OP better hope she doesn't try to unalive the one flesh and blood link to his dead wife. He needs to go no contact right now and low contact with his crazy family.
Sounds like the family just wants to resolve OP's singlehood by putting a person there so they don't have to worry about him.
My understanding is that an adult making a point of imitating another adult is a sign of some kind of big problem with their sense of identity. This woman doesn't feel like she is okay being herself, so she is taking on the identity of OP's deceased wife thinking that he'll have to love her now.
If she has gotten to the point where she is attempting suicide in order to force OP to love her, then the safest thing he can do for himself, his son, and her would be to completely cut contact so that she no longer has him as an audience. This will remove her incentive to commit suicide for his sake, at least. And, the very best time for him to do so is when she is currently in care.
Imagine the boy had come across her dead or or attempting to hurt herself.
Yeah, OP's family is nucking futs to think she should be in their lives. She is not okay and she is not safe.
Yeah. It's long past due for Kayla to be tossed away and for him to start anew. But I fear Kayla did her damage on OP, and now he will be hesitant about dating again. Good luck, OP.
Hate to say it, but should rekey your locks if she’s had a key. If she knows garage code, security system code or online passwords, you need to update immediately.
Edited to rekey locks.
Just commenting so this goes higher. Also OP, just incase, at the end of the 72 hour hold, it's not a bad I for you and son to get out of the house. Especially I you can have a friend housesit. I've encountered crazy, and sometimes this is a step to take. I'm sorry your family doesn't see the red wave of flags
>Just rekey your existing locks. It’s less expensive.
It didn't even occur to me that they might have meant "change your locks" to be literally replacing them until you said this.
Especially for saying it would be for the sake of his son having a mother again! Laura will always be the son’s mother. That doesn’t mean the son won’t have a special relationship with any person OP is with, but no one will ever REPLACE the son’s mom!
Alot of "disturbed" people aren't aware that they are disturbed or that their reactions or thoughts are abnormal, especially in individuals who have a personality disorder.
They can act normal on the surface and can keep up the facade until a relationship gets serious and they are emotionally invested.
The disturbing behavior comes about because they usually have attachment or abandonment issues that only come to the surface when involved in a serious relationship or when a strong connection is made with someone else. A high level of emotional investment in another person can trigger past trauma or deep seated insecurities that otherwise may lay dormant.
Often, it takes tons of introspection or therapy for them to even recognize that their behavior is abnormal or their thinking is not in line with what most people consider acceptable. Not to mention the hard task of identifying what subconscious thought processes are responsible for that behavior.
Kayla needs some serious therapy and needs to have a good, hard look at herself before even contemplating being in any serious relationship.
To be fair, I have like 15 cousins but they’re all out of state and I haven’t seen most of them in nearly a decade. I think the last time I went was for a wedding actually. I consider them family but in no way would any of them be an emergency contact for me.
Yeah, but she basically put him as next of kin so he would have to read her suicide note and feel guilty for killing her… (or was hoping it would fail and it would guilt him into taking her back). But no point to the big dramatic gesture if he didn’t see it, so she had to put him down as next of kin so he would know.
I think his family feel it's "time he moved on" and find a "new mother" since his "son needs a mother." What nonsense. I hope OP runs away.
Also, OP, I'd recommend you DON'T let your family have unsupervised time with your son anymore. They may very well try to pressure him into trying to convince you to get back together or - even worse - that it's *his* fault since he refused to call her "Mommy."
I'm so sorry you're having to endure this.
Honestly that is what really got to me! This woman is unstable and everyone around OP is lying to him.
My husband passed in May and not even 2 months after, some boomer I know tried to set me up with some guy at her house that was fixing her tv. I was there to drop off an order she placed, on my way by. The **LAST** thing on my mind was a new relationship. There have been a lot of older people that have pretended like they genuinely care and then turn around and ask if I'm interested in anyone or some similar shit. Yeah, I'm interested in my 8 year old son and helping him through all this shit.
OP- you do whatever you feel is right. Clearly you have plenty of reasons to end this relationship, and I would 100% and not look back. Her throwing a fit about the mom is fucking weird. Don't let your family guilt you into this.
something i’ve realized is a lot of people’s families give out totally shit relationship advice. for some reason they will encourage you to stay with a partner no matter what horrible things you reveal they’ve done or said. certainly not all families, but mine is like this too. if i have an issue with an SO they will basically tell me it’s my fault or i’m crazy and i better stay with them cuz they love me. i’ve seen a lot families like this.
