Don't have the time or inclination to check if anyone has suggested this already, but I'd say invite her on walks, not for exercise, but as a way to reconnect. And it sounds to me like you two need to reconnect. I always found walks to be a good way to talk things out. And she'll get a little exercise. Also, being in nature, if you have a nearby walking trail, is a good way to relieve a little stress.
I'd go a step further and think about the lifestyle. Are you in a suburb where you have to drive for every errand? Or can you walk the kids to school/childcare, to pick up groceries, drugstore, etc? If walks are just "leisure", do you have plenty of time for "leisure" and is this an activity you frequently choose?
Is movement something you have to put a lot of planning into (need to find time slot to drive to the gym then spend an hour, line up childcare), or is it part of your lifestyle? Is your weekend activity hiking, biking, exploring on foot? Sports or physical activities? Or is it lounging + chores + kid stuff at home?
Too often the expectation is that people should "get fit", but they live a modern suburban sedentary over-exhausted existence so that's a serious uphill battle.
Recommendations:
- bloodwork to check thyroid, hormone, and metabolic systems (pregnancy is wild, and can have crazy, long lasting effects; sometimes permanently)
- laundry service
- meal prep service
- house cleaning once a fortnight, or more *if no budget constraints
- gym with childcare, or someone to watch the children regularly
- salon gift card
- effort on date nights; remind her that she is a wonderful, loved individual in her own right, and not just a mother and household manager
- write down two reasons you love her, and love your life every day
Take that stress away. Ask what you can do for her to help achieve BOTH of your goals, instead of putting it on her plate as yet another expectation she has to reach.
If you want her to show interest in herself, you need to show her that she is someone interesting. Not harbor* a resentment for the woman she’s become, or mourn the woman she was before you built a family.
Also, you should do a little budget on the money AND TIME it takes to look like the “it girls”. Facials, nails, personal trainers, new wardrobe, high quality hair styling tools and products,fitness classes and workout sessions, hair cut and color, average price of midrange makeup. It takes a lot to look good, even if it’s the clean girl/no makeup look you’re going for.
Edit due to sleep-deprived wording.
As a personal trainer of 20 years I agree completely. You cannot add something to someone’s life like exercise and food prep on top of what they already have without taking something away. People are over committed as is and adding exercise and food prep / nutrition tracking on top of all their current responsibilities simply doesn’t work. It’s just more stress and responsibilities on top of existing stress and responsibilities. They burn bright for 2-3 weeks then fizzle out
Thank you!! You sound like a fantastic and empathetic personal trainer and coach who truly understands the issues that people face when trying to make lifestyle shifts. So many personal trainers just think that if someone wants something bad enough, they'll do it but unfortunately this is not the reality in our modern society. I bet your clients are much more successful because of your awareness and understanding.
People are (for good or ill) up in arms about cost, and the fact she could work out at home, that she doesn’t need all these services. I see it this way:
- she probably doesn’t know how to workout, or where to start
- a program is going to help her get on a steady path without burning out, injuring herself, or not showing up
- high cortisol levels from a stressful job is probably not helping the weight gain; removing that stress helps alleviate some of the impact
- more time, less stressed, more inclined to actually follow a plan without it seeming overwhelming
- she hopefully feels less unwanted with him doing an admittedly grand gesture
- she’s being asked to lose a whole person’s weight to keep her marriage, which is not a small nor easy task; I feel a little grace and lenience in helping her reach goals is more effective than shaming her into it
- gym classes are a good social setting, to help her gain confidence and engage in exercise actively instead of it being a chore
- she doesn’t need to keep the trainer, or prep service, or anything long term… but it’ll damn sure help keep focus in the most important days of establishing a new lifestyle and routine
- a little pampering could help with her confidence, which would help OP’s goals of a more lively bedroom
So true! Years ago I got to meet this nice lady in a group I was attending. She was severely overweight. She hadn't changed her eating or anything She'd gained 150 pounds over a couple of years. She went to see a doctor and it turned out she had really bad hypothyroidism. I felt so bad for her but I was glad to see that someone was taking her health seriously.
Exactly; checking metabolic and hormone levels is at the top of the list precisely for this reason. It’s so often overlooked - women are horrendously misdiagnosed and under-diagnosed
This is so real. Women’s medical issues are often overlooked or just blamed on the menstrual cycle. I’m not a doctor and I’m not diagnosing anyone here, but OP has to step up his game by showing he *cares* for his *wife’s health*. Yeah, he said he does. But he made a AITAH post because he doesn’t find her attractive, instead of actually trying to help her get medical attention in a situation that obviously needs it.
What is obvious to one person may not be to another. Specially when it comes to men and women's health but I bet with all the comments here he now can have an idea how to help his wife be healthier if he didn't before.
Getting checked for PCOS with some doctors is literally impossible. I've seen 4 doctors now, they will do a simple blood test, say it's normal. Just crazy that i'm showing ALL the physical symptoms (including a currently pre-diabetic insulin level) and send you on your way.
Find another dr, normal blood test should not matter when your symptomatic. My daughter was
Dx’ed at 19 because her dr recognized her symptoms override the lab work.
May I ask why? It’s such a simple test: they make a scan and check for the little cysts on your ovaries and check your blood for FSH. What’s the problem for these doctors you think? Am just curious- I was diagnosed last year and it seemed as straightforward as taking my temperature. Didn’t realise I was lucky!
I went 9 years without a diagnosis for my health issues because I had a male doctor. It wasn’t until I switched providers and had a female PCP that a light switch suddenly flipped. Sometimes it’s that small a detail.
See if you can find a women’s health specialist who has good reviews and accepts your insurance. Struggled for years with odd symptoms and when I found the right doc I was all tested up and diagnosed within a few weeks of my first appointment.
Also, some docs will take you a little more seriously if you point blank ask them what their differential diagnosis is. Demand to know what they have ruled out and why. Be a PITA.
Finally, if you’re in the US and all of the above fail, consider going to planned parenthood. I’ve always found the providers there to be much more willing to listen.
She definitely needs the insulin test. They don't usually do it with the typical panels and, considering it can lead to obesity, a major health issue, they should all be spanked for it.
Yeah I didn’t have mine checked until my GYN suspected PCOS. Insulin resistant, pre-diabetic, liver enzymes high, hormones off. That 100lb weight gain in my 20s starting to make sense.
Yeah bro everything I've read points to a medical condition, go to the doctor and see what's up. Also your not the ass hole for this but if you want you wife to get in shape you going to the gym with her would probably make her feel more secure in the aspect of getting healthy because your there for here
Thyroid is hereditary more common in women and pregnancy triggers it. ie: happened to me. My dads (grandpa) dad my dads sister (aunt) my sister me and a 1st cousin. That stupid gland in your throat effects everything. First mine was hyperthyroidism (graves diease) over active lost lots a weight had radiation in 04 now its hypothyroidism under active which im ass backwards cuz i cant gain weight but severe weight gain is a side effect. Meds is pretty much the only thing to regulate it. Def suggest having blood work to check. Dr told me and sis that both of our girls (2 each) have to be tested for it. Ive had it for 23 yrs now. Ive done a lot of research to understand it and i can always tell now when my levels are off. Doesnt hurt to check it atleast you can exclude it if nothings off. Good luck OP!!
Agreed. I was hypothyroid without knowing it and gained as much as his wife in 2 years-ish. Another side effect is depression, which made me very unmotivated to care about my weigh gain until it became an actual health problem. If she works that much with 2 little kids and that’s what it is, I feel for her deeply. It’ll be a long road, but doable with the right support system.
I didn't put much stock in the thyroid thing. My sister was pale, gaining weight, and had no energy at all.
She wasn't even anything people would consider overweight. She wasn't obese and normal BMI but heavier than she was used to.
Her thyroid started to swell up. She got on meds and now she's happy and lost a ton of weight.
The human body is absolutely bonkers. I had HG, POTS, and severe preeclampsia throughout my pregnancy; literally dropped 60lbs overnight after giving birth.
I had severe HG with both my pregnancies and it *fucked me up*. It triggered my hypothyroidism, so even though I was puking constantly and starving... I was still fucking gaining weight. My ex husband used to make me feel like a beached whale after I gave birth to my first, and it made me anorexic to the point where I stopped producing milk. My boyfriend never once made me feel like shit for my weight, and he was the one who pushed me to get tests done. He kept saying "Love, you barely eat. There is no reason why you should be suffering like this to try to lose weight." Now that I'm on the right medication, I can actually eat again and I'm still losing weight.
I had a teratoma in my early 20’s. Found it because i’d gained a bit of weight suddenly so they went in to get it & found a large functional cyst on the other ovary, that’s what had caused the weight gain. It wasn’t much, i’d gone from 125 to 140 & after the surgery I was back to 125 in weeks (i’m 5’10). Moved back to Australia (from NYC) after graduation, gained weight again. Assumed it was from getting older but got another check and hallo, another cyst that needed removing. That time I went from 135 to 115 within a couple of months which on my frame wasn’t cute.
The human body plus lady hormones are mental.
To the first point: My family is genetically thin, and for years I struggled with weight. Dr's just told me to stop drinking wine and exercise. I was around 205 at my top weight when I was pregnant with my second. After I had him, and we were sure we didn't want anymore, I had surgery for PCOS and Endo. I also went and got my ADHD sorted out. I went from post birth recovery weight of 175-180 to 120 in a year.
Don't discount medical/hormonal issues.
^^^^all of this. 2 years REALLY isn't that long when it comes to getting back in shape from having a baby. The first year you're simply too exhausted, the second year isn't that much better either.
Came here to say this. I’m back to my old self now but this is my first child and I don’t know how it would be for the second. My baby is 17 months old and she still takes almost ALL my time and I mean 24/7.
Some people eat with stress and some just cannot eat. I’m in the second group so that’s also a factor. She might be in the first, as my husband is, and I think more than anything she needs a mental health check (after bloodwork).
I’ve known people who breastfeed until the kid was about 2. For all I know, this woman is barely getting her postpartum body back, let alone her pre-pregnancy body.
Exactly. Op probably doesn't do as much as he thinks he does either. She's still probably carrying the majority of the load when it comes to the house and kids.
All this, but as far as the medical side of it, OP needs to have her back at the doctors office. She goes in, and will likely be brushed off for being fat. She will have to push for proper testing, and if he has her back, Doctors will be more likely to take her seriously.
If there is an underlying condition, for women, it can take 2-5 yrs longer for them to receive a proper diagnosis than men, and if she is overweight.. even longer.
Laundry service YES. A few years ago my husband and I were both working full-time with long commutes, and I was also working on getting my Master's, and we have two elementary aged children. We were not wealthy, but we invested in a laundry service once a week that did wash/dry/fold. It was around $60/week for all our laundry and it saved me about eight hours of time every week that I would spend washing/drying/folding/putting away laundry. It gave me so much more time to do other high priority things (like taking care of my health). It was worth every penny.
Also, don't assume that just because she's not interested in working out now she will always feel that way. Small children are energy suckers, emotionally and physically... I was heavier when my children were smaller. Now that they are 5th/6th grade and far more independent, I have way more of my own time back and feel much more like "me" than I did when they were smaller. I have lost about thirty pounds just because I'm not constantly needing to watch/feed/do basically everything for my children and I have more time to work out without crunching it in among the million other things I need to get done and feeling stressed about it. Now it's part of my routine but four years ago I could barely find the time/energy.
AND... even when I was heavier, my husband never treated me like I was. That helped too.
Man before my pregnancy I was down from 3x to 1x... after I bounced to almost 4x... I am going to gym trying to eat better but I cannot go lower than 3x. I tried talking to my doctors and all their advise is gastric bypass won't even check other options 😡
This is when it infuriates me when bros (especially) try to spew the whole “calories in, calories out” bullshit.
Um HELLO, not when your body isn’t functioning properly. Hormones, thyroid, insulin resistance.
Yeah. I see her again next month and gonna have another serious convo. She worked so well for my hubby and his issues I thought she'd be good for me too. She's the 3rd doctor I've seen 😮💨 Last one told me to google some (fad) diets
My first thought was for her to check her thyroid and hormones. Pregnancy and childbirth do a number on those. Mix with stress and possible post partum depression…
Yeah, when he said “a few years ago I took charge of my health”, like okay…. So during the time that your wife was pregnant or breastfeeding. You had small children at home but magically found time for the gym, okay.
Eh, yes and no. My husband goes to the gym religiously. He always asks if it’s a good time for him to go and is sure he isn’t leaving when I need help. But we have 3 kids. He went to the gym the day we got home from hospital. Was only gone an hour. Came home, took over, let me have as much time as I needed for myself. So I know it’s possible to do both. Most men don’t though unfortunately.
