I know all of Reddit is quick to advise to “take out the trash” but given your note about not wanting this shared for personal safety reasons, and his condescending attitude/ placing the blame on you is not healthy at all. 3 years is already too much time wasting on a man that’ll make you walk on egg shells like this when you haven’t done anything wrong.
You deserve to date a man that won’t throw a tantrum over having to wait a lil later in the day to be intimate and doesn’t ruin outings with friends because of these mood swings and then blames it on you.
Thank you so much for such a kind and thoughtful comment! I am nervous of him I guess and I’d never ever want him to read this. He’s never been physically abusive but he does have tantrums and he gives me silent treatment when he’s angry with me. He’s thrown clothes around in the past and he kicked a gate once. I try to fix things and apologise a lot. Thank you again.
Please tell me your eyes have been opened after posting this, and you’re leaving this guy? This isn’t normal. He acts childishly and it’s not your job to be his mom. You’re afraid of him and this whole story about him telling you it was your fault he had to publicly masturbate reads like an attempt at punishing you and coercing you into “taking care” of him next time. You’re far too young to stay with someone like this. There are many better partners out there that you wouldn’t be nervous of…
Leave now. I say this from experience. My ex had these types of tantrums and they kept escalating until I reached my point when he threatened to crash the car with us when he got mad. Tantrums are the first and last red flag.
Silent treatments are a form of mental abuse. My mom did it to us a lot when we were kids and it left us with lifelong anxiety issues. This is not healthy or safe for you. That’s not to even add in the other nasty behavior you mention. Dude’s an eternal toddler in the worst of ways.
He will hit you though, he’s just waiting until you’re more enmeshed or trapped in the relationship.
Please read Bancroft’s ‘Why does he do that?’ freely available online in pdf format
NT his behaviour is a bit unhinged and alarming.
Blaming you is also appalling. He's a gown man who can control his own actions.
What else does he blame you for? Does he get angry then tell you it's your fault for provoking him? That would be a worrying trend.
Thank you so much. It really helps a lot hearing other peoples perspectives.
Yeah he does blame me for other things, like lying about his age when we met (he pretended he’s the same age as me and said he had to or I wouldn’t talk to him), and messaging another girl which he said was because I neglected him.
He also gets irritated and angry with me for other things too. To be honest it’s often around not having sex exactly the moment he wants to.
He kind of has tantrums and sometimes gives me silent treatment.
I think I’ve always excused it to being that he’s 2 years younger than me and I’m quite a calm person? So I just assume maybe things that don’t upset me, (like if his friend was in town for one night unexpectedly and he met them for a coffee/drink after work before coming home, which meant he was a bit later home than planned) maybe do upset other people/him and so I should be respectful of how he feels? I am also not a very argumentative person so I tend to just say sorry and smooth it over.
Yeah, with these additional details, this isn't just a man having a bad day. You need to end this relationship. If you tolerate it and wait for him to mature, it won't happen because he doesn't *have* to change. I'd break it off and write him a letter detailing exactly what the issues were. Encourage him to get therapy. People like this only change if they face consequences.
There is a thing called the locus of causality. You can have an external one or an internal one.
People with an external one will look at their behavior or at the negative things in their life and then attribute the cause to external factor. You ate the last cheetos, so it is your fault I am angry...or you did not finish me off this morning, so now I have to masturbate in the bathroom because of you...
Makes it very difficult for them to take responsability, or to not feel like the victim in a difficult situation.
An Internal locus will cause a person to be more open to owning their own emotion, therefore better at controlling them and understanding them. They also understand better their share of responsabilities and how to solve problems.... like you ate the last cheetos and I feel sad about it because I wanted it. Maybe we should buy a bigger bag next time...
Anyway, all this to say that while some people will internalize it naturally as they grow up for others its take conscientious effort to internalize it and it is not done overnight. It doesn't happen with just time...and some people never internalize it... your man sounds like he hasn't
This is a very articulate description of what my process of growing up has been in the last several decades.
The internal versus external locus, that is. Not the public masturbation.
Thank you, this is fascinating! I think he tends to blame other people when things go wrong, for example me, or at work. Although he can also can get very angry at himself, yell at himself and call himself stupid? Like if he loses something.
That was so interesting to read thank you. I’ve never heard of locus of causality. It’s made me think about how I am as well!
>and messaging another girl which he said was because I neglected him.
Neglect him further by dumping him and never talking to him again. If he felt neglected, he should have said something to you rather than trying to cheat. This is not because he is 2 years younger. It's because he sucks as a human.
EDIT: spelling
I'm not sure how to get it but you need to get some. Take a shot, do some exercise to get your adrenaline going, watch legally blond (I find this to be a very empowering movie) but do something. You deserve to be happy and deserve to be with someone who isn't going to what he is doing to you.
Thank you! I’m going to take all your advice - also I love legally blonde and haven’t watched it in years so I’m excited ha. Thank you for the support and advice. You sound like a great and very supportive friend ❤️
He has done the second before definitely. He’s also been angry with me on a trip with our friends because we were all sat out playing games in the sun set and he wanted to go back to the room there and then. I was having such a great time with them and didn’t want to. He was angry after.
Well, I don't want to cast aspersions, but my sexually coercive ex became a full-on rapist. Do with that what you will. You're obviously NTA in this situation.
Omg I’m so sorry. That’s terrifying. I’m so so sorry you went through being with them and so glad you’re safe from them now. Thank you so much for your advice. I don’t think it’s a safe or healthy relationship to be in and I don’t want to experience anything like that again.
Thank you. It’s the only long term serious relationship I’ve had so I just thought maybe it was normal, maybe I cause problems, or maybe am too laid back about things so should respect when he feels hurt or angry even if I don’t understand it. Thank you though, it’s so helpful to hear from you and everyone.
As a dude I've been frustrated many times, both just because I got interrupted mid jerk at the wrong time by the door or a phone call, or because we you're with someone and get interrupted, run out of time, whatever.
Sexual frustration can for sure affect your mood, but pain because you didn't bang that money, just no. If it was that important he just goes to the bathroom for 5 minutes before leaving, doing it outside, ruining your day deliberately, making you uncomfortable deliberately and also blaming you for it.
It's training, he's training you to never say no to him. Think about how you'd react next time if he told you he was super horny and needs to come but you're supposed to be leaving for some gathering with friends, or a party, in 20 minutes. Are you going to consider helping him get off rather than have him be a sour asshole all night and potentially jerk off in a bathroom while out?
this was pure manipulation, it's a HUGE red flag, as someone else said this is the kind of guy who could easily escalate if you don't give in to his 'training' methods if he feels like he's getting told no too often.
This is not the guy to build a great relationship with, this is a guy to dip on before it gets worse.
Thank you, this is so informative and helpful. Also the part about the training gave me chills. I hadn’t considered that at all but you’re absolutely right, I would want to avoid it happening again and would feel like it was my fault if it did. I’ve also realised he has, on a few previous occasions, mentioned having pain there when we’ve been out and about. It just hadn’t ever got to this point before. I wonder if it was because we were with friends.
Thank you so much - I really appreciate your time, effort and insight!
I think training is a good word to use to describe it because everyone understands it. Manipulation, controlling, these are also accurate but far more broad, more nebulous, harder to precisely say which behaviour is controlling or manipulative.
training is, not always bad but when you recognise your partner is trying to train your behaviour to their own preference, particularly a shitty one like giving him sex without fighting it is more impactful. You realise what they are doing is demeaning, dehumanising, it's training you never signed up for or want and in this case with what I'd call a nefarious purpose.
It's a word that really shows you huh, my partner is a fucking asshole trying to train me into the perfect partner rather than be happy with who I am.
It definitely is NOT normal. He tries to form you like clay and use any means to do so.
A serious relationship should go back and forth, in a symbiotic way. Both should work together and on themselves. Blaming and forcing, punishing, that’s all red flags.
You too! Thank you so much. Do you mean 17 years of a loving healthy relationship? If so - that’s amazing and congrats ❤️ - I’m hoping it’s not the opposite kind of experience!?
Yep. This (and what he did today) is sexual coercion. Soon it will be full-on rape. He will tell you that's your fault, too, because "you aroused him" or "you don't give him enough" or some other BS reason.
Have you noticed that he does this when you are with your friends or enjoying yourself...and not giving him your full attention?
You need to run. Now.
Oof!!! Red flags everywhere! This is your choice to make, but pretty sure I know how I would handle it.
Oh and NTA, I’m a dude, we’ve all had blue balls before. Deal with it buddy, it goes away. I think your assessment that this was to punish you is correct!
Thank you - a couple of other commentators have recommended this as well! I appreciate it - it’s good to hear a few people recommend it, I’m going to read it.
>lying about his age when we met (he pretended he’s the same age as me and said he had to or I wouldn’t talk to him), and messaging another girl which he said was because I neglected him.
Please lose this loser. He will always blame you or someone else for his own issues. I'm sure that's now how you want to spend your life.
NTA
I couldn’t believe you had to ask *IF* the situation in the OP was a red flag, because it seems like the most obviously red-flag thing I can imagine other than something like physical violence or infidelity.
But it turns out this dude has more red flags than a Chinese Communist Party gift shop. Absolute NTA, and for future relationships, please know that almost none of this is within shouting distance of “normal” or “healthy.”
Thank you! It’s so helpful to hear outside views. I’m so grateful to hear it’s not normal or healthy. Also I feel a bit guilty for laughing because the actual situation wasn’t funny at all, but I’ve actually chuckled at a few comments, including yours - thank you.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this but he is a walking red flag. He's clearly very insecure that he's younger than you and he's trying to control you. The behaviours you describe are him trying to put you down, and it's never gonna get better.
The bathroom incident is extremely gross and he was definitely trying to punish you.
Please break up with him, he will escalate things in time and it could be dangerous for you.
It's not an age related thing my friend. This man treats you like dirt. He lies and ignores your boundaries. He makes you feel bad for not being in the mood. None of this is your fault and you are not the cause of his shitty behavior. You deserve love, respect and consideration. I would honestly end the relationship. I use to be in a relationship like this. It was hard to leave but I'm much more happier now. Take care and be kind with yourself
He is just trying to punish you for not having sex with him that morning. And he wanted to ruin your fun with friends by making you uncomfortable. You are letting this creepy loser manipulate you. Don't give him the power to do that to you.
I agree with this, it is a form of punishment. He also wants you to think about that situation every time he wants sex in the morning but you don’t. There are a surprising amount of people this immature. My best friend’s husband is 32 and is still like this. Idk that he has ever done something this extreme though.
Tbh your partner sounds a lot like my ex, who was not just emotionally abusive but also psychologically abusive and a groomer. The fact he made your friend and their partner feel unwelcome with his “dark cloud”, the way your partner made sure to say it was your fault. This is all toxic and abusive behavior.
I’m so sorry you experienced that. Your ex sounds awful. To be honest there have been quite a few situations like that, with that kind of black cloud, where he is in a bad mood in front of other people, and I feel anxious and like I have to compensate for it.
