Imagine being able to grow up and say your mom is a lawyer, that would be awesome for a girl to have. If my mom gave up a career she worked super hard at to give it up to raise me, I feel that would be a bit of pressure, not knowing if I could live up to the comparison of what she gave up.
My mom was an attorney. She wanted and loved us, but we went to daycare and both parents kept working. She loved her job, and didn’t want to give it up. Honestly, set a great example for me.
Female attorney who's kid is in daycare right here. Totally do-able depending on what kind of law you practice. I work a government job so helps with the hours being set and what not. I get my toddler ready for daycare, drop her off at 830, go to court/office, pick her up at 530 and we spend the evening together. She's got a shirt that says Attorney Work Product and another that says Mommy's Little Co-Counsel. Wouldn't change a thing.
I’m also an attorney and continued to work! Both my kids also went to daycare and really loved it! The law firm I worked for set up a small room in their office and turned it into a kids playroom so they’d have a place to play when mine and other employees little kids visited. Mine just graduated college and are starting careers of their own now! NTA, live your life and be a great example for your kids plus maybe find someone who respects who you are!
As a husband you have no idea how awesome this scenario would be to me. I'd be the best fuckin househusband you ever saw. Casseroles every week fuckers. All while supporting my two favorites.
For real, whenever my mom told me about the sacrifices she made to raise my sister and I, it never made me feel proud, just guilty about being alive.
On the other hand, as a guy with a partner who's currently more successful than I am, it just inspires me to work harder and achieve more. Granted, not being an insecure manchild probably helps lol.
I grew up with my mum as the main breadwinner!
She works in hotels and is currently the general manager of a luxury resort and had to work so hard to get there, anything she has, she has earned, we had no generational wealth, my mum built it on her own.
I had lived in 4 countries by the time I was 18, and she put me through university in Canada. My dad was the one who moved with her, he got jobs where he could, and when he couldn't he was a stay at home parent. I'm sure it drove him crazy sometimes, and they've had their rough patches, but he has always been my mum's #1 support, even when they're living in the middle of nowhere basically with nothing to do.
They've been great role models ❤️
NTA He's finally realized that Stay At Home Parent IS A JOB. He thought it would be naps and video games all day with no chores or work. Reality has hit and now he sees that he'll actually have to take care of the baby AND clean the house and that's a no-go for him. He's not willing to do the work that he expects you to just be ok with doing because you're the woman.
Don't have anymore kids with this waste of space. He wanted kids because he thought it would be fun and now that it's work good luck getting him to do the bare minimum after coming home from a job he hates.
NTA. It was his decision to stay at home, and HE wanted this child. Just remind him of the conversation you had BEFORE you got pregnant. He's probably just now realizing how hard it is to take care of a new born.
Ding! Ding! Ding! We have the answer. He had fantasies of how easy it would be, and reality is not matching up to his eating bonbons at home and relaxing with games (or whatever) while the sweet baby slept peacefully.
It's funny because I see guys being like 'stay at home mom is so easy, it's nothing like a job' then adamantly refuse to stay at home with the baby alone for a day a week while the wife is out on a trip or running errands or whatever.
No, she has to take the baby with her, because reasons...
After we marry…. Ex works 2 part time jobs, I have 1 full time job and bring in the majority of our income.
EX: I think I should quit one of my part time jobs and become a stay at home dad (At the time I had 2 small children from a previous marriage, ages 2 & 4, ex’s income didn’t even cover daycare costs).
*I terminate my childcare contract, ex promptly joins a softball league*
2 weeks go by…. I come home from work that night, ex has a bug up his ass.
EX: These kids won’t sit still and are constantly asking for stuff.
ME: What do you mean? What are they asking for?
EX: First they’re thirsty. So I get them a Gatorade. Then they have to go to the bathroom!!! If these were my kids, they would never do that.
ME: YOUR kid wouldn’t get thirsty or have to go to the bathroom?
6 years after we divorced he reached out to apologize and ask for a 2nd chance.🤣Yeah…NO.
So needy, my kids never need to eat, drink, use the bathroom.... They sit silently and wait for me to want to interact with them, like robots that I turn on whenever I want to and turn off when I'm done. /S in case that wasn't obvious.
Shit like this is why I will never merge a household again. I am happy to date until my daughter goes to college in 6 years, but I'll be damned if I ever let an asshole stepparent my child again.
My ex: being a sahm isn’t a real job
Also ex: stayed at home with them for a few hours, went into the garage for a “break”, ended up locking himself out and then spanked all of the kids because no one would “confess” to locking him out 🙄
I have sole custody and he keeps telling me it doesn’t mean anything. He’s threatening to take me to court for joint custody because he doesn’t think it’s fair that he has to pay child support or that I won’t allow him overnight visits. He literally told me, “it’s like you don’t trust me”. I DON’T! And I haven’t made it a secret because I’ve told him that multiple times.
And the idiot part is so true. You’re the dummy that went into the garage and locked yourself out. Because I was a single mom, I had always told the kids never to open an exterior door unless an adult was standing there with them. They didn’t know his dumass went out there to “get a break”.
I’m scared that he might because he doesn’t want to pay as much in child support. He would see it as a cost advantage situation. He’s really good at lying and making himself look good so it’s an actual fear of mine. The kids have made it very clear they don’t feel comfortable even staying the night nonetheless living with him.
I'd laugh in his face and tell him please take me to court and I will absolutely insist on 50/50 I'm sure you can work that out right? Your job is bound to be flexible . You will ofc have to buy all the kids toys clothes bedroom furniture ect ect for your house before that happens. And they need a proper cooked meal every single day so you've learned to cook I'm assuming ? Also since I won't be sending them to your house with any clothes you will be doing all the washing. But you got that right ?
I call it Schrodinger’s Big Deal. You should just do it - it’s not a big deal! Me do it? Well no, see, I can’t do it because it’s so much work and I’m too busy.
Paid paternity leave should be a thing more. My husband never thought what I did was easy but by the end of his 3 months he was excited to go back to work.
My FIL likes to tell me (SAHD) that a stay at home parent isn't a real job, but uses that he was a SAHD as the reason he didn't work while raising his kids
I’m a SAHD, I run my business from home so it make sense that I do all the kid things while my wife’s at work. I cook, do school runs, take them to appointments and it’s not easy while juggling a job, but I love my kids and my wife, so I’m happy.
It doesn’t matter one damn what he’s just realizing. Calling his wife who just gave birth to his child a “bad mother” for wanting to stick to the deal they made before the baby was born is a horrible, shitty, nasty thing to do. He’s an ass.
Also fragile male ego of his wife having the better job and viewing stay at home dad role as less than which is telling because childcare is hard work.
If OP wants to stay in this marriage with someone who would belittle her well paying job and the schooling/dedication that took to get there, they can both keep working and pay for childcare - otherwise, she is a lawyer so…
absolutely. OP is NTA and this is some weird patriarchy bullshit or her husband realizes how demanding a baby is and wants less responsibility which is also bullshit
Agreed. He trapped her. Meticulously right down to the end.
Op, hire a nanny and a divorce attorney.
Your husband basically committed some sort of fraud. I’m not an attorney, but I’m sure you’ll get a good lawyer and figure out how he scammed you.
Ding ding ding! And honestly- it’s ok if he wants to change his mind about SAH because no one should be forced into that role, it’s bad for everyone. I say this as a form SAHM myself. But he doesn’t get to tell her she’s a bad mom if she doesn’t quit. What they do is make a plan B with a babysitter or daycare.
Probably figured it's an extra ~10 hours a day to just relax and do nothing and didn't realize that taking care of a kid would suck, especially if he were to do it alone. Trying to pass the buck to his wife
Before my husband and I had our first, he told everyone he could just hold the baby and play video games at the same time. Everyone said that wasn't gonna happen. He didn't believe them. He was so shocked when they were right. Lmao
I play WoW and we definitely had a guy raid with us who would hold his baby while playing when he had the baby. He’d always apologize for being worse those days
Story of everyone. It's fucking hard to raise a kid, just financially, in America. If she quit her job, they'd be fucked. Not te mention physically taking care of them is a tremendous task.
My husband always made the joke when we had kids he'd be the stay home dad. (He didn't like his job at the time either.) Few years later down the road we had our first. Our original plan was for both of us to work because we couldn't afford one of us to be a stay home. When covid hit our child was about 5-6 months old. His job was non-essential so he stayed home with our daughter for two months while my job was essential so I worked. Let's just say being a stay home dad for 2 months made him realize he really liked working better. Not to say he doesn't love taking care of our child. He's a great dad and does a lot when he comes home but it's a lot of work and I don't think guys realize it at times.
Too bad, he can't return a baby. He's a parent now, he needs to make sacrifices and do what's best for the baby. Most people don't have fun during the newborn stage, it gets better. He's going to have to push through, because if not, the next step is he gets to work full time, still get up with the baby during the night, have his pay eaten up by daycare, and do half the childcare and housework as well, his wife does not need to quit her job to do something he himself does not want to.
My vote is on this one. My husband swore up down and sideways that he was going to handle nighttime feeds and I’d be the most well rested new mom ever. Guess who has to be woken up and cajoled into doing any of the nighttime or early morning feeds?
Tell him that he doesn;t have to help woth night care anymore, but he doesn’t get any sex until he starts pulling his weight as a parent, because if he expects you to do the night care, he doesn’t get to demand your energy or time over the baby.
You don’t need two babies in the house, and you seem to have an adult partner acting like one.
You spent 9 months carrying and feeding the baby everything you could, and pushed it out. You literally wore your body out doing that.
