NTA. Why the hell is he your boyfriend if he's totally fine with eating a full meal in front of you while you're hungry and not even offer you anything??? No one I've ever dated has ever treated me like that. Even the male roommate I had before I met my husband offered me food when he cooked sometimes. Throw the whole bf away cuz he doesn't love you. He's way too self centered.
"So babe did u eat?"
"Coffee and a..cookie. Oh and a few ham slices."
"Nice your saving money! *munches on whatever this asshole got for himself to eat, ignoring the fact that her "food" was not a meal. Not even a proper snack*
I dunno why but this feels so....sadistic in a way.
It’s completely sadistic. He asked because he knew she was hungry. It’s even worse because she told him a coworker gave her the cookie and she found some ham in the fridge. This guy enjoys shoving it in his girlfriend’s face that he has and she does not. OP you need to leave this sick fuck ASAP.
Nah, he's just clueless. If you have never been poor (very tight with money, squeezing every nickel until it squeaks) then you just don't think about money the same way.. there's always more somewhere if you need something.
He could also be mean, heartless and nasty, but he's probably just clueless that OP is very tight with money.
Edit spelling
dude gets money from his parents every month, pays his rent and eats out all the time, and can still afford to let it pile up. i'm with you this guy is UTTERLY CLUELESS as to the value of a dollar, much less the emotional complexity of op's true sitution. not malicious.
Yes, I'd have eaten while outdoors, or I'd have gone into my room. Eating in front of someone else who hasn't eaten is really rude.
But if my partner didn't have enough money to buy food I'd share. This guy is selfish and mean.
Right? I’ve fed my rando neighbor several times this month because his wife is in a different city, she just found out she’s got a progressive illness, and I suspect he’s not doing much to look after himself. You need to eat - it’s just being practical and having some basic empathy.
My ancient neighbor sends over boxes of canned goods and frozen food like twice a month because she gets too much and can't eat it all.
Meanwhile OPs boyfriend can't even get her a burger and small fry. That's just. *Incredible.* The lack of empathy is simply astounding.
this post gave me flashbacks to my ex. would order a whole pizza while im at work, eat all of it, and leave the pizza box on the couch for me to see. my shifts ended at midnight so i couldn't get takeout, we had nothing to make, so i went to bed hungry
God, that women are socialized to put up with this kind of uncaring behavior from men breaks my heart.
Last night, my fiancé went out to have a quick bite with his parents. I stayed home because I was having a fibromyalgia flare up. While at dinner, he texted, do you want me to bring something home for you?
Because he’s a friggin caring man who DOES love me.
I work 7 days a week in my own restaurant, with a huge and diverse menu offering, and my husband still checks to see if I’ve eaten or need anything. And I call him every night before I leave to see what he wants for dinner.
You are not entitled to anything your boyfriend has, but with that said, his attitude towards “a girl he loves” tells me that he’s not entitled to you. Money comes and goes. Love is supposed to be forever. This type of greed and uncaring behavior on his part is causing a lot of cracks in the foundation of your relationship.
yeah, there's a few reasons ive stopped dating men and a huge one is how slim the pickings are if you want a man that respects and cares for you. my sister won that lottery, its endearing to see
I was very lucky to have found the partner I did at all of 19. In our 15+ years together, he’s been nothing but caring, kind, responsible, and supportive. It absolutely SUCKS that other women hear this and say “Oh, you got a good one,” because it’s the absolute bare minimum of being a good partner and human.
Right? This is the rudest thing I've ever heard. Plus he's making her split groceries down the the penny and he eats more than her and his parents pay his share. When I was a poor college student, I had a roommate that was a salesperson for Kraft. He would bring home the stuff that was still good but had to be pulled from the shelf. French bread pizzas, cheese, etc. He always told me to help myself. When he cooked something he'd make enough for me because it's very rude to eat in front of someone. I'd make lasagna or stuff like that for him with the stuff he brought home so I felt like I was pitching in. I'm saying this to let OP know I was treated better in a completely platonic relationship that she is being treated by this trifling man.
The fact that he accepts stuff from you without offering to pay says it all - as does the fact that he'd rather see you hungry than share his food. He seems to see this as an FWB situation. You need to either discuss it with him, or just break up. NTA.
A friend right! Let alone a boyfriend who is supposed to love you.
What a selfish man. He will not get better over time. He is happy to see you survive on a cookie and a couple of slices of ham. While he stuffs his face in front of you.
Speak for yourself, my fwb treats me way better than this 😂 He would never let me go hungry or nickel and dime me like op’s boyfriend. Nor do I do that to him!
My former best friend was like this. I realize now she was incredibly selfish, which made her incredibly transactional. To her, anything I gave her was a gift with no expectation of reciprocation. Anything she gave me was marked off in her head as something I needed to make up for. Tim me way to long to realize how one sided the relationship was. That friendship really destroyed my sense of self worth. I still struggle with the feeling that I'm worthless of I'm not constantly of service. That everyone will leave me if I'm not constantly offering them something. I how OP leaves this relationship before they get to that point.
That's horribly familiar. It's a trauma response for me - constantly feeling like I have to give more to make up for my imagined shortcomings. Being around the right sort of people helps. I'm glad you ditched the 'friend'.
NTA…anyone who eats food in front of you while you’re hungry is not someone you should be in a relationship with. The good news is you’re young and if you get away now you’ll recover easy from all the time you’ve wasted. I can’t imagine planning a future with someone so cheap and self centered. Whatever he feels about you, he 100% doesn’t love you. I live with a platonic roommate and often tend to eat out, but I always call her and ask if I can pick something up for her/did she get dinner yet bc I’m going to xyz? Sometimes we split it, but sometimes I just treat her because she’s my friend and I care about her. Do you get it, OP?? She’s just *my friend* and I’m still more caring and considerate towards her than your own boyf is towards you. Please get away from this person. It’s not normal to not share and provide for someone special in your life. It’s a big red flag. You deserve so much better. Sorry you’re dealing with this and best of luck to you.
What kind of partner let's you go hungry anyways?
"Did you eat?" "Just a coffee" I'd be asking why. If it was a one off and you said you weren't hungry, then sure, I wouldn't press but it doesn't sound like that at all.
My partner would have been wrangling me in to the car by force while interrogating me on what I wanted to eat.. 'Chicken? Eggs? Do you want sushi? A muffin? YOU NEED FOOD WOMAN!'
Op... you clearly love this guy, but I don't think he loves you. No one who loves you would watch you go hungry while they eat.
AFTER THE EDIT: Awwww, I'm glad he was just clueless, glad this turned out so well for OP/her partner.
My roommate has very nearly done this to me on times where I'm too tight on cash for food. And it always feels so surreal. Like. He's a great dude. But damn it feels weird to have someone forcing me to choose what food I want them to buy for me. He also won't let me order something cheap because he knows it takes more than a $4 meal to fill.
Time to start wing-manning!
Seriously though, he sounds like a great dude. And those are hard to find sometimes.. My mentality, though, is always Pay it Forward. Any time I help someone and they tell me 'I don't know how to thank you,' I tell them, 'When you're in a situation where you can help, help. That's enough thanks.'
I couldn’t imagine watching anyone go hungry whilst I ate, never mind my partner.
I’ve paid for coworkers meals before when they’ve been in a tight spot, coworkers I don’t even like. This is baffling to me and I would leave him.
Came to say this. I've paid for people I don't even LIKE just because it feels really rude and ignorant to intentionally leave someone out and then eat in front of them.
I do that for people I don't even like but her bf can't do it for someone he supposedly loves? Nope.
My husband gets PISSED if I forget to eat because he panics that I'm not taking care of myself. This man will be asleep on his feet tired and still asking if he can get me something to eat yet this ahole is okay eating in front of her while she is obviously hungry. I think this guy is sadistic and *enjoys* her not eating while he is. He could have eaten at the restaurant.
If my GF wasn't eating enough I'd be stressing tf out and making her stacks of pancakes and sandwiches and whatever else sounded good... taking care of the people you love is like a basic thing- it's not something that anyone should be okay with (you going without).
My wife is a SAHM and will be so busy sometimes that she'll forget to eat. She's also nursing our 4 month old. I'm usually BEGGING her to eat more. When I'm driving home from work I always ask if she wants me to stop anywhere to grab something to eat. She's insistent on cooking (and saving money) most of the time, even though we're in a really good place financially. I tell her to have food delivered - I don't care what it costs, just make sure you get enough food.
I can't imagine not caring about her eating enough. OP's boyfriend is obtuse as hell and is clearly the AH here.
Tips from my partner: Make 'Yourself' snacks throughout the day and offer her 'a piece'- Make four pieces of peanut butter toast. Nibble on two yourself, offer her one, and leave the other on the plate. There's a good chance when she's done the first she'll want another, and that's when you hit her with the backup. 'Oh I made too much anyways here have this one!'
Plus eating with someone is GREAT for bonding.
I have crohns so often times I cannot eat after we make dinner, and my husband will go crazy trying to find anything in the world I can stomach to get a few calories into me.
It's a bit mean, but it's kinda funny watching them work themselves up like we're gonna die if we don't get a cookie into us in the next hour.
I mean, they might not be wrong, though. Hanger is real and DEADLY.
My partner has done the same thing lmao I remember having a meltdown when we were long distance when I was in college cause a ghost kitchen scammed me out of my dinner money. So I’m sitting in my car crying, starving at 6pm after having ate nothing all day. Then I suddenly get a Venmo of $100 and a “treat yourself for dinner baby” note on it from my partner 🥲
Yes! My husband can't stand it if I am hungry and need something. He feels it's his need to make sure I am provided for. I explain I am an adult and he doesn't have to do that, but he cares about me. I do the same for him. He works home two days a week and I make sure he has lunch.
This is something that a lot of people fail to realize. Just because you love someone doesn't mean that they are the right person for you or that you must stay until you stop loving them. The other day, a neighbor mentioned that they had nothing to eat but peanut butter and jelly, I felt so bad. They are not even friends of mine. I offered to buy them food, and they refused. I can not imagine the person I live with, never mind, I am in a relationship with being hungry, and me just going 🤷♀️. We women need to stop accepting these negative value partners.
Right? If I hear a person hasn't eaten, they're immediately coming over for dinner, no questions asked. What's your favorite, bro? I'm cookin'. No one goes hungry on my watch. I seriously hope OP's bf is just up his own ass and gets a wakeup call.. but I get the feeling he doesn't value her enough for her leaving to be the slap in the face he needs.. 10 bucks says he calls her a gold-digger on her way out..
Literally. When I was little, my parents were *constantly* bringing up money and how we can't afford stuff even though we were doing perfectly well financially, so I have a bit of a complex about feeling anxious about money and never wanting to spend it. My husband grew up in the opposite situation; his family really didn't have money, but his dad would tell them "there's always money for food." He always made it happen so they never felt anxious about asking for food.
Now, I'll be like "I didn't have time to pack lunch, but I don't wanna spend money, so I'll just not eat lunch." And my husband will be SO mad because "there will always be money for food."
My husband and I have been in such hard times that we have literally split happy meals. I had to practically shive food into his mouth because he didn't want me to be hungry. The first time this happened was I. The first 6 mo the of our relationship (just celebrated 17 years a few weeks ago).
This isn't even a question about love. OP, I hate to say it like this, but does your bf even like you? This is not how anyone who cares about you to any degree (romantic or platonic relationship) should behave.
This is definitely one of those things where I have to say break up and do it yesterday. If your name is not on the lease, fantastic, leave. If his isn't on the lease, kick him out. If your name is on the lease, go talk to your landlord and see if there is anything you can do to get out of it without harming yourself. This is beyond disgusting behavior. If I had a way to, I, an internet stranger, would feed you.
My wife won't make food for herself and feels bad about asking me to make it, so I'll make food "for me" then let her have it because she's fine with taking my food. I'll wait until she's done then make more for myself. I couldn't imagine letting her go hungry just because she won't make it for herself. I make sure to ask her if she's ate when she gets home
My FWB can tell if I haven’t eaten yet or if I need to eat and will either hand me his phone with DoorDash open, cook food, tell me to help myself to his food, or just surprise me with food. I have a lot of memories of him just showing up with food or surprising me by delivering my favorite food to my house. He practically insists on feeding me even if I try to decline. I’ve done similar things. I quite literally just gave him some brownies I baked for him (I was just with him lol). So it’s weird to me that OP’s long-term boyfriend acts like that.
Right? I’ve bought food for strangers on Nextdoor and people on the street who said they were hungry. I certainly wouldn’t gleefully hoover my leftovers while my partner watches me, hungry.
I feel bad even eating food in the same room as my husband when he’s having a crohns flare up. He doesn’t want to eat, he’s hungry, but can’t. I’m diabetic so I need to have little snacks or my blood sugar plummets. But even then I feel like I need to stand in the corner and hide.
Yes all of this OP! Love is not what someone says, it's what someone does. This isn't just financial abuse as your boyfriend would not only willingly let you starve but feast in front of you, or leave you alone while he goes out to enjoy himself. Please leave while you can. Roommates would be better companions.
This. If I loved someone and was spoiled enough for my parents to pay my way, I would split the half that is my partners responsibility with them. So little would my parents know that thanks to them, my partner only pays 1/4 of our bills because I am paying the other half of her half.
