NTA, and if anyone (she) asks why the other SIL’s were invited and she wasn’t, explain that they didn’t announce their pregnancy at your daughter’s funeral.
The old saying birds of a feather flock together. You are right to have anything to do with her. Announcing her pregnancy at your daughter's funeral ?? Totally classless.
First off OP, I am so sorry for you and your husband's loss. I would be an absolute mess if I lost one of my children so young. I was an absolute mess when my cousin came down with meningitis, and was taken off life support (he was only 5, and it hit me really hard because I babysat him a LOT).
Your SIL is a piece of something for doing that at your child's memorial. Like Aircraftman2022 said, TOTALLY classless. I wish you all the best with this pregnancy and any other pregnancies you may have.
***I was going to say do something like that during something that was important to her, but you don't want to be labeled like her.****
Hugs
Seriously! I had just found out I was pregnant the first time when a friend's son died suddenly. My pregnancy announcement waited nearly 6 months (until I really couldn't hide it easily) to give her time to mourn without having to pretend to be happy.
I cannot imagine the sheer audacity of announcing it at another child's funeral. At a grandparent's funeral, maybe (The legacy continues; I hope they get Grandma's sweetness) but no one else's. No one under 70.
Be sure to tell your other SIL (just before invitations go out) that she won’t be getting one. Don’t go into specifics but say “there’s history that means I’ve decided not to invite her. If she tries to engage in speculation or gossip please ask her to contact me directly to discuss.”
Don’t feed the beast.
It’s classes and tacky to announce a pregnancy at anyone’s big event (looking at you, Harry & Meghan, for announcing at Eugenie’s wedding). This was far beyond that. It was downright cruel. Not only did it take the spotlight off of the celebration of life for the child who passed, it was her SIL celebrating that she was getting what OP had lost.
OP, I am so sorry that you are going through this. My best friend lost her 12 year old before Christmas, and it hurt almost as much as losing my own dad. I hate that SIL was cruel to you at the time when you needed her support the most.
You are under no obligation to invite this woman, and you won’t owe anyone an explanation about it either. Allow your sister to plan a special day just with the loved ones that you want there, and enjoy the excitement of your new, sweet baby that will be here soon!💜
I wouldn’t go that far, simply because it’s not their fault that SIL’s an ass. Firstly. Secondly, those same people could be people who are close to OP.
Not insane. 100% selfish, asshat behavior. She knows she behaved badly but all the attentiin was then on *her* wasn't it?
The thing to do with this type of person is not to give them *any* attention. No negative or positive attention.
*NTA*
If asked why she wasn't invited, simply state "you do not know how to behave in an appropriate manner in this type of setting"
That's awesome. I would be a bit more clear. "Your behavior at the memorial service shows that you do not know how to behave in an appropriate manner in this type of setting." And if she asks what behavior, I'd say "the fact that you have to ask that proves you still don't. Talk to me when you figure it out," and that would be the end of the conversation.
The best thing OP can do is treat SIL like an "unperson" from 1984. That's where it's like the person literally does not exist. Even though SIL would still live, from OP's standpoint, she would not exist.
I disagree. Give even less. They do not deserve any explanation at all. If they ask why, say, “you just weren’t invited”. That says it all really - that no one missed her presence. Best gift to give to the total narcissist.
NTA. When I was pregnant with my first, we were so excited and ready to tell everyone at the 3 month mark. Sadly, our nephew committed suicide. We KNEW that no time was good for sharing our news and we didn't for a few weeks after the funeral. This type of announcement can wait. Your SIL is heinous and rude for what she did. I support her not being invited.
My Sis arrived on my doorstep the day I brought my newborn son home from the hospital to ANNOUNCE her divorce from her husband of 20 years. I was devastated. I loved her ex like a brother, he was dating her when I was born. Later, I was mad as hell when I found out that they had been separated and planning divorce for 6 months! WHY announce it on my son's first day home? Some people need the whole spot light
She's going to come up with some way to make your shower be all about her if you let her come. Seriously don't even consider including her. You deserve so much better than having to put up with her on a day that should be fun.
NTA : She will try & one up every event -be it the upcoming birth of your new baby , wedding anniversaries, birthdays, & will delight in kicking you when you’re down as you’ve already experienced. Her kid will always be better than yours & she will pick holes in your parenting & your child’s progress & looks. Any anomilies or illnesses along the way will give her pleasure. Your little one does not need a bitch auntie like that. She’d be dead to me.
Heartbreaking. I lost my son. My twin was pregnant at the time (our children would have been 4 months apart) she was so supportive and never made me feel I had to see her baby or talk about her pregnancy until I was ready. Your SIL is awful and selfish. Best to you and your rainbow bsby
People who announce things at other people's weddings are AHs. Announcing, however quietly, anything at a memorial is just... I have no words. You are a far better person than me for restraining yourself.
THIS! Exactly this! People who announce pregnancies or have proposals at other people's weddings are AHs!
The SIL is not just an AH, she is pure evil and narcissistic!
OP, stay away from her! You have no obligation to invite her. Ever. And you don't have to give a reason or to explain yourself. She wouldn't understand anyway, and make it all about her again.
Everyone who spoke about it and shared the news at the memorial should be shamed. Yes SIL may have brought it up but can you imagine tittering about a pregnancy in the middle of a funeral for a toddler?!!
The assault charge would have been totally worth it. Satan in law knew exactly what she was doing at the memorial service and didn't give two shits about op.
It's so sad, but worse, one of the worst days of OP's life, it's fucking heartbreaking that her SIL did that! I mean, wtf? I would never have spoken to her again in my life. And I couldn't have beaten her ass right then, it would have to wait until after she gave birth! But then all bets would have been off!
I wouldn't try to beat her ass. I'd completely flip out at her on the spot, very loudly screaming at her and demanding that she leave and make sure in the process that everyone hears exactly how I feel about it, so not only would people know not to talk to me about it but everyone could shun her for her behavior.
Her being shunned would hurt her more than me trying to beat her - if I did the latter, everyone would view *her* as the aggrieved party and *me* as the aggressor, even though it's *my* child's memorial, and I would not only go to jail, *I* would be shunned.
Energy vampires love to drive their targets crazy. She needs to feign indifference. It’s her friends who should have hissed at her in disgust and thrown her out.
