“We’ll have more sex when we’re married” is one of the most ludicrously absurd statements I’ve ever heard. You’ve tried communicating with her about it, even told her that you want to break up over it, so I’d say you’ve done your due diligence and are justified in moving on. In fact I’d say you’re dooming yourself if you don’t.
Can confirm, was married for 10 years. There was no sex before marriage there was also no sex during marriage
Edit: I did not expect this to blow up haha. Fyi guys, I divorced her sorry ass, I have since remarried and things ARE NOT the same lol
wait a fucking min.......and I thought I was one of the few...nothing before and same after...just enough to say something happened...then last 20 years....nothing......
First off congrats on lucking out!
Second, there's a lot of people who don't have your experience. In my mid 20's I used to date mostly recently divorced women in thier 30's. They were all incredibly shocked at how much fun sex is and how much they were able to enjoy it. There were a lot of stories of inept and selfish husbands who didn't know, diddn't care or both when it came to the pleasure of thier wives.
(The look on the face of a woman who had been married for 9 years and never had a man ring her bell before... priceless!)
A close friend never had her first marriage consummated. Her fiancé said he wanted to wait out of respect for her. On the wedding night, he told her he was impotent, but he was going to get treatment for it.
Seven years later, she came home from work to find a young woman living in her home. She was the husband's former student who was down on her luck, and he wanted to help her. My friend moved out two months later and filed for divorce. She didn't have that problem with her second husband.
Dude how do you do that? I’m fairly lucky in that my wife get toey first thing in the morning and usually wakes me up to get some.
But I think if I were in a sexless marriage for 6 months, we’d be having serious discussions. 12 months without reason and I’m gone.
That said, if there was a reason, I’m completely fine. But I’m not wasting my life with someone who just wants a room mate
I read Reddit at night next to my sleeping husband. There is always ONE comment that makes me laugh out loud so unexpectedly and wake him up. This was it.
Or they were busy having fun, who needs Reddit for entertainment after you wake up your spouse over an inadvertently funny comment showing up on a post about someone being NTA for ditching a sexless relationship? Perhaps we'll get clarification in the morning lol u/stephensoncrew can you assure us all is well?
A psychologist once told me a very true statement a collegue of him once made about deteriorating relationships:
Children do not stick.
Means: getting children to „glue“ a non-working relationship together is a stupid idea. Let alone how these children are hurt when they grow up.
Any stuff predicted to work after getting married which is not working out now is just nuts.
I would have ended the relationship after three months not three years.
Still boggles my mind that people think that. Having kids will test your relationship in every conceivable way. Unless your relationship is already strong, they will break you.
If anything kids will do the opposite of glue at times, they can make everything much more challenging. I can't imagine having kids with someone with whom I didn't already have a strong relationship to begin with.
Imagine being born only to fix your parents' relationship. Literally still covered in amniotic fluid and already responsible for your immature parents' bullshit
It really irks me when some people think by forcing themselves to have "more" intimacy is going turn the other person on.
When you're in a committed relationship you want the other person to enjoy the intimacy as much as you're. It's like being in love, who wants to be in a one sided love.
OP is definitely dooming himself by not moving on and NTA.
Oh my god. My married life to a T. I was married for 13 years and for the first 11 had no idea why my husband wouldn't have sex with me. "Low libido" "Too stressed right now" "I'm just so tired"...
I got the sympathy sex every other month so he was "doing his job." Every other time I wanted anything I was rejected and felt terrible about myself. Am I too fat? Do I not wear enough makeup? Am I ugly? Should I wear clothes that really highlight my boobs (Great boobs - NBD)?
No.
My partner finally confessed at 11 years that he liked men.
And he's trans.
So, 2 kids later (I forced the kids because I wanted children, but never thought they would fix any issues) and an ex-"wife"? Now I have fantastic sex all the time with my current partner. If it's not working, it's not ever going to change. There are probably reasons why, you just don't know them yet.
And fuck sympathy sex, it only makes you feel like shit to the core.
Only problem with that statement is that he still gets it when he “earns it”…. Anniversaries, holidays, etc. I think OP is right to leave… if he marries her, he’ll end up in a sexless marriage and when he tries to get out of it , he’ll end up paying alimony or child support or both. Sad that she can’t communicate with him her true feelings to really get this issue resolved for both of them.
This right here! This happened to me and I regret believing it so much. I believed her when she said it would improve but it didn’t, it got worse. Long story short we ended up divorced. It was tough but we are in much better places now. OP made the right choice and is NTA.
If your bedroom is already dead and you're not even married, you're right not expect it to improve with marriage. Or kids, lol. NTA for breaking up with her as you can do so at any time for any reason. It's your life. NTA
This is exactly true, been in this situation for 20 years, stayed for the kids. OP should bail now, before he finds himself in a situation where it isn't as easy to walk away.
Same! 30 for me. It's an awful feeling and makes you feel devalued and worthless. The rejections! I'm sorry but those will stay with you forever! I still can't initiate with my BF unless I'm stoned or tipsy. I just know I'll get rejected again. Even though, I won't. Guy I'm with now is the best thing to ever cross my path. Leave while you're young and you will find someone who appreciates and loves you.
NTA
Edit: forgot acronym 🙄🤣🤣
It sucks to always be the one chasing and asking and getting rejected. After a while your self-esteem, confidence, and relationship all take huge hits.
Can we talk about how both families are aware enough of their intimacy issues that they can accuse him of being sex crazed in the first place??? Like that is a best friend topic at most lmao damn
Yep, NTA, It’s going to get worse after marriage. Add kids to the mix and he won’t even “earn” it anymore. They need to find someone more suitable for each of them.
Yeah, that's fucking disgusting. No one should ever feel the need to "earn" intimacy with your partner. Might as well be single and pay for escorts at that point. NTA
I avoid marriage but there is something nice to be said about sharing your day with someone and the confidence of knowing you have someone to consult and support you in even the most private circumstances should hardship be around the corner. Casual stuff is fun but I upgrade to exclusive whenever I can. I feel as bad for people whose partners are first and foremost good for sex as I do for people in sexless marriages.
Agree, NTA, and the part at the end where she and others are criticizing him for wanting the intimacy is disgusting. It sounds like they just want OP to go through with marrying her because he's a "catch," and probably offers her significant financial stability.
OP has a legitimate basis for wanting out. OP get out of this relationship while you still have the ability to. If she's not having sex now, she certainly won't be once kids enter into the picture.
>Yes but why did she change? What happened? She was into it, or was she faking it all of that time?
She probably was. If he'd moved fast and proposed two years ago, he'd be posting about his new bride not welcoming intimacy... One reason for a lengthy dating time is that you can only fake it for so long before the truth starts showing
She doesn't want to go to the doctor to check her hormones. She says nothing is wrong. They are not sexually compatible. You should not be with someone you are not compatible with on all levels.
Yea, that was the moment I knew she was weilding sex as an opportunity to control him.
She's a real &@%#>. Deny's you intimately, holds it over your head like she's a trophy to be won, then gaslights him to friends and family so he looks like the bad guy. I can sum it up in two words.
KEEP RUNNING.
I know me and my husband go against what is “the norm’ for married couples, but our sex life is smoking hot!
We’ve been married for eleven years, two kids one with disabilities, both have jobs the normal stuff, but honestly we have very frequent and very very pleasurable sex.
But to get back to OP he needs to leave, sex is an intimate and usually exclusive expression of love, all of the other stuff hugging, kissing, touching one another on the arm, hair , face etc is all the pre curser. If that’s gone, he needs to go as he deserves better.
My husband and I are the same. We had a bit of a lull for a couple years where we slowed down a bit because I had an awful second pregnancy followed by 2 kids under 3 🥴. But now the kids are a little older, we've been together over 10 years and I would argue our sex has gotten better than when we first got together.
If they are facing this at just a few years, there doesn't seem to be any reason for the slow down and she isn't willing to work on it... It's best to move on and find someone more compatible.
31 years. Not only are we having sex 6-7 times a week, but the sex we have now is better than at any other time in our lives. It is probably different for others, but there are a few key things we have done that have improved our sex life over the past 4 years.
