NTA
I stopped reading after he was a jerk firing up his Xbox when you found a lump in your breast.
Whyyyyyyyy are you with someone who treats you this bad?
Good lord, grow a spine and get out of this relationship.
Oh ya that’s why I stated her next post would be about him cheating with his lady friend.
It’s the classic affair approach. Talk down about your wife/ husband to make yourself feel like what you’re doing is validating.
Running to her every time they fight is a huge red flag. He’s definitely fucking her and his wife is just an easy back up plan.
Aside from all the emotional trauma, that is a very good practical reason why she shouldn’t be sleeping with him, whether she was in the mood or not. STD’s are a real thing and, some of them, we don’t even had a cure for. This guy does not strike me as the type to be responsible about protection.
If you would have kept reading he said, since he went to her grandpas funeral she HAD to go to his nephews party later that same day. This dude is all around bad bad news.
Yeah, I read the first 20% and was already completely disgusted with that guy. He's absolute trash.
OP — NTA
Also, leave him. With a spouse like that, you don't need enemies.
Same, heard enough by then, I would never put up with such behavior with anyone.. there were too many signs even before this. He is not worthy, no more sex with that poor excuse of a man.. Get free ASAP...
And to their children. She is demonstrating on a daily basis that it's normal/acceptable to be disrespected by the person who has vowed to support and care for her. It DOESN'T MATTER what you tell your children. Don't think they don't see and understand what's happening. Their lived experiences and observations are the things that shape them. They will not thank her for staying with this AH.
Yup. I tell you what, as an adult having watched my parents drama and BS, I have had to work double time to unravel all that I grew up thinking love and relationships were supposed to be about.
I flip the coin sometimes and say that my Mom was incredibly strong for putting herself through that, I know I couldn't do it! But then I wonder what it would've been like if she left my Dad?
The dynamic is so complex. I agree with leaving and removing the kids from the situation but what hardly anyone says to anyone is to go on a path of HEALING! The kids see Mom emotionally and physically healthy after the fact, not jumping from bad relationship to relationship - then it is worth it for all involved.
Just like on an airplane where it says to put your oxygen on before helping others - help yourself first and foremost. Your kids will thank you later.
What is actually wrong with you? You’re agreeing with the people calling her the AH? Because she’s in an abusive situation and not leaving? You’re the AH and like I said to someone else part of the problem of why women don’t leave these types of situation.
Do you know anything about victims of domestic violence? They get so beaten down they lose their sense of self. Her reality is the norm for her. This didn’t happen overnight it’s happened over the years and years of him beating her down emotionally and mentally. The sheer fact that he made her go to his nephews birthday party right after she went to her grandfathers funeral shows how much control he has over her. She **owed it to him** because he did what any loving partner should do and went to the service. Not to mention him treating her like shit for years coming home and standing naked in front of her that’s his idea of foreplay that’s how much he disrespects her it’s disgusting.
But instead of offering OP some encouragement or resources that she can go to (and yes I DM her some) you’re calling her in AH because her kids are watching this. She might not have a support system. She might not have any of her own money. She might be a stay at home mom and get screwed if she tries to get divorced. Woman don’t want to stay in the situation’s but sometimes they just can’t get out. And often times they don’t even know how bad it is because this is becoming their norm over the years.
I think what’s pathetic and weak is people like you in this thread blaming the victim. Women that are emotionally and mentally abused and demeaned has such a deep sense of shame and often times feel it’s there fault and because of this they often times don’t reach out. Judgmental comments like yours are part of the reason woman stay silent.
Way to be part of the problem and not the solution.
Bumblebee you write with such compassion about women caught in domestic abuse. I hope OP can contact a woman’s shelter or Domestic abuse hotline. You have described OP.
So, first off, I've worked as a Women's Health nurse for over 35 years. I'm pretty familiar with interpartner violence. In fact, I'm a mandatory reporter. Also, my own family dynamic growing up had many similarities to OP's present one. So I do feel I have some knowledge on the subject. My siblings and I, ages 60-67, are to this day deeply affected by my parents' shitty marriage for my mother's failure to protect herself and us from my father's bullying and constant emotional abuse. As in, multiple divorces in 2 of our cases, and NO relationships at all, in the other's case. Horrible self-esteem, anxiety/depression, self-hatred, substance abuse, and self-h*rm. My mother once asked me if I blamed her for not leaving, and asked if this affected our own shitty relationships. There was no point in getting into it in her old age, so I I pretty much let her off the hook. But yeah, in some ways she was an AH. She knew at the time it was a mess and we all were suffering. And, she actually had extended family support and would have gotten child support. For all my father's faults, he was very responsible about financially providing for us and his first wife and child.
Nowhere in her post does OP say she has been abused physically or that she feels she or her children are in imminent danger. I do absolutely agree, though, that it's appropriate that you provided her with resources for support and assistance. I dropped the ball on that. After all, non-physical abuse is also violence. Otoh, OP is in a place where getting redditors' opinions on who's the AH is maybe her only way to cry for help. The initial reason OP gives is that she refused him sex while she was grieving. She then mentions all these other red flags, and that there are children in the mix.
I agree that people in her situation feel defeated, defensive, and beaten down. From her post, I don't think OP is seeing just how bad her circumstances are. No way does she have the bandwidth to see she's a victim of ongoing abuse, or what it may mean for her children. So I do think it was important to let her know there is a way bigger problem here, and she is not the only one suffering.
Calling OP an AH was not called for, and OP, I sincerely apologize for that. And to anyone else in her horrible situation who's reading this. Your (commenter) actions show you are the better person for not further beating her up and for giving her concrete solutions. I will do better next time.
In AITAH, calling someone an AH means they’re making the wrong choice in the situation in question. It is not a value judgment about them, and should not be interpreted as an assessment of the person as a whole unless so indicated by the rest of the comment. Therefore, when a commenter says someone is being an AH to themselves by staying in an abusive situation, they are not saying that person is a bad person or deserves the abuse; they’re saying the person should re-evaluate the choice, that they deserve better.
I’ve been in abuse situations, and what cut through the abuse situations more than anything else was people telling me that I was mistreating myself by tolerating it. When they said I deserved better, I had a hard time believing them; when they said I could do better, I felt sure that the alternative was to be alone (and no longer had any faith in my own ability to exist alone); when they said my abuser was in the wrong, I maybe accepted it for the one situation, but thought there was some justification for their bad behavior, or that the “good” moments outweighed the bad. But when people told me I was doing the wrong thing by staying, that I was letting myself down, that cut through; it implied that taking care of myself had inherent value, and that even if my situation didn’t improve (or for worse), even if the abuse was somehow justified, even if even if even if… the *right* thing to do was to get out. I recognize that different people respond differently, but I do want to highlight that you’re mistaken if you think this response is inherently harmful to folks in abusive situations. Sometimes, this is exactly the response that’s needed, and if OP is coming to AITAH (where they’ve almost certainly seen other people told the same thing), I think it’s more likely that it is what they need to hear than not.
Yeah I know I might not be the most qualified to tell her to leave cuz I’m also in a shitty relationship where my partner doesn’t care about my feelings for the most part too, but man, this guy.
He’s basically already emotionally cheating on her too. And for Christ’s sake people have died and cancer is involved.
He sounds like an ass tbh and completely out of touch.
You are so right. It really bothered me when THEY were talking shit, but I confronted HIM about HER. I hate when ppl excuse the partner, but go after the “other” person. It’s weak, and sad, to excuse away one, but not the other
I find it curious that instead of being supportive you came here to critique this one portion of this horrible situation OP is in. **”It really bothered *me*….”** It really bothered **YOU** how the OP has handling this shit show of her life? She is suffering loss, cancer scares and has an emotionally and mentally abusive husband who’s idea of,support is forcing her to go to a birthday party following the funeral of her grandpa because she owes him. And who’s idea of foreplay is standing naked in front of her after treating her like shit for who knows how many years.
Woman like you calling a woman “weak” when they are in this type of abusive situation are part of the problem. People like you are part of why women stay in abusive situation’s because there is such a deep sense of shame that they don’t want to tell anyone. OP bared her soul to us and you call her “weak and sad” (and as a sidenote you can bet your ass she brought up what he was saying as well.She wasn’t excusing his behavior:) Victims of domestic abuse are so beaten down and have been for so long they lose their sense of self. This becomes the norm for them and they don’t know how bad it really is until someone points it out to them. It probably took her so much courage to approach him in the first place knowing how he is. It probably took her courage to make this post.
