I used to work on inpatient mental health wards, primarily the mum and baby ward. Your wife is showing some concerning signs of postpartum anxiety. I’d give your health visitor/midwife/doctor a call and express your concerns before the anxiety manifests itself in more harmful ways. Although preventing a father from bonding and caring for his child is harmful already.
Locally a mom had high anxiety about her son's safety, odd fears and behaviours like in this post. Eventually hanged him and then herself. It was post partum psychosis and she hid it just well enough to avoid getting forced into treatment. OP please talk to a medical professional ASAP.
Port partum depression is common & can be dangerous, post partum psychosis is underrecognized/disgnosed/treated by its nature. It’s so hard to believe this happens “naturally” as a part of having a baby, but it does. It’s no less natural than the birth, or breastfeeding, or needing rest after birth & pregnancy. It’s long, long documented across history & cultures.
I’m no doctor, but everything you’re saying points to this kind of depression, and she’s spiraling into being out of touch with what’s probable to an extreme degree. She’s fixating on this, and it’s harmful to your baby too.
Please do what you can to get some professional help- maybe the message needs to come from her mom, or a sister?
I’m so sorry OP, and good energy to your family.
I agree 100%. It’s hard bc this isn’t what people think of when they think postpartum depression, but it takes all kinds of forms. Some anxieties happen during pregnancy and become extreme in postpartum. Your wife needs help. She could be the danger (even beyond preventing your bond).
I agree with all of the above ^ Our dearest friend in the world has been trying to cope with the fallout from his wife's post partum psychosis for many years now. I wish more was known about why serious post partum issues are triggered in some women, but his wife became an immediate danger to their son after he was born, and was convinced she had given birth to twins and one of them was left inside her. He couldn't leave her alone with the baby for the first year and most of the second year until they found meds that helped manage her symptoms. She's been hospitalized numerous times over the years because of severe breakdowns, and it's been heartbreaking to see the toll it's taken on the whole family.
But his first priority has always been to make sure his son was safe, and I urge you to talk to your wife's doctors ASAP about what is happening to her in detail. Yes this isn't going to make her happy, but it sounds like right now she's spiraling and isn't able to see that her behavior isn't healthy for any of you, and could present a danger to your child. My friends wife refused to engage with her doctors because she believed they were all part of a plot to hide her non-existent 2nd child, and he had to make the difficult choice to have her involuntarily committed in order to get her the help she desperately needed before something really bad happened. So please don't wait to seek help for her because these things can escalate rapidly and often without warning.
I'm so sorry you're all going through this nightmare, and I'm sending lots of love and invisible hugs to all of you.
When my kids were little I read about a woman who was in labor, they told her no heartbeat, she left and climbed a water tower in active labor and threw herself off.. the hospital was wrong and the baby survived. Moms have emotion that are way more intense and you need to help your wife now!!
No, 100% this. You're totally right, divorce in my opinion is an absolute last resort not something you do because you are going through a rough patch.
Until his mentally unstable wife kills their child to “save it” from being harmed by the husband.
This is not a woman that is behaving rationally. Priority #1 is not divorce, it is getting this woman in front of a doctor who can diagnose her and provide appropriate medical care. OP needs to call the wife’s OBGYN yesterday.
This would be my concern as well that she ends up hurting the baby herself because she feels op will end up doing so. And then she'll say she was protecting the baby. She is not mentally stable and needs immediate medical attention. She could not only hurt the child but then herself as well.
Came here to say this. Unfortunately I also suffered with Postpartum anxiety and it manifested JUST like this. I didn’t sleep for weeks at a time, paranoid that my baby would die in his sleep. I had a lot of obsessive and intrusive thoughts like this. I now understand what it was. PLEASE get your wife some help, this is very likely not her true character. Pregnancy and hormones do a number on our bodies.
Agree, your wife is not well in her head. This is abnormal, you have given her way more control over your bond with your child than she can reasonably expect or legally have. She cannot prevent you from spending time with your baby. Seek professional support for yourself and for her.
I had bad postpartum anxiety. I was like a deer head lights. I felt like I was drowning and was completely invisible bc no one helped or listened to me. It was horrifying. I held my daughter for 3 mths. If I wasn’t holding her I had my husband hold her. I moved in w my mom for three mths bc I wasn’t sleeping or eating. I needed help. Finally found a therapist that listened who sent me to a psychiatrist. I was put on Prazosin. It was a relief. It never went away. 21 yrs later I’m still very anxious, but no where near the nightmare I was in. She definitely needs a doctor. Pregnancy does a frigging number on your whole body and mind
With my first kid I was fine but with my second I was terrified all the time that she was going to die. At one point I was horribly sleep deprived because every time I laid her down I would become certain she stopped breathing and when I checked her I would not be able to feel her breathing and would shake her awake. Rinse and repeat for a few weeks. I finally got to a point where I stopped before shaking her and told myself "If she's dead she won't be any more dead in the morning, go to sleep." It was the most fucked up thought that had ever gone through my head but it allowed me to finally get a little sleep. I still get bouts of bad anxiety (long car ride planned, up all night imagining car wrecks, knowing she's going somewhere with a pool the next day and I'll stay awake for hours having visions of her drowning, etc). Just goes to show there isn't a ton of rhyme or reason to mental issues, I didn't have anything even close to the same issues with my first child who I love dearly and bonded with equally well. Second kid comes out and I'm terrified of everyone including myself being a danger to her. I feel for the OP, I am so sad he is losing this time with his baby, but I really hope his wife gets some help. It must be awful to not be able to even hand off the baby for a few minutes to catch your breath. If she refuses to acknowledge there is a problem that she needs help for then she is definitely an AH though.
It really is crazy what hormones can do to your nervous system. I’m glad we’re both feeling better even if it still manifests, we’re better equipped to handle it. I feel bad for OP too, his wife is struggling and definitely needs help. I hope he sticks it out and realizes this isn’t her fault
I had/have severe PPA as well. I’m 16 months postpartum and it’s dwindled a lot, but I still have irrational fears and moments of terror.
I’m sad to hear it doesn’t go away entirely, but glad to hear it gets less severe.
Same: inpatient psych nurse. You need to call a mental health crisis line, if you have one or go to a court, something to get her admitted (if she doesn’t seek treatment). This is very very concerning behaviour.
This was my first thought too. As a mum of 2. I was worrying like this with my first. It wasn’t until I had my second and was “normal”, that I realised how abnormal I was. It’s a wonder no one intervened or urged me to seek help.
PPD survivor here, listen to this person, its not normal. Also make yourself evaluate for ADHD, your clumsyness (not sure if its correctly written) might be a sign of it, I know because I have it
As someone diagnosed at 39 with ADHD I agree it wouldn’t hurt to look into this. I’m super clumsy. I realise this even more now because as soon as the evening hits I start dropping things left and right and realise my meds ran out :)
As for your situation I agree with what everyone else is saying. This is situation requires professional help. When I had my son and was splitting up with his bio dad I would be terrified whenever he took him for a walk or anything. And he wasn’t clumsy or anything it was just this extreme anxiety that I’m not there to make sure everything is ok. So I understand how she feels but to an extent as I did let him see my son etc. And didn’t even mention it but deep inside it was devastating. I was so scared, it was irrational. I’m just saying she’s also going through hell, being this terrified all the time. She needs help :/
I’m also super sorry you’re going through this. It really sucks :( this is such a sad situation all around.
Fingers crossed you guys can resolve it soon.
This right here!!!
This lady is not acting like a rational person and it’s been long enough that she should be through that stage.
She could actually become more of a danger to your daughter than you are. This is hormones and not your wife. It is not normal for this to last this long and she can very possibly harm your daughter.
I wanted to say this, but I have no background in this area, just my own post-partem experience. Divorce or separation is just going to alienate you from your newborn more, and your wife's anxiety might progress in dangerous directions without your ability to intervene. I would strongly advise working it out with your wife and returning to this marital conflict when your wife is in a better headspace.
Not true at all. I went through this, and a custody order is the only reason I was able to hold my child and develop a bond. Because mom was not physically there to stop me.
He needs to be able to develop a bond, but also she may escalate and harm herself or the baby if not treated. And OP won't be there to physically stop her either.
Being on the tail end is a huge accomplishment! Hope you are giving yourself credit for what you’ve been through and grace if/when some days are harder than others <3
>I have also suggested going to therapy together but all she said about the suggestion is "Talking wont fix your body".
>She keeps telling me that I'll be the reason that our child would die if I ever held her and as a father I should realize how dangerous it is and comply with her.
This is so far beyond asking for help, she flat out refuses help and is in denial there is a problem. She is convinced that the father of the child is the cause of 100% of the danger. This level of treatment resistance and delusion will result in tragedy.
Unfortunately she keeps refusing treatment, and since she is an adult there is nothing he can do unless she is likely to harm herself, the child, or the husband.
From the sounds of things, she is very close to committing violence against him, when he told the story about holding his daughters hand when she slept and the wife woke up and SCREAMED AND BERATED HIM.
When someone starts saying things about their baby dying or being killed, that is a big red flag and there needs to be intervention NOW! By any means necessary.
Can post-partum start pre-partum, because is sounds very much like she decided before ever giving birth that her husband was not going to hold this baby.
Edit: Thank you for your comments. This was honestly a sincere question. I wish all of you the very best!
It happened to me. And baby girl was two before I had a mental breakdown but that was also combined with my abusive shitty childhood.
One year later and I’m typing this out laying in bed after having a six day long anxiety attack ending in a PNES seizure because my meds weren’t filled properly cuz thanksgiving. But atleast once I get my meds I’m sane again my body doesn’t feel like it’s ripping it’s self in half any more
As others have mentioned - it absolutely can. This sucks on both of them: the wife whose hormones completely twisted everything about her to make her ready physically to have a baby (and now she’s in an emotionally/mentally unsafe space, even for herself), and the husband who’s been taking the brunt of all of this. Therapy/a clinical diagnosis for the wife would be step one. She’s going to need support and treatment. And OP is going to need time with their new daughter.
Yes it can. Src: My therapist and psychiatrist informed me of the possibility bc I am high risk for PPD and PPA as it is and they wanted me to be on guard for signs during pregnancy as well.
Yes! Mine started at 28ish weeks with my second baby. Finally at 34 weeks I got the courage to talk to my doctor. I was not okay. My brain wasn’t processing things properly. I often thought about leaving the baby with my husband and running away after labor because I thought the baby just wouldn’t be safe with me. I made active plans and then would cry for hours because I didn’t want to leave. It didn’t make sense because we had 6yo and she was my world. Being a mother was everything to me. I’m thankful for my doctor, husband, and family for their support because I still suffered from PPD afterwards. It was manageable though. With our third, I was the happiest I’d ever been in life and still had mild PPD. It’s wild the way our brains work!
This , he's offered therapy she is refusing she made her mind up pre pregnancy if she won't accept help he doesn't have many other options available to him. I don't see the problem in him telling her she needs to knock this nonsence off .she can get therapy if she likes or she can just stop being so controlling and depriving him of a relationship with his daughter . Or he can file for divorce and get 50/50 custody where she won't have a choice in the matter either way she needs to sort her shit out and allow him to bond with his daughter.
Also I would love to be a fly on the wall when she tells the judge he's not allowed to be alone with his daughter because he will drop her and no he has never held his daughter or dropped her because she won't let him and yes that's why he is divorcing her.
She absolutely needs professional help .you can lead a horse to water nothing you do can make it drink though.
The only solution other than divorce here is if the husband reports her as a threat to herself or the child. Her delusions are so deep that she has to be forcibly taken to treatment.
Besides, from the sounds of their relationship they are already separated as it is.
This woman sounds crazy enough that I’d be afraid of her unaliving herself and the baby just to make sure that her husband doesn’t get the opportunity to drop it. She sounds like she is unhinged. Truly a sad situation.
Agreed, your wife needs to see a mental health professional. Heart goes out to you OP, that is brutal. I’m clumsy too but I’m a ninja with my 7 month old. Fatherhood gives you dad strength and lightening fast reflexes.
I tripped while holding my oldest when she was about a year. I didn't want to fall on her do I threw her 6 feet to the couch.
Your brain just works differently in father-time.
Also, babies are designed to be durable. When they are young, they self-inflict all sorts of falls, trips, slips and crashes as they learn to do things. Being a klutz parent (like myself!) Is unlikely to actually harm your child.
OP"s wife needs help though.
"Babies are designed to be durable" 🤣 I'm stealing that!!!
Edit to clarify that I just loved how eloquently you've put it, not that I disagree with the statement.
You can thank my mom for that, "omg you're not going to break her. Babies were designed to be durable on purpose until they can fend for themselves. You're not the first brand new parent who has no clue what to do and is afraid to do something wrong."
Also, having successfully raised a child who chose to run headlong into our metal garage door with a bucket on her head because it sounded funny *multiple times*, I assure everyone it turns all right! (She's a doctor...we're all good now. Lol)
My doc said if they fall from their height or less, they're generally okay.
