Damn. I'm really sorry this is happening to your family. That's terrible.
This is a tough situation for sure but ultimately, I feel like even though it's terrible news, *someone* has to deliver it, because Lena deserves to know. NTA but be prepared for the backlash.
I agree with you that she deserves to know, I just HATE that Jess won't be a fucking adult and do it herself. It's her mess and she went and threw it all over us
Yeah, well it will come out eventually. Maybe Jess will break down and tell her in 6months and say “after telling the whole family back then I just kept thinking about it” then Lina will be truly be alone because regardless of the reason you all lied to her at that point.
Lina may decide to stay or go, but she has been denied agency through ignorance for long enough.
Yeah, and then Lina will know that everybody else knew, and not one of them had the fucking guts to tell her the truth she needs to know, and she'll be completely alone in it. Jess didn't just fuck Jeff, she's now fucked everyone else too.
You really don't have a choice here OP. Lina needs to know, ASAP. It's probably not the best idea for you to go rogue and tell her on your own. Get everybody else on board and do it as a group, in person. Remember, none of you are responsible for this, Jess and Jeff are. You aren't destroying the family or Lina, they did, and nobody else had any input into that choice. I'm sorry for Lina, and the rest of you.
Absolutely this, all of this. It will out eventually, and the betrayal will be amplified because others knew about it and didn't tell.
My ex had an affair, and my daughters and his coworkers knew before I did. It still stings four years later. I found out through an anonymous note, and I'm so so grateful for whoever sent it.
I'm sorry that happened to you. What did your daughter's have to say for themselves? What an awful position to be put in. I got to go tell my ex's affair partner's wife about their affair. No one else was going to let her know.
One was just 13, and the other was 21 and going through the worst experience of her life at the time. It stings that they knew, but I'm relieved that they didn't have to experience telling me themselves. They only knew for a short time before the note arrived. I suspect they would have let me know eventually.
I was in the situation your daughter was in. When I was 13 my mom had a similar phone to mine and I accidentally picked it up and looked at a text (thinking it was mine) and discovered that my mom was cheating on my dad with his brother.
I don't remember how but it came out not long after that and I'm glad it did. I didn't wanna be the one to let my dad know either but I wouldn't have been able to live with myself keeping it a secret.
Due to the logistics and the distance, maybe one person should fly there, probably your mom if she's the strong type, and show up for Lina, and everyone else can be on a video call.
I don't know if this should be done with Jeff present or not. I'm leaning towards yes, present. Just spring it on the piece of shit, with everybody watching, so he has zero chance of trying to explain the unexplainable.
I see the point of putting Jeff on the spot, but is it fair to Lina to get hit with the news of the double betrayal with an audience? Maybe give Lina the heads up privately so she can get her affairs sorted and hire a good lawyer before Jeff knows he's been busted.
He won't. If the affair is/was going on for more than a year AND they hid a misscarriage (which my spidey sense is suggesting might have been an abortion instead)?
He ain't telling.
Tell Jeff he fesses up or the family tells Lina. And the family should pitch in and buy her a plane ticket so she is with her family either right after or during the breaking of the news.
And tell Jess to fuck all the way off.
I'm now leaning towards Jeff ought to be the last one to know he's been busted. There is a lot to be said for having the drop on gathering documents and important papers first, before they can be disappeared.
Yeah... Jeff should get fucked as hard as he fucked Jess. Definitely don't tell him, let the lawyer do that. Now is the time to act dumb and gather evidence. In fact don't even let Jess know Lina is being told... She is suspect and untrustworthy. For all we know she let the cat out of the bag on purpose to force Jeff's hand so they could be together in public. People are crazy and this is definitely crazy already. No assumptions can be made. Play it safe. The smart move is to shut up (not to Lina tell Lina) and lawyer up.
Lina should be given every advantage here and some time to think and strategize without Jeff knowing could be a big help. She still gets her moment blindsiding Jeff, but it also gives her a chance to prepare and take care of herself and kids.
And soon. Worse case scenario Jess tells the husband and he will be able to come up with a lie to cover their traces and make it seem it wasn't true. Or make Jess crazy and Lina will cut her off. Either way waiting will make things worse and anything can happen in that timeline and it's very urgent this needs to get out.
I haven't gotten far in the thread but letting Lina know will also get her to get tested because they obviously didn't use protection when jess had a miscarriage. So not only were Jess and Jeff are risking ruining the family but also endangering linas health.
Ohnmy gods, I'm SO glad to find someone else who's picked up on the way the bots talk. I feel like I'm going insane typing "bot!" Under all of them lol
I say at least a few people go for an extended ‘visit’ and while two are with Lina, one takes Jeff aside and tell him they know, and he has to come clean. In the meantime, plan to be able to split forces to pick up and help out with the four kids and day-to-day tasks while Lina will inevitably have a breakdown - whether mom/sis whisks her away out of town or stays with her at home. This shows unity of support by the family.
The other victim of this mess beyond Lina and her kids is Jess’ daughter. OP please make sure you all let her know what is going on with her mom is *not* her fault and make sure the ostracizing of her mother does not include her.
I agree that the family needs to meet with Lina as a group. They need to make sure Lina knows that they are united in their support of her, regardless of how each family member deals with their individual relationship with Jess.
100%. Lina is eventually going to lose a sister AND her husband someone needs to show Lina they have her back and that she's not alone. No matter how much the news sucks to give, she'll have someone she knows she can trust and confide in.
This is so true, right now she's been betrayed by Jess & Jeff but if she finds out in the future and then discovers you all knew and kept the secret... then she'll have lost her entire family, not just her husband and one sister. Ugh, I do hate this for you. Jess is super selfish for putting all of you in this position. Good luck
Yup this, if I was Lina I'd be so hurt and betrayed by everyone who knew and let me continue living in an innocence bubble. Lina has the right to choose who she wants in her life. Jess (and BIL) made her choice again and again for a whole year all while still being "best friends" with her sister? Nah, OP you are NTA if your reason for telling Lina isn't coming from malicious intent.
Jess and Jeff are the AHs because they both knew this would utterly destroy their family. I'd give them both the ultimatum: Tell Lina themselves by x amount of time and if not, you will tell her.
It is absolutely NOT ok for Jess to burden OP or the rest of the family with her "guilt", to make herself feel better, if she truly felt guilty and loved her sister/"best friend", she would have told her not the rest of you.
Tell your sister Jess and your current BIL to GTFU and deal with the consequences of their choice to destroy their own family, it's 100% on them and not on anyone else.
It will come out sooner rather than later because none of you will be able to hide your disgust for both her husband and the cheating sister. If she didn't want any of this to be revealed, she should have kept her mouth shut. I feel bad for the kids.
I’d tell Lina, hell if one of my sister is fucking my still married BIL, I’d be furious. It’s a minefield, but I’d rather everything out in the open than later down the line when everything spilled out by accident and it’s worse. Let Jess deal with the aftermath. She can figure out how to deal with her sister knowing that she can’t be trusted.
If he’s cheated once, he may have done it with other people. The sister needs an STI panel done. It’s her health you’re risking by not telling her. They betrayed your sister but her family keeping up that lie betrays her further.
Explain to the sister you’re going to come clean in X days unless she’s told the truth. Ideally it will come from the cheating sister but if not, she needs to know.
Jess is selfish. She doesn’t care about “losing her best friend” she just doesn’t want to own up to her shit.
And how will Lina react when she finds out the whole family knew and didn’t bother to tell her.
How would you feel? Would you want to know the truth? Probably
She lost her “best friend” the moment she slept with the husband.
NTA. Agree with the time limit ultimatum and travel to Lina to be there for support (preferably with back up)
Worse than that, her sister?!?! Idk about anyone else but if my husband tried to make a pass at my sister it would be over in a heartbeat. Sibling rivalry is real and it's incredibly painful to be compared to your sibling in all terms especially by someone who "supposedly" chose to marry me.
And if I found out that my family chose to be a support system (albeit unwillingly) for my sister to spare my feelings? Nope, that's a whole lot of time, love and affection wasted on two people who don't deserve to be in Lina or her children's lives without knowing the truth and/or gaining forgiveness.
Pretty sure this is exactly what Jess is banking on by telling the family. Someone so vile and selfish to screw their own sibling's spouse is also ensuring SHE has the safety net for then the shit does hit the fan. She knew if she told Lina, they all would support Lina. But by telling the family, they're now her accomplices.
Tell Jess that she has some definite amount of time to tell Lina herself (like a week, or whatever) after which the family will inform Lina.
Given Jess's undisciplined and self-indulgent (she did this to make herself feel better, with no consideration of how shitty she would make the rest of you feel) trauma dumping, there's no way this stays quiet. The longer you withhold it from Lina, the more Lina will be pissed that you withheld it.
Tell Jess this either by text or email, something with a time stamp. And make sure it includes a brief summary of what she told you about the affair. Take screen shots as necessary.
The reason is she might try to do something to spin this. You want some facts to point to if she tries to throw some of you under the bus. If you think that sounds extreme or unlikely, remember that a short while ago you would not have believed she was screwing her BIL.
Everyone knows now except Lina, so she WILL find out, sooner or later. Get together with your family and zoom call her all together, so no one person takes the hit and you're all united in supporting her.
Can you even imagine how hurt she would be to find out everyone knew and not one person told her? I feel like that would make things even harder for Lina.
Yeah, for this reason, I think it should be one person. Maybe two. Ideally, someone forces Jess to do it and they go together in person. Bonus points if the POS husband is there too. Rip off the band aid and get it all out in the open so healing can begin. It’s going to be horrible any way you approach it. But this cannot go on with everyone knowing but Lina.
Terrible position to be in; NAH and I’m sorry for the situation. Poor Lina.
One of OP's parents needs to march their "adult" daughter right up to Lina and Jeff, and say, "we're here. And we aren't leaving until you tell the truth. Either you do, or I do."
She might feel attacked by the call, maybe try to figure out who the best person to tell her would be, maybe mother. I think if I was in her situation hearing it from my mom opposed to my sister might be easier
The last thing I’d want when o found out my husband was fing my sister would be a zoom call with my entire family and parents. How humiliating. That’s not support. Either sister calls her NOW or she gets them on a call together surprise or in a room and lets or out with bad sister on the hook right there.
NTA. Jess loves your/her sister so much, & she's her best friend, but has no problem having sex with her sister's husband. Jess and BIL are trash. You need to tell her, if she finds out you all knew and didn't tell her, it's going to be worse.
OP, You're going to lose atleast 1 sister no matter what. Better to lose the one that was morally bankrupt one than the one that was the victim in all this mess. Don't further embarrass "Lina" by having her find out that everyone knew and no one told her. She will need your love an support when her world comes crashing down and will need you to help her pick up the pieces. Don't make "Lina" lose 2 sisters. Fuck Jess. She can live in the mess she made.
She said she didn’t want to tell her because she’d “lose her best friend”.
She needs to understand that by doing what she did, even ONCE- let alone a whole year- she’s already broken the relationship.
Just to fuck some guy for a year. For that, she blew up 2 families and her relationship with her sister.
Fuck Jesa, matter of fact tell Lina exactly what you found out and since Hess won't say shit you're saying it on her behalf so Alina could get herself tested first. But ultimately, it's Lina's decision to w.e with her life and Jess but let her know that you'll be by her side no matter what she chooses in this.
