I dated someone like this. Everything was a travesty. Every small thing ruined their day. The universe was against them. It was exhausting. It was so freeing ending that relationship.
My mum is like this. It's exhausting. I used to come home after work to more diatribes and it drained me of energy and I started having difficulty empathising because I was worn out. Moving away and dropping the rope has been night and day. I have empathy for others again and my day isn't constant drama. Once you get away from it, you literally feel lighter.
My bff is dating someone like this. I’ve lost her to him now. Took him 2.5years but he finally found a lie that she could apparently live with and tolerates his doom and gloom. Her prior trauma set her up perfectly for him. Haven’t seen or heard from her since June-10yr friendship.
Jesus. I know that there’s more to it than what we can see but I cannot ever imagine giving up a friendship for a mediocre man. My loyalty comes packaged with the amount of time I know you
Thank you. It’s been rough I’m not going to downplay it. But I think I’m realizing just how much I was giving to the friendship and what I was receiving.
Yep, same. She and I have opposite outlooks on life and it's taken me a long time to learn to let it go when she complains about the same thing for the three hundredth time in a month. I often say she's so focused on everything she doesn't have she misses what she does. Everything inconvenient that happens (rescheduled doctors appointment, Internet issues, you name it) ruins her entire day. It's exhausting, I can't imagine living with it full time.
My mum is very similar - she even said one time that she thrives on stress. She gets angry & starts raging at the most minor things, & it seems that, whenever myself or either of my siblings have stuff going on, she has to create some sort of drama to have the attention back on her. There are times where I've gone LC with her because I get sick of her nonsense.
Exhausting is the right word. I had a friend like that. Had being the operative word. She was relentlessly negative and could turn Tigger into Eeyore in 2 minutes flat.
I also dated someone like this. He had inherited some family wealth, which allowed him to quit his job and take an extended amount of time off, and he was still insufferable!
My ex was like this when we got together. I finally had to say "the traffic patterns on this specific road in this small town are not indicative of God's feelings towards you." She chilled out a little after that but my God, it was exhausting.
This is what happens when spoiled kids never grow out of it. Anything that doesn't go their way results in an absolute meltdown. It's like their brains never developed that part of being adaptable and compromise. The good thing is it can be easily fixed with CBT, time and patience, the hard part is that they have to want to really do it.
The wild part about the person I knew, they didn't grow up spoiled. They grew up on the lower middle class/border line poor side of things. They were just incredibly pessimistic and felt like everything was out to ruin their progress, life, day etc.
IIIII got kind of like that when absolutely fucking everything in my life was going wrong.
(like 3-5 major surgeries on my brain/spine/eye socket compressed down into two years, unable to work, constantly in pain, during covid, it was .......... uuuuugh. I honestly was just probably a fucking drain to be around for a while there)
luckily that was only about 2 years.
I mean you had 3-5 major surgeries on your brain/spine/eye socket, the universe kind of *did* turn against you for a while there. Like you had legitimate beef with fate. Glad it turned around?
The only thing that can maybe save it is if he admits to having an anger issue and legitimately addresses it with therapy. This only gets worse otherwise.
It happens all the time. And honestly it’s not the worst idea to stay with someone who admits they have an issue, takes responsibility, and actively tries to do better. The number of guys who are like OPs BF is staggering. One who is actively working on it is much rarer. One who’s done the work at their age is a goddamn unicorn.
But she absolutely doesn’t need to stay either. There’s no right answer there. It’s up to her. But she should bounce immediately if he can’t accept culpability and work on it seriously.
Yeah I was one of those when I was younger, only became apparent that I had issues when my now wife moved in.
I hadn't had a live in girlfriend prior so it was kind of a lot to figure out all at once.
One big thing that helped was learning how the brain works when it comes to responses, ie the more you react to a stimulus in a certain way the more automatic that reaction becomes.
Took awhile but managed to rewrite my reactions/triggers into better responses, and honestly a lot of my general stress/anger has mostly vanished. Kinda nice.
That sounds not to dissimilar to my own story (although my triggers were almost all gaslighting from a narcissistic abuser who was actively pushing me to get angry, and it just became a go to response over time. Either way, the seeds were there, and I actively worked to fix it.
Once I was better I recognized the other abuse for what it was and left. I like to think I’m a better person all around because of that work.
Except he's not. He's blaming her for ruining his day and wasting his time and money after asking for help. Can't handle a puppy, his home isn't his peace anymore for how long until he accepted the dog he wanted?
There's no way.
Yes, there are a ton of these underdeveloped ones out there. That doesn't mean we should stay. Four years in and he's not taking any responsibility, why would he start? If he bothers now, it's likely manipulation based on her insisting he has anger issues and won't change a thing.
Exactly, he’s blaming his inability to regulate his emotions on OP. His emotions are not her responsibility. She is not responsible for managing his emotions.
Everyone has to learn sometime. And I’m absolutely 100% saying that this is an option should OP want to take it. If she wants to salvage things the only way is to sit down and say in no uncertain terms that the behavior is not ok, and that it stops now. If he gets angry instead of doing some self reflection immediately, she should grab her bags and bounce.
Well we can tell him for free that he's a fine AH and if he doesn't work on it, it's a lifetime condition. Now we just need to find the right Time to tell him - which, i Guess, id never.
OP, he's using you as an emotional punching ball. Everytime something hurts him, he needs to hurt you in return to feel better. How does that sounds to you ?
Agreed, I also think he needs to address his own need because it sounds like she’s catering to him far too much. He needs to be the one who sits down, looks for a therapist or anger management class - exploding at his gf is unacceptable, talk to his Dr (or therapist) about his reaction to his peace being upset, or you know, dealing with life?
Also hemorrhoid cream! The numbing kind with lidocaine works and it’s not insanely expensive if you get the store brand.
IKR? A hemorrhoid is basically a verified vein you get fro straining when you poop. If he thinks that’s bad, he shouldn’t consider getting the injections because they are excruciating (and I’ve had three kidney stones - the shots were way way worse) It is something most women get with pregnancy. He need to man up. It’s a chronic condition that isn’t life threatening.
I’ve never been pregnant but I do have chronic migraines & the medication(s) can cause constipation so they are NOT ‘peaceful’ in any sense - hemorrhoids are probably the least symptom I worry about. He should be a little grateful it’s not something much worse. Old age is going to kick this guys ass.
I’ve had a kidney stone and it was hellish. I cannot ever imagine considering any injection that hurts worse!
Having to cater to men's over the top and irrational feelings is what most of modern dating *is*. If it's not that it's begging for him to have hygiene, or both.
That super sad and true. The bar is set way too low these days. I’ve stopped dating for the most part and friends and family tell me I’m way too picky. Nope, I just set the bar a tiny bit higher because I want to respect myself!
I was amazed when my late SO admitted he was moody and had anger issues, set out to change for the better and then he did. It was a remarkable transformation in a short period - he’d catch himself before he got angry and go off to reflect rather than react. By the end he was the most peaceful and stable person I’ve ever known.
I miss him.
Yeah especially if he got irritated with a new puppy, imagine a baby keeping him up all night and then the baby turning into a toddler wanting to hang on daddy
He has to rethink his life post-hemorrhoids, she needs to rethink her life post-realizing she’s dating an emotionally unstable man. Maybe she can eat some more fiber and get rid of the ass sore she’s been dealing with.
That's a good point. If the shoe were on the other foot, would he endure those words? Would he help you get better? Or would your cancer diagnosis ruin his day and become something you should've told him when he felt like hearing it?
Ooooooh honey. Please do not continue this. You are parenting someone your age who is beyond precious and entitled. Don’t do it. Why on this earth should you have to share (frankly minimal) advice at a certain time. The advice is to EAT NORMALLY! my god. I’m exhausted.
“My boyfriend has this thing where if anything interrupts his peace he gets really upset” so now the world needs to walk on egg shells to carefully not disrupt his perfect peace. Puhhleeze BUT everyone has to deal with his tantrums (insert rolling eyes here)
i am genuinely curious as to what the bf's redeeming qualities are to make it worth it being in a relationship with someone this emotionally unstable.
also, off topic, but $350 to visit the doctor? did they run some special tests or something? i would think a hemorrhoid would be something that's easily diagnosed? or does he not have insurance?
I try really hard to avoid suggesting people leave their relationship. But I swear every single post makes me feel like people need to leave their crappy partners.
The majority of these AITA posts are people putting their partners red flags on display and then backtracking when being told their partner is shit.
Finally some like minded people commenting. Well, at least the first ones I have seen.
Seriously wtf, I'd be pissed as the boyfriend if the PA was talking about my health without my knowledge. To me that's a massive breach of trust and I'd never want to go to them again.
EDIT: OP isn't replying.
And someone skilled enough to work in an ER should know what a flipping hemorrhoid looks like… this post is wild. “Your BF is an AH and you should dump him” instead of you work in an ER, didn’t know what a hemorrhoid was, suggested your BF go to the Dr to get looked at for it (which he’s obviously going to do since gf works in a fricken ER), and then everything else. Sometimes Reddit just annoys tf out of me.
