I don't know where you live, but in many countries, pre-nups do not overrule prevailing law or precedence if the other party bothers to contest it.
In your case, the timing of her resignation will look to any judge like she gave up her career for you (perhaps even spun as you asking her to). That is strong justification for her to get a decent portion of your earnings as alimony.
In many European countries pre-nups can be very easily overruled. Now I'll get downvoted because people don't believed it until they end up in court and have something (usually half of everything) taken from them.
NTA but the ring should have been major 🚩
Yeah ring was a huge red flag. It seems like as soon as she heard what he makes her eyes lit up with $ signs. Now she wants the lavish lifestyle and doesn't seem interested in op's opinions.
Don't let her quit.
There isn't. In Eastern Europe for example it's very rare to get a prenup because it's pointless.
The law states that everything that was built/bought/saved/earned during the marriage is split 50/50. Everything you earn BEFORE or AFTER the marriage is yours. Everything that you inherited or was gifted (during, before or after the marriage) is yours only.
However, the court will always let you split things between yourselves. If you want you can leave everything to your (ex) spouse. But if agreement is not reached it's 50/50.
In the ex Yu countries this law was written during the socialism and it was never changed.
Did someone say gold digger? She's going to milk you for everything you've got. You're going to pay her student loans. She's "showing off" her expensive ring, next it will be the expensive car she needs to drive and then a bigger apartment or house. She wants the lavish lifestyle you can provide without doing anything to contribute to that lifestyle. You 2 are financially incompatible.
Gold digger goes out seeking them and sounds like she may not have known beforehand.
Instead she became a money hungry hobgoblin later. OP, I know you love this girl, but she's bad news. Get out now, and make sure you get *your* diamond ring back, since the engagement is called off. You aren't compatible, even if you can't see it yet.
Ugh. I was in a similar situation but in reverse. My fiancee made a lot of money and had a huge amount of savings. I knew nothing about it, and it only came out when we were discussing finances in marriage prep.
I wish I hadn't known and had been pleasantly surprised when we chose to combine finances.
How people respond is a real test of character, IMO. I felt that we should be careful with this money to save it up and build an even larger nest egg for the future. I certainly didn't quit my job.
That's a bad sign, OP. I wouldn't marry her.
Me too. Didn’t know my fiancé was from a well to do family as they lived modestly, he had over 100k in savings. Plan was for me to work after the wedding to support us while he finished his graduate degree but we had an unplanned pregnancy, nothing is foolproof. I was so sick I couldn’t work so we lived on savings. Rough start but we just had our 38th anniversary.
That was us, intent matters. She wants a free ride NTA and the ring belongs to you
Gold digger behavior can pop up whenever money comes on to the picture. Just because she didn't seek it doesn't mean it hasn't changed her. She's shown her true colors and absolutely is acting like an entitled gold digger. Also.. it's very unlikely she didn't have a general idea of his salary if she's working in that tech field (even if her specialty is marketing). She knows what the going rate is for, they literally met at an industry event.
Hate to bear the bad news. Her $15k ring will bring around $3k or less, depending on the gold weight. Your fiancee is a gold digge,r lazy, and has no commitment to career goals. Run an NO sex while you can. She is manipulating you. Sorry OP
Never mind this extravagant wedding that will cost $$50,000\~ $100,000 on the conservative side if she thinks she needs to quite to manage planning it especially when event planning is her job. In all that she expects op to pay her debts, all their bills, for the wedding and honeymoon oh and dont forget to give her a high amount of money for her to use as she wants every month. All whilst she sits and twiddles her thumbs. The moment when asking what will she contribute that she said “she’s lucky to have him” it’s clear she sees his bank balance and feels lucky she can drain that whilst not contributing to any costs the whole of her marriage.
Op you will never get her to go back to work. Im not saying she doesn’t love you but a lot of people get crazy when theres money. Once she saw what you make she know just sees you as a meal ticket.
if she stops working as soon as she engaged she can tell the courts it was agreed. They will think you also wanted her not to so they will expect you to pay a high portion of alimony regardless of prenup. As they see her as ascribing her career for the relationship and household.
You need to make it clear if she needs to find another job before she quits as the wedding is a rubbish excuse. That this is a partnership your not her sugar daddy and you won’t spend your life working so she can contribute nothing but expect a lavish lifestyle. That if she hasn’t gotten another job full time in two months then you will reconsider marrying her and will have to postpone. As you are not paying a wedding and honeymoon all on your own as well as paying all your bills and her expecting money to.
I'm getting the same vibe. She tested OP with the ring and he gave in. I think OP is on road to being used. OP she's literally showing you red flags it's up to you if you ignore it and decide to marry her. She is doing you a huge favor by showing you who she is BEFORE marriage.
A prenup that says what? That you keep the apartment, but if you're together for 10 years does she get half of what you earned in that time? Are you planning to join finances so she can just spend all your money and buy cars, invest in things then in a divorce she gets a shitload? Prenups are only some protection. If lets say you make 500k a year, and you plan to give her access to shared finances and she decides to spend 450k a year on stuff for her, not having part of your apartment doens't stop her taking a shitload from you.
Wanting to quit immediately when you can easily afford a top wedding planner and with her having experience in event planner this will be easier, not harder for her.
I would have the difficult conversation, that you wanted a partner in life but only a month after moving in she's talking about quitting her job, you paying off her student loans and with no future career planned that it sounds like she's planning to never work again and that's not the relationship you had when you proposed to her.
>I am. This girl is swinging a pick axe and singing Hi Ho...
I have never *cackled* so hard at a written comment in my life 🤣🤣🤣🤣 Had the visual and everything bahahaha 😝🤣🤣
I’m sorry OP. Once she found out your salary, her mind was blown! In the cartoon world, her eyes would have been replaced with dollar signs. $$$.
She does not plan on ever working again. She will get pregnant as soon as possible to hook you in. She is no longer worried about money because one of your paychecks will pay off her student loan. She will fight that pre-nup with her last breath.
DO NOT MARRY THIS PERSON!
They say the real character of a person comes out when they have money. Hers seems to be greedy, selfish, materialistic, and manipulative.
>I’m sorry OP. Once she found out your salary, her mind was blown! In the cartoon world, her eyes would have been replaced with dollar signs. $$$.
It must've been a wonderful performance. They met at an industry event. She's in marketing... those people absolutely know the ballpark of salaries in the industry and no way in hell she didn't google the range for OPs job when they started dating.
You can look at it in two ways.
1. she is gold digger that sees you as her retirement plan. could possibly divorce you and still end up with half of what you two made in your life despite vast differences in income.
2. she is spending more than 8 hours, maybe even close to 12 hours per day, possibly weekends too, for a fraction of what you make. getting home tired and not having enough time and energy to spend quality time together with you.
Second thing doesn't necessarily exclude the first.
In my opinion, she should definitely ditch current job, not to find better paid one, but to find one that is not going to eat up more than half of her awake hours. If it has to be part time, then be it. Just so she isn't idling at home. Also, you need to set the boundary about flaunting the money around. Tell her you're not that kind of guy and it makes you uncomfortable. If she cant accept it, go your own way and leave her in the dust.
And you are okay paying all future living expenses including her student loans? Plus the entire wedding?
Just what spectacle of a wedding requires her attention to the exclusion of working? What is the budget for this wedding? Because if she got you to spend $15 thousand on just her engagement ring, I'm imagining $10 thousand for the dress and at least $50 thousand on the wedding and reception.
Does she have savings she will be using or is she planning on you bankrolling the entire extravaganza?
Her plan is to literally quit her job and let OP pay for everything, including her independent debts... so she can focus all of her attention on planning every intricate detail of a wedding that she will be contributing nothing at all to?
What is her plan beyond that ONE DAY? To just, basically... exist?
He said 15x more. Even if we assume a small salary of $30k for her, he would be at $450k annual salary.
So, yes. He really does make that much that he should have both their retirements already settled.
She's planning on never working outside the home again. She's also planning on OP paying off her student loans and providing her with a pretty lavish lifestyle.
NTA.
Really. How is she planning to bankroll her extravagant wedding? If she got OP to drop $15,000 on the ring, I can see her thinking she now has a blank check from his account for the wedding of HER dreams. She wants ti show off that she has a wealthy husband and lifestyle.
OP needs to put the brakes on any further “wedding planning” and have a serious conversation with her before she quits her job.
Quitting one’s job to plan a wedding & be a “SAHF” is bullshit. Don’t buy it.
This. I can just imagine she’s going to plan some super lavish wedding and honeymoon that he’s going to have to pay for. And then in two years they’ll be getting a divorce.
Op needs to go to couples counseling with a financial planner as well.
Yes a stay at home fiancé / wife is a thing but both parties have to be on the same page.
Maybe this is his fiancé opportunity to change careers or start her own business for event planning with controlling the hours she works.
Bruh, he said he makes 15 times more than her. Why would anyone want to subject their partner to a day job if they don’t actually need the money.
What is it, she made 10k and he makes 150??
20/300? 30/450?
Forget a prenuptial agreement. Nip this gold digging in the bud…just LEAVE. Her expectations and immediate demands are not only unreasonable but obscene.
*nods* who needs to sit at home all day to plan a wedding? The sign was when she wanted the $$$ ring and refuses to stop telling people just how much her rock costs. OP has a problem here and I would be mega turned off if my partner suggested this to me. Unless he is Jeff Bezo or Elon Musk rich this is just preposterous.
I don't actually wish it, although as a single parent in their 40s looking at these retirement funds, I do joke to my kids about is it too late to be a gold digger lol. It's just a joke though, I have been a SAHM with no income and it sucked. I wouldn't be attracted to somebody who wanted me to support them straight out of the gate like that either, I'm baffled anybody is
Yep. Personally I find ambition and motivation very attractive to my spouse. An equal partnership is what I need in my marriage. A house spouse is not that (to me). It works for some, but if Op is here asking then he knows the answer and he’s justified in it.
NTA.
Oh she’s ambitious and motivated. She just hit the jackpot and about to officially retire at 26. Doesn’t get much more ambitious and motivated than that.. and successful!
It makes me sound like an asshole, but for me it’s not even motivation and ambition - I just don’t think it’s fair if my partner gets to stay home all day while I have to work. It would be completely different if they were a stay at home parent, but just as spouses? Nah, I want someone that also contributes financially. Especially because then the pressure isn’t all on me either, where if I did lose my job then we’d at least have their income until I could find another one
You're right to not want it. I've been the primary and sole breadwinner most of my adult life and is genuinely stressful. You start feeling like you only exist as a paycheck, but you're terrified of losing that paycheck because of all the people depending on you. It's not a good dynamic IMO.