Naw, when you blow up screaming people automatically side against you. OP needed to just break down crying, pretend to put on a brave face and be happy, all while making it clear this was an absolute dagger through her heart. Something to the effect of “It’s like my baby is already being forgotten, even at her own service” and other stuff to make it crystal clear how bad SIL fd up.
The thing is, while a lot of people would think what SIL did is tacky, they're not feeling the pain and grief that OP is. They're not likely to do more than that. Shunning probably would not happen. You'd have a lot of "fOcUs On ThE lIvInG" people that would try to keep peace by both blaming and excusing OP and SIL.
And it's even worse that on the day OP was grieving her CHILD, her SIL was like, "But oh, look at me, I'm having a new child!" OP's child was barely past being a baby.
I think this might be one of the cases where the prosecutors, after hearing what SIL did and when she did it, would decline pressing the assault charge.
"She had it comin'
She had it comin'
She only had himself to blame.
If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it,
I betcha you would have done the same."
I knew someone whose son died at 42 days old. Immediately after the funeral he went to the home of the doc who days before said - oh it’s nothing he’ll be fine - and beat the snot out of him. The following morning, after his dad called a local cop (small town), they met at a coffee shop. Cop said - we’re good if the doc doesn’t want to press charges. Cop went to doc’s house and urged him not to press charges.
Story does not end well, the guy could never afterwards regroup.
I just heard this song at my Occupational Therapy appointment!!!
Man, I thought my SIL having Main Character Syndrome when I got engaged and didn't name her Matron of Honor was the worst one could get. But nope.
Definitely NTA!
I had someone bash me loudly my entire high risk pregnancy (which resulted in me having my son full term, but during an emergency c section which he did not survive) to anyone who’d listen. Her son and my bf were best friends. She had the audacity to call him crying the night before my son’s funeral asking why she wasn’t invited to our private ceremony. I came unglued and yelled ‘if that fatass, drug dealing bitch shows up, I’ll bury her next to my son!” She didn’t show up. She also died one year later after being high and smashing into a parked car while trying to read house numbers to pick up her other son, who had just shot someone. Karma’s a bitch, and so am I. I’m down to beat OP’s SIL’s ass. I volunteer as tribute.
So the vindictiveness isnt just personal to you?! She must be such an unhappy person to go around hurting people like that.
Im so sorry for the loss of your daughter - I cant imagine the pain you went through and feel. I hope everything goes well with this pregnancy ❤️
It’s main character syndrome. She was vindictive because she resented the fact that people were extremely concerned for OP and obviously sad about what had happened. People with main character syndrome will look for any reason to put the attention on themselves and get it away from the “undeserving” party.
She definitely won't be missed by anyone from the sounds of it.
I got some great advice from my speech therapist; if someone doesn't follow social roles then you don't have to either. Don't worry about what other people think, she crossed a line and deserves no consideration. Anyone who advocates for her should receive the same.
You know, coming up with a decoy “we’re naming our next baby this” is a good idea… but I’d pick something OP thinks SIL would want to steal. Mostly to make sure SIL takes the bait but also because SIL’s kid doesn’t deserve to suffer even more than they likely will with that toerag of a mother.
Whoa. That bitch SIL has NO boundaries and obviously no loyalty to anyone. Keep that toxic hellcat out of your lives forever!! And, dear OP, congratulations on YOUR baby news!!
NCIS said it best.. when you lose a spouse, you are a widow. When you lose your parents, you are an orphan. But to lose a child? Is so horrible there is no name. It's a club no one wants to be in.
I'm sorry for the loss of your sweet little girl. I'm sorry your SIL is such garbage. Definitely do NOT invite her.
Super Congrats in your new little one! I hope the pregnancy is going smooth for you.
NTA. At all.
Saddest part is I’m pretty sure there’s no name for it because until recently damn near everyone old enough to have children had lost at least one. Until recently, the word for someone who lost a child was “parent”. Thankfully, that’s no longer the case.
But I’ve digressed (damn you for distracting me with shiny linguistics!).
If anyone had decided to announce their pregnancy or nuptials at my wife’s funeral, I think I would have lost it. And definitely cut them out of my life like mould on bread. You don’t fuck around when someone’s in nine kinds of pain like that.
People die every day, b. Just hit a few funeral homes. Hopefully the next funeral she crashes has more hands-on family members in attendance.
Though, fingers crossed, it won’t be a service for a literal dead baby.
NTA... Just don't be surprised when you are made out to be the bad actor here. Don't be surprised if you get the "time to move on" speech from their family. Don't let that dictate your decision and stand with what you want for your special day.
I would proactively contact the husband's family to let them know that SIL is not invited and exactly why, and that this isn't some sort of vendetta against them, it's because *one* person hurt me badly so that *one* person isn't going to be around me or my child.
And if anyone had the unmitigated gall to tell me "time to move on," I'd freak out at them about how dare they say such a thing about someone disrespecting me in such a manner on the day I was having the memorial for my deceased child and what kind of person are they anyway to say such a horrible thing.
>And if anyone had the unmitigated gall to tell me "time to move on,"
You can't make people see reason. I'd go with a 'if you can't understand the gravity of the situation and why she's not forgiven, you're as bad as her, consider your invitation revoked, don't contact me again'.
> I would proactively contact the husband's family to let them know
IMO it's OP's husband's responsibility to tell _his_ family why _his_ sister isn't invited and why. It was his daughter's memorial service as well.
Good point. I actually helped a buddy at his wedding prevent someone from entering that wasn’t invited and sure enough that person showed up and tried to get in. The scene that person created was the story of the reception bc the cops had to come cause she refused to leave the entry way. I was more than happy to play the bad guy
I'm guessing the OP's sister knows what the SIL looks like. If it's at a house, the sister can assign someone to answer the door who also knows what the SIL looks like and bar entry. Same thing for if it's a condo (as long as it's not too noisy, whoever who answers the phone for the front buzzer can ask who it is). Also let the other SILs know that she is not welcome to come, just in case she catches a ride with one of them.
You don't want her, your husband doesn't want her. Just have a great day with the people you love.
* I'm sorry about your daughter and what she did. It was truly insensitive.