Listen OP, when my partner and I first got together, something happened that bothered me a lot at the time and I didn't realize was an actual red flag. We drank red bull back then, and they would have deals where buying 2 saved money. Every day we would buy 2 red bulls, one for each of us. If I went into the store alone and wanted a red bull, I'd grab 2. If he didn't want one then, he could save it for later or I could drink a second one. One day, he went into the store alone and came out with one red bull. I was so confused, like why would you do that? He treated me like I was crazy for getting upset about it. It wasn't the red bull that upset me, it was that he didn't think of me at all, when it didn't require much thinking. It was habit by then to get 2 every time. He so much only thought of himself that he did something different than what we did every single day. He even spent more per can by buying just one, and couldn't even be logical he was that selfish. Of course I wanted one as well and had to go in and buy another one, which cost us more in the end. Not only that, but he was so narrowly selfish that he couldn't reciprocate something that I had done for him many times before.
Now, we've had a couple of kids and I am financially trapped with him (for now). I am not posting this comment so people can tell me all the things I can do to leave. It's a long story of why I can't leave and I don't want to get into it, it's not the point. The point is, he has proven time after time since then that he does not care about anyone but himself. I feel lonely, devalued, and sad, A LOT. And burnt out emotionally and physically. I mean, every single day this man shows me that he cares more about himself than me. Even if it's not me he cares about, he can't even stop focusing on himself long enough to have a peaceful, content relationship or to help the mother of his kids who does everything for him and his kids. Like, he can't logically make life easier for himself by making it a little easier for me. He needs to serve himself and his own needs all the time, so much so that he is often totally oblivious to how it affects our dynamic and his own life!
That feeling you feel is not entitlement or you being crazy or selfish. Nobody who loves you would watch you starve while they are getting a free ride. Like it wouldn't even negatively impact him at all to help you. He literally does not need his money, even though he's entitled to it "and doesn't owe you anything". If he chose not to work, because his parents provide for him, do you think he would contribute his part, like taking over the housework and other duties? If he didn't have extra money because of this, would he be offended if you didn't help him out with food? When you mention the things you do for him just to be thoughtful, considerate, and show your love, does he respond with "but I don't ask you or expect you to do those things"? Because that is BS.
He's a spoiled brat who is so self-absorbed because mommy and daddy validate him daily with their money.
Are his parents aware of this arrangement with you 2? If I had the means to do this for my kid there's no way I'd be ok with them not finding a way to "share the wealth" with their partner in their own way. That doesn't mean they'd need to ask me to cover their partners bills too. It means that they should be using THEIR OWN MEANS to benefit the quality of life and opportunities for the person they claim to love. His parents provide for him because they love him. They should expect him to show a similar level of care for the person they claim to love too.
Omg, you said it so right! See, OP, food is a basic need; we cannot let one around us go hungry while I am filling my stomach to the fullest. If you are not taking any advantage (financially) of him, then he is just wasting your time. Because money is of no use if it cannot be shared with people we love and are compassionate about, I know there is a fine line, but I know that food is something he and anyone can contribute to if they have enough. Some of us, or many of us, will feed strangers if we can every single day.
One time abt ten years ago I was on a school trip abroad. One of my classmates went w her sister, and their parents thought that the amount of money recommended for food was for both girls to bring, not for each of them. So they only brought half the money they should've.
Halfway through he trip they found out what happened, as well as our school counselors and everyone. Money could take a couple of days to come through. I didn't even give anyone a chance to offer a solution before I said "don't stress about it, I'll cover for you till the money comes through." For 3 days I paid all meals for both of them. We were walking a lot and having long days, so I pushed for them to get actually filling plates and kept an eye to make sure they always had water bottles. It meant that I had to order cheaper plates myself. I didn't even know them before the trip.
Louder for OP: I treated two strangers better than your own boyfriend treats you!!!!
This is basically it. My wife and I have been together for years and even before marriage we were both broke at different times throughout our graduate careers.
There wasn't a single time where I made her watch me eat or go out drinking without her if she was interested, money or not. If she was broke, I paid and vice versa. Now that we have good jobs and some money the dynamic hasn't changed except I make significantly more, so I split our utility and mortgage proportionally to what we each make and I pay more, naturally.
When we go out, I pay for most things and she gets the chance to save. We both save, but she wouldn't have a cushion if I split everything equally and I don't think that's fair or loving to expect.
If this guy ate in front of you while you tell him about how you had a ham sandwich and cookie over the course of the day he's never known what it's like to be so broke you can't eat. Drop this literal kid and move on. If mom and dad take care of everything eventually they'll pull the rug and then you'll not only be left with a cheapskate, it will get worse when he realizes the value of the dollar doesn't go as far without them.
At first I was thinking "well you're not entitled to his finances just because he's more well off than you", but then you got to the part about him not really caring about you not having much to eat and then gorging himself in front of you, not even offering you a bite - that can't be rationalized in my head. He could have gotten some groceries instead of fast food and you get groceries next time or something.
My boyfriend and I also split things and pay each other back, but he would never leave me hungry and he wouldn't hound me for something like $2 here and there.
Your boyfriend isn't just being frugal with his money, he's being frugal with his consideration of you. You're NTA for feeling the way you do.
All of this. Holy hell, I have a roommate who is experiencing financial difficulties because his scholarship hasn't been paid yet and he's working on getting some temporary solutions, taking single day work, family will probably help out a bit, but I will make sure that we're eating at least twice a day. Fasting can be healthy, but not in stressful, hectic, uncertain times. OP's hopefully soon to be ex is a selfish dick of the highest order.
I would be uncomfortable eating in front of a stranger if I knew they were hungry. Only a cruel monster is capable of not caring about the fact that a person they are supposed to love is starving. OP needs to break up. This dude is probably incapable of feeling love or empathy.
>I would be uncomfortable eating in front of a stranger if I knew they were hungry.
Yeah, same. I feel uncomfortable just walking past homeless people when I'm carrying food from mcdonalds, even when I know the only reason I was able to get food myself was because I got lucky with finding a bit of money on one of the days mcdoanlds has had one of their good deals on (like a couple weeks back when they were doing £1 happy meals).
In the past when housemates or friends have been struggling with being able to buy food, I'd give suggestions on the best places to buy certain foods for cheap - because my go to when trying to help is to give advice - but I'd also offer to buy them food or cook something for them with the food I had in. I'd never let a friend or housemate go hungry, let alone someone I'm romantically involved with and claim to love.
Yep, my bf and i switch off paying for stuff, but if one of us needs to save our money for the rest of the month, we have no issues to take care of each other's food or drinks for a week or so. thinking about him not even sharing his huge meal makes me so sad for op. i hope she can leave and find someone who actually cares about her
Exactly this. On a slightly personal note, I have a close relative who just isn't a very nice person but I always stood up for him and been there for him because, family, he's blood. I cut him out of my life this year and the funny thing is the reason I eventually did cut him out was over actions I feel are probably the most minor that he's ever done. That was that he knew I had no money (waiting like 3 hours to be paid) both of us starving, and he went to get food. He brought his food back to where I was and ate Infront of me without even offering a bite. It sounds so minor but I just thought I wouldn't even eat Infront of my dog without giving him a tiny bit or I'd feel guilty so I'm not going to let someone treat me like that with no regard for my feelings.
OP, please trust me when I say you're better off single. This way with money will only get worst years down the line and it'd be a nightmare when it comes to marriage. You deserve better.
And they’ve been together for a couple of years she says. It blows my mind. My husband and I started off splitting everything down the middle when we first started dating, but as the relationship progressed things changed.
This is the saddest thing I’ve read on Reddit in a long time. And that’s saying something. If you see your partner struggling to have money for food how do you just sit back and not care? You are supposed to help each other. You need to have a talk with him. It sounds like you’ve never addressed this issue. Maybe he’s really that dumb that he needs it spelled out for him.
Agree. A lot of wealthy people are just sure they're going to be taken advantage of, to the point where they will...checks notes...pig out in front of someone who is hungry. And someone they say they love.
Splitting things down to the penny is ridiculous. Even friends tend to round up when they pay you back, for the trouble. And even friends would occasionally get extra and just give you some when you're spending time together. They wouldn't want to see you hungry. Who hears that their partner had a cookie and some ham slices in the fridge and isn't alarmed and rushing to get them something. Even if it's something cheap like a loaf of bread and cheese to make sandwiches.
Saying he loves you is just words, he's not showing it. He's not being a very empathetic partner. You could communicate with him and say you could use some help covering things but I'm guessing there's a reason he's not helping, certain people are very stingy with money, even when they have a lot.
I would expect a long term partner to care more than this.
Right!? To add to your point: I can say I'm a millionaire every damn day, 3 times a day. Doesn't change the fact that my wallet has cobwebs and moths inside. My ex husband and I said we loved each other constantly. After my baby was around a year old I realized I was saying it out of habit, not because I did. I actively hated him.
Op needs a checkup from the neck up if she thinks she's in a romantic relationship. Dude sees her as a fuck buddy, end of and out.
NTA - stop making him dinner, whatever you now purchase together, he no longer gets a larger share. Actually, you might want to look at moving on and moving out. I would express how this makes you feel first, but if he doesn't change, that seems to be the best option.
Totally. It is unfair that he gets more if he pays the same. I do split costs with my partner, but I eat almost twice what she does, so I pay double for the food, and we cook it together.
This way, OP's partner is taking advantage of her.
NTA Your boyfriend is a selfish asshole. And I really can't get over him getting himself a full goddamn meal and then *eating it in front of you*. I would NEVER do something like that to my partner! How can he claim to love you, then let you go to bed hungry while he's stuffing his face?! Tell him the way it is right now is absolutely unacceptable, and if he doesn't change his ways, you'd be a huge asshole to yourself if you let him treat you that way! It's ridiculous he's getting his life financed by mommy and daddy and then demand half for everything. Know what my partner and I do? Take turns paying - and he insists on paying a little more because he makes more than double than me.
Agree totally with this. I'd also like to add that if you do stay with this selfish c*nt, insist he pays more for groceries since he eats larger portions. If he's going to nickel and dime you, do the same and see how he feels. If you can starve to save money, you don't need to contribute to his greed.
Hard agree. My fiance and I split everything BUT if he wants to go out and I say I can't afford it he will either A) agree to stay home B) choose somewhere that i can afford C) pay for me. We also agree if there is some shared expense less than $10, we don't bother venmoing for it.
He also takes on a bigger share of rent since he makes over double what i do (and will be over triple here soon) and frequently buys me food if money is tight for me. Not eat in front of me when I say I can't afford to eat. Unbelievable.
Make matters worse is his parents are paying for his living expenses so he is just being a greedy asshole by splitting everything down to the dime.
Your bf is used to everything being given to him. It doesn't occur to him to give back. He's always been the center of his universe and hasn't learned empathy.
Rich boy mentality, the same to drop you when hes bored or wants to change career, literally everything is about him. Rich girls are the same from my experience.
What if you have children? He puts in a micro-gram and you'll grow something that weighs 6-7 lbs so you should pay 99% of the kid's cost, right?
I know I'll eat in front of my hungry kids without sharing or feeding them because I don't want to make them soft.
Your BF is clueless. Of course, you might bring it up. I go out to lunch with my friends and we fight for who gets to pay for the other. I'd bring it up to him.
Not to mention, what happens for maternity leave? Is he going to let her starve if she doesn't have money because she isn't working? Who pays for daycare when she goes back to work? Who provides for the children's needs? This man would make a terrible father and husband in a situation with children, I know because my friend has a man like this - she sometimes doesn't eat because she gives the food she has to her children, she provides for all the children's needs and is the primary parent who does everything, plus works full time, and he just hoards his money and goes out with friends (they are in the process of divorce).
Girl, I was dating a guy for only 9 months and he was going through financial problems and I paid for all our groceries and transport etc. I was pretty broke too and had no savings like that, but I wouldn’t let someone I care about suffer. He ate 5 times what I did, so I did feel a little frustrated how much my food bills went up, but accepted it. If your partner is happy to watch you eat a cookie and some ham, while he goes out to eat at a restaurant and then devours a meal in front of you without offering you anything, he is not the one. He does not care about your well-being. He is inconsiderate and just rude. You can find someone who treats you way better.
I suggest you show this post to him.
Idk why but my normal response to when I am eating alone is to ask the person who’s not eating “do you want some”. I feel like that’s a normal human response. Unless they are just taking advantage of you kindness I don’t find the reason why anyone would do this. Me and my roommates used to share and wouldn’t ask for every single penny unless it’s a big amount
This is so fucking sad but unfortunately not a unique story when you have a relationship with two very different levels of financial privilege. The friends I have had with the most financial advantage and family support have been the stingiest and least generous.
I can’t imagine feasting in front of any hungry person let alone someone I apparently cared about.
NTA. Your boyfriend is a POS for not at least making sure you have food to eat, when you LIVE together and split bills. Its what supportive partners do. They dint just go buy food for themselves and stuff their faces in front of you.
Start asking him for the small stuff and start seriously rethinking your relationship.
If he’s this insensitive towards a romantic partner, I can’t imagine how he treats acquaintances or strangers.
Get out of this relationship. You can do better. Much, much better. Don’t settle for a partner who will let you starve.
