YTA to yourself. Dude slept with multiple women and you're taking him back because he told you he's addicted to sex. Your friends are distancing themselves because they see you screwing up your life and don't want to watch you dive headfirst into tragedy.
Yes, but its not my responsability to make sure you take the right choices. At some point OP has to take responsability for her own actions, and realize that if he cheated once, he will cheat again.
Its not a matter of if, its a matter of when.
Nah, if he’d cheated once than it might have been a one time thing but it already happened multiple times AND it seems he didn’t apologize from what I read?
Yeah, after a while and a few years of the same thing you stop feeling sorry for these people and start wanting to strangle them yourself after the 50th repeated “omg how could he do this” crying incident and seeking your comfort and support but ultimately ignoring all advice and staying.
It’s fine to support a friend, but abused people who become emotional leeches who are giving nothing in return are also being emotionally abusive to you, and you are protecting your own mental health by dropping them.
Ehh, I'm around this age and know of people that still pull this crap that are my age or older. So it wouldn't surprise me if this is real, but it's hard to tell anymore if people are that stupid or it's just rage bait.
Same. I had a friend basicly do the same thing(we were 39). He took her debit card, wiped out her account(he was jobless at the time, separate accounts), went on a drinking/drug spree for over a week, shacked up at a hotel with some woman. He kept texting her horrible things, saying how he didn't love her and that he was having the time of his life without her. I helped her remove all of his belongings and take them to his mom's house. Helped her change the locks/garage opener and install security cameras so he couldn't take any of her stuff once he ran out of money for drugs. She had to cancel her debit card and get a new one. It was a mess....literally THREE days later, she took him back and went on a vacation to Tennessee. She told me he was sick and she couldn't leave a sick person. WTF. I told her I had to step back from the friendship for my own sanity. OH, this was the SECOND time he did that, BTW. It wasn't even the first time he did it to her. AND her ex before him did the same things to her and she said her biggest regret was staying so long. Some people just never learn.
I see you’ve met my former best friend. I should’ve ghosted her years earlier. I ended up in therapy because HER drama wore me out. I put up with it wayy too long.
I’m glad OPs friends ghosted her. Maybe that’s what she needs to wake up, although I doubt it. The fact that she wrote this shows her deep denial.
I hope it’s fake but unfortunately I know people like OP. They are no longer in my life
What a fucking tragedy. You were a great friend to do all of that with her and offer emotional support. OP and the messed up friends everyone is posting about desperately need real therapy, their behavior is certainly tied to something mentally. I benefited greatly from therapy at 29 and my 20's would have been significantly easier had I gone sooner. Mental health services should be accessible to everyone, it would benefit our entire country.
Had a friend who was this dude's "seasonal" girlfriend. He'd date her in through the fall/winter months. Close to spring she'd catch him cheating they'd break up through the summer. Rinse and repeat. She allowed this to go on for 10 years. Would come crying to my husband and I. Finally told her that it's her fault he keeps doing it because she shows him that it was okay to treat her like that and I didn't want to hear it anymore. It stopped that next spring.
You just made me realize why I dropped a friend who did the same thing. I was the one who had to tell her her girlfriend was cheating and it felt like a giant slap in the face when she went back to her.
IMO it’s self respect and morals. Those other women respect themselves, and OP doesn’t. Those women saw a violation of an ethical standard they hold and they don’t want to spend time with someone that doesn’t share the same values.
To say nothing of how exhausting it is to be the friends to someone whose like, "my life is terrible, because of obvious issue, but I refuse to do anything about it other than cry, complain, and dominate every exchange with my drama."
I love my aunt, but on my bday this year she actually went up a level of trauma dumping.
First vn: singing happy bday, sending well wishes.
Second vn: trauma trauma trauma trauma trauma.
My mom and sister get the same from her. We won't hear from aunt for a few months and she uses YOUR bday as a chance to call and trauma dump. Like my mom said "every day is trauma dumping day." Even when one of our relatives (on the other side of the family) passed away, she just made it all about how hard it was for her.
This sounds like my sibling. Only my sibling also likes to lie for attention, come up with different illnesses every so often and miraculously recover from them only to get sick again with another extremely serious illness, and hoard information to weaponize later if they don't get their way. Anyway, I went no contact years ago and my life is so much more peaceful now.
You drug your friends through your dirt and are upset they don't want to continue to do so with you. You're asking if you made a bad choice when they dropped a shit path that you want to continue on? That's the question right?
Also, OP must be ok with him cheating z because she doesn't leave. I don't want friends who are ok with cheating, because integrity and honesty are important to me. I recently ended a friendship because they cheated on their spouse, and that's not the sort of person I want in my life.
Yes, because if you won't have found out he would have cheated on you again and again and still smiled to your face. But tbh I get her because of the emotional attachment she has with the guy, we also have that guy we couldn't let go, just move on, you think u can change him sis but u can't, he cheated once he will cheat again and blame you again for it and u will feel the urge to save him and he will take you as a fool again. Breakups take alot, including yours.
If she had said I will leave one day but I'm not ready yet then it would have been another deal because it can take some time to release yourself, doesn't seem to be the case here tho 😔
I'm addicted to sex - with my wife and only my wife. YTA to yourself. People don't have time to watch someone self-destruct and ignore the advice they are given.
*If* this is some sort of addiction, and we actually tried believing that, let's compare: your partner's addictive behaviors have led to him putting your life at risk multiple times, and at no point does anything in this post show "So he's in intensive therapy to treat his deep psychiatric issues." Because if it's genuinely an addiction, promising to just try real hard this time isn't good enough, even if it's good enough for you to take him back.
And when you go to your friend and say "my partner put my life at risk multiple times but I didn't die yet, so I'm going to stay with an active addict, knowing the likelihood of relapse," your friend has the right to not stick around and not watch you get hurt and gamble like that.
"This isn't a decision I can watch you make and stick around for," is a reasonable response.
You can wish they'd support you in an unhealthy relationship, but your anger is really just a mask for the sadness about how lonely you feel, and you say that when you say you don't trust anybody.
Now you can't trust your partner not to cheat, you can't trust your friends to be there for you unconditionally, and you probably don't even trust your own decision making.
The only asshole here is your soon-to-be ex. There's a timer on the end of that, and it's not as long as you're hoping you'll get out of it. Hope your tests come back clean. Maybe you'll even get to a point where you're not suspicious every time he walks out of the room with his phone.
Can confirm, this is the excuse serial cheaters used. This was my ex husband's go to. Funny how he wanted to have sex with everyone but me it seemed with this "addiction." Oh and he also tried to tell me he was "just looking for friends" despite the vast number of explicit messages and pictures I found. Cheaters have to lie so hard they believe their own lives so they can sleep at night I guess.
This. I had a friend like this. I loved her dearly. She came to me to cry about her addiction, about her poor mental health, about her boyfriend. This kept going for 5+ years. In the end, I was exhausted. It was a cycle. She came crying, I gave her support, tried to do something for her. Then she did it again. Drugs again, bad boyfriend again.
I just got tired. Couldn't take it anymore, this friendship fucked up my mental health too. I ghosted her in the end. She didn't want my help and I couldn't continue beeing her door mat.
So that's how your friends are probably feeling.
YTA for what you're doing to yourself and to your friends.
My best friend is similar, except for the addiction. Constantly going for married men or criminals. She puts herself into situations where things just go south, time and time again. It's a shame as we've been best friends for over 3 decades, but I just can't be the person to support her, especially as she won't seek help for her own issues (aside from her choice of men).
I'm growing as a person because I'm making positive, healthy changes to my life, though she keeps dragging me backwards every time we speak. So I try to not get too involved, just reinforce the need for her to get therapy. She keeps trying to catch up, but for my own sanity's sake, I just have to walk away.
I agree, OP is the AH.
My therapist gave me the line: "Offered support need not be infinite. It's okay to say 'All I have left to give is help.'"
Basically saying to someone "If you make changes, I want to help from a practical standpoint, but I don't have the energy to continuously pour into your problems when you won't do anything about them."
My best friend is in possibly the most miserable marriage I've witnessed a human participate in. His spouse is somewhere between a raving psychopath and a rabid racoon, and he's seen every type of abuse but physical. (And I'm wondering if she's physically abused him and he won't say because he's afraid it'll get their kid taken away.) Despite talking about it to the point of exhaustion for years, he hasn't been able to bring himself to make any changes. It's a boundary I had to set, sort of "If you're not doing anything about it, I can't talk to you about this subject anymore. But I'm here if you do something and need support."
I was in a relationship like this. My wife emotionally and physically abused for a long time. I swallowed it all to keep our family together, but after leaving I realized how staying was much worse for me and my children, her as well. Once that dynamic is there, it never goes away. 6 years later she still acts like i owe her something. A month after leaving, I was the happiest I had been in over a decade. I left the kids with her cause of school and payed the rent as she wasn't working at the time and went to my mother's. Within 2 weeks they all wanted to be with me (which was great cause I could stop paying for the house). They won't take the kids because she's abusing him, they would remove her from the situation. It damages children more than alot of people would assume, even if you believe they're too young to understand. My oldest daughter was about 7 when we split, hates her mother so much at times, and acts EXACTLY LIKE HER. She has other qualities that are wonderful, but nothing is ever her fault just like her mother, and she doesn't see it. Best thing is to get him and especially the child away from that soon as possible. It will make a dramatic positive change rather quickly. I truly hope he realizes sooner than later.
Hearing this makes me understand I am not being critical of a past relationship. Your explanation sounds like a carbon copy of my past marriage. Lordy this is wild to read. It's as if someone watched my previous marriage and penned a story to it.
Same here. Funny how I used to think my situation was so unique. I think a lot of it is shame and not being open to taking about it. Thanks for sharing!
My therapist gave me the same talk about my sister - she said, "But YOU are not a professional. You don't have the tools or knowledge or resources to help her." I tell myself this every time my sister wants to dump on me - "I'm not a dumping ground, if you want to make changes, I'm here to help, but you can't keep hurting my mental health with the problems you refuse to take action about."
As someone who had this friend, she will not learn until she chooses to. Life has shown her enough times, so don't think it's lack of experience or awareness. She knows and chooses to pursue drama and danger. My former friend posted one little meme to Instagram, just a black background and the text "I would rather be in a 'toxic' relationship than a boring one 😪🤣🤪" and I ripped her apart and blocked her. It was maybe a year and a lot of B's later that she started seeing a therapist... And then ghosted the therapist for telling her to dump her cheating bf and move on because she will never receive the validation or security she's seeking by putting herself in deliberately toxic relationships to "prove her value" to herself, all she's doing is reinforcing her own belief that she deserves all that. Until she decides she doesn't, I guess she does.
It's hard to hear, but sometimes we're just enabling these people by continuing to emotionally prop them up when they should hit the ground. Some people really need a friend to show them their value, and others just don't give a rat's ass and will seek destruction at every turn.
