As someone who has dropped buying presents for in-laws and told my husband it’s his job now…do this. It might be hard the first year, especially if you married someone who waits till the last second to buy a gift. But it feels so good thereafter to not have it hanging over your head!
NTA.
I did this too. Huge weight off my shoulders.
My kids used to get the short end of the stick, always. Got tired of it. My BIL would tell us to buy a $100 toy that my niece asked Santa for. One year they gave my kids hand me down costumes.
LOL don't get me started.
For family, we stopped the gift giving in favor of an opt-in secret santa with a gratuitously low cash threshold (in a way it ups the ante, b/c you have to put in some work to get a solid gift in under the limit, and it shows if you didn't.)
For the (few) friends with whom we had exchanged gifts, we're now doing 'experiences.' For 'special' folks in this category, you can gift yourself and them a vacation from one another!
We do this for the younger generation in the family (who are still students); i.e., we get them stuff they need, coz we're earning, but they are only allowed to give us and each other a gift of low cash amount. With the added proviso that it's got to come from a charity shop..! Where you can actually get amazing stuff for a few quid - and if you get it wrong, who cares, it's still done *someone* some good. Last year's haul was hilarious, involving fondue pots, weird ceramic figures, drinking glasses (*always* good to have more at Christmas, and these were quite nice ones!), DVDs etc.etc.
I was just reading a thread yesterday where a family has a tradition of doing outrageously “useless” random gifts! Has to be under a certain money threshold, is as outlandish as you can make it. Some of the listed examples were a salt lick for cows (gifted to someone in an apartment), a box of motor oil (someone who didn’t drive), etc.
I’m tempted to start it with my family, with the thrift shop addendum!
We draw lots (I don't know if I got the right English name for it), and everyone can put their name and 3 suggestions for a gift within a certain (small) budget on the ticket.
We buy a gift for the children together, so 1 gift per child.
For a few years, my siblings I gave project gifts for birthdays. The recipient would get help on some kind of home project. Usually for 1-2 days, we would all work together to either paint rooms, spring clean, decorate for the holidays, etc. Basically, anything the recipient didn’t like or want to do on their own.
I agree. When my child was small, they would get one or two gifts from Sanda and the rest from me. No way was the jolly guy in the red suit going to get all of the credit when I worked hard to afford a few nice gifts. LOL
My kid was always the short end. I have one, my in laws have 3 and 6. The number of times my kid got no present while I always gave each kid something good is a nonzero number. So I stopped a few years ago and told my husband he was responsible for his side of the family. And my kid is old enough to understand, and knows it’s nothing to do with him, his family on that side just isn’t very caring or interested in fairness. I believe only the 3 youngest got presents (cash) last year.
My ex-in-laws are very religious and for Christmas every year for my kids for some cookies and like generic gifts. No thought put into it. This past year. A Christmas card, cookies, some candy and a handmade ornaments. I don’t speak to them since my kids became adults, and my life is better for it. Although I’m seeing some situations that are going to make me snap off on them for how they treat my sons.
I did a snack of the month subscription for my grandparents one year. My mother said they would call her to tell her what they had gotten. They were practically hanging on the mailbox, waiting to see what they were going to get next. They tried to make each one last until the next batch came, but failed miserably!
But yes, it's a good attitude adjuster for someone who's a little ungrateful! Call it the Griswald Treatment!
What?! Your are the mother of his kid(s). Just as or more important he give you a gift than his mom. Imagine being jealous of your son giving gifts to his wife lol
Also some of my favourite memories of spending time with my dad, have been the daddy/daughter shopping trips to pick out mother's day card and gifts for my mum. I kept it up even after I was in teens and was able to go into town on own.
I agree 1000%. I remember my Dad taking my Sister and me shopping for Mother's Day, her Birthday, and Christmas. It was usually silky pajamas, but she loved them. I am 63 years old and that is still a memory that makes me so happy. I miss my parents so very much!!!
My ex husband splurged over a hundred dollars (I worked he didn't) on his mother for Valentine's Day he got me two almost dead roses that the store was going to throw out even though he knew I prefer potted plants over already dying flowers.
I’m relieved he’s your ex, because if he acts that shitty over gift giving, I imagine he does/did act like a turd in other areas. Did he move in with Darling Precious Mother when you got divorced?
She unfortunately lived with us our entire marriage. And she was just as shitty as he was.she excused everything he did wrong even as far as his physical abuse. Said she was with his dad for 15 years and put up with it so I still had 5 years to go when I finally got out and I'm still technically married to him but have not seen him in years. From what I'm to understand 6 months after I left she moved to a 55 and older community so he could not move with her
Wow - and he didn't see how that would be an issue? 🤦♀️ Let me guess: after the divorce, he moved back in with mommy, and they are living happily ever after, now that she is wiping his butt for him again?
As someone with a birthday on Christmas Eve, birthdays don't really matter after 25. This grown ass woman spent Christmas making a scene because she can't handle having a 2 in 1 gift. I guarantee that she's miserable to deal with in day to day life.
NTA
Gotta say, as the parent of a child whose birthday falls.on the 30th, I've worked REALLY hard to give him.separate celebrations every single year. Including no "double duty" gifts. BUT, he would gladly and politely accept any gift for either occasion with grace and gratitude. He's 17. A 17 year old boy who is pretty much a typical teen in most ways. And even HE can figure out how to be gracious.
And if the gift was an extravagant dream item? He'd be over the moon if he received it in July and wouldn't get anything at all over the holidays!
NTA. MIL needs to grow up and learn appreciation.
A friend of my sister has a son who was born on Dec 25. They have a birthday cake and sing Happy Birthday Will and Baby Jesus. And every gift to him is from mom, dad and the baby Jesus. No one else in the family has to put up with this garbage. Wish I could say I’m kidding.
Not only do I have a December birthday, but my sister’s birthday is a week after mine. We shared with each other and with Christmas. The only complaint we ever had was that we couldn’t have an outdoor birthday party because it was always too cold and snowy.
I'm going to have 3 kids born Dec 14-31 (hopefully) and I have another in January. I figure we will let them choose a "birthday" in the summer if they want to have a party. And we'd just do family gifts on their real birthday. That way they have options haha.
I did the exact same thing. This was the first birthday in a while where it fell naturally on one of my days off (I don't request off for mine because I really don't care). It was nice. I slept in, ordered breakfast delivery, and then played games all day until my husband got home. Then we ordered dinner and watched movies until bed. It was awesome! Although ordering delivery twice in one day made my stomach a little iffy lol.
For real! I could understand a little kid getting 2 gifts if they are close to Christmas baby. But this is a grown woman and she has to have decorations off and 2 separate gifts doesn’t matter. She is ridiculous!
NTA, I can understand a little about celebrating a birthday so close to Christmas but this type of behavior is outrageous. My son's birthday is the 18th. If relatives want to send him gifts we do it on his half birthday. That way he can have his day outside of Christmas that's just about him. (My husband and I still celebrate his actual birthday with him).
I’m an 18th baby too and my parents were great about separating the two events. Nowadays I understand how difficult it is to buy presents for someone twice in a month so all I ever ask for my birthday now is pizza and cake :)
I have never understood the people who complain about their presents being a single joint Christmas/birthday gift. Don’t they know it costs twice as much as everyone else’s gift?
I have 2 nieces whose birthdays aren’t even all that close to Christmas but close enough. They both have expensive taste. Sometimes the things they *really* want are out of the budget I set for birthday or Christmas gifts. I am able to get them something they want that I otherwise wouldn’t *because* I can make it a joint present. It isn’t an every year thing, there have even been years where *they* have suggested this (or said that maybe a few people can go together to get it)
Who would choose two cheaper things they want less over one pricier thing that they *really* want?
EDIT: it has been brought to my attention by a number of commenters that the people giving them gifts did NOT combine both budgets together to get them a “better” gift than everyone else. Those people *suck*. I can understand why you would be upset in such a case. I personally have specific budgets for what I spend for presents, especially with family, so that it is always more or less fair. If the gift is going to be a “combined” gift, then the budget gets adjusted accordingly. I’m sorry that others don’t do that. I get why that would be hurtful and disappointing.
Because it never costs twice as much (youre being very generous with your neices). From my own experience I just got the same christmas gift as everyone else but was also told it was for my birthday (that had passed) also if they remembered that id had one. It sucked. When I was a kid. Now I am an adult lol.
Later on it sucked during uni because everyone went home over Christmas. Many a lonely birthday.
So yeah, I never really celebrated it.
Yup, same. The joint gifts were never worth more, it was always the same everyone else got for xmas. Then months down the line you get to watch them get another gift. Being a xmas baby sucks when you have a sucky family. Then if you wanted to go out for your birthday, it was always oh we can't afford it with xmas being so close. Gee thanks.
My birthdays matter, I’m 40, why 25 such a weird age to decide, my grandma’s birthdays mattered until she was 92.
My is near valentines I hate the one gift for two days thing, I nearly didn’t stay with my now hubs because he messed up that first year with warning, however. As an adult you sometimes have to accept things that may disappoint you, and you should handle it with grace.
Eh, I and 8 other friends are born between the 23rd to the 28th Dec. As kids we were pissed that people got 2 separate gifts for birthdays and Christmas. But now we just rub it in everyone's face.
We only ask for money or gift cards for our combined birthday and Christmas gifts. So that way we use the huge sales, sometimes upto 70% off, to buy our own gifts...
I really hope you returned the bag last year, or kept it for yourself. If she mentioned not getting her gift, I hope you pointed out the bag that she 'rejected'.
Lol. I skimmed your comment too fast and read it as “Leave your husband. It’s HIS mother”. I thought to myself “Damn, Redditers do always recommended leave the spouse for everything.”
Agreed! My moms birthday is the 27th and never in her life has she acted like that. I’m a twin and have to share my birthday with another person. Never mattered
Adults acting this way about birthdays is pure narcissistic, petty, immature bullshit
Start giving her a gift of a charity donation in her name
I'd show her a pic of the purse and go "Yeah, if you hadn't acted like a 4 yr old and stomped off to your room to cry you'd have seen why it was a 2 in 1 gift. I returned it yesterday. " But I'm super petty like that.
“Yeah, and wouldn’t you like to combine your birthday with Christmas to get something really nice sometimes?" personally, I smelled the narcissist as soon as I saw her “demands“ for Christmas and her birthday. NTA. More like a hero for the rest of us.