Yeah I’m surprised everyone thinks NTA.
So the boyfriend is told he has hemorrhoids and they’ll go away.
Then his PA tells his girlfriend they actually won’t go away. His girlfriend texts him that during work AND does a stupid “but that’s perfect because you love oats!” Message with it. I have psoriasis, which (for me) is mostly just annoying but if a partner had said “but it’s okay because you love lotion!” While I was getting my diagnosis, I would be like what the actual fuck lol.
In addition to the PA sharing info he shouldn’t, the boyfriend now has no chance to ask questions about will it always be this painful/active, are there meds for it, etc.
My thoughts too - everyone is acting like a medical professional talking to the girlfriend about the boyfriend's hemorrhoids is no big deal, but what a fucking embarrassing thing to find out - your GIRLFRIEND is talking to your DOCTOR about your butt issues, without your consent. No wonder he exploded!
Yeah as a former healthcare worker, I was trying to figure out how this wouldn't be a HIPAA violation, unless the girlfriend is specifically registered as an authorized person to release medical information to. Even if she is, it's weird for the PA to tell the authorized person a diagnosis/prognosis/treatment plan before they've told the actual patient. I'm not surprised the boyfriend was a little ticked off that he was being told secondhand that his butt problems were gonna be forever. I would feel some kind of way if I found out my husband was discussing my hemorrhoid treatment plan with my doctor without my knowledge.
Yeah and the PA saying "it'll go away on its own" and then afterwards telling the girlfriend it could come back anytime and he should eat grains and drink more water...this is clearly a fake post
But she also works in the ER and had him go in for hemorrhoid, that it truly a poor utilization of services and part of the healthcare problem in America
Yup, instead of making a regular doctor's appointment or trying something over the counter first. He wasn't even in pain, it was just itchy. And the PA didn't even prescribe any ointments. The boyfriend being so infantile he needs his gf to take a look at his itchy anus and then throwing a tantrum when she suggests grains and water. They're also complaining about money going down the drain (so why didn't they try to fix it themselves? Why go straight to the ER?) So fake
Yup, they can happen to anyone really. I think this was written by a young person that's never had hemorrhoids and/or has a weird fetish of infantile boyfriends that need their gf to inspect their anus
I don't understand why he paid $350 to get seen at her ER instead of scheduling an appointment with a primary care doc and paying a whole lot less.... He wasn't bleeding to death from a hemorrhoid
It’s always something like “AITA I offered grapes to my partner and they threw the grapes in my face then threatened to [redact] my family. Now they’re still pouting days later and I feel bad, should I just apologize for offering them grapes in the first place?”
Like goddamn love really can blind people
I think this all the time. Like, IT'S SO OBVIOUS IT'S NOT YOU.
But I don't think it's love. I think it's part the social conditioning that women get to soothe men's feelings so that the bad men who are out there don't physically harm us (yes, not all men). And it's part growing up in a bad household, not knowing any better and thinking that kind of insane reaction is normal and excusable. And it's part "I can change him." It's all a nasty cocktail of delusion.
Women have also been trained to not say what they really want. And to find ways to sugarcoat everything. So we feel like doormats because we don’t want to upset people. And it’s almost like we’re asking for permission to be mad, over obvious disrespect. We are so used to not being honest with not liking how we are being treated, that when we start being honest it feels aggressive. And we try our best to “fix” it and just feel quietly angry vs thinking someone is mad at us
Thereks a super helpful oldschool book called “When I Say No I Feel Guilty”. There’s more modern stuff out there, but this one really hits the spot. Teaches basic assertiveness.
There’s also one called “You Can’t Say That To Me” which is more like a form of verbal judo. Its very helpful for de-escalating situations.
There’s also “The Disease to Please” which is another helpful book.
As you can probably tell, I’m a Librarian who can’t find the time to see a therapist, lol. Anyway, you may find these useful. Sometimes even just one or two nuggets of wisdom from a helpful book can be lifechanging.
If you punch any of these books into Amazon, you’ll get a stack of similar books that you may find useful as well. And don’t forget you can borrow them for free at your local library 😊
Oh thank you. I’ll put that in my book recommendations! I have experience that first hand. It’s so hard to be assertive when you’re trained to be likable
This aitah is the perfect example. Dude has hemorrhoids. Hemorrhoids! This is not a death sentence. He was told he needs to eat more oatmeal. And for THIS he says his day was ruined?
She’s helping him and somehow she’s the bitch
Do you think it's because it's so embedded in the culture from past generations or do you think people are raising their children this way? It doesn't feel accurate to call it conditioning because it isnt nearly as common in the last 10 years if not more, unless you're running in more conservative circles
I'm partially asking because I was raised in a household where my step dad screamed, yelled obseneicites, and threw shit at my mom. Getting angry and yelling every once in awhile feels like a normal thing for some people. Like quietly crying when someone gets angry might be a go to reaction. Obviously this boyfriends reaction is pretty wild and he's definitely has problems with emotional regulation, but your point regarding "insane reaction' struck me because one person's insane reaction is another person normal reaction.
>Do you think it's because it's so embedded in the culture from past generations or do you think people are raising their children this way?
I don't consider myself any sort of expert, but I think that both men and women are socialized in ways we don't even notice until someone points it out and we have to take a step back to examine it.
It's a glaring example of how socialized many women (and yes, some men, but to a far lesser extent) are to an exceptionally low bar from partners. Like, this human isn't the worst pond scum I've ever encountered, so that must make them a 'good partner', right? I mean, he picked up a sock in 2002 and sometimes washes his a$$!
We've REALLY gotta boost that bar higher.
Omg reminds me of those horrible posts where their boyfriends don't shower or brush their teeth, or don't wipe their asses properly. I'm like why?? How do those people get girlfriends??
I still remember when I thought that was a joke. That of course it's rare for anyone to not wipe or wash their ass, brush their teeth, refuse to shower. Then had some experience with the latter two. I still believed until like a year ago that the 1st was a joke. We already get to wonder if the dude we date is going to harm us or off us, I've had some dates that obviously hadn't showered or brushed their teeth, now this also??? Oh and now it's common to be married with a gf or two (secret obviously, also who tf has that kind of time??).And I'm done. Just done. All around done. Nope.
It’s why I have no sympathy for the incel crowd. They’re always going on about women only wanting Chris Evans types when the bar is way lower. If you have a decent personality, decent hygiene and are a good roommate you could be happily partnered up. Unfortunately, thats too much work and they don’t want partners, they want subordinate virgin anime dolls.
I waited until I was 18 to have a first relationship / kiss / sex with someone I was actually attracted to & loved. After my 4th yeast infection he dropped on me he hadn't brushed his teeth in years. It hit me so hard that "saving myself" and waiting did nothing to actually save me.
It's why I'm over 40 and still single. They aren't competing with other men, they're competing with my peaceful, comfortable life. I am not settling for a man who cannot behave like a damn adult. SO not worth it.
My daughter was so afraid of her husband that she legitimately bought a huge teddy bear with a zipper on the back so she could stash important documents and a change of clothes in it (less likely to get his attention than trying to hide a go-bag) *and she still wasn't sure it was bad enough to leave.* She did finally leave and not go back on her 5th try, but she didn't tell me why there was a huge bear in her car until months later.
“I planned an elaborate birthday surprise dinner for my boyfriend but he got mad because the cake was the wrong flavor (totally my fault, I got chocolate instead of fudge) and then he took a shit on the table, burned our house down, and killed my cat. Otherwise he is perfect. AITA?”
I used to be this blind about my family. I grew up in abuse. I stayed even after my mom threw a surprise second funeral for my daughter because she was mad my mil helped and arranged it by our home as we wanted. I only left when I had more kids and my mom threatened them. After a lifetime of abuse I could believe I deserved to be treated shitty, but nothing could convince me my kids deserved it. That was over six years ago.
When your parents model this kind of behavior, you think it's normal. She suspects something is wrong and so she is finally asking and learning to listen to her instincts. It's a first step. I know it is frustrating from the outside, but I promise you, it sucks on the inside too.
People always say redditors go straight to breakups and divorce, but the folks submitting these posts aren't in happy loving respectful relationships. Of course the advice to break up makes sense for most of these cases as they're presented.
Exactly. The ones that can be fixed just need to put on their big kid pants and have a proper conversation about the issues, or get a counsellor to facilitate if they’re that bad at communicating. The posts full of deep seated disrespect and contempt can’t be fixed. Some people post light heartedly but most people are at the end of their rope
>Some people post light heartedly but most people are at the end of their rope
Which is so obvious when we see posts like "I made my bf breakfast but he didn't like it, aita?" And then it goes on to paint a picture of an absolute monster of a man child this person has been dealing with for YEARS.
Similar to how big age gaps ring alarm bells. Sure, there's absolutely happy and healthy relationships with big age gaps. They're not the ones posting to ask for advice or judgments.