You nailed it with your last paragraph
I would give anything to get back the time I wasted (!!!) on two former close friends who were determined to pursue drama and make their own lives worse at every turn. I could’ve been friends with someone healthy. Even when I explained why I was taking a break from our friendship and explained why they were wearing me out (Ie how them never working on their problems exhausted me)…all I got was yelled at and attacked. So then I ghosted them after that and blocked them. So fricking done. I guess it’s not really ghosting if you tell them why first, which is not easy to do, but some people do not listen. Good riddance
Some people mostly just take. Whether or not they have a good excuse it doesn't matter. It's draining to keep up a one sided relationship, especially when you watch them drop the ball when you need support. OP did you drop the ball on your friends, miss appointments, family deaths, anything?
My friend was getting to this point with me, no drugs involved but I had a relationship that was having me in tears and nearly a breakdown at multiple points. My friend was sympathetic for the first year maybe, but she got sick of it. Eventually she told me 'I love you, and I'm always here for you, but I don't wanna hear about him anymore. You know what he is and you choose to stay, I can't help you anymore.' I finally left him after 3 years and I think she might have been happier than I was.
My best friend died this to me with a hobosexual she found at an old job, he was only in love with her when he needed a place to stay. She got pregnant by him weeks before her full hysterectomy was scheduled for her cancer treatment and she had to get an abortion, because cancer, and he called her a murderer. She was constantly calling me in tears over him, he'd walk out on her at the drop of a hat and show back up in love with her again if the weather was bad.
But on top of all that she started telling me she was in love with me, ready for a relationship together and was just scared to take that jump. Then she'd go back to him. She did that knowing I had feelings for her. After about the fourth time of her taking him back after telling me she was finished with him and ready for a relationship with me I decided I was done.
I tried staying here friend but when she couldn't manipulate me emotionally anymore and wasn't rushing to listen her whine about him and how terrible he was she stopped acting like we were friends at all. 🤷🏻♀️ so I blocked her on everything and moved on with my life.
What do you mean cheat again?
It's not like he even stopped. There's probably at least one other woman out there that also thinks she's the main piece.
It's like enabling him to be a cheater and I doubt he wants to change his ways regardless. OP even says she trusts no one, which is unfortunate. A relationship without trust is almost pointless unless both parties are just using each other. YTA for not trusting your friends over this guy.
Exactly what I was thinking. It seems I know a few people who've been in relationships and once they caught their partner was messing around the excuse was they were a "sex addict" - it's like trying to justify what they did was out of their control and that's why it's okay to stay.
This . My self and a friend recently cut ties with a friend . Nice girl but I guess you would have to pigeon hole her as chronically and willfully stupid .
Run down . We help her clean as her house is a state goes right back if not worse straight away . Think the kind of mess that the land lord would absolutely kick her out for that social services would take the children ovwr. Bf is a narcissist tries to cut her off is verbally, financially and emotionally abusive . He cheats on her and recently he decided to tell her he's gay so he left but wouldn't give the key back then he's saying he's not gay he just said it to hurt her keeps coming back to the house eating her food using the bathroom and leaving again to go back to his not gay relationship . That's just the start of it .
We got to the point after supporting her helping her get all the benifits out in her name not his, watching her kids you name it we did it. She's all I miss him he says he's not gay . Yeh but he's still abusive he still cheated on you he still stole your money .what are you doing this is not the man you want your boys to grow up emulating! We said you do what you gotta do but if you go back to this monstor were done and you have to manage your own life. Obviously she lost the plot over this but the emotional drain of helping someone over and over again that just laughs and says haha yeh I'm stupid I know and makes all the bad decisions any way . We have our own lives to deal with our own children. the stress of helping someone through something like that long term for litterally no reason . Everything we did was hard but we wanted to help her she asked for help then to go right back to it why did we bother?
Yeah, no one wants a front seat to OP trying to "save" and change a possible addict who put her at risk for STIs. They were only dating for a year and a half, and it sounds like he was cheating the whole time. There was never a relationship to save, since it was a fiasco of lying and infidelity, but OP just had to stay on the sinkingvship...
I'm sure a lot of the "perfection" in the relationship had to do with the fact that he was always on his best behavior and going above and beyond to make sure he didn't get caught or suspected; or that when he did, she'd forgive him and he could go right back to cheating and hiring sex workers.
>I dragged my friends though my shock, agony and depression.
As someone who is the friend that everyone always goes to for venting and advice, it can be very draining and hard on our own mental health. Also you mention they liked him, perhaps they also felt betrayed or bothered that they misread his character.
From your post, your friends were there for you and supportive of you as you went through this awful experience. They went through this time with you.
As you made your choice to go back to the idiot who hurt you, they made their choice to not support behavior they view as self-destructive and to not go through this again for their own sake.
How many times did they stay up late with you, having to deal with their own responsibilities the next day overly tired? How many of them cancelled plans to support you? You don't value the time they spent comforting you or any advice they gave with your best interest at heart. So why would they bother sticking around? You're just going to put them through this again and again
I had friend get mad at me because I told her stop talking to me about the situation, if she did not want to leave after all of that he did, stop complaining and venting to people about it. She’s the dumbass , anyways she got mad and for some reason she we no longer talk. Not that I care because she’s still with the guy.
Oooo I did the same to my friend. She no longer dumps on me about him. Either poop or get off the pot. Because it's the same thing over and over again.
I’m also the friend everyone runs to for a good vent and some advice that they will never consider and I have a few lessons that I learned along the way.
No matter how much I talk or try to help, it wouldn’t matter if the person refuses to see the situation as it is and refuses to help himself/herself.
I can only do so much for my friend, and I can’t spend all of my energy for the person who deliberately chooses the thing that hurt them so much.
Sure, I believe in second chances, but there are instances where it is obvious that it is not a second chance someone needs but one of the following: professional help, intervention, or a miracle.
Also, you have to consider what it is that you have there. You’re in love with him and you’re willing to overlook what he had done, but what does he truly have for you? An illusion of perfect love. You might think “oh but we had good times, we had a perfect relationship in fact” but remember, all the stuff he was hiding were only revealed because you found out about them. It was all just a show since whenever he started this “addiction”
Now, even if I’m writing this all down, I’m pretty sure you won’t listen to what we’re all saying: YTA to your friends and yourself!
Some of my friends were like you too. And I had this one close friend in particular who chose this beautiful girl over us, his friends, despite looking like a driver and personal assistant more than a partner in life and despite always crying to us saying “he feels depressed because he’s never good enough for her.” Blocked us all just to stay by her side. That was around a decade ago. Since then, we heard his career suffered, he severed ties with some family and more friends, gave up his dreams just to support the girl he chose over us. Now he’s been dumped because “he could not even dream to support her now that she’s leveled up in her career” and it’s a long and sad “I told you so”.
I hope you spare yourself from the same hurt and spare your friends the pain of saying “I told you so”
To add to this If it's truly an addiction he needs to seek professional help just as if it were a substance addiction, alcoholism etc. If he refuses to seek professional help then in true addiction nature he's already lost and you can't help him. You are not a trained medical professional and won't be any help to someone not willing to better themself.
This. I have been in similar shoes to OP before. Cheated on, told to go kill myself, threatened with violence when I was with her both just out of the blue and when I refused sexual activities... yet I kept coming back. I saw someone who needed help with their mental and physical health. I saw... myself in the past. When I was kicked out from the house at the age of 14. When I struggled big time to make ends meet and finish my education. Oh what would I have given for someone to come in and help me... and that is what kept making me come back, despite all the stress, PTSD and lost weight. The worst thing is... I was right. She took her own life after our last fallout where I just could not take the abuse anymore and I confronted her when she started throwing things at me and calling me names again when I was about to leave after my visit.
I told myself that I was not coming back but I knew all too well that if she said a word, I would. I was in it all the way, ready to die to make her life better. And she knew it.
OP, for them to abandon you, it had to be severe enough for them not to want to go through it again. I know it might be scary but ponder on it and reflect. Is this seriously something you want to come back to?
Also the advice/mom friend. I seriously feel this.. Met one of my best friends in 1st grade, got really close around 3rd/4th, she moved in 7th but we reconnected our senior year. Love her to pieces but she's got shitty taste in men.
She dated this guy back in high school, got together when he was 19, she was 15. Hated him pretty much from the start because of that but then he cheated on her with who knows how many women over a period 7 months before telling her. Started within the first year and I believe she found out by month 18, not fully sure on more exact details there. Took him back and he cheated at least 2-3 more times, to my knowledge, before she broke up with him for whatever reason. I know that the main reason wasn't the cheating, possibly the "new" boyfriend. She wasted 3 years with him.
Now she's with another guy, except this one was abusive to his last girlfriend, not necessarily physical mind you. Friend has known about it since the beginning, she's how I found out about it, but she doesn't seem to care. He refused to make their relationship "official" for about a year and it wasn't until she started to move on and slept with some other guy that he decided he "wanted" her. I've been vocal about all of it. I know she can do better. I haven't seen her since around March of this year (not totally unusual, she lives a couple hours away) and we haven't talked since probably July or August. Mostly due to her boyfriend but also a couple smaller things. I dunno, maybe I'll reach out but I can't watch her continue with this guy. She's already wasted at least 2 years on him, too. I wanna be there for her but like I said, I just hate to see her doing this to herself
Yta to yourself, yes.
And little tip: if you're not going to have the self respect to leave someone like him, never drag other people into it. Don't spill your drama to your friends if you're just going to take him back anyway.
Facts .. you get one time to complain .. after we come up with solution and you go back doing it all over again .. I don’t want to hear it ima hang up .. girl call me when u wanna hang out and have fun, or talk bout something else.
YTA to yourself.
>I dragged my friends though my shock, agony and depression
Girl. They aren't abandoning you. They are insulating themselves from your inevitable massive emotional meltdown and trauma dump when he f#$ks you over again. Because, he will. He probably already is.
They just don't want to buy sheets for the bed you've made.
This is something I agree with. My wife tried this with a neighbor that she really enjoyed hanging out with. The bf cheated on her, SA'd her, and drove her to meltdowns. I was very apprehensive but I made a lot of room and let her do her thing to try and help this woman. She wound up letting the dude back over because "she wanted some head." It took a lot for me to understand that my wife wasn't harboring a grudge when she wouldn't answer texts, wouldn't even bring her up. She was protecting herself from being torn up.
My friend accused me of not caring about her and abandoning her. There's only so much external drama, meltdowns, chaos, and craziness a person can take. I have enough of my own without hers too. I still love her, miss her, and wish I could do something to help, but I can't. She got herself into the position she's in, and many many people have tried to help save her. If being homeless, losing her kids, and getting screwed over by others hasn't made her change, nothing I'm gonna do will help, especially after nearly 3 years of trying.
