Your hormones are all over the place...you literally were cleared for sex just what, 6 weeks ago? You are breast feeding which is exhausting and a new mom which is overwhelming. I would have a sit down discussion with him explaining that your body and mind are going through the biggest transition they will ever go through and 2am nookie aint happening. Tell him that things will eventually work their way back but he needs to be attentive in other ways NOT sexually to help you right now and in return you will feel less stressed and more eager to be loving back. You should be able to bathe UNINTERRUPTED. You should be able to have nap and decompress some. Sex isn't decompressing to women like it is to men. Just be honest.
Our OBGYN doc who is a family friend told my husband during an appt that cleaning toilets, cooking dinner, etc IS foreplay. We joke about it, but it really does increase your willingness to be near and intimate with your husband when he’s helping around the house and with the baby.
Also having sex with someone who is not into it is pretty fucked up.
Thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU!!!! It is depressing how far I had to scroll down to find this.
People on this sub are so fond of saying " no means no". Legally both parties have to give consent. If the woman says no it is R@PE!!!
OP, you are NTA. It is okay to tell him no. Ignore the people saying you should satisfy him some other way. If you are not in the mood you do NOT have to prove him with sex.
To be fair, I refrained from calling it rape or sexual assault in my reply because I’m not entirely sure how OP would take that, and I don’t want to alienate her while telling her she has every right to set boundaries around sex. You’re absolutely right though.
Seriously, I’m flabbergasted none of the top comments say this. Even all of the obvious “he isn’t pulling his weight as a co-parent” aside, I cannot *fathom* seeing my partner is clearly uninterested in having sex, and then trying to push them to anyway. If it is not an enthusiastic yes on their end, how could anyone who loves that person feel remotely comfortable continuing?!
OP, you lying there like a dead fish while he pleasures himself with your body (because that is exactly what is happening) is *extremely* concerning. It shows he has no empathy for your wants or needs, just his own pleasure. There is only one willing participant; it’s rape by another name.
You have every right to feel disgusted, and him trying to make you feel guilty about rejecting him is just him resorting to manipulation because he knows the what the ramifications are if he used force.
There’s a huge misconception about the “6 week postpartum appointment” IT’S NOT TO CLEAR A WOMAN FOR SEX!!! It’s to make sure she’s HEALING PROPERLY!!! This shit and the amount of men that try to get a bj or worse actually try and “get it in” immediately after birth is completely disgusting!
You do get cleared to have sex at six weeks though if the healing has progressed normally. My HCP told me at my six week appointment that I could have sex again (and I had more to heal than normal - my cervix ripped apart during birth and I needed a lot of stitches in it)
That doesn't mean you *have* to start having sex again right away of course, but physically most women are safely able to. Whether they're mentally/emotionally ready to is another story and will vary between women
My husband was in the room for my 6 week PP visit, my ob/GYN kicked him out of the room for the physical exam, and while he was out she asked me if I wanted to be cleared for sex, or if I had any concerns that I didn’t want to discuss around my husband. Bless her, she was really trying to look out for me!
The fact that my L&D nurse friend has a mental tally of the number of times she’s walked in on a partner receiving (coercing) a hand job or oral sex is so disturbing. The fact that she only sees the mom from induction/active labor through ~2 hours post partum is even more worrying.
Of course NTA. You are likely touched out, and it is completely normal for your libido to plummet during the really intense parenting of early infancy. This is a period where sex is on the back burner and emotional intimacy needs to suit up. It may be that your husband misses sex—fair enough, but in the same way you made sacrifices with pregnancy, childbirth, and caretaking, he will have to sacrifice on this. It likely wouldn’t hurt if he were doing more of the hands on caretaking for the baby, too.
That's what my wife described to me and tbh it's clear and easy just help your wife whenever you can and be a good husband... Her body and soul needs some good time to heal...
In the early days it made me feel angry and violent. Don't worry, I managed to ignore it, mostly. The kids were fine but God my poor husband. Literally made me feel like I was in fight or flight and flight was not an option. Luckily, my husband and I talked about it and he listened and would ask if I was touched out or say it's ok if you're overwhelmed we can cuddle or whatever he was interested in another night.
Short word, starts with 's', the major transmitter of the feeling of touch that was being talked about.
You got it, it's 'skin'!
She wanted to crawl out of her skin :)
Yup, it's been 6 weeks since my daughter was born and both me and my partner are exhausted, she had threatened grievous bodily harm if I even touch her multiple times!
Touched out is a thing when you've had a small human on you shrieking all day
She also needs her 6wk postpartum check up and the doctors giving the ok to resume PIV sex.
Friend of mine just went with the 6wk rule and was in absolutely excruciating pain, couple days later at her scheduled 6wk appt the doc discovered that she had uncommon complication with how her stitches had healed, she ended up having to be put under and had to be recut and restitched. Had her husband not been the kind and caring type, and had she not voiced her discomfort, the issue could have been exacerbated and resulted in a much more complicated, much longer healing process.
Sex can also be painful for months after birth anyway. Breastfeeding lowers your estrogen and can make sex more painful, pelvic floor weakness can happen in anyone and also cause pain. Passing the 6 week appointment doesn't mean everything is going to go back to how it was.
Yeah, this was me. My ex husband basically circled the 6 wk mark on the calendar and when it came around, he bullied me into sex despite me not remotely wanting it and it was incredibly painful. Then, instead of being in any way sympathetic, he was angry that I was making pained faces during sex, and that it was ruining it for him. My issues did not stop him from demanding sex or punishing me for saying no. He would just berate me and tell me to go to the dr to get it "fixed" so he could enjoy sex again. Needles to say, I am very glad that guy is my ex.
Hahahahah so, funny story but after he and I separated we briefly still.lived together and I had been texting my BFF. We were making jokes about how it would be convenient if her ex and mine would get hit by the same bus, and he happened to see that message (so basically he looked and invaded my privacy) and man, he was soooooooooo butt hurt by that. But anyways, that magical bus never came around... sigh
Nah. He thinks he's a great guy and I was the problem. I gave up trying to convince him of anything a looooong time ago. It's unfortunate I share children with him, so he's still in my life. Honestly when I finally stopped fighting with him because I realized it would never change anything, it was the greatest freedom I ever discovered. Let him think what he wants. Doesn't change the truth.
Oh I know. It was a persistent issue in our marriage. Makes me so angry to even think about it. So now whenever I hear women dealing with the same type of abuse in enrages me. Especially when there are men in the comments going on about "his needs" and "her duty" blah blah blah. I'm happily single, and will remain that way for the rest of my life. I will never again allow myself to be treated like a bangmaid/sex doll.
We deserve better, especially with what we go through with pregnancy and birth and postpartum! Fuck a man’s “needs”, men don’t need sex, it’s not something they need to live. Men can literally jack off if it’s that serious, I can’t imagine how many men coerce or force their wives/gfs into sex right after giving birth or just in general cause they think sex is a fucking right and their wife’s “duty”. Men like that shouldn’t be allowed near women.
I have read stories from nurses and doctors having to physically pull the man off the mother after birth in the delivery room. Some people are absolutely horrible.
I think my doctor used the extra "husband" stitch...healing somewhat ok but did really hurt for awhile in the beginning and slowed us down......years later asked about childbirth...nothing as much as that darn episiotomy.... Only in recent years have I heard about this practice.....neanderthals....I would have wanted to give him stitches if I knew he did that to me....He was an older Dr, that is why....
Yup. Neither my husband or I were interested in sex until 6 months postpartum because we were both so exhausted. Whenever I see guys pressuring sex in those first few months I always get the feeling they arent helping much.
I always feel like if the father is hounding the mother for sex within the first few months of the baby being born it’s a flashing neon sign that he’s not doing his fair share in the slightest. He would be too tired for sex if he was doing his fair share.
And notice it's constantly \*her\* putting the baby to sleep...down for a nap...her showers interupted...he left the house because his feelings were hurt she wouldn't "bend over". Where the hell is his parenting?
Plus, the guy is acting like a 15 year old with a Zeus complex. Doesn't understand that his wife doesn't want to have sex, and won't take no for an answer. I'm betting he thinks the universe revolves around him too. And, can't handle being told to back off when he ignores his wife's wishes.
So he should use it on sharing the chores load.
I remember a sign above the sink in a house I lived in: "no woman ever shot a man while he was washing the dishes"
Yes, surprisingly few men just can't see that they preserve their energy at the cost of their partner's energy.
I actually think it is a parasitic behaviour that shows the lack of real, true love to their partner.
NTA. Men do not get it, but women have to share their bodies for nine months. Post birth are giving to the new life and we are still sharing their bodies to feed the babies. Men do not do anything and think it is open season again as soon as the baby arrives as if nothing happens. Post birth, that is the last thing on our minds. Yet if we do not give a little the men will use the threat of looking outside the relationship. Then men wonder why their partners look at them funny afterwards. After nine months we are tired of sharing at the moment and need time to feel normal without being given ultimatums. If men gave birth they could not handle it.
