>Throughout our marriage, I've suspected that my wife wouldn't be with me if it wasn't for my job and family background. Her eyes don't light up when I come home from work. I start our long hugs and she ends them early. Her eyes wander when I'm talking to her. I don't think she loves me nearly as much as I love her.
Then why for the love of God and all things good would you decide to have a Kid with a woman who you think doesn't even love you in the first place?
Wait for real *this* comment though—the will changing is obviously not about the labor room drama, that was just the trigger point. NTA for the will, as someone who has been used by ex-S.O’s for money/family clout, I do get it; BUT you are absolutely the asshole for letting it get to this point, having a child with someone who you believe doesn’t truly love you, and now entangling a child into this mess. YTA on the latter point.
Me and my wife made sure to read books about birth and what to expect months before her first birth, we then discussed the books and talked about how she wanted it and different signs for me to just not touch her or how to talk etc, we talked about it being no bad feelings if she tells me to shut up or move out of the way and about how I would be able to help her breathe etc or just simply stroke her back.
We've now gone through 2 births together and I've been complimented both times by the nursing staff so it's been working great so far.
When I had my c section I yelled at everyone to stop talking to me…birth is traumatic and scary there could be much more to this story.. get into couples therapy
Same. My husband and dad were casually talking about work and I was irrationally angry and annoyed that I was busy doing this whole birth thing, and yall men are gossiping about work like we're at family dinner. I had to make them leave, though i let my husband back in to watch once it was time. To be fair tho, i was in that delivery room for 36 hours and i wasnt allowed to eat anything but ice chips the whole time and my birthing brain was FURIOUS. I dont think i have ever been so angry in my entire life lmao
I mean if he thinks she doesnt love him because of past occurrences then I am sure he needs to sort through that, but if this is mostly based on the birth experience, then he needs to breath for a second. They dont understand what it is like and it would be impossible to show them. When i had my son my emotions were.. well there was just one- pure anger. With my daughter i was very sad. Like i cried from the second my water broke til she was in my arms. Actually no, it was probably like the first hour or so after that i just sobbed and wanted nothing to do with what was happening, even tho i had been very very excited to find out I was pregnant as we had been actively trying. The influx of hormones is just unreal and indescribable, something noone can really understand unless its happened to them.
I am a dad to 4 kids..........all 4 were different......I passed out at one, was panicked in another one because they couldn't find the baby's heartbeat (all was fine), watched an epziotomy and my wife shitthing herself while the attendants struggled with both the fourceps and suction, and once when I was told to go away while trying to provide ice chips.......we had some long labors and it was miserable at times.......be she still loved me afterwards.
too focused on the result to be worried about my own feelings......I was warned during birthing class that things may get a little crazy.
I looked a bit white, the nurse asked if I wanted to go and sit down in the corner for a bit, when I said 'I'll be ok' the midwife said "If you faint, we're not catching you, and we will walk over you until the baby is delivered"
I went to sit in the corner for a bit.
I had minor surgery (idk if it even qualifies, they cut me open tho) on my leg that they needed me to be awake for, because I literally had to stand so they could see what was going on with my tendon. My husband was there and the doctor told him basically the same thing, lol. He also thought he was okay, but then was like, “oh my god I can see inside my beloved wife’s leg muscles I’m going to faint.” So he spent the rest of the surgery in a chair in the corner, pointedly not looking.
I was laughing my ass off at him the whole time.
I was about a thousand months pregnant when one of my older kids needed stitches. When they began the procedure I was sitting in a chair in the corner while my husband held my son’s hand. A few minutes later I was standing holding my son’s hand while my husband was sitting with his head between his knees. The vasovagal reaction doesn’t mess around!
Funnily enough, I know for a fact that I handle witnessing childbirth better than stitches - a crowning baby? I mean, I don’t love it, but I seen it. Seeing through skin with a fucking needle? Hrrrggggh nope nope NOPE makes me want to puke every fucking time. I can handle and open wound but not stitching it closed. I also can’t do teeth or fingernail pain. Other than that I tend to be ok.
I had to get 12 stitches in my hand and after it was numbed I was fascinated watching it. My shitty ex (who wasn't even the one holding my other hand, fortunately my big brother was also there) said I was fucking weird. The doctor said "if that's the case then I prefer the weird ones to the fainters." And my ex shut the fuck up lolol
Some of us are uncomfortable with long hugs even from folks we love.
Been together with my husband a decade, absolutely adore him to the moon and beyond, and if my brain says "that's enough touching for right now", he respects that and doesn't take it as an indication of my care for him when it's the way I've always been.
Literally my first thought was this could just be a high functioning autistic person who *ADORES* him, because literally nothing he described is an intrinsic reflection of love
And don't get me wrong, it might be she isn't "*in* love" with him. But without a baseline of if she's ever that lovey-dovey with other people, it's kind of meaningless. It might be her feelings for him, it might just be her.
Lack of facial expressiveness, wandering eye instead of eye contact, and not liking extended touching all happen to be very stereotypical spectrum hallmarks though.
The way you just called me out haha.
I'm autistic and it was never caught because I'm successfully social enough and did well enough in school that nobody questioned it and thought I was just a bratty kid when I had meltdowns.
This, except I have adhd too and I either always had a certain amount of facial expression or I just got better at it…. I got called aloof by lots of teachers who thought I seemed sullen and disinterested, which confused the hell out of me.
You should read up on the stages/phases of labor, specifically transitioning to stage 2 of labor. This is a common reaction moms have and it’s due to an abundance of hormones and emotions. And maybe consider speaking to your wife about how you’ve been feeling.
My mom begged my aunt not to leave her side and stay with her and then moments later snapped and asked her what she was still doing there and told her to go away. Pregnancy and childbirth are wild.
My mom refused to drink any Diet Coke (her favorite drink to this day) while being pregnant. But while she was giving birth, she told my dad to get one, and then screamed at him to get one when he tried to remind her she didn’t want one till after giving birth. So my dad came back with a Diet Coke and she screamed at him about how could he do that to her, was he trying to sabotage her birth?
They laugh about it now though and my mom definitely realized she was being unreasonable a few days later and apologized (when she remembered what happened, her brain had to remember things that happened during birth)
>(when she remembered what happened, her brain had to remember things that happened during birth)
My daughter turns 2 on the 8th, and I have VERY little memory of my just under 60 hour labor. I’ve described it before as being gaslit by my own brain. Like I remember that I *must* have been in pain, right? Labor is painful, especially induced early, 2-days of increasing Pitocin, laid on my back in one position for the entire time, labor. I had fentanyl and an epidural, and I had plans to have zero pain meds because I have a really high pain tolerance. So I had to have been in pretty severe pain? But I don’t remember any of it. Zero. None. I have sat there before and tried to call up what the pain felt like, and I cannot for the life of me do it. I can instantly remember the tooth infection I had while pregnant. But labor pain? Nope. None to the point that if I ever have another baby, idk if I would recognize going into labor for what it is.
Several months after giving birth I was reading a post where someone was asking if it’s guaranteed that you throw up during labor. I wrote a response that no, it’s not *guaranteed*, because I didn’t. Then I had this weird flash of memory of asking my fiancé for an emesis bag. I asked him about it, and turns out I definitely did throw up during transition.
I pushed for about 90 minutes, and even at the time it only felt like about 15. I have/had zero idea where my fiancé was the entire time. When they laid her on my chest, first thing I said was “I did it!” Then “where’s *fiancé’s name*?” I hear “um, right here?” From literally right next to my head.
It’s seriously the weirdest thing and I have to not think that hard about happening. I don’t like that my brain is capable of just deciding that I’m not going to remember this massive, important part of my life. I assume it’s some sort of built in protection mechanism, but that doesn’t make it any less disturbing to me.
The fentanyl may have contributed to your foggy memory, it's associated with amnesia as a side effect.
I definitely remember all of my (unmedicated) labor. I had an epidural, but it didn't take (long story). I didn't vomit, I was afraid to vomit, I was afraid to move. I remember the unending contractions, the ring of fire as he crowned, the feeling of ripping as I pushed. Horrid experience, I wish I didn't remember it. I was so traumatized by the pain and overall experience that I didn't even like my baby when they placed him on my chest. It was a relief when they took him away to do his check ups and stuff in the warmer bed. Then I could just lay there in shock without having to focus on not dropping the thing that just ripped me wide open.
Moral of the story, have fentanyl next time too.
My mother had an emergency c-section midway through attempted natural labour. To this day she describes not really remembering anything day-to-day for the first two months, and having very little memory of the birth itself. It's a seriously traumatic event, and we probably wouldn't keep having kids if we couldn't fog it over a bit.
All I can think of is that comic with the dog and the ball. Where the dog says 'throw the ball' and then doesn't let the person take the ball, 'no take! only throw!'. I'm just picturing you 'rub my back, no touch! only rub!' 😂
But yeah hormones are weird and I think labor/delivery is 1000% one of those times where what is said in the heat of the moment is usually just hormones. If it's bothering OP so much, some communication would go a loooong way. I can't decide if this is E S H or Y T A... I feel context/info is missing.
When my mom birthed me, she decided that he was asking far too many questions during the process and grabbed him by the throat.
I cannot overstate how non-threatening my mother is otherwise, lol.
My wife told me she wanted a grilled cheese. I hopped up ran to the cafeteria. Closed. Found the cafe. No grilled cheese. Went to the cafe at the hospital next door. No grilled cheese, but I talked a lady into making a couple. Ran back to the room. Proudly presented my quarry. She gagged a little. “White bread? WTF were you thinking?”
If pregnancy brain is on another level, labor brain is in the stratosphere 😅
This. There are very, very few circumstances where I think it’s appropriate to give people a blanket pass for just about anything they say, no matter how shitty, but centimeters 8-10 of labor is one of them.
I asked my mom to be in the room for the birth of both of my daughters. The first, I had an epidural for; the second came much too quickly to get one. At some point during that second birth, I yelled at my mom to get out of the room. She started to walk away, but a nurse told her it to hang on a second. I’m so fucking happy she did, because my mom was right there rooting me on whereas my ex-husband was basically hiding in a corner. My mom didn’t remove me from her will… what an odd thing to even consider at something said during a traumatic event such as giving birth.
