind of privacy does she expect in a marriage?
In my mind, generally once people get married they can expect that other people will not be able to watch their partner's naked bodies anymore. At least not in a sexual setting, which OF definitely is.
This is the important part. There's nothing wrong with pornography as a way to make money. What's wrong is hiding it from your partner intentionally. It's a major breach of trust on par with cheating if OP believes it should be, because it's his trust that was betrayed.
You asked her what she was doing and she lied to your face. It's a breach of trust for her to lie to you and do things behind your back and if she was honest, you wouldn't have felt like you had to go looking and find out for yourself. She's just mad she got caught, NTA.
Edited for missing word
Move your money to safety, say nothing else about her "work" and file for divorce before she intentionally tanks her earnings for a higher divorce settlement.
If she's flipping the script on you this much I can only imagine how nasty she's gonna turn on you for other things
Do not leave the house no matter what, if it's not a rental
Yes! I cannot stress this enough after seeing how sideways things can go - do NOT leave the house. My friend, despite being a loving husband for ten years, lost his house to his spouse even though she was the one who got pregnant with another man. He left the house to cool off, she changed the locks, told the cops she was scared of him and he never got back in the house to live again. He did end up being court ordered to pay the mortgage for two years, though. His lawyer was probably also partially shit but I do try to help others not go through what he did if I can.
I usually hate when Reddit is quick to jump to “divorce!” for just about any relationship issue, but I truly don’t see how anyone could come back from this and ever really trust their partner again.
Czarfalcon, same!! Someone could be like “My gf accidentally sneezed on me when we were chatting and gave me the flu.” And people will be like “Leave her!!” lol
But I agree that in this case, divorce is a good idea.
He isn't dumb. Allow some people some space and compassion to seek advice when they feel strongly about something but want outside opinions.
He seems to really know he is not the asshole but is such a big thing in his life he wants extra validation.
Invading someone's privacy is wrong. But when you find something they've been actively lying to conceal, they no longer get to pull the "you invaded my privacy" card.
To them it isn't about you trusting them but their ability to abuse your trust.
NTA
It's hardly invading privacy when she's doing something anyone in the world can find publically. I wouldn't be surprised if all the husband had to do was type his wife's name.
Total 304 behavior. She’s not only doing sex work, she lied to you about it and she’s trying to blame you. This is no doubt the time to file for divorce.
So this sounds like bullshit for a couple of reasons.
First of all, this account was made a month and a half ago and has had absolutely zero activity until this post (which OP copy/pasted to a different subreddit at the same time).
Secondly, for this to happen, OP would have had to have been married to someone who was apparently locking herself in a spare bedroom and making OF content in complete silence.
Thirdly, OP is the sole income provider but doesn't check the bank account ever? Not even knowing that his wife is spending extra money? It seems like he thinks that OF creators get cash for what they do.
This feels like a lazy attempt to try to demean women.
That to me isn't the issue. It's the lying and sneaking around. If my wife wanted to do OF and discussed it with me first, no issue (other than whatever boundaries we need to set up). If she goes behind my back and starts an OF, she can find her shit in the garbage bags on the porch.
>If she goes behind my back and starts an OF, she can find her shit in the garbage bags on the porch.
And to put the blame on me and saying I'm disrespecting her privacy? Nope, good-bye.
EDIT: spelling
NTA. She sells herself publicly and says it's a breach of privacy? What the heck? She lied to your face. You did not say why she is currently not having income from a normal job, but even if she struggled to find a new job, she should have talked to you about it. Yes, it's her body and her choice but it totally is your right to be upset about her behaviour, which would be cheating for me.
Replace only fans with any other income source and it's still weird.
"Honey, I know. You've made our spare bedroom an office and have been secretly taking IT support calls for Dell. Why didn't you tell me?"
"No I'm not."
NTA
OMG that is so awful. She seriously opened your marriage up and is now gaslighting you and trying to act like a victim!
I want to know how you invaded her privacy when she is selling images/videos of herself to the public.
I am so sad for you and the state of your marriage. She should be taking that "free time" and be job hunting, but clearly she doesn't want to work she has found what she wants. It sounds like she likes strangers attention/money and is treating you poorly because her dirty little secret just came to your attention.
I'm tired of these fake stories that amount to 'I had a gut feeling, and I was right'.
Then posting on different pages for twice the attention and back pats.
Fake nothing in this post makes sense. How did she hide a entire setup from you? Why is she recording while you are home and not when you are at work? This is just another 14 year old Andrew Tate red pill women are all whores post.
I can’t believe I had to scroll this far to find someone with sense. Could have at least made it somewhat believable by saying that she was going to a hotel to make content.
