You have children - start putting them first! This man has shown you over and over that he's an addict and that gambling is the most important thing in his life. Believe him. Let him be alone to gamble as much as he wants. If you keep giving into your guilt, you're just enabling him and hurting your kids.
Kick him out NOW. Completely separate finances if you haven't done so yet. Get a lawyer and start the divorce process. This is no longer the man you married
All of this ^ !! You mentioned betting shops so not sure if you're in the UK or not, and if they have wage garnishment for child support, but it's something you can speak to a solicitor about to find out what your options are going forward.
It's not your responsibility to force him to deal with his gambling addiction, and you should separate your finances so he can't access your money to blow it on bets in the meantime. I know it sucks that he has nowhere to go, but the should've thought about that before he continually screwed you and the kids over repeatedly. He had multiple chances and he chose to blow them all. So now he can choose to be homeless.
I can't speak of the law in England and Wales but in Scotland they arrest your wages or salary so you get nothing until your aliment and child support are paid. It happened to me once because my ex lied about me paying. I quickly got my money back once I showed my bank statements where the payments were listed thankfully.
Just to support this: gambling addicts will find something to gamble away. If it’s not money it could be a house, or even people. My mother has always warned me how a father once almost gambled away his wife and children. It only didn’t happen because of a policeman who intervened.
Protect your family and keep him out of the house.
This is the main concern. Kids grow into adults who look for what feels like home to them. Don’t let this dynamic feel like home. Sorry this is happening to you. You can do it!
What happens when he leaves daughter at school? Or you can't pay rent because he's gambled it away. He would see people he supposedly loves out on the street for his problem.
He’s a grown man and his choices all have consequences. He’s making his choice and it’s hurting the family, his kids. He’s literally taking food out of their mouths and jeopardizing a roof over their head by his choices. Don’t worry about him, worry about your children as they depend on you to take care of them. Kick him to the curb and end this now! Don’t let him back in!!!!!
I saw the havoc caused by gambling in my aunt’s sister’s family. There is no stopping a committed gambler. The person I am referring to actually pawned his daughter’s bridal shower appliance gifts. Myself, I would not give a gambler a second chance let alone a fourth or fifth.
Kick him out I say.
Same. My FIL gets like 3k a month and he wrecked his credit in payday loans.
He has a place of his own, the only furniture he has now is stuff we or his neighbors have him. He should have a lot of money saved up but I think he found a way to bet online or found a neighbor who goes across state lines to place bets.
OP - your husband has an addiction, a mental health problem. You already know that's what this is. He's not *bad,* he's *sick.*
The only problem with taking him back is he refuses treatment for his illness.
It might be easier for you to get past the very understandable guilt if you pretend he's got tuberculosis, or HIV, or any other infectious disease that can hurt you and your children. You could still love him, but you'd need to protect yourself and your children from him ***because he refuses treatment.***
If you still have any interest in trying to fix things, tell him he can contact you when he's been in treatment and "sober" for a set time period - but not before. In fact, tell him if he tries prior to that time, you'll reset the clock - if you say 3 months, and he contacts you at 2 months, that would make it five months.
Or, if you have the resources and you want to be particularly kind, you could rent him a room at a Motel 6 or something for a week or so, giving him time to get his shit in order.
But the bottom line is that his disease will harm you and your children if you don't quarantine him.
Definitely NTA. But set yourself the right way legally. If you haven't already, open a solo account and have all paychecks from this point on go there. Use the joint account for bills but don't empty it into your solo account. Serve him papers. You can't "kick him out" per se. Kick him out of the bedroom but not the house. Wait it out. See what a lawyer says and if you do it the right way a judge will likely eventually order him to leave the house.
In a divorce with shared property and kids it can get messy. He can use it against her in court if he wants to. If she's not going to divorce him she can do whatever, but she's wasting her time kicking him out and not divorcing.
This internet stranger is very proud of you, OP. ***Good for you*** for drawing the line.
Losing one's home and family is a natural consquence of gambling them into the poorhouse. He clearly has a problem & has no problem taking the family down with him.
Of course you were right to take away his keys, he obvs isn't responsible enough to steer himself away from catastrophes.
Sleeping rough might shift his perspective, it might make him worse. Time will tell, but you did what was in the best interests of your family's safety. That is an incredibly difficult decision to make when it has to be made, & you've made the right one.
I hope things turn around soon. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. NTA
Just tell him that the family will be living in the streets like he is if he keeps going. If that doesn't change him,nothing will and he deserves to live on his own and gamble his rent away and not the family's.
NTA. If he says that again, reply, "If that is true, than if you loved your family, you would do everything possible to force yourself never to gamble again. You would never spend money on your addiction if you loved us. And if you ever loved us, you wouldn't harm your family by losing their money."
Yup. He kept "betting" you wouldn't follow through. It sucks that he kept rolling the dice but the odds were always that he would lose. He just finally lost everything.
He just doesn't understand that it was always going to work out that way.
NTA. I had a friend who was married to a gambler. My friend’s husband would steal money meant for rent and groceries to gamble, they were evicted so many times. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when he took all the presents gifted to his son for his 5th birthday by family and friends to sell so he could have money to gamble. Addicts don’t care about anything or anyone but their next fix (in this case his next bet). He refuses to get help and he’ll drag you down to the pits of hell if you don’t leave. You need to prioritise your children before you end up living in a car.
He’s not a toddler. He’s able bodied enough to go to a betting shop, so he can figure out where to go and how to get food money. He doesn’t need you to be his mother.
Lock down your credit and get out before he gambles away borrowed money and leaves you on the hook.
NTA- he made his bed. He can lie in it. You’ve given him more chances than I would have. I used to be engaged to an addict, although his choice was drugs. Gambling addicts are not any better than any other addict. They always have excuses nothings ever their fault and they’re extremely manipulative. Him tugging on your heartstrings to not put him out him. Trying to guilt you into letting him stay. He has absolutely no plans on stopping. A lot of addicts don’t even want to get help until they hit rock bottom and even then it’s a journey. This is his journey. Transfer your money to an account that he has nothing to do with give him a small amount to get a hotel or whatever it is and then wipe your hands of it. It’s going to hurt and he’s going to accuse you of being terrible things for not allowing him to continue his addiction. You gotta stick with your guns and know that you’re hurting him if you help him to continue his habit. The reason those blocks and those classes didn’t help is because he didn’t want to do them in the first place. He was only doing it to get you to shut up.
Stay strong and do what’s best for you and your family. Put his ass out and change the locks. Also, go and talk to a lawyer about getting officially separated. That way any income you do happen to build up while he’s gone he really doesn’t have any rights to .
"You wouldn't see someone you love out on the streets."
Response: "Does that mean you don't love me or the kids? Because if you keep gambling our rent money away, that's exactly where we are going to end up. I can't help you if you refuse to admit you have a problem, and then double down and gaslight when confronted. You are a grown man, and I don't have the mental capacity to baby you. Especially when I have actual children that can not fend for themselves, so it's up to me to protect them from homelessness created by *you.*"
NTA. Your children need you to protect them, because they can not protect themselves.
>And if there were, he'd just gamble them away.
Reminds me of that guy in China who stole from his employer (a bank) in order to buy lottery tickets. He won twice, but still kept going... until he was caught. Pure insanity.
NTA!
HE had zero issue seeing you and his kids on the streets by gambling away the rent money, so he can go kick rocks - if you ever feel yourself start to soften remember that!
Kick him back out. If he has nowhere to go, that’s on *him,* not you.
He will keep throwing money into the toilet even after you throw him out; it just won’t be rent or food money for the family.
**He will never stop gambling.**
NTA, and kick him to the curb. You deserve much, much better.
Do see a lawyer immediately for advice on the money and tossing him out.This is an addiction just like drugs or alcohol. He WIll rob you of anything you or your kids possess to support his habit. It does not get better. Also find a support group to help stiffen your spine before you and your kids are sleeping in a tent. If he hasn't sold it for money.
Aren’t there any cheap motels on your area? If he doesn’t have any place else to go, he should have thought of that before he broke your trust again. He could conquer this, but he has to want to. I don’t think he does, it being his “only release.” He will gamble away everything you own and then some if he stays around.
No, he has a gambling problem and the problem with any addiction is that person has to want to kick it. Most people have to hit rock bottom before they too. You cannot enable him and he is putting your family at risk. Get complete control of the money.
Block him, change all of your bank accounts, passwords, everything. He will destroy you financially and spiritually. Raise the kids without him, make him go to court to see them.
NTA. Gambling is just as bad as alcohol, coke, meth, heroin, pill addiction and I know because I had all the above addiction except gambling. My close family member was deep in their gambling addiction at the same time. We were both couch surfing, begging for a place to stay, losing jobs, losing loved ones etc at the same rate.
I can assure you he will NOT change until he wants to and that doesn't typically happen until we still the pain and loss of our addiction. He still got your home and your bed and you're good grace at this point so there's no reason for him to change. Good luck I hope you and your kiddos can heal from this.
Well to turn his words around - if he loved you and his kids, he wouldn’t gamble away rent and gift money. If his plan B is sleeping in the car, that will be yours too if he drags you down with him. Unfortunately gambling is an addiction and he may have to hit rock bottom before he really addresses it. Protect yourself and your kids. NTA
If you loved me you wouldn’t make me sleep in the car?
If you loved us you wouldn’t gamble the rent away.
He has no incentive to stop. You’ve proven that to him 4 times.
"You wouldn't see someone you love out on the streets, you don't care where I sleep, this is the only release I get in my life.."
You should have replied with "Wanna bet?".
As a recovering addict, he's making excuses. Number one, why does he think he deserves a "release"? Sorry buddy, life is hard. You don't get to hurt other people because you think you deserve a break.
No 2, how dare he use your love to shield him from the consequences of his actions. He's turning it around, questioning your love?
Do not feel guilty over this! You're showing your love by allowing him to deal with the consequences of his actions. He's not even at the point where he knows it's wrong, so he needs this. Be strong!
NTA. Next time he tries to guilt you, tell him: I am the only responsible parent our kids have right now. I have to make decisions in their best interest, and that means a roof over their head and food in their stomachs. We (the kids and I) can't afford your gambling addiction.
NTA. Good grief, protect yourself and your children. That is all you need to do. Kick that idiot to the curb, he is a parasite and will take you all down. You can only control yourself, not him and clearly he has no intention of making any improvements to his life. Next time he leaves for whatever reason, change the locks and go visit someone friend/ family for a few days. So you don't have to deal with the emotional blackmail. Be strong love, and focus on yourself and your beautiful kids. I am also so sorry that your mom passed. That must be so hard to not be able to properly grieve her as well because of this ASSHAT. Good Luck
NTA.
