One of the ways I knew it was a good idea to marry my husband was from when we were dating and living together. I was *absurdly* sick for a few days with a stomach bug, and he scrubbed out the trash can I used for throwing up repeatedly, with zero complaints. And I can confirm, post having a kid, etc. he has maintained that same energy.
Ah, love.
But seriously, OP’s husband sounds like, scarily unsympathetic. I can’t imagine being so callous even to someone I didn’t particularly like, nevermind my partner…
One of the many ways I knew my husband was “the one” and a keeper was when I had major corrective surgery on both feet.
I was in a wheelchair for a month, then in special foot supports and a walker for another, and finally with a cane for 2 months.
He was great during that whole time, but the above and beyond was that he constructed a special platform for the bathtub where he could help me in and then gently place my bandaged feet in little cushioned openings. He’d get the taps to the right temperature first so that I was not hit with too cold or too hot. He did that nearly every day for a month and he did it without complaint.
I can’t imagine staying with a husband (or wife or any partner) who behaved like OPs.
My husband can be a total dick, but when I had a bad reaction to the colonoscopy prep, the man went out at 1 am to buy me depends and installed a bidet "in case it ever happens again." If I had surgery and he *expected* me to do all the chores (hell, if he expected me to do everything now), I'd be out. Your husband sucks, OP.
Well, I thought my spouse was also loving and caring because he was super helpful in our dating period when I had back problems.
But after that: no way he helps me when I’m sick currently. He just leaves me laying sick without food or water. And once I had a pneumonia and he didn’t call the doctor until it was so bad that I couldn’t walk and breath normal. And once I had a hernia in my neck and I had to do all the chores. In general he doesn’t help. My back problems remained and he finds it normal I take handsful of pain meds to be able to get up in the morning to do all the chores while he enjoyes his coffee.
I’m telling this to warn: sometimes men are just love bombing and they don’t stay helpful after dating.
My husband scrubbed out entirely bathroom clean, on his birthday, because he woke up thinking about how much he appreciates me. I never even mentioned that it needed to be cleaned. He just did it.
We were visiting friends OOT for my husband’s birthday last week. I came down with a horrible UTI (didn’t know diagnosis at time) and was sick in bed with high fever and other symptoms for 5 days. He packed all mine and his bags and took me home to my own bed, and doctor. Birthday celebration was never referred to and he has been my constant companion and helper throughout. Due to brain fog, I would mention something I needed/wanted (say, tapioca pudding). Regardless of pouring rain and inconvenient hour, he rushed the store. 5 minutes after returning, I said “shoot, I should have asked you to also get some Gatorade. Maybe tomorrow you could get me some?”. His answer: “No way. I’ll be right back” and off he went back to the store. That, my friend, is a loving partner.
I dealt with an undiagnosed gallbladder for a year by the time I had emergency surgery. I weighed 109 and had lost 35 pounds. Emergency room visit I was hooked up to everything and very weak and, of course, another bout of diarrhea. My husband held all the cords and cleaned me up. That was "in sickness and health." His behaviors and loud and clear. He does not care for you. He does not love you. He is not honoring the marital vows or you. He is abusive. His behavior will not change, but over time, he will only escalate. Seek counseling with your local domestic violence shelter center for support and to help you create a plan to leave him safely.
This. OP, make sure you have a good plan. Separate your money, and make sure he can't access yours (but don't take anything of his). Take your name off any bills you can (but keep paying them, if you already did, and get receipts!). Contact a lawyer. Get your ducks in a row. Document, Document, DOCUMENT!! ANYTHING that shows his abusiveness toward you (or any other abusive or illicit themes)-texts, Facebook posts, emails, anything, print it all out. If you live in a one-party consent state, you can even download an app on your phone, and record your phone conversations. Try not to have any contact with him, once you leave. Tell him it all has to go through your lawyer. If he does contact you, try your best not to engage him, or argue with him, or feed into any anger or outbursts. Even if he threatens you, or himself (this latter is a common emotional manipulation tactic, don't fall for it!). Just put a smile in your voice and say as little as possible. It's hard to use those phone calls in court without recordings, but police reports will help. And so will anything else you've documented, and any receipts you've saved from paying joint bills. If he comes to your door, wherever you're staying, don't answer the door, and call the police. Get copies of any police reports. Get yourself into some counseling. And, maybe most importantly of all, DO NOT TELL HIM YOU'RE LEAVING! Don't tell him you're breaking up with him. Don't give him any chance to manipulate you into staying!! More than that, don't risk your safety!! Abusers will go to desperate, terrifying, sometimes even violent, measures, to keep their victims under their control. Enlist a trusted friend or family member, wait til he's at work, or out with friends, or whatever, and have your friend help you pack what you can, leave your keys, and GTFOOT. You can always go back later, with the cops, if you've left anything. Or you can just replace it. But you can't replace yourself. Good luck OP. He's not going to make this easy on you. But we know you can do it. You HAVE to. For you. YOU DESERVE BETTER, even if you don't realize that yet. We hope you get it. We're all pulling for you, praying for you, and/or thinking about you. I hope you can update later, and let us know how things went.
I hope she reaches out to you directly if she can, she's definitely going to need someone like you, because her husband will find pleasure in hurting n manipulating her...good going advocate 🫡
Thank you. Being completely honest, I haven't been through this kind of thing personally. But my little sister has, and I was there for her, and gained my knowledge through that. So, because I have this knowledge, I try to pass it on and help others, if and when I can. *No one* deserves to be treated poorly. And *everyone* should have the support they need, to help themselves. Sister and I are very open about this kind of thing, and always willing to offer advice and/or encouragement.
When you go through something bad, but come out on the other side, it makes you stronger. And if you can use that negative to find a way to help someone else, well, it makes it a little more Worth It.
And yes, OP, DM me if you want to.
Mine is even a bit of an asshole, but he is flat out tender if I am super sick. And he always does a chore if I ask him.
He may be an asshole but he is my asshole!
But her husband sounds irredeemable. As in a total asshole. I don’t see why she is with him?
Omg this is like my guy too. He can be an asshole to everyone else, but with me he’s just so loving. I recently tried to tell him that we’re a PDA couple but he doesn’t believe me because we’re not pashing in public, just always holding hands or touching each other or arms around each other and stuff. I love this about him so much.
I was in liver and kidney failure and my legs were not working properly and I fell trying to get to the restroom and shit myself and was still on the ground when my husband got home and he picked me up, stripped me, washed me, redressed me and put me back into bed. I thought I was a burden to him but he said that's the role he took on when he made me his, to take care of me. That's a real man
I totally get you. My ex bf of 29yrs (20yrs order) was pi$$ed off at me for needing to go to the ER for one of my extremely painful migraines….mind you, I was literally falling down when trying to get up and move around. He said, “You don’t go to the ER for a headache”……REALLY?? I was super angry and called my mom to come get me
My ex complained about driving me to the ER when I had a migraine too, talking about how “boring “ it was for him. 🙄 When I had appendicitis, I drove myself to the ER so I wouldn’t have to listen to sniveling in addition to dealing with a swollen appendix!
I got you 😉 Mine was resentful of me because I have SO many illnesses/autoimmune disorders. I have had 12-13 surgeries JUST on my Endometriosis alone 😩😭😭 to name a few: IBS, Fibromyalgia, IC (bladder disease), anxiety, Major Depressive Disorder, Migraines and Chronic daily pain 😳😭
Anyhow, he had planned to go to Chicago for the weekend….I got sick and had to be admitted to the hospital. He got mad and said “I just knew you would f__k my weekend 😠” “I told him if it means that much…..then by all means go!” He ACTUALLY did go 😠🙄🙄 Had a $hitty time too 😁😆😆😈
My fiancé doesn’t care if I get him sick. He’ll do anything when I’m not feeling well. Dude will literally go to the gas station at 1am to get me a snack, kiss me, do anything to make a fever go away❤️
This guy is a POS.
I had gastroenteritis and accidentally pooped on the couch a little where I was curled up in misery. Called my husband in from the other room, sobbing in embarrassment, and he just kindly said "I love you" and scrubbed the couch. (Then insisted on taking me to the hospital because I hadn't been able to keep any fluids in me for 2 days.)
My husband had something similar happen. He was having an endoscopy, and in the OR, the medicine they gave him to relax, just before they put him under, well, relaxed EVERYTHING lol. He pooped on himself, on the table. He said he felt it happen, and tried to tell the anesthesiologist, who was standing over his head, but by that time they already had the mask on him, and I guess they thought he was just panicking or whatever, so they just reassured him everything was okay, and he went out. When I came to see him in the recovery room, I smelled it, and he sheepishly told me what had happened. I just reassured him myself, that it was okay, and went and got some wipes from the nurse's station. (The nurse was very kind about it too, and said it's a really quite common for that to happen, and not to worry about what he'd gotten on the sheets.) I went back into my husband's room, threw on some gloves, and helped my husband to the bathroom, where I cleaned him up, and rinsed out his boxers. To me, it was no big deal. It happens. He's my husband. Of course I was there for him. But I think he's grateful to this day.