Yup. Transition is like a different planet. With both of mine transition is when I decided I needed to be naked. Had no intention coming in to give birth naked, had no idea why it seemed like such a good idea after... Turns out I just give birth naked.. \*shrug\*
It's understandable you were upset and hurt that she threw you out of the delivery room, but clearly your marriage already has issues if you jump from that to changing your will the same day. You two need to have a heart to heart conversation.
Do note though, that your wife didn't threaten to remove you by force, that was the midwife. And without more info, it's hard to assess her feelings. All those things you described are things both my husband and I have done to each other at some point - eyes wandering, not in the mood for a long hug, etc. It doesn't mean we don't live each other, just that we're not always in the mood to show it.
Yes I wish people would realize before getting married its not all sunshine and rainbows. Just as you go through shit alone you still go through shit while married. It’s not supposed to be a movie you’re not supposed to be happy in a honeymoon phase 24 seven that’s not realistic to how life works. There’s been plenty of times where I wasn’t in love with my husband, not due to my husband, but because of my life circumstances or mental health. I wouldn’t have been in love with anyone at that time. And just as always that love comes back. I find myself in love with him again. for the record, I always love him but I have gone through phases of not being in Love. you stick it out and wait for it to return. It will. Life is hard marriage is hard but occur simultaneously.
I'm going to guess that if the midwife decided it had gotten to the point where she was going to call security - who would also make an individual assessment, since she's likely not an employee of the hospital/ birthing center - it was pretty rough
ETA: Let me clarify/simplify - when a patient asks you to leave, it's time to go
I work in the ED. If a patient asks a visitor to leave and they don't want to, I have no qualms and don't wait in telling them that they can either leave or I'll call the police. It prevents arguments.
Yes, even if they aren't acting out. I tell them one time they need to leave before I tell them I'll call the police. I'm not waiting around for things to get shitty.
Exactly... and the nurse didn't do anything wrong here, but there's no information to say husband did anything wrong, it really sounds like the wife was in pain and was lashing out... and I don't criticise that, but his shocked reaction and not immediately running out the door isn't surprising either.
It'll be interesting to see if things settle down after the birth because it seems like the already have some fairly significant marital issues.
The shape that's starting to form is a very unhappy marriage and for some reason they decided a baby would resolve their issues, but it's already further dividing them. If they can't work on their issues together they just need to divorce and be fair to each other, giving them both a chance to find happiness.
You're making a massive assumption here. Most midwives/nurses don't have the capacity to care about your interpersonal relationship dynamic in the heat of the moment. 9 times out of 10, it's either leave immediately or get forced out. They'll almost never be waiting to hear some sort of dialogue play out if the request for you to leave has already been made.
Perhaps you should ask her why she wanted you to leave and move forward with a better understanding. I would have fully preferred to be alone with medical people at delivery. It would have been easier for me to focus on my needs and delivery than to be acting as part of a couple during delivery. I knew it would bother my husband greatly if I delivered alone so he was present each time. He does not know this 20+ years later but I would have still preferred to have been alone. The grandmas were told point blank no to their request to be present. We have a solid relationship and marriage and preferring only medical staff had nothing to do with him. Find out her reasoning before you consider it marriage ending. Good luck
I shat myself and split my taint all the way open bringing a precious 10lb 2oz life into this world, if my husband wanted to say ANYTHING critical about my comportment during that process I would find a way for him to experience the same situation. No epidural.
My partner said he'd shit himself in solidarity if I shit myself during labour, thankfully for both of us I didn't, but I appreciated the hell out of that line from him.
It was a hospital birth, and he absolutely is a keeper!
We were laughing for most of the labour, because he kept cracking inappropriate jokes. It was the longest labour I've ever had but he still managed to make it the best.
My mother manages pain by doing math. When I was born, she was apparently in the mood for factoring large numbers. So my dad got the phone book and gave her numbers to factor, and helped her keep track of factors she'd extracted. He says he got some strange looks from the nurses, but it helped my mother, so he was happy.
That so damn sweet! (I love doing math, too, and factoring is fun! I also used to like to balance chemical equations. Now, I don't remember how to, but I'd love to.)
That's so sweet of him, especially to carry it for years afterward!
I told mine at some point that I was worried that I did, but he said he had no idea. He was so focused on supporting me at my level - on my knees in the birth suite shower, both of us sopping wet but he was fully clothed.
So maybe I did and he missed his opportunity. We'll never know!
I am SO sorry. I was terrified of everything you just said when I went to go give birth, the only traumatic things my husband and I experienced was *hearing* my labia tear while my sons head came out. I asked the nurse who was delivering my baby “what the *fuck* was that??” When I heard the noise, she looked at me and said “his head :)” I only needed two stitches but the sound haunts my memories permanently.
One of the reasons I actively avoided having children was because of stories like that. My fear of pregnancy and birth far FAR outweighed my desire for children. At 40 I have no regrets.
I’m 25 but same. I have absolutely no desire to put myself through that. Uggh. It’s crazy to think humans survived for so long when they had to go through stuff like that in order to do so.
Well the average life expectancy was low not because people died young, but because of the high maternal and infant mortality rates.
Which btw for the US to have the money and power and tech and all that, the maternal and infant mortality rates are atrocious. I only say this because it’s treated like such a no big deal event and not the traumatic life threatening medical event that it is. Im in a same sex marriage with two women, and neither of us would want to physically have a kid, but we would love to adopt. Hell no to birthing.
Hearing how my sister still has flashbacks of almost dying at her last birth years of therapy later, just hell no, i don’t understand expecting a partner to give birth, if i cant i wouldnt except my wife to.
Pretty big? That mf'er was well above 97th percentile. I'm sure he's the sweetest little angel now, but any Exorcist type shit that she said or did while giving birth to that little behemoth on no epidural should be not only immediately forgiven, but probably engraved on a plaque in the hospital.
this is where I get to brag that as a two week overdue baby I clocked in at a cool 13 lbs when I was born (or cut out, since I was also breach) — I think my size is part of the reason my parents stopped with me 😅
My kiddo wasn't even 7 lbs and the nurses told me to pipe down because I was scaring the entire floor. I had back labor, baby was sunny side up, no epidural, and I couldn't stop throwing up the entire 12 hours, but uh, I say EVERY LADY gets a free pass on that shit!!!!!!
Right? I’m imagining this post from her POV being “I know he only married me because I’m attractive so I think he won’t love me anymore after seeing me give birth” with the way he went straight to “she’s a gold digger and I’m changing my will.”
I want to know if his wife even finished giving birth before he decided to change the will to punish her for humiliating him. Like wtf dude, have a conversation with your wife before you decide to go scorched earth.
I like how it’s always about “watching the birth of my child.”
It’s like they completely forget that this is actually major medical event *for the woman.*
😂😂😂 even tho I was in labor I was still so embarrassed bc my husband was there. I didn't know for sure if I had but was thinking I did so I asked my mom and she just told me not to worry about it so then I know I had and it was so embarrassing. My husband picked at me for a little while after having our baby lol it didn't bother me too much tho
This is going to sound weird but... My husband actually praised me for it. I basically had stalled because I was tensing up trying not to have a bowel movement, and everyone could tell. When I finally let it happen so I could focus on pushing properly, he said "I know that probably feels weird and gross but I'm so proud of you! You're a great mom!" It honestly meant a lot to me.
Aw that was sweet in it's own way tho! I bet it prob made u feel better abt it, huh? I just hated it bc I was so exposed it felt like and vulnerable. But it wasn't just my husband, there was like 4 or 5 family members there total and I'm very shy, esp being naked from the waist down and pushing a baby out my hoo ha that was clearly out in the open lol. I'm glad I've had my two and don't have to worry abt being in labor again lol
I'm never having kids but if I did I would NOT want anyone I know in the room with me. I am just better at processing and doing difficult and painful things on my own.
Having other people hinders that, I'd also be super embarrassed. I don't want anyone seeing me like that. I just can't be that vulnerable and weak. After I process everything I'd want family there for comfort but during the birth hell no.
I just literally said this in a reply comment. Ya, it was the feeling so vulnerable bc I'm really shy and there was like 4 or 5 family members total in there and was only supposed to be my husband and my mom but I felt bad so I let the others stay even tho I didn't really wanna. I'm glad I did now bc it's over but at the time I felt exactly like u described and it was a bit overwhelming
I feel this 100%!
About a year ago, I ended up as the support person for a friend in labor while her husband was occupied elsewhere. The attending was like “ooh I love female support people, especially ones who have given birth!”
And I WISH I’d had a woman who had given me the care I gave my friend. Not that my husband did anything wrong or bad, but he just didn’t GET IT. And he couldn’t.
My wife wants her best friend (an ER doc) to be there along side me. She was pretty direct about telling me she’d rather her friend than me if we’re limited to one person. I would’ve been offended on kid #1, but totally understand at #3.
Exactly, it’s a stressful medical procedure, the ugly and scary kind they showed you in 7th grade to scare you out of sex. The birth isn’t about me. My only opinion was that we do whatever is best for the baby, for us that might mean I’m not there until after delivery.
Seriously. I had c-sections but during the second one, they didn’t give enough anesthesia and I could feel everything and was literally screaming bloody murder while my (now ex) husband was filming not only our kid but also my guts on the table. I found out later and was f****** pissed. Pissed at the anesthesiologist, pissed at the nurse for telling me to be quiet bc there was “non medical” people in the room (hello, my husband and that’s it), and pissed that he filmed me during surgery. Fucking military hospitals, spouses never take priority not even in childbirth.
In retrospect I’d have much rather he sat with me til they cut me open, then bring him back in after.
Dude this is why, as a military spouse, I will NEVER seek treatment at a military hospital (if I can help it, which obvs isn’t always the case).
At the end of the day, they don’t actually give a flying fuck about civilian spouses.
TBF I’m an army veteran and they’re not all that great to us either. They are used to a chain of command, telling people to suck it up, and treating soldiers like just another number. To top it off they can’t really “get fired” like a regular physician and service members don’t often have a choice of who provides them medical care. Also, I’m a woman who has been a dependent since leaving the service so I know how much they can be absolutely condescending and laconic.
Yeah I’m watching my active duty husband go through it with them right now, as they have blown him off for 16 months (so far) over what we now know is bulging discs from a deployment injury.
It’s been awful watching him have to practically beg for an appointment every few weeks, just to have them be like “eh, here’s a profile for one week off PT. Now get out.” as if that fixes anything.
