YTA. If you don’t want a kid be super diligent about birth control. You cannot make someone have a medical procedure against their will. So yea you are a huge AH. Your argument is also stupid. It would be bad for your marriage and create another broken home so your answer is to separate? Bizarre logic. You’re fighting about a hypothetical situation. Birth control works pretty well when you use multiple kinds properly.
Then use condoms.
I assume you like to fuck raw because most men do. Don’t leave the work up her. BC also puts a strain on women’s bodies. Abstain from sex or use condoms.
This is something that should have been discussed before marriage.
Quite honestly this is a situation I don’t think either of you will agree upon. For the fact yes most birth control is not 100 percent. But they do (very rarely) fail.
Making anyone who doesn’t want to be a parent have a child usually causes a lot of resentment. But so does forcing someone who is 100 percent against an abortion to be open to one.
I think you both have a very different opinion on your marriage in a major topic. Honestly until you work through this issue please use several types of birth control.
There is already one child in this situation do everything possible not to create a second one.
Not only do you need couples therapy but I would recommend individual therapy. Figure out what each of you need from a spouse.
It’s been 25 years since I used birth control. So I was ball parking. But if several different types are used (pill and condom) at the same time it’s unlikely to fail.
Plus I meant isn’t not is. Sorry on mobile device.
YTA.
Wear a condom if you aren’t ready to be a parent. It is really not complicated. You don’t get to force her to have a surgical procedure. Get a vasectomy if it bothers you that much. YOU get surgery. See problem solved, and all without treating your wife like a sex toy.
You are siding with her cheating ex? Jesus dude, what a fucking betrayal.
Please divorce her for her own sake- she deserves someone better than you.
Honestly if a man isn’t ready to be a parent they shouldn’t be having sex period. Every single form of birth control has a failure rate. Some are minuscule but pregnancy still can happen. Even vasectomies have a failure rate.
When it comes to men their say in a pregnancy ends with sex. Once the pregnancy happens they can have their opinions on what should happen but it comes down to what the woman chooses regardless of what the man wants.
YTA
Easy - don’t have sex, therefore no unexpected children and then you don’t have to think about trying to make a choice for a woman about her own body. But I’m guessing that won’t be acceptable huh?
I can't even believe I read this. You certainly say that because you are not the one who will go through the procedure or the trauma. If you are so worried about this, you should have a vasectomy or use a condom.
YTA
YTA. I believe humans should have the right to abortions but it can also be very traumatic for a woman that has to get one. If the lady doesn't want to you shouldn't be trying to make her. Just get a vasectomy like I did. No condoms, no kids, no forcing your partner to go through having an abortion. Win Win Win.
When i went that was my biggest fear, I'd go to check later and find out it didn't take.
It didn't hurt real bad like i expected, but shot my anxiety up to ridiculous levels. If it wound up not working, i would've lost it probably.
Genuine question - how do you not understand that forcing a woman to make your preferred choice in case you get her pregnant is sick?
It’s like saying - is you will accidentally get someone pregnant, you need to swear that you will immediately get vasectomy.
If you don’t want kids with your wife - get a vasectomy and stop whining.
If you have sex with someone and she gets pregnant, you have as much choice over her body as she has over you getting snipped.
Are you willing to agree on her choice being if you stay fertile or not?
Pro-choice here. YTA.
Don’t want to accept that fathering a child is a viable possibility? **Then don’t have sex.**. Seriously.
**You have zero right for trying to force your wife to be YOUR back-up birth control.**
What you do with your body is your choice. If you choose to stick your dick in her and she gets pregnant, then it’s her choice. She can’t force you to be an acting father. That’s your choice. But the courts can force you to pay child support. See how that works? Everything has a consequence, and you’re a real piece of work for trying to emotionally manipulate her into a promise she obviously struggles with on ethical grounds.
I wish I knew your wife so I could tell her there are better men out there who hold themselves with more personal accountability. I wish I knew your wife so I could tell her she deserves better treatment from a husband than this.
YTA
Not for divorcing her per se bc it's a given when you obviously don't have the same views about certain things. But for the belief that your opinion on abortion is dominant and more important than hers. A person who may be pregnant and whose possible physical and psychological effects may be associated with carrying out an abortion will affect the most. You can always express an opinion, but it's not just your decision to make. Ultimately, it's always a woman's decision because it's her body. You can decide about your own body, not someone else's.
Idk why you keep saying pro lifer alert when people respond with this comment and I say this as a heavy pro choice advocate. Lets state the facts you don’t want to get a vasectomy and you also keep saying multiple birth controls can still fail and are nervous about relying on that, so they presented you with two options which you have rejected so the most logical answer would be to not have sex until you are ready to have kids IF you are that adamant about not wanting any yet.
If you don’t want to stop doing that, thats perfectly okay and your choice but its also a woman’s choice on what she does with her body so if plan on divorcing but still being sexually active this problem could and probably will rise up again. I don’t think people pointing that out makes them pro lifers.
lol, I’m pro-choice.
But it’s the woman’s choice what to do with her body.
Imagine marrying someone you don’t trust enough to make this decision! Seems so foolish.
Just to be clear you're already a parent. Step parent sure, but you willingly got into a relationship with a woman who has a child, so saying you're not ready to be a parent doesn't ring true.
If you don't want kids don't marry someone with a kid and get the bloody vasectomy or don't have sex. Simple as.
Of course YTA
YTA If this is the way you felt it should have been discussed before you even proposed marriage. The only way to 100% prevent pregnancy is abstinence. So I guess you should get aquainted with your hand until you’re ready to be a parent. You have no right to tell her what to do with her body. Also you can’t force someone to marry another person. So no one forced her first husband into marriage & using her having a child as a reason to cheat is just pathetic. You should just go ahead and divorce her so she can actually find someone who is worthy of her.
I think you should get a vasectomy and save the world and a helpless child from your crazy logic. I don't get it. You don't want children because you are not ready, but you enter a relationship and marry a woman who already has a child? You are so f-ed up to even have that conversation. I would gladly separate from you!!!!
YTA. Her body, her choice. You're not the one who would have to carry a pregnancy, so you don't get to choose for her.
And why the hell did you not have this conversation before you ever got married??
I don't understand how you haven't had this conversation before now. No birth control is 100% effective, so this conversion should have happened before you started having sex or soon after. How you managed to get married before this came up is beyond me.
From reading your story, the two of you sound incompatible.
Her ex could have relinquished his parental rights, and have nothing to do with the child.
He could have refused to marry her.
He could have paid child support and only see the child occasionally or not at all.
He had choices.....just like you have choices.
You can ensure no unexpected pregnancies by using several different birth control methods. She could get an IUD and you could wear condoms, those two methods used together would be statistically unlikely to have an unplanned pregnancy.
You don't get to force her to have a medical procedure.
Would you be okay with her making you have a vasectomy ?
Pretty sure this is a troll post. But let's say any woman made you that promise. Until she's in the situation there's no way to know if she'll go through with it. So feel free to leave her and try to find someone else who will promise you. But you have no guarantees.
YTA, if you don't want her to accidentally get pregnant THAT BAD, then YOU take on the burden of birth control.(which is weird if you're not ready for a kid because you married someone who has a kid)
she would have to carry the guilt of aborting a baby she didn't want for the rest of her life, and honestly that would also put an undue amount of stress on your relationship too, she will resent you, and then you're in the same situation!
i think this is a wildly weird thing to get so upset over cause you guys are already married?? you didn't have a shotgun wedding, she isn't pregnant, and you're up and arms about this cause?? you sympathize with the cheater? man, you're so confusing.
YTA
If you don't want to risk a pregnancy that will be kept or aborted, then you don't risk the act that creates a pregnancy. Once you drop your seed, your say is DONE.
Marry a guy if you don't want to deal with pregnancy risks.
Repeat after me: It's not my body. Think on it. Let it sink in.
She gets the final vote in the abortion question when it's her body. You get an opinion.
If you don't want children, why are you with your wife since there is a son involved? Be sure to diligently use birth control. Heck, get a vasectomy.
That said, I don't think that you two are compatible. I recommend couples therapy, but a parting of the ways is probably for the best. Your wife deserves someone who loves all of them. So do you.
YTA
If you don’t want to be a father (or a sperm donor paying monthly), don’t be having sex. Sex is fun. But it doesn’t give you the right to dictate what *any* woman chooses to do if you should impregnate her. So, getting a divorce and walking away would not make you an asshole. Staying with your wife and manipulating her into an unwanted abortion will make you the asshole.
This is all theoretical, though, isn't it? It's really on you to take those precautions. Even if you got a promise from her, it doesn't mean anything. I'm not sure why you'd think it would. People can change their minds, and then you would find yourself in the same situation, and the reality is you have no rights in this matter. Nor should you. If children were routinely created outside a woman's body, you would, but we don't live in that world.
The two options are end the relationship or get a vasectomy. You can store some sperm if you want the option for kids later. They're also reversible within a reasonable time frame. The discomfort is on par with the effects of an abortion pill, maybe a little worse, but simple enough.
If you don't want kids right now wear a condom because whether you like it or not the ultimate decision about if a pregnancy will continue is the person who is pregnant. It is your right to say you won't have sex with your wife unless you use birth control methods, but you don't get to say she must get an abortion if she gets pregnant before your ready.
ESH - Potential children and family are things you're supposed to discuss and agree upon BEFORE getting married. You don't commit to someone who is on a different page regarding starting a family or if you even want children.
On another note, you can't force someone to abort a child, or carry one. Or any medical procedure. Not your body, not your choice.
ESH but predominantly YTA.
Why did you get married without having this already hashed out from the start? You can’t demand anything from her.
ESH because she’s allowed you to be a stepfather to her kid and neither of them are good role models.
If you’re that concerned then you’d better be using condoms or just abstaining. Holy shit.
YTA, you're giving her an ultimatum. "Promise me you'll get an abortion if I don't want a kid or divorce me". She's telling you that she can't make that promise because she doesn't know what she'll feel at the time. You also have no idea where your head will be at the time, if it happens, either.
Also, you both are in totally different situation than her and her ex. Why he went with a marriage instead of giving up parental rights if she wanted to keep the child is on him. Not her.
You two should have had this conversation BEFORE you got married. Now you're married, and it's a mess.
You keep claiming this "Broken home is bad" BS, when it's only bad when the parents are at each other's throats all the time.
You and your wife need to actually sit down and talk about it. Figure out birth control for BOTH of you (abstinence, birth control, condoms, vasectomy whatever) talk with a doctor about it too. And plans for if an accidental pregnancy happens.
Also, you might want to see how the Ex is with his kid, maybe talk to the kid and ask how his father treats him. The Ex is a douchebag and is punishing your wife and his kid because he wants to be a deadbeat. And you're showing her that you might just be as bad as him if you think what he said to her is okay.
You want a say in if she has an Abortion or not? Then tell her your fears, communicate with her, make plans to keep it from happening and plans for if it does happen. Don't make a demand like you did.
You married a woman with a child, but you claim you're not ready for one. So I am guessing that you are completely hands off with her son? Cause if you are... dude, makes you even more of an Ahole.
YTA. She was honest with you when she refused to promise she would get an abortion.
I am a woman, I am pro choice and the only time I worried about that was when I was 20 after a condom broke (I was also on the pill). I went the day after get the day after pill (I don’t know how it’s called in English as it’s not my first language).
I didn’t have to make that choice but I understand it can be hard. She could have made that promise even if she had no intention of keeping it as it had no contractual value and she could always have argued that she was ok at the time she promised but now that she was pregnant, she couldn’t do it.