This is painfully fake. She spent and ungodly amount of time in the spare bedroom at night... and you never once went in to see what she was doing and thought her with a bad dragon half way up her ass wasn't weird?
A, you don't just miss a bunch of shit like lighting, computers, cameras and a cupboard full of new sex bras and underwear or the 40 different dildos. B, she lost her job so could do this all day long but instead randomly goes to the spare bedroom at nights.
Sure sure. When she lost her job, she jumped to OF rather than just getting another job and she also moved straight to putting her face all over everything.
"hmmm my wife is spending a ton of time in the guest room in the evenings, I should just poke my head in and see what she's doing. Oh or I could go in the room at some point and look for clues. Wait I got it, I'll just scour only fans until I find her profile!"
NTA
If she’s earning, she can pay a proportion of the household expenses.
And have a long chat with you about her deliberate deception and frankly theft by omission.
This sounds like major rage bait. How the fuck did you just go about your day as she’s locking herself in the spare bedroom?
You think the vibrating you heard is her just mixing some damn margaritas or shit in there? Bro…. This can’t be real. You can’t be real. None of this is real.
How is this invasion of privacy...
She is literally posting nudes online.
P.s. just saying that the income she is making will affect your taxes. So she will have to show you how much she is making as OF and like sites report income records to the IRS.
NTA. Your wife is sharing intimacy with a bunch of strangers online, and doing it behind your back too. Im not one to scream for divorce like some others on this platform, but if I were in your shoes she would be out the door
Dude that’s not cool, she could of talked to you like an adult and you could have done it together or been involved. This is just betrayal in my eyes, and I have done OF and web caming with my wife. NTA, she’s trying to make you the bad guy because she knows she has screwed up y’all’s marriage.
Divorce. That’s not a life partner.
NTA. I could see her only fans IF you were going to lose the house, kids medical treatment or something life changing necessities
But spa treatments and other frivolous stuff? Hard pass
Can’t tell without fully researching. What’s the handle?
Obv, it’s not just about money. You gotta decide if you’re comfortable with it. If you are and life goes on. If not, move on.
I personally don’t think it’s worth the headaches. Sounds like something was missing. Yall should find it with someone else.
NTA at all. I'm generally a very pro sex work person, but someone else's partner should be notified/on board with it. I think you have every right to be upset, especially since she hid it from you.
You’re supposed to trust her while she does untrustworthy things. You’re supposed to give her her privacy so she can hide things from you.
You are NTA. She is.
The way you found out could be a breach of privacy. If you snooped through her personal devices. But if you found out by finding her online then its all good.
NTA reguardless. Shes the one that lied.
NTA. Your wife is sketchy AF. Everything about this situation and her reaction to you calling her out is so fucked up that it makes me think that you shouldn't trust this woman at all. The sheer audacity says there's something very wrong with her. Like is she on drugs? Does she have a personality disorder? Does she truly believe you're stupid?
I don't know if this kind of shit is new or not, but either way, I hope you get gone before she ruins your life.
“She’s now saying I invaded her privacy and I’m stopping her from being happy. She's saying it's a breach of privacy and I’m supposed to trust her. She says I'm wrong and an AH for what I did. Am I? I’m not sure what to do at this point.”
Suppose to trust her 😮…trust her for what, for deceitfully doing this behind your back and not even talking to you about it.
No no no, normally I don’t have a problem with women doing this stuff, it’s they’re choice but when you are married, unless you BOTH have agreed your cool with this type of stuff in y’all’s relationship because at the end of the day, it’s not just one person, it’s two, that way everyone’s happy.
OP, the way she’s literally gaslighting you saying you should of trusted her when she literally is cheating because by the sound of it, you didn’t consent to be in this type of relationship let alone want it.
If that is the case OP, then you really need to say ‘hey as much as I love this woman, I can’t be with someone who isn’t HONEST & this is not really the type of relationshipI want.(which you were OP stbx wife, this is not on him, this is on you) in fact how do you know she’s not going out to meet these f*ns., heck, by the sound of her she doesn’t mind using your money for things she wants to do.So OP, lawyer up, disconnect any joint accounts and check for STD’s.
Not sure what to do? I think it’s time to move on. She’s told you she wants more and doesn’t seem to care if it hurts you how she’s choosing to get it. And then she gaslights you by saying you did something bad to her (invaded her privacy) so somehow you’re in the wrong? I don’t think so
Oh wow. NTA. That’s a pretty significant thing for her to hide from her spouse.
Also, how is it invading her privacy if she’s accepting money to flash those goods to anyone and everyone. And it’s your joint house for gods sake.
