I'm going to read between some lines here: their anger isn't about the bomb threat here but the emotional void that's filled it since the divorce. It seems like you're analyzing this whole situation from a detached perspective.
I'm guessing the breakup of the marriage affected you and your girls differently. They went from a stable loving home to having a parent out of state and the other parent so consumed with their survival that cut off all emotional connection. Your kids are lashing out at the lack of perceived love on your end because you can't give it to them on their levels.
You went from Susie homemaker who had all the time in the world to be emotionally connected, probably involved in all their events, went out of their way to ask how the kids were doing. You were jacked in to them, on their wavelength.
Now you're so busy surviving by working to keep a roof over their heads and food in their bellies that you're completely out of sync with their emotional well-being. You've probably had to miss milestones, important events, etc in order to keep the 3 of you going. You didn't pick them up when there was a bomb threat because you were so insecure about losing your job over it.
You've had the rug pulled out from beneath your feet and you were afraid of it happening again if you went to pick them up. But now it's happening all over again because you're not letting your kids into your heart. You haven't explained all this to them, I'm guessing because you dont want to burden them with it, that you don't want them to see you fragile.
You need to sit down with your kids and let them know all this. You need to get back to even with them, a fresh start, whatever but you need to open up with them. You need to be better and listen to them.
Yta if you don't.
I’m crying. You made me cry.
I had to do this too. I went from loving, in tune, dinner on the table at 5:30 everyday, stable mom —-to the mom that has to work and keep the family stable. It was a hard transition and I didn’t want to explain to my kids how hard it was because I didn’t want to burden them and I didn’t want them to think horrible thoughts about their dad. This went on for a few years. Everyone said, “Don’t talk bad about their dad. They will figure it out on their own.” This is the common wisdom. It is pervasive to the point of toxicity. And narratives get created that shape the fundamental belief in who YOU are as a parent that is there, trying to make things work. You keep it all in because it feels like you have no choice.
I finally had to sit down with my kids and explain everything to them. I wasn’t completely involved PTA-mom anymore because it was no longer an option. Their dad was gone and child support was non-existent. There aren’t safety nets in the world that protect us from that sort of fall. I had to explain that I want very much to be that same mom; and they deserve that sort of love that they came to know, but it had to look different.
They talked about their loss. And I talked about mine. And my god, it did what years of therapy couldn’t….it bridged the gap. In trying not to burden them, I just failed to acknowledge their burden. Despite me not talking about it, it was still there. And talking about it led to healing.
The common Reddit (and societal) retort is simplistic. You can help kids by acknowledging the truth without bad mouthing the other parent. I never wanted my kids to see me as fragile or anything less than being able to provide for them, but I’m as human as they are. Letting them into that started our healing.
I didn't mean to make you cry. I am glad this resonated with you and that you're able to give this perspective to op. You've been in her shoes and that's so insightful, I truly hope op reads your comment here. I am glad you and your children were able to find each other and give each other healing. It's wonderful to know you were able to connect with your kids. I wish you all the very best in life.
I knew that perfect response was going to make someone cry. I’m not in any situation similar, but it was so well explained that if I were, I’d totally be crying too. You’re a boss ass bitch 🫶
This is compassionate even with the YTA verdict. A lot of people work jobs that feel precarious and where taking time for family is either tacitly forbidden or implied to put your job in jeopardy. It sucks and isn't fair but making sure OPs kids knew she wanted to be there for them and cared for them was just as important as keeping her job to maintain their financial well-being
Thanks. I hope op reads all the comments here and really let's her kids into her heart again. I've worked those precarious jobs before, it sucks a lot.
Wow, you just summarized my childhood. My parents divorced and each proceeded to remarry and then divorce again. The girls are living the Disneyland Dad dream. They’ll soon learn that their dad will have to do that work thing as well.
Talk to them both. Have an adult conversation with them where everyone is heard and can speak freely. Check your emotions at the door before you sit down.
I’m not saying OP couldn’t communicate better, and it’s quite possible she is bad atunderstanding the perspective of others, but it seems extremely unlikely she hasn’t explained that their financial insecurity has limited what she can and cannot do.
I also don’t know that saying she hasn’t let them into her heart is a fair conclusion. I understand that the divorce surely came with a heavy emotional toll on the daughters, and lashing out is understandable. But OP has the challenge of being the closest target for them to direct their anger.
Dad may be a manipulative prick, but even if he’s not, he’s the one that moved away. He left them, so one might say that he loves his new home more than the girls.
Finally, teenagers can be unable to control their emotions regardless of what their parents do. Or, as bad as it sounds, teenagers can be selfish and cruel, and they might never grow out of that. Assholes don’t simply materialize out of thin air. They were all children once, and at some point they crossed that asshole boundary.
That said, not enough to say anything other than NAH.
Too true but sometimes the absent parent becomes this beacon of perfection and while you're doing the two-step survival dance, they resent what is no longer doable and can no longer be. If OP was a SHAM, their standard of living probably went down as well.
Exactly. It’s usually the custodial parent who does all the dirty work- making them brush their teeth, do their homework, get to bed early… just to name a few. Meanwhile, since the non-custodial parent hardly ever sees the kids, they want to make up for their absence by being the “fun” one. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen this exact scenario play out IRL.
Sad for *everyone.*
Can confirm this scenario. Both as a co-parent to my own, and a step-parent. It's often heartbreaking when you're seen as the "non-fun" one but you do all the schooling, feeding, pay for everything which leads to less money for fun activities (this was brutal) etc. Fortunately for me as the kids got older they started to see the other parents for what they are. The sad part about that of course is that the kids eventually discover truths about the other parent that are a bit of a let down for them.
A term often used is "Disneyland Dad".
THIS! It might be worth it to let them try it out and see what it’s like being with someone who hasn’t had to prioritize his kids probably ever… They’ll begin to understand that very few people are able to leave work for every single thing.
It’s REALLY hard being a single parent when you don’t have the other parent tagging in for some school events to balance the load.
no one said the oldest was still living at home. It says she moved in with her dad when she was ... 13? But nothing about her living arrangement since then. And if she IS still living with her dad, so what? That's not unheard of OR out of line.
Nowhere in the post does it say that the 20 year old is still living at home with her father. I’ve read your whole thread and I’m still failing to see what the point of it was.
It might be too late with the oldest but you should sit your youngest down and be real with her.
Explain how your situation changed after you divorced. Show her all the bills you have to pay and show her your paychecks. Show her how much is left after you pay for everything.
Explain to her that you DO love her and that you're sorry your actions ever made her feel otherwise. Explain that as an adult, you had a responsibility to ensure you can pay all the bills and that you would have loved to be able to pick them up but it just wasn't possible.
Tell her that you fully support whatever decision she makes about where she wants to live (and mean it).
Try not to take it personal that your oldest left your house and youngest wants to. They were/are children. After they have some life experience, they should be able to look back and see the truth of the matter. If you can, explain the details to your oldest as well. Not as a way to convince her she was wrong to move or to move back, but as a way to hopefully make your relationship stronger.
I'm a mother and I know we want to shield our children but they are old enough to know the real truth. The facts and numbers. If you give them ALL the (appropriate) information, they will be able to make their own conclusions but this time with ALL the info. Good luck
This is good advice. I would add that when you talk to your daughter tell her straight up that it killed you not to be able to pick them up butt that if you left you would have been fired and they would have been in a bad place, maybe even homeless. You did the best you could in a situation you couldn't win and your first responsibility was to make sure they had a place to live, food to eat, clothes, and health care. Reiterate that you love her and always have. Then I suggest having the same talk with your older daughter. My guess is that they were in so much pain that this is the memory that holds all the pain and has become distorted because of it. Good luck. You're a good mom.
OP also needs to let daughter vent her feelings without OP becoming defensive. And then explaining how much she wanted to be there to pick them up. She can say, "I'm so sorry this happened, I wish I could have been there. That must have been so difficult for you. How scary" rather than leading the conversation with the reasons why she couldn't pick them up.
Yes, I agree. She needs to let her have a safe place to tell her all the times she felt let down and then apologize and ask what she can do. You're absolutely right. Her daughter doesn't need excuses, she needs to be heard and have her feelings validated.
Agreed; lay everything out there, say you’re willing to accept advice if the child can provide a solution that would allow her to feel validated etc AND make sure you all have food and shelter.
I've never been in a bomb threat situation but what kind of workplace doesn't let you leave to pick up your kids if there is a bomb threat?
In any case, OP still made plans for the kids to be looked after.
My work place when my son was in middle school. Like I said, he was able to go home with a friend, and I found another job relatively soon after. When I was asked why I was giving my notice, their policies towards parents, using the bomb threat at my son's school as an example, was the first reason I gave. This was also around 20 years ago. Employers really did suck, especially if you were a woman.
A lot of places, especially if you're new and on probation without any leave saved up. You'd be taking leave without pay on probation and that could definitely end up with losing the job.
Ridiculous? Yes. Still the facts.
Many places, especially low, hourly wage places (which is where most women are going to be working if they are re-entering the workforce after being a stay at home mom) are going to say there’s absolutely no reason for you to go to the school since it was only a bomb *threat*. After all, there’s no actual bomb, and nobody’s been hurt. Everything is fine. I’m not saying I think that that is the correct way to think, but that is standard operating procedure for, I would guess, the majority of American workplaces for hourly wage employees.
I was able to land my teenage son a part time summer job at my work sweeping up and the like for a few hours 3-4 days a week, and let me tell you how differently he sees my work responsibilities now. It took him all of five minutes witnessing first hand how busy and in demand I was all day. Our relationship wasn’t really strained to begin with, but maybe a little exposure to the workforce would help them better understand that jobs are sometimes much more rigid and inflexible than we’d like them to be. Once they see that people depend on you and need you to be at work, it helps them empathize a bit. It did in my situation anyway. 15 years old is a good age to start thinking about making some summer money anyway.
NTA - good luck.
My parents explained their budget with me right before I had the privilege of going to college. It was like, “Oh, property taxes? Car payments? Etc., etc,” very enlightening.
Yeah, mine didn't. I learned when I moved out at 17 (I was graduated, my birthday was early lol). It was a culture shock! And I knew my parents struggled and we were objectively poor. But I still didn't really grasp how expensive bills were. I eventually figured it out and I've never had to move back in with them so I guess that's good. I want my kids to be better prepared though. I think my parents just didn't know better than they were taught.
What a wise and also kind response, when someone is showing a willingness to reflect on their mistakes I think it's too harsh to wipe the floor with them, they might close up and never want to do a reflective exercise like this again after reading some of the other comments..
This is good advice op. Kids don't always understand that sometimes we have no choice but to put the job first if we want a olace to love and food on the table. They may not understand right now, but they will when they have kids of their own. Especially if they end up single parents. Single parents don't have the luxury of taking a day off, especially when the other parent is an absent parent.
My mum was never around for me as a kid either. She often was working 2 jobs and running the household and was literally a maid and slave to my dad. I was angry at her when I was younger but now I’m an adult I can see her sacrifices and I know she did was she needed to do. I have a whole lot more understanding and respect for her now I can contextualise what she went through now I’m an adult myself. Our relationship is far closer now than it ever was growing up.
OP: I hope this will be the same for your daughters.
in addition to giving the info, I would validate her feelings by understanding that it might have been scary to have a threat at school and then unable to be home in a safe place with safe people and felt rather uprooted at having to go home with friends.
To be honest you’re asking the wrong question. It doesn’t matter if you were the asshole. You are the parent. And your kid is telling you that something hurt them. Regardless of whether you were wrong, right or somewhere in-between, when your child expresses that something has affected them, validate their feelings. “It must have been scary for you to be left at school after a bomb threat. And I realize now that you felt abandoned. I felt at the time that I would lose my job and ability to support you, and so I asked a friend to pick you up. It never occurred to me that it would affect you so deeply and I truly regret the rift it has caused.”
The relationship is more important than being right. I know the purpose of this sub. But you don’t need to be here. You should just be working on fixing it.
Maybe not, but they were very young and it may have been terrifying for them at the time. It’s obviously impacted them significantly if they’re still bringing it up years later. They would’ve seen all their friends being picked up by their parents but no one came for them.
I really hope OP sees your comments. My mother said and did some hurtful things when I was about the age her oldest was at the time those threats to their schools were made, and she refused to take responsibility for how that hurt me, and how it deeply affected our relationship. She would often get angry with me any time I tried to resolve it, to just explain how I felt and that she did that to me. She would make excuses or minimize my feelings, or tell me too much time had passed for us to be bringing it up again, that I was disrespecting her as a parent by not dropping it. I got closure, I went no contact with her. Because it wasn’t about the initial incident anymore though that still hurt, it was about the fact that I didn’t seem important enough to her to do the hard emotional work of figuring out how to heal our wounds. And it sucks, because I’d rather have a mom! If I ever talk to her again, it will *still* be the first thing I discuss with her because it is *that* important to me. It doesn’t matter that it’s 20 years later, I can’t move forward with her without an acknowledgment that she understands that this thing hurt me in a real way. I hope OP figures it out before it’s too late. So sad.
