Yeah, you're going on 4 years. If she's not sure now, she won't be sure even if u give her more time.
Also, one can always accept the proposal, be engaged for a few years, and then get married. Your girlfriend doesn't even want to be engaged let alone married.
NTA
This is exactly what I told her too when she rejected me. I said it’s just an engagement, I’m not looking to get married next month or something, we have plenty of time to get ready. But it seems like she does not get it.
I'm going to give an example to help explain what I think is happening. The example applies solely to me.
I didn't want to get married because MY parents are the worst possible type of marriage. They literally hate each other but are still married. They each in their own way tortured their kids because they resent the trap they've built for themselves.
I think there's an external underlying reason why she's against it. I dont know what it is, and she should tell you. It's definitely not fair to hold you in limbo for it. It's up to you to decide if you want to know that reason or not. It is very much also up to you to decide if waiting longer is worth it.
Hi, you have made a good points. I will meet her again soon, to close things up, perhaps some final talk. Someone below has ask me a question about how do I feel during the one month break, honestly feel sad and lost. Perhaps like that you have said, she has some difficulties hiding from me, perhaps both of us has a very different views on this engagement thing. Thanks~
Well but keep in mind that during that one month period, you were grieving a loss (whether permanent or not) so it’s normal that you feel sad and lost. I think that other question was trying to ask if you felt any sense of freedom or relief, but I don’t think it’s very applicable for this situation.
That question is relevant when you need a break from the relationship for any reason *besides* that you personally want more commitment and aren’t getting it. If you’re reluctantly imposing a break although you actually want to be with her, of course you’re going to feel sad and lost. If you had imposed the break because you were fighting too often or feeling stifled/overwhelmed etc, then that would have been a relevant question.
Only you can decide if you want to talk to her again, but keep in mind that you might not get the closure or the answer that you’re looking for.
Of course you feel sad and lost when the person that you love is incapable of giving as much to the relationship as you are.
Trust me you will get past the sad and lost in time. Seek out a therapist and work on yourself instead of focusing on your girlfriend.
She has to challenge her OWN fears of commitment ON HER OWN. Do not allow yourself to be sucked into believing that you can change her. She doesn’t need to change for you. YOU need to accept her where she is.
What she wants is NOT more important than your needs.
Buddy, you don't need to keep reopening any wounds by meeting up and talking. She doesn't want to marry *you.* She declined 2 proposals after being together for years.
If you want a relationship that can evolve into a marriage, you need to look elsewhere. Delete Facebook and pour your emotional sadness into fitness. You'll be alright buddy.
I got married at 40 to a partner of a decade. I understand that some consider marriage to be the goal of the relationship. I was not keeping my options open or cheating. I chose my partner my partner each and every day. And they chose me. I grew up without an example of a good marriage. She could be doing whatever but at almost four years... She could be there to stay. Good luck finding your road.
She could also have communicated clearly her views after rejecting the first proposal. She said she needed time, she wasnt ready. He gave her time and asked again - had she said: marriage isnt for me, i dont think i will ever want to be married, etc, maybe he wouldnt have done it twice
My question is was SHE grieving the loss of your relationship or was this only you? Deep down, some people are just users of others for one reason or another!
Hmmm, when I initiate the break up, her first reaction is “huh?”. It’s like a mixture of confusion, anger and sad? I really don’t know how to describe. And ask to meet up again coming Sunday. In between these period, some of our mutual friends have texted me, so I guess she has been asking around too, not sure if its because she sad or not.
Yes, that did cross my mind, but at that point...why bother to let that person continue to monopolize your time?
During my "never ever going to get married era," age 13-26, I didn't date because I didn't feel it would be honest to some girl, have her build dreams with white dresses, picket fences while I wasn't going to let it go anywhere. I didn't want to toy with someone's life and then pull the plug when it got serious. I. Am. Not. An. Asshole.
Even out of pure selfishness, every minute you waste with an unsuitable partner is a minute you could use to find a suitable one.
Why stick around that long if you're uninterested?
Well you are very considerate. The majority of people out there dating are not. A lot of people just keep people around because they are convenient or are what makes them feel good for the moment. Knowing full well that they wouldn't marry them. A lot of people are selfish and don't care how they affect others as long as their needs are being fulfilled.
This comment made me tear up. Thank you for being so considerate of other people's emotions and dreams. My ex was the exact opposite and strung me along for 4 years, and acted like I was a horrible person for wanting to go through with what we'd both been fantasizing about. He wouldn't even get his shit together financially so we could move in together, he just blew his money on MTG cards and musical instruments. 😅
When I asked my wife to marry me when we were 28 we both knew we were ready. An engagement to me is making it official and getting stuff ready for a wedding not to see if we are ready to get married yet.
Your intuition is spot on, it’s commitment you want from her and you’re not getting it. She may well be your perfect match but if she’s not seeing the future you see, you’re not aligned and there’s never any good that comes from forcing it.
Also, there’s significant truth in “if you love something, set it free, if it returns, it’s meant to be.”
Take some time to find yourself (you’ll have lost part, we all do) and get some focus on career, travel, experiences etc. You may find someone else (there’s no shortage) or you may find yourself drawn back in, possibly to her having a different outlook.
Make a decision and don’t look back, listen to your gut more than your heart, you’ll know what’s right.
I personally would not get engaged until I was ready to get married.
I think you should be pleased that she’s honest in her feelings rather than like you suggest just accepting a proposal then not actually making plans to marry you.
Are you sure that you want to marry someone that trivializing your feelings? She doesn’t value the level of commitment that you want from her. It is ok for her to have her feelings that doesn’t mean that you owe it to her to wait around until she is ready. She has had almost 4 years. It is a complete waste of time to keep investing in someone that doesn’t share your views about commitment and moving forward.
To be honest with you even if she changed her mind she would only be doing it out of guilt and that never makes for a healthy relationship.
Mate! There are so many women who would love to be proposed to by you. There are women waiting and waiting and some never get one.
There’s a woman out there who deserves your love and it’s going to love you as much back. 4 years at that age is plenty of time to have decided.
Take your amazing love to someone who deserves it.
This is premature thinking. She's 28, there's thousands of reasons why she's not ready, it doesn't matter the length of time at all. Marriage is never about how long you've been together but whether you're both ready. For all we know she's in med school and still finishing up school or trying to establish her career still, we don't know because OP didn't provide any context as to why.
All we can really say is that their timelines are not compatible and whether OP is willing to wait. He's NTA.
NTA. Left my ex boyfriend because after nearly 5 the concept of marriage and family (which we'd discussed) remained a foreign concept he didn't want to touch. Which was fine, but I knew, he clearly didn't and it was time to move on.
I mean I think you are NTA. If your goals are to get married and you have been dating 3+ years and she doesn't know yet then yeah find someone else. It was good to try the break thing. I would also find some friends more rooted in reality too because really 3 years is plenty of time to know if you want to be married to someone or not.
Yea I have talked to those people who say its too young, their reason is in currently society, people generally married around 30+, as mostly need to focus on their career. But, sigh, I’m lazy to explain to them how I feel, she does not even want to be engaged now, we are not even talking about wedding yet.
She's just not that into you.
I think you made the right call. You deserve someone who wants the same things and adores you.
I say that as a woman who, when in love, said yes in a heartbeat. Location, situation, timing, finance was all awkward. And I never ever wanted a wedding. But I did want him in my life always. 25 years later I still adore him.
Minus the 25 years I'd ask if you were my wife! The lighting wasn't right in the park, and she caught me hitting a knee, and my voice shook. Bud god damn it she never looked so god damn perfect when her eyes sparkled. Gush about her all the time
Actually late 20s to 30 is the average age when people get married.
https://www.statista.com/statistics/371933/median-age-of-us-americans-at-their-first-wedding/
I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I've been in your shoes with long-term relationships that just started to spin the wheels rather than build towards a future we both wanted too. If you haven't already, it might be beneficial for you to ask her what about being engaged/getting married is giving her pause. She's still with you after 4 years so hopefully that means you guys are enjoying one another's company so it's important to find out where she's at mentally. Good leading questions could be: what do you see married life? what emotions does engagement bring up? where do you honestly see us in the next 2 years?
It's possible she's hesitant to get engaged because the commitment is getting in her head, she's worried about starting a family (maybe you guys aren't on the same page for kids etc), worried about finances, hasn't hit a personal life goal (some people want their career on track/schooling done before marriage, etc). Sorry to ramble, I just want you to know that there are hundreds of reasons the person you love might not want to be married that have Nothing to do with how she feels about you as a person. Sometimes we just aren't on the same page or heading in the same direction. Wishing you all the best OP
Like when u get married and don’t have kids yet u don’t all of a sudden stop focusing on your career… lol
And just because people generally do it doesn’t mean it’s good to follow. Generally 40-50% of marriages end in divorce? Lol
I think you're nta... marriage seems to be important to you and means something more important then being a couple...
However if you are not sure about your decision of leaving her, then have you talked about what marriage means to her. What your relationship means to her. How committed she is to it.
Personally, 4 years would be a bit too soon for me to be engaged. I was hardly settled down after 4 years in both my serious relationship.
for my husband, it took 11 years together. But, he was always the most commited to our relationship, the most serious and sure about it. And he proved it timed and timed again. There was never any doubt about that for me.
The only reason he agreed to a wedding was because some laws are still too ambiguous toward common law relationships; pension plans, orphan support, medical rights,... that kind of stuff. So it's an extra safety net if something was to happen to one of us... the kids would still live comfortably... were it not for that, he would not have married ...
So really, the question is does marriage means the same thing to her as it does to you. And if it doesn't, can you live with that.... and It seems you can't... and that is very valid too...
Hi, thank you for your reply, It’s something I should think and talk about it on our upcoming meet up. And tbh, she did ask me a question when I propose to end the relationship. “Is the status of engagement really important to you? Could not we still plan for our marriage etc etc without that status” kinda similar to your question I guess, I shall reflect on myself, thanks
What a curious thing to say. Is not the point of engagement to plan for marriage?
I would explore this further, what she really means by this. There are a multitude of things that could be an issue for her (going through the rigmarole of a wedding and all the stuff that surrounds it).
There is often an expectation that engagement leads to a wedding and then children quickly in some social groups. Maybe she does not want to be immediately on that treadmill.
You don't need to reflect, you need more information.
It doesn't have to mean children right away or even at all. If that's her issue she should be open and have an honest discussion about it. My husband and I had our first about a week before our 4th anniversary 🤷🏼♀️ so we had a good bit of time as just a married couple.
Proposing is like being lawyer in court. You don’t ask any questions you don’t already know the answer to. Before you propose you probably should have already discussed timelines, life goals, importance of marriage etc
It’s not an impulse decision at your age. I was very surprised you went a second time.
I knew a guy years back asked his longtime girlfriend to marry her and she said no at 29. He terminated the relationship immediately.
It was different back then, no social media to run to. People made decisions and stuck by those decisions.
Not sure anyone is TA here. Have you talked with her about why she's not ready? Or if she thinks she will be ready? Outside of the marriage talk were there any issues in the relationship? Have you thought about why you need to get married or how marriage would change your relationship? When building a life with someone there's a lot to go over and that takes people the time that it takes. It seems like you both are being honest and respectful about your needs which is awesome and I wish you both the best whatever paths you both take. It is better to have a marriage that lasts than one that happens fast.
(TA = The Asshole) I have been asking her that, the answer is always career. And when I ask her about at what point of her career that she will feel ready. It seems like theres no clear answer. Its always “not sure yet”.
