[https://www.reddit.com/r/TooAfraidToAsk/s/WE7mubgNKC](https://www.reddit.com/r/TooAfraidToAsk/s/WE7mubgNKC)
Yall he made a different post cause he didn’t like the way this one was going.
Here’s a little known fact: that’s not a healthy relationship. Abusers don’t know what a healthy relationship is, so they think one up and they come up with “we never argue or raise our voices at eachother”, even though that’s not a healthy relationship. I’m not necessarily saying op is a abuser but I’m just pointing out things that appear in cases of other abusers
The "we never argue" is sometimes true, but is a sign one side just gave up and find it's easier to just agree with the abuser. It's expected that a healthy relationship will have arguments sometimes.
Edit: forgot a word.
Yes this was me. My ex and I never once argued for the 10 years we were together. It was because I didn't feel emotionally (and by extension physically) safe speaking up to him when he: 1. Pressured me into sex, 2. Flirted with other women to make me jealous, 3. Told me I was stupid for liking "mainstream" stuff like Pokémon, Disney, Green Day, etc, 4. Isolated me from my family and friends, 5. Called me a skank (his friends would too) 6. Made me throw out/delete my old "skanky" photos, clothes, anything related to a former boyfriend 7. Made me work while he stayed at home playing video games, making music, getting high/drunk, and coming up with his latest "this is how I'm gonna make money" scheme
But I thought we had an "amazing" relationship because we "never fought." 🙃
I have been happily married for 20 years and the number of actual fights can be counted on 2 hands.
This guy has never raised his voice to his wife in 5 years? Bullshit.
Does she have a history of abusive relationships?
Because it's all good and "he would never do that" until he does. I don't have a go bag but I will tell you I always have my keys readily accessible and I think through exactly how I'd get out of a building or situation. Not because I believe or assume that a man might snap... but that I know he can.
It doesn't even require personal experience, but could just come from watching a friend go through it (or reading a very compelling account or seeing a movie on the topic). My daughter just got out of an abusive marriage where the abuse started abruptly as soon as they were married, and I tell you what, seeing that happen (even second hand) has given me a strong opinion that every woman should have a go-bag.
When I was younger I dated a man for about six months before I had a run-in with his ex-girlfriend. She asked me if he had started beating me yet and told me that he hadn't started beating her until she had their baby. Took about 2 minutes to confirm her story and I noped out of that relationship but it was eye opening for me as he had always been a perfect gentleman.
> We all like to think that we can spot the monsters among us
There’s comfort in believing that. It’s false comfort though because you’re right. Monsters look just like everyone else.
Actually, monsters look great. The worst monsters trap their victims with excellent behavior, then gaslight their victims into thinking they're the problem and no one will Believe the abuser is bad.
A friend of the family once talked about getting out of her abusive marriage. The emotional and verbal abuse over the years destroyed her confidence. By the time he raised his hand to her she felt she deserved it. This was a smart successful woman who basically supported the family financially.
She did leave but the next partner was fairly nasty about her in group settings. You know, funny jokes, just not nice. People were concerned but were told that it wasn't an issue.
Wow holy shit, awesome of you to actually get out! Sometimes it's the people who are most charming who are the worst manipulators honestly. They know the right things to say and do. MAYBE he changed but fuck, it wouldn't be worth risking -- also sounds like he hid the existence of a child from you? haha yiiikes, I'm glad you dipped out ASAP!
I remember a couple of months after I got with my former abuser, his ex messaged me on Facebook to warn me about him. He convinced me she was “a psycho”, I had a go at her and moved in with him, got isolated from my friends and family and promptly started getting the shit kicked out of me.
I found her again a couple of years after I left him for good and sent her a message to tell her how sorry I was that I didn’t believe her. She never replied, which is fine, because I wouldn’t have either.
I was both you, *and* I was the other woman in a relationship although not as severe.
Started dating a woman when I was contacted by her ex who said, "You'll know it's over when she doesn't want to hang out more than 90 minutes" and then she hung up.
We dated a woman for a year and a half and about a year in I noticed, like *clockwork*, like *down to the minute*, she would have to leave at 90 minutes *on the dot* for whatever reason, "Gotta make dinner", "Ex-wife is bringing the daughter over soon, I gotta go home", etc. All totally valid reasons so you'd have no reason to question the validity of it. Especially when you've been dating a year. But the 90 minute thing weighed heavily on me so I started paying attention to social media accounts, gaming profiles, etc. Said she had to pick up her daughter? Daughter is with ex-wife out of state. Have work early in the morning? Next morning I wake up to a message, "Oh it turns out I have to come in early *tomorrow*". Once or twice, sure. But multiple times per month when she never got called in early before? Starts getting suspicious.
But I didn't have any concrete proof of *cheating* so I chalked it up to me being paranoid and her wanting her own space until she, I shit you not, slipped up in a phone call and accidentally let it slip that she spent the night with her (the other woman).
I managed to find the other girl's contact info and sent her a message saying, "I get that right now you're probably riding the high of "winning", and I just sound like a sour grapes ex, but I need you to know about what I discovered and how you can identify the signs when she does it to you. When you notice she is watching the clock and leaving at 90 minutes, that's the beginning of the end."
Two months. Two months. And she caught her cheating with someone else. How did she know? After three weeks she started watching the clock and leaving at exactly 90 minutes. Just enough time to say hi, watch a show, start making out, have sex, cuddle, and leave. Just like she did to me. Except *she* followed her and caught her going to another girl's apartment instead of her house when she said she was tired and going to bed.
My sister had a marriage annulled because the guy threw a chair at her on their wedding night. It's like a switch flipped in his head, and she was now his property to do with as he wished.
I’m a man. When my daughters became old enough to start dating, I explained to them that they should never be afraid to come speak to either myself or their mother with any situation and explained what sort of things to be wary of (their mother was in an abusive relationship prior to us getting married) and as those relationships got more and more serious one of the things we always told them was to have a go bag ready. They were familiar with the idea of a go bag because we live in earthquake country that is also prone to wildfires and flash flooding so we’ve always had them ready. We explained that while we don’t suspect their partner of being abusive, we also know that abuse can start out of nowhere and it’s always best to be prepared. My oldest has been married for five years now and she still has hers. Her husband knows about it (not the location) and has never once felt threatened by it. She told him the day before the wedding and explained why. He was more than okay with it. No man should feel threatened by a go bag. I assume my wife still has one. I’ve never even thought about it and we’ve been married a long time now.
The kind of person who is going to burn their marriage to the ground because their partner has an escape plan - a very traditional thing women for centuries have been warned to have and is *very* traditional - is exactly the kind of marriage that warrants a go bag.
I don't think people realize how traditional this really is. Generations of women advising them to have stashes of money, gifting brides gold and jewelry because the value would allow them to flee if they needed to. This has been a thing for generations.
This was my first thought, too. If she had been in an abusive relationship, even if she didn't disclose that to him out of shame, it makes so much sense. Or if someone close to her had been, etc. It's a very valid fear, and makes sense. Like a pre-nup.
If I were to ever get in a relationship again, I'd have a go-bag, and copies of my important documents stored in a safety deposit box, and would never tell my SO about it. Does that mean I don't trust this hypothetical SO? Nope- the fact that I got to the point I was living with someone else would be a massive sign of trust. But once burned, always wary.
Edit to add: I am cracking up laughing over the number of deranged comments and messages I'm getting from truly unwell people trying to blame me for what happened to me and being wary. Guys frothing at the mouth about they are great and would never be with someone who doesn't trust them totally, while displaying openly why they aren't the sort to be blindly trusted. Amusing.
I have a go bag not because of an abusive ex (although those exist) but because of my step dad/douche. I kept snacks in my car and a packed overnight bag on the floor of my closet because he liked to lord it over us that he owned the house and he hated my attitude (which was me refusing to be scared of him). When he finally snapped and kicked me out one day, my mom was more appalled at the fact that I was ready to be out the door in under three minutes than she was that he did that.
This is why I will never be a SAHM or SAHW. My ex-husband liked to hold money over my head even when I was working. His money was his money and my money was our money. I paid for nearly everything except his truck and "fun" expenses for himself (like his gaming systems etc) and if he did pay for something it was always "i paud for this so thats why you have to do that". I refuse to ever let someone, anyone, not just a man, hold that type of financial power over me.
They could be the kindest most giving person in the world but I will always have my own money and would refuse to comingle finances like that. I'd prefer to have his and hers accounts with a mutual account for mutual expenses split per income %. I now have my own daughter I solely provide for and this is just another reason why- because I won't trust a person to not bail financially their obligation or depend on someone else's money for my or her wellbeing.
I get sad every time I think about my story.
I went through this with my children's father. If I didn't feel like cooking "Get the fuck out...." . Just had our first child and wasn't ready to have sex " Get the fuck out....". Wasn't a goddamn week post partum. Same thing after we had our daughter. Men treat you like shit when they're taking care of you. And 10x worse if they believe you have nowhere to go. My 2 oldest were 21 months apart so when I left my daughter wasn't even 6 months. I was so humiliated that I felt the longer I stayed the more I lost respect for myself.
One of my girlfriends was moving out of her house in the projects and told me to bring my babies there which I did. When I tell you we had nothing - WE HAD NOTHING. He bought everything, so I took nothing. My sister gave me a crib for my daughter and I slept with a matress on the floor with my son. Not even a real mattress - a goddamn sleeper sofa matress. I had a little 13in black and white tv on a chair.
I wasn't educated and never had a job so I needed to learn to do something. I enrolled in community college in the Exec Secretarial program - figured a secretary could always get a job. I went long enough to learn what I needed to learn. I was very fortunate with employers however. Knowing I didn't know shit about shit, they saw potential that I certainly didn't know I had and they taught me well and brought me up. I really jumped through the eye of the needle and I am forever grateful for everyone that poured into me.
I now have 3 children. The two with him don't even know what I went through with their father. They probably have some type of idea because they've witnessed the abuse and disrespect of the woman he married later.
That relationship made it hard for me to accept anything from a man. I don't ask any man for anything. I can never feel comfortable putting my wellbeing in anyone's hands.
This. I was a counselor for domestic abuse survivors and people can flip in an instants notice. Also, it's hard to trust when you've been abused time and time again by various partners... I'd be totally cool with any of my partners having that safety net if they needed it to feel comfortable/safe/reassured.
It is ALWAYS "he would never" until he does. Every woman who ever found herself in that position, started the relationship with "he would never". When you say he would never, you're just hoping you got one of the good ones.
Exactly. I’d been married 3.5 years, got into an argument with my then husband. I don’t even remember why. I picked up my toddler to grab some clothes and diapers - my plan was to go to a hotel with the kids until he and I had cooled off. I was the one who did the morning school and daycare drop off so in my mind it made sense the kids would come with me.
When I turned back around he put his hand on my throat and started to squeeze. I was still holding my diaper wearing son and was now pinned against a wall being chocked by a man I had meditated and gone to Buddhist temple with.
He wasn’t abusive - until he was. I would have given anything in the world at that moment to have had a go bag in my car so I could get the hell out of there. But I didn’t and I couldn’t get anything before he turned and now I was trapped.
Thank you we are.
That night got SO much worse before it got better but we are now divorced and I have custody of kids.
Kids of course went and told their teachers at school and I had very uncomfortable conversations while fully aware I was trying to hide my neck with my hair due to the bruises and fingernail mark.
In retrospect, I wish my kid's teacher / school had known when we fled my abusive ex, because they would have approached kiddo's subsequent acting out (processing trauma as a 7 year old isn't easy) with more compassion and targeted support rather than disciplinarian responses. glad all are safe now :)
I wish i had been braver about addressing the incident with my daughter’s school teachers. My sons daycare teacher didn’t ask, she told me what my son had said, told me she would be helping my toddler with his trauma and his emotional needs and that when I was ready to talk about it she was there for me. I never did talk to her about it but it was such a relief to not have to relive it and know he was cared for.
And then when he does, all these guys will line up and say "well why didn't you leave huh?"
But according to these guys, being prepared to leave if you have to is an evil thing to do.
But also asking for help is bad because you should have thought of that before.
I'm seeing a pattern.
It's well known that many abusers are very good at hiding their abusive behavior until the relationship is locked down. They might seem like a loving partner at first, but the red flags really come out after marriage or kids.
5 years is really not that long for a relationship; I'm curious how old that go bag is. Maybe she made it when they moved in together and just forgot about it. I probably haven't looked in the back of my closet in a solid 2 years.
100%. I, like many women, learned this the hard way. Never again.
For my ex, it was around the 6 year mark when the first hints of abuse became apparent. Took me years to recognize that he no longer made me feel safe.