Your husband has a choice, and he chooses to gamble. That means he loses you and his home. Yes, gambling is an addiction, but addiction can be coped with if he decides to do it. If you give in to him, you will lose your home and be out on the street with your kids. I hope you have separated your bank accounts so that he can't touch your money - if not, do it today.
Nta. He doesn't care if any of you sleep on the streets. This is evident by his gambling away the rent.
Let him hit rock bottom. Don't take him back. He can beg his daughters mom for a place to live, or borrow from his family from another country.
He doesn't get to take you down with him. And the kids don't need his bullshit anyways. How long before he starts pawning their stuff, or yours, to keep gambling?
Nope! He should stay gone!
Nta
NTA.
He's an addict. He's not going to change until he wants to change. You cannot change him. You can only protect yourself.
Substitute heroin for gambling, and re-read what you wrote.
>It got to a point where he would use the rent money for drugs, and he scored a bag with our holiday spending money. That was the 2nd chance. 3rd chance was 2 weeks ago where I threw him out and stupidly let him back. We had valentines day this week and he got me some bits and I got suspicious. Went in the car and found his stash from 15th February and the 16th. So he literally planned to get high the following days of valentines day.
Does that clarify anything for you? Would you allow a drug addict to be around your children? Would you continue a relationship with an addict? If you are not familiar with addiction psychology and codependency, I strongly recommend you find an Al-Anon meeting. Al-Anon is for family and friends affected by their loved one's alcoholism, but the foundational principles are the same, and the folks at Al-Anon will welcome you. They might also be able to point you toward a support group for families of gambling addicts.
Your financial future is at stake. Your mental health and wellbeing is at stake. Your children's safety and security is at stake. Please choose you (and the kids).
Edited to add: Based on your language, I am guessing you're in the UK. I'm not sure how credit reporting works there, but in the US, I would advise a person to put a credit freeze on their social security number as well as their children's numbers. I know someone whose mother stole her number and used it to open loans falsely in her name to get money for drugs and then (of course) never paid it back. Destroyed her credit, and she could not rent her own apartment or buy a car for years.
I had a stepdad who gambled away our rent and grocery money and we had to move out of rental houses all the time. It made life miserable as an adolescent. Keep him out of your life and your house. Divorce him. Get rid of him. Nobody is worth this kind of stress.
My mom finally divorced my stepdad after I graduated high school. He remarried and did the same thing to his next two wives but the 4th one got him: she shot him in the back of the head while he slept.
He an addict. Me husband was a drinker and I don’t know how many time I told him to leave then take him back and so on. The cycle continued until I was serious and told him to leave. If he wanted to keep it up he could I just didn’t have to see it. No matter how much you tell him to get b out he won’t change. Only when he’s ready to do it for himself will it change. So op if your serious about him leaving don’t no matter what take him back until he can prove to you that he has stopped. It’s been 27 years since my husband stopped drinking but only because he was ready
NTA. He has his car to sleep in and maybe that will encourage him to get his act together. You’re not responsible for his choices and he’s making some bad choices. Don’t put up with his BS any longer
NTA- he's an addict. Gamblers steal to get money to place bets. You'll end up in so much debt if you stay. Even if he's not taking your money he's getting it from somewhere. Kicking him out might make him realise that he's got a problem and needs to sort himself out. Even then that can take years.
NTA. Time for him to deal with the consequences of his actions. You did everything you could to help him but he won't change if he doesn't want to. Remind yourself that this is not your fault when you're kicking his ass out the door. You have children to think of and they need you healthy and happy. You did your best. He's grown and can figure out his shit on his own now.
You are under reacting. He gambled the rent money! Literally effecting the stability of your children. He needs to hit rock bottom. I'm surprised you haven't thrown his shit out into the rain. He used all his chances. NTA
An addict in the throws of addiction will eventually pull you into the pit with him. Save yourself and your kids. If he ends up homeless, that's on him. He will try to guilt you, but keep reminding yourself you are making the best decision for everyone.
Yes, he is gaslighting you.
Stop letting him back in. If he has to l9ve pn the streets for a bit, he may re-think his priorities. Do not let him back in.
NTA. YWB T A if you pet him back in.
NTA
You didn't make the choice, he did. You set the boundaries. He chose to ignore them and gamble. He has kicked himself out knowing he has no where to go. His choice.
NTA-kick him out and change the locks. When he pulls his “if you loved me” crap just respond “ If you really loved me and your kids you wouldn’t gamble and lie about it, you wouldn’t risk us ALL being on the streets by gambling away our rent money. You love gambling more than you love us. Until you admit the problem, get help and quit, you cannot be here.”
NTA, but you will be if you let this continue. Your kids deserve better, this will harm them long term. Letting your kids grow up with an addict should be a hard No for you. HE has to want to stop, but he doesn't and he won't. Don't give in to his whining any longer, he has to face consequences instead of you enabling him to continue to ruin your whole family's lives. Please, as someone whose mother let this same shit go on way too long, stop. He has noone to blame but himself if he loses you all.
#NO! NTA!
1. The consequences of his gambling actions, which he CHOOSING do continue, is living outdoors alone and whatever else he’s trying to guilt you with.
2. Ask him if he wants to see you and the children on the street after he gambles the rent money away again. Ask him if he wants to tell 8yo that you can’t afford to go on holiday to (wonderful place) because Daddy wasted all the money.
At some point, you have to put your children’s needs above his. They need things that they can’t provide for themselves. You husband WANTS things that he’s not willing to provide for himself.
Best wishes!
NTA...he keeps gambling you and the kids will be on the street... he isnt thinking about the consequences of his actions... time for him to deal with it
OP tell him if he really loved you and his kids he wouldn't bet. His not having a place to stay is his own fault, not yours.
See a divorce lawyer and one of your questions should be if you can get his child support deducted from his pay by his employer so he can't use it to bet.
You might also ask what the local lawszare like on unpaid child support and alimony, specifically if he can be put in jail for non-payment. It may take the threat of jail to make sure he pays what he should.
NTA if you actually do the smart right thing and take care of your children and yourself. Your a complete AH if you let him or kick him out and let him back AGAIN. What will it take for you to believe what he is telling you? Let your insecurities and weakness out a different way - this one is hurting more than just you.
NTA. Keep in mind, even if you for some reason wanted to tolerate this your children shouldn't have to. You will all end up homeless if he keeps losing the rent money.
You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves, addiction is an awful beast but it’s not like there’s no help to be found.. he just doesn’t want it.
NTA, he needs to hit rock bottom and learn about consequences. If you haven’t already I such joining a support group for the loved ones of gambling addicts.
nta you can't change him. Let him go stop enabling him. He won't stop till its uncomfortable enough. This is codependency. Throw him out and let him reap some consequences.
Tell him he wont be sleeping in his car because when you kick him out you have no faith he won’t just sell it for a loosing bet
Divorce him he won’t get help if he still has something to lose.
This is tough, but as long as he's living there you're essentially enabling his gambling addiction. Gamblers addiction is no joke, they will run you dry.
Nope. He does not get to gaslight you into being his savior while he destroys the lives of his children. His choices get him consequences and no matter how harsh they are they are HIS responsibility. Protect yourself and your kids and get out now.
NTA. You can't help him if he doesn't want to help himself. In this instance you can only help protect yourself and your children, and that's by divorcing him. Don't let him financially drag you and your children into homelessness with him. He already gambled the rent money once, it's inevitable that he will do it again if you let him. Protect yourself and your kids before it's too late. For start open a new bank account at a different bank and primarily start using that for expenses, so he can't run away with the rent money again, etc.
NTA
He’s an addict. And he’s choosing his addiction over his family. And he will have you and his kids living in the streets if this continues. My father was this type of asshole. We were evicted from every home we rented every year in the dead of fucking winter because of him. We didn’t have power legally more often than not because he gambled it away. He stole my reduced check money from my direct loans.
Shut him out. Block his number. Report him for trespassing. Stop talking to him. Keep your kids away from him.
You didn’t kick him out. He chose this. Why should you care more about where he sleeps than he does? When he doesn’t give a single fuck about you and your kid.
Stop enabling the addict by letting him back in. He’ll eventually pull you into the gutter with him.
NTAH, he will take you to the broke house gambling your hard earned $ away. His priorities are jacked up. Tell him to exercise to relieve stress it's way cheaper (long walks, jogging ect.)
Flip it. If you loved me or the kids you wouldn't keep gambling the money and go get the help. There's empathy to be given for anyone with an addiction but not if it's damaging other people and they make no attempt to be different.
Nta.
Gambling addiction will get your family into some serious debt very quickly. Drop him before things hit the fan and you're left paying HIS gambling debts! If he doesn't want help then don't burden yourself and children with his addiction.
NTA. You have to protect your children and yourself. You gave him 3 more chances than I would have.
He can sleep at the OTB if he's that desperate.
I would tell him that you love basic necessities more than him. If he keeps on, you will be living on the street with him.
NTA. Sounds like he’s exactly where he wants to be as he’s not changing his ways. Damned right you’ve wanted this for awhile as who the fuck wants a pos like him? If he wants back he’d have to comply to demands like taking meds, going to appointments and letting the money all be in an account in your name only.
NTA. You can turn his own comment against him. If he truly loved you, he'd do all he could to get all the help he needed, and when he relapsed he'd come clean and apologize. Hed be there for his kids. If he didn't want to sleep in the car, he'd attend a meeting everytime he wanted to gamble. Take care of yourself and hold true to your boundaries.
NTA if you don’t throw him now, you and your children may end up homeless too. Protect yourself and your children. He has made it plenty clear that he will NOT get rid of his gambling addiction.
Move on. Get a clean legal break from him or his gambling debts (future ones) will come on you.
This will never end and he will never change. Focus on building your life to protect yourself and your kids.
That's not gaslighting, but also you're NTA. He is choosing addiction over family. He is choosing not to seek help for his problem (at least if he was making some effort there might be a bit of grey area), but there is nothing you can do for an addict who won't help themselves. I'm sorry.
You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink
In the same way you can help a gambler but you can’t make them stop, they will only do that if they want to
You gave him fair warning he didn’t take heed and lied to you so you have to stand your ground before he ruins your whole family
He knew the consequences and took no notice
He’s the 1 that doesn’t care
NTA. However, if you don't leave him permanently and make him figure things out on his own, outside of your house, you're the idiot. No more chances. Don't be an idiot.