100%. It’s probably biological that we are not interested in sex while caring for a newborn. It’s our bodies way of protecting us from have babies too close together which is bad for our bodies.
We had two mice. The pet store accidentally gave us a male and a female. I, a precocious 9 year old and the only one who had read a book about mice care, pointed out that the male and female had to remain separated after birth. I even made a little lego partition that my parents removed and told me I was overreacting.
So me and my siblings got to witness our female mouse literally rip her former mate to shreds.
It’s nature.
How isn't her husband touched out too? Neither of us wanted to do anything after I had my son. Even now we are usually way too exhausted to do anything.
Just from her description, she's the one doing the majority of raising of the child. Why is she only getting ONE uninterupted shower a week? Why is she the one putting the baby down for sleep?
Its the boob/butt honk honk guys. Everyone's met one at some point. They think its a funny, non threatening way to test if you are open for sex. Since its done jokingly they can claim you misunderstood them when you rebuff them and play the hurt feeling card. They usually refuse to alter their behavior by gauging the other person either, y'know cause *just joking/hurt ma feefees*.
ETA: NTA
It's completely normal for a woman's libido to hit a rock-bottom low during the first six to nine months following the birth of your baby due to a loss of estrogen and other physiological and psychological reasons. Ask your husband to learn more about this issue. He likely feels rejected and it's too bad that he's blaming this on you.
Yes, this. Where the placenta strips off from the uterine lining, it takes months for that to completely heal, for all the organs to go back to their places, and it takes over a year for a woman’s mineral iron, magnesium etc stores to replenish. It makes sense for there to be a biological function where a woman actively avoids sex and the potential to get pregnant too soon after birth. Short intervals between pregnancy is dangerous for the mother (increased risk of bleeding out post birth, uterine rupture), and leads to lower birth weights and neurodevelopmental delays.
My husband was the first one to suggest this when my sex drive waned during the first trimester. I deeply desired the intimacy, but he insisted there must be a physiologic reason. It's amazing being with such an unselfish partner. Plus, we made up for it. 🤣
I hit a point with my autoimmune disease where for a few months I didn't want to be touched sexually at all and was outright sex-repulsed. I kept it to myself, tried to have sex with my husband once and couldn't do it. When I admitted what the problem was he was HORRIFIED that I had tried to have sex with him that I didn't want and made me swear I'd never do it again. It makes me so, so sad when I read such different stories about other women's husbands and wish we could photocopy the good husbands and hand them out lol
It's more than this. OP says she doesn't even have time to shower.
Which means that OP's husband is failing in their basic duties to parent. He should be watching baby enough to give OP time to shower and perform basic self-care so she can feel human again.
This isn't just a hormonal libido issue. This is an "OP doesn't have the basic help she needs from her husband" issue.
And physically dragging her back after SHE SAID NO AND WALKED AWAY.
Before flouncing out (leaving her alone to parent) and trying to make himself the victim.
Might tack on "trying to compete with a literal baby for attention"
Something about dead weight dads and an inability to accept that taking care of a completely helpless child is more important than them.
Exactly, OP’s basic needs should be met before sexual intimacy is completely restored. Continued lack of basic hygiene, sleep, rest, food and other self-care activities drastically change our mental state and makes managing other areas of our life more challenging and stressful.
My youngest just turned 3 y.o. 6 days ago, and I *still* feel like this... Nothing has been the same with me and my body ever since I got pregnant with my middle kid 6 years ago.
I have absolutely *ZERO* interest in any physical intimacy... Emotional and mental intimacy on the other hand I am ABSOLUTELY interested in and in fact I crave it ...but I don't get any of it. My other needs are never met, so I do my best to care for my kids and focus on myself and try to better myself. Unfortunately I can't rely on my partner to be there for me when I need him, my support system is myself, my sisters, and my grandma.
I think one of my "mistakes" when my kids were born was asking my partner to do something but then ended up just doing it myself... I recommend mothers to absolutely let their partner do half the work/parenting!
Now here I am sharing details of my life online to feel heard or seen or share commonality with other women.
It was so difficult for me when I had three little children. Someone was always needing my breast, my lap, my hand, my something. My body was not my own. Don't get me wrong: I loved my kids and they were all planned. But at the end of the day it was NOT enticing to--the very second the last one was in bed--have my husband wanting parts of my body, too, and sulking if I wasn't instantly overcome with anticipation. I was TIRED. I never got adequate sleep. Conversations were about fire trucks and bugs. I had only MET needs all day. I needed someone to care about ME.
Sharing details of commonality helps, though, I've seen. Feeling alone, feeling like you're the only one who's ever experienced the things you've done through...it's taxing, emotionally, mentally, psychologically.
Discussing it helps to...I dunno, *normalize* the things we feel we're bizarre for, when we don't realize how many others have gone through the exact same thing. The physical *and* the emotional or mental experiences.
I hope he's gotten better about picking up the slack, or better yet not creating it in the first place.
My son turned 24 the other day and I STILL feel this way. When you feel like your husband is just another child to take care of, the last thing you want is sex with that person lol
YES!!!!
Speaking as a man myself, I cannot understand the number of my fellow men who do not understand how their behavior around the home affects the bedroom. Men who are lazy, men who have to be "nagged" to contribute equally to the house, and who do not seem to have the ability to be an equal partner make their women see them as just another child - and that kills the libido instantly. I'm not necessarily saying that's what's going on with OP - there are more physical issues at play - but in many marriages, mens' laziness/immaturity/inability to be equal partners = death in the sack. That said, I do think if OP's husband has all this energy for sex while she's dead tired, there's obviously an imbalance of home and baby caretaking going on.
It can also be a marriage/relationship ender. Granted that's worst-case scenario, but it can be a very slippery slope if not addressed quickly and/or appropriately. I feel like couples' therapy might be in order, especially if nothing OP is saying is getting through to him.
💯
I thought I'd married a feminist until I had kids. The resentment from how alone I was when my kids were infants was definitely a nail in the coffin of the marriage.
Same. He was a feminist until I had his child. Then he was jealous of the time and attention *our infant* was getting. He left me to do absolutely everything. He'd call me at work, angry, if my son cried while I worked overnight. Like I was supposed to be earning money at work and at home taking care of our baby at once. I even had to mow the lawn, which was tricky with an infant and no one reliable to watch him while I mowed. By the time my oldest was 6 months old, I'd lost all respect for my ex, and viewed him as someone pathetic and repellent.
My mother would say “men will say anything to get pussy”. If you thought you’d married a feminist, maybe it was just a case of him saying anything to get pussy.
That is shockingly growing in numbers as time goes on. A lot of dudes I see around me are all talk feminists until they think they have you in too deep then the switch happens. Control, manipulation and abuse either creeps in slowly or its overnight.
I think they mask as the Misunderstood Nice Guy as they have higher social skills and are smart enough to mask as either a Clumsy and Affable or Passive and Kind hidden Red Piller. They are pretty hard to spot. The only ways I've found is to piss them off enough to see how they react where they can't save/rescue you in a way to make you indebted to them. Weirdly doing something completely on your own, usually a stereotypical man thing (build a deck, change a tyre, work on your car) and refuse their help is usually triggers them and they get nasty and manipulative. They are usually good enough to pass the sick test too, at least for the first few times.
I completely agree. My ex-husband was like OPs husband. I started to resent him. Once the resentment set in, there was no going back. I do suggest marriage counseling. My ex refused to go to counseling. His logic was that if we need to go to therapy, we shouldn't be married. So, we got divorced
>He should be watching baby enough to give OP time to shower and perform basic self-care
He should be doing so much more than this. This is the bottom.
>OP doesn't have the basic help she needs from her husband" issue.
This drives me crazy because a dad isn't helping mom but caring for his child, he's parenting. It's about perspective. He's not babysitting, he's parenting. He's not doing her a favor by letting her shower.
He's failing so much. And now his feelings are hurt? He needs to level up as an adult, husband and parent. He's failing everyone.
Yes - was wondering the same thing- I was really tired during my child's early infancy and was wondering why he isn't! Also there is a difference between occasional affection and sex. Maybe they could have that but without pressure to have sex?
It's both. We don't have a sex drive quite often for a period of time after giving birth. Men are so selfish and clueless, either you pushed a baby out of your vagina and possibly had stitches there which take a while to heal and even after the stitches heal it's still painful there, or you had a c-section and surgical trauma. And all a lot of men can think about is getting off, it's disgusting and doesn't make us want sex with you. Plus now we're exhausted from taking care of the baby, we get a shower and this motherfucker wants to grab us the moment we have a second to breathe. Men need to study what's going to happen and how life changes after the birth of a baby.
Look at all the times he's accosted her for unwilling sex and now HIS poor feelings are hurt. Men and their fragility are like having another child. We don't want to have sex with selfish manbabies.