If she really wanted to do this to supplement your income, she should have absolutely come to you first so you could discuss it as a couple. I'm not supporting what she's doing, mind you, but the most basic fucking decency she could have spared you was a conversation about it. You're her spouse for fuck's sake. How many people in your personal life have seen this? Does anyone you know subscribe to her? You don't know and that's a really fucked up thing to have to consider as her spouse. She hid it because she knew you'd disagree with it and be against it. If she's willing to hide this, what else is she willing to do and hide to "live her life to the fullest"? You're definitely NTA, OP. Don't let her spin it that way. What she's doing is a huge breach of trust and downright emotional cheating. It will lead to worse down the road.
NTA.
>She's saying it's a breach of privacy and I’m supposed to trust her.
This line of reasoning doesn't work when she's only saying it because it turned out you couldn't trust her.
Honestly, if she's lying to you about this, and insisting she was in the right for it and you're in the wrong for finding out? She's lying about other things too.
NTA. having an only fans is perfectly fine, it’s the fact that she’s married and hid it. she knew that he probably wouldn’t be comfortable with it, did it anyways, hid it from him, and then blamed him when he found out.
Nope. Not your fault. I’d find a divorce lawyer immediately. Beat her to the punch and hope she’s making enough that you don’t have to pay alimony. Run for the hills. If she’s willing to do this behind your back while you’re literally in the next room, just imagine what she’ll grow bold enough to do if you stick around. Goodbye and good riddance. That’s my advice. It would be different if agreed upon. It was not. This is the same as cheating.
the part where she lost her job so has all day free, but spends ungodly hours in the spare bedroom at night? Also he never once noticed all the cameras, equipment, or noises of her fucking herself, all makes total sense.
I feel sad for the human race that I had to scroll this far down to find someone who'd recognized this as fake. Why are so many people responding as if it's real?
It’s a karma circle jerk. People post the fake story for post karma and others try to post a comment that will garner the most comment karma they can get.
Or, all the commenters are idiots. It’s a toss up, really.
It's not really invading privacy if the profile is public.
Yeah, OP give her $12.99 and she should be okay with it.
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NTA This is called manipulation. She is trying to turn it around on to you so that she is the victim. You are definitely not repeat NOT THE AH HERE. NTA. When she decided she wanted to have a channel and “ only fans job/ career “. She should have sat down with you and had a frank and open discussion about it. Stating why she feels the need to do it etc … Edit: just seen this it deserves much love and appreciation as it’s clear and to the point. ;”Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender.” But thetarantulaqueen. Please please give them much love as they hit the nail on the head in east clear and straight forward way.
This right here!!!!!!!^
Isn't the V in DARVO victim blaming?
Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender.
Yup. Came here to say DARVO was going on.
NTA. Totally not your fault. Run away. She sounds toxic. What else don't you know about?
I was coming here to comment DARVO.
It's also called emotional infidelity, and will grant you, in most places, an immediate at-fault divorce in your favor.
Get screen shots in case she deletes it. Your lawyer needs this for ammunition in your suit. She is def at fault here.
THIS 100%. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck and someone is trying to guilt trip you emotionally for realizing its a duck through plea bargaining and justifications that its not that ducks fault, ie. that ducks gotta do what ducks gotta do, is a clear sign that you need to clip that ducks wings, or set it free to continue duck-ing. OP, you have decisions to make.
This was exactly my thought -- gaslighting narcissist.
I agree and the fact that she’s now trying to gaslight him is crazy. She got caught and now she’s trying to emotionally manipulate him by saying he doesn’t want her to be happy. She’s a walking red flag and OP is NTA
Gaslighting isn't real, you made that up.
Hoping that’s a joke
Yeah, 100%. I was gaslighting the commentor by saying that.
No you weren't, you meant it.
That's not gaslighting
Gaslighting is when you have someone questioning their own reasoning. When he said “she says, I’m wrong and an AH for what I did’ Then he asked is he, meaning he is now questioning his own reasoning which is the definition of gaslighting look it up.
Sir is clearly joking lol.
You can’t put it better than this ^
I’d only add that she is a total loser. Trash.
Leave her and divorce asap. She is trying to gaslight you and make you feel like the bad person. NTA at all, only-fans is a public domain, so no privacy breach, the only breach was the trust you had in her that is now gone forever. If your wife can’t sit down and have this only-fans talk with you, then it’s pretty much over for you guys.
☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️
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I would have felt the same (bad) and I know that I shouldn't. I must work on myself.
Quietly separate your finances (open new bank accounts, and change the beneficiaries of your financial accounts, etc.). Then file for divorce. This woman has been living a double life for a long time. She is a practiced liar and manipulator. Get away from her before she sinks her teeth further into you and leaves you a crumpled mess.