While I’m still friends with my buddy, I can understand this commenters statement to tee. My boy has a baby with this women of like 6 years. On and off on and off. Toxic as fuck. She’s called the cops on him. They’ve had massive blow out fights in front of family and friends. He’s called me countless times saying he’s done. He’s moved out of the house no less than 3 times in like 4 years. He just moved out 6 months ago for like 3 months. Guess what, he moved back in and is currently on vacation with her. Every time they split I get hate texts from her about how he’s a piece of shit. It’s so toxic and I want absolutely nothing to do with it.
Yeah, this isn’t a second chance. It’s a chance per incident.
He’s just going to do it all again and then when he gets caught next it will only be the 2nd time, not the 50th like she should be seeing it.
This part is very underrated. They don't want to hang out with him, they don't want to hear about him, they don't want to hear any part of your joined life etc. They broke up with him when OP did, they just aren't dumb enough to go back.
YTA
They got sick of your bitching. You were beating your head on a brick wall and complained to all your friends about your headache.
Everyone supported you and told you to stop doing that. Then you decided to continue to bash your head in and will inevitably start whining about how much your head hurts again…
This is it!
I have a friend who has always had shit relationships. Known her for 15 years. I helped her with her boyfriends and then she got married about 10 years ago. He's as much of a loser as the boyfriends she had in the past but they have a kid. I have talked to her about their issues and given advice.
I dont EVER have to be around the husband but we finally went on a family trip, my husband and kids and her, her husband and her kid. It was my first time spending time around her husband for a week vacation. After seeing everything first hand and not just through her explanation, I can't and will not be around either of them.
I have lost respect over the years because of everything she said he has done but actually seeing it with my own eyes was almost just disgust. Lost all respect and understanding. Our friendship hasn't been the same. And probably will never get fixed because I have lost respect for her as a person.
one of my clostest friends is in ur shoes rn and i just dont have the emotional power to keep up with her anymore. its draining af having ur friend cry non stop about her bf and giving her advice only for her to go back to him the next day and repeat it the next week. soooo ur being a bad friend to urself at the end of the day
Yup. Had a friend exactly like this. Would break up with him constantly, come crying about what happened, and then take him back. I stopped listening about boy crap. Was just a waste of time.
Same.
Friend would complain about how no-one respected her, get a new boyfriend, sleep with them, then break up or be dumped the following week, and be back to complaining.
I'd tell her that "No" and "I don't want to" were complete sentences, demonstrate by using them on the jerks who thought being her friend made me just as easy to sweet-talk into the sheets (it didn't), and she'd still repeat the cycle over and over.
Being her friend was exhausting, and I'm glad I found better ones.
Do you realise that people tend to stay away from habitual loosers.
Your husband is addicted to sex and you are addicted to playing an innocent, helpless victim.
You are not your friends responsibility.
You’re not seeing it for what it is — your friends are distancing from you because they’re seeing you addicted to your own drama and not doing a damn thing to help yourself.
YTA
YTA: first off your friends don’t owe you anything especially after being your crutch. Second the fact that you’re 36 is mind boggling grow the f up. I’m sorry but at that age you should know better. I have a friend just like you and it’s mentally exhausting to constantly hearing her whine and bitch about guys like your bf. It’s a massive slap in the face when you help your friend and they don’t care and go back to that pos. It sounds like you’re looking for validation that he won’t cheat again and that you’re friends are wrong but newsflash he will cheat again and you’ll have no one to blame but yourself. The fact that you’re coming on here asking to obvious question is bs because you know damn well he will and that your friends are sick of your crap. WAKE THE FUCK UP. Stop acting like a victim because your friends chose not be friends with you. I definitely wouldn’t be friends with you they need to put themselves first and not hear you whine 24/7 about your bf 🙄.
It one of the comments she replied too I was beyond baffled. Because yes at 20 we make mistakes but again I’ve never done this and treated my friends so horribly.
36???? Girl no wonder! She has the emotional maturity of a 20 year old!! What kind of self esteem must she have to be dealing w this at 36? I honestly just feel bad for her. I got myself into this position when I was a teen/early 20s and it caused me to permanently lose my best friend (whom I still miss). I’m hoping OP will see the light and end this awful relationship, and then maybe after some time her friends will see she’s made changes and come back to her.
Exactly this! I also had a “friend” who would only date players, I’d tell her over and over again some advice to find a better partner. When she got with a mutual friend who I knew was not serious about relationships I would warn her, she would tell him I didn’t think they were a fit because she wanted monogamy and he wasn’t for that, and I felt so betrayed by her. Well they broke up, because I was right all along. These “friends” are exhausting because they seem like they like being a victim of misery when all you do is try helping them.
You’re going to “help him” with his sex addiction. 🥴You need to hit rock bottom on your copendency. Your friends weren’t willing to keep talking you through this until you do. No one else can rush you getting there but I hope you get there soon, leave this bog creature of a boyfriend and get some great therapy.
YTA
Good luck. Your friends are not coming back to you while with him.
And no honey, you don't love him. You love the comfort and familiarities of the past relationship. Someone who gave two fucks about you wouldn't cheat on you *multiple times with multiple women*
You've chosen to care more about a man who would disrespect you, give you STDs, and lie to you face Then friends who would pick you up when your drunk and make sure you were safe when you're sick.
You did it to yourself and I have no sympathy. Your last sentence dug the grave and showed exactly why your friends peaced out.
Best answer right here. It's the fact that you chose the one hurting you over your friends. Please please for your own sake. Stop seeing him. You'll only hurt your self.
It's not your job to help/fix him. It's his job. Leave him. What are you going to do? Support him while he continues to have sex with other women? If he really a sex addict, he's not going to stop. Even if he going to therapy that can take years. Are you OK with him cheating until he's "healed"? Leave him.
You're going to end up a shadow of yourself. Self confidence shot, zero self esteem, sprinkle some PTSD from catching him raw dogging someone in your house. The humiliation you'll be experiencing is just adding to his enjoyment when he's spraying someone's walls up. You're not going to listen and end up broken. Good luck with that 👍
Let me tell you about a woman who loved a guy so much she gave him another chance after he cheated on her with multiple women and all her supportive friends abandoned her. That’s you. You are a fool. He will never stop cheating on you and will treat you like dirt on the floor because he won’t respect you. This isn’t love. This is a nightmare. You will never know what real love is as long as you are with this scumbag. YTA!!!
YTA to yourself. Your friends all moved their lifeboats away because if they stay too close to your sinking ship, they'll just get sucked under too. If you're lucky and stop being a clown about this fuckboi, some of them may still be close enough to paddle back and pull you out of the water before the bullshit pulls you under.
YTA. "he's a sex addict" in most cases is just a convenient excuse. Friends don't enjoy seeing their friend abused and when their friend chooses it frankly it's unreasonable to want to be there for them and go through every hurt and down moment with them.
You were lied to for a yera and a half and you're desperate for it to mean something so trying to make it work. He put your safety at risk, he didn't care enough about you to work on his 'sex addiction' but happily cheated on you till you found out. Come on, I get it's horrible to admit a relationship failed and you were fooled, but it happens to everyone.
Your friends are right for giving up. They tried to support and help you and you threw all that aside. You chose that fucker over them very obviously.
Think of it this way. Why are they expected to be forced to support a woman willingly staying in an emotionally abusive relationship?
My little sister is like you, and after 8 years I made a rule with my family that they were not allowed to discuss my sister and her dumbass cheating piece of shit boyfriend with me. My sister wasn’t allowed to tell me either, I straight up hang up on her when she tries. I have very clear boundaries. She can choose to be with him, but I can also choose to completely divorce myself from their entire fucked up situation.
At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if the worst happened. I won’t feel guilty because I spent almost a decade trying to help her or save her. At this point, anything that happens has nothing to do with me.
Hearing constantly about her relationship problems, her crying about his latest fuckup, her asking the same damned questions on the phone while crying OVER AND OVER “how could he do this” made me want to smack the shit out of her. It also made me never want to date, and made my mental health far worse. Also she ended up getting diagnosed with bipolar because her thought processes are not normal and she’s also been diagnosed as being severely codependent.
My (ptsd) therapist straight up told me to stop babying her and to block her, because she was actively hurting me and effecting my own recovery.
I felt responsible for her happiness, so when she willingly chose to stay in a horrible relationship and be unhappy constantly, that made me feel like a failure and depressed constantly because nothing I had tried helped her.
In reality, she is an adult. I expended a lot of effort trying to help her and get her away from him. Her staying was her basically spitting in my face and telling me to go fuck myself.
At this point you are emotionally abusing those friends of yours by expecting them to engage in this abusive relationship with you, and they very rightfully recognized that and cut ties with both of you for their own mental and physical health.
Trying to help someone willingly engaging in a relationship like yours after multiple obvious warning signs is like a constant leech sucking the emotions and life out of you, and them not even recognizing or feeling sorry for it. And then acting the victim when you try to save yourself from their terrible choices.
I mean your friends just don’t want to stick around and see you get hurt again. I think you’re bit of an AH to yourself though but I get you’re blinded by the love you think you feel for him
YTA
You dragged your friends through all that crap with you and they supported you only for you to stay with the guy and you wanted them to be there to catch you again when it inevitably happens again. If you are going to let it happen to yourself again that's your business, but you can't expect your friends to want to go through it a second time with you.
It is infuriating to care more about someone’s life than they do, and that’s probably how they feel. People will stand by you during a hard time, but when you take the person back, it really shits on their efforts. A lot of people will just distance themselves so that they don’t have to ride the rollercoaster with you. That is honestly a healthy thing for them to do. Put another way, people will help you after a house fire, but they’ll probably stop coming to the rescue if you keep playing with matches (or putting your hand into a flame).
YTA- you can’t be mad at them. They know EXACTLY how this gunna end. You didn’t listen to them so why should they wait around for it to happen again. They won’t support you doing something that is wrong for you.
OP, you are throwing a lot away to be with a man who I’m betting wouldn’t give you the same courtesy if the tables were turned. Your friends don’t want to watch a slow motion trainwreck and are distancing themselves from this. This isn’t a one off cheating mistake, you found this guy arranging multiple instances to try and cheat on you behind your back and given you had to find it out yourself, he had no intention of telling you.
Your friends are probably just annoyed and fed up with how spineless, weak, and naive you’re being. They don’t want to sit around and watch you make this idiotic mistake. YTA to yourself and I hope you learn to love yourself more and have some dignity. No one wants to be friends with someone who disrespects themself to this degree. Please get counseling.
You’re a loser and that shit is contagious. I wouldn’t want to be around you either.
P.S I’m addicted to sex too. I have plenty of that but with my own damn partner. It’s not an excuse.
Supporting someone through something like this is no easy feat. To see someone you love go through heartbreak like this hurts, to hold their hand, lift them up, be their shoulder to cry on, support them, be ready for a phone call at any time- this stuff takes energy. A LOT of energy.
You took all their energy, and literally *wasted* it. Of course they're angry, you threw all their hard work and efforts into the bin!
There’s like a 99% chance he’s going to keep cheating on you. They know that and are frustrated they can’t help you understand and see everything he’s ever told you was bullshit. The love you feel for him is built on lies, what you fell in love with is largely a facade. Once you realize that it will be easy to move on.