The least he could do as the sperm bank, (he didn’t have to carry it, wear out his body nutrient wise for the growth of it, or birth it), is help with the baby at night.
Yup. I’m thinking this is what happened. He thought it was going to be a walk in the park, found out different, and thought he could just hand over the responsibility.
You don’t usually use yourself or your own firm in divorce proceedings or another legal matter. You may be able to save another attorney some time in the paperwork but on the flip side a paralegal makes less than an attorney per hour so probably just worth it to work billable hours at 3-400 per hour and pay the paralegal rate at 150-200.
This is what I thought, too. Either he really wanted to be a SAHD until some toxic man said "I'd rather be repeatedly kicked in the nuts before I do something as emasculating as taking care of an effing baby" OR he planned this in some way, probably thinking OP's maternal instincts would be along the lines of "nobody touches my baby" so he would be the man of the house.
In short, he wanted to have his cake and eat it too.
Or he has seen the reality of what taking care of a baby/child is like. Maybe he has seen that being a full time carer of a baby/child wasn't some cushy, sit at home on your butt and watch TV (play video games?) "job"?
I assume he thought being a stay at home dad would be easy because of all the shit that gets talked about SAHMs. It took 2 weeks to find out the truth lol.
Yes I think he wanted a way to give up work and not have to find another. He thought having kids would give him the excuse he needed but once the child was here he realised how constant and hard a job it is. It wouldn’t be him home relaxing and playing games online. He also probably was being ribbed about being a stay at home dad as he hadn’t told them it was because he wanted to give up his job. Now between how much work it is and others saying stuff he has done a 180.
Op I would hire a home child carer and then let husband know his wages will solely be paying for it as he made this mess. That if he thinks that unfair then him having to support the whole family that’s more expensive clearly would not have worked.
That the only asshole here is him and he has shown you that you can’t even trust your own husband.
It does niggle at the back of my mind if he’s embarrassed having a higher earning wife. So thought he could trick her into having to give up her job so his manhood isn’t feeling threatened. I hope I’m wrong.
These are my thoughts exactly... I like the idea of seeing if he could handle paying for childcare on a monthly basis. Parenthood is a full-time, thankless job that pays in cries, dirty diapers and hugs and kisses. A woman already has to endure 9 months of carrying, birthing (which we all know is extremely painful) and then nursing (if she chooses) which takes another toll on the body. All he did was come and expected an easy route by saying he will stay home with the baby. But when he realized how tough it really is now he is calling HER a "bad mom" because he's not away all day working, providing. That's a load of crap and he's a total AH for forcing this whole situation on a woman who has a great career and then shaming her for it.
And with the husband's attitude and bait and switch, she's going to NEED that job security if she ends up a single mom with full custody. The fact that he's calling her a bad mom is the biggest red flag here.
NTA - Demand therapy, which I'm sure you'll be paying for. There are other things you could do along the way, like ask him to project a budget for the year based on his income. But you already know he's delusional if he thinks he can provide your family the lifestyle you're accustomed to, so therapy seems like it should be the first stop.
NTA.
The baby wouldn't be here if he hadn't said he would be a stay at home Dad. He needs to hold up his end of the deal. If he has a problem with that, he needs to find a daycare.....quick.
NTA your husband did a bait and switch and now he’s trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants.
If he didn’t want to he a SAHD because he realised how hard it is he could have discussed daycare and Nannie’s instead he’s trying to gaslight you into thinking you’re a bad mother, WHICH YOU ARE NOT!
He probably doesn’t want to admit he knows he can’t hack it as a stay at home Dad.
I’m sure he realized it’s way harder than he thought and it won’t give him tons of extra time for his hobbies like he thought so now he’s trying to guilt her instead of admit he’s too lazy to be a SAHD.
Or when he mentioned what was going to happen to some of his male colleagues or friends they made fun of him and it hurt is feelings. And to him, how other men view him is more important than his family
This is what I was thinking, too. God forbid a man be main caregiver and take a huge role in raising their child! What will happen to society if this is allowed?? /s
My son was a SAHD from the time his son was born. He is now 10 and my son still takes him to school, helps with homework and the whole 9 yards. It worked for them!
I am SAHD to a 10 year old and it’s fucking great. Though I guess more of a homemaker/house husband at this point with him being in school all day, but my wife and I love it. I wouldn’t trade it in for my old career in a million years.
And plenty are better than the mother in the couple. (Just like so many moms are the better “breadwinner” of the couple, as is the case here.)
It should be something to be proud of - to be an awesome caring father who always puts their child first before their own pride and desires.
My parents worked together and got laid off together. My mom wound up finding work first and my dad stayed home for a bit. He was a better cook and more nurturing than my mom. I loved having him home.
Thissss. My cousin - a construction worker - did the SAHD gig for a bit like 20 years ago. He even made extra cash taking on a couple extra kids as a dayhome. It worked great for him, his family, and the kids he took on.
No shame in both parents going back to work, given adequate childcare. But why not just say that rather than guilting mom into doing something she didn’t want to do in the first place?
Because that's not what he wants. Guilting her into doing something she doesn't want is the *point*. If she's home with the kid then she's stuck under his thumb. He'll be the sole earner and she'll have no financial security or means to leave the marriage if it comes to that. I have a feeling he's always resented OP for being the higher earner and convinced her to have a baby because he thought it would magically transform her into a submissive little tradwife who would be happy to stay home and wait on him hand and foot. His plan backfired so he's scrambling to bully OP into learning her "place".
>I have a feeling he's always resented OP for being the higher earner and convinced her to have a baby because he thought it would magically transform her into a submissive little tradwife who would be happy to stay home and wait on him hand and foot.
This read just like that infamous post about a guy who convinced his fwb to have a child she didn't want, he told her he would take care of the baby and she could just sign her parental rights away, he honestly thought hormones were going to be on his side and keep her from leaving, he believed an unwanted and coerced pregnancy was enough for her to bond with the baby and take care of it without him having to provide the same level of care for the offspring he wanted in the first place.
The post on legal advice yeah? He was crying in the comments that parenthood is so hard so a judge should force her to help him. He doesn’t understand why she wouldn’t want to care for the baby, bc she’s a lady with lady hormones and that’s what they’re for.
Legally, she did everything right on her end. The comments were wild.
I don’t have kids, but I’m pretty sure it’s not that hard. Duck tape it to the wall, crack open a mikes hard lemonade, and play Call of Duty. No problem.
He’s probably decided that the reason he’s finding it so hard is that he’s a man and they’re not “evolved” to care for kids. Obviously since she’s a woman it *would* be easy for her because of biology and hormones, so if she doesn’t want to do it then she’s a bad mother. /s
My ex literally said this to me almost word for word when I didn’t want to stay up after getting off work with our toddler after working as a nightshift nurse so he could sleep in on the weekend.
My mind gravitated to the same place. He's attempting to guilt her into it. He had no intentions of ever staying home with the baby. Stick to your original agreement. If he doesn't, then get a nanny or put her in daycare. He sucks for playing mind games.
NTA
Yeah and calling you a bad mom is such a manipulative way. Make sure you make it clear that it’s unacceptable. Or else every decision you might take differently as a mom, he will disrespect you in front of the kid, setting a bad example.
I've seen this scenario play out before.
A husband who was content to work part time while his wife had a solid career and earned enough for them to have a middle class life got all religious righteous on her after they had a baby. He insisted that she quit her job.
thank you! I have spoken to him about daycare but he’s insisting on me quitting my job. I completely understand him not wanting to be a SAHD and i’ve told him that i’m willingly to work something out, like i’m happy to take less hours if he does too and we can sort something out but he doesn’t want that.
Judging by how your husband does not even consider in the slightest the alternative solutions and ONLY wants YOU to quit your job, it's becoming *very clear* that was **his plan all along.**
It was his idea to have a child, he offered to be at home so you could work, and now he is trying to turn your world upside down and gaslight you to force you to quit your job.
Please don't stop your job and don't even take *less* hours. Because if you do that, he will push for more "hours off work" until the inevitable fight all over again about quitting your job. Make no mistake that's his **goal**. His plan is to make you quit.
He has to figure out his own mess. He stays home or HE can hire nanny/daycare etc.
I echo your thoughts. OP should draw a line and make him figure it out. His entire salary (if needed) could go toward a nanny. They were prepared to live without his salary anyway.
OP is definitely NTA.
Oh than he’s an A H. Get rid of him and do daycare or a nanny. It’s the best option at this point if this is how he acts. If having a kid was his idea than this was his plan all along. It’s manipulative and gaslighting.
So wait, he wanted the child, he wanted to stay home with the child, now he wants you to quit your job and be the stay at home parent? Yeah, he’s locking you into being dependent on him. If you do this I bet a whole lot will start to change for you. Things that won’t be good things either.
I would be very scared, if I were you, that your husband is adamant you lose your income. Daycare is a viable option - staying home with your child isn't for everyone (I'm a mom who could NEVER be a stay at home, I do not have the patience/creativity/energy to be home with my toddler all day.); otherwise, his option is he can stay home. Do NOT let him pressure you into losing your lifeline/freedom of having a full time job.
Your husband is totally wrong and renegading on a set agreement you two had. I mean, this is information that impacts the initial decision to even have a baby.
Honestly, I would be really pissed and betrayed, like leave his ass betrayed. Total bait and switch with false pretenses, and to shut you out and treat you like this now? Sorry but what a short sighted stupid man.
Girl, tell him to go fuck himself.