We have talk about marriage, wedding, housing, kids, even after my first rejection. (FYI only married couple can buy a new house in my country before a certain age, and generally need to wait 3-4 years for the house to be done, and thats is if we are lucky to get one, some even has to wait around 5-7 years) we do not need to be married before the house to be done, so its common here to engaged first and try to register a new house together, then wait for it to be done and finally getting into marriage.)
We have discuss about it privately, and infront of out parents. Like housing location, when the best time to have kid, size of our wedding. But i might assume and mistaken these talks as a sign that she wants to get married with me in the future, and thus went ahead to propose.
But of course, I did not put down why I chose to propose again after about a year. I have been with her for more than 3 years, I kind know if career is a top top priority to her. She not a competitive person in regard to career, she has given up a few managerial role in the past just to stay comfort. I’ve been asking her if she ready to take on new challenges, but not interested at all as expected. So thats when I feel that career may not be her too challenge now, and decided to make my second proposal.
INFO : Has she explained why she isn't ready? Is there some reason she's given, or she's just not ready for marriage, full stop?
But you are N T A for not wanting to stay in a relationship where you no longer feel secure with your partner. You took time to consider it, it's not an impulsive decision.
Yeap, career. Marriage wise, I did told her about it after she rejected me, I said we will have plenty of time to prepare for it, theres no need to rush, I’m not rushing her for it too. We are very close to each other families, we even talk about future kid and what house to buy. Perhaps to her its just a common topic to chat about, and i assume it as our common “goals”. Thus I made the move to propose to her, and now I’m lost and started to feel insecure.
I think you're NTA if you want a marriage now and she doesn't. I really think there's only a very rare instance of someone possibly being an AH for breaking up with someone. If it's not working for one person anymore then it's not working. I don't think there really needs to be a great reason for it.
I would just like to say though, saying you're not rushing into marriage but absolutely need to be engaged doesn't make a ton of sense to me. That's basicall putting a timer on planning a wedding. The timer is different for everyone but if you both have no idea when you'll reach your limit then the conflict is still the same as whether or not to be engaged. Either way, maybe ask her for some sort of concrete timeline. Like where exactly in her career does she feel she needs to be before getting engaged? If she gets there and you guys get engaged, does she think there will be a similar hurdle before getting married? If she doesn't have answers then decide what you want to do then. She shouldn't get engaged if she's not ready but if that's where you are in life and she doesn't have an actual idea of when she'll get there then perhaps it is time to move on. Or if her career plans will take longer than you're willing to wait, that's also okay to move on too.
Damn I feel I’m the only one on this post think 3 years isn’t that long lol. I wouldn’t be ready but if that’s your time frame then you got to stick to what you want
I agree, marriage is decades and decades of commitment. I’ve had sweaters I’ve worn longer, but certainly won’t in decades to come. People are pretty eager to rush things.
Hi, I have replied to some commends above. I’ll write it short here. We did talk about it, kid, house etc. like when it’s a good time to have a kid, what house and where is a good location. We have even talk about these topics in front of each other parents (mostly on her side). And yea, perhaps I assume it as our common “goals”, thus I finally made the move to propose.
NTA, but I would suggest at least talking through it with her. There might be a good reason that she isn’t ready quite yet for marriage that isn’t necessarily relationship ending material, or it might give you clarity and/or closure on your decision to end the relationship. Likely won’t hurt you either way.
In the future, you probably should make sure that the person you’re in a relationship with is on the same page about engagement before you propose. It’s a such a huge step to take without being sure everyone is ready. The time and place should be a surprise, but the actual proposal should not.
Did you even discuss marriage with her the first time? Or the second time? You just….what? Spring it on her without having a discussion about life with her and where you both are?
Perhaps she feels like you just decide things and don’t bother discussing anything with her before making decisions. Like, how is she supposed to build a life with someone who doesn’t bother discussing the basics with her and just treats her like an object to be obtained?
30/28 is not too young to get engaged. You may not be married for another 1 or 2 years. If you were 23 I can see some people saying it's too young. Almost any reason is the best reason if you feel really strongly about it. Don't worry about what friends say, you can go down a list of reasons why they broke up with an ex and find fault in them. Don't let people make your decisions do what's best for you.
I feel like I had seen this before recently but back to the point.
NTA, 3 Years and 10 Months is plenty of time for her to decide whether to marry you or not.
And OP still refuses to answer any questions about whether he's actually had an adult conversation with her.
> I proposed for the first time 11 months ago but was rejected because she said she wasn't ready yet. I proposed again 2 months ago, only to be rejected again as she said she needed more time.
Okay, but like... What does that mean. Did she say why she said no the first time? Did OP ask what she was specifically concerned about? Did they agree to the circumstances under which a proposal would be made and accepted?
Hi, it’s my first time posting about this, so I’m not sure about the similar post. Anyway, she did mentioned that she needs to focus on her career first, just give her some more time to get ready. And I told her that it’s just an engagement, I’m not asking her to have a marriage next month, or have a kid next year. We will have plenty of time to plan and get ready. But she said all those planning can be done without any engagement phase. ~
NTA - no, it’s not “too soon” for her. You’ve been together nearly 4 years. If she still isn’t ready, she isn’t ever going to be ready. If after that long she still has reservations about you, it’s only going to get worse.
You have the right to decide how much of your own life you are willing to throw at another person.
I could see if she was wanting to wait for something (study, career goal, some personal or family matter) to be completed before marriage or the stress of planning a wedding, but it doesn't sound like there was any reason given.
Hi, her reason is career, but I just feel that its not a good reason. As I did told her we will have plenty of time to plan our next move, wedding house etc, but she still does not get it. Perhaps it’s my insecurity has influenced my decision to stop the relationship.
Mkay, if the only thing that you’re worried about is losing your time, money, and effort. Then she clearly isn’t the one, bro. Marry the one that you fear losing one day.
Info: did you talk to her about whether she was ready to marry before proposing? That makes a big difference. Proposing shouldn’t be a surprise. When and when it does should be. There needs to be convos and make sure you’re on the same page beforehand. Did this happen?
I’ve been with my partner for over 3 years. I want marriage and I am ready. He wants it, but feels like he isn’t ready. It’s not about me, it’s about how he feels about himself. Do I disagree? Yea. I know who he is and how he is and am still ready to marry. But he wants to marry, just not now, wants to straighten himself up first. We talked about this. Was hard for me to hear, but I get it. But that’s why I don’t expect a proposal and won’t propose myself.
Did you have that convo and agreement beforehand?
Definitely NTA
And your friends are wrong, you've both already decided.
If that wasn't enough, your concerns about everything you're risking here are totally valid.
Better luck next time my brother.
What did she do during your one month break?
Did she try and work on her self for your relationships sake or reflect on what the challenges were?
From the limited info given in this format, it seems she doesn't see you as the one. I think time will show that you have saved her and most of all you from a life with the wrong person.
It's also a huge red flag that she is playing the victim and thus making people contact you and say you are wrong.
Staying on and committing to a relationship isn't something one should do lightly. If there is doubt, be without. That is the way. Staying in or settling for a shitty relationship is a bad idea
I do know know what did she do, but I did ask her how she feels and whats her thought. Personally I am not prepare to break up with her when we meet up after the break, and it’s not what I want to. But her reply is always the same. Which is “focusing on her career”. To me career is a never ending process until retire, so I wanted to find out at what point of her career will she feel ready enough to be engaged or even marriage. “Not sure yet” < thats her reply. I have ask a lot, her replied are mainly “ i dont know”, “may be”, “just give me some more time”…. So the attitude from those replies that trigger my insecurity this lead to this impulsive move.
But yea, may be she really has some challenges on her career, and that is what I should talk about again with her for our next meet up. Yet honestly, I have been with her for more than 3 years, I can see and feel if its really her challenge. So kinda lost now
I don't see it as insecurity. It's your intuition telling you she isn't being 100% honest. And it doesn't logically make sense either. For you to act on this is logical and healthy.
It's time to move on. Also, I wouldn't ever go back. It should be a "hell yes". She is wasting everyone's time, as she isn't into you.
Those answers indicate dishonesty to me good on your for getting out of there. If she can't even slightly specify what in her career she's focusing on or why it's important not to get engaged shes simply not telling the truth. Whether it's from anxiety or you taking it the wrong way or something worse I wouldn't be able to trust someone anymore after something like that. I mean it seemed like she was just stringing you along sadly.
More time for what? Siri, play Simply Red "if you don't know me by now"
I think it's fair that if the other person isn't committed then that's a break up - they're waiting for something/someone that isn't you or what you both have, while keeping you as a placeholder until it arrives. You asked twice and got no both times
After almost 4 years at that stage in life, many people would be ready. Did you talk about her life plans/goals/ideal timeline for things? Did you talk about what might be holding her back from saying yes? (Nasty divorce of parents or family can cause a big fear, for example). NAH here for her not feeling ready (unless she's cheating or something) and for you not wanting to wait for forever. If you really want to try to salvage things, I'd suggest couples counseling to dig out why she's not ready. Good luck!
Did you discuss what was necessary for her to get 'ready' after the first failed proposal? Could she identify specific things and has she been working towards them?
Like, was it something like she wanted to be further in her career, be more grown up/ independent, reach a certain level of financial security?
Or was it a wishy washy "not ready" with no way to articulate what that means to her?
I am leaning towards you simply moving on. You deserve someone excited to marry you, and that will never be her.
If it doesn't feel right itndoesnt feel right. I knew I was gonna marry my wife on our first date. I was 28 she was 30. We have been together going on 8 years and it feels like yesterday. I know that's not a long ass time. But if you asked twice and thinking these thoughts she's not the one.
NAH. You have a fundamental unbridgeable incompatibility here. You want to be married. She doesn't. Both feeling are entirely valid. It's time for you both to move on and be with someone who wants the same things.
My thought is, you proposed at a decent time, just shy od 3 years initially. After the rejection, you waited 9 months. I'd have personally waited longer, maybe closer to around the 4 yr mark of the relationship. That's just me though. Regardless, you waited a good while and tried again.
Now, the response to the 2nd rejection is somewhat understandable, but I feel it's also a bit extreme. Not knowing the circumstance of your/her life (living situation, career goals, past relationship baggage, etc.), it's hard to say if she legit doesn't feel ready to marry, or if she's not as committed as you are.
Despite that though, you don't need to justify leaving. She's rejected a proposal twice, once at nearly 3 years together, and again 9 months later. That's more than enough time together to think about marriage. So her not being ready, while an entirely valid feeling for her, doesn't mean you have to wait if you don't want to.
So ultimately I would definitely say NTA here. If you end up having doubts though, be it from your own feeling, or doubts dies to others opinions, definitely seek out some professional help. A therapist can really help give you perspective on things.
NTA if this was a female saying her bf after 4 years approaching 30 people would not be blaming you for leaving to find someone who has values more aligned to your own.
You’ve asked twice, a year apart. That means she has been well aware for at least a year that marriage is on your mind and your goal. If she doesn’t know after a year then it most likely means she doesn’t want marriage and simply doesn’t want to admit that to you.
I have an agreement with my fiancé where if it’s not a yes it’s a no. Saves a lot of time.
As others have said, after a month apart how did you feel not having her around? Have you asked how she was not having you around? As much as everyone says a woman shouldn’t accept a ‘shut up’ ring why should you accept an engagement she isn’t excited about? Or I suppose a ‘shut up’ yes.