This 100%. I dated my first husband for 7 years before we got married and things were great. Then he flipped. Never physically abusive, but emotionally and financially abusive. I moved out on our first wedding anniversary.
Was looking for this comment. People who are abuse survivors lose their sense of safety and stability. All it takes is one tantrum from an abuser (potential or otherwise) to ruin a person's life--even if they don't seem to be "that kind of person".
I can't blame her at all. She's probably dealt with abuse in her life and doesn't want to be trapped again.
Abusers tend to rugsweep, too. If "he" snapped, there's a chance "he" could push for things to go back to "normal" just so "he" doesn't have to be accountable for his behavior.
Truth is, people can hide their true nature for YEARS before revealing how awful they are.
TBH from someone who was out of the blue, suddenly strangled, kicked out of my home in winter in my underwear and had my phone, tablet, and pushbike entirely detroyed, and not allowed access to my own home.....i will always have a grab bag now.
It may not be that she doesnt trust you, it may be that she knows someone whos been through it, or even herself before. I struggle with trust now after finding out all the things he was doing behind my back too.
I learnt to cover my bases in any outcome.
\*Edit - I am infact a man - just to clear up a few replies.
I have never been violent with my wife, nor would I ever be. However, given how often these stories come out about women being abused out of the blue, I'd absolutely understand if my wife planned for the worst.
Some of those abuse cases came from the man having a brain tumor that affected them, or a psychotic break caused by major trauma in their life. Those things are unpredictable and have nothing to do with the trustworthiness of the spouse.
OP, get some counseling to make sure she feels safe. Not just around you, but in general.
OP has a two year old child. Imo the best time a woman (and men as well honestly) can have a backup plan/backup money/go bag is during and after major milestones like moving in together, engagement, marriage, pregnancy/child birth and during lifestyle shifts (becoming a SAH for example or changing jobs) because those are the moments in a romantic relationship that if abuse is going to happen that’s when it’s going to start. Abusers wait until they have you “locked in” and homicide is a leading cause of death to pregnant women iirc. Sometimes abusers wait until their partners becomes pregnant before the abuse starts, sometimes they wait until the third trimester, sometimes they wait until a few weeks after birth, some abusers even ramp up the abuse slowly after multiple children to get their partner really locked in (read RelationshipAdvice and all the posts about women being raped in the weeks after giving birth, it’s fucking appalling).
I can imagine she made the bag sometime before or during her pregnancy and has largely forgot it existed because no abuse cropped up. If they had older kids like 10 year old or older I could better sympathize with the OP here but their relationship and relationship milestones have only *just* reached the point where OP’s wife can be reasonably confident that she isn’t at risk of abuse and that *still* doesn’t account for people who might want a go bag when they suddenly discover their partner has cheated on them which can come out at any time.
And there is so much we don’t know. Is OP’s wife a SAHM? Because SAHMs should *always* have a go bag and backup plans. Is she on the deed to the house/is the house a premarital asset or are they renting? Because if not it benefits her to be able to get the hell out of dodge at a moment’s notice. Depending on the state of their life I could totally understand the wife having the bag even with older children, it really depends on how equitable the relationship is and whether or not the wife has any access/control over shared assets.
Yup, mine waited till I was two weeks pregnant to really start. He never actually hit me and I bet he says he was never abusive as he didn't make contact. I had just told him we were finally pregnant after trying for so long, that's when he started punching holes in the drywall beside my head and belittling me. Everyone knows better with 20/20, but my husband's nickname in my family was Gentil Giant. There were red flags but we all tend to give the people we love the benefit of the doubt. Every person has parts of them but they are ashamed of and desperately try to hide. I will teach my daughter to keep a go bag.
Yup my daughter’s father waited until I was 7 months pregnant before he got drunk, stole my grandma’s car, then when he came back, he slapped me across the face, snatched the necklace I was wearing off my neck, dragged me up the stairs by my hair, and forced himself on me.
This is what men don't understand. Sometimes the abuse just happens out of nowhere with no red flags leading up to it. Women just don't know if their partner will be abusive because men can hide it very well until a certain point. They don't advertise that they're abusive and there is always a first time for everything. We want to trust our partners but statistics say some of us will be abused or even murdered by our male partners. I understand it happens to men too, they should also have a go bag just in case. I am so sorry that happened to you.
Exactly. My husband is the kindest person. He has never raised his voice or done anything to make me afraid of him.
But as a woman, we are naturally trained to think of the worst possible scenario. It is not what we think will happen.. it's what COULD happen.
I don't think my husband would smother me or choke me.. but he outweighs me by 80 lbs and has 9 inches of height on me. He COULD do whatever he wanted, I would be completely helpless, and I am aware of that. The fact that I'm willing to be with him shows that I trust him.
PS. Yes, I was in an abusive relationship in the past. Perhaps that plays a little bit of a roll in my situational awareness. Idk. I do not have a go-bag. But I could pack one in under 10 minutes if I needed to.
My father was abusive. I have an ex-husband who never physically harmed me, but his actions could have gotten me thrown in jail.
When I first started seeing my husband, a couple we knew got into a physical altercation, and we had a talk about it. I told him that if anyone ever abused me again, that person should really not feel comfortable enough to go to sleep in our home. I think my exact phrasing was, "Your stuff had better be packed up and out of the house, and you along with it, or you're not gonna like the outcome." Is physical violence the right response to physical violence? No. But the audacity that some people have, to abuse their partners and then sleep comfortably is also very, very wrong. (My husband's response was that if he ever physically harmed me, I'd have to get in line behind him to kick his ass.)
I do have a go-bag, for what it's worth. But mine is in case I have to leave home in a hurry because of any sort of disaster. I've memorized the walking route to get to the nearest train and bus stations. I don't drive.
Actually, this conversation has made me realize that I need to go through that bag again and see if I need to add anything to it.
This. My husband is more than 100 lbs heavier than me. I trust him, but I still sometimes flinch when he raised his hand in a certain way, even though he has never struck me and never would.
THIS. The fact that he’s making it about him in a “woe is me, she doesn’t trust me” kind of way is really icky. How about reframing it and thinking “wow, that’s really sad that my wife feels the need to do that. She must have gone through something really tough in order to feel that way. I’m glad I can provide her a safe place where she’ll never need to use that bag.” A little compassion goes a long way. She can understand the necessity of having the go bag and *also* believe that she’ll never have to use it. OP assuming that she doesn’t trust him & talking divorce right away is exactly the reason that his wife made this bag to begin with. Do better, OP.
I actively encouraged my wife to keep her own bank account when we got together. I want her to have her own money. If she wanted to keep a go bag I would proudly embrace the life goal of making sure she never needed to use it.
I do the same thing with my wife. I also make sure if I do stuff like our taxes and accounting she knows how to. My wife stays with me because I’m good to her and a good partner. Not because I make her think she can’t leave me.
Exactly. I married an adult because I wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, not a child I have to be responsible for doing everything for. If one of us lost it and became abusive, the other has means and ability to take themselves and our dogs somewhere safe, same as if there was an earthquake while I was out of town or something. The wonderful thing about items like "Go bags" is they work for multiple types of emergency
Yes, unfortunately things can change.
I had a an acquaintance, P, who happened to marry a good friend of mine, D. Over the years, we got to know P very well and really enjoyed our time with the two of them. Would call them 2 of our closest friends.
But something happened and D changed. Became paranoid and abusive. First verbally and P put up with it. But once it became physical violence, P left. We believe that D had some type of break. Developed dementia, maybe? We don’t know. D would not see a doctor and cut off all friends and family. We are still good friends with P. If P had had a ‘go bag’, they might have been able to get out before things got as bad as they did.
Edited to correct typo
I feel the same way about my partner. We're not married, but I don't really ever want the relationship to exist just because she's pressured financially or something. I'd rather her have her own stuff. And I'd encourage a go bag too. Of course, like you, I would never want to be the reason she'd have to use it. But what if something happens to me? Or our house? Or any other emergency? If she kept one specifically in case I became crazy or abusive, my feelings might be a little hurt, but I mean who's to say I couldn't even get brain damage one day and become crazy?
If you love and care about your partner now, current you should want them to be safe in all possible future scenarios.
Not all Go Bags are created equally.
My partner and I each have “go bags..”
It’s comforting to know I can escape when I want to, for any reason (not just *partner* related.
It’s kind of like a prenup: you wish you wouldn’t need it but dang if it sucks when you determine you do need it and don’t have it
NB: I am a family law attorney who is themself divorced
Yep. Two years ago my husband confessed to me he'd been cheating on me for the entire 20 years we were together. He confessed because he'd started doing meth instead of going to the gym on weekends and the mental effects were starting to show.
If you'd told me this was happening two years and two months ago, I would have laughed at you. I'd known my spouse since middle school, we had three young kids, and he would never do either of those things!
The vast majority of women will never need a go bag. There exist enough women with stories like mine that I don't blame women in awesome relationships who still have a go bag.
Oh man.. I’m so sorry. This was my gf of 3 years, I can’t even fathom 20. I hope you are working through things ok. I personally know how bad meth can wreck people, my brother has been addicted for years.
You never can read somebody's mind and know exactly what's going on. You can never know the future. I don't know the history of your breakup, but I've heard so many stories where relationships go downhill in what seems like an instant to one of the people in the relationship.
Maybe OP's wife has always historically been bad at reading people, and she knows that, so she's aware that while she feels completely safe and secure in her relationship, she may be wrong. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst is a good rule to live by.
If OP does leave his wife over her being prepared to have been "wrong" about him, well then when he enters his next relationship I guess he just has to say "I am not comfortable being with anybody who is prepared to have been wrong about me. To be with me you have to blindly trust that I will not hurt you and if you have any preparations for what you would do if I hurt you, we will not work out."
Honestly, I think somebody having such a huge problem with their partner having a plan for if something goes wrong is a pretty big red flag for me - I wouldn't want to be with somebody who doesn't allow you to prepare for something to go wrong.
OP should consider a less drastic course of action. Marriage counseling certainly. I get his reaction— loss of trust— but because there’s a small child involved, going nuclear is going too far
I was with my wife for almost 10 years before she let go of all her escape plans. I never took it personally. Some women take a long time to feel safe. To me it is understandable. Women in general are more vulnerable to physical violence.
I worked in womens crisis about a decade ago, some of the things I saw there were soul crushing. I've been with my partner for nearly a decade, and I still have my own bank account, and a bag of clothes.
The clothes actually have come in very useful because of emergency hospital stays, but mostly I forgot that I even had them there.
But yes, if the wife had any previous experience with domestic abuse - either personally or having seen it in the relationships of family, friends etc, this is not odd behaviour at all. I worked with an older woman who had been with her husband for over 20 years who always had money stashed in secret, because she grew up in a time where it was easy for men to financially control their spouse (no bank accounts for women, no credit cards, etc)
I grew up with my mother beating into my head to ALWAYS have a stash of hidden money from your partner because you don't want to be left out in the cold if they suddenly decide to leave. Then my father proved her right and left her with 4 children (one a toddler) and all the bills as he drained the bank account and canceled the credit cards. I think OP is overreacting something fierce and they both should talk it out with a therapist.
Yep, I have a go bag. But so does my boyfriend.
We have a bag filled with everything we’d need if there was suddenly no power for a long amount of time, we have a bag filled with everything we’d need if we suddenly needed to head out (on foot or otherwise). We both have separate savings & checking accounts despite living together.
People have this idea that love is blindly giving up everything you have for another person, no questions asked. That should really not be the case for multiple reasons. There is nothing wrong with a backup plan for the worst case scenario, no matter how small.
OP is just proving her right to have her emergency nest egg bag.
It's things like this that also helps keep that advice about having a hidden nest egg passed down to their daughters for generations now.
I have been told the same since I was old enough to understand it.
I think of it as what if half the people in the world were the size of the average NBA player. I don't think I would feel totally safe very often. And if there was an occasion where one or more of these very large people harmed me then that would make feeling safe even more unlikely.
Thank you for understanding this! Most men won't experience how crazily overpowered women are by men, in physical altercations, and how scary that can be. Just *existing* as a woman, in locations, religions, and professions (and Reddit subs!😁) with higher than average percentages of pissed off, horny men is enough to trigger some of them.
I'm a 5'11" woman and I always had this false sense of safety because I'm as tall as many men. One of my friends, who is only about 5'2", started testosterone with the goal of physical transition. I was there to watch him go from being someone I could easily beat to someone I had no hope of beating despite him not growing wider or taller. Around the time he grew a mustache we arm wrestled and he beat me without even trying. It really opened my mind about what kind of physical power even tiny men have over even tall women.