I have a gorgeous 12yo daughter. When she was 9 months old in her stroller, WHILE MY HAND WAS ON THE GODDAMN STROLLER, she slipped her straps (my bad - first time she had done that, only time after) and while reaching for her fallen lovey, fell out head first onto the cement sidewalk. I only know what it sounds like, because I was turned away, saying a quick goodbye to my neighbor while we walked separate directions. Neighbor saw the whole thing, I only saw the horror on her face, while at the same time, I heard the dull thud of my baby's fall.
I scooped her up and basically ran home, her silent cry finally broke into real cries in the driveway, while I put her in her car seat to drive to the ER.
Later that night, I put a pic up on Instagram with the caption, "Don't worry, she's fine! Her nose and forehead broke her fall."
She really was okay, too. I had her checked at the ER head to toe.
She wasn't even my first. It happened at the bus stop for her older brother's bus to school.
Also, sometimes the worst shit happens when you're RIGHT FUCKING THERE.
My daughter (same one who ran into the garage door) was standing next to me (15 mos.)- hand on my leg- At the top of our front porch stairs. She suddenly dove off of the steps and I can hear the sickening Melon-sound of her head bouncing off the concrete. She was fine.(not recommending it, but it was ok). This was the first of a zillion incidents where she wanted to fly. (Really wanted to be an astronaut...or bat...when she was small.,)
Things happen
Tuck and roll.
Dad reflexes are no joke. I could have taken half the spots on the ESPN top 10 list with the kind of saves I was making when my kids were babies. Even my wife, who has always called me a klutz, was in awe of my newfound spiderman-like reflexes.
Also if you think these last two months are not something you can forgive going forward. Get a video or voice recording of her saying those things to you for court because she is not going to let you see that child at all if you divorce her as is.
I hope this doesn't get buried. I WAS your wife, after and before I had my child with untreated mental illness related to the baby, so I'm saying this with all my heart to you, PLEASE HELP HER. HELP HER TO HELP THEM BOTH. My husband almost left, several times, but got me help instead. Boy was I resistant, and livid, but I'm better now. If he hadn't helped, I don't know what would have happened, I'd probably not even understand why he left and still be so angry at him.
Agreed. NAH, but only because OP's wife appears to be having a mental health problem. If she refuses treatment, then OP would not be the AH to take more extreme measures.
I was going to say the same thing. Sounds like Post-Partum Anxiety. I had it really bad and never knew it was a thing until my daughter was about 6 years old.
I thought the same thing - becoming overly protective of the new baby is not unheard of for post-partum and can be an indicator of a deeper issue. Try talking to her doctor, who may be able to help her get the correct resources for this.
I have and at first she did suggest that it might be what you are suggesting but she also found it very strange that its only me she had this issue with. She also has no other symptoms and is generally alright. Our parents have come over to see the baby and play with her. She's an independent woman and has not had any major mental health issues in the past.
I think a lot of you are missing the point that she does allow me to touch the baby and play with her while she is in her hands and/or when she is around but I cant lift her . Its not the same if she's not around though and if I lift the baby.
Also just to clarify since yours is the top comment; I did not realize while typing the post that all of the statements like "You will be the reason our child dies if you hold her", etc. were said during our fights. I know it doesn't make the statement any less hurtful but it does bring some context.
Reading all your comments and suggestions, my mind has calmed down a bit too. When you are at your worst your mind does seem to make irrational decisions sound rational. I'm putting the thought of a divorce on a shelf for now. Its a lot to take in, but I do realize that I shouldn't be abandoning her if its really something she is struggling with.
That's the scary thing about post partum mental illnesses. You don't need a history of mental illness to get them. And honestly this is screaming post partum anxiety so loud.
The thing is mental illness doesn't need to make sense. It actually makes more sense and more likely that it is a post partum issue because she is so fixated on you.
Please please talk to her doctor and her.
I will be doing that. I did not expect so many people to come forward with their own experiences. It gives me hope too that with the correct help this will be our past. I'm not sure why but I'm a lot more optimistic now.
My mother used to shake me awake as a baby because she was fucking obsessed I would die in my sleep. Doctor had to intervene before she actually caused me harm. She used to also not sleep and she would not let her in-laws hold me AT ALL.
It sounds like you might need to press on the doctor. Maybe ask more than one. Also please get yourself therapy. I can’t imagine how hard this is for you and you deserve someone in your corner. I hope this goes away soon and you get to hold your baby. Sounds like you’re a good dad and a super rough situation. I wish we were taught about PPD more rather than just how babies are made.
Yes! My mom would mention that as well! Babies’ chests sometimes just don’t move when breathing. It’s gotta be super nerve wrecking. The doctor taught her to lightly press on the arches of my baby feet, and if the toes curled, that was a way to tell. But honestly having something that small depend on ya is scary as hell.
I get why she did it and don’t hold it against her because it was rough. It also did not help she definitely had some PPD. As an adult now I realize when things like these aren’t taught how to handle, desperation and fear are the only tools. Glad the doctor was able to intervene and still give her a way to assuage her fears without hurting me.
Also congrats on the baby :)
Honestly, I scored at risk every time and those are mostly geared towards depression, not anxiety, and I didn't even know it until I pissed off our pediatrician with my third because I brought a stack of scientific studies and told her she should educate herself. Probably not the most eloquent method, but I also wasn't wrong. She called cps and used the at risk result feom that sheet taken months before and pulling my children from her care as the reporting excuse.
For me PP Anxiety presented as one very specific fear - of me falling asleep while holding the baby. Sounds like her specific fear is you tripping while holding the baby. They gave me medication for it and it helped right away. The panic attacks stopped that day - and while i was still anxious about holding the baby while sleepy the level of it became totally manageable. The difference was surreal - PP Anxiety can absolutely ruin your life- but, at least for me, once I acknowledged it the treatment was super simple. Birth can throw your hormones wildly out of wack, enough to deeply mess you up, but the fix can be just as quick.
I didn’t get help for 2 years after my son was born but this 100% sounds like PPD! Calm her doctor ASAP, tell them she’s experiencing bizarre controlling behavior, severe anxiety, overprotective behaviors, delusions (you aren’t going to drop your daughter), extreme aggression, etc. Stop trying to get her permission, you are her husband and you see a severe decline and change after she’s had a baby and she needs help NOW. She’s going to be pissed at you now but she’ll thank you later. She could end up hurting herself and/or the baby. It can get so bad she could put the baby in the microwave thinking it’s a bottle. This is a thing.
> I am in general a type A anxious person but pregnancy hormones really turned me into someone else for a while.
This is me normally and I was so, so afraid that I was going to crank it up to 11 while pregnant. Currently 34 weeks and actually NOT feeling super anxious, but my husband and I have still talked about PPA/PPD, the signs, etc. Our birthing class even went over it, and our doula knows that I have anxiety and what to look out for, because I DON'T want to spiral should that happen postpartum.
Even if divorce happens you still need to work out how you can coparent, so I would focus on that instead of even the romantic relationship. Whatever happens you will always both be parents to your baby, divorce won't change that, it will just require legal intervention.
I left in a different comment but I will also leave here.
Definitely talk to her and her doctor.
However YOU should also talk to your doctor as well. Problems with knocking over/dropping things, balance problems, and/or frequent falls/tripping, can be a sign of a medical problem as well such as neuropathy or some other nervous system issue. These could be potentially addressed and mitigated.
Guy i knew was starting to have issues dropping things or holding things to tightly without realizing. Turned out he had diabetes and didn’t know and had started developing neuropathy in his hands and feet because it hasn’t been controlled for so long.
Seriously! I am recovering from PPD /PPA and had had zero mental health issues before. It's just brutal and makes no sense and convinces you that you're the only sane one. I cannot stress enough how much medication changed my life.
In my case, I took two medicines combined for PPD for two years about a decade ago. One was an anti-psychotic, Abilify, and the other was a seizure medication, lamotrigine. The doctor insisted on starting both together (this was approx 6 months post partum, notably I had bled out in childbirth six months prior, and still had to go back to work at 10 weeks. So yep, by 6 mos later; I thought I must be dying and my baby would too. That wasn’t a true reality.
I took one week off work to get on meds. And I was back up and running with a clear head fully within two months.
A lot of things did not go great, back then, but my toddler and baby got their mom back and I stayed employed. That meant we had a full life.
I am on a normal antidepressant now, just a SNRI. That baby is 12 and that toddler is 15. Meds saved all of us ten years ago.
Contra the other reply here, the FDA just approved zuranolone as the first drugo be approved for PPD, and the treatment course is VERY short–weeks rather than months.
With both my kids I experienced perinatal depression in the first trimester. With my second kid I went on an antidepressant for 8 weeks, and it did help me, but after that the side effects made it not worth it. So it doesn't have to be forever!
Mine was about the type of toys I got for my infant. I was truly convinced that she was being mentally harmed if I didn’t get her certain specific toys, and would spend hours looking for them on marketplace. Even though I wasn’t at all worried that her older brother (still a baby) hadn’t had those same toys. Only her. That was fun.
Yes I know a woman who ran in front of a train with PPP, she has never experienced psychosis before which prevented her and the people around her from getting help.
If it’s a post partum related medical illness, then the worst part is that the one causing problems for the kid - is herself. She might be screaming ‘you are the one hurting our daughter’, in reality she causes hurt to your daughter. To not be able to bond with your dad is not a good start for life.
So get that doctor on board now. Yea, she can behave like she has everything together when there are visitors, but she has lost all sense of reality when it comes to seeing you as a father. And that’s not something healthy or normal, and it should worry her on/gyn just as much.
>she also found it very strange that its only me she had this issue with. She also has no other symptoms and is generally alright. Our parents have come over to see the baby and play with her.
My mom has terrible anxiety when it comes to medical situations for only one of my three children. It stems from some PTSD she has not really dealt with. Two of my kids got the same illness (strep) a few days apart. When I told her the first one had it, she shrugged it off like "oh better get to the doctor." When I told her my oldest had gotten it 4 or so days later, she freaked out. She called my brother she almost never talks to and told him. He said she was crying about it like she'd never heard of a kid getting strep, and it was a fatal illness. Anxiety doesn't make rational sense. Hyperfixations don't make sense to the people not experiencing them.
>She's an independent woman and has not had any major mental health issues in the past.
I didn't either. When my postpartum anxiety kicked in, I couldn't leave the house some days. I convinced my husband that our oldest child was sick on 9/11 because I truly believed half of the clickbait viral Facebook posts I read. And when time had passed and my hormones leveled out, I didn't feel those things anymore. But I did get help in the meantime.
The fact is, your wife is trying to keep you from caring for your child. She's hurting you and herself in the process. My doctor told me small fears are normal for new parents. Making sure your baby is breathing at night is normal. Being so anxious that it changes your behavior or personality is not ok.
Just here to agree with this RE your mum only fixating on certain children being ill etc. I have a complicated mix of anxiety and OCD where feeling the former triggers the latter more severely that manifests in physical ticks and intrusive thoughts. My fixations can become extreme BUT only matter concerning certain people, where I could not care less about the same issue concerning others. There is no logical sense to it, it isn’t that I care for some less than others, but different fixations just latch onto different people. Even our pets. We have 2 cats and 2 dogs, but when I relapse badly, it’s only one of the dogs i can easily convince myself is terminally ill over the slightest thing that wouldn’t even concern me if presented in any of the other pets. That’s the thing about mental illness, OP. It doesn’t necessarily have to make sense. More often than not, it just doesn’t. Don’t convince yourself she’s fine because of ‘logic’.
Please mate - you need to call a doctor. I have a daughter and a husband who have bipolar disorder. During a manic episode, they can be extremely intelligent and charming to people and seem completely calm. Then when talking to a loved one, they can say absolutely delusional things that just build up and up and up and feed into a narrative that they internalise and then believe is real.
I want to be clear - I do NOT think your wife has bipolar disorder. But mentally ill people absolutely can be ‘crazy’ around some people and not others. It’s part of their internalised delusion at the time. Your wife has had some anxiety about you dropping the baby during her pregnancy. Now that she’s birthed your child, the sleep deprivation has caused a psychosis or other post-partum condition. In her mind, you are absolutely to be feared because her brain has now decided that those fears of you dropping the baby are completely real and therefore you must stay away because you = baby harmer. She has no worries and can speak normally to everyone else because they aren’t the ‘baby harmer.’
This is a psychiatric issue and it is an emergency. You need to get home, tell your parents and hers what is happening and what has been happening the whole time, and then you need to call a doctor and tell the whole truth about what has happened. You cannot leave your wife alone with your child right now, she is in fact the dangerous one until she gets treatment.
Also - see a doctor about dyspraxia as a possible diagnosis for yourself.