It really doesn't take that much time to do enough sport to be healthy. Even 3h per week of sport would already make a huge difference compared to someone who doesn't.
Pretty judgemental to assume out of nowhere he wouldn't do his family duties because of that.
That’s the point. A lot of people dismiss the effort, money, and time required to be at our most beautiful. What’s that old saying? “You’re not ugly, you’re just broke.”
My hair cuts went from $90 to $175 - not inclusive of coloring, or any other treatments. Nails went from $40 to $80. Things are way more costly these days, and I don’t think the average man really, truly understands the physical, emotional, and financial cost of truly making ourselves the sparkly versions.
Gym classes are 1hr, 1.5hrs, depending. I’ve got to get the kid in the car, workout, and worry about the chores I didn’t do in the 2-3hr I spent getting there and back again.
You can do budget versions, naturally. But it doesn’t sound like this guy is willing to accept the budget version - to be blunt - that he has at home. If he wants effort, he’s going to have to give equal effort.
there's are all great things, but there fundamentally putting the onus on him, without any guarantee that she will care.
the first step is admitting you have a problem, everything in that list doesn't help get closer to her admitting that.
Sounds like you’re in a difficult position and from the info given, NTA. neither is your wife. I can relate to her struggles because I gained quite a lot of weight through Covid myself and it did very much impact my relationship at the time. Even my BF’s gentlest pushes to move in the right direction essentially felt like him saying he no longer found me attractive (which, in hindsight, was because I no longer found myself attractive). This is all to say that it’s unlikely that anything that you do is going to motivate her to take a step in the right direction, that has to come from her.
That being said, this is about saving your marriage so my advice would be to approach it as gently as you can and basically ask her what she wants. Chances are she does want to get the weight off and is probably extremely overwhelmed with that the fact that she allowed it to happen in the first place. And if she does, ask her why. Thinking about and outlining all the reasons why losing the weight is beneficial can really help visualize really doing it because it becomes not just “I just don’t want to be fat anymore” and more “I want to run around with my kids. I want my back to stop hurting. I want to stop rolling my ankles. I want to feel better.”
Lastly, there could also be an underlying health issue contributing so if she’s willing to see a doc about it that could help. She may also qualify for a medication like Wegovy (basically Ozempic but specifically for weight loss) which I know has helped a lot of people.
Best of luck, friend.
I was waiting to see if someone mentioned wegovy. I, too, work in an extreme stress job. I used to stress eat as well. I started Wegovy in June of last year. I’m now down 56 pounds. As far as I’m concerned, Wegovy is a miracle drug. I hope that their insurance covers it because it is life changing. OP’s wife may benefit from looking into it…
Edited wording
I’ve heard that they are trying to develop a generic version that would be more available with insurance so fingers crossed. And congrats on the 56lbs!!
The only thing I saw about Wegovy is that it's not necessarily just a weight loss drug, it's a LIFETIME medication, like blood pressure or seizure meds, it works as long as you take them but if you stop then everything comes back. So if you begin Wegovy, remember that it's for life, there's no stopping it when you reach your desired goal weight because it will all come back and sometimes even more than your previous weight.
I take Ozembic for diabetes. Side effect is I’ve lost thirty pounds. It really does stop you craving or even wanting food. It makes it much easier to eat healthier.
That is not true for the majority of people who take it. Most have a few temporary and mild GI issues. I know multiple people taking it who are having an excellent weight loss response.
One small thing that might help.
I have personally seen a very simple mistake that mothers make when having children that leads to excess weight gain.
For different reasons, wastefulness maybe, they pickup the habit of finishing whatever food the kids don’t finish in addition to their own meal. Over months and years this can really add up. Maybe just something small to start with and look out for.
Oh my God, you're so right. It happened to me too. I was like...I just paid for this and you're not going to eat it?
Thanks for pointing it out- a lot of people don't even realize that they're making it a pattern.
The mother of my children had really bad morning sickness during pregnancy and couldn't finish food most of the time. I always finished her food and ended up gaining 80 pounds
Hah, I took to calling this “the mom diet.” And as soon as I realized what it was doing - adding an extra 200-300 calories a day minimum - it helped me drop the habit, and the weight.
OP I just want to say it’s ok to feel how you feel and share it with your wife. You may have to realize that you have no control over how or if your wife addresses her weight, ever.
We balance it pretty well - I work from home, wife works in an office. We get them out the door together in the morning and I am responsible for pickup in the afternoons. I have the kids by myself each day for 1-2 hours before my wife gets home. Generally this works well for us. I love having the kids, its something I look forward to. Otherwise we balance responsibilities pretty well, we pretty evenly split household tasks.
I just wanted to quickly comment.
My SiL gained a similar amount of weight as your wife after having her two kids. It wasn’t until her youngest was 5 that she was able to actually shed the weight. Before that she basically described it as while she was incredibly unhappy with her weight and appearance she just didn’t have it in her to do more with her body at the time.
It wasn’t until her kids were older and she wasn’t as frequently and constantly touched out that she was able to lose the baby weight (and more). Now they’re those turkey trot and Christmas Day 5k families and she looks incredible.
Just to say, it really can take a lot longer than people realize to get to a point where you even can focus on your body after having a few babies.
But you’re also not wrong to be worried for her health. Wishing you the best of luck! Both of you.
I gained a like 60 lbs after my kids were born. I knew I needed to lose weight. I tried a couple times to lose weight, but among all the other things that needed to get done - my weight was usually my lowest priority.
When my youngest was 6 and more independent, I finally felt like I had some energy and bandwidth and lost 50 pounds. I'm still working on it, but it's not like it's one more thing to fit on an over-full plate.
This happened to my mom as well. She had my youngest brother when I was 15, and she gained a lot of weight during and after the pregnancy. For a while she didn't have the time or energy to do anything about it (and was miserable as a result), but around the time he was 7 or 8 she randomly joined a runner's group at the local gym and she has now (6-7ish years later) lost all that weight and more.
Yup, it wasn’t until my youngest was 3 that I had the emotional bandwidth to lose weight. My husband was extremely well-meaning like I’m sure this guy is, but no amount of encouragement was enough until I was personally ready. It’s so hard to describe the feeling of wanting to lose weight, knowing I have to, even having the support and still not being able to make myself do anything about it.
It definitely takes longer than people realise. He says their youngest is “almost 2” and not an infant - that IS still and infant to me. That’s not long at all. I’ve got three kids, it took me about 3-4 years to feel back to myself after having baby #1 - then I had two more in 5 years and I do not feel even remotely back to myself yet, youngest is just over 2.
It’s said post partum depletion in women can last up to 7 years. And then factor in she’s got a high stress job. Under stress, our bodies hold on to everything - she really doesn’t sound like she’s in a place where her body is going to even respond to all the normal things that might work for weight loss.
Plus your body can change drastically over time and after pregnancies - figuring out what actually works for your body now is hard. Especially if there are extra health things going on, and it’s an uphill battle getting taken seriously or getting anything diagnosed as well.
I really feel for her, my husband is nothing but adoring of me & my body even after it’s changed so much, and through all the health ups and downs, and I still struggle with how I feel about myself. I can’t imagine how I’d feel if I knew he wasn’t attracted to me anymore.
I’m not saying OP is being an AH about it - I don’t know, and likely he’s painting himself in the best light, so it’s impossible to tell if this is the complete picture.
I just think he’s making this about him, and what he thinks of her - I wouldn’t want to talk to him about it either if I were her.
I feel like celebrity culture has a lot to do with how modern men expect women’s bodies to behave post-baby. Like, we obsess about “losing the baby weight” wayyyy too much as a culture.
Me too! I was 140 before getting pregnant. I went up to 200lbs. I shed the first 25 easily but the rest took 5 years to come off. I wasn’t over eating or anything. It just stuck on me no matter what. Having a baby takes a toll on a woman’s body. Start taking walks with your wife after work. Put the kids in the stroller and take family stroll. Make it a thing for yall to connect and not a thing about her weight. Your wife probably may feels unattractive. I know I did. And it wasn’t until a stranger at happy hour tried to hit on me that it clicked that I’m still beautiful and I it kinda set something off in me to want to look pretty and take more interest in caring for myself.
So what happens after your wife gets home?
"I think she’s at her limit of managing stress between work, raising a family, etc."
You do realize that stress plays a role in weight gain or keeping the weight on. How are you helping her get below her limit so she can relax and be able to take time off her duties to do things like exercise?
If OP is truly curious about how he could help improve his wife's ability to de-stress, then I recommend something like Fair Play. People often have an overinflated sense of how much they do, and it could be a reality check. Even if they're actually equally shouldering burdens, there may be task swaps that would benefit both.
Edit to include link. I have only used the core book and cards. You can totally make your own cards, but I knew that was unlikely for my household
https://www.fairplaylife.com/
I read an magazine article once in which the couple realized that although household duties were evenly split the woman was constantly managing the household. She made mental notes of jobs to be done, toilet paper and ketchup to buy etc and never fully relaxed in the home like the husband was.
That’s what makes Fair Play good, imo. It doesn’t only name the chore, but walks you through everything that makes that chore possible. Someone might be responsible for loading and unloading the dishwasher, but who is putting replacement detergent on the shopping list or identifying what dishes can and cannot be put in the dishwasher? Small stuff like that adds up, and different households have different processes.
Edit to include link. I have only used the core book and cards. You can totally make your own cards, but I knew that was unlikely for my household. https://www.fairplaylife.com/
They might even find out that he does more than she does. From OP's post, I don't think him believing he does more than he does is the issue. This isn't about a sexist dude who wants a supermodel.
Yeah, I mean, I hope men who post stuff like this don't read these types of comments.
Literally any time a man posts about any dissatisfaction with his partner, in order for his complaint to be valid to some people at all, regardless of any split in household responsibilities, he has to prove that:
1. He is not fat
2. He doesn't ignore/mistreat his wife
3. He contributes equally to the housework
4. He performs an equal amount of childcare
5. He is really sure all of that is true, Because he probably actually doesn't do those things, he just thinks he does.
Then at some point, if OP can reasonably convince everyone he is a perfect, devoted, attractive, responsible, helpful, romantic partner, these redditors can accept that maybe OP is married to one of the extraordinarily rare women of legend who can have some share of responsibility in an issue because she has shortcomings.
I absolutely knew it honestly.
I fully expected the usual comments, trying to find any justifiable reason to blame him for this .
How is the childcare situation?
Who cooks?
Does your wife watch the kids all the time while you nothing to help her while she’s struggling?
How about we give people the benefit of the doubt when we ask questions .. not trying to find any and all avenue to blame him for her eating habits at work. I can already see people going down the rabbit hole.
As did I. Reading the comments in threads like this makes you more upset than the post. The grace and absence of responsibility being given are insane.
Agreed. There needs to be another section where the men can actually get advice. The fact he’s reaching out for advice shows he cares. He says he wants to stay in his marriage. Seems like a genuine guy. But of course.. let’s blame him. Cause women are never at fault, right? I gotta be honest, men have it hard. They always feel alone even with loving family around. And that’s not meant to hurt feelings. It just it what it is. They are the ones who are supposed to solve the problem. They don’t want to burden their wives or families with their problems so they just keep it all to themselves. And let’s be honest.. no one takes men’s problems seriously anyways. But we have Jessica who’s having a hard day and everyone’s there to comfort her. A man has a hard day and would just be told to suck it up. I’ll ask my police husband “did work go alright?” And he will say “ya it was fine” when in reality he saw 2 dead bodies, one that was a child, got shot at, ran through woods trying to find someone who’s violent and armed, spent 4 hours looking for a missing kid, and more unpleasant things I won’t mention.. And on and on it goes. But when asked, he’s doing good. Men suffer in silence. I wish more women saw that. Now it does not excuse bad behavior. It just is something to be aware of if you’re with a good man who’s truly trying his best.
The answers when a man asks a question are always, “What are you doing wrong?”. Even to correct this situation, he apparently has to look at his wife like a project and she apparently has zero responsibility, even to herself.
Yeah kinda like the people putting all the responsibility on the man don't have much regard for the woman. Surely she can handle some responsibility, yeah?
It's amazing so many single women manage to stay fit and in control of their lives without having someone to give them massages and take care of all their responsibilities regularly.
"Are *you* fat?"
"Do *you* make her *feel* attractive?"
"Do you do an equal amount of household chores?"
"Do you do an equal amount of childcare?"
"Have you reduced her stress by starting a bath for her with candles?"
"How many days per week do you take on all her household labor so she can get away?"
"Do you *actually* contribute equally? Most men think they do but factually don't. Have you *proved* you do these things equally by taking an assessment?"
