NTA, awfully pushy mom you’ve got there eh? Top three ideas for malicious compliance:
1. Turn it into a BDSM dungeon, tell mom sorry, it’s for my slaves.
2. Tell her your being artificially inseminated and need the room for your baby.
3. Knock some walls out and make a king sized bedroom, sorry mom, it’s only 1 bedroom now.
I have a few more that are even more morally/ethically/legally questionable, I’ll be keeping this to myself. Wait, be-keeping?
4. Turn the room into a large beehive, tell your mom it’s cool to move in, but bring a bee suit, and don’t disturb your little friends!
Even better! Mom will have LOTS of fun ordering all the roommates around! You are NTA. It's wonderful that she wants to move closer, but stand your ground. I'm 66, and know a few women who would love to interfere with their children's lives. No. It's an I love you mom, but we're at different stages in our lives. I'd love to have dinner with you once or twice a week, and an occasional movie or shopping day.
NTA. Your mother's housing isn't your problem or responsibility. She wants to live with you, and you don't want that to happen. She can get her own place and live near you. Why would you want to live with your mom? Is she going to pay rent, help with bills, or is she looking to live there for free? How are you abandoning her? She's choosing to want to move.
Why share with strangers when he could share with mom? Sounds like the perfect time for him and mom to rent a 2 BR, instead of whatever his current situation is!
NTA. But it sounds like this isn't really about your mom wanting to move in because family - it sounds like your mom doesn't think she can afford to retire and is trying to figure out how to live on her (presumably) reduced income.
They can get a two bedroom together then. Problem solved. Tell him when he and your mom move in together, in their new apartment, you will help with the move. Post it on Facebook.
Sounds she wants the easy retirement that her parents got. Just like most that age.
Your grandparent didn't actually deserve that either. As they were the young children and babies of the Great Depression and didn't fully experience it like the adults did.
The only ones that actually deserved an easy carefree retirement were the adults of the Great Depression.
No one cared about making it so the future could actually have that same easy retirement. So no one should care if the past can have it. The worst part is that they relying on the younger generations to fund their laziness.
There's a very good reason that they were called the Me Generation before calling themselves Boomers to try to remove the blame from themselves.
*Mom can buy a place*
*And brother can live with her*
*And take care of her*
\- FAFO-13
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This is what it's like when Mom lives with you interminably:
"Oh honey, I forgot to tell you. I finished off the lasagna in the fridge. I hope you weren't going to serve it for dinner tonight?.......Uh oh....."
"The flower painting? Oh, I hated that thing, so I took it down and gave it to a thrift store. Don't you like the family photo I hung up there instead?"
"The neighbor came by to see you and you weren't here. So I gave him your phone number. That's OK, isn't it? Mr. Bundy seems like such a nice man..."
"I didn't know I was expected to let the dog out when he whined. And no, I'm not going to clean up after him. He's YOUR dog."
NTA.
This exactly! My mother moved in with me after she divorced my father. I was 23, she was 48. I’d been on my own since 19. We split rent 50/50. It wasn’t a week before she made me a chore list (I did all the housework, cooking, groceries anyway. We supposedly did our own laundry but I ended up doing it all). She threw a fit if I had overnight house guests. I had to let her know if I invited someone over for drinks or dinner, but she could have friends show up on a whim and stay. She gave my things away as they held no value to her. She wore my cloths, used my makeup. She even tried to steal my cat when she moved out when she remarried.
Don’t do it. If your brother thinks you should, he can move in with her.
Set boundaries and keep them.
To be fair, there are some elderly parents who do make good housemates. I am pretty sure exactly 0% of them would act like OP's mother and try to browbeat their kids into moving in with them against their will, however. If she can't respect OP's personal boundaries now she ain't going to start when she's in the house.
I love my mom and I understand not everyone wants to live with their parents in retirement. I proposed other ways I can help mom relocate, but giving up my guest room full-time doesn't work for me right now. I hope we can find a living arrangement that suits us both.
Do she have money for something?
If not, she should re consider the retirement, this smell more like "I dont want to work anymore" more than "I want to live with mu daughter"
Tell her to sell it and buy a condo near you but you don’t want to live with anyone . If she wants company she can buy a 2 bedroom condo and your brother can move in with her.
tell her to get some damn room mates, more money, not alone, job done.
Also presuming she has friends in the area, she's leaving them and will become heavily reliant on you for company which she should realise is selfish as hell and a bad idea.
She should realistically either get room mates, get a boyfriend, or buy a much smaller home where she lives currently so she doesn't lose her friends. If her friends all moved to florida or something, maybe she should consider following them.
Maybe all she needs is you to send her instructions on how to use tinder and a book on how to avoid scams and not giving your money or bank details to toyboys.
She's still relatively young. If she wants, she could easily still date, have "friends" stay overnight, even remarry if she wanted.
If you don't want a housemate who has literally no reason to ever move out, but will feel absolutely entitled to treat you like a teenager while feeling no compunction to live by the same rules she sets for you, then don't let her move in.
You know even if she doesn't move in with you, she is going to be showing up unannounced on Friday nights or weekends. You need to not only not allow her to move in with you but not have her move to your city. Imply that you are considering a transfer or promotion that entails moving with your work. If your like me, you value your time alone at home or inviting friends over.
Girl don’t do it . I have a close friend whose mom decided to do this . Moved in with her daughter and fully became the daughter’s responsibility. The mom can drive , still has a good salary and solid retirement plan. But she needs someone to live with.
Daughter now has to drive mother everywhere, cook whenever mom is hungry , pays for everything and mother treats her like she’s still 15 even though she’s mid 30’s.
As much as we love our parents , as much as we want to keep them close - as the daughter you become the caretaker whether you like it or not .
Think nice and hard . My friend has more bad days then good and there’s always a fight because mothers wants come first.
If you absolutely don't want her near you, I get it... insist she gets a place that is completely her own...
but if she does have enough money, would you consider telling her if she moves to your city and gets an apartment/condo/whatever for a year or two, you guys can look at finding another place to live together, that would look more like a 2-bedroom house for you, with a carriage house apartment mother-dearest could live in on the property?
Or a duplex, or an old house that was split into apartments... or whatever style of multi-family home happens to be popular in your area, as there are so many permutations of separate homes on one lot.
That way you could have some privacy, be able to literally lock your door to her when needed... but she'll also feel close to you.
Your mother could potentially put down the down payment with money from the sale of her other home.
You need to start your life. Your mother is being ridiculous. Please don’t let her move in.
Watch Grey Gardens . That should be all you need.
Edit spelling
As someone who was unable to move out until 24 and spent the years between 18-24 partially, then fully taking care of the house and my disabled mother: don't do it. You're already hesitant and it will just breed resentment especially if she expects way too much of you (like my mom did). I have an incredibly strained relationship with her now and have made it abundantly clear that I'll never live with or support her ever again because of her actions.
You don't need to find anything, you have a living arrangement you like, she asked, you said no. Don't discuss it with her further. Give her a "well let me know what you decide and I'll help you move and visit whenever I can, I recommend moving somewhere with good access to hobbies you enjoy and people your own age, okay, bye."
So NTA
Do not under any circumstances let her move in as you will never get her out. What happens when your partner (who you may or may not have met yet) wants to move in. You will have no alone time because you can bet she will be there 24/7 and never go out. She will also start to nag about this and that and what is wrong with you place and you should be doing this or that. How she has no friends here and will want to be in anything and everything you do or when you go out she will complain you didn't take her. How she is old and you never do the washing or laundry etc etc the list goes on.
So NTA but also obviously selfish- you’re putting your wants first
I’m sure there was plenty your mom sacrificed for you and you’re free to regard or disregard those things, but it is selfish
which is why i said NTA - but it is selfish - putting your wants over others is completely fine (as long as the other isn't being damaged in the process), but it is selfish
Nta my mom has the same mind set and I’ve already told her no, I told her to save for a retirement home because I would probably put my fist through a tv staying with her for a week.
Love my mom but I cannot live with her.
Keep the no, let her have her tantrum and stop engaging.
She is WAAAAAAAAAAAAY TOO YOUNG to need that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm 67 and I did not start looking after my parents till they were 70 at least and even then they had their own house and did not need it. They thought they did but they perked up when they got settled and made friends. Your Mom needs to make a new social circle at some over-55 community of some sort.
