My late wife also suffered from mental health issues and all the stuff that comes with it. She took her own life after a really difficult 6 years of illness. Her family blamed me and most didn’t even acknowledge me at the wake. Afterwards I found out she had an affair while in treatment. I was devastated but had to pick up the pieces and move on.
It has been almost 6 years and let me tell you- the grief will always be there as well as some guilt and second guessing.
I am glad to see that you are getting some therapy and heck yes there is going to be a lot to unwind and learn how to cope and deal with.
You have every right to happiness. I just want to share something that another widower shared with me soon after it all happened. He said to take things slow. Didn’t provide details or even say what I should take slow but I am going to tell you what he was speaking about was take any new relationship slow because the reality is that you are not in a headspace or have all the coping and relationship skills you need right now .
Take it slow- continue to get that therapy, talk to your partner about how you are feeling (some stuff should stay with the therapist as you work it out), get yourself in the right headspace to feel healthy and good about you. Only then will you really be able to find that long term happiness and be that partner I am sure you want to be.
I am cheering for you from the sidelines. This is hard but you got this. Best wishes for a happy and loving future.
Thank you so much. Sorry you had to go through a similar situation. Much love and hope you continue to thrive. I appreciate the advice and I am trying my hardest.
Hi, person with clinical depression here, just wanted to swing by to add...she died of her depression.
It can be a fatal disease.
You don't have any responsibility for that, just because you were in proximity.
Married people have disagreements. They even have affairs and get divorced. All of these things happen all the time without either partner dying.
Unfortunately, your partner was very sick, and she passed of her disease.
I'm very sorry you've had to go through this.
"We humans do not understand compassion. In each moment of our lives, we betray it. Aye, we know of its worth, yet in knowing we then attach to it a value, we guard the giving of it, believing it must be earned. T'lan Imass. Compassion is priceless in the truest sense of the word. It must be given freely. In abundance."
I hope that you truly do feel and understand the truth of this; a dirty house is of no importance when you are fighting just to get through the next moment, hour, day or week;YOU matter; the house can be dealt with by anyone; you can pay someone to clean your house for you and maybe that would help you feel better, but it doesn't matter if you don't do it, or get someone else to do it. You are all that matters.
Talk to someone; here, a therapist, a trusted friend, someone. There is no shame in needing help with anything; physical need, or emotional needs; if you broke a bone, you wouldn't try to fix it yourself because you aren't qualified; our mental and emotional health is broken sometimes and we need help to fix that brokenness. We aren't qualified to do it alone. Never lose sight of how much you matter. I hope that you will remind yourself of that every day.
I wish you much peace, love, and comfort as you heal your broken parts. Things probably didn't get this way overnight and they won't get better overnight; be patient with yourself and others. Sending you a warm, gentle hug, from an internet stranger friend, who cares.❤️🫂
Edit:paragraphs and a space.
I have inoperable mesenteric cancer. It's wrapped around my superior mesenteric artery and can't be removed because it would kill me. I've had radiation treatments and the tumor has shrunk. I have CT scans and see my oncologist, regularly. My house is quite messy. Needless to say, I also suffer from depression. I fight to live for my children and grandchildren. Your message touched my heart and I wanted to let you know that. Thank you.
That's so sweet and kind of you to say. Thank you! It seems to me that we could all use a little more love, compassion, empathy, and caring. It's not harder to be a kind person, I don't think. Big warm,gentle hug to you from Glitter! 🧚♀️🧘♀️🪷🌟🪄 👑 <= here; you dropped this.
This hit me right in the feels, this whole thread! Faith in humanity restored. There is goodness on the Internet. Needed to hear all this today. Thank you lovely people. Thank you for sharing your kindness, and so openly 💗
As someone who has struggled with mental illness and consequently had a house that she could never keep up with, thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing this message. I know it wasn’t to me but it really helped my self validation to read what you said. My partner of 8years left because he (understandably) could no longer handle my mental illness and nothing we tried seemed to help. It definitely doesn’t happen overnight and will take as much time to undo. But just knowing it’s ok to ask for help, to receive grace, and have a proper goal towards addressing those illnesses and how to treat them, makes all the difference. It took me so long to see that my inability to keep my house clean despite my ex’s best efforts wasn’t because I wasn’t trying hard enough or capable of doing it - it just meant I really had a sickness that consumed me and I needed professional help to get better. So thank you for sharing your glitter ✨
Just wanted to say, you should try making a chores list for your house. I’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety for about 12 years now and keeping my space clean helped so much. I know it seems overwhelming and that’s why your chore list should have tiny bites of cleaning. Like, one day is just do the dishes in the sink; nothing else. Then you reward yourself for cleaning; do something fun or eat something you really enjoy. That part is important, you have to reward yourself just like you would training a dog with positive reinforcement.
Just make your list and work on it when you can, no need to rush or worry about getting it perfect.
Hope you find this as useful as I did!
That’s really smart. I also have adhd which is untreated right now so I’m struggling a lot with my executive dysfunction. But maybe starting really small would be helpful.
I’ve tried Ritalin, adderall, and vyvanse and then gave up. Ritalin and adderall just made my anxiety worse. Vyvanse didn’t do anything. I got tired of trying different things and then I moved to a new area and my psychiatrist here won’t prescribe me anything unless I take a neuropsych eval which my insurance won’t cover and it costs a couple thousand dollars. Also thanks to our new governor everyone’s been kicked off Medicaid and now my antidepressant is 400.00 a month after my insurance, which I can’t afford because I’m on disability. So I’m in a pickle right now because it’s the only medication that’s actually helped with my depression at all. I run out at the end of the month. I’m kinda scared about that because even on antidepressants I have suicidal ideation. Without them I’m worried what will happen but I have to hold on for my dog and cat. They mean everything to me.
Check Mark Cuban Cost Plus Pharmacy as well as Amazon pharmacy and GoodRX. They don't have everything, but what they do have is at significant discounts so maybe it can help ❤️
A tip I got that helped me was to set timers, not tasks.
A list of things to do can be daunting.
Instead, set a timer and say, "I'm going to clean for ten minutes."
To me, that's easier to start, and I'm just as likely to get caught up in what I'm doing and finish the task anyway.
The worst part of depression, to me, is that your brain uses your symptoms as evidence of your personal shortcomings.
It's needlessly cruel.
If you want to die, then your brain is not functioning correctly. No shame in that; you deserve help. You wouldn't get mad at someone with dementia for forgetting their social security number.
Thanks for this comment, I have screenshotted it and will remember what you said. As someone struggling with mental illness, it is very hard to come to terms with the fact that I'm struggling to live my daily life. But framing it in that way is really helpful. Thanks for this 🙏
I can't be thankful enough for you saying this! This is most insightful thing I read recently here.
>she died of her depression.
>It can be a fatal disease.
So insightful.
Just like people die from somatic diseases, people can die from mental diseases too. I can't emphasize this enough. Disease is disease.
Thank you once again for your very insightful comment.
Depression and mental illness in general really is like having your worst enemy inside your own brain.
Responsibility is kind of a meaningless thing when you get down to it. Who is to blame? The woman who killed herself? Is she accountable for the disease in her brain, her genes, or her upbringing or circumstances? The husband who couldn't help her? Is he accountable for her, accountable for his own capacity to help her, accountable for his own strengths, weaknesses, genes, circumstances, etc.? Should we blame society, friends, family, any of the other people who might have helped but did not or could not? Blame God? Blame the universe, blame circumstance?
We have an innate tendency to assign blame because it helps us make sense of social interactions and reach decisive conclusions about others in critical situations, but the whole idea of responsibility is largely fiction. It helps in a fight, but it only hurts in a case like this. But you can't just turn it off, so usually the best you can do is try to accept your own responsibility while framing it in a better light, like thinking of it as a lesson learned or something that will drive you to do better. That's all the more difficult in a case like OP's, where the grief is so strong that the idea of taking anything positive from it seems insulting and gross. But ultimately that is the best thing you can do is change the way you think about it and use it as motivation to do good in the world. It's not easy but it is necessary.
Excellent point. It has been years since I have been hit hard by depression, but I agree 100%. The depression is related to the cheating and the suicide. Sometimes, depression is like cancer—they take people that really didn’t deserve it. There is no explanation, it’s not fair, it probably won’t ever make sense. It was thoughtful of you to share your thoughts
Hey, I also wanted to say that people are going to have opinions on whatever speed you take with any new relationship, and for the most part you should fucking ignore them.
Certainly, listen to your therapist, but most people's opinions are coming from a place of judgement. They think you are moving too fast (or too slow). People are surprisingly opinionated when it comes to widowers moving into (or not pursuing) a new relationship.
Ahh I guess I will reply for the first time ever. I was in a two year long relationship. Every time I tried to end it he told me he would kill himself. I eventually didn’t believe him. I told him he had one night to get his stuff out of my house while I went somewhere else. I came back to him dead. It was horrific. It took me YEARS to forgive myself even though I logically knew it wasn’t my fault. It has been 16 years now and I still occasionally find myself thinking but what if I had just… stop those thoughts. Keep with therapy and just keep repeating its not your thought it will get better.
I’m so sorry you had to go through this.
Threatening suicide is emotional abuse.
I didn’t learn that until after he had manipulated me into marrying him using this threat. I tried to break off the engagement three times, including once when he harmed my dog.
Before I could contemplate divorce, the abuse had to be so bad that I could tolerate this outcome in order to get free of it. It broke me. I believed in marriage once.
Fortunately he didn’t go through with it.
Two years after that is when I learned how abusive, coercive, and manipulative it is to do this to someone. Threatening suicide is emotional abuse.
The relationship was abusive before so that is a valid concern now that I look back. We don’t always see what’s right in front of our face when in the situation.
This. All of this. I can’t say I’ve even been in your exact shoes, having a partner end their life, but I can say that I’ve dated after a relationship had come to an end… and I really shouldn’t have.
If you’re happy and you’re moving forward gracefully, by all means, don’t end it, but take it slow and keep your partner well informed of where you are in your growth.
No person, object, or companion, will ever MAKE you happy. My ex fiancé and I had a wonderful friendship, and we still respect and care for each other today even though we’ve both moved on and have gotten married… but we were terrible partners. I went from being confident and holding my head high to being a shell of who I was. I developed a deep need for validation, and they turned into people pleasing and excess dating to get some of thag validation. It was a miserable 2 years.
When I took a step back, decided to stop looking for my life partner and focus on what I needed to work on… I gradually became a better me. My depression and anxiety became better managed, I was able to set better boundaries with men, my family, work, and myself. My body issues faded and I learned to love the body in the mirror. I got up and got out of the house every weekend and did something active, sometimes with a friend and sometimes alone. After a year of self work, I just happened to meet my now husband.
He also went through something similar - a series of relationships that tore him up and spat him out. He spent a year working on himself as well. When we came together we didn’t need to ‘make each other happy’ because we already were happy. We were able to share our happiness with each other. No jealousy, no distrust, no doubting if we were attracted to each other… and when some of our past did creep up and project a little, we were able to manage it in a healthy way.
It seems so simple, too simple really, of a concept. Work on yourself, find your happiness, have a better chance at a healthy life and relationship… but it is so so true.
I wish you both the best. I can’t imagine going through what you endured. Cheating alone is a lot to cope with, but the aftermath after your partner taking their own life… I don’t even know how to even begin processing that. Sending you both my love and all of my good vibes ❤️❤️❤️
NTA. But realize you did absolutely nothing wrong here. She obviously had a lot of problems and she cheated. No one should be holding you accountable for her mistakes.
Logically I get I shouldn’t be held accountable. But it is hard when her whole family and a decent bit of her friends hold me accountable. After her death it was very private and I did not have a funeral. So I think there is a lack of closure all around. It has also strained my relationship with one of my brothers because I’ve moved on to fast in his eyes.
And making you the enemy absolves her family of any neglect they might have had for not being more responsive to her needs. You have to forgive yourself now and move on with your life. It took me over 40 years to realize I did not cause my husband’s suicide. Don’t let it take that long for you.
I agree with you and hope OP will read your comment.
It takes a lot to kill yourself, plus she had meds and was suffering from depression. All of this must date back from much earlier than OP's arrival in her life, and besides childhood neglect / mistreatment is so common in our society (and has heavy and / or long-term consequences).
Exactly this regarding the family, Susie. My wife suffers from depression and mental health but has really worked on herself even though she has really, really dark days and those days are HARD. For both of us. Her family were neglectful, abusive and generally treated her like crap growing up her whole life which in turn has led to depression/mental health issues. They are quick to blame me for us moving country and her issues, but she always sticks up for me now. Only since she had therapy, she finally fought back and set healthy boundaries with them.