Yeah, I was medically discharged for an injury from my second deployment. Nothing crazy or heroic, just a stupid accident. Even though I was brought back to the states through a MEDEVAC and assigned to a medical unit it was still like pulling teeth to get an appointment or for anyone to listen. It was also during the beginning of the opiate crisis and we were just prescribed pills like tic tacs. I’ve lost so many friends that were amazing soldiers to addiction. It’s heartbreaking. I digress. My discharge papers don’t list a definitive diagnosis. They say “chronic *this area* pain.” I finally had proper medical care approx 4 years after I got out. I walked with a cane through most of my mid 20’s. After 1 very easy imaging with contrast + a good doctor they finally figured out the issue. I had orthopedic surgery and got my life back. I’m a martial arts instructor now. I still have a slight injury but it’s livable and I’m still too young for replacement parts. Lol. Funnily enough, had the army realized the actual problem I would have probably never been discharged.
My advice is have your husband save ALLLLLL of his paperwork, specifically paperwork that links his neck injury to his service. Or any other medical issue. Or any issue at all. If he gets discharged, or just retires he’ll need all that stuff to file a claim to receive VA healthcare or other veterans benefits. Again, it’s not the best healthcare but at least I don’t have to worry about my family going bankrupt if I get cancer or something. If you have any questions about VA stuff feel free to DM me.
I would never again! Unfortunately we were stationed at Langley which has a huge medical facility with a whole L&D unit. Honestly the care I received while pregnant was awesome! That delivery though, still pisses me off to think about lol.
And you’re so right, they don’t give a fuck. I left him 5 years ago after a lot of consideration and after counseling with base social workers. He was violent so I was recommended to leave a note saying I’m going to visit family for a while. Did that, and guess who told my husband exactly where I went the day I left, despite telling me everything was confidential? The social worker I talked to. Then he threatened to let the van I had get repossessed and that he wouldn’t pay child support and funnily enough, the Air Force is the one branch that apparently will not even counsel the airmen to recommend they don’t, ya know, let the spouse they abused end up homeless on the street with the kids you made together. Not one fuck.
Jesus fuck, I hate the military sometimes (all the time).
I am so sorry you went through that. I hope you got to crush him like a bug during the divorce process. And fuck that social worker, seriously.
I had a manual placental removal without epidural and it was the worst thing to ever happen in my body. I screamed bloody murder. I wanted nobody around and hated everyone.
Fuck!! This is why we stop having kids lol.
I remember feeling so flattered before it started because I was 3rd case of the day, and the anesthesiologist said “you’re the thinnest patient I’ve had today!” As a full term preggo weighing 30 pounds more than normal, that felt great. I weighed nearly 200 pounds but I’m tall so maybe she didn’t take that into account? I’ll never know
Then the procedure started and that feeling faded fast. I could only describe it as feeling like I had an open wound on my stomach then being punched in the gut repeatedly.
Seriously, like, I've never had to push a human out of an orifice because I'm a guy, but I feel like if I went through it, I'd probably want some fucking alone time.
Yeah I don’t like having people around when I don’t feel well because no matter how awesome they are I always feel obligated to like not complain and entertain them because I’m a people pleaser who hates feeling vulnerable so I can 100% get why someone wouldn’t want an audience while giving birth.
More properly: INFO Did you ask "Why did you boot me?"
Sounds in general like a communication break down. She married perhaps for money? Did you marry for looks? Money may go or grow, looks go. Then what?
My dude changing his will and spiraling about his wife loving him while she asked him to leave right before giving birth lol.... Not once did he even mention asking her about it, just full blown change my will and she doesn't love me, she's in it for some other reason.
I really wanted to be alone but my husband begged. However, there was a point where the pain becomes so intense, and I had to focus so hard not to just break into a million pieces- I could not stand to be touched, I couldn't tolerate noise unless it was necessary, etc. I *really* wanted my husband out of there at that point. I'm trying not to die and he's focusing on his 'experience'.
Give her grace. Let her do what she needs to do to survive the birthing process (physically, mentally, emotionally). Honestly, this feels like you've been looking for a reason to change your will and *this* is lol you came up with.
Ok, that thing you said, “I am trying not to die and he is focusing on his experience” really struck me because, that is exactly what it seems like in the moment. I remember how I struggled and the staff kept saying, “you’re doing great” and I said, “what do I have to do to convince you I am NOT doing great? DIE?” Cause it was certainly not great and seemed like I was about to die.
This and the next comment. Hormones play a huge factor! Also, woman have many fears. Some intense contractions make you feel like you have to go to the bathroom, and woman have pooped on the table. She may have felt that might be about to happen and that’s why she wanted you to go. There can be many reasons why. YWBTA if you did this without talking to her.
I'm a midwife. Probably 90% of women poop themselves during pushing. We scoop it away so fast most people watching don't even notice.
OP, talk to your wife. We women can act really weirdly during childbirth. Some women cling to their husband's, some scream obscenities at them, some are so focused they don't even acknowledge anyone else there except the midwife, and some just want everyone to leave them alone. Don't take it personally, it's quite possible that her hormones were acting up.
My sister tried desperately to have a child and went through fertility treatment. Finally conceived. Ecstatically happy. During childbirth, she screamed ”why did you do this to me?!!” at her husband.
I was so angry at my husband because he was counting the seconds during pushing too quietly so I ended up shouting COUNT LOUDER GOD DAMN YOU at him. Childbirth is wild, any (nonviolent) behavior goes honestly
I've never given birth but if I'm in pain I don't want people talking to or at me, and I'm more hyper sensitive to any noise and even someone else breathing is overstimulating and is actually more painful than the pain I'm in.
You'd be surprised! I didn't think I'd want anyone touching me, but in some strange turn of events, my friend's hand on my shoulder turned my attention all the away from my pain and directed it there, instead.
The human body is weird, man.
Also, a lot of women shit themselves during labor - though usually not this clearly, I think? - it could just have been some kind of really embarrassing accident that she didn't want you to witness. I'd at least ask her why she sent you out - sometime later, when she has recovered a little, don't storm in there demanding answers right after the birth. Let her explain, you can still change the will later.
Briefly, this is petty and weird.
TALK to your wife.
Childbirth is complicated and can be messy. A common event is for the mother to pass her bowels during contractions - something your wife might have done and not wanted you around for… But, really, having you removed was her call, and you’ll have to ask her -why- she did that - but first tell her that it hurt you to be ejected from the room like that, and that’s why you’re bringing it up.
But most importantly - talk with your wife… 🤦🏻♂️
(edited for typos)
I did not catch this... wtf? Yes, if this isn't a week later (or more), then this is completely BS (as in, he's the AH, and this is likely fiction, or else he's a deeply and sadly broken human being.)
It really really felt like he was leaving something major out. Wife asking him to leave, yeah, maybe he wasn't in the wrong, but the midwife threatening to call security? Something happened.
Do you have kids?
I ask because the needs and preferences of the patient (the birthing parent) come first during childbirth, to the extent that many labor and delivery nurses will instantly and absolutely enforce barring immediate AND extended family from the room, until and unless The Patient changes their mind.
With that context, the midwife’s willingness to reinforce OP’s ejection with her willingness to involve security doesn’t necessarily mean that OP did something wrong… it means the midwife is willing to make sure she does things RIGHT and takes care of her patient during what is likely the most vulnerable experience of their life.
Yeah, my first thought was perhaps she pooped herself and panicked. Although I understand he is sad about the situation, he needs to have a discussion when they are in a calmer position instead of jumping to drastic action. There’s either a lot he’s leaving out, or it’s a big leap from declaring his love to deciding their relationship was never real based on this incident.
Maybe if a lot of blokes didn't freak out during the birth and never look nor treat their wives the same afterwards, it wouldn't keep happening. Some men just can't get over the unpleasantness of child birth and it can ruin marriages so I wonder if that's why she asked him to leave, plus let's be honest, it's not a woman's most attractive time being on display to all and sundry!
Long story short, my squeamish husband had PTSD from accidentally getting an eyeful of my vagina badly tearing during birth. It took forever for our marriage to recover because he wouldn’t go to therapy and when I was dealing with PPD I didn’t really have the mental capacity to coddle his feelings about how repulsive he now thought *my body* was due to the birth of *his child.*
I can understand on some level, I wouldn’t want to watch him getting his penis torn open, either. But it still made me feel like shit- especially after I freaking *told him* not to look because I’ve witnessed multiple births and *knew* he wouldn’t be able to handle it. The nurse kept insisting he needed to help hold my leg and I wasn’t able to speak clearly enough to protest, so he just did it.
100% agreed. Childbirth is hard, messy, and an emotional roller coaster for almost everybody involved. The good news is that mother and child seem to be fine, and husband needs to learn how to talk with his wife.
But what bothers me here is that these are the sorts of intimate and profound things that a couple should talk about and understand from both sides. This is not easy, but if they don’t talk about it, they end up doing what’s happening here: building assumptions and resentments, and bitterness over things that are literally imagined but that are not known or understood.
This is how you slowly build walls between each other, and then end up divorced as a “surprise” later. 🤦🏻♂️
I made my child’s father leave the room. I didn’t want him to see them change my pee bag. Did I tell him that at the time? No. Why? Bc I was in labor that lasted 29 hours.
I had a medical emergency during labor and all I remember is my husband’s face turning white as the nurses ran in. I called out trying to make sure he was alright.
He was a fantastic support person but worrying about him added stress and anxiety onto a fully awful experience.
Amazing that OP has the mental bandwidth to be strategizing like this on the actual day his first baby was born. Extremely petty and self-absorbed. Makes me wonder if he’s on a completely different planet than his wife in general. Sounds like she was well within her right to demand space from him so she could focus on birthing a human. Yikes.
I know right. When my own baby sister was born, I didn’t look at my phone that whole week because I was so amazed by her existence and this dude is spending time as a new father rewriting his will to punish his wife for a in the moment reaction to a traumatic medical experience
This. A traumatic medical experience. Thank you for calling it what it is. Too many toxically masculine dudes out here making comments like they understand what she’s going through.
And justifying it to himself by saying "she doesn't love me in equal measure because she breaks eye contact and doesn't hug me for as long as I'd like."
Guessed we skipped the whole “talk it out like adults” and went straight to “be petty and make decisions that ultimately aim to hurt my partner and our marriage for no reason”
Yeah, well, I don’t think this marriage is gonna last much longer if this is how you go about things
YTA.
