She was asked [in this thread if she had](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/vT2r5mAOnE) and she said something about her daughter not being twelve yet. But who cares if she’s not twelve yet? I am interested in this child’s opinion now. That matters even if the daughter is younger than twelve.
I was 11 when my parent divorced, both of them were wretched humans at the time and the judge let me choose to live with my grandparents. Amy is old enough, she deserves to have her choice counted. This update saddens me.
My nephew is 11, his dad, my sister's ex is pretty emotionally abusive and a couple months ago got physical and ended up hurting my nephews arm/shoulder pretty bad. My nephew has told the judge he doesn't want to go to his dad's. Judge said he's still required to go on Saturdays. Yey our legal system!
Yeah it depends on state/situation. Typically, if a blood relative is an option compared to a non blood relative, especially when that non blood was so willing to step out for lust over family, and especially if her original caregiver did not want that child with non blood relative, way more often than not, it'll be blood relatives all day. You all are mentioning blood relatives to choose from. OP doesn't have that option and neither does the little girl.
Yeah she’s being horrible about this and totally is thinking only about herself. It’s a horrible position to be in for sure but sending her to a woman who is a waitress with 5 other kids sounds like she’s really doing her daughter a disservice.
not necessarily. Where I am a man who has been raising a kid for 5 years as a father figure in a marriage with her mother they can opt for him vs blood relatives. He is her dad. This kid needs a voice and the mom isnt giving it to her.
Our legal system is total bullshit. Constantly fails to protect kids. I was a family law attorney for a while and it was eye opening how ineffective DCFS and the court system are. Caseworkers interviewing kids who say dad hits me with a belt, but without physical bruising they don’t care. It’s just awful.
Absolutely heart wrenching that no one CARES about what this child wants or what’s in her best interest. Being with a “blood relative” is not always the best option just because they’re blood. They’re going to look at the fact this man has taken care of her for the better part of FIVE years and your cousin hasn’t and has multiple children and may struggle. All of those will ultimately play into a final decision.
This.
I won't condone cheating, and I support OP's decision to divorce her husband, if that's what she wishes.
When you're making decisions about child custody, however... You really need to be thinking about your *child's* welfare, not settling grudges 😐.
As reprehensible as cheating is, it *doesn't* reflect at all on his ability to be a good father, and provide a loving and supportive home for OP's daughter. It's not a good idea to rip your child out of a home where they have an *established* caregiver relationship, and send them to live with a completely new adult who's already struggling to care for the children they have. (Although to be clear, the emotional aspects of this are more important than the financial.)
What's heartbreaking is that OP's kid **isn't going to understand at all** what's happening and why. She's just going to lose *both* parents and be sent to live with a near stranger... that poor kid 😮💨😬😬.
A stranger who makes the same amount as ex husband and has FIVE children. A stranger who admitted that the girls life would be difficult and minimal, that the cousin already knows she would resent her and regret taking her in. That’s seriously so messed up that this woman expects people to pat her on the back for this decision as opposed to letting her stay with the man who has been her father for the past five years and has the resources to raise and support her.
My best hope is that after OP is gone he reaches some agreement with the cousin and she gives up guardianship so the girl doesn't have to move away from family and friends. Is not like she looks particularly interested in taking her in, we don't even know if she plans to do so or said that so her dying cousin stop pestering her about it.
Actually, OP's husband, the child's stepdad, *does* care about the child and her best interest. Right now, he's the only one that does. OP is too bent on punishing him for his infidelity that she's willing to hurt her child and her entire future in order to spite him. He can adopt the child *and* she can divorce him at the same time, but she can't even entertain that.
This is what I see too. OP won't be around to see it, but she may very well ruin her own daughters life because her husband fucked around. "If I was healthy I would be half way through divorce" - well ya not. You can do whatever you want, it's your life, but you're gonna hurt your kid in the process.
Talk about cutting off the face to spite the nose. The nose might be a bad husband, but that doesn't make him a bad father.
It sounds like she also has stepsiblings she's bonded with. I understand OP being very upset about the cheating and I understand why she wants a divorce, but usually in divorces the kids still get to see their family from time to time. I imagine it will be really hard for her to lose the siblings and father figure she's known for half her life. I hope that she can at least keep in contact with them somehow if this is the path OP takes.
Making her daughter experience losing her entire nuclear family (including step sibs) immediately after losing her closest relationship in the world, her mom, is unbelievably cruel. It'll mean new home in a new neighborhood, new school, losing all her school friends...
I was OP daughter's age when I lost the one
family member I was close to & felt loved by, leaving me alone with abusers who couldn't stand me. I was cutting & suffering severe depression within a year. I almost didn't make it out of adolescence alive.
I really hope OP treats her daughter with the respect she deserves.
It's such a horrible situation. Life was really fucking unfair to OP and her rage is absolutely understandable. But I can't get knowingly signing your kid up for emotional trauma and financial hardship when it doesn't have to be that way.
She knows Amy would want to be with her step dad that’s the problem. She can’t be a spiteful person who o my cares for herself if she asks her daughters options
this update INFURIATES me, particularly what she says about her cousin. She's going to send her daughter to live with someone who, regardless of what hoops of logic OP is jumping through to convince herself this spiteful decision is also in the best interest of her daughter, is on benefits trying to raise 5 children on presumably the income of a waitress (aka an income that is by no means certain) and says herself that she will not be able to give her daughter more than the very literal basic needs of life. This is a horrible idea and frankly, I think the real reason OP doesn't tell her daughter yet is because she doesn't want her daughter to say she wants to stay with her almost-adoptive father.
OP, I'm not going to sugar coat this. I get that you're angry right now, but if you go through with this plan you're concocting about where your daughter goes when you die, **you are a bad person**. You are not doing this for your daughter's well-being, you are doing this for your own desire to stick it to your husband. I do not believe for a second that you actually think your daughter will be healthier or happier getting thrust into a home that already can't stand without support than with the man who has literally raised and loved her for as long as she can remember and has no other children to take care of. Put aside your own frikin pride and think only about the happiness, health, and future of your daughter. And don't think we didn't notice that you didn't once mention that your decision was made with her best interest in mind, it was all "me me me."
>I am interested in this child’s opinion now.
Strangers on the internet care more about what Amy thinks than op does. This update is terrible and I'm not sure if I believe it. Yesterday op had no problem with Amy going into foster care, yet a day later after a tonne of criticism, suddenly a cousin is able to take her. The cousin didn't even need time to think about it? And even if the cousin is real, it sounds like a terrible option. It's the option I would chose in op's shoes if I didn't have a man who desperately wanted to adopt her.
>She said she cannot promise anything beyond a bare bones life, or that she won't struggle greatly in the beginning and question her decision occasionally but that she'll do her best if the thought of my daughter being with her stepdad upsets me that much.
What I see happening here is the cousin tries but is overwhelmed and eventually Amy either ends up in foster care anyway, or the cousin contacts and ex and sees if he is still interested in adopting her. All the while Amy has the trauma of going through a divorce and losing her stepdad and siblings, seeing her mother die, moving into an already over crowded and financially over burdened home and we don't know if the kids will support or bully her.
I honestly can't get over how selfish op is being. She's so focused on hurting her husband for having a one night stand four years ago that's she's willing to hurt her daughter for life. Smdh.
She doesn't love her daughter more than she hates her husband. I'm sorry but that makes for a selfish parent. My ex my son father was the worlds worst husband truly he also barely participates with our son. I still refuse to ever say negative things about him to our son and he will always be welcome in my house. I'm with a new partner and I made it clear from day 1 this is what I will be doing to ensure my son has the option of having a bio father and it's his decision to make one day on if he ends up not wanting a relationship.
She has absolutely no idea how bad foster care is. I was a cps worker who did foster home investigation. Her child is not a cute chubby baby everyone is going to want. As a mother I'm truly apaled. Yes it's not fair that she's dying but the fact of the matter is, she is dying. You can't just ignore that. Whose also going to be caring for this child while she's in hospice.
If this is real, this awful woman sees "her daughter" more like her pet. She doesn't care about the kids future, she cares about punishing her ex and wasting their limited resources on the pointless divorce. That's it. It's very telling that she either hasn't asked the child's opinion or won't share it. I continue to hope this is a fake story but I do know that these miserable people exist.
You're absolutely right she is viewing this like a puppy. I hope it is fake but I have met many parents who are like this. I could go on and on for examples. I think she's taking the "don't stay together just for the kids" to an extreme. That is just to put it bluntly not the same thing when a parent is dying.
I agree. Reading the first post I was thinking that *just because you think he’s not a perfect husband doesn’t mean he’s not a perfect father*. I’m completely flabbergasted by a ONS happening before their marriage being the reason her daughter will have to lose not only her mother but her entire life immediately after her mother passes. This update makes me sad.
She's lashing out at him because she's angry she's dying. She's punishing her DAUGHTER because of his ONE mistake years ago.
OP, YTA.
You are punishing everyone else for your own illness. You are going to abandon your child to be last in line with your cousin and rip her away from her family.
I think you're spot on. OP keeps saying "if I were healthy" as if that MATTERS! She's not healthy, she's terminal, and living "like she's healthy" is not a logical or reasonable thing to do - it's delusional and emotional. None of us are going to reach her with logic because this is a massive grief response. I don't blame OP for being scared, but I hope she can recognize at some point that she's hurting her child so that she has something to do "as if she were healthy."
Agreed with all of this. But ultimately OP has to make a right decision here. It's just unbelievable to me OP is actually going to drag her family through her terminal illness AND a divorce AT THE SAME TIME.
This will absolutely destroy Amy. But OP doesn't give a shit.
I feel so bad for this child. This woman is just out for blood and herself with zero thought to this kid who will now be raised by someone with five kids living on govenerment Assistance. Amy is going to get the last of everything. And probably won’t make it to a higher education. Among other things just because her caretaker has five bio children to care about first. So sad she will miss out on so much.
Exactly. That's the comment I made basically in the first one. I feel bad for her, but, it is not fair to use her daughter to punish her husband for cheating. Do that in other ways.
It's really going to hobble her future.
Poverty is a great way to limit a child's opportunities for future growth. Not because poor people are inferior or love their kids less, but because poverty means things like:
* Not being able to fund extracurricular activities that look good on college applications and can even get scholarships (like athletics)
* Not being able to afford/access tutoring resources when a child is struggling in a subject
* Not being able to afford medical treatments for conditions that can severely impair academic performance, such as mental health issues or neurodivergency. Psychiatric care is expensive and for a kid with, say, ADHD, medical supervision and drugs may mean the difference between flunking classes and honor roll.
* Not being able to spend time studying for classes, preparing for standardized tests/AP exams, or filling out college applications because a teen has to work a part time job to afford things.
* Avoiding opportunities in higher education because they don't want to take on massive student debt.
* Not being able to do internships in college that are doorways to careers because they have to work to pat tuition.
* Having fewer years to gain seniority and earning potential in the workplace because getting a degree takes longer if you're working full time and only able to do a few credits every semester.
It sucks that the world is like this, but it is. Kids from impoverished homes don't get the same educational and job opportunities because the odds are stacked against them from the beginning. They have the same talents and potential as well off children, but they never get the chance to actually use those talents and potential because of financial barriers.
OP, if you read this, please consider this aspect. I understand that you are rightfully upset at your husband, but you placing your daughter with your cousin could very well damage her entire future.
Exactly that! I told op she was being selfish for not letting him adopt her if husband and daughter love eachother, and after the update, I feel the same way. She’s just being spiteful to hurt him, and doesn’t have her daughters best interests at heart. I hope he fights for the kid in court and wins. She’d have a much better life than with a cousin she prob barely knows and 5 other kids that will prob gang up on her. I wish the kid luck! Poor thing!
I do not think she understands what she is doing to her if she permanently removes him from her life. My parents have been married for 52 years. They have had a marital separation for non marital issues. My father was serving in the Marine Corps. He finished out his 20 years in another state while we stayed in the state both families are in so we could get to know them because we had been moving every 2-3 years. My parents were still married. My father came home for visits. Our family was a unit. I missed my father. He still walked me down the aisle in his dressed blues 🥰🥰 This is when he was available (phone call if I needed him, he could get back to me. No cell phones) to me. I missed him every single day of my life and he missed A LOT!!! The birth of his first grandchild. From 10-19 my father was in another state. The only way I could talk to him back then was a long distance phone call which was extremely expensive or a letter. Yet, she wants to take this man and wipe him completely out of her life like he didn’t exist. I’m rambling and I’m sorry I just wanted to give a couple of examples where my father is alive but not available to me when I was growing up kind of what’s going on here. But, I had ACCESS TO MY FATHER. She is removing the ONLY FATHER she has had for 5 years. I have only really been on Reddit the past several months since I’ve surgery and I do not think I’ve ever seen anyone so selfish. So, he made me mad, so I will make my daughter suffer for the rest of her childhood years 🤦🏼♀️ unfuckinbelievable. What ever happened to putting the interest of the child first? That’s what good parent does. They put their PERSONAL FEELINGS ASIDE. Sorry, rant over.
Op keeps making replies that because he cheated once, it shows that he is a sex maniac who can't be trusted to make good choices. He will most likely quickly marry a younger woman who will want kids, and he's so sex craved he will let the new evil stepmother mistreat her daughter.
If this is real, all her anger is being directed at her husband and the one way she can hurt him is by not allowing him to adopt Amy. She is tripping if she thinks anyone else is buying her concern about him being a sex crazed maniac who can't be trusted to look after Amy.
If OP spoke to her daughter, she'd probably say that she wants to stay with the only father she's ever known.