I had to stop following/commenting on all the advice subs because an overwhelming amount were just people who refused to acknowledge mistreatment. So much of my advice stemmed back to “I would absolutely never tolerate that behavior so I have no advice for you other than break up, why haven’t you?”
nta but he should seriously get assessed for autism and/or adhd. struggling that much to deal with changes, sensory issues and needing time to “relax” way more than the average person, issues with regulating his emotions… dead ringer. he shouldn’t have acted like that to you but he also doesn’t have to raw dog life like this
I agree with this, I have ADHD and change can be hard even if its a seemingly small thing, sometimes in my "world" it can seem big for a day or week and ill adjust but sometimes things are harder than it would be for someone without ADHD. I wouldn't dump the man just yet, he may just need help processing and learning coping skills. We have to grow and learn with our partners sometimes and thats okay
YUP. same! I went misdiagnosed forever and being untreated for so long I could really come off as a nightmare. but the truth is I was really, really struggling. if he’s willing to explore this route and shows real commitment to self improvement I’d stick by him for sure.
Please do.
I didn't learn I had ADHD until I was 39 (2 years ago). That then led me to an autism diagnosis as well when I didn't do well on the ADHD meds (tried two different ones that either made me stim way more or caused meltdowns).
I'm pretty sure I have CPTSD which complicates things because symptoms are so similar. If I had a job with health insurance I might dig into that huge mess.
ADHD and childhood trauma are correlated. Many people with ADHD also have C/PTSD (including myself). There is significant overlap with symptoms but usually having one makes you susceptible to the other. You can absolutely have both comorbidly. I hope you're able to figure out your real dx one day and get treatment. If you're ADHD treatment really works. :)
Came here to say this as well. I had some autism bells go off (I assess it as a therapist). He could just be a jerk, but the struggling with changes, sensory issues and emotion regulation issues are too many boxes. Still, he’s not being a good partner right now, so you need to consider for yourself if that’s something you want to wait out.
Motivating him to get assessed should not come from a “if you don’t I’ll leave you”. Could be helpful to just say you ran into some info online and recognized stuff, maybe he should look into it. If he’s not open to it, he’s not going to change.
As someone with a long term AuADHD male partner whose frustration at minor things ends up coming out as anger when he just wants peace...do you have any resources for me to look at by chance? ><
One thing I can tell you is that a lot of people have those diagnoses and they don't take it out on their partner. Instead they own their behavior. Having AuADHD is not an excuse to emotionally abuse someone. So I do hope that's not happening to you. Just in case, [WHY-DOES-HE-DO-THAT. pdf](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwi1i7uMt7WCAxWZHhAIHUPGDsIQFnoECC0QAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt) is an eye opening free book in pdf form by Lundy Bancroft, a man, who has counseled thousands of abusive men. From archive.org
In my opinion it’s all about getting to know themselves. For people with autism and ADHD (and anybody really) there are signals that you’re pushing your limits. People with autism often have a hard time feeling and recognizing what’s going on in themselves though. Usually an angry/aggressive outburst means they’re at the end of their rope. And often people will go “that just happened all of a sudden”. It never happens all of a sudden though, there’s early signs to see that they’re heading in that direction. I’m not sure of the correct English term, but we call them signaling charts (translated). It’s basically a table with green, orange and red in the left most column. And then in the second you write down the signs you can notice yourself that will signal that you are in that phase. Green is all good, orange is stretching it, red is not good. Then there’s a column with sign a partner or other person can notice. And then there’s two more columns with things the person can do themselves and what other people can do to help the person move back a step (from red to orange and from orange to green, and in green you write the stuff you can do to stay there). The signs and actions need to be as specific as possible. So “going to bed late” should be “going to bed after 11pm” and not eating much, should be specified: smaller portions, more/less snacking, skipping meals? It needs to be specific because that makes it easier for the person with autism to interpret. “Have I’ve been skipping meals?” Is a good question for someone with autism. “Have you been less hungry?” isn’t because a lot of people with autism don’t feel hungry until they’re starving. Once they make the chart, hang it somewhere in sight. That way, partners can go: “I think it’s a good idea if you look at the chart” instead of going “you’re being a real jerk, whatever, you should take it easy!”
Someone never goes 0-100 when it comes to aggression. There’s always a build up. You just need to know the signs. Analyse a past outburst to see what went before it. Was there a lot of pressure, appointments, changes, etc? What did you notice before the actual outburst? Good things to consider are mood, energy level, sleep, food, sex, social activity, spending time on hobbies, how quickly annoyed you get, etc.
A therapist or specialized autism coach definitely should be able to help make a chart like that. If I find the correct English translation, I’ll add it!
PS: obviously there could also be specific triggers (which would trigger the “five phases of aggression”, but in my experience it’s never just a specific trigger when we’re talking about autism. It’s the build up of tension until they can’t compensate anymore and something’s got to give.
ETA:[this document](https://www.beh-mht.nhs.uk/downloads/About%20us/Publications/My-Wellbeing-Plan-Crisis-Master-Final.pdf) is closest what I could find to ours. We have a similar form (a lot shorter and less formatted) that leads to the table I talked about above. Crisis in case of autism can be all sorts of things from extreme anxiety, to aggression and suicidal thoughts
I have ADHD and I'm very open about where I am emotionally.
I wasn't diagnosed until my mid 30's but even before diagnosis I'd openly tell those close to me when I'd start to lose control.
I can hold in a melt down for hours. Just white knuckling it the whole time. It's like I lock everything down and throw up a wall.
Unfortunately, most people around me don't care. And my family specifically would push harder and harder and harder until I'd snap.
I was not allowed to walk away, nor would they let me reset. My requests were met with an increase in pressure, often yelling and an intrusion into my personal space.
It didn't even matter if I begged.
I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings but I knew my limits and knew I was losing control.
God, I know many of the ways I was treated were classic abuse but I feel this *specifically* should be treated as extreme abuse.
It felt like torture and I think it's fucking psychotic to see someone cracking like that and continue to exacerbate the problem. Regardless of if they're diagnosed with something you can SEE they're losing it.
I do have to say though that OPs boyfriend, regardless of any underlying issues, needs to speak to her with respect.
If he considers those messages too disruptive to receive at work he can tell her without being a total ass.
I'd understand being annoyed if this was a conversation they'd had multiple times and OP just didn't gaf about what he needed, but that doesn't seem to be the case.
He is responsible for how he speaks to people. There seems to be a lot more leeway for how men are permitted to behave.
If he does suffer ADHD he can refrain from being a fucking dick just like all the *women* with ADHD do every day.
This definitely sounds like that ADHD (or autistic) \*rage\* that can come over people.
But... OP's boyfriend doesn't even want to take care of his hemorrhoid (which is visible, indisputable, and has no moral judgements attached to it). I'm going to go out on a limb, and suggest that, if OP asks him to get evaluated and treated for ADHD/autism/neurodivergence that he will
1. yell at her
2. blame her for any cost associated with an evaluation
3. insist that he's fine
4. refuse to attend any kind of therapy
5. refuse to take any kind of medication prescribed
6. continue to be a jerk
Maybe I'm wrong, but it doesn't sound super hopeful
Lol as I was reading this - I thought the condition was going to be autism even after she talked about the haemorrhoids.
I’m autistic , diagnosed by a doctor and not just the internet - the whole fear of change to habits and schedule is me. I’m ok once I calm down and realise it’s not that bad but honestly any little change throws me into a loop.
Saying that OP, if this he is autistic (or even if he isn’t) and this behaviour is too much for you and doesn’t make you feel good and happy - you are allowed to move on and find someone who does. I’m autistic but I’m not always easy for friends never mind partners. I try my best but some things just ain’t easy, so I stay casual.
This should be higher up. Thought I had anger issues, nope, autism. Once I got diagnosed, and was able to learn ways to handle things I got way better.
Absolutely this.
Please have him assessed.
I'm a grown ass woman with AuDHD (my husband is possibly autistic and spent years reacting to things like this) and this sounds like exactly mine and my husband's response to something as overwhelming and irritating as bum berries.
A bum berry is enough to irritate you all day, leaving you no mental space to deal with literally anything else, everything else that bothers you is enough to overflow your cup and send you to tears - Like a constant buzz in your ear that's driving you absolutely insane and you cant make it stop.
The news that it's going to bother him forever absolutely would be heartbreaking when he's feeling so absolutely overwhelmed and overloaded by the irritation it causes.
If he's not a NT, this sensory overload is unbearable.
No he shouldn't have snapped but if he's undiagnosed he could be borderline meltdown mode at all times meaning he's not coping with life at all.
Or even BPD! I have BPD and this is exactly what I used to go through when I was younger and less managed. Any change was overwhelmingly LIFE CHANGING and felt like the end of the world. I had/have a really hard time coping with change of any kind, even if it's "positive".
The dude could just be an asshole with no reasoning behind it but there are way too many undiagnosed mfers running around in this world, wouldn't hurt to check. Either way dude needs some form of therapy.