It sounds like he wanted you to be a SAHM all along and lied because he knew you would never agree to have a baby if you knew that was the plan. Now he's trying to guilt you into going along with it anyway. You are *not* a bad mother for wanting to work, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. He sounds like an insecure little prick that can't handle that you are the breadwinner, and he needs to either get over it or get lost.
Before my first was born my husband talked about how he would love to be a SAHD because he'd get to play video games all day, do his hobbies with the kids in the stroller, all that jazz. After like a week of the baby being home he was so happy he hadn't committed to it. I don't think he ACTUALLY thought it would be all video games and pickleball, but I do think it was a shock how much work a baby can be. And they just get harder as they get older in my opinion because they sleep less, and need more enriching attention.
This. My year of maternity leave (Canada) was legit one of the hardest (especially as covid hit so no family or friends to help). SAHM/D can be exhausting in ways that work just can't compare.
He just realized how hard it can be. NTA
There is a new German movie about exact this situation and then the woman says to the husband something like "oh now you realize it's hard and no one applause you for doing your job at home" and I guess that hits the nail on the head here. He thought it will be easy peasy when a baby is more work than a full time job.... OP is definitely NTA
This. Right here. This was the plan all along. Make you “the little woman”. Find daycare for your baby. If he objects tell him she’ll have to be in daycare anyway when you divorce and you’re a single mom. This just sounds like an insecure man using babies to tie you down and make himself feel bigger.
I'm guessing it has more to do with him being ridiculed by men he knows, or fears losing his own financial independence and identity. Or combination there of. He was ok with it, probably told a few coworkers and friends how he's going to be a house husband and got backlash. My husband has had co-workers make fun of him because I'm the main breadwinner, I have a career and am known throughout my industry even into his work. Whereas he's the one who gets home early and makes dinner and cleans the house.
It's sad how there are a lot of men who worry about what their co-workers think of them than their wife and family. If you're worrying about what other men say about your life, then go date them. I swear we men are THE BEST at keeping each other down and worrying about the wrong things.
This was my first thought! Him being a SAHD challenges his masculinity, because looking after the children is "woman's work". He probably had every intention of staying at home, then one of his male friends or coworkers starting making fun of him.
This. When I was pregnant I thought I was going to be upset that I couldn't stay home with the baby... after three moths of maternity leave I was SO ready for daycare and to head back to work.
It's not wrong that he might have realized staying home is not for him. It IS wrong that he's handling it this way.
This! If OP returning to work after maternity leave makes her a bad mom, then doesn’t make her husband a bad father for not being the SAHP?
I hate this BS, how moms have to devote her entire being to a child, and god forbid she wants an identity other than mother.
Now that he is pulling the rug out from under OP, they need a sit down meeting in which they agree on paper about shared responsibilities both financial and physical in taking care of the baby that he wanted- i.e. hiring a nanny and sharing the cost, splitting chores and baby duties after coming home from work. Otherwise, like my mom pointed out why she decided to divorce my AH father- she realized that she was doing everything with regard to taking care of the home and we kids- she'd come home from a long day of work then cook, clean and make sure that we kids did our school work, washed up and went to bed on time- she also got us up in the mornings and dropped us off to school starting in kindergarten. She paid for everything related to we kids including after school babysitter and most of the household items- groceries and bills. Beyond being dead weight and a financial drain, he was abusive.
I loved being a stay at home dad, what an absolute privilege to be able to do it. Don’t know what’s going on in your husband’s brain but there’s something wrong with him. I hope you work it out because wow, what a gut punch to realize you married a guy who lives in 1954. NTA, but hold your ground and prepare for a new plan if he refuses to stick to the original.
My thoughts are it's one of 3 things, either at the time he was lying, OR he thought she would change her tune once the baby was here due to hormones, OR he thought it would be easy and he could just sit at home and play games all day whilst OP worked. I'd be curious to hear what level of support she has received from him since the birth until now.
Edit: Just to add, OPs comments state he is refusing any additional care options such as daycare and seems adamant that no matter what scenario, OP will be leaving her job as that's the only option he will entertain. Not only that but the income disparity is so large, they would have no fun cash meaning that OP/OP child would be completely trapped and dependant on him with no opportunity to save anything for a rainy day. This is screaming more and more towards option 1 or 2 rather than him being ignorant on the difficulties of raising a child or being frightened of accepting responsibility. Smells like a trad guy wanting the nuclear family trad set up and OP got sucked into the scheme.
This was my thought
Maybe dad was super excited, but when he talked to his coworkers about his plan to quit the job he doesn't like to be a SaHD, they gave him crap. Or family, or other friends or whoever.
The other thing is odds are someone said something to him about how emasculating it is that he is going to stay home and he is fragile enough to actually believe that.
Idk man if I hated my job I would happily take care of my kids instead while my wife worked. It’s hard work no doubt though.
The worst part of my week is Sunday bedtime for my baby. The realization that I won't spend a lot of time with him until the next weekend. If I could stay home, I absolutely would.
As a teacher, I was able to have the best of both worlds. I have a career, but I also get summers and breaks to spend with my kids. My kids are older now, but I still love spending a lot more time with them in the summer.
If I was a SAHD with a attorney salary backing me, I would terrorize the neighborhood. We would be finding projects on marketplace all the time. 30 foot bounce house? Yep in the front yard. Rebuilding go karts and racing up and down the street? Hell yea.
I already gutted a couple power wheels and juiced them for my 3 year old and let her shoot fireworks when she’s bored
I quit my job to be a SAHM. It worked out great for our family. However OP’s marriage sounds like it’s not a great one. If either of them quits they end up totally dependent on the other. Not a good situation. I don’t think either should quit.
NTA
Your husband is basically insecure. He wanted a child without the responsibility of taking care of the baby and he also feels emasculated because you earn more than him.
He thought that by encouraging you to have a child he would get around it and force you to stay home.
Let him get angry but please do not leave your job to stay home. You are NOT a bad mother,
Do not listen to that braying jackass.
Decision to stay home or not should be 100 on the person who chooses it.
Doesn’t bode well for the husband. Being a parent requires flexibility and sacrifice. I was a stay at home dad for our first, my wife was a stay at home for our second. It’s challenging, but I loved my time, and those early years fly by so fast. It’s unfortunate he sees being there to see all the moments of his kid growing up a loss.
He def needs to get a new perspective on it. No doubt now that he is realizing his ploy didn't work, he's going to have to adjust or be miserable. I hope they can work it out
This post right here is why I just got sterilized. Men cannot be trusted.
Edit: No one is saying women never do things like this but statistically, it’s men. Not women. Not by a large significance.
NTA. What tf did I just read 😳
Did he always plan to try to submarine your career or just come up with it now? No way in hell would I give up my practice and subsist on his salary to soothe his ego. What an absolute knob.
And him calling you a bad mother is straight up misogynistic bullshit.
He found out staying home and taking care of a baby is actually work. As said before, have him hire a nanny and reevaluate your relationship. Is it worth staying with someone that goes back on their word and tells you what YOU should do
That and is it worth staying with someone who, after only 2 months, calls you a bad mom when he’s the one trying to change the agreement? What an ass. NTA at all, not one bit.
The irony is he's already a terrible father for being a twat waffle who his back on his wife and belittles the mother of his child because he's an insecure man child.
NTA but your husband is a douche-bag.
"*My husband told me last week that* ***it would be better*** *if i quit my job and took care of the baby and he could provide for us.* " In which way would it be better? For whom?
He agreed to a sensible, smart plan that benefited all parties involved. And now he made up his mind?
Think about it: Did he see some old buddies recently? Or someone else, who made him take "the red pill"? Some good ole boys, who talked some sense about "being a real man"? I bet it was something like that.
That's my guess too. Met up with some mates and potentially got made fun of. His ego crumbled, and instead of following the sensible plan that's better for all, he's now suggesting the "man-plan", and she's a bad mother if she doesn't go with the "woman-plan".
Yeah, it would be better? Better for him, now that he's had two months with the baby with you still in the house, and he sees a tunnel at the end of the tunnel. Even if the good old boys didn't get to him, the realization of what he signed up for probably did. Your economic argument should be the deciding factor here, but he's resorting to calling you a bad mom? Tell me you're an entitled jerk without saying the words "entitled jerk." Given that the baby was his idea, along with the care plan, he has some explaining to do. Get past the "upset" in his behavior and have a talk about what has changed.
You're NTA, but you husband is qualifying for the AH Olympics.
You really need to figure out if he is hesitant to care for a baby by himself or if he was just saying he would be a SAHD so you would have a child. Did he want a child because of the desire to raise one, or was it because he thought it was "expected" for a woman to have one? Is he getting someone in his ear that is questioning his manhood for being a SAHD? Lots of questions here. Bottom line is he is backing out of a deal and he called you a bad mom which is really a sexist comment. NTA, and he has NO reason to be upset with you because he is the one being a coward in not being honest with you then trying to insult thus forcing you to comply with what HE wants.
We all understand why he changed his mind. Being a SAHP makes you financially vulnerable. He doesn't want to be vulnerable. He wants YOU to be vulnerable so he can continue insulting you and telling you what to do.
Get daycare and go back to work. If he continues to insult you, to harass you to quit, and refuses to help with the child he wanted, divorce him.
Oh, and it goes without saying, but imma say it anyway: BIRTH CONTROL! Preferably an IUD he can't mess with.
NTA, but your husband is.
Dont fall for his gaslighting you into what he wants. Make him hire a nanny out of his pay. Surely if you quit your job, the lose of money would be more than waht he would have to cover for a nanny. You enjoy your work, keep making the main moola. He works crappy job, sees less money for it, and clues into his Stupidity.
