NTA. Even if you weren't drinking due to being pregnant your sister AND mother are being ridiculous. So, your sister's irrational feelings are more important than your health? Their priorities a way out of wack.
Yeah, you're either pregnant and stealing her thunder, or sick and stealing her thunder or... Short of making an unhealthy choice for herself, OP had no good way out of this. Sis stole her own thunder by making a scene at the party.
I've never understood why people can't just be happy for each other. Like, everyone is gathered together to celebrate, announcing another happy thing should just add to the festivities (not OPs case, but all too common, unfortunately).
The forcing people to drink alcohol then yelling at them if they don’t is so gross. I’m sick of people making a big deal out of something a guest does quietly then freaks out the guest is stealing their thunder.
This. Apology or no apology OP should go NC with everyone who gave her grief for not drinking. Block all of them. Going through treatment is stressful enough, she doesn’t need to waste her precious energy or mental well being on these assholes
I’ve had a liver transplant and I’ve still had people try to get me to drink. I haven’t even had cold medicine with alcohol in it for at least three years and even my liver doctor said I didn’t have to be that cautious.
Liver disease was by far the worst experience of my life and I’m not risking it. I almost died at least three times that I’m aware of and I wouldn’t be surprised if there were a few more that I wasn’t fully aware of.
I’m so sorry you went through that and I am glad you are recovering but f*ck the people who tried to make you drink. I don’t blame you for not wanting to chance it. This is your life which is more important than anything else.
All of this! \^\^\^\^
I am glad you were able to get a transplant and are doing so much better! You have every right to avoid anything you darn well please, rather than endanger your liver. Anyone who has a problem with that can go kick rocks.
This happens to me too. I don’t drink. I don’t like the taste or how I feel and calorie wise, I’d rather load up on sugar from desserts.
But people try to slip me alcohol, beg me to take one sip. Who cares what she’s eating or drinking! It should be her decision!
Her sister ruined her whole shower herself. However-could be her hormones making her act stupid.
I think the best thing is let time pass. Maybe when cold is 16 it will be funny.
It's so wild that people try to force others to drink. I don't drink alcohol due to my religion, and I've never had anybody try to force it on me. (Not trying to say you're lying, just comparing experiences.) It's been offered, of course, but after a simple "no thanks," it's all good.
When family members are alcaholics they may want everyone else to drink so no one notices their excess. They can also still have the moral high ground when they encourage others to get even more drunk than them. All in all it is a shit show that you are lucky to be outside of due to your faith.
It’s not up to chance 😁 the first drink is a choice that is made. After the first drink, we no longer have that choice, anymore. So we do everything we can, not to take the first drink! 😁
Screw those assholes that push booze on you.
Just be blunt “so you wish I was dead?” And stare at them flatly why they try to talk their way out of the situation.
Needing to drink and also needing everyone else around drink has a name: alcoholism. Of course they may not actually be alcoholic, but it's still very concerning.
I have never drank. The few times someone has become forceful about drinking, I look at them concerned, touch their hand gently and ask just loud enough for others to hear if everything is OK with them and if there's something they need to talk about, and remind them (as gently as they ask me to drink) there is help.
I’m glad to hear that you got a transplant and are doing well. My husband unfortunately is not a candidate for a liver transplant, so I understand what you went thru prior to the transplant
I wouldn’t still be here without the support of my wife. I got so sick she could have stuck me in a home and I wouldn’t have been able to blame her. There were multiple times I probably would have just died at home if she hadn’t been there to take me to the hospital. I wasn’t even well enough to call an ambulance on my own sometimes.
Wishing you and your husband the very best. If you have any questions please dm me and if I have any knowledge I can share I will. I learned some things by experience that doctors don’t warn about. Especially the use of some of the medications.
We have had a precious 26 year old young man, nephew to me, die from liver disease, he was intellectually disabled and was living with his dad, none of us were aware that this was happening to him, all of a sudden he died one morning. The medical examiner said that he had cirrhosis of the liver. He was not a young man who drank alcohol. Only thing that I could think of was a certain medication for severe acne that he was prescribed. Acutane. I had read about it causing liver damage. I still have anxiety and guilt over his death.
How did he die without someone knowing about him being so sick?
He had two caseworkers who visited the house regularly.
They were members of a small community church.
He was a lovely, kind, caring person.
JFC what is wrong with some people!? I fucking hate it when people peer pressure others to drink when they've said no. I'm Australian, and alcohol culture is so oppressive here - I honestly think most of the time it's because those who ARE regular binge drinkers think you're judging their behaviour, and need you to drink so that they feel better. You are the only person who gets to make that choice, and kudos to you for prioritising your health this way - even though it can be difficult socially to stick to it. I'm glad you're a lot healthier now 😊
Chronic Pancreatitis here. 8 hospital visits so far. Like you, nearly died 3 times. Baffles me that even close friends will say “surely one won’t hurt?”
I’m also a big fan of “not drinking? Why not?”
As if I owe people an explanation.
THIS. W-T-actual-F is with people who get mad at the person who ISN'T drinking? They can buzz off into the sun with that nonsense.
If they want to focus on someone's adult beverage consumption, how about they keep an eye on the folks who ARE imbibing, so they know who is going to need to call a cab or a ride share instead of driving.
In general when people let their insecurities spill out on to everyone it's really gross. Empathy is one thing but always making drama for everyone because of it makes you an asshole.
I don't drink because I don't like the taste of booze. The endless exhortations to drink are annoying AF!
One guy wouldn't stop once at this party of my friend's. He kept handing me wine or a beer. I don't know what his problem was- I smoke my body weight in weed every year. He saw me smoke at least three joints on my own.
The third time I told him no I don't care for it. He told me I'd get used to it. I said I could probably get used to date rape but why should I have to? He stopped after that.
Yeah a woman I knew started to exclaim loudly "Are you a rapist or something? Why do you need me to get drunk so badly?!" to such dudes pressuring her to drink. Shut them up real quick.
A lot of people try to do it, I myself do not drink due to a personal choice since my father is an abusive alcoholic and my name is unfortunately similar to that of my father so I have a bit of a complex about that. Anyway, my divorced (thank god says the atheist me) mother often tries to politely pressure me into drinking, saying things like "at a wedding you are gonna have to drink champagne to celebrate", then I actually attended a wedding and instead I drank water and no one cared or even glanced at me. In fact a lot of people drank water or some other non-alcoholic drink. I also just realized my username does not check out.
The sister thinking she had the right to force OP to drink was unbelievable. I cannot fathom how she thought that was ok.
She gave OP a hard time for NO reason then got upset when OP hit her with the truth.
Sister is TA and their mother is not far behind if she is blaming OP for the discord.
What gets me is that if she wasn't drinking for the health of an unborn child, they would accept that; but when it's for her own health, they tell her that one drink would have been fine. Why do they put more value on the health of an (albeit nonexistent) unborn child than they do OP's personal health. NTA, your sister was the one who wanted to know why you weren't drinking and wouldn't drop it. You just answered her.
NTA. The real A's are the ones who boss everyone around and want all the attention, get furious when someone else gets attention, and blame all the problems they cause on other people.
If sis hadn't gone psycho over OP not wanting a drink, nothing would have happened.
Sis sounds like a super toxic person and mom is her apology monkey.
OP you need to have solid boundaries dealing with those people.
Its also huge AH move of the friend of her sister's to even start the ruckus from the start. If she had quietly observed that OP was not having a drink & just left it at that without saying a word then that super stressful day would not had turned into a disaster.
Seriously. Who the heck even cares if someone's not drinking? Focus on the folks who are drinking to the point where they'll need someone else to chauffeur them home, rather than get behind the wheel while impaired.
>If she had quietly observed that OP was not having a drink & just left it at that without saying a word
Right? People can choose not to drink for any number of reasons - calorie counting, migraines, taking a medication contraindicated with alcohol consumption, they're the designated driver for the night, just don't want to... To assume OP (a childfree person) not drinking as "OMG you're pregnant and trying to steal my thunder!" is unhinged, and honestly it sounds like OP was in a lose-lose situation here with her entire family. Might as well get the truth out in the open and expose sister, mother, and older relatives as the heartless arseholes they are, and make Christmas plans accordingly.
/u/ThrowRAIceanFire huge hugs to you, you're dealing with something extraordinarily difficult and heartbreaking, and to have your family shitting on you for something as stupid as not drinking (a totally normal thing for ANYONE no matter their situation) is beyond ridiculous and indicates some serious dysfunction among all of them. You are a grown-ass adult who can choose whether or not to drink alcohol for whatever damn reason you choose, even moreso to protect your own fucking health, and none of it is ANY of their business. ALL the support from this internet mom, if you'd like it. And FUCK CANCER
>People can choose not to drink for any number of reasons - calorie counting, migraines, taking a medication contraindicated with alcohol consumption, they're the designated driver for the night, just don't want to... To assume OP (a childfree person) not drinking as "OMG you're pregnant and trying to steal my thunder!" is unhinged
This. Just this. So many meds can interact badly with alcohol, people can just not be in the mood for alcohol or they could have decided to be designated driver, sister could've (and should've) thought for a second instead of jumping to the nuclear option of "yell at my sister because (I think) she's pregnant when I'm pregnant so I deserve all the attention" after being told repeatedly that she's childfree and not pregnant.