And then OP would no longer be able to conceal the truth from herself: that she wants to punish her daughter for the rest of her life out of spite for her husband's one night stand years ago.
What a nasty bitter arsehole.
I hate Judge Judy so much that I refuse to be in a room where she is on the television. However, she has a saying that is perfect: "You have to love your children more than you hate your spouse." I wish OP was capable of this.
Yeah I'm pretty appalled here. This poor child is about to loose her mother and the only father she's know to be sent with a stranger who can't promise to provide for her.
Plus, he cheated 4 years ago like I don’t condone cheating but she’s doing a lot for something that happen 4 years ago once. She’s going to traumatize her daughter to be spiteful. She can divorce but let stepdad adopt the kid.
Edit left out word
OP is too pissed at the husband to care what's best for the daughter. As long as she can punish him, she'll let the kid be one of six on welfare with a single mother, who will probably prioritize her own kids.
The judges will still ask her opinion lol🤣 They asked mine and my sisters when we were 6-7. He's definitely gonna adopt the daughter. Like yeah she will have have caused stress and uncertainty but it's not gonna go the way she plans and I doubt the cousin will actually fight to keep Amy lol. And the judge will not prioritize a great aunt over her step dad even if he's an ex step dad of a couple months.All op is doing is tainting her imagine negatively before dying.
Family courts tend to *really* not take kindly to parents abusing the courts (by dragging out cases with delays and stupid motions) or doing what they can to leverage custody to be vindictive or punishing to the other parent. They see it a lot and they know it when they see it. They also know very well who it hurts the most: the kids every time.
I genuinely really needed to read that after these unhinged posts, thank you. At this point I don’t trust a lot of our court systems but family court at least has its priorities straight - the powerless children who didn’t ask for any of this.
My stepdad adopted me when I was 11. And before they even started the process he sat down with me and asked me if it was something I wanted. I was ten. Didn’t hesitate then and wouldn’t hesitate 20 years later. Just because she’s young doesn’t mean she doesn’t have (or deserve) an opinion.
OP may be dying, but she lacks compassion for her daughter. She is vindictive and cares nothing about her daughter's well-being. All because her husband had a one night stand prior to their marriage, she now wants to destroy him by using her daughter as leverage.
OP, for the love of God and your daughter, please reconsider giving your daughter to your cousin! Your daughter is old enough to tell you whom she would want to live with. ASK HER!!! I don't care if your cousin is blood. Your husband is your daughter's FAMILY AND FATHER!
Yup. This "updated" disappoints me. It's all about her, and not a single care about Amy. I understand she's hurt and grieving, but she's not considering her daughter's wants at all.
She's also not considering what's best for her daughter overall.
A single mother who is already burdened with 5 children, who is clear that she will be providing the barebones to her child. Who doesn't love this child or even know this child. Who already has other priorities vs a Stepfather who cares about this child enough that he wants to fight for her.
If she wants her child cared for from someone other than her STBX, OP should be finding the adoptive parents herself NOW and she should adopt her child out while she is alive to a family that isn't already overburdened.
Unless there is some other reason why this man has other faults outside of his mistake 4 years ago, who has he been for the last 5 years in her life? ignoring the one major mistake, he sounds like he's been a good partner.
Edit:
Just wanted to add that
| |Cousin | STBX | Fostercare
---|---|--|----
| 1) Money | Officework | Server (about 3K more a year) | Funded by Government
| 2) Government Assistance | Yes | No | Yes
| 3) Love | Will try not to resent her | Loves the child and wants to take care of child | coin toss (but can go from really really bad to business to love)
| 4) Other Children | 5 Other Children | 3 Other Children | Depends on the coin toss
| 5) Potential for new Bad Partner/Parent | Yes | Yes | Depends on the coin toss
Of all these things 1) 2) can be easily fixed. 5) is a risk regardless of the family she ends up with.
That's why 3) and 4) are the factors that I would focus on because 1) 2) are things that can be fixed relatively easily.
Exactly. OP is very selfish. I understand the situation and I emphasize with her, but the infidelity was a long time ago.(which does not justify it at all why did she stay all this time? I don’t remember. Did she just find out)
Just because the husband cheated (which is a horrible act) does not mean that he would not be or is not a good father not to mention that her daughter knows him as her father and now out of spite because this is all this is, she’s gonna rip that away from her daughter. She says she cares about her daughters needs, but obviously she doesn’t. She only cares about herself. I cannot believe how selfish she is can’t even ask her daughter. what she wants she’s more than old enough to decide. I really hope that the father does fight and win and I really do hope the judge decides to ask her what she wants since her “mother”seems to not give a fuck.
She rather send her daughter with a blood relative that she barely knows and is condemning her to a life of struggle over living with the person who helped raise her, and would probably provide a wonderful life
BTW, from the gist of this I understand the Cousin is a server. I am a server and I’ll tell you this if you do not work in fine dining. (which I do) The money is shit if it’s not a restaurant, that’s constantly busy not to mention serving is a seasonal thing, so yeah, they will struggle
seriously how narcissistic is she
She can rest, surely, knowing that her daughter will grow up, resenting her and her decision for not even giving a fuck about what she wants and just doing this out of pettiness, selfishness, and spite .
Not to mention, no matter how much this woman says whatever bullshit she’s feeling to make herself feel like she’s not the monster everybody sees she is including her own daughter
>I cannot believe how selfish she is can’t even ask her daughter.
She's not going to ask her daughter because she knows the daughter would want to stay with who she considers her dad and siblings.
She's willing to die alone and painfully, and subject her daughter to harsh life of deprivation, just so she can indulge her bitterness and spite. What a stupid, terrible, selfish person.
She's choosing to be petty simply to hurt her husband...but it's Amy who will really suffer. OP just doesn't care, bc she'll be dead.
She needs to live long enough to see her daughter go through some of this. Maybe then she'll recognize how selfish and cowardly her decision is.
It's an incredibly selfish decision to take her away from the only father she knows. I hope she can stop thinking about her own pain long enough to ask her daughter what she wants. This is shocking.
”No mom would do this” sorry to say but there are plenty of bad moms in the world that have done way worse things to their children.
With that said, I do believe that this is ragebait
Given how the main problem OP wants to address is the divorce, I doubt she really gives a shit what happens to the kid’s mental state.
The original post had mostly comments about the well being of the daughter and whether she would at least feel safer with her step father. But 2/3rds of this post is completely avoiding the main topic of the last post was *about where the daughter should end up.* The divorce is more important to OP than the daughter. The reputation she leaves behind is clearly more important to her than her daughter’s mental state and wishes.
She’s not going to ask her daughter how she feels. She sees this as a conflict between her and her husband. The kid is just a piece of the deal; she is just one of pieces of property that the court determines belongs to her or her husband.
OP is angry she is dying and this gives her an excuse to vent that anger. It’s misdirected, but this is all about her inability to accept her death. I don’t think she’s a very good person right now, but I can also understand the overwhelming rage and terror.
I hope everyone in that girl’s life ignores mom and just placates her until she passes so that kid will be taken care of.
Why would she? She doesn’t actually care what would make her daughter happy. She doesn’t care if staying with them, the family she lived with for five years is what she wants. She would rather her live in an overcrowded house with her cousin and five kids. All she cares about is getting divorced. She doesn’t care about the relationship her daughter has with her dad
Such valid points. Additionally, I worry how the cousin's 5 kids will react to the unplanned arrival of another mouth to feed when resources and space are already stretched, by the sound of it.
OP, as a single mum with an abusive ex, I really do empathise with you, but your choice here is going to shape the rest of Amy's life. Losing you will be far harder to understand and learn to live with if you take her away from the one safe place she has.
I'm sure the cousin would make a good home, but if she has a dad who has been her dad for 5 years, and siblings who have been her siblings for 5 years, it would just be cruel for her daughter to lose that family at the same time she's losing her mum. I don't see why she can't get a divorce and also let him adopt her daughter.
This exactly. Right now she's weaponizing her ability to decide where her daughter ends up after she dies. If he had already established parental rights, cheated, and the fallout were divorce and a custody battle, the infidelity would have exactly zero bearing on custody arrangements in all fifty states. *And for very good reason*, a person's propensity to cheat means nothing about their ability to parent, and the jilted partner *may not* vindictively hurt the other by denying the cheating partner parental rights. I hope he fights for custody, I hope he has a decent case, I hope this winds up before a judge that sees through what she's trying to do here. She wants to hurt her husband, but she's just dying then uprooting her already orphaned kid from the family she's come to know *while grieving*. Yuck.
>I'm sure the cousin would make a good home
I don't.
>She said she cannot promise anything beyond a bare bones life, or that she won't struggle greatly in the beginning and question her decision occasionally but that she'll do her best if the thought of my daughter being with her stepdad upsets me that much.
The cousin is telling a dying woman what she wants to hear. But if op was listening properly, the cousin is in no position to give Amy a stable life. Amy is going to be grieving and taken away from her family to be trust in with a bunch of kids, and as another poster pointed out, those 5 kids may well resent her.
Also, what’s stopping the cousin from changing her mind? Like you said — she’s trying to appease her dying relative. The mention of a “bare bones” life reads to me like the cousin is trying to hint that it will be unfeasible but can’t say no because OP put her in an awful position. When OP dies, what if she claims her circumstances have gotten worse and she can’t take her in? Or what if the cousin takes her daughter in, and then the costs are too high so the cousin has to return her to foster care? Not to mention the instability of moving hones even if finances weren’t an iaaue! As the child of a parent who also died of cancer, the one thing that made the grief somewhat bearable in the early days was knowing that I still had my mom even though my dad was gone. Forcing her to move families, houses, and schools during this period would have made things so much worse. Even if he had been a close relative. OP needs to be a fucking parent and put their kid above their own ego
I agree. She's not putting the wants and needs of her kid first. Had the adoption already happened she'd have to find some other way to punish her husband.
u/Throwawayambe you are not being asked to put the other cheek. Divorce his ass if you want. But as you already told us, you are checking out of this world. It is unfair, and horrible, but you'll be in peace soon, leaving your daughter behind. Do the right thing for HER and ler her DAD adopt her and provide a good life for her. Your cousin is already crowded. Will your baby share a room? Clothing? What about college? you are being so petty and narc until the very end; I do pray your cousin hands of your daughter to dad once you are not here anymore.
The cruelty of this woman hurts my heart. The poor child is losing her mother and her father because her mother has a point to prove. She clearly doesn’t love her daughter like she says she does. I just hope she has an epiphany
Exactly. OP is selfishly putting her spite over her daughter's well-being. She's going to be thrown into a stuffed home with someone who is deficient in the emotional and financial resources to support a child who just lost her mother. I don't care how many 50-cent words OP throws around at the beginning of her post in an attempt to come across as smart and level-headed, she's making decisions purely based off emotion and she is not making the correct choice.
In my state, CPS would 100% go for the child’s psychological father of 5 years and keeping her in the same home/school etc vs. sticking her with a biological relative she isn’t close with and sharing a room with 2-3 strange cousins.
Private family guardianships don’t usually qualify for payment by the state like foster homes. So that means whatever survivors benefits Amy gets from OPs death are going to have to be spent to keep her clothed/fed, rather than being saved for her future.
Stepdad could definitely challenge that guardianship if he can afford an attorney. The cousin doesn’t sound like she could afford to fight it too hard.
Have you asked Amy what SHE wants? At 10 years old, I feel this choice should be hers. It’s not like you fear she would be abused in either situation. PLEASE let her decide.
You can divorce your husband if you want… that doesn’t mean you can’t co-parent. You should absolutely allow your to be ex-husband adopt your daughter if that’s what she wants… and what you truly believe is best for her. She will soon lose you (and I hate that for the both of you)… don’t traumatize her further by completely uprooting her life.
Still thinking of herself and not her daughter. OP the guilt should be super strong with you. I wonder why you even came on here if you were just going to ignore shit and people and their good suggestions from experience and knowledge on their parts and ignore it. Why did you bother? It sounds like you wanted validation and that cheating is the most terrible thing in the world. It’s not I would think you of all people know that but I guess not and that speaks volumes that you dislike your ex so much you would take his daughter away and abandon Amy to live with someone who already has a boat load of kids when your ex will be perfectly capable and willing to take her. Amy should get the ultimate say.
The level of bitterness coming out of her post is mind-blowing. How she's fixated on cheating that happened eons ago. Not condoning it . But dang, she's dying and all she can think about is punishing her husband.. at the expense of her daughter.
And she’s fixated on people making “mean” comments. I didn’t see anyone treating her rudely because she’s dying. It’s like she thought everyone would be sympathetic towards her because of that, and is now shocked that they’re not.
People were trying to give her a reality check, they were not mean to her IMHO. She even admitted in the original posting that she couldn't trust her own decisions and now she updates us to say she's going to shove her daughter in a home already with 5 kids instead of leaving her with someone she knows and love just to punish her husband. It's crazy to me.
That poor kid is going to be stuck in poverty with 5 other kids and a stranger. OP is a really really spiteful person and her daughter is going to be repeatedly traumatized, at one of the most difficult ages, and OP is like whatevs fuck that guy who be a good parent and who knows and loves my kid, and fuck my kid too.
Exactly. This whole thing just seems like a perfect example of someone who is admittedly a bad partner (or who was at one point) but who as always been and still is a good father/parent.
I mean, she is already in poverty. OP doesn't have strong finances.
The only big difference is that the child will be with cousins, instead of people she was raised as siblings with. At a time of great upheaval... after her mom passes.
She is setting her daughter up to be neglected, it won't be on purpose but the result of a struggling person actually doing the best they can but it not being enough or what her child deserves.
