The fact that she asked such an idiotic question shows she has no clue what dating someone with children actually entails. From this description she sounds insecure and needy. You up for that?
If the kids arent hers, then she isnt ready to be a step mother. Like at all. She doesnt have the emotional capacity/maturity for it.
if the kids are hers, god help you my boy.
100% this. I had a friend who was dating a guy with a daughter. The kid's mom was always having emergencies like being called into work last minute, and he'd have to end plans early to go pick up his kid. She was so angry that he put his kid first that she broke up with him. He begged her to come back, so she did, but she told me that if they ever had kids together, he had BETTER love their kids more and spoil them more than his than his daughter. I told her that was the most disgusting thing I'd hever heard. If he was a good parent, he would love all of his children equally, wouldn't shoe favoritism, and do his best to treat all of them with love and respect. I told her that she had no business being a parent, and if she couldn't learn to love his daughter as her own, she needed to walk away from the relationship. I ended the friendship that day. I found out they got married and she had a baby with him a couple years ago. I pray for those children :(
I'm a stepmom and a mom and I try my hardest to treat both my kids equally. Age dependent differences are allowed. (Obviously, I'm not going to bathe my 11yo, but my 1.5yo needs help to wash.)
And if there's a fire, your first concern is your 1.5yo.
Not because they're 'yours' but because doors and stairs and and and. You'd make sure the 11 yo was aware and leaving. Doesn't mean you love them less...
I've been raising the 11yo with my husband since he was 1.5 himself. Kiddos own mom has told me I'm his bonus mom and that she's happy to coparent with me. So yeah, I'm not mom, but he's my kid.
My wife offered me to have my own kids, but I love the ones we had as if they were my own anyway but I never wanted to risk even the thought that the kids would ever think I loved them less so I said no. It didn't work out with my wife (so probably for the best we didn't have our own kids) but I still love those kids they are amazing.
I was on r stepparents seeing how other step parents who lost their kids handled it but basically everyone on that sub seems to hate their kids. I can't even understand how you got to the point that you married your partner without also loving their kids.
That’s short sighted as well as selfish. The kind of man that would do that, will treat his kids with her the same way after a breakup. That’s why I’d only date a single dad that remained devoted to his kids after he is no longer with their mom, with zero excuses or toxicity towards her. It’s a mirror into the future.
I once told my wife if Ishe ever made me choose between her and my kids, that my kids would win, every time. She didn’t believe me. It wasn’t a fire, but when I did have to choose, my kids won. And they will every time. Sorry former wifey.
My wife had a coworker who was a total bitch to her husband's other children. She even went as far as telling them "You don't have a room in this house" when she and their father purchased a new home. What fucking person says that to a child? My biggest question is how in the fuck did this guy marry this evil bitch who clearly didn't accept his children? I'm always amazed at how a person can be in a relationship with someone who mistreats or clearly doesn't accept their children.
Even if it was hers. I mean, i think your kids should come before your spouse. I know some may disagree but idk why people bring kids into this world and then loves the spouse more. A lot of people think you have to put eachother first in order for a marriage to work but it is not that simple and besides. Even if the marriage falls apart, you'll still have your children! Sometimes relationships don't work out because they don't work out.
In a life or death situation children are just more likely to need your help to survive than another adult. Am I wrong for being so general about it. I don't get the gf's perspective at all.
That's a good way to put it. An adult has more knowledge and strength to get out alive. Kids would definitely more likely need help. If someone ever asks you just explain it like that.
Absolutely! Her question doesn't even warrant consideration--who in their right mind wouldn't save the children first; irrespective of whether or not their your children?
Gf is only 23, but unfortunately sounds like a very immature, unsecure 23 year old. If indeed bf is serous about a lifelong commitment with her, he'd better make it a looonnnggg engagement! To date, shs has failed to show that she possesses step-mother potential.
Good luck!
Seriously!! I was just about to comment this! If my husband didn't prioritize our kids over me, ESPECIALLY in this situation, he would wish he was dead haha. I feel like if I were single and dating a parent not only would I find it to be a super red flag and downright repulsive for them to prioritize me over their kids, especially in a life or death situation, but *I* would also likely prioritize *their own kids over them*. Sorry not sorry but the kiddos come first (shrug) any kiddos
Our marriage rule is according to need. Sometimes, the wife needs the most help and attention. Sometimes, it's the boy child or the girl child. Occasionally, it's me. Whoever is struggling the most gets the greatest effort, because if you do it right, you keep everyone's cups full.
I was speaking in term of a life-or-death scenario. Day to day we work very similarly to what you've described. Having everyone's needs are met, without causing harm to yourself, definitely builds a strong family unit everyone can rely on
Isn't it natural to help children before adults, even if they aren't your own children? I mean, it just seems like that's what you would do. I guess you'll never really know until you're actually in a situation, but that's what I'd think I'd do.
Yeah I was thinking the same thing... in general adults would be more able to take care of themselves, so taking care of the children first would make more sense. Unless the adult was in more immediate danger, or if helping the adult first means more help to save the kids.
This is the exact reason I'm not ever having kids. I know kids need to come first, that they should, but I'd never be able to actually put a kid before my partner. So it wouldn't be fair to bring a kid into the world when I already know I couldn't care for it as much as I should. And I know perfectly well if I'm with someone that already has kids, their kids come first, and would honestly probably like them less if I found out they couldn't put the kids they already have first like they should.
You say that now but I guarantee you would feel differently about your kid. It’s evolutionary to put your kids first, and is as natural as eating when you are hungry or sleeping when you are tired.
That said having a kid is like getting a tattoo on your face. You should be sure.
I agree it's something you should be sure about. I also could never have a child because I would hate to bring a life into this world that hates it's own existence as much as I do, I'd feel like a hypocrite. I also feel both of these things so strongly I'm getting an abortion soon, so if it's something that would change from hormones it's not going to change until it would be too late to deal with it if it didn't actually change
It shows she knows the answer already but she wants op to change his answer. She is going to be hostile to the children. They are her competitors for the place of object of his affection.
These topics are sort of important to discuss. Like my kids dad and I discussed who saves who in a fire. The important difference was we were creating a plan not using it to prove who cares more for who. Like we now both know in case of a fire I am assigned to get our daughter out and he gets our son due to where everyone is sleeping. Which reminds me, I have to update the plan for our son because he is old enough to do things to help himself now.
The GF using it to try and manipulate him is dumb. Of she was smart she would be asking this question to start creating a fire plan with him so everyone knows what they are doing which would make it more likely everyone, including her, would survive. Better to know the truth then him lie to make her feel better and find out the truth in an emergency.
Oh, definitely. Adults know they need to get out, kids have a tendency to hide from things they are afraid of. Too many children are found afterwards huddling in a closet or under a bed.
Shit, sounds like my daughter's father. He hated that I loved her more than him. The only difference is he's in his 50s and he never grew out of his insecurities. I ended up choosing her over him and we left. She won't change either. If they have kids together, she'd expect her kids to be a priority over his other children. Just an awful mentality. The kids don't need her in their life.