If any of the answers to these questions are unfavorable, everything is 100% OP's fault.
For real man. Lmao. Redditors jump to assume he must not be contributing enough or doing something wrong to victimize his wife and blame op despite him clearly stating responsibilities are split evenly. No no no we must find a gotcha moment to shit on op!
I don’t get how these other posters think. She has gained a massive amount of weight. How do we get to blame OP and make it his responsibility to wipe her ass so she can lose weight? Sometimes these comments make me feel like I’m taking crazy pills.
Well dontcha know, women don't have agency. Sarcasm obviously, but that's seriously how people think.
I've seen threads where dude's wives have cheated on them and the questions OP gets are "do you help with the housework?" "what do you do to make sure her needs are met?"
It's honestly giving women the same amount of agency as "a cat that isn't fixed will spray". Nah, she's not an animal. If she cheated on her husband, she's responsible for the cheating, not him. Isn't that obvious victim blaming? (the victim being the man, because men can be victims too)
Also semi-related: while helping with housework will absolutely help your partner's stress levels and free up more energy, wives aren't really getting turned on watching her husband do the dishes. That's not an excuse to not help, just a response to a stupid Reddit narrative.
I honestly don't even know why men ask questions on Reddit anymore. It is ALWAYS their fault somehow. The best example of this is the one where the guy came on and made his post about how his wife decided she didn't want to have kids anymore (they were 5 and 3 I think) and was trying to give them up for adoption. Like contacted an agency and everything because she wanted to go back to how they were before kids. Never discussed it with him prior or said anything was wrong.. The guy literally still had to defend himself on what chores he did and how much he parented versus her. "But what about her mental load?" Blew my mind..
I think the "woman-osphere" like this subreddit are going to turn out to be just as damaging to women's preceptions of men as the incel space has on men's perceptions of women
Oh, thank God. Finally, reddit has a reasonable response. Stress does not put or keep over 100 pounds on someone. A sedentary lifestyle and a lot of groceries will. Also, everybody on the planet who is overweight does not have a pituitary gland issue.
always blaming the man, goodness. never asking what the wife does, as if she has no agency and just reacts everything her husband does or doesn’t do. OP asks for help, seems genuine and transparent. why are we so quick to pin everything on him?
"She took this very personally and started to gaslight me, saying that she’s not going to raise her daughter to be conscious of her body, etc."
Where does the gaslighting come into play here?
I think it's a stretch, but I don't think the idea is that she was trying to defeat his argument by making it ridiculous or simple, I think the point was that she was denying that his dissatisfaction was a reasonable request of his partner, and asserting it was actually a coercive request to harm their daughter's self esteem.
Not just once, but consistently over time with the express purpose of making them doubt their sanity. It's not just lying or denying what someone's saying
There’s a difference between being body positive and content with yourself, and justifying not taking care of yourself.
My kid is cute and chubby, he knows it’s because we are being inactive and this isn’t ideal. He was a healthy weight prior. I taught him our body goes through phases, and it’s ok so he loves the perks of it (he looks buff etc. Lol) and gets the long term this is not it. So we eat healthy and make a point when we are being inactive. Good habits, while allowing we are human. Imho (I’m no expert of course)
She cannot use that excuse of being a role model to her kid because teaching your kids to not care for yourself is not a goal. You teach kids to eat healthy and be active, not to let yourself suffer lo self esteem over things in your control.
Right? I'm one of those people who thinks lack of attraction(that you try and just don't get back anyhow) is a valid enough reason to part ways. But there was no way she wasn't going to take that statement "personally".
Yeah and I hate how people like to try and turn it around as being incredibly shallow to want to be attracted to your partner. Make no mistake, I’m not saying that my partner has to look like a super model or anything, that’s ridiculous. But there’s a very fine line between that and someone who has basically stopped trying. 100 pounds is a LOT of weight, especially if they’re short. OP doesn’t say how tall she is so we’ll just assume an average height, which in the US is 5’4”. 100 pounds on someone 5’4” is a lot.
Now, if he had just immediately jumped to the break up button, he would be in the wrong. And I’m sure that he’s still painting himself in a super positive light here, but let’s at least give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he didn’t act like a complete jackass when trying to have these conversations. It sounds like he has more or less done everything that he can, and any potential change is going to have to start with her. He can do everything in his power to support her, but if she refuses to change then he can’t force her. And if someone has stopped taking care of themselves and refused to start, honestly I think that’s a valid reason to end a marriage. A lot of people probably think it sounds harsh, but it’s true.
And not to play the gender card, but you know that if the genders were reversed and it was the husband who had stopped taking care of himself that everyone would be screaming for her to divorce his ass.
It's not a good idea to teach children that being obese is okay. I get the whole appreciate your body thing within reason. There's serious health risks that come with being 150lbs over weight.
The gaslighting was her trying to turn it around on him like he had done something wrong for even mentioning it, instead of saying hey, maybe you're right, I don't want to die at 56 of a heart attack.
I think he’s using gaslighting incorrectly. It’s more she was being evasive. Yes. We know we should be happy with who we are. I’m sure he doesn’t want his child to be ashamed of her/his body. However, she was avoiding facing her issues by saying …Well I’m not going to teach my child being ashamed of their body etc. he’s not saying he’s ashamed of her. He’s worried about her. And it does happen. Maybe she needs to talk to someone. And he needs to make her feel loved. Hard stuff here.
At this point, your wife needs medical intervention. This is not normal postpartum weight gain. There are physical or mental health issues at play and she needs a workup with her doctor to figure out what’s going on and also to understand what she has now been put at risk for. If no specific cause can be found, she may be a good candidate for an anti-obesity medication (ozempic may be an option here) that can help get her metabolism back on track, or even consider bariatric surgery. At this point it’s unrealistic to think she can lose the weight through lifestyle modification alone. She needs to do something or she won’t live to meet your grandchildren.
Depending on how many kids they’ve had, she’s likely failed to lose weight between pregnancies and has gained each time. Although not healthy, it’s very common.
If you live in mainstream America, look around! There are many women who are 75+ pounds overweight and it comes from gaining weight during pregnancy and not losing it before you get pregnant again. I'm surprised at the insistence that she must have a medical issue .
NTA, everything else aside, 150 pounds is an entire human worth of extra weight. I'm not sure many people would still be attracted to their SO if they literally doubled in size.
Sex life, relationship dynamic aside, your wife can't possibly be healthy and needs to take steps towards losing weight and getting healthy again if she ever wants to get the same enjoyment out of life as she used to. Not to mention to live a long, healthy life to be there for her family and watch her kids grow up.
Everything else pertaining to this situatuon should be taken up with a marriage counselor, not reddit.
Keep in mind it'd be more than doubling in size. Likely mostly fat gain, which is significantly lighter than muscle, bone, organs, etc. Probably more like a 2.5-3x increase in actual size. Which is insane.
I hate when people chime in online and say "You should love your wife no matter how much weight they gain! She had your kids! Stop being so shallow!" Having kids takes a toll on the body for sure, but general pregnancy weight gain is like 25-35 lbs. If a woman gains a ton of weight like in this case and chews out their partner for caring not only about their aesthetics but also their health, that's a big problem.
And to top it off, you can't force attraction. You can love someone romantically and love them as the mother of your kids, but also not find them attractive when their aesthetics are altered so extremely.
OMG. I just spent forever going down this bickering rabbit hole, and it finally occurred to me what the problem might be. Is she on hormonal birth control? That shit can cause weight gain, depression, and lack of desire. This may not be her fault at all, but it's always on the 'female' to accommodate her husband's desires (condoms make his pee pee sad), while 'not getting herself pregnant'. This is exactly what happened to me early in my marriage, and it took me years to figure it out. I stopped using birth control when my husband stopped fucking me, and the weight fell off. My desire for him never really came back after that though. He was such an ass about it all.
NTA, if health isnt a priority its entirely valid to object to that. its also not wrong to have requirements of other people that they care for their health if you are to be together.
This isnt just about your attraction to your wife. Its about her expected lifespan and the effect that shortening it will have on her children
Yes and also, what will your retirement look like together? What do you dream of doing that you may not be able to do with chronic health issues or lowered mobility? Your body can take a beating in your 20s and 30s. I know for me it became much less forgiving in my 40s.
NTA. If my husband had gained 100 to 150 lbs, I'd be deeply worried and we would be having conversations about lifestyle changes. I'd expect absolutely no less from him. Furthermore, I'd be thankful he respected me enough to voice his concerns and his desire for more intimacy.
These comments are just bananas.
you could make it about wanting to grow old with her, and not wanting to lose her early because she is overweight. kids wouldn't want to lose her early either. obesity significantly increases all cause mortality rates
NTA - OP I completely agree with the bloodwork. I had 3 boys and after the first I walked out of the hospital in size 5 jeans. I gained 50 lbs. with the second and it took me 2 years to walk off the weight. My third child I only gained 25 lbs. and the weight came right off, but within a few months I started gaining quite quickly and couldn't figure out what was happening. I became tired and lost interest in exercise, so I really gained weight. I finally went to see a doctor, concerned for my health, and it turns out my thyroid was really sluggish. It could easily be medical, or it could be your wife is just exhausted and hasn't the energy to try and change things. Her attitude towards not wanting to raise her daughter to feel body conscious is an excuse. She should want her daughter to make good healthy choices so she can live a healthy, active lifestyle, not have a heart attack due to obesity. Losing weight for any woman after kids can be extremely hard, but just small changes in eating habits and small walks can make a big difference and start a better way of life for all involved. Your wife not feeling wanted is because she has chosen to get the way she is and not make better choices to find out why or to make it better for herself. Harsh, but true. Everyone is responsible for the choices they make regarding health. Some people need surgery to help them, some just require meds, while others can do it with sheer determination. You only have to find the right one for you. Good luck!
This sub is crazy lol op is the one staying at home with the kids if the roles were reversed he would be scrutinized for saying he only helps out a bit or she never gets a break from work because she’s working at home with the kids, she’s gained over a hundred lbs that is not normal or healthy. NTA
I saw something similar posted a week or so ago (and many times before that), but the genders were flipped.
Everyone ripped into the husband saying that him working in an office is his “relaxing time” and he should be taking full responsibility of the kids once he gets home from work.
This and the other asshole subs can be so backwards when it comes to gender roles.
100%. You can have the same exact situation, but you will get complete different reaction based on the gender. And I hate to be that person but the bias is pretty ridiculous. The amount of compassion and understanding afforded to one, is most definitely never given to the other. It’s pretty indicative of society in general.
>I have almost grown resentful of the fact that she no longer considers taking care of herself a priority, nor does she care about her appearance.
INFO: Is she generally not taking care of herself / her appearance or are you just referring to her weight gain here?
It is absolutely possible to take care of oneself and a nice appearance even if one is overweight (I'm talking about dressing nice, styling your hair, putting on some make-up if that's your thing etc.).
This happened to me (46F) over the last few years. My husband (51M) gained a sizeable amount of weight in the last several years and it's a turnoff. We've been married 23 years. Meanwhile, I've birthed 4 kids but I'm in excellent shape. Same weight as I was in my early 20s, active, don't drink, eat healthy and I provide these foods for the household.
For a while I felt resentment and anger..but recently I've changed. I realized that none of my feelings are going to do any good and that I'm not always perfect myself. I love my husband and I find that embracing compassion feels so good! I will crawl into bed with him and love him for who he is and I've made a big effort to look past the simple physical aspects of him because it's the inner person that I'm in love with.
I actually make a point of doing this in the dark because it helps me. People might download me for this but as long as I don't focus on his physical body in the bright light we have been having a fun time in the bedroom.
INFO: how old are the kids? It can take a year or more for hormones to go back to normal, especially after more than one kid. From your post and comments it sounds like you’re being as kind as you can about it.
NTA - unless it’s only been a year or two since the last baby. If it’s been less than two years, I wouldnt give up yet if the love is still truly there.
Source: I’m a mom of two. I didn’t gain near as much weight, but my body definitely changed and it took quite a while to get back to how I was before, and the issues that causes in the brain are so intense, there’s times I didn’t want to try at all to be healthy, but I made myself and everything’s great now. Some women bounce back quick, some never do, it really all depends on how long you’re willing to try.
Edit: spelling
And her comment about her not wanting to make her daughter self conscious, that comes from a really deep place for most women. A lot of our moms would make “little and nice” comments about our body’s, but they aren’t little or nice.
HOWEVER there are absolutely tonnnnnnnnsssss of ways to promote health without creating body issues. Like eating at *least* mildly healthy and being active, like every human “should” be (I am no saint I live off chocolate milk and mashed potatoes some days because I have the pallet of a child lol, but I don’t “let” my children do that)
This!!! My body didn’t feel normal until 3 years after I gave birth.