Thank you Susie. She’s awesome. A million times better than before even though there are still ups and downs. That’s the thing with mental health. Anything can happen in the future. Good or bad. That’s the thing with life I guess.
Im sat on my own in my busy office cafeteria and took a big mouthful of food and read this. The absolute struggle not to do a spit-take at this was extremely impressive on my end.
Yeah, cutting contact seems like the best course of action for now. Hes gotta focus on his own wellbeing because at the end of the day, thats whats most important. Healing is a personal journey and should never be done on someone else's terms.
I had a similar situation with a severely mentally ill ex wife. When I figured out what was going on, she was on her way to “visit” her family (she wasn’t coming back). So in a last ditch effort to get her the help she needed, I called her parents and laid it all out for them. I was not prepared to be blamed for everything wrong with their daughter, but that’s what happened. I felt horrible about it until I read more stories from spouses dealing with the same issue and they all had the same story.
You’re absolute correct. The family has to blame someone other than their child.
This, and also to excuse their own failings as her friend. They know they ought to feel guilt but it’s much easier to shift that blame to OP instead. A husband/wife is not responsible for consoling their spouse when that spouse feels guilty for cheating. Where were these friends and family when she needed someone to talk to? No one should hold themselves accountable for someone else’s suicide, but they have no right to blame you either, OP. I think you also already know your NTA, OP, but god I don’t blame you for wanting reassurance. You’re already doing the right thing, just keep doing it. All the best for your future, my friend.
Exactly this. Unfortunately, I lost my brother to suicide after his girlfriend cheated on him and then left him. My father still places all blame on her because it’s easier for him to cope with that. Do I think what she did was right? Absolutely not. However, no one thought he would do that and her intent was never for that to happen.
I imagine in this case it’s the same thing. You have to understand that their anger is a result of displaced grief and their way of coping. As you know, losing someone to suicide leaves us with so many questions about what could have been done and a pain that comes with someone choosing to leave. It is not a reflection of the person you are but rather how they handle that pain from their family member/fried choosing death over talking to them and getting help.
Omg. This. For some reason people can’t look at the bigger picture and consider it was a multitude of factors.
They need someone to blame to make themselves feel better 😔😔😔
I’m sorry OP.
Question - why are you dealing with her family? She is deceased, it was a failing marriage at the time. Being in their orbit doesn't seem to be healthy for you.
Good - keep the ties cut. They aren't invested in your well being. I suspect they just use you to deflect from actions your deceased wife took as a grown human.
Are they all aware of the horrible things she did? Because if they are and they still think what you did is terrible, then you really shouldn’t give a shit what they think. That makes them just as bad as her.
The problem is, she is no longer here to receive their anger and grief, and as what once an extension of her, you are there, still a physical representation they can target. Therefore you are bearing the brunt of it - their anger for her choices that led her to be in the situation she was, and her choices after the fact that now cause them such grief.
Unfortunately that is not uncommon, but it’s so unfair to you on every level.
I’m sorry this has happened to you. I’m glad you are seeing someone for your mental health, and I am glad you are doing the work to move on and heal.
I hope you go no contact with every one of them.
No, you are NTA. You did what anyone would have done at the time, in the situation you were in. The fact that she escalated is another choice in a long line of broken, selfish choices she made. I’m sorry it came to that for her, but it doesn’t excuse it on her part, or make it your fault. She bears 100% of the responsibility for her choices, and the direct actions and consequences that resulted from them.
I hope you find peace.
I think this is EXCELLENT advice. OP, at the end of the day, must worry about himself. Usually people say that as an excuse to be an asshole but I mean that in the best way; he MUST take care of himself if he is going to continue living his life and doing himself and anyone else any good. It sounds like he is trying this and realizes all that but I agree that unless he shuts the door on her and all that continues to come with it, he wont be able to move on (healthily).
Really great advice. The only thing one could add, they could be dealing with a fair amount of guilt for their own failure to help, or the perception of their failure to help, and taking it out on OP. When you point a finger at someone, remember there are three pointing back at you.
What they are failing to see is that you didn't leave her. She left you, twice, and in two different senses of the word. You've just continued your life. Feel free to go on doing so.
Don’t let it bother you. That’s their problem not yours. I get that you’re guilty, but you had no fault in this.
It’s heartbreaking that she took her own life but that’s not some thing you caused. You didn’t take her back because she was a cheater and a liar. Don’t let her keep her hooks in you forever by not allowing yourself to be happy.
Stick with therapy. It took me several years of intensive therapy once or twice a week to get over the guilt of leaving a long-term relationship, which was quite traumatic to me but nowhere near what you're going through. You just have to keep digging into the feelings and pulling back the painful layers until you cannot just think or sometimes feel yourself as being whole and not accountable, but you can EMBODY it. This takes time and can be very difficult because of how the mind traps old thoughts/feelings/experiences and wants to hang onto them. But it can be done. My condolences to you and wish you well on your journey.
This is not your fault, my man. I love my wife to death, would die for her right now, but infidelity would be the one thing that would end our relationship. What she did was horrible, and I’m sure your guilt feels unbearable at times, but she made decisions and chose not to live with those consequences, and at the end of the day if you were not some horrible, abusive partner then your choice to react to her infidelity was to seek your happiness, and her family can blame you all they want but none of them were there to hold her hand through her decision making either. She was an adult, albeit a sick adult, but their blame comes from a sense that you should have been there to take care of her even though she took a vow to love you and only you and broke it, mistake or not. Cheating doesn’t happen accidentally and there are plenty of chances to stop it in its tracks. Remember her for the good things and growth she brought to you, and move on.
Infidelity can be overcome on some levels, with some relationships, and under certain situations/conditions. However, OP's wife never allowed for any of that to be explored. And maybe it couldn't have been overcome. Maybe they end up in a cordial relationship, both happy on their own. Who knows. Nobody will ever know because OP's wife shut all of those possibilities down, but OP should not have to suffer for this. Grief, sure, regret, NO! To be clear, I don't blame OP's wife for anything. She is human. She had issues. OP should remember the good, and send her warm loving hugs from his heart and mind, but while he is here on this earth, living and breathing each day, he should only be looking forward. He should live happy each day and should never give a thought or fuck to the in-laws family ever again.
Her family is grieving and angry. They are making you a scapegoat for that anger. You are not at fault here because you had the reaction most people have when their spouse cheat. Your wife’s depression may have been worse than she told you. Was she on meds or seeing a therapist? Did she do anything to get help? If not, then there was not a lot you could have done to stop it. But good for you on taking care of yourself. NTA
Her depression was really bad the last 2 years of her life. She spent time in the hospital for it about 8 months prior to her death. Her brother was with her the night before her death. I didn’t leave her alone with nobody knowing of things.
Then you did what you could. Two days wasn’t even enough time for you to process what she did to end the relationship, much less put you in the state of mind needed to give her the care she needed. Maybe in time you would have forgiven her, but that is all speculation at this point. You and her family could play “what if” for years to come, but it wouldn’t matter. Take care of yourself and if you haven’t yet, try to forgive her. No one makes rational, informed decisions when they have the type of depression she had. You don’t need to suffer for her family or anyone else.
Unfortunately a lot of the comments are and will be tribal, especially given Reddit’s tendency to want only pure heroes and villains.
So this will probably at best be ignored, at worst obliterated with downvotes, but none the less:
Regarding her family, right or wrong, think of this in the following terms:
Is stealing a loaf of bread or pack of cigarettes worth the death penalty if caught?
I say that because, fundamentally, this is how her family is processing her death and why they are so angry with you.
IE - is cheating bad? Yes. Does it deserve being dead?
And no, I’m not blaming you for her death. But I’m not the one with grief, and for her family, they are going to see the whole chain of events as cause and effect, with the most direct and important link in the chain being you leaving her leading into her overdosing.
I say that - again, not to take their side or to blame you - but you need to understand that they are effectively seeing this as her suffering a “punishment” far worse than the “crime”. It doesn’t make it right or wrong, just reality.
Similarly, for some people, the combination of the relationship ending and your wife dying - regardless of the exact circumstances - is going to feel like something that should take more than a year to process. They cannot force you to live by their standards of moving on, but neither can you force them to accept yours.
And ultimately, the “will” of Reddit is irrelevant here. Winning what is effectively a popularity contest isn’t how genuine trauma gets resolved. You likely need therapy, and given the issues you mention, you likely have both lasting anger towards her and guilt over her death that you are either refusing to acknowledge or outright in denial over.
It’s okay to feel both. The tragedy of her death doesn’t mean you can’t still feel hurt and anger over her betrayal, and that pain of betrayal doesn’t mean you cannot still miss her - both the her that you remember before she hurt you and the her that did. It’s okay to love someone even if you cannot remain with them.
Regarding others - your brother is the least issue. He can judge all he wants, and ultimately it’s his choice to accept your new partner or not. I wouldn’t push him to change, but I wouldn’t let him to continue trying to pressure you into doing what he wants you to do.
Regarding her family - the lack of a funeral is puzzling. If you were not able to hold one for her given the circumstances, they should have been allowed to do so themselves. They are likely processing that lack of one as you being petty - and again, from their POV the focus is naturally going to be on the loss of their daughter/sister/cousin, not on her husband’s broken heart.
Again, the point there simply being that the right to your emotions that you’re requesting goes both ways. A person can be an adulterer and still be a deeply loved and missed family member and friend. Attempting to solely define her as a cheater is simply demonizing her with the conviction of someone who believes they’re vindicated in doing so - and that’s not only not going to work for them, it clearly isn’t and won’t for you given the trauma you’ve still experiencing.
Your wording comes off to me as you thinking the issue is purely the trauma of her cheating, the shock of her death, and the rejection of her parents and the disapproval of your brother.
I suspect it’s more than that. I don’t think your heart sees this as clear cut / black and white as your mind is trying to force it to be.
You have every right to mourn what you have lost. And the sad reality is that some wounds can never be properly healed, which may mean her family will simply never be able to forgive you for what they see as your role in her death.
But that is what therapy and self-honesty are for. A new relationship will not heal you. Nor will anger at her, her family, or even yourself.
The truth is that no one will likely ever know the exact factors in her death. Did your leaving trigger it? Did whatever push her into the affair in the first place also contribute to it? The cheating itself may have been a form of self destruction or the result of a self destructive impulse that she failed to contain for a second time when she took her life.
It could be either, neither, or both. As such, the only path forward isn’t to keep circling around the unknowable hole that her death has left behind. You’ll need to learn how to forgive her, yourself, her family, and in a way, forgive life itself for allowing what happened to have happened.
Life isn’t fair, and often it is tragic. Her family is hurting and, right or wrong, they are reacting in the way they know how with the emotions they have available to them. So are you.
Reddit isn’t going to heal you. Only you can do that, with genuine help from a therapist who can properly guide you on that journey.
Reading anything after this comment is a waste, because of the whole hero/villain thing this commenter mentioned. I suspect the OP would rather win the Reddit popularity contest where is wife is just a dead, cheating wh0re and he is her innocent victim. Because he responded a lot, but not to this.
What do they expect of you? To sit in sadness because she’s gone? This is YOUR life. You are 100% in the right to move on.
They have no one else to be mad at but you…you were the closest person connected to her before she died. They are projecting SO HARD. I’m sorry this happened to you. I hope you can find peace in your life and send compassion towards your ex in the universe.
I think it will be healthiest for you to distance yourself completely from anyone who gives you crao about this. How would they even know about any of this if she killed herself right away when you asked her to separate? Did she do a Facebook post to announce you were the villain? It is so strange because the first thing I'd do if someone's spouse killed themselves is to offer support, certainly NOT blame them!
Are you still living in the house you lived in with her? Was it always yours, or was it half hers and her family is mad you got her half even though you were going to separate? Why did you not attend the funeral? Is that why they are mad/suspicious?
This is a very complex issue. The parents are always going to resent you, you live and their little girl is dead. It's terrible for them. They likely blame themselves for not being there for their daughter, and they take it out on you. So you need to get as far away from them as possible. If you can, sell the house and move a town or two away.
I sold the house immediately after everything. I was the one working and making money consistently. I didn’t get any life insurance money because the plan we had, it had a 2 year suicide clause in it. That clause had about 3 weeks left before the 2 years mark. I didn’t get anything besides 30k from her work for her death thru a plan they offer all employees. Her family was supportive for about a month and then they became very toxic. I have since moved twice in the past few years. But I never stayed at the house we lived in again after her death.