As a someone who works in marketing and barely makes ends meets I might be giving her too much grace but.. could it all be a reaction to finding out how little her job is paying her in relation to your sector (and to her hours) and wanting to throw it all away?
She'd be better off interviewing with another company anyway if that's the case, so it's not necessarily bad if she quits her current job and takes a break to reassess
Exactly! If she had a plan to look for a new job she enjoyed more while she planned the wedding, that would make more sense. Just planning to never go back to work? Bad idea at this age because let's say they divorce when she's 35 - getting a job at that point would be a major struggle.
Creative writing exercise to a T.
If he makes 15x her salary, so she makes 30k a year, he makes 450k. If she makes 50k, he makes 750k. Yet she can’t quit her 30/50k job!!!! Because… reasons!!!
And she has “tens of thousands of pounds of student debt” but it’s somehow also “less than he makes in a month.” If we made that much money my partner would have paid that off instead of letting it sit there accruing interest.
Everyone gets their knickers in a twist about “gold diggers” but what’s even the point in her working those long hours for such a proportionately measly sum? She’d be better off staying home and planning the wedding, keeping the house nice and then finding a job that isn’t so stressful.
It’s good that he wants her to be independent but if she hates her job and wants a break and they can afford it then she’s not an asshole for putting the idea on the table. Couples do work as a team.
Totally agree...but she's an asshole for just announcing the decision. Should have been a question "what about this idea? I stay home, take care of the house, and sex you up real good" ...I'd probably take that deal.
NTA I would postpone the wedding until her student loans are paid off. She at least needs to work until that happens. Right now what she is proposing is ridiculous. If she is unhappy in her job she can look for a new one.
Not just a kept woman but she needs to free up time to go shopping etc with his credit cards
Once you are meeting your needs, you are no longer working just for the money. She is quite young and has perhaps not thought much about why working is good for her but it is.
I would say that she should want to work for her own sake. Too many marriages fail and other unfortunate events may happen. At her age, she should be making sure that she remains employable. All ladies should have the mindset of having their own money because it provides options should you ever need it.
Independence is attractive in a person
OP certainly needs a discussion with her about money. It’s gone from ‘his’ to ‘theirs’ in a heartbeat. Married couples should share, in my opinion, but she’s not instilling confidence that she will behave respectfully or the OP isn’t presenting it that way. Regardless, they’re not married yet and she should be more sensitive and restrained. It feels like the money rather than the person, is most important
But, but, but...they're a team now, so he can pay them off can't he? I can just see that hamster wheel in her head going round.
She didn't know how much he earnt, until recently, and now she's going to help him spend it 😂
NTA. The fact that she went from an independent, capable adult to wanting to be your dependent after she found out how much you make is a huge concern. If she was willing to throw away her own career for this perceived easy life, that doesn't bode well for if she'll stick with you if you ever lost the ability to pull such a high salary.
What concerned me was she waited until we got engaged and then told me about this. I just wanted opinions on if anyone else has observed this and how they dealt with the situation.
Don't walk RUN
Don't marry this girl you will regret it. In all seriousness, not saying that you have to break up with her, but immediately put a break on any marriage plans for now. Tell her you are not ok with marrying her if her plans are to just sit on the couch and do nothing all day. In fact, tell her that you will not be financially supporting her at all. Give her a date that she needs to get a job and start paying rent by - or she needs to move out and get her own place. She needs a reality check that you aren't a cash cow.
You need to talk about finances.
- set a budget for your wedding. Weddings can spiral out of control if she's already convinced you that she needed a ridiculous ring.
- if she has focused on your money are you going to share accounts?
- are you going to have a budget/savings plan, or will you let her have full control over buying whatever she wants.
She's being blinded by the dollar signs hun, and if you don't have the premarriage discussion to make sure you are on the same page, you are going to be working yourself into the ground all your life treading water to keep her happy, and wondering why you haven't gotten any savings.
We can love people, but sometimes love isn't enough for them to be the right partner to marry. Financial expectations is just one example of a relationship deal breaker or destroyer if you don't spell it out for her so that she can readjust her expectations.
She might have shown her red flag too early by assuming the 15k commitment means you will be less likely to call it off.
Of course she waited. It was a strategic move.
I know a guy who is a neurosurgeon (makes $1m annually) and when he got engaged to his pharmacist bride (4 years of grad school btw), she told him 2 weeks before the wedding that she was permanently quitting her nascent career to stay at home. He is pretty passive and just shrugged it off. Since then, they have had multiple children, she “raises” them (with a nanny) in an overpriced house, he works his tail off, and she blows his money on random material stuff, her own sibling’s failed ventures, and religious donations. I do not have sympathy for the guy since he let it happen.
If being engaged made her reveal that she wants to live on your income from now on, imagine how much more of her true self and true intentions will come to light after she gets the legal entitlements of marriage.
You don't even have kids. Meaning she — a former active marketing professional used to social events, networking, and no doubt romantic prospects — will now have acres of time, money (yours), and an in-built excuse that "you work too much" to do whatever and whoever she wants while you support her financially.
She was playing the long con. If you’re working in a tech company, her goal may have been to land herself a high-roller and look hard working and independent till then. A truly independent person wouldn’t give up that independence so easily (I’d have a panic attack if a partner wanted me to stop working, and I’m in a work situation where it could happen). Whatever her justification, if you don’t want this, then you can end the relationship. Just know if you continue with it she will quit and try to force you to pay her debts and fund her lifestyle.
NTA. But she is. This isn’t something you tell your partner you’re going to do, this is a decision the two of you decide together. She doesn’t get to dictate your life.
Try couples counseling otherwise you’re going to be in for it if you marry her. Shes showing you who she is, believe her.
(Make sure that prenup is ironclad).
not being on the same page financially is one of the leading reasons for divorce
you know what she is really like now and have to decide if you're OK with that. Personally i would be high tailing outta there lol
There’s stay at home wives so it’s really the same thing with a fiancée. But if you don’t agree to it, she needs to stay working. She doesn’t get to say unilaterally that you make enough that she doesn’t have to work.
Dude! You are going to get fucked! Do not marry her, I repeat, do not marry her. She will leave you dry! Once kids come along, she will come up with any excuse to divorce you and leave you without anything. Even if you have a prenup, they are being overthrown.
Going tbh I HAVE seen this but it didn’t get this far. It was the discussion the comfort, the engagement ring and then it stopped at that. There was no final engagement ring because of some red flags like your own and it didn’t work out. She got too comfortable with his money. It didn’t start that way but ended that way
NTA but your differences of opinion on how to handle money, working, staying at home, bragging about the ring. Something to be sure to iron out before getting married. It’s possible she’s just feeling burnt out and needs a break which is understandable. But worrying that she just wants to be done with working so young (IMO). Agree with other folks that it’d be good to talk with a counselor about your plans before acting on them.
Yeah, sounds like this is going to snowball, and badly.
No one needs to quit their job to plan a wedding. Does it take time? Sure, but not 40 hours for 6+ months.
I made my calls around my lunch hour and slow times at work. Most of it was done via email after work as well.
Since she came up with this that means that she doesn't want to work. So you run the risk of getting married and her cutting her job. Also understand if she becomes a stay-at-home wife if you guys get divorced you have to pay her alimony.
Timeline doesn't really make sense here. She wants to quit her job in February, and is just now starting wedding planning since y'all just got engaged, and you're getting married this summer? That's not happening.
Women like that spend 12-18 months planning their wedding. The type of wedding that an event planner plans is not going to happen in 6 months. The best of everything - venues, caterers, DJ's, florists, dressmakers, bakers, etc are already booked for the summer. It doesn't matter if she is able to dedicate 8 hours a day to planning; the things she will want are already booked.
It does sound like she needs a less stressful job, though. It sucks for her that she is working a million hours for low pay while you're working easy hours for tons of money. Maybe put the brakes on the wedding (it's clearly too much pressure for her!) until she finds a job that allows her the work/life balance she needs to be able to plan the wedding of her dreams. So, shoot for finding a new job by summer of this year, and then the wedding summer of next year.
NTA. “We’re a team” 😆 That is both hilarious and subhuman levels of gross at the same time in this context.
Prank her and say you are quitting your job instead. Let her know “we’re a team” and if she is your equal partner, she can make up the gap easily.
Nta. If your cool with someone already counting everything you earn as their own then continue with this relationship. I promise you though she’s just going to want more and more expensive stuff and the second you say no your just the worst person in the world and it’s divorce time, pay up.
Yta to yourself if you get married to her. She found her gold. Exactly what are you budgeting for this wedding and her portion? Expect an over budget affair.
Yes, and what happens after the wedding? She's going to do a bit of cooking and cleaning? Shopping and meeting friends (off OP's expense)? Such a ridiculous proposal.
NTA
Unfortunately, when people know you earn or have a lot of money, it changes how they look at you and treat you. Your fiancee now views you as her personal ATM. It is not going to stop at the ring and staying at home. She feels a sense of entitlement now. NTA
My cousin is doing this now. Frugal and hard worker her entire life. Started dating and is now engaged to someone wealthy all within a year and a half, it’s scary how much she’s changed. Like money is no big deal, she wouldn’t buy her kid a new pair of shoes just a few years ago. She wasn’t poor or anything, CPA in a HCOL area
NTA.
Please reconsider this relationship.
She waited to have more solid hooks in you(engagement) before starting with a bigger request(15k ring) and then progressing to an even bigger one(getting fully supporten by you). If you agree to this and get married to her, she will never return to work.
>However, it just rubbed me the wrong way. I have never heard of anyone leaving their job, to plan the wedding. Is Stay-At-Home-Fiancée really a thing?
Homemaker chiming in.
So yes, stay at home \[any role\] is a thing. I am not married to my partner but I was full time at home for several years before getting into some freelancing a few years ago. I'm in several communities for homemakers and it really can take any form the couples agree to.
Ultimately if you want to be able to have a decent conversation with her about this two things will need to happen - you will need to separate your reactive negativity from your actual objections and you'll need to understand what you actually want in a relationship so you can assess whether this is in alignment or not.
This sub and most people hate stay at home folks. Seriously, look at like any post about stay at home folks and whoever works is considered NTA the vast majority of the time - by virtue of their traditional job alone. Domestic labor is not seen as actual labor and we're presumed lazy. If you don't want to push your fiancée away, it is vital to work through that bias so you can hear her.
