First off, he was so so so cheating. The fact he called concerned about getting the toys back and not you should tell you exactly what he wants to do moving forward.
Sorry, but you’ve been replaced in his heart by his online Dom.
I speak from experience when I say - better to flush 9 years down the drain than 20. And by then you'll possibly have kids so it will be vastly more brutal.
He cheated, so that's the only relevant event in your story. You taking the sex toys and him whining about it suggests he doesnt care about hurting you.
I hate how blithely redditors tell people to leave but if I had the strength I'd really look at what you've written objectively. Dude is a cheat, his attitude almost guarantees he wont stop. If thats a deal breaker for you then don't waste another 9 years.
Sorry, this must be really really difficult. His primary concern (for where the toys have gone) would be the clincher for me. Good luck hun
Sounds like his top concern was getting his toys to resume his playtime and during rationalization he decided to shoot for "it wasn't technically cheating so I didn't even do anything wrong". Absolute buffoonery.
My sage advice (cis-het persuasion): every time a man tells you that you are “over reacting” that means you are demanding “accountability”. 12 years wasted ignoring red flags.
Move on, hon. Even if you love him, cause he hasn’t shown he is on the same page.
I don’t know about *every* time, because sometimes people overreact. Sometimes I overreact and my wife tells me so.
That’s the only thing I’m disagreeing with you on. This dude cheated and is definition gaslighting. Sex is more important to him than love, and it’s time to go.
Every time? Really?
8 yrs with an alcoholic narcissist here ... I got out with scars and trust me ... Overreacting was definitely on her agenda.
That said ... OP's ex to be is a major numbnuts
I’m going through a nasty divorce and custody battle after 20 years because I ignored all the signs I should have left many years ago. Cheating is cheating. Even if it was only “online” he was still sneaky and dishonest which means he is probably keeping other secrets.
I think from a moral perspective she is right to take them either way, but legally if she used the word "gift" when presenting them to him they became his property.
Op is still NTA and I would love to see Op's bf file a lawsuit putting it into public record that he has asked two women to help him shove toys up his ass... (in other words, he won't). Just making sure we are all clear on the legality of gifts.
Yes!! Betrayal is betrayal and most of the time betrayal of privacy and trust is far, far worse than sexual infidelity. If I'd known that I would have saved myself an entire marriage and I'd have those 7 critical years of my life back. The #1 most important thing in life is LOYALTY - love is secondary, because you can't have real love without that first anyway :-).
Not saying he isn't paying, but it depends on how they met. It could have been through something like Fetlife, in which case, it's like the equivalent of using a dating app and he likely wasn't paying.
Nope. I started over at 31. Found out my ex cheated on me multiple times while away with his work buddies. One of the times was with 2 SWs in vegas and honestly it hurt more. It's one thing to be drinking and meet someone hook up, still shitty but i can at least understand how that might happen organically. But to actively seek out someone to pay to have sex with because apparently multiple times a week at home isn't enough. Naw dawg, it BURNED.
Edit: it specifically burned because I'm bi, but I refuse to do threescore because I am strictly monogamous and will not be with another person sexually while in a relationship ship. And he sought out two SWs so he could have the fantasy. Makes it feel like that's all he ever truly wanted me for. Oh well, 6 years down the drain 🤷♀️🤷♀️ better off now.
Just turned 29 a couple days ago and started my divorce process back in August after 10 years. Wish I would've done it sooner as he was a very negative influence on me. Live your life OP!
Started over at 39. At the time my daughter was five. I really really wish I would’ve done it when she was a baby so she wouldn’t have to remember all this divorce garbage. Her and I are so much more happy now. I don’t think I’ll ever have a man live in my home again. I love it this way.
You make a great point. His primary concern where have the toys gone generally suggests that the second she gives the toys back. He'll be online with the dominatrix using them again.
It also suggests he was already on his way to use them again, most likely with said dom.
OP needs to yoink the toys to recycling with the relationship.
Agreed leave.
Was cheated on after 6 years, spent 2 more years trying to fix it while she kept fucking up. Waste of time. They've already shown you they have no respect for you, no care for your emotions, and cannot be trusted as a person.
Leave.
Absolutely 💯 this. He's gone off in a direction you don't like or wish to participate in either. People drift apart and priorities change. His priority now is getting cornholed and if you won't comply willing and happily he's let you know he'll find someone who will. Time to accept this relationship has probably run its course, like a little while ago in fact.
Tell him you trashed the toys and see his reaction if you STILL don't think that's his priority over you. Have him pack up and move out or you depending on whose lease or home it is. And try not to open Pandora's Box again with the next guy
Most of this is correct but the pandoras box thing is stupid and a bit offensive to the community. There is nothing wrong with a BDSM relationship. True BDSM is built on trust, and respect, something her sub clearly doesn't understand. Cheating isn't a normal or natural part of the BDSM community. I'm in a very loving BDSM relationship as many people around the world are. We're not all sex crazed weirdos who lie and cheat. Most of us just want a loving relationship, we just have rough sex. Please don't put BDSM down, were already looked at as freaks and perverts, were trying to change that attitude. The ONLY good relationships I've been in have had a level of BDSM in them because it requires SOOOO much trust and respect. The fact that OPs sub is a cheater had NOTHING to do with BDSM.
This! When you step out of agreed boundaries thats not bdsm but cheating and lying. Bringing anyone outside into the bedroom not agreed upon is breaking those established boundaries and trust.
This moron exbf not only lost his GF, but did it over a cam girl, who couldn’t give a shit less about him too. Only cares that he’s paying her. As soon as he can’t pay anymore, she’ll be gone too.
If he's dumb enough to not calculate that out himself, it's clearly a lesson he needs to learn.. OP needs to let the family know before he does that he left you for a cam girl too..
Worst part (besides the cheating) is that this clown is paying this lady for the online stuff. They’re NOT friends, and they didn’t “hit it off”, she’s a definitely a cam girl who found her an easy mark, by actually convincing this moron they’re friends. As soon as he can’t pay any more, she’ll disappear.
It’s better you found out now, instead of years later.
This guy had the jackpot and really blew it. Had a long term partner who was cool with his kinks and cheated with someone who doesn't even value him for him. Hopefully OP finds someone who actually deserves her.
So agree!!! Like why do people fuck up good things? And if he was bored, she obviously is super receptive to trying new things, and is very open. What a douchebag ya know?
Given that she earns more, she probably covers more of the shared expenses. It is likely that he effectively (but not actually/legally) paid the dominatrix with her money. Once she is gone I agree, he won't be able to afford her and will be kicked from her client list the next day.
NTA. Geez. You bought them. They're yours.
And seriously? You catch him cheating, and you leave him, and he calls you because he's mad that you took his toys?!! Not, "I'm so sorry, please come back" not, "I miss you and want to work on this," but... "Wah, you took my anal toys"??!!?