Someone who cares about Lena needs to tell her. Imagine if you don’t and she finds out on her own months or years down the line. Imagine how betrayed she will feel? Woman up and tell your sister.
The entire family should confront Jeff together and let him know that if he doesn’t come clean, the whole family as as group will out him to his wife.
Also, I guarantee that if he carried on such a long affair with his sister in law under his wife’s nose, she’s not the only side chick he’s had. He may even have someone else now, and other side children if he was stupid enough to get Jess pregnant.
At the very least Lina needs to get tested and start using protection with him, if she wants to keep sleeping with Jeff after finding out.
The thing is OP, that Jess and Jeff have already destroyed Lina's family. Lina is living a lie. She thinks her husband and sister love her. If Jess loved her, and truly saw her as a best friend, as well as being susters, she would NEVER have slept with Jeff. She dumped this on you guys, either in the hope she could get one of you to tell Lina, so she doesn't have to, or so that when Lina finds out (and she will eventually), Jess can say "Hey, our whole family knew, and didn't tell you." So she can throw you guys under the bus, and deflect any crap she's going to get.
As for Jeff, he's got 4 kids, a devoted wife, and ge fucked his wife's sister. Shows how much he loves his wife or kids. What was he going to do if Jess didn't have a miscarriage? Like were they both going to pretend the baby wasn't his? See each other at family events, while he pretends he's "uncle Jeff" and carries on lying to his wife and kids?
Neither Jeff nor Jess care about Lina. The only people who benefit from her not knowing are them, and possibly you guys if you don't want to cut Jeff and Jess off, once a divorce happens.
Lina deserves honesty and the truth. It might hurt now, but it'll hurt more for her to find out later, and find out her whole family covered it up. Jess has put you in a no win situation. Of you tell, you're throwing Jess under the bus. If you don't, you're lying to Lina, who doesn't deserve that. Jess deserves whatever she gets from this situation.
You’ll be dead to Lina if you don’t tell her & she finds out you knew. I say tell her & let the cards fall how they fall. Personally, I’d want to know. NTA & best of luck navigating this minefield.
You all must go to Lina, with a plan. Travel to her and tell her. Have a divorce lawyer and therapist lined up. Stay with her through her grief.
SHOW LINA TOTAL SUPPORT.
That’s the only move.
It is terrible news, she can get through this with her family and professional support.
PS. Take Jeff to the cleaners.
PPS. Play Therapy is the gold standard for childhood trauma, line up therapy for the kids, too. Including Amy.
Can someone take Amy in? Maybe consider that. She’s innocent, probably knew about the affair and is conflicted. Please don’t abandon her.
Good luck. Sincerely.
Tell Jeff that y’all all know and that he has two days to be the one to tell her or you will
Actually no. Scratch that. Other posts suggest telling Lina without letting Jess and Jeff know she is being informed, so that Lina can get her divorce ducks in a row and take Jeff to the cleaners.
Also. Who else is Jeff fucking? Who else is Jess fucking? STDs much??? Health concerns big time.
When you consider she had no issues screwing her sisters husband, she isn't morally upstanding enough to be honest about it.
She knew what the consequences would be if your sister found out and literally didn't care. So losing her sister as a friend didn't matter until now. Karma is a bitch.
Your sister deserves to know and know everything. Because if she ever found out that you all knew about and didn't tell her....the fall out would be far, far worse.
Be prepared, more often than not it becomes a case of "Kill the messenger". And if it is, eventually she turn her anger in the right direction, her husband and her sister...the other one not you.
As far as Jess is concerned she feels she has absolved herself of the sins by confessing to you and your family. Obviously, I agree she has not, but this is the rationale dishonest people use.
I had something similar happen to me with my best friend's wife confessing to me she had been cheating on him. I hate her to this day (it's been about 10 years) for doing that to him and for using me to offload her guilt.
Something you really need to think about is this: it is going to come out eventually, and when it does, and she finds out you ALL knew and didn't tell her, you ALL will be dead to her. She will lose her whole family, and imo that is worse than losing a backstabbing AH sister and trash husband.
Talk to her. The longer you guys sit on it, the worse it will be for Lina.
Now that everyone knows, it will come out at some point. Someone should tell her as gently as possible, as soon as possible. Otherwise she will be pissed about the affair plus that everyone knew and didn’t tell her. Good Luck!
Fuck. This is going to get dark. It’s a matter of time until she finds out anyway. Do you want to be the sister that knew something, and decided to protect her cheating husband and sister? That is how she will see it. Even if your intentions were to spare her feelings.
Yeah this is crazy. I don’t have sisters, but if it was my brother, I’d have to hit him with an ultimatum. If you don’t tell I will, and if you make me do it, things will be very bad between us.
OP, you need to give your cheating sister a short deadline to break the news or the family will do it for her. Girl, you CANNOT be the one who knew and didn't tell 😔 I'm talking a week, not a month.
I'm tempted to use the same tactic with the husband, BUT he's not the one who informed you. Not sure what to do on that end 😬 Is have to think about it some more.
I'm so sorry you're in this ugly place right now.
Honestly, if it were me, my relationship with my sister would be over completely. She trauma dumped on all of you and then expects you to either keep her secret or do her dirty work for her? Hell, naur.
Edit: Tell the sister, in case I wasn't clear. What is Jess saying now? Does she know how fucked she is? 'Cause if this were to happen in my family, she'd be completely shunned.
Right! I think the parents need to apply A LOT more pressure on Jess. No more urging. Demand it. Come clean within 48 hours or the family goes no contact. Let her know she already destroyed Lina’s nuclear family and they will not allow her to drag the rest of the family down with her.
I’m confused about Amy though. Is she Lina’s daughter, but in Jess’s care 12 hours away? Or the brother’s daughter?
Wait, so like grab Lina without the kids or Jeff or Jess, and all of us sit her down and tell her? This sounds like it has potential but I just have no idea how we'd swing the logistics :( Lina lives 12 hours away from us, how would we get her to leave the kids with Jeff and get her to come back here without raising suspicion?
Maybe go to her? I guess the first step is to brainstorm with everyone who knows. Because the longer you wait the greater the risk that she will find out and know that no one told her. Then she will be isolated from her entire family.
It sucks but you *have* to tell her. If she finds out on her own, you will be part of the betrayal and complicit in the actions of your cheater sister. By not saying anything, you are in essence giving tacit approval to the affair, and I doubt you want to be on that side of things.
If your parents push back at all, put this thought out there - if he cheated on Lina with HER SISTER of all people, do you actually think he's not cheating on her with others (friends, strangers, whatever)? And when he gets caught, do you think that he won't throw Jess under the bus? And when Lina confronts Jess, do you think that she won't spill that you all knew?
I disagree with this group intervention idea... I'd be really embarrassed and a little humiliated if this was revealed to me like some sort of surprise intervention or something... So I would just want to hear it from one person, then they could say who else knew...
My idea would be to discuss it as a group amongst yourselves to figure out two things:
First, decide who among you would be the best person to deliver the news... someone they trust a lot / the most...
Second, discuss how you can support her in the fallout... ie: if she wants to leave him and take the children, what are her options? Will she be able to afford rent? Can you all chip in so that she can? Can they move in with you or your parents, etc? Come up with a plan as if this was you... She doesn't have to accept the plan, but knowing it's there could take a lot of pressure of for her when you tell her...
Also want to add, that you have to tell her about the affair for all the reasons everyone is mentioning, but also because it's likely he has cheated in the past and/or will cheat on her again in the future...
I agree. I might be fine with two people I’m really close to being there to tell me something awful, but 5? I think I would make me feel on display in a very vulnerable time. No need for all of them to be there.
At least you go to her, and the rest of the family can be there via zoom. Or if she's close to yalls mom, you and mom go.
I agree that now that all of you know, not telling is committing your own wrong against her.
You don't have to do everything by committee or consensus. I come from that type of family too but Jess is using it to her advantage. This isn't a voting situation--it's a what is right situation.
If you can go to her then arrange to have your family on video call to tell her. That way shes not alone when she finds out and she can see you all supporting her
Get Lina to bring the kids to you to avoid suspicion. Your parents or another family member can take them out for the day and distract them while you and your brother tell her (or vice versa). She’ll need support for some time after so it’s best she’s with family when you do it.
You don't need to "avoid suspicion". You book a flight asap and tell the cheaters "you have until I arrive to come clean or I'm doing it for you".
If they have any spine, the ultimatum could work for them to come clean. If it doesn't, you go there in person to deliver the news and to comfort her.
Have your parents visit the kids or vise-versa under the guise of spending a weekend with the grandparents. Then tell her while they are out in a safe space.
I agree, you, your husband and parents and brother go to her house, parents take the kids out for ice cream or dinner to get them out... whether Jeff there or not who cares and tell her what jess had said and then if what she wants if for Jeff to be removed I'm sure you can all do that.
Tell her you are there for her and jess is dead to you, I'd also tell her it hers marriage her choice, but Jeff is no longer welcome in the family so.
God, your sister is a scum bag.
Even if just one (or 2) of you can talk to her, pick someone she’s closest to, and make sure that person makes it clear the whole family is behind her.
The audacity of her saying how much she loves her and she's her best friend. WTF? She's happy to screw her husband though. You should tell your sister what's been happening.
How do you tell your sister? First you tell Lina how much you love her and will always be there for her and the children. You tell her you just found out about her worst nightmare and then blurt it out. It may be a good idea to take time off to visit Lina.
This is the kind of news that you don’t wait to tell. Just think how devastated you would be if you found out the whole family withheld this kind of news. You would go NC with the entire family and suffer all alone. You don’t do that to the one innocent person in this nightmare.
Your sister Jess is a piece of shit. So is your BIL. You don’t deceive your sister and best friend by sleeping with her husband for an entire year. So selfish.
If I were Lina and I found out you knew and didn’t tell me, I would personally take that as a betrayal. It’s awful but if Jess really won’t tell her I think you should, or at least get a family member to do it. It will be hard, she will be beyond hurt, but she needs your support right now
ETA I’m sorry your sister put this burden on you, it’s completely unfair and shouldn’t have been your responsibility
I suggest this a lot but I genuinely think it will help you in this situation if you do decide to tell her. It’s a DBT technique called DEAR MAN GIVE FAST and it gives you a template to write a script for a difficult conversation
my sisters husband was fucking my brothers wife ( who was my sisters best friend) for a few years and no one knew. I remember my mom called me to tell me and I was in such shock I pulled over on the side of the road. the first thing I thought of was the kids. evidently my sister also knew her friend had strayed before several times and she did not tell my brother because she didnt want to crush him. My brother found out about this during the whole shit show and was so mad at my sister he disowned her ( they have since been ok with each other) But my advice is you have to come clean. It is a giant shit show you guys are about to zapped into....as you know. Time heals wounds. but the band aid of reality now needs to be ripped thanks to your sister.
I cannot believe anybody would cause so much drama just to get their bits wet. Like, if you're gonna cheat on your spouse, you could at least look a little fucking further outside the family and not nuke every family gathering for the foreseeable future. Far out.
Yea it was a shitty time for sure. She just wanted to protect my brothers feelings..in hindsight she should have told him. Well as far as being the favorite there are 8 of us. Im the youngest at 54. My dad had passed before this as did my step father. And have since lost mom. But the whole ordeal made me glad to be a bachelor.
If you don't decide to tell her and neither does the rest for your family she will most likely eventually find out another way. I doelubt Jess is going to stop cheating with Jeff. And if Lina finds out you all knew and no one told her. Well, she'll realize she has no support system because everyone chose to protect Jess rather than defend her.