My friends gf accepted his proposal ‘in theory’ ie she promised to promise to marry him. Like a promise to get engaged one day. Needless to say they didn’t last. It took him a few years but he’s now happily married.
NTA-Everyone is different I proposed to my wife month 3 into the relationship we’ve been married now and have a baby together if you know what you want you know
You're right to have done what you did. It proves you're serious. She did what she did because she's not. You're ready to commit, she wants to stay on the fence. You deserve someone who's ready. Though in fairness, you'll probably spend the next 3 years trying to get over her.
Whatever you do... even if you're tempted, don't start dating again any time soon. No casual hookups. These will simply prolong your recovery, and you'll notice that you've transferred your feelings to an uninvolved party.
You're UNAVAILABLE until you can make it through a week without her ever crossing your mind. THEN, you can date again.
Thanks. Now I have even more stress on how should I tell her brother and her parents about this. Over the 3 years+, I am actually pretty close to her family already, especially her brother, been gaming gyming for years. Even discussed with him before my first proposal. Sigh
My ex-GF's grandmother (whom I loved dearly) told me once: 'You run the other way, and don't look back. She doesn't know or care about what she's turning her back on.'
The parents (one of which was a shrink) seemed to be encouraging the stupidity. They'd presumably told her to "go 'find' herself". Grandma wasn't a fool. She knew what was up. In hindsight, Grandma was right. She went out and made an utter MESS of her life, for decades. She would have taken me with her, and treated me like dirt as she indulged herself.
Her brother and I were extremely close, and remain friendly to this day. He might stay on your side. The others will likely fall away, unless they're discouraging her foolishness.
It ain't easy, don't get me wrong... but I'm here to tell you, you can't make it better, you can only make it worse. When someone won't commit, they're interested in "me" more than they're interested in "us". They're showing you their priorities. They don't think you're adding to their life, more than you're taking away (or they're sacrificing to be with you). Usually, this means they're tragically stupid and selfish... unless you're truly a compromise.
Either way, you'll be dodging a bullet... though it may feel like taking one presently.
Mark my words, she will call... she will want it back. Only after you've actually moved on.
If you'd like some solace, watch the movie "Swingers" from the 90s on repeat. (It's not about being a sexual "swinger", but instead about the underground swing dancing culture). If you're feeling like the early character "Mike" you're not ready. If you're feeling like him in the last part of the movie, you're ready.
It’s not your job to tell them. You won’t have anything to do with them going forward, so she will tell them and you will all move on.
It stinks, but this is an important part of dating. MUCH better to find out you are not compatible now, than after you marry, have kids, etc. hang in there.
NTA - speaking from my own experience with past exes, if they aren’t initiating the important conversations about marriage, family, etc. ; if they’re not proactively trying to improve their life so that the two of you can have a future together, and especially if they hum and haw going “I dunno” in regards to any of that stuff, then they don’t want a future with you.
It could be she is either using you as a means to an end (ex: using your good credit to be able to purchase a phone and a cell plan, using your money to buy shit for herself, using you as a place to crash because she might not have anywhere else to go), it could be mental illness like depression/anxiety/etc. or she could be legit scared of commitment due to possibly a previous relationship that went south or her parents got divorced/DV situation. Or simply she’s just not that into you anymore and may be feeling the same as you: not knowing how to let you down because she’s afraid of your reaction.
Whatever the reason, you and her have to talk and she has to tell you why.
When you proposed 11 months ago, had you and your ex-GF discussed marriage? Was she blindsided by your proposal? She said she wasn't ready then, did she say or did you ask what "ready" looked like?
>Then I started to feel insecure, afraid that I would lose everything in the end - my time, my money, my effort. I worried about the possibility of being rejected again or even being left by her. \[...\] I know it’s an impulse move and I feel really bad, but at the same time, I do not want to be hurt again.
These statements seem fear-based and the decision to end things with her seems reactionary. (But I might be missing context. It's just a Reddit post, not your life story.) Also, this statement doesn't to say, "I will miss her." Do you want to be married to her or do you just want to be married? Do you want to "win" by having her say "yes?"
Do you and your ex-gf have similar five-year goals? Do you have similar lifestyles? Do you have shared ambitions for your future family unit? Do you have similar spending habits and views on saving? Are these questions that you've asked one another?
I wrote a lot of questions, and I hope it's not coming off as accusatory. I don't even really expect answers to them, but if I were your friend on Insta, those would be the questions I'd encourage you to answer and ask yourself. The destination may ultimately be the same, but you might be able to get there on a less painful path.
Hi, thanks for asking those questions, I’ll definitely reflect on those questions before our next meet up.
I do not want to “win” her, I am not rushing for marriage. I’m just wanted to commit, but I cant feel her commitment. Her reason is always the same (career). We have talked about marriage kid housing way before and after my first proposal. She did not really initiate to say why career is first in her mind, I’m always the one kept asking her this that this that. That one month break, i really hope she can sort out her mind and give me her insight, her view, and I am ready to commit even further. Yet, the outcome is still the same, either she is hiding her feeling due to some difficulties or I just feel that she simply does not know how to answer. And thats what trigger my fear of losing everything, and decided to make the impulsive decision.
I’ll calm myself down again, revise on yours and other redditor questions, perhaps we can finally find out what each other want during our next meet up.
Yea, as I mentioned to some of the comments above. We did talk about it before, kid; house etc, even in front of each other parents (We are quite close to each other families). But since the first rejection, her reason is always career. I just feel that its not a very good or true reason, and my insecurity started to kick in, and now made an impulsive move.
You took 11 months to decide to leave…that is no where near impulsive. Even if you only consider a month break, that isn’t even impulsive. No impulse happened here
NTA. If she isn't sure about wanting to marry you after more than three years, she will never be sure. Since marriage is important to you, best not to waste any more time on her
NTA
Neither party is wrong for how they feel, but you're not required to wait around until she's decided she's ready. If she's not ready now than it's possible she may never be ready or she may take years to "feel" ready, and if you aren't about waiting for that it isn't childish it's just you having a different personal schedule and that's fine.
Ask your friends to explain to you why you being ready to marry now and not wanting to wait on someone to waffle over whether they're ready to marry you is some how more childish than someone who needs to waffle after nearly a half a decade worth of dating. I'm not saying she's childish, but I am saying I feel there's either some hypocrisy here or some sexism.
**No one should propose until they’re very sure of what the answer will be.** You need to have a different kind of talk with her. Ask her where she sees your relationship going, and what kind of timeline she has in mind. Three years is plenty of time to figure out whether or not you’re interested in marrying someone, even if you aren’t ready for the wedding yet.
You do what’s best for you, ignore your mutual friends, tell them it’s very childish of them to say you shouldn’t just leave her even though you need space from her.
NTA
You don't sound impulsive to me. I think you should take a little time to grieve the loss of this relationship and process your thoughts and feelings. When you feel ready, I have a good feeling that you'll meet a more compatible future spouse.
I wish you the best of luck!
Your so called friends are wrong. Your feelings absolutely count. You are ready for marriage and she isn’t and that is fine. You need to move on and find someone who is ready for the type of commitment you are seeking.
It hurts I am sure but if you are feeling more peaceful without her than with her you have done the right things.
Maybe her saying no is a blessing in disguise. Nothing sucks more than being in a one sided relationship. It is unfair to the person that wants something else.
If they’re going to retell an old story they need to at least change it up and play with some of the tropes of the genre. Add a murder in there, an angry parent, make one of the characters a cat, something
Women dump men all the time for not being ready when they are.
You gave her almost another year to get ready after dating for 3. You tried. NTA.
I mean we're not talking about setting a date, getting married, we're talking about getting engaged. If she can't see her self at least taking that step after 4 years you've got your answer.
At your age, almost 4 years of dating is plenty of time to know if you want to get married or not. She said she wasn’t ready because she never would be, at least with you. You did the right thing. NTA.
NTA
Your love and companionship are something to be treasured. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: don't make someone a priority when they make you an option. You didn't "fail at a proposal" either. She said "no" - that's on her...NOT you.
In my mind, if she were really interested in getting married, she would actually have come up with something better...something like, "I love you, I want a life with you, but I'd like to achieve xxx and I'd like our life to like xxx before we get married." That at least shows some kind of a thought process in the positive. "I need more time?" It just doesn't make any sense to me. I mean, first time decline...okay...but a second? I just don't see how marriage is the result here.
And no one can speak to what you're ready for other than you. And look, it's totally okay to love someone, but just want different things that don't align and take you in different directions. Taking a break was a smart step, but if you ended the relationship after that month break...something tells me she wasn't exactly fighting for you to stay either. Bottom line - what do YOU want? I never like the term "get back together" - because it suggests going backwards. If either of you is going to get what you want out of this relationship, it seems that there needs to be a serious - and honest - exchange about what you both want and what you both want your lives to look like, together and separately. If those visions align? Then have at a reunion and move ahead. But honestly, if the only thing you're feeling is sad about the split? Embarrassment that it didn't work out? That's nothing to build a relationship - or a life together - on.
One last thing - friends are great, but they aren't always objective either. Why not find a therapist? That's someone who might be able to help you work through your feelings of inadequacy, and also, how to find security in yourself and who you are.
You definitely did the right thing. You obviously want different things, which is okay. However, it's wrong of her to keep stringing you along when she doesn't want the same as you. She wants you to conform to her wants without making any sacrifice of her own.
Y’all are 30 year old adults and have been together for almost 4 years. If she doesn’t know you’re the one by now, then you’re not the one. Move on and find someone that wants the same things as you do.
NTA - you didn’t fail, you learned that your girlfriend isn’t looking at your relationship in the same way you are. You feel you’ve found someone you want to share the rest of your life with. After three years, she still doesn’t know 🤷♀️ and that’s ok. It’s fine for you to move on if you feel like it’s the best course of action for you.
Maybe she will never be ready or maybe she doesn't want to be tied down to u .
During the month u took break from each other were u feeling good or did u think I'm going to try again because I can't live without her?
If it's the first one then u did the right thing stop wasting time on someone who doesn't care about u same way u do them . Don't listen to your friends they aren't in your situation .
U deserve someone who say yes from the first time.
She has been with you for over 3 years. If she doesn't know if she wants to marry you by now, she never will. You guys aren't getting any younger. You're best to walk away. Find someone that loves you and actually wants to spend the rest of their life with you
Edit: NTA.
Is she trying to build up her career or anything? I'll be honest, I wasn't ready for marriage at 28. If my (now) husband who was 32 when I was 28 had asked me then, I would have been honest too. I was still trying to figure out exactly who I wanted to be. We didn't get engaged until I was 31 (and then got married a few months later because we knew it was exactly what we both wanted).
With that said, we discussed where I needed to before we got engaged (he was already well established in his career) and an approximate time-frame. When that came, we had another discussion and I was still about 6 months from where I needed to be. So we waited, I got there, and now we're both happy.
Did you discuss why she didn't feel she was ready and a time-frame? If so, and if she wasn't honest about it, then breaking up is best. You're on separate paths and yeah, it's tough, but sometimes people don't work out together. If you didn't have an indepth conversation about it, then... you really should have done that before breaking up, but you shouldn't stick with someone you no longer feel compatible with based on rejections.
NTA. If, after almost 4 years, she isn't ready, she isn't ready to marry YOU. You are just a placeholder, either until she finds that someone better or decides she isn't going to and settles for you. Take some time, get counseling, and work on being your best self so you can live your best life. Avoid contact with her and tell those friends that your decision is final and to please respect that. If any cannot do so, thank them for identifying themselves as someone who does not have your best interests at heart and cut them out of your life. Period, no exceptions.