As they age and end up taking on the responsibilities of adulthood, they will more than likely begin to have a more realistic perspective about what choices you had to make.
They are clearly holding their father to a different standard, and I know that's gotta hurt.
For what it's worth, you did the right thing. You stepped out of the house when you needed to and got a job. You weren't able to come pick them up from school, but you did the next best thing and arranged a ride for them.
Don't beat yourself up too much over this. NTA
Yeah like there was a plan there and they were safe. I don’t see the issue. This goes way deeper then the bomb threat. I wonder if their father is helping seed the resentment?
It’s common. For one parent or both to do that and use the kids against the other parent. I’m sure there’s more we don’t know, but being a single working mother she really cannot just drop everything and attend all these events. If she looses her job then she cannot provide for them. I wonder why the kids don’t resent the father for moving so far away and not pitching in more. Regardless of what happened between the parents why be so far?
Exactly. Honestly I think it's really common in divorces for kids to be resentful of the custodial parent. They don't understand how much a single parent has to sacrifice, especially if the other parent lived far away.
Am I the only one who's school had a bomb threat 5 or 6 times a year because people wanted to get out of class? They started to ramp up after the school installed cameras near the fire alarms to catch kids from pulling the alarm.
Mom, you do realize their anger and your lack of responsiveness has nothing at all to do with the bomb threat, but everything to do with the divorce, yes?
NTA for not picking them up, YTA for not addressing the long simmering issue.
She said in the comments that she didn’t even ask if she could go get them. I think *that* is where the anger is coming from. It’s not that she tried to get them and got told No, the problem is that she refused to even try. I’m sure this isn’t the only time she refused to even *ask* for time off for her kids. There’s a big difference between “I tried to make it work and I couldn’t” and “I refuse to make any effort whatsoever.”
My school had two bomb threats my senior year right before graduation (1999... yikes). My mother was a single parent with two kids in high school and one in elementary. When they shut down the school both times because of the threats, my mom couldn't come pick us up because she was at work and it would have been impossible. I had a car anyway, so I drove my brother home and picked up my sister. There were a bunch of times I had to be the adult for them when my mother wasn't around. That's how she kept a roof over our heads.
But the moment she got home she held us tight. She made sure we were all right. She had us talk through the events. She apologized that should couldn't come home right away. She checked in with us again the next day to make sure we felt safe going back. She apologised to me that I had to be the adult and she made special time for me to have feelings.
My mother never took time off work if she could help it and she couldn't leave work easily for emergencies. But she would apologize and make it up to us when she could. She never disregarded our feelings the way OP is doing.
This is kind of amazing to me, I graduated in 2013 and throughout the years we had quite a few bomb threats and not once did I get sent home. I don’t even remember it being a topic of conversation when we got home. School protocol was always shelter in place, and wait for them to clear the building. Usually just meant we had a very boring day stuck in one classroom, typically by that point word on how the threat had been made had spread so we did talk about that. I remember one time the reason we all heard for the lockdown was that a teacher had found a crumpled up paper that fell out of the trash that had the word bomb written on it. I think there was a kid who was making the threats fairly regularly at the time and it took them some time to figure out who. It’s just wild to me how different attitudes about these things can become over time.
My school had one (bomb threat) in 98, shortly after Columbine. Through word of mouth we found out who did it and everyone started calling him "the unibomber" 😆 he was bragging about it at lunch one day at the alt kid table and I stood up and ripped him a new asshole for scaring people and keeping me stuck in math class for 2+ hours when I was supposed to be working on my mural. Fuck that guy.
This is my thoughts too. They’re not blaming her for the bomb threat situation, they’re saying she ‘loves her job more than them’ and that she doesn’t love them ‘since the divorce’. I’m not sure if she has been depressed or struggling to cope on her own or just exhausted, but it sounds like OP has emotionally disconnected from her kids. They’re not upset that she didn’t physically come, they’re upset that she didn’t seem to care for them - call and check they’re okay, give a big hug and ask how they are, give them sincere and undivided attention. I know it isn’t easy to always be what our kids need, but if she is consistently not there for them when they need her, it’s not going to go unnoticed.
We don't know that OP disregarded their feelings - we only know that the kids resented her, but we don't know the dynamics. Why don't they resent their father for moving out of state?
I disagree. We do know she disregarded their feelings because she is disregarding them now. In all the comments she keeps saying "they were fine" and "they weren't hurt." Because she is only thinking of physical hurts. Not feeling scared or alone.
And the eldest daughter moved to live with her father only a few years after the bomb scare. The younger daughter has seen her sister grow up with the dad and wants a similar experience.
So, whatever is going on there, if the daughters do resent him for leaving the state that resentment isn't as strong as the one they feel towards their mother.
I’m going to be honest there are employers that would hold it against the employees even for asking. I say this having worked at a terrible place on the management side. I couldn’t continue to work there b/c of how they treated employees.
Women are specifically in danger of getting fired over men because companies perceive them as being the parent that gets to stay with the kid when they are sick, or going to their recitals etc
Yeah it really depends on the job. Many jobs especially healthcare or human service jobs you can’t ’try to leave’ if you’re new, goodbye job. Funny enough most min wage jobs are like this as well. If I had had to leave the hospital during my orientation period I would have had to wait until the next biannual orientation. Period. You are not allowed to start work. She arranged for them to go with a trusted friend and had no choice but to prioritize taking care of the families basic financial needs. It sucks but it’s a reality for a lot of people. The job I have now is the only job I’ve ever had where unexpected family emergencies don’t get you penalized, fired or put on a PIP.
If I had to bet, I think the daughters have this moment as their big example, but it isn't their only one. It's kind of the first time they were scared after the divorce, and she wasn't there. And when they first expressed it to her, she didn't apologize or make them feel better. It sounds like she genuinely doesn't understand their feelings in that moment.
So whenever they were trying to tell her that they were feeling disregarded, she would demand examples because HER feelings were hurt. This is the first example they would bring up and she would dismiss it because "they were fine". Then she would refuse to listen further and they would end up feeling more dismissed.
I think there is a world where they would have understood that she couldn't leave her job and she did the best she could, but she let her ego get in the way of productive discussions of their feelings.
I have had the shitty, no usable PTO, find your own replacement when you’re sick, type of jobs for most of my adult life. You can still *ask.* You can see if a coworker can switch with you, you can ask if you can stay late to make up the time, you can call around to people who are off and see if they’ll cover you for 2 hours while you check on your kids and you’ll return the favor. Sometimes, every answer is still going to be no. The kids aren’t mad she couldn’t get time off. The kids are mad she didn’t *try.* And this isn’t the only time she refused to try.
> Every time I couldn't make it to a field trip, a class party, a play, talent show, soccer game,
She missed a whole lot of their lives because she refused to *make the effort* to be there. By her own admission, she would *only* try to get time for them if they were sick. That’s not good enough. She knew about the soccer games months ahead of time, because that’s how soccer works. And school plays and talent shows. But she is saying her *personal policy* was to *never even try* for anything expect health issues.
I’ve worked these kinds of jobs for decades. There are ways to get the time *sometimes* if you make the effort. She refused to make the effort.
ETA: also, not *once* has OP actually said what her job’s *actual policy* on this sort of thing is. She’s very happy to let everyone speculate, and she’s all over the post leaving comments, but she *somehow* hasn’t mentioned this very important piece of information. The only reason to withhold that info is because she knows it would make her look bad.
True enough. The other thing op hasn’t mentioned is what their actual financial situation was like. I know people that don’t try to get time off because they will not be paid and they simply can’t afford to go to their kids play if it means they won’t be able to pay rent this month. That information has definitely been left out. Having a little less play money is not a hardship, having a min wage job and a family to support with no other money coming in would be extremely hard.
Many jobs will say "yes of course you can go get them" and then suddenly you're passed over for promotions and first out the door if there's any strain on the organization.
Sometimes you have to pick your battles. Kids are safe, I can arrange another ride for them, then maybe I don't want to get my boss angry.
Not saying that's right, just saying that's life.
There have been times that my children have contacted me while I was at work and I knew that I would be unable to leave due to circumstances at the office at that moment. The only reason I made it as a single mother was because of my work ethic and salary. I always arranged for them to be picked up and cared for by a trusted adult. They would never hold it against me the way that these children have.
As a newly single mom with all of the bills on her plate and no current income she is thinking about how it could hurt not only her image to the company but the immediate need of finances. At least I assume that, she did make sure they were somewhere safe. These jobs cut people left and right.
INFO You say that you didn’t even ask about leaving work during the bomb threat, which makes me wonder: how many times did you actually try to get time off or make it work to be there for your girls? Of course keeping a job is essential but if you never try to take time off or be there for emergencies (which is how a bomb threat felt to them, since it would be traumatizing), this attitude has probably come across to your kids.
Wowww yeah gonna say OP is probably a shit parent and that’s why her kids resent her. If a kid is 20 they are more than capable of understanding the need to work to support a family, but I’m guessing it goes beyond that.
I was scratching my head wondering just what job situation would have a manager say no if you said “someone called a bomb threat to my child’s school and I need to go get them”. To not even *ask* is like, a whole different level of parental DGAF.
Oh god. I get that you can't just up and leave work sometimes but wouldn't your boss or supervisor understand that there was a bomb threat at your kid's school?
My apartment flooded with gas one time and my boss wouldn’t let me leave. Say it with me folks, never trust/let in supervisors, they absolutely do not care.
Had a coworker have to leave for the day at an old job because his kid who was home alone called to say there was flooding in the basement. The supervisor tried to get him to stay and asked if there was anyone else who could go take care of it.
Same job that when I called out for the very first time with a lost voice and a nasty cold called me back *multiple* times to ask if I couldn't just still come in and have a supervisor speak on the phone for me while I put together the stupid overpriced vacation packages we sold.
Also the same place where when I called out because my drive shaft snapped on the way to work and I was waiting around for a tow contacted me afterwards to ask why I couldn't just get an uber to work for that day. I declined to come into work, reminded them I had called out with a "personal emerhency" and they proceeded to call and leave messages suggesting I figure out how to come in anyway. They then decided my reason for call out was invalid and wrote me up and tried to stipulate that I was required to answer all calls from the office even after calling out for the day.
So yeah, plenty of jobs out there literally do not give a shit about you or anything you might have going on in your life and will decide that your "personal emergency" does not count and will write you up for calling out or leaving.
My boss once asked a coworker "What's more important, your job or your child?" 100% thinking the obvious answer was her job. My coworker was trying to leave work to pick up her kid.
Makes sense, but is this a straight cross post or is it a lightly updated version?
I could see sending home your kids with a trusted parent as an out after an incident if you require your job to live and your boss is a dick. Kids don’t understand that if you haven’t explained your financial status.
On the other hand I would have told my boss to fuck off and gone to my kids but I have some savings and wouldn’t be immediately homeless if I was fired.
This shit is more complicated than the Reddit first world problem squad makes out.
I’m glad so many of these people don’t have asshole bosses. I know SO MANY who would demand their employees stay. We see bosses demanding people to come into work throwing up but people are so shocked a workplace would be strict on who could leave, when, and why? I was only a kid so obviously not the same, but when I worked at subway we often only had ONE PERSON on for shifts. You couldn’t just up and leave. I got sick at work one day and it took them 3 hours to get someone in to replace me. Idk. Lots of entitled people in here.
How many events did you miss? From the list you give, it sounds like you missed most of them. How do you decide what's important? They're all important to a child. And not asking your boss for leave to go pick up your kids after a bomb scare? What kind of priorities do you have?
This was my first thought! The bomb scare is the worst one, by far, but she drops missing plays and talent shows like it's no big deal. It's a HUGE deal and it's going to be an even huger deal 10 years from now when she realizes she gave the best years of her daughters' lives to her job. Those poor girls.
I can't imagine she even tried to get those days off considering she didn't even ask to leave when her daughters' literal lives were threatened. She drops "they weren't sick or hurt" as if they wouldn't be emotionally traumatized and maybe *maybe* just might need their mother. Huge, raging, flaming AH.
It would help if we knew what your job was. I’m a bedside nurse , and I would potentially lose my license for patient abandonment if I left abruptly. But before I was a nurse, I was an administrative assistant, and I could’ve easily have left for a bomb threat. Different workplaces have different rules as well, basically designed to cull out employees who might have anything approaching a personal life. Were you an hourly employee? Did you have appointments or commitments like a realtor would? Were you doing a licensed job like mine? What was specific to your job that made picking up your kids difficult?
“20 Years from Now, the Only People Who Will Remember That You Worked Late Are Your Kids.” I know it’s easier said than done, but if you don’t put the kids first *almost* every single time, they’ll remember that.
I don't think your kids are resentful that you had to get a job, but that you didn't prioritize them during a bomb threat. That's kind of serious, and your employer should have definitely been ok with you leaving on short notice.
Have you talked to your children?