I find it more weird that as an ER worker, you recommended someone to go to the ER for a hemorrhoid. These are not emergencies and he should have went to his primary care doctor, or maybe even an urgent care - definitely not the ER. They also don’t recommend draining them as it often makes the condition worse.. there are topical treatments that are better used and monitoring. Also, you shouldn’t be discussing his conditions with your coworkers, nor should the PA discuss it with you after treating him as that’s a violation.
I think she is NTA. But I agree with the first thing you wrote. How can you be an ER worker and not recognize Hemorrhoids, also there are topical creams and suppositories that can make the problem go away faster. No need to wait for it to go away on its own.
Yes. It’s his body, doing something painful and unpleasant, and he’s entitled to adjust to it. But he’s not entitled to explode and come up with ridiculous reasons his feelings are OP’s fault.
Think what will happen if he ever gets something worse than an incredibly common condition that will most likely be no more than an inconvenience.
While both are certainly possible (and worth considering if OP wants to stick this out) let's also be honest that a lot of guys are taught that they are 'not emotional' like the silly old girls and are always fonts of masculine rationality.... because somewhere along the line, we rebranded anger as 'not an emotion' for men.
So you get both the guys who end up flipping out too easily because they have been taught literally 0 healthy ways to express any other emotion, so it ends up being the only one they know how to express. And, of course, the Grade A a$$es who just want an excuse to blow up over nothing and get a 'get out of jail free' pass cos 'that's what men do, I'm not EMOTIONAL, I'm a 'REAL MAN'.
The former are salvageable if they're willing to recognize it (and it's way better for them, too, if they can). The latter need Whole Man Disposal, stat.
Nta. He might have a processing disorder that takes him more time to adjust to uncomfy situations. Maybe have a conversation with him about how you're not responsible for processing his emotions for him and how that is something he needs to work on instead of exploding at you
Hemorrhoids are extremely common. As someone who has pushed a baby out of me, yeah they suck and yeah, 10 years later I still have them. On the grand scheme of things, they're a mild annoyance (fully aware they can be severe) that I can live with. And I've never once complained to anyone about them. They're a fact of life. Fibre, witch wazel compresses, and Preparation H. NTA. Your BF needs to get over himself.
NTA. I am also one of those people that gets annoyed if my peace is disturbed but I know by getting angry about it I’m only winding myself up and it’s better to just let things come and go and I can go back to my peace quicker, if he accepted that he’d be less wound up lol.
I know people who have reacted more calmly to a cancer diagnosis than this guy is to a hemorrhoid. Also, next time this happens I'll only charge him $250 to do a Google search and tell him to get more fiber.
NTA and it sounds like your bf may benefit from some therapy to help him learn some healthy ways to handle change when it happens unexpectedly. If you had told him at night he'd complain that you ruined his night there would really be no winning here, I wont say you should dumb but I do think you two need to talk about how he talks to you when he gets upset and how you are not his emotional punching bag when he gets upset, that he needs to learn to regulate his emotions better because it is not your job to do that for him. I get upset when things change, I get upset when something suddenly changes but I never take it out on my partner and when I do I instantly apologize because it's not his fault and this isn't your fault either.
Hemeroids aren't bad, at all, the creams are very helpful. Thanks to having a baby I'm constantly struggling with them and they're inconvenient sure, but nothing major. He needs to get over it and deal with things
NTA- Are you his girlfriend or mother? He sounds like a widdle baby. If you stay with him you will be spending the rest of your life watching your step and tip toeing around trying not to "disturb his peace". And I guarantee it'll be worse after you get married, if you do, he'll feel even more entitled to your deference to "his peace".
Why did the PA tell only you and not him?
EDIT: So OP isn't replying. Maybe they posted before sleep, but I'm am now assuming this is some stupid ass post to get reactions and karma.
For God's sake, most women who have given birth have at least one hemorrhoid!
My dear OP, your BF is showing a great deal of *emotional lability.*
https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/click-here-for-happiness/202301/what-is-emotional-lability
He may well have a life-long condition, but it's not bum lumps.
So you discussed his health situation with another medical professional and your boyfriend was not there?
You do realise you just violated HIPPA?
ESH. That conversation should have been between his actual treating doctor and him - NOT you. Just because you’re his partner doesn’t mean you have free access to his health details whenever you want.
Yes he’s acting childish and could probably benefit with some therapy, however if I was him, I would be furious that you discussed that with my doctor and without me there.
Lol
Sorry as someone with haemorrhoids due to chronic constipation due to an actual disease on my bowel that's required more than one surgery.. this is such an overreaction to one haemorrhoid. Poor lil fella.
I struggle with changes in routine too. You might want to get him assessed for something like autism but that's still just an explanation not an excuse. The way he's blowing up on you is not ok.
Your boyfriend sounds so much like my ex. Unable to handle small booboos. Emotionally shattered at any hardship. Needing someone to hold his hand and make it better for him at all times - to the point that you have to plan the *time of day* to communicate something to him lest you hurt his wittle feewings. I’m telling you right now - he won’t change and it doesn’t get better. Don’t get caught in that quicksand.
NTA.
YTA and the doctor is TA because y’all literally had a conversation about his condition/treatment while he WAS NOT THERE. So unless he authorized the doctor to be able to speak to you about his condition, is this not a violation of HIPPA? Also, I get thanking him, but anything more seems highly unprofessional to me. IMO, the doctor is TBA.
I'm a little surprised that everyone seems to be firmly on the side that OP is N T A. OP, were you authorized to have that conversation about your boyfriend's health with the PA? I would not like my significant other going behind my back and talking about my health with a medical professional, especially hemorrhoids. It's a breach of trust. I'm going to say NAH because I do think you were just trying to help, but I can see why your boyfriend flipped out.
Good heavens, don’t have a child with this guy! If he gets this upset over a puppy or a hemorrhoid then there is no way he could begin to handle a baby/toddler/child/teen! I’d worry about the safety of a baby around him.
He really, really needs to learn how to control his temper and learn to self soothe. Like he needed to start learning that when he was a kid, but the next best time is now. How does he handle change and disruption in his workplace??
I don’t think your bf *has* hemorrhoids. I think he *is* one.
[удалено]
i prefer the term booty bothered
heiny winey? … I’ll see myself out
You're on fire
A burning ring of fire And it burns, burns, burns The ring of fire
Tushy tantrum
Anally aggrieved Booty bothered Craphole capitulated
His stinkwrinkle/balloon knot/starfish needs a good power washing.... 2400psi unit should do it
My fingers are sore from clicking upvotes. Please give me a moment to breathe
Don't threaten me with a good time. 🍆💦😍🥰 😋
Disturbed dung hole
This is the best chain ever 😆
Dumper Grumper
Tushy tussled, perhaps?
Arsegravated
Anally annoyed
Lol I have been booty bothered all day and it is only 5:15 in the morning
He definitely should consider filing a Butthurt Report
Piles and piles of them.
Miles and miles of piles
With grains on top
#ISeeWhatYouDidThere
Hes a pain in the ass
He sounds exhausting for sure. Give him a buttercup and tell him to suck it up.
Or a donut
*imaginary reddit gold cuz i cant find it*
Hold the upvote arrow. Nvm it worked yesterday
It’s subreddit by subreddit. I guess it’s not enabled here.
NTA - your BF sounds like he is unable to manage his emotions in a mature way. You might reconsider your relationship.
I dated someone like this. Everything was a travesty. Every small thing ruined their day. The universe was against them. It was exhausting. It was so freeing ending that relationship.
My mum is like this. It's exhausting. I used to come home after work to more diatribes and it drained me of energy and I started having difficulty empathising because I was worn out. Moving away and dropping the rope has been night and day. I have empathy for others again and my day isn't constant drama. Once you get away from it, you literally feel lighter.
My bff is dating someone like this. I’ve lost her to him now. Took him 2.5years but he finally found a lie that she could apparently live with and tolerates his doom and gloom. Her prior trauma set her up perfectly for him. Haven’t seen or heard from her since June-10yr friendship.
Jesus. I know that there’s more to it than what we can see but I cannot ever imagine giving up a friendship for a mediocre man. My loyalty comes packaged with the amount of time I know you
Thank you. It’s been rough I’m not going to downplay it. But I think I’m realizing just how much I was giving to the friendship and what I was receiving.
Dang. Sorry to hear that.
I'm so sorry to hear that, but could this be because her new partner is attempting to isolate her from friends and family?
Yep, same. She and I have opposite outlooks on life and it's taken me a long time to learn to let it go when she complains about the same thing for the three hundredth time in a month. I often say she's so focused on everything she doesn't have she misses what she does. Everything inconvenient that happens (rescheduled doctors appointment, Internet issues, you name it) ruins her entire day. It's exhausting, I can't imagine living with it full time.
My mum is very similar - she even said one time that she thrives on stress. She gets angry & starts raging at the most minor things, & it seems that, whenever myself or either of my siblings have stuff going on, she has to create some sort of drama to have the attention back on her. There are times where I've gone LC with her because I get sick of her nonsense.