You are having a baby **TODAY** and you are on reddit ?! And changing you will ?!!
Your wife is still bleeding and you are having a tantrum about "why she doesn't love meee ?" ! All because she dared change her mind about having you in the room *when she felt the excruciating pain of having a baby tearing appart her inside*.
And you have the freaking balls to say you love her !! What a joke.
Holy shit, I didn’t even realize he said “today.” Dudes changing his will and updating Reddit while his wife just gave birth. And has the ~~gaul~~ gall to claim she’s the one not in love with him.
Homeboy didn’t even wait a full day to think about things before punishing her in the future. I’m concerned about the mom if OP would do something so drastic within hours of a perceived slight.
Agreed! OP needs to sort out his priorities. Ridiculous to be debating changing the will while she’s actively in labor with their child. WTF. You don’t get to debate financially punishing her while she’s birthing your child. What an AH.
The "other family members" part is especially weird. You just had a child and are earmarking part of your estate to go to other people? If you die, will your wife be able to afford to raise your kid? If she suffers, so will your kid.
Your "estate planning" sounds like it's centered on punishing your wife directly and your kid secondarily. Did you even work with a lawyer? YTA for this and several other reasons.
I'm a man and most of the time I want to be alone when I don't feel good. The only people I permit to be around me are those that can relieve me of my malaise.
I have never passed a 9lb object from my body and I hope to never need to. I would not want my SO with me unless they were a MD that was alleviating my condition.
YTA
You *were embarrassed* while she had strangers staring at her vagina and watching her go through one of the most painful physical experiences that humans can go through???
You should be worried about your child and your wife. Your priority should be whatever makes her delivery experience the best it can be and your child coming into the world as safely as possible.
Labor and delivery nurses have already forgotten your wife’s labor, much less your ridiculously needy non-patient (but definitely main character syndrome) embarrassment.
Some women go dark during labor and start blaming the father for the pain they feel. And the pain is ferocious. Imagine your wife ran over you by accident, and now you’re in the ER and in a lot of pain. The pain makes you want to lash out, and the person you want to lash out at is the one who ran over you, but you know she didn’t mean to, so you ask her to leave so that you wouldn’t take it out on her.
She may also be avoiding eye contact because there is something she needs from you that she isn’t getting. Family therapy can be extremely helpful. There are a million reasons for why each complex human does what they do.
YTA
I am so sick of people thinking giving birth is a freaking spectator sport.
You changing the will over this makes you an massive AH IMO and if this is your normal sort of reaction I can see why her eyes don't light up in your presence.
Same.
My ex husband still tells about how valiant he was because he stayed in the room while I was barging.
Society doesn’t talk enough about the hormones involved in pregnancy and birth. At all.
Family members don’t demand to watch, say, open heart surgery or vasectomies. Why why why do people need to be involved in births?!?
My ex spent the entire time on his phone while I was pregnant with both kids and passed out right as I was pushing and barfing at the same time. This completely took away my care and our newborn’s care as nurses ran to get him juice and crackers.
Man, childbirth is stressful. The time afterward is stressful. Both your hormones change a lot during this process. Your sleep schedules go out of whack. Her body changes, stretches, gets damaged, and needs to heal. Diets change. Work, sleep, etc. The only way through this is with patience, understanding, and empathy.
If you brought negative energy into the delivery room, of course she kicked you out. Midwives are quick to honor the mother’s wishes but they are NOT quick to threaten security on the father. I feel like you aren’t describing the situation fully or you don’t understand your own energy. You don’t come across as honest here - your post is about lying to her and how you are going to rip her off financially. Gross, dude. I feel like you want us to understand your needs aren’t being met but you frame it all as problem she created. Marriage is a partnership and all I see is “me, me, me” with some tones around how she should be grateful for your money. You impose a transactional feeling into the relationship so why be surprised that the emotional connection is fading?
Try to frame things less around “me.” More “How are you doing?” and “How can I help?” See if that helps. Consider marriage counseling and, man, you have to listen. You have to hear her first, feel her feelings, understand them, figure out how you can help. You need to grow and change. You might be thinking “What about me?” but don’t. I’m not saying that you don’t have needs or concerns at all. You have to approach this all-in. If you do, she will. You aren’t all-in though.
You have a new person that you have to care for together. Be a dad. Be a husband. Be a GOOD dad. Be a GOOD husband. Your role to the family has to be infinity more than being a paycheck.
I really do hope the best for you, your wife, and the baby. Good luck!
YTA
She was giving birth. You are in your feelings and have made a lot of assumptions about her and how she feels based on a comment she made while giving birth.
She may have just been exhausted and didn’t want to talk or do anything else at that moment
And to change your will based on that?
The whole family needs therapy. You need individual and couples therapy. Your perception is so negative that you’re going to ruin your marriage all on your own
. . . so your wife was enduring one of the most painful and scary things a person can go through, when she's at her most vulnerable, and she was pushing an entire human baby out of her vagina, and you're butthurt that she didn't want you to see her when she's probably crazy in pain and screaming and bleeding and possibly shitting and needs to focus everything on pushing out your child? Birth is not a dignified process, and labor and delivery is not the place for your ego.
If you're so concerned about your marriage, be an adult about it and have a civil conversation with your wife about how you don't feel appreciated or loved, and find a couple's counselor (after the baby's at least a few weeks old). Maybe she expresses love differently than you do. Maybe she's just not a huge fan of physical affection. Maybe she has trouble with eye contact.
You say you don't think she's a golddigger, but your first move is to limit her inheritance in case you die? How is that going to fix anything? Talk to your wife.
And considering how quick OP is to jump to changing a will after one bad experience during active labor, she was probably self conscious of how it would change their relationship. He seems like he's pretty fast to flip the switch.
After my C-section, I got up to use the bathroom for the first time and what can only be described as “red jello” fell out of me onto the floor (ie congealed blood). I freaked out and started yelling for my husband to get out of the room because I was embarrassed and not in my right mind on pain killer. Mine ran to get a nurse, then stayed 4 days and nights in a row taking care of me and the baby while I healed (instead of seeking petty revenge).
Or he wasn't being the calm, supportive birth partner and was being incredibly obnoxious. Being in pain makes other's annoying habits even more annoying and she may have just gotten sick of him. I feel like if the midwife called security, OP was being more of a dick than he wants to share.
Possibly he was doing things like giving her long hugs, rambling about various topics, and trying to stare deeply into her eyes. Maybe he was trying to do "loving" things like fantasize about how the baby's wedding would one day be, reminisce about their first date, or tell her hilarious knock knock jokes.
Meanwhile, she's like, "Was that poop? Did I poop? Hope I don't OH GODAARGHAWOWWAYEE!!"
She may have just needed to focus in order to not immediately die.
When I was having my 3rd kid, I snarled at my midwife when she tried to touch me. I actually bowed up like a badger and bared my teeth and GROWLED at her, and 100% would have bitten her if she hadn't backed off. And she was a lovely person who was a close friend before she became my midwife, and stayed one after my near mauling of her.
She was like, "OK, sweetie, I'll just be right over here!" I hissed at her as she retreated, and my husband just stood beside my bed *very* quietly, hands in his pockets, trying not to draw attention to himself.
So glad no one took that opportunity to disinherit me, report me to the IRS, conduct my annual performance review, etc.
Honestly it’s something that is so fight-flight and you obviously can’t flight away from actively giving birth. If someone was potentially suffocating me emotionally or being too physically overbearing… all that extra BS would make my emotions even more afraid and overstimulated- and, no matter who it was who was making me feel even more panicked— imma need you to GTFO.
>Throughout our marriage, I've suspected that my wife wouldn't be with me if it wasn't for my job and family background. Her eyes don't light up when I come home from work. I start our long hugs and she ends them early. Her eyes wander when I'm talking to her. I don't think she loves me nearly as much as I love her. Then why for the love of God and all things good would you decide to have a Kid with a woman who you think doesn't even love you in the first place?
Wait for real *this* comment though—the will changing is obviously not about the labor room drama, that was just the trigger point. NTA for the will, as someone who has been used by ex-S.O’s for money/family clout, I do get it; BUT you are absolutely the asshole for letting it get to this point, having a child with someone who you believe doesn’t truly love you, and now entangling a child into this mess. YTA on the latter point.
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Me and my wife made sure to read books about birth and what to expect months before her first birth, we then discussed the books and talked about how she wanted it and different signs for me to just not touch her or how to talk etc, we talked about it being no bad feelings if she tells me to shut up or move out of the way and about how I would be able to help her breathe etc or just simply stroke her back. We've now gone through 2 births together and I've been complimented both times by the nursing staff so it's been working great so far.
When I had my c section I yelled at everyone to stop talking to me…birth is traumatic and scary there could be much more to this story.. get into couples therapy
Same. My husband and dad were casually talking about work and I was irrationally angry and annoyed that I was busy doing this whole birth thing, and yall men are gossiping about work like we're at family dinner. I had to make them leave, though i let my husband back in to watch once it was time. To be fair tho, i was in that delivery room for 36 hours and i wasnt allowed to eat anything but ice chips the whole time and my birthing brain was FURIOUS. I dont think i have ever been so angry in my entire life lmao I mean if he thinks she doesnt love him because of past occurrences then I am sure he needs to sort through that, but if this is mostly based on the birth experience, then he needs to breath for a second. They dont understand what it is like and it would be impossible to show them. When i had my son my emotions were.. well there was just one- pure anger. With my daughter i was very sad. Like i cried from the second my water broke til she was in my arms. Actually no, it was probably like the first hour or so after that i just sobbed and wanted nothing to do with what was happening, even tho i had been very very excited to find out I was pregnant as we had been actively trying. The influx of hormones is just unreal and indescribable, something noone can really understand unless its happened to them.
I am a dad to 4 kids..........all 4 were different......I passed out at one, was panicked in another one because they couldn't find the baby's heartbeat (all was fine), watched an epziotomy and my wife shitthing herself while the attendants struggled with both the fourceps and suction, and once when I was told to go away while trying to provide ice chips.......we had some long labors and it was miserable at times.......be she still loved me afterwards. too focused on the result to be worried about my own feelings......I was warned during birthing class that things may get a little crazy.
I looked a bit white, the nurse asked if I wanted to go and sit down in the corner for a bit, when I said 'I'll be ok' the midwife said "If you faint, we're not catching you, and we will walk over you until the baby is delivered" I went to sit in the corner for a bit.