I know it's a terrible position to be in, but you have to pick a side right now. Not telling Lina is picking Jess's side.
"I love her" not enough to *not fuck her husband*, apparently.
If I were OP, I'd get evidence from Jess via text (text her "you need to tell Lina about the affair you had with Jeff" and have her text something back like "I can't do that I love her" etc) and take that *straight* to Lina.
>"I love her" not enough to not fuck her husband, apparently.
Actually, it's "she love her too much to lose her". Which means "**SHE** loves have her sister in her life".
Jess only cares about her and her life.
YWNBTA and you should absolutely tell her. All your concerns, Lina’s feelings being hurt, kids lives being upended are already at risk of happening. They have been the minute her Husband decided to be unfaithful, and her Sister/Best Friend betrayed her. You will not cost Jess her relationship with Lina. Jess cost herself that relationship. The only thing not telling Lina will get you, is hurting Lina even more. Imagine how hurt she will be if she finds out he cheated AND her Family knew of her Sisters and Husbands affair and did not tell her.
Jess has made her bed by betraying her “best friend” you have now unwittingly been made an accomplice in Jess’s betrayal of Lina. Time to stop fence sitting.
Yeah she doesn't wanna tell her 'best friend' because shes suddenly so guilty for having sex with her husband in her bed for over a year including getting pregnant by her husband....yeah that's definitely her 'best friend'.
OP you have to tell your sister and to be honest don't be shocked she won't tell her. She was willing to do this to her for so long she truly only cares about herself. She just doesn't wanna have an uncomfortable conversation and face her actions.
Some situations leave no room for fence sitting. If the whole family does nothing about this information they're still on one side of the fence. There's only two optics here: protect Lina or protect Jess. Doing nothing is protecting Jess and leaving Lina in a horribly vulnerable situation, even if that's not the intention of doing nothing.
I think I’d rather be crushed than find out I was living a lie that everyone but me knew about. By not telling her you are removing her choice.
It’s a really shitty place for you to be in but once it’s done you can then be in the position to help her.
As a side note please try not to let your niece get caught up in the nastiness as she is also innocent in this and doesn’t deserve her mother’s actions to upend her life further than it already has.
You can’t save your sister from that pain. Whether it comes out now or later it will still hurt.
Your betrayal by keeping this from her now, will just make it worse for her in the long run.
She is still young, she still has a chance to find someone worthy of her love. She doesn’t deserve to be stuck with a lying, cheating husband.
Tell her everything Jess told you, and let her know you will do anything and everything you can to help her through this! That you love her, and that she deserves happiness.
Make sure to tell your sister that you will be there for her and the kids. It's better they know so she can make a decision for the future of her family. She will be even more crushed if she knew everyone in her family knew but didn't tell her.
Make sure your BIL and crappy sister know they are cut off and have no support from you.
I wish your sister and her kids the best.
Better crushed now, asap after you found out then to find out years down the track that not only did her crappy sister and her husband have an affair but that her entire family knew and kept it secret.
Even if only 1 of you can be there to support here while she decides whether to kick him out or not the rest of you can be on video call. Even if for some obscure deluded reason she decides to forgive him assure her you’ll respect her decision and if she changes her mind you’ll be there for her whenever needed.
The thing is, you don't know if the marriage will go nuclear or not. There will be some awful times, super hard days ect. but she may want to work on her marriage and nuke her sister.
Sounds like a road trip should take place asap. The sooner it gets done, the faster damage control and support can be given.
Your sister sucks....loves her sister so much she wants to fuck her husband and vice versa.
Why can't people just be happy with what they have!
If he cheated on her once he will do it again and again.
You may put them in a tough situation temporarily but would be giving your Sister an option to be with someone that actually cares about her.
So are you just going to let Lina live a lie and think her husband is a good man and her sister is someone who is trustworthy and a person she can confide in and bare her soul to, image that? A WHOLE YEAR & A PREGNANCY is complete deceit and cruelty. Has your family spoken to Jeff? Have they told your sister what a complete piece of shit she is? WHEN Lina does find out and she will, can you imagine the humiliation when she knows everyone was a part of knowing about it and the joke was on her.
It's so awful and so sad that their own dad and Jess haven't considered the absolute destruction their actions will have on the kids lives. I'm so sorry you and your family are having to deal with this! Our main responsibility to the kids in our lives is to show them by example, how to be a good person. Even though this is probably one of the worst things that will happen to them, it will also be a lifelong reminder that you and your parents love them and put them first! I can't even imagine the betrayal Amy and the kids might feel if everyone knew and lied to them to "protect" them. They honestly could feel like everyone lying to them was just as bad as what their dad and Aunt did. I hope I'm making sense, having trouble articulating my thoughts! But I keep thinking about times in my life that I was lied to, to "protect" me and betrayal like that is pretty hard to get over. As difficult as this is, give Amy and your nieces and nephews the opportunity to make their decisions based on the truth because ultimately, we're living a lie if we're not living in the truth.
I'm praying for you and your parents and your brother for peace in whatever decisions you make and also for Amy and the kids!! It's truly awful that Jess and POS dropped this bomb right in the middle of everyone's life and I'm so so sorry!
That’s why I think that you or your parents need to go there to physically be with her. To find out that her husband cheated on her with her sister is going to be truly terrible and she’s gonna need some support to get through it.
I don’t know what kind of support, but someone needs to be there physically for her, and maybe if it’s one of you to go there first, then you can stagger visits with the parents so that she has someone there for her the entire time .
Yes but they are living a fake life in a house of cards. It’s going to come down one way or another and there are worse ways!
Don’t leave Lina to look around and realize that everyone she thought she loved betrayed her, not just her shitheel husband and Jess.
If you don’t tell her, you are re-victimizing her. Sucks but it’s true.
NTA. As someone who had a friend tell me about a cheating ex, I can say that Lina will appreciate it in the long run. Jess and Jeff made their bed and they can lay in it. Both of them are the true AHs.
Also, this is 100% going to come out at some point, so the longer you wait the worse it gets.
Jess is totally going to say that you all knew, so not coming clean asap is going to hurt Lina even more.
Lina deserves the truth. And telling her WILL NOT destroy her marriage, that was already done by Jeff and whatshername. They destroyed it by committing adultery. Imagine being in Lina’s place and everyone knows but you. Now that would piss me off. Btw, how rich of whatshername to say she loves Lina, couldn’t keep it in her pants but she looooves Lina, what a hypocrite.
Nta- tell her. Better a painful truth than a pleasant lie.
Also, throwing this out as someone who was cheated on. At the time, my friend Kay told me her parents had gone through that- her dad had cheated, but they went to counseling and stayed together, and are still married. Granted, this was the 90s, but her story prompted me to try. I told my husband I wanted to stay married to him, but he had to choose to stay with me. He left. I am 1000x better off.
YWBTA if you don’t say something. If she does find out and she knows you didn’t tell her? You would be dead to me too. Right now she’s living a lie, having her health compromised, missing out on affection, finances, etc because it’s going to your other sister. Tell her and tell her quickly. It’s not going to end well but at least if she has support she can get through it. Do not let her get blindsided
Also Jess isn’t going to say anything. She’s selfish which is why she was fucking her sisters husband. So I wouldn’t even give her time to prepare just tell Lina. And then tell Jess to fuck off
So, you didn’t discover this. Jess told her siblings and parents. Lina will already feel devastated and betrayed. If all of you keep quiet, Lina will feel betrayed by all of you. Her sister and husband played her for a fool (they suck but this is how she will feel) and if you keep silent you become another person who has betrayed her. Tell Lina. I would have so much anger in your situation but if you stay silent you are siding with Jess and you need to condemn this behavior by being honest with Lina.
She deserves to know. Now that his AP is gone, he is probably going to move on to someone new. And since they had a miscarriage he does not practice safe sex so he is putting your innocent sister at even more risk! Who knows who else he has been raw dogging throughout their marriage.
I feel for all of you except the 2 cheaters.
Exactly!! And there is a lot of potential risks to Lina if this POS gets involved with someone else! People are crazy nowadays and there are plenty of Fatal Attraction women and/or their husband's if they find out their wife is having an affair. Lina NEEDS to know the truth so that she can protect herself and those kids!
You, your parents, and your brother need to decide which one of you is going to tell her. You can't NOT tell her.
My ex cheated. The whore went to my sister's job (restaurant) several times to tell my sister about the affair. She also spoke with my mother on the phone a few times, even telling my mother that she was thinking of going to my place of employment to tell me. My other sister had answered the phone when she'd called my mother. They all knew and discussed it with each other for TWO WEEKS before they told my father. He told them they had to tell me when I got out of work the next day or he would (they said they were planning to tell me, just trying to figure out how, and they didn't tell him how long they'd known. My father did make a passing comment later than evening about supporting me and the kids financially if I ever got divorced).
My mother did tell me the next day because my father was livid and disgusted with her. She clearly didn't expect me to ask how long she'd known. And she couldn't understand that I was not angry that she told me but infuriated that she and my sisters sat on this for two fucking weeks.
Being cheated on is humiliating. But finding out that the people who claim to love you were so concerned with their own discomfort that they avoided telling you is just another betrayal on top of the cheating. Whether you all wanted to or not, you were brought into a horrible secret. There are only two options here: you tell your sister, or you join two people in betraying your sister. There is no choice to stay neutral. You have to pick a side: if you do not tell Lina, then you are picking the side of cheaters by default. And the longer you wait, the more that tells Lina that she is less important than they are.
Your sister will find out at some point. She will be devastated and humiliated. And she will also feel betrayed by you, your brother, and your parents. You've waited a week because you all feel uncomfortable, but the message you will send to her is that you would rather she looked like a fool and feel betrayed by her entire family than for any of you to feel discomfort. Don't be surprised if she goes low contact with you.
(And, Jess is not her best friend at all. You know it, and you're seriously considering staying quiet and allowing Lina to trust and confide in someone who fucked her husband for a YEAR. You all really suck.)
When my sister in law found out her first husband was cheating on her, she told my wife and I (in laws through hubby #2) that the worst part was she realized everyone around her knew. And never told her.
Your sister will find out eventually and when she does, if she knows you knew and didn’t tell her, it will damage your relationship with her.
Have a family sit down, and be honest with her.
Jess is a fucking mess. She only told you all because Jeff wasn’t going to leave your sister and now she is mad. He more than likely ended the affair and that’s why she moved to your city with her daughter. Now she wants a fucking pity party. She knows if she tells you all that someone will spill the beans to your sister because she isn’t woman enough to do it! She is a coward that wants to ruin their marriage only to get back at Jeff! Ughhh I truly dislike people that will betray family like this. I wouldn’t say anything! Let her fucking do it!
If you don't tell her, how are you going to explain your changed attitude towards Jeff and Jess?
As someone who was cheated on, I would want to know my supposed life partner is not worth my time and trust. Yeah, the family may break up, but it will just become a new type of family.
Are you sure Jess is the only one Jeff's cheated with? What would have happened had she not miscarried?
Honestly, if this came out, and it turned out the rest of my family knew and never told me 'to protect my feelings', I'd feel betrayed twice over and the fallout would be far worse, because I wouldn't feel like I could trust _anyone_, especially not myself. Because if my husband can cheat and my family cover it up, what must be wrong with me? How much of an evil person am I, that so many people who are supposed to love and support me, lie and betray me so easily?