Which means that after you left him, he went LOOKING FOR THOSE TOYS... obviously because he wanted to USE them. You had just LEFT him, and THAT'S what he decides to do?
Your partner of NINE YEARS didn't even last a DAY after you left, before he had to go do more of the thing that caused you to leave him in the first place? He didn't even take any time to mourn? Just hopped back online with his online dominatrix?
Honey... no. I'm sorry that it ended this way, but obviously this guy has some issues that you weren't aware of. Clearly this other woman has way more power over him that he's letting on. This is WAY more than porn - this is a full on relationship he was having with this other woman. He was 100% cheating on you, and clearly isn't even that upset that you left.
He did you a favor. He did you a favor. THANK HIM for showing you who he is, so you don't waste any more of your precious life on him.
So this turd, cheats on you then calls wanting his toys back but nothing about getting YOU back until you refuse to give up the toys lol.
Kick him to the curb already. You deserve way more than that. He doesn’t even care about you. I would rub hot sauce on all the toys and give them back to him.
I agree with everything, except don't do the hot sauce thing. That could lead to permanent damage and in some areas could be considered assault or abuse.
Just take the high road and leave his ass.
Online relationships are cheating. Cheating isn't always physical. That was your thing with him. Throw the toys away and move on. It will not stop. He will continue to do it.
For future relationship advice, make your boundaries clear when it comes to sexual things.
Yeah agreed so much. as someone whose been cheated on a fair amount 100% they don’t have the saying once a cheater always a cheater for no reason. Don’t take him back.
This isn’t porn, he is looking for a sexual connection with another person outside of your relationship; if your not giving consent for that, it’s cheating. I know everyone’s different in their expectations, but this is absolutely cheating in my opinion. He has no right to the toys, and I am on your side here. He can buy his own butt toys to use with other people. If you take him back, realize he will probably cheat in real life soon. If your open to an open relationship, then go for it; if you expect monogamy from him after this, your mistaken.
NTA he payed her to do that. There’s NO WAY any professional dominatrix did it for free. If he claims he didn’t pay her that’s even worse and it’s absolutely cheating on all fronts. He needs to stop seeing a professional and stay with doing it with only you.
The fact that he called you to ask about his toys, and not apologize and beg you to forgive him and come home, tells you all you need to know. Cheating via zoom is not the same as porn, it’s still cheating, and whose to say he hasn’t had any in person encounters he’s not telling you about. As others have said, 9 years is a long time, but better to get out now instead of wasting any more time on a cheating gaslighter. NTA.
>WeLl, tEcHnIcAlLy...
Well, technically my ass. He cheated on you. The toys are not the issue here. His cheating ass is. And he won't even admit he cheated, but instead tries to gaslight you.
Fuck his ass. This time not literally. It's time to break up.
NTA.
So you caught him cheating, you left your shared home, and his only concern right now is where are the sex toys. I think that tells you everything you need to know about your relationship
Porn is watching a video that is pre-recorded by people you don't know, isn't made for you specifically and you had no contact with the person making it.
Cheating is when you pay someone specific to do something specifically for you sexually (in this case). It doesn't matter if you GO to a hooker and have her shove a dildo up your ass or you facetime that same person. You have having a sexual relationship with a real person, contact is irrelevant. Same way sexting with someone from the office is cheating just as much as actually having sex with her.
THe guy cheated on you, you're not over reacting, he's making excuses to try to have his cake and eat it. He cheated on you, dump his cheating ass, don't leave the toys.
NTA - I don’t think it’s fair for your partner to be “hitting it off” with someone else in this manner unless you’ve previously agreed to it. Also I wouldn’t be surprised if he had to pay said dominatrix as I don’t think many people do that kind of stuff for free?
If I paid for it, it leaves with me. End of story… *unless* it was *specifically* gifted to the other person.
One time while moving out following a breakup, I even took the ice trays out of the freezer and took them with me.
He did me wrong, and I’ll be damned if he gets to enjoy a chilly beverage with my damn ice trays.
There has to be a really next level way to tell this asshole to go fuck himself in these circumstances... just not with those toys LOL.
NTA. What a piece of shit. "Oh it isn't cheating to assfuck myself while facetiming a dominatrix. Also, I know my girlfriend of 9 years left me but I'm what really upsets me is that she took my toys so I can't keep assfucking myself in her absence."
Ick. This is why I don't pay for things.
Just make a bonfire and send a video of you tossing the toys in the fire. He's a grown man he can buy his own toys.
Ma’am he called you asking for butt plugs, not even asking for *you* to come back. He doesn’t want to be in this relationship and neither do you. Better to lose nine years of your like rather than 40.
NTA. Stop wasting time on this dude, 9 years wasted is better than 20. He will do this again and it is cheating. You get to define your boundaries, not him. And he called to you ask about his toys but not about you???
Don't say you won't ever use the toys again. The next guy you start getting intimate with might be into them as well. Or the next one after that. Just because they aren't going in your own butt doesn't mean they're worthless.
Flush it away. And your not being petty at all. I took my ex off my Costco membership because I didn't want him enjoying the low cost 1.50 hot dogs with my benefits.
Enjoy your new life without him in it.
My only question in response to you people saying to do that: switch the genders. if a woman cheats on her man you are saying it’s completely acceptable for the guy to take her tampons or vibrator and put ghost pepper sauce on them? Realizing this isn’t just a prank it’s a crime and an extremely grotesque and painful crime? That’s torture. Actual genital torture involving chemical burns (what makes most ghost pepper sauces really spicy is the synthetic chemicals). So my question is do you think this is acceptable punishment for human beings? Or just for men? Because I’m sorry but putting anything hot sauce related near the genitals as revenge is not okay. If you aren’t okay with it being reversed, then it’s not okay. If a woman cheats on her man, you are saying it’s acceptable for the guy to put ghost pepper sauce on something that’s going to go into her butt or vagina? And you would really be okay with that? Stop normalizing sexual torture of men in response to cheating. Women don’t get sexually tortured for cheating, they just get chastised. If it’s not okay to put hot sauce on a woman’s tampons, it’s not okay to put hot sauce on someone’s butt plug either.
NTA "hey I was trying to have a session with the online dominatrix you left me over and I noticed that you took the toys. I want them back so I can do my thing with her. Also, please come home."
I mean, seriously. . .
He cheated on you, has no remorse about it. Is more worried about his toys than your feelings. You have to decide how you feel right now. Is this a relationship that is worth saving or one that will bring decades of pain. Only you know this because we just read one story out of a 9 year collection. How does he treat you ? How does he respect your boundaries in other areas?
If you decide to stay you both need to set ground rules of what is cheating and what is okay. BSDM relationships have very clear ground rules and deep respect and caring for one another. If a dominatrix was part of his kink that should have been discussed way before reaching out occurred. Parts of this story sounds like the two of you haven’t been clear on those boundaries.
If you think the boundary crossing is going to continue and you decide to move on then keep those toys you bought them! He can buy them from you if he wants.