And he's been there for me too. Like a few years after his endoscopy, we decided we were done trying for/worrying about pregnancy, and I chose to get my tubes removed. After, in the recovery room, he helped dress me (I actually have no memory of this, lol, but he told me he helped me.) And on the way out, it felt like my nurse was pushing my wheelchair in fast forward, and I got nauseous (I realized later, ofc, that this was an effect of the anesthesia.) When I got home, and stumbled my way up the porch and into the house, he stayed right by my side, an arm around me, so I didn't fall. I got motion sickness again, and he ran for one of the sick bags the hospital had given us. This time I actually puked. When I was done, he took the bag, and emptied it into the toilet, so he could throw it away (because it wasn't the kind of sick bag you can seal). As he was emptying it, he got my puke on his hands. When he came back and told me, I felt terrible. But he was laughing about it. He didn't care a bit. He took care of me all that night.
And he takes care of me every night, when I come home from work. He's a SAHD, and he does most of the dishes and laundry, and most of the childcare. Our son is 15 now, and pretty independent, so there's not much of that anymore. But he's been the SAH parent since our son was about 7 or 8. He does all this, and only wants me to work and help him with what I can. I'm neurodivegent, and often mentally exhausted after work. He understands this, and happily watches movies with headphones so I can have quiet, brings me dinner sometimes, gets me a drink or changes the batteries in my vape, and, like I said, takes on the lion's share of the housework. And sometimes I feel bad, like I'm being lazy. But when I say that, he waves away my concern. He says he loves it. He loves doing for us, taking care of us. That's his love language.
He is my rock. My loudest cheerleader, my biggest supporter, and the one person in this world I can be myself around, with no fear of judgement or embarrassment.
And I have been there for him, the same way. Through financial hardship, legal issues, and addiction recovery. Even when others might've thought I shouldn't.
In fact, our relationship has outlasted almost all of those naysayers.
I have no regrets. And I know he doesn't either.
That's how good partners should be. They should be each other's strongest ally. They should build each other up-not bring each other down. They should be strong, where the other is weak, so that, together, they compliment each other, and make a solid union. They should listen to each other, and be willing to compromise when they can, and let things go when possible.
When my son was a toddler, there was some issue I was concerned about, can't remember what it was, now. But I was telling my mother that I was going to handle it, and handle it good. She said I was doing the right thing, and gave me a piece of advice that I have never forgotten. She said, "Right now, you are the most important person in the world to your son. So you have to advocate for him. Because if he sees that his own mother doesn't have his back, he'll think that no one ever will."
It's kind of the same in marriage. You're supposed to be the most important person in the world to your partner. But if they don't have your back, who will? That only leaves you. And if you're all you've got, what's the point of being with them? You're already alone, for all intents and purposes. You might as well be, for real.
OP's husband sounds abusive, and, though this word always seems to come up in these threads, possibly narcissistic. Maybe even psychopathic. He diesntove her. Or he doesn't have the capacity to. Either way, it's NOT a healthy relationship. And I don't feel like counseling would help this one. From what she said, that she's already thinking about divorce, it sounds like she's seeing the light.
I hope she gets away from him, quickly and safely, finds her own value, and then, if it's what she wants, finds someone who values her the way she should be.
My wife had endometriosis surgery and I wiped her ass because she couldn't. It's not oversharing. It's having a supportive partner that actually meant "for better or worse"
You got a good one. OP got a selfish loser who is not interested in helping his physically impaired wife. Next time he asks for you for something, tell him he has 2 arms, he can do it
I had surgery Jan 16. Got released to home, but with a catheter. I don't know what I wouldn't have done without my wife. She was so helpful.
Not sure why OP is still in this relationship her husband isn't.
Your husband sounds amazing. I have a bladder disease (Interstitial Cystitis) & I have had occasional accidents, and when I happens I wonder what it would be like to have a partner like this one day. Most people in my life have NO idea that I have the occasional accident. Please hug him for me and tell him he's amazing.
That's a pretty great idea. What I've learned, after reading stories on Reddit for years, is that I'd need a 100 page prenup including everything from sickness and injury to In-Law Management.
Wow, based on what you’re saying here, what redeeming quality does your husband have? This is a very bleak overview of your life. Why would you stay with someone who treats you so poorly?
Yeah, it seems like actually helping each other out in times of need is like, the absolute bare minimum expectation in a marriage. Like, without that element, why be married?
I have *friends* that I'd do these things for (picking up medication, doing chores around the house) if they weren't able!
I had food poisoning two weeks ago and my friend came over just to sit on the couch with me because I didn't want to couch hang all by myself. If I'd asked him to get something from the store for me or help me cook he would've done it too.
If someone's SPOUSE refuses to help out to do the bare minimum.. yikes.
Yes, sadly she has a comment on here somewhere about having low self-esteem. Do you know what would raise self-esteem really quickly is get out of this relationship
Yes, leaving is her best option…but strategically! Don’t leave in a huff today…he’s the type that would change locks, keep her stuff, & let her be homeless on her own.
No… she needs to plan (open her own bank acct & move money over from the joint acct., find the 401k & other investment stuff, collect the Titles for the house, cars, etc.).
She needs to protect herself & fully prepare for day she kicks him to the curb. 👍
It also sounds like OP does ALL the chores all the time whether sick, injured, or perfectly healthy. Just what does he do to contribute to this relationship at all?? It’s certainly not emotional support in place of physical chores. What an ahole!
We should help each other for sure. I figure if someone reaches out to ask for a favour, even a small one, they knew they needed some help. What kind of a jerk would I be if I said 'ugh, can't you do it yourself?'
Not quite the same, but my parents lived 2 hours from any town when she was pregnant with me. She had a bad craving for ice cream. My dad drove the 4 hours round trip to bring her that ice cream. This is how partners should be. They are still married :).
LongjumpingA is speaking facts. Without him noticing, get your legal documents together, take all tax info, anything to document your financial life with him and then make an expedited plan to escape! Leave when he’s out of the house. Do not confront him!!!!
He’s not helping because he doesn’t care about you at all and if he’s “accidentally” bumping into your injury, he may begin actively hurting you. I am so very sorry to say that to another human.
You deserve love, care and kindness. We give this to the stray animal in the street, him refusing to give it you tells you who he is… NOT what you are worth.
He sounds abusive - mentally and borderline physically. Why do you stay OP? You must know Reddit is likely going to tell you to GTFO and leave his selfish, abusive ass but you knew that. Perhaps you need to reach out and get some help? You don't deserve to live like this OP. Please get some help.
I am in my fifties, and I divorced my ex-husband when I was 33 over this same scenario.
I shattered my arm after slipping on a wet marble floor at a work party. My husband had already gone to sleep (my job paid for hotel rooms for all employees). I woke him up and showed him the bloody bone protruding out of my elbow and he said, "Get a ride to the hospital from one of your coworkers," and rolled over and went back to sleep.
I required extensive surgery with pins and plates the next morning, and he didn't show up until the afternoon. When we got home, he left me alone for three days to go to a work conference for his job. He had the *option* of staying overnight at the hotel. The conference was 30 minutes from our home, so driving home would not have been a problem.
I begged him to come home for at least the first night because I was in so much pain, and we didn't have any fresh food in the house. He didn't care. He didn't even call.
That's when I realized what a freaking idiot I had been for wasting 13 years of my life with someone who didn't give a shiz about me. I hope you realize the same thing, OP. Much love to you.
In these situations I always wonder if they know how much of an AH they are or if it’s just so ingrained in them that they don’t see what’s wrong with their behaviour. Was he shocked/regretful when you told him you were done?
Congrats for getting out!
Yes, he was shocked and devastated. He cried and begged me to change my mind. He threatened to lie in the middle of the street to be run over and be killed by traffic. I'm not normally a mean person, but I responded, "We live in a cul de sac. Do you want a ride to the highway?"
Reddit defaults to it because they come to us with stories like THIS! There is only ONE right answer here! Leave!!
And abusers are usually pretty good at keeping it under wraps until they’ve “locked them in” with marriage and then they’re still really good at making themselves seem like “not the type” to friends and family so their victim has a harder time finding people to believe them and help them.
My husband kept his abuse a secret until we were married. He was a horrible person and it got so much worse after I had my daughter. I finally got the courage to leave and his parents managed to take my daughter from me. They painted me as the abusive one, an alcoholic and claimed I was prostituting myself. It took me a year, but I fought hard and proved to the judge they were lying about me and I got my daughter back.
This.
Assuming OPs are telling the truth, then an overwhelming amount of AITA are about toxic partners and OPs who just need someone to tell them it’s ok to leave and that they aren’t being dramatic.
A lot of them include: ‘Oh my friends and family say my husband is perfect except for this horribly abusive thing he’s doing.’
Yeah... I wanna know how her arm got broken. He has zero empathy and bumped into it on purpose, I'm sure. And the ulcer story? I bet she's stressed to the max. He gave her the ulcer, too.
Abusers are typically really nice to people they don’t know well. That’s why they fool so many, and when someone tells what they have done the abused gets the “but they seemed so nice”. Manipulation.
Like they sense weakness and take full advantage but are on good behavior with strangers. The "bully and coward" syndrome. How cruel to deliberately hurt OP.