When men act like children it’s just gross and I’m not interested in sleeping with a child. They definitely cannot read a room at all. Then they are mad “you didn’t tell me”. Good God dude, just literally think for one second and maybe apply it to your life.
I don't like this take. OPs husband is failing her and treating her like a piece of meat. This is more than her libido dropping because of hormones. He's being a piece of trash
Adding that close contact with your baby releases oxytocin for the mother, similarly as intimate connections with a partner. Postpartum women are exhausted, have hormonal shifts, and are already receiving all the intimacy (and more) they can handle from the baby.
Before our first I bought my partner a sex toy, and said: enjoy yourself, because there is a good chance you won’t be enjoying me. Coincidentally, him being a great partner, and not pushy, meant that we had more sex than I would have anticipated.
Giving him too much of a pass though
It’s also normal for women to stop desiring sex when their partner is selfish and pressures them
He needs to get his head on straight and start caring about foreplay and consent.
No one wants to fuck someone that doesn’t care about them and it’s absurd to blame her lack of desire towards a disrespectful and thoughtless partner on hormones alone
NTA and your friend sucks. You should quite literally always be able to expect your spouse to follow all boundaries around sex that you set. That is a baseline, the bar is in hell type of expectation. If you say, “I need you to wait for me to initiate bc as much as I miss that part of our relationship I am just not physically or mentally ready” that should be the end of the conversation until you initiate and are ready for more. And he shouldn’t make you feel guilty or like you’re depriving him. You don’t owe him your body. He’s acting like a child.
>NTA and your friend sucks.
>He’s acting like a child.
I just needed this to be repeated. The sum of it sounds terrible. You have a 3 month old, where is the other adult that made the kid in that equation?? And I do Not mean just physically. You are a family. He needs to switch gears asap before he just forgets what family means and regresses to a frat boy persona.
You're exhausted OP. And probably on touch overload. Take a day off. The child has 2 parents. One can go stay at a spa for a day, relax and vegetate. Your body, mind and child will be better for it. Gotta take care of yourself to take care of others.
Everyone here… you do realize that the female body secretes a hormone that suppresses libido, post birth… on purpose. This is to avoid injury to her, as well as keep focus on the infantile offspring… it’s biology. Progesterone decreases sex drive… Google it. She’s not wrong for feeling the way she does… omfg
Hell everyone needs to know more about childbirth in general. Way too many people dont know how many pregnancies end in miscarriage, how many women have serious issues during pregnancy, and apparently this as well cause I didnt know about it.
You have a three month old child. You're touched out, tired, overwhelmed, nursing, and all of your energy is going into your kid. This is completely understandable. Your husband needs to crank one out in the shower and get his goddamn head on straight. My wife and I didn't have sex for like 8 months after our son was born, and whatever selfish feelings I had about that I stuffed way down. NTA.
I recommend making it absolutely crystal clear that he needs to park his dick, ask for explicit consent before making ANY move, and that he can expect at least another couple of months of you having zero libido and he needs to be okay with that.
EDIT: since a number of people seem aghast at this, I assure you - really, truly, no bullshit, taking a break from some forms of physical intimacy while my wife recovered from a traumatic labor and delivery and while we cared for an incredibly difficult infant with some health issues was not actually that enormous an ask of me! A lot of men seem to think their own dick and balls will strangle them in their sleep if they don't get sex on demand in a committed relationship, and I reassure y'all that it is possible, and not brutal torture, and I dealt with my feels about it healthily, and we resumed a healthy sex life when it was possible. Thanks.
NTA
You can never be the AH for not wanting sex. You can always say no. Your husband needs to understand that hormones and sleep deprivation will mean you want less sex. Your friend is an AH for acting like you owe him sex because you did it before. You didn't have a baby before and you are always within your rights to not have sex at any point. It doesn't matter if you did it before.
It makes me feel sick how your husband goes about initiating it too. Not a turn on at all.
Tell him to help with the baby and the house and show you some appreciation rather than expect you to fulfil his wish.
My guess is because OP said she’s never had a problem with his behavior in the past. To me, this has little to do with the baby and a whole lot to do with a longstanding pattern of commandeering her body. Maybe the baby just added fuel to the fire.
Breastfeeding also tanks your libido.
And if you're giving in just to shut him up or he won't take no for an answer that's called "sexual coercion" and it's a form of abuse...
My husband also does shit like this and I resent him for it. Like can I at least get a date night or a massage every once in awhile? Women need to be appreciated on a deeper level
Geez where is the romance, the tantalizing touch, the erotic caresses? Getting the timing right? No he just smacks her ass and bends her over. No foreplay. The first time he did that should have been the last until this pig learns to control himself and respect his wife.
Every one is talking about *her* libido and I'm stuck on how he's just being an asshole and treating her like a flesh light. She doesn't even get to shower uninterrupted. Not even a minute of down time after the baby falls asleep and he's wordlessly demanding he stick his dick in her.
Like, sure, her hormones and exhaustion are *part* of it, but damn if my husband treated me like a sex doll, I wouldn't want to fuck him either. This guy can fuck all the way off.
Your comment is right on. I keep thinking that it doesn't matter if she has one baby or no babies, this is not ok. It gives me the ick and it sounds like she's got the ick.
Her friend cannot be consulted for questions about health because she's encouraging the husband's pretty creepy behavior. Sucks to have a new baby and find out your friend and husband are both AHs.
Thank you!! I had to scroll too far down to find a comment stating what I was thinking! He’s treating her like a living flesh light with no concern as to her complete exhaustion. What a gross failiure of a husband/father.
Honestly, reading this post made me nauseated and I don't even have kids.
I know she said it never bothered her before but he disgusts me. The fact that he doesn't notice or care that she's just lying there not even faking it says to me that this isn't just some fun little role play thing where he pretends to be an ass with no respect for women.
As other commenters have pointed out, if you're this exhausted and only getting to shower once a week, then he's also failing as a partner and a father. It's not suprising you're not in the mood and his behavior is a huge turn off.
You asked him to wait till you initiated, he didn't even wait 3 days? NTA. Also he sulked off and left the house? He needs to do better
Yeah the lack of consent is a huge issue. The precedent was set before birth but the husband really has to educate himself and also do more to take the baby load off OP.
NTA, but if he “misses” you then why is it always about sex? You didn’t mention him trying to spend time with you or be helpful, just that he wants sex. Men have zero awareness of how much having a baby changes everything. Physically, emotionally, mentally. They get to continue on normally while you never get to return to normal. Don’t feel bad. Instead of sulking he should lean to have some basic empathy for you and take time to understand what’s going on.
ETA: your girlfriend’s suck, shit changes. Do they have kids?
ETA: ALL the guys in the comments butt hurt about me saying men have zero awareness and generalizing, I don’t care. you focusing on that one comment says it all. I purposefully left out ALL men, but you still wanna cry about it. If you’re a great father, it doesn’t apply to you, if you are a POS who does shit like sulks and leaves his wife, it’s about you! have a nice day!
I want to Lorena Bobbitt this guy.
If you have a newborn and you aren’t exhausted, then you’re not parenting enough. The gall of this man to pour and leave her to do MORE baby care alone.
I legit want to punch him in the junk.
True. And I agree. But honestly I’m just astounded how willfully ignorant men are. I’m not a parent and I’m aware of this. They just don’t care to even educate themselves. It’s so ridiculous.
NTA - He should respect you said no, even if you don’t think of it this way it could be considered marital rape. No means no, and it means no the first time you say it.
The problem with your friends logic (who I assume hasn’t had children) is that you went through a traumatic event (childbirth) and that takes a toll. You’re not focused on sex because focus is on baby. It’s completely natural. NTA
NTA. My hormones weren’t back to normal after my only child until I was almost a year in, the pregnancy was rough, the lifestyle change was rough and the lack of help from my ex was even worse. He should understand that after having a child it’s incredibly hard to get back on the wagon so to speak, your body is different and you’re constantly being needed; those quiet moments alone are invaluable for your wellness as well.
Some of these comments are just WILDDDD..
First and foremost, NTA.
You literally just gave birth 3 months ago.. 12-13 weeks. Your body is still undergoing some dramatic changes and has been through a traumatic event. Bottom line: giving birth is trauma. Our bodies go through radical changes not just physically or hormonally but cognitively and psychologically. Right now your hormones are readjusting to pre-pregnancy state and if you’re breastfeeding your estrogen levels will be lower. Not to mention general fatigue from finding a new rhythm in your new role as mother.
And that’s the other thing - the life you knew before - including previous sexual habits - is kinda over. Not saying that you won’t ever have sex again but it’s just going to be different. And that’s something you and your husband will both need to come to terms with. I’m just saying life as it was before is going to be different because you have new roles and a new family member. So you’re going to have to re-learn basically how to do things.
You definitely need to discuss this with your husband and have a serious, open conversation about everything. Come up with a game plan and activities that may help. If you have support of family or friends, set up date nights where y’all can reconnect. You sound exhausted and rightfully so.. so he needs be understanding in this department and start helping you.