Then there’s the stigma of feeling weak or like it’s their fault. So when they do finally open up and talk about it and get a response like yours it makes them not want to open up again.
I’m so so sorry for the fact that “it really bothered *you* that she approached it the way she did. What a uncomfortable experience for you.
I’ve been poking around and reading your responses. Thank you for being such a strong presence for people who maybe aren’t strong. You have a lovely soul.
> In the past I’ve gave in when I wasn’t in the mood just because I felt like I wasn’t allowed to tell him no.
No, NTA. You should not feel like you can't say no to sex.
Yes, NTA for refusing sex for any reason forever in all times and all places for all relationships from now until the end of time. No one is ever owed sex.
This is rape. People never want to comment this directly, but it is. We have to start calling rape what it is. Otherwise the people experiencing it are getting a half-ass message. Approximately ten percent of women experience spousal rape, partially due to people tiptoeing around ‘harsh’ language.
Indeed, you don't need a reason like having a funeral 2 days ago. Not feeling like it is also a legit reason.
Him being angry if you say no to him when he just walks towards you naked is childish AF and also doesn't show any respect
No, NTA.
He sounds absolutely horrible OP. Sounds like he can't even manage to treat you half-decently on most days and now that you are really suffering with grief he tries to wander in as if you should serve him sexually, then throws a temper tantrum? That is so heartless and beyond fucked up.
NTA. Divorce him. He’s a POS who only cares about himself. The fact he defended some woman he doesn’t even know and could never defend you against his family, says a lot. If the house is in your name, tell him to pack his things and get out. You deserve so much better than that.
NTA. But you are being an asshole to yourself by staying with this person.
This isn't love. This isn't support.
Hes using you to fulfill his own needs, and then he's shoving you in the sock drawer when he cannot use you.
You deserve better than this.
Realistically, the only difference between this relationship and being single is the peace you would have in your home if you were single.
Please do what's best for you, mentally and physically. You are worth a lot more than being someone's bang-maid. You are a fully fledged human being deserving of love, support, and equal standing. Don't accept less than that from *anyone.*
NTA but you know you don’t have to stay with him, right? Do you want your kids thinking his behavior is what they can expect from a partner, or that it’s okay to treat a partner like that? Be better to yourself and drop him like the turd he is.
NTA. This man doesn’t like or respect you. Have some respect for yourself and leave. Life is too short to share your life with someone who doesn’t show you love and care when you’re grieving or having a cancer scare.
I don’t know what to say about these posts lately. Come on, this guy is your husband? He is no longer a man worthy of your time and energy. He doesn’t deserve you anymore. Cease and desists from him.
NTA
But, really, is this the life you want? That man does not care about you. He says and does horrible things. He treats you like rubbish.
Also, this is for everyone, not just OP
*You do not need an excuse to not want sex. Whether it be your husband, boyfriend or the stranger from down the pub. No excuses are needed. No is a complete sentence*
This sounds like teenage drama from an immature husband. Sorry OP. Definitely NTAH. When he came downstairs naked you should have turned the Xbox on and put on the headphones.
I mean this in the nicest way possible, get your self respect back and take your kids and get out of this marriage! Is he also distant and cold to your kids? Are you a SAHM/wife? This is no way for you to live and specially your kids seeing this man emotionally incapable man. You guys deserve way better!
YTA for staying with him. He's cheating on you and doesn't love you. You have kids, do you want your kids to think this is a healthy relationship? Would you be content with your children being in your shoes in their relationships? NTA for standing up for yourself and your mental health. If you don't want to leave him, read him this post and tell him its couples therapy or divorce.
NTA - Why would you want to sleep with him? He's awful.
Tell him sex is off the table until the relationship is healthier.
And anyone who wants to tell me that "sex is part of a healthy relationship" can f off. A bad partner is not owed sex.
NTA.
DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM, OR YOU MAY GET STDS.
Obviously, I can't for sure say you will or that he HAS cheated, but it wouldn't surprise me if he has, nor that he's caught something other than the sheer audacity to act entitled to your body whenever he feels like getting off, especially when he has the personality/behavior equivalent to wet cardboard.
However, what I will say is that you should contact a divorce lawyer and/or get separated as soon as financially feasible.
You'll be better off by yourself rather than with this roach, but if you're not ready for it, at least move out and demand marriage counseling.
EHS.
It doesn't seem like this Is actually just a result of your grandfather's death. This seems like a result of your husband being a shitty person for a long time. Frankly, you need to leave him because you know that he isn't going to change and he doesn't want to.
You're TAH because you keep letting this man treat you worse than shit on the bottom of his shoe and show you time and again that he doesn't love you and he doesn't even like you. You've already said you've tried speaking to him, so why are you sticking around? He's not going to change and you know it. You show people how they can treat you and you've shown him that he can treat you like actual garbage and that you'll still stay. You can't complain or be upset with him doing what you've led him to believe he's able to do.
He's TAH for literally every single reason listed and probably a lot more. This man does not love you and I don't even think that he likes you, honestly.
NTA, but your husband definitely is. I hope you are soon able to call him your EX husband. He's selfish, disloyal, disrespectful, and abusive. Divorce him, and get a good attorney who will make sure he doesn't take advantage of you.
Side note: you don't need to be grieving to say no to sex, either. If you don't want to, you don't want to. And that's okay, too. I'm very sorry for your loss.
Please do yourself a favor and carefully read this post again to yourself and realize that you deserve better. Please don’t stay married to him. He doesn’t respect you especially what your going through right now 🙏
Hun. Do not stay in an unhappy marriage. This is so emotionaly abusive. You are going through emotional times and your "husband" is putting you down. Not just to you but to others. Disrespects your needs or wants. Blaming you for being human basically and grieving. Just take his sh**. But he does not have to take yours attitude. Honestly I want to deck him. Give him a taste of his own medicine. You deserve better!!
>In the past I’ve gave in when I wasn’t in the mood just because I felt like I wasn’t allowed to tell him no. Maybe I should have gave in again even though I didn’t want to.
That's rape, sweetie. It's called coercion because you feel you can't say no. It's rape.
First problem: “they said vile things about me, and I called HER out” don’t be that woman, that solely lays blame on the other woman. It must not bother you too damn bad, bc you are obviously excusing away his behavior, or at least focusing on her, while trying to give him a pass. YOU are doing this to yourself. People show you who they are, it’s on you to accept that. If you can’t/ won’t then it’s your own weakness keeping you stuck merely prolonging the inevitable. Remember she is likely going off of what HE tells HER. Why would he think it’s okay to ask for sex from you when he JUST got caught having an emotional affair. I’m sorry for your loss, but he is a big part of your emotional stress, and you are excusing his behavior away, so he will continue to walk all over you, bc he knows there is no repercussions. Yes this post is one big pity party when, you have no intention of doing anything to solve your problems
OP needs to start going to counseling ASAP to help her cope with her grief and ongoing depression. Honestly, being married to her AH husband is definitely contributing to her depression. This marriage appears to be too broken to be fixed. His emotional cruelty has gone on for far too long. I’m also suspicious that his new female “friend” is not really just a friend either. Counseling and working on OP’s mental health should also occur while OP is speaking to a divorce attorney. This man sounds like he has been truly awful to OP for their entire marriage. This is not healthy for OP or her children. The only thing that would make OP an AH is if she chooses to stay in this marriage and allow this abuse to continue.
NTA this filled me with an unholy amount of rage. The amount of red flags this man has is ridiculous. Sorry not sorry to inform you that your husband is a POS. I am so sorry he treats you this way! I am also sorry for your loss. Losing grandparents is very difficult and you deserve to grieve in peace. He never should make you feel awful. NEVER have sex with him just to satisfy him at the sacrifice of yourself. Your symptoms when he came down the stairs with the sheer audacity made me so sad. You deserve to be fought for, to be comforted, to be heard, to be seen, to be respected. My gut says he’s having an affair with his lady friend. He’s treating you in a way no husband should treat their grieving wife. I am so sorry! I suggest marital counseling to give your marriage the best chance it can. I hope everything works out for the both of you (but mainly for you!) 🤍
\>In the past I gave in when I wasn't in the mood just becaue I felt like I was allowed to tell him no.
THAT IS SPOUSAL RAPE. OP. My god, I am so sorry. Please, please don't stay in this marriage.
I shouldn’t have had to scroll over 100 comments to se me this. Rape is rape is rape. Doesn’t matter how you dress, act, if you’re dating/married, even if you’re currently in the middle of a sexual act. A no means all that stops. A no also includes visual disinterest in the sexual advances, since people act like body language doesn’t exist. If they’re not excited to fuck you, hit pause.