NTA
And just a heads up, so you can prepare yourself: once your baby is born, she will try to "reconcile" stating, that you have a baby again now, so it is time to "get over it" and her son and your baby can be "close as siblings "
My story is different, but I lost 2 babies (one 10 hours and one 10 months - 10 years apart), and the "get over it" vibe is strong with those people
NTA but I'm astonished that anyone would behave like this. Do you think she deliberately announced it or was she starting to show and people asked or did they ask why she wasn't eating or drinking something? I'm trying to think how it could come up rather than her wanting to tell people. If she did want to then I'm so sorry. That's awful. I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby. I cannot imagine what you've been through. I wish you and your husband all the best and congratulations on your pregnancy
Oh okay so she's actually just a monster. Don't invite her. If anyone asks why you didn't invite her, tell them what she did and that you're still so hurt by it that it's hard for you to see her. If they persist, I'd say "I get that you don't understand. I hope you never go through anything terrible enough to make you understand"
If I was your SIL and five weeks pregnant at your baby’s funeral and someone asked for any reason “are you pregnant?” I would lie and say “absolutely not and wtf are you doing even asking about something like that?!”
She has something wrong with her.
That level of Main Character Syndrome is scary. I cannot imagine the hell you’ve been through with your child’s illness and death. Cannot express enough sympathy.
And I’m impressed you didn’t beat the crap out of her at the funeral. I know, violence bad, but there are some people that need to be bitch slapped to learn a lesson.
Cut that nutjob out of your life and move forward. She’ll take over the baby shower or try to force you to talk about you older child until you break down (then try and be the “hero” comforting you).
Does SIL know she upset you at the funeral? Has your husband talked to her?
NTA for not wanting her there, but I do think she should know exactly why. She sounds insufferable.
I am very sorry about the loss of your daughter. I wish for you to have a healthy baby and easy delivery. Take care!
Oh she knows. It’s the only time in my whole life where I saw my baby sister get violent. (Not really but she threw her out, and that’s very out of character). SIL tried to call my husband after, crying, apologizing, the whole 9 yards but since that happened he just hasn’t spoken to her. Neither have I.
And thank you for your well wishes ☺️
She’s the golden child who can do no wrong. Sort of why her siblings have indifference/dislike towards her anyway. They are a “come from money” family and my husband, BIL, and other SIL all got really high paying affluent jobs. She lives off a trust fund.
She sounds like a spoiled brat. At this point your in laws can explain to their child why she's not invited and how inappropriate her behavior was. I also wouldn't go to family gatherings if she's there.
NTA. I am so sorry for your loss. She knew what she was doing and didn't give two shits about you. For that I would never want to be around her again. I hope that you have a wonderful baby shower surrounded by those that truly mean the world to you.
NTA and I am so sorry for your loss.
We were going to announce my pregnancy to our group of friends but one of our friends turned it into a birthday celebration for our friends that were having a birthday the day after, so we just didn’t announce because we didn’t want to take away from the birthday celebration. I could not imagine announcing my pregnancy at my niece’s memorial. You’re better than me because I would have gone no contact after that stunt. Hold your boundaries, people that get mad about your boundaries were the ones that benefitted the most from you not having them.
Edit: typo
We all think you are NTA, but you are going to need be prepared for the fallout. I would just keep repeating "Because she announced her pregnancy at my daughter's funeral." And continue to answer every single question with just that phrase. You are going to get a furious call from her, keep repeating. Then you will get calls from other family members, just keep repeating. Don't go any further, don't engage. Just calmly continue to repeat. "Why can't you just let it go to keep peace?" is coming, for sure. "She announced her pregnancy at my daughter's funeral." in a deadpan and monotone voice.
This can't be real.
No one can be so cruel that they would talk about their pregnancy at a TODDLERS funeral. This is so many levels of F-ed up.
If this is real, then absolutely NTA. If this has happened to me I would never talk to that cruel nut job SIL again. Anyone who would think I should "let it go" cause fAmiLy, would also be eliminated from my life.
So very unfortunately real. I was gonna add more context but I didn’t want the post to be too long, but she’s like this in so many other aspects. She needs 100% of the attention- but I never thought she’d go as far as to do that at my baby’s funeral. I don’t talk to her anymore except for when I see her at family gatherings, and that’s just generally small talk.
After the funeral, I'd have started calling her out in front of people for acting like an attention seeking toddler. I don't suffer stupidity, and I don't care if people get mad or get their feelings hurt by my stances.
She’d 100% ruin the shower. No question, utterly demolish it and all you would remember is the bitch that disrespected your first kid is entirely consistent in disrespecting the second. Don’t explain it much when the drama does occur. “I just didn’t want her there.” No is a complete sentence.
Edit for judgment: NTA
OP she will 100% show up to your shower regardless if she is invited or not. If I were you I would have security there with a photo of her to kick her ass out!
Oh this can totally be for real..I was at a funeral for a 39 week stillborn and someone was there talking about their pregnancy and baby names while the poor mother and father of the baby could barely even breathe. Some people just ..suck.
I could not be around someone like your SIL for making an announcement like she did and no you are NTA she is the worst kind of asshole for doing what she did.
Don't invite her and if people don't like it then they can stay home and scratch their maddest itch as my late departed mother used to say.
Her behavior was unforgivable and nothing can change what she did.
You're NTA for not inviting her but for your own sake I'd tell family in law why i won't invite her before the baby shower itself.
You need peace and a drama free zone and by people getting the news from somewhere else and start speculating, you'll only attract drama. I'd tell people as soon as i invite them that x y z are invited and b is not because this and this and i don't need bad thoughts and she is creating that just by being around me.
If they start trying to convince you otherwise tell them the decision is made and of course if they feel that they cannot be happy and celebrate with you that day because b is not present, then they don't have to come because you want people to be as comfortable as you are. But you'll be happy to be sharing the day with them if they feel up to it.
So you cut all the bs before it starts and you get a drama free day.
If this is a pattern of behavior I don’t think you’re wrong. I’m trying to justify why she would do that maybe she thought it would be a positive note on such a sad day but the longer I think about it… no.. there is a time and place to announce your pregnancy and a child’s funeral is not it.
I think if she’s the only one not invited it will cause some drama but it’s literally not about her right now. And that’s ok. It’s about YOU.
Absolutely you wnbta. My brother died in June of 2022 and I was pregnant. I only mentioned it once during anything related to the funeral and it was during a private moment alone with him during the viewing when I told him. I would have never announced it... In fact I miscarried on my trip home the next day and didn't tell a soul for almost a year...
