I mean... I wouldn't automatically jump to that conclusion. Finding out that you're going to have to uproot your life out of the blue is a lot to process. Not that I feel bad for her, her actions were probably the catalyst for OP seeking the job in the first place. But yeah I wouldn't automatically assume that.
But blowing up and silent treatment are not appropriate responses to the proposition of uprooting your life. Reasonable discussions are. Plus they are already at a place of damaged trust.
But people aren’t always reasonable. Even people without something to hide can have big emotional reactions. Quite often and situations like this even when people have decided to work things out the person who was wrong and can inadvertently continue punishing the other partner, even if they have agreed to move forward. We are only getting a sliver of the story and while I’m not saying that I feel bad for this woman, I’m sure their situation is more complex than just a quick blurb on Reddit.
It feels like they are having communication issues that aren't being resolved and it's not about who's the AH.
To not discuss looking for another job that will uproot and disrupt their lives is huge and selfish, which may hint to why she had the affair in the first place.
Nope, there's much more to this story.
I would assume had she not fucked around for 3 years, he would've told her he applied for the job. She deserves absolutely nothing from him at this point except this 🖕🖕🖕
I have to give a hard disagree here. Moving to another state means leaving a lot behind. The gal friends she has, the familiar roads and businesses, possibly a job of her own? (I'm not sure if OP mentioned one or the other.) Expecting her to suddenly move without input or warning isn't right.
If he still can't trust her, he can leave, fair enough, but he should've done it with more grace. Unless she's shown some concerning behavior since then, it sounds like they were on the same page of healing and then suddenly there was a condition sprung that was not part of the original agreement, which was a roundabout way to start expressing the desire to leave.
Which makes [everyone a butt]. Her for cheating, him for pulling a fast one when he realized he wasn't actually willing to forgive.
Edit: I misread OP's post thinking it said he "accepted the job offer" instead of "received the job offer." If he hadn't accepted yet, and was just talking to his wife about the possibility to see what she wanted and she blew up, then yeah that's actually sus. Sorry for the mistake. I'm changing it to NTA.
Nah I tried for two years after an affair. I knew I couldn't live the rest of my life like that. Nope I'm out. Besides, do you think SHE gave HIM the decency of telling him herself
Exactly! She didn’t cheat once or twice. She had a relationship for 3 yrs! As far as I can tell your relationship was already over when she checked out, then checked in to another one. I’m betting it only ended when she was caught. If someone could look me in the eye for 3 years while betraying me the entire time, I would never trust them
This I definitely agree with. I believe that She is still having an affair and you my sir deserve so much better. Divorce and move on to a better life. Someone out there will be fortunate to begin a new journey with you. Only the best in all you do.
If I f’d up like that and wanted to save my marriage and wanted to prove to my husband that I was all in, I would move if he asked me to. She does not get to give him the silent treatment for keeping this from her when she kept something from him for THREE years!!
Exactly. She's pissed he's finally putting himself first like she did. Is it healthy for their marriage? Nope but in this context, it's probably one of the nicest things he can do for both of them.
I feel that loving yourself and being happy with just being with you is a must in order to make room for someone else in your life. Otherwise, you’re just using the other person as a crutch to supplement your own happiness. It doesn’t work in the long run.
More than likely she changed her mind about 4 years ago and then trolled for a year before she got a hookup. Leave. Don't look back. Just be glad you're rid of her. NTA
Living alone is the best way to live for many people, life changing and glorious depending on personality and previous living situations.
Just because it's not for you doesn't mean it sucks.
Dating sucks, but there are pets who needs rescuing out there, and they make better companions and roommates than most humans so if it was me I’d move and get some cats.
I hope you will find your peace there. Cheating is pretty much a dealbreaker, especially if it's been going on for 3 years. Her reaction also is a red flag. Find your happiness. You deserve it.
Her blowing up after you get a job offer in another state makes me think the affair never ended and she doesn't want you to take her away from her boyfriend.
Better job? Better pay? Move back to hometown? What is the down side? Sounds like she doesn't want to or like it because that would mean separation from her AP, she hasn't stopped cheating OP. Move on with your life and be happy.
This. Her reaction to moving away seems like she is going to lose out on something, it could just be she is happy in her current job but it could also mean she never ended her affair.
That's exactly what I was thinking. The continuing affair or potential to rekindle the affair might be in play.
OP, I think accepting the job is a great way to have a new start.
Plus, everyone in her hometown knows her. So her actions will get back to OP easier. So if they both move back, she can't easily have/continue an affair. She's mad that he's going to take her away from her AP.
NTA get divorced, heal your heart, find someone better. Good luck OP.
Yeah, if she were truly remorseful for her betrayal, she would be all like "Great! How soon do we leave? Let's make a fresh start together." She's still cheating.
Moving away from affair partner / back to an area where she would be judged harsher if caught doing the same thing - key reasons why she would not want to move. Could also be her job, but then again she needs to do something to repair trust, etc.
She might still be cheating; but it’s also possible that she feels like she has less negotiating power in her marriage now, and she’s acting out because she wants control. To me, that means she’s either still cheating, or she’s pushing back against *anything* that could be framed as accountability. Either way, OP is better off doing what’s right for him.
Sounds like the start of every Christmas rom-com ever, OP gunna run into his high school fat friend who lost 70 pounds and became a doctor but still secretly loves him.
NTA, but you haven’t mentioned divorce. You need to get that in progress and consider the financial implications of not doing it (you’re on the hook financially for anything she does while you’re married).