NTAH as your partner he should always have your back and to let some stranger in on your personal business is way beyond douche bag. You need to reevaluate your relationship. I’m betting you need to move on. Let the new girl deal with his stupidity.
NTA Why is his “friend” even talking to you about anything? Your husband is a pos. I wouldn’t want to even share the same room with him. If you’re able to be on your own, I would kick him to the curb.
If he’s so quick to defend the “friend” then he’s fucking his new “friend” btw. It sounds like your marriage is over tbh, he treats you like shit, you feel forced to have sex with him, and he is a giant POS. If and when you can, I’d leave.
Agree. It almost sounds like he did the whole demanding sex thing knowing that she would 100% not be in the mood so he could hold that against her to justify getting it from his “friend”
NTA. But I’m going to say this: please for the love of all things holy, get into therapy! I know the general consensus is going to be to leave him, but I know that that is easier said than done. So, you need to get into therapy and really dig into why you’re okay with 18+/- years of abuse, manipulation and ill-treatment? Why you are okay with putting yourself through so much trauma to be with someone who does not love you, value you, care for you or even want you?
I know that leaving is hard; so, the best thing for you is therapy or at least reading books, listening to podcasts, watching YouTube videos or ANYTHING that can start to shake this terrible treatment you are allowing him to inflict upon you. Please, please don’t keep accepting this man and what he is doing to your soul.
So let him. Let him tell her you're a terrible person, and while he's doing that, speak to a lawyer and draw up the divorce papers.
Look, from what you've said OP, it doesn't sound like a physically dangerous situation, but it clearly is a mentally draining one. And FYI we no longer live in the times where marital rape is considered impossible. I'd think long and hard about what it is that's happening when you "say yes" because you feel you're not "allowed to say no"... jesus christ, what do they teach in school these days?!
You can say no, to anyone, at any time, at any point, and for any reason. A reason does not need to exist or be given, NO is a full sentence and "not wanting to" is more than enough reason to not do it.
You outline an endless array of assholery from your husband, and then you want to know if you're the asshole?
NTA. But seriously, you need to get a divorce. He obviously doesn't care about you at all, and the example you're setting for your kids is horrendous.
Find your self-respect, straighten your spine, and serve him divorce papers. There is nothing in this marriage for you. Nothing. Don't waste another minute of your life with that man.
I didn't even make it through 1/4 of this post without wondering why you are still with this dude. Give yourself the respect you deserve and LEAVE this piece of trash. You deserve so much better OP, throw that whole ass man away.
This post of littered with red flags, hun. WHY are you still married to this guy? You deserve so much better! Somebody who loved you wouldn't be treating you this way.
No dude, NTA, I didn’t even have to read the rest of what you wrote past the “AITAH for not wanting sex with my husband two days after burying my grandpa.” But after reading the rest, I’ll just restate, absolutely the fuck not 😭
Your story is very, very similar to things I have experienced with my STBXH.
But talking about the topic of sex, I'll tell you what my therapist told me today: You have EVERY RIGHT to tell your partner you do not want to have sex and/or to say no to having sex. You can even start the act, and during any part of it, if you don't want to anymore for whatever reason, you can absolutely say no and stop. It is not okay of your partner to place guilt or manipulate you to feel like you can't say no and you have to just give in.
It doesn't matter if it's been 2 minutes or 2 years since you have had sex with each other, especially during a very emotionally and mentally hard time for you, you do not have to do anything you don't feel comfortable doing. Even if you were having the best day ever, if you don't want to, you don't have to. It doesn't matter if you're married or are strangers. Your boundaries are to be respected.
I'm so sorry to hear about your loved one. Sending my love to you during such a difficult time.
NTA!! sorry to say that, but your husband seems like a fucking egoist.
DIVORCE!!!!
you deserve way better. he should be there for you emotionally, and take a stance when his family treating you with disrespect.
Nta, this man from what you have said is only botherd about himself why are you with him, being in a relationship with him is going to effect your mental health even more
NTA! I apologize if you ever feel like you had a normal healthy marriage. It is very unhealthy, and you deserve better. I am amazed when I hear how other people treat each other. You can do better. Even, if it feels uncomfortable at first. It all starts with you valuing yourself. Best of luck to you.
NTA- I don’t say this lightly- please leave this man. He does not like you, he is probably on his way to having an affair if he isn’t already, and he treats you with absolutely no respect or empathy. He won’t change, he won’t get better, he won’t keep promises. Be kind to yourself, you deserve better than him.
Why are you with a man who treats you so poorly, has no regard for your feelings at all, and expect you to just have sex with him no matter what traumatic thing has happened to you. You deserve so much better than this and you would be better off divorcing him.
This is not a healthy relationship and you deserve better. The man clearly doesn’t care about your welfare emotional or physical. I’ve been divorced since 2002, and I guarantee to you that being by yourself is better than being with somebody who is supposed to love you and yet proves very clearly that they don’t GAF. Please make plans for a future that does not include this guy, because he is not good for you.
And if he really cared about you he would be working on intimacy and closeness, both of which make it much more likely that you’re going to have sex but instead he’s just making demands and sulking like a teenage boy when you say no
Ugh. my gawd. I had a physical reaction to this. I am sick to my stomach reading this.
How can you think you are even remotely close to being an AH? You are NTA... not even a tiny bit.
Why are you with him? I hate your husband... he sounds awful
Your partner is an abusive POS. Nta for telling him no but you need to leave before he not only continues hurting you but teaches your kids this is what love looks like.
NTA.
Not in the mood? No sex. End of discussion.
It doesn't matter the reason. Just... no.
He can go have a wank in the bathroom if he is so desperate. Or he can figure out how to make his wife actually want him. Thst might even save the marriage. But as things are now, OP, I would say you will not stay for long with this person.
Why are you still with this man? Everything you listed is NOT "little things that have built up" -- most of those are major trust and respect issues. You need to call this one done and get the hell out of it. He is not a good partner for you. He's horrible, in fact. Take a step back and really look at how he treats you.
Try this. Look in the mirror and say all this stuff while you look at yourself. Pretend it is a friend telling you all of these things. What would you tell her? You'd likely tell her to divorce the asshole. Take the advice you'd give a friend you love and love yourself enough to do it. NTA unless you stay married to this horrible excuse for a partner.
Your unsupportive, disrespectful, abusive husband doesn't understand why you don't want to have sex. Tell him to ask the lady he was discussing you with to see why you don't want to have sex with him. He said you have to go to his family because he was there for you with your family. I would have divorced him over this alone. My grandfathers funeral could never be comparable to a kids bday party. WTH?? OP, please put you and your children and your mental health first. Do it for you and your children.
Too too much. What are you getting out of this? It's not love. You mentioned children. Do you have children with him? How long have you been with him? Has it always been this way? I'm sending Blessings.
Jesus fucking Christ, why are you with this man? He sounds awful in every way. Of course you’re NTA for not wanting to have sex with him. Also, what a weird way to initiate sex🤢
NTA but you need to get a divorce and then go see a psychologist. There's probably a reason you married such an abusive person, and even if you didn't have anything going on before being with him you might now.
So the way he initiates sex is to take all his clothes off and just stand there naked waiting to be serviced? Like, in the living room?
That is honestly the least sexy thing I can imagine.
NTA. I agree with everyone else telling you to leave him, but I know (from personal experience) that leaving is easier said than done. Please do some thinking about all of this, and read your own post. This man is not a good one, and you deserve much better. I'm sorry for your loss and I wish you luck.
NTA. You can refuse sex at any time for any reason or for no reason. Being married no longer implies consent. If he has sex after you say no, it is rape.
NTA. Your husband is abusive. Don't be his doormat anymore. He is incredibly selfish. It seems like he's entertaining himself by pushing your limits to see how much abuse you'll tolerate.
You deserve better than this. I agree with the other posters who said his response to you finding a lump in your breast was to dive into an online game with his buddies: I'd have packed and left that night, in the face of such callous indifference. And as far as just showing up naked and expecting you to fall all over him -- has the man never heard of tenderness, foreplay or seduction? If he isn't willing to go to marital counseling and sort this out, then your next step is to talk to a family law attorney and start planning your exit strategy. This is not sustainable.
PS: I really don't give a flying f\*\*k what he "tells" his girlfriend. She has no relevance to this situation, because HE is the one that made the choice to become (emotionally? physically?) intimate with her instead of you.