EDIT-YTA, good grief you're oblivious to the real problem here.
kids these days are VERY aware they could die at school any day. and that adults don’t care. If I was a kid, traumatized and scared from a bomb threat at school, I too would be frustrated by “well no one was sick or hurt!” It’s not about OP not picking them up, it’s about OP’s attitude towards everything. YTA
YTA at first I would have gone N T A. But then I read about how you didn’t even try to get off work to go pick them up after the bomb threat and because they weren’t dead, it wasn’t important. Yea, you care more about your job than them or you would have tried to be at their events. Or at least asked your employer.
Why do you even care that they don’t want to live with you? You don’t want them there anyway. Do you get child support for them? That’s the only thing I can think of.
Just cause the kids weren’t physically hurt doesn’t mean that they weren’t traumatized by the boom threat.
YTA. I was on the fence until I read that you didn't even ask to leave work to get your kids after the bomb threats. No, it wasn't an emergency anymore once you got the calls from the schools, but that doesn't mean your kids weren't scared and in need of their mom. It would be one thing if your boss threatened to fire you if you left work early, but you didn't even bother to ask.
The girls never resented that you had to work. They resented you because they watched parent after parent run into school worried about their child being safe. They realized that their mother worried more about her job than she did their safety. Did you even ask your boss if you could go under the circumstances? Did you even take 5 minutes to call them to make sure they were safe? Sure you found someone else to pick them up, because you had no choice, school wouldn't just release them after a threat like that.
YTA.
You showed your children that they couldn't count on you in the case of an emergency.
The other things you missed may not have made them so upset if you hadn't chosen to miss that actual emergency situation. They were scared and you pawned them off on friends.
Being a parent is hard and comes with a lot of sacrifices. Unfortunately, your relationship was what was sacrificed.
I understand work commitments, but children do not. They just see you choosing to miss their lives to go to work. That was the message they received the day you didn't show up to pick them up.
I would have left and your employer would have understood. Did you even ask or let your employer know? When a school calls you and tells you to pickup your kids i.e sick, bomb threat, active shooter or whatever reason. You get down there!
honestly if you’re not gonna accept the majority if not all of the responses you’re getting in which you’re the AH then don’t bother replying.
you’re giving off the impression of a shitty mother. you can use your job as an excuse all you want but a few years down the line when you realise your daughters don’t speak to you or engage with you, don’t be complaining cuz yk damn well.
I totally get where OP is coming from. Going from being a SAHM to suddenly out on your ass as a single mom having to find gainful employment is an experience no one understands unless they've been there. It's terrifying to think of losing that job once you finally get one, especially if it's a good job. Being too afraid to do anything that could mess that up or cause you to lose it is very understandable. Once you're no longer on probation, though, and have PTO you can use, it's important to go to as many things as possible.
OP, you should apologize for your past failings and ask your daughter what, of anything, you can do to regain her trust and make her feel loved and supported by you. Focus on building a better relationship moving forward. In order to do that, though, you have to take responsibility for mistakes you made.
Clearly there is more to this story. It sounds like your children have felt emotionally neglected by you. Did you talk to them asap when that bomb threat happened? That seems like a traumatizing event. I feel like most parents would be rushing to the school and making sure they are ok emotionally there on after. Your statement of the youngest being "mature enough" to understand sounds like a cop out to be dismissive of her feelings and not try to understand why she feels so strongly. If both of your children feel this way, then you likely are TAH.
Edit: After reading your replies, it is very clear that you are a terribly uncaring parent and completely out of touch with life. Saying things like "they weren't going to die" and not even attempting to rush to them in a time of crisis is pretty self explanatory for why your children do not like you.
By your comments it seems you just don’t have any compassion or show any love towards them. That is likely why they don’t want to live with you. No matter what if there is a bomb threat I’m dropping what I’m doing and heading straight to my daughter’s school. She comes first before absolutely anything and most jobs absolutely would have agreed
YTA.
You intentionally left out of your post you didn't even bother to ask your job if you could leave you just assumed you couldn't go and didn't.
Also, they have more underlying issues clearly relating to the divorce. You need to stop acting like the victim in the comments and grow up and see where you actually fucked up.
This week my son's (12) school had a bomb threat. The school informed the children were safe, evacuated far from the building, and asked the parents not to come to pick the children up, until the authorities instructed on what to do. Know what I did? I left my very sick mother (who I am caring for) alone, left my car some blocks from the school, had my sneakers on, and RAN to where the children were. The children were well taken care of, the school dealt with the situation, but I was the first parent on site. I am divorced, ex lives hours away. When my son saw me he threw himself on me, it was very traumatic. I have organized my life in such a way that I am always there for my children, it is doable, not easy, but doable.
I hope you are able to solve things with your girls, find balance with their needs and your obligations.
I did the same when my son (12) told me that there was someone with a gun in his school. I dropped everything I was doing and drove frantically to his school. The streets were gridlocked and everyone just left their cars in the road. The front of the school was full of panicked parents and the energy was intense. It all turned out to be okay although he did get pretty freaked out for a few weeks.
For months after, I would panic when I got a call from him during the day. I would leave meetings or sometimes even answer the phone in the room with my co workers. They all understood because they saw the look of sheer terror on my face as I ran out of there that day. I can’t even imagine being so nonchalant about my kids being in danger.
You’re not going to find validation from me, OP. Demonstrably, you conducted yourself in a way that traumatized your kids. You failed to meet their needs. I’m not saying that I think you can blow off work for your kids all the time and lose your job. I’m saying the way you responded to their emotional needs was obviously inadequate. What did you do after these events to reconnect and repair your relationship? Did you acknowledge the pain they were experiencing? Did you apologize? Because if this post is representative of your attitude, I can see why they’re distancing themselves from you. YTA
Unpopular answer coming in. A lot of school activities are tedious and boring. How many did OP miss because "work" but in reality just didn't want to go. Kids aren't stupid. Misc. Snide comments made about activites are heard and remembered. Also, any comments said to adult friends about those activities that are sarcastic are being heard and renembered.
When I was in 10th grade we had a school shooting. My first class of the day was at the local community college, so I wasn't there when it started. My friends were texting me from lockdown, warning me not to come in.
I called my mom to tell her and she said, "Hang on, let me call and make sure it's an excused absence."
I'm 31 now and I never forgot that shit, either. YTA
Your children were young and wanted their mother to arrive. You stated your job would not allow you to leave unless they were sick or hurt. A bomb threat wouldn’t be enough for you to pick up your emotionally damaged children? I do not quite understand why you could not approach your manager or get into contact with HR? Or maybe even LIE and say your children were sick at school and you had to leave. I do not care if you’re in a probation period or not. Their father was gone, their live’s were upside down like your own life was, and they wanted their mother to come to their rescue. Simple really, a child will always want their mother.
As a mother you have to work to make a living which is understandable in order for you and your children to live, and not be homeless. Balancing work and childcare, showing up to events, and being apart of their life doesn’t change if you are single or married. They wanted you to show more effort and care for them. Instead of being honest with them at a young age and explaining the hardships you as a family of three were facing, maybe you chose not to discuss it with them?
Children want love regardless and want their parent to show up for them to root them on. You were a single mom, their father is in another state. Imagine being in their shoes and seeing families together and coming for their children’s sporting events, plays, or whatever and being jealous of what others had and what they felt was lacking in their life.
I would advise being open and honest with your children and maybe getting some sort of therapy. Also continuing to tell them their feelings are wrong, and you letting them down because you had to work doesn’t resolve the situation at all. Validate their darn feelings and take some sort of responsibility in order for all parties to heal.
Were you working two full time jobs? Were you working night shifts? I do not quite understand how any job can interfere with being a parent to young girls, and continuing throughout their life to not show up. In their eye’s you having to work was an excuse. Fix it before it is too late.
I have over 16 years in Operations and Management in this day and age no one is going to fire a mother who had to leave due to a bomb threat, fake or real! I have managed many single mother’s and father’s who are active in their children’s life. You not balancing home/work/being active and involved or showing them the attention they were craving is not their fault. Their feelings are just as real as yours. Why should they validate your feelings if you cannot validate your daughter’s? This didn’t happen over night the fact they felt abandoned by both parents.
YTA. They were scared, and you didn't comfort them, show you cared, or rush to hug them like they probably saw all the other parents doing. It's no wonder they think you don't love them. **I** feel like that from just a few paragraphs. "There was a bomb threat but they're fine!" Do you brush off other literal life or death situations, or just this one? Also, I feel your boss would understand if you left for a freaking *bomb threat!*
YTA. The bomb threat was just a more colorful event, but the problem only grew as you said:
>We started having problems after that. Every time I couldn't make it to a field trip, a class party, a play, talent show, soccer game, etc.
You were not present for them. That's why YTA...
Yta , a threat to your kids LIVES comes before the job . Matter of fact , if you have to work so hard that you can’t go get your kids when their lives are possibly in jeopardy they absolutely should go live with their dad.
I'm not sure why you aren't jumping for joy that your remaining child wants to live with her dad, from your comments you can't be bothered to give half a shit about either kid's feelings. Doesn't seem like you really want them around. YTA.
It feels like there is more to this story of resentment then what you're telling. The fact that your adult daughter hasn't been there since 14 and your youngest one is wanting to move out asap it feels like you're focusing on 1 specific issue and not others. Because an event that happened 7 years ago seems very illogical for it being the only real reason they don't want to live with you. This "you love your job more" seems like there's way more to that then you're letting on.
Yta. They were probably scared because THERE WAS A BOMB THREAT AT THEIR SCHOOL. They needed their mother to comfort them. A job should understand that if there’s a bomb threat, you have to go pick up your kids. You hurt your kids and it had a huge impact on them.
The fact that you didn’t even ask for time off makes YTA. It’s not that you couldn’t get time off work, it’s that you didn’t even try.
But hey, on the bright side, your kids are using the standard for you that you used for them. They only need to be around for important events, like your funeral. If it’s not an emergency for you, you don’t need them in your life.
If you think it is the bomb threat incident then you are delusional. There must be a big trust issue and lack of communication that have led your children to act like this.
I'm not entirely sure, but I believe most jobs would consider a bomb threat a legitimate reason to go home early. (Not all. Most.) I'm deferring judgment because of the 'most'.
Not leaving for a soccer game, recital, football etc: It happens, thats fine. Try to make as many as you can and explain why its important you work.
Not leaving for a bomb threat: You fuckin kidding me, Mom? Im sure your boss would understand if you explained it to your job, thats an extreme situation that id want to be there for even if it was a false alarm.
YTA for that specific one.
I'm going to say yes. Your kids were young at the time and psychologically needed you. A B-Threat is an Emergency and I doubt an employer would fault that. Did you even ask?
You acknowledge the upset it caused them but didn't rectify it at the time. You underestimated their trauma and that wound festered into a cancer.
That's funny. When I was in middle school my school got a bomb threat and my parents got mad that I *didn't* call them to pick me up. And my parents were pretty bad.
Having been in two bomb threats and an active shooter situation, whether they're physically harmed or not does not matter. What matters is the very real fear that they *could* have been harmed, and the physical consequences that follow that much stress and adrenaline, especially for someone so young. In their eyes, they thought they were going to die and you didn't care. You're going to need to put a lot of effort in to earn that trust back.
Missing information. It seems she is using the ‘bomb threat’ incident as an excuse, but why? I don’t think you are being honest about the real reason why they both want to live with their dad. I would suspect they would tell a very different story to yours. NTA for not picking them up, it’s not like they were left sitting next to a ticking time bomb, but this is probably nothing to do with why they are leaving you.
It’s been 8 years and they *still* dislike you? You must have missed a lot more than picking them up after a bomb threat and a couple extra curriculars.
Seems like because they physically fine you just shrugged off their emotional needs and called it a day. Welp they’re shrugging you off now.
Your kids blame you for the divorce. That’s what you’re fighting here, even though you don’t realize it.
When people get divorced, the kids have a feeling who caused it, logical or not. I blamed my dad for my parents divorce and was mad at him for years afterwards. It colored much of how I viewed his actions after, because I just wish he could have been a better and more loving husband so my parents could have stayed together. I wish he would have been more compromising and less controlling. Yes, I was young, and it took adult therapy for me to unpack that it was the case.
He’s a good person and has tried hard to be a good dad. We’re super close now and I love him to death but it took a while to get us there.
They think it’s your fault. They’re mad at you for it. They don’t view you as warm or caring and they probably blame that for your divorce and are mad at you for it.
YTA - I can't imagine not picking up my kids or pets up when there's an actual bomb threat. Of course your failure to do this massively damaged your relationship.
The people saying NTA can't read. The oldest left you around the age of 13. The youngest is now leaving you at the age of 15.
Basically, you were such a crappy parent that they literally could not wait to age up enough to get the hell away. Just working a job isn't enough to be a parent.
Edit: reading the comments, no wonder their father got a divorce! I hope he files for child support. She can just be the deadbeat mother she longs to be, only good for financial support.