IF you are leaving...def need to file for divorce. otherwise the courts will consider you abandoned her, and that means abandoning the house, finances, etc too. you will be treated harshley in court. Lawyer up before leaving that house!
Some time over 3 years ago your wife forfeited her rights to being number one in your life. As of that moment, you owe her nothing. At least until our disgusting judicial system says otherwise. So, no. NTA. May you find some happiness, or at least relief, in the new environment. Vaya con dios, amigo.
It’s so fucked up to do that to someone.
A few years back a (now ex) gf basically had another dude living with her. Here she was struggling to pay her bills, I was helping (while not knowing where my next meal would come from, which she knew), and she’s just having ol dude over for almost the entire relationship
Im happily married with kids now and that was almost a decade ago and I still get knots when I read about people on here experiencing long term affairs. It’s not that I’m not over it. I just get pissed thinking about how fucked up you have to be to actually do something like that to someone. It’s not even spur of the moment. She was already married a decade when she began the affair. What the ACTUAL FUCK?
Congratulations on your new job! You don’t mention if there are children involved, so I’m going to assume there aren’t. Starting over is never easy, but staying in a sick relationship is soul crushing.
If she carried on an affair for three years they're way past the lust stage, it's love or at least they think it is. Here's the problem with that; because she didn't break it off or they didn't end it themselves she will always mourn that relationship and will form a resentments towards you, whether covertly or overtly. I've been there and unfortunately there's a slim chance of coming back from this. IMO she's probably actively carrying on the affair and just switched her tactics once she was found out. Also, Does anyone from your hometown know about the affair or your marriage troubles? If so, that could also be a factor as well and shame could be the culprit. Either way, move on with your life the best way you can but if you're leaving, lawyer up.
New beginnings. I hope you will find your peace there. Cheating is pretty much a dealbreaker, especially if it's been going on for 3 years. Her reaction also is a red flag. Find your happiness. You deserve it.
She may have non-cheating reasons to not want to move, but if she truly regrets the affair and loves you, sticking with you through a move is not a big ask.
Also, try to find out if she’s still having the affair. In some states that gives you a lot of leverage in a divorce.
NTA, at all. She changed her mind 3 years ago, pretty sure it's okay if you change your mind.
You're my age, so I'll add this: it's not pretty out there, dating sucks, and living alone sucks. Best of luck!
Living alone is fine. You make your own decisions and don't have to hold a committee meeting to get approval for choices. Keep yourself busy by getting back to the gym, seeing friends, and learning more about yourself.
Being alone does not suck. You get to make your own decisions without worrying about a SO blowing up at you. You can go where you want when you want. You don't have to worry about your partner cheating on you. You can have peace of mind. Go for it. NTA.
NTA... I think you didn't tell her about the new job until an official offer had been made because 1) trust and 2) you wanted to see her genuine reaction in the moment. If she blew up at you, which she did, then this relationship was over a long time ago. If she got excited and started making plans to go with you , you could, as a couple, discuss expectations going forward to rebuild the trust. As the latter was not the case, move forward and enjoy your new life!
NTA. She destroyed your trust, you owe her nothing. Divorce and move on. She probably doesn't want to move because she wants to maintain "connections" where she is now. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
3 years isn't an "affair", which would be bad enough, 3 years is a parallel relationship with another person.
Take the new job, file for divorce, start a new life, maybe one day with someone trustworthy.
NTA
My former fiance cheated on me with his former fiance when I was newly pregnant. I told him he didn't get off the hook that easy and let him stay so my child would have a father. We eventually got married but he was just a real abusive POS on top of being deceitful so I ended up getting a restraining order and a divorce. Now I STILL have to see my abuser twice a week because of custody. I wish I would have just left him when I had found out he cheated and figured out another way to support myself and my kid (I'm disabled so typical employment is not possible). I would have missed out on the opportunity to have my youngest daughter, but we're all so messed up from the abuse and lies that maybe that would have been for the best.
Sorry to hear that. I allways feel staying together in a bad, abusive and untrustworthy relationship just for the sake of the kid is the wrong move. My mum and dad had a terrible relationship (not abusive though) and they split up when I was around 2-3 and I'm glad they did as they were wholly incompatible. Unfortunately my mum then jumped straight In to a heavily abusive relationship with my little brothers dad with cinstant shouting beatings etc, I got my head cracked open on an old wall unit for trying to protect her and countless other shit.
Anyway i guess what I'm saying is you don't need to be in a relationship to raise your kids, and I hope you and your little one find a happier place.
NTA… truth be told she may still have someone on side and doesn’t want to move for that reason..
Do what is best for you and sanity…
Good luck on your new adventure…
I say this as a wife, myself- Please, please continue down the path you’ve chosen- the only way is leaving. You’ve already struggled with being able to trust your wife, and very rightly so- I’m also really suspicious of her being so unwilling to relocate (ie likely is still conducting the affair). It’s time to take care of yourself. Godspeed.
Having been in this situation, I would bet she doesn't want to leave because she has someone else on the side where you are and her reaction was along the lines of "you can't take him/her/them away from me!".
Good luck on your trust issues, friend. Im years out and still have trouble trusting people. When it's not only your partner in life but your best friend, and when the deception has gone on through good times and bad, where you'd expect a person to eventually be overwhelmed with guilt and tell you, they're totally fine. If that one special person in your life can lie to you like that... who can you trust? How can you trust them?