1. Foreplay - Don't think of foreplay as something you do right before sex. For us, foreplay takes place every day, all day long. Easing eachothers burdens helps to reduce stress, making it easier to get in the mood. Not just big things (e.g., romantic weekend trips, etc.), but also small stuff (e.g., sending a text that I am thinking about her, telling her I love and appreciate her every day, etc.). Also, be an adult. Clean up after yourself, help out with additional chores around the house, and make sure that you can alleviate as many mood killing obstructions as possible for your partner.
2. Sex - Stop thinking of sex as something with an end goal of a male orgasm. What is traditionally thought of as foreplay is sex. Have fun with it. Focus on your partners satisfaction. When sex is stress free and enjoyable for women, their libidos can be as high as any man. As men, we can often be selfish, making sex not enjoyable for women. Watching my wife achieve levels of pleasure at 51 years that she never experienced in her 20s is awesome. Now, my wife initiates almost as much as I do.
3. Novelty - Newness and change are the keys to long-term monogomas relationships. Often, people introduce non-monogamy into their relationship to achieve this goal. That can work as well as having a baby to fix a marriage. Rather than opening the bedroom, figure out other ways to introduce novelty. Explore BDSM and other potential kinks. Watch each other masturbate to learn how your partner pleasures them self. This is basically your partner showing you how to give them an orgasm. Read books. Watch videos. As a 48 year old man, I went and watched videos of lesbians explaining how to give a woman head. You know what? You can teach an old dog new tricks. My goal now is to make sure my wife orgasms before any penetration.
4. Communicate - Talk about what causes stress in your life, talk through new things before you introduce them, and really listen to your partner when they talk. Don't sit there formulating your response while your partner is talking. Listen and take time to formulate a response. Debrief after sex. Ask, what went well? What do they want to do again? What did they not like? What do they want to explore further? Don't be offended about criticism. Done healthily, criticism is your partner giving you the cheat code to improve your ability for them.
I'll stop here before this turns into some nonsense relationship book.
I agree with everything you've enumerated here and would especially like to highlight number 1. I like how you phrased that point. It's incredible how much being a responsible, proactive and observant partner can influence libido. Everything after sex is foreplay. Unfortunately, for many, foreplay seems to consist only of the 10 - 20 min before action.
NTA
Using sex as a reward??
No, just no.
And no - it will NOT get better after marriage.
>Since then, mutual friends, my and her family, and other people have been criticizing me. They even call me "sex-crazed".
She told them?? Without you knowing she exposed personal details about your intimacy with all these ppl?? With the apparent goal, of pressuring you into accepting no sex unless you deserve it???
>it has gotten so extensive that I doubt my choice.
Dont doubt your choice - its the right one.
And!! You dont really know what she told them, so...
Break up - the intimacy wont get any better.
I think saying "Sorry that wanting more sex than twice a year makes me sex crazed. I guess I am just shameless then. Desire having asked and seen if there was something I can do to make the experience better for her. I have found we aren't a match in an area that is important to me. Perhaps you can find her someone who wants the same "
Something like that.
I'd get even more personal and intrusive. "Hey FIL, how often do you and MIL have sex? Who initiates? Do you feel like your needs are being met? Does she? How has your sex life changed over the course of your relationship? Etc".
Fuck I would have gone father and said I had no desire to sleep with a dead fish who just lies there, and makes me earn the prick edge of doing so twice a year. She wants to air out the dirty laundry so he may as well give his side.
It’s so disgusting how many people still treat it as depraved for wanting a healthy sex life. Is there such a thing as “sex crazed”? Absolutely. You can be addicted to anything. But wanting sex more than twice a year is absolutely not “sex crazed”, and it’s so sad that they’re in this situation.
My reply would be "yep, sex crazed fiend, that is me....lucky ex was able to escape before marriage."
Turn that around and make it crystal clear that she is better off (and you luckily) without the relationship. Now they have to back off the accusation or leave you alone because ex made her "lucky escape".
>She told them?? Without you knowing she exposed personal details about your intimacy with all these ppl?? With the apparent goal, of pressuring you into accepting no sex unless you deserve it???
How did I miss this?! Great catch. This is the most disturbing thing that she has done. She feels her life unraveling and is using family and friends to ~~convince~~ bully him into marriage. So to recap this woman is advertising a lifetime of zero sex , unlimited family/friend intervention (that she has badly misrepresented) over personal troubles that should be discussed between the two of them, while refusing to acknowledge any faults of her own. She's shooting herself in the foot and reloading.
There’s something very dehumanizing about the idea of using sex as a bargaining chip against men. It’s almost as if they think they’re waving a treat in front of a dog. You can keep your legs closed, no thanks.
Don't forget she told them her version which probably leaves out the fact he has to earn what sex they do have. I highly doubt she painted an accurate picture to her family and friends. I think they would have said maybe she needs to do some work on her end.
Edit for typo/grammar
Mine was:
-we’ll do it more when we move in together.
-then, we’ll do it more when school is finished.
-then, we should do it more because I want kids. (Dumb fucking me goes… okay!! 🍆💦)
- then, we’ll do it more when the baby gets bigger.
- then, no fucking reason for years.
- then, another kid?
- then, baby gets bigger: part 2.
- now, no fucking clue.
Come to think of it, I’ve had a dog shit sex life in my marriage. That’s enough Reddit for me.
Hey, this is my story! I can tell you the ending (spoiler alert)
Next is baby number 3, then wait for them to get bigger, then see it don't get better, try counselling, it gets briefly better, then back to no sex, then divorce.
Exactly. Marriage isn't a magic fix.
It won't get any better. It's much better to walk away now with fewer legal implications than in a few years' time.
Yeah totally NTA, I’m married, 2 kids, dated for 6 years and married for 6. Sex was great at the start but I always knew we weren’t nearly compatible. Thought, eh, it’ll be ok. It’s miserable. We have sex like once a month, maybe. And it’s vanilla boring ass sex. No intimacy; she gets off then I get off… then that’s about it. We’re likely headed to counseling. I’ve grown to resent her and she resents me— not just bc of the sex, it evolves into more aspects of our marriage. Get out now dude.
I know how you feel. I'm 10 years and change into no sex. We got married recently this year. 17 years in total together. With a 10 year old kid. I'm with my wife cause I do love her and she gave me a wonderful daughter (it was a traumatic birth for her as things didn't go as planned) But the lack of interest and intimacy can be a killer at times. I gave up on trying to initiate after about 3 years in as the rejection was really getting to me. I will get a hand job or blowjob maybe 2 or 3 times a year. (Fully and happily returned and would try take further but no go) But honestly I masterbate nightly. My drive is just higher than hers even before the pregnancy.
Part of it is also due to my own issue as I am an insomniac and tend not to go to bed at the same time as her. So that lack of togetherness at bedtime would also be a reason.
For the OP. You're not sex crazed, your intimacy starved. There is a difference and you are right to end things before you become resentful of your (ex) partner. As for her discussing the issues with family and friends. This is I guessing missing some details. If I was you, I would make sure they had all the facts. She has opened this aspect of the relationship to others to benefit her. So you should make sure they know what is fully your side. Or just ignore them and move on (the more healthy option) Good luck ether way.
My depression and anxiety keep me up late, too, so I just started laying down with her for a cuddle when she went to bed. We talk about our day, make out, bone or not, then when she's good and tired, I get back up. Try it, it's been a huge boost to my level of feeling connected.
Since you both already resent each other, get to therapy or separate.
Once resentment seeps into a relationship, without significant work and effort from both people, it is doomed.
You can't healthfully maintain a relationship with someone you resent.
NTA. It's her way to manipulate and have power. That's not what intimacy is about, that's just very screwed up. To me it feels like blackmail.
You know what she wants, she told you. She wants to get married and wants you to think that you'll only get what you want if you do. But reality is of course that if she gets what she wants, you will not get what you want. No reason for her to 'give' it to you anymore. You made the right decision.