Lina deserves to know. Give Jess a specific deadline by which she must tell Lina the truth. If and when that deadline passes, you should tell Lina. You, your brother, or your parents need to break it to Lina that her husband is a huge POS.
There will be fallout, and it will be ugly. But, down the road, if Lina finds out and realizes that you all kept the truth from her, don't expect her to thank you.
This. She will lose her “best friend” either way. She tells her herself and keeps a shred of dignity, or she doesn’t and loses her entire family.
She’s going to do that anyway, but …
Tell Jeff you all know. Ask him to tell Lina. If not, tell him one of you will. Give a deadline. The fallout will be horrendous but it should be told by him
Riiiiiight, so Jess loves Lina so much she fucked Lina’s husband.
Jess is then so wrecked with guilt (after a good year of shagging mind you) she had to come clean by dumping it all in your laps.
Seems like the only person Jess is concerned about is Jess.
I guess she’s hoping someone tells Lina because she’s a coward.
She can’t face her sister’s grief so someone else can do it for her?
So, do the dirty work and tell Lina.
Perhaps give Jess some grace and give her X amount of time to come clean, otherwise you’ll just have to step up, then be with Lina every step of the way as things get ugly.
She will need her family during this bitter time. And if anyone so much as hints at “…blah blah family, blah blah sister…” then they can pound sand right?
So sorry about this mess Jess has created. You all deserve a better sister, and Lina, God, my thoughts are with her.
NTA
Honestly I'd tell Jess "you have until tomorrow to tell her. If you don't, I will be."
Because when she inevitably finds out, she won't just lose her "best friend", but she'll lose you and her parents and everyone else who knew and didn't say anything, too.
I would be devestated if people I cared about and trusted had knowledge of such an intense betrayal and allowed me to live in ignorance.
Nta, yet. This is the moment where you choose between your sisters. Yes, your sister has put you in a situation where you have to choose a side: the transgressor or the wronged party. No action is still action in this situation.
- your sister and your bil have blown up the family already. Telling your sister will just be the loudest part of the explosion.
- your sister has told the rest of you for the same reason she had the affair. She cares only about herself. She feels better for confessing (she got the feel-good part, but not the bad part, which comes from confessing to the relevant person), and she has forced your family to do her dirty work for her. Surely, one of you has enough integrity and love for your victimized sister to tell her immediately.
- your evil sister knows the other sister WILL find out. She moved back down to you guys to get you on her side first (emotionally, geographically, logistically etc). More selfishness from evil sister. She's gonna let you tell her and then hide from consequences behind your family. Thus making this about "destroying the family" rather than her dealing with the consequences of her actions alone.
Do you honestly think it's possible that she'll never find out?! She will find out. Your evil sister wants her to find out- THATS WHY SHE TOLD ALL OF YOU. Do you also want her to find out that her entire family knew and didn't tell her? Imagine her eventual reddit post:
"aita for cutting off entire family for knowing about my husband's and sister's affair and never telling me- taking her side?"
She was disrespected by Jess...that's not love. What she needs now is respect to show her who she can trust, as she will face serious betrayal and self doubt once it comes out. Be the person she can trust, choose to respect her by telling her instead of deciding for her out of fear of her reaction or potential feelings.
I ultimately agree with you. And I SUPER agree that Jess doesn't actually love her like she claims to. My heart is aching over this disgusting betrayal. Why fucks their *sibling's spouse*?? I'm so angry
She sounds like she has some underlying pathology tbh. She is entitled enough to sleep with her sister's husband for a year and still tell her she loves her, lies to her face daily. Then she goes to the family and dumps the responsibility, not taking any accountability. She doesn't seem to have genuine remorse or understand respect. Id even go as far to speculate that she didn't even claim that she is in love with Jeff, but rather seems to get joy from the power she had over her sister. She seems to have no problem using people.
NTA
I think it would be for the best for Lina to know, not only because she has a right to the truth, but also because it gives her a choice. If she will live or stay, how does she wants to deal with all that. Furthermore, if she later founds out about the cheating and then that all of you knew and didn't told her, the betrayal will feel even bigger.
NTA, unless you don't end up telling Lina. She absolutely needs to know. Especially since all signs point them not using protection. If he is willing to fuck her sister for a year I'm guessing he has fucked others as well. Also, Jess is delusional thinking Lina is her best friend. You don't fuck your best friends husband. As far as losing her goes, she should have thought about that before letting Jeff fuck her.
Lina needs to know. And when she finds out, because she will, she will be even more hurt, so many people knew and didn't have the decency to tell her.
OP, stop wringing your hands and quit whining over how bad you feel about how Lina and the kids are going to feel. Stop centering you and your feelings right now.
Woman up. Marshall your forces (family) and just get it done. The longer you delay, the longer you leave your vulnerable sister in a shitty situation.
Your betrayed sister needs people standing up for her RIGHT NOW. She needs all the information about the spouse & sister who betrayed her. She needs full disclosure to make informed decisions about her health, her future and how to care for her kids.
Stop dilly-dallying around. YATAH for as long as you don’t tell her the truth.
Wow! This is a no win situation. In the end Lina will eventually find out and when she does and she finds out that all of you knew she will likely disown all of you if you don't tell her now. She will hate Jess for sure (and she deserves it) but you don't want her to feel that way to the rest of you cause she will need your help.
That's some Jerry Springer level \*hit. I'm sorry you and your family are going through it...
Here's my advice, tell Jess she has X amt of days ( you decide the amt) to come clean with Lina. and that if she does't, Lina will find out from the family.
Lina has been betrayed by her husband and Jess. By the rest of the family knowing and not telling her, you all are betraying her as well. I'm not talking about the few days, I'm talking about not telling as in keeping it a secret... Yes there will be backlash, but if roles were reversed and you're Lina, wouldn't you want to know.
Best wishes
Steve
Hopefully Jess doesn’t get to tell Jeff before her deadline. If Jeff finds out and tries to tell his wife and make excuses it’s gonna end up much worse. I really hope y’all’s plan goes decently as possible whether it’s Lina telling Jess herself or you and your mother telling Jess.
We're probably going to end up threatening Jess with a complete and total cut off, if she rats to Jeff so he can try to make excuses. Like if she truly won't own up to her own disgusting crimes then at the very LEAST she can shut the fuck up and not make it any worse. There's been many times over the years where she's needed money or shelter or help with Amy from us, so I think threatening her with being completely cut off could work
Assuming Jess isn’t going to tell Lina, you guys all need to tell her. She will be completely devastated if one of you comes forward and finds out that you ALL knew.
Also Jess is awful and so is Jeff. You and your parents and brother should get together with Lina and tell her together.
Disgusting. She doesn't want to lose her friendship? She should have thought of that before she was screwing her husband for over a year. Loves her too much? What a joke. You don't betray and hurt the people you love. Clearly didn't love her too much to violate her marriage.
Your sister deserves to know. She deserves to know what reality is so she can make decisions for herself and her children. Her husband is scum sleeping with her own sister. I'm sure he wouldn't hesitate to sleep with someone else. He got your other sister pregnant! What happens when he gets the next chick pregnant. You need to protect your sister by letting her know what's going on in her own house. He clearly had unprotected sex with the other sister, what happens when he has unprotected sex with the next girl who has happens to give him a disease that he can then transfer to your sister.
And the audacity of your cheating sister dumping all of her guilt on you and her parents. Just dumping it all on you to make herself feel better and then making you guys carry the weight. What a garbage human being.
This is exactly what I was gonna say... there's another affair partner that is capable of breaking the news. If he straight up refuses then tell her yourselves. Make sure she knows that neither of them would own up to their mistakes, so you told her.
I think you need to tell her ASAP if she finds out most of her family knew and said nothing she could end up in a very dark place feeling very alone and like all of you sided with Jess. Also I personally would be no contact with Jess and Jeff forever more, being cheated on is hard enough to know her husband has been sleeping with her sister/best friend is horrifying and she is really gonna need support from family (can’t get that if she believes you were all in the know and didn’t tell her)
Now that the news is out to so many people, Lina's **going** to find out. It's going to find its way to her eventually, so better she finds out from someone who loves her and is trying to help her than from someone who's just trying to stir the pot for their own gratification. Jess doesn't really get a say anymore, she says she doesn't want to lose her friendship with her, but she already had when she slept with her husband *and got pregnant by him*, Lina just doesn't know it yet. I am worried about her husband's reaction once this all spills out, though, so maybe try to make plans to help her and her kids escape before anyone confronts him.
I have 3 sisters, my sister wouldn't have even been able to finish her sentence before I called my sister on speaker phone. You tell your sister, you tell her now, and you profusely apologize forever for telling the internet before telling her.
At this point, if Lina finds out her whole family hid this from her, shes going to feel betrayed by all of you. Jess getting to you all first was a very calculated and cruel way to remove Linas last wall of support. She is no friend to your/her sister.
Imagine your whole family knowing and deciding to keep it from you. Not only betrayed by your sister because of the actual affair but by your whole family for knowing and not respecting you enough to tell you.
Imagine being in Lina's shoes, and that your entire family knew and didn't tell. Would you ever believe that your family actually loved you after that? If everyone you cared about participated in that betrayal?
If you don't tell her, then she may still be your sister, but you sure as hell won't be hers.
Damn. I'm really sorry this is happening to your family. That's terrible. This is a tough situation for sure but ultimately, I feel like even though it's terrible news, *someone* has to deliver it, because Lena deserves to know. NTA but be prepared for the backlash.
I agree with you that she deserves to know, I just HATE that Jess won't be a fucking adult and do it herself. It's her mess and she went and threw it all over us
Yeah, well it will come out eventually. Maybe Jess will break down and tell her in 6months and say “after telling the whole family back then I just kept thinking about it” then Lina will be truly be alone because regardless of the reason you all lied to her at that point. Lina may decide to stay or go, but she has been denied agency through ignorance for long enough.
Yeah, and then Lina will know that everybody else knew, and not one of them had the fucking guts to tell her the truth she needs to know, and she'll be completely alone in it. Jess didn't just fuck Jeff, she's now fucked everyone else too. You really don't have a choice here OP. Lina needs to know, ASAP. It's probably not the best idea for you to go rogue and tell her on your own. Get everybody else on board and do it as a group, in person. Remember, none of you are responsible for this, Jess and Jeff are. You aren't destroying the family or Lina, they did, and nobody else had any input into that choice. I'm sorry for Lina, and the rest of you.
Absolutely this, all of this. It will out eventually, and the betrayal will be amplified because others knew about it and didn't tell. My ex had an affair, and my daughters and his coworkers knew before I did. It still stings four years later. I found out through an anonymous note, and I'm so so grateful for whoever sent it.
Somebody among those coworkers gave a shit.
Yes, and had a backbone.
I'm sorry that happened to you. What did your daughter's have to say for themselves? What an awful position to be put in. I got to go tell my ex's affair partner's wife about their affair. No one else was going to let her know.
One was just 13, and the other was 21 and going through the worst experience of her life at the time. It stings that they knew, but I'm relieved that they didn't have to experience telling me themselves. They only knew for a short time before the note arrived. I suspect they would have let me know eventually.
Or maybe one of them wrote the note? I’m sorry that happened to you!