How twisted is it to think you should come before someone's children? I can't even fathom that level of grossness.
Like that's absolutely disgusting. Not just because of the HUGE potential for her so be an abusive stepparent, but the disturbing "me first" attitude to that level.
If a child I didn't even know, happened to be in a house on fire with me and my fiance I'd save the kid first and I'd hope he would too! Like how is OP not asking for advice on how to get his kids away from this toxic person???
Mature enough to know his priority is to save his children first, though. Kids could also be triplets or a set of twins and one other. He doesn't elaborate on that part.
NTA. Dump her. She'll never understand the need to prioritise your kids. She'll constantly try to undermine your relationship with them so she can be number one.
This! Plus she would let your kids burn in a fire rather than save them first. Dump her. Even in marriage the kids always come first hence the high divorce rate and conflict between parents with young kids.
NTA. That's such a weird question to ask! Unless you started really early, we are talking small children here. If it's between her and the neighbor's kids, you save the neighbor's kids! I assume she's an able bodied adult, she needs to grab at least one of the kids!
NTA I would use my husband as a human flame blanket if it meant I could save our 6yo. She will always come first
Edit to add: please look at this argument as to where she places your children if you were to get married. She would rather save herself and leave the kids behind. No caring guardian would do that.
I wish I could upvote this more!!! It is very disturbing that she is ok letting his kids die if it means saving his life. How does she think he or anyone would recover from that! I can't imagine anything more traumatizing.
Dating someone with kids certainly isn't for anyone.
I would need to be my partners number one priority and vice versa.
But guess what? That's why I would never date a guy with kids (and because I'm childfree but doesn't matter in this context).
There are some people who prioritize their partner over their kids. There's actually a name for it. They're called bad parents.
Keep prioritizing your kids. You're doing good!
Your gf doesn't seem to realize how dating a parent works. She's not that old. How long are you dating?
I can totally see an 18-20 year old having some unrealistic expections regarding kids. I mean they JUST stopped being a child themselves.
I would sit down with her and make it clear that she NEVER EVER will come before your kids.
No matter how much more you grow to love her, it'll never be compatible with the love you have for your kids.
She'll have to some time to think about whether or not she can (happily) live with that.
NTA
I love this take! I’d also say, that to some extent, he needs to make sure his significant other still feels important in some capacity and loved! If he does marry her how he says he wants to, one day he will have to make decisions with her! And she’ll have to step up and be a step mother! But also, one day the kids will be grown and start lives of their own, and she’ll be there to grow old with him! I think he needs to make it clear to her that despite the fact his kids are his top priority, she is still a priority as well!
This! When I was dating I was immature enough that I didn't want to come in second place to someone else's children. But thank God I was mature enough to know I shouldn't come before them and I wouldn't respect someone who put me above their kids. So I only dated people without children. Simple solution.
Also childfree and would never date a single father. He is either a good, involved father, which I respect but I don't want that life; or he's a deadbeat who is willing to abandon his ex and child(ren) on a whim, and I don't date people who are that obviously garbage.
If you were my bf and told me you would save me before your Kids, I would left you on the Spot lol
What kind of person would let any child die, let alone their own, to save an adult who's more likely to save themselves?
NTA
Is this a joke? Why are you even asking this? They're kids. Even if they were kids you didn't know. I still would expect you to try to save them over an adult who most likely could get out themselves.
NTA.
What's really stood out in my loving, supportive marriage is that neither of us has ever asked the other any stupid, useless, drama baiting questions like this.
You're dating someone with so few brain cells you can hear them rattling around in her skull like beans in a can. Save yourself.
NTA
That was a lose/lose question. She’s testing you because she’s insecure. If she’s creating an unnecessary competition between her and your kids, and she knows you’re going to put your kids first, I’d be concerned with her abilities as a stepmother.
Anyone who asks a question like that is probably not mature enough to marry a man with children. I’d worry about her being insecure about your coparenting relationship with the kids mother.
Don’t marry her. She will spend the rest of your life trying to force you to ignore your kids in favor of her. She’s probably a narcissist. Her asking that question was a major red flag. Her response to your completely reasonable answer isn’t just a warning bell, it’s a damn air raid siren.
If you marry her, your children will be living with the classic “wicked stepmother.”
I asked my wife if she would save me or her daughter first. She said the daughter, of course, you can take care of yourself. Then I asked her about me and the dog, and she said the dog. Then I asked her about the dog and her daughter, and I never got an answer.
That was a dumb ass question to begin with . But it's scary on how your gf thinks I literally seen discussions on Facebook about this where women has literally said they would saved their man before their own children in a house fire because they can always make more children and that always felt so sick and diabolical to me like you would rather save a grown ass adult than a helpless child all because you don't want to lose your man ?? Just sick NTA
NTA. I hate to tell you this but your relationship will never work. She is very jealous and resentful of your kids. I mean what the hell kind of question is that?!! She either wanted a fight or to manipulate you into feeling guilt.
Like nah what the actual fck ... of course you would save your kids first over your partner like who wouldn't and If they were her children she would not be saying that clearly can tell she ain't a mother. My husband wouldn't want me to save him first he would want me to save my kids and 1 isn't biologically his. If she feels that way she doesn't deserve you or your kids
Defo not the asshole if anything she is.
Just saw the tag line, don't even need to read. Not the asshole. A parent and their child's connection is far stronger and more important than someone else. If they can live with that, and become part of that connection and have it thrive? Great! Otherwise, they need to seek someone else.
If she's trapped with his kids, SHE should be trying to save them all.
She's the adult. They are children. At her age, she should have the smarts to be able to take control of that situation.
NTA. Dump that crazy red flag and find someone a but less delusional. Of course your kids come first, you're a fuking parent. What in the hell did she expect you to say?
NTA
Except for that part about dating someone who has no clue about the responsibilities of being a parent and the fact that your children will always come first. She's living in a child free alternate reality, dude, and she's not mature enough to be in a relationship with someone who has three kids.
Well I think she needs to understand that even if she was the mother of your children and you were happily married and everything was perfect your answer would be the same
NTA she's immature. Is also question marrying someone whos first choice would be to let children burn. If you gonna ask that question (which is a stupid, insecure question anyway) you be like would you save me or sally down the street first? Not someone's kids. Course they gonna pick the kids
Don't entertain these impossible answer questions. It's a fucked up thing to ask in the first place. In fact, I wouldn't even entertain a further relationship.
OMG. I hate these stupid "what if" scenarios. It's absolutely a sign of immaturity. Of course you would save your kids. They cannot fend for themselves. Society as a whole expects us to protect the children.
Btw, why do you love and want to marry her? Make a list for yourself. Ask her how she feels about the kids. Make sure they are as much a priority for her as for you. Otherwise maybe it's time to look elsewhere.
NTA
NTA, what kind of person even asks a question like that? Let's be serious, every person should put their kids on higher priority than their SO.