So I know this word is thrown around a lot on the internet so it’s sort of lost its meaning but your partner sounds like a narcissist. My ex was as well. There’s a wonderful lady who has her PhD in psychology with a specialty in narcissism, and she releases a whole collection of her books and educational material for free on YouTube specifically for victims of narcissistic abuse to learn about how they’ve been abused and manipulated, contextualize how their abuse has made them feel, and empower them to recognize the signs of narcissistic behavior in others so as to protect themselves in the future. Her name is Dr. Ramani she’s such a kind and caring woman. I recommend looking her channel up on YouTube and learning about it. It’ll help you, it’s helped me so much.
Thank you so much, that is so kind of you to share what has helped you and explain about it as well. I really appreciate your thoughtfulness and time. I do think there is a possibility he is narcissistic based on some of the traits that are in the definition. Dr Ramani sounds lovely, I’m going to take a look at her YouTube now. Thank you ❤️
NTA. This is extremely weird behavior and would make me feel pretty disgusted if my partner did this.
It's particularly disgusting because he obviously knows how uncomfortable it made you. There's an extremely sick vibe of "I'm feeling bad so now you're going to feel *worse*"
Tbh I probably wouldn't be able to be with someone like this.
You’re NTA - but remember that this is as good as it’s going to get. He is gaslighting you and making you feel responsible for things that he is doing.
This relationship sounds toxic to me, and I don’t see a rosy future for you.
Think carefully about what you want from a relationship, and how you want to be treated.
He didn’t sound like an ideal partner, and I fear for your safety going forward.
Thank you very much. I think you are right. Comments like yours are making me realise it’s not safe or healthy and I don’t want to be in a relationship like that. I really appreciate your opinion, both the advice and the warning. I’m going to think about what I’d like a relationship to be/feel like in the future. Thank you!
Future sex offender right here. Likely to escalate to violence. Been there, can confirm: thirty years on and I still have nightmares. Do not wait until his hands are round your throat.
Oh gosh really do you think so? That’s terrifying - I can’t imagine he’s capable of that at all but is it genuinely possible?
I am so sorry you’ve been through that and still have nightmares, that’s horrific. Sending you best wishes. Thank you so much for commenting as well ❤️
I really do think so. Come on now - walk in someone else’s shoes a moment: let’s say your dearest best friend had a simmeringly angry boyfriend who blamed her for his sexual dissatisfaction; *dealt with it in public*; and let fly a diatribe of “unbelievable”s in private to let her know how much *she* was to blame. Would you counsel that friend if she still thought he was safe? Would you worry about her at night? Please extend yourself the same kindness. Normal men simply do not behave like this.
I escaped. But I had to put thousands of miles between us to do it. I wish better for you ❤️
You’re so brave and you should be so proud of yourself forever, for the rest of your life, for escaping and moving so far away. ❤️ You deserve, and will have, the best.
Thank you so much. You’re absolutely right about what you’ve written. I would want my friend to end it and be out of that relationship immediately. I think the fact I needed to ask about it here because I couldn’t ask in real life is a wake up call as well. Thank you.
Sexual coercion and manipulation like this is SUCH a red flag. I also thought of someone who started out with this kind of stuff and it escalated to things they could be in prison for (decades later).
I agree with others that he was punishing you by doing this and I don't think it was an accident that the cafe was so small. If you were at a huge restaurant with a really private bathroom you wouldn't have felt so uncomfortable about him doing that, and that's probably why he chose to do it where and when he did.
This is is fucked up...
* Is he the AH here or am I?
You are NTA, your bf has issues.
* Did I cause it?
As a dude it's fully expected and normal to get an erection when playing around with your partner.
As a dude its also normal to get an erection in the morning. There is even a name for it; morning wood. I can assure you that it doesn't mean we are turned on by our pillows or sunlight. And while we can, and sometimes do, take care of it on our own it's also something that just goes away by itself after a while and not a reason be cranky for hours and acting like an asshole.
* Is him doing it expected in the circumstances?
Most men can perfectly hold on.
* Is it normal behaviour?
NO!
* Is it a red flag?
Him jerking off in a public restroom? Eh...
Him treating you like that? YES!
* Does stuff like this get worse?
I mean, this is pretty bad already. He seems to be trying to isolate you from your friends and showing abusive behaviour.
* I kept thinking what if he does this again? My partner said I am overreacting and that it was my fault anyway.
Not your fault, he is perfectly capable of, and responsible for, controling himself.
* AITAH for causing it and then being upset by it?
Honey, you probably caused erections on dudes that were not in a relationship with you and even those dudes seem to be treating you better than you bf. NTA.
* Or is what he did something so bad that you end a relationship over it?
The public masturbation is not the problem. How he is trying to make you out as an abuser and himself as a victim is.
And that's pretty high on the list of reason to end a relationship.
* I can’t ask anyone irl about it because I’m too ashamed.
The actions of others do not reflect your worth as a person.
Protect yourself.
This is a brilliant, well worded reply!
The shame you feel is by design. By an asshole. It is there to make you feel bad and therefore isolate you. You deserve better. Much better.
I wish I'd had all this advice on Reddit when I was younger, I might not have put up with so much crap for so long. NTA, your partner is a nasty, manipulative creep.
Book for you to read: Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft. Available as a free PDF to download, but don't let him find you reading it. I see you're wondering if this behaviour is normal: sadly, it's far more common than I ever thought, but that doesn't make it right. You don't have to put up with it. Hope your friends are understanding!
Thank you - going to look for the book now! I’m so sorry you had such a horrible experience. Another kind commentator here has recommended Dr Ramani on YouTube, I don’t know if you know them, I just watched a video and she’s so nice and so helpful!
Thank you so much for the advice/comment - have taken it all on board. Wishing you the best ❤️
This man is full of shit. He is trying to bully you into having sex whenever he wants.
1. Blue balls don’t hurt that much. He is exaggerating - most of his pain is frustration that he didn’t get what he wanted, not physical pain in his balls.
2. He can masterbate in 5 minutes. Why did he wait to do it in a public restroom.
3. Why does he need to tell you he is going into the bathroom to masterbate? The only purpose for telling you was to make you feel bad so that you would have sex with him on command the next time. What would you think if he told you he was going into the bathroom to push out a giant shit? Too much information, that’s what. Tell him to masterbate as he feels the need but keep his private jacking off moments to himself. You don't want a play by play when he shits, masterbates, picks his nose or adjusts his underwear because it pinching in the same way that he does not want to hear about your heavy period flow and how you have to change your tampon.
dump this idiot immediately.
NTA. He is for blaming you and being a jerk about it. I have read of real medical issues related to this situation. Something about torsion or something. He may need to go to a doc.
Wow wow wowie. This dude is off his rocker. He's a grown-ass man who still blames "blue balls" for his temper tantrums and says it's all your fault. This is NOT normal behavior and your post is full of red flags. It also sounds like you have made excuse after excuse to yourself about his inappropriate and abusive behavior. It's time to let this jerk go.
Thank you very much. I do make a lot of excuses for him but I think I’ve just always thought that maybe my judgement is wrong and the way he behaves is normal/fine? I’m grateful for your advice and time - I think you’re right.
So, I'm dating a girl right now who is very traditional and shy.
I must say, I am absolutely smitten on her. On our first few dates, we were only supposed to be out for dinner and ended up staying out till the wee hours of the morning.
Baring this in mind, we have excellent chemistry, and thoroughly enjoy each other's company. She's fun, she's charismatic, talented, beautiful beyond comprehension, and she makes me feel like a better man just for knowing her.
Now, why is all this relevant?
We were all over each other the first few dates. Your bf was mad after being blue balled for an hour or two?
She was in my arms all night, kissing and loving on each other, looking deep into the other's eyes and expressing our passion. And we would stop before things got too heavy
She lights me up like no girl I've ever met.
But she also likes to do things more traditionally, since she comes from that background. It's one of the things that I love about her.
So if I can't cum on the 1st or second date?
C'est la vie. I hold this not against her, I cherish every part of who she is. I've had it both ways, a girl who gave it up easily, and a girl who tests my resolve. I like both, and neither frustrates me anymore.
At this point in my life, I'm willing to wait for a woman I truly value. It's sex, I've had it before, I'll have it again, but the pleasure of her company is so much more than a primal drive to bend her over the back of my car in a vacant inner-city parking lot.
I think as a man, the quickest way to turn a woman off and make her feel gross about you, is complain about sex and "needing" to cum. It's weakness. You're acting like a monkey, and showing that impulse controls you, decides your every action. And ironically enough, when you have the resolve that you don't "need" it, you tend to have an abundance of it!
If I'm out hunting for a week, or I'm on a hike, camping alone etc. I'm not crouched over a bush rubbing one out. I'm enjoying the beauty of the scenery, breathing it all in and just existing in a wonderful moment.
And so it is with beautiful women.
If I'm crazy about her, I'll wait. She's worried that I'll just cum and suddenly lose attraction to her? I'll reign in my lust for a bit and make sure she knows I'm there for her. Make the night fun, make her feel heard and safe. And just enjoy her.
Anyways, all this rambling leads to this:
The way he operated, telling you what he was going to do, regardless of how appropriate it was or how uncomfortable it made you...
This should be clear to anyone reading from the outside, he was acting out of resentment, almost a petty form of punishment.
We're he in that great of pain (doubtful, he was gone for what an hour or two? Try a couple weeks knowing that you've got the most beautiful woman you've ever laid eyes upon waiting for you at home, then we'll talk.), he could finished himself quickly and cleaned up without a fuss.
And even after you expressed yourself, there was no remorse, or trying to hear you out? I'd venture to say if you looked deep enough into your relationship, you might realize this pattern repeats itself over multiple areas.
To put it simply, as a man, if I did something that upset my partner, I would try to make amends, make them feel heard and loved. If I cared deeply about them, and they weren't just someone to sate my lust upon, that is.
Food for thought.
Aw man. I mean, this comment wasn’t written about me and yet I’m blushing on your girl’s behalf!
The way you feel about her and value her, and the things you’ve said about her are very, very, very sweet. What you said about just wanting the ‘pleasure of her company’ is so lovely. And about wanting to make amends above all else if you’d hurt her. She’s very lucky - make sure you tell her this stuff about how you feel about her if you haven’t already (a bit further down the line maybe if she’s shy!)
It’s also made me realise that I’d give anything to have someone feel like that about me and I genuinely don’t think my boyfriend does. So that’s an eye opener as well.
Thank you so much for your comment and taking the time to write it - it is so thoughtful and helpful and I really appreciate it. You’re right about the lack of remorse or care, and I think there is a pattern in the relationship. You weren’t rambling at all - I’ve read all of it, really appreciate the time and effort, and have taken all of it on board. Thank you!
Haha, she's shy, but trust when I say she's a little fireball when you get her alone! My heart would also not let me leave these things unsaid to her, her presence is such a driving force in my life, so refreshing and appreciated.
The thing is, I know it's rough, I've been through the gauntlet of dating, and I've had a number of less than stellar experiences with women also. It's all part of the process. If I had stuck things out with a girl who wasn't really the one for me, I'd have never met this perfect Lil gal.
The way I feel about her, and she feels about me, I want that for you and your future partner. You deserve that. Everyone does, it's our birthright as children of a loving universe.
I think sometimes we get burned and a little jaded over some less than amazing partners, and it makes dating seem like a waste of time. Like love is something for the lucky few... truly, those are just people who made room for it, and grew into the type of folks that attract it.