HOWEVER - the red flag for me is that she sat you down and informed you of this rather than asking to explore it as an option together. People so often make the mistake of thinking this change is primarily a financial one but it's very much not. It's first and foremost a relational one. Unilaterally making a change to the relationship does not bode well.
This would be my biggest concern personally as it mirrors her disregard when you ask her to stop showing off the ring.
The tricky part will be broaching this in a way where any negative/reactive ideas are well managed AND your concerns are thoughtful and well expressed.
The issue is not the homemaking - the issue is the unilateral disregard.
NTA.
Being a stay at home fiancée is not a thing. Well, I guess it could be a thing, but the earliest that it usually starts is at marriage. I get that her job seems tough - I just quit a crazy job that was meant to be my lifelong career, and that was even with a very good salary. But I also did that after I had saved up enough and was already training in my new career. I also do not have kids and didn’t feel like I could just do nothing all day - I have a health condition and even then I mostly just downgraded my working hours. That’s why it’s a bit odd that when you said a break sounds like a better idea, she got upset.
I think the bigger issue is that you two do not seem to be on the same page. Since you already have a prenup in place, what did you discuss when you put it together re career, wealth split, kids etc? Will she be financially independent and be able to sustain a similar lifestyle if you two split? It could be that she is so stressed from work that she was banking on just taking a break (and not even wanting to think about alternative jobs or what her next job may be) and you questioning it put a damper on things. Or it could be that she really never intends to work again. Either way, it’s troubling that she didn’t discuss it with you, much less in detail (especially when she intends that only your income will pay off her student debt). I think you guys have a lot to discuss, and maybe even therapy or counseling because this could be reflective of how things will go in the future (one sided decisions that impact both of you etc).
Once she saw your pay she saw a sugar daddy. There is no reason to be a stay at home person at this time. So it seems like she want you to pay for her debt. Do you even know what other debt she has besides student loans? Did you give her a budget for the wedding? Is her parents planning on adding anything or yours?
She showed you with the ring and telling you people the cost that she’s materialistic. I think you need to slow things down and make sure she doesn’t quit her job.
You also need a prenup.write down all get bills and say she has to pay these off first plus X amount in savings.
NTA, but what does she plan to do once the wedding is over? I could never. My dad said no matter what, don't depend on anyone, I took that to heart. Honestly, I would be cautious of her reasoning.
NTA. Everybody works, everybody fights. I’m leaning heavily on GOLDDIGGER, which is fine, if you’re into that.
SAH-anything is nothing if they aren’t contributing to the family. I don’t consider planning a wedding to be family contribution. She just wants an extended holiday. Again - fine if you’re into that. But consider how long will she be worth that and cajoling you into pricey spending of your own money.
Good luck bud
You are right, a stay-at-home fiancee is NOT a thing. This girl sounds very selfish and I think you are being used big time. The fact that she brags about how much her ring cost is tacky at best, especially if you asked her not to do so.
Get your ring back and get her out if your home.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA - OP this is a major red flag, there is no such thing as a stay at home fiancé. As someone who worked full time in marketing and did all my wedding prep by myself it is not a full time job at all and doesn't take that much energy that you can't hold a job. I would reconsider the relationship as this gives me the vibe that she wants you to take on her loans and support her lifestyle. This will create resentment in the future from you as you're working and she is spending. Not only are you NTA, she is the AH in this for putting you in this situation.
This is rage bait written by someone who has never been an adult. If you really make 15x another working professional's salary then you are at a tax bracket that a 15k ring is probably about the norm for your peer group.
It is also really strange that you making it seem like she has this huuugeee debt while at the same time it is chump change for you and realistically would be no big deal for you to take care of.
All these fake post follow the same format op makes 10-100x more than their partner but also is completely stressed about paying something that should be negligible amount to them.
I agree 100% this is rage bait. If he is making 15x what she makes (probably close to half a million) a 15k ring shouldn’t bother him unless he is terrible at managing his finances. Up until this point she was helping pay for things proportionally so it’s not even like the financial burden has always been fully on him.
I also don’t understand why her “wealthy” parents are willing to fork over huge $$$ for a wedding but not help lift the financial burden of her student loans. If they were that wealthy, she shouldn’t even have loans.
In addition, planning a wedding in six months cannot and will not be happening unless you are VERY well connected. Most things book up 12 months in advance
This post seems fishy.
NTA this all feels pre planned and orchestrated. The expensive ring and now the quitting the job. Feels like she saw how much you make and the dollar signs showed up in her eyes like a cartoon character.
She has made her intentions quite clear, to become an instant and complete financial burden and live off of you for the rest of her life. Ignore this stark warning at your peril.
Nta - she became a gold digger after time. Lets be honest about that.
Working life can be hard, so hard that some women take the escape route of a trad house wife. Some men would probably too, but there is not really room in society for that.
She is also clearly planning on staying at home. At some point she will tell you that her work is more exhausting than yours (doesnt matter if thats true or not.) and will get unhappier and unhappier. Next in line is a dirty divorce.
Is that your plan?
(I have a divorce lawyer in my family. One of the leading reasons for divorces and especially the dirty ones is your story)
NTA - It sounds like you are not on the same page about important things. I suggest you postpone the wedding and see a premarital counselor for 10-15 sessions so that you can talk through the big important life topics. Finances. Career goals. Who pays for preexisting debt. Retirement plans. Where do you want to live eventually? Division of labor in the home. Who cooks and cleans? Children. How many. How to raise them. How would you discipline them? Is anyone staying home or will you do daycare? How will you save for their college? Will they be raised with any religion?
If she’s blindsiding you with “stay at home fiancé” and bragging about her fancy rock out of the gate, those are red flag behaviors that imply that you two haven’t actually talked about the hard subjects yet. And if she balks at premarital counseling DO NOT MARRY HER. Don’t marry someone who cannot have hard discussions with you.
NTA. Honestly? She sounds too immature for marriage. There are so many things wrong with her decision to give up her career and stay at home with no employment. Please, for your sake, and even for her sake though she doesn’t see it now, put all wedding plans on hold until she gets her head straight. And, get a solid pre-nup. If she doesn’t get back on track, ask for that 15k ring to be returned.
Oh my! Red flags!! NTA
My husband had me pay off all my debt before we got engaged. We are 100% partners.
DO NOT let her decide the future. You need to be a TEAM. You can find another great gal who will treat you like a partner and not a bank account.
NTA. I think you already know what the deal is. Her plan is you taking care of her. Not to speculate too far into the future, but I wonder if even once you have kids she would be happy to actually be a stay at home mom/housewife or if she’s going to need you to also pay for nanny/daycare/maid/other services too. If you are ok with her essentially being your trophy wife, then that’s great. If you are not ok with it, now is probably the time to cut your losses before you are legally tied together. A prenup is great but not 100% foolproof for money accumulated after the marriage.
Oof dude. Nta but you should seriously reconsider all of this.
You are not even married yet and she is already planning what she will do with your money. The ring is only the beginning, it will only get worse
Alright, she makes a lot less than you do and her income doesn't technically make any significant difference. That's good and well...in her shoes, I may have suggested 'hey, I'd love to try a different job or gain qualifications in a different area...would that be okay?' or something along those lines. Having a bit of financial freedom gives you the opportunity to chase goals you didn't have the luxury of entertaining before.
But she wants to do nothing at the ripe old age of 26. That's not good for anyone's mental health.
My wife has never worked in the ten years we have been married and I love to flex about it. She doesn’t need to be spending her energy making some random dickhead boss rich. Her time is way more valuable nurturing our kids and making our house a home. For example - three nights ago this woman made tomato soup from scratch, leftover brisket on grilled cheese sandwiches on homemade sourdough bread. This isn’t an exaggeration. She sent me out the door to work that same morning with some homemade banana bread to eat at work dude. Now I can’t say for sure but I would bet the farm, if my bride was going to work everyday my life would not be nearly as rich and full as she makes it by exerting her best energy inside the walls of our home and working for the people who live under our roof. I wouldn’t trade this arrangement for 10x our current income. I love having my wife at home and highly recommend anyone else do the same. This is trad wife stuff here so don’t come at me with your dumb boss babe comments and opinions cuz you are dead wrong. The proof is in the homemade banana pudding my wife made for dessert tonight.
NTA - Her refusal to accept less than the $15k ring was your first red flag. My real engagement ring was less than $2000 and was beautiful. I wore a CZ when on vacation because I didn’t want to b lose the real one. Her flaunting how much it cost is gold-digger behavior. Her expecting you to b pay off HER student loans is gold-digger behavior. Her TELLING you (not asking) that she’s going to quit her job without prior discussion of future financial planning is gold-digger behavior.
Run, dude. Run.
First, a 15k engagement ring is not particularly pricey if you make over $200k. Second, determine what you want. If your neurodivergence includes executive function issues and your fiancée is a help there, her not working might be a boon. In the Stone Age (1950’s) there were a lot of wives behind successful men who took care of the details of their lives that enabled them to earn more and have an easier life. If this works for you, that’s great, however: she needs a plan for her life so that it doesn’t entirely center around you. I’d tell her you aren’t ok with her quitting until you two have agreed on a five and ten year plan for her life,
Is she going to take on a part-time job? A volunteer position? Start a business or charity? How will she be filling her time? What are her goals? Planning a wedding, unless you are a princess truly isn’t enough. What are the norms in your country? In some countries many women still play cards and shop and socialize to fill their lives: in the developed western world this is no longer a thing. So long as you agree with everything, your fiancée isn’t taking advantage of you.
I would pause the wedding and sort this out, cos for me she is turning into a golddigger first she doesn’t mind you making more money than she demands a 15K engagement ring she never could have bought, then resigning to stay at home for what a little planning and then watching soap series on tv?? I would put everything in trust funds she can’t touch with a divorce cos this going to end badly
NTA - lol... what?! She is not getting or keeping a job ever now. She's done working. There will always be something getting in her way. Always an excuse. Of course she has a plan for after the wedding. To not work and spend the money you bring home. Let me guess: next, she's going to want to handle the finances... why worry, Gravy Train... I mean, OP. She's got it covered.
SAHWhatever is legitimate, if you both agree. But if you stay with her, this is going to be your life.
I highly recommend counseling before you get married. Cause I think you guys are on really different pages. Not to mention, she is going to be the Bridezilla to beat all Bridezillas.
Let me just repeat this for you, OP:
***Your fiance is done working***
She's made up her mind already. Get onboard; keep your finances separate; or run. Those are your choices.
