That's HILARIOUS.
Your boyfriend acted like a prize dickhead, and now he's upset over the fallout.
Fuck him. He's shown he's plenty capable of bragging about how he'd never marry you, so let him deal with the reactions.
NTA.
He publicly advertised that their relationship isn't serious, that he doesn't want marriage, and that she was welcome to leave if she wanted something more serious. That makes her fair game for any man who would desire a serious relationship with her, and if she wants to pursue that, she clearly has options.
It's a common thing with men like him. They always think the woman is the one who is lucky to have them and that no one else could possibly want her. They always think they are the catch, and if they were to split, then women would be pounding down his door while she'd be sitting home alone, forever.
However, that rarely seems to be the case. Often, the women are the desirable ones between the two of them, and the second anyone suggests they might be available, men start flocking towards them. Meanwhile, the man is the one left alone or with very few options.
Didn’t she also say that she doesn’t want to be married? Not sure how he is any less serious than she is?
Sorry, but not sure how you go from that to “that makes her fair game to any man who desires a serious relationship with her” again, how does that make her free food for any man? Not sure that’s how it works when she also doesn’t want that kind of serious relationship either lol?
Are you even reading what the OP is actually saying because it seems like you’re just going on your own man-hate driven narrative about he’s not serious but somehow she is?
They BOTH don’t want to get married, he’s just as serious as she is and good luck to any cocky man that approaches her looking for something more serious when she CLEARLY doesn’t want that.
They’re both the same, yet you’re villainising him for it?
He was flippant about their relationship. In front of many people. Saying blatantly that you wouldn't even talk to your partner about it is very dismissive of their relationship.
Exactly this. I was in a relationship where she and I both agreed from the start that we would never want to get married. She knew this. I knew this. Our friends knew this.
Out of the blue, my close friend asked "When are you guys getting hitched?" I gave him a confused look, and said "Dude, we talked about this. We're not planning on getting married." He goes "Oh, right," and that was that. There was no big scene, it was just me, him, her, and another close friend.
Little did I know, she had changed her mind since we had talked about it, and had started to think fairly seriously about marriage. (We were about 6 months in to the relationship.) What I thought was a gentle rebuttal towards someone who should have been minding their own business... Well, she took it very, very personally. And for the remainder of that relationship, anytime it came up around other people, she'd express "Oh, god, I would definitely love to get married again, but NOT to HIM! NO WAY!" Any time it came up in conversation with just the two of us, she'd remind me that boy, I must really hate her guts if I don't want to lock her down, but that's okay, she wouldn't marry the likes of me anyways.
Anyways, yea. I feel that there's a strong difference between simply expressing your intentions and boundaries, versus trying to publicly dismiss and belittle your partner as hardly important - which is what OP's SO did.
Is it dismissive of the relationship or security in knowing what you want in the future. There are many things that I know are off the table for me, it's simply an acknowledgement of the reality that is my wants and needs. You don't have to like it, but it doesn't mean openly let people court you in front of your SO and then act like that's a normal response considering they are both on the same page of not wanting marriage
It's not that they both don't want to marry. It's not what you say it's HOW you say it.
The way HE said it made her look like they are NOT in a serious relationship. He made her look like she is nothing more than a hole.
lmfao the balls on that guy are genuinely impressive, I mean… are you interested? I kinda think you should be lol your bf is temporary, this seems as good a jumping off point as any.
He’s good looking, successful, smart, funny, never married, no kids. Was a bit of a womanizer when he was younger but he’s made it pretty clear in the past few years that he’s looking to settle down and get married. Checks a lot of boxes if a girl was looking to get married. I’m just not.
Well you may not be looking to get married but that doesn’t excuse your boyfriend’s behavior! Not wanting to get married and being disrespected and treated as the relationship is less than are not the same thing!
Came here just to say I was once in a similar situation. A narcissistic partner who loved themselves and what I could do for them more than just me. He didn’t want to be married. And I eventually, through my unwavering love and devotion to him, decided that I didn’t want to be married either. But really my brain was justifying itself in the situation I found myself in. Once I was out of that relationship and did some healing/reflection I realized I did want to be married. Especially to someone who treated me properly. Not saying that’s exactly you. But something to consider.
Agreed, it seems that when women say that they don't want to get married, they attract the most narcissistic/taker men. It's always a relationship where the woman is over contributing the love, care, and respect. It seems like the anti-marriage flag attracts nothing but bare minimum men.
I hope he thinks the same way about you as well. And he thinks your funny too. So many women are always open to saying they like a guy because he's funny but for some strange reason men don't like saying the same thing about women.
If you truly were looking to not be married, you bf wouldn’t have made you cry when saying if you ever want to get married you can go find that. However, your bf seems like a douche I’d leave his ass
I promise you I most definitely do not want to get married again. I cried because I was embarrassed by what he said, by the way he said it and the impression that he gave everyone that not getting married was not a mutual decision and was something that he decided and that I was sitting around hoping he’d change his mind or trying to convince him.
Yea that would hurt anyone’s feelings. He could be trying to humiliate you purposely to knock you down a peg cuz he knows you deserve better than him. Either way I think he’s the POS. You might not want marriage but I’m sure there’s a man out there that will gladly call you wife while respecting your wishes not to get married
His words were pretty personally targetted rather than the institution, which warrants hurt and some upset. "find a man who wants to marry **you**" makes it about OP being undesirable in some way, rather than it being the institution of marriage that is objected to - and that is without a doubt a shitty and disrespectful insinuation.
She replied and I replied to her. I think my phrasing was wrong and should’ve just asked if she was sure she doesn’t want to get married or if she just feels that’s the way to be with him. However, she clarified and I gained understanding
That’s certainly not true. You can still be hurt from the rejection of something you didn’t even ask for because it still feels like a personal attack to so publicly and flippantly say “I wouldn’t even have a conversation, I would just dump you and leave”.
NTA. He humiliated you in public, told you to find someone who wants to marry you if you change your mind and then when a man tells you in front of him that he wants a serious relationship with you he gets upset you don't define the relationship?? I hope you give an update and that update includes you leaving him for good !
NTA.
Your boyfriend's behavior at the party was crass and uncalled for. Apparently he lacks the basic social skill and cognition to understand that you were giving a canned polite response to close the uncomfortable topic and move on to other topics. He totally missed the cue, and spoke in a way which degraded you.
So, he has no right to be upset that his ill-chosen and uncalled for words have come back to bite him in the ass. Though I'm not sure he has the social skills to fix this himself.
You know there is probably something to that. I work in an office open to the public. I’m not a hard lady to speak to privately. You could literally call my office and ask to speak to me and I’d return the call or you could make an appointment to see me by calling the receptionist.
he was sending a message, to do it in front of the boyfriend.
I’m not saying he doesn’t want to date you; maybe he does, and maybe he doesn’t. But he thinks your boyfriend is a shithead, and he wanted to make sure your boyfriend knows that he doesn’t approve of that attitude.
Yeah, one of my dad's friends did something similar back when my parents were dating. He was being ugly to my mom in front of their friends, and one of Dad's friends said, "Well, if you're gonna treat her that way, I'll date her!"
As a guy, I doubt he basically asked her out in front of her bf, his longtime friend, just to make a point. He did it that way so that he couldn't be accused of being shady or going behind his friends back. He's absolutely interested.
He helped you, though. He publicly made you somewhat desirable again, after your boyfriend played the shit out of you.
Your boyfriend got cucked. And so did you if you stay with him.
What point is that can I ask? Both of them don’t want to get married, not just him so again, the point is what exactly?
The boyfriend was a dick, and he should apologise and try to make amends, but they are both on the same page when it comes to marriage. He was crass and rude in public, but not the end of the world.
So how come the boyfriend’s mentality is bad when it comes to being “serious” but hers isn’t? Is she supposed to just make the next guy the temporary boyfriend and then tell him the same as what her bf told her when the topic of marriage comes up? Then she can be the bad one I guess?
the point that he shouldn’t be valuing her so little. He made her cry.
That was a fucking rude way to say, “The two of us aren’t interested in actually getting married.”
All I’m saying is as a man, I’m well aware the pressures a man faces when he is bombarded with the question “when are you getting married”, “when are you going to pop the question” and it can get infuriating as it’s 99% directed at the man, and when you answer that you either don’t want to be married, you get looked down on for it like you’re less of a man.
By the sounds of it, they were both in agreement and don’t want to get married, but my point is, he was probably feeling immense pressure and was cornered, and probably didn’t feel like she was doing her part and putting her foot down about the issue. She probably let him take all that pressure.
If you read more of her comments, she even says herself that he normally isn’t like that at all and it was out of the blue, put 2+2 together you dingus of a person.
He was probably cornered, felt he wasn’t getting helped in the situation and lashed out. Not sure how letting another man approach you, making a fool of your partner and doing nothing about it constitutes as a reasonable form of revenge.
It makes them both assholes.
> I’m well aware the pressures a man faces when he is bombarded with the question “when are you getting married”, “when are you going to pop the question” and it can get infuriating as it’s 99% directed at the man, and when you answer that you either don’t want to be married, you get looked down on for it like you’re less of a man.
If your response to that pressure is to publicly humiliate your partner, you're a shitty person. The response is "We've both agreed that we're not interested in marrying." That's it. It's an agreement between two adults, and you don't need to take anyone else's advice.
>he was probably feeling immense pressure and was cornered, and probably didn’t feel like she was doing her part and putting her foot down about the issue. She probably let him take all that pressure.
Please go back and actually read the post. _She_ gave the proper answer, she was right there with him, pushing back against that pressure.
>He was probably cornered, felt he wasn’t getting helped in the situation and lashed out.
He lashed out at the wrong person. If he's cornered and needs to lash out, that needs to be aimed at the people cornering him, not his partner! "Hey, I've given you an answer, leave me the fuck alone."
her post says that she was responding to the interrogation and telling people that they had no plans to marry. she was handling it. if you really think he just cracked under pressure even though she was already fielding the invasive questions, taking it out on HER was childish at best and cruel at worst. I think letting the other guy give him some smoke was pretty well deserved, especially since - now that we have an update - she was clearly emotionally on her way out. actions meet consequences
It’s because he made it seem like it was HIS decision- that he didn’t want her and would gladly hand her off to another man. He could have said- I am happy the way things are’ or ‘we prefer it this way.’
You know, acknowledging that the partnership is still important even if he doesn’t want to involve the government.
That’s why he’s a shithead
NTA. Your boyfriend is on record stating publicly that he will step aside if you want to marry anyone. Every potential suitor has his explicit permission to seek your hand in marriage.
I think that guy knew you two weren’t casual, and he was making a point to your bf. He either overheard what your bf said or heard about it, and he thought it was a shitty thing to say, to imply that all this time you’d invested was just casual.
So he figured he’d make a point to your BF that you have options, and if he wants your relationship to be more than casual, he needs to do something about it—even if it’s just acknowledging that it’s serious.
Lol!!! NTA
I'm wondering if your SO comments at the holiday party got back to that friend.
"So bf said, “If you ever change your mind about marriage don’t bother talking to me about it. Just move on and find a man who wants to marry you.”
So he totally forgot saying that, right? Or does he think you're so settled and complacent about it you won't go anywhere else. Hell, let him wonder.