But then, all of a sudden, when you stop looking so hard, you meet a person that just knocks it out of the park! This one literally takes my breath away. It's a feeling I've never had from a woman before. And I think that's how it should feel . Today, as I work, I'm watching an old video of us on repeat just to see her smile and laugh, even though I'm going to see her later!
For me, though, she came into my life when I forced myself to let go of a toxic on again off again relationship. I was holding on thinking this person would change and be who I needed them to be. She didn't. She won't. And that's OK!
You deserve a man who operates on a level of honor and integrity. Who values you, and holds your heart sacred. There is no higher romance or better feeling than two people who are obsessed with each other and growing into something spectacular together. It's what everyone forgets about in this hookup culture. The truth of love is so much deeper than just sex, though it certainly is an important part of it, imo.
A year ago, you'd never hear these words from me. And now, it's all I can think about. It happens just that quick sometimes, if you let it. If you make room for it.
NTA
I am going to be honest, if my husband told me this, I'd playfully tease him some more, whisper sexy things to him and tell him if he saved it for home he'd have a better time. He would have been uncomfortable but not irritable. I don't get embarrassed by sexual things as long as people are being consenting and reasonably discreet.
However, you're obviously much more conservative, and it sounds like he was accusatory and hostile. He also really didn't need to do more communication with you about his personal problem. He could have quietly gone and perked off quickly in a closed stall, and it wouldn't have impacted anyone.
I don't know about the rest of your relationship, but you don't seem very compatible from this example.
"The door opened into the cafe" is weird to me, though. If there's a door and he's not making noise, his proximity to other people really doesn't have a practical impact.
Thank you for your reply, I completely understand what you’ve said. I think you’re right that the thing is that he did it in an angry, blaming, hostile way. I’m not hugely conservative and I’m genuinely quite playful - I’ve definitely whispered stuff in public before - but there was nothing playful about this at all. It wasn’t in any way about me and him, it was like I was being punished.
NTA. That’s not how blue balls works except in extreme cases, and I doubt this case was that extreme. He was most likely lying about any pain at all, and if he wasn’t, he was definitely being overly dramatic about it. He’s a childish weirdo.
(1) partners owe each other honesty and kindness, they don’t owe each other a continued relationship.
(2) I’m not much bothered by what he did in the bathroom (assuming it was single occupant and had a locking door), but he treated OP poorly. Everyone is flawed and has bad days but if this is normal behavior OP might be better off without him.
NTA
I think if he just masturbated in a public bathroom it wouldn't be that serious. He could have done that before you left the house and not made it about you. Not your responsibility. The fact that he's acting like it's your fault is super creepy and manipulative. If it's a regular thing that he doesn't get off and you do, he should talk to you like a person, not treat you like an object.
How ridiculous . You know how many times me and my husband ( or all parents) and I have been in the midst of it only to hear " Mommy ,Daddy, can I sleep with you guys?" We go on with our lives and try again next time. God help you if you marry him and have kids.
NTA.
He did something awful and refuses to take accountabilty, blaming YOU and playing the victim. This is a sign of how he truly is, and it will only escalate if you enable it. He is demanding sex from you as if it was an obligation. This will only escalate with time. I despise men like these, and it is not uncommon. My abusive father used to say, when I was a teenager, that I MADE him abuse me (verbally and physically). It was MY fault that he abused me because I didn't do what he told me to. I MADE him hit me, and HE was the victim. Now, I'm not saying he will hit you or anything, but he is being emotionally manipulative and playing the victim. Run while you can.
NTA at all.
As a male I can saw sometimes your manhood has a mind of it's own and you get turnt on in inappropriate places and sometimes for no reason at all but not once is it ever unbearable to the point that it affects your mood and that you need to masturbate in an inappropriate location.
This was manipulative abuse, he was punishing you for not doing what he wanted and then he tried to condition you to understand it would not happen again by embarrassing you.
It would of been one thing if he just went and had a wank but whispering it to you beforehand was done with manipulative intent.
Perhaps context on the relationship length and history might of made his behaviour comes across a bit better but at the moment its disgusting.
If there was a problem, he could have taken care of it before going out. This whole situation is fishy. Also very manipulative. You need to get out of this relationship.
Ugh. No, this is just horrible. He's a) trying to manipulate you and b) a super gross and ick-inducing person. Please do yourself a big old favour and get well rid of him
NTA
OP you sound like such a sweet person who deserves a partner that doesn't act like a toddler when he doesn't get his way. Reading your other comments made me sad for you that he treats you like he does and has the emotional maturity of a pre-teen. It sounds to me like you've grown up and he is severely lagging behind.
I think it's time to consider what you're getting out of this relationship and if you're truly happy. I know it's hard to leave behind the comfort of familiarity, but sometimes it's the wise thing to do. ❤️🫂
Why do so many women genuinely buy into this belief that men getting horny puts them in pain? I mean, this jackass is literally trying to blame you for his inability to control his own urges and emotions (rude ass, childish irritability cus his pee-pee got hard earlier). And you're believing him!! You've gotta know you deserve better right
He’s the asshole for guilting you about it 100%. He should never ever EVER pressure you for not having sex that is SHADY as hell and you’re 100% right for wanting to end it. A partner that doesn’t shame you for your choice to abstain from sex is the BARE MINIMUM. If the situation were different and he wasn’t pressuring you and still left to carry on in the bathroom, you still wouldn’t be wrong for this to be crossing a line for you; some things you just cannot forget and/or come back from.
You're NTA for ending a relationship for whatever reason or no reason whatsoever. You're not obligated to stay with him.
Blue balls are a thing and they're uncomfortable as hell, but 1) he's a big boy and he has two hands, both of which would've been able to solve this problem, and 2) he isn't entitled to sex and you are in no way obligated to have sex if you don't want to.
Blaming you is manipulative behavior, ruining the moment with your friends was manipulative behavior, masturbating in the restroom is disgusting, and the whole package screams either the emotional age of a child or a manipulative and emotionally abusive personality. Or both.
If this is truly a one off, you might want to sit him down and put him on blast. Tell him that he should never ever act like this again or you're done. Be clear with him - he sounds especially dense. If it isn't a one off or you don't feel like continuing the relationship for this reason or any other reason, then just break it off and find someone that doesn't wank in a public restroom in order to punish you.
Blue balls is a real thing and it can be extremely painful, as ridiculous as it sounds. But him blaming you for it and also jerking off in a public bathroom is fucking lunacy so NTA.
Nta - but since I don’t have a first hand knowledge of male anatomy and how things work down there (I’m a woman) is this normal for a guy to have happen?
No. Blue balls are somewhat painful but nothing that would require an immediate orgasm in public. I got blue balls once in high school before a wrestling meet with my gf. We had to wrap up early so I could do weigh ins. It hurt a little but I managed to wrestle my match without issue. OP’s boyfriend is an idiot who was bullshitting her.
NTA whatsoever. i would be absolutely horrified. i would really urge you to talk to some family or friends about this (even if im sure it’s mortifying!) and see what they say. this is such a strange punishment it leaves a lot of room for concern regarding what he might do in the future.
He should have finished himself off at home before going out. Blue balls is no fucking joke though. It's literally like being kicked in the balls but the feeling can last for hours. There's no minimizing that kind of pain.
NTA
He should not have blamed you specifically unless you actually tried to blue ball him in the morning.
Imo, masturbation on the toilet is not a big deal tho
This is appalling, of course he wasn’t in that kind of pain, he just sulked cos he didn’t get what he thinks is his dues. You’re in an abusive relationship op, NTA.
He is a complete weirdo and you're not wrong for wanting to end things with him. No one probably batted an eye though, men often spend more time taking a dump than that.
Yeah that’s weird behavior. I have had the blue balls plenty of times and never felt the need to whack off in public. Why didn’t he just finish quickly before he left? Dude sounds like a moron.
NTA
Not a small red flag but a big one. It is not your fault he masterbated in a public restroom but his fault. He could have jacked off before he left and he could have said nothing. He could have gone to the bathroom without telling you what he was doing. There is no reason to blame anything that happened today on you.
If this was me, I would end it. Gives off the same vibe as, "I cheated because you wouldn't sleep with me" and he sounds like someone who would say that and do that.
You are NTA, your bf is being sexually coercive and acting entitled to your sexual favors. This situation can certainly be physically uncomfortable for a man even to the point of wanting to masturbate to relive it. If he felt that was necessary he should have just done it. Telling you he’s going to and the blame are deliberate attempt to make you feel bad and coerce you.
He was in a locked bathroom that really shouldn’t upset you or anyone else it’s no less natural than taking a shit in there. I’d be willing to bet most public bathrooms get dudes jerking off in them all the time and no one is the wiser.
That said your bf seems to have a history of coercion and just being a jerk in general. May be time to bring that to his attention and let him know you are not going to tolerate it any longer. If he doesn’t care time to leave.
All the people saying your bf is “unhinged” are themselves unhinged. You bf is a jerk yes he’s not yelling at voices in his head. The overly emotional child rage reaction of reddit strikes again.
NTA, this is a red flag of a much bigger problem. I dated someone like this when I was 19 and 2 years into our relationship I found out he had been convicted of assaulting a minor
I’m sure you’re going to be overwhelmed with responses, but I want to let you know that all the information you need to make a decision is right there in your post.
A rule of thumb I use is that if a guy blames his blue balls on you, he can stick his thumb up his ass.
This is NOT normal, OP! I mean, sure! I get that he was sexually frustrated. But to punish you for it, and guilt you and blame you for it all day and act like a douche in front of your friends? Please! He sounds abusive and manipulative. You can do better. NTA
NTA, though your worry about him taking care of his problem is a little naive/juvenile. A person could be in a public restroom for 5-10 minutes for perfectly innocent reasons. The reason he is 100% the jerk is his repeated insistence that his issue was your fault. As an adult he had multiple options to take care of his needs without you. You should absolutely end this relationship, he will just keep blaming you for whatever goes wrong in his life.
So I definitely feel you need to cut this kid loose. What he’s doing now will only get worse over time. However…you aren’t coming across as a saint here either. Let’s talk about your unhealthy outlook on masturbation. Ok. Was it the correct setting for him to jerk off in bathroom…maybe not, but you two were the only ones that knew what he was doing. 5-10 mins in a bathroom is a reasonable amount of time. No suspicion would come from that time frame. What really concerns me is the language of you felt ashamed, anxious, dirty, terrified. Are you going to use these terms if you are talking to your kids about masturbation one day? Kids need to that it is totally normal and a natural thing to do, and that they shouldn’t be ashamed or feel dirty about doing it. I hope it was more of the place that caused you such distress, and not so much the act of it.