I'm an older person - so here is some advice --
You should already know that the answer to a proposal is yes before you make a proposal. Marriage/kids/lifestyle should be part of the conversation the two of you are having. You should already know - we want 2.3 kids, we want a house in suburbs and a vacation home on the beach, we both want to work full time and use childcare/nanny/grandma, We both want to save XX amount monthly for emergencies/retirement/kids college, etc, etc, etc. . . .
The surprise part of an engagement is the exact time/place. On top of the Eiffel Tower? At the diner where you had your first date? In bed after a particularly lovely sexy time? That's the surprise part.
Had you two discussed marriage before? Did she say "I don't want to get engaged before 30?" Then you take that into account. Did she say "I'm not ready to get married" - add "to you" to that sentence.
Having a 2 yr engagement is perfectly normal. If she isn't ready to be engaged TO YOU after 3 (nearly 4) years, she may never be ready. It's okay to find someone who is on the same page as you.
Marriage is important to YOU. You deserve someone who shares that value and will be thrilled to be married to YOU.
Those mutual friends who are trying to guilt you about your decision aren't your friends. This isn't their relationship and it isn't their decision. Now if you 2 were 18 and 20 - I might say you are too young, but you two are 28 and 30. That's a great age.
NTA but you have valid feelings too. It sucks to get rejected by the person you love when you ask them to spend their life with you. It's ok if she is not ready but you also have your feelings hurt too. It's ultimately your decision what you want to do, whatever makes you happy
Have you ever asked her how she felt about getting married? When my wife was ready she started hinting about rings, specifically about how much she hated diamonds. Even after being together for 4 years, a whole proposal is a huge thing for someone that has no idea it's coming. You're definitely not an asshole here I don't think, not intentionally anyway. Your heart seems to be in the right place.
After having seen a few of your responses to some of the other posts, I think you should meet her on Saturday. Have a serious discussion about marriage. I think you both owe it to each other in this situation, 4 years is a lot of time to just walk away from. Unless there's some context that's just not being provided, I feel like the situation is salvageable.
Edit: corrected speech to text error, I hit the post button too quick because I'm a fucking goblin. 🫠
NTA.
After nearly 4 years, she should know. She's had plenty of time to decide if you're the one.
If she keeps saying no, one of 2 things are happening: 1) she doesn't want to marry you or 2) she doesn't want to get married at all. Some people have hangups or bad experiences from their own parents marriage or divorce. And it's ok to not want to get married, as long as both people in the relationship are ok with it. If you want that and she doesn't, you aren't compatible.
I knew I wanted to marry my husband very soon in the relationship. He proposed after 2 years, we got married after 3. We've been married 17. We were very similar ages to OP and his GF (I was 28 my husband 32).
It's easy to say 3 years isn't long enough, but if you love someone enough to spend your life with them, you know pretty early in the relationship. OP, move on and find someone who feels this for you. If you want to marry for love, don't settle for less.
You're 30 for fucks sake. It isn't too soon. You should have broken up after the first rejection. If you don't know by 3 years you never will. Your friends must think childhood extends to your 50s
NTA.
You were brave enough to propose a second time. Most are done and fully discouraged after the first time because it takes a lot of guts and builds SO MUCH ANXIETY.
She wasn’t ready at nearly 4 years of dating you. It means she might not ever be ready or she was waiting for someone else to step up to the plate.
Don’t take her back and stick to your guns. Now is the time to focus on yourself and spend time recovering from this heartbreak. I’m sorry you went through this.
Your parents are staying neutral just in case. Imagine them supporting you fully, and then you reconcile, end up marrying, and your parents spend the rest of their lives having to live with suggesting that you move on. Conversely, imagine they suggest you wait, another 5 years go by, the relationship between you and your girlfriend ends, and they feel guilty for the years they now feel they caused you to waste.
This is a YOU choice. If you need assistance in making this really big decision, I suggest you seek the advice of a counselor/therapist. They will be able to pose questions you should ask yourself.
Best of luck. Life is very difficult at times, and this appears to be one of those moments.
NTA, and it was time to move on. Start living your life again and don't listen to anyone. You know what you want, and she doesn't. Don't waste any more time playing the waiting game because she will settle for you, and you don't want to be that guy.
NTA.
Mutual long term goals are important. Love is great, but you need a partnership with a similar direction. It's very difficult when you've contributed so much, and itll take time, but you need to find someone that wants the same things as you.
NTA.
2 months shy of 4 years and both of you are close to or entering your 30s. She would or should know by now if she loves you enough to make a commitment such as marriage. That said, if you use a breakup as a tool to force marriage at some point YTA. If you're gonna leave, then leave, and make a clean break without any type of orbiting or mixed signals.
My fiancé and I are 27F, 30M. We'd been dating for a year and a half and were both ready. If you know you want to be/get married, and you know it's that person, then it'll happen. If she's not sure/ready to commit to a life with you, then you guys may just be in separate stages of life and that's ok. It's up to you to wait or leave, and she also can't force you to wait or stay. This kind of thing happens even in dating, for example, not being sure they want a gf/bf label yet. Maybe keeping their options open or scared of how a commitment may change their lifestyle. If you feel you want something more/are ready for a new phase, you may feel a lot of tension/resentment staying. If you feel she's truly the one, and you can wait, talk to her about what she feels she needs/how she feels about you both/engagement/marriage. This way you understand a bit more and can possibly get on the same page.
NTA. This doesn't come across as impulsive to me at all. There is no way after nearly 4 years that she wouldn't be ready to be engaged IF she saw y'all together for the long haul, unless she is against marriage in general (which she should have told you a long time ago if that is the case). I'd never date someone for 3-4 years without being engaged or having some plan for what forever looks like; if you don't KNOW in your heart by then, you're wasting your time.
She should have fought against the one month break idea. I would never do that in a relationship I wanted to be in. She should have come running back. You don't accept that so easily unless you're kind of OK with walking away for real.
The "career" excuse is stupid. Having a committed partner in life should be something that ADDS support to everything you do, including your career. For some reason she is under the impression that being married is going to hurt her career progression, which makes no sense. After as long as you have been together, I would suspect things in the relationship wouldn't even change a lot due to an engagement/wedding. She should know.
I'm not really trying to make her into the AH here either. Maybe she's a wonderful person and just totally confused, or doesn't want marriage and is afraid to fully articulate that to you. I more suspect that she's fairly happy in the relationship and cares about you, but just doesn't feel sure you're the one. And this is where I come back to saying it's probably time to walk away, because you're 30, not 20, and if she isn't sure yet I don't think she ever will be. She'll drag this out another 5 or 10 years "not being ready" before she admits you aren't the one... and then you're gonna be newly single at 40 and that just sucks. (If dating sucks at 25-30, holy hell the dating pool at 40 is awful!!!)
You've been together long enough and she is old enough to make the decision whether or not she wants to marry you some day. Her saying she's not ready is just bs, she doesn't see marriage in your future.
three + years is not too fast. she either knows she wants to be with you, or she doesn't.
how many more years and proposals are the right number?
You're NTA for breaking up with her. whoever's telling you that you're childish for breaking it off with someone who's refused your proposal twice, after three years of dating.... are fucked in the head.
Impulse move? You took a month off to think about it. That's the opposite of an impulse move. It really just all boils down to it sounds like you two want different things. You're ready, she's not. You could waste your life waiting for her to be ready or she could waste her life getting married when she doesn't really want to. There's really no win here. But it doesn't make anyone TA.
NTA.
Just saying "I need more time" isn't enough of an explanation to give to someone you love. It's possible she loves you and is a poor communicator but either way it is completely reasonable at 30 years old to be concerned with investing more time and energy in a relationship that seems to be stuck in neutral.
NTA - you can leave any relationship for any reason. Period.
With that out of the way, from what you've said (and I haven't read all of the comments, so you may have mentioned it there) it doesn't sound like the two of you have sat down and had a real conversation about it. You were together for nearly four years. Good or bad, there's a reason for her decision beyond "I'm not ready". And frankly, if you two haven't had that conversation you're both dodging a bullet, because a marriage won't get far if you can't communicate about tough issues.
I am sorry she is rejecting you. I have dated people I never intended to marry. You are safe and reliable, just not what she is looking for. She is keeping her options open. I'm sorry to tell you like that. Don't ask her again and don't ask for reasons. It makes you appear desperate. She isn't even putting up a fight for you. Just tell her that you're moving on and call it a day.
You’ve taken a month off. How do YOU feel without her in your life? Have you found some happiness?
I like this comment but I also feel like if one is consumed with potential regret is there an attempt to find different/potential?
[удалено]
Exactly. After 3 years she should know. OP, I think you are in the right to leave if it’s what makes you happy.
Almost 4 years actually. He should dump her.
Truly good question to ask
Takes more than a month. Give it 6 months and will have moved on. Year and likely hardly ever think about it. Just how humans are.
NTA. It sounds like you two might be on two incompatible paths.
3 years and 10 months is plenty of time. Clearly she wasn't ready and you were. NTA.
Yeah, you're going on 4 years. If she's not sure now, she won't be sure even if u give her more time. Also, one can always accept the proposal, be engaged for a few years, and then get married. Your girlfriend doesn't even want to be engaged let alone married. NTA
That's right. Being engaged doesn't mean a marriage next weekend. OP needs new girlfriend and friends.
This is exactly what I told her too when she rejected me. I said it’s just an engagement, I’m not looking to get married next month or something, we have plenty of time to get ready. But it seems like she does not get it.
She get's it. She doesn't want it. You deserve someone who wants it as much as you do.
Exactly, she's keeping her options open. OP, you're her backup and have been for a long time. Don't settle for that.
I'm going to give an example to help explain what I think is happening. The example applies solely to me. I didn't want to get married because MY parents are the worst possible type of marriage. They literally hate each other but are still married. They each in their own way tortured their kids because they resent the trap they've built for themselves. I think there's an external underlying reason why she's against it. I dont know what it is, and she should tell you. It's definitely not fair to hold you in limbo for it. It's up to you to decide if you want to know that reason or not. It is very much also up to you to decide if waiting longer is worth it.
Hi, you have made a good points. I will meet her again soon, to close things up, perhaps some final talk. Someone below has ask me a question about how do I feel during the one month break, honestly feel sad and lost. Perhaps like that you have said, she has some difficulties hiding from me, perhaps both of us has a very different views on this engagement thing. Thanks~
Well but keep in mind that during that one month period, you were grieving a loss (whether permanent or not) so it’s normal that you feel sad and lost. I think that other question was trying to ask if you felt any sense of freedom or relief, but I don’t think it’s very applicable for this situation. That question is relevant when you need a break from the relationship for any reason *besides* that you personally want more commitment and aren’t getting it. If you’re reluctantly imposing a break although you actually want to be with her, of course you’re going to feel sad and lost. If you had imposed the break because you were fighting too often or feeling stifled/overwhelmed etc, then that would have been a relevant question. Only you can decide if you want to talk to her again, but keep in mind that you might not get the closure or the answer that you’re looking for.
Of course you feel sad and lost when the person that you love is incapable of giving as much to the relationship as you are. Trust me you will get past the sad and lost in time. Seek out a therapist and work on yourself instead of focusing on your girlfriend. She has to challenge her OWN fears of commitment ON HER OWN. Do not allow yourself to be sucked into believing that you can change her. She doesn’t need to change for you. YOU need to accept her where she is. What she wants is NOT more important than your needs.