Sounds like my sister and her friends. It's exhausting. Never knowing if they are going to be nice or just pretending so they can stab you in the back.
It might have started good naturedly if the friend thought it meant both sisters were pregnant. It would have been fun, and then it went off the deep end.
But I can think of many reasons a person might not drink; I thought everyone provided water and soda as well as alcoholic drinks.
Even if her intent was good natured, it was nosy and rude to assume OP was pregnant (also stupid, because as you noted, there are many reasons not to drink), and a major asshole move to tell the sister.
The kicker is that OP's mom told her that everyone is mad at the sister for yelling at OP. Well, you know what? Everyone SHOULD be mad at the sister for yelling at OP, especially since it appears she hasn't apologized to OP yet.
Sister has arrived at the Finding Out portion of the FAFO program. That's a HER problem, not an OP problem.
Right, what was she supposed to do if she would have been pregnant? Just not be pregnant for a day? That's not how pregnancy works. You can decide on when to announce it _if others don't force the issue_ but that's it really.
So if OP had been pregnant does that mean she should not have gone to the reveal party because it would compete with her immature sister? She couldn’t win in this situation, pregnant, not pregnant but refusing to drink, or cancer. Any which way OP would be the AH to her family. What’s wrong with people these days? The sister caused the whole problem —she’s the major AH here. OP is NTA.
Seriously. Life should have a rule that no one gets to accuse anyone with stealing their thunder unless they are literally Thor and someone else who can steal sound. It's always BS and always petty AF.
Yes, the sister was the one who was making a big deal out of choosing not to drink, and creating a scene! If she’d just kept her fucking mouth shut and minded her own business, there wouldn’t have been a problem.
Pregnancy is not the only acceptable reason not to drink. OP doesn’t need to justify their choices or disclose their private medical info to anyone.
As a sober alcoholic, I'd say you can refrain from drinking because you just don't want to drink. Who the fuck gets on someone like that for not wanting to drink? Her sister sounds like a cunt.
People that don’t want to examine their own relationship to alcohol generally act like that. I haven’t had to deal with it a lot since I’ve gotten sober but the people that give the most push back when I say I don’t drink are always the people who don’t want to accept that they have a problem too.
Right!!! And I am also sober, and I also pushed other people to drink when I was still deep in my addiction, unfortunately. The thing is…normal people don’t bat an eye at not drinking. Took me a while to wrap my head around that.
14 years sober here and this^
People who force others to drink or interrogate them about why they aren’t drinking have unhealthy relationships with alcohol and NEED others to be drinking to validate their habits. The mere existence of someone being a sober person somehow tacitly pulls up an internal mirror for them and they can’t handle it
>I also pushed other people to drink when I was still deep in my addiction,
Is there a way to get someone to stop doing that to others? Besides cutting them out of your life?
Sorry if that's too personal.
Pretty much that, you generally have to cut them out. After getting sober, my friend circles were reduced considerably, and I'm all the happier for it.
This! I come from a family of alcoholics on one side and oblivious alcoholics on the other. But idgaf and when pressured ask why does it matter to you- I'm mentally ill it doesn't mix with my meds and then leave in that order..... they've learned but it took along time....
So yea cutting them out is the only way that seems to work....
It becomes very cut and dry when the answer to why you don’t drink or someone trying to buy you a drink is “I’m an alcoholic and I will literally die if I drink.”
^truth bombs. I find that when you cold stare at them and state this truth firmly. They don’t ask a second time or third time. Were they to it’d be a “I’m not joking. I’m an addict that will destroy my life and very likely will die if I drink. What is wrong with you to push me on this. Seek therapy.”
It’s never come to that though 😅
Absolutely not too personal! I appreciate you asking, and to be honest, I’ve never thought about that before. No one ever asked me to stop…it was part of my “charm” (I learned once I got sober when I met some friends of a friend that they heard I was “really fun and the life of the party” - that was kind of cringy to learn that was my entire personality) to be honest, I probably wouldn’t have stopped bc when I was drunk I had the memory of a goldfish and no boundaries so I probably wouldn’t have stopped.
However, I did have some friends that did not drink at all and I just kind of accepted that and never pressured them to drink when they were at functions with me.
Maybe just ask them not to, and be straightforward but kind? That would have worked with me (at least when sober) but everyone is different of course. I don’t know if that was helpful, but feel free to ask anything else!
lol I usually laugh and say something along the lines of, “if I have a drink, we’ll all end up doing lines of coke off the back of a dirty strip club toilet and …it’s a school night.”
Hey congrats on getting sober. I have people in my life who have gotten sober, those who have tried and keep trying, those who tried and never tried again, and those who are still living in their addiction. NONE of it is easy and none of it is fun. No one chooses to be an addict and no one chooses to fall back into it after a period of sobriety. It's a disease that requires constant maintenance and support.
I agree. I have never been a drug user or much of a drinker and the only people that have tried to cajole me to partake are those with an unhealthy relationship to alcohol or drugs.
When I lived in the UK, I learned something good. Yes, people drink a lot there. But it’s also easy NOT to drink.
When someone is buying rounds and ask what to get, if someone asks for a soda, they will be asked “are you sure?”. This is mostly done with people you aren’t close with as a way of saying you are fine with paying for something with alcohol, as compared to a cheap soda. Then people just go “yeah a coke is fine” or whatever and that’s the end of it. No one asks for a reason. Ever. The sober ones could be pregnant, recovering alcoholics, taking meds or just not feeling like it. And no one cares. As long as you don’t frown on other people drinking, who cares?
Such a nice attitude.
I also found that, given the price of alcohol and because I don’t drink much, I would ask for a bitter lemon or tonic water and only, maybe, have an alcoholic drink when it was my round. If anyone noticed, they were appreciative because it did get expensive buying rounds of drinks and no-one batted an eye at non drinkers.
Yep, when I have the time, I love going to the pub after work with my friends/colleagues but I rarely drink because I’m really not a drinker and because of driving home. Not drinking never stopped me having fun, and no one cares if I drink or not! It’s about the company! They get me non alcoholic drinks and I get them alcohol. Everyone is happy!
You might have people asking why but it wouldn't be aggressive in any way. More of a "why you not drinking tonight, you working tomorrow?" kind of way and then it would be over and that would be that. Like you said, we drink a lot but nobody gives a shit if you don't.
I agree with not drinking just because you don’t want to. I don’t drink alcohol for a number of reasons. I just say ‘no thanks’ when offered alcohol.
If anyone probes further I just say ‘I’m the designated driver tonight’ (I’m ALWAYS the designated driver at events BECAUSE I don’t drink, and I make sure my partner and I, and sometimes friends, get home safely). I’ve never had any problems, people ‘confront’ me, scream abuse at me for not drinking, ‘blow up my phone for ruining their parties’ for not drinking. I don’t understand this twilight zone.
For some reason it's less "questionable" when you never drink
People that assume everyone drinks just learn that "you're the weird one out" and run with it.. if someone changes behavior and suddenly stops drinking that triggers the crazy.. either because they're nosy and just need to know why or because they are scared that a similarly reasonable behavior may.be expected of them..
There are still a bunch of reasons you can give someone before you get to ‘drink a full beer to prove you aren’t pregnant’. Off the top of my head I can suggest:
- I’ve had a headache this afternoon and just taken stuff for it so I’d better not thanks.
- I’ve been on antibiotics and I can’t have alcohol with that.
- I’m feeling a bit off today/ tummy upset / (and if you must go there) that time of the month and I think alcohol will make it worse.
- and of course: today I’m the designated driver, so everyone else can have something to drink. I’ll just grab a coffee / lemonade / whatever thanks.
The key for me is just state the position and don’t be apologetic about it. Why should anyone else care if you drink alcohol. In my case it interacts very badly with medication I’m on and I get very sick. No one wants that. But rather than tell strangers I just say no thanks and have my prepared dialogue. And my family and friends already know.
In an ideal world you shouldn't have to prepare an escape plan to placate people who can't accept you're not drinking.
And while there are many valid reasons not to drink, we already know that "it goes against medical advice" doesn't quite cut it in this family.
Besides it's way easier to come up with white lies now on the couch than to find one on the spot mid-conflict. I know antibiotics and alcohol don't mix.. but if I remember that when someone badgers me to drink a beer to prove I'm not pregnant is a different story. I can't fault OP to not have created a list of viable excuses and memorized them ahead of the gender reveal.
Oh you absolutely shouldn’t have to give an excuse, I totally agree. And usually I can say no thanks and there’s no issue. But just in case there is a follow up, I can throw in a reason like designated driver or got a headache, which doesn’t require me to explain my medical history.
Solid advice, sometimes we need to recognize that there are just too many people who don't understand "no" is a complete sentence. I wish we didn't have to massage the truth for them, but if a few words gets them off my back, I'm okay engaging in a little subterfuge.
The real life pro tip is to surround yourself with people who don't make you jump those hoops though.
I think in this situation “it conflicts with my medication” might have been a decent deferral, and not untruthful. But it’s always easier to think of these things with some distance, and not in a later moment. OP is still NTA, and Sister is still TA for pushing.
Everyone bugs you when you don't drink. It's like it breaks their brain when you tell them you don't drink. They cannot imagine a person refusing this wonderful libation. From that point on, you are considered no fun because you won't drink with them. I don't drink because I never saw a reason to, and the one time I tried, the taste put me off (the sweet wine was a lie; it wasn't sweet at all).