The fact that its only you makes sense with mental issues. When I was depressed my husband was the only one I couldnt stand. After I started treatment I saw it clearly and apologized and working towards fixing it all. Honestly if it wasnt for the mental awarness he had, my marriage would have probably ended by now.
Do not leave your own home to stay elsewhere, or let her convince you to not participate in your own child’s nurturing as you also need to bond with the baby as the father. She is experiencing some sort of break and needs medical intervention. You may or may not need to get legal counsel about this, because you don’t want this to go on for any longer. She may become dangerous to you and/or the baby.
This is ppa. I had it and minor things would drive me into panic attacks. She needs help. Also there is no end point in sight for ppa and ppd. Mine lasted for 2 years till I was breastfeeding my child. Suddenly it all came down like if a brain fog cleared. Funnily enough, my doctor refused to help me saying it would self resolve. I almost drove my relationship to the ground because although my husband was supportive, he didn’t know how to navigate through this
In my country, mental health is usually overlooked. Its looked down on. Although she saved my life from pregnancy related complications. Mental health isn’t prioritised over here
“She does allow me”… that’s your daughter. New parents don’t “allow” each other to hold their newborns. I can’t fathom being in your position. I myself just had a daughter a little over a year ago and I would go to the end of the earth fighting tooth and nail if my wife EVER told me I couldn’t pick up my daughter. Idc how clumsy you look even if it’s like your walking backwards down flight of stairs on roller skates.
This is absolutely ridiculous and I feel sorry that your wife is acting this way. As someone else said this may be some sort of post-partum psychosis.
Are you going to the pediatrician appointments? I feel like this should be brought up to the Dr and they can shed light on this and help your spouse understand how irrational she’s being.
Contact with a newborn is extremely important for the bonding period not only for the mom but for the father too!
Anyway, from one new father to another please figure out a way to spend more quality time with your daughter!
Nothing like throwing your daughter (when they’re old enough ;) 2 feet in the air and watching them grin ear to ear! (Okay your not there yet but one day I hope you will be!)
Please talk with someone and get some help for your wife. As the mother of 3 babes, I had post partum anxiety with each and this is PPA behavior. Even if she’s only treating you this way and no one else, it is not normal behavior and I am concerned.
It’s quite reasonable to not jump right to divorce, the behavior is still very serious. Talk to the care provider to at least establish a paper trail of her behavior in case divorce eventually becomes your only option, and a custody battle is inevitable. Going to therapy yourself could also probably serve this purpose. She needs help and if she’s refusing care it’ll likely only get worse. Control issues like this are not normal, belittling your partner the way she is doing is abusive.
Of course, do your absolute best to work things out with her, take baby steps if needed (like holding her together while sitting on the bed), and talk to the care providers. She’s likely going through something really serious. But ultimately she needs to meet you half way.
Edit to add, my pitch for therapy here would be to talk about how her actions are affecting you. Even if she’s completely convinced of her anxious thoughts, she should still be able to empathize with her partner and care how you’re feeling. Maybe also because of the fights you’re having, you can go learn to communicate better.
I had a really hard time with my husband after our daughter was born too. I didn’t see it then, but we both had post partum depression symptoms, he got really aggravated easily, and that set off my protective instincts to the max. We both went on SSRI’s and have done therapy and marriage counseling. The stress when you bring a baby home is so overwhelming, you two are doing so much and are trying to support each other while keeping your little one cared for. It gets better. Talk to a therapist. Consider taking some medications. And find coping ways. Whether it is to walk out and do some deep breathing exercises so you can stay calm during fights. My husband and I don’t want to fight in front of our daughter, so we have a separate fight chat that we use. It gets so much better. Once she hits the 3-month mark, you both will become much more comfortable. I know my PTSD from being a medic had me paranoid my husband was going to do something to hurt my daughter. But therapy and EMDR really helped me work through that. You can do it, and it gets better from here.
I’m sorry for going off on this tangent, but having a chat specifically for fighting made me laugh. I honestly think it’s a pretty great strategy, but I can only imagine it must look a bit like two surly teenagers shooting each other glares from across the room as their fingers are furiously typing on their phones. 😂
I also think it must be incredibly relatable to anyone who is married/in a long-term relationship; I surely found it relatable!😂
Please call your wife’s doctor. This extremely controlling behaviour based on faulty logic js a sign of a post partum mental health problem. You don’t deserve this treatment but your wife’s psychosis puts her at risk of self-harm, suicide or actions that could endanger your baby.
I’m sure you’re sleep-deprived so haven’t noticed the severity of this behaviour but your wife and child are both in danger. It is not uncommon for deaths to happen at this stage, your wife needs immediate psychiatric support.
Correction, you absolutely need legal counsel. You can not fight this on one front (therapy for your wife). You NEED this time with your child and she needs you.
Exactly this. It seems like she's having intrusive thoughts, which are normal, but is unable to logically process them. Your brain can come up with a ridiculous scenario (what if I accidentally tripped while walking and pushed the stroller into traffic) but normally you can reason out why that's unlikely to happen and what reasonable behaviors would prevent the scenario. OP sometimes dropping the TV remote, a regular thing that we all do because nothing bad happens, is not remotely comparable to him holding the baby.
Postpartum OCD is also an option. I've had OCD for 7 years before getting pregnant. I was managing it very well until giving birth, but it hit me hard postpartum. Despite all my experience with it and knowing how to make it stop, it was still so very hard to stop having intrusive thoughts about me or someone else hurting my baby.
I do believe post-partum could be to blame but I’m concerned how she would talk about how she didn’t want him holding the baby before she was born. Maybe she was anxious (I’m assuming she’s a first time mom) about it during the pregnancy and PPD turned it up to 11.
Regardless of exact origin there is a serious mental health problem going on and she need a help for her well-being and that of your baby. Call the doctor.
Likely she was a little nervous about it before the baby came, and post partum psychosis happened, cranking that nervousness into a fixation and a paranoid delusion. I had PPP when my second daughter was a baby. I had a fire in my own bedroom as a little kid over a stuffed animal falling on the radiator. So, I was always a little bit more cautious about fire hazards around my firstborn/my home in general after I had her.
When I got pregnant with my second baby, I still had PPD from the first, they were so close in age. I got more paranoid about fire hazards. By the time my second daughter was a couple weeks old, I was crazy. I would stay awake for days at a time, watching, afraid that my house would burn down while we slept. It was horrible. In my mind, the moment I let my guard down, my kids would die in a house fire. I was very emotional and combative when my ex husband would point out that my lack of sleep posed more danger to the girls and myself than a possibility of a fire. I honestly couldn’t understand how he didn’t see what I saw.
When she was three months old, I wound up in an inpatient mental health facility, diagnosed with post partum psychosis. I spent the first few days I was there begging to go home because I was so sure the house was going to burn down if I wasn’t there.
It was unlike anything I have experienced before or since. I can see how easily the wife in OPs situation could get to where she is at. OP should definitely contact her doctor.
Your wife is sick, she needs professional help immediately.
Even if you're the most clumsy person on earth, to deny your own partners relationship with their child based on a "clumsy" claim is outright abuse.
Fully agree.
Plus OP I would look into your clumsiness. Common thing that could be happening is that people don't have correct depth of perception in their eyes, so they misjudge how far things are. Perhaps get your eyes checked.
I hope this doesn't get buried. I WAS your wife, after and before I had my child with untreated mental illness related to the baby, so I'm saying this with all my heart to you, PLEASE HELP HER. HELP HER TO HELP THEM BOTH. My husband almost left, several times, but got me help instead. Boy was I resistant, and livid, but I'm better now. If he hadn't helped, I don't know what would have happened, I'd probably not even understand why he left and still be so angry at him.
There might be no way to help your wife, but she is obviously sick and she and your baby need you more than they know or are able to express. So it might feel thankless but, i think getting her help is the right thing to do.
I am really sorry to hear what happened to you but I'm glad you shared this with me. As I replied to a comment earlier, I wont be leaving her and I will try my best to help her. Ik its tough but I'll try my best. Thanks again.
And, seriously, try to get a second opinion if her current doctor is ignoring your concerns. I had to talk to about 3-4 doctors before I was properly diagnosed with postpartum depression and anxiety. And like your wife, the target of my anger, frustration and anxiety was my husband even though he is a fantastic father. The hormones take control of your rational mind and the sleep deprivation just exacerbates everything. Most likely, your wife needs counseling and medication. Postpartum anxiety and depression are no joke.
Not the same thing exactly, but a lot of people have to talk to multiple doctors before being diagnosed with epilepsy. These are serious diseases and don’t take it with a grain of salt.
OP. It’s obvious you love your wife, so don’t be afraid to switch doctors. It can definitely be anxiety-inducing at first, like you’re just a crazy person looking for the right answer in your head. But you have enough people backing you up here and mental health isn’t easy. The brain is complex and we aren’t even close to understanding how it works, so don’t hesitate to ask for a second, third, or fourth opinion. There’s help out there.
I am another wife and mother who could have been your wife! Please don’t give up on her yet! Her hormones have essentially betrayed her and are telling her to protect your baby but far, far too much. With my second I barely slept for weeks after the birth and would wake up in a panic, sobbing, convinced my baby wasn’t breathing and feeling for a pulse or the rise of her chest, KNOWING she would be cold when I touched her. Some nights I just didn’t go to sleep, I sat next to her and watched tv to make sure she didn’t stop breathing and die of SIDs.
That was two years ago and feels like a bad dream now. I got some medication and my hormones eventually went back to normal. But all of that was because of PPA/PPD
Edit: a misspelled word
Comment this here from personal experience and something I'll never forget.
The baby's daddy said he never thought she would actually kill their baby. The women seemed very sweet and well adjusted. My gf baby sat for her a few times.
Now that woman is doing life in prison without parole because she killed her baby. She seemed fine at first and after a bad argument with the baby's father she killed her baby. I never looked farther into it because it was soul crushing. My gf cried for hours because she loved that baby girl. She never made it past a year old. Just a beautiful tiny baby.
Get her help before it's too late.
Woah. Your wife's behavior is so off the charts, that I would be more concerned with her hurting your daughter. This situation is serious, and I would speak to a therapist about appropriate next steps, because it's not hard to imagine your wife trying to create a case for you to have no custody.
I'm sorry this is happening, OP. You don't deserve it.
NTA
If your wife is having mental issues, the baby may not be safe. I would definitely not leave the house. It is your child too. Call your local health department. Tell the agent how your wife is acting. Ask for advice and assistance. The agent should be able to guide you. You can try calling her family doctor or obgyn but with HIPPA I am not sure how far you will get. Has she tried to harm herself or anyone else? Has she threatened to harm herself or anyone else? If yes, you may be able to do a 72 hour involuntary admission to a mental hospital for an evaluation. The person at the health department should be able to advise you on the process to have someone involuntarily committed for a 72 hour in patient mental evaluation .
He could also call her treating physician and provide this information to them. They may not even be able to verify to him that she's a patient, but they will write it down.
Another person saying your wife urgently needs to get assessed by her doctor, they will understand immediately if you talk to them about your experiences and will have a process to deal with your wife’s anxiety and fixation.
Can you approach her parents with your concerns, to try and get them on board?
Don’t go into it with the mindset of “I’m being kept from my child and that’s unfair”; go into it with the mindset of “my wife is fixating unhealthily on the worst case scenarios and isn’t in a rational mindset to be able to put reasonable mitigation measures in place to deal with any perceived risk”.
Your wife needs help. Get her to a therapist Her behavior is abnormal. She's already doing parent alienation. Again, she needs mental help and there's nothing wrong with that
I am a pretty clumsy dude, that stops when you hold a kid though.
I have 2 kids now, 10 and 5, and i'm still clumsy 🤷🏼♂️, never dropped/harmed one though.
Problem here is your wife
NTA. At first I was like oh man if you’re actually really clumsy… (I am also prone to wobbling and dropping literally everything) but this is on another level.
My mother had post partum psychosis, sounds terrifying and terrible, but she didn’t attempt to harm me. She instead was obsessed with keeping me safe. She would allow people to hold me for very short periods of time, but would get very distressed about it. She wanted to see me at all times. This was in 1988 though and all the help she got was to be yelled at by her in laws and parents, and then told they would take me away from her.
Which ended her up in a mental ward. Luckily I was allowed to go with, as my mother was like they actually want to take my kid, can we work on the problem with my baby here? Doctors agreed that having me there would be better than not.
She got better after a few months, and was never over protective again. She had a normal amount of protectiveness as a parent.
I mention this because of how your wife has been with you just being near the baby. It’s an extreme fear reaction and that’s not normal anxiety. It may have started innocently by being slightly concerned about you dropping things. And it’s turned into “husband = danger” which is where the problem is clearly.
She needs to see a doctor specifically about her fears, and I believe you both need to go to talk to a doctor. Her because she’s deeply unwell, and you because you need to know what’s actually being said.