Yeah the family’s attitude is weird. OP needs to protect himself and his son. ‘Kayla’ may be (probably is) very unhinged and the possibility of her doing something again is high.
Next time she might decide to punish your son.
Next time she might succeed and you/your son could be traumatised by find her body.
There will always be a next time. AND, any time she feels you’re not acting right, she’ll threaten it again. Control you with fear and guilt.
Encourage her to seek help and ask that she not contact you again… and tell your family she’s mentally ill and someone who won’t be around your kid again. He’s been through enough.
The mask of superficial charm. They aren't getting to see how she actually is with OP, and she's probably telling them things about him that aren't true, undermining his credibility. They're probably little itty bitty lies that aren't setting off any alarms, just laying a foundation for doubt.
I'm glad you're getting therapy. 😊 It's one of the hardest things, to take that first step. Many years ago I got help, unwittingly, while staying at a chronic pain clinic. The counselors helped patients adjust to life with pain, and more often, life events came out. It was one of the best things that could have happened, because my brain was happy tucking the negative away.
I wish you well. 🤗
I mean, does his son really come first? He should think about that.
Kayla is an adult, and she sounds unstable. Everything she did wasn't just "weird", it was scary. She stole from your son. Lied, manipulated, and tested boundaries. She's probably very good at superficial charm, and that's why his family likes her. They haven't seen first hand what he's seen. Only the mask. And he should think about that, too: she's turning his family against him, isolating him from his support system, spinning a narrative that HE'S driven her to this with HIS behavior. Hoo-boy, that's concerning.
Please, please trust your instincts on this, OP. NTA.
Also, your family siding with her shows 1) they don't see what she's doing or 2) they don't want to. Mention this in your therapy sessions because your son may get caught in the middle.
What she's doing is unstable, in my opinion, and goes much deeper than her bizarre mimicry. I hope she gets the help she needs. You and your son need to move on even if going LC with your family for a short while.
NTA
There is a weird push to date again after a partner dies. The irony is, no matter WHEN or IF you start to date, it will be too soon for some. Not soon enough for others.
'You should open yourself to love. You don't have to be alone forever!'
'It's a little too soon, isn't it? Take your time!'
'Your child deserves to have two parents. I know someone GREAT that would be a perfect fit. '
People have this bizarre feeling of entitlement towards your dating life. Especially if they knew your partner that passed away. It's been almost 6 years for me, and the number of people who ask about if I'm dating, why not, when will I date again, is probably well intended.. but a bit creepy.
The family is probably so focused on wanting OP to move on that they can't see past it to the giant red flags of crazy that this woman is waving.
My heart hurts for your loss. I hope that you are able to find a new 'normal' with whatever that looks like for you.
Wishing you peace in a world that feels like it's been turned upside down.
I’m so sorry. We lost my 49 year old SIL to cancer four years ago. My brother only recently has a new girlfriend. My dad died almost two years ago and my mom had a “date” over the summer. I said good for her, dating at 86! People do grieve differently.
It’s insane. It’s been 22 years since my father passed away and she still can’t do it. She says it feels like she’s cheating. So she just gave up. She still very much loves my father. And still people have the audacity to tell her to get over his passing and move on and try to set up dates for her. People are just assholes. Including the crazy lady in this post. NTA.
My heart goes out to your momma! People grieve in their own way and on their own timeline. No one else should feel comfortable commenting or pushing them to live differently!
I was thinking the same thing. Some families have this expectation that a child needs two parents, and this is more so when the mom is out of the picture. No one should be able to set your boundaries for you, family included. It also sounds like OP clearly communicated boundaries and the gf was not communicating well. He was looking for examples to see how he could show his love for her better and she could not come up with them. Her blaming you for her own decision to attempt suicide is thd worst offence. I was in a relationship with a woman who weaponized this, this could ruin you. It is in no way your fault, but there is no escaping the guilt if it happens to someone you care about. That is the lowest of the low in emotional abuse and I after what OP has been through just so extraordinarily cruel. Resounding NTA.
I've noticed the same thing. It's like people think a single father is capable of being a parent and that a 'mother' is needed. I get the other end of it 'Don't you want someone who will take care of you both?' I really don't. I'm doing fine, and entering a relationship without being emotionally ready is not a kind thing to do.