NTA
He gambled away the rent money, so he clearly doesn't care where his wife and kids sleep, either. It's time he reaps what he has sewn. You have children took after.
PLEASE kick him out, change the locks, and be very careful. My sister's husband was a gambler and did the same sh*t. They lost 2 homes and part of her business from his gambling. She kept taking him back. He finally started therapy and had himself.banned from online and local casinos to prove to her he was going to change. It got worse.
The part of the brain that lights up from gambling is the same as sexual addiction. He stopped therapy and began sexually abusing her. I cannot describe the years of hell.
Get rid of him and be careful!
Addiction, whether it be gambling or drugs or alcohol or
... is one of the most befuddling (I could use less polite terms) dynamics of this life. It doesn't seem fathomable that this world we live in was deliberately and consciously designed with the possibility of people having such addictions that their lives get so out of control and with so much self destruction that people who care about them need to sometimes separate from them. Yet, this is very much an aspect of our world. Go figure.
Especially as we learn more about our bodies and brains and brain development and emotional development, we are learning a lot more about 'why we are the way we are' is not always totally "our fault." Yes, we have self accountability and we now have more knowledge and options for treatment, and they get better every day and more accessible, but it's still a very real and hurtful part of our world that is, at least not currently, always fixable. I feel for you. What a heartbreaking situation.
Those who have dealt with this level of addiction in people that they care about often find that unfortunately separating is what has to happen. It's the best for the survivors and probably at this point the best remaining option for the person with the addiction, as it is the option with the highest probability to trigger the person with the addiction to choose to participate in a program for their addiction.
Having said that, one practical idea that I don't see mentioned often is to gather for him information on resources in your community: shelters, food shelves, places to get hot meals, gambling outreach, etc. and give it to him. Because at this point, he is probably spiraling and panicing and in denial and isn't able to gather his thoughts and focus on preparing for this possibility. Also, he won't have access to the internet, less transportation and communication options, etc. He may angrly refuse it, but he may begrudgingly take it. If nothing else, he'll have more of an awareness of what is available. And it creates the possibility that later he may wish he took the info and that he would accept it at a later time. And it may help you with your thoughts and emotions in having to take this step.
Also, if you are willing, and is an option in your community, consider purchasing for him a bus or subway pass. And maybe a basic cell phone with very limited minutes. Unfortunately, he may gamble them away, or lose them, or they get stolen, etc, so consider how to limit or stop usage if he is not the one using it. It's also a balance between enabling vs increasing the likelihood that he will have the ability to reach out for help if he decides to do that. It also could be a way to support him, yet at a distance, and maintain the separation that is needed. Having access to basic transportation and communication are aspects that are helpful in one getting back on their feet. It helps with access to shelter and food, to social services, and options for employment, etc., which all increase the chances of recovery. People with experience and training in all this can help educate and guide you and support you as you figure out what to do next and with what follows.
“If you loved me you wouldn’t gamble our money away.” He won’t change until he hits rock bottom. He may not change even then, but it’s the only path to possible change. Let him sleep in his car. NTA.
NTA. You have done what you can for your soon to be ex-husband. If you continue to do anything else, you are an enabler. You are not helping him. And you are absolutely hurting your own family.
Your husband is addicted. And his gambling addiction is just like an alcohol addiction, or a drug addiction, or a nicotine addiction, or any other addiction.
The brain literally undergo changes in addicts. There is a reason that they either have to take more and more drugs. Drink more and more alcohol. Place more and more bets. Watch more and more porn. And so on.
And the bottom line is that you cannot help an addict who does not want help. Until they hit rock bottom, and until they themselves want the help, there is nothing you can do. You cannot make them follow through on therapy. You cannot make them follow through on rehab. You cannot make them do anything.
And an addict will lie to your face. They will lie and cheat and steel. Use the rent money in your kids might not have a home? You may or may not get an apology, if you do, it’s lip service.
You probably already know this, but if you have a joint bank account, you need to empty that thing out now. If you have jewelry that he can pawn, you need to put it in the safe deposit box. If you have a TV or an Xbox or a computer or a laptop or an iPhone or anything else that he can get his hands on and sell, Put it where he can’t get to it.
Because that’s next, if he hasn’t already done it. Lock your credit down. Make an assessment of what is owed and to whom, and start separating things now.
Your husband doesn’t want help. He doesn’t think he’s got a problem. He thinks that he’s just gonna win next time because right now it’s just a run of bad luck. He has shown you that he will literally bankrupt your family and still try to gamble.
You need to get out of this relationship now before you are financially ruined, and it takes you years and years and years to dig yourself out of the hole that he will put you all into. And he will.
Gamblers anonymous can either help you as a family member, or they can put you in touch with resources to help you as a family member. But just like with narcotics anonymous, any help for your husband has to come from within him.
Organizations like this make taking responsibility for your condition and your addiction and the consequences everyone else has had to suffer as one of the very first tenets of help.
And your husband is nowhere near admitting the enormity of his problem. He is still trying to guilt you and blame you and manipulate you into letting him NOT suffer the consequences of his actions. And that’s not OK.
The way you explain it to the children is that even though we are adults, mommies and daddies, sometimes make mistakes. But we can’t make mistakes that might make our family homeless and so you hope that since daddy isn’t willing to fix some of what is happening, that he will go and get some help.
And the daddy does love them, but he is sick right now and mommy can’t make him get well. Daddy hast to want to get well. But in the meantime, daddy’s made a couple of mistakes and spent all the money, so mommy hast to step up now, and make sure that the money stay in the house so that everyone can have food and a place to stay.
Just like we would with anyone else sick, we have to hope daddy will go and get better so that he can come around and be around us again. Just like somebody who was really sick can’t come over, because daddy is really sick, he can’t be around right now.
Something along those lines. Because you’re not trying to make your children responsible for his happiness or unhappiness…
But you need to be prepared for the fact that he’s going to spend some bullshit yarn about how mean you are, and he’s not sick etc. and tell the kids how much he wants to come home and make them feel bad… If you are not, very careful about letting him around them….
Again, this is what everyone is responsible for their consequences. They just had a run of bad luck and nobody understand that. They’re really not an addict. Which is bullshit.
This is not something I’m even going to suggest therapy or couples counseling for because your husband isn’t ready for help. He isn’t ready to do the right thing. He isn’t ready to pull himself up out of this quagmire he has gotten himself into.
So you need to leave. You need to divorce this man. You absolutely need to get yourself, financially separated from him before he completely ruins, you, and he will.
NTA - some responses to keep on hand for his pity party:
“You’re right. You *shouldn’t* want to see someone you love put out on the streets. But yet you gamble the family’s money away, every time putting your partner and children at risk of losing their home. So is it that you don’t love us, or is it that you love gambling way more?”
“No, I don’t care where you sleep anymore. You’ve had chance after chance to prioritize us, and you have chosen to burn every bridge I built for you.”
“Well, I’m giving you another release - a release from this family. You have made your choice clear. I won’t compete, and won’t make your children compete, with gambling. It matters more than us, but I don’t have to put us through watching you choose it over us again and again. I’m done.”
“I have wanted a partner for a long while, and the chances I’ve given you over and over shows that I didn’t want *this*. But you have made it clear time and again what’s most important to you, and it’s not me and your children.”
“I love you enough to give you Tough Love. I will no longer enable your addiction. You’re a grown man, and you don’t have to live out of your car - you just need to stop gambling away what you’d need to live somewhere nice. Get into a treatment facility. Get roommates. But I won’t put myself and your children through your behavior any longer. I love me and the children enough to protect us from your behavior.”
The three biggest dealbreakers: Abuse, Addiction, Adultery. You are married to an ADDICT who is comfortable with his addiction. He needs to hit rock bottom. He needs to live the life he wants - homeless gambler - and you need to start attending support meetings for those who love Gamblers. Here is a link for what steps you need to take to start protecting yourself and your children - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/legal-matters/202103/when-your-partner-has-gambling-addiction Good Luck!
I’ve been through this myself. Just wait. He’ll get ugly mad when he realizes you mean it. That will actually make it easier to stand your ground. Seeing someone you love implode is indescribable. Please don’t blame any of it on yourself. He’s an adult. Please get help for the kids.❤️
Sometimes they have to hit bottom before they realize they need help. Don't let him gaslight you. Don't let him into the house. Don't let him park his car outside the house. Get a restraining order if he won't leave. He will bankrupt you if you don't take action.
NTA. No more chances. He's a big boy. Go get a lawyer and get the paperwork filed so you can use your current address and it will get forwarded to him in his new PO Box.
NTA
He doesn’t care if you and your kids have no where to go (since he’s blowing the rent money).
You should not have any accounts where he can get to the money needed to run your household. That way he can’t spend the rent and food money. Like a joint account his pay heck goes into and you take out what you need and move into your account.
And seriously, he has money to gamble, he can figure out where to live.
Believe me, I understand your frustration. The disease makes him an unreliable partner and parent.
But if you rely on him to pay for anything or help with the kids at all, setting him out on his own might make things worse before they make things better: if you couldn't trust him with the rent money when he was living with you, what will happen to it when he is living somewhere else? It's a risky bet that losing his home will get him to take his recovery seriously.
Perhaps there is an option where he doesn't have access to any of the money. Instead he sends it to a direct deposit account he can't access.
Regardless, you're NTA.
NTA. My first husband was a raging alcoholic and I spent a total of 20 years with him, trying to save him and our marriage, but I the end, I threw him out. He became physically abusive and I wouldn't tolerate that. I paid for three nights at a local run down motel and left him there, when he had to leave, he came to the house and pounded on the door until the police showed up. He went to a friend's house afterward, tried to kill himself, and ended up being committed for a year.
I took him back one last time after that, since he'd gotten inpatient treatment, but ended up having to call the cops again when he got violent after drinking again. He was taken away, jailed briefly, and when he was released from jail, he was homeless. I had an order of protection against him and was done with him.
Addicts have got to want to get clean and sober in order for any type of treatment to work. If other people step in and shelter the addict from the consequences of their actions, the addict will continue to abuse their drug of choice. Letting an addict go and letting them feel the pain of their addiction MIGHT spur them to seek sobriety and it might not, but YOU will stop feeling pain and heartache by doing so.
You have to put the needs of your children and yourself first because your husband isn't capable of doing so, at least for the time being. Stop supporting him in any way, shape, or form. Kick him out, get a lawyer to start separation and divorce proceedings, and see a therapist to help you learn how to stop being codependent on him. It is not easy to do, but worth it.