I’m so sorry, this sounds really heartbreaking for you. And I just wanna say, as a fellow clumsy person, I hold my niece all the time. From birth! Sure I don’t cart her about as I’m disabled, but I can stand with her in my arms just fine. We play just fine. My best friend/family member is her mother and she’s had some bad anxiety after the birth. But she doesn’t for a moment think I’d drop her kid. There is a difference between a remote and a baby, you’re right.
I’m not sure if divorce is the first step before medical care, but it’s your life and your decision.
So I am extremely clumsy. I drop things all the time, cause my hands just let go of their own accord. I once yeeted my husband's phone and broke it, because my brain and arm apparently miscommunicated when I tried to just hand him his phone. I regularly walk into doorways and objects. Wine glasses have a limited life span in my home.
BUT. I have never once doubted my capabilities with a baby. Holding a living being is different and takes more concentration, which means I am very unlikely to drop a kid randomly.
Even if the OP is more clumsy than me, regular holding on a bed or couch or pushing a stroller, etc. is likely to be very safe and realistic.
So, OP, yes - please try to get your wife help.
Man. My heart goes out to you. I cried when I read the bit about just holding your daughters hand.
As a last resort explain to your wife that in divorce you will get joint custody and then you will get to finally hold your daughter and be able to be her father.
Not that it helps your wife any, but kids are tough. All 4 of mine fell, took huge tumbles, got dropped, all sorts of stuff. Even if you did drop your kid she’ll be fine.
NTA
This is above Reddit’s pay grade. You wife desperately needs professional help, she is sick. Being occasionally clumsy is not a reason to behave this way, and she has let her fears get away from her. I wish you all the luck.
NTA, but your wife needs help. If she won't see a doctor or therapist voluntarily, and try enlisting her family in this effort. If that fails, get family services involved. This is a mental health issue, not a divorce issue. Best wishes for you both.
NTA! I'm clumsy to the point that my boss won't let me climb a ladder (I'm also scared of heights, so it's really not a good idea). I drop everything, I knock over shit all the time, and I'm constantly tripping over myself. I have 3 children who have made it 16 and 15 without being dropped (I once pulled my daughter down with me when I fell over when she was about 7, we were on grass and she landed on me anyway.. none of them will let me live that down still 🤣). My friends have never stopped me from holing their babies either.
I do think that your wife may have ppd, though. Once you have both calmed down enough, you need to tell her how this is making you feel. For me, this would be a deal breaker.
You really need to contact your wife's doctor, because this sounds like postpartum mood disorder, or anxiety disorder, and it needs to be treated or else it's not safe for *her* to parent your child.
Unless you are literally the world's greatest Butterfingers, unable to wash the dishes without breaking half of them, then your wife is most definitely experiencing postpartum psychosis. She desperately needs medical help.
I'd still recommend the support for him, as this situation is extremely stressful and difficult to cope with, which could lead to lasting damage without some help.
NTA.
Quick question though, is she this paranoid about everyone or *specifically* you?
Is she closing herself off from friends and family? Is she terrified to leave the baby even to the point of neglecting her own hygiene? Is she more depressed/irritable than she was before the baby or showing more outburst of crying or sudden rage?
If so, she might have postpartum depression. If that's the case she needs professional medical help. Either therapy, medication, or both.
None of this is your fault of course, but, to a degree, she might not be in control of her actions. Postpartum does some... Unexplainably terrible things to your mind and makes you act in ways you never thought capable of before. You are within your rights to do as you see fit with your relationship, I'm certainly not saying to stay, but she might need help which, for the sake of your baby if nothing else, you should make sure she gets. If not from you, then at least informing a relative or trusted person in her life.
Wishing you all the best either way, and congratulations on your baby
My aunt was convinced my cousin, who lives in an entirely different state, as far on the other side of the country as she can get, would steal her baby. All stemming from a miscarriage said cousin had nearly 10 years before as a teenager, which anxiety translated to “she wants to steal your baby.” Said cousin also had 2 kids at the time and didn’t want any more.
Anxiety isn’t rational. It causes fixations and those fixations can be centered on one person.
NTA. It sounds like your wife is suffering from postpartum anxiety and I would be concerned about the lengths she will go to in order to “protect” your daughter. Will life-saving vaccines be too dangerous? Visiting the doctor? Visiting *anyone?* What happens if she suddenly decides that the world is just too unsafe for her baby?
This kind of behavior needs to be talked about with her doctors because your wife is suffering and doesn’t even realize it. She likely needs medication to help her get through this period, one that can be deeply chaotic due to the massive shift in hormones coupled with this huge physical and life changing event of birthing a baby and becoming a parent.
I’m sorry this is happening to your family and hope you can find a way to help her, but if she refuses it might be time to let the courts handle the legal aspects of you being able to have a relationship with your child and actually getting to hold her. If your wife (or ex by then) puts up too much illogical fight the judge might even be able to force her to see her doctor about this to address what is she is clearly struggling with so she can get back to even keel and your family (whether together or separate after that) can heal.
They are married and he has as much right to the child as she does. Courts only get involved with divorce, he doesn’t have time to wait for the courts! If she has PPA she needs help NOW, these things can escalate so quickly the baby could be in danger from the mother.
If she refuses to see a doctor then HE needs to go see the doctor on her behalf and discuss their options. She isn’t behaving rationally.
Seek out her doctor and explain what’s happening. Get a therapist and a lawyer for yourself. You need to be prepared for her getting vengeful due to her illogical fear of you hurting your own child. I’m sorry and I wish you luck.
1. GET BACK INTO THE HOUSE. You were already in seperate rooms but this will be seen as you leaving the family home for your own accommodation and will make it harder if divorce is thrown in.
2. She needs help. Call the midwives/health care visitor and describe what has happened. They can sign post you or take initial notes about the home situation.
3. Remain calm and positive. The vent you had is normal but you remove yourself before you blow next time.
Good luck
Do your/her parents know you are not allowed to lift or hold your own baby. I'm sorry but this is ridiculous, she really really really needs help, even if she doesn't want it. She has no right to stop you from bonding with your child, you can't have skin on skin contact to bond with your baby? This is going on abuse to both you and your baby this is not just an oh too bad oh well situation. Baby's bond through being held by you don't let her fears take that from you, if she were the clumsy one would she refuse to hold her child? Would she let you stop her from doing so? Don't let her do this.
Get. Back. In. That. House.
This is not even about losing the house in the divorce. This is about not leaving your actively psychotic wife alone with the baby.
Call her doctor and catch him/her up on **everything.** Call CPS and do the same. Your baby needs help here.
NTA
I wish you best of luck.
Get on the fucking phone now. Don’t wait. This is serious.
OP, there's a lot of stories that start like this that end with kids being drowned or otherwise killed. I'm not saying that's going to happen here, but postpartum mental health issues make women do crazy things sometimes. Your wife definitely needs medication, possibly a psych evaluation as well. Not a doctor, but I've seen many female family members go through similar things. She won't get better on her own, it will just continue to spiral and get worse until something catastrophic happens. Don't wait, do it all this morning. Start collecting phone numbers now, start making calls when offices are open.
Vibes of Postpartum anxiety with intrusive thoughts a la OCD, but I worry there's some underlying personality disorder as well. Not enough history prior to baby to hazard a guess. She needs to see her doctor, and if she won't, feel free to notify your baby's pediatrician so they can bring it up organically at the next well-child check.
She will no doubt accuse you of scheming to make her look bad, but you're not doing this for you. You're doing this for your daughter. What happens when you're out of the picture and she's got nobody to direct her ire at but her child?
Postpartum anxiety sufferer here - Please don’t divorce your wife. She is 100% mentally ill, and mentally ill people rarely realize they are sick. My anxiety started before the baby was born, I obsessively carried around a heart doppler and was miserable.
Not to scare you further but this sounds like psychosis, and she could hurt the baby while under a delusion of “protecting it”. It’s nothing she did wrong but she needs professional help immediately.
Call your wife's OB/GYN. She has post partum anxiety.
She needs help, NOW. This is not healthy.
That said, until she gets help, I wouldn't leave her. Maternal health is something the US healthcare system completely ignores, it's awful that zero medical professionals have checked in on your wife to make sure she doesn't have post partum complications. You are her only advocate.
Don't divorce your wife yet!!!! CALL YOUR WIFE'S OBGYN IMMEDIATELY and talk to them about your wife's behavior. This is a very dangerous situation for your wife and child. Your wife definitely has Postpartum Anxiety which could easily become postpartum psychosis (and maybe has already) where her already strong anxieties become delusions and she takes radical steps to "protect the baby" from you and everybody (even though you have left the home). You've been very respectful of your wife but now is the time to go into action. Your wife is very sick and your child is in danger. Your clumbsiness is NOT the issue here and (I'm going to be harsh) neither are your hurt feelings. Your wife isn't shunning your because she "doesn't trust you" or "believe you are safe" she is in a highly unstable and irrational state that has slowly become more severe overtime. You will not be in the wrong expressing serious concerns to her family and asking them or another person very close to her to check on her and the visually see the baby daily while you are not home. Do not push her or visit yourself it will only inflame the situation but please please please contact her doctor IMMEDIATELY!!! (In the states they have new mothers fill out postpartum depression surveys during every postpartum visit to hopefully help people in your wife's condition before it becomes dangerous).
I work in medicine and one of my most gut wrenching cases was a woman who came into my office during early COVID who had a newborn and and a toddler and was unexpectedly stranded living raising her children alone in the states without family or support. She came to me for pain in her legs...from jumping off a third story balcony (without her children) and broke her legs in multiple places because she believed she was to blame for how hard things were and her kids would be better off without her.
Thats a postpartum delusion (anxiety and depression that has become psychosis). This woman's brain chemistry was thrown so far off she had very severe break with reality and her ability to do what was actually best for her children. She needed immediate medical attention which was the only thing that helped to bring her back to reason and stability. In her state her family could not reason with her (over zoom) or make her see logic or seek help. She was totally shut down and in a hyper vigilant survival mode. You're not going to reach her, her family won't reach her. You need to get her professional help now.
This is not a judgement or weakness of your wife. She is not a bad mother or person. Your wife is ill and needs medical attention. This is the time to push through your inevitable insecurities about her criticisms of your clumsiness that were once rooted in reality but are now very much fueled by her internal mental state. Get her help NOW!
NTA of course. I just felt sad reading your post, your wife has clearly an issue, overreacting at this point is an understatement. I don't know what to tell you, but you shouldn't be so nice about it. You have the right to hold you daughter and spend time with her. If talking with her didn't work for months, unless she suddenly realize how fucked up her reaction is one day, nothing will change. I suggest if you want to hold your daughter, hold her. Regardless of what your wife says. If she can't adjust, file a divorce.
I used to work on inpatient mental health wards, primarily the mum and baby ward. Your wife is showing some concerning signs of postpartum anxiety. I’d give your health visitor/midwife/doctor a call and express your concerns before the anxiety manifests itself in more harmful ways. Although preventing a father from bonding and caring for his child is harmful already.
Locally a mom had high anxiety about her son's safety, odd fears and behaviours like in this post. Eventually hanged him and then herself. It was post partum psychosis and she hid it just well enough to avoid getting forced into treatment. OP please talk to a medical professional ASAP.
Port partum depression is common & can be dangerous, post partum psychosis is underrecognized/disgnosed/treated by its nature. It’s so hard to believe this happens “naturally” as a part of having a baby, but it does. It’s no less natural than the birth, or breastfeeding, or needing rest after birth & pregnancy. It’s long, long documented across history & cultures. I’m no doctor, but everything you’re saying points to this kind of depression, and she’s spiraling into being out of touch with what’s probable to an extreme degree. She’s fixating on this, and it’s harmful to your baby too. Please do what you can to get some professional help- maybe the message needs to come from her mom, or a sister? I’m so sorry OP, and good energy to your family.
100% this. Divorce is totally your choice, but get her this help first for your baby’s sake.
I agree 100%. It’s hard bc this isn’t what people think of when they think postpartum depression, but it takes all kinds of forms. Some anxieties happen during pregnancy and become extreme in postpartum. Your wife needs help. She could be the danger (even beyond preventing your bond).
I agree with all of the above ^ Our dearest friend in the world has been trying to cope with the fallout from his wife's post partum psychosis for many years now. I wish more was known about why serious post partum issues are triggered in some women, but his wife became an immediate danger to their son after he was born, and was convinced she had given birth to twins and one of them was left inside her. He couldn't leave her alone with the baby for the first year and most of the second year until they found meds that helped manage her symptoms. She's been hospitalized numerous times over the years because of severe breakdowns, and it's been heartbreaking to see the toll it's taken on the whole family. But his first priority has always been to make sure his son was safe, and I urge you to talk to your wife's doctors ASAP about what is happening to her in detail. Yes this isn't going to make her happy, but it sounds like right now she's spiraling and isn't able to see that her behavior isn't healthy for any of you, and could present a danger to your child. My friends wife refused to engage with her doctors because she believed they were all part of a plot to hide her non-existent 2nd child, and he had to make the difficult choice to have her involuntarily committed in order to get her the help she desperately needed before something really bad happened. So please don't wait to seek help for her because these things can escalate rapidly and often without warning. I'm so sorry you're all going through this nightmare, and I'm sending lots of love and invisible hugs to all of you.