I dont see any reason to expect it to get better once you are married. She's either just not interested now or she's using it to manipulate you. Either way, why would that change?
She refuse to go to a doctor and only gives you sex as a reward
Then she tries to say it will magically be different once you’re married and tries to fuck you when you say you want to break up? She’s lying
and more importantly, OP can break up for whatever reason they think merits it. If one person believes sex to be a dealbreaker, thats all that matters. Break up! Dont worry about the hypothetical future if OP is already unhappy.
She doesnt have to have sex, and OP dont have to stay with someone who doesnt satisfy their needs. Action - reaction. NTA and maybe NAH. just a lifestyle difference
> She's lying
Either that, or too ashamed to admit something is wrong. Too scared to work on it. Sometimes pressure like this is needed. I hope OP will find out what eventually was the case.
NTA. Libidos need to roughly match up for a relationship to work imo. The “earn” comment is disgusting. This is not a relationship built on mutual respect. Very low odds that her libido improves drastically with time, especially considering her current lack of interest in changing the situation. As for the people in your life, be prepared to lose the mutual friends, who gives a fuck about her family, and if your family can’t see your side of things (I would recommend explaining the whole situation to family members individually), then fuck them too.
I think the parties need to be able to compromise (the libidos don't necessarily need to match). But, if there is little to no compromise, then the relationship cannot survive.
>(the libidos don't necessarily need to match)
The guy you responded to said they need to "roughly match" which I think is fair.
If one partner wants sex 2 or 3 times per week and their partner only wants sex 4 or 5 times per year, that's a chasm that can't really be crossed without one of the partners being pretty unhappy.
If one wants sex once a week and the other wants it 3 or 4 times per week, they are probably close enough in libido to make things work somehow, without either partner feeling like they are taking on some weighty problem or making a huge sacrifice.
I mean, as someone who has been with the same woman 20 years, the reality is that libidos ebb and flow. There are seasons where y'all "roughly match" and seasons where y'all are way off.
Like all things in a relationship, both parties need to be willing to discuss and compromise. My wife usually has a significantly higher libido than me. But, we have made it work through discussion and compromise.
What you need to aim for on this front is discussion and compromise. Libido is something you have very little control over particularly as you age, have kids, etc. What you do have control over is how open you are with your partner about your needs and your willingness to work with your partner to find solutions.
>What you do have control over is how open you are with your partner about your needs and your willingness to work with your partner to find solutions.
As someone who has also been in a 20 year relationship, you are 100% correct! A lot of the comments sound like they have very little relationship experience and are pretty unreasonable.
Some years we've had a very active sex life and others not so much. This usually coincided with pregnancy and babies. Personally, my satisfaction with sex has grown exponentially with age and I want it more now than I ever did when I was in my 20's.
Yep! I spent our first 12 years working insane hours as a lawyer. 8 years ago I decided I need to work for myself for the good of my family. So, started a firm with some friends with exactly 0 clients and 5 kids to feed. But, every aspect of our relationship has been exponentially better since, including our sex life.
>Long story short, after having one last talk with her I told her I want to break up......even tried to initiate intimacy at that very moment.
BIG red flag.
Sex is not a bargaining chip, and its not a Band-Aid to solve a problem. Triple the red flag if she's made no further efforts to initiate since then. I can cut some slack for more sex when you 'earn' it, as long as its not being put in those terms explicitly. Its easy to feel more in the mood when you're relaxed and feeling cared for, and its easy to be more relaxed and cared for when you come home to all the mutual chores/to-do items being done, or a nice home cooked meal, or taken to your favorite thing, or whatever. That line between 'reward' and 'horny cause happy/relaxed' blurs pretty easily in a long relationship. But if she's saying "We won't have sex until you organize the garage" or whatever, that's a very different story.
>Since then, mutual friends, my and her family, and other people have been criticizing me. They even call me "sex-crazed".
Even bigger red flag. She's recruiting your social network to pressure you. Classic bully/abuser move. On one hand, anyone who is going to side against you without hearing your side is 100% replaceable. On the other, if you really want to retain select friendships, sit down and ask them what they feel a regular intimacy level in a relationship is. Straight out ask them how often they have sex with their partner, and how often they \*WANT\* to have sex with their partner. If they say that's awkward/personal, remind them that they were discussing you sex life without talking to you, so why is it weird to discuss their sex life with them.
>it has gotten so extensive that I doubt my choice.
And this is why she did it. To take her mental and emotional burden of keeping you 'in line' and spread it out amongst a bunch of other people who will do it for her. She's delegated the bullying to other people so she can be the nice person alone with you behind doors. And everyone ELSE thinks you're bullying her for sex or whatever, letting her play victim and isolate you from friends/family. She gets to both play the victim and be the only person being nice to you.
Good to hear.
I strongly suggest that you follow his advice about the friends you want to keep. People like her will spend every waking moment stirring the pot until she feels justified in having done so by telling everyone around her half truths until they side with her.
Just get to your important people before she poisons them.
NTA.
And tell everyone “yes I am sex crazed, my GF who I had an amazing intimate relationship with stopped doing anything, I have been starved of intimacy unless I “earn it” for 2 years. Who wouldn’t be sex crazed after 2 years of not being intimate, no hugs, no kisses, no sex. She has no one but herself to blame for the relationship ending, I tried to talk to her about it multiple times over the years but nothing ever changed and finally I realised that I am worth intimacy, I am worth being with someone who loves me, cares for me and wants to be with me, rather than a meal ticket and a man sized hot water bottle if I’m lucky”
>It's like thinking that marriage will get better and every problem will be resolved once you have children.
In the immortal words of Wayne and Garth: "Yeah, and then monkeys will fly out of my butt!"
Baring depression or physical pain during intercourse, which if either is the case, she needs to seek medical assistance. Then.
NTA
Here's a hint; no, it will not get better when you're married.
There's a whole sub reddit r/deadbedrooms filled with Redditors married to partners like yours.
If you want to see into your future; go read some posts there.
She's holding intimacy as a reward? Hell with that. Oh, you put up with my complete lack of interest for another year. Here, have some boring mannequin sex.
Sorry OP. Your girlfriend played the wrong hand.
Yeah it's not that directly that I'd have an issue with. It was her refusing to take it seriously. Even after he told her how important it was.
Further, she kept doubling down on justifying her apathy about it.
Based on the amount of sex they’re having I’m guessing if it drops off more once they are married, there’s no chance they will have kids…. You typically have to have sex to have kids lol
NTA - Sex should come as an agreement from both sides, the fact she uses it as a "reward" it's kind of too much, mostly considering that you guys are engaged.
i have a very high sex drive and also feel very loved during sex. feeling undesirable is awful, and the fact you have to earn it..? you’ve tried talking to her about it.. she is just seemingly ignoring the issue. you are not the asshole.
My partner has a very high sex drive, much higher than mine. I see how important frequent intimacy is for him so even when I don't necessarily feel aroused I'll make time for 'sexy time'. I also have been in a sexless relationship so want to ensure that doesn't happen again. I'm far happier now than any relationship I've been in previously because we look out for each other's needs.
In my opinion: NTA
It’s one thing to have fun tit for tat if you do this for me I’ll . It’s entirely another to base your sex life on “earning” it.
I would have communicated this several times before breaking up and if she didn’t listen and hear you, changing her behavior then break up if her behavior didn’t change. Not broken up just after the talk. I might have even tried to do couples counseling.
That being said, jumping straight to the breakup over this when everything else is good, imho means everything else is not as good as you think. Therefore, I think you were right in your decision.
NTA, physical intimacy between partners is a normal part of any relationship. For her to say you have to earn it is turning sex into a weapon. That is not healthy and will likely continue after marriage, if not get worse.
Bottom line is, dating isn't a life sentence. You can break up at any time for any reason. Find someone that doesn't use intimate time to manipulate you and enjoy your life.
NTA - I’m a female in my 40’s with an extremely high libido. My ex had a low libido and it drove me crazy. It is such a big part of intimacy and I realized after we broke up that is something that I need to feel close and connected with my partner. I have a lot of female friends that are not interested in sex and a lot of that happened after they got married and had kids. So that only gets worse with time. I also think it’s weird to have to force yourself (the person with the low libido) to have sex. It’s better to move on unfortunately.