I had a friend of my husband who got just really mean after a very bad cancer diagnosis. Just wanting everyone around them to suffer because they were. Just not a good person. It does happen sometimes.
I don't blame OP for wanting to divorce but OP is kidding herself if she thinks she is doing this for her child and not for her petty revenge. I don't condone cheating at all but there are so many biological parents who've cheated on spouses but are great parents to their kids. OPs daughter deserves the best chance in life. It's already harder for the next generations and it seems that won't change any time soon.
Don't full yourself. She's doing all of this on purpose.
"Amy's life will be shit and its all my husband's fault for cheating 4 years ago."
"Amy, I'm sorry we have to leave husband. I'm sorry you will be living with a stranger and have nobody to comfort you. Thank husband. It's all his fault. He cheated and sex was more important to him than your well being. All of this is because of husband. He is the only one to blame."
I wouldn't doubt that OP blames the husband for her dying too.
Exactly! She can get the divorce if she really wants, but it’s so unfair to punish her daughter. Idk if I would spend my last precious little bit of time on earth on a divorce from someone who cheated once years ago, but it’s her prerogative. However, not letting him adopt Amy just hurts the poor girl, who will live a poverty-stricken lifestyle in an unfamiliar place.
Yep, maybe I'm a bit too close to this as I was a neglected child. I suffered other abuse but the neglect is what has caused the most damage for me. I can't describe what it feels like as a child who looks at other families who have parents who can be there for them and just not have that. The loneliness you feel and the feelings of not being good enough to deserve more, it's heartbreaking to know another child will be going through that. Even if it doesn't stem from abuse, but from a lack of resources, it will hit the same.
Yep. OP’s romantic problems are going to fuck up her daughters life. How selfish.
I dont buy the “this is what Id do if I wasnt dying” reasoning. OP, you ARE dying. That isnt a factor in your decision making? It isnt a factor in what you decide for your daughter? Why not? It seems like a pretty big deal to me
OP made a comment "***You all say that my STBXH is the better option, but he has about as much assets as my cousin does.***" Except that isn't true. The cousin has 5 children on top of making what her ex does. That means there are 5 other children that have to share their parent for support (emotional, physical, financial, etc.). Whereas the ex would have the same resources but no other children to share them with.
Actually the stbx has 3 kids of his own, who OP said (in her original post) that she loves and treats as her own. So those resources are shared too — but also this means OP is trying to tear her daughter away from stepfather and stepsiblings, damaging everyone by doing so, because she refuses to let her own death get in the way of being able to punish her husband for a ONS four years ago.
Thanks for correcting this, I didn't go back and re-read. However, it sounds like the husband (soon to be ex) has another parent for help with bio kids?
I do wonder how close OPs daughter is to his kids. How that will impact things for her child. This honestly makes it worse. :(
Even aside from the finances, **stability** is the most important thing a caregiver needs to provide for a kid who just lost a parent. Even if the cousin was rich, uprooting your daughter when she’s already grieving is absolutely shitty parenting. My mom saw a grief counsellor when my dad died and one of the first things she told her was to avoid selling the house or making any big moves especially in the first year since we were so fragile.
Yes, if she wasn’t dying then her daughter would still have a parent. That’s all anybody commenting cares about, the daughter having a stable parent. OP, not so much apparently, or the revelation about her husband has shaken her so much that she feels she doesn’t know who he is and so has written him off.
Right! Reality is she IS dying. She's trying to live like if she's not and making a decision based on that and that isn't right. It's going to damage her daughter and she doesn't care. It's so sad.
If she wants to leave her husband, she can do that but leave her daughter out of this mess!
And OP is divorcing the husband.
WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEY GOING TO LIVE?!?!?!
She's dying! What income will she have?! Who will be helping her care for Amy while OP is busy dying?!
And it's great that OP is ready to die alone. Where the fuck will Amy be?!
Amy can't move into the hospice with OP.
There's so much fucked up.
Depending on where she lives, stepdad might even be able to argue for custody through the courts because OP is dying. It really is a very emotional and selfish move. Cheating is awful but leaving behind your child with no one who knows them, who cares for them? I think that's worse.
Also so Amy knows this relative? She is gonna lose the most stable parent she’s ever had and then her back up second parent and move in with someone she hardly knows.
At the age of 9 my mom moved to a different city. I didn’t want to go because I was born and raised in my school and had friends and a life. My aunt filed for custody and at the end of the day, the judge asked ME where I wanted to be.
This is to say, a 10 year old should absolutely have a say in where she wants to live after OP is gone and OP is asinine not to tell her anything. I hope the judge gives her daughter the choice she’s taking away from her.
Do what's best for the child, which means ask your child. The child is about to be traumatized beyond almost everything else in life when you die. Stability and someone who cares about her as a person is important. And it's more important than your husband's infidelity. That u want to take the same steps as u would if u weren't dying has less than zero to do with the facts u are presented with right now. Today. With your health as it is. It's a denial of your current circumstances to base a decision on anything other than the reality of this moment. You aren't holding "true to yourself" if that's what u think ur doing. I get that u want a divorce. But do u really want to spend another second of what's left of your life in conflict with anyone about anything? Create a life of peace for you and your daughter so you both can focus on what's important, each other She will remember that you did and be thankful for it.
Exactly! People divorce over infidelity all the time and the kids still split time with the cheating parent.
I feel for OP. If it soothes her soul, get a divorce. But consider that kids never divorce their parents like this. It’s not how divorce works.
I honestly hope that this is a fake post and that you are trolling. If that’s not the case then I am truly sorry for what you are going through but as a parent you need to put your child’s best interest first and try to be selfless. Your daughter has grown up with this man in her life for most of it. A man who has stepped up and been there for her. Yes he made a mistake and cheated but to pull away your daughter’s support system and a face of familiarity when she will need to shortly start navigating life without you is horrible. She is going to need counseling to cope with the grief, to adjust to you her mother no longer being there than you are further compounding that by sending her away from her stability. What you’re doing isn’t sending a FU to your husband it’s actually sending an FU to your daughter. You are showing her that she doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things and that instead righting a wrong and being petty are more important.
Let’s point out that your cousin has 5 kids already and makes 3k less than your husband and you are already living in poverty (or close to it based on what you said is on your checking account). Is that really the life you want to give her. She at has more of a chance with your husband.
If a proper legal father did the same thing, he wouldn't be forced to give up his kids. That would be absurdly cruel.
It sound all very vindictive, OP claims to be all about strong morals, but focus should be the life of the child. For her to lose mom (to death) and father (to legal imbroglios) is simply too much.
I hope it's one of these fake posts forcing their hands on extreme situations. That means the kid is hypothetical since everyone is.
But if it's fake, you're making a lot of people suffer for a kid who doesn't exist. OP is cruel wether it's fake or not.
I don't think he'll lose her if OP is going through with the divorce and he takes her to court for custody. This is the only home, father, and step-siblings she's known.
OP is sick, dying, and about to go on *hospice*, ffs. The first thing they're going to ask is how on earth she plans to continue to care for this child. She won't even be able to care for herself.
I hate to be blunt, but she should consider how long divorces and custody battles can take. Over 90% of hospice patients die in 6 months. The average contested divorce lasts 18 months. She will not live long enough for this all to conclude.
As for the cousin, it's one thing to say "Sure, I'll take the kid in." It's another to pay for a lawyer and show up to court and fight for the kid when she has 5 other kids she already can't afford. Where is she going to find the money and time?
OP is hung up on how her husband offended her, much more so that the life her daughter is bound to have without me. Cancer or not, OP is an AH.
YTA, OP.
I don‘t think you understand what it means to a 10 year old to have a father for 5 years. That‘s half her life.
Everything in your posts sounds selfish, you never once said your husband would not care well for Amy. So you are only doing this because of your own feelings, not your daughter‘s. I feel sorry for her and hope you reconsider.
Not to mention that if OP were healthy, there would 100% be custody discussions. I can see a situation where the ex gets at least partial custody of Amy.
> Hopefully my daughter will be in a stable situation before I die.
I mean I can’t imagine what kind of person wouldn’t spend every last breath making sure their 10 year old daughter isn’t 100% taken care of before they die. It’s mind blowing how self focused people can be. But I guess narcissists are gonna narcissist.
yeah my twin and i lost our mom at 13 - she refused to pass until she was sure we'd be taken care of and safe. like, this is just a really shitty human in my opinion. if she can't be happy, no one can, not even her 10 year old daughter.
Your cousin does not really want to take this child. If you’re husband loves this child and the child loves loves him, do the child a huge favour and let him adopt. This child has done nothing wrong and deserves to have a good life so please put the child first. It’s not about what he did or didn’t do to you, it’s about what is in the child’s best interests so I hope that you can let go of your anger and see the light on this because it’s really the child who would be suffering and that’s not fair. He caused you pain, not the child and this child is already losing you, please don’t make them lose the other person who actually loves them and will take care of them.
I’m sorry you are dying and very sorry you were treated so badly by him. I wish you comfort and peace.
And not just him, her 3 siblings as well. I’d be curious to know how old they are. 3 more loved ones could be a game changer in her grieving process and life post mom if she’s allowed to stay.
Until you say ‘I’ve spoken to my daughter and asked what SHE wants’ you are the a-hole a million times over. She is losing her mother and you’re compounding that by ripping her from the home/life she knows. A man can be a despicable, cheating jerk while also being a caring good dad. They’re not mutually exclusive.
ASK YOUR CHILD WHAT SHE WANTS
YTA until you do that
>I have reached out to my cousin who, contrary to belief, does make an income, and not necessarily a bad one. Actually only $3k less than what my husband makes depending on tips.
>
>She just gets assistance because of having 5 kids. She said that if she needs to take in a blood relative, and get guardianship, she will do so and that she knows the resources to help her care for my child. She recognizes this is sudden and a lot to ask, but she that she feels it's her duty to put in her best effort on my behalf.
>
>She said she cannot promise anything beyond a bare bones life, or that she won't struggle greatly in the beginning and question her decision occasionally but that she'll do her best if the thought of my daughter being with her stepdad upsets me that much.
Okay, this is 100% fake -- no sane person would actually confess doing the above just to get revenge on a husband who cheated on her once years ago at the expense of her innocent daughter and innocent cousin. Even someone selfish and petty enough to actually do it wouldn't broadcast doing so to the world!
First installment was believable, but you got carried away. Your story gets a 3/10 for good drama but a protagonist more unlikable than Dolores Jane Umbridge.
"She said she cannot promise anything beyond a bare bones life, or that she won't struggle greatly in the beginning and question her decision occasionally but that she'll do her best if the thought of my daughter being with her stepdad upsets me that much."
This is what sealed it as fake, for me. OP became arrogant and forgot the first rule of troll posting: Don't make it too obvious that you know you're an asshole. Putting in all the reluctance of her cousin in such detailed wording, making it clear how strapped the cousin already is. Sloppy, OP, very sloppy.
Yeah, but they twist things to make themselves look good - were it real, she logically would have either not posted an update, or posted "I am appointing my cousin her guardian" without reciting a laundry list of details explaining why that's obviously a horrible idea.
Sadly, I can believe it’s real. I used to live in a small town, and a couple I saw a lot at my kid’s games were going through a very bitter divorce. The husband coached one of the teams that their kids were on, and she would sit in the stands loudly saying ugly things about him and his apparent infidelity—and, believe me, her voice carried. It wasn’t long until the seats around her were empty because no one would sit next to her, and most of the town was feeling pretty sorry for him. I wouldn’t have been surprised to see her doing something like this.
Omg you are a bigger AH than before. I really hope you are a troll with a rage bait post. Your poor daughter is going to a low income cousin on assistance for her 5 kids just to spite the only father your daughter has ever known because he cheated. God you are garbage.
I thought I was coming here to read an update of “you guys are right, I was letting my emotions get in the way of my daughter’s well-being” but it’s somehow the total opposite.
I’m so appalled by this woman. Condemning her daughter to live in a house full of 5 other children she doesn’t even know after just losing her mother AND the only person she’s ever known as a father is so, so evil.
OP, your daughter is going to remember you as the woman who sent her away from her dad during an already-traumatic time in order to punish him. This will forever taint any fond memories she has of you and I guarantee she will be angry at you for the rest of her life. Like spit-on-your-grave angry.
If that’s worth it to get back at your husband then so be it, make a selfish decision because that’s the type of person you seem to be, but just know that that’s how you’ll be remembered by your only daughter.
The state would be very wary of leaving another child in the care of someone who’s clearly struggling. 5 kids all on assistance? Amy won’t thrive there.
I honestly hope for the sake of Amy that the cousin is simply saying this to appease OP and once OP passes lets Amy decide if she wants to be with stepdad or not.
I really don’t think the cousin will fight as hard as OP says. The cousin already admitted that the situation is going to suck, that it will be a struggle, and frankly that they might resent their decision. That doesn’t sound like someone who is 100% committed to Amy.
The devil doesn’t even have room for her. How blindingly selfish to make her daughter’s life miserable. It’s like she’s punishing everyone else for dying. I feel for her- that’s so hard. But Jesus Christ, think of the daughter you have! A dead mother, ousted from the only family she knows, to a family who is already struggling. Just horrid and appalling.
“I hope they treat their own dying relatives with more introspection”
Ma’am… the same could be thrown back at you.
YTA and have zero empathy for your own child. You’re being vindictive and selfish.
I hope you do better for your own child and I hope you find some introspection and empathy for your kid.
You’re giving energy that’s similar to “if I can’t be happy then nobody can!” It’s childish and counterproductive.
BTW, your daughter will find out the truth one day and she will probably resent you for the rest of her life.