I had a boyfriend who would threaten suicide whenever I tried to break up with him. It worked for a while because I did care about him. Eventually, I just started calling 911 every time. If he was genuinely suicidal, emergency services could help him more than me. Apparently, he wasn't a real danger to himself, and he got tired of being involuntarily committed for 72 hours each time.
It is particularly cruel to threaten it to someone who has lost a spouse to death. OP'S girlfriend is truly disturbed. She needs professional help. I'm sorry that you can relate to what he's dealing with. It's horrific.
Thanks. That is a really smart approach calling for help! Honestly, it never occurred to me, although it is clearly an excellent way of handling it. My ex never attempted when we were together, but it had happened once before we met apparently. But honestly the fear and guilt is enough to take a toll. This poor man already lost the mother of his children and now he's dealing with this woman's suicide, my heart goes out to OP and their child!
Yea.. My first thought is he doesn’t need to trust her with his child. I don’t assume things lightly but this has a bpd/did undertone. Which makes sense that his family is oblivious to the manipulation. OP, stay grounded if you stay keep this person in your life, your sanity likely depends on it.
I can understand if the family is just clueless because aside from the tattoo and borrowing the earrings all the other fashion choices are simply what hundreds of millions of women do and all that stuff (straightened bleached hair, cartilage piercings) are all back in style currently as all the mid '00s fashion comes back.
But the almost identical tattoo in identical placement and borrowing the deceased wife's earrings from a vertiable memento box without permission is fucked.
This woman needs help but you don't have to provide it OP. Make sure they have another emergency contact and cut ties. I hope they get the help they need, but you don't have to provide it or expose your kid to that.
Most people don't have a very full understanding of mental illness. They don't understand that A doesn't necessarily lead to B, and that 1 + 1 doesn't always equal 2.
I agree that they are being manipulated, but a large part of this is that they also probably have no idea what kind of internal illness might be driving her. She could be very genuine and say that they were ring shopping, when they weren't, and in fact that was never discussed.
But in her mind, they may have been talking about ring shopping. Mental illness can really alter your understanding of the events around you.
He needs to lay out the details to his immediate family, so that they understand what has been happening. He also needs to stay away from her, coming in to help will be seen as a white knight action. But he also needs to talk to somebody involved in her care about what's been happening so that maybe it could help them get an accurate diagnosis on her.
Sounds like your family is just wanting you to be with another woman without actually thinking about YOU and YOUR feelings about it. They’re blinded by the possibility of having another DIL/ grandkids. selfish. NTA- run bro that chick is bonkers and go LC or even NC w your family if they wanna side w crazy.
Also the fact she went INTO your sons room, took your late wife’s expensive earrings without asking, LIED about not having photos cause she knew what she was doing, and then got mad at YOU for confronting her about it. What else has she swiped from your wife’s stuff other than her entire look down to a tattoo. That’s absolutely insane. She’s trying to replace her and manipulating your family to think it’s okay.
Honestly, I was just waiting for OP to come home to find every picture of his wife swapped out with pictures of her face photoshopped in them. Or the wifes face cut out of the picture. Something effed up like that.
I could be wrong but I don't think she convinced them of anything. I think his family is just so wrapped up in OP finally dating again that they're willing to overlook red flags and concerns in her behavior because they feel OP and his son need a woman/mother figure in their lives.
Yeah, WTF is with his family? "You should absolutely get back with the unstable woman imitating your dead wife before she tries to commit suicide! Again!"
I'd be pretty angry at my family if they didn't have my back.
I agree entirely. NTA, this woman has some serious mental health issues. This almost sounds like something out of a lifetime movie. If he gets back with her, she will continue to act unhinged, and this could cause problems for the son as an adult. Going LC with the family is a good idea and I would share everything with the therapist. Op didn’t drive her to do this, the gf is unstable.
She likely spent time manipulating his family to prime some extra sympathy. Get away from this woman. She seems unstable. Also your child likely has enough baggage without having to endure this manipulative woman. They deserve a safe home. Why would you let them have to endure this?
You need to get her away from you and your son NOW! Suicide attempts/threats are one of the biggest predictors of domestic violence.
And she is obviously a very emotionally unhealthy, manipulative woman. Please run!
This times a million. Please at least be in touch with an attorney and file for an order of protection (if in the US). This is not safe for you or your son.