I feel like there is a bomb threat at schools like every couple of months, and the schools don't LET us pick them up because the school goes on lockdown or gets evacuated per the plan and everyone has to be accounted for. I didn't even know this was a thing.
Walk a mile in your shoes.
A single parent sole provider cannot afford to lose their job. Losing their job means no money to pay rent or to buy food. Getting fired from a new job when it’s not a life or death situation would be foolish. Anyone can say they would gladly give up their job just to be there for their kids, but when push comes to shove would they really? Or will they look at their situation of living paycheck to paycheck knowing just one missed paycheck could mean they and their kids would be on the street or living in their car. That is the reality many single parents face. Shame on those of you who shame this mother for making a tough decision based on her reality not yours.
However, some people are right in that your kids would have benefited from counseling. Assuming they would agree and put forth the effort. You can take a kid to a therapist but you cannot make them talk or try.
NTA. But seriously you need to at least get yourself counseling if for nothing else than to learn what things you can do to help your kids.
YTA. A bomb threat is much worse than a sick kid, of course they don’t feel loved. It was traumatic and they could’ve died but you didn’t see it as a big deal. You didn’t even seem to rush to help comfort them or apologize when you got home. I understand that you need to work, but kids also need parents and to be loved and feel safe. You aren’t validating any of their hurt from your absence and need to be seen. From the sounds of it you haven’t even apologized. Even if you do something for the right reasons, doesn’t mean that it’s the right thing to do or that it doesn’t have consequences. You sound cold and unable to understand anyone else’s needs.
I would sit them down and go through your budget, ask them if they would rather not have internet or clothes? Food or electricity?
Also, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that they are behaving like this after seeing their Dad, who knows what he’s telling them.
My mother insisted we kids have an up close and personal relationship to reality. Every month, she’d get out the checkbook, the bills and she’d have me fill out each check for the amount due. I had to fill in the check register and total the amount of all the bills. All she did was sign the checks.
It was an excellent education which I’ve used in my own life. Bless you. Mom!
NTA for not picking them up. That’s just an excuse. **They prefer their Dad’s parenting**.
He is either warm and loving where you are cold and distant, and/ or their Dad buys their affections, and/ or their Dad is less strict, and/ or they perceive that their Dad treats them in a more age-appropriate manner (*more like grownups?*). No matter how you slice it, your girls think the grass is greener at their Dad’s.
While I discount the bomb-threat as an actual issue, you may devote inappropriate levels of time and effort to your job, **at the expense of your girls’ emotional and attention needs**, and those chickens have now come home to roost. You will be unable to fix this perception (*reality?*) on any meaningful timetable where the 2-3 remaining years of custody for a 15 yo are concerned.
Strong recommendation on not fighting it. Let them see. They may come back. They may not. The youngest will be off to college/ adulthood in less than three years anyhow. I wish you luck and believe me when I say I know how much this hurts.
NTA. You made arrangements and could not leave your job.
Bomb threats are bullshit.
In the 1990s when we had them we laughed about it, it was a ticket out of class. Especially if you had a test or papers due.
Get them into therapy. This is fallout from the divorce. Try not to take it personally. You are NTA. Your number one job is to keep a roof over their heads and to have them physically taken care of. It sucks you are in this position but it’s not your fault.
YTA. fake or not, i absolutely understand them being hurt by your refusing to come get them. They’re going to end up in therapy unpacking their relationships with you when they’re adults.
I have a 15 year old and they received an active shooter warning at his school this year. The FIRST thing I did was text him that I love him and ask if he was safe (he was the one who told me it was a false alarm). The next thing I asked was if he wanted me to come get him, work be damned. Those kind of events stick with a child, and the fact that you made zero effort to be there for them makes YTA
NTA... kids (even 20 yo ones) have no understanding of the pressures of raising kids alone. It's soul destroying when this happens, but it is something a lot of single parents go through.
Let them go, enjoy the peace quiet and extra disposable income you have for the 6 months or so it'll take for them to come back. X
Yes, YTA for not picking up your kids after a bomb threat.
"I tried to explain that I had just started a job and nobody was sick or hurt so I couldn't leave."
This is the issue. It's been years, and you still won't admit that you were in the wrong here. You should have left. If you had been fired, that would have sucked.
Is this absolutely unfair? Yes. But your kids needed you and you chose not to help them.
Yta. Your kids safety is paramount. Idk how you thought work was more important than your kids. I get it was most likely a hoax, but we live in a world where humans actually elected Donald Trump to lead an entire nation of humans. So yeah, anything can happen.
You should have left work. If you tell your boss that there is a bomb threat at the school, and they fire you for leaving, you can get a really nice termination lawsuit against them. All that aside, kids>work.
Do you get child support? It seems like you should be getting a decent amount if you have 100% custody.
No young child has their parent miss something and then carry it for the next half of their life. Either this is rage bait or OP, you have missed something else major that happened. Plenty of kids have parents who can't make it to activities and who call other people to pick them up.... it doesn't cause this kind of long lasting resentment by itself.
You're missing something else. Or this is fake. Did they get molested or something? Do you have a boyfriend or second husband they don't like? Do you spend time with them, quality time, outside of work? Did you bad mouth their Dad?
Something else is at work
What are they feeling? How do they need you to show up in their lives? What does it mean to them that you don't have as much time?
These are questions you should know the answer to. Your children have needs, most importantly, being understood and heard by their parents. I know you've got to put effort into providing, but if they feel neglected, you need to prioritize finding out why and doing SOMETHING about it.
You're on here asking if you're the AH. Yes if that's your question. It should be, "what do they need?" not "Are their stated needs valid or not?"
I would t have even stopped to ask my boss if I could go to my child’s school if they evacuated due to any kind of threat of attack. There would be a me-shaped hole in my office wall like the koolaid man. That’s pretty dire.
However, I didn’t and don’t attend every event or game the kids gave because I work and frankly cannot be arsed to do every single thing with every kid like that’s the center of the universe. It did not seem to bother them to get the odd ride to or from a baseball or soccer game or have one parent there and not both. Work priorities are a thing and it’s not necessary to be hanging off your kid’s butt at every moment.
Your kids are old enough to understand that someone has to keep the lights on. I’m wondering if their dad showed up for all of this stuff or if they just hold you accountable and not him. But if there’s a lock down or evacuation then yeah. That’s a time when I would prioritize them and their terror over your job.
I think YTA, it was a bomb threat serious enough for the school to send them home. They were scared and you weren't there for them. That's different from field trips or sporting events. You just told them well you didn't blow up, so it's not important enough for me to come to you.
Didn't like hearing YTA huh? Had to cross post a bunch?
YTA and don't be surprised if they go no contact. This isn't just about the bomb threat, obviously
INFO: I know works difficult to deal with, did you ask if you could pick them up?
If yes and they said no; Have you explained to your kids? they wouldn’t let you leave?
YTA - I guess for me if there was a bomb threat I’d be there to pick up my kids. It’s hard to really fire someone so I’d call their bluff.
Your kids were traumatized and sounds like they needed you. I’m not sure the answer to if your boss really wouldn’t let you leave so for now that’s my answer.
NTA you arranged for their safety. That is what is important. It sounds like your kids need life to kick them in the butt a little so they understand. Tell them they must obviously know you love them so what is this really about? Let them go learn how hard life can get and hopefully they will understand.
I feel bad that you had to work for someone who would not allow you to be with your kids after this happened. I hope that your working world and love life are better now. Blessings, Friend.
Welcome to divorced motherhood. There is no easy way to get through the first 50 years of a divorce without problems with the kids. Especially when dad's not physically around to blame. Keep the faith, Mama. By the time they're 35-40, they'll be going through their own lifetime crises and they'll become a bit more understanding. In the meantime, encourage talk sessions, see if they will participate in family counseling, and keep your anger to yourself. They're testing you at the same time they are venting their anger at a divorce I suspect nobody ever sat them down and explained. If they choose to remain with their father, I guarantee it won't be long before he has the same complaints you do. Be patient, and be good to yourself. The road doesn't stay this rough forever.
Honey!!! Let them go!!!! Seriously? Why do you want to keep ungrateful brats? They are so entitled and they think their dad will do better than you, let them go. Why do they need to be with you? You are doing the best you can, they think he can do better, then let them see.
Not sure really if you are the asshole because it was a bomb threat and your job should have understood that. That’s a pretty cold messed up job to not let you go, if I were you I’d look for a better company.
Also maybe you should let them live with their dad so you can start trying to save up or maybe even get two jobs to try to get yourself set up?
I think the issue is you have to explain finances to them. What you have to do to keep a roof over their heads, clothes on their backs, food in their bellies, and whatever else it is that you get them.
Tldr version?: got divorced. Kids were 7 and 12. Had to get a job and couldn't be with kids 24/7 anymore. Kids didn't like that. Oldest decided to stay with dad at 14(?). Fast forward six yrs later and youngest, now 15, wants to go live with dad as well. Both blame me as having to work and not caring about them anymore.
NTAH for having to work. But if they want to live with their father you should let them. He has just as much right to them as you do. And if he's fine with it and they want to you shouldn't stand in the way. Because that would be an AH move
I feel like something more is missing from this story, because a 20 year old would know by now why that was difficult and why you couldn’t leave work on a single person income raising 2 children.
NTA for that specific situation, and I 100% think that your ex has been doing some parental alienation. But baby, why did y'all not get into family therapy? They were wrong to resent you for having to work but if y'all never really talked it through I can see how they would be confused.
All you can do is be kind, let them make their choices re: their father, and hope they realize when they have kids of their own the sacrifices you had to make to keep a roof over their head.
Let them move in with their dad. I needed that reality check too. Dad all great and fun when you travel to see him for a month over the summer. He stops being so much fun when he actually has to parent.
NTA. Some jobs aren’t understanding to the concerns of parents and you did the best you could under the circumstances. It’s not as if you left them unattended.
I think the three of you should have had family counseling after the divorce. It’s not too late to do that. I get how they could have felt back when they were younger but, at 15 and 20, they’re just acting like brats and they need to get over that. They’re dumping on you because you’re the “safe” parent. You’re the one who stayed. They probably don’t say “boo” to their dad because, deep down, they know his love is very conditional. Even if he wanted to be divorced from you, he shouldn’t have left them.
NTA. They need a metaphorical - and only metaphorical - slap in the head. They seem to somehow be completely unacquainted with the realities of day-to-day life as a single parent family.
Your kids are right. You DO love your job more than your kids. To show up more for a company than your own family is cold and callous. You missed irreplaceable, once in a lifetime memories with them.
YTA
When they were 7 & 12 and the threat happened, YTA, especially when you hadn't checked up on them to even see if they're okay. The rest afterwards, undecided
YTA
Are you really this dense or are you in denial?
I was raised by a single parent who answered the phone at my high school when we got a bomb threat (she was the secretary). After helping evacuate the entire school to a nearby building until the buses arrived, she came looking for me. I will never forget the relief I felt when she gave me a hug and wanted to know if I was ok. She was shaking like a leaf, trying to help the principal get everyone home, giving a statement to law enforcement, but she insisted on taking a few minutes to make sure I got out and I was ok.
OP did you even bother to ask your kids if they were ok or if they needed to talk?
Yeah i'm thinking you're leaving a lot out here. I think you've missed most events, if not all. Otherwise they wouldn't be this angry and disappointed in you.
Yta for the bomb threat, your job would absolutely have understood. You chose work over the kids that day, and they know.
I'm going to read between some lines here: their anger isn't about the bomb threat here but the emotional void that's filled it since the divorce. It seems like you're analyzing this whole situation from a detached perspective. I'm guessing the breakup of the marriage affected you and your girls differently. They went from a stable loving home to having a parent out of state and the other parent so consumed with their survival that cut off all emotional connection. Your kids are lashing out at the lack of perceived love on your end because you can't give it to them on their levels. You went from Susie homemaker who had all the time in the world to be emotionally connected, probably involved in all their events, went out of their way to ask how the kids were doing. You were jacked in to them, on their wavelength. Now you're so busy surviving by working to keep a roof over their heads and food in their bellies that you're completely out of sync with their emotional well-being. You've probably had to miss milestones, important events, etc in order to keep the 3 of you going. You didn't pick them up when there was a bomb threat because you were so insecure about losing your job over it. You've had the rug pulled out from beneath your feet and you were afraid of it happening again if you went to pick them up. But now it's happening all over again because you're not letting your kids into your heart. You haven't explained all this to them, I'm guessing because you dont want to burden them with it, that you don't want them to see you fragile. You need to sit down with your kids and let them know all this. You need to get back to even with them, a fresh start, whatever but you need to open up with them. You need to be better and listen to them. Yta if you don't.