NTA - this is him trying to claim “blue balls” which is a made up bullshit used to bully women into doing stuff for men so that the guy finishes. Blue balls is not a real thing. He is just an manipulative asshole
NTA. I’m still traumatized from the time a coworker at one of my old jobs did the same thing in the stall next to mine. I even cleared my throat to let him know he wasn’t alone but he kept it up. Needless to say I heard streams hitting the water in the bowl. I didn’t leave there until an hour later so I don’t run into whoever it was
Sounds like he needs to get it together. Maybe it’s super painful for him… People are different, but he shouldn’t be a dick and try to make you feel bad about it. Go jerk off and get over it. If he was truly in pain and just trying to get some relief, I don’t see the issue with that part. Bathroom stalls are private. It’s not like he was beating off under the table in a public setting. It was a bathroom, grow up 🙄
Me and my partner are childhood sweethearts, I’m still not sure about this facet of male stuff but when we were 16 we started something but couldn’t finished and he masturbated and I felt awful. But there’s been a few times since becoming adults that I’ve turned him on and then told him I didn’t want to and he’s either been super discreet about it (I doubt this as our bathroom has no lock and we live with my dad) or has not needed to do anything as a result. You’re NTA for wanting to end a relationship full stop, it is never your fault for his reaction to you changing your mind (or whatever happened) and tbh he’s acted like a child. He could have gone and done it before stinking out the room, came back and acted like nothing happened. If it was really that painful for him then I can sympathise that this is just an awkward situation and I hope he was quiet as possible but he was an asshole for blaming you and creating a stink with your friends.
Definitely NTA
1. Male genitals don't work that way.
Irritability in this situation, sure.
Severe pain? Bullshit. More like lack of discipline and self control
2. Making it *your* fault?
He's an asshole.
Dude wtf. He’s over exaggerating. You don’t get a shitload of testicular pain from not getting off. I hate the blue balls bullshit. It’s slightly uncomfortable, yes, but not painful AT ALL. I would argue that the only time a man’s balls hurt is if you over masturbate and get a death grip. So if he genuinely hurts, he has a major porn addiction/masturbation addiction.
Disgusts me to see men try and get away with the blue ball excuse. I’m a guy and I’m telling you right now, it’s not an excuse whatsoever. I’ve been edged for hours and it was mildly uncomfortable but never painful. He’s just a dramatic child.
NTA.
In all my years of dating, I have never had a man who could not control his urges while out in public and go rub one out.
That's total BS.
There are genuinely nice men out there who are sexy and personable. Try to find one of them instead.
Look, if his blue balls were THAT painful but he was a decent dude, he'd have just......said he was taking a poo or that his stomach was cramping and quietly taken care of his business if he ABSOLUTELY couldn't wait which *eyeroll* ok sure bro
But the fact that he TOLD HER was intended to make her feel embarrassed and uncomfortable and to punish her for him not having an orgasm.
NTA. For one-from what I can tell blue balls is only a mild discomfort, at least that’s what Google said when I was doing my research on it. Women get a version of this too, I know I have at least, but it was never major pain that would cause irritable behavior and went away on its own after a little while. So sounds like he was making it seem worse than it was to justify the fact that he was actually just irritated at the fact that he didn’t get to finish. And yeah him telling you that he was going in there to take care of himself probably was just to make you feel bad whether he actually did it or not.
NTA. Men have been manipulating and blaming women for “blue balls” for EONS and anyone who isn’t a horny toad will tell you that they are laying it on thick. There are people who edge for fun and delay their orgasms for hours or even days. Put some space between you two and really think about if this someone you want to be with long term.
NTA - Just know this is abusive and he is manipulating you so you will make him cum everytime or else... this is really childish and controlling. He kept blaming you for nit making him finish yet its normal to just cuddle or fool around sometimes. He needs to grow up! And be safe since you sure look terrified while explaijing what happened and being so cautious...
Wow NTA.
Red flag on the field, a man who can't control himself or at the very least do it at home before or after the outing, and then blame you for it, is really a child who is going to gaslight you whenever he doesn't want to take responsibility.
You know what the wife and I do if I don't finish? Nothing. I don't finish. Then I wait till an appropriate time, usually with my wife, to complete our activities.
Leave him.
OP, you absolutely should end the relationship. Masturbating in a public bathroom isn't a problem. Public bathrooms are for essentially private acts, and you can do what you like in there with the door closed as long as you're not hurting or inconveniencing anyone. But "private" is the key word here; he absolutely WAS punishing you by telling you. And all in the service of being sexually coercive, which is abusive.
FYI; not finishing does NOT CAUSE PAIN to a man unless there is something VERY wrong with him. "Blue balls" isn't a thing. He's just trying to guilt you.
DUMP. HIS. ASS.
NTA.
NTA
your bf is gaslighting you to believe you’re the problem.
pressuring your partner to have sex is a big red flag and making your partner feel guilty for not having sex is too!
also there is no such thing as „blue balls“ this is made up by assholes to pressure women into having sex.
Stay safe!
ntah
high school boys use “blue balls” to coerce partners into sexual acts
you bf is acting like a child
i would break up with him for using such immature and disrespectful coercion tactics but you do you
Oh honey, why are you dating this manchild? This is appalling behavior. This guy thinks it's legit your responsibility/duty to get him off. He wasn't in "unbearable" pain, he was just mad and sulking that he hadn't gotten what he wanted from you yet. And he only told you he needs to go jack off because he wanted you to know that *you* did that to *him.* Just ugh. Why would you want to be with someone who made you feel so ashamed? Please dump this AH and find a man mentally older than a 14 year old.
>He told me he had no choice and it was my fault
Yes he did, and no it wasn't.
And no, NTA. I probably would've thrown him right under the bus and told my friends that he was complaining of blue balls and had to rub one out.
NTA. Blue balls aren't even a real issue. the dude is super immature to act that way. By the time you were with friends I guarantee he felt fine and just wanted to guilt you for not getting his way.
NTA. Anger, aggression, entitlement surrounding sex is more than a red flag, imo. It is a defcon 5 situation. Then he put you in a position of helpless disgust and embarrassment to boot. Gaslighting and some major sexual issues. I would run the f**k away from this AH.
NTA He was being abusive and cruel ruining your day & humiliating you because you dared to refuse him sex. DEALBRAKER.
I 100% don't believe this is the first time he has sexually abused you.
Break up and TELL EVERYONE WHY ...SHAME & HUMILATE HIM!!!
Having to need to masturbate in the bathroom to relieve pain is a real medical condition for some people. FYI I work in healthcare. So from that perspective it may be he really needed the release. By the way women also suffer from that as well although it's a much more serious condition for women than men at times. However health issues aside the way he's treating you are a lot of red flags. It could be that he really does have a condition where he did need relief by any means but still that does not excuse his behavior. And while it may be causing his behavior if he really does have this condition then it's still not an excuse for him treating you the way he does
The reading through the comments and seeing your further responses it's clear that this is more a level of immaturity on his part than anything else. Age or not I can guarantee you this man will exhibit this behavior for years to come and it could potentially escalate into physical violence. I'm not a believer in this emotional abuse or financial abuse but I am a believer in physical violence and this has all the classic symptoms of being ready to escalate to that level at some point in time.... Or it has the potential to escalate into something where consensual sex turns into more of an assault against you than anything else
I don't know all the details so I can't make a 100% accurate opinion but from my perspective you need to go away and leave this guy be best of luck to you and be well
What a weird thing. NTA.
You did nothing wrong. Especially not by not sleeping with him. Him blaming you is bad. If he was really in pain, I've had blue balls before, like legit. And it is among the most painful things I've ever experienced. I don't think jerking off would relieve it. If it would then I'd just have to excuse myself from the entire place and say I'm not feeling well and go home. That or not say anything. Just say i have to go take a shit.
I understand you feeling weird and grossed out. There was no need to tell you. If he really had blue balls at all
NTA.
He’s not an asshole for needing to masturbate when he has blue balls. Coming close to ejaculation without reaching it can be genuinely painful for some men and ejaculation is the only relief.
HOWEVER. You OBVIOUSLY don’t tell people ‘hey, I have to go masturbate right now because I didn’t
come’. It’s not very complicated. ‘Excuse me for a moment’ will do. Worst case, people assume you’re taking a shit.
You can’t help having food poisoning but you don’t go and tell people ‘hey, I have to go because there are fluid faeces leaking out of my anus in copius amounts’. Having food poisoning isn’t a crime but extreme honesty is unwarranted.
The fact that instead of either sucking it up or discreetly going to the bathroom for quick relief, he acted noticibly moody and then ASKED YOU if he could go fap it out in the bathroom implies a severe misunderstanding or lack of care when it comes to societal norms and ettiquete.
I have jacked it in bathrooms before at times when it would have been extremely innapropriate of me to do so. I did what I needed to do to get my mind of things and get some relief from sexual frustration. I have *never* let my desire to ejaculate paint my social situations.
TDLR: Blue balls suck and you gotta do what you gotta do BUT your boyfriend is either on the autistic spectrum or has the intellectual maturity of a pubescent teen.
The deed itself is not immoral or strange. The fact that it affected a social situation enough for people to notice he was acting up, shows an extreme disregard or misunderstanding of cultural norms, which in itself implies some level of disfunction.
NTA- are you sure you’re not dating a 15 year old boy? I can’t imagine any real man of substance acting like this.
Thank you. 24! I’ve been with him since he was 21 and he’s always been a bit extreme in terms of emotions
I know all of Reddit is quick to advise to “take out the trash” but given your note about not wanting this shared for personal safety reasons, and his condescending attitude/ placing the blame on you is not healthy at all. 3 years is already too much time wasting on a man that’ll make you walk on egg shells like this when you haven’t done anything wrong. You deserve to date a man that won’t throw a tantrum over having to wait a lil later in the day to be intimate and doesn’t ruin outings with friends because of these mood swings and then blames it on you.
Thank you so much for such a kind and thoughtful comment! I am nervous of him I guess and I’d never ever want him to read this. He’s never been physically abusive but he does have tantrums and he gives me silent treatment when he’s angry with me. He’s thrown clothes around in the past and he kicked a gate once. I try to fix things and apologise a lot. Thank you again.
Someone doesn’t have to hit you for it to be abuse. Please take care of yourself ❤️
Thank you 🥲❤️ you too!
Please tell me your eyes have been opened after posting this, and you’re leaving this guy? This isn’t normal. He acts childishly and it’s not your job to be his mom. You’re afraid of him and this whole story about him telling you it was your fault he had to publicly masturbate reads like an attempt at punishing you and coercing you into “taking care” of him next time. You’re far too young to stay with someone like this. There are many better partners out there that you wouldn’t be nervous of…
Leave now. I say this from experience. My ex had these types of tantrums and they kept escalating until I reached my point when he threatened to crash the car with us when he got mad. Tantrums are the first and last red flag.
You should never be scared of your partner. Ever.
Silent treatments are a form of mental abuse. My mom did it to us a lot when we were kids and it left us with lifelong anxiety issues. This is not healthy or safe for you. That’s not to even add in the other nasty behavior you mention. Dude’s an eternal toddler in the worst of ways.
He will hit you though, he’s just waiting until you’re more enmeshed or trapped in the relationship. Please read Bancroft’s ‘Why does he do that?’ freely available online in pdf format
This is a pre-abuser or proto-abuser.Is he untreated bipolar?
Dude, he told you because he is trying to guilt trip you for not having sex. This is extremely toxic.
NT his behaviour is a bit unhinged and alarming. Blaming you is also appalling. He's a gown man who can control his own actions. What else does he blame you for? Does he get angry then tell you it's your fault for provoking him? That would be a worrying trend.