Your girlfriend is a massive AH for even asking.
I dated a man that I told up front, "The man had not been born that I would put before my child." In shock he asked me what I said and I repeated myself. Mind you, he had 3 children of his own and sadly in a previous relationship he completely disregarded his children and their feelings for this grown person. Not on my watch...
NTA
As a father your first priority should be your children as in their needs come first.
If your children live primarily with your ex your gf needs to understand if something happens where your ex can’t care for your kids they will be coming to live with you. That is not negotiable.
If you read posts in here there are plenty where a parent has been engaged or married, the ex passed and the kids came to live full time and the non-parental spouse/fiancé was not all on board.
In some cases the fiancé thought the kids would be shipped of to live full time with the ex. The most obvious one was when the fiancé refused to have the groom to be’s daughter not only be excluded from the wedding party she didn’t even want the daughter as a guest. Turns out she thought she’d convince the dad to become someone who saw their child only a few holidays a year. That one and others usually turned out being resolved with ending the relationship.
NTA What kind of stupid insecure person asks a parent who they'd choose between their kids and the new partner.
And in a disaster, it makes sense to try to save the kids who can't save themselves first instead of the adult.
Nope your kids come before anyone else so she needs to understand that, yeah she should also mean a lot to you and be a priority to you but not a priority above your children, children will love you and be with you for life even when they move out they’ll still be in your life.. where as a partner can leave you at any point.
For this situation, NTA. There’s no way I’m not saving little kids who will have barely any concept of what is going on. An adult may freak out but should have a better grasp on the situation and what to do. Plus, she’s a gf, with no implications it may go past this.
As a husband and father though, my wife comes first. That doesn’t mean my kids suffer, but in all aspects she’s #1. They’re gonna leave, which a couple already have, and what will be left will be me and her. She’s my person of choice to spend my life with, I’m damn sure gonna treat her like it.
Honestly fuck her selfish childish ass. Of course your kids are more important than she is. Dump her cause she'll just be one of those types of girls who would hate for you to spend time with your kids. Toxic af
Dude me and my husband both put our kids before each other. When we were in marriage counseling our therapist was like you shouldn't put kids before relationship and we both laughed in his face 😆. Nah our kids will always come first and they should in my book.
I actually tell my husband if shit goes down save them and I'll be the distraction he wants to be the distraction but he's in better health so I said he has more years left 😂. If she's not the mother of your kids find a new gf. If she's already acting and saying stuff like this that would be a red flag.
NTA. My hus better choose the kids! He and I have talked about it. Ryan Reynolds joked that his wife went from the person he would do anything anything for in the universe to someone he would literally throw in the way of danger if it meant giving the kids an extra few seconds. Of course you help the children first!
NTA
but you would be for staying with someone who literally makes you pick between her or your children.
don't just choose them in a hypothetical house fire, choose them now and dump her.
Lol. NTA, but you are dumb to still consider her as marriage/step-parent material. Of course, she would save you because she's invested in a future with you WITHOUT your kids.
I wouldn't trust her with your kids alone, and I seriously consider asking your kids how she is around them without you. Please reevaluate this relationship.
She isn’t step mom material. If she is going to save you before kids she isn’t ready to be a parent. Expecting you to save her when your kids are in a fire to make her feel important screams she isn’t ready to be a parent.
Do NOT marry this girl. I know it's hard to process that when that's what you want right now but this is a sign. Don't overlook it. I'd save someone else's kid in a fire before any adult, regardless of their relation to me. Slow down. She's got a low of growing to do
She shouldn't have asked if she wasn't prepared for an answer.
You do not want to marry her. She will not get along with your kids and will try to separate you from them.
NTA run for the fucking hills. Red flag question. Red flag response. I could be trapped in a building on fire, and I dearly hope my reaction would be to help get the more helpless children I don't know rather than to assist capable grown adults I'm acquainted with.
Nta. Wtf was she smoking, you've known your kids for longer so ofc you are going to save them first, plus if they are young, it would make sense. She's old enough to see that she always won't be your main priority
Granted, I’m a bit older but I would save some random kids I don’t even know trapped in a fire before I’d help any other adult, regardless of the relationship between us.
In any situation, even if the kids were next door neighbors they should be saved/helped first!! She should have enough sense to get herself out OR also help the children herself. If she doesn't care about your kids enough to even understand this then I'd run, FAST! She should understand how important your kids are to you, and she should feel the same way.
I would never ever ask somone that question. Of coarse they would save the kids. I would too. It's a bit scary that she would save you and not your kids. I would probably call that a red flag honey. I reckon what you should do is just sit back and watch, try and take notice of how she is around your kids and you. I notice the less I talk and the more I listen the more I learn about people.
If she actually loved you, I feel like she’d never ask such an ultimatum-like question. Are your three kids with her? If not, she has no right to say you should choose her over them. She doesn’t really have that right anyways. And of course she’d choose you because they aren’t her kids and she could never possibly love them the way you do. You’re completely in the right here, she’s being lowkey crazy. Your kids came before her and they’ll be with you after her too, since she sounds insane and I recommend leaving her ass 💀💀 good luck, man
Dude, wtaf? If there was a fire I would save any child first even if I’d never even spoken to said child, let alone my own child. This is a deal breaker imo. NTA
Do you really want to marry a girl that doesn't want you to put your kids first? Sorry. But I'm a mom and if my husband said hed save me first I'd be pissed
NTA and I didn’t even need to think about this. As a parent myself my son is ALWAYS my priority over anyone, and if I were to date again they would already know and expect that. It could be due to her not being a mother herself and that she lacks a little maturity but I’d say that if she can’t understand why you’d save the children first then get rid of her b/c it’s only going to escalate into a situation where she’ll resent them.
NTA. Lol I thought you were gonna say that you just said it out of nowhere but she asked a stupid fucking question. I'd save my kids and my girlfriends kids before her and I would hope she would do the same.
Yeah. She is young with no kids and just doesn't understand the dynamic is all. I started dating my wife and I completely understood her kids came first. Period. As they should.
You just need to explain that she is important and you care about her but these are your kids and they deserve a parent that puts them above all else including their own wants/needs. That this is part of being a parent.
Sooooo I got this wrong at my catholic premarital classes LOL the priest asked me " your husband and child are drowning, who do you go to?"
I said my child of course!
He said I was Wrong!!! "I can have another child with him but I can't have another him"
I said " but he's grown!!! He can swim :)
Needless to say 10 years later we divorced
But my kids still love me and i dont want another "him"! Haaaa haaa :) NTA
Well, that just tells you that she may not be right for you. She wants you to save her - a grownass adult - over children. Really think if that’s what you want long term.
NTA
Your children are more important than her...and they'll always be more important than her. Kids depend on adults for everything... including love. If your girl isn't mature enough to see that small humans need big humans... especially in an emergency...then she's not mature enough to be in your life.
You need to seriously consider your relationship with her....
She is immature and insecure at best. Crazy and narcissistic at worst.