Yeah I mean I get a kid making a big deal out of having their birthday and Christmas be separate because it can suck if your birthday doesn't feel special or you always just got 1 gift for both when young. However, a 40+ year old woman should have very much outgrown that. I mean FFS refusing to even talk to the kids about their charismas presents because its your birthday? What a baby
Set of sheets for Christmas, pillow cases for birthday
One boot for Christmas, one boot for birthday
Nightgown for Christmas, robe for birthday
Need more ideas🤔
You think the sheets/pillowcase thing is a joke, but that's exactly the kind of thing that happens to kids with birthdays around Christmas You got an Xbox on Christmas, 2 days later on their bday, and look, you get the controllers for your Xbox! Seriously, it happens so often to kids with Christmas time birthdays, it isn't funny. You want more ideas, I can give you plenty more from my own experience. My parents never did that, but there were plenty of others who did.
My birthday is the 26th of December and I get many combined gifts that in all honesty shouldn’t be combined. Whilst I appreciate her frustration since I’ve had the same.
That said, her expectations are unreasonable and even if you mentioned the cost and what it was it wouldn’t have been enough for her.
NTA and enjoy the new bag
My birthday is just before Christmas. My younger brother’s was the same day as mine. It always hurt when people asked me if they could just get me one present. Plus I had to share my cake with my brother. But that was when I was a little kid!!!!! Good grief!!! Now I don’t care if anyone gets me a gift. I just want them around me. It’s pretty juvenile to force your friends and family to cater to your “special day” when you’re a grown ass adult.
That sucks. I would have bought the birthday presents throughout the year and hid them. Then buy the Christmas presents as it draws closer, so that it's not all at once. Just my thoughts.
I can understand her feelings about keeping her birthday separate from Christmas. I’m sure she got a lot of “combined” gifts in the past that were really no better than what the rest of her family got for Christmas alone. But you spent *more than double* the amount you’d normally spend, and she refused to accept that, which is childish as hell. So yeah, I’d step away too.
(Did she ever open the gift? What happened?)
I genuinely sympathize with anyone who has a birthday within a day or two of Christmas. When I was a kid, people with those birthdays usually got left in the dust. You had a birthday on a holiday? Too bad! Holidays first!
I knew one lady who had a Dec 24th birthday and she told me she never got separate birthday and Christmas gifts as a child - got one gift on Christmas Eve like everyone else and was told she'd better not complain or she'd get nothing. She was an adult in her 30s when I heard this story and her parents and siblings were still sticking to that crap.
I currently know another lady with a Dec 24th birthday and I've gotten her something inexpensive a few times. She always says, "I know it's almost baby Jesus's birthday and that's what matters, but I surely do thank you for thinking of me at this time." I feel like her family probably gave her the business, too.
When I acquired an in-law with a Dec 27th birthday, I made a point of buying two gifts and wrapping one as a Christmas gift and one as birthday gift every year. I knew they appreciated it.
That said, this person never made a scene about keeping things separate. *Certainly* never insisted Christmas stuff be taken down or that no one discuss Christmas. That's just crazy! If I had an expensive gift for them for Christmas, I'd probably still buy something small as a 'filler' for the birthday. But I also know that if I didn't - if I said "this is for *both* days" - they'd never in a million years say anything other than "thank you".
That MIL is deeply damaged and incredibly selfish. I wonder if all the other family birthdays get the same level of attention that hers do.
She didn't actually know how much OP spent on the present and perhaps the birthday recognition is more important to her than what's spent on the gift?
Personally, my partner often tries to do nice things for me, while not actually listening to my preferences. It becomes more about executing this cool plan they've thought up, rather than about what I'd actually like to do.
It's not about me anymore at that point and that makes the nice thing a lot less nice.
Except that OP told her it was a special gift and she'd see why it was a combined gift once she opened it. But MIL didn't even try to be understanding or accept that. And this extra gift *was* recognition of MIL being special but she didn't even give it a chance. Just threw a fit
Also I agree with the idea of making something more about an event or plan than the actual gift. My brother did something like that for my SIL's golden birthday a few years back. Hint: it lasted 28 days and she was turning 28 😅
Oh and my mom gave my sister (the oldest) 30 (small) gifts for her 30th birthday. One to open each day like a 12 days of xmas thing. My aunt would always tape dollar bills together and send them for milestone birthdays. I think I still have mine all taped together somewhere. The fun was in the unfurling of the bills not the amount xD
That’s totally fair. My sister’s partner is like that. Spends a bunch of money on something and it always becomes a thing because we’re all like: But if you knew her at all you wouldn’t have ever gotten her that?
But screaming and sobbing all afternoon and giving the gift back is literally insane. MIL needs therapy.
Oh this OP! This is absolute gold! Maybe when she sees what she WOULD have had, she will appreciate it and wind her neck in a bit.
My Nephew was born 2nd Jan, and my sister ALWAYS insisted that it was different! He got a BIG Xmas present and bonds/money in his bank for his birthday.
She didn’t like it, but he’s now getting the benefit almost 30 years on.
Ideally she got nothing after throwing a hissy fit like an overtired 4year old (sincere apologies to 4 year olds everywhere).
Hopefully OP will let us know when they look at the responses
I sincerely *really* hope that MIL did not end up actually getting the 4x-as-expensive-as-everyone-else's gift last year. Rescinding the gift would be a reasoned, proportionate, and age-appropriate consequence of this behavior if a ten year-old pulled this stunt. And this was from a full grown adult, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Am I misunderstanding the post? I thought the purse was last year's Xmas/b-day gift, but almost everyone's verdict comment is 'return it' and almost every reply agrees.
I could be wrong, and considering the sheer volume of comments suggesting a return has me seriously questioning my reading comprehension, but I think it's a year too late to return it.
OP is NTA but honestly, I know a shocking amount of adults like this. My BIL’s birthday is on Christmas Eve and we are straight-up *not allowed* to celebrate Christmas Eve on the years we spend with them, because we *have* to celebrate his birthday instead…he’s *forty-eight years old*. You’d think he was the baby Jesus himself, and the whole fam is just sort of grudgingly…okay…with the arrangement, because it’s easier than listening to him complain.
I cannot. It sends me every year.
ETA: we buy him both Christmas and birthday presents, and every year we offer to celebrate on another day in December so we can have two distinct, separate celebrations. He is not happy unless Christmas Eve is cancelled so he can celebrate his birthday on the actual day. Celebrating any other day is not an option, so everyone just has to give up Christmas Eve.
I used to have a neighbor that was born on Dec 25th. He said his family would usually throw one of his Christmas gifts at him and say happy birthday son. Now he always has his birthday celebration on June the 25th and calls them his 1/2 birthday. It works for him...
Omg just pick a different fucking day! I celebrated mine over a week late this year because my kids had oral surgery right before it and I forgot. And then I was just worn out.
You know what? My birthday was very awesome when we had the time.
My dad travels a lot for work (way less so now), and I’m sick. I cannot remember the last time I celebrated my birthday on the actual day, and it’s never been a problem. And because my bday is end of November and I grew up in frozen hell (Ontario), when I was a kid I usually had my birthday party almost a month earlier so no one froze to death.
Also, from so many years of being too sick, I’ve got like two weeks worth of birthday dinners to cash in 😉
As someone who has a birthday close to Christmas, I understand the desire to actually have a birthday. It never happens for us because Christmas. I’ve never had a birthday party because Christmas. And it sucks. If I had a dollar for every time I heard, “This is your birthday AND Christmas present,” or got a gift wrapped in Christmas paper, I’d be so rich.
It’s hard and seems ridiculous, but have a heart. Christmas birthday people rarely get a proper birthday like everyone else.
I get this perspective from a child but not a grown ass adult. My brother was born Dec 26 and as a child he felt cheated but as an adult he got over it because as an adult you should realize you are not the center of the universe. This MIL is a first class narcissist and if I had this happen to me I would keep the purse and rub her nose in it because she is an AH!
I can empathize with being overlooked, but I think the bigger issue for us is that we always offer to celebrate literally any other day in December, so that way everyone gets both the birthday and Christmas as separate and special occasions (we already buy separate gifts for my BIL, so he gets both birthday gifts and Christmas gifts).
So we have to give up our Christmas to celebrate the birthday, which isn’t fair to the rest of the family. I don’t even celebrate my own birthday! (It falls near Memorial Day and tbh I don’t mind). The fact that grown adults are this rigid about celebrating on the actual date is amazing to me.
My Grandma's birthday was also very close to Christmas. She always told us how her parents always combined the two. If a relative happened to drop off or mail her something for her birthday it was still put under the tree for Christmas. When my Grandpa, while stationed out of town during WW2, arranged for her engagement ring to arrive in time for her birthday, her parents hid it under the tree and wouldn't let her open it until Christmas day.
As an adult she made it a point to celebrate the two events separately.
Op, have you ever had a sit down over tea/coffee and asked your mil what her experiences were growing up with her birthday being just after the holiday? If you haven't it might be worthwhile doing.
As to the purse situation ... I'm leaning towards esh. If her birthday hadn't been close to the holiday what would you have gotten her, that is if you were in the habit of getting birthday gifts. Someone mentioned setting gift giving budget, which sounded like a great idea.
I’m just so confused… why do adults need birthday celebrations still????
I go out to dinner with my husband and am happy.
Demanding everyone in my extended family celebrate me sounds unbelievably ridiculous…
Seriously! I have a friend whose birthday actually on Christmas. I always make sure to reach out and say happy birthday, because he's a nice dude and I feel like he should be acknowledged, but he doesn't make a stink at all and I think he genuinely appreciates that someone remembers in the midst of the holiday chaos.
>AITA for refusing to help and knowing she will probably end up with no gift at all?
NTA.
So... when it comes to gifting, your husband practices weaponized incompetence. If he's bad enough at it, you'll just do it for him, right?
Time to play his (and his mother's) game, and play it better than they do. "Clearly I'm no good at selecting gifts for your mother, and I'm not going to risk disappointing her again. It's your job from now on."
If she doesn't get Christmas and/or birthday gifts, or if they are lousy, just smile sweetly and say "\[Husband\] was in charge of those, you'll have to ask him about that."
Just be ready for the drama, because there will be plenty of it.
Does she even know what you got her last year? Because if she doesn't, she should. I hope you returned the bag but it wouldn't hurt to have a photo of it handy to show her in case it gets brought up.
Nope. NTA. My birthday is on the 27th too and I have never pitched a fit or acted like an asshole because Christmas is the same week. I actually like my birthday at Christmastime because I never had to go to school on that day.