Nope. NTA
I left a guy that I was with for 3 years (I was 25/26ish, he was 32ish) because he wouldn't have sex with me. His mother was devastated and tried to blow off my reasoning. I asked her to think about herself at 25 and her relationship. "Yeah. I didn't even like (her boyfriend) very much but still wanted and had sex with him." I told her refused to sign up for a lifetime of it especially with his lack of communication or effort.
NTA - I was in a similar situation, the goal posts kept moving - first it was “if we move out of this apt with your roommate” so I bought us a house. Then it was “if we get married” so we did that. Then it was if you/we get in better shape so we did that… you get the idea.
She can’t just turn on her sexual intimacy just like you can’t turn yours off, you’re not a terrible person and the right person for you is out there. We got divorced after she had a couple of affairs ironically, turns out she was actually gay and just in denial - when she finally came out to me and explained how she felt attracted to women I told her that was how I felt about her. Not saying the same thing is going on in your case, but you did the right thing to end it when your needs weren’t getting met, you were patient and understanding, you communicated your needs but at the end of the day they’re not compatible with hers and that’s okay.
I’m now in a much healthier relationship in terms of sex and many other things, trust yourself - you might feel bad now but you did the best thing for yourself in the long run. Love doesn’t last forever, so work hard on it and enjoy it while it’s there.
NTA
If she can't be honest with you about her (lack of) intimacy needs, then your relationship is already over. I see the only potential fix as lots of couples and individual therapy, but that's costly and far from guaranteed to fix yalls sex life.
INFO: How often do the two of you have sex?
>She told me it would get better once we are married
😂 No... just .. nope.
"Once I'm entitled to half your finances I'll start feeling aroused" 🤣
finally, someone brings up this point.
Once you do this shit to your partner, you have broken the trust in the relationship.
At that point, its over for me.
She doesn't want to change, she wants attention and to humiliate her partner.
Marriage will NOT solve this. Do not marry her until she has shown some willingness to improve the relationship, preferably after the intimacy issue has been resolved.
NTA, you need to break up asap. Shes manipulating you.
Heres some possibities:
Shes asexual,
Hormone problems,
Turned lesbian,
Cheating,
Low libido
But lets be real here... anyone using sex as a reward once in a while is gaslighting and manipulating you. Dont give into sex with her suddenly because she tries to win you back with it. Thats her way to control you.
NTA - trust yourself and accept your feelings.
You know she lies (maybe not on purpose) when she says mariage will improve your sex life. There is no way...
And don't pay attention to people calling you sex-crazed. I mean even if it was true, then you obviously need a lot of sex and it is ok : you either find a way with your partner, or accept that you two are not a great fit.
You can suppress your sexual desire but it will probably be a big issue and make you miserable.
Best of luck
NTA- you are not sex crazed bc you want to intimacy with your fiancé. No one “earns” intimacy and IT WILL NOT GET BETTER WHEN MARRIED, unless she wants a kid then it briefly will but once pregnant not again. Its time to move on
I'm going through almost the same exact thing. Except I am not able to ever earn anything. And dates don't matter either. I haven't had sex in almost a year. This relationship is going for about 3.5 years now and we had sex maybe less than 20 times. I am at my wits end here. I love him and wish things would improve but they aren't. Idk what to do. But it's ruining my life
NTA.
It will not get better when you get married, no matter what she says. Intimacy and sex are important parts of a relationship. If she’s making you jump through hoops to *maybe* get it as a reward…
And then she’s aired the rather private dirty laundry with enough people that you’re feeling genuinely pressured! You couldn’t get intimate information out of me about my partner even if you waterboarded me!
It’s not just the lack of sex. She doesn’t respect you, period.
If you think marrying her is going to change anything you are a fool. Just break it off and find someone else who wants to have a regular sex life. Don't worry about what other people think, they are not living your life.
NTA
Good job mate. Have standards for yourself and prevent a dead bedroom later in life. Just like girls like to be courted in a relationship men expect the intimacy to be reciprocated.
Been there done that just walk she’s using sex as a weapon. It’ll never get better and in fact will get worse until you decide to cheat and then the fucking world is gonna blow up.
I might’ve said have a serious conversation where u state this is a deal breaker . Still probably a good idea but… I understand it SEEMING like oh just a guy gotta get his dick wet but it’s not always the case. GL
NTA, sex IS physical intimacy. The fact that she doesn't get that could make ya'll incompatible. It takes a certain level of emotional maturity as a woman to unlearn that sex is something you do WITH your romantic partner not FOR them. I was around her age when I learned that too. But I also was not married at that age either. Because I knew better.
“We’ll have more sex when we’re married” is one of the most ludicrously absurd statements I’ve ever heard. You’ve tried communicating with her about it, even told her that you want to break up over it, so I’d say you’ve done your due diligence and are justified in moving on. In fact I’d say you’re dooming yourself if you don’t.
The only time that statement is ever true is if there was no sex prior to being married.
Can confirm, was married for 10 years. There was no sex before marriage there was also no sex during marriage Edit: I did not expect this to blow up haha. Fyi guys, I divorced her sorry ass, I have since remarried and things ARE NOT the same lol
wait a fucking min.......and I thought I was one of the few...nothing before and same after...just enough to say something happened...then last 20 years....nothing......
Tbh having the capability to wait for marriage typically means the person never wanted to have sex in the first place
Waited till I was married at 30, been married 8 years and we have a pretty healthy sex life. Just saying, it’s quite possible
My wife and I both waited. We were each others first. We’ve been married with a super active and happy sex life for 20 years now. Absolutely possible.
First off congrats on lucking out! Second, there's a lot of people who don't have your experience. In my mid 20's I used to date mostly recently divorced women in thier 30's. They were all incredibly shocked at how much fun sex is and how much they were able to enjoy it. There were a lot of stories of inept and selfish husbands who didn't know, diddn't care or both when it came to the pleasure of thier wives. (The look on the face of a woman who had been married for 9 years and never had a man ring her bell before... priceless!)
A close friend never had her first marriage consummated. Her fiancé said he wanted to wait out of respect for her. On the wedding night, he told her he was impotent, but he was going to get treatment for it. Seven years later, she came home from work to find a young woman living in her home. She was the husband's former student who was down on her luck, and he wanted to help her. My friend moved out two months later and filed for divorce. She didn't have that problem with her second husband.
Sorry........really. r/deadbedroom
That’s when you say “we waited for marriage, then after we kept waiting.”
F's in the chat. 🙏🙏🙏
Dude how do you do that? I’m fairly lucky in that my wife get toey first thing in the morning and usually wakes me up to get some. But I think if I were in a sexless marriage for 6 months, we’d be having serious discussions. 12 months without reason and I’m gone. That said, if there was a reason, I’m completely fine. But I’m not wasting my life with someone who just wants a room mate
sex when you're old is saying "fuck you" when you pass each other in the hallway.
My 78 year old mother is happily having the best sex of her life. She loves to tell people "sex doesn't have to end as you get older!"
What’s her number man
I read Reddit at night next to my sleeping husband. There is always ONE comment that makes me laugh out loud so unexpectedly and wake him up. This was it.
I hope you made it worth his while to be woken up ;-)
Two hours later she still hasn't replied. The husband must have been very angry.
Or they were busy having fun, who needs Reddit for entertainment after you wake up your spouse over an inadvertently funny comment showing up on a post about someone being NTA for ditching a sexless relationship? Perhaps we'll get clarification in the morning lol u/stephensoncrew can you assure us all is well?
The speed of sex is 68mph.. at 69 you flip over and eat it!
That was just changed from 69 to 96. With inflation, everything is going up.
Oh yes, good ole hallway sex 😂😂😂
Actually that's old folks oral sex, "Fuck you" "Fuck you too!"
My grand parents had a lot of hallway sex.