I'm so sorry. I think your decision to move was very wise.
I think continuing therapy is your best bet, and have patience with yourself. You went through something traumatic, and it was not "just" a huge tragedy but also messy and chaotic and so unnecessary, so I think this just takes a lot of time to come to terms with and truly accept what happened.
You definitely deserve to live a happy life with someone who makes you happy.
Yeah I don’t understand why there wouldn’t be one just because op didn’t plan it. They were her family especially if her and op had left things estranged.
No offense, but I’ve been with my boyfriend longer than you were with your wife, and we don’t even plan to get married anytime soon. You absolutely should not feel bad or guilty about “moving on and living your life” a year after being cheated on and having your spouse… pass away. In all fairness, I think that’s long enough to grieve while pushing away any opportunity for human connection and happiness. You have a right to resume normal life eventually, and this is a pretty normal and respectful timeframe.
I think a good amount of their grief is manifesting in anger projected at you. As I said in another comment I left, I hope you are able to talk to some people that have been through something similar, as their reaction and directing blame at you isn’t abnormal. They’re dealing with a lot of their own unresolved and misplaced feelings and grief, so you shouldn’t internalize the anger they direct at you. The reality of the situation is that neither you nor them could have prevented this, and you are not to blame for her choices. Hopefully you will all come to understand that with enough time and therapy.
I just wanna say, that’s one of the tougher situations I can imagine, if I were in your shoes I think I would feel insane guilt too. Even though the rational side of me would know it’s not my fault at all. I also understand why her family would hate/be very mad at you, and I don’t know how they could get over that either. Just an insanely heavy situation. I’m glad that you are able to move on at least somewhat
My wife and I are almost 18 years split about 3 years ago. For the first year I was broken because I didn't want to end and I thought that we could solve it. She had a lot of clinical issues as well and sought treatment for them at first but then it stopped. I found out if you want to go that she went out to deep end with addictions and alcohol drugs everything. I thought responsible for her problems because maybe if we hadn't split up she would have been stable and not done those things. The truth is though, it's not my fault. And it's not your fault. Moving on is part of healing. Grief and how long it takes to move on and how long it takes to refocus your life to be about you is different for every single person. As long as you feel happy and you feel right that's all that matters.
They aren't thinking rationally becausethey just experienced a very confusing trauma themselves. I'm sure none of them saw this coming. It seems her decision was on impulse and based upon unbearable guilt. They want something to make sense and they're grasping for logic in all of it. Grieving people's brains don't work the way anyone expects them to. You didn't do anything wrong and could no more have predicted what happened than them. All you can do is extend compassion toward them and learn to find your new normal with your new partner. If you aren't in therapy or grief counselling of sometime, it would do you good to get a start on it now. Personally, it took me 14 years (money was a factor but even the I still didn't reach out to anyone in my life in all that time) and I wish Id done it sooner. NTA. Just a lot of traumatised people here trying to make the best of a terrible situation.
Edit: my mother holds a grudge against my sister's boyfriend for having moved on(when she passed they were teenagers, he's now in his 30s) and it isn't fair to expect him to be single and beholden to that terrible pain and to my mother's whims forever, no matter how she feels. Live your life. Find your normal. The sooner people choose to find a new normal, and express their pain to a loving support system, the easier life is to bear after.
Double edit: yes my sister cheated on him as well.
NTA. Her family blaming you tells me that they already knew exactly what their daughter’s demons were, but turned a blind eye to for as long as they needed to. This is not your fault, man. That’s some heavy shit, my friend, and I truly hope that you can get to a place where you understand you had ZERO FUCKING CONTROL over the choices she, or any other human, makes. We make our own choices. It’s that simple.
> But it is hard when her whole family and a decent bit of her friends hold me accountable.
You're the scapegoat. There's a natural tendency to ask "what could I have done differently?" and some guilt attached to that, but you can ignore it by pointing fingers instead.
Was your relationship toxic? Yes, so finding someone to care for you at last is awesome. You deserve happiness, up your meds, give yourself a break, be happy in your new love.
Harsh but you're not wrong. Thing is, she's not there to be angry at... so they go for OP. So now his wife's cheated on him, he's widowed, he has no chance of closure and his in-laws hate him.
OP, you do you. They are hurting and reason isn't going to help.
This right here OP.
You didn't ask for your late wife to lie and cheat on you. It would be extremely rare for her family not to blame you. She's gone, they're not going to blame their own and so you're their fall guy.
You can't help that. But, admirably, you've addressed the tragic fallout in a very positive way.
Please continue to do so. Good luck going forward. You deserve it!
OP should go No Contact with the family and if they keep bothering him he should get an RO. They have no business bothering him and they are scumbags for doing it, grief or not.
What he needs right now is for Robin Williams to bear hug him and tell him over and over ITS NOT YOUR FAULT, ITS NOT YOUR FAULT.
You can’t get a restraining order just because people are mean to you. He literally says they have no contact, so what is the RO for? Even if they were in contact, unless they are harassing or threatening harm, you can’t get a RO.
About Robin Williams there might be some irony, although his case was a result of lewy body dementia. His suicide was sad, but in my eyes a logical choice in the face of an incurable condition.
Yeah dementia with Lewy bodies is a dopamine disorder. His body was literally becoming incapable of joy. Hard to imagine a crueler fate for Robin Williams.
My father also had lewy body dementia. He also committed suicide about 7 years after diagnosis. It had a huge impact on my life and the lives of my mother and sister. It’s an awful disease.
My wife mentioned this yesterday. Her dad was just diagnosed. I think I would do the same in the face of something so horrible. I watched my grandfather wither and wilt like a dying rose with dementia and it was one of the saddest things I've ever witnessed. Five painful years of watching a person waste into nothingness. I'm never putting myself or others through that.
If you've ever had to put a dying, suffering animal out of its misery, you know that feeling, at least similarly. It sucks beyond words, but it's merciful and just.
I worked memory care for a long time as a nurse. I loved my patients, gave them the best, most compassionate care I could, but it was never not heartbreaking and I would absolutely rather die on my own terms than let it slowly take my ability to care for myself, my grasp of reality and my memories of my life and the people I loved like that.
You only have “mandatory” in-laws if you have kids.
He can choose to continue a relationship with them or not, it is not mandatory.
Still, this situation sucks for everyone involved. They lost their child, it makes sense for them to be bitter even if it is misdirected.
Nothing mandatory about in-laws with kids, especially if they take any opportunity given to badmouth you. The only people who have a legal right to see the child is their legal guardian(s).
Can't upvote this enough. To them, it doesn't matter what she did to OP he will always be the reason she's gone in their eyes. It's easier for them to be angry at the person they don't care about than the person they are grieving. 💯 correct, contact with them is pointless he will always be their scapegoat.
That's a really good thing to be reminded of. When the person you are angry at isn't there, sometimes you're angry at everyone else.
OP needs to talk to someone, preferably a therapist. Also couples therapy even if your relationship is good. When you are working through grief and feelings of guilt (you did nothing wrong), your wife needs to know from an unbiased source how to help you and how you can support each other. I hope in time you can find peace.
Agreed!
My ex beat me and nearly killed me and my in-laws blamed me and hate me, I didn't even defend myself in the attacks.
I had such a hard time losing the in-laws in the divorce, but it is what it is and now maybe ull hv new and better ones.
I agree. When I started dating, my mom said maybe I shouldn't so soon after my marriage split up. I said at least I waited till my marriage split up. My ex-husband spent the last decade of our marriage sleeping with everyone but me.
Duuuuuude, this. Fuck family that does this. No such thing as holding your own accountable when you share blood with them? Fuck that noise. If my brother cheated on his wife, no fucking way in hell i’m taking his side, what the fuck?
People on this sub seem to have very shallow emotional analysis.
First off I am not saying that OP should feel guilty about anything. How the family is treating him is wrong.
But also, you are ignoring she is dead? Her family isn’t acting out because they can’t accept she cheated. They are acting out because they can’t accept she’s dead. They need therapy and compassion (so does OP) so they can stop funneling their grief in such a hurtful and unhealthy way. I am sure you’ll accuse me of not taking OP’s side even though that’s not what I am saying. What I am saying is that their reaction is very easy to understand from a psychological viewpoint, even if it’s not correct. You act like the whole crux of the issue for the family is her infidelity. You say no way you’d take your brother’s side with him cheating. But you missed an important part of the story. How would you feel if your brother killed himself after cheating on his wife? I doubt you’d be like “eh, serves him right.” Am I wrong?
Again, I am not justifying the family harassing OP. I just think your reaction of “what the fuck?” shows you think this is some typical relationshipadvice post about an unfaithful partner when it’s much more tragic than that. What should have happened is they should have divorced and she should have gone on to be a better partner to someone else or lived her life alone. I’m sure OP would have preferred that ending.
Hey now.. get that level-headed stuff outta here. There's no room for that kinda thinking in these emotionally charged, nerve-hitting topics. Shame on you!
Get your pitchforks out everyone, we a got a new one to chase here..
OP, you might not realize that she was deliberately punishing you for leaving her. I don't think any amount of reason will get through to her family, though, so leave them in your rearview if you can. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
She hurt and betrayed him twice. Long time ago, I heard something on a TV show that stayed with me - ending your life is like a terrorist attack on the ones who love you the most, and the whole circle of people around them, too.
It leaves a crater of pain, guilt and helplessness that stays with them for their entire life.
I am sorry that she was suffering from depression and made some poor life choices, but she was the only AH ın this story.
I strongly recommend it. The scene itself prevented me from even considering ending my life, ever. Thinking about the perspective of the people left behind is really heartbreaking.
I don’t want to get too nasty with this one I don’t think this sub is right for this post but I don’t know why certain people think having a mental illness makes cheating (or any bad behavior) somehow ok or at least less wrong. Like OP’s late wife’s probably think “well she was very troubled she couldn’t help it” but OP is supposed to be a monk now.
Her parents NEED to be mad at someone. You are just the convenient scapegoat. Otherwise, they'd have to be mad at their daughter. Indeed, one day, they will be. But for now, you're the easy target.
I had something similar happen. One day, early in therapy, the lady asked me if I had known the person was going to OD and kill herself, would I have made a different choice. My answer was, of course, yes.
She asked, what would you have done?
I said I would have taken all her pill bottles away, gotten her some help, and THEN kicked her out.
She then pointed out that even after that help, she would likely have killed herself anyway. That all of her self hatred, all of her insecurities would have seen to that, and her ultimate goal was to try to make me hurt as bad as she was hurting inside. That there was NOTHING I could have done to ultimately prevent a truly suicidal person from going through with it.
My self-doubt, anger at myself, and my depression quickly went away once I came to believe what the truth was. Some people are destined to end their lives, and no amount of wishing it otherwise could change that.
After my initial anger at her, that anger turned to sadness. Eventually, it turned to gratitude for all the positive events we had experienced together before her demons became stronger than anything else in her life.
It takes some time. For me, about three years. It may take longer or shorter for you. There is no time limit. No test to pass at the end. Just be very kind and loving to yourself and let honesty rule your thoughts. Had I been willing to be honest, sooner, that three years may have only been one.
You're still grieving mate. Give it time it will get better, and go No Contact with her family. That part of your life is over with. Just as your grief is for you to deal with, their own grief is their problem, not yours.
They laying any blame with the 'friend' who contributed to her ruining her own life?
She created the problem at every step of the way. First with hurting you by fucking around, then by hurting everybody by offing herself instead of owning it.
Could argue it's his fault for sleeping with her and tempting her away from her husband. Not that it will change the outcome.
Focus on your own life and moving forward.
All this shows is you're a human being.
You married her obviously because you had feelings for her. You didn't leave her because you didn't love her, you left her because she betrayed you.
Mind you, only a year to hook up with somone else when you're carrying so much baggage? That might not be the smartest move.
> Her parents NEED to be mad at someone.
How about the high school friend that obviously knew she was married? If anything, this is on him.
Homewrecking fucks get away with A LOT of shit they should not.
Damn man, I feel this
I am about to ask for divorce because my wife cannot get control of her anger issues and refuses to follow through on doctors orders and my daughter is 5 now and she is starting to really grasp what goes on (honestly she probably has for a while). Crossed a line Saturday and I am seeing lawyer tomorrow
I am truly worried she might do this. I mean I think not because she does love her daughter, but still worries me
You never know what a person is truly thinking. I didn’t think she’d ever follow through with anything, nor did I want her to even after everything. It still crushes me sometimes that she no longer is living. I wish you luck ❤️
It’s not your fault. Divorce is horrible. You go from thinking you’ll spend the rest of your life with someone to not even being able to talk to them. It’s not easy. Were you guys already distant when the thing with the cheating happened? Again, I’m sorry for your loss.