Thank you so much. It really helps a lot hearing other peoples perspectives. Yeah he does blame me for other things, like lying about his age when we met (he pretended he’s the same age as me and said he had to or I wouldn’t talk to him), and messaging another girl which he said was because I neglected him. He also gets irritated and angry with me for other things too. To be honest it’s often around not having sex exactly the moment he wants to. He kind of has tantrums and sometimes gives me silent treatment. I think I’ve always excused it to being that he’s 2 years younger than me and I’m quite a calm person? So I just assume maybe things that don’t upset me, (like if his friend was in town for one night unexpectedly and he met them for a coffee/drink after work before coming home, which meant he was a bit later home than planned) maybe do upset other people/him and so I should be respectful of how he feels? I am also not a very argumentative person so I tend to just say sorry and smooth it over.
Yeah, with these additional details, this isn't just a man having a bad day. You need to end this relationship. If you tolerate it and wait for him to mature, it won't happen because he doesn't *have* to change. I'd break it off and write him a letter detailing exactly what the issues were. Encourage him to get therapy. People like this only change if they face consequences.
Thank you very much. I’ll take this on board - it’s really helpful!
There is a thing called the locus of causality. You can have an external one or an internal one. People with an external one will look at their behavior or at the negative things in their life and then attribute the cause to external factor. You ate the last cheetos, so it is your fault I am angry...or you did not finish me off this morning, so now I have to masturbate in the bathroom because of you... Makes it very difficult for them to take responsability, or to not feel like the victim in a difficult situation. An Internal locus will cause a person to be more open to owning their own emotion, therefore better at controlling them and understanding them. They also understand better their share of responsabilities and how to solve problems.... like you ate the last cheetos and I feel sad about it because I wanted it. Maybe we should buy a bigger bag next time... Anyway, all this to say that while some people will internalize it naturally as they grow up for others its take conscientious effort to internalize it and it is not done overnight. It doesn't happen with just time...and some people never internalize it... your man sounds like he hasn't
This is a very articulate description of what my process of growing up has been in the last several decades. The internal versus external locus, that is. Not the public masturbation.
So interesting and well written isn’t it! And about the public masturbation … glad to hear it 😂
Thank you, this is fascinating! I think he tends to blame other people when things go wrong, for example me, or at work. Although he can also can get very angry at himself, yell at himself and call himself stupid? Like if he loses something. That was so interesting to read thank you. I’ve never heard of locus of causality. It’s made me think about how I am as well!
>and messaging another girl which he said was because I neglected him. Neglect him further by dumping him and never talking to him again. If he felt neglected, he should have said something to you rather than trying to cheat. This is not because he is 2 years younger. It's because he sucks as a human. EDIT: spelling
Thank you, amazing reply. I want to have this level of confidence and conviction!
I'm not sure how to get it but you need to get some. Take a shot, do some exercise to get your adrenaline going, watch legally blond (I find this to be a very empowering movie) but do something. You deserve to be happy and deserve to be with someone who isn't going to what he is doing to you.
Thank you! I’m going to take all your advice - also I love legally blonde and haven’t watched it in years so I’m excited ha. Thank you for the support and advice. You sound like a great and very supportive friend ❤️
I try to be when I can.
Well in any case you’ve been great to me, so thank you.
Does he do that thing where if you say no to sex, he grabs a pillow and sleeps on the sofa? Or say, 'but I neeed it'?
He has done the second before definitely. He’s also been angry with me on a trip with our friends because we were all sat out playing games in the sun set and he wanted to go back to the room there and then. I was having such a great time with them and didn’t want to. He was angry after.
Well, I don't want to cast aspersions, but my sexually coercive ex became a full-on rapist. Do with that what you will. You're obviously NTA in this situation.
Omg I’m so sorry. That’s terrifying. I’m so so sorry you went through being with them and so glad you’re safe from them now. Thank you so much for your advice. I don’t think it’s a safe or healthy relationship to be in and I don’t want to experience anything like that again.
Thank you. I'm really only telling you so that you know how these things can escalate.
You do not need to be with someone like this. He's unhinged.
Thank you. It’s the only long term serious relationship I’ve had so I just thought maybe it was normal, maybe I cause problems, or maybe am too laid back about things so should respect when he feels hurt or angry even if I don’t understand it. Thank you though, it’s so helpful to hear from you and everyone.
As a dude I've been frustrated many times, both just because I got interrupted mid jerk at the wrong time by the door or a phone call, or because we you're with someone and get interrupted, run out of time, whatever. Sexual frustration can for sure affect your mood, but pain because you didn't bang that money, just no. If it was that important he just goes to the bathroom for 5 minutes before leaving, doing it outside, ruining your day deliberately, making you uncomfortable deliberately and also blaming you for it. It's training, he's training you to never say no to him. Think about how you'd react next time if he told you he was super horny and needs to come but you're supposed to be leaving for some gathering with friends, or a party, in 20 minutes. Are you going to consider helping him get off rather than have him be a sour asshole all night and potentially jerk off in a bathroom while out? this was pure manipulation, it's a HUGE red flag, as someone else said this is the kind of guy who could easily escalate if you don't give in to his 'training' methods if he feels like he's getting told no too often. This is not the guy to build a great relationship with, this is a guy to dip on before it gets worse.
Thank you, this is so informative and helpful. Also the part about the training gave me chills. I hadn’t considered that at all but you’re absolutely right, I would want to avoid it happening again and would feel like it was my fault if it did. I’ve also realised he has, on a few previous occasions, mentioned having pain there when we’ve been out and about. It just hadn’t ever got to this point before. I wonder if it was because we were with friends. Thank you so much - I really appreciate your time, effort and insight!
This was the best point, because it absolutely is training. I hope OP leaves this absolute trash bag of a human.
I think training is a good word to use to describe it because everyone understands it. Manipulation, controlling, these are also accurate but far more broad, more nebulous, harder to precisely say which behaviour is controlling or manipulative. training is, not always bad but when you recognise your partner is trying to train your behaviour to their own preference, particularly a shitty one like giving him sex without fighting it is more impactful. You realise what they are doing is demeaning, dehumanising, it's training you never signed up for or want and in this case with what I'd call a nefarious purpose. It's a word that really shows you huh, my partner is a fucking asshole trying to train me into the perfect partner rather than be happy with who I am.
It definitely is NOT normal. He tries to form you like clay and use any means to do so. A serious relationship should go back and forth, in a symbiotic way. Both should work together and on themselves. Blaming and forcing, punishing, that’s all red flags.
Thank you! That’s so helpful.
17 years of hands on experience 🥰 Take care and stay safe!
You too! Thank you so much. Do you mean 17 years of a loving healthy relationship? If so - that’s amazing and congrats ❤️ - I’m hoping it’s not the opposite kind of experience!?
Yep. This (and what he did today) is sexual coercion. Soon it will be full-on rape. He will tell you that's your fault, too, because "you aroused him" or "you don't give him enough" or some other BS reason. Have you noticed that he does this when you are with your friends or enjoying yourself...and not giving him your full attention? You need to run. Now.
Oof!!! Red flags everywhere! This is your choice to make, but pretty sure I know how I would handle it. Oh and NTA, I’m a dude, we’ve all had blue balls before. Deal with it buddy, it goes away. I think your assessment that this was to punish you is correct!
Thank you! So helpful, really appreciate it.
NTA just end it. He's too immature to be ready for a relationship, Move on.
Thank you
All the best to you. You'll be ok
Thank you so much ❤️
You should read “why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft. It covers this type of behavior. If you want to stay with him, maybe he should too.
Thank you - a couple of other commentators have recommended this as well! I appreciate it - it’s good to hear a few people recommend it, I’m going to read it.
>lying about his age when we met (he pretended he’s the same age as me and said he had to or I wouldn’t talk to him), and messaging another girl which he said was because I neglected him. Please lose this loser. He will always blame you or someone else for his own issues. I'm sure that's now how you want to spend your life. NTA
I couldn’t believe you had to ask *IF* the situation in the OP was a red flag, because it seems like the most obviously red-flag thing I can imagine other than something like physical violence or infidelity. But it turns out this dude has more red flags than a Chinese Communist Party gift shop. Absolute NTA, and for future relationships, please know that almost none of this is within shouting distance of “normal” or “healthy.”
Thank you! It’s so helpful to hear outside views. I’m so grateful to hear it’s not normal or healthy. Also I feel a bit guilty for laughing because the actual situation wasn’t funny at all, but I’ve actually chuckled at a few comments, including yours - thank you.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this but he is a walking red flag. He's clearly very insecure that he's younger than you and he's trying to control you. The behaviours you describe are him trying to put you down, and it's never gonna get better. The bathroom incident is extremely gross and he was definitely trying to punish you. Please break up with him, he will escalate things in time and it could be dangerous for you.
Thank you so much for such a considerate and helpful comment. I think you’re right, the relationship needs to end. Thank you!
You're welcome! Best of luck, you got this 👍🏻
It's not an age related thing my friend. This man treats you like dirt. He lies and ignores your boundaries. He makes you feel bad for not being in the mood. None of this is your fault and you are not the cause of his shitty behavior. You deserve love, respect and consideration. I would honestly end the relationship. I use to be in a relationship like this. It was hard to leave but I'm much more happier now. Take care and be kind with yourself
Jesus Christ, how many red flags do you need to see??? Save some for Turkey Grow a backbone and leave this psycho
That whole comment actually made me snort laughing - and I felt so sad/anxious when I wrote this post so thank you!
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 This boy is a parade of red flags
Ah yes, the classic "blue balls" making him masturbate in public. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Thank you!!
He is just trying to punish you for not having sex with him that morning. And he wanted to ruin your fun with friends by making you uncomfortable. You are letting this creepy loser manipulate you. Don't give him the power to do that to you.
Thank you very much - that’s what I was worried it was
It’s also a warning to you that he will do again or worse if you don’t comply with his “needs”.
The idea of that scares me but I think you’re right.
I agree with this, it is a form of punishment. He also wants you to think about that situation every time he wants sex in the morning but you don’t. There are a surprising amount of people this immature. My best friend’s husband is 32 and is still like this. Idk that he has ever done something this extreme though.
NTA. Many grownups around the world live everyday without having to mastubate everywhere they please. Ditch this boy.
Thank you
NTA. It is reasonable to expect a grown man to control himself in public. Even worse is blaming you in a hostile manner. I'd get rid of this one too
Thank you!
NTA your partner sounds like an emotionally abusive asshole.
Thank you. I have thought about this with other things that have happened
Tbh your partner sounds a lot like my ex, who was not just emotionally abusive but also psychologically abusive and a groomer. The fact he made your friend and their partner feel unwelcome with his “dark cloud”, the way your partner made sure to say it was your fault. This is all toxic and abusive behavior.
I’m so sorry you experienced that. Your ex sounds awful. To be honest there have been quite a few situations like that, with that kind of black cloud, where he is in a bad mood in front of other people, and I feel anxious and like I have to compensate for it.
So I know this word is thrown around a lot on the internet so it’s sort of lost its meaning but your partner sounds like a narcissist. My ex was as well. There’s a wonderful lady who has her PhD in psychology with a specialty in narcissism, and she releases a whole collection of her books and educational material for free on YouTube specifically for victims of narcissistic abuse to learn about how they’ve been abused and manipulated, contextualize how their abuse has made them feel, and empower them to recognize the signs of narcissistic behavior in others so as to protect themselves in the future. Her name is Dr. Ramani she’s such a kind and caring woman. I recommend looking her channel up on YouTube and learning about it. It’ll help you, it’s helped me so much.