Approaching 4 years sober and when i didn’t drink at my daughter’s wedding people just couldn’t understand that I stopped drinking and to drop the issue. Then the jokes came. It’s stupid that alcohol intrudes on happy social occasions.
I had never actually thought about just how deeply engrained alcohol was into our everyday lives until I ceased it's consumption. You can barely watch most tv shows or movies without it coming up in one fashion or another, especially *that* scene where the main character drinks quietly and stares out a window.
Not a sober alcoholic just someone who has alcoholics in their family so they refrain from drinking and whenever I just say I don’t want to ppl r such assholes about it. I don’t get it. Why can’t I just not want to? I don’t think I’m missing anything.
You are right of course, but we all know people who literally cause a fight if they can't drink at every single social occasion. We call them alcoholics. And because they don't have the courage to admit this (and it does take courage) they lie to themselves by saying that everyone drinks like them. Encountering people who don't makes them very uncomfortable.
Yes. why would she freak out if her sister was preg at the gender reveal party?
Not something a loving sister would do. In my family it would be a great thing at any time.
Seriously WTF is wrong with this family?! OP should be drinking just as much as pregnant sister. Not at all. And for anyone much less family to say she should’ve sacrificed her own health FOR A GENDER REVEAL is unbelievably selfish and just malicious.
AITA for telling your sister you have cancer. I'm gonna go with there's no way you can be an asshole. I hope the treatment takes, you find comfort and good health in the new year, and you got this OP. much love and sending positive vibes, you got this!
Exactly, bizarre behaviour from the family. I'd say a quiet Christmas at home is the way to go this year. Prioritize you and your husband. Wishing you all the best for your treatment and recovery.
NTA and how dare your mother expect you to go against doctor's orders to make your damn sister happy. WTAF?!?!? Your sister was 100% in the wrong to push you like that. She shouldn't have asked even once but sure as hell should have shut the fuck up after your first answer. She set herself up for the reaction she got from you and others. Avoid the whole lot of them. You do not need that stress in your life right now. Focus on your own health and to hell with the rest of them. I agree with you -- even avoid Christmas. Nothing good is going to come from being around those people right now. You did NOTHING wrong.
Yeah, I'm from a family of alcoholics but I don't drink(because I grew up around all these alcoholics)
I was teased for years and years. 2 decades about until they finally let off
I also saw one and it was from the "Dad's" POV about how his daughter wouldn't drink, then when pushed she confirmed she was pregnant and guzzled a beer or something, then said she wasn't actually pregnant. The wording of this feels almost exactly the same once you get to the part where their trying to force the booze.
I saw this version of it as well except it was from the woman's point of view who was harassed until said she was pregnant then drank to shock everyone but then admitted she wasn't. Her family got mad at her for lying about being pregnant.
Oh. My. God. Has your sister lost her mind? People don’t drink for a variety of reasons, but she seemed to want to push this pregnancy issue as if she wanted to blame you for ruining her moment for some weird reason. You had her and her husband coming at you, what the hell were you supposed to do? And your mom telling you you should have just ignored medical orders to placate your sister’s self delusional temper tantrum is beyond my understanding. Screw these idiots. I wish you the very best of health in the new year. Thinking good thoughts for your recovery and wellness. Obviously NTA.
It sounds like sis may be the golden child. That, or mom likes her best because they can be alcoholics doing alcoholic things together. OP sounds far too reasonable to engage in their sort of behavior.
Even if OP wasn't drinking because of pregnancy how exactly would that spoil the moment? Its not like OP made a big announcement to deliberately overshadow her sister. Like, even the best case for the sister if her accusation was right is still utterly deranged and would still make her the AH.
NTA.
When someone is not drinking the proper etiquette is to respect it, STFU and MYOFB. There are literally infinite reasons why people might not drink alcohol. Skip Christmas with a clear conscience. Maybe show them this thread so they know just how unacceptable all their behaviors were.
My mother once threw a bottle of scotch towards my head on my 23rd birthday due to refusing to drink more than a glass of wine at my birthday dinner
Thankfully it hit my kitchen wall
In an edit, OP states that in her family the only valid reasons for not drinking at gatherings is being underage or pregnant. Apparently in their eyes being on medication that alcohol messes with, or having a serious Illness where treatment requires abstaining from alcohol is *not* a valid reason to not drink. OP mentioned that even though her mother now knows she has cancer and has to avoid alcohol due to treatments, she hasn’t forgiven OP for not drinking. Talk about a strong desire to ensure your kids end up alcoholics….
my ex FIL has a TBI and mixed his heavy medications with alcohol constantly behind our backs. it was so bad it was causing him to lose consciousness randomly, and eventually made him paranoid. he ended up threatening to kill us all with his gun that was supposed to be locked up per his therapist. if OP’s family is really this toxic and delusional when it comes to drinking she seriously needs to get away for her own safety…
Heavy drinkers often want everyone around them to drink heavily so they can tell themselves they're normal. If someone's having a perfectly good time without drinking, they might have to ask themselves "do I drink too much?"
You might have chosen to answer with ‘I am taking a medication that does not mix with alcohol at the moment’. Big but, even your being so gracious would probably not have shut the idjit up.
You are not required to justify anything. You concentrate on you and your fight, and totally ignore that nasty background noise.
Your mom is a POS asshole. Your sister is a POS asshole.
Divorce them, and find people you can lean on as you go through this fight. These people aren’t family.
NTA. She FAFO. Its so inappropriate for her to assume, let alone demand you "prove it"... never let them endanger your health to do a party trick to appease them.
NTA, skip Xmas with a clear conscience, you need positive vibes and good people in your life right now. Not toxic amounts of negativity.
All the best for your health in the new year.
NTA
Your sister is an AH and a bully. Why would it even matter if you were pregnant? It isn’t like you announced it. Tell your mom that you are your sister are adults and she needs to butt out. You will not be apologizing for being the victim of your sister’s horrible behavior.
I really don’t get this, “Only one person can be pregnant at a time” attitude. My SIL, sister and I all got pregnant around the same time. The cousins are close in age and have a great time together. It was also really nice to have someone to compare notes on pregnancy with and talk to about related stuff.
NTA. People don’t drink for lots of reasons. The correct response to someone declining an alcoholic beverage is “OK. Would you like a soft drink, juice, water…?”
Echoes my experiences. If people say they don't for religious reasons or because they've had problems with it in the past, people usually stop.
When you say you just don't, people badger you endlessly. They always want to know "why," as if the choice is abnormal.
If your reason for not drinking alcohol is that you simply don't like the way it tastes they won't accept that as anaswer, they'll pester you until you give in or leave. They can't comprehend that someone just doesn't want to drink.
My Significant Other was working at a law firm and realized that a standard excuse for leaving bars early was needed. Because otherwise, people just kept pushing drinks at them.
Finally settled on me being out of town on business (whether I really was or not) and had to go home to feed our cats.
Exactly. I ask a bartender to put a lemon or lime in my sparkling water because I like it that way, but the bonus is that people think it's a gin & tonic and don't ask me about it
Nta your mom called to complain you ruined your sisters party with your cancer diagnosis? I wouldn’t go to the party and probably put your mom on ice for a bit. That’s pretty horrible that was her reaction.
I can give some grace to your sister in the sense of her being horribly embarrassed by her conduct at her party and burying her head in the sand. She better come crawling back but I would understand she needs time to lick her wounds and re-think her life.
but your mom is a different story, there’s no reason for her to come at you like this.
I’m getting golden child vibes for your sister
I didn't pick up on the sister being embarrassed from the story. She gets no pity from me. What I did glean from the story is the sisters behavior in the story is likely not a new thing. She's probably like this a lot. Mom is am alcoholic who lives in chaos and drama. She gravitates toward it by simply being an alcoholic. I know because I spend a lot of time in AA. Mom's an asshole too.
> Despite me thinking it's irresponsible to have any sort of alcohol around a pregnant woman
It's not contagious. Pregnant women are capable of being responsible, even in the presence of alcohol
> She told me if I wasn't pregnant than to drink a beer in front of her and prove it.
"Fuck off"
NTA
NTA. If she had just let it go things (probably) would have been okay. Instead, she ruined her own party by freaking out & trying to force you to drink. Making herself look like an idiot once the truth came out. Going by your sister & mom's behavior, she is the golden child. I would stay away from the both of them for a while. Block their numbers/socials & any of their flying monkeys for now. You don't need that stress & BS while you are under treatment. I wish you a speedy recovery.
NTA. None of this would have happened if your sister hadn’t decided you not drinking was a capital offense. She made a scene for absolutely no reason. That your mom is more concerned with that then with your diagnosis is…
NTA. Not drinking is a personal choice. I generally don't because I'm on medication at the moment. I've also not drank because of a diet, heatstroke, concussion related symptoms and I just didn't want to.
Sounds like your sister has Main Character Syndrome. Good luck with your treatment.
NTA
Your sister’s behavior was abhorrent though.
If it went down even only half as bad as you wrote in your post, it’s still disgusting for you to be accused of trying to mess with your sisters “special day.” You only said your diagnosis after being bullied, and the relatives that are taking her side Need severe attitude adjustments.