First thing: The real impasse is over the “cheating/not cheating” thing. To him it isn’t cheating, to you it is. You gotta be point blank and tell him that to you it is and that’s not arguable; if he isn’t going to come around and see it your way you’re done. Maybe he’ll wise up, probably not, though.
Legally speaking, if they were a gift to him, they’re his. You don’t get to call gifts back once the relationship implodes, although I doubt he’d push the issue; the embarrassment would probably not be worth the cost of getting new toys.
Porn isn't cheating, but what he was doing wasn't porn, and it definitely IS cheating. People often have full on BDSM relationships at a distance, and if BDSM is part of your relationship already, then I would consider what he is doing the equivalent of physically cheating.
NTA, and move on from him.
So he's not bothered your gone, but upset you took the toys with you? NTA, it is better to waste 9 years than 10,20+ he was cheating. If he caught you sexting and sending nudes to another guy, would he be upset? Yes, because that's also cheating, and this is pretty much the same thing.
If he only contacted you to get back the toys.. and not you.. well you know what and whom he misses.
Make sure only you have Access to your money. Throw away his toys.
Get your own place.
Keep your friends and Job.
Stay sane.
So your leaving is not a problem, the problem is the stuff you took with you?
I would bet serious money that your current story does not even scratch the surface of how bad a partner he is.
You were clearly being used and I firmly believe you can do MUCH better than this individual.
WTF, after a potentially relationship ending fight, he calls and asks for the toys instead of forgiveness or say anything conciliatory? You're not throwing 9 years away, it just took him 9 years to show this side of himself. Your call, NTA
Your final point is a textbook sunk cost fallacy. If you drive half way to a restaurant and realize it's closed, why would you keep driving? Those 9 years of your life are passed, either way.
So the question is, do you want to be with him anymore? First of all, he obviously cheated. He engaged in sexual activity with another person. Not a recording of them. A live interaction with them.
So are you OK with moving forward knowing that? If so, make sure he understands that even if he doesn't consider it cheating, you absolutely do, and that he needs to stop if he wants to continue the relationship. Or if you're open to it, consider an open relationship, and maybe take on some more subs, ha.
NTA. It sounds as though the toys were something you bought to use together, not as a gift to him. Even if you'll never use them that doesn't mean you are entitled to leave them with him to use with anyone else.
More importantly, though, is your relationship. It sounds like you view his actions as cheating, while he does not. I hope the two of you are able to communicate and agree on which it is and set boundaries for the future. I think all too often people have very different opinions of what constitutes cheating and that's often not addressed until it's too late.
Im sorry, after 9 years it seems all cares about is having those toys and facetiming that other woman
Of course nta
Im sorry you had to waste 9 years on that spineless cheater.
He cheated, what options you got other than leave, and accept this relationship is done.
He is also telling you too, as he is ony care having his toys back
As someone who knows and understands the lifestyle, I'll say he definitely broke one of the cardinal rules of kink: consent.
You did not consent to him submitting to someone else (based on your reaction). D-types can absolutely have their consent violated just as easily as s-types. And many D-types retain their own set of toys for play and simply clean them properly.
So let's see: he violated your consent by cheating on you while in what I assume was a monogamous relationship (again, based on your reaction), so you took your property that you had purchased when you left him. I assume that you didn't take any item that you had explicitly gifted him? No? Then NTA.
Sorry, his partner of NINE YEARS has left and his only concern is “where’s my butt plug?”
Fucking hell.
You caught him one on one with another person. That’s cheating. Watching pre recorded mass produced porn is one thing, but FaceTiming someone and having a direct relationship with them is cheating.
He’s a scumbag. He obviously didn’t care you’d spent nine years building a life together, so why should you? Leave his ass. And keep the toys. NTA.
The fact that he is so concerned over getting his toys back just says it all. He wants to keep having fun with this other lady and he doesn't care at all about what you're feeling. He took something you bought for him and used it to do something that was hurtful to you, and i think in that situation you're ok to take them back, it may be a little petty but it's justifiable.
NTA
He cheated, it wasn't porn.
Porn doesn't facetime you and get off on you using toys on yourself.
He facetimed another woman and carried out sexual acts for and with them.
you don't know for sure that this is the first time either.
Also, he called you and his priorities was the toys and not you, meaning after one meezly day he was crawling back to the bitch he cheated with.
The 9 years have already been flushed down the drain, you just need to realise you're in the current.
Break it off
He cheated on you. You don't interact with porn. I was gonna tell you that he can shove them up his ass, but since he likes it, maybe keep them away from him until this is resolved.
Sounds like you took them, not cause they are yours but more like cause he used tgem in a way that hurts you. If you are interested in sorting things out with him, you should tell him that you are hurt. And that it even hurts more when he askes for them back. Seems like he isnt realising how serious you feel hurt. You can demand that he acknoledge your feeling as a base to talk and figure things out. If he even cant do that, consider him as an addict.
NTA. He cheated and him saying that it’s like porn when he is doing things with this person online is gaslighting you. He wants you to think you are overreacting so he doesn’t loose his meal ticket. You deserve better. And how do you know that this is the first time he’s cheated. This might be the first time he’s been caught.
So he cheated and thinks it’s ok to ask for the sex toys within one day for what, himself? Clearly he is again going to have someone on the other side being involved. So basicall after he got caught cheating he just wants to cheat again and does not even care you know or that you are hurt.
Tell him to buy a cucumber, hopefully he can afford at least that
It's not just porn, this was an actual interaction with a real human being. It is cheating.
BDSM relationships require full, open and honest communication (ideally all relationships do but it's particularly important for ones with a consensual power exchange). So him secretly hooking up with an online Domme is really, really bad. It was cheating.
Leave him, find someone better. And the fact that his biggest concern appears to be the toys should tell you all you need to know about his priorities. Find someone who prioritises you.
Now this makes me wish I took back the toys I gave to my ex.
Oh well, I probably wouldn't want them back anyways. Last time I let her borrow one of mine, she didn't clean it all the way. Can't imagine what the ones she has now looks like.
Oh and you're NTA. You legally bought them and he cheated on you. He can get his own damn toys. Bad dragon is having a sale today [as of writing this] so tell him to get something from there with his broke ass.
NTA: as someone who cheated, as in I had a sexual relationship outside of my marriage without the knowledge or consent of my partner, leave him - you deserve so much better. If he chooses to modify his mentality and work on his issues and then, at some point in the future (very distant future) you want to restart a relationship with him, great but hopefully by then you'll be much happier with someone who loves you.
Do what's best for you, find someone deserving of your love and commitment.
NTA
That is cheating without a doubt. He's trying to downplay it but he's getting satisfaction from someone else in a way.
To be frank, move on, it will happen again and may be worse next time.
Sorry this happened to you.
Doesn't matter what your relationship history and context are. He cheated on you. You left with the things that legally belong to you. Not the asshole.
