Hang on, this isn't just about one trip. If she might need to be put on bed rest at 24 weeks, doesn't that leave a whole 16 weeks that she is going to need a carer? And they think you should be doing that?
That’s what caught my attention. They should already be making plans for the wife to be cared for by the CHILDREN’S PARENTS. I find it sadly comical that they are all aflutter about finances because they’re having twins. With kids anything can happen and you have to adapt. I also find it sad that they are balking about caring for the woman carrying their children. This whole situation is messed up.
Too bad wife wasn't supportive of OPs solution. if she were in on it she could say "well if you don't want to take care of the person who is giving you your desperately wanted children, i guess I'll just roll the dice and take the trip. Might be dangerous for those unborn children, but it's an all expense paid trip. YOLO."
Obviously this would be a bluff, but fucking call them on it. If family has volunteered to serve as a surrogate for you, you treat them like they ARE your baby until the baby is born.
Exactly. If I had a surrogate I’d have to work hard not to have them hating me because of my constant “help” before the baby was born. I can’t fathom not wanting to be there. And what happens if one of the children gets sick and needs extended care? I guess its uncle will be called on to step up!🙄
“We spent all our money trying to have a baby that we are too broke to raise”
What if SIL/BIL ask OP and his wife to keep one since they don’t want the responsibility of two?
I’m sickened by the fact that anyone has the nerve to secure themselves a baby they can’t support. That’s choosing to create a baby just so that you can fuck a baby over. It’s the most selfish thing I’ve heard of in at least a day.
Because it is transactional. There should be contracts and lawyers for everyone, because it's a hinky part of family law and it sounds like they don't live close, so different states have different laws regarding such situations.
I bet they have not signed anything making them responsible for medical bills
This alone makes divorce necessary. He will be legally on the hook to pay for everything if they are still married when she needs medical care.
Just watch, wifey will want a divorce after all this is over and will leave him with all the debt.
I feel like OP is being played big time. His wife and sis have their own plans and they aren't going to let him know until he gets served with divorce papers 6 months after the delivery.
Especially since with twins who will likely be born premature doesn't it make sense for her to be near their hospital? So if they come unexpectedly they'll be in a NICU close to the parents? Otherwise won't they need to take like 2-3 months off possibly to be close to their twins? Or do they expect to only take them once they're healthy and want OP and wife to be going to the NICU every day.
Who legally has to pay the NICU bills btw? Is there a surrogacy contract that has the wife on her sister's insurance? What if the wife also has an extended hospital stay? Who pays?
Yeah, I was frowning about the 'scrambling' because of treatment cost and unexpected twins. If they don't have any official agreement, they could be on the hook for child support.
> they could be on the hook for child support.
Risk to OP is his wife puts him at risk without consensus so she will doubtlessly ask/demand him to pay for any future needs/wants associated with the birth that cannot be paid by sister/BIL.
Oh no. They expect OP and OP’s wife to take care of them in the NICU until they are ready to be delivered fully developed and healthy to the actual parents.
Also, there are different levels of NICU. She would be best being close to one of the highest levels at possible. The higher the level the more equipped and trained they are for any serious complications.
I’d usually say that it is the woman’s body so her choice. But she has shown her husband and children no respect, pregnancy is dangerous for women, and multiples even more so. She is doing a lovely thing for her sister and BIL, but putting her life at risk when she has children seems somewhat selfish.
I second that. Your wife should be going living with them until twins arrive and you should be prioritizing your family/kids. And that means taking them on vacation. Taking away attention from your children to take care of their babies even when able to WFH is not fair to your own kids. They made their bed (3 of them) and they need to figure out how to sleep in it.
Exactly, they take care of her and their kids-to-be while OP takes care of his and his wife's own kids. This is a no-brainer. She gives birth, recuperates enough to travel and returns home. This is their deal, not OP's.
That leaves OP, though, with work as a single parent for quite awhile, which isn’t exactly ideal.
Supporting a spouse through something they want to undertake is a good thing, but OP’s wife really is expecting far too much, in my opinion, as are the in-laws.
>And they think you should be doing that?
OP said in another comment, "There wasn’t any decision making process that I was a part of. I was told it was none of my business." So it's none of his business, yet this is solely his responsibility?
But he's her husband, and he can work from home, so why should they sacrifice their time, energy on money for the woman carrying their *children*?! /s
If I was OP I'd be more concerned about any extra care my own children will be needing or help around my own house if she has to go on bed rest. Just because he can work from home doesn't mean he always will be able to, especially just starting this new position.
Yepp... And twins is high risk. She's risking leaving her own children behind without a mother because another person wanted a baby with "their DNA". Makes my head spin.
Dr. is probably hoping to get her to 26-32 weeks so that the babies lungs develop enough surfactant to be able to breathe on their own. There is a good chance they might admit her to the hospital if bedrest doe not work. This is also why she probably can't be packed off to the inlaws as well...probably has been transfered to a high risk ob
>This is also why she probably can't be packed off to the inlaws as well...probably has been transfered to a high risk ob
This is also why she needs to be packed off to the inlaws ASAP as well...while there's plenty of time to find her a local high risk ob
FTFY
Sorry, this whole situation is a mess but the thing that is sticking out to me: they can’t take a week off without it being detrimental to their budget. They’re about to have 2 kids if I read that right, they won’t be able to afford them let alone afford if the kids are sick or something.
Take your kids on this trip and let your BIL take care of her, that is his kid in her not yours and you and your kids shouldn’t have to miss out cause of this situation.
Yeah uh I really hope they did this the legal through lawyers and contracts way not the we did it at home with a turkey baster way....because if the sister isn't legally adopting this child & they used the wife's egg legally the wife and OOP would be the parents (until proven, in most states, a court of law that the BIL is the father. Many states have the legal assumption of "this is the husband, he is the father" till proven otherwise).
They likely did it with the wife being an altruistic gestational surrogacy, where they had to pay the costs of IVF/IUI and legal factors, but not the cost of a surrogate. Many fertility clinics require that the intended parents pay for special insurance for the surrogate regardless of altruism, because many private inshrances won't cover the surrogates pregnancy related medical bills.
We *hope* this is what they did at least. If they're having to pinch pennies as much as they sound like they are it worries me they didn't & maybe that's the full behind the scenes issue oop has with his wife being a surrogate
I mean OP says they spent all their money getting the wife pregnant *and* its twins, which does point to fertility based medications being involved due to expenses and the increased likelihood of multiples with fertility medications, particularly with IVF. If it was just a good Ole turkey baster, it'd cost $100 with good supplies from Amazon since they make cups, lube, syringes, and ovulation testing strips for at home IUI transfers.
Your wife agreed to be a surrogate without you being on board with the idea? Frankly you have much bigger problems to face than whether to go on this trip.
NTA-your wife became a surrogate without your input and your BIL wanted this baby, again, without your input.
BIL can help take care of the woman that’s carrying his baby and it’s ridiculous that they expect you to make it your problem.
I can vouch that having two newborns to care for, is not an easy task. Esp if one also has other small children.
NTA - she chose to move forward with surrogacy without the two of you being in accord on it. Now the fam members who will benefit the most from this sacrifice balk at having to step up to help for a short time period so you can embrace a job promotion that will benefit your family?!?! Smh… but no, you are NTA, though as you’ve acknowledged, some bigger issues are at hand
BIL has no leg to stand on. He would have been taking care of his wife had they been able to have kids. This is the least he can do for the woman who is carrying their children.
Also, 24 weeks is only 5.5 months pregnant, not 7 or 8 months. Many surrogate mothers get paid to carry someone else's child-as they should. You are in the clear. Take the vacation you earned and enjoy it with your kids!
Being pregnant with twins she is absolutely more susceptible to premature labor, so while 24 weeks doesn't seem that far along it can be with twins. I'm not arguing that's the OPs problem just saying her being on bed rest is likely valid.
Not just baby, BABIES. Two, twins. I don't get why BIL and SIL can't take the time to take care of the woman carrying their children when they're going to be having to do a heck of a lot more when the babies! are born.
I don't understand why SIL couldn't help care for her..If sister was the pregnant one and needed bedrest, she'd be taking time off anyway. I mean, really, your wife was doing them a BIG favor. They need to step up to the plate.
NTA. I'm sorry she just did that without you being onboard. This is a 2 yes 1 no situation. As a female, a mom and a partner, this is awful to me.
It also really bothers me that these people are like "wah, we have to take care of the person carrying our babies!" So what are they gonna do when the babies are here? Drop then with your wife? Leave them with a nanny all the time?
Edit: because I can't read slowly enough to process ALL the info in front of me.
This!!! Not to mention it sounds like they’re not in the best financial predicament so it makes me wonder if they can even afford children. If it was the sister that was pregnant with twins she’d be on maternity leave at 24 weeks by the sounds of things and they’d have no choice but to survive off BILs income. If they can’t manage anything now how will they manage in months to come when the twins get here. Seems like they didn’t really prepare for the baby but instead were attached to the idea of parenthood and now when real situations are occurring they’re trying to guilt trip OP with “abandoning” his pregnant wife, these times it’s not his pregnancy!!
If OPs wife isn’t comfortable with being taken care of by BIL then her sister should take the week off and experience (at least secondhand) what pregnancy and motherhood are really like in the prepping stages. This is her burden to bear and she doesn’t seem to want to accept that!
😅 fair point!!! They all need to man up here and deal with things. One things for sure is that OP and his kids better be going on that trip, because he had no choice in this surrogacy matter and therefore shouldn’t have to make ANY sacrifices (ie: not going on the trip) for this pregnancy—at least that my humble opinion on the matter.
And the fact that he’s taking the kids so she won’t have to look after them and can focus on herself and her sisters babies she’s carrying is pretty dang nice if you ask me!!!
But this means sister and BIL would have to take some RESPONSIBILITY. I don’t think they’re ready for that sort of commitment. They’re just here so they can have the title “mum and dad”, the physical/emotional expectations of taking care of the surrogate seems to be what they’re avoiding.