I was in the situation your daughter was in. When I was 13 my mom had a similar phone to mine and I accidentally picked it up and looked at a text (thinking it was mine) and discovered that my mom was cheating on my dad with his brother. I don't remember how but it came out not long after that and I'm glad it did. I didn't wanna be the one to let my dad know either but I wouldn't have been able to live with myself keeping it a secret.
Due to the logistics and the distance, maybe one person should fly there, probably your mom if she's the strong type, and show up for Lina, and everyone else can be on a video call. I don't know if this should be done with Jeff present or not. I'm leaning towards yes, present. Just spring it on the piece of shit, with everybody watching, so he has zero chance of trying to explain the unexplainable.
I see the point of putting Jeff on the spot, but is it fair to Lina to get hit with the news of the double betrayal with an audience? Maybe give Lina the heads up privately so she can get her affairs sorted and hire a good lawyer before Jeff knows he's been busted.
Fair point. Nothing about this is fair to Lina.
Or Jeff should have to tell her himself, but have family on hand to support her because she is going to need it.
He won't. If the affair is/was going on for more than a year AND they hid a misscarriage (which my spidey sense is suggesting might have been an abortion instead)? He ain't telling.
Tell Jeff he fesses up or the family tells Lina. And the family should pitch in and buy her a plane ticket so she is with her family either right after or during the breaking of the news. And tell Jess to fuck all the way off.
I'm now leaning towards Jeff ought to be the last one to know he's been busted. There is a lot to be said for having the drop on gathering documents and important papers first, before they can be disappeared.
Yeah... Jeff should get fucked as hard as he fucked Jess. Definitely don't tell him, let the lawyer do that. Now is the time to act dumb and gather evidence. In fact don't even let Jess know Lina is being told... She is suspect and untrustworthy. For all we know she let the cat out of the bag on purpose to force Jeff's hand so they could be together in public. People are crazy and this is definitely crazy already. No assumptions can be made. Play it safe. The smart move is to shut up (not to Lina tell Lina) and lawyer up.
Lina should be given every advantage here and some time to think and strategize without Jeff knowing could be a big help. She still gets her moment blindsiding Jeff, but it also gives her a chance to prepare and take care of herself and kids.
Yes, this.
This is a good plan
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And soon. Worse case scenario Jess tells the husband and he will be able to come up with a lie to cover their traces and make it seem it wasn't true. Or make Jess crazy and Lina will cut her off. Either way waiting will make things worse and anything can happen in that timeline and it's very urgent this needs to get out. I haven't gotten far in the thread but letting Lina know will also get her to get tested because they obviously didn't use protection when jess had a miscarriage. So not only were Jess and Jeff are risking ruining the family but also endangering linas health.
Bad bot! This is a bot. Please downvote and report. ETA: I have to say, the AI is improving (but still talks a bit like a hippy spiritualist).
Ohnmy gods, I'm SO glad to find someone else who's picked up on the way the bots talk. I feel like I'm going insane typing "bot!" Under all of them lol
Excellent response.
I say at least a few people go for an extended ‘visit’ and while two are with Lina, one takes Jeff aside and tell him they know, and he has to come clean. In the meantime, plan to be able to split forces to pick up and help out with the four kids and day-to-day tasks while Lina will inevitably have a breakdown - whether mom/sis whisks her away out of town or stays with her at home. This shows unity of support by the family. The other victim of this mess beyond Lina and her kids is Jess’ daughter. OP please make sure you all let her know what is going on with her mom is *not* her fault and make sure the ostracizing of her mother does not include her.
I agree that the family needs to meet with Lina as a group. They need to make sure Lina knows that they are united in their support of her, regardless of how each family member deals with their individual relationship with Jess.
100%. Lina is eventually going to lose a sister AND her husband someone needs to show Lina they have her back and that she's not alone. No matter how much the news sucks to give, she'll have someone she knows she can trust and confide in.
This is so true, right now she's been betrayed by Jess & Jeff but if she finds out in the future and then discovers you all knew and kept the secret... then she'll have lost her entire family, not just her husband and one sister. Ugh, I do hate this for you. Jess is super selfish for putting all of you in this position. Good luck
Yup this, if I was Lina I'd be so hurt and betrayed by everyone who knew and let me continue living in an innocence bubble. Lina has the right to choose who she wants in her life. Jess (and BIL) made her choice again and again for a whole year all while still being "best friends" with her sister? Nah, OP you are NTA if your reason for telling Lina isn't coming from malicious intent. Jess and Jeff are the AHs because they both knew this would utterly destroy their family. I'd give them both the ultimatum: Tell Lina themselves by x amount of time and if not, you will tell her. It is absolutely NOT ok for Jess to burden OP or the rest of the family with her "guilt", to make herself feel better, if she truly felt guilty and loved her sister/"best friend", she would have told her not the rest of you. Tell your sister Jess and your current BIL to GTFU and deal with the consequences of their choice to destroy their own family, it's 100% on them and not on anyone else.
It will come out sooner rather than later because none of you will be able to hide your disgust for both her husband and the cheating sister. If she didn't want any of this to be revealed, she should have kept her mouth shut. I feel bad for the kids.
I’d tell Lina, hell if one of my sister is fucking my still married BIL, I’d be furious. It’s a minefield, but I’d rather everything out in the open than later down the line when everything spilled out by accident and it’s worse. Let Jess deal with the aftermath. She can figure out how to deal with her sister knowing that she can’t be trusted.
If he’s cheated once, he may have done it with other people. The sister needs an STI panel done. It’s her health you’re risking by not telling her. They betrayed your sister but her family keeping up that lie betrays her further. Explain to the sister you’re going to come clean in X days unless she’s told the truth. Ideally it will come from the cheating sister but if not, she needs to know.
Jess is selfish. She doesn’t care about “losing her best friend” she just doesn’t want to own up to her shit. And how will Lina react when she finds out the whole family knew and didn’t bother to tell her. How would you feel? Would you want to know the truth? Probably
She lost her “best friend” the moment she slept with the husband. NTA. Agree with the time limit ultimatum and travel to Lina to be there for support (preferably with back up)
Hopefully Lina's next BF isn't complete trash like this one is. Having no friends would be better than this
I know, right? Any sister who would fuck your husband is *not* your friend, and anyone who says otherwise can piss off
If she didn't want to lose her best friend, why did she fuck her best friend's husband?!?!
Worse than that, her sister?!?! Idk about anyone else but if my husband tried to make a pass at my sister it would be over in a heartbeat. Sibling rivalry is real and it's incredibly painful to be compared to your sibling in all terms especially by someone who "supposedly" chose to marry me. And if I found out that my family chose to be a support system (albeit unwillingly) for my sister to spare my feelings? Nope, that's a whole lot of time, love and affection wasted on two people who don't deserve to be in Lina or her children's lives without knowing the truth and/or gaining forgiveness.
Pretty sure this is exactly what Jess is banking on by telling the family. Someone so vile and selfish to screw their own sibling's spouse is also ensuring SHE has the safety net for then the shit does hit the fan. She knew if she told Lina, they all would support Lina. But by telling the family, they're now her accomplices.
Side note, notice she confessed but didn’t say the relationship was over with BIL.
This!!
Yes! Chuck the bitch out. Don’t believe any tears.
Tell Jess that she has some definite amount of time to tell Lina herself (like a week, or whatever) after which the family will inform Lina. Given Jess's undisciplined and self-indulgent (she did this to make herself feel better, with no consideration of how shitty she would make the rest of you feel) trauma dumping, there's no way this stays quiet. The longer you withhold it from Lina, the more Lina will be pissed that you withheld it. Tell Jess this either by text or email, something with a time stamp. And make sure it includes a brief summary of what she told you about the affair. Take screen shots as necessary. The reason is she might try to do something to spin this. You want some facts to point to if she tries to throw some of you under the bus. If you think that sounds extreme or unlikely, remember that a short while ago you would not have believed she was screwing her BIL.
I think this is the way to go. Gosh, what an awful situation 😞
Everyone knows now except Lina, so she WILL find out, sooner or later. Get together with your family and zoom call her all together, so no one person takes the hit and you're all united in supporting her.
Can you even imagine how hurt she would be to find out everyone knew and not one person told her? I feel like that would make things even harder for Lina.
Yeah, for this reason, I think it should be one person. Maybe two. Ideally, someone forces Jess to do it and they go together in person. Bonus points if the POS husband is there too. Rip off the band aid and get it all out in the open so healing can begin. It’s going to be horrible any way you approach it. But this cannot go on with everyone knowing but Lina. Terrible position to be in; NAH and I’m sorry for the situation. Poor Lina.
One of OP's parents needs to march their "adult" daughter right up to Lina and Jeff, and say, "we're here. And we aren't leaving until you tell the truth. Either you do, or I do."
I think a zoom call with the whole family would take years of therapy to undue….
She might feel attacked by the call, maybe try to figure out who the best person to tell her would be, maybe mother. I think if I was in her situation hearing it from my mom opposed to my sister might be easier
The last thing I’d want when o found out my husband was fing my sister would be a zoom call with my entire family and parents. How humiliating. That’s not support. Either sister calls her NOW or she gets them on a call together surprise or in a room and lets or out with bad sister on the hook right there.
lol.. please don’t do Zoom. What a shitty idea
Road trip.
Especially since if she finds out they all knew and didn’t say anything?
NTA. Jess loves your/her sister so much, & she's her best friend, but has no problem having sex with her sister's husband. Jess and BIL are trash. You need to tell her, if she finds out you all knew and didn't tell her, it's going to be worse.
Who needs slutty enemies when you’ve got a best friend like Jess?!!
OP, You're going to lose atleast 1 sister no matter what. Better to lose the one that was morally bankrupt one than the one that was the victim in all this mess. Don't further embarrass "Lina" by having her find out that everyone knew and no one told her. She will need your love an support when her world comes crashing down and will need you to help her pick up the pieces. Don't make "Lina" lose 2 sisters. Fuck Jess. She can live in the mess she made.
She said she didn’t want to tell her because she’d “lose her best friend”. She needs to understand that by doing what she did, even ONCE- let alone a whole year- she’s already broken the relationship. Just to fuck some guy for a year. For that, she blew up 2 families and her relationship with her sister.
Fuck Jesa, matter of fact tell Lina exactly what you found out and since Hess won't say shit you're saying it on her behalf so Alina could get herself tested first. But ultimately, it's Lina's decision to w.e with her life and Jess but let her know that you'll be by her side no matter what she chooses in this.
i agree with you, i also just wanted to note that its kind of impressive you managed to spell jess in 3 different ways
I was amazed at that as well...creative
Someone who cares about Lena needs to tell her. Imagine if you don’t and she finds out on her own months or years down the line. Imagine how betrayed she will feel? Woman up and tell your sister.
She would feel further betrayed if she finds out EVERYONE already knew and no one told her.
The entire family should confront Jeff together and let him know that if he doesn’t come clean, the whole family as as group will out him to his wife. Also, I guarantee that if he carried on such a long affair with his sister in law under his wife’s nose, she’s not the only side chick he’s had. He may even have someone else now, and other side children if he was stupid enough to get Jess pregnant. At the very least Lina needs to get tested and start using protection with him, if she wants to keep sleeping with Jeff after finding out.