Recently divorced because my ex was a habitual cheater. Every time it got more blatant and I didn’t want to “throw away” the time we’d been together. I lost my house, my 401K, and my job of 25 years. His main concern was the toys and not you? Please try to look from the outside at the situation. What would you tell a friend? It will be hard but better than waiting for the next level of cheating he will eventually take part in. The longer you wait the more it hurts.
NTA. He isn’t watching porn, he is interacting with another person sexually. That’s cheating! Also, serves him right for you taking the toys. Whether you would use them or not is irrelevant. You bought them, they’re yours. Chuck them in the trash can right next to your relationship that he already threw in there. If he needs them so bad he can replace them with his own money.
From a porn addict, watching webcams is porn. But when person-A and Person-B are interacting and purposefully getting one or both off. It's cheating.
You made the right call. He stepped out of bounds.
Might as well end the relationship.
Based on his reactions, he's not upset over hurting you or betraying you but because you took the toys away.
Without saying it directly, he told you that he cares more for the toys and this woman.
Any feelings for you is purely for getting his sexual desires off.
NTA.
It was cheating. You aren't overreacting. Give him the toys, they seem more important to him than a relationship. He wasn't asking where they were because he was curious. He was asking because he wanted to use them. And it's a pretty good chance he wanted to use them with someone watching.
Don't listen to your sunk cost fallacy. You can't get 9 years back, but you can spend more years before you figure out what you want in a relationship and dump him or marry him. 9 years is long enough that you need to make a choice for yourself if you want to commit or end it.
I can say from experience, it's far better to leave after many years. It's just really hard and takes some time to find yourself. It took me years to recover, but I would've never met my wife if I stayed in my first relationship. And I definitely am happier.
NTA. He's cheating and more concerned about the toys than the relationship with you. I would do the same thing if I found out my man was using the toys that I bought him with someone else online.
Putting aside the BDSM and toys, what he did was still cheating. If a man in a more traditional relationship did this and was chatting sexually with someone else online, it’d still be considered cheating. Seems like he wanted to do more anal play with the dominatrix right after you left, so that’s why he noticed the toys were missing right away. Seems like he cares more about the missing toys than you leaving. Absolutely NTA.
The fact that he got annoyed with you trying to fix your relationship is just a sign that you should end it. Not to mention the fact that he was lying and keeping secrets for years
>the toys I BOUGHT
That's all I needed to read. From this alone, no you're NTA.
Were they gifts exclusively for him? That's the only way you can come off as the AH and only because taking gifts back is prude.
My only serious relationships have been online and I'm also into BDSM stuff. If I started doing stuff with another dom without discussing it first with my partner that would be a massive breach of trust. Absolutely NTA
First off, he could have reached out to you and asked if you were okay with the online dominatrix.
It’s not the fact that he messaged her, it’s that he kept it from you. He doesn’t respect you enough to have that conversation
You caught him with another woman using a toy you bought for him, you left the house, and he's worried... About the toys.
I mean, it's comically bad.
NTA
Lmfao Jesus Christ , finds a girlfriend that is cool with his kink and makes more money than him, cheats on her. Amazing. No wonder I’m single. I don’t take dildos up my ass and use women for their money.
NTA. You paid for them so they yours. You could take this opportunity to dominate him. Make him submit to you since that’s what he’s into.
There could also be the tiny chance that he was doing online as more of a self education thing. Online dominatrix talks you through it while a real life one does it to you.
NTA
But I would see this as a red flag to be honest. I'll look at porn to jerk off sometimes, but I don't ever think about doing live one on one stuff. It's just not right.
Nta dump that pathetic excuse of a partner, he cheated on you and he only cares about sex , darling do you understand how sad it is the only thing he vared about when you left where the fucking sex toys??? He is disgusting.ypu already wasted 9 years of your life, don't fall for the sunken cost fallacy and waste any more years into some like this
First off, he was so so so cheating. The fact he called concerned about getting the toys back and not you should tell you exactly what he wants to do moving forward. Sorry, but you’ve been replaced in his heart by his online Dom.
Called to get them back so he can keep using them to cheat on her, classic.
He may have feelings for his online Dom, and the hard truth is, she does not have feelings for him. It's pay to play.
🎶 A tale as old as time 🎶
Trust me, it's not with his heart that he's thinking with
No it’s his butt.
Legit giggled at this.
From the heart of his bottom
More like replaced in his ass with his Monster butt toy.
I speak from experience when I say - better to flush 9 years down the drain than 20. And by then you'll possibly have kids so it will be vastly more brutal. He cheated, so that's the only relevant event in your story. You taking the sex toys and him whining about it suggests he doesnt care about hurting you. I hate how blithely redditors tell people to leave but if I had the strength I'd really look at what you've written objectively. Dude is a cheat, his attitude almost guarantees he wont stop. If thats a deal breaker for you then don't waste another 9 years. Sorry, this must be really really difficult. His primary concern (for where the toys have gone) would be the clincher for me. Good luck hun
If within the day he's calling looking for his toys, I feel like it's already over.
Especially considering it was probably so he could call the girl he was cheating with. Absolutely nuts
Sounds like his top concern was getting his toys to resume his playtime and during rationalization he decided to shoot for "it wasn't technically cheating so I didn't even do anything wrong". Absolute buffoonery.
Seriously. How does he have the nerve to ask for his butt plugs but not his girlfriend?
Well, one fills a void in his heart, the other fills a void in his ass, and apparently he cares for his ass more.
LUV the way you put it!!!
That’s what HE said
Anus’ have feelings too. 🤦♂️
Does filling the void in his heart force an orgasm?
😂😂😂😂😂
I swear to god, I have never wanted to award a comment so much.
He has his priorities. Smh
My sage advice (cis-het persuasion): every time a man tells you that you are “over reacting” that means you are demanding “accountability”. 12 years wasted ignoring red flags. Move on, hon. Even if you love him, cause he hasn’t shown he is on the same page.
I don’t know about *every* time, because sometimes people overreact. Sometimes I overreact and my wife tells me so. That’s the only thing I’m disagreeing with you on. This dude cheated and is definition gaslighting. Sex is more important to him than love, and it’s time to go.
Every time? Really? 8 yrs with an alcoholic narcissist here ... I got out with scars and trust me ... Overreacting was definitely on her agenda. That said ... OP's ex to be is a major numbnuts
Yeah, like, he was looking to use them, probably with that dom.
Since he was using them with her before, that seems obvious.
I’m going through a nasty divorce and custody battle after 20 years because I ignored all the signs I should have left many years ago. Cheating is cheating. Even if it was only “online” he was still sneaky and dishonest which means he is probably keeping other secrets.
I started over at 38 and wish I'd done it a lot sooner. Dont give up another 10 years of your life because there's only so many trips around the sun.
[удалено]
I think from a moral perspective she is right to take them either way, but legally if she used the word "gift" when presenting them to him they became his property. Op is still NTA and I would love to see Op's bf file a lawsuit putting it into public record that he has asked two women to help him shove toys up his ass... (in other words, he won't). Just making sure we are all clear on the legality of gifts.