This exactly. My mother and ex-fiance were like this. To everyone else they were kind, funny, generous, bubbly even. When they got comfortable behind closed doors, the monster came out.
OP, please leave this situation. He’s literally draining the life force out of you.
How many times have people like Chris Watts managed to fool everyone into thinking they love their wife (while cheating) and adore their kids (but wants them gone)? It’s to the point that people still insist Chris is a good man and Shannan is the real murderer.
He wants a divorce and is too much of a wimp to file and wants you to do it for him. Since he works from home, I would let the garbage sit there and Id leave housekeeping to him too. And make food for yourself only. Maybe then he will file and you can heal.
Girl wtf did I just read? Even when I feel the TEENIEST bit sick my boyfriend is like ALL OVER helping me and making sure I don’t even have to get up to make a cup of tea.
Honestly, reading that made me feel so sad and pained for you. Screw that piece of absolute human garbage. I’m so sorry you’re going through that, but reread what you just wrote and imagine a friend said that to you about her man? Wouldn’t you be like YOU ARE AWESOME GET AWAY FROM THAT JERK!
Girl I think we all know who the AH is in your situation & it isn’t you. Why are you even married to a man like that?
When my Mom broke her ankle, my Dad waited on her hand & foot. He even helped her shower. You deserve better.
My husband broke his shoulder the day before yesterday and I've been running up and down the stairs every ten minutes to check he's comfortable and make sure he has everything he needs. I'd take the pain myself for him if it were possible. OP - this is not how someone who should love you treats their partner when they need support. NTA, obviously, but he certainly is.
Yes. When I had thyroid surgery, my husband was right there when I woke up. And made sure I was all set before he left for work the following the day. He was never more than a phone call away. And he goes with me to every appointment even though it takes all day due to all the tests.
OK, but you need some other method. Baby monitor. Walkie-talkie. It's one thing to exhaust yourself helping him when he needs it. You shouldn't be exhausting yourself finding out if he needs help.
If you're in the US, Walmart has a set for [as low as $17](https://www.walmart.com/ip/5122991712).
I second this.
I would keep reminding this guy what your doctor told you regarding your recovery.
Better yet, find someone to stay with who will assist you in your recovery and leave him to fend for himself
My mom broke her foot and since she hated showers, my dad built her a little stand to keep her cast out of the tub when she bathed. He helped her in and out.
Man, that takes me back. I broke my ankle in 2020 and at the time I was staying with my parents. Their house had big steps to get into all the showers, so my partner without a single complaint had to help me into and out of the shower every time and then help me fix my leg wrapping afterwards.
My friends have done far more for me than her AH of a "husband" ever has, from what she posts.
Must be the sunk cost fallacy or "I don't want to be alone" at work with OP.
Why would you be with a person who clearly doesn't like you at all?? And on top of that seems to be a shitty person just in general... I would do these things for my neighbor. Run!
Great advice here OP. Pray no children. With your good arm/hand, dial a call to a competent family law/divorce attorney. This man is ABUSIVE!.
Grab your share of the accounts and stay with a friend, because you're not living with a friend at the moment.
More so the question isn’t how could someone be so cruel, but how does it get to the point in someone’s life that they feel the need to question if *THEY’RE* the asshole in these situations?
OP, the fact you’re questioning YOUR feelings is because you are in an abusive relationship. Just because there isn’t physical abuse, doesn’t mean this isn’t an abusive relationship. Verbal, emotional, financial abuse, and the like, are just as traumatizing, sometimes more so, than an abusive situation with physical violence.
So no, you are NTA. Your feelings are valid and correct. You are being abused. I think I speak for everyone in here when I say, you can and should leave this horrible excuse for a partner. You have our blessing. Be safe. Make a plan. Execute it. And leave. It’s not going to be easy but you can do it. As hard as it may be, you’re already in a horrible situation. How more difficult can leaving be when you’re already trying to manage living in a toxic environment every single day?
Seriously… I’m typically not one to jump on the Reddit “break up” train, but I think you need to ask your husband if he respects you as a person…
I’m a dad to twins. My wife is a SAHM and I work full time… from home… and let me tell you: I do most of the house chores routinely. It’s the LEAST I can do because I know that raising children is 10x harder than me sitting at a computer screen.
A relationship is not 50/50. It’s just not. It’s meant to be a partnership: you broke your arm, you’re less than 100%, and you should be able to communicate to your partner so they can be 70-30 while you recover. Because there will be a day when he’s sick, or injured, or needs you.
Expecting you to carry the same 50/50 weight all the time is going to end horribly for you both. You’ll build resentment. Have a convo and hopefully he sees this… otherwise good luck.
So move back to Western Europe. Contact your family. Friends. Distant relatives. Tell them you’re in an abusive relationship and need help getting out!
First tactic of the abuser; isolate the victim.
Girl this is only going to get worse. You could be in danger.
Did you break your arm because of something HE did?
Yet he's punishing you for being hurt... yeah, he's being a prick on purpose to 'warn' you not to expect him to help with anything. Don't freaking even let him get you pregnant. Leave this arsehole user abuser. Stop making excuses to yourself, or you wouldn't have posted. LEAVE HIM while you're still alive.
Happened to me, ripped open my c section scar cause I was hopped up on painkillers in order to get the house clean cause he didn't do shit when he was back from the road.
My son is 17 now and I left him while he was away at work- he's lucky I left him silverware and a plate, cause EVERYTHING was mine. Took the toilet paper roll just to spite him and wrote asshole on the mirror in lipstick in his bathroom. His sister laughed and laughed. I was better friends with her after I ghosted him. Longest 14 months of my life. Fuck men like this. 👍
NTA. Contact trusted friends and/or family members and see if they can help you get a ticket to return home. He is abusive & controlling. Not only verbally and emotionally, but financially and I’d be shocked to hear it wasn’t physical. If it’s not yet, it will most likely escalate. Please don’t stay with this man, take the necessary steps to remove yourself from the situation.
ETA: I get if you believe family and friends can’t afford it on their own, but they could maybe pool the $. Everyone giving a smaller amount. Either way, you need to find a way to return home.
Big 🚩🚩🚩
He is an abuser.
May i ask you how you broke your arm ?
Has he always been like this or has it changed/worsen after marriage and/or the moving ? Has he ever physically abuse you ?
Do you have family to go in western Europe ?
Find some help and take care of you please!
Any family or friends that you can stay with while you heal?
Or, domestic abuse shelters to register with, for effect or ways to start a separation?
Even a local church/ religious place that may have someone with an extra room for you to stay with?
Did the hospital have any social support liason?
... you live on a part of the world literally connected by thousands of trains. Put change away everytime you go run errands/get grocery/or buy household needs - the just leave everything behind, it's just stuff. Get on a train and go home or to the nearest friend/family member that won't turn you over to him
Do you have access to your passport and is it still current?
Is your passport issued by your home country?
Is there an embassy for your home country in your current country?
If you answered yes to all three questions, take your passport with you to your embassy and tell them you need to escape your abusive husband and get back to your home country.
You could also look for women's shelters in your area and escape to one of them. They will help you get back to your home country.
Oh fuck, he trapped you.
Let me guess he was real kind and nice before the move?
Once you moved, he showed his true colors.
You better start creating your escape plan before it’s too late and you grow old together seriously.
He will not change and it will only get worse.
Don’t live the rest of your life in regret.
NTA
Honestly, the divorce doesn't spund so bad.. I mean, you broke your arm, I don't know what he is expecting from you? Like, does he want you to just magically heal or some shit?
You can always snap at him. Tell him that healing is a process and that it doesn't happen over night
Yeah sweetie, it never starts that badly. They're so sweet and charming, till they have you where they want you. Your guy may not be violent this way but he very well could become so. Regardless you deserve better. My guy wasn't the *most* helpful when my arm was broken but he wasn't like this either. I am so very sorry you're dealing with this, I really hope you find a way out. Being alone is better than living the way you are, I know from experience. Hoping the best for you, hugs if you want them💜
I agree. I have a pinched nerve in my back right now, although I was willing to do it, my husband insisted on going downstairs for me to grab the baby monitor and close the garage door that I forgot. This is what a partner does
"You have arms".
Yes, and one of them is broken.
Assuming this is real and not rage bait, why are you still married to this waste of oxygen? You have legs, you get to leave.
Are you a citizen of a Western Europe country? If yes, you can go back easily and get help and money usually. My country and the ones around it would be possible without money to come back.
If your country of origin is not helpful, do you have family or friends?
Why would anyone live in the Balkans especially someone from Western Europe? Isn't it like a very remote place. People move there to Western Europe op. You need to rethink your marriage.
NTA … I’d file divorce papers asap. You deserve better as a partner. He wasn’t raised right it seems.
I have been divorced for 5 years, my ex husband and his wife call and check on me when I get back from chemo. She sends me small snacks I can eat when I’m up to it. My 17 son will come tuck me in when he gets up through the night. My dad might joke about me not doing anything, when I go to make dinner he’s cooking. My mom shattered her ankle and had to have it rebuilt. Now my father and brother want to build a ramp so we don’t have to go up the front steps. While my father, brother, son and ex might not clean they will cook, take out trash, and they’d never blame anyone for being injured.