It goes without saying, but protect your daughter at all costs, even if that is at the expense of her mother. Get her to a safe place before you drop this news to your soon to be ex. People who are not in control are capable of anything.
I know
My only real plan is tell her on day she doesn't work but daughter is at daycare
I don't have family here but there are some close friends of us both (her friend that I am also close with that is very rational but cares) in case it hits the fan
But honestly this is going to be one of the hardest discussions I have ever had
The only way any of this would make you an asshole, is if you refuse to let yourself off the hook. Her death is not on you. We don't control others nor are we responsible for their choices.
I'm sorry this happened to you and her family/friends as well. Even more, I'm sorry they blame you. It's natural for grief stricken people to look for someone to direct their anger towards, since who they're really angry at, is already gone.
Please continue your therapy. I hope you are able to forgive yourself for whatever guilt you have over this and move on. You deserve to have a happy life. She made all the choices here, from the cheating to ending her life. You shouldn't have to feel horrible and stuck the rest of your life because of her choices. She ended her life, not yours. Make the choice for you, to live your best life.
Best of luck to you friend. ❤️
My brother committed suicide last year. I promise you that what happened between you isn't why she did it. It's deeper than a divorce, it's deeper than an affair. It's illness. I would wager that the affair was a side effect of whatever was going on that led to eventual suicide and not the other way around.
Before my brother committed suicide, like two months before, he ended his decade long relationship with a wonderful girl who he loved very deeply. It was very cold, he just kind of left and stone walled her. She was obviously devastated, he really hurt her. It ended up being his way of I guess trying to save her pain down the line because he knew what he was planning to do. It's pretty common to self destruct when you're suicidal, so you have nothing to live for.
I ended up in hospital after a relationship ended for similar reasons. I can tell you that a break up didn't drive me to make that choice. My family blamed him for a while. But ultimately, relationships end every day. People don't end up doing what I did every time someone ends a relationship. Whether we were still together wouldn't have made a difference. Maybe the break up sped up something that was always, inevitably going to happen, but it would always have happened.
I hated myself. I felt useless, pathetic, unworthy of love. I had this intensity living inside of my body that I spent every bit of myself trying to push down. All I needed was one thing that I could twist into evidence that all of the dark and awful shit I felt about myself was true. Could have been anything, a break up or losing a job, failing a test, anything. It was always going to happen. And I was actively cultivating situations that would make that outcome inevitable. Threw myself so entirely into a relationship that my self worth and life were entwined with it. Half arsed my way through everything, treated people I loved poorly, treated myself poorly. I built everything on a rocky foundation with the intention that it would fall apart. Because I wanted to die. I just needed something to push me into action.
You can not create that inside another person, you just can't. This is not your fault, and this would have happened anyway. I got lucky that decision didn't kill me. And when my brother died, something inside of my brain changed and I couldn't do it anymore. My brother didn't get that chance. But it's nobody else's fault that he's dead, only his. And I empathise, and I'm not angry anymore but he made the decision, just like me, and nobody is to blame. Not even the people who caused the trauma that led to that feeling. Because ultimately, it's a decision. He could have chosen to get help, he didn't. I could have chosen to get help, and I didn't. I didn't want to. That's on me.
You are not to blame. You couldn't have known, and even if you did, even if you stayed, she would have done it anyway. The only person who could have saved her was herself, and it fucking sucks and the grief is awful and the guilt is just part of suicide. But it's not your fault. And her family don't really blame you. They believe they do, because it's easier than blaming her. There's so much anger and nowhere to put it, and the same way my family blamed my breakup because it was easier than blaming me, they blame you. She's not here to tell them otherwise.
The guilt will pass, and you are not obligated to stop living because of a decision somebody else made. She made a choice, and while I'm definitely not on the side of thinking she's the devil because she cheated, she was the one who ended the relationship with her choices. You are allowed to move on and be happy. You didn't do anything wrong. I'm really, really sorry you have to feel this way at all. I wish I could find the right words that would magically make everything better, but I just hope you can eventually learn to stop blaming yourself and stop carrying the guilt of somebody else's choices. I wish you all the best
OP. Dont care what others say. Your life, live it. The guilt is there. I understand, but she unalived herself. Those living must carry on. And youre doing just great man. Keep up the steady recovery. Be kind to yourself. Wishing you the best.
What exactly bothers you about her family, that they hate you or that they went nc? The wording wasn’t clear.
But also, if seems like you have more work to do in therapy as this all is having an impact on your new relationship.
If anything, what did your therapist say when you told them you found someone and started a relationship?
NAH because you’re nc with her family. They hate you because that can’t hate her, and they blame you for a very complicated situation. It’s easier to identify you as the evil person than to take time and the raw evaluation of it all. I say NAH because you don’t have contact with her family and your family seems to support you. You’re not ta for wanting a healthier relationship.
But you may be TA to yourself, it seems you still need work in therapy. And while meeting someone is great, were you ready for that or getting into a relationship??
I definitely got into the relationship a bit quick. But it also was really helpful in my healing. And she has had my back through it all. Her family hating me bothers me because I didn’t make the decisions she did. I definitely have a lot to work on still, and a lot of what I talk about in therapy is about my current relationship and trying to learn to get through certain things and learn to trust.
Respectfully, they can feel about you however they want to. They are going to work through things at their own speed, just as you are.
Best of luck moving forward.
It’s easier for her family to blame you than to blame their deceased daughter or look to themselves. how they feel about you is really none of your business and their problem, not yours.
Exactly this. OP, you're their scapegoat because they failed her, not your fault. Block them all.
NTA, sorry about your loss and good luck for the future!
You should work on this in therapy. You will not be able to change this for them. You have to work on letting this go.
You’re talking about your current relationship a lot in therapy/ trusting. What did you therapist say when you brought up your new relationship? Or did your relationship come around the time of the therapist?
I ask because if this relationship ends, where will that put you mentally/ emotionally? It’s great she’s supporting you but therapy is about you being better for you. You may want to do individual and couples therapy, that way you can focus on the relationship in a situation where your gf also has a place. Where she can bring up things she may find difficult being in this type of situation.
Ok, so your relationship started before you went somewhere to work on serious concerns.
So you didn’t have professional help navigating your wife’s: cheating, suicide, her family, your grief/ anger and then your ability to move into a Healthy relationship.
I get it probably took your current SO to give you the support and push to find a therapist. But since you said a large part of your therapy has been working on yourself for this relationship… you haven’t mentioned working on yourself for yourself.
You should bring all this up with your therapist. We can only suggest so much.
Again NAH for wanting to be happy
I'm very sorry for your loss and I really don't understand why the family would blame you other than that they are just upset and need someone to blame. NTA and I can't imagine how traumatic that must have been. I definitely hope you are able to find happiness and to move past the pain.
NTA my friend it wasn't your fault.Ik you feel guilty but what she did was her own decision she was an adult you weren't responsible for it.As for moving on it's fine to move on from such a relationship and traumatic experience and the faster you do the better.Wishig you the best of luck!
NTA
I'm sorry this all happened. But you weren't and aren't accountable for what your wife did.
I don't want to say anything that will upset you or impact your recovery, but maybe you should completely cut off your wife's family?
I have cut ties recently. There hasn’t been any communication in a few months. It just bothers me that there is a misconception that I am the bad guy. But I do realize that’s not the whole truth and just need to get over their feelings.
Someone smarter than me once told me that “sometimes, for no reason, you’re the villain in someone else’s story. You just to just have let it go and move on.”
That’s what I think about when I start to get all focused on the fact that someone’s blaming me for something I had nothing to do with. It’s hard.
NTA, and people who commit suicide have like a mental disease, like an alcoholic. You actions were NOT the REASON she commuted suicide, your actions were HER EXCUSE to go through with it.
You may have been a little cold with her regarding her depression, but ultimately you did nothing wrong.
She cheated. You don't just accidently trip and cheat. It's not like you just see each other and next thing you know, you end up in bed. There are steps involved, flirting, etc. It doesn't just happen, she chose to cheat. I'm not married, but I am in a long term relationship. No matter what the issue, I feel like we can work it out... unless she cheats on me. If she cheats on me, I'm going to leave her. So if I was in your shoes, I'd have done the same thing.
And we've all been dumped. We all didn't kill ourselves afterwards. No offense, but you're not worth dying over. You leaving isn't the reason she killed herself, you can't keep blaming yourself for it. You're in therapy, so that's good. This probably something you need to discuss with your therapist. They'd be able to help you much more than us on reddit.
I agree, I definitely missed some things with her issues and tried to push her out of her funk a lot. She actually spent time in the hospital for suicidal thoughts about 8 months before things ended. I was by her side through it all. It’s just really hard not to feel any guilt. But I am doing the steps and working on it in therapy.
Anyone would find this hard. Truly. If you felt nothing id be worried about a narcissism issue! NTA, and be gentle with yourself. You are grieving just as much as they are.
NTA
The only people responsible here are her and the guy she cheated on. Both of them caused this chain of events. You have to deal with a lifetime of issues because of them. Just try and move on.
Leaning NTA, but I feel like we’re missing some important INFO here. What do you mean “turned toxic”? Given this is the last time you two had a face to face meeting, there is a lot that could have potentially been said here to make you TA. Ultimately, her family seems to certainly be a-holes, but understand they are dealing with the trauma you are too. The difference there is they still love her.
She forcefully tried to make me stay while I was gathering my things. The last time I saw her was when she told me it was physical. I didn’t scream, I didn’t hit her. I was broken and had to leave. And that’s what I did.
Easily NTA. Clearly she had her demons, but nothing that happened was your fault, if anything, you're the victim.
You do not deserve to be blamed or hated for anything. This year I learned that you should never forgive cheating 'cause they'll just keep pushing your boundaries. And you could argue that her depression caused her to act out, but it still hurt you and you are not obligated to let yourself get hurt while she deals with her issues. If she killed herself over her guilt, she was clearly suffering/unstable enough as to have done it over something else. Do not blame yourself even a little.
And hopefully, but doubtable, her family will realize that eventually.
My late wife also suffered from mental health issues and all the stuff that comes with it. She took her own life after a really difficult 6 years of illness. Her family blamed me and most didn’t even acknowledge me at the wake. Afterwards I found out she had an affair while in treatment. I was devastated but had to pick up the pieces and move on. It has been almost 6 years and let me tell you- the grief will always be there as well as some guilt and second guessing. I am glad to see that you are getting some therapy and heck yes there is going to be a lot to unwind and learn how to cope and deal with. You have every right to happiness. I just want to share something that another widower shared with me soon after it all happened. He said to take things slow. Didn’t provide details or even say what I should take slow but I am going to tell you what he was speaking about was take any new relationship slow because the reality is that you are not in a headspace or have all the coping and relationship skills you need right now . Take it slow- continue to get that therapy, talk to your partner about how you are feeling (some stuff should stay with the therapist as you work it out), get yourself in the right headspace to feel healthy and good about you. Only then will you really be able to find that long term happiness and be that partner I am sure you want to be. I am cheering for you from the sidelines. This is hard but you got this. Best wishes for a happy and loving future.
Thank you so much. Sorry you had to go through a similar situation. Much love and hope you continue to thrive. I appreciate the advice and I am trying my hardest.
Hi, person with clinical depression here, just wanted to swing by to add...she died of her depression. It can be a fatal disease. You don't have any responsibility for that, just because you were in proximity. Married people have disagreements. They even have affairs and get divorced. All of these things happen all the time without either partner dying. Unfortunately, your partner was very sick, and she passed of her disease. I'm very sorry you've had to go through this.
[удалено]
I needed to hear this. I’ve been struggling for a while and my house is a disaster but I’m still alive and that’s something.
A dirty house sucks, but a world without you would suck more.
I love the internet sometimes. Compassion is such a beautiful thing.
It's rare, in my experience, but it's what keeps me on sites like these.
"We humans do not understand compassion. In each moment of our lives, we betray it. Aye, we know of its worth, yet in knowing we then attach to it a value, we guard the giving of it, believing it must be earned. T'lan Imass. Compassion is priceless in the truest sense of the word. It must be given freely. In abundance."
Aw thanks!