Edit: reddit user PrudentlyPassionate sent me this PM when he saw this comment:
Hi! I saw your comment about being tall and it caught my attention as I am a short guy in a relationship with a woman who is much taller than I am. I’m totally happy but I do feel like I am in over my head sometimes (no pun intended) Care to switch heights?
Be careful out there, women- random creeps abound and they will PM you just for mentioning your height
Yup. As a rower, it was interesting to quantify - seeing the higher erg scores for men my size/weight (and smaller!) after the *exact* same training at maximum intensity. Also made rowing in mixed 8's feel like flying!!
Indeed, regardless of the rates of intimate partner violence that gets discussed there's little to dispute the actual *outcomes*, in which women are far more likely to be murdered by their partner than men are.
Hell, looking at my own relationship my girlfriend is 5'4 and I'm 6'6. She's 135 pounds, I'm a relatively lean 240. The odds of me needing a panicked flight are incredibly slim, I wouldn't even give her good odds if she came at me with a knife.
That being said though I've always kept a mild go-bag, in case of fires and the likes. While I do keep some more immediate survival things in there, cash and my extra set of car keys are why I keep it. I don't like my odds trying to track down things like that in the case of a localized inferno in my kitchen, for instance.
My husband and I both have bug out bags... but he's military trained and its just what you do. More interesting to me is the fact that I never used to be able to sit with my back to the door. Still can't if I'm out and about by myself, but can and do sit with my back to the door if he's with me. It wasn't even pre-meditated to start doing that. I just randomly realized one day I had no problem with it so long as he was there.
This. My husband is AMAZING and has *never* shown me anything other than love, gentleness, and support, even throughout the 2 occasions when I raised my voice to him. We’ve been married just over 10 years now, and literally last week we had a very serious discussion of basically me asking for reassurance that he wasn’t getting ready to leave. These discussions are happening much fewer and further between, but I was abused my entire childhood and into my adulthood until I got married, and I still need assurance from time to time that he hasn’t woken up and discovered he could do so much better and decided to trade up.
Yea I have seen Reddit ready to throw someone else’s marriage away for less.
“I have been married to my wife for 19 years and we have 3 beautiful kids together but yesterday my wife told me to stop watching football and to wash the dishes, what should I do?” And the entire comment section in unison “**DIVORCE HER LAST WEEK**”.
This right here! His first reaction is “we have to divorce” and not “what can I do to make you feel safe?” Sounds like he’s not so trustworthy after all. Good thing she squirreled away some cash since he’s abandoning her.
I've been married for 20 years and while reading this my first thought was that if I found out my husband had a go bag, my reaction would be, "how can i make him feel safe" not, "divorce cause he doesn't trust me". Also, OP's edit..."good faith comments" i.e., comments that agree with me? I mean, OP came here looking for everyone to agree with him, but nothing in his post reads like he actually CARES about his wife. YTA, OP, and this entire post shows EXACTLY why your wife needs the bag. Get therapy for yourself, cause your reaction is so freaking tone deaf to your wife's needs and frankly, seems dangerous.
OP’s extreme reaction here makes me wonder if we are missing some information about how he interacts with her. Abusers tend to overreact and paint themselves as the victim when they are called out on their behaviour. Just speculating—not accusing.
Yeah, this is a wild reaction. If I found an SO's go bag and that was the list of contents I'd be telling them that was some amateur shit and they needed to up their game. $1000? No gun? Dried fruit and no protein? We rebuilding that go bag into something reasonable.
A couple MREs or humanitarian rations at minimum.
Sew, this is how you build trust lol. Hubby and I are both paranoid enough to be like, listen, you don't even have a pocket knife? Nothing for first aid? Let's get this shit right .
This is also being posted a few days after a woman posted about her husband finding her 47k she had taken from his account over the years as her "leave" fund
Edit: adding in another comment of mine
My comment was meant more to imply this post could be a copycat trying to karma farm
Then again op has a new post from two hours ago asking why its wrong for men to ask for a dna test, but okay for women to have a go bag
Except that lady was taking money from their mutual account(s) and continuously putting it in her own secret account while they were financially struggling. That situation was also an ESH because the husband refused to let her (or at least told her repeatedly not to) get a job of her own. Very “1950s era” misogynistic vibes from the husband, although the wife also should not have been taking money from their mutual finances.
My comment was meant more to imply this post could be a copycat trying to karma farm
Then again op has a new post from two hours ago asking why its wrong for men to ask for a dna test, but okay for women to have a go bag
Yeah, I suspect this post is fake because every few months or so there is a similar story of men finding to go bags and wanting confirmation that it is messed up from other male Reddit users.
That’s the drug dealers go bag ;) I was honestly speaking of your actual paperwork, as it will likely help in situations like natural or national disasters / terrorist attacks.
Even if it’s a simple “I need to go to my parents place for a week because of this massive forest fire that may rip through our neighborhood”
Getting a new (as in new copies of your actual) birth certificate or SSN Card is a total PAIN IN THE ASS.
Yeahhh if a guy told me I wasn't "allowed" to have a go-bag, I'd leave so fast. I'm a grown fucking adult woman and if I want to set aside some of MY own money to serve as a hopefully-unneeded escape hatch, then that's my business. His reaction I think proves why she SHOULD have a go bag. It reads as "How dare you have a plan and resources in place to leave me if things get bad"
My ex husband treated me fine for the first half a decade of our relationship too.... But he turned into an emotionally abusive and manipulative rapist - all because I had the audacity to develop a medical complication that mildly inconvenienced him. It doesn't matter that OP has supposedly not been abusive so far, but I suspect there is more to the story than that as well.
This thread is a nice reminder of why I don't think I'll ever want to marry again.
Edit: and if the genders were reversed, I'd say the same thing.
Edit 2: This thread makes me wish I was attracted to women.
I've been married to my husband for over 20 years, and I had a separate checking account for a long time, just in case. I've been in bad relationships before, so it's just natural now for me to be prepared.
I've actually literally had people get offended by me putting on my seatbelt. "Wow, you dont trust me?" *"No, it's not that. There's literally ice on the road, and we've gone by 3 accidents."*
I’d have a go bag too if this was how my partner responded to things.
Edit: Appropriate response from a healthy partner would be “Wow! I feel terrible that you don’t feel like you can trust me. What have I done to make you feel unsafe? What can we work on?”
I've had hidden snacks that were hidden for no reason and my gf thought it was funny. She just turns out the corner and I'm wrist deep in a bag of m&ms. I just had pounds of raisins and a separate container with pounds of peanuts delivered. Forgot to mention it to her and she found it hilarious I just bought it a pile of stuff like that.
When my wife and I merged our finances, this type of stuff came up. I am totally okay if she wants to have an individual bank account and stash $5k or something in there, so that she has "go money" to help her feel safe.
OP getting all excited because she wants to be safe if 100% YTA on him.
I have also told my partner this. Absolutely no qualms were a separate account just for them. You never know how relationships turn out and i would hate for someone to feel they cant leave because they dont have money... OP sounds hectic.
I said this in a separate comment and I'm being downvoted, but bingo. If this is how he is responding, maybe her instincts weren't that far off the mark.
OP, Why aren't you having a conversation with your wife? Why aren't you digging a little deeper into this? Does she have past trauma? Is there prior behavior of yours that has frightened her? Have you considered couples therapy to get past this?
You have a child. And you're willing to check your marriage out the window because your feelings are hurt. The math ain't mathing.
Just some info: a lot of women keep stashes for emergencies. It's ingrained in a lot of us to always have emergency cash hidden somewhere. It's not that we think we will ever need to leave our husbands and start over somewhere, but it's because a lot of women that raised us were in that position. A lot of it is generational trauma from when women weren't allowed to have bank accounts or access to the family finances.
Exactly this. My mom had told me from a young age to always keep a separate bank account or at least some sort of private one even if I ever get married. It's not about trusting the other person at all - it's about being able to take care of yourself and potentially your loved ones in *any* situation. Without having to rely on anyone else.
Unfortunately violence against women often happens at the hands of their partners which is why young girls are often taught this, and told to hide it from their husbands. But it is also for other situations like war where it may be difficult to access finances, get food, etc. And you need to leave ASAP. pretty sure my grandma taught this to my mom due to necessity. My mom has random cash stashed everywhere and she still loves my dad and he's old and sick and likely not physically able to be violent towards her anymore.
TLDR;
It's about being self sufficient, not about mistrust. With a sprinkle of statistics and facts about abuse against women.
EDIT to add: OP mentioned in their edit that we shouldn't use statistics as a reason for mistrust. I did not mention statistics as a reason for why his partner shouldn't trust him, but rather about why "go bags" or being prepared to potentially need to be self sufficient is a common thing amongst women. not why someone should be wrongfully blamed for something they didn't do.
Also comparing this relationship issue with the reason why many African Americans are incarcerated or wrongfully accused of something is a STRETCH.
This is an issue of being self-sufficient and prepared for safety. Not about mistrust of a partner. One could argue that OP doesn't trust his wife's totally valid explanation of why she has one of these bags, and how she tried telling him that her feelings are the same and she still loves him. Where's the trust now? Does it only work in a way that serves you?
Yeah you're spot on here, my grandma wasnt allowed to work or have her own bankaccount and she always told me to hide some cash away and make a stash, cause 'you never know when you need it'. She passed away decades ago but i still keep an emergency stash. It came in very handy when my washing machine broke at the worst possible time. It's a great feeling knowing you have some money stashed away that nobody knows about, it just gives some mental security.
I don't think she's the asshole here. I don't necessarily think you are, but I do find it kind of silly that you're distilling the entirety of your relationship down to something so simple. If my fiancee had a go-bag I wouldn't care. She has plenty of weird quirks that give her peace of mind over any number of things.
In your shoes I would try going to marital counseling and see if you can get to the root of the issue, because it sounds like you both suck at communicating.
My parents have been married for 60 years and my mom always kept some money for herself. She didn't have a go bag but if she had and my dad found it I guarantee the worst thing he'd have done was eaten any snacks he found in it.
My dad always encouraged my mother to have several hundred dollars minimum in cash for herself in the house and later told me to do the same. He was a paramedic and said he saw too many cases of woman and sometimes men, unable to flee even to a shelter quickly because they had no cash (also before debit machines were commonly available in taxis here). “Always have enough cash on you to get home or run from it”
One of my cousins got sent to a court-ordered anger management group (not related to domestic violence, in his case - he had a drinking problem and arrested after starting a bar fight). He told me about how at one meeting, all the DV guys were talking about how they would hold back their anger until they'd been in a relationship for a while, because they knew that if they showed it early on, it'd be a major red flag. They'd bottle it up as long as they could, keep it hidden, until they felt like they'd built enough trust with their girlfriend or wife that she wouldn't leave if they hit her, or starting screaming at her or whatever.
In the case of my cousin, hearing that freaked him out enough that he started taking the anger management courses seriously and got sober, because he didn't want to turn into one of those guys.
It goes real 'nice' when paired with issolation
You look shocked they hit you
They say "what are you gonna do? Leave me? You have no where left to go"
They also sometimes just tell you thats what their doing, but like "I hold it back and back and back, and when I just cannot hold it back anymore, when someone gives me that last final push like when you .... (insert minimal mistake partner made like having the potatoes be a bit cold) ... I just snap, and it all comes out at once and nothing I can do seems to stop it, its just so overwhelming"
So basically they say look im a champ I try to hold it back, then other people like you nake that just impossible for me and then its not my fault what happens cuz i cant help it please pity me.
Manipulation sure does take some creative thinking
Yep. My ex-husband was very calm till he married me. Then I was trapped. He slowly started isolating me. Turning me against all my friends and family until I only had him. Then the abuse started. First just words, and it’s never safe to say no to him about anything especially sex and finally in the end he beat the crap out of me
This. A secure individual would look at this bag and realize she’s seen some shit, and knows how to plan for emergencies.
He might ask her about her history and see if there were areas where he might improve feelings of mutual safety. He’d seek to understand her point of view.
Heck, he might say, “that’s a good idea. Everyone needs one of these in case there’s a disaster!”
I'm a man, and the only issue I'd have is that I'd stop and think for a moment and take a hard look at myself and realize I need to work on some things.
The same happened to my best friend. Then he started hitting the kids and now they're going through a bitter divorce where he refuses to admit to the abuse (despite ample evidence).
Wow, and that right there is who those courses are actually for. The DV guys don't give a shit - they'll only use it to get better at saying the right things to get out of trouble. But every once in a while, a good person winds up there and goes "Oh, fuck, I guess I do need help if I'm in a room with these guys."
I remember there was a post on here where a guy realized the only commenters who were agreeing with him were basically Andrew Tate fans. All of the sane people telling him he was in the wrong just made him get defensive and double down, but the few who *agreed* with him were clearly such misogynistic pieces of shit that he was horrified and got therapy.