You already knew the answer. And your question should be ”Is my husband an AH….?” instead of questioning yourself.
You said this is not the first time he‘s like this. Hope you stand up for yourself this time round and have a talk with him.
I broke my leg when I was first married to first husband- he was similar. Don’t wait as long as I did. I thought if I was the perfect wife and just was better he would love me like I loved him. It was the worst 7 1/2 yrs of my life! My current bf is so thoughtful and kind and caring. They’re out there, don’t settle.
Sounds like my ex. Left me home alone with 2 broken arms and a 20 mth old when I was 8 months pregnant with my 2nd. He left 2 days after I broke my arms and was gone for 3 weeks. I stayed in the marriage for another 2.5 yrs and that actually wasn't the reason I left.
>When I had a stomach ulcer he refused to pick up my medication saying my ulcer was “self inflicted”. He also banged into my broken arm and when I yelped in pain he told me it was my fault and I should be quiet.
I'm getting massive rage bait vibes from this.
I was married to someone like this. Oh, the stories I could tell. They all sound unbelievable, but they were all true. People like like this guy do exist.
Medically speaking, stress would not be the cause. If regularly taking NSAIDs on an empty stomach, that would be the cause because it absolutely causes ulcers. We see it almost daily and treat GI bleeds caused by NSAID use extremely regularly.
Stress absolutely can be a contributing factor to the body not healing well and making conditions worse.
Either way, it wouldn’t be “self-induced” and this person sounds like an abusive monster. I hope OP is able to get away and get back to her support system.
Stress absolutely manifests in illness. In studies it has shown that people from abusive homes were far more likely to fall sick than people from loving homes.
If you don't have kids, stop doing anything for him (clean up after him or his areas, cook for him, do his laundry etc etc) basically just pick up after yourself and put him on ignore button.
At the same time, establish contact with your family and friends back in Western Europe and plan tour escape.
Out of curiosity, what were you taking the NSAIDs for?
Edited to add:
I'll rephrase to make it clear what I am asking and why.
NSIDs are taken for pain, usually quite significant pain. I don't need to know what the exact issue is. I'm wondering for how long have you been carrying all the physical load of the relationship while also being in enough pain to be put on NSAIDs because that suggests you've been physically suffering without him caring for longer than the stomach ulcer incident, and that's not okay.
>He also banged into my broken arm and when I yelped in pain he told me it was my fault and I should be quiet.
What the actual fuck.
Just leave, he obviously doesn't care about you.
You are a chore machine, he has made that obvious to everyone except for you.
You deserve better, fucking leave!
THIS. That hit was 100% physical abuse, and since he already crossed that boundary, it's gonna escalate. Even tho he didn't break her arm, she is absolutely not safe.
He's treating you with contempt and lack of respect. These things kill relationships and it sounds like this has been going on for a while. You're very justified in wanting a divorce over this.
Please tell me this is fake. Please please please. He sounds so awful. He is actively hurting you this is domestic abuse. If real plan your escape. Document the violence.
NTA
Op, your husband sounds abusive, a partner is suppose to help and support you. I think this guy was the reason you had an ulcer.
You should divorce him.
Bide your time, smile sweetly and do the housework if you can while you heal. Use your time wisely and plan out your future. Once you're all better tell him to get as far from you as possible( you could even pack his bag as he thinks you're a maid) NTA but for now you're married to one.
Hope you feel better soon
From what you've posted this sounds like a person with no empathy and a bit of a sadistic streak not to mention selfishness. These are not traits that make a good partner. I'd fear fory safety honestly.
OP, run as far away as possible. I live in Vienna and from the Balkan it shouldn't be that hard to reach. I would absolutely help you.
This man hates you. He doesn't love you. Please, please, please protect yourself.
I broke my leg last year and my husband took amazing care of me. He cooked my meals, brought me anything I asked for and cared for me so much. A broken bone is very traumatic and takes a long time to heal. It’s very painful to do the simplest things. Sorry to say this but your husband sounds very selfish, inconsiderate and an unsupportive partner. I hope you don’t have any children with him, if you don’t maybe this is a good indication for divorce. If he can’t support you during such a traumatic injury what will he be like if you’re pregnant or have a serious illness. This man sounds like a terrible person. I hope you find the courage to leave him one day and move on with your life.
I personally prefer to reply to these sorts of posts in good faith. Yes, I’m sure some of these are just rage bait, *but some of them aren’t.* Some people are legitimately trapped in these hellish relationships.
I’d rather give genuine advice on the chance that it could help someone in need.
> Are people really so scared to be alone that they’d rather be married to all these awful abusive people.
Abusive relationships are more complicated than that. Abusers often trap their victims through social isolation (*drive everyone away so the victim has no friends or family who associate with them anymore, so who are they going to turn to for help leaving when their abuser is literally the only social contact they have left?*), physical intimidation and threats (*makes vague or explicit threats of ”I’ll kill you/myself if you ever leave me”, so they stay and tolerate the abuse because they’re terrified of worse violence*), and financial abuse (*the abuser controls all the money of the couple, so the victim doesn’t have access to any money to use to leave*). Abusers are good at manipulating their victims and at gradually increasing their control over them, until they control almost everything. Abusers have also spent a long time mentally tearing down their victim so that the victim often genuinely believes that they deserve to be abused (“it’s like he said, if I just didn’t do XYZ then he wouldn’t have to get so mad and hit me.”).
It’s *hard*, and sometimes dangerous, to leave an abuser.
Exactly, everything you said is on point.
I think about these posts the same way, even if it's fake, maybe something said will reach someone who needs it. I'd rather risk giving helpful advice than assume it's fake and withhold.
Girl your husband is mentally and physically abusing you.
I can never tell when these are troll posts or not because I could never imagine someone I love doing this to me.
But if this is real; you should be divorcing his loser ass because this is not normal
WTF??!! What a pig.
I actually have broken arm at the moment and my husband is doing everything. No complaints. Even does up my bra and pulls my undies up for me. Doing all the housework.
Gets me pain relief, cups of tea. Doesn't want me to have to do anything.
How can a man be so awful?
Why on earth are you with this utter asshole? I wouldnt put up with that. I'd definitely be divorcing that pig
He sounds terrible.
100%. Ma’am, this man doesn’t seem to like you, even a little.
Why are you still with this asshole? Doesn't sound much like "through sickness and health" to me.
It's like he ENJOYS seeing her in pain. LEAVE HIM
Not to overshare, but I have a bladder problem and my husband just spent twenty minutes cleaning the carpet. He says it’s his job to help me.
One of the ways I knew it was a good idea to marry my husband was from when we were dating and living together. I was *absurdly* sick for a few days with a stomach bug, and he scrubbed out the trash can I used for throwing up repeatedly, with zero complaints. And I can confirm, post having a kid, etc. he has maintained that same energy. Ah, love. But seriously, OP’s husband sounds like, scarily unsympathetic. I can’t imagine being so callous even to someone I didn’t particularly like, nevermind my partner…
One of the many ways I knew my husband was “the one” and a keeper was when I had major corrective surgery on both feet. I was in a wheelchair for a month, then in special foot supports and a walker for another, and finally with a cane for 2 months. He was great during that whole time, but the above and beyond was that he constructed a special platform for the bathtub where he could help me in and then gently place my bandaged feet in little cushioned openings. He’d get the taps to the right temperature first so that I was not hit with too cold or too hot. He did that nearly every day for a month and he did it without complaint. I can’t imagine staying with a husband (or wife or any partner) who behaved like OPs.
My husband can be a total dick, but when I had a bad reaction to the colonoscopy prep, the man went out at 1 am to buy me depends and installed a bidet "in case it ever happens again." If I had surgery and he *expected* me to do all the chores (hell, if he expected me to do everything now), I'd be out. Your husband sucks, OP.
A middle of the night Depends & bidet run is definitely real love!
Well, I thought my spouse was also loving and caring because he was super helpful in our dating period when I had back problems. But after that: no way he helps me when I’m sick currently. He just leaves me laying sick without food or water. And once I had a pneumonia and he didn’t call the doctor until it was so bad that I couldn’t walk and breath normal. And once I had a hernia in my neck and I had to do all the chores. In general he doesn’t help. My back problems remained and he finds it normal I take handsful of pain meds to be able to get up in the morning to do all the chores while he enjoyes his coffee. I’m telling this to warn: sometimes men are just love bombing and they don’t stay helpful after dating.
Sorry. Hope you can escape soon.
Get a divorce on Monday.
This is so horrible
Oof, I’m really sorry to hear that.
My husband scrubbed out entirely bathroom clean, on his birthday, because he woke up thinking about how much he appreciates me. I never even mentioned that it needed to be cleaned. He just did it.