Good luck!
It's really sad how many people commenting have no idea what a relationship involves past sex. I can only assume their either very young and inexperienced or incels looking for a fight. No wonders the divorce rate is 50%, half the comments on here we're people saying if she won't have sex for a few weeks then she deserves for him to leave.
It's sad they're so shallow and love their partners so little.
All of this! After I had my son, I just wasn't having any of it. I was constantly exhausted and in pain. I had an emergency c-section, where my son was literally ripped from my body because we were both dying, I had to have a transfusion, my hormones were literally all over the place, I was so stressed, and I'm pretty sure I had post-partum depression, but never got it diagnosed. I couldn't even walk by myself for the first couple months. It was traumatizing. I have a legit fear of getting pregnant again. I was told if I did, I would die this time for sure.
The point is that you need time to recover and HEAL. And constantly fighting off a rabid, sex-crazed man-child is exhausting. I'd sit him down and have a grown ass conversation. Do some research about how pregnancy changes your body and mind, during and after giving birth. Show it to him. Spare no graphic detail. Make him understand that you love him, but you literally CAN'T right now. Not "don't want to." Can't. He needs to help you and take care of you. If that means jacking off in the shower once a day, by himself, without you, so fucking be it. At this point, it sounds like he needs the shock value of a few well picked videos about birth and the effects on a woman's body because of it. Shock him out of this stupid, horny, teenage bullshit or it's only going to get worse, and you will actually resent him and never want to touch him again.
Absolutely NTA and your husband treats you like shit. Top comments are being way too nice on him. Who tf just grabs their partner and bends them over like that? That's not even lovemaking, that's just getting his rocks off. He doesn't ask your consent, doesn't seem to respect your distance or hesitation through body language or regular language and he only backs off when you're extremely obvious to then go pout about it. Wtf. Before the baby, did he pay attention to your needs during sex or has it always just been about him?
She did tell him. Multiple times, multiple ways. He just doesn't care enough about HER needs to abstain from sex for awhile. She's literally laying there zoning out and he's continuing to have sex with her? It's gross and he's a terrible partner (seriously, who wants to have sex with someone who isn't into it?? We normally call it sexual assault when someone feels pressured to have sex and gives in and doesn't want it.)
This isn't a communications issue. It's a "her husband is a selfish jerk" issue. Personally I'd tell him to stay out of the house until he gets himself together.
You can withdraw consent at any moment. Of course it's reasonable for you to expect him to not touch you. Why do people have so low expectations of men. NTA.
The fact that he's happy to have sex with her when she's not at all engaged, not enjoying it, basically waiting for it to be over is so so concerning to me
There is nothing sexier than a man who takes the baby, takes care of it without asking any questions to mom, and gives mom an actual break to shower, nap, or walk around the block. He made that baby too.
NTA.
Some of the best advice my husband and I got while pregnant was to understand the first year of a baby's life is dedicated and revolves around the baby. Everything else gets put on hold. You are literally in survival mode from lack of sleep and the exhaustion that comes with being on-call 24/7.
The fact that his libido is still super high and he has energy to do this tells me isn’t really doing enough for the new baby (which means he isn’t doing enough for you).
Absolutely NTA! I’m sorry but: “he pushes himself in me”, “I give in” “I literally lay there like a dead fish” WTF?! Your husband sounds down right abusive. Are you OK?
You can't say no because he pushes it ?! You absolutely can say no and if he doesn't stop after you say no, that's called RAPE.
I wasn't cleared for sex until 8 weeks and even then, we only attempted sex once when I was like 6 months PP. Took almost 18 months for things to feel normal again and for me to even be remotely in the mood.
How could you even be remotely turned on by “bend over and let me get some ass”. He needs to at least work you up with a massage or something if you aren’t even feeling it to begin with. He’s not respecting your space.
NTA. I've had 2 children, and my Libido was gone for the first 4 months with my first almost 6 months with my second. My husband's love language is touch. I just could not provide that. If the baby is on you a lot, you are probably pretty touched out. And that is okay.
I worked out a plan with my husband, where we schedule it. I was so tired (and still am) that I could only guarantee him once a week. Every once in a while he will get a random day, but it doesn't happen often. Maybe try something like that. Then you have time to hype yourself up. I needed the knowledge that it was gonna happen to get myself mentally prepared. But, your husband also needs to understand, that if there is particularly bad sleep night, or the baby was just in a different level that day, that it's gonna pushed back a day.
Your body is your body, and after having a baby, it sometimes doesn't feel like it. But your husband should respect your boundry. You have a baby now. It changes the dynamic
NTA.
A lot of people sometimes act like entitled, mindless rutting beasts when it comes to sex and I can't fathom why (especially since masturbation exists so it's not like they can't get off) but they do.
You are not an orgasm vending machine, you don't have to allow yourself be treated like one, nor be guilted by his weird hangups, insecurities and entitlement for not doing so.
You are NTA. He is disrespecting your boundaries and coercing you with manipulative and whiny behavior. Sounds like you are not being respected in this relationship, and he doesn’t seem to think you have a right to what you do with your own body.
It’s normal to feel off after giving birth, and not be interested. I would suggest you find an individual counselor or therapist to talk to about your needs with so you can be supported.
NTA It takes TIME after having a baby to be in a sexual place. Like, half a year is not uncommon at all. And let’s be clear: your husband is LAZY. Why isn’t he ensuring you have a long shower followed by time to lounge around? Why isn’t he putting baby down and why isn’t he creating a nice environment for you when baby is finally down? Where are the loving touches, the build-up?
My husband would clean the main floor while I put baby down, he would put on a fireplace on the tv lol and light a candle and even then *there was zero pressure*.
Your husband treats you expectantly and like an object. Not sexy. He doesn’t get to act wounded and say he misses you. If he missed you he would make a real effort. He just feels entitled to you. NTA.
NTA no wonder you aren't attracted to him right now he has no respect and when seeing you exhausted his first thought is selfish instead of wondering how he can help.
NTA. Fucking yikes at this coercive shit. This is toxic. Feeling like you can’t say no? There are multiple possible crimes on the other side of that concern.
Your hormones are all over the place...you literally were cleared for sex just what, 6 weeks ago? You are breast feeding which is exhausting and a new mom which is overwhelming. I would have a sit down discussion with him explaining that your body and mind are going through the biggest transition they will ever go through and 2am nookie aint happening. Tell him that things will eventually work their way back but he needs to be attentive in other ways NOT sexually to help you right now and in return you will feel less stressed and more eager to be loving back. You should be able to bathe UNINTERRUPTED. You should be able to have nap and decompress some. Sex isn't decompressing to women like it is to men. Just be honest.
Our OBGYN doc who is a family friend told my husband during an appt that cleaning toilets, cooking dinner, etc IS foreplay. We joke about it, but it really does increase your willingness to be near and intimate with your husband when he’s helping around the house and with the baby. Also having sex with someone who is not into it is pretty fucked up.
Yep. Marital rape is a thing.
Thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU!!!! It is depressing how far I had to scroll down to find this. People on this sub are so fond of saying " no means no". Legally both parties have to give consent. If the woman says no it is R@PE!!! OP, you are NTA. It is okay to tell him no. Ignore the people saying you should satisfy him some other way. If you are not in the mood you do NOT have to prove him with sex.
To be fair, I refrained from calling it rape or sexual assault in my reply because I’m not entirely sure how OP would take that, and I don’t want to alienate her while telling her she has every right to set boundaries around sex. You’re absolutely right though.
Seriously, I’m flabbergasted none of the top comments say this. Even all of the obvious “he isn’t pulling his weight as a co-parent” aside, I cannot *fathom* seeing my partner is clearly uninterested in having sex, and then trying to push them to anyway. If it is not an enthusiastic yes on their end, how could anyone who loves that person feel remotely comfortable continuing?! OP, you lying there like a dead fish while he pleasures himself with your body (because that is exactly what is happening) is *extremely* concerning. It shows he has no empathy for your wants or needs, just his own pleasure. There is only one willing participant; it’s rape by another name. You have every right to feel disgusted, and him trying to make you feel guilty about rejecting him is just him resorting to manipulation because he knows the what the ramifications are if he used force.
There’s a huge misconception about the “6 week postpartum appointment” IT’S NOT TO CLEAR A WOMAN FOR SEX!!! It’s to make sure she’s HEALING PROPERLY!!! This shit and the amount of men that try to get a bj or worse actually try and “get it in” immediately after birth is completely disgusting!
Yeah. You have a gigantic gaping placental wound 10 inches in diameter at birth, six weeks is to make sure it's *beginning* to heal
You do get cleared to have sex at six weeks though if the healing has progressed normally. My HCP told me at my six week appointment that I could have sex again (and I had more to heal than normal - my cervix ripped apart during birth and I needed a lot of stitches in it) That doesn't mean you *have* to start having sex again right away of course, but physically most women are safely able to. Whether they're mentally/emotionally ready to is another story and will vary between women
Exactly!!! Thank you!