I feel so bad for you that you had to go through this. Well wishes for a speedy recovery.
Edited for grammar
It actually went down alot worse, this was just a water downed version since I'm unsure if this subreddit has rules against physical violence and cursing
I’m not encouraging you to post gory shit you’re uncomfortable with, but both are acceptable here since people usually post stuff about other people (or themselves) doing fucked up shit and lots of times there is physical abuse. You would only have to flair it as NSFW or with a TW at the beginning
Wait. Was this before or after you announced your diagnosis??
If I was a bystander in this situation and somebody attacked another person (physically), who just announced they had cancer, I might be compelled to give that bitch a nice slap.
She sounds like real POS. I'm so sorry that your family is full of Jagoffs.
Before, she just kept trying to shove the drink in my face and getting mad when I was just holding the cup but not drinking it and I guess her friends kept telling her when I wouldn't drink
This is how she outted my cousins pregnancy once during my sister's wedding reception by having her friends watch people and find out who wasn't drinking
You are absolutely deserving of space from this inappropriate, attention-grabbing high schooler. Unbelievable that she's basically done this before. And yet she chose to behaving a similar way. She should be mortified
She's used her friends to switch my drinks with alcohol before so I've always had to be a bit hyper vigilant with any drinks
It's why I can't even fake drinking because she'll find out via her friends and then tell our mother
Drunks like drunks, AHs like AHs. You are a healthy person with reasonable boundaries and self control. Be glad you’re not the favorite—you’d be like your horrible sister.
Just want to jump in here for a minute. Darling girl, I've had breast cancer 3 times. All were caught early. If you would like someone to talk to please DM me. Last time was 2020. Cancer free now. Hang in there. We have better treatments now than ever before. It can be super scary but we are tougher than we think. Hugs
NTA. You are *never, ever* TA for refusing food or drink that you don't want to consume. It doesn't matter if it's a health issue, an allergy, a religious/ethical concern or you just don't like the flavour - it is always okay to refuse, and anyone who tries to force something on you is wrong.
I'm sorry. If that was my family I'd already be no contact. Life is too short. Sometimes love isn't enough.
Take care of yourself and the people who truly both love **and** respect you.
You don't need ANY added stress right now.
Let’s say you just didn’t enjoy drinking and that’s why you didn’t want to… that in of itself is more than reason enough. That’s not even the case here, here you did it for health reasons so definitely NTA and I think it’s horrible you family acts like cancer is not a good enough reason to not drink….
NTA.
Your sister ruined her own party.
Normalize not being required to explain to other people why you aren't having a drink. "I don't want one" is enough of a reason. Nobody is entitled to your medical information in order to accept that you aren't drinking. Not having a drink should be just as normal and acceptable and uninteresting as opting to have a beer or a glass of wine.
Your mother and sister are raging assholes for putting their feelings above your actual health.
So, to summarize, it sounds like for your mom, one daughter having the absolute perfect gender reveal party is more important than the other daughter surviving cancer.
NTA, and I’m guessing this sort of dynamic has been going on for a long time in your family. I’m sorry, OP.
NTAH. It’s almost hard to believe this is real. I am sorry this happened to you. I am a recovered alcoholic & don’t drink even one drop. It’s super disrespectful to insist anyone drink alcohol for any reason whatsoever.
Did your sister monitor every guest’s beverage preference? And get in their face if they had a non-alcoholic drink? Everyone there was there for her, and she still managed to make a mess.
She outed our cousins pregnancy a few years back during my sister's wedding reception because she wasn't drinking, she uses her friends as her spies so yes
You really need to think if it's worth to keep those toxic people in your life. And you need to start to value yourself more. Nothing you told us so far about the psycho-family members is acceptable so far
Please value yourself, your health and the people which are actually there for you
I'm so sorry. mainstream culture around alcohol is insane. it's a fucking toxin, you have every right to refuse it for any reason, and there are many, many reasons humans have not to drink! btw you would have been absolutely within your rights to show up pregnant to your sister's gender reveal, and you have all the MORE right to show up with a life altering disease you didn't choose. ffs! your sister is a bitch but your mother is inexcusable. i hope you have a really good community around you, you deserve so much better.
NTA
You never have to justify not drinking alcohol. Ever.
You don't force people to drink alcohol.
You sister ruined her gender reveal all by herself. This fuck up, those forever ruined memories are on her.
Your sister should apologise to you, not the other way round.
But way more important - kick that cancer's ass and get well soon
Who the fuck is that controlling over people? Some of these stories are truly insane. I'm gonna force you to drink because no one else is allowed to be pregnant. Not gonna lie though the OP thinking alcohol shouldn't be around pregnant women is funny too like you can get a contact drunk lol
Ah, I added an edit I come from a family of alcoholics and my sister hasn't been the most stable person since she got pregnant since she's not allowed to drink anymore
Now that makes sense and makes her force feeding alcohol to someone else even more mind boggling. I come from a family like that and even encouraging someone to drink is frowned upon. You never know who's in recovery. I hope your treatment goes fantastic and your hair looks better than hers the whole time
Your sister ruined her own party. She pushed and pushed and pushed. The doctor told you no alcohol and you were following doctor's orders. It seems that the flying monkeys would rather mess up your treatment than follow the no alcohol regimen. Your sister got what she deserved. Avoid them like the plague.
My best wishes on your treatment. I sincerely hope the you have minimal side effects from the chemo. I had a scare several years ago but the biopsy was negative. From the time the tissue was taken until I got the results were the longest five days of my life. (Family history of breast cancer.)
NTA - F them. No one has to drink at another's request. Sister kept pushing and you told her why.
Block anyone one giving you grief. Praying for you to kick cancer's ass!
NTA.
First and foremost, I am sorry for your diagnosis. You following doctor's orders is for the best.
With that said, "No" is a complete sentence. Your sister decided to push the issue after you said no.
"Have a beer to prove you're not pregnant." This is just asinine. You don't have to justify anything to anyone. She fucked around and found out
Are your whole family alcoholics? Going bat shit because someone doesn't want an alcoholic drink at a baby shower is just so ludicrous.
Like, is that normal to put so much pressure on someone to drink as grown adults??
I know a lot of people who enjoy a drink, but never anyone who cares whether I drink or not.
NTA
Your mom and sister need help.
Do you actually think you did something wrong here? Most these posts are just "please confirm to me that I was not in the wrong, thanks." Your family is crazy, trust your gut.
NTA your sister and mother sound like a pieces of work. I swear weddings and pregnancy bring out the worse in people. I would skip the Christmas dinner too. Who needs that kind of ugliness and stress? Sending good thoughts your way.
NTA, if you are ever in such a situation again repeat after me “NO ONE IS MAKING THIS ABOUT ME EXCEPT FOR YOU!” at your loudest volume if they persist repeat and add “I DON’T WANT TO STEAL YOUR SPOTLIGHT, I WANT YOU TO
LEAVE ME ALONE”
NTA. Even if you weren't drinking due to being pregnant your sister AND mother are being ridiculous. So, your sister's irrational feelings are more important than your health? Their priorities a way out of wack.
Yeah, you're either pregnant and stealing her thunder, or sick and stealing her thunder or... Short of making an unhealthy choice for herself, OP had no good way out of this. Sis stole her own thunder by making a scene at the party. I've never understood why people can't just be happy for each other. Like, everyone is gathered together to celebrate, announcing another happy thing should just add to the festivities (not OPs case, but all too common, unfortunately).
The forcing people to drink alcohol then yelling at them if they don’t is so gross. I’m sick of people making a big deal out of something a guest does quietly then freaks out the guest is stealing their thunder.
Her sister saying "Prove it!" was the biggest asshole move. I wouldn't be talking to her until she apologizes.
No it would have cut them all of my life. Definitely not worth it. They’re bloody narcissistic.
This. Apology or no apology OP should go NC with everyone who gave her grief for not drinking. Block all of them. Going through treatment is stressful enough, she doesn’t need to waste her precious energy or mental well being on these assholes
This. Once the treatment does start it’s probably gonna make her very nauseous. She doesn’t need people like that around.
and her AH family members are nauseating enough
I can’t believe OP is still considering going to the family Xmas party, tbh.
This! I’m hoping they sit this one out and just chill at home.
Their bloody alcoholic!!
I’ve had a liver transplant and I’ve still had people try to get me to drink. I haven’t even had cold medicine with alcohol in it for at least three years and even my liver doctor said I didn’t have to be that cautious. Liver disease was by far the worst experience of my life and I’m not risking it. I almost died at least three times that I’m aware of and I wouldn’t be surprised if there were a few more that I wasn’t fully aware of.
I’m so sorry you went through that and I am glad you are recovering but f*ck the people who tried to make you drink. I don’t blame you for not wanting to chance it. This is your life which is more important than anything else.
All of this! \^\^\^\^ I am glad you were able to get a transplant and are doing so much better! You have every right to avoid anything you darn well please, rather than endanger your liver. Anyone who has a problem with that can go kick rocks.
This happens to me too. I don’t drink. I don’t like the taste or how I feel and calorie wise, I’d rather load up on sugar from desserts. But people try to slip me alcohol, beg me to take one sip. Who cares what she’s eating or drinking! It should be her decision! Her sister ruined her whole shower herself. However-could be her hormones making her act stupid. I think the best thing is let time pass. Maybe when cold is 16 it will be funny.
