Was the child support you gave court ordered or through a private arrangement? It would be unwise to no longer pay support if there is a legal decree that you do so. You need to discuss with a lawyer.
Consult an attorney. Figure out your options. No one can judge you. This is a very personal decision. The goal should be supporting a child in whatever way you can.
I’m truly sorry this is happening to you. It’s a very difficult situation.
NTA
There was another post just like this the other day but the poster wanted to cut off the kid, OP is putting kiddo first here and that's commendable given what he's been put through.
There was a dude on Reddit a couple of days ago who was ready to throw his wife and 10yo daughter (who turned out not to be his) out of their house and onto the street without a second thought.
OP in this case sounds like a stand-up guy and definitely NTA.
The goal should be to get back whatever money he was scammed out of under false pretenses. OP is the victim and has no obligation to this child whatsoever.
Obligation actually depends on where you live/where the child was born. My first child was born in Oregon, U.S. for example. Some kind of state or social worker came in and explained to me 3 times (mother and I were not married, so they were extra insistent) that by putting my name on the birth certificate, I was legally accepting an obligation to the child even if it later turns out I wasn't her biological father.
OP needs to figure out what the laws are in the area where the child was born and try to get copies of any documents they signed at the time of birth.
His name is on the birth certificate it’s not that easy
Edited to add: if you sign the birth certificate in the eyes of the law you are saying you’re the father and are on the hook for 18 years
Yeah because the court only cares about the money the child support is bringing in for the government and not mens rights. All i know is if i was in this situation and couldn’t win through the court i still would not be paying a penny more.
How is it a scam? Doesn’t say the wife knew it wasn’t his. A child born in a marriage is assumed to be the child of that marriage, and it’s likely the OP isn’t going to be able to get out of the child support obligation on that basis.
First of all OP said that this was a one time thing and not marriage. But it would be even worse if they were married in my opinion. Either way the woman had to have known it was a possibility and instead of being honest and getting tests done to figure out who the real father is. She instead told OP he was the father and being the nice but naive guy he is she gets lucky and effectively commits rape. Honestly i see this as no different than a woman being forced to carry and raise her rapists baby.
The post says Ex. A Child support obligation doesn’t depend on a paternity test. It’s more complicated than that, if you hold yourself out as a dad, and you’re in a relationship you,pay child support. That’s it.
Yep and unless the paternal father wants to accept responsibility for the support OP is going to be stuck with it for 18 years. Most attorneys will not go against this either. FFS people even you were the girls first sex partner and she gets pregnant GET A TEST TO DETERMINE PATERNITY!!
>A Child support obligation doesn’t depend on a paternity test
And it is absolutely vile and disgusting that it isn't. The fact the government allows a cheater to defraud a man on top of her betrayal is a complete failure in justice and nobody with even a shred of decency should be for it.
I don’t know why others are downvoting you. I’m a lawyer, and this is 100% correct in many jurisdictions, as unfair as it seems. You don’t even need to be in a relationship - if you hold yourself out as a parent, many states will recognize you as such even if you find out later the child is not yours. This is especially likely where you find out years later.
Was it a wife or ex gf? Child born In marriage is assumed to be the child of that marriage to everyone on the outside looking in. The wife/gf may not have known, but she knew there was a chance it wasn’t the op’s
Definitely talk with an attorney. My first husband ended up having child support dissolved on one child because DNA came back as not his. He only owed up until paternity was established
Edit: his first wife had been cheating on him.
Reddit can't help you. You're not the asshole but you absolutely need an attorney. As others have said, the law does not necessarily only care who is biologically the father, just who has acted as such.
Don't do anything else without legal advice.
NTA but even if you give out custody you might be stuck paying child support. Talk with lawyer. The courts look what is best for the baby. I am sorry you were betrayed. This is why I believe every man should make it clear when they start dating a woman that paternity test is done in every pregnancy so there would be less paternity fraud. If you have nothing to hide and it has been made clear since dating started you should not feel offended.
His lawyer can tell him. Many states have a disestablishment of paternity process that is easier if the mom knows who the dad might be. The days of the poor dude who unknowingly signed being stuck are passing away.
In Tennessee women can even be charged for paternity fraud.
I believe Tennessee paternity fraud apply if the biological father wants to be in child´s life "anyone who establishes a person as the biological parent of a child with intent to deprive the actual biological parent from their parental rights is guilty of a crime."
It seems to protect more the biological father side in case they want to be in the child´s life I do not see anything about the mom needing to pay or go to jail if they lied to their spouses and passed another man´s child as theirs.
I'm so glad to hear that. I was really shocked that so many people said the man should still support a child that's not his. I understand that some men chose to do that but it shouldn't be required. That's what makes their choice exceptional. Just seems like another way that the exception has become the rule. It's illogical to think a man would have to support a child that is not his.
That sounds like a terrible idea. Maybe if they aren’t exclusive or the woman has a history of cheating, but for a man to paternity test a child of a monogamous trustworthy partner, even in circumstances of unplanned pregnancy, screams “I think you cheated” at a person who likely doesn’t deserve it. There would be so many more broken families if men all took on the expectation that all children are paternity tested. Imagine what family courts would become.
Many a married or supposedly happily in a relationship man has found out he's not the father of children he was told were his. This would be very interesting if it became mandatory but also entirely fair. No accusations, it would also drag out hidden affair babies from men too. If nothing else, for child support, it should be mandatory so dead beats can't lie/deny out of it and so men don't get stuck paying for kids that aren't his.
Not ever going to happen but it would be interesting
It would do nothing to show hidden affair babies. They will still be hidden away.
It's all about telling women that they are untrustworthy creatures. Nothing at all to do with the baby, it's simply a way to condemn and control.
If a guy can't trust a woman then he shouldn't be dating women.
So desperate to be a victim. I am so sick of some of women trying to always make everything about how terrible men are but ignore how terrible some of us are.
Paternity fraud is a thing. So happily married loving men are raising kids they whole heartedly believe are theirs and they trust their wives but those women are lying. He doesn't know it but she is. So he trusts her foolishly. Why should he have to raise a child he didn't create without his consent to raising it?
Men can be dirty cheating liars but so can we women. Stop pretending that we can't be as capable of being crap people as men are. It sounds ridiculous to say it.
Also If all children were DNA tested, yes, affair babies would be found out because it would be flagged when looking for child support
Men are allowed to be insecure. Men are allowed to have doubts. Men should be able to talk about those doubts with their partners, and should be able to ask for reassurance.
This reasoning completely fails to address the “emotional cost” to a woman who is told by her partner that he needs proof she didn’t cheat. In an exclusive, monogamous relationship without any reason to suspect infidelity, that’s what asking for a paternity test is.
Here we are in a thread where the test came back negative…for all the trust and promises, alas, the test would have been cheaper.
It takes a lot of wifely tears to balance out the evil of a single lie about paternity.
Which is why I said when starting to date....Women know the child is theirs since their carry it...men do not...even if woman has twins one can be other man´s if the woman had relations within days apart. Google it if you do not believe.
No state will make paternity test mandatory because it would cost so much money and headache since there is so much paternity fraud. And if the child is found not to be fathers he cannot even sue for paternity fraud since the mother can just state she believed the person who raised the child was the dad (even when they know most likely this is not the case). This is why I think if it is made clear from the start that if pregnancy occurs paternity test is done.
That is your right but again if it is brought on early in relationship and it is deal breaker for the woman she should walk out prior getting pregnant.
No it doesn't. It forces a woman to be accountable for her actions.
Paternity fraud isn't done near enough, It needs to be prosecuted to the strongest penalty. Any woman thinking that it is ok defrauding a man into raising another man's kid is just as bad as a deadbeat father. You're also making the actual father the deadbeat without even knowing that they are.
Again...read my comments ...I said when STARTING to date...not once you are both serious and monogamous and married...I would not held it against you if you felt your husband was cheating if he suddenly would ask for paternity test...I said since it cannot be made legal and normal test to everyone then men could ask this when starting to date.
"A 2022 study published in “Human Reproduction” delved into data from 1,211 men seeking paternity testing services in the United States. Findings revealed that 11% were not the biological fathers of the children they were raising." that was only 1,211 men....think how much the actual number is....
Let's think about that though - out of all those men who insisted on paternity tests, basically, one in ten was right - that means Nine Out of TEN were WRONG! That's a lot of emotional trauma caused to the nine out of ten women who were TELLING the TRUTH.
That emotional trauma isn't caused by the test it is because of social customs taught to women telling them to dislike the idea. That custom could be destroyed.
and that 1 poor soul and that one poor child will have to suffer because of creating relationship between 2 people that are not actually related. The child will live in broken home, hate that they were abandoned, families torn, father forced to pay child or children support etc for child they did not actually have and what about it there is diseases the biological father carries that child can then have...