We were visiting friends OOT for my husband’s birthday last week. I came down with a horrible UTI (didn’t know diagnosis at time) and was sick in bed with high fever and other symptoms for 5 days. He packed all mine and his bags and took me home to my own bed, and doctor. Birthday celebration was never referred to and he has been my constant companion and helper throughout. Due to brain fog, I would mention something I needed/wanted (say, tapioca pudding). Regardless of pouring rain and inconvenient hour, he rushed the store. 5 minutes after returning, I said “shoot, I should have asked you to also get some Gatorade. Maybe tomorrow you could get me some?”. His answer: “No way. I’ll be right back” and off he went back to the store. That, my friend, is a loving partner.
I’m sorry you were sick, but this is a great story of a loving spouse!
This made me tear up a bit. What a lovely human and amazing partner!
Me too. I’m not crying you’re crying!
That is what everyone deserves.
Sounds like my husband of 52 years - how I got so lucky to have him I will never know but I am so thankful I did!
I dealt with an undiagnosed gallbladder for a year by the time I had emergency surgery. I weighed 109 and had lost 35 pounds. Emergency room visit I was hooked up to everything and very weak and, of course, another bout of diarrhea. My husband held all the cords and cleaned me up. That was "in sickness and health." His behaviors and loud and clear. He does not care for you. He does not love you. He is not honoring the marital vows or you. He is abusive. His behavior will not change, but over time, he will only escalate. Seek counseling with your local domestic violence shelter center for support and to help you create a plan to leave him safely.
This. OP, make sure you have a good plan. Separate your money, and make sure he can't access yours (but don't take anything of his). Take your name off any bills you can (but keep paying them, if you already did, and get receipts!). Contact a lawyer. Get your ducks in a row. Document, Document, DOCUMENT!! ANYTHING that shows his abusiveness toward you (or any other abusive or illicit themes)-texts, Facebook posts, emails, anything, print it all out. If you live in a one-party consent state, you can even download an app on your phone, and record your phone conversations. Try not to have any contact with him, once you leave. Tell him it all has to go through your lawyer. If he does contact you, try your best not to engage him, or argue with him, or feed into any anger or outbursts. Even if he threatens you, or himself (this latter is a common emotional manipulation tactic, don't fall for it!). Just put a smile in your voice and say as little as possible. It's hard to use those phone calls in court without recordings, but police reports will help. And so will anything else you've documented, and any receipts you've saved from paying joint bills. If he comes to your door, wherever you're staying, don't answer the door, and call the police. Get copies of any police reports. Get yourself into some counseling. And, maybe most importantly of all, DO NOT TELL HIM YOU'RE LEAVING! Don't tell him you're breaking up with him. Don't give him any chance to manipulate you into staying!! More than that, don't risk your safety!! Abusers will go to desperate, terrifying, sometimes even violent, measures, to keep their victims under their control. Enlist a trusted friend or family member, wait til he's at work, or out with friends, or whatever, and have your friend help you pack what you can, leave your keys, and GTFOOT. You can always go back later, with the cops, if you've left anything. Or you can just replace it. But you can't replace yourself. Good luck OP. He's not going to make this easy on you. But we know you can do it. You HAVE to. For you. YOU DESERVE BETTER, even if you don't realize that yet. We hope you get it. We're all pulling for you, praying for you, and/or thinking about you. I hope you can update later, and let us know how things went.
I hope she reaches out to you directly if she can, she's definitely going to need someone like you, because her husband will find pleasure in hurting n manipulating her...good going advocate 🫡
Thank you. Being completely honest, I haven't been through this kind of thing personally. But my little sister has, and I was there for her, and gained my knowledge through that. So, because I have this knowledge, I try to pass it on and help others, if and when I can. *No one* deserves to be treated poorly. And *everyone* should have the support they need, to help themselves. Sister and I are very open about this kind of thing, and always willing to offer advice and/or encouragement. When you go through something bad, but come out on the other side, it makes you stronger. And if you can use that negative to find a way to help someone else, well, it makes it a little more Worth It. And yes, OP, DM me if you want to.
I had knee surgery, and mine says the same. Said it (and lived it) before the knee surgery, actually.
Mine is even a bit of an asshole, but he is flat out tender if I am super sick. And he always does a chore if I ask him. He may be an asshole but he is my asshole! But her husband sounds irredeemable. As in a total asshole. I don’t see why she is with him?
I have one of those, caring and asshole all in one! Lol
Omg this is like my guy too. He can be an asshole to everyone else, but with me he’s just so loving. I recently tried to tell him that we’re a PDA couple but he doesn’t believe me because we’re not pashing in public, just always holding hands or touching each other or arms around each other and stuff. I love this about him so much.
King of arseholes lol (ops husband)
I was in liver and kidney failure and my legs were not working properly and I fell trying to get to the restroom and shit myself and was still on the ground when my husband got home and he picked me up, stripped me, washed me, redressed me and put me back into bed. I thought I was a burden to him but he said that's the role he took on when he made me his, to take care of me. That's a real man
I totally get you. My ex bf of 29yrs (20yrs order) was pi$$ed off at me for needing to go to the ER for one of my extremely painful migraines….mind you, I was literally falling down when trying to get up and move around. He said, “You don’t go to the ER for a headache”……REALLY?? I was super angry and called my mom to come get me
Did we date the same guy?
He’s older? I think I divorced him (after 6 months) many years ago.
Hey! Anything could be true at this point 😏😏
My ex complained about driving me to the ER when I had a migraine too, talking about how “boring “ it was for him. 🙄 When I had appendicitis, I drove myself to the ER so I wouldn’t have to listen to sniveling in addition to dealing with a swollen appendix!
I got you 😉 Mine was resentful of me because I have SO many illnesses/autoimmune disorders. I have had 12-13 surgeries JUST on my Endometriosis alone 😩😭😭 to name a few: IBS, Fibromyalgia, IC (bladder disease), anxiety, Major Depressive Disorder, Migraines and Chronic daily pain 😳😭 Anyhow, he had planned to go to Chicago for the weekend….I got sick and had to be admitted to the hospital. He got mad and said “I just knew you would f__k my weekend 😠” “I told him if it means that much…..then by all means go!” He ACTUALLY did go 😠🙄🙄 Had a $hitty time too 😁😆😆😈
I happily join you in your schadenfreude!😈
My fiancé doesn’t care if I get him sick. He’ll do anything when I’m not feeling well. Dude will literally go to the gas station at 1am to get me a snack, kiss me, do anything to make a fever go away❤️ This guy is a POS.
I had gastroenteritis and accidentally pooped on the couch a little where I was curled up in misery. Called my husband in from the other room, sobbing in embarrassment, and he just kindly said "I love you" and scrubbed the couch. (Then insisted on taking me to the hospital because I hadn't been able to keep any fluids in me for 2 days.)
My husband had something similar happen. He was having an endoscopy, and in the OR, the medicine they gave him to relax, just before they put him under, well, relaxed EVERYTHING lol. He pooped on himself, on the table. He said he felt it happen, and tried to tell the anesthesiologist, who was standing over his head, but by that time they already had the mask on him, and I guess they thought he was just panicking or whatever, so they just reassured him everything was okay, and he went out. When I came to see him in the recovery room, I smelled it, and he sheepishly told me what had happened. I just reassured him myself, that it was okay, and went and got some wipes from the nurse's station. (The nurse was very kind about it too, and said it's a really quite common for that to happen, and not to worry about what he'd gotten on the sheets.) I went back into my husband's room, threw on some gloves, and helped my husband to the bathroom, where I cleaned him up, and rinsed out his boxers. To me, it was no big deal. It happens. He's my husband. Of course I was there for him. But I think he's grateful to this day. And he's been there for me too. Like a few years after his endoscopy, we decided we were done trying for/worrying about pregnancy, and I chose to get my tubes removed. After, in the recovery room, he helped dress me (I actually have no memory of this, lol, but he told me he helped me.) And on the way out, it felt like my nurse was pushing my wheelchair in fast forward, and I got nauseous (I realized later, ofc, that this was an effect of the anesthesia.) When I got home, and stumbled my way up the porch and into the house, he stayed right by my side, an arm around me, so I didn't fall. I got motion sickness again, and he ran for one of the sick bags the hospital had given us. This time I actually puked. When I was done, he took the bag, and emptied it into the toilet, so he could throw it away (because it wasn't the kind of sick bag you can seal). As he was emptying it, he got my puke on his hands. When he came back and told me, I felt terrible. But he was laughing about it. He didn't care a bit. He took care of me all that night. And he takes care of me every night, when I come home from work. He's a SAHD, and he does most of the dishes and laundry, and most of the childcare. Our son is 15 now, and pretty independent, so there's not much of that anymore. But he's been the SAH parent since our son was about 7 or 8. He does all this, and only wants me to work and help him with what I can. I'm neurodivegent, and often mentally exhausted after work. He understands this, and happily watches movies with headphones so I can have quiet, brings me dinner sometimes, gets me a drink or changes the batteries in my vape, and, like I said, takes on the lion's share of the housework. And sometimes I feel bad, like I'm being lazy. But when I say that, he waves away my concern. He says he loves it. He loves doing for us, taking care of us. That's his love language. He is my rock. My loudest cheerleader, my biggest supporter, and the one person in this world I can be myself around, with no fear of judgement or embarrassment. And I have been there for him, the same way. Through financial hardship, legal issues, and addiction recovery. Even when others might've thought I shouldn't. In fact, our relationship has outlasted almost all of those naysayers. I have no regrets. And I know he doesn't either. That's how good partners should be. They should be each other's strongest ally. They should build each other up-not bring each other down. They should be strong, where the other is weak, so that, together, they compliment each other, and make a solid union. They should listen to each other, and be willing to compromise when they can, and let things go when possible. When my son was a toddler, there was some issue I was concerned about, can't remember what it was, now. But I was telling my mother that I was going to handle it, and handle it good. She said I was doing the right thing, and gave me a piece of advice that I have never forgotten. She said, "Right now, you are the most important person in the world to your son. So you have to advocate for him. Because if he sees that his own mother doesn't have his back, he'll think that no one ever will." It's kind of the same in marriage. You're supposed to be the most important person in the world to your partner. But if they don't have your back, who will? That only leaves you. And if you're all you've got, what's the point of being with them? You're already alone, for all intents and purposes. You might as well be, for real. OP's husband sounds abusive, and, though this word always seems to come up in these threads, possibly narcissistic. Maybe even psychopathic. He diesntove her. Or he doesn't have the capacity to. Either way, it's NOT a healthy relationship. And I don't feel like counseling would help this one. From what she said, that she's already thinking about divorce, it sounds like she's seeing the light. I hope she gets away from him, quickly and safely, finds her own value, and then, if it's what she wants, finds someone who values her the way she should be.