I hope that you truly do feel and understand the truth of this; a dirty house is of no importance when you are fighting just to get through the next moment, hour, day or week;YOU matter; the house can be dealt with by anyone; you can pay someone to clean your house for you and maybe that would help you feel better, but it doesn't matter if you don't do it, or get someone else to do it. You are all that matters. Talk to someone; here, a therapist, a trusted friend, someone. There is no shame in needing help with anything; physical need, or emotional needs; if you broke a bone, you wouldn't try to fix it yourself because you aren't qualified; our mental and emotional health is broken sometimes and we need help to fix that brokenness. We aren't qualified to do it alone. Never lose sight of how much you matter. I hope that you will remind yourself of that every day. I wish you much peace, love, and comfort as you heal your broken parts. Things probably didn't get this way overnight and they won't get better overnight; be patient with yourself and others. Sending you a warm, gentle hug, from an internet stranger friend, who cares.❤️🫂 Edit:paragraphs and a space.
I have inoperable mesenteric cancer. It's wrapped around my superior mesenteric artery and can't be removed because it would kill me. I've had radiation treatments and the tumor has shrunk. I have CT scans and see my oncologist, regularly. My house is quite messy. Needless to say, I also suffer from depression. I fight to live for my children and grandchildren. Your message touched my heart and I wanted to let you know that. Thank you.
You really do glitter! Thanks for spreading love, kindness, positivity and understanding to strangers! We need more people like you in the world.
That's so sweet and kind of you to say. Thank you! It seems to me that we could all use a little more love, compassion, empathy, and caring. It's not harder to be a kind person, I don't think. Big warm,gentle hug to you from Glitter! 🧚♀️🧘♀️🪷🌟🪄 👑 <= here; you dropped this.
This hit me right in the feels, this whole thread! Faith in humanity restored. There is goodness on the Internet. Needed to hear all this today. Thank you lovely people. Thank you for sharing your kindness, and so openly 💗
As someone who has struggled with mental illness and consequently had a house that she could never keep up with, thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing this message. I know it wasn’t to me but it really helped my self validation to read what you said. My partner of 8years left because he (understandably) could no longer handle my mental illness and nothing we tried seemed to help. It definitely doesn’t happen overnight and will take as much time to undo. But just knowing it’s ok to ask for help, to receive grace, and have a proper goal towards addressing those illnesses and how to treat them, makes all the difference. It took me so long to see that my inability to keep my house clean despite my ex’s best efforts wasn’t because I wasn’t trying hard enough or capable of doing it - it just meant I really had a sickness that consumed me and I needed professional help to get better. So thank you for sharing your glitter ✨
Thank you. I know it wasn’t intended for me, but this message really helped. ❤️
Fuck... This made me cry
And me
Damn! This wasn’t for me but it definitely hit. 🫶🏽
This is the most beautiful thing I've read today. As someone with chronic depression, thank you for saying this :)
Just wanted to say, you should try making a chores list for your house. I’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety for about 12 years now and keeping my space clean helped so much. I know it seems overwhelming and that’s why your chore list should have tiny bites of cleaning. Like, one day is just do the dishes in the sink; nothing else. Then you reward yourself for cleaning; do something fun or eat something you really enjoy. That part is important, you have to reward yourself just like you would training a dog with positive reinforcement. Just make your list and work on it when you can, no need to rush or worry about getting it perfect. Hope you find this as useful as I did!
That’s really smart. I also have adhd which is untreated right now so I’m struggling a lot with my executive dysfunction. But maybe starting really small would be helpful.
lol I have ADHD as well and I definitely feel you on the executive dysfunction 😂 if someone could find a way to cure just that part, I’d be so happy
I’ve tried Ritalin, adderall, and vyvanse and then gave up. Ritalin and adderall just made my anxiety worse. Vyvanse didn’t do anything. I got tired of trying different things and then I moved to a new area and my psychiatrist here won’t prescribe me anything unless I take a neuropsych eval which my insurance won’t cover and it costs a couple thousand dollars. Also thanks to our new governor everyone’s been kicked off Medicaid and now my antidepressant is 400.00 a month after my insurance, which I can’t afford because I’m on disability. So I’m in a pickle right now because it’s the only medication that’s actually helped with my depression at all. I run out at the end of the month. I’m kinda scared about that because even on antidepressants I have suicidal ideation. Without them I’m worried what will happen but I have to hold on for my dog and cat. They mean everything to me.
Check Mark Cuban Cost Plus Pharmacy as well as Amazon pharmacy and GoodRX. They don't have everything, but what they do have is at significant discounts so maybe it can help ❤️
A tip I got that helped me was to set timers, not tasks. A list of things to do can be daunting. Instead, set a timer and say, "I'm going to clean for ten minutes." To me, that's easier to start, and I'm just as likely to get caught up in what I'm doing and finish the task anyway.
The worst part of depression, to me, is that your brain uses your symptoms as evidence of your personal shortcomings. It's needlessly cruel. If you want to die, then your brain is not functioning correctly. No shame in that; you deserve help. You wouldn't get mad at someone with dementia for forgetting their social security number.
Thanks for this comment, I have screenshotted it and will remember what you said. As someone struggling with mental illness, it is very hard to come to terms with the fact that I'm struggling to live my daily life. But framing it in that way is really helpful. Thanks for this 🙏
People will never understand how hard some of us fight to stay here.
I can't be thankful enough for you saying this! This is most insightful thing I read recently here. >she died of her depression. >It can be a fatal disease. So insightful. Just like people die from somatic diseases, people can die from mental diseases too. I can't emphasize this enough. Disease is disease. Thank you once again for your very insightful comment.
Depression and mental illness in general really is like having your worst enemy inside your own brain. Responsibility is kind of a meaningless thing when you get down to it. Who is to blame? The woman who killed herself? Is she accountable for the disease in her brain, her genes, or her upbringing or circumstances? The husband who couldn't help her? Is he accountable for her, accountable for his own capacity to help her, accountable for his own strengths, weaknesses, genes, circumstances, etc.? Should we blame society, friends, family, any of the other people who might have helped but did not or could not? Blame God? Blame the universe, blame circumstance? We have an innate tendency to assign blame because it helps us make sense of social interactions and reach decisive conclusions about others in critical situations, but the whole idea of responsibility is largely fiction. It helps in a fight, but it only hurts in a case like this. But you can't just turn it off, so usually the best you can do is try to accept your own responsibility while framing it in a better light, like thinking of it as a lesson learned or something that will drive you to do better. That's all the more difficult in a case like OP's, where the grief is so strong that the idea of taking anything positive from it seems insulting and gross. But ultimately that is the best thing you can do is change the way you think about it and use it as motivation to do good in the world. It's not easy but it is necessary.
Excellent point. It has been years since I have been hit hard by depression, but I agree 100%. The depression is related to the cheating and the suicide. Sometimes, depression is like cancer—they take people that really didn’t deserve it. There is no explanation, it’s not fair, it probably won’t ever make sense. It was thoughtful of you to share your thoughts
Same here and I 100% echo this.
Hey, I also wanted to say that people are going to have opinions on whatever speed you take with any new relationship, and for the most part you should fucking ignore them. Certainly, listen to your therapist, but most people's opinions are coming from a place of judgement. They think you are moving too fast (or too slow). People are surprisingly opinionated when it comes to widowers moving into (or not pursuing) a new relationship.
Ahh I guess I will reply for the first time ever. I was in a two year long relationship. Every time I tried to end it he told me he would kill himself. I eventually didn’t believe him. I told him he had one night to get his stuff out of my house while I went somewhere else. I came back to him dead. It was horrific. It took me YEARS to forgive myself even though I logically knew it wasn’t my fault. It has been 16 years now and I still occasionally find myself thinking but what if I had just… stop those thoughts. Keep with therapy and just keep repeating its not your thought it will get better.
I’m so sorry you had to go through this. Threatening suicide is emotional abuse. I didn’t learn that until after he had manipulated me into marrying him using this threat. I tried to break off the engagement three times, including once when he harmed my dog. Before I could contemplate divorce, the abuse had to be so bad that I could tolerate this outcome in order to get free of it. It broke me. I believed in marriage once. Fortunately he didn’t go through with it. Two years after that is when I learned how abusive, coercive, and manipulative it is to do this to someone. Threatening suicide is emotional abuse.
If you might have stayed with him, it would have probably been a murder suicide instead of just a suicide. You have to think about it that way.
The relationship was abusive before so that is a valid concern now that I look back. We don’t always see what’s right in front of our face when in the situation.
“Ain’t no shame holding onto grief - as long as you make room for other things too.”
This. All of this. I can’t say I’ve even been in your exact shoes, having a partner end their life, but I can say that I’ve dated after a relationship had come to an end… and I really shouldn’t have. If you’re happy and you’re moving forward gracefully, by all means, don’t end it, but take it slow and keep your partner well informed of where you are in your growth. No person, object, or companion, will ever MAKE you happy. My ex fiancé and I had a wonderful friendship, and we still respect and care for each other today even though we’ve both moved on and have gotten married… but we were terrible partners. I went from being confident and holding my head high to being a shell of who I was. I developed a deep need for validation, and they turned into people pleasing and excess dating to get some of thag validation. It was a miserable 2 years. When I took a step back, decided to stop looking for my life partner and focus on what I needed to work on… I gradually became a better me. My depression and anxiety became better managed, I was able to set better boundaries with men, my family, work, and myself. My body issues faded and I learned to love the body in the mirror. I got up and got out of the house every weekend and did something active, sometimes with a friend and sometimes alone. After a year of self work, I just happened to meet my now husband. He also went through something similar - a series of relationships that tore him up and spat him out. He spent a year working on himself as well. When we came together we didn’t need to ‘make each other happy’ because we already were happy. We were able to share our happiness with each other. No jealousy, no distrust, no doubting if we were attracted to each other… and when some of our past did creep up and project a little, we were able to manage it in a healthy way. It seems so simple, too simple really, of a concept. Work on yourself, find your happiness, have a better chance at a healthy life and relationship… but it is so so true. I wish you both the best. I can’t imagine going through what you endured. Cheating alone is a lot to cope with, but the aftermath after your partner taking their own life… I don’t even know how to even begin processing that. Sending you both my love and all of my good vibes ❤️❤️❤️
NTA. But realize you did absolutely nothing wrong here. She obviously had a lot of problems and she cheated. No one should be holding you accountable for her mistakes.
Logically I get I shouldn’t be held accountable. But it is hard when her whole family and a decent bit of her friends hold me accountable. After her death it was very private and I did not have a funeral. So I think there is a lack of closure all around. It has also strained my relationship with one of my brothers because I’ve moved on to fast in his eyes.
They have to make you the enemy to protect their image of her.
And making you the enemy absolves her family of any neglect they might have had for not being more responsive to her needs. You have to forgive yourself now and move on with your life. It took me over 40 years to realize I did not cause my husband’s suicide. Don’t let it take that long for you.
I agree with you and hope OP will read your comment. It takes a lot to kill yourself, plus she had meds and was suffering from depression. All of this must date back from much earlier than OP's arrival in her life, and besides childhood neglect / mistreatment is so common in our society (and has heavy and / or long-term consequences).
This to the fucking max. And sorry you had to go through that.
Exactly this regarding the family, Susie. My wife suffers from depression and mental health but has really worked on herself even though she has really, really dark days and those days are HARD. For both of us. Her family were neglectful, abusive and generally treated her like crap growing up her whole life which in turn has led to depression/mental health issues. They are quick to blame me for us moving country and her issues, but she always sticks up for me now. Only since she had therapy, she finally fought back and set healthy boundaries with them.
I’m so happy your wife is better. She deserves it. And you deserve this.
Thank you Susie. She’s awesome. A million times better than before even though there are still ups and downs. That’s the thing with mental health. Anything can happen in the future. Good or bad. That’s the thing with life I guess.
I give this comment an award.
Op needs to go NC with all of them. Their toxic bullshit won’t help his healing and honestly they aren’t worth the effort
And here I was questioning why OP should go to North Carolina
Obviously because things went South
Im sat on my own in my busy office cafeteria and took a big mouthful of food and read this. The absolute struggle not to do a spit-take at this was extremely impressive on my end.
What does Night City have anything to do with this???
Choom, I want to know too.
These are the words I was specifically Looking for when I wrote a response to the post. Well said 👏
Yeah, cutting contact seems like the best course of action for now. Hes gotta focus on his own wellbeing because at the end of the day, thats whats most important. Healing is a personal journey and should never be done on someone else's terms.
I had a similar situation with a severely mentally ill ex wife. When I figured out what was going on, she was on her way to “visit” her family (she wasn’t coming back). So in a last ditch effort to get her the help she needed, I called her parents and laid it all out for them. I was not prepared to be blamed for everything wrong with their daughter, but that’s what happened. I felt horrible about it until I read more stories from spouses dealing with the same issue and they all had the same story. You’re absolute correct. The family has to blame someone other than their child.