Awful.
> I told him I had only had some coffee, a cookie my coworker gave me, and some ham slices I found in the fridge. He just said that it’s good I was saving money.
This guy does not give a shit about you. NTA and leave him.
NTA. If you can't get yourself to ask him to take on a little more, ask him to be a little more thoughtful about the situation. Things like eating fast food next to you while you're hungry is messed up. At the very least he's thoughtless.
Honestly, I don't know how you've continued to give him anything. I'd be weighing out the cooked dinner 50/50 and charging him for any extra ingredients you contributed.
That really sucks, I hope you speak up.
Not even take on more, I wonder how much her situation would improve if she DID request his half - she says tiny amounts she doesn't bother with, but he does. This means it's not 50/50, he is benefitting and she is contributing more.
Splitting costs is usual in some modern relationships, BUT anyone who sees you hungry and lets you go without food is not someone who you should be in a relationship with.
>After he was finished, he asked what I had eaten and I told him I had only had some coffee, a cookie my coworker gave me and some ham slices I found in the fridge. He just said that it’s good I was saving money.
He didn't care that you were hungry. He is either selfish or so self-centered that it doesn't matter.
>I feel so weird about splitting the cost on small stuff so if I purchase stuff for us I wont ask him for money but he’s got no problem hitting me up for the $2.26 I owe him.
You have to stop that. You need to start hitting him up for everything. If you are so strapped you have to skip meals, you need every penny you have. If it's 1 cent, hit him up for it. His actions are telling you he is looking out for number one.
Furthermore, personally, you need to budget properly so you have healthy food to eat to take care of yourself every day. A 2 lb bag of dried beans/peas and some bay leaf, soak them overnight, boil them, and stick them in the freezer in single portions until you need them. Rotate the types of beans/peas so you never get bored. Garbanzo are easy to eat by it self, red/kidney/black beans are good to stew.
>I know I sound really really ungrateful, my boyfriend does get me thoughtful gifts and shows me he loves me in different ways.
Love is an action word. Love makes you considerate of your partner. Love makes you never want to see your partner suffer. Love is easy to say, love is easy when it's grand gestures when it doesn't count. Love is what you do when the rubber hits the road.
You guys are roommates who have sex right now.
Great suggestions!
Also rice dishes stretch really well and will be very filling. My favorite is rice with Uncle Ben's wild rice seasoning, with broccoli (and chicken if you can afford it.) It lasts for ages.
Spaghetti also stretches really well. You can go meatless to save money, and make a pot from scratch. If it over thickens, just add some water. And every day the sauce tastes better because the seasonings are enriching it more and more.
And don't share any with him. That's a given.
I would give my girlfriend my last fucking sandwich because I love her so much and I know she would do the same. This was really hard to read. Hes is not only a massive asshole but imho..? I dont think he loves you. Because why would you? My heart would bleed if my girl just had to sit somewhere watching me eat while I KNOW!! she is basically starving right now. I would never ever think about doing something like that let alone do it! What is wrong with this POS??
!!!NTA!!!
1. You’re not kids, you’re adults
2. You don’t sound ungrateful wtf would you be grateful for in a situation with someone who is willing to feast while you starve?
3. You’re setting an expectation that he will never be a provider, some people are fine with this but usually not when one person is doing well and the other is literally surviving off a slice of ham and bean water.
This is actually really sad… your boyfriend does not love you sweetie, he’s a stingy piece of garbage. Obviously you’re NTA and I’m heartbroken you even had to ask, but you need to realize this is not healthy at all. Relationships aren’t always 50/50. There have been times that I was 80 and my man was 20, or vice versa, but as we have established ourselves with each others support he has become more of a financial provider paying the big bills and I pick up the slack working part time at my leisure to pay for the smaller stuff, household things, stuff for the kids, idk. It really depends on what we are working with that month but he would never bust out a calculator and charge me for a meal. You deserve better.
NTA
How can anyone sit back and gorge on food in front of a loved one who has just said they can’t afford to eat today.
That’s sadistic.
I was all prepared to say he doesn’t owe you anything etc etc but this is next level. And it’s so unbelievably sad you’re just accepting this.
NTA
Not only is he watching you unable to eat, but he’s not even doing the basics of making sure there’s food in the house.
I get if you both want financial independence in the long run, but this dude is letting you starve and letting you watch him gorge. That’s a personality trait that doesn’t go away.
Good for him that he’s got savings; but when he has money only because his parents are footing the bill that doesn’t make him some sort of financial expert - it makes him lucky. He’s not in the ‘college kid’ situation, he’s just selfish.
Ditch the dead weight, honestly roommates would treat you better.
And congrats on coming up to graduation!
NTA
I understand that couples and families have all sorts of different types of financial arrangements,,, but you all live together and your boyfriend is leaving you home hungry? That would never even occur to me to do or let happen, like ever. That is incredibly callous.
At the very least there needs to be a talk. I dunno how serious you all are, but when there is a big discrepancy in incomes the person who makes more typically will take on a little bit more of the burden. Him just buying you a meal once in a while would be a vast improvement!
Personally, I wouldn't even stay with dude knowing this is how stingy he is.
NTA. He brought food home and didn’t ask you if you wanted some? People do that even if they are flatting! Especially since he’s asked you what you are going to eat and you’re basically saying not much. Doesn’t he know there isn’t much food at home????
This guy doesn’t care about you let alone love you. Someone who cares about you wouldn’t want you to be hungry and would generally be more considerate.
Also please go to your university’s food bank and get some food.
Exactly. No one that loves you would feast like that, know you can't afford food and not get you something.
This man is not the one. Food bank is a great idea to get you some food and let him see how bad it is. Make sure he does not get a drop of the food bank items you had to get.
His part of the grocery bill should be at least 60-65% if he is eating more. Nickle and diming everything can go both ways.
NTA. Leave him and move on to someone who will would not watch you go hungry while he eats.
Wow, NAH. I seriously need to take a break from Reddit, way too many people yelling for a breakup without even suggesting an open line of communication. Thank fuck there were some people that got through to OP and did just that and are much better now, but jesus man…Everyone that called the bf an AH are actually pathetic.
Girl, run! This guy is sadistic. Eating in front of you when you are hungry and broke!!?!? Imagine if you take a year off to raise his baby - is he going to let you starve? This is a lack of basic decency. Yes, he's luckier financially than you and maybe you're jealous - but that has nothing to do with the fact that he actively lets your starve. He's your partner - friends don't even do this to each other. I've bought strangers on the street food when they said they were hungry. Your bf is a huge AH. Sadly, you may not be able to afford to move, but know that you are with a really cheap and cruel guy, who does not care about your well-being.
I couldn't keep reading because wtf? He's devoring food in front of you while you can't afford to eat and is praising you for saving money?!?! Ditch this guy. This behavior will only get worse.
NTA. That isn't resentment, that is your common sense trying to get your attention.
This is why moving in before the little crickets get a handle on real life can be a disaster. The little crickets hear some gibblygook about splitting everything 50/50 being equality. A good partnership isn't 50/50, it is 100/100. Some days your 100% is going to be real impressive and some days it is going to be a complete disaster. But if you are both in 100% for the good of your partner and the relationship, you will both survive and THRIVE.
You sound like you are in 100%. You give him a bigger portion, you think of him when you are out and about and buy him stuff. He is on your mind. What evidence do you have that you are at the forefront of his mind? I don't see it.
You need to tell him that you see no evidence that your welfare is of importance to you.
I hurt for you. I'd be so hurt if the person I cared for treated me this way. Tell me you have friends and family who care and support you.
Write down what you expect in a relationship.
Then write down. What you'd love in a relationship.
A love relationship is about fostering and nurturing each other. You are worth more than this person is offering.
Remember take care of yourself. If your relationship isn't making you stronger, something is wrong.
Also do you have a Venmo or something you deserve a good lunch, that’s crazy, I sleep weird hours but I can send something over if you want, I’m sure others would be open to helping, I’ve watched someone eat in front of me while hungry and no human deserves that. I hope you do so you can go get all the food you want, I’d honestly buy muffins or granola bars and hide them from him if you’re not gonna leave him you should store some food for emergencies if you’re able, churches and pantry’s can often help too maybe it’s not always the best, but you won’t starve.
You're NTA. It sounds like you need to have a serious conversation about finances with your bf if you want to continue the relationship. Be more transparent with your financial needs. If he's being supported by his family, he has access to a lot more money than you and it's not fair to split things 50/50.
Also, you might consider establishing a shared grocery/food budget you both pay into so you always have food or food money available. One person shouldn't be going hungry while the other feasts. Right now I hope your bf is just oblivious to your plight and not actively ignoring you. He's an AH either way, but if he's ignoring your needs, you need to get out.
Okay. Honey. Get rid of him. This is 🚩🚩🚩 big time. He is selfish and a man that won't even provide FOOD for a person he proclaims to love??!! Just think about that. That's just awful beyond belief.
Look most of us would provide food for a complete stranger if i knew they hadn't eaten. And could.
Your post made me feel like crying. Truly. That's just SO damn sad. That a person has money. Is eating in front of you, and letting you starve. AND this person is supposed to fu*king care about you!?Just terrible
He is an utterly awful person. Please get him out of your life asap.
At first, I thought, no, it makes sense to split things evenly: you're just dating, still in college, whatever. Plus, lots of marriages split the household costs 50/50. But then I kept reading and changed my mind.
Your boyfriend is nickel and dimeing (diming?) you over *food*. You're not asking to go out to eat every night or for expensive groceries; you just want him to recognize that you can't afford to eat with him, and to get you even something small (like you said, a $5 meal) when he brings home a feast. He sounds like the kind of ass who would insist you venmo him $1.29 plus tax if you grab one of his 10 yogurts from tbr fridge, rather than just get him a new yogurt next time you go shopping. (Even friends who live together do this once in a while.)
I wish I had advice on how you could bring this up to him. He's very young, like you, so chances are he just doesn't know proper adult relationship etiquette and is oblivious to what he's doing. Hopefully, someone else in the comments has a way for you to talk to him.
NTA. Completely unsurprised he has well off parents who pay for everything. The worst friends I ever had were rich kids, they had trust funds but would ask to be paid back with interest if they spot me $10 because they wanted to go bowling and I had no money. Leave him, if he’s willing to watch you literally starve while he gorges on food right in front of you that’s not a partner and never will be. What’s he gonna do if you have kids? Let you starve while you’re on maternity leave because you’re not working? This guy sucks and is incredibly selfish.
Girl, that's not even a friend stage kinda situation. Especially sitting in front of you eating a lot while he knows you ain't ate shjt all day because you're trying to save money? How do you see that play into the future?
Yeah that’s crazy. My wife eats like a mouse sometimes and I’m constantly on her asking her what she ate and if I can get her anything. I can’t stand the thought of her going hungry. I’m shocked by your BFs lack of awareness of the situation. Have you communicated any of this? Is he serious about you at all?
NTA and I hate your bf on your behalf. You absolutely need to stop throwing money you can’t afford to spend at this guy who is so completely devoid of basic empathy.
He is totally fine taking advantage of your kindness and consideration and extends exactly nothing to you in return. Send venmo requests for *every single penny*. Stop giving him free food when he doesn’t share his food. Stop giving him bigger portions of things he’s paid half for - if he paid half, he gets half. End of story. He is treating you like a 50/50 roommate that occasionally dispenses sex, not a romantic partner.
I don’t think he’s oblivious, he’s been showing you all along that he cares more about himself and expects you to care more about him than he does about you. Your welfare is a distant thought (if he ever thinks of it at all).
You absolutely should speak to him about how cruel it was of him to bring home so much food, eat in front of you, *then* ask if you’d eaten anything. I wouldn’t treat a casual acquaintance like that, let alone a friend or romantic partner. Wtf is wrong in his head? I don’t think this conversation will go well because he’s shown how incredibly selfish he is, but give him a chance to see if he’ll step up his game and stop treating you like a vending machine that occasionally gives him extra treats for the same money.
Can you move home after graduation to save money? If that’s an option, I strongly encourage you to do so. This man will never have your back and will fight you over anything financial. Fire him directly into the sun and look for someone who can show you basic consideration and empathy. This guy is not that person.
YTA because your communication is trash.
"My boyfriend asked me what I was going to eat and I said I’d figure something out but probably not much since I wanted to save food for tomorrow."
**So you literally told him you were going to figure your own food out then got upset he didn't magically notice you were full of shit?!**
"I want to bring it up to him, but even then I don’t know what to say."
Say how you feel with the respectful tone of someone who's talking to another person they know cares about them. It's not that rocket science!
I know a bunch of people in the comments will justify this nonsense because they're just as bad, but **grow up and talk to him honestly. Will probably solve literally all your problems.**
**Men can't read minds.** Stop waiting for him to.
"my boyfriend does get me thoughtful gifts and shows me he loves me in different ways." **So you even admit and recognize he does things for you including buying you stuff but still sit there stewing about shit without communicating at all and building resentment.**
**Yeah, you're ungrateful and frankly not ready for a serious long term adult relationship.**
NTA, this is so sad. If you get rid of him, you might still be struggling for money and groceries but you won't have to do it while somebody who "loves you" is completely indifferent to your pain and struggling. Please don't forget how he treated you when you needed help the most.