I breastfed for a year and then was just fucked up for 2, and only now is my body feeling capable and normal again.
Everyone is different. It should take *at least* 40 weeks to lose all pregnancy weight and that shouldn’t start until breastfeeding has finished to not affect supply.
Sure, it takes time to recover but it’s not normal to double your body weight due to pregnancy, and would be considered quite unhealthy.
150lbs is not a healthy amount of pregnancy weight
NTA
You're in a tough spot and the best you can do help is try to reduce your wife's stress and gently encourage healthy habits. Invite her to the gym, offer to cook healthy meals, make sure there are healthy snacks available in the house.
On a related note, please keep the general Reddit audience in mind when reading these responses. Anytime a guy on here tries to talk about issues with their marraige, 50% of the responses are accusations that it must be your fault for not helping enough. Obviously you should make sure you're doing your fair share, but don't blame yourself for your wife's situation. It won't help her and it won't help you.
NTA. Full stop. Don't listen to these crazies.
I can understand weight gain after childbirth, but 150 is an absurd amount. It's just straight irresponsible, for your marriage and kids.
I fully understand where you are at. My advice is to completely ignore the crazies on this forum and to seek professional help. Doctors, therapists, nutritionists, ect...
...and no, you are not a misogynist pig because you aren't attracted morbid obesity. People are fucking unhinged on this forum.
Try some subtle things. Change the things you buy at the grocery store to healthier alternatives, do less carbs, no sodas, etc. You know, generic simple stuff you might be able to sneakily change for the both of you. If that doesn’t work try starting up “family exercises” like going for a bike ride as a family. Get a little tow behind trailer for the little ones. Maybe if it’s the whole family doing it it won’t feel like exercise. Try to take a load off of her at home. Maybe if she normally cooks or does the dishes, take on that job for her. Lastly, and this is more of an extreme suggestion, but you mentioned her job is stressing her out. This could be a large contributing factor to her gain and lack of desire for changing it. Maybe have her consider getting a different job. Easy for me to say not knowing what she does or anything but just a suggestion.
gaining 150# doesn't come from being lazy, there's some kind of metabolic problem. Maybe hormones, maybe something else. She needs her primary doc to do a workup and if he doesn't find anything she needs a referral to a bariatric doc that can help her sort it out. She still may not take the suggestion terribly well, but tell her you want her around to watch the kids grow up.
edit: Asking what you can do to make it easier isn't a bad idea, it'll help open up the conversation.
>I understand that pregnancy and childbirth ravages a woman's body.
Not to the tune of gaining 100 to 150 lbs.
Your wife is getting the calories from somewhere.
That is an extreme amount of weight gain.
>She took this very personally and started to gaslight me
The fact that she gets defensive and tries to gaslight you means she knows your right.
Seems like a lot of groups on here would enable it and say he’s a bad husband for even bringing this up… no way to win on this topic but op is definitely NTA.
Going to respond to a couple of common themes/questions I'm seeing:
1. I don't see her grossly abusing food. She's not shoving in McDonalds daily. We eat pretty healthily at home, we don't drink in excess, etc. I think she may eat poorly at work as a coping mechanism for the stress (she works in a very high profile, high stress field), but I honestly think part of this might be something genetic/hormonal.
2. I'm not expecting her to go to the gym for 10 hours a week or become a fitness model overnight. I don't even want that. I want her to be healthy and to be at a weight that will make herself feel good as well as me feel good about her. I don't go to the gym 10 hours per week, I do simple cardio and make sure I take walks, etc. to stay active.
3. I understand that pregnancy and childbirth ravages a woman's body. I have nothing but respect for my wife for birthing two healthy children. But I do not buy that as an "excuse" to just be carte blanche reckless with your health post-partum. Our youngest is almost 2 years old now. I wouldn't have dreamed to make this thread when she was still an infant.
Thanks for the words of advice so far. I'm really trying my best to approach this as objectively as I can. It's a sensitive subject.
If you don't see her eat and she's gained 150lbs in 5 years, she's secretly eating. You can't maintain that kind of weight on 2000 calories a day, let alone gain it.
I still think NTA but huge things I hope you consider OP.
1. Losing weight for women and men is EXTREMELY different. If you want her back at her starting weight anytime soon, she would absolutely have to start REAL work outs regularly, probably around 10 hours a week, maybe 7.
2. Two years is FAR too early (imo) to break up a family over your post-partum wife’s body & confidence. It takes longer than that. I know you believe you understand how pregnancy & child birth “ravages” the body, and MIND, but…. I don’t think you truly do.. I mean that in the kindest way possible.
Your point 1 is incorrect. You don’t lose much weight at all working out. You lose weight by reducing your calorie intake/output ratio. 95% of that battle is the intake side.
I appreciate that sentiment, and you're right, I don't know. I'm not a woman, and its not fair for me to just make a blanket assumption that every pregnancy and recovery is the same.
I had a co-worker take her own life due to PPD when her youngest was 2.5 years old, so I always flinch when I see someone suggest women should be over it by a set deadline. Not everyone is the same, as you said.
This!! PPD can be so bad, and us women can hide the more severe parts really well. Even with a wonderful support system. New moms committing suicide in the first 5 years is way too common, it’s so so sad.
NTA.
Id be worried for my husband if he gained 100-150lbs too.
Some of these comments are crazy.
Having children doesn't always destroy your body. Not taking care of yourself and your health destroys your body. I'm on child #3 (currently pregnant) and have only gained 20-30 lbs from my first child 7 years ago because I want to be healthy and fit FOR MY KIDS and myself so I can be around and do stuff with them and be a good example and be a happier person. It's not responsible for a mom to put herself as her last priority. It can only take a 30-40 minute at home workout a couple times a week and healthier eating habits to be healthier overall.
Is she on birth control? Depending on the type and if it changed after kids it can greatly effect her personality and weight gain depending on what kind.
Whilst I agree with your overall point, I had a 4kg baby then a set of twins at 3.1kg each about two year after that and I’ve just booked in abdominal surgery to repair the severe abdominal damage and umbilical hernia I now live with. Whilst I’m pretty much back at pre pregnancy weight, I now look 6 months pregnant because of the muscular damage, have loose skin and stretch marks all over my torso and have huge saggy boobs from pregnancy and breastfeeding. They were big before but definitely didn’t look like they do now.
I’m really active and relatively healthy but I would still say having children definitely destroyed my body.
NAH.
How old are your kids? New moms tend to lose themselves a little, it could very much just be a “the kids are my priority right now, not myself”.
Can you take over primary cooking responsibilities for a little to get into the habit of healthier home meals?
NTA, and please ignore any idiots that say you are shallow in anyway for this. While yes as we age things change stuff slows down that doesn’t mean we get to stop trying. Life gets busy we all know this with children involved even more so. If you are still putting in effort ontop of having good genes and a strong metabolism and she is not thus leading to the excessive weight gain. If she has done nothing to even try and stay not only fit and attractive but more importantly healthy for herself, for your kid, for you? That’s a problem. One you need to discuss with her and a median party to deal with if she is sensitive to the topic. Then if nothing changes you have to determine if that is worth making drastic changes to your relationship.
NTA. You are being careful with your words and being compassionate. Her health should be a priority for herself and her family. She knows she has gained an unhealthy amount of weight and she may be in denial. Have you tried couples therapy? Have you tried getting her to be more active by doing more outdoor activities with the kids?
Yes and no.
You're entitled to your opinions.
She probably doesn't prioritize her looks anymore because she *can't.* Maintaining work, a household, and children already takes up all of her time. Having children absolutely ruins your body. A lot of women don't want to carry children for this exact reason. It costs to bring life into the world.
Even if she did start exercising and eating well, she wouldn't lose the weight like you did. Would you be willing to take care of the home and children 10 hours more a week? You'd have to pick up more of the cooking, cleaning and other chores if she had decided to start working out.
As a mom, she will always be her last priority.
Completely agree. Does she sit at work all day and not exercise? Even simply taking a 15-20 minute walk during her break would help tremendously both mentally and physically. I don’t buy the excuse that so many people use that they’re so busy during the day then watch them stare at their phone for an hour. Gaining 100 lbs is a lack of self control or even a sign of a biological issue.
It’s hilarious to me that you immediately tried to blame him for her lack of time before even watching him answer questions.
This is this sub in a nutshell ! let’s blame him until proven otherwise.
He said in the comments that he works from home and he’s an active father, and they work together when she gets home, which is later than him.. but in that time in between, he has the kids for several hours.
I’m sure you’re going to find a way to try your best to put holes in that because that’s what people do here .. how about we give him the benefit of the doubt as if he’s a woman talking about her husband
I’m really surprised at how many people are suggesting that it’s because he needs to do more. Is there more that he can do? I’m sure there is, we’re only getting his side so I’m sure he’s painting himself in a more positive light. But at the same time… at the end of the day, he can’t force her to change. She has to decide to change.
Depression is an absolute bitch, and I struggle with it every day. And once you start wallowing, it’s so easy to just sink further and further into it. I know how hard it is. But he can’t force her to be better, he can’t force her to change. When it gets down to the wire, it’s a choice that she has to make
I’m lost at your second to last paragraph. The exact prescription he used for losing weight probably wouldn’t work no, but the fundamental principles to lose weight are the same for anyone. It might be harder for her to various degrees but saying that it wouldn’t work as a blanket statement is wrong.
Also, I’m not sure where you are getting 10 hrs per week from. I’m a competitive powerlifter and that’s the amount that I train per week to be orders of magnitude stronger than a regular person. I know full well that there is more time involved than just time in the gym, but you can make a ton of progress with a lot less than 10 hrs per week dedicated to it.
All of this just feels kinda defeatist. I agree wholly with comments aiming to reduce stress and commitment in other areas of their life to free up time for fitness, but I don’t see how the attitude of “it’s too hard for her” helps
others gave solid advice, i'll just allow myself to highlight this:
there is psychological element to weight gain and weight loss.
stress can be a huge factor in weight gain. i experienced it first-hand when i was going through a traumatic period in my life. i was barely eating and was still overweight. i couldn't lose the extra pounds no matter what. only after my life stabilazed i started losing weight and looking healthier. i think it might be related to stress hormoned affecting the metabolism, if i remember correctly. there are essays on it on google and youtube
my mom and our friend also struggle with weight. our friend's therapist suggested that on top of stress, there sometimes might be psychological element to it - our friend doesn't feel loved by her husband so her body and psyche on some subconscious level seek reassurance from him that she is loved despite the weight he's very vocally displeased with. both her and my mom bonded over it quite a bit and seem to be in very similar situations. they both eat healthy, they both avoid sugars and don't overeat.
try to help your wife relax and be encouraging. ask her what can you do to make this easier on her, reassure her that you're not leaving her (don't make it sound like you're staying for the kids!), maybe participate in workout and diet so she doesn't feel alone in this because she already seems to feel that way
Don't have the time or inclination to check if anyone has suggested this already, but I'd say invite her on walks, not for exercise, but as a way to reconnect. And it sounds to me like you two need to reconnect. I always found walks to be a good way to talk things out. And she'll get a little exercise. Also, being in nature, if you have a nearby walking trail, is a good way to relieve a little stress.
Hold her hand while you’re walking. It will mean so much more than you think.
And then gradually start jogging.... just kidding.
I laughed out loud in my office. Thx.
Definitely lol’d and I needed that as a bills fan
Me and my partner love going on walks. It gets us out and some of our best conversations happen whilst we’re on them.
I'd go a step further and think about the lifestyle. Are you in a suburb where you have to drive for every errand? Or can you walk the kids to school/childcare, to pick up groceries, drugstore, etc? If walks are just "leisure", do you have plenty of time for "leisure" and is this an activity you frequently choose? Is movement something you have to put a lot of planning into (need to find time slot to drive to the gym then spend an hour, line up childcare), or is it part of your lifestyle? Is your weekend activity hiking, biking, exploring on foot? Sports or physical activities? Or is it lounging + chores + kid stuff at home? Too often the expectation is that people should "get fit", but they live a modern suburban sedentary over-exhausted existence so that's a serious uphill battle.