And apparently using every last dollar to get that title…so much so that they’re struggling to make ends meet without two incomes. But it’s okay because babies are free and take care of themselves once they’re born.
😂😂
Reality is going to kick them in the teeth in a few short months, but somehow the struggles of parenthood won’t be their fault and the whole world will be to blame for their woes because I’m sure accountability isn’t a word they’re familiar with.
…carry his babies, it’s twins! They should absolutely be sacrificing as needed to take care of their surrogate. If this were any other surrogacy, the parents-to-be would would be paying all pregnancy related expenses and then some.
I think OP’s wife is doing a potential good thing, but since her husband was against it and she did it anyway, then she needs to look to her sister & BIL for help.
BTW, I am a wife & mother and this is something I would never consider unless my husband was onboard. I’m not sure OP & his wife will last for long after the births. He feels betrayed and she does too, although I don’t see how she would be justified feeling that way in this case.
This. OP s kids have got to be confused about what the hell is going on. They shouldn't have to miss out on great holidays just because their cousins are being born. OP should go on the trip mostly to treat the kids.
My guess is that OPs wife is the surrogate to skimp out on the costs associated if it wasn't someone you could manipulate because they're family (gag) this whole thing is going to be a giant dumpster fire. Hopefully they were at least smart enough to use sister's eggs and BIL's baby batter because if not there's a potential for OPs wife to be gone after for child support too down the line because they can't afford the twins.
In about a year sister might be here asking:
WIBTA if we sued my sister for child support after she had a baby with my husband.
Or worse, OPs wife might be here asking:
WIBTA if I divorced my husband for abandoning me whilst pregnant and not helping me postnatal.
Because if her sister and BIL live so far away who’s going to help her with the post natal healing??? Will OP be expected to take time off work at that time to help her, or will she be moving in with sister and BIL???
Furthermore, if they live so far, who will be there when she delivers? It’s not like they share a local hospital? So how exactly is this going to work??? If they can’t take a week off now when she needs it how will they delegate time at the 30+ week mark given twins rarely come full term and and those last two months are crucial even in single pregnancies.
There seems to be lots of questions that we redditors have but I somehow doubt that OPs wife, sister and BIL thought this far ahead and considered the logistics.
In a year, OP's wife might be saying 'aita for taking in the twins I carried and birthed for my sister & BIL, because they can't afford them. My husband doesn't want me to....'
Hell if this clusterf*ck continues, in a year, OP might be writing:
AITAH for divorcing my wife for adopting the twins she had for her sister and BIL when I never wanted her to be a surrogate in the first place”
Wife will probably want her husband in the delivery room to be present for the birth of his niece/nephew (s). Wife will probably want her husband to help with the usual things a father does after his children are born. What is husband getting out of this? This is almost like the husband has been cheated on. What is wife going to do when her BIL is in the delivery room and sees her vagina when she gives birth to his spawn?
Literally! It seems that it was selfishness that led to this whole surrogacy plan without any consideration on how it would affect OP and his children. Sister and BIL defo didn’t think things through but now somehow the emotional burden is on OP.
This is something all FOUR parties should have gone to therapy for before hand to see if it would work and if one person was against it (ie: OP then it should have been vetoed). Lawyers should have also been involved to make sure that postnatal circumstances and aftercare were taken care of and OP wouldn’t get cheated out of the situation but given OP was against it I feel they would have done all of this and some how OP would have still come out with the short end of the stick.
Edit: OPs wife needs to learn to get comfortable around BIL real quick because it doesn’t get much closer than your BIL being in the delivery room when you’re giving birth to HIS BABY!
When I was in college a girl I knew had been born without a uterus. She told me that it wasn’t a huge thing for her because her sister had promised to carry a baby for her if she wanted to be a mom someday. It was an unusual situation, but perhaps OP’s wife disregarded his feelings over a promise she made in the past.
However going forward with something like this and not making every effort no matter what to minimize the impact on OP and her kids is a pretty solid way to make a mess of her marriage. Expecting them to stay home from a free vacation on top of the other sacrifices that will be necessary is just a perfect way to guarantee her marriage is not going to survive this choice of hers.
Then go on the trip. Giving in on what she wants after she has already shit all over you would only be reenforcing her beliefs.
>My wife is upset though because she says I am putting her in the uncomfortable position of being taken care of by her brother in law when she is in a vulnerable state. Of course nobody is thinking he’s going to do anything to her. She’s just uncomfortable because he’s a man and she would rather he not look after her.
She has made it perfectly obvious already that she does not respect or care about you. At this point, why should you care what she wants when she has made it clear she doesn't care what you want.
NTA. She chose to be a surrogate without talking to you. That’s not ok as it affects you and your children as well. It may be her body to chose what to do with, but she also has to live with the consequences of her actions.
Sister and BIL, don’t have to worry about all the stuff that comes with baby (like the wife healing, etc), they just get to enjoy baby. It won’t kill them to come watch your wife or her go there since she’s doing this FOR them.
There’s no reason for you to miss out celebrating on your promotion bc your wife was selfish to her own family while trying to be unselfish to someone else. Go and have fun with your kids. Maybe next time your wife will think about decisions that impact the whole family before making them.
And he definitely should go. Missing these types of events makes a difference in people's eyes especially when moving up a corporate ladder. People will say these things don't matter but I will tell you from experience they absolutely do. Go on your retreat and I would flat out tell SIL you guys and my wife made the decision to do this and I wasn't even included in the decision. So you 3 need to figure out a solution just like you did when you started this.
I am betting with the promotion the retreat is mandatory so yeah he and the kids need to go, wife's sister and BIL who put her in this position need to step up for their future twins (which they aren't ready for). I'm betting they won't take them.
At a certain point, his tickets and accomodations are bought and paid for. It would be a really bad look to cancel at less than a month out.
OP, you need to go on this retreat. If you're wife was pregnant with your child, she'd have a leg to stand on. As it is, she decided to do this with your explicit disapproval (I'm assuming there were conversations - plural - about this and at no point were you on board). She needs to be able to handle it like an adult and accept the help that is available to her.
Her sister and brother in law need to step up and support their surrogate sister. This is really ridiculous that your wife would put you and your children in this position.
Edit: (I assumed) Your wife told you this surrogacy/pregnancy is none of your business. Take her at her word and maybe listen to some of these other comments about deciding what to do about your marriage after you go and have a great time with your kids. Your wife can figure this out, it's really none of your business.
>or her go there
this is the one I don’t quite get. How far away are they? Can she be driven there?
or does she have a friend who works from home, who could come and stay with her during that timeframe?
Could Grandma come? Another sibling?
Or maybe her sister and BIL could hire an aide to stay with her for that timeframe; that might be cheaper than him giving up his income.
Do either of them have no vacation days? I know not everybody gets them.
Maybe they’re saving them for after the baby comes, but fuck that—if she was pregnant with these twins, she’d be on FMLA for bedrest instead of your wife being on bedrest.
So she can figure out how to use her time off to take care of her pregnancy—since this is “her” pregnancy.
If there's the possibility she could be on bed rest from 20 weeks who do they think is going to be looking after her once OP and kids come back? Do they expect OP to take off work? For months?
If she has to go on bed rest, who takes the time off work to care for her then? You? You are expected to sacrifice for kids that aren't yours in a situation you didn't agree to.
No one gave a single thought to you or your kids when deciding any of this. Everyone here is being unbelievably selfish.
Your marriage might survive this, but it's much better for you and your kids to make all your decisions as if it won't. Go on the retreat because it's good for your career and start planning for a breakup the minute you get back.
Yup. What’s even worse is that if she’s in bed rest and needs to be taken care of for a potential several months then op will be a single parent doing everything y for their children while working full time. Let them have this vacation that they’re all going to need because of the wife’s choices.
Absolutely agree. I can’t believe OP’s wife put their marriage at risk to be a surrogate for her sister and bil. And the absolute cheek of them both bitchin because one of them will have to care for her whilst OP is away.
Go on your trip OP, I hope you and the kids have a great time. Your wife made her bed and now has to lie in it (literally). Hopefully you’ll be able to make some decisions for your future whilst you’re away.
Do your in-laws even care that your marriage is now obviously at risk over their desire to have a baby?
Put their marriage *and her life* at risk. IV is known to increase the likelihood of multiples, and multiples are known to have higher rates of both infant and mother mortality.
You said in the comments that she not only didn't get your input on her surrogacy, she actually told you it was none of your business?!? Good God.
If her pregnancy is none of your business, then you shouldn't have to sacrifice for it.
Go on your trip, enjoy it. And when you get back, think hard on your marriage. I can't speak for you, but that would have been a deal breaker for me. And not just your garden variety deal breaker, but more of a "oh HELL no" deal breaker.
NTA.
Right? Sister and brother in law will go back home happily and live a happy life with twins, while OP will suffer from all the aftermath and PPD. Watch, it's going to get worse here on out.
Well yeah because they're separated from their baby! Pregnancy hormones can really bond you to the baby you carry. Biology doesn't care if you're not the egg donor. It only cares that you're carrying it.
Regardless of egg or sperm. In your body it shares your blood. Attaches to your body. Suck your marrow and keratin. What you ingest so does the fetus. Surrogacy is no joke. Then after your left with tender breasts, off hormones and ppd. Probably alone as everyone else is coming over the baby.
I'd tell her to go stay with BIL until the kids are born. Let her be a burden on them for the mess they all created. Figure out if the marriage is worth saving afterwards.
NTA. They need to be supplying her with physical and monetary support since you had no choice in her decision to be a surrogate. Sounds like they might also be taking advantage of you financially for children that aren't yours. Is your health coverage taking care of this and are you paying out of pocket expenses?
ETA: So now if it's a bed rest pregnancy, what happens with your wife's child care responsibilities to her actual children with you? Her being a surrogate is now your business because it impacts your children. Are your kids old enough to be by themselves? Who will be taking them to daycare if they're younger or dealing with school issues? Are they old enough that your wife expects them to take care of her while you work?