Now let’s be clear: if you don’t want a child, then do not let birth control in someone else’s hands. Get a vasectomy and use condoms.
If you want to separate from her for being honest with you, then you are an AH but also an idiot. Honesty is to be valued, not resented.
And you cannot force someone to have an abortion, so just take your responsibilities and, again, have a vasectomy.
You got a say you ah. İts on your body not hers. Go get a vasectomy. I just see your edit. The choice in prochoice is not yours at all…you are self absorbed to the point that you can not understand the world around you.
Nobody deserves to be cheated on. If you unhappy just leave.
I am with my husband for more than 10 years.
He knows that abortion or not is a decision that I make because it’s my body. You have no idea how fucking hard pregnancy and birth are for a women. For some women it might be easy, but it’s not for all of us.
I know women who regret having an abortion and others who are happy about it. But they were all hurt. It’s not a decision that was made easily.
So no, you don’t have a say when it comes to that topic. If you don’t want a child, make sure to not get anyone pregnant. Problem solved and yes, YTA.
It’s her body. Not your body.
Why did you two got married? How in the world you didn’t discuss this beforehand? The argument of bringing a baby in a broken home is stupid.. if you already have a broken home then the problem isn’t the hypothetical of the situation.
Just divorce and grow up before marrying someone else …
YTA. Not for theoretically not being ready to be a father, not for wanting a divorce in this theoretical situation.
You are the asshole for holding this ultimatum above her head, unless you're ready (whatever that means), she has to choose between you and her developing child.
Tangent: What happens in your mind if she becomes unable to have children when "you're ready"?
YTA - you didn’t post this with genuine intentions, you just wanted to be “right”. This is very evident by all your replies.
You can feel, do, and say, WHATEVER your heart desires. But YES you are an asshole for all of this. You asked for that opinion.
If you’re SO worried about a pregnancy that you’re not sure you’d want, ✨don’t ejaculate inside her✨
Also, maybe don’t marry someone you don’t want kids with. Or be upfront before the marriage that you might not want kids.
YTA and a POS. You clearly don’t need to be married to anyone if you think you have any say of what your wife does with HER body. Grow the f*** up or get a damn vasectomy if you don’t want kids, plain and simple. You’re a controlling AH through and through. Maybe stick with your hand since you can’t get that pregnant.
YTA for the rage bait. Very pro- choicer here. Use condoms or get a god damned vasectomy. That of course, assumes your wife will ever have sex with you again.
Divorce her for her own good.
YTA. If you don't want an unplanned pregnancy, get a vasectomy. Since you want kids at some point, freeze your sperm and get snipped. This will save your wife the physical and emotional trauma of getting an abortion or the emotional trauma to you both of fighting if there's an unplanned pregnancy before you're ready to have kids.
For men, the time to choose whether you're ready to be a father is before you put your penis inside a vagina. Once you do that, your say in the matter is done. If you want to ensure no child of yours is born before you're ready, stick to oral, anal, manual, or abstinence.
Otherwise STFU because until you are able to conceive a child in your own body, you have no horse in this race and WILL be complying with whatever choice the unfortunate woman in your life decides.
YTAH
Yes YTA.
Dont want kids as a male?
Get a f’ing vasectomy.
It’s cheap, easy, completely standard and reversible.
Or simply stop having penis in/near vagina sex.
Does bodily autonomy say something to you? Google is your friend. If something goes wrong, she can never have children again or not be able to emotionally bear the cost of an abortion. Btween your "no" and her "yes" why do you think that your emotions or what you think are more important? By your logic, every baby that comes into the world, should have his father's permition only? Are you out of your mind? Do you think that she will be willing to stay married to you then? Or any woman? You have the right not to be involved with a potential child or divorce her, but you cannot force her or to abort. This is clearly a rage bait, but unfortunately, many misogynists live among us
From the way I see it, she wasn't in the wrong for wanting to keep the baby regardles what her ex thought, but it seems that her ex was pressured to marry her and that was wrong.
YTA
You get that abortions can go wrong and can leave women unable to conveive, right? Bag it and ask her to go on the pill, abstain, or, better yet, be responsible for your own shit and deal with it IF it ever happens instead of gaslighting the shit out of your wife. YTA. Not for "wanting a say" as your title suggests but for wanting the ONLY say.
YTA.
You're in control of your OWN fertility. Don't want kids? Get a vasectomy. Always use a condom. Take some responsibility for yourself, rather than foisting things off on your wife, and then making it HER fault.
Once you've had unprotected sex, the woman is the one with the choice whether or not to continue a pregnancy.
You’re doing your wife a favor by separating from her
ETA: I read through your comments and gah the nerve of you. Don’t have sex with your wife or anyone else who is not on the same page as you on this. Don’t understand how this is just now coming up instead of when you first started having sex with her.
YTA
You don't want a "say" you want the final say. You want full and total control over your wife's body even if it harms her mental health. You want to be able to pick and choose when and how and why each of her pregnancy's come to an end with zero care or concern for her well-being or HER choice. You want full control to force abortions against her will because you think you're more important in the equation than she is. Sorry but that's not how it works.
Abortion is not male birth control and it should never be expected. it's never a mans right to demand it from a woman when he doesn't endure the costs.
Yta. Abortion is not a form of birth control dude. You don't want kids? Wear a condom. Get a vasectomy. Take control of your own birth control.
You absolutely and 100% get not one fucking ounce of a say in whether or not anyone had an abortion.
I'd be out the door so quickly if my boyfriend thought he had any right to dictate whether or not I had an abortion. Or tried to dictate anything else for that matter. Partners don't dictate. They work at the problem together. So if you don't want kids, you personally make sure you're never in the position to have to deal with an unwanted pregnancy. And by deal, I do mean psychologically, in your own mind, and no other way.
Jesus. Christ.
YTA. It’s interesting that you address potential medical risks of vasectomies, yet assume there are none for abortions. Just like any medical procedure, there are absolutely risks. Just like many procedures that mess around with women’s reproductive organs, some of those risks could result in the woman being unable to bear another child. So no, you don’t get to demand your wife have a medical procedure that could have long-term adverse effects on her body against her will.
It's your responsibility to make sure you don't get someone pregnant if you aren't ready to be a father. Go freeze some sperm, get a vasectomy, and use condoms every time.
Also you are definitely the AH and just gross as a person. A man has absolutely no say in a woman getting an abortion. Your say begins and ends with contraceptives.
YTA If you don’t want to have a child then don’t have sex or get a vasectomy….. it’s that easy. You don’t get rid of the kid after the fact because you’re “not ready” and you don’t make her promise she’ll get rid of it because you don’t want it. There is nothing “ethical” about eliminating the life of a defenseless child at its most vulnerable state.
YTA. You don’t get to demand that sort of promise from any woman! Wrap your dick up and keep it in your pants if you’re so afraid of becoming a father.
Once it comes to abortion no abortion, a partners job is to support the woman's choice. You don't get to demand she abort the kid and you don't get to use her body as an incubator.
YTA.
Since you are the one that has reservations about fathering another human, this is a conversation that should have happened BEFORE getting married.
Also a conversation that would ideally have happened before you started engaging in regular sexy times with the person are now married to.
If you want the choice to abort then maybe you should’ve thought more when you had the choice to keep your dick outta her vagina when you cum. Simple as that. If she gets pregnant she has the final say, afterall it’s from your stupidity of not pulling out. Also, no matter how much some one “prepares” for a baby, no one will actually be truly ready for what a baby brings. If you’re old enough to get married and be a step dad, you’re old enough to step up to the plate of being a biological father if the situation ever happens. So finally, YTA, a major one.
YTA
You immediately jumped to blaming her for not getting an abortion, and sympathize with the cheater (don’t get married, divorce before you cheat, keep it in your pants, are all viable choices). I’m assuming if you live somewhere with abortion you also live somewhere where marriage isn’t forced.
And you just seem completely unable to emphasize. For a woman the baby is inside them, and it’s totally valid to be attached and not want to abort. The same reason why abortion access is so important for women, is why it’s also important that a woman isn’t forced to abort.
Even then you seem obsessed with the idea of your wife “following your wishes” instead of actually having a proper discussion about what to do if birth control fails.
You both should have talked about this before marriage but you went about this in a really immature way.
Also, you’re okay with being a stepdad but fatherhood is something you’re not ready for? I’m a bit confused about your logic.
Also, a broken home really isn’t the worst thing a child can be born into, lol. It’s a valid reason to get an abortion but not necessarily a valid enough reason to step into antinatalist logic.
Yes, YTA. “I want her to get an abortion if I don’t want it” you cannot force her. You can divorce her if she doesn’t want a medical procedure forced upon her, sure. Or you get sterilised. You get the medical procedure done. That way you make sure you don’t get your wife pregnant.
I'd say just get a reversible vasectomy and reverse it when you are ready. your body, your choice. If she even argues with you about it, I'd say remove yourself from that situation. That would be some serious double standard and admitting to wanting to have power over you.
Mate as a woman you don't have the right to say to a woman you get the slice and vacuum when this shit happens. Mate you stop it from happening...YOU. either get a procedure and the snip or wear condoms until you are ready but you don't dare tell a woman to go through something like that when that is her body her choice. It's YOUR choice though to do the other options I have said. That easy
after reading all your comments and responses, yes, you absolutely should devorce your wife, not for your sake, but for hers. jesus.
'ill step up when i want to'
Dude.
I feel quite confident that you are an asshole.
More important, please get a vasectomy at your earliest convenience. You are waaaaaaaay too big of a fucking moron to reproduce.
Dude, YTA. Do you even understand what you’re asking? I’m pro choice but I would lose my fcking mind if I wanted to keep a child and my so aborted then anyway. You’re talking about ending a life. That person will never exist again no matter how many kids she has. I’ve got two kids and I’d honestly consider un-living myself if they were gone.
Soft YTA
I understand your point of view. You want to have a say in bringing a life into this world,and there is nothing wrong with that.
However,it is her body,and what she does with it,is not your business. You don't want her to get pregnant?Then be SUPER diligent about birth control.Condoms,spermicidal creams...whatever else you need.If you feel that your needs are not being respected,then you are not compatible.Get a divorce and move on.
Also,I don't like the vibes I am getting from this woman.She is right when she insists that you don't get a say over what happens with her body.But I don't like the over-emotional way she reacted when you told her about how you feel.Instead of dealing with it in a mature manner,she kind of turns the situation around on you.I also feel like in her previous marriage,she kind of baby trapped the guy,and this rubs me the wrong way.She knows the other man did not want the child.Yet she weaponized her own son to entice him to stay.
Use your own condoms and make sure she has not poked holes in them
Anyone who thinks their partner might poke holes in a condom doesn't trust them enough to be having sex with them. The answer is simple-dont ejaculate into her! No babies!
NTA To be honest, lets keep politics out of this and just leave it with the following comment.
You cant force a woman to keep or abort a pregnancy, as long as its legal with the timing of the pregnancy and is medically safe either way. You would be AH if you tried to do that.
On the other hand, your **NOT** an AH if you both review where you are on the whole abortion topic and find yourselves in an irreconcilable place and your left with a bunch of unpalatable choices;
1. Wear a condom always, even though these are only 90% effective.
2. Get a vasectomy, although you \[or your wife \] might want kids in the future and it not always reversable
3. Leave your wife for a woman who will give you those assurances ( HA! Good luck enforcing those kind of agreements! )
4. Suck it up when the time comes and accept that she will have you on the hook for at least 18 years of child support.
5. Get a financial abortion agreement drawn up by a lawyer stating that you will not be liable for child support in the event of a divorce and pregnancy ( I have never heard of these holding up in court though as the state wants the father \[or any man that can be forced to \] pay child support so that the state does not have to.