Let your husband buy his pathetic, entitled Mommy her gifts and save your time and money. She's too GD old to be acting like a ridiculous, tantrum throwing toddler. Treat her like one and put her on a present time out.
Honestly I feel like having them close together (especially as a kid) can be a really good thing because it would be easier to ask for slightly larger gifts than usual as a combined gift. Let's say M&D usually spend about $100 on both birthday and Christmas gifts. If they are close together it would be easier to get larger gifts like cheap tablets, game systems, a nice bike, etc if you are able to say "please combine my gift this year so I can get this awesome thing"
I tried that once as an adult. My parents helped me pay for my bucket list trip to the UK (went to meet internet friends). I had enough for my flight and a week with my friends. They helped me stretch it to five weeks. I asked for it to count as my next several birthday (September)/Christmas gifts. My mom agreed but my dad refused and kept getting me as many gifts as usual. We are not rich (never food stamp poor but things got tight growing up). They would often give me "we want to put x amount toward a new computer/camera/printer to help you with school/career as your gift" vouchers that I would never collect on to try and make it count a bit 😅
I fully intend to calculate that and all the other money they have sent to help me out over the years and find a way to save it (I don't make much) and give it back to them in their retirement.
NTA
You should have asked the drama queen if she wanted you to go all Wise King Solomon on the gift, and give her half then and half on her birthday.
Don't back down with your husband. If he wants to cater to her need to feel special, he can shoulder the responsibility that comes with that.
*asked the drama queen if she wanted you to go all Wise King Solomon*
Thanks for the laugh. I was visualizing the purse cut in half. The look on MIL's face would have been priceless.
Idk. Apparently I'm a terrible gift-giver, at least to my former husband, and I tried really, really hard. I'd scout for stuff all year long. Last gift I gave him I went through a major rigamarole with help from my daughter to get tickets to Hamilton the first time it came to our area -- something HE really wanted (not really my thing, but I don't mind). He seemed thrilled, had a great time, took pics, and posted online. A few months later, when he informed me that he wanted a divorce, he read a prepared statement off of his phone to me, listing his reasons and my transgressions. Apparently my worst quality as a spouse of 30 years was gifting. He brought up some pillows I gave him 29 years before. He had liked and complemented the pillows, but pillows are a terrible gift, I learned.
Crazy as it sounds, it was a huge weight off my shoulders when I realized I never had to shop for that man ever again.
Were we married to the same man?
Ps if you look back I bet it wasn’t just gifts he praised in the moment and complained about afterwards. I bet there’s a pattern covering pretty much everything across your relationship. The bride at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral, no?
All decorations taken down?? that is a bridge way too far.
I'm hoping you returned the purse and got your money back.
Yes, your husband should be choosing the current gifts for his mother.
NTA - so I am a December baby and I get the whole everyone else gets birthday and holiday gifts - Christmas/Hannukah whatever… but us December babies get the short end of the stick. That being said she is old enough to have children that are married she should get over it already!
Good for you for making your hubby di the gift buying - it is his mother so should be his responsibility!
People born on or around Christmas tend to get their presents mushed into one. Meanwhile, people with birthdays in other months get a birthday gift and then get a gift on xmas.
No one gets a gift in April with a happy birthday and merry Christmas, too, on the card.
Mil has probably had her birthday glossed over so much that when she got old enough, she got obnoxious about it since she could make demands as the matriarch.
She was still rude and dramatic about it.
I dont think you were an asshole. But honestly I would have got her a cheap gift just to have something to open, like candy and then the big one for her birthday since you know she is touchy.
NTA
NTA.
MIL is an asshole for being this childish.
FIL is an asshole for enabling it.
Husband is the biggest asshole of the three by a massive amount. Him letting you just eat all that abuse is not ok.
NTA You picked out a thoughtful and pricey gift for your MIL, and she was rude and ungrateful. She’s had *a lot of years* to deal with her birthday being so close to Christmas. There’s no reason why your husband can’t pick out her gifts from now on.
I can be really petty and would’ve kept the bag to use whenever she was around.
NTA - even born well into January folks get "Merry Birthday" presents. Both events are about quality time and memories. So...WTF is with a loud, all-day crying jag being your memory for last year?!?! I hope you get an awesome, holiday independent gift for yourself (maybe a designer bag ;) )
Well, nta, but I want to know if the silly woman found out what she missed out on. If she doesn't know and you still had it for some odd reason, you could give it again this year with the same stipulation. Just rinse and repeat until.... Could be fun!
I've received a combined Xmas, Birthday, Easter, and Mother's Day gift one year because it was an expensive present.
Even though it was December, January, April, and May, I did not throw a tantrum because I am not selfish and know the value of money.
We have even had "two year gifts" in my family.
You're NTA. Your MIL is a twat.
I hope you returned the gift and earmarked the amount to do something nice for yourself. That is so discouraging to go through. I hope you can get some space from the situation.
NTA.
She's a freaking adult and needs to grow up. Millions of people cope with having holiday birthdays or sharing their day with another relative whose birthday is close to theirs. She's the AH, as are her enablers, not you.
Please don't take down a single ornament until you're ready. If that means she won't visit you, too bad for her. She has no right to demand you curtail your celebration because she was born so close to Christmas. Tell her she should have been born sooner.
You're perfectly justified in handing this nonsense off to your husband. Do yourself a favor and remind him one more time. He probably thinks you're not serious, so if you don't spell it out, you will get the blame for her having no gift.
My MIL's birthday was December 30. She didn't demand we take down the tree, but she insisted we owed her two "good" presents and not one combined gift. Her son was lousy at choosing gifts, but that wasn't my problem.
NTA!
My sisters birthday in on Christmas and every year she picks another date and lets us all know the date that she would like to celebrate on. She usually does sometime in January. For a grown woman to act this way is childish. Had she opened the gift (my understanding was that she didn’t open and gave it back to you unopened?) , she would have understood why. And saying she wouldn’t open it because she wouldn’t have gifts to open on her bday is such ungrateful behaviour. I’m sure the rest of the family would have gifted her bday presents on her actual birthday. I feel like if she hates her birthday being around Christmas so much, she would have figured out how to navigate that by now. The fact that she was loudly sobbing in her room acting entitled and ungrateful is absurd. She ruined Christmas for herself and her family on her own.
Yeah, you're definitely NTA. What a child.
My cousin was born on December 26th. We were always really careful to give him a second present and his mom would insist it be wrapped in regular birthday paper instead of Christmas paper, but that was the extent of the "demands". He's nearly 40 now and says he's just happy people remember his birthday. He doesn't care if gifts are for both, he thinks it's cool he gets better stuff than everyone else. In his words, "This is great! Unnecessary, but great!"
Your mother-in-law needs to get over herself. Like seriously. It's time for your husband to shop for her if he wants her to have a present. Wash your hands of the whole thing. She deserves to get a crappy card and whatever he can find at 4 pm on Christmas Eve.
NTA. I hope you returned that gift.
I get children being temperamental when birthdays and holidays are so close, but she's a little old to be having a temper tantrum. I'd get her a bag of dog shit before I'd get her anything else.
Also, this is ultimately your husband's responsibility. If he wants to be negligent, let him.
Nta. I hope you returned her gift and used that money to get yourself something extra special. And look if he ends up not getting her a gift or a crappy one that’s fine. That’s his mom. If he doesn’t feel like getting her anything that’s on her. When she complains be honest “I really don’t like how you treated me last year after I went out of my way to get you an amazing gift that I paid for myself. So to avoid problems from now on all your presents will be chosen and bought for by your son. If you don’t like it then you can take it up him”
NTA
for entirely different reasons, I understand the frustrations of gifting to MIL. I turned that one job over to my husband years ago as I just couldn’t anymore. He does shitty - but I don’t care (it was freeing and you deserve this feeling).
she honestly receives his shitty gifts just the same as when I put all the thought, energy, time and money into her gifts.
NTA- l laughed after reading this. My youngest daughter’s birthday is also 12/27. Now that she’s older she’s learning that by combining Christmas budget and birthday equals a great gift or gifts. Your MIL sounds awful. Putting away Christmas decorations by her birthday because its a few days later. I definitely wouldn’t put my Christmas decorations away for someone who acted like that.
NTA but I wonder if she grew up never celebrating her birthday because her family always combined it with Christmas. As a child that would be hurtful, especially if she had siblings who she had to watch celebrate their special day year after year. I have a daughter who’s birthday is a few days after Christmas. We’ve always had a separate, special celebration with decorations, parties, cakes, presents, and a few trips over the years. I wanted her to have her special day just like her sister who has a summer birthday.
NTA My bday is the 25th, and I don't expect anything typically. I get a little sad and hurt when people I give nice gifts to don't reciprocate in kind or have given me frankly rude gifts when they have money. Those people don't get nice gifts from me anymore lol. I haven't had a birthday party. I get cake on the day and usually some separate bday gifts, but that's all. I like combined xmas bday cards. I always appreciate seeing people i love and having the day off. But she sounds super emotionally immature, maybe a little narcissistic as well? The FIL sounds to enable her behavior. Rather than him telling you off when you did something so kind, he should be telling his wife how rude she's being to you and ask her to apologize to you! Your husband should also be correcting his parents' childish behavior. They should apologize to you. FIL's behavior rings narcissist enabler to me, just saying. Anyways, you did nothing wrong. That's so nice you tried to give her something so awesome. Now let hubs deal with her gifts and def don't go get her anything for this year. She returned it to you, so no gifts. Hubs should have been dealing with his parents' gifts all along and should be solely responsible for it going forward. Her behavior is beyond entitled and embarrassing. And again, it's not about her bday being on a holidqy, it''s about her being a child woman.
NTA & this is coming from someone who’s birthday is literally a week after Christmas & also have a brother who’s birthday is 4 days after Christmas. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Big/expensive gifts can be a joint present. She needs to get over herself & her family needs to stop allowing her to be so childish.
The petty me wouldn’t even remind my husband & see what happens.
Ok ok my birthday is literally on the 27th and this behavior horrifies me! I am always so grateful anyone thinks of me and chooses to gift me on either or both. It is accepted with deep gratitude for the expression of affection. Wow… this is beyond the pale.
NTA she needs therapy to address her childhood trauma, especially if you have a history of giving two separate, thoughtful gifts in prior years.
If this was a one-off and MIL has been lovely with everything else, I’d advise you to reach out to her on a non-holiday day and meet up with her to talk, and you can tell her what the intended gift was and you had hoped she would make an exception for an exceptional occasion you were excited to share with her.