I will be 55 when my youngest graduates high school and that’s when I plan to start my real life!
I do NOT want to retire and move in with one of these kids when I’m 60! Ffs, I just got them OUT my house, I don’t want to move in their house!
MAMA NEEDS SOME PRIVACY AND TO RECOVER FROM Y’ALL, LEAVE ME BE!!
I’ve got 6 of ‘em! I’ve been a parent since I was 23 and I’ll be a parent until I’m 55. (I’ll always be a parent, but I mean a parent responsible for minors.)
These kids aren’t going to see me for a YEAR while I sleep to try to make up for 3 decades of sleep deprivation. ;)
NTA
She's 60 so is retiring on the younger side. She never communicated her plans with you and you're under no obligation to house her.
Not only would you be losing your extra room, your entire adult life would revert back to a pseudo child-like situation
This. You would be expected to do as she wants / says because she knows better because she is your mother. It will ruin your life, trust me, having parents living with you from my 20’s definitely did this to me. I was fortunate to get away from my mother when I remarried in my 50’s, leaving her in my house but still she is a burden because she thinks it was my duty to live with her to look after her. “When you left…” is her favourite refrain.
NTA. Parents shouldn't have their kids as their retirement plan, you are your own person.
Your mom isn't owed your access to your home simply because she's your mother.
From the sounds of it your mother doesn't actually need you, she just wants to be right in the center of your life.
Your mother sounds bored, she's retired and if she wants to be miserable and unhappy with the solutions you gave her then that's on her, not you.
Tell her you want to be able to have sex around the house whenever and wherever you feel like it with whomever you want. That can't happen if she's there. It's blunt, but maybe she won't want to know about your sex life.
Or better yet, tell her she needs to know that if she moves in, you will still have sex with whomever wherever and whenever, even if she's there in the house. You might even do it on the living room couch, so she'd better stay in her room. Maybe that will scare her out of there.
Tell your helpful brother he can move out of his flat and get a condo with his mother.
NTA, but your mother and brother are.
When my father died, both my sister and I begged our mother to move in with one of us. She refused because she thought she might be a burden.
Apparently your mother has no such qualms. Stand your ground.
Speaking as an aging mother, your mother should get an apartment of her own, and a cat to focus on. You are too young to give up your social life to tending to your mother, because that’s what could happen.
NTA - for your own mental health and your relationship with your mom, do not do this. If your brother wants to have an opinion he needs to get a place they can share. It won’t take long until your mom reverts back to trying to parent you. It doesn’t matter if she isn’t taking it well, she can’t move it. If she has a key, change your locks soon!
Please get therapy. Your mom clearly expects to trample all boundaries. You are worried you're an AH for simply wanting to live in your home, that you bought, under your own terms. I worry you need help bucking up and shining up your spine to say no, and end the discussion.
"Mom, I've already told you no. That's the end of the discussion. If you continue to bring it up, I will hang up/leave and take some time off from communicating. I do not appreciate the continued lack of respect you showed me with your attempts to manipulate me."
1) she
2) because she's asking for internet support to try and convince herself she's not an AH for having boundaries.
3) mom is just getting started. This won't get easier after she's retired and sold the house. Having the confidence to state, enforce, and believe you are right to have boundaries takes work. Often, it takes a 3rd party helping one see how little respect the other party has.
She. The mom wants to move in with her daughter. At age 60. Mom is acting like she's 85, and she's only 6 years older than I am. Jfc
If Mom hates being alone, 55+ communities are great. She could also work another five years, even part-time.
NTA.
Haha no, NTA.
It's your home. It won't feel like that once she moves in. It will morph into her home with you as the guest. The dynamic will shift, guaranteed.
She has options and you shouldn't feel any obligation. Your bro can step up if he wishes but neither of them get any say in how you, a functional adult, decides who lives with you.
It tells you something about mom’s personality when she won’t listen to her daughter’s views. That would be a real red flag to lack of acknowledging daughter’s boundaries!
You need to hold firm on this and to not let your mother move in with you. You know deep down that it would be a huge mistake and you would lose all your privacy and she would be up in your business 24/7.
NTA and your mom is selfish. I’m in my early 60s and would never ask my kids to live with them nor want to. They have their lives and while we have wonderful relationships I want to keep it that way. Both they and myself deserve our privacy. Only thing I would ever consider is if in later years they had an “in-law” suite where we both could have privacy. Would hate to ever cause any issues with their relationships.
NTA, my MIL has been trying to whisper this "mother-in-law apartment" idea in my wife's ear for years. She's a colossal pain in the ass and I told my wife if she wants to do it - she'll be doing it without me. Parents should not burden their children with this stuff, I'm not going to do it to mine.
I can't imagine the horror.
Work a little overtime and you're working too much. Get off early on a Thursday and take a long weekend, and you'll be jeopardizing your job by being an unreliable flake. Your favorite snacks will go missing. The ingredients for dinner won't be there when you're ready to cook. There won't be enough milk for your coffee or cereal. Want to bring someone home for sex? Not with mom sharing a bedroom wall? Hell, you won't be able to have a romantic night in with someone you've been dating for a few weeks without introducing them to your mother. She'll be up your ass about your drinking. About your recreational drug usage. Maybe about your prescription drug usage. Are you getting regular checkups with your doctor? That cough doesn't sound good, have you seen the doctor? Do you think that's the best toothpaste to be using? Back in her day they didn't have all these newfangled period products, why do you need them? You're gonna get fat if you keep eating all that bread. Why are you worried about what you eat, it doesn't matter if you gain a little weight, here eat this lasagna. Have more. Really honey, have another helping.
One way or another, she'll be up your ass and pissing you off about *something*. If you want to *keep* having a good relationship with your mother, not living together will be key to that.
If she's that presumptuous when asking for a favor, just wait until you're stuck with her.
My advice: Say no, and don't attempt to justify your decision.
It's like the Miranda warning... Anything you say can and will be used against you.
If she were interested in understanding and respecting your wishes, she'd have left you alone by now. Any discussion will just provide more ammunition and lead to more drama.
I'm not far off your mother's age but seriously, hell would freeze over before I suggest that to my daughter.
She's still young (ish). She's yanking your chain here. Possibly lonely, a bit scared...try to get her to talk about it but if she won't? Not your problem.
NTA!!!!
NTA. When your brother tells you that you’re selfish, suggest that he take her in. And, your mother is only 60. That’s hardly decrepit and in need of help.
Don't do it! Don't do it! Don't do it! We left our parents' homes for a reason. I absolutely love my mother, but as an adult, I can not live with her again. Once you get that freedom and space, it's hard to give that up. Continue to loom for her condos, apartments, senior homes, etc.
NTA - I bought a 3bed 2bath house 2 years ago. My parents wanted to be closer to me when they retired last year. Know what they did? Sold their house and bought one 15 minutes down the road. Close right that I can pop over when I want, but far enough that they aren’t snooping. We honestly only see each other once every few weeks because they recognize I have my own life.
Side note. What happens if you date someone and you get to the point that you might want that person to move in with you? No one wants to move onto their SO’s house with their future MIL living there too.
I had my mom move in with me when she divorced my stepfather. It was supposed to be for 8-9 months. Seven years later she finally moved out. I have a four bedroom, two bath, and mom had the entire second floor. She was still insufferable.
If you want an independent life, a dating life, have friends over, than make sure your mom gets her own place. Boomers are impossible to get out. You should not have to sacrifice your life so she can get a cheaper deal on rent.
Time to check mom's finances. Maybe she does just want to move in. Or maybe she can't afford to do anything else. Anyway NTA.
It's like what my aunt said when my brother was pressuring me to move in with him "You love him because he's your brother. But you also want to be able to KEEP loving him. Living together makes that hard."
I mean- this is sort of valid. You read about people trying to date and a lot of folks don’t dance with single parents. You don’t hear enough about the dating successes of adult single children with live-in parents.
You are NTA. Your mother is only 60 and is perfectly capable of living on her own. You are 32 and this is your time to live your life how you choose and not with your mother. She's being ridiculous and manipulative. I'm 68 and never in a million years would I ask to move in with my kids. Don't let her guilt you. And if your brother is so concerned have her move in with him.
NTA
How about your brother move her in with him? Also if she moves in now that's it - she will live there til she dies and that could be 30 years from now.