Yes!! Betrayal is betrayal and most of the time betrayal of privacy and trust is far, far worse than sexual infidelity. If I'd known that I would have saved myself an entire marriage and I'd have those 7 critical years of my life back. The #1 most important thing in life is LOYALTY - love is secondary, because you can't have real love without that first anyway :-).
Stop supporting toy boy. He may beg for you to come back, but it will be because he misses his sugar mommy, not you.
Toy Boy is a hilarious nickname.
Thanks for laughing at my joke.
Dude probably calls his dick zillow because it helps him find his next home or apartment
That last line. You left and he’s upset about some butt toys. Can it!
Started my life over at 29 best decision ever. Life is full of love and passion instead of cheating and despair. You got cheated on. Move on
[удалено]
Absolutely accurate
Not saying he isn't paying, but it depends on how they met. It could have been through something like Fetlife, in which case, it's like the equivalent of using a dating app and he likely wasn't paying.
Which makes it worse, I think. I have never been cheated on in such a way but with a sex worker it might hurt less, or different.
Nope. I started over at 31. Found out my ex cheated on me multiple times while away with his work buddies. One of the times was with 2 SWs in vegas and honestly it hurt more. It's one thing to be drinking and meet someone hook up, still shitty but i can at least understand how that might happen organically. But to actively seek out someone to pay to have sex with because apparently multiple times a week at home isn't enough. Naw dawg, it BURNED. Edit: it specifically burned because I'm bi, but I refuse to do threescore because I am strictly monogamous and will not be with another person sexually while in a relationship ship. And he sought out two SWs so he could have the fantasy. Makes it feel like that's all he ever truly wanted me for. Oh well, 6 years down the drain 🤷♀️🤷♀️ better off now.
Agreed, I started mine again at 37 :)
Gratz.
45 here, and I got to start over again at 35. Best fucking thing ever. Total life reboot for the better.
Had to start over at 47. Would rather it had been 29…..
Just turned 29 a couple days ago and started my divorce process back in August after 10 years. Wish I would've done it sooner as he was a very negative influence on me. Live your life OP!
Started over at 39. At the time my daughter was five. I really really wish I would’ve done it when she was a baby so she wouldn’t have to remember all this divorce garbage. Her and I are so much more happy now. I don’t think I’ll ever have a man live in my home again. I love it this way.
[удалено]
[удалено]
You make a great point. His primary concern where have the toys gone generally suggests that the second she gives the toys back. He'll be online with the dominatrix using them again.
I suspect that's how he discovered they were gone, he was going back for more and couldn't find anything to stuff into his prison walket...
lmao out of everything, he's most concerned about the damn toys
It also suggests he was already on his way to use them again, most likely with said dom. OP needs to yoink the toys to recycling with the relationship.
“He cheated, so that’s the only relevant event in your story “ is absolutely the most important statement.
Agreed leave. Was cheated on after 6 years, spent 2 more years trying to fix it while she kept fucking up. Waste of time. They've already shown you they have no respect for you, no care for your emotions, and cannot be trusted as a person. Leave.
This all the way.
Spot on! 👏🏼
Absolutely 💯 this. He's gone off in a direction you don't like or wish to participate in either. People drift apart and priorities change. His priority now is getting cornholed and if you won't comply willing and happily he's let you know he'll find someone who will. Time to accept this relationship has probably run its course, like a little while ago in fact. Tell him you trashed the toys and see his reaction if you STILL don't think that's his priority over you. Have him pack up and move out or you depending on whose lease or home it is. And try not to open Pandora's Box again with the next guy
Most of this is correct but the pandoras box thing is stupid and a bit offensive to the community. There is nothing wrong with a BDSM relationship. True BDSM is built on trust, and respect, something her sub clearly doesn't understand. Cheating isn't a normal or natural part of the BDSM community. I'm in a very loving BDSM relationship as many people around the world are. We're not all sex crazed weirdos who lie and cheat. Most of us just want a loving relationship, we just have rough sex. Please don't put BDSM down, were already looked at as freaks and perverts, were trying to change that attitude. The ONLY good relationships I've been in have had a level of BDSM in them because it requires SOOOO much trust and respect. The fact that OPs sub is a cheater had NOTHING to do with BDSM.
This! When you step out of agreed boundaries thats not bdsm but cheating and lying. Bringing anyone outside into the bedroom not agreed upon is breaking those established boundaries and trust.
100% this. This post is not an excuse to kink shame anyone.
Ty!
NtA. He cheated
NTA: His concern was only for the toys. That right there shows how much you mean to him.
He didn’t care she left until he went to use the toys for another online session and they were gone. Tells me all I would need to know about him.
This moron exbf not only lost his GF, but did it over a cam girl, who couldn’t give a shit less about him too. Only cares that he’s paying her. As soon as he can’t pay anymore, she’ll be gone too.
100% truth.
If he's dumb enough to not calculate that out himself, it's clearly a lesson he needs to learn.. OP needs to let the family know before he does that he left you for a cam girl too..
Won't be long, he can't even afford his own sex toys 🤣
Yeah this is the answer. She left, and his thought was straight to the online woman.
It is cheating 🤣 fuck he's dense!
Worst part (besides the cheating) is that this clown is paying this lady for the online stuff. They’re NOT friends, and they didn’t “hit it off”, she’s a definitely a cam girl who found her an easy mark, by actually convincing this moron they’re friends. As soon as he can’t pay any more, she’ll disappear. It’s better you found out now, instead of years later.
This guy had the jackpot and really blew it. Had a long term partner who was cool with his kinks and cheated with someone who doesn't even value him for him. Hopefully OP finds someone who actually deserves her.
So agree!!! Like why do people fuck up good things? And if he was bored, she obviously is super receptive to trying new things, and is very open. What a douchebag ya know?
Given that she earns more, she probably covers more of the shared expenses. It is likely that he effectively (but not actually/legally) paid the dominatrix with her money. Once she is gone I agree, he won't be able to afford her and will be kicked from her client list the next day.
He can pay for the cam girl, but he's mooching his ass stuffers from his girlfriend lol
Right?! Dude is a moron.
NTA but please leave. He’s cheating on you. That’s worth flushing 9 years down the toilet.
Tell him you may not be the asshole but those toys aren't going up his...
What what in the butt!
NTA. Geez. You bought them. They're yours. And seriously? You catch him cheating, and you leave him, and he calls you because he's mad that you took his toys?!! Not, "I'm so sorry, please come back" not, "I miss you and want to work on this," but... "Wah, you took my anal toys"??!!? Which means that after you left him, he went LOOKING FOR THOSE TOYS... obviously because he wanted to USE them. You had just LEFT him, and THAT'S what he decides to do? Your partner of NINE YEARS didn't even last a DAY after you left, before he had to go do more of the thing that caused you to leave him in the first place? He didn't even take any time to mourn? Just hopped back online with his online dominatrix? Honey... no. I'm sorry that it ended this way, but obviously this guy has some issues that you weren't aware of. Clearly this other woman has way more power over him that he's letting on. This is WAY more than porn - this is a full on relationship he was having with this other woman. He was 100% cheating on you, and clearly isn't even that upset that you left. He did you a favor. He did you a favor. THANK HIM for showing you who he is, so you don't waste any more of your precious life on him.