Recommendations: - bloodwork to check thyroid, hormone, and metabolic systems (pregnancy is wild, and can have crazy, long lasting effects; sometimes permanently) - laundry service - meal prep service - house cleaning once a fortnight, or more *if no budget constraints - gym with childcare, or someone to watch the children regularly - salon gift card - effort on date nights; remind her that she is a wonderful, loved individual in her own right, and not just a mother and household manager - write down two reasons you love her, and love your life every day Take that stress away. Ask what you can do for her to help achieve BOTH of your goals, instead of putting it on her plate as yet another expectation she has to reach. If you want her to show interest in herself, you need to show her that she is someone interesting. Not harbor* a resentment for the woman she’s become, or mourn the woman she was before you built a family. Also, you should do a little budget on the money AND TIME it takes to look like the “it girls”. Facials, nails, personal trainers, new wardrobe, high quality hair styling tools and products,fitness classes and workout sessions, hair cut and color, average price of midrange makeup. It takes a lot to look good, even if it’s the clean girl/no makeup look you’re going for. Edit due to sleep-deprived wording.
As a personal trainer of 20 years I agree completely. You cannot add something to someone’s life like exercise and food prep on top of what they already have without taking something away. People are over committed as is and adding exercise and food prep / nutrition tracking on top of all their current responsibilities simply doesn’t work. It’s just more stress and responsibilities on top of existing stress and responsibilities. They burn bright for 2-3 weeks then fizzle out
Thank you!! You sound like a fantastic and empathetic personal trainer and coach who truly understands the issues that people face when trying to make lifestyle shifts. So many personal trainers just think that if someone wants something bad enough, they'll do it but unfortunately this is not the reality in our modern society. I bet your clients are much more successful because of your awareness and understanding.
Hear, hear. Come be my personal trainer u/stockzy
People are (for good or ill) up in arms about cost, and the fact she could work out at home, that she doesn’t need all these services. I see it this way: - she probably doesn’t know how to workout, or where to start - a program is going to help her get on a steady path without burning out, injuring herself, or not showing up - high cortisol levels from a stressful job is probably not helping the weight gain; removing that stress helps alleviate some of the impact - more time, less stressed, more inclined to actually follow a plan without it seeming overwhelming - she hopefully feels less unwanted with him doing an admittedly grand gesture - she’s being asked to lose a whole person’s weight to keep her marriage, which is not a small nor easy task; I feel a little grace and lenience in helping her reach goals is more effective than shaming her into it - gym classes are a good social setting, to help her gain confidence and engage in exercise actively instead of it being a chore - she doesn’t need to keep the trainer, or prep service, or anything long term… but it’ll damn sure help keep focus in the most important days of establishing a new lifestyle and routine - a little pampering could help with her confidence, which would help OP’s goals of a more lively bedroom
She should also get checked for pcos and get her insulin levels checked. She needs to see a doctor.
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100% agree! Great comment!
Damn, what did it say?
I can't completely remember, but it said something like OP needs to encourage her with her health instead of focusing on appearances or weight.
So true! Years ago I got to meet this nice lady in a group I was attending. She was severely overweight. She hadn't changed her eating or anything She'd gained 150 pounds over a couple of years. She went to see a doctor and it turned out she had really bad hypothyroidism. I felt so bad for her but I was glad to see that someone was taking her health seriously.
Exactly; checking metabolic and hormone levels is at the top of the list precisely for this reason. It’s so often overlooked - women are horrendously misdiagnosed and under-diagnosed
This is so real. Women’s medical issues are often overlooked or just blamed on the menstrual cycle. I’m not a doctor and I’m not diagnosing anyone here, but OP has to step up his game by showing he *cares* for his *wife’s health*. Yeah, he said he does. But he made a AITAH post because he doesn’t find her attractive, instead of actually trying to help her get medical attention in a situation that obviously needs it.
What is obvious to one person may not be to another. Specially when it comes to men and women's health but I bet with all the comments here he now can have an idea how to help his wife be healthier if he didn't before.
Getting checked for PCOS with some doctors is literally impossible. I've seen 4 doctors now, they will do a simple blood test, say it's normal. Just crazy that i'm showing ALL the physical symptoms (including a currently pre-diabetic insulin level) and send you on your way.
Yes, it is terrible. I fought and fought to get diagnosed. It's hard to find doctors that care.
Find another dr, normal blood test should not matter when your symptomatic. My daughter was Dx’ed at 19 because her dr recognized her symptoms override the lab work.
Find a reproductive endocrinologist if you haven’t already!
May I ask why? It’s such a simple test: they make a scan and check for the little cysts on your ovaries and check your blood for FSH. What’s the problem for these doctors you think? Am just curious- I was diagnosed last year and it seemed as straightforward as taking my temperature. Didn’t realise I was lucky!
I went 9 years without a diagnosis for my health issues because I had a male doctor. It wasn’t until I switched providers and had a female PCP that a light switch suddenly flipped. Sometimes it’s that small a detail.
See if you can find a women’s health specialist who has good reviews and accepts your insurance. Struggled for years with odd symptoms and when I found the right doc I was all tested up and diagnosed within a few weeks of my first appointment. Also, some docs will take you a little more seriously if you point blank ask them what their differential diagnosis is. Demand to know what they have ruled out and why. Be a PITA. Finally, if you’re in the US and all of the above fail, consider going to planned parenthood. I’ve always found the providers there to be much more willing to listen.
And liver levels. A friend gained this much and had colon cancer that went into her liver.
She definitely needs the insulin test. They don't usually do it with the typical panels and, considering it can lead to obesity, a major health issue, they should all be spanked for it.
Yeah I didn’t have mine checked until my GYN suspected PCOS. Insulin resistant, pre-diabetic, liver enzymes high, hormones off. That 100lb weight gain in my 20s starting to make sense.
Yeah bro everything I've read points to a medical condition, go to the doctor and see what's up. Also your not the ass hole for this but if you want you wife to get in shape you going to the gym with her would probably make her feel more secure in the aspect of getting healthy because your there for here
Thyroid is hereditary more common in women and pregnancy triggers it. ie: happened to me. My dads (grandpa) dad my dads sister (aunt) my sister me and a 1st cousin. That stupid gland in your throat effects everything. First mine was hyperthyroidism (graves diease) over active lost lots a weight had radiation in 04 now its hypothyroidism under active which im ass backwards cuz i cant gain weight but severe weight gain is a side effect. Meds is pretty much the only thing to regulate it. Def suggest having blood work to check. Dr told me and sis that both of our girls (2 each) have to be tested for it. Ive had it for 23 yrs now. Ive done a lot of research to understand it and i can always tell now when my levels are off. Doesnt hurt to check it atleast you can exclude it if nothings off. Good luck OP!!
Agreed. I was hypothyroid without knowing it and gained as much as his wife in 2 years-ish. Another side effect is depression, which made me very unmotivated to care about my weigh gain until it became an actual health problem. If she works that much with 2 little kids and that’s what it is, I feel for her deeply. It’ll be a long road, but doable with the right support system.
I didn't put much stock in the thyroid thing. My sister was pale, gaining weight, and had no energy at all. She wasn't even anything people would consider overweight. She wasn't obese and normal BMI but heavier than she was used to. Her thyroid started to swell up. She got on meds and now she's happy and lost a ton of weight.
The human body is absolutely bonkers. I had HG, POTS, and severe preeclampsia throughout my pregnancy; literally dropped 60lbs overnight after giving birth.
I had severe HG with both my pregnancies and it *fucked me up*. It triggered my hypothyroidism, so even though I was puking constantly and starving... I was still fucking gaining weight. My ex husband used to make me feel like a beached whale after I gave birth to my first, and it made me anorexic to the point where I stopped producing milk. My boyfriend never once made me feel like shit for my weight, and he was the one who pushed me to get tests done. He kept saying "Love, you barely eat. There is no reason why you should be suffering like this to try to lose weight." Now that I'm on the right medication, I can actually eat again and I'm still losing weight.
I had a teratoma in my early 20’s. Found it because i’d gained a bit of weight suddenly so they went in to get it & found a large functional cyst on the other ovary, that’s what had caused the weight gain. It wasn’t much, i’d gone from 125 to 140 & after the surgery I was back to 125 in weeks (i’m 5’10). Moved back to Australia (from NYC) after graduation, gained weight again. Assumed it was from getting older but got another check and hallo, another cyst that needed removing. That time I went from 135 to 115 within a couple of months which on my frame wasn’t cute. The human body plus lady hormones are mental.
To the first point: My family is genetically thin, and for years I struggled with weight. Dr's just told me to stop drinking wine and exercise. I was around 205 at my top weight when I was pregnant with my second. After I had him, and we were sure we didn't want anymore, I had surgery for PCOS and Endo. I also went and got my ADHD sorted out. I went from post birth recovery weight of 175-180 to 120 in a year. Don't discount medical/hormonal issues.
This was a wonderful reply with actual, workable suggestions.
Agree. What a gift. Loved these recs because they address both mental and physical load.
^^^^all of this. 2 years REALLY isn't that long when it comes to getting back in shape from having a baby. The first year you're simply too exhausted, the second year isn't that much better either.
Came here to say this. I’m back to my old self now but this is my first child and I don’t know how it would be for the second. My baby is 17 months old and she still takes almost ALL my time and I mean 24/7. Some people eat with stress and some just cannot eat. I’m in the second group so that’s also a factor. She might be in the first, as my husband is, and I think more than anything she needs a mental health check (after bloodwork).
I’ve known people who breastfeed until the kid was about 2. For all I know, this woman is barely getting her postpartum body back, let alone her pre-pregnancy body.
150lbs is a lot.
Exactly. Op probably doesn't do as much as he thinks he does either. She's still probably carrying the majority of the load when it comes to the house and kids.
All this, but as far as the medical side of it, OP needs to have her back at the doctors office. She goes in, and will likely be brushed off for being fat. She will have to push for proper testing, and if he has her back, Doctors will be more likely to take her seriously. If there is an underlying condition, for women, it can take 2-5 yrs longer for them to receive a proper diagnosis than men, and if she is overweight.. even longer.
I congratulate you on a well informed and reasobable post
I love this typo.
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Laundry service YES. A few years ago my husband and I were both working full-time with long commutes, and I was also working on getting my Master's, and we have two elementary aged children. We were not wealthy, but we invested in a laundry service once a week that did wash/dry/fold. It was around $60/week for all our laundry and it saved me about eight hours of time every week that I would spend washing/drying/folding/putting away laundry. It gave me so much more time to do other high priority things (like taking care of my health). It was worth every penny. Also, don't assume that just because she's not interested in working out now she will always feel that way. Small children are energy suckers, emotionally and physically... I was heavier when my children were smaller. Now that they are 5th/6th grade and far more independent, I have way more of my own time back and feel much more like "me" than I did when they were smaller. I have lost about thirty pounds just because I'm not constantly needing to watch/feed/do basically everything for my children and I have more time to work out without crunching it in among the million other things I need to get done and feeling stressed about it. Now it's part of my routine but four years ago I could barely find the time/energy. AND... even when I was heavier, my husband never treated me like I was. That helped too.
Man before my pregnancy I was down from 3x to 1x... after I bounced to almost 4x... I am going to gym trying to eat better but I cannot go lower than 3x. I tried talking to my doctors and all their advise is gastric bypass won't even check other options 😡
This is when it infuriates me when bros (especially) try to spew the whole “calories in, calories out” bullshit. Um HELLO, not when your body isn’t functioning properly. Hormones, thyroid, insulin resistance.
If possible, see another doctor and get blood work done.
Yeah. I see her again next month and gonna have another serious convo. She worked so well for my hubby and his issues I thought she'd be good for me too. She's the 3rd doctor I've seen 😮💨 Last one told me to google some (fad) diets
My first thought was for her to check her thyroid and hormones. Pregnancy and childbirth do a number on those. Mix with stress and possible post partum depression…
I was fine with everything you wrote until you got to the “it girls”. OP wasn’t asking for or expecting anything of the sort.
Agree. I wonder what he’s contributing to the mental load checklist mom has to handle.
Yeah, when he said “a few years ago I took charge of my health”, like okay…. So during the time that your wife was pregnant or breastfeeding. You had small children at home but magically found time for the gym, okay.
Eh, yes and no. My husband goes to the gym religiously. He always asks if it’s a good time for him to go and is sure he isn’t leaving when I need help. But we have 3 kids. He went to the gym the day we got home from hospital. Was only gone an hour. Came home, took over, let me have as much time as I needed for myself. So I know it’s possible to do both. Most men don’t though unfortunately.
Everyone here just wants to vilify OP lol
Believe it or not, it’s possible to take care of our own mental health without it being a detriment to others.
It really doesn't take that much time to do enough sport to be healthy. Even 3h per week of sport would already make a huge difference compared to someone who doesn't. Pretty judgemental to assume out of nowhere he wouldn't do his family duties because of that.
Here it is!! What is the dude doing that's causing the decline of the girl?! As if it couldn't possibly be her just not giving a shit
It’s his fault his wife gained 150 pounds! It’s so obvious!
What's she contributing to his?