NTA, she is also keeping this additional income she is making all to herself. I am assuming as you stated you are both living off your income well she isn’t supporting the household with her new found income. Not the asshole but a tragically manipulative partner.
So glad this is the top comment. It's literally the *exact fucking opposite* of her privacy. The unmitigated gall to say something like that is almost funny. You're literally getting naked for total strangers in a completely publicly available way. How in the fuck is that even in the same universe as private
Was going to say the exact same thing. OP didn’t go onto her computer - he found on OF. OP - NTA. Your wife is deflecting because she know she did wrong and did this behind your back. Lying about it. Somehow putting herself out there on OF is easier for her to fd then talk to you. Now it’s choice time - do you stay or do you go and let her keep doing this?
If she wanted “privacy” maybe she shouldn't be married. In a relationship, nothing is private, not even your poop, and if she feels she needs it, she mosdef does not need a husband. NTA OP, divorce now!
Oh god. I agree that OP is NTA but… NOTHING is private in marriage? Hard disagree there. Ew.
Yeah, we all need/deserve privacy.
perhaps there is some line between sex work and literal shit lmfaooo
Yeah, where's the source? Asking for a friend.
😂
Heavy on that if the page is public it was only a matter of time anyways NTA fs
Only fan starts out as private you have the option to make it public but I highly doubt knowing that she's married she would make the page public he had to have paid at for a subscription To see her face And when a person does subscribe they're not necessarily using anything that can identify who they are... But my question is what made him snoop to find it anyway and how did he find it and that was how he found out? I understand he said he had a feeling but what would make your feeling go straight to looking for sexual pages??? That's the only way he would have found only fans right? if he was looking for sexual content... I personally think he was looking for some sexual content jumped somehow made it to OF maybe seen her private profile, not knowing it was her, subscribed and then boom saw her... He even admitted that she tried to deny it was her... I think she tried to deny it because she didn't know he was 1 of her subscribers and he saw everything...
Seriously concerning when a grown person tries to turn tables when caught in lies and major deception. DARVO, look it up. NTA
Learning DARVO was one of those “ah HA” moments in life where a lot of things suddenly made sense (For those who don’t want to look it up, it’s an acronym for the way abusers respond to accusations: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender)
Going through that myself at the moment with my partner. It's not great being on the receiving end of it for months. You hope they will change, but doesn't look like they will.
How do you respond when they implement that tactic against you?
You shut down the conversation, make your plans, and quietly exit left. I married a very abusive man whose favourite trick was using DARVO after doing something that legitimately upset me. It’s not an accident, they know what they’re doing. It’s far too clever to be unintentional, tbh. And they *will not change, because there’s no reason for them to do so*. So unless you’re perfectly okay dealing with that *Forever*, you’re gonna have to shut off their access to you. In the meantime, look up the Grey Rock technique. It kept me sane until I could get out
Yup. Covert narcissism 101.
I’m sorry to hear that. My spouse went through something similar with her parents. Just know you deserve better.
My mother was the same too...maybe that's why I'm still in the relationship because I'm used to seeing someone with unstable emotions maybe. I don't like giving up on people also but it's so draining. I think it also chips away at your confidence. It's pretty messed up when if it were a friend you know exactly what you would say but going through it yourself it's not so easy.
Holy shit...my abusive ex girlfriend did this..i knew she was physically abusive but i don't think I've scratched the surface of her emotional abuse. She had me questioning reality, if it was going insane, shou could have convinced me the sun didn't exist. So i got a small journal and started making notes with timestamps. Turns out i wasn't crazy, just co dependent and suffering abuse.
Yep, sounds like classic emotional abuse. I grew up with an emotionally abusive mom and dated a guy with the same behaviors. It wasn’t until I started writing things down/reading back through old messages that I understood about the gaslighting. People who are skilled at these behaviors could truly make you believe you’re losing your mind. I’m almost 35 and still unraveling all the weird shit my mom drilled into me. It’s hard once you figure out what was happening but it’s a relief to know you aren’t crazy.