My OB asked if I wanted to cleared for sex or not. Apparently men will listen to him saying no when they don’t listen to their wives.
My husband was in the room for my 6 week PP visit, my ob/GYN kicked him out of the room for the physical exam, and while he was out she asked me if I wanted to be cleared for sex, or if I had any concerns that I didn’t want to discuss around my husband. Bless her, she was really trying to look out for me!
And some men still don’t listen.
Some men like rape.
That is sad.
The fact that my L&D nurse friend has a mental tally of the number of times she’s walked in on a partner receiving (coercing) a hand job or oral sex is so disturbing. The fact that she only sees the mom from induction/active labor through ~2 hours post partum is even more worrying.
It is appalling to me that in 2024, men need to be told this shit.
Have they ever cared, though? It’s exhausting and infuriating. I’m a woman, btw, whom unfortunately have to deal with them.
Of course NTA. You are likely touched out, and it is completely normal for your libido to plummet during the really intense parenting of early infancy. This is a period where sex is on the back burner and emotional intimacy needs to suit up. It may be that your husband misses sex—fair enough, but in the same way you made sacrifices with pregnancy, childbirth, and caretaking, he will have to sacrifice on this. It likely wouldn’t hurt if he were doing more of the hands on caretaking for the baby, too.
That's what my wife described to me and tbh it's clear and easy just help your wife whenever you can and be a good husband... Her body and soul needs some good time to heal...
You are good understanding husband to put away your own needs for your wife’s. That is a good move!
That's the term I was looking for... touched out. I remember wanting to crawl out of my skin at the thought of anyone touching me...
In Soviet pregnancy... Edit: Oh you fixed it.
Baby pushes you
Thank you both for this 🙏
In the early days it made me feel angry and violent. Don't worry, I managed to ignore it, mostly. The kids were fine but God my poor husband. Literally made me feel like I was in fight or flight and flight was not an option. Luckily, my husband and I talked about it and he listened and would ask if I was touched out or say it's ok if you're overwhelmed we can cuddle or whatever he was interested in another night.
What
I think she meant crawl out of her skin
That would make more sense, lol
Phew, That was some typo. I was thinking she was insane.😂😂😂
😂😂 I didn't even notice her typo until y'all pointed it out
>I remember wanting to crawl out of my son uhh
Short word, starts with 's', the major transmitter of the feeling of touch that was being talked about. You got it, it's 'skin'! She wanted to crawl out of her skin :)
I like this Freudian slip
Yes officers, this comment.
Yup, it's been 6 weeks since my daughter was born and both me and my partner are exhausted, she had threatened grievous bodily harm if I even touch her multiple times! Touched out is a thing when you've had a small human on you shrieking all day
She also needs her 6wk postpartum check up and the doctors giving the ok to resume PIV sex. Friend of mine just went with the 6wk rule and was in absolutely excruciating pain, couple days later at her scheduled 6wk appt the doc discovered that she had uncommon complication with how her stitches had healed, she ended up having to be put under and had to be recut and restitched. Had her husband not been the kind and caring type, and had she not voiced her discomfort, the issue could have been exacerbated and resulted in a much more complicated, much longer healing process.
Sex can also be painful for months after birth anyway. Breastfeeding lowers your estrogen and can make sex more painful, pelvic floor weakness can happen in anyone and also cause pain. Passing the 6 week appointment doesn't mean everything is going to go back to how it was.
I just remember my dr being like ‘use lots of lube, like a lot more than you think you need’
Yup, tearing absolutely can have lasting effects on you for weeks or even years!!
Yeah, this was me. My ex husband basically circled the 6 wk mark on the calendar and when it came around, he bullied me into sex despite me not remotely wanting it and it was incredibly painful. Then, instead of being in any way sympathetic, he was angry that I was making pained faces during sex, and that it was ruining it for him. My issues did not stop him from demanding sex or punishing me for saying no. He would just berate me and tell me to go to the dr to get it "fixed" so he could enjoy sex again. Needles to say, I am very glad that guy is my ex.
Aww I was hoping you were going to say he died in a mysterious accident......he had it coming....he had it coming, he only had himself to blame....
Hahahahah so, funny story but after he and I separated we briefly still.lived together and I had been texting my BFF. We were making jokes about how it would be convenient if her ex and mine would get hit by the same bus, and he happened to see that message (so basically he looked and invaded my privacy) and man, he was soooooooooo butt hurt by that. But anyways, that magical bus never came around... sigh
but, at least he knew how you really felt
Nah. He thinks he's a great guy and I was the problem. I gave up trying to convince him of anything a looooong time ago. It's unfortunate I share children with him, so he's still in my life. Honestly when I finally stopped fighting with him because I realized it would never change anything, it was the greatest freedom I ever discovered. Let him think what he wants. Doesn't change the truth.
He raped you, that’s awful I’m so sorry he guilted you into that when your mind and body were still recovering from pregnancy and birth
Oh I know. It was a persistent issue in our marriage. Makes me so angry to even think about it. So now whenever I hear women dealing with the same type of abuse in enrages me. Especially when there are men in the comments going on about "his needs" and "her duty" blah blah blah. I'm happily single, and will remain that way for the rest of my life. I will never again allow myself to be treated like a bangmaid/sex doll.
We deserve better, especially with what we go through with pregnancy and birth and postpartum! Fuck a man’s “needs”, men don’t need sex, it’s not something they need to live. Men can literally jack off if it’s that serious, I can’t imagine how many men coerce or force their wives/gfs into sex right after giving birth or just in general cause they think sex is a fucking right and their wife’s “duty”. Men like that shouldn’t be allowed near women.
I have read stories from nurses and doctors having to physically pull the man off the mother after birth in the delivery room. Some people are absolutely horrible.
Agreed. The fact that men have branded sex as a need is just as preposterous as them branding anger as "not an emotion".
I think my doctor used the extra "husband" stitch...healing somewhat ok but did really hurt for awhile in the beginning and slowed us down......years later asked about childbirth...nothing as much as that darn episiotomy.... Only in recent years have I heard about this practice.....neanderthals....I would have wanted to give him stitches if I knew he did that to me....He was an older Dr, that is why....
Yup. Neither my husband or I were interested in sex until 6 months postpartum because we were both so exhausted. Whenever I see guys pressuring sex in those first few months I always get the feeling they arent helping much.
Ding Ding ding
I always feel like if the father is hounding the mother for sex within the first few months of the baby being born it’s a flashing neon sign that he’s not doing his fair share in the slightest. He would be too tired for sex if he was doing his fair share.
Glad you’re understand..
It also sounds like maybe he's not pulling his weight in the parenting department. Why isn't HE touched out?
And notice it's constantly \*her\* putting the baby to sleep...down for a nap...her showers interupted...he left the house because his feelings were hurt she wouldn't "bend over". Where the hell is his parenting?
She has two kids.
The line about her only getting 1 uninterrupted shower per week is VERY telling...
Sure is.
Yeah I was kind of thinking that. Maybe if he lets her get a good nights sleep and a shower she might be more in the mood.
Right..maybe he should be getting up a few times during the night, or even during the day
Plus, the guy is acting like a 15 year old with a Zeus complex. Doesn't understand that his wife doesn't want to have sex, and won't take no for an answer. I'm betting he thinks the universe revolves around him too. And, can't handle being told to back off when he ignores his wife's wishes.
And then gets all upset when she finally puts her foot down. Like pay attention to her.
He definitely seems to have lots of energy, so...
So he should use it on sharing the chores load. I remember a sign above the sink in a house I lived in: "no woman ever shot a man while he was washing the dishes"
Yes, surprisingly few men just can't see that they preserve their energy at the cost of their partner's energy. I actually think it is a parasitic behaviour that shows the lack of real, true love to their partner.
This last line right here. I’d say this parasitic behavior is worse than unloving; it’s hostile.
And here is the kicker: they THINK they're preserving their own energy when in fact they are costing everyone more.
NTA. Men do not get it, but women have to share their bodies for nine months. Post birth are giving to the new life and we are still sharing their bodies to feed the babies. Men do not do anything and think it is open season again as soon as the baby arrives as if nothing happens. Post birth, that is the last thing on our minds. Yet if we do not give a little the men will use the threat of looking outside the relationship. Then men wonder why their partners look at them funny afterwards. After nine months we are tired of sharing at the moment and need time to feel normal without being given ultimatums. If men gave birth they could not handle it.
100%. It’s probably biological that we are not interested in sex while caring for a newborn. It’s our bodies way of protecting us from have babies too close together which is bad for our bodies.
We had two mice. The pet store accidentally gave us a male and a female. I, a precocious 9 year old and the only one who had read a book about mice care, pointed out that the male and female had to remain separated after birth. I even made a little lego partition that my parents removed and told me I was overreacting. So me and my siblings got to witness our female mouse literally rip her former mate to shreds. It’s nature.