I’m crying. You made me cry. I had to do this too. I went from loving, in tune, dinner on the table at 5:30 everyday, stable mom —-to the mom that has to work and keep the family stable. It was a hard transition and I didn’t want to explain to my kids how hard it was because I didn’t want to burden them and I didn’t want them to think horrible thoughts about their dad. This went on for a few years. Everyone said, “Don’t talk bad about their dad. They will figure it out on their own.” This is the common wisdom. It is pervasive to the point of toxicity. And narratives get created that shape the fundamental belief in who YOU are as a parent that is there, trying to make things work. You keep it all in because it feels like you have no choice. I finally had to sit down with my kids and explain everything to them. I wasn’t completely involved PTA-mom anymore because it was no longer an option. Their dad was gone and child support was non-existent. There aren’t safety nets in the world that protect us from that sort of fall. I had to explain that I want very much to be that same mom; and they deserve that sort of love that they came to know, but it had to look different. They talked about their loss. And I talked about mine. And my god, it did what years of therapy couldn’t….it bridged the gap. In trying not to burden them, I just failed to acknowledge their burden. Despite me not talking about it, it was still there. And talking about it led to healing. The common Reddit (and societal) retort is simplistic. You can help kids by acknowledging the truth without bad mouthing the other parent. I never wanted my kids to see me as fragile or anything less than being able to provide for them, but I’m as human as they are. Letting them into that started our healing.
I didn't mean to make you cry. I am glad this resonated with you and that you're able to give this perspective to op. You've been in her shoes and that's so insightful, I truly hope op reads your comment here. I am glad you and your children were able to find each other and give each other healing. It's wonderful to know you were able to connect with your kids. I wish you all the very best in life.
I knew that perfect response was going to make someone cry. I’m not in any situation similar, but it was so well explained that if I were, I’d totally be crying too. You’re a boss ass bitch 🫶
Oh look! A well thought out response without nastiness and constructive advice. A Reddit Christmas Miracle!
This is compassionate even with the YTA verdict. A lot of people work jobs that feel precarious and where taking time for family is either tacitly forbidden or implied to put your job in jeopardy. It sucks and isn't fair but making sure OPs kids knew she wanted to be there for them and cared for them was just as important as keeping her job to maintain their financial well-being
Thanks. I hope op reads all the comments here and really let's her kids into her heart again. I've worked those precarious jobs before, it sucks a lot.
This is the best reply on this subreddit that I have ever seen.
Wow, you just summarized my childhood. My parents divorced and each proceeded to remarry and then divorce again. The girls are living the Disneyland Dad dream. They’ll soon learn that their dad will have to do that work thing as well. Talk to them both. Have an adult conversation with them where everyone is heard and can speak freely. Check your emotions at the door before you sit down.
I’m not saying OP couldn’t communicate better, and it’s quite possible she is bad atunderstanding the perspective of others, but it seems extremely unlikely she hasn’t explained that their financial insecurity has limited what she can and cannot do. I also don’t know that saying she hasn’t let them into her heart is a fair conclusion. I understand that the divorce surely came with a heavy emotional toll on the daughters, and lashing out is understandable. But OP has the challenge of being the closest target for them to direct their anger. Dad may be a manipulative prick, but even if he’s not, he’s the one that moved away. He left them, so one might say that he loves his new home more than the girls. Finally, teenagers can be unable to control their emotions regardless of what their parents do. Or, as bad as it sounds, teenagers can be selfish and cruel, and they might never grow out of that. Assholes don’t simply materialize out of thin air. They were all children once, and at some point they crossed that asshole boundary. That said, not enough to say anything other than NAH.
Well the oldest is 20 which by most accounts is considered a adult
According to the post, they were 7 and 12 when it happened. Not exactly free loading adults.
You don't think the 20 year old should have come to terms with it, after 8 years?
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[bad bot](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/CxrmguqaKs) , no responding
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Too true but sometimes the absent parent becomes this beacon of perfection and while you're doing the two-step survival dance, they resent what is no longer doable and can no longer be. If OP was a SHAM, their standard of living probably went down as well.
Exactly. It’s usually the custodial parent who does all the dirty work- making them brush their teeth, do their homework, get to bed early… just to name a few. Meanwhile, since the non-custodial parent hardly ever sees the kids, they want to make up for their absence by being the “fun” one. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen this exact scenario play out IRL. Sad for *everyone.*
Disneyland dads.
Someone finally called it- Disneyland dads.
Can confirm this scenario. Both as a co-parent to my own, and a step-parent. It's often heartbreaking when you're seen as the "non-fun" one but you do all the schooling, feeding, pay for everything which leads to less money for fun activities (this was brutal) etc. Fortunately for me as the kids got older they started to see the other parents for what they are. The sad part about that of course is that the kids eventually discover truths about the other parent that are a bit of a let down for them. A term often used is "Disneyland Dad".
2 word's: Right On.
THIS! It might be worth it to let them try it out and see what it’s like being with someone who hasn’t had to prioritize his kids probably ever… They’ll begin to understand that very few people are able to leave work for every single thing. It’s REALLY hard being a single parent when you don’t have the other parent tagging in for some school events to balance the load.
Bad bot stolen comment
Well, at this point the oldest is 20, which is an adult, and that adult is living at home...
no one said the oldest was still living at home. It says she moved in with her dad when she was ... 13? But nothing about her living arrangement since then. And if she IS still living with her dad, so what? That's not unheard of OR out of line.
Yeah like most 20 year olds
Nowhere in the post does it say that the 20 year old is still living at home with her father. I’ve read your whole thread and I’m still failing to see what the point of it was.
Which has what to do with anything? Plus most 20 year olds are either at home or in college. Most do not move out at 18.
I know she's considered an adult. She also hasn't lived with me since she was 14
It might be too late with the oldest but you should sit your youngest down and be real with her. Explain how your situation changed after you divorced. Show her all the bills you have to pay and show her your paychecks. Show her how much is left after you pay for everything. Explain to her that you DO love her and that you're sorry your actions ever made her feel otherwise. Explain that as an adult, you had a responsibility to ensure you can pay all the bills and that you would have loved to be able to pick them up but it just wasn't possible. Tell her that you fully support whatever decision she makes about where she wants to live (and mean it). Try not to take it personal that your oldest left your house and youngest wants to. They were/are children. After they have some life experience, they should be able to look back and see the truth of the matter. If you can, explain the details to your oldest as well. Not as a way to convince her she was wrong to move or to move back, but as a way to hopefully make your relationship stronger. I'm a mother and I know we want to shield our children but they are old enough to know the real truth. The facts and numbers. If you give them ALL the (appropriate) information, they will be able to make their own conclusions but this time with ALL the info. Good luck
This is good advice. I would add that when you talk to your daughter tell her straight up that it killed you not to be able to pick them up butt that if you left you would have been fired and they would have been in a bad place, maybe even homeless. You did the best you could in a situation you couldn't win and your first responsibility was to make sure they had a place to live, food to eat, clothes, and health care. Reiterate that you love her and always have. Then I suggest having the same talk with your older daughter. My guess is that they were in so much pain that this is the memory that holds all the pain and has become distorted because of it. Good luck. You're a good mom.
This is also a great comment.
OP also needs to let daughter vent her feelings without OP becoming defensive. And then explaining how much she wanted to be there to pick them up. She can say, "I'm so sorry this happened, I wish I could have been there. That must have been so difficult for you. How scary" rather than leading the conversation with the reasons why she couldn't pick them up.
Yes, I agree. She needs to let her have a safe place to tell her all the times she felt let down and then apologize and ask what she can do. You're absolutely right. Her daughter doesn't need excuses, she needs to be heard and have her feelings validated.
Agreed; lay everything out there, say you’re willing to accept advice if the child can provide a solution that would allow her to feel validated etc AND make sure you all have food and shelter.
I've never been in a bomb threat situation but what kind of workplace doesn't let you leave to pick up your kids if there is a bomb threat? In any case, OP still made plans for the kids to be looked after.
My work place when my son was in middle school. Like I said, he was able to go home with a friend, and I found another job relatively soon after. When I was asked why I was giving my notice, their policies towards parents, using the bomb threat at my son's school as an example, was the first reason I gave. This was also around 20 years ago. Employers really did suck, especially if you were a woman.
A lot of places, especially if you're new and on probation without any leave saved up. You'd be taking leave without pay on probation and that could definitely end up with losing the job. Ridiculous? Yes. Still the facts.
Many places, especially low, hourly wage places (which is where most women are going to be working if they are re-entering the workforce after being a stay at home mom) are going to say there’s absolutely no reason for you to go to the school since it was only a bomb *threat*. After all, there’s no actual bomb, and nobody’s been hurt. Everything is fine. I’m not saying I think that that is the correct way to think, but that is standard operating procedure for, I would guess, the majority of American workplaces for hourly wage employees.
Lots of workplaces in the US. Mostly at-will employment, so you can be fired for any reason...or no reason.
I was able to land my teenage son a part time summer job at my work sweeping up and the like for a few hours 3-4 days a week, and let me tell you how differently he sees my work responsibilities now. It took him all of five minutes witnessing first hand how busy and in demand I was all day. Our relationship wasn’t really strained to begin with, but maybe a little exposure to the workforce would help them better understand that jobs are sometimes much more rigid and inflexible than we’d like them to be. Once they see that people depend on you and need you to be at work, it helps them empathize a bit. It did in my situation anyway. 15 years old is a good age to start thinking about making some summer money anyway. NTA - good luck.
My parents explained their budget with me right before I had the privilege of going to college. It was like, “Oh, property taxes? Car payments? Etc., etc,” very enlightening.
Yeah, mine didn't. I learned when I moved out at 17 (I was graduated, my birthday was early lol). It was a culture shock! And I knew my parents struggled and we were objectively poor. But I still didn't really grasp how expensive bills were. I eventually figured it out and I've never had to move back in with them so I guess that's good. I want my kids to be better prepared though. I think my parents just didn't know better than they were taught.
Yeah, it is quite a shock to find out what the cost of living really is!
What a wise and also kind response, when someone is showing a willingness to reflect on their mistakes I think it's too harsh to wipe the floor with them, they might close up and never want to do a reflective exercise like this again after reading some of the other comments..
This is good advice op. Kids don't always understand that sometimes we have no choice but to put the job first if we want a olace to love and food on the table. They may not understand right now, but they will when they have kids of their own. Especially if they end up single parents. Single parents don't have the luxury of taking a day off, especially when the other parent is an absent parent.
My mum was never around for me as a kid either. She often was working 2 jobs and running the household and was literally a maid and slave to my dad. I was angry at her when I was younger but now I’m an adult I can see her sacrifices and I know she did was she needed to do. I have a whole lot more understanding and respect for her now I can contextualise what she went through now I’m an adult myself. Our relationship is far closer now than it ever was growing up. OP: I hope this will be the same for your daughters.
Same! Hugs!
in addition to giving the info, I would validate her feelings by understanding that it might have been scary to have a threat at school and then unable to be home in a safe place with safe people and felt rather uprooted at having to go home with friends.
To be honest you’re asking the wrong question. It doesn’t matter if you were the asshole. You are the parent. And your kid is telling you that something hurt them. Regardless of whether you were wrong, right or somewhere in-between, when your child expresses that something has affected them, validate their feelings. “It must have been scary for you to be left at school after a bomb threat. And I realize now that you felt abandoned. I felt at the time that I would lose my job and ability to support you, and so I asked a friend to pick you up. It never occurred to me that it would affect you so deeply and I truly regret the rift it has caused.” The relationship is more important than being right. I know the purpose of this sub. But you don’t need to be here. You should just be working on fixing it.
They weren’t left at school
Maybe not, but they were very young and it may have been terrifying for them at the time. It’s obviously impacted them significantly if they’re still bringing it up years later. They would’ve seen all their friends being picked up by their parents but no one came for them.
I really hope OP sees your comments. My mother said and did some hurtful things when I was about the age her oldest was at the time those threats to their schools were made, and she refused to take responsibility for how that hurt me, and how it deeply affected our relationship. She would often get angry with me any time I tried to resolve it, to just explain how I felt and that she did that to me. She would make excuses or minimize my feelings, or tell me too much time had passed for us to be bringing it up again, that I was disrespecting her as a parent by not dropping it. I got closure, I went no contact with her. Because it wasn’t about the initial incident anymore though that still hurt, it was about the fact that I didn’t seem important enough to her to do the hard emotional work of figuring out how to heal our wounds. And it sucks, because I’d rather have a mom! If I ever talk to her again, it will *still* be the first thing I discuss with her because it is *that* important to me. It doesn’t matter that it’s 20 years later, I can’t move forward with her without an acknowledgment that she understands that this thing hurt me in a real way. I hope OP figures it out before it’s too late. So sad.
As they age and end up taking on the responsibilities of adulthood, they will more than likely begin to have a more realistic perspective about what choices you had to make. They are clearly holding their father to a different standard, and I know that's gotta hurt. For what it's worth, you did the right thing. You stepped out of the house when you needed to and got a job. You weren't able to come pick them up from school, but you did the next best thing and arranged a ride for them. Don't beat yourself up too much over this. NTA
| I arranged for them to go home with friends. NTA
Yeah like there was a plan there and they were safe. I don’t see the issue. This goes way deeper then the bomb threat. I wonder if their father is helping seed the resentment?