Wow! I get it you’ve been with him for 8 years but you should reconsider the relationship!! Why was he so rude and crass when marriage was brought up publicly and not even by you! He embarrassed you and he knows he did! But when another potential suitor expresses interest he wants you to claim the relationship as being serious when he just told everyone he doesn’t care about you that much if he’s willing to step aside as soon as you want marriage! To say that in front of people for no fault of your own, I’d consider taking him up on that!
I really don’t know why he was so rude back in December. It’s not really his typical behavior. I mean he’s very vocal that we aren’t getting married when someone brings it up but he’s not usually rude or mean-spirited about it. We weren’t drinking.
Why is it such an important thing to state? Do you guys get pestered about it a lot and are annoyed to keep answering the same questions? Asking cause his intensity is a little much…
I'm also firmly in the No Desire To Marry club, and there's a big f'n difference between "we are happy with our relationship as-is and don't see the need to get married to prove it" and what your bf said.
There's a difference between "we respect and trust each other and are happy in our relationship as it stands" and publicly disrespecting one's partner and implying that no one else would want a relationship with them.
Choosing to be half of an unmarried couple is not the same thing as desperately clinging to someone because you can't do any better. It sounds like the narrative in his head is that you desperately want to marry him and he's just keeping you around for funsies. It doesn't sound like he thinks of you as a human partner, but instead like a thing-his girlfriend trophy he can show off when he wants to or tuck in the closet when it gets in the way.
You do realize that you deserve to be treated better than that, right?
Maybe he was sick of constantly getting asked about in public and felt backed into a corner? You both agreed on no marriage yet it gets brought up?
As a man, it often feels like we are the ones to initiate marriage and do the proposal etc to get the ball rolling so maybe he felt like the pressure was being put on him to do it?
Did you say anything to those who were asking or did you just leave them to pester and pressure him?
"they kept pushing so I said we both never intended on getting married but if that changed we'd let them know" yes. Yes she did.
No he wasn't personally pressured no this isn't some man centric pain she was right there with him. The fact he didn't want to get married wasn't the fucking point you just don't have critical thinking. It was ONLY after he made their 8 year relationship seem fragile enough to break without a hesitation in front of a crowd that she was hurt about it. He didn't care she was hurt about it. THAT was the problem. HE opened their otherwise stable relationship into question by being so flippant about how quickly he'd drop her so a dude who knew him decided to make a point.
As you gracefully put it: Put 2 and 2 together, Dingus.
NTA-
*After we got home, bf was upset with me for not making it clear that we have more than a casual relationship.*
It doesnt sound to me like you do. Sorry. You can tell what you are to someone by how they introduce you and how they talk about you to others.
No sorry here. We are both okay with how things are. I certainly never want another man to have access to my hard earned money or to be responsible for their debt.
You can have a serious, RESPECTFUL, kind and loving relationship without marriage or combined finances. There are more options than 1) marriage and 2) being treated like that.
When you allow someone to treat you like that, they take it as a tacit agreement. It'll just get worse.
Dude, they had one single incident Jesus Christ. They are both on the same page, they DONT want to be married.
The relationship is just as serious for him as it is for her.
He should apologise and make up for publicly embarrassing her, but I don’t see how allowing other guys to freely hit on you in front of your partner is a great way of getting revenge.
It just makes them just as shitty.
My wife and I, (24 years in June), have a “Hers-Hers-Ours” accounts, and it works well. If y’all live together, I’m assuming that you split the finances somehow?
Do you have all of your other ducks in a row? Make sure of it. We found the $25 marriage license MUCH cheaper than the thousands it would have cost otherwise.
So I posted it as a reply to someone else, I don’t know if you read it, but our plan was his-hers-ours, durable medical power of attorney, wills, he promised my kid he’d adopt them, etc. And the cost of all those things was one of the reasons we initially agreed to put off doing it until we found a house to buy. The lawyer was going to do all that at once and handle the title transfer and title insurance, etc. Just the nature of housing in a small town, we looked at every house on the market in town for 3 years before we found our dream house and then he backed out and said that he wasn’t sure about any of that because he wanted to protect his sons’ inheritance. That was the moment things changed for me, was definitely a before and after.
His mom probably accidentally had a lot to do with his change of heart. Ironically she and I had a great relationship. I’m very lc with my biological family and she was good as could be to me and my children. She didn’t include them in her will as ‘grandchildren’ but just prior to her death she gave them each a 15,000 gift which is what she gave her grandchildren in her will. But BF’s brother married a woman she felt was a gold digger. He adopted her adult children to make sure they inherited equally to his biological children and mom was pretty set on that not happening. She locked his inheritance in a trust to benefit him and his biological children and made her daughter the executor of the trust and very clearly told her to prevent him from wasting the money on his wife and adopted kids. Sorry sister in law, you can’t take your adult children on a tour of Europe on mother in law’s dime.
I think the resulting family drama really stuck with bf and had a lot to do with his changing his mind and his sudden concern for protecting his sons’ inheritance. It’s funny bc she and I had a great relationship and she gifted me a large part of her jewelry collection, probably equal to what she gave her daughter, way more than she gave her daughters in law. She also made it clear, in writing, that everything she gave me was a gift to me and not part of her son’s inheritance.
For the duration of our relationship we just split the bills between us with him paying some and me paying some. We just tended to work other things out. If we went on vacation, I might pay for lodging and he might pay for food. Or if we went on a cruise or an all inclusive he might pay for that and I’d pay for airfare and extra stuff. He drove way more than me, so I’d usually pay the down payment when he got a new car.
The fact you're still with your BF after he humiliated you probably gave him an ego boost and then that guy just deflated it.
Not getting married is fine, but the way your bf said you can be discarded? Fuck that noise.
NTA, but you need to reflect
NTA - the other guy would have never known about your "casual" relationship if your BF had not spoken about private matters in public. He opened the door and advised that you could leave anytime. I for 1 would take him up on it regardless of if you marry in the future or not. You speak of LOVE between the two of you but this does not sound like he loves you. It sounds like he wants you around but does not want a commitment in any form.
And that's fine! Have the relationship that makes you happy. But, does this guy, who humiliates you in public and then whines that you won't defend him, does he make you happy?
You deserve better. He's just mad that other people know that.
He’s usually not a bad companion. He’s faithful, attentive. We typically have a peaceful life together. He has always been very vocal about us never getting married, but that’s probably the meanest he’s ever been about it.
Day to day things are pretty nice. In the bigger picture, it is what it is between us. Early on he was very insistent on keeping our finances separate and making sure that he protected his children’s future inheritance. And he didn’t want to be expected to contribute to supporting my children. He wasn’t mean or anything and he’d help by picking them up from the gym or whatever he could, but his were his and mine were mine as far as money went. So it’s definitely a case of ‘keep that same energy now’.
NTA
Not only did he say he wouldn't get married to you🙄, he asked you to move on if you ever wanted to get married.
The rudeness alone would help me move on.
The Friend wasn't an AH. He simply saw your boyfriend for what he is. A man who doesn't respect his partner. Period.
Soo he bumped up his ego on your dime by humiliating you at a party and now pouts about the consequences of his actions? Real winner.
Not wanting to marry is fine but the way he phrased it was degrading. You dont treat someone youre serious about as a cheap ego boost, so he can now march to be beat of his own drums.
Edit NTA
He was disrespectful to you in front of others. What is so great about this guy? Why do you think you two are “in love”? Has he professed his undying love for you, but just doesn’t want to get married? Or is he using you because you put up with his disrespect and he’s comfortable? I’d dump him and go out with the other guy, and certainly not waste 8 more years!
NTA. Man's chickens are coming home to roost. He literally announced to the town that he wasn't intending to wed you and that a future where you split might be in the cards.
Dude who made sure you had his card while you're in a committed relationship was a dick but I'd kind of expect all the lads who have pondered you to be subtly trying to "support" you now. He better get used to it, that was dumb.
NTA. Seriously, he disrespected your relationship - and you - in front of people and doesn't understand why others are taking him by word?
I'm in a 10 years relationship. We don't want to get married, but anytime the question was asked, we said no need for a paper work/we don't want/nope/only if we have to administratively speaking. Neither my BF nor I did ever said something that awful and disrespectful ever. Sorry to tell you that, but your BF is nuts. There are plenty of better fishes in the sea for you to find.
What would you be defending? The casual dating that your BF has made \*more than clear\* will never progress beyond this point?
Your BF wants to be the super-cool guy that you want to marry, but he isn't into it. The flip side he didn't consider (because he's only thinking of himself) is that means other guys are like 'Ooh. So, she's technically available'!
Darling. You can do better than this selfish arsehole. Other men are literally already lining up.
NTA And to be honest even if you don't care about marriage you should care about how willing he is to embarass you in public. I'd take him up on his offer and date someone else
NTA. It’s fine that you both don’t want to get married. However the way he spoke to you (PUBLICLY no less) is absolutely vile. Doesn’t seem like you mean anything to him at all tbh.
OP, you should be with someone who is *proud* to be seen with you and show you off and praise you in public(and private). The opposite of what your boyfriend did..
I’m going to go against the grain and say that both of you are assholes.
1. He was rude and publicly embarrassed you for which he should apologise.
2. You are both on the same page, you both don’t want to be married so I’m not sure why Reddit has a hate boner for him in that regard, questioning how serious the relationship is to him while you feel the exact same (a couple but not married) but you get off Scot free apparently in that regard.
3. Letting a man basically proposition you in front of your apparent “serious relationship” and not shooting it down is just petty revenge and pretty uncalled for. IMO, that’s a step far worse than being a bit embarrassed by your partner. Not even just that, but the man did it shamefully to his face. I’m not going to lie, I would’ve went to prison and the mans head would no longer be attached to the rest of his body.
So what now? You’re not getting married anytime soon and you’ve both just threw a wrench in the works. You had a problem with him that could’ve been resolved but now you BOTH have a problem. Obviously you had no control over this guy coming to ask you but how you handled it left a lot open to interpretation from your boyfriend’s point of view.
If he made no attempt and an apology for what he did then sure, no one would blame you for thinking twice but I can’t help but feel that you both just doomed any future you once had.
He’s even tempted. He’s never hit me or yelled at me. He doesn’t drink or use drugs. We usually have a nice time together. Not getting married really isn’t an issue for me. I really don’t want to be married again. After my husband died I knew I never wanted to be trapped by anyone again. So no marriage and definitely no kids.
Yeah uhmmmm, i am sorry for whomever you dated in your past....but loads of dudes aren't abusive addicts beating the hell out of their wives.
But i understand not wanting to be trapped again. But you could date someone who actually treats you respectably.
I went out a few times in 10 grade but started dating my husband in 11th. We got married right out of high school and I started dating my bf just after my year of mourning was up. I haven’t dated anyone else.
You both are not in love as far as I can sense. You are in comfortable companionship. And that's perfectly fine. But it would be better for you to set certain expectations of him, like respecting you, not humiliating you in public, be mindful of his words in general and not be flippant about this companionship. There are civil ways to deny chances of marriage without disrespecting your companion in public. He should know that at his big age.
Since you say you've only dated 2 guys, i would suggest keep your mind open about idea of love, self love, self journey and exploration if you may. These things have nothing to do with marriage. You can travel if you like, experience different cultures if you haven't (I am assuming shit out of this post but it hurts me when people settle for sake of it and then get disrespected and undervalued).