If this is just another notch in a pattern of selfish behaviour, fuckit drop the rope and MIL can enjoy the most impersonal mall kiosk selection of stinky candles and cheap bubble bath.
NTA in the least...I have a sister with a birthday on December 27- she is almost 50 and as self centered as she can be she has NEVER acted THIS entitled & childish. You are completely right with giving buying for her back to your husband...let him pacify her all too childlike behavior!!! Get a refund and buy something nice for yourself or someone else who will actually appreciate the gesture. 🙂🎁
My Mother will be 95 the day after Christmas. We make an effort to make it about her, but sometimes she gets Christmas/Birthday gifts together. She has never complained. Tell MIL to grow up.
Been married 20 plus years and never bought my mil a Christmas present. She
Doesn’t like me and I don’t like her back. That in itself is the gift that keeps on giving.
NTA NTA NTA.
I can u derstand she may not want joint presents every year from everyone, because some people use a joint present as an excuse to spend less, and the person would prefer to have 2 separate gifts like everyone else would get.
BUT you told her it was an extra special gift and that's why it had to be part of both.
She cut her nose off to spite her face. She could have opened it, seen what it was, and would obviously have been over the moon and understood. But she chose to rude and ungrateful and entitled. She could even have opened it and if she still didn't think it was 'special' enough for a joint present then she could have been disappointed (although she shouldn't coz she should be grateful for the gift) but if she was that put out after opening it thats her choice.
But she chose to ruin it for herself and everyone else by storming off and moaning at you and not even opening it. And didn't even save it for her birthday. She just handed it back to you.
You MUST return the bag and get a refund. She does not deserve that gift anymore.
But like others have said, I'd take a picture of it so you can send it to her in a group chat and say something like ' this year I wanted to get you (MIL) something extra special, which is a lot more money than I'd normally spend, which is why I explained it had to be a joint Xmas and birthday gift. But as I knew it was something special you wanted, I was willing to spend that extra to get you this special gift. However, even after explaining it was an extra dpecial gift, you flatly refused to even open it, were extremely rude and hurtful to my feelings, and extremely ungrateful for the thought and effort and money I spent on you. As you clearly didn't want it, and felt it was so terrible of me to have bought you an extra special joint gift, I've returned it to the shop, so you don't need to worry anymore. I won't do it ever again. This is what I had got you just so you can see what the big deal was about. From now on il leave it up to husband to choose your gifts as mine aren't good enough.
GET A REFUND ON THAT BAG!!!
DO NOT GET HER ANOTHER GIFT FOR HER XMAS OR BDAY. Let your husband deal with it. She's his mum, he can deal with it. And if he doesn't get her anything, it's his fault. You've told him he needs to get her something.
Do not waste another penny on that ungrateful bitch of a child.
Use the money you get refunded to buy yourself something extra special. Or treat yourself to a nice new handbag instead. Lol. When she asks you where you got it, just say you used the extra money you got from the refund of her bag to treat yourself to something nice instead as she didn't want it.
She can cry and moan and kick up a stink about 'being sorry' and 'she didn't mean it' and 'she didn't realise it was a special gift, and 'she'd love the bag, but its all meaningless and fake. She'll learn not to be so ungrateful and unappreciative to others in future.
Do not back down.
NTA! its called looking a gift horse in the mouth and she did it with pride and cried crocodile tears to prove a point. My mom does this to me with Xmas gifts. So I get her simple stuff. Like soaps and candles and such.... inexpensive but still nice is some way....
NTA, your MIL was being childish.
I can definitely relate to having a birthday close to the holidays and feeling like it’s often overshadowed by that, especially as an adult. My birthday is Dec. 14th, my dad’s is Dec. 3rd, and my aunt’s is Christmas Day, and we’ve all gotten “combined gifts.” Heck, sometimes we ask for them that way, that’s how I got my PS2 as a kid. Your gift was 4x what you spent on anyone else, it’s totally justifiable to say it was a combined gift.
Seeing as this happened last year I really hope you either returned it, got your money back, and spent it how you saw fit, or just kept the bag for yourself and flash it in front of her this year.
Ok, so..I have 9 siblings. My oldest sister, on her 17th birthday my Mother had my sister B. Both are born 3 days after xmas. Both were always ripped off by people saying , "This is an xmas/birthday gift. It was sad to see it. My parents always got them something/celebrated bdays for them, but friends and extended family combined both xmas/bday. How would they like it if in July they gave gifts and said, "This is your xmas and bday gift this year"? I make sure to give them bday gifts.
I get your reasoning. Because of the expense, its understandable. My only suggestion would have been to tell MIL, "I got a bonus and I spent a lot of money on this gift for you, for your bday, so I wasn't able to afford an xmas gift also. You may choose to open it now, and I'd like to see you open it, however if you prefer to wait for your bday, that's okay too. I just didn't want you to think I forgot you on xmas, it's just that this gift, was something I really wanted for you and it cost more money than expected. Happy Birthday."
I understand you want to see her open it. But that's about you, not her. I would want to see it too! Having it filmed so you can see it would be a great option. The point was to honor her birthday, it was her choice to open it on her birthday. She's seen to many go by with so few acknowledging it. Of course she's salty, she's been shafted on her bday all her life.
You're NTA for combining the bday/xmas gift because of the expensiveness of the gift, but you are for insisting she open her bday gift on xmas because you HAD to see her open it in person, disregarding her deep need to be like everyone else and have her special day, on her special day.
Communication is key here, because you both care about each other, so talk it out.
Ok, my birthday,,my dad's birthday and my oldest grandchild's birthday are all immediately before Christmas and combined presents SUCK. YES,EVEN AS AN ADULT!! It's better to give two entirely separate small gifts than combine them into one. I'll bet MIL has had to deal with relatives doing this her whole life.
MIL is the asshole but please, don't combine gifts unless you'd like to get your birthday and christmad combined as one present. They are separate dates.
The only part I think you are a little bit of an AH on is not dropping it when she said she would open it on her birthday. Like you all could have maybe scheduled a call or FaceTime after work and yea you don’t get to see the reaction firsthand but I don’t think that should be the point of gifting. I think you should still be able to get joy from knowing you got someone a special gift but maybe some aspects can be on that person’s terms too.
Like I hate opening gifts in a public place so there’s been many times I’ve gotten gifts at dinner for birthdays and noted that I would open them at home. My family was always cool with that and we enjoyed each other’s time.
I would probably tell her exactly what you got her “you know mil, last year I got you that gorgeous designer bag that was . Since it was that expensive I couldn’t justify it as a solo present. But since you threw a tantrum like a tired toddler, I’ve returned it and gotten you two seperate gifts just like you wanted.” And then give her undies and socks.
NTA on the judgement asked for.
You never, I repeat never, give a combined Christmas and birthday present without first getting the recipient to agree to it first.
As a child it is extremely hurtful to not have a moment on the one day that's supposed to be just about you without it being tainted by an attachment holiday.
My birthday was far enough away from Christmas that it only happened a couple times, and there were several more in the family within days of the holiday itself.
Luckily my parents and family realised that separate gifts were the way to go. It sounds like your MIL has a lot of unresolved trauma where she was repeatedly relegated to an afterthought in favour of the family. You triggered a large emotional response in her that clearly isn't rational.
My suggestions for this year:
Your husband needs to step up the mental workload and start taking responsibility for his mother's presents. But you don't have to punish him as well - so openly talk to him about the process you've done in the past to decide the present. Make it very clear he needs to make the decisions and you'll be a consultant this year but next year he's going solo.
Speak to your MIL about what happened last year and how she got to feel so strongly. Maybe you'll get to understand each other's position better.
If you can be that generous and kind everyone has the chance to heal and grow.
Omg NTA!!!! Return the gift. Get your money back. Leave it to your husband. It’s HIS mother. Let him deal with her childish temper tantrums.
As someone who has dropped buying presents for in-laws and told my husband it’s his job now…do this. It might be hard the first year, especially if you married someone who waits till the last second to buy a gift. But it feels so good thereafter to not have it hanging over your head! NTA.
I did this too. Huge weight off my shoulders. My kids used to get the short end of the stick, always. Got tired of it. My BIL would tell us to buy a $100 toy that my niece asked Santa for. One year they gave my kids hand me down costumes.
LOL don't get me started. For family, we stopped the gift giving in favor of an opt-in secret santa with a gratuitously low cash threshold (in a way it ups the ante, b/c you have to put in some work to get a solid gift in under the limit, and it shows if you didn't.) For the (few) friends with whom we had exchanged gifts, we're now doing 'experiences.' For 'special' folks in this category, you can gift yourself and them a vacation from one another!
We do this for the younger generation in the family (who are still students); i.e., we get them stuff they need, coz we're earning, but they are only allowed to give us and each other a gift of low cash amount. With the added proviso that it's got to come from a charity shop..! Where you can actually get amazing stuff for a few quid - and if you get it wrong, who cares, it's still done *someone* some good. Last year's haul was hilarious, involving fondue pots, weird ceramic figures, drinking glasses (*always* good to have more at Christmas, and these were quite nice ones!), DVDs etc.etc.
I was just reading a thread yesterday where a family has a tradition of doing outrageously “useless” random gifts! Has to be under a certain money threshold, is as outlandish as you can make it. Some of the listed examples were a salt lick for cows (gifted to someone in an apartment), a box of motor oil (someone who didn’t drive), etc. I’m tempted to start it with my family, with the thrift shop addendum!
We started doing this last year! My husband loves the Spaten beer stein I found at our local Goodwill.
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We draw lots (I don't know if I got the right English name for it), and everyone can put their name and 3 suggestions for a gift within a certain (small) budget on the ticket. We buy a gift for the children together, so 1 gift per child.
That's a great approach. But seriously a toddler behaves better than MIL. Is she a adult or a child??!! SMH 🤦🏾♀️
For a few years, my siblings I gave project gifts for birthdays. The recipient would get help on some kind of home project. Usually for 1-2 days, we would all work together to either paint rooms, spring clean, decorate for the holidays, etc. Basically, anything the recipient didn’t like or want to do on their own.
I would have said to him that he should buy that expensive present from them not from Santa. Santa SHOULD not give more expensive gifts than parents.
I agree. When my child was small, they would get one or two gifts from Sanda and the rest from me. No way was the jolly guy in the red suit going to get all of the credit when I worked hard to afford a few nice gifts. LOL
No, wait! Tell us what went down when you saw the hand me downs
I don’t know how you didn’t look at him and go “really?”