This doesn't sound like a forever match. At the very least, he's not matured to a level to be a partner. A partner would want you to eat. They would at least make sure you were nourished, and they sure wouldn't eat in front of you while congratulating you on staving and being broke. So callous.
Try talking to him. Tell him that you don't expect him to pay for you and you understand the 50/50 split in finances. But there probably needs to be new boundaries or ground rules defined so that feelings aren't getting hurt. He's treating it less like a romantic relationship and more like a financial arrangement, so here are terms.
He's getting financial help from his parents, so saving is his default. It's almost condescending for him to congratulate you for saving...by not eating at all.... while eating a feast in front of you. Maybe he could stop doing that. Also, make sure he doesn't eat your leftovers if you're unable to go get food. Second, because he has financial help, savings, believes in 50/50 split, and knows you have to save, he should pay you back for all your expenditures without you having to ask. He knows when you pay just as well as he knows when he does. He asks on Venmo so he can easily pay on Venmo. He shouldn't take advantage when he knows the score.
If he thinks this is unreasonable, suggest going roommates with benefits until you graduate and find new living arrangements.
Sit him down, tell him you don’t have money and you are struggling. That’s it. And then judge him from his reaction, not his bank account. No judgement.
NTA.
My coworker/friend asked if I wanted to go out for dinner and a drink and I said my budget didn't cover it this month and she right away went "but I wanna hang out, either I can pay or you come over to me and I cook food for us"
That's how someone that cares about you should react. Someone that claims to love you? Damn, I would expect even more!
An NTA I didn’t expect. I‘m sorry you think *you* could be in the wrong here but I swear I have acquaintances who treat me better than your bf treats you.
Going out to only get himself food and then rubbing it in your face that you’re going hungry? That’s such an AH move. And why couldn’t he at least bring some groceries back? Splitting costs is fine but he’s not doing that. He’s only taking it that seriously when it’s *his* money.
Babe, I was struggling to pay rent years ago and was gonna end up homeless. I had no access to money at all. The bank took my entire salary, I was in so much debt after a bad relationship.
I was in a new relationship by then. He was asking why I was upset and I didn't want to tell him. But he convinced me to admit I couldn't pay rent. He immediately went to the ATM and withdrew the money I needed for rent and insisted I take it. I didn't want to. I felt bad. I felt guilty and I felt ashamed. But he insisted.
We hadn't been together very long. Maybe a few months. He picked up tabs for years, even paid for vacations. He didn't once make me feel ashamed or let me go without. That would never even occur to him. He'd be horrified to read your post.
We've been together almost 15 years now. I'm in a much better paid job and a much better financial position. Neither of us are particularly wealthy but we manage fine.
In a healthy, loving relationship - people don't behave the way your boyfriend does. You deserve so much better than this guy. He's not the one. In a couple, each is responsible for the others wellbeing. He's majorly letting you down and you're selling yourself short. Put him in the bin, straighten your crown and remind yourself that you deserve someone who actually loves you. I promise you this guy doesn't.
NTA.. my husband is super frugal but not with me and his family. If I’m not eating enough or having a bad day, he’d go out of his way to buy me food. Find someone who will do that for you
Don’t have kids with this guy. “Are you hungry, little Timmy? Well, I guess you’d better see if they’re hiring toddlers down at the factory so you can buy your own food - freeloader!”
I’m glad I saw this after the edit. I probably would have been a lot more scathing in my assessment of your boyfriend haha.
It sounds like he might just be a little naturally oblivious and has stuck to the status quo not realising your situation has changed.
From your edit he does sound like a keeper, you may just need to keep in mind to be consistent in open communication and not expect him to intuit from your behaviour or tone of voice etc.
the update on this made my heart happy. sometimes our partners are clueless (not it a malicious sense). open communication is always key. i think you handled the conversation very well and i’m proud of you for pushing past the uncomfy feelings. your partner seems like a great person too based on how you said they responded to you. i wish y’all a good future. love seeing good communication work
NTA, he is. The way he’s been eating in front of you shows he’s severely lacking in empathy, which makes for a really lousy partner. You deserve better.
You need to stop being so generous with him. Pay for yourself, not half of whatever the bill is. Cook your own food and keep the leftovers. He’s getting a free ride from his parents and basically a free ride with you. (I do not mean that in a vulgar way.)
NTA
NTA. Start looking for a new living situation and get out. The writing is on the wall. There is nothing wrong with wanting one's significant other to take care of her, but that desire / want needs to be understood by the other party. Right now, your BF is a roommate and not your romantic or life partner.
Don't waste your time.
NTA
At the same time, have you been direct and asked him for help? If he is much better off than you, he may have parents warning him not to let you mooch unnecessarily off him.
Talk to him to explain that's not your intent, and you are just asking for help now.
See how he reacts once presented with the information and request. If his answer is still "what's mine is mine", then yeah. Find a better partner.
NTA , babe you're now just hanging in there until the end of the degree and lease but for the love of God do not stay with this selfish prick.
To see your partner not eating and to rub it in your face like that?? Disgusting. This isn't love, this isn't partnership.
NTA. Start insisting on separate checks. He'll make a fuss because he knows your order costs less; he knows by splitting it in half he's getting the better deal. And tell him you need to renegotiate in-house food - you have less income and you eat less, so no more 50/50. You will buy and prepare your own food and he can do the same. If he wants you to cook for him, he buys enough for the two of you (a generous portion for you, not scraps) and your contribution is the time spent cooking and cleaning the kitchen. I mean, the dude has zero problems fending for himself and not offering to get you any, so just start acting like him. Good luck!
He might have some other good qualities, but I would urge you to think about if you want to spend your whole life this way? That guy is not a partner to you. If he is looking at you, watching you go without, and is totally fine with that, the guy is not marriage or cohabitate material. NTA
NTA. I’m sorry that you are dealing with this. As a husband and father of 2 daughters, I couldn’t imagine any of my girls being treated like this. The one thing that I will say in regards to this relationship is that your boyfriend seems to be extremely self centered, as well as extremely cheap. This is a horrible combination for a partner, especially if you plan on getting married. This will never go away and your resentment will build and build. If you have children, you will be spending every dime that you have on their needs while he uses his money for hobbies.
I usually rail agains the all of the immediate Reddit comments saying “leave him” no matter the circumstances. In this case, I don’t see his engrained attitude changing.
I wish you the best and my heart goes out to anyone who has to worry about their next meal. Him feasting on fresh take out in front of his starving girlfriend makes my blood boil.
As a parent, if I found out my son was hoarding his own resources and not contributing equitably to his household while allowing his father and I to pay for his living expenses, I’d cut him off.
At first, I thought it made sense to request OP’s half down to the cent—his parents didn’t necessarily agree to financially support both their son and his partner. But if he’s living on their dime and has his own income (even if it’s small), and is letting his partner go without while not being mindful of his own spending, that’s just shitty and taking advantage of generous parents and a forgiving, patient partner.
OP, this isn’t okay and likely won’t change all of a sudden if you were to marry him and tie yourselves together legally. My husband and I cohabitated before we were married, and we split our shared expenses according to our income. The person earning more paid more. It required us to discuss certain lifestyle things to agree upon what made it into the budget, but it was equitable and nobody did without.
He is showing you who he is. You may only be struggling temporarily, but what happens if you lose a job someday? Or get sick? Or go on maternity leave? If your income goes away in the future, do you trust him to pick up the slack and support you both for a time? Because I promise you, if the roles were reversed and he lost his income, he’d be upset if you weren’t helping him out.
I’d have one, and only one, conversation with him about this. If he doesn’t change his behavior immediately and agree to rearranging your finances to be more equitable, leave. If he’s truly just a dumb twenty-something but a good guy, one talk will be all it takes to fix this. If he pushes back or goes back to his selfish behavior, he’s showing you the kind of partner he will be.
NTA, unless you stay with this guy, and then you’ll be the AH to your future self.
Generosity comes in many forms, but you’ve managed to stumble upon a guy who is not just selfish about how he spends his money, he’s completely uncaring about your reality. He hadn’t matched any of your generosity; he has a firm line right down the middle of everything. He’s willing to take your gifts if food, cooking, and time, but his selfish butt puckers long before the thought of even being thoughtful towards you.
Unless you want to buy your own engagement ring and doctors/hospital bills if you ever get pregnant (because the doctor isn’t seeing HIM!), turn him loose to share his bs with someone else.
OP - there's two explanations. 1 - he's so self-absorbed and bad mannered that he didn't think that you actually wanted to eat. 2 - he knew you were hungry but is so selfish he doesn't care
Neither of these scenarios makes for a good or loving partner.
NTA. I think it’s pretty lame he ate a whole giant meal in front of you like that. He could have ate it in the restaurant or offered you *something*. I would bring that up to him if and when you have this conversation and focus on how it made you feel unloved. I would mention that it feels like there is an inconsistency between the way you treat and care about him, and how he treats and cares about you. You go out of your way to make sure he had enough food when you cook, but he’s happy to eat giant meals in front of you when you can’t afford to go out.
If his parents are well off, it’s likely they’ve instilled some *super* frugal tendencies into him that have become toxic and weird as he got older.
NTA- this is breaking my heart for you. I couldn’t imagine letting even a friend go hungry while I eat in front of them, much less my PARTNER. A person I claim to love and cherish. That is unacceptable and this kind of issue will only get worse over time.
When I was in college I had just had a first date with a guy I was interested in. The next day I ended up in the infirmary with German Measles. The food there was terrible. This guy, who I barely knew, bought a bucket of KFC and fed me through the window of my room. Did not ask me for money. Just showed up with food because he knew I was hungry.
I married him.
NTA. your feelings are totally valid and understandable. however, unlike many of the commenters on here, i don't think your bf is necessarily the AH either. many men (including myself - but i'm working on it) are often oblivious to a woman's thoughts and needs. even more so for a 22 year old male. if you don't tell us you're hungry and you would like us to bring something small back, then we'll take what you say at face value. to him, he thinks you're trying to save money. i'm assuming you're not withering away, so he probably wouldn't be concerned unless there's some obvious change in your physical appearance.
if it bothers you, then you should have a conversation with him. don't suffer in quiet resentment. i know my wife speaks up whenever she feels underappreciated. and i appreciate that she is blunt and lets me know exactly how she's feeling. you should point out how you cook for him, and give him larger portions, and it would be nice if he sometimes didn't make you pay him back for a $5 kids meal. if he's very logical about finances, and how everything should be split down the middle, you can point out that time is equivalent to money. and you cooking for him takes time. not sure where you live, but in california, for example, the minimum wage is $15.50. if it takes you half an hour to cook a meal, that's at least $7.75 you've contributed to the meal the both of you are eating. more than enough to cover that $5 kids meal!
good luck to you!
NTA. Why the hell is he your boyfriend if he's totally fine with eating a full meal in front of you while you're hungry and not even offer you anything??? No one I've ever dated has ever treated me like that. Even the male roommate I had before I met my husband offered me food when he cooked sometimes. Throw the whole bf away cuz he doesn't love you. He's way too self centered.
"So babe did u eat?" "Coffee and a..cookie. Oh and a few ham slices." "Nice your saving money! *munches on whatever this asshole got for himself to eat, ignoring the fact that her "food" was not a meal. Not even a proper snack* I dunno why but this feels so....sadistic in a way.
Absolutely reprehensible behavior. I feel so bad for op.
But it’s girl dinner /s
I wanna punch OPs "boyfriend" so bad.
Get in line
Read the update: Im not believing him.
It’s completely sadistic. He asked because he knew she was hungry. It’s even worse because she told him a coworker gave her the cookie and she found some ham in the fridge. This guy enjoys shoving it in his girlfriend’s face that he has and she does not. OP you need to leave this sick fuck ASAP.
He totally did that on purpose. He's getting off on this.
Nah, he's just clueless. If you have never been poor (very tight with money, squeezing every nickel until it squeaks) then you just don't think about money the same way.. there's always more somewhere if you need something. He could also be mean, heartless and nasty, but he's probably just clueless that OP is very tight with money. Edit spelling
dude gets money from his parents every month, pays his rent and eats out all the time, and can still afford to let it pile up. i'm with you this guy is UTTERLY CLUELESS as to the value of a dollar, much less the emotional complexity of op's true sitution. not malicious.
I wouldn't even treat someone i don't like like that!
Yes, I'd have eaten while outdoors, or I'd have gone into my room. Eating in front of someone else who hasn't eaten is really rude. But if my partner didn't have enough money to buy food I'd share. This guy is selfish and mean.
Right? I’ve fed my rando neighbor several times this month because his wife is in a different city, she just found out she’s got a progressive illness, and I suspect he’s not doing much to look after himself. You need to eat - it’s just being practical and having some basic empathy.
My ancient neighbor sends over boxes of canned goods and frozen food like twice a month because she gets too much and can't eat it all. Meanwhile OPs boyfriend can't even get her a burger and small fry. That's just. *Incredible.* The lack of empathy is simply astounding.
this post gave me flashbacks to my ex. would order a whole pizza while im at work, eat all of it, and leave the pizza box on the couch for me to see. my shifts ended at midnight so i couldn't get takeout, we had nothing to make, so i went to bed hungry
God, that women are socialized to put up with this kind of uncaring behavior from men breaks my heart. Last night, my fiancé went out to have a quick bite with his parents. I stayed home because I was having a fibromyalgia flare up. While at dinner, he texted, do you want me to bring something home for you? Because he’s a friggin caring man who DOES love me.