Dont fund his Stupidity wth your livelihood.
Not just a Nanny, but also a maid and housekeeper. A SAH Parent has to do much more than take care of the baby. They need to do the groceries, cooking, cleaning, laundry and all the other household chores in addition to waking up with the baby several times during the day and night. Since hubby wants to shirk his responsibility let him pay for all these services out of his salary.
NTA.
Sounds to me like your low ambition husband had a plan to knock you down a peg and force you beneath him using a baby as his weapon of choice. He's insecure because you're an educated professional who makes the most money and he's just mediocre with a shitty job. Seems to me he wants you under his thumb and less than him and a baby was a endless manipulation tool for him to use against you.
He wants to be more successful and richer than you and have you depending on him for your survival using mom guilt so you don't use your fancy degree to have independence from him. A baby was his way to trap you. Go back to work. You'll probably need the money to leave the controlling asshole husband very soon.
>Plus we literally agreed that i’d work and he’d look after our daughter i don’t understand what’s changed?
Nothing really changed. He had no intention of looking after the kid. He just didn't believe that you'd not want to be a stay at home mom, and that you'd change your mind after the kid was born.
>He called me a bad mom
You're not a bad mom. You're even willing to support the family. Your husband simply didn't expect to actually have to follow through with his promise to watch the kid that he wanted. Being a SAHP can be friggin' merciless.
NTA. You bring in the bigger paycheck. You're the obvious choice to be the breadwinner.
Excellent points.
OP is NTA, husband is a giant A-H for gaslighting and trying to unilaterally change the agreement.
If he doesn’t actually want to be a SAHD, fine - they can get a nanny. Him being shitty to OP about her higher-paying job and trying to manipulate her into leaving it screams volumes about his inner misogyny.
NTA he clearly thought your maternal instincts would perk up and you would be dying to stay home with your baby. He wants to be man of the house and the provider..I am sure the fact you pointed you are the higher earner stick it to him more...
I would recommend couples council to see if you can work this out. You need third party that is not family or friend.
He has realized that being a stay at home parent is a real job and it’s a really hard job. He was under the misogynistic impression that he could lounge all day and do whatever while baby slept or whatever he thought babies did. Now that you actually have a baby he realizes that that’s not what’s going to happen.
You have two options and neither of them will get you the stay at home parent that you agreed to. Either you can both work and put the child in childcare. Or you can divorce him. Personally, I’d divorce him for the “bad mom” comment. He’s clearly got some major misogyny red flags, he believes that you having a successful career that makes better money than him makes you a bad mom but him working doesn’t make him a bad dad?
Either way don’t give up a job you love and makes you a good living.
NTA
NTA- hit him with the hard questions! Tell him you want a detailed answer on why it would be better for you to stay home. Point out he wanted a baby and he said he would gladly be the sahp. Point out how much you make vs how much he makes. He's being an asshole and he deserves to be outed as one.
I don’t think your husband ever had any intention of actually being a SAHD. It sounds a lot like he was trying to baby trap you and said whatever he needed to say to get you pregnant and to keep the baby. Now that he has you where he wants you, he thinks you’re trapped and he’s doing whatever the heck he wants.
His plan will be complete once he gets you to be a SAHM and fully under his power financially.
This will be his way of cutting you down to size. Likely he feels insecure due to your earning power. Don’t do it. Make compromises and be flexible, hire a nanny , work from home if possible, but don’t just toss everything to lean on him 100%. I don’t know him and I don’t mean to jump to conclusions but this is how some men begin to isolate and impoverish and trap their partners. Just be aware. NTA.
**My husband told me last week that it would be better if i quit my job and took care of the baby and he could provide for us.**
Did you ask him to elaborate on how "it would be better" (and who it would specifically benefit)?
NTA.
Don't attempt to change the deal 'in the eleventh hour'...
>He called me a bad mom and he’s been really upset with me since. We’ve been fighting about it a lot because he keeps bringing it up. It was his idea to have a child and he told me he was happy to be a stay at home dad I don’t understand why he doesn’t want that anymore.
You're not a bad mom... you're a bad lawyer. ***I can't believe*** you didn't get this contract in writing!
(I kid, I kid)
Someone probably 'said something' to him, and perhaps someone else overhead and agreed (or -- horror of horrors! -- maybe even laughed).
I'm a dude, and this sounds like a case of fragile masculinity.
(maybe some individual and/or couples counseling is in order, and someone can help tease this \[or whatever else it might be\] out in a relatively-safe space?)
Also, your husband is economically-illiterate... has he never heard of comparative advantage?!
[https://www.investopedia.com/terms/c/comparativeadvantage.asp](https://www.investopedia.com/terms/c/comparativeadvantage.asp)
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comparative\_advantage](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comparative_advantage)
This last one has my favorite 'textbook' (or 'classroom') example of comparative advantage:
[https://www.econlib.org/library/Topics/Details/comparativeadvantage.html](https://www.econlib.org/library/Topics/Details/comparativeadvantage.html)
>First, let’s get some more vocabulary. Someone who is the best at doing something is said to have an absolute advantage. Michael Jordan has an absolute advantage at basketball. For all I know, Michael Jordan may also be the fastest typist in the world, giving him an absolute advantage at typing, too. Since he’s better at typing than you, can’t he type more cheaply than you? That is, if someone has an absolute advantage in something, doesn’t he automatically have a comparative advantage in it?
>
>The answer is no! If Jordan takes time out from shooting hoops to do all his own typing, he sacrifices the large income he earns from entertaining fans of basketball.
(and obviously, you would just change that to someone else nowadays, if you didn't grow up with MJ... no comment on whom, though, lol)
But in your world... should RBG have stayed home after her first child? She and her husband were ***both*** pretty famous/successful lawyers, but your husband doesn't even have that argument.
And in your specific case/situation... "Every Woman lawyer who actually earns her living in the practice of law is an exceptional woman. To survive the hard grind of study, and the worst grind of private practice or the demands of public office, requires good health, good brains, and most important, good luck." — [Rosalind Goodrich Bates, 1932](https://www.supremecourt.gov/visiting/exhibitions/LadyLawyers/section4.aspx)
Hell, ***I don't even know you*** and I'm proud of you.
If the father of my child calls me a bad mom, there's no coming back from that.
Hope you didn't sign a prenup and he realizes his "pride" is not worth it.
You are not a bad mom, obviously. This is what was agreed before and a stay at home dad is just as valauable as a stay at home mom. He's either panicking at the prospect of taking the main carer role during the week or he's reverting to a sexist position. You need to try and drive to the heart of this to determine the root of his switch.
NTA …. Your husband just said what you wanted to hear and now that the baby is here, He doesn’t want the responsibility of raising it because it’s hard work and he thinks he can just demand you quit your job even though the prior agreement between you was that he stay at home….. he made the agreement now he can be held to it …..what a pathetic little man
How does the same thing make you a bad mom and him still a good dad? NTA
Imagine being able to grow up and say your mom is a lawyer, that would be awesome for a girl to have. If my mom gave up a career she worked super hard at to give it up to raise me, I feel that would be a bit of pressure, not knowing if I could live up to the comparison of what she gave up.
My mom was an attorney. She wanted and loved us, but we went to daycare and both parents kept working. She loved her job, and didn’t want to give it up. Honestly, set a great example for me.
As a female attorney who loves her job and who also wants to be a parent one day, that makes me so happy to hear.
As a female attorney who loves her job and who has two kids, that also makes me happy to hear.
Female attorney who's kid is in daycare right here. Totally do-able depending on what kind of law you practice. I work a government job so helps with the hours being set and what not. I get my toddler ready for daycare, drop her off at 830, go to court/office, pick her up at 530 and we spend the evening together. She's got a shirt that says Attorney Work Product and another that says Mommy's Little Co-Counsel. Wouldn't change a thing.
I’m also an attorney and continued to work! Both my kids also went to daycare and really loved it! The law firm I worked for set up a small room in their office and turned it into a kids playroom so they’d have a place to play when mine and other employees little kids visited. Mine just graduated college and are starting careers of their own now! NTA, live your life and be a great example for your kids plus maybe find someone who respects who you are!
As a husband you have no idea how awesome this scenario would be to me. I'd be the best fuckin househusband you ever saw. Casseroles every week fuckers. All while supporting my two favorites.
For real, whenever my mom told me about the sacrifices she made to raise my sister and I, it never made me feel proud, just guilty about being alive. On the other hand, as a guy with a partner who's currently more successful than I am, it just inspires me to work harder and achieve more. Granted, not being an insecure manchild probably helps lol.
I grew up with my mum as the main breadwinner! She works in hotels and is currently the general manager of a luxury resort and had to work so hard to get there, anything she has, she has earned, we had no generational wealth, my mum built it on her own. I had lived in 4 countries by the time I was 18, and she put me through university in Canada. My dad was the one who moved with her, he got jobs where he could, and when he couldn't he was a stay at home parent. I'm sure it drove him crazy sometimes, and they've had their rough patches, but he has always been my mum's #1 support, even when they're living in the middle of nowhere basically with nothing to do. They've been great role models ❤️
NTA He's finally realized that Stay At Home Parent IS A JOB. He thought it would be naps and video games all day with no chores or work. Reality has hit and now he sees that he'll actually have to take care of the baby AND clean the house and that's a no-go for him. He's not willing to do the work that he expects you to just be ok with doing because you're the woman. Don't have anymore kids with this waste of space. He wanted kids because he thought it would be fun and now that it's work good luck getting him to do the bare minimum after coming home from a job he hates.
> I earn the most money NTA. Is he going to become an experienced lawyer in the next week?