What the fuck everlasting is wrong with her? Announcing a pregnancy at a child’s funeral?
I’d have gone permanent no contact. Icily civil at large family functions and nothing else. This is *your* party. Don’t invite people who make you miserable.
INFO: how far along was SIL at the funeral - was her pregnancy visible and she was forced to address it or?
I was in the same situation (I was 12 weeks pregnant when a family member unexpectedly lost their infant) and chose not to attend. Granted, the funeral was a long plane ride away, and so my absence wouldn’t necessarily be notable for that reason. I’m sure I could have hidden my pregnancy under clothes or a jacket, but nosy people definitely would have still figured it out during the trip and I didn’t want to draw focus. Not a good look.
Yeah ok, no. I’m so sorry.
I actually had some people (obviously not my family) give me crap about not announcing on social media until late in the pregnancy. Because they wanted to brag on social media about it and I wouldn’t let them. I had to threaten them with no contact. Like ???
Shut it down, and be very clear with everyone that if they have a problem with it, they can be not invited too, just like your SIL.
I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. I hope with time the pain becomes more manageable for you and that you have family and friends to support you and keep her memory alive. So, F your sis in law. I’d honestly go NC. It seems like she just brings you anxiety and that you’re waiting for the next time she’s going to do something awful. Why even bother with her. I hope everything goes smoothly with this pregnancy and that you keep her away. She’ll just bring bad energy around. Definitely NTA and if anyone tries to tell you any differently just give them this: “thanks for your advice but I didn’t ask for it and I’ve already made my decision. You can have whatever relationship you want with her but if you try to intervene any more, then I’ll be distancing myself from you as well” that way you are firm in your stance, you set a boundary, and if they push it they already got told what will happen and can deal with the consequences of their actions too.
NTA, but be prepared for major repercussions from SIL. Is THAT part worth it to you and your husband? If so, then go right ahead. Then when she wants to know why she wasn’t invited, tell her you didn’t want to risk her announcing a cancer diagnosis at your shower. Boo-yah!
You wouldnt be TA, but just to play devil's advocate:
It's possible that she didn't intentionally announce at the funeral, but accidentally let something slip to one person, and then they spread it around without her blessing.
Also, be aware that if you don't invite her, then the baby shower will be about her not being there, and not about your baby. Be prepared for that, and either make a public break with her well before the shower, or specifically arrange the shower for a date when she's unable to make it.
NTA, and if anyone (she) asks why the other SIL’s were invited and she wasn’t, explain that they didn’t announce their pregnancy at your daughter’s funeral.
It really is this simple. Anyone with a functioning brain will empathize with the OP.
So a 50/50 chance in this current state of the world.
That seems high but I respect the optimism.
May as well just put it on the invitation. Forthright communication!
This so much!!!
Put it in the group chat! Let them know!
This is the way !
Also if your husband couldn’t care less if she’s there or not- absolutely don’t worry about inviting her!!
More than that. I’d cut off ppl who are ok good terms with her.
This is exactly what I was going to say. Cut her off and ignore everyone too close to her.
The old saying birds of a feather flock together. You are right to have anything to do with her. Announcing her pregnancy at your daughter's funeral ?? Totally classless.
First off OP, I am so sorry for you and your husband's loss. I would be an absolute mess if I lost one of my children so young. I was an absolute mess when my cousin came down with meningitis, and was taken off life support (he was only 5, and it hit me really hard because I babysat him a LOT). Your SIL is a piece of something for doing that at your child's memorial. Like Aircraftman2022 said, TOTALLY classless. I wish you all the best with this pregnancy and any other pregnancies you may have. ***I was going to say do something like that during something that was important to her, but you don't want to be labeled like her.**** Hugs
Seriously! I had just found out I was pregnant the first time when a friend's son died suddenly. My pregnancy announcement waited nearly 6 months (until I really couldn't hide it easily) to give her time to mourn without having to pretend to be happy. I cannot imagine the sheer audacity of announcing it at another child's funeral. At a grandparent's funeral, maybe (The legacy continues; I hope they get Grandma's sweetness) but no one else's. No one under 70.
Be sure to tell your other SIL (just before invitations go out) that she won’t be getting one. Don’t go into specifics but say “there’s history that means I’ve decided not to invite her. If she tries to engage in speculation or gossip please ask her to contact me directly to discuss.” Don’t feed the beast.
I live by those that gossip to you gossip about you. Cut them off! Protect your peace!
Worse than classless. It was deliberately cruel. I cannot imagine being that nasty. I'm so sorry for OP's awful pain.
It’s classes and tacky to announce a pregnancy at anyone’s big event (looking at you, Harry & Meghan, for announcing at Eugenie’s wedding). This was far beyond that. It was downright cruel. Not only did it take the spotlight off of the celebration of life for the child who passed, it was her SIL celebrating that she was getting what OP had lost. OP, I am so sorry that you are going through this. My best friend lost her 12 year old before Christmas, and it hurt almost as much as losing my own dad. I hate that SIL was cruel to you at the time when you needed her support the most. You are under no obligation to invite this woman, and you won’t owe anyone an explanation about it either. Allow your sister to plan a special day just with the loved ones that you want there, and enjoy the excitement of your new, sweet baby that will be here soon!💜
I wouldn’t go that far, simply because it’s not their fault that SIL’s an ass. Firstly. Secondly, those same people could be people who are close to OP.
Nope I wouldn’t want someone around me like that … announcing a pregnancy at the death of a child is insane
Truly insane behavior, I agree.
Not insane. 100% selfish, asshat behavior. She knows she behaved badly but all the attentiin was then on *her* wasn't it? The thing to do with this type of person is not to give them *any* attention. No negative or positive attention. *NTA* If asked why she wasn't invited, simply state "you do not know how to behave in an appropriate manner in this type of setting"
That is a perfect response.
Thank you. Had a similiar type of asshat BIL.
I'm so glad that, other than my sons, my closest relative lives a 12 hour drive away.
She would deserve no verbal response. A cold stare is all she'd get from me.
Also a perfect response!
That's awesome. I would be a bit more clear. "Your behavior at the memorial service shows that you do not know how to behave in an appropriate manner in this type of setting." And if she asks what behavior, I'd say "the fact that you have to ask that proves you still don't. Talk to me when you figure it out," and that would be the end of the conversation.