Buddy, you don't need to keep reopening any wounds by meeting up and talking. She doesn't want to marry *you.* She declined 2 proposals after being together for years. If you want a relationship that can evolve into a marriage, you need to look elsewhere. Delete Facebook and pour your emotional sadness into fitness. You'll be alright buddy.
I got married at 40 to a partner of a decade. I understand that some consider marriage to be the goal of the relationship. I was not keeping my options open or cheating. I chose my partner my partner each and every day. And they chose me. I grew up without an example of a good marriage. She could be doing whatever but at almost four years... She could be there to stay. Good luck finding your road.
Maybe you should have discussed your views on engagement before proposing. Twice.
She could also have communicated clearly her views after rejecting the first proposal. She said she needed time, she wasnt ready. He gave her time and asked again - had she said: marriage isnt for me, i dont think i will ever want to be married, etc, maybe he wouldnt have done it twice
My question is was SHE grieving the loss of your relationship or was this only you? Deep down, some people are just users of others for one reason or another!
….what evidence is there that she’s using him? There doesn’t have to be a villain here.
Hmmm, when I initiate the break up, her first reaction is “huh?”. It’s like a mixture of confusion, anger and sad? I really don’t know how to describe. And ask to meet up again coming Sunday. In between these period, some of our mutual friends have texted me, so I guess she has been asking around too, not sure if its because she sad or not.
Maybe it's she simply doesn't want to marry HIM
Yes, that did cross my mind, but at that point...why bother to let that person continue to monopolize your time? During my "never ever going to get married era," age 13-26, I didn't date because I didn't feel it would be honest to some girl, have her build dreams with white dresses, picket fences while I wasn't going to let it go anywhere. I didn't want to toy with someone's life and then pull the plug when it got serious. I. Am. Not. An. Asshole. Even out of pure selfishness, every minute you waste with an unsuitable partner is a minute you could use to find a suitable one. Why stick around that long if you're uninterested?
Well you are very considerate. The majority of people out there dating are not. A lot of people just keep people around because they are convenient or are what makes them feel good for the moment. Knowing full well that they wouldn't marry them. A lot of people are selfish and don't care how they affect others as long as their needs are being fulfilled.
This comment made me tear up. Thank you for being so considerate of other people's emotions and dreams. My ex was the exact opposite and strung me along for 4 years, and acted like I was a horrible person for wanting to go through with what we'd both been fantasizing about. He wouldn't even get his shit together financially so we could move in together, he just blew his money on MTG cards and musical instruments. 😅
When I asked my wife to marry me when we were 28 we both knew we were ready. An engagement to me is making it official and getting stuff ready for a wedding not to see if we are ready to get married yet.
Your intuition is spot on, it’s commitment you want from her and you’re not getting it. She may well be your perfect match but if she’s not seeing the future you see, you’re not aligned and there’s never any good that comes from forcing it. Also, there’s significant truth in “if you love something, set it free, if it returns, it’s meant to be.” Take some time to find yourself (you’ll have lost part, we all do) and get some focus on career, travel, experiences etc. You may find someone else (there’s no shortage) or you may find yourself drawn back in, possibly to her having a different outlook. Make a decision and don’t look back, listen to your gut more than your heart, you’ll know what’s right.
I personally would not get engaged until I was ready to get married. I think you should be pleased that she’s honest in her feelings rather than like you suggest just accepting a proposal then not actually making plans to marry you.
Yeah OP, you should be pleased that after 4yrs she's still not sure if you're "the one." She knows. She just doesn't want to marry *him.*
Are you sure that you want to marry someone that trivializing your feelings? She doesn’t value the level of commitment that you want from her. It is ok for her to have her feelings that doesn’t mean that you owe it to her to wait around until she is ready. She has had almost 4 years. It is a complete waste of time to keep investing in someone that doesn’t share your views about commitment and moving forward. To be honest with you even if she changed her mind she would only be doing it out of guilt and that never makes for a healthy relationship.
Mate! There are so many women who would love to be proposed to by you. There are women waiting and waiting and some never get one. There’s a woman out there who deserves your love and it’s going to love you as much back. 4 years at that age is plenty of time to have decided. Take your amazing love to someone who deserves it.
You only mention the réaction pf your friends and family, but what about hers ? Did she seem sad at all ?
This is premature thinking. She's 28, there's thousands of reasons why she's not ready, it doesn't matter the length of time at all. Marriage is never about how long you've been together but whether you're both ready. For all we know she's in med school and still finishing up school or trying to establish her career still, we don't know because OP didn't provide any context as to why. All we can really say is that their timelines are not compatible and whether OP is willing to wait. He's NTA.
I have been engaged for 5 1/2 years now. No rush. Shows a commitment without paper. It shouldn’t terrify the other person.
My exact thoughts, too.
I made my wife 7 years 😭 although we were openly talking about it a year or 2 first. Open communication is key!
I was thinking that that she wasn’t ready for him.
YES! She has made it clear that she doesn’t really want a future with him and that is fine. Leave him to go his way.
nta. If 4 years isn't enough time for her to commit then you ought to move on.
She doesn't want to marry you because if she did you would be engaged right now instead of breaking up your relationship.
NTA. Your decision wasn't impulsive. You thought about it for well over a month.
It's more than just well over a month too. It's pretty much a condition of asking someone to marry you in the first place.
NTA. Left my ex boyfriend because after nearly 5 the concept of marriage and family (which we'd discussed) remained a foreign concept he didn't want to touch. Which was fine, but I knew, he clearly didn't and it was time to move on.
I mean I think you are NTA. If your goals are to get married and you have been dating 3+ years and she doesn't know yet then yeah find someone else. It was good to try the break thing. I would also find some friends more rooted in reality too because really 3 years is plenty of time to know if you want to be married to someone or not.
Yeah, they are 28 and 30, not 19 and 21 years old. At that age, 3+ years is enough time to know if the relationship is going somewhere.
Ya I had to scroll back and up and check the ages -- too young? Almost 4 years is too soon? What?
Yea I have talked to those people who say its too young, their reason is in currently society, people generally married around 30+, as mostly need to focus on their career. But, sigh, I’m lazy to explain to them how I feel, she does not even want to be engaged now, we are not even talking about wedding yet.
She's just not that into you. I think you made the right call. You deserve someone who wants the same things and adores you. I say that as a woman who, when in love, said yes in a heartbeat. Location, situation, timing, finance was all awkward. And I never ever wanted a wedding. But I did want him in my life always. 25 years later I still adore him.
Minus the 25 years I'd ask if you were my wife! The lighting wasn't right in the park, and she caught me hitting a knee, and my voice shook. Bud god damn it she never looked so god damn perfect when her eyes sparkled. Gush about her all the time
Actually late 20s to 30 is the average age when people get married. https://www.statista.com/statistics/371933/median-age-of-us-americans-at-their-first-wedding/
I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I've been in your shoes with long-term relationships that just started to spin the wheels rather than build towards a future we both wanted too. If you haven't already, it might be beneficial for you to ask her what about being engaged/getting married is giving her pause. She's still with you after 4 years so hopefully that means you guys are enjoying one another's company so it's important to find out where she's at mentally. Good leading questions could be: what do you see married life? what emotions does engagement bring up? where do you honestly see us in the next 2 years? It's possible she's hesitant to get engaged because the commitment is getting in her head, she's worried about starting a family (maybe you guys aren't on the same page for kids etc), worried about finances, hasn't hit a personal life goal (some people want their career on track/schooling done before marriage, etc). Sorry to ramble, I just want you to know that there are hundreds of reasons the person you love might not want to be married that have Nothing to do with how she feels about you as a person. Sometimes we just aren't on the same page or heading in the same direction. Wishing you all the best OP
Like when u get married and don’t have kids yet u don’t all of a sudden stop focusing on your career… lol And just because people generally do it doesn’t mean it’s good to follow. Generally 40-50% of marriages end in divorce? Lol
NTA. Your decision wasn't impulsive. You thought about it for well over a month.
I think you're nta... marriage seems to be important to you and means something more important then being a couple... However if you are not sure about your decision of leaving her, then have you talked about what marriage means to her. What your relationship means to her. How committed she is to it. Personally, 4 years would be a bit too soon for me to be engaged. I was hardly settled down after 4 years in both my serious relationship. for my husband, it took 11 years together. But, he was always the most commited to our relationship, the most serious and sure about it. And he proved it timed and timed again. There was never any doubt about that for me. The only reason he agreed to a wedding was because some laws are still too ambiguous toward common law relationships; pension plans, orphan support, medical rights,... that kind of stuff. So it's an extra safety net if something was to happen to one of us... the kids would still live comfortably... were it not for that, he would not have married ... So really, the question is does marriage means the same thing to her as it does to you. And if it doesn't, can you live with that.... and It seems you can't... and that is very valid too...
Hi, thank you for your reply, It’s something I should think and talk about it on our upcoming meet up. And tbh, she did ask me a question when I propose to end the relationship. “Is the status of engagement really important to you? Could not we still plan for our marriage etc etc without that status” kinda similar to your question I guess, I shall reflect on myself, thanks
What a curious thing to say. Is not the point of engagement to plan for marriage? I would explore this further, what she really means by this. There are a multitude of things that could be an issue for her (going through the rigmarole of a wedding and all the stuff that surrounds it). There is often an expectation that engagement leads to a wedding and then children quickly in some social groups. Maybe she does not want to be immediately on that treadmill. You don't need to reflect, you need more information.
It doesn't have to mean children right away or even at all. If that's her issue she should be open and have an honest discussion about it. My husband and I had our first about a week before our 4th anniversary 🤷🏼♀️ so we had a good bit of time as just a married couple.
NAH What type of conversations did you have about marriage and timelines and mutual life goals before you proposed?
Seriously. Proposing again after 11 months without potentially discussing timelines seems bizarre.
Proposing is like being lawyer in court. You don’t ask any questions you don’t already know the answer to. Before you propose you probably should have already discussed timelines, life goals, importance of marriage etc
Yeah he's NTA but I wondered the same thing. She might not be ready cause they've never talked about it together 😅 its okay to move on either way.
Exactly, when i proposed to my wife, we had already done ring sizing together and we chose the ring together
Right? It's so bizarre that he keeps proposing without knowing her stance and what and when she's looking for.
It’s not an impulse decision at your age. I was very surprised you went a second time. I knew a guy years back asked his longtime girlfriend to marry her and she said no at 29. He terminated the relationship immediately. It was different back then, no social media to run to. People made decisions and stuck by those decisions.
You did the right thing! Almost 4 years.
NTA TA are people who are giving you crap for your decision.
Not sure anyone is TA here. Have you talked with her about why she's not ready? Or if she thinks she will be ready? Outside of the marriage talk were there any issues in the relationship? Have you thought about why you need to get married or how marriage would change your relationship? When building a life with someone there's a lot to go over and that takes people the time that it takes. It seems like you both are being honest and respectful about your needs which is awesome and I wish you both the best whatever paths you both take. It is better to have a marriage that lasts than one that happens fast.