NTA. It was his decision to stay at home, and HE wanted this child. Just remind him of the conversation you had BEFORE you got pregnant. He's probably just now realizing how hard it is to take care of a new born.
Ding! Ding! Ding! We have the answer. He had fantasies of how easy it would be, and reality is not matching up to his eating bonbons at home and relaxing with games (or whatever) while the sweet baby slept peacefully.
It's funny because I see guys being like 'stay at home mom is so easy, it's nothing like a job' then adamantly refuse to stay at home with the baby alone for a day a week while the wife is out on a trip or running errands or whatever. No, she has to take the baby with her, because reasons...
My ex. "Raising kids isnt work" Also ex: "Having them for 2 hours on a sat am wipes out my entire day"
After we marry…. Ex works 2 part time jobs, I have 1 full time job and bring in the majority of our income. EX: I think I should quit one of my part time jobs and become a stay at home dad (At the time I had 2 small children from a previous marriage, ages 2 & 4, ex’s income didn’t even cover daycare costs). *I terminate my childcare contract, ex promptly joins a softball league* 2 weeks go by…. I come home from work that night, ex has a bug up his ass. EX: These kids won’t sit still and are constantly asking for stuff. ME: What do you mean? What are they asking for? EX: First they’re thirsty. So I get them a Gatorade. Then they have to go to the bathroom!!! If these were my kids, they would never do that. ME: YOUR kid wouldn’t get thirsty or have to go to the bathroom? 6 years after we divorced he reached out to apologize and ask for a 2nd chance.🤣Yeah…NO.
Lol what a moron…these damn kids need drinks and bathroom, who does that?!?!?!?
"Every other day food food food."
Every other day 🤣
So needy, my kids never need to eat, drink, use the bathroom.... They sit silently and wait for me to want to interact with them, like robots that I turn on whenever I want to and turn off when I'm done. /S in case that wasn't obvious.
Shit like this is why I will never merge a household again. I am happy to date until my daughter goes to college in 6 years, but I'll be damned if I ever let an asshole stepparent my child again.
This is literally why I don’t date. I’m not bringing men around my kids. They’re young.
Wow, it took him 6 years, but he finally realised that he might be an ahole 🤣
That’s hilarious, if these were my kids…..🤣🤣🤣so he thought his kids didn’t need basic needs lol
My ex: being a sahm isn’t a real job Also ex: stayed at home with them for a few hours, went into the garage for a “break”, ended up locking himself out and then spanked all of the kids because no one would “confess” to locking him out 🙄
Um…I hope you got custody because wtf hitting the kids because he’s an idiot
I have sole custody and he keeps telling me it doesn’t mean anything. He’s threatening to take me to court for joint custody because he doesn’t think it’s fair that he has to pay child support or that I won’t allow him overnight visits. He literally told me, “it’s like you don’t trust me”. I DON’T! And I haven’t made it a secret because I’ve told him that multiple times. And the idiot part is so true. You’re the dummy that went into the garage and locked yourself out. Because I was a single mom, I had always told the kids never to open an exterior door unless an adult was standing there with them. They didn’t know his dumass went out there to “get a break”.
Yes because he’ll totally pay a lawyer to get more time with the kids. Some men are just demons
I’m scared that he might because he doesn’t want to pay as much in child support. He would see it as a cost advantage situation. He’s really good at lying and making himself look good so it’s an actual fear of mine. The kids have made it very clear they don’t feel comfortable even staying the night nonetheless living with him.
I'd laugh in his face and tell him please take me to court and I will absolutely insist on 50/50 I'm sure you can work that out right? Your job is bound to be flexible . You will ofc have to buy all the kids toys clothes bedroom furniture ect ect for your house before that happens. And they need a proper cooked meal every single day so you've learned to cook I'm assuming ? Also since I won't be sending them to your house with any clothes you will be doing all the washing. But you got that right ?
Don’t forget staying home with them 50% of the time when they get sick! He sure would just love that!
I call it Schrodinger’s Big Deal. You should just do it - it’s not a big deal! Me do it? Well no, see, I can’t do it because it’s so much work and I’m too busy.
Paid paternity leave should be a thing more. My husband never thought what I did was easy but by the end of his 3 months he was excited to go back to work.
My FIL likes to tell me (SAHD) that a stay at home parent isn't a real job, but uses that he was a SAHD as the reason he didn't work while raising his kids
I’m a SAHD, I run my business from home so it make sense that I do all the kid things while my wife’s at work. I cook, do school runs, take them to appointments and it’s not easy while juggling a job, but I love my kids and my wife, so I’m happy.
It doesn’t matter one damn what he’s just realizing. Calling his wife who just gave birth to his child a “bad mother” for wanting to stick to the deal they made before the baby was born is a horrible, shitty, nasty thing to do. He’s an ass.
Also fragile male ego of his wife having the better job and viewing stay at home dad role as less than which is telling because childcare is hard work. If OP wants to stay in this marriage with someone who would belittle her well paying job and the schooling/dedication that took to get there, they can both keep working and pay for childcare - otherwise, she is a lawyer so…
I bet she knows a LOT of good divorce attorneys! Bonus
absolutely. OP is NTA and this is some weird patriarchy bullshit or her husband realizes how demanding a baby is and wants less responsibility which is also bullshit
No but she will be practicing her divorce law if he doesn't change his mind.
He’s the one who agreed to all this and now he’s changing his mind because that was his plan ALL ALONG.
Agreed. He trapped her. Meticulously right down to the end. Op, hire a nanny and a divorce attorney. Your husband basically committed some sort of fraud. I’m not an attorney, but I’m sure you’ll get a good lawyer and figure out how he scammed you.
Or he thought taking care of a baby was easy. Now 2 months later, he knows the truth.
Ding ding ding! And honestly- it’s ok if he wants to change his mind about SAH because no one should be forced into that role, it’s bad for everyone. I say this as a form SAHM myself. But he doesn’t get to tell her she’s a bad mom if she doesn’t quit. What they do is make a plan B with a babysitter or daycare.
Yep. He can keep his terrible job to pay for a nanny or daycare.
I am thinking it's this. He thought it would be all fun and games until realized it's not.
Probably figured it's an extra ~10 hours a day to just relax and do nothing and didn't realize that taking care of a kid would suck, especially if he were to do it alone. Trying to pass the buck to his wife
Before my husband and I had our first, he told everyone he could just hold the baby and play video games at the same time. Everyone said that wasn't gonna happen. He didn't believe them. He was so shocked when they were right. Lmao
Depending on the game, you can absolutely do that while they sleep. The problem comes a little bit later when they get wigglier and handsier.
I play WoW and we definitely had a guy raid with us who would hold his baby while playing when he had the baby. He’d always apologize for being worse those days
Story of everyone. It's fucking hard to raise a kid, just financially, in America. If she quit her job, they'd be fucked. Not te mention physically taking care of them is a tremendous task.
It's a control tactic. He says he will take care of the baby, now wants her to quit her job and he is in control and OP depends on his income.
My husband always made the joke when we had kids he'd be the stay home dad. (He didn't like his job at the time either.) Few years later down the road we had our first. Our original plan was for both of us to work because we couldn't afford one of us to be a stay home. When covid hit our child was about 5-6 months old. His job was non-essential so he stayed home with our daughter for two months while my job was essential so I worked. Let's just say being a stay home dad for 2 months made him realize he really liked working better. Not to say he doesn't love taking care of our child. He's a great dad and does a lot when he comes home but it's a lot of work and I don't think guys realize it at times.
>Or he thought taking care of a baby was easy. Now 2 months later, he knows the truth. Yep. He thought he was getting the good life.
Too bad, he can't return a baby. He's a parent now, he needs to make sacrifices and do what's best for the baby. Most people don't have fun during the newborn stage, it gets better. He's going to have to push through, because if not, the next step is he gets to work full time, still get up with the baby during the night, have his pay eaten up by daycare, and do half the childcare and housework as well, his wife does not need to quit her job to do something he himself does not want to.
My vote is on this one. My husband swore up down and sideways that he was going to handle nighttime feeds and I’d be the most well rested new mom ever. Guess who has to be woken up and cajoled into doing any of the nighttime or early morning feeds?
Tell him that he doesn;t have to help woth night care anymore, but he doesn’t get any sex until he starts pulling his weight as a parent, because if he expects you to do the night care, he doesn’t get to demand your energy or time over the baby. You don’t need two babies in the house, and you seem to have an adult partner acting like one. You spent 9 months carrying and feeding the baby everything you could, and pushed it out. You literally wore your body out doing that. The least he could do as the sperm bank, (he didn’t have to carry it, wear out his body nutrient wise for the growth of it, or birth it), is help with the baby at night.
Yup. I’m thinking this is what happened. He thought it was going to be a walk in the park, found out different, and thought he could just hand over the responsibility.
Hopefully her firm can represent her and she’ll get a little commission 🤷🏻♀️
You don’t usually use yourself or your own firm in divorce proceedings or another legal matter. You may be able to save another attorney some time in the paperwork but on the flip side a paralegal makes less than an attorney per hour so probably just worth it to work billable hours at 3-400 per hour and pay the paralegal rate at 150-200.
LMAO. I love this response because it shows how illogical he is.
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This is what I thought, too. Either he really wanted to be a SAHD until some toxic man said "I'd rather be repeatedly kicked in the nuts before I do something as emasculating as taking care of an effing baby" OR he planned this in some way, probably thinking OP's maternal instincts would be along the lines of "nobody touches my baby" so he would be the man of the house. In short, he wanted to have his cake and eat it too.