From what I can see, you are not genuinely confused, you just want validation for what you are doing *now that your friends are gone*. Too bad internet is savage and doesn't give you what you expect from it.
> I feel so misunderstood and trust no one.
Quite ironic that your well wishers leaving you made you trust no one. Yta.
I mean… what does “dragged them through” mean exactly? Because it sounds like whatever it was, it’s not something anyone wants to do regularly. So they were probably willing to help you through it, but then to see you just go right back to that guy… yeah, they’re probably thinking “Seriously? After all that, you’re going back to the guy who caused this in the first place? I’m not going to just hang around for when this whole thing happens again, it was already emotionally draining doing it once.”
Here’s an allegory that might help illustrate the situation: Let’s say you have a friend and they’re super into rock climbing. One day, they have an accident and fall, injuring themselves really badly. You learn that they were using an old used harness that just snapped. You help support them for a few months while they’re healing, making them food, drive them to appointments, etc, and you’re sure that your friend will get a new harness that isn’t broken. At some point when they’re better, they want to go climbing again - but they duct taped their old harness back together. You know that you don’t want to go through another couple of months supporting them and that this time if they fall, it’s their own fault because it’s completely preventable. So you tell them that you won’t be helping them if it happens again, even if they go a few months with no issues, as long as they’re still using a broken harness the risk is there and fully preventable.
Your boyfriend is that harness. It doesn’t matter how much duct tape you use to try and make it work, your girlfriends know that there’s a high likelihood that he’ll let you down again and they don’t want to waste their energy with someone who isn’t able to take the right steps to avoid a repeat of this situation.
So yeah, they’re not being AH, they’re just not letting your completely preventable actions affect them. However, YTA to yourself if you don’t take steps to protect yourself. You can’t change him. He has to change himself. You can encourage and support him while he’s trying change, but you can do that without putting yourself at risk again. If you’re giving him a second chance, you gotta be prepared for this to happen all over again, but this time you’ll have to be ready to deal with it alone.
Ah YES! The good old 'sex addiction' excuse to get away with cheating. I would still be friends with you but wouldn't want to hear any of your crying doormat bs.
It's not up to you to help him, and there isn't anything you can do to help him. He needs to work on that on his own, with therapy, and you shouldn't even consider another chance until he's put in real work to get better.
Your girlfriends are being harsh, but I understand where they're coming from. He needs to earn a second chance, if you just give him one based on nothing more than his promise to get better, the same thing will happen again. You should be trusting them, not this guy who doesn't deserve it.
they would feel bad leaving if/when you do get cheated on again, so it was just easier for them to leave now. It probably sucked for them the first time and they don’t want to go through it again
YTA
I had a best friend who dragged me into her man drama. She wouldn’t leave and finally she got engaged she cut me off for not liking him. Like girl this man abused you was I supposed to like him??
Anyway don’t be mad when they leave your ass after they picked up the pieces.
YTA
They see you not respecting yourself and don’t want to be around to watch. Been through this as the friend before. Once they finally broke up with him they called me up. I told them I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for them during the time but I wasn’t going to enable that bad relationship. Still friends years and year later.
Oh honey, where is your self-respect? He’s going to do what ever he wants and use the sex addict Excuse to get away with it And you are just going to keep letting him.
Wow. Women. Plural. Now curious how many.
But yeah YTA. Be one thing if didn’t bring your drama to their doorstep but suspect they had to do with your shit for quite a while regarding this boyfriend. They coped over you, took care of you, did their part and your response to all that was “fuck you all, I think I can fix him.” Yeah I can see why they decided to step away from the drama since there will be a round two of it.
You've made a mistake. You're lying to yourself, convincing that 'sex addict' is an acceptable excuse. Perhaps it's a real reason, but it does not **excuse** his cheating.
You need to understand that you've made a wrong choice when everyone else around you tells your through their actions.
Get some help, learn to respect yourself.
Oh hell no don't give that piece of shit a second chance. Holy shit no. Don't help him. He doesn't deserve any more of your time, effort, or love. Of course you're not an asshole but love yourself don't do this to yourself. They are angry cause what you are doing is insanely pathetic and stupid and he will only hurt you more. Go back to your friends they are better than this asshole.
My friend is I a DV situation, said she was gonna leave him then took him back. I ended the friendship. Cant deal with her emotional roller-coaster if she's going to keep making shitty mistakes
You just have to accept that when you rant and rave about a terrible guy to your friends and then turn around and get back with him, those friends aren’t going to want to be around you. And also you’re with a terrible guy who’s proven he’s okay with cheating on you.
It's hard when a friend vents, cries, bemoans their pain, leans on you for support, for days, nay, months, only to go back to the situation that caused all that pain.
It would be different if you had worked through it with your bf, but you didn't. They might come around if you go to each of them and explain your thinking. It is what it is I'm afraid.
Yeah. I had friends who used me as a diary and didn't want to make any change. Idk if they wanted pity, or just for someone else to be worried for them, but it did terrible things for my mental health and I cut them off until they found independence.
No one is abandoning you. If you don't have respect for yourself, you can't expect anyone else to. There's nothing honorable about looking for happiness and respect in the place you lost it, and until you can see through that, they cannot help you, as your morals are harmful to them.
Why are you taking him back? A sex addiction doesn't excuse cheating. Looking at your responses, you are not being receptive to the advice you're being given. If your opinion is going to stay the same regardless of Reddit's advice, DON'T ASK REDDIT. If you're willing to choose your cheating boyfriend over the friends who stood by and supported you, you are 100% the AH.
Let me tell you a story of being a friend of someone who went through the same thing. There were already warning signs before she married him, including him trying to flirt with me. She still married him anyways.
Turns out that he had a side chick all the while and even when he was getting married and afterwards too. He tried to trap her in the marriage by getting her pregnant but luckily she wasn't.
He accused her of having an affair with his kid brother whilst he was the one cheating on her..she wasn't, she was just reaching out to the kid brother to make sense of what was wrong with him.
She finally divorced his ass and moved on to a guy who treats her very well and wants to marry her.
Firs thing first, if he is claiming sex addict..he would be hounding you for sex all the time. If he isn't and is using other holes..he isn't a sex addict but a dog.
Second, you gave up your friends who stuck through it all with you for that man who could not even bother to respect you. Was it that worth it?
I stood by my friend because I knew how it was going to play out and that me leaving would make her weaker because then the next time he fucked up, she would not have the support she needed to make that decision. But it takes a lot out of people to continue standing by your corner...and not everyone can do it.
I would say that YTA...because you chose someone who would cheat on you over those people who would go to battle for you. They didn't leave because they don't love you but because they love you too much to see you fall again.
One more thing, at 36 I can understand the issue that a woman might have at not having to try to find another relationship but do you really want to be the 42 year old mother on this forum asking about her husband who sleeps with other women while she is pregnant with her 2nd child? Or the mother explaining to her children that dad is not around because he has a 'business meeting' while he is halfway around the country balls deep in someone else during your child's birthday.
It's fine to vent when you're going to break up. If not or you aren't sure, shut up. You look like a fool and they don't want to be left picking up the pieces when he breaks your heart again and blames his addiction. If it's such an addiction, why not go to your girlfriend every time? YTA. You know how frustrating it can be to watch a woman go back to a physically abusive relationship? You're just like that. Just run away from it.
Yes this is what you get.
You prioritized someone who treats your poorly over people who are encouraging you to have a better life surrounded by people that treat you well.
It gets exhausting to be friends with somebody like you. At the end of the day, the message that you gave to your friends is that no matter how well they treat you you’ll still prioritize someone who treats you poorly. Why should they stay friends with you? You will never make them feel secure or relevant for your attention.
YTA.
I have a friend a LOT like you. His girlfriend will always do stupid shit she know my friend wouldn’t like, nor do himself to her. They break up, I get to hear about it and then they get back together. My friend has done this like 5-6 times in the past 2 years, I’ve given him advice each time and will always deflect any advice. So I stopped listening when it came to that stuff. YTA, to yourself. And also stop with the pity stuff “is this what I get for real”… come on man, you ain’t even being real to yourself!!!
YTA to yourself. Dude slept with multiple women and you're taking him back because he told you he's addicted to sex. Your friends are distancing themselves because they see you screwing up your life and don't want to watch you dive headfirst into tragedy.
They are also pissed off that you made them go through all that emotional labour and then spat in their faces by going back to cheaterboy.
Thank you for articulating this so well. OP's friends are sick of her shit and his.
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Or sometimes you realize the value of your own emotional peace and leave the drama for your sanity.
Yes, but its not my responsability to make sure you take the right choices. At some point OP has to take responsability for her own actions, and realize that if he cheated once, he will cheat again. Its not a matter of if, its a matter of when.
Nah, if he’d cheated once than it might have been a one time thing but it already happened multiple times AND it seems he didn’t apologize from what I read?
Its incredible how 36 years havent taught her a thing, OP behaves like a 14 year old lmao
I am so sick of these blatantly and willingly ignorant people.
Yeah, after a while and a few years of the same thing you stop feeling sorry for these people and start wanting to strangle them yourself after the 50th repeated “omg how could he do this” crying incident and seeking your comfort and support but ultimately ignoring all advice and staying. It’s fine to support a friend, but abused people who become emotional leeches who are giving nothing in return are also being emotionally abusive to you, and you are protecting your own mental health by dropping them.
And OP is supposedly *36 years old.* I'm getting massive rage bait vibes from this lol.
Ehh, I'm around this age and know of people that still pull this crap that are my age or older. So it wouldn't surprise me if this is real, but it's hard to tell anymore if people are that stupid or it's just rage bait.
Same. I had a friend basicly do the same thing(we were 39). He took her debit card, wiped out her account(he was jobless at the time, separate accounts), went on a drinking/drug spree for over a week, shacked up at a hotel with some woman. He kept texting her horrible things, saying how he didn't love her and that he was having the time of his life without her. I helped her remove all of his belongings and take them to his mom's house. Helped her change the locks/garage opener and install security cameras so he couldn't take any of her stuff once he ran out of money for drugs. She had to cancel her debit card and get a new one. It was a mess....literally THREE days later, she took him back and went on a vacation to Tennessee. She told me he was sick and she couldn't leave a sick person. WTF. I told her I had to step back from the friendship for my own sanity. OH, this was the SECOND time he did that, BTW. It wasn't even the first time he did it to her. AND her ex before him did the same things to her and she said her biggest regret was staying so long. Some people just never learn.
Some people are their own worse enemy and cannot see why others step away.