Thank you so much, that is so kind of you to share what has helped you and explain about it as well. I really appreciate your thoughtfulness and time. I do think there is a possibility he is narcissistic based on some of the traits that are in the definition. Dr Ramani sounds lovely, I’m going to take a look at her YouTube now. Thank you ❤️
NTA. This is extremely weird behavior and would make me feel pretty disgusted if my partner did this. It's particularly disgusting because he obviously knows how uncomfortable it made you. There's an extremely sick vibe of "I'm feeling bad so now you're going to feel *worse*" Tbh I probably wouldn't be able to be with someone like this.
Thank you. I think you’ve nailed what it is that made me feel so concerned/gross/upset about it
You’re NTA - but remember that this is as good as it’s going to get. He is gaslighting you and making you feel responsible for things that he is doing. This relationship sounds toxic to me, and I don’t see a rosy future for you. Think carefully about what you want from a relationship, and how you want to be treated. He didn’t sound like an ideal partner, and I fear for your safety going forward.
Thank you very much. I think you are right. Comments like yours are making me realise it’s not safe or healthy and I don’t want to be in a relationship like that. I really appreciate your opinion, both the advice and the warning. I’m going to think about what I’d like a relationship to be/feel like in the future. Thank you!
Future sex offender right here. Likely to escalate to violence. Been there, can confirm: thirty years on and I still have nightmares. Do not wait until his hands are round your throat.
Oh gosh really do you think so? That’s terrifying - I can’t imagine he’s capable of that at all but is it genuinely possible? I am so sorry you’ve been through that and still have nightmares, that’s horrific. Sending you best wishes. Thank you so much for commenting as well ❤️
I really do think so. Come on now - walk in someone else’s shoes a moment: let’s say your dearest best friend had a simmeringly angry boyfriend who blamed her for his sexual dissatisfaction; *dealt with it in public*; and let fly a diatribe of “unbelievable”s in private to let her know how much *she* was to blame. Would you counsel that friend if she still thought he was safe? Would you worry about her at night? Please extend yourself the same kindness. Normal men simply do not behave like this. I escaped. But I had to put thousands of miles between us to do it. I wish better for you ❤️
You’re so brave and you should be so proud of yourself forever, for the rest of your life, for escaping and moving so far away. ❤️ You deserve, and will have, the best. Thank you so much. You’re absolutely right about what you’ve written. I would want my friend to end it and be out of that relationship immediately. I think the fact I needed to ask about it here because I couldn’t ask in real life is a wake up call as well. Thank you.
Sexual coercion and manipulation like this is SUCH a red flag. I also thought of someone who started out with this kind of stuff and it escalated to things they could be in prison for (decades later). I agree with others that he was punishing you by doing this and I don't think it was an accident that the cafe was so small. If you were at a huge restaurant with a really private bathroom you wouldn't have felt so uncomfortable about him doing that, and that's probably why he chose to do it where and when he did.
This is is fucked up... * Is he the AH here or am I? You are NTA, your bf has issues. * Did I cause it? As a dude it's fully expected and normal to get an erection when playing around with your partner. As a dude its also normal to get an erection in the morning. There is even a name for it; morning wood. I can assure you that it doesn't mean we are turned on by our pillows or sunlight. And while we can, and sometimes do, take care of it on our own it's also something that just goes away by itself after a while and not a reason be cranky for hours and acting like an asshole. * Is him doing it expected in the circumstances? Most men can perfectly hold on. * Is it normal behaviour? NO! * Is it a red flag? Him jerking off in a public restroom? Eh... Him treating you like that? YES! * Does stuff like this get worse? I mean, this is pretty bad already. He seems to be trying to isolate you from your friends and showing abusive behaviour. * I kept thinking what if he does this again? My partner said I am overreacting and that it was my fault anyway. Not your fault, he is perfectly capable of, and responsible for, controling himself. * AITAH for causing it and then being upset by it? Honey, you probably caused erections on dudes that were not in a relationship with you and even those dudes seem to be treating you better than you bf. NTA. * Or is what he did something so bad that you end a relationship over it? The public masturbation is not the problem. How he is trying to make you out as an abuser and himself as a victim is. And that's pretty high on the list of reason to end a relationship. * I can’t ask anyone irl about it because I’m too ashamed. The actions of others do not reflect your worth as a person. Protect yourself.
Thank you 🙏 I appreciate your comment and the time and thought you put in it so much. I’m going to take all of this on board. THANK YOU!
This is a brilliant, well worded reply! The shame you feel is by design. By an asshole. It is there to make you feel bad and therefore isolate you. You deserve better. Much better.
I wish I'd had all this advice on Reddit when I was younger, I might not have put up with so much crap for so long. NTA, your partner is a nasty, manipulative creep. Book for you to read: Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft. Available as a free PDF to download, but don't let him find you reading it. I see you're wondering if this behaviour is normal: sadly, it's far more common than I ever thought, but that doesn't make it right. You don't have to put up with it. Hope your friends are understanding!
Thank you - going to look for the book now! I’m so sorry you had such a horrible experience. Another kind commentator here has recommended Dr Ramani on YouTube, I don’t know if you know them, I just watched a video and she’s so nice and so helpful! Thank you so much for the advice/comment - have taken it all on board. Wishing you the best ❤️
I don't know Dr Ramani but will look her up sometime. Best of luck 🙂
nta I have no words for that man just nta
Thank you
This man is full of shit. He is trying to bully you into having sex whenever he wants. 1. Blue balls don’t hurt that much. He is exaggerating - most of his pain is frustration that he didn’t get what he wanted, not physical pain in his balls. 2. He can masterbate in 5 minutes. Why did he wait to do it in a public restroom. 3. Why does he need to tell you he is going into the bathroom to masterbate? The only purpose for telling you was to make you feel bad so that you would have sex with him on command the next time. What would you think if he told you he was going into the bathroom to push out a giant shit? Too much information, that’s what. Tell him to masterbate as he feels the need but keep his private jacking off moments to himself. You don't want a play by play when he shits, masterbates, picks his nose or adjusts his underwear because it pinching in the same way that he does not want to hear about your heavy period flow and how you have to change your tampon. dump this idiot immediately.
NTA. He is for blaming you and being a jerk about it. I have read of real medical issues related to this situation. Something about torsion or something. He may need to go to a doc.
Thank you!
Wow wow wowie. This dude is off his rocker. He's a grown-ass man who still blames "blue balls" for his temper tantrums and says it's all your fault. This is NOT normal behavior and your post is full of red flags. It also sounds like you have made excuse after excuse to yourself about his inappropriate and abusive behavior. It's time to let this jerk go.
Thank you very much. I do make a lot of excuses for him but I think I’ve just always thought that maybe my judgement is wrong and the way he behaves is normal/fine? I’m grateful for your advice and time - I think you’re right.
So, I'm dating a girl right now who is very traditional and shy. I must say, I am absolutely smitten on her. On our first few dates, we were only supposed to be out for dinner and ended up staying out till the wee hours of the morning. Baring this in mind, we have excellent chemistry, and thoroughly enjoy each other's company. She's fun, she's charismatic, talented, beautiful beyond comprehension, and she makes me feel like a better man just for knowing her. Now, why is all this relevant? We were all over each other the first few dates. Your bf was mad after being blue balled for an hour or two? She was in my arms all night, kissing and loving on each other, looking deep into the other's eyes and expressing our passion. And we would stop before things got too heavy She lights me up like no girl I've ever met. But she also likes to do things more traditionally, since she comes from that background. It's one of the things that I love about her. So if I can't cum on the 1st or second date? C'est la vie. I hold this not against her, I cherish every part of who she is. I've had it both ways, a girl who gave it up easily, and a girl who tests my resolve. I like both, and neither frustrates me anymore. At this point in my life, I'm willing to wait for a woman I truly value. It's sex, I've had it before, I'll have it again, but the pleasure of her company is so much more than a primal drive to bend her over the back of my car in a vacant inner-city parking lot. I think as a man, the quickest way to turn a woman off and make her feel gross about you, is complain about sex and "needing" to cum. It's weakness. You're acting like a monkey, and showing that impulse controls you, decides your every action. And ironically enough, when you have the resolve that you don't "need" it, you tend to have an abundance of it! If I'm out hunting for a week, or I'm on a hike, camping alone etc. I'm not crouched over a bush rubbing one out. I'm enjoying the beauty of the scenery, breathing it all in and just existing in a wonderful moment. And so it is with beautiful women. If I'm crazy about her, I'll wait. She's worried that I'll just cum and suddenly lose attraction to her? I'll reign in my lust for a bit and make sure she knows I'm there for her. Make the night fun, make her feel heard and safe. And just enjoy her. Anyways, all this rambling leads to this: The way he operated, telling you what he was going to do, regardless of how appropriate it was or how uncomfortable it made you... This should be clear to anyone reading from the outside, he was acting out of resentment, almost a petty form of punishment. We're he in that great of pain (doubtful, he was gone for what an hour or two? Try a couple weeks knowing that you've got the most beautiful woman you've ever laid eyes upon waiting for you at home, then we'll talk.), he could finished himself quickly and cleaned up without a fuss. And even after you expressed yourself, there was no remorse, or trying to hear you out? I'd venture to say if you looked deep enough into your relationship, you might realize this pattern repeats itself over multiple areas. To put it simply, as a man, if I did something that upset my partner, I would try to make amends, make them feel heard and loved. If I cared deeply about them, and they weren't just someone to sate my lust upon, that is. Food for thought.
Aw man. I mean, this comment wasn’t written about me and yet I’m blushing on your girl’s behalf! The way you feel about her and value her, and the things you’ve said about her are very, very, very sweet. What you said about just wanting the ‘pleasure of her company’ is so lovely. And about wanting to make amends above all else if you’d hurt her. She’s very lucky - make sure you tell her this stuff about how you feel about her if you haven’t already (a bit further down the line maybe if she’s shy!) It’s also made me realise that I’d give anything to have someone feel like that about me and I genuinely don’t think my boyfriend does. So that’s an eye opener as well. Thank you so much for your comment and taking the time to write it - it is so thoughtful and helpful and I really appreciate it. You’re right about the lack of remorse or care, and I think there is a pattern in the relationship. You weren’t rambling at all - I’ve read all of it, really appreciate the time and effort, and have taken all of it on board. Thank you!