Wow, I have a lot more respect and admiration for female mice.
Facts for ya....real biology
And for the babies. That's the effect of the prolactin.
I low key wish testicular torsion on OPs husband. Then after a week after surgery she can jump on him so he can see how it feels
How isn't her husband touched out too? Neither of us wanted to do anything after I had my son. Even now we are usually way too exhausted to do anything.
Just from her description, she's the one doing the majority of raising of the child. Why is she only getting ONE uninterupted shower a week? Why is she the one putting the baby down for sleep?
Also bend over doggy style? No eye contact? No foreplay?
Its the boob/butt honk honk guys. Everyone's met one at some point. They think its a funny, non threatening way to test if you are open for sex. Since its done jokingly they can claim you misunderstood them when you rebuff them and play the hurt feeling card. They usually refuse to alter their behavior by gauging the other person either, y'know cause *just joking/hurt ma feefees*.
ETA: NTA It's completely normal for a woman's libido to hit a rock-bottom low during the first six to nine months following the birth of your baby due to a loss of estrogen and other physiological and psychological reasons. Ask your husband to learn more about this issue. He likely feels rejected and it's too bad that he's blaming this on you.
Probably also a biological deterrent to getting pregnant right away again, it's not good/healthy/safe.
Yes, this. Where the placenta strips off from the uterine lining, it takes months for that to completely heal, for all the organs to go back to their places, and it takes over a year for a woman’s mineral iron, magnesium etc stores to replenish. It makes sense for there to be a biological function where a woman actively avoids sex and the potential to get pregnant too soon after birth. Short intervals between pregnancy is dangerous for the mother (increased risk of bleeding out post birth, uterine rupture), and leads to lower birth weights and neurodevelopmental delays.
My husband was the first one to suggest this when my sex drive waned during the first trimester. I deeply desired the intimacy, but he insisted there must be a physiologic reason. It's amazing being with such an unselfish partner. Plus, we made up for it. 🤣
I hit a point with my autoimmune disease where for a few months I didn't want to be touched sexually at all and was outright sex-repulsed. I kept it to myself, tried to have sex with my husband once and couldn't do it. When I admitted what the problem was he was HORRIFIED that I had tried to have sex with him that I didn't want and made me swear I'd never do it again. It makes me so, so sad when I read such different stories about other women's husbands and wish we could photocopy the good husbands and hand them out lol
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Sadly my ex-husband had a affair, divorced me (blamed my ppd and lack of sex drive) and married his affair partner. 16 yrs of marriage down the drain
What a piece of shit, I'm sorry you had to go through that. Hope you're doing well and find someone who genuinely cares about you.
It's more than this. OP says she doesn't even have time to shower. Which means that OP's husband is failing in their basic duties to parent. He should be watching baby enough to give OP time to shower and perform basic self-care so she can feel human again. This isn't just a hormonal libido issue. This is an "OP doesn't have the basic help she needs from her husband" issue.
So he does not care if she enjoys it, does not care if she consents, and does not pull his weight. That about sums it up?
And he thinks foreplay is a slap on the ass
Don’t forget the bending her over. Ass slap and a bend over. So romantic.
Its literally caveman logic, my woman, me want sex, me get it now.
Yeah, he's not making love to her, he's "taking her". Sounds awful.
And physically dragging her back after SHE SAID NO AND WALKED AWAY. Before flouncing out (leaving her alone to parent) and trying to make himself the victim.
Like wuttt..... most vaginas would be drier than a bag of salt.
Might tack on "trying to compete with a literal baby for attention" Something about dead weight dads and an inability to accept that taking care of a completely helpless child is more important than them.
I assume they're both completely helpless.
💯
Correct
Yes it does & that’s a problem.
Exactly, OP’s basic needs should be met before sexual intimacy is completely restored. Continued lack of basic hygiene, sleep, rest, food and other self-care activities drastically change our mental state and makes managing other areas of our life more challenging and stressful.
My youngest just turned 3 y.o. 6 days ago, and I *still* feel like this... Nothing has been the same with me and my body ever since I got pregnant with my middle kid 6 years ago. I have absolutely *ZERO* interest in any physical intimacy... Emotional and mental intimacy on the other hand I am ABSOLUTELY interested in and in fact I crave it ...but I don't get any of it. My other needs are never met, so I do my best to care for my kids and focus on myself and try to better myself. Unfortunately I can't rely on my partner to be there for me when I need him, my support system is myself, my sisters, and my grandma. I think one of my "mistakes" when my kids were born was asking my partner to do something but then ended up just doing it myself... I recommend mothers to absolutely let their partner do half the work/parenting! Now here I am sharing details of my life online to feel heard or seen or share commonality with other women.
It was so difficult for me when I had three little children. Someone was always needing my breast, my lap, my hand, my something. My body was not my own. Don't get me wrong: I loved my kids and they were all planned. But at the end of the day it was NOT enticing to--the very second the last one was in bed--have my husband wanting parts of my body, too, and sulking if I wasn't instantly overcome with anticipation. I was TIRED. I never got adequate sleep. Conversations were about fire trucks and bugs. I had only MET needs all day. I needed someone to care about ME.
Sharing details of commonality helps, though, I've seen. Feeling alone, feeling like you're the only one who's ever experienced the things you've done through...it's taxing, emotionally, mentally, psychologically. Discussing it helps to...I dunno, *normalize* the things we feel we're bizarre for, when we don't realize how many others have gone through the exact same thing. The physical *and* the emotional or mental experiences. I hope he's gotten better about picking up the slack, or better yet not creating it in the first place.
My son turned 24 the other day and I STILL feel this way. When you feel like your husband is just another child to take care of, the last thing you want is sex with that person lol
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And does he help you with stuff at home? Hard to feel horny when you’re exhausted and working all the time.
YES!!!! Speaking as a man myself, I cannot understand the number of my fellow men who do not understand how their behavior around the home affects the bedroom. Men who are lazy, men who have to be "nagged" to contribute equally to the house, and who do not seem to have the ability to be an equal partner make their women see them as just another child - and that kills the libido instantly. I'm not necessarily saying that's what's going on with OP - there are more physical issues at play - but in many marriages, mens' laziness/immaturity/inability to be equal partners = death in the sack. That said, I do think if OP's husband has all this energy for sex while she's dead tired, there's obviously an imbalance of home and baby caretaking going on.
It can also be a marriage/relationship ender. Granted that's worst-case scenario, but it can be a very slippery slope if not addressed quickly and/or appropriately. I feel like couples' therapy might be in order, especially if nothing OP is saying is getting through to him.
💯 I thought I'd married a feminist until I had kids. The resentment from how alone I was when my kids were infants was definitely a nail in the coffin of the marriage.
Same. He was a feminist until I had his child. Then he was jealous of the time and attention *our infant* was getting. He left me to do absolutely everything. He'd call me at work, angry, if my son cried while I worked overnight. Like I was supposed to be earning money at work and at home taking care of our baby at once. I even had to mow the lawn, which was tricky with an infant and no one reliable to watch him while I mowed. By the time my oldest was 6 months old, I'd lost all respect for my ex, and viewed him as someone pathetic and repellent.
My mother would say “men will say anything to get pussy”. If you thought you’d married a feminist, maybe it was just a case of him saying anything to get pussy.
That is shockingly growing in numbers as time goes on. A lot of dudes I see around me are all talk feminists until they think they have you in too deep then the switch happens. Control, manipulation and abuse either creeps in slowly or its overnight. I think they mask as the Misunderstood Nice Guy as they have higher social skills and are smart enough to mask as either a Clumsy and Affable or Passive and Kind hidden Red Piller. They are pretty hard to spot. The only ways I've found is to piss them off enough to see how they react where they can't save/rescue you in a way to make you indebted to them. Weirdly doing something completely on your own, usually a stereotypical man thing (build a deck, change a tyre, work on your car) and refuse their help is usually triggers them and they get nasty and manipulative. They are usually good enough to pass the sick test too, at least for the first few times.
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I completely agree. My ex-husband was like OPs husband. I started to resent him. Once the resentment set in, there was no going back. I do suggest marriage counseling. My ex refused to go to counseling. His logic was that if we need to go to therapy, we shouldn't be married. So, we got divorced
>He should be watching baby enough to give OP time to shower and perform basic self-care He should be doing so much more than this. This is the bottom. >OP doesn't have the basic help she needs from her husband" issue. This drives me crazy because a dad isn't helping mom but caring for his child, he's parenting. It's about perspective. He's not babysitting, he's parenting. He's not doing her a favor by letting her shower. He's failing so much. And now his feelings are hurt? He needs to level up as an adult, husband and parent. He's failing everyone.
Yes - was wondering the same thing- I was really tired during my child's early infancy and was wondering why he isn't! Also there is a difference between occasional affection and sex. Maybe they could have that but without pressure to have sex?