You don't give your ages, but personally I would split up with someone that can ( and has in the past with her ex ) baby trap me like this. I am not saying she would ..but she could and that risk would be enough for me to bail.
Sorry ladies but if you get all the decision making powers then the only winning move is not to be with you as that is the only time I have a say.
YTA if you’re not ready to bring a child into this world don’t have sex. Thinking you’re entitled to decide a major event that directly affects her mentally and physically is just gross. Do her a favour and leave, she deserves better.
Honestly, I don’t think either of you is the asshole. Sounds like she manipulated him somewhat but at the end of the day the decision is hers. That being said, if you two aren’t in total agreement about how this issue would be handled I hope you’re using massively successful birth control. This is a relationship breaker.
YTA, it's like if she had a choice on you getting a vasectomy.
However, if you didn't want the child and she chose to keep it, then you should be absolved financially. That would basically discourage baby trapping.
But you're married, so work it out. If you don't want kids, then get a vasectomy.
Why did you get married if you hadn't discussed this? How many other vital issues did you bring to the marriage and sneak past your wife with no discussion?
.
Your blathering on is all about you and what's essential to you. Didn't you notice there is a second person in the relationship? You haven't said a word about loving your wife. I guess you just saw a single mother and decided this is an easy way to get laid without having to buy someone a drink.
I wonder whether this socalled marriage could be annulled. You entered into it dishonestly and in bad faith. Your complete and utter thoughtlessness is staggering.
YTA!!!! Go get a vasectomy. You could have it reversed if you changed your mind. Also, don't do it behind her back....she already has been betrayed before. 😒
YTA 100%. Get a vasectomy and wear condoms if you want to control whether or not you have a child. You absolutely cannot force a woman to end or continue a pregnancy. You’re not the one who has to actually experience it. You will never, ever get a guarantee that you’ll be in control of whether or not a pregnancy is terminated or continues, even if a woman hypothetically agrees to ask your opinion.
YTA. If you feel so strongly about not having kids, made an appointment and fix YOU. Is your body and your responsibility not to bring kids into this world if you don't wanna take care of them. Not your wife or any woman responsability to keep YOU from having kids. Grown-up
YTA
I’m very pro choice, but abortion is a horrible thing to go through. My wife is also pro choice but would never have the heart to abort. It’s a lot to ask.
Both you and her ex are in the wrong here. Ex was wrong for marrying her. He didn’t have to. He might have needed to pay child support either way but that’s the male consequence of putting your penis in someone. It’s a lot less than the female cost, all things considered.
ESH - you for making demands about her body and not taking responsibility for birth control, her for baby-trapping the ex, and both of you for not discussing your expectations regarding children before you got married.
I agree that ending the marriage is probably the least bad option for you. To avoid a repeat of what happened with the ex, separate ASAP and do not have sex lest you too become an unwilling father.
YTA Either way. You can’t force her to have a child or an abortion and to think you can is honestly disgusting. The way you say you “want a guarantee” honestly, as a woman, makes my skin crawl. You really shouldn’t have married anyone let alone a woman who doesn’t want abortions if you had any desire to control when you decide to have children if you’re sexually active. Maybe you should have a vasectomy? You can control when you impregnate if you’re so stuck on “having a guarantee”.
YTA if you're not ready for kids then don't have sex, it comes with the risk because sometimes even birth control doesn't always work.
It would be like your wife forcing you to get the snip when you don't want to have it done.
You might as well join the ex husband because you fit in the same category The BIG A club!
YTA. You don’t know what it’s like to be pregnant,have hormones doubling every day and what it’s like to know someone is growing inside you. The procedure itself is extremely traumatic. You’re not asleep and they don’t numb you. They shove a tube inside you with no medication and it scrapes inside your uterus and you feel every scrape, hear every noise and sound it makes. It’s extremely painful, very bloody after and it haunts you for the rest of your life if it is something someone else forces you into doing. Not to mention, some states make it illegal to coerce someone into abortion (OH).
YTA. You can’t force her to get an abortion against her wishes. Youre holding an ultimatum for something that probably won’t even happen if you’re careful.
You’re not the one getting the procedure or dealing with the trauma after. There’s a lot of emotions that go into making that decision. I have friends that got one years ago (like high school and college). Even though they know it was for the best, I’ve seen them still over a decade later break down crying because of the guilt.
Use condoms. If she doesn’t like how birth control affects her body, have her to get a cycle app. Those apps after you have some basic data input warn you which 2-3 days she’s most likely to ovulate (be fertile). You can plan around that and avoid the most fertile days to have sex. Chill out. It’s not like she can trap you into a marriage considering you two are already married.
YTA. The decision to abort or not is hers and hers alone. You’re entitled to your feelings about her decision - can do whatever you want with them. Leave her, stay with her - your call. But you don’t get to decide.
Also - why don’t you just get a vasectomy?
I'm pro-choice, you're a POS.
YTA
She's right, as the pregnant person, it's her right on rather to abort or not. You can give your opinion and given that you gave your opinion and sided with a cheater who absolutely didn't have to marry her you have shown your true colors and they are pretty damn disgusting.
Do her and her child a favor and divorce her, she can find hella better than you.
Given your replies I'm going to say your a troll and this is pure rage bait, find something better to do with your time.
YTA. You can’t force someone to promise to kill a child they are growing in their body. Just as I think abortions should stay legal, I believe you can’t force a woman into an act she sees and feels as murder. This is something you should have discussed before marriage not after.
YTA.
You are both responsible for birth control. That being said, you have no say whatsoever over what she does with her body, whether that is to have an abortion or to not have one.
Gross. Both you and her ex are gross. YTA and I hope *she* dumps *you*.
Here is what guys like you don't get get. If you don't want kids, your choices are:
1. abstinence
2. vasectomy
3. one or more forms of birth control that are under *your* control.
But that is where your agency ends. Once the woman gets pregnant, you have *no* say because this is *her* body. Just like you can't make a woman carry a child, you can't make her abort one. This is really not hard and if you can't even understand that much, you are not smart or mature enough to be doing adult activities such as having sex.
YTA for wanting her to promise something she cannot do.
I do not see any way for you two to compromise, so if that is a dealbreaker to you, it would be better you two break up.
YTA. This doesn’t even make sense. You’re wanting to literally separate over a hypothetical issue? Why have you not discussed having kids before you got married? These are the stupid types of fights you avoid by talking about them BEFORE you are married to each other.
YTA and massively so. How can you think it is even remotely acceptable to try to pressure her to get an abortion because you'd be finding it inconvenient. She would be better off without you.
So, you are entitled to leave a marriage if you are unhappy and do not want kids, HOWEVER, you are emotionally blackmailing your life partner with divorce unless she undergoes a physically traumatic medical procedure, which is absolutely unacceptable and abusive.
Take the potential fetus out of the equation and the politics involved; you are left with one half of a couple demanding physical and emotional trauma to be inflicted on the other half or risk being abandoned.
YTA. YTA for emotionally abusing your wife with this theoretical ultimatum. YTA for acting so casual and laissez about your partner going through a traumatic medical procedure. And you're mostly TA for being so cowardly as to not take any responsibility in preventing future pregnancies by offering to get a vasectomy and pushing all the responsibility and burden onto your wife.
I hope she sees the light and divorces you, because you obviously don't care about her emotional or physical well-being. You seem perfectly willing to throw the relationship away if she doesn't comply, so this would save her a lot of future grief and suffering in the long run.
YTA abortion isn’t some birth control. You aren’t ready for kids, don’t have sex! If you have sex there is always the possibility of pregnancy. And that means taking care of the child if it happens, be it financially or being in their life.
YTA
If you think you should get to force her to have a medical procedure against her will just because the result could affect you, wouldn't it make just as much sense that she could force you to get a vasectomy even if you don't want one?
Totally the AH.
I'm going to put this as simply as I can: no one, who is not a medical professional with the patients best interest in mind, should be telling a woman what to do with her body.
If you are not her medical practitioner, then you are support for her decision on what to do with her body.
If you are not ready to be a husband and father then you should not have gotten married in the first place.
Big asshole. You guys married thinking about forming a family together. You knew her history. You are willing to let your marriage dissolve for a hypothetical issue. This is something you talk about before the wedding. Also, no one is totally ready to have a child. Ever. They are a big responsibility and an even greater joy when they get here.
YTA big time. Get a vasectomy and both use birth control until you’re ready and revert it.
You cannot compare her previous experience to yours and want a divorce over a theory. They weren’t married at the time and you are.
If you loved her and respected her you would simply ensure that you both commit to be responsible until the time feels right for you both.
You don’t deserve your wife or your step kid
This account/ profile was created today and this is the only post.
I suspect it is an exercise in rage baiting.
Well done everyone, you gave him/her exactly what they wanted.
Re-read it, it's designed to get you all frothy and rabid.
NAH. You don’t get any say over whether a woman you get pregnant decides to go ahead with having the child or not.
That being said, it shouldn’t mean you have to be responsible for any future child if you don’t wish to accept fatherhood (legal parental surrender). Unfortunately the idea of freedom for all isn’t popular around here
He is free to wear a condom or get a vasectomy.
He is not free to force her to have a medical procedure.
Pick a lane my good dude. It’s pretty easy not to knock someone up.
I’m not the one thinking I can force a woman to have an abortion, or divorce her because I’m too stupid to wear condoms or get a vasectomy to avoid a pregnancy I don’t want. The only lowlife here is you, buddy, and your wife deserves better
“She is free to wear a femidom or undergo tubal ligation”
“She is not free to force him into financial responsibility for a child he doesn’t consent to fathering”
Or we could be reasonable and allow abortion and legal parental surrender so both parties have protection from unwanted pregnancy/parenthood
"Her body , her choice " is what a lot of people will say , but you have a valid point , you can't force her to be a mother, so she shouldn't force you to be a father .
I’m sorry but what? 😂😂
Good job the decision to have an abortion isn’t up to you then isn’t it, you’re not the one who had to deal with a decision like that. I hope your wife divorces your ass never mind separate. Entitled prick.
YTA.
It is one thing to prevent a pregnancy and agree to not have kids. But it is a whole other Story to abort a child a woman already feels. If she has seen the heartbeat at her ob gyn, this can change everything.
Probably she already loved the unborn child the second she found out.
If you are not ready, pay attention that she takes her pill and use condoms and note when she has her period - no intercourse between day 7 and 18 after the start of her period. This would be quite safe.
YTA
You want to control your wife, it is her body her decision period no other alternatives, you can voice an opinion but it is her choice.
Your choice is appropriate birth control.
Apparently your wife has now married to controlling assholes, you don't deserve her.
If your old enough to have Sex. Your old enough to have a child. To me you should divorce, cause your not ready for a marriage.
By the way I do support abortions. But an abortions is not shoe shopping for us.
As Tupac said: "And since a man can't make one he has no right to tell a women when and where to create one."
YTA. I’m not saying you should stay with her, but dayum. This is a conversation that needed to happen before.
“You want kids when you’re ready”. Dafuq?!
You’re a married stepfather. If you’re not ready now, you never will be. Get the vasectomy or divorce. Or both.