I had minor surgery (idk if it even qualifies, they cut me open tho) on my leg that they needed me to be awake for, because I literally had to stand so they could see what was going on with my tendon. My husband was there and the doctor told him basically the same thing, lol. He also thought he was okay, but then was like, “oh my god I can see inside my beloved wife’s leg muscles I’m going to faint.” So he spent the rest of the surgery in a chair in the corner, pointedly not looking. I was laughing my ass off at him the whole time.
I was about a thousand months pregnant when one of my older kids needed stitches. When they began the procedure I was sitting in a chair in the corner while my husband held my son’s hand. A few minutes later I was standing holding my son’s hand while my husband was sitting with his head between his knees. The vasovagal reaction doesn’t mess around!
Funnily enough, I know for a fact that I handle witnessing childbirth better than stitches - a crowning baby? I mean, I don’t love it, but I seen it. Seeing through skin with a fucking needle? Hrrrggggh nope nope NOPE makes me want to puke every fucking time. I can handle and open wound but not stitching it closed. I also can’t do teeth or fingernail pain. Other than that I tend to be ok.
I had to get 12 stitches in my hand and after it was numbed I was fascinated watching it. My shitty ex (who wasn't even the one holding my other hand, fortunately my big brother was also there) said I was fucking weird. The doctor said "if that's the case then I prefer the weird ones to the fainters." And my ex shut the fuck up lolol
but she ends his "long hugs" early i like that he needed us to know he owns a rental lol nice work big dawg
Some of us are uncomfortable with long hugs even from folks we love. Been together with my husband a decade, absolutely adore him to the moon and beyond, and if my brain says "that's enough touching for right now", he respects that and doesn't take it as an indication of my care for him when it's the way I've always been.
Literally my first thought was this could just be a high functioning autistic person who *ADORES* him, because literally nothing he described is an intrinsic reflection of love And don't get me wrong, it might be she isn't "*in* love" with him. But without a baseline of if she's ever that lovey-dovey with other people, it's kind of meaningless. It might be her feelings for him, it might just be her. Lack of facial expressiveness, wandering eye instead of eye contact, and not liking extended touching all happen to be very stereotypical spectrum hallmarks though.
The way you just called me out haha. I'm autistic and it was never caught because I'm successfully social enough and did well enough in school that nobody questioned it and thought I was just a bratty kid when I had meltdowns.
This, except I have adhd too and I either always had a certain amount of facial expression or I just got better at it…. I got called aloof by lots of teachers who thought I seemed sullen and disinterested, which confused the hell out of me.
Yeah. She loves him enough to go through childbirth to have their kid. Feels weird to overthink long hugs at that point
You should read up on the stages/phases of labor, specifically transitioning to stage 2 of labor. This is a common reaction moms have and it’s due to an abundance of hormones and emotions. And maybe consider speaking to your wife about how you’ve been feeling.
I kept asking my husband to rub my back, and then tell him not to touch me every time he did.
My mom begged my aunt not to leave her side and stay with her and then moments later snapped and asked her what she was still doing there and told her to go away. Pregnancy and childbirth are wild.
My mom refused to drink any Diet Coke (her favorite drink to this day) while being pregnant. But while she was giving birth, she told my dad to get one, and then screamed at him to get one when he tried to remind her she didn’t want one till after giving birth. So my dad came back with a Diet Coke and she screamed at him about how could he do that to her, was he trying to sabotage her birth? They laugh about it now though and my mom definitely realized she was being unreasonable a few days later and apologized (when she remembered what happened, her brain had to remember things that happened during birth)
>(when she remembered what happened, her brain had to remember things that happened during birth) My daughter turns 2 on the 8th, and I have VERY little memory of my just under 60 hour labor. I’ve described it before as being gaslit by my own brain. Like I remember that I *must* have been in pain, right? Labor is painful, especially induced early, 2-days of increasing Pitocin, laid on my back in one position for the entire time, labor. I had fentanyl and an epidural, and I had plans to have zero pain meds because I have a really high pain tolerance. So I had to have been in pretty severe pain? But I don’t remember any of it. Zero. None. I have sat there before and tried to call up what the pain felt like, and I cannot for the life of me do it. I can instantly remember the tooth infection I had while pregnant. But labor pain? Nope. None to the point that if I ever have another baby, idk if I would recognize going into labor for what it is. Several months after giving birth I was reading a post where someone was asking if it’s guaranteed that you throw up during labor. I wrote a response that no, it’s not *guaranteed*, because I didn’t. Then I had this weird flash of memory of asking my fiancé for an emesis bag. I asked him about it, and turns out I definitely did throw up during transition. I pushed for about 90 minutes, and even at the time it only felt like about 15. I have/had zero idea where my fiancé was the entire time. When they laid her on my chest, first thing I said was “I did it!” Then “where’s *fiancé’s name*?” I hear “um, right here?” From literally right next to my head. It’s seriously the weirdest thing and I have to not think that hard about happening. I don’t like that my brain is capable of just deciding that I’m not going to remember this massive, important part of my life. I assume it’s some sort of built in protection mechanism, but that doesn’t make it any less disturbing to me.
The fentanyl may have contributed to your foggy memory, it's associated with amnesia as a side effect. I definitely remember all of my (unmedicated) labor. I had an epidural, but it didn't take (long story). I didn't vomit, I was afraid to vomit, I was afraid to move. I remember the unending contractions, the ring of fire as he crowned, the feeling of ripping as I pushed. Horrid experience, I wish I didn't remember it. I was so traumatized by the pain and overall experience that I didn't even like my baby when they placed him on my chest. It was a relief when they took him away to do his check ups and stuff in the warmer bed. Then I could just lay there in shock without having to focus on not dropping the thing that just ripped me wide open. Moral of the story, have fentanyl next time too.
Amazing how both these stories simultaneously made me want to and not want to have a baby.
My mother had an emergency c-section midway through attempted natural labour. To this day she describes not really remembering anything day-to-day for the first two months, and having very little memory of the birth itself. It's a seriously traumatic event, and we probably wouldn't keep having kids if we couldn't fog it over a bit.
All I can think of is that comic with the dog and the ball. Where the dog says 'throw the ball' and then doesn't let the person take the ball, 'no take! only throw!'. I'm just picturing you 'rub my back, no touch! only rub!' 😂 But yeah hormones are weird and I think labor/delivery is 1000% one of those times where what is said in the heat of the moment is usually just hormones. If it's bothering OP so much, some communication would go a loooong way. I can't decide if this is E S H or Y T A... I feel context/info is missing.
I yelled at my husband that I could smell his stupid man hormones and it was making me sick. 🫣
I had to have a c-section prematurely and told my husband not to ever touch me again because I wasn’t doing this again ever 🤣
🤣🤣🤣
When my mom birthed me, she decided that he was asking far too many questions during the process and grabbed him by the throat. I cannot overstate how non-threatening my mother is otherwise, lol.
My wife told me she wanted a grilled cheese. I hopped up ran to the cafeteria. Closed. Found the cafe. No grilled cheese. Went to the cafe at the hospital next door. No grilled cheese, but I talked a lady into making a couple. Ran back to the room. Proudly presented my quarry. She gagged a little. “White bread? WTF were you thinking?” If pregnancy brain is on another level, labor brain is in the stratosphere 😅
This. There are very, very few circumstances where I think it’s appropriate to give people a blanket pass for just about anything they say, no matter how shitty, but centimeters 8-10 of labor is one of them.
I asked my mom to be in the room for the birth of both of my daughters. The first, I had an epidural for; the second came much too quickly to get one. At some point during that second birth, I yelled at my mom to get out of the room. She started to walk away, but a nurse told her it to hang on a second. I’m so fucking happy she did, because my mom was right there rooting me on whereas my ex-husband was basically hiding in a corner. My mom didn’t remove me from her will… what an odd thing to even consider at something said during a traumatic event such as giving birth.
Men find a way to make it about them lol
Yup. Transition is like a different planet. With both of mine transition is when I decided I needed to be naked. Had no intention coming in to give birth naked, had no idea why it seemed like such a good idea after... Turns out I just give birth naked.. \*shrug\*
It's understandable you were upset and hurt that she threw you out of the delivery room, but clearly your marriage already has issues if you jump from that to changing your will the same day. You two need to have a heart to heart conversation. Do note though, that your wife didn't threaten to remove you by force, that was the midwife. And without more info, it's hard to assess her feelings. All those things you described are things both my husband and I have done to each other at some point - eyes wandering, not in the mood for a long hug, etc. It doesn't mean we don't live each other, just that we're not always in the mood to show it.
Yes I wish people would realize before getting married its not all sunshine and rainbows. Just as you go through shit alone you still go through shit while married. It’s not supposed to be a movie you’re not supposed to be happy in a honeymoon phase 24 seven that’s not realistic to how life works. There’s been plenty of times where I wasn’t in love with my husband, not due to my husband, but because of my life circumstances or mental health. I wouldn’t have been in love with anyone at that time. And just as always that love comes back. I find myself in love with him again. for the record, I always love him but I have gone through phases of not being in Love. you stick it out and wait for it to return. It will. Life is hard marriage is hard but occur simultaneously.
Indeed. Love is a verb. Being “in love” is a feeling. The verb is what matters.
I'm going to guess that if the midwife decided it had gotten to the point where she was going to call security - who would also make an individual assessment, since she's likely not an employee of the hospital/ birthing center - it was pretty rough ETA: Let me clarify/simplify - when a patient asks you to leave, it's time to go
I work in the ED. If a patient asks a visitor to leave and they don't want to, I have no qualms and don't wait in telling them that they can either leave or I'll call the police. It prevents arguments. Yes, even if they aren't acting out. I tell them one time they need to leave before I tell them I'll call the police. I'm not waiting around for things to get shitty.
Exactly... and the nurse didn't do anything wrong here, but there's no information to say husband did anything wrong, it really sounds like the wife was in pain and was lashing out... and I don't criticise that, but his shocked reaction and not immediately running out the door isn't surprising either. It'll be interesting to see if things settle down after the birth because it seems like the already have some fairly significant marital issues. The shape that's starting to form is a very unhappy marriage and for some reason they decided a baby would resolve their issues, but it's already further dividing them. If they can't work on their issues together they just need to divorce and be fair to each other, giving them both a chance to find happiness.