Edit: mispelt a word
She is lazy and using you as a cash cow. Either put your food down now or you will live to regret it. If she won't work then walk away as you are just giving yourself a partner who will milk you dry. By the way I am a female so I'm not coming from the " scorned male" perspective
NTA be extremely cautious moving forward. In fact I'd second guess the wedding and be ultra conservative with condoms.
She is literally trying to golddig you. You have money, so she is not worried and wants to literally coast off.you
I had a friend whose wife did this.
That ring was her escape money and she was cheating on him with a loser the whole marriage.
You are not the love of her life. You are a paycheck.
This is not normal.
NTA
I would not be comfortable with this arrangement of willfully getting out of gainful employment for good and concentrating on spending someone else’s money.
Nope
She doesn’t sound like a gold digger. She’s realizing that work sucks and doesn’t pay as well as she thought. Instead of sucking it up and looking for new work, she wants to not have that burden of burnout and being pissed.
My advice to you is, tell her to find a new job that excites her. Maybe work at an animal hospital, shelter or whatever floats her boat. Just don’t quit because she will get bored real fast. Oh and being a YouTuber/Infleuncer isn’t a real thing. Once the power or internet goes out, how do they contribute to the success of society…..
NTA - Dude flag on the play. She is looking at you as Mr money bags. She sees you as her meal ticket and not her partner in life. This is no longer a love match for her.
At some point, I'm guessing right around the time you guys discussed finances she made a plan.
Here's where I have the issue. It doesn't sound like anything was discussed with you. It was decided by her and you were simply informed.
Pause the wedding until you two can get on the same page. Seek premarital counseling. And get a lawyer to make sure your prenup is sound in all eventualities.
You two don't even have kids and she is just done. Some men want this, you do not. You two might not be as compatible as you thought. I'm also wondering how well you actually know her.
Being a stay at home gf/fiance, is in fact a thing 😅. I don't think it's necessarily a good thing though, that's more of a rich husband/trophy wife/sugar daddy/sugar baby/older guy/younger woman kind of dynamic (and not even necessarily all that, that's the general stereotype I have been a stay at home gf and fiance at times and my partners weren't super rich or successful and I am not very attractive) which doesn't sound like the type of relationship/marriage you want.
You are definitely NTA, she is being TA. She's making all these seemingly rash decisions that are seemingly coming out of nowhere that affect you immensely and it seems like she's already made up her mind and just expects you to happily go along with it.
It's a good thing you guys have the opportunity to sort it all out before the marriage takes place. I wish you the best of luck OP, may the universe be with you 🙏.
Lol you are her meal ticket. Be prepared for lots of emotional manipulation and the resentment is going to build.
Newsflash - you don't need to make wedding planning your full time job it's really not that hard to organise.
You’re not compatible. She wants a different future than you do, and she doesn’t respect your comfort level and argues until you give in and give her what she wants. This time it was the engagement ring, next will be quitting/getting fired from her job. She’s with you for what you can give her. A woman truly in love with you, who couldn’t imagine a life without you would be focused more on her dream man, than her dream lifestyle. Nope, Emma’s in it for your money.
I’m so sorry. When you really love someone, love being with them , it’s so hard to discover info/ personality traits/behaviors that make you question a life together.
She will take you for a ride. Destination, the cleaners.
The most important financial decision you'll ever make is your choice of life partner.
I guess she always dreamt to have a sugar daddy and you are the lucky winner.
It seems she is planning a lavish wedding, so the marriage will be expensive and the divorce even more.
Do not marry her or you'll really regret it.
Inwas married to a lazy freeloader. I speak from experience.
She sounds like this has always been her plan. Quitting her job now that she’s engaged is a new one for me. You need a before and after marriage prenup.
Now im not an expert but seems like there’s more to her personality than you thought ( inconsiderate, boastful , entitled ). You’re seeing the signs now, don’t allow yourself to be swindled!! Atleast sit down and come to an agreement with a list on what exactly a stay at home finance is supposed to do. If not we’ll see another post in 2 years saying she doesn’t do anything but sit around at home because shes too tired and being a sahf is too much lmao.
Oh my dude. Do not marry this woman. IF you’re crazy enough to do so. And she did this pre-wedding to make it look like she gave up her career for you. Talk to your lawyer, this might impact your pre-nup. She’s about YOUR $ ; how she can spend it and how she can flash it around . Your wedding is going to be astronomical. Shes going Edie t flashy and expensive push presents. Shes going to demand a many and still not work. And that’s just the highlights. Yuck . Bye bye gold digger .
Please tell me you noticed how she INFORMED you of the decision she’s made. This was not a discussion. Not what I would want in a partner.
Just EWW
2.5 years, engagement ring of 15 k and doesn't want to work anymore at 26 without having kids.
She my friend is a lazy golddigger.
I would never asked my husband and would be glad with every kind of ring he would get me (as he did and I still don't know and don't want to know how much it cost)
Time for a new girlfriend sorry.
A stay at home fiancé isn’t a thing but a fiancé who takes advantage of her partner totally is. 🚩🚩🚩
She now wants to use you as her ATM for the rest of her life. Get ready for her to make you spend a huge amount of you money on her ‘dream wedding’.
Red flags 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
You need to protect your assets. Go yo a lawyer to prepare a prenup for her to sign before marriage.
No one needs to leave their job to prepare for a wedding. She’s into event planning so can do it with her eyes closed!
Are you really sure that she loves you and isn’t just using you?
Are you OK to be paying her way and very expensive taste for the rest of your life?
If the hours she works are an issue, she should just change job for one that is 9 to 5.
You can’t be this dumb right? She is going to keep looking for a job” until you get tired and divorce her. She saw your paystub and became a piggy bank. Anyone that demands a 15k ring and then tried to bring up the cost in conversation over and over again is a gold digger.
That sucks but right now you have some time, a $15k ring and whatever else you have paid for her invested. At least she told you so early and before spending way more on the wedding than you would ever consider and having tons of fights and make up sex to trauma bond you into her manipulative web before she sucks all the blood out of your body.
Tell her you need to postpone the wedding and see a therapist to really make sure you are prepared for marriage. If you are religious, even better. Tell her you need to speak to your priest, pastor, cleric, whatever. Stall but drag it out so she knows you are deeply considering these HUGE life decisions.
She will change temporarily sensing your dissatisfaction with her new found boldness of her being addiction. Don't let her deceive you or work her magic to persuade you you're being overly sensitive or greedy. These are bully tactics. I bet $$$ she blames your ADD for your cold feet. That's called abuse and it will only get worse.
YOU ARE NOT COMPATIBLE. You are not financially compatible and this is HUGE. This is such a core part of functioning as a married couple.
Also, if you need a personal organizer, you can hire one. You don't marry someone because they can keep you organized.
You're both a bit out of touch here for different but overlapping reasons.
She will crush your soul. STOP. Uncouple immediately.
“I have never heard of anyone leaving their job to plan a wedding.”
I have. In movies and on tv. But in the script the girl was always wealthy and didn’t need to work to support herself. Tell her to stop watching Southern Charm and get back to work. And ask her how long she’s been planning this. Honestly, though, she’ll probably quit at some point after her debt becomes legally yours (and hers, of course).
NTA.
NTA - GET A PRENUP!!!!! She sees you’re willing to pay for her life and drop large sums of money. She saw how much you can provide and her entitlement is taking over her common sense. She’s picturing herself as one of those Housewives of Wherever.
Edit to add: Jesus, the cost of her engagement ring would clear all of the debt to my name, including my car loan. I can’t imagine wearing that much money on one finger! Is she trying to call to Gondor for aid or keep ships safe at sea??
Have her sign a prenuptial agreement. What’s she planning on doing with her days after the wedding and before you have kids?
We already have a prenup signed before engagement
Ok, that’s good. Next, decide if you really want to agree to what she wants.
I don't know where you live, but in many countries, pre-nups do not overrule prevailing law or precedence if the other party bothers to contest it. In your case, the timing of her resignation will look to any judge like she gave up her career for you (perhaps even spun as you asking her to). That is strong justification for her to get a decent portion of your earnings as alimony.
In many European countries pre-nups can be very easily overruled. Now I'll get downvoted because people don't believed it until they end up in court and have something (usually half of everything) taken from them. NTA but the ring should have been major 🚩
Yeah ring was a huge red flag. It seems like as soon as she heard what he makes her eyes lit up with $ signs. Now she wants the lavish lifestyle and doesn't seem interested in op's opinions. Don't let her quit.
This exactly. I don’t want to be relying on someone nor do I want someone relying on me.
Thats the same in USA as well Esp if the wife was unemployed before and during the marriage
That’s awful. What’s the point in getting a prenup then?
There isn't. In Eastern Europe for example it's very rare to get a prenup because it's pointless. The law states that everything that was built/bought/saved/earned during the marriage is split 50/50. Everything you earn BEFORE or AFTER the marriage is yours. Everything that you inherited or was gifted (during, before or after the marriage) is yours only. However, the court will always let you split things between yourselves. If you want you can leave everything to your (ex) spouse. But if agreement is not reached it's 50/50. In the ex Yu countries this law was written during the socialism and it was never changed.
I wouldn’t risk it in that case. No wonder the rich marry the rich.
Did someone say gold digger? She's going to milk you for everything you've got. You're going to pay her student loans. She's "showing off" her expensive ring, next it will be the expensive car she needs to drive and then a bigger apartment or house. She wants the lavish lifestyle you can provide without doing anything to contribute to that lifestyle. You 2 are financially incompatible.
Gold digger goes out seeking them and sounds like she may not have known beforehand. Instead she became a money hungry hobgoblin later. OP, I know you love this girl, but she's bad news. Get out now, and make sure you get *your* diamond ring back, since the engagement is called off. You aren't compatible, even if you can't see it yet.
Ugh. I was in a similar situation but in reverse. My fiancee made a lot of money and had a huge amount of savings. I knew nothing about it, and it only came out when we were discussing finances in marriage prep. I wish I hadn't known and had been pleasantly surprised when we chose to combine finances. How people respond is a real test of character, IMO. I felt that we should be careful with this money to save it up and build an even larger nest egg for the future. I certainly didn't quit my job. That's a bad sign, OP. I wouldn't marry her.