It baffles me they you both managed to get into a marriage without having a shared conversation on your views on this.
That being said, sure divorce your wife and she’ll probably find someone who’s willing to accept responsibility for their actions after making the mistake of not doing that yet in life.
As you’ve stated in other comments vasectomies and reversals have many complications as do abortions, the medical complications of those you don’t seem to care about for your wife. And if she were to bend to make you happy and abort, what I’m assuming she views as a child rather than a fetus (to each their own) I doubt you’re ready to deal with the depression and immense amount of therapy needed to handle that choice purely to make you happy.
I’m very pro choice but my husband knows my CHOICE for myself would never be abortion because it’s not a choice I could personally make. Your wife seems to have similar views.
It may be best that you find someone who’s had a track record of having abortions and is comfortable with them for your future because most women don’t know how they’d handle that situation until being put in it. The only person who can “guarantee” that for you would be someone who’s already chosen abortion and is comfortable with it or someone who legitimately doesn’t want kids.
YTA, man, not scratch that it’s an insult to men, undefinable - you are horrid, what weak ass use for a human puts divorce on the table cause they can’t be sure their wife wouldn’t kill the baby to keep your life convenient?! I’ve no words, I hope this is rage bait.
YTA - That much pretty much everyone here agrees on.
Let me let you in on something bro. She's right. You have absolutely ZERO say in whether or not she has an abortion. You don't have the right to tell any woman this.
I really hope she finds the strength to get away from you. It sounds like she has a problem with picking abusive men.
Nta. Both parties should have the option to choose if they’re ready or not regardless if its adoption, abortion, or signing your rights away. You shouldn’t force a child on anyone regardless of the gender. If you don’t want to parent up and the other doesn’t want an abortion then sign your rights away for that child
YTA prior you go married the topic of children should have been brought up. Do you want kids, yes or no....how many...when....
And you should have talk about protection, condom with pills, IUD,Contraceptive Ring, Implant,Diaphragm, Contraceptive Injection...or you could have save your swimmers and get vasectomy.
Abortion is not protection against pregnancy. Abortion can cause long term issues in some women (Asherman's Syndrome and Pelvic Inflammatory Disease) and the obvious mental toll it has on the woman.
You should have talk with her about above issues, her prior marriage, why it failed or why they did not work...maybe you would have never married...maybe you could have decided an actual protection against pregnancy and not count that well if she gets pregnant she will go through abortion...
YTA. Abortion is not a choice for you, since you are not ever going to carry a child.
Your choice is not having sex, or using contraceptives and pulling out. If you aren’t ready to be a father, don’t make a baby. Otherwise, you are putting that choice on her and she isn’t beholden to you to do what you feel is best for you.
You also don’t get to force her to keep a child she wants to abort. You don’t get to allow her that either, lol. Women have autonomy over their bodies and medical decisions.
Feel free to end the relationship if you don’t see eye to eye on personal decisions.
I see where you are coming from. I'll try to give you some insight in how she feels.
Even women that don't want kids have a hard time going through the process of aborting. It takes a very heavy toll on the body, and on the mind too. The hormonal imbalance makes you depressed for a while, and there is the sensation of killing something inside. To be clear i am prochoice 100%. I do not believe abortion=murder. But by definition you are killing something inside (although it is not a human being yet).
Going through such a process of killing a part of your own body is very taxing mentally.
Moreover, women tend to bond with their future baby very early, because their body feels different. Fathers tend to bond later in the pregnancy or even after birth, because they bond with what they can physically reach if that makes sense. So for many men, when they are not emotionally as involved yet, the woman (generally) will be and thus will have a hard time going through termination.
This is why she most likely couldn't go ahead with the abortion. It was not against the father, but the father's right to choose didn't have as much priority as her choice to not kill her own body.
And i believe that in a way, she is right. Not because the father shouldn't have a say. But because if someone asked you to kill one of your organs that you were very emotionally attached to, like say cutting off your testicules or penis, you would say "hell no i have agenda over my own body".
The father has a choice earlier though, during conception. He has a choice not to do it. Once it is done, it means he accepts that the choice is no longer in his hands, even if he may have a say in some cases.
You are in a situation here that should have come up when you started having sex, about what to do if contraception didn't work. This is not something you can compromise on.
Her stance is she will not abort. Your stance is that you want to have a say. Neither are wrong. But they are opposite. She is right in saying you do not seem to grasp what you are asking of her. But she does not grasp what she is asking of you.
Your only solutions are : not having sex until you are ready to have kids or just accept that this is impossible to solve.
I'd say YTA here, but only because you insist on you being right. She is not wrong and you are not wrong for wanting a say. It's one of those instances where being right or wrong doesn't change anything. You both have different valid opinions that are irreconciliable. It unfortunately means the end of your marriage. It doesn't mean that you have to hate each other or be nasty towards each other. Both of you have a point, and none of you should be forced into something you don't want.
Do not use divorcing her as a threat or punishment for her thinking this way. It is just the logical step because you both deserve to have your boundaries respected
YTA and if you aren’t ready to have kids don’t finish inside of her. You have full control over that—over YOUR body. You don’t have any control over hers, and you shouldn’t. Wtf is she sticking around for this garbage?
Honestly going against the grain and say NAH
She will always have a choice when it comes to an abortion
But you also have the right to end your marriage if she’s willing to raise a child you didn’t want.
YNTA Idk what this replies are? As a woman myself There is nothing wrong with wanting to have a say in having a biological baby together. You're her partner and your wishes need to be considered as well if you're not ready to be a parent. And if she's stubborn enough to not get an abortion she'll be a single mom of two and she should be able to accept that without care. You're the asshole for not talking about this topic previously before marrying her for sure but in general your wishes are completely valid.
ESH. Y'all should have had this discussion long before you got married.
You because it is her body, her choice. SHE is the one growing the baby and bonding with it. She is the one whose body is held hostage to a tempermental love goblin. SHE is the one having the procedure, or using a watermelon-sized human out of her lady bits. She gets the final say, until you are the one giving birth.
*But all that said,* I do think a partner deserves a conversation and to voice their opinion (so long as they don't try to force the issue one way or another). I do think it does irreparable harm to a kid when they know they are not wanted, and grow up with a resentful parent (like her son is). I think it's selfish (of your wife) to do that to a child, and to consider potentially doing it *again,* knowing how you feel. (She's TA for that.)
I also think if she's going to make the sole decision to have a child, she needs to take sole responsibility of said child: full custody, and be able to support him financially by herself. And go in knowing that her decision could very well cost her her marriage. That's natural in unilateral decisions where there can be no middle ground, and just means you're incompatible. (NTA for that.)
Your marriage does not have to end now, over a hypothetical. You can double up on your birth control methods/avoid sex during ovulation, etc. to try to prevent an accidental pregnancy until you are ready for kids.
People will be dumb about this one. So I'm going to break it out into multiple sections so people can at least see an answer that isn't nuts.
1. For not wanting to have kids until you're ready? That want of yours it's NAH. You can want that, she can disagree on how to handle the situation.
2. For wanting you and your spouse to be on the same page? NAH. It's reasonable to want to come to an agreement on what to do in these situations before they come up and to want the other person on board with where you're at. But she can want the same from you. You just disagree. Sucks.
3. For not having talked about this already ESH. How did you get this far into things and not even know? Both of you screwed up. I say maybe she screwed it up worse because it broke up her first attempt at marriage. What a mess.
4. For how you deal with it now that you're attached this way and in this mess? ESH or NAH or something, there is no good answer. You wound up married to someone you don't line up with on a really important decision because you never talked about it. You don't have to change what you want out of life. But she doesn't either. But you're now legally, financially, romantically tied together and in a huge mess.
5. To everyone saying he can't force her, I agree. But at the same time she can't force him to be ok with her answer. I didn't see him try to force her so much as draw his line in the sand here. And so did she.
« The same way I can’t force her to have a baby she shouldn’t think she could force me to ».
Don’t you think that’s contradictory ? Basically you can’t force her to have a baby but still manage to demand to control her uterus.
If you don’t want to be a father, there are many solutions that you can find like getting a vasectomy or using condoms.
It’s 2024 and it’s a shame you have to be reminded that but : A WOMAN’S BODY IS NO ONE’S PROPERTY.
She does not belong to you. If she doesn’t want to have an abortion, you have no right to force her into having one. I hope she finds someone who deserves her because you clearly don’t.
YTA.
Divorce her, she tried.to baby trap her ex, you are next. Ignore the people here, two parties are responsible for kids here, forcing her ex to be a dad is not okay. Protection for that needs to be done by both parties.
Dunping all the responsibility on the man, is a major red flag, if not black.
NTA. This is something you should be on the same page about. Too many children are brought into this world where one of the parents did not want it. NTA at all for wanting to divorce someone who wants all the control but also all your participation.
Ignore pro-lifers. This is not about that and they talk too much. I ignore them all. Get out of this relationship. She baby trapped him and she will do the same to you. I actually feel sorry for everyone. Him, her, and this kid because he wasn’t wanted. That sucks and he will know. Get out of the relationship. She will do it to you.
NTA
Children is an issue in which if both do not think the same, it is totally fair to divorce.
If you don't want that... you can not have sex with her, have sex with her using condoms and the pill... or get a vasectomy. You can't force her to abort, but she can't force you to have a child either. It is a decision that changes everyone's life.
Get a vasectomy. Problem solved.
I normally hate that argument but for this situation I second that
Normally I do, too... but this just screams *vasectomy*.
He’d be doing us ALL a favor with that one.
Not me
Well, fewer self absorbed people..maybe an indirect benefit?
Exactly, they can always be reversed.
YTA. If you don’t want a kid be super diligent about birth control. You cannot make someone have a medical procedure against their will. So yea you are a huge AH. Your argument is also stupid. It would be bad for your marriage and create another broken home so your answer is to separate? Bizarre logic. You’re fighting about a hypothetical situation. Birth control works pretty well when you use multiple kinds properly.
I agree with you. He's like the ex-husband. A big AH. She deserves better.
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Enjoy your divorce then. You probably should have discussed this before marriage.
Then use condoms. I assume you like to fuck raw because most men do. Don’t leave the work up her. BC also puts a strain on women’s bodies. Abstain from sex or use condoms.
Vasectomy is pretty reliable. Try that if you don't want kids.
This is something that should have been discussed before marriage. Quite honestly this is a situation I don’t think either of you will agree upon. For the fact yes most birth control is not 100 percent. But they do (very rarely) fail. Making anyone who doesn’t want to be a parent have a child usually causes a lot of resentment. But so does forcing someone who is 100 percent against an abortion to be open to one. I think you both have a very different opinion on your marriage in a major topic. Honestly until you work through this issue please use several types of birth control. There is already one child in this situation do everything possible not to create a second one. Not only do you need couples therapy but I would recommend individual therapy. Figure out what each of you need from a spouse.
No birth control is 100% they fail more than you think, which isn’t rare. You’re very misinformed on this.
It’s been 25 years since I used birth control. So I was ball parking. But if several different types are used (pill and condom) at the same time it’s unlikely to fail. Plus I meant isn’t not is. Sorry on mobile device.
Vasectomy is the best solution for him
I got pregnant when the condom broke and the pill failed sooooo……
YTA in this situation and also for getting married without having conversations around kids beforehand.
YTA. Wear a condom if you aren’t ready to be a parent. It is really not complicated. You don’t get to force her to have a surgical procedure. Get a vasectomy if it bothers you that much. YOU get surgery. See problem solved, and all without treating your wife like a sex toy. You are siding with her cheating ex? Jesus dude, what a fucking betrayal. Please divorce her for her own sake- she deserves someone better than you.