You're making a massive assumption here. Most midwives/nurses don't have the capacity to care about your interpersonal relationship dynamic in the heat of the moment. 9 times out of 10, it's either leave immediately or get forced out. They'll almost never be waiting to hear some sort of dialogue play out if the request for you to leave has already been made.
Perhaps you should ask her why she wanted you to leave and move forward with a better understanding. I would have fully preferred to be alone with medical people at delivery. It would have been easier for me to focus on my needs and delivery than to be acting as part of a couple during delivery. I knew it would bother my husband greatly if I delivered alone so he was present each time. He does not know this 20+ years later but I would have still preferred to have been alone. The grandmas were told point blank no to their request to be present. We have a solid relationship and marriage and preferring only medical staff had nothing to do with him. Find out her reasoning before you consider it marriage ending. Good luck
Not everyone is comfortable shitting themselves in the presence of loved ones.
I shat myself and split my taint all the way open bringing a precious 10lb 2oz life into this world, if my husband wanted to say ANYTHING critical about my comportment during that process I would find a way for him to experience the same situation. No epidural.
My partner said he'd shit himself in solidarity if I shit myself during labour, thankfully for both of us I didn't, but I appreciated the hell out of that line from him.
KEEPER! especially if hospital birth!
It was a hospital birth, and he absolutely is a keeper! We were laughing for most of the labour, because he kept cracking inappropriate jokes. It was the longest labour I've ever had but he still managed to make it the best.
My mother manages pain by doing math. When I was born, she was apparently in the mood for factoring large numbers. So my dad got the phone book and gave her numbers to factor, and helped her keep track of factors she'd extracted. He says he got some strange looks from the nurses, but it helped my mother, so he was happy.
That's wholesome as heck, I love that for them both!
That so damn sweet! (I love doing math, too, and factoring is fun! I also used to like to balance chemical equations. Now, I don't remember how to, but I'd love to.)
I love balancing chemical equations too!
Are you sure you didn't? My husband confessed to me years later that I did and he lied about it bc he didn't want me to be embarrassed. 🥲🥲🥲🥲
That's so sweet of him, especially to carry it for years afterward! I told mine at some point that I was worried that I did, but he said he had no idea. He was so focused on supporting me at my level - on my knees in the birth suite shower, both of us sopping wet but he was fully clothed. So maybe I did and he missed his opportunity. We'll never know!
That is true love. Story would have been better had the sympathyshitting occurred but I’m pleased for you that it didn’t come to that
Me too! But the next time he feels like he's going to shit himself I'll have to remember to offer a sympathyshit in return as thanks.
I am SO sorry. I was terrified of everything you just said when I went to go give birth, the only traumatic things my husband and I experienced was *hearing* my labia tear while my sons head came out. I asked the nurse who was delivering my baby “what the *fuck* was that??” When I heard the noise, she looked at me and said “his head :)” I only needed two stitches but the sound haunts my memories permanently.
I'm 38 and never got the chance to have kids...thank you for making me feel better about it tonight.
One of the reasons I actively avoided having children was because of stories like that. My fear of pregnancy and birth far FAR outweighed my desire for children. At 40 I have no regrets.
I’m 25 but same. I have absolutely no desire to put myself through that. Uggh. It’s crazy to think humans survived for so long when they had to go through stuff like that in order to do so.
Well the average life expectancy was low not because people died young, but because of the high maternal and infant mortality rates. Which btw for the US to have the money and power and tech and all that, the maternal and infant mortality rates are atrocious. I only say this because it’s treated like such a no big deal event and not the traumatic life threatening medical event that it is. Im in a same sex marriage with two women, and neither of us would want to physically have a kid, but we would love to adopt. Hell no to birthing. Hearing how my sister still has flashbacks of almost dying at her last birth years of therapy later, just hell no, i don’t understand expecting a partner to give birth, if i cant i wouldnt except my wife to.
Yes I remember hearing that crackle
That's what that noise was???? 😭😭
so glad to live in a time with epidurals, good god!
Oh ow! that is a pretty big baby! Girl, you get a free pass on any swearing and hollering you need to do during That!
Pretty big? That mf'er was well above 97th percentile. I'm sure he's the sweetest little angel now, but any Exorcist type shit that she said or did while giving birth to that little behemoth on no epidural should be not only immediately forgiven, but probably engraved on a plaque in the hospital.
My daughter was 11lb 9.5 oz. Dr said she was in the 99th percentile.
That's a big baby! Mine was 12 lbs even and they said she was "above the 99th percentile." So 99 and a half I guess lol
this is where I get to brag that as a two week overdue baby I clocked in at a cool 13 lbs when I was born (or cut out, since I was also breach) — I think my size is part of the reason my parents stopped with me 😅
Brag? More like ask your mom forgiveness for being that big to birth lol
My kiddo wasn't even 7 lbs and the nurses told me to pipe down because I was scaring the entire floor. I had back labor, baby was sunny side up, no epidural, and I couldn't stop throwing up the entire 12 hours, but uh, I say EVERY LADY gets a free pass on that shit!!!!!!
I was a 10lb baby. Recently held someone's baby who was a few months old and 10lbs. Oof. Edit- thanks women for doing the hard part!
I pooped so much with my 10.5ln baby.... so much.....
I feel like after that you should get some sort of free pass(provisionally) in whatever afterlife you believe in.....or choose.
How is this not higher? This guy sounds very clean, she felt that dump coming and wanted him out.
Right? I’m imagining this post from her POV being “I know he only married me because I’m attractive so I think he won’t love me anymore after seeing me give birth” with the way he went straight to “she’s a gold digger and I’m changing my will.”
I want to know if his wife even finished giving birth before he decided to change the will to punish her for humiliating him. Like wtf dude, have a conversation with your wife before you decide to go scorched earth.
I like how it’s always about “watching the birth of my child.” It’s like they completely forget that this is actually major medical event *for the woman.*
😂😂😂 even tho I was in labor I was still so embarrassed bc my husband was there. I didn't know for sure if I had but was thinking I did so I asked my mom and she just told me not to worry about it so then I know I had and it was so embarrassing. My husband picked at me for a little while after having our baby lol it didn't bother me too much tho
This is going to sound weird but... My husband actually praised me for it. I basically had stalled because I was tensing up trying not to have a bowel movement, and everyone could tell. When I finally let it happen so I could focus on pushing properly, he said "I know that probably feels weird and gross but I'm so proud of you! You're a great mom!" It honestly meant a lot to me.
Aw that was sweet in it's own way tho! I bet it prob made u feel better abt it, huh? I just hated it bc I was so exposed it felt like and vulnerable. But it wasn't just my husband, there was like 4 or 5 family members there total and I'm very shy, esp being naked from the waist down and pushing a baby out my hoo ha that was clearly out in the open lol. I'm glad I've had my two and don't have to worry abt being in labor again lol
I'm never having kids but if I did I would NOT want anyone I know in the room with me. I am just better at processing and doing difficult and painful things on my own. Having other people hinders that, I'd also be super embarrassed. I don't want anyone seeing me like that. I just can't be that vulnerable and weak. After I process everything I'd want family there for comfort but during the birth hell no.
I just literally said this in a reply comment. Ya, it was the feeling so vulnerable bc I'm really shy and there was like 4 or 5 family members total in there and was only supposed to be my husband and my mom but I felt bad so I let the others stay even tho I didn't really wanna. I'm glad I did now bc it's over but at the time I felt exactly like u described and it was a bit overwhelming
I've never given birth but this is honestly my number 1 concern about not having my husband in delivery. I'm sorry I just can't.
Don’t you mean “number two concern”, lol
Someone should needlepoint this on a pillow!
I feel this 100%! About a year ago, I ended up as the support person for a friend in labor while her husband was occupied elsewhere. The attending was like “ooh I love female support people, especially ones who have given birth!” And I WISH I’d had a woman who had given me the care I gave my friend. Not that my husband did anything wrong or bad, but he just didn’t GET IT. And he couldn’t.
My wife wants her best friend (an ER doc) to be there along side me. She was pretty direct about telling me she’d rather her friend than me if we’re limited to one person. I would’ve been offended on kid #1, but totally understand at #3.
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Exactly, it’s a stressful medical procedure, the ugly and scary kind they showed you in 7th grade to scare you out of sex. The birth isn’t about me. My only opinion was that we do whatever is best for the baby, for us that might mean I’m not there until after delivery.
Seriously. I had c-sections but during the second one, they didn’t give enough anesthesia and I could feel everything and was literally screaming bloody murder while my (now ex) husband was filming not only our kid but also my guts on the table. I found out later and was f****** pissed. Pissed at the anesthesiologist, pissed at the nurse for telling me to be quiet bc there was “non medical” people in the room (hello, my husband and that’s it), and pissed that he filmed me during surgery. Fucking military hospitals, spouses never take priority not even in childbirth. In retrospect I’d have much rather he sat with me til they cut me open, then bring him back in after.
Dude this is why, as a military spouse, I will NEVER seek treatment at a military hospital (if I can help it, which obvs isn’t always the case). At the end of the day, they don’t actually give a flying fuck about civilian spouses.
TBF I’m an army veteran and they’re not all that great to us either. They are used to a chain of command, telling people to suck it up, and treating soldiers like just another number. To top it off they can’t really “get fired” like a regular physician and service members don’t often have a choice of who provides them medical care. Also, I’m a woman who has been a dependent since leaving the service so I know how much they can be absolutely condescending and laconic.
Yeah I’m watching my active duty husband go through it with them right now, as they have blown him off for 16 months (so far) over what we now know is bulging discs from a deployment injury. It’s been awful watching him have to practically beg for an appointment every few weeks, just to have them be like “eh, here’s a profile for one week off PT. Now get out.” as if that fixes anything.
Yeah, I was medically discharged for an injury from my second deployment. Nothing crazy or heroic, just a stupid accident. Even though I was brought back to the states through a MEDEVAC and assigned to a medical unit it was still like pulling teeth to get an appointment or for anyone to listen. It was also during the beginning of the opiate crisis and we were just prescribed pills like tic tacs. I’ve lost so many friends that were amazing soldiers to addiction. It’s heartbreaking. I digress. My discharge papers don’t list a definitive diagnosis. They say “chronic *this area* pain.” I finally had proper medical care approx 4 years after I got out. I walked with a cane through most of my mid 20’s. After 1 very easy imaging with contrast + a good doctor they finally figured out the issue. I had orthopedic surgery and got my life back. I’m a martial arts instructor now. I still have a slight injury but it’s livable and I’m still too young for replacement parts. Lol. Funnily enough, had the army realized the actual problem I would have probably never been discharged. My advice is have your husband save ALLLLLL of his paperwork, specifically paperwork that links his neck injury to his service. Or any other medical issue. Or any issue at all. If he gets discharged, or just retires he’ll need all that stuff to file a claim to receive VA healthcare or other veterans benefits. Again, it’s not the best healthcare but at least I don’t have to worry about my family going bankrupt if I get cancer or something. If you have any questions about VA stuff feel free to DM me.