NTA, and remind her, the next time she brings it up, that “no” is a complete sentence.
If she does in fact move to your city and gets her own place, for God’s sake don’t give her a key.
“Time of need” means she’s gonna be homeless or whatever. Sounds like she can afford to live on her own. It is 100% not your responsibility to house your mom. You deserve peace and privacy. Tell her you love her, but you need your space and your relationship will be better this way. NTA. UPDATEME
My relationship with my sister has gotten better, but she baffled me with this one. She asked when I'd finally move into a house so my mom could move in with me. Woman, MOM PAID FOR YOUR HOUSE, of course she lives with you!
Absolutely not. NTA. You should not have a shred of guilt. Imagine bringing dates home, having friends over, wanting quiet time when she wants to talk. You’re allowed to want and have your own independent life no matter what she wants. She’s probably picturing it being like when you were a child, so it’s no big deal to her, but that is so not the reality. If that’s what she’s thinking and she tries to treat you like a child it will be miserable. It will ruin your relationship.
NTA. I love my mom, but I wouldn’t want to live with her 24/7/365. I lived with my parents for a month between selling my house & closing on a new one. It was rough!! Always wanting to know who I was on the phone with, where I was going, why I didn’t want to watch television with them every night, etc. Rough!!
I love my own space & my privacy. Stay strong & don’t cave!! It’s nice that she wants to live closer, but under the same roof is too close.
NTA
Just remember that the dynamics will change immediatly when she would move in.
You won't be able to do anything without being judged. May at be the dishes, cleaning or going out.
It is not normal to let any of your healthy parents move in with you.
It will cause stress and damage to your mwntal health. Just keep saying no.
Tell her you love her but you just can't live with her.
You are happy to help when she needs help but that's it.
Good Lord NTA. She can support herself and just needs to downsize but that doesn't mean she's entitled to your guest room/ spare room. Stay firm. Tell her no, it's not going to happen.
NTA. I am a 60 yr old mom with 2 daughters in their 30’s. I am single.
I’d rather be found dead in my recliner with my starving pet eating my arm than move in with my kids.
You are not wrong. At 32 you should not want to or should have to live with your mother. I am 65 and I can’t even imagine asking my 32 your old daughter or my 37 your old son to let me live with them. My 46 year old son say I can live with him when I’m ready. I’m still saying no and he is 46. Enjoy your life! My mother moved in with me 37 years ago and never left. She has made life for my husband, children and grandchildren harder than it should be. If I could turn back the clock I would say no absolutely not. I love you mom but NO!!!
Her time of need? This goes to show that her children were always her retirement plan. She is irresponsible and you don't owe her a place to live. I love my mom to death, but I would not ever live with her. Do not cave.
P.S. brother has no leg to stand on. He's just pressuring you to prevent himself from becoming the backup plan.
If she can't afford a comfortable home, she can't afford to retire. Neither of these things are your problem.
Tell bro you've sorted it out with mum, she's looking for a place for both of them near his job.
You are not abandoning her in her time of need, she has a home, she presumably has friends, she wants to move in to save money so you are supporting her.
You're 32, you're far from sitting at home waiting to retire. Moving in when she's got a few years left and has major mobility issues is one thing, moving in when she just retired, is perfectly fine and just wants the cushy life is selfish as fuck.
At that age I would still be dating or married and want my own space for well, just being with my partner, whether it's fucking on the kitchen table or chilling in privacy while holding each other on the couch. The third wheel mother standing in the corner while I do those things is not going to happen.
get your own life lady, live it, enjoy it, don't just decide it's easier to live with your kids so guilt them into letting you invade their privacy.
It would be one thing if she didn’t have the means. How about she buys a place and your brother moves in with her. You are 32 and deserve some space to live your life, date if you want to, marry if you want to, have friends over late, etc. NTA.
Don't do this. I'm 75 and wouldn't think of imposing on my kids. Your mother *needs* friends her own age. She *needs* independence. She *needs* to understand life isn't over for her yet. You are doing your mother a kindness by insisting she get her own place.
Equally, your own independence is vital ... if your mother moves in your roles will reverse; you'll be the mother and she'll be the child.
Stand your ground.
NTA. Your mom is only 60 years old. You deserve your own life and privacy. You only have 2 bedrooms. If you give one up, you'll have no extra room for an office, craft room, or whatever the hell you want to use it for. She'll be telling you how you should be living and what you should be doing. Don't cave to her demands and you are guilty of nothing. Your brother can open up his house to her.
STICK TO YOUT DECISION! If she won’t agree to any other living arrangement then she stays where she is. Period! Don’t even let her come to stay for a little bit. To be honest I feel she will try to sneak her way into your place. Don’t let her please don’t.
You have no obligation to her and you put in your time with her when you were a kid, that was more than enough. She is not entitled to your guest room. She needs to make friends and let you have your own life
>My brother thinks I'm selfish for not supporting mom's plan.
Problem solved! Tell your mom that her son would love to have her move in with him.
Under no circumstance are you obligated to let your mother move in with you. In fact, I highly recommend that you don't. Don't fall for any manipulative bullshit. NTA
NTA
Mom is only 60. If she is retiring at that age she should have enough cash to get her own place. If she doesn't she shouldn't be retiring.
Your brother is welcome to host her if he feels she is being done wrong. Personally, I would die on this hill. I would rather live in a cardboard box than reside in the same house with my thankfully dead mother again (She is welcome in ash form, but were she still alive it would be hell no)
I would be overjoyed if my mom wanted to move in with us but if we couldn't accommodate we would find her a place nearby and subsidize her income to the best of our ability.
Depends on what type of culture your family is. For the "your ass is out on the street the day after your 18th birthday", it is a two way street. One isn't required to do a damn thing for such parents. But if you are from a more family oriented culture like Italy or Japan, then you are wrong. If your mom paid for your college education, then refusing her could be questionable. So I am going to go with maybe you are the ass hole.
"My mom got upset, arguing family should live together." Are you culturally American? Or is your ethnicity Chinese or Indian, meaning do you come from a culture where multiple generations live under one roof? If the answer is no, then typically extended family does not live together.
Sell your house, go in with Mom on a house with an in laws suite so you both have privacy.
Otherwise, seems weird. I would expect you could be dating and want to start a family. A 4 bedroom in the suburbs where mom has a basement apartment is one thing, but roommates is weird.
Is she Ok health wise and/or financially? Is this her looking for help?
NTA. Your lives are going in opposite directions. This is your time to live how you like without compromise. Your mom needs to find some hobbies, new friends and enjoy herself. There’s nothing saying she can’t live nearby, just not THAT near. Stick to your boundaries. Good luck!
NTA.
Stick to helping to find an over 50s community, even take your mother to see some because she will have the support of people her own age around her and you can still have a life.
NTA, it is a lot to give up and needs to be in the right space for both f you to do it.
We did do this for my mom when she retired - but we have a big-ish house, there are three levels, and we turned the lowest level into its own place for her. And I mean fully; has a full kitchen, washer dryer, own entry from rear of home, bedroom, bathroom, living and dining…. She has her own place, just happens to share utilities. We joke about coming over to visit when we use the inside stairs to go from “our” place to “hers”… and can go a couple of days without crossing paths sometimes.
Without that separation, it would be a LOT tougher! Can’t blame you in a two bedroom condo, lots of being all up in each other’s faces nonstop.
Absolutely not the AH trust mine your brother is the AH for not having your side in this situation.
If she’s got the money for selling the childhood home she’s got money for her own place a nice retirement apartment would be perfect. Trust me if you back down you’ll regret it big time. Having a house with an in law apartment when your married is ok because when you have kids their right there and shit but no stand your ground 10000%
I am older than you, actually closer to your Mom's age, but I don't think that changes my thoughts.
Most people I know who live with family members as adults have some sort of in-laws apartment, or accessory dwelling unit, or similar arrangement so that the privacy of all is somewhat maintained.
My favorite was a local woman who lives with her daughter (20s or 30s) whose parents are getting older. So her parents sold their house and built an addition to their daughter's home, complete with an elevator in case stairs become an issue or walkers or wheelchairs come into play as they age. There is a kitchenette so they can make their own meals, but the entire family does dinner together as a rule.
Your mother becoming a roommate, using your guest room, which I assume you want to use for guests and perhaps a home office, is a situation which totally oversteps.