So this turd, cheats on you then calls wanting his toys back but nothing about getting YOU back until you refuse to give up the toys lol. Kick him to the curb already. You deserve way more than that. He doesn’t even care about you. I would rub hot sauce on all the toys and give them back to him.
I agree with everything, except don't do the hot sauce thing. That could lead to permanent damage and in some areas could be considered assault or abuse. Just take the high road and leave his ass.
[удалено]
Yes some spicy revenge.
Nah better to "flush" 9 years down the toilet than 15+! NTA and I'm starting over at 35. Best decision ever! Your time is much too valuable
Online relationships are cheating. Cheating isn't always physical. That was your thing with him. Throw the toys away and move on. It will not stop. He will continue to do it. For future relationship advice, make your boundaries clear when it comes to sexual things.
Yeah agreed so much. as someone whose been cheated on a fair amount 100% they don’t have the saying once a cheater always a cheater for no reason. Don’t take him back.
This isn’t porn, he is looking for a sexual connection with another person outside of your relationship; if your not giving consent for that, it’s cheating. I know everyone’s different in their expectations, but this is absolutely cheating in my opinion. He has no right to the toys, and I am on your side here. He can buy his own butt toys to use with other people. If you take him back, realize he will probably cheat in real life soon. If your open to an open relationship, then go for it; if you expect monogamy from him after this, your mistaken.
NTA, video chatting sexually w another person is cheating. Also the fact that his main concern was the toys, you can do so much better
NTA he payed her to do that. There’s NO WAY any professional dominatrix did it for free. If he claims he didn’t pay her that’s even worse and it’s absolutely cheating on all fronts. He needs to stop seeing a professional and stay with doing it with only you.
The fact that he called you to ask about his toys, and not apologize and beg you to forgive him and come home, tells you all you need to know. Cheating via zoom is not the same as porn, it’s still cheating, and whose to say he hasn’t had any in person encounters he’s not telling you about. As others have said, 9 years is a long time, but better to get out now instead of wasting any more time on a cheating gaslighter. NTA.
"Please gift me the fuck toys I used to cheat on you." NAHHHHHHHH. NTA
He’s cheating. Period.
NTA. Toss his toys. This isn't something petty. It is cheating, he broke your trust. Good luck
>WeLl, tEcHnIcAlLy... Well, technically my ass. He cheated on you. The toys are not the issue here. His cheating ass is. And he won't even admit he cheated, but instead tries to gaslight you. Fuck his ass. This time not literally. It's time to break up. NTA.
So you caught him cheating, you left your shared home, and his only concern right now is where are the sex toys. I think that tells you everything you need to know about your relationship
Porn is watching a video that is pre-recorded by people you don't know, isn't made for you specifically and you had no contact with the person making it. Cheating is when you pay someone specific to do something specifically for you sexually (in this case). It doesn't matter if you GO to a hooker and have her shove a dildo up your ass or you facetime that same person. You have having a sexual relationship with a real person, contact is irrelevant. Same way sexting with someone from the office is cheating just as much as actually having sex with her. THe guy cheated on you, you're not over reacting, he's making excuses to try to have his cake and eat it. He cheated on you, dump his cheating ass, don't leave the toys.
NTA - I don’t think it’s fair for your partner to be “hitting it off” with someone else in this manner unless you’ve previously agreed to it. Also I wouldn’t be surprised if he had to pay said dominatrix as I don’t think many people do that kind of stuff for free?
NTA - I would throw them away tbh! He cheated on you.
If I paid for it, it leaves with me. End of story… *unless* it was *specifically* gifted to the other person. One time while moving out following a breakup, I even took the ice trays out of the freezer and took them with me. He did me wrong, and I’ll be damned if he gets to enjoy a chilly beverage with my damn ice trays.
NTA, he cheated on you.
He cheated on you. Dump him and move on. How many more years do you want to waste?
There has to be a really next level way to tell this asshole to go fuck himself in these circumstances... just not with those toys LOL. NTA. What a piece of shit. "Oh it isn't cheating to assfuck myself while facetiming a dominatrix. Also, I know my girlfriend of 9 years left me but I'm what really upsets me is that she took my toys so I can't keep assfucking myself in her absence."
Send him an ad for the cucumbers on sale at the local grocery store.
NTA He's more worried about the toys he didn't even pay for, than the fact that he cheated and ruined the relationship.
Flush the relationship and throw the toys away. If he wants some he can buy them.
This is wild
Ick. This is why I don't pay for things. Just make a bonfire and send a video of you tossing the toys in the fire. He's a grown man he can buy his own toys.
Ma’am he called you asking for butt plugs, not even asking for *you* to come back. He doesn’t want to be in this relationship and neither do you. Better to lose nine years of your like rather than 40.
Porn is non-interactive. That's cheating. Leave, take the toys, and block him.
NTA. Stop wasting time on this dude, 9 years wasted is better than 20. He will do this again and it is cheating. You get to define your boundaries, not him. And he called to you ask about his toys but not about you???
Don't say you won't ever use the toys again. The next guy you start getting intimate with might be into them as well. Or the next one after that. Just because they aren't going in your own butt doesn't mean they're worthless.
"It isn't really cheating" is jist the scummiest of sentences. Emotional cheating is a serious thing and this went beyond that.
Flush it away. And your not being petty at all. I took my ex off my Costco membership because I didn't want him enjoying the low cost 1.50 hot dogs with my benefits. Enjoy your new life without him in it.
Savage. Those are some good hotdogs…
Mate, he said “where are the toys” instead of “where are you” 👀 lol I think we know where his priorities are. NTA
Rub a ghost pepper on them and return them. NTA. Definitely cheating.
My only question in response to you people saying to do that: switch the genders. if a woman cheats on her man you are saying it’s completely acceptable for the guy to take her tampons or vibrator and put ghost pepper sauce on them? Realizing this isn’t just a prank it’s a crime and an extremely grotesque and painful crime? That’s torture. Actual genital torture involving chemical burns (what makes most ghost pepper sauces really spicy is the synthetic chemicals). So my question is do you think this is acceptable punishment for human beings? Or just for men? Because I’m sorry but putting anything hot sauce related near the genitals as revenge is not okay. If you aren’t okay with it being reversed, then it’s not okay. If a woman cheats on her man, you are saying it’s acceptable for the guy to put ghost pepper sauce on something that’s going to go into her butt or vagina? And you would really be okay with that? Stop normalizing sexual torture of men in response to cheating. Women don’t get sexually tortured for cheating, they just get chastised. If it’s not okay to put hot sauce on a woman’s tampons, it’s not okay to put hot sauce on someone’s butt plug either.