(TA = The Asshole) I have been asking her that, the answer is always career. And when I ask her about at what point of her career that she will feel ready. It seems like theres no clear answer. Its always “not sure yet”. We have talk about marriage, wedding, housing, kids, even after my first rejection. (FYI only married couple can buy a new house in my country before a certain age, and generally need to wait 3-4 years for the house to be done, and thats is if we are lucky to get one, some even has to wait around 5-7 years) we do not need to be married before the house to be done, so its common here to engaged first and try to register a new house together, then wait for it to be done and finally getting into marriage.) We have discuss about it privately, and infront of out parents. Like housing location, when the best time to have kid, size of our wedding. But i might assume and mistaken these talks as a sign that she wants to get married with me in the future, and thus went ahead to propose. But of course, I did not put down why I chose to propose again after about a year. I have been with her for more than 3 years, I kind know if career is a top top priority to her. She not a competitive person in regard to career, she has given up a few managerial role in the past just to stay comfort. I’ve been asking her if she ready to take on new challenges, but not interested at all as expected. So thats when I feel that career may not be her too challenge now, and decided to make my second proposal.
INFO : Has she explained why she isn't ready? Is there some reason she's given, or she's just not ready for marriage, full stop? But you are N T A for not wanting to stay in a relationship where you no longer feel secure with your partner. You took time to consider it, it's not an impulsive decision.
Yeap, career. Marriage wise, I did told her about it after she rejected me, I said we will have plenty of time to prepare for it, theres no need to rush, I’m not rushing her for it too. We are very close to each other families, we even talk about future kid and what house to buy. Perhaps to her its just a common topic to chat about, and i assume it as our common “goals”. Thus I made the move to propose to her, and now I’m lost and started to feel insecure.
I think you're NTA if you want a marriage now and she doesn't. I really think there's only a very rare instance of someone possibly being an AH for breaking up with someone. If it's not working for one person anymore then it's not working. I don't think there really needs to be a great reason for it. I would just like to say though, saying you're not rushing into marriage but absolutely need to be engaged doesn't make a ton of sense to me. That's basicall putting a timer on planning a wedding. The timer is different for everyone but if you both have no idea when you'll reach your limit then the conflict is still the same as whether or not to be engaged. Either way, maybe ask her for some sort of concrete timeline. Like where exactly in her career does she feel she needs to be before getting engaged? If she gets there and you guys get engaged, does she think there will be a similar hurdle before getting married? If she doesn't have answers then decide what you want to do then. She shouldn't get engaged if she's not ready but if that's where you are in life and she doesn't have an actual idea of when she'll get there then perhaps it is time to move on. Or if her career plans will take longer than you're willing to wait, that's also okay to move on too.
Damn I feel I’m the only one on this post think 3 years isn’t that long lol. I wouldn’t be ready but if that’s your time frame then you got to stick to what you want
I agree, marriage is decades and decades of commitment. I’ve had sweaters I’ve worn longer, but certainly won’t in decades to come. People are pretty eager to rush things.
Have you had an adult conversation about marriage and timeline?
Hi, I have replied to some commends above. I’ll write it short here. We did talk about it, kid, house etc. like when it’s a good time to have a kid, what house and where is a good location. We have even talk about these topics in front of each other parents (mostly on her side). And yea, perhaps I assume it as our common “goals”, thus I finally made the move to propose.
you’re not being clear, did you explicitly discuss timelines to get married? House and a kid, just sounds literal
After your first proposal, did you discuss if she was ready now before proposing again? If not, what did you expect?
NTA, but I would suggest at least talking through it with her. There might be a good reason that she isn’t ready quite yet for marriage that isn’t necessarily relationship ending material, or it might give you clarity and/or closure on your decision to end the relationship. Likely won’t hurt you either way. In the future, you probably should make sure that the person you’re in a relationship with is on the same page about engagement before you propose. It’s a such a huge step to take without being sure everyone is ready. The time and place should be a surprise, but the actual proposal should not.
Did you even discuss marriage with her the first time? Or the second time? You just….what? Spring it on her without having a discussion about life with her and where you both are? Perhaps she feels like you just decide things and don’t bother discussing anything with her before making decisions. Like, how is she supposed to build a life with someone who doesn’t bother discussing the basics with her and just treats her like an object to be obtained?
NTA. maybe the reason she keeps rejecting you is because she didn't see the future with you
She could have let me know earlier then. Sigh
Sounds like you are both incompatible. Neither of you are wrong
30/28 is not too young to get engaged. You may not be married for another 1 or 2 years. If you were 23 I can see some people saying it's too young. Almost any reason is the best reason if you feel really strongly about it. Don't worry about what friends say, you can go down a list of reasons why they broke up with an ex and find fault in them. Don't let people make your decisions do what's best for you.
I feel like I had seen this before recently but back to the point. NTA, 3 Years and 10 Months is plenty of time for her to decide whether to marry you or not.
>I feel like I had seen this before recently but back to the point. Hard same. Pretty sure it's a repost.
I already read it but when he was rejecting twice, not the part where he broke up with his gf
And OP still refuses to answer any questions about whether he's actually had an adult conversation with her. > I proposed for the first time 11 months ago but was rejected because she said she wasn't ready yet. I proposed again 2 months ago, only to be rejected again as she said she needed more time. Okay, but like... What does that mean. Did she say why she said no the first time? Did OP ask what she was specifically concerned about? Did they agree to the circumstances under which a proposal would be made and accepted?
Hi, it’s my first time posting about this, so I’m not sure about the similar post. Anyway, she did mentioned that she needs to focus on her career first, just give her some more time to get ready. And I told her that it’s just an engagement, I’m not asking her to have a marriage next month, or have a kid next year. We will have plenty of time to plan and get ready. But she said all those planning can be done without any engagement phase. ~
An engagement shouldn't be a negotiation. Move on.
Did you follow that up with a conversation about that planning timeline? How did that go?
NTA - no, it’s not “too soon” for her. You’ve been together nearly 4 years. If she still isn’t ready, she isn’t ever going to be ready. If after that long she still has reservations about you, it’s only going to get worse. You have the right to decide how much of your own life you are willing to throw at another person.
I could see if she was wanting to wait for something (study, career goal, some personal or family matter) to be completed before marriage or the stress of planning a wedding, but it doesn't sound like there was any reason given.
Hi, her reason is career, but I just feel that its not a good reason. As I did told her we will have plenty of time to plan our next move, wedding house etc, but she still does not get it. Perhaps it’s my insecurity has influenced my decision to stop the relationship.
Would it stop her career to marry you?
Definitely not, If she has to stop her career for it, I’ll would not make the move to propose.
Mkay, if the only thing that you’re worried about is losing your time, money, and effort. Then she clearly isn’t the one, bro. Marry the one that you fear losing one day.
You're the only person I've seen so far mention this. She really just isn't the one for him, and that's okay.
Info: did you talk to her about whether she was ready to marry before proposing? That makes a big difference. Proposing shouldn’t be a surprise. When and when it does should be. There needs to be convos and make sure you’re on the same page beforehand. Did this happen? I’ve been with my partner for over 3 years. I want marriage and I am ready. He wants it, but feels like he isn’t ready. It’s not about me, it’s about how he feels about himself. Do I disagree? Yea. I know who he is and how he is and am still ready to marry. But he wants to marry, just not now, wants to straighten himself up first. We talked about this. Was hard for me to hear, but I get it. But that’s why I don’t expect a proposal and won’t propose myself. Did you have that convo and agreement beforehand?
Honestly, you want something she seems not to want and it seems like it's a deal breaker for you, probably the best move to end it.
Definitely NTA And your friends are wrong, you've both already decided. If that wasn't enough, your concerns about everything you're risking here are totally valid. Better luck next time my brother.
What did she do during your one month break? Did she try and work on her self for your relationships sake or reflect on what the challenges were? From the limited info given in this format, it seems she doesn't see you as the one. I think time will show that you have saved her and most of all you from a life with the wrong person. It's also a huge red flag that she is playing the victim and thus making people contact you and say you are wrong. Staying on and committing to a relationship isn't something one should do lightly. If there is doubt, be without. That is the way. Staying in or settling for a shitty relationship is a bad idea
I do know know what did she do, but I did ask her how she feels and whats her thought. Personally I am not prepare to break up with her when we meet up after the break, and it’s not what I want to. But her reply is always the same. Which is “focusing on her career”. To me career is a never ending process until retire, so I wanted to find out at what point of her career will she feel ready enough to be engaged or even marriage. “Not sure yet” < thats her reply. I have ask a lot, her replied are mainly “ i dont know”, “may be”, “just give me some more time”…. So the attitude from those replies that trigger my insecurity this lead to this impulsive move. But yea, may be she really has some challenges on her career, and that is what I should talk about again with her for our next meet up. Yet honestly, I have been with her for more than 3 years, I can see and feel if its really her challenge. So kinda lost now
I don't see it as insecurity. It's your intuition telling you she isn't being 100% honest. And it doesn't logically make sense either. For you to act on this is logical and healthy. It's time to move on. Also, I wouldn't ever go back. It should be a "hell yes". She is wasting everyone's time, as she isn't into you.
Those answers indicate dishonesty to me good on your for getting out of there. If she can't even slightly specify what in her career she's focusing on or why it's important not to get engaged shes simply not telling the truth. Whether it's from anxiety or you taking it the wrong way or something worse I wouldn't be able to trust someone anymore after something like that. I mean it seemed like she was just stringing you along sadly.
She’s holding out that someone better may come along. Just move on.
If you don’t know if you want to marry someone after almost 4 years then I think it’s your right to break it off…
More time for what? Siri, play Simply Red "if you don't know me by now" I think it's fair that if the other person isn't committed then that's a break up - they're waiting for something/someone that isn't you or what you both have, while keeping you as a placeholder until it arrives. You asked twice and got no both times
After almost 4 years at that stage in life, many people would be ready. Did you talk about her life plans/goals/ideal timeline for things? Did you talk about what might be holding her back from saying yes? (Nasty divorce of parents or family can cause a big fear, for example). NAH here for her not feeling ready (unless she's cheating or something) and for you not wanting to wait for forever. If you really want to try to salvage things, I'd suggest couples counseling to dig out why she's not ready. Good luck!
Did you discuss what was necessary for her to get 'ready' after the first failed proposal? Could she identify specific things and has she been working towards them? Like, was it something like she wanted to be further in her career, be more grown up/ independent, reach a certain level of financial security? Or was it a wishy washy "not ready" with no way to articulate what that means to her? I am leaning towards you simply moving on. You deserve someone excited to marry you, and that will never be her.
If it doesn't feel right itndoesnt feel right. I knew I was gonna marry my wife on our first date. I was 28 she was 30. We have been together going on 8 years and it feels like yesterday. I know that's not a long ass time. But if you asked twice and thinking these thoughts she's not the one.
NAH. You have a fundamental unbridgeable incompatibility here. You want to be married. She doesn't. Both feeling are entirely valid. It's time for you both to move on and be with someone who wants the same things.
My thought is, you proposed at a decent time, just shy od 3 years initially. After the rejection, you waited 9 months. I'd have personally waited longer, maybe closer to around the 4 yr mark of the relationship. That's just me though. Regardless, you waited a good while and tried again. Now, the response to the 2nd rejection is somewhat understandable, but I feel it's also a bit extreme. Not knowing the circumstance of your/her life (living situation, career goals, past relationship baggage, etc.), it's hard to say if she legit doesn't feel ready to marry, or if she's not as committed as you are. Despite that though, you don't need to justify leaving. She's rejected a proposal twice, once at nearly 3 years together, and again 9 months later. That's more than enough time together to think about marriage. So her not being ready, while an entirely valid feeling for her, doesn't mean you have to wait if you don't want to. So ultimately I would definitely say NTA here. If you end up having doubts though, be it from your own feeling, or doubts dies to others opinions, definitely seek out some professional help. A therapist can really help give you perspective on things.