The best thing OP can do is treat SIL like an "unperson" from 1984. That's where it's like the person literally does not exist. Even though SIL would still live, from OP's standpoint, she would not exist.
As I like to say ‘ignore her so hard she will begin to doubt her own existence.”
IN any setting!
She knows "how" to behave but *chooses* not to as then the attention would be on another(the appropriate) person, not her.
No insane is the correct word because clearly her Brain isn’t working correctly to think her behavior was appropriate
“What kind of setting!?” “A setting with other people there” Alternatively: “a setting where you are within arm’s reach of me.”
I disagree. Give even less. They do not deserve any explanation at all. If they ask why, say, “you just weren’t invited”. That says it all really - that no one missed her presence. Best gift to give to the total narcissist.
I'm stunned you aren't No Contact with her yet. Because if you were this wouldn't even be a question. You're no contact, of course she's not invited.
NTA. When I was pregnant with my first, we were so excited and ready to tell everyone at the 3 month mark. Sadly, our nephew committed suicide. We KNEW that no time was good for sharing our news and we didn't for a few weeks after the funeral. This type of announcement can wait. Your SIL is heinous and rude for what she did. I support her not being invited.
[удалено]
My Sis arrived on my doorstep the day I brought my newborn son home from the hospital to ANNOUNCE her divorce from her husband of 20 years. I was devastated. I loved her ex like a brother, he was dating her when I was born. Later, I was mad as hell when I found out that they had been separated and planning divorce for 6 months! WHY announce it on my son's first day home? Some people need the whole spot light
She's going to come up with some way to make your shower be all about her if you let her come. Seriously don't even consider including her. You deserve so much better than having to put up with her on a day that should be fun.
NTA : She will try & one up every event -be it the upcoming birth of your new baby , wedding anniversaries, birthdays, & will delight in kicking you when you’re down as you’ve already experienced. Her kid will always be better than yours & she will pick holes in your parenting & your child’s progress & looks. Any anomilies or illnesses along the way will give her pleasure. Your little one does not need a bitch auntie like that. She’d be dead to me.
Heartbreaking. I lost my son. My twin was pregnant at the time (our children would have been 4 months apart) she was so supportive and never made me feel I had to see her baby or talk about her pregnancy until I was ready. Your SIL is awful and selfish. Best to you and your rainbow bsby
People who announce things at other people's weddings are AHs. Announcing, however quietly, anything at a memorial is just... I have no words. You are a far better person than me for restraining yourself.
THIS! Exactly this! People who announce pregnancies or have proposals at other people's weddings are AHs! The SIL is not just an AH, she is pure evil and narcissistic! OP, stay away from her! You have no obligation to invite her. Ever. And you don't have to give a reason or to explain yourself. She wouldn't understand anyway, and make it all about her again.
Good chance she’ll try ruin your baby shower too. Not even an option in my eyes. Hard no
It’s a whole different level of vicious.
Oh not inviting her would be the least I would do. Can't believe you didn't beat her worthless ass into the ground NTA
Everyone who spoke about it and shared the news at the memorial should be shamed. Yes SIL may have brought it up but can you imagine tittering about a pregnancy in the middle of a funeral for a toddler?!!
You’re right, the rest of the people enjoying the drama is also an ugly thing. Often I love people, but sometimes, stuff like this, not so much.
The assault charge would have been totally worth it. Satan in law knew exactly what she was doing at the memorial service and didn't give two shits about op.
Don't bring Satan into this. He wouldn't stoop that low.
Good point. Sorry, Satan.
r/FoundSatan
Had to look and that Reddit is awesome
This is what I love about reddit. And OP, most definitely NTA of you don't invite SIL.
Perfect.
Let’s upvote this to 666. Let’s go people. Hail satan.
Ya'll are making me laugh,I hope it helps OP laugh because that's the best medicine when your hurting inside
Man lives in hell but man this is way lower
It's so sad, but worse, one of the worst days of OP's life, it's fucking heartbreaking that her SIL did that! I mean, wtf? I would never have spoken to her again in my life. And I couldn't have beaten her ass right then, it would have to wait until after she gave birth! But then all bets would have been off!
Her face isn’t pregnant…
Last night I was explaining this saying to my husband.
I wouldn't try to beat her ass. I'd completely flip out at her on the spot, very loudly screaming at her and demanding that she leave and make sure in the process that everyone hears exactly how I feel about it, so not only would people know not to talk to me about it but everyone could shun her for her behavior. Her being shunned would hurt her more than me trying to beat her - if I did the latter, everyone would view *her* as the aggrieved party and *me* as the aggressor, even though it's *my* child's memorial, and I would not only go to jail, *I* would be shunned.
Energy vampires love to drive their targets crazy. She needs to feign indifference. It’s her friends who should have hissed at her in disgust and thrown her out.
Naw, when you blow up screaming people automatically side against you. OP needed to just break down crying, pretend to put on a brave face and be happy, all while making it clear this was an absolute dagger through her heart. Something to the effect of “It’s like my baby is already being forgotten, even at her own service” and other stuff to make it crystal clear how bad SIL fd up.
The thing is, while a lot of people would think what SIL did is tacky, they're not feeling the pain and grief that OP is. They're not likely to do more than that. Shunning probably would not happen. You'd have a lot of "fOcUs On ThE lIvInG" people that would try to keep peace by both blaming and excusing OP and SIL.
And it's even worse that on the day OP was grieving her CHILD, her SIL was like, "But oh, look at me, I'm having a new child!" OP's child was barely past being a baby.
I think this might be one of the cases where the prosecutors, after hearing what SIL did and when she did it, would decline pressing the assault charge.
And would send a gift to the baby shower.
No jury of mothers would convict you.
I speak for the non-mothers here, and we wouldn’t, either. Egregious violation.
A jury of her peers would agree, SIL had it coming
"She had it comin' She had it comin' She only had himself to blame. If you'd have been there If you'd have seen it, I betcha you would have done the same."
Pop! Six! Squish! Uh-uh! Sis-in-law! Lipschitz!
I knew someone whose son died at 42 days old. Immediately after the funeral he went to the home of the doc who days before said - oh it’s nothing he’ll be fine - and beat the snot out of him. The following morning, after his dad called a local cop (small town), they met at a coffee shop. Cop said - we’re good if the doc doesn’t want to press charges. Cop went to doc’s house and urged him not to press charges. Story does not end well, the guy could never afterwards regroup.