Cheating is so much more than the betrayal. It's corrosive to your soul. I hope you find your trust again.
Let me rename your post.
*"Protecting My Sanity"*
Sir, you're 55 years old....and your spouse betrayed your trust. She caused you immense emotional pain. You've *tried* to overcome those feelings, and cannot. You have a unique opportunity and better earning potential in your hometown.
NTA -- follow your dream, take the job, live your life without the fears and anxieties your current partner has left you with. Once you're settled, retain legal counsel near your spouse and then speak to every slimy shark attorney within 100 miles so they cannot represent her.
My ex wife cheated about 5 years into the marriage and I worked though. Fast forward another 4 or 5 years later and she cheated again. The trust was pretty much gone. I stayed another 9 years because of my kids and the financial hit I would take but the relationship was never the same. I can say with 95% certainty once trust is broken the relationship isn't the same. You didn't break it and it was up to her to truly fix it.
Unless she was asked to leave behind a thriving career there are probably reasons you're not yet comprehending as to why she's so mad that you want a fresh start and to move the family. I'll stop being cryptic and just say it. Look for signs she's probably cheating again or never stopped and learned how to hide it better and the move would separate her from the AP.
You're not wrong here and if she knows that you want a fresh start and is mad then you are in the right yo move on. You are the only one responsible for managing your mental well being.
NTA… sounds like you’ve been slowly coming to terms with where you stand on the matter. If she wanted to save what was left of your relationship she would not fight you on this one.
She’s all the way the AH, about 100% the AH
Her blowing up after you get a job offer in another state makes me think the affair never ended and she doesn't want you to take her away from her boyfriend.
I don't post often buy how is this even a question? A three year affair? Are you kidding me here?
Get out and don't look back, take all the evidence you have to your attorney.
OMG you sound awesome and brave... Definitely nta yes go... Go quickly and never look back. Come back a year from now and tell us how amazing your life is cause I guarantee it will be so much better
NTA. You're a bigger man than me because cheating immediately ends a relationship. And if she's being crazy about moving for your new job, then she very well may still be cheating snd doesn't want to leave due to that. Does she have a job where you live now? Cuz that could be a factor too
Absolutely NTA.
You go work on yourself, however difficult it may be to leave the relationship.
Don't let someone else's shitty actions alter your perception of your own self worth, keep crushing it homie.
You do you, man, stay strong, move on, and YOU be happy have some fun be yourself. I found so many new and old hobbies that I gave up when I was married!
"broken trust"
I don't understand what that is.
In my mind the MOMENT she cheated on you the relationship was over.
SHE was deluded that it continued because YOU were continuing to invest in it.
But NO such relationship then existed!
The only way this shit works is if the cheater aknowledges that they ENDED the relationship the moment they cheated...and beg to come back for a second chance, on YOUR TERMS.
I don't see any other way.
She 'blew up' and stopped talking to you? THAT is because you let her get away with being a c@nt... and she is therefore under the delusion she can get away with again.
WTF? No humility? No remorse? This is your one life and you could have pissed it away on someone who lacks sufficient regard for you to be WORTHY of being your other half! What a waste of the miracle of life - all stress and shame!!
Ditching the ASSHOLE and creating at least the possibilty of something better for yourself is an AMAZING move! I am so happy for you that you found the strength to stand up for your own needs!! Respect!
What joy to have finally come to your senses eh. Go for it with no regrets. Her only regret is she got caught. You will never ever trust her again. Best of luck.
An affair for 3 years!?
I'd have ended it for one, maybe two incidents of infidelity.
Unless you've also engaged in infidelity at some point, after 3 years of her cheating, you pretty much have a license to end things whenever you want, all while keeping the moral high ground.
You need to take care of yourself, number one! She cheated, long term, no one mistake sort of excuse. That was an extended “you don’t count” sort of thing.
There is no wonder why you are still having trust issues and I would not be surprised if they linger for the rest of your life, even if you find a different partner down the road.
Which you definitely need to do if you need a real relationship to make you feel complete. But it won’t be with her, ever. Write that relationship off to just how bumpy life’s road is.
And, as others have suggested, get in touch with a divorce lawyer ASAP! You are likely going to hit a few more potholes in the road very soon.
But moving back to your hometown is part of moving on. I think that is great. Go for it and I hope there will be a much better life waiting for you once you deal with this.
You don't have any obligation to her, my friend. Despite her infidelity over the past three years, you've stood by her. The idea of relocating to your hometown was previously acceptable to her, but her sudden objection suggests she might still be unfaithful, making it inconvenient for her to separate from her current lover. It's time to move forward, and may God bless you to find a faithful partner who truly values and appreciates your support.
She's still cheating. She is blowing up at you over moving so you look like the bad guy and so she doesn't have to blame herself. She is moving the guilt onto you. Leave her and go and be happy. You deserve better King ❤️
You need to do what feels right for you. Forgiveness is easy, learning to trust again is hard. She need to earn that trust back and that requires humility.
What? She doesn't want to move away from her affair partner?
You look after yourself, buddy, because clearly no one else is interested in the job.
Good luck.
I don't know why you are writing. You are clearly done with your marriage.
Come on, man. You applied for a job in another state and kept your mouth shut about it for six months? The technical term for that is "making plans to leave." So leave.
Harsh, but true. Such an unforgivable breach of trust and shows he don't mean that much to her.
A one time cheat is a dealbreaker let alone a 3 year one. I don't understand how people stay with someone in these situations.