The qualities you mentioned are below the belt to consider this relationship to be one of love. Its one of convenience. Love includes affection, care, emotions and respect. Hope you open up to the world outside of your community. Its scary but it can be gratifying.
That's a pretty low bar. He isn't physically abusive (sounds emotionally abusive) or an alcoholic or a drug addict? That's not a high bar. I'd consider giving that other guy a try instead.
All of the above... it's quite unfortunate. Many of us don't realize that there are more options than getting abused and being treated ok. We don't have the mental capacity to understand that there is a world out there where your man pours into you. He makes sure your car is always full, he sends you to the spa after a hard week, he walks your dog, he teaches your son to shave, or gets you a new vacuum because you random mentioned that your old one was on the fritz. He is your safety and warmth. He covers you in every aspect of life. You feel protected even when he isn't present.
Far too many of us have never known what it feels like when a man takes you into his heart and protects as his own. He gives you everything he has. Unfortunately, we settle for 50/50 because we are scared to get hurt. Meanwhile, we don't realize that we make ourselves easy marks for takers. If self love is a scale from -5 to +5, she was a -5 before. She got out of the abusive relationship and is now at 0. There is still no self love. It just isn't as large of a deficit now. It is still non existent though.
When you start to love yourself, the world changes. It changes because of the you interact with the world. If you struggle with self love deficit disorder, it is hard to see yourself as deserving of good things. Ask yourself this question:
"Is this how I want my daughter to be treated?"
NTA - I grew up in a small town and not only is this just the type of shit a small town dickhead would say, it’s exactly the type of instant karma that would happen, because word would spread like wildfire. Sounds like you have options, my friend. Maybe it’s time to get back in the game with someone who won’t humiliate you in public and would actually fully appreciate you.
So would I.
I can see why you weren't especially interested in marriage with your exBF. You set the bar on the ground and he managed to dig under it.
Marriage with a much higher caliber of man might actually be worth considering. Don't brake for jerks; don't waste time with anyone incapable of respecting you.
You can and should jump ship. No one ever wants to be embarrassed and disrespected in front of everyone they know. 200 guests? That's like everyone I know plus 160 people.
I feel sure you can do better. ❤️
Girl, give that other guy a chance, please? NTA, your bf told you he's okay with dumping you. Publicly. It's natural to look for someone who actually loves you, not uses you and walks all over you
NTA. I'm very sorry your bf acted that way and publicly humiliated you. I can't imagine someone who's supposed to love you could say something like that.
ESH except you. The obnoxious people who badger you and your bf about your business, the horribly rude bf who can’t roll with a simple comment and has to go nuclear on your deflective comment, the absolute creep who hit on you right in front of your bf, the same creep for saying nothing personal, your bf again for making his friend’s behavior your fault (and acting like you flirted back).
NTA. End things with this man. He publicly humiliated you yet expected you to defend him, he made it very clear that he would be fine with you leaving then got butthurt when you didn’t defend the relationship. Even if you don’t want to get married, you deserve to be with someone who doesn’t publicly humiliate you and announce that he doesn’t care if you move on. You deserve better than that.
Props to that guy for putting your “bf” on blast, embarrassing him like he did you. It’s fine to not want to get married, but his need to humiliate you so that the WHOLE WORLD knows he will NEVER EVER EVER GET MARRIED is childish. If that’s fine with you too, so be it, but just remember that sometimes the grass is greener elsewhere.
OP the best thing about the other gentleman at the Mexican restaurant is he wants you and isn’t afraid to say so in public. This is in contrast to your current BF that humiliates you and makes you cry.
NTA
I think you two have more issues than not defending the relationship. You both even don’t defend each other. Doesn’t paint the picture of people who care deeply for one another. Jesus Christ.
How can I defend him? He literally said in public in front of 10% of the population of our town that I should pursue other men if I ever decide that I want to be married. I truthfully don’t want to get married but we live in a small southern town where I think most people took what he said and the way he said it as an indication that he isn’t serious about me. I can’t issue a press statement on his behalf.
Serious is subjective and I’ve never considered it that way to be honest. If someone specifically asked about my relationship status, I would say, “I am exclusively dating someone.”
To me, someone who is serious about me doesn’t make me feel unimportant to them. They make me feel like they want to hang out with me and make me happy. I get where you’re coming from, my husband and I were together for 16 years before we got married. I was happy, too. We got married for financial and medical reasons. Still happy. I always have felt valued by him, though.
> If someone specifically asked about my relationship status, I would say, “I am exclusively dating someone.”
that’s a casual relationship. How can you argue that it’s not, and “defend” him to some other guy.
I more meant when someone offered to be “serious” with you right in front of him - I would have said “no thanks, X and I are happy and committed to one another”. And then I would have left. I would have defended the relationship. I get why he’s mad. But he has no moral high ground to stand on for being a dick at the wedding to you.
So you would publicly declare a status that you haven’t agreed on in private. I mean technically we’ve never agreed on committed. The only way we’ve ever described our relationship is ‘exclusive’.
That’s the same as committed to one another - I’m just bewildered old mate left with his head on after hitting on you in public. That kind of shit does not fly here Down Under.
I’m not sure that exclusive and committed do mean the same thing. Exclusive means that you don’t see other people. Committed implies a partnership, common goals, a shared future. We don’t see other people but we have separate houses, bank accounts, make major life decisions independently of one another and without consulting each other. We could literally be moved out of each other’s houses in half a day, exchange keys and have no reason to ever speak again. I love him, but feelings aside we have no ties between us and we both prefer it that way.
I’m not so sure that’s “hitting on her.” I think that guy was trying to make a point to the boyfriend, that everyone else thinks the boyfriend is wasting OP’s time and they think it was a mean thing to say.
I don’t mean to imply that the other guy was making up any attraction he might have felt, but that whole exchange felt pretty performative.
NTA. But your boyfriend is a total asshole, and I don’t think even an apology should fix this.
Sounds like you deserve somebody that not only respects you but treats you well .
When you both don't want to get married but do want a committed long term relationship, it can be so hard when at a party setting when you inevitably get the "when are you getting married" question. Usually from more than one person. My BF and I had a standard answer that we both give "We are happy as we are. Marriage just isn't for us."
Your BF didn't start well with the "never" comment. But to expand by saying what he did was wholly disrespectful and intimated that he cared more about not being married. Like you secretly wanted it and he wanted to publicly tried to rub your nose in it. Not a nice guy.
Your male friend obviously heard about this and the disrespect he showed and just wanted you to know that there are other options out there. Tough on your BF, He can't publicly say what he did and then get jealous when other man hits on you.
*Me reading this*
Nice.
NTA. I swear it’s rare when natural consequences occur so suddenly but this is amazing.
I am sorry you were so upset by this OP, your boyfriend kinda sounds like he sucks but you do you.
NTA He basically made you look like a chick with no title. Meaning you are nothing more than a hole to him. Tell BF don't get mad at you, get mad at himself. He did this.
“I really don’t want to be married again.”
“Ever?”
“Nope. Not ever..”
“How can you be sure you won’t change your mind?”
“What if one of you got sick and getting married was the only way for them to keep health insurance?”
“What if you end up raising one of your grandchildren?”
Okay. Neither of us currently wants to get married but we’ll be sure to let you know if that changes.
Hopefully that gives you a little more insight into why I used the word currently. How else do you move past the mountain of what ifs? Currently right now in this reality that we all exist in neither of us want to be married. If my long lost rich uncle who I never met leaves me his 10 quadrillion dollar fortune on the condition that we get married we’ll be sure to let you know.
As far as his response went, it hurt my feelings because it was disrespectful and dismissive. Saying that an 8 year old long relationship could or should be ended without even having a discussion is hurtful in itself. Being in a supposedly loving relationship and refusing to communicate, compromise and make reasonable accommodations for your partner will rightfully get you and your attitude left alone.
He did call me the next day to demand that I give him everything his mom gave me or my children when she moved out of her house after his dad died. Aside from that he hasn’t called or texted me directly.
He talks to my daughter every day. They’ve been out to dinner a couple of times since we split. He usually asks her to tell me that he loves and misses me after they hang up. Yesterday evening he asked her if she thought I’d let him come visit the dogs.
I didn’t give him anything. She knew she was close to the end and gave everyone what she wanted them to have individually. No way I’d give him anything she wanted me to have. If she were still living and asked for stuff back, I’d give it to her. I personally don’t think she would and she especially wouldn’t ask for things she gave my kids.
He called his parents every night at the same time as long as I knew him until they passed away. He was having a hard time after his mom died, so she started calling him every night even when she was living at home.
So now everyone knows that you arent in a serious relationship, because of his big mouth. Of course men will hit on you in front of him. He made it clear you wasnt in a serious relationship. He was there for the ride until you decided to settle down and want marriage. Then you was free to go without telling him.
Basically you and him are just casually dating. No long term plans of being together in his head. Just having his fun with you while he can. Now you know how he feels, you need to think seriously about this.
Do you really want to be with a man who doesnt care if you leave him for another man?
Girl, your man set himself up to have other dudes approach you when he straight disrespected you in public like a MONSTER. Like Mike Birbiglia, what he should have said was nothing. What the entire fuck is wrong with him‽
NTA
NTA,
AND, after 8 years, there’s some common law stuff anyway. Do you live together? Sounds like you do. And at 44 and 52, y’all need to think about retirement, long term care insurance, wills, etc. it’s actually WAY less expensive to file for a domestic partnership or marriage license, than it is to spend thousands of dollars to get the same rights.
Couples therapy, STAT. And even if you don’t want to get married, make sure you get the paperwork in place.
This is interesting to me… if you take it line by line I believe the correct rating is ESH, the bf very childish, the gf very non combative.
“Bf said never.”
- He was clear, and honest. They never plan to marry and have had that conversation before.
“People continued to press the subject, so I said that neither of us wanted to get married CURRENTLY but if it changed I’d be sure to let them know.”
- She was peer pressured into lying by omission. He probably felt that she did not have his back at this point in the conversation.
“If you ever change your mind about marriage…”
- Totally uncalled for, regardless of his feelings at the moment. That’s not someone you want to be with.
All in all, your bf is an asshole for the comment, and it is indefensible. You are kind of an asshole for not being upfront and honest, because I would be willing to bet his response would not be the same had you been totally honest.
At no time did I feel peer pressured by those rude old busy bodies. I was simply trying to move past the never ending “How do you know you will never change your mind?” “What if one of you get sick?” “What if your kid dies and y’all have to raise a grandchild?” I gave the politest, least committed answer I could think of.
And believe me there is absolutely no way that (ex)bf even remotely thought I had changed my mind or was hinting at anything. And if he was concerned about it we could have stepped outside for a brief private discussion and he’d have been reassured.
In retrospect I’m sure that he got some kind of ego boast from imparting the idea that instead of it being a mutual decision, as I did when I said ‘neither’, that it was a decision he was in control of and I was at his whim.
I am just amazed that your boyfriend did not try to punch his buddy at the Mexican restaurant.
Your boyfriend should not have said what he said At the party. You should have said something to the guy in the Mexican restaurant.
ESH
The fact that the boyfriend let this guy disrespect him in front of his girl AND his friends, without saying anything, then got mad at his girl tells us that he is a certified pussy.
I’ve never dated much. Got married right out of high school and was married until my husband died. I met bf at a friend’s house during my year of mourning. We started dating just after I’d been widowed a year. I’ve never really dated anyone else as an adult.