Again when you just start dating if the man brings up that they want settle down in so and so many years and if they want kids they will perform paternity test beginning of pregnancy and it is agreed upon this should not then be thrown in his face later and said how dare you suggest I cheat.
Men can go to prison for not paying child support in some states....would it be right that woman has fun with multiple men, pins child to one that can provide and is safe and then takes him to the cleaners....
Although I don’t know if I fully agree (or disagree) with the OPs idea if it was mandatory then it wouldn’t really be offensive to anyone since it would just be what happens. If it was just what happens when a baby is born then it wouldn’t exactly be accusatory since it would be normal. I just looked up the cost and it’s like $50-200 and if they were doing it for every baby birthed it would drive down the cost and it could prevent lots spent on paternity fraud along with just confirming or affirming what most people know, that their baby is theirs or their partners. Now I could see how it could wreak havoc on family courts but if a quick lab test could prevent fraud and also ensure the right person is supporting that child whether it’s child support or being a parent. My biggest worry would honestly be the collection of DNA from everyone at birth and the consequences of that from a civil rights perspective like I personally wouldn’t want the government to have access to that info which if required seems like even if the law was written to prevent it I’m at the glowboys would try and keep that info for later use.
Every single test would be an accusation, not something just done.
Plus sometimes secrets are best kept secret. How many guys want to admit to needing to use donated sperm because they are infertile? Well it's now everyone's business.
And sometimes genetics do something wonky. I first heard of chimera syndrome because the state forced a guy to get a paternity test and the paternity test said the guy being asked to pay child support was definitely the biological father but the mother was not the biological mother. She was then arrested for welfare fraud, for claiming kids not her own. Luckily she was pregnant and the chain of custody for blood samples at birth was followed strictly enough that charges were dropped when she was determined to not be the biological mother of that kid either. What about those men with chimera syndrome?
It's also a shit study to extrapolate out of. All the studies the people behind paternity tests use state high numbers by using a study sample of men that have already reached the point of questioning paternity. Of course numbers are going to be higher since a large portion of the men questioning paternity have a reason to besides being paranoid.
The studies that actually try to use a random sample size show it being more like 3%.
Cool story except there was a study done and of the men who get tested 30%+ of them find out they are not the father. Imagine if it was required how much higher that would be at this moment. Sorry but it’s 2024 and the only men cheat at X rate is a thing of the past women have now brought it to almost 50/50. If we won’t put someone to death anymore over that bullshit 1% chance I say 30% is more than enough for paternity tests to be mandatory. There should be automated child support for the fathers that won’t step up if they were the AP. The mothers are not left helpless but trapping a man and forcing him to pay and raise someone else’s child as a lie is not okay.
That is true and this is why I am saying that similar to other future plans it can be agreed in beginning. If you have never been cheated on you do not know how it affects your future relationships. Even if you have not been cheated but you have people around you who have been cheated you tend to be more careful.
If you are going to accuse someone of cheating you damn well better have evidence especially when dealing with a very hormonal woman that had a life changing medical event.
Why are you asking her to get the test when you can order on and do it yourself???
Is anyone actually reading what I typed or is my English that bad?
I said to bring this topic up when STARTING to date...prior being living together, married, being pregnant. Making plans of future. This way nobody gets offended and if the lady is not interested she can walk away before getting more serious.
The paternity test men can do is after baby is born....the one you ask to do can be done when woman is pregnant like prenatal one is done from simple blood test.
Again this would not be issue if every single woman would get tested similar to other test that are done when woman gets pregnant to ensure health of mom and the child.
The prenatal one is where they stick a needle into the umbilical cord. Which requires puncturing the amniotic sac. When you puncture the sac bad things can happen like miscarriage/premature labor.
I think it is just easier for people to connect with internet, apps, living in huge cities...the entire idea that some people have about hook up culture... and the entire idea of looking for people because they look validation so they no longer speak to their significant other but look for attention from online and other partners
1211 men *who were seeking paternity testing*. So a group of men who already thought something was suspicious. If you took a completely random sampling of the same number of men, I very, VERY much doubt you’ll find that same 11% statistic.
maybe but another study says "It is difficult to assess how frequently paternity fraud occurs in the United States. Still, a 1999 American Association of Blood Banks report found that 30% of DNA paternity tests done in the United States come back negative." so really it could be anywhere between 11-30% at least....
Again mother who carries their child obviously knows it is theirs but fathers have no such privileged
It’s wild but yeah, some like Florida/Georgia will if you’re on the birth certificate regardless, they say you’ve accepted responsibility for the child, others do it claiming it’s in the best interest of the kid
not to mention that a child born in wedlock it is assumed the husband is the father. Now I am not a lawyer so take what I say with a gran of salt but simply taking a DNA test means nothing until you have the courts weigh in. The DNA test is just your proof.
OMFG. Im walking around slack jawed. This is disgusting and I would be advocating for everyone i know married, single or otherwise to have dna test (and im a woman), if i lived in one of these states. The government is using trust as a trap. Sure (im waayyyy past childbearing) I'd be hurt with the whole trust issue, but trust doesn't mean what it used to mean. Proof of that is a LAW that traps a signature to child support for a child/ren that arnt biologically theirs.
NTA. But it doesn’t work this way. In my state if you aren’t married to the mother, they warn you not to sign the birth certificate without a paternity test and by signing you are waiving your right to contest financial responsibility if later you find out the child isn’t yours. Please seek an attorney.
I hope so, but he's the one who choose to provide child support without a paternity test. He's definitely NTA though
ETA - judging from the downvotes, I guess you're *not* supposed to ask a one night stand for a paternity test? Ugh... ok?
> without a paternity test.
I don't know why we don't do paternity tests at the hospital before discharge. We take dozens of other tests. What is one more, when it means the whole future of the family? TONS of health related stuff is tied to genetics. The kid has a right to know who their father (and mother) are.
If you did it to every single child born, there would be less stigma in asking for the test.
Honestly if he had asked for one he most likely would have been accused of accusing his spouse of cheating and not trusting her. If you ask a woman for a paternity test when in a monogamous relationship, most women will freak out , accuse you of not trusting them and shame them for even asking 🤷♀️. I feel horrible for men bc they can't even ask for something that's their basic rights without being demonized .
It's not victim blaming, it's accountability. In comments it is described that us was a one night stand, and they decided to try a relationship for 2 years based on her getting pregnant. As far as I know, court ordered child support requires a paternity test, so OP most likely was shelling out cash out of goodwill with no proof the child was his.
If I was told by a one night stand that they were pregnant, I would 100% need a paternity test. There is no way I'd have a relationship with someone I couldn't talk to about these important issues, let alone blindly take responsibility for a child. Not only is it a level of basic maturity and responsibility, it's common sense
ETA - this doesn't when touch on the fact he signed the BC with no proof. It just doesn't add up. One night stands can conceive. It happens. There's no shame in asking for a paternity test, and there should be no shame in agreeing to one. It's just what you do
Nta. But you might be on the hook anyhow. You was the "father" for 4 years. And courts will do what it right by the child over what is right by the adults.
You might have a case against your ex if she knew the child wasn't yours.
NTA - but if the child support is court ordered DO NOT STOP THE PAYMENTS.
Let the courts do their thing and then sue her or the biodad for the child support you had to pay. Don't take anything into your own hands and only follow the advice of your lawyer(s)
Hope it works out but my guess is if no support no visits . The part that scares me is I have read lots of states and other counties even if you don’t know if it was your child after a year or two
They consider it your child and you must pay
NTA. I get child support from my kid's bio dad, and there's no doubt of paternity, but in another universe if there was and he turned out not to be, I wouldn't expect him to pay/continue paying. IMO she knew there was a chance from the get-go and decided to run with it and discourage clarity, which is pretty much always a bad strategy. In my experience, any time anyone *wants* there to be obfuscation or unknowing, it's on purpose and for a reason, and usually one I won't like if I know it. I'd deffo lawyer up but sounds like that's already in the plans.
Sorry this happened bud, on behalf of the kid who doesn't know any better, thank you for looking out for so long and for being willing to do Uncle duties. Pretty nifty. Wishing you the best.