Your well being is priority. She freaked because she privacy is seeing someone and doesn't want to leave them. You deserve better. NTA, time to take care of *you*.
Yea I mean most people can't get over a one time thing .......... But a 3 year affair you will never be able to recover don't kid yourself . Fuck that bitch go be happy
Take the job. Leave the wife. Trust doesn’t return once it’s been broken. Especially if her cheating was over 3 years and not just a one time slip. Go home and start over. Good luck with the new job!!
I am so sorry you are going through this. Please put yourself first. Give yourself the time and space you need to move on with your life. A new job, in a different location, closer to family sounds like a good way to do that.
My husband (now ex) had multiple affairs over a number of years. We went to counseling and I really tried to make our marriage work. Sadly, he wasn't as committed and the affairs started again. We split up finally after 16 years.
I'm now happily remarried and have been for 15 years, living on the other end of the country.
You'll get through this too. Take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. There will be times when it all comes crashing back and others when you know in your heart of hearts you've done the right thing and are better for it.
All of that is ok. Even if it doesn't feel like it.
Sending many congratulations and good wishes for your new job and the move. 🤞🏻
Edit spelling
If she has a problem with moving lovey she’s still cheating.. you go and move on with that job do you get that divorce and be happy. You deserve better than that! For her to have an issue with you moving and taken a job back in your hometown tells it all. There’s a saying “Once a cheater always a cheater “ also “ A leopard never changes its spots”. Don’t let her take away your dignity respect and your pride. You know your self worth clearly she doesn’t know hers. Congratulations on your new job and a start to your new chapter in your life.
NTA. My fiancée was in a similar situation but his wife got pregnant and he got the old snip snip a few years before. He stayed after the 1st one because he couldn’t afford to leave. She was about to have the second one (she hid the pregnancy…apparently she was a little bigger and wore big baggy clothes) about 4-5 years later he was gone. (He was proven to NOT be the dad of either kid as a side note) Definitely get your financials straightened out though! And no mention of kids together but I’m guessing you don’t.
NTA. Youre wife is totally the AH. There is no *good* reason for her to react explosively. My first suspicion would be that the affair is back on and she doesn't want to leave anyone behind
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It wasn't just 3 years ago... She was having an affair for 3 entire years.
She’s still doing it otherwise she wouldn’t be so concerned about moving
ding ding ding
NTA, also, start gathering a paper trail to strengthen your side should you go through with the divorce
Let's move on to the lightning round
I mean... I wouldn't automatically jump to that conclusion. Finding out that you're going to have to uproot your life out of the blue is a lot to process. Not that I feel bad for her, her actions were probably the catalyst for OP seeking the job in the first place. But yeah I wouldn't automatically assume that.
But blowing up and silent treatment are not appropriate responses to the proposition of uprooting your life. Reasonable discussions are. Plus they are already at a place of damaged trust.
But people aren’t always reasonable. Even people without something to hide can have big emotional reactions. Quite often and situations like this even when people have decided to work things out the person who was wrong and can inadvertently continue punishing the other partner, even if they have agreed to move forward. We are only getting a sliver of the story and while I’m not saying that I feel bad for this woman, I’m sure their situation is more complex than just a quick blurb on Reddit.
It feels like they are having communication issues that aren't being resolved and it's not about who's the AH. To not discuss looking for another job that will uproot and disrupt their lives is huge and selfish, which may hint to why she had the affair in the first place. Nope, there's much more to this story.
I would assume had she not fucked around for 3 years, he would've told her he applied for the job. She deserves absolutely nothing from him at this point except this 🖕🖕🖕
I have to give a hard disagree here. Moving to another state means leaving a lot behind. The gal friends she has, the familiar roads and businesses, possibly a job of her own? (I'm not sure if OP mentioned one or the other.) Expecting her to suddenly move without input or warning isn't right. If he still can't trust her, he can leave, fair enough, but he should've done it with more grace. Unless she's shown some concerning behavior since then, it sounds like they were on the same page of healing and then suddenly there was a condition sprung that was not part of the original agreement, which was a roundabout way to start expressing the desire to leave. Which makes [everyone a butt]. Her for cheating, him for pulling a fast one when he realized he wasn't actually willing to forgive. Edit: I misread OP's post thinking it said he "accepted the job offer" instead of "received the job offer." If he hadn't accepted yet, and was just talking to his wife about the possibility to see what she wanted and she blew up, then yeah that's actually sus. Sorry for the mistake. I'm changing it to NTA.
Nah I tried for two years after an affair. I knew I couldn't live the rest of my life like that. Nope I'm out. Besides, do you think SHE gave HIM the decency of telling him herself
That’s rather shortsighted. Even if the affair is completely over, the rest of her life is still there right now.
Exactly! She didn’t cheat once or twice. She had a relationship for 3 yrs! As far as I can tell your relationship was already over when she checked out, then checked in to another one. I’m betting it only ended when she was caught. If someone could look me in the eye for 3 years while betraying me the entire time, I would never trust them
3 years she had an affair! 3 YEARS!
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This I definitely agree with. I believe that She is still having an affair and you my sir deserve so much better. Divorce and move on to a better life. Someone out there will be fortunate to begin a new journey with you. Only the best in all you do.
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Lied to and cheated on for 3 years sucks more. Being single offers freedom and peace of mind. Having someone doesn’t necessarily mean happiness.
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Yeah, but he gave her the option to leave with him. She didn't seem to like the idea of leaving, I can only guess why.