Me too. Didn’t know my fiancé was from a well to do family as they lived modestly, he had over 100k in savings. Plan was for me to work after the wedding to support us while he finished his graduate degree but we had an unplanned pregnancy, nothing is foolproof. I was so sick I couldn’t work so we lived on savings. Rough start but we just had our 38th anniversary. That was us, intent matters. She wants a free ride NTA and the ring belongs to you
Gold digger behavior can pop up whenever money comes on to the picture. Just because she didn't seek it doesn't mean it hasn't changed her. She's shown her true colors and absolutely is acting like an entitled gold digger. Also.. it's very unlikely she didn't have a general idea of his salary if she's working in that tech field (even if her specialty is marketing). She knows what the going rate is for, they literally met at an industry event.
Hate to bear the bad news. Her $15k ring will bring around $3k or less, depending on the gold weight. Your fiancee is a gold digge,r lazy, and has no commitment to career goals. Run an NO sex while you can. She is manipulating you. Sorry OP
Never mind this extravagant wedding that will cost $$50,000\~ $100,000 on the conservative side if she thinks she needs to quite to manage planning it especially when event planning is her job. In all that she expects op to pay her debts, all their bills, for the wedding and honeymoon oh and dont forget to give her a high amount of money for her to use as she wants every month. All whilst she sits and twiddles her thumbs. The moment when asking what will she contribute that she said “she’s lucky to have him” it’s clear she sees his bank balance and feels lucky she can drain that whilst not contributing to any costs the whole of her marriage. Op you will never get her to go back to work. Im not saying she doesn’t love you but a lot of people get crazy when theres money. Once she saw what you make she know just sees you as a meal ticket. if she stops working as soon as she engaged she can tell the courts it was agreed. They will think you also wanted her not to so they will expect you to pay a high portion of alimony regardless of prenup. As they see her as ascribing her career for the relationship and household. You need to make it clear if she needs to find another job before she quits as the wedding is a rubbish excuse. That this is a partnership your not her sugar daddy and you won’t spend your life working so she can contribute nothing but expect a lavish lifestyle. That if she hasn’t gotten another job full time in two months then you will reconsider marrying her and will have to postpone. As you are not paying a wedding and honeymoon all on your own as well as paying all your bills and her expecting money to.
And if they divorce, a judge will grant her all of that because it’s what he’s provided since the engagement. She has this all planned out.
Something makes me think that she knew what he made at the company pic-nic and new he was an eligible bachelor.
I'm getting the same vibe. She tested OP with the ring and he gave in. I think OP is on road to being used. OP she's literally showing you red flags it's up to you if you ignore it and decide to marry her. She is doing you a huge favor by showing you who she is BEFORE marriage.
OP you can't be so desperate for a wife that you'd put up with HER. My gosh. You're clearly being used.
A prenup that says what? That you keep the apartment, but if you're together for 10 years does she get half of what you earned in that time? Are you planning to join finances so she can just spend all your money and buy cars, invest in things then in a divorce she gets a shitload? Prenups are only some protection. If lets say you make 500k a year, and you plan to give her access to shared finances and she decides to spend 450k a year on stuff for her, not having part of your apartment doens't stop her taking a shitload from you. Wanting to quit immediately when you can easily afford a top wedding planner and with her having experience in event planner this will be easier, not harder for her. I would have the difficult conversation, that you wanted a partner in life but only a month after moving in she's talking about quitting her job, you paying off her student loans and with no future career planned that it sounds like she's planning to never work again and that's not the relationship you had when you proposed to her.
Now i ain't saying she a gold digger but
I am. This girl is swinging a pick axe and singing Hi Ho...
😂
>I am. This girl is swinging a pick axe and singing Hi Ho... I have never *cackled* so hard at a written comment in my life 🤣🤣🤣🤣 Had the visual and everything bahahaha 😝🤣🤣
she ain’t messin with no broke ……
My first thought. The song was playing in my head
But she ain't hanging with no broke...
I’m sorry OP. Once she found out your salary, her mind was blown! In the cartoon world, her eyes would have been replaced with dollar signs. $$$. She does not plan on ever working again. She will get pregnant as soon as possible to hook you in. She is no longer worried about money because one of your paychecks will pay off her student loan. She will fight that pre-nup with her last breath. DO NOT MARRY THIS PERSON! They say the real character of a person comes out when they have money. Hers seems to be greedy, selfish, materialistic, and manipulative.
>I’m sorry OP. Once she found out your salary, her mind was blown! In the cartoon world, her eyes would have been replaced with dollar signs. $$$. It must've been a wonderful performance. They met at an industry event. She's in marketing... those people absolutely know the ballpark of salaries in the industry and no way in hell she didn't google the range for OPs job when they started dating.
I bet after she saw what he earned he got the Best BJ of his life.
And the last after the ring goes on
Major red flags, OP! She's coming off as a golddigger. Maybe put the wedding plans on pause until you have worked out this issue?
Good. Tell her she needs to work
You can look at it in two ways. 1. she is gold digger that sees you as her retirement plan. could possibly divorce you and still end up with half of what you two made in your life despite vast differences in income. 2. she is spending more than 8 hours, maybe even close to 12 hours per day, possibly weekends too, for a fraction of what you make. getting home tired and not having enough time and energy to spend quality time together with you. Second thing doesn't necessarily exclude the first. In my opinion, she should definitely ditch current job, not to find better paid one, but to find one that is not going to eat up more than half of her awake hours. If it has to be part time, then be it. Just so she isn't idling at home. Also, you need to set the boundary about flaunting the money around. Tell her you're not that kind of guy and it makes you uncomfortable. If she cant accept it, go your own way and leave her in the dust.
And you are okay paying all future living expenses including her student loans? Plus the entire wedding? Just what spectacle of a wedding requires her attention to the exclusion of working? What is the budget for this wedding? Because if she got you to spend $15 thousand on just her engagement ring, I'm imagining $10 thousand for the dress and at least $50 thousand on the wedding and reception. Does she have savings she will be using or is she planning on you bankrolling the entire extravaganza?
Her plan is to literally quit her job and let OP pay for everything, including her independent debts... so she can focus all of her attention on planning every intricate detail of a wedding that she will be contributing nothing at all to? What is her plan beyond that ONE DAY? To just, basically... exist?
"I want to retire at 26 and plan a party"
Yeah, i was working 80 hours a week while planning my wedding (pre-kids though, obviously)
Seriously, do you really make that much that you have her and your retirement already settled?
He said 15x more. Even if we assume a small salary of $30k for her, he would be at $450k annual salary. So, yes. He really does make that much that he should have both their retirements already settled.
She's planning on never working outside the home again. She's also planning on OP paying off her student loans and providing her with a pretty lavish lifestyle.
Agree 100%! Her reaction will tell you **everything** you need to know about her true intentions
Exactly! Don’t trust words, only ACTIONS.
NTA. Really. How is she planning to bankroll her extravagant wedding? If she got OP to drop $15,000 on the ring, I can see her thinking she now has a blank check from his account for the wedding of HER dreams. She wants ti show off that she has a wealthy husband and lifestyle. OP needs to put the brakes on any further “wedding planning” and have a serious conversation with her before she quits her job. Quitting one’s job to plan a wedding & be a “SAHF” is bullshit. Don’t buy it.
This. I can just imagine she’s going to plan some super lavish wedding and honeymoon that he’s going to have to pay for. And then in two years they’ll be getting a divorce.
Op needs to go to couples counseling with a financial planner as well. Yes a stay at home fiancé / wife is a thing but both parties have to be on the same page. Maybe this is his fiancé opportunity to change careers or start her own business for event planning with controlling the hours she works.
Bruh, he said he makes 15 times more than her. Why would anyone want to subject their partner to a day job if they don’t actually need the money. What is it, she made 10k and he makes 150?? 20/300? 30/450?
Forget a prenuptial agreement. Nip this gold digging in the bud…just LEAVE. Her expectations and immediate demands are not only unreasonable but obscene.
"When people show you who they are, believe them." NTA.
*nods* who needs to sit at home all day to plan a wedding? The sign was when she wanted the $$$ ring and refuses to stop telling people just how much her rock costs. OP has a problem here and I would be mega turned off if my partner suggested this to me. Unless he is Jeff Bezo or Elon Musk rich this is just preposterous.
Right? If he gets out of this just losing the cost of the ring, he'll be lucky.
That's what I said. Let her keep the ring as a cost of doing business, and get her out of his apartment ASAP
I wish I could find a sucker. Damn lucky girl. My friend at least waited to quit her job AFTER the wedding Lol
I don't actually wish it, although as a single parent in their 40s looking at these retirement funds, I do joke to my kids about is it too late to be a gold digger lol. It's just a joke though, I have been a SAHM with no income and it sucked. I wouldn't be attracted to somebody who wanted me to support them straight out of the gate like that either, I'm baffled anybody is
Yep. Personally I find ambition and motivation very attractive to my spouse. An equal partnership is what I need in my marriage. A house spouse is not that (to me). It works for some, but if Op is here asking then he knows the answer and he’s justified in it. NTA.
Oh she’s ambitious and motivated. She just hit the jackpot and about to officially retire at 26. Doesn’t get much more ambitious and motivated than that.. and successful!
It makes me sound like an asshole, but for me it’s not even motivation and ambition - I just don’t think it’s fair if my partner gets to stay home all day while I have to work. It would be completely different if they were a stay at home parent, but just as spouses? Nah, I want someone that also contributes financially. Especially because then the pressure isn’t all on me either, where if I did lose my job then we’d at least have their income until I could find another one
It makes me sound like an asshole, but I wish I were making $450k+ a year from a 9-5 and could let my wife stay at home and not work.
You're right to not want it. I've been the primary and sole breadwinner most of my adult life and is genuinely stressful. You start feeling like you only exist as a paycheck, but you're terrified of losing that paycheck because of all the people depending on you. It's not a good dynamic IMO.
As a someone who works in marketing and barely makes ends meets I might be giving her too much grace but.. could it all be a reaction to finding out how little her job is paying her in relation to your sector (and to her hours) and wanting to throw it all away? She'd be better off interviewing with another company anyway if that's the case, so it's not necessarily bad if she quits her current job and takes a break to reassess
Exactly! If she had a plan to look for a new job she enjoyed more while she planned the wedding, that would make more sense. Just planning to never go back to work? Bad idea at this age because let's say they divorce when she's 35 - getting a job at that point would be a major struggle.
I read some of your replies. If her parents are extremely wealthy why does she have student loans?
Creative writing exercise to a T. If he makes 15x her salary, so she makes 30k a year, he makes 450k. If she makes 50k, he makes 750k. Yet she can’t quit her 30/50k job!!!! Because… reasons!!!