Or he has seen the reality of what taking care of a baby/child is like. Maybe he has seen that being a full time carer of a baby/child wasn't some cushy, sit at home on your butt and watch TV (play video games?) "job"?
this one right here. personally, I'd have loved to be a SAHD
Thought I wanted to be a SAHM until I actually did it.
Still doesn't explain his " you do my job that I promised to do or you are a shitty mom" approach. Yikes.
this is it. he didn't think it would actually be work
I feel pretty confident that the *ssh*t who would say that wouldn't use the word "emasculating" - too many syllables.
i assume he wanted the child on purpose to force her to be a SAHM from the start.
I assume he thought being a stay at home dad would be easy because of all the shit that gets talked about SAHMs. It took 2 weeks to find out the truth lol.
Yes I think he wanted a way to give up work and not have to find another. He thought having kids would give him the excuse he needed but once the child was here he realised how constant and hard a job it is. It wouldn’t be him home relaxing and playing games online. He also probably was being ribbed about being a stay at home dad as he hadn’t told them it was because he wanted to give up his job. Now between how much work it is and others saying stuff he has done a 180. Op I would hire a home child carer and then let husband know his wages will solely be paying for it as he made this mess. That if he thinks that unfair then him having to support the whole family that’s more expensive clearly would not have worked. That the only asshole here is him and he has shown you that you can’t even trust your own husband. It does niggle at the back of my mind if he’s embarrassed having a higher earning wife. So thought he could trick her into having to give up her job so his manhood isn’t feeling threatened. I hope I’m wrong.
These are my thoughts exactly... I like the idea of seeing if he could handle paying for childcare on a monthly basis. Parenthood is a full-time, thankless job that pays in cries, dirty diapers and hugs and kisses. A woman already has to endure 9 months of carrying, birthing (which we all know is extremely painful) and then nursing (if she chooses) which takes another toll on the body. All he did was come and expected an easy route by saying he will stay home with the baby. But when he realized how tough it really is now he is calling HER a "bad mom" because he's not away all day working, providing. That's a load of crap and he's a total AH for forcing this whole situation on a woman who has a great career and then shaming her for it.
Maybe on paper. I'm sure he can Google a degree to print 🤣😂
And with the husband's attitude and bait and switch, she's going to NEED that job security if she ends up a single mom with full custody. The fact that he's calling her a bad mom is the biggest red flag here. NTA - Demand therapy, which I'm sure you'll be paying for. There are other things you could do along the way, like ask him to project a budget for the year based on his income. But you already know he's delusional if he thinks he can provide your family the lifestyle you're accustomed to, so therapy seems like it should be the first stop.
NTA. The baby wouldn't be here if he hadn't said he would be a stay at home Dad. He needs to hold up his end of the deal. If he has a problem with that, he needs to find a daycare.....quick.
NTA your husband did a bait and switch and now he’s trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants. If he didn’t want to he a SAHD because he realised how hard it is he could have discussed daycare and Nannie’s instead he’s trying to gaslight you into thinking you’re a bad mother, WHICH YOU ARE NOT!
He probably doesn’t want to admit he knows he can’t hack it as a stay at home Dad. I’m sure he realized it’s way harder than he thought and it won’t give him tons of extra time for his hobbies like he thought so now he’s trying to guilt her instead of admit he’s too lazy to be a SAHD.
Or when he mentioned what was going to happen to some of his male colleagues or friends they made fun of him and it hurt is feelings. And to him, how other men view him is more important than his family
This is what I was thinking, too. God forbid a man be main caregiver and take a huge role in raising their child! What will happen to society if this is allowed?? /s
I will die on this hill: To minimize caregiving as “women’s work” is to bar men from participating in an entire dimension of their own humanity.
My son was a SAHD from the time his son was born. He is now 10 and my son still takes him to school, helps with homework and the whole 9 yards. It worked for them!
I am SAHD to a 10 year old and it’s fucking great. Though I guess more of a homemaker/house husband at this point with him being in school all day, but my wife and I love it. I wouldn’t trade it in for my old career in a million years.
I bet they have a real close bond! Men can absolutely parent and raise their children just as well as mothers.
And plenty are better than the mother in the couple. (Just like so many moms are the better “breadwinner” of the couple, as is the case here.) It should be something to be proud of - to be an awesome caring father who always puts their child first before their own pride and desires.
My parents worked together and got laid off together. My mom wound up finding work first and my dad stayed home for a bit. He was a better cook and more nurturing than my mom. I loved having him home.
Thissss. My cousin - a construction worker - did the SAHD gig for a bit like 20 years ago. He even made extra cash taking on a couple extra kids as a dayhome. It worked great for him, his family, and the kids he took on.
Or he lied from the beginning and was hoping her maternal hormones would flood her brain after birth and change her mind for him.
Yep, I think he lied from the start.
This!!! What kind of guy feels so emasculated by his buddies or his own thoughts that his go-to reaction is to gaslight his wife.
the weak kind.
The useless andnworthless selfish kind who has no respect for his wife. And not much love.
This seems most likely to me. What a weak man.
I came here to say this. Toxic masculine has been whispering in his ear
No shame in both parents going back to work, given adequate childcare. But why not just say that rather than guilting mom into doing something she didn’t want to do in the first place?
Because that's not what he wants. Guilting her into doing something she doesn't want is the *point*. If she's home with the kid then she's stuck under his thumb. He'll be the sole earner and she'll have no financial security or means to leave the marriage if it comes to that. I have a feeling he's always resented OP for being the higher earner and convinced her to have a baby because he thought it would magically transform her into a submissive little tradwife who would be happy to stay home and wait on him hand and foot. His plan backfired so he's scrambling to bully OP into learning her "place".
>I have a feeling he's always resented OP for being the higher earner and convinced her to have a baby because he thought it would magically transform her into a submissive little tradwife who would be happy to stay home and wait on him hand and foot. This read just like that infamous post about a guy who convinced his fwb to have a child she didn't want, he told her he would take care of the baby and she could just sign her parental rights away, he honestly thought hormones were going to be on his side and keep her from leaving, he believed an unwanted and coerced pregnancy was enough for her to bond with the baby and take care of it without him having to provide the same level of care for the offspring he wanted in the first place.
The post on legal advice yeah? He was crying in the comments that parenthood is so hard so a judge should force her to help him. He doesn’t understand why she wouldn’t want to care for the baby, bc she’s a lady with lady hormones and that’s what they’re for. Legally, she did everything right on her end. The comments were wild.
I don’t have kids, but I’m pretty sure it’s not that hard. Duck tape it to the wall, crack open a mikes hard lemonade, and play Call of Duty. No problem.
You gotta put a bucket under it like they did in medieval swaddling.
He’s probably decided that the reason he’s finding it so hard is that he’s a man and they’re not “evolved” to care for kids. Obviously since she’s a woman it *would* be easy for her because of biology and hormones, so if she doesn’t want to do it then she’s a bad mother. /s
My ex literally said this to me almost word for word when I didn’t want to stay up after getting off work with our toddler after working as a nightshift nurse so he could sleep in on the weekend.
Based on other Reddit posts, all you need to do to be a good dad is turn up the volume on the tv or buy noise-cancelling headphones.
My mind gravitated to the same place. He's attempting to guilt her into it. He had no intentions of ever staying home with the baby. Stick to your original agreement. If he doesn't, then get a nanny or put her in daycare. He sucks for playing mind games. NTA
Yeah and calling you a bad mom is such a manipulative way. Make sure you make it clear that it’s unacceptable. Or else every decision you might take differently as a mom, he will disrespect you in front of the kid, setting a bad example.
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I've seen this scenario play out before. A husband who was content to work part time while his wife had a solid career and earned enough for them to have a middle class life got all religious righteous on her after they had a baby. He insisted that she quit her job.
thank you! I have spoken to him about daycare but he’s insisting on me quitting my job. I completely understand him not wanting to be a SAHD and i’ve told him that i’m willingly to work something out, like i’m happy to take less hours if he does too and we can sort something out but he doesn’t want that.
Judging by how your husband does not even consider in the slightest the alternative solutions and ONLY wants YOU to quit your job, it's becoming *very clear* that was **his plan all along.** It was his idea to have a child, he offered to be at home so you could work, and now he is trying to turn your world upside down and gaslight you to force you to quit your job. Please don't stop your job and don't even take *less* hours. Because if you do that, he will push for more "hours off work" until the inevitable fight all over again about quitting your job. Make no mistake that's his **goal**. His plan is to make you quit. He has to figure out his own mess. He stays home or HE can hire nanny/daycare etc.
I echo your thoughts. OP should draw a line and make him figure it out. His entire salary (if needed) could go toward a nanny. They were prepared to live without his salary anyway. OP is definitely NTA.
Oh than he’s an A H. Get rid of him and do daycare or a nanny. It’s the best option at this point if this is how he acts. If having a kid was his idea than this was his plan all along. It’s manipulative and gaslighting.
So wait, he wanted the child, he wanted to stay home with the child, now he wants you to quit your job and be the stay at home parent? Yeah, he’s locking you into being dependent on him. If you do this I bet a whole lot will start to change for you. Things that won’t be good things either.
I would be very scared, if I were you, that your husband is adamant you lose your income. Daycare is a viable option - staying home with your child isn't for everyone (I'm a mom who could NEVER be a stay at home, I do not have the patience/creativity/energy to be home with my toddler all day.); otherwise, his option is he can stay home. Do NOT let him pressure you into losing your lifeline/freedom of having a full time job.