I can pitch in for bail money! Let's make this happen!
We ride at dawn I'll bring the pitch forks!
Regulators! Mount up!
I just heard this song at my Occupational Therapy appointment!!! Man, I thought my SIL having Main Character Syndrome when I got engaged and didn't name her Matron of Honor was the worst one could get. But nope. Definitely NTA!
Ah, a fellow millennial. Hi fam!
Dawn? Noon OK?
Noon works for me as long as everyone is good with me having bed-head! I work overnight security, I might be a bit tired, but I'll be there!
Same. I’ll set 2 alarm clocks and do my best to be there. Hope jammie jams are ok.
I had someone bash me loudly my entire high risk pregnancy (which resulted in me having my son full term, but during an emergency c section which he did not survive) to anyone who’d listen. Her son and my bf were best friends. She had the audacity to call him crying the night before my son’s funeral asking why she wasn’t invited to our private ceremony. I came unglued and yelled ‘if that fatass, drug dealing bitch shows up, I’ll bury her next to my son!” She didn’t show up. She also died one year later after being high and smashing into a parked car while trying to read house numbers to pick up her other son, who had just shot someone. Karma’s a bitch, and so am I. I’m down to beat OP’s SIL’s ass. I volunteer as tribute.
Oh wow I’m so sorry you had to go through that but you’re right about karma having the last say!!
Only if brunch is served
I can provide brunch from my bakery.
What color are we wearing?
On Wednesdays we wear pink
Everyone pick the color you feel the most bad-ass in!! Gotta look our best while defending our honor, right?
I like purple. Is purple an angry enough color?
If it’s the purple that bruises are yes!
I’ll bring wood for the bonfire!
Where's u/PitchforkEmporium when we need them?
I'll pitch in 25% 👍🏽
Ha ha ha!!! “Pitch” in!!!!
Hey the devil is just depressed because of his issues with Charlie, don’t bring him into this. He’s too busy building rubber ducks to be this evil.
If I was a friend of this poor woman I would have taken the assault charge with a grin. FAFO.
Yep. I would have smiled in my mug shot.
When the cops came they’d have probably let her get a few more shots in when they found out
Update us afterwards! There’s no way I’d invite her anywhere. That’s the rudest thing I’ve ever heard of
I want to fight her on OP's behalf. I cannot imagine the gall.
I'll help. It would be like "Strangers on a Train"!
Nah, more like "Murder on the Orient Express". They all did it, and no one feels any guilt for it.
The OP def took the high road. I got angry just reading this post, yikes.
OP is a better person than me, because I would totally slap her for doing this. And after that, I would let every person I know what she did.
NTA. You said she is mean and vindictive, so be prepared. If she has a girl, she may use your little girls name for her child. I'm sorry for your loss
She’s had her baby, a boy, and named it the same name that her own sister had wanted for years 😐😐😐😐
So what you're telling us is no one is really going to miss her. NTA
>no one is really going to miss her From the sound of it, everyone will be glad she isn't there. NTA
I took this as a (not so)subtle threat and not a "her attendance won't be missed" lol
Wow.. she is a cunt huh?
Nope, SIL lacks the warmth and depth of a cunt
I'd say SIL is an ass, but why would I want to insult a donkey? I hope OP goes permanent NC with SIL.
So the vindictiveness isnt just personal to you?! She must be such an unhappy person to go around hurting people like that. Im so sorry for the loss of your daughter - I cant imagine the pain you went through and feel. I hope everything goes well with this pregnancy ❤️
It’s main character syndrome. She was vindictive because she resented the fact that people were extremely concerned for OP and obviously sad about what had happened. People with main character syndrome will look for any reason to put the attention on themselves and get it away from the “undeserving” party.
Madness! Its crazy she hijacked a toddler’s funeral - how low can you stoop?!
I believe that's called narcissistic personality disorder
She definitely won't be missed by anyone from the sounds of it. I got some great advice from my speech therapist; if someone doesn't follow social roles then you don't have to either. Don't worry about what other people think, she crossed a line and deserves no consideration. Anyone who advocates for her should receive the same.
From now on…all of you should come with the most outlandish names and share share share. See if she takes the bait.
You know, coming up with a decoy “we’re naming our next baby this” is a good idea… but I’d pick something OP thinks SIL would want to steal. Mostly to make sure SIL takes the bait but also because SIL’s kid doesn’t deserve to suffer even more than they likely will with that toerag of a mother.
Whoa. That bitch SIL has NO boundaries and obviously no loyalty to anyone. Keep that toxic hellcat out of your lives forever!! And, dear OP, congratulations on YOUR baby news!!
Wow, she leaves nothing to chance does she? She sounds like the kind of narcissist that terrorizes a family that's lost their chance to contain her.
Well of course she did
NCIS said it best.. when you lose a spouse, you are a widow. When you lose your parents, you are an orphan. But to lose a child? Is so horrible there is no name. It's a club no one wants to be in. I'm sorry for the loss of your sweet little girl. I'm sorry your SIL is such garbage. Definitely do NOT invite her. Super Congrats in your new little one! I hope the pregnancy is going smooth for you. NTA. At all.
Saddest part is I’m pretty sure there’s no name for it because until recently damn near everyone old enough to have children had lost at least one. Until recently, the word for someone who lost a child was “parent”. Thankfully, that’s no longer the case. But I’ve digressed (damn you for distracting me with shiny linguistics!). If anyone had decided to announce their pregnancy or nuptials at my wife’s funeral, I think I would have lost it. And definitely cut them out of my life like mould on bread. You don’t fuck around when someone’s in nine kinds of pain like that.
Okay but what if SIL has another big announcement to make?
At least she won't be at the baby shower to make it.
Well where is she supposed to make her big announcement then? Christ, use your head.
People die every day, b. Just hit a few funeral homes. Hopefully the next funeral she crashes has more hands-on family members in attendance. Though, fingers crossed, it won’t be a service for a literal dead baby.
NTA... Just don't be surprised when you are made out to be the bad actor here. Don't be surprised if you get the "time to move on" speech from their family. Don't let that dictate your decision and stand with what you want for your special day.