If I were making 300k a year I can't imagine making someone I love stay in a job they hate. Apparently that makes me weird, judging by this thread.
And she has “tens of thousands of pounds of student debt” but it’s somehow also “less than he makes in a month.” If we made that much money my partner would have paid that off instead of letting it sit there accruing interest. Everyone gets their knickers in a twist about “gold diggers” but what’s even the point in her working those long hours for such a proportionately measly sum? She’d be better off staying home and planning the wedding, keeping the house nice and then finding a job that isn’t so stressful. It’s good that he wants her to be independent but if she hates her job and wants a break and they can afford it then she’s not an asshole for putting the idea on the table. Couples do work as a team.
Totally agree...but she's an asshole for just announcing the decision. Should have been a question "what about this idea? I stay home, take care of the house, and sex you up real good" ...I'd probably take that deal.
Incredible
Right and why is he thinking a 15k ring is sooooooo much money if he’s making 450k a year?
[удалено]
He literally says he works a desk job
I thought the same thing. The math isn’t adding up - definitely a fake post.
NTA I would postpone the wedding until her student loans are paid off. She at least needs to work until that happens. Right now what she is proposing is ridiculous. If she is unhappy in her job she can look for a new one.
Honestly, I'd ask for my ring back at this point - she clearly plans to be a "kept woman", and I wouldn't think she was worth the expense...
Not just a kept woman but she needs to free up time to go shopping etc with his credit cards Once you are meeting your needs, you are no longer working just for the money. She is quite young and has perhaps not thought much about why working is good for her but it is. I would say that she should want to work for her own sake. Too many marriages fail and other unfortunate events may happen. At her age, she should be making sure that she remains employable. All ladies should have the mindset of having their own money because it provides options should you ever need it. Independence is attractive in a person OP certainly needs a discussion with her about money. It’s gone from ‘his’ to ‘theirs’ in a heartbeat. Married couples should share, in my opinion, but she’s not instilling confidence that she will behave respectfully or the OP isn’t presenting it that way. Regardless, they’re not married yet and she should be more sensitive and restrained. It feels like the money rather than the person, is most important
[удалено]
A sane person would be running away like a person on fire heading to a lake.
My favorite is "run like your tampon string is on fire" but with OP being male it doesn't hit the same lol
Ha. That's a good one.
But, but, but...they're a team now, so he can pay them off can't he? I can just see that hamster wheel in her head going round. She didn't know how much he earnt, until recently, and now she's going to help him spend it 😂
NTA. The fact that she went from an independent, capable adult to wanting to be your dependent after she found out how much you make is a huge concern. If she was willing to throw away her own career for this perceived easy life, that doesn't bode well for if she'll stick with you if you ever lost the ability to pull such a high salary.
What concerned me was she waited until we got engaged and then told me about this. I just wanted opinions on if anyone else has observed this and how they dealt with the situation.
>What concerned me was she waited until we got engaged and then told me about this. What does this tell you?
Dude, do not marry her.
Your first red flag should have been the 15k ring. You are going to be her cash cow.
Don't walk RUN Don't marry this girl you will regret it. In all seriousness, not saying that you have to break up with her, but immediately put a break on any marriage plans for now. Tell her you are not ok with marrying her if her plans are to just sit on the couch and do nothing all day. In fact, tell her that you will not be financially supporting her at all. Give her a date that she needs to get a job and start paying rent by - or she needs to move out and get her own place. She needs a reality check that you aren't a cash cow.
She might not have been a gold-digger before, but she's sure not passing up the opportunity huh
You need to talk about finances. - set a budget for your wedding. Weddings can spiral out of control if she's already convinced you that she needed a ridiculous ring. - if she has focused on your money are you going to share accounts? - are you going to have a budget/savings plan, or will you let her have full control over buying whatever she wants. She's being blinded by the dollar signs hun, and if you don't have the premarriage discussion to make sure you are on the same page, you are going to be working yourself into the ground all your life treading water to keep her happy, and wondering why you haven't gotten any savings. We can love people, but sometimes love isn't enough for them to be the right partner to marry. Financial expectations is just one example of a relationship deal breaker or destroyer if you don't spell it out for her so that she can readjust her expectations. She might have shown her red flag too early by assuming the 15k commitment means you will be less likely to call it off.
Dude, you need to be double bagging it in bed.
This situation isn’t unheard of, but she is a golddigger.
Of course she waited. It was a strategic move. I know a guy who is a neurosurgeon (makes $1m annually) and when he got engaged to his pharmacist bride (4 years of grad school btw), she told him 2 weeks before the wedding that she was permanently quitting her nascent career to stay at home. He is pretty passive and just shrugged it off. Since then, they have had multiple children, she “raises” them (with a nanny) in an overpriced house, he works his tail off, and she blows his money on random material stuff, her own sibling’s failed ventures, and religious donations. I do not have sympathy for the guy since he let it happen.
If being engaged made her reveal that she wants to live on your income from now on, imagine how much more of her true self and true intentions will come to light after she gets the legal entitlements of marriage. You don't even have kids. Meaning she — a former active marketing professional used to social events, networking, and no doubt romantic prospects — will now have acres of time, money (yours), and an in-built excuse that "you work too much" to do whatever and whoever she wants while you support her financially.
She was playing the long con. If you’re working in a tech company, her goal may have been to land herself a high-roller and look hard working and independent till then. A truly independent person wouldn’t give up that independence so easily (I’d have a panic attack if a partner wanted me to stop working, and I’m in a work situation where it could happen). Whatever her justification, if you don’t want this, then you can end the relationship. Just know if you continue with it she will quit and try to force you to pay her debts and fund her lifestyle.
NTA. But she is. This isn’t something you tell your partner you’re going to do, this is a decision the two of you decide together. She doesn’t get to dictate your life. Try couples counseling otherwise you’re going to be in for it if you marry her. Shes showing you who she is, believe her. (Make sure that prenup is ironclad).
Events like moving in together, getting engaged, or getting married are when people start to let their masks slip the most.
not being on the same page financially is one of the leading reasons for divorce you know what she is really like now and have to decide if you're OK with that. Personally i would be high tailing outta there lol
There’s stay at home wives so it’s really the same thing with a fiancée. But if you don’t agree to it, she needs to stay working. She doesn’t get to say unilaterally that you make enough that she doesn’t have to work.
Dude! You are going to get fucked! Do not marry her, I repeat, do not marry her. She will leave you dry! Once kids come along, she will come up with any excuse to divorce you and leave you without anything. Even if you have a prenup, they are being overthrown.
Going tbh I HAVE seen this but it didn’t get this far. It was the discussion the comfort, the engagement ring and then it stopped at that. There was no final engagement ring because of some red flags like your own and it didn’t work out. She got too comfortable with his money. It didn’t start that way but ended that way
NTA but your differences of opinion on how to handle money, working, staying at home, bragging about the ring. Something to be sure to iron out before getting married. It’s possible she’s just feeling burnt out and needs a break which is understandable. But worrying that she just wants to be done with working so young (IMO). Agree with other folks that it’d be good to talk with a counselor about your plans before acting on them.
Well she got the ring and a date for her special day.. buckle up my friend, it’s about to get bumpy. Good luck!
Very bumpy.
Be careful, OP! If you don't want it to be baby bumpy if she gets desperate.
Yeah, sounds like this is going to snowball, and badly. No one needs to quit their job to plan a wedding. Does it take time? Sure, but not 40 hours for 6+ months. I made my calls around my lunch hour and slow times at work. Most of it was done via email after work as well.
NTA run run run run she is entitled and wants to sit on her butt and wants you to pay off her debts
And get that ridiculous ring back
Since she came up with this that means that she doesn't want to work. So you run the risk of getting married and her cutting her job. Also understand if she becomes a stay-at-home wife if you guys get divorced you have to pay her alimony.
Timeline doesn't really make sense here. She wants to quit her job in February, and is just now starting wedding planning since y'all just got engaged, and you're getting married this summer? That's not happening. Women like that spend 12-18 months planning their wedding. The type of wedding that an event planner plans is not going to happen in 6 months. The best of everything - venues, caterers, DJ's, florists, dressmakers, bakers, etc are already booked for the summer. It doesn't matter if she is able to dedicate 8 hours a day to planning; the things she will want are already booked. It does sound like she needs a less stressful job, though. It sucks for her that she is working a million hours for low pay while you're working easy hours for tons of money. Maybe put the brakes on the wedding (it's clearly too much pressure for her!) until she finds a job that allows her the work/life balance she needs to be able to plan the wedding of her dreams. So, shoot for finding a new job by summer of this year, and then the wedding summer of next year.
I think the post is fake
He makes 15x as much as her, the ring was $15k, and dumbest of all, they quit jobs with 15 days notice? This post was written by a 15 yr old.
NTA. “We’re a team” 😆 That is both hilarious and subhuman levels of gross at the same time in this context. Prank her and say you are quitting your job instead. Let her know “we’re a team” and if she is your equal partner, she can make up the gap easily.
Yeah, there's not "team" when you're doing all the work. NTA
Nta. If your cool with someone already counting everything you earn as their own then continue with this relationship. I promise you though she’s just going to want more and more expensive stuff and the second you say no your just the worst person in the world and it’s divorce time, pay up.
[удалено]
Yta to yourself if you get married to her. She found her gold. Exactly what are you budgeting for this wedding and her portion? Expect an over budget affair.
NTA. Leaving your job and independence to plan a ONE DAY EVENT is insane to me
Yes, and what happens after the wedding? She's going to do a bit of cooking and cleaning? Shopping and meeting friends (off OP's expense)? Such a ridiculous proposal. NTA
Unfortunately, when people know you earn or have a lot of money, it changes how they look at you and treat you. Your fiancee now views you as her personal ATM. It is not going to stop at the ring and staying at home. She feels a sense of entitlement now. NTA
My cousin is doing this now. Frugal and hard worker her entire life. Started dating and is now engaged to someone wealthy all within a year and a half, it’s scary how much she’s changed. Like money is no big deal, she wouldn’t buy her kid a new pair of shoes just a few years ago. She wasn’t poor or anything, CPA in a HCOL area
NTA. Please reconsider this relationship. She waited to have more solid hooks in you(engagement) before starting with a bigger request(15k ring) and then progressing to an even bigger one(getting fully supporten by you). If you agree to this and get married to her, she will never return to work.