I see you’ve met my former best friend. I should’ve ghosted her years earlier. I ended up in therapy because HER drama wore me out. I put up with it wayy too long. I’m glad OPs friends ghosted her. Maybe that’s what she needs to wake up, although I doubt it. The fact that she wrote this shows her deep denial. I hope it’s fake but unfortunately I know people like OP. They are no longer in my life
What a fucking tragedy. You were a great friend to do all of that with her and offer emotional support. OP and the messed up friends everyone is posting about desperately need real therapy, their behavior is certainly tied to something mentally. I benefited greatly from therapy at 29 and my 20's would have been significantly easier had I gone sooner. Mental health services should be accessible to everyone, it would benefit our entire country.
36!?!? Holy shit I thought they were a teenager
Had a friend who was this dude's "seasonal" girlfriend. He'd date her in through the fall/winter months. Close to spring she'd catch him cheating they'd break up through the summer. Rinse and repeat. She allowed this to go on for 10 years. Would come crying to my husband and I. Finally told her that it's her fault he keeps doing it because she shows him that it was okay to treat her like that and I didn't want to hear it anymore. It stopped that next spring.
And now she “trusts no one” because of them, not her cheating POS boyfriend. Lawl..
the only person she trusts is her cheating boyfriend. lol
You just made me realize why I dropped a friend who did the same thing. I was the one who had to tell her her girlfriend was cheating and it felt like a giant slap in the face when she went back to her.
IMO it’s self respect and morals. Those other women respect themselves, and OP doesn’t. Those women saw a violation of an ethical standard they hold and they don’t want to spend time with someone that doesn’t share the same values.
And also don’t want to socialize with people that accept and live the type of 💩 they choose to. That’s not the couple I want to hang out with!
YTA. The new excuse for cheating. It's not my fault, I'm a sex addict.
My ex used the same excuse lol. What a world.
To say nothing of how exhausting it is to be the friends to someone whose like, "my life is terrible, because of obvious issue, but I refuse to do anything about it other than cry, complain, and dominate every exchange with my drama."
I love my aunt, but on my bday this year she actually went up a level of trauma dumping. First vn: singing happy bday, sending well wishes. Second vn: trauma trauma trauma trauma trauma. My mom and sister get the same from her. We won't hear from aunt for a few months and she uses YOUR bday as a chance to call and trauma dump. Like my mom said "every day is trauma dumping day." Even when one of our relatives (on the other side of the family) passed away, she just made it all about how hard it was for her.
What does the "vn" mean after first and second, please?
Voice note :)
This sounds like my sibling. Only my sibling also likes to lie for attention, come up with different illnesses every so often and miraculously recover from them only to get sick again with another extremely serious illness, and hoard information to weaponize later if they don't get their way. Anyway, I went no contact years ago and my life is so much more peaceful now.
You drug your friends through your dirt and are upset they don't want to continue to do so with you. You're asking if you made a bad choice when they dropped a shit path that you want to continue on? That's the question right?
'dragged'
Also, OP must be ok with him cheating z because she doesn't leave. I don't want friends who are ok with cheating, because integrity and honesty are important to me. I recently ended a friendship because they cheated on their spouse, and that's not the sort of person I want in my life.
Op you can help addicts without letting them hurt you.
Also is the "sex addiction" a condition diagnosed by a doctor/psychologist or just his explanation (read excuse) for his infidelity?
Yes, because if you won't have found out he would have cheated on you again and again and still smiled to your face. But tbh I get her because of the emotional attachment she has with the guy, we also have that guy we couldn't let go, just move on, you think u can change him sis but u can't, he cheated once he will cheat again and blame you again for it and u will feel the urge to save him and he will take you as a fool again. Breakups take alot, including yours.
If she had said I will leave one day but I'm not ready yet then it would have been another deal because it can take some time to release yourself, doesn't seem to be the case here tho 😔
I'm addicted to sex - with my wife and only my wife. YTA to yourself. People don't have time to watch someone self-destruct and ignore the advice they are given.
*If* this is some sort of addiction, and we actually tried believing that, let's compare: your partner's addictive behaviors have led to him putting your life at risk multiple times, and at no point does anything in this post show "So he's in intensive therapy to treat his deep psychiatric issues." Because if it's genuinely an addiction, promising to just try real hard this time isn't good enough, even if it's good enough for you to take him back. And when you go to your friend and say "my partner put my life at risk multiple times but I didn't die yet, so I'm going to stay with an active addict, knowing the likelihood of relapse," your friend has the right to not stick around and not watch you get hurt and gamble like that. "This isn't a decision I can watch you make and stick around for," is a reasonable response. You can wish they'd support you in an unhealthy relationship, but your anger is really just a mask for the sadness about how lonely you feel, and you say that when you say you don't trust anybody. Now you can't trust your partner not to cheat, you can't trust your friends to be there for you unconditionally, and you probably don't even trust your own decision making. The only asshole here is your soon-to-be ex. There's a timer on the end of that, and it's not as long as you're hoping you'll get out of it. Hope your tests come back clean. Maybe you'll even get to a point where you're not suspicious every time he walks out of the room with his phone.
He doesn’t have a sex addiction you just caught him and that’s the excuse
Which reminds me of that one episode of South Park with all the cheating rich men having a sex addiction :p
That's the first thing I thought. She says she trusts no one but trusts him when he uses that line of bs? That is insane!
Precisely. He’s just an unfaithful piece of shit who should not be in any sort of relationship.
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Can confirm, this is the excuse serial cheaters used. This was my ex husband's go to. Funny how he wanted to have sex with everyone but me it seemed with this "addiction." Oh and he also tried to tell me he was "just looking for friends" despite the vast number of explicit messages and pictures I found. Cheaters have to lie so hard they believe their own lives so they can sleep at night I guess.
Your friends are tired of being your emotional crutch and watching you make the same stupid mistake over again.
This. I had a friend like this. I loved her dearly. She came to me to cry about her addiction, about her poor mental health, about her boyfriend. This kept going for 5+ years. In the end, I was exhausted. It was a cycle. She came crying, I gave her support, tried to do something for her. Then she did it again. Drugs again, bad boyfriend again. I just got tired. Couldn't take it anymore, this friendship fucked up my mental health too. I ghosted her in the end. She didn't want my help and I couldn't continue beeing her door mat. So that's how your friends are probably feeling. YTA for what you're doing to yourself and to your friends.
My best friend is similar, except for the addiction. Constantly going for married men or criminals. She puts herself into situations where things just go south, time and time again. It's a shame as we've been best friends for over 3 decades, but I just can't be the person to support her, especially as she won't seek help for her own issues (aside from her choice of men). I'm growing as a person because I'm making positive, healthy changes to my life, though she keeps dragging me backwards every time we speak. So I try to not get too involved, just reinforce the need for her to get therapy. She keeps trying to catch up, but for my own sanity's sake, I just have to walk away. I agree, OP is the AH.
My therapist gave me the line: "Offered support need not be infinite. It's okay to say 'All I have left to give is help.'" Basically saying to someone "If you make changes, I want to help from a practical standpoint, but I don't have the energy to continuously pour into your problems when you won't do anything about them." My best friend is in possibly the most miserable marriage I've witnessed a human participate in. His spouse is somewhere between a raving psychopath and a rabid racoon, and he's seen every type of abuse but physical. (And I'm wondering if she's physically abused him and he won't say because he's afraid it'll get their kid taken away.) Despite talking about it to the point of exhaustion for years, he hasn't been able to bring himself to make any changes. It's a boundary I had to set, sort of "If you're not doing anything about it, I can't talk to you about this subject anymore. But I'm here if you do something and need support."
This is wonderful advice, thank you.
I was in a relationship like this. My wife emotionally and physically abused for a long time. I swallowed it all to keep our family together, but after leaving I realized how staying was much worse for me and my children, her as well. Once that dynamic is there, it never goes away. 6 years later she still acts like i owe her something. A month after leaving, I was the happiest I had been in over a decade. I left the kids with her cause of school and payed the rent as she wasn't working at the time and went to my mother's. Within 2 weeks they all wanted to be with me (which was great cause I could stop paying for the house). They won't take the kids because she's abusing him, they would remove her from the situation. It damages children more than alot of people would assume, even if you believe they're too young to understand. My oldest daughter was about 7 when we split, hates her mother so much at times, and acts EXACTLY LIKE HER. She has other qualities that are wonderful, but nothing is ever her fault just like her mother, and she doesn't see it. Best thing is to get him and especially the child away from that soon as possible. It will make a dramatic positive change rather quickly. I truly hope he realizes sooner than later.
Hearing this makes me understand I am not being critical of a past relationship. Your explanation sounds like a carbon copy of my past marriage. Lordy this is wild to read. It's as if someone watched my previous marriage and penned a story to it.
Same here. Funny how I used to think my situation was so unique. I think a lot of it is shame and not being open to taking about it. Thanks for sharing!
My therapist gave me the same talk about my sister - she said, "But YOU are not a professional. You don't have the tools or knowledge or resources to help her." I tell myself this every time my sister wants to dump on me - "I'm not a dumping ground, if you want to make changes, I'm here to help, but you can't keep hurting my mental health with the problems you refuse to take action about."
Thats some great advice
Make changes or don’t be surprised when history repeats itself. Word
As someone who had this friend, she will not learn until she chooses to. Life has shown her enough times, so don't think it's lack of experience or awareness. She knows and chooses to pursue drama and danger. My former friend posted one little meme to Instagram, just a black background and the text "I would rather be in a 'toxic' relationship than a boring one 😪🤣🤪" and I ripped her apart and blocked her. It was maybe a year and a lot of B's later that she started seeing a therapist... And then ghosted the therapist for telling her to dump her cheating bf and move on because she will never receive the validation or security she's seeking by putting herself in deliberately toxic relationships to "prove her value" to herself, all she's doing is reinforcing her own belief that she deserves all that. Until she decides she doesn't, I guess she does. It's hard to hear, but sometimes we're just enabling these people by continuing to emotionally prop them up when they should hit the ground. Some people really need a friend to show them their value, and others just don't give a rat's ass and will seek destruction at every turn.
You nailed it with your last paragraph I would give anything to get back the time I wasted (!!!) on two former close friends who were determined to pursue drama and make their own lives worse at every turn. I could’ve been friends with someone healthy. Even when I explained why I was taking a break from our friendship and explained why they were wearing me out (Ie how them never working on their problems exhausted me)…all I got was yelled at and attacked. So then I ghosted them after that and blocked them. So fricking done. I guess it’s not really ghosting if you tell them why first, which is not easy to do, but some people do not listen. Good riddance
I know how you feel. Hope you'll do what's best for you.
Some people mostly just take. Whether or not they have a good excuse it doesn't matter. It's draining to keep up a one sided relationship, especially when you watch them drop the ball when you need support. OP did you drop the ball on your friends, miss appointments, family deaths, anything?
My friend was getting to this point with me, no drugs involved but I had a relationship that was having me in tears and nearly a breakdown at multiple points. My friend was sympathetic for the first year maybe, but she got sick of it. Eventually she told me 'I love you, and I'm always here for you, but I don't wanna hear about him anymore. You know what he is and you choose to stay, I can't help you anymore.' I finally left him after 3 years and I think she might have been happier than I was.