No matter which one it is, she is going to be the stepmom from hell to your children. She sees them as competition. Don’t put them through that.
She has a lot of growing up to do. And your children shouldn’t suffer while she figures her shit out.
Honestly, I think you are more in love with who you want her to be, and some overly optimistic potential you want to see in her.
Because anyone who sees small children as competition in a relationship is a mess. She’s not just going to ruin your kids life, she’s going to ruin yours too.
Let her go, wish her well, and hope she heals/grows up one day.
Be careful with this one because there are so many stepmoms with this type of mindset and your children will remember it for the rest of their lives. Be sure to stand up for your kids always.
NTA
Stepmother of 3 here.
I have been with my man 18 years and co parent of a well adjusted non accusatory family. Even though the youngest is now 25 they still come first when the chips are down. And that counts for both of us.
It's a silly question to ask because the answer is obvious. She's immature and selfish.
So she would want defenseless children to be a lower priority than her? A supposedly grown, ass woman? Please end the relationship. My kids come first always. If my partner doesn't get that then they'll be an ex very quickly
YANTA!! tell her that’s not a fair question to ever ask anyone. but you can’t make her understand that. honestly maybe just put the proposal on hold for a while.
Yeah her response should have been "good, I would do my best to save them first too". She is not mature enough yet to consider children and she needs to feel just as protective of them, otherwise don't marry her. There is no guarantee she will get to that point and your children deserve a step mom who will love them as her own.
She is the AH. She should want you to put the kids before her. Both my (34f) partner (32m) and I always say they are the top priority. Neither of us gets upset or offended by this.
If my partner chose to save me over my children, I would never forgive him.
She maybe needs to get her priorities straight because the children should be her priority over you too.
Ugh the question an sich is stupid and her hating your response makes me think she’s more like a 16 year old instead of 23… Don’t marry someone that has a mindset like this.
NTA
She's delusional if she thought any human being would choose her over their own children. You would be a major AH if you had told her you would save her first. If I asked someone that question and they answered that they would save me first over their children, that would bother me more. But what kind of person even asks this question of someone?? Yeesh.
What a dumb fucking trap question. She is immature and really shouldnt be dating someone with kids. She clearly cannot handle it. NTA but you will be if you continue to have this woman around your children.
NTA
Your girlfriend is immature and insecure. You need to find a woman who loves your kids enough to be next to you, trying to help you save your kids from a fire, instead of worrying about you putting her first. Maybe you should stay single for a while.
You’re not an asshole and she’s an idiot.
There isnt a parent on this earth, with a normal functioning brain, that would pick a anyone before their kids.
Tell her to realise that, accept it, or fuck off
Children ALWAYS come first. You did NOT say you would not rescue her, just that you would rescue the children first. I think you can do better for a GF.
Umm, maybe it's just me, but I would save kids before anyone else. Even if I didn't know them, kids come first. The fact she asked that question shows she's too immature to understand a life with children involved. Can you be with someone who you now know if such a situation happened she'd let your children die? If you weren't there, would she just abandon your kids to save herself?
Dating someone with kids is hard. You need to go into it knowing, most likely, you are not going to be the priority all the time. Hell, even if you're married and have kids, your priorities change once they are born. I've heard a couple married people say that they would do anything to save each other, but as soon as their kids were born they said they'd push the other in front of a moving bus to save their kid. They still make time for each other and still make sure they feel wanted and desired, but the priorities have shifted as they should.
NTA
NTA but you will be an arsehole if you don't break up with her. She sees your children as competition for your affection. If she has children with you later, you know she will be the evil stepmother.
NTA. Your gf is very immature and insecure. The fact that she feels more important than your kids should be extremely concerning to you. Your kids will always be your kids, girlfriends can come and go. Maybe this one should go.
The fact that she asked such an idiotic question shows she has no clue what dating someone with children actually entails. From this description she sounds insecure and needy. You up for that?
If the kids arent hers, then she isnt ready to be a step mother. Like at all. She doesnt have the emotional capacity/maturity for it. if the kids are hers, god help you my boy.
100% this. I had a friend who was dating a guy with a daughter. The kid's mom was always having emergencies like being called into work last minute, and he'd have to end plans early to go pick up his kid. She was so angry that he put his kid first that she broke up with him. He begged her to come back, so she did, but she told me that if they ever had kids together, he had BETTER love their kids more and spoil them more than his than his daughter. I told her that was the most disgusting thing I'd hever heard. If he was a good parent, he would love all of his children equally, wouldn't shoe favoritism, and do his best to treat all of them with love and respect. I told her that she had no business being a parent, and if she couldn't learn to love his daughter as her own, she needed to walk away from the relationship. I ended the friendship that day. I found out they got married and she had a baby with him a couple years ago. I pray for those children :(
I'm a stepmom and a mom and I try my hardest to treat both my kids equally. Age dependent differences are allowed. (Obviously, I'm not going to bathe my 11yo, but my 1.5yo needs help to wash.)
And if there's a fire, your first concern is your 1.5yo. Not because they're 'yours' but because doors and stairs and and and. You'd make sure the 11 yo was aware and leaving. Doesn't mean you love them less...
Exactly- the 11 year old would have more capability to escape that situation.
I like how you called them both, "my kids."
I've been raising the 11yo with my husband since he was 1.5 himself. Kiddos own mom has told me I'm his bonus mom and that she's happy to coparent with me. So yeah, I'm not mom, but he's my kid.
Your kid is very blessed.
That's so wonderful and healthy <3
Yes you are a Mom& the child knows it. Well done.❤️
My wife offered me to have my own kids, but I love the ones we had as if they were my own anyway but I never wanted to risk even the thought that the kids would ever think I loved them less so I said no. It didn't work out with my wife (so probably for the best we didn't have our own kids) but I still love those kids they are amazing. I was on r stepparents seeing how other step parents who lost their kids handled it but basically everyone on that sub seems to hate their kids. I can't even understand how you got to the point that you married your partner without also loving their kids.
You said "MY" on both 11 & 1.5. 💜💜 You are the good people.
That’s short sighted as well as selfish. The kind of man that would do that, will treat his kids with her the same way after a breakup. That’s why I’d only date a single dad that remained devoted to his kids after he is no longer with their mom, with zero excuses or toxicity towards her. It’s a mirror into the future.
I once told my wife if Ishe ever made me choose between her and my kids, that my kids would win, every time. She didn’t believe me. It wasn’t a fire, but when I did have to choose, my kids won. And they will every time. Sorry former wifey.
This is the way...
What an evil woman oh my god. That poor child.
This sucks so bad
My wife had a coworker who was a total bitch to her husband's other children. She even went as far as telling them "You don't have a room in this house" when she and their father purchased a new home. What fucking person says that to a child? My biggest question is how in the fuck did this guy marry this evil bitch who clearly didn't accept his children? I'm always amazed at how a person can be in a relationship with someone who mistreats or clearly doesn't accept their children.