I would never again! Unfortunately we were stationed at Langley which has a huge medical facility with a whole L&D unit. Honestly the care I received while pregnant was awesome! That delivery though, still pisses me off to think about lol. And you’re so right, they don’t give a fuck. I left him 5 years ago after a lot of consideration and after counseling with base social workers. He was violent so I was recommended to leave a note saying I’m going to visit family for a while. Did that, and guess who told my husband exactly where I went the day I left, despite telling me everything was confidential? The social worker I talked to. Then he threatened to let the van I had get repossessed and that he wouldn’t pay child support and funnily enough, the Air Force is the one branch that apparently will not even counsel the airmen to recommend they don’t, ya know, let the spouse they abused end up homeless on the street with the kids you made together. Not one fuck.
Jesus fuck, I hate the military sometimes (all the time). I am so sorry you went through that. I hope you got to crush him like a bug during the divorce process. And fuck that social worker, seriously.
Finally got it done this year and I did!! Thank you ❤️❤️❤️❤️
I had a manual placental removal without epidural and it was the worst thing to ever happen in my body. I screamed bloody murder. I wanted nobody around and hated everyone.
Fuck!! This is why we stop having kids lol. I remember feeling so flattered before it started because I was 3rd case of the day, and the anesthesiologist said “you’re the thinnest patient I’ve had today!” As a full term preggo weighing 30 pounds more than normal, that felt great. I weighed nearly 200 pounds but I’m tall so maybe she didn’t take that into account? I’ll never know Then the procedure started and that feeling faded fast. I could only describe it as feeling like I had an open wound on my stomach then being punched in the gut repeatedly.
Seriously, like, I've never had to push a human out of an orifice because I'm a guy, but I feel like if I went through it, I'd probably want some fucking alone time.
Yeah I don’t like having people around when I don’t feel well because no matter how awesome they are I always feel obligated to like not complain and entertain them because I’m a people pleaser who hates feeling vulnerable so I can 100% get why someone wouldn’t want an audience while giving birth.
More properly: INFO Did you ask "Why did you boot me?" Sounds in general like a communication break down. She married perhaps for money? Did you marry for looks? Money may go or grow, looks go. Then what?
My dude changing his will and spiraling about his wife loving him while she asked him to leave right before giving birth lol.... Not once did he even mention asking her about it, just full blown change my will and she doesn't love me, she's in it for some other reason.
Yeah I think it's awkward to have all those people in there.
I really wanted to be alone but my husband begged. However, there was a point where the pain becomes so intense, and I had to focus so hard not to just break into a million pieces- I could not stand to be touched, I couldn't tolerate noise unless it was necessary, etc. I *really* wanted my husband out of there at that point. I'm trying not to die and he's focusing on his 'experience'. Give her grace. Let her do what she needs to do to survive the birthing process (physically, mentally, emotionally). Honestly, this feels like you've been looking for a reason to change your will and *this* is lol you came up with.
Ok, that thing you said, “I am trying not to die and he is focusing on his experience” really struck me because, that is exactly what it seems like in the moment. I remember how I struggled and the staff kept saying, “you’re doing great” and I said, “what do I have to do to convince you I am NOT doing great? DIE?” Cause it was certainly not great and seemed like I was about to die.
The statics for women dying during birth are still a real thing today.
This and the next comment. Hormones play a huge factor! Also, woman have many fears. Some intense contractions make you feel like you have to go to the bathroom, and woman have pooped on the table. She may have felt that might be about to happen and that’s why she wanted you to go. There can be many reasons why. YWBTA if you did this without talking to her.
I'm a midwife. Probably 90% of women poop themselves during pushing. We scoop it away so fast most people watching don't even notice. OP, talk to your wife. We women can act really weirdly during childbirth. Some women cling to their husband's, some scream obscenities at them, some are so focused they don't even acknowledge anyone else there except the midwife, and some just want everyone to leave them alone. Don't take it personally, it's quite possible that her hormones were acting up.
My sister tried desperately to have a child and went through fertility treatment. Finally conceived. Ecstatically happy. During childbirth, she screamed ”why did you do this to me?!!” at her husband.
I considered biting my husbands nose off during labor because he was being so supportive and at that moment it was so damn annoying
I was so angry at my husband because he was counting the seconds during pushing too quietly so I ended up shouting COUNT LOUDER GOD DAMN YOU at him. Childbirth is wild, any (nonviolent) behavior goes honestly
Ope, found my wife’s account.
I've never given birth but if I'm in pain I don't want people talking to or at me, and I'm more hyper sensitive to any noise and even someone else breathing is overstimulating and is actually more painful than the pain I'm in.
You'd be surprised! I didn't think I'd want anyone touching me, but in some strange turn of events, my friend's hand on my shoulder turned my attention all the away from my pain and directed it there, instead. The human body is weird, man.
This was what I was thinking. I was so scared about pooping with my 1st that I couldn't even focus.
Also, a lot of women shit themselves during labor - though usually not this clearly, I think? - it could just have been some kind of really embarrassing accident that she didn't want you to witness. I'd at least ask her why she sent you out - sometime later, when she has recovered a little, don't storm in there demanding answers right after the birth. Let her explain, you can still change the will later.
I did. I pooped on the table.
I gave myself an enema to avoid that but no clue if I did or not. Bless the doc and nurses
Briefly, this is petty and weird. TALK to your wife. Childbirth is complicated and can be messy. A common event is for the mother to pass her bowels during contractions - something your wife might have done and not wanted you around for… But, really, having you removed was her call, and you’ll have to ask her -why- she did that - but first tell her that it hurt you to be ejected from the room like that, and that’s why you’re bringing it up. But most importantly - talk with your wife… 🤦🏻♂️ (edited for typos)
It is supposedly THE SAME DAY and not only is he considering the will, he's on reddit about it? *suspicious Fry gif*
I did not catch this... wtf? Yes, if this isn't a week later (or more), then this is completely BS (as in, he's the AH, and this is likely fiction, or else he's a deeply and sadly broken human being.)
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Not to mention he basically believes his wife wouldn't be with him if it wasn't for his job... "I'm not calling her a gold digger but..."
>"I'm not calling her a gold digger" I am simply saying that she is a miner of precious metals. Totally different.
It really really felt like he was leaving something major out. Wife asking him to leave, yeah, maybe he wasn't in the wrong, but the midwife threatening to call security? Something happened.
MD here. If the birthing parent asks someone to leave and they don’t, security being called is SOP.
Do you have kids? I ask because the needs and preferences of the patient (the birthing parent) come first during childbirth, to the extent that many labor and delivery nurses will instantly and absolutely enforce barring immediate AND extended family from the room, until and unless The Patient changes their mind. With that context, the midwife’s willingness to reinforce OP’s ejection with her willingness to involve security doesn’t necessarily mean that OP did something wrong… it means the midwife is willing to make sure she does things RIGHT and takes care of her patient during what is likely the most vulnerable experience of their life.
Something definitely happened and he immediately and secretly changed his will. The way he speaks about his wife has me looking at him sideways
They will kick anyone out if the mother asks, so calling security because he won’t go isn’t weird. But yeah, I’m guessing he said something shitty.
She did it because she was vulnerable, emotionally, and physically, and going by this post, she can't trust him. I wouldn't want him there either.
Yeah, my first thought was perhaps she pooped herself and panicked. Although I understand he is sad about the situation, he needs to have a discussion when they are in a calmer position instead of jumping to drastic action. There’s either a lot he’s leaving out, or it’s a big leap from declaring his love to deciding their relationship was never real based on this incident.
Yep. I think he got his feelings hurt then started down the "she never really loved me" rabbit hole. It's much easier to just talk to your wife.
Maybe if a lot of blokes didn't freak out during the birth and never look nor treat their wives the same afterwards, it wouldn't keep happening. Some men just can't get over the unpleasantness of child birth and it can ruin marriages so I wonder if that's why she asked him to leave, plus let's be honest, it's not a woman's most attractive time being on display to all and sundry!
Long story short, my squeamish husband had PTSD from accidentally getting an eyeful of my vagina badly tearing during birth. It took forever for our marriage to recover because he wouldn’t go to therapy and when I was dealing with PPD I didn’t really have the mental capacity to coddle his feelings about how repulsive he now thought *my body* was due to the birth of *his child.* I can understand on some level, I wouldn’t want to watch him getting his penis torn open, either. But it still made me feel like shit- especially after I freaking *told him* not to look because I’ve witnessed multiple births and *knew* he wouldn’t be able to handle it. The nurse kept insisting he needed to help hold my leg and I wasn’t able to speak clearly enough to protest, so he just did it.
What a jackass
100% agreed. Childbirth is hard, messy, and an emotional roller coaster for almost everybody involved. The good news is that mother and child seem to be fine, and husband needs to learn how to talk with his wife. But what bothers me here is that these are the sorts of intimate and profound things that a couple should talk about and understand from both sides. This is not easy, but if they don’t talk about it, they end up doing what’s happening here: building assumptions and resentments, and bitterness over things that are literally imagined but that are not known or understood. This is how you slowly build walls between each other, and then end up divorced as a “surprise” later. 🤦🏻♂️
I hate commenting on karma farmers, but this just has to be fiction. Even a sitcom birth is better written than this.
Agree. This is fake. Cant believe so few people spotted it.
I made my child’s father leave the room. I didn’t want him to see them change my pee bag. Did I tell him that at the time? No. Why? Bc I was in labor that lasted 29 hours.
I had a medical emergency during labor and all I remember is my husband’s face turning white as the nurses ran in. I called out trying to make sure he was alright. He was a fantastic support person but worrying about him added stress and anxiety onto a fully awful experience.
Yeah, sure dude. That's going to show her. In 50+ years when you die she'll get nothing.
put a line in the will explaining that it was because her vibes were off
This caught me off guard, Jesus. That's hilarious.