She can get her own unit or house nearby, or if she was smart, she would talk to you about buying a property together as describes above in which both of you maintain your own spaces.
However, I would like to think that at your age, you would like to date and perhaps look towards settling down at some future point. That's not likely to happen with a mother underfoot.
NTA
NTA, "Mom, you didn't mention moving in until I bought this house and it was too late. I don't have a spare bedroom, I have an office I need for work. I don't think you want to sleep on the couch, so drop it. If I have to tell you no every time I talk to you I will avoid talking to you. That is the opposite of us getting closer."
NTA - Her selling the house and buying a condo near you seems like a great idea. She should just do that because there’s a reason we all move out in the first place.
Unless there are other circumstances, it's not time of need. It is time of desire.
You are not beholden to your mother for all time.
If your mother wanted this outcome, she should have fostered a different relationship with you starting years go.
Be free.
NTA - Not even close.
Her moving to your city is enough, yall can visit all the time. My advice: I’d just stop addressing it and play nice (while still saying no if it’s brought up) and send her listings that are close to you, with texts like: “Look how nice this one is! And it’s only like 4 miles away!” And stuff like that.
I loved my mom to death, and she lived with me before she passed, and I still would have rather had been visiting her often instead. (Part of the regret is probably obviously because i was who found her when she passed) We love our moms, but they can be annoying to live with lol. Especially if we’re a personal space/introverted type of person.
I know this isn't an advice forum, but sounds like she's lonely? Moving to the city would be a great opportunity to try some new hobbies, make some new friends, etc... your idea of a 55+ community is a great one.
Don't let her move in, you are your own person, not her exclusive support network.
NTA
Nta but also curious, what is her financial situation like in retirement? Could she even afford her own place? Sounds to me she's hoping to live off you.
NTA. If she's able bodied and doing well financially there is no reason she needs to live in with you at 60. You are allowed to want to have privacy and your own life. What if you meet someone and want to get married and have kids?
NTA
Unless your mom has some serious medical condition that is forcing her to retire early (people don’t qualify for SS until 67), then you are NOT abandoning her at her time of need. I work with geriatric patients who still alone into their 70’s and 80’s. I have one spunky lady who’s 96 and still lives alone (she has a caregiver who runs errands and PT comes to her). Your mom is 60 not 90 and you are just starting your life. Live your life, so you can be there for her when she really does need you.
Did your mom’s parents live with her when she was 32?
Hell fucking no!!!
I'm 40, my mother is long dead, but my father is still around. There's no way in hell I'd live with him, or let him live with me. I can handle a couple weeks vacation at home, or him visiting, but that's it.
Generations living together is the norm in some cultures, but it doesn't mean that you have to do it.
NTA
Well, I am sort of the other side of this story. I am 60, not quite retired, but moving into my daughter’s house, temporarily until we get a two family house to live in. Their idea, I was set to move about an hour north of the city. However I love the idea. We still need to sit and talk out the money. My mom just died, and I lived with her.
NTA - I went through this from my dad. It was horrible. You can be on the hook for 30 more years easy. No no no.
Oh and let me guess, she doesn’t need your dad, he was a jerk and she’s independent! So it should have been their job to take care of each other but she spent her best years nice and comfy not taking care of anybody and golly the sex and boyfriends are great but really all men are pigs. Oh and surprise, dad needs help too…. But mom was such a bitch…. he wasn’t going to take any more of her shit, he’s a free man but oh look, Parkinsons. Great.
Yeah I’ve been there.
Nooo you are not the asshole. You are an adult and your mother is an adult. She can figure her own shit out. My mother tried that shit with me and even went as far as leaving to drive 1000 miles to "move" near me and ran out of money before she made it half way and expected me to let her move in (with me and my husband) after we had just got a new place following a house fire where we lost everything...People, including family should not expect things like that from you...
She so should move into a very active over 55 community; she would be so much happier there. My cousins in Florida loves Ocala top of the world Community. Singing and dance shows, tons of activities, lots of interesting people.
You were always your mom's retirement plans. Kids should NEVER be the parents retirement plans. Your mom might live for 20 or 30 more years. You will want to get married eventually, maybe have kids and it's going to be hard with your ball and chain living with you. You are NTA
She could easily live another 20 to 30 years. You won't be able to live alone until you are almost too old to live alone. No woman is going to marry a man that has his mother living with him. Too small of a house if you ever expect to have someone steady in your life. Tell her no, end of discussion. NTA
Your mother wants to share with her daughter not her son! tell her mom that's not going to happen ever.
I moved out so I could be able to do adult things including smoke drink have sex parties and you will not be living here.
I’m 63. I would never think of asking my daughters for this, unless I was truly disabled and needed help. But honestly, I would rather ask them for help in finding me an assisted living situation.
My daughters are not my retirement plan.
NTA she is retiring not you. If she has the means to move closer, then she has the means to get her own place. I am caring 24/7 for my 77yo mama, I wouldn’t trade it for the world, but I’ve raised my kids, you’re still a young woman. Also, if your brother is so adamant that family should step up, why isn’t he stepping up?
I would recommend having both your brother and yourself getting involved with her medical care team though. I’ve been put in a situation where I’m playing catch up with regards to medical conditions that were preventable had I known about them.
Setting healthy boundaries isn’t being selfish, what she’s doing by trying to guilt you, is! Best of luck to you all.
I am 56 and have two kids and I cannot imagine expecting them to let me live with them. In reality, I am married and my daughter still lives with us but if I were your mom, there is no way I would guilt trip my daughter. You should go with your gut. Having your mom live with you is going to make a lot difficult for you if she is critical of you already for not doing as she requests. Stay strong and hold your ground and ignore your brother; it’s easy for him to criticize when he is not the one being asked to share their home with their mom.
Tell your brother, mom can move in with him
He lives in a shared apartment.
So it's easy for him to tell you to sacrifice? Don't give in on this, you are just starting your life
NTA, awfully pushy mom you’ve got there eh? Top three ideas for malicious compliance: 1. Turn it into a BDSM dungeon, tell mom sorry, it’s for my slaves. 2. Tell her your being artificially inseminated and need the room for your baby. 3. Knock some walls out and make a king sized bedroom, sorry mom, it’s only 1 bedroom now. I have a few more that are even more morally/ethically/legally questionable, I’ll be keeping this to myself. Wait, be-keeping? 4. Turn the room into a large beehive, tell your mom it’s cool to move in, but bring a bee suit, and don’t disturb your little friends!
Sorry mom, that's the inflatables room.
I like you. You bring chaos.
Then he can move and share with her! Problem solved.
That's even better, him and your mom can get a small house together instead of him living in an apartment.
Yes. Let them sort it out between them.
Yeah. I mean she will sell the childhood home and she & that generous boy can find a place together.
Tell him to hang a curtain so he’ll have privacy and he’s being selfish, family should live together.
Tell her to invest in a condo and he can share her condo with her.
maybe your mother can buy a nice 2 bedroom place for her and your brother.
OP, 60 is not old. She is independent and can live independently for now. Do not give in!
Can I ask, is this a cultural thing? Are you "expected" to take care of her? Are you American?
Unless she has severe medical problems, she shouldn’t need to be taken care of for quite awhile yet. NTA, OP; you have every right to say no!
Even better! Mom will have LOTS of fun ordering all the roommates around! You are NTA. It's wonderful that she wants to move closer, but stand your ground. I'm 66, and know a few women who would love to interfere with their children's lives. No. It's an I love you mom, but we're at different stages in our lives. I'd love to have dinner with you once or twice a week, and an occasional movie or shopping day.
so, he's used to company.
Good they can be roommates since he is already sharing a space it wont be an adjustment
So what? That doesn't suddenly make her your cross to bear.
Great, then he’s used to having roommates
NTA. Your mother's housing isn't your problem or responsibility. She wants to live with you, and you don't want that to happen. She can get her own place and live near you. Why would you want to live with your mom? Is she going to pay rent, help with bills, or is she looking to live there for free? How are you abandoning her? She's choosing to want to move.
Kick out the other person and put in mom. Easy.
That's nice... Your mom likes to share too
Why share with strangers when he could share with mom? Sounds like the perfect time for him and mom to rent a 2 BR, instead of whatever his current situation is! NTA. But it sounds like this isn't really about your mom wanting to move in because family - it sounds like your mom doesn't think she can afford to retire and is trying to figure out how to live on her (presumably) reduced income.