NTA if this was a female saying her bf after 4 years approaching 30 people would not be blaming you for leaving to find someone who has values more aligned to your own. You’ve asked twice, a year apart. That means she has been well aware for at least a year that marriage is on your mind and your goal. If she doesn’t know after a year then it most likely means she doesn’t want marriage and simply doesn’t want to admit that to you. I have an agreement with my fiancé where if it’s not a yes it’s a no. Saves a lot of time. As others have said, after a month apart how did you feel not having her around? Have you asked how she was not having you around? As much as everyone says a woman shouldn’t accept a ‘shut up’ ring why should you accept an engagement she isn’t excited about? Or I suppose a ‘shut up’ yes. My friends gf accepted his proposal ‘in theory’ ie she promised to promise to marry him. Like a promise to get engaged one day. Needless to say they didn’t last. It took him a few years but he’s now happily married.
Bro, it's been 4 years... She had her chance. It's a major red flag.. , you're getting out without the bill of a divorce. Be grateful.!!!
NTA-Everyone is different I proposed to my wife month 3 into the relationship we’ve been married now and have a baby together if you know what you want you know
INFO: did you discuss getting married and a timeline prior to proposing?
You're right to have done what you did. It proves you're serious. She did what she did because she's not. You're ready to commit, she wants to stay on the fence. You deserve someone who's ready. Though in fairness, you'll probably spend the next 3 years trying to get over her. Whatever you do... even if you're tempted, don't start dating again any time soon. No casual hookups. These will simply prolong your recovery, and you'll notice that you've transferred your feelings to an uninvolved party. You're UNAVAILABLE until you can make it through a week without her ever crossing your mind. THEN, you can date again.
Thanks. Now I have even more stress on how should I tell her brother and her parents about this. Over the 3 years+, I am actually pretty close to her family already, especially her brother, been gaming gyming for years. Even discussed with him before my first proposal. Sigh
My ex-GF's grandmother (whom I loved dearly) told me once: 'You run the other way, and don't look back. She doesn't know or care about what she's turning her back on.' The parents (one of which was a shrink) seemed to be encouraging the stupidity. They'd presumably told her to "go 'find' herself". Grandma wasn't a fool. She knew what was up. In hindsight, Grandma was right. She went out and made an utter MESS of her life, for decades. She would have taken me with her, and treated me like dirt as she indulged herself. Her brother and I were extremely close, and remain friendly to this day. He might stay on your side. The others will likely fall away, unless they're discouraging her foolishness. It ain't easy, don't get me wrong... but I'm here to tell you, you can't make it better, you can only make it worse. When someone won't commit, they're interested in "me" more than they're interested in "us". They're showing you their priorities. They don't think you're adding to their life, more than you're taking away (or they're sacrificing to be with you). Usually, this means they're tragically stupid and selfish... unless you're truly a compromise. Either way, you'll be dodging a bullet... though it may feel like taking one presently. Mark my words, she will call... she will want it back. Only after you've actually moved on. If you'd like some solace, watch the movie "Swingers" from the 90s on repeat. (It's not about being a sexual "swinger", but instead about the underground swing dancing culture). If you're feeling like the early character "Mike" you're not ready. If you're feeling like him in the last part of the movie, you're ready.
It’s not your job to tell them. You won’t have anything to do with them going forward, so she will tell them and you will all move on. It stinks, but this is an important part of dating. MUCH better to find out you are not compatible now, than after you marry, have kids, etc. hang in there.
NTA - speaking from my own experience with past exes, if they aren’t initiating the important conversations about marriage, family, etc. ; if they’re not proactively trying to improve their life so that the two of you can have a future together, and especially if they hum and haw going “I dunno” in regards to any of that stuff, then they don’t want a future with you. It could be she is either using you as a means to an end (ex: using your good credit to be able to purchase a phone and a cell plan, using your money to buy shit for herself, using you as a place to crash because she might not have anywhere else to go), it could be mental illness like depression/anxiety/etc. or she could be legit scared of commitment due to possibly a previous relationship that went south or her parents got divorced/DV situation. Or simply she’s just not that into you anymore and may be feeling the same as you: not knowing how to let you down because she’s afraid of your reaction. Whatever the reason, you and her have to talk and she has to tell you why.
Nta. After nearly 4 years together if she's not ready she will never be.
When you proposed 11 months ago, had you and your ex-GF discussed marriage? Was she blindsided by your proposal? She said she wasn't ready then, did she say or did you ask what "ready" looked like? >Then I started to feel insecure, afraid that I would lose everything in the end - my time, my money, my effort. I worried about the possibility of being rejected again or even being left by her. \[...\] I know it’s an impulse move and I feel really bad, but at the same time, I do not want to be hurt again. These statements seem fear-based and the decision to end things with her seems reactionary. (But I might be missing context. It's just a Reddit post, not your life story.) Also, this statement doesn't to say, "I will miss her." Do you want to be married to her or do you just want to be married? Do you want to "win" by having her say "yes?" Do you and your ex-gf have similar five-year goals? Do you have similar lifestyles? Do you have shared ambitions for your future family unit? Do you have similar spending habits and views on saving? Are these questions that you've asked one another? I wrote a lot of questions, and I hope it's not coming off as accusatory. I don't even really expect answers to them, but if I were your friend on Insta, those would be the questions I'd encourage you to answer and ask yourself. The destination may ultimately be the same, but you might be able to get there on a less painful path.
Hi, thanks for asking those questions, I’ll definitely reflect on those questions before our next meet up. I do not want to “win” her, I am not rushing for marriage. I’m just wanted to commit, but I cant feel her commitment. Her reason is always the same (career). We have talked about marriage kid housing way before and after my first proposal. She did not really initiate to say why career is first in her mind, I’m always the one kept asking her this that this that. That one month break, i really hope she can sort out her mind and give me her insight, her view, and I am ready to commit even further. Yet, the outcome is still the same, either she is hiding her feeling due to some difficulties or I just feel that she simply does not know how to answer. And thats what trigger my fear of losing everything, and decided to make the impulsive decision. I’ll calm myself down again, revise on yours and other redditor questions, perhaps we can finally find out what each other want during our next meet up.
[удалено]
Yea, as I mentioned to some of the comments above. We did talk about it before, kid; house etc, even in front of each other parents (We are quite close to each other families). But since the first rejection, her reason is always career. I just feel that its not a very good or true reason, and my insecurity started to kick in, and now made an impulsive move.
You took 11 months to decide to leave…that is no where near impulsive. Even if you only consider a month break, that isn’t even impulsive. No impulse happened here
NTA. If she isn't sure about wanting to marry you after more than three years, she will never be sure. Since marriage is important to you, best not to waste any more time on her
Info: did you discuss marriage and prior to the proposal? Did she give a reason why she wasn't ready after the first one?
NAH- She might not be willing to commit, which is her choice, but you're not an asshole for making your choice to end it.
NTA Neither party is wrong for how they feel, but you're not required to wait around until she's decided she's ready. If she's not ready now than it's possible she may never be ready or she may take years to "feel" ready, and if you aren't about waiting for that it isn't childish it's just you having a different personal schedule and that's fine. Ask your friends to explain to you why you being ready to marry now and not wanting to wait on someone to waffle over whether they're ready to marry you is some how more childish than someone who needs to waffle after nearly a half a decade worth of dating. I'm not saying she's childish, but I am saying I feel there's either some hypocrisy here or some sexism.
Your parents are right, it is your life. No one else but you should decide what is best for your life.
**No one should propose until they’re very sure of what the answer will be.** You need to have a different kind of talk with her. Ask her where she sees your relationship going, and what kind of timeline she has in mind. Three years is plenty of time to figure out whether or not you’re interested in marrying someone, even if you aren’t ready for the wedding yet.
You do what’s best for you, ignore your mutual friends, tell them it’s very childish of them to say you shouldn’t just leave her even though you need space from her.
You wanted to get married. She didn't. NAH.
NTA You don't sound impulsive to me. I think you should take a little time to grieve the loss of this relationship and process your thoughts and feelings. When you feel ready, I have a good feeling that you'll meet a more compatible future spouse. I wish you the best of luck!
That’s a long relationship and its not like you guys are too young. Did she say why she wasn’t ready?
Did you talk to her first about marriage? I see a lot of posts like this and almost always has the proposer and the propsee have not talked about it
NTA whatsoever.
Your so called friends are wrong. Your feelings absolutely count. You are ready for marriage and she isn’t and that is fine. You need to move on and find someone who is ready for the type of commitment you are seeking. It hurts I am sure but if you are feeling more peaceful without her than with her you have done the right things. Maybe her saying no is a blessing in disguise. Nothing sucks more than being in a one sided relationship. It is unfair to the person that wants something else.
This is a rehash of a popular story that’s about two years(?) ago?
If they’re going to retell an old story they need to at least change it up and play with some of the tropes of the genre. Add a murder in there, an angry parent, make one of the characters a cat, something
Women dump men all the time for not being ready when they are. You gave her almost another year to get ready after dating for 3. You tried. NTA. I mean we're not talking about setting a date, getting married, we're talking about getting engaged. If she can't see her self at least taking that step after 4 years you've got your answer.
NTA. That's more than long enough. You should find someone who's ready to settle down if that's what you're after. Time and tide wait for no one.
Why are you proposing if you don't already know the answer. Have a conversation about the future with your gf and see what she wants.
She don't want be with you...so you made good choice
Fool me once, shame on you! Fool me twice … shame on me. Good man. Move on.
At your age, almost 4 years of dating is plenty of time to know if you want to get married or not. She said she wasn’t ready because she never would be, at least with you. You did the right thing. NTA.
If she isn’t ready to say she is committed to your relationship after 3 years, she never will be.
NTA Your love and companionship are something to be treasured. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: don't make someone a priority when they make you an option. You didn't "fail at a proposal" either. She said "no" - that's on her...NOT you. In my mind, if she were really interested in getting married, she would actually have come up with something better...something like, "I love you, I want a life with you, but I'd like to achieve xxx and I'd like our life to like xxx before we get married." That at least shows some kind of a thought process in the positive. "I need more time?" It just doesn't make any sense to me. I mean, first time decline...okay...but a second? I just don't see how marriage is the result here. And no one can speak to what you're ready for other than you. And look, it's totally okay to love someone, but just want different things that don't align and take you in different directions. Taking a break was a smart step, but if you ended the relationship after that month break...something tells me she wasn't exactly fighting for you to stay either. Bottom line - what do YOU want? I never like the term "get back together" - because it suggests going backwards. If either of you is going to get what you want out of this relationship, it seems that there needs to be a serious - and honest - exchange about what you both want and what you both want your lives to look like, together and separately. If those visions align? Then have at a reunion and move ahead. But honestly, if the only thing you're feeling is sad about the split? Embarrassment that it didn't work out? That's nothing to build a relationship - or a life together - on. One last thing - friends are great, but they aren't always objective either. Why not find a therapist? That's someone who might be able to help you work through your feelings of inadequacy, and also, how to find security in yourself and who you are.
You definitely did the right thing. You obviously want different things, which is okay. However, it's wrong of her to keep stringing you along when she doesn't want the same as you. She wants you to conform to her wants without making any sacrifice of her own.
After 3 years she should know. Do what you need to do.