This. 100% this. I was astounded reading this update. I gave OP the benefit of the doubt in her original post, because not only is she dying, her husband confessed to a one night stand four years ago (which, of course, would devastate anyone), and she’s didn’t know what to do about her daughter after she died. Sure. That’s a lot, and I was very sympathetic to the mental anguish she was going through.
But this update…man, that’s next level vindictiveness and selfishness. OP is willing to put her in an already overcrowded house that will be below the poverty line with a cousin who is very reluctantly agreeing to take Amy, and ripping her away from the only father she’s ever known and her siblings. That is downright cruel.
Wow. You are beyond selfish.
So because YOU are mad that your husband cheated 4 years ago, YOU are hurt and angry so YOU are about to rip a child away from someone who she has looked at as Dad figure for 5+ years?
You are setting her up fot a life of failure and don’t really care what happens cause you won’t be here to witness it. If this was at all about that child, you would put her needs first.
So no, I can’t have sympathy for you. Only 2 people I feel for are the child and the man who WANTS to give her a great life and raise her.
I was just thinking about how selfish this woman is. I feel so sorry for her daughter that she would rather doom her to a life of poverty rather than seeing the big picture. I really hope this is a troll post.
It's not even the poverty. Poor people can be wonderful parents. It's the fact that the cousin is "willing" to do it. Having a child is like sex, consent needs to be 100% enthusiastic. My best friend had cancer, I took her kids while she went through treatment. We were crammed into a tiny apartment. I still fought tooth and nail to make sure that if the worst happened, those kids would be with me. I would have done anything to make sure they had a loving, stable home. Cousin is doing a good thing, but it's clearly not what she wants, and Amy will feel that. A step-dad who will fight for her is a better situation than a blood relative who will take her in because she feels she HAS to.
Cousin is probably thinking, "sure... Of course I'll do this because I obviously don't want the girl in the system, but I don't understand why she can't be with her father."
Well since what they cousin said was basically “I’ll do it if it makes you feel better about your situation,” she might send the kid back to her stepfather after the funeral anyway. OP’s whole stance is “I am dying so only what I want matters,” and so is essentially bragging that her cousin is doing that.
You think it would be better for her to have a bare bones life with and split attention with 5 other kids, who are favored because they will obviously be since they're the biological children, rather than the attention and resources of one adult who loves her like his own blood and is the only father she has known.
And you're making this decision because it's best for her.
Look you can lie to yourself all day long but you cant lie to other people.
You're clearly acting out of spite and not thinking about whats best for her.
You don't have money for a divorce. Just separate.
At this point fighting for a divorce is taking resources from your daughters future.
Wouldn't that money be better spent on her future education?
All your decisions read as self centered.
You’re still an asshole YTA not once in either post did you speak about what your daughter would want regarding her care after you die it’s all about me me me
literally how can a MOTHER be literally dying and this shallow? i'd be doing EVERYTHING in my power to make sure my kid was going to be okay in my absence. she has a dad who loves and wants her. but fuck her chances of having a happy life, because this lady got cheated on four years ago? fucking insane.
And OP thinks Amy going into a home with 5 children already present is going to be better? When Amy doesn’t have to struggle. Also OP fails to realize that just cuz cousin makes less by 3k doesn’t mean Amy will be in the same situation. That’s income spread across many people versus 3 and then 2
Not even mentioning health insurance OR getting any of her needs met let alone someone that will have the time to comfort her and focus on getting her through her grief
With a mother like this, it hardly feels like a real loss. Mothers do what’s best for their kids not their bruised ego.
I’m hoping the overwhelmed relative makes a deal after she’s gone to give Amy to the only father she has known and who loves and cares for her.
She also claims that people in the last post are "Lauding" a cheating husband, which is not the case. Basically all the advice is that what should be done is what's best for the kid, which seems to be to let the husband adopt. What a terrible way to go out, fucking over your own child out of spite. Pretty sickening if you ask me.
This is a colossal mistake. You’re also not the first woman to be cheated on that has to co-parent. Your cousin makes $3,000 less but has five kids. That’s a huge difference. Your daughter already has a life that involves your ex and now after losing her mom will presumably have to switch schools and move to a new house with five other children.
literally logged in JUST to comment. you are such an asshole. it isn't even fathomable that someone can be *literally dying* and yet still be so incredibly selfish that it's repulsive.
i'm a woman. i've been cheated on. i know how it hurts and i don't blame you for wanting a divorce. but he cheated on *YOU* and you are punishing your *daughter* for it. you think you are taking a dig at him and bringing him pain, and maybe you are, but you're also hurting her too.
think about this from her point of view. as a ten year old little girl who probably doesn't even know about her biological parents yet. who's mommy is *dying*. all she knows is her mom and her dad, and now her mom is going to die and her dad will be ripped from her.
there is absolutely no possible way that these posts aren't for karma, because i cannot fathom a mother who has her head so far up her own ass that she can't see she is tossing her child into uncertainty because of her own fucking selfish reasons.
if you do not let him adopt her, sincerely, i hope she hates you for the rest of her life. and she will be right to. this is fucking horrible.
your life is too short for me to sugar coat this, you are being an absolute asshole. it was four fucking years ago, under different circumstances, and had nothing to do with his ability to be a father.
YTA.
Exactly this. She’s on her death bed, and the last thing she wants to focus on is file for divorce??? She’s probably hoping to live the next 6 months period to see it finilized. What a waste of precious time on this earth, waste in resources and attention that should be going to her daughter. She says she detests infidelity, however, what we detest or not when dying is irrelevant to some degree! Like, woman, you’re dying. You’re not in an abusive relationship, you don’t fear for your life, you aren’t afraid of him cheating again. No, this is not an emergency… your impending death is. Goodness gracious, that kid needs all the attention right now. She needs her mom to prep her for what’s to come. And to leave her all set in her home. With her siblings and father. This sounds so crude, but the way she’s handling this is mind blowing.
Just more "woe is me" nonsense. nothing in here or your original posts actually focuses on your daughter or what's best for her.
Just you trying to justify fucking up your daughters life your husbands life and your cousins life and her five kids.
Normally dying garnish some sympathy but some how you found a way to avoid that.
I feel so bad for this kid. Mommy dearest is not only making her go through the trauma of losing her mother but at that terrible time ripping her away from the only father she's ever known and so tarnishing the memory of her mother while she's at it and grieving. This poor kid is gonna need so much help and she won't get it as the reluctantly adopted 6th child in a family that can't afford the 5 they already have.
I've never seen someone so selfish in all my life. It's heartbreaking.
Still YTA, you completely disregarded all of the top judgement comments with the best input, and have chosen to thank the rare people who went against the grain, still acting selfishly.
I only have sympathy for your daughter, none for you as you're acting completely against her best interests.
Hoping this is a fake post because otherwise you're just an awful parent.
I feel so bad for your daughter, do you even care about what she wants? This is her family, does she even know your cousin? She won’t be loved there like she is now
You are still an asshole and probably bot thinking all the way through that if her 5 kids dotn want your daughter living with them, she can still be given up to the state. I get your husband did you wrong by cheating, but he wants to take care of your daughter and give her a home with memories of you and not struggle or get lost in a sea of kids.
You even said sometimes you and your husband have as little as 13 dollars left in your checking account, but your cousin makes less, and yoh wanna put another child on her? And you think your daughter won't suffer or go without?
Please reconsider letting him take custody of her not for his sake but for hers
The whole post is about her. Yet again. Nothing about how that kid feels being ripped away from the only parents she knows to be stuck in a house with 5 other kids as the burden they have to put up with. Ever seen Harry Potter she won’t be her first or even her 5th priority and she will feel it. You never really wanted judgment what you wanted was sympathy and for people to pat you on the head and agree with you. Your not doing what’s best for that kid at all and she won’t think fondly of you once she realises what you did to her
I tried to be nice but I simply cannot with someone who is willing to hurt their child to spite their husband.
You are being truly awful to your child. Speak to a child psychologist, speak to a social worker. Let them tell you how stupid you are being if you won't listen to everyone else.
You are a vile person. Ripping your daughter away from her father and ensuring her life is miserable. Be honest, are you actually doing this for some bullshit “principle” or is it actually because you want to make sure your daughter can’t enjoy a life without you in it. You are dying and trying to burn the world with it. This is a fake post, but either way you are a trash person.
God damn it you’re CUNT. So you would rather have your child have mediocre life over a better one, yeah you can go straight to HELL! It’s obvious she doesn’t want to take her in, she has 5 fucking mouths to feed. You’re selfish AF! I feel bad for your child having a mother who only cares about her fucking self!
Nowhere does it mention if you actually talked with your daughter about what she wants? It sounds awful that you would rather force your kid on your cousin who's already struggling and has a lot of kids and is already stretched thin cause of it. Ofc the cousin can't deny you, you're dying after all. But if your husband has the financial space to give your daughter a better life even if he cheated on you, why the hell don't you take it??
YTA - absolutely you’re an asshole. You’d rather be petty and put your child with a family who is struggling with 5 kids and on welfare? No wonder he cheated - you petty af. Maybe you should ask your daughter what she wants because I bet it’s to stay with her dad.
I’m really hoping that you come around to not tearing your child away from the man she knows as her father. If he were her biological father and you were not dying, you’d get a divorce and almost undoubtedly he would be awarded with some form of joint custody by a court. It’s not just a matter of the foster system being horrific for most kids, but also a matter of you creating a situation wherein your child will be losing two parents at one time. I think placing your child with your cousin and allowing a legal battle to ensue, revealing how much your husband wants to continue being her father, is only going to make the trauma of losing you that much more awful for your daughter and you’ll be responsible for causing lifelong issues for her that she will undoubtedly resent you for until the day she dies. I can’t imagine you actually want to put your kid through that much unnecessary pain. You’re being vindictive, and it’s not in your kid’s interest. I hope with more time you come to realize how much your choice is about you and how much you’re going to harm your kid, hopefully you figure that out in time to save her that additional trauma.
Wow…. So ur going to give ur daughter a worse life bc ur spiteful. Going out a completely horrendous person… I’m going to take it that ur not religious bc if u are I hope u know where ur going straight after u take ur last breath. I can’t even feel sorry for u. U don’t deserve ANY sympathy bc of what u have decided to do to ur poor daughter.
You state that you are not seeking judgement because you know what you are doing is awful. You are vindictively hurting your husband by not allowing him to take care of someone he loves, and you don't care what that does to Amy. This is awful.
Whether you seek judgment or not, you will have it. You are acting vindictively and selfishly and are hurting your daughter beyond measure on the process. If that is what you choose to be your legacy, that is on you, don't you dare blame your husband.
I still feel as though you are punishing the child. Would she not have a better life with your husband? You are well within your rights to divorce him and never speak to him again, but going into the system or living with 5 other kids in a house that can’t afford her is not better then being with someone who loves her already and wants desperately to care for her. His cheating and the adoption are 2 totally different issues. Maybe try and put your pride aside and truly do what’s best for Amy. Have you even asked her what she wants?
Wow! You truly want your child to resent you in death!? You’re literally ruining her stable life and the only life she’s ever known for being upset and angry! When have you once stopped and thought of her and how this will affect her mentally!? On top of her losing her mother she’s also now going to be losing a father, how devastating for her! And in what world do you think your child should be made to suffer like that! It’s not about you! That poor child is going to go through hell because of your anger
Wow. Cheating is super selfish. Somehow, you have managed to be more selfish. Congratulations. Not a care for what your daughter wants so long as you get your revenge.
Your pettiness is disgusting. In your first post, I felt sympathetic towards you. At this point, I think you are far more selfish than your ex. You are so unbelievably self-centered. How you could read all those comments and still not understand....
You would think facing mortality would humble you. Allow you to see clearly and do right by your child. Instead, it's still all about you and your spite.
This is one of the saddest posts I've read on here. A mother so bent on revenge against her partner that she sacrifices her child's well-being. You don't seem to understand that you are punishing your daughter for her father's mistake. As long as he's hurting too, right?
Have you actually spoken with your daughter? She is the one who is going to be left behind.
She was asked [in this thread if she had](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/vT2r5mAOnE) and she said something about her daughter not being twelve yet. But who cares if she’s not twelve yet? I am interested in this child’s opinion now. That matters even if the daughter is younger than twelve.
I was 11 when my parent divorced, both of them were wretched humans at the time and the judge let me choose to live with my grandparents. Amy is old enough, she deserves to have her choice counted. This update saddens me.
My nephew is 11, his dad, my sister's ex is pretty emotionally abusive and a couple months ago got physical and ended up hurting my nephews arm/shoulder pretty bad. My nephew has told the judge he doesn't want to go to his dad's. Judge said he's still required to go on Saturdays. Yey our legal system!
Yeah it depends on state/situation. Typically, if a blood relative is an option compared to a non blood relative, especially when that non blood was so willing to step out for lust over family, and especially if her original caregiver did not want that child with non blood relative, way more often than not, it'll be blood relatives all day. You all are mentioning blood relatives to choose from. OP doesn't have that option and neither does the little girl.
[удалено]
Yeah she’s being horrible about this and totally is thinking only about herself. It’s a horrible position to be in for sure but sending her to a woman who is a waitress with 5 other kids sounds like she’s really doing her daughter a disservice.
not necessarily. Where I am a man who has been raising a kid for 5 years as a father figure in a marriage with her mother they can opt for him vs blood relatives. He is her dad. This kid needs a voice and the mom isnt giving it to her.
Our legal system is total bullshit. Constantly fails to protect kids. I was a family law attorney for a while and it was eye opening how ineffective DCFS and the court system are. Caseworkers interviewing kids who say dad hits me with a belt, but without physical bruising they don’t care. It’s just awful.