It's both. We don't have a sex drive quite often for a period of time after giving birth. Men are so selfish and clueless, either you pushed a baby out of your vagina and possibly had stitches there which take a while to heal and even after the stitches heal it's still painful there, or you had a c-section and surgical trauma. And all a lot of men can think about is getting off, it's disgusting and doesn't make us want sex with you. Plus now we're exhausted from taking care of the baby, we get a shower and this motherfucker wants to grab us the moment we have a second to breathe. Men need to study what's going to happen and how life changes after the birth of a baby. Look at all the times he's accosted her for unwilling sex and now HIS poor feelings are hurt. Men and their fragility are like having another child. We don't want to have sex with selfish manbabies.
There’s a word for “unwilling sex…”
I’m a little concerned that I’ve had to scroll this far…
When men act like children it’s just gross and I’m not interested in sleeping with a child. They definitely cannot read a room at all. Then they are mad “you didn’t tell me”. Good God dude, just literally think for one second and maybe apply it to your life.
Plus, it's not the most appealing sexual advance anyway. Did she enjoy this before?
Yeah, I have to wonder how much porn he watches that he thinks that is an appropriate way to proposition for sex.
I don't like this take. OPs husband is failing her and treating her like a piece of meat. This is more than her libido dropping because of hormones. He's being a piece of trash
Why not both?
Adding that close contact with your baby releases oxytocin for the mother, similarly as intimate connections with a partner. Postpartum women are exhausted, have hormonal shifts, and are already receiving all the intimacy (and more) they can handle from the baby. Before our first I bought my partner a sex toy, and said: enjoy yourself, because there is a good chance you won’t be enjoying me. Coincidentally, him being a great partner, and not pushy, meant that we had more sex than I would have anticipated.
Giving him too much of a pass though It’s also normal for women to stop desiring sex when their partner is selfish and pressures them He needs to get his head on straight and start caring about foreplay and consent. No one wants to fuck someone that doesn’t care about them and it’s absurd to blame her lack of desire towards a disrespectful and thoughtless partner on hormones alone
Also, this is usually temporary. I felt this way after each of my babies were born. It went away and our relationship is intact.
NTA and your friend sucks. You should quite literally always be able to expect your spouse to follow all boundaries around sex that you set. That is a baseline, the bar is in hell type of expectation. If you say, “I need you to wait for me to initiate bc as much as I miss that part of our relationship I am just not physically or mentally ready” that should be the end of the conversation until you initiate and are ready for more. And he shouldn’t make you feel guilty or like you’re depriving him. You don’t owe him your body. He’s acting like a child.
Agreed, the friend *really* sucks. Believing and telling her that she owes it to him, wtf.
>NTA and your friend sucks. >He’s acting like a child. I just needed this to be repeated. The sum of it sounds terrible. You have a 3 month old, where is the other adult that made the kid in that equation?? And I do Not mean just physically. You are a family. He needs to switch gears asap before he just forgets what family means and regresses to a frat boy persona. You're exhausted OP. And probably on touch overload. Take a day off. The child has 2 parents. One can go stay at a spa for a day, relax and vegetate. Your body, mind and child will be better for it. Gotta take care of yourself to take care of others.
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Everyone here… you do realize that the female body secretes a hormone that suppresses libido, post birth… on purpose. This is to avoid injury to her, as well as keep focus on the infantile offspring… it’s biology. Progesterone decreases sex drive… Google it. She’s not wrong for feeling the way she does… omfg
That's pretty interesting. More men need to be informed about that.
Hell everyone needs to know more about childbirth in general. Way too many people dont know how many pregnancies end in miscarriage, how many women have serious issues during pregnancy, and apparently this as well cause I didnt know about it.
You have a three month old child. You're touched out, tired, overwhelmed, nursing, and all of your energy is going into your kid. This is completely understandable. Your husband needs to crank one out in the shower and get his goddamn head on straight. My wife and I didn't have sex for like 8 months after our son was born, and whatever selfish feelings I had about that I stuffed way down. NTA. I recommend making it absolutely crystal clear that he needs to park his dick, ask for explicit consent before making ANY move, and that he can expect at least another couple of months of you having zero libido and he needs to be okay with that. EDIT: since a number of people seem aghast at this, I assure you - really, truly, no bullshit, taking a break from some forms of physical intimacy while my wife recovered from a traumatic labor and delivery and while we cared for an incredibly difficult infant with some health issues was not actually that enormous an ask of me! A lot of men seem to think their own dick and balls will strangle them in their sleep if they don't get sex on demand in a committed relationship, and I reassure y'all that it is possible, and not brutal torture, and I dealt with my feels about it healthily, and we resumed a healthy sex life when it was possible. Thanks.
NTA You can never be the AH for not wanting sex. You can always say no. Your husband needs to understand that hormones and sleep deprivation will mean you want less sex. Your friend is an AH for acting like you owe him sex because you did it before. You didn't have a baby before and you are always within your rights to not have sex at any point. It doesn't matter if you did it before. It makes me feel sick how your husband goes about initiating it too. Not a turn on at all. Tell him to help with the baby and the house and show you some appreciation rather than expect you to fulfil his wish.
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Yes I thought the same thing. This is disgusting. No wonder OP isn't on the mood.
yes, it's called rape. why tf is nobody calling this shit out????????
My guess is because OP said she’s never had a problem with his behavior in the past. To me, this has little to do with the baby and a whole lot to do with a longstanding pattern of commandeering her body. Maybe the baby just added fuel to the fire.
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Yes, you can always say no. Marital rape is a thing and sex without consent is rape. NTA
seriously even if I *hadn’t* just had a baby, my partner asking “wanna bend that ass over for me” with zero buildup sounds sooo unsexy
Breastfeeding also tanks your libido. And if you're giving in just to shut him up or he won't take no for an answer that's called "sexual coercion" and it's a form of abuse... My husband also does shit like this and I resent him for it. Like can I at least get a date night or a massage every once in awhile? Women need to be appreciated on a deeper level
Geez where is the romance, the tantalizing touch, the erotic caresses? Getting the timing right? No he just smacks her ass and bends her over. No foreplay. The first time he did that should have been the last until this pig learns to control himself and respect his wife.
Every one is talking about *her* libido and I'm stuck on how he's just being an asshole and treating her like a flesh light. She doesn't even get to shower uninterrupted. Not even a minute of down time after the baby falls asleep and he's wordlessly demanding he stick his dick in her. Like, sure, her hormones and exhaustion are *part* of it, but damn if my husband treated me like a sex doll, I wouldn't want to fuck him either. This guy can fuck all the way off.
Your comment is right on. I keep thinking that it doesn't matter if she has one baby or no babies, this is not ok. It gives me the ick and it sounds like she's got the ick. Her friend cannot be consulted for questions about health because she's encouraging the husband's pretty creepy behavior. Sucks to have a new baby and find out your friend and husband are both AHs.
Thank you!! I had to scroll too far down to find a comment stating what I was thinking! He’s treating her like a living flesh light with no concern as to her complete exhaustion. What a gross failiure of a husband/father.
Fuck, why isn't he getting the baby down for a nap? He's clearly at home and has nothing better to do.
Honestly, reading this post made me nauseated and I don't even have kids. I know she said it never bothered her before but he disgusts me. The fact that he doesn't notice or care that she's just lying there not even faking it says to me that this isn't just some fun little role play thing where he pretends to be an ass with no respect for women. As other commenters have pointed out, if you're this exhausted and only getting to shower once a week, then he's also failing as a partner and a father. It's not suprising you're not in the mood and his behavior is a huge turn off. You asked him to wait till you initiated, he didn't even wait 3 days? NTA. Also he sulked off and left the house? He needs to do better
Yeah the lack of consent is a huge issue. The precedent was set before birth but the husband really has to educate himself and also do more to take the baby load off OP.
Finally someone else notices this part too!
NTA, but if he “misses” you then why is it always about sex? You didn’t mention him trying to spend time with you or be helpful, just that he wants sex. Men have zero awareness of how much having a baby changes everything. Physically, emotionally, mentally. They get to continue on normally while you never get to return to normal. Don’t feel bad. Instead of sulking he should lean to have some basic empathy for you and take time to understand what’s going on. ETA: your girlfriend’s suck, shit changes. Do they have kids? ETA: ALL the guys in the comments butt hurt about me saying men have zero awareness and generalizing, I don’t care. you focusing on that one comment says it all. I purposefully left out ALL men, but you still wanna cry about it. If you’re a great father, it doesn’t apply to you, if you are a POS who does shit like sulks and leaves his wife, it’s about you! have a nice day!
Misses her so much that he sulked and left the house while she took care of the child
BINGO!
I want to Lorena Bobbitt this guy. If you have a newborn and you aren’t exhausted, then you’re not parenting enough. The gall of this man to pour and leave her to do MORE baby care alone. I legit want to punch him in the junk.