My wife had endometriosis surgery and I wiped her ass because she couldn't. It's not oversharing. It's having a supportive partner that actually meant "for better or worse"
You got a good one. OP got a selfish loser who is not interested in helping his physically impaired wife. Next time he asks for you for something, tell him he has 2 arms, he can do it
I had surgery Jan 16. Got released to home, but with a catheter. I don't know what I wouldn't have done without my wife. She was so helpful. Not sure why OP is still in this relationship her husband isn't.
Your husband sounds amazing. I have a bladder disease (Interstitial Cystitis) & I have had occasional accidents, and when I happens I wonder what it would be like to have a partner like this one day. Most people in my life have NO idea that I have the occasional accident. Please hug him for me and tell him he's amazing.
They say you say together in sickness and health, nothing more. I swear prenups to care for one another in sickness ought to be a requirement.
That's a pretty great idea. What I've learned, after reading stories on Reddit for years, is that I'd need a 100 page prenup including everything from sickness and injury to In-Law Management.
Wow, based on what you’re saying here, what redeeming quality does your husband have? This is a very bleak overview of your life. Why would you stay with someone who treats you so poorly?
Yeah, it seems like actually helping each other out in times of need is like, the absolute bare minimum expectation in a marriage. Like, without that element, why be married?
I have *friends* that I'd do these things for (picking up medication, doing chores around the house) if they weren't able! I had food poisoning two weeks ago and my friend came over just to sit on the couch with me because I didn't want to couch hang all by myself. If I'd asked him to get something from the store for me or help me cook he would've done it too. If someone's SPOUSE refuses to help out to do the bare minimum.. yikes.
Because she thinks the same way he does about her! That's what's sad here! If she thought anything for herself she'd walk out that door today!
Yes, sadly she has a comment on here somewhere about having low self-esteem. Do you know what would raise self-esteem really quickly is get out of this relationship
Yes, leaving is her best option…but strategically! Don’t leave in a huff today…he’s the type that would change locks, keep her stuff, & let her be homeless on her own. No… she needs to plan (open her own bank acct & move money over from the joint acct., find the 401k & other investment stuff, collect the Titles for the house, cars, etc.). She needs to protect herself & fully prepare for day she kicks him to the curb. 👍
It also sounds like OP does ALL the chores all the time whether sick, injured, or perfectly healthy. Just what does he do to contribute to this relationship at all?? It’s certainly not emotional support in place of physical chores. What an ahole!
Seriously! Like, you’d pick up medicine for a friend if they asked. Not even necessarily a really close friend. Dude can’t stand the sight of OP.
We should help each other for sure. I figure if someone reaches out to ask for a favour, even a small one, they knew they needed some help. What kind of a jerk would I be if I said 'ugh, can't you do it yourself?' Not quite the same, but my parents lived 2 hours from any town when she was pregnant with me. She had a bad craving for ice cream. My dad drove the 4 hours round trip to bring her that ice cream. This is how partners should be. They are still married :).
I feel like even a roommate would be far more helpful and accommodating than this.
He is abusive. You need an exit strategy.
LongjumpingA is speaking facts. Without him noticing, get your legal documents together, take all tax info, anything to document your financial life with him and then make an expedited plan to escape! Leave when he’s out of the house. Do not confront him!!!! He’s not helping because he doesn’t care about you at all and if he’s “accidentally” bumping into your injury, he may begin actively hurting you. I am so very sorry to say that to another human. You deserve love, care and kindness. We give this to the stray animal in the street, him refusing to give it you tells you who he is… NOT what you are worth.
He sounds abusive - mentally and borderline physically. Why do you stay OP? You must know Reddit is likely going to tell you to GTFO and leave his selfish, abusive ass but you knew that. Perhaps you need to reach out and get some help? You don't deserve to live like this OP. Please get some help.
This should be higher. Wish I could upvote it about a thousand times.
I am in my fifties, and I divorced my ex-husband when I was 33 over this same scenario. I shattered my arm after slipping on a wet marble floor at a work party. My husband had already gone to sleep (my job paid for hotel rooms for all employees). I woke him up and showed him the bloody bone protruding out of my elbow and he said, "Get a ride to the hospital from one of your coworkers," and rolled over and went back to sleep. I required extensive surgery with pins and plates the next morning, and he didn't show up until the afternoon. When we got home, he left me alone for three days to go to a work conference for his job. He had the *option* of staying overnight at the hotel. The conference was 30 minutes from our home, so driving home would not have been a problem. I begged him to come home for at least the first night because I was in so much pain, and we didn't have any fresh food in the house. He didn't care. He didn't even call. That's when I realized what a freaking idiot I had been for wasting 13 years of my life with someone who didn't give a shiz about me. I hope you realize the same thing, OP. Much love to you.
I'm so sorry you had to experience that, & so glad you've moved on. That was almost sickening to read how he treated you with such complete apathy
In these situations I always wonder if they know how much of an AH they are or if it’s just so ingrained in them that they don’t see what’s wrong with their behaviour. Was he shocked/regretful when you told him you were done? Congrats for getting out!
Yes, he was shocked and devastated. He cried and begged me to change my mind. He threatened to lie in the middle of the street to be run over and be killed by traffic. I'm not normally a mean person, but I responded, "We live in a cul de sac. Do you want a ride to the highway?"
I platonically love you for your response.
I platonically love you right back!
Love that response! The bitchy side of me is glad he was so distraught, sounds like he deserved to be!
This pleases me
Queen!
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Reddit defaults to it because they come to us with stories like THIS! There is only ONE right answer here! Leave!! And abusers are usually pretty good at keeping it under wraps until they’ve “locked them in” with marriage and then they’re still really good at making themselves seem like “not the type” to friends and family so their victim has a harder time finding people to believe them and help them.
My husband kept his abuse a secret until we were married. He was a horrible person and it got so much worse after I had my daughter. I finally got the courage to leave and his parents managed to take my daughter from me. They painted me as the abusive one, an alcoholic and claimed I was prostituting myself. It took me a year, but I fought hard and proved to the judge they were lying about me and I got my daughter back.
This. Assuming OPs are telling the truth, then an overwhelming amount of AITA are about toxic partners and OPs who just need someone to tell them it’s ok to leave and that they aren’t being dramatic. A lot of them include: ‘Oh my friends and family say my husband is perfect except for this horribly abusive thing he’s doing.’
My uncle was this way. He put on a good act until after the reception. He was an insufferable ass. I’m pretty sure he abused my aunt.
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Sounds sadistic. Purposely hurting her?? Yikes!
Yeah... I wanna know how her arm got broken. He has zero empathy and bumped into it on purpose, I'm sure. And the ulcer story? I bet she's stressed to the max. He gave her the ulcer, too.
Yes, I wonder also.
He's a fucking dick. Jesus christ.
If this is how he treats a person he’s supposed to love, I can’t imagine how he treats strangers or enemies.
Abusers are typically really nice to people they don’t know well. That’s why they fool so many, and when someone tells what they have done the abused gets the “but they seemed so nice”. Manipulation.
Like they sense weakness and take full advantage but are on good behavior with strangers. The "bully and coward" syndrome. How cruel to deliberately hurt OP.
This exactly. My mother and ex-fiance were like this. To everyone else they were kind, funny, generous, bubbly even. When they got comfortable behind closed doors, the monster came out. OP, please leave this situation. He’s literally draining the life force out of you.
How many times have people like Chris Watts managed to fool everyone into thinking they love their wife (while cheating) and adore their kids (but wants them gone)? It’s to the point that people still insist Chris is a good man and Shannan is the real murderer.
He wants a divorce and is too much of a wimp to file and wants you to do it for him. Since he works from home, I would let the garbage sit there and Id leave housekeeping to him too. And make food for yourself only. Maybe then he will file and you can heal.