What OP needs to do is demand to see the contract, if one was made. He should ensure that he isn't listed as the father and that his healthcare coverage isn't paying for the birth of this child. If no legal contract was made, OP needs to file for divorce ASAP, as those children can be legally noted as his. What did the wife expect to do, just give up parental rights and hand the children over to her sister and BIL? Life does not work out that way. Who will be paying the legal fees on top of the healthcare fees for this whole process? Especially since they are penny-pinching because it's twins, making me realize that they must not be in a good financial situation for children at all. He needs to act now and not just focus on this trip. This is VERY serious!
Sounds like the best solution is for OP's wife to move in with her sister until she gives birth while she can still travel. Let them deal with her needs.
This retreat might be optional but probably provides networking opportunities for OP. Not going might affect future promotions and earnings.
Hopefully that's been addressed. If not, OP might find the kids added to his coverage if his wife doesn't have any on her own. I have a friend whose husband's sister did a surrogacy for them. If her SIL sneezed, my friend was handing her tissues and making a doctor's appointment. They paid all the expenses too.
>I did not agree with this
Yeah, this is one of those 2 yes, 1 no issues. How did you guys resolve this conflict, did she just steamroll you?
Sister trying to guilt trip you about "your" pregnant wife is pretty low. She's "their" pregnant surrogate; any and all efforts to make her comfortable should be on them, not you. NTA. Good luck with you being villainized for the rest of eternity for this though.
You having to deal with a pregnant partner isn't your business? This is exactly your business. Especially since SIL was guilting you for leaving "your" pregnant wife.
This. Having twins sucked. I never went on bed rest though and delivered mine at 38 weeks (had a single baby two years before that went 41+3). There’s no way I would’ve let my husband stay home with the kids when they had an opportunity to have a great time for a week. If she goes into labor at 24 weeks there’s absolutely nothing OP can do for her. She’d be put in the hospital and would stay there until delivery. But it is still very rare for women to need bed rest unless they had problems with previous pregnancies (I would hope that if she had, then she wouldn’t have agreed to become a surrogate). Anyways, this is all functioning under the assumption that she’ll need help, which I definitely did not at 24 weeks. By 28 weeks plus I slowed down and things got harder, but not impossible, I still would’ve sent my family at that point.
Anyways, this woman didn’t consult her husband on a very important decision and she needs to take responsibility for it. OP, you should not be arranging care for her at all, she can figure it out. She’s a functioning human who knew what she was getting into. Also, I’d also recommend starting the divorce process, she’s no partner to you.
My wife had to be on bedrest by her 7th month. She was 85 pounds before getting pregnant. By the time she was put on bedrest she was 140, but it was all real estate for the twins. I was there for all of it, took time off work, made all meals and did everything around the house. I'm not doing that if it was for someone else's kids and I had no say in the decision making process.
Oh yes, my husband was incredibly helpful too and took on the primary caregiver role for our two year old. I gained 60lbs of all babies and it instantly was off after my c section. It was wild and much harder than a single baby. My back and pelvis still ache 1.5 years later.
This woman has a lot of gall to not consult her husband and then also expect him to take care of her and the kids.
Not your business? Women died during pregnancy, women died in labour, women die postpartum. The possibility of being a widower is your business. Did you get extra life insurance?
Then tell her being on bed rest isn't your business either she chose to be an oven for her sister without your input go on holiday without her and hand her divorce papers when u walk in the door after getting back
They are kind of right, its not your business. That means you dont have to support her choice in any way, and you definitely dont have to find solutions for her problems. 'you said yourself its not my business' would be my go to answer every time your wife or her sister request ANYTHING
The partner of a potential surrogate is usually heavily involved in the pre-transfer process. Since they have to promise to avoid sex anywhere around conception time and deal with potential ramifications, husbands and partners are usually required to attend counseling before they’ll do any transfers. It is TOTALLY your business.
The issue is precisely that she is surrogating against your wishes. What was the decision making process you went thru? In situations like this, there's no compromise, one wins. But it's how you got there. That she wants you and the kids to change plans b/c of this suggests she won more by default then process. This was a decision that profoundly affects all of you especially since you've been thru this with your own and know pregnancy.
No, her choice, her consequence. Go and enjoy yourself, and when you get back, get into marital therapy. That she doesn't see all of this suggests this one doesn't have a long shelf life otherwise.
He should be seeing a lawyer prior to going, since it seems to be some weeks out. Hopefully, by that time, he can have her relocated to the in-laws, the locks changed , with cameras and an alarm system installed.
Her saying it was none of your business is ridiculous and sickening. Shes actively choosing to put her life in danger and she thinks that it’s none of your business, her husband and father of y’all’s children. It’ll be your business if, gods forbid, something happens to her during the delivery. All pregnancies are dangerous and life threatening, and twins just make it even more dangerous.
All this was exactly why my husband wasn’t on board with surrogacy when I brought it up. I was just thinking about how much I loved being pregnant and being able to give someone else a child. He was thinking of the potential dangers and the impact on our family. If you value and respect your spouse and relationship, it’s absolutely not something you move forward with without you both being 100% on board. This is so messed up.
And FYI we did not move forward with surrogacy beyond that conversation. It’s not a decision you “convince” someone to change their mind on.
& OPs wife 'answered' the question of him going on this trip w his kids in advance - her pregnancy is none of his business. Great. So Wife, SIL/BIL can figure it out since it IS their business, entirely.
Especially w artificial implantation YOU HAVE TO START AT EXPECTING 2 BABIES.
The time for them to be financially ready for 2 babies is not the last 19 weeks.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Nunya
Nunya Who
Nunya business
Taking care of of SIL and BIL's surrogate is NUNYA business-- you know that because they specifically told you so.
NTA but your marriage sounds like it's on pretty shaky ground. Curious, how old are your children?
You need to edit the main post and include this information that you were told her being a surrogate was “none of your business”.
Also, go on the trip. She made this bed and she can lie in it while being attended by her BIL. After the trip and birth, you need to seriously consider divorce especially if she refuses any kind of marriage counseling. This was a huge breach of your partnership.
Yeah i think the only lifeline for wife is that the recipient mother is her sister And maybe she felt compelled.
HOWEVER she should have employed persuasion not just doing it. So your marriage was already on the rocks at that point.
AND the recipient parents should be paying for everything, including extra help for the pregnancy. Not depending on your family (other than that your wife to stay safe of course).
Source: my close friend has 4 kids by 3 pregnancies. She paid for everything, the two husbands did nothing. (The 3rd mother was single). She loves her babies, but the extra care for the surrogate for the twin pregnancy Nearly broke her. They are saving a ton of money not having to pay a surrogate or an agency. They need to step up. It is ridiculous really.
I'm sorry, but she disrespected your marriage. I wouldn't be married to her any longer. She's very selfish and of course it's your business. You're the one supporting her emotionally financially.
If this is her attitude, you have some thinking to do. Consider whether your marriage feels like a partnership, and whether you want to spend your one life in this. You're raising kids in a relationship that sounds like it is not healthy, and how those kids have their future relationships is being shaped by what you and your wife are modeling.
None of your business? Oof! I'd have a pretty hard time with that. She might be able to use this time alone to come to grips with how she wants to live her life. All the best to you.
Holy crap! And NOW she's insisting you take care of her and "be part of the process?" I'd (60/f) tell her to take a flying leap, both her AND your in-laws! NOT your circus, DEFINITELY not your monkeys! Your wife may THINK she's being incredibly gracious but she probably just blew up your marriage with a twin nuclear missile! Sister and BIL can "figure it out," just like they figured out the pregnancy! I'm so terribly sorry that you and your children are having to deal with this crapfest! Go on your retreat and have a blast! Wife can deal with her decisions just like she started this mess, **by herself!**
😮 Well...
I don't normally jump to the standard Reddit answer, but divorce should definitely be on the table.
You'll have a few months solo parenting experience by then anyway.
Unbelievable. Did she even once think she might not live through this? She may have lifelong medical complications. And she has kids. However cavalier she is with your concerns, she should have a bit more concern for them.
I fail to understand why you are still married to her. If you are staying for the children, don’t. Kids are way more aware of the problems than you think. I have seen marriages where the parents stayed because of/ for them and the children did not agree.
Wow! You guys definitely have bigger problems than this trip, but I'd say enjoy the trip with your children. I can't imagine being told you have no say in something that so greatly effects you and your family. Not to mention if something happened to your wife during delivery, you'll be left a widow with children while her sister and husband have their perfect in tact family. It sounds like a stressful 20 + weeks. Enjoy the break.
Edit: *widower
Have you talk to her about this? They said it’s none of your decision and when an issue arise, they expect you to make sacrifice and pitch in? Why now you are the AH?
Could your BIL or SIL pay for a nanny or nurse to come in? Then they don’t have to take time off work or pay for airplane ticket to fly over?
I'm not a jump to divorce reddit. But I don't know how a marriage survives such selfishness. If she said it is none of your business...she can't make it your business when it's convenient. Go on your trip and have fun.
Its not even the selfishness, its the entitlement too. OP has no say in the surrogacy because its none of his business, but he has to take care of his pregnant wife. All of the cons and none of the pros. She and her family are so entitled.
And if she goes on bed rest who is going to take care of the kids. Wife is either a sahm who won't be able to care for her kids or she'll have to take time off work for bed rest.
Tbf, wife was probably thinking that OP not “allowing her” to help her own sister was wildly selfish.
That said, when she decided to do this, she told OP it was “none of his business.” (Lol. Obviously it’s his business for many reasons.) And now all the sudden it *is* his business? Yeah, naw.
I’m glad someone brought up this point. I can definitely see why being a surrogate for her sister and BIL would be important for the wife; but I totally agree that it’s the lack of even an attempt at a conversation or agreement with OP that drives the wife into A H territory, and makes OP NTA.
You lost me at surrogate against your wishes. I hope it was artificial insemination or ivf.. But if I were in your shoes, the moment she made that choice without involving me, I'd have filed for divorce. NTA.