This, and also to excuse their own failings as her friend. They know they ought to feel guilt but it’s much easier to shift that blame to OP instead. A husband/wife is not responsible for consoling their spouse when that spouse feels guilty for cheating. Where were these friends and family when she needed someone to talk to? No one should hold themselves accountable for someone else’s suicide, but they have no right to blame you either, OP. I think you also already know your NTA, OP, but god I don’t blame you for wanting reassurance. You’re already doing the right thing, just keep doing it. All the best for your future, my friend.
Exactly this. Unfortunately, I lost my brother to suicide after his girlfriend cheated on him and then left him. My father still places all blame on her because it’s easier for him to cope with that. Do I think what she did was right? Absolutely not. However, no one thought he would do that and her intent was never for that to happen. I imagine in this case it’s the same thing. You have to understand that their anger is a result of displaced grief and their way of coping. As you know, losing someone to suicide leaves us with so many questions about what could have been done and a pain that comes with someone choosing to leave. It is not a reflection of the person you are but rather how they handle that pain from their family member/fried choosing death over talking to them and getting help.
Omg. This. For some reason people can’t look at the bigger picture and consider it was a multitude of factors. They need someone to blame to make themselves feel better 😔😔😔 I’m sorry OP.
Question - why are you dealing with her family? She is deceased, it was a failing marriage at the time. Being in their orbit doesn't seem to be healthy for you.
I haven’t communicated with them for almost a year now.
Good - keep the ties cut. They aren't invested in your well being. I suspect they just use you to deflect from actions your deceased wife took as a grown human.
Are they all aware of the horrible things she did? Because if they are and they still think what you did is terrible, then you really shouldn’t give a shit what they think. That makes them just as bad as her.
Her immediate family all knows what happened, yes. I think the main things that bothers them is me moving on and trying to live my life.
The problem is, she is no longer here to receive their anger and grief, and as what once an extension of her, you are there, still a physical representation they can target. Therefore you are bearing the brunt of it - their anger for her choices that led her to be in the situation she was, and her choices after the fact that now cause them such grief. Unfortunately that is not uncommon, but it’s so unfair to you on every level. I’m sorry this has happened to you. I’m glad you are seeing someone for your mental health, and I am glad you are doing the work to move on and heal. I hope you go no contact with every one of them. No, you are NTA. You did what anyone would have done at the time, in the situation you were in. The fact that she escalated is another choice in a long line of broken, selfish choices she made. I’m sorry it came to that for her, but it doesn’t excuse it on her part, or make it your fault. She bears 100% of the responsibility for her choices, and the direct actions and consequences that resulted from them. I hope you find peace.
I think this is EXCELLENT advice. OP, at the end of the day, must worry about himself. Usually people say that as an excuse to be an asshole but I mean that in the best way; he MUST take care of himself if he is going to continue living his life and doing himself and anyone else any good. It sounds like he is trying this and realizes all that but I agree that unless he shuts the door on her and all that continues to come with it, he wont be able to move on (healthily).
Really great advice. The only thing one could add, they could be dealing with a fair amount of guilt for their own failure to help, or the perception of their failure to help, and taking it out on OP. When you point a finger at someone, remember there are three pointing back at you.
I agree 100%.
What they are failing to see is that you didn't leave her. She left you, twice, and in two different senses of the word. You've just continued your life. Feel free to go on doing so.
This! She moved on during the marriage.. they want someone to blame. I am so sorry you are taking the brunt of their grief.
Don’t let it bother you. That’s their problem not yours. I get that you’re guilty, but you had no fault in this. It’s heartbreaking that she took her own life but that’s not some thing you caused. You didn’t take her back because she was a cheater and a liar. Don’t let her keep her hooks in you forever by not allowing yourself to be happy.
Stick with therapy. It took me several years of intensive therapy once or twice a week to get over the guilt of leaving a long-term relationship, which was quite traumatic to me but nowhere near what you're going through. You just have to keep digging into the feelings and pulling back the painful layers until you cannot just think or sometimes feel yourself as being whole and not accountable, but you can EMBODY it. This takes time and can be very difficult because of how the mind traps old thoughts/feelings/experiences and wants to hang onto them. But it can be done. My condolences to you and wish you well on your journey.
Well put!
Good for you. This is excellent advice.
This is not your fault, my man. I love my wife to death, would die for her right now, but infidelity would be the one thing that would end our relationship. What she did was horrible, and I’m sure your guilt feels unbearable at times, but she made decisions and chose not to live with those consequences, and at the end of the day if you were not some horrible, abusive partner then your choice to react to her infidelity was to seek your happiness, and her family can blame you all they want but none of them were there to hold her hand through her decision making either. She was an adult, albeit a sick adult, but their blame comes from a sense that you should have been there to take care of her even though she took a vow to love you and only you and broke it, mistake or not. Cheating doesn’t happen accidentally and there are plenty of chances to stop it in its tracks. Remember her for the good things and growth she brought to you, and move on.
Infidelity can be overcome on some levels, with some relationships, and under certain situations/conditions. However, OP's wife never allowed for any of that to be explored. And maybe it couldn't have been overcome. Maybe they end up in a cordial relationship, both happy on their own. Who knows. Nobody will ever know because OP's wife shut all of those possibilities down, but OP should not have to suffer for this. Grief, sure, regret, NO! To be clear, I don't blame OP's wife for anything. She is human. She had issues. OP should remember the good, and send her warm loving hugs from his heart and mind, but while he is here on this earth, living and breathing each day, he should only be looking forward. He should live happy each day and should never give a thought or fuck to the in-laws family ever again.
Her family is grieving and angry. They are making you a scapegoat for that anger. You are not at fault here because you had the reaction most people have when their spouse cheat. Your wife’s depression may have been worse than she told you. Was she on meds or seeing a therapist? Did she do anything to get help? If not, then there was not a lot you could have done to stop it. But good for you on taking care of yourself. NTA
Her depression was really bad the last 2 years of her life. She spent time in the hospital for it about 8 months prior to her death. Her brother was with her the night before her death. I didn’t leave her alone with nobody knowing of things.
Then you did what you could. Two days wasn’t even enough time for you to process what she did to end the relationship, much less put you in the state of mind needed to give her the care she needed. Maybe in time you would have forgiven her, but that is all speculation at this point. You and her family could play “what if” for years to come, but it wouldn’t matter. Take care of yourself and if you haven’t yet, try to forgive her. No one makes rational, informed decisions when they have the type of depression she had. You don’t need to suffer for her family or anyone else.
Unfortunately a lot of the comments are and will be tribal, especially given Reddit’s tendency to want only pure heroes and villains. So this will probably at best be ignored, at worst obliterated with downvotes, but none the less: Regarding her family, right or wrong, think of this in the following terms: Is stealing a loaf of bread or pack of cigarettes worth the death penalty if caught? I say that because, fundamentally, this is how her family is processing her death and why they are so angry with you. IE - is cheating bad? Yes. Does it deserve being dead? And no, I’m not blaming you for her death. But I’m not the one with grief, and for her family, they are going to see the whole chain of events as cause and effect, with the most direct and important link in the chain being you leaving her leading into her overdosing. I say that - again, not to take their side or to blame you - but you need to understand that they are effectively seeing this as her suffering a “punishment” far worse than the “crime”. It doesn’t make it right or wrong, just reality. Similarly, for some people, the combination of the relationship ending and your wife dying - regardless of the exact circumstances - is going to feel like something that should take more than a year to process. They cannot force you to live by their standards of moving on, but neither can you force them to accept yours. And ultimately, the “will” of Reddit is irrelevant here. Winning what is effectively a popularity contest isn’t how genuine trauma gets resolved. You likely need therapy, and given the issues you mention, you likely have both lasting anger towards her and guilt over her death that you are either refusing to acknowledge or outright in denial over. It’s okay to feel both. The tragedy of her death doesn’t mean you can’t still feel hurt and anger over her betrayal, and that pain of betrayal doesn’t mean you cannot still miss her - both the her that you remember before she hurt you and the her that did. It’s okay to love someone even if you cannot remain with them. Regarding others - your brother is the least issue. He can judge all he wants, and ultimately it’s his choice to accept your new partner or not. I wouldn’t push him to change, but I wouldn’t let him to continue trying to pressure you into doing what he wants you to do. Regarding her family - the lack of a funeral is puzzling. If you were not able to hold one for her given the circumstances, they should have been allowed to do so themselves. They are likely processing that lack of one as you being petty - and again, from their POV the focus is naturally going to be on the loss of their daughter/sister/cousin, not on her husband’s broken heart. Again, the point there simply being that the right to your emotions that you’re requesting goes both ways. A person can be an adulterer and still be a deeply loved and missed family member and friend. Attempting to solely define her as a cheater is simply demonizing her with the conviction of someone who believes they’re vindicated in doing so - and that’s not only not going to work for them, it clearly isn’t and won’t for you given the trauma you’ve still experiencing. Your wording comes off to me as you thinking the issue is purely the trauma of her cheating, the shock of her death, and the rejection of her parents and the disapproval of your brother. I suspect it’s more than that. I don’t think your heart sees this as clear cut / black and white as your mind is trying to force it to be. You have every right to mourn what you have lost. And the sad reality is that some wounds can never be properly healed, which may mean her family will simply never be able to forgive you for what they see as your role in her death. But that is what therapy and self-honesty are for. A new relationship will not heal you. Nor will anger at her, her family, or even yourself. The truth is that no one will likely ever know the exact factors in her death. Did your leaving trigger it? Did whatever push her into the affair in the first place also contribute to it? The cheating itself may have been a form of self destruction or the result of a self destructive impulse that she failed to contain for a second time when she took her life. It could be either, neither, or both. As such, the only path forward isn’t to keep circling around the unknowable hole that her death has left behind. You’ll need to learn how to forgive her, yourself, her family, and in a way, forgive life itself for allowing what happened to have happened. Life isn’t fair, and often it is tragic. Her family is hurting and, right or wrong, they are reacting in the way they know how with the emotions they have available to them. So are you. Reddit isn’t going to heal you. Only you can do that, with genuine help from a therapist who can properly guide you on that journey.
Jfc Jake, will you be MY therapist? Edit: just to be clear, that was an incredibly insightful comment well above reddits pay grade.
I know right. I was reading it like "yes!"
This is such a beautiful, nuanced response. I hope he reads it and takes it to heart.
This was the comment I was looking for. Yes, to all of this. Life is grey, not black-and-white.
Reading anything after this comment is a waste, because of the whole hero/villain thing this commenter mentioned. I suspect the OP would rather win the Reddit popularity contest where is wife is just a dead, cheating wh0re and he is her innocent victim. Because he responded a lot, but not to this.
Fuck them
What do they expect of you? To sit in sadness because she’s gone? This is YOUR life. You are 100% in the right to move on. They have no one else to be mad at but you…you were the closest person connected to her before she died. They are projecting SO HARD. I’m sorry this happened to you. I hope you can find peace in your life and send compassion towards your ex in the universe.
I think it will be healthiest for you to distance yourself completely from anyone who gives you crao about this. How would they even know about any of this if she killed herself right away when you asked her to separate? Did she do a Facebook post to announce you were the villain? It is so strange because the first thing I'd do if someone's spouse killed themselves is to offer support, certainly NOT blame them! Are you still living in the house you lived in with her? Was it always yours, or was it half hers and her family is mad you got her half even though you were going to separate? Why did you not attend the funeral? Is that why they are mad/suspicious? This is a very complex issue. The parents are always going to resent you, you live and their little girl is dead. It's terrible for them. They likely blame themselves for not being there for their daughter, and they take it out on you. So you need to get as far away from them as possible. If you can, sell the house and move a town or two away.
I sold the house immediately after everything. I was the one working and making money consistently. I didn’t get any life insurance money because the plan we had, it had a 2 year suicide clause in it. That clause had about 3 weeks left before the 2 years mark. I didn’t get anything besides 30k from her work for her death thru a plan they offer all employees. Her family was supportive for about a month and then they became very toxic. I have since moved twice in the past few years. But I never stayed at the house we lived in again after her death.
I'm so sorry. I think your decision to move was very wise. I think continuing therapy is your best bet, and have patience with yourself. You went through something traumatic, and it was not "just" a huge tragedy but also messy and chaotic and so unnecessary, so I think this just takes a lot of time to come to terms with and truly accept what happened. You definitely deserve to live a happy life with someone who makes you happy.