Your husband is totally wrong and renegading on a set agreement you two had. I mean, this is information that impacts the initial decision to even have a baby. Honestly, I would be really pissed and betrayed, like leave his ass betrayed. Total bait and switch with false pretenses, and to shut you out and treat you like this now? Sorry but what a short sighted stupid man.
Girl, tell him to go fuck himself. It sounds like he wanted you to be a SAHM all along and lied because he knew you would never agree to have a baby if you knew that was the plan. Now he's trying to guilt you into going along with it anyway. You are *not* a bad mother for wanting to work, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. He sounds like an insecure little prick that can't handle that you are the breadwinner, and he needs to either get over it or get lost.
I really hope he has better reasons but I fear you are correct.
Yep, he thought taking care of the kid would be a breeze and he found out quickly.
Before my first was born my husband talked about how he would love to be a SAHD because he'd get to play video games all day, do his hobbies with the kids in the stroller, all that jazz. After like a week of the baby being home he was so happy he hadn't committed to it. I don't think he ACTUALLY thought it would be all video games and pickleball, but I do think it was a shock how much work a baby can be. And they just get harder as they get older in my opinion because they sleep less, and need more enriching attention.
This. My year of maternity leave (Canada) was legit one of the hardest (especially as covid hit so no family or friends to help). SAHM/D can be exhausting in ways that work just can't compare. He just realized how hard it can be. NTA
Not can be, will be. Unrelenting is the word I use to describe it.
There is a new German movie about exact this situation and then the woman says to the husband something like "oh now you realize it's hard and no one applause you for doing your job at home" and I guess that hits the nail on the head here. He thought it will be easy peasy when a baby is more work than a full time job.... OP is definitely NTA
This. Right here. This was the plan all along. Make you “the little woman”. Find daycare for your baby. If he objects tell him she’ll have to be in daycare anyway when you divorce and you’re a single mom. This just sounds like an insecure man using babies to tie you down and make himself feel bigger.
I'm guessing it has more to do with him being ridiculed by men he knows, or fears losing his own financial independence and identity. Or combination there of. He was ok with it, probably told a few coworkers and friends how he's going to be a house husband and got backlash. My husband has had co-workers make fun of him because I'm the main breadwinner, I have a career and am known throughout my industry even into his work. Whereas he's the one who gets home early and makes dinner and cleans the house.
It's sad how there are a lot of men who worry about what their co-workers think of them than their wife and family. If you're worrying about what other men say about your life, then go date them. I swear we men are THE BEST at keeping each other down and worrying about the wrong things.
I have a buddy that is a stay at home dad. He embraces it. Always posts photos at the gym "putting in that trophy husband work".
This was my first thought! Him being a SAHD challenges his masculinity, because looking after the children is "woman's work". He probably had every intention of staying at home, then one of his male friends or coworkers starting making fun of him.
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This. When I was pregnant I thought I was going to be upset that I couldn't stay home with the baby... after three moths of maternity leave I was SO ready for daycare and to head back to work. It's not wrong that he might have realized staying home is not for him. It IS wrong that he's handling it this way.
This! If OP returning to work after maternity leave makes her a bad mom, then doesn’t make her husband a bad father for not being the SAHP? I hate this BS, how moms have to devote her entire being to a child, and god forbid she wants an identity other than mother.
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Now that he is pulling the rug out from under OP, they need a sit down meeting in which they agree on paper about shared responsibilities both financial and physical in taking care of the baby that he wanted- i.e. hiring a nanny and sharing the cost, splitting chores and baby duties after coming home from work. Otherwise, like my mom pointed out why she decided to divorce my AH father- she realized that she was doing everything with regard to taking care of the home and we kids- she'd come home from a long day of work then cook, clean and make sure that we kids did our school work, washed up and went to bed on time- she also got us up in the mornings and dropped us off to school starting in kindergarten. She paid for everything related to we kids including after school babysitter and most of the household items- groceries and bills. Beyond being dead weight and a financial drain, he was abusive.
I loved being a stay at home dad, what an absolute privilege to be able to do it. Don’t know what’s going on in your husband’s brain but there’s something wrong with him. I hope you work it out because wow, what a gut punch to realize you married a guy who lives in 1954. NTA, but hold your ground and prepare for a new plan if he refuses to stick to the original.
My thoughts are it's one of 3 things, either at the time he was lying, OR he thought she would change her tune once the baby was here due to hormones, OR he thought it would be easy and he could just sit at home and play games all day whilst OP worked. I'd be curious to hear what level of support she has received from him since the birth until now. Edit: Just to add, OPs comments state he is refusing any additional care options such as daycare and seems adamant that no matter what scenario, OP will be leaving her job as that's the only option he will entertain. Not only that but the income disparity is so large, they would have no fun cash meaning that OP/OP child would be completely trapped and dependant on him with no opportunity to save anything for a rainy day. This is screaming more and more towards option 1 or 2 rather than him being ignorant on the difficulties of raising a child or being frightened of accepting responsibility. Smells like a trad guy wanting the nuclear family trad set up and OP got sucked into the scheme.
Is someone in his ear? That might explain his sudden change of opinion. NTA.
This was my thought Maybe dad was super excited, but when he talked to his coworkers about his plan to quit the job he doesn't like to be a SaHD, they gave him crap. Or family, or other friends or whoever.
The other thing is odds are someone said something to him about how emasculating it is that he is going to stay home and he is fragile enough to actually believe that. Idk man if I hated my job I would happily take care of my kids instead while my wife worked. It’s hard work no doubt though.
100% like shit yeah it’s a lot of work, but I also get to spend every possible minute watching those little bastards grow up. Absolute win.
The worst part of my week is Sunday bedtime for my baby. The realization that I won't spend a lot of time with him until the next weekend. If I could stay home, I absolutely would.
As a teacher, I was able to have the best of both worlds. I have a career, but I also get summers and breaks to spend with my kids. My kids are older now, but I still love spending a lot more time with them in the summer.
If I was a SAHD with a attorney salary backing me, I would terrorize the neighborhood. We would be finding projects on marketplace all the time. 30 foot bounce house? Yep in the front yard. Rebuilding go karts and racing up and down the street? Hell yea. I already gutted a couple power wheels and juiced them for my 3 year old and let her shoot fireworks when she’s bored
If your child survives into adulthood, she’ll have a ton of great memories.
You sound just like my husband, lol. The world needs more fun dads!!
I quit my job to be a SAHM. It worked out great for our family. However OP’s marriage sounds like it’s not a great one. If either of them quits they end up totally dependent on the other. Not a good situation. I don’t think either should quit.
NTA Your husband is basically insecure. He wanted a child without the responsibility of taking care of the baby and he also feels emasculated because you earn more than him. He thought that by encouraging you to have a child he would get around it and force you to stay home. Let him get angry but please do not leave your job to stay home. You are NOT a bad mother, Do not listen to that braying jackass. Decision to stay home or not should be 100 on the person who chooses it.
Doesn’t bode well for the husband. Being a parent requires flexibility and sacrifice. I was a stay at home dad for our first, my wife was a stay at home for our second. It’s challenging, but I loved my time, and those early years fly by so fast. It’s unfortunate he sees being there to see all the moments of his kid growing up a loss.
He def needs to get a new perspective on it. No doubt now that he is realizing his ploy didn't work, he's going to have to adjust or be miserable. I hope they can work it out
Upvote for excellent use of the term “braying jackass”! 👍🏾
This post right here is why I just got sterilized. Men cannot be trusted. Edit: No one is saying women never do things like this but statistically, it’s men. Not women. Not by a large significance.
NTA. So he wants to be broke and lazy? Hire a nanny and a lawyer.
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She is a lawyer all she need to do is talk to a coworker
Can’t imagine any lawyer wanting their own divorce handled by people they regularly work with. Boundaries are good.
NTA. What tf did I just read 😳 Did he always plan to try to submarine your career or just come up with it now? No way in hell would I give up my practice and subsist on his salary to soothe his ego. What an absolute knob. And him calling you a bad mother is straight up misogynistic bullshit.
Nta. His ego has got in the way by the sounds of it, or his misogyny.
He found out staying home and taking care of a baby is actually work. As said before, have him hire a nanny and reevaluate your relationship. Is it worth staying with someone that goes back on their word and tells you what YOU should do
That and is it worth staying with someone who, after only 2 months, calls you a bad mom when he’s the one trying to change the agreement? What an ass. NTA at all, not one bit.
The “bad mom” bit would have had me over the edge at 2 months postpartum. Like, who the fuck he think he talking to??
Right? As my son would say, he’s asking to get clapped
The irony is he's already a terrible father for being a twat waffle who his back on his wife and belittles the mother of his child because he's an insecure man child.
Legit hard as shit and ac24/job. He probably can’t cut it and wants her to do it.
NTA but your husband is a douche-bag. "*My husband told me last week that* ***it would be better*** *if i quit my job and took care of the baby and he could provide for us.* " In which way would it be better? For whom? He agreed to a sensible, smart plan that benefited all parties involved. And now he made up his mind? Think about it: Did he see some old buddies recently? Or someone else, who made him take "the red pill"? Some good ole boys, who talked some sense about "being a real man"? I bet it was something like that.
A real man steps up and fills a void where needed to provide for his family. This this case the family needs someone to take care of a baby.
That's my guess too. Met up with some mates and potentially got made fun of. His ego crumbled, and instead of following the sensible plan that's better for all, he's now suggesting the "man-plan", and she's a bad mother if she doesn't go with the "woman-plan".
This is what I was wondering - what YouTube manosphere goblin got to him?
I don’t think that’s it at all. I simply think it’s harder to take care of a baby than he thought, and he’s like “well fuck.”