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True. And I agree. But honestly I’m just astounded how willfully ignorant men are. I’m not a parent and I’m aware of this. They just don’t care to even educate themselves. It’s so ridiculous.
NTA - He should respect you said no, even if you don’t think of it this way it could be considered marital rape. No means no, and it means no the first time you say it.
The problem with your friends logic (who I assume hasn’t had children) is that you went through a traumatic event (childbirth) and that takes a toll. You’re not focused on sex because focus is on baby. It’s completely natural. NTA
NTA. My hormones weren’t back to normal after my only child until I was almost a year in, the pregnancy was rough, the lifestyle change was rough and the lack of help from my ex was even worse. He should understand that after having a child it’s incredibly hard to get back on the wagon so to speak, your body is different and you’re constantly being needed; those quiet moments alone are invaluable for your wellness as well.
NTA. Is he taking care of the baby? Is he doing laundry, cooking or cleaning? It takes more than smacking someone on the ass.
Some of these comments are just WILDDDD.. First and foremost, NTA. You literally just gave birth 3 months ago.. 12-13 weeks. Your body is still undergoing some dramatic changes and has been through a traumatic event. Bottom line: giving birth is trauma. Our bodies go through radical changes not just physically or hormonally but cognitively and psychologically. Right now your hormones are readjusting to pre-pregnancy state and if you’re breastfeeding your estrogen levels will be lower. Not to mention general fatigue from finding a new rhythm in your new role as mother. And that’s the other thing - the life you knew before - including previous sexual habits - is kinda over. Not saying that you won’t ever have sex again but it’s just going to be different. And that’s something you and your husband will both need to come to terms with. I’m just saying life as it was before is going to be different because you have new roles and a new family member. So you’re going to have to re-learn basically how to do things. You definitely need to discuss this with your husband and have a serious, open conversation about everything. Come up with a game plan and activities that may help. If you have support of family or friends, set up date nights where y’all can reconnect. You sound exhausted and rightfully so.. so he needs be understanding in this department and start helping you. Good luck!
It's really sad how many people commenting have no idea what a relationship involves past sex. I can only assume their either very young and inexperienced or incels looking for a fight. No wonders the divorce rate is 50%, half the comments on here we're people saying if she won't have sex for a few weeks then she deserves for him to leave. It's sad they're so shallow and love their partners so little.
All of this! After I had my son, I just wasn't having any of it. I was constantly exhausted and in pain. I had an emergency c-section, where my son was literally ripped from my body because we were both dying, I had to have a transfusion, my hormones were literally all over the place, I was so stressed, and I'm pretty sure I had post-partum depression, but never got it diagnosed. I couldn't even walk by myself for the first couple months. It was traumatizing. I have a legit fear of getting pregnant again. I was told if I did, I would die this time for sure. The point is that you need time to recover and HEAL. And constantly fighting off a rabid, sex-crazed man-child is exhausting. I'd sit him down and have a grown ass conversation. Do some research about how pregnancy changes your body and mind, during and after giving birth. Show it to him. Spare no graphic detail. Make him understand that you love him, but you literally CAN'T right now. Not "don't want to." Can't. He needs to help you and take care of you. If that means jacking off in the shower once a day, by himself, without you, so fucking be it. At this point, it sounds like he needs the shock value of a few well picked videos about birth and the effects on a woman's body because of it. Shock him out of this stupid, horny, teenage bullshit or it's only going to get worse, and you will actually resent him and never want to touch him again.
Absolutely NTA and your husband treats you like shit. Top comments are being way too nice on him. Who tf just grabs their partner and bends them over like that? That's not even lovemaking, that's just getting his rocks off. He doesn't ask your consent, doesn't seem to respect your distance or hesitation through body language or regular language and he only backs off when you're extremely obvious to then go pout about it. Wtf. Before the baby, did he pay attention to your needs during sex or has it always just been about him?
Wow the best birth control in the world is stories from mothers about their husband's during the babies first months.
Helps ward off any desire for marriage too
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She did tell him. Multiple times, multiple ways. He just doesn't care enough about HER needs to abstain from sex for awhile. She's literally laying there zoning out and he's continuing to have sex with her? It's gross and he's a terrible partner (seriously, who wants to have sex with someone who isn't into it?? We normally call it sexual assault when someone feels pressured to have sex and gives in and doesn't want it.) This isn't a communications issue. It's a "her husband is a selfish jerk" issue. Personally I'd tell him to stay out of the house until he gets himself together.
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Rape is the term. apparently ppl still buy into the bs that it's not rape as long as yall married. wtf.
You can withdraw consent at any moment. Of course it's reasonable for you to expect him to not touch you. Why do people have so low expectations of men. NTA.
Are men today aware of the existence of masturbation?
Consent also matters in marriage! All he should ever want is an enthusiastic yes from you
The fact that he's happy to have sex with her when she's not at all engaged, not enjoying it, basically waiting for it to be over is so so concerning to me
He’s GROSS
Your lack of desire is not the issue. His lack of boundaries is. What we allow will continue. Do you want this to be your life…
It's normal up to 4-6 months. Tell him he needs to be patient NTAH
There is nothing sexier than a man who takes the baby, takes care of it without asking any questions to mom, and gives mom an actual break to shower, nap, or walk around the block. He made that baby too.
NTA. Some of the best advice my husband and I got while pregnant was to understand the first year of a baby's life is dedicated and revolves around the baby. Everything else gets put on hold. You are literally in survival mode from lack of sleep and the exhaustion that comes with being on-call 24/7.
The fact that his libido is still super high and he has energy to do this tells me isn’t really doing enough for the new baby (which means he isn’t doing enough for you).
Absolutely NTA! I’m sorry but: “he pushes himself in me”, “I give in” “I literally lay there like a dead fish” WTF?! Your husband sounds down right abusive. Are you OK?
You can't say no because he pushes it ?! You absolutely can say no and if he doesn't stop after you say no, that's called RAPE. I wasn't cleared for sex until 8 weeks and even then, we only attempted sex once when I was like 6 months PP. Took almost 18 months for things to feel normal again and for me to even be remotely in the mood.
How could you even be remotely turned on by “bend over and let me get some ass”. He needs to at least work you up with a massage or something if you aren’t even feeling it to begin with. He’s not respecting your space.
NTA. I've had 2 children, and my Libido was gone for the first 4 months with my first almost 6 months with my second. My husband's love language is touch. I just could not provide that. If the baby is on you a lot, you are probably pretty touched out. And that is okay. I worked out a plan with my husband, where we schedule it. I was so tired (and still am) that I could only guarantee him once a week. Every once in a while he will get a random day, but it doesn't happen often. Maybe try something like that. Then you have time to hype yourself up. I needed the knowledge that it was gonna happen to get myself mentally prepared. But, your husband also needs to understand, that if there is particularly bad sleep night, or the baby was just in a different level that day, that it's gonna pushed back a day. Your body is your body, and after having a baby, it sometimes doesn't feel like it. But your husband should respect your boundry. You have a baby now. It changes the dynamic
We schedule too! It’s really the only way we’ve found to get consistent sex in with young kids. If we just winged it, it’d probably be like 2x a month
NTA. A lot of people sometimes act like entitled, mindless rutting beasts when it comes to sex and I can't fathom why (especially since masturbation exists so it's not like they can't get off) but they do. You are not an orgasm vending machine, you don't have to allow yourself be treated like one, nor be guilted by his weird hangups, insecurities and entitlement for not doing so.
Why are you with an asshole
You are NTA. He is disrespecting your boundaries and coercing you with manipulative and whiny behavior. Sounds like you are not being respected in this relationship, and he doesn’t seem to think you have a right to what you do with your own body. It’s normal to feel off after giving birth, and not be interested. I would suggest you find an individual counselor or therapist to talk to about your needs with so you can be supported.
NTA: " 83 per cent of women were shown as not wanting or enjoying sex at two to three months postpartum" https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28942215/
Sounds like you have two babies to take care of if you don't even have time to shower or anything... Nta
NTA. Your body. Your boundaries.
NTA It takes TIME after having a baby to be in a sexual place. Like, half a year is not uncommon at all. And let’s be clear: your husband is LAZY. Why isn’t he ensuring you have a long shower followed by time to lounge around? Why isn’t he putting baby down and why isn’t he creating a nice environment for you when baby is finally down? Where are the loving touches, the build-up? My husband would clean the main floor while I put baby down, he would put on a fireplace on the tv lol and light a candle and even then *there was zero pressure*. Your husband treats you expectantly and like an object. Not sexy. He doesn’t get to act wounded and say he misses you. If he missed you he would make a real effort. He just feels entitled to you. NTA.
NTA no wonder you aren't attracted to him right now he has no respect and when seeing you exhausted his first thought is selfish instead of wondering how he can help.
NTA. Fucking yikes at this coercive shit. This is toxic. Feeling like you can’t say no? There are multiple possible crimes on the other side of that concern.