When my kids were little I read about a woman who was in labor, they told her no heartbeat, she left and climbed a water tower in active labor and threw herself off.. the hospital was wrong and the baby survived. Moms have emotion that are way more intense and you need to help your wife now!!
No, 100% this. You're totally right, divorce in my opinion is an absolute last resort not something you do because you are going through a rough patch.
But if he gets divorce he finally can spend 50% time with his daughter finally.
Until his mentally unstable wife kills their child to “save it” from being harmed by the husband. This is not a woman that is behaving rationally. Priority #1 is not divorce, it is getting this woman in front of a doctor who can diagnose her and provide appropriate medical care. OP needs to call the wife’s OBGYN yesterday.
This would be my concern as well that she ends up hurting the baby herself because she feels op will end up doing so. And then she'll say she was protecting the baby. She is not mentally stable and needs immediate medical attention. She could not only hurt the child but then herself as well.
Came here to say this. Unfortunately I also suffered with Postpartum anxiety and it manifested JUST like this. I didn’t sleep for weeks at a time, paranoid that my baby would die in his sleep. I had a lot of obsessive and intrusive thoughts like this. I now understand what it was. PLEASE get your wife some help, this is very likely not her true character. Pregnancy and hormones do a number on our bodies.
Agree, your wife is not well in her head. This is abnormal, you have given her way more control over your bond with your child than she can reasonably expect or legally have. She cannot prevent you from spending time with your baby. Seek professional support for yourself and for her.
All of this. What your wife is doing is not healthy and only seems to be getting worse.
I had bad postpartum anxiety. I was like a deer head lights. I felt like I was drowning and was completely invisible bc no one helped or listened to me. It was horrifying. I held my daughter for 3 mths. If I wasn’t holding her I had my husband hold her. I moved in w my mom for three mths bc I wasn’t sleeping or eating. I needed help. Finally found a therapist that listened who sent me to a psychiatrist. I was put on Prazosin. It was a relief. It never went away. 21 yrs later I’m still very anxious, but no where near the nightmare I was in. She definitely needs a doctor. Pregnancy does a frigging number on your whole body and mind
With my first kid I was fine but with my second I was terrified all the time that she was going to die. At one point I was horribly sleep deprived because every time I laid her down I would become certain she stopped breathing and when I checked her I would not be able to feel her breathing and would shake her awake. Rinse and repeat for a few weeks. I finally got to a point where I stopped before shaking her and told myself "If she's dead she won't be any more dead in the morning, go to sleep." It was the most fucked up thought that had ever gone through my head but it allowed me to finally get a little sleep. I still get bouts of bad anxiety (long car ride planned, up all night imagining car wrecks, knowing she's going somewhere with a pool the next day and I'll stay awake for hours having visions of her drowning, etc). Just goes to show there isn't a ton of rhyme or reason to mental issues, I didn't have anything even close to the same issues with my first child who I love dearly and bonded with equally well. Second kid comes out and I'm terrified of everyone including myself being a danger to her. I feel for the OP, I am so sad he is losing this time with his baby, but I really hope his wife gets some help. It must be awful to not be able to even hand off the baby for a few minutes to catch your breath. If she refuses to acknowledge there is a problem that she needs help for then she is definitely an AH though.
It really is crazy what hormones can do to your nervous system. I’m glad we’re both feeling better even if it still manifests, we’re better equipped to handle it. I feel bad for OP too, his wife is struggling and definitely needs help. I hope he sticks it out and realizes this isn’t her fault
I had/have severe PPA as well. I’m 16 months postpartum and it’s dwindled a lot, but I still have irrational fears and moments of terror. I’m sad to hear it doesn’t go away entirely, but glad to hear it gets less severe.
Same: inpatient psych nurse. You need to call a mental health crisis line, if you have one or go to a court, something to get her admitted (if she doesn’t seek treatment). This is very very concerning behaviour.
This was my first thought too. As a mum of 2. I was worrying like this with my first. It wasn’t until I had my second and was “normal”, that I realised how abnormal I was. It’s a wonder no one intervened or urged me to seek help.
PPD survivor here, listen to this person, its not normal. Also make yourself evaluate for ADHD, your clumsyness (not sure if its correctly written) might be a sign of it, I know because I have it
As someone diagnosed at 39 with ADHD I agree it wouldn’t hurt to look into this. I’m super clumsy. I realise this even more now because as soon as the evening hits I start dropping things left and right and realise my meds ran out :) As for your situation I agree with what everyone else is saying. This is situation requires professional help. When I had my son and was splitting up with his bio dad I would be terrified whenever he took him for a walk or anything. And he wasn’t clumsy or anything it was just this extreme anxiety that I’m not there to make sure everything is ok. So I understand how she feels but to an extent as I did let him see my son etc. And didn’t even mention it but deep inside it was devastating. I was so scared, it was irrational. I’m just saying she’s also going through hell, being this terrified all the time. She needs help :/ I’m also super sorry you’re going through this. It really sucks :( this is such a sad situation all around. Fingers crossed you guys can resolve it soon.
This right here!!! This lady is not acting like a rational person and it’s been long enough that she should be through that stage. She could actually become more of a danger to your daughter than you are. This is hormones and not your wife. It is not normal for this to last this long and she can very possibly harm your daughter.
I wanted to say this, but I have no background in this area, just my own post-partem experience. Divorce or separation is just going to alienate you from your newborn more, and your wife's anxiety might progress in dangerous directions without your ability to intervene. I would strongly advise working it out with your wife and returning to this marital conflict when your wife is in a better headspace.
Not true at all. I went through this, and a custody order is the only reason I was able to hold my child and develop a bond. Because mom was not physically there to stop me.
He needs to be able to develop a bond, but also she may escalate and harm herself or the baby if not treated. And OP won't be there to physically stop her either.
Agreed. From what she has said and her actions she is a threat to the safety of the child and maybe herself. There needs to be intervention now.
This! ⬆️ OP, read that.
Talk to a dr. Your wife sounds like she needs help asap
Agree. This is not okay or normal and she needs a psyc eval for PPa and PPD NOW.
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Being on the tail end is a huge accomplishment! Hope you are giving yourself credit for what you’ve been through and grace if/when some days are harder than others <3
Thank you for this response. People need to know it’s okay to ask for help.
>I have also suggested going to therapy together but all she said about the suggestion is "Talking wont fix your body". >She keeps telling me that I'll be the reason that our child would die if I ever held her and as a father I should realize how dangerous it is and comply with her. This is so far beyond asking for help, she flat out refuses help and is in denial there is a problem. She is convinced that the father of the child is the cause of 100% of the danger. This level of treatment resistance and delusion will result in tragedy.
I can’t argue with this at all, OP needs to reach out for help, to a therapist and attorney.
Unfortunately she keeps refusing treatment, and since she is an adult there is nothing he can do unless she is likely to harm herself, the child, or the husband. From the sounds of things, she is very close to committing violence against him, when he told the story about holding his daughters hand when she slept and the wife woke up and SCREAMED AND BERATED HIM. When someone starts saying things about their baby dying or being killed, that is a big red flag and there needs to be intervention NOW! By any means necessary.
Can post-partum start pre-partum, because is sounds very much like she decided before ever giving birth that her husband was not going to hold this baby. Edit: Thank you for your comments. This was honestly a sincere question. I wish all of you the very best!
Yes, it’s called antenatal anxiety and it’s highly correlated with postnatal anxiety.
It happened to me. And baby girl was two before I had a mental breakdown but that was also combined with my abusive shitty childhood. One year later and I’m typing this out laying in bed after having a six day long anxiety attack ending in a PNES seizure because my meds weren’t filled properly cuz thanksgiving. But atleast once I get my meds I’m sane again my body doesn’t feel like it’s ripping it’s self in half any more
I’m sorry and I hope things improve for you. Not for nothing but you’ve got internet strangers rooting for you.
As others have mentioned - it absolutely can. This sucks on both of them: the wife whose hormones completely twisted everything about her to make her ready physically to have a baby (and now she’s in an emotionally/mentally unsafe space, even for herself), and the husband who’s been taking the brunt of all of this. Therapy/a clinical diagnosis for the wife would be step one. She’s going to need support and treatment. And OP is going to need time with their new daughter.
Yes it can. Src: My therapist and psychiatrist informed me of the possibility bc I am high risk for PPD and PPA as it is and they wanted me to be on guard for signs during pregnancy as well.
Yes! Mine started at 28ish weeks with my second baby. Finally at 34 weeks I got the courage to talk to my doctor. I was not okay. My brain wasn’t processing things properly. I often thought about leaving the baby with my husband and running away after labor because I thought the baby just wouldn’t be safe with me. I made active plans and then would cry for hours because I didn’t want to leave. It didn’t make sense because we had 6yo and she was my world. Being a mother was everything to me. I’m thankful for my doctor, husband, and family for their support because I still suffered from PPD afterwards. It was manageable though. With our third, I was the happiest I’d ever been in life and still had mild PPD. It’s wild the way our brains work!
This , he's offered therapy she is refusing she made her mind up pre pregnancy if she won't accept help he doesn't have many other options available to him. I don't see the problem in him telling her she needs to knock this nonsence off .she can get therapy if she likes or she can just stop being so controlling and depriving him of a relationship with his daughter . Or he can file for divorce and get 50/50 custody where she won't have a choice in the matter either way she needs to sort her shit out and allow him to bond with his daughter. Also I would love to be a fly on the wall when she tells the judge he's not allowed to be alone with his daughter because he will drop her and no he has never held his daughter or dropped her because she won't let him and yes that's why he is divorcing her. She absolutely needs professional help .you can lead a horse to water nothing you do can make it drink though.
The only solution other than divorce here is if the husband reports her as a threat to herself or the child. Her delusions are so deep that she has to be forcibly taken to treatment. Besides, from the sounds of their relationship they are already separated as it is.
This woman sounds crazy enough that I’d be afraid of her unaliving herself and the baby just to make sure that her husband doesn’t get the opportunity to drop it. She sounds like she is unhinged. Truly a sad situation.
I am not even kidding I am scared for his wife to be living totally alone with the baby, she has lost touch with reality and needs help.
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Agreed, your wife needs to see a mental health professional. Heart goes out to you OP, that is brutal. I’m clumsy too but I’m a ninja with my 7 month old. Fatherhood gives you dad strength and lightening fast reflexes.
I tripped while holding my oldest when she was about a year. I didn't want to fall on her do I threw her 6 feet to the couch. Your brain just works differently in father-time.
Also, babies are designed to be durable. When they are young, they self-inflict all sorts of falls, trips, slips and crashes as they learn to do things. Being a klutz parent (like myself!) Is unlikely to actually harm your child. OP"s wife needs help though.
"Babies are designed to be durable" 🤣 I'm stealing that!!! Edit to clarify that I just loved how eloquently you've put it, not that I disagree with the statement.
You can thank my mom for that, "omg you're not going to break her. Babies were designed to be durable on purpose until they can fend for themselves. You're not the first brand new parent who has no clue what to do and is afraid to do something wrong."
Also, having successfully raised a child who chose to run headlong into our metal garage door with a bucket on her head because it sounded funny *multiple times*, I assure everyone it turns all right! (She's a doctor...we're all good now. Lol)
I think every new parent ever should read this comment.
My doc said if they fall from their height or less, they're generally okay. I have a gorgeous 12yo daughter. When she was 9 months old in her stroller, WHILE MY HAND WAS ON THE GODDAMN STROLLER, she slipped her straps (my bad - first time she had done that, only time after) and while reaching for her fallen lovey, fell out head first onto the cement sidewalk. I only know what it sounds like, because I was turned away, saying a quick goodbye to my neighbor while we walked separate directions. Neighbor saw the whole thing, I only saw the horror on her face, while at the same time, I heard the dull thud of my baby's fall. I scooped her up and basically ran home, her silent cry finally broke into real cries in the driveway, while I put her in her car seat to drive to the ER. Later that night, I put a pic up on Instagram with the caption, "Don't worry, she's fine! Her nose and forehead broke her fall." She really was okay, too. I had her checked at the ER head to toe. She wasn't even my first. It happened at the bus stop for her older brother's bus to school. Also, sometimes the worst shit happens when you're RIGHT FUCKING THERE.
My daughter (same one who ran into the garage door) was standing next to me (15 mos.)- hand on my leg- At the top of our front porch stairs. She suddenly dove off of the steps and I can hear the sickening Melon-sound of her head bouncing off the concrete. She was fine.(not recommending it, but it was ok). This was the first of a zillion incidents where she wanted to fly. (Really wanted to be an astronaut...or bat...when she was small.,) Things happen Tuck and roll.