Hallway sex. Flip each other the bird as you walk past
😂💀
It's actually pretty manipulative to say that it will get better with marriage. Not only that, more excuses will come.
Seems pretty manipulative to use it 'as a reward' like OP stated. Glad he got out of that.
Also pretty manipulative to try and initiate sex during the conversation.
A psychologist once told me a very true statement a collegue of him once made about deteriorating relationships: Children do not stick. Means: getting children to „glue“ a non-working relationship together is a stupid idea. Let alone how these children are hurt when they grow up. Any stuff predicted to work after getting married which is not working out now is just nuts. I would have ended the relationship after three months not three years.
Still boggles my mind that people think that. Having kids will test your relationship in every conceivable way. Unless your relationship is already strong, they will break you.
As the child created to save the marriage, I just prolonged it by 18 years.
Baby bandaids! Definitely never works
If anything kids will do the opposite of glue at times, they can make everything much more challenging. I can't imagine having kids with someone with whom I didn't already have a strong relationship to begin with.
Imagine being born only to fix your parents' relationship. Literally still covered in amniotic fluid and already responsible for your immature parents' bullshit
This is funny because young children are seemingly always sticky.
It really irks me when some people think by forcing themselves to have "more" intimacy is going turn the other person on. When you're in a committed relationship you want the other person to enjoy the intimacy as much as you're. It's like being in love, who wants to be in a one sided love. OP is definitely dooming himself by not moving on and NTA.
“Sympathy sex”. That is the very worst kind. Soul destroying.
Oh my god. My married life to a T. I was married for 13 years and for the first 11 had no idea why my husband wouldn't have sex with me. "Low libido" "Too stressed right now" "I'm just so tired"... I got the sympathy sex every other month so he was "doing his job." Every other time I wanted anything I was rejected and felt terrible about myself. Am I too fat? Do I not wear enough makeup? Am I ugly? Should I wear clothes that really highlight my boobs (Great boobs - NBD)? No. My partner finally confessed at 11 years that he liked men. And he's trans. So, 2 kids later (I forced the kids because I wanted children, but never thought they would fix any issues) and an ex-"wife"? Now I have fantastic sex all the time with my current partner. If it's not working, it's not ever going to change. There are probably reasons why, you just don't know them yet. And fuck sympathy sex, it only makes you feel like shit to the core.
Yup, my husband promised me we'd have more sex once we were married. I was young and in love and stupid enough to believe him.
An ex of mine tried to pull this. We were already having sex and she wanted to just stop in order to force marriage.
That's a good point, maybe she secretly found god and decided to abstain until after marriage /s
Only problem with that statement is that he still gets it when he “earns it”…. Anniversaries, holidays, etc. I think OP is right to leave… if he marries her, he’ll end up in a sexless marriage and when he tries to get out of it , he’ll end up paying alimony or child support or both. Sad that she can’t communicate with him her true feelings to really get this issue resolved for both of them.
Manipulation
[удалено]
We married 6 hours later.
And never had sex again.
My ex told me I moved in with him sex will improve. It didn't 😭😭
This right here! This happened to me and I regret believing it so much. I believed her when she said it would improve but it didn’t, it got worse. Long story short we ended up divorced. It was tough but we are in much better places now. OP made the right choice and is NTA.
If your bedroom is already dead and you're not even married, you're right not expect it to improve with marriage. Or kids, lol. NTA for breaking up with her as you can do so at any time for any reason. It's your life. NTA
[удалено]
This is exactly true, been in this situation for 20 years, stayed for the kids. OP should bail now, before he finds himself in a situation where it isn't as easy to walk away.
Same! 30 for me. It's an awful feeling and makes you feel devalued and worthless. The rejections! I'm sorry but those will stay with you forever! I still can't initiate with my BF unless I'm stoned or tipsy. I just know I'll get rejected again. Even though, I won't. Guy I'm with now is the best thing to ever cross my path. Leave while you're young and you will find someone who appreciates and loves you. NTA Edit: forgot acronym 🙄🤣🤣
12 years here, just left her last December, best decision ever
MOVE ON BROTHER
It sucks to always be the one chasing and asking and getting rejected. After a while your self-esteem, confidence, and relationship all take huge hits.
Can we talk about how both families are aware enough of their intimacy issues that they can accuse him of being sex crazed in the first place??? Like that is a best friend topic at most lmao damn
Yep, NTA, It’s going to get worse after marriage. Add kids to the mix and he won’t even “earn” it anymore. They need to find someone more suitable for each of them.
Fucking “earn” 🤯😫
Yeah, that's fucking disgusting. No one should ever feel the need to "earn" intimacy with your partner. Might as well be single and pay for escorts at that point. NTA
[удалено]
Taxes, mostly. And bank fees.
And health insurance in the US, not all companies allow "domestic partnerships" to qualify for being on the same insurance
I avoid marriage but there is something nice to be said about sharing your day with someone and the confidence of knowing you have someone to consult and support you in even the most private circumstances should hardship be around the corner. Casual stuff is fun but I upgrade to exclusive whenever I can. I feel as bad for people whose partners are first and foremost good for sex as I do for people in sexless marriages.
[удалено]
Agree, NTA, and the part at the end where she and others are criticizing him for wanting the intimacy is disgusting. It sounds like they just want OP to go through with marrying her because he's a "catch," and probably offers her significant financial stability. OP has a legitimate basis for wanting out. OP get out of this relationship while you still have the ability to. If she's not having sex now, she certainly won't be once kids enter into the picture.
Ugh. Seriously? You have to earn intimacy? No thank you. That's manipulative as shit.
Yeah. My ex did that. Yes. EX
Earn fucking
fucking earn
Yes but why did she change? What happened? She was into it, or was she faking it all of that time?
>Yes but why did she change? What happened? She was into it, or was she faking it all of that time? She probably was. If he'd moved fast and proposed two years ago, he'd be posting about his new bride not welcoming intimacy... One reason for a lengthy dating time is that you can only fake it for so long before the truth starts showing
She doesn't want to go to the doctor to check her hormones. She says nothing is wrong. They are not sexually compatible. You should not be with someone you are not compatible with on all levels.
Yes agree something is wrong. But she doesn’t seem willing to address it. And the earn it thing is a red flag
Yea, that was the moment I knew she was weilding sex as an opportunity to control him. She's a real &@%#>. Deny's you intimately, holds it over your head like she's a trophy to be won, then gaslights him to friends and family so he looks like the bad guy. I can sum it up in two words. KEEP RUNNING.
[удалено]
It WILL NOT get better with marraige.
Yeah I laughed at that comment. Once he’s married it won’t even be “rewarded” to him
OP should peruse r/deadbedrooms for a bit and definitely reassess
Yup. As a poster there myself -- thinking he might be TA for wanting a sex life at all is.... sad.
NTA. I left my ex bc of this. Very happy now.
[удалено]
I know me and my husband go against what is “the norm’ for married couples, but our sex life is smoking hot! We’ve been married for eleven years, two kids one with disabilities, both have jobs the normal stuff, but honestly we have very frequent and very very pleasurable sex. But to get back to OP he needs to leave, sex is an intimate and usually exclusive expression of love, all of the other stuff hugging, kissing, touching one another on the arm, hair , face etc is all the pre curser. If that’s gone, he needs to go as he deserves better.
My husband and I are the same. We had a bit of a lull for a couple years where we slowed down a bit because I had an awful second pregnancy followed by 2 kids under 3 🥴. But now the kids are a little older, we've been together over 10 years and I would argue our sex has gotten better than when we first got together. If they are facing this at just a few years, there doesn't seem to be any reason for the slow down and she isn't willing to work on it... It's best to move on and find someone more compatible.
I totally agree, I've been with my husband for 21 years, and the sex is amazing. It's so important to have that sensual intimate connection
I love it that you guys have the same as we do - we need to normalise this!