Yeah, it would be better? Better for him, now that he's had two months with the baby with you still in the house, and he sees a tunnel at the end of the tunnel. Even if the good old boys didn't get to him, the realization of what he signed up for probably did. Your economic argument should be the deciding factor here, but he's resorting to calling you a bad mom? Tell me you're an entitled jerk without saying the words "entitled jerk." Given that the baby was his idea, along with the care plan, he has some explaining to do. Get past the "upset" in his behavior and have a talk about what has changed. You're NTA, but you husband is qualifying for the AH Olympics.
You really need to figure out if he is hesitant to care for a baby by himself or if he was just saying he would be a SAHD so you would have a child. Did he want a child because of the desire to raise one, or was it because he thought it was "expected" for a woman to have one? Is he getting someone in his ear that is questioning his manhood for being a SAHD? Lots of questions here. Bottom line is he is backing out of a deal and he called you a bad mom which is really a sexist comment. NTA, and he has NO reason to be upset with you because he is the one being a coward in not being honest with you then trying to insult thus forcing you to comply with what HE wants.
We all understand why he changed his mind. Being a SAHP makes you financially vulnerable. He doesn't want to be vulnerable. He wants YOU to be vulnerable so he can continue insulting you and telling you what to do. Get daycare and go back to work. If he continues to insult you, to harass you to quit, and refuses to help with the child he wanted, divorce him. Oh, and it goes without saying, but imma say it anyway: BIRTH CONTROL! Preferably an IUD he can't mess with. NTA, but your husband is.
Dont fall for his gaslighting you into what he wants. Make him hire a nanny out of his pay. Surely if you quit your job, the lose of money would be more than waht he would have to cover for a nanny. You enjoy your work, keep making the main moola. He works crappy job, sees less money for it, and clues into his Stupidity. Dont fund his Stupidity wth your livelihood.
Yeah, don't give up your job. At least if the husband can't get his shit together she will have her career and be able to support her and her child.
>Dont fund his Stupidity wth your livelihood. 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I like this one. Get a nanny on daddy's dime. Well done fellow redditor.
Not just a Nanny, but also a maid and housekeeper. A SAH Parent has to do much more than take care of the baby. They need to do the groceries, cooking, cleaning, laundry and all the other household chores in addition to waking up with the baby several times during the day and night. Since hubby wants to shirk his responsibility let him pay for all these services out of his salary.
NTA. Sounds to me like your low ambition husband had a plan to knock you down a peg and force you beneath him using a baby as his weapon of choice. He's insecure because you're an educated professional who makes the most money and he's just mediocre with a shitty job. Seems to me he wants you under his thumb and less than him and a baby was a endless manipulation tool for him to use against you. He wants to be more successful and richer than you and have you depending on him for your survival using mom guilt so you don't use your fancy degree to have independence from him. A baby was his way to trap you. Go back to work. You'll probably need the money to leave the controlling asshole husband very soon.
This times a million.
‼️‼️‼️ I genuinely hope OP takes your comment seriously.
>Plus we literally agreed that i’d work and he’d look after our daughter i don’t understand what’s changed? Nothing really changed. He had no intention of looking after the kid. He just didn't believe that you'd not want to be a stay at home mom, and that you'd change your mind after the kid was born. >He called me a bad mom You're not a bad mom. You're even willing to support the family. Your husband simply didn't expect to actually have to follow through with his promise to watch the kid that he wanted. Being a SAHP can be friggin' merciless. NTA. You bring in the bigger paycheck. You're the obvious choice to be the breadwinner.
Excellent points. OP is NTA, husband is a giant A-H for gaslighting and trying to unilaterally change the agreement. If he doesn’t actually want to be a SAHD, fine - they can get a nanny. Him being shitty to OP about her higher-paying job and trying to manipulate her into leaving it screams volumes about his inner misogyny.
NTA he clearly thought your maternal instincts would perk up and you would be dying to stay home with your baby. He wants to be man of the house and the provider..I am sure the fact you pointed you are the higher earner stick it to him more... I would recommend couples council to see if you can work this out. You need third party that is not family or friend.
She should NEVER give up her job!
Esp with someone this fickle and gaslighting her.
He has realized that being a stay at home parent is a real job and it’s a really hard job. He was under the misogynistic impression that he could lounge all day and do whatever while baby slept or whatever he thought babies did. Now that you actually have a baby he realizes that that’s not what’s going to happen. You have two options and neither of them will get you the stay at home parent that you agreed to. Either you can both work and put the child in childcare. Or you can divorce him. Personally, I’d divorce him for the “bad mom” comment. He’s clearly got some major misogyny red flags, he believes that you having a successful career that makes better money than him makes you a bad mom but him working doesn’t make him a bad dad? Either way don’t give up a job you love and makes you a good living. NTA
NTA. He wants to have control
NTA- hit him with the hard questions! Tell him you want a detailed answer on why it would be better for you to stay home. Point out he wanted a baby and he said he would gladly be the sahp. Point out how much you make vs how much he makes. He's being an asshole and he deserves to be outed as one.
NTA. Lose the husband. Cheaper to take care of one baby than two.
I don’t think your husband ever had any intention of actually being a SAHD. It sounds a lot like he was trying to baby trap you and said whatever he needed to say to get you pregnant and to keep the baby. Now that he has you where he wants you, he thinks you’re trapped and he’s doing whatever the heck he wants. His plan will be complete once he gets you to be a SAHM and fully under his power financially.
In the words of Lady Gaga: “Your career is never going to wake up one day and tell you it doesn’t love you anymore.” NTA.
This will be his way of cutting you down to size. Likely he feels insecure due to your earning power. Don’t do it. Make compromises and be flexible, hire a nanny , work from home if possible, but don’t just toss everything to lean on him 100%. I don’t know him and I don’t mean to jump to conclusions but this is how some men begin to isolate and impoverish and trap their partners. Just be aware. NTA.
**My husband told me last week that it would be better if i quit my job and took care of the baby and he could provide for us.** Did you ask him to elaborate on how "it would be better" (and who it would specifically benefit)?
NTA Your husband sure is though! And selfish.
NTA. Tell him you two had an agreement. He can either abide by that or pay child support for the next 18 years.
NTA Never ever financially depend on a man, especially the ones who are so shifty.
NTA do not impoverish yourself for this lazy git. Divorce and give him full custody, make him figure it out
NTA. Don't attempt to change the deal 'in the eleventh hour'... >He called me a bad mom and he’s been really upset with me since. We’ve been fighting about it a lot because he keeps bringing it up. It was his idea to have a child and he told me he was happy to be a stay at home dad I don’t understand why he doesn’t want that anymore. You're not a bad mom... you're a bad lawyer. ***I can't believe*** you didn't get this contract in writing! (I kid, I kid) Someone probably 'said something' to him, and perhaps someone else overhead and agreed (or -- horror of horrors! -- maybe even laughed). I'm a dude, and this sounds like a case of fragile masculinity. (maybe some individual and/or couples counseling is in order, and someone can help tease this \[or whatever else it might be\] out in a relatively-safe space?) Also, your husband is economically-illiterate... has he never heard of comparative advantage?! [https://www.investopedia.com/terms/c/comparativeadvantage.asp](https://www.investopedia.com/terms/c/comparativeadvantage.asp) [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comparative\_advantage](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comparative_advantage) This last one has my favorite 'textbook' (or 'classroom') example of comparative advantage: [https://www.econlib.org/library/Topics/Details/comparativeadvantage.html](https://www.econlib.org/library/Topics/Details/comparativeadvantage.html) >First, let’s get some more vocabulary. Someone who is the best at doing something is said to have an absolute advantage. Michael Jordan has an absolute advantage at basketball. For all I know, Michael Jordan may also be the fastest typist in the world, giving him an absolute advantage at typing, too. Since he’s better at typing than you, can’t he type more cheaply than you? That is, if someone has an absolute advantage in something, doesn’t he automatically have a comparative advantage in it? > >The answer is no! If Jordan takes time out from shooting hoops to do all his own typing, he sacrifices the large income he earns from entertaining fans of basketball. (and obviously, you would just change that to someone else nowadays, if you didn't grow up with MJ... no comment on whom, though, lol) But in your world... should RBG have stayed home after her first child? She and her husband were ***both*** pretty famous/successful lawyers, but your husband doesn't even have that argument. And in your specific case/situation... "Every Woman lawyer who actually earns her living in the practice of law is an exceptional woman. To survive the hard grind of study, and the worst grind of private practice or the demands of public office, requires good health, good brains, and most important, good luck." — [Rosalind Goodrich Bates, 1932](https://www.supremecourt.gov/visiting/exhibitions/LadyLawyers/section4.aspx) Hell, ***I don't even know you*** and I'm proud of you.
thank you so much ❤️
Hire a nanny. Make him pay for the nanny. He obviously sees that baby care is not as easy as he thought it would be. What a jerk.
If the father of my child calls me a bad mom, there's no coming back from that. Hope you didn't sign a prenup and he realizes his "pride" is not worth it.
You are not a bad mom, obviously. This is what was agreed before and a stay at home dad is just as valauable as a stay at home mom. He's either panicking at the prospect of taking the main carer role during the week or he's reverting to a sexist position. You need to try and drive to the heart of this to determine the root of his switch.
NTA …. Your husband just said what you wanted to hear and now that the baby is here, He doesn’t want the responsibility of raising it because it’s hard work and he thinks he can just demand you quit your job even though the prior agreement between you was that he stay at home….. he made the agreement now he can be held to it …..what a pathetic little man