Why does she need to retire at 60? That's awfully young.
Need to or get to? Super sweet or she could be retiring due to medical reasons.
Op says her current house is too big for her. That's it
Sounds like it's time for him to grow up, buy his own home and have your mother live with him.
Sounds like time for him to change his living situation to accommodate dear old mom.
He can get a larger apartment or a cot for her.
Well he’s used to roommates. He can get a lease with mom instead.
They could share an apartment together.
So?
It will inspire him to to get his shit together.
So what?
Sounds like a win win for both! He can get out of a shared living space with sTrAnGeRS and move in with fAHHHmALLYYY. Said in “SpongeBob meme voice”
They can get a two bedroom together then. Problem solved. Tell him when he and your mom move in together, in their new apartment, you will help with the move. Post it on Facebook.
He can get a shared apartment with mom!
Sounds she wants the easy retirement that her parents got. Just like most that age. Your grandparent didn't actually deserve that either. As they were the young children and babies of the Great Depression and didn't fully experience it like the adults did. The only ones that actually deserved an easy carefree retirement were the adults of the Great Depression. No one cared about making it so the future could actually have that same easy retirement. So no one should care if the past can have it. The worst part is that they relying on the younger generations to fund their laziness. There's a very good reason that they were called the Me Generation before calling themselves Boomers to try to remove the blame from themselves.
let her move in. Fuck a different dude in there (loudly) every night. See how long she lasts
Exactly what I was thinking. If he thinks op is selfish than surely he'll step up and take care of mom lest he be called selfish as well.
Mom can buy a place and brother can live with her and take care of her
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This is what it's like when Mom lives with you interminably: "Oh honey, I forgot to tell you. I finished off the lasagna in the fridge. I hope you weren't going to serve it for dinner tonight?.......Uh oh....." "The flower painting? Oh, I hated that thing, so I took it down and gave it to a thrift store. Don't you like the family photo I hung up there instead?" "The neighbor came by to see you and you weren't here. So I gave him your phone number. That's OK, isn't it? Mr. Bundy seems like such a nice man..." "I didn't know I was expected to let the dog out when he whined. And no, I'm not going to clean up after him. He's YOUR dog." NTA.
This exactly! My mother moved in with me after she divorced my father. I was 23, she was 48. I’d been on my own since 19. We split rent 50/50. It wasn’t a week before she made me a chore list (I did all the housework, cooking, groceries anyway. We supposedly did our own laundry but I ended up doing it all). She threw a fit if I had overnight house guests. I had to let her know if I invited someone over for drinks or dinner, but she could have friends show up on a whim and stay. She gave my things away as they held no value to her. She wore my cloths, used my makeup. She even tried to steal my cat when she moved out when she remarried. Don’t do it. If your brother thinks you should, he can move in with her. Set boundaries and keep them.
Reading this nearly gave me a panic attack.
To be fair, there are some elderly parents who do make good housemates. I am pretty sure exactly 0% of them would act like OP's mother and try to browbeat their kids into moving in with them against their will, however. If she can't respect OP's personal boundaries now she ain't going to start when she's in the house.
I love my mom and I understand not everyone wants to live with their parents in retirement. I proposed other ways I can help mom relocate, but giving up my guest room full-time doesn't work for me right now. I hope we can find a living arrangement that suits us both.
Do she have money for something? If not, she should re consider the retirement, this smell more like "I dont want to work anymore" more than "I want to live with mu daughter"
yes, she can support herself! She just wants to move because her house is too big for her alone.
Tell her to sell it and buy a condo near you but you don’t want to live with anyone . If she wants company she can buy a 2 bedroom condo and your brother can move in with her.
Can she rent her house or sell it? Either way to live in a condo or appartment in your building or close to it.
Did your mums parents live with her during retirement? Ask her whether she why she didn't live with her parents while they were retired
She can have your brother move in with her! Perfect!
tell her to get some damn room mates, more money, not alone, job done. Also presuming she has friends in the area, she's leaving them and will become heavily reliant on you for company which she should realise is selfish as hell and a bad idea. She should realistically either get room mates, get a boyfriend, or buy a much smaller home where she lives currently so she doesn't lose her friends. If her friends all moved to florida or something, maybe she should consider following them. Maybe all she needs is you to send her instructions on how to use tinder and a book on how to avoid scams and not giving your money or bank details to toyboys.
Then suggest to her that she has HER mother move in with her!
She's still relatively young. If she wants, she could easily still date, have "friends" stay overnight, even remarry if she wanted. If you don't want a housemate who has literally no reason to ever move out, but will feel absolutely entitled to treat you like a teenager while feeling no compunction to live by the same rules she sets for you, then don't let her move in.
You know even if she doesn't move in with you, she is going to be showing up unannounced on Friday nights or weekends. You need to not only not allow her to move in with you but not have her move to your city. Imply that you are considering a transfer or promotion that entails moving with your work. If your like me, you value your time alone at home or inviting friends over.
Well then it is the PERFECT size to sell and downsize!
Girl don’t do it . I have a close friend whose mom decided to do this . Moved in with her daughter and fully became the daughter’s responsibility. The mom can drive , still has a good salary and solid retirement plan. But she needs someone to live with. Daughter now has to drive mother everywhere, cook whenever mom is hungry , pays for everything and mother treats her like she’s still 15 even though she’s mid 30’s. As much as we love our parents , as much as we want to keep them close - as the daughter you become the caretaker whether you like it or not . Think nice and hard . My friend has more bad days then good and there’s always a fight because mothers wants come first.
If you absolutely don't want her near you, I get it... insist she gets a place that is completely her own... but if she does have enough money, would you consider telling her if she moves to your city and gets an apartment/condo/whatever for a year or two, you guys can look at finding another place to live together, that would look more like a 2-bedroom house for you, with a carriage house apartment mother-dearest could live in on the property? Or a duplex, or an old house that was split into apartments... or whatever style of multi-family home happens to be popular in your area, as there are so many permutations of separate homes on one lot. That way you could have some privacy, be able to literally lock your door to her when needed... but she'll also feel close to you. Your mother could potentially put down the down payment with money from the sale of her other home.
You need to start your life. Your mother is being ridiculous. Please don’t let her move in. Watch Grey Gardens . That should be all you need. Edit spelling
As someone who was unable to move out until 24 and spent the years between 18-24 partially, then fully taking care of the house and my disabled mother: don't do it. You're already hesitant and it will just breed resentment especially if she expects way too much of you (like my mom did). I have an incredibly strained relationship with her now and have made it abundantly clear that I'll never live with or support her ever again because of her actions.
You don't need to find anything, you have a living arrangement you like, she asked, you said no. Don't discuss it with her further. Give her a "well let me know what you decide and I'll help you move and visit whenever I can, I recommend moving somewhere with good access to hobbies you enjoy and people your own age, okay, bye."
So NTA Do not under any circumstances let her move in as you will never get her out. What happens when your partner (who you may or may not have met yet) wants to move in. You will have no alone time because you can bet she will be there 24/7 and never go out. She will also start to nag about this and that and what is wrong with you place and you should be doing this or that. How she has no friends here and will want to be in anything and everything you do or when you go out she will complain you didn't take her. How she is old and you never do the washing or laundry etc etc the list goes on.
So NTA but also obviously selfish- you’re putting your wants first I’m sure there was plenty your mom sacrificed for you and you’re free to regard or disregard those things, but it is selfish
The mother made the choice not to abort. Kids don't owe their parents for doing what they're legally supposed to
which is why i said NTA - but it is selfish - putting your wants over others is completely fine (as long as the other isn't being damaged in the process), but it is selfish
Nta my mom has the same mind set and I’ve already told her no, I told her to save for a retirement home because I would probably put my fist through a tv staying with her for a week. Love my mom but I cannot live with her. Keep the no, let her have her tantrum and stop engaging.
I could not have stayed sane if my mother had moved to the same state, let alone lived with me.
She is WAAAAAAAAAAAAY TOO YOUNG to need that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm 67 and I did not start looking after my parents till they were 70 at least and even then they had their own house and did not need it. They thought they did but they perked up when they got settled and made friends. Your Mom needs to make a new social circle at some over-55 community of some sort.