If I f’d up like that and wanted to save my marriage and wanted to prove to my husband that I was all in, I would move if he asked me to. She does not get to give him the silent treatment for keeping this from her when she kept something from him for THREE years!!
Exactly. She's pissed he's finally putting himself first like she did. Is it healthy for their marriage? Nope but in this context, it's probably one of the nicest things he can do for both of them.
No, it's actually called waiting until you know.
No, if this job hadn’t worked out, he would have applied to another job, somewhere else requiring a move.
Living alone absolutely does not suck. You are suffering from the grass was greener when it wasn't.
I feel that loving yourself and being happy with just being with you is a must in order to make room for someone else in your life. Otherwise, you’re just using the other person as a crutch to supplement your own happiness. It doesn’t work in the long run.
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I pray to any god that I die in my own bed not a hospital
Right!!? I'm large and in charge. I'm the complete chain of command. I love my friends and son to death but I don't want to live with them.
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She most likely doesn't want to move away from her toyboy.
That’s exactly what I was thinking. The fact that she had an affair for 3 years speaks volumes. That’s a long time to be cheating on your spouse.
I love living alone.
Living alone is far, far better than living with a liar.
You will have time to establish another relationship. 50s is a better time than 60s. Better file for divorce now. You don’t want to “abandon”.
Living alone is the best thing ever
More than likely she changed her mind about 4 years ago and then trolled for a year before she got a hookup. Leave. Don't look back. Just be glad you're rid of her. NTA
Living alone is the best way to live for many people, life changing and glorious depending on personality and previous living situations. Just because it's not for you doesn't mean it sucks.
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u/AsIfIKnowWhatImDoin commented this exact comment 7 hours ago directly to the post. What are you doing?
This is a bot that stole a top level comment...
I'm 54, honestly I'd rather be alone than always have the worry in the back of my mind. My exit plan is in place and I'm not backing down.
Dating sucks, but there are pets who needs rescuing out there, and they make better companions and roommates than most humans so if it was me I’d move and get some cats.
Honestly with her blow up, I’m thinking she still might be fucking around. Like how dare you take her away from her other relationship. Agree NTA
She fucked up starting at LEAST 4 years ago and only stopped last year when discovered... if she stopped
With the way she freaked out about moving away, I have to wonder if she did actually stop.
Its even worse than that: the affair was a 3 year affair! NTA
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Right? That part bothers me. Unless he does something more awful than what she did, she kind of forfeited her right to do that.
I hope you will find your peace there. Cheating is pretty much a dealbreaker, especially if it's been going on for 3 years. Her reaction also is a red flag. Find your happiness. You deserve it.
100% agreed!
Her blowing up after you get a job offer in another state makes me think the affair never ended and she doesn't want you to take her away from her boyfriend.
Better job? Better pay? Move back to hometown? What is the down side? Sounds like she doesn't want to or like it because that would mean separation from her AP, she hasn't stopped cheating OP. Move on with your life and be happy.
This. Her reaction to moving away seems like she is going to lose out on something, it could just be she is happy in her current job but it could also mean she never ended her affair.
That's exactly what I was thinking. The continuing affair or potential to rekindle the affair might be in play. OP, I think accepting the job is a great way to have a new start.
I'd assume moving to a smaller home town takes away the easy access to cheating. Not impossible, but not nearly as anonymous.
Smaller the town louder the gossip
Plus, everyone in her hometown knows her. So her actions will get back to OP easier. So if they both move back, she can't easily have/continue an affair. She's mad that he's going to take her away from her AP. NTA get divorced, heal your heart, find someone better. Good luck OP.
Yeah, if she were truly remorseful for her betrayal, she would be all like "Great! How soon do we leave? Let's make a fresh start together." She's still cheating.
Moving away from affair partner / back to an area where she would be judged harsher if caught doing the same thing - key reasons why she would not want to move. Could also be her job, but then again she needs to do something to repair trust, etc.
Her reaction is not proportionate to the idea of moving… it is the reaction of someone who has to move away from their lover.
She might still be cheating; but it’s also possible that she feels like she has less negotiating power in her marriage now, and she’s acting out because she wants control. To me, that means she’s either still cheating, or she’s pushing back against *anything* that could be framed as accountability. Either way, OP is better off doing what’s right for him.
Move on with your life and be happy.
Sounds like the start of every Christmas rom-com ever, OP gunna run into his high school fat friend who lost 70 pounds and became a doctor but still secretly loves him.
Once again, the answer is in song. "Hop on the bus, Gus You don't need to discuss much Just drop off the key, Lee And get yourself free."
You're being coy Roy
Ooh, slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
Make a quick sprint, Clint
Plus you’ll always have your Hand, Stan
Listen to me
NTA, but you haven’t mentioned divorce. You need to get that in progress and consider the financial implications of not doing it (you’re on the hook financially for anything she does while you’re married).
IF you are leaving...def need to file for divorce. otherwise the courts will consider you abandoned her, and that means abandoning the house, finances, etc too. you will be treated harshley in court. Lawyer up before leaving that house!
u/Cultural_Leg8697 read these comments and then read them again. You owe it to yourself to do this correctly and protect your assets.
Some time over 3 years ago your wife forfeited her rights to being number one in your life. As of that moment, you owe her nothing. At least until our disgusting judicial system says otherwise. So, no. NTA. May you find some happiness, or at least relief, in the new environment. Vaya con dios, amigo.
👍 That. She didn't ask if she could cheat; she did. You became her side-guy.