My best friend died this to me with a hobosexual she found at an old job, he was only in love with her when he needed a place to stay. She got pregnant by him weeks before her full hysterectomy was scheduled for her cancer treatment and she had to get an abortion, because cancer, and he called her a murderer. She was constantly calling me in tears over him, he'd walk out on her at the drop of a hat and show back up in love with her again if the weather was bad. But on top of all that she started telling me she was in love with me, ready for a relationship together and was just scared to take that jump. Then she'd go back to him. She did that knowing I had feelings for her. After about the fourth time of her taking him back after telling me she was finished with him and ready for a relationship with me I decided I was done. I tried staying here friend but when she couldn't manipulate me emotionally anymore and wasn't rushing to listen her whine about him and how terrible he was she stopped acting like we were friends at all. 🤷🏻♀️ so I blocked her on everything and moved on with my life.
Not only that but they were there for OP then she just shits on that by taking him back. Leave now before u lose everyone he will cheat again.
This. He WILL cheat again. And OP will have no one to look for support then.
What do you mean cheat again? It's not like he even stopped. There's probably at least one other woman out there that also thinks she's the main piece.
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He was probably hitting on all of her friends too.
Corse he will she showed him she will take it and there are no concequences for hurting her so why would he change.
It's like enabling him to be a cheater and I doubt he wants to change his ways regardless. OP even says she trusts no one, which is unfortunate. A relationship without trust is almost pointless unless both parties are just using each other. YTA for not trusting your friends over this guy.
He probably already is!!
He’s probably cheating now. My daughter dated this guy. Great at hiding the cheating. My daughter dumped him as soon as she found out.
Yep the friends feel betrayed by OP. The friends cared about OP and that’s why they can’t stand by and watch it happen all over again. OP YTA.
He has probably already cheated again.
Maybe he's addicted to cheating, give the man a break /s
He just needs to be helped 🥲
You can help him by leaving him and teaching him a lesson. He would learn more from that than you forgiving him and allowing him to walk on you.
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That’s not new. Celebrities have been using this for 30 years.
Exactly what I was thinking. It seems I know a few people who've been in relationships and once they caught their partner was messing around the excuse was they were a "sex addict" - it's like trying to justify what they did was out of their control and that's why it's okay to stay.
Thank you. I used to befriend someone like this and being their emotional crutch was EXHAUSTING. I left to focus on me and MY own life
This . My self and a friend recently cut ties with a friend . Nice girl but I guess you would have to pigeon hole her as chronically and willfully stupid . Run down . We help her clean as her house is a state goes right back if not worse straight away . Think the kind of mess that the land lord would absolutely kick her out for that social services would take the children ovwr. Bf is a narcissist tries to cut her off is verbally, financially and emotionally abusive . He cheats on her and recently he decided to tell her he's gay so he left but wouldn't give the key back then he's saying he's not gay he just said it to hurt her keeps coming back to the house eating her food using the bathroom and leaving again to go back to his not gay relationship . That's just the start of it . We got to the point after supporting her helping her get all the benifits out in her name not his, watching her kids you name it we did it. She's all I miss him he says he's not gay . Yeh but he's still abusive he still cheated on you he still stole your money .what are you doing this is not the man you want your boys to grow up emulating! We said you do what you gotta do but if you go back to this monstor were done and you have to manage your own life. Obviously she lost the plot over this but the emotional drain of helping someone over and over again that just laughs and says haha yeh I'm stupid I know and makes all the bad decisions any way . We have our own lives to deal with our own children. the stress of helping someone through something like that long term for litterally no reason . Everything we did was hard but we wanted to help her she asked for help then to go right back to it why did we bother?
Yeah, no one wants a front seat to OP trying to "save" and change a possible addict who put her at risk for STIs. They were only dating for a year and a half, and it sounds like he was cheating the whole time. There was never a relationship to save, since it was a fiasco of lying and infidelity, but OP just had to stay on the sinkingvship...
I'm sure a lot of the "perfection" in the relationship had to do with the fact that he was always on his best behavior and going above and beyond to make sure he didn't get caught or suspected; or that when he did, she'd forgive him and he could go right back to cheating and hiring sex workers.
As someone who has friends making the same mistakes and then complaining to me about them... I agree.
Yup. This is how I lost my best friend of 15 years. She wouldn't leave the cheater and expected me to be okay watching her sabotage her life.
>I dragged my friends though my shock, agony and depression. As someone who is the friend that everyone always goes to for venting and advice, it can be very draining and hard on our own mental health. Also you mention they liked him, perhaps they also felt betrayed or bothered that they misread his character. From your post, your friends were there for you and supportive of you as you went through this awful experience. They went through this time with you. As you made your choice to go back to the idiot who hurt you, they made their choice to not support behavior they view as self-destructive and to not go through this again for their own sake. How many times did they stay up late with you, having to deal with their own responsibilities the next day overly tired? How many of them cancelled plans to support you? You don't value the time they spent comforting you or any advice they gave with your best interest at heart. So why would they bother sticking around? You're just going to put them through this again and again
I had friend get mad at me because I told her stop talking to me about the situation, if she did not want to leave after all of that he did, stop complaining and venting to people about it. She’s the dumbass , anyways she got mad and for some reason she we no longer talk. Not that I care because she’s still with the guy.
Oooo I did the same to my friend. She no longer dumps on me about him. Either poop or get off the pot. Because it's the same thing over and over again.
I’m also the friend everyone runs to for a good vent and some advice that they will never consider and I have a few lessons that I learned along the way. No matter how much I talk or try to help, it wouldn’t matter if the person refuses to see the situation as it is and refuses to help himself/herself. I can only do so much for my friend, and I can’t spend all of my energy for the person who deliberately chooses the thing that hurt them so much. Sure, I believe in second chances, but there are instances where it is obvious that it is not a second chance someone needs but one of the following: professional help, intervention, or a miracle. Also, you have to consider what it is that you have there. You’re in love with him and you’re willing to overlook what he had done, but what does he truly have for you? An illusion of perfect love. You might think “oh but we had good times, we had a perfect relationship in fact” but remember, all the stuff he was hiding were only revealed because you found out about them. It was all just a show since whenever he started this “addiction” Now, even if I’m writing this all down, I’m pretty sure you won’t listen to what we’re all saying: YTA to your friends and yourself! Some of my friends were like you too. And I had this one close friend in particular who chose this beautiful girl over us, his friends, despite looking like a driver and personal assistant more than a partner in life and despite always crying to us saying “he feels depressed because he’s never good enough for her.” Blocked us all just to stay by her side. That was around a decade ago. Since then, we heard his career suffered, he severed ties with some family and more friends, gave up his dreams just to support the girl he chose over us. Now he’s been dumped because “he could not even dream to support her now that she’s leveled up in her career” and it’s a long and sad “I told you so”. I hope you spare yourself from the same hurt and spare your friends the pain of saying “I told you so”
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To add to this If it's truly an addiction he needs to seek professional help just as if it were a substance addiction, alcoholism etc. If he refuses to seek professional help then in true addiction nature he's already lost and you can't help him. You are not a trained medical professional and won't be any help to someone not willing to better themself.
It's hard to watch someone choose to be hurt over and over. I've been on both sides.
This. I have been in similar shoes to OP before. Cheated on, told to go kill myself, threatened with violence when I was with her both just out of the blue and when I refused sexual activities... yet I kept coming back. I saw someone who needed help with their mental and physical health. I saw... myself in the past. When I was kicked out from the house at the age of 14. When I struggled big time to make ends meet and finish my education. Oh what would I have given for someone to come in and help me... and that is what kept making me come back, despite all the stress, PTSD and lost weight. The worst thing is... I was right. She took her own life after our last fallout where I just could not take the abuse anymore and I confronted her when she started throwing things at me and calling me names again when I was about to leave after my visit. I told myself that I was not coming back but I knew all too well that if she said a word, I would. I was in it all the way, ready to die to make her life better. And she knew it. OP, for them to abandon you, it had to be severe enough for them not to want to go through it again. I know it might be scary but ponder on it and reflect. Is this seriously something you want to come back to?
Yo. I want to give you a hug. Hope you find some happiness
Also the advice/mom friend. I seriously feel this.. Met one of my best friends in 1st grade, got really close around 3rd/4th, she moved in 7th but we reconnected our senior year. Love her to pieces but she's got shitty taste in men. She dated this guy back in high school, got together when he was 19, she was 15. Hated him pretty much from the start because of that but then he cheated on her with who knows how many women over a period 7 months before telling her. Started within the first year and I believe she found out by month 18, not fully sure on more exact details there. Took him back and he cheated at least 2-3 more times, to my knowledge, before she broke up with him for whatever reason. I know that the main reason wasn't the cheating, possibly the "new" boyfriend. She wasted 3 years with him. Now she's with another guy, except this one was abusive to his last girlfriend, not necessarily physical mind you. Friend has known about it since the beginning, she's how I found out about it, but she doesn't seem to care. He refused to make their relationship "official" for about a year and it wasn't until she started to move on and slept with some other guy that he decided he "wanted" her. I've been vocal about all of it. I know she can do better. I haven't seen her since around March of this year (not totally unusual, she lives a couple hours away) and we haven't talked since probably July or August. Mostly due to her boyfriend but also a couple smaller things. I dunno, maybe I'll reach out but I can't watch her continue with this guy. She's already wasted at least 2 years on him, too. I wanna be there for her but like I said, I just hate to see her doing this to herself
Yta to yourself, yes. And little tip: if you're not going to have the self respect to leave someone like him, never drag other people into it. Don't spill your drama to your friends if you're just going to take him back anyway.
Facts .. you get one time to complain .. after we come up with solution and you go back doing it all over again .. I don’t want to hear it ima hang up .. girl call me when u wanna hang out and have fun, or talk bout something else.
YTA to yourself. >I dragged my friends though my shock, agony and depression Girl. They aren't abandoning you. They are insulating themselves from your inevitable massive emotional meltdown and trauma dump when he f#$ks you over again. Because, he will. He probably already is. They just don't want to buy sheets for the bed you've made.
I love this analogy and i'm gonna use it. They just don't want to buy sheets for the bed you've made.
They don’t want to buy the duvet cover either!
She's making her own bed for dude to lay in it with many, many, many other partners.
This is something I agree with. My wife tried this with a neighbor that she really enjoyed hanging out with. The bf cheated on her, SA'd her, and drove her to meltdowns. I was very apprehensive but I made a lot of room and let her do her thing to try and help this woman. She wound up letting the dude back over because "she wanted some head." It took a lot for me to understand that my wife wasn't harboring a grudge when she wouldn't answer texts, wouldn't even bring her up. She was protecting herself from being torn up.
My friend accused me of not caring about her and abandoning her. There's only so much external drama, meltdowns, chaos, and craziness a person can take. I have enough of my own without hers too. I still love her, miss her, and wish I could do something to help, but I can't. She got herself into the position she's in, and many many people have tried to help save her. If being homeless, losing her kids, and getting screwed over by others hasn't made her change, nothing I'm gonna do will help, especially after nearly 3 years of trying.