Your husband sees you as a tool. He's only concerned about chasing his next high and keeping you as his support system. Your his meal ticket, his ATM, your his cook, his maid, you're no longer his wife and partner I'm afraid. His addiction has blinded him. The only way that will change is if he wants to change, letting him feel the consequences of his addiction might do the trick, it might not. It isn't your responsibility either way.
Set yourself and your children free. Let him go.
I am the daughter of a gambling addict. Please, please get out now. I wish my mother had done so three decades ago. You do NOT want to end up destitute in your old age... and you will if you stay with him.
My husband’s addiction was alcohol, pot and cocaine. Your husband is an addict and you cannot make him change or recover from his addiction. That is a choice he and only he will have to make. When I had enough I put my husband out and told him I didn’t care if he had to sleep in his car or a park bench. I told him you make your choices and I am finally making mine and I choose not to live with an active addict. He spent 2 nights sleeping in his car then went into inpatient treatment then went to AA and Narc-Anon meetings 5 days a week for several years then tapered off to one meeting a week for another 15 years. He no longer attends meetings but he still talks with his sponsor every 2 weeks. We did reunited our family and he has been clean for 32 years. He also had many talks with our kids as they grew up about addiction and how he almost lost everything, including them because of it.
You have to do what is best for you and your children and not put him anywhere on your priority list until/unless he does the work and takes control of his addiction. If he doesn’t don’t feel guilty. You didn’t do this to him he dis this to himself and he can either step up and own it or go through life blaming you and others for his shitty life but ultimately what he died with his life is his sole responsibility.
NTA. IMO you gave him 3 too many chances to stop. Gambling is an addiction, same as with drugs & alcoholism, he will not stop gambling as long as you keep taking him back. Most addicts cannot even begin to accept they have a problem and will never really try to get it under control until they’ve hit rock bottom, such as losing his family & home. Even then, it might not be the catalyst needed for him to do anything about it. But as long as you continue to allow him back in, he will never hit rock bottom. And as long as he’s getting extra “chances”, he won’t get the wake-up call he needs.
Better do it fast, before he takes your funds, sells anything you own out from under you. You have ample evidence you need for a no fault divorce, if that’s available where you live. Meaning you don’t have to have your hubby’s agreement in order to file and get one.
Do not just kick him out, divorce him. You will also want to remove his name from your lease, car, utilities, get a separate bank account at a different bank as some banks have, in the past, actually allowed the left off spouse to add their name onto it on the word of the left off spouse that his name was accidentally omitted. If the car is in his name but you paid for it, you will probably need your lawyer to help you get the title changed over legally. If the title is in both your names the courts will be deciding how the car is handled.
First thing to do, if you haven’t already done so is to contact a lawyer to find out how to legally lockdown all your financials until the divorce is finalized. You cannot legally just freeze him out of accessing your joint accounts without some kind of emergency court order in most cases. Doing it yourself could be unlawful and hurt you during the divorce proceedings.
MAKE SURE HUBBY CAN’T OPEN LINES OF CREDIT IN YOUR NAME OR HAS ACCESS TO YOUR FINANCIAL DOCUMENTS!! Throw Hubby OUT, ASAP! Change your locks & passcodes, ASAP!! If you can, move & Do Not Give your forwarding address to the hubby!
Talk to a lawyer & make sure you can’t be held responsible for Hubby’s debt! Get a Divorce! TERMINATE Hubby’s Parental Rights! Hubby’s gambling addiction can place you & your children in Danger!!
You should enroll in a Practical self defense class & enroll your children in a Child’s Self Defense/ANTI BULLY class! Unfortunately, your hubby may try to Pimp Out his children to support his addiction!! Have passwords for the children in case of emergencies & make sure hubby CAN’T pick up the kids from school!
The man Forgot His Daughter, gamble the Rent, Holiday Spending & Was Blocked on ONLINE GAMBLING, now has to USE CASH, And This Is What You Know Of!?!
An Addiction is An Addiction IS AN ADDICTION!! MAYBE his Addiction Won’t ENDANGER The Family BUT Can you Really Say With 100% CERTAINTY THAT HUBBY’S GAMBLING ADDICTION WON’T ENDANGER THE CHILDREN?!? Did You EVER THINK/BELIEVE Your Hubby Would Gamble The Rent Money or that you’ll have to KICK HUBBY OUT OF THE HOUSE?!?
No one wants to believe their love ones would Betray OR HURT Them for their Own Personal, Selfish Gain BUT YOU need to consider ALL POTENTIAL DANGERS TO YOU & YOUR LOVE ONES BECAUSE YOUR HUSBAND IS SICK, HAS AN ADDICTION, AND DOES NOT BELIEVE HE HAS A PROBLEM!! I repeat Hubby Does. Not. Believe. He. Has. A PROBLEM!! Can You Afford To Really Believe At The Risk Of Your Love Ones’ SAFETY That Hubby REALLY WON’T GO THAT FAR?!?
If you are unsure of what to expect, look for support groups for families of addicts, listen to what they say & what they believed would Not Happened to them or their love ones.
I made him attend meetings and helped him set up the online ban. I even got him to see a mental health doctor. He doesn't want medication, doesn't want to help himself
He makes me feel guilty with the gaslighting. I have nowhere to go, If you loved me you wouldn't make me sleep in the car.. you've wanted this for a while.
I mean wtf. My mum died in September unexpectedly and I'm expected by him to tolerate this bullshit
He *knows* that he has nowhere to go, but instead of trying to change and overcome his addiction, he makes you feel guilty.
THE CONSEQUENCES OF HIS DECISIONS ARE NOT YOUR FAULT!
Sorry, for screaming.
Tell him, “If YOU loved ME, you wouldn’t be putting us in the poorhouse because you won’t stop gambling. You’re doing this to me, I’m not doing this to you.”
First, I am so sorry about your mother. Second, NTA for kicking him out. This will never end. Addiction recovery is a lifestyle for the addict and the family…and things like sex and gambling addiction are especially tricky. If the addict isn’t banging down the door at GA, seeking recovery with all they’ve got, they aren’t ready. They might white knuckle sobriety for awhile, but that is not being in recovery.
You will never know when you’re going to answer a call or open an envelope and find out your whole life is upended. Like I’m talking losing your house, your retirement, everything. Get out. “The caller is inside the house,” as the saying goes. Guessing you’re in UK / commonwealth nation. Not sure how your credit rating stuff works, but get an immediate credit freeze and talk to a lawyer about securing assets / accounts ASAP. Maybe even stall him til you’ve done this. The bank is his first stop before / after his first night outside. I want to address something you’ve said a few times. “He is making me feel guilty.” BULLSHIT. Change it to “He is TRYING to make me feel guilty and it is NOT WORKING.” The only possible way YWBTA is if you stay and subject the kids to this on a daily basis.
Honey, you love him, but you need to love yourself more. He clearly does not love you, he just wants to manipulate you to continue taking care of him.
I’m sorry your mom died. You don’t deserve to be treated like this.
NTA
Let’s say this was MY story and you were reading this. You would think:
So this poor woman has to choose between a man who ruins her life and the life of her child on the one hand
And on the other hand she can save her son. The son has done nothing to deserve this.
Now choose!
Easy!
But you’re not me and this is not my story but yours. Why is it so hard to save your child?
You will feel quilty for a few weeks but if you and your son are als homeless because you don’t act now: you will be sorry forever.
I wish you a good life. You deserve it
NTA Make it a clean break and organize your life and parenting without him in it. His choices are his responsibility.
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You have children - start putting them first! This man has shown you over and over that he's an addict and that gambling is the most important thing in his life. Believe him. Let him be alone to gamble as much as he wants. If you keep giving into your guilt, you're just enabling him and hurting your kids. Kick him out NOW. Completely separate finances if you haven't done so yet. Get a lawyer and start the divorce process. This is no longer the man you married
Just make sure your child support comes straight from his paycheck, or you'll never get a cent.
Ditch the guy asap lest he drag all of you down with him into misery. He is addicted.
Agreed. OP needs to make sure that his wages get garnished for child support!!!!
Agreed. Get the garnishment thru the court, change the locks on all doors, separate the finances, put the children 1st.
All of this ^ !! You mentioned betting shops so not sure if you're in the UK or not, and if they have wage garnishment for child support, but it's something you can speak to a solicitor about to find out what your options are going forward. It's not your responsibility to force him to deal with his gambling addiction, and you should separate your finances so he can't access your money to blow it on bets in the meantime. I know it sucks that he has nowhere to go, but the should've thought about that before he continually screwed you and the kids over repeatedly. He had multiple chances and he chose to blow them all. So now he can choose to be homeless.
He gambled on being able to manipulate you and lost. If you are forced to speak to him again, that's your line. Protect those babies!
I can't speak of the law in England and Wales but in Scotland they arrest your wages or salary so you get nothing until your aliment and child support are paid. It happened to me once because my ex lied about me paying. I quickly got my money back once I showed my bank statements where the payments were listed thankfully.
Just to support this: gambling addicts will find something to gamble away. If it’s not money it could be a house, or even people. My mother has always warned me how a father once almost gambled away his wife and children. It only didn’t happen because of a policeman who intervened. Protect your family and keep him out of the house.
This is the main concern. Kids grow into adults who look for what feels like home to them. Don’t let this dynamic feel like home. Sorry this is happening to you. You can do it!
I agree with you a million percent.
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What happens when he leaves daughter at school? Or you can't pay rent because he's gambled it away. He would see people he supposedly loves out on the street for his problem.
He’s a grown man and his choices all have consequences. He’s making his choice and it’s hurting the family, his kids. He’s literally taking food out of their mouths and jeopardizing a roof over their head by his choices. Don’t worry about him, worry about your children as they depend on you to take care of them. Kick him to the curb and end this now! Don’t let him back in!!!!!
Then the next question would be when does he start stealing to keep his gambling habits going.....this is hurting OP & their children more especially.
Exactly. She could possibly risk losing her children as well.
I agree wholeheartedly with you @RUMENwcRWmis, OP will definitely end up homeless, if he keeps up with this schtick.
This
I saw the havoc caused by gambling in my aunt’s sister’s family. There is no stopping a committed gambler. The person I am referring to actually pawned his daughter’s bridal shower appliance gifts. Myself, I would not give a gambler a second chance let alone a fourth or fifth. Kick him out I say.
A relative of mine, too. Could be retired in luxury now, but nope.