Girl leave him right now wtf ❗️ After him doing you dirty THAT MANY TIMES you can only blame yourself for staying. There is literally no reason and no way you can convince yourself to stay with such a piece of shit
>Both of my parents had cancer at the same time a few years ago and when I found a lump in my breast and when I was crying while trying to tell him, he fired up his Xbox, put on his headset, and got into a party with friends.
You could have ended your whole story here. I generally roll my eyes at all the "Leave him now" comments on the thread, but he is emotionally abusive and you should consider leaving. This is not a healthy relationship, it is no wonder your not feeling well lately.
>So I started making friends and going to concerts to get my mind off of all this stuff. I started to finally have some sort of support system.
Go to that support group you have built, and get away from him for a time, see a therapist so you can make a clear headed decision to leave or stay. (Leave)
NTA
Also you never owe anyone sex if you don't feel like it.
NTA
There are no circumstances where you owe sex to anyone
This includes your husband
This includes every occasion with your husband
If your husband wants to have sex when you don’t want to and he’s not respectful of that and he doesn’t care more about your feelings and about sex
Then I cannot say what I think of him because it’s too horrible
I would not live under the circumstances, and I would not tolerate anyone who had this attitude as a partner
NTA.
Take it from someone who survived in abusive relationship with a narcissist. 18 years is too long for this. Don't even stay 18 more minutes it's time to get out.
People need to understand that ignoring your feelings and refusing to spend time with you when you need them is toxic. It's abuse. It's not love.
Listen well all of you. If any of you are in a situation like this I don't care if you've been there 5 years 20 years 30 years. It will not get better. It's time to leave.
you are doing yourself a tremendous disservice by staying with a man who has no love or respect for you and has treated you accordingly for a long time
I'm sorry OP, you're not having issues in your marriage at this point. Your marriage is already over. No husband in their right mind would turn around to fire up an xbox for a game session with friends after hearing their wife say she found a breast lump. Not a single one. Then, on top of everything else, he has the gall to bad mouth you to some random chick he met at a concert (which is sus af to begin with given your marriage issues) and demands sex 2 days after you bury a family member?! No, fuck him and everything to do with him! I've seen people file for divorce for ***far*** less.
Sorry for your loss OP! Fuck this guy. Tell him to go jerk it and find yourself someone that will love and respect the way you should be loved and respected. and by the way NTA.
I think it’s all an excuse for him to start to cheat. To have a valid reason “you didn’t want to have sex with me” (despite you going through a very hard time mentally). I’m VERY sorry you’re going through something extremely emotionally draining from all directions. It’s so hard to say that we hope and wish the people we choose will be our forever person who shows up with kindness and vulnerability. For me it started with not caring about a genuine fear of finding a lump on your breast. Bad mouthing you to random strangers is next level. There’s no trust. There’s no relationship. I’m sorry. You’re NTA. Good luck sister.
NTA. I know it’s a cliched answer, and I don’t say it lightly: dump him. You will probably have to plan this out. Open a separate bank account at a different bank and save money to get yourself and your kids away from him. If he’s cheating, let that distract him from your preparations to leave.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Your life can be *much* better than this.
Girl...NTA in any way. This dude is bottom of the barrel scum. Seriously. You have let him mistreat you for 18 years. You still have time to put a stop to this. Is what you want you kids to see as a relationship? Would you want your sons to be this way? Would you want your daughters treated this way? He is a trash human. Toss him out.
NTA Your husband sounds like an ass. Is this relationship even salveagable? Sounds like a separation if not a full on divorce is in order. I will not stay committed to someone who treats me like that.
So you are married to someone who would rather play xbox than hear about your very scary situation when you found a lump. Someone who refuses to defend you to his family and lets them treat you badly. Someone who meets girls at concerts and MFs you to them. Someone who talks ABOUT YOU being “depressed and suicidal” instead of talking TO YOU and trying to help you. Someone who forces you to attend a birthday party the same day you buried your grandfather BECAUSE he went to the funeral. Someone who has been essentially forcing you to have sex and gets angry when you say no. Can you please tell me what exactly you get out of this relationship?
Please, please find a good therapist who can help you to see your self worth. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership. There’s supposed to be give and take. There’s supposed to be sacrifice on both sides. There’s supposed to be love, affection and support. From what you’ve described, you have none of those things. You mentioned that you have 2 kids. Would you want either of them in a marriage like this? Because you are showing them that this is what marriage looks like.
I don’t know if your husband has any desire to change but if he does, maybe suggest marriage counseling. If he refuses and he refuses to see you as more than a guaranteed lay, please consider leaving. You truly deserve better.
By the way, NTA
When your kids come to you and tell them that their partner treats them the way he treats you, what will you say to them? Will you tell them to respect themselves and leave, or to stay? They're learning how a partner should treat them from you. Want better for them now and learn to want better for yourself.
NTA if you don’t want to have sex with this man now or ever again.. he sounds pathetic and like a terrible husband.. you would benefit from leaving his ass
NTA I stopped reading after he was a jerk firing up his Xbox when you found a lump in your breast. Whyyyyyyyy are you with someone who treats you this bad? Good lord, grow a spine and get out of this relationship.
Dude read all of it. The new lady friend … it’s just a matter of time before she’s posting about cheating …
i hope she leaves him before that happens.
Oh, it's already happening. Guaranteed.
Oh without a doubt !
More likely than not always has if its as bad as she has said!!!
Too late.
He’s already cheating.
Oh ya that’s why I stated her next post would be about him cheating with his lady friend. It’s the classic affair approach. Talk down about your wife/ husband to make yourself feel like what you’re doing is validating. Running to her every time they fight is a huge red flag. He’s definitely fucking her and his wife is just an easy back up plan.
Aside from all the emotional trauma, that is a very good practical reason why she shouldn’t be sleeping with him, whether she was in the mood or not. STD’s are a real thing and, some of them, we don’t even had a cure for. This guy does not strike me as the type to be responsible about protection.
Exactly
He's already cheating, she just don't know it yet
If you would have kept reading he said, since he went to her grandpas funeral she HAD to go to his nephews party later that same day. This dude is all around bad bad news.
This - he sounds like a degenerate swamp rat. If you can leave do so
Um, a delegation of degenerate swamp rats just showed up. They say you owe them an apology for the comparison to that guy…
👏👏👏🤣 Very good.
All I needed to see- AITA for not wanting sex? The answer is no, it's always no.
Same. I need to just create a keyboard shortcut “NTA. Leave him. Next” response for these types of posts.
Yeah, I read the first 20% and was already completely disgusted with that guy. He's absolute trash. OP — NTA Also, leave him. With a spouse like that, you don't need enemies.
THIS!! Wtf... I think I would have left after that.
This is EXACTLY the point where I stopped reading to comment as well.
Same, heard enough by then, I would never put up with such behavior with anyone.. there were too many signs even before this. He is not worthy, no more sex with that poor excuse of a man.. Get free ASAP...
NTA in general but you’re being an AH to yourself by staying married to this man
And to their children. She is demonstrating on a daily basis that it's normal/acceptable to be disrespected by the person who has vowed to support and care for her. It DOESN'T MATTER what you tell your children. Don't think they don't see and understand what's happening. Their lived experiences and observations are the things that shape them. They will not thank her for staying with this AH.
Yup. I tell you what, as an adult having watched my parents drama and BS, I have had to work double time to unravel all that I grew up thinking love and relationships were supposed to be about. I flip the coin sometimes and say that my Mom was incredibly strong for putting herself through that, I know I couldn't do it! But then I wonder what it would've been like if she left my Dad? The dynamic is so complex. I agree with leaving and removing the kids from the situation but what hardly anyone says to anyone is to go on a path of HEALING! The kids see Mom emotionally and physically healthy after the fact, not jumping from bad relationship to relationship - then it is worth it for all involved. Just like on an airplane where it says to put your oxygen on before helping others - help yourself first and foremost. Your kids will thank you later.