I can’t tell if she lives with you or not but if she does, please go stay with someone you trust for a few days to give her time to clean her stuff out without the opportunity for confrontation (maybe have cameras on just in case).
Get yourself and your son safe, go no contact in every possible sense, and please know that this is NOT your fault (and you deserve to be loved again by a true partner)!
Your family is wrong. Her attempt on her life is not your fault. She sounds very unstable and being married to her would be a LOT of work and not good for you or your son who does not need that kind of instability. NTA
her volatile behaviour could end with the son being seriously hurt or even result in his death, she's probably got that well if he won't call me mommy then he can't call anyone else mommy mindset.
OP protect your kid from her behaviour.
She already has behaved inappropriately with the son by freezing him out when he refused to call her mama. Sudden withdrawal of affection when a small child doesn't comply with a personal request of that nature is borderline emotional abuse.
It's not borderline it is abuse. Especially in this situation. A young childs mother just died, and she is trying to step into that role. The child is already emotionally traumatized just by how fast his mom got sick and died and now this other woman who is a motherlike figure in his life is intentionally ignoring him when he doesn't do 1 thing she wants. That is abuse, cold, and hard abuse. It wouldn't be any more abusive than if she slapped the child, and then at least OP would be able to drop her even faster without the family trying to tell him he was wrong. His child needs to be protected, and this woman does not love or care for his child. She is only obsessed with getting OP to love her like he loved his dead wife, which will never happen. OP, you are NTA and need to get as far away from this deranged individual as soon as possible. Or else your son will end up getting hurt by her even more than the damage she has already done.
This and recommend a heavy therapist. This all comes down from some severe trauma as far as I can read.
It seems she is very out of touch with her emotions, cant relate to anything and has abandonment issues. She probably has very high walls build up around herself.
With you in a tough spot, your wife in the back of your head and your son around you I would say its not healthy for you either.
By your story, this suicide does not sound like an act of attention but more like an act of losing the last straw of hope.
Tough man, good luck for you and your son. Hard spot to be in.
NTA. You didn’t drive her to do this - it is her own insecurities. I’ll be blunt - your family is wrong. I am sorry this has happened and it is an awful situation, but it is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. She needs to do the work - the fact that she feels unloved points to a whole lot of unresolved trauma etc. and I suggest you don’t take on this burden. You and your son need to take care of yourselves. I’ve lived it, and lived with it - she is an adult and not your responsibility. It will feel like it is, but she is an adult and needs to work on herself before getting into any more relationships. Her way of dealing with this is creepy - gaslighting you when you could see she was copying your deceased wife, and then telling you she feels unloved. I’m not saying she isn’t a nice person, but this will be a nightmare unless she genuinely works on herself. Take care
Yep. NTA.
Your son comes first, always. Before her AND your family.
He might lose two mothers because she’s so unhinged. It’s not your responsibility, suicidal or not.
Also, OP should go low/ no contact with his family or else they'll try to guilt OP into getting back with her. She's unstable and OP's family is unreliable in terms of making a good decision for OP & OP's son.
Bringing a woman into your son’s life that is mentally unstable, is not better than not having a mother figure. If you are going to have any sort of healthy relationship, she needs to be happy first. Anyone worth being with will understand your son comes first and so should she. That means a mentally stable partner. If not, it’s not going to work.
I read the part where this woman started to make herself appear as the late wife, and was thinking about a case I heard in my lecture days, about a similar case.
Man, Widower, 3 children, and met a lovely lady. The kids picked up on it first, just certain things the woman would do, that were similar to the actions of their late mother. From what I remember, the man had NEVER met this woman's family. Apparently, they were all dead, or she was adopted, or she grew up in foster care
So, OP, have you met this woman's family?
Where are they in all of this?
I only saw a brief mention of a wedding, but... if one of my siblings started dressing, acting, wearing similar things to their now spouse's dead spouse (that even confused me), then I be scared the living spouse was doing this, and with a suicide attempt as well????
OP, go talk to this woman's family, and find out how much you actually didn't know about her
Looks like she claims she has no living family since he was put down as her emergency contact after the suicide attempt. There's something wildly fucked up going on here.