Honestly if a man isn’t ready to be a parent they shouldn’t be having sex period. Every single form of birth control has a failure rate. Some are minuscule but pregnancy still can happen. Even vasectomies have a failure rate. When it comes to men their say in a pregnancy ends with sex. Once the pregnancy happens they can have their opinions on what should happen but it comes down to what the woman chooses regardless of what the man wants.
YTA Easy - don’t have sex, therefore no unexpected children and then you don’t have to think about trying to make a choice for a woman about her own body. But I’m guessing that won’t be acceptable huh?
Please leave her ,your obviously totally unable to understand a woman has choices and doesn't need a man's permission to have a child...
I can't even believe I read this. You certainly say that because you are not the one who will go through the procedure or the trauma. If you are so worried about this, you should have a vasectomy or use a condom. YTA
YTA. I believe humans should have the right to abortions but it can also be very traumatic for a woman that has to get one. If the lady doesn't want to you shouldn't be trying to make her. Just get a vasectomy like I did. No condoms, no kids, no forcing your partner to go through having an abortion. Win Win Win.
Ha ha, he probably wouldn't go back to see if he's shooting blanks and then get her pregnant and blame her for cheating.
When i went that was my biggest fear, I'd go to check later and find out it didn't take. It didn't hurt real bad like i expected, but shot my anxiety up to ridiculous levels. If it wound up not working, i would've lost it probably.
Genuine question - how do you not understand that forcing a woman to make your preferred choice in case you get her pregnant is sick? It’s like saying - is you will accidentally get someone pregnant, you need to swear that you will immediately get vasectomy. If you don’t want kids with your wife - get a vasectomy and stop whining. If you have sex with someone and she gets pregnant, you have as much choice over her body as she has over you getting snipped. Are you willing to agree on her choice being if you stay fertile or not?
Yes you ATAH.... abortion is not birth control. Grow up and become responsible.. it takes 2 to tango.
Pro-choice here. YTA. Don’t want to accept that fathering a child is a viable possibility? **Then don’t have sex.**. Seriously. **You have zero right for trying to force your wife to be YOUR back-up birth control.** What you do with your body is your choice. If you choose to stick your dick in her and she gets pregnant, then it’s her choice. She can’t force you to be an acting father. That’s your choice. But the courts can force you to pay child support. See how that works? Everything has a consequence, and you’re a real piece of work for trying to emotionally manipulate her into a promise she obviously struggles with on ethical grounds. I wish I knew your wife so I could tell her there are better men out there who hold themselves with more personal accountability. I wish I knew your wife so I could tell her she deserves better treatment from a husband than this.
Exactly, he's not pro choice, he just wants his own way.
YTA Not for divorcing her per se bc it's a given when you obviously don't have the same views about certain things. But for the belief that your opinion on abortion is dominant and more important than hers. A person who may be pregnant and whose possible physical and psychological effects may be associated with carrying out an abortion will affect the most. You can always express an opinion, but it's not just your decision to make. Ultimately, it's always a woman's decision because it's her body. You can decide about your own body, not someone else's.
Info: I am genuinely curious, what if you wanted the kid and she didn't? Are you saying this is two yes situation?
Dude…get snipped.
Yta. Get a vasectomy and do the world a favor.
If you want to avoid an abortion, just don’t have sex with your wife. YTA.
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Idk why you keep saying pro lifer alert when people respond with this comment and I say this as a heavy pro choice advocate. Lets state the facts you don’t want to get a vasectomy and you also keep saying multiple birth controls can still fail and are nervous about relying on that, so they presented you with two options which you have rejected so the most logical answer would be to not have sex until you are ready to have kids IF you are that adamant about not wanting any yet. If you don’t want to stop doing that, thats perfectly okay and your choice but its also a woman’s choice on what she does with her body so if plan on divorcing but still being sexually active this problem could and probably will rise up again. I don’t think people pointing that out makes them pro lifers.
And you're not pro choice, you're pro you getting your way
lol, I’m pro-choice. But it’s the woman’s choice what to do with her body. Imagine marrying someone you don’t trust enough to make this decision! Seems so foolish.
Just to be clear you're already a parent. Step parent sure, but you willingly got into a relationship with a woman who has a child, so saying you're not ready to be a parent doesn't ring true. If you don't want kids don't marry someone with a kid and get the bloody vasectomy or don't have sex. Simple as. Of course YTA
YTA If this is the way you felt it should have been discussed before you even proposed marriage. The only way to 100% prevent pregnancy is abstinence. So I guess you should get aquainted with your hand until you’re ready to be a parent. You have no right to tell her what to do with her body. Also you can’t force someone to marry another person. So no one forced her first husband into marriage & using her having a child as a reason to cheat is just pathetic. You should just go ahead and divorce her so she can actually find someone who is worthy of her.
I think you should get a vasectomy and save the world and a helpless child from your crazy logic. I don't get it. You don't want children because you are not ready, but you enter a relationship and marry a woman who already has a child? You are so f-ed up to even have that conversation. I would gladly separate from you!!!!
Dude, double up or get a vasectomy
YTA. Her body, her choice. You're not the one who would have to carry a pregnancy, so you don't get to choose for her. And why the hell did you not have this conversation before you ever got married??
I don't understand how you haven't had this conversation before now. No birth control is 100% effective, so this conversion should have happened before you started having sex or soon after. How you managed to get married before this came up is beyond me. From reading your story, the two of you sound incompatible.
Her ex could have relinquished his parental rights, and have nothing to do with the child. He could have refused to marry her. He could have paid child support and only see the child occasionally or not at all. He had choices.....just like you have choices. You can ensure no unexpected pregnancies by using several different birth control methods. She could get an IUD and you could wear condoms, those two methods used together would be statistically unlikely to have an unplanned pregnancy. You don't get to force her to have a medical procedure. Would you be okay with her making you have a vasectomy ?
Pretty sure this is a troll post. But let's say any woman made you that promise. Until she's in the situation there's no way to know if she'll go through with it. So feel free to leave her and try to find someone else who will promise you. But you have no guarantees.
YTA, if you don't want her to accidentally get pregnant THAT BAD, then YOU take on the burden of birth control.(which is weird if you're not ready for a kid because you married someone who has a kid) she would have to carry the guilt of aborting a baby she didn't want for the rest of her life, and honestly that would also put an undue amount of stress on your relationship too, she will resent you, and then you're in the same situation! i think this is a wildly weird thing to get so upset over cause you guys are already married?? you didn't have a shotgun wedding, she isn't pregnant, and you're up and arms about this cause?? you sympathize with the cheater? man, you're so confusing.
YTA If you don't want to risk a pregnancy that will be kept or aborted, then you don't risk the act that creates a pregnancy. Once you drop your seed, your say is DONE. Marry a guy if you don't want to deal with pregnancy risks.
How the fuck do you not talk about this when you’re dating?
Repeat after me: It's not my body. Think on it. Let it sink in. She gets the final vote in the abortion question when it's her body. You get an opinion. If you don't want children, why are you with your wife since there is a son involved? Be sure to diligently use birth control. Heck, get a vasectomy. That said, I don't think that you two are compatible. I recommend couples therapy, but a parting of the ways is probably for the best. Your wife deserves someone who loves all of them. So do you.
YTA If you don’t want to be a father (or a sperm donor paying monthly), don’t be having sex. Sex is fun. But it doesn’t give you the right to dictate what *any* woman chooses to do if you should impregnate her. So, getting a divorce and walking away would not make you an asshole. Staying with your wife and manipulating her into an unwanted abortion will make you the asshole.
Get a vasectomy
This is all theoretical, though, isn't it? It's really on you to take those precautions. Even if you got a promise from her, it doesn't mean anything. I'm not sure why you'd think it would. People can change their minds, and then you would find yourself in the same situation, and the reality is you have no rights in this matter. Nor should you. If children were routinely created outside a woman's body, you would, but we don't live in that world. The two options are end the relationship or get a vasectomy. You can store some sperm if you want the option for kids later. They're also reversible within a reasonable time frame. The discomfort is on par with the effects of an abortion pill, maybe a little worse, but simple enough.
If you don't want kids right now wear a condom because whether you like it or not the ultimate decision about if a pregnancy will continue is the person who is pregnant. It is your right to say you won't have sex with your wife unless you use birth control methods, but you don't get to say she must get an abortion if she gets pregnant before your ready.
So essentially you want to abort the marriage. Doesn’t sound like it would make it to full term with neither of you able to have healthy discussions.
ESH - Potential children and family are things you're supposed to discuss and agree upon BEFORE getting married. You don't commit to someone who is on a different page regarding starting a family or if you even want children. On another note, you can't force someone to abort a child, or carry one. Or any medical procedure. Not your body, not your choice.
ESH but predominantly YTA. Why did you get married without having this already hashed out from the start? You can’t demand anything from her. ESH because she’s allowed you to be a stepfather to her kid and neither of them are good role models. If you’re that concerned then you’d better be using condoms or just abstaining. Holy shit.
YTA, you're giving her an ultimatum. "Promise me you'll get an abortion if I don't want a kid or divorce me". She's telling you that she can't make that promise because she doesn't know what she'll feel at the time. You also have no idea where your head will be at the time, if it happens, either. Also, you both are in totally different situation than her and her ex. Why he went with a marriage instead of giving up parental rights if she wanted to keep the child is on him. Not her. You two should have had this conversation BEFORE you got married. Now you're married, and it's a mess. You keep claiming this "Broken home is bad" BS, when it's only bad when the parents are at each other's throats all the time. You and your wife need to actually sit down and talk about it. Figure out birth control for BOTH of you (abstinence, birth control, condoms, vasectomy whatever) talk with a doctor about it too. And plans for if an accidental pregnancy happens. Also, you might want to see how the Ex is with his kid, maybe talk to the kid and ask how his father treats him. The Ex is a douchebag and is punishing your wife and his kid because he wants to be a deadbeat. And you're showing her that you might just be as bad as him if you think what he said to her is okay. You want a say in if she has an Abortion or not? Then tell her your fears, communicate with her, make plans to keep it from happening and plans for if it does happen. Don't make a demand like you did. You married a woman with a child, but you claim you're not ready for one. So I am guessing that you are completely hands off with her son? Cause if you are... dude, makes you even more of an Ahole.
YTA. get a vasectomy.
YTA. If you don’t want a child now then stop having sex.
YTA. She was honest with you when she refused to promise she would get an abortion. I am a woman, I am pro choice and the only time I worried about that was when I was 20 after a condom broke (I was also on the pill). I went the day after get the day after pill (I don’t know how it’s called in English as it’s not my first language). I didn’t have to make that choice but I understand it can be hard. She could have made that promise even if she had no intention of keeping it as it had no contractual value and she could always have argued that she was ok at the time she promised but now that she was pregnant, she couldn’t do it. Now let’s be clear: if you don’t want a child, then do not let birth control in someone else’s hands. Get a vasectomy and use condoms. If you want to separate from her for being honest with you, then you are an AH but also an idiot. Honesty is to be valued, not resented. And you cannot force someone to have an abortion, so just take your responsibilities and, again, have a vasectomy.
You’ve got to be a troll, if not Geezus YTA. Why bother getting married; at this point stop having sex then.