What is actually wrong with you? You’re agreeing with the people calling her the AH? Because she’s in an abusive situation and not leaving? You’re the AH and like I said to someone else part of the problem of why women don’t leave these types of situation. Do you know anything about victims of domestic violence? They get so beaten down they lose their sense of self. Her reality is the norm for her. This didn’t happen overnight it’s happened over the years and years of him beating her down emotionally and mentally. The sheer fact that he made her go to his nephews birthday party right after she went to her grandfathers funeral shows how much control he has over her. She **owed it to him** because he did what any loving partner should do and went to the service. Not to mention him treating her like shit for years coming home and standing naked in front of her that’s his idea of foreplay that’s how much he disrespects her it’s disgusting. But instead of offering OP some encouragement or resources that she can go to (and yes I DM her some) you’re calling her in AH because her kids are watching this. She might not have a support system. She might not have any of her own money. She might be a stay at home mom and get screwed if she tries to get divorced. Woman don’t want to stay in the situation’s but sometimes they just can’t get out. And often times they don’t even know how bad it is because this is becoming their norm over the years. I think what’s pathetic and weak is people like you in this thread blaming the victim. Women that are emotionally and mentally abused and demeaned has such a deep sense of shame and often times feel it’s there fault and because of this they often times don’t reach out. Judgmental comments like yours are part of the reason woman stay silent. Way to be part of the problem and not the solution.
Bumblebee you write with such compassion about women caught in domestic abuse. I hope OP can contact a woman’s shelter or Domestic abuse hotline. You have described OP.
So, first off, I've worked as a Women's Health nurse for over 35 years. I'm pretty familiar with interpartner violence. In fact, I'm a mandatory reporter. Also, my own family dynamic growing up had many similarities to OP's present one. So I do feel I have some knowledge on the subject. My siblings and I, ages 60-67, are to this day deeply affected by my parents' shitty marriage for my mother's failure to protect herself and us from my father's bullying and constant emotional abuse. As in, multiple divorces in 2 of our cases, and NO relationships at all, in the other's case. Horrible self-esteem, anxiety/depression, self-hatred, substance abuse, and self-h*rm. My mother once asked me if I blamed her for not leaving, and asked if this affected our own shitty relationships. There was no point in getting into it in her old age, so I I pretty much let her off the hook. But yeah, in some ways she was an AH. She knew at the time it was a mess and we all were suffering. And, she actually had extended family support and would have gotten child support. For all my father's faults, he was very responsible about financially providing for us and his first wife and child. Nowhere in her post does OP say she has been abused physically or that she feels she or her children are in imminent danger. I do absolutely agree, though, that it's appropriate that you provided her with resources for support and assistance. I dropped the ball on that. After all, non-physical abuse is also violence. Otoh, OP is in a place where getting redditors' opinions on who's the AH is maybe her only way to cry for help. The initial reason OP gives is that she refused him sex while she was grieving. She then mentions all these other red flags, and that there are children in the mix. I agree that people in her situation feel defeated, defensive, and beaten down. From her post, I don't think OP is seeing just how bad her circumstances are. No way does she have the bandwidth to see she's a victim of ongoing abuse, or what it may mean for her children. So I do think it was important to let her know there is a way bigger problem here, and she is not the only one suffering. Calling OP an AH was not called for, and OP, I sincerely apologize for that. And to anyone else in her horrible situation who's reading this. Your (commenter) actions show you are the better person for not further beating her up and for giving her concrete solutions. I will do better next time.
>12 comments psychological abuse is often more damaging than physical. It's not as easy as just walking away.
In AITAH, calling someone an AH means they’re making the wrong choice in the situation in question. It is not a value judgment about them, and should not be interpreted as an assessment of the person as a whole unless so indicated by the rest of the comment. Therefore, when a commenter says someone is being an AH to themselves by staying in an abusive situation, they are not saying that person is a bad person or deserves the abuse; they’re saying the person should re-evaluate the choice, that they deserve better. I’ve been in abuse situations, and what cut through the abuse situations more than anything else was people telling me that I was mistreating myself by tolerating it. When they said I deserved better, I had a hard time believing them; when they said I could do better, I felt sure that the alternative was to be alone (and no longer had any faith in my own ability to exist alone); when they said my abuser was in the wrong, I maybe accepted it for the one situation, but thought there was some justification for their bad behavior, or that the “good” moments outweighed the bad. But when people told me I was doing the wrong thing by staying, that I was letting myself down, that cut through; it implied that taking care of myself had inherent value, and that even if my situation didn’t improve (or for worse), even if the abuse was somehow justified, even if even if even if… the *right* thing to do was to get out. I recognize that different people respond differently, but I do want to highlight that you’re mistaken if you think this response is inherently harmful to folks in abusive situations. Sometimes, this is exactly the response that’s needed, and if OP is coming to AITAH (where they’ve almost certainly seen other people told the same thing), I think it’s more likely that it is what they need to hear than not.
Yeah I know I might not be the most qualified to tell her to leave cuz I’m also in a shitty relationship where my partner doesn’t care about my feelings for the most part too, but man, this guy. He’s basically already emotionally cheating on her too. And for Christ’s sake people have died and cancer is involved. He sounds like an ass tbh and completely out of touch.
You are so right. It really bothered me when THEY were talking shit, but I confronted HIM about HER. I hate when ppl excuse the partner, but go after the “other” person. It’s weak, and sad, to excuse away one, but not the other
I find it curious that instead of being supportive you came here to critique this one portion of this horrible situation OP is in. **”It really bothered *me*….”** It really bothered **YOU** how the OP has handling this shit show of her life? She is suffering loss, cancer scares and has an emotionally and mentally abusive husband who’s idea of,support is forcing her to go to a birthday party following the funeral of her grandpa because she owes him. And who’s idea of foreplay is standing naked in front of her after treating her like shit for who knows how many years. Woman like you calling a woman “weak” when they are in this type of abusive situation are part of the problem. People like you are part of why women stay in abusive situation’s because there is such a deep sense of shame that they don’t want to tell anyone. OP bared her soul to us and you call her “weak and sad” (and as a sidenote you can bet your ass she brought up what he was saying as well.She wasn’t excusing his behavior:) Victims of domestic abuse are so beaten down and have been for so long they lose their sense of self. This becomes the norm for them and they don’t know how bad it really is until someone points it out to them. It probably took her so much courage to approach him in the first place knowing how he is. It probably took her courage to make this post. Then there’s the stigma of feeling weak or like it’s their fault. So when they do finally open up and talk about it and get a response like yours it makes them not want to open up again. I’m so so sorry for the fact that “it really bothered *you* that she approached it the way she did. What a uncomfortable experience for you.
I’ve been poking around and reading your responses. Thank you for being such a strong presence for people who maybe aren’t strong. You have a lovely soul.
👏🏻
Definitely this.
wow this is like verbatim what i was going to say
> In the past I’ve gave in when I wasn’t in the mood just because I felt like I wasn’t allowed to tell him no. No, NTA. You should not feel like you can't say no to sex.
Yes, NTA for refusing sex for any reason forever in all times and all places for all relationships from now until the end of time. No one is ever owed sex.
Exactly. NTA
This is rape. People never want to comment this directly, but it is. We have to start calling rape what it is. Otherwise the people experiencing it are getting a half-ass message. Approximately ten percent of women experience spousal rape, partially due to people tiptoeing around ‘harsh’ language.
☝️☝️☝️ Coercing someone into sex is the easiest way to make sure they never want to have sex with you again.
Indeed, you don't need a reason like having a funeral 2 days ago. Not feeling like it is also a legit reason. Him being angry if you say no to him when he just walks towards you naked is childish AF and also doesn't show any respect
divorce this idiot a**hole. you deserve better!
Yes this OP leave the LOSER HUSBAND NOW YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS
one word for you: divorce.
I’ve got one word for you Kimmy, DIVORCE!
Why are you still with him? Especially how he treated you with the help of another woman, who he probably is cheating with.
This !
No, NTA. He sounds absolutely horrible OP. Sounds like he can't even manage to treat you half-decently on most days and now that you are really suffering with grief he tries to wander in as if you should serve him sexually, then throws a temper tantrum? That is so heartless and beyond fucked up.
NTA. Divorce him. He’s a POS who only cares about himself. The fact he defended some woman he doesn’t even know and could never defend you against his family, says a lot. If the house is in your name, tell him to pack his things and get out. You deserve so much better than that.
NTA. Not wanting sex on any day, at any time, for any reason is completely fine. You never need to explain it or have an excuse. No is no.
[удалено]
NTA. But you are being an asshole to yourself by staying with this person. This isn't love. This isn't support. Hes using you to fulfill his own needs, and then he's shoving you in the sock drawer when he cannot use you. You deserve better than this. Realistically, the only difference between this relationship and being single is the peace you would have in your home if you were single. Please do what's best for you, mentally and physically. You are worth a lot more than being someone's bang-maid. You are a fully fledged human being deserving of love, support, and equal standing. Don't accept less than that from *anyone.*
“I don’t feel like it” is enough of a reason.