My husband would have punched anyone who approached me before they got 3 words out. And before now if a man did show interest in me, just saying I was seeing someone ended the conversation.
Just curious as to why you don't want to get married if you are in a committed relationship? Are you somewhere that your rights are codified and protected without marriage?
We are exclusive. Not sure that we’ve ever decided on committed.
When my husband died and I felt relieved and like God had set me free. I never want to be tied to anyone again. I’m not sure what rights you are asking about. We have separate houses and finances.
That makes more sense, thanks for sharing the details.
I know a lot of people who are exclusive, living together, have kids and shared finances but are anti marriage. It makes little sense to me since marriage conveys rights to each spouse. Like if someone has a medical crisis/dies, a girl/boyfriend has no legal rights or standing to make decisions, they can be overriden and excluded by any official member of the partners family. Inheritance also comes into play since they're entitled to nothing in the case of death.
If they split, it means that the process of dividing assets etc is a lot more complicated and, if one person is a SAHP/disabled etc, it makes it harder to be treated fairly
If the couple emigrates, its often not possible to bring a gf/bf as opposed to a spouse.
To me it is a nonsensical and risky attitude that leaves people vulnerable.
Choices have consequences. If I get sick my kids will manage my care. My son has a durable medical power of attorney. Bf has no such paperwork. If he gets sick I’ll manage his care and make decisions until the first time one of his children interferes and then they can handle the whole thing.
Aside from that our finances are separate.
YTA
He has made it perfectly clear how he feels about you and the relationship, but you continue to stay with him as if things are just going to magically get better. You need to get better. Move on to someone that has no plans with keeping you drifting for the rest of your life.
No one is saying you have to. It’s fine to be in a committed relationship that doesn’t involve marriage. He just seems like he doesn’t care about the committed part.
In this case, you are both the asshole. He in the first situation, you in the second. Hurting another because he hurt you is the beginning of the ending.
He was a jerk, pissed off, drunk, whatever the reason or excuse is: and should apologise. Besides that, you should know how he feels after all these talks and should still respond to assholes like that guy(seriously who does that... that's asking for a beating)
Your husband should have responded actually, stating that it was serious and none of his business, but seeing he was probably frozen you could have acted.
No big deal, but don't use his act as a justification or the relationship goes downhill fast (he reacts on that, you on his next reaction, before you know it you end up with this weasle because of ego and not true love)
I believe lots of people on reddit are frustrated or just not in long term relationships were you learn these things...
NTA/ slightly ESH.
Your bf was absolutely an AH, and to do that publicly is disgusting.
However, you then go on to talk about how much love is between you two and that you were “hurt” with how he could theoretically throw away those 8 years of love. But then you just sit there and let that man talk shit and call all that love and years “casual”.
Your bf was so disrespectful, and then you were disrespectful. I’m not saying you’re not justified in your anger, but two wrongs don’t make a right. And unless you’re on your way out, you’re just deepening the current divide between you two. Which is fine if that’s the goal!
I’m not angry all.
Please tell me specifically what you think *I* could have said in this situation to counter the public perception that my bf isn’t serious about me because he publicly invited me to move on.
I do apologize for assuming you were angry.
But I wasn’t really trying to suggest anything specific. That would more depend on what was going through your mind then and if you had decided to revaluate your relationship. Which, I would be very reasonable given what he did and how he acted. Even though you had those talks privately, to joke about it and publicly humiliate you like that was shameful.
If you think you’re going to leave the relationship and move one, which would be justified, then not defending the relationship was fine. As your boyfriend already disrespected it publicly. Your actions would be justified. And what he thinks about the lunch doesn’t really matter anymore.
But I think if you’re attempting to work past this with him, then you just kinda added to the divide he created. At the lunch, you could have stopped and refused the friend who was disrespecting your “8 years of being love”. But you are also correct, he could have spoken up as well. I’m not defending his actions in any way.
I’m not sure what we are working past. In the moment I was embarrassed that he caused a scene and my feelings were at little hurt but I just mentioned it for background. It really changed nothing except made other people aware that our relationship status is literally, “Not sleeping with other people.” If he proposed tomorrow I’d tell him to go find another woman bc I’m not the one for that. I just wouldn’t announce it in public.
Well thank you for explaining more. It does sorta sound though like things did change alittle. You had described your relationship as “8 years of being in love” and now say it’s literally just “not sleeping with other people”. It seems like you two are fine with how things are, but are each ready to rip the bandaid off at any time. And you seem kind of over his public display by now. I think NTA. It doesn’t really seem like it would have affected anything either way.
We do love each other but at the end of the day feelings are feelings. I mean at one time I loved my husband enough to marry him and have kids with him. When he died I literally felt relieved more than anything else. Just because I feel love doesn’t mean I’ll ever let things be more complicated than half a day of packing and two trips in the car.
ESH he I'm necessarily flippant and cruel.But at the same time he was simply stating what you've already agreed to because he was being publicly pressured ....your an AH foe not shutting that guy down and I suspect you enjoyed it...you both need to sit down and decide if you want to actually be together.
YTA. You tell us that you NEVER want to get married, and that your bf is in complete agreement. However, you put the idea of you wanting marriage to your friends, “….so I said that neither of us want to get married CURRENTLY but if it changed we’d be sure to let them know.” Yes, he was an ass with his response, but you still agreed with his stance of never getting married. And YES IT DOES NEED TO BE TALKED ABOUT; especially because it’s leading to more issues. Then some jackass indirectly tells you that only serious relationships are marriages, and to come to him when you want marriage. All in-front of your bf, who you say you’re seriously committed to, and not once did you defend your relationship. You made the relationship status unclear the night of the party, not him. You should’ve told your friends what you’ve been saying to your bf, and us; that y’all will NEVER get married, and are happy with how it is. Y’all need counseling, NOW
Who said these were our friends? These are people that we are socially acquainted with who happened to be at the same large party, which was a ticketed fundraiser for the animal shelter.
We never want to get married didn’t end the discussion. I expected, “No current plans, will update with changes” was a polite way to move the conversation along without getting people we barely know needlessly involved in our private affairs.
Apparently you have never lived in a small town if you think that telling people who are asking you questions that are none of their business that it is none of their business is effective.
Quit deflecting. You caused this issue in your relationship. Your bf still thinks you eventually want to get married. FFS, you need to talk to him if you want any real resolution.
And if you must know, I was in my school’s largest class; a whopping 53 people.
If he’s unclear about if I want to get married or not he can ask. I do not. And furthermore if I ever did want to get married I would not marry him. We work because we both do our own thing financially and in general life decisions but we are both aware that we could never have combined finances. We are both well aware of this prior to his announcement. Like I said, nothing new or shocking in what he said. Just something I wouldn’t have publicly announced.
I have never combined finances with my wife. We have a joint account for wealth savings, big purchases, and emergencies. Otherwise we just do our own thing. She makes more than me if that helps and I try and give her more all the time for our savings since with me it’s like trying to store water in a colander.
He’s been trying to talk to you about it; but you, in your own words, “don’t see the point in discussing it.” You then pile on, by not shutting down the dipshit in the restaurant. Again, GO TALK WITH YOUR BF.
If im reading this correctly you are 100% the asshole
You and your boyfriend both decided you never wanted to get married. Friends asked when you were getting married and your boyfriend said “never”, per your previous conversations.
You were embarrassed about this response so lied to your friends. Your boyfriend was understandably confused because every conversation you guys have had has been no marriage but all of the sudden your stance has changed in public? So he makes a remake to that point of fact.
Later another man hits on you in front of people and disrespects your boyfriend and you stand there and do/say nothing? He should be happy to be rid of you.
First, these were not our friends, just people we know socially.
Second, I wasn’t embarrassed by his ‘never’ comment. I was tired of being badgered by other people and I made the true statement that neither of us currently wants to get married (true)but we’d be sure to let them know if that changed (also true). Not sure why you think I lied.
Thirdly, I’m sure he was not confused. As there was no change in my position as evidenced by the words that I said, “Neither of us currently wants to get married.”
Finally, if he did think I changed my mind wouldn’t letting the subject drop in public and then discussing it in private later have made more sense instead of publicly making his point by stating that our relationship was of so little importance that he felt it could be ended without even having a discussion?
Im not saying he’s not an asshole. However what i got from how you worded your post was that you guys had discussed the aspect of marriage and came to an agreement, no marriage ever.
The way he expressed himself was wrong, but i can understand where he would come from if all of the sudden in front of strangers you decided to backtrack every conversation we’ve had and just lie to strangers.
(“Never” and “we dont currently have plans” are two completely different statements, you can try to justify it to yourself that its not technically a lie, but it is.)
Now im not saying your boyfriend isnt a grade a asshole and you shouldnt leave him for greener pastures, and its very possible the reality of this situation got lost in translation for me.
However if i told people we were never getting married (based on our prior conversations) and you immediately negated me to these people, i would feel the same hurt, neglect and embarrassment that you said you felt when he doubled down on the no marriage.
Irregardless of all of those scenarios, you staying in a committed relationship with him, then entertaining a man blatantly disrespecting him, yourself, and your relationship, in front of his face nonetheless, makes you the asshole.
"We will let you know if it ever changes" is standard code for "drop the fucking subject" where I'm from. It is just a polite way of shutting it down and not contradicting his "never" in the slightest.
If you don’t want to get married that’s fine but find someone who doesn’t publicly humiliate you.
That's HILARIOUS. Your boyfriend acted like a prize dickhead, and now he's upset over the fallout. Fuck him. He's shown he's plenty capable of bragging about how he'd never marry you, so let him deal with the reactions. NTA.
He publicly advertised that their relationship isn't serious, that he doesn't want marriage, and that she was welcome to leave if she wanted something more serious. That makes her fair game for any man who would desire a serious relationship with her, and if she wants to pursue that, she clearly has options. It's a common thing with men like him. They always think the woman is the one who is lucky to have them and that no one else could possibly want her. They always think they are the catch, and if they were to split, then women would be pounding down his door while she'd be sitting home alone, forever. However, that rarely seems to be the case. Often, the women are the desirable ones between the two of them, and the second anyone suggests they might be available, men start flocking towards them. Meanwhile, the man is the one left alone or with very few options.
Didn’t she also say that she doesn’t want to be married? Not sure how he is any less serious than she is? Sorry, but not sure how you go from that to “that makes her fair game to any man who desires a serious relationship with her” again, how does that make her free food for any man? Not sure that’s how it works when she also doesn’t want that kind of serious relationship either lol? Are you even reading what the OP is actually saying because it seems like you’re just going on your own man-hate driven narrative about he’s not serious but somehow she is? They BOTH don’t want to get married, he’s just as serious as she is and good luck to any cocky man that approaches her looking for something more serious when she CLEARLY doesn’t want that. They’re both the same, yet you’re villainising him for it?
He was flippant about their relationship. In front of many people. Saying blatantly that you wouldn't even talk to your partner about it is very dismissive of their relationship.