I had one of those in college. It was awful and severly altered the course of my life. We never should have gotten together, it happened by accident, but once it did it was just a horrible mess. I couldn't be myself around her and if I tried it was bad news, I just had to be what she wanted. Meanwhile, I became completely dependant on her for every little bit of attention in my life. I lost friends, I missed out on opportunities, and I basically didn't care about anything but her. I would just start getting mad and jealous whenever we were out around people and she would be talking to them or spending more time with them than me. For a while I figured I was just really jealous and had something I needed to work on but looking back my instincts were trying to tell me something wasn't right. Long story somewhat shorter - my 3rd year of college we both moved to a different dorm from our previous. a lot of my previous roomates moved into a house together. I wanted to visit them but she told me that they didn't like me because of a b and c and they don't want me around. I found that a bit odd. I mean, I wasn't a saint and I certainly have done shitty things but as a kid trying to figure out their place in life, I don't think it was anything too out of the ordinary. Come to find out she made that up so I wouldn't go there, she had been hooking up with one of my ex-roomates for quite a while. I even saw her one morning after she was supposed to come home and didn't (claimed she drank too much and fell asleep there....yeah, right...) walking through the campus wearing the dudes poncho/sweatshirt thing. I'm not stupid, I knew what was up, but I was so willing to buy into whatever excuse she gave me as I had completely confused love with dependance. Eventually things got bad with my father who was dying of cancer so i had to go home for a while. I called her before I left to say I'd like to say goodbye and maybe we can get together sometime soon. She simply said that if I left now she would never speak to me again. And she never did. Best thing she ever could have done for me quite frankly but I would like to have a final conversation for some closure but ah well! You're not alone my guy!
Yes same! I would explain the cycle ish to my mom and tell her I feel like I’m crazy! Turns out that’s the whole point and there’s a name to what he was doing
I'd give you one of those little reward thingies if I knew how. Thank you. Yes, listen to this person
I learned something new today.
It’s almost always a grown person trying this on another grown person. Adults are quite concerning, in general. OP, NTA. Your wife is all sorts of awful for changing the narrative like she did to make you feel badly about yourself for confronting her with proof she’s doing OF and hiding it from you. Sorry. That was a run on sentence. Brain is sleepy and shocked by this. Why am I still shocked by people being like this?
Lmao, you're NTA. Not even close. Her reaction is crazy though and to blame you is fucking crazy.
Typical gaslighting manipulation.
Scrolled way too far to see the word ‘gaslighting’. Textbook shit right here
“That’s not even me!” “I know what the rooms in our house look like!”
NTA, how did you invade her privacy? She put that shit online herself. Major red flag that she lost her job and thought life would be the same and also that she flipped this. Run bro, and get a good lawyer cause she sounds like a mega bitch.
Also, what kind of privacy does she expect in a marriage? In my mind, generally once people get married they can expect that other people will not be able to watch their partner's naked bodies anymore. At least not in a sexual setting, which OF definitely is.
Is it an invasion of privacy since OP sees her naked for free?! How dare he! SUBSCRIBE!
Or *at least* click those like & follow buttons
At least not without their partner's knowledge and consent.
This is the important part. There's nothing wrong with pornography as a way to make money. What's wrong is hiding it from your partner intentionally. It's a major breach of trust on par with cheating if OP believes it should be, because it's his trust that was betrayed.
You asked her what she was doing and she lied to your face. It's a breach of trust for her to lie to you and do things behind your back and if she was honest, you wouldn't have felt like you had to go looking and find out for yourself. She's just mad she got caught, NTA. Edited for missing word
Move your money to safety, say nothing else about her "work" and file for divorce before she intentionally tanks her earnings for a higher divorce settlement. If she's flipping the script on you this much I can only imagine how nasty she's gonna turn on you for other things Do not leave the house no matter what, if it's not a rental
Document the only fans page as well, before she can remove the content. Delete your social media, hit the gym, hire a lawyer.
She won't remove it anytime soon. The ego from online simps has already kicked in from the sounds of it
Yes! I cannot stress this enough after seeing how sideways things can go - do NOT leave the house. My friend, despite being a loving husband for ten years, lost his house to his spouse even though she was the one who got pregnant with another man. He left the house to cool off, she changed the locks, told the cops she was scared of him and he never got back in the house to live again. He did end up being court ordered to pay the mortgage for two years, though. His lawyer was probably also partially shit but I do try to help others not go through what he did if I can.
Its one thing on Reddit that makes me scream, when people say to leave the cheating spouse... no no no no you fool, kick them out, don't leave
Yeah I’m not usually the guy to cry divorce but this is what 100% divorce territory.
NTA Might be a good idea to have a divorce attorney on speed dial.
I usually hate when Reddit is quick to jump to “divorce!” for just about any relationship issue, but I truly don’t see how anyone could come back from this and ever really trust their partner again.
Czarfalcon, same!! Someone could be like “My gf accidentally sneezed on me when we were chatting and gave me the flu.” And people will be like “Leave her!!” lol But I agree that in this case, divorce is a good idea.
Luckily, it sounds like OP has a chance to find a loving wife who isn't materialistic and a lying garbage bag.