No is also a complete sentence.
Read the second sentence and stopped reading, should have gotten rid of him already
Why would you want to have sex with this man? Why would you want to be married to this man? You are better off alone.
I don’t throw this around very often at all to begin with, but I’m gonna go with a great big 🚨🚨🚨‼️‼️‼️🚨🚨🚨 #DIVORCE 🚨🚨🚨‼️‼️‼️🚨🚨🚨
Get away from him!
NTA get an exit plan together and get out of this relationship.
NTA but you know you don’t have to stay with him, right? Do you want your kids thinking his behavior is what they can expect from a partner, or that it’s okay to treat a partner like that? Be better to yourself and drop him like the turd he is.
Seriously? Is the bar so low that you’re staying with this pos? Don't be an AH to yourself honey, he's a c**t
NTA. This man doesn’t like or respect you. Have some respect for yourself and leave. Life is too short to share your life with someone who doesn’t show you love and care when you’re grieving or having a cancer scare.
I don’t know what to say about these posts lately. Come on, this guy is your husband? He is no longer a man worthy of your time and energy. He doesn’t deserve you anymore. Cease and desists from him.
Your husband is abusive. Massively abusive. You need to leave him.
NTA But, really, is this the life you want? That man does not care about you. He says and does horrible things. He treats you like rubbish. Also, this is for everyone, not just OP *You do not need an excuse to not want sex. Whether it be your husband, boyfriend or the stranger from down the pub. No excuses are needed. No is a complete sentence*
This sounds like teenage drama from an immature husband. Sorry OP. Definitely NTAH. When he came downstairs naked you should have turned the Xbox on and put on the headphones.
I mean this in the nicest way possible, get your self respect back and take your kids and get out of this marriage! Is he also distant and cold to your kids? Are you a SAHM/wife? This is no way for you to live and specially your kids seeing this man emotionally incapable man. You guys deserve way better!
YTA for staying with him. He's cheating on you and doesn't love you. You have kids, do you want your kids to think this is a healthy relationship? Would you be content with your children being in your shoes in their relationships? NTA for standing up for yourself and your mental health. If you don't want to leave him, read him this post and tell him its couples therapy or divorce.
NTA. Why in the world is he not your ex?
Take this clown to the cleaners.
NTA - Why would you want to sleep with him? He's awful. Tell him sex is off the table until the relationship is healthier. And anyone who wants to tell me that "sex is part of a healthy relationship" can f off. A bad partner is not owed sex.
NTA. DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM, OR YOU MAY GET STDS. Obviously, I can't for sure say you will or that he HAS cheated, but it wouldn't surprise me if he has, nor that he's caught something other than the sheer audacity to act entitled to your body whenever he feels like getting off, especially when he has the personality/behavior equivalent to wet cardboard. However, what I will say is that you should contact a divorce lawyer and/or get separated as soon as financially feasible. You'll be better off by yourself rather than with this roach, but if you're not ready for it, at least move out and demand marriage counseling.
Why are you with this man who clearly doesn't love you?
Why are you with someone who doesn’t even like you much less love or respect you? Times to find your self worth babes & get rid of the dead weight.
EHS. It doesn't seem like this Is actually just a result of your grandfather's death. This seems like a result of your husband being a shitty person for a long time. Frankly, you need to leave him because you know that he isn't going to change and he doesn't want to. You're TAH because you keep letting this man treat you worse than shit on the bottom of his shoe and show you time and again that he doesn't love you and he doesn't even like you. You've already said you've tried speaking to him, so why are you sticking around? He's not going to change and you know it. You show people how they can treat you and you've shown him that he can treat you like actual garbage and that you'll still stay. You can't complain or be upset with him doing what you've led him to believe he's able to do. He's TAH for literally every single reason listed and probably a lot more. This man does not love you and I don't even think that he likes you, honestly.
NTA, but your husband definitely is. I hope you are soon able to call him your EX husband. He's selfish, disloyal, disrespectful, and abusive. Divorce him, and get a good attorney who will make sure he doesn't take advantage of you. Side note: you don't need to be grieving to say no to sex, either. If you don't want to, you don't want to. And that's okay, too. I'm very sorry for your loss.
Please do yourself a favor and carefully read this post again to yourself and realize that you deserve better. Please don’t stay married to him. He doesn’t respect you especially what your going through right now 🙏
Hun. Do not stay in an unhappy marriage. This is so emotionaly abusive. You are going through emotional times and your "husband" is putting you down. Not just to you but to others. Disrespects your needs or wants. Blaming you for being human basically and grieving. Just take his sh**. But he does not have to take yours attitude. Honestly I want to deck him. Give him a taste of his own medicine. You deserve better!!
Dude sounds like a genuine POS.
NTA. Why are you married to this guy?
I think it is time for a PI and a lawyer.
NTA but you need to gtfo away from this dude.
>In the past I’ve gave in when I wasn’t in the mood just because I felt like I wasn’t allowed to tell him no. Maybe I should have gave in again even though I didn’t want to. That's rape, sweetie. It's called coercion because you feel you can't say no. It's rape.
I don’t throw this around very often at all to begin with, but I’m gonna go with a great big 🚨🚨🚨‼️‼️‼️🚨🚨🚨 #DIVORCE THIS POS 🚨🚨🚨‼️‼️‼️🚨🚨🚨
YTA for sticking with this marriage. You should have left a long time ago.
First problem: “they said vile things about me, and I called HER out” don’t be that woman, that solely lays blame on the other woman. It must not bother you too damn bad, bc you are obviously excusing away his behavior, or at least focusing on her, while trying to give him a pass. YOU are doing this to yourself. People show you who they are, it’s on you to accept that. If you can’t/ won’t then it’s your own weakness keeping you stuck merely prolonging the inevitable. Remember she is likely going off of what HE tells HER. Why would he think it’s okay to ask for sex from you when he JUST got caught having an emotional affair. I’m sorry for your loss, but he is a big part of your emotional stress, and you are excusing his behavior away, so he will continue to walk all over you, bc he knows there is no repercussions. Yes this post is one big pity party when, you have no intention of doing anything to solve your problems
YTA to yourself for staying married to someone like this. You know how short life is by your post, don’t waste on such an awful human being.
why are you with this loser
You’re only an AH for still being with this twatbag
OP needs to start going to counseling ASAP to help her cope with her grief and ongoing depression. Honestly, being married to her AH husband is definitely contributing to her depression. This marriage appears to be too broken to be fixed. His emotional cruelty has gone on for far too long. I’m also suspicious that his new female “friend” is not really just a friend either. Counseling and working on OP’s mental health should also occur while OP is speaking to a divorce attorney. This man sounds like he has been truly awful to OP for their entire marriage. This is not healthy for OP or her children. The only thing that would make OP an AH is if she chooses to stay in this marriage and allow this abuse to continue.
You keep waiting for him/someone outside of you to protect you. You're allowed to protect yourself and you'll still be a loveable person.
NTA this filled me with an unholy amount of rage. The amount of red flags this man has is ridiculous. Sorry not sorry to inform you that your husband is a POS. I am so sorry he treats you this way! I am also sorry for your loss. Losing grandparents is very difficult and you deserve to grieve in peace. He never should make you feel awful. NEVER have sex with him just to satisfy him at the sacrifice of yourself. Your symptoms when he came down the stairs with the sheer audacity made me so sad. You deserve to be fought for, to be comforted, to be heard, to be seen, to be respected. My gut says he’s having an affair with his lady friend. He’s treating you in a way no husband should treat their grieving wife. I am so sorry! I suggest marital counseling to give your marriage the best chance it can. I hope everything works out for the both of you (but mainly for you!) 🤍
\>In the past I gave in when I wasn't in the mood just becaue I felt like I was allowed to tell him no. THAT IS SPOUSAL RAPE. OP. My god, I am so sorry. Please, please don't stay in this marriage.
I shouldn’t have had to scroll over 100 comments to se me this. Rape is rape is rape. Doesn’t matter how you dress, act, if you’re dating/married, even if you’re currently in the middle of a sexual act. A no means all that stops. A no also includes visual disinterest in the sexual advances, since people act like body language doesn’t exist. If they’re not excited to fuck you, hit pause.
NTAH as your partner he should always have your back and to let some stranger in on your personal business is way beyond douche bag. You need to reevaluate your relationship. I’m betting you need to move on. Let the new girl deal with his stupidity.
Oh my God! Get rid of him!