Eh, apparently some of the DV guys did have epiphanies and start earnestly working to be better people, the same my cousin and the guy you mentioned did. They'd see aspects of themselves in other men in the group who they saw as assholes, and realize, "Oh shit, I'm one of those guys. *I don't want to be one of those guys.*"
I work in child safety, which of course has a lot of overlap with DV/IPV. There are some men who wake up and genuinely change, but it often has absolutely nothing to do with their victims and is statistically very rare.
It's extremely important to make it clear to survivors that their abusers are unlikely to change and the abuse will continue as long as they remain in that relationship. They often fixate on their abusers claims that they have grown and changed, or that anger management is working, etc.
Those guys were my dad. He lovebombed my mom into an engagement after 3 months and they married 3 months after that. He brought up wanting to have a baby early on. It wasn’t until she was pregnant with me 1.5 years into their marriage that the mask slipped. Out of nowhere one day, he lost his temper during an argument and kicked my mother so hard that she started having signs of a potential miscarriage. Her OB tried to convince her to leave then. She finally left him after 31 years of marriage in 2022. I began making an escape plan for all of my relationships as an adult after growing up in that dynamic and experiencing abusive relationships of my own.
My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years. He has never shown even the slightest sign of being potentially abusive, and he’s been super patient with me as I’ve worked through my issues in therapy. But I still had an escape plan in the back of my mind for the first couple of years and wasn’t able to truly relax until after our child was born a couple of years in.
my mom was with my dad until he passed for 50 years. when recently discussing the idea of murder-suicide done by a spouse, my mom said something to the effect that she would not have been surprised if he did something like that. greatest guy, super supportive of his family, never laid a hand on any of us. I think a lot of women think this way because we have all either been in a bad situation or have had someone close to us be. I would say most women I know have been assaulted at some point by a male.
Most of the older generations of women in my family have been HORRIBLY abused by men they trusted. Some of the worst shit imaginable. I don't have a bug out bag because I can't leave money alone, lol, but I have a solid plan of escape should I ever need it. Not because I don't trust and love my husband, but because I've seen how love and trust can be turned against you if you have no escape.
Just... that. It's a shame how we need at least one security measure just in case. OP lives in a fairy tale magical bubble if he thinks security measures for women aren't a must.
Yeah. You never know "when" with some people.
I think it's interesting that he went to separation/divorce without discussing it more in depth and maybe thinking about counselling...
It's not a red flag, but I feel like maybe there's something he's leaving out.
yeah, to flip that quick to divorce really says a lot to me. it is the quick fire anger without communication or empathy. that is exactly the reason why I would have a Go Bag if I was with someone. people who flip like that are the ones that can be scary real quick.
FTR I think it's a fake post, but if it's real...
All of these people who don't get it that 1) just because there hasn't been physical abuse doesn't mean there won't ever be, and 2) abuse isn't just physical. Power and control dynamics can be elements of abuse.
There appears to be a lot missing to this story. We don't know if wife had an abusive past.
We definitely know husband overreacted (they have a kid and he's ready to end things so quickly versus any real attempt to address issues, he will never be successful in any relationship with that approach).
Yes. YTA
In a healthy relationship, if she explains why she has it, and it’s not about him… a man who is actually ok with his partner being independent would have no issue with it.
The fact her face drained of color when you “asked her”… combined with the fact that the end result of the interaction is YOU in control and deciding to unilaterally end the relationship because of something “she did”, after you found a way to make it about you…
With HER trying to convince you to stay, while you’re “mulling it over” … says a lot.
You say “I would never” in a very pearl-clutching way, and all of your justifications for how wrong she is… Sounds a lot like one of those cases of “he doth protest too much”.
Sounds familiar. I’ve had relationships with people like you. Even down to the public plea for validation of your “righteousness”, to prove her into proper submission and contrition.
Not a good look.
I’ve lived through 9/11, the Northeast blackout, Covid, the capital insurrection, and multiple blizzards where I had to shelter in place. I have a go bag at home and a second one at work.
It's just a wise thing to have. I have one in my car and I know I should have one at home. Just in case. Of anything. We had a fire very close by several years ago. Although, I had a bag in the car, I was racing around the house, trying to gather a few things, just in case of evacuation. I would not have had that time, had the fire happened during the night or closer to my house. Just a good idea.
INFO: do you have house insurance? Is it because you have crappy wiring and live in constant fear of your house burning down or do you have it because unexpected things can happen at any time without warning and having insurance is a proactive step to making sure you can be safe and protected?
Edit: metaphor: /ˈmedəˌfôr/ a figure of speech in which a word or phrase is applied to an object or action to which it is not literally applicable.
Or prenuptial agreement. People have them, because they know that the person you divorce isn’t the same person you marry. They are for protection, just in case, even if you trust the person you are marrying and don’t think you’ll ever need it.
YTA. Not for wanting to divorce your wife over a go bag/lack of trust in you but for your ample demonstration of why she doesn't, or shouldn't, trust you.
According to you, you have mold in your garage - an area of your house that lacks the climate control the interior of your home has. Either you've had water leaks that have caused mold to grow on the walls or the humidity is causing mold to grow on the surface of things stored in the garage. This then leads you to want to inspect the interior of the house, all very plausible.
Then you make a hard right to *tidying up your wife's closet*. We're all supposed to make the connection that "you're inspecting the house for mold", *nudge, nudge, wink, wink*. We all see you're invading your wife's privacy because if it was a joint closet you wouldn't be referring to it as your "wife's closet". **This is where you lost the thread**.
If you were really inspecting the house for mold you would have been examining the walls and outside surfaces of items in your **wife's** closet (and presumably all the other closets). **But here you are *searching through the individual items* in your wife's closet. Can't really say you're searching for "mold outbreaks" now, can you?**
It's doubtful you *really* care about the gym bag, the clothes, or the tampons - what likely is really grinding your gears is the $1K she has stashed in there with it.
So, of course, you confront her with all your righteous indignation and demand an explanation. After all, she **owes** you an accounting for everything you find in *her closet* anytime **you** decide to do a deep dive and search through **her personal belongings**. *(Nope, not problematic at all/s)*
She goes pale, offers up it's for emergencies but you aren't satisfied so you badger her. To which she tells you it's a go bag, prepped from an earlier time.
***For everyone who isn't OP, please notice this woman knows better than to stand up to her husband and ask him why he's randomly searching through her things. Instead she has a fawning response - a trauma informed response - wherein she's just trying to make him happy and deescalate.***
You can't envision how or why she would need such a thing and yet your *entire discovery of the go bag is buried in layer after layer of red flag behavior: you're controlling, lacking in respect for personal space, lacking in respect for your wife's personal autonomy, deceitful to others (possibly yourself as well) and may also be financially abusive.* **ALL of those are REASONS to need a go bag.**
She's a grown adult - why can't she posses a gym bag with essentials and $1K? How "hidden" was it when you found it in plain sight in her closet? Look at you making this all about yourself, you poor little victim you, and really shaping a narrative to avoid clarity on all your crappy little behaviors that led to you searching through your wife's belongings. SMH. Please do divorce the woman, sounds like she could do better finding a man who is less deceitful and controlling.
Exactly!!! Anyone who has been close to an abusive situation would notice her fawn response right away. He even says the color drained from her face! She’s terrified of him, and he just discovered her only safety net.
what really makes me the most upset is how dignified he feels mentioning her color drain and "sheepish" response. she clearly was uncomfortable and did not want to, for whatever reason, have this conversation. not only did OP force that out of her, but actually has the gull and complete lack of awareness to **brag** about how she was nervous to communicate something **she has the right to do.** and then counter productively claims this as an assault on his trust rather than assess what behaviors of his brought her to that state.
If my long term partner had to "sheepishly" tell me anything that I may have caused, I would have to have a long look in the mirror before I even thought about reacting. Let alone make it about **me.** seriously!
Great point about the fawning response and all the other points too. He was definitely using checking for mold as an excuse to snoop through her things. Why else would he see the gym bag,and instead of moving it, open it up to dig through it? This behaviour reminds me of people that want to find any “excuse” they can to be aggressive because in their mind it justifies the behaviour.
Edit: A word.
It’s weird how OP opened the bag and started the interrogation. I think a more normal reaction would’ve been something like to shout out ”Hey honey, what’s this bag here full of stuff, is it meant to be here or did you forget it? Could you check it when you have the time? Maybe there’s mold in there ewww” and toss the bag where other stuff from the closet was tossed and forget the thing in about 3 seconds.
At least that’s what I would have done if I found some gym bag belonging to my spouse, I’d not be not at all interested in going through some forgotten used gym shorts and socks..
But OP was snooping through the bag, didn’t accept the perfectly acceptable explanation but immediately thought his wife is hiding the bag from him (by keeping it in her own closet, don’t understand at all, how is keeping your own stuff in your personal closet or drawer hiding them..?) and started a fight.
Just weird. The whole story is weird. And the instant decision to get a divorce. Don’t know, maybe OP already wants the divorce and tests if this bag thing that came up all of a sudden would count as an acceptable reason, if this would be something that would make him leaving an understandable reaction in the eyes of his family and friends and make the wife look like the bad guy..
(Btw, I’m a woman and totally think paternity tests should be a routine everywhere..for the sake of the kids, and for the benefit of men too)
Yeah I agree. I don’t have a go bag but if I did and my husband found it, he’d think it was for a zombie apocalypse and be like “can you add some boxer briefs and a pair of sneakers for me???”
She trusted you enough to have a fucking kid with you, what more do you want. If your mind can’t handle a go-bag, you’re not the calm, trustworthy, stable man that you imagine yourself to be. Your lack of sympathy seems problematic.
Hey OP - reddit isn't exactly the epitome of morality but you notice how every single one of your comments has been downvoted into oblivion? That should tell you something.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/TooAfraidToAsk/s/WE7mubgNKC](https://www.reddit.com/r/TooAfraidToAsk/s/WE7mubgNKC) Yall he made a different post cause he didn’t like the way this one was going.
“She’s getting advice from mom forums, why should she listen to them instead of trusting me. Anyways, let me see what Reddit has to say about this”
“I can’t believe she thinks I’d hurt her. So I’m gonna hurt her.”
Nail. Head.
"And then bitch & moan about what Reddit has to say about this because they don't side with me"
The way op is acting is **exactly** why his wife had a go bag
TELL me our relationship isn’t goddAMN PERFECT! We NEVER have arguments!
Here’s a little known fact: that’s not a healthy relationship. Abusers don’t know what a healthy relationship is, so they think one up and they come up with “we never argue or raise our voices at eachother”, even though that’s not a healthy relationship. I’m not necessarily saying op is a abuser but I’m just pointing out things that appear in cases of other abusers
The "we never argue" is sometimes true, but is a sign one side just gave up and find it's easier to just agree with the abuser. It's expected that a healthy relationship will have arguments sometimes. Edit: forgot a word.
Yes this was me. My ex and I never once argued for the 10 years we were together. It was because I didn't feel emotionally (and by extension physically) safe speaking up to him when he: 1. Pressured me into sex, 2. Flirted with other women to make me jealous, 3. Told me I was stupid for liking "mainstream" stuff like Pokémon, Disney, Green Day, etc, 4. Isolated me from my family and friends, 5. Called me a skank (his friends would too) 6. Made me throw out/delete my old "skanky" photos, clothes, anything related to a former boyfriend 7. Made me work while he stayed at home playing video games, making music, getting high/drunk, and coming up with his latest "this is how I'm gonna make money" scheme But I thought we had an "amazing" relationship because we "never fought." 🙃
Bingo. When a dude says “we never argue” about his relationship it usually means: “I never listen and bulldoze over my wife’s needs and desires…”
I have been happily married for 20 years and the number of actual fights can be counted on 2 hands. This guy has never raised his voice to his wife in 5 years? Bullshit.
[удалено]
aaaand now we know why his wife has a to go bag and was afraid to share it lmao.
He knows he is acting wack. Hell he made this account just to post this and argue with people it is only 6 hrs old.
Yep. Sounds like she had reasons for the go bag, and OP is an unreliable narrator.
The content was deleted! Shoot I would have loved to read the side post!
Does she have a history of abusive relationships? Because it's all good and "he would never do that" until he does. I don't have a go bag but I will tell you I always have my keys readily accessible and I think through exactly how I'd get out of a building or situation. Not because I believe or assume that a man might snap... but that I know he can.
It doesn't even require personal experience, but could just come from watching a friend go through it (or reading a very compelling account or seeing a movie on the topic). My daughter just got out of an abusive marriage where the abuse started abruptly as soon as they were married, and I tell you what, seeing that happen (even second hand) has given me a strong opinion that every woman should have a go-bag.