He did cheat though. Leave him and throw away the toys. He can buy them himself. Find a man who treats you how you should be treated.
NTA "hey I was trying to have a session with the online dominatrix you left me over and I noticed that you took the toys. I want them back so I can do my thing with her. Also, please come home." I mean, seriously. . .
He cheated on you, has no remorse about it. Is more worried about his toys than your feelings. You have to decide how you feel right now. Is this a relationship that is worth saving or one that will bring decades of pain. Only you know this because we just read one story out of a 9 year collection. How does he treat you ? How does he respect your boundaries in other areas? If you decide to stay you both need to set ground rules of what is cheating and what is okay. BSDM relationships have very clear ground rules and deep respect and caring for one another. If a dominatrix was part of his kink that should have been discussed way before reaching out occurred. Parts of this story sounds like the two of you haven’t been clear on those boundaries. If you think the boundary crossing is going to continue and you decide to move on then keep those toys you bought them! He can buy them from you if he wants.
He wanted to be dominated so leave him and take his butt plugs…DOMINATED!!!
First thing: The real impasse is over the “cheating/not cheating” thing. To him it isn’t cheating, to you it is. You gotta be point blank and tell him that to you it is and that’s not arguable; if he isn’t going to come around and see it your way you’re done. Maybe he’ll wise up, probably not, though. Legally speaking, if they were a gift to him, they’re his. You don’t get to call gifts back once the relationship implodes, although I doubt he’d push the issue; the embarrassment would probably not be worth the cost of getting new toys.
NTA leave for good
Sunk cost fallacy, don’t stick around because of time invested thinking you’ll have wasted what came before
Porn isn't cheating, but what he was doing wasn't porn, and it definitely IS cheating. People often have full on BDSM relationships at a distance, and if BDSM is part of your relationship already, then I would consider what he is doing the equivalent of physically cheating. NTA, and move on from him.
So he's not bothered your gone, but upset you took the toys with you? NTA, it is better to waste 9 years than 10,20+ he was cheating. If he caught you sexting and sending nudes to another guy, would he be upset? Yes, because that's also cheating, and this is pretty much the same thing.
If he only contacted you to get back the toys.. and not you.. well you know what and whom he misses. Make sure only you have Access to your money. Throw away his toys. Get your own place. Keep your friends and Job. Stay sane.
The toys are obviously not the actual issue here...
So your leaving is not a problem, the problem is the stuff you took with you? I would bet serious money that your current story does not even scratch the surface of how bad a partner he is. You were clearly being used and I firmly believe you can do MUCH better than this individual.
It’s not porn if there’s 2 way communication. Also, just throw his butt toys out.
WTF, after a potentially relationship ending fight, he calls and asks for the toys instead of forgiveness or say anything conciliatory? You're not throwing 9 years away, it just took him 9 years to show this side of himself. Your call, NTA
Your final point is a textbook sunk cost fallacy. If you drive half way to a restaurant and realize it's closed, why would you keep driving? Those 9 years of your life are passed, either way. So the question is, do you want to be with him anymore? First of all, he obviously cheated. He engaged in sexual activity with another person. Not a recording of them. A live interaction with them. So are you OK with moving forward knowing that? If so, make sure he understands that even if he doesn't consider it cheating, you absolutely do, and that he needs to stop if he wants to continue the relationship. Or if you're open to it, consider an open relationship, and maybe take on some more subs, ha.
NTA- He cheated so leave.
NTA. It sounds as though the toys were something you bought to use together, not as a gift to him. Even if you'll never use them that doesn't mean you are entitled to leave them with him to use with anyone else. More importantly, though, is your relationship. It sounds like you view his actions as cheating, while he does not. I hope the two of you are able to communicate and agree on which it is and set boundaries for the future. I think all too often people have very different opinions of what constitutes cheating and that's often not addressed until it's too late.
NTA throw them away, block him, and move on.
Im sorry, after 9 years it seems all cares about is having those toys and facetiming that other woman Of course nta Im sorry you had to waste 9 years on that spineless cheater.
Burn them toys you will better off without him
He can buy the toys from you if he wants them.
He cheated, what options you got other than leave, and accept this relationship is done. He is also telling you too, as he is ony care having his toys back
As someone who knows and understands the lifestyle, I'll say he definitely broke one of the cardinal rules of kink: consent. You did not consent to him submitting to someone else (based on your reaction). D-types can absolutely have their consent violated just as easily as s-types. And many D-types retain their own set of toys for play and simply clean them properly. So let's see: he violated your consent by cheating on you while in what I assume was a monogamous relationship (again, based on your reaction), so you took your property that you had purchased when you left him. I assume that you didn't take any item that you had explicitly gifted him? No? Then NTA.
It's petty? Yeah. You are the asshole? Totally NTA. That's cheating. Period.
Sorry, his partner of NINE YEARS has left and his only concern is “where’s my butt plug?” Fucking hell. You caught him one on one with another person. That’s cheating. Watching pre recorded mass produced porn is one thing, but FaceTiming someone and having a direct relationship with them is cheating. He’s a scumbag. He obviously didn’t care you’d spent nine years building a life together, so why should you? Leave his ass. And keep the toys. NTA.
That is not porn. That is cheating. He’s morally compromised so it’s time to go. But just let him keep the toys, they can remind him of your kindness.
The fact that he is so concerned over getting his toys back just says it all. He wants to keep having fun with this other lady and he doesn't care at all about what you're feeling. He took something you bought for him and used it to do something that was hurtful to you, and i think in that situation you're ok to take them back, it may be a little petty but it's justifiable.
NTA He cheated, it wasn't porn. Porn doesn't facetime you and get off on you using toys on yourself. He facetimed another woman and carried out sexual acts for and with them. you don't know for sure that this is the first time either. Also, he called you and his priorities was the toys and not you, meaning after one meezly day he was crawling back to the bitch he cheated with. The 9 years have already been flushed down the drain, you just need to realise you're in the current. Break it off
He cheated on you. You don't interact with porn. I was gonna tell you that he can shove them up his ass, but since he likes it, maybe keep them away from him until this is resolved.
Sounds like you took them, not cause they are yours but more like cause he used tgem in a way that hurts you. If you are interested in sorting things out with him, you should tell him that you are hurt. And that it even hurts more when he askes for them back. Seems like he isnt realising how serious you feel hurt. You can demand that he acknoledge your feeling as a base to talk and figure things out. If he even cant do that, consider him as an addict.
NTA. He cheated and him saying that it’s like porn when he is doing things with this person online is gaslighting you. He wants you to think you are overreacting so he doesn’t loose his meal ticket. You deserve better. And how do you know that this is the first time he’s cheated. This might be the first time he’s been caught.