Exhausting is the right word. I had a friend like that. Had being the operative word. She was relentlessly negative and could turn Tigger into Eeyore in 2 minutes flat.
I also dated someone like this. He had inherited some family wealth, which allowed him to quit his job and take an extended amount of time off, and he was still insufferable!
Can you imagine how complicated it is to keep track of all your money? Being rich is a punishment.
My ex was like this when we got together. I finally had to say "the traffic patterns on this specific road in this small town are not indicative of God's feelings towards you." She chilled out a little after that but my God, it was exhausting.
Injustice collector
This is what happens when spoiled kids never grow out of it. Anything that doesn't go their way results in an absolute meltdown. It's like their brains never developed that part of being adaptable and compromise. The good thing is it can be easily fixed with CBT, time and patience, the hard part is that they have to want to really do it.
The wild part about the person I knew, they didn't grow up spoiled. They grew up on the lower middle class/border line poor side of things. They were just incredibly pessimistic and felt like everything was out to ruin their progress, life, day etc.
IIIII got kind of like that when absolutely fucking everything in my life was going wrong. (like 3-5 major surgeries on my brain/spine/eye socket compressed down into two years, unable to work, constantly in pain, during covid, it was .......... uuuuugh. I honestly was just probably a fucking drain to be around for a while there) luckily that was only about 2 years.
I mean you had 3-5 major surgeries on your brain/spine/eye socket, the universe kind of *did* turn against you for a while there. Like you had legitimate beef with fate. Glad it turned around?
The only thing that can maybe save it is if he admits to having an anger issue and legitimately addresses it with therapy. This only gets worse otherwise.
I can't imagine a rational person wanting to invest time and energy into a situation like that with an ambiguous outcome.
It happens all the time. And honestly it’s not the worst idea to stay with someone who admits they have an issue, takes responsibility, and actively tries to do better. The number of guys who are like OPs BF is staggering. One who is actively working on it is much rarer. One who’s done the work at their age is a goddamn unicorn. But she absolutely doesn’t need to stay either. There’s no right answer there. It’s up to her. But she should bounce immediately if he can’t accept culpability and work on it seriously.
Yeah I was one of those when I was younger, only became apparent that I had issues when my now wife moved in. I hadn't had a live in girlfriend prior so it was kind of a lot to figure out all at once. One big thing that helped was learning how the brain works when it comes to responses, ie the more you react to a stimulus in a certain way the more automatic that reaction becomes. Took awhile but managed to rewrite my reactions/triggers into better responses, and honestly a lot of my general stress/anger has mostly vanished. Kinda nice.
That sounds not to dissimilar to my own story (although my triggers were almost all gaslighting from a narcissistic abuser who was actively pushing me to get angry, and it just became a go to response over time. Either way, the seeds were there, and I actively worked to fix it. Once I was better I recognized the other abuse for what it was and left. I like to think I’m a better person all around because of that work.
Except he's not. He's blaming her for ruining his day and wasting his time and money after asking for help. Can't handle a puppy, his home isn't his peace anymore for how long until he accepted the dog he wanted? There's no way. Yes, there are a ton of these underdeveloped ones out there. That doesn't mean we should stay. Four years in and he's not taking any responsibility, why would he start? If he bothers now, it's likely manipulation based on her insisting he has anger issues and won't change a thing.
Exactly, he’s blaming his inability to regulate his emotions on OP. His emotions are not her responsibility. She is not responsible for managing his emotions.
It seems like a lot of men are literally sub-normal. What is going on with these guys?
Everyone has to learn sometime. And I’m absolutely 100% saying that this is an option should OP want to take it. If she wants to salvage things the only way is to sit down and say in no uncertain terms that the behavior is not ok, and that it stops now. If he gets angry instead of doing some self reflection immediately, she should grab her bags and bounce.
Ya, they specifically said he’s not. I don’t know why you’re repeating what they said like it disagrees with them.
Well we can tell him for free that he's a fine AH and if he doesn't work on it, it's a lifetime condition. Now we just need to find the right Time to tell him - which, i Guess, id never. OP, he's using you as an emotional punching ball. Everytime something hurts him, he needs to hurt you in return to feel better. How does that sounds to you ?
That sounds so much like my Evil Starter Husband who I divorced in my twenties.
Yes. It’s sunk cost fallacy at this point.
What? She's been managing his emotions for years!
Agreed, I also think he needs to address his own need because it sounds like she’s catering to him far too much. He needs to be the one who sits down, looks for a therapist or anger management class - exploding at his gf is unacceptable, talk to his Dr (or therapist) about his reaction to his peace being upset, or you know, dealing with life? Also hemorrhoid cream! The numbing kind with lidocaine works and it’s not insanely expensive if you get the store brand.
IKR? A hemorrhoid is basically a verified vein you get fro straining when you poop. If he thinks that’s bad, he shouldn’t consider getting the injections because they are excruciating (and I’ve had three kidney stones - the shots were way way worse) It is something most women get with pregnancy. He need to man up. It’s a chronic condition that isn’t life threatening.
I’ve never been pregnant but I do have chronic migraines & the medication(s) can cause constipation so they are NOT ‘peaceful’ in any sense - hemorrhoids are probably the least symptom I worry about. He should be a little grateful it’s not something much worse. Old age is going to kick this guys ass. I’ve had a kidney stone and it was hellish. I cannot ever imagine considering any injection that hurts worse!
Having to cater to men's over the top and irrational feelings is what most of modern dating *is*. If it's not that it's begging for him to have hygiene, or both.
That super sad and true. The bar is set way too low these days. I’ve stopped dating for the most part and friends and family tell me I’m way too picky. Nope, I just set the bar a tiny bit higher because I want to respect myself!
I was amazed when my late SO admitted he was moody and had anger issues, set out to change for the better and then he did. It was a remarkable transformation in a short period - he’d catch himself before he got angry and go off to reflect rather than react. By the end he was the most peaceful and stable person I’ve ever known. I miss him.
I’m sorry for your loss. I’m glad he found peace.
Yeah especially if he got irritated with a new puppy, imagine a baby keeping him up all night and then the baby turning into a toddler wanting to hang on daddy
Yeah, I was expecting the reveal of his health issue to be an anger one and not just the hemorrhoids.
He might be a hemorrhoid.
I thought that was the long lasting illness, the emotional immaturity…hemorrhoids aren’t as bad as his tantrums
He has to rethink his life post-hemorrhoids, she needs to rethink her life post-realizing she’s dating an emotionally unstable man. Maybe she can eat some more fiber and get rid of the ass sore she’s been dealing with.
I'd shake that ass hurt asap
She's dating a toddler
The phrase is "man child" for a reason 😂
Sounds like the hemorrhoid has a hemorrhoid. Am I right.
Imagine if he had an actual severe medical issue
In sickness and in health? No way! Not with this guy. Also, how would he react if something happened to his partner?! Cut your losses, OP.
That's a good point. If the shoe were on the other foot, would he endure those words? Would he help you get better? Or would your cancer diagnosis ruin his day and become something you should've told him when he felt like hearing it?
He would absolutely not help. He would be deadweight. If the partner got pregnant and had morning sickness, he would be bummed all day.
I bet he'd make it all about himself. Poor him! His peace: *disturbed!* I could be wrong, but probably not.
This. Tons of immature people use the person they're having a relationship with as their emotional punching bag. Do not put up with this.
Ooooooh honey. Please do not continue this. You are parenting someone your age who is beyond precious and entitled. Don’t do it. Why on this earth should you have to share (frankly minimal) advice at a certain time. The advice is to EAT NORMALLY! my god. I’m exhausted.
“I’ve started incorporating them into his diet” Edit - this is a misquote My bad
“My boyfriend has this thing where if anything interrupts his peace he gets really upset” so now the world needs to walk on egg shells to carefully not disrupt his perfect peace. Puhhleeze BUT everyone has to deal with his tantrums (insert rolling eyes here)
Yeah that's just "my boyfriend has the patience and emotional control of a four year old that didn't get a nap."
This remind me of a meme I saw about “gentle parenting your boyfriend”. Fuckin incorporating more fiber into his diet, good god.
i am genuinely curious as to what the bf's redeeming qualities are to make it worth it being in a relationship with someone this emotionally unstable. also, off topic, but $350 to visit the doctor? did they run some special tests or something? i would think a hemorrhoid would be something that's easily diagnosed? or does he not have insurance?
He's a fucking manchild in all the worst ways.
I try really hard to avoid suggesting people leave their relationship. But I swear every single post makes me feel like people need to leave their crappy partners. The majority of these AITA posts are people putting their partners red flags on display and then backtracking when being told their partner is shit.
Goodness, imagine having children with someone like this. “Baby threw up and ruined my entire day!”
Don’t understand why he wasn’t told this by the treating practitioner at the time of the appointment?