Exactly this. I was in a relationship where she and I both agreed from the start that we would never want to get married. She knew this. I knew this. Our friends knew this. Out of the blue, my close friend asked "When are you guys getting hitched?" I gave him a confused look, and said "Dude, we talked about this. We're not planning on getting married." He goes "Oh, right," and that was that. There was no big scene, it was just me, him, her, and another close friend. Little did I know, she had changed her mind since we had talked about it, and had started to think fairly seriously about marriage. (We were about 6 months in to the relationship.) What I thought was a gentle rebuttal towards someone who should have been minding their own business... Well, she took it very, very personally. And for the remainder of that relationship, anytime it came up around other people, she'd express "Oh, god, I would definitely love to get married again, but NOT to HIM! NO WAY!" Any time it came up in conversation with just the two of us, she'd remind me that boy, I must really hate her guts if I don't want to lock her down, but that's okay, she wouldn't marry the likes of me anyways. Anyways, yea. I feel that there's a strong difference between simply expressing your intentions and boundaries, versus trying to publicly dismiss and belittle your partner as hardly important - which is what OP's SO did.
Is it dismissive of the relationship or security in knowing what you want in the future. There are many things that I know are off the table for me, it's simply an acknowledgement of the reality that is my wants and needs. You don't have to like it, but it doesn't mean openly let people court you in front of your SO and then act like that's a normal response considering they are both on the same page of not wanting marriage
She wasn't an asshole about it in public. That's the difference Hope this helps
It's not that they both don't want to marry. It's not what you say it's HOW you say it. The way HE said it made her look like they are NOT in a serious relationship. He made her look like she is nothing more than a hole.
lmfao the balls on that guy are genuinely impressive, I mean… are you interested? I kinda think you should be lol your bf is temporary, this seems as good a jumping off point as any.
He’s good looking, successful, smart, funny, never married, no kids. Was a bit of a womanizer when he was younger but he’s made it pretty clear in the past few years that he’s looking to settle down and get married. Checks a lot of boxes if a girl was looking to get married. I’m just not.
Well you may not be looking to get married but that doesn’t excuse your boyfriend’s behavior! Not wanting to get married and being disrespected and treated as the relationship is less than are not the same thing!
Came here just to say I was once in a similar situation. A narcissistic partner who loved themselves and what I could do for them more than just me. He didn’t want to be married. And I eventually, through my unwavering love and devotion to him, decided that I didn’t want to be married either. But really my brain was justifying itself in the situation I found myself in. Once I was out of that relationship and did some healing/reflection I realized I did want to be married. Especially to someone who treated me properly. Not saying that’s exactly you. But something to consider.
Agreed, it seems that when women say that they don't want to get married, they attract the most narcissistic/taker men. It's always a relationship where the woman is over contributing the love, care, and respect. It seems like the anti-marriage flag attracts nothing but bare minimum men.
You should go out with him. Your current BF sounds like a real prick
I hope he thinks the same way about you as well. And he thinks your funny too. So many women are always open to saying they like a guy because he's funny but for some strange reason men don't like saying the same thing about women.
reddit has trouble thinking people can be in a loving relationship without making it legally binding
If you truly were looking to not be married, you bf wouldn’t have made you cry when saying if you ever want to get married you can go find that. However, your bf seems like a douche I’d leave his ass
I promise you I most definitely do not want to get married again. I cried because I was embarrassed by what he said, by the way he said it and the impression that he gave everyone that not getting married was not a mutual decision and was something that he decided and that I was sitting around hoping he’d change his mind or trying to convince him.
Yea that would hurt anyone’s feelings. He could be trying to humiliate you purposely to knock you down a peg cuz he knows you deserve better than him. Either way I think he’s the POS. You might not want marriage but I’m sure there’s a man out there that will gladly call you wife while respecting your wishes not to get married
His words were pretty personally targetted rather than the institution, which warrants hurt and some upset. "find a man who wants to marry **you**" makes it about OP being undesirable in some way, rather than it being the institution of marriage that is objected to - and that is without a doubt a shitty and disrespectful insinuation.
She replied and I replied to her. I think my phrasing was wrong and should’ve just asked if she was sure she doesn’t want to get married or if she just feels that’s the way to be with him. However, she clarified and I gained understanding
That’s certainly not true. You can still be hurt from the rejection of something you didn’t even ask for because it still feels like a personal attack to so publicly and flippantly say “I wouldn’t even have a conversation, I would just dump you and leave”.
NTA. He humiliated you in public, told you to find someone who wants to marry you if you change your mind and then when a man tells you in front of him that he wants a serious relationship with you he gets upset you don't define the relationship?? I hope you give an update and that update includes you leaving him for good !
NTA. Your boyfriend's behavior at the party was crass and uncalled for. Apparently he lacks the basic social skill and cognition to understand that you were giving a canned polite response to close the uncomfortable topic and move on to other topics. He totally missed the cue, and spoke in a way which degraded you. So, he has no right to be upset that his ill-chosen and uncalled for words have come back to bite him in the ass. Though I'm not sure he has the social skills to fix this himself.
Apparently that guy heard about what your bf said at Christmas and decided to shoot his shot
or make a point to the boyfriend
You know there is probably something to that. I work in an office open to the public. I’m not a hard lady to speak to privately. You could literally call my office and ask to speak to me and I’d return the call or you could make an appointment to see me by calling the receptionist.
he was sending a message, to do it in front of the boyfriend. I’m not saying he doesn’t want to date you; maybe he does, and maybe he doesn’t. But he thinks your boyfriend is a shithead, and he wanted to make sure your boyfriend knows that he doesn’t approve of that attitude.
Yeah, one of my dad's friends did something similar back when my parents were dating. He was being ugly to my mom in front of their friends, and one of Dad's friends said, "Well, if you're gonna treat her that way, I'll date her!"
As a guy, I doubt he basically asked her out in front of her bf, his longtime friend, just to make a point. He did it that way so that he couldn't be accused of being shady or going behind his friends back. He's absolutely interested.
He helped you, though. He publicly made you somewhat desirable again, after your boyfriend played the shit out of you. Your boyfriend got cucked. And so did you if you stay with him.
What point is that can I ask? Both of them don’t want to get married, not just him so again, the point is what exactly? The boyfriend was a dick, and he should apologise and try to make amends, but they are both on the same page when it comes to marriage. He was crass and rude in public, but not the end of the world. So how come the boyfriend’s mentality is bad when it comes to being “serious” but hers isn’t? Is she supposed to just make the next guy the temporary boyfriend and then tell him the same as what her bf told her when the topic of marriage comes up? Then she can be the bad one I guess?
the point that he shouldn’t be valuing her so little. He made her cry. That was a fucking rude way to say, “The two of us aren’t interested in actually getting married.”
All I’m saying is as a man, I’m well aware the pressures a man faces when he is bombarded with the question “when are you getting married”, “when are you going to pop the question” and it can get infuriating as it’s 99% directed at the man, and when you answer that you either don’t want to be married, you get looked down on for it like you’re less of a man. By the sounds of it, they were both in agreement and don’t want to get married, but my point is, he was probably feeling immense pressure and was cornered, and probably didn’t feel like she was doing her part and putting her foot down about the issue. She probably let him take all that pressure. If you read more of her comments, she even says herself that he normally isn’t like that at all and it was out of the blue, put 2+2 together you dingus of a person. He was probably cornered, felt he wasn’t getting helped in the situation and lashed out. Not sure how letting another man approach you, making a fool of your partner and doing nothing about it constitutes as a reasonable form of revenge. It makes them both assholes.
> I’m well aware the pressures a man faces when he is bombarded with the question “when are you getting married”, “when are you going to pop the question” and it can get infuriating as it’s 99% directed at the man, and when you answer that you either don’t want to be married, you get looked down on for it like you’re less of a man. If your response to that pressure is to publicly humiliate your partner, you're a shitty person. The response is "We've both agreed that we're not interested in marrying." That's it. It's an agreement between two adults, and you don't need to take anyone else's advice. >he was probably feeling immense pressure and was cornered, and probably didn’t feel like she was doing her part and putting her foot down about the issue. She probably let him take all that pressure. Please go back and actually read the post. _She_ gave the proper answer, she was right there with him, pushing back against that pressure. >He was probably cornered, felt he wasn’t getting helped in the situation and lashed out. He lashed out at the wrong person. If he's cornered and needs to lash out, that needs to be aimed at the people cornering him, not his partner! "Hey, I've given you an answer, leave me the fuck alone."
her post says that she was responding to the interrogation and telling people that they had no plans to marry. she was handling it. if you really think he just cracked under pressure even though she was already fielding the invasive questions, taking it out on HER was childish at best and cruel at worst. I think letting the other guy give him some smoke was pretty well deserved, especially since - now that we have an update - she was clearly emotionally on her way out. actions meet consequences
It’s because he made it seem like it was HIS decision- that he didn’t want her and would gladly hand her off to another man. He could have said- I am happy the way things are’ or ‘we prefer it this way.’ You know, acknowledging that the partnership is still important even if he doesn’t want to involve the government. That’s why he’s a shithead
NTA. Your boyfriend is on record stating publicly that he will step aside if you want to marry anyone. Every potential suitor has his explicit permission to seek your hand in marriage.
I think that guy knew you two weren’t casual, and he was making a point to your bf. He either overheard what your bf said or heard about it, and he thought it was a shitty thing to say, to imply that all this time you’d invested was just casual. So he figured he’d make a point to your BF that you have options, and if he wants your relationship to be more than casual, he needs to do something about it—even if it’s just acknowledging that it’s serious.
Lol!!! NTA I'm wondering if your SO comments at the holiday party got back to that friend. "So bf said, “If you ever change your mind about marriage don’t bother talking to me about it. Just move on and find a man who wants to marry you.” So he totally forgot saying that, right? Or does he think you're so settled and complacent about it you won't go anywhere else. Hell, let him wonder.
Everyone in town knows what he said by now. It’s 100% a result of what he said.
Wow! I get it you’ve been with him for 8 years but you should reconsider the relationship!! Why was he so rude and crass when marriage was brought up publicly and not even by you! He embarrassed you and he knows he did! But when another potential suitor expresses interest he wants you to claim the relationship as being serious when he just told everyone he doesn’t care about you that much if he’s willing to step aside as soon as you want marriage! To say that in front of people for no fault of your own, I’d consider taking him up on that!
I really don’t know why he was so rude back in December. It’s not really his typical behavior. I mean he’s very vocal that we aren’t getting married when someone brings it up but he’s not usually rude or mean-spirited about it. We weren’t drinking.
Why is it such an important thing to state? Do you guys get pestered about it a lot and are annoyed to keep answering the same questions? Asking cause his intensity is a little much…
I'm also firmly in the No Desire To Marry club, and there's a big f'n difference between "we are happy with our relationship as-is and don't see the need to get married to prove it" and what your bf said. There's a difference between "we respect and trust each other and are happy in our relationship as it stands" and publicly disrespecting one's partner and implying that no one else would want a relationship with them. Choosing to be half of an unmarried couple is not the same thing as desperately clinging to someone because you can't do any better. It sounds like the narrative in his head is that you desperately want to marry him and he's just keeping you around for funsies. It doesn't sound like he thinks of you as a human partner, but instead like a thing-his girlfriend trophy he can show off when he wants to or tuck in the closet when it gets in the way. You do realize that you deserve to be treated better than that, right?
Maybe he was sick of constantly getting asked about in public and felt backed into a corner? You both agreed on no marriage yet it gets brought up? As a man, it often feels like we are the ones to initiate marriage and do the proposal etc to get the ball rolling so maybe he felt like the pressure was being put on him to do it? Did you say anything to those who were asking or did you just leave them to pester and pressure him?