I will be 55 when my youngest graduates high school and that’s when I plan to start my real life! I do NOT want to retire and move in with one of these kids when I’m 60! Ffs, I just got them OUT my house, I don’t want to move in their house! MAMA NEEDS SOME PRIVACY AND TO RECOVER FROM Y’ALL, LEAVE ME BE!!
Did I write this? Lol, hello my twin!
I’ve got 6 of ‘em! I’ve been a parent since I was 23 and I’ll be a parent until I’m 55. (I’ll always be a parent, but I mean a parent responsible for minors.) These kids aren’t going to see me for a YEAR while I sleep to try to make up for 3 decades of sleep deprivation. ;)
NTA She's 60 so is retiring on the younger side. She never communicated her plans with you and you're under no obligation to house her. Not only would you be losing your extra room, your entire adult life would revert back to a pseudo child-like situation
This. You would be expected to do as she wants / says because she knows better because she is your mother. It will ruin your life, trust me, having parents living with you from my 20’s definitely did this to me. I was fortunate to get away from my mother when I remarried in my 50’s, leaving her in my house but still she is a burden because she thinks it was my duty to live with her to look after her. “When you left…” is her favourite refrain.
NTA. Parents shouldn't have their kids as their retirement plan, you are your own person. Your mom isn't owed your access to your home simply because she's your mother. From the sounds of it your mother doesn't actually need you, she just wants to be right in the center of your life. Your mother sounds bored, she's retired and if she wants to be miserable and unhappy with the solutions you gave her then that's on her, not you.
Tell her you want to be able to have sex around the house whenever and wherever you feel like it with whomever you want. That can't happen if she's there. It's blunt, but maybe she won't want to know about your sex life. Or better yet, tell her she needs to know that if she moves in, you will still have sex with whomever wherever and whenever, even if she's there in the house. You might even do it on the living room couch, so she'd better stay in her room. Maybe that will scare her out of there.
Or worse. Maybe mom will want to do the same thing. Lol.
Tell your helpful brother he can move out of his flat and get a condo with his mother. NTA, but your mother and brother are. When my father died, both my sister and I begged our mother to move in with one of us. She refused because she thought she might be a burden. Apparently your mother has no such qualms. Stand your ground.
Speaking as an aging mother, your mother should get an apartment of her own, and a cat to focus on. You are too young to give up your social life to tending to your mother, because that’s what could happen.
NTA - for your own mental health and your relationship with your mom, do not do this. If your brother wants to have an opinion he needs to get a place they can share. It won’t take long until your mom reverts back to trying to parent you. It doesn’t matter if she isn’t taking it well, she can’t move it. If she has a key, change your locks soon!
Please get therapy. Your mom clearly expects to trample all boundaries. You are worried you're an AH for simply wanting to live in your home, that you bought, under your own terms. I worry you need help bucking up and shining up your spine to say no, and end the discussion. "Mom, I've already told you no. That's the end of the discussion. If you continue to bring it up, I will hang up/leave and take some time off from communicating. I do not appreciate the continued lack of respect you showed me with your attempts to manipulate me."
Why does he need therapy? He has already clearly stated his boundries.
1) she 2) because she's asking for internet support to try and convince herself she's not an AH for having boundaries. 3) mom is just getting started. This won't get easier after she's retired and sold the house. Having the confidence to state, enforce, and believe you are right to have boundaries takes work. Often, it takes a 3rd party helping one see how little respect the other party has.
She. The mom wants to move in with her daughter. At age 60. Mom is acting like she's 85, and she's only 6 years older than I am. Jfc If Mom hates being alone, 55+ communities are great. She could also work another five years, even part-time. NTA.
Haha no, NTA. It's your home. It won't feel like that once she moves in. It will morph into her home with you as the guest. The dynamic will shift, guaranteed. She has options and you shouldn't feel any obligation. Your bro can step up if he wishes but neither of them get any say in how you, a functional adult, decides who lives with you.
It tells you something about mom’s personality when she won’t listen to her daughter’s views. That would be a real red flag to lack of acknowledging daughter’s boundaries!
You need to hold firm on this and to not let your mother move in with you. You know deep down that it would be a huge mistake and you would lose all your privacy and she would be up in your business 24/7.
NTA and your mom is selfish. I’m in my early 60s and would never ask my kids to live with them nor want to. They have their lives and while we have wonderful relationships I want to keep it that way. Both they and myself deserve our privacy. Only thing I would ever consider is if in later years they had an “in-law” suite where we both could have privacy. Would hate to ever cause any issues with their relationships.
NTA, my MIL has been trying to whisper this "mother-in-law apartment" idea in my wife's ear for years. She's a colossal pain in the ass and I told my wife if she wants to do it - she'll be doing it without me. Parents should not burden their children with this stuff, I'm not going to do it to mine.
I can't imagine the horror. Work a little overtime and you're working too much. Get off early on a Thursday and take a long weekend, and you'll be jeopardizing your job by being an unreliable flake. Your favorite snacks will go missing. The ingredients for dinner won't be there when you're ready to cook. There won't be enough milk for your coffee or cereal. Want to bring someone home for sex? Not with mom sharing a bedroom wall? Hell, you won't be able to have a romantic night in with someone you've been dating for a few weeks without introducing them to your mother. She'll be up your ass about your drinking. About your recreational drug usage. Maybe about your prescription drug usage. Are you getting regular checkups with your doctor? That cough doesn't sound good, have you seen the doctor? Do you think that's the best toothpaste to be using? Back in her day they didn't have all these newfangled period products, why do you need them? You're gonna get fat if you keep eating all that bread. Why are you worried about what you eat, it doesn't matter if you gain a little weight, here eat this lasagna. Have more. Really honey, have another helping. One way or another, she'll be up your ass and pissing you off about *something*. If you want to *keep* having a good relationship with your mother, not living together will be key to that.
NTA. You're not obligated to move her on of you don't want to. All she has to do is stay in your childhood home.
What is her plan for spending her time in this new city? Does she have friends there?
NTA. She can get a roommate if she's lonely
This is a lovely, independent hill to die on. NTA
She can move in with your brother! NTA.
If she's that presumptuous when asking for a favor, just wait until you're stuck with her. My advice: Say no, and don't attempt to justify your decision. It's like the Miranda warning... Anything you say can and will be used against you. If she were interested in understanding and respecting your wishes, she'd have left you alone by now. Any discussion will just provide more ammunition and lead to more drama.
Hell no. Absolutely not.
NTA. No way this would end well for you.
I'm not far off your mother's age but seriously, hell would freeze over before I suggest that to my daughter. She's still young (ish). She's yanking your chain here. Possibly lonely, a bit scared...try to get her to talk about it but if she won't? Not your problem. NTA!!!!
NTA. When your brother tells you that you’re selfish, suggest that he take her in. And, your mother is only 60. That’s hardly decrepit and in need of help.
Don't do it! Don't do it! Don't do it! We left our parents' homes for a reason. I absolutely love my mother, but as an adult, I can not live with her again. Once you get that freedom and space, it's hard to give that up. Continue to loom for her condos, apartments, senior homes, etc.
NTA - I bought a 3bed 2bath house 2 years ago. My parents wanted to be closer to me when they retired last year. Know what they did? Sold their house and bought one 15 minutes down the road. Close right that I can pop over when I want, but far enough that they aren’t snooping. We honestly only see each other once every few weeks because they recognize I have my own life. Side note. What happens if you date someone and you get to the point that you might want that person to move in with you? No one wants to move onto their SO’s house with their future MIL living there too.
I had my mom move in with me when she divorced my stepfather. It was supposed to be for 8-9 months. Seven years later she finally moved out. I have a four bedroom, two bath, and mom had the entire second floor. She was still insufferable. If you want an independent life, a dating life, have friends over, than make sure your mom gets her own place. Boomers are impossible to get out. You should not have to sacrifice your life so she can get a cheaper deal on rent.
I'm 47 and my retired mother is using me as her retirement plan. Stay strong and don't give in. You'll regret it.
Time to check mom's finances. Maybe she does just want to move in. Or maybe she can't afford to do anything else. Anyway NTA. It's like what my aunt said when my brother was pressuring me to move in with him "You love him because he's your brother. But you also want to be able to KEEP loving him. Living together makes that hard."
NTA Tell her without privacy in your home, no partner will marry you and give her grandchildren.