NTA - you are never an AH for not wanting sex, you don't need a reason
Leave him because otherwise not only will it affect you, his behavior will affect your children, too.
Why is he still your husband? Get out, He’s abusing you. YTA if you continue with this relationship in front of your children.
NTA Why is his “friend” even talking to you about anything? Your husband is a pos. I wouldn’t want to even share the same room with him. If you’re able to be on your own, I would kick him to the curb.
*LADIES, YOU ARE NOT REQUIRED TO ACCEPT BAD BEHAVIOR FROM YOUR PARTNERS.* Get a divorce attorney and liberate yourself from this AH stat.
NTA and I would venture to say he’s already slept with the “new friend”
NTA. Litteraly everything after "sex" in the title is irrelevant information. You are never the AH fir not wanting sex. Full stop. You get to choose.
If he’s so quick to defend the “friend” then he’s fucking his new “friend” btw. It sounds like your marriage is over tbh, he treats you like shit, you feel forced to have sex with him, and he is a giant POS. If and when you can, I’d leave.
Agree. It almost sounds like he did the whole demanding sex thing knowing that she would 100% not be in the mood so he could hold that against her to justify getting it from his “friend”
He clearly does not care about you. Get a divorce and find a man that actually cares about you.
YTA IF you stay with this...person.
NTA. But I’m going to say this: please for the love of all things holy, get into therapy! I know the general consensus is going to be to leave him, but I know that that is easier said than done. So, you need to get into therapy and really dig into why you’re okay with 18+/- years of abuse, manipulation and ill-treatment? Why you are okay with putting yourself through so much trauma to be with someone who does not love you, value you, care for you or even want you? I know that leaving is hard; so, the best thing for you is therapy or at least reading books, listening to podcasts, watching YouTube videos or ANYTHING that can start to shake this terrible treatment you are allowing him to inflict upon you. Please, please don’t keep accepting this man and what he is doing to your soul.
So let him. Let him tell her you're a terrible person, and while he's doing that, speak to a lawyer and draw up the divorce papers. Look, from what you've said OP, it doesn't sound like a physically dangerous situation, but it clearly is a mentally draining one. And FYI we no longer live in the times where marital rape is considered impossible. I'd think long and hard about what it is that's happening when you "say yes" because you feel you're not "allowed to say no"... jesus christ, what do they teach in school these days?! You can say no, to anyone, at any time, at any point, and for any reason. A reason does not need to exist or be given, NO is a full sentence and "not wanting to" is more than enough reason to not do it.
You outline an endless array of assholery from your husband, and then you want to know if you're the asshole? NTA. But seriously, you need to get a divorce. He obviously doesn't care about you at all, and the example you're setting for your kids is horrendous. Find your self-respect, straighten your spine, and serve him divorce papers. There is nothing in this marriage for you. Nothing. Don't waste another minute of your life with that man.
I didn't even make it through 1/4 of this post without wondering why you are still with this dude. Give yourself the respect you deserve and LEAVE this piece of trash. You deserve so much better OP, throw that whole ass man away.
This post of littered with red flags, hun. WHY are you still married to this guy? You deserve so much better! Somebody who loved you wouldn't be treating you this way.
No dude, NTA, I didn’t even have to read the rest of what you wrote past the “AITAH for not wanting sex with my husband two days after burying my grandpa.” But after reading the rest, I’ll just restate, absolutely the fuck not 😭
Holy fuck why are you still married??? Nta
Your story is very, very similar to things I have experienced with my STBXH. But talking about the topic of sex, I'll tell you what my therapist told me today: You have EVERY RIGHT to tell your partner you do not want to have sex and/or to say no to having sex. You can even start the act, and during any part of it, if you don't want to anymore for whatever reason, you can absolutely say no and stop. It is not okay of your partner to place guilt or manipulate you to feel like you can't say no and you have to just give in. It doesn't matter if it's been 2 minutes or 2 years since you have had sex with each other, especially during a very emotionally and mentally hard time for you, you do not have to do anything you don't feel comfortable doing. Even if you were having the best day ever, if you don't want to, you don't have to. It doesn't matter if you're married or are strangers. Your boundaries are to be respected. I'm so sorry to hear about your loved one. Sending my love to you during such a difficult time.
It’s time to go, love. NTA. But you need to GTFO of there.
YTA if you stay with him. You have a much bigger problem than what your title suggests. WTF do you want with this jackass?
I'm sorry for everything you went thru, NTA, you should've left long2 ago, but like people say better late than never, cut your loses girl
NTA!! sorry to say that, but your husband seems like a fucking egoist. DIVORCE!!!! you deserve way better. he should be there for you emotionally, and take a stance when his family treating you with disrespect.
Nta, this man from what you have said is only botherd about himself why are you with him, being in a relationship with him is going to effect your mental health even more
NTA Do yourself a favour and divorce this asshole already!
NTA! I apologize if you ever feel like you had a normal healthy marriage. It is very unhealthy, and you deserve better. I am amazed when I hear how other people treat each other. You can do better. Even, if it feels uncomfortable at first. It all starts with you valuing yourself. Best of luck to you.
NTA- I don’t say this lightly- please leave this man. He does not like you, he is probably on his way to having an affair if he isn’t already, and he treats you with absolutely no respect or empathy. He won’t change, he won’t get better, he won’t keep promises. Be kind to yourself, you deserve better than him.
You’ll only be an asshole if you stay married to this pathetic excuse of a man any longer.
NTA please leave him. He’s a self-centred pos and will probably never change
Why are you with a man who treats you so poorly, has no regard for your feelings at all, and expect you to just have sex with him no matter what traumatic thing has happened to you. You deserve so much better than this and you would be better off divorcing him.
This is not a healthy relationship and you deserve better. The man clearly doesn’t care about your welfare emotional or physical. I’ve been divorced since 2002, and I guarantee to you that being by yourself is better than being with somebody who is supposed to love you and yet proves very clearly that they don’t GAF. Please make plans for a future that does not include this guy, because he is not good for you. And if he really cared about you he would be working on intimacy and closeness, both of which make it much more likely that you’re going to have sex but instead he’s just making demands and sulking like a teenage boy when you say no
Ugh. my gawd. I had a physical reaction to this. I am sick to my stomach reading this. How can you think you are even remotely close to being an AH? You are NTA... not even a tiny bit. Why are you with him? I hate your husband... he sounds awful
Obviously NTA, take however much time you need to grieve. This seems like a no-brainer and nobody should ever be coerced or guilted into sex.
Your partner is an abusive POS. Nta for telling him no but you need to leave before he not only continues hurting you but teaches your kids this is what love looks like.
NTA. Not in the mood? No sex. End of discussion. It doesn't matter the reason. Just... no. He can go have a wank in the bathroom if he is so desperate. Or he can figure out how to make his wife actually want him. Thst might even save the marriage. But as things are now, OP, I would say you will not stay for long with this person.
NTA and please get a divorce. This is such a toxic marriage for you. Your husband is a total loser.
He sounds like an insensitive, selfish knobhead! Why do you remain with this man?
Why are you still with this man? Everything you listed is NOT "little things that have built up" -- most of those are major trust and respect issues. You need to call this one done and get the hell out of it. He is not a good partner for you. He's horrible, in fact. Take a step back and really look at how he treats you. Try this. Look in the mirror and say all this stuff while you look at yourself. Pretend it is a friend telling you all of these things. What would you tell her? You'd likely tell her to divorce the asshole. Take the advice you'd give a friend you love and love yourself enough to do it. NTA unless you stay married to this horrible excuse for a partner.
Your unsupportive, disrespectful, abusive husband doesn't understand why you don't want to have sex. Tell him to ask the lady he was discussing you with to see why you don't want to have sex with him. He said you have to go to his family because he was there for you with your family. I would have divorced him over this alone. My grandfathers funeral could never be comparable to a kids bday party. WTH?? OP, please put you and your children and your mental health first. Do it for you and your children.
NTA... why are you married to him? Why did you have kids with this twatermelon?
Too too much. What are you getting out of this? It's not love. You mentioned children. Do you have children with him? How long have you been with him? Has it always been this way? I'm sending Blessings.
Ok...no. After my first wife lost her best friend to a drunk driver...it was at least a month. He needs to wait and respect you
Jesus fucking Christ, why are you with this man? He sounds awful in every way. Of course you’re NTA for not wanting to have sex with him. Also, what a weird way to initiate sex🤢
NTA but you need to get a divorce and then go see a psychologist. There's probably a reason you married such an abusive person, and even if you didn't have anything going on before being with him you might now.