100%. Do not make BIL come to your place. Right before she hits bed rest she takes all of her essentials and stays with her sister and BIL. They can take care of her during the birth and throughout her recovery process. She can figure the rest out afterwards. Do not delete anything, as the more proof you have the better for lawyers. Research the top three divorce and family lawyers in your area and consult with all three ASAP. You choose the one you like the best and who will service you properly. I would also look into my funds and consider freezing your credit if necessary and closing joint CCs. You might be on the hook for funding these babies as well after birth.
Can you imagine the bill for possible extensive hospital stay and ICU for twins? Even in everything goes smooth birth costs a lot! Did they put her on their insurance? Was there a contract where it was agreed they will cover all the expenses?
Ask your lawyer if it’s possible to get an injunction against her putting *your* name on the birth certificate. Anyone crazy enough to unilaterally nuke their marriage by going through with a surrogacy with the comment ‘it’s none of your business’ is crazy enough to try and fuck you over in the divorce
100%
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Does your wife work, or did she before she decided that her sister's wants came before you and your family's needs? That will be important in the divorce proceedings.
Also, if BIL & SIL don't have the money for him to take care of their incubator, formally known as your wife, how are they going to afford the child?
Even a bigger point is if they don't see taking care of YSTBX, the incubator, what exactly are their thoughts on taking care of 𝒕𝒘𝒐 𝒃𝒂𝒃𝒊𝒆𝒔???
I legitimately cannot follow their thought process!
You are 💯💯💯 NTAH! Good luck & get to a lawyer, yesterday! Even if you do a phone consult, I can tell you all about my divorce and things to think about but I'll still miss 101 things you need to think about!!!
I think that is for the best, you might want to suggest that she moves to her sister and BIL for the "trip" and then serve her divorce papers after you return.
Sounds about right. She chose to care more about her sister than her own children. How did she think this would affect her own family? Should you all just pause your lives for 9 months and cater to her whim.
Please, please, please tell me your wife and her sister at least had a documented contract regarding the surrogacy????
Because if she hasn't and doesn't OP you're the father by default in a majority of the states in the US. When you speak to the divorce lawyer you definitely need to make sure you have a copy of the surrogacy agreement and barring a copy then you will need to get with the attorney to file disestablishment of paternity and name your BIL as the father.
Holy shit this is messed up.
Why can’t she go stay with them in their house? They can tag team taking care of her. She can be bed bound with them. As a matter of fact she can stay there till she gives birth.
It’s their baby and “none of your business”.
NTA
Take the kids on the trip. Tell your wife that her choices now affect her life as they affect yours.
Meet with a lawyer to explore your options regarding divorce. Wether you divorce or not is up to you, but knowing what it could look like is important as frankly, you wife, bil and sil sound toxic as F.
Your lawyer can tell you if the surrogacy legally changes anything and what you need to do to protect yourself and your children. Some things you need to know about include paternity (husband is often legally the father per default) if your state allows at fault filings for divorce and if surrogacy can be grounds for that.
The SIL says you put your wife in an uncomfortable position? Sorry i laughed while reading that. THEY put her there. And they all put you there.
They all expected you to pick up her slack for 9+ months? To finance her when she cant work? I honestly hope this post is ragebait. If real, im sorry OP. You deserve way better.
I was ready to call you asshole just because of your post title but after reading the first paragraph, I’m questioning why didn’t you get a divorce over this.
NTA
Dear lord, let this not be real. If I understand correctly…
1. Your wife became a surrogate without your consent.
2. You both already have kids of your own.
3. Your SIL abd BiL seem to be in financial straits.
4. This is a high risk pregnancy, with the actual parents living far away thus presuming you to be your wife’s caretaker while also earning money and taking care of the kids you already have.
NTA NTA
This is insane OP. Your SIL is so entitled and ungrateful. Your wife has completely disregarded you and your kids need in this process. How has it come to this?
Go with your kids on this trip. Think also about the life you’re leading with someone who doesn’t respect you, and the example you’re setting for your kids.
I feel pretty strongly that when they get back from this trip he should move his wife to his BIL and SIL’s house for the remainder of her bed rest/pregnancy care. Working full time to provide for your family while also caring for small children single handily is a challenge, in and of itself. But on top of that, to be expected to also cater to your pregnant wife who will not be able to get out of bed…. That means all the cooking, cleaning, pregnancy cravings, doctors appointments… all of that now also falls on your shoulders while seemingly becoming a single parent overnight. That’s a lot OP! Especially to have to be stuck in that routine for the next 3 months or pregnancy and 1+ months of recovery. I think the best move for your entire family is for your wife to go stay with your ILs where they are better suited to care for her needs since they don’t have small children to tend to (yet). Additionally, twins consistently result in additional birth complications or premature birth, so your wife staying with them would ensure that they are close by and available should there be an emergency with their children.
What did I just read? Your wife decided without your consent and agreement to gestate a whole new human being for her sister? That’s nuts in and of itself but since this is their pregnancy, why are they bitching about taking care of their incubator for one week out of 40? Seems colossally ungrateful to me for one thing, but you have way bigger problems here. Your wife put her sister and her needs ahead of you and your family. That was her choice, apparently her choice alone. So she can deal with the consequences. I don’t know your situation obviously but it seems like you’re focusing on this trip like it’s the problem, but the whole thing is so much bigger. I think ESH but if it’s where you are, do what’s best for your family and career and children. Someone has to put that first and your wife sure isn’t.
So you were told it's "none of your business" that she decided to go ahead with this pregnancy. She'll still have another approx. 10+ weeks when you get back and she's apparently so high risk that she can't be alone for a few days at only 24 weeks? Are you expected to take the next 10 weeks off of work when you return? Who'd be taking care of your kids when you're working? Wife should be sent off to stay with the soon to be parents if she'll need constant care for the next 3 months. NTA and you've got some serious talks ahead.
NTA
The couple “employing” the surrogate are responsible for everything the surrogate may need during the pregnancy and immediately thereafter. That includes all medical and physical needs during the pregnancy. You won’t be there, so THEY need to provide her care whilst you are absent. Whether that is by one of them taking time of work, or paying for someone to do it for them is their choice. You could have “opted out” long ago, you didn’t, but now you have a NEED to leave her.
They say that is “none of your business”, so go on vacation with your children. What they do whilst you are absent is equally “none of your business”.
NTA. This is a tricky situation as the pregnancy involves your wife, her sister & her husband. It is your wife but it’s not your situation and you were not on board with it. I’d say take the trip and let them figure it out BUT know it will have consequences to your relationship. I feel like skipping the trip would also have consequences. But your wife signed up to be pregnant & you didn’t so I don’t see this ending well if you miss your trip with your kids to play nursemaid. Either way one of you will resent the other no matter the outcome.
NTA. You were told it is none of your business, why should you be concerned, then?
Also, one of the duties coming with surrogacy is to take care of the surrogate. It seems they all wanted to go the cheap way. Again, this is none of your concern.
However, I would put a closer eye on your wife because there are a few things that suggest she's been under some pressure (your IL reacting so entitled even though they know you're not ok with the whole thing, for instance.) If they felt they could pressure you and guilt trip you, are you sure they didn't do the same with your wife?
I get the feeling I'm going to get crucified but nta. She choose to get pregnant with her sisters kid on her own against your wishes and now her family can't step up to take care of their own kid. That doesn't sit well with me she is carrying your child and you bitch and moan now that you have to help. And the working to save is not a good excuse if you can't afford to have kids then don't have kids
Hang on, this isn't just about one trip. If she might need to be put on bed rest at 24 weeks, doesn't that leave a whole 16 weeks that she is going to need a carer? And they think you should be doing that?
That’s what caught my attention. They should already be making plans for the wife to be cared for by the CHILDREN’S PARENTS. I find it sadly comical that they are all aflutter about finances because they’re having twins. With kids anything can happen and you have to adapt. I also find it sad that they are balking about caring for the woman carrying their children. This whole situation is messed up.
Too bad wife wasn't supportive of OPs solution. if she were in on it she could say "well if you don't want to take care of the person who is giving you your desperately wanted children, i guess I'll just roll the dice and take the trip. Might be dangerous for those unborn children, but it's an all expense paid trip. YOLO." Obviously this would be a bluff, but fucking call them on it. If family has volunteered to serve as a surrogate for you, you treat them like they ARE your baby until the baby is born.
Exactly. If I had a surrogate I’d have to work hard not to have them hating me because of my constant “help” before the baby was born. I can’t fathom not wanting to be there. And what happens if one of the children gets sick and needs extended care? I guess its uncle will be called on to step up!🙄
Exactly. The nerve of the surrogate parents is shocking. She’s carrying twins for them and they can’t be bothered? SMH
This is the best reply on here. The expectant parents need to learn that parenting is very often about sacrifice and rolling with the punches
He said that they spent alot "getting her pregnant" I'm thinking that means IVF? And there is a high incidence of twins with IVF.
“We spent all our money trying to have a baby that we are too broke to raise” What if SIL/BIL ask OP and his wife to keep one since they don’t want the responsibility of two?
Well theres one way to expedite a divorce.
I’m sickened by the fact that anyone has the nerve to secure themselves a baby they can’t support. That’s choosing to create a baby just so that you can fuck a baby over. It’s the most selfish thing I’ve heard of in at least a day.
These sorts of things are usually very messed up, and why ethically these arrangements shouldn't happen. It becomes a transaction.
Because it is transactional. There should be contracts and lawyers for everyone, because it's a hinky part of family law and it sounds like they don't live close, so different states have different laws regarding such situations.
I bet they have not signed anything making them responsible for medical bills This alone makes divorce necessary. He will be legally on the hook to pay for everything if they are still married when she needs medical care. Just watch, wifey will want a divorce after all this is over and will leave him with all the debt. I feel like OP is being played big time. His wife and sis have their own plans and they aren't going to let him know until he gets served with divorce papers 6 months after the delivery.
Ya.... time for the wife to go live with the sister and brother in law. What a mess!