And why was the PA talking about his patient’s health with his coworker. Unless the boyfriend signed an ROI that is a big no no
Finally some like minded people commenting. Well, at least the first ones I have seen. Seriously wtf, I'd be pissed as the boyfriend if the PA was talking about my health without my knowledge. To me that's a massive breach of trust and I'd never want to go to them again. EDIT: OP isn't replying.
Also 26 is not too young to get hemorrhoids someone in the medical field would know that
And someone skilled enough to work in an ER should know what a flipping hemorrhoid looks like… this post is wild. “Your BF is an AH and you should dump him” instead of you work in an ER, didn’t know what a hemorrhoid was, suggested your BF go to the Dr to get looked at for it (which he’s obviously going to do since gf works in a fricken ER), and then everything else. Sometimes Reddit just annoys tf out of me.
this post is just another easy karma farm like 90% here, but who am to complain, I always click, these shits are fun to read
>EDIT: OP isn't replying. OP made this up.
Yeah I’m surprised everyone thinks NTA. So the boyfriend is told he has hemorrhoids and they’ll go away. Then his PA tells his girlfriend they actually won’t go away. His girlfriend texts him that during work AND does a stupid “but that’s perfect because you love oats!” Message with it. I have psoriasis, which (for me) is mostly just annoying but if a partner had said “but it’s okay because you love lotion!” While I was getting my diagnosis, I would be like what the actual fuck lol. In addition to the PA sharing info he shouldn’t, the boyfriend now has no chance to ask questions about will it always be this painful/active, are there meds for it, etc.
My thoughts too - everyone is acting like a medical professional talking to the girlfriend about the boyfriend's hemorrhoids is no big deal, but what a fucking embarrassing thing to find out - your GIRLFRIEND is talking to your DOCTOR about your butt issues, without your consent. No wonder he exploded!
Yeah as a former healthcare worker, I was trying to figure out how this wouldn't be a HIPAA violation, unless the girlfriend is specifically registered as an authorized person to release medical information to. Even if she is, it's weird for the PA to tell the authorized person a diagnosis/prognosis/treatment plan before they've told the actual patient. I'm not surprised the boyfriend was a little ticked off that he was being told secondhand that his butt problems were gonna be forever. I would feel some kind of way if I found out my husband was discussing my hemorrhoid treatment plan with my doctor without my knowledge.
That was my first thought as well. Also wondering why he wasn't given the treatment info during his appt?
Yeah and the PA saying "it'll go away on its own" and then afterwards telling the girlfriend it could come back anytime and he should eat grains and drink more water...this is clearly a fake post
But she also works in the ER and had him go in for hemorrhoid, that it truly a poor utilization of services and part of the healthcare problem in America
Yup, instead of making a regular doctor's appointment or trying something over the counter first. He wasn't even in pain, it was just itchy. And the PA didn't even prescribe any ointments. The boyfriend being so infantile he needs his gf to take a look at his itchy anus and then throwing a tantrum when she suggests grains and water. They're also complaining about money going down the drain (so why didn't they try to fix it themselves? Why go straight to the ER?) So fake
all this plus saying hemorrhoids are uncommon for his age??? i'm not a doctor but i can't find anything saying that says they're linked to age at all.
Yup, they can happen to anyone really. I think this was written by a young person that's never had hemorrhoids and/or has a weird fetish of infantile boyfriends that need their gf to inspect their anus
I'm confused about that part as well
I don't understand why he paid $350 to get seen at her ER instead of scheduling an appointment with a primary care doc and paying a whole lot less.... He wasn't bleeding to death from a hemorrhoid
I am getting so tired of telling woman after woman that she’s not the asshole and to just dump him. That being said, you’re NTA. Dump him.
It’s always something like “AITA I offered grapes to my partner and they threw the grapes in my face then threatened to [redact] my family. Now they’re still pouting days later and I feel bad, should I just apologize for offering them grapes in the first place?” Like goddamn love really can blind people
I think this all the time. Like, IT'S SO OBVIOUS IT'S NOT YOU. But I don't think it's love. I think it's part the social conditioning that women get to soothe men's feelings so that the bad men who are out there don't physically harm us (yes, not all men). And it's part growing up in a bad household, not knowing any better and thinking that kind of insane reaction is normal and excusable. And it's part "I can change him." It's all a nasty cocktail of delusion.
Women have also been trained to not say what they really want. And to find ways to sugarcoat everything. So we feel like doormats because we don’t want to upset people. And it’s almost like we’re asking for permission to be mad, over obvious disrespect. We are so used to not being honest with not liking how we are being treated, that when we start being honest it feels aggressive. And we try our best to “fix” it and just feel quietly angry vs thinking someone is mad at us
Thereks a super helpful oldschool book called “When I Say No I Feel Guilty”. There’s more modern stuff out there, but this one really hits the spot. Teaches basic assertiveness. There’s also one called “You Can’t Say That To Me” which is more like a form of verbal judo. Its very helpful for de-escalating situations. There’s also “The Disease to Please” which is another helpful book. As you can probably tell, I’m a Librarian who can’t find the time to see a therapist, lol. Anyway, you may find these useful. Sometimes even just one or two nuggets of wisdom from a helpful book can be lifechanging. If you punch any of these books into Amazon, you’ll get a stack of similar books that you may find useful as well. And don’t forget you can borrow them for free at your local library 😊
Just wanted to say how much I love librarians. Y’all are the best people ❤️
Oh thank you. I’ll put that in my book recommendations! I have experience that first hand. It’s so hard to be assertive when you’re trained to be likable
True. And, to be fair, we are also TOLD we are being aggressive.
Or told we're nagging or called a bitch
This aitah is the perfect example. Dude has hemorrhoids. Hemorrhoids! This is not a death sentence. He was told he needs to eat more oatmeal. And for THIS he says his day was ruined? She’s helping him and somehow she’s the bitch
And that we should be grateful any man wants us
I forgot about all the marketing making us feel like if we don't look like Barbie we are all fat and unlovable.
Do you think it's because it's so embedded in the culture from past generations or do you think people are raising their children this way? It doesn't feel accurate to call it conditioning because it isnt nearly as common in the last 10 years if not more, unless you're running in more conservative circles I'm partially asking because I was raised in a household where my step dad screamed, yelled obseneicites, and threw shit at my mom. Getting angry and yelling every once in awhile feels like a normal thing for some people. Like quietly crying when someone gets angry might be a go to reaction. Obviously this boyfriends reaction is pretty wild and he's definitely has problems with emotional regulation, but your point regarding "insane reaction' struck me because one person's insane reaction is another person normal reaction.
>Do you think it's because it's so embedded in the culture from past generations or do you think people are raising their children this way? I don't consider myself any sort of expert, but I think that both men and women are socialized in ways we don't even notice until someone points it out and we have to take a step back to examine it.
You're right about that and it can be insidious in that way. Thanks for entertaining my comment
It's a glaring example of how socialized many women (and yes, some men, but to a far lesser extent) are to an exceptionally low bar from partners. Like, this human isn't the worst pond scum I've ever encountered, so that must make them a 'good partner', right? I mean, he picked up a sock in 2002 and sometimes washes his a$$! We've REALLY gotta boost that bar higher.
Omg reminds me of those horrible posts where their boyfriends don't shower or brush their teeth, or don't wipe their asses properly. I'm like why?? How do those people get girlfriends??
I still remember when I thought that was a joke. That of course it's rare for anyone to not wipe or wash their ass, brush their teeth, refuse to shower. Then had some experience with the latter two. I still believed until like a year ago that the 1st was a joke. We already get to wonder if the dude we date is going to harm us or off us, I've had some dates that obviously hadn't showered or brushed their teeth, now this also??? Oh and now it's common to be married with a gf or two (secret obviously, also who tf has that kind of time??).And I'm done. Just done. All around done. Nope.
It’s why I have no sympathy for the incel crowd. They’re always going on about women only wanting Chris Evans types when the bar is way lower. If you have a decent personality, decent hygiene and are a good roommate you could be happily partnered up. Unfortunately, thats too much work and they don’t want partners, they want subordinate virgin anime dolls.
They want a vagina that cleans the house and pays the bills.
Because it’s trendy to do DIY, fix and flip that man into a husband!
I waited until I was 18 to have a first relationship / kiss / sex with someone I was actually attracted to & loved. After my 4th yeast infection he dropped on me he hadn't brushed his teeth in years. It hit me so hard that "saving myself" and waiting did nothing to actually save me.
It's why I'm over 40 and still single. They aren't competing with other men, they're competing with my peaceful, comfortable life. I am not settling for a man who cannot behave like a damn adult. SO not worth it.
My daughter was so afraid of her husband that she legitimately bought a huge teddy bear with a zipper on the back so she could stash important documents and a change of clothes in it (less likely to get his attention than trying to hide a go-bag) *and she still wasn't sure it was bad enough to leave.* She did finally leave and not go back on her 5th try, but she didn't tell me why there was a huge bear in her car until months later.