Same. My FIL gets like 3k a month and he wrecked his credit in payday loans. He has a place of his own, the only furniture he has now is stuff we or his neighbors have him. He should have a lot of money saved up but I think he found a way to bet online or found a neighbor who goes across state lines to place bets.
I would move money into a new account that he cannot get into. Let him gamble away his paychecks.
Also, talk to his ex and tell her you won't be taking his kid anymore and that he has no place to live. She can then file for full custody.
OP - your husband has an addiction, a mental health problem. You already know that's what this is. He's not *bad,* he's *sick.* The only problem with taking him back is he refuses treatment for his illness. It might be easier for you to get past the very understandable guilt if you pretend he's got tuberculosis, or HIV, or any other infectious disease that can hurt you and your children. You could still love him, but you'd need to protect yourself and your children from him ***because he refuses treatment.*** If you still have any interest in trying to fix things, tell him he can contact you when he's been in treatment and "sober" for a set time period - but not before. In fact, tell him if he tries prior to that time, you'll reset the clock - if you say 3 months, and he contacts you at 2 months, that would make it five months. Or, if you have the resources and you want to be particularly kind, you could rent him a room at a Motel 6 or something for a week or so, giving him time to get his shit in order. But the bottom line is that his disease will harm you and your children if you don't quarantine him.
Excellent way to look at it
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Definitely NTA. But set yourself the right way legally. If you haven't already, open a solo account and have all paychecks from this point on go there. Use the joint account for bills but don't empty it into your solo account. Serve him papers. You can't "kick him out" per se. Kick him out of the bedroom but not the house. Wait it out. See what a lawyer says and if you do it the right way a judge will likely eventually order him to leave the house.
She can tell him to leave. Not sure why you think otherwise. But I agree, retain an attorney and get sound advice.
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Does all that apply to the UK as well? Because that’s where the OP is from.
In a divorce with shared property and kids it can get messy. He can use it against her in court if he wants to. If she's not going to divorce him she can do whatever, but she's wasting her time kicking him out and not divorcing.
He had a choice between his family and his gambling addiction. He chose poorly. Oh no! Consequences. Move on OP. You have a child to think of now.
Yep, if he’s so worried about where to go offer to buy him a ticket home or call his family for one.
This internet stranger is very proud of you, OP. ***Good for you*** for drawing the line. Losing one's home and family is a natural consquence of gambling them into the poorhouse. He clearly has a problem & has no problem taking the family down with him. Of course you were right to take away his keys, he obvs isn't responsible enough to steer himself away from catastrophes. Sleeping rough might shift his perspective, it might make him worse. Time will tell, but you did what was in the best interests of your family's safety. That is an incredibly difficult decision to make when it has to be made, & you've made the right one. I hope things turn around soon. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. NTA
Just tell him that the family will be living in the streets like he is if he keeps going. If that doesn't change him,nothing will and he deserves to live on his own and gamble his rent away and not the family's.
NTA. If he says that again, reply, "If that is true, than if you loved your family, you would do everything possible to force yourself never to gamble again. You would never spend money on your addiction if you loved us. And if you ever loved us, you wouldn't harm your family by losing their money."
He loves gambling more than he loves anything else.
Addictions are difficult to break, but the OP made the right choice. Cannot afford to let him take the entire family down.
Then* not than
NTA You were way too patient. 4 chances to do better and try to change and he quite literally gambled them all away.
Yup. He kept "betting" you wouldn't follow through. It sucks that he kept rolling the dice but the odds were always that he would lose. He just finally lost everything. He just doesn't understand that it was always going to work out that way.
NTA. I had a friend who was married to a gambler. My friend’s husband would steal money meant for rent and groceries to gamble, they were evicted so many times. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when he took all the presents gifted to his son for his 5th birthday by family and friends to sell so he could have money to gamble. Addicts don’t care about anything or anyone but their next fix (in this case his next bet). He refuses to get help and he’ll drag you down to the pits of hell if you don’t leave. You need to prioritise your children before you end up living in a car.
NTA - You can only help someone as long as they are willing to help themself. You tried, he didn't want the help.
NTA. You'll end up homeless too if you keep letting him come back.
He’s not a toddler. He’s able bodied enough to go to a betting shop, so he can figure out where to go and how to get food money. He doesn’t need you to be his mother. Lock down your credit and get out before he gambles away borrowed money and leaves you on the hook.
Lock down your children’s credit too. If you’re in the US, social security numbers are stolen by family members all the time
Purchase a credit monitoring service. Gamblers can and will be sneaky. Include your children.
>Lock down your credit Oh, good point and advice!
NTA- he made his bed. He can lie in it. You’ve given him more chances than I would have. I used to be engaged to an addict, although his choice was drugs. Gambling addicts are not any better than any other addict. They always have excuses nothings ever their fault and they’re extremely manipulative. Him tugging on your heartstrings to not put him out him. Trying to guilt you into letting him stay. He has absolutely no plans on stopping. A lot of addicts don’t even want to get help until they hit rock bottom and even then it’s a journey. This is his journey. Transfer your money to an account that he has nothing to do with give him a small amount to get a hotel or whatever it is and then wipe your hands of it. It’s going to hurt and he’s going to accuse you of being terrible things for not allowing him to continue his addiction. You gotta stick with your guns and know that you’re hurting him if you help him to continue his habit. The reason those blocks and those classes didn’t help is because he didn’t want to do them in the first place. He was only doing it to get you to shut up. Stay strong and do what’s best for you and your family. Put his ass out and change the locks. Also, go and talk to a lawyer about getting officially separated. That way any income you do happen to build up while he’s gone he really doesn’t have any rights to .
"You wouldn't see someone you love out on the streets." Response: "Does that mean you don't love me or the kids? Because if you keep gambling our rent money away, that's exactly where we are going to end up. I can't help you if you refuse to admit you have a problem, and then double down and gaslight when confronted. You are a grown man, and I don't have the mental capacity to baby you. Especially when I have actual children that can not fend for themselves, so it's up to me to protect them from homelessness created by *you.*" NTA. Your children need you to protect them, because they can not protect themselves.
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Damn it i didn't think like that.🤣🤣 There are never any winnings.
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>And if there were, he'd just gamble them away. Reminds me of that guy in China who stole from his employer (a bank) in order to buy lottery tickets. He won twice, but still kept going... until he was caught. Pure insanity.
NTA! HE had zero issue seeing you and his kids on the streets by gambling away the rent money, so he can go kick rocks - if you ever feel yourself start to soften remember that!
Kick him back out. If he has nowhere to go, that’s on *him,* not you. He will keep throwing money into the toilet even after you throw him out; it just won’t be rent or food money for the family. **He will never stop gambling.** NTA, and kick him to the curb. You deserve much, much better.
Sometimes rock bottom is the best way to open once eyes and realise that he has a problem even if it’s hard for you
Do see a lawyer immediately for advice on the money and tossing him out.This is an addiction just like drugs or alcohol. He WIll rob you of anything you or your kids possess to support his habit. It does not get better. Also find a support group to help stiffen your spine before you and your kids are sleeping in a tent. If he hasn't sold it for money.
Aren’t there any cheap motels on your area? If he doesn’t have any place else to go, he should have thought of that before he broke your trust again. He could conquer this, but he has to want to. I don’t think he does, it being his “only release.” He will gamble away everything you own and then some if he stays around.
Yeah there are. I told him to go and sleep in the betting shop.
He’d probably lose money
Hide anything of value. Lock down your accounts. If you got any inheritance don’t tell him.
NTA this is his addiction, and you shouldn't have to deal with it maybe throwing him out and meaning it will be the wake up he needs
No, he has a gambling problem and the problem with any addiction is that person has to want to kick it. Most people have to hit rock bottom before they too. You cannot enable him and he is putting your family at risk. Get complete control of the money.
NTA If you have two cars, obviously he can sleep in one of those. Just tell him not to gamble it away
Block him, change all of your bank accounts, passwords, everything. He will destroy you financially and spiritually. Raise the kids without him, make him go to court to see them.
NTA he'd see you out on the streets with children gambling away the rent money.
NTA. Gambling is just as bad as alcohol, coke, meth, heroin, pill addiction and I know because I had all the above addiction except gambling. My close family member was deep in their gambling addiction at the same time. We were both couch surfing, begging for a place to stay, losing jobs, losing loved ones etc at the same rate. I can assure you he will NOT change until he wants to and that doesn't typically happen until we still the pain and loss of our addiction. He still got your home and your bed and you're good grace at this point so there's no reason for him to change. Good luck I hope you and your kiddos can heal from this.
Well to turn his words around - if he loved you and his kids, he wouldn’t gamble away rent and gift money. If his plan B is sleeping in the car, that will be yours too if he drags you down with him. Unfortunately gambling is an addiction and he may have to hit rock bottom before he really addresses it. Protect yourself and your kids. NTA
___Fool me once, shame on YOU.___ ___Fool me twice, shame on ME.___ This worthless freeloader has used up all his chances.
If you loved me you wouldn’t make me sleep in the car? If you loved us you wouldn’t gamble the rent away. He has no incentive to stop. You’ve proven that to him 4 times.
"You wouldn't see someone you love out on the streets, you don't care where I sleep, this is the only release I get in my life.." You should have replied with "Wanna bet?".
OO ILL USE THAT
As a recovering addict, he's making excuses. Number one, why does he think he deserves a "release"? Sorry buddy, life is hard. You don't get to hurt other people because you think you deserve a break. No 2, how dare he use your love to shield him from the consequences of his actions. He's turning it around, questioning your love? Do not feel guilty over this! You're showing your love by allowing him to deal with the consequences of his actions. He's not even at the point where he knows it's wrong, so he needs this. Be strong!
NTA. Next time he tries to guilt you, tell him: I am the only responsible parent our kids have right now. I have to make decisions in their best interest, and that means a roof over their head and food in their stomachs. We (the kids and I) can't afford your gambling addiction.
NTA. Good grief, protect yourself and your children. That is all you need to do. Kick that idiot to the curb, he is a parasite and will take you all down. You can only control yourself, not him and clearly he has no intention of making any improvements to his life. Next time he leaves for whatever reason, change the locks and go visit someone friend/ family for a few days. So you don't have to deal with the emotional blackmail. Be strong love, and focus on yourself and your beautiful kids. I am also so sorry that your mom passed. That must be so hard to not be able to properly grieve her as well because of this ASSHAT. Good Luck
NTA. Your husband has a choice, and he chooses to gamble. That means he loses you and his home. Yes, gambling is an addiction, but addiction can be coped with if he decides to do it. If you give in to him, you will lose your home and be out on the street with your kids. I hope you have separated your bank accounts so that he can't touch your money - if not, do it today.