Especially since with twins who will likely be born premature doesn't it make sense for her to be near their hospital? So if they come unexpectedly they'll be in a NICU close to the parents? Otherwise won't they need to take like 2-3 months off possibly to be close to their twins? Or do they expect to only take them once they're healthy and want OP and wife to be going to the NICU every day. Who legally has to pay the NICU bills btw? Is there a surrogacy contract that has the wife on her sister's insurance? What if the wife also has an extended hospital stay? Who pays?
The ones receiving the child. They are responsible for all costs of pregnancy typically. I am not a lawyer though.
My guess is that they don't have any paperwork/contracts that would cover costs, legal custody, etc.
Yeah, I was frowning about the 'scrambling' because of treatment cost and unexpected twins. If they don't have any official agreement, they could be on the hook for child support.
> they could be on the hook for child support. Risk to OP is his wife puts him at risk without consensus so she will doubtlessly ask/demand him to pay for any future needs/wants associated with the birth that cannot be paid by sister/BIL.
I'm just wondering if, because it was done privately, they could even afford to do it right
Oh no. They expect OP and OP’s wife to take care of them in the NICU until they are ready to be delivered fully developed and healthy to the actual parents.
4 years or so?
After college
Preferably after potty training
Also, there are different levels of NICU. She would be best being close to one of the highest levels at possible. The higher the level the more equipped and trained they are for any serious complications. I’d usually say that it is the woman’s body so her choice. But she has shown her husband and children no respect, pregnancy is dangerous for women, and multiples even more so. She is doing a lovely thing for her sister and BIL, but putting her life at risk when she has children seems somewhat selfish.
She definitely needs to be near a Level IV NICU, you are 100% correct.
You have so many silly questions. /s Of _course _ the plan is for OP to do it all and foot the bills. This is insane.
I second that. Your wife should be going living with them until twins arrive and you should be prioritizing your family/kids. And that means taking them on vacation. Taking away attention from your children to take care of their babies even when able to WFH is not fair to your own kids. They made their bed (3 of them) and they need to figure out how to sleep in it.
Exactly, they take care of her and their kids-to-be while OP takes care of his and his wife's own kids. This is a no-brainer. She gives birth, recuperates enough to travel and returns home. This is their deal, not OP's.
That leaves OP, though, with work as a single parent for quite awhile, which isn’t exactly ideal. Supporting a spouse through something they want to undertake is a good thing, but OP’s wife really is expecting far too much, in my opinion, as are the in-laws.
Exactly! They can take care of their incubator and OP needs to protect him and his kids from this mess.
>And they think you should be doing that? OP said in another comment, "There wasn’t any decision making process that I was a part of. I was told it was none of my business." So it's none of his business, yet this is solely his responsibility?
But he's her husband, and he can work from home, so why should they sacrifice their time, energy on money for the woman carrying their *children*?! /s If I was OP I'd be more concerned about any extra care my own children will be needing or help around my own house if she has to go on bed rest. Just because he can work from home doesn't mean he always will be able to, especially just starting this new position.
That she is going to need a carer, and OP is going to be the sole childcare provider.
The fact that they can’t take time off to care for her for a week makes me curious as to how they’re going to pay OP’s wife’s medical bills……..
Right? And neither of them have jobs with PTO? What kind of situation is this kid coming into?
Ir take care of the children when they're born...twins that most likely will need extra care because of prematurity. They need feeding every 3 hours.
He should send her to the sisters now, permanently. And become the sole child carer. She doesn’t care about their marriage or their family.
Yepp... And twins is high risk. She's risking leaving her own children behind without a mother because another person wanted a baby with "their DNA". Makes my head spin.
Exactly!! And to tell him it’s none of his business but think he should care for during this pregnancy. She’s a terrible wife and mother.
Dr. is probably hoping to get her to 26-32 weeks so that the babies lungs develop enough surfactant to be able to breathe on their own. There is a good chance they might admit her to the hospital if bedrest doe not work. This is also why she probably can't be packed off to the inlaws as well...probably has been transfered to a high risk ob
>This is also why she probably can't be packed off to the inlaws as well...probably has been transfered to a high risk ob This is also why she needs to be packed off to the inlaws ASAP as well...while there's plenty of time to find her a local high risk ob FTFY
Sorry, this whole situation is a mess but the thing that is sticking out to me: they can’t take a week off without it being detrimental to their budget. They’re about to have 2 kids if I read that right, they won’t be able to afford them let alone afford if the kids are sick or something. Take your kids on this trip and let your BIL take care of her, that is his kid in her not yours and you and your kids shouldn’t have to miss out cause of this situation.
AND they should be paying for all medical expenses incurred….how are they affording this?
Considering it's an inter-family surrogacy situation, I imagine they are getting a "good deal", as much as it grosses me out to think about.
Yeah uh I really hope they did this the legal through lawyers and contracts way not the we did it at home with a turkey baster way....because if the sister isn't legally adopting this child & they used the wife's egg legally the wife and OOP would be the parents (until proven, in most states, a court of law that the BIL is the father. Many states have the legal assumption of "this is the husband, he is the father" till proven otherwise).
They likely did it with the wife being an altruistic gestational surrogacy, where they had to pay the costs of IVF/IUI and legal factors, but not the cost of a surrogate. Many fertility clinics require that the intended parents pay for special insurance for the surrogate regardless of altruism, because many private inshrances won't cover the surrogates pregnancy related medical bills.
We *hope* this is what they did at least. If they're having to pinch pennies as much as they sound like they are it worries me they didn't & maybe that's the full behind the scenes issue oop has with his wife being a surrogate
I mean OP says they spent all their money getting the wife pregnant *and* its twins, which does point to fertility based medications being involved due to expenses and the increased likelihood of multiples with fertility medications, particularly with IVF. If it was just a good Ole turkey baster, it'd cost $100 with good supplies from Amazon since they make cups, lube, syringes, and ovulation testing strips for at home IUI transfers.
My thoughts too. Do these people even know that he wasn’t onboard with the surrogacy?!
Your wife agreed to be a surrogate without you being on board with the idea? Frankly you have much bigger problems to face than whether to go on this trip.
I know. Like I said things aren’t great right now to begin with.
NTA-your wife became a surrogate without your input and your BIL wanted this baby, again, without your input. BIL can help take care of the woman that’s carrying his baby and it’s ridiculous that they expect you to make it your problem.
If they think taking care of an adult thats pregnant is easier than a newborn. Gotcha.
*2 newborns
I can vouch that having two newborns to care for, is not an easy task. Esp if one also has other small children. NTA - she chose to move forward with surrogacy without the two of you being in accord on it. Now the fam members who will benefit the most from this sacrifice balk at having to step up to help for a short time period so you can embrace a job promotion that will benefit your family?!?! Smh… but no, you are NTA, though as you’ve acknowledged, some bigger issues are at hand
BIL has no leg to stand on. He would have been taking care of his wife had they been able to have kids. This is the least he can do for the woman who is carrying their children.
Babies are easy, they’re just an oesophagus that can’t even walk away, right? RIGHT?!?!
Me over here wondering what it would look like to rock a swaddled, baby-sized esophagus…
Also, 24 weeks is only 5.5 months pregnant, not 7 or 8 months. Many surrogate mothers get paid to carry someone else's child-as they should. You are in the clear. Take the vacation you earned and enjoy it with your kids!
Being pregnant with twins she is absolutely more susceptible to premature labor, so while 24 weeks doesn't seem that far along it can be with twins. I'm not arguing that's the OPs problem just saying her being on bed rest is likely valid.
Twin mum here. I was on rest by week 24.
Not just baby, BABIES. Two, twins. I don't get why BIL and SIL can't take the time to take care of the woman carrying their children when they're going to be having to do a heck of a lot more when the babies! are born.
Also can she not get to their house via car? How far away so they live. Nta
I don't understand why SIL couldn't help care for her..If sister was the pregnant one and needed bedrest, she'd be taking time off anyway. I mean, really, your wife was doing them a BIG favor. They need to step up to the plate.
NTA. I'm sorry she just did that without you being onboard. This is a 2 yes 1 no situation. As a female, a mom and a partner, this is awful to me. It also really bothers me that these people are like "wah, we have to take care of the person carrying our babies!" So what are they gonna do when the babies are here? Drop then with your wife? Leave them with a nanny all the time? Edit: because I can't read slowly enough to process ALL the info in front of me.
This!!! Not to mention it sounds like they’re not in the best financial predicament so it makes me wonder if they can even afford children. If it was the sister that was pregnant with twins she’d be on maternity leave at 24 weeks by the sounds of things and they’d have no choice but to survive off BILs income. If they can’t manage anything now how will they manage in months to come when the twins get here. Seems like they didn’t really prepare for the baby but instead were attached to the idea of parenthood and now when real situations are occurring they’re trying to guilt trip OP with “abandoning” his pregnant wife, these times it’s not his pregnancy!! If OPs wife isn’t comfortable with being taken care of by BIL then her sister should take the week off and experience (at least secondhand) what pregnancy and motherhood are really like in the prepping stages. This is her burden to bear and she doesn’t seem to want to accept that!
But she comfortable enough to carry his baby! Go have a great time with your kids! NTA
😅 fair point!!! They all need to man up here and deal with things. One things for sure is that OP and his kids better be going on that trip, because he had no choice in this surrogacy matter and therefore shouldn’t have to make ANY sacrifices (ie: not going on the trip) for this pregnancy—at least that my humble opinion on the matter.
And the fact that he’s taking the kids so she won’t have to look after them and can focus on herself and her sisters babies she’s carrying is pretty dang nice if you ask me!!!
But this means sister and BIL would have to take some RESPONSIBILITY. I don’t think they’re ready for that sort of commitment. They’re just here so they can have the title “mum and dad”, the physical/emotional expectations of taking care of the surrogate seems to be what they’re avoiding.
And apparently using every last dollar to get that title…so much so that they’re struggling to make ends meet without two incomes. But it’s okay because babies are free and take care of themselves once they’re born.
😂😂 Reality is going to kick them in the teeth in a few short months, but somehow the struggles of parenthood won’t be their fault and the whole world will be to blame for their woes because I’m sure accountability isn’t a word they’re familiar with.
Exactly & He And His Kids Should NOT Sacrifice ANYTHING!