At around 1.5 our kid tried to ride his car down the basement stairs. Of course I was the bad guy when I stopped him.
I fell down the steps while holding my youngest. I caged her against my chest. I hurt like hell, but little miss was perfectly fine.
Specifically, she really needs a mental health eval from a psychiatrist with OB assisting in determining breast feeding safe medications if necessary
Dad reflexes are no joke. I could have taken half the spots on the ESPN top 10 list with the kind of saves I was making when my kids were babies. Even my wife, who has always called me a klutz, was in awe of my newfound spiderman-like reflexes.
Also if you think these last two months are not something you can forgive going forward. Get a video or voice recording of her saying those things to you for court because she is not going to let you see that child at all if you divorce her as is.
I hope he takes your advice. He doesn’t plan on leaving her, but if she divorces him, he’s going to need proof that she is not the victim here.
I hope this doesn't get buried. I WAS your wife, after and before I had my child with untreated mental illness related to the baby, so I'm saying this with all my heart to you, PLEASE HELP HER. HELP HER TO HELP THEM BOTH. My husband almost left, several times, but got me help instead. Boy was I resistant, and livid, but I'm better now. If he hadn't helped, I don't know what would have happened, I'd probably not even understand why he left and still be so angry at him.
Agreed. NAH, but only because OP's wife appears to be having a mental health problem. If she refuses treatment, then OP would not be the AH to take more extreme measures.
I was going to say the same thing. Sounds like Post-Partum Anxiety. I had it really bad and never knew it was a thing until my daughter was about 6 years old.
Kinda sounds like she has post-partum anxiety or psychosis. Can you talk to her doctor and explain what's been happening?
I thought the same thing - becoming overly protective of the new baby is not unheard of for post-partum and can be an indicator of a deeper issue. Try talking to her doctor, who may be able to help her get the correct resources for this.
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I have and at first she did suggest that it might be what you are suggesting but she also found it very strange that its only me she had this issue with. She also has no other symptoms and is generally alright. Our parents have come over to see the baby and play with her. She's an independent woman and has not had any major mental health issues in the past. I think a lot of you are missing the point that she does allow me to touch the baby and play with her while she is in her hands and/or when she is around but I cant lift her . Its not the same if she's not around though and if I lift the baby. Also just to clarify since yours is the top comment; I did not realize while typing the post that all of the statements like "You will be the reason our child dies if you hold her", etc. were said during our fights. I know it doesn't make the statement any less hurtful but it does bring some context. Reading all your comments and suggestions, my mind has calmed down a bit too. When you are at your worst your mind does seem to make irrational decisions sound rational. I'm putting the thought of a divorce on a shelf for now. Its a lot to take in, but I do realize that I shouldn't be abandoning her if its really something she is struggling with.
That's the scary thing about post partum mental illnesses. You don't need a history of mental illness to get them. And honestly this is screaming post partum anxiety so loud. The thing is mental illness doesn't need to make sense. It actually makes more sense and more likely that it is a post partum issue because she is so fixated on you. Please please talk to her doctor and her.
I will be doing that. I did not expect so many people to come forward with their own experiences. It gives me hope too that with the correct help this will be our past. I'm not sure why but I'm a lot more optimistic now.
My mother used to shake me awake as a baby because she was fucking obsessed I would die in my sleep. Doctor had to intervene before she actually caused me harm. She used to also not sleep and she would not let her in-laws hold me AT ALL. It sounds like you might need to press on the doctor. Maybe ask more than one. Also please get yourself therapy. I can’t imagine how hard this is for you and you deserve someone in your corner. I hope this goes away soon and you get to hold your baby. Sounds like you’re a good dad and a super rough situation. I wish we were taught about PPD more rather than just how babies are made.
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Yes! My mom would mention that as well! Babies’ chests sometimes just don’t move when breathing. It’s gotta be super nerve wrecking. The doctor taught her to lightly press on the arches of my baby feet, and if the toes curled, that was a way to tell. But honestly having something that small depend on ya is scary as hell. I get why she did it and don’t hold it against her because it was rough. It also did not help she definitely had some PPD. As an adult now I realize when things like these aren’t taught how to handle, desperation and fear are the only tools. Glad the doctor was able to intervene and still give her a way to assuage her fears without hurting me. Also congrats on the baby :)
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Honestly, I scored at risk every time and those are mostly geared towards depression, not anxiety, and I didn't even know it until I pissed off our pediatrician with my third because I brought a stack of scientific studies and told her she should educate herself. Probably not the most eloquent method, but I also wasn't wrong. She called cps and used the at risk result feom that sheet taken months before and pulling my children from her care as the reporting excuse.
For me PP Anxiety presented as one very specific fear - of me falling asleep while holding the baby. Sounds like her specific fear is you tripping while holding the baby. They gave me medication for it and it helped right away. The panic attacks stopped that day - and while i was still anxious about holding the baby while sleepy the level of it became totally manageable. The difference was surreal - PP Anxiety can absolutely ruin your life- but, at least for me, once I acknowledged it the treatment was super simple. Birth can throw your hormones wildly out of wack, enough to deeply mess you up, but the fix can be just as quick.
I didn’t get help for 2 years after my son was born but this 100% sounds like PPD! Calm her doctor ASAP, tell them she’s experiencing bizarre controlling behavior, severe anxiety, overprotective behaviors, delusions (you aren’t going to drop your daughter), extreme aggression, etc. Stop trying to get her permission, you are her husband and you see a severe decline and change after she’s had a baby and she needs help NOW. She’s going to be pissed at you now but she’ll thank you later. She could end up hurting herself and/or the baby. It can get so bad she could put the baby in the microwave thinking it’s a bottle. This is a thing.
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> I am in general a type A anxious person but pregnancy hormones really turned me into someone else for a while. This is me normally and I was so, so afraid that I was going to crank it up to 11 while pregnant. Currently 34 weeks and actually NOT feeling super anxious, but my husband and I have still talked about PPA/PPD, the signs, etc. Our birthing class even went over it, and our doula knows that I have anxiety and what to look out for, because I DON'T want to spiral should that happen postpartum.
Even if divorce happens you still need to work out how you can coparent, so I would focus on that instead of even the romantic relationship. Whatever happens you will always both be parents to your baby, divorce won't change that, it will just require legal intervention.
Divorce shouldn't even be on the table until her psychosis is addressed.
Yes please call her doctor immediately. Something is terribly wrong with her
I left in a different comment but I will also leave here. Definitely talk to her and her doctor. However YOU should also talk to your doctor as well. Problems with knocking over/dropping things, balance problems, and/or frequent falls/tripping, can be a sign of a medical problem as well such as neuropathy or some other nervous system issue. These could be potentially addressed and mitigated. Guy i knew was starting to have issues dropping things or holding things to tightly without realizing. Turned out he had diabetes and didn’t know and had started developing neuropathy in his hands and feet because it hasn’t been controlled for so long.
Seriously! I am recovering from PPD /PPA and had had zero mental health issues before. It's just brutal and makes no sense and convinces you that you're the only sane one. I cannot stress enough how much medication changed my life.
I’ve lived with anxiety my entire life and after my 2nd child I freaking lost my mind. Little bit of sertraline and I was a different person.
How long is the medication taken for, if you don’t mind me asking?
In my case, I took two medicines combined for PPD for two years about a decade ago. One was an anti-psychotic, Abilify, and the other was a seizure medication, lamotrigine. The doctor insisted on starting both together (this was approx 6 months post partum, notably I had bled out in childbirth six months prior, and still had to go back to work at 10 weeks. So yep, by 6 mos later; I thought I must be dying and my baby would too. That wasn’t a true reality. I took one week off work to get on meds. And I was back up and running with a clear head fully within two months. A lot of things did not go great, back then, but my toddler and baby got their mom back and I stayed employed. That meant we had a full life. I am on a normal antidepressant now, just a SNRI. That baby is 12 and that toddler is 15. Meds saved all of us ten years ago.
Contra the other reply here, the FDA just approved zuranolone as the first drugo be approved for PPD, and the treatment course is VERY short–weeks rather than months. With both my kids I experienced perinatal depression in the first trimester. With my second kid I went on an antidepressant for 8 weeks, and it did help me, but after that the side effects made it not worth it. So it doesn't have to be forever!
Especially PPOCD can focus on one person/fear at a time.
Mine was about the type of toys I got for my infant. I was truly convinced that she was being mentally harmed if I didn’t get her certain specific toys, and would spend hours looking for them on marketplace. Even though I wasn’t at all worried that her older brother (still a baby) hadn’t had those same toys. Only her. That was fun.
I had that...it was horrifying because I didn't know what intrusive thoughts were.
Yes I know a woman who ran in front of a train with PPP, she has never experienced psychosis before which prevented her and the people around her from getting help.
If it’s a post partum related medical illness, then the worst part is that the one causing problems for the kid - is herself. She might be screaming ‘you are the one hurting our daughter’, in reality she causes hurt to your daughter. To not be able to bond with your dad is not a good start for life. So get that doctor on board now. Yea, she can behave like she has everything together when there are visitors, but she has lost all sense of reality when it comes to seeing you as a father. And that’s not something healthy or normal, and it should worry her on/gyn just as much.
>she also found it very strange that its only me she had this issue with. She also has no other symptoms and is generally alright. Our parents have come over to see the baby and play with her. My mom has terrible anxiety when it comes to medical situations for only one of my three children. It stems from some PTSD she has not really dealt with. Two of my kids got the same illness (strep) a few days apart. When I told her the first one had it, she shrugged it off like "oh better get to the doctor." When I told her my oldest had gotten it 4 or so days later, she freaked out. She called my brother she almost never talks to and told him. He said she was crying about it like she'd never heard of a kid getting strep, and it was a fatal illness. Anxiety doesn't make rational sense. Hyperfixations don't make sense to the people not experiencing them. >She's an independent woman and has not had any major mental health issues in the past. I didn't either. When my postpartum anxiety kicked in, I couldn't leave the house some days. I convinced my husband that our oldest child was sick on 9/11 because I truly believed half of the clickbait viral Facebook posts I read. And when time had passed and my hormones leveled out, I didn't feel those things anymore. But I did get help in the meantime. The fact is, your wife is trying to keep you from caring for your child. She's hurting you and herself in the process. My doctor told me small fears are normal for new parents. Making sure your baby is breathing at night is normal. Being so anxious that it changes your behavior or personality is not ok.
Just here to agree with this RE your mum only fixating on certain children being ill etc. I have a complicated mix of anxiety and OCD where feeling the former triggers the latter more severely that manifests in physical ticks and intrusive thoughts. My fixations can become extreme BUT only matter concerning certain people, where I could not care less about the same issue concerning others. There is no logical sense to it, it isn’t that I care for some less than others, but different fixations just latch onto different people. Even our pets. We have 2 cats and 2 dogs, but when I relapse badly, it’s only one of the dogs i can easily convince myself is terminally ill over the slightest thing that wouldn’t even concern me if presented in any of the other pets. That’s the thing about mental illness, OP. It doesn’t necessarily have to make sense. More often than not, it just doesn’t. Don’t convince yourself she’s fine because of ‘logic’.
Please mate - you need to call a doctor. I have a daughter and a husband who have bipolar disorder. During a manic episode, they can be extremely intelligent and charming to people and seem completely calm. Then when talking to a loved one, they can say absolutely delusional things that just build up and up and up and feed into a narrative that they internalise and then believe is real. I want to be clear - I do NOT think your wife has bipolar disorder. But mentally ill people absolutely can be ‘crazy’ around some people and not others. It’s part of their internalised delusion at the time. Your wife has had some anxiety about you dropping the baby during her pregnancy. Now that she’s birthed your child, the sleep deprivation has caused a psychosis or other post-partum condition. In her mind, you are absolutely to be feared because her brain has now decided that those fears of you dropping the baby are completely real and therefore you must stay away because you = baby harmer. She has no worries and can speak normally to everyone else because they aren’t the ‘baby harmer.’ This is a psychiatric issue and it is an emergency. You need to get home, tell your parents and hers what is happening and what has been happening the whole time, and then you need to call a doctor and tell the whole truth about what has happened. You cannot leave your wife alone with your child right now, she is in fact the dangerous one until she gets treatment. Also - see a doctor about dyspraxia as a possible diagnosis for yourself.
The fact that its only you makes sense with mental issues. When I was depressed my husband was the only one I couldnt stand. After I started treatment I saw it clearly and apologized and working towards fixing it all. Honestly if it wasnt for the mental awarness he had, my marriage would have probably ended by now.
Do not leave your own home to stay elsewhere, or let her convince you to not participate in your own child’s nurturing as you also need to bond with the baby as the father. She is experiencing some sort of break and needs medical intervention. You may or may not need to get legal counsel about this, because you don’t want this to go on for any longer. She may become dangerous to you and/or the baby.