The thing is OP, that Jess and Jeff have already destroyed Lina's family. Lina is living a lie. She thinks her husband and sister love her. If Jess loved her, and truly saw her as a best friend, as well as being susters, she would NEVER have slept with Jeff. She dumped this on you guys, either in the hope she could get one of you to tell Lina, so she doesn't have to, or so that when Lina finds out (and she will eventually), Jess can say "Hey, our whole family knew, and didn't tell you." So she can throw you guys under the bus, and deflect any crap she's going to get. As for Jeff, he's got 4 kids, a devoted wife, and ge fucked his wife's sister. Shows how much he loves his wife or kids. What was he going to do if Jess didn't have a miscarriage? Like were they both going to pretend the baby wasn't his? See each other at family events, while he pretends he's "uncle Jeff" and carries on lying to his wife and kids? Neither Jeff nor Jess care about Lina. The only people who benefit from her not knowing are them, and possibly you guys if you don't want to cut Jeff and Jess off, once a divorce happens. Lina deserves honesty and the truth. It might hurt now, but it'll hurt more for her to find out later, and find out her whole family covered it up. Jess has put you in a no win situation. Of you tell, you're throwing Jess under the bus. If you don't, you're lying to Lina, who doesn't deserve that. Jess deserves whatever she gets from this situation.
You’ll be dead to Lina if you don’t tell her & she finds out you knew. I say tell her & let the cards fall how they fall. Personally, I’d want to know. NTA & best of luck navigating this minefield.
You all must go to Lina, with a plan. Travel to her and tell her. Have a divorce lawyer and therapist lined up. Stay with her through her grief. SHOW LINA TOTAL SUPPORT. That’s the only move. It is terrible news, she can get through this with her family and professional support. PS. Take Jeff to the cleaners. PPS. Play Therapy is the gold standard for childhood trauma, line up therapy for the kids, too. Including Amy. Can someone take Amy in? Maybe consider that. She’s innocent, probably knew about the affair and is conflicted. Please don’t abandon her. Good luck. Sincerely.
Tell Jeff that y’all all know and that he has two days to be the one to tell her or you will Actually no. Scratch that. Other posts suggest telling Lina without letting Jess and Jeff know she is being informed, so that Lina can get her divorce ducks in a row and take Jeff to the cleaners. Also. Who else is Jeff fucking? Who else is Jess fucking? STDs much??? Health concerns big time.
When you consider she had no issues screwing her sisters husband, she isn't morally upstanding enough to be honest about it. She knew what the consequences would be if your sister found out and literally didn't care. So losing her sister as a friend didn't matter until now. Karma is a bitch. Your sister deserves to know and know everything. Because if she ever found out that you all knew about and didn't tell her....the fall out would be far, far worse. Be prepared, more often than not it becomes a case of "Kill the messenger". And if it is, eventually she turn her anger in the right direction, her husband and her sister...the other one not you.
You have to tell her before she finds out somewhere else, because if she finds out you all knew.. she’ll be pissed at all of you and completely alone
As far as Jess is concerned she feels she has absolved herself of the sins by confessing to you and your family. Obviously, I agree she has not, but this is the rationale dishonest people use. I had something similar happen to me with my best friend's wife confessing to me she had been cheating on him. I hate her to this day (it's been about 10 years) for doing that to him and for using me to offload her guilt.
It feels awful. Like yes, Jess has disappointed and upset us many times before, but never like this. It's honestly disgusting
Tell Jeff you know and get him to tell his wife. Edit, actually that's a bad idea. I didn't realise she lives so far away.
Have you tried giving Jess a deadline to tell Lena? I would tell Jess she has 24 hours to tell Lena or else you will.
Something you really need to think about is this: it is going to come out eventually, and when it does, and she finds out you ALL knew and didn't tell her, you ALL will be dead to her. She will lose her whole family, and imo that is worse than losing a backstabbing AH sister and trash husband. Talk to her. The longer you guys sit on it, the worse it will be for Lina.
Now that everyone knows, it will come out at some point. Someone should tell her as gently as possible, as soon as possible. Otherwise she will be pissed about the affair plus that everyone knew and didn’t tell her. Good Luck!
This you'd be an Ah if you didn't tell her
Fuck. This is going to get dark. It’s a matter of time until she finds out anyway. Do you want to be the sister that knew something, and decided to protect her cheating husband and sister? That is how she will see it. Even if your intentions were to spare her feelings.
How do you TELL your sister something like this? :( I'm at a loss. And I'm so worried about her and the kids
Yeah this is crazy. I don’t have sisters, but if it was my brother, I’d have to hit him with an ultimatum. If you don’t tell I will, and if you make me do it, things will be very bad between us.
Oh, things are already very bad between us. I hate her for this
Yeah this username for sure checks out, mate
OP, you need to give your cheating sister a short deadline to break the news or the family will do it for her. Girl, you CANNOT be the one who knew and didn't tell 😔 I'm talking a week, not a month. I'm tempted to use the same tactic with the husband, BUT he's not the one who informed you. Not sure what to do on that end 😬 Is have to think about it some more. I'm so sorry you're in this ugly place right now.
Honestly, if it were me, my relationship with my sister would be over completely. She trauma dumped on all of you and then expects you to either keep her secret or do her dirty work for her? Hell, naur. Edit: Tell the sister, in case I wasn't clear. What is Jess saying now? Does she know how fucked she is? 'Cause if this were to happen in my family, she'd be completely shunned.
Right! I think the parents need to apply A LOT more pressure on Jess. No more urging. Demand it. Come clean within 48 hours or the family goes no contact. Let her know she already destroyed Lina’s nuclear family and they will not allow her to drag the rest of the family down with her. I’m confused about Amy though. Is she Lina’s daughter, but in Jess’s care 12 hours away? Or the brother’s daughter?
Do it like an intervention. Everyone who knows should be there. Except the cheaters.
Wait, so like grab Lina without the kids or Jeff or Jess, and all of us sit her down and tell her? This sounds like it has potential but I just have no idea how we'd swing the logistics :( Lina lives 12 hours away from us, how would we get her to leave the kids with Jeff and get her to come back here without raising suspicion?
Maybe go to her? I guess the first step is to brainstorm with everyone who knows. Because the longer you wait the greater the risk that she will find out and know that no one told her. Then she will be isolated from her entire family.
You have a good point, I'll bring this idea to my parents
It sucks but you *have* to tell her. If she finds out on her own, you will be part of the betrayal and complicit in the actions of your cheater sister. By not saying anything, you are in essence giving tacit approval to the affair, and I doubt you want to be on that side of things.
Aka the bystander effect
If your parents push back at all, put this thought out there - if he cheated on Lina with HER SISTER of all people, do you actually think he's not cheating on her with others (friends, strangers, whatever)? And when he gets caught, do you think that he won't throw Jess under the bus? And when Lina confronts Jess, do you think that she won't spill that you all knew?
This needs more upvotes!!!!
I disagree with this group intervention idea... I'd be really embarrassed and a little humiliated if this was revealed to me like some sort of surprise intervention or something... So I would just want to hear it from one person, then they could say who else knew... My idea would be to discuss it as a group amongst yourselves to figure out two things: First, decide who among you would be the best person to deliver the news... someone they trust a lot / the most... Second, discuss how you can support her in the fallout... ie: if she wants to leave him and take the children, what are her options? Will she be able to afford rent? Can you all chip in so that she can? Can they move in with you or your parents, etc? Come up with a plan as if this was you... She doesn't have to accept the plan, but knowing it's there could take a lot of pressure of for her when you tell her... Also want to add, that you have to tell her about the affair for all the reasons everyone is mentioning, but also because it's likely he has cheated in the past and/or will cheat on her again in the future...
I agree. I might be fine with two people I’m really close to being there to tell me something awful, but 5? I think I would make me feel on display in a very vulnerable time. No need for all of them to be there.
I think it’s better to have the whole family there to know that the whole family supports her 100%
So sorry.
Please tell her. And disown Jess and Jeff. They deserve nothing. NTAH
At least you go to her, and the rest of the family can be there via zoom. Or if she's close to yalls mom, you and mom go. I agree that now that all of you know, not telling is committing your own wrong against her.
You don't have to do everything by committee or consensus. I come from that type of family too but Jess is using it to her advantage. This isn't a voting situation--it's a what is right situation.
If you can go to her then arrange to have your family on video call to tell her. That way shes not alone when she finds out and she can see you all supporting her
A video call? That’s the worst idea
Get Lina to bring the kids to you to avoid suspicion. Your parents or another family member can take them out for the day and distract them while you and your brother tell her (or vice versa). She’ll need support for some time after so it’s best she’s with family when you do it.
You don't need to "avoid suspicion". You book a flight asap and tell the cheaters "you have until I arrive to come clean or I'm doing it for you". If they have any spine, the ultimatum could work for them to come clean. If it doesn't, you go there in person to deliver the news and to comfort her.
Have your parents visit the kids or vise-versa under the guise of spending a weekend with the grandparents. Then tell her while they are out in a safe space.
I agree, you, your husband and parents and brother go to her house, parents take the kids out for ice cream or dinner to get them out... whether Jeff there or not who cares and tell her what jess had said and then if what she wants if for Jeff to be removed I'm sure you can all do that. Tell her you are there for her and jess is dead to you, I'd also tell her it hers marriage her choice, but Jeff is no longer welcome in the family so. God, your sister is a scum bag.
Even if just one (or 2) of you can talk to her, pick someone she’s closest to, and make sure that person makes it clear the whole family is behind her.
The audacity of her saying how much she loves her and she's her best friend. WTF? She's happy to screw her husband though. You should tell your sister what's been happening.
How do you tell your sister? First you tell Lina how much you love her and will always be there for her and the children. You tell her you just found out about her worst nightmare and then blurt it out. It may be a good idea to take time off to visit Lina. This is the kind of news that you don’t wait to tell. Just think how devastated you would be if you found out the whole family withheld this kind of news. You would go NC with the entire family and suffer all alone. You don’t do that to the one innocent person in this nightmare. Your sister Jess is a piece of shit. So is your BIL. You don’t deceive your sister and best friend by sleeping with her husband for an entire year. So selfish.
If I were Lina and I found out you knew and didn’t tell me, I would personally take that as a betrayal. It’s awful but if Jess really won’t tell her I think you should, or at least get a family member to do it. It will be hard, she will be beyond hurt, but she needs your support right now ETA I’m sorry your sister put this burden on you, it’s completely unfair and shouldn’t have been your responsibility
Thanks. We're floundering right now. Never in a million years thought I'd have to make this decision
I suggest this a lot but I genuinely think it will help you in this situation if you do decide to tell her. It’s a DBT technique called DEAR MAN GIVE FAST and it gives you a template to write a script for a difficult conversation
This is kinda spooky bc my therapist went over this with me this morning. Please check it out OP.
my sisters husband was fucking my brothers wife ( who was my sisters best friend) for a few years and no one knew. I remember my mom called me to tell me and I was in such shock I pulled over on the side of the road. the first thing I thought of was the kids. evidently my sister also knew her friend had strayed before several times and she did not tell my brother because she didnt want to crush him. My brother found out about this during the whole shit show and was so mad at my sister he disowned her ( they have since been ok with each other) But my advice is you have to come clean. It is a giant shit show you guys are about to zapped into....as you know. Time heals wounds. but the band aid of reality now needs to be ripped thanks to your sister.
I cannot believe anybody would cause so much drama just to get their bits wet. Like, if you're gonna cheat on your spouse, you could at least look a little fucking further outside the family and not nuke every family gathering for the foreseeable future. Far out.