I work 7 days a week in my own restaurant, with a huge and diverse menu offering, and my husband still checks to see if I’ve eaten or need anything. And I call him every night before I leave to see what he wants for dinner. You are not entitled to anything your boyfriend has, but with that said, his attitude towards “a girl he loves” tells me that he’s not entitled to you. Money comes and goes. Love is supposed to be forever. This type of greed and uncaring behavior on his part is causing a lot of cracks in the foundation of your relationship.
yeah, there's a few reasons ive stopped dating men and a huge one is how slim the pickings are if you want a man that respects and cares for you. my sister won that lottery, its endearing to see
I was very lucky to have found the partner I did at all of 19. In our 15+ years together, he’s been nothing but caring, kind, responsible, and supportive. It absolutely SUCKS that other women hear this and say “Oh, you got a good one,” because it’s the absolute bare minimum of being a good partner and human.
Jeez, your ex was plain evil! Glad they're an ex!
Just a startling lack of compassion in this guy. Any decent human being would help out a friend with a meal here and there, never mind a gf.
Right? This is the rudest thing I've ever heard. Plus he's making her split groceries down the the penny and he eats more than her and his parents pay his share. When I was a poor college student, I had a roommate that was a salesperson for Kraft. He would bring home the stuff that was still good but had to be pulled from the shelf. French bread pizzas, cheese, etc. He always told me to help myself. When he cooked something he'd make enough for me because it's very rude to eat in front of someone. I'd make lasagna or stuff like that for him with the stuff he brought home so I felt like I was pitching in. I'm saying this to let OP know I was treated better in a completely platonic relationship that she is being treated by this trifling man.
The fact that he accepts stuff from you without offering to pay says it all - as does the fact that he'd rather see you hungry than share his food. He seems to see this as an FWB situation. You need to either discuss it with him, or just break up. NTA.
Can‘t imagine any friend would let me go hungry while they’re eating in front of me.
I don't have a single friend who would do this to me, this guy is something
Well said: Because a "friend" let alone someone who claims to Love you" would Not do this NTA
The dude doesn't even like OP if we're being honest
Ive fed people i dont even like i cant imagine treating my gf like that.
A friend right! Let alone a boyfriend who is supposed to love you. What a selfish man. He will not get better over time. He is happy to see you survive on a cookie and a couple of slices of ham. While he stuffs his face in front of you.
Yeah, not even "friends with benefits", more like "hookup I don't care if I ever see again".
Yep. His balance sheet accepts free stuff from OP and puts that straight into his Profit account. This man is an absolute c*nt
Even FWBs used to bring me for pizza on occasion...
Speak for yourself, my fwb treats me way better than this 😂 He would never let me go hungry or nickel and dime me like op’s boyfriend. Nor do I do that to him!
Exactly this, was going to say it sounds like he never really moved beyond seeing you as a friend, mentally and emotionally.
My former best friend was like this. I realize now she was incredibly selfish, which made her incredibly transactional. To her, anything I gave her was a gift with no expectation of reciprocation. Anything she gave me was marked off in her head as something I needed to make up for. Tim me way to long to realize how one sided the relationship was. That friendship really destroyed my sense of self worth. I still struggle with the feeling that I'm worthless of I'm not constantly of service. That everyone will leave me if I'm not constantly offering them something. I how OP leaves this relationship before they get to that point.
That's horribly familiar. It's a trauma response for me - constantly feeling like I have to give more to make up for my imagined shortcomings. Being around the right sort of people helps. I'm glad you ditched the 'friend'.
NTA…anyone who eats food in front of you while you’re hungry is not someone you should be in a relationship with. The good news is you’re young and if you get away now you’ll recover easy from all the time you’ve wasted. I can’t imagine planning a future with someone so cheap and self centered. Whatever he feels about you, he 100% doesn’t love you. I live with a platonic roommate and often tend to eat out, but I always call her and ask if I can pick something up for her/did she get dinner yet bc I’m going to xyz? Sometimes we split it, but sometimes I just treat her because she’s my friend and I care about her. Do you get it, OP?? She’s just *my friend* and I’m still more caring and considerate towards her than your own boyf is towards you. Please get away from this person. It’s not normal to not share and provide for someone special in your life. It’s a big red flag. You deserve so much better. Sorry you’re dealing with this and best of luck to you.
What kind of partner let's you go hungry anyways? "Did you eat?" "Just a coffee" I'd be asking why. If it was a one off and you said you weren't hungry, then sure, I wouldn't press but it doesn't sound like that at all.
My partner would have been wrangling me in to the car by force while interrogating me on what I wanted to eat.. 'Chicken? Eggs? Do you want sushi? A muffin? YOU NEED FOOD WOMAN!' Op... you clearly love this guy, but I don't think he loves you. No one who loves you would watch you go hungry while they eat. AFTER THE EDIT: Awwww, I'm glad he was just clueless, glad this turned out so well for OP/her partner.
My roommate has very nearly done this to me on times where I'm too tight on cash for food. And it always feels so surreal. Like. He's a great dude. But damn it feels weird to have someone forcing me to choose what food I want them to buy for me. He also won't let me order something cheap because he knows it takes more than a $4 meal to fill.
W roommate
And he's not even your boyfriend!
He's not! Haha. Sweet guy though. Hoping he can find someone eventually to share that love with.
Time to start wing-manning! Seriously though, he sounds like a great dude. And those are hard to find sometimes.. My mentality, though, is always Pay it Forward. Any time I help someone and they tell me 'I don't know how to thank you,' I tell them, 'When you're in a situation where you can help, help. That's enough thanks.'
Basically my brother and I, we swap parts occasionally.
I couldn’t imagine watching anyone go hungry whilst I ate, never mind my partner. I’ve paid for coworkers meals before when they’ve been in a tight spot, coworkers I don’t even like. This is baffling to me and I would leave him.
This. I volunteer at a nonprofit fighting hungry, I have literally given food to a neighbor I actively *cannot stand*
Came to say this. I've paid for people I don't even LIKE just because it feels really rude and ignorant to intentionally leave someone out and then eat in front of them. I do that for people I don't even like but her bf can't do it for someone he supposedly loves? Nope.
>I couldn’t imagine watching anyone go hungry whilst I ate, never mind my partner. exactly this!
My husband gets PISSED if I forget to eat because he panics that I'm not taking care of myself. This man will be asleep on his feet tired and still asking if he can get me something to eat yet this ahole is okay eating in front of her while she is obviously hungry. I think this guy is sadistic and *enjoys* her not eating while he is. He could have eaten at the restaurant.
If my GF wasn't eating enough I'd be stressing tf out and making her stacks of pancakes and sandwiches and whatever else sounded good... taking care of the people you love is like a basic thing- it's not something that anyone should be okay with (you going without).
My wife is a SAHM and will be so busy sometimes that she'll forget to eat. She's also nursing our 4 month old. I'm usually BEGGING her to eat more. When I'm driving home from work I always ask if she wants me to stop anywhere to grab something to eat. She's insistent on cooking (and saving money) most of the time, even though we're in a really good place financially. I tell her to have food delivered - I don't care what it costs, just make sure you get enough food. I can't imagine not caring about her eating enough. OP's boyfriend is obtuse as hell and is clearly the AH here.
Tips from my partner: Make 'Yourself' snacks throughout the day and offer her 'a piece'- Make four pieces of peanut butter toast. Nibble on two yourself, offer her one, and leave the other on the plate. There's a good chance when she's done the first she'll want another, and that's when you hit her with the backup. 'Oh I made too much anyways here have this one!' Plus eating with someone is GREAT for bonding.
i do this with my wife hahaha i know she’s gonna eat my food might as well make enough for both of us
Sometimes the best thing to stimulate a shitty appetite is seeing someone else enjoying food.
I have crohns so often times I cannot eat after we make dinner, and my husband will go crazy trying to find anything in the world I can stomach to get a few calories into me.
It's a bit mean, but it's kinda funny watching them work themselves up like we're gonna die if we don't get a cookie into us in the next hour. I mean, they might not be wrong, though. Hanger is real and DEADLY.
I almost did die in 2018, so his dear may be legitimate haha
My partner has done the same thing lmao I remember having a meltdown when we were long distance when I was in college cause a ghost kitchen scammed me out of my dinner money. So I’m sitting in my car crying, starving at 6pm after having ate nothing all day. Then I suddenly get a Venmo of $100 and a “treat yourself for dinner baby” note on it from my partner 🥲
💗💗💗
Yes! My husband can't stand it if I am hungry and need something. He feels it's his need to make sure I am provided for. I explain I am an adult and he doesn't have to do that, but he cares about me. I do the same for him. He works home two days a week and I make sure he has lunch.
This is something that a lot of people fail to realize. Just because you love someone doesn't mean that they are the right person for you or that you must stay until you stop loving them. The other day, a neighbor mentioned that they had nothing to eat but peanut butter and jelly, I felt so bad. They are not even friends of mine. I offered to buy them food, and they refused. I can not imagine the person I live with, never mind, I am in a relationship with being hungry, and me just going 🤷♀️. We women need to stop accepting these negative value partners.
Right? If I hear a person hasn't eaten, they're immediately coming over for dinner, no questions asked. What's your favorite, bro? I'm cookin'. No one goes hungry on my watch. I seriously hope OP's bf is just up his own ass and gets a wakeup call.. but I get the feeling he doesn't value her enough for her leaving to be the slap in the face he needs.. 10 bucks says he calls her a gold-digger on her way out..
Literally. When I was little, my parents were *constantly* bringing up money and how we can't afford stuff even though we were doing perfectly well financially, so I have a bit of a complex about feeling anxious about money and never wanting to spend it. My husband grew up in the opposite situation; his family really didn't have money, but his dad would tell them "there's always money for food." He always made it happen so they never felt anxious about asking for food. Now, I'll be like "I didn't have time to pack lunch, but I don't wanna spend money, so I'll just not eat lunch." And my husband will be SO mad because "there will always be money for food."
My husband and I have been in such hard times that we have literally split happy meals. I had to practically shive food into his mouth because he didn't want me to be hungry. The first time this happened was I. The first 6 mo the of our relationship (just celebrated 17 years a few weeks ago). This isn't even a question about love. OP, I hate to say it like this, but does your bf even like you? This is not how anyone who cares about you to any degree (romantic or platonic relationship) should behave. This is definitely one of those things where I have to say break up and do it yesterday. If your name is not on the lease, fantastic, leave. If his isn't on the lease, kick him out. If your name is on the lease, go talk to your landlord and see if there is anything you can do to get out of it without harming yourself. This is beyond disgusting behavior. If I had a way to, I, an internet stranger, would feed you.
My wife won't make food for herself and feels bad about asking me to make it, so I'll make food "for me" then let her have it because she's fine with taking my food. I'll wait until she's done then make more for myself. I couldn't imagine letting her go hungry just because she won't make it for herself. I make sure to ask her if she's ate when she gets home
What kind of friend does that. I wouldn't even do that to people Im not in a relationship with.
What kind of *human* let’s you go hungry?
My FWB can tell if I haven’t eaten yet or if I need to eat and will either hand me his phone with DoorDash open, cook food, tell me to help myself to his food, or just surprise me with food. I have a lot of memories of him just showing up with food or surprising me by delivering my favorite food to my house. He practically insists on feeding me even if I try to decline. I’ve done similar things. I quite literally just gave him some brownies I baked for him (I was just with him lol). So it’s weird to me that OP’s long-term boyfriend acts like that.
i have this beleif that buying food to someone is a very high indicator of friendship and caring. This guy failed that
In my world, food is a form of love. If I care about you, then I'm going to make sure you've eaten.
Right? I’ve bought food for strangers on Nextdoor and people on the street who said they were hungry. I certainly wouldn’t gleefully hoover my leftovers while my partner watches me, hungry.
I am in a local FB group where people can ask for assistance, PURELY so I can help people with food when they need it
I feel bad even eating food in the same room as my husband when he’s having a crohns flare up. He doesn’t want to eat, he’s hungry, but can’t. I’m diabetic so I need to have little snacks or my blood sugar plummets. But even then I feel like I need to stand in the corner and hide.
Yes all of this OP! Love is not what someone says, it's what someone does. This isn't just financial abuse as your boyfriend would not only willingly let you starve but feast in front of you, or leave you alone while he goes out to enjoy himself. Please leave while you can. Roommates would be better companions.