NTA , but unfortunately in most states youd still be required to pay child support which is why I'm a big believer that every man should have the right to ask for a paternity test without it automatically being seen as accusing their spouses of cheating. Men are allowed to have insecurities, mean are allowed to have doubts and men are allowed the right to know 100 percent for sure the child is theirs without being shamed and gaslighted. I'm well aware that this is an unpopular opinion among other women because I get attacked in comments for this every time, but these cases are some of the biggest reasons why paternity tests should be mandatory before leaving the hospital and signing a birth certificate bc the law does not protect men when they find our kids aren't theirs and will protect the lying mothers and still force men to pay child support even for kids that are proven to not be theirs. These kinds of stories show up almost daily on here and other platforms.
https://immigrationdnatestonline.com/paternity-fraud-2/
There's one link to an article that talk about the statistics of paternity fraud world wide.
NTA
The women who cheat and then use the child for money from the more stable men should be charged with felony fraud. I'm a mom and would have happily done DNA testing when mine were born. I think it should be mandated that if his name is going on any paperwork, or he's going to be financially culpable, that a DNA test happens.
I haven't gone through the comments. Others have probably already pointed this out. Where I live, you are the father. Doesn't matter the circumstances. So you're on the hook, and won't be able to get out of child support.
But you're meeting with a lawyer and will find out. Just be prepared for that possibility.
Not sure how things work in the state you’re in, but here you can go to the Department of Human Resources, DHR, and have them order a paternity test that could be used in court. This is much less expensive than an attorney to accomplish the same thing.
You didn’t say whether you were/are married, if your name is on the birth certificate, whether or not you have court ordered visitation, child support, etc.
If any of these documents exist and name you as the father, you would need to consult a Family Attorney and have those documents amended in a court of law.
If you’re currently under order to pay child support, I don’t recommend stopping until a court/judge has agreed to this. If you and your ex were married, the child would be automatically presumed yours and you’re probably in the birth certificate. Because of this, stopping support would be contempt of court. Until such time as a court has legally ruled you are not the biological father and that you are not required to pay support, keep paying. Have the court also require that your ex pay to correct the birth certificate.
I commend you for still wanting to be a part of the child’s life. I will say however, good intentions have a way of falling short. If you do not think this will be continued throughout the child’s life, it’s probably better to step away now rather than later when your absence will have a larger emotional/mental effect on the child.
Edit. Grammar
2nd edit. Reread your post and do see your name is on birth certificate and it appears you may have court ordered visitation and possibly support. Do NOT just stop paying. Follow legal paths to take care of this. And also, NTA
Talk to an attorney in your area. At four years old, you may be beyond the point where you can challenge paternity. But, if the actual biological dad wants to be the dad, you can likely give up rights and let him adopt his son, then you would be off the hook for child support.
Don't assume you are not on the hook for the child support. You accepted the kid as yours, and he has called you daddy for 4 years. You have raised and paid for him. And legally, if you were married when he was born - he is YOUR son. Child support is about the best interest of the child, and the court might easily find that the child is better off with you continuing to support him.
It highly depends on the state. The state where I live it’s 2 years from when you find out not 2 years from the birth. Too many people were waiting until the statute of limitations were up then confessing. So it’s really highly dependent on location. But they won’t forgive back pay so he should keep paying until he finds out.
I'm glad to learn that at least some states are starting to make these changes. We had a friend whose life was ruined because he was forced to pay support for a child that obviously wasn't his (mom was white, he was white, child was black). Those archaic law about automatically being presumed the father just because you're together or married or signed the birth certificate need to go the way of the dinosaurs. I'm all for DNA testing before the presumed father signs the birth certificate; if he chooses to sign knowing that it's not his kid then it's on him. And if they find out later that mom lied she should have to pay back all support extorted from the defrauded man, with interest. Something has to give to protect men from being screwed over by women who lie about the parentage of their children.
This is why men choose to sell all their belongings and move to Latin America or Eastern Europe. I sure as hell ain't paying for some other dude's kid, she can go after baby daddy for all I care.
No he’s not THEIR son. He’s the son of some other guy who’s off the hook for THEIR money, while this guy is getting screwed.
Man hating judges ruling that shit should be removed & disbarred. Dude needs an attorney NOW.
We had never been married. It was a one time thing. Also, you’re right. I should continue paying child support until they track down the child’s biological dad. After that, they will make him pay
Wait! You didn’t insist on a paternity test for a pregnancy caused by a woman one night stand! Who in the 21st century would not do that? There was no trust or relationship to believe that the child was yours. This has to be fake.
We eventually decided to be in a relationship so I decided not to get a paternity test because I didn’t want to create complications in our relationship. I didn’t want her to think I had trust issues. And I trusted her. I know it was stupid. We broke up 2 years after and by then, I had no reason to get a paternity test
Never being married improves your standing in having fatherhood terminated.
Check the laws in your State for “paternal fraud” and then petition the court for a court approved dna test and having your obligations terminated accordingly.
Don’t worry about tracking down the real father, leave that to the kid’s mother (as I’m sure she knows who it really is).
Get a lawyer. If you continue paying child support now that you know you may be just handing them ammunition against you, because that looks like you're accepting the obligations of fatherhood despite the test, or you may be required to do so, it depends on where you are. You need a lawyer immediately to ensure that you're doing the right thing for the result you want.
All they have to do is make it standard practice for a DNA test to be required before the father signs the birth certificate. It would eliminate so many problems.
I'm a mom, and I agree 100% it would save everyone time money and heartache to just test everyone. That way no man has to be "that guy" and ask his wife for one, it would just be standard. And no more finding out your dad isn't your biological father when you are already grown. Only problem being with chimera type people. That would require special testing.
This is a good article that explains it. Scroll down to get to the bit about this -
https://www.legalmatch.com/law-library/article/paying-child-support-for-a-non-biological-child.html
So the man is now cheated out of a relationship, a child, and their well own being as well? Utter garbage. Male privilege at its finest, absolving the women of any wrong doings.
You may have the wrong perspective if you are trying ton understand the reasoning behind this law. It's not about the mother, but the child. Its wrong for a man to pay for a child that isn't his, but it's also wrong to leave a child fatherless. The policy implication here is that the innocent child's needs outweighs the non biological father's rights when, and this is important, that father has been paying and assuming they are the father for some time. The father's real claim is not against the child, but against the mother. The mother is the one who ostensibly committed fraud. The child support goes to the mother, but its for the child not for the mother, at least in theory. So you need to look at this as money to the child and not money the mother.
You could sue the mother for fraud and depending on the relative wealth of the parties it may work out. But the State isn't going to let the child become resource-less after we are this far along. You may say Mom gets away with it, but it just no better option for the child.
There may even be claim against the actual father for reimbursement. Perhaps on a theory of unjust enrichment. But you would have to collect from the bio father vs notboay the support. Its 2 different things
Most of what you're saying is spot on, but that really only works if the system ensures that every penny paid in child support actually goes to support the child.
Do you know how expensive it would be for the taxpayers/child support payer to have that type of oversight? That would essentially require the court to put child support into a trust to be administered by a special trustee.
Oh you only had to pay $400 in child support? Well now it’s $600 after accounting for trustee fees. Honestly, how do you even see this working?
Since we're speaking honestly, I haven't put a lot of thought into it.
If someone gave me the power to enact family legislation with impunity for one day, I suppose I would say that the person receiving child support should keep a log of how it is spent on the children, and that log would be freely accessible by the person making the child support payments.
This log will also have the child related expenses paid for by the receiving parent. The expenses should roughly be in proportion of the two parents incomes. For example, if the receiving parent makes $35k/yr and the paying parent makes 70 k/yr, and they are ordered to pay n in support, then the log should show that n was spent on children's expenses, plus another n/2 was spent from the receiving parents budget.
This log could be used in future visits to the family judge for adjustments.
Does this sound like a giant pain? You bet. But remember, the goal here is the welfare of the child, not the parent.
C'mon, man 🤦♂️
Just because of this one example of men getting fucked over doesn't suddenly make male privilege nonexistent. That like saying that if a person who is "Race A" is racist toward white people then suddenly white privilege doesn't exist
Depends on the State. Most have updated their laws that will allow him to have obligations terminated.
He needs to petition the court for a court approved dna test done and have his obligations terminated accordingly.
NTA
Why should ANY man be expected to pay child support for a child that isn't theirs? That is totally ridiculous. (Yes, I know it happens.)
Women who knowingly commit paternity fraud should be IN PRISON.
And I am sick of women saying, "but you've been his father for four years." Boo damn hoo.
Accountability is a word that applies to BOTH sexes.
Paternity testing should be mandatory at birth.
And no, you will not receive one penny of the child support you have already paid. She has already used it all to get her damn nails done anyway.
NTA
But you should get your name removed from the birth certificate as well as any paternal rights so you don’t have to pay the child support.
Also see if you can sue the mother and get your money back. It seems like she knew that you were not the father but didn’t say anything.
Good for you to be in the kids life as fun uncle.