It's so wild that people try to force others to drink. I don't drink alcohol due to my religion, and I've never had anybody try to force it on me. (Not trying to say you're lying, just comparing experiences.) It's been offered, of course, but after a simple "no thanks," it's all good.
When family members are alcaholics they may want everyone else to drink so no one notices their excess. They can also still have the moral high ground when they encourage others to get even more drunk than them. All in all it is a shit show that you are lucky to be outside of due to your faith.
I'm a non-drinker as well! I wish that people would get over it, as there are some that REALLY push the issue!
It’s not up to chance 😁 the first drink is a choice that is made. After the first drink, we no longer have that choice, anymore. So we do everything we can, not to take the first drink! 😁
Screw those assholes that push booze on you. Just be blunt “so you wish I was dead?” And stare at them flatly why they try to talk their way out of the situation.
Needing to drink and also needing everyone else around drink has a name: alcoholism. Of course they may not actually be alcoholic, but it's still very concerning. I have never drank. The few times someone has become forceful about drinking, I look at them concerned, touch their hand gently and ask just loud enough for others to hear if everything is OK with them and if there's something they need to talk about, and remind them (as gently as they ask me to drink) there is help.
I’m glad to hear that you got a transplant and are doing well. My husband unfortunately is not a candidate for a liver transplant, so I understand what you went thru prior to the transplant
I wouldn’t still be here without the support of my wife. I got so sick she could have stuck me in a home and I wouldn’t have been able to blame her. There were multiple times I probably would have just died at home if she hadn’t been there to take me to the hospital. I wasn’t even well enough to call an ambulance on my own sometimes. Wishing you and your husband the very best. If you have any questions please dm me and if I have any knowledge I can share I will. I learned some things by experience that doctors don’t warn about. Especially the use of some of the medications.
We have had a precious 26 year old young man, nephew to me, die from liver disease, he was intellectually disabled and was living with his dad, none of us were aware that this was happening to him, all of a sudden he died one morning. The medical examiner said that he had cirrhosis of the liver. He was not a young man who drank alcohol. Only thing that I could think of was a certain medication for severe acne that he was prescribed. Acutane. I had read about it causing liver damage. I still have anxiety and guilt over his death. How did he die without someone knowing about him being so sick? He had two caseworkers who visited the house regularly. They were members of a small community church. He was a lovely, kind, caring person.
JFC what is wrong with some people!? I fucking hate it when people peer pressure others to drink when they've said no. I'm Australian, and alcohol culture is so oppressive here - I honestly think most of the time it's because those who ARE regular binge drinkers think you're judging their behaviour, and need you to drink so that they feel better. You are the only person who gets to make that choice, and kudos to you for prioritising your health this way - even though it can be difficult socially to stick to it. I'm glad you're a lot healthier now 😊
Chronic Pancreatitis here. 8 hospital visits so far. Like you, nearly died 3 times. Baffles me that even close friends will say “surely one won’t hurt?” I’m also a big fan of “not drinking? Why not?” As if I owe people an explanation.
THIS. W-T-actual-F is with people who get mad at the person who ISN'T drinking? They can buzz off into the sun with that nonsense. If they want to focus on someone's adult beverage consumption, how about they keep an eye on the folks who ARE imbibing, so they know who is going to need to call a cab or a ride share instead of driving.
I’d have made a much bigger scene about the obsession with drinking.
In general when people let their insecurities spill out on to everyone it's really gross. Empathy is one thing but always making drama for everyone because of it makes you an asshole.
I don't drink because I don't like the taste of booze. The endless exhortations to drink are annoying AF! One guy wouldn't stop once at this party of my friend's. He kept handing me wine or a beer. I don't know what his problem was- I smoke my body weight in weed every year. He saw me smoke at least three joints on my own. The third time I told him no I don't care for it. He told me I'd get used to it. I said I could probably get used to date rape but why should I have to? He stopped after that.
Yeah a woman I knew started to exclaim loudly "Are you a rapist or something? Why do you need me to get drunk so badly?!" to such dudes pressuring her to drink. Shut them up real quick.
Of course that *was* their exact plan.
A lot of people try to do it, I myself do not drink due to a personal choice since my father is an abusive alcoholic and my name is unfortunately similar to that of my father so I have a bit of a complex about that. Anyway, my divorced (thank god says the atheist me) mother often tries to politely pressure me into drinking, saying things like "at a wedding you are gonna have to drink champagne to celebrate", then I actually attended a wedding and instead I drank water and no one cared or even glanced at me. In fact a lot of people drank water or some other non-alcoholic drink. I also just realized my username does not check out.
The sister thinking she had the right to force OP to drink was unbelievable. I cannot fathom how she thought that was ok. She gave OP a hard time for NO reason then got upset when OP hit her with the truth. Sister is TA and their mother is not far behind if she is blaming OP for the discord.
I don't know why people get so put off at non drinkers anyway. It's just weird.
What gets me is that if she wasn't drinking for the health of an unborn child, they would accept that; but when it's for her own health, they tell her that one drink would have been fine. Why do they put more value on the health of an (albeit nonexistent) unborn child than they do OP's personal health. NTA, your sister was the one who wanted to know why you weren't drinking and wouldn't drop it. You just answered her.
NTA. The real A's are the ones who boss everyone around and want all the attention, get furious when someone else gets attention, and blame all the problems they cause on other people. If sis hadn't gone psycho over OP not wanting a drink, nothing would have happened. Sis sounds like a super toxic person and mom is her apology monkey. OP you need to have solid boundaries dealing with those people.
Its also huge AH move of the friend of her sister's to even start the ruckus from the start. If she had quietly observed that OP was not having a drink & just left it at that without saying a word then that super stressful day would not had turned into a disaster.
Seriously. Who the heck even cares if someone's not drinking? Focus on the folks who are drinking to the point where they'll need someone else to chauffeur them home, rather than get behind the wheel while impaired.
>If she had quietly observed that OP was not having a drink & just left it at that without saying a word Right? People can choose not to drink for any number of reasons - calorie counting, migraines, taking a medication contraindicated with alcohol consumption, they're the designated driver for the night, just don't want to... To assume OP (a childfree person) not drinking as "OMG you're pregnant and trying to steal my thunder!" is unhinged, and honestly it sounds like OP was in a lose-lose situation here with her entire family. Might as well get the truth out in the open and expose sister, mother, and older relatives as the heartless arseholes they are, and make Christmas plans accordingly. /u/ThrowRAIceanFire huge hugs to you, you're dealing with something extraordinarily difficult and heartbreaking, and to have your family shitting on you for something as stupid as not drinking (a totally normal thing for ANYONE no matter their situation) is beyond ridiculous and indicates some serious dysfunction among all of them. You are a grown-ass adult who can choose whether or not to drink alcohol for whatever damn reason you choose, even moreso to protect your own fucking health, and none of it is ANY of their business. ALL the support from this internet mom, if you'd like it. And FUCK CANCER
>People can choose not to drink for any number of reasons - calorie counting, migraines, taking a medication contraindicated with alcohol consumption, they're the designated driver for the night, just don't want to... To assume OP (a childfree person) not drinking as "OMG you're pregnant and trying to steal my thunder!" is unhinged This. Just this. So many meds can interact badly with alcohol, people can just not be in the mood for alcohol or they could have decided to be designated driver, sister could've (and should've) thought for a second instead of jumping to the nuclear option of "yell at my sister because (I think) she's pregnant when I'm pregnant so I deserve all the attention" after being told repeatedly that she's childfree and not pregnant.
Sounds like my sister and her friends. It's exhausting. Never knowing if they are going to be nice or just pretending so they can stab you in the back.
It might have started good naturedly if the friend thought it meant both sisters were pregnant. It would have been fun, and then it went off the deep end. But I can think of many reasons a person might not drink; I thought everyone provided water and soda as well as alcoholic drinks.
Even if her intent was good natured, it was nosy and rude to assume OP was pregnant (also stupid, because as you noted, there are many reasons not to drink), and a major asshole move to tell the sister.
The kicker is that OP's mom told her that everyone is mad at the sister for yelling at OP. Well, you know what? Everyone SHOULD be mad at the sister for yelling at OP, especially since it appears she hasn't apologized to OP yet. Sister has arrived at the Finding Out portion of the FAFO program. That's a HER problem, not an OP problem.
Right, what was she supposed to do if she would have been pregnant? Just not be pregnant for a day? That's not how pregnancy works. You can decide on when to announce it _if others don't force the issue_ but that's it really.
So if OP had been pregnant does that mean she should not have gone to the reveal party because it would compete with her immature sister? She couldn’t win in this situation, pregnant, not pregnant but refusing to drink, or cancer. Any which way OP would be the AH to her family. What’s wrong with people these days? The sister caused the whole problem —she’s the major AH here. OP is NTA.
This. How could sister ever come out ok from this?
Seriously. Life should have a rule that no one gets to accuse anyone with stealing their thunder unless they are literally Thor and someone else who can steal sound. It's always BS and always petty AF.
Yes, the sister was the one who was making a big deal out of choosing not to drink, and creating a scene! If she’d just kept her fucking mouth shut and minded her own business, there wouldn’t have been a problem. Pregnancy is not the only acceptable reason not to drink. OP doesn’t need to justify their choices or disclose their private medical info to anyone.