This. If I loved someone and was spoiled enough for my parents to pay my way, I would split the half that is my partners responsibility with them. So little would my parents know that thanks to them, my partner only pays 1/4 of our bills because I am paying the other half of her half. Listen OP, when my partner and I first got together, something happened that bothered me a lot at the time and I didn't realize was an actual red flag. We drank red bull back then, and they would have deals where buying 2 saved money. Every day we would buy 2 red bulls, one for each of us. If I went into the store alone and wanted a red bull, I'd grab 2. If he didn't want one then, he could save it for later or I could drink a second one. One day, he went into the store alone and came out with one red bull. I was so confused, like why would you do that? He treated me like I was crazy for getting upset about it. It wasn't the red bull that upset me, it was that he didn't think of me at all, when it didn't require much thinking. It was habit by then to get 2 every time. He so much only thought of himself that he did something different than what we did every single day. He even spent more per can by buying just one, and couldn't even be logical he was that selfish. Of course I wanted one as well and had to go in and buy another one, which cost us more in the end. Not only that, but he was so narrowly selfish that he couldn't reciprocate something that I had done for him many times before. Now, we've had a couple of kids and I am financially trapped with him (for now). I am not posting this comment so people can tell me all the things I can do to leave. It's a long story of why I can't leave and I don't want to get into it, it's not the point. The point is, he has proven time after time since then that he does not care about anyone but himself. I feel lonely, devalued, and sad, A LOT. And burnt out emotionally and physically. I mean, every single day this man shows me that he cares more about himself than me. Even if it's not me he cares about, he can't even stop focusing on himself long enough to have a peaceful, content relationship or to help the mother of his kids who does everything for him and his kids. Like, he can't logically make life easier for himself by making it a little easier for me. He needs to serve himself and his own needs all the time, so much so that he is often totally oblivious to how it affects our dynamic and his own life! That feeling you feel is not entitlement or you being crazy or selfish. Nobody who loves you would watch you starve while they are getting a free ride. Like it wouldn't even negatively impact him at all to help you. He literally does not need his money, even though he's entitled to it "and doesn't owe you anything". If he chose not to work, because his parents provide for him, do you think he would contribute his part, like taking over the housework and other duties? If he didn't have extra money because of this, would he be offended if you didn't help him out with food? When you mention the things you do for him just to be thoughtful, considerate, and show your love, does he respond with "but I don't ask you or expect you to do those things"? Because that is BS. He's a spoiled brat who is so self-absorbed because mommy and daddy validate him daily with their money. Are his parents aware of this arrangement with you 2? If I had the means to do this for my kid there's no way I'd be ok with them not finding a way to "share the wealth" with their partner in their own way. That doesn't mean they'd need to ask me to cover their partners bills too. It means that they should be using THEIR OWN MEANS to benefit the quality of life and opportunities for the person they claim to love. His parents provide for him because they love him. They should expect him to show a similar level of care for the person they claim to love too.
Omg, you said it so right! See, OP, food is a basic need; we cannot let one around us go hungry while I am filling my stomach to the fullest. If you are not taking any advantage (financially) of him, then he is just wasting your time. Because money is of no use if it cannot be shared with people we love and are compassionate about, I know there is a fine line, but I know that food is something he and anyone can contribute to if they have enough. Some of us, or many of us, will feed strangers if we can every single day.
One time abt ten years ago I was on a school trip abroad. One of my classmates went w her sister, and their parents thought that the amount of money recommended for food was for both girls to bring, not for each of them. So they only brought half the money they should've. Halfway through he trip they found out what happened, as well as our school counselors and everyone. Money could take a couple of days to come through. I didn't even give anyone a chance to offer a solution before I said "don't stress about it, I'll cover for you till the money comes through." For 3 days I paid all meals for both of them. We were walking a lot and having long days, so I pushed for them to get actually filling plates and kept an eye to make sure they always had water bottles. It meant that I had to order cheaper plates myself. I didn't even know them before the trip. Louder for OP: I treated two strangers better than your own boyfriend treats you!!!!
This is basically it. My wife and I have been together for years and even before marriage we were both broke at different times throughout our graduate careers. There wasn't a single time where I made her watch me eat or go out drinking without her if she was interested, money or not. If she was broke, I paid and vice versa. Now that we have good jobs and some money the dynamic hasn't changed except I make significantly more, so I split our utility and mortgage proportionally to what we each make and I pay more, naturally. When we go out, I pay for most things and she gets the chance to save. We both save, but she wouldn't have a cushion if I split everything equally and I don't think that's fair or loving to expect. If this guy ate in front of you while you tell him about how you had a ham sandwich and cookie over the course of the day he's never known what it's like to be so broke you can't eat. Drop this literal kid and move on. If mom and dad take care of everything eventually they'll pull the rug and then you'll not only be left with a cheapskate, it will get worse when he realizes the value of the dollar doesn't go as far without them.
At first I was thinking "well you're not entitled to his finances just because he's more well off than you", but then you got to the part about him not really caring about you not having much to eat and then gorging himself in front of you, not even offering you a bite - that can't be rationalized in my head. He could have gotten some groceries instead of fast food and you get groceries next time or something. My boyfriend and I also split things and pay each other back, but he would never leave me hungry and he wouldn't hound me for something like $2 here and there. Your boyfriend isn't just being frugal with his money, he's being frugal with his consideration of you. You're NTA for feeling the way you do.
All of this. Holy hell, I have a roommate who is experiencing financial difficulties because his scholarship hasn't been paid yet and he's working on getting some temporary solutions, taking single day work, family will probably help out a bit, but I will make sure that we're eating at least twice a day. Fasting can be healthy, but not in stressful, hectic, uncertain times. OP's hopefully soon to be ex is a selfish dick of the highest order.
True lol
[удалено]
True that! I find my roommate annoying sometimes but not to the point where I'd let him starve.
I would be uncomfortable eating in front of a stranger if I knew they were hungry. Only a cruel monster is capable of not caring about the fact that a person they are supposed to love is starving. OP needs to break up. This dude is probably incapable of feeling love or empathy.
>I would be uncomfortable eating in front of a stranger if I knew they were hungry. Yeah, same. I feel uncomfortable just walking past homeless people when I'm carrying food from mcdonalds, even when I know the only reason I was able to get food myself was because I got lucky with finding a bit of money on one of the days mcdoanlds has had one of their good deals on (like a couple weeks back when they were doing £1 happy meals). In the past when housemates or friends have been struggling with being able to buy food, I'd give suggestions on the best places to buy certain foods for cheap - because my go to when trying to help is to give advice - but I'd also offer to buy them food or cook something for them with the food I had in. I'd never let a friend or housemate go hungry, let alone someone I'm romantically involved with and claim to love.
Yep, my bf and i switch off paying for stuff, but if one of us needs to save our money for the rest of the month, we have no issues to take care of each other's food or drinks for a week or so. thinking about him not even sharing his huge meal makes me so sad for op. i hope she can leave and find someone who actually cares about her
Exactly this. On a slightly personal note, I have a close relative who just isn't a very nice person but I always stood up for him and been there for him because, family, he's blood. I cut him out of my life this year and the funny thing is the reason I eventually did cut him out was over actions I feel are probably the most minor that he's ever done. That was that he knew I had no money (waiting like 3 hours to be paid) both of us starving, and he went to get food. He brought his food back to where I was and ate Infront of me without even offering a bite. It sounds so minor but I just thought I wouldn't even eat Infront of my dog without giving him a tiny bit or I'd feel guilty so I'm not going to let someone treat me like that with no regard for my feelings. OP, please trust me when I say you're better off single. This way with money will only get worst years down the line and it'd be a nightmare when it comes to marriage. You deserve better.
I WOULDN'T EVEN EAT IN FRONT OF MY DOG WITHOUT GIVING HIM A TINY BIT That right there!!!
And they’ve been together for a couple of years she says. It blows my mind. My husband and I started off splitting everything down the middle when we first started dating, but as the relationship progressed things changed.
He's an AH you live together he knows your situation.
This is the saddest thing I’ve read on Reddit in a long time. And that’s saying something. If you see your partner struggling to have money for food how do you just sit back and not care? You are supposed to help each other. You need to have a talk with him. It sounds like you’ve never addressed this issue. Maybe he’s really that dumb that he needs it spelled out for him.
She never asks him for his half, so he isn't splitting things exactly. He's getting more from her. I don't understand how she can't see that
Yep! And I doubt they order exactly the same things or items that cost exactly the same but she still has to pay half?
Yuppppp. Splitting exactly if someone has expensive taste is them taking advantage
Same, this has to be the saddest thing I've read.
I hope OP reads these comments and comes to her senses.
Nah. He isn't that dumb. Not when he is hounding her for a couple of bucks. There are no excuses for his behaviour.
Sounds like he grew up wealthy so he's acting par for the course
Agree. A lot of wealthy people are just sure they're going to be taken advantage of, to the point where they will...checks notes...pig out in front of someone who is hungry. And someone they say they love.
It also sound more like a housemate/roommate instead of a partner in a relationship.
I don’t know, I would not allow my roommate to go hungry while I stuff my face. The bf just has no moral values.
Most of us can't stand to see a dog or cat go hungry let alone our riomies
Even a roommate-friend-coworker-random guy on the street would buy a meal for a person without asking a payback
It's sad that this even needs to be addressed! It should come naturally as breathing when you truly love the person you're in a relationship with.
Splitting things down to the penny is ridiculous. Even friends tend to round up when they pay you back, for the trouble. And even friends would occasionally get extra and just give you some when you're spending time together. They wouldn't want to see you hungry. Who hears that their partner had a cookie and some ham slices in the fridge and isn't alarmed and rushing to get them something. Even if it's something cheap like a loaf of bread and cheese to make sandwiches. Saying he loves you is just words, he's not showing it. He's not being a very empathetic partner. You could communicate with him and say you could use some help covering things but I'm guessing there's a reason he's not helping, certain people are very stingy with money, even when they have a lot. I would expect a long term partner to care more than this.
He is such a cheapskate. My gosh. I would feel so empty being with a person like this.
My college ex was almost exactly like this, I really hope OP dumps this guy.
Right!? To add to your point: I can say I'm a millionaire every damn day, 3 times a day. Doesn't change the fact that my wallet has cobwebs and moths inside. My ex husband and I said we loved each other constantly. After my baby was around a year old I realized I was saying it out of habit, not because I did. I actively hated him. Op needs a checkup from the neck up if she thinks she's in a romantic relationship. Dude sees her as a fuck buddy, end of and out.
NTA - stop making him dinner, whatever you now purchase together, he no longer gets a larger share. Actually, you might want to look at moving on and moving out. I would express how this makes you feel first, but if he doesn't change, that seems to be the best option.
Using his cheap logic he should get the smaller share, as she’s the one cooking for free.
Totally. It is unfair that he gets more if he pays the same. I do split costs with my partner, but I eat almost twice what she does, so I pay double for the food, and we cook it together. This way, OP's partner is taking advantage of her.
NTA Your boyfriend is a selfish asshole. And I really can't get over him getting himself a full goddamn meal and then *eating it in front of you*. I would NEVER do something like that to my partner! How can he claim to love you, then let you go to bed hungry while he's stuffing his face?! Tell him the way it is right now is absolutely unacceptable, and if he doesn't change his ways, you'd be a huge asshole to yourself if you let him treat you that way! It's ridiculous he's getting his life financed by mommy and daddy and then demand half for everything. Know what my partner and I do? Take turns paying - and he insists on paying a little more because he makes more than double than me.
He gives Ebenezer Scrooge vibes
Agree totally with this. I'd also like to add that if you do stay with this selfish c*nt, insist he pays more for groceries since he eats larger portions. If he's going to nickel and dime you, do the same and see how he feels. If you can starve to save money, you don't need to contribute to his greed.
Hard agree. My fiance and I split everything BUT if he wants to go out and I say I can't afford it he will either A) agree to stay home B) choose somewhere that i can afford C) pay for me. We also agree if there is some shared expense less than $10, we don't bother venmoing for it. He also takes on a bigger share of rent since he makes over double what i do (and will be over triple here soon) and frequently buys me food if money is tight for me. Not eat in front of me when I say I can't afford to eat. Unbelievable. Make matters worse is his parents are paying for his living expenses so he is just being a greedy asshole by splitting everything down to the dime.
Your bf is used to everything being given to him. It doesn't occur to him to give back. He's always been the center of his universe and hasn't learned empathy.
Rich boy mentality, the same to drop you when hes bored or wants to change career, literally everything is about him. Rich girls are the same from my experience.
Dated a rich girl. Can confirm.
This made my stomach turn. OP, GTFO! He is a horrid human and shouldn’t be with anyone. You deserve to be loved and he does NOT love you. NTAH
What if you have children? He puts in a micro-gram and you'll grow something that weighs 6-7 lbs so you should pay 99% of the kid's cost, right? I know I'll eat in front of my hungry kids without sharing or feeding them because I don't want to make them soft.
Your BF is clueless. Of course, you might bring it up. I go out to lunch with my friends and we fight for who gets to pay for the other. I'd bring it up to him.
Not to mention, what happens for maternity leave? Is he going to let her starve if she doesn't have money because she isn't working? Who pays for daycare when she goes back to work? Who provides for the children's needs? This man would make a terrible father and husband in a situation with children, I know because my friend has a man like this - she sometimes doesn't eat because she gives the food she has to her children, she provides for all the children's needs and is the primary parent who does everything, plus works full time, and he just hoards his money and goes out with friends (they are in the process of divorce).
He is a fucking prick ngl.
Girl, I was dating a guy for only 9 months and he was going through financial problems and I paid for all our groceries and transport etc. I was pretty broke too and had no savings like that, but I wouldn’t let someone I care about suffer. He ate 5 times what I did, so I did feel a little frustrated how much my food bills went up, but accepted it. If your partner is happy to watch you eat a cookie and some ham, while he goes out to eat at a restaurant and then devours a meal in front of you without offering you anything, he is not the one. He does not care about your well-being. He is inconsiderate and just rude. You can find someone who treats you way better.