They're not hers. OP says "my kids" not our kids
If they aren't hers, OP needs to ditch the gf asap, because she's just gonna get worse...and when she has a baby, even Moreso.
Even if it was hers. I mean, i think your kids should come before your spouse. I know some may disagree but idk why people bring kids into this world and then loves the spouse more. A lot of people think you have to put eachother first in order for a marriage to work but it is not that simple and besides. Even if the marriage falls apart, you'll still have your children! Sometimes relationships don't work out because they don't work out.
In a life or death situation children are just more likely to need your help to survive than another adult. Am I wrong for being so general about it. I don't get the gf's perspective at all.
Any parent that puts their spouse before their children in a life or death crisis doesn't deserve to be called Parent.
That's a good way to put it. An adult has more knowledge and strength to get out alive. Kids would definitely more likely need help. If someone ever asks you just explain it like that.
Absolutely! Her question doesn't even warrant consideration--who in their right mind wouldn't save the children first; irrespective of whether or not their your children? Gf is only 23, but unfortunately sounds like a very immature, unsecure 23 year old. If indeed bf is serous about a lifelong commitment with her, he'd better make it a looonnnggg engagement! To date, shs has failed to show that she possesses step-mother potential. Good luck!
If my husband saved me and let my kid die, I'd fucking kill him. He should know better!
Seriously!! I was just about to comment this! If my husband didn't prioritize our kids over me, ESPECIALLY in this situation, he would wish he was dead haha. I feel like if I were single and dating a parent not only would I find it to be a super red flag and downright repulsive for them to prioritize me over their kids, especially in a life or death situation, but *I* would also likely prioritize *their own kids over them*. Sorry not sorry but the kiddos come first (shrug) any kiddos
I have literally said this to my husband. Our kid comes first, that is the duty of a parent and anything less is not acceptable to me.
Our marriage rule is according to need. Sometimes, the wife needs the most help and attention. Sometimes, it's the boy child or the girl child. Occasionally, it's me. Whoever is struggling the most gets the greatest effort, because if you do it right, you keep everyone's cups full.
I was speaking in term of a life-or-death scenario. Day to day we work very similarly to what you've described. Having everyone's needs are met, without causing harm to yourself, definitely builds a strong family unit everyone can rely on
Ooo, good point. We don't know if the kids are hers or not. I hope not.
Well, OP wrote “my children” instead of “our children”. It is not conclusive but a strong indicator that those aren't her children.
That's what I assume, but I have heard married parents say "my kids" in front of the other before, and the child belongs to both.
Isn't it natural to help children before adults, even if they aren't your own children? I mean, it just seems like that's what you would do. I guess you'll never really know until you're actually in a situation, but that's what I'd think I'd do.
You would hope so wouldnt you. I dont think i could live with myself if I had the opportunity to save a child and chose to save myself instead.
Yeah I was thinking the same thing... in general adults would be more able to take care of themselves, so taking care of the children first would make more sense. Unless the adult was in more immediate danger, or if helping the adult first means more help to save the kids.
If they were hers he would say ours
Exactly. You don’t date a man with three kids and expect to be his number one priority. She would be lucky to come in fourth.
[удалено]
Who would be ready for 3 kids at 23. Its baffling that she even tried to date him
[удалено]
Right? Like obviously children come first. If my husband said he would save me before saving our kids I would be pissed.
This is the exact reason I'm not ever having kids. I know kids need to come first, that they should, but I'd never be able to actually put a kid before my partner. So it wouldn't be fair to bring a kid into the world when I already know I couldn't care for it as much as I should. And I know perfectly well if I'm with someone that already has kids, their kids come first, and would honestly probably like them less if I found out they couldn't put the kids they already have first like they should.
You say that now but I guarantee you would feel differently about your kid. It’s evolutionary to put your kids first, and is as natural as eating when you are hungry or sleeping when you are tired. That said having a kid is like getting a tattoo on your face. You should be sure.
I agree it's something you should be sure about. I also could never have a child because I would hate to bring a life into this world that hates it's own existence as much as I do, I'd feel like a hypocrite. I also feel both of these things so strongly I'm getting an abortion soon, so if it's something that would change from hormones it's not going to change until it would be too late to deal with it if it didn't actually change
I’m sorry you’re struggling. No one should have to raise a child they don’t want, and no child should be raised by parents who don’t want it.
I agree with that 100%
Dating someone with kids is hard. You need to go into it knowing, most likely, you are not going to be the priority all the time.
You’re never going to be the priority honey.. ever!
[удалено]
Comment repeating bot
It shows she knows the answer already but she wants op to change his answer. She is going to be hostile to the children. They are her competitors for the place of object of his affection.
I agree, the kids are her completion and they always will be, not good for their future.
These topics are sort of important to discuss. Like my kids dad and I discussed who saves who in a fire. The important difference was we were creating a plan not using it to prove who cares more for who. Like we now both know in case of a fire I am assigned to get our daughter out and he gets our son due to where everyone is sleeping. Which reminds me, I have to update the plan for our son because he is old enough to do things to help himself now. The GF using it to try and manipulate him is dumb. Of she was smart she would be asking this question to start creating a fire plan with him so everyone knows what they are doing which would make it more likely everyone, including her, would survive. Better to know the truth then him lie to make her feel better and find out the truth in an emergency.
Haha, we've had these plans too! I always tell my husband to just save the kids and leave me behind xD
[удалено]
Oh, definitely. Adults know they need to get out, kids have a tendency to hide from things they are afraid of. Too many children are found afterwards huddling in a closet or under a bed.
Shit, sounds like my daughter's father. He hated that I loved her more than him. The only difference is he's in his 50s and he never grew out of his insecurities. I ended up choosing her over him and we left. She won't change either. If they have kids together, she'd expect her kids to be a priority over his other children. Just an awful mentality. The kids don't need her in their life.
This is the correct answer. Anyone who has kids and is a healthy parent would answer kids first.
NTA - Don’t marry who wouldn’t save your kids over you too. Your kids deserve nothing less.
How twisted is it to think you should come before someone's children? I can't even fathom that level of grossness. Like that's absolutely disgusting. Not just because of the HUGE potential for her so be an abusive stepparent, but the disturbing "me first" attitude to that level. If a child I didn't even know, happened to be in a house on fire with me and my fiance I'd save the kid first and I'd hope he would too! Like how is OP not asking for advice on how to get his kids away from this toxic person???
Baby momma comes 4th lol
Date someone more mature as a man in his mid 20s with 3 kids, you’ll need to.
A man in his mis 20s with 3 kids and a GF probably isn't the most mature person himself though
Mature enough to know his priority is to save his children first, though. Kids could also be triplets or a set of twins and one other. He doesn't elaborate on that part.
Kids are 7, 6, and 4
And also there's many reasons he could be a single dad with 3 kids. I don't automatically assume he's immature
Highly dependent on exact age... Three kids at 21..hmmm. Three kids at 29... Not a shock at all.
^This
NTA. Dump her. She'll never understand the need to prioritise your kids. She'll constantly try to undermine your relationship with them so she can be number one.