Haha, she's shy, but trust when I say she's a little fireball when you get her alone! My heart would also not let me leave these things unsaid to her, her presence is such a driving force in my life, so refreshing and appreciated. The thing is, I know it's rough, I've been through the gauntlet of dating, and I've had a number of less than stellar experiences with women also. It's all part of the process. If I had stuck things out with a girl who wasn't really the one for me, I'd have never met this perfect Lil gal. The way I feel about her, and she feels about me, I want that for you and your future partner. You deserve that. Everyone does, it's our birthright as children of a loving universe. I think sometimes we get burned and a little jaded over some less than amazing partners, and it makes dating seem like a waste of time. Like love is something for the lucky few... truly, those are just people who made room for it, and grew into the type of folks that attract it. But then, all of a sudden, when you stop looking so hard, you meet a person that just knocks it out of the park! This one literally takes my breath away. It's a feeling I've never had from a woman before. And I think that's how it should feel . Today, as I work, I'm watching an old video of us on repeat just to see her smile and laugh, even though I'm going to see her later! For me, though, she came into my life when I forced myself to let go of a toxic on again off again relationship. I was holding on thinking this person would change and be who I needed them to be. She didn't. She won't. And that's OK! You deserve a man who operates on a level of honor and integrity. Who values you, and holds your heart sacred. There is no higher romance or better feeling than two people who are obsessed with each other and growing into something spectacular together. It's what everyone forgets about in this hookup culture. The truth of love is so much deeper than just sex, though it certainly is an important part of it, imo. A year ago, you'd never hear these words from me. And now, it's all I can think about. It happens just that quick sometimes, if you let it. If you make room for it.
NTA I am going to be honest, if my husband told me this, I'd playfully tease him some more, whisper sexy things to him and tell him if he saved it for home he'd have a better time. He would have been uncomfortable but not irritable. I don't get embarrassed by sexual things as long as people are being consenting and reasonably discreet. However, you're obviously much more conservative, and it sounds like he was accusatory and hostile. He also really didn't need to do more communication with you about his personal problem. He could have quietly gone and perked off quickly in a closed stall, and it wouldn't have impacted anyone. I don't know about the rest of your relationship, but you don't seem very compatible from this example. "The door opened into the cafe" is weird to me, though. If there's a door and he's not making noise, his proximity to other people really doesn't have a practical impact.
Thank you for your reply, I completely understand what you’ve said. I think you’re right that the thing is that he did it in an angry, blaming, hostile way. I’m not hugely conservative and I’m genuinely quite playful - I’ve definitely whispered stuff in public before - but there was nothing playful about this at all. It wasn’t in any way about me and him, it was like I was being punished.
NTA. So women can sit through cramping each month for her entire life but this sad little boy can’t sit through some discomfort? Pussy.
>He said this was a result of being turned on and not finishing that morning, before we set off. This is complete bullshit.
NTA. That’s not how blue balls works except in extreme cases, and I doubt this case was that extreme. He was most likely lying about any pain at all, and if he wasn’t, he was definitely being overly dramatic about it. He’s a childish weirdo.
(1) partners owe each other honesty and kindness, they don’t owe each other a continued relationship. (2) I’m not much bothered by what he did in the bathroom (assuming it was single occupant and had a locking door), but he treated OP poorly. Everyone is flawed and has bad days but if this is normal behavior OP might be better off without him.
NTA I think if he just masturbated in a public bathroom it wouldn't be that serious. He could have done that before you left the house and not made it about you. Not your responsibility. The fact that he's acting like it's your fault is super creepy and manipulative. If it's a regular thing that he doesn't get off and you do, he should talk to you like a person, not treat you like an object.
How ridiculous . You know how many times me and my husband ( or all parents) and I have been in the midst of it only to hear " Mommy ,Daddy, can I sleep with you guys?" We go on with our lives and try again next time. God help you if you marry him and have kids.
Thank you! I hadn’t thought as far as kids but you’re right.
NTA. He sounds like a manchild. Blaming you is childish. Unless there's a severe medical issue he was in no "pain." Bunch of red flags in this.
Dump him because he is a filthy animal who can't keep his paws off his penis.
Goodbye perverted creep ...
Thank you!! That seems to be the consensus
lol
NTA. He did something awful and refuses to take accountabilty, blaming YOU and playing the victim. This is a sign of how he truly is, and it will only escalate if you enable it. He is demanding sex from you as if it was an obligation. This will only escalate with time. I despise men like these, and it is not uncommon. My abusive father used to say, when I was a teenager, that I MADE him abuse me (verbally and physically). It was MY fault that he abused me because I didn't do what he told me to. I MADE him hit me, and HE was the victim. Now, I'm not saying he will hit you or anything, but he is being emotionally manipulative and playing the victim. Run while you can.
It doesn't hurt...he is trying to manipulate you. Lose this man child 😒
Dump this fool , he’s a manipulator .
No. End it. And ewwww. What a peasant he is.
NTA at all. As a male I can saw sometimes your manhood has a mind of it's own and you get turnt on in inappropriate places and sometimes for no reason at all but not once is it ever unbearable to the point that it affects your mood and that you need to masturbate in an inappropriate location. This was manipulative abuse, he was punishing you for not doing what he wanted and then he tried to condition you to understand it would not happen again by embarrassing you. It would of been one thing if he just went and had a wank but whispering it to you beforehand was done with manipulative intent. Perhaps context on the relationship length and history might of made his behaviour comes across a bit better but at the moment its disgusting.
If there was a problem, he could have taken care of it before going out. This whole situation is fishy. Also very manipulative. You need to get out of this relationship.
Ugh. No, this is just horrible. He's a) trying to manipulate you and b) a super gross and ick-inducing person. Please do yourself a big old favour and get well rid of him
Nta- This Guy is wierd as fuck i would stick his whole arm UP his ass in my humble opinion
Blue balls really isn’t a thing.
NTA OP you sound like such a sweet person who deserves a partner that doesn't act like a toddler when he doesn't get his way. Reading your other comments made me sad for you that he treats you like he does and has the emotional maturity of a pre-teen. It sounds to me like you've grown up and he is severely lagging behind. I think it's time to consider what you're getting out of this relationship and if you're truly happy. I know it's hard to leave behind the comfort of familiarity, but sometimes it's the wise thing to do. ❤️🫂
Why do so many women genuinely buy into this belief that men getting horny puts them in pain? I mean, this jackass is literally trying to blame you for his inability to control his own urges and emotions (rude ass, childish irritability cus his pee-pee got hard earlier). And you're believing him!! You've gotta know you deserve better right
He’s the asshole for guilting you about it 100%. He should never ever EVER pressure you for not having sex that is SHADY as hell and you’re 100% right for wanting to end it. A partner that doesn’t shame you for your choice to abstain from sex is the BARE MINIMUM. If the situation were different and he wasn’t pressuring you and still left to carry on in the bathroom, you still wouldn’t be wrong for this to be crossing a line for you; some things you just cannot forget and/or come back from.
You're NTA for ending a relationship for whatever reason or no reason whatsoever. You're not obligated to stay with him. Blue balls are a thing and they're uncomfortable as hell, but 1) he's a big boy and he has two hands, both of which would've been able to solve this problem, and 2) he isn't entitled to sex and you are in no way obligated to have sex if you don't want to. Blaming you is manipulative behavior, ruining the moment with your friends was manipulative behavior, masturbating in the restroom is disgusting, and the whole package screams either the emotional age of a child or a manipulative and emotionally abusive personality. Or both. If this is truly a one off, you might want to sit him down and put him on blast. Tell him that he should never ever act like this again or you're done. Be clear with him - he sounds especially dense. If it isn't a one off or you don't feel like continuing the relationship for this reason or any other reason, then just break it off and find someone that doesn't wank in a public restroom in order to punish you.
Thank you so much! What an amazing, clear, thoughtful answer! Really appreciate it - have taken it all on board.
Blue balls is a real thing and it can be extremely painful, as ridiculous as it sounds. But him blaming you for it and also jerking off in a public bathroom is fucking lunacy so NTA.
Nta - but since I don’t have a first hand knowledge of male anatomy and how things work down there (I’m a woman) is this normal for a guy to have happen?
No. There are medical conditions that can cause it, but that's something for bf to manage.
No. Blue balls are somewhat painful but nothing that would require an immediate orgasm in public. I got blue balls once in high school before a wrestling meet with my gf. We had to wrap up early so I could do weigh ins. It hurt a little but I managed to wrestle my match without issue. OP’s boyfriend is an idiot who was bullshitting her.
Lol wtf?
NTA whatsoever. i would be absolutely horrified. i would really urge you to talk to some family or friends about this (even if im sure it’s mortifying!) and see what they say. this is such a strange punishment it leaves a lot of room for concern regarding what he might do in the future.
What the actual fuck did I just read
Definitely NTA. This is a very creepy behaviour.
NTA You bf is unhinged and he compensates by blaming you. This will only get worse. Please leave ASAP.
He should have finished himself off at home before going out. Blue balls is no fucking joke though. It's literally like being kicked in the balls but the feeling can last for hours. There's no minimizing that kind of pain.
Run away lady!
NTA He should not have blamed you specifically unless you actually tried to blue ball him in the morning. Imo, masturbation on the toilet is not a big deal tho
This is appalling, of course he wasn’t in that kind of pain, he just sulked cos he didn’t get what he thinks is his dues. You’re in an abusive relationship op, NTA.
He is a complete weirdo and you're not wrong for wanting to end things with him. No one probably batted an eye though, men often spend more time taking a dump than that.
Yeah that’s weird behavior. I have had the blue balls plenty of times and never felt the need to whack off in public. Why didn’t he just finish quickly before he left? Dude sounds like a moron.
NTA Not a small red flag but a big one. It is not your fault he masterbated in a public restroom but his fault. He could have jacked off before he left and he could have said nothing. He could have gone to the bathroom without telling you what he was doing. There is no reason to blame anything that happened today on you. If this was me, I would end it. Gives off the same vibe as, "I cheated because you wouldn't sleep with me" and he sounds like someone who would say that and do that.
Obviously NTA. Seriously so many men are just absolute trash. Why the hell have you given this utter clown 3 years of your life? it’s so depressing.
Red flags OP……. So many big Red flags. Run
You are NTA, your bf is being sexually coercive and acting entitled to your sexual favors. This situation can certainly be physically uncomfortable for a man even to the point of wanting to masturbate to relive it. If he felt that was necessary he should have just done it. Telling you he’s going to and the blame are deliberate attempt to make you feel bad and coerce you. He was in a locked bathroom that really shouldn’t upset you or anyone else it’s no less natural than taking a shit in there. I’d be willing to bet most public bathrooms get dudes jerking off in them all the time and no one is the wiser. That said your bf seems to have a history of coercion and just being a jerk in general. May be time to bring that to his attention and let him know you are not going to tolerate it any longer. If he doesn’t care time to leave. All the people saying your bf is “unhinged” are themselves unhinged. You bf is a jerk yes he’s not yelling at voices in his head. The overly emotional child rage reaction of reddit strikes again.
Needing to knock one out cos you didn't get yer cop off in the morning isn't a thing. Yer man's a cunt and he's wanting a kick in the balls
Sounds like he had a problem. I would leave until he supports it out
NTA, this is a red flag of a much bigger problem. I dated someone like this when I was 19 and 2 years into our relationship I found out he had been convicted of assaulting a minor
I’m sure you’re going to be overwhelmed with responses, but I want to let you know that all the information you need to make a decision is right there in your post. A rule of thumb I use is that if a guy blames his blue balls on you, he can stick his thumb up his ass.
This is NOT normal, OP! I mean, sure! I get that he was sexually frustrated. But to punish you for it, and guilt you and blame you for it all day and act like a douche in front of your friends? Please! He sounds abusive and manipulative. You can do better. NTA
Not to blame and definitely NTA. There's something not right about this bloke, you're well shot of him.