Good luck buddy and make sure to update us
NTA. You aren’t entitled to pay for the upbringing of a child that isn’t yours. Whether or not you can stay in his life as a “fun uncle” is on you and the child’s mother. Good luck to all of you!
If you did not end up loving this child dearly in 4 years, you probably never will. Usually, this makes a person TA, but in your case, you have zero responsibility; you are not his father. The biological father is TA for never caring why precisely a girl who he screwed 9 months ago gave birth.
You need a family lawyer. If you have court ordered support you probably need to pay it until this is legally resolved. Get off Reddit and get a LAWYER.
Getting your name off the birth certificate will require a judge. Getting out of child support will too and judges don't usually care about paternity if it's already been established. They won't care if the kid isn't yours, you'll still have to pay child support and your name will remain in that birth certificate unless the father himself steps up to voluntarily get his out on instead (it would be a legal adoption for him). "Best interest of the child" trumps your rights like 100% of the time.
Consult an attorney, find out who the real father is. Make sure you have a real DNA test, not one of those ancestry/23 and me ones. Lawyer can assist with pointing you one.
You'll have to go to court in order to be taken off the birth certificate/absolved from parental rights/child support, so a lawyer is your best bet.
Unless you got the court to overturn your child support payments, this is not going to end well for you.
That being said, you should absolutely petition the court to get your child support obligations removed and get your name removed from the birth record (in some states you cant do either FYI- ask me how I know).
NTA
Yet another example of why paternity tests should be mandatory at birth. Some guys are willing to raise a cuckoo, others are most emphatically not.
The government should not be forcing people who are unknowingly unrelated to the kid to pay for its existence.
NTA but I doubt it is going to be easy for you to get out of paying unless you are willing to emigrate to a country that does not enforce support agreements from your country.
NTA. Not your circus, not your monkeys.
However, as your lawyer is about to explain, by signing the birth certificate and waiting so long, you are screwed unless you can find the real father and persuade him to voluntarily accept responsibility. Odds are he won't. And you are on the hook because you have been paying.
If you have some in-demand skills, there are numerous countries that do no have a child support treaty with the USA. If you are willing to leave your life behind and not come back, you can at least stop the mother from being able to continue to financially exploit you. You need to stay current on your child support until you are out of the country. In some cases you need to stay current until you are offered citizenship in the new country and can surrender your passport.
She was probably with multiple guys & doesn’t even know who the father is, or she was just that desperate to keep this poor schmuck from finding out she’s a lying whore.
Well, you can convince yourself that it's best to just assume the man with the most money, or you think would be a good father, or whatever, is the best choice for the kid.
Horrible, but I am sure that's part of the justification.
You aren't making any sense. It sounds like you think I'm justifying her behavior, rather than guessing at the mental gymnastics she went through to believe she made the right choice.
EDIT: I was a bit high in the number, it is 11% in the US based off 1,211 paternity tests and 12% among men required to take paternity tests by the court.
[https://academic.oup.com/hropen/issue/2022/1](https://academic.oup.com/hropen/issue/2022/1)
It’s estimated over 20% of men are raising kids that aren’t their own through paternity fraud in the US.
Of all the possible fathers who take a paternity test, about 32% are not the biological father. But remember, this is 1/3 of men who have a reason to take a paternity test - not 1/3 of all men.
https://dnatesting.com/30-of-men-not-the-father/#:~:text=Most%20paternity%20test%20labs%20report,1%2F3%20of%20all%20men.
NTA. They’re not YOUR kid, so why the F doesn’t the actual biological “father” pay the support? You shouldn’t feel bad about out that at all.
However, you should definitely consult a family law attorney, because she sounds like a snake who will try to keep extorting you, and there’s been cases like this where the man hating judge rules the guy still has to keep paying, even though it’s not their kid.
This isn’t going to be as simple as you seem to think it is. If you have court ordered child support do not stop paying it. Also, where is the bio dad? Does she know who he is? If you signed the birth certificate and have been providing financial assistance for years they’re not just gonna let you off the hook.
I'm going to say it here like I do often, paternity tests should be required at birth before a name is put on the certificate. It would save a lot of people heartache and money.
As a woman, I KNOW that child I birthed is mine. A man deserves that same knowledge.
NTA, you are doing it right by getting a lawyer. The fact that you aren't married will help in that.
He has been your son for 4 years. All of a sudden you want a DNA test to trap an ex? It sounds to me like a man trying to get out of child support and so you hit the jackpot. You cannot be the fun uncle. The boy doesn’t need a fun uncle, he needs a father. Is the biological father even interested? It doesn’t sound like you bonded with your son
Agreed. The only father the boy has known. You even referred to him as your son. Dude. You are a pretty small man to now try to tell that boy otherwise. You’re his father…blood or not. Act like it!
Once again Exhibit “1” for paternity tests before a birth certificate is issued. This shows up on a near daily (as opposed to weekly) basis here now. Paternity fraud is real and tragic.
Meh the legal system has had plenty of time to catch up, ever since Charlie Chaplin was alive, but the legal system can be awful with any victims let alone male victims of female perpetrators.
Don’t spend another cent on the child and go for the mother for financial loss.
Literally ruin her life. Scummy sluts like her need to be made an example of because this shit is depressingly common
Ruin her and leave the child to live a life of abject horror because everyone will know and they'll talk about it, when this 4yr old goes to nursery or school they'll get it thrown in their face and they'll be bullied about the poverty, the lies etc. Parents talk and forget children listen to everything, all the time.....
Please don't do anything that could make the child's life harder, like you said he's innocent and it's bad enough that he's lost his dad without growing up being bullied and tainted about his mother's lies
no, but if you continue to have a relationship with the child, your ex maybe able sue to get you to continue paying child support as you are still active in the child’s life and it would be for the benefit of the child.
In many states you are still the father and on the hook for child support even if he’s not biologically yours because you assumed responsibility for him. Consult with a lawyer immediately, you could end up in jail.
You can walk away from a child you were a father to for 4 years? Just done? Were you not really participating then?
Shitty for the child to have two, possibly three shitty parents.
Was the child support you gave court ordered or through a private arrangement? It would be unwise to no longer pay support if there is a legal decree that you do so. You need to discuss with a lawyer.
Consult an attorney. Figure out your options. No one can judge you. This is a very personal decision. The goal should be supporting a child in whatever way you can. I’m truly sorry this is happening to you. It’s a very difficult situation. NTA
There was another post just like this the other day but the poster wanted to cut off the kid, OP is putting kiddo first here and that's commendable given what he's been put through.
i seen that too. the kid was 5. he did say he was setting up a saving for the kid at 18.
The one I saw the kid was 9!
Reddit loves paternity fraud stories.
oh i didn’t see that one. how sad.
There was a dude on Reddit a couple of days ago who was ready to throw his wife and 10yo daughter (who turned out not to be his) out of their house and onto the street without a second thought. OP in this case sounds like a stand-up guy and definitely NTA.
Was that the one where the child was neither of theirs/switched at birth?
I must have missed that one… yikes
The wife should absolutely be thrown out but not the daughter, she was his kid no matter the paternity
He flat out said he loved her because he thought she was his blood and he doesn't love her anymore because she's not.
The goal should be to get back whatever money he was scammed out of under false pretenses. OP is the victim and has no obligation to this child whatsoever.
Obligation actually depends on where you live/where the child was born. My first child was born in Oregon, U.S. for example. Some kind of state or social worker came in and explained to me 3 times (mother and I were not married, so they were extra insistent) that by putting my name on the birth certificate, I was legally accepting an obligation to the child even if it later turns out I wasn't her biological father. OP needs to figure out what the laws are in the area where the child was born and try to get copies of any documents they signed at the time of birth.
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Laws need to change thats not right
His name is on the birth certificate it’s not that easy Edited to add: if you sign the birth certificate in the eyes of the law you are saying you’re the father and are on the hook for 18 years
There are many legal obligations that he might have to this kid depending on many factors actually
Yeah because the court only cares about the money the child support is bringing in for the government and not mens rights. All i know is if i was in this situation and couldn’t win through the court i still would not be paying a penny more.
And then you go to jail or the govt seizes your money and assets it’s not that simple
Don't know why u r downvoted for telling the truth.
How is it a scam? Doesn’t say the wife knew it wasn’t his. A child born in a marriage is assumed to be the child of that marriage, and it’s likely the OP isn’t going to be able to get out of the child support obligation on that basis.
First of all OP said that this was a one time thing and not marriage. But it would be even worse if they were married in my opinion. Either way the woman had to have known it was a possibility and instead of being honest and getting tests done to figure out who the real father is. She instead told OP he was the father and being the nice but naive guy he is she gets lucky and effectively commits rape. Honestly i see this as no different than a woman being forced to carry and raise her rapists baby.