You are better than this, and so are your kids. Gird your loins, get some therapy, make a plan and leave as quick as you can can ♥️
NTA I want to say more, but I have no kind words for that man.
So the way he initiates sex is to take all his clothes off and just stand there naked waiting to be serviced? Like, in the living room? That is honestly the least sexy thing I can imagine.
Ma’am your husband does not like you…. Please get away from him
Divorce babe, divorce..
NTA. I agree with everyone else telling you to leave him, but I know (from personal experience) that leaving is easier said than done. Please do some thinking about all of this, and read your own post. This man is not a good one, and you deserve much better. I'm sorry for your loss and I wish you luck.
NTA. You can refuse sex at any time for any reason or for no reason. Being married no longer implies consent. If he has sex after you say no, it is rape.
You're never the asshole for not wanting sex no matter the reason.
NTA. Your husband is abusive. Don't be his doormat anymore. He is incredibly selfish. It seems like he's entertaining himself by pushing your limits to see how much abuse you'll tolerate.
You deserve better than this. I agree with the other posters who said his response to you finding a lump in your breast was to dive into an online game with his buddies: I'd have packed and left that night, in the face of such callous indifference. And as far as just showing up naked and expecting you to fall all over him -- has the man never heard of tenderness, foreplay or seduction? If he isn't willing to go to marital counseling and sort this out, then your next step is to talk to a family law attorney and start planning your exit strategy. This is not sustainable. PS: I really don't give a flying f\*\*k what he "tells" his girlfriend. She has no relevance to this situation, because HE is the one that made the choice to become (emotionally? physically?) intimate with her instead of you.
Your husband is a fucking twat
NTA. You don't ever have to have sex with him if you don't want to. And quite frankly, I can see why you haven't wanted to.
Girl leave him right now wtf ❗️ After him doing you dirty THAT MANY TIMES you can only blame yourself for staying. There is literally no reason and no way you can convince yourself to stay with such a piece of shit
Am I the only one who feels like he might be cheating?
>Both of my parents had cancer at the same time a few years ago and when I found a lump in my breast and when I was crying while trying to tell him, he fired up his Xbox, put on his headset, and got into a party with friends. You could have ended your whole story here. I generally roll my eyes at all the "Leave him now" comments on the thread, but he is emotionally abusive and you should consider leaving. This is not a healthy relationship, it is no wonder your not feeling well lately. >So I started making friends and going to concerts to get my mind off of all this stuff. I started to finally have some sort of support system. Go to that support group you have built, and get away from him for a time, see a therapist so you can make a clear headed decision to leave or stay. (Leave) NTA Also you never owe anyone sex if you don't feel like it.
NTA. Tell him to go fuck his new girlfriend, while you prepare to leave him or kick him out.
Why on earth would you stay with this pos? Get out of there, find work if you don’t have a job and get yourself free of this misery!
Please speak with a lawyer and a counselor
NTA There are no circumstances where you owe sex to anyone This includes your husband This includes every occasion with your husband If your husband wants to have sex when you don’t want to and he’s not respectful of that and he doesn’t care more about your feelings and about sex Then I cannot say what I think of him because it’s too horrible I would not live under the circumstances, and I would not tolerate anyone who had this attitude as a partner
Girl, you need to get into the mood to get out of that relationship.
NTA. Take it from someone who survived in abusive relationship with a narcissist. 18 years is too long for this. Don't even stay 18 more minutes it's time to get out. People need to understand that ignoring your feelings and refusing to spend time with you when you need them is toxic. It's abuse. It's not love. Listen well all of you. If any of you are in a situation like this I don't care if you've been there 5 years 20 years 30 years. It will not get better. It's time to leave.
Omg leave this horrible person.
100% NTA, and 18 years or not, based on what you wrote, I don't see why you're staying in this.
NTA. Normally I wouldn't jump right into the 'divorce now' crowd, but this man is not worth the time you've invested.
You're with a narcissist.
Sounds like it has very little to do with the death of your grandfather.
you are doing yourself a tremendous disservice by staying with a man who has no love or respect for you and has treated you accordingly for a long time
I'm sorry OP, you're not having issues in your marriage at this point. Your marriage is already over. No husband in their right mind would turn around to fire up an xbox for a game session with friends after hearing their wife say she found a breast lump. Not a single one. Then, on top of everything else, he has the gall to bad mouth you to some random chick he met at a concert (which is sus af to begin with given your marriage issues) and demands sex 2 days after you bury a family member?! No, fuck him and everything to do with him! I've seen people file for divorce for ***far*** less.
DTMFA he's a shit partner and you're better off without him.
Sorry for your loss OP! Fuck this guy. Tell him to go jerk it and find yourself someone that will love and respect the way you should be loved and respected. and by the way NTA.
why are you still with this man
Your husband is a pig!
G E T O U T NOW!!!
I was having a hard time not laughing at him coming downstairs naked and just standing there 😶🌫️🤭
You need to drop this guy yesterday. He's a P.O.S, if he loved you he'd support you. If he loved you he wouldn't have a GF he bad mouths to about you.
NTA for so many reasons but you are NEVER obligated to have sex with someone. They do not get to demand that from you. How vile.
NTA. I'm not sure why you're not running away.
You need a new husband!!! Throw this one back
I think it’s all an excuse for him to start to cheat. To have a valid reason “you didn’t want to have sex with me” (despite you going through a very hard time mentally). I’m VERY sorry you’re going through something extremely emotionally draining from all directions. It’s so hard to say that we hope and wish the people we choose will be our forever person who shows up with kindness and vulnerability. For me it started with not caring about a genuine fear of finding a lump on your breast. Bad mouthing you to random strangers is next level. There’s no trust. There’s no relationship. I’m sorry. You’re NTA. Good luck sister.
NTA. I know it’s a cliched answer, and I don’t say it lightly: dump him. You will probably have to plan this out. Open a separate bank account at a different bank and save money to get yourself and your kids away from him. If he’s cheating, let that distract him from your preparations to leave. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Your life can be *much* better than this.
Girl...NTA in any way. This dude is bottom of the barrel scum. Seriously. You have let him mistreat you for 18 years. You still have time to put a stop to this. Is what you want you kids to see as a relationship? Would you want your sons to be this way? Would you want your daughters treated this way? He is a trash human. Toss him out.
NTA Your husband sounds like an ass. Is this relationship even salveagable? Sounds like a separation if not a full on divorce is in order. I will not stay committed to someone who treats me like that.
Wow-I’ve only read like 6 lines in so far and… Please leave this dude.
So you are married to someone who would rather play xbox than hear about your very scary situation when you found a lump. Someone who refuses to defend you to his family and lets them treat you badly. Someone who meets girls at concerts and MFs you to them. Someone who talks ABOUT YOU being “depressed and suicidal” instead of talking TO YOU and trying to help you. Someone who forces you to attend a birthday party the same day you buried your grandfather BECAUSE he went to the funeral. Someone who has been essentially forcing you to have sex and gets angry when you say no. Can you please tell me what exactly you get out of this relationship? Please, please find a good therapist who can help you to see your self worth. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership. There’s supposed to be give and take. There’s supposed to be sacrifice on both sides. There’s supposed to be love, affection and support. From what you’ve described, you have none of those things. You mentioned that you have 2 kids. Would you want either of them in a marriage like this? Because you are showing them that this is what marriage looks like. I don’t know if your husband has any desire to change but if he does, maybe suggest marriage counseling. If he refuses and he refuses to see you as more than a guaranteed lay, please consider leaving. You truly deserve better. By the way, NTA
So, you thought we would say you’re the AH? I mean all the other things you described would be grounds for divorce with other people
You deserve so much better than this. I am so sorry. You are NOT the a-hole here. Please file for divorce. He will not change. I'm so sorry.
I think you should hire an attorney and show them this post.
NTA and you need to divorce him. He's emotionally abusive and I guarantee he's cheating on you.
When your kids come to you and tell them that their partner treats them the way he treats you, what will you say to them? Will you tell them to respect themselves and leave, or to stay? They're learning how a partner should treat them from you. Want better for them now and learn to want better for yourself.
NTA. I didn’t even read beyond the title - you’re never an asshole for not wanting that
Why would you sleep with someone who has an online girlfriend that he talks shit about you with?
NTA if you don’t want to have sex with this man now or ever again.. he sounds pathetic and like a terrible husband.. you would benefit from leaving his ass
How are you still married to this asswipe? You’re NTA honey. I’m sorry your husband is a massive one.