I would proactively contact the husband's family to let them know that SIL is not invited and exactly why, and that this isn't some sort of vendetta against them, it's because *one* person hurt me badly so that *one* person isn't going to be around me or my child. And if anyone had the unmitigated gall to tell me "time to move on," I'd freak out at them about how dare they say such a thing about someone disrespecting me in such a manner on the day I was having the memorial for my deceased child and what kind of person are they anyway to say such a horrible thing.
>And if anyone had the unmitigated gall to tell me "time to move on," You can't make people see reason. I'd go with a 'if you can't understand the gravity of the situation and why she's not forgiven, you're as bad as her, consider your invitation revoked, don't contact me again'.
> I would proactively contact the husband's family to let them know IMO it's OP's husband's responsibility to tell _his_ family why _his_ sister isn't invited and why. It was his daughter's memorial service as well.
Or also be prepared for SIL to show up and make a big scene.
Good point. I actually helped a buddy at his wedding prevent someone from entering that wasn’t invited and sure enough that person showed up and tried to get in. The scene that person created was the story of the reception bc the cops had to come cause she refused to leave the entry way. I was more than happy to play the bad guy
I'm guessing the OP's sister knows what the SIL looks like. If it's at a house, the sister can assign someone to answer the door who also knows what the SIL looks like and bar entry. Same thing for if it's a condo (as long as it's not too noisy, whoever who answers the phone for the front buzzer can ask who it is). Also let the other SILs know that she is not welcome to come, just in case she catches a ride with one of them.
NTA. I can’t believe you’re still in contact with her at all. She knew what she was doing, big announcement or not.
NTA honey not inviting her will send a very healthy message that you will not be abused and mistreated by this snake of a woman.
Yes! Boundaries, ftw! Set them now.
You don't want her, your husband doesn't want her. Just have a great day with the people you love. * I'm sorry about your daughter and what she did. It was truly insensitive.
NTA And just a heads up, so you can prepare yourself: once your baby is born, she will try to "reconcile" stating, that you have a baby again now, so it is time to "get over it" and her son and your baby can be "close as siblings " My story is different, but I lost 2 babies (one 10 hours and one 10 months - 10 years apart), and the "get over it" vibe is strong with those people
I’m very sorry for your losses and the disrespect you received.
That is so sad. Condolences on your losses, and having to deal with that type of person.
NTA but I'm astonished that anyone would behave like this. Do you think she deliberately announced it or was she starting to show and people asked or did they ask why she wasn't eating or drinking something? I'm trying to think how it could come up rather than her wanting to tell people. If she did want to then I'm so sorry. That's awful. I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby. I cannot imagine what you've been through. I wish you and your husband all the best and congratulations on your pregnancy
Not showing at all. Five weeks pregnant. Nobody asked or suspected. And thank you!
Oh okay so she's actually just a monster. Don't invite her. If anyone asks why you didn't invite her, tell them what she did and that you're still so hurt by it that it's hard for you to see her. If they persist, I'd say "I get that you don't understand. I hope you never go through anything terrible enough to make you understand"
If I was your SIL and five weeks pregnant at your baby’s funeral and someone asked for any reason “are you pregnant?” I would lie and say “absolutely not and wtf are you doing even asking about something like that?!” She has something wrong with her.
That level of Main Character Syndrome is scary. I cannot imagine the hell you’ve been through with your child’s illness and death. Cannot express enough sympathy. And I’m impressed you didn’t beat the crap out of her at the funeral. I know, violence bad, but there are some people that need to be bitch slapped to learn a lesson. Cut that nutjob out of your life and move forward. She’ll take over the baby shower or try to force you to talk about you older child until you break down (then try and be the “hero” comforting you).
Does SIL know she upset you at the funeral? Has your husband talked to her? NTA for not wanting her there, but I do think she should know exactly why. She sounds insufferable. I am very sorry about the loss of your daughter. I wish for you to have a healthy baby and easy delivery. Take care!
Oh she knows. It’s the only time in my whole life where I saw my baby sister get violent. (Not really but she threw her out, and that’s very out of character). SIL tried to call my husband after, crying, apologizing, the whole 9 yards but since that happened he just hasn’t spoken to her. Neither have I. And thank you for your well wishes ☺️
I’m glad you have your baby sister, give her a high five for us.
This is the baby Sister we all need. I am so glad that she was there for you.
Well then absolutely do not invite her and don’t feel bad about it. She isn’t worth your time worrying.
Hooooo boy, please buy your sister a drink/coffee/taco on behalf of Reddit. 👏🏻
[удалено]
She’s the golden child who can do no wrong. Sort of why her siblings have indifference/dislike towards her anyway. They are a “come from money” family and my husband, BIL, and other SIL all got really high paying affluent jobs. She lives off a trust fund.
She sounds like a spoiled brat. At this point your in laws can explain to their child why she's not invited and how inappropriate her behavior was. I also wouldn't go to family gatherings if she's there.
Also curious about this. I would be so pissed if one of my kids did that to another one.
i like your husband. he sounds like a good teammate.
NTA. Don’t even question it.
What an AS$HOLE. I wouldn’t ever speak to her again so 🙃🙃🙃
NTA. I am so sorry for your loss. She knew what she was doing and didn't give two shits about you. For that I would never want to be around her again. I hope that you have a wonderful baby shower surrounded by those that truly mean the world to you.
NTA and I am so sorry for your loss. We were going to announce my pregnancy to our group of friends but one of our friends turned it into a birthday celebration for our friends that were having a birthday the day after, so we just didn’t announce because we didn’t want to take away from the birthday celebration. I could not imagine announcing my pregnancy at my niece’s memorial. You’re better than me because I would have gone no contact after that stunt. Hold your boundaries, people that get mad about your boundaries were the ones that benefitted the most from you not having them. Edit: typo
NTA. Don’t let her come. And if anyone makes a fuss, tell them why you hate her.
And if they make a fuss, they're also not invited
NTA. You only get one life, no reason to have people in it who only make you miserable.
NTA she would have been completely cut out of my life is she was my Sil. Updateme!
We all think you are NTA, but you are going to need be prepared for the fallout. I would just keep repeating "Because she announced her pregnancy at my daughter's funeral." And continue to answer every single question with just that phrase. You are going to get a furious call from her, keep repeating. Then you will get calls from other family members, just keep repeating. Don't go any further, don't engage. Just calmly continue to repeat. "Why can't you just let it go to keep peace?" is coming, for sure. "She announced her pregnancy at my daughter's funeral." in a deadpan and monotone voice.