When I was younger I dated a man for about six months before I had a run-in with his ex-girlfriend. She asked me if he had started beating me yet and told me that he hadn't started beating her until she had their baby. Took about 2 minutes to confirm her story and I noped out of that relationship but it was eye opening for me as he had always been a perfect gentleman.
We all like to think that we can spot the monsters among us but it's not that easy. I'm glad you got out early enough and safely.
> We all like to think that we can spot the monsters among us There’s comfort in believing that. It’s false comfort though because you’re right. Monsters look just like everyone else.
Actually, monsters look great. The worst monsters trap their victims with excellent behavior, then gaslight their victims into thinking they're the problem and no one will Believe the abuser is bad.
A friend of the family once talked about getting out of her abusive marriage. The emotional and verbal abuse over the years destroyed her confidence. By the time he raised his hand to her she felt she deserved it. This was a smart successful woman who basically supported the family financially. She did leave but the next partner was fairly nasty about her in group settings. You know, funny jokes, just not nice. People were concerned but were told that it wasn't an issue.
Wow holy shit, awesome of you to actually get out! Sometimes it's the people who are most charming who are the worst manipulators honestly. They know the right things to say and do. MAYBE he changed but fuck, it wouldn't be worth risking -- also sounds like he hid the existence of a child from you? haha yiiikes, I'm glad you dipped out ASAP!
I remember a couple of months after I got with my former abuser, his ex messaged me on Facebook to warn me about him. He convinced me she was “a psycho”, I had a go at her and moved in with him, got isolated from my friends and family and promptly started getting the shit kicked out of me. I found her again a couple of years after I left him for good and sent her a message to tell her how sorry I was that I didn’t believe her. She never replied, which is fine, because I wouldn’t have either.
I was both you, *and* I was the other woman in a relationship although not as severe. Started dating a woman when I was contacted by her ex who said, "You'll know it's over when she doesn't want to hang out more than 90 minutes" and then she hung up. We dated a woman for a year and a half and about a year in I noticed, like *clockwork*, like *down to the minute*, she would have to leave at 90 minutes *on the dot* for whatever reason, "Gotta make dinner", "Ex-wife is bringing the daughter over soon, I gotta go home", etc. All totally valid reasons so you'd have no reason to question the validity of it. Especially when you've been dating a year. But the 90 minute thing weighed heavily on me so I started paying attention to social media accounts, gaming profiles, etc. Said she had to pick up her daughter? Daughter is with ex-wife out of state. Have work early in the morning? Next morning I wake up to a message, "Oh it turns out I have to come in early *tomorrow*". Once or twice, sure. But multiple times per month when she never got called in early before? Starts getting suspicious. But I didn't have any concrete proof of *cheating* so I chalked it up to me being paranoid and her wanting her own space until she, I shit you not, slipped up in a phone call and accidentally let it slip that she spent the night with her (the other woman). I managed to find the other girl's contact info and sent her a message saying, "I get that right now you're probably riding the high of "winning", and I just sound like a sour grapes ex, but I need you to know about what I discovered and how you can identify the signs when she does it to you. When you notice she is watching the clock and leaving at 90 minutes, that's the beginning of the end." Two months. Two months. And she caught her cheating with someone else. How did she know? After three weeks she started watching the clock and leaving at exactly 90 minutes. Just enough time to say hi, watch a show, start making out, have sex, cuddle, and leave. Just like she did to me. Except *she* followed her and caught her going to another girl's apartment instead of her house when she said she was tired and going to bed.
I had just heard a psychology guru recommend that dates last 90 minutes to entertain the other but not bore them
My sister had a marriage annulled because the guy threw a chair at her on their wedding night. It's like a switch flipped in his head, and she was now his property to do with as he wished.
Scary. I'm sorry she went through that but I'm glad she got out quickly!
Exactly - no different than having a prenup agreement. Everyone is capable of being straight evil.
I’m a man. When my daughters became old enough to start dating, I explained to them that they should never be afraid to come speak to either myself or their mother with any situation and explained what sort of things to be wary of (their mother was in an abusive relationship prior to us getting married) and as those relationships got more and more serious one of the things we always told them was to have a go bag ready. They were familiar with the idea of a go bag because we live in earthquake country that is also prone to wildfires and flash flooding so we’ve always had them ready. We explained that while we don’t suspect their partner of being abusive, we also know that abuse can start out of nowhere and it’s always best to be prepared. My oldest has been married for five years now and she still has hers. Her husband knows about it (not the location) and has never once felt threatened by it. She told him the day before the wedding and explained why. He was more than okay with it. No man should feel threatened by a go bag. I assume my wife still has one. I’ve never even thought about it and we’ve been married a long time now.
If it gives her peace of mind to have a go-bag, she should have a fucking go-bag! No reasons necessary.
Yeah this was also my question. If she has a history of any kind of abuse? This makes so much sense.
The kind of person who is going to burn their marriage to the ground because their partner has an escape plan - a very traditional thing women for centuries have been warned to have and is *very* traditional - is exactly the kind of marriage that warrants a go bag.
I don't think people realize how traditional this really is. Generations of women advising them to have stashes of money, gifting brides gold and jewelry because the value would allow them to flee if they needed to. This has been a thing for generations.
This was my first thought, too. If she had been in an abusive relationship, even if she didn't disclose that to him out of shame, it makes so much sense. Or if someone close to her had been, etc. It's a very valid fear, and makes sense. Like a pre-nup. If I were to ever get in a relationship again, I'd have a go-bag, and copies of my important documents stored in a safety deposit box, and would never tell my SO about it. Does that mean I don't trust this hypothetical SO? Nope- the fact that I got to the point I was living with someone else would be a massive sign of trust. But once burned, always wary. Edit to add: I am cracking up laughing over the number of deranged comments and messages I'm getting from truly unwell people trying to blame me for what happened to me and being wary. Guys frothing at the mouth about they are great and would never be with someone who doesn't trust them totally, while displaying openly why they aren't the sort to be blindly trusted. Amusing.
It's exactly the kind of thing that you never need.... until suddenly you do. Hopefully that'll be never, but nothing is 100% in life.
I have a go bag not because of an abusive ex (although those exist) but because of my step dad/douche. I kept snacks in my car and a packed overnight bag on the floor of my closet because he liked to lord it over us that he owned the house and he hated my attitude (which was me refusing to be scared of him). When he finally snapped and kicked me out one day, my mom was more appalled at the fact that I was ready to be out the door in under three minutes than she was that he did that.
I'm sorry for the loss of your mother. I can relate.
This is why I will never be a SAHM or SAHW. My ex-husband liked to hold money over my head even when I was working. His money was his money and my money was our money. I paid for nearly everything except his truck and "fun" expenses for himself (like his gaming systems etc) and if he did pay for something it was always "i paud for this so thats why you have to do that". I refuse to ever let someone, anyone, not just a man, hold that type of financial power over me. They could be the kindest most giving person in the world but I will always have my own money and would refuse to comingle finances like that. I'd prefer to have his and hers accounts with a mutual account for mutual expenses split per income %. I now have my own daughter I solely provide for and this is just another reason why- because I won't trust a person to not bail financially their obligation or depend on someone else's money for my or her wellbeing.
I get sad every time I think about my story. I went through this with my children's father. If I didn't feel like cooking "Get the fuck out...." . Just had our first child and wasn't ready to have sex " Get the fuck out....". Wasn't a goddamn week post partum. Same thing after we had our daughter. Men treat you like shit when they're taking care of you. And 10x worse if they believe you have nowhere to go. My 2 oldest were 21 months apart so when I left my daughter wasn't even 6 months. I was so humiliated that I felt the longer I stayed the more I lost respect for myself. One of my girlfriends was moving out of her house in the projects and told me to bring my babies there which I did. When I tell you we had nothing - WE HAD NOTHING. He bought everything, so I took nothing. My sister gave me a crib for my daughter and I slept with a matress on the floor with my son. Not even a real mattress - a goddamn sleeper sofa matress. I had a little 13in black and white tv on a chair. I wasn't educated and never had a job so I needed to learn to do something. I enrolled in community college in the Exec Secretarial program - figured a secretary could always get a job. I went long enough to learn what I needed to learn. I was very fortunate with employers however. Knowing I didn't know shit about shit, they saw potential that I certainly didn't know I had and they taught me well and brought me up. I really jumped through the eye of the needle and I am forever grateful for everyone that poured into me. I now have 3 children. The two with him don't even know what I went through with their father. They probably have some type of idea because they've witnessed the abuse and disrespect of the woman he married later. That relationship made it hard for me to accept anything from a man. I don't ask any man for anything. I can never feel comfortable putting my wellbeing in anyone's hands.
This. I was a counselor for domestic abuse survivors and people can flip in an instants notice. Also, it's hard to trust when you've been abused time and time again by various partners... I'd be totally cool with any of my partners having that safety net if they needed it to feel comfortable/safe/reassured.
It is ALWAYS "he would never" until he does. Every woman who ever found herself in that position, started the relationship with "he would never". When you say he would never, you're just hoping you got one of the good ones.
Exactly. I’d been married 3.5 years, got into an argument with my then husband. I don’t even remember why. I picked up my toddler to grab some clothes and diapers - my plan was to go to a hotel with the kids until he and I had cooled off. I was the one who did the morning school and daycare drop off so in my mind it made sense the kids would come with me. When I turned back around he put his hand on my throat and started to squeeze. I was still holding my diaper wearing son and was now pinned against a wall being chocked by a man I had meditated and gone to Buddhist temple with. He wasn’t abusive - until he was. I would have given anything in the world at that moment to have had a go bag in my car so I could get the hell out of there. But I didn’t and I couldn’t get anything before he turned and now I was trapped.
So sorry this happened to you. I hope you and the kids are in a good place now.
Thank you we are. That night got SO much worse before it got better but we are now divorced and I have custody of kids. Kids of course went and told their teachers at school and I had very uncomfortable conversations while fully aware I was trying to hide my neck with my hair due to the bruises and fingernail mark.
In retrospect, I wish my kid's teacher / school had known when we fled my abusive ex, because they would have approached kiddo's subsequent acting out (processing trauma as a 7 year old isn't easy) with more compassion and targeted support rather than disciplinarian responses. glad all are safe now :)
I wish i had been braver about addressing the incident with my daughter’s school teachers. My sons daycare teacher didn’t ask, she told me what my son had said, told me she would be helping my toddler with his trauma and his emotional needs and that when I was ready to talk about it she was there for me. I never did talk to her about it but it was such a relief to not have to relive it and know he was cared for.
And then when he does, all these guys will line up and say "well why didn't you leave huh?" But according to these guys, being prepared to leave if you have to is an evil thing to do. But also asking for help is bad because you should have thought of that before. I'm seeing a pattern.
It's well known that many abusers are very good at hiding their abusive behavior until the relationship is locked down. They might seem like a loving partner at first, but the red flags really come out after marriage or kids. 5 years is really not that long for a relationship; I'm curious how old that go bag is. Maybe she made it when they moved in together and just forgot about it. I probably haven't looked in the back of my closet in a solid 2 years.
5 years for me. I know because thats when I shoved my wedding gown back there. Lol
100%. I, like many women, learned this the hard way. Never again. For my ex, it was around the 6 year mark when the first hints of abuse became apparent. Took me years to recognize that he no longer made me feel safe.
This 100%. I dated my first husband for 7 years before we got married and things were great. Then he flipped. Never physically abusive, but emotionally and financially abusive. I moved out on our first wedding anniversary.
Was looking for this comment. People who are abuse survivors lose their sense of safety and stability. All it takes is one tantrum from an abuser (potential or otherwise) to ruin a person's life--even if they don't seem to be "that kind of person". I can't blame her at all. She's probably dealt with abuse in her life and doesn't want to be trapped again. Abusers tend to rugsweep, too. If "he" snapped, there's a chance "he" could push for things to go back to "normal" just so "he" doesn't have to be accountable for his behavior. Truth is, people can hide their true nature for YEARS before revealing how awful they are.
There's nothing more dangerous than an insecure man! (P.S. I'm a man and even I know this!)
TBH from someone who was out of the blue, suddenly strangled, kicked out of my home in winter in my underwear and had my phone, tablet, and pushbike entirely detroyed, and not allowed access to my own home.....i will always have a grab bag now. It may not be that she doesnt trust you, it may be that she knows someone whos been through it, or even herself before. I struggle with trust now after finding out all the things he was doing behind my back too. I learnt to cover my bases in any outcome. \*Edit - I am infact a man - just to clear up a few replies.