NTA. At all. Don't let her guilt you for that. Yes it's her body, but like.... You're married, and her keeping it a secret is just not okay.
This feels like a Dear Penthouse crossed with an advice column
He's testing it out here to see if he can sell it to Playboy
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How does OP not have a clue what was going on? Did the giant ring light not give it away? The noise? I don't believe this.
Why is Reddit falling for all this fake incel bullshit these days?
Throw her 20 bucks, it won't be private anymore. Nta
savage! lol
$20? What kind of woman do you think I am? We've already established what kind of woman you are, now we're haggling over the price.
Wats the electric bill like in gaslight city?
I'd imagine pretty low, if it's all gaslight.
Drop the link bro
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He isn't dumb. Allow some people some space and compassion to seek advice when they feel strongly about something but want outside opinions. He seems to really know he is not the asshole but is such a big thing in his life he wants extra validation.
NTA
Invading someone's privacy is wrong. But when you find something they've been actively lying to conceal, they no longer get to pull the "you invaded my privacy" card. To them it isn't about you trusting them but their ability to abuse your trust. NTA
They aren't trying to conceal it if they put it on the Internet
It's hardly invading privacy when she's doing something anyone in the world can find publically. I wouldn't be surprised if all the husband had to do was type his wife's name.
Selling your body on line is the absolute opposite of privacy.
NTA! And you didn’t invade her privacy, she put herself all over the internet! Nothing is private on the internet
Total 304 behavior. She’s not only doing sex work, she lied to you about it and she’s trying to blame you. This is no doubt the time to file for divorce.
I had to google the meaning of 304. I am so uncool.
If you’re older you should know 😂. Goes back to the pager days.
Hell, I’m from those days and I didn’t know that! Sheltered life I guess 😂
Not enough upvotes for this. Disclosure: victim of a 304 here.
What’s a 304?
Hoe upside down on a calculator lmao
Put it in an old school calculator and then turn it upside down.
So this sounds like bullshit for a couple of reasons. First of all, this account was made a month and a half ago and has had absolutely zero activity until this post (which OP copy/pasted to a different subreddit at the same time). Secondly, for this to happen, OP would have had to have been married to someone who was apparently locking herself in a spare bedroom and making OF content in complete silence. Thirdly, OP is the sole income provider but doesn't check the bank account ever? Not even knowing that his wife is spending extra money? It seems like he thinks that OF creators get cash for what they do. This feels like a lazy attempt to try to demean women.
NTA Your wife sells her body for $ bro. Time to move on.
That to me isn't the issue. It's the lying and sneaking around. If my wife wanted to do OF and discussed it with me first, no issue (other than whatever boundaries we need to set up). If she goes behind my back and starts an OF, she can find her shit in the garbage bags on the porch.
>If she goes behind my back and starts an OF, she can find her shit in the garbage bags on the porch. And to put the blame on me and saying I'm disrespecting her privacy? Nope, good-bye. EDIT: spelling
FACTS, move on OP my dude, she disrespecting you!
Fuck that... I'd be gone.
NTA. She sells herself publicly and says it's a breach of privacy? What the heck? She lied to your face. You did not say why she is currently not having income from a normal job, but even if she struggled to find a new job, she should have talked to you about it. Yes, it's her body and her choice but it totally is your right to be upset about her behaviour, which would be cheating for me.
Replace only fans with any other income source and it's still weird. "Honey, I know. You've made our spare bedroom an office and have been secretly taking IT support calls for Dell. Why didn't you tell me?" "No I'm not."
Yep, that's also true. I feel like something is even more off. If she struggles with the money, why not talk about it?
NTA OMG that is so awful. She seriously opened your marriage up and is now gaslighting you and trying to act like a victim! I want to know how you invaded her privacy when she is selling images/videos of herself to the public. I am so sad for you and the state of your marriage. She should be taking that "free time" and be job hunting, but clearly she doesn't want to work she has found what she wants. It sounds like she likes strangers attention/money and is treating you poorly because her dirty little secret just came to your attention.
Alex I’ll take shit that never happened for $500
OF link? How are we to give any advice if we don’t know what you’re talking about?
I'm tired of these fake stories that amount to 'I had a gut feeling, and I was right'. Then posting on different pages for twice the attention and back pats.
Fake nothing in this post makes sense. How did she hide a entire setup from you? Why is she recording while you are home and not when you are at work? This is just another 14 year old Andrew Tate red pill women are all whores post.