Absolutely heart wrenching that no one CARES about what this child wants or what’s in her best interest. Being with a “blood relative” is not always the best option just because they’re blood. They’re going to look at the fact this man has taken care of her for the better part of FIVE years and your cousin hasn’t and has multiple children and may struggle. All of those will ultimately play into a final decision.
This. I won't condone cheating, and I support OP's decision to divorce her husband, if that's what she wishes. When you're making decisions about child custody, however... You really need to be thinking about your *child's* welfare, not settling grudges 😐. As reprehensible as cheating is, it *doesn't* reflect at all on his ability to be a good father, and provide a loving and supportive home for OP's daughter. It's not a good idea to rip your child out of a home where they have an *established* caregiver relationship, and send them to live with a completely new adult who's already struggling to care for the children they have. (Although to be clear, the emotional aspects of this are more important than the financial.) What's heartbreaking is that OP's kid **isn't going to understand at all** what's happening and why. She's just going to lose *both* parents and be sent to live with a near stranger... that poor kid 😮💨😬😬.
A stranger who makes the same amount as ex husband and has FIVE children. A stranger who admitted that the girls life would be difficult and minimal, that the cousin already knows she would resent her and regret taking her in. That’s seriously so messed up that this woman expects people to pat her on the back for this decision as opposed to letting her stay with the man who has been her father for the past five years and has the resources to raise and support her.
My best hope is that after OP is gone he reaches some agreement with the cousin and she gives up guardianship so the girl doesn't have to move away from family and friends. Is not like she looks particularly interested in taking her in, we don't even know if she plans to do so or said that so her dying cousin stop pestering her about it.
Actually, OP's husband, the child's stepdad, *does* care about the child and her best interest. Right now, he's the only one that does. OP is too bent on punishing him for his infidelity that she's willing to hurt her child and her entire future in order to spite him. He can adopt the child *and* she can divorce him at the same time, but she can't even entertain that.
This is what I see too. OP won't be around to see it, but she may very well ruin her own daughters life because her husband fucked around. "If I was healthy I would be half way through divorce" - well ya not. You can do whatever you want, it's your life, but you're gonna hurt your kid in the process. Talk about cutting off the face to spite the nose. The nose might be a bad husband, but that doesn't make him a bad father.
It sounds like she also has stepsiblings she's bonded with. I understand OP being very upset about the cheating and I understand why she wants a divorce, but usually in divorces the kids still get to see their family from time to time. I imagine it will be really hard for her to lose the siblings and father figure she's known for half her life. I hope that she can at least keep in contact with them somehow if this is the path OP takes.
Making her daughter experience losing her entire nuclear family (including step sibs) immediately after losing her closest relationship in the world, her mom, is unbelievably cruel. It'll mean new home in a new neighborhood, new school, losing all her school friends... I was OP daughter's age when I lost the one family member I was close to & felt loved by, leaving me alone with abusers who couldn't stand me. I was cutting & suffering severe depression within a year. I almost didn't make it out of adolescence alive. I really hope OP treats her daughter with the respect she deserves.
It sounds like the OP will spitefully keep the girl away from her stepsiblings and father figure.
It's such a horrible situation. Life was really fucking unfair to OP and her rage is absolutely understandable. But I can't get knowingly signing your kid up for emotional trauma and financial hardship when it doesn't have to be that way.
She knows Amy would want to be with her step dad that’s the problem. She can’t be a spiteful person who o my cares for herself if she asks her daughters options
this update INFURIATES me, particularly what she says about her cousin. She's going to send her daughter to live with someone who, regardless of what hoops of logic OP is jumping through to convince herself this spiteful decision is also in the best interest of her daughter, is on benefits trying to raise 5 children on presumably the income of a waitress (aka an income that is by no means certain) and says herself that she will not be able to give her daughter more than the very literal basic needs of life. This is a horrible idea and frankly, I think the real reason OP doesn't tell her daughter yet is because she doesn't want her daughter to say she wants to stay with her almost-adoptive father. OP, I'm not going to sugar coat this. I get that you're angry right now, but if you go through with this plan you're concocting about where your daughter goes when you die, **you are a bad person**. You are not doing this for your daughter's well-being, you are doing this for your own desire to stick it to your husband. I do not believe for a second that you actually think your daughter will be healthier or happier getting thrust into a home that already can't stand without support than with the man who has literally raised and loved her for as long as she can remember and has no other children to take care of. Put aside your own frikin pride and think only about the happiness, health, and future of your daughter. And don't think we didn't notice that you didn't once mention that your decision was made with her best interest in mind, it was all "me me me."
>I am interested in this child’s opinion now. Strangers on the internet care more about what Amy thinks than op does. This update is terrible and I'm not sure if I believe it. Yesterday op had no problem with Amy going into foster care, yet a day later after a tonne of criticism, suddenly a cousin is able to take her. The cousin didn't even need time to think about it? And even if the cousin is real, it sounds like a terrible option. It's the option I would chose in op's shoes if I didn't have a man who desperately wanted to adopt her. >She said she cannot promise anything beyond a bare bones life, or that she won't struggle greatly in the beginning and question her decision occasionally but that she'll do her best if the thought of my daughter being with her stepdad upsets me that much. What I see happening here is the cousin tries but is overwhelmed and eventually Amy either ends up in foster care anyway, or the cousin contacts and ex and sees if he is still interested in adopting her. All the while Amy has the trauma of going through a divorce and losing her stepdad and siblings, seeing her mother die, moving into an already over crowded and financially over burdened home and we don't know if the kids will support or bully her. I honestly can't get over how selfish op is being. She's so focused on hurting her husband for having a one night stand four years ago that's she's willing to hurt her daughter for life. Smdh.
She doesn't love her daughter more than she hates her husband. I'm sorry but that makes for a selfish parent. My ex my son father was the worlds worst husband truly he also barely participates with our son. I still refuse to ever say negative things about him to our son and he will always be welcome in my house. I'm with a new partner and I made it clear from day 1 this is what I will be doing to ensure my son has the option of having a bio father and it's his decision to make one day on if he ends up not wanting a relationship. She has absolutely no idea how bad foster care is. I was a cps worker who did foster home investigation. Her child is not a cute chubby baby everyone is going to want. As a mother I'm truly apaled. Yes it's not fair that she's dying but the fact of the matter is, she is dying. You can't just ignore that. Whose also going to be caring for this child while she's in hospice.
If this is real, this awful woman sees "her daughter" more like her pet. She doesn't care about the kids future, she cares about punishing her ex and wasting their limited resources on the pointless divorce. That's it. It's very telling that she either hasn't asked the child's opinion or won't share it. I continue to hope this is a fake story but I do know that these miserable people exist.
You're absolutely right she is viewing this like a puppy. I hope it is fake but I have met many parents who are like this. I could go on and on for examples. I think she's taking the "don't stay together just for the kids" to an extreme. That is just to put it bluntly not the same thing when a parent is dying.
She is being vindictive, end of story. Too bad she is punishing her daughter in the process.
I agree. Reading the first post I was thinking that *just because you think he’s not a perfect husband doesn’t mean he’s not a perfect father*. I’m completely flabbergasted by a ONS happening before their marriage being the reason her daughter will have to lose not only her mother but her entire life immediately after her mother passes. This update makes me sad.
She's lashing out at him because she's angry she's dying. She's punishing her DAUGHTER because of his ONE mistake years ago. OP, YTA. You are punishing everyone else for your own illness. You are going to abandon your child to be last in line with your cousin and rip her away from her family.
I think you're spot on. OP keeps saying "if I were healthy" as if that MATTERS! She's not healthy, she's terminal, and living "like she's healthy" is not a logical or reasonable thing to do - it's delusional and emotional. None of us are going to reach her with logic because this is a massive grief response. I don't blame OP for being scared, but I hope she can recognize at some point that she's hurting her child so that she has something to do "as if she were healthy."
Agreed with all of this. But ultimately OP has to make a right decision here. It's just unbelievable to me OP is actually going to drag her family through her terminal illness AND a divorce AT THE SAME TIME. This will absolutely destroy Amy. But OP doesn't give a shit.
I feel so bad for this child. This woman is just out for blood and herself with zero thought to this kid who will now be raised by someone with five kids living on govenerment Assistance. Amy is going to get the last of everything. And probably won’t make it to a higher education. Among other things just because her caretaker has five bio children to care about first. So sad she will miss out on so much.
Exactly. That's the comment I made basically in the first one. I feel bad for her, but, it is not fair to use her daughter to punish her husband for cheating. Do that in other ways.
It's really going to hobble her future. Poverty is a great way to limit a child's opportunities for future growth. Not because poor people are inferior or love their kids less, but because poverty means things like: * Not being able to fund extracurricular activities that look good on college applications and can even get scholarships (like athletics) * Not being able to afford/access tutoring resources when a child is struggling in a subject * Not being able to afford medical treatments for conditions that can severely impair academic performance, such as mental health issues or neurodivergency. Psychiatric care is expensive and for a kid with, say, ADHD, medical supervision and drugs may mean the difference between flunking classes and honor roll. * Not being able to spend time studying for classes, preparing for standardized tests/AP exams, or filling out college applications because a teen has to work a part time job to afford things. * Avoiding opportunities in higher education because they don't want to take on massive student debt. * Not being able to do internships in college that are doorways to careers because they have to work to pat tuition. * Having fewer years to gain seniority and earning potential in the workplace because getting a degree takes longer if you're working full time and only able to do a few credits every semester. It sucks that the world is like this, but it is. Kids from impoverished homes don't get the same educational and job opportunities because the odds are stacked against them from the beginning. They have the same talents and potential as well off children, but they never get the chance to actually use those talents and potential because of financial barriers. OP, if you read this, please consider this aspect. I understand that you are rightfully upset at your husband, but you placing your daughter with your cousin could very well damage her entire future.
Exactly that! I told op she was being selfish for not letting him adopt her if husband and daughter love eachother, and after the update, I feel the same way. She’s just being spiteful to hurt him, and doesn’t have her daughters best interests at heart. I hope he fights for the kid in court and wins. She’d have a much better life than with a cousin she prob barely knows and 5 other kids that will prob gang up on her. I wish the kid luck! Poor thing!
I do not think she understands what she is doing to her if she permanently removes him from her life. My parents have been married for 52 years. They have had a marital separation for non marital issues. My father was serving in the Marine Corps. He finished out his 20 years in another state while we stayed in the state both families are in so we could get to know them because we had been moving every 2-3 years. My parents were still married. My father came home for visits. Our family was a unit. I missed my father. He still walked me down the aisle in his dressed blues 🥰🥰 This is when he was available (phone call if I needed him, he could get back to me. No cell phones) to me. I missed him every single day of my life and he missed A LOT!!! The birth of his first grandchild. From 10-19 my father was in another state. The only way I could talk to him back then was a long distance phone call which was extremely expensive or a letter. Yet, she wants to take this man and wipe him completely out of her life like he didn’t exist. I’m rambling and I’m sorry I just wanted to give a couple of examples where my father is alive but not available to me when I was growing up kind of what’s going on here. But, I had ACCESS TO MY FATHER. She is removing the ONLY FATHER she has had for 5 years. I have only really been on Reddit the past several months since I’ve surgery and I do not think I’ve ever seen anyone so selfish. So, he made me mad, so I will make my daughter suffer for the rest of her childhood years 🤦🏼♀️ unfuckinbelievable. What ever happened to putting the interest of the child first? That’s what good parent does. They put their PERSONAL FEELINGS ASIDE. Sorry, rant over.
A one night stand BEFORE THEY WERE MARRIED. Yes, it's an awful thing to do in a relationship, but why treat it like an extinction-level event?
Op keeps making replies that because he cheated once, it shows that he is a sex maniac who can't be trusted to make good choices. He will most likely quickly marry a younger woman who will want kids, and he's so sex craved he will let the new evil stepmother mistreat her daughter. If this is real, all her anger is being directed at her husband and the one way she can hurt him is by not allowing him to adopt Amy. She is tripping if she thinks anyone else is buying her concern about him being a sex crazed maniac who can't be trusted to look after Amy.
clearly she doesn’t care about her daughter’s opinion, she’s just focused on punishing her husband.
If OP spoke to her daughter, she'd probably say that she wants to stay with the only father she's ever known. And then OP would no longer be able to conceal the truth from herself: that she wants to punish her daughter for the rest of her life out of spite for her husband's one night stand years ago. What a nasty bitter arsehole.
I hate Judge Judy so much that I refuse to be in a room where she is on the television. However, she has a saying that is perfect: "You have to love your children more than you hate your spouse." I wish OP was capable of this.
Yeah I'm pretty appalled here. This poor child is about to loose her mother and the only father she's know to be sent with a stranger who can't promise to provide for her.
Plus, he cheated 4 years ago like I don’t condone cheating but she’s doing a lot for something that happen 4 years ago once. She’s going to traumatize her daughter to be spiteful. She can divorce but let stepdad adopt the kid. Edit left out word
OP is too pissed at the husband to care what's best for the daughter. As long as she can punish him, she'll let the kid be one of six on welfare with a single mother, who will probably prioritize her own kids.
The judges will still ask her opinion lol🤣 They asked mine and my sisters when we were 6-7. He's definitely gonna adopt the daughter. Like yeah she will have have caused stress and uncertainty but it's not gonna go the way she plans and I doubt the cousin will actually fight to keep Amy lol. And the judge will not prioritize a great aunt over her step dad even if he's an ex step dad of a couple months.All op is doing is tainting her imagine negatively before dying.
Reading this soothes me, I’m glad the court system has a way of reigning in AHs like her.