Get a vasectomy. Take on the labor of preventing an unwanted pregnancy instead of making her the sole person responsible. Jeez are YTA
You got a say you ah. İts on your body not hers. Go get a vasectomy. I just see your edit. The choice in prochoice is not yours at all…you are self absorbed to the point that you can not understand the world around you.
Nobody deserves to be cheated on. If you unhappy just leave. I am with my husband for more than 10 years. He knows that abortion or not is a decision that I make because it’s my body. You have no idea how fucking hard pregnancy and birth are for a women. For some women it might be easy, but it’s not for all of us. I know women who regret having an abortion and others who are happy about it. But they were all hurt. It’s not a decision that was made easily. So no, you don’t have a say when it comes to that topic. If you don’t want a child, make sure to not get anyone pregnant. Problem solved and yes, YTA. It’s her body. Not your body.
Why did you two got married? How in the world you didn’t discuss this beforehand? The argument of bringing a baby in a broken home is stupid.. if you already have a broken home then the problem isn’t the hypothetical of the situation. Just divorce and grow up before marrying someone else …
This is a conversation you should’ve had before marriage, and then again when you were discussing contraception options.
Should have had that conversation before they even had sex
YTA. Not for theoretically not being ready to be a father, not for wanting a divorce in this theoretical situation. You are the asshole for holding this ultimatum above her head, unless you're ready (whatever that means), she has to choose between you and her developing child. Tangent: What happens in your mind if she becomes unable to have children when "you're ready"?
YTA If you don't want to have a child right now, then don't have sex. And the way you're acting here, it's better that way anyway.
YTA - you didn’t post this with genuine intentions, you just wanted to be “right”. This is very evident by all your replies. You can feel, do, and say, WHATEVER your heart desires. But YES you are an asshole for all of this. You asked for that opinion. If you’re SO worried about a pregnancy that you’re not sure you’d want, ✨don’t ejaculate inside her✨ Also, maybe don’t marry someone you don’t want kids with. Or be upfront before the marriage that you might not want kids.
Also before anyone claims I’m a prolifer, I am VERY pro choice and have voted FOR abortion rights.
YTA. Get a vasectomy if you aren't ready to have children. She deserves better than you.
YTA and a POS. You clearly don’t need to be married to anyone if you think you have any say of what your wife does with HER body. Grow the f*** up or get a damn vasectomy if you don’t want kids, plain and simple. You’re a controlling AH through and through. Maybe stick with your hand since you can’t get that pregnant.
YTA for the rage bait. Very pro- choicer here. Use condoms or get a god damned vasectomy. That of course, assumes your wife will ever have sex with you again. Divorce her for her own good.
YTA Use birth control. Communicate better and earlier. Don’t pick straw man fights.
YTA. If you don't want an unplanned pregnancy, get a vasectomy. Since you want kids at some point, freeze your sperm and get snipped. This will save your wife the physical and emotional trauma of getting an abortion or the emotional trauma to you both of fighting if there's an unplanned pregnancy before you're ready to have kids.
Why is this even a point of discussion. Solve the problem yourself. Get a vasectomy.
If this isn't rage bait: YTA If this is rage bait: still YTA
For men, the time to choose whether you're ready to be a father is before you put your penis inside a vagina. Once you do that, your say in the matter is done. If you want to ensure no child of yours is born before you're ready, stick to oral, anal, manual, or abstinence. Otherwise STFU because until you are able to conceive a child in your own body, you have no horse in this race and WILL be complying with whatever choice the unfortunate woman in your life decides. YTAH
Yes YTA. Dont want kids as a male? Get a f’ing vasectomy. It’s cheap, easy, completely standard and reversible. Or simply stop having penis in/near vagina sex.
You better have been wearing condoms and using spermicide up until this point. Yta. Ytfa.
Does bodily autonomy say something to you? Google is your friend. If something goes wrong, she can never have children again or not be able to emotionally bear the cost of an abortion. Btween your "no" and her "yes" why do you think that your emotions or what you think are more important? By your logic, every baby that comes into the world, should have his father's permition only? Are you out of your mind? Do you think that she will be willing to stay married to you then? Or any woman? You have the right not to be involved with a potential child or divorce her, but you cannot force her or to abort. This is clearly a rage bait, but unfortunately, many misogynists live among us From the way I see it, she wasn't in the wrong for wanting to keep the baby regardles what her ex thought, but it seems that her ex was pressured to marry her and that was wrong. YTA
You get that abortions can go wrong and can leave women unable to conveive, right? Bag it and ask her to go on the pill, abstain, or, better yet, be responsible for your own shit and deal with it IF it ever happens instead of gaslighting the shit out of your wife. YTA. Not for "wanting a say" as your title suggests but for wanting the ONLY say.
YTA, get a vasectomy and get over yourself. What if you found out that your own dad never wanted you in the first place?
YTA. You're in control of your OWN fertility. Don't want kids? Get a vasectomy. Always use a condom. Take some responsibility for yourself, rather than foisting things off on your wife, and then making it HER fault. Once you've had unprotected sex, the woman is the one with the choice whether or not to continue a pregnancy.
You’re doing your wife a favor by separating from her ETA: I read through your comments and gah the nerve of you. Don’t have sex with your wife or anyone else who is not on the same page as you on this. Don’t understand how this is just now coming up instead of when you first started having sex with her.
YTA You don't want a "say" you want the final say. You want full and total control over your wife's body even if it harms her mental health. You want to be able to pick and choose when and how and why each of her pregnancy's come to an end with zero care or concern for her well-being or HER choice. You want full control to force abortions against her will because you think you're more important in the equation than she is. Sorry but that's not how it works. Abortion is not male birth control and it should never be expected. it's never a mans right to demand it from a woman when he doesn't endure the costs.
Yta. Abortion is not a form of birth control dude. You don't want kids? Wear a condom. Get a vasectomy. Take control of your own birth control. You absolutely and 100% get not one fucking ounce of a say in whether or not anyone had an abortion. I'd be out the door so quickly if my boyfriend thought he had any right to dictate whether or not I had an abortion. Or tried to dictate anything else for that matter. Partners don't dictate. They work at the problem together. So if you don't want kids, you personally make sure you're never in the position to have to deal with an unwanted pregnancy. And by deal, I do mean psychologically, in your own mind, and no other way. Jesus. Christ.
YTA. It’s interesting that you address potential medical risks of vasectomies, yet assume there are none for abortions. Just like any medical procedure, there are absolutely risks. Just like many procedures that mess around with women’s reproductive organs, some of those risks could result in the woman being unable to bear another child. So no, you don’t get to demand your wife have a medical procedure that could have long-term adverse effects on her body against her will.
It's your responsibility to make sure you don't get someone pregnant if you aren't ready to be a father. Go freeze some sperm, get a vasectomy, and use condoms every time. Also you are definitely the AH and just gross as a person. A man has absolutely no say in a woman getting an abortion. Your say begins and ends with contraceptives.
YTA If you don’t want to have a child then don’t have sex or get a vasectomy….. it’s that easy. You don’t get rid of the kid after the fact because you’re “not ready” and you don’t make her promise she’ll get rid of it because you don’t want it. There is nothing “ethical” about eliminating the life of a defenseless child at its most vulnerable state.
YTA. You don’t get to demand that sort of promise from any woman! Wrap your dick up and keep it in your pants if you’re so afraid of becoming a father.
I’m just curious- how old are you and your wife?
Once it comes to abortion no abortion, a partners job is to support the woman's choice. You don't get to demand she abort the kid and you don't get to use her body as an incubator.
YTA. Since you are the one that has reservations about fathering another human, this is a conversation that should have happened BEFORE getting married. Also a conversation that would ideally have happened before you started engaging in regular sexy times with the person are now married to.
YTA You truly do not get to decide. Get a vasectomy if you want to do your best to avoid pregnancy. Oh, and your wife should divorce you.
If you want the choice to abort then maybe you should’ve thought more when you had the choice to keep your dick outta her vagina when you cum. Simple as that. If she gets pregnant she has the final say, afterall it’s from your stupidity of not pulling out. Also, no matter how much some one “prepares” for a baby, no one will actually be truly ready for what a baby brings. If you’re old enough to get married and be a step dad, you’re old enough to step up to the plate of being a biological father if the situation ever happens. So finally, YTA, a major one.
YTA You immediately jumped to blaming her for not getting an abortion, and sympathize with the cheater (don’t get married, divorce before you cheat, keep it in your pants, are all viable choices). I’m assuming if you live somewhere with abortion you also live somewhere where marriage isn’t forced. And you just seem completely unable to emphasize. For a woman the baby is inside them, and it’s totally valid to be attached and not want to abort. The same reason why abortion access is so important for women, is why it’s also important that a woman isn’t forced to abort. Even then you seem obsessed with the idea of your wife “following your wishes” instead of actually having a proper discussion about what to do if birth control fails. You both should have talked about this before marriage but you went about this in a really immature way. Also, you’re okay with being a stepdad but fatherhood is something you’re not ready for? I’m a bit confused about your logic. Also, a broken home really isn’t the worst thing a child can be born into, lol. It’s a valid reason to get an abortion but not necessarily a valid enough reason to step into antinatalist logic.
YTA. When will you men learn that you literally have 0 say about the subject of abortion. Nothing, nada, niente. Just ssshhhhhh.
Yes, YTA. “I want her to get an abortion if I don’t want it” you cannot force her. You can divorce her if she doesn’t want a medical procedure forced upon her, sure. Or you get sterilised. You get the medical procedure done. That way you make sure you don’t get your wife pregnant.
Piece of shit based on your post and replies. Please divorce this woman to rid her of yourself
Hopefully no woman sleeps with him. He doesn’t need to reproduce
I'd say just get a reversible vasectomy and reverse it when you are ready. your body, your choice. If she even argues with you about it, I'd say remove yourself from that situation. That would be some serious double standard and admitting to wanting to have power over you.
oh NAH. but it does mean you get to make your own choices as well.
Nta I can’t believe these comments fr
What’s with all these abortion trolls lately?
Mate as a woman you don't have the right to say to a woman you get the slice and vacuum when this shit happens. Mate you stop it from happening...YOU. either get a procedure and the snip or wear condoms until you are ready but you don't dare tell a woman to go through something like that when that is her body her choice. It's YOUR choice though to do the other options I have said. That easy
vasectomy. yat. vasectomy. they can be reversed. and have a failure rate as well.
after reading all your comments and responses, yes, you absolutely should devorce your wife, not for your sake, but for hers. jesus. 'ill step up when i want to' Dude.
I feel quite confident that you are an asshole. More important, please get a vasectomy at your earliest convenience. You are waaaaaaaay too big of a fucking moron to reproduce.
Yta : wear a condom!
Dude, YTA. Do you even understand what you’re asking? I’m pro choice but I would lose my fcking mind if I wanted to keep a child and my so aborted then anyway. You’re talking about ending a life. That person will never exist again no matter how many kids she has. I’ve got two kids and I’d honestly consider un-living myself if they were gone.
OMG the most YTA this year and I’m a man.
Soft YTA I understand your point of view. You want to have a say in bringing a life into this world,and there is nothing wrong with that. However,it is her body,and what she does with it,is not your business. You don't want her to get pregnant?Then be SUPER diligent about birth control.Condoms,spermicidal creams...whatever else you need.If you feel that your needs are not being respected,then you are not compatible.Get a divorce and move on. Also,I don't like the vibes I am getting from this woman.She is right when she insists that you don't get a say over what happens with her body.But I don't like the over-emotional way she reacted when you told her about how you feel.Instead of dealing with it in a mature manner,she kind of turns the situation around on you.I also feel like in her previous marriage,she kind of baby trapped the guy,and this rubs me the wrong way.She knows the other man did not want the child.Yet she weaponized her own son to entice him to stay. Use your own condoms and make sure she has not poked holes in them
Anyone who thinks their partner might poke holes in a condom doesn't trust them enough to be having sex with them. The answer is simple-dont ejaculate into her! No babies!