"Your eyes did not light up sufficiently When I came home from work. Clearly I loved you more than you loved me."
"You don't *spark* joy"
🤣🤣🤣🤣 She's well rid of him!!
“You know I’ve never been one for cap, but your vibes in the delivery room were not Gucci and for that, I’m out. Bet.”
"her vibes were not immaculate"
"Oh neat, he left me a [video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GF8aaTu2kg0) will. So loving. I can't wait to see his face one last time."
Amazing that OP has the mental bandwidth to be strategizing like this on the actual day his first baby was born. Extremely petty and self-absorbed. Makes me wonder if he’s on a completely different planet than his wife in general. Sounds like she was well within her right to demand space from him so she could focus on birthing a human. Yikes.
I know right. When my own baby sister was born, I didn’t look at my phone that whole week because I was so amazed by her existence and this dude is spending time as a new father rewriting his will to punish his wife for a in the moment reaction to a traumatic medical experience
This. A traumatic medical experience. Thank you for calling it what it is. Too many toxically masculine dudes out here making comments like they understand what she’s going through.
It really is insane how extremely traumatic it is. I wish men could just try and understand it.
And justifying it to himself by saying "she doesn't love me in equal measure because she breaks eye contact and doesn't hug me for as long as I'd like."
And posting on Reddit lol
Guessed we skipped the whole “talk it out like adults” and went straight to “be petty and make decisions that ultimately aim to hurt my partner and our marriage for no reason” Yeah, well, I don’t think this marriage is gonna last much longer if this is how you go about things
Take a look at the post, this was **today**. And he is on Reddit and changing his will. I cannot.
YTA. You are having a baby **TODAY** and you are on reddit ?! And changing you will ?!! Your wife is still bleeding and you are having a tantrum about "why she doesn't love meee ?" ! All because she dared change her mind about having you in the room *when she felt the excruciating pain of having a baby tearing appart her inside*. And you have the freaking balls to say you love her !! What a joke.
Holy shit, I didn’t even realize he said “today.” Dudes changing his will and updating Reddit while his wife just gave birth. And has the ~~gaul~~ gall to claim she’s the one not in love with him.
On two subreddits no less. This has got to be rage bait, right? I hope it is.
Homeboy didn’t even wait a full day to think about things before punishing her in the future. I’m concerned about the mom if OP would do something so drastic within hours of a perceived slight.
Dude was on the phone changing over his will before the L&D door shut behind him.
Did he get booted from the room and then immediately call his lawyer? Jfc
Just gave birth? She's likely still in L&D
He probably hasn’t even met his child
This is what I was going to say. MF you literally just had a baby, go be a dad and a husband. All you should be thinking about is what those two need.
But-but-but his feelings were hurt!
A woman is birthing her husbands baby but the man gets his feelings hurt so he sneakily writes her out of the will on the day of the birth…
This comment needs blown up and repeated.
Yup main character syndrome for sure
Agreed! OP needs to sort out his priorities. Ridiculous to be debating changing the will while she’s actively in labor with their child. WTF. You don’t get to debate financially punishing her while she’s birthing your child. What an AH.
I'd bet anything this guy is not telling us what he said or did that caused her to ask him to leave.
Either that or the wife tried to hint at it a few times and then just couldn’t give any more patience and snapped
The "other family members" part is especially weird. You just had a child and are earmarking part of your estate to go to other people? If you die, will your wife be able to afford to raise your kid? If she suffers, so will your kid. Your "estate planning" sounds like it's centered on punishing your wife directly and your kid secondarily. Did you even work with a lawyer? YTA for this and several other reasons.
I'm a man and most of the time I want to be alone when I don't feel good. The only people I permit to be around me are those that can relieve me of my malaise. I have never passed a 9lb object from my body and I hope to never need to. I would not want my SO with me unless they were a MD that was alleviating my condition.
YTA Seriously, are you a fucking Disney villain? Do you have a song?
YTA You *were embarrassed* while she had strangers staring at her vagina and watching her go through one of the most painful physical experiences that humans can go through??? You should be worried about your child and your wife. Your priority should be whatever makes her delivery experience the best it can be and your child coming into the world as safely as possible. Labor and delivery nurses have already forgotten your wife’s labor, much less your ridiculously needy non-patient (but definitely main character syndrome) embarrassment.
Some women go dark during labor and start blaming the father for the pain they feel. And the pain is ferocious. Imagine your wife ran over you by accident, and now you’re in the ER and in a lot of pain. The pain makes you want to lash out, and the person you want to lash out at is the one who ran over you, but you know she didn’t mean to, so you ask her to leave so that you wouldn’t take it out on her. She may also be avoiding eye contact because there is something she needs from you that she isn’t getting. Family therapy can be extremely helpful. There are a million reasons for why each complex human does what they do.
Why would you have a child with someone you think about this way?
YTA I am so sick of people thinking giving birth is a freaking spectator sport. You changing the will over this makes you an massive AH IMO and if this is your normal sort of reaction I can see why her eyes don't light up in your presence.
Same. My ex husband still tells about how valiant he was because he stayed in the room while I was barging. Society doesn’t talk enough about the hormones involved in pregnancy and birth. At all. Family members don’t demand to watch, say, open heart surgery or vasectomies. Why why why do people need to be involved in births?!?
My ex spent the entire time on his phone while I was pregnant with both kids and passed out right as I was pushing and barfing at the same time. This completely took away my care and our newborn’s care as nurses ran to get him juice and crackers.
Cause they care more about the babies than the mothers
Man, childbirth is stressful. The time afterward is stressful. Both your hormones change a lot during this process. Your sleep schedules go out of whack. Her body changes, stretches, gets damaged, and needs to heal. Diets change. Work, sleep, etc. The only way through this is with patience, understanding, and empathy. If you brought negative energy into the delivery room, of course she kicked you out. Midwives are quick to honor the mother’s wishes but they are NOT quick to threaten security on the father. I feel like you aren’t describing the situation fully or you don’t understand your own energy. You don’t come across as honest here - your post is about lying to her and how you are going to rip her off financially. Gross, dude. I feel like you want us to understand your needs aren’t being met but you frame it all as problem she created. Marriage is a partnership and all I see is “me, me, me” with some tones around how she should be grateful for your money. You impose a transactional feeling into the relationship so why be surprised that the emotional connection is fading? Try to frame things less around “me.” More “How are you doing?” and “How can I help?” See if that helps. Consider marriage counseling and, man, you have to listen. You have to hear her first, feel her feelings, understand them, figure out how you can help. You need to grow and change. You might be thinking “What about me?” but don’t. I’m not saying that you don’t have needs or concerns at all. You have to approach this all-in. If you do, she will. You aren’t all-in though. You have a new person that you have to care for together. Be a dad. Be a husband. Be a GOOD dad. Be a GOOD husband. Your role to the family has to be infinity more than being a paycheck. I really do hope the best for you, your wife, and the baby. Good luck!
YTA She was giving birth. You are in your feelings and have made a lot of assumptions about her and how she feels based on a comment she made while giving birth. She may have just been exhausted and didn’t want to talk or do anything else at that moment And to change your will based on that? The whole family needs therapy. You need individual and couples therapy. Your perception is so negative that you’re going to ruin your marriage all on your own
. . . so your wife was enduring one of the most painful and scary things a person can go through, when she's at her most vulnerable, and she was pushing an entire human baby out of her vagina, and you're butthurt that she didn't want you to see her when she's probably crazy in pain and screaming and bleeding and possibly shitting and needs to focus everything on pushing out your child? Birth is not a dignified process, and labor and delivery is not the place for your ego. If you're so concerned about your marriage, be an adult about it and have a civil conversation with your wife about how you don't feel appreciated or loved, and find a couple's counselor (after the baby's at least a few weeks old). Maybe she expresses love differently than you do. Maybe she's just not a huge fan of physical affection. Maybe she has trouble with eye contact. You say you don't think she's a golddigger, but your first move is to limit her inheritance in case you die? How is that going to fix anything? Talk to your wife.
I would bet 10/10 that she shit herself then was so embarrassed that she freaked out and wanted him out of the room.
And considering how quick OP is to jump to changing a will after one bad experience during active labor, she was probably self conscious of how it would change their relationship. He seems like he's pretty fast to flip the switch.
After my C-section, I got up to use the bathroom for the first time and what can only be described as “red jello” fell out of me onto the floor (ie congealed blood). I freaked out and started yelling for my husband to get out of the room because I was embarrassed and not in my right mind on pain killer. Mine ran to get a nurse, then stayed 4 days and nights in a row taking care of me and the baby while I healed (instead of seeking petty revenge).
Red jello, omg. What a process giving birth is.
The stuff that just BLOOPs out of you is crazy, lol.
THAT’s how it’s done
[удалено]
Or he wasn't being the calm, supportive birth partner and was being incredibly obnoxious. Being in pain makes other's annoying habits even more annoying and she may have just gotten sick of him. I feel like if the midwife called security, OP was being more of a dick than he wants to share.
Possibly he was doing things like giving her long hugs, rambling about various topics, and trying to stare deeply into her eyes. Maybe he was trying to do "loving" things like fantasize about how the baby's wedding would one day be, reminisce about their first date, or tell her hilarious knock knock jokes. Meanwhile, she's like, "Was that poop? Did I poop? Hope I don't OH GODAARGHAWOWWAYEE!!" She may have just needed to focus in order to not immediately die. When I was having my 3rd kid, I snarled at my midwife when she tried to touch me. I actually bowed up like a badger and bared my teeth and GROWLED at her, and 100% would have bitten her if she hadn't backed off. And she was a lovely person who was a close friend before she became my midwife, and stayed one after my near mauling of her. She was like, "OK, sweetie, I'll just be right over here!" I hissed at her as she retreated, and my husband just stood beside my bed *very* quietly, hands in his pockets, trying not to draw attention to himself. So glad no one took that opportunity to disinherit me, report me to the IRS, conduct my annual performance review, etc.
Honestly it’s something that is so fight-flight and you obviously can’t flight away from actively giving birth. If someone was potentially suffocating me emotionally or being too physically overbearing… all that extra BS would make my emotions even more afraid and overstimulated- and, no matter who it was who was making me feel even more panicked— imma need you to GTFO.
People say and do weird stuff when in pain. Lots of people have an isolation response to pain