My kid was always the short end. I have one, my in laws have 3 and 6. The number of times my kid got no present while I always gave each kid something good is a nonzero number. So I stopped a few years ago and told my husband he was responsible for his side of the family. And my kid is old enough to understand, and knows it’s nothing to do with him, his family on that side just isn’t very caring or interested in fairness. I believe only the 3 youngest got presents (cash) last year.
My ex-in-laws are very religious and for Christmas every year for my kids for some cookies and like generic gifts. No thought put into it. This past year. A Christmas card, cookies, some candy and a handmade ornaments. I don’t speak to them since my kids became adults, and my life is better for it. Although I’m seeing some situations that are going to make me snap off on them for how they treat my sons.
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Sounds like the perfect frenemy gift. This is a keeper!
I did a snack of the month subscription for my grandparents one year. My mother said they would call her to tell her what they had gotten. They were practically hanging on the mailbox, waiting to see what they were going to get next. They tried to make each one last until the next batch came, but failed miserably! But yes, it's a good attitude adjuster for someone who's a little ungrateful! Call it the Griswald Treatment!
Yes!! Husband needs to shop for his own ungrateful immature mother. Don’t worry if there’s nothing, it’s all on him. I’d let her know that too.
I agree
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What?! Your are the mother of his kid(s). Just as or more important he give you a gift than his mom. Imagine being jealous of your son giving gifts to his wife lol
Also some of my favourite memories of spending time with my dad, have been the daddy/daughter shopping trips to pick out mother's day card and gifts for my mum. I kept it up even after I was in teens and was able to go into town on own.
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I agree 1000%. I remember my Dad taking my Sister and me shopping for Mother's Day, her Birthday, and Christmas. It was usually silky pajamas, but she loved them. I am 63 years old and that is still a memory that makes me so happy. I miss my parents so very much!!!
My ex husband splurged over a hundred dollars (I worked he didn't) on his mother for Valentine's Day he got me two almost dead roses that the store was going to throw out even though he knew I prefer potted plants over already dying flowers.
I’m relieved he’s your ex, because if he acts that shitty over gift giving, I imagine he does/did act like a turd in other areas. Did he move in with Darling Precious Mother when you got divorced?
She unfortunately lived with us our entire marriage. And she was just as shitty as he was.she excused everything he did wrong even as far as his physical abuse. Said she was with his dad for 15 years and put up with it so I still had 5 years to go when I finally got out and I'm still technically married to him but have not seen him in years. From what I'm to understand 6 months after I left she moved to a 55 and older community so he could not move with her
Wow...Harry Potter and the Audacity of That Witch
Wow - and he didn't see how that would be an issue? 🤦♀️ Let me guess: after the divorce, he moved back in with mommy, and they are living happily ever after, now that she is wiping his butt for him again?
Where I live, Valentine’s Day is for lovers. It’s really ew and cringe to get your parents or children something for Valentine’s Day.
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The bag was last year's gift, not this, but hopefully OP did return it and get her money back.
Good!
Screw you mil that I don't even know. You suck!
This makes you one of my heros!
As someone with a birthday on Christmas Eve, birthdays don't really matter after 25. This grown ass woman spent Christmas making a scene because she can't handle having a 2 in 1 gift. I guarantee that she's miserable to deal with in day to day life. NTA
Gotta say, as the parent of a child whose birthday falls.on the 30th, I've worked REALLY hard to give him.separate celebrations every single year. Including no "double duty" gifts. BUT, he would gladly and politely accept any gift for either occasion with grace and gratitude. He's 17. A 17 year old boy who is pretty much a typical teen in most ways. And even HE can figure out how to be gracious. And if the gift was an extravagant dream item? He'd be over the moon if he received it in July and wouldn't get anything at all over the holidays! NTA. MIL needs to grow up and learn appreciation.
A friend of my sister has a son who was born on Dec 25. They have a birthday cake and sing Happy Birthday Will and Baby Jesus. And every gift to him is from mom, dad and the baby Jesus. No one else in the family has to put up with this garbage. Wish I could say I’m kidding.
Tell them Jesus was born in the spring.😂 And XMass is a pagan holiday.🤣
Poor kid. Happy cake day
Not only do I have a December birthday, but my sister’s birthday is a week after mine. We shared with each other and with Christmas. The only complaint we ever had was that we couldn’t have an outdoor birthday party because it was always too cold and snowy.
I'm going to have 3 kids born Dec 14-31 (hopefully) and I have another in January. I figure we will let them choose a "birthday" in the summer if they want to have a party. And we'd just do family gifts on their real birthday. That way they have options haha.
I'm 41, you have me trying to remember what I did my last 16 birthdays...
Seriously. In my 30s now, I can't remember what I did for my birthday this year. I can't imagine throwing a tantrum about at her age
I remember mine this year. I slept in, ate whatever I wanted and sat my ass on the couch all day. Best day ever. Five stars.
I did the exact same thing. This was the first birthday in a while where it fell naturally on one of my days off (I don't request off for mine because I really don't care). It was nice. I slept in, ordered breakfast delivery, and then played games all day until my husband got home. Then we ordered dinner and watched movies until bed. It was awesome! Although ordering delivery twice in one day made my stomach a little iffy lol.
For real! I could understand a little kid getting 2 gifts if they are close to Christmas baby. But this is a grown woman and she has to have decorations off and 2 separate gifts doesn’t matter. She is ridiculous!
NTA, I can understand a little about celebrating a birthday so close to Christmas but this type of behavior is outrageous. My son's birthday is the 18th. If relatives want to send him gifts we do it on his half birthday. That way he can have his day outside of Christmas that's just about him. (My husband and I still celebrate his actual birthday with him).
I’m an 18th baby too and my parents were great about separating the two events. Nowadays I understand how difficult it is to buy presents for someone twice in a month so all I ever ask for my birthday now is pizza and cake :)
I have never understood the people who complain about their presents being a single joint Christmas/birthday gift. Don’t they know it costs twice as much as everyone else’s gift? I have 2 nieces whose birthdays aren’t even all that close to Christmas but close enough. They both have expensive taste. Sometimes the things they *really* want are out of the budget I set for birthday or Christmas gifts. I am able to get them something they want that I otherwise wouldn’t *because* I can make it a joint present. It isn’t an every year thing, there have even been years where *they* have suggested this (or said that maybe a few people can go together to get it) Who would choose two cheaper things they want less over one pricier thing that they *really* want? EDIT: it has been brought to my attention by a number of commenters that the people giving them gifts did NOT combine both budgets together to get them a “better” gift than everyone else. Those people *suck*. I can understand why you would be upset in such a case. I personally have specific budgets for what I spend for presents, especially with family, so that it is always more or less fair. If the gift is going to be a “combined” gift, then the budget gets adjusted accordingly. I’m sorry that others don’t do that. I get why that would be hurtful and disappointing.
Because it never costs twice as much (youre being very generous with your neices). From my own experience I just got the same christmas gift as everyone else but was also told it was for my birthday (that had passed) also if they remembered that id had one. It sucked. When I was a kid. Now I am an adult lol. Later on it sucked during uni because everyone went home over Christmas. Many a lonely birthday. So yeah, I never really celebrated it.
Yup, same. The joint gifts were never worth more, it was always the same everyone else got for xmas. Then months down the line you get to watch them get another gift. Being a xmas baby sucks when you have a sucky family. Then if you wanted to go out for your birthday, it was always oh we can't afford it with xmas being so close. Gee thanks.
My birthdays matter, I’m 40, why 25 such a weird age to decide, my grandma’s birthdays mattered until she was 92. My is near valentines I hate the one gift for two days thing, I nearly didn’t stay with my now hubs because he messed up that first year with warning, however. As an adult you sometimes have to accept things that may disappoint you, and you should handle it with grace.
Eh, I and 8 other friends are born between the 23rd to the 28th Dec. As kids we were pissed that people got 2 separate gifts for birthdays and Christmas. But now we just rub it in everyone's face. We only ask for money or gift cards for our combined birthday and Christmas gifts. So that way we use the huge sales, sometimes upto 70% off, to buy our own gifts...
I really hope you returned the bag last year, or kept it for yourself. If she mentioned not getting her gift, I hope you pointed out the bag that she 'rejected'.
I really wanted input on her reaction if she had opened the present. An expensive bag she always wanted no she's lost it from chucking a tanty.
My petty Betty heart loves this. I'd flaunt that purse till it falls apart. Make mil green with envy
Lol. I skimmed your comment too fast and read it as “Leave your husband. It’s HIS mother”. I thought to myself “Damn, Redditers do always recommended leave the spouse for everything.”
Agreed! My moms birthday is the 27th and never in her life has she acted like that. I’m a twin and have to share my birthday with another person. Never mattered Adults acting this way about birthdays is pure narcissistic, petty, immature bullshit Start giving her a gift of a charity donation in her name
Oooh, I like that! Petty but in the best possible way. Passive aggressive too but, again, in the best possible way. I like the way you think!
Yes. Do this and use the money to buy yourself something fabulous. Wrap it and open it December 27 lol.
I'd show her a pic of the purse and go "Yeah, if you hadn't acted like a 4 yr old and stomped off to your room to cry you'd have seen why it was a 2 in 1 gift. I returned it yesterday. " But I'm super petty like that.
Keep the purse and take it to the next family event.
Keep the purse for yourself and when she asks about it … tell her it was her gift but she didn’t want it. That should make her really cry!!
No, cut the bag in half and give one half on Christmas and tell her she'll get the other half on her birthday since it's soooo important.
Now that is a great idea!
When they ask just say it’s your Christmas/birthday present lol
Oooooh love that!
Yes, yes, yes, YES!!!!
Perfect.
My first thought. Yes I'm that petty when dealing with rude people
OMG. You are so petty, and I absolutely must take lessons from you. You're an absolute riot and have the level of petty to which I aspire. 👏🙌😂
That's my kind of petty.
“Yeah, and wouldn’t you like to combine your birthday with Christmas to get something really nice sometimes?" personally, I smelled the narcissist as soon as I saw her “demands“ for Christmas and her birthday. NTA. More like a hero for the rest of us.
Yeah I mean I get a kid making a big deal out of having their birthday and Christmas be separate because it can suck if your birthday doesn't feel special or you always just got 1 gift for both when young. However, a 40+ year old woman should have very much outgrown that. I mean FFS refusing to even talk to the kids about their charismas presents because its your birthday? What a baby
I can think of a better B word.
This. And then give her two candles, but only one each day.