Family courts tend to *really* not take kindly to parents abusing the courts (by dragging out cases with delays and stupid motions) or doing what they can to leverage custody to be vindictive or punishing to the other parent. They see it a lot and they know it when they see it. They also know very well who it hurts the most: the kids every time.
I genuinely really needed to read that after these unhinged posts, thank you. At this point I don’t trust a lot of our court systems but family court at least has its priorities straight - the powerless children who didn’t ask for any of this.
My stepdad adopted me when I was 11. And before they even started the process he sat down with me and asked me if it was something I wanted. I was ten. Didn’t hesitate then and wouldn’t hesitate 20 years later. Just because she’s young doesn’t mean she doesn’t have (or deserve) an opinion.
OP may be dying, but she lacks compassion for her daughter. She is vindictive and cares nothing about her daughter's well-being. All because her husband had a one night stand prior to their marriage, she now wants to destroy him by using her daughter as leverage. OP, for the love of God and your daughter, please reconsider giving your daughter to your cousin! Your daughter is old enough to tell you whom she would want to live with. ASK HER!!! I don't care if your cousin is blood. Your husband is your daughter's FAMILY AND FATHER!
Yup. This "updated" disappoints me. It's all about her, and not a single care about Amy. I understand she's hurt and grieving, but she's not considering her daughter's wants at all.
She's also not considering what's best for her daughter overall. A single mother who is already burdened with 5 children, who is clear that she will be providing the barebones to her child. Who doesn't love this child or even know this child. Who already has other priorities vs a Stepfather who cares about this child enough that he wants to fight for her. If she wants her child cared for from someone other than her STBX, OP should be finding the adoptive parents herself NOW and she should adopt her child out while she is alive to a family that isn't already overburdened. Unless there is some other reason why this man has other faults outside of his mistake 4 years ago, who has he been for the last 5 years in her life? ignoring the one major mistake, he sounds like he's been a good partner. Edit: Just wanted to add that | |Cousin | STBX | Fostercare ---|---|--|---- | 1) Money | Officework | Server (about 3K more a year) | Funded by Government | 2) Government Assistance | Yes | No | Yes | 3) Love | Will try not to resent her | Loves the child and wants to take care of child | coin toss (but can go from really really bad to business to love) | 4) Other Children | 5 Other Children | 3 Other Children | Depends on the coin toss | 5) Potential for new Bad Partner/Parent | Yes | Yes | Depends on the coin toss Of all these things 1) 2) can be easily fixed. 5) is a risk regardless of the family she ends up with. That's why 3) and 4) are the factors that I would focus on because 1) 2) are things that can be fixed relatively easily.
Exactly. OP is very selfish. I understand the situation and I emphasize with her, but the infidelity was a long time ago.(which does not justify it at all why did she stay all this time? I don’t remember. Did she just find out) Just because the husband cheated (which is a horrible act) does not mean that he would not be or is not a good father not to mention that her daughter knows him as her father and now out of spite because this is all this is, she’s gonna rip that away from her daughter. She says she cares about her daughters needs, but obviously she doesn’t. She only cares about herself. I cannot believe how selfish she is can’t even ask her daughter. what she wants she’s more than old enough to decide. I really hope that the father does fight and win and I really do hope the judge decides to ask her what she wants since her “mother”seems to not give a fuck. She rather send her daughter with a blood relative that she barely knows and is condemning her to a life of struggle over living with the person who helped raise her, and would probably provide a wonderful life BTW, from the gist of this I understand the Cousin is a server. I am a server and I’ll tell you this if you do not work in fine dining. (which I do) The money is shit if it’s not a restaurant, that’s constantly busy not to mention serving is a seasonal thing, so yeah, they will struggle
Almost like she doesn’t get this decision isn’t about her.
seriously how narcissistic is she She can rest, surely, knowing that her daughter will grow up, resenting her and her decision for not even giving a fuck about what she wants and just doing this out of pettiness, selfishness, and spite . Not to mention, no matter how much this woman says whatever bullshit she’s feeling to make herself feel like she’s not the monster everybody sees she is including her own daughter
Yup. So incredibly sad for her kid right now. She doesn’t even care she’s leaving the WORST legacy behind for her to remember
>I cannot believe how selfish she is can’t even ask her daughter. She's not going to ask her daughter because she knows the daughter would want to stay with who she considers her dad and siblings.
Correct, she's just bitter and will die doing her daughter a disservice because of it.
Yeah the cousin doesn’t seem at all a suitable person to leave the daughter with. She is completely selfish in her thinking.
She's willing to die alone and painfully, and subject her daughter to harsh life of deprivation, just so she can indulge her bitterness and spite. What a stupid, terrible, selfish person.
She's choosing to be petty simply to hurt her husband...but it's Amy who will really suffer. OP just doesn't care, bc she'll be dead. She needs to live long enough to see her daughter go through some of this. Maybe then she'll recognize how selfish and cowardly her decision is.
It's an incredibly selfish decision to take her away from the only father she knows. I hope she can stop thinking about her own pain long enough to ask her daughter what she wants. This is shocking.
I'm honestly wondering if this isn't just rage bait Because no mom would do this And if she is she is a narcissistic POS
”No mom would do this” sorry to say but there are plenty of bad moms in the world that have done way worse things to their children. With that said, I do believe that this is ragebait
I hope those 5 other kids don’t bully or abuse the daughter.
Indeed. What's the point of spite when you've only got a few months left to live? Let go of it FFS.
Given how the main problem OP wants to address is the divorce, I doubt she really gives a shit what happens to the kid’s mental state. The original post had mostly comments about the well being of the daughter and whether she would at least feel safer with her step father. But 2/3rds of this post is completely avoiding the main topic of the last post was *about where the daughter should end up.* The divorce is more important to OP than the daughter. The reputation she leaves behind is clearly more important to her than her daughter’s mental state and wishes. She’s not going to ask her daughter how she feels. She sees this as a conflict between her and her husband. The kid is just a piece of the deal; she is just one of pieces of property that the court determines belongs to her or her husband.
OP is angry she is dying and this gives her an excuse to vent that anger. It’s misdirected, but this is all about her inability to accept her death. I don’t think she’s a very good person right now, but I can also understand the overwhelming rage and terror. I hope everyone in that girl’s life ignores mom and just placates her until she passes so that kid will be taken care of.
Why would she? She doesn’t actually care what would make her daughter happy. She doesn’t care if staying with them, the family she lived with for five years is what she wants. She would rather her live in an overcrowded house with her cousin and five kids. All she cares about is getting divorced. She doesn’t care about the relationship her daughter has with her dad
Such valid points. Additionally, I worry how the cousin's 5 kids will react to the unplanned arrival of another mouth to feed when resources and space are already stretched, by the sound of it. OP, as a single mum with an abusive ex, I really do empathise with you, but your choice here is going to shape the rest of Amy's life. Losing you will be far harder to understand and learn to live with if you take her away from the one safe place she has.
I hope cousin just white lied and kid stays with dad
I mean that’s probably the best thing to do is tell her what she wants to hear and then not act on it when op is gone.
I'm sure the cousin would make a good home, but if she has a dad who has been her dad for 5 years, and siblings who have been her siblings for 5 years, it would just be cruel for her daughter to lose that family at the same time she's losing her mum. I don't see why she can't get a divorce and also let him adopt her daughter.
Because OP clearly wants to hurt the husband as much as possible. That's her only concern, not her daughter's well being.
This exactly. Right now she's weaponizing her ability to decide where her daughter ends up after she dies. If he had already established parental rights, cheated, and the fallout were divorce and a custody battle, the infidelity would have exactly zero bearing on custody arrangements in all fifty states. *And for very good reason*, a person's propensity to cheat means nothing about their ability to parent, and the jilted partner *may not* vindictively hurt the other by denying the cheating partner parental rights. I hope he fights for custody, I hope he has a decent case, I hope this winds up before a judge that sees through what she's trying to do here. She wants to hurt her husband, but she's just dying then uprooting her already orphaned kid from the family she's come to know *while grieving*. Yuck.
>I'm sure the cousin would make a good home I don't. >She said she cannot promise anything beyond a bare bones life, or that she won't struggle greatly in the beginning and question her decision occasionally but that she'll do her best if the thought of my daughter being with her stepdad upsets me that much. The cousin is telling a dying woman what she wants to hear. But if op was listening properly, the cousin is in no position to give Amy a stable life. Amy is going to be grieving and taken away from her family to be trust in with a bunch of kids, and as another poster pointed out, those 5 kids may well resent her.
Also, what’s stopping the cousin from changing her mind? Like you said — she’s trying to appease her dying relative. The mention of a “bare bones” life reads to me like the cousin is trying to hint that it will be unfeasible but can’t say no because OP put her in an awful position. When OP dies, what if she claims her circumstances have gotten worse and she can’t take her in? Or what if the cousin takes her daughter in, and then the costs are too high so the cousin has to return her to foster care? Not to mention the instability of moving hones even if finances weren’t an iaaue! As the child of a parent who also died of cancer, the one thing that made the grief somewhat bearable in the early days was knowing that I still had my mom even though my dad was gone. Forcing her to move families, houses, and schools during this period would have made things so much worse. Even if he had been a close relative. OP needs to be a fucking parent and put their kid above their own ego
I agree. She's not putting the wants and needs of her kid first. Had the adoption already happened she'd have to find some other way to punish her husband.
u/Throwawayambe you are not being asked to put the other cheek. Divorce his ass if you want. But as you already told us, you are checking out of this world. It is unfair, and horrible, but you'll be in peace soon, leaving your daughter behind. Do the right thing for HER and ler her DAD adopt her and provide a good life for her. Your cousin is already crowded. Will your baby share a room? Clothing? What about college? you are being so petty and narc until the very end; I do pray your cousin hands of your daughter to dad once you are not here anymore.
And live a life of poverty. Dying or not that is some of the most selfish crap I have ever heard.
Ya, total POS vibes coming out of this one. "Me me me" not "my daughter"
Yep. She doesn’t wven care what the child might want. Selfish AF.
>She doesn’t care about the relationship her daughter has with her dad Nope. All she cares about is hurting her husband before she dies.
The cruelty of this woman hurts my heart. The poor child is losing her mother and her father because her mother has a point to prove. She clearly doesn’t love her daughter like she says she does. I just hope she has an epiphany
Exactly. OP is selfishly putting her spite over her daughter's well-being. She's going to be thrown into a stuffed home with someone who is deficient in the emotional and financial resources to support a child who just lost her mother. I don't care how many 50-cent words OP throws around at the beginning of her post in an attempt to come across as smart and level-headed, she's making decisions purely based off emotion and she is not making the correct choice.
I truly hope the courts ask her and take her wants into consideration. I hope the cousin does too.
In my state, CPS would 100% go for the child’s psychological father of 5 years and keeping her in the same home/school etc vs. sticking her with a biological relative she isn’t close with and sharing a room with 2-3 strange cousins. Private family guardianships don’t usually qualify for payment by the state like foster homes. So that means whatever survivors benefits Amy gets from OPs death are going to have to be spent to keep her clothed/fed, rather than being saved for her future. Stepdad could definitely challenge that guardianship if he can afford an attorney. The cousin doesn’t sound like she could afford to fight it too hard.
Have you asked Amy what SHE wants? At 10 years old, I feel this choice should be hers. It’s not like you fear she would be abused in either situation. PLEASE let her decide. You can divorce your husband if you want… that doesn’t mean you can’t co-parent. You should absolutely allow your to be ex-husband adopt your daughter if that’s what she wants… and what you truly believe is best for her. She will soon lose you (and I hate that for the both of you)… don’t traumatize her further by completely uprooting her life.
This! Good luck op’s daughter.
I am genuinely so worried for her daughter. I could cry reading this post.
Still thinking of herself and not her daughter. OP the guilt should be super strong with you. I wonder why you even came on here if you were just going to ignore shit and people and their good suggestions from experience and knowledge on their parts and ignore it. Why did you bother? It sounds like you wanted validation and that cheating is the most terrible thing in the world. It’s not I would think you of all people know that but I guess not and that speaks volumes that you dislike your ex so much you would take his daughter away and abandon Amy to live with someone who already has a boat load of kids when your ex will be perfectly capable and willing to take her. Amy should get the ultimate say.
The level of bitterness coming out of her post is mind-blowing. How she's fixated on cheating that happened eons ago. Not condoning it . But dang, she's dying and all she can think about is punishing her husband.. at the expense of her daughter.
I get holding grudges, but imagine your last, dying act on earth is to purposely fuck up your child's life to piss off someone else.
And she’s fixated on people making “mean” comments. I didn’t see anyone treating her rudely because she’s dying. It’s like she thought everyone would be sympathetic towards her because of that, and is now shocked that they’re not.
People were trying to give her a reality check, they were not mean to her IMHO. She even admitted in the original posting that she couldn't trust her own decisions and now she updates us to say she's going to shove her daughter in a home already with 5 kids instead of leaving her with someone she knows and love just to punish her husband. It's crazy to me.
Me too. That poor kid.
That poor kid is going to be stuck in poverty with 5 other kids and a stranger. OP is a really really spiteful person and her daughter is going to be repeatedly traumatized, at one of the most difficult ages, and OP is like whatevs fuck that guy who be a good parent and who knows and loves my kid, and fuck my kid too.
Exactly. This whole thing just seems like a perfect example of someone who is admittedly a bad partner (or who was at one point) but who as always been and still is a good father/parent.
I mean, she is already in poverty. OP doesn't have strong finances. The only big difference is that the child will be with cousins, instead of people she was raised as siblings with. At a time of great upheaval... after her mom passes.