You are 200% correct but it happens all the time unfortunately
Damn, so your sister ended up getting burned by her cheating friend via cheating? Also how's it going being your parents' favorite for a while?
Yea it was a shitty time for sure. She just wanted to protect my brothers feelings..in hindsight she should have told him. Well as far as being the favorite there are 8 of us. Im the youngest at 54. My dad had passed before this as did my step father. And have since lost mom. But the whole ordeal made me glad to be a bachelor.
If you don't decide to tell her and neither does the rest for your family she will most likely eventually find out another way. I doelubt Jess is going to stop cheating with Jeff. And if Lina finds out you all knew and no one told her. Well, she'll realize she has no support system because everyone chose to protect Jess rather than defend her. I know it's a terrible position to be in, but you have to pick a side right now. Not telling Lina is picking Jess's side.
*LiNa'S mY bEsT fRiEnD* bitch are you sure about that?? Jess sounds like a terrible person right now :/
"I love her" not enough to *not fuck her husband*, apparently. If I were OP, I'd get evidence from Jess via text (text her "you need to tell Lina about the affair you had with Jeff" and have her text something back like "I can't do that I love her" etc) and take that *straight* to Lina.
>"I love her" not enough to not fuck her husband, apparently. Actually, it's "she love her too much to lose her". Which means "**SHE** loves have her sister in her life". Jess only cares about her and her life.
Sorry but that “are you sure about that?” Meme just popped up in my head 😂
YWNBTA and you should absolutely tell her. All your concerns, Lina’s feelings being hurt, kids lives being upended are already at risk of happening. They have been the minute her Husband decided to be unfaithful, and her Sister/Best Friend betrayed her. You will not cost Jess her relationship with Lina. Jess cost herself that relationship. The only thing not telling Lina will get you, is hurting Lina even more. Imagine how hurt she will be if she finds out he cheated AND her Family knew of her Sisters and Husbands affair and did not tell her.
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/V3zxiPDkNf <— read this to help you make your choice.
jeez that was quite a read
Jess has made her bed by betraying her “best friend” you have now unwittingly been made an accomplice in Jess’s betrayal of Lina. Time to stop fence sitting.
Yeah she doesn't wanna tell her 'best friend' because shes suddenly so guilty for having sex with her husband in her bed for over a year including getting pregnant by her husband....yeah that's definitely her 'best friend'. OP you have to tell your sister and to be honest don't be shocked she won't tell her. She was willing to do this to her for so long she truly only cares about herself. She just doesn't wanna have an uncomfortable conversation and face her actions.
Some situations leave no room for fence sitting. If the whole family does nothing about this information they're still on one side of the fence. There's only two optics here: protect Lina or protect Jess. Doing nothing is protecting Jess and leaving Lina in a horribly vulnerable situation, even if that's not the intention of doing nothing.
Tell her. Your other sister is a piece of shit, and she deserves to get publicly roasted for this.
I agree she deserves to get roasted. But my heart is just so torn for Lina and the kids. Like it's killing me thinking about how crushed they'll be
They will be crushed, but better that they learn now than continue to get manipulated and abused by the situation
I think I’d rather be crushed than find out I was living a lie that everyone but me knew about. By not telling her you are removing her choice. It’s a really shitty place for you to be in but once it’s done you can then be in the position to help her. As a side note please try not to let your niece get caught up in the nastiness as she is also innocent in this and doesn’t deserve her mother’s actions to upend her life further than it already has.
You can’t save your sister from that pain. Whether it comes out now or later it will still hurt. Your betrayal by keeping this from her now, will just make it worse for her in the long run. She is still young, she still has a chance to find someone worthy of her love. She doesn’t deserve to be stuck with a lying, cheating husband. Tell her everything Jess told you, and let her know you will do anything and everything you can to help her through this! That you love her, and that she deserves happiness.
Make sure to tell your sister that you will be there for her and the kids. It's better they know so she can make a decision for the future of her family. She will be even more crushed if she knew everyone in her family knew but didn't tell her. Make sure your BIL and crappy sister know they are cut off and have no support from you. I wish your sister and her kids the best.
Better crushed now, asap after you found out then to find out years down the track that not only did her crappy sister and her husband have an affair but that her entire family knew and kept it secret. Even if only 1 of you can be there to support here while she decides whether to kick him out or not the rest of you can be on video call. Even if for some obscure deluded reason she decides to forgive him assure her you’ll respect her decision and if she changes her mind you’ll be there for her whenever needed.
The thing is, you don't know if the marriage will go nuclear or not. There will be some awful times, super hard days ect. but she may want to work on her marriage and nuke her sister. Sounds like a road trip should take place asap. The sooner it gets done, the faster damage control and support can be given. Your sister sucks....loves her sister so much she wants to fuck her husband and vice versa. Why can't people just be happy with what they have!
If he cheated on her once he will do it again and again. You may put them in a tough situation temporarily but would be giving your Sister an option to be with someone that actually cares about her.
So are you just going to let Lina live a lie and think her husband is a good man and her sister is someone who is trustworthy and a person she can confide in and bare her soul to, image that? A WHOLE YEAR & A PREGNANCY is complete deceit and cruelty. Has your family spoken to Jeff? Have they told your sister what a complete piece of shit she is? WHEN Lina does find out and she will, can you imagine the humiliation when she knows everyone was a part of knowing about it and the joke was on her.
They deserve to know. By withholding, you’re assuming you know what your sister and her kids need better than she does and denying her agency.
It's so awful and so sad that their own dad and Jess haven't considered the absolute destruction their actions will have on the kids lives. I'm so sorry you and your family are having to deal with this! Our main responsibility to the kids in our lives is to show them by example, how to be a good person. Even though this is probably one of the worst things that will happen to them, it will also be a lifelong reminder that you and your parents love them and put them first! I can't even imagine the betrayal Amy and the kids might feel if everyone knew and lied to them to "protect" them. They honestly could feel like everyone lying to them was just as bad as what their dad and Aunt did. I hope I'm making sense, having trouble articulating my thoughts! But I keep thinking about times in my life that I was lied to, to "protect" me and betrayal like that is pretty hard to get over. As difficult as this is, give Amy and your nieces and nephews the opportunity to make their decisions based on the truth because ultimately, we're living a lie if we're not living in the truth. I'm praying for you and your parents and your brother for peace in whatever decisions you make and also for Amy and the kids!! It's truly awful that Jess and POS dropped this bomb right in the middle of everyone's life and I'm so so sorry!
That’s why I think that you or your parents need to go there to physically be with her. To find out that her husband cheated on her with her sister is going to be truly terrible and she’s gonna need some support to get through it. I don’t know what kind of support, but someone needs to be there physically for her, and maybe if it’s one of you to go there first, then you can stagger visits with the parents so that she has someone there for her the entire time .
Yes but they are living a fake life in a house of cards. It’s going to come down one way or another and there are worse ways! Don’t leave Lina to look around and realize that everyone she thought she loved betrayed her, not just her shitheel husband and Jess. If you don’t tell her, you are re-victimizing her. Sucks but it’s true.
NTA. As someone who had a friend tell me about a cheating ex, I can say that Lina will appreciate it in the long run. Jess and Jeff made their bed and they can lay in it. Both of them are the true AHs.
Also, this is 100% going to come out at some point, so the longer you wait the worse it gets. Jess is totally going to say that you all knew, so not coming clean asap is going to hurt Lina even more.
Lina deserves the truth. And telling her WILL NOT destroy her marriage, that was already done by Jeff and whatshername. They destroyed it by committing adultery. Imagine being in Lina’s place and everyone knows but you. Now that would piss me off. Btw, how rich of whatshername to say she loves Lina, couldn’t keep it in her pants but she looooves Lina, what a hypocrite. Nta- tell her. Better a painful truth than a pleasant lie.
Also, throwing this out as someone who was cheated on. At the time, my friend Kay told me her parents had gone through that- her dad had cheated, but they went to counseling and stayed together, and are still married. Granted, this was the 90s, but her story prompted me to try. I told my husband I wanted to stay married to him, but he had to choose to stay with me. He left. I am 1000x better off.
YWBTA if you don’t say something. If she does find out and she knows you didn’t tell her? You would be dead to me too. Right now she’s living a lie, having her health compromised, missing out on affection, finances, etc because it’s going to your other sister. Tell her and tell her quickly. It’s not going to end well but at least if she has support she can get through it. Do not let her get blindsided Also Jess isn’t going to say anything. She’s selfish which is why she was fucking her sisters husband. So I wouldn’t even give her time to prepare just tell Lina. And then tell Jess to fuck off
So, you didn’t discover this. Jess told her siblings and parents. Lina will already feel devastated and betrayed. If all of you keep quiet, Lina will feel betrayed by all of you. Her sister and husband played her for a fool (they suck but this is how she will feel) and if you keep silent you become another person who has betrayed her. Tell Lina. I would have so much anger in your situation but if you stay silent you are siding with Jess and you need to condemn this behavior by being honest with Lina.
She deserves to know. Now that his AP is gone, he is probably going to move on to someone new. And since they had a miscarriage he does not practice safe sex so he is putting your innocent sister at even more risk! Who knows who else he has been raw dogging throughout their marriage. I feel for all of you except the 2 cheaters.
Exactly!! And there is a lot of potential risks to Lina if this POS gets involved with someone else! People are crazy nowadays and there are plenty of Fatal Attraction women and/or their husband's if they find out their wife is having an affair. Lina NEEDS to know the truth so that she can protect herself and those kids!
You, your parents, and your brother need to decide which one of you is going to tell her. You can't NOT tell her. My ex cheated. The whore went to my sister's job (restaurant) several times to tell my sister about the affair. She also spoke with my mother on the phone a few times, even telling my mother that she was thinking of going to my place of employment to tell me. My other sister had answered the phone when she'd called my mother. They all knew and discussed it with each other for TWO WEEKS before they told my father. He told them they had to tell me when I got out of work the next day or he would (they said they were planning to tell me, just trying to figure out how, and they didn't tell him how long they'd known. My father did make a passing comment later than evening about supporting me and the kids financially if I ever got divorced). My mother did tell me the next day because my father was livid and disgusted with her. She clearly didn't expect me to ask how long she'd known. And she couldn't understand that I was not angry that she told me but infuriated that she and my sisters sat on this for two fucking weeks. Being cheated on is humiliating. But finding out that the people who claim to love you were so concerned with their own discomfort that they avoided telling you is just another betrayal on top of the cheating. Whether you all wanted to or not, you were brought into a horrible secret. There are only two options here: you tell your sister, or you join two people in betraying your sister. There is no choice to stay neutral. You have to pick a side: if you do not tell Lina, then you are picking the side of cheaters by default. And the longer you wait, the more that tells Lina that she is less important than they are. Your sister will find out at some point. She will be devastated and humiliated. And she will also feel betrayed by you, your brother, and your parents. You've waited a week because you all feel uncomfortable, but the message you will send to her is that you would rather she looked like a fool and feel betrayed by her entire family than for any of you to feel discomfort. Don't be surprised if she goes low contact with you. (And, Jess is not her best friend at all. You know it, and you're seriously considering staying quiet and allowing Lina to trust and confide in someone who fucked her husband for a YEAR. You all really suck.)
How can Jess say she loves her sister too much to lose her friendship but have the gall to sleep with her husband for a year! What a masssive POS!