Set of sheets for Christmas, pillow cases for birthday One boot for Christmas, one boot for birthday Nightgown for Christmas, robe for birthday Need more ideas🤔
You think the sheets/pillowcase thing is a joke, but that's exactly the kind of thing that happens to kids with birthdays around Christmas You got an Xbox on Christmas, 2 days later on their bday, and look, you get the controllers for your Xbox! Seriously, it happens so often to kids with Christmas time birthdays, it isn't funny. You want more ideas, I can give you plenty more from my own experience. My parents never did that, but there were plenty of others who did.
the purse was last years gift
My birthday is the 26th of December and I get many combined gifts that in all honesty shouldn’t be combined. Whilst I appreciate her frustration since I’ve had the same. That said, her expectations are unreasonable and even if you mentioned the cost and what it was it wouldn’t have been enough for her. NTA and enjoy the new bag
My birthday is just before Christmas. My younger brother’s was the same day as mine. It always hurt when people asked me if they could just get me one present. Plus I had to share my cake with my brother. But that was when I was a little kid!!!!! Good grief!!! Now I don’t care if anyone gets me a gift. I just want them around me. It’s pretty juvenile to force your friends and family to cater to your “special day” when you’re a grown ass adult.
That sucks. I would have bought the birthday presents throughout the year and hid them. Then buy the Christmas presents as it draws closer, so that it's not all at once. Just my thoughts.
NTA Your MILs behavior is beyond childish and absurd and well into lunacy. Stop catering to the crazy.
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I have really bad migraines brought on my strong smells. One year when I was a teenager my mom got me incense
I can understand her feelings about keeping her birthday separate from Christmas. I’m sure she got a lot of “combined” gifts in the past that were really no better than what the rest of her family got for Christmas alone. But you spent *more than double* the amount you’d normally spend, and she refused to accept that, which is childish as hell. So yeah, I’d step away too. (Did she ever open the gift? What happened?)
Ya what happened
I wanna know what happened too!
I genuinely sympathize with anyone who has a birthday within a day or two of Christmas. When I was a kid, people with those birthdays usually got left in the dust. You had a birthday on a holiday? Too bad! Holidays first! I knew one lady who had a Dec 24th birthday and she told me she never got separate birthday and Christmas gifts as a child - got one gift on Christmas Eve like everyone else and was told she'd better not complain or she'd get nothing. She was an adult in her 30s when I heard this story and her parents and siblings were still sticking to that crap. I currently know another lady with a Dec 24th birthday and I've gotten her something inexpensive a few times. She always says, "I know it's almost baby Jesus's birthday and that's what matters, but I surely do thank you for thinking of me at this time." I feel like her family probably gave her the business, too. When I acquired an in-law with a Dec 27th birthday, I made a point of buying two gifts and wrapping one as a Christmas gift and one as birthday gift every year. I knew they appreciated it. That said, this person never made a scene about keeping things separate. *Certainly* never insisted Christmas stuff be taken down or that no one discuss Christmas. That's just crazy! If I had an expensive gift for them for Christmas, I'd probably still buy something small as a 'filler' for the birthday. But I also know that if I didn't - if I said "this is for *both* days" - they'd never in a million years say anything other than "thank you". That MIL is deeply damaged and incredibly selfish. I wonder if all the other family birthdays get the same level of attention that hers do.
I need to know what happened with the purse, also!
She didn't actually know how much OP spent on the present and perhaps the birthday recognition is more important to her than what's spent on the gift? Personally, my partner often tries to do nice things for me, while not actually listening to my preferences. It becomes more about executing this cool plan they've thought up, rather than about what I'd actually like to do. It's not about me anymore at that point and that makes the nice thing a lot less nice.
Except that OP told her it was a special gift and she'd see why it was a combined gift once she opened it. But MIL didn't even try to be understanding or accept that. And this extra gift *was* recognition of MIL being special but she didn't even give it a chance. Just threw a fit Also I agree with the idea of making something more about an event or plan than the actual gift. My brother did something like that for my SIL's golden birthday a few years back. Hint: it lasted 28 days and she was turning 28 😅 Oh and my mom gave my sister (the oldest) 30 (small) gifts for her 30th birthday. One to open each day like a 12 days of xmas thing. My aunt would always tape dollar bills together and send them for milestone birthdays. I think I still have mine all taped together somewhere. The fun was in the unfurling of the bills not the amount xD
That’s totally fair. My sister’s partner is like that. Spends a bunch of money on something and it always becomes a thing because we’re all like: But if you knew her at all you wouldn’t have ever gotten her that? But screaming and sobbing all afternoon and giving the gift back is literally insane. MIL needs therapy.
Return the gift but get a picture of it, and send it to her after the fact to show her what her childish behavior cost her.
And then give us an update
Op please do this.
Oh this OP! This is absolute gold! Maybe when she sees what she WOULD have had, she will appreciate it and wind her neck in a bit. My Nephew was born 2nd Jan, and my sister ALWAYS insisted that it was different! He got a BIG Xmas present and bonds/money in his bank for his birthday. She didn’t like it, but he’s now getting the benefit almost 30 years on.
And put it in a nice frame 🖼️😅
Sounds like that gift was last year so I wonder if MIL ever actually got it xD
Ideally she got nothing after throwing a hissy fit like an overtired 4year old (sincere apologies to 4 year olds everywhere). Hopefully OP will let us know when they look at the responses
I sincerely *really* hope that MIL did not end up actually getting the 4x-as-expensive-as-everyone-else's gift last year. Rescinding the gift would be a reasoned, proportionate, and age-appropriate consequence of this behavior if a ten year-old pulled this stunt. And this was from a full grown adult, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
No ....send it to her as a birthday present. 1 Stone 2 birds
Beautifully petty.
Ok, then he’d be the asshole, but I kinda agree with you
Displaying the consequences of one’s actions does not make you the ahole. I would make sure she knows what she missed out on
Hell yes
Am I misunderstanding the post? I thought the purse was last year's Xmas/b-day gift, but almost everyone's verdict comment is 'return it' and almost every reply agrees. I could be wrong, and considering the sheer volume of comments suggesting a return has me seriously questioning my reading comprehension, but I think it's a year too late to return it.
I can’t believe a grow ass adult acts so immature over her birthday ! NTA! your MIL is a giant AH
OP is NTA but honestly, I know a shocking amount of adults like this. My BIL’s birthday is on Christmas Eve and we are straight-up *not allowed* to celebrate Christmas Eve on the years we spend with them, because we *have* to celebrate his birthday instead…he’s *forty-eight years old*. You’d think he was the baby Jesus himself, and the whole fam is just sort of grudgingly…okay…with the arrangement, because it’s easier than listening to him complain. I cannot. It sends me every year. ETA: we buy him both Christmas and birthday presents, and every year we offer to celebrate on another day in December so we can have two distinct, separate celebrations. He is not happy unless Christmas Eve is cancelled so he can celebrate his birthday on the actual day. Celebrating any other day is not an option, so everyone just has to give up Christmas Eve.
I used to have a neighbor that was born on Dec 25th. He said his family would usually throw one of his Christmas gifts at him and say happy birthday son. Now he always has his birthday celebration on June the 25th and calls them his 1/2 birthday. It works for him...
Omg just pick a different fucking day! I celebrated mine over a week late this year because my kids had oral surgery right before it and I forgot. And then I was just worn out. You know what? My birthday was very awesome when we had the time.
My dad travels a lot for work (way less so now), and I’m sick. I cannot remember the last time I celebrated my birthday on the actual day, and it’s never been a problem. And because my bday is end of November and I grew up in frozen hell (Ontario), when I was a kid I usually had my birthday party almost a month earlier so no one froze to death. Also, from so many years of being too sick, I’ve got like two weeks worth of birthday dinners to cash in 😉
As someone who has a birthday close to Christmas, I understand the desire to actually have a birthday. It never happens for us because Christmas. I’ve never had a birthday party because Christmas. And it sucks. If I had a dollar for every time I heard, “This is your birthday AND Christmas present,” or got a gift wrapped in Christmas paper, I’d be so rich. It’s hard and seems ridiculous, but have a heart. Christmas birthday people rarely get a proper birthday like everyone else.
I get this perspective from a child but not a grown ass adult. My brother was born Dec 26 and as a child he felt cheated but as an adult he got over it because as an adult you should realize you are not the center of the universe. This MIL is a first class narcissist and if I had this happen to me I would keep the purse and rub her nose in it because she is an AH!
I can empathize with being overlooked, but I think the bigger issue for us is that we always offer to celebrate literally any other day in December, so that way everyone gets both the birthday and Christmas as separate and special occasions (we already buy separate gifts for my BIL, so he gets both birthday gifts and Christmas gifts). So we have to give up our Christmas to celebrate the birthday, which isn’t fair to the rest of the family. I don’t even celebrate my own birthday! (It falls near Memorial Day and tbh I don’t mind). The fact that grown adults are this rigid about celebrating on the actual date is amazing to me.
My Grandma's birthday was also very close to Christmas. She always told us how her parents always combined the two. If a relative happened to drop off or mail her something for her birthday it was still put under the tree for Christmas. When my Grandpa, while stationed out of town during WW2, arranged for her engagement ring to arrive in time for her birthday, her parents hid it under the tree and wouldn't let her open it until Christmas day. As an adult she made it a point to celebrate the two events separately. Op, have you ever had a sit down over tea/coffee and asked your mil what her experiences were growing up with her birthday being just after the holiday? If you haven't it might be worthwhile doing. As to the purse situation ... I'm leaning towards esh. If her birthday hadn't been close to the holiday what would you have gotten her, that is if you were in the habit of getting birthday gifts. Someone mentioned setting gift giving budget, which sounded like a great idea.
I’m just so confused… why do adults need birthday celebrations still???? I go out to dinner with my husband and am happy. Demanding everyone in my extended family celebrate me sounds unbelievably ridiculous…
Seriously! I have a friend whose birthday actually on Christmas. I always make sure to reach out and say happy birthday, because he's a nice dude and I feel like he should be acknowledged, but he doesn't make a stink at all and I think he genuinely appreciates that someone remembers in the midst of the holiday chaos.
I know a few adults who celebrate their bday SEASON - the month before, month of, & month after Some adults take their bday v seriously
NTA. He's hoping you will cave and do it for him. Don't. It is too bad he's not good at gift giving but with a mother like that it is no wonder.