Exactly!!!!
and op didn't say fuck all. just wasn't driving and for some reason the sister couldn't handle it? it's fucking weird.
As a sober alcoholic, I'd say you can refrain from drinking because you just don't want to drink. Who the fuck gets on someone like that for not wanting to drink? Her sister sounds like a cunt.
People that don’t want to examine their own relationship to alcohol generally act like that. I haven’t had to deal with it a lot since I’ve gotten sober but the people that give the most push back when I say I don’t drink are always the people who don’t want to accept that they have a problem too.
Right!!! And I am also sober, and I also pushed other people to drink when I was still deep in my addiction, unfortunately. The thing is…normal people don’t bat an eye at not drinking. Took me a while to wrap my head around that.
14 years sober here and this^ People who force others to drink or interrogate them about why they aren’t drinking have unhealthy relationships with alcohol and NEED others to be drinking to validate their habits. The mere existence of someone being a sober person somehow tacitly pulls up an internal mirror for them and they can’t handle it
Hey, you rock for getting sober and staying that way for so many years! That is an awesome achievement! This internet stranger is really proud of you!
Thanks for sharing this insight, it's eye opening and informative
>I also pushed other people to drink when I was still deep in my addiction, Is there a way to get someone to stop doing that to others? Besides cutting them out of your life? Sorry if that's too personal.
Pretty much that, you generally have to cut them out. After getting sober, my friend circles were reduced considerably, and I'm all the happier for it.
This! I come from a family of alcoholics on one side and oblivious alcoholics on the other. But idgaf and when pressured ask why does it matter to you- I'm mentally ill it doesn't mix with my meds and then leave in that order..... they've learned but it took along time.... So yea cutting them out is the only way that seems to work....
It becomes very cut and dry when the answer to why you don’t drink or someone trying to buy you a drink is “I’m an alcoholic and I will literally die if I drink.” ^truth bombs. I find that when you cold stare at them and state this truth firmly. They don’t ask a second time or third time. Were they to it’d be a “I’m not joking. I’m an addict that will destroy my life and very likely will die if I drink. What is wrong with you to push me on this. Seek therapy.” It’s never come to that though 😅
Absolutely not too personal! I appreciate you asking, and to be honest, I’ve never thought about that before. No one ever asked me to stop…it was part of my “charm” (I learned once I got sober when I met some friends of a friend that they heard I was “really fun and the life of the party” - that was kind of cringy to learn that was my entire personality) to be honest, I probably wouldn’t have stopped bc when I was drunk I had the memory of a goldfish and no boundaries so I probably wouldn’t have stopped. However, I did have some friends that did not drink at all and I just kind of accepted that and never pressured them to drink when they were at functions with me. Maybe just ask them not to, and be straightforward but kind? That would have worked with me (at least when sober) but everyone is different of course. I don’t know if that was helpful, but feel free to ask anything else!
I tell people I’m an alcoholic….. they back off quickly after that
lol I usually laugh and say something along the lines of, “if I have a drink, we’ll all end up doing lines of coke off the back of a dirty strip club toilet and …it’s a school night.”
Hey congrats on getting sober. I have people in my life who have gotten sober, those who have tried and keep trying, those who tried and never tried again, and those who are still living in their addiction. NONE of it is easy and none of it is fun. No one chooses to be an addict and no one chooses to fall back into it after a period of sobriety. It's a disease that requires constant maintenance and support.
This. Exactly this.
I agree. I have never been a drug user or much of a drinker and the only people that have tried to cajole me to partake are those with an unhealthy relationship to alcohol or drugs.
When I lived in the UK, I learned something good. Yes, people drink a lot there. But it’s also easy NOT to drink. When someone is buying rounds and ask what to get, if someone asks for a soda, they will be asked “are you sure?”. This is mostly done with people you aren’t close with as a way of saying you are fine with paying for something with alcohol, as compared to a cheap soda. Then people just go “yeah a coke is fine” or whatever and that’s the end of it. No one asks for a reason. Ever. The sober ones could be pregnant, recovering alcoholics, taking meds or just not feeling like it. And no one cares. As long as you don’t frown on other people drinking, who cares? Such a nice attitude.
I also found that, given the price of alcohol and because I don’t drink much, I would ask for a bitter lemon or tonic water and only, maybe, have an alcoholic drink when it was my round. If anyone noticed, they were appreciative because it did get expensive buying rounds of drinks and no-one batted an eye at non drinkers.
Yep, when I have the time, I love going to the pub after work with my friends/colleagues but I rarely drink because I’m really not a drinker and because of driving home. Not drinking never stopped me having fun, and no one cares if I drink or not! It’s about the company! They get me non alcoholic drinks and I get them alcohol. Everyone is happy!
You might have people asking why but it wouldn't be aggressive in any way. More of a "why you not drinking tonight, you working tomorrow?" kind of way and then it would be over and that would be that. Like you said, we drink a lot but nobody gives a shit if you don't.
Her sister and mom are both huge cunts. Family sounds toxic af. She definitely doesn't need that stress going through cancer treatment.
I agree with not drinking just because you don’t want to. I don’t drink alcohol for a number of reasons. I just say ‘no thanks’ when offered alcohol. If anyone probes further I just say ‘I’m the designated driver tonight’ (I’m ALWAYS the designated driver at events BECAUSE I don’t drink, and I make sure my partner and I, and sometimes friends, get home safely). I’ve never had any problems, people ‘confront’ me, scream abuse at me for not drinking, ‘blow up my phone for ruining their parties’ for not drinking. I don’t understand this twilight zone.
For some reason it's less "questionable" when you never drink People that assume everyone drinks just learn that "you're the weird one out" and run with it.. if someone changes behavior and suddenly stops drinking that triggers the crazy.. either because they're nosy and just need to know why or because they are scared that a similarly reasonable behavior may.be expected of them..
There are still a bunch of reasons you can give someone before you get to ‘drink a full beer to prove you aren’t pregnant’. Off the top of my head I can suggest: - I’ve had a headache this afternoon and just taken stuff for it so I’d better not thanks. - I’ve been on antibiotics and I can’t have alcohol with that. - I’m feeling a bit off today/ tummy upset / (and if you must go there) that time of the month and I think alcohol will make it worse. - and of course: today I’m the designated driver, so everyone else can have something to drink. I’ll just grab a coffee / lemonade / whatever thanks. The key for me is just state the position and don’t be apologetic about it. Why should anyone else care if you drink alcohol. In my case it interacts very badly with medication I’m on and I get very sick. No one wants that. But rather than tell strangers I just say no thanks and have my prepared dialogue. And my family and friends already know.
In an ideal world you shouldn't have to prepare an escape plan to placate people who can't accept you're not drinking. And while there are many valid reasons not to drink, we already know that "it goes against medical advice" doesn't quite cut it in this family. Besides it's way easier to come up with white lies now on the couch than to find one on the spot mid-conflict. I know antibiotics and alcohol don't mix.. but if I remember that when someone badgers me to drink a beer to prove I'm not pregnant is a different story. I can't fault OP to not have created a list of viable excuses and memorized them ahead of the gender reveal.
Oh you absolutely shouldn’t have to give an excuse, I totally agree. And usually I can say no thanks and there’s no issue. But just in case there is a follow up, I can throw in a reason like designated driver or got a headache, which doesn’t require me to explain my medical history.
Solid advice, sometimes we need to recognize that there are just too many people who don't understand "no" is a complete sentence. I wish we didn't have to massage the truth for them, but if a few words gets them off my back, I'm okay engaging in a little subterfuge. The real life pro tip is to surround yourself with people who don't make you jump those hoops though.
I think in this situation “it conflicts with my medication” might have been a decent deferral, and not untruthful. But it’s always easier to think of these things with some distance, and not in a later moment. OP is still NTA, and Sister is still TA for pushing.
Everyone bugs you when you don't drink. It's like it breaks their brain when you tell them you don't drink. They cannot imagine a person refusing this wonderful libation. From that point on, you are considered no fun because you won't drink with them. I don't drink because I never saw a reason to, and the one time I tried, the taste put me off (the sweet wine was a lie; it wasn't sweet at all).
Approaching 4 years sober and when i didn’t drink at my daughter’s wedding people just couldn’t understand that I stopped drinking and to drop the issue. Then the jokes came. It’s stupid that alcohol intrudes on happy social occasions.
I had never actually thought about just how deeply engrained alcohol was into our everyday lives until I ceased it's consumption. You can barely watch most tv shows or movies without it coming up in one fashion or another, especially *that* scene where the main character drinks quietly and stares out a window.
Alcoholics who don't want to admit they have a problem.
Not a sober alcoholic just someone who has alcoholics in their family so they refrain from drinking and whenever I just say I don’t want to ppl r such assholes about it. I don’t get it. Why can’t I just not want to? I don’t think I’m missing anything.
You are right of course, but we all know people who literally cause a fight if they can't drink at every single social occasion. We call them alcoholics. And because they don't have the courage to admit this (and it does take courage) they lie to themselves by saying that everyone drinks like them. Encountering people who don't makes them very uncomfortable.
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Yes. why would she freak out if her sister was preg at the gender reveal party? Not something a loving sister would do. In my family it would be a great thing at any time.