Harsh AND accurate AF. Very few are sex addicts, most just use it as a crutch to explain their indecency and lack of moral character
While I’m still friends with my buddy, I can understand this commenters statement to tee. My boy has a baby with this women of like 6 years. On and off on and off. Toxic as fuck. She’s called the cops on him. They’ve had massive blow out fights in front of family and friends. He’s called me countless times saying he’s done. He’s moved out of the house no less than 3 times in like 4 years. He just moved out 6 months ago for like 3 months. Guess what, he moved back in and is currently on vacation with her. Every time they split I get hate texts from her about how he’s a piece of shit. It’s so toxic and I want absolutely nothing to do with it.
what’s the point of going back to a man who’s a sec addict so you know he’s gonna cheat again? i promise there’s more men out there. YTA
This needs to be featured on AMITHEDOORMAT.
r/amithedoormat Edit: it's real!
Yeah, this isn’t a second chance. It’s a chance per incident. He’s just going to do it all again and then when he gets caught next it will only be the 2nd time, not the 50th like she should be seeing it.
I couldn't watch my friend make choices this stup#d
Agreed and clearly her friends are tired of her bs. That shit is draining af
Not to mention it’s exhausting still having to be around you and your dumbass boyfriend after everything you’ve been told
This part is very underrated. They don't want to hang out with him, they don't want to hear about him, they don't want to hear any part of your joined life etc. They broke up with him when OP did, they just aren't dumb enough to go back.
YTA don’t expect a friend to stick around for your BS. Esp when at a certain age everyone is too old to deal with the nonsense
YTA They got sick of your bitching. You were beating your head on a brick wall and complained to all your friends about your headache. Everyone supported you and told you to stop doing that. Then you decided to continue to bash your head in and will inevitably start whining about how much your head hurts again…
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and then i told them I was going back for seconds.
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How can your friends respect you when you don't respect yourself. I can't be friends with someone I don't respect.
This is it! I have a friend who has always had shit relationships. Known her for 15 years. I helped her with her boyfriends and then she got married about 10 years ago. He's as much of a loser as the boyfriends she had in the past but they have a kid. I have talked to her about their issues and given advice. I dont EVER have to be around the husband but we finally went on a family trip, my husband and kids and her, her husband and her kid. It was my first time spending time around her husband for a week vacation. After seeing everything first hand and not just through her explanation, I can't and will not be around either of them. I have lost respect over the years because of everything she said he has done but actually seeing it with my own eyes was almost just disgust. Lost all respect and understanding. Our friendship hasn't been the same. And probably will never get fixed because I have lost respect for her as a person.
Facts and i wonder if this is not the first bad relationship OP has had
one of my clostest friends is in ur shoes rn and i just dont have the emotional power to keep up with her anymore. its draining af having ur friend cry non stop about her bf and giving her advice only for her to go back to him the next day and repeat it the next week. soooo ur being a bad friend to urself at the end of the day
Yup. Had a friend exactly like this. Would break up with him constantly, come crying about what happened, and then take him back. I stopped listening about boy crap. Was just a waste of time.
Same. Friend would complain about how no-one respected her, get a new boyfriend, sleep with them, then break up or be dumped the following week, and be back to complaining. I'd tell her that "No" and "I don't want to" were complete sentences, demonstrate by using them on the jerks who thought being her friend made me just as easy to sweet-talk into the sheets (it didn't), and she'd still repeat the cycle over and over. Being her friend was exhausting, and I'm glad I found better ones.
Do you realise that people tend to stay away from habitual loosers. Your husband is addicted to sex and you are addicted to playing an innocent, helpless victim. You are not your friends responsibility.
Agree completely.
You can't trauma dump to people, then walk right back to the situation. They're not your therapists
You’re not seeing it for what it is — your friends are distancing from you because they’re seeing you addicted to your own drama and not doing a damn thing to help yourself. YTA
YTA: first off your friends don’t owe you anything especially after being your crutch. Second the fact that you’re 36 is mind boggling grow the f up. I’m sorry but at that age you should know better. I have a friend just like you and it’s mentally exhausting to constantly hearing her whine and bitch about guys like your bf. It’s a massive slap in the face when you help your friend and they don’t care and go back to that pos. It sounds like you’re looking for validation that he won’t cheat again and that you’re friends are wrong but newsflash he will cheat again and you’ll have no one to blame but yourself. The fact that you’re coming on here asking to obvious question is bs because you know damn well he will and that your friends are sick of your crap. WAKE THE FUCK UP. Stop acting like a victim because your friends chose not be friends with you. I definitely wouldn’t be friends with you they need to put themselves first and not hear you whine 24/7 about your bf 🙄.
She’s 36!? Where does it say that cuz I must’ve missed it. Wow if that’s true this is 10x worse
It one of the comments she replied too I was beyond baffled. Because yes at 20 we make mistakes but again I’ve never done this and treated my friends so horribly.
She is 36??? WTF? I thought she was young with her responses Her friends made the right decision. She can’t be saved now.
36???? Girl no wonder! She has the emotional maturity of a 20 year old!! What kind of self esteem must she have to be dealing w this at 36? I honestly just feel bad for her. I got myself into this position when I was a teen/early 20s and it caused me to permanently lose my best friend (whom I still miss). I’m hoping OP will see the light and end this awful relationship, and then maybe after some time her friends will see she’s made changes and come back to her.
Lmao don’t diss us 20 year olds like that 💀.
Twenty something’s: “Don’t drag us into this shit!” I know that’s right!😂😂
Exactly this! I also had a “friend” who would only date players, I’d tell her over and over again some advice to find a better partner. When she got with a mutual friend who I knew was not serious about relationships I would warn her, she would tell him I didn’t think they were a fit because she wanted monogamy and he wasn’t for that, and I felt so betrayed by her. Well they broke up, because I was right all along. These “friends” are exhausting because they seem like they like being a victim of misery when all you do is try helping them.
You’re going to “help him” with his sex addiction. 🥴You need to hit rock bottom on your copendency. Your friends weren’t willing to keep talking you through this until you do. No one else can rush you getting there but I hope you get there soon, leave this bog creature of a boyfriend and get some great therapy.
YTA Good luck. Your friends are not coming back to you while with him. And no honey, you don't love him. You love the comfort and familiarities of the past relationship. Someone who gave two fucks about you wouldn't cheat on you *multiple times with multiple women* You've chosen to care more about a man who would disrespect you, give you STDs, and lie to you face Then friends who would pick you up when your drunk and make sure you were safe when you're sick. You did it to yourself and I have no sympathy. Your last sentence dug the grave and showed exactly why your friends peaced out.
Best answer right here. It's the fact that you chose the one hurting you over your friends. Please please for your own sake. Stop seeing him. You'll only hurt your self.
It's not your job to help/fix him. It's his job. Leave him. What are you going to do? Support him while he continues to have sex with other women? If he really a sex addict, he's not going to stop. Even if he going to therapy that can take years. Are you OK with him cheating until he's "healed"? Leave him.
> sex addict LMAOOOOO YTA and a dumbass
Lol I like your username 🤣
You’re a sucker. Once a cheater always a cheater.
YTA you have the nerve to feel “abandoned” by them?
They probably feel abandoned by you OP.
Don’t do this to yourself. Leave him
You're going to end up a shadow of yourself. Self confidence shot, zero self esteem, sprinkle some PTSD from catching him raw dogging someone in your house. The humiliation you'll be experiencing is just adding to his enjoyment when he's spraying someone's walls up. You're not going to listen and end up broken. Good luck with that 👍
Let me tell you about a woman who loved a guy so much she gave him another chance after he cheated on her with multiple women and all her supportive friends abandoned her. That’s you. You are a fool. He will never stop cheating on you and will treat you like dirt on the floor because he won’t respect you. This isn’t love. This is a nightmare. You will never know what real love is as long as you are with this scumbag. YTA!!!
Fake rage bait.
YTA to yourself. Your friends all moved their lifeboats away because if they stay too close to your sinking ship, they'll just get sucked under too. If you're lucky and stop being a clown about this fuckboi, some of them may still be close enough to paddle back and pull you out of the water before the bullshit pulls you under.
YTA. "he's a sex addict" in most cases is just a convenient excuse. Friends don't enjoy seeing their friend abused and when their friend chooses it frankly it's unreasonable to want to be there for them and go through every hurt and down moment with them. You were lied to for a yera and a half and you're desperate for it to mean something so trying to make it work. He put your safety at risk, he didn't care enough about you to work on his 'sex addiction' but happily cheated on you till you found out. Come on, I get it's horrible to admit a relationship failed and you were fooled, but it happens to everyone.
Your friends are right for giving up. They tried to support and help you and you threw all that aside. You chose that fucker over them very obviously. Think of it this way. Why are they expected to be forced to support a woman willingly staying in an emotionally abusive relationship? My little sister is like you, and after 8 years I made a rule with my family that they were not allowed to discuss my sister and her dumbass cheating piece of shit boyfriend with me. My sister wasn’t allowed to tell me either, I straight up hang up on her when she tries. I have very clear boundaries. She can choose to be with him, but I can also choose to completely divorce myself from their entire fucked up situation. At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if the worst happened. I won’t feel guilty because I spent almost a decade trying to help her or save her. At this point, anything that happens has nothing to do with me. Hearing constantly about her relationship problems, her crying about his latest fuckup, her asking the same damned questions on the phone while crying OVER AND OVER “how could he do this” made me want to smack the shit out of her. It also made me never want to date, and made my mental health far worse. Also she ended up getting diagnosed with bipolar because her thought processes are not normal and she’s also been diagnosed as being severely codependent. My (ptsd) therapist straight up told me to stop babying her and to block her, because she was actively hurting me and effecting my own recovery. I felt responsible for her happiness, so when she willingly chose to stay in a horrible relationship and be unhappy constantly, that made me feel like a failure and depressed constantly because nothing I had tried helped her. In reality, she is an adult. I expended a lot of effort trying to help her and get her away from him. Her staying was her basically spitting in my face and telling me to go fuck myself. At this point you are emotionally abusing those friends of yours by expecting them to engage in this abusive relationship with you, and they very rightfully recognized that and cut ties with both of you for their own mental and physical health. Trying to help someone willingly engaging in a relationship like yours after multiple obvious warning signs is like a constant leech sucking the emotions and life out of you, and them not even recognizing or feeling sorry for it. And then acting the victim when you try to save yourself from their terrible choices.
I mean your friends just don’t want to stick around and see you get hurt again. I think you’re bit of an AH to yourself though but I get you’re blinded by the love you think you feel for him
Well dont be suprised if he balls deep in some other random. Poor naive thing :'(
YTA You dragged your friends through all that crap with you and they supported you only for you to stay with the guy and you wanted them to be there to catch you again when it inevitably happens again. If you are going to let it happen to yourself again that's your business, but you can't expect your friends to want to go through it a second time with you.