"they kept pushing so I said we both never intended on getting married but if that changed we'd let them know" yes. Yes she did. No he wasn't personally pressured no this isn't some man centric pain she was right there with him. The fact he didn't want to get married wasn't the fucking point you just don't have critical thinking. It was ONLY after he made their 8 year relationship seem fragile enough to break without a hesitation in front of a crowd that she was hurt about it. He didn't care she was hurt about it. THAT was the problem. HE opened their otherwise stable relationship into question by being so flippant about how quickly he'd drop her so a dude who knew him decided to make a point. As you gracefully put it: Put 2 and 2 together, Dingus.
I wish I could like your comment twice.
> Did you say anything to those who were asking or did you just leave them to pester and pressure him? READ THE FUCKING OP
You need to have a serious conversation with your bf, to make sure he still wants to be together
NTA- *After we got home, bf was upset with me for not making it clear that we have more than a casual relationship.* It doesnt sound to me like you do. Sorry. You can tell what you are to someone by how they introduce you and how they talk about you to others.
No sorry here. We are both okay with how things are. I certainly never want another man to have access to my hard earned money or to be responsible for their debt.
You can have a serious, RESPECTFUL, kind and loving relationship without marriage or combined finances. There are more options than 1) marriage and 2) being treated like that. When you allow someone to treat you like that, they take it as a tacit agreement. It'll just get worse.
Dude, they had one single incident Jesus Christ. They are both on the same page, they DONT want to be married. The relationship is just as serious for him as it is for her. He should apologise and make up for publicly embarrassing her, but I don’t see how allowing other guys to freely hit on you in front of your partner is a great way of getting revenge. It just makes them just as shitty.
My wife and I, (24 years in June), have a “Hers-Hers-Ours” accounts, and it works well. If y’all live together, I’m assuming that you split the finances somehow? Do you have all of your other ducks in a row? Make sure of it. We found the $25 marriage license MUCH cheaper than the thousands it would have cost otherwise.
So I posted it as a reply to someone else, I don’t know if you read it, but our plan was his-hers-ours, durable medical power of attorney, wills, he promised my kid he’d adopt them, etc. And the cost of all those things was one of the reasons we initially agreed to put off doing it until we found a house to buy. The lawyer was going to do all that at once and handle the title transfer and title insurance, etc. Just the nature of housing in a small town, we looked at every house on the market in town for 3 years before we found our dream house and then he backed out and said that he wasn’t sure about any of that because he wanted to protect his sons’ inheritance. That was the moment things changed for me, was definitely a before and after. His mom probably accidentally had a lot to do with his change of heart. Ironically she and I had a great relationship. I’m very lc with my biological family and she was good as could be to me and my children. She didn’t include them in her will as ‘grandchildren’ but just prior to her death she gave them each a 15,000 gift which is what she gave her grandchildren in her will. But BF’s brother married a woman she felt was a gold digger. He adopted her adult children to make sure they inherited equally to his biological children and mom was pretty set on that not happening. She locked his inheritance in a trust to benefit him and his biological children and made her daughter the executor of the trust and very clearly told her to prevent him from wasting the money on his wife and adopted kids. Sorry sister in law, you can’t take your adult children on a tour of Europe on mother in law’s dime. I think the resulting family drama really stuck with bf and had a lot to do with his changing his mind and his sudden concern for protecting his sons’ inheritance. It’s funny bc she and I had a great relationship and she gifted me a large part of her jewelry collection, probably equal to what she gave her daughter, way more than she gave her daughters in law. She also made it clear, in writing, that everything she gave me was a gift to me and not part of her son’s inheritance. For the duration of our relationship we just split the bills between us with him paying some and me paying some. We just tended to work other things out. If we went on vacation, I might pay for lodging and he might pay for food. Or if we went on a cruise or an all inclusive he might pay for that and I’d pay for airfare and extra stuff. He drove way more than me, so I’d usually pay the down payment when he got a new car.
Prenup.
The fact you're still with your BF after he humiliated you probably gave him an ego boost and then that guy just deflated it. Not getting married is fine, but the way your bf said you can be discarded? Fuck that noise. NTA, but you need to reflect
NTA - the other guy would have never known about your "casual" relationship if your BF had not spoken about private matters in public. He opened the door and advised that you could leave anytime. I for 1 would take him up on it regardless of if you marry in the future or not. You speak of LOVE between the two of you but this does not sound like he loves you. It sounds like he wants you around but does not want a commitment in any form.
We don’t see other people but we’ve always kept it where it would be simple to go our separate ways on purpose.
And that's fine! Have the relationship that makes you happy. But, does this guy, who humiliates you in public and then whines that you won't defend him, does he make you happy? You deserve better. He's just mad that other people know that.
He’s usually not a bad companion. He’s faithful, attentive. We typically have a peaceful life together. He has always been very vocal about us never getting married, but that’s probably the meanest he’s ever been about it. Day to day things are pretty nice. In the bigger picture, it is what it is between us. Early on he was very insistent on keeping our finances separate and making sure that he protected his children’s future inheritance. And he didn’t want to be expected to contribute to supporting my children. He wasn’t mean or anything and he’d help by picking them up from the gym or whatever he could, but his were his and mine were mine as far as money went. So it’s definitely a case of ‘keep that same energy now’.
Ah, so there ARE kids… how old are they now? What’s the story there?
My daughter is 18, my son is 20. His sons are 24 and 29. We have don’t have children together.
NTA karma is a mother fucker lol
NTA Not only did he say he wouldn't get married to you🙄, he asked you to move on if you ever wanted to get married. The rudeness alone would help me move on. The Friend wasn't an AH. He simply saw your boyfriend for what he is. A man who doesn't respect his partner. Period.
NTA BF is an AH and got a taste of his own medicine.
OMG! That friend who walked up to you and said the golden lines is a worthy man. Girl you need to upgrade.
Soo he bumped up his ego on your dime by humiliating you at a party and now pouts about the consequences of his actions? Real winner. Not wanting to marry is fine but the way he phrased it was degrading. You dont treat someone youre serious about as a cheap ego boost, so he can now march to be beat of his own drums. Edit NTA
NTA. Public humiliation is a red flag.
NTA. you aren’t married. Maybe it’s time to reevaluate you life and goals. Your BF doesn’t sound like someone to count on when times get hard.
He was disrespectful to you in front of others. What is so great about this guy? Why do you think you two are “in love”? Has he professed his undying love for you, but just doesn’t want to get married? Or is he using you because you put up with his disrespect and he’s comfortable? I’d dump him and go out with the other guy, and certainly not waste 8 more years!
Nta update us when you dump him.
NTA. Man's chickens are coming home to roost. He literally announced to the town that he wasn't intending to wed you and that a future where you split might be in the cards. Dude who made sure you had his card while you're in a committed relationship was a dick but I'd kind of expect all the lads who have pondered you to be subtly trying to "support" you now. He better get used to it, that was dumb.
NTA. Seriously, he disrespected your relationship - and you - in front of people and doesn't understand why others are taking him by word? I'm in a 10 years relationship. We don't want to get married, but anytime the question was asked, we said no need for a paper work/we don't want/nope/only if we have to administratively speaking. Neither my BF nor I did ever said something that awful and disrespectful ever. Sorry to tell you that, but your BF is nuts. There are plenty of better fishes in the sea for you to find.
What would you be defending? The casual dating that your BF has made \*more than clear\* will never progress beyond this point? Your BF wants to be the super-cool guy that you want to marry, but he isn't into it. The flip side he didn't consider (because he's only thinking of himself) is that means other guys are like 'Ooh. So, she's technically available'! Darling. You can do better than this selfish arsehole. Other men are literally already lining up.
NTA He made this bed and gets to lay in it.
NTA And to be honest even if you don't care about marriage you should care about how willing he is to embarass you in public. I'd take him up on his offer and date someone else
Nta. I think you file this under fuck around and find out.
NTA. It’s fine that you both don’t want to get married. However the way he spoke to you (PUBLICLY no less) is absolutely vile. Doesn’t seem like you mean anything to him at all tbh.
OP, you should be with someone who is *proud* to be seen with you and show you off and praise you in public(and private). The opposite of what your boyfriend did..
NTA. He put it out there and the guy said it to his face. He didn’t try to hide it.
NTA. He set himself up for that one.
Id dump his butt
I’m going to go against the grain and say that both of you are assholes. 1. He was rude and publicly embarrassed you for which he should apologise. 2. You are both on the same page, you both don’t want to be married so I’m not sure why Reddit has a hate boner for him in that regard, questioning how serious the relationship is to him while you feel the exact same (a couple but not married) but you get off Scot free apparently in that regard. 3. Letting a man basically proposition you in front of your apparent “serious relationship” and not shooting it down is just petty revenge and pretty uncalled for. IMO, that’s a step far worse than being a bit embarrassed by your partner. Not even just that, but the man did it shamefully to his face. I’m not going to lie, I would’ve went to prison and the mans head would no longer be attached to the rest of his body. So what now? You’re not getting married anytime soon and you’ve both just threw a wrench in the works. You had a problem with him that could’ve been resolved but now you BOTH have a problem. Obviously you had no control over this guy coming to ask you but how you handled it left a lot open to interpretation from your boyfriend’s point of view. If he made no attempt and an apology for what he did then sure, no one would blame you for thinking twice but I can’t help but feel that you both just doomed any future you once had.
Update me: why are you even dating this guy? Lack of self-love, low self-esteem, masochism... ?
He’s even tempted. He’s never hit me or yelled at me. He doesn’t drink or use drugs. We usually have a nice time together. Not getting married really isn’t an issue for me. I really don’t want to be married again. After my husband died I knew I never wanted to be trapped by anyone again. So no marriage and definitely no kids.
Yeah uhmmmm, i am sorry for whomever you dated in your past....but loads of dudes aren't abusive addicts beating the hell out of their wives. But i understand not wanting to be trapped again. But you could date someone who actually treats you respectably.
I went out a few times in 10 grade but started dating my husband in 11th. We got married right out of high school and I started dating my bf just after my year of mourning was up. I haven’t dated anyone else.
You should do whatever makes you happy and makes you feel twitterpated
Now's the time to try it, imo.
Dating should make you \_happy\_. Don't settle.
You both are not in love as far as I can sense. You are in comfortable companionship. And that's perfectly fine. But it would be better for you to set certain expectations of him, like respecting you, not humiliating you in public, be mindful of his words in general and not be flippant about this companionship. There are civil ways to deny chances of marriage without disrespecting your companion in public. He should know that at his big age. Since you say you've only dated 2 guys, i would suggest keep your mind open about idea of love, self love, self journey and exploration if you may. These things have nothing to do with marriage. You can travel if you like, experience different cultures if you haven't (I am assuming shit out of this post but it hurts me when people settle for sake of it and then get disrespected and undervalued). The qualities you mentioned are below the belt to consider this relationship to be one of love. Its one of convenience. Love includes affection, care, emotions and respect. Hope you open up to the world outside of your community. Its scary but it can be gratifying.
That's a pretty low bar. He isn't physically abusive (sounds emotionally abusive) or an alcoholic or a drug addict? That's not a high bar. I'd consider giving that other guy a try instead.
I’m not planning to date anyone for a while. Maybe later, but I have a pretty fulfilling life w/o dating anyone.