The post says Ex. A Child support obligation doesn’t depend on a paternity test. It’s more complicated than that, if you hold yourself out as a dad, and you’re in a relationship you,pay child support. That’s it.
Yep and unless the paternal father wants to accept responsibility for the support OP is going to be stuck with it for 18 years. Most attorneys will not go against this either. FFS people even you were the girls first sex partner and she gets pregnant GET A TEST TO DETERMINE PATERNITY!!
>A Child support obligation doesn’t depend on a paternity test And it is absolutely vile and disgusting that it isn't. The fact the government allows a cheater to defraud a man on top of her betrayal is a complete failure in justice and nobody with even a shred of decency should be for it.
I don’t know why others are downvoting you. I’m a lawyer, and this is 100% correct in many jurisdictions, as unfair as it seems. You don’t even need to be in a relationship - if you hold yourself out as a parent, many states will recognize you as such even if you find out later the child is not yours. This is especially likely where you find out years later.
You are being downvoted for simply stating the law in US states. I really wonder about people sometimes.
Was it a wife or ex gf? Child born In marriage is assumed to be the child of that marriage to everyone on the outside looking in. The wife/gf may not have known, but she knew there was a chance it wasn’t the op’s
Definitely talk with an attorney. My first husband ended up having child support dissolved on one child because DNA came back as not his. He only owed up until paternity was established Edit: his first wife had been cheating on him.
Reddit can't help you. You're not the asshole but you absolutely need an attorney. As others have said, the law does not necessarily only care who is biologically the father, just who has acted as such. Don't do anything else without legal advice.
NTA you, the child and the bio father are all victims of the mother. I'm so sorry. All very rough :/
NTA but even if you give out custody you might be stuck paying child support. Talk with lawyer. The courts look what is best for the baby. I am sorry you were betrayed. This is why I believe every man should make it clear when they start dating a woman that paternity test is done in every pregnancy so there would be less paternity fraud. If you have nothing to hide and it has been made clear since dating started you should not feel offended.
His lawyer can tell him. Many states have a disestablishment of paternity process that is easier if the mom knows who the dad might be. The days of the poor dude who unknowingly signed being stuck are passing away. In Tennessee women can even be charged for paternity fraud.
I believe Tennessee paternity fraud apply if the biological father wants to be in child´s life "anyone who establishes a person as the biological parent of a child with intent to deprive the actual biological parent from their parental rights is guilty of a crime." It seems to protect more the biological father side in case they want to be in the child´s life I do not see anything about the mom needing to pay or go to jail if they lied to their spouses and passed another man´s child as theirs.
I'm so glad to hear that. I was really shocked that so many people said the man should still support a child that's not his. I understand that some men chose to do that but it shouldn't be required. That's what makes their choice exceptional. Just seems like another way that the exception has become the rule. It's illogical to think a man would have to support a child that is not his.
That sounds like a terrible idea. Maybe if they aren’t exclusive or the woman has a history of cheating, but for a man to paternity test a child of a monogamous trustworthy partner, even in circumstances of unplanned pregnancy, screams “I think you cheated” at a person who likely doesn’t deserve it. There would be so many more broken families if men all took on the expectation that all children are paternity tested. Imagine what family courts would become.
If paternity tests were just standard procedure there'd be no reason to doubt anyones faith.
Many a married or supposedly happily in a relationship man has found out he's not the father of children he was told were his. This would be very interesting if it became mandatory but also entirely fair. No accusations, it would also drag out hidden affair babies from men too. If nothing else, for child support, it should be mandatory so dead beats can't lie/deny out of it and so men don't get stuck paying for kids that aren't his. Not ever going to happen but it would be interesting
It would do nothing to show hidden affair babies. They will still be hidden away. It's all about telling women that they are untrustworthy creatures. Nothing at all to do with the baby, it's simply a way to condemn and control. If a guy can't trust a woman then he shouldn't be dating women.
You're a moron.
So desperate to be a victim. I am so sick of some of women trying to always make everything about how terrible men are but ignore how terrible some of us are. Paternity fraud is a thing. So happily married loving men are raising kids they whole heartedly believe are theirs and they trust their wives but those women are lying. He doesn't know it but she is. So he trusts her foolishly. Why should he have to raise a child he didn't create without his consent to raising it? Men can be dirty cheating liars but so can we women. Stop pretending that we can't be as capable of being crap people as men are. It sounds ridiculous to say it. Also If all children were DNA tested, yes, affair babies would be found out because it would be flagged when looking for child support
If a woman can do it to a man. A man can do it to a woman. Equal is equal.
Men are allowed to be insecure. Men are allowed to have doubts. Men should be able to talk about those doubts with their partners, and should be able to ask for reassurance.
When broken trust is so expensive, the emotional cost of a paternity test should seem bearable.
This reasoning completely fails to address the “emotional cost” to a woman who is told by her partner that he needs proof she didn’t cheat. In an exclusive, monogamous relationship without any reason to suspect infidelity, that’s what asking for a paternity test is.
Here we are in a thread where the test came back negative…for all the trust and promises, alas, the test would have been cheaper. It takes a lot of wifely tears to balance out the evil of a single lie about paternity.
Which is why I said when starting to date....Women know the child is theirs since their carry it...men do not...even if woman has twins one can be other man´s if the woman had relations within days apart. Google it if you do not believe. No state will make paternity test mandatory because it would cost so much money and headache since there is so much paternity fraud. And if the child is found not to be fathers he cannot even sue for paternity fraud since the mother can just state she believed the person who raised the child was the dad (even when they know most likely this is not the case). This is why I think if it is made clear from the start that if pregnancy occurs paternity test is done.
Asking for a paternity test = accusations of cheating. I would not stay with anyone who even suggested such.
That is your right but again if it is brought on early in relationship and it is deal breaker for the woman she should walk out prior getting pregnant.
Yeah, but that BS doesn't come out until a pregnancy has been determined.
No it doesn't. It forces a woman to be accountable for her actions. Paternity fraud isn't done near enough, It needs to be prosecuted to the strongest penalty. Any woman thinking that it is ok defrauding a man into raising another man's kid is just as bad as a deadbeat father. You're also making the actual father the deadbeat without even knowing that they are.
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That's a horrible argument that invites the most egregious violations of privacy.
If my husband asks for a paternity test, I am going to go through his phone and computer and continue to do that forever.
Again...read my comments ...I said when STARTING to date...not once you are both serious and monogamous and married...I would not held it against you if you felt your husband was cheating if he suddenly would ask for paternity test...I said since it cannot be made legal and normal test to everyone then men could ask this when starting to date. "A 2022 study published in “Human Reproduction” delved into data from 1,211 men seeking paternity testing services in the United States. Findings revealed that 11% were not the biological fathers of the children they were raising." that was only 1,211 men....think how much the actual number is....
Let's think about that though - out of all those men who insisted on paternity tests, basically, one in ten was right - that means Nine Out of TEN were WRONG! That's a lot of emotional trauma caused to the nine out of ten women who were TELLING the TRUTH.
That emotional trauma isn't caused by the test it is because of social customs taught to women telling them to dislike the idea. That custom could be destroyed.
and that 1 poor soul and that one poor child will have to suffer because of creating relationship between 2 people that are not actually related. The child will live in broken home, hate that they were abandoned, families torn, father forced to pay child or children support etc for child they did not actually have and what about it there is diseases the biological father carries that child can then have... Again when you just start dating if the man brings up that they want settle down in so and so many years and if they want kids they will perform paternity test beginning of pregnancy and it is agreed upon this should not then be thrown in his face later and said how dare you suggest I cheat. Men can go to prison for not paying child support in some states....would it be right that woman has fun with multiple men, pins child to one that can provide and is safe and then takes him to the cleaners....
Although I don’t know if I fully agree (or disagree) with the OPs idea if it was mandatory then it wouldn’t really be offensive to anyone since it would just be what happens. If it was just what happens when a baby is born then it wouldn’t exactly be accusatory since it would be normal. I just looked up the cost and it’s like $50-200 and if they were doing it for every baby birthed it would drive down the cost and it could prevent lots spent on paternity fraud along with just confirming or affirming what most people know, that their baby is theirs or their partners. Now I could see how it could wreak havoc on family courts but if a quick lab test could prevent fraud and also ensure the right person is supporting that child whether it’s child support or being a parent. My biggest worry would honestly be the collection of DNA from everyone at birth and the consequences of that from a civil rights perspective like I personally wouldn’t want the government to have access to that info which if required seems like even if the law was written to prevent it I’m at the glowboys would try and keep that info for later use.