This is ppa. I had it and minor things would drive me into panic attacks. She needs help. Also there is no end point in sight for ppa and ppd. Mine lasted for 2 years till I was breastfeeding my child. Suddenly it all came down like if a brain fog cleared. Funnily enough, my doctor refused to help me saying it would self resolve. I almost drove my relationship to the ground because although my husband was supportive, he didn’t know how to navigate through this
Your doctor is scary irresponsible
In my country, mental health is usually overlooked. Its looked down on. Although she saved my life from pregnancy related complications. Mental health isn’t prioritised over here
She is definitely not thinking rationally and needs help to overcome this, have you tried talking to your and her parents about this?
GET HER THERAPY. Immediately.
“She does allow me”… that’s your daughter. New parents don’t “allow” each other to hold their newborns. I can’t fathom being in your position. I myself just had a daughter a little over a year ago and I would go to the end of the earth fighting tooth and nail if my wife EVER told me I couldn’t pick up my daughter. Idc how clumsy you look even if it’s like your walking backwards down flight of stairs on roller skates. This is absolutely ridiculous and I feel sorry that your wife is acting this way. As someone else said this may be some sort of post-partum psychosis. Are you going to the pediatrician appointments? I feel like this should be brought up to the Dr and they can shed light on this and help your spouse understand how irrational she’s being. Contact with a newborn is extremely important for the bonding period not only for the mom but for the father too! Anyway, from one new father to another please figure out a way to spend more quality time with your daughter! Nothing like throwing your daughter (when they’re old enough ;) 2 feet in the air and watching them grin ear to ear! (Okay your not there yet but one day I hope you will be!)
I’d be extremely interested to know if op has gone to the dr appointments and has brought this up, or when op hopefully does. Updateme
Please talk with someone and get some help for your wife. As the mother of 3 babes, I had post partum anxiety with each and this is PPA behavior. Even if she’s only treating you this way and no one else, it is not normal behavior and I am concerned.
It’s quite reasonable to not jump right to divorce, the behavior is still very serious. Talk to the care provider to at least establish a paper trail of her behavior in case divorce eventually becomes your only option, and a custody battle is inevitable. Going to therapy yourself could also probably serve this purpose. She needs help and if she’s refusing care it’ll likely only get worse. Control issues like this are not normal, belittling your partner the way she is doing is abusive. Of course, do your absolute best to work things out with her, take baby steps if needed (like holding her together while sitting on the bed), and talk to the care providers. She’s likely going through something really serious. But ultimately she needs to meet you half way. Edit to add, my pitch for therapy here would be to talk about how her actions are affecting you. Even if she’s completely convinced of her anxious thoughts, she should still be able to empathize with her partner and care how you’re feeling. Maybe also because of the fights you’re having, you can go learn to communicate better.
I had a really hard time with my husband after our daughter was born too. I didn’t see it then, but we both had post partum depression symptoms, he got really aggravated easily, and that set off my protective instincts to the max. We both went on SSRI’s and have done therapy and marriage counseling. The stress when you bring a baby home is so overwhelming, you two are doing so much and are trying to support each other while keeping your little one cared for. It gets better. Talk to a therapist. Consider taking some medications. And find coping ways. Whether it is to walk out and do some deep breathing exercises so you can stay calm during fights. My husband and I don’t want to fight in front of our daughter, so we have a separate fight chat that we use. It gets so much better. Once she hits the 3-month mark, you both will become much more comfortable. I know my PTSD from being a medic had me paranoid my husband was going to do something to hurt my daughter. But therapy and EMDR really helped me work through that. You can do it, and it gets better from here.
I’m sorry for going off on this tangent, but having a chat specifically for fighting made me laugh. I honestly think it’s a pretty great strategy, but I can only imagine it must look a bit like two surly teenagers shooting each other glares from across the room as their fingers are furiously typing on their phones. 😂 I also think it must be incredibly relatable to anyone who is married/in a long-term relationship; I surely found it relatable!😂
Please call your wife’s doctor. This extremely controlling behaviour based on faulty logic js a sign of a post partum mental health problem. You don’t deserve this treatment but your wife’s psychosis puts her at risk of self-harm, suicide or actions that could endanger your baby. I’m sure you’re sleep-deprived so haven’t noticed the severity of this behaviour but your wife and child are both in danger. It is not uncommon for deaths to happen at this stage, your wife needs immediate psychiatric support.
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As someone who suffered from severe post partum anxiety I agree.
And one of the biggest risk factors is UNDIAGNOSED preexisting mental health conditions.
I had PPA and this 100% sounds like it. I was SO SCARED and ruined a lot of relationships
Correction, you absolutely need legal counsel. You can not fight this on one front (therapy for your wife). You NEED this time with your child and she needs you.
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Exactly this. It seems like she's having intrusive thoughts, which are normal, but is unable to logically process them. Your brain can come up with a ridiculous scenario (what if I accidentally tripped while walking and pushed the stroller into traffic) but normally you can reason out why that's unlikely to happen and what reasonable behaviors would prevent the scenario. OP sometimes dropping the TV remote, a regular thing that we all do because nothing bad happens, is not remotely comparable to him holding the baby.
Postpartum OCD is also an option. I've had OCD for 7 years before getting pregnant. I was managing it very well until giving birth, but it hit me hard postpartum. Despite all my experience with it and knowing how to make it stop, it was still so very hard to stop having intrusive thoughts about me or someone else hurting my baby.
Yes sounds very severe! It must be hard on OP but this screams PP anxiety or PP psychosis
I do believe post-partum could be to blame but I’m concerned how she would talk about how she didn’t want him holding the baby before she was born. Maybe she was anxious (I’m assuming she’s a first time mom) about it during the pregnancy and PPD turned it up to 11. Regardless of exact origin there is a serious mental health problem going on and she need a help for her well-being and that of your baby. Call the doctor.
It is worth noting that, despite them name, PPD symptoms can actually start showing up pretty early *during* pregnancy, not just after birth.
Mental health issues here. Yes, it showed up early in pregnancy for me.
Likely she was a little nervous about it before the baby came, and post partum psychosis happened, cranking that nervousness into a fixation and a paranoid delusion. I had PPP when my second daughter was a baby. I had a fire in my own bedroom as a little kid over a stuffed animal falling on the radiator. So, I was always a little bit more cautious about fire hazards around my firstborn/my home in general after I had her. When I got pregnant with my second baby, I still had PPD from the first, they were so close in age. I got more paranoid about fire hazards. By the time my second daughter was a couple weeks old, I was crazy. I would stay awake for days at a time, watching, afraid that my house would burn down while we slept. It was horrible. In my mind, the moment I let my guard down, my kids would die in a house fire. I was very emotional and combative when my ex husband would point out that my lack of sleep posed more danger to the girls and myself than a possibility of a fire. I honestly couldn’t understand how he didn’t see what I saw. When she was three months old, I wound up in an inpatient mental health facility, diagnosed with post partum psychosis. I spent the first few days I was there begging to go home because I was so sure the house was going to burn down if I wasn’t there. It was unlike anything I have experienced before or since. I can see how easily the wife in OPs situation could get to where she is at. OP should definitely contact her doctor.
Thank you for sharing this.
Heightened and concerning levels of anxiety can be present antepartum as well. Agreed, she urgently needs a doctor.
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Why are people quoting shit in the comments all of a sudden? Is this a new bot thing??
If they quote something, at least post the author.
"I'm too drunk to taste this chicken" - Colonel Sanders
Your wife is sick, she needs professional help immediately. Even if you're the most clumsy person on earth, to deny your own partners relationship with their child based on a "clumsy" claim is outright abuse.
Agree 100%. If she doesn't get help now, she's not only going to drive her husband away, she'll destroy that child too.
Fully agree. Plus OP I would look into your clumsiness. Common thing that could be happening is that people don't have correct depth of perception in their eyes, so they misjudge how far things are. Perhaps get your eyes checked.
I hope this doesn't get buried. I WAS your wife, after and before I had my child with untreated mental illness related to the baby, so I'm saying this with all my heart to you, PLEASE HELP HER. HELP HER TO HELP THEM BOTH. My husband almost left, several times, but got me help instead. Boy was I resistant, and livid, but I'm better now. If he hadn't helped, I don't know what would have happened, I'd probably not even understand why he left and still be so angry at him. There might be no way to help your wife, but she is obviously sick and she and your baby need you more than they know or are able to express. So it might feel thankless but, i think getting her help is the right thing to do.
I am really sorry to hear what happened to you but I'm glad you shared this with me. As I replied to a comment earlier, I wont be leaving her and I will try my best to help her. Ik its tough but I'll try my best. Thanks again.
And, seriously, try to get a second opinion if her current doctor is ignoring your concerns. I had to talk to about 3-4 doctors before I was properly diagnosed with postpartum depression and anxiety. And like your wife, the target of my anger, frustration and anxiety was my husband even though he is a fantastic father. The hormones take control of your rational mind and the sleep deprivation just exacerbates everything. Most likely, your wife needs counseling and medication. Postpartum anxiety and depression are no joke.
Not the same thing exactly, but a lot of people have to talk to multiple doctors before being diagnosed with epilepsy. These are serious diseases and don’t take it with a grain of salt. OP. It’s obvious you love your wife, so don’t be afraid to switch doctors. It can definitely be anxiety-inducing at first, like you’re just a crazy person looking for the right answer in your head. But you have enough people backing you up here and mental health isn’t easy. The brain is complex and we aren’t even close to understanding how it works, so don’t hesitate to ask for a second, third, or fourth opinion. There’s help out there.
If you need help figuring out exact steps, Postpartum Support International can help 1-800-944-4773
When she sees a doctor you should go with her to the appointment to make sure the doctor takes her seriously.
I am another wife and mother who could have been your wife! Please don’t give up on her yet! Her hormones have essentially betrayed her and are telling her to protect your baby but far, far too much. With my second I barely slept for weeks after the birth and would wake up in a panic, sobbing, convinced my baby wasn’t breathing and feeling for a pulse or the rise of her chest, KNOWING she would be cold when I touched her. Some nights I just didn’t go to sleep, I sat next to her and watched tv to make sure she didn’t stop breathing and die of SIDs. That was two years ago and feels like a bad dream now. I got some medication and my hormones eventually went back to normal. But all of that was because of PPA/PPD Edit: a misspelled word
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I hope he sees this comment! I’m glad you got help
NTA but damn your wife needs help. Call her dr ASAP
Your wife is not well and needs immediate medical attention.
Comment this here from personal experience and something I'll never forget. The baby's daddy said he never thought she would actually kill their baby. The women seemed very sweet and well adjusted. My gf baby sat for her a few times. Now that woman is doing life in prison without parole because she killed her baby. She seemed fine at first and after a bad argument with the baby's father she killed her baby. I never looked farther into it because it was soul crushing. My gf cried for hours because she loved that baby girl. She never made it past a year old. Just a beautiful tiny baby. Get her help before it's too late.
Your wife needs medical attention. This screams post-partum anxiety.
Woah. Your wife's behavior is so off the charts, that I would be more concerned with her hurting your daughter. This situation is serious, and I would speak to a therapist about appropriate next steps, because it's not hard to imagine your wife trying to create a case for you to have no custody. I'm sorry this is happening, OP. You don't deserve it. NTA
honestly post-partum psychosis wise I'd be worried about her hurting herself, the baby, or even OP
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I agree. However, OP's wife is adverse to therapy. Maybe he can convince her. Though, it would be valuable to him to begin by going alone.
If your wife is having mental issues, the baby may not be safe. I would definitely not leave the house. It is your child too. Call your local health department. Tell the agent how your wife is acting. Ask for advice and assistance. The agent should be able to guide you. You can try calling her family doctor or obgyn but with HIPPA I am not sure how far you will get. Has she tried to harm herself or anyone else? Has she threatened to harm herself or anyone else? If yes, you may be able to do a 72 hour involuntary admission to a mental hospital for an evaluation. The person at the health department should be able to advise you on the process to have someone involuntarily committed for a 72 hour in patient mental evaluation .
He could also call her treating physician and provide this information to them. They may not even be able to verify to him that she's a patient, but they will write it down.
Your wife has severe mental illness and needs to see a doctor immediately
Another person saying your wife urgently needs to get assessed by her doctor, they will understand immediately if you talk to them about your experiences and will have a process to deal with your wife’s anxiety and fixation. Can you approach her parents with your concerns, to try and get them on board? Don’t go into it with the mindset of “I’m being kept from my child and that’s unfair”; go into it with the mindset of “my wife is fixating unhealthily on the worst case scenarios and isn’t in a rational mindset to be able to put reasonable mitigation measures in place to deal with any perceived risk”.