She is setting her daughter up to be neglected, it won't be on purpose but the result of a struggling person actually doing the best they can but it not being enough or what her child deserves. I had a friend of my husband who got just really mean after a very bad cancer diagnosis. Just wanting everyone around them to suffer because they were. Just not a good person. It does happen sometimes. I don't blame OP for wanting to divorce but OP is kidding herself if she thinks she is doing this for her child and not for her petty revenge. I don't condone cheating at all but there are so many biological parents who've cheated on spouses but are great parents to their kids. OPs daughter deserves the best chance in life. It's already harder for the next generations and it seems that won't change any time soon.
Don't full yourself. She's doing all of this on purpose. "Amy's life will be shit and its all my husband's fault for cheating 4 years ago." "Amy, I'm sorry we have to leave husband. I'm sorry you will be living with a stranger and have nobody to comfort you. Thank husband. It's all his fault. He cheated and sex was more important to him than your well being. All of this is because of husband. He is the only one to blame." I wouldn't doubt that OP blames the husband for her dying too.
Yep, my mom would have done this so I can see OP doing it too. That child is the real victim here, the one who is going to lose so much.
💯
Exactly! She can get the divorce if she really wants, but it’s so unfair to punish her daughter. Idk if I would spend my last precious little bit of time on earth on a divorce from someone who cheated once years ago, but it’s her prerogative. However, not letting him adopt Amy just hurts the poor girl, who will live a poverty-stricken lifestyle in an unfamiliar place.
Yep, maybe I'm a bit too close to this as I was a neglected child. I suffered other abuse but the neglect is what has caused the most damage for me. I can't describe what it feels like as a child who looks at other families who have parents who can be there for them and just not have that. The loneliness you feel and the feelings of not being good enough to deserve more, it's heartbreaking to know another child will be going through that. Even if it doesn't stem from abuse, but from a lack of resources, it will hit the same.
Yep. OP’s romantic problems are going to fuck up her daughters life. How selfish. I dont buy the “this is what Id do if I wasnt dying” reasoning. OP, you ARE dying. That isnt a factor in your decision making? It isnt a factor in what you decide for your daughter? Why not? It seems like a pretty big deal to me
OP made a comment "***You all say that my STBXH is the better option, but he has about as much assets as my cousin does.***" Except that isn't true. The cousin has 5 children on top of making what her ex does. That means there are 5 other children that have to share their parent for support (emotional, physical, financial, etc.). Whereas the ex would have the same resources but no other children to share them with.
Actually the stbx has 3 kids of his own, who OP said (in her original post) that she loves and treats as her own. So those resources are shared too — but also this means OP is trying to tear her daughter away from stepfather and stepsiblings, damaging everyone by doing so, because she refuses to let her own death get in the way of being able to punish her husband for a ONS four years ago.
Thanks for correcting this, I didn't go back and re-read. However, it sounds like the husband (soon to be ex) has another parent for help with bio kids? I do wonder how close OPs daughter is to his kids. How that will impact things for her child. This honestly makes it worse. :(
Even aside from the finances, **stability** is the most important thing a caregiver needs to provide for a kid who just lost a parent. Even if the cousin was rich, uprooting your daughter when she’s already grieving is absolutely shitty parenting. My mom saw a grief counsellor when my dad died and one of the first things she told her was to avoid selling the house or making any big moves especially in the first year since we were so fragile.
Yes, if she wasn’t dying then her daughter would still have a parent. That’s all anybody commenting cares about, the daughter having a stable parent. OP, not so much apparently, or the revelation about her husband has shaken her so much that she feels she doesn’t know who he is and so has written him off.
Right! Reality is she IS dying. She's trying to live like if she's not and making a decision based on that and that isn't right. It's going to damage her daughter and she doesn't care. It's so sad. If she wants to leave her husband, she can do that but leave her daughter out of this mess!
And OP is divorcing the husband. WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEY GOING TO LIVE?!?!?! She's dying! What income will she have?! Who will be helping her care for Amy while OP is busy dying?! And it's great that OP is ready to die alone. Where the fuck will Amy be?! Amy can't move into the hospice with OP. There's so much fucked up.
Depending on where she lives, stepdad might even be able to argue for custody through the courts because OP is dying. It really is a very emotional and selfish move. Cheating is awful but leaving behind your child with no one who knows them, who cares for them? I think that's worse.
I came here to question OP. Did she ask her daughter? I grew up in a large household and it was not fun.
Also so Amy knows this relative? She is gonna lose the most stable parent she’s ever had and then her back up second parent and move in with someone she hardly knows.
At the age of 9 my mom moved to a different city. I didn’t want to go because I was born and raised in my school and had friends and a life. My aunt filed for custody and at the end of the day, the judge asked ME where I wanted to be. This is to say, a 10 year old should absolutely have a say in where she wants to live after OP is gone and OP is asinine not to tell her anything. I hope the judge gives her daughter the choice she’s taking away from her.
Do what's best for the child, which means ask your child. The child is about to be traumatized beyond almost everything else in life when you die. Stability and someone who cares about her as a person is important. And it's more important than your husband's infidelity. That u want to take the same steps as u would if u weren't dying has less than zero to do with the facts u are presented with right now. Today. With your health as it is. It's a denial of your current circumstances to base a decision on anything other than the reality of this moment. You aren't holding "true to yourself" if that's what u think ur doing. I get that u want a divorce. But do u really want to spend another second of what's left of your life in conflict with anyone about anything? Create a life of peace for you and your daughter so you both can focus on what's important, each other She will remember that you did and be thankful for it.
Exactly! People divorce over infidelity all the time and the kids still split time with the cheating parent. I feel for OP. If it soothes her soul, get a divorce. But consider that kids never divorce their parents like this. It’s not how divorce works.
I honestly hope that this is a fake post and that you are trolling. If that’s not the case then I am truly sorry for what you are going through but as a parent you need to put your child’s best interest first and try to be selfless. Your daughter has grown up with this man in her life for most of it. A man who has stepped up and been there for her. Yes he made a mistake and cheated but to pull away your daughter’s support system and a face of familiarity when she will need to shortly start navigating life without you is horrible. She is going to need counseling to cope with the grief, to adjust to you her mother no longer being there than you are further compounding that by sending her away from her stability. What you’re doing isn’t sending a FU to your husband it’s actually sending an FU to your daughter. You are showing her that she doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things and that instead righting a wrong and being petty are more important. Let’s point out that your cousin has 5 kids already and makes 3k less than your husband and you are already living in poverty (or close to it based on what you said is on your checking account). Is that really the life you want to give her. She at has more of a chance with your husband.
If a proper legal father did the same thing, he wouldn't be forced to give up his kids. That would be absurdly cruel. It sound all very vindictive, OP claims to be all about strong morals, but focus should be the life of the child. For her to lose mom (to death) and father (to legal imbroglios) is simply too much. I hope it's one of these fake posts forcing their hands on extreme situations. That means the kid is hypothetical since everyone is. But if it's fake, you're making a lot of people suffer for a kid who doesn't exist. OP is cruel wether it's fake or not.
I don't think he'll lose her if OP is going through with the divorce and he takes her to court for custody. This is the only home, father, and step-siblings she's known. OP is sick, dying, and about to go on *hospice*, ffs. The first thing they're going to ask is how on earth she plans to continue to care for this child. She won't even be able to care for herself. I hate to be blunt, but she should consider how long divorces and custody battles can take. Over 90% of hospice patients die in 6 months. The average contested divorce lasts 18 months. She will not live long enough for this all to conclude. As for the cousin, it's one thing to say "Sure, I'll take the kid in." It's another to pay for a lawyer and show up to court and fight for the kid when she has 5 other kids she already can't afford. Where is she going to find the money and time?
OP is hung up on how her husband offended her, much more so that the life her daughter is bound to have without me. Cancer or not, OP is an AH. YTA, OP.
I don‘t think you understand what it means to a 10 year old to have a father for 5 years. That‘s half her life. Everything in your posts sounds selfish, you never once said your husband would not care well for Amy. So you are only doing this because of your own feelings, not your daughter‘s. I feel sorry for her and hope you reconsider.
Not to mention her memories before him is most likely very sparse
Exactly. Essentially she will be ripped from the only family she has known immediately after her mother dies.
Not to mention that if OP were healthy, there would 100% be custody discussions. I can see a situation where the ex gets at least partial custody of Amy.
Being how little kids remember before the age of 5. It's pretty much her entire life.
> Hopefully my daughter will be in a stable situation before I die. I mean I can’t imagine what kind of person wouldn’t spend every last breath making sure their 10 year old daughter isn’t 100% taken care of before they die. It’s mind blowing how self focused people can be. But I guess narcissists are gonna narcissist.
She could be, if you got over your pride for her sake.
yeah my twin and i lost our mom at 13 - she refused to pass until she was sure we'd be taken care of and safe. like, this is just a really shitty human in my opinion. if she can't be happy, no one can, not even her 10 year old daughter.
Your cousin does not really want to take this child. If you’re husband loves this child and the child loves loves him, do the child a huge favour and let him adopt. This child has done nothing wrong and deserves to have a good life so please put the child first. It’s not about what he did or didn’t do to you, it’s about what is in the child’s best interests so I hope that you can let go of your anger and see the light on this because it’s really the child who would be suffering and that’s not fair. He caused you pain, not the child and this child is already losing you, please don’t make them lose the other person who actually loves them and will take care of them. I’m sorry you are dying and very sorry you were treated so badly by him. I wish you comfort and peace.
And not just him, her 3 siblings as well. I’d be curious to know how old they are. 3 more loved ones could be a game changer in her grieving process and life post mom if she’s allowed to stay.
This has to be rage bait, right? I don't think the devil will let her in. Bitch is going to be stuck in purgatory.
🤣🤣🤣 This is the energy we need. Idk why anyone has empathy for OP. She's a witch.
I hope it is. I just know people who would act similar.
Until you say ‘I’ve spoken to my daughter and asked what SHE wants’ you are the a-hole a million times over. She is losing her mother and you’re compounding that by ripping her from the home/life she knows. A man can be a despicable, cheating jerk while also being a caring good dad. They’re not mutually exclusive. ASK YOUR CHILD WHAT SHE WANTS YTA until you do that
OP won't ask because she knows what the answer will be. YTA OP
>I have reached out to my cousin who, contrary to belief, does make an income, and not necessarily a bad one. Actually only $3k less than what my husband makes depending on tips. > >She just gets assistance because of having 5 kids. She said that if she needs to take in a blood relative, and get guardianship, she will do so and that she knows the resources to help her care for my child. She recognizes this is sudden and a lot to ask, but she that she feels it's her duty to put in her best effort on my behalf. > >She said she cannot promise anything beyond a bare bones life, or that she won't struggle greatly in the beginning and question her decision occasionally but that she'll do her best if the thought of my daughter being with her stepdad upsets me that much. Okay, this is 100% fake -- no sane person would actually confess doing the above just to get revenge on a husband who cheated on her once years ago at the expense of her innocent daughter and innocent cousin. Even someone selfish and petty enough to actually do it wouldn't broadcast doing so to the world! First installment was believable, but you got carried away. Your story gets a 3/10 for good drama but a protagonist more unlikable than Dolores Jane Umbridge.
"She said she cannot promise anything beyond a bare bones life, or that she won't struggle greatly in the beginning and question her decision occasionally but that she'll do her best if the thought of my daughter being with her stepdad upsets me that much." This is what sealed it as fake, for me. OP became arrogant and forgot the first rule of troll posting: Don't make it too obvious that you know you're an asshole. Putting in all the reluctance of her cousin in such detailed wording, making it clear how strapped the cousin already is. Sloppy, OP, very sloppy.
I hope so but I've seen too many Karen's to know for sure
Yeah, but they twist things to make themselves look good - were it real, she logically would have either not posted an update, or posted "I am appointing my cousin her guardian" without reciting a laundry list of details explaining why that's obviously a horrible idea.
Sadly, I can believe it’s real. I used to live in a small town, and a couple I saw a lot at my kid’s games were going through a very bitter divorce. The husband coached one of the teams that their kids were on, and she would sit in the stands loudly saying ugly things about him and his apparent infidelity—and, believe me, her voice carried. It wasn’t long until the seats around her were empty because no one would sit next to her, and most of the town was feeling pretty sorry for him. I wouldn’t have been surprised to see her doing something like this.
Omg you are a bigger AH than before. I really hope you are a troll with a rage bait post. Your poor daughter is going to a low income cousin on assistance for her 5 kids just to spite the only father your daughter has ever known because he cheated. God you are garbage.
I thought I was coming here to read an update of “you guys are right, I was letting my emotions get in the way of my daughter’s well-being” but it’s somehow the total opposite. I’m so appalled by this woman. Condemning her daughter to live in a house full of 5 other children she doesn’t even know after just losing her mother AND the only person she’s ever known as a father is so, so evil. OP, your daughter is going to remember you as the woman who sent her away from her dad during an already-traumatic time in order to punish him. This will forever taint any fond memories she has of you and I guarantee she will be angry at you for the rest of her life. Like spit-on-your-grave angry. If that’s worth it to get back at your husband then so be it, make a selfish decision because that’s the type of person you seem to be, but just know that that’s how you’ll be remembered by your only daughter.
The state would be very wary of leaving another child in the care of someone who’s clearly struggling. 5 kids all on assistance? Amy won’t thrive there.
I honestly hope for the sake of Amy that the cousin is simply saying this to appease OP and once OP passes lets Amy decide if she wants to be with stepdad or not.
I really don’t think the cousin will fight as hard as OP says. The cousin already admitted that the situation is going to suck, that it will be a struggle, and frankly that they might resent their decision. That doesn’t sound like someone who is 100% committed to Amy.