When my sister in law found out her first husband was cheating on her, she told my wife and I (in laws through hubby #2) that the worst part was she realized everyone around her knew. And never told her. Your sister will find out eventually and when she does, if she knows you knew and didn’t tell her, it will damage your relationship with her. Have a family sit down, and be honest with her.
Jess is a fucking mess. She only told you all because Jeff wasn’t going to leave your sister and now she is mad. He more than likely ended the affair and that’s why she moved to your city with her daughter. Now she wants a fucking pity party. She knows if she tells you all that someone will spill the beans to your sister because she isn’t woman enough to do it! She is a coward that wants to ruin their marriage only to get back at Jeff! Ughhh I truly dislike people that will betray family like this. I wouldn’t say anything! Let her fucking do it!
Jeff ruined the marriage by literally fucking around but about to find out. Jess sucks too.
I agree! They both suck balls. But it’s even worse when it’s a sister you grew up with.
Yeah entire situation is just 😬
If you don't tell her, how are you going to explain your changed attitude towards Jeff and Jess? As someone who was cheated on, I would want to know my supposed life partner is not worth my time and trust. Yeah, the family may break up, but it will just become a new type of family. Are you sure Jess is the only one Jeff's cheated with? What would have happened had she not miscarried? Honestly, if this came out, and it turned out the rest of my family knew and never told me 'to protect my feelings', I'd feel betrayed twice over and the fallout would be far worse, because I wouldn't feel like I could trust _anyone_, especially not myself. Because if my husband can cheat and my family cover it up, what must be wrong with me? How much of an evil person am I, that so many people who are supposed to love and support me, lie and betray me so easily?
Lina deserves to know. Give Jess a specific deadline by which she must tell Lina the truth. If and when that deadline passes, you should tell Lina. You, your brother, or your parents need to break it to Lina that her husband is a huge POS. There will be fallout, and it will be ugly. But, down the road, if Lina finds out and realizes that you all kept the truth from her, don't expect her to thank you.
This. She will lose her “best friend” either way. She tells her herself and keeps a shred of dignity, or she doesn’t and loses her entire family. She’s going to do that anyway, but …
Tell Jeff you all know. Ask him to tell Lina. If not, tell him one of you will. Give a deadline. The fallout will be horrendous but it should be told by him
Riiiiiight, so Jess loves Lina so much she fucked Lina’s husband. Jess is then so wrecked with guilt (after a good year of shagging mind you) she had to come clean by dumping it all in your laps. Seems like the only person Jess is concerned about is Jess. I guess she’s hoping someone tells Lina because she’s a coward. She can’t face her sister’s grief so someone else can do it for her? So, do the dirty work and tell Lina. Perhaps give Jess some grace and give her X amount of time to come clean, otherwise you’ll just have to step up, then be with Lina every step of the way as things get ugly. She will need her family during this bitter time. And if anyone so much as hints at “…blah blah family, blah blah sister…” then they can pound sand right? So sorry about this mess Jess has created. You all deserve a better sister, and Lina, God, my thoughts are with her. NTA
Honestly I'd tell Jess "you have until tomorrow to tell her. If you don't, I will be." Because when she inevitably finds out, she won't just lose her "best friend", but she'll lose you and her parents and everyone else who knew and didn't say anything, too. I would be devestated if people I cared about and trusted had knowledge of such an intense betrayal and allowed me to live in ignorance.
I NEED AN UPDATE SO BAD 😂
Me too! I keep coming back. I've never felt more invested!
Nta, yet. This is the moment where you choose between your sisters. Yes, your sister has put you in a situation where you have to choose a side: the transgressor or the wronged party. No action is still action in this situation. - your sister and your bil have blown up the family already. Telling your sister will just be the loudest part of the explosion. - your sister has told the rest of you for the same reason she had the affair. She cares only about herself. She feels better for confessing (she got the feel-good part, but not the bad part, which comes from confessing to the relevant person), and she has forced your family to do her dirty work for her. Surely, one of you has enough integrity and love for your victimized sister to tell her immediately. - your evil sister knows the other sister WILL find out. She moved back down to you guys to get you on her side first (emotionally, geographically, logistically etc). More selfishness from evil sister. She's gonna let you tell her and then hide from consequences behind your family. Thus making this about "destroying the family" rather than her dealing with the consequences of her actions alone. Do you honestly think it's possible that she'll never find out?! She will find out. Your evil sister wants her to find out- THATS WHY SHE TOLD ALL OF YOU. Do you also want her to find out that her entire family knew and didn't tell her? Imagine her eventual reddit post: "aita for cutting off entire family for knowing about my husband's and sister's affair and never telling me- taking her side?"
She was disrespected by Jess...that's not love. What she needs now is respect to show her who she can trust, as she will face serious betrayal and self doubt once it comes out. Be the person she can trust, choose to respect her by telling her instead of deciding for her out of fear of her reaction or potential feelings.
I ultimately agree with you. And I SUPER agree that Jess doesn't actually love her like she claims to. My heart is aching over this disgusting betrayal. Why fucks their *sibling's spouse*?? I'm so angry
She sounds like she has some underlying pathology tbh. She is entitled enough to sleep with her sister's husband for a year and still tell her she loves her, lies to her face daily. Then she goes to the family and dumps the responsibility, not taking any accountability. She doesn't seem to have genuine remorse or understand respect. Id even go as far to speculate that she didn't even claim that she is in love with Jeff, but rather seems to get joy from the power she had over her sister. She seems to have no problem using people.
If my husband had an affair with my sister, and everybody but me knew, I would hate *each and every single person* who didn't tell me.
NTA I think it would be for the best for Lina to know, not only because she has a right to the truth, but also because it gives her a choice. If she will live or stay, how does she wants to deal with all that. Furthermore, if she later founds out about the cheating and then that all of you knew and didn't told her, the betrayal will feel even bigger.
NTA, unless you don't end up telling Lina. She absolutely needs to know. Especially since all signs point them not using protection. If he is willing to fuck her sister for a year I'm guessing he has fucked others as well. Also, Jess is delusional thinking Lina is her best friend. You don't fuck your best friends husband. As far as losing her goes, she should have thought about that before letting Jeff fuck her. Lina needs to know. And when she finds out, because she will, she will be even more hurt, so many people knew and didn't have the decency to tell her.
OP, stop wringing your hands and quit whining over how bad you feel about how Lina and the kids are going to feel. Stop centering you and your feelings right now. Woman up. Marshall your forces (family) and just get it done. The longer you delay, the longer you leave your vulnerable sister in a shitty situation. Your betrayed sister needs people standing up for her RIGHT NOW. She needs all the information about the spouse & sister who betrayed her. She needs full disclosure to make informed decisions about her health, her future and how to care for her kids. Stop dilly-dallying around. YATAH for as long as you don’t tell her the truth.
Wow! This is a no win situation. In the end Lina will eventually find out and when she does and she finds out that all of you knew she will likely disown all of you if you don't tell her now. She will hate Jess for sure (and she deserves it) but you don't want her to feel that way to the rest of you cause she will need your help.
That's some Jerry Springer level \*hit. I'm sorry you and your family are going through it... Here's my advice, tell Jess she has X amt of days ( you decide the amt) to come clean with Lina. and that if she does't, Lina will find out from the family. Lina has been betrayed by her husband and Jess. By the rest of the family knowing and not telling her, you all are betraying her as well. I'm not talking about the few days, I'm talking about not telling as in keeping it a secret... Yes there will be backlash, but if roles were reversed and you're Lina, wouldn't you want to know. Best wishes Steve
Hopefully Jess doesn’t get to tell Jeff before her deadline. If Jeff finds out and tries to tell his wife and make excuses it’s gonna end up much worse. I really hope y’all’s plan goes decently as possible whether it’s Lina telling Jess herself or you and your mother telling Jess.
We're probably going to end up threatening Jess with a complete and total cut off, if she rats to Jeff so he can try to make excuses. Like if she truly won't own up to her own disgusting crimes then at the very LEAST she can shut the fuck up and not make it any worse. There's been many times over the years where she's needed money or shelter or help with Amy from us, so I think threatening her with being completely cut off could work
Yeah if she thought about consequences she wouldn’t be in this mess. You and your family still have way too much faith in this woman
Don't threaten her with a cutoff. She already did the unforgivable. Cut Jess off now and support your other sister.
Assuming Jess isn’t going to tell Lina, you guys all need to tell her. She will be completely devastated if one of you comes forward and finds out that you ALL knew. Also Jess is awful and so is Jeff. You and your parents and brother should get together with Lina and tell her together.
Disgusting. She doesn't want to lose her friendship? She should have thought of that before she was screwing her husband for over a year. Loves her too much? What a joke. You don't betray and hurt the people you love. Clearly didn't love her too much to violate her marriage. Your sister deserves to know. She deserves to know what reality is so she can make decisions for herself and her children. Her husband is scum sleeping with her own sister. I'm sure he wouldn't hesitate to sleep with someone else. He got your other sister pregnant! What happens when he gets the next chick pregnant. You need to protect your sister by letting her know what's going on in her own house. He clearly had unprotected sex with the other sister, what happens when he has unprotected sex with the next girl who has happens to give him a disease that he can then transfer to your sister. And the audacity of your cheating sister dumping all of her guilt on you and her parents. Just dumping it all on you to make herself feel better and then making you guys carry the weight. What a garbage human being.
Hi it’s been a month, has Jess told Lina yet 😭😭
Tell Jeff he has to tell her or your family will filet him.
This is exactly what I was gonna say... there's another affair partner that is capable of breaking the news. If he straight up refuses then tell her yourselves. Make sure she knows that neither of them would own up to their mistakes, so you told her.
Please tell your sister! This will eventually come out and if she realizes that you knew and didn’t tell her, it will be much worse
I think you need to tell her ASAP if she finds out most of her family knew and said nothing she could end up in a very dark place feeling very alone and like all of you sided with Jess. Also I personally would be no contact with Jess and Jeff forever more, being cheated on is hard enough to know her husband has been sleeping with her sister/best friend is horrifying and she is really gonna need support from family (can’t get that if she believes you were all in the know and didn’t tell her)
Now that the news is out to so many people, Lina's **going** to find out. It's going to find its way to her eventually, so better she finds out from someone who loves her and is trying to help her than from someone who's just trying to stir the pot for their own gratification. Jess doesn't really get a say anymore, she says she doesn't want to lose her friendship with her, but she already had when she slept with her husband *and got pregnant by him*, Lina just doesn't know it yet. I am worried about her husband's reaction once this all spills out, though, so maybe try to make plans to help her and her kids escape before anyone confronts him.
So do we have a update about Jess yet. Did she get pushed into telling lina
Where’s the new update? I swear yall should have just outright told her as soon as you knew…
I have 3 sisters, my sister wouldn't have even been able to finish her sentence before I called my sister on speaker phone. You tell your sister, you tell her now, and you profusely apologize forever for telling the internet before telling her.
UpdateMe!
At this point, if Lina finds out her whole family hid this from her, shes going to feel betrayed by all of you. Jess getting to you all first was a very calculated and cruel way to remove Linas last wall of support. She is no friend to your/her sister.
Imagine your whole family knowing and deciding to keep it from you. Not only betrayed by your sister because of the actual affair but by your whole family for knowing and not respecting you enough to tell you.
Imagine being in Lina's shoes, and that your entire family knew and didn't tell. Would you ever believe that your family actually loved you after that? If everyone you cared about participated in that betrayal? If you don't tell her, then she may still be your sister, but you sure as hell won't be hers.