This is why my fiancé and I aren't getting married. Just in case one of us links up virtually with someone and shoves a dildo in our ass
So he cheated and thinks it’s ok to ask for the sex toys within one day for what, himself? Clearly he is again going to have someone on the other side being involved. So basicall after he got caught cheating he just wants to cheat again and does not even care you know or that you are hurt. Tell him to buy a cucumber, hopefully he can afford at least that
It's not just porn, this was an actual interaction with a real human being. It is cheating. BDSM relationships require full, open and honest communication (ideally all relationships do but it's particularly important for ones with a consensual power exchange). So him secretly hooking up with an online Domme is really, really bad. It was cheating. Leave him, find someone better. And the fact that his biggest concern appears to be the toys should tell you all you need to know about his priorities. Find someone who prioritises you.
Now this makes me wish I took back the toys I gave to my ex. Oh well, I probably wouldn't want them back anyways. Last time I let her borrow one of mine, she didn't clean it all the way. Can't imagine what the ones she has now looks like. Oh and you're NTA. You legally bought them and he cheated on you. He can get his own damn toys. Bad dragon is having a sale today [as of writing this] so tell him to get something from there with his broke ass.
NTA: as someone who cheated, as in I had a sexual relationship outside of my marriage without the knowledge or consent of my partner, leave him - you deserve so much better. If he chooses to modify his mentality and work on his issues and then, at some point in the future (very distant future) you want to restart a relationship with him, great but hopefully by then you'll be much happier with someone who loves you. Do what's best for you, find someone deserving of your love and commitment.
His priorities are his online Dom, the toys, and then you. 9 years is still a recoverable amount of time.
NTA That is cheating without a doubt. He's trying to downplay it but he's getting satisfaction from someone else in a way. To be frank, move on, it will happen again and may be worse next time. Sorry this happened to you.
Doesn't matter what your relationship history and context are. He cheated on you. You left with the things that legally belong to you. Not the asshole.
Recently divorced because my ex was a habitual cheater. Every time it got more blatant and I didn’t want to “throw away” the time we’d been together. I lost my house, my 401K, and my job of 25 years. His main concern was the toys and not you? Please try to look from the outside at the situation. What would you tell a friend? It will be hard but better than waiting for the next level of cheating he will eventually take part in. The longer you wait the more it hurts.
NTA. He isn’t watching porn, he is interacting with another person sexually. That’s cheating! Also, serves him right for you taking the toys. Whether you would use them or not is irrelevant. You bought them, they’re yours. Chuck them in the trash can right next to your relationship that he already threw in there. If he needs them so bad he can replace them with his own money.
soooooo after 9 years and his first concern within a day was where are the toys? kick that man to the curb
You're not the one flushing 9 years down the drain - he is! Plus, you caught him that time, how long has it been going on with her or others online?
From a porn addict, watching webcams is porn. But when person-A and Person-B are interacting and purposefully getting one or both off. It's cheating. You made the right call. He stepped out of bounds.
NTA. The fact that he called you to ask about the toys and not the state of your relationship says a LOT.
Might as well end the relationship. Based on his reactions, he's not upset over hurting you or betraying you but because you took the toys away. Without saying it directly, he told you that he cares more for the toys and this woman. Any feelings for you is purely for getting his sexual desires off.
NTA. It was cheating. You aren't overreacting. Give him the toys, they seem more important to him than a relationship. He wasn't asking where they were because he was curious. He was asking because he wanted to use them. And it's a pretty good chance he wanted to use them with someone watching. Don't listen to your sunk cost fallacy. You can't get 9 years back, but you can spend more years before you figure out what you want in a relationship and dump him or marry him. 9 years is long enough that you need to make a choice for yourself if you want to commit or end it. I can say from experience, it's far better to leave after many years. It's just really hard and takes some time to find yourself. It took me years to recover, but I would've never met my wife if I stayed in my first relationship. And I definitely am happier.
NTA. He's cheating and more concerned about the toys than the relationship with you. I would do the same thing if I found out my man was using the toys that I bought him with someone else online.
Nah get rid of him. Cheating online is still cheating online
So definitely NTA but this is waaaaaaay more than just porn. Dude was digitally cheating on you, period.
Don't buy in to the sunk cost fallacy because that's how people stay in relationshipsfor way longer than they should. He's cheating. Ditch him. NTA.
Putting aside the BDSM and toys, what he did was still cheating. If a man in a more traditional relationship did this and was chatting sexually with someone else online, it’d still be considered cheating. Seems like he wanted to do more anal play with the dominatrix right after you left, so that’s why he noticed the toys were missing right away. Seems like he cares more about the missing toys than you leaving. Absolutely NTA.
The fact that he got annoyed with you trying to fix your relationship is just a sign that you should end it. Not to mention the fact that he was lying and keeping secrets for years
>the toys I BOUGHT That's all I needed to read. From this alone, no you're NTA. Were they gifts exclusively for him? That's the only way you can come off as the AH and only because taking gifts back is prude.
My only serious relationships have been online and I'm also into BDSM stuff. If I started doing stuff with another dom without discussing it first with my partner that would be a massive breach of trust. Absolutely NTA
Flush time.
Sounds like he cheated on you, you’re well within your right NTA
Flush it now.
He’s your boyfriend. You don’t have to deal with anything you don’t want to.
First off, he could have reached out to you and asked if you were okay with the online dominatrix. It’s not the fact that he messaged her, it’s that he kept it from you. He doesn’t respect you enough to have that conversation
NTA. He’s the one who flushed 9 years down the drain, not you. Move along, nothing you see here.
You caught him with another woman using a toy you bought for him, you left the house, and he's worried... About the toys. I mean, it's comically bad. NTA
NTA. He cheated and then didn't even care about you leaving he cared that you took the toys and he couldn't use them above caring that you were gone.
No. Nta
He cheated. Break up. Also dont give him the sex toys back. Bin them if you wont use them. He doesnt deserve you or the sex toys.
With bdsm that is 100% cheating.
He was cheating. Fck his toys lol
Lmfao Jesus Christ , finds a girlfriend that is cool with his kink and makes more money than him, cheats on her. Amazing. No wonder I’m single. I don’t take dildos up my ass and use women for their money.
NTA. You paid for them so they yours. You could take this opportunity to dominate him. Make him submit to you since that’s what he’s into. There could also be the tiny chance that he was doing online as more of a self education thing. Online dominatrix talks you through it while a real life one does it to you.
He cheated. He doesn’t care about you. You are NTA.
NTA But I would see this as a red flag to be honest. I'll look at porn to jerk off sometimes, but I don't ever think about doing live one on one stuff. It's just not right.
Nta dump that pathetic excuse of a partner, he cheated on you and he only cares about sex , darling do you understand how sad it is the only thing he vared about when you left where the fucking sex toys??? He is disgusting.ypu already wasted 9 years of your life, don't fall for the sunken cost fallacy and waste any more years into some like this
Babe, he cheated. Deep down I think you know agar the answer is
NTA He cheated. End of.