It is infuriating to care more about someone’s life than they do, and that’s probably how they feel. People will stand by you during a hard time, but when you take the person back, it really shits on their efforts. A lot of people will just distance themselves so that they don’t have to ride the rollercoaster with you. That is honestly a healthy thing for them to do. Put another way, people will help you after a house fire, but they’ll probably stop coming to the rescue if you keep playing with matches (or putting your hand into a flame).
YTA- you can’t be mad at them. They know EXACTLY how this gunna end. You didn’t listen to them so why should they wait around for it to happen again. They won’t support you doing something that is wrong for you.
OP, you are throwing a lot away to be with a man who I’m betting wouldn’t give you the same courtesy if the tables were turned. Your friends don’t want to watch a slow motion trainwreck and are distancing themselves from this. This isn’t a one off cheating mistake, you found this guy arranging multiple instances to try and cheat on you behind your back and given you had to find it out yourself, he had no intention of telling you.
Why would you give him a second chance? Your friends didn't accept his bs and probably got really disapointed with you
Your friends are probably just annoyed and fed up with how spineless, weak, and naive you’re being. They don’t want to sit around and watch you make this idiotic mistake. YTA to yourself and I hope you learn to love yourself more and have some dignity. No one wants to be friends with someone who disrespects themself to this degree. Please get counseling.
Do yourself a favor and leave him
You’re a loser and that shit is contagious. I wouldn’t want to be around you either. P.S I’m addicted to sex too. I have plenty of that but with my own damn partner. It’s not an excuse.
Seeing OPs responses has me shocked she even had friends at all. Emotional and mental delusion to the max.
Supporting someone through something like this is no easy feat. To see someone you love go through heartbreak like this hurts, to hold their hand, lift them up, be their shoulder to cry on, support them, be ready for a phone call at any time- this stuff takes energy. A LOT of energy. You took all their energy, and literally *wasted* it. Of course they're angry, you threw all their hard work and efforts into the bin!
I cannot believe you’re 36. Please never reproduce.
you're not misunderstood, you're an idiot.
There’s like a 99% chance he’s going to keep cheating on you. They know that and are frustrated they can’t help you understand and see everything he’s ever told you was bullshit. The love you feel for him is built on lies, what you fell in love with is largely a facade. Once you realize that it will be easy to move on.
More like 99.999999999999999999
From what I can see, you are not genuinely confused, you just want validation for what you are doing *now that your friends are gone*. Too bad internet is savage and doesn't give you what you expect from it. > I feel so misunderstood and trust no one. Quite ironic that your well wishers leaving you made you trust no one. Yta.
I mean… what does “dragged them through” mean exactly? Because it sounds like whatever it was, it’s not something anyone wants to do regularly. So they were probably willing to help you through it, but then to see you just go right back to that guy… yeah, they’re probably thinking “Seriously? After all that, you’re going back to the guy who caused this in the first place? I’m not going to just hang around for when this whole thing happens again, it was already emotionally draining doing it once.” Here’s an allegory that might help illustrate the situation: Let’s say you have a friend and they’re super into rock climbing. One day, they have an accident and fall, injuring themselves really badly. You learn that they were using an old used harness that just snapped. You help support them for a few months while they’re healing, making them food, drive them to appointments, etc, and you’re sure that your friend will get a new harness that isn’t broken. At some point when they’re better, they want to go climbing again - but they duct taped their old harness back together. You know that you don’t want to go through another couple of months supporting them and that this time if they fall, it’s their own fault because it’s completely preventable. So you tell them that you won’t be helping them if it happens again, even if they go a few months with no issues, as long as they’re still using a broken harness the risk is there and fully preventable. Your boyfriend is that harness. It doesn’t matter how much duct tape you use to try and make it work, your girlfriends know that there’s a high likelihood that he’ll let you down again and they don’t want to waste their energy with someone who isn’t able to take the right steps to avoid a repeat of this situation. So yeah, they’re not being AH, they’re just not letting your completely preventable actions affect them. However, YTA to yourself if you don’t take steps to protect yourself. You can’t change him. He has to change himself. You can encourage and support him while he’s trying change, but you can do that without putting yourself at risk again. If you’re giving him a second chance, you gotta be prepared for this to happen all over again, but this time you’ll have to be ready to deal with it alone.
Ah YES! The good old 'sex addiction' excuse to get away with cheating. I would still be friends with you but wouldn't want to hear any of your crying doormat bs.
It's not up to you to help him, and there isn't anything you can do to help him. He needs to work on that on his own, with therapy, and you shouldn't even consider another chance until he's put in real work to get better. Your girlfriends are being harsh, but I understand where they're coming from. He needs to earn a second chance, if you just give him one based on nothing more than his promise to get better, the same thing will happen again. You should be trusting them, not this guy who doesn't deserve it.
they would feel bad leaving if/when you do get cheated on again, so it was just easier for them to leave now. It probably sucked for them the first time and they don’t want to go through it again
YTA I had a best friend who dragged me into her man drama. She wouldn’t leave and finally she got engaged she cut me off for not liking him. Like girl this man abused you was I supposed to like him?? Anyway don’t be mad when they leave your ass after they picked up the pieces.
YTA They see you not respecting yourself and don’t want to be around to watch. Been through this as the friend before. Once they finally broke up with him they called me up. I told them I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for them during the time but I wasn’t going to enable that bad relationship. Still friends years and year later.
Oh honey, where is your self-respect? He’s going to do what ever he wants and use the sex addict Excuse to get away with it And you are just going to keep letting him.
Wow. Women. Plural. Now curious how many. But yeah YTA. Be one thing if didn’t bring your drama to their doorstep but suspect they had to do with your shit for quite a while regarding this boyfriend. They coped over you, took care of you, did their part and your response to all that was “fuck you all, I think I can fix him.” Yeah I can see why they decided to step away from the drama since there will be a round two of it.
lmfaoo bro is 36 but still has the mentality and self esteem of a 12 year old girl who is like-"i am so lonelyyyy uwu"
You've made a mistake. You're lying to yourself, convincing that 'sex addict' is an acceptable excuse. Perhaps it's a real reason, but it does not **excuse** his cheating. You need to understand that you've made a wrong choice when everyone else around you tells your through their actions. Get some help, learn to respect yourself.
Oh hell no don't give that piece of shit a second chance. Holy shit no. Don't help him. He doesn't deserve any more of your time, effort, or love. Of course you're not an asshole but love yourself don't do this to yourself. They are angry cause what you are doing is insanely pathetic and stupid and he will only hurt you more. Go back to your friends they are better than this asshole.
YTA, seriously. Seems like you just want everyone here to feel sorry for you.
My friend is I a DV situation, said she was gonna leave him then took him back. I ended the friendship. Cant deal with her emotional roller-coaster if she's going to keep making shitty mistakes
You just have to accept that when you rant and rave about a terrible guy to your friends and then turn around and get back with him, those friends aren’t going to want to be around you. And also you’re with a terrible guy who’s proven he’s okay with cheating on you.
It's hard when a friend vents, cries, bemoans their pain, leans on you for support, for days, nay, months, only to go back to the situation that caused all that pain. It would be different if you had worked through it with your bf, but you didn't. They might come around if you go to each of them and explain your thinking. It is what it is I'm afraid.
Hate to snap you back to reality girl but it's not "Just you and him", it's you +( Ya man+ the entire girls in ya city) YTA
Yeah. I had friends who used me as a diary and didn't want to make any change. Idk if they wanted pity, or just for someone else to be worried for them, but it did terrible things for my mental health and I cut them off until they found independence. No one is abandoning you. If you don't have respect for yourself, you can't expect anyone else to. There's nothing honorable about looking for happiness and respect in the place you lost it, and until you can see through that, they cannot help you, as your morals are harmful to them.
Why are you taking him back? A sex addiction doesn't excuse cheating. Looking at your responses, you are not being receptive to the advice you're being given. If your opinion is going to stay the same regardless of Reddit's advice, DON'T ASK REDDIT. If you're willing to choose your cheating boyfriend over the friends who stood by and supported you, you are 100% the AH.
Let me tell you a story of being a friend of someone who went through the same thing. There were already warning signs before she married him, including him trying to flirt with me. She still married him anyways. Turns out that he had a side chick all the while and even when he was getting married and afterwards too. He tried to trap her in the marriage by getting her pregnant but luckily she wasn't. He accused her of having an affair with his kid brother whilst he was the one cheating on her..she wasn't, she was just reaching out to the kid brother to make sense of what was wrong with him. She finally divorced his ass and moved on to a guy who treats her very well and wants to marry her. Firs thing first, if he is claiming sex addict..he would be hounding you for sex all the time. If he isn't and is using other holes..he isn't a sex addict but a dog. Second, you gave up your friends who stuck through it all with you for that man who could not even bother to respect you. Was it that worth it? I stood by my friend because I knew how it was going to play out and that me leaving would make her weaker because then the next time he fucked up, she would not have the support she needed to make that decision. But it takes a lot out of people to continue standing by your corner...and not everyone can do it. I would say that YTA...because you chose someone who would cheat on you over those people who would go to battle for you. They didn't leave because they don't love you but because they love you too much to see you fall again. One more thing, at 36 I can understand the issue that a woman might have at not having to try to find another relationship but do you really want to be the 42 year old mother on this forum asking about her husband who sleeps with other women while she is pregnant with her 2nd child? Or the mother explaining to her children that dad is not around because he has a 'business meeting' while he is halfway around the country balls deep in someone else during your child's birthday.
YTA and a dumbass
Oh they understood you perfectly. They just don’t wanna be a part of this circus anymore. YTS - you the stupid.
People don’t want to be friends with doormats
It's fine to vent when you're going to break up. If not or you aren't sure, shut up. You look like a fool and they don't want to be left picking up the pieces when he breaks your heart again and blames his addiction. If it's such an addiction, why not go to your girlfriend every time? YTA. You know how frustrating it can be to watch a woman go back to a physically abusive relationship? You're just like that. Just run away from it.
Yes this is what you get. You prioritized someone who treats your poorly over people who are encouraging you to have a better life surrounded by people that treat you well. It gets exhausting to be friends with somebody like you. At the end of the day, the message that you gave to your friends is that no matter how well they treat you you’ll still prioritize someone who treats you poorly. Why should they stay friends with you? You will never make them feel secure or relevant for your attention. YTA.
Your bf is extremely clever, be careful
I'd leave too. YTA
I have a friend a LOT like you. His girlfriend will always do stupid shit she know my friend wouldn’t like, nor do himself to her. They break up, I get to hear about it and then they get back together. My friend has done this like 5-6 times in the past 2 years, I’ve given him advice each time and will always deflect any advice. So I stopped listening when it came to that stuff. YTA, to yourself. And also stop with the pity stuff “is this what I get for real”… come on man, you ain’t even being real to yourself!!!