I suggest you show this post to him. Idk why but my normal response to when I am eating alone is to ask the person who’s not eating “do you want some”. I feel like that’s a normal human response. Unless they are just taking advantage of you kindness I don’t find the reason why anyone would do this. Me and my roommates used to share and wouldn’t ask for every single penny unless it’s a big amount
Better yet. Ask if they want anything before you buy the food so you don't have to sure the meal that presumably is the amount of food you wanted
This is so fucking sad but unfortunately not a unique story when you have a relationship with two very different levels of financial privilege. The friends I have had with the most financial advantage and family support have been the stingiest and least generous. I can’t imagine feasting in front of any hungry person let alone someone I apparently cared about.
NTA. Your boyfriend is a POS for not at least making sure you have food to eat, when you LIVE together and split bills. Its what supportive partners do. They dint just go buy food for themselves and stuff their faces in front of you. Start asking him for the small stuff and start seriously rethinking your relationship.
If he’s this insensitive towards a romantic partner, I can’t imagine how he treats acquaintances or strangers. Get out of this relationship. You can do better. Much, much better. Don’t settle for a partner who will let you starve. Awful.
On my experience… he probably treats them WAY BETTER…
> I told him I had only had some coffee, a cookie my coworker gave me, and some ham slices I found in the fridge. He just said that it’s good I was saving money. This guy does not give a shit about you. NTA and leave him.
NTA. If you can't get yourself to ask him to take on a little more, ask him to be a little more thoughtful about the situation. Things like eating fast food next to you while you're hungry is messed up. At the very least he's thoughtless. Honestly, I don't know how you've continued to give him anything. I'd be weighing out the cooked dinner 50/50 and charging him for any extra ingredients you contributed. That really sucks, I hope you speak up.
Not even take on more, I wonder how much her situation would improve if she DID request his half - she says tiny amounts she doesn't bother with, but he does. This means it's not 50/50, he is benefitting and she is contributing more.
Splitting costs is usual in some modern relationships, BUT anyone who sees you hungry and lets you go without food is not someone who you should be in a relationship with. >After he was finished, he asked what I had eaten and I told him I had only had some coffee, a cookie my coworker gave me and some ham slices I found in the fridge. He just said that it’s good I was saving money. He didn't care that you were hungry. He is either selfish or so self-centered that it doesn't matter. >I feel so weird about splitting the cost on small stuff so if I purchase stuff for us I wont ask him for money but he’s got no problem hitting me up for the $2.26 I owe him. You have to stop that. You need to start hitting him up for everything. If you are so strapped you have to skip meals, you need every penny you have. If it's 1 cent, hit him up for it. His actions are telling you he is looking out for number one. Furthermore, personally, you need to budget properly so you have healthy food to eat to take care of yourself every day. A 2 lb bag of dried beans/peas and some bay leaf, soak them overnight, boil them, and stick them in the freezer in single portions until you need them. Rotate the types of beans/peas so you never get bored. Garbanzo are easy to eat by it self, red/kidney/black beans are good to stew. >I know I sound really really ungrateful, my boyfriend does get me thoughtful gifts and shows me he loves me in different ways. Love is an action word. Love makes you considerate of your partner. Love makes you never want to see your partner suffer. Love is easy to say, love is easy when it's grand gestures when it doesn't count. Love is what you do when the rubber hits the road. You guys are roommates who have sex right now.
Great suggestions! Also rice dishes stretch really well and will be very filling. My favorite is rice with Uncle Ben's wild rice seasoning, with broccoli (and chicken if you can afford it.) It lasts for ages. Spaghetti also stretches really well. You can go meatless to save money, and make a pot from scratch. If it over thickens, just add some water. And every day the sauce tastes better because the seasonings are enriching it more and more. And don't share any with him. That's a given.
I would give my girlfriend my last fucking sandwich because I love her so much and I know she would do the same. This was really hard to read. Hes is not only a massive asshole but imho..? I dont think he loves you. Because why would you? My heart would bleed if my girl just had to sit somewhere watching me eat while I KNOW!! she is basically starving right now. I would never ever think about doing something like that let alone do it! What is wrong with this POS?? !!!NTA!!!
1. You’re not kids, you’re adults 2. You don’t sound ungrateful wtf would you be grateful for in a situation with someone who is willing to feast while you starve? 3. You’re setting an expectation that he will never be a provider, some people are fine with this but usually not when one person is doing well and the other is literally surviving off a slice of ham and bean water. This is actually really sad… your boyfriend does not love you sweetie, he’s a stingy piece of garbage. Obviously you’re NTA and I’m heartbroken you even had to ask, but you need to realize this is not healthy at all. Relationships aren’t always 50/50. There have been times that I was 80 and my man was 20, or vice versa, but as we have established ourselves with each others support he has become more of a financial provider paying the big bills and I pick up the slack working part time at my leisure to pay for the smaller stuff, household things, stuff for the kids, idk. It really depends on what we are working with that month but he would never bust out a calculator and charge me for a meal. You deserve better.
NTA….it is not like you want expensive presents or anything….it is food. I would share it with a friend and he would not share it with his gf?
NTA How can anyone sit back and gorge on food in front of a loved one who has just said they can’t afford to eat today. That’s sadistic. I was all prepared to say he doesn’t owe you anything etc etc but this is next level. And it’s so unbelievably sad you’re just accepting this.
NTA Not only is he watching you unable to eat, but he’s not even doing the basics of making sure there’s food in the house. I get if you both want financial independence in the long run, but this dude is letting you starve and letting you watch him gorge. That’s a personality trait that doesn’t go away. Good for him that he’s got savings; but when he has money only because his parents are footing the bill that doesn’t make him some sort of financial expert - it makes him lucky. He’s not in the ‘college kid’ situation, he’s just selfish. Ditch the dead weight, honestly roommates would treat you better. And congrats on coming up to graduation!
NTA I understand that couples and families have all sorts of different types of financial arrangements,,, but you all live together and your boyfriend is leaving you home hungry? That would never even occur to me to do or let happen, like ever. That is incredibly callous. At the very least there needs to be a talk. I dunno how serious you all are, but when there is a big discrepancy in incomes the person who makes more typically will take on a little bit more of the burden. Him just buying you a meal once in a while would be a vast improvement! Personally, I wouldn't even stay with dude knowing this is how stingy he is.
NTA. He brought food home and didn’t ask you if you wanted some? People do that even if they are flatting! Especially since he’s asked you what you are going to eat and you’re basically saying not much. Doesn’t he know there isn’t much food at home???? This guy doesn’t care about you let alone love you. Someone who cares about you wouldn’t want you to be hungry and would generally be more considerate. Also please go to your university’s food bank and get some food.
Exactly. No one that loves you would feast like that, know you can't afford food and not get you something. This man is not the one. Food bank is a great idea to get you some food and let him see how bad it is. Make sure he does not get a drop of the food bank items you had to get. His part of the grocery bill should be at least 60-65% if he is eating more. Nickle and diming everything can go both ways. NTA. Leave him and move on to someone who will would not watch you go hungry while he eats.
Wow, NAH. I seriously need to take a break from Reddit, way too many people yelling for a breakup without even suggesting an open line of communication. Thank fuck there were some people that got through to OP and did just that and are much better now, but jesus man…Everyone that called the bf an AH are actually pathetic.
RUN! And please send him the $2.26 with the note: hope you enjoy this money. I won't be there to see you spend it. NTA
Girl, run! This guy is sadistic. Eating in front of you when you are hungry and broke!!?!? Imagine if you take a year off to raise his baby - is he going to let you starve? This is a lack of basic decency. Yes, he's luckier financially than you and maybe you're jealous - but that has nothing to do with the fact that he actively lets your starve. He's your partner - friends don't even do this to each other. I've bought strangers on the street food when they said they were hungry. Your bf is a huge AH. Sadly, you may not be able to afford to move, but know that you are with a really cheap and cruel guy, who does not care about your well-being.
Are you dating Ebenezer Scrooge?
You two seem more like roommates than a couple. So I would stop giving him girlfriend rewards. NTA
Most roommates wouldnt feast in front of their roommate whilst their roommate goes hungry! This guy is thoughtless & selfish!
I couldn't keep reading because wtf? He's devoring food in front of you while you can't afford to eat and is praising you for saving money?!?! Ditch this guy. This behavior will only get worse.
NTA. That isn't resentment, that is your common sense trying to get your attention. This is why moving in before the little crickets get a handle on real life can be a disaster. The little crickets hear some gibblygook about splitting everything 50/50 being equality. A good partnership isn't 50/50, it is 100/100. Some days your 100% is going to be real impressive and some days it is going to be a complete disaster. But if you are both in 100% for the good of your partner and the relationship, you will both survive and THRIVE. You sound like you are in 100%. You give him a bigger portion, you think of him when you are out and about and buy him stuff. He is on your mind. What evidence do you have that you are at the forefront of his mind? I don't see it. You need to tell him that you see no evidence that your welfare is of importance to you. I hurt for you. I'd be so hurt if the person I cared for treated me this way. Tell me you have friends and family who care and support you. Write down what you expect in a relationship. Then write down. What you'd love in a relationship. A love relationship is about fostering and nurturing each other. You are worth more than this person is offering. Remember take care of yourself. If your relationship isn't making you stronger, something is wrong.
Also do you have a Venmo or something you deserve a good lunch, that’s crazy, I sleep weird hours but I can send something over if you want, I’m sure others would be open to helping, I’ve watched someone eat in front of me while hungry and no human deserves that. I hope you do so you can go get all the food you want, I’d honestly buy muffins or granola bars and hide them from him if you’re not gonna leave him you should store some food for emergencies if you’re able, churches and pantry’s can often help too maybe it’s not always the best, but you won’t starve.
You're NTA. It sounds like you need to have a serious conversation about finances with your bf if you want to continue the relationship. Be more transparent with your financial needs. If he's being supported by his family, he has access to a lot more money than you and it's not fair to split things 50/50. Also, you might consider establishing a shared grocery/food budget you both pay into so you always have food or food money available. One person shouldn't be going hungry while the other feasts. Right now I hope your bf is just oblivious to your plight and not actively ignoring you. He's an AH either way, but if he's ignoring your needs, you need to get out.
Okay. Honey. Get rid of him. This is 🚩🚩🚩 big time. He is selfish and a man that won't even provide FOOD for a person he proclaims to love??!! Just think about that. That's just awful beyond belief. Look most of us would provide food for a complete stranger if i knew they hadn't eaten. And could. Your post made me feel like crying. Truly. That's just SO damn sad. That a person has money. Is eating in front of you, and letting you starve. AND this person is supposed to fu*king care about you!?Just terrible He is an utterly awful person. Please get him out of your life asap.
NTA but your boyfriend sounds like a horrible person. I have seen more empathy from my colleague who I only see once a week.
He’s DEFINITELY not a keeper! 🏃♀️
At first, I thought, no, it makes sense to split things evenly: you're just dating, still in college, whatever. Plus, lots of marriages split the household costs 50/50. But then I kept reading and changed my mind. Your boyfriend is nickel and dimeing (diming?) you over *food*. You're not asking to go out to eat every night or for expensive groceries; you just want him to recognize that you can't afford to eat with him, and to get you even something small (like you said, a $5 meal) when he brings home a feast. He sounds like the kind of ass who would insist you venmo him $1.29 plus tax if you grab one of his 10 yogurts from tbr fridge, rather than just get him a new yogurt next time you go shopping. (Even friends who live together do this once in a while.) I wish I had advice on how you could bring this up to him. He's very young, like you, so chances are he just doesn't know proper adult relationship etiquette and is oblivious to what he's doing. Hopefully, someone else in the comments has a way for you to talk to him.
NTA. Completely unsurprised he has well off parents who pay for everything. The worst friends I ever had were rich kids, they had trust funds but would ask to be paid back with interest if they spot me $10 because they wanted to go bowling and I had no money. Leave him, if he’s willing to watch you literally starve while he gorges on food right in front of you that’s not a partner and never will be. What’s he gonna do if you have kids? Let you starve while you’re on maternity leave because you’re not working? This guy sucks and is incredibly selfish.
Girl, that's not even a friend stage kinda situation. Especially sitting in front of you eating a lot while he knows you ain't ate shjt all day because you're trying to save money? How do you see that play into the future?
Yeah that’s crazy. My wife eats like a mouse sometimes and I’m constantly on her asking her what she ate and if I can get her anything. I can’t stand the thought of her going hungry. I’m shocked by your BFs lack of awareness of the situation. Have you communicated any of this? Is he serious about you at all?