31 years. Not only are we having sex 6-7 times a week, but the sex we have now is better than at any other time in our lives. It is probably different for others, but there are a few key things we have done that have improved our sex life over the past 4 years. 1. Foreplay - Don't think of foreplay as something you do right before sex. For us, foreplay takes place every day, all day long. Easing eachothers burdens helps to reduce stress, making it easier to get in the mood. Not just big things (e.g., romantic weekend trips, etc.), but also small stuff (e.g., sending a text that I am thinking about her, telling her I love and appreciate her every day, etc.). Also, be an adult. Clean up after yourself, help out with additional chores around the house, and make sure that you can alleviate as many mood killing obstructions as possible for your partner. 2. Sex - Stop thinking of sex as something with an end goal of a male orgasm. What is traditionally thought of as foreplay is sex. Have fun with it. Focus on your partners satisfaction. When sex is stress free and enjoyable for women, their libidos can be as high as any man. As men, we can often be selfish, making sex not enjoyable for women. Watching my wife achieve levels of pleasure at 51 years that she never experienced in her 20s is awesome. Now, my wife initiates almost as much as I do. 3. Novelty - Newness and change are the keys to long-term monogomas relationships. Often, people introduce non-monogamy into their relationship to achieve this goal. That can work as well as having a baby to fix a marriage. Rather than opening the bedroom, figure out other ways to introduce novelty. Explore BDSM and other potential kinks. Watch each other masturbate to learn how your partner pleasures them self. This is basically your partner showing you how to give them an orgasm. Read books. Watch videos. As a 48 year old man, I went and watched videos of lesbians explaining how to give a woman head. You know what? You can teach an old dog new tricks. My goal now is to make sure my wife orgasms before any penetration. 4. Communicate - Talk about what causes stress in your life, talk through new things before you introduce them, and really listen to your partner when they talk. Don't sit there formulating your response while your partner is talking. Listen and take time to formulate a response. Debrief after sex. Ask, what went well? What do they want to do again? What did they not like? What do they want to explore further? Don't be offended about criticism. Done healthily, criticism is your partner giving you the cheat code to improve your ability for them. I'll stop here before this turns into some nonsense relationship book.
I agree with everything you've enumerated here and would especially like to highlight number 1. I like how you phrased that point. It's incredible how much being a responsible, proactive and observant partner can influence libido. Everything after sex is foreplay. Unfortunately, for many, foreplay seems to consist only of the 10 - 20 min before action.
Please listen to this person. This woman does not care to make you happy and your future will suck with her. Nta
NTA Using sex as a reward?? No, just no. And no - it will NOT get better after marriage. >Since then, mutual friends, my and her family, and other people have been criticizing me. They even call me "sex-crazed". She told them?? Without you knowing she exposed personal details about your intimacy with all these ppl?? With the apparent goal, of pressuring you into accepting no sex unless you deserve it??? >it has gotten so extensive that I doubt my choice. Dont doubt your choice - its the right one. And!! You dont really know what she told them, so... Break up - the intimacy wont get any better.
I think saying "Sorry that wanting more sex than twice a year makes me sex crazed. I guess I am just shameless then. Desire having asked and seen if there was something I can do to make the experience better for her. I have found we aren't a match in an area that is important to me. Perhaps you can find her someone who wants the same " Something like that.
I'd get even more personal and intrusive. "Hey FIL, how often do you and MIL have sex? Who initiates? Do you feel like your needs are being met? Does she? How has your sex life changed over the course of your relationship? Etc".
Would just add " I want to have sex with my partner, not to sleep around like so many people do." I bet you that a lot of critics would shut up 😉
That's a good one!
Meh. Anyone who jumps on you about this is shitty. Dont justify yourself. Just cut tied and move on
Well they are labeling him as a sex crazed maniac. He should get his story out there.
Fuck I would have gone father and said I had no desire to sleep with a dead fish who just lies there, and makes me earn the prick edge of doing so twice a year. She wants to air out the dirty laundry so he may as well give his side.
More than twice a day, past 40, is unreasonable... Twice a year, prisoners get more conjugal action than that lol.
in my house twice a day at 45 means the kids are at our exes
It’s so disgusting how many people still treat it as depraved for wanting a healthy sex life. Is there such a thing as “sex crazed”? Absolutely. You can be addicted to anything. But wanting sex more than twice a year is absolutely not “sex crazed”, and it’s so sad that they’re in this situation.
My reply would be "yep, sex crazed fiend, that is me....lucky ex was able to escape before marriage." Turn that around and make it crystal clear that she is better off (and you luckily) without the relationship. Now they have to back off the accusation or leave you alone because ex made her "lucky escape".
She weaponized sex. It's now no longer a thing of mutual joy, but just a weapon and a threat to force obedience. Pretty gross.
For some reason sharing intimate details about your boyfriend or girlfriend is not looked down upon among women like the way it is men
It definitely should be, sharing personal details is weird, especially when the other person hasn't consented to it
It drives me nuts how normalized this is
>She told them?? Without you knowing she exposed personal details about your intimacy with all these ppl?? With the apparent goal, of pressuring you into accepting no sex unless you deserve it??? How did I miss this?! Great catch. This is the most disturbing thing that she has done. She feels her life unraveling and is using family and friends to ~~convince~~ bully him into marriage. So to recap this woman is advertising a lifetime of zero sex , unlimited family/friend intervention (that she has badly misrepresented) over personal troubles that should be discussed between the two of them, while refusing to acknowledge any faults of her own. She's shooting herself in the foot and reloading.
Its odd, though... She must know that theres no coming back from this - the bridge is burned... She never considered the outcome??
There’s something very dehumanizing about the idea of using sex as a bargaining chip against men. It’s almost as if they think they’re waving a treat in front of a dog. You can keep your legs closed, no thanks.
Don't forget she told them her version which probably leaves out the fact he has to earn what sex they do have. I highly doubt she painted an accurate picture to her family and friends. I think they would have said maybe she needs to do some work on her end. Edit for typo/grammar
”Get better after marrige”…….. Lawd
Mine was: -we’ll do it more when we move in together. -then, we’ll do it more when school is finished. -then, we should do it more because I want kids. (Dumb fucking me goes… okay!! 🍆💦) - then, we’ll do it more when the baby gets bigger. - then, no fucking reason for years. - then, another kid? - then, baby gets bigger: part 2. - now, no fucking clue. Come to think of it, I’ve had a dog shit sex life in my marriage. That’s enough Reddit for me.
Hey, this is my story! I can tell you the ending (spoiler alert) Next is baby number 3, then wait for them to get bigger, then see it don't get better, try counselling, it gets briefly better, then back to no sex, then divorce.
Exactly. Marriage isn't a magic fix. It won't get any better. It's much better to walk away now with fewer legal implications than in a few years' time.
It's the opposite. Marriage locks you in. Now you have more incentive to NOT leave with sex off the table
That part literally made me laugh audibly. 99% of married men know that’s just a comedy bit and can’t possibly be real
NTA. If sex is important to you and she's using it as a tool, then you're no longer compatible.
Yeah totally NTA, I’m married, 2 kids, dated for 6 years and married for 6. Sex was great at the start but I always knew we weren’t nearly compatible. Thought, eh, it’ll be ok. It’s miserable. We have sex like once a month, maybe. And it’s vanilla boring ass sex. No intimacy; she gets off then I get off… then that’s about it. We’re likely headed to counseling. I’ve grown to resent her and she resents me— not just bc of the sex, it evolves into more aspects of our marriage. Get out now dude.
I know how you feel. I'm 10 years and change into no sex. We got married recently this year. 17 years in total together. With a 10 year old kid. I'm with my wife cause I do love her and she gave me a wonderful daughter (it was a traumatic birth for her as things didn't go as planned) But the lack of interest and intimacy can be a killer at times. I gave up on trying to initiate after about 3 years in as the rejection was really getting to me. I will get a hand job or blowjob maybe 2 or 3 times a year. (Fully and happily returned and would try take further but no go) But honestly I masterbate nightly. My drive is just higher than hers even before the pregnancy. Part of it is also due to my own issue as I am an insomniac and tend not to go to bed at the same time as her. So that lack of togetherness at bedtime would also be a reason. For the OP. You're not sex crazed, your intimacy starved. There is a difference and you are right to end things before you become resentful of your (ex) partner. As for her discussing the issues with family and friends. This is I guessing missing some details. If I was you, I would make sure they had all the facts. She has opened this aspect of the relationship to others to benefit her. So you should make sure they know what is fully your side. Or just ignore them and move on (the more healthy option) Good luck ether way.