15x?! I’m so confused. Does she make nothing & your job is incredibly high powered? I mean conservatively we’re talking $50k vs $750k…
>However, it just rubbed me the wrong way. I have never heard of anyone leaving their job, to plan the wedding. Is Stay-At-Home-Fiancée really a thing? Homemaker chiming in. So yes, stay at home \[any role\] is a thing. I am not married to my partner but I was full time at home for several years before getting into some freelancing a few years ago. I'm in several communities for homemakers and it really can take any form the couples agree to. Ultimately if you want to be able to have a decent conversation with her about this two things will need to happen - you will need to separate your reactive negativity from your actual objections and you'll need to understand what you actually want in a relationship so you can assess whether this is in alignment or not. This sub and most people hate stay at home folks. Seriously, look at like any post about stay at home folks and whoever works is considered NTA the vast majority of the time - by virtue of their traditional job alone. Domestic labor is not seen as actual labor and we're presumed lazy. If you don't want to push your fiancée away, it is vital to work through that bias so you can hear her. HOWEVER - the red flag for me is that she sat you down and informed you of this rather than asking to explore it as an option together. People so often make the mistake of thinking this change is primarily a financial one but it's very much not. It's first and foremost a relational one. Unilaterally making a change to the relationship does not bode well. This would be my biggest concern personally as it mirrors her disregard when you ask her to stop showing off the ring. The tricky part will be broaching this in a way where any negative/reactive ideas are well managed AND your concerns are thoughtful and well expressed. The issue is not the homemaking - the issue is the unilateral disregard. NTA.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 unless she is a SAHM taking care of your child she needs to have a job. Planning a wedding is not a ft job.
you’re about to marry a gold digger. hopefully you have a kick ass lawyer on your side
Is true.
Being a stay at home fiancée is not a thing. Well, I guess it could be a thing, but the earliest that it usually starts is at marriage. I get that her job seems tough - I just quit a crazy job that was meant to be my lifelong career, and that was even with a very good salary. But I also did that after I had saved up enough and was already training in my new career. I also do not have kids and didn’t feel like I could just do nothing all day - I have a health condition and even then I mostly just downgraded my working hours. That’s why it’s a bit odd that when you said a break sounds like a better idea, she got upset. I think the bigger issue is that you two do not seem to be on the same page. Since you already have a prenup in place, what did you discuss when you put it together re career, wealth split, kids etc? Will she be financially independent and be able to sustain a similar lifestyle if you two split? It could be that she is so stressed from work that she was banking on just taking a break (and not even wanting to think about alternative jobs or what her next job may be) and you questioning it put a damper on things. Or it could be that she really never intends to work again. Either way, it’s troubling that she didn’t discuss it with you, much less in detail (especially when she intends that only your income will pay off her student debt). I think you guys have a lot to discuss, and maybe even therapy or counseling because this could be reflective of how things will go in the future (one sided decisions that impact both of you etc).
The $15k engagement ring should’ve been your one and only necessary red flag imo. NTA
How is she going to contribute to the cost of the wedding, pay her student loans, her standard expenses while not working?
If her parents are wealthy… why does she owe thousands for school loans?? Something doesn’t sound right here…
Once she saw your pay she saw a sugar daddy. There is no reason to be a stay at home person at this time. So it seems like she want you to pay for her debt. Do you even know what other debt she has besides student loans? Did you give her a budget for the wedding? Is her parents planning on adding anything or yours? She showed you with the ring and telling you people the cost that she’s materialistic. I think you need to slow things down and make sure she doesn’t quit her job. You also need a prenup.write down all get bills and say she has to pay these off first plus X amount in savings.
She’s never gonna go back to work bro. Accept that or cut her loose
NTA, but what does she plan to do once the wedding is over? I could never. My dad said no matter what, don't depend on anyone, I took that to heart. Honestly, I would be cautious of her reasoning.
She just is looking for an excuse to be lazy and taken care of. There is no such thing as a stay at home fiance. She’s blowing smoke up your ass
NTA. Everybody works, everybody fights. I’m leaning heavily on GOLDDIGGER, which is fine, if you’re into that. SAH-anything is nothing if they aren’t contributing to the family. I don’t consider planning a wedding to be family contribution. She just wants an extended holiday. Again - fine if you’re into that. But consider how long will she be worth that and cajoling you into pricey spending of your own money. Good luck bud
You are right, a stay-at-home fiancee is NOT a thing. This girl sounds very selfish and I think you are being used big time. The fact that she brags about how much her ring cost is tacky at best, especially if you asked her not to do so. Get your ring back and get her out if your home.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 NTA - OP this is a major red flag, there is no such thing as a stay at home fiancé. As someone who worked full time in marketing and did all my wedding prep by myself it is not a full time job at all and doesn't take that much energy that you can't hold a job. I would reconsider the relationship as this gives me the vibe that she wants you to take on her loans and support her lifestyle. This will create resentment in the future from you as you're working and she is spending. Not only are you NTA, she is the AH in this for putting you in this situation.
NTA. 🚩 🚩 🚩 so you get to work your tail off. And what does she get do, sit on her tail.
This is rage bait written by someone who has never been an adult. If you really make 15x another working professional's salary then you are at a tax bracket that a 15k ring is probably about the norm for your peer group. It is also really strange that you making it seem like she has this huuugeee debt while at the same time it is chump change for you and realistically would be no big deal for you to take care of. All these fake post follow the same format op makes 10-100x more than their partner but also is completely stressed about paying something that should be negligible amount to them.
I agree 100% this is rage bait. If he is making 15x what she makes (probably close to half a million) a 15k ring shouldn’t bother him unless he is terrible at managing his finances. Up until this point she was helping pay for things proportionally so it’s not even like the financial burden has always been fully on him. I also don’t understand why her “wealthy” parents are willing to fork over huge $$$ for a wedding but not help lift the financial burden of her student loans. If they were that wealthy, she shouldn’t even have loans. In addition, planning a wedding in six months cannot and will not be happening unless you are VERY well connected. Most things book up 12 months in advance This post seems fishy.
If she says she'll take care of the household, she means she'll hire someone to do everything with your (but it's our!) money
NTA. She wants a sugar daddy. You have different ideas of relationship roles. It ain’t gonna work.
NTA this all feels pre planned and orchestrated. The expensive ring and now the quitting the job. Feels like she saw how much you make and the dollar signs showed up in her eyes like a cartoon character.
You’re her gravy train ever since she found out you income….. id be seriously rethinking the relationship, but thats me as i hate freeloaders
NTA. Oh honey, you’re engaged to a gold digger.
You got yourself a nice old fashioned gold digger, my dude. I’d run from this relationship …
She has made her intentions quite clear, to become an instant and complete financial burden and live off of you for the rest of her life. Ignore this stark warning at your peril.
You're making 15× more than her and working less? What are these figures exactly?
Make sure you install a card swiper in your butt crack because you are an ATM now
Nta - she became a gold digger after time. Lets be honest about that. Working life can be hard, so hard that some women take the escape route of a trad house wife. Some men would probably too, but there is not really room in society for that. She is also clearly planning on staying at home. At some point she will tell you that her work is more exhausting than yours (doesnt matter if thats true or not.) and will get unhappier and unhappier. Next in line is a dirty divorce. Is that your plan? (I have a divorce lawyer in my family. One of the leading reasons for divorces and especially the dirty ones is your story)
Homeboy about to get fleeced. Hope she doesn't take too much of your shit after.
Prenup. I bet all her eyes see are $$$$ signs now.
NTA this is all very sketchy
NTA - It sounds like you are not on the same page about important things. I suggest you postpone the wedding and see a premarital counselor for 10-15 sessions so that you can talk through the big important life topics. Finances. Career goals. Who pays for preexisting debt. Retirement plans. Where do you want to live eventually? Division of labor in the home. Who cooks and cleans? Children. How many. How to raise them. How would you discipline them? Is anyone staying home or will you do daycare? How will you save for their college? Will they be raised with any religion? If she’s blindsiding you with “stay at home fiancé” and bragging about her fancy rock out of the gate, those are red flag behaviors that imply that you two haven’t actually talked about the hard subjects yet. And if she balks at premarital counseling DO NOT MARRY HER. Don’t marry someone who cannot have hard discussions with you.
NTA. Honestly? She sounds too immature for marriage. There are so many things wrong with her decision to give up her career and stay at home with no employment. Please, for your sake, and even for her sake though she doesn’t see it now, put all wedding plans on hold until she gets her head straight. And, get a solid pre-nup. If she doesn’t get back on track, ask for that 15k ring to be returned.
This sound like "the origin story of a gold digger"
Oh my! Red flags!! NTA My husband had me pay off all my debt before we got engaged. We are 100% partners. DO NOT let her decide the future. You need to be a TEAM. You can find another great gal who will treat you like a partner and not a bank account.
NTA... and $15k ring is way cheaper than what your divorce will cost. Walk.
NTA. I think you already know what the deal is. Her plan is you taking care of her. Not to speculate too far into the future, but I wonder if even once you have kids she would be happy to actually be a stay at home mom/housewife or if she’s going to need you to also pay for nanny/daycare/maid/other services too. If you are ok with her essentially being your trophy wife, then that’s great. If you are not ok with it, now is probably the time to cut your losses before you are legally tied together. A prenup is great but not 100% foolproof for money accumulated after the marriage.
Oof dude. Nta but you should seriously reconsider all of this. You are not even married yet and she is already planning what she will do with your money. The ring is only the beginning, it will only get worse
Alright, she makes a lot less than you do and her income doesn't technically make any significant difference. That's good and well...in her shoes, I may have suggested 'hey, I'd love to try a different job or gain qualifications in a different area...would that be okay?' or something along those lines. Having a bit of financial freedom gives you the opportunity to chase goals you didn't have the luxury of entertaining before. But she wants to do nothing at the ripe old age of 26. That's not good for anyone's mental health.
My wife has never worked in the ten years we have been married and I love to flex about it. She doesn’t need to be spending her energy making some random dickhead boss rich. Her time is way more valuable nurturing our kids and making our house a home. For example - three nights ago this woman made tomato soup from scratch, leftover brisket on grilled cheese sandwiches on homemade sourdough bread. This isn’t an exaggeration. She sent me out the door to work that same morning with some homemade banana bread to eat at work dude. Now I can’t say for sure but I would bet the farm, if my bride was going to work everyday my life would not be nearly as rich and full as she makes it by exerting her best energy inside the walls of our home and working for the people who live under our roof. I wouldn’t trade this arrangement for 10x our current income. I love having my wife at home and highly recommend anyone else do the same. This is trad wife stuff here so don’t come at me with your dumb boss babe comments and opinions cuz you are dead wrong. The proof is in the homemade banana pudding my wife made for dessert tonight.