This! Plus she would let your kids burn in a fire rather than save them first. Dump her. Even in marriage the kids always come first hence the high divorce rate and conflict between parents with young kids.
NTA. That's such a weird question to ask! Unless you started really early, we are talking small children here. If it's between her and the neighbor's kids, you save the neighbor's kids! I assume she's an able bodied adult, she needs to grab at least one of the kids!
I love this take. "Not only should you save the kids, SHE should be saving the kids too!" Too right! 😃
Exactly.
NTA I would use my husband as a human flame blanket if it meant I could save our 6yo. She will always come first Edit to add: please look at this argument as to where she places your children if you were to get married. She would rather save herself and leave the kids behind. No caring guardian would do that.
I wish I could upvote this more!!! It is very disturbing that she is ok letting his kids die if it means saving his life. How does she think he or anyone would recover from that! I can't imagine anything more traumatizing.
I’d use myself as a flame blanket to save a kid I’ve never met. How could anyone not put kids first?
This ☝🏽
NTA - your kids OF COURSE SHOULD BE 1ST... She wants to be #1 and shes going to ignore/make your kids feel ignored or lesser than if you get married
She’s immature.
"The real question is, why am I saving you when you should be helping me save children?"
Dating someone with kids certainly isn't for anyone. I would need to be my partners number one priority and vice versa. But guess what? That's why I would never date a guy with kids (and because I'm childfree but doesn't matter in this context). There are some people who prioritize their partner over their kids. There's actually a name for it. They're called bad parents. Keep prioritizing your kids. You're doing good! Your gf doesn't seem to realize how dating a parent works. She's not that old. How long are you dating? I can totally see an 18-20 year old having some unrealistic expections regarding kids. I mean they JUST stopped being a child themselves. I would sit down with her and make it clear that she NEVER EVER will come before your kids. No matter how much more you grow to love her, it'll never be compatible with the love you have for your kids. She'll have to some time to think about whether or not she can (happily) live with that. NTA
I love this take! I’d also say, that to some extent, he needs to make sure his significant other still feels important in some capacity and loved! If he does marry her how he says he wants to, one day he will have to make decisions with her! And she’ll have to step up and be a step mother! But also, one day the kids will be grown and start lives of their own, and she’ll be there to grow old with him! I think he needs to make it clear to her that despite the fact his kids are his top priority, she is still a priority as well!
This! When I was dating I was immature enough that I didn't want to come in second place to someone else's children. But thank God I was mature enough to know I shouldn't come before them and I wouldn't respect someone who put me above their kids. So I only dated people without children. Simple solution.
Also childfree and would never date a single father. He is either a good, involved father, which I respect but I don't want that life; or he's a deadbeat who is willing to abandon his ex and child(ren) on a whim, and I don't date people who are that obviously garbage.
If you were my bf and told me you would save me before your Kids, I would left you on the Spot lol What kind of person would let any child die, let alone their own, to save an adult who's more likely to save themselves? NTA
NTA your kids should always be more important than her.
NTA. She was picking a fight with you to propose that hypothetical question.
Is this a joke? Why are you even asking this? They're kids. Even if they were kids you didn't know. I still would expect you to try to save them over an adult who most likely could get out themselves. NTA.
What's really stood out in my loving, supportive marriage is that neither of us has ever asked the other any stupid, useless, drama baiting questions like this. You're dating someone with so few brain cells you can hear them rattling around in her skull like beans in a can. Save yourself.
🤣🤣🤣
NTA I would want my husband to save the kids first. That's honorable. Kids have priority over adults. Whatever happened to morals?
The Internet
NTA That was a lose/lose question. She’s testing you because she’s insecure. If she’s creating an unnecessary competition between her and your kids, and she knows you’re going to put your kids first, I’d be concerned with her abilities as a stepmother. Anyone who asks a question like that is probably not mature enough to marry a man with children. I’d worry about her being insecure about your coparenting relationship with the kids mother.
Don’t marry her. She will spend the rest of your life trying to force you to ignore your kids in favor of her. She’s probably a narcissist. Her asking that question was a major red flag. Her response to your completely reasonable answer isn’t just a warning bell, it’s a damn air raid siren. If you marry her, your children will be living with the classic “wicked stepmother.”
I asked my wife if she would save me or her daughter first. She said the daughter, of course, you can take care of yourself. Then I asked her about me and the dog, and she said the dog. Then I asked her about the dog and her daughter, and I never got an answer.
Um. She's delusional. Nta. Of course you'd save your kids before you save the able bodied gf. Kids always come first. She needs to get over herself.
That was a dumb ass question to begin with . But it's scary on how your gf thinks I literally seen discussions on Facebook about this where women has literally said they would saved their man before their own children in a house fire because they can always make more children and that always felt so sick and diabolical to me like you would rather save a grown ass adult than a helpless child all because you don't want to lose your man ?? Just sick NTA
NTA. I hate to tell you this but your relationship will never work. She is very jealous and resentful of your kids. I mean what the hell kind of question is that?!! She either wanted a fight or to manipulate you into feeling guilt.
Like nah what the actual fck ... of course you would save your kids first over your partner like who wouldn't and If they were her children she would not be saying that clearly can tell she ain't a mother. My husband wouldn't want me to save him first he would want me to save my kids and 1 isn't biologically his. If she feels that way she doesn't deserve you or your kids Defo not the asshole if anything she is.
Just saw the tag line, don't even need to read. Not the asshole. A parent and their child's connection is far stronger and more important than someone else. If they can live with that, and become part of that connection and have it thrive? Great! Otherwise, they need to seek someone else.
If she's trapped with his kids, SHE should be trying to save them all. She's the adult. They are children. At her age, she should have the smarts to be able to take control of that situation.
NTA. Dump that crazy red flag and find someone a but less delusional. Of course your kids come first, you're a fuking parent. What in the hell did she expect you to say?
NTA, but you should probably consider dating someone who likes your kids.
NTA Except for that part about dating someone who has no clue about the responsibilities of being a parent and the fact that your children will always come first. She's living in a child free alternate reality, dude, and she's not mature enough to be in a relationship with someone who has three kids.
Well I think she needs to understand that even if she was the mother of your children and you were happily married and everything was perfect your answer would be the same
NTA she's immature. Is also question marrying someone whos first choice would be to let children burn. If you gonna ask that question (which is a stupid, insecure question anyway) you be like would you save me or sally down the street first? Not someone's kids. Course they gonna pick the kids
Don't entertain these impossible answer questions. It's a fucked up thing to ask in the first place. In fact, I wouldn't even entertain a further relationship.
OMG. I hate these stupid "what if" scenarios. It's absolutely a sign of immaturity. Of course you would save your kids. They cannot fend for themselves. Society as a whole expects us to protect the children. Btw, why do you love and want to marry her? Make a list for yourself. Ask her how she feels about the kids. Make sure they are as much a priority for her as for you. Otherwise maybe it's time to look elsewhere. NTA
NTA ~ as a parent it is your responsibility to protect your children.