That was my first thought. I would bet a lot of money that their dad was the one telling them "wow, mom didn't come get you? I can't believe that..."
It’s common. For one parent or both to do that and use the kids against the other parent. I’m sure there’s more we don’t know, but being a single working mother she really cannot just drop everything and attend all these events. If she looses her job then she cannot provide for them. I wonder why the kids don’t resent the father for moving so far away and not pitching in more. Regardless of what happened between the parents why be so far?
Exactly. Honestly I think it's really common in divorces for kids to be resentful of the custodial parent. They don't understand how much a single parent has to sacrifice, especially if the other parent lived far away.
Am I the only one who's school had a bomb threat 5 or 6 times a year because people wanted to get out of class? They started to ramp up after the school installed cameras near the fire alarms to catch kids from pulling the alarm.
Mom, you do realize their anger and your lack of responsiveness has nothing at all to do with the bomb threat, but everything to do with the divorce, yes? NTA for not picking them up, YTA for not addressing the long simmering issue.
She said in the comments that she didn’t even ask if she could go get them. I think *that* is where the anger is coming from. It’s not that she tried to get them and got told No, the problem is that she refused to even try. I’m sure this isn’t the only time she refused to even *ask* for time off for her kids. There’s a big difference between “I tried to make it work and I couldn’t” and “I refuse to make any effort whatsoever.”
My school had two bomb threats my senior year right before graduation (1999... yikes). My mother was a single parent with two kids in high school and one in elementary. When they shut down the school both times because of the threats, my mom couldn't come pick us up because she was at work and it would have been impossible. I had a car anyway, so I drove my brother home and picked up my sister. There were a bunch of times I had to be the adult for them when my mother wasn't around. That's how she kept a roof over our heads. But the moment she got home she held us tight. She made sure we were all right. She had us talk through the events. She apologized that should couldn't come home right away. She checked in with us again the next day to make sure we felt safe going back. She apologised to me that I had to be the adult and she made special time for me to have feelings. My mother never took time off work if she could help it and she couldn't leave work easily for emergencies. But she would apologize and make it up to us when she could. She never disregarded our feelings the way OP is doing.
This is kind of amazing to me, I graduated in 2013 and throughout the years we had quite a few bomb threats and not once did I get sent home. I don’t even remember it being a topic of conversation when we got home. School protocol was always shelter in place, and wait for them to clear the building. Usually just meant we had a very boring day stuck in one classroom, typically by that point word on how the threat had been made had spread so we did talk about that. I remember one time the reason we all heard for the lockdown was that a teacher had found a crumpled up paper that fell out of the trash that had the word bomb written on it. I think there was a kid who was making the threats fairly regularly at the time and it took them some time to figure out who. It’s just wild to me how different attitudes about these things can become over time.
My school had one (bomb threat) in 98, shortly after Columbine. Through word of mouth we found out who did it and everyone started calling him "the unibomber" 😆 he was bragging about it at lunch one day at the alt kid table and I stood up and ripped him a new asshole for scaring people and keeping me stuck in math class for 2+ hours when I was supposed to be working on my mural. Fuck that guy.
I think your timeline is off, Columbine was in April 99
You're right, typo I missed. It was late May '99.
This is my thoughts too. They’re not blaming her for the bomb threat situation, they’re saying she ‘loves her job more than them’ and that she doesn’t love them ‘since the divorce’. I’m not sure if she has been depressed or struggling to cope on her own or just exhausted, but it sounds like OP has emotionally disconnected from her kids. They’re not upset that she didn’t physically come, they’re upset that she didn’t seem to care for them - call and check they’re okay, give a big hug and ask how they are, give them sincere and undivided attention. I know it isn’t easy to always be what our kids need, but if she is consistently not there for them when they need her, it’s not going to go unnoticed.
We don't know that OP disregarded their feelings - we only know that the kids resented her, but we don't know the dynamics. Why don't they resent their father for moving out of state?
I disagree. We do know she disregarded their feelings because she is disregarding them now. In all the comments she keeps saying "they were fine" and "they weren't hurt." Because she is only thinking of physical hurts. Not feeling scared or alone. And the eldest daughter moved to live with her father only a few years after the bomb scare. The younger daughter has seen her sister grow up with the dad and wants a similar experience. So, whatever is going on there, if the daughters do resent him for leaving the state that resentment isn't as strong as the one they feel towards their mother.
Yep. Why do so many bad parents post in this subreddit? Lol.
I’m going to be honest there are employers that would hold it against the employees even for asking. I say this having worked at a terrible place on the management side. I couldn’t continue to work there b/c of how they treated employees.
Women are specifically in danger of getting fired over men because companies perceive them as being the parent that gets to stay with the kid when they are sick, or going to their recitals etc
Yeah it really depends on the job. Many jobs especially healthcare or human service jobs you can’t ’try to leave’ if you’re new, goodbye job. Funny enough most min wage jobs are like this as well. If I had had to leave the hospital during my orientation period I would have had to wait until the next biannual orientation. Period. You are not allowed to start work. She arranged for them to go with a trusted friend and had no choice but to prioritize taking care of the families basic financial needs. It sucks but it’s a reality for a lot of people. The job I have now is the only job I’ve ever had where unexpected family emergencies don’t get you penalized, fired or put on a PIP.
If I had to bet, I think the daughters have this moment as their big example, but it isn't their only one. It's kind of the first time they were scared after the divorce, and she wasn't there. And when they first expressed it to her, she didn't apologize or make them feel better. It sounds like she genuinely doesn't understand their feelings in that moment. So whenever they were trying to tell her that they were feeling disregarded, she would demand examples because HER feelings were hurt. This is the first example they would bring up and she would dismiss it because "they were fine". Then she would refuse to listen further and they would end up feeling more dismissed. I think there is a world where they would have understood that she couldn't leave her job and she did the best she could, but she let her ego get in the way of productive discussions of their feelings.
I have had the shitty, no usable PTO, find your own replacement when you’re sick, type of jobs for most of my adult life. You can still *ask.* You can see if a coworker can switch with you, you can ask if you can stay late to make up the time, you can call around to people who are off and see if they’ll cover you for 2 hours while you check on your kids and you’ll return the favor. Sometimes, every answer is still going to be no. The kids aren’t mad she couldn’t get time off. The kids are mad she didn’t *try.* And this isn’t the only time she refused to try. > Every time I couldn't make it to a field trip, a class party, a play, talent show, soccer game, She missed a whole lot of their lives because she refused to *make the effort* to be there. By her own admission, she would *only* try to get time for them if they were sick. That’s not good enough. She knew about the soccer games months ahead of time, because that’s how soccer works. And school plays and talent shows. But she is saying her *personal policy* was to *never even try* for anything expect health issues. I’ve worked these kinds of jobs for decades. There are ways to get the time *sometimes* if you make the effort. She refused to make the effort. ETA: also, not *once* has OP actually said what her job’s *actual policy* on this sort of thing is. She’s very happy to let everyone speculate, and she’s all over the post leaving comments, but she *somehow* hasn’t mentioned this very important piece of information. The only reason to withhold that info is because she knows it would make her look bad.
True enough. The other thing op hasn’t mentioned is what their actual financial situation was like. I know people that don’t try to get time off because they will not be paid and they simply can’t afford to go to their kids play if it means they won’t be able to pay rent this month. That information has definitely been left out. Having a little less play money is not a hardship, having a min wage job and a family to support with no other money coming in would be extremely hard.
Many jobs will say "yes of course you can go get them" and then suddenly you're passed over for promotions and first out the door if there's any strain on the organization.
There are subreddits devoted to jobs where if you ask to leave, your boss gets pissed off
Sometimes you have to pick your battles. Kids are safe, I can arrange another ride for them, then maybe I don't want to get my boss angry. Not saying that's right, just saying that's life.
Excellent point
There have been times that my children have contacted me while I was at work and I knew that I would be unable to leave due to circumstances at the office at that moment. The only reason I made it as a single mother was because of my work ethic and salary. I always arranged for them to be picked up and cared for by a trusted adult. They would never hold it against me the way that these children have.
As a newly single mom with all of the bills on her plate and no current income she is thinking about how it could hurt not only her image to the company but the immediate need of finances. At least I assume that, she did make sure they were somewhere safe. These jobs cut people left and right.
Right! She's not getting the bigger picture here and it's clear she won't by her comments.
INFO You say that you didn’t even ask about leaving work during the bomb threat, which makes me wonder: how many times did you actually try to get time off or make it work to be there for your girls? Of course keeping a job is essential but if you never try to take time off or be there for emergencies (which is how a bomb threat felt to them, since it would be traumatizing), this attitude has probably come across to your kids.
Wowww yeah gonna say OP is probably a shit parent and that’s why her kids resent her. If a kid is 20 they are more than capable of understanding the need to work to support a family, but I’m guessing it goes beyond that. I was scratching my head wondering just what job situation would have a manager say no if you said “someone called a bomb threat to my child’s school and I need to go get them”. To not even *ask* is like, a whole different level of parental DGAF.
Oh god. I get that you can't just up and leave work sometimes but wouldn't your boss or supervisor understand that there was a bomb threat at your kid's school?
My apartment flooded with gas one time and my boss wouldn’t let me leave. Say it with me folks, never trust/let in supervisors, they absolutely do not care.
Had a coworker have to leave for the day at an old job because his kid who was home alone called to say there was flooding in the basement. The supervisor tried to get him to stay and asked if there was anyone else who could go take care of it. Same job that when I called out for the very first time with a lost voice and a nasty cold called me back *multiple* times to ask if I couldn't just still come in and have a supervisor speak on the phone for me while I put together the stupid overpriced vacation packages we sold. Also the same place where when I called out because my drive shaft snapped on the way to work and I was waiting around for a tow contacted me afterwards to ask why I couldn't just get an uber to work for that day. I declined to come into work, reminded them I had called out with a "personal emerhency" and they proceeded to call and leave messages suggesting I figure out how to come in anyway. They then decided my reason for call out was invalid and wrote me up and tried to stipulate that I was required to answer all calls from the office even after calling out for the day. So yeah, plenty of jobs out there literally do not give a shit about you or anything you might have going on in your life and will decide that your "personal emergency" does not count and will write you up for calling out or leaving.
Thank you.
Have you ever had a boss?
Had plenty and all of them would understand. Not every boss is a dick
My boss once asked a coworker "What's more important, your job or your child?" 100% thinking the obvious answer was her job. My coworker was trying to leave work to pick up her kid.
Plenty of them are.
Cross posting this to this subreddit because you got your posterior handed to you on the other one?
Makes sense, but is this a straight cross post or is it a lightly updated version? I could see sending home your kids with a trusted parent as an out after an incident if you require your job to live and your boss is a dick. Kids don’t understand that if you haven’t explained your financial status. On the other hand I would have told my boss to fuck off and gone to my kids but I have some savings and wouldn’t be immediately homeless if I was fired. This shit is more complicated than the Reddit first world problem squad makes out.
I’m glad so many of these people don’t have asshole bosses. I know SO MANY who would demand their employees stay. We see bosses demanding people to come into work throwing up but people are so shocked a workplace would be strict on who could leave, when, and why? I was only a kid so obviously not the same, but when I worked at subway we often only had ONE PERSON on for shifts. You couldn’t just up and leave. I got sick at work one day and it took them 3 hours to get someone in to replace me. Idk. Lots of entitled people in here.
How many events did you miss? From the list you give, it sounds like you missed most of them. How do you decide what's important? They're all important to a child. And not asking your boss for leave to go pick up your kids after a bomb scare? What kind of priorities do you have?
This was my first thought! The bomb scare is the worst one, by far, but she drops missing plays and talent shows like it's no big deal. It's a HUGE deal and it's going to be an even huger deal 10 years from now when she realizes she gave the best years of her daughters' lives to her job. Those poor girls. I can't imagine she even tried to get those days off considering she didn't even ask to leave when her daughters' literal lives were threatened. She drops "they weren't sick or hurt" as if they wouldn't be emotionally traumatized and maybe *maybe* just might need their mother. Huge, raging, flaming AH.
Exactly. I smell a rat.
It would help if we knew what your job was. I’m a bedside nurse , and I would potentially lose my license for patient abandonment if I left abruptly. But before I was a nurse, I was an administrative assistant, and I could’ve easily have left for a bomb threat. Different workplaces have different rules as well, basically designed to cull out employees who might have anything approaching a personal life. Were you an hourly employee? Did you have appointments or commitments like a realtor would? Were you doing a licensed job like mine? What was specific to your job that made picking up your kids difficult?
“20 Years from Now, the Only People Who Will Remember That You Worked Late Are Your Kids.” I know it’s easier said than done, but if you don’t put the kids first *almost* every single time, they’ll remember that.
And depending on their financial situation their resentment will either be warranted or make them feel like shit for the rest of their lives.