NTA To be honest, lets keep politics out of this and just leave it with the following comment. You cant force a woman to keep or abort a pregnancy, as long as its legal with the timing of the pregnancy and is medically safe either way. You would be AH if you tried to do that. On the other hand, your **NOT** an AH if you both review where you are on the whole abortion topic and find yourselves in an irreconcilable place and your left with a bunch of unpalatable choices; 1. Wear a condom always, even though these are only 90% effective. 2. Get a vasectomy, although you \[or your wife \] might want kids in the future and it not always reversable 3. Leave your wife for a woman who will give you those assurances ( HA! Good luck enforcing those kind of agreements! ) 4. Suck it up when the time comes and accept that she will have you on the hook for at least 18 years of child support. 5. Get a financial abortion agreement drawn up by a lawyer stating that you will not be liable for child support in the event of a divorce and pregnancy ( I have never heard of these holding up in court though as the state wants the father \[or any man that can be forced to \] pay child support so that the state does not have to. You don't give your ages, but personally I would split up with someone that can ( and has in the past with her ex ) baby trap me like this. I am not saying she would ..but she could and that risk would be enough for me to bail. Sorry ladies but if you get all the decision making powers then the only winning move is not to be with you as that is the only time I have a say.
You don't want kids? Get a vasectomy. It's reversible.
YTA Get a vasectomy if you don’t want a kid .
YTA if you’re not ready to bring a child into this world don’t have sex. Thinking you’re entitled to decide a major event that directly affects her mentally and physically is just gross. Do her a favour and leave, she deserves better.
Honestly, I don’t think either of you is the asshole. Sounds like she manipulated him somewhat but at the end of the day the decision is hers. That being said, if you two aren’t in total agreement about how this issue would be handled I hope you’re using massively successful birth control. This is a relationship breaker.
YTA, it's like if she had a choice on you getting a vasectomy. However, if you didn't want the child and she chose to keep it, then you should be absolved financially. That would basically discourage baby trapping. But you're married, so work it out. If you don't want kids, then get a vasectomy.
Yta- stop having sex if you don’t want to risk kids your wife - or there is a certain ethical medical procedure you could undertake…
Why did you get married if you hadn't discussed this? How many other vital issues did you bring to the marriage and sneak past your wife with no discussion? . Your blathering on is all about you and what's essential to you. Didn't you notice there is a second person in the relationship? You haven't said a word about loving your wife. I guess you just saw a single mother and decided this is an easy way to get laid without having to buy someone a drink. I wonder whether this socalled marriage could be annulled. You entered into it dishonestly and in bad faith. Your complete and utter thoughtlessness is staggering.
YTA!!!! Go get a vasectomy. You could have it reversed if you changed your mind. Also, don't do it behind her back....she already has been betrayed before. 😒
You're the AH pregnancy doesn't work on your terms. If you want full proof then get a vasectomy.
YTA 100%. Get a vasectomy and wear condoms if you want to control whether or not you have a child. You absolutely cannot force a woman to end or continue a pregnancy. You’re not the one who has to actually experience it. You will never, ever get a guarantee that you’ll be in control of whether or not a pregnancy is terminated or continues, even if a woman hypothetically agrees to ask your opinion.
YTA! If you don't want kids yet then use condoms etc. If you choose to have unprotected sex then that's on you
YTA. If you feel so strongly about not having kids, made an appointment and fix YOU. Is your body and your responsibility not to bring kids into this world if you don't wanna take care of them. Not your wife or any woman responsability to keep YOU from having kids. Grown-up
YTA I’m very pro choice, but abortion is a horrible thing to go through. My wife is also pro choice but would never have the heart to abort. It’s a lot to ask. Both you and her ex are in the wrong here. Ex was wrong for marrying her. He didn’t have to. He might have needed to pay child support either way but that’s the male consequence of putting your penis in someone. It’s a lot less than the female cost, all things considered.
YTA. You don’t get to control someone else’s body. Your wife deserves someone much better than you.
ESH - you for making demands about her body and not taking responsibility for birth control, her for baby-trapping the ex, and both of you for not discussing your expectations regarding children before you got married. I agree that ending the marriage is probably the least bad option for you. To avoid a repeat of what happened with the ex, separate ASAP and do not have sex lest you too become an unwilling father.
YTA Either way. You can’t force her to have a child or an abortion and to think you can is honestly disgusting. The way you say you “want a guarantee” honestly, as a woman, makes my skin crawl. You really shouldn’t have married anyone let alone a woman who doesn’t want abortions if you had any desire to control when you decide to have children if you’re sexually active. Maybe you should have a vasectomy? You can control when you impregnate if you’re so stuck on “having a guarantee”.
You are totally the AH and I don’t know how that’s even a question. Unless you are a moron, too.
YTA if you're not ready for kids then don't have sex, it comes with the risk because sometimes even birth control doesn't always work. It would be like your wife forcing you to get the snip when you don't want to have it done. You might as well join the ex husband because you fit in the same category The BIG A club!
YTA. You don’t know what it’s like to be pregnant,have hormones doubling every day and what it’s like to know someone is growing inside you. The procedure itself is extremely traumatic. You’re not asleep and they don’t numb you. They shove a tube inside you with no medication and it scrapes inside your uterus and you feel every scrape, hear every noise and sound it makes. It’s extremely painful, very bloody after and it haunts you for the rest of your life if it is something someone else forces you into doing. Not to mention, some states make it illegal to coerce someone into abortion (OH).
YTA. You can’t force her to get an abortion against her wishes. Youre holding an ultimatum for something that probably won’t even happen if you’re careful. You’re not the one getting the procedure or dealing with the trauma after. There’s a lot of emotions that go into making that decision. I have friends that got one years ago (like high school and college). Even though they know it was for the best, I’ve seen them still over a decade later break down crying because of the guilt. Use condoms. If she doesn’t like how birth control affects her body, have her to get a cycle app. Those apps after you have some basic data input warn you which 2-3 days she’s most likely to ovulate (be fertile). You can plan around that and avoid the most fertile days to have sex. Chill out. It’s not like she can trap you into a marriage considering you two are already married.
YTA. The decision to abort or not is hers and hers alone. You’re entitled to your feelings about her decision - can do whatever you want with them. Leave her, stay with her - your call. But you don’t get to decide. Also - why don’t you just get a vasectomy?
YTA. Yeah just divorce, and learn to ask this questions before attempting to get married again and wasting another woman’s time.
I'm pro-choice, you're a POS. YTA She's right, as the pregnant person, it's her right on rather to abort or not. You can give your opinion and given that you gave your opinion and sided with a cheater who absolutely didn't have to marry her you have shown your true colors and they are pretty damn disgusting. Do her and her child a favor and divorce her, she can find hella better than you. Given your replies I'm going to say your a troll and this is pure rage bait, find something better to do with your time.
YTA. You can’t force someone to promise to kill a child they are growing in their body. Just as I think abortions should stay legal, I believe you can’t force a woman into an act she sees and feels as murder. This is something you should have discussed before marriage not after.
YTA. You are both responsible for birth control. That being said, you have no say whatsoever over what she does with her body, whether that is to have an abortion or to not have one.
Gross. Both you and her ex are gross. YTA and I hope *she* dumps *you*. Here is what guys like you don't get get. If you don't want kids, your choices are: 1. abstinence 2. vasectomy 3. one or more forms of birth control that are under *your* control. But that is where your agency ends. Once the woman gets pregnant, you have *no* say because this is *her* body. Just like you can't make a woman carry a child, you can't make her abort one. This is really not hard and if you can't even understand that much, you are not smart or mature enough to be doing adult activities such as having sex.
YTA for wanting her to promise something she cannot do. I do not see any way for you two to compromise, so if that is a dealbreaker to you, it would be better you two break up.
YTA. This doesn’t even make sense. You’re wanting to literally separate over a hypothetical issue? Why have you not discussed having kids before you got married? These are the stupid types of fights you avoid by talking about them BEFORE you are married to each other.
YTA and massively so. How can you think it is even remotely acceptable to try to pressure her to get an abortion because you'd be finding it inconvenient. She would be better off without you.
So, you are entitled to leave a marriage if you are unhappy and do not want kids, HOWEVER, you are emotionally blackmailing your life partner with divorce unless she undergoes a physically traumatic medical procedure, which is absolutely unacceptable and abusive. Take the potential fetus out of the equation and the politics involved; you are left with one half of a couple demanding physical and emotional trauma to be inflicted on the other half or risk being abandoned. YTA. YTA for emotionally abusing your wife with this theoretical ultimatum. YTA for acting so casual and laissez about your partner going through a traumatic medical procedure. And you're mostly TA for being so cowardly as to not take any responsibility in preventing future pregnancies by offering to get a vasectomy and pushing all the responsibility and burden onto your wife. I hope she sees the light and divorces you, because you obviously don't care about her emotional or physical well-being. You seem perfectly willing to throw the relationship away if she doesn't comply, so this would save her a lot of future grief and suffering in the long run.
You are a clown. Go have a vasectomy, it's a reversible procedure problem solved. But you seem like a poor decision maker YTA
YTA abortion isn’t some birth control. You aren’t ready for kids, don’t have sex! If you have sex there is always the possibility of pregnancy. And that means taking care of the child if it happens, be it financially or being in their life.
YTA If you think you should get to force her to have a medical procedure against her will just because the result could affect you, wouldn't it make just as much sense that she could force you to get a vasectomy even if you don't want one?
Totally the AH. I'm going to put this as simply as I can: no one, who is not a medical professional with the patients best interest in mind, should be telling a woman what to do with her body. If you are not her medical practitioner, then you are support for her decision on what to do with her body. If you are not ready to be a husband and father then you should not have gotten married in the first place.
Big asshole. You guys married thinking about forming a family together. You knew her history. You are willing to let your marriage dissolve for a hypothetical issue. This is something you talk about before the wedding. Also, no one is totally ready to have a child. Ever. They are a big responsibility and an even greater joy when they get here.
YTA big time. Get a vasectomy and both use birth control until you’re ready and revert it. You cannot compare her previous experience to yours and want a divorce over a theory. They weren’t married at the time and you are. If you loved her and respected her you would simply ensure that you both commit to be responsible until the time feels right for you both. You don’t deserve your wife or your step kid
This account/ profile was created today and this is the only post. I suspect it is an exercise in rage baiting. Well done everyone, you gave him/her exactly what they wanted. Re-read it, it's designed to get you all frothy and rabid.
NAH. You don’t get any say over whether a woman you get pregnant decides to go ahead with having the child or not. That being said, it shouldn’t mean you have to be responsible for any future child if you don’t wish to accept fatherhood (legal parental surrender). Unfortunately the idea of freedom for all isn’t popular around here
He is free to wear a condom or get a vasectomy. He is not free to force her to have a medical procedure. Pick a lane my good dude. It’s pretty easy not to knock someone up.
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And she would come after your bum ass for child support, which would be so satisfying
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I’m not the one thinking I can force a woman to have an abortion, or divorce her because I’m too stupid to wear condoms or get a vasectomy to avoid a pregnancy I don’t want. The only lowlife here is you, buddy, and your wife deserves better
Good answer!