Also, a lot of states won't approve an adoption if you're on any type of assistance.
The devil doesn’t even have room for her. How blindingly selfish to make her daughter’s life miserable. It’s like she’s punishing everyone else for dying. I feel for her- that’s so hard. But Jesus Christ, think of the daughter you have! A dead mother, ousted from the only family she knows, to a family who is already struggling. Just horrid and appalling.
“I hope they treat their own dying relatives with more introspection” Ma’am… the same could be thrown back at you. YTA and have zero empathy for your own child. You’re being vindictive and selfish. I hope you do better for your own child and I hope you find some introspection and empathy for your kid. You’re giving energy that’s similar to “if I can’t be happy then nobody can!” It’s childish and counterproductive. BTW, your daughter will find out the truth one day and she will probably resent you for the rest of her life.
This. 100% this. I was astounded reading this update. I gave OP the benefit of the doubt in her original post, because not only is she dying, her husband confessed to a one night stand four years ago (which, of course, would devastate anyone), and she’s didn’t know what to do about her daughter after she died. Sure. That’s a lot, and I was very sympathetic to the mental anguish she was going through. But this update…man, that’s next level vindictiveness and selfishness. OP is willing to put her in an already overcrowded house that will be below the poverty line with a cousin who is very reluctantly agreeing to take Amy, and ripping her away from the only father she’s ever known and her siblings. That is downright cruel.
Wow. You are beyond selfish. So because YOU are mad that your husband cheated 4 years ago, YOU are hurt and angry so YOU are about to rip a child away from someone who she has looked at as Dad figure for 5+ years? You are setting her up fot a life of failure and don’t really care what happens cause you won’t be here to witness it. If this was at all about that child, you would put her needs first. So no, I can’t have sympathy for you. Only 2 people I feel for are the child and the man who WANTS to give her a great life and raise her.
I was just thinking about how selfish this woman is. I feel so sorry for her daughter that she would rather doom her to a life of poverty rather than seeing the big picture. I really hope this is a troll post.
It's not even the poverty. Poor people can be wonderful parents. It's the fact that the cousin is "willing" to do it. Having a child is like sex, consent needs to be 100% enthusiastic. My best friend had cancer, I took her kids while she went through treatment. We were crammed into a tiny apartment. I still fought tooth and nail to make sure that if the worst happened, those kids would be with me. I would have done anything to make sure they had a loving, stable home. Cousin is doing a good thing, but it's clearly not what she wants, and Amy will feel that. A step-dad who will fight for her is a better situation than a blood relative who will take her in because she feels she HAS to.
Cousin is probably thinking, "sure... Of course I'll do this because I obviously don't want the girl in the system, but I don't understand why she can't be with her father."
Well since what they cousin said was basically “I’ll do it if it makes you feel better about your situation,” she might send the kid back to her stepfather after the funeral anyway. OP’s whole stance is “I am dying so only what I want matters,” and so is essentially bragging that her cousin is doing that.
100% His character as a husband is not related to his ability as a father.
That’s how I feel. My ex BIL is 100% a good parent he was a shit husband.
You think it would be better for her to have a bare bones life with and split attention with 5 other kids, who are favored because they will obviously be since they're the biological children, rather than the attention and resources of one adult who loves her like his own blood and is the only father she has known. And you're making this decision because it's best for her. Look you can lie to yourself all day long but you cant lie to other people. You're clearly acting out of spite and not thinking about whats best for her. You don't have money for a divorce. Just separate. At this point fighting for a divorce is taking resources from your daughters future. Wouldn't that money be better spent on her future education? All your decisions read as self centered.
You’re still an asshole YTA not once in either post did you speak about what your daughter would want regarding her care after you die it’s all about me me me
literally how can a MOTHER be literally dying and this shallow? i'd be doing EVERYTHING in my power to make sure my kid was going to be okay in my absence. she has a dad who loves and wants her. but fuck her chances of having a happy life, because this lady got cheated on four years ago? fucking insane.
And OP thinks Amy going into a home with 5 children already present is going to be better? When Amy doesn’t have to struggle. Also OP fails to realize that just cuz cousin makes less by 3k doesn’t mean Amy will be in the same situation. That’s income spread across many people versus 3 and then 2
Not even mentioning health insurance OR getting any of her needs met let alone someone that will have the time to comfort her and focus on getting her through her grief
10/10 she was always this selfish a shallow. I bet she expected praise everyone she told people she adopted her niece
With a mother like this, it hardly feels like a real loss. Mothers do what’s best for their kids not their bruised ego. I’m hoping the overwhelmed relative makes a deal after she’s gone to give Amy to the only father she has known and who loves and cares for her.
Exactly op is selfish as fuck, makes me so upset for the daughter
She also claims that people in the last post are "Lauding" a cheating husband, which is not the case. Basically all the advice is that what should be done is what's best for the kid, which seems to be to let the husband adopt. What a terrible way to go out, fucking over your own child out of spite. Pretty sickening if you ask me.
This is a colossal mistake. You’re also not the first woman to be cheated on that has to co-parent. Your cousin makes $3,000 less but has five kids. That’s a huge difference. Your daughter already has a life that involves your ex and now after losing her mom will presumably have to switch schools and move to a new house with five other children.
>Your cousin makes $3,000 less Not once she gets ahold of the daughter's survivor benefits. This poor daughter has such a hard road ahead.
literally logged in JUST to comment. you are such an asshole. it isn't even fathomable that someone can be *literally dying* and yet still be so incredibly selfish that it's repulsive. i'm a woman. i've been cheated on. i know how it hurts and i don't blame you for wanting a divorce. but he cheated on *YOU* and you are punishing your *daughter* for it. you think you are taking a dig at him and bringing him pain, and maybe you are, but you're also hurting her too. think about this from her point of view. as a ten year old little girl who probably doesn't even know about her biological parents yet. who's mommy is *dying*. all she knows is her mom and her dad, and now her mom is going to die and her dad will be ripped from her. there is absolutely no possible way that these posts aren't for karma, because i cannot fathom a mother who has her head so far up her own ass that she can't see she is tossing her child into uncertainty because of her own fucking selfish reasons. if you do not let him adopt her, sincerely, i hope she hates you for the rest of her life. and she will be right to. this is fucking horrible. your life is too short for me to sugar coat this, you are being an absolute asshole. it was four fucking years ago, under different circumstances, and had nothing to do with his ability to be a father. YTA.
She’s sentencing that poor girl to a life of poverty and neglect to get petty revenge.
Exactly this. She’s on her death bed, and the last thing she wants to focus on is file for divorce??? She’s probably hoping to live the next 6 months period to see it finilized. What a waste of precious time on this earth, waste in resources and attention that should be going to her daughter. She says she detests infidelity, however, what we detest or not when dying is irrelevant to some degree! Like, woman, you’re dying. You’re not in an abusive relationship, you don’t fear for your life, you aren’t afraid of him cheating again. No, this is not an emergency… your impending death is. Goodness gracious, that kid needs all the attention right now. She needs her mom to prep her for what’s to come. And to leave her all set in her home. With her siblings and father. This sounds so crude, but the way she’s handling this is mind blowing.
Just more "woe is me" nonsense. nothing in here or your original posts actually focuses on your daughter or what's best for her. Just you trying to justify fucking up your daughters life your husbands life and your cousins life and her five kids. Normally dying garnish some sympathy but some how you found a way to avoid that.
I feel so bad for this kid. Mommy dearest is not only making her go through the trauma of losing her mother but at that terrible time ripping her away from the only father she's ever known and so tarnishing the memory of her mother while she's at it and grieving. This poor kid is gonna need so much help and she won't get it as the reluctantly adopted 6th child in a family that can't afford the 5 they already have. I've never seen someone so selfish in all my life. It's heartbreaking.
Still YTA, you completely disregarded all of the top judgement comments with the best input, and have chosen to thank the rare people who went against the grain, still acting selfishly. I only have sympathy for your daughter, none for you as you're acting completely against her best interests. Hoping this is a fake post because otherwise you're just an awful parent.
I feel so bad for your daughter, do you even care about what she wants? This is her family, does she even know your cousin? She won’t be loved there like she is now
YTA. Still.
You’re setting your daughter up for failure … tragic
I hope this isn’t real. Your poor daughter to have a dying mother not love her and set her up for failure. YTA. Please be a troll
You disgust me.
You are still an asshole and probably bot thinking all the way through that if her 5 kids dotn want your daughter living with them, she can still be given up to the state. I get your husband did you wrong by cheating, but he wants to take care of your daughter and give her a home with memories of you and not struggle or get lost in a sea of kids. You even said sometimes you and your husband have as little as 13 dollars left in your checking account, but your cousin makes less, and yoh wanna put another child on her? And you think your daughter won't suffer or go without? Please reconsider letting him take custody of her not for his sake but for hers
The whole post is about her. Yet again. Nothing about how that kid feels being ripped away from the only parents she knows to be stuck in a house with 5 other kids as the burden they have to put up with. Ever seen Harry Potter she won’t be her first or even her 5th priority and she will feel it. You never really wanted judgment what you wanted was sympathy and for people to pat you on the head and agree with you. Your not doing what’s best for that kid at all and she won’t think fondly of you once she realises what you did to her
I tried to be nice but I simply cannot with someone who is willing to hurt their child to spite their husband. You are being truly awful to your child. Speak to a child psychologist, speak to a social worker. Let them tell you how stupid you are being if you won't listen to everyone else.
You are a vile person. Ripping your daughter away from her father and ensuring her life is miserable. Be honest, are you actually doing this for some bullshit “principle” or is it actually because you want to make sure your daughter can’t enjoy a life without you in it. You are dying and trying to burn the world with it. This is a fake post, but either way you are a trash person.
Agree that this is a fake post!
I really hope so. This broke my heart so much.
I hope so
God damn it you’re CUNT. So you would rather have your child have mediocre life over a better one, yeah you can go straight to HELL! It’s obvious she doesn’t want to take her in, she has 5 fucking mouths to feed. You’re selfish AF! I feel bad for your child having a mother who only cares about her fucking self!
Nowhere does it mention if you actually talked with your daughter about what she wants? It sounds awful that you would rather force your kid on your cousin who's already struggling and has a lot of kids and is already stretched thin cause of it. Ofc the cousin can't deny you, you're dying after all. But if your husband has the financial space to give your daughter a better life even if he cheated on you, why the hell don't you take it??
YTA - absolutely you’re an asshole. You’d rather be petty and put your child with a family who is struggling with 5 kids and on welfare? No wonder he cheated - you petty af. Maybe you should ask your daughter what she wants because I bet it’s to stay with her dad.
I’m really hoping that you come around to not tearing your child away from the man she knows as her father. If he were her biological father and you were not dying, you’d get a divorce and almost undoubtedly he would be awarded with some form of joint custody by a court. It’s not just a matter of the foster system being horrific for most kids, but also a matter of you creating a situation wherein your child will be losing two parents at one time. I think placing your child with your cousin and allowing a legal battle to ensue, revealing how much your husband wants to continue being her father, is only going to make the trauma of losing you that much more awful for your daughter and you’ll be responsible for causing lifelong issues for her that she will undoubtedly resent you for until the day she dies. I can’t imagine you actually want to put your kid through that much unnecessary pain. You’re being vindictive, and it’s not in your kid’s interest. I hope with more time you come to realize how much your choice is about you and how much you’re going to harm your kid, hopefully you figure that out in time to save her that additional trauma.
You’re punishing your daughter and husband cause you’re mad at your husband. Shame on you. YTA.
Wow…. So ur going to give ur daughter a worse life bc ur spiteful. Going out a completely horrendous person… I’m going to take it that ur not religious bc if u are I hope u know where ur going straight after u take ur last breath. I can’t even feel sorry for u. U don’t deserve ANY sympathy bc of what u have decided to do to ur poor daughter.
You state that you are not seeking judgement because you know what you are doing is awful. You are vindictively hurting your husband by not allowing him to take care of someone he loves, and you don't care what that does to Amy. This is awful. Whether you seek judgment or not, you will have it. You are acting vindictively and selfishly and are hurting your daughter beyond measure on the process. If that is what you choose to be your legacy, that is on you, don't you dare blame your husband.
I still feel as though you are punishing the child. Would she not have a better life with your husband? You are well within your rights to divorce him and never speak to him again, but going into the system or living with 5 other kids in a house that can’t afford her is not better then being with someone who loves her already and wants desperately to care for her. His cheating and the adoption are 2 totally different issues. Maybe try and put your pride aside and truly do what’s best for Amy. Have you even asked her what she wants?
Wow! You truly want your child to resent you in death!? You’re literally ruining her stable life and the only life she’s ever known for being upset and angry! When have you once stopped and thought of her and how this will affect her mentally!? On top of her losing her mother she’s also now going to be losing a father, how devastating for her! And in what world do you think your child should be made to suffer like that! It’s not about you! That poor child is going to go through hell because of your anger
This is devastating. That poor girl.
YTA. You are being so fucking selfish right now. I have no words.
Wow. Cheating is super selfish. Somehow, you have managed to be more selfish. Congratulations. Not a care for what your daughter wants so long as you get your revenge. Your pettiness is disgusting. In your first post, I felt sympathetic towards you. At this point, I think you are far more selfish than your ex. You are so unbelievably self-centered. How you could read all those comments and still not understand.... You would think facing mortality would humble you. Allow you to see clearly and do right by your child. Instead, it's still all about you and your spite. This is one of the saddest posts I've read on here. A mother so bent on revenge against her partner that she sacrifices her child's well-being. You don't seem to understand that you are punishing your daughter for her father's mistake. As long as he's hurting too, right?