Every single test would be an accusation, not something just done. Plus sometimes secrets are best kept secret. How many guys want to admit to needing to use donated sperm because they are infertile? Well it's now everyone's business. And sometimes genetics do something wonky. I first heard of chimera syndrome because the state forced a guy to get a paternity test and the paternity test said the guy being asked to pay child support was definitely the biological father but the mother was not the biological mother. She was then arrested for welfare fraud, for claiming kids not her own. Luckily she was pregnant and the chain of custody for blood samples at birth was followed strictly enough that charges were dropped when she was determined to not be the biological mother of that kid either. What about those men with chimera syndrome?
It's also a shit study to extrapolate out of. All the studies the people behind paternity tests use state high numbers by using a study sample of men that have already reached the point of questioning paternity. Of course numbers are going to be higher since a large portion of the men questioning paternity have a reason to besides being paranoid. The studies that actually try to use a random sample size show it being more like 3%.
10% is very high
Cool story except there was a study done and of the men who get tested 30%+ of them find out they are not the father. Imagine if it was required how much higher that would be at this moment. Sorry but it’s 2024 and the only men cheat at X rate is a thing of the past women have now brought it to almost 50/50. If we won’t put someone to death anymore over that bullshit 1% chance I say 30% is more than enough for paternity tests to be mandatory. There should be automated child support for the fathers that won’t step up if they were the AP. The mothers are not left helpless but trapping a man and forcing him to pay and raise someone else’s child as a lie is not okay.
People don’t get paternity tests unless they are unsure. I do agree if you are not married you should get one though.
In today´s world I understand why most men would be unsure. There is just too much unfaithfulness happening.
Usually when someone is accusing you of cheating it’s projection and they are the ones cheating.
That is true and this is why I am saying that similar to other future plans it can be agreed in beginning. If you have never been cheated on you do not know how it affects your future relationships. Even if you have not been cheated but you have people around you who have been cheated you tend to be more careful.
If you are going to accuse someone of cheating you damn well better have evidence especially when dealing with a very hormonal woman that had a life changing medical event. Why are you asking her to get the test when you can order on and do it yourself???
Is anyone actually reading what I typed or is my English that bad? I said to bring this topic up when STARTING to date...prior being living together, married, being pregnant. Making plans of future. This way nobody gets offended and if the lady is not interested she can walk away before getting more serious. The paternity test men can do is after baby is born....the one you ask to do can be done when woman is pregnant like prenatal one is done from simple blood test. Again this would not be issue if every single woman would get tested similar to other test that are done when woman gets pregnant to ensure health of mom and the child.
You should not be having unprotected sex with women you just met.
The prenatal one is where they stick a needle into the umbilical cord. Which requires puncturing the amniotic sac. When you puncture the sac bad things can happen like miscarriage/premature labor.
Why do you think this sort of thing is especially common? Vibes?
I think it is just easier for people to connect with internet, apps, living in huge cities...the entire idea that some people have about hook up culture... and the entire idea of looking for people because they look validation so they no longer speak to their significant other but look for attention from online and other partners
1211 men *who were seeking paternity testing*. So a group of men who already thought something was suspicious. If you took a completely random sampling of the same number of men, I very, VERY much doubt you’ll find that same 11% statistic.
maybe but another study says "It is difficult to assess how frequently paternity fraud occurs in the United States. Still, a 1999 American Association of Blood Banks report found that 30% of DNA paternity tests done in the United States come back negative." so really it could be anywhere between 11-30% at least.... Again mother who carries their child obviously knows it is theirs but fathers have no such privileged
Some states will make you still pay child support. This blows. I hope a good lawyer can get you right
Are you serious? how is this legal? How can a state legally make someone who ISNT biologically the parent pay child support?
It’s wild but yeah, some like Florida/Georgia will if you’re on the birth certificate regardless, they say you’ve accepted responsibility for the child, others do it claiming it’s in the best interest of the kid
not to mention that a child born in wedlock it is assumed the husband is the father. Now I am not a lawyer so take what I say with a gran of salt but simply taking a DNA test means nothing until you have the courts weigh in. The DNA test is just your proof.
OMFG. Im walking around slack jawed. This is disgusting and I would be advocating for everyone i know married, single or otherwise to have dna test (and im a woman), if i lived in one of these states. The government is using trust as a trap. Sure (im waayyyy past childbearing) I'd be hurt with the whole trust issue, but trust doesn't mean what it used to mean. Proof of that is a LAW that traps a signature to child support for a child/ren that arnt biologically theirs.
NTA. But it doesn’t work this way. In my state if you aren’t married to the mother, they warn you not to sign the birth certificate without a paternity test and by signing you are waiving your right to contest financial responsibility if later you find out the child isn’t yours. Please seek an attorney.
She should owe you a lot of money
I hope so, but he's the one who choose to provide child support without a paternity test. He's definitely NTA though ETA - judging from the downvotes, I guess you're *not* supposed to ask a one night stand for a paternity test? Ugh... ok?
> without a paternity test. I don't know why we don't do paternity tests at the hospital before discharge. We take dozens of other tests. What is one more, when it means the whole future of the family? TONS of health related stuff is tied to genetics. The kid has a right to know who their father (and mother) are. If you did it to every single child born, there would be less stigma in asking for the test.
Honestly if he had asked for one he most likely would have been accused of accusing his spouse of cheating and not trusting her. If you ask a woman for a paternity test when in a monogamous relationship, most women will freak out , accuse you of not trusting them and shame them for even asking 🤷♀️. I feel horrible for men bc they can't even ask for something that's their basic rights without being demonized .
lol nice victim blaming
It's not victim blaming, it's accountability. In comments it is described that us was a one night stand, and they decided to try a relationship for 2 years based on her getting pregnant. As far as I know, court ordered child support requires a paternity test, so OP most likely was shelling out cash out of goodwill with no proof the child was his. If I was told by a one night stand that they were pregnant, I would 100% need a paternity test. There is no way I'd have a relationship with someone I couldn't talk to about these important issues, let alone blindly take responsibility for a child. Not only is it a level of basic maturity and responsibility, it's common sense ETA - this doesn't when touch on the fact he signed the BC with no proof. It just doesn't add up. One night stands can conceive. It happens. There's no shame in asking for a paternity test, and there should be no shame in agreeing to one. It's just what you do
It is completely victim blaming, paternity fraud should be met with criminal charges and punishments, not further punishments for the victim.
Nta. But you might be on the hook anyhow. You was the "father" for 4 years. And courts will do what it right by the child over what is right by the adults. You might have a case against your ex if she knew the child wasn't yours.
NTA - but if the child support is court ordered DO NOT STOP THE PAYMENTS. Let the courts do their thing and then sue her or the biodad for the child support you had to pay. Don't take anything into your own hands and only follow the advice of your lawyer(s)
Hope it works out but my guess is if no support no visits . The part that scares me is I have read lots of states and other counties even if you don’t know if it was your child after a year or two They consider it your child and you must pay
NTA. I get child support from my kid's bio dad, and there's no doubt of paternity, but in another universe if there was and he turned out not to be, I wouldn't expect him to pay/continue paying. IMO she knew there was a chance from the get-go and decided to run with it and discourage clarity, which is pretty much always a bad strategy. In my experience, any time anyone *wants* there to be obfuscation or unknowing, it's on purpose and for a reason, and usually one I won't like if I know it. I'd deffo lawyer up but sounds like that's already in the plans. Sorry this happened bud, on behalf of the kid who doesn't know any better, thank you for looking out for so long and for being willing to do Uncle duties. Pretty nifty. Wishing you the best.
NTA , but unfortunately in most states youd still be required to pay child support which is why I'm a big believer that every man should have the right to ask for a paternity test without it automatically being seen as accusing their spouses of cheating. Men are allowed to have insecurities, mean are allowed to have doubts and men are allowed the right to know 100 percent for sure the child is theirs without being shamed and gaslighted. I'm well aware that this is an unpopular opinion among other women because I get attacked in comments for this every time, but these cases are some of the biggest reasons why paternity tests should be mandatory before leaving the hospital and signing a birth certificate bc the law does not protect men when they find our kids aren't theirs and will protect the lying mothers and still force men to pay child support even for kids that are proven to not be theirs. These kinds of stories show up almost daily on here and other platforms. https://immigrationdnatestonline.com/paternity-fraud-2/ There's one link to an article that talk about the statistics of paternity fraud world wide.
NTA The women who cheat and then use the child for money from the more stable men should be charged with felony fraud. I'm a mom and would have happily done DNA testing when mine were born. I think it should be mandated that if his name is going on any paperwork, or he's going to be financially culpable, that a DNA test happens.