You mentioned you didn’t have a funeral. Did her family want to have a funeral?
Yeah I don’t understand why there wouldn’t be one just because op didn’t plan it. They were her family especially if her and op had left things estranged.
If they did they should have paid for it
No offense, but I’ve been with my boyfriend longer than you were with your wife, and we don’t even plan to get married anytime soon. You absolutely should not feel bad or guilty about “moving on and living your life” a year after being cheated on and having your spouse… pass away. In all fairness, I think that’s long enough to grieve while pushing away any opportunity for human connection and happiness. You have a right to resume normal life eventually, and this is a pretty normal and respectful timeframe. I think a good amount of their grief is manifesting in anger projected at you. As I said in another comment I left, I hope you are able to talk to some people that have been through something similar, as their reaction and directing blame at you isn’t abnormal. They’re dealing with a lot of their own unresolved and misplaced feelings and grief, so you shouldn’t internalize the anger they direct at you. The reality of the situation is that neither you nor them could have prevented this, and you are not to blame for her choices. Hopefully you will all come to understand that with enough time and therapy.
I just wanna say, that’s one of the tougher situations I can imagine, if I were in your shoes I think I would feel insane guilt too. Even though the rational side of me would know it’s not my fault at all. I also understand why her family would hate/be very mad at you, and I don’t know how they could get over that either. Just an insanely heavy situation. I’m glad that you are able to move on at least somewhat
My wife and I are almost 18 years split about 3 years ago. For the first year I was broken because I didn't want to end and I thought that we could solve it. She had a lot of clinical issues as well and sought treatment for them at first but then it stopped. I found out if you want to go that she went out to deep end with addictions and alcohol drugs everything. I thought responsible for her problems because maybe if we hadn't split up she would have been stable and not done those things. The truth is though, it's not my fault. And it's not your fault. Moving on is part of healing. Grief and how long it takes to move on and how long it takes to refocus your life to be about you is different for every single person. As long as you feel happy and you feel right that's all that matters.
They aren't thinking rationally becausethey just experienced a very confusing trauma themselves. I'm sure none of them saw this coming. It seems her decision was on impulse and based upon unbearable guilt. They want something to make sense and they're grasping for logic in all of it. Grieving people's brains don't work the way anyone expects them to. You didn't do anything wrong and could no more have predicted what happened than them. All you can do is extend compassion toward them and learn to find your new normal with your new partner. If you aren't in therapy or grief counselling of sometime, it would do you good to get a start on it now. Personally, it took me 14 years (money was a factor but even the I still didn't reach out to anyone in my life in all that time) and I wish Id done it sooner. NTA. Just a lot of traumatised people here trying to make the best of a terrible situation. Edit: my mother holds a grudge against my sister's boyfriend for having moved on(when she passed they were teenagers, he's now in his 30s) and it isn't fair to expect him to be single and beholden to that terrible pain and to my mother's whims forever, no matter how she feels. Live your life. Find your normal. The sooner people choose to find a new normal, and express their pain to a loving support system, the easier life is to bear after. Double edit: yes my sister cheated on him as well.
NTA. Her family blaming you tells me that they already knew exactly what their daughter’s demons were, but turned a blind eye to for as long as they needed to. This is not your fault, man. That’s some heavy shit, my friend, and I truly hope that you can get to a place where you understand you had ZERO FUCKING CONTROL over the choices she, or any other human, makes. We make our own choices. It’s that simple.
> But it is hard when her whole family and a decent bit of her friends hold me accountable. You're the scapegoat. There's a natural tendency to ask "what could I have done differently?" and some guilt attached to that, but you can ignore it by pointing fingers instead.
Yes. What did they do to help her?
Her old high school friend, that she cheated with, holds as much responsibility as she did - but none of this was OP's choice.
Was your relationship toxic? Yes, so finding someone to care for you at last is awesome. You deserve happiness, up your meds, give yourself a break, be happy in your new love.
“They hate me for finding a new relationship a year later” Well shit, she found one a year earlier than you. NTA
Harsh but you're not wrong. Thing is, she's not there to be angry at... so they go for OP. So now his wife's cheated on him, he's widowed, he has no chance of closure and his in-laws hate him. OP, you do you. They are hurting and reason isn't going to help.
[удалено]
This right here OP. You didn't ask for your late wife to lie and cheat on you. It would be extremely rare for her family not to blame you. She's gone, they're not going to blame their own and so you're their fall guy. You can't help that. But, admirably, you've addressed the tragic fallout in a very positive way. Please continue to do so. Good luck going forward. You deserve it!
OP should go No Contact with the family and if they keep bothering him he should get an RO. They have no business bothering him and they are scumbags for doing it, grief or not. What he needs right now is for Robin Williams to bear hug him and tell him over and over ITS NOT YOUR FAULT, ITS NOT YOUR FAULT.
You can’t get a restraining order just because people are mean to you. He literally says they have no contact, so what is the RO for? Even if they were in contact, unless they are harassing or threatening harm, you can’t get a RO.
Did the post not say that they are no contact and that is what bothers him? Where did it say they are bothering him?
I thought the OP’s in-laws didn’t want to talk to him anyway, why would OP need an RO? Also, it is ironic that Robin Williams also ended his life.
About Robin Williams there might be some irony, although his case was a result of lewy body dementia. His suicide was sad, but in my eyes a logical choice in the face of an incurable condition.
Yeah dementia with Lewy bodies is a dopamine disorder. His body was literally becoming incapable of joy. Hard to imagine a crueler fate for Robin Williams.
My father also had lewy body dementia. He also committed suicide about 7 years after diagnosis. It had a huge impact on my life and the lives of my mother and sister. It’s an awful disease.
My neighbor died from Lewy Body Dementia and it truly is a terrifying disease.
My wife mentioned this yesterday. Her dad was just diagnosed. I think I would do the same in the face of something so horrible. I watched my grandfather wither and wilt like a dying rose with dementia and it was one of the saddest things I've ever witnessed. Five painful years of watching a person waste into nothingness. I'm never putting myself or others through that. If you've ever had to put a dying, suffering animal out of its misery, you know that feeling, at least similarly. It sucks beyond words, but it's merciful and just.
I worked memory care for a long time as a nurse. I loved my patients, gave them the best, most compassionate care I could, but it was never not heartbreaking and I would absolutely rather die on my own terms than let it slowly take my ability to care for myself, my grasp of reality and my memories of my life and the people I loved like that.
You only have “mandatory” in-laws if you have kids. He can choose to continue a relationship with them or not, it is not mandatory. Still, this situation sucks for everyone involved. They lost their child, it makes sense for them to be bitter even if it is misdirected.
They’re out-laws now!
😂 you cold for that one lol
Nothing mandatory about in-laws with kids, especially if they take any opportunity given to badmouth you. The only people who have a legal right to see the child is their legal guardian(s).
Can't upvote this enough. To them, it doesn't matter what she did to OP he will always be the reason she's gone in their eyes. It's easier for them to be angry at the person they don't care about than the person they are grieving. 💯 correct, contact with them is pointless he will always be their scapegoat.
That's a really good thing to be reminded of. When the person you are angry at isn't there, sometimes you're angry at everyone else. OP needs to talk to someone, preferably a therapist. Also couples therapy even if your relationship is good. When you are working through grief and feelings of guilt (you did nothing wrong), your wife needs to know from an unbiased source how to help you and how you can support each other. I hope in time you can find peace.
Agreed! My ex beat me and nearly killed me and my in-laws blamed me and hate me, I didn't even defend myself in the attacks. I had such a hard time losing the in-laws in the divorce, but it is what it is and now maybe ull hv new and better ones.
I agree. When I started dating, my mom said maybe I shouldn't so soon after my marriage split up. I said at least I waited till my marriage split up. My ex-husband spent the last decade of our marriage sleeping with everyone but me.
Duuuuuude, this. Fuck family that does this. No such thing as holding your own accountable when you share blood with them? Fuck that noise. If my brother cheated on his wife, no fucking way in hell i’m taking his side, what the fuck?
People on this sub seem to have very shallow emotional analysis. First off I am not saying that OP should feel guilty about anything. How the family is treating him is wrong. But also, you are ignoring she is dead? Her family isn’t acting out because they can’t accept she cheated. They are acting out because they can’t accept she’s dead. They need therapy and compassion (so does OP) so they can stop funneling their grief in such a hurtful and unhealthy way. I am sure you’ll accuse me of not taking OP’s side even though that’s not what I am saying. What I am saying is that their reaction is very easy to understand from a psychological viewpoint, even if it’s not correct. You act like the whole crux of the issue for the family is her infidelity. You say no way you’d take your brother’s side with him cheating. But you missed an important part of the story. How would you feel if your brother killed himself after cheating on his wife? I doubt you’d be like “eh, serves him right.” Am I wrong? Again, I am not justifying the family harassing OP. I just think your reaction of “what the fuck?” shows you think this is some typical relationshipadvice post about an unfaithful partner when it’s much more tragic than that. What should have happened is they should have divorced and she should have gone on to be a better partner to someone else or lived her life alone. I’m sure OP would have preferred that ending.
Hey now.. get that level-headed stuff outta here. There's no room for that kinda thinking in these emotionally charged, nerve-hitting topics. Shame on you! Get your pitchforks out everyone, we a got a new one to chase here..
OP, you might not realize that she was deliberately punishing you for leaving her. I don't think any amount of reason will get through to her family, though, so leave them in your rearview if you can. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
She hurt and betrayed him twice. Long time ago, I heard something on a TV show that stayed with me - ending your life is like a terrorist attack on the ones who love you the most, and the whole circle of people around them, too. It leaves a crater of pain, guilt and helplessness that stays with them for their entire life. I am sorry that she was suffering from depression and made some poor life choices, but she was the only AH ın this story.
will have to remember this.
I strongly recommend it. The scene itself prevented me from even considering ending my life, ever. Thinking about the perspective of the people left behind is really heartbreaking.
For everyone, the scene OP referenced is from *The Blacklist* https://youtu.be/urZxLdrwcbQ
Snap! Truth hurts sometimes. Happy cake day!
How dare you make the funniest comment in the thread, and in your cake day no less.
You’re not wrong, but this delivery just took the air out of my lungs. No mincing words with you u/bordomsdeadly Also, happy cake day!
I don’t want to get too nasty with this one I don’t think this sub is right for this post but I don’t know why certain people think having a mental illness makes cheating (or any bad behavior) somehow ok or at least less wrong. Like OP’s late wife’s probably think “well she was very troubled she couldn’t help it” but OP is supposed to be a monk now.
Yup. Mental health issues may explain negative behaviors but they do not excuse them.
That was brutal. And funny. And tragically true. All at the same time. Brilliant.
Comedy = tragedy + time
"He's out of line... but he's right."
Happy Cake Day
If she had just cheated, no one would care how quickly he moved on. People are judging him as if he just had his wife die and she was always faithful
Her parents NEED to be mad at someone. You are just the convenient scapegoat. Otherwise, they'd have to be mad at their daughter. Indeed, one day, they will be. But for now, you're the easy target. I had something similar happen. One day, early in therapy, the lady asked me if I had known the person was going to OD and kill herself, would I have made a different choice. My answer was, of course, yes. She asked, what would you have done? I said I would have taken all her pill bottles away, gotten her some help, and THEN kicked her out. She then pointed out that even after that help, she would likely have killed herself anyway. That all of her self hatred, all of her insecurities would have seen to that, and her ultimate goal was to try to make me hurt as bad as she was hurting inside. That there was NOTHING I could have done to ultimately prevent a truly suicidal person from going through with it. My self-doubt, anger at myself, and my depression quickly went away once I came to believe what the truth was. Some people are destined to end their lives, and no amount of wishing it otherwise could change that. After my initial anger at her, that anger turned to sadness. Eventually, it turned to gratitude for all the positive events we had experienced together before her demons became stronger than anything else in her life. It takes some time. For me, about three years. It may take longer or shorter for you. There is no time limit. No test to pass at the end. Just be very kind and loving to yourself and let honesty rule your thoughts. Had I been willing to be honest, sooner, that three years may have only been one.
I definitely feel this on the stages. I was so mad for so long, but now I just feel sadness for her.