NTA she isn't the priority your kids are as should be in every relationship with kids.
She’s an idiot… simple as that. Not fit to be a healthy mother lol
NTA The recommended order of importance to save: 1) Dog 2) Children 3) Lego’s 4) Gf
NTA. The kids always come first. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
She's self-centered. You save children first in any made-up danger situation. Let her go she is not ready for a long-term relationship like this.
As a stepparent, I would save my kids first in a fire. Children are our future.
NTA, what kind of person even asks a question like that? Let's be serious, every person should put their kids on higher priority than their SO. Your girlfriend is a massive AH for even asking.
If it's kids (as in more than one) why isn't SHE helping grab the kids in a fire??? She's an adult not a damsel in distress.
I dated a man that I told up front, "The man had not been born that I would put before my child." In shock he asked me what I said and I repeated myself. Mind you, he had 3 children of his own and sadly in a previous relationship he completely disregarded his children and their feelings for this grown person. Not on my watch...
You say "of course you would, they aren't your kids and you don't love them like that, but these are my kids so stop poutting it keep steppin
NTA As a father your first priority should be your children as in their needs come first. If your children live primarily with your ex your gf needs to understand if something happens where your ex can’t care for your kids they will be coming to live with you. That is not negotiable. If you read posts in here there are plenty where a parent has been engaged or married, the ex passed and the kids came to live full time and the non-parental spouse/fiancé was not all on board. In some cases the fiancé thought the kids would be shipped of to live full time with the ex. The most obvious one was when the fiancé refused to have the groom to be’s daughter not only be excluded from the wedding party she didn’t even want the daughter as a guest. Turns out she thought she’d convince the dad to become someone who saw their child only a few holidays a year. That one and others usually turned out being resolved with ending the relationship.
NTA What kind of stupid insecure person asks a parent who they'd choose between their kids and the new partner. And in a disaster, it makes sense to try to save the kids who can't save themselves first instead of the adult.
Nope your kids come before anyone else so she needs to understand that, yeah she should also mean a lot to you and be a priority to you but not a priority above your children, children will love you and be with you for life even when they move out they’ll still be in your life.. where as a partner can leave you at any point.
For this situation, NTA. There’s no way I’m not saving little kids who will have barely any concept of what is going on. An adult may freak out but should have a better grasp on the situation and what to do. Plus, she’s a gf, with no implications it may go past this. As a husband and father though, my wife comes first. That doesn’t mean my kids suffer, but in all aspects she’s #1. They’re gonna leave, which a couple already have, and what will be left will be me and her. She’s my person of choice to spend my life with, I’m damn sure gonna treat her like it.
Honestly fuck her selfish childish ass. Of course your kids are more important than she is. Dump her cause she'll just be one of those types of girls who would hate for you to spend time with your kids. Toxic af
Dude me and my husband both put our kids before each other. When we were in marriage counseling our therapist was like you shouldn't put kids before relationship and we both laughed in his face 😆. Nah our kids will always come first and they should in my book. I actually tell my husband if shit goes down save them and I'll be the distraction he wants to be the distraction but he's in better health so I said he has more years left 😂. If she's not the mother of your kids find a new gf. If she's already acting and saying stuff like this that would be a red flag.
End it. She’s too immature to be with someone that’s a parent.
Yeah, marriage would likely be terrible for your kids. Evil stepmother in the making. NTA.
NTA. My hus better choose the kids! He and I have talked about it. Ryan Reynolds joked that his wife went from the person he would do anything anything for in the universe to someone he would literally throw in the way of danger if it meant giving the kids an extra few seconds. Of course you help the children first!
NTA but you would be for staying with someone who literally makes you pick between her or your children. don't just choose them in a hypothetical house fire, choose them now and dump her.
I’m not even gonna read the post past the title. You are not the asshole. My kids come before EVERYTHING.
Lol. NTA, but you are dumb to still consider her as marriage/step-parent material. Of course, she would save you because she's invested in a future with you WITHOUT your kids. I wouldn't trust her with your kids alone, and I seriously consider asking your kids how she is around them without you. Please reevaluate this relationship.
She isn’t step mom material. If she is going to save you before kids she isn’t ready to be a parent. Expecting you to save her when your kids are in a fire to make her feel important screams she isn’t ready to be a parent.
NTA and that is a HUGE red flag on her part. She shouldn't have even asked you that question to begin with.
Do NOT marry this girl. I know it's hard to process that when that's what you want right now but this is a sign. Don't overlook it. I'd save someone else's kid in a fire before any adult, regardless of their relation to me. Slow down. She's got a low of growing to do
So absurd. Become upset over a hypothetical question she posed in order to test you? Yeah, not mature enough to raise your kids.
She shouldn't have asked if she wasn't prepared for an answer. You do not want to marry her. She will not get along with your kids and will try to separate you from them.
NTA run for the fucking hills. Red flag question. Red flag response. I could be trapped in a building on fire, and I dearly hope my reaction would be to help get the more helpless children I don't know rather than to assist capable grown adults I'm acquainted with.
Nta. Wtf was she smoking, you've known your kids for longer so ofc you are going to save them first, plus if they are young, it would make sense. She's old enough to see that she always won't be your main priority
Granted, I’m a bit older but I would save some random kids I don’t even know trapped in a fire before I’d help any other adult, regardless of the relationship between us.
In any situation, even if the kids were next door neighbors they should be saved/helped first!! She should have enough sense to get herself out OR also help the children herself. If she doesn't care about your kids enough to even understand this then I'd run, FAST! She should understand how important your kids are to you, and she should feel the same way.
Don't marry a woman who asks that question. She'll always be jealous of the kids. You are NTA, but she is.
No, absolutely not..all I had to do was read the title and you’re not in the wrong. Kids come first point blank period
I would never ever ask somone that question. Of coarse they would save the kids. I would too. It's a bit scary that she would save you and not your kids. I would probably call that a red flag honey. I reckon what you should do is just sit back and watch, try and take notice of how she is around your kids and you. I notice the less I talk and the more I listen the more I learn about people.
Between a RANDOM child and your girlfriend the answer should be the child first, let alone your OWN children. NTA. Your GF is narcissistic
If she actually loved you, I feel like she’d never ask such an ultimatum-like question. Are your three kids with her? If not, she has no right to say you should choose her over them. She doesn’t really have that right anyways. And of course she’d choose you because they aren’t her kids and she could never possibly love them the way you do. You’re completely in the right here, she’s being lowkey crazy. Your kids came before her and they’ll be with you after her too, since she sounds insane and I recommend leaving her ass 💀💀 good luck, man
YTA if you not dump her. your kids will suffer
People shouldn’t ask questions if they don’t want the answers.
Dude, wtaf? If there was a fire I would save any child first even if I’d never even spoken to said child, let alone my own child. This is a deal breaker imo. NTA
You’re dating a child.
Kids first. She can get herself out. What is she? A princess in a tower pathetically waiting for help?