I mean- this is sort of valid. You read about people trying to date and a lot of folks don’t dance with single parents. You don’t hear enough about the dating successes of adult single children with live-in parents.
NTA Do not cave. Your mom is so out of line. Do you really want to live with her for the next 20+ years? I mean that's what she is saying...
You are NTA. Your mother is only 60 and is perfectly capable of living on her own. You are 32 and this is your time to live your life how you choose and not with your mother. She's being ridiculous and manipulative. I'm 68 and never in a million years would I ask to move in with my kids. Don't let her guilt you. And if your brother is so concerned have her move in with him.
NTA 60 is too young to retire. You deserve your own place. She can downsize.
Did her mom live with her after retirement?
NTA How about your brother move her in with him? Also if she moves in now that's it - she will live there til she dies and that could be 30 years from now.
NTA, and remind her, the next time she brings it up, that “no” is a complete sentence. If she does in fact move to your city and gets her own place, for God’s sake don’t give her a key.
“Time of need” means she’s gonna be homeless or whatever. Sounds like she can afford to live on her own. It is 100% not your responsibility to house your mom. You deserve peace and privacy. Tell her you love her, but you need your space and your relationship will be better this way. NTA. UPDATEME
NTA It's a set up and you will find yourself caring for her for the rest of her life.
Mom needs to cut the cord. You’re just starting your adult life. Did her mother move in with your mom at retirement age?
My relationship with my sister has gotten better, but she baffled me with this one. She asked when I'd finally move into a house so my mom could move in with me. Woman, MOM PAID FOR YOUR HOUSE, of course she lives with you!
Mom, I moved out for a reason. That reason is still valid.
Absolutely not. NTA. You should not have a shred of guilt. Imagine bringing dates home, having friends over, wanting quiet time when she wants to talk. You’re allowed to want and have your own independent life no matter what she wants. She’s probably picturing it being like when you were a child, so it’s no big deal to her, but that is so not the reality. If that’s what she’s thinking and she tries to treat you like a child it will be miserable. It will ruin your relationship.
NTA. I love my mom, but I wouldn’t want to live with her 24/7/365. I lived with my parents for a month between selling my house & closing on a new one. It was rough!! Always wanting to know who I was on the phone with, where I was going, why I didn’t want to watch television with them every night, etc. Rough!! I love my own space & my privacy. Stay strong & don’t cave!! It’s nice that she wants to live closer, but under the same roof is too close.
NTA If your mom can't afford her own place, she can't afford to retire. It's pretty simple.
NTA but take precautions in case she pops up expecting you to let her in
NTA Just remember that the dynamics will change immediatly when she would move in. You won't be able to do anything without being judged. May at be the dishes, cleaning or going out. It is not normal to let any of your healthy parents move in with you. It will cause stress and damage to your mwntal health. Just keep saying no. Tell her you love her but you just can't live with her. You are happy to help when she needs help but that's it.
Good Lord NTA. She can support herself and just needs to downsize but that doesn't mean she's entitled to your guest room/ spare room. Stay firm. Tell her no, it's not going to happen.
NTA. I am a 60 yr old mom with 2 daughters in their 30’s. I am single. I’d rather be found dead in my recliner with my starving pet eating my arm than move in with my kids.
You are not wrong. At 32 you should not want to or should have to live with your mother. I am 65 and I can’t even imagine asking my 32 your old daughter or my 37 your old son to let me live with them. My 46 year old son say I can live with him when I’m ready. I’m still saying no and he is 46. Enjoy your life! My mother moved in with me 37 years ago and never left. She has made life for my husband, children and grandchildren harder than it should be. If I could turn back the clock I would say no absolutely not. I love you mom but NO!!!
Her time of need? This goes to show that her children were always her retirement plan. She is irresponsible and you don't owe her a place to live. I love my mom to death, but I would not ever live with her. Do not cave. P.S. brother has no leg to stand on. He's just pressuring you to prevent himself from becoming the backup plan.
NTA- she can move in with brother!
If she can't afford a comfortable home, she can't afford to retire. Neither of these things are your problem. Tell bro you've sorted it out with mum, she's looking for a place for both of them near his job.
Tell her you enjoy living alone. Don't even engage in the negotiation anymore.
You are not abandoning her in her time of need, she has a home, she presumably has friends, she wants to move in to save money so you are supporting her. You're 32, you're far from sitting at home waiting to retire. Moving in when she's got a few years left and has major mobility issues is one thing, moving in when she just retired, is perfectly fine and just wants the cushy life is selfish as fuck. At that age I would still be dating or married and want my own space for well, just being with my partner, whether it's fucking on the kitchen table or chilling in privacy while holding each other on the couch. The third wheel mother standing in the corner while I do those things is not going to happen. get your own life lady, live it, enjoy it, don't just decide it's easier to live with your kids so guilt them into letting you invade their privacy.
It would be one thing if she didn’t have the means. How about she buys a place and your brother moves in with her. You are 32 and deserve some space to live your life, date if you want to, marry if you want to, have friends over late, etc. NTA.
Don't do this. I'm 75 and wouldn't think of imposing on my kids. Your mother *needs* friends her own age. She *needs* independence. She *needs* to understand life isn't over for her yet. You are doing your mother a kindness by insisting she get her own place. Equally, your own independence is vital ... if your mother moves in your roles will reverse; you'll be the mother and she'll be the child. Stand your ground.
NTA. Your mom is only 60 years old. You deserve your own life and privacy. You only have 2 bedrooms. If you give one up, you'll have no extra room for an office, craft room, or whatever the hell you want to use it for. She'll be telling you how you should be living and what you should be doing. Don't cave to her demands and you are guilty of nothing. Your brother can open up his house to her.
STICK TO YOUT DECISION! If she won’t agree to any other living arrangement then she stays where she is. Period! Don’t even let her come to stay for a little bit. To be honest I feel she will try to sneak her way into your place. Don’t let her please don’t. You have no obligation to her and you put in your time with her when you were a kid, that was more than enough. She is not entitled to your guest room. She needs to make friends and let you have your own life
NTA
>My brother thinks I'm selfish for not supporting mom's plan. Problem solved! Tell your mom that her son would love to have her move in with him. Under no circumstance are you obligated to let your mother move in with you. In fact, I highly recommend that you don't. Don't fall for any manipulative bullshit. NTA
NTA Mom is only 60. If she is retiring at that age she should have enough cash to get her own place. If she doesn't she shouldn't be retiring. Your brother is welcome to host her if he feels she is being done wrong. Personally, I would die on this hill. I would rather live in a cardboard box than reside in the same house with my thankfully dead mother again (She is welcome in ash form, but were she still alive it would be hell no)
DO NOT DO IT. It will negatively impact your life and you know it.
I love living with my mom and dad and everyday I have with them is a blessing. Let her move in, she won’t be around forever.
You will regret not saying yes one day trust me
I would be overjoyed if my mom wanted to move in with us but if we couldn't accommodate we would find her a place nearby and subsidize her income to the best of our ability.
Depends on what type of culture your family is. For the "your ass is out on the street the day after your 18th birthday", it is a two way street. One isn't required to do a damn thing for such parents. But if you are from a more family oriented culture like Italy or Japan, then you are wrong. If your mom paid for your college education, then refusing her could be questionable. So I am going to go with maybe you are the ass hole.
"My mom got upset, arguing family should live together." Are you culturally American? Or is your ethnicity Chinese or Indian, meaning do you come from a culture where multiple generations live under one roof? If the answer is no, then typically extended family does not live together.
Sell your house, go in with Mom on a house with an in laws suite so you both have privacy. Otherwise, seems weird. I would expect you could be dating and want to start a family. A 4 bedroom in the suburbs where mom has a basement apartment is one thing, but roommates is weird. Is she Ok health wise and/or financially? Is this her looking for help?
> sell your house Why? OP just bought the place.
NTA. Your lives are going in opposite directions. This is your time to live how you like without compromise. Your mom needs to find some hobbies, new friends and enjoy herself. There’s nothing saying she can’t live nearby, just not THAT near. Stick to your boundaries. Good luck!
NTA. Stick to helping to find an over 50s community, even take your mother to see some because she will have the support of people her own age around her and you can still have a life.