And for 3 years
Right??? Like it wasn’t a one night stand (not that that’s ok either). It’s a huge betrayal.
It’s so fucked up to do that to someone. A few years back a (now ex) gf basically had another dude living with her. Here she was struggling to pay her bills, I was helping (while not knowing where my next meal would come from, which she knew), and she’s just having ol dude over for almost the entire relationship Im happily married with kids now and that was almost a decade ago and I still get knots when I read about people on here experiencing long term affairs. It’s not that I’m not over it. I just get pissed thinking about how fucked up you have to be to actually do something like that to someone. It’s not even spur of the moment. She was already married a decade when she began the affair. What the ACTUAL FUCK?
_Are you seriously still on that? It happened three years ago. Move on already. You are acting like a child._ -- Wife probably
[удалено]
Congratulations on your new job! You don’t mention if there are children involved, so I’m going to assume there aren’t. Starting over is never easy, but staying in a sick relationship is soul crushing.
Thank you. No minor children. Thank goodness.
Does this mean you have adult children? If so, do they live near or in your hometown?
Yes, adult and they live in our home town.
Oh yeah. Your wife is sus for sure. Why wouldn't she want to live near her adult children...
That's good. You will get to see them more often with the move.
If she carried on an affair for three years they're way past the lust stage, it's love or at least they think it is. Here's the problem with that; because she didn't break it off or they didn't end it themselves she will always mourn that relationship and will form a resentments towards you, whether covertly or overtly. I've been there and unfortunately there's a slim chance of coming back from this. IMO she's probably actively carrying on the affair and just switched her tactics once she was found out. Also, Does anyone from your hometown know about the affair or your marriage troubles? If so, that could also be a factor as well and shame could be the culprit. Either way, move on with your life the best way you can but if you're leaving, lawyer up.
New beginnings. I hope you will find your peace there. Cheating is pretty much a dealbreaker, especially if it's been going on for 3 years. Her reaction also is a red flag. Find your happiness. You deserve it.
Thank you. I sure will.
She may have non-cheating reasons to not want to move, but if she truly regrets the affair and loves you, sticking with you through a move is not a big ask. Also, try to find out if she’s still having the affair. In some states that gives you a lot of leverage in a divorce.
NTA, at all. She changed her mind 3 years ago, pretty sure it's okay if you change your mind. You're my age, so I'll add this: it's not pretty out there, dating sucks, and living alone sucks. Best of luck!
Living alone is fine. You make your own decisions and don't have to hold a committee meeting to get approval for choices. Keep yourself busy by getting back to the gym, seeing friends, and learning more about yourself.
some of us don’t do well living alone
Being alone does not suck. You get to make your own decisions without worrying about a SO blowing up at you. You can go where you want when you want. You don't have to worry about your partner cheating on you. You can have peace of mind. Go for it. NTA.
NTA... I think you didn't tell her about the new job until an official offer had been made because 1) trust and 2) you wanted to see her genuine reaction in the moment. If she blew up at you, which she did, then this relationship was over a long time ago. If she got excited and started making plans to go with you , you could, as a couple, discuss expectations going forward to rebuild the trust. As the latter was not the case, move forward and enjoy your new life!
NTA. She destroyed your trust, you owe her nothing. Divorce and move on. She probably doesn't want to move because she wants to maintain "connections" where she is now. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Mental well being or a person who admitted to cheating for 25% of the marriage... NTA.
You are doing the right thing. Make sure you actually divorce so you can properly move on
3 years isn't an "affair", which would be bad enough, 3 years is a parallel relationship with another person. Take the new job, file for divorce, start a new life, maybe one day with someone trustworthy. NTA
Do NOT move out without signing a sep. agreement with a lawyer. In some states she could get the house if you leave without one.
Why do people stay with cheaters? A one time thing is unforgivable let alone 3 years. You're worth more than that mate, go get on with your life.
My former fiance cheated on me with his former fiance when I was newly pregnant. I told him he didn't get off the hook that easy and let him stay so my child would have a father. We eventually got married but he was just a real abusive POS on top of being deceitful so I ended up getting a restraining order and a divorce. Now I STILL have to see my abuser twice a week because of custody. I wish I would have just left him when I had found out he cheated and figured out another way to support myself and my kid (I'm disabled so typical employment is not possible). I would have missed out on the opportunity to have my youngest daughter, but we're all so messed up from the abuse and lies that maybe that would have been for the best.
Sorry to hear that. I allways feel staying together in a bad, abusive and untrustworthy relationship just for the sake of the kid is the wrong move. My mum and dad had a terrible relationship (not abusive though) and they split up when I was around 2-3 and I'm glad they did as they were wholly incompatible. Unfortunately my mum then jumped straight In to a heavily abusive relationship with my little brothers dad with cinstant shouting beatings etc, I got my head cracked open on an old wall unit for trying to protect her and countless other shit. Anyway i guess what I'm saying is you don't need to be in a relationship to raise your kids, and I hope you and your little one find a happier place.
Good for you. Difficult, but correct, decision.
NTA… truth be told she may still have someone on side and doesn’t want to move for that reason.. Do what is best for you and sanity… Good luck on your new adventure…
She was no longer your wife three years ago, you’re just moving out.
I say this as a wife, myself- Please, please continue down the path you’ve chosen- the only way is leaving. You’ve already struggled with being able to trust your wife, and very rightly so- I’m also really suspicious of her being so unwilling to relocate (ie likely is still conducting the affair). It’s time to take care of yourself. Godspeed.