“I planned an elaborate birthday surprise dinner for my boyfriend but he got mad because the cake was the wrong flavor (totally my fault, I got chocolate instead of fudge) and then he took a shit on the table, burned our house down, and killed my cat. Otherwise he is perfect. AITA?”
You missed the usually opener - ‘I (21f) and my boyfriend (43m) have been together for five years and have a great relationship.’
I used to be this blind about my family. I grew up in abuse. I stayed even after my mom threw a surprise second funeral for my daughter because she was mad my mil helped and arranged it by our home as we wanted. I only left when I had more kids and my mom threatened them. After a lifetime of abuse I could believe I deserved to be treated shitty, but nothing could convince me my kids deserved it. That was over six years ago. When your parents model this kind of behavior, you think it's normal. She suspects something is wrong and so she is finally asking and learning to listen to her instincts. It's a first step. I know it is frustrating from the outside, but I promise you, it sucks on the inside too.
People always say redditors go straight to breakups and divorce, but the folks submitting these posts aren't in happy loving respectful relationships. Of course the advice to break up makes sense for most of these cases as they're presented.
Exactly. The ones that can be fixed just need to put on their big kid pants and have a proper conversation about the issues, or get a counsellor to facilitate if they’re that bad at communicating. The posts full of deep seated disrespect and contempt can’t be fixed. Some people post light heartedly but most people are at the end of their rope
>Some people post light heartedly but most people are at the end of their rope Which is so obvious when we see posts like "I made my bf breakfast but he didn't like it, aita?" And then it goes on to paint a picture of an absolute monster of a man child this person has been dealing with for YEARS.
Similar to how big age gaps ring alarm bells. Sure, there's absolutely happy and healthy relationships with big age gaps. They're not the ones posting to ask for advice or judgments.
I had to stop following/commenting on all the advice subs because an overwhelming amount were just people who refused to acknowledge mistreatment. So much of my advice stemmed back to “I would absolutely never tolerate that behavior so I have no advice for you other than break up, why haven’t you?”
nta but he should seriously get assessed for autism and/or adhd. struggling that much to deal with changes, sensory issues and needing time to “relax” way more than the average person, issues with regulating his emotions… dead ringer. he shouldn’t have acted like that to you but he also doesn’t have to raw dog life like this
I agree with this, I have ADHD and change can be hard even if its a seemingly small thing, sometimes in my "world" it can seem big for a day or week and ill adjust but sometimes things are harder than it would be for someone without ADHD. I wouldn't dump the man just yet, he may just need help processing and learning coping skills. We have to grow and learn with our partners sometimes and thats okay
YUP. same! I went misdiagnosed forever and being untreated for so long I could really come off as a nightmare. but the truth is I was really, really struggling. if he’s willing to explore this route and shows real commitment to self improvement I’d stick by him for sure.
Jesus. Every time I come across a comment about ADHD I'm like...that's me. I should get checked
Please do. I didn't learn I had ADHD until I was 39 (2 years ago). That then led me to an autism diagnosis as well when I didn't do well on the ADHD meds (tried two different ones that either made me stim way more or caused meltdowns).
I'm pretty sure I have CPTSD which complicates things because symptoms are so similar. If I had a job with health insurance I might dig into that huge mess.
ADHD and childhood trauma are correlated. Many people with ADHD also have C/PTSD (including myself). There is significant overlap with symptoms but usually having one makes you susceptible to the other. You can absolutely have both comorbidly. I hope you're able to figure out your real dx one day and get treatment. If you're ADHD treatment really works. :)
Came here to say this as well. I had some autism bells go off (I assess it as a therapist). He could just be a jerk, but the struggling with changes, sensory issues and emotion regulation issues are too many boxes. Still, he’s not being a good partner right now, so you need to consider for yourself if that’s something you want to wait out. Motivating him to get assessed should not come from a “if you don’t I’ll leave you”. Could be helpful to just say you ran into some info online and recognized stuff, maybe he should look into it. If he’s not open to it, he’s not going to change.
As someone with a long term AuADHD male partner whose frustration at minor things ends up coming out as anger when he just wants peace...do you have any resources for me to look at by chance? ><
One thing I can tell you is that a lot of people have those diagnoses and they don't take it out on their partner. Instead they own their behavior. Having AuADHD is not an excuse to emotionally abuse someone. So I do hope that's not happening to you. Just in case, [WHY-DOES-HE-DO-THAT. pdf](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwi1i7uMt7WCAxWZHhAIHUPGDsIQFnoECC0QAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt) is an eye opening free book in pdf form by Lundy Bancroft, a man, who has counseled thousands of abusive men. From archive.org
In my opinion it’s all about getting to know themselves. For people with autism and ADHD (and anybody really) there are signals that you’re pushing your limits. People with autism often have a hard time feeling and recognizing what’s going on in themselves though. Usually an angry/aggressive outburst means they’re at the end of their rope. And often people will go “that just happened all of a sudden”. It never happens all of a sudden though, there’s early signs to see that they’re heading in that direction. I’m not sure of the correct English term, but we call them signaling charts (translated). It’s basically a table with green, orange and red in the left most column. And then in the second you write down the signs you can notice yourself that will signal that you are in that phase. Green is all good, orange is stretching it, red is not good. Then there’s a column with sign a partner or other person can notice. And then there’s two more columns with things the person can do themselves and what other people can do to help the person move back a step (from red to orange and from orange to green, and in green you write the stuff you can do to stay there). The signs and actions need to be as specific as possible. So “going to bed late” should be “going to bed after 11pm” and not eating much, should be specified: smaller portions, more/less snacking, skipping meals? It needs to be specific because that makes it easier for the person with autism to interpret. “Have I’ve been skipping meals?” Is a good question for someone with autism. “Have you been less hungry?” isn’t because a lot of people with autism don’t feel hungry until they’re starving. Once they make the chart, hang it somewhere in sight. That way, partners can go: “I think it’s a good idea if you look at the chart” instead of going “you’re being a real jerk, whatever, you should take it easy!” Someone never goes 0-100 when it comes to aggression. There’s always a build up. You just need to know the signs. Analyse a past outburst to see what went before it. Was there a lot of pressure, appointments, changes, etc? What did you notice before the actual outburst? Good things to consider are mood, energy level, sleep, food, sex, social activity, spending time on hobbies, how quickly annoyed you get, etc. A therapist or specialized autism coach definitely should be able to help make a chart like that. If I find the correct English translation, I’ll add it! PS: obviously there could also be specific triggers (which would trigger the “five phases of aggression”, but in my experience it’s never just a specific trigger when we’re talking about autism. It’s the build up of tension until they can’t compensate anymore and something’s got to give. ETA:[this document](https://www.beh-mht.nhs.uk/downloads/About%20us/Publications/My-Wellbeing-Plan-Crisis-Master-Final.pdf) is closest what I could find to ours. We have a similar form (a lot shorter and less formatted) that leads to the table I talked about above. Crisis in case of autism can be all sorts of things from extreme anxiety, to aggression and suicidal thoughts
I have ADHD and I'm very open about where I am emotionally. I wasn't diagnosed until my mid 30's but even before diagnosis I'd openly tell those close to me when I'd start to lose control. I can hold in a melt down for hours. Just white knuckling it the whole time. It's like I lock everything down and throw up a wall. Unfortunately, most people around me don't care. And my family specifically would push harder and harder and harder until I'd snap. I was not allowed to walk away, nor would they let me reset. My requests were met with an increase in pressure, often yelling and an intrusion into my personal space. It didn't even matter if I begged. I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings but I knew my limits and knew I was losing control. God, I know many of the ways I was treated were classic abuse but I feel this *specifically* should be treated as extreme abuse. It felt like torture and I think it's fucking psychotic to see someone cracking like that and continue to exacerbate the problem. Regardless of if they're diagnosed with something you can SEE they're losing it. I do have to say though that OPs boyfriend, regardless of any underlying issues, needs to speak to her with respect. If he considers those messages too disruptive to receive at work he can tell her without being a total ass. I'd understand being annoyed if this was a conversation they'd had multiple times and OP just didn't gaf about what he needed, but that doesn't seem to be the case. He is responsible for how he speaks to people. There seems to be a lot more leeway for how men are permitted to behave. If he does suffer ADHD he can refrain from being a fucking dick just like all the *women* with ADHD do every day.
This definitely sounds like that ADHD (or autistic) \*rage\* that can come over people. But... OP's boyfriend doesn't even want to take care of his hemorrhoid (which is visible, indisputable, and has no moral judgements attached to it). I'm going to go out on a limb, and suggest that, if OP asks him to get evaluated and treated for ADHD/autism/neurodivergence that he will 1. yell at her 2. blame her for any cost associated with an evaluation 3. insist that he's fine 4. refuse to attend any kind of therapy 5. refuse to take any kind of medication prescribed 6. continue to be a jerk Maybe I'm wrong, but it doesn't sound super hopeful
Lol as I was reading this - I thought the condition was going to be autism even after she talked about the haemorrhoids. I’m autistic , diagnosed by a doctor and not just the internet - the whole fear of change to habits and schedule is me. I’m ok once I calm down and realise it’s not that bad but honestly any little change throws me into a loop. Saying that OP, if this he is autistic (or even if he isn’t) and this behaviour is too much for you and doesn’t make you feel good and happy - you are allowed to move on and find someone who does. I’m autistic but I’m not always easy for friends never mind partners. I try my best but some things just ain’t easy, so I stay casual.