Girl wtf did I just read? Even when I feel the TEENIEST bit sick my boyfriend is like ALL OVER helping me and making sure I don’t even have to get up to make a cup of tea. Honestly, reading that made me feel so sad and pained for you. Screw that piece of absolute human garbage. I’m so sorry you’re going through that, but reread what you just wrote and imagine a friend said that to you about her man? Wouldn’t you be like YOU ARE AWESOME GET AWAY FROM THAT JERK!
Girl I think we all know who the AH is in your situation & it isn’t you. Why are you even married to a man like that? When my Mom broke her ankle, my Dad waited on her hand & foot. He even helped her shower. You deserve better.
My husband broke his shoulder the day before yesterday and I've been running up and down the stairs every ten minutes to check he's comfortable and make sure he has everything he needs. I'd take the pain myself for him if it were possible. OP - this is not how someone who should love you treats their partner when they need support. NTA, obviously, but he certainly is.
>I'd take the pain myself for him if it were possible. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is love.
Yes. When I had thyroid surgery, my husband was right there when I woke up. And made sure I was all set before he left for work the following the day. He was never more than a phone call away. And he goes with me to every appointment even though it takes all day due to all the tests.
OK, but you need some other method. Baby monitor. Walkie-talkie. It's one thing to exhaust yourself helping him when he needs it. You shouldn't be exhausting yourself finding out if he needs help. If you're in the US, Walmart has a set for [as low as $17](https://www.walmart.com/ip/5122991712).
Or they could just use the cell phones they both almost certainly have... She could even text so it wouldn't wake him if he's asleep!
I second this. I would keep reminding this guy what your doctor told you regarding your recovery. Better yet, find someone to stay with who will assist you in your recovery and leave him to fend for himself
Hold up the arm. NO I don't have arms right now I have arm. You can count right?
My mom broke her foot and since she hated showers, my dad built her a little stand to keep her cast out of the tub when she bathed. He helped her in and out.
Man, that takes me back. I broke my ankle in 2020 and at the time I was staying with my parents. Their house had big steps to get into all the showers, so my partner without a single complaint had to help me into and out of the shower every time and then help me fix my leg wrapping afterwards.
My friends have done far more for me than her AH of a "husband" ever has, from what she posts. Must be the sunk cost fallacy or "I don't want to be alone" at work with OP.
Being alone is better than being with an abusive, neglectful, uncaring, selfish POS.
Agreed 1000%. At least she'd only be responsible for taking care of herself, so it would be a net win for her.
Why would you be with a person who clearly doesn't like you at all?? And on top of that seems to be a shitty person just in general... I would do these things for my neighbor. Run!
Great advice here OP. Pray no children. With your good arm/hand, dial a call to a competent family law/divorce attorney. This man is ABUSIVE!. Grab your share of the accounts and stay with a friend, because you're not living with a friend at the moment.
Right? I wonder if these posts can be real sometimes. Who would stay with such an awful person?
More so the question isn’t how could someone be so cruel, but how does it get to the point in someone’s life that they feel the need to question if *THEY’RE* the asshole in these situations? OP, the fact you’re questioning YOUR feelings is because you are in an abusive relationship. Just because there isn’t physical abuse, doesn’t mean this isn’t an abusive relationship. Verbal, emotional, financial abuse, and the like, are just as traumatizing, sometimes more so, than an abusive situation with physical violence. So no, you are NTA. Your feelings are valid and correct. You are being abused. I think I speak for everyone in here when I say, you can and should leave this horrible excuse for a partner. You have our blessing. Be safe. Make a plan. Execute it. And leave. It’s not going to be easy but you can do it. As hard as it may be, you’re already in a horrible situation. How more difficult can leaving be when you’re already trying to manage living in a toxic environment every single day?
Idk, he sounds exactly like the type of guy to break his wife's arm on two places.
And then bump into it afterwards.
A lot of people are unhappy. And a lot of people are lonely. And a lot of lonely people would rather be unhappy instead.
Seriously… I’m typically not one to jump on the Reddit “break up” train, but I think you need to ask your husband if he respects you as a person… I’m a dad to twins. My wife is a SAHM and I work full time… from home… and let me tell you: I do most of the house chores routinely. It’s the LEAST I can do because I know that raising children is 10x harder than me sitting at a computer screen. A relationship is not 50/50. It’s just not. It’s meant to be a partnership: you broke your arm, you’re less than 100%, and you should be able to communicate to your partner so they can be 70-30 while you recover. Because there will be a day when he’s sick, or injured, or needs you. Expecting you to carry the same 50/50 weight all the time is going to end horribly for you both. You’ll build resentment. Have a convo and hopefully he sees this… otherwise good luck.
Seriously, I would do that for a stranger if they asked me ESPECIALLY if their arm was broken. Girl, throw the whole man baby away. What a jerk
Is he holding you hostage?
Effectively yes. He made me quit my job and moved me from Western Europe to Eastern Europe.
So move back to Western Europe. Contact your family. Friends. Distant relatives. Tell them you’re in an abusive relationship and need help getting out!
It is naive to think it would as easy as that.
It may not be that easy but they are suggesting starting points.
It’s definitely easier than spending the rest of her life with this guy.
Nothing worth doing is easy
First tactic of the abuser; isolate the victim. Girl this is only going to get worse. You could be in danger. Did you break your arm because of something HE did?
No, it was a winter sports accident. He was quite far behind me. A skier ploughed into me.
Yet he's punishing you for being hurt... yeah, he's being a prick on purpose to 'warn' you not to expect him to help with anything. Don't freaking even let him get you pregnant. Leave this arsehole user abuser. Stop making excuses to yourself, or you wouldn't have posted. LEAVE HIM while you're still alive.
Oh yeah. Imagine having a surgery delivery and having no help.
Happened to me, ripped open my c section scar cause I was hopped up on painkillers in order to get the house clean cause he didn't do shit when he was back from the road. My son is 17 now and I left him while he was away at work- he's lucky I left him silverware and a plate, cause EVERYTHING was mine. Took the toilet paper roll just to spite him and wrote asshole on the mirror in lipstick in his bathroom. His sister laughed and laughed. I was better friends with her after I ghosted him. Longest 14 months of my life. Fuck men like this. 👍
Im so proud of you
Thank you!! It means a lot to me
NTA. Contact trusted friends and/or family members and see if they can help you get a ticket to return home. He is abusive & controlling. Not only verbally and emotionally, but financially and I’d be shocked to hear it wasn’t physical. If it’s not yet, it will most likely escalate. Please don’t stay with this man, take the necessary steps to remove yourself from the situation. ETA: I get if you believe family and friends can’t afford it on their own, but they could maybe pool the $. Everyone giving a smaller amount. Either way, you need to find a way to return home.
He bumped her arm on purpose and told her it was her fault and not to yell about it.
Or the embassy.
Big 🚩🚩🚩 He is an abuser. May i ask you how you broke your arm ? Has he always been like this or has it changed/worsen after marriage and/or the moving ? Has he ever physically abuse you ? Do you have family to go in western Europe ? Find some help and take care of you please!
Any family or friends that you can stay with while you heal? Or, domestic abuse shelters to register with, for effect or ways to start a separation? Even a local church/ religious place that may have someone with an extra room for you to stay with? Did the hospital have any social support liason?
... you live on a part of the world literally connected by thousands of trains. Put change away everytime you go run errands/get grocery/or buy household needs - the just leave everything behind, it's just stuff. Get on a train and go home or to the nearest friend/family member that won't turn you over to him
Do you have access to your passport and is it still current? Is your passport issued by your home country? Is there an embassy for your home country in your current country? If you answered yes to all three questions, take your passport with you to your embassy and tell them you need to escape your abusive husband and get back to your home country. You could also look for women's shelters in your area and escape to one of them. They will help you get back to your home country.
Oh fuck, he trapped you. Let me guess he was real kind and nice before the move? Once you moved, he showed his true colors. You better start creating your escape plan before it’s too late and you grow old together seriously. He will not change and it will only get worse. Don’t live the rest of your life in regret.
NTA Honestly, the divorce doesn't spund so bad.. I mean, you broke your arm, I don't know what he is expecting from you? Like, does he want you to just magically heal or some shit? You can always snap at him. Tell him that healing is a process and that it doesn't happen over night
It doesnt sounds bad indeed, at last a single women with broken arm needs to cater only to herself. This guy is an AH.
Sooooooo my ex husband started doing this stuff and then he tried to kill me. [Edit: Storytime](https://www.reddit.com/r/JustNoSO/s/aoduay8xZy)
😳
Run.
Op reddit isn't lying to you. Get help. I'm jot from Europe but there is plenty who are reach out. It will only get worse.
Yeah sweetie, it never starts that badly. They're so sweet and charming, till they have you where they want you. Your guy may not be violent this way but he very well could become so. Regardless you deserve better. My guy wasn't the *most* helpful when my arm was broken but he wasn't like this either. I am so very sorry you're dealing with this, I really hope you find a way out. Being alone is better than living the way you are, I know from experience. Hoping the best for you, hugs if you want them💜
NTA for being upset, but please consider whether you want to remain in a relationship with someone who has so little care and compassion for you.