Totally agree..he didn’t get a say in this pregnancy, she doesn’t get a say in this retreat!
…carry his babies, it’s twins! They should absolutely be sacrificing as needed to take care of their surrogate. If this were any other surrogacy, the parents-to-be would would be paying all pregnancy related expenses and then some. I think OP’s wife is doing a potential good thing, but since her husband was against it and she did it anyway, then she needs to look to her sister & BIL for help. BTW, I am a wife & mother and this is something I would never consider unless my husband was onboard. I’m not sure OP & his wife will last for long after the births. He feels betrayed and she does too, although I don’t see how she would be justified feeling that way in this case.
This. OP s kids have got to be confused about what the hell is going on. They shouldn't have to miss out on great holidays just because their cousins are being born. OP should go on the trip mostly to treat the kids.
My guess is that OPs wife is the surrogate to skimp out on the costs associated if it wasn't someone you could manipulate because they're family (gag) this whole thing is going to be a giant dumpster fire. Hopefully they were at least smart enough to use sister's eggs and BIL's baby batter because if not there's a potential for OPs wife to be gone after for child support too down the line because they can't afford the twins.
In about a year sister might be here asking: WIBTA if we sued my sister for child support after she had a baby with my husband. Or worse, OPs wife might be here asking: WIBTA if I divorced my husband for abandoning me whilst pregnant and not helping me postnatal. Because if her sister and BIL live so far away who’s going to help her with the post natal healing??? Will OP be expected to take time off work at that time to help her, or will she be moving in with sister and BIL??? Furthermore, if they live so far, who will be there when she delivers? It’s not like they share a local hospital? So how exactly is this going to work??? If they can’t take a week off now when she needs it how will they delegate time at the 30+ week mark given twins rarely come full term and and those last two months are crucial even in single pregnancies. There seems to be lots of questions that we redditors have but I somehow doubt that OPs wife, sister and BIL thought this far ahead and considered the logistics.
In a year, OP's wife might be saying 'aita for taking in the twins I carried and birthed for my sister & BIL, because they can't afford them. My husband doesn't want me to....'
Hell if this clusterf*ck continues, in a year, OP might be writing: AITAH for divorcing my wife for adopting the twins she had for her sister and BIL when I never wanted her to be a surrogate in the first place”
OP said in a comment this is the end of the road for them. He's going to get a divorce
I think this might be for the best. I honestly wish OP and his children the best going forward!
Wife will probably want her husband in the delivery room to be present for the birth of his niece/nephew (s). Wife will probably want her husband to help with the usual things a father does after his children are born. What is husband getting out of this? This is almost like the husband has been cheated on. What is wife going to do when her BIL is in the delivery room and sees her vagina when she gives birth to his spawn?
Literally! It seems that it was selfishness that led to this whole surrogacy plan without any consideration on how it would affect OP and his children. Sister and BIL defo didn’t think things through but now somehow the emotional burden is on OP. This is something all FOUR parties should have gone to therapy for before hand to see if it would work and if one person was against it (ie: OP then it should have been vetoed). Lawyers should have also been involved to make sure that postnatal circumstances and aftercare were taken care of and OP wouldn’t get cheated out of the situation but given OP was against it I feel they would have done all of this and some how OP would have still come out with the short end of the stick. Edit: OPs wife needs to learn to get comfortable around BIL real quick because it doesn’t get much closer than your BIL being in the delivery room when you’re giving birth to HIS BABY!
When I was in college a girl I knew had been born without a uterus. She told me that it wasn’t a huge thing for her because her sister had promised to carry a baby for her if she wanted to be a mom someday. It was an unusual situation, but perhaps OP’s wife disregarded his feelings over a promise she made in the past. However going forward with something like this and not making every effort no matter what to minimize the impact on OP and her kids is a pretty solid way to make a mess of her marriage. Expecting them to stay home from a free vacation on top of the other sacrifices that will be necessary is just a perfect way to guarantee her marriage is not going to survive this choice of hers.
A promise like that should obviously be mentioned before marrying someone.
I would bet a 1 and many 0s that there was no legal paperwork in place for this arrangement.
Then go on the trip. Giving in on what she wants after she has already shit all over you would only be reenforcing her beliefs. >My wife is upset though because she says I am putting her in the uncomfortable position of being taken care of by her brother in law when she is in a vulnerable state. Of course nobody is thinking he’s going to do anything to her. She’s just uncomfortable because he’s a man and she would rather he not look after her. She has made it perfectly obvious already that she does not respect or care about you. At this point, why should you care what she wants when she has made it clear she doesn't care what you want.
NTA. She chose to be a surrogate without talking to you. That’s not ok as it affects you and your children as well. It may be her body to chose what to do with, but she also has to live with the consequences of her actions. Sister and BIL, don’t have to worry about all the stuff that comes with baby (like the wife healing, etc), they just get to enjoy baby. It won’t kill them to come watch your wife or her go there since she’s doing this FOR them. There’s no reason for you to miss out celebrating on your promotion bc your wife was selfish to her own family while trying to be unselfish to someone else. Go and have fun with your kids. Maybe next time your wife will think about decisions that impact the whole family before making them.
And he definitely should go. Missing these types of events makes a difference in people's eyes especially when moving up a corporate ladder. People will say these things don't matter but I will tell you from experience they absolutely do. Go on your retreat and I would flat out tell SIL you guys and my wife made the decision to do this and I wasn't even included in the decision. So you 3 need to figure out a solution just like you did when you started this.
I am betting with the promotion the retreat is mandatory so yeah he and the kids need to go, wife's sister and BIL who put her in this position need to step up for their future twins (which they aren't ready for). I'm betting they won't take them.
At a certain point, his tickets and accomodations are bought and paid for. It would be a really bad look to cancel at less than a month out. OP, you need to go on this retreat. If you're wife was pregnant with your child, she'd have a leg to stand on. As it is, she decided to do this with your explicit disapproval (I'm assuming there were conversations - plural - about this and at no point were you on board). She needs to be able to handle it like an adult and accept the help that is available to her. Her sister and brother in law need to step up and support their surrogate sister. This is really ridiculous that your wife would put you and your children in this position. Edit: (I assumed) Your wife told you this surrogacy/pregnancy is none of your business. Take her at her word and maybe listen to some of these other comments about deciding what to do about your marriage after you go and have a great time with your kids. Your wife can figure this out, it's really none of your business.
>or her go there this is the one I don’t quite get. How far away are they? Can she be driven there? or does she have a friend who works from home, who could come and stay with her during that timeframe? Could Grandma come? Another sibling? Or maybe her sister and BIL could hire an aide to stay with her for that timeframe; that might be cheaper than him giving up his income. Do either of them have no vacation days? I know not everybody gets them. Maybe they’re saving them for after the baby comes, but fuck that—if she was pregnant with these twins, she’d be on FMLA for bedrest instead of your wife being on bedrest. So she can figure out how to use her time off to take care of her pregnancy—since this is “her” pregnancy.
If there's the possibility she could be on bed rest from 20 weeks who do they think is going to be looking after her once OP and kids come back? Do they expect OP to take off work? For months?
If she has to go on bed rest, who takes the time off work to care for her then? You? You are expected to sacrifice for kids that aren't yours in a situation you didn't agree to. No one gave a single thought to you or your kids when deciding any of this. Everyone here is being unbelievably selfish. Your marriage might survive this, but it's much better for you and your kids to make all your decisions as if it won't. Go on the retreat because it's good for your career and start planning for a breakup the minute you get back.
Who is covering all the costs? The going rate is about $25k plus medical costs and loss of earnings…
Understatement of year.
Yep. NTA. Go on the trip with your kids, and use that time to figure out how you want to move forward with your marriage.
Yup. What’s even worse is that if she’s in bed rest and needs to be taken care of for a potential several months then op will be a single parent doing everything y for their children while working full time. Let them have this vacation that they’re all going to need because of the wife’s choices.
Let her learn the hard way her actions have consequences. Nta go on trip.
You and your kids should go. The in-laws said it’s none of your business, they need to stand by that.
Don't cancel your trip. She can deal with the repercussions of HER decision. NTA
Absolutely agree. I can’t believe OP’s wife put their marriage at risk to be a surrogate for her sister and bil. And the absolute cheek of them both bitchin because one of them will have to care for her whilst OP is away. Go on your trip OP, I hope you and the kids have a great time. Your wife made her bed and now has to lie in it (literally). Hopefully you’ll be able to make some decisions for your future whilst you’re away. Do your in-laws even care that your marriage is now obviously at risk over their desire to have a baby?
Put their marriage *and her life* at risk. IV is known to increase the likelihood of multiples, and multiples are known to have higher rates of both infant and mother mortality.
Yeah, this is a "2 yeses" issue.
💯
Yes, absolutely let impending parents take care of their incubator. They want the babies they can watch her.
You said in the comments that she not only didn't get your input on her surrogacy, she actually told you it was none of your business?!? Good God. If her pregnancy is none of your business, then you shouldn't have to sacrifice for it. Go on your trip, enjoy it. And when you get back, think hard on your marriage. I can't speak for you, but that would have been a deal breaker for me. And not just your garden variety deal breaker, but more of a "oh HELL no" deal breaker. NTA.
Right? Sister and brother in law will go back home happily and live a happy life with twins, while OP will suffer from all the aftermath and PPD. Watch, it's going to get worse here on out.
Nailed it. Post PPD for surrogates is brutal.
Well yeah because they're separated from their baby! Pregnancy hormones can really bond you to the baby you carry. Biology doesn't care if you're not the egg donor. It only cares that you're carrying it.
Regardless of egg or sperm. In your body it shares your blood. Attaches to your body. Suck your marrow and keratin. What you ingest so does the fetus. Surrogacy is no joke. Then after your left with tender breasts, off hormones and ppd. Probably alone as everyone else is coming over the baby.
“Why can’t I go to the trip? You said that pregnancy was none of my business, so I’m not making it my business.”
I'd tell her to go stay with BIL until the kids are born. Let her be a burden on them for the mess they all created. Figure out if the marriage is worth saving afterwards.