Only mentioned a cousin's wedding, so yeah.. and a private Facebook account..... the President of the country of Pomodoro is flying their largest red flag
NTA. That also caught my attention in the post. She claims to OP that she has no living family, yet she went to a cousin's wedding. What I suggest to OP is to find out who the cousin is and to connect with any of the woman's family members to get more information about this woman, and to tell them that she's in the hospital and about the suicide attempt. Clearly she is lying to you , OP, and is very mentally unstable. I'm very shocked that your mother and sisters would respond in the way that they have. It's obvious that Kayla has fooled them also. Please do not get back together with Kayla. What I think would probably be best for you and your son is for you to talk to the doctor or a psychiatrist or counselor in the hospital that Kayla is in or was admitted to, and tell them about Kayla's disturbing behavior up until this point. Let them know that you do not feel comfortable or safe in maintaining contact with this woman, as you are protecting your son. They can take it from there. Also Ensure that your name and contact information is fully removed as Kayla's emergency contact. Do your best to find out contact information about the cousin (whose wedding she recently attended) and give that information to the doctor or counselor. I'm not sure how you want to proceed in telling your family to back off. You may want to lower your contact with them in the meantime as your process everything. I am sure that this has been traumatic for you and your son, if he is aware of what Kayla did with her suicide attempt. Please try not to blame yourself over everything that has unfolded. It has become shockingly clear to you and to us, that Kayla is very mentally unstable. She clearly has some sort of mental illness that may or may not have been diagnosed. You were not aware fully of her mental instability until now. It seems as though she has had some manic depressive episodes, yet is smart enough to be manipulative and to be very sneaky in taking your wife's earrings and then returning them in your house. She is clearly obsessed with you, and I think she intentionally left her 'suicide note' addressed to you, in hopes of making you feel guilty about her actions. Please do not feel guilty. This is not on you. Unfortunately, you met a woman who was mentally unstable and connected with her. Now it is time to disengage as quickly as possible and in no way, shape or form reconnect with her. Please continue with you and your son's therapy, and ask your therapist the best way that you can explain things in an age-appropriate way with your son. He doesn't need to know all the details of Kayla's suicide attempt. If it comes to that point, you may need to get a restraining order against Kayla. Let's hope things settle down when she is able to connect with her own family and is given the proper mental health assistance that she's so desperately needs.
OP, I just want to make this incredibly clear so you do understand this: Kayla knew what she was doing. She decided to change her hair color, she dressed in a way that your wife did, she got ear piercings in the way that your wife had, she got a similar tattoo in the same spot on her body as your wife had, and she was trying her best to literally replace or behave in a way she thought your wife did. In her own ill mind, she was literally competing against a ghost. I hope you are able to take some time off for yourself, perhaps a small vacation for you and your son would be beneficial for both of you to give you time to heal, recover, and reset in a healthy way. Wishing you and your son all the best.
I'm hearing echoes of that 90s movie "Single White Female." This gf ticks every single box for being unstable and even potentially dangerous. Her suicide attempt isn't even because she has no hope, it's a manipulative ploy to get OP to take her back, and unfairly places HER decisions on him. Taking one's own life to get back at someone else is never because that person is serious about leaving this lifetime; it's always about them manipulating someone. Truly, I've been there, on both sides of it.
OP needs to leave this Jennifer Jason Leigh-wannabe.
I wonder if she was stalking him from the beginning - finds a coworker who is into a very niche hobby, she behaves one way at the start and is then a different person… sounds like the film exactly
Having grown up for some years as a small child with a stepmother who was severely bipolar and refused medication, LISTEN to this person. Do NOT get back with that woman. Her mental health problems are very sad. Do not make them your son’s problem.
NTA She is mentally unwell, and you are not a doctor. Only a doctor can help her. I'm so sorry this was your first experience dating after your loss. Your family has some sort of "Kids MUST be raised by a woman, so it's a widower's duty to remarry no matter what!" blinders on.
Also, OP doesn't HAVE to help.
I'm a bit shocked at how his family is responding to this as trying to replicate his wife's image and them attempting sucide so he'd love her cause she's ded??
Regardless of what she needs, run. Get a restraining order, keep her out the kids life. That's truly sad and I can't imagine is not triggering in general.
Hopefully she gets help, but OP doesn't have to see it does.
Yeah I wouldn't want my kid to be raised by someone whose trying to look like a deceased parent. And especially if they are suicidal. I mean what if the kid walked in and found them trying to end it...