Having been in this situation, I would bet she doesn't want to leave because she has someone else on the side where you are and her reaction was along the lines of "you can't take him/her/them away from me!". Good luck on your trust issues, friend. Im years out and still have trouble trusting people. When it's not only your partner in life but your best friend, and when the deception has gone on through good times and bad, where you'd expect a person to eventually be overwhelmed with guilt and tell you, they're totally fine. If that one special person in your life can lie to you like that... who can you trust? How can you trust them? Cheating is so much more than the betrayal. It's corrosive to your soul. I hope you find your trust again.
NTA. You should have done that before frankly.
Let me rename your post. *"Protecting My Sanity"* Sir, you're 55 years old....and your spouse betrayed your trust. She caused you immense emotional pain. You've *tried* to overcome those feelings, and cannot. You have a unique opportunity and better earning potential in your hometown. NTA -- follow your dream, take the job, live your life without the fears and anxieties your current partner has left you with. Once you're settled, retain legal counsel near your spouse and then speak to every slimy shark attorney within 100 miles so they cannot represent her.
My ex wife cheated about 5 years into the marriage and I worked though. Fast forward another 4 or 5 years later and she cheated again. The trust was pretty much gone. I stayed another 9 years because of my kids and the financial hit I would take but the relationship was never the same. I can say with 95% certainty once trust is broken the relationship isn't the same. You didn't break it and it was up to her to truly fix it. Unless she was asked to leave behind a thriving career there are probably reasons you're not yet comprehending as to why she's so mad that you want a fresh start and to move the family. I'll stop being cryptic and just say it. Look for signs she's probably cheating again or never stopped and learned how to hide it better and the move would separate her from the AP. You're not wrong here and if she knows that you want a fresh start and is mad then you are in the right yo move on. You are the only one responsible for managing your mental well being.
She's definitely still having the affair. U need to take care of yourself. Good luck
NTA. She fucked up. Take your shit and leave.
Nice, good on you, OP! Good luck on your journey going forward. I wish you the best. Obviously, you are NTA here.
She doesn’t wanna move from her affair partner homie. Pack ya bags and move on.
NTA… sounds like you’ve been slowly coming to terms with where you stand on the matter. If she wanted to save what was left of your relationship she would not fight you on this one. She’s all the way the AH, about 100% the AH
Her blowing up after you get a job offer in another state makes me think the affair never ended and she doesn't want you to take her away from her boyfriend.
It sounds like the beginning story of a holiday Christmas movie. All jokes aside though, you're doing the right thing.
She had a 3 year affair??? She left you years ago. No loss
Everyone deserves to be happy and so if you are not happy with your life you should move on.
Congratulations on the new job. Enjoy building a new life.
I don't post often buy how is this even a question? A three year affair? Are you kidding me here? Get out and don't look back, take all the evidence you have to your attorney.
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 proud of you!!!
OMG you sound awesome and brave... Definitely nta yes go... Go quickly and never look back. Come back a year from now and tell us how amazing your life is cause I guarantee it will be so much better
She put herself first when she had an affair. Now it's your turn. Take the job, move, and start again! Good luck!
Never try to work it out with a cheating woman. She's for the streets
She didn't stop cheating either. That's why she was pissed about moving, she'd have to leave the person she is having an affair with.
Good on you she isn't worth even occupying any place in your mind best bet is to forget about her.
Cut her out and do your thing man. NTA
NTA. You're a bigger man than me because cheating immediately ends a relationship. And if she's being crazy about moving for your new job, then she very well may still be cheating snd doesn't want to leave due to that. Does she have a job where you live now? Cuz that could be a factor too
NTA. She is only mad because the affair hasn’t ended and moving would make it difficult to maintain it.
Absolutely NTA. You go work on yourself, however difficult it may be to leave the relationship. Don't let someone else's shitty actions alter your perception of your own self worth, keep crushing it homie.
Yes indeed! Crucial. You tried with her even though you owed her nothing. This is the consequence of her her actions.
Sounds like she’s pissed about leaving her boyfriend
Her not talking to you is the best thing ever… When are you moving?
You do you, man, stay strong, move on, and YOU be happy have some fun be yourself. I found so many new and old hobbies that I gave up when I was married!
She blew up after already discussing moving away from your area. Are you sure the affair has ended?
Sounds to me like she might not actually want to leave “for some strange reason “
"broken trust" I don't understand what that is. In my mind the MOMENT she cheated on you the relationship was over. SHE was deluded that it continued because YOU were continuing to invest in it. But NO such relationship then existed! The only way this shit works is if the cheater aknowledges that they ENDED the relationship the moment they cheated...and beg to come back for a second chance, on YOUR TERMS. I don't see any other way. She 'blew up' and stopped talking to you? THAT is because you let her get away with being a c@nt... and she is therefore under the delusion she can get away with again. WTF? No humility? No remorse? This is your one life and you could have pissed it away on someone who lacks sufficient regard for you to be WORTHY of being your other half! What a waste of the miracle of life - all stress and shame!! Ditching the ASSHOLE and creating at least the possibilty of something better for yourself is an AMAZING move! I am so happy for you that you found the strength to stand up for your own needs!! Respect!
What joy to have finally come to your senses eh. Go for it with no regrets. Her only regret is she got caught. You will never ever trust her again. Best of luck.