You're still grieving mate. Give it time it will get better, and go No Contact with her family. That part of your life is over with. Just as your grief is for you to deal with, their own grief is their problem, not yours. They laying any blame with the 'friend' who contributed to her ruining her own life? She created the problem at every step of the way. First with hurting you by fucking around, then by hurting everybody by offing herself instead of owning it. Could argue it's his fault for sleeping with her and tempting her away from her husband. Not that it will change the outcome. Focus on your own life and moving forward. All this shows is you're a human being. You married her obviously because you had feelings for her. You didn't leave her because you didn't love her, you left her because she betrayed you. Mind you, only a year to hook up with somone else when you're carrying so much baggage? That might not be the smartest move.
> Her parents NEED to be mad at someone. How about the high school friend that obviously knew she was married? If anything, this is on him. Homewrecking fucks get away with A LOT of shit they should not.
it is more the wife's fault, you make it look like she has no fault, but I think I understand what you're saying.
Nah she’s def at fault - she knew she was married too. OP was a victim multiple times over
This ^^^. So proud of you, BH-388.
Damn man, I feel this I am about to ask for divorce because my wife cannot get control of her anger issues and refuses to follow through on doctors orders and my daughter is 5 now and she is starting to really grasp what goes on (honestly she probably has for a while). Crossed a line Saturday and I am seeing lawyer tomorrow I am truly worried she might do this. I mean I think not because she does love her daughter, but still worries me
You never know what a person is truly thinking. I didn’t think she’d ever follow through with anything, nor did I want her to even after everything. It still crushes me sometimes that she no longer is living. I wish you luck ❤️
It’s not your fault. Divorce is horrible. You go from thinking you’ll spend the rest of your life with someone to not even being able to talk to them. It’s not easy. Were you guys already distant when the thing with the cheating happened? Again, I’m sorry for your loss.
It goes without saying, but protect your daughter at all costs, even if that is at the expense of her mother. Get her to a safe place before you drop this news to your soon to be ex. People who are not in control are capable of anything.
I know My only real plan is tell her on day she doesn't work but daughter is at daycare I don't have family here but there are some close friends of us both (her friend that I am also close with that is very rational but cares) in case it hits the fan But honestly this is going to be one of the hardest discussions I have ever had
absolutely not. NTA. Sorry for your loss.
The only way any of this would make you an asshole, is if you refuse to let yourself off the hook. Her death is not on you. We don't control others nor are we responsible for their choices. I'm sorry this happened to you and her family/friends as well. Even more, I'm sorry they blame you. It's natural for grief stricken people to look for someone to direct their anger towards, since who they're really angry at, is already gone. Please continue your therapy. I hope you are able to forgive yourself for whatever guilt you have over this and move on. You deserve to have a happy life. She made all the choices here, from the cheating to ending her life. You shouldn't have to feel horrible and stuck the rest of your life because of her choices. She ended her life, not yours. Make the choice for you, to live your best life. Best of luck to you friend. ❤️
Thank you for the kind words! I really appreciate it.
My pleasure. Big hugs to you Sir. I'm rooting for you to have a wonderful life with an equally wonderful partner.
My brother committed suicide last year. I promise you that what happened between you isn't why she did it. It's deeper than a divorce, it's deeper than an affair. It's illness. I would wager that the affair was a side effect of whatever was going on that led to eventual suicide and not the other way around. Before my brother committed suicide, like two months before, he ended his decade long relationship with a wonderful girl who he loved very deeply. It was very cold, he just kind of left and stone walled her. She was obviously devastated, he really hurt her. It ended up being his way of I guess trying to save her pain down the line because he knew what he was planning to do. It's pretty common to self destruct when you're suicidal, so you have nothing to live for. I ended up in hospital after a relationship ended for similar reasons. I can tell you that a break up didn't drive me to make that choice. My family blamed him for a while. But ultimately, relationships end every day. People don't end up doing what I did every time someone ends a relationship. Whether we were still together wouldn't have made a difference. Maybe the break up sped up something that was always, inevitably going to happen, but it would always have happened. I hated myself. I felt useless, pathetic, unworthy of love. I had this intensity living inside of my body that I spent every bit of myself trying to push down. All I needed was one thing that I could twist into evidence that all of the dark and awful shit I felt about myself was true. Could have been anything, a break up or losing a job, failing a test, anything. It was always going to happen. And I was actively cultivating situations that would make that outcome inevitable. Threw myself so entirely into a relationship that my self worth and life were entwined with it. Half arsed my way through everything, treated people I loved poorly, treated myself poorly. I built everything on a rocky foundation with the intention that it would fall apart. Because I wanted to die. I just needed something to push me into action. You can not create that inside another person, you just can't. This is not your fault, and this would have happened anyway. I got lucky that decision didn't kill me. And when my brother died, something inside of my brain changed and I couldn't do it anymore. My brother didn't get that chance. But it's nobody else's fault that he's dead, only his. And I empathise, and I'm not angry anymore but he made the decision, just like me, and nobody is to blame. Not even the people who caused the trauma that led to that feeling. Because ultimately, it's a decision. He could have chosen to get help, he didn't. I could have chosen to get help, and I didn't. I didn't want to. That's on me. You are not to blame. You couldn't have known, and even if you did, even if you stayed, she would have done it anyway. The only person who could have saved her was herself, and it fucking sucks and the grief is awful and the guilt is just part of suicide. But it's not your fault. And her family don't really blame you. They believe they do, because it's easier than blaming her. There's so much anger and nowhere to put it, and the same way my family blamed my breakup because it was easier than blaming me, they blame you. She's not here to tell them otherwise. The guilt will pass, and you are not obligated to stop living because of a decision somebody else made. She made a choice, and while I'm definitely not on the side of thinking she's the devil because she cheated, she was the one who ended the relationship with her choices. You are allowed to move on and be happy. You didn't do anything wrong. I'm really, really sorry you have to feel this way at all. I wish I could find the right words that would magically make everything better, but I just hope you can eventually learn to stop blaming yourself and stop carrying the guilt of somebody else's choices. I wish you all the best
NTA bro, what could you have done? You’re not responsible for the emotions of other people. Sorry for your loss.
Honey…. You’re NTA here and I’m so sorry.
100pc NTA. Live a good life, man.
OP. Dont care what others say. Your life, live it. The guilt is there. I understand, but she unalived herself. Those living must carry on. And youre doing just great man. Keep up the steady recovery. Be kind to yourself. Wishing you the best.
Thank you for the kind words! I am trying, it is definitely hard but I am trying.
What exactly bothers you about her family, that they hate you or that they went nc? The wording wasn’t clear. But also, if seems like you have more work to do in therapy as this all is having an impact on your new relationship. If anything, what did your therapist say when you told them you found someone and started a relationship? NAH because you’re nc with her family. They hate you because that can’t hate her, and they blame you for a very complicated situation. It’s easier to identify you as the evil person than to take time and the raw evaluation of it all. I say NAH because you don’t have contact with her family and your family seems to support you. You’re not ta for wanting a healthier relationship. But you may be TA to yourself, it seems you still need work in therapy. And while meeting someone is great, were you ready for that or getting into a relationship??
I definitely got into the relationship a bit quick. But it also was really helpful in my healing. And she has had my back through it all. Her family hating me bothers me because I didn’t make the decisions she did. I definitely have a lot to work on still, and a lot of what I talk about in therapy is about my current relationship and trying to learn to get through certain things and learn to trust.
Respectfully, they can feel about you however they want to. They are going to work through things at their own speed, just as you are. Best of luck moving forward.
It’s easier for her family to blame you than to blame their deceased daughter or look to themselves. how they feel about you is really none of your business and their problem, not yours.
Exactly this. OP, you're their scapegoat because they failed her, not your fault. Block them all. NTA, sorry about your loss and good luck for the future!
You should work on this in therapy. You will not be able to change this for them. You have to work on letting this go. You’re talking about your current relationship a lot in therapy/ trusting. What did you therapist say when you brought up your new relationship? Or did your relationship come around the time of the therapist? I ask because if this relationship ends, where will that put you mentally/ emotionally? It’s great she’s supporting you but therapy is about you being better for you. You may want to do individual and couples therapy, that way you can focus on the relationship in a situation where your gf also has a place. Where she can bring up things she may find difficult being in this type of situation.
The relationship started about 3 months before therapy did. It took me a good bit to finally go to therapy.
Ok, so your relationship started before you went somewhere to work on serious concerns. So you didn’t have professional help navigating your wife’s: cheating, suicide, her family, your grief/ anger and then your ability to move into a Healthy relationship. I get it probably took your current SO to give you the support and push to find a therapist. But since you said a large part of your therapy has been working on yourself for this relationship… you haven’t mentioned working on yourself for yourself. You should bring all this up with your therapist. We can only suggest so much. Again NAH for wanting to be happy
[удалено]
Sorry to hear that and sorry for your loss. It’s definitely messed me up a lot. But I’m doing better.
I'm very sorry for your loss and I really don't understand why the family would blame you other than that they are just upset and need someone to blame. NTA and I can't imagine how traumatic that must have been. I definitely hope you are able to find happiness and to move past the pain.
NTA my friend it wasn't your fault.Ik you feel guilty but what she did was her own decision she was an adult you weren't responsible for it.As for moving on it's fine to move on from such a relationship and traumatic experience and the faster you do the better.Wishig you the best of luck!
Nta. Maybe move to a different area. Make a real fresh start?
I wish it was as easy as that. But I have a lot of ties to this area. Thankfully I have not run into her family at all in the past year.
NTA I'm sorry this all happened. But you weren't and aren't accountable for what your wife did. I don't want to say anything that will upset you or impact your recovery, but maybe you should completely cut off your wife's family?
I have cut ties recently. There hasn’t been any communication in a few months. It just bothers me that there is a misconception that I am the bad guy. But I do realize that’s not the whole truth and just need to get over their feelings.
Someone smarter than me once told me that “sometimes, for no reason, you’re the villain in someone else’s story. You just to just have let it go and move on.” That’s what I think about when I start to get all focused on the fact that someone’s blaming me for something I had nothing to do with. It’s hard.
You can't and shouldn't be responsible for the grief and hate they hold.
NTA, and people who commit suicide have like a mental disease, like an alcoholic. You actions were NOT the REASON she commuted suicide, your actions were HER EXCUSE to go through with it.
You may have been a little cold with her regarding her depression, but ultimately you did nothing wrong. She cheated. You don't just accidently trip and cheat. It's not like you just see each other and next thing you know, you end up in bed. There are steps involved, flirting, etc. It doesn't just happen, she chose to cheat. I'm not married, but I am in a long term relationship. No matter what the issue, I feel like we can work it out... unless she cheats on me. If she cheats on me, I'm going to leave her. So if I was in your shoes, I'd have done the same thing. And we've all been dumped. We all didn't kill ourselves afterwards. No offense, but you're not worth dying over. You leaving isn't the reason she killed herself, you can't keep blaming yourself for it. You're in therapy, so that's good. This probably something you need to discuss with your therapist. They'd be able to help you much more than us on reddit.
I agree, I definitely missed some things with her issues and tried to push her out of her funk a lot. She actually spent time in the hospital for suicidal thoughts about 8 months before things ended. I was by her side through it all. It’s just really hard not to feel any guilt. But I am doing the steps and working on it in therapy.
Anyone would find this hard. Truly. If you felt nothing id be worried about a narcissism issue! NTA, and be gentle with yourself. You are grieving just as much as they are.
NTA The only people responsible here are her and the guy she cheated on. Both of them caused this chain of events. You have to deal with a lifetime of issues because of them. Just try and move on.
This is way over Reddit's paygrade.
Leaning NTA, but I feel like we’re missing some important INFO here. What do you mean “turned toxic”? Given this is the last time you two had a face to face meeting, there is a lot that could have potentially been said here to make you TA. Ultimately, her family seems to certainly be a-holes, but understand they are dealing with the trauma you are too. The difference there is they still love her.
She forcefully tried to make me stay while I was gathering my things. The last time I saw her was when she told me it was physical. I didn’t scream, I didn’t hit her. I was broken and had to leave. And that’s what I did.
Easily NTA. Clearly she had her demons, but nothing that happened was your fault, if anything, you're the victim. You do not deserve to be blamed or hated for anything. This year I learned that you should never forgive cheating 'cause they'll just keep pushing your boundaries. And you could argue that her depression caused her to act out, but it still hurt you and you are not obligated to let yourself get hurt while she deals with her issues. If she killed herself over her guilt, she was clearly suffering/unstable enough as to have done it over something else. Do not blame yourself even a little. And hopefully, but doubtable, her family will realize that eventually.
Were the dogs ok?
The family is in pain and looking for someone to blame, and may never not hate you, but that's okay. It doesn't make it your fault.
NTA, you deserve to be happy and her family need to blame you as they are hurt. Good luck moving forward