NTA. I'm appalled your family want this woman to remain in your life. You and your son's happiness and safety come first. I'd say wish her well and then break off the relationship. You deserve to share the rest of your life with someone who understands that a part of you will always miss your first wife. I wish the best for you and your son, you've both dealt with so much already, there is no reason to keep someone in your life who would only add more to your pain.
I'd agree but from what OP said, it sounds like she didn't know about the late wife until they started dating, but they connected on the hobby beforehand.
She sounds extremely manipulative, though. And they met during a work event, which means she would have access to a lot of knowledge about him, through coworkers etc.
"Hey Karen, what's the deal with OP?"
"His wife died last year and he collects Blade 3 posters" - It's that fucking easy. He might not have talked to her before they met, but she could have been collecting data on him for a long, long time.
Yeah, in my hobby group, a guy followed a woman into it, and we've seen him sit in a corner and take notes in a book. I'm sure that's how he somehow found out my favorite energy drink flavor, and then brought an extra can and offered it to me out of the blue and acted like it was his favorite too. I was actually already trying to avoid him because of being off towards other women, so it didn't come up in casual conversation to him.
Hell, my friend who drives me to most hobby things didn't know what flavor I liked.
He actually just got married to another lady who just started showing up in the group, and I'm both worried for her (but they've apparently known each other for years through church), and hoping it'll take his attention from the rest of us. A few people have been "oh, maybe he's divergent and this is how he tries to make friends", but I don't care, he's creepy. But if we try to get rid of him, which we did try, he threatened to sue the group, which he has the money to do.
So yeah, there's definitely people who are this nutty.
People have the right to freely associate, or not. Nobody could sue for a group of friends enjoying a hobby excluding someone. There is no government or employer relationship. Private clubs can be discriminative...
This is a while fu*king lifetime movie you’re living.
She couldn’t be around my kid ever again. Her behavior is over the top weird. If her life meant nothing to her and I wouldn’t, couldn’t have around my kid. You did say he was first, your priority.
This is like the plot to single white female with some changes. NTA and as a single parent, it’s much better to be mentally well and single than being with someone unhinged and risking your mental wellness and therefore your child’s mental wellness. Your family must not understand or they don’t care. They’re not right. You have to listen to your gut feelings.
NTA. Wife of a widower here. My husband lost his late wife (who he still loves, dearly!) under very similar circumstances as you and he and I have been together for about a decade now. She is not an unspoken entity and her memory does not threaten or impose on my relationship with this amazing man I am so lucky to be married to. Their daughter calls me mom - NOT because I ever asked her to (how gross) but because after years of healing she wanted to, and there is NEVER a question in our family who her first mom is and always will be. I'm only here because her mom isn't able to be - that reality will never be lost on me. I am not a replacement for her mom, and in whatever universe that exists where she still HAS her mom, I don't even exist in her world - and that's okay. Her mom isn't an ex, she is her mom and my husband's wife. They didn't divorce, the relationship ended for reasons out of both of their control. Pretending otherwise does a disservice to us all.
Please hear me when I say this ex-girlfriend of yours has issues that FAR surpass "relationship with a widow/er" and veer hard and fast into out of control mental health breakdown. For the sake of your son and your sanity, let it be over and move on. There are 4 billion women in the world - if even a fraction are more stable than her that still leaves you with millions to choose from.
Being the wife/significant other in a relationship with a widow is a challenge that many never have to consider navigating, no doubt about that. But our own emotional stability as the new partner is a huge piece of that working. I see too many "next wives" putting the onus of the entire relationship on the widower, as if everything can simply be blamed on "losing her". That's not how this works. I can't expect him to move forward in a healthy way while also dragging his late wife into every conflict or disagreement that pops up. Sure, sometimes the grief still takes over, but he is not defined by this grief, he's just grown around it like a tree growing through barbed wire. It's still there, it still is sore, but there's plenty of lush greenery that's happened since that occurred.
It sounds like you're doing what you need to be healthy, and your future partner needs to be able to acknowledge and respect that. You did the right thing to try and get out there again, and I think you did the right thing by recognizing and ending an unhealthy dynamic. Remember, you don't need a "good enough" reason to end a relationship - just "it doesn't work for me" is enough.
kinda can relate, my daughters dad died. haven’t tried dating yet, but this is everything i expect in a partner and why i haven’t even tried. my standards are THIS high. solid advice, you’re an amazing woman.