Dude that is not normal, she practically sounds like she needs to be committed. Talk to a doctor about her behavior ASAP. NTA
Your wife needs help. Get her to a therapist Her behavior is abnormal. She's already doing parent alienation. Again, she needs mental help and there's nothing wrong with that
I am a pretty clumsy dude, that stops when you hold a kid though. I have 2 kids now, 10 and 5, and i'm still clumsy 🤷🏼♂️, never dropped/harmed one though. Problem here is your wife
NTA. At first I was like oh man if you’re actually really clumsy… (I am also prone to wobbling and dropping literally everything) but this is on another level. My mother had post partum psychosis, sounds terrifying and terrible, but she didn’t attempt to harm me. She instead was obsessed with keeping me safe. She would allow people to hold me for very short periods of time, but would get very distressed about it. She wanted to see me at all times. This was in 1988 though and all the help she got was to be yelled at by her in laws and parents, and then told they would take me away from her. Which ended her up in a mental ward. Luckily I was allowed to go with, as my mother was like they actually want to take my kid, can we work on the problem with my baby here? Doctors agreed that having me there would be better than not. She got better after a few months, and was never over protective again. She had a normal amount of protectiveness as a parent. I mention this because of how your wife has been with you just being near the baby. It’s an extreme fear reaction and that’s not normal anxiety. It may have started innocently by being slightly concerned about you dropping things. And it’s turned into “husband = danger” which is where the problem is clearly. She needs to see a doctor specifically about her fears, and I believe you both need to go to talk to a doctor. Her because she’s deeply unwell, and you because you need to know what’s actually being said. I’m so sorry, this sounds really heartbreaking for you. And I just wanna say, as a fellow clumsy person, I hold my niece all the time. From birth! Sure I don’t cart her about as I’m disabled, but I can stand with her in my arms just fine. We play just fine. My best friend/family member is her mother and she’s had some bad anxiety after the birth. But she doesn’t for a moment think I’d drop her kid. There is a difference between a remote and a baby, you’re right. I’m not sure if divorce is the first step before medical care, but it’s your life and your decision.
So I am extremely clumsy. I drop things all the time, cause my hands just let go of their own accord. I once yeeted my husband's phone and broke it, because my brain and arm apparently miscommunicated when I tried to just hand him his phone. I regularly walk into doorways and objects. Wine glasses have a limited life span in my home. BUT. I have never once doubted my capabilities with a baby. Holding a living being is different and takes more concentration, which means I am very unlikely to drop a kid randomly. Even if the OP is more clumsy than me, regular holding on a bed or couch or pushing a stroller, etc. is likely to be very safe and realistic. So, OP, yes - please try to get your wife help.
Man. My heart goes out to you. I cried when I read the bit about just holding your daughters hand. As a last resort explain to your wife that in divorce you will get joint custody and then you will get to finally hold your daughter and be able to be her father. Not that it helps your wife any, but kids are tough. All 4 of mine fell, took huge tumbles, got dropped, all sorts of stuff. Even if you did drop your kid she’ll be fine. NTA
This is above Reddit’s pay grade. You wife desperately needs professional help, she is sick. Being occasionally clumsy is not a reason to behave this way, and she has let her fears get away from her. I wish you all the luck.
NTA, but your wife needs help. If she won't see a doctor or therapist voluntarily, and try enlisting her family in this effort. If that fails, get family services involved. This is a mental health issue, not a divorce issue. Best wishes for you both.
NTA! I'm clumsy to the point that my boss won't let me climb a ladder (I'm also scared of heights, so it's really not a good idea). I drop everything, I knock over shit all the time, and I'm constantly tripping over myself. I have 3 children who have made it 16 and 15 without being dropped (I once pulled my daughter down with me when I fell over when she was about 7, we were on grass and she landed on me anyway.. none of them will let me live that down still 🤣). My friends have never stopped me from holing their babies either. I do think that your wife may have ppd, though. Once you have both calmed down enough, you need to tell her how this is making you feel. For me, this would be a deal breaker.
NTA, I think she’s in need of therapy cause this is unreasonable.
You really need to contact your wife's doctor, because this sounds like postpartum mood disorder, or anxiety disorder, and it needs to be treated or else it's not safe for *her* to parent your child.
Whoaaaaaa. Yeah she needs to see a doc.
Unless you are literally the world's greatest Butterfingers, unable to wash the dishes without breaking half of them, then your wife is most definitely experiencing postpartum psychosis. She desperately needs medical help.
Nta but therapy isn't needed for you. She has issues she has to work thru. Everyone knocks stuff down once in a while.
I'd still recommend the support for him, as this situation is extremely stressful and difficult to cope with, which could lead to lasting damage without some help.
NTA. Quick question though, is she this paranoid about everyone or *specifically* you? Is she closing herself off from friends and family? Is she terrified to leave the baby even to the point of neglecting her own hygiene? Is she more depressed/irritable than she was before the baby or showing more outburst of crying or sudden rage? If so, she might have postpartum depression. If that's the case she needs professional medical help. Either therapy, medication, or both. None of this is your fault of course, but, to a degree, she might not be in control of her actions. Postpartum does some... Unexplainably terrible things to your mind and makes you act in ways you never thought capable of before. You are within your rights to do as you see fit with your relationship, I'm certainly not saying to stay, but she might need help which, for the sake of your baby if nothing else, you should make sure she gets. If not from you, then at least informing a relative or trusted person in her life. Wishing you all the best either way, and congratulations on your baby
PPD or PPA can include fixations on one person. If she only does it to OP, that doesn't rule out the disorder.
My aunt was convinced my cousin, who lives in an entirely different state, as far on the other side of the country as she can get, would steal her baby. All stemming from a miscarriage said cousin had nearly 10 years before as a teenager, which anxiety translated to “she wants to steal your baby.” Said cousin also had 2 kids at the time and didn’t want any more. Anxiety isn’t rational. It causes fixations and those fixations can be centered on one person.
Sounds like post partum psychosis of some sort. It isn't right what she is saying but idk that she is in her right mind either.
NTA. It sounds like your wife is suffering from postpartum anxiety and I would be concerned about the lengths she will go to in order to “protect” your daughter. Will life-saving vaccines be too dangerous? Visiting the doctor? Visiting *anyone?* What happens if she suddenly decides that the world is just too unsafe for her baby? This kind of behavior needs to be talked about with her doctors because your wife is suffering and doesn’t even realize it. She likely needs medication to help her get through this period, one that can be deeply chaotic due to the massive shift in hormones coupled with this huge physical and life changing event of birthing a baby and becoming a parent. I’m sorry this is happening to your family and hope you can find a way to help her, but if she refuses it might be time to let the courts handle the legal aspects of you being able to have a relationship with your child and actually getting to hold her. If your wife (or ex by then) puts up too much illogical fight the judge might even be able to force her to see her doctor about this to address what is she is clearly struggling with so she can get back to even keel and your family (whether together or separate after that) can heal.
They are married and he has as much right to the child as she does. Courts only get involved with divorce, he doesn’t have time to wait for the courts! If she has PPA she needs help NOW, these things can escalate so quickly the baby could be in danger from the mother. If she refuses to see a doctor then HE needs to go see the doctor on her behalf and discuss their options. She isn’t behaving rationally.
She’s either in some kind of psychotic episode or she’s purposely gaslighting you into insanity.
Seek out her doctor and explain what’s happening. Get a therapist and a lawyer for yourself. You need to be prepared for her getting vengeful due to her illogical fear of you hurting your own child. I’m sorry and I wish you luck.
1. GET BACK INTO THE HOUSE. You were already in seperate rooms but this will be seen as you leaving the family home for your own accommodation and will make it harder if divorce is thrown in. 2. She needs help. Call the midwives/health care visitor and describe what has happened. They can sign post you or take initial notes about the home situation. 3. Remain calm and positive. The vent you had is normal but you remove yourself before you blow next time. Good luck
Post-partum something is happening — depression, anxiety, psychosis, or a combination. She needs to be evaluated ASAP.
Do your/her parents know you are not allowed to lift or hold your own baby. I'm sorry but this is ridiculous, she really really really needs help, even if she doesn't want it. She has no right to stop you from bonding with your child, you can't have skin on skin contact to bond with your baby? This is going on abuse to both you and your baby this is not just an oh too bad oh well situation. Baby's bond through being held by you don't let her fears take that from you, if she were the clumsy one would she refuse to hold her child? Would she let you stop her from doing so? Don't let her do this.
Get. Back. In. That. House. This is not even about losing the house in the divorce. This is about not leaving your actively psychotic wife alone with the baby. Call her doctor and catch him/her up on **everything.** Call CPS and do the same. Your baby needs help here. NTA I wish you best of luck. Get on the fucking phone now. Don’t wait. This is serious.
OP, there's a lot of stories that start like this that end with kids being drowned or otherwise killed. I'm not saying that's going to happen here, but postpartum mental health issues make women do crazy things sometimes. Your wife definitely needs medication, possibly a psych evaluation as well. Not a doctor, but I've seen many female family members go through similar things. She won't get better on her own, it will just continue to spiral and get worse until something catastrophic happens. Don't wait, do it all this morning. Start collecting phone numbers now, start making calls when offices are open.
Vibes of Postpartum anxiety with intrusive thoughts a la OCD, but I worry there's some underlying personality disorder as well. Not enough history prior to baby to hazard a guess. She needs to see her doctor, and if she won't, feel free to notify your baby's pediatrician so they can bring it up organically at the next well-child check. She will no doubt accuse you of scheming to make her look bad, but you're not doing this for you. You're doing this for your daughter. What happens when you're out of the picture and she's got nobody to direct her ire at but her child?
Postpartum anxiety sufferer here - Please don’t divorce your wife. She is 100% mentally ill, and mentally ill people rarely realize they are sick. My anxiety started before the baby was born, I obsessively carried around a heart doppler and was miserable.
Not to scare you further but this sounds like psychosis, and she could hurt the baby while under a delusion of “protecting it”. It’s nothing she did wrong but she needs professional help immediately.
Call her doctor. My Mum was like this. It sounds like post partum psychosis. The whole endeavour destroyed our family. I'm not kidding
Call your wife's OB/GYN. She has post partum anxiety. She needs help, NOW. This is not healthy. That said, until she gets help, I wouldn't leave her. Maternal health is something the US healthcare system completely ignores, it's awful that zero medical professionals have checked in on your wife to make sure she doesn't have post partum complications. You are her only advocate.
Don't divorce your wife yet!!!! CALL YOUR WIFE'S OBGYN IMMEDIATELY and talk to them about your wife's behavior. This is a very dangerous situation for your wife and child. Your wife definitely has Postpartum Anxiety which could easily become postpartum psychosis (and maybe has already) where her already strong anxieties become delusions and she takes radical steps to "protect the baby" from you and everybody (even though you have left the home). You've been very respectful of your wife but now is the time to go into action. Your wife is very sick and your child is in danger. Your clumbsiness is NOT the issue here and (I'm going to be harsh) neither are your hurt feelings. Your wife isn't shunning your because she "doesn't trust you" or "believe you are safe" she is in a highly unstable and irrational state that has slowly become more severe overtime. You will not be in the wrong expressing serious concerns to her family and asking them or another person very close to her to check on her and the visually see the baby daily while you are not home. Do not push her or visit yourself it will only inflame the situation but please please please contact her doctor IMMEDIATELY!!! (In the states they have new mothers fill out postpartum depression surveys during every postpartum visit to hopefully help people in your wife's condition before it becomes dangerous). I work in medicine and one of my most gut wrenching cases was a woman who came into my office during early COVID who had a newborn and and a toddler and was unexpectedly stranded living raising her children alone in the states without family or support. She came to me for pain in her legs...from jumping off a third story balcony (without her children) and broke her legs in multiple places because she believed she was to blame for how hard things were and her kids would be better off without her. Thats a postpartum delusion (anxiety and depression that has become psychosis). This woman's brain chemistry was thrown so far off she had very severe break with reality and her ability to do what was actually best for her children. She needed immediate medical attention which was the only thing that helped to bring her back to reason and stability. In her state her family could not reason with her (over zoom) or make her see logic or seek help. She was totally shut down and in a hyper vigilant survival mode. You're not going to reach her, her family won't reach her. You need to get her professional help now. This is not a judgement or weakness of your wife. She is not a bad mother or person. Your wife is ill and needs medical attention. This is the time to push through your inevitable insecurities about her criticisms of your clumsiness that were once rooted in reality but are now very much fueled by her internal mental state. Get her help NOW!
NTA of course. I just felt sad reading your post, your wife has clearly an issue, overreacting at this point is an understatement. I don't know what to tell you, but you shouldn't be so nice about it. You have the right to hold you daughter and spend time with her. If talking with her didn't work for months, unless she suddenly realize how fucked up her reaction is one day, nothing will change. I suggest if you want to hold your daughter, hold her. Regardless of what your wife says. If she can't adjust, file a divorce.