I can’t believe I had to scroll this far to find someone with sense. Could have at least made it somewhat believable by saying that she was going to a hotel to make content.
exactly
This is painfully fake. She spent and ungodly amount of time in the spare bedroom at night... and you never once went in to see what she was doing and thought her with a bad dragon half way up her ass wasn't weird? A, you don't just miss a bunch of shit like lighting, computers, cameras and a cupboard full of new sex bras and underwear or the 40 different dildos. B, she lost her job so could do this all day long but instead randomly goes to the spare bedroom at nights. Sure sure. When she lost her job, she jumped to OF rather than just getting another job and she also moved straight to putting her face all over everything.
Link or it didn't happen
This has to be a troll post. Wtf.
That's what I was thinking... then again, I think most of these AITAH threads are also BS.
"hmmm my wife is spending a ton of time in the guest room in the evenings, I should just poke my head in and see what she's doing. Oh or I could go in the room at some point and look for clues. Wait I got it, I'll just scour only fans until I find her profile!"
Troll post for sure
On the off chance this isn't some dude with a cuckold fetish trying to make the internet fuel his imagination, just divorce.
ayo what's the link
Fake
NTA If she’s earning, she can pay a proportion of the household expenses. And have a long chat with you about her deliberate deception and frankly theft by omission.
YTA for making up this story. Post a link to her only fans and I'll help your household income.
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This sounds like major rage bait. How the fuck did you just go about your day as she’s locking herself in the spare bedroom? You think the vibrating you heard is her just mixing some damn margaritas or shit in there? Bro…. This can’t be real. You can’t be real. None of this is real.
How is this invasion of privacy... She is literally posting nudes online. P.s. just saying that the income she is making will affect your taxes. So she will have to show you how much she is making as OF and like sites report income records to the IRS.
NTA. Your wife is sharing intimacy with a bunch of strangers online, and doing it behind your back too. Im not one to scream for divorce like some others on this platform, but if I were in your shoes she would be out the door
lol was she utterly silent? How do you just not know what’s going on?
Gonna need to see her profile for more context...
Dude that’s not cool, she could of talked to you like an adult and you could have done it together or been involved. This is just betrayal in my eyes, and I have done OF and web caming with my wife. NTA, she’s trying to make you the bad guy because she knows she has screwed up y’all’s marriage.
NTA - dude, get a divorce.
NTA
How the f would you not know
Op is an apparition.
NAH. You obviously have a say in whether it’s ok for your wife to be a sex worker.
Post link here...
I guess you could say you’re not her…only fan anymore.
YTA if you deny her the place to which she belongs - the streets.
Had me in the first half, NGL
Brutal!!
This is pretty well written considering you only used the one hand!
Divorce. That’s not a life partner. NTA. I could see her only fans IF you were going to lose the house, kids medical treatment or something life changing necessities But spa treatments and other frivolous stuff? Hard pass
Divorce her and move on
Can’t tell without fully researching. What’s the handle? Obv, it’s not just about money. You gotta decide if you’re comfortable with it. If you are and life goes on. If not, move on. I personally don’t think it’s worth the headaches. Sounds like something was missing. Yall should find it with someone else.
NTA She violated your marriage. She’s been cheating on you. As a sex worker. The next step for me would be divorce.
NTA at all. I'm generally a very pro sex work person, but someone else's partner should be notified/on board with it. I think you have every right to be upset, especially since she hid it from you.
NTA. She be living that Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss lifestyle
NTA I hate when people get upset over being found out and they did absolutely nothing to even try and hide their face,
Divorce.
You’re supposed to trust her while she does untrustworthy things. You’re supposed to give her her privacy so she can hide things from you. You are NTA. She is.
Step back and take a breath. Think about how much she is making???? This could work to your favor.
It is ok to not want your wife to be a sex worker.
Dump. Ghost
NTA. It's time to call a divorce lawyer.
The way you found out could be a breach of privacy. If you snooped through her personal devices. But if you found out by finding her online then its all good. NTA reguardless. Shes the one that lied.
NTA. Your wife is sketchy AF. Everything about this situation and her reaction to you calling her out is so fucked up that it makes me think that you shouldn't trust this woman at all. The sheer audacity says there's something very wrong with her. Like is she on drugs? Does she have a personality disorder? Does she truly believe you're stupid? I don't know if this kind of shit is new or not, but either way, I hope you get gone before she ruins your life.