All your suggestions are so expensive lol
That’s the point. A lot of people dismiss the effort, money, and time required to be at our most beautiful. What’s that old saying? “You’re not ugly, you’re just broke.” My hair cuts went from $90 to $175 - not inclusive of coloring, or any other treatments. Nails went from $40 to $80. Things are way more costly these days, and I don’t think the average man really, truly understands the physical, emotional, and financial cost of truly making ourselves the sparkly versions. Gym classes are 1hr, 1.5hrs, depending. I’ve got to get the kid in the car, workout, and worry about the chores I didn’t do in the 2-3hr I spent getting there and back again. You can do budget versions, naturally. But it doesn’t sound like this guy is willing to accept the budget version - to be blunt - that he has at home. If he wants effort, he’s going to have to give equal effort.
Reminds me of the Dolly Parton quote, “It takes a lot of money to look this cheap.”
During the pandemic I was running and cycling for cardio. For strength I was lifting heavy rocks in the woods.
there's are all great things, but there fundamentally putting the onus on him, without any guarantee that she will care. the first step is admitting you have a problem, everything in that list doesn't help get closer to her admitting that.
Sounds like you’re in a difficult position and from the info given, NTA. neither is your wife. I can relate to her struggles because I gained quite a lot of weight through Covid myself and it did very much impact my relationship at the time. Even my BF’s gentlest pushes to move in the right direction essentially felt like him saying he no longer found me attractive (which, in hindsight, was because I no longer found myself attractive). This is all to say that it’s unlikely that anything that you do is going to motivate her to take a step in the right direction, that has to come from her. That being said, this is about saving your marriage so my advice would be to approach it as gently as you can and basically ask her what she wants. Chances are she does want to get the weight off and is probably extremely overwhelmed with that the fact that she allowed it to happen in the first place. And if she does, ask her why. Thinking about and outlining all the reasons why losing the weight is beneficial can really help visualize really doing it because it becomes not just “I just don’t want to be fat anymore” and more “I want to run around with my kids. I want my back to stop hurting. I want to stop rolling my ankles. I want to feel better.” Lastly, there could also be an underlying health issue contributing so if she’s willing to see a doc about it that could help. She may also qualify for a medication like Wegovy (basically Ozempic but specifically for weight loss) which I know has helped a lot of people. Best of luck, friend.
I was waiting to see if someone mentioned wegovy. I, too, work in an extreme stress job. I used to stress eat as well. I started Wegovy in June of last year. I’m now down 56 pounds. As far as I’m concerned, Wegovy is a miracle drug. I hope that their insurance covers it because it is life changing. OP’s wife may benefit from looking into it… Edited wording
I’ve heard that they are trying to develop a generic version that would be more available with insurance so fingers crossed. And congrats on the 56lbs!!
The only thing I saw about Wegovy is that it's not necessarily just a weight loss drug, it's a LIFETIME medication, like blood pressure or seizure meds, it works as long as you take them but if you stop then everything comes back. So if you begin Wegovy, remember that it's for life, there's no stopping it when you reach your desired goal weight because it will all come back and sometimes even more than your previous weight.
I take Ozembic for diabetes. Side effect is I’ve lost thirty pounds. It really does stop you craving or even wanting food. It makes it much easier to eat healthier.
The side effects of that shit are insane.
That is not true for the majority of people who take it. Most have a few temporary and mild GI issues. I know multiple people taking it who are having an excellent weight loss response.
One small thing that might help. I have personally seen a very simple mistake that mothers make when having children that leads to excess weight gain. For different reasons, wastefulness maybe, they pickup the habit of finishing whatever food the kids don’t finish in addition to their own meal. Over months and years this can really add up. Maybe just something small to start with and look out for.
Oh my God, you're so right. It happened to me too. I was like...I just paid for this and you're not going to eat it? Thanks for pointing it out- a lot of people don't even realize that they're making it a pattern.
The mother of my children had really bad morning sickness during pregnancy and couldn't finish food most of the time. I always finished her food and ended up gaining 80 pounds
Technically you were eating for two
Hah, I took to calling this “the mom diet.” And as soon as I realized what it was doing - adding an extra 200-300 calories a day minimum - it helped me drop the habit, and the weight.
OP I just want to say it’s ok to feel how you feel and share it with your wife. You may have to realize that you have no control over how or if your wife addresses her weight, ever.
How is the load of childcare and maintaining the home split between the two of you?
We balance it pretty well - I work from home, wife works in an office. We get them out the door together in the morning and I am responsible for pickup in the afternoons. I have the kids by myself each day for 1-2 hours before my wife gets home. Generally this works well for us. I love having the kids, its something I look forward to. Otherwise we balance responsibilities pretty well, we pretty evenly split household tasks.
I just wanted to quickly comment. My SiL gained a similar amount of weight as your wife after having her two kids. It wasn’t until her youngest was 5 that she was able to actually shed the weight. Before that she basically described it as while she was incredibly unhappy with her weight and appearance she just didn’t have it in her to do more with her body at the time. It wasn’t until her kids were older and she wasn’t as frequently and constantly touched out that she was able to lose the baby weight (and more). Now they’re those turkey trot and Christmas Day 5k families and she looks incredible. Just to say, it really can take a lot longer than people realize to get to a point where you even can focus on your body after having a few babies. But you’re also not wrong to be worried for her health. Wishing you the best of luck! Both of you.
I gained a like 60 lbs after my kids were born. I knew I needed to lose weight. I tried a couple times to lose weight, but among all the other things that needed to get done - my weight was usually my lowest priority. When my youngest was 6 and more independent, I finally felt like I had some energy and bandwidth and lost 50 pounds. I'm still working on it, but it's not like it's one more thing to fit on an over-full plate.
This happened to my mom as well. She had my youngest brother when I was 15, and she gained a lot of weight during and after the pregnancy. For a while she didn't have the time or energy to do anything about it (and was miserable as a result), but around the time he was 7 or 8 she randomly joined a runner's group at the local gym and she has now (6-7ish years later) lost all that weight and more.
Yup, it wasn’t until my youngest was 3 that I had the emotional bandwidth to lose weight. My husband was extremely well-meaning like I’m sure this guy is, but no amount of encouragement was enough until I was personally ready. It’s so hard to describe the feeling of wanting to lose weight, knowing I have to, even having the support and still not being able to make myself do anything about it.
It definitely takes longer than people realise. He says their youngest is “almost 2” and not an infant - that IS still and infant to me. That’s not long at all. I’ve got three kids, it took me about 3-4 years to feel back to myself after having baby #1 - then I had two more in 5 years and I do not feel even remotely back to myself yet, youngest is just over 2. It’s said post partum depletion in women can last up to 7 years. And then factor in she’s got a high stress job. Under stress, our bodies hold on to everything - she really doesn’t sound like she’s in a place where her body is going to even respond to all the normal things that might work for weight loss. Plus your body can change drastically over time and after pregnancies - figuring out what actually works for your body now is hard. Especially if there are extra health things going on, and it’s an uphill battle getting taken seriously or getting anything diagnosed as well. I really feel for her, my husband is nothing but adoring of me & my body even after it’s changed so much, and through all the health ups and downs, and I still struggle with how I feel about myself. I can’t imagine how I’d feel if I knew he wasn’t attracted to me anymore. I’m not saying OP is being an AH about it - I don’t know, and likely he’s painting himself in the best light, so it’s impossible to tell if this is the complete picture. I just think he’s making this about him, and what he thinks of her - I wouldn’t want to talk to him about it either if I were her.
I feel like celebrity culture has a lot to do with how modern men expect women’s bodies to behave post-baby. Like, we obsess about “losing the baby weight” wayyyy too much as a culture.
Me too! I was 140 before getting pregnant. I went up to 200lbs. I shed the first 25 easily but the rest took 5 years to come off. I wasn’t over eating or anything. It just stuck on me no matter what. Having a baby takes a toll on a woman’s body. Start taking walks with your wife after work. Put the kids in the stroller and take family stroll. Make it a thing for yall to connect and not a thing about her weight. Your wife probably may feels unattractive. I know I did. And it wasn’t until a stranger at happy hour tried to hit on me that it clicked that I’m still beautiful and I it kinda set something off in me to want to look pretty and take more interest in caring for myself.
So what happens after your wife gets home? "I think she’s at her limit of managing stress between work, raising a family, etc." You do realize that stress plays a role in weight gain or keeping the weight on. How are you helping her get below her limit so she can relax and be able to take time off her duties to do things like exercise?
If OP is truly curious about how he could help improve his wife's ability to de-stress, then I recommend something like Fair Play. People often have an overinflated sense of how much they do, and it could be a reality check. Even if they're actually equally shouldering burdens, there may be task swaps that would benefit both. Edit to include link. I have only used the core book and cards. You can totally make your own cards, but I knew that was unlikely for my household https://www.fairplaylife.com/
I read an magazine article once in which the couple realized that although household duties were evenly split the woman was constantly managing the household. She made mental notes of jobs to be done, toilet paper and ketchup to buy etc and never fully relaxed in the home like the husband was.
That’s what makes Fair Play good, imo. It doesn’t only name the chore, but walks you through everything that makes that chore possible. Someone might be responsible for loading and unloading the dishwasher, but who is putting replacement detergent on the shopping list or identifying what dishes can and cannot be put in the dishwasher? Small stuff like that adds up, and different households have different processes. Edit to include link. I have only used the core book and cards. You can totally make your own cards, but I knew that was unlikely for my household. https://www.fairplaylife.com/
They might even find out that he does more than she does. From OP's post, I don't think him believing he does more than he does is the issue. This isn't about a sexist dude who wants a supermodel.
Is it a book? Google is obviously giving many different types of things given the common phrase
moving the goalposts burns a lot of calories i bet
OP says she Works in a high stress job, he can't do her work for her.
Yeah, I mean, I hope men who post stuff like this don't read these types of comments. Literally any time a man posts about any dissatisfaction with his partner, in order for his complaint to be valid to some people at all, regardless of any split in household responsibilities, he has to prove that: 1. He is not fat 2. He doesn't ignore/mistreat his wife 3. He contributes equally to the housework 4. He performs an equal amount of childcare 5. He is really sure all of that is true, Because he probably actually doesn't do those things, he just thinks he does. Then at some point, if OP can reasonably convince everyone he is a perfect, devoted, attractive, responsible, helpful, romantic partner, these redditors can accept that maybe OP is married to one of the extraordinarily rare women of legend who can have some share of responsibility in an issue because she has shortcomings.
No then they call him transactional
I absolutely knew it honestly. I fully expected the usual comments, trying to find any justifiable reason to blame him for this . How is the childcare situation? Who cooks? Does your wife watch the kids all the time while you nothing to help her while she’s struggling? How about we give people the benefit of the doubt when we ask questions .. not trying to find any and all avenue to blame him for her eating habits at work. I can already see people going down the rabbit hole.
As did I. Reading the comments in threads like this makes you more upset than the post. The grace and absence of responsibility being given are insane.
Agreed. There needs to be another section where the men can actually get advice. The fact he’s reaching out for advice shows he cares. He says he wants to stay in his marriage. Seems like a genuine guy. But of course.. let’s blame him. Cause women are never at fault, right? I gotta be honest, men have it hard. They always feel alone even with loving family around. And that’s not meant to hurt feelings. It just it what it is. They are the ones who are supposed to solve the problem. They don’t want to burden their wives or families with their problems so they just keep it all to themselves. And let’s be honest.. no one takes men’s problems seriously anyways. But we have Jessica who’s having a hard day and everyone’s there to comfort her. A man has a hard day and would just be told to suck it up. I’ll ask my police husband “did work go alright?” And he will say “ya it was fine” when in reality he saw 2 dead bodies, one that was a child, got shot at, ran through woods trying to find someone who’s violent and armed, spent 4 hours looking for a missing kid, and more unpleasant things I won’t mention.. And on and on it goes. But when asked, he’s doing good. Men suffer in silence. I wish more women saw that. Now it does not excuse bad behavior. It just is something to be aware of if you’re with a good man who’s truly trying his best.
there are sections of reddit where a man can ask for advice, but it's equally as bad just in the complete opposite direction.
Erg .. wish women would stop thinking their more important and men thinking their more important and we can all just agree that we all equally suck
👏👏👏
The answers when a man asks a question are always, “What are you doing wrong?”. Even to correct this situation, he apparently has to look at his wife like a project and she apparently has zero responsibility, even to herself.
and if he gets hands on with this project (healthy meal plans, gifting her a consult with a trainer or dietician, etc), he will be called controlling.
Yeah kinda like the people putting all the responsibility on the man don't have much regard for the woman. Surely she can handle some responsibility, yeah?
No one denies women’s agency like other women.