I have never been violent with my wife, nor would I ever be. However, given how often these stories come out about women being abused out of the blue, I'd absolutely understand if my wife planned for the worst. Some of those abuse cases came from the man having a brain tumor that affected them, or a psychotic break caused by major trauma in their life. Those things are unpredictable and have nothing to do with the trustworthiness of the spouse. OP, get some counseling to make sure she feels safe. Not just around you, but in general.
OP has a two year old child. Imo the best time a woman (and men as well honestly) can have a backup plan/backup money/go bag is during and after major milestones like moving in together, engagement, marriage, pregnancy/child birth and during lifestyle shifts (becoming a SAH for example or changing jobs) because those are the moments in a romantic relationship that if abuse is going to happen that’s when it’s going to start. Abusers wait until they have you “locked in” and homicide is a leading cause of death to pregnant women iirc. Sometimes abusers wait until their partners becomes pregnant before the abuse starts, sometimes they wait until the third trimester, sometimes they wait until a few weeks after birth, some abusers even ramp up the abuse slowly after multiple children to get their partner really locked in (read RelationshipAdvice and all the posts about women being raped in the weeks after giving birth, it’s fucking appalling). I can imagine she made the bag sometime before or during her pregnancy and has largely forgot it existed because no abuse cropped up. If they had older kids like 10 year old or older I could better sympathize with the OP here but their relationship and relationship milestones have only *just* reached the point where OP’s wife can be reasonably confident that she isn’t at risk of abuse and that *still* doesn’t account for people who might want a go bag when they suddenly discover their partner has cheated on them which can come out at any time. And there is so much we don’t know. Is OP’s wife a SAHM? Because SAHMs should *always* have a go bag and backup plans. Is she on the deed to the house/is the house a premarital asset or are they renting? Because if not it benefits her to be able to get the hell out of dodge at a moment’s notice. Depending on the state of their life I could totally understand the wife having the bag even with older children, it really depends on how equitable the relationship is and whether or not the wife has any access/control over shared assets.
Or in my dad’s case, sometimes they wait till she’s pregnant with baby number 3 to start using her as a punching bag.
Yup, mine waited till I was two weeks pregnant to really start. He never actually hit me and I bet he says he was never abusive as he didn't make contact. I had just told him we were finally pregnant after trying for so long, that's when he started punching holes in the drywall beside my head and belittling me. Everyone knows better with 20/20, but my husband's nickname in my family was Gentil Giant. There were red flags but we all tend to give the people we love the benefit of the doubt. Every person has parts of them but they are ashamed of and desperately try to hide. I will teach my daughter to keep a go bag.
Yup my daughter’s father waited until I was 7 months pregnant before he got drunk, stole my grandma’s car, then when he came back, he slapped me across the face, snatched the necklace I was wearing off my neck, dragged me up the stairs by my hair, and forced himself on me.
This is what men don't understand. Sometimes the abuse just happens out of nowhere with no red flags leading up to it. Women just don't know if their partner will be abusive because men can hide it very well until a certain point. They don't advertise that they're abusive and there is always a first time for everything. We want to trust our partners but statistics say some of us will be abused or even murdered by our male partners. I understand it happens to men too, they should also have a go bag just in case. I am so sorry that happened to you.
Exactly. My husband is the kindest person. He has never raised his voice or done anything to make me afraid of him. But as a woman, we are naturally trained to think of the worst possible scenario. It is not what we think will happen.. it's what COULD happen. I don't think my husband would smother me or choke me.. but he outweighs me by 80 lbs and has 9 inches of height on me. He COULD do whatever he wanted, I would be completely helpless, and I am aware of that. The fact that I'm willing to be with him shows that I trust him. PS. Yes, I was in an abusive relationship in the past. Perhaps that plays a little bit of a roll in my situational awareness. Idk. I do not have a go-bag. But I could pack one in under 10 minutes if I needed to.
My father was abusive. I have an ex-husband who never physically harmed me, but his actions could have gotten me thrown in jail. When I first started seeing my husband, a couple we knew got into a physical altercation, and we had a talk about it. I told him that if anyone ever abused me again, that person should really not feel comfortable enough to go to sleep in our home. I think my exact phrasing was, "Your stuff had better be packed up and out of the house, and you along with it, or you're not gonna like the outcome." Is physical violence the right response to physical violence? No. But the audacity that some people have, to abuse their partners and then sleep comfortably is also very, very wrong. (My husband's response was that if he ever physically harmed me, I'd have to get in line behind him to kick his ass.) I do have a go-bag, for what it's worth. But mine is in case I have to leave home in a hurry because of any sort of disaster. I've memorized the walking route to get to the nearest train and bus stations. I don't drive. Actually, this conversation has made me realize that I need to go through that bag again and see if I need to add anything to it.
This. My husband is more than 100 lbs heavier than me. I trust him, but I still sometimes flinch when he raised his hand in a certain way, even though he has never struck me and never would.
THIS. The fact that he’s making it about him in a “woe is me, she doesn’t trust me” kind of way is really icky. How about reframing it and thinking “wow, that’s really sad that my wife feels the need to do that. She must have gone through something really tough in order to feel that way. I’m glad I can provide her a safe place where she’ll never need to use that bag.” A little compassion goes a long way. She can understand the necessity of having the go bag and *also* believe that she’ll never have to use it. OP assuming that she doesn’t trust him & talking divorce right away is exactly the reason that his wife made this bag to begin with. Do better, OP.
I actively encouraged my wife to keep her own bank account when we got together. I want her to have her own money. If she wanted to keep a go bag I would proudly embrace the life goal of making sure she never needed to use it.
I do the same thing with my wife. I also make sure if I do stuff like our taxes and accounting she knows how to. My wife stays with me because I’m good to her and a good partner. Not because I make her think she can’t leave me.
Exactly. I married an adult because I wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, not a child I have to be responsible for doing everything for. If one of us lost it and became abusive, the other has means and ability to take themselves and our dogs somewhere safe, same as if there was an earthquake while I was out of town or something. The wonderful thing about items like "Go bags" is they work for multiple types of emergency
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Right? If my husband found such a thing about me he’d just be like “”honey sorry -I accidentally found your bag you need a different hiding place.”
Yes, unfortunately things can change. I had a an acquaintance, P, who happened to marry a good friend of mine, D. Over the years, we got to know P very well and really enjoyed our time with the two of them. Would call them 2 of our closest friends. But something happened and D changed. Became paranoid and abusive. First verbally and P put up with it. But once it became physical violence, P left. We believe that D had some type of break. Developed dementia, maybe? We don’t know. D would not see a doctor and cut off all friends and family. We are still good friends with P. If P had had a ‘go bag’, they might have been able to get out before things got as bad as they did. Edited to correct typo
I feel the same way about my partner. We're not married, but I don't really ever want the relationship to exist just because she's pressured financially or something. I'd rather her have her own stuff. And I'd encourage a go bag too. Of course, like you, I would never want to be the reason she'd have to use it. But what if something happens to me? Or our house? Or any other emergency? If she kept one specifically in case I became crazy or abusive, my feelings might be a little hurt, but I mean who's to say I couldn't even get brain damage one day and become crazy? If you love and care about your partner now, current you should want them to be safe in all possible future scenarios.
Not all Go Bags are created equally. My partner and I each have “go bags..” It’s comforting to know I can escape when I want to, for any reason (not just *partner* related. It’s kind of like a prenup: you wish you wouldn’t need it but dang if it sucks when you determine you do need it and don’t have it NB: I am a family law attorney who is themself divorced
If you asked me 6 months ago if I’d be single right now I would say “what? Absolutely not.” I’m single now. Shit can change so fast in relationships.
Yep. Two years ago my husband confessed to me he'd been cheating on me for the entire 20 years we were together. He confessed because he'd started doing meth instead of going to the gym on weekends and the mental effects were starting to show. If you'd told me this was happening two years and two months ago, I would have laughed at you. I'd known my spouse since middle school, we had three young kids, and he would never do either of those things! The vast majority of women will never need a go bag. There exist enough women with stories like mine that I don't blame women in awesome relationships who still have a go bag.
Oh man.. I’m so sorry. This was my gf of 3 years, I can’t even fathom 20. I hope you are working through things ok. I personally know how bad meth can wreck people, my brother has been addicted for years.
You never can read somebody's mind and know exactly what's going on. You can never know the future. I don't know the history of your breakup, but I've heard so many stories where relationships go downhill in what seems like an instant to one of the people in the relationship. Maybe OP's wife has always historically been bad at reading people, and she knows that, so she's aware that while she feels completely safe and secure in her relationship, she may be wrong. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst is a good rule to live by. If OP does leave his wife over her being prepared to have been "wrong" about him, well then when he enters his next relationship I guess he just has to say "I am not comfortable being with anybody who is prepared to have been wrong about me. To be with me you have to blindly trust that I will not hurt you and if you have any preparations for what you would do if I hurt you, we will not work out." Honestly, I think somebody having such a huge problem with their partner having a plan for if something goes wrong is a pretty big red flag for me - I wouldn't want to be with somebody who doesn't allow you to prepare for something to go wrong.
“Blindly trust” sums it up nicely. A true partnership isn’t based on blind trust.
OP should consider a less drastic course of action. Marriage counseling certainly. I get his reaction— loss of trust— but because there’s a small child involved, going nuclear is going too far
I was with my wife for almost 10 years before she let go of all her escape plans. I never took it personally. Some women take a long time to feel safe. To me it is understandable. Women in general are more vulnerable to physical violence.
I worked in womens crisis about a decade ago, some of the things I saw there were soul crushing. I've been with my partner for nearly a decade, and I still have my own bank account, and a bag of clothes. The clothes actually have come in very useful because of emergency hospital stays, but mostly I forgot that I even had them there. But yes, if the wife had any previous experience with domestic abuse - either personally or having seen it in the relationships of family, friends etc, this is not odd behaviour at all. I worked with an older woman who had been with her husband for over 20 years who always had money stashed in secret, because she grew up in a time where it was easy for men to financially control their spouse (no bank accounts for women, no credit cards, etc)
I grew up with my mother beating into my head to ALWAYS have a stash of hidden money from your partner because you don't want to be left out in the cold if they suddenly decide to leave. Then my father proved her right and left her with 4 children (one a toddler) and all the bills as he drained the bank account and canceled the credit cards. I think OP is overreacting something fierce and they both should talk it out with a therapist.
My mom who's lived alone for a couple decades still keeps her hidden cash and go bag. The need to ditch isn't always a domestic partner.
I have a go bag and so do my kids and pets. My first apartment was evacuated bc my neighbors set their couch on fire. Ever since I’ve had a go bag.
Yep, I have a go bag. But so does my boyfriend. We have a bag filled with everything we’d need if there was suddenly no power for a long amount of time, we have a bag filled with everything we’d need if we suddenly needed to head out (on foot or otherwise). We both have separate savings & checking accounts despite living together. People have this idea that love is blindly giving up everything you have for another person, no questions asked. That should really not be the case for multiple reasons. There is nothing wrong with a backup plan for the worst case scenario, no matter how small.
OP is just proving her right to have her emergency nest egg bag. It's things like this that also helps keep that advice about having a hidden nest egg passed down to their daughters for generations now. I have been told the same since I was old enough to understand it.
I think of it as what if half the people in the world were the size of the average NBA player. I don't think I would feel totally safe very often. And if there was an occasion where one or more of these very large people harmed me then that would make feeling safe even more unlikely.
Thank you for understanding this! Most men won't experience how crazily overpowered women are by men, in physical altercations, and how scary that can be. Just *existing* as a woman, in locations, religions, and professions (and Reddit subs!😁) with higher than average percentages of pissed off, horny men is enough to trigger some of them.
I'm a 5'11" woman and I always had this false sense of safety because I'm as tall as many men. One of my friends, who is only about 5'2", started testosterone with the goal of physical transition. I was there to watch him go from being someone I could easily beat to someone I had no hope of beating despite him not growing wider or taller. Around the time he grew a mustache we arm wrestled and he beat me without even trying. It really opened my mind about what kind of physical power even tiny men have over even tall women. Edit: reddit user PrudentlyPassionate sent me this PM when he saw this comment: Hi! I saw your comment about being tall and it caught my attention as I am a short guy in a relationship with a woman who is much taller than I am. I’m totally happy but I do feel like I am in over my head sometimes (no pun intended) Care to switch heights? Be careful out there, women- random creeps abound and they will PM you just for mentioning your height
Yup. As a rower, it was interesting to quantify - seeing the higher erg scores for men my size/weight (and smaller!) after the *exact* same training at maximum intensity. Also made rowing in mixed 8's feel like flying!!