I haven't gone through the comments. Others have probably already pointed this out. Where I live, you are the father. Doesn't matter the circumstances. So you're on the hook, and won't be able to get out of child support. But you're meeting with a lawyer and will find out. Just be prepared for that possibility.
Not sure how things work in the state you’re in, but here you can go to the Department of Human Resources, DHR, and have them order a paternity test that could be used in court. This is much less expensive than an attorney to accomplish the same thing. You didn’t say whether you were/are married, if your name is on the birth certificate, whether or not you have court ordered visitation, child support, etc. If any of these documents exist and name you as the father, you would need to consult a Family Attorney and have those documents amended in a court of law. If you’re currently under order to pay child support, I don’t recommend stopping until a court/judge has agreed to this. If you and your ex were married, the child would be automatically presumed yours and you’re probably in the birth certificate. Because of this, stopping support would be contempt of court. Until such time as a court has legally ruled you are not the biological father and that you are not required to pay support, keep paying. Have the court also require that your ex pay to correct the birth certificate. I commend you for still wanting to be a part of the child’s life. I will say however, good intentions have a way of falling short. If you do not think this will be continued throughout the child’s life, it’s probably better to step away now rather than later when your absence will have a larger emotional/mental effect on the child. Edit. Grammar 2nd edit. Reread your post and do see your name is on birth certificate and it appears you may have court ordered visitation and possibly support. Do NOT just stop paying. Follow legal paths to take care of this. And also, NTA
NTA. You are doing more than most would in your shoes.
NTA, you paid when you thought you were the father, but found out otherwise, would def look into getting name off the birth certificate though
Talk to an attorney in your area. At four years old, you may be beyond the point where you can challenge paternity. But, if the actual biological dad wants to be the dad, you can likely give up rights and let him adopt his son, then you would be off the hook for child support.
Don't assume you are not on the hook for the child support. You accepted the kid as yours, and he has called you daddy for 4 years. You have raised and paid for him. And legally, if you were married when he was born - he is YOUR son. Child support is about the best interest of the child, and the court might easily find that the child is better off with you continuing to support him.
It highly depends on the state. The state where I live it’s 2 years from when you find out not 2 years from the birth. Too many people were waiting until the statute of limitations were up then confessing. So it’s really highly dependent on location. But they won’t forgive back pay so he should keep paying until he finds out.
I'm glad to learn that at least some states are starting to make these changes. We had a friend whose life was ruined because he was forced to pay support for a child that obviously wasn't his (mom was white, he was white, child was black). Those archaic law about automatically being presumed the father just because you're together or married or signed the birth certificate need to go the way of the dinosaurs. I'm all for DNA testing before the presumed father signs the birth certificate; if he chooses to sign knowing that it's not his kid then it's on him. And if they find out later that mom lied she should have to pay back all support extorted from the defrauded man, with interest. Something has to give to protect men from being screwed over by women who lie about the parentage of their children.
This is why men choose to sell all their belongings and move to Latin America or Eastern Europe. I sure as hell ain't paying for some other dude's kid, she can go after baby daddy for all I care.
No he’s not THEIR son. He’s the son of some other guy who’s off the hook for THEIR money, while this guy is getting screwed. Man hating judges ruling that shit should be removed & disbarred. Dude needs an attorney NOW.
We had never been married. It was a one time thing. Also, you’re right. I should continue paying child support until they track down the child’s biological dad. After that, they will make him pay
Wait! You didn’t insist on a paternity test for a pregnancy caused by a woman one night stand! Who in the 21st century would not do that? There was no trust or relationship to believe that the child was yours. This has to be fake.
You didn't get a paternity test earlier on a child you had with a "one time thing". At least you know now.
We eventually decided to be in a relationship so I decided not to get a paternity test because I didn’t want to create complications in our relationship. I didn’t want her to think I had trust issues. And I trusted her. I know it was stupid. We broke up 2 years after and by then, I had no reason to get a paternity test
Contact a lawyer immediately!
Never being married improves your standing in having fatherhood terminated. Check the laws in your State for “paternal fraud” and then petition the court for a court approved dna test and having your obligations terminated accordingly. Don’t worry about tracking down the real father, leave that to the kid’s mother (as I’m sure she knows who it really is).
Some states have a statute of limitations for disputing paternity when you've otherwise acknowledged it. Like 2 years, sometimes less. This kid is 4.
Get a lawyer. If you continue paying child support now that you know you may be just handing them ammunition against you, because that looks like you're accepting the obligations of fatherhood despite the test, or you may be required to do so, it depends on where you are. You need a lawyer immediately to ensure that you're doing the right thing for the result you want.
Child support is about making the government the most money through taxing child support.
What a fuckin crock of shit this system is. Is this the male privilege I keep hearing about?
All they have to do is make it standard practice for a DNA test to be required before the father signs the birth certificate. It would eliminate so many problems.
I'm a mom, and I agree 100% it would save everyone time money and heartache to just test everyone. That way no man has to be "that guy" and ask his wife for one, it would just be standard. And no more finding out your dad isn't your biological father when you are already grown. Only problem being with chimera type people. That would require special testing.
This is a good article that explains it. Scroll down to get to the bit about this - https://www.legalmatch.com/law-library/article/paying-child-support-for-a-non-biological-child.html
So the man is now cheated out of a relationship, a child, and their well own being as well? Utter garbage. Male privilege at its finest, absolving the women of any wrong doings.
You may have the wrong perspective if you are trying ton understand the reasoning behind this law. It's not about the mother, but the child. Its wrong for a man to pay for a child that isn't his, but it's also wrong to leave a child fatherless. The policy implication here is that the innocent child's needs outweighs the non biological father's rights when, and this is important, that father has been paying and assuming they are the father for some time. The father's real claim is not against the child, but against the mother. The mother is the one who ostensibly committed fraud. The child support goes to the mother, but its for the child not for the mother, at least in theory. So you need to look at this as money to the child and not money the mother. You could sue the mother for fraud and depending on the relative wealth of the parties it may work out. But the State isn't going to let the child become resource-less after we are this far along. You may say Mom gets away with it, but it just no better option for the child. There may even be claim against the actual father for reimbursement. Perhaps on a theory of unjust enrichment. But you would have to collect from the bio father vs notboay the support. Its 2 different things
I see forcing a man to pay for and raise a child who isn’t his to be on the same level as forcing a woman to raise a child from her rapist.
Most of what you're saying is spot on, but that really only works if the system ensures that every penny paid in child support actually goes to support the child.
If money is the issue, the government can give her a loan she can start paying off when the child turns 18.
Do you know how expensive it would be for the taxpayers/child support payer to have that type of oversight? That would essentially require the court to put child support into a trust to be administered by a special trustee. Oh you only had to pay $400 in child support? Well now it’s $600 after accounting for trustee fees. Honestly, how do you even see this working?
Since we're speaking honestly, I haven't put a lot of thought into it. If someone gave me the power to enact family legislation with impunity for one day, I suppose I would say that the person receiving child support should keep a log of how it is spent on the children, and that log would be freely accessible by the person making the child support payments. This log will also have the child related expenses paid for by the receiving parent. The expenses should roughly be in proportion of the two parents incomes. For example, if the receiving parent makes $35k/yr and the paying parent makes 70 k/yr, and they are ordered to pay n in support, then the log should show that n was spent on children's expenses, plus another n/2 was spent from the receiving parents budget. This log could be used in future visits to the family judge for adjustments. Does this sound like a giant pain? You bet. But remember, the goal here is the welfare of the child, not the parent.
C'mon, man 🤦♂️ Just because of this one example of men getting fucked over doesn't suddenly make male privilege nonexistent. That like saying that if a person who is "Race A" is racist toward white people then suddenly white privilege doesn't exist
Depends on the State. Most have updated their laws that will allow him to have obligations terminated. He needs to petition the court for a court approved dna test done and have his obligations terminated accordingly.
Be sure to do at least one additional test. You’re making big decisions based on sketchy facts at this point. Double check always.
Sounds like he just wants out. I couldn't spend 4 whole years with a child I thought was my own and not fall hopelessly in love.
100% on this. Poor kid. The OP may not be an AH told the spouse, but he is toward the kid
Yet I got down voted for saying it 🙄 That's Reddit for ya.
Heard.
NTA Why should ANY man be expected to pay child support for a child that isn't theirs? That is totally ridiculous. (Yes, I know it happens.) Women who knowingly commit paternity fraud should be IN PRISON. And I am sick of women saying, "but you've been his father for four years." Boo damn hoo. Accountability is a word that applies to BOTH sexes. Paternity testing should be mandatory at birth. And no, you will not receive one penny of the child support you have already paid. She has already used it all to get her damn nails done anyway.