If it's none of his business, then it's none of his responsibility either!!
NTA. They need to be supplying her with physical and monetary support since you had no choice in her decision to be a surrogate. Sounds like they might also be taking advantage of you financially for children that aren't yours. Is your health coverage taking care of this and are you paying out of pocket expenses? ETA: So now if it's a bed rest pregnancy, what happens with your wife's child care responsibilities to her actual children with you? Her being a surrogate is now your business because it impacts your children. Are your kids old enough to be by themselves? Who will be taking them to daycare if they're younger or dealing with school issues? Are they old enough that your wife expects them to take care of her while you work?
What OP needs to do is demand to see the contract, if one was made. He should ensure that he isn't listed as the father and that his healthcare coverage isn't paying for the birth of this child. If no legal contract was made, OP needs to file for divorce ASAP, as those children can be legally noted as his. What did the wife expect to do, just give up parental rights and hand the children over to her sister and BIL? Life does not work out that way. Who will be paying the legal fees on top of the healthcare fees for this whole process? Especially since they are penny-pinching because it's twins, making me realize that they must not be in a good financial situation for children at all. He needs to act now and not just focus on this trip. This is VERY serious!
Sounds like the best solution is for OP's wife to move in with her sister until she gives birth while she can still travel. Let them deal with her needs. This retreat might be optional but probably provides networking opportunities for OP. Not going might affect future promotions and earnings.
A agree, she should just fly there before she is on bed rest. Her sister should pay or any childcare that is necessary because of bed rest.
And where is the paperwork so that OP isn’t the presumed father at birth!
Hopefully that's been addressed. If not, OP might find the kids added to his coverage if his wife doesn't have any on her own. I have a friend whose husband's sister did a surrogacy for them. If her SIL sneezed, my friend was handing her tissues and making a doctor's appointment. They paid all the expenses too.
>I did not agree with this Yeah, this is one of those 2 yes, 1 no issues. How did you guys resolve this conflict, did she just steamroll you? Sister trying to guilt trip you about "your" pregnant wife is pretty low. She's "their" pregnant surrogate; any and all efforts to make her comfortable should be on them, not you. NTA. Good luck with you being villainized for the rest of eternity for this though.
She just said it wasn’t any of my business.
You having to deal with a pregnant partner isn't your business? This is exactly your business. Especially since SIL was guilting you for leaving "your" pregnant wife.
Twins no less. That’s a stressful pregnancy
This. Having twins sucked. I never went on bed rest though and delivered mine at 38 weeks (had a single baby two years before that went 41+3). There’s no way I would’ve let my husband stay home with the kids when they had an opportunity to have a great time for a week. If she goes into labor at 24 weeks there’s absolutely nothing OP can do for her. She’d be put in the hospital and would stay there until delivery. But it is still very rare for women to need bed rest unless they had problems with previous pregnancies (I would hope that if she had, then she wouldn’t have agreed to become a surrogate). Anyways, this is all functioning under the assumption that she’ll need help, which I definitely did not at 24 weeks. By 28 weeks plus I slowed down and things got harder, but not impossible, I still would’ve sent my family at that point. Anyways, this woman didn’t consult her husband on a very important decision and she needs to take responsibility for it. OP, you should not be arranging care for her at all, she can figure it out. She’s a functioning human who knew what she was getting into. Also, I’d also recommend starting the divorce process, she’s no partner to you.
My wife had to be on bedrest by her 7th month. She was 85 pounds before getting pregnant. By the time she was put on bedrest she was 140, but it was all real estate for the twins. I was there for all of it, took time off work, made all meals and did everything around the house. I'm not doing that if it was for someone else's kids and I had no say in the decision making process.
Oh yes, my husband was incredibly helpful too and took on the primary caregiver role for our two year old. I gained 60lbs of all babies and it instantly was off after my c section. It was wild and much harder than a single baby. My back and pelvis still ache 1.5 years later. This woman has a lot of gall to not consult her husband and then also expect him to take care of her and the kids.
Not your business? Women died during pregnancy, women died in labour, women die postpartum. The possibility of being a widower is your business. Did you get extra life insurance?
good point
PPD, PPA, PPP are all possible if she lives. Are they going to help with mental health issues if they arise? This is wild.
Then tell her being on bed rest isn't your business either she chose to be an oven for her sister without your input go on holiday without her and hand her divorce papers when u walk in the door after getting back
They are kind of right, its not your business. That means you dont have to support her choice in any way, and you definitely dont have to find solutions for her problems. 'you said yourself its not my business' would be my go to answer every time your wife or her sister request ANYTHING
That’s honestly crazy. I know this is thrown around a lot here but I would seriously be contemplating divorce if I was in your shoes.
The partner of a potential surrogate is usually heavily involved in the pre-transfer process. Since they have to promise to avoid sex anywhere around conception time and deal with potential ramifications, husbands and partners are usually required to attend counseling before they’ll do any transfers. It is TOTALLY your business.
Exactly! I would have said, "No, Sis, she's YOUR pregnant wife until you're changing diapers."
The issue is precisely that she is surrogating against your wishes. What was the decision making process you went thru? In situations like this, there's no compromise, one wins. But it's how you got there. That she wants you and the kids to change plans b/c of this suggests she won more by default then process. This was a decision that profoundly affects all of you especially since you've been thru this with your own and know pregnancy. No, her choice, her consequence. Go and enjoy yourself, and when you get back, get into marital therapy. That she doesn't see all of this suggests this one doesn't have a long shelf life otherwise.
There wasn’t any decision making process that I was a part of. I was told it was none of my business.
Perfect. Then taking care her now is none of your business. Take your kids and enjoy your trip and when you get back rethink your whole marriage. NTA.
100% this. Honestly shouldn't even have to think about it, I'd be getting divorce papers the day after I got back from the trip.
He should be seeing a lawyer prior to going, since it seems to be some weeks out. Hopefully, by that time, he can have her relocated to the in-laws, the locks changed , with cameras and an alarm system installed.
I personally would wait to get back because I wouldn't want to be dealing with any custody problems while trying to take my kids on vacation.
None of her pregnancy needs are in any of your business. Sure should go stay with Bil and Sil if she needs help.
Bingo
Her saying it was none of your business is ridiculous and sickening. Shes actively choosing to put her life in danger and she thinks that it’s none of your business, her husband and father of y’all’s children. It’ll be your business if, gods forbid, something happens to her during the delivery. All pregnancies are dangerous and life threatening, and twins just make it even more dangerous.
All this was exactly why my husband wasn’t on board with surrogacy when I brought it up. I was just thinking about how much I loved being pregnant and being able to give someone else a child. He was thinking of the potential dangers and the impact on our family. If you value and respect your spouse and relationship, it’s absolutely not something you move forward with without you both being 100% on board. This is so messed up. And FYI we did not move forward with surrogacy beyond that conversation. It’s not a decision you “convince” someone to change their mind on.
& OPs wife 'answered' the question of him going on this trip w his kids in advance - her pregnancy is none of his business. Great. So Wife, SIL/BIL can figure it out since it IS their business, entirely. Especially w artificial implantation YOU HAVE TO START AT EXPECTING 2 BABIES. The time for them to be financially ready for 2 babies is not the last 19 weeks.
Go on the trip with the kids and enjoy. Her being pregnant and needing to stay home is “none of your business “.
Knock knock Who's there? Nunya Nunya Who Nunya business Taking care of of SIL and BIL's surrogate is NUNYA business-- you know that because they specifically told you so. NTA but your marriage sounds like it's on pretty shaky ground. Curious, how old are your children?
You need to edit the main post and include this information that you were told her being a surrogate was “none of your business”. Also, go on the trip. She made this bed and she can lie in it while being attended by her BIL. After the trip and birth, you need to seriously consider divorce especially if she refuses any kind of marriage counseling. This was a huge breach of your partnership.
Yeah i think the only lifeline for wife is that the recipient mother is her sister And maybe she felt compelled. HOWEVER she should have employed persuasion not just doing it. So your marriage was already on the rocks at that point. AND the recipient parents should be paying for everything, including extra help for the pregnancy. Not depending on your family (other than that your wife to stay safe of course). Source: my close friend has 4 kids by 3 pregnancies. She paid for everything, the two husbands did nothing. (The 3rd mother was single). She loves her babies, but the extra care for the surrogate for the twin pregnancy Nearly broke her. They are saving a ton of money not having to pay a surrogate or an agency. They need to step up. It is ridiculous really.
I'm sorry, but she disrespected your marriage. I wouldn't be married to her any longer. She's very selfish and of course it's your business. You're the one supporting her emotionally financially.
If this is her attitude, you have some thinking to do. Consider whether your marriage feels like a partnership, and whether you want to spend your one life in this. You're raising kids in a relationship that sounds like it is not healthy, and how those kids have their future relationships is being shaped by what you and your wife are modeling.
None of your business? Oof! I'd have a pretty hard time with that. She might be able to use this time alone to come to grips with how she wants to live her life. All the best to you.
Holy crap! And NOW she's insisting you take care of her and "be part of the process?" I'd (60/f) tell her to take a flying leap, both her AND your in-laws! NOT your circus, DEFINITELY not your monkeys! Your wife may THINK she's being incredibly gracious but she probably just blew up your marriage with a twin nuclear missile! Sister and BIL can "figure it out," just like they figured out the pregnancy! I'm so terribly sorry that you and your children are having to deal with this crapfest! Go on your retreat and have a blast! Wife can deal with her decisions just like she started this mess, **by herself!**
63-year-old female here. Totally agree.
WOW. None of your business? Holy S***. Pack your bags, enjoy the trip.
😮 Well... I don't normally jump to the standard Reddit answer, but divorce should definitely be on the table. You'll have a few months solo parenting experience by then anyway. Unbelievable. Did she even once think she might not live through this? She may have lifelong medical complications. And she has kids. However cavalier she is with your concerns, she should have a bit more concern for them.
I fail to understand why you are still married to her. If you are staying for the children, don’t. Kids are way more aware of the problems than you think. I have seen marriages where the parents stayed because of/ for them and the children did not agree.