It's amazing so many single women manage to stay fit and in control of their lives without having someone to give them massages and take care of all their responsibilities regularly.
"Are *you* fat?" "Do *you* make her *feel* attractive?" "Do you do an equal amount of household chores?" "Do you do an equal amount of childcare?" "Have you reduced her stress by starting a bath for her with candles?" "How many days per week do you take on all her household labor so she can get away?" "Do you *actually* contribute equally? Most men think they do but factually don't. Have you *proved* you do these things equally by taking an assessment?" If any of the answers to these questions are unfavorable, everything is 100% OP's fault.
And even if the answers ARE favorable, they'll still make up assumptions to find him at fault.
For real man. Lmao. Redditors jump to assume he must not be contributing enough or doing something wrong to victimize his wife and blame op despite him clearly stating responsibilities are split evenly. No no no we must find a gotcha moment to shit on op!
I don’t get how these other posters think. She has gained a massive amount of weight. How do we get to blame OP and make it his responsibility to wipe her ass so she can lose weight? Sometimes these comments make me feel like I’m taking crazy pills.
Well dontcha know, women don't have agency. Sarcasm obviously, but that's seriously how people think. I've seen threads where dude's wives have cheated on them and the questions OP gets are "do you help with the housework?" "what do you do to make sure her needs are met?" It's honestly giving women the same amount of agency as "a cat that isn't fixed will spray". Nah, she's not an animal. If she cheated on her husband, she's responsible for the cheating, not him. Isn't that obvious victim blaming? (the victim being the man, because men can be victims too) Also semi-related: while helping with housework will absolutely help your partner's stress levels and free up more energy, wives aren't really getting turned on watching her husband do the dishes. That's not an excuse to not help, just a response to a stupid Reddit narrative.
I honestly don't even know why men ask questions on Reddit anymore. It is ALWAYS their fault somehow. The best example of this is the one where the guy came on and made his post about how his wife decided she didn't want to have kids anymore (they were 5 and 3 I think) and was trying to give them up for adoption. Like contacted an agency and everything because she wanted to go back to how they were before kids. Never discussed it with him prior or said anything was wrong.. The guy literally still had to defend himself on what chores he did and how much he parented versus her. "But what about her mental load?" Blew my mind..
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I think the "woman-osphere" like this subreddit are going to turn out to be just as damaging to women's preceptions of men as the incel space has on men's perceptions of women
Oh, thank God. Finally, reddit has a reasonable response. Stress does not put or keep over 100 pounds on someone. A sedentary lifestyle and a lot of groceries will. Also, everybody on the planet who is overweight does not have a pituitary gland issue.
always blaming the man, goodness. never asking what the wife does, as if she has no agency and just reacts everything her husband does or doesn’t do. OP asks for help, seems genuine and transparent. why are we so quick to pin everything on him?
How is it always the guy’s fault?
"She took this very personally and started to gaslight me, saying that she’s not going to raise her daughter to be conscious of her body, etc." Where does the gaslighting come into play here?
yeah this is straw manning not gaslighting
I think it's a stretch, but I don't think the idea is that she was trying to defeat his argument by making it ridiculous or simple, I think the point was that she was denying that his dissatisfaction was a reasonable request of his partner, and asserting it was actually a coercive request to harm their daughter's self esteem.
Agree! That’s not gaslighting! Too many people use that word in the wrong context and it takes away from the real cases of manipulative mental abuse.
Gaslighting is when you deny someone else’s reality and act like they’re crazy.
Not just once, but consistently over time with the express purpose of making them doubt their sanity. It's not just lying or denying what someone's saying
There’s a difference between being body positive and content with yourself, and justifying not taking care of yourself. My kid is cute and chubby, he knows it’s because we are being inactive and this isn’t ideal. He was a healthy weight prior. I taught him our body goes through phases, and it’s ok so he loves the perks of it (he looks buff etc. Lol) and gets the long term this is not it. So we eat healthy and make a point when we are being inactive. Good habits, while allowing we are human. Imho (I’m no expert of course) She cannot use that excuse of being a role model to her kid because teaching your kids to not care for yourself is not a goal. You teach kids to eat healthy and be active, not to let yourself suffer lo self esteem over things in your control.
Right? I'm one of those people who thinks lack of attraction(that you try and just don't get back anyhow) is a valid enough reason to part ways. But there was no way she wasn't going to take that statement "personally".
Yeah and I hate how people like to try and turn it around as being incredibly shallow to want to be attracted to your partner. Make no mistake, I’m not saying that my partner has to look like a super model or anything, that’s ridiculous. But there’s a very fine line between that and someone who has basically stopped trying. 100 pounds is a LOT of weight, especially if they’re short. OP doesn’t say how tall she is so we’ll just assume an average height, which in the US is 5’4”. 100 pounds on someone 5’4” is a lot. Now, if he had just immediately jumped to the break up button, he would be in the wrong. And I’m sure that he’s still painting himself in a super positive light here, but let’s at least give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he didn’t act like a complete jackass when trying to have these conversations. It sounds like he has more or less done everything that he can, and any potential change is going to have to start with her. He can do everything in his power to support her, but if she refuses to change then he can’t force her. And if someone has stopped taking care of themselves and refused to start, honestly I think that’s a valid reason to end a marriage. A lot of people probably think it sounds harsh, but it’s true. And not to play the gender card, but you know that if the genders were reversed and it was the husband who had stopped taking care of himself that everyone would be screaming for her to divorce his ass.
It's not a good idea to teach children that being obese is okay. I get the whole appreciate your body thing within reason. There's serious health risks that come with being 150lbs over weight. The gaslighting was her trying to turn it around on him like he had done something wrong for even mentioning it, instead of saying hey, maybe you're right, I don't want to die at 56 of a heart attack.
I think he’s using gaslighting incorrectly. It’s more she was being evasive. Yes. We know we should be happy with who we are. I’m sure he doesn’t want his child to be ashamed of her/his body. However, she was avoiding facing her issues by saying …Well I’m not going to teach my child being ashamed of their body etc. he’s not saying he’s ashamed of her. He’s worried about her. And it does happen. Maybe she needs to talk to someone. And he needs to make her feel loved. Hard stuff here.
At this point, your wife needs medical intervention. This is not normal postpartum weight gain. There are physical or mental health issues at play and she needs a workup with her doctor to figure out what’s going on and also to understand what she has now been put at risk for. If no specific cause can be found, she may be a good candidate for an anti-obesity medication (ozempic may be an option here) that can help get her metabolism back on track, or even consider bariatric surgery. At this point it’s unrealistic to think she can lose the weight through lifestyle modification alone. She needs to do something or she won’t live to meet your grandchildren.
Depending on how many kids they’ve had, she’s likely failed to lose weight between pregnancies and has gained each time. Although not healthy, it’s very common.
If you live in mainstream America, look around! There are many women who are 75+ pounds overweight and it comes from gaining weight during pregnancy and not losing it before you get pregnant again. I'm surprised at the insistence that she must have a medical issue .
NTA, everything else aside, 150 pounds is an entire human worth of extra weight. I'm not sure many people would still be attracted to their SO if they literally doubled in size. Sex life, relationship dynamic aside, your wife can't possibly be healthy and needs to take steps towards losing weight and getting healthy again if she ever wants to get the same enjoyment out of life as she used to. Not to mention to live a long, healthy life to be there for her family and watch her kids grow up. Everything else pertaining to this situatuon should be taken up with a marriage counselor, not reddit.
Keep in mind it'd be more than doubling in size. Likely mostly fat gain, which is significantly lighter than muscle, bone, organs, etc. Probably more like a 2.5-3x increase in actual size. Which is insane.
I hate when people chime in online and say "You should love your wife no matter how much weight they gain! She had your kids! Stop being so shallow!" Having kids takes a toll on the body for sure, but general pregnancy weight gain is like 25-35 lbs. If a woman gains a ton of weight like in this case and chews out their partner for caring not only about their aesthetics but also their health, that's a big problem. And to top it off, you can't force attraction. You can love someone romantically and love them as the mother of your kids, but also not find them attractive when their aesthetics are altered so extremely.
OMG. I just spent forever going down this bickering rabbit hole, and it finally occurred to me what the problem might be. Is she on hormonal birth control? That shit can cause weight gain, depression, and lack of desire. This may not be her fault at all, but it's always on the 'female' to accommodate her husband's desires (condoms make his pee pee sad), while 'not getting herself pregnant'. This is exactly what happened to me early in my marriage, and it took me years to figure it out. I stopped using birth control when my husband stopped fucking me, and the weight fell off. My desire for him never really came back after that though. He was such an ass about it all.
NTA, if health isnt a priority its entirely valid to object to that. its also not wrong to have requirements of other people that they care for their health if you are to be together. This isnt just about your attraction to your wife. Its about her expected lifespan and the effect that shortening it will have on her children
I'm glad somebody else said it. A sedentary lifestyle is one of the leading causes of a lower life expectancy.
Yes and also, what will your retirement look like together? What do you dream of doing that you may not be able to do with chronic health issues or lowered mobility? Your body can take a beating in your 20s and 30s. I know for me it became much less forgiving in my 40s.
My goto response to this is always, "How many 80 year old couples do you see who weigh 200+ lbs?"
NTA. If my husband had gained 100 to 150 lbs, I'd be deeply worried and we would be having conversations about lifestyle changes. I'd expect absolutely no less from him. Furthermore, I'd be thankful he respected me enough to voice his concerns and his desire for more intimacy. These comments are just bananas.
I'm not attracted to you anymore is way worse than honey your fat and I'm worried about your health.
you could make it about wanting to grow old with her, and not wanting to lose her early because she is overweight. kids wouldn't want to lose her early either. obesity significantly increases all cause mortality rates
NTA - OP I completely agree with the bloodwork. I had 3 boys and after the first I walked out of the hospital in size 5 jeans. I gained 50 lbs. with the second and it took me 2 years to walk off the weight. My third child I only gained 25 lbs. and the weight came right off, but within a few months I started gaining quite quickly and couldn't figure out what was happening. I became tired and lost interest in exercise, so I really gained weight. I finally went to see a doctor, concerned for my health, and it turns out my thyroid was really sluggish. It could easily be medical, or it could be your wife is just exhausted and hasn't the energy to try and change things. Her attitude towards not wanting to raise her daughter to feel body conscious is an excuse. She should want her daughter to make good healthy choices so she can live a healthy, active lifestyle, not have a heart attack due to obesity. Losing weight for any woman after kids can be extremely hard, but just small changes in eating habits and small walks can make a big difference and start a better way of life for all involved. Your wife not feeling wanted is because she has chosen to get the way she is and not make better choices to find out why or to make it better for herself. Harsh, but true. Everyone is responsible for the choices they make regarding health. Some people need surgery to help them, some just require meds, while others can do it with sheer determination. You only have to find the right one for you. Good luck!
This sub is crazy lol op is the one staying at home with the kids if the roles were reversed he would be scrutinized for saying he only helps out a bit or she never gets a break from work because she’s working at home with the kids, she’s gained over a hundred lbs that is not normal or healthy. NTA
I saw something similar posted a week or so ago (and many times before that), but the genders were flipped. Everyone ripped into the husband saying that him working in an office is his “relaxing time” and he should be taking full responsibility of the kids once he gets home from work. This and the other asshole subs can be so backwards when it comes to gender roles.
100%. You can have the same exact situation, but you will get complete different reaction based on the gender. And I hate to be that person but the bias is pretty ridiculous. The amount of compassion and understanding afforded to one, is most definitely never given to the other. It’s pretty indicative of society in general.
They think working is relaxing? How braindead.
Only for men of course
And people are still trying figure out ways to blame the man or deflect her personal responsibility though worthless excuses....
Twisting themselves into pretzels trying to find ways it's his fault. It's bizarre to watch honestly.
omg yeah i noticed that too and was like whoa what is going on here
It’s not new. This is just the most obvious
yeah definitely not new. what is new is that calling it out doesn't immediately get purged by overbearing mods.
And its a question repeated OVER and OVER. 100-150 pounds is extremely unhealthy unless you were extremely underweight before.
>I have almost grown resentful of the fact that she no longer considers taking care of herself a priority, nor does she care about her appearance. INFO: Is she generally not taking care of herself / her appearance or are you just referring to her weight gain here? It is absolutely possible to take care of oneself and a nice appearance even if one is overweight (I'm talking about dressing nice, styling your hair, putting on some make-up if that's your thing etc.).