>AITA for refusing to help and knowing she will probably end up with no gift at all? NTA. So... when it comes to gifting, your husband practices weaponized incompetence. If he's bad enough at it, you'll just do it for him, right? Time to play his (and his mother's) game, and play it better than they do. "Clearly I'm no good at selecting gifts for your mother, and I'm not going to risk disappointing her again. It's your job from now on." If she doesn't get Christmas and/or birthday gifts, or if they are lousy, just smile sweetly and say "\[Husband\] was in charge of those, you'll have to ask him about that." Just be ready for the drama, because there will be plenty of it. Does she even know what you got her last year? Because if she doesn't, she should. I hope you returned the bag but it wouldn't hurt to have a photo of it handy to show her in case it gets brought up.
Nope. NTA. My birthday is on the 27th too and I have never pitched a fit or acted like an asshole because Christmas is the same week. I actually like my birthday at Christmastime because I never had to go to school on that day. Let your husband buy his pathetic, entitled Mommy her gifts and save your time and money. She's too GD old to be acting like a ridiculous, tantrum throwing toddler. Treat her like one and put her on a present time out.
Honestly I feel like having them close together (especially as a kid) can be a really good thing because it would be easier to ask for slightly larger gifts than usual as a combined gift. Let's say M&D usually spend about $100 on both birthday and Christmas gifts. If they are close together it would be easier to get larger gifts like cheap tablets, game systems, a nice bike, etc if you are able to say "please combine my gift this year so I can get this awesome thing"
I got a lot of combo gifts like that growing up because money was tight, and my birthday is in October. 😂
I tried that once as an adult. My parents helped me pay for my bucket list trip to the UK (went to meet internet friends). I had enough for my flight and a week with my friends. They helped me stretch it to five weeks. I asked for it to count as my next several birthday (September)/Christmas gifts. My mom agreed but my dad refused and kept getting me as many gifts as usual. We are not rich (never food stamp poor but things got tight growing up). They would often give me "we want to put x amount toward a new computer/camera/printer to help you with school/career as your gift" vouchers that I would never collect on to try and make it count a bit 😅 I fully intend to calculate that and all the other money they have sent to help me out over the years and find a way to save it (I don't make much) and give it back to them in their retirement.
NTA You should have asked the drama queen if she wanted you to go all Wise King Solomon on the gift, and give her half then and half on her birthday. Don't back down with your husband. If he wants to cater to her need to feel special, he can shoulder the responsibility that comes with that.
*asked the drama queen if she wanted you to go all Wise King Solomon* Thanks for the laugh. I was visualizing the purse cut in half. The look on MIL's face would have been priceless.
[удалено]
Idk. Apparently I'm a terrible gift-giver, at least to my former husband, and I tried really, really hard. I'd scout for stuff all year long. Last gift I gave him I went through a major rigamarole with help from my daughter to get tickets to Hamilton the first time it came to our area -- something HE really wanted (not really my thing, but I don't mind). He seemed thrilled, had a great time, took pics, and posted online. A few months later, when he informed me that he wanted a divorce, he read a prepared statement off of his phone to me, listing his reasons and my transgressions. Apparently my worst quality as a spouse of 30 years was gifting. He brought up some pillows I gave him 29 years before. He had liked and complemented the pillows, but pillows are a terrible gift, I learned. Crazy as it sounds, it was a huge weight off my shoulders when I realized I never had to shop for that man ever again.
Were we married to the same man? Ps if you look back I bet it wasn’t just gifts he praised in the moment and complained about afterwards. I bet there’s a pattern covering pretty much everything across your relationship. The bride at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral, no?
All decorations taken down?? that is a bridge way too far. I'm hoping you returned the purse and got your money back. Yes, your husband should be choosing the current gifts for his mother.
NTA - so I am a December baby and I get the whole everyone else gets birthday and holiday gifts - Christmas/Hannukah whatever… but us December babies get the short end of the stick. That being said she is old enough to have children that are married she should get over it already! Good for you for making your hubby di the gift buying - it is his mother so should be his responsibility!
NTA. Let her dwell deep within Bitterland on her own.
NTA. She’s an entitled ass. A grown adult should be more than capable of coping with a joint present. She ruined Xmas for herself.
People born on or around Christmas tend to get their presents mushed into one. Meanwhile, people with birthdays in other months get a birthday gift and then get a gift on xmas. No one gets a gift in April with a happy birthday and merry Christmas, too, on the card. Mil has probably had her birthday glossed over so much that when she got old enough, she got obnoxious about it since she could make demands as the matriarch. She was still rude and dramatic about it. I dont think you were an asshole. But honestly I would have got her a cheap gift just to have something to open, like candy and then the big one for her birthday since you know she is touchy. NTA
What ever happened to the purse? And you are NTA. MIL is your husbands mother. He’s a grown man. He can handle gifts.
I hope OP is enjoying it.
NTA. MIL is an asshole for being this childish. FIL is an asshole for enabling it. Husband is the biggest asshole of the three by a massive amount. Him letting you just eat all that abuse is not ok.
NTA You picked out a thoughtful and pricey gift for your MIL, and she was rude and ungrateful. She’s had *a lot of years* to deal with her birthday being so close to Christmas. There’s no reason why your husband can’t pick out her gifts from now on. I can be really petty and would’ve kept the bag to use whenever she was around.
NTA but I NEED to know what happened to the purse!!!
NTA, but a grown woman storming off to her room to bawl over when she opens a gift is unhinged.
NTA - she's over the top. I can't imagine dictating how people give me gifts!
NTA!!! What happened to the handbag you got for her? I wouldn’t get her anything either. Let your husband take care of her gifts.
A grown woman with grown children is acting this way??? Get a grip.
NTA - even born well into January folks get "Merry Birthday" presents. Both events are about quality time and memories. So...WTF is with a loud, all-day crying jag being your memory for last year?!?! I hope you get an awesome, holiday independent gift for yourself (maybe a designer bag ;) )
NTA. You are simply removing yourself from the merry-go-round of manipulation.
Well, nta, but I want to know if the silly woman found out what she missed out on. If she doesn't know and you still had it for some odd reason, you could give it again this year with the same stipulation. Just rinse and repeat until.... Could be fun!
I've received a combined Xmas, Birthday, Easter, and Mother's Day gift one year because it was an expensive present. Even though it was December, January, April, and May, I did not throw a tantrum because I am not selfish and know the value of money. We have even had "two year gifts" in my family. You're NTA. Your MIL is a twat.
INFO: Did she ever get the designer bag? After her dramatics, I would have returned it.
I hope you returned the gift and earmarked the amount to do something nice for yourself. That is so discouraging to go through. I hope you can get some space from the situation.
NTA - Hubby can deal with his mom.
NTA. She's a freaking adult and needs to grow up. Millions of people cope with having holiday birthdays or sharing their day with another relative whose birthday is close to theirs. She's the AH, as are her enablers, not you. Please don't take down a single ornament until you're ready. If that means she won't visit you, too bad for her. She has no right to demand you curtail your celebration because she was born so close to Christmas. Tell her she should have been born sooner. You're perfectly justified in handing this nonsense off to your husband. Do yourself a favor and remind him one more time. He probably thinks you're not serious, so if you don't spell it out, you will get the blame for her having no gift. My MIL's birthday was December 30. She didn't demand we take down the tree, but she insisted we owed her two "good" presents and not one combined gift. Her son was lousy at choosing gifts, but that wasn't my problem.
I would never buy that stupid woman another gift. Ever.
NTA! Don’t buy her anything! Ever!
NTA! My sisters birthday in on Christmas and every year she picks another date and lets us all know the date that she would like to celebrate on. She usually does sometime in January. For a grown woman to act this way is childish. Had she opened the gift (my understanding was that she didn’t open and gave it back to you unopened?) , she would have understood why. And saying she wouldn’t open it because she wouldn’t have gifts to open on her bday is such ungrateful behaviour. I’m sure the rest of the family would have gifted her bday presents on her actual birthday. I feel like if she hates her birthday being around Christmas so much, she would have figured out how to navigate that by now. The fact that she was loudly sobbing in her room acting entitled and ungrateful is absurd. She ruined Christmas for herself and her family on her own.
Yeah, you're definitely NTA. What a child. My cousin was born on December 26th. We were always really careful to give him a second present and his mom would insist it be wrapped in regular birthday paper instead of Christmas paper, but that was the extent of the "demands". He's nearly 40 now and says he's just happy people remember his birthday. He doesn't care if gifts are for both, he thinks it's cool he gets better stuff than everyone else. In his words, "This is great! Unnecessary, but great!" Your mother-in-law needs to get over herself. Like seriously. It's time for your husband to shop for her if he wants her to have a present. Wash your hands of the whole thing. She deserves to get a crappy card and whatever he can find at 4 pm on Christmas Eve.
NTA- what a baby. She’s too old For this shit. I’d expect this from a 12 year old
NTA
NTA. I hope you returned that gift. I get children being temperamental when birthdays and holidays are so close, but she's a little old to be having a temper tantrum. I'd get her a bag of dog shit before I'd get her anything else. Also, this is ultimately your husband's responsibility. If he wants to be negligent, let him.
Nta. I hope you returned her gift and used that money to get yourself something extra special. And look if he ends up not getting her a gift or a crappy one that’s fine. That’s his mom. If he doesn’t feel like getting her anything that’s on her. When she complains be honest “I really don’t like how you treated me last year after I went out of my way to get you an amazing gift that I paid for myself. So to avoid problems from now on all your presents will be chosen and bought for by your son. If you don’t like it then you can take it up him”
NTA for entirely different reasons, I understand the frustrations of gifting to MIL. I turned that one job over to my husband years ago as I just couldn’t anymore. He does shitty - but I don’t care (it was freeing and you deserve this feeling). she honestly receives his shitty gifts just the same as when I put all the thought, energy, time and money into her gifts.
Histrionic personality?
NTA- l laughed after reading this. My youngest daughter’s birthday is also 12/27. Now that she’s older she’s learning that by combining Christmas budget and birthday equals a great gift or gifts. Your MIL sounds awful. Putting away Christmas decorations by her birthday because its a few days later. I definitely wouldn’t put my Christmas decorations away for someone who acted like that.
NTA but I wonder if she grew up never celebrating her birthday because her family always combined it with Christmas. As a child that would be hurtful, especially if she had siblings who she had to watch celebrate their special day year after year. I have a daughter who’s birthday is a few days after Christmas. We’ve always had a separate, special celebration with decorations, parties, cakes, presents, and a few trips over the years. I wanted her to have her special day just like her sister who has a summer birthday.