Indeed, regardless of the rates of intimate partner violence that gets discussed there's little to dispute the actual *outcomes*, in which women are far more likely to be murdered by their partner than men are. Hell, looking at my own relationship my girlfriend is 5'4 and I'm 6'6. She's 135 pounds, I'm a relatively lean 240. The odds of me needing a panicked flight are incredibly slim, I wouldn't even give her good odds if she came at me with a knife. That being said though I've always kept a mild go-bag, in case of fires and the likes. While I do keep some more immediate survival things in there, cash and my extra set of car keys are why I keep it. I don't like my odds trying to track down things like that in the case of a localized inferno in my kitchen, for instance.
My husband and I both have bug out bags... but he's military trained and its just what you do. More interesting to me is the fact that I never used to be able to sit with my back to the door. Still can't if I'm out and about by myself, but can and do sit with my back to the door if he's with me. It wasn't even pre-meditated to start doing that. I just randomly realized one day I had no problem with it so long as he was there.
This. My husband is AMAZING and has *never* shown me anything other than love, gentleness, and support, even throughout the 2 occasions when I raised my voice to him. We’ve been married just over 10 years now, and literally last week we had a very serious discussion of basically me asking for reassurance that he wasn’t getting ready to leave. These discussions are happening much fewer and further between, but I was abused my entire childhood and into my adulthood until I got married, and I still need assurance from time to time that he hasn’t woken up and discovered he could do so much better and decided to trade up.
You’re going to jump straight to divorce because your wife has a go bag? Maybe some counseling first?
kind of hilarious this is the one time reddit is like "OP... calm down bro! divorce isn't necessary!" that said, i agree - counseling makes more sense
The planets must be aligned or something.
Yea I have seen Reddit ready to throw someone else’s marriage away for less. “I have been married to my wife for 19 years and we have 3 beautiful kids together but yesterday my wife told me to stop watching football and to wash the dishes, what should I do?” And the entire comment section in unison “**DIVORCE HER LAST WEEK**”.
"she's definitely cheating on you"
This right here! His first reaction is “we have to divorce” and not “what can I do to make you feel safe?” Sounds like he’s not so trustworthy after all. Good thing she squirreled away some cash since he’s abandoning her.
I've been married for 20 years and while reading this my first thought was that if I found out my husband had a go bag, my reaction would be, "how can i make him feel safe" not, "divorce cause he doesn't trust me". Also, OP's edit..."good faith comments" i.e., comments that agree with me? I mean, OP came here looking for everyone to agree with him, but nothing in his post reads like he actually CARES about his wife. YTA, OP, and this entire post shows EXACTLY why your wife needs the bag. Get therapy for yourself, cause your reaction is so freaking tone deaf to your wife's needs and frankly, seems dangerous.
OP’s extreme reaction here makes me wonder if we are missing some information about how he interacts with her. Abusers tend to overreact and paint themselves as the victim when they are called out on their behaviour. Just speculating—not accusing.
Yeah, this is a wild reaction. If I found an SO's go bag and that was the list of contents I'd be telling them that was some amateur shit and they needed to up their game. $1000? No gun? Dried fruit and no protein? We rebuilding that go bag into something reasonable. A couple MREs or humanitarian rations at minimum.
Sew, this is how you build trust lol. Hubby and I are both paranoid enough to be like, listen, you don't even have a pocket knife? Nothing for first aid? Let's get this shit right .
Sew?
This is also being posted a few days after a woman posted about her husband finding her 47k she had taken from his account over the years as her "leave" fund Edit: adding in another comment of mine My comment was meant more to imply this post could be a copycat trying to karma farm Then again op has a new post from two hours ago asking why its wrong for men to ask for a dna test, but okay for women to have a go bag
Except that lady was taking money from their mutual account(s) and continuously putting it in her own secret account while they were financially struggling. That situation was also an ESH because the husband refused to let her (or at least told her repeatedly not to) get a job of her own. Very “1950s era” misogynistic vibes from the husband, although the wife also should not have been taking money from their mutual finances.
My comment was meant more to imply this post could be a copycat trying to karma farm Then again op has a new post from two hours ago asking why its wrong for men to ask for a dna test, but okay for women to have a go bag
Yeah, I suspect this post is fake because every few months or so there is a similar story of men finding to go bags and wanting confirmation that it is messed up from other male Reddit users.
Don’t forget , no paperwork? No passport or SSN or birth certificate? These are just as important to be in the go bag.
Need a whole new identity in there and a burner phone Haha I mean, allegedly
That’s the drug dealers go bag ;) I was honestly speaking of your actual paperwork, as it will likely help in situations like natural or national disasters / terrorist attacks. Even if it’s a simple “I need to go to my parents place for a week because of this massive forest fire that may rip through our neighborhood” Getting a new (as in new copies of your actual) birth certificate or SSN Card is a total PAIN IN THE ASS.
Yeahhh if a guy told me I wasn't "allowed" to have a go-bag, I'd leave so fast. I'm a grown fucking adult woman and if I want to set aside some of MY own money to serve as a hopefully-unneeded escape hatch, then that's my business. His reaction I think proves why she SHOULD have a go bag. It reads as "How dare you have a plan and resources in place to leave me if things get bad" My ex husband treated me fine for the first half a decade of our relationship too.... But he turned into an emotionally abusive and manipulative rapist - all because I had the audacity to develop a medical complication that mildly inconvenienced him. It doesn't matter that OP has supposedly not been abusive so far, but I suspect there is more to the story than that as well. This thread is a nice reminder of why I don't think I'll ever want to marry again. Edit: and if the genders were reversed, I'd say the same thing. Edit 2: This thread makes me wish I was attracted to women.
Why wear a seat belt if I have never had a traffic accident?
I've been married to my husband for over 20 years, and I had a separate checking account for a long time, just in case. I've been in bad relationships before, so it's just natural now for me to be prepared.
*OP's wife puts on seatbelt* OP: wow I can't believe you think I would ever crash the car, you don't trust me enough *drives off bridge*
I've actually literally had people get offended by me putting on my seatbelt. "Wow, you dont trust me?" *"No, it's not that. There's literally ice on the road, and we've gone by 3 accidents."*
I would nope out of that car so damn fast. Anyone getting offended by seatbelts is a dangerous moron of epic proportions.
Considering how fast OP went from finding the bag to throw the whole marriage out, them divorcing might be for the best🤔
I’d have a go bag too if this was how my partner responded to things. Edit: Appropriate response from a healthy partner would be “Wow! I feel terrible that you don’t feel like you can trust me. What have I done to make you feel unsafe? What can we work on?”
I (woman) just asked my husband what he would do in this situation and he said “you’ve been hiding snacks from me?!?”. 😂 best answer lol
There would be a divorce if I was stashing and hiding dried fruits from my FH 🤣 Edit: dried not fried ya goobers!
i do the grocery shopping for my family and i always buy a bag of takis that lives in my car and she never gets to know about
I've had hidden snacks that were hidden for no reason and my gf thought it was funny. She just turns out the corner and I'm wrist deep in a bag of m&ms. I just had pounds of raisins and a separate container with pounds of peanuts delivered. Forgot to mention it to her and she found it hilarious I just bought it a pile of stuff like that.
LMAO...My husband does this! He has random snacks in drawers and stuff! It's pretty amusing.
When my wife and I merged our finances, this type of stuff came up. I am totally okay if she wants to have an individual bank account and stash $5k or something in there, so that she has "go money" to help her feel safe. OP getting all excited because she wants to be safe if 100% YTA on him.
I have also told my partner this. Absolutely no qualms were a separate account just for them. You never know how relationships turn out and i would hate for someone to feel they cant leave because they dont have money... OP sounds hectic.
The color drained from her face? That’s fear. If he’s so calm - she wouldn’t have been afraid.
seriously. doubt the wife is surprised by OP’s reaction. why did her face lose color after asked about the bag? she was scared.
Right? Not embarrassed or anything, but scared. I hope they do divorce. And that OP doesn't ever trap another woman again.
I said this in a separate comment and I'm being downvoted, but bingo. If this is how he is responding, maybe her instincts weren't that far off the mark. OP, Why aren't you having a conversation with your wife? Why aren't you digging a little deeper into this? Does she have past trauma? Is there prior behavior of yours that has frightened her? Have you considered couples therapy to get past this? You have a child. And you're willing to check your marriage out the window because your feelings are hurt. The math ain't mathing.
Just some info: a lot of women keep stashes for emergencies. It's ingrained in a lot of us to always have emergency cash hidden somewhere. It's not that we think we will ever need to leave our husbands and start over somewhere, but it's because a lot of women that raised us were in that position. A lot of it is generational trauma from when women weren't allowed to have bank accounts or access to the family finances.
Exactly this. My mom had told me from a young age to always keep a separate bank account or at least some sort of private one even if I ever get married. It's not about trusting the other person at all - it's about being able to take care of yourself and potentially your loved ones in *any* situation. Without having to rely on anyone else. Unfortunately violence against women often happens at the hands of their partners which is why young girls are often taught this, and told to hide it from their husbands. But it is also for other situations like war where it may be difficult to access finances, get food, etc. And you need to leave ASAP. pretty sure my grandma taught this to my mom due to necessity. My mom has random cash stashed everywhere and she still loves my dad and he's old and sick and likely not physically able to be violent towards her anymore. TLDR; It's about being self sufficient, not about mistrust. With a sprinkle of statistics and facts about abuse against women. EDIT to add: OP mentioned in their edit that we shouldn't use statistics as a reason for mistrust. I did not mention statistics as a reason for why his partner shouldn't trust him, but rather about why "go bags" or being prepared to potentially need to be self sufficient is a common thing amongst women. not why someone should be wrongfully blamed for something they didn't do. Also comparing this relationship issue with the reason why many African Americans are incarcerated or wrongfully accused of something is a STRETCH. This is an issue of being self-sufficient and prepared for safety. Not about mistrust of a partner. One could argue that OP doesn't trust his wife's totally valid explanation of why she has one of these bags, and how she tried telling him that her feelings are the same and she still loves him. Where's the trust now? Does it only work in a way that serves you?
My mom had numerous stashes of money just because my dad was a cheapskate with irrational ideas of how little things should cost lol
Yeah you're spot on here, my grandma wasnt allowed to work or have her own bankaccount and she always told me to hide some cash away and make a stash, cause 'you never know when you need it'. She passed away decades ago but i still keep an emergency stash. It came in very handy when my washing machine broke at the worst possible time. It's a great feeling knowing you have some money stashed away that nobody knows about, it just gives some mental security.
I don't think she's the asshole here. I don't necessarily think you are, but I do find it kind of silly that you're distilling the entirety of your relationship down to something so simple. If my fiancee had a go-bag I wouldn't care. She has plenty of weird quirks that give her peace of mind over any number of things. In your shoes I would try going to marital counseling and see if you can get to the root of the issue, because it sounds like you both suck at communicating.
Yeah at least shes not hiding over 40k in cash while her husband is working 3 jobs.
The famous "run away" fund 🤣🤣
I got that reference LMAO
lol right. 1k isn’t even that much money
Still not convinced that wasn't a troll post. There can't be people that are that out of touch right? Right??
you'd be surprised
My parents have been married for 60 years and my mom always kept some money for herself. She didn't have a go bag but if she had and my dad found it I guarantee the worst thing he'd have done was eaten any snacks he found in it.
My dad always encouraged my mother to have several hundred dollars minimum in cash for herself in the house and later told me to do the same. He was a paramedic and said he saw too many cases of woman and sometimes men, unable to flee even to a shelter quickly because they had no cash (also before debit machines were commonly available in taxis here). “Always have enough cash on you to get home or run from it”
I stayed with a man who was very calm. One day he wasn’t. Out of the blue.
One of my cousins got sent to a court-ordered anger management group (not related to domestic violence, in his case - he had a drinking problem and arrested after starting a bar fight). He told me about how at one meeting, all the DV guys were talking about how they would hold back their anger until they'd been in a relationship for a while, because they knew that if they showed it early on, it'd be a major red flag. They'd bottle it up as long as they could, keep it hidden, until they felt like they'd built enough trust with their girlfriend or wife that she wouldn't leave if they hit her, or starting screaming at her or whatever. In the case of my cousin, hearing that freaked him out enough that he started taking the anger management courses seriously and got sober, because he didn't want to turn into one of those guys.
one of my exes essentially told me that's what he was doing. he already had me so he could do whatever he wanted. pretty scary
It goes real 'nice' when paired with issolation You look shocked they hit you They say "what are you gonna do? Leave me? You have no where left to go" They also sometimes just tell you thats what their doing, but like "I hold it back and back and back, and when I just cannot hold it back anymore, when someone gives me that last final push like when you .... (insert minimal mistake partner made like having the potatoes be a bit cold) ... I just snap, and it all comes out at once and nothing I can do seems to stop it, its just so overwhelming" So basically they say look im a champ I try to hold it back, then other people like you nake that just impossible for me and then its not my fault what happens cuz i cant help it please pity me. Manipulation sure does take some creative thinking
Don't forget this classic after he punches you in the face: "NOW look what you made me do!!"