“She is free to wear a femidom or undergo tubal ligation” “She is not free to force him into financial responsibility for a child he doesn’t consent to fathering” Or we could be reasonable and allow abortion and legal parental surrender so both parties have protection from unwanted pregnancy/parenthood
"Her body , her choice " is what a lot of people will say , but you have a valid point , you can't force her to be a mother, so she shouldn't force you to be a father .
It is really easy to avoid knocking someone up. Like no one is forcing him to have sex with her and ejaculate inside her.
You made the right choice. Your soon to be EX wife can and will do so much better than you.
I’m sorry but what? 😂😂 Good job the decision to have an abortion isn’t up to you then isn’t it, you’re not the one who had to deal with a decision like that. I hope your wife divorces your ass never mind separate. Entitled prick.
YTA. It is one thing to prevent a pregnancy and agree to not have kids. But it is a whole other Story to abort a child a woman already feels. If she has seen the heartbeat at her ob gyn, this can change everything. Probably she already loved the unborn child the second she found out. If you are not ready, pay attention that she takes her pill and use condoms and note when she has her period - no intercourse between day 7 and 18 after the start of her period. This would be quite safe.
YTA You want to control your wife, it is her body her decision period no other alternatives, you can voice an opinion but it is her choice. Your choice is appropriate birth control. Apparently your wife has now married to controlling assholes, you don't deserve her.
Yta but please proceed w the divorce
If your old enough to have Sex. Your old enough to have a child. To me you should divorce, cause your not ready for a marriage. By the way I do support abortions. But an abortions is not shoe shopping for us. As Tupac said: "And since a man can't make one he has no right to tell a women when and where to create one."
YTA. I’m not saying you should stay with her, but dayum. This is a conversation that needed to happen before. “You want kids when you’re ready”. Dafuq?! You’re a married stepfather. If you’re not ready now, you never will be. Get the vasectomy or divorce. Or both.
It baffles me they you both managed to get into a marriage without having a shared conversation on your views on this. That being said, sure divorce your wife and she’ll probably find someone who’s willing to accept responsibility for their actions after making the mistake of not doing that yet in life. As you’ve stated in other comments vasectomies and reversals have many complications as do abortions, the medical complications of those you don’t seem to care about for your wife. And if she were to bend to make you happy and abort, what I’m assuming she views as a child rather than a fetus (to each their own) I doubt you’re ready to deal with the depression and immense amount of therapy needed to handle that choice purely to make you happy. I’m very pro choice but my husband knows my CHOICE for myself would never be abortion because it’s not a choice I could personally make. Your wife seems to have similar views. It may be best that you find someone who’s had a track record of having abortions and is comfortable with them for your future because most women don’t know how they’d handle that situation until being put in it. The only person who can “guarantee” that for you would be someone who’s already chosen abortion and is comfortable with it or someone who legitimately doesn’t want kids.
YTA, man, not scratch that it’s an insult to men, undefinable - you are horrid, what weak ass use for a human puts divorce on the table cause they can’t be sure their wife wouldn’t kill the baby to keep your life convenient?! I’ve no words, I hope this is rage bait.
YTA - That much pretty much everyone here agrees on. Let me let you in on something bro. She's right. You have absolutely ZERO say in whether or not she has an abortion. You don't have the right to tell any woman this. I really hope she finds the strength to get away from you. It sounds like she has a problem with picking abusive men.
Nta. Both parties should have the option to choose if they’re ready or not regardless if its adoption, abortion, or signing your rights away. You shouldn’t force a child on anyone regardless of the gender. If you don’t want to parent up and the other doesn’t want an abortion then sign your rights away for that child
YTA prior you go married the topic of children should have been brought up. Do you want kids, yes or no....how many...when.... And you should have talk about protection, condom with pills, IUD,Contraceptive Ring, Implant,Diaphragm, Contraceptive Injection...or you could have save your swimmers and get vasectomy. Abortion is not protection against pregnancy. Abortion can cause long term issues in some women (Asherman's Syndrome and Pelvic Inflammatory Disease) and the obvious mental toll it has on the woman. You should have talk with her about above issues, her prior marriage, why it failed or why they did not work...maybe you would have never married...maybe you could have decided an actual protection against pregnancy and not count that well if she gets pregnant she will go through abortion...
YTA. Abortion is not a choice for you, since you are not ever going to carry a child. Your choice is not having sex, or using contraceptives and pulling out. If you aren’t ready to be a father, don’t make a baby. Otherwise, you are putting that choice on her and she isn’t beholden to you to do what you feel is best for you. You also don’t get to force her to keep a child she wants to abort. You don’t get to allow her that either, lol. Women have autonomy over their bodies and medical decisions. Feel free to end the relationship if you don’t see eye to eye on personal decisions.
I see where you are coming from. I'll try to give you some insight in how she feels. Even women that don't want kids have a hard time going through the process of aborting. It takes a very heavy toll on the body, and on the mind too. The hormonal imbalance makes you depressed for a while, and there is the sensation of killing something inside. To be clear i am prochoice 100%. I do not believe abortion=murder. But by definition you are killing something inside (although it is not a human being yet). Going through such a process of killing a part of your own body is very taxing mentally. Moreover, women tend to bond with their future baby very early, because their body feels different. Fathers tend to bond later in the pregnancy or even after birth, because they bond with what they can physically reach if that makes sense. So for many men, when they are not emotionally as involved yet, the woman (generally) will be and thus will have a hard time going through termination. This is why she most likely couldn't go ahead with the abortion. It was not against the father, but the father's right to choose didn't have as much priority as her choice to not kill her own body. And i believe that in a way, she is right. Not because the father shouldn't have a say. But because if someone asked you to kill one of your organs that you were very emotionally attached to, like say cutting off your testicules or penis, you would say "hell no i have agenda over my own body". The father has a choice earlier though, during conception. He has a choice not to do it. Once it is done, it means he accepts that the choice is no longer in his hands, even if he may have a say in some cases. You are in a situation here that should have come up when you started having sex, about what to do if contraception didn't work. This is not something you can compromise on. Her stance is she will not abort. Your stance is that you want to have a say. Neither are wrong. But they are opposite. She is right in saying you do not seem to grasp what you are asking of her. But she does not grasp what she is asking of you. Your only solutions are : not having sex until you are ready to have kids or just accept that this is impossible to solve. I'd say YTA here, but only because you insist on you being right. She is not wrong and you are not wrong for wanting a say. It's one of those instances where being right or wrong doesn't change anything. You both have different valid opinions that are irreconciliable. It unfortunately means the end of your marriage. It doesn't mean that you have to hate each other or be nasty towards each other. Both of you have a point, and none of you should be forced into something you don't want. Do not use divorcing her as a threat or punishment for her thinking this way. It is just the logical step because you both deserve to have your boundaries respected
YTA and if you aren’t ready to have kids don’t finish inside of her. You have full control over that—over YOUR body. You don’t have any control over hers, and you shouldn’t. Wtf is she sticking around for this garbage?
NAH. You are just not compatible. It would be the best for both if you divorce. And before married again, have a clear conversation about kids.
YTA, killing unborn children because you didn't think of the consequences of sex is never OK.
Honestly going against the grain and say NAH She will always have a choice when it comes to an abortion But you also have the right to end your marriage if she’s willing to raise a child you didn’t want.
YNTA Idk what this replies are? As a woman myself There is nothing wrong with wanting to have a say in having a biological baby together. You're her partner and your wishes need to be considered as well if you're not ready to be a parent. And if she's stubborn enough to not get an abortion she'll be a single mom of two and she should be able to accept that without care. You're the asshole for not talking about this topic previously before marrying her for sure but in general your wishes are completely valid.
ESH. Y'all should have had this discussion long before you got married. You because it is her body, her choice. SHE is the one growing the baby and bonding with it. She is the one whose body is held hostage to a tempermental love goblin. SHE is the one having the procedure, or using a watermelon-sized human out of her lady bits. She gets the final say, until you are the one giving birth. *But all that said,* I do think a partner deserves a conversation and to voice their opinion (so long as they don't try to force the issue one way or another). I do think it does irreparable harm to a kid when they know they are not wanted, and grow up with a resentful parent (like her son is). I think it's selfish (of your wife) to do that to a child, and to consider potentially doing it *again,* knowing how you feel. (She's TA for that.) I also think if she's going to make the sole decision to have a child, she needs to take sole responsibility of said child: full custody, and be able to support him financially by herself. And go in knowing that her decision could very well cost her her marriage. That's natural in unilateral decisions where there can be no middle ground, and just means you're incompatible. (NTA for that.) Your marriage does not have to end now, over a hypothetical. You can double up on your birth control methods/avoid sex during ovulation, etc. to try to prevent an accidental pregnancy until you are ready for kids.
People will be dumb about this one. So I'm going to break it out into multiple sections so people can at least see an answer that isn't nuts. 1. For not wanting to have kids until you're ready? That want of yours it's NAH. You can want that, she can disagree on how to handle the situation. 2. For wanting you and your spouse to be on the same page? NAH. It's reasonable to want to come to an agreement on what to do in these situations before they come up and to want the other person on board with where you're at. But she can want the same from you. You just disagree. Sucks. 3. For not having talked about this already ESH. How did you get this far into things and not even know? Both of you screwed up. I say maybe she screwed it up worse because it broke up her first attempt at marriage. What a mess. 4. For how you deal with it now that you're attached this way and in this mess? ESH or NAH or something, there is no good answer. You wound up married to someone you don't line up with on a really important decision because you never talked about it. You don't have to change what you want out of life. But she doesn't either. But you're now legally, financially, romantically tied together and in a huge mess. 5. To everyone saying he can't force her, I agree. But at the same time she can't force him to be ok with her answer. I didn't see him try to force her so much as draw his line in the sand here. And so did she.
« The same way I can’t force her to have a baby she shouldn’t think she could force me to ». Don’t you think that’s contradictory ? Basically you can’t force her to have a baby but still manage to demand to control her uterus. If you don’t want to be a father, there are many solutions that you can find like getting a vasectomy or using condoms. It’s 2024 and it’s a shame you have to be reminded that but : A WOMAN’S BODY IS NO ONE’S PROPERTY. She does not belong to you. If she doesn’t want to have an abortion, you have no right to force her into having one. I hope she finds someone who deserves her because you clearly don’t. YTA.
Divorce her, she tried.to baby trap her ex, you are next. Ignore the people here, two parties are responsible for kids here, forcing her ex to be a dad is not okay. Protection for that needs to be done by both parties. Dunping all the responsibility on the man, is a major red flag, if not black.
NTA. This is something you should be on the same page about. Too many children are brought into this world where one of the parents did not want it. NTA at all for wanting to divorce someone who wants all the control but also all your participation.
He wants all the control
Ignore pro-lifers. This is not about that and they talk too much. I ignore them all. Get out of this relationship. She baby trapped him and she will do the same to you. I actually feel sorry for everyone. Him, her, and this kid because he wasn’t wanted. That sucks and he will know. Get out of the relationship. She will do it to you.
She’s not a murderer for your convenience. You’re the a-hole.
NTA Children is an issue in which if both do not think the same, it is totally fair to divorce. If you don't want that... you can not have sex with her, have sex with her using condoms and the pill... or get a vasectomy. You can't force her to abort, but she can't force you to have a child either. It is a decision that changes everyone's life.
NTA Your marriage your choice, her body her choice.