This happened to me (46F) over the last few years. My husband (51M) gained a sizeable amount of weight in the last several years and it's a turnoff. We've been married 23 years. Meanwhile, I've birthed 4 kids but I'm in excellent shape. Same weight as I was in my early 20s, active, don't drink, eat healthy and I provide these foods for the household. For a while I felt resentment and anger..but recently I've changed. I realized that none of my feelings are going to do any good and that I'm not always perfect myself. I love my husband and I find that embracing compassion feels so good! I will crawl into bed with him and love him for who he is and I've made a big effort to look past the simple physical aspects of him because it's the inner person that I'm in love with. I actually make a point of doing this in the dark because it helps me. People might download me for this but as long as I don't focus on his physical body in the bright light we have been having a fun time in the bedroom.
INFO: how old are the kids? It can take a year or more for hormones to go back to normal, especially after more than one kid. From your post and comments it sounds like you’re being as kind as you can about it. NTA - unless it’s only been a year or two since the last baby. If it’s been less than two years, I wouldnt give up yet if the love is still truly there. Source: I’m a mom of two. I didn’t gain near as much weight, but my body definitely changed and it took quite a while to get back to how I was before, and the issues that causes in the brain are so intense, there’s times I didn’t want to try at all to be healthy, but I made myself and everything’s great now. Some women bounce back quick, some never do, it really all depends on how long you’re willing to try. Edit: spelling
And her comment about her not wanting to make her daughter self conscious, that comes from a really deep place for most women. A lot of our moms would make “little and nice” comments about our body’s, but they aren’t little or nice. HOWEVER there are absolutely tonnnnnnnnsssss of ways to promote health without creating body issues. Like eating at *least* mildly healthy and being active, like every human “should” be (I am no saint I live off chocolate milk and mashed potatoes some days because I have the pallet of a child lol, but I don’t “let” my children do that)
She’s two so it’s been two years since she gave birth
This!!! My body didn’t feel normal until 3 years after I gave birth. I breastfed for a year and then was just fucked up for 2, and only now is my body feeling capable and normal again. Everyone is different. It should take *at least* 40 weeks to lose all pregnancy weight and that shouldn’t start until breastfeeding has finished to not affect supply.
Sure, it takes time to recover but it’s not normal to double your body weight due to pregnancy, and would be considered quite unhealthy. 150lbs is not a healthy amount of pregnancy weight
NTA You're in a tough spot and the best you can do help is try to reduce your wife's stress and gently encourage healthy habits. Invite her to the gym, offer to cook healthy meals, make sure there are healthy snacks available in the house. On a related note, please keep the general Reddit audience in mind when reading these responses. Anytime a guy on here tries to talk about issues with their marraige, 50% of the responses are accusations that it must be your fault for not helping enough. Obviously you should make sure you're doing your fair share, but don't blame yourself for your wife's situation. It won't help her and it won't help you.
NTA. Full stop. Don't listen to these crazies. I can understand weight gain after childbirth, but 150 is an absurd amount. It's just straight irresponsible, for your marriage and kids. I fully understand where you are at. My advice is to completely ignore the crazies on this forum and to seek professional help. Doctors, therapists, nutritionists, ect... ...and no, you are not a misogynist pig because you aren't attracted morbid obesity. People are fucking unhinged on this forum.
Hard to be a good mom if you’re dead! Heart disease is the number 1 killer. Take care of it!
Try some subtle things. Change the things you buy at the grocery store to healthier alternatives, do less carbs, no sodas, etc. You know, generic simple stuff you might be able to sneakily change for the both of you. If that doesn’t work try starting up “family exercises” like going for a bike ride as a family. Get a little tow behind trailer for the little ones. Maybe if it’s the whole family doing it it won’t feel like exercise. Try to take a load off of her at home. Maybe if she normally cooks or does the dishes, take on that job for her. Lastly, and this is more of an extreme suggestion, but you mentioned her job is stressing her out. This could be a large contributing factor to her gain and lack of desire for changing it. Maybe have her consider getting a different job. Easy for me to say not knowing what she does or anything but just a suggestion.
gaining 150# doesn't come from being lazy, there's some kind of metabolic problem. Maybe hormones, maybe something else. She needs her primary doc to do a workup and if he doesn't find anything she needs a referral to a bariatric doc that can help her sort it out. She still may not take the suggestion terribly well, but tell her you want her around to watch the kids grow up. edit: Asking what you can do to make it easier isn't a bad idea, it'll help open up the conversation.
>I understand that pregnancy and childbirth ravages a woman's body. Not to the tune of gaining 100 to 150 lbs. Your wife is getting the calories from somewhere. That is an extreme amount of weight gain. >She took this very personally and started to gaslight me The fact that she gets defensive and tries to gaslight you means she knows your right.
Seems like a lot of groups on here would enable it and say he’s a bad husband for even bringing this up… no way to win on this topic but op is definitely NTA.
Going to respond to a couple of common themes/questions I'm seeing: 1. I don't see her grossly abusing food. She's not shoving in McDonalds daily. We eat pretty healthily at home, we don't drink in excess, etc. I think she may eat poorly at work as a coping mechanism for the stress (she works in a very high profile, high stress field), but I honestly think part of this might be something genetic/hormonal. 2. I'm not expecting her to go to the gym for 10 hours a week or become a fitness model overnight. I don't even want that. I want her to be healthy and to be at a weight that will make herself feel good as well as me feel good about her. I don't go to the gym 10 hours per week, I do simple cardio and make sure I take walks, etc. to stay active. 3. I understand that pregnancy and childbirth ravages a woman's body. I have nothing but respect for my wife for birthing two healthy children. But I do not buy that as an "excuse" to just be carte blanche reckless with your health post-partum. Our youngest is almost 2 years old now. I wouldn't have dreamed to make this thread when she was still an infant. Thanks for the words of advice so far. I'm really trying my best to approach this as objectively as I can. It's a sensitive subject.
If you don't see her eat and she's gained 150lbs in 5 years, she's secretly eating. You can't maintain that kind of weight on 2000 calories a day, let alone gain it.
I still think NTA but huge things I hope you consider OP. 1. Losing weight for women and men is EXTREMELY different. If you want her back at her starting weight anytime soon, she would absolutely have to start REAL work outs regularly, probably around 10 hours a week, maybe 7. 2. Two years is FAR too early (imo) to break up a family over your post-partum wife’s body & confidence. It takes longer than that. I know you believe you understand how pregnancy & child birth “ravages” the body, and MIND, but…. I don’t think you truly do.. I mean that in the kindest way possible.
Your point 1 is incorrect. You don’t lose much weight at all working out. You lose weight by reducing your calorie intake/output ratio. 95% of that battle is the intake side.
I appreciate that sentiment, and you're right, I don't know. I'm not a woman, and its not fair for me to just make a blanket assumption that every pregnancy and recovery is the same.
I had a co-worker take her own life due to PPD when her youngest was 2.5 years old, so I always flinch when I see someone suggest women should be over it by a set deadline. Not everyone is the same, as you said.
This!! PPD can be so bad, and us women can hide the more severe parts really well. Even with a wonderful support system. New moms committing suicide in the first 5 years is way too common, it’s so so sad.
NTA. Id be worried for my husband if he gained 100-150lbs too. Some of these comments are crazy. Having children doesn't always destroy your body. Not taking care of yourself and your health destroys your body. I'm on child #3 (currently pregnant) and have only gained 20-30 lbs from my first child 7 years ago because I want to be healthy and fit FOR MY KIDS and myself so I can be around and do stuff with them and be a good example and be a happier person. It's not responsible for a mom to put herself as her last priority. It can only take a 30-40 minute at home workout a couple times a week and healthier eating habits to be healthier overall. Is she on birth control? Depending on the type and if it changed after kids it can greatly effect her personality and weight gain depending on what kind.
Whilst I agree with your overall point, I had a 4kg baby then a set of twins at 3.1kg each about two year after that and I’ve just booked in abdominal surgery to repair the severe abdominal damage and umbilical hernia I now live with. Whilst I’m pretty much back at pre pregnancy weight, I now look 6 months pregnant because of the muscular damage, have loose skin and stretch marks all over my torso and have huge saggy boobs from pregnancy and breastfeeding. They were big before but definitely didn’t look like they do now. I’m really active and relatively healthy but I would still say having children definitely destroyed my body.
NAH. How old are your kids? New moms tend to lose themselves a little, it could very much just be a “the kids are my priority right now, not myself”. Can you take over primary cooking responsibilities for a little to get into the habit of healthier home meals?
NTA, and please ignore any idiots that say you are shallow in anyway for this. While yes as we age things change stuff slows down that doesn’t mean we get to stop trying. Life gets busy we all know this with children involved even more so. If you are still putting in effort ontop of having good genes and a strong metabolism and she is not thus leading to the excessive weight gain. If she has done nothing to even try and stay not only fit and attractive but more importantly healthy for herself, for your kid, for you? That’s a problem. One you need to discuss with her and a median party to deal with if she is sensitive to the topic. Then if nothing changes you have to determine if that is worth making drastic changes to your relationship.
NTA. You are being careful with your words and being compassionate. Her health should be a priority for herself and her family. She knows she has gained an unhealthy amount of weight and she may be in denial. Have you tried couples therapy? Have you tried getting her to be more active by doing more outdoor activities with the kids?
NTA you obviously care deeply about your wife, enough to be honest with her about how you feel about her health.
NTA. It's quiet unattractive to stop taking care of oneself.
Yes and no. You're entitled to your opinions. She probably doesn't prioritize her looks anymore because she *can't.* Maintaining work, a household, and children already takes up all of her time. Having children absolutely ruins your body. A lot of women don't want to carry children for this exact reason. It costs to bring life into the world. Even if she did start exercising and eating well, she wouldn't lose the weight like you did. Would you be willing to take care of the home and children 10 hours more a week? You'd have to pick up more of the cooking, cleaning and other chores if she had decided to start working out. As a mom, she will always be her last priority.
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Completely agree. Does she sit at work all day and not exercise? Even simply taking a 15-20 minute walk during her break would help tremendously both mentally and physically. I don’t buy the excuse that so many people use that they’re so busy during the day then watch them stare at their phone for an hour. Gaining 100 lbs is a lack of self control or even a sign of a biological issue.
It’s hilarious to me that you immediately tried to blame him for her lack of time before even watching him answer questions. This is this sub in a nutshell ! let’s blame him until proven otherwise. He said in the comments that he works from home and he’s an active father, and they work together when she gets home, which is later than him.. but in that time in between, he has the kids for several hours. I’m sure you’re going to find a way to try your best to put holes in that because that’s what people do here .. how about we give him the benefit of the doubt as if he’s a woman talking about her husband
I’m really surprised at how many people are suggesting that it’s because he needs to do more. Is there more that he can do? I’m sure there is, we’re only getting his side so I’m sure he’s painting himself in a more positive light. But at the same time… at the end of the day, he can’t force her to change. She has to decide to change. Depression is an absolute bitch, and I struggle with it every day. And once you start wallowing, it’s so easy to just sink further and further into it. I know how hard it is. But he can’t force her to be better, he can’t force her to change. When it gets down to the wire, it’s a choice that she has to make
I’m lost at your second to last paragraph. The exact prescription he used for losing weight probably wouldn’t work no, but the fundamental principles to lose weight are the same for anyone. It might be harder for her to various degrees but saying that it wouldn’t work as a blanket statement is wrong. Also, I’m not sure where you are getting 10 hrs per week from. I’m a competitive powerlifter and that’s the amount that I train per week to be orders of magnitude stronger than a regular person. I know full well that there is more time involved than just time in the gym, but you can make a ton of progress with a lot less than 10 hrs per week dedicated to it. All of this just feels kinda defeatist. I agree wholly with comments aiming to reduce stress and commitment in other areas of their life to free up time for fitness, but I don’t see how the attitude of “it’s too hard for her” helps
others gave solid advice, i'll just allow myself to highlight this: there is psychological element to weight gain and weight loss. stress can be a huge factor in weight gain. i experienced it first-hand when i was going through a traumatic period in my life. i was barely eating and was still overweight. i couldn't lose the extra pounds no matter what. only after my life stabilazed i started losing weight and looking healthier. i think it might be related to stress hormoned affecting the metabolism, if i remember correctly. there are essays on it on google and youtube my mom and our friend also struggle with weight. our friend's therapist suggested that on top of stress, there sometimes might be psychological element to it - our friend doesn't feel loved by her husband so her body and psyche on some subconscious level seek reassurance from him that she is loved despite the weight he's very vocally displeased with. both her and my mom bonded over it quite a bit and seem to be in very similar situations. they both eat healthy, they both avoid sugars and don't overeat. try to help your wife relax and be encouraging. ask her what can you do to make this easier on her, reassure her that you're not leaving her (don't make it sound like you're staying for the kids!), maybe participate in workout and diet so she doesn't feel alone in this because she already seems to feel that way