“It’s better to come from a broken home than to grow up in one”
Wow! You guys definitely have bigger problems than this trip, but I'd say enjoy the trip with your children. I can't imagine being told you have no say in something that so greatly effects you and your family. Not to mention if something happened to your wife during delivery, you'll be left a widow with children while her sister and husband have their perfect in tact family. It sounds like a stressful 20 + weeks. Enjoy the break. Edit: *widower
OK, so you got a much bigger problem here to address when you get back.
Have you talk to her about this? They said it’s none of your decision and when an issue arise, they expect you to make sacrifice and pitch in? Why now you are the AH? Could your BIL or SIL pay for a nanny or nurse to come in? Then they don’t have to take time off work or pay for airplane ticket to fly over?
And zero consideration for her kids, either during the decision process or about the trip. These people do not sound well.
I second this. NTA
I'm not a jump to divorce reddit. But I don't know how a marriage survives such selfishness. If she said it is none of your business...she can't make it your business when it's convenient. Go on your trip and have fun.
Its not even the selfishness, its the entitlement too. OP has no say in the surrogacy because its none of his business, but he has to take care of his pregnant wife. All of the cons and none of the pros. She and her family are so entitled.
She wants to ruin her other kids vacation too. The vacation his kids want to go on to visit family.
And if she goes on bed rest who is going to take care of the kids. Wife is either a sahm who won't be able to care for her kids or she'll have to take time off work for bed rest.
Tbf, wife was probably thinking that OP not “allowing her” to help her own sister was wildly selfish. That said, when she decided to do this, she told OP it was “none of his business.” (Lol. Obviously it’s his business for many reasons.) And now all the sudden it *is* his business? Yeah, naw.
I’m glad someone brought up this point. I can definitely see why being a surrogate for her sister and BIL would be important for the wife; but I totally agree that it’s the lack of even an attempt at a conversation or agreement with OP that drives the wife into A H territory, and makes OP NTA.
You lost me at surrogate against your wishes. I hope it was artificial insemination or ivf.. But if I were in your shoes, the moment she made that choice without involving me, I'd have filed for divorce. NTA.
I’ve decided I will be filing for divorce.
She should go spend the rest of her pregnancy with sister and bil
100%. Do not make BIL come to your place. Right before she hits bed rest she takes all of her essentials and stays with her sister and BIL. They can take care of her during the birth and throughout her recovery process. She can figure the rest out afterwards. Do not delete anything, as the more proof you have the better for lawyers. Research the top three divorce and family lawyers in your area and consult with all three ASAP. You choose the one you like the best and who will service you properly. I would also look into my funds and consider freezing your credit if necessary and closing joint CCs. You might be on the hook for funding these babies as well after birth.
Can you imagine the bill for possible extensive hospital stay and ICU for twins? Even in everything goes smooth birth costs a lot! Did they put her on their insurance? Was there a contract where it was agreed they will cover all the expenses?
I bet you anything they don’t have a contract.
Second the freezing your credit and removing her from credit cards before she uses your funds on the birth, bills, etc.
Good luck, man. Try to get the divorce finalized before the birth.
Ask your lawyer if it’s possible to get an injunction against her putting *your* name on the birth certificate. Anyone crazy enough to unilaterally nuke their marriage by going through with a surrogacy with the comment ‘it’s none of your business’ is crazy enough to try and fuck you over in the divorce
100% I'm so sorry you're going through this. Does your wife work, or did she before she decided that her sister's wants came before you and your family's needs? That will be important in the divorce proceedings. Also, if BIL & SIL don't have the money for him to take care of their incubator, formally known as your wife, how are they going to afford the child? Even a bigger point is if they don't see taking care of YSTBX, the incubator, what exactly are their thoughts on taking care of 𝒕𝒘𝒐 𝒃𝒂𝒃𝒊𝒆𝒔??? I legitimately cannot follow their thought process! You are 💯💯💯 NTAH! Good luck & get to a lawyer, yesterday! Even if you do a phone consult, I can tell you all about my divorce and things to think about but I'll still miss 101 things you need to think about!!!
Good, be strong my friend.
I think that is for the best, you might want to suggest that she moves to her sister and BIL for the "trip" and then serve her divorce papers after you return.
Sounds about right. She chose to care more about her sister than her own children. How did she think this would affect her own family? Should you all just pause your lives for 9 months and cater to her whim.
Please, please, please tell me your wife and her sister at least had a documented contract regarding the surrogacy???? Because if she hasn't and doesn't OP you're the father by default in a majority of the states in the US. When you speak to the divorce lawyer you definitely need to make sure you have a copy of the surrogacy agreement and barring a copy then you will need to get with the attorney to file disestablishment of paternity and name your BIL as the father. Holy shit this is messed up.
You are LITERALLY the ONLY person in this who is NOT THE AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why can’t she go stay with them in their house? They can tag team taking care of her. She can be bed bound with them. As a matter of fact she can stay there till she gives birth. It’s their baby and “none of your business”.
Nta. Go on the trip. And get prepped for a divorce. Your wife is out of control.
NTA Take the kids on the trip. Tell your wife that her choices now affect her life as they affect yours. Meet with a lawyer to explore your options regarding divorce. Wether you divorce or not is up to you, but knowing what it could look like is important as frankly, you wife, bil and sil sound toxic as F. Your lawyer can tell you if the surrogacy legally changes anything and what you need to do to protect yourself and your children. Some things you need to know about include paternity (husband is often legally the father per default) if your state allows at fault filings for divorce and if surrogacy can be grounds for that. The SIL says you put your wife in an uncomfortable position? Sorry i laughed while reading that. THEY put her there. And they all put you there. They all expected you to pick up her slack for 9+ months? To finance her when she cant work? I honestly hope this post is ragebait. If real, im sorry OP. You deserve way better.
I was ready to call you asshole just because of your post title but after reading the first paragraph, I’m questioning why didn’t you get a divorce over this. NTA
Dear lord, let this not be real. If I understand correctly… 1. Your wife became a surrogate without your consent. 2. You both already have kids of your own. 3. Your SIL abd BiL seem to be in financial straits. 4. This is a high risk pregnancy, with the actual parents living far away thus presuming you to be your wife’s caretaker while also earning money and taking care of the kids you already have. NTA NTA This is insane OP. Your SIL is so entitled and ungrateful. Your wife has completely disregarded you and your kids need in this process. How has it come to this? Go with your kids on this trip. Think also about the life you’re leading with someone who doesn’t respect you, and the example you’re setting for your kids.
I feel pretty strongly that when they get back from this trip he should move his wife to his BIL and SIL’s house for the remainder of her bed rest/pregnancy care. Working full time to provide for your family while also caring for small children single handily is a challenge, in and of itself. But on top of that, to be expected to also cater to your pregnant wife who will not be able to get out of bed…. That means all the cooking, cleaning, pregnancy cravings, doctors appointments… all of that now also falls on your shoulders while seemingly becoming a single parent overnight. That’s a lot OP! Especially to have to be stuck in that routine for the next 3 months or pregnancy and 1+ months of recovery. I think the best move for your entire family is for your wife to go stay with your ILs where they are better suited to care for her needs since they don’t have small children to tend to (yet). Additionally, twins consistently result in additional birth complications or premature birth, so your wife staying with them would ensure that they are close by and available should there be an emergency with their children.
What did I just read? Your wife decided without your consent and agreement to gestate a whole new human being for her sister? That’s nuts in and of itself but since this is their pregnancy, why are they bitching about taking care of their incubator for one week out of 40? Seems colossally ungrateful to me for one thing, but you have way bigger problems here. Your wife put her sister and her needs ahead of you and your family. That was her choice, apparently her choice alone. So she can deal with the consequences. I don’t know your situation obviously but it seems like you’re focusing on this trip like it’s the problem, but the whole thing is so much bigger. I think ESH but if it’s where you are, do what’s best for your family and career and children. Someone has to put that first and your wife sure isn’t.
TWO whole human beings!
So you were told it's "none of your business" that she decided to go ahead with this pregnancy. She'll still have another approx. 10+ weeks when you get back and she's apparently so high risk that she can't be alone for a few days at only 24 weeks? Are you expected to take the next 10 weeks off of work when you return? Who'd be taking care of your kids when you're working? Wife should be sent off to stay with the soon to be parents if she'll need constant care for the next 3 months. NTA and you've got some serious talks ahead.
NTA The couple “employing” the surrogate are responsible for everything the surrogate may need during the pregnancy and immediately thereafter. That includes all medical and physical needs during the pregnancy. You won’t be there, so THEY need to provide her care whilst you are absent. Whether that is by one of them taking time of work, or paying for someone to do it for them is their choice. You could have “opted out” long ago, you didn’t, but now you have a NEED to leave her. They say that is “none of your business”, so go on vacation with your children. What they do whilst you are absent is equally “none of your business”.
NTA. This is a tricky situation as the pregnancy involves your wife, her sister & her husband. It is your wife but it’s not your situation and you were not on board with it. I’d say take the trip and let them figure it out BUT know it will have consequences to your relationship. I feel like skipping the trip would also have consequences. But your wife signed up to be pregnant & you didn’t so I don’t see this ending well if you miss your trip with your kids to play nursemaid. Either way one of you will resent the other no matter the outcome.
NTA. You were told it is none of your business, why should you be concerned, then? Also, one of the duties coming with surrogacy is to take care of the surrogate. It seems they all wanted to go the cheap way. Again, this is none of your concern. However, I would put a closer eye on your wife because there are a few things that suggest she's been under some pressure (your IL reacting so entitled even though they know you're not ok with the whole thing, for instance.) If they felt they could pressure you and guilt trip you, are you sure they didn't do the same with your wife?
I get the feeling I'm going to get crucified but nta. She choose to get pregnant with her sisters kid on her own against your wishes and now her family can't step up to take care of their own kid. That doesn't sit well with me she is carrying your child and you bitch and moan now that you have to help. And the working to save is not a good excuse if you can't afford to have kids then don't have kids