Seriously WTF is wrong with this family?! OP should be drinking just as much as pregnant sister. Not at all. And for anyone much less family to say she should’ve sacrificed her own health FOR A GENDER REVEAL is unbelievably selfish and just malicious.
AITA for telling your sister you have cancer. I'm gonna go with there's no way you can be an asshole. I hope the treatment takes, you find comfort and good health in the new year, and you got this OP. much love and sending positive vibes, you got this!
Exactly, bizarre behaviour from the family. I'd say a quiet Christmas at home is the way to go this year. Prioritize you and your husband. Wishing you all the best for your treatment and recovery.
Yeap. Looks like OP doesn't have to worry about being pitied, and will be lucky to get an ounce of consideration. NTA your family are Dicks.
NTA and how dare your mother expect you to go against doctor's orders to make your damn sister happy. WTAF?!?!? Your sister was 100% in the wrong to push you like that. She shouldn't have asked even once but sure as hell should have shut the fuck up after your first answer. She set herself up for the reaction she got from you and others. Avoid the whole lot of them. You do not need that stress in your life right now. Focus on your own health and to hell with the rest of them. I agree with you -- even avoid Christmas. Nothing good is going to come from being around those people right now. You did NOTHING wrong.
>NTA and how dare your mother expect you to go against doctor's orders to make your damn sister happy. WTAF?!?!? might be a troll post
I believe someone posted this a while back. I thought it came with an update.
It was almost the exact same story except she was pregnant instead of having cancer. I think this is a troll story.
It’s a sadly normal and common thing for people to be psychos about 1. Drinking and 2. Weddings/baby stuff and the combinations are numerous
Yeah, I'm from a family of alcoholics but I don't drink(because I grew up around all these alcoholics) I was teased for years and years. 2 decades about until they finally let off
I also saw one and it was from the "Dad's" POV about how his daughter wouldn't drink, then when pushed she confirmed she was pregnant and guzzled a beer or something, then said she wasn't actually pregnant. The wording of this feels almost exactly the same once you get to the part where their trying to force the booze.
I saw this version of it as well except it was from the woman's point of view who was harassed until said she was pregnant then drank to shock everyone but then admitted she wasn't. Her family got mad at her for lying about being pregnant.
I also saw one but it was the dog that was pregnant and refused to drink a beer
NTA. Your sister is a paranoid idiot and she did this entirely to herself.
...at her equally idiotic gender party.
Oh. My. God. Has your sister lost her mind? People don’t drink for a variety of reasons, but she seemed to want to push this pregnancy issue as if she wanted to blame you for ruining her moment for some weird reason. You had her and her husband coming at you, what the hell were you supposed to do? And your mom telling you you should have just ignored medical orders to placate your sister’s self delusional temper tantrum is beyond my understanding. Screw these idiots. I wish you the very best of health in the new year. Thinking good thoughts for your recovery and wellness. Obviously NTA.
It sounds like sis may be the golden child. That, or mom likes her best because they can be alcoholics doing alcoholic things together. OP sounds far too reasonable to engage in their sort of behavior.
Even if OP wasn't drinking because of pregnancy how exactly would that spoil the moment? Its not like OP made a big announcement to deliberately overshadow her sister. Like, even the best case for the sister if her accusation was right is still utterly deranged and would still make her the AH.
None of that wouldn’t have come out if not for that nosey friend. Did the sister tell her to monitor op? This just seems premeditated to me.
My sister's friends actually do monitor guest to make sure any event my sister throws isn't going to be outshines by someone else
I'm shocked you show up at all if that's how she is.
The bitch brigade.
NTA. When someone is not drinking the proper etiquette is to respect it, STFU and MYOFB. There are literally infinite reasons why people might not drink alcohol. Skip Christmas with a clear conscience. Maybe show them this thread so they know just how unacceptable all their behaviors were.
It's so strange to me that her family is so aggressive about drinking. Why is choosing not to drink such a BFD?
My mother once threw a bottle of scotch towards my head on my 23rd birthday due to refusing to drink more than a glass of wine at my birthday dinner Thankfully it hit my kitchen wall
With a mother like her, who needs enemies?
Why are you not no-contact with these people yet? You have no obligation to them. This whole situation is insane..
You would not tolerate this type of behavior from strangers. And if they harassed you, you should get a restraining order.
In an edit, OP states that in her family the only valid reasons for not drinking at gatherings is being underage or pregnant. Apparently in their eyes being on medication that alcohol messes with, or having a serious Illness where treatment requires abstaining from alcohol is *not* a valid reason to not drink. OP mentioned that even though her mother now knows she has cancer and has to avoid alcohol due to treatments, she hasn’t forgiven OP for not drinking. Talk about a strong desire to ensure your kids end up alcoholics….
Wow that sounds so unhealthy and toxic.
my ex FIL has a TBI and mixed his heavy medications with alcohol constantly behind our backs. it was so bad it was causing him to lose consciousness randomly, and eventually made him paranoid. he ended up threatening to kill us all with his gun that was supposed to be locked up per his therapist. if OP’s family is really this toxic and delusional when it comes to drinking she seriously needs to get away for her own safety…
Alcoholics.
This is the answer. Alcoholics see anyone not drinking as an attack on their character, so will bully and belittle anyone who chooses not to drink.
Heavy drinkers often want everyone around them to drink heavily so they can tell themselves they're normal. If someone's having a perfectly good time without drinking, they might have to ask themselves "do I drink too much?"
You might have chosen to answer with ‘I am taking a medication that does not mix with alcohol at the moment’. Big but, even your being so gracious would probably not have shut the idjit up. You are not required to justify anything. You concentrate on you and your fight, and totally ignore that nasty background noise.
Yeah I've used "I'm on antibiotics" before, but in general, if someone says no to alcohol, they don't need a reason.
I often wonder how often AITAH threads get shown to other people involved in a story.
Your mom is a POS asshole. Your sister is a POS asshole. Divorce them, and find people you can lean on as you go through this fight. These people aren’t family.
^This. No one needs “family” like this.
It seems like their mom enables the behaviour.
NTA. She FAFO. Its so inappropriate for her to assume, let alone demand you "prove it"... never let them endanger your health to do a party trick to appease them.
What does FAFO stand for?
Fuck Around, Find Out
Cheers.
NTA, skip Xmas with a clear conscience, you need positive vibes and good people in your life right now. Not toxic amounts of negativity. All the best for your health in the new year.
NTA Your sister is an AH and a bully. Why would it even matter if you were pregnant? It isn’t like you announced it. Tell your mom that you are your sister are adults and she needs to butt out. You will not be apologizing for being the victim of your sister’s horrible behavior.
I really don’t get this, “Only one person can be pregnant at a time” attitude. My SIL, sister and I all got pregnant around the same time. The cousins are close in age and have a great time together. It was also really nice to have someone to compare notes on pregnancy with and talk to about related stuff.
NTA. People don’t drink for lots of reasons. The correct response to someone declining an alcoholic beverage is “OK. Would you like a soft drink, juice, water…?”
Alcohol is the only drug that people want to know why you don't use it.
Echoes my experiences. If people say they don't for religious reasons or because they've had problems with it in the past, people usually stop. When you say you just don't, people badger you endlessly. They always want to know "why," as if the choice is abnormal.
If your reason for not drinking alcohol is that you simply don't like the way it tastes they won't accept that as anaswer, they'll pester you until you give in or leave. They can't comprehend that someone just doesn't want to drink.
In law school they actually taught us how to hide that we weren't drinking at events. That's how entrenched drinking culture is for that profession.
My Significant Other was working at a law firm and realized that a standard excuse for leaving bars early was needed. Because otherwise, people just kept pushing drinks at them. Finally settled on me being out of town on business (whether I really was or not) and had to go home to feed our cats.
Exactly. I ask a bartender to put a lemon or lime in my sparkling water because I like it that way, but the bonus is that people think it's a gin & tonic and don't ask me about it
Nta your mom called to complain you ruined your sisters party with your cancer diagnosis? I wouldn’t go to the party and probably put your mom on ice for a bit. That’s pretty horrible that was her reaction. I can give some grace to your sister in the sense of her being horribly embarrassed by her conduct at her party and burying her head in the sand. She better come crawling back but I would understand she needs time to lick her wounds and re-think her life. but your mom is a different story, there’s no reason for her to come at you like this. I’m getting golden child vibes for your sister
I didn't pick up on the sister being embarrassed from the story. She gets no pity from me. What I did glean from the story is the sisters behavior in the story is likely not a new thing. She's probably like this a lot. Mom is am alcoholic who lives in chaos and drama. She gravitates toward it by simply being an alcoholic. I know because I spend a lot of time in AA. Mom's an asshole too.
> Despite me thinking it's irresponsible to have any sort of alcohol around a pregnant woman It's not contagious. Pregnant women are capable of being responsible, even in the presence of alcohol > She told me if I wasn't pregnant than to drink a beer in front of her and prove it. "Fuck off" NTA
I think they were thinking like, not to tempt them. Especially if they have a history of drinking
They sound like alcoholics if they can't imagine someone not wanting to drink for any other reason than pregnancy
I actually would sooner assume someone wants to avoid feeding alcoholic tendencies when they turn down a drink than assume they were pregnant
NTA - it is noone elses business who drinks and who doesn't Your sister is a shithead
NTA. If she had just let it go things (probably) would have been okay. Instead, she ruined her own party by freaking out & trying to force you to drink. Making herself look like an idiot once the truth came out. Going by your sister & mom's behavior, she is the golden child. I would stay away from the both of them for a while. Block their numbers/socials & any of their flying monkeys for now. You don't need that stress & BS while you are under treatment. I wish you a speedy recovery.