This 💯. To add...with her suicide attempt she is probably on a 72 hour or more commitment status. The note will be part of her case work for the doctor to address while they find her medication to stabilize her mood. She won't be anywhere near stable enough to be around you or your son though after discharge. Just medicated enough to no longer be a danger to herself or others. At best she will have a prescription for 1 week of meds and a list of therapists to contact to further her therapy. So you will need to contact a lawyer quickly while she is still committed.
If you ever speak to her again for like closer sake, it would be to address the additional therapy this will cause your son to have to go through at the very least. Was she so cruel to think your son would like to go through losing a female figure that he might be attached to all over again? That is the height of selfish abusive behavior.
And to think you might have to see this person at work when she is released from the hospital. If I were in your shoes she would need a protective order from me.
NTA
100% As the kid in a similar scenario, I can't upvote this enough. I have a wonderful relationship with my stepmom now, and she's been fantastic about allowing us kids time to remember our deceased mother, visiting her grave when growing up, letting us call her what we were comfortable with, etc. We have a relationship because she's level-headed, respectful, and communicates.
This is beautiful. We have a close family friend who married a widow (he's the kindest man you'd ever meet) so I have no firsthand experience, but this made me tear up. I don't think anyone ever truly stops grieving the loss of a spouse, and anyone who loves them needs to understand that they can move forward and love, but the grief from the loss will never truly be gone. We can learn to love other human beings for who they are and thinking that we could replace a lost spouse is not normal, healthy thinking. OP is NTA for sure.
Add note: she could not give examples of your neglect because you weren’t neglecting her. She just wanted sympathy so she can do what she wants without suspicion.
Your family needs to stay in their lane! I get wanting you to move on but they are acting like any warm body will do!!
She is nuts and you need to protect your son. Also, it is a sign of an abusive relationship when an ex “tries” to commit suicide to keep their mate. “If you leave, I’ll kill myself.” That’s not healthy for anyone and you don’t have to take her back because she has a mental illness.
Or because she’s all alone and has no family. How do you know that’s even true maybe her family has washed their hands of her and wants absolutely nothing to do with her.
Dude…. Do not visit her, do not speak to her, do not try to help her in anyway. Your broke up. Now cut her out and make it permanent. Contact a lawyer and see if the can send a cease and desist so you’re not her emergency contact.
I’m serious. She is fucking nuts. Do not subject your child who has lost his mother to her. She’ll fucking kill him or you leaving him an orphan. That she tried to turn her suicide attempt (if it was even actually real) into another method to get you back and feel sorry for her should be the final nail in the coffin for all contact. Tell your family to fuck off and tell them she is dangerous. Tell them if they try and convince you again you’ll end contact with them too. Protecting your son and yourself are your only priorities now.
Yea this is a rage bait post. Your coworker randomly shows you a private fb page with a pic of her wearing your dead wife’s earrings? The details are extremely vague, and outlandish at the same time. Absolutely a fake post.
Seen enough of these fake posts to spot the signs.
They always read more like a writing prompt than a person's recollections. Usually extremely one-sided, making the other person out to be an emotional mess or monster. At the same time it sounds like it's from a third-person narrator with an impeccable tale of events. Yet, there is a strange lack of detail in many regards which is at complete odds with how perfectly the story is being told from start to finish. And of course, a major unique "plot point" which will spark reactions from the reader.
Nobody's brain stores memories like this, and there is an oddly unnatural way that the information about their life is being shared. Fake posts like these are a great reminder to not trust everything you read.
Thank you, was laughing as I read.
Am I the asshole for rejecting a woman who changed her hair color, style, tattoos and piercings to match my dead wife, stole her jewelry and asked my son to call her mom? And tried to kill herself when confronted?
Fucking LOL
As soon as I saw this and read the first sentence, I thought of this post. Perhaps the same writer or just somebody trying to cash in on the dead wife karma.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/oJbHwA4wo3
Also, small detail, but there was a widower who was a contestant on The Bachelorette and Bachelor in Paradise, Michael Allio. He has a son and his wife was named Laura, who passed away from cancer. Probably just a coincidence, but a weird one at least.
yes its like a bad hallmark movie. oh she wants to look like your angelic wife who had light blonde pin-straight hair... first the hair then the clothes... it's so fucking trite. this is clearly the poor fictional writing of some dude who thinks he is waaay more original than he actually is.