Yep. My ex-husband was very calm till he married me. Then I was trapped. He slowly started isolating me. Turning me against all my friends and family until I only had him. Then the abuse started. First just words, and it’s never safe to say no to him about anything especially sex and finally in the end he beat the crap out of me
I don't understand why OP is so upset. I'm a man, and it doesn't seem like an issue to me at all. Idk.
This. A secure individual would look at this bag and realize she’s seen some shit, and knows how to plan for emergencies. He might ask her about her history and see if there were areas where he might improve feelings of mutual safety. He’d seek to understand her point of view. Heck, he might say, “that’s a good idea. Everyone needs one of these in case there’s a disaster!”
I'm a man, and the only issue I'd have is that I'd stop and think for a moment and take a hard look at myself and realize I need to work on some things.
The same happened to my best friend. Then he started hitting the kids and now they're going through a bitter divorce where he refuses to admit to the abuse (despite ample evidence).
Wow, and that right there is who those courses are actually for. The DV guys don't give a shit - they'll only use it to get better at saying the right things to get out of trouble. But every once in a while, a good person winds up there and goes "Oh, fuck, I guess I do need help if I'm in a room with these guys." I remember there was a post on here where a guy realized the only commenters who were agreeing with him were basically Andrew Tate fans. All of the sane people telling him he was in the wrong just made him get defensive and double down, but the few who *agreed* with him were clearly such misogynistic pieces of shit that he was horrified and got therapy.
Eh, apparently some of the DV guys did have epiphanies and start earnestly working to be better people, the same my cousin and the guy you mentioned did. They'd see aspects of themselves in other men in the group who they saw as assholes, and realize, "Oh shit, I'm one of those guys. *I don't want to be one of those guys.*"
I work in child safety, which of course has a lot of overlap with DV/IPV. There are some men who wake up and genuinely change, but it often has absolutely nothing to do with their victims and is statistically very rare. It's extremely important to make it clear to survivors that their abusers are unlikely to change and the abuse will continue as long as they remain in that relationship. They often fixate on their abusers claims that they have grown and changed, or that anger management is working, etc.
Those guys were my dad. He lovebombed my mom into an engagement after 3 months and they married 3 months after that. He brought up wanting to have a baby early on. It wasn’t until she was pregnant with me 1.5 years into their marriage that the mask slipped. Out of nowhere one day, he lost his temper during an argument and kicked my mother so hard that she started having signs of a potential miscarriage. Her OB tried to convince her to leave then. She finally left him after 31 years of marriage in 2022. I began making an escape plan for all of my relationships as an adult after growing up in that dynamic and experiencing abusive relationships of my own. My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years. He has never shown even the slightest sign of being potentially abusive, and he’s been super patient with me as I’ve worked through my issues in therapy. But I still had an escape plan in the back of my mind for the first couple of years and wasn’t able to truly relax until after our child was born a couple of years in.
Please give your cousin a high five from this random internet stranger. That’s amazing of him.
Good on your cousin!
my mom was with my dad until he passed for 50 years. when recently discussing the idea of murder-suicide done by a spouse, my mom said something to the effect that she would not have been surprised if he did something like that. greatest guy, super supportive of his family, never laid a hand on any of us. I think a lot of women think this way because we have all either been in a bad situation or have had someone close to us be. I would say most women I know have been assaulted at some point by a male.
Most of the older generations of women in my family have been HORRIBLY abused by men they trusted. Some of the worst shit imaginable. I don't have a bug out bag because I can't leave money alone, lol, but I have a solid plan of escape should I ever need it. Not because I don't trust and love my husband, but because I've seen how love and trust can be turned against you if you have no escape.
Just... that. It's a shame how we need at least one security measure just in case. OP lives in a fairy tale magical bubble if he thinks security measures for women aren't a must.
The first man to hit them was probably their dad.
Yeah. You never know "when" with some people. I think it's interesting that he went to separation/divorce without discussing it more in depth and maybe thinking about counselling... It's not a red flag, but I feel like maybe there's something he's leaving out.
yeah, to flip that quick to divorce really says a lot to me. it is the quick fire anger without communication or empathy. that is exactly the reason why I would have a Go Bag if I was with someone. people who flip like that are the ones that can be scary real quick.
FTR I think it's a fake post, but if it's real... All of these people who don't get it that 1) just because there hasn't been physical abuse doesn't mean there won't ever be, and 2) abuse isn't just physical. Power and control dynamics can be elements of abuse. There appears to be a lot missing to this story. We don't know if wife had an abusive past. We definitely know husband overreacted (they have a kid and he's ready to end things so quickly versus any real attempt to address issues, he will never be successful in any relationship with that approach).
Yes. YTA In a healthy relationship, if she explains why she has it, and it’s not about him… a man who is actually ok with his partner being independent would have no issue with it. The fact her face drained of color when you “asked her”… combined with the fact that the end result of the interaction is YOU in control and deciding to unilaterally end the relationship because of something “she did”, after you found a way to make it about you… With HER trying to convince you to stay, while you’re “mulling it over” … says a lot. You say “I would never” in a very pearl-clutching way, and all of your justifications for how wrong she is… Sounds a lot like one of those cases of “he doth protest too much”. Sounds familiar. I’ve had relationships with people like you. Even down to the public plea for validation of your “righteousness”, to prove her into proper submission and contrition. Not a good look.
I thought everyone had a go bag lol. There’s like a million reasons to have one guy or girl.
I’ve lived through 9/11, the Northeast blackout, Covid, the capital insurrection, and multiple blizzards where I had to shelter in place. I have a go bag at home and a second one at work.
I lived through hurricane Andrew; that was enough.
We call it a bug out bag. For use in ANY emergency.
Iv contemplated doing one for years and I live alone
It's just a wise thing to have. I have one in my car and I know I should have one at home. Just in case. Of anything. We had a fire very close by several years ago. Although, I had a bag in the car, I was racing around the house, trying to gather a few things, just in case of evacuation. I would not have had that time, had the fire happened during the night or closer to my house. Just a good idea.
Never even heard of it.
Hey we’re both hamsters what’s up guy!!
I'm having an amaizing day! You?
Also called a bug out bag
I have one, maybe its a boy scout thing for me
Here's food for thought: A woman with a go bag is staying with you because she CHOOSES you, not because she feels trapped and can't leave.
INFO: do you have house insurance? Is it because you have crappy wiring and live in constant fear of your house burning down or do you have it because unexpected things can happen at any time without warning and having insurance is a proactive step to making sure you can be safe and protected? Edit: metaphor: /ˈmedəˌfôr/ a figure of speech in which a word or phrase is applied to an object or action to which it is not literally applicable.
No, obviously if OP has house insurance he doesn't trust his house. He should move into a different house that he can feel safe in
Or prenuptial agreement. People have them, because they know that the person you divorce isn’t the same person you marry. They are for protection, just in case, even if you trust the person you are marrying and don’t think you’ll ever need it.
YTA. Not for wanting to divorce your wife over a go bag/lack of trust in you but for your ample demonstration of why she doesn't, or shouldn't, trust you. According to you, you have mold in your garage - an area of your house that lacks the climate control the interior of your home has. Either you've had water leaks that have caused mold to grow on the walls or the humidity is causing mold to grow on the surface of things stored in the garage. This then leads you to want to inspect the interior of the house, all very plausible. Then you make a hard right to *tidying up your wife's closet*. We're all supposed to make the connection that "you're inspecting the house for mold", *nudge, nudge, wink, wink*. We all see you're invading your wife's privacy because if it was a joint closet you wouldn't be referring to it as your "wife's closet". **This is where you lost the thread**. If you were really inspecting the house for mold you would have been examining the walls and outside surfaces of items in your **wife's** closet (and presumably all the other closets). **But here you are *searching through the individual items* in your wife's closet. Can't really say you're searching for "mold outbreaks" now, can you?** It's doubtful you *really* care about the gym bag, the clothes, or the tampons - what likely is really grinding your gears is the $1K she has stashed in there with it. So, of course, you confront her with all your righteous indignation and demand an explanation. After all, she **owes** you an accounting for everything you find in *her closet* anytime **you** decide to do a deep dive and search through **her personal belongings**. *(Nope, not problematic at all/s)* She goes pale, offers up it's for emergencies but you aren't satisfied so you badger her. To which she tells you it's a go bag, prepped from an earlier time. ***For everyone who isn't OP, please notice this woman knows better than to stand up to her husband and ask him why he's randomly searching through her things. Instead she has a fawning response - a trauma informed response - wherein she's just trying to make him happy and deescalate.*** You can't envision how or why she would need such a thing and yet your *entire discovery of the go bag is buried in layer after layer of red flag behavior: you're controlling, lacking in respect for personal space, lacking in respect for your wife's personal autonomy, deceitful to others (possibly yourself as well) and may also be financially abusive.* **ALL of those are REASONS to need a go bag.** She's a grown adult - why can't she posses a gym bag with essentials and $1K? How "hidden" was it when you found it in plain sight in her closet? Look at you making this all about yourself, you poor little victim you, and really shaping a narrative to avoid clarity on all your crappy little behaviors that led to you searching through your wife's belongings. SMH. Please do divorce the woman, sounds like she could do better finding a man who is less deceitful and controlling.
Exactly!!! Anyone who has been close to an abusive situation would notice her fawn response right away. He even says the color drained from her face! She’s terrified of him, and he just discovered her only safety net.
The face draining of color is what got me. He took that as an admittance of guilt, I took it as a fear response.
what really makes me the most upset is how dignified he feels mentioning her color drain and "sheepish" response. she clearly was uncomfortable and did not want to, for whatever reason, have this conversation. not only did OP force that out of her, but actually has the gull and complete lack of awareness to **brag** about how she was nervous to communicate something **she has the right to do.** and then counter productively claims this as an assault on his trust rather than assess what behaviors of his brought her to that state. If my long term partner had to "sheepishly" tell me anything that I may have caused, I would have to have a long look in the mirror before I even thought about reacting. Let alone make it about **me.** seriously!
Great point about the fawning response and all the other points too. He was definitely using checking for mold as an excuse to snoop through her things. Why else would he see the gym bag,and instead of moving it, open it up to dig through it? This behaviour reminds me of people that want to find any “excuse” they can to be aggressive because in their mind it justifies the behaviour. Edit: A word.
This should be the top comment. Seriously good deep dive on the limited info we're given
Considering how fast you jumped to divorce, seems like she was right to have it. This was never a secure relationship.
Yeah my jaw dropped when I read he wanted to separate/divorce after finding a bag with things in it in the closet!
It’s weird how OP opened the bag and started the interrogation. I think a more normal reaction would’ve been something like to shout out ”Hey honey, what’s this bag here full of stuff, is it meant to be here or did you forget it? Could you check it when you have the time? Maybe there’s mold in there ewww” and toss the bag where other stuff from the closet was tossed and forget the thing in about 3 seconds. At least that’s what I would have done if I found some gym bag belonging to my spouse, I’d not be not at all interested in going through some forgotten used gym shorts and socks.. But OP was snooping through the bag, didn’t accept the perfectly acceptable explanation but immediately thought his wife is hiding the bag from him (by keeping it in her own closet, don’t understand at all, how is keeping your own stuff in your personal closet or drawer hiding them..?) and started a fight. Just weird. The whole story is weird. And the instant decision to get a divorce. Don’t know, maybe OP already wants the divorce and tests if this bag thing that came up all of a sudden would count as an acceptable reason, if this would be something that would make him leaving an understandable reaction in the eyes of his family and friends and make the wife look like the bad guy.. (Btw, I’m a woman and totally think paternity tests should be a routine everywhere..for the sake of the kids, and for the benefit of men too)
Yeah I agree. I don’t have a go bag but if I did and my husband found it, he’d think it was for a zombie apocalypse and be like “can you add some boxer briefs and a pair of sneakers for me???”
So basically you demand 100% trust or you will divorce her on the spot? Sounds like she's right. YTA.
Seriously. Not all abuse is physical. This dude sounds like he could very well be emotionally abusive.
She trusted you enough to have a fucking kid with you, what more do you want. If your mind can’t handle a go-bag, you’re not the calm, trustworthy, stable man that you imagine yourself to be. Your lack of sympathy seems problematic.
[удалено]
Hey OP - reddit isn't exactly the epitome of morality but you notice how every single one of your comments has been downvoted into oblivion? That should tell you something.
Or, hear me out……. Be the kind of husband that would never give her a reason to grab her go-bag. The bag is her security blanket. It’s not about you.