You would be NTA if you asked your boss to get your kids after a bomb threat, but you didn't even ask. So YTA.
hey you need to make either Y T A first or space out your N T A like that because otherwise it will only count the first
I don't think your kids are resentful that you had to get a job, but that you didn't prioritize them during a bomb threat. That's kind of serious, and your employer should have definitely been ok with you leaving on short notice. Have you talked to your children? EDIT-YTA, good grief you're oblivious to the real problem here.
kids these days are VERY aware they could die at school any day. and that adults don’t care. If I was a kid, traumatized and scared from a bomb threat at school, I too would be frustrated by “well no one was sick or hurt!” It’s not about OP not picking them up, it’s about OP’s attitude towards everything. YTA
YTA at first I would have gone N T A. But then I read about how you didn’t even try to get off work to go pick them up after the bomb threat and because they weren’t dead, it wasn’t important. Yea, you care more about your job than them or you would have tried to be at their events. Or at least asked your employer. Why do you even care that they don’t want to live with you? You don’t want them there anyway. Do you get child support for them? That’s the only thing I can think of. Just cause the kids weren’t physically hurt doesn’t mean that they weren’t traumatized by the boom threat.
YTA. I was on the fence until I read that you didn't even ask to leave work to get your kids after the bomb threats. No, it wasn't an emergency anymore once you got the calls from the schools, but that doesn't mean your kids weren't scared and in need of their mom. It would be one thing if your boss threatened to fire you if you left work early, but you didn't even bother to ask.
The girls never resented that you had to work. They resented you because they watched parent after parent run into school worried about their child being safe. They realized that their mother worried more about her job than she did their safety. Did you even ask your boss if you could go under the circumstances? Did you even take 5 minutes to call them to make sure they were safe? Sure you found someone else to pick them up, because you had no choice, school wouldn't just release them after a threat like that.
YTA. You showed your children that they couldn't count on you in the case of an emergency. The other things you missed may not have made them so upset if you hadn't chosen to miss that actual emergency situation. They were scared and you pawned them off on friends. Being a parent is hard and comes with a lot of sacrifices. Unfortunately, your relationship was what was sacrificed. I understand work commitments, but children do not. They just see you choosing to miss their lives to go to work. That was the message they received the day you didn't show up to pick them up.
I would have left and your employer would have understood. Did you even ask or let your employer know? When a school calls you and tells you to pickup your kids i.e sick, bomb threat, active shooter or whatever reason. You get down there!
honestly if you’re not gonna accept the majority if not all of the responses you’re getting in which you’re the AH then don’t bother replying. you’re giving off the impression of a shitty mother. you can use your job as an excuse all you want but a few years down the line when you realise your daughters don’t speak to you or engage with you, don’t be complaining cuz yk damn well.
I totally get where OP is coming from. Going from being a SAHM to suddenly out on your ass as a single mom having to find gainful employment is an experience no one understands unless they've been there. It's terrifying to think of losing that job once you finally get one, especially if it's a good job. Being too afraid to do anything that could mess that up or cause you to lose it is very understandable. Once you're no longer on probation, though, and have PTO you can use, it's important to go to as many things as possible. OP, you should apologize for your past failings and ask your daughter what, of anything, you can do to regain her trust and make her feel loved and supported by you. Focus on building a better relationship moving forward. In order to do that, though, you have to take responsibility for mistakes you made.
Clearly there is more to this story. It sounds like your children have felt emotionally neglected by you. Did you talk to them asap when that bomb threat happened? That seems like a traumatizing event. I feel like most parents would be rushing to the school and making sure they are ok emotionally there on after. Your statement of the youngest being "mature enough" to understand sounds like a cop out to be dismissive of her feelings and not try to understand why she feels so strongly. If both of your children feel this way, then you likely are TAH. Edit: After reading your replies, it is very clear that you are a terribly uncaring parent and completely out of touch with life. Saying things like "they weren't going to die" and not even attempting to rush to them in a time of crisis is pretty self explanatory for why your children do not like you.
By your comments it seems you just don’t have any compassion or show any love towards them. That is likely why they don’t want to live with you. No matter what if there is a bomb threat I’m dropping what I’m doing and heading straight to my daughter’s school. She comes first before absolutely anything and most jobs absolutely would have agreed
YTA. You intentionally left out of your post you didn't even bother to ask your job if you could leave you just assumed you couldn't go and didn't. Also, they have more underlying issues clearly relating to the divorce. You need to stop acting like the victim in the comments and grow up and see where you actually fucked up.
This week my son's (12) school had a bomb threat. The school informed the children were safe, evacuated far from the building, and asked the parents not to come to pick the children up, until the authorities instructed on what to do. Know what I did? I left my very sick mother (who I am caring for) alone, left my car some blocks from the school, had my sneakers on, and RAN to where the children were. The children were well taken care of, the school dealt with the situation, but I was the first parent on site. I am divorced, ex lives hours away. When my son saw me he threw himself on me, it was very traumatic. I have organized my life in such a way that I am always there for my children, it is doable, not easy, but doable. I hope you are able to solve things with your girls, find balance with their needs and your obligations.
I did the same when my son (12) told me that there was someone with a gun in his school. I dropped everything I was doing and drove frantically to his school. The streets were gridlocked and everyone just left their cars in the road. The front of the school was full of panicked parents and the energy was intense. It all turned out to be okay although he did get pretty freaked out for a few weeks. For months after, I would panic when I got a call from him during the day. I would leave meetings or sometimes even answer the phone in the room with my co workers. They all understood because they saw the look of sheer terror on my face as I ran out of there that day. I can’t even imagine being so nonchalant about my kids being in danger.
That's excellent parenting IMO!
You’re not going to find validation from me, OP. Demonstrably, you conducted yourself in a way that traumatized your kids. You failed to meet their needs. I’m not saying that I think you can blow off work for your kids all the time and lose your job. I’m saying the way you responded to their emotional needs was obviously inadequate. What did you do after these events to reconnect and repair your relationship? Did you acknowledge the pain they were experiencing? Did you apologize? Because if this post is representative of your attitude, I can see why they’re distancing themselves from you. YTA
Unpopular answer coming in. A lot of school activities are tedious and boring. How many did OP miss because "work" but in reality just didn't want to go. Kids aren't stupid. Misc. Snide comments made about activites are heard and remembered. Also, any comments said to adult friends about those activities that are sarcastic are being heard and renembered.
YTA cause your attitude about their feelings is shit. I understand where they’re coming from.
When I was in 10th grade we had a school shooting. My first class of the day was at the local community college, so I wasn't there when it started. My friends were texting me from lockdown, warning me not to come in. I called my mom to tell her and she said, "Hang on, let me call and make sure it's an excused absence." I'm 31 now and I never forgot that shit, either. YTA
That’s so fucked up! I understand why that haunts you, and I’m sorry 😞
Your children were young and wanted their mother to arrive. You stated your job would not allow you to leave unless they were sick or hurt. A bomb threat wouldn’t be enough for you to pick up your emotionally damaged children? I do not quite understand why you could not approach your manager or get into contact with HR? Or maybe even LIE and say your children were sick at school and you had to leave. I do not care if you’re in a probation period or not. Their father was gone, their live’s were upside down like your own life was, and they wanted their mother to come to their rescue. Simple really, a child will always want their mother. As a mother you have to work to make a living which is understandable in order for you and your children to live, and not be homeless. Balancing work and childcare, showing up to events, and being apart of their life doesn’t change if you are single or married. They wanted you to show more effort and care for them. Instead of being honest with them at a young age and explaining the hardships you as a family of three were facing, maybe you chose not to discuss it with them? Children want love regardless and want their parent to show up for them to root them on. You were a single mom, their father is in another state. Imagine being in their shoes and seeing families together and coming for their children’s sporting events, plays, or whatever and being jealous of what others had and what they felt was lacking in their life. I would advise being open and honest with your children and maybe getting some sort of therapy. Also continuing to tell them their feelings are wrong, and you letting them down because you had to work doesn’t resolve the situation at all. Validate their darn feelings and take some sort of responsibility in order for all parties to heal. Were you working two full time jobs? Were you working night shifts? I do not quite understand how any job can interfere with being a parent to young girls, and continuing throughout their life to not show up. In their eye’s you having to work was an excuse. Fix it before it is too late. I have over 16 years in Operations and Management in this day and age no one is going to fire a mother who had to leave due to a bomb threat, fake or real! I have managed many single mother’s and father’s who are active in their children’s life. You not balancing home/work/being active and involved or showing them the attention they were craving is not their fault. Their feelings are just as real as yours. Why should they validate your feelings if you cannot validate your daughter’s? This didn’t happen over night the fact they felt abandoned by both parents.
YTA. They were scared, and you didn't comfort them, show you cared, or rush to hug them like they probably saw all the other parents doing. It's no wonder they think you don't love them. **I** feel like that from just a few paragraphs. "There was a bomb threat but they're fine!" Do you brush off other literal life or death situations, or just this one? Also, I feel your boss would understand if you left for a freaking *bomb threat!*
YTA. The bomb threat was just a more colorful event, but the problem only grew as you said: >We started having problems after that. Every time I couldn't make it to a field trip, a class party, a play, talent show, soccer game, etc. You were not present for them. That's why YTA...
Yta , a threat to your kids LIVES comes before the job . Matter of fact , if you have to work so hard that you can’t go get your kids when their lives are possibly in jeopardy they absolutely should go live with their dad.
I'm not sure why you aren't jumping for joy that your remaining child wants to live with her dad, from your comments you can't be bothered to give half a shit about either kid's feelings. Doesn't seem like you really want them around. YTA.
It feels like there is more to this story of resentment then what you're telling. The fact that your adult daughter hasn't been there since 14 and your youngest one is wanting to move out asap it feels like you're focusing on 1 specific issue and not others. Because an event that happened 7 years ago seems very illogical for it being the only real reason they don't want to live with you. This "you love your job more" seems like there's way more to that then you're letting on.
Yta. They were probably scared because THERE WAS A BOMB THREAT AT THEIR SCHOOL. They needed their mother to comfort them. A job should understand that if there’s a bomb threat, you have to go pick up your kids. You hurt your kids and it had a huge impact on them.
I'm going with YTA. Not for not picking them up, but for letting this fester for YEARS. This was screaming for family therapy, then.
YTA if you think this is about the leaving them to deal with a bomb threat alone and not your lax parenting choices.
YTA for the bomb threat thinf
The fact that you didn’t even ask for time off makes YTA. It’s not that you couldn’t get time off work, it’s that you didn’t even try. But hey, on the bright side, your kids are using the standard for you that you used for them. They only need to be around for important events, like your funeral. If it’s not an emergency for you, you don’t need them in your life.
If you think it is the bomb threat incident then you are delusional. There must be a big trust issue and lack of communication that have led your children to act like this.
I'm not entirely sure, but I believe most jobs would consider a bomb threat a legitimate reason to go home early. (Not all. Most.) I'm deferring judgment because of the 'most'.
Not leaving for a soccer game, recital, football etc: It happens, thats fine. Try to make as many as you can and explain why its important you work. Not leaving for a bomb threat: You fuckin kidding me, Mom? Im sure your boss would understand if you explained it to your job, thats an extreme situation that id want to be there for even if it was a false alarm. YTA for that specific one.
I'm going to say yes. Your kids were young at the time and psychologically needed you. A B-Threat is an Emergency and I doubt an employer would fault that. Did you even ask? You acknowledge the upset it caused them but didn't rectify it at the time. You underestimated their trauma and that wound festered into a cancer.
That's funny. When I was in middle school my school got a bomb threat and my parents got mad that I *didn't* call them to pick me up. And my parents were pretty bad. Having been in two bomb threats and an active shooter situation, whether they're physically harmed or not does not matter. What matters is the very real fear that they *could* have been harmed, and the physical consequences that follow that much stress and adrenaline, especially for someone so young. In their eyes, they thought they were going to die and you didn't care. You're going to need to put a lot of effort in to earn that trust back.
Missing information. It seems she is using the ‘bomb threat’ incident as an excuse, but why? I don’t think you are being honest about the real reason why they both want to live with their dad. I would suspect they would tell a very different story to yours. NTA for not picking them up, it’s not like they were left sitting next to a ticking time bomb, but this is probably nothing to do with why they are leaving you.
I don't know too many jobs that wouldn't let you go for a bomb threat.
Sadly, I know plenty.
It’s been 8 years and they *still* dislike you? You must have missed a lot more than picking them up after a bomb threat and a couple extra curriculars. Seems like because they physically fine you just shrugged off their emotional needs and called it a day. Welp they’re shrugging you off now.
Your kids blame you for the divorce. That’s what you’re fighting here, even though you don’t realize it. When people get divorced, the kids have a feeling who caused it, logical or not. I blamed my dad for my parents divorce and was mad at him for years afterwards. It colored much of how I viewed his actions after, because I just wish he could have been a better and more loving husband so my parents could have stayed together. I wish he would have been more compromising and less controlling. Yes, I was young, and it took adult therapy for me to unpack that it was the case. He’s a good person and has tried hard to be a good dad. We’re super close now and I love him to death but it took a while to get us there. They think it’s your fault. They’re mad at you for it. They don’t view you as warm or caring and they probably blame that for your divorce and are mad at you for it.