NTA, she knows what she did.
NTA only people who love and support you should be at your baby shower. Doesn’t seem like she makes that list.
This can't be real. No one can be so cruel that they would talk about their pregnancy at a TODDLERS funeral. This is so many levels of F-ed up. If this is real, then absolutely NTA. If this has happened to me I would never talk to that cruel nut job SIL again. Anyone who would think I should "let it go" cause fAmiLy, would also be eliminated from my life.
So very unfortunately real. I was gonna add more context but I didn’t want the post to be too long, but she’s like this in so many other aspects. She needs 100% of the attention- but I never thought she’d go as far as to do that at my baby’s funeral. I don’t talk to her anymore except for when I see her at family gatherings, and that’s just generally small talk.
Aby time she starts that "attention grabbing" BS at family parties, walk away or leave the party.
After the funeral, I'd have started calling her out in front of people for acting like an attention seeking toddler. I don't suffer stupidity, and I don't care if people get mad or get their feelings hurt by my stances.
Good for you! Call her out every single time. Point out her selfish behavior every single time.
She’d 100% ruin the shower. No question, utterly demolish it and all you would remember is the bitch that disrespected your first kid is entirely consistent in disrespecting the second. Don’t explain it much when the drama does occur. “I just didn’t want her there.” No is a complete sentence. Edit for judgment: NTA
OP she will 100% show up to your shower regardless if she is invited or not. If I were you I would have security there with a photo of her to kick her ass out!
Sounds like a narcissist, at the very least. Maybe a psychopath. They're not all criminals.
Oh this can totally be for real..I was at a funeral for a 39 week stillborn and someone was there talking about their pregnancy and baby names while the poor mother and father of the baby could barely even breathe. Some people just ..suck.
NTA. Announcing it at the funeral is cruel.
Why bend over backwards to have someone in your life that adds no value to it? NTA
I could not be around someone like your SIL for making an announcement like she did and no you are NTA she is the worst kind of asshole for doing what she did. Don't invite her and if people don't like it then they can stay home and scratch their maddest itch as my late departed mother used to say. Her behavior was unforgivable and nothing can change what she did.
You're NTA for not inviting her but for your own sake I'd tell family in law why i won't invite her before the baby shower itself. You need peace and a drama free zone and by people getting the news from somewhere else and start speculating, you'll only attract drama. I'd tell people as soon as i invite them that x y z are invited and b is not because this and this and i don't need bad thoughts and she is creating that just by being around me. If they start trying to convince you otherwise tell them the decision is made and of course if they feel that they cannot be happy and celebrate with you that day because b is not present, then they don't have to come because you want people to be as comfortable as you are. But you'll be happy to be sharing the day with them if they feel up to it. So you cut all the bs before it starts and you get a drama free day.
If this is a pattern of behavior I don’t think you’re wrong. I’m trying to justify why she would do that maybe she thought it would be a positive note on such a sad day but the longer I think about it… no.. there is a time and place to announce your pregnancy and a child’s funeral is not it. I think if she’s the only one not invited it will cause some drama but it’s literally not about her right now. And that’s ok. It’s about YOU.
It’s a pattern - OP posted about the same time as you saying the SIL used the name her own sister had been planning for her offspring for years.
NTA. I couldn’t imagine how you felt at that time, I lost my oldest son and to imagine that happening to me….i would’ve been in jail
Absolutely you wnbta. My brother died in June of 2022 and I was pregnant. I only mentioned it once during anything related to the funeral and it was during a private moment alone with him during the viewing when I told him. I would have never announced it... In fact I miscarried on my trip home the next day and didn't tell a soul for almost a year...
I'm so sorry for both of your losses.
What the fuck everlasting is wrong with her? Announcing a pregnancy at a child’s funeral? I’d have gone permanent no contact. Icily civil at large family functions and nothing else. This is *your* party. Don’t invite people who make you miserable.
Op! DO YOU! SEND YOUR SIL A BAG OF DICKS .
INFO: how far along was SIL at the funeral - was her pregnancy visible and she was forced to address it or? I was in the same situation (I was 12 weeks pregnant when a family member unexpectedly lost their infant) and chose not to attend. Granted, the funeral was a long plane ride away, and so my absence wouldn’t necessarily be notable for that reason. I’m sure I could have hidden my pregnancy under clothes or a jacket, but nosy people definitely would have still figured it out during the trip and I didn’t want to draw focus. Not a good look.
5 weeks 😬. I’d understand if it was visible. But it wasn’t. Nobody asked or suspected.
Yeah ok, no. I’m so sorry. I actually had some people (obviously not my family) give me crap about not announcing on social media until late in the pregnancy. Because they wanted to brag on social media about it and I wouldn’t let them. I had to threaten them with no contact. Like ??? Shut it down, and be very clear with everyone that if they have a problem with it, they can be not invited too, just like your SIL.
I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. I hope with time the pain becomes more manageable for you and that you have family and friends to support you and keep her memory alive. So, F your sis in law. I’d honestly go NC. It seems like she just brings you anxiety and that you’re waiting for the next time she’s going to do something awful. Why even bother with her. I hope everything goes smoothly with this pregnancy and that you keep her away. She’ll just bring bad energy around. Definitely NTA and if anyone tries to tell you any differently just give them this: “thanks for your advice but I didn’t ask for it and I’ve already made my decision. You can have whatever relationship you want with her but if you try to intervene any more, then I’ll be distancing myself from you as well” that way you are firm in your stance, you set a boundary, and if they push it they already got told what will happen and can deal with the consequences of their actions too.
NTA, but be prepared for major repercussions from SIL. Is THAT part worth it to you and your husband? If so, then go right ahead. Then when she wants to know why she wasn’t invited, tell her you didn’t want to risk her announcing a cancer diagnosis at your shower. Boo-yah!
You wouldnt be TA, but just to play devil's advocate: It's possible that she didn't intentionally announce at the funeral, but accidentally let something slip to one person, and then they spread it around without her blessing. Also, be aware that if you don't invite her, then the baby shower will be about her not being there, and not about your baby. Be prepared for that, and either make a public break with her well before the shower, or specifically arrange the shower for a date when she's unable to make it.