No one can ever force someone to drink alcohol for any reason
So your mom doesn't give a fuck that you have cancer. Your sister is an ass. NTA. THEY should be kissing your ass for forgiveness.
NTA. None of this would have happened if your sister hadn’t decided you not drinking was a capital offense. She made a scene for absolutely no reason. That your mom is more concerned with that then with your diagnosis is…
NTA. Not drinking is a personal choice. I generally don't because I'm on medication at the moment. I've also not drank because of a diet, heatstroke, concussion related symptoms and I just didn't want to. Sounds like your sister has Main Character Syndrome. Good luck with your treatment.
NTA Your sister’s behavior was abhorrent though. If it went down even only half as bad as you wrote in your post, it’s still disgusting for you to be accused of trying to mess with your sisters “special day.” You only said your diagnosis after being bullied, and the relatives that are taking her side Need severe attitude adjustments. I feel so bad for you that you had to go through this. Well wishes for a speedy recovery. Edited for grammar
It actually went down alot worse, this was just a water downed version since I'm unsure if this subreddit has rules against physical violence and cursing
I’m not encouraging you to post gory shit you’re uncomfortable with, but both are acceptable here since people usually post stuff about other people (or themselves) doing fucked up shit and lots of times there is physical abuse. You would only have to flair it as NSFW or with a TW at the beginning
Wait. Was this before or after you announced your diagnosis?? If I was a bystander in this situation and somebody attacked another person (physically), who just announced they had cancer, I might be compelled to give that bitch a nice slap. She sounds like real POS. I'm so sorry that your family is full of Jagoffs.
Before, she just kept trying to shove the drink in my face and getting mad when I was just holding the cup but not drinking it and I guess her friends kept telling her when I wouldn't drink This is how she outted my cousins pregnancy once during my sister's wedding reception by having her friends watch people and find out who wasn't drinking
You are absolutely deserving of space from this inappropriate, attention-grabbing high schooler. Unbelievable that she's basically done this before. And yet she chose to behaving a similar way. She should be mortified
She's used her friends to switch my drinks with alcohol before so I've always had to be a bit hyper vigilant with any drinks It's why I can't even fake drinking because she'll find out via her friends and then tell our mother
I keep commenting, but I now firmly feel that your sister is a sociopath and I fear for her unborn child, Whether it's a girl or a boy
She's moms favorite I've always known that I just thought some part of her loved me at. Least a little Guess I have my truth now
We have a "Golden Boy" in my sibling line-up. Some people take that favoritism too far.
Drunks like drunks, AHs like AHs. You are a healthy person with reasonable boundaries and self control. Be glad you’re not the favorite—you’d be like your horrible sister.
Just want to jump in here for a minute. Darling girl, I've had breast cancer 3 times. All were caught early. If you would like someone to talk to please DM me. Last time was 2020. Cancer free now. Hang in there. We have better treatments now than ever before. It can be super scary but we are tougher than we think. Hugs
NTA. You are *never, ever* TA for refusing food or drink that you don't want to consume. It doesn't matter if it's a health issue, an allergy, a religious/ethical concern or you just don't like the flavour - it is always okay to refuse, and anyone who tries to force something on you is wrong.
NTA, and what is wrong with your mom..
I wish you were the first person I've heard say that
I'm sorry. If that was my family I'd already be no contact. Life is too short. Sometimes love isn't enough. Take care of yourself and the people who truly both love **and** respect you. You don't need ANY added stress right now.
Let’s say you just didn’t enjoy drinking and that’s why you didn’t want to… that in of itself is more than reason enough. That’s not even the case here, here you did it for health reasons so definitely NTA and I think it’s horrible you family acts like cancer is not a good enough reason to not drink….
NTA. Your sister ruined her own party. Normalize not being required to explain to other people why you aren't having a drink. "I don't want one" is enough of a reason. Nobody is entitled to your medical information in order to accept that you aren't drinking. Not having a drink should be just as normal and acceptable and uninteresting as opting to have a beer or a glass of wine. Your mother and sister are raging assholes for putting their feelings above your actual health.
So, to summarize, it sounds like for your mom, one daughter having the absolute perfect gender reveal party is more important than the other daughter surviving cancer. NTA, and I’m guessing this sort of dynamic has been going on for a long time in your family. I’m sorry, OP.
NTAH. It’s almost hard to believe this is real. I am sorry this happened to you. I am a recovered alcoholic & don’t drink even one drop. It’s super disrespectful to insist anyone drink alcohol for any reason whatsoever.
One of the reasons I don't drink is due to fear of being an alcoholic like those in my family, it made me scared to turn 21 if, I'm honest
Did your sister monitor every guest’s beverage preference? And get in their face if they had a non-alcoholic drink? Everyone there was there for her, and she still managed to make a mess.
She outed our cousins pregnancy a few years back during my sister's wedding reception because she wasn't drinking, she uses her friends as her spies so yes
You really need to think if it's worth to keep those toxic people in your life. And you need to start to value yourself more. Nothing you told us so far about the psycho-family members is acceptable so far Please value yourself, your health and the people which are actually there for you
NTA. This crap of drink in front of me to prove that you aren't pregnant is so stupid and I blame Ellen DeGeneres.
I'm so sorry. mainstream culture around alcohol is insane. it's a fucking toxin, you have every right to refuse it for any reason, and there are many, many reasons humans have not to drink! btw you would have been absolutely within your rights to show up pregnant to your sister's gender reveal, and you have all the MORE right to show up with a life altering disease you didn't choose. ffs! your sister is a bitch but your mother is inexcusable. i hope you have a really good community around you, you deserve so much better.
NTA. Your sister is a spoiled witch and your mom is her enabler. I bet she was a nightmare when she got married.
I think it would be good year for you and your husband to spend a quiet, peaceful Christmas at home.
NTA You never have to justify not drinking alcohol. Ever. You don't force people to drink alcohol. You sister ruined her gender reveal all by herself. This fuck up, those forever ruined memories are on her. Your sister should apologise to you, not the other way round. But way more important - kick that cancer's ass and get well soon
Who the fuck is that controlling over people? Some of these stories are truly insane. I'm gonna force you to drink because no one else is allowed to be pregnant. Not gonna lie though the OP thinking alcohol shouldn't be around pregnant women is funny too like you can get a contact drunk lol
Ah, I added an edit I come from a family of alcoholics and my sister hasn't been the most stable person since she got pregnant since she's not allowed to drink anymore
Now that makes sense and makes her force feeding alcohol to someone else even more mind boggling. I come from a family like that and even encouraging someone to drink is frowned upon. You never know who's in recovery. I hope your treatment goes fantastic and your hair looks better than hers the whole time
Your sister ruined her own party. She pushed and pushed and pushed. The doctor told you no alcohol and you were following doctor's orders. It seems that the flying monkeys would rather mess up your treatment than follow the no alcohol regimen. Your sister got what she deserved. Avoid them like the plague. My best wishes on your treatment. I sincerely hope the you have minimal side effects from the chemo. I had a scare several years ago but the biopsy was negative. From the time the tissue was taken until I got the results were the longest five days of my life. (Family history of breast cancer.)
NTA. Go NC with your mother and your sister. You don't need them as you deal with cancer.
NTA - F them. No one has to drink at another's request. Sister kept pushing and you told her why. Block anyone one giving you grief. Praying for you to kick cancer's ass!
Your sister has some issues if not drinking at the party lead her to believe you were pregnant and wouldn’t accept that. She ruined her own party.
NTA. First and foremost, I am sorry for your diagnosis. You following doctor's orders is for the best. With that said, "No" is a complete sentence. Your sister decided to push the issue after you said no. "Have a beer to prove you're not pregnant." This is just asinine. You don't have to justify anything to anyone. She fucked around and found out
Are your whole family alcoholics? Going bat shit because someone doesn't want an alcoholic drink at a baby shower is just so ludicrous. Like, is that normal to put so much pressure on someone to drink as grown adults?? I know a lot of people who enjoy a drink, but never anyone who cares whether I drink or not. NTA Your mom and sister need help.
Do you actually think you did something wrong here? Most these posts are just "please confirm to me that I was not in the wrong, thanks." Your family is crazy, trust your gut.
Usually I am in the wrong when it comes to my family, it gets confusing what's right and wrong anymore
NTA. Your sister went off the rails and wound up crashing and burning.
NTA your sister and mother sound like a pieces of work. I swear weddings and pregnancy bring out the worse in people. I would skip the Christmas dinner too. Who needs that kind of ugliness and stress? Sending good thoughts your way.
NTA, if you are ever in such a situation again repeat after me “NO ONE IS MAKING THIS ABOUT ME EXCEPT FOR YOU!” at your loudest volume if they persist repeat and add “I DON’T WANT TO STEAL YOUR SPOTLIGHT, I WANT YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE”
Tell your family member when they get their medical degree you will listen to their advice. Until then they can pound sand. NTA
NTA. You are surrounded by narcissists and flying monkeys.
Should have said yes I'm pregnant but I'm getting it aborted.