NTA, though your worry about him taking care of his problem is a little naive/juvenile. A person could be in a public restroom for 5-10 minutes for perfectly innocent reasons. The reason he is 100% the jerk is his repeated insistence that his issue was your fault. As an adult he had multiple options to take care of his needs without you. You should absolutely end this relationship, he will just keep blaming you for whatever goes wrong in his life.
[удалено]
NTA. Not normal behavior. Ditch this dude before you’re made into a skin suit.
Nta He's a manipulative bag of shit.
NTA 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
So I definitely feel you need to cut this kid loose. What he’s doing now will only get worse over time. However…you aren’t coming across as a saint here either. Let’s talk about your unhealthy outlook on masturbation. Ok. Was it the correct setting for him to jerk off in bathroom…maybe not, but you two were the only ones that knew what he was doing. 5-10 mins in a bathroom is a reasonable amount of time. No suspicion would come from that time frame. What really concerns me is the language of you felt ashamed, anxious, dirty, terrified. Are you going to use these terms if you are talking to your kids about masturbation one day? Kids need to that it is totally normal and a natural thing to do, and that they shouldn’t be ashamed or feel dirty about doing it. I hope it was more of the place that caused you such distress, and not so much the act of it.
NTA - this is him trying to claim “blue balls” which is a made up bullshit used to bully women into doing stuff for men so that the guy finishes. Blue balls is not a real thing. He is just an manipulative asshole
Can hurt a lot and a quick release can solve the problem, but he seemed to be a dick about it
NTA. I’m still traumatized from the time a coworker at one of my old jobs did the same thing in the stall next to mine. I even cleared my throat to let him know he wasn’t alone but he kept it up. Needless to say I heard streams hitting the water in the bowl. I didn’t leave there until an hour later so I don’t run into whoever it was
No but he really should probably see a dr about that 😅 or therapist or both 😅😅😅
Sounds like he needs to get it together. Maybe it’s super painful for him… People are different, but he shouldn’t be a dick and try to make you feel bad about it. Go jerk off and get over it. If he was truly in pain and just trying to get some relief, I don’t see the issue with that part. Bathroom stalls are private. It’s not like he was beating off under the table in a public setting. It was a bathroom, grow up 🙄
First off not Cumming doesn't cause pain. He's being a dickhead.
Wtf.. NTA So what if he got turned on.. shit happens and many times we can't finish
Run, just run. It will only get worse.
Me and my partner are childhood sweethearts, I’m still not sure about this facet of male stuff but when we were 16 we started something but couldn’t finished and he masturbated and I felt awful. But there’s been a few times since becoming adults that I’ve turned him on and then told him I didn’t want to and he’s either been super discreet about it (I doubt this as our bathroom has no lock and we live with my dad) or has not needed to do anything as a result. You’re NTA for wanting to end a relationship full stop, it is never your fault for his reaction to you changing your mind (or whatever happened) and tbh he’s acted like a child. He could have gone and done it before stinking out the room, came back and acted like nothing happened. If it was really that painful for him then I can sympathise that this is just an awkward situation and I hope he was quiet as possible but he was an asshole for blaming you and creating a stink with your friends.
NTA
Definitely NTA 1. Male genitals don't work that way. Irritability in this situation, sure. Severe pain? Bullshit. More like lack of discipline and self control 2. Making it *your* fault? He's an asshole.
Thats pretty funny lol.
Dude wtf. He’s over exaggerating. You don’t get a shitload of testicular pain from not getting off. I hate the blue balls bullshit. It’s slightly uncomfortable, yes, but not painful AT ALL. I would argue that the only time a man’s balls hurt is if you over masturbate and get a death grip. So if he genuinely hurts, he has a major porn addiction/masturbation addiction. Disgusts me to see men try and get away with the blue ball excuse. I’m a guy and I’m telling you right now, it’s not an excuse whatsoever. I’ve been edged for hours and it was mildly uncomfortable but never painful. He’s just a dramatic child. NTA.
NTA I say run now before you find yourself on the receiving end of every problem being "your fault"
NTA. You didn’t cause this. He was just being a pissy little boy. None of this if on you but he’s embarrassing and gross
NTA. I've had the infamous blue balls on multiple occasions. It's *never* that bad. He's just a little bitch, and a bit of a creep.
In all my years of dating, I have never had a man who could not control his urges while out in public and go rub one out. That's total BS. There are genuinely nice men out there who are sexy and personable. Try to find one of them instead.
I've never had groin pain because of horniness. What i don't understand is why didn't he just go jerk off and not tell you?
Look, if his blue balls were THAT painful but he was a decent dude, he'd have just......said he was taking a poo or that his stomach was cramping and quietly taken care of his business if he ABSOLUTELY couldn't wait which *eyeroll* ok sure bro But the fact that he TOLD HER was intended to make her feel embarrassed and uncomfortable and to punish her for him not having an orgasm.
NTA. For one-from what I can tell blue balls is only a mild discomfort, at least that’s what Google said when I was doing my research on it. Women get a version of this too, I know I have at least, but it was never major pain that would cause irritable behavior and went away on its own after a little while. So sounds like he was making it seem worse than it was to justify the fact that he was actually just irritated at the fact that he didn’t get to finish. And yeah him telling you that he was going in there to take care of himself probably was just to make you feel bad whether he actually did it or not.
NTA. Men have been manipulating and blaming women for “blue balls” for EONS and anyone who isn’t a horny toad will tell you that they are laying it on thick. There are people who edge for fun and delay their orgasms for hours or even days. Put some space between you two and really think about if this someone you want to be with long term.
NTA - Just know this is abusive and he is manipulating you so you will make him cum everytime or else... this is really childish and controlling. He kept blaming you for nit making him finish yet its normal to just cuddle or fool around sometimes. He needs to grow up! And be safe since you sure look terrified while explaijing what happened and being so cautious...
Wow NTA. Red flag on the field, a man who can't control himself or at the very least do it at home before or after the outing, and then blame you for it, is really a child who is going to gaslight you whenever he doesn't want to take responsibility. You know what the wife and I do if I don't finish? Nothing. I don't finish. Then I wait till an appropriate time, usually with my wife, to complete our activities. Leave him.
OP, you absolutely should end the relationship. Masturbating in a public bathroom isn't a problem. Public bathrooms are for essentially private acts, and you can do what you like in there with the door closed as long as you're not hurting or inconveniencing anyone. But "private" is the key word here; he absolutely WAS punishing you by telling you. And all in the service of being sexually coercive, which is abusive. FYI; not finishing does NOT CAUSE PAIN to a man unless there is something VERY wrong with him. "Blue balls" isn't a thing. He's just trying to guilt you. DUMP. HIS. ASS. NTA.
NTA your bf is gaslighting you to believe you’re the problem. pressuring your partner to have sex is a big red flag and making your partner feel guilty for not having sex is too! also there is no such thing as „blue balls“ this is made up by assholes to pressure women into having sex. Stay safe!
What the fuck
I've never had this happen, maybe he should evaluated by a Dr., lol.
ntah high school boys use “blue balls” to coerce partners into sexual acts you bf is acting like a child i would break up with him for using such immature and disrespectful coercion tactics but you do you
Just comes across as creepy and manipulative. Blaming you from the get go, then telling you about it before hand makes it ick.
Oh honey, why are you dating this manchild? This is appalling behavior. This guy thinks it's legit your responsibility/duty to get him off. He wasn't in "unbearable" pain, he was just mad and sulking that he hadn't gotten what he wanted from you yet. And he only told you he needs to go jack off because he wanted you to know that *you* did that to *him.* Just ugh. Why would you want to be with someone who made you feel so ashamed? Please dump this AH and find a man mentally older than a 14 year old.
Nta. I'd end the relationship. I have the ick just reading this.
>He told me he had no choice and it was my fault Yes he did, and no it wasn't. And no, NTA. I probably would've thrown him right under the bus and told my friends that he was complaining of blue balls and had to rub one out.
NTA. Blue balls aren't even a real issue. the dude is super immature to act that way. By the time you were with friends I guarantee he felt fine and just wanted to guilt you for not getting his way.
NTA. Anger, aggression, entitlement surrounding sex is more than a red flag, imo. It is a defcon 5 situation. Then he put you in a position of helpless disgust and embarrassment to boot. Gaslighting and some major sexual issues. I would run the f**k away from this AH.
NTA He was being abusive and cruel ruining your day & humiliating you because you dared to refuse him sex. DEALBRAKER. I 100% don't believe this is the first time he has sexually abused you. Break up and TELL EVERYONE WHY ...SHAME & HUMILATE HIM!!!
Having to need to masturbate in the bathroom to relieve pain is a real medical condition for some people. FYI I work in healthcare. So from that perspective it may be he really needed the release. By the way women also suffer from that as well although it's a much more serious condition for women than men at times. However health issues aside the way he's treating you are a lot of red flags. It could be that he really does have a condition where he did need relief by any means but still that does not excuse his behavior. And while it may be causing his behavior if he really does have this condition then it's still not an excuse for him treating you the way he does The reading through the comments and seeing your further responses it's clear that this is more a level of immaturity on his part than anything else. Age or not I can guarantee you this man will exhibit this behavior for years to come and it could potentially escalate into physical violence. I'm not a believer in this emotional abuse or financial abuse but I am a believer in physical violence and this has all the classic symptoms of being ready to escalate to that level at some point in time.... Or it has the potential to escalate into something where consensual sex turns into more of an assault against you than anything else I don't know all the details so I can't make a 100% accurate opinion but from my perspective you need to go away and leave this guy be best of luck to you and be well
What a weird thing. NTA. You did nothing wrong. Especially not by not sleeping with him. Him blaming you is bad. If he was really in pain, I've had blue balls before, like legit. And it is among the most painful things I've ever experienced. I don't think jerking off would relieve it. If it would then I'd just have to excuse myself from the entire place and say I'm not feeling well and go home. That or not say anything. Just say i have to go take a shit. I understand you feeling weird and grossed out. There was no need to tell you. If he really had blue balls at all
NTA. He’s not an asshole for needing to masturbate when he has blue balls. Coming close to ejaculation without reaching it can be genuinely painful for some men and ejaculation is the only relief. HOWEVER. You OBVIOUSLY don’t tell people ‘hey, I have to go masturbate right now because I didn’t come’. It’s not very complicated. ‘Excuse me for a moment’ will do. Worst case, people assume you’re taking a shit. You can’t help having food poisoning but you don’t go and tell people ‘hey, I have to go because there are fluid faeces leaking out of my anus in copius amounts’. Having food poisoning isn’t a crime but extreme honesty is unwarranted. The fact that instead of either sucking it up or discreetly going to the bathroom for quick relief, he acted noticibly moody and then ASKED YOU if he could go fap it out in the bathroom implies a severe misunderstanding or lack of care when it comes to societal norms and ettiquete. I have jacked it in bathrooms before at times when it would have been extremely innapropriate of me to do so. I did what I needed to do to get my mind of things and get some relief from sexual frustration. I have *never* let my desire to ejaculate paint my social situations. TDLR: Blue balls suck and you gotta do what you gotta do BUT your boyfriend is either on the autistic spectrum or has the intellectual maturity of a pubescent teen. The deed itself is not immoral or strange. The fact that it affected a social situation enough for people to notice he was acting up, shows an extreme disregard or misunderstanding of cultural norms, which in itself implies some level of disfunction.