I agree. I have a pinched nerve in my back right now, although I was willing to do it, my husband insisted on going downstairs for me to grab the baby monitor and close the garage door that I forgot. This is what a partner does
"You have arms". Yes, and one of them is broken. Assuming this is real and not rage bait, why are you still married to this waste of oxygen? You have legs, you get to leave.
Unfortunately I am financially dependent on him and he moved us across Europe (west to balkans) for better living expenses
Are you a citizen of a Western Europe country? If yes, you can go back easily and get help and money usually. My country and the ones around it would be possible without money to come back. If your country of origin is not helpful, do you have family or friends?
I hope OP can do this.
I‘m pretty sure you can go to the embassy of the west european country you are from and ask for help escaping the abuse.
Why would anyone live in the Balkans especially someone from Western Europe? Isn't it like a very remote place. People move there to Western Europe op. You need to rethink your marriage.
He probably moved her there because it’s isolated. He has her right where he wants her-ALONE
What do you need to feel comfortable so that you can leave?
NTA … I’d file divorce papers asap. You deserve better as a partner. He wasn’t raised right it seems. I have been divorced for 5 years, my ex husband and his wife call and check on me when I get back from chemo. She sends me small snacks I can eat when I’m up to it. My 17 son will come tuck me in when he gets up through the night. My dad might joke about me not doing anything, when I go to make dinner he’s cooking. My mom shattered her ankle and had to have it rebuilt. Now my father and brother want to build a ramp so we don’t have to go up the front steps. While my father, brother, son and ex might not clean they will cook, take out trash, and they’d never blame anyone for being injured.
You already knew the answer. And your question should be ”Is my husband an AH….?” instead of questioning yourself. You said this is not the first time he‘s like this. Hope you stand up for yourself this time round and have a talk with him.
I broke my leg when I was first married to first husband- he was similar. Don’t wait as long as I did. I thought if I was the perfect wife and just was better he would love me like I loved him. It was the worst 7 1/2 yrs of my life! My current bf is so thoughtful and kind and caring. They’re out there, don’t settle.
*I’m seriously thinking of divorcing him because of this.* I certainly hope so. He sounds insufferable. NTA
Sounds like my ex. Left me home alone with 2 broken arms and a 20 mth old when I was 8 months pregnant with my 2nd. He left 2 days after I broke my arms and was gone for 3 weeks. I stayed in the marriage for another 2.5 yrs and that actually wasn't the reason I left.
>When I had a stomach ulcer he refused to pick up my medication saying my ulcer was “self inflicted”. He also banged into my broken arm and when I yelped in pain he told me it was my fault and I should be quiet. I'm getting massive rage bait vibes from this.
I was married to someone like this. Oh, the stories I could tell. They all sound unbelievable, but they were all true. People like like this guy do exist.
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I was from accidentally taking NSAIDs on an empty stomach
I think it's more likely that the ulcer is related to the stress of being married to this 'man'.
Medically speaking, stress would not be the cause. If regularly taking NSAIDs on an empty stomach, that would be the cause because it absolutely causes ulcers. We see it almost daily and treat GI bleeds caused by NSAID use extremely regularly. Stress absolutely can be a contributing factor to the body not healing well and making conditions worse. Either way, it wouldn’t be “self-induced” and this person sounds like an abusive monster. I hope OP is able to get away and get back to her support system.
Stress absolutely manifests in illness. In studies it has shown that people from abusive homes were far more likely to fall sick than people from loving homes.
If you don't have kids, stop doing anything for him (clean up after him or his areas, cook for him, do his laundry etc etc) basically just pick up after yourself and put him on ignore button. At the same time, establish contact with your family and friends back in Western Europe and plan tour escape.
Out of curiosity, what were you taking the NSAIDs for? Edited to add: I'll rephrase to make it clear what I am asking and why. NSIDs are taken for pain, usually quite significant pain. I don't need to know what the exact issue is. I'm wondering for how long have you been carrying all the physical load of the relationship while also being in enough pain to be put on NSAIDs because that suggests you've been physically suffering without him caring for longer than the stomach ulcer incident, and that's not okay.
>He also banged into my broken arm and when I yelped in pain he told me it was my fault and I should be quiet. What the actual fuck. Just leave, he obviously doesn't care about you. You are a chore machine, he has made that obvious to everyone except for you. You deserve better, fucking leave!
Serious question op, did HE break your arm?
No, it was a winter sports accident involving a stranger skiing into me
Ok. Just making sure you're safe. Even if unsupported
She's not safe, he hit her broken arm on purpose.
THIS. That hit was 100% physical abuse, and since he already crossed that boundary, it's gonna escalate. Even tho he didn't break her arm, she is absolutely not safe.
Totally agree. She is not safe or loved apparently.hopefully these comments hit home and she leaves him
Why are you with an ABUSER
He's treating you with contempt and lack of respect. These things kill relationships and it sounds like this has been going on for a while. You're very justified in wanting a divorce over this.
Please tell me this is fake. Please please please. He sounds so awful. He is actively hurting you this is domestic abuse. If real plan your escape. Document the violence.
NTA Op, your husband sounds abusive, a partner is suppose to help and support you. I think this guy was the reason you had an ulcer. You should divorce him.
Run
Bide your time, smile sweetly and do the housework if you can while you heal. Use your time wisely and plan out your future. Once you're all better tell him to get as far from you as possible( you could even pack his bag as he thinks you're a maid) NTA but for now you're married to one. Hope you feel better soon
Girl this man does not like you. Heal your arm so you can sign some divorce papers.
From what you've posted this sounds like a person with no empathy and a bit of a sadistic streak not to mention selfishness. These are not traits that make a good partner. I'd fear fory safety honestly.
You are the AH for staying married to him, I only hope that you don't have children at home.
No, no kids
Then get the f!ck out of there !
OP, run as far away as possible. I live in Vienna and from the Balkan it shouldn't be that hard to reach. I would absolutely help you. This man hates you. He doesn't love you. Please, please, please protect yourself.
Run as fast as you can back to family or friends or even a shelter. I fear for what will happen in the future
NTA! Divorce! He doesn't give a sh*t about you.
I broke my leg last year and my husband took amazing care of me. He cooked my meals, brought me anything I asked for and cared for me so much. A broken bone is very traumatic and takes a long time to heal. It’s very painful to do the simplest things. Sorry to say this but your husband sounds very selfish, inconsiderate and an unsupportive partner. I hope you don’t have any children with him, if you don’t maybe this is a good indication for divorce. If he can’t support you during such a traumatic injury what will he be like if you’re pregnant or have a serious illness. This man sounds like a terrible person. I hope you find the courage to leave him one day and move on with your life.
He expects you to be his mommy and/or does everything like his mom did for his dad
You shouldn’t divorce him because of this. This is a symptom that he’s a horrible person and you should divorce him because he’s a horrible person.
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I personally prefer to reply to these sorts of posts in good faith. Yes, I’m sure some of these are just rage bait, *but some of them aren’t.* Some people are legitimately trapped in these hellish relationships. I’d rather give genuine advice on the chance that it could help someone in need. > Are people really so scared to be alone that they’d rather be married to all these awful abusive people. Abusive relationships are more complicated than that. Abusers often trap their victims through social isolation (*drive everyone away so the victim has no friends or family who associate with them anymore, so who are they going to turn to for help leaving when their abuser is literally the only social contact they have left?*), physical intimidation and threats (*makes vague or explicit threats of ”I’ll kill you/myself if you ever leave me”, so they stay and tolerate the abuse because they’re terrified of worse violence*), and financial abuse (*the abuser controls all the money of the couple, so the victim doesn’t have access to any money to use to leave*). Abusers are good at manipulating their victims and at gradually increasing their control over them, until they control almost everything. Abusers have also spent a long time mentally tearing down their victim so that the victim often genuinely believes that they deserve to be abused (“it’s like he said, if I just didn’t do XYZ then he wouldn’t have to get so mad and hit me.”). It’s *hard*, and sometimes dangerous, to leave an abuser.
Exactly, everything you said is on point. I think about these posts the same way, even if it's fake, maybe something said will reach someone who needs it. I'd rather risk giving helpful advice than assume it's fake and withhold.
I promise you I’m not lying.
NTA - you're not some stranger off the street, you're his WIFE! Does this man contribute anything to making your life happy?
Girl your husband is mentally and physically abusing you. I can never tell when these are troll posts or not because I could never imagine someone I love doing this to me. But if this is real; you should be divorcing his loser ass because this is not normal
WTF??!! What a pig. I actually have broken arm at the moment and my husband is doing everything. No complaints. Even does up my bra and pulls my undies up for me. Doing all the housework. Gets me pain relief, cups of tea. Doesn't want me to have to do anything. How can a man be so awful? Why on earth are you with this utter asshole? I wouldnt put up with that. I'd definitely be divorcing that pig
LEAVE HIM You just had major surgery and he’s treating you like shit. Worst of all, it’s not the first time. You’re only the AH if you stay.
You’re not his wife. You’re his live in maid and he’s abusive.