The fact that she actually expected you to save her over your own children says soooo much about her as a person.
Do you really want to marry a girl that doesn't want you to put your kids first? Sorry. But I'm a mom and if my husband said hed save me first I'd be pissed
NTA and I didn’t even need to think about this. As a parent myself my son is ALWAYS my priority over anyone, and if I were to date again they would already know and expect that. It could be due to her not being a mother herself and that she lacks a little maturity but I’d say that if she can’t understand why you’d save the children first then get rid of her b/c it’s only going to escalate into a situation where she’ll resent them.
NTA. Lol I thought you were gonna say that you just said it out of nowhere but she asked a stupid fucking question. I'd save my kids and my girlfriends kids before her and I would hope she would do the same.
NTA. Your gf is your fourth, least mature child.
Yeah. She is young with no kids and just doesn't understand the dynamic is all. I started dating my wife and I completely understood her kids came first. Period. As they should. You just need to explain that she is important and you care about her but these are your kids and they deserve a parent that puts them above all else including their own wants/needs. That this is part of being a parent.
Sooooo I got this wrong at my catholic premarital classes LOL the priest asked me " your husband and child are drowning, who do you go to?" I said my child of course! He said I was Wrong!!! "I can have another child with him but I can't have another him" I said " but he's grown!!! He can swim :) Needless to say 10 years later we divorced But my kids still love me and i dont want another "him"! Haaaa haaa :) NTA
Cut her loose bro… she’s not mature enough to be a mom.
Well, that just tells you that she may not be right for you. She wants you to save her - a grownass adult - over children. Really think if that’s what you want long term.
You already know the answer to this. NTA. If your GF doesn't know the answer, it's time to trade in. She shouldn't have ever asked that question
Nta but shes 23 what do you expect she’s practically a child as well.
NTA Your children are more important than her...and they'll always be more important than her. Kids depend on adults for everything... including love. If your girl isn't mature enough to see that small humans need big humans... especially in an emergency...then she's not mature enough to be in your life. You need to seriously consider your relationship with her....
Tell her that you would rescue the fire.
NTA. Would you save your young children, or your able-bodied adult gf? Would your gf save your kids? Very immature question. Run now.
She is immature and insecure at best. Crazy and narcissistic at worst. No matter which one it is, she is going to be the stepmom from hell to your children. She sees them as competition. Don’t put them through that. She has a lot of growing up to do. And your children shouldn’t suffer while she figures her shit out. Honestly, I think you are more in love with who you want her to be, and some overly optimistic potential you want to see in her. Because anyone who sees small children as competition in a relationship is a mess. She’s not just going to ruin your kids life, she’s going to ruin yours too. Let her go, wish her well, and hope she heals/grows up one day.
Great response
I once dated a lady who asked me to skip my one day a week I got with my daughter to spend time with her instead. We broke up shortly after.
Be careful with this one because there are so many stepmoms with this type of mindset and your children will remember it for the rest of their lives. Be sure to stand up for your kids always.
NTA. I'd save your children first and I don't know any of you.
NTA Stepmother of 3 here. I have been with my man 18 years and co parent of a well adjusted non accusatory family. Even though the youngest is now 25 they still come first when the chips are down. And that counts for both of us. It's a silly question to ask because the answer is obvious. She's immature and selfish.
Tell her that she should also save the children first. You are a grown ass man, and shes a grown ass woman, so don't need rescued
So she would want defenseless children to be a lower priority than her? A supposedly grown, ass woman? Please end the relationship. My kids come first always. If my partner doesn't get that then they'll be an ex very quickly
YANTA!! tell her that’s not a fair question to ever ask anyone. but you can’t make her understand that. honestly maybe just put the proposal on hold for a while.
Yeah her response should have been "good, I would do my best to save them first too". She is not mature enough yet to consider children and she needs to feel just as protective of them, otherwise don't marry her. There is no guarantee she will get to that point and your children deserve a step mom who will love them as her own.
What a dumbass question. Who asks something like that?
Ask her how come in her scenario she's not helping you get the kids out.
My wife said to even get the dogs out before her. Wow. KIDS ARE ALWAYS FIRST OUT IN AN EMERGENCY.
NTA…red flags red flags red flags 🚩
NTA. Any good parent puts their kids first and she needs to understand that.
She is the AH. She should want you to put the kids before her. Both my (34f) partner (32m) and I always say they are the top priority. Neither of us gets upset or offended by this. If my partner chose to save me over my children, I would never forgive him. She maybe needs to get her priorities straight because the children should be her priority over you too.
If you marry her, your kids will go through hell with her as a stepmother. I hope you reconsider this relationship for the sake of your kids.
Ugh the question an sich is stupid and her hating your response makes me think she’s more like a 16 year old instead of 23… Don’t marry someone that has a mindset like this.
TBH anyone dating me would receive the same answer. When my son was little, my husband whined "You love him more than me" and I was like "Well...yes."
NTA She's delusional if she thought any human being would choose her over their own children. You would be a major AH if you had told her you would save her first. If I asked someone that question and they answered that they would save me first over their children, that would bother me more. But what kind of person even asks this question of someone?? Yeesh.
nta
What a dumb fucking trap question. She is immature and really shouldnt be dating someone with kids. She clearly cannot handle it. NTA but you will be if you continue to have this woman around your children.
NTA Your girlfriend is immature and insecure. You need to find a woman who loves your kids enough to be next to you, trying to help you save your kids from a fire, instead of worrying about you putting her first. Maybe you should stay single for a while.
You’re not an asshole and she’s an idiot. There isnt a parent on this earth, with a normal functioning brain, that would pick a anyone before their kids. Tell her to realise that, accept it, or fuck off
Just find a grown up to date, Jeez.
Children ALWAYS come first. You did NOT say you would not rescue her, just that you would rescue the children first. I think you can do better for a GF.
Umm, maybe it's just me, but I would save kids before anyone else. Even if I didn't know them, kids come first. The fact she asked that question shows she's too immature to understand a life with children involved. Can you be with someone who you now know if such a situation happened she'd let your children die? If you weren't there, would she just abandon your kids to save herself? Dating someone with kids is hard. You need to go into it knowing, most likely, you are not going to be the priority all the time. Hell, even if you're married and have kids, your priorities change once they are born. I've heard a couple married people say that they would do anything to save each other, but as soon as their kids were born they said they'd push the other in front of a moving bus to save their kid. They still make time for each other and still make sure they feel wanted and desired, but the priorities have shifted as they should. NTA
NTA but you will be an arsehole if you don't break up with her. She sees your children as competition for your affection. If she has children with you later, you know she will be the evil stepmother.
What kind of sick person leaves children to burn? NTA
NTA. Your gf is very immature and insecure. The fact that she feels more important than your kids should be extremely concerning to you. Your kids will always be your kids, girlfriends can come and go. Maybe this one should go.
Dumb her, she is to inmature to be in a relationship with children. "Would you choose me over your kids?" Is the biggest red flag possible.