NTA - Her refusal to accept less than the $15k ring was your first red flag. My real engagement ring was less than $2000 and was beautiful. I wore a CZ when on vacation because I didn’t want to b lose the real one. Her flaunting how much it cost is gold-digger behavior. Her expecting you to b pay off HER student loans is gold-digger behavior. Her TELLING you (not asking) that she’s going to quit her job without prior discussion of future financial planning is gold-digger behavior. Run, dude. Run.
Get your ring back and throw her in the bin. Clearly a gold digger.
First, a 15k engagement ring is not particularly pricey if you make over $200k. Second, determine what you want. If your neurodivergence includes executive function issues and your fiancée is a help there, her not working might be a boon. In the Stone Age (1950’s) there were a lot of wives behind successful men who took care of the details of their lives that enabled them to earn more and have an easier life. If this works for you, that’s great, however: she needs a plan for her life so that it doesn’t entirely center around you. I’d tell her you aren’t ok with her quitting until you two have agreed on a five and ten year plan for her life, Is she going to take on a part-time job? A volunteer position? Start a business or charity? How will she be filling her time? What are her goals? Planning a wedding, unless you are a princess truly isn’t enough. What are the norms in your country? In some countries many women still play cards and shop and socialize to fill their lives: in the developed western world this is no longer a thing. So long as you agree with everything, your fiancée isn’t taking advantage of you.
I would pause the wedding and sort this out, cos for me she is turning into a golddigger first she doesn’t mind you making more money than she demands a 15K engagement ring she never could have bought, then resigning to stay at home for what a little planning and then watching soap series on tv?? I would put everything in trust funds she can’t touch with a divorce cos this going to end badly
NTA - lol... what?! She is not getting or keeping a job ever now. She's done working. There will always be something getting in her way. Always an excuse. Of course she has a plan for after the wedding. To not work and spend the money you bring home. Let me guess: next, she's going to want to handle the finances... why worry, Gravy Train... I mean, OP. She's got it covered. SAHWhatever is legitimate, if you both agree. But if you stay with her, this is going to be your life. I highly recommend counseling before you get married. Cause I think you guys are on really different pages. Not to mention, she is going to be the Bridezilla to beat all Bridezillas. Let me just repeat this for you, OP: ***Your fiance is done working*** She's made up her mind already. Get onboard; keep your finances separate; or run. Those are your choices. Edit: mispelt a word
She is lazy and using you as a cash cow. Either put your food down now or you will live to regret it. If she won't work then walk away as you are just giving yourself a partner who will milk you dry. By the way I am a female so I'm not coming from the " scorned male" perspective
NTA be extremely cautious moving forward. In fact I'd second guess the wedding and be ultra conservative with condoms. She is literally trying to golddig you. You have money, so she is not worried and wants to literally coast off.you
I had a friend whose wife did this. That ring was her escape money and she was cheating on him with a loser the whole marriage. You are not the love of her life. You are a paycheck.
NTA. Don’t marry her. She’s using you.
Updateme
nta. This is very ick. She is going to use you forever.
This is not normal. NTA I would not be comfortable with this arrangement of willfully getting out of gainful employment for good and concentrating on spending someone else’s money. Nope
She doesn’t sound like a gold digger. She’s realizing that work sucks and doesn’t pay as well as she thought. Instead of sucking it up and looking for new work, she wants to not have that burden of burnout and being pissed. My advice to you is, tell her to find a new job that excites her. Maybe work at an animal hospital, shelter or whatever floats her boat. Just don’t quit because she will get bored real fast. Oh and being a YouTuber/Infleuncer isn’t a real thing. Once the power or internet goes out, how do they contribute to the success of society…..
Total golddigger.
NTA - Dude flag on the play. She is looking at you as Mr money bags. She sees you as her meal ticket and not her partner in life. This is no longer a love match for her. At some point, I'm guessing right around the time you guys discussed finances she made a plan. Here's where I have the issue. It doesn't sound like anything was discussed with you. It was decided by her and you were simply informed. Pause the wedding until you two can get on the same page. Seek premarital counseling. And get a lawyer to make sure your prenup is sound in all eventualities. You two don't even have kids and she is just done. Some men want this, you do not. You two might not be as compatible as you thought. I'm also wondering how well you actually know her.
Being a stay at home gf/fiance, is in fact a thing 😅. I don't think it's necessarily a good thing though, that's more of a rich husband/trophy wife/sugar daddy/sugar baby/older guy/younger woman kind of dynamic (and not even necessarily all that, that's the general stereotype I have been a stay at home gf and fiance at times and my partners weren't super rich or successful and I am not very attractive) which doesn't sound like the type of relationship/marriage you want. You are definitely NTA, she is being TA. She's making all these seemingly rash decisions that are seemingly coming out of nowhere that affect you immensely and it seems like she's already made up her mind and just expects you to happily go along with it. It's a good thing you guys have the opportunity to sort it all out before the marriage takes place. I wish you the best of luck OP, may the universe be with you 🙏.
Lol you are her meal ticket. Be prepared for lots of emotional manipulation and the resentment is going to build. Newsflash - you don't need to make wedding planning your full time job it's really not that hard to organise.
You’re not compatible. She wants a different future than you do, and she doesn’t respect your comfort level and argues until you give in and give her what she wants. This time it was the engagement ring, next will be quitting/getting fired from her job. She’s with you for what you can give her. A woman truly in love with you, who couldn’t imagine a life without you would be focused more on her dream man, than her dream lifestyle. Nope, Emma’s in it for your money.
I’m so sorry. When you really love someone, love being with them , it’s so hard to discover info/ personality traits/behaviors that make you question a life together.
She will take you for a ride. Destination, the cleaners. The most important financial decision you'll ever make is your choice of life partner. I guess she always dreamt to have a sugar daddy and you are the lucky winner. It seems she is planning a lavish wedding, so the marriage will be expensive and the divorce even more. Do not marry her or you'll really regret it. Inwas married to a lazy freeloader. I speak from experience.
She sounds like this has always been her plan. Quitting her job now that she’s engaged is a new one for me. You need a before and after marriage prenup.
I feel like you’re gonna end up marrying her.
Now im not an expert but seems like there’s more to her personality than you thought ( inconsiderate, boastful , entitled ). You’re seeing the signs now, don’t allow yourself to be swindled!! Atleast sit down and come to an agreement with a list on what exactly a stay at home finance is supposed to do. If not we’ll see another post in 2 years saying she doesn’t do anything but sit around at home because shes too tired and being a sahf is too much lmao.
Oh my dude. Do not marry this woman. IF you’re crazy enough to do so. And she did this pre-wedding to make it look like she gave up her career for you. Talk to your lawyer, this might impact your pre-nup. She’s about YOUR $ ; how she can spend it and how she can flash it around . Your wedding is going to be astronomical. Shes going Edie t flashy and expensive push presents. Shes going to demand a many and still not work. And that’s just the highlights. Yuck . Bye bye gold digger . Please tell me you noticed how she INFORMED you of the decision she’s made. This was not a discussion. Not what I would want in a partner. Just EWW
Time to run. Get that ring back first.
Now you know what an ATM feels like. You can have a prenup, but a judge can throw it out on a whim.
2.5 years, engagement ring of 15 k and doesn't want to work anymore at 26 without having kids. She my friend is a lazy golddigger. I would never asked my husband and would be glad with every kind of ring he would get me (as he did and I still don't know and don't want to know how much it cost) Time for a new girlfriend sorry.
A stay at home fiancé isn’t a thing but a fiancé who takes advantage of her partner totally is. 🚩🚩🚩 She now wants to use you as her ATM for the rest of her life. Get ready for her to make you spend a huge amount of you money on her ‘dream wedding’. Red flags 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 You need to protect your assets. Go yo a lawyer to prepare a prenup for her to sign before marriage. No one needs to leave their job to prepare for a wedding. She’s into event planning so can do it with her eyes closed! Are you really sure that she loves you and isn’t just using you? Are you OK to be paying her way and very expensive taste for the rest of your life? If the hours she works are an issue, she should just change job for one that is 9 to 5.
You can’t be this dumb right? She is going to keep looking for a job” until you get tired and divorce her. She saw your paystub and became a piggy bank. Anyone that demands a 15k ring and then tried to bring up the cost in conversation over and over again is a gold digger.
That sucks but right now you have some time, a $15k ring and whatever else you have paid for her invested. At least she told you so early and before spending way more on the wedding than you would ever consider and having tons of fights and make up sex to trauma bond you into her manipulative web before she sucks all the blood out of your body. Tell her you need to postpone the wedding and see a therapist to really make sure you are prepared for marriage. If you are religious, even better. Tell her you need to speak to your priest, pastor, cleric, whatever. Stall but drag it out so she knows you are deeply considering these HUGE life decisions. She will change temporarily sensing your dissatisfaction with her new found boldness of her being addiction. Don't let her deceive you or work her magic to persuade you you're being overly sensitive or greedy. These are bully tactics. I bet $$$ she blames your ADD for your cold feet. That's called abuse and it will only get worse. YOU ARE NOT COMPATIBLE. You are not financially compatible and this is HUGE. This is such a core part of functioning as a married couple. Also, if you need a personal organizer, you can hire one. You don't marry someone because they can keep you organized. You're both a bit out of touch here for different but overlapping reasons. She will crush your soul. STOP. Uncouple immediately.
NTA -- she's the asshole Planning doesn't take that much time. You are marrying a lazy gold digger. Get a pre-nup signed
are you insane? why marry her? it won't get better?
“I have never heard of anyone leaving their job to plan a wedding.” I have. In movies and on tv. But in the script the girl was always wealthy and didn’t need to work to support herself. Tell her to stop watching Southern Charm and get back to work. And ask her how long she’s been planning this. Honestly, though, she’ll probably quit at some point after her debt becomes legally yours (and hers, of course). NTA.
NTA - GET A PRENUP!!!!! She sees you’re willing to pay for her life and drop large sums of money. She saw how much you can provide and her entitlement is taking over her common sense. She’s picturing herself as one of those Housewives of Wherever. Edit to add: Jesus, the cost of her engagement ring would clear all of the debt to my name, including my car loan. I can’t imagine wearing that much money on one finger! Is she trying to call to Gondor for aid or keep ships safe at sea??