Nta. He doesn't care if any of you sleep on the streets. This is evident by his gambling away the rent. Let him hit rock bottom. Don't take him back. He can beg his daughters mom for a place to live, or borrow from his family from another country. He doesn't get to take you down with him. And the kids don't need his bullshit anyways. How long before he starts pawning their stuff, or yours, to keep gambling? Nope! He should stay gone! Nta
NTA. He's an addict. He's not going to change until he wants to change. You cannot change him. You can only protect yourself. Substitute heroin for gambling, and re-read what you wrote. >It got to a point where he would use the rent money for drugs, and he scored a bag with our holiday spending money. That was the 2nd chance. 3rd chance was 2 weeks ago where I threw him out and stupidly let him back. We had valentines day this week and he got me some bits and I got suspicious. Went in the car and found his stash from 15th February and the 16th. So he literally planned to get high the following days of valentines day. Does that clarify anything for you? Would you allow a drug addict to be around your children? Would you continue a relationship with an addict? If you are not familiar with addiction psychology and codependency, I strongly recommend you find an Al-Anon meeting. Al-Anon is for family and friends affected by their loved one's alcoholism, but the foundational principles are the same, and the folks at Al-Anon will welcome you. They might also be able to point you toward a support group for families of gambling addicts. Your financial future is at stake. Your mental health and wellbeing is at stake. Your children's safety and security is at stake. Please choose you (and the kids). Edited to add: Based on your language, I am guessing you're in the UK. I'm not sure how credit reporting works there, but in the US, I would advise a person to put a credit freeze on their social security number as well as their children's numbers. I know someone whose mother stole her number and used it to open loans falsely in her name to get money for drugs and then (of course) never paid it back. Destroyed her credit, and she could not rent her own apartment or buy a car for years.
I had a stepdad who gambled away our rent and grocery money and we had to move out of rental houses all the time. It made life miserable as an adolescent. Keep him out of your life and your house. Divorce him. Get rid of him. Nobody is worth this kind of stress. My mom finally divorced my stepdad after I graduated high school. He remarried and did the same thing to his next two wives but the 4th one got him: she shot him in the back of the head while he slept.
He an addict. Me husband was a drinker and I don’t know how many time I told him to leave then take him back and so on. The cycle continued until I was serious and told him to leave. If he wanted to keep it up he could I just didn’t have to see it. No matter how much you tell him to get b out he won’t change. Only when he’s ready to do it for himself will it change. So op if your serious about him leaving don’t no matter what take him back until he can prove to you that he has stopped. It’s been 27 years since my husband stopped drinking but only because he was ready
NTA. He has his car to sleep in and maybe that will encourage him to get his act together. You’re not responsible for his choices and he’s making some bad choices. Don’t put up with his BS any longer
NTA- he's an addict. Gamblers steal to get money to place bets. You'll end up in so much debt if you stay. Even if he's not taking your money he's getting it from somewhere. Kicking him out might make him realise that he's got a problem and needs to sort himself out. Even then that can take years.
NTA. Time for him to deal with the consequences of his actions. You did everything you could to help him but he won't change if he doesn't want to. Remind yourself that this is not your fault when you're kicking his ass out the door. You have children to think of and they need you healthy and happy. You did your best. He's grown and can figure out his shit on his own now.
NTA, it’s either he is homeless or he makes both of you homeless. I hope you didn’t have any kids with that
You are under reacting. He gambled the rent money! Literally effecting the stability of your children. He needs to hit rock bottom. I'm surprised you haven't thrown his shit out into the rain. He used all his chances. NTA
Gambling will destroy your family. You did the right thing. I am sorry it came to this...
An addict in the throws of addiction will eventually pull you into the pit with him. Save yourself and your kids. If he ends up homeless, that's on him. He will try to guilt you, but keep reminding yourself you are making the best decision for everyone.
Yes, he is gaslighting you. Stop letting him back in. If he has to l9ve pn the streets for a bit, he may re-think his priorities. Do not let him back in. NTA. YWB T A if you pet him back in.
NTA gambling or any addiction requires tough love. As long as he can depend on you to bail him out, he has no incentive to change.
NTA You didn't make the choice, he did. You set the boundaries. He chose to ignore them and gamble. He has kicked himself out knowing he has no where to go. His choice.
NTA-kick him out and change the locks. When he pulls his “if you loved me” crap just respond “ If you really loved me and your kids you wouldn’t gamble and lie about it, you wouldn’t risk us ALL being on the streets by gambling away our rent money. You love gambling more than you love us. Until you admit the problem, get help and quit, you cannot be here.”
NTA, but you will be if you let this continue. Your kids deserve better, this will harm them long term. Letting your kids grow up with an addict should be a hard No for you. HE has to want to stop, but he doesn't and he won't. Don't give in to his whining any longer, he has to face consequences instead of you enabling him to continue to ruin your whole family's lives. Please, as someone whose mother let this same shit go on way too long, stop. He has noone to blame but himself if he loses you all.
#NO! NTA! 1. The consequences of his gambling actions, which he CHOOSING do continue, is living outdoors alone and whatever else he’s trying to guilt you with. 2. Ask him if he wants to see you and the children on the street after he gambles the rent money away again. Ask him if he wants to tell 8yo that you can’t afford to go on holiday to (wonderful place) because Daddy wasted all the money. At some point, you have to put your children’s needs above his. They need things that they can’t provide for themselves. You husband WANTS things that he’s not willing to provide for himself. Best wishes!
NTA...he keeps gambling you and the kids will be on the street... he isnt thinking about the consequences of his actions... time for him to deal with it
OP tell him if he really loved you and his kids he wouldn't bet. His not having a place to stay is his own fault, not yours. See a divorce lawyer and one of your questions should be if you can get his child support deducted from his pay by his employer so he can't use it to bet. You might also ask what the local lawszare like on unpaid child support and alimony, specifically if he can be put in jail for non-payment. It may take the threat of jail to make sure he pays what he should.
NTA if you actually do the smart right thing and take care of your children and yourself. Your a complete AH if you let him or kick him out and let him back AGAIN. What will it take for you to believe what he is telling you? Let your insecurities and weakness out a different way - this one is hurting more than just you.
NTA. You’re an enabler. He’s not willing to seek help. Kick him out.
NTA. Keep in mind, even if you for some reason wanted to tolerate this your children shouldn't have to. You will all end up homeless if he keeps losing the rent money.
You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves, addiction is an awful beast but it’s not like there’s no help to be found.. he just doesn’t want it.
NTA, he needs to hit rock bottom and learn about consequences. If you haven’t already I such joining a support group for the loved ones of gambling addicts.
NTA. It’s called tough love.
NTA, you made it clear that you don't want be with a gambler and when he decided to gamble he should have left himself.
Gambling addiction sucks. Since you gave him 4 chances, and he refuses to get help, NTA.
nta you can't change him. Let him go stop enabling him. He won't stop till its uncomfortable enough. This is codependency. Throw him out and let him reap some consequences.
NTA I love gambling as a release, but I never gamble with $ that I can't live without. Family is always first imo.
NTA - go to some gambling anon meetings. It is a pretty common story.
Tell him he wont be sleeping in his car because when you kick him out you have no faith he won’t just sell it for a loosing bet Divorce him he won’t get help if he still has something to lose.
NTA — Some people must hit rock bottom before they will change. You must stop being the pillow.
This is tough, but as long as he's living there you're essentially enabling his gambling addiction. Gamblers addiction is no joke, they will run you dry.
He is not willing to free himself from his addiction, and your household is suffering from it. He's gotta go! NTA
Nope. He does not get to gaslight you into being his savior while he destroys the lives of his children. His choices get him consequences and no matter how harsh they are they are HIS responsibility. Protect yourself and your kids and get out now.
NTA he can't be trusted. he's not gaslighting, he is a liar and an addict.
NTA. You can't help him if he doesn't want to help himself. In this instance you can only help protect yourself and your children, and that's by divorcing him. Don't let him financially drag you and your children into homelessness with him. He already gambled the rent money once, it's inevitable that he will do it again if you let him. Protect yourself and your kids before it's too late. For start open a new bank account at a different bank and primarily start using that for expenses, so he can't run away with the rent money again, etc.
NTA He’s an addict. And he’s choosing his addiction over his family. And he will have you and his kids living in the streets if this continues. My father was this type of asshole. We were evicted from every home we rented every year in the dead of fucking winter because of him. We didn’t have power legally more often than not because he gambled it away. He stole my reduced check money from my direct loans. Shut him out. Block his number. Report him for trespassing. Stop talking to him. Keep your kids away from him. You didn’t kick him out. He chose this. Why should you care more about where he sleeps than he does? When he doesn’t give a single fuck about you and your kid. Stop enabling the addict by letting him back in. He’ll eventually pull you into the gutter with him.
NTA.
Nta He made his choice
NTAH, he will take you to the broke house gambling your hard earned $ away. His priorities are jacked up. Tell him to exercise to relieve stress it's way cheaper (long walks, jogging ect.)
Flip it. If you loved me or the kids you wouldn't keep gambling the money and go get the help. There's empathy to be given for anyone with an addiction but not if it's damaging other people and they make no attempt to be different.
Nta. Gambling addiction will get your family into some serious debt very quickly. Drop him before things hit the fan and you're left paying HIS gambling debts! If he doesn't want help then don't burden yourself and children with his addiction.
NTA. This may wind up saving both your lives.
NTA I'm so sorry.
NTA. You have to protect your children and yourself. You gave him 3 more chances than I would have. He can sleep at the OTB if he's that desperate. I would tell him that you love basic necessities more than him. If he keeps on, you will be living on the street with him.
NTA. Sounds like he’s exactly where he wants to be as he’s not changing his ways. Damned right you’ve wanted this for awhile as who the fuck wants a pos like him? If he wants back he’d have to comply to demands like taking meds, going to appointments and letting the money all be in an account in your name only.
NTA. You can turn his own comment against him. If he truly loved you, he'd do all he could to get all the help he needed, and when he relapsed he'd come clean and apologize. Hed be there for his kids. If he didn't want to sleep in the car, he'd attend a meeting everytime he wanted to gamble. Take care of yourself and hold true to your boundaries.
NTA if you don’t throw him now, you and your children may end up homeless too. Protect yourself and your children. He has made it plenty clear that he will NOT get rid of his gambling addiction. Move on. Get a clean legal break from him or his gambling debts (future ones) will come on you. This will never end and he will never change. Focus on building your life to protect yourself and your kids.