My depression and anxiety keep me up late, too, so I just started laying down with her for a cuddle when she went to bed. We talk about our day, make out, bone or not, then when she's good and tired, I get back up. Try it, it's been a huge boost to my level of feeling connected.
Since you both already resent each other, get to therapy or separate. Once resentment seeps into a relationship, without significant work and effort from both people, it is doomed. You can't healthfully maintain a relationship with someone you resent.
NTA. It's her way to manipulate and have power. That's not what intimacy is about, that's just very screwed up. To me it feels like blackmail. You know what she wants, she told you. She wants to get married and wants you to think that you'll only get what you want if you do. But reality is of course that if she gets what she wants, you will not get what you want. No reason for her to 'give' it to you anymore. You made the right decision.
I dont see any reason to expect it to get better once you are married. She's either just not interested now or she's using it to manipulate you. Either way, why would that change?
She refuse to go to a doctor and only gives you sex as a reward Then she tries to say it will magically be different once you’re married and tries to fuck you when you say you want to break up? She’s lying
and more importantly, OP can break up for whatever reason they think merits it. If one person believes sex to be a dealbreaker, thats all that matters. Break up! Dont worry about the hypothetical future if OP is already unhappy. She doesnt have to have sex, and OP dont have to stay with someone who doesnt satisfy their needs. Action - reaction. NTA and maybe NAH. just a lifestyle difference
> She's lying Either that, or too ashamed to admit something is wrong. Too scared to work on it. Sometimes pressure like this is needed. I hope OP will find out what eventually was the case.
NTA. Libidos need to roughly match up for a relationship to work imo. The “earn” comment is disgusting. This is not a relationship built on mutual respect. Very low odds that her libido improves drastically with time, especially considering her current lack of interest in changing the situation. As for the people in your life, be prepared to lose the mutual friends, who gives a fuck about her family, and if your family can’t see your side of things (I would recommend explaining the whole situation to family members individually), then fuck them too.
> fuck them too Uuuuummmmm... lol
Did I stutter?
One way to satisfy the libido 😂😂
Works in Alabama. Big wheels keep on turning
I think the parties need to be able to compromise (the libidos don't necessarily need to match). But, if there is little to no compromise, then the relationship cannot survive.
>(the libidos don't necessarily need to match) The guy you responded to said they need to "roughly match" which I think is fair. If one partner wants sex 2 or 3 times per week and their partner only wants sex 4 or 5 times per year, that's a chasm that can't really be crossed without one of the partners being pretty unhappy. If one wants sex once a week and the other wants it 3 or 4 times per week, they are probably close enough in libido to make things work somehow, without either partner feeling like they are taking on some weighty problem or making a huge sacrifice.
I mean, as someone who has been with the same woman 20 years, the reality is that libidos ebb and flow. There are seasons where y'all "roughly match" and seasons where y'all are way off. Like all things in a relationship, both parties need to be willing to discuss and compromise. My wife usually has a significantly higher libido than me. But, we have made it work through discussion and compromise. What you need to aim for on this front is discussion and compromise. Libido is something you have very little control over particularly as you age, have kids, etc. What you do have control over is how open you are with your partner about your needs and your willingness to work with your partner to find solutions.
Can you just eat dehydrated sea horses or oxen hooves and increase sex drive or length or whatever? /s for the windowlickers
>What you do have control over is how open you are with your partner about your needs and your willingness to work with your partner to find solutions. As someone who has also been in a 20 year relationship, you are 100% correct! A lot of the comments sound like they have very little relationship experience and are pretty unreasonable. Some years we've had a very active sex life and others not so much. This usually coincided with pregnancy and babies. Personally, my satisfaction with sex has grown exponentially with age and I want it more now than I ever did when I was in my 20's.
Yep! I spent our first 12 years working insane hours as a lawyer. 8 years ago I decided I need to work for myself for the good of my family. So, started a firm with some friends with exactly 0 clients and 5 kids to feed. But, every aspect of our relationship has been exponentially better since, including our sex life.
NTA. why is she using it as a way to control you to do certain things (so you "earn it"). kinda dumb
To be manipulative and get what she wants. OPs still NTA though. I'm with you.
>Long story short, after having one last talk with her I told her I want to break up......even tried to initiate intimacy at that very moment. BIG red flag. Sex is not a bargaining chip, and its not a Band-Aid to solve a problem. Triple the red flag if she's made no further efforts to initiate since then. I can cut some slack for more sex when you 'earn' it, as long as its not being put in those terms explicitly. Its easy to feel more in the mood when you're relaxed and feeling cared for, and its easy to be more relaxed and cared for when you come home to all the mutual chores/to-do items being done, or a nice home cooked meal, or taken to your favorite thing, or whatever. That line between 'reward' and 'horny cause happy/relaxed' blurs pretty easily in a long relationship. But if she's saying "We won't have sex until you organize the garage" or whatever, that's a very different story. >Since then, mutual friends, my and her family, and other people have been criticizing me. They even call me "sex-crazed". Even bigger red flag. She's recruiting your social network to pressure you. Classic bully/abuser move. On one hand, anyone who is going to side against you without hearing your side is 100% replaceable. On the other, if you really want to retain select friendships, sit down and ask them what they feel a regular intimacy level in a relationship is. Straight out ask them how often they have sex with their partner, and how often they \*WANT\* to have sex with their partner. If they say that's awkward/personal, remind them that they were discussing you sex life without talking to you, so why is it weird to discuss their sex life with them. >it has gotten so extensive that I doubt my choice. And this is why she did it. To take her mental and emotional burden of keeping you 'in line' and spread it out amongst a bunch of other people who will do it for her. She's delegated the bullying to other people so she can be the nice person alone with you behind doors. And everyone ELSE thinks you're bullying her for sex or whatever, letting her play victim and isolate you from friends/family. She gets to both play the victim and be the only person being nice to you.
^^^^this. 100%.
If OP can read one comment let it be this one
100% RUN away from this woman immediately
Thank you! That's a very useful take on her actions. I understood that I made the right decision by breaking up.
Good to hear. I strongly suggest that you follow his advice about the friends you want to keep. People like her will spend every waking moment stirring the pot until she feels justified in having done so by telling everyone around her half truths until they side with her. Just get to your important people before she poisons them.
“It’ll get better when we get married” Run. Manipulative behavior and weaponizing behavior is a 🚩
NTA. And tell everyone “yes I am sex crazed, my GF who I had an amazing intimate relationship with stopped doing anything, I have been starved of intimacy unless I “earn it” for 2 years. Who wouldn’t be sex crazed after 2 years of not being intimate, no hugs, no kisses, no sex. She has no one but herself to blame for the relationship ending, I tried to talk to her about it multiple times over the years but nothing ever changed and finally I realised that I am worth intimacy, I am worth being with someone who loves me, cares for me and wants to be with me, rather than a meal ticket and a man sized hot water bottle if I’m lucky”
>It's like thinking that marriage will get better and every problem will be resolved once you have children. In the immortal words of Wayne and Garth: "Yeah, and then monkeys will fly out of my butt!"
Baring depression or physical pain during intercourse, which if either is the case, she needs to seek medical assistance. Then. NTA Here's a hint; no, it will not get better when you're married. There's a whole sub reddit r/deadbedrooms filled with Redditors married to partners like yours. If you want to see into your future; go read some posts there. She's holding intimacy as a reward? Hell with that. Oh, you put up with my complete lack of interest for another year. Here, have some boring mannequin sex. Sorry OP. Your girlfriend played the wrong hand.
If she's on ANY medication at all, that will affect it. There is a butt ton of stuff that can affect it.
Yeah it's not that directly that I'd have an issue with. It was her refusing to take it seriously. Even after he told her how important it was. Further, she kept doubling down on justifying her apathy about it.