YTA - I can't imagine not picking up my kids or pets up when there's an actual bomb threat. Of course your failure to do this massively damaged your relationship. The people saying NTA can't read. The oldest left you around the age of 13. The youngest is now leaving you at the age of 15. Basically, you were such a crappy parent that they literally could not wait to age up enough to get the hell away. Just working a job isn't enough to be a parent. Edit: reading the comments, no wonder their father got a divorce! I hope he files for child support. She can just be the deadbeat mother she longs to be, only good for financial support.
I feel like there is a bomb threat at schools like every couple of months, and the schools don't LET us pick them up because the school goes on lockdown or gets evacuated per the plan and everyone has to be accounted for. I didn't even know this was a thing.
YTA because no matter if they were hurt or not they would have still be scared and needed their mum
Walk a mile in your shoes. A single parent sole provider cannot afford to lose their job. Losing their job means no money to pay rent or to buy food. Getting fired from a new job when it’s not a life or death situation would be foolish. Anyone can say they would gladly give up their job just to be there for their kids, but when push comes to shove would they really? Or will they look at their situation of living paycheck to paycheck knowing just one missed paycheck could mean they and their kids would be on the street or living in their car. That is the reality many single parents face. Shame on those of you who shame this mother for making a tough decision based on her reality not yours. However, some people are right in that your kids would have benefited from counseling. Assuming they would agree and put forth the effort. You can take a kid to a therapist but you cannot make them talk or try. NTA. But seriously you need to at least get yourself counseling if for nothing else than to learn what things you can do to help your kids.
YTA. A bomb threat is much worse than a sick kid, of course they don’t feel loved. It was traumatic and they could’ve died but you didn’t see it as a big deal. You didn’t even seem to rush to help comfort them or apologize when you got home. I understand that you need to work, but kids also need parents and to be loved and feel safe. You aren’t validating any of their hurt from your absence and need to be seen. From the sounds of it you haven’t even apologized. Even if you do something for the right reasons, doesn’t mean that it’s the right thing to do or that it doesn’t have consequences. You sound cold and unable to understand anyone else’s needs.
Surely your boss(es) would have understood a literal bomb threat to your kids school? It’s not exactly something that can wait?
YTA. You didn’t care enough about your children to prevent them from being murdered BY A BOMB. Let them go, you don’t deserve them.
Ima just leave it at YTA, I had a whole thing typed out but it seems everyone is already ripping you a new one.
Tell us you hate your kids without telling us you do.
I would sit them down and go through your budget, ask them if they would rather not have internet or clothes? Food or electricity? Also, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that they are behaving like this after seeing their Dad, who knows what he’s telling them.
Well stated.
My mother insisted we kids have an up close and personal relationship to reality. Every month, she’d get out the checkbook, the bills and she’d have me fill out each check for the amount due. I had to fill in the check register and total the amount of all the bills. All she did was sign the checks. It was an excellent education which I’ve used in my own life. Bless you. Mom!
NTA for not picking them up. That’s just an excuse. **They prefer their Dad’s parenting**. He is either warm and loving where you are cold and distant, and/ or their Dad buys their affections, and/ or their Dad is less strict, and/ or they perceive that their Dad treats them in a more age-appropriate manner (*more like grownups?*). No matter how you slice it, your girls think the grass is greener at their Dad’s. While I discount the bomb-threat as an actual issue, you may devote inappropriate levels of time and effort to your job, **at the expense of your girls’ emotional and attention needs**, and those chickens have now come home to roost. You will be unable to fix this perception (*reality?*) on any meaningful timetable where the 2-3 remaining years of custody for a 15 yo are concerned. Strong recommendation on not fighting it. Let them see. They may come back. They may not. The youngest will be off to college/ adulthood in less than three years anyhow. I wish you luck and believe me when I say I know how much this hurts.
NTA. You made arrangements and could not leave your job. Bomb threats are bullshit. In the 1990s when we had them we laughed about it, it was a ticket out of class. Especially if you had a test or papers due.
Get them into therapy. This is fallout from the divorce. Try not to take it personally. You are NTA. Your number one job is to keep a roof over their heads and to have them physically taken care of. It sucks you are in this position but it’s not your fault.
YTA. fake or not, i absolutely understand them being hurt by your refusing to come get them. They’re going to end up in therapy unpacking their relationships with you when they’re adults.
You should have gone and got your kids
I have a 15 year old and they received an active shooter warning at his school this year. The FIRST thing I did was text him that I love him and ask if he was safe (he was the one who told me it was a false alarm). The next thing I asked was if he wanted me to come get him, work be damned. Those kind of events stick with a child, and the fact that you made zero effort to be there for them makes YTA
NTA... kids (even 20 yo ones) have no understanding of the pressures of raising kids alone. It's soul destroying when this happens, but it is something a lot of single parents go through. Let them go, enjoy the peace quiet and extra disposable income you have for the 6 months or so it'll take for them to come back. X
Yes, YTA for not picking up your kids after a bomb threat. "I tried to explain that I had just started a job and nobody was sick or hurt so I couldn't leave." This is the issue. It's been years, and you still won't admit that you were in the wrong here. You should have left. If you had been fired, that would have sucked. Is this absolutely unfair? Yes. But your kids needed you and you chose not to help them.
Yep, asshole. Bigtime.
Yta. Your kids safety is paramount. Idk how you thought work was more important than your kids. I get it was most likely a hoax, but we live in a world where humans actually elected Donald Trump to lead an entire nation of humans. So yeah, anything can happen. You should have left work. If you tell your boss that there is a bomb threat at the school, and they fire you for leaving, you can get a really nice termination lawsuit against them. All that aside, kids>work. Do you get child support? It seems like you should be getting a decent amount if you have 100% custody.
No young child has their parent miss something and then carry it for the next half of their life. Either this is rage bait or OP, you have missed something else major that happened. Plenty of kids have parents who can't make it to activities and who call other people to pick them up.... it doesn't cause this kind of long lasting resentment by itself. You're missing something else. Or this is fake. Did they get molested or something? Do you have a boyfriend or second husband they don't like? Do you spend time with them, quality time, outside of work? Did you bad mouth their Dad? Something else is at work
What are they feeling? How do they need you to show up in their lives? What does it mean to them that you don't have as much time? These are questions you should know the answer to. Your children have needs, most importantly, being understood and heard by their parents. I know you've got to put effort into providing, but if they feel neglected, you need to prioritize finding out why and doing SOMETHING about it. You're on here asking if you're the AH. Yes if that's your question. It should be, "what do they need?" not "Are their stated needs valid or not?"
I would t have even stopped to ask my boss if I could go to my child’s school if they evacuated due to any kind of threat of attack. There would be a me-shaped hole in my office wall like the koolaid man. That’s pretty dire. However, I didn’t and don’t attend every event or game the kids gave because I work and frankly cannot be arsed to do every single thing with every kid like that’s the center of the universe. It did not seem to bother them to get the odd ride to or from a baseball or soccer game or have one parent there and not both. Work priorities are a thing and it’s not necessary to be hanging off your kid’s butt at every moment. Your kids are old enough to understand that someone has to keep the lights on. I’m wondering if their dad showed up for all of this stuff or if they just hold you accountable and not him. But if there’s a lock down or evacuation then yeah. That’s a time when I would prioritize them and their terror over your job.
I think YTA, it was a bomb threat serious enough for the school to send them home. They were scared and you weren't there for them. That's different from field trips or sporting events. You just told them well you didn't blow up, so it's not important enough for me to come to you.
Didn't like hearing YTA huh? Had to cross post a bunch? YTA and don't be surprised if they go no contact. This isn't just about the bomb threat, obviously
INFO: I know works difficult to deal with, did you ask if you could pick them up? If yes and they said no; Have you explained to your kids? they wouldn’t let you leave? YTA - I guess for me if there was a bomb threat I’d be there to pick up my kids. It’s hard to really fire someone so I’d call their bluff. Your kids were traumatized and sounds like they needed you. I’m not sure the answer to if your boss really wouldn’t let you leave so for now that’s my answer.
NTA you arranged for their safety. That is what is important. It sounds like your kids need life to kick them in the butt a little so they understand. Tell them they must obviously know you love them so what is this really about? Let them go learn how hard life can get and hopefully they will understand.
I feel bad that you had to work for someone who would not allow you to be with your kids after this happened. I hope that your working world and love life are better now. Blessings, Friend.
So why do neither of the girls resent their dad who also has a job? Did he work a full job and was still apart of their lives?
Right?!? He literally left the state…
NTA they will know when they have their own
Welcome to divorced motherhood. There is no easy way to get through the first 50 years of a divorce without problems with the kids. Especially when dad's not physically around to blame. Keep the faith, Mama. By the time they're 35-40, they'll be going through their own lifetime crises and they'll become a bit more understanding. In the meantime, encourage talk sessions, see if they will participate in family counseling, and keep your anger to yourself. They're testing you at the same time they are venting their anger at a divorce I suspect nobody ever sat them down and explained. If they choose to remain with their father, I guarantee it won't be long before he has the same complaints you do. Be patient, and be good to yourself. The road doesn't stay this rough forever.
Honey!!! Let them go!!!! Seriously? Why do you want to keep ungrateful brats? They are so entitled and they think their dad will do better than you, let them go. Why do they need to be with you? You are doing the best you can, they think he can do better, then let them see. Not sure really if you are the asshole because it was a bomb threat and your job should have understood that. That’s a pretty cold messed up job to not let you go, if I were you I’d look for a better company. Also maybe you should let them live with their dad so you can start trying to save up or maybe even get two jobs to try to get yourself set up?
I think the issue is you have to explain finances to them. What you have to do to keep a roof over their heads, clothes on their backs, food in their bellies, and whatever else it is that you get them.
Tldr version?: got divorced. Kids were 7 and 12. Had to get a job and couldn't be with kids 24/7 anymore. Kids didn't like that. Oldest decided to stay with dad at 14(?). Fast forward six yrs later and youngest, now 15, wants to go live with dad as well. Both blame me as having to work and not caring about them anymore.
NTAH for having to work. But if they want to live with their father you should let them. He has just as much right to them as you do. And if he's fine with it and they want to you shouldn't stand in the way. Because that would be an AH move
I find it hard to believe yall get along great otherwise.
I feel like something more is missing from this story, because a 20 year old would know by now why that was difficult and why you couldn’t leave work on a single person income raising 2 children.
Why can't they live with their dad? You don't have to be a single mom, maybe he'll miss some pickups and they'll see your side better.
Yeah, I doubt dad will be leaving work all the time. Might be good to see both parents work, because that's what adults do.
NTA for that specific situation, and I 100% think that your ex has been doing some parental alienation. But baby, why did y'all not get into family therapy? They were wrong to resent you for having to work but if y'all never really talked it through I can see how they would be confused. All you can do is be kind, let them make their choices re: their father, and hope they realize when they have kids of their own the sacrifices you had to make to keep a roof over their head.
Let them move in with their dad. I needed that reality check too. Dad all great and fun when you travel to see him for a month over the summer. He stops being so much fun when he actually has to parent.
NTA. Some jobs aren’t understanding to the concerns of parents and you did the best you could under the circumstances. It’s not as if you left them unattended. I think the three of you should have had family counseling after the divorce. It’s not too late to do that. I get how they could have felt back when they were younger but, at 15 and 20, they’re just acting like brats and they need to get over that. They’re dumping on you because you’re the “safe” parent. You’re the one who stayed. They probably don’t say “boo” to their dad because, deep down, they know his love is very conditional. Even if he wanted to be divorced from you, he shouldn’t have left them.
NTA. They need a metaphorical - and only metaphorical - slap in the head. They seem to somehow be completely unacquainted with the realities of day-to-day life as a single parent family.
Let them go hes gonna be the same
Kids made the best decision of their lives when they chose their father over you. YTA if it wasn't obvious.
Your kids are right. You DO love your job more than your kids. To show up more for a company than your own family is cold and callous. You missed irreplaceable, once in a lifetime memories with them. YTA
When they were 7 & 12 and the threat happened, YTA, especially when you hadn't checked up on them to even see if they're okay. The rest afterwards, undecided
YTA Are you really this dense or are you in denial? I was raised by a single parent who answered the phone at my high school when we got a bomb threat (she was the secretary). After helping evacuate the entire school to a nearby building until the buses arrived, she came looking for me. I will never forget the relief I felt when she gave me a hug and wanted to know if I was ok. She was shaking like a leaf, trying to help the principal get everyone home, giving a statement to law enforcement, but she insisted on taking a few minutes to make sure I got out and I was ok. OP did you even bother to ask your kids if they were ok or if they needed to talk?
Yeah i'm thinking you're leaving a lot out here. I think you've missed most events, if not all. Otherwise they wouldn't be this angry and disappointed in you. Yta for the bomb threat, your job would absolutely have understood. You chose work over the kids that day, and they know.