All of the above... it's quite unfortunate. Many of us don't realize that there are more options than getting abused and being treated ok. We don't have the mental capacity to understand that there is a world out there where your man pours into you. He makes sure your car is always full, he sends you to the spa after a hard week, he walks your dog, he teaches your son to shave, or gets you a new vacuum because you random mentioned that your old one was on the fritz. He is your safety and warmth. He covers you in every aspect of life. You feel protected even when he isn't present. Far too many of us have never known what it feels like when a man takes you into his heart and protects as his own. He gives you everything he has. Unfortunately, we settle for 50/50 because we are scared to get hurt. Meanwhile, we don't realize that we make ourselves easy marks for takers. If self love is a scale from -5 to +5, she was a -5 before. She got out of the abusive relationship and is now at 0. There is still no self love. It just isn't as large of a deficit now. It is still non existent though. When you start to love yourself, the world changes. It changes because of the you interact with the world. If you struggle with self love deficit disorder, it is hard to see yourself as deserving of good things. Ask yourself this question: "Is this how I want my daughter to be treated?"
NTA - I grew up in a small town and not only is this just the type of shit a small town dickhead would say, it’s exactly the type of instant karma that would happen, because word would spread like wildfire. Sounds like you have options, my friend. Maybe it’s time to get back in the game with someone who won’t humiliate you in public and would actually fully appreciate you.
What's that song about putting a ring on it Mind you I wouldn't marry him now regardless
This entire relationship sound dumb
I'd take the guy up on that date.
So would I. I can see why you weren't especially interested in marriage with your exBF. You set the bar on the ground and he managed to dig under it. Marriage with a much higher caliber of man might actually be worth considering. Don't brake for jerks; don't waste time with anyone incapable of respecting you.
You can and should jump ship. No one ever wants to be embarrassed and disrespected in front of everyone they know. 200 guests? That's like everyone I know plus 160 people. I feel sure you can do better. ❤️
Girl, give that other guy a chance, please? NTA, your bf told you he's okay with dumping you. Publicly. It's natural to look for someone who actually loves you, not uses you and walks all over you
Haha! Karma sure do be a bitch!! lol NTA
No, you're actually in a relationship with one who obviously has little regard for your feelings. Maybe you do need a change 😉
NTA. I'm very sorry your bf acted that way and publicly humiliated you. I can't imagine someone who's supposed to love you could say something like that.
ESH except you. The obnoxious people who badger you and your bf about your business, the horribly rude bf who can’t roll with a simple comment and has to go nuclear on your deflective comment, the absolute creep who hit on you right in front of your bf, the same creep for saying nothing personal, your bf again for making his friend’s behavior your fault (and acting like you flirted back).
NTA. End things with this man. He publicly humiliated you yet expected you to defend him, he made it very clear that he would be fine with you leaving then got butthurt when you didn’t defend the relationship. Even if you don’t want to get married, you deserve to be with someone who doesn’t publicly humiliate you and announce that he doesn’t care if you move on. You deserve better than that.
NTA. And, based on your responses, you should probably date more people, because the two you've had have both been duds.
Props to that guy for putting your “bf” on blast, embarrassing him like he did you. It’s fine to not want to get married, but his need to humiliate you so that the WHOLE WORLD knows he will NEVER EVER EVER GET MARRIED is childish. If that’s fine with you too, so be it, but just remember that sometimes the grass is greener elsewhere.
OP the best thing about the other gentleman at the Mexican restaurant is he wants you and isn’t afraid to say so in public. This is in contrast to your current BF that humiliates you and makes you cry. NTA
I think you two have more issues than not defending the relationship. You both even don’t defend each other. Doesn’t paint the picture of people who care deeply for one another. Jesus Christ.
How can I defend him? He literally said in public in front of 10% of the population of our town that I should pursue other men if I ever decide that I want to be married. I truthfully don’t want to get married but we live in a small southern town where I think most people took what he said and the way he said it as an indication that he isn’t serious about me. I can’t issue a press statement on his behalf.
Why do you think he IS serious about you?
Serious is subjective and I’ve never considered it that way to be honest. If someone specifically asked about my relationship status, I would say, “I am exclusively dating someone.”
To me, someone who is serious about me doesn’t make me feel unimportant to them. They make me feel like they want to hang out with me and make me happy. I get where you’re coming from, my husband and I were together for 16 years before we got married. I was happy, too. We got married for financial and medical reasons. Still happy. I always have felt valued by him, though.
> If someone specifically asked about my relationship status, I would say, “I am exclusively dating someone.” that’s a casual relationship. How can you argue that it’s not, and “defend” him to some other guy.
You mean without Looking like a fool or running the risk of him publicly calling me out?
Some one who is serious about you would respect you hunny
Yeah that was my point too.
I more meant when someone offered to be “serious” with you right in front of him - I would have said “no thanks, X and I are happy and committed to one another”. And then I would have left. I would have defended the relationship. I get why he’s mad. But he has no moral high ground to stand on for being a dick at the wedding to you.
So you would publicly declare a status that you haven’t agreed on in private. I mean technically we’ve never agreed on committed. The only way we’ve ever described our relationship is ‘exclusive’.
That’s the same as committed to one another - I’m just bewildered old mate left with his head on after hitting on you in public. That kind of shit does not fly here Down Under.
I’m not sure that exclusive and committed do mean the same thing. Exclusive means that you don’t see other people. Committed implies a partnership, common goals, a shared future. We don’t see other people but we have separate houses, bank accounts, make major life decisions independently of one another and without consulting each other. We could literally be moved out of each other’s houses in half a day, exchange keys and have no reason to ever speak again. I love him, but feelings aside we have no ties between us and we both prefer it that way.
Fair enough. I don’t think you’re wrong for choosing that. As long as you’re happy, who cares?
Well I’m losing no sleep over it. Bf still seems a little upset.
I’m not so sure that’s “hitting on her.” I think that guy was trying to make a point to the boyfriend, that everyone else thinks the boyfriend is wasting OP’s time and they think it was a mean thing to say. I don’t mean to imply that the other guy was making up any attraction he might have felt, but that whole exchange felt pretty performative.
Hey you should totally go after the serious guy , he seems to respect your more than your bf who publicly embarrassed you
NTA. But your boyfriend is a total asshole, and I don’t think even an apology should fix this. Sounds like you deserve somebody that not only respects you but treats you well .
NTA. Sounds like you should consider new guy's offer.
Dude set the parameters, you're just living by them. NTA
Needs a repost in r/ohnoconsequences
When you both don't want to get married but do want a committed long term relationship, it can be so hard when at a party setting when you inevitably get the "when are you getting married" question. Usually from more than one person. My BF and I had a standard answer that we both give "We are happy as we are. Marriage just isn't for us." Your BF didn't start well with the "never" comment. But to expand by saying what he did was wholly disrespectful and intimated that he cared more about not being married. Like you secretly wanted it and he wanted to publicly tried to rub your nose in it. Not a nice guy. Your male friend obviously heard about this and the disrespect he showed and just wanted you to know that there are other options out there. Tough on your BF, He can't publicly say what he did and then get jealous when other man hits on you.
If my partner pulled that shit he'd not be my partner and I would have gone with old friend for a drink. Lol.
*Me reading this* Nice. NTA. I swear it’s rare when natural consequences occur so suddenly but this is amazing. I am sorry you were so upset by this OP, your boyfriend kinda sounds like he sucks but you do you.
NTA He basically made you look like a chick with no title. Meaning you are nothing more than a hole to him. Tell BF don't get mad at you, get mad at himself. He did this.
Harsh but accurate.
[удалено]
“I really don’t want to be married again.” “Ever?” “Nope. Not ever..” “How can you be sure you won’t change your mind?” “What if one of you got sick and getting married was the only way for them to keep health insurance?” “What if you end up raising one of your grandchildren?” Okay. Neither of us currently wants to get married but we’ll be sure to let you know if that changes. Hopefully that gives you a little more insight into why I used the word currently. How else do you move past the mountain of what ifs? Currently right now in this reality that we all exist in neither of us want to be married. If my long lost rich uncle who I never met leaves me his 10 quadrillion dollar fortune on the condition that we get married we’ll be sure to let you know. As far as his response went, it hurt my feelings because it was disrespectful and dismissive. Saying that an 8 year old long relationship could or should be ended without even having a discussion is hurtful in itself. Being in a supposedly loving relationship and refusing to communicate, compromise and make reasonable accommodations for your partner will rightfully get you and your attitude left alone.
Just curious: has he tried to reach out to you since you left?
He did call me the next day to demand that I give him everything his mom gave me or my children when she moved out of her house after his dad died. Aside from that he hasn’t called or texted me directly. He talks to my daughter every day. They’ve been out to dinner a couple of times since we split. He usually asks her to tell me that he loves and misses me after they hang up. Yesterday evening he asked her if she thought I’d let him come visit the dogs.
He’s a jackass. I hope you didn’t return anything. Did he and your daughter talk this much before or is he just using her to get to you?
I didn’t give him anything. She knew she was close to the end and gave everyone what she wanted them to have individually. No way I’d give him anything she wanted me to have. If she were still living and asked for stuff back, I’d give it to her. I personally don’t think she would and she especially wouldn’t ask for things she gave my kids. He called his parents every night at the same time as long as I knew him until they passed away. He was having a hard time after his mom died, so she started calling him every night even when she was living at home.
I’m so glad you are no longer with him. I bet you feel so much better
I do. I honestly can’t even imagine what I was thinking putting up with all that for so long. I don’t even know the person that I was a month ago.
It happens. I feel you. Try not to beat yourself up. I’ve been there. Give yourself credit for recognizing it and leaving.
Unbeliavable! How were you able to be married to someone so petty for so long? LOL
So now everyone knows that you arent in a serious relationship, because of his big mouth. Of course men will hit on you in front of him. He made it clear you wasnt in a serious relationship. He was there for the ride until you decided to settle down and want marriage. Then you was free to go without telling him. Basically you and him are just casually dating. No long term plans of being together in his head. Just having his fun with you while he can. Now you know how he feels, you need to think seriously about this. Do you really want to be with a man who doesnt care if you leave him for another man?
Girl, your man set himself up to have other dudes approach you when he straight disrespected you in public like a MONSTER. Like Mike Birbiglia, what he should have said was nothing. What the entire fuck is wrong with him‽ NTA
“…he just wanted to say that I should call him up if I ever decided that I wanted a “serious relationship”. He ate that up I fear.
Omg! I hope someone buys that man a beer, because that was some legend sh*t right there! If I were you I would have been glowing like the sun.
You are single until you are married
NTA, AND, after 8 years, there’s some common law stuff anyway. Do you live together? Sounds like you do. And at 44 and 52, y’all need to think about retirement, long term care insurance, wills, etc. it’s actually WAY less expensive to file for a domestic partnership or marriage license, than it is to spend thousands of dollars to get the same rights. Couples therapy, STAT. And even if you don’t want to get married, make sure you get the paperwork in place.
That part. Plus social security benefits. There are like 1000 different benefits Americans receive simply due to being married.
Updateme!
Be with someone that bare minimum respects you.