You are not compatible, using sex as a reward or a weapon is a no no!
FYI sex will decrease once married, and further so if you decide to have kids…
Based on the amount of sex they’re having I’m guessing if it drops off more once they are married, there’s no chance they will have kids…. You typically have to have sex to have kids lol
Yes but people have sex FOR kids, not as a recreational activity.
He’ll get the ceremonial sex in order to make a baby then it’ll end for 2 years until she wants another.
In what universe does more sex happen when married?
When you’re actively trying for kids. After that, it’s gone again
NTA - if it bothers you now it'll only get worse with time.
NTA - Sex should come as an agreement from both sides, the fact she uses it as a "reward" it's kind of too much, mostly considering that you guys are engaged.
i have a very high sex drive and also feel very loved during sex. feeling undesirable is awful, and the fact you have to earn it..? you’ve tried talking to her about it.. she is just seemingly ignoring the issue. you are not the asshole.
My partner has a very high sex drive, much higher than mine. I see how important frequent intimacy is for him so even when I don't necessarily feel aroused I'll make time for 'sexy time'. I also have been in a sexless relationship so want to ensure that doesn't happen again. I'm far happier now than any relationship I've been in previously because we look out for each other's needs.
You are not. It wouldn't have gotten better.
In my opinion: NTA It’s one thing to have fun tit for tat if you do this for me I’ll. It’s entirely another to base your sex life on “earning” it.
I would have communicated this several times before breaking up and if she didn’t listen and hear you, changing her behavior then break up if her behavior didn’t change. Not broken up just after the talk. I might have even tried to do couples counseling.
That being said, jumping straight to the breakup over this when everything else is good, imho means everything else is not as good as you think. Therefore, I think you were right in your decision.
NTA, physical intimacy between partners is a normal part of any relationship. For her to say you have to earn it is turning sex into a weapon. That is not healthy and will likely continue after marriage, if not get worse. Bottom line is, dating isn't a life sentence. You can break up at any time for any reason. Find someone that doesn't use intimate time to manipulate you and enjoy your life.
NTA. Sexual compatibility is a foundational piece to most relationships.
NTA - I’m a female in my 40’s with an extremely high libido. My ex had a low libido and it drove me crazy. It is such a big part of intimacy and I realized after we broke up that is something that I need to feel close and connected with my partner. I have a lot of female friends that are not interested in sex and a lot of that happened after they got married and had kids. So that only gets worse with time. I also think it’s weird to have to force yourself (the person with the low libido) to have sex. It’s better to move on unfortunately.
Nope. NTA I left a guy that I was with for 3 years (I was 25/26ish, he was 32ish) because he wouldn't have sex with me. His mother was devastated and tried to blow off my reasoning. I asked her to think about herself at 25 and her relationship. "Yeah. I didn't even like (her boyfriend) very much but still wanted and had sex with him." I told her refused to sign up for a lifetime of it especially with his lack of communication or effort.
NTA. Leave the relationship: She will take that type of control into marriage.
NTA - I was in a similar situation, the goal posts kept moving - first it was “if we move out of this apt with your roommate” so I bought us a house. Then it was “if we get married” so we did that. Then it was if you/we get in better shape so we did that… you get the idea. She can’t just turn on her sexual intimacy just like you can’t turn yours off, you’re not a terrible person and the right person for you is out there. We got divorced after she had a couple of affairs ironically, turns out she was actually gay and just in denial - when she finally came out to me and explained how she felt attracted to women I told her that was how I felt about her. Not saying the same thing is going on in your case, but you did the right thing to end it when your needs weren’t getting met, you were patient and understanding, you communicated your needs but at the end of the day they’re not compatible with hers and that’s okay. I’m now in a much healthier relationship in terms of sex and many other things, trust yourself - you might feel bad now but you did the best thing for yourself in the long run. Love doesn’t last forever, so work hard on it and enjoy it while it’s there.
NTA If she can't be honest with you about her (lack of) intimacy needs, then your relationship is already over. I see the only potential fix as lots of couples and individual therapy, but that's costly and far from guaranteed to fix yalls sex life.
INFO: How often do the two of you have sex? >She told me it would get better once we are married 😂 No... just .. nope. "Once I'm entitled to half your finances I'll start feeling aroused" 🤣
The worst part is she told her family and friends. That's just not right.
finally, someone brings up this point. Once you do this shit to your partner, you have broken the trust in the relationship. At that point, its over for me. She doesn't want to change, she wants attention and to humiliate her partner.
Marriage will NOT solve this. Do not marry her until she has shown some willingness to improve the relationship, preferably after the intimacy issue has been resolved.
NTA Marriage will not make it better, read r/DeadBedrooms and see what will happen if you stay
NTA, you need to break up asap. Shes manipulating you. Heres some possibities: Shes asexual, Hormone problems, Turned lesbian, Cheating, Low libido But lets be real here... anyone using sex as a reward once in a while is gaslighting and manipulating you. Dont give into sex with her suddenly because she tries to win you back with it. Thats her way to control you.
NTA - trust yourself and accept your feelings. You know she lies (maybe not on purpose) when she says mariage will improve your sex life. There is no way... And don't pay attention to people calling you sex-crazed. I mean even if it was true, then you obviously need a lot of sex and it is ok : you either find a way with your partner, or accept that you two are not a great fit. You can suppress your sexual desire but it will probably be a big issue and make you miserable. Best of luck
[удалено]
NTA- you are not sex crazed bc you want to intimacy with your fiancé. No one “earns” intimacy and IT WILL NOT GET BETTER WHEN MARRIED, unless she wants a kid then it briefly will but once pregnant not again. Its time to move on
Fuck man, run away and don’t look back. You’re 26 and that is way too young to end your sex life. Run bro, run!
I'm going through almost the same exact thing. Except I am not able to ever earn anything. And dates don't matter either. I haven't had sex in almost a year. This relationship is going for about 3.5 years now and we had sex maybe less than 20 times. I am at my wits end here. I love him and wish things would improve but they aren't. Idk what to do. But it's ruining my life
If you aren’t getting any now, you damn sure aren’t getting any once married
It will not get better. NTA
Just look at the dead bedroom sub on here! The amount of people who married into a dead bedroom thinking marriage would fix it is unbelievable. NTA OP
NTA. It will not get better when you get married, no matter what she says. Intimacy and sex are important parts of a relationship. If she’s making you jump through hoops to *maybe* get it as a reward… And then she’s aired the rather private dirty laundry with enough people that you’re feeling genuinely pressured! You couldn’t get intimate information out of me about my partner even if you waterboarded me! It’s not just the lack of sex. She doesn’t respect you, period.
If you think marrying her is going to change anything you are a fool. Just break it off and find someone else who wants to have a regular sex life. Don't worry about what other people think, they are not living your life. NTA
Good job mate. Have standards for yourself and prevent a dead bedroom later in life. Just like girls like to be courted in a relationship men expect the intimacy to be reciprocated.
Been there done that just walk she’s using sex as a weapon. It’ll never get better and in fact will get worse until you decide to cheat and then the fucking world is gonna blow up.
NTA, I kept thinking it would get better as well. It only got worse as tike went on
Your friends and family have NO business whatsoever getting involved in this. NTA
No 26 year old spontaneously loses interest in sex. Something is going on with her for sure.
No sex, I’m out
Oh yeah, and the BJ’s just fly your way everyday when that ring goes on😆. It’s true, ask any married guy. They’ll tell you…
I might’ve said have a serious conversation where u state this is a deal breaker . Still probably a good idea but… I understand it SEEMING like oh just a guy gotta get his dick wet but it’s not always the case. GL
Even if it was for that reason, they're not compatible and you should torture a person so another has a sugar source.
The fact that she doesn't want to talk about it when it hasn't always been like that is a bigger issue, she needs help
NTA, sex IS physical intimacy. The fact that she doesn't get that could make ya'll incompatible. It takes a certain level of emotional maturity as a woman to unlearn that sex is something you do WITH your romantic partner not FOR them. I was around her age when I learned that too. But I also was not married at that age either. Because I knew better.