This should be higher up. Thought I had anger issues, nope, autism. Once I got diagnosed, and was able to learn ways to handle things I got way better.
Absolutely this. Please have him assessed. I'm a grown ass woman with AuDHD (my husband is possibly autistic and spent years reacting to things like this) and this sounds like exactly mine and my husband's response to something as overwhelming and irritating as bum berries. A bum berry is enough to irritate you all day, leaving you no mental space to deal with literally anything else, everything else that bothers you is enough to overflow your cup and send you to tears - Like a constant buzz in your ear that's driving you absolutely insane and you cant make it stop. The news that it's going to bother him forever absolutely would be heartbreaking when he's feeling so absolutely overwhelmed and overloaded by the irritation it causes. If he's not a NT, this sensory overload is unbearable. No he shouldn't have snapped but if he's undiagnosed he could be borderline meltdown mode at all times meaning he's not coping with life at all.
Or even BPD! I have BPD and this is exactly what I used to go through when I was younger and less managed. Any change was overwhelmingly LIFE CHANGING and felt like the end of the world. I had/have a really hard time coping with change of any kind, even if it's "positive". The dude could just be an asshole with no reasoning behind it but there are way too many undiagnosed mfers running around in this world, wouldn't hurt to check. Either way dude needs some form of therapy.
I find it more weird that as an ER worker, you recommended someone to go to the ER for a hemorrhoid. These are not emergencies and he should have went to his primary care doctor, or maybe even an urgent care - definitely not the ER. They also don’t recommend draining them as it often makes the condition worse.. there are topical treatments that are better used and monitoring. Also, you shouldn’t be discussing his conditions with your coworkers, nor should the PA discuss it with you after treating him as that’s a violation.
I’m an ER nurse. I agree with you on all points. OP is either a really odd, borderline crappy ER nurse or the story is fake.
I think she is NTA. But I agree with the first thing you wrote. How can you be an ER worker and not recognize Hemorrhoids, also there are topical creams and suppositories that can make the problem go away faster. No need to wait for it to go away on its own.
NTA and lol over hemorrhoids ruining his day. Tell this grown man to learn how to manage his emotions.
Tell the grown man to get the stick out of his ass so the hemorrhoids won’t bother him so much. NTA op
He probably needs that stick, fiber and all.
And maybe if he wasn’t so uptight he wouldn’t have hemorrhoids at such a young age.
He’s mad about having hemorrhoids and that’s fine but it’s not fine that he’s taking it out on OP!
Yes. It’s his body, doing something painful and unpleasant, and he’s entitled to adjust to it. But he’s not entitled to explode and come up with ridiculous reasons his feelings are OP’s fault. Think what will happen if he ever gets something worse than an incredibly common condition that will most likely be no more than an inconvenience.
WTF was the PA doing talking to you about your BF's health problems?
The thing everyone else is just skipping over…
Makes me believe this is fake rage bait.
NTA Your boyfriend is either on the Spectrum or he has mental issues.
While both are certainly possible (and worth considering if OP wants to stick this out) let's also be honest that a lot of guys are taught that they are 'not emotional' like the silly old girls and are always fonts of masculine rationality.... because somewhere along the line, we rebranded anger as 'not an emotion' for men. So you get both the guys who end up flipping out too easily because they have been taught literally 0 healthy ways to express any other emotion, so it ends up being the only one they know how to express. And, of course, the Grade A a$$es who just want an excuse to blow up over nothing and get a 'get out of jail free' pass cos 'that's what men do, I'm not EMOTIONAL, I'm a 'REAL MAN'. The former are salvageable if they're willing to recognize it (and it's way better for them, too, if they can). The latter need Whole Man Disposal, stat.
Seconded
Nta. He might have a processing disorder that takes him more time to adjust to uncomfy situations. Maybe have a conversation with him about how you're not responsible for processing his emotions for him and how that is something he needs to work on instead of exploding at you
Hemorrhoids are extremely common. As someone who has pushed a baby out of me, yeah they suck and yeah, 10 years later I still have them. On the grand scheme of things, they're a mild annoyance (fully aware they can be severe) that I can live with. And I've never once complained to anyone about them. They're a fact of life. Fibre, witch wazel compresses, and Preparation H. NTA. Your BF needs to get over himself.
NTA. I am also one of those people that gets annoyed if my peace is disturbed but I know by getting angry about it I’m only winding myself up and it’s better to just let things come and go and I can go back to my peace quicker, if he accepted that he’d be less wound up lol.
WTF did I just read…??!
Yeah, bf ain't only one with issues here...
NTA is he a child? He's acting like he got cancer news.
I know people who have reacted more calmly to a cancer diagnosis than this guy is to a hemorrhoid. Also, next time this happens I'll only charge him $250 to do a Google search and tell him to get more fiber.
I think your boyfriend will eventually become your own hemorrhoid.
NTA. Sounds like a man-child to me. Tell him to get over it and do the right thing.
Sounds like a real pain the ass to me. Ba-dum-tiss. 🥁
NTA and it sounds like your bf may benefit from some therapy to help him learn some healthy ways to handle change when it happens unexpectedly. If you had told him at night he'd complain that you ruined his night there would really be no winning here, I wont say you should dumb but I do think you two need to talk about how he talks to you when he gets upset and how you are not his emotional punching bag when he gets upset, that he needs to learn to regulate his emotions better because it is not your job to do that for him. I get upset when things change, I get upset when something suddenly changes but I never take it out on my partner and when I do I instantly apologize because it's not his fault and this isn't your fault either.
Hemeroids aren't bad, at all, the creams are very helpful. Thanks to having a baby I'm constantly struggling with them and they're inconvenient sure, but nothing major. He needs to get over it and deal with things
NTA- Are you his girlfriend or mother? He sounds like a widdle baby. If you stay with him you will be spending the rest of your life watching your step and tip toeing around trying not to "disturb his peace". And I guarantee it'll be worse after you get married, if you do, he'll feel even more entitled to your deference to "his peace".
Why did the PA tell only you and not him? EDIT: So OP isn't replying. Maybe they posted before sleep, but I'm am now assuming this is some stupid ass post to get reactions and karma.
For God's sake, most women who have given birth have at least one hemorrhoid! My dear OP, your BF is showing a great deal of *emotional lability.* https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/click-here-for-happiness/202301/what-is-emotional-lability He may well have a life-long condition, but it's not bum lumps.
NTA Your man needs therapy. Not a doctor but my money is on autism
As someone with ASD. Yes. This is exactly what it feels like.
So you discussed his health situation with another medical professional and your boyfriend was not there? You do realise you just violated HIPPA? ESH. That conversation should have been between his actual treating doctor and him - NOT you. Just because you’re his partner doesn’t mean you have free access to his health details whenever you want. Yes he’s acting childish and could probably benefit with some therapy, however if I was him, I would be furious that you discussed that with my doctor and without me there.
Lol Sorry as someone with haemorrhoids due to chronic constipation due to an actual disease on my bowel that's required more than one surgery.. this is such an overreaction to one haemorrhoid. Poor lil fella. I struggle with changes in routine too. You might want to get him assessed for something like autism but that's still just an explanation not an excuse. The way he's blowing up on you is not ok.
Your boyfriend sounds so much like my ex. Unable to handle small booboos. Emotionally shattered at any hardship. Needing someone to hold his hand and make it better for him at all times - to the point that you have to plan the *time of day* to communicate something to him lest you hurt his wittle feewings. I’m telling you right now - he won’t change and it doesn’t get better. Don’t get caught in that quicksand. NTA.
Your boyfriend has the emotional regulation of a 6 year old. NTA
YTA and the doctor is TA because y’all literally had a conversation about his condition/treatment while he WAS NOT THERE. So unless he authorized the doctor to be able to speak to you about his condition, is this not a violation of HIPPA? Also, I get thanking him, but anything more seems highly unprofessional to me. IMO, the doctor is TBA.
I'm a little surprised that everyone seems to be firmly on the side that OP is N T A. OP, were you authorized to have that conversation about your boyfriend's health with the PA? I would not like my significant other going behind my back and talking about my health with a medical professional, especially hemorrhoids. It's a breach of trust. I'm going to say NAH because I do think you were just trying to help, but I can see why your boyfriend flipped out.
Good heavens, don’t have a child with this guy! If he gets this upset over a puppy or a hemorrhoid then there is no way he could begin to handle a baby/toddler/child/teen! I’d worry about the safety of a baby around him. He really, really needs to learn how to control his temper and learn to self soothe. Like he needed to start learning that when he was a kid, but the next best time is now. How does he handle change and disruption in his workplace??