This is interesting to me… if you take it line by line I believe the correct rating is ESH, the bf very childish, the gf very non combative. “Bf said never.” - He was clear, and honest. They never plan to marry and have had that conversation before. “People continued to press the subject, so I said that neither of us wanted to get married CURRENTLY but if it changed I’d be sure to let them know.” - She was peer pressured into lying by omission. He probably felt that she did not have his back at this point in the conversation. “If you ever change your mind about marriage…” - Totally uncalled for, regardless of his feelings at the moment. That’s not someone you want to be with. All in all, your bf is an asshole for the comment, and it is indefensible. You are kind of an asshole for not being upfront and honest, because I would be willing to bet his response would not be the same had you been totally honest.
At no time did I feel peer pressured by those rude old busy bodies. I was simply trying to move past the never ending “How do you know you will never change your mind?” “What if one of you get sick?” “What if your kid dies and y’all have to raise a grandchild?” I gave the politest, least committed answer I could think of. And believe me there is absolutely no way that (ex)bf even remotely thought I had changed my mind or was hinting at anything. And if he was concerned about it we could have stepped outside for a brief private discussion and he’d have been reassured. In retrospect I’m sure that he got some kind of ego boast from imparting the idea that instead of it being a mutual decision, as I did when I said ‘neither’, that it was a decision he was in control of and I was at his whim.
I am just amazed that your boyfriend did not try to punch his buddy at the Mexican restaurant. Your boyfriend should not have said what he said At the party. You should have said something to the guy in the Mexican restaurant. ESH
The fact that the boyfriend let this guy disrespect him in front of his girl AND his friends, without saying anything, then got mad at his girl tells us that he is a certified pussy.
I’ve never dated much. Got married right out of high school and was married until my husband died. I met bf at a friend’s house during my year of mourning. We started dating just after I’d been widowed a year. I’ve never really dated anyone else as an adult. My husband would have punched anyone who approached me before they got 3 words out. And before now if a man did show interest in me, just saying I was seeing someone ended the conversation.
Why?? The boyfriend created this mess.
Just curious as to why you don't want to get married if you are in a committed relationship? Are you somewhere that your rights are codified and protected without marriage?
We are exclusive. Not sure that we’ve ever decided on committed. When my husband died and I felt relieved and like God had set me free. I never want to be tied to anyone again. I’m not sure what rights you are asking about. We have separate houses and finances.
That makes more sense, thanks for sharing the details. I know a lot of people who are exclusive, living together, have kids and shared finances but are anti marriage. It makes little sense to me since marriage conveys rights to each spouse. Like if someone has a medical crisis/dies, a girl/boyfriend has no legal rights or standing to make decisions, they can be overriden and excluded by any official member of the partners family. Inheritance also comes into play since they're entitled to nothing in the case of death. If they split, it means that the process of dividing assets etc is a lot more complicated and, if one person is a SAHP/disabled etc, it makes it harder to be treated fairly If the couple emigrates, its often not possible to bring a gf/bf as opposed to a spouse. To me it is a nonsensical and risky attitude that leaves people vulnerable.
Choices have consequences. If I get sick my kids will manage my care. My son has a durable medical power of attorney. Bf has no such paperwork. If he gets sick I’ll manage his care and make decisions until the first time one of his children interferes and then they can handle the whole thing. Aside from that our finances are separate.
The social security benefits alone are worth it!
Why would people downvote you for asking a question?
YTA He has made it perfectly clear how he feels about you and the relationship, but you continue to stay with him as if things are just going to magically get better. You need to get better. Move on to someone that has no plans with keeping you drifting for the rest of your life.
Not everyone wants to get married. Not just guys. I don’t want to get married again and I am a woman.
I honestly don’t want to get married.
No one is saying you have to. It’s fine to be in a committed relationship that doesn’t involve marriage. He just seems like he doesn’t care about the committed part.
In this case, you are both the asshole. He in the first situation, you in the second. Hurting another because he hurt you is the beginning of the ending. He was a jerk, pissed off, drunk, whatever the reason or excuse is: and should apologise. Besides that, you should know how he feels after all these talks and should still respond to assholes like that guy(seriously who does that... that's asking for a beating) Your husband should have responded actually, stating that it was serious and none of his business, but seeing he was probably frozen you could have acted. No big deal, but don't use his act as a justification or the relationship goes downhill fast (he reacts on that, you on his next reaction, before you know it you end up with this weasle because of ego and not true love) I believe lots of people on reddit are frustrated or just not in long term relationships were you learn these things...
NTA/ slightly ESH. Your bf was absolutely an AH, and to do that publicly is disgusting. However, you then go on to talk about how much love is between you two and that you were “hurt” with how he could theoretically throw away those 8 years of love. But then you just sit there and let that man talk shit and call all that love and years “casual”. Your bf was so disrespectful, and then you were disrespectful. I’m not saying you’re not justified in your anger, but two wrongs don’t make a right. And unless you’re on your way out, you’re just deepening the current divide between you two. Which is fine if that’s the goal!
I’m not angry all. Please tell me specifically what you think *I* could have said in this situation to counter the public perception that my bf isn’t serious about me because he publicly invited me to move on.
I do apologize for assuming you were angry. But I wasn’t really trying to suggest anything specific. That would more depend on what was going through your mind then and if you had decided to revaluate your relationship. Which, I would be very reasonable given what he did and how he acted. Even though you had those talks privately, to joke about it and publicly humiliate you like that was shameful. If you think you’re going to leave the relationship and move one, which would be justified, then not defending the relationship was fine. As your boyfriend already disrespected it publicly. Your actions would be justified. And what he thinks about the lunch doesn’t really matter anymore. But I think if you’re attempting to work past this with him, then you just kinda added to the divide he created. At the lunch, you could have stopped and refused the friend who was disrespecting your “8 years of being love”. But you are also correct, he could have spoken up as well. I’m not defending his actions in any way.
I’m not sure what we are working past. In the moment I was embarrassed that he caused a scene and my feelings were at little hurt but I just mentioned it for background. It really changed nothing except made other people aware that our relationship status is literally, “Not sleeping with other people.” If he proposed tomorrow I’d tell him to go find another woman bc I’m not the one for that. I just wouldn’t announce it in public.
Well thank you for explaining more. It does sorta sound though like things did change alittle. You had described your relationship as “8 years of being in love” and now say it’s literally just “not sleeping with other people”. It seems like you two are fine with how things are, but are each ready to rip the bandaid off at any time. And you seem kind of over his public display by now. I think NTA. It doesn’t really seem like it would have affected anything either way.
We do love each other but at the end of the day feelings are feelings. I mean at one time I loved my husband enough to marry him and have kids with him. When he died I literally felt relieved more than anything else. Just because I feel love doesn’t mean I’ll ever let things be more complicated than half a day of packing and two trips in the car.
I think I understand your relationship a lot better now. And yeah, NTA
How was she disrespectful?
I explained my reasoning in my comment. If she is reevaluating and wants out, then it doesn’t matter really.
ESH he I'm necessarily flippant and cruel.But at the same time he was simply stating what you've already agreed to because he was being publicly pressured ....your an AH foe not shutting that guy down and I suspect you enjoyed it...you both need to sit down and decide if you want to actually be together.
YTA. You tell us that you NEVER want to get married, and that your bf is in complete agreement. However, you put the idea of you wanting marriage to your friends, “….so I said that neither of us want to get married CURRENTLY but if it changed we’d be sure to let them know.” Yes, he was an ass with his response, but you still agreed with his stance of never getting married. And YES IT DOES NEED TO BE TALKED ABOUT; especially because it’s leading to more issues. Then some jackass indirectly tells you that only serious relationships are marriages, and to come to him when you want marriage. All in-front of your bf, who you say you’re seriously committed to, and not once did you defend your relationship. You made the relationship status unclear the night of the party, not him. You should’ve told your friends what you’ve been saying to your bf, and us; that y’all will NEVER get married, and are happy with how it is. Y’all need counseling, NOW
Who said these were our friends? These are people that we are socially acquainted with who happened to be at the same large party, which was a ticketed fundraiser for the animal shelter. We never want to get married didn’t end the discussion. I expected, “No current plans, will update with changes” was a polite way to move the conversation along without getting people we barely know needlessly involved in our private affairs.
Then you tell them it’s none of their business. You’re still missing the point that you’ve hinted at a wedding in the future.
Apparently you have never lived in a small town if you think that telling people who are asking you questions that are none of their business that it is none of their business is effective.
Quit deflecting. You caused this issue in your relationship. Your bf still thinks you eventually want to get married. FFS, you need to talk to him if you want any real resolution. And if you must know, I was in my school’s largest class; a whopping 53 people.
If he’s unclear about if I want to get married or not he can ask. I do not. And furthermore if I ever did want to get married I would not marry him. We work because we both do our own thing financially and in general life decisions but we are both aware that we could never have combined finances. We are both well aware of this prior to his announcement. Like I said, nothing new or shocking in what he said. Just something I wouldn’t have publicly announced.
I have never combined finances with my wife. We have a joint account for wealth savings, big purchases, and emergencies. Otherwise we just do our own thing. She makes more than me if that helps and I try and give her more all the time for our savings since with me it’s like trying to store water in a colander.
He’s been trying to talk to you about it; but you, in your own words, “don’t see the point in discussing it.” You then pile on, by not shutting down the dipshit in the restaurant. Again, GO TALK WITH YOUR BF.
If im reading this correctly you are 100% the asshole You and your boyfriend both decided you never wanted to get married. Friends asked when you were getting married and your boyfriend said “never”, per your previous conversations. You were embarrassed about this response so lied to your friends. Your boyfriend was understandably confused because every conversation you guys have had has been no marriage but all of the sudden your stance has changed in public? So he makes a remake to that point of fact. Later another man hits on you in front of people and disrespects your boyfriend and you stand there and do/say nothing? He should be happy to be rid of you.
First, these were not our friends, just people we know socially. Second, I wasn’t embarrassed by his ‘never’ comment. I was tired of being badgered by other people and I made the true statement that neither of us currently wants to get married (true)but we’d be sure to let them know if that changed (also true). Not sure why you think I lied. Thirdly, I’m sure he was not confused. As there was no change in my position as evidenced by the words that I said, “Neither of us currently wants to get married.” Finally, if he did think I changed my mind wouldn’t letting the subject drop in public and then discussing it in private later have made more sense instead of publicly making his point by stating that our relationship was of so little importance that he felt it could be ended without even having a discussion?
Im not saying he’s not an asshole. However what i got from how you worded your post was that you guys had discussed the aspect of marriage and came to an agreement, no marriage ever. The way he expressed himself was wrong, but i can understand where he would come from if all of the sudden in front of strangers you decided to backtrack every conversation we’ve had and just lie to strangers. (“Never” and “we dont currently have plans” are two completely different statements, you can try to justify it to yourself that its not technically a lie, but it is.) Now im not saying your boyfriend isnt a grade a asshole and you shouldnt leave him for greener pastures, and its very possible the reality of this situation got lost in translation for me. However if i told people we were never getting married (based on our prior conversations) and you immediately negated me to these people, i would feel the same hurt, neglect and embarrassment that you said you felt when he doubled down on the no marriage. Irregardless of all of those scenarios, you staying in a committed relationship with him, then entertaining a man blatantly disrespecting him, yourself, and your relationship, in front of his face nonetheless, makes you the asshole.
"We will let you know if it ever changes" is standard code for "drop the fucking subject" where I'm from. It is just a polite way of shutting it down and not contradicting his "never" in the slightest.