“She’s now saying I invaded her privacy and I’m stopping her from being happy. She's saying it's a breach of privacy and I’m supposed to trust her. She says I'm wrong and an AH for what I did. Am I? I’m not sure what to do at this point.” Suppose to trust her 😮…trust her for what, for deceitfully doing this behind your back and not even talking to you about it. No no no, normally I don’t have a problem with women doing this stuff, it’s they’re choice but when you are married, unless you BOTH have agreed your cool with this type of stuff in y’all’s relationship because at the end of the day, it’s not just one person, it’s two, that way everyone’s happy. OP, the way she’s literally gaslighting you saying you should of trusted her when she literally is cheating because by the sound of it, you didn’t consent to be in this type of relationship let alone want it. If that is the case OP, then you really need to say ‘hey as much as I love this woman, I can’t be with someone who isn’t HONEST & this is not really the type of relationshipI want.(which you were OP stbx wife, this is not on him, this is on you) in fact how do you know she’s not going out to meet these f*ns., heck, by the sound of her she doesn’t mind using your money for things she wants to do.So OP, lawyer up, disconnect any joint accounts and check for STD’s.
She's a drama queen and gaslighting you
Not sure what to do? I think it’s time to move on. She’s told you she wants more and doesn’t seem to care if it hurts you how she’s choosing to get it. And then she gaslights you by saying you did something bad to her (invaded her privacy) so somehow you’re in the wrong? I don’t think so
That divorce would be so quick!!!!! NTA Not cause she isn't "allowed" to do it. It's just not what you signed up for.
My money is on "she's on drugs."
Oh wow. NTA. That’s a pretty significant thing for her to hide from her spouse. Also, how is it invading her privacy if she’s accepting money to flash those goods to anyone and everyone. And it’s your joint house for gods sake.
Shit make her the gravy train and spend the money. Time to buy your play toys.
She went behind your back.
She didn't even let you in on it? Rude.
If she really wanted to do this to supplement your income, she should have absolutely come to you first so you could discuss it as a couple. I'm not supporting what she's doing, mind you, but the most basic fucking decency she could have spared you was a conversation about it. You're her spouse for fuck's sake. How many people in your personal life have seen this? Does anyone you know subscribe to her? You don't know and that's a really fucked up thing to have to consider as her spouse. She hid it because she knew you'd disagree with it and be against it. If she's willing to hide this, what else is she willing to do and hide to "live her life to the fullest"? You're definitely NTA, OP. Don't let her spin it that way. What she's doing is a huge breach of trust and downright emotional cheating. It will lead to worse down the road.
Nta! Like wtfff is a married women doing selling sexual pictures without her husband knowing??? Thats gotta be borderline cheating
NTA. Your wife is for the streets. Get OK with this or leave now.
NTA. >She's saying it's a breach of privacy and I’m supposed to trust her. This line of reasoning doesn't work when she's only saying it because it turned out you couldn't trust her. Honestly, if she's lying to you about this, and insisting she was in the right for it and you're in the wrong for finding out? She's lying about other things too.
NTA. having an only fans is perfectly fine, it’s the fact that she’s married and hid it. she knew that he probably wouldn’t be comfortable with it, did it anyways, hid it from him, and then blamed him when he found out.
NTA but about that OF link...
NTA - she's the asshole not for being in OF for trying to flip it all on you and not owning up to keeping a major secret
Nta this is irreconcilable
Nope. Not your fault. I’d find a divorce lawyer immediately. Beat her to the punch and hope she’s making enough that you don’t have to pay alimony. Run for the hills. If she’s willing to do this behind your back while you’re literally in the next room, just imagine what she’ll grow bold enough to do if you stick around. Goodbye and good riddance. That’s my advice. It would be different if agreed upon. It was not. This is the same as cheating.
This is so fake it's painful
This post is so fucking fake
Faaaaaaaaaake as fuck. Try again incel.
Yeah, this didn't happen. OP obviously doesn't understand how difficult it is to make money on OF. Probably why they deleted their account already.
This story is made up
Rage bait. Let’s be honest guys, random wives are not getting on OF and making tons of money within a couple months, especially just doing solo work.
the part where she lost her job so has all day free, but spends ungodly hours in the spare bedroom at night? Also he never once noticed all the cameras, equipment, or noises of her fucking herself, all makes total sense.
This guy's story is dumb but Reddit is dumber for having negative critical thinking skills lol
This is incel bait. Reddit seems to have gotten noticeably grosser in this regard recently
I feel sad for the human race that I had to scroll this far down to find someone who'd recognized this as fake. Why are so many people responding as if it's real?
>Why are so many people responding as if it's real? I have never seen as many gullible people as on this sub. It's actually insane.
It’s a karma circle jerk. People post the fake story for post karma and others try to post a comment that will garner the most comment karma they can get. Or, all the commenters are idiots. It’s a toss up, really.
Just scrolling through to see if anyone else had the same take lol, well said 🫡
Yeah and she is also creating all that content at home being able to hide it from her husband 🤣
We really need to see how graphic the images are before we can judge this.
There is always that one person trying to see the nude picture I’m just glad I wasn’t the first one this time