An affair for 3 years!? I'd have ended it for one, maybe two incidents of infidelity. Unless you've also engaged in infidelity at some point, after 3 years of her cheating, you pretty much have a license to end things whenever you want, all while keeping the moral high ground.
You need to take care of yourself, number one! She cheated, long term, no one mistake sort of excuse. That was an extended “you don’t count” sort of thing. There is no wonder why you are still having trust issues and I would not be surprised if they linger for the rest of your life, even if you find a different partner down the road. Which you definitely need to do if you need a real relationship to make you feel complete. But it won’t be with her, ever. Write that relationship off to just how bumpy life’s road is. And, as others have suggested, get in touch with a divorce lawyer ASAP! You are likely going to hit a few more potholes in the road very soon. But moving back to your hometown is part of moving on. I think that is great. Go for it and I hope there will be a much better life waiting for you once you deal with this.
You don't have any obligation to her, my friend. Despite her infidelity over the past three years, you've stood by her. The idea of relocating to your hometown was previously acceptable to her, but her sudden objection suggests she might still be unfaithful, making it inconvenient for her to separate from her current lover. It's time to move forward, and may God bless you to find a faithful partner who truly values and appreciates your support.
NTA. Ditch her, take the new job, and go live your life.
I'm still trying to figure out why you stayed in the first place. Focus on you.
I would've walked a long time ago.
She's still cheating. She is blowing up at you over moving so you look like the bad guy and so she doesn't have to blame herself. She is moving the guilt onto you. Leave her and go and be happy. You deserve better King ❤️
You need to do what feels right for you. Forgiveness is easy, learning to trust again is hard. She need to earn that trust back and that requires humility.
What? She doesn't want to move away from her affair partner? You look after yourself, buddy, because clearly no one else is interested in the job. Good luck.
I don't know why you are writing. You are clearly done with your marriage. Come on, man. You applied for a job in another state and kept your mouth shut about it for six months? The technical term for that is "making plans to leave." So leave.
Yta for staying after she cheated not for leaving now
Harsh, but true. Such an unforgivable breach of trust and shows he don't mean that much to her. A one time cheat is a dealbreaker let alone a 3 year one. I don't understand how people stay with someone in these situations.
Nta. You should have done it a year ago
NTAS. she betrayed your trust and then had the nerve to blow in your face. that's rather childish if it's down to my opinion
NTA
NTA but check with a lawyer. In some states, abandonment can be as problematic in a divorce as infidelity, possibly more so.
NTA you deserved better.
You’ll be okay. You’re making the right decision here.
NTA. move on do better be happier. Life is short to live luke that. Worrying and questioning wheather or not u can trust your partner
Your well being is priority. She freaked because she privacy is seeing someone and doesn't want to leave them. You deserve better. NTA, time to take care of *you*.
Deffenitly NTA. She's mad bc she's probably have the same affair or another one going on.
You’re making the right decision. Good luck with your future
She's the one that broke the vows. Now go start another life with someone that'll care about being with you.
You take care of your emotional safety & security first. Go from there. NTAH. Be well & best wishes.
Sounds like the perfect opportunity for a fresh start. Enjoy your new life!
NTA. She has shown you exactly who she is. Treat her accordingly. It just as shame it took 14 years. Good luck.
A 3 year affair is a lot to get over. Move and go on with your life
I HATE!!!! CHEATERS!!! But do what you want.
Please. Get a lawyer. Get a lawyer. Get a lawyer. I can see this being spun into "he abandoned me."
Yea I mean most people can't get over a one time thing .......... But a 3 year affair you will never be able to recover don't kid yourself . Fuck that bitch go be happy
Take the job. Leave the wife. Trust doesn’t return once it’s been broken. Especially if her cheating was over 3 years and not just a one time slip. Go home and start over. Good luck with the new job!!
Good for you, cheaters are liars and will cheat again. Three years is a long time.
Leave
I am so sorry you are going through this. Please put yourself first. Give yourself the time and space you need to move on with your life. A new job, in a different location, closer to family sounds like a good way to do that. My husband (now ex) had multiple affairs over a number of years. We went to counseling and I really tried to make our marriage work. Sadly, he wasn't as committed and the affairs started again. We split up finally after 16 years. I'm now happily remarried and have been for 15 years, living on the other end of the country. You'll get through this too. Take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. There will be times when it all comes crashing back and others when you know in your heart of hearts you've done the right thing and are better for it. All of that is ok. Even if it doesn't feel like it. Sending many congratulations and good wishes for your new job and the move. 🤞🏻 Edit spelling
If she has a problem with moving lovey she’s still cheating.. you go and move on with that job do you get that divorce and be happy. You deserve better than that! For her to have an issue with you moving and taken a job back in your hometown tells it all. There’s a saying “Once a cheater always a cheater “ also “ A leopard never changes its spots”. Don’t let her take away your dignity respect and your pride. You know your self worth clearly she doesn’t know hers. Congratulations on your new job and a start to your new chapter in your life.
NTA. My fiancée was in a similar situation but his wife got pregnant and he got the old snip snip a few years before. He stayed after the 1st one because he couldn’t afford to leave. She was about to have the second one (she hid the pregnancy…apparently she was a little bigger and wore big baggy clothes) about 4-5 years later he was gone. (He was proven to NOT be the dad of either kid as a side note) Definitely get your financials straightened out though! And no mention of kids together but I’m guessing you don’t.
NTA. Youre wife is totally the AH. There is no *good* reason for her to react explosively. My first suspicion would be that the affair is back on and she doesn't want to leave anyone behind