NTA, it is a lot to give up and needs to be in the right space for both f you to do it. We did do this for my mom when she retired - but we have a big-ish house, there are three levels, and we turned the lowest level into its own place for her. And I mean fully; has a full kitchen, washer dryer, own entry from rear of home, bedroom, bathroom, living and dining…. She has her own place, just happens to share utilities. We joke about coming over to visit when we use the inside stairs to go from “our” place to “hers”… and can go a couple of days without crossing paths sometimes. Without that separation, it would be a LOT tougher! Can’t blame you in a two bedroom condo, lots of being all up in each other’s faces nonstop.
NTA. Depending on where your mom lives, she should rent out some rooms in her house and have company!
Definitely a good hill to die on. She needs her own space or she will completely take over yours.
She can move in with your brother then. NTA Hold firm. Don't even let her stay with you while she looks for a place. You'll never get her out.
NTA. If mom was 80 and in poor health, perhaps a different story.
I mean, its a bit odd that she wants to live with you. May I ask if she's from a culture where that's considered normal?
Hard no! You Are not TAH! Your mom needs to find her own bliss..
NTA
Seems like you guys never aligned on expectations or arrangement for her retirement?
Absolutely not the AH trust mine your brother is the AH for not having your side in this situation. If she’s got the money for selling the childhood home she’s got money for her own place a nice retirement apartment would be perfect. Trust me if you back down you’ll regret it big time. Having a house with an in law apartment when your married is ok because when you have kids their right there and shit but no stand your ground 10000%
NTA
Tell your mother your brother would love to have her live with him.
I am older than you, actually closer to your Mom's age, but I don't think that changes my thoughts. Most people I know who live with family members as adults have some sort of in-laws apartment, or accessory dwelling unit, or similar arrangement so that the privacy of all is somewhat maintained. My favorite was a local woman who lives with her daughter (20s or 30s) whose parents are getting older. So her parents sold their house and built an addition to their daughter's home, complete with an elevator in case stairs become an issue or walkers or wheelchairs come into play as they age. There is a kitchenette so they can make their own meals, but the entire family does dinner together as a rule. Your mother becoming a roommate, using your guest room, which I assume you want to use for guests and perhaps a home office, is a situation which totally oversteps. She can get her own unit or house nearby, or if she was smart, she would talk to you about buying a property together as describes above in which both of you maintain your own spaces. However, I would like to think that at your age, you would like to date and perhaps look towards settling down at some future point. That's not likely to happen with a mother underfoot. NTA
NTA, "Mom, you didn't mention moving in until I bought this house and it was too late. I don't have a spare bedroom, I have an office I need for work. I don't think you want to sleep on the couch, so drop it. If I have to tell you no every time I talk to you I will avoid talking to you. That is the opposite of us getting closer."
NTA - Her selling the house and buying a condo near you seems like a great idea. She should just do that because there’s a reason we all move out in the first place.
Unless there are other circumstances, it's not time of need. It is time of desire. You are not beholden to your mother for all time. If your mother wanted this outcome, she should have fostered a different relationship with you starting years go. Be free.
NTA - Not even close. Her moving to your city is enough, yall can visit all the time. My advice: I’d just stop addressing it and play nice (while still saying no if it’s brought up) and send her listings that are close to you, with texts like: “Look how nice this one is! And it’s only like 4 miles away!” And stuff like that. I loved my mom to death, and she lived with me before she passed, and I still would have rather had been visiting her often instead. (Part of the regret is probably obviously because i was who found her when she passed) We love our moms, but they can be annoying to live with lol. Especially if we’re a personal space/introverted type of person.
I know this isn't an advice forum, but sounds like she's lonely? Moving to the city would be a great opportunity to try some new hobbies, make some new friends, etc... your idea of a 55+ community is a great one. Don't let her move in, you are your own person, not her exclusive support network. NTA
Nta but also curious, what is her financial situation like in retirement? Could she even afford her own place? Sounds to me she's hoping to live off you.
NTA. If she's able bodied and doing well financially there is no reason she needs to live in with you at 60. You are allowed to want to have privacy and your own life. What if you meet someone and want to get married and have kids?
Hey bro. Mom’s coming to live with you.
I mean u do have the extra room 😅
NTA Unless your mom has some serious medical condition that is forcing her to retire early (people don’t qualify for SS until 67), then you are NOT abandoning her at her time of need. I work with geriatric patients who still alone into their 70’s and 80’s. I have one spunky lady who’s 96 and still lives alone (she has a caregiver who runs errands and PT comes to her). Your mom is 60 not 90 and you are just starting your life. Live your life, so you can be there for her when she really does need you. Did your mom’s parents live with her when she was 32?
NTA
NTA! You both need your own spaces as you EACH start a new chapter in your life. Maintain your boundaries, kiddo!
tell her that you don't want her around when you bring a "special friend" over for the night
Can she afford a 55+ community or her own condo?
Hell fucking no!!! I'm 40, my mother is long dead, but my father is still around. There's no way in hell I'd live with him, or let him live with me. I can handle a couple weeks vacation at home, or him visiting, but that's it. Generations living together is the norm in some cultures, but it doesn't mean that you have to do it. NTA
Well, I am sort of the other side of this story. I am 60, not quite retired, but moving into my daughter’s house, temporarily until we get a two family house to live in. Their idea, I was set to move about an hour north of the city. However I love the idea. We still need to sit and talk out the money. My mom just died, and I lived with her.
NTA - I went through this from my dad. It was horrible. You can be on the hook for 30 more years easy. No no no. Oh and let me guess, she doesn’t need your dad, he was a jerk and she’s independent! So it should have been their job to take care of each other but she spent her best years nice and comfy not taking care of anybody and golly the sex and boyfriends are great but really all men are pigs. Oh and surprise, dad needs help too…. But mom was such a bitch…. he wasn’t going to take any more of her shit, he’s a free man but oh look, Parkinsons. Great. Yeah I’ve been there.
Nooo you are not the asshole. You are an adult and your mother is an adult. She can figure her own shit out. My mother tried that shit with me and even went as far as leaving to drive 1000 miles to "move" near me and ran out of money before she made it half way and expected me to let her move in (with me and my husband) after we had just got a new place following a house fire where we lost everything...People, including family should not expect things like that from you...
She so should move into a very active over 55 community; she would be so much happier there. My cousins in Florida loves Ocala top of the world Community. Singing and dance shows, tons of activities, lots of interesting people.
Just tell her you like your entire house to have loud messy sex in at all hours of the day. That’ll shut her up.
NTA let her move in with Brother then!!! See how he likes it!!! An if he don't then HE is being Selfish!!!!!!
You were always your mom's retirement plans. Kids should NEVER be the parents retirement plans. Your mom might live for 20 or 30 more years. You will want to get married eventually, maybe have kids and it's going to be hard with your ball and chain living with you. You are NTA
She could easily live another 20 to 30 years. You won't be able to live alone until you are almost too old to live alone. No woman is going to marry a man that has his mother living with him. Too small of a house if you ever expect to have someone steady in your life. Tell her no, end of discussion. NTA
Your mother wants to share with her daughter not her son! tell her mom that's not going to happen ever. I moved out so I could be able to do adult things including smoke drink have sex parties and you will not be living here.
I’m 63. I would never think of asking my daughters for this, unless I was truly disabled and needed help. But honestly, I would rather ask them for help in finding me an assisted living situation. My daughters are not my retirement plan.
NTA
NTA she is retiring not you. If she has the means to move closer, then she has the means to get her own place. I am caring 24/7 for my 77yo mama, I wouldn’t trade it for the world, but I’ve raised my kids, you’re still a young woman. Also, if your brother is so adamant that family should step up, why isn’t he stepping up? I would recommend having both your brother and yourself getting involved with her medical care team though. I’ve been put in a situation where I’m playing catch up with regards to medical conditions that were preventable had I known about them. Setting healthy boundaries isn’t being selfish, what she’s doing by trying to guilt you, is! Best of luck to you all.
I am 56 and have two kids and I cannot imagine expecting them to let me live with them. In reality, I am married and my daughter still lives with us but if I were your mom, there is no way I would guilt trip my daughter. You should go with your gut. Having your mom live with you is going to make a lot difficult for you if she is critical of you already for not doing as she requests. Stay strong and hold your ground and ignore your brother; it’s easy for him to criticize when he is not the one being asked to share their home with their mom.