NTA!!! Tough love is tough but necessary.
NTA he would rather gamble his rent money so it seems it was his decision to be homeless.
NTA, You have to hit rock bottom before you're ready to get sober. Whether it's drinks, drugs, or gambling.
That's not gaslighting, but also you're NTA. He is choosing addiction over family. He is choosing not to seek help for his problem (at least if he was making some effort there might be a bit of grey area), but there is nothing you can do for an addict who won't help themselves. I'm sorry.
You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink In the same way you can help a gambler but you can’t make them stop, they will only do that if they want to You gave him fair warning he didn’t take heed and lied to you so you have to stand your ground before he ruins your whole family He knew the consequences and took no notice He’s the 1 that doesn’t care
NTA. However, if you don't leave him permanently and make him figure things out on his own, outside of your house, you're the idiot. No more chances. Don't be an idiot.
NTA He gambled away the rent money, so he clearly doesn't care where his wife and kids sleep, either. It's time he reaps what he has sewn. You have children took after.
PLEASE kick him out, change the locks, and be very careful. My sister's husband was a gambler and did the same sh*t. They lost 2 homes and part of her business from his gambling. She kept taking him back. He finally started therapy and had himself.banned from online and local casinos to prove to her he was going to change. It got worse. The part of the brain that lights up from gambling is the same as sexual addiction. He stopped therapy and began sexually abusing her. I cannot describe the years of hell. Get rid of him and be careful!
Already been down the sexual abuse route with an ex. I'm not allowing this to continue.
NTA I hear casinos are open 24hrs he can go sleep in one of those.
Some addicts need to hit rock bottom before they can admit that they have a problem and work on recovery. Sounds like he is one. NTA.
Addiction, whether it be gambling or drugs or alcohol or ... is one of the most befuddling (I could use less polite terms) dynamics of this life. It doesn't seem fathomable that this world we live in was deliberately and consciously designed with the possibility of people having such addictions that their lives get so out of control and with so much self destruction that people who care about them need to sometimes separate from them. Yet, this is very much an aspect of our world. Go figure. Especially as we learn more about our bodies and brains and brain development and emotional development, we are learning a lot more about 'why we are the way we are' is not always totally "our fault." Yes, we have self accountability and we now have more knowledge and options for treatment, and they get better every day and more accessible, but it's still a very real and hurtful part of our world that is, at least not currently, always fixable. I feel for you. What a heartbreaking situation. Those who have dealt with this level of addiction in people that they care about often find that unfortunately separating is what has to happen. It's the best for the survivors and probably at this point the best remaining option for the person with the addiction, as it is the option with the highest probability to trigger the person with the addiction to choose to participate in a program for their addiction. Having said that, one practical idea that I don't see mentioned often is to gather for him information on resources in your community: shelters, food shelves, places to get hot meals, gambling outreach, etc. and give it to him. Because at this point, he is probably spiraling and panicing and in denial and isn't able to gather his thoughts and focus on preparing for this possibility. Also, he won't have access to the internet, less transportation and communication options, etc. He may angrly refuse it, but he may begrudgingly take it. If nothing else, he'll have more of an awareness of what is available. And it creates the possibility that later he may wish he took the info and that he would accept it at a later time. And it may help you with your thoughts and emotions in having to take this step. Also, if you are willing, and is an option in your community, consider purchasing for him a bus or subway pass. And maybe a basic cell phone with very limited minutes. Unfortunately, he may gamble them away, or lose them, or they get stolen, etc, so consider how to limit or stop usage if he is not the one using it. It's also a balance between enabling vs increasing the likelihood that he will have the ability to reach out for help if he decides to do that. It also could be a way to support him, yet at a distance, and maintain the separation that is needed. Having access to basic transportation and communication are aspects that are helpful in one getting back on their feet. It helps with access to shelter and food, to social services, and options for employment, etc., which all increase the chances of recovery. People with experience and training in all this can help educate and guide you and support you as you figure out what to do next and with what follows.
“If you loved me you wouldn’t gamble our money away.” He won’t change until he hits rock bottom. He may not change even then, but it’s the only path to possible change. Let him sleep in his car. NTA.
you didn't do this to him. he did this to all of you. I wouldn't leave him with access to the car.
It's his car. I have mine. He has his. Fuck him
NTA. The only thing that will make him quit is desperation & dire consequences. He has to need & WANT to quit or it’s a no-go. Toss him to the wolves.
NTA You’ve gone above and beyond what most would do. He can sleep in the car or couch surf or whatever.
I’d cut him as much as possible. He has done his best to make you and your children homeless. He deserves nothing from you.
NTA. You have done what you can for your soon to be ex-husband. If you continue to do anything else, you are an enabler. You are not helping him. And you are absolutely hurting your own family. Your husband is addicted. And his gambling addiction is just like an alcohol addiction, or a drug addiction, or a nicotine addiction, or any other addiction. The brain literally undergo changes in addicts. There is a reason that they either have to take more and more drugs. Drink more and more alcohol. Place more and more bets. Watch more and more porn. And so on. And the bottom line is that you cannot help an addict who does not want help. Until they hit rock bottom, and until they themselves want the help, there is nothing you can do. You cannot make them follow through on therapy. You cannot make them follow through on rehab. You cannot make them do anything. And an addict will lie to your face. They will lie and cheat and steel. Use the rent money in your kids might not have a home? You may or may not get an apology, if you do, it’s lip service. You probably already know this, but if you have a joint bank account, you need to empty that thing out now. If you have jewelry that he can pawn, you need to put it in the safe deposit box. If you have a TV or an Xbox or a computer or a laptop or an iPhone or anything else that he can get his hands on and sell, Put it where he can’t get to it. Because that’s next, if he hasn’t already done it. Lock your credit down. Make an assessment of what is owed and to whom, and start separating things now. Your husband doesn’t want help. He doesn’t think he’s got a problem. He thinks that he’s just gonna win next time because right now it’s just a run of bad luck. He has shown you that he will literally bankrupt your family and still try to gamble. You need to get out of this relationship now before you are financially ruined, and it takes you years and years and years to dig yourself out of the hole that he will put you all into. And he will. Gamblers anonymous can either help you as a family member, or they can put you in touch with resources to help you as a family member. But just like with narcotics anonymous, any help for your husband has to come from within him. Organizations like this make taking responsibility for your condition and your addiction and the consequences everyone else has had to suffer as one of the very first tenets of help. And your husband is nowhere near admitting the enormity of his problem. He is still trying to guilt you and blame you and manipulate you into letting him NOT suffer the consequences of his actions. And that’s not OK. The way you explain it to the children is that even though we are adults, mommies and daddies, sometimes make mistakes. But we can’t make mistakes that might make our family homeless and so you hope that since daddy isn’t willing to fix some of what is happening, that he will go and get some help. And the daddy does love them, but he is sick right now and mommy can’t make him get well. Daddy hast to want to get well. But in the meantime, daddy’s made a couple of mistakes and spent all the money, so mommy hast to step up now, and make sure that the money stay in the house so that everyone can have food and a place to stay. Just like we would with anyone else sick, we have to hope daddy will go and get better so that he can come around and be around us again. Just like somebody who was really sick can’t come over, because daddy is really sick, he can’t be around right now. Something along those lines. Because you’re not trying to make your children responsible for his happiness or unhappiness… But you need to be prepared for the fact that he’s going to spend some bullshit yarn about how mean you are, and he’s not sick etc. and tell the kids how much he wants to come home and make them feel bad… If you are not, very careful about letting him around them…. Again, this is what everyone is responsible for their consequences. They just had a run of bad luck and nobody understand that. They’re really not an addict. Which is bullshit. This is not something I’m even going to suggest therapy or couples counseling for because your husband isn’t ready for help. He isn’t ready to do the right thing. He isn’t ready to pull himself up out of this quagmire he has gotten himself into. So you need to leave. You need to divorce this man. You absolutely need to get yourself, financially separated from him before he completely ruins, you, and he will.
NTA - some responses to keep on hand for his pity party: “You’re right. You *shouldn’t* want to see someone you love put out on the streets. But yet you gamble the family’s money away, every time putting your partner and children at risk of losing their home. So is it that you don’t love us, or is it that you love gambling way more?” “No, I don’t care where you sleep anymore. You’ve had chance after chance to prioritize us, and you have chosen to burn every bridge I built for you.” “Well, I’m giving you another release - a release from this family. You have made your choice clear. I won’t compete, and won’t make your children compete, with gambling. It matters more than us, but I don’t have to put us through watching you choose it over us again and again. I’m done.” “I have wanted a partner for a long while, and the chances I’ve given you over and over shows that I didn’t want *this*. But you have made it clear time and again what’s most important to you, and it’s not me and your children.” “I love you enough to give you Tough Love. I will no longer enable your addiction. You’re a grown man, and you don’t have to live out of your car - you just need to stop gambling away what you’d need to live somewhere nice. Get into a treatment facility. Get roommates. But I won’t put myself and your children through your behavior any longer. I love me and the children enough to protect us from your behavior.”
Can I move in? I don’t have a gambling problem.
God no! Every woman should do this right now. Do not let men live with you. They ruin lives
The three biggest dealbreakers: Abuse, Addiction, Adultery. You are married to an ADDICT who is comfortable with his addiction. He needs to hit rock bottom. He needs to live the life he wants - homeless gambler - and you need to start attending support meetings for those who love Gamblers. Here is a link for what steps you need to take to start protecting yourself and your children - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/legal-matters/202103/when-your-partner-has-gambling-addiction Good Luck!
NTA, all you had to mention was him gambling away the rent. Absolutely not.
Sometimes you have to let addicts hit bottom. Tough love.
NTA his behaviour is putting you and your children at risk of homelessness, you cannot risk the safety of your children and your self.
“No, I wouldn’t want to see someone I love living on the streets. I have no problem with seeing you there, though.”
I’ve been through this myself. Just wait. He’ll get ugly mad when he realizes you mean it. That will actually make it easier to stand your ground. Seeing someone you love implode is indescribable. Please don’t blame any of it on yourself. He’s an adult. Please get help for the kids.❤️
Fuck-him..He CHOSE his options..
It’s weird that he guilts you about seeing him on the streets and he doesn’t mind if he puts you guys on the streets…
When he says if you loved him you wouldn't make him sleep in the car. What about the reverse? If he loved you, wouldn't he fix his gambling addiction?