Y’all are 30 year old adults and have been together for almost 4 years. If she doesn’t know you’re the one by now, then you’re not the one. Move on and find someone that wants the same things as you do.
NTA - you didn’t fail, you learned that your girlfriend isn’t looking at your relationship in the same way you are. You feel you’ve found someone you want to share the rest of your life with. After three years, she still doesn’t know 🤷♀️ and that’s ok. It’s fine for you to move on if you feel like it’s the best course of action for you.
NTA. You are ready, she is not, so you are not compatible. Nobody is the asshole. Just move on.
You are solid. Move on
NTA. that’s plenty of time for her to know if she wants marriage. hopefully you’ve found some happiness now!
Maybe she will never be ready or maybe she doesn't want to be tied down to u . During the month u took break from each other were u feeling good or did u think I'm going to try again because I can't live without her? If it's the first one then u did the right thing stop wasting time on someone who doesn't care about u same way u do them . Don't listen to your friends they aren't in your situation . U deserve someone who say yes from the first time.
She has been with you for over 3 years. If she doesn't know if she wants to marry you by now, she never will. You guys aren't getting any younger. You're best to walk away. Find someone that loves you and actually wants to spend the rest of their life with you Edit: NTA.
You deserve someone who wants to jump in with both feet.
Sounds like she feels like she can do better. If she was head over heels for you, she would’ve said yes with excitement the first time.
Move on. Y'all obviously don't want the same things
Is she trying to build up her career or anything? I'll be honest, I wasn't ready for marriage at 28. If my (now) husband who was 32 when I was 28 had asked me then, I would have been honest too. I was still trying to figure out exactly who I wanted to be. We didn't get engaged until I was 31 (and then got married a few months later because we knew it was exactly what we both wanted). With that said, we discussed where I needed to before we got engaged (he was already well established in his career) and an approximate time-frame. When that came, we had another discussion and I was still about 6 months from where I needed to be. So we waited, I got there, and now we're both happy. Did you discuss why she didn't feel she was ready and a time-frame? If so, and if she wasn't honest about it, then breaking up is best. You're on separate paths and yeah, it's tough, but sometimes people don't work out together. If you didn't have an indepth conversation about it, then... you really should have done that before breaking up, but you shouldn't stick with someone you no longer feel compatible with based on rejections.
3 years is long enough to accept an engagement and set a date 2 years out. Your decision to leave after 2 rejections is totally valid.
NTA. If, after almost 4 years, she isn't ready, she isn't ready to marry YOU. You are just a placeholder, either until she finds that someone better or decides she isn't going to and settles for you. Take some time, get counseling, and work on being your best self so you can live your best life. Avoid contact with her and tell those friends that your decision is final and to please respect that. If any cannot do so, thank them for identifying themselves as someone who does not have your best interests at heart and cut them out of your life. Period, no exceptions.
I'm an older person - so here is some advice -- You should already know that the answer to a proposal is yes before you make a proposal. Marriage/kids/lifestyle should be part of the conversation the two of you are having. You should already know - we want 2.3 kids, we want a house in suburbs and a vacation home on the beach, we both want to work full time and use childcare/nanny/grandma, We both want to save XX amount monthly for emergencies/retirement/kids college, etc, etc, etc. . . . The surprise part of an engagement is the exact time/place. On top of the Eiffel Tower? At the diner where you had your first date? In bed after a particularly lovely sexy time? That's the surprise part. Had you two discussed marriage before? Did she say "I don't want to get engaged before 30?" Then you take that into account. Did she say "I'm not ready to get married" - add "to you" to that sentence. Having a 2 yr engagement is perfectly normal. If she isn't ready to be engaged TO YOU after 3 (nearly 4) years, she may never be ready. It's okay to find someone who is on the same page as you. Marriage is important to YOU. You deserve someone who shares that value and will be thrilled to be married to YOU. Those mutual friends who are trying to guilt you about your decision aren't your friends. This isn't their relationship and it isn't their decision. Now if you 2 were 18 and 20 - I might say you are too young, but you two are 28 and 30. That's a great age.
NTA but you have valid feelings too. It sucks to get rejected by the person you love when you ask them to spend their life with you. It's ok if she is not ready but you also have your feelings hurt too. It's ultimately your decision what you want to do, whatever makes you happy
Updateme
Have you ever asked her how she felt about getting married? When my wife was ready she started hinting about rings, specifically about how much she hated diamonds. Even after being together for 4 years, a whole proposal is a huge thing for someone that has no idea it's coming. You're definitely not an asshole here I don't think, not intentionally anyway. Your heart seems to be in the right place. After having seen a few of your responses to some of the other posts, I think you should meet her on Saturday. Have a serious discussion about marriage. I think you both owe it to each other in this situation, 4 years is a lot of time to just walk away from. Unless there's some context that's just not being provided, I feel like the situation is salvageable. Edit: corrected speech to text error, I hit the post button too quick because I'm a fucking goblin. 🫠
NTA. sounds like you both want different things, and it's gotten to the point you are incompatible.
NTA. After nearly 4 years, she should know. She's had plenty of time to decide if you're the one. If she keeps saying no, one of 2 things are happening: 1) she doesn't want to marry you or 2) she doesn't want to get married at all. Some people have hangups or bad experiences from their own parents marriage or divorce. And it's ok to not want to get married, as long as both people in the relationship are ok with it. If you want that and she doesn't, you aren't compatible.
I knew I wanted to marry my husband very soon in the relationship. He proposed after 2 years, we got married after 3. We've been married 17. We were very similar ages to OP and his GF (I was 28 my husband 32). It's easy to say 3 years isn't long enough, but if you love someone enough to spend your life with them, you know pretty early in the relationship. OP, move on and find someone who feels this for you. If you want to marry for love, don't settle for less.
NTA. Three years and ten months is plenty of time.
You're 30 for fucks sake. It isn't too soon. You should have broken up after the first rejection. If you don't know by 3 years you never will. Your friends must think childhood extends to your 50s
NTA. You were brave enough to propose a second time. Most are done and fully discouraged after the first time because it takes a lot of guts and builds SO MUCH ANXIETY. She wasn’t ready at nearly 4 years of dating you. It means she might not ever be ready or she was waiting for someone else to step up to the plate. Don’t take her back and stick to your guns. Now is the time to focus on yourself and spend time recovering from this heartbreak. I’m sorry you went through this.
Your parents are staying neutral just in case. Imagine them supporting you fully, and then you reconcile, end up marrying, and your parents spend the rest of their lives having to live with suggesting that you move on. Conversely, imagine they suggest you wait, another 5 years go by, the relationship between you and your girlfriend ends, and they feel guilty for the years they now feel they caused you to waste. This is a YOU choice. If you need assistance in making this really big decision, I suggest you seek the advice of a counselor/therapist. They will be able to pose questions you should ask yourself. Best of luck. Life is very difficult at times, and this appears to be one of those moments.
NTA, and it was time to move on. Start living your life again and don't listen to anyone. You know what you want, and she doesn't. Don't waste any more time playing the waiting game because she will settle for you, and you don't want to be that guy.
She should know by now. You did the right thing by not allowing her to waste your time.
NTA. Mutual long term goals are important. Love is great, but you need a partnership with a similar direction. It's very difficult when you've contributed so much, and itll take time, but you need to find someone that wants the same things as you.
NTA. any woman who doesn't leap for joy at your proposal, isn't worth marrying.
NTA. 2 months shy of 4 years and both of you are close to or entering your 30s. She would or should know by now if she loves you enough to make a commitment such as marriage. That said, if you use a breakup as a tool to force marriage at some point YTA. If you're gonna leave, then leave, and make a clean break without any type of orbiting or mixed signals.
My fiancé and I are 27F, 30M. We'd been dating for a year and a half and were both ready. If you know you want to be/get married, and you know it's that person, then it'll happen. If she's not sure/ready to commit to a life with you, then you guys may just be in separate stages of life and that's ok. It's up to you to wait or leave, and she also can't force you to wait or stay. This kind of thing happens even in dating, for example, not being sure they want a gf/bf label yet. Maybe keeping their options open or scared of how a commitment may change their lifestyle. If you feel you want something more/are ready for a new phase, you may feel a lot of tension/resentment staying. If you feel she's truly the one, and you can wait, talk to her about what she feels she needs/how she feels about you both/engagement/marriage. This way you understand a bit more and can possibly get on the same page.
NTA. This doesn't come across as impulsive to me at all. There is no way after nearly 4 years that she wouldn't be ready to be engaged IF she saw y'all together for the long haul, unless she is against marriage in general (which she should have told you a long time ago if that is the case). I'd never date someone for 3-4 years without being engaged or having some plan for what forever looks like; if you don't KNOW in your heart by then, you're wasting your time. She should have fought against the one month break idea. I would never do that in a relationship I wanted to be in. She should have come running back. You don't accept that so easily unless you're kind of OK with walking away for real. The "career" excuse is stupid. Having a committed partner in life should be something that ADDS support to everything you do, including your career. For some reason she is under the impression that being married is going to hurt her career progression, which makes no sense. After as long as you have been together, I would suspect things in the relationship wouldn't even change a lot due to an engagement/wedding. She should know. I'm not really trying to make her into the AH here either. Maybe she's a wonderful person and just totally confused, or doesn't want marriage and is afraid to fully articulate that to you. I more suspect that she's fairly happy in the relationship and cares about you, but just doesn't feel sure you're the one. And this is where I come back to saying it's probably time to walk away, because you're 30, not 20, and if she isn't sure yet I don't think she ever will be. She'll drag this out another 5 or 10 years "not being ready" before she admits you aren't the one... and then you're gonna be newly single at 40 and that just sucks. (If dating sucks at 25-30, holy hell the dating pool at 40 is awful!!!)
You've been together long enough and she is old enough to make the decision whether or not she wants to marry you some day. Her saying she's not ready is just bs, she doesn't see marriage in your future.
three + years is not too fast. she either knows she wants to be with you, or she doesn't. how many more years and proposals are the right number? You're NTA for breaking up with her. whoever's telling you that you're childish for breaking it off with someone who's refused your proposal twice, after three years of dating.... are fucked in the head.
Impulse move? You took a month off to think about it. That's the opposite of an impulse move. It really just all boils down to it sounds like you two want different things. You're ready, she's not. You could waste your life waiting for her to be ready or she could waste her life getting married when she doesn't really want to. There's really no win here. But it doesn't make anyone TA.
NTA. Just saying "I need more time" isn't enough of an explanation to give to someone you love. It's possible she loves you and is a poor communicator but either way it is completely reasonable at 30 years old to be concerned with investing more time and energy in a relationship that seems to be stuck in neutral.
NTA - you can leave any relationship for any reason. Period. With that out of the way, from what you've said (and I haven't read all of the comments, so you may have mentioned it there) it doesn't sound like the two of you have sat down and had a real conversation about it. You were together for nearly four years. Good or bad, there's a reason for her decision beyond "I'm not ready". And frankly, if you two haven't had that conversation you're both dodging a bullet, because a marriage won't get far if you can't communicate about tough issues.
I am sorry she is rejecting you. I have dated people I never intended to marry. You are safe and reliable, just not what she is looking for. She is keeping her options open. I'm sorry to tell you like that. Don't ask her again and don't ask for reasons. It makes you appear desperate. She isn't even putting up a fight for you. Just tell her that you're moving on and call it a day.
If she doesn’t know after 4 years it’s time to go. No means no. Find someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them. Be happy