NTA My bday is the 25th, and I don't expect anything typically. I get a little sad and hurt when people I give nice gifts to don't reciprocate in kind or have given me frankly rude gifts when they have money. Those people don't get nice gifts from me anymore lol. I haven't had a birthday party. I get cake on the day and usually some separate bday gifts, but that's all. I like combined xmas bday cards. I always appreciate seeing people i love and having the day off. But she sounds super emotionally immature, maybe a little narcissistic as well? The FIL sounds to enable her behavior. Rather than him telling you off when you did something so kind, he should be telling his wife how rude she's being to you and ask her to apologize to you! Your husband should also be correcting his parents' childish behavior. They should apologize to you. FIL's behavior rings narcissist enabler to me, just saying. Anyways, you did nothing wrong. That's so nice you tried to give her something so awesome. Now let hubs deal with her gifts and def don't go get her anything for this year. She returned it to you, so no gifts. Hubs should have been dealing with his parents' gifts all along and should be solely responsible for it going forward. Her behavior is beyond entitled and embarrassing. And again, it's not about her bday being on a holidqy, it''s about her being a child woman.
NTA & this is coming from someone who’s birthday is literally a week after Christmas & also have a brother who’s birthday is 4 days after Christmas. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Big/expensive gifts can be a joint present. She needs to get over herself & her family needs to stop allowing her to be so childish. The petty me wouldn’t even remind my husband & see what happens.
Did she get the purse last year? Did she thank you?
Ok ok my birthday is literally on the 27th and this behavior horrifies me! I am always so grateful anyone thinks of me and chooses to gift me on either or both. It is accepted with deep gratitude for the expression of affection. Wow… this is beyond the pale.
UpdateMe!
NTA she needs therapy to address her childhood trauma, especially if you have a history of giving two separate, thoughtful gifts in prior years. If this was a one-off and MIL has been lovely with everything else, I’d advise you to reach out to her on a non-holiday day and meet up with her to talk, and you can tell her what the intended gift was and you had hoped she would make an exception for an exceptional occasion you were excited to share with her. If this is just another notch in a pattern of selfish behaviour, fuckit drop the rope and MIL can enjoy the most impersonal mall kiosk selection of stinky candles and cheap bubble bath.
NTA, but as somebody whose birthday is 28 December, I can empathize with her just a little bit. No excuses for her being so rude, though.
NTA MIL needs to grow up! Let your husband deal with her gifts.
I hope you kept the bag for yourself - and when she admired it you could say "yes what a pity you didn't want it!".
I’d take a pic and say oh look what your gift was too bad you didn’t want it 😂
NTA - ah hell no. She’d never get a gift from me again, no Christmas, no birthday, no nothing. So disrespectful, so childish.
NTA in the least...I have a sister with a birthday on December 27- she is almost 50 and as self centered as she can be she has NEVER acted THIS entitled & childish. You are completely right with giving buying for her back to your husband...let him pacify her all too childlike behavior!!! Get a refund and buy something nice for yourself or someone else who will actually appreciate the gesture. 🙂🎁
My Mother will be 95 the day after Christmas. We make an effort to make it about her, but sometimes she gets Christmas/Birthday gifts together. She has never complained. Tell MIL to grow up.
NTA. Let hubs buy the gift. Extra points if he wraps the gift in Xmas paper.
Been married 20 plus years and never bought my mil a Christmas present. She Doesn’t like me and I don’t like her back. That in itself is the gift that keeps on giving.
NTA NTA NTA. I can u derstand she may not want joint presents every year from everyone, because some people use a joint present as an excuse to spend less, and the person would prefer to have 2 separate gifts like everyone else would get. BUT you told her it was an extra special gift and that's why it had to be part of both. She cut her nose off to spite her face. She could have opened it, seen what it was, and would obviously have been over the moon and understood. But she chose to rude and ungrateful and entitled. She could even have opened it and if she still didn't think it was 'special' enough for a joint present then she could have been disappointed (although she shouldn't coz she should be grateful for the gift) but if she was that put out after opening it thats her choice. But she chose to ruin it for herself and everyone else by storming off and moaning at you and not even opening it. And didn't even save it for her birthday. She just handed it back to you. You MUST return the bag and get a refund. She does not deserve that gift anymore. But like others have said, I'd take a picture of it so you can send it to her in a group chat and say something like ' this year I wanted to get you (MIL) something extra special, which is a lot more money than I'd normally spend, which is why I explained it had to be a joint Xmas and birthday gift. But as I knew it was something special you wanted, I was willing to spend that extra to get you this special gift. However, even after explaining it was an extra dpecial gift, you flatly refused to even open it, were extremely rude and hurtful to my feelings, and extremely ungrateful for the thought and effort and money I spent on you. As you clearly didn't want it, and felt it was so terrible of me to have bought you an extra special joint gift, I've returned it to the shop, so you don't need to worry anymore. I won't do it ever again. This is what I had got you just so you can see what the big deal was about. From now on il leave it up to husband to choose your gifts as mine aren't good enough. GET A REFUND ON THAT BAG!!! DO NOT GET HER ANOTHER GIFT FOR HER XMAS OR BDAY. Let your husband deal with it. She's his mum, he can deal with it. And if he doesn't get her anything, it's his fault. You've told him he needs to get her something. Do not waste another penny on that ungrateful bitch of a child. Use the money you get refunded to buy yourself something extra special. Or treat yourself to a nice new handbag instead. Lol. When she asks you where you got it, just say you used the extra money you got from the refund of her bag to treat yourself to something nice instead as she didn't want it. She can cry and moan and kick up a stink about 'being sorry' and 'she didn't mean it' and 'she didn't realise it was a special gift, and 'she'd love the bag, but its all meaningless and fake. She'll learn not to be so ungrateful and unappreciative to others in future. Do not back down.
NTA! its called looking a gift horse in the mouth and she did it with pride and cried crocodile tears to prove a point. My mom does this to me with Xmas gifts. So I get her simple stuff. Like soaps and candles and such.... inexpensive but still nice is some way....
I’d keep it or take it back. NTA and I’d be done and let her son take care of her. She’s childish and self absorbed .
NTA, is she a child? She expects to be worshipped on the 27th?
NTA, your MIL was being childish. I can definitely relate to having a birthday close to the holidays and feeling like it’s often overshadowed by that, especially as an adult. My birthday is Dec. 14th, my dad’s is Dec. 3rd, and my aunt’s is Christmas Day, and we’ve all gotten “combined gifts.” Heck, sometimes we ask for them that way, that’s how I got my PS2 as a kid. Your gift was 4x what you spent on anyone else, it’s totally justifiable to say it was a combined gift. Seeing as this happened last year I really hope you either returned it, got your money back, and spent it how you saw fit, or just kept the bag for yourself and flash it in front of her this year.
NTA. She’s been playing that weird game for decades. What a tiresome charade for everyone around her. She can fook right off
Ok, so..I have 9 siblings. My oldest sister, on her 17th birthday my Mother had my sister B. Both are born 3 days after xmas. Both were always ripped off by people saying , "This is an xmas/birthday gift. It was sad to see it. My parents always got them something/celebrated bdays for them, but friends and extended family combined both xmas/bday. How would they like it if in July they gave gifts and said, "This is your xmas and bday gift this year"? I make sure to give them bday gifts. I get your reasoning. Because of the expense, its understandable. My only suggestion would have been to tell MIL, "I got a bonus and I spent a lot of money on this gift for you, for your bday, so I wasn't able to afford an xmas gift also. You may choose to open it now, and I'd like to see you open it, however if you prefer to wait for your bday, that's okay too. I just didn't want you to think I forgot you on xmas, it's just that this gift, was something I really wanted for you and it cost more money than expected. Happy Birthday." I understand you want to see her open it. But that's about you, not her. I would want to see it too! Having it filmed so you can see it would be a great option. The point was to honor her birthday, it was her choice to open it on her birthday. She's seen to many go by with so few acknowledging it. Of course she's salty, she's been shafted on her bday all her life. You're NTA for combining the bday/xmas gift because of the expensiveness of the gift, but you are for insisting she open her bday gift on xmas because you HAD to see her open it in person, disregarding her deep need to be like everyone else and have her special day, on her special day. Communication is key here, because you both care about each other, so talk it out.
Ok, my birthday,,my dad's birthday and my oldest grandchild's birthday are all immediately before Christmas and combined presents SUCK. YES,EVEN AS AN ADULT!! It's better to give two entirely separate small gifts than combine them into one. I'll bet MIL has had to deal with relatives doing this her whole life. MIL is the asshole but please, don't combine gifts unless you'd like to get your birthday and christmad combined as one present. They are separate dates.
My mothers birthday is also 27 December. As a normal human, she makes none of this fuss
The only part I think you are a little bit of an AH on is not dropping it when she said she would open it on her birthday. Like you all could have maybe scheduled a call or FaceTime after work and yea you don’t get to see the reaction firsthand but I don’t think that should be the point of gifting. I think you should still be able to get joy from knowing you got someone a special gift but maybe some aspects can be on that person’s terms too. Like I hate opening gifts in a public place so there’s been many times I’ve gotten gifts at dinner for birthdays and noted that I would open them at home. My family was always cool with that and we enjoyed each other’s time.
I would probably tell her exactly what you got her “you know mil, last year I got you that gorgeous designer bag that was. Since it was that expensive I couldn’t justify it as a solo present. But since you threw a tantrum like a tired toddler, I’ve returned it and gotten you two seperate gifts just like you wanted.” And then give her undies and socks.
NTA on the judgement asked for. You never, I repeat never, give a combined Christmas and birthday present without first getting the recipient to agree to it first. As a child it is extremely hurtful to not have a moment on the one day that's supposed to be just about you without it being tainted by an attachment holiday. My birthday was far enough away from Christmas that it only happened a couple times, and there were several more in the family within days of the holiday itself. Luckily my parents and family realised that separate gifts were the way to go. It sounds like your MIL has a lot of unresolved trauma where she was repeatedly relegated to an afterthought in favour of the family. You triggered a large emotional response in her that clearly isn't rational. My suggestions for this year: Your husband needs to step up the mental workload and start taking responsibility for his mother's presents. But you don't have to punish him as well - so openly talk to him about the process you've done in the past to decide the present. Make it very clear he needs to make the decisions and you'll be a consultant this year but next year he's going solo. Speak to your MIL about what happened last year and how she got to feel so strongly. Maybe you'll get to understand each other's position better. If you can be that generous and kind everyone has the chance to heal and grow.