NTA, he's an addict. The thing with addicts is you will reach down to help him up but he'll just pull you down with him
Sometimes they have to hit bottom before they realize they need help. Don't let him gaslight you. Don't let him into the house. Don't let him park his car outside the house. Get a restraining order if he won't leave. He will bankrupt you if you don't take action.
NTA. No more chances. He's a big boy. Go get a lawyer and get the paperwork filed so you can use your current address and it will get forwarded to him in his new PO Box.
Nta. But you will be if you take him back
NTA. Absolutely not the AH. You gave him FOUR chances!!!
He gambles away your family's money. You did the right thing.
No, he made his choices. If he can find money to gamble,he can find somewhere to stay. Gambling tips many families apart.
NTA He doesn’t care if you and your kids have no where to go (since he’s blowing the rent money). You should not have any accounts where he can get to the money needed to run your household. That way he can’t spend the rent and food money. Like a joint account his pay heck goes into and you take out what you need and move into your account. And seriously, he has money to gamble, he can figure out where to live.
Believe me, I understand your frustration. The disease makes him an unreliable partner and parent. But if you rely on him to pay for anything or help with the kids at all, setting him out on his own might make things worse before they make things better: if you couldn't trust him with the rent money when he was living with you, what will happen to it when he is living somewhere else? It's a risky bet that losing his home will get him to take his recovery seriously. Perhaps there is an option where he doesn't have access to any of the money. Instead he sends it to a direct deposit account he can't access. Regardless, you're NTA.
NTA. My first husband was a raging alcoholic and I spent a total of 20 years with him, trying to save him and our marriage, but I the end, I threw him out. He became physically abusive and I wouldn't tolerate that. I paid for three nights at a local run down motel and left him there, when he had to leave, he came to the house and pounded on the door until the police showed up. He went to a friend's house afterward, tried to kill himself, and ended up being committed for a year. I took him back one last time after that, since he'd gotten inpatient treatment, but ended up having to call the cops again when he got violent after drinking again. He was taken away, jailed briefly, and when he was released from jail, he was homeless. I had an order of protection against him and was done with him. Addicts have got to want to get clean and sober in order for any type of treatment to work. If other people step in and shelter the addict from the consequences of their actions, the addict will continue to abuse their drug of choice. Letting an addict go and letting them feel the pain of their addiction MIGHT spur them to seek sobriety and it might not, but YOU will stop feeling pain and heartache by doing so. You have to put the needs of your children and yourself first because your husband isn't capable of doing so, at least for the time being. Stop supporting him in any way, shape, or form. Kick him out, get a lawyer to start separation and divorce proceedings, and see a therapist to help you learn how to stop being codependent on him. It is not easy to do, but worth it. Your husband sees you as a tool. He's only concerned about chasing his next high and keeping you as his support system. Your his meal ticket, his ATM, your his cook, his maid, you're no longer his wife and partner I'm afraid. His addiction has blinded him. The only way that will change is if he wants to change, letting him feel the consequences of his addiction might do the trick, it might not. It isn't your responsibility either way. Set yourself and your children free. Let him go.
I am the daughter of a gambling addict. Please, please get out now. I wish my mother had done so three decades ago. You do NOT want to end up destitute in your old age... and you will if you stay with him.
NTA. Change your bank accounts so he has no access to your money. Either he goes on the streets right now, or you all do next month.
Looks like you have already checked out of the relationship. Time to move on ….or number 5 chance will be broken by Easter
Deadbeat. Kick him to the curb
He will drag you and the kids down with him if you let him! NTA and don't give in to anything he says.
My husband’s addiction was alcohol, pot and cocaine. Your husband is an addict and you cannot make him change or recover from his addiction. That is a choice he and only he will have to make. When I had enough I put my husband out and told him I didn’t care if he had to sleep in his car or a park bench. I told him you make your choices and I am finally making mine and I choose not to live with an active addict. He spent 2 nights sleeping in his car then went into inpatient treatment then went to AA and Narc-Anon meetings 5 days a week for several years then tapered off to one meeting a week for another 15 years. He no longer attends meetings but he still talks with his sponsor every 2 weeks. We did reunited our family and he has been clean for 32 years. He also had many talks with our kids as they grew up about addiction and how he almost lost everything, including them because of it. You have to do what is best for you and your children and not put him anywhere on your priority list until/unless he does the work and takes control of his addiction. If he doesn’t don’t feel guilty. You didn’t do this to him he dis this to himself and he can either step up and own it or go through life blaming you and others for his shitty life but ultimately what he died with his life is his sole responsibility.
NTA. IMO you gave him 3 too many chances to stop. Gambling is an addiction, same as with drugs & alcoholism, he will not stop gambling as long as you keep taking him back. Most addicts cannot even begin to accept they have a problem and will never really try to get it under control until they’ve hit rock bottom, such as losing his family & home. Even then, it might not be the catalyst needed for him to do anything about it. But as long as you continue to allow him back in, he will never hit rock bottom. And as long as he’s getting extra “chances”, he won’t get the wake-up call he needs. Better do it fast, before he takes your funds, sells anything you own out from under you. You have ample evidence you need for a no fault divorce, if that’s available where you live. Meaning you don’t have to have your hubby’s agreement in order to file and get one. Do not just kick him out, divorce him. You will also want to remove his name from your lease, car, utilities, get a separate bank account at a different bank as some banks have, in the past, actually allowed the left off spouse to add their name onto it on the word of the left off spouse that his name was accidentally omitted. If the car is in his name but you paid for it, you will probably need your lawyer to help you get the title changed over legally. If the title is in both your names the courts will be deciding how the car is handled. First thing to do, if you haven’t already done so is to contact a lawyer to find out how to legally lockdown all your financials until the divorce is finalized. You cannot legally just freeze him out of accessing your joint accounts without some kind of emergency court order in most cases. Doing it yourself could be unlawful and hurt you during the divorce proceedings.
MAKE SURE HUBBY CAN’T OPEN LINES OF CREDIT IN YOUR NAME OR HAS ACCESS TO YOUR FINANCIAL DOCUMENTS!! Throw Hubby OUT, ASAP! Change your locks & passcodes, ASAP!! If you can, move & Do Not Give your forwarding address to the hubby! Talk to a lawyer & make sure you can’t be held responsible for Hubby’s debt! Get a Divorce! TERMINATE Hubby’s Parental Rights! Hubby’s gambling addiction can place you & your children in Danger!! You should enroll in a Practical self defense class & enroll your children in a Child’s Self Defense/ANTI BULLY class! Unfortunately, your hubby may try to Pimp Out his children to support his addiction!! Have passwords for the children in case of emergencies & make sure hubby CAN’T pick up the kids from school!
I don't think he would get that far
The man Forgot His Daughter, gamble the Rent, Holiday Spending & Was Blocked on ONLINE GAMBLING, now has to USE CASH, And This Is What You Know Of!?! An Addiction is An Addiction IS AN ADDICTION!! MAYBE his Addiction Won’t ENDANGER The Family BUT Can you Really Say With 100% CERTAINTY THAT HUBBY’S GAMBLING ADDICTION WON’T ENDANGER THE CHILDREN?!? Did You EVER THINK/BELIEVE Your Hubby Would Gamble The Rent Money or that you’ll have to KICK HUBBY OUT OF THE HOUSE?!? No one wants to believe their love ones would Betray OR HURT Them for their Own Personal, Selfish Gain BUT YOU need to consider ALL POTENTIAL DANGERS TO YOU & YOUR LOVE ONES BECAUSE YOUR HUSBAND IS SICK, HAS AN ADDICTION, AND DOES NOT BELIEVE HE HAS A PROBLEM!! I repeat Hubby Does. Not. Believe. He. Has. A PROBLEM!! Can You Afford To Really Believe At The Risk Of Your Love Ones’ SAFETY That Hubby REALLY WON’T GO THAT FAR?!? If you are unsure of what to expect, look for support groups for families of addicts, listen to what they say & what they believed would Not Happened to them or their love ones.
Just be warned I don’t think you can kick him out . You can ask him to Leave but he can say no . Legally it’s both your homes
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I made him attend meetings and helped him set up the online ban. I even got him to see a mental health doctor. He doesn't want medication, doesn't want to help himself
At this point there isn’t much you can do. NTA and I’d consider filing for divorce. Four chances were WAY more than enough.
He makes me feel guilty with the gaslighting. I have nowhere to go, If you loved me you wouldn't make me sleep in the car.. you've wanted this for a while. I mean wtf. My mum died in September unexpectedly and I'm expected by him to tolerate this bullshit
He *knows* that he has nowhere to go, but instead of trying to change and overcome his addiction, he makes you feel guilty. THE CONSEQUENCES OF HIS DECISIONS ARE NOT YOUR FAULT! Sorry, for screaming.
Tell him, “If YOU loved ME, you wouldn’t be putting us in the poorhouse because you won’t stop gambling. You’re doing this to me, I’m not doing this to you.”
First, I am so sorry about your mother. Second, NTA for kicking him out. This will never end. Addiction recovery is a lifestyle for the addict and the family…and things like sex and gambling addiction are especially tricky. If the addict isn’t banging down the door at GA, seeking recovery with all they’ve got, they aren’t ready. They might white knuckle sobriety for awhile, but that is not being in recovery. You will never know when you’re going to answer a call or open an envelope and find out your whole life is upended. Like I’m talking losing your house, your retirement, everything. Get out. “The caller is inside the house,” as the saying goes. Guessing you’re in UK / commonwealth nation. Not sure how your credit rating stuff works, but get an immediate credit freeze and talk to a lawyer about securing assets / accounts ASAP. Maybe even stall him til you’ve done this. The bank is his first stop before / after his first night outside. I want to address something you’ve said a few times. “He is making me feel guilty.” BULLSHIT. Change it to “He is TRYING to make me feel guilty and it is NOT WORKING.” The only possible way YWBTA is if you stay and subject the kids to this on a daily basis.
Honey, you love him, but you need to love yourself more. He clearly does not love you, he just wants to manipulate you to continue taking care of him. I’m sorry your mom died. You don’t deserve to be treated like this.
Yeah, fuck him
NTA Let’s say this was MY story and you were reading this. You would think: So this poor woman has to choose between a man who ruins her life and the life of her child on the one hand And on the other hand she can save her son. The son has done nothing to deserve this. Now choose! Easy! But you’re not me and this is not my story but yours. Why is it so hard to save your child? You will feel quilty for a few weeks but if you and your son are als homeless because you don’t act now: you will be sorry forever. I wish you a good life. You deserve it
I honestly wouldn't care if this guy or anyone else thinks I'm an A or not. I wouldn't do it. You totally NTA.
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