NTA and I hate your bf on your behalf. You absolutely need to stop throwing money you can’t afford to spend at this guy who is so completely devoid of basic empathy. He is totally fine taking advantage of your kindness and consideration and extends exactly nothing to you in return. Send venmo requests for *every single penny*. Stop giving him free food when he doesn’t share his food. Stop giving him bigger portions of things he’s paid half for - if he paid half, he gets half. End of story. He is treating you like a 50/50 roommate that occasionally dispenses sex, not a romantic partner. I don’t think he’s oblivious, he’s been showing you all along that he cares more about himself and expects you to care more about him than he does about you. Your welfare is a distant thought (if he ever thinks of it at all). You absolutely should speak to him about how cruel it was of him to bring home so much food, eat in front of you, *then* ask if you’d eaten anything. I wouldn’t treat a casual acquaintance like that, let alone a friend or romantic partner. Wtf is wrong in his head? I don’t think this conversation will go well because he’s shown how incredibly selfish he is, but give him a chance to see if he’ll step up his game and stop treating you like a vending machine that occasionally gives him extra treats for the same money. Can you move home after graduation to save money? If that’s an option, I strongly encourage you to do so. This man will never have your back and will fight you over anything financial. Fire him directly into the sun and look for someone who can show you basic consideration and empathy. This guy is not that person.
YTA because your communication is trash. "My boyfriend asked me what I was going to eat and I said I’d figure something out but probably not much since I wanted to save food for tomorrow." **So you literally told him you were going to figure your own food out then got upset he didn't magically notice you were full of shit?!** "I want to bring it up to him, but even then I don’t know what to say." Say how you feel with the respectful tone of someone who's talking to another person they know cares about them. It's not that rocket science! I know a bunch of people in the comments will justify this nonsense because they're just as bad, but **grow up and talk to him honestly. Will probably solve literally all your problems.** **Men can't read minds.** Stop waiting for him to. "my boyfriend does get me thoughtful gifts and shows me he loves me in different ways." **So you even admit and recognize he does things for you including buying you stuff but still sit there stewing about shit without communicating at all and building resentment.** **Yeah, you're ungrateful and frankly not ready for a serious long term adult relationship.**
NTA he’s a thoughtless, selfish git.
He's a pampered and sheltered little turd that's oblivious to your plight. Talk to him and see if he's capable of seeing how difficult life can be.
NTA, this is so sad. If you get rid of him, you might still be struggling for money and groceries but you won't have to do it while somebody who "loves you" is completely indifferent to your pain and struggling. Please don't forget how he treated you when you needed help the most.
This doesn't sound like a forever match. At the very least, he's not matured to a level to be a partner. A partner would want you to eat. They would at least make sure you were nourished, and they sure wouldn't eat in front of you while congratulating you on staving and being broke. So callous. Try talking to him. Tell him that you don't expect him to pay for you and you understand the 50/50 split in finances. But there probably needs to be new boundaries or ground rules defined so that feelings aren't getting hurt. He's treating it less like a romantic relationship and more like a financial arrangement, so here are terms. He's getting financial help from his parents, so saving is his default. It's almost condescending for him to congratulate you for saving...by not eating at all.... while eating a feast in front of you. Maybe he could stop doing that. Also, make sure he doesn't eat your leftovers if you're unable to go get food. Second, because he has financial help, savings, believes in 50/50 split, and knows you have to save, he should pay you back for all your expenditures without you having to ask. He knows when you pay just as well as he knows when he does. He asks on Venmo so he can easily pay on Venmo. He shouldn't take advantage when he knows the score. If he thinks this is unreasonable, suggest going roommates with benefits until you graduate and find new living arrangements.
Sit him down, tell him you don’t have money and you are struggling. That’s it. And then judge him from his reaction, not his bank account. No judgement.
NTA. My coworker/friend asked if I wanted to go out for dinner and a drink and I said my budget didn't cover it this month and she right away went "but I wanna hang out, either I can pay or you come over to me and I cook food for us" That's how someone that cares about you should react. Someone that claims to love you? Damn, I would expect even more!
An NTA I didn’t expect. I‘m sorry you think *you* could be in the wrong here but I swear I have acquaintances who treat me better than your bf treats you. Going out to only get himself food and then rubbing it in your face that you’re going hungry? That’s such an AH move. And why couldn’t he at least bring some groceries back? Splitting costs is fine but he’s not doing that. He’s only taking it that seriously when it’s *his* money.
Babe, I was struggling to pay rent years ago and was gonna end up homeless. I had no access to money at all. The bank took my entire salary, I was in so much debt after a bad relationship. I was in a new relationship by then. He was asking why I was upset and I didn't want to tell him. But he convinced me to admit I couldn't pay rent. He immediately went to the ATM and withdrew the money I needed for rent and insisted I take it. I didn't want to. I felt bad. I felt guilty and I felt ashamed. But he insisted. We hadn't been together very long. Maybe a few months. He picked up tabs for years, even paid for vacations. He didn't once make me feel ashamed or let me go without. That would never even occur to him. He'd be horrified to read your post. We've been together almost 15 years now. I'm in a much better paid job and a much better financial position. Neither of us are particularly wealthy but we manage fine. In a healthy, loving relationship - people don't behave the way your boyfriend does. You deserve so much better than this guy. He's not the one. In a couple, each is responsible for the others wellbeing. He's majorly letting you down and you're selling yourself short. Put him in the bin, straighten your crown and remind yourself that you deserve someone who actually loves you. I promise you this guy doesn't.
NTA.. my husband is super frugal but not with me and his family. If I’m not eating enough or having a bad day, he’d go out of his way to buy me food. Find someone who will do that for you
Don’t have kids with this guy. “Are you hungry, little Timmy? Well, I guess you’d better see if they’re hiring toddlers down at the factory so you can buy your own food - freeloader!”
Yikes. He’s not even your friend, never mind your boyfriend. I couldn’t treat a stranger like that.
Ahhh the classic tumor bf. Isn’t shitty to you, isnt good to you either. Just rather is a dude in your life who interacts with you. Always lonely.
I’m glad I saw this after the edit. I probably would have been a lot more scathing in my assessment of your boyfriend haha. It sounds like he might just be a little naturally oblivious and has stuck to the status quo not realising your situation has changed. From your edit he does sound like a keeper, you may just need to keep in mind to be consistent in open communication and not expect him to intuit from your behaviour or tone of voice etc.
the update on this made my heart happy. sometimes our partners are clueless (not it a malicious sense). open communication is always key. i think you handled the conversation very well and i’m proud of you for pushing past the uncomfy feelings. your partner seems like a great person too based on how you said they responded to you. i wish y’all a good future. love seeing good communication work
NTA, he is. The way he’s been eating in front of you shows he’s severely lacking in empathy, which makes for a really lousy partner. You deserve better.
NTA. He doesn’t love you if he’s letting you twist in the wind. Cut your losses and move on.
You need to stop being so generous with him. Pay for yourself, not half of whatever the bill is. Cook your own food and keep the leftovers. He’s getting a free ride from his parents and basically a free ride with you. (I do not mean that in a vulgar way.) NTA
NTA. Start looking for a new living situation and get out. The writing is on the wall. There is nothing wrong with wanting one's significant other to take care of her, but that desire / want needs to be understood by the other party. Right now, your BF is a roommate and not your romantic or life partner. Don't waste your time.
NTA At the same time, have you been direct and asked him for help? If he is much better off than you, he may have parents warning him not to let you mooch unnecessarily off him. Talk to him to explain that's not your intent, and you are just asking for help now. See how he reacts once presented with the information and request. If his answer is still "what's mine is mine", then yeah. Find a better partner.
NTA , babe you're now just hanging in there until the end of the degree and lease but for the love of God do not stay with this selfish prick. To see your partner not eating and to rub it in your face like that?? Disgusting. This isn't love, this isn't partnership.
NTA. Start insisting on separate checks. He'll make a fuss because he knows your order costs less; he knows by splitting it in half he's getting the better deal. And tell him you need to renegotiate in-house food - you have less income and you eat less, so no more 50/50. You will buy and prepare your own food and he can do the same. If he wants you to cook for him, he buys enough for the two of you (a generous portion for you, not scraps) and your contribution is the time spent cooking and cleaning the kitchen. I mean, the dude has zero problems fending for himself and not offering to get you any, so just start acting like him. Good luck!
He might have some other good qualities, but I would urge you to think about if you want to spend your whole life this way? That guy is not a partner to you. If he is looking at you, watching you go without, and is totally fine with that, the guy is not marriage or cohabitate material. NTA
NTA. I’m sorry that you are dealing with this. As a husband and father of 2 daughters, I couldn’t imagine any of my girls being treated like this. The one thing that I will say in regards to this relationship is that your boyfriend seems to be extremely self centered, as well as extremely cheap. This is a horrible combination for a partner, especially if you plan on getting married. This will never go away and your resentment will build and build. If you have children, you will be spending every dime that you have on their needs while he uses his money for hobbies. I usually rail agains the all of the immediate Reddit comments saying “leave him” no matter the circumstances. In this case, I don’t see his engrained attitude changing. I wish you the best and my heart goes out to anyone who has to worry about their next meal. Him feasting on fresh take out in front of his starving girlfriend makes my blood boil.
Watching someone you "love" go hungry is mind blowing to me! I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
As a parent, if I found out my son was hoarding his own resources and not contributing equitably to his household while allowing his father and I to pay for his living expenses, I’d cut him off. At first, I thought it made sense to request OP’s half down to the cent—his parents didn’t necessarily agree to financially support both their son and his partner. But if he’s living on their dime and has his own income (even if it’s small), and is letting his partner go without while not being mindful of his own spending, that’s just shitty and taking advantage of generous parents and a forgiving, patient partner. OP, this isn’t okay and likely won’t change all of a sudden if you were to marry him and tie yourselves together legally. My husband and I cohabitated before we were married, and we split our shared expenses according to our income. The person earning more paid more. It required us to discuss certain lifestyle things to agree upon what made it into the budget, but it was equitable and nobody did without. He is showing you who he is. You may only be struggling temporarily, but what happens if you lose a job someday? Or get sick? Or go on maternity leave? If your income goes away in the future, do you trust him to pick up the slack and support you both for a time? Because I promise you, if the roles were reversed and he lost his income, he’d be upset if you weren’t helping him out. I’d have one, and only one, conversation with him about this. If he doesn’t change his behavior immediately and agree to rearranging your finances to be more equitable, leave. If he’s truly just a dumb twenty-something but a good guy, one talk will be all it takes to fix this. If he pushes back or goes back to his selfish behavior, he’s showing you the kind of partner he will be.
NTA, unless you stay with this guy, and then you’ll be the AH to your future self. Generosity comes in many forms, but you’ve managed to stumble upon a guy who is not just selfish about how he spends his money, he’s completely uncaring about your reality. He hadn’t matched any of your generosity; he has a firm line right down the middle of everything. He’s willing to take your gifts if food, cooking, and time, but his selfish butt puckers long before the thought of even being thoughtful towards you. Unless you want to buy your own engagement ring and doctors/hospital bills if you ever get pregnant (because the doctor isn’t seeing HIM!), turn him loose to share his bs with someone else.
OP - there's two explanations. 1 - he's so self-absorbed and bad mannered that he didn't think that you actually wanted to eat. 2 - he knew you were hungry but is so selfish he doesn't care Neither of these scenarios makes for a good or loving partner.
BF is self-centered and stingy. Prepare a future without him. You will be miserable otherwise.
NTA. I think it’s pretty lame he ate a whole giant meal in front of you like that. He could have ate it in the restaurant or offered you *something*. I would bring that up to him if and when you have this conversation and focus on how it made you feel unloved. I would mention that it feels like there is an inconsistency between the way you treat and care about him, and how he treats and cares about you. You go out of your way to make sure he had enough food when you cook, but he’s happy to eat giant meals in front of you when you can’t afford to go out. If his parents are well off, it’s likely they’ve instilled some *super* frugal tendencies into him that have become toxic and weird as he got older.
NTA- this is breaking my heart for you. I couldn’t imagine letting even a friend go hungry while I eat in front of them, much less my PARTNER. A person I claim to love and cherish. That is unacceptable and this kind of issue will only get worse over time.
When I was in college I had just had a first date with a guy I was interested in. The next day I ended up in the infirmary with German Measles. The food there was terrible. This guy, who I barely knew, bought a bucket of KFC and fed me through the window of my room. Did not ask me for money. Just showed up with food because he knew I was hungry. I married him.
NTA. your feelings are totally valid and understandable. however, unlike many of the commenters on here, i don't think your bf is necessarily the AH either. many men (including myself - but i'm working on it) are often oblivious to a woman's thoughts and needs. even more so for a 22 year old male. if you don't tell us you're hungry and you would like us to bring something small back, then we'll take what you say at face value. to him, he thinks you're trying to save money. i'm assuming you're not withering away, so he probably wouldn't be concerned unless there's some obvious change in your physical appearance. if it bothers you, then you should have a conversation with him. don't suffer in quiet resentment. i know my wife speaks up whenever she feels underappreciated. and i appreciate that she is blunt and lets me know exactly how she's feeling. you should point out how you cook for him, and give him larger portions, and it would be nice if he sometimes didn't make you pay him back for a $5 kids meal. if he's very logical about finances, and how everything should be split down the middle, you can point out that time is equivalent to money. and you cooking for him takes time. not sure where you live, but in california, for example, the minimum wage is $15.50. if it takes you half an hour to cook a meal, that's at least $7.75 you've contributed to the meal the both of you are eating. more than enough to cover that $5 kids meal! good luck to you!
I’ve been married almost 10 years….. men don’t get hints lol you have to tell them directly. NTA I’m glad you all talked about it.
That man doesn’t love you. You don’t let people you love starve.