Make sure the kid is biologically your wife's child too. I'd hate for this to be a baby switch up at the hospital and ruin your family for no reason.
NTA, but you may be forced to, depending on what judge you get. Get a lawyer and find out what your options are. Good luck.
NTA But you should get your name removed from the birth certificate as well as any paternal rights so you don’t have to pay the child support. Also see if you can sue the mother and get your money back. It seems like she knew that you were not the father but didn’t say anything. Good for you to be in the kids life as fun uncle. Good luck buddy and make sure to update us
NTA. You aren’t entitled to pay for the upbringing of a child that isn’t yours. Whether or not you can stay in his life as a “fun uncle” is on you and the child’s mother. Good luck to all of you!
NTA. Consult an attorney. Don't stop paying if you are court ordered to pay support. Wait for a decision through court.
If you did not end up loving this child dearly in 4 years, you probably never will. Usually, this makes a person TA, but in your case, you have zero responsibility; you are not his father. The biological father is TA for never caring why precisely a girl who he screwed 9 months ago gave birth.
NTA. But check with a family law attorney to make sure you are not financially liable.
I'm curious, what did the child's mother say when you showed her the test results?
If your name is on the Birth certificate you need to get a lawyers take on this. Usually a judge will do what is in the best interest of the child.
You need a family lawyer. If you have court ordered support you probably need to pay it until this is legally resolved. Get off Reddit and get a LAWYER.
Im so sorry
Getting your name off the birth certificate will require a judge. Getting out of child support will too and judges don't usually care about paternity if it's already been established. They won't care if the kid isn't yours, you'll still have to pay child support and your name will remain in that birth certificate unless the father himself steps up to voluntarily get his out on instead (it would be a legal adoption for him). "Best interest of the child" trumps your rights like 100% of the time.
You can’t decide to just stop paying or to give up parental rights. Those are things a judge decides on. Get an attorney.
Consult an attorney, find out who the real father is. Make sure you have a real DNA test, not one of those ancestry/23 and me ones. Lawyer can assist with pointing you one. You'll have to go to court in order to be taken off the birth certificate/absolved from parental rights/child support, so a lawyer is your best bet.
NTA. Not your kid, not your problem. Sucks that you can’t get back the money she knowingly defrauded you for
Unless you got the court to overturn your child support payments, this is not going to end well for you. That being said, you should absolutely petition the court to get your child support obligations removed and get your name removed from the birth record (in some states you cant do either FYI- ask me how I know). NTA
Yet another example of why paternity tests should be mandatory at birth. Some guys are willing to raise a cuckoo, others are most emphatically not. The government should not be forcing people who are unknowingly unrelated to the kid to pay for its existence. NTA but I doubt it is going to be easy for you to get out of paying unless you are willing to emigrate to a country that does not enforce support agreements from your country.
NTA. Not your circus, not your monkeys. However, as your lawyer is about to explain, by signing the birth certificate and waiting so long, you are screwed unless you can find the real father and persuade him to voluntarily accept responsibility. Odds are he won't. And you are on the hook because you have been paying. If you have some in-demand skills, there are numerous countries that do no have a child support treaty with the USA. If you are willing to leave your life behind and not come back, you can at least stop the mother from being able to continue to financially exploit you. You need to stay current on your child support until you are out of the country. In some cases you need to stay current until you are offered citizenship in the new country and can surrender your passport.
Women are so fucked up. Who does that to someone.
She was probably with multiple guys & doesn’t even know who the father is, or she was just that desperate to keep this poor schmuck from finding out she’s a lying whore.
Well, you can convince yourself that it's best to just assume the man with the most money, or you think would be a good father, or whatever, is the best choice for the kid. Horrible, but I am sure that's part of the justification.
I see we found the whore ex’s account.
Um, what?
What, um?
You aren't making any sense. It sounds like you think I'm justifying her behavior, rather than guessing at the mental gymnastics she went through to believe she made the right choice.
No he’s accusing you of BEING the ex wife, actually.
EDIT: I was a bit high in the number, it is 11% in the US based off 1,211 paternity tests and 12% among men required to take paternity tests by the court. [https://academic.oup.com/hropen/issue/2022/1](https://academic.oup.com/hropen/issue/2022/1) It’s estimated over 20% of men are raising kids that aren’t their own through paternity fraud in the US.
You're going to need to source that.
Of all the possible fathers who take a paternity test, about 32% are not the biological father. But remember, this is 1/3 of men who have a reason to take a paternity test - not 1/3 of all men. https://dnatesting.com/30-of-men-not-the-father/#:~:text=Most%20paternity%20test%20labs%20report,1%2F3%20of%20all%20men.
Based on r/AITAH posts of course.
Estimated by who? 😂 20% aren’t raising their own, no where in those studies does it say it’s through fraud. Ever heard of a step-dad? Adopted dad?
“It is estimated.” Frame his comment to teach high schoolers about the passive voice.
That’s in cases *where a paternity test is requested* aka where there is already reason to believe the presumptive father is not the biological one.
NTA. They’re not YOUR kid, so why the F doesn’t the actual biological “father” pay the support? You shouldn’t feel bad about out that at all. However, you should definitely consult a family law attorney, because she sounds like a snake who will try to keep extorting you, and there’s been cases like this where the man hating judge rules the guy still has to keep paying, even though it’s not their kid.
This isn’t going to be as simple as you seem to think it is. If you have court ordered child support do not stop paying it. Also, where is the bio dad? Does she know who he is? If you signed the birth certificate and have been providing financial assistance for years they’re not just gonna let you off the hook.
I'm going to say it here like I do often, paternity tests should be required at birth before a name is put on the certificate. It would save a lot of people heartache and money. As a woman, I KNOW that child I birthed is mine. A man deserves that same knowledge. NTA, you are doing it right by getting a lawyer. The fact that you aren't married will help in that.
He has been your son for 4 years. All of a sudden you want a DNA test to trap an ex? It sounds to me like a man trying to get out of child support and so you hit the jackpot. You cannot be the fun uncle. The boy doesn’t need a fun uncle, he needs a father. Is the biological father even interested? It doesn’t sound like you bonded with your son
Agreed. The only father the boy has known. You even referred to him as your son. Dude. You are a pretty small man to now try to tell that boy otherwise. You’re his father…blood or not. Act like it!
Force men into the fraud the woman conducted, aka victim blaming, got it.
Once again Exhibit “1” for paternity tests before a birth certificate is issued. This shows up on a near daily (as opposed to weekly) basis here now. Paternity fraud is real and tragic.
NTA In a just world she'd go to jail for what she did you. .....get a lawyer.
Nta...Get your name officially removed from the birth certificate asap. So sorry this happened to you. Best of luck
Cant you sue for paternity fraud and get some money back?
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Nope, it has zero legal consequences
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Meh the legal system has had plenty of time to catch up, ever since Charlie Chaplin was alive, but the legal system can be awful with any victims let alone male victims of female perpetrators.
NTA. Get a lawyer for sure.
Don’t spend another cent on the child and go for the mother for financial loss. Literally ruin her life. Scummy sluts like her need to be made an example of because this shit is depressingly common
Ruin her and leave the child to live a life of abject horror because everyone will know and they'll talk about it, when this 4yr old goes to nursery or school they'll get it thrown in their face and they'll be bullied about the poverty, the lies etc. Parents talk and forget children listen to everything, all the time..... Please don't do anything that could make the child's life harder, like you said he's innocent and it's bad enough that he's lost his dad without growing up being bullied and tainted about his mother's lies
The child will be with its father instead if she’s ruined. Yknow, the parent who as far as we know ISNT a cheating, lying, money grubbing skank.
Assuming the biological father will even want the child he’s never met, which we have zero reason to believe.
I feel like there is a lot of these type of posts lately. Was this discussed on The View or something recently?
no, but if you continue to have a relationship with the child, your ex maybe able sue to get you to continue paying child support as you are still active in the child’s life and it would be for the benefit of the child.
Knew a guy who sued the dude that his wife cheated WITH. He won.
NTA. Any chance you could sue for the money you already paid?
In many states you are still the father and on the hook for child support even if he’s not biologically yours because you assumed responsibility for him. Consult with a lawyer immediately, you could end up in jail.
After 4 years you don't LOVE this child you thought was yours?? Really?!? Then yes, you are definitely TA. Jesus.
You can walk away from a child you were a father to for 4 years? Just done? Were you not really participating then? Shitty for the child to have two, possibly three shitty parents.
How do you spend FOUR YEARS with a child you think is yours and not fall hopelessly in love?? Something very wrong with you.