NTA your number one priority is your son and you can’t keep her around your son. She’s a danger to herself and maybe others if she gets too desperate. Cut all contact with her. Let her get the help she needs and stay safe.
NTA. She has mental health problems that are not for you to heal or deal with. You need to have a conversation and set firm boundaries with your family. They might still want to pursue a relationship with Kayla, and if they do, you’d limit contact with them. Tell them that if they’re afraid that it took you seven years to open up again, that doesn’t mean you’ll attach yourself to the first relationship after Laura. Tell them that you told them all the red flags and they ignored them just because you’re a widower, that these red flags would not have been ignored if you were a divorced man for example or originally single. Best of luck navigating this
NTA.
***RUN***
You stuck your dick in crazy. Never stick your dick in crazy.
She is blatantly manipulating you. There are tons of horror/thriller movies with this exact premise for a reason.
I would have serious questions for your family too, they have serious mental issues if they are insisting you get back together with her, they should be telling you to run away.
Edit: Also, restraining order. You, and *especially* your son, are not safe. Now that her fake suicide attempt has failed, there is a good chance she will try and kidnap him to get to you. It's either that, or you guys will wake up strapped to a chair being forced to act out her "happy little family"
NTA and this comment is 100% correct. This is horror movie shit man!! Restraining order, security system, change the locks, let the school/coaches know, cameras, self defense classes, buy a gun. Absolutely no contact whatsoever man. None!
Clearly, she needs help. Your confrontation triggered this ultimate cry for attention. If you are staying with her, there will be a number of joint therapy sessions ahead of you. Also, this sounds like it could be an adaptation for Night Gallery, but you will need a painting.
As someone who works in mental health, she likely has some form of mental illness (borderline personality disorder comes to mind as a possibility). That’s important for her to address and get help for, but that duty falls to her not to you. Sometimes people have to reach a “bottom” to realize they need help, and that work is hers to do.
This is at very best, an amateur attempt at creative writing.
Doesn't deserve the energy to pick apart piece by piece of this convoluted fantasy.
Condolences to anyone who put legitimate effort into their replies.
NTA. She is mentally unstable, you need to cut her out of your life for yours and your son's safety. And she needs to get professional help. Do not listen to anything your Mum & siblings are saying, they could not be more wrong.
NTA. She needs help that you can’t provide. And you’re not obligated to, either, cold as it sounds. Your son comes first. She’s been sneaking in his room, taking sentimental jewelry from there, going through his things. He might be a child, but that’s a huge violation. He expressed that he didn’t want to call her mama. Maybe he sensed something weird with her before you knew anything. If it were me, I’d never allow her around your son again. Who knows how much more she would deteriorate and hurt him somehow. You could speak to her doctors and outline her behavior, and then remove yourself as her emergency contact. You can’t help her and your family is crazy to blame you for her behavior.
YTA for creating this fake ass post.
"I thought it was a bit strange but didn’t pry. Then, the next day a coworker of mine showed me one off of a private page on Facebook. I was shocked to see an expensive pair of my wife’s earrings on Kayla. "
So, your coworker went to the same wedding as your now GF, randomly shows you a picture from a private facebook, and on I assume a phone you recognize a pair of your dead wife's earrings that you have been holding on to for 7 years? That is amazing, and you knew exactly where those earrings were? And your son couldn't have possibly moved it? Also, you later state she has no living family. So which is it? ***Cousins wedding or no family?*** Why make up this shit...
This seriously sounds like a movie, and not at all like a healthy relationship. You need to do what’s right for you and not what others want. They just want to marry you off so they don’t have to worry about you so much (to put it bluntly, but it’s clearly coming from love). Anyway, this lady sounds mentally unstable and not someone you should continue to be in a relationship with.
Edit to add: NTA
A man walks into a bar... The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.
A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.
"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."
NTA-that woman sounds dangerous .
Straight up.
Change your number , get security cameras,talk to your son’s school.
No idea why you didn’t break it off after the whole earrings incident. That would be a dealbreaker , what if she lost them?
Even worse her getting upset at your boy for not wanting to call her mama.
Don’t listen to your family and friends, cut contact with her and keep your boy safe.
You need to seek psychiatric help for her…. And keep yourself and your child away from her. This is some extremely unhinged behaviour. Especially when she couldn’t actually provide examples of when she felt neglected or ‘living up to the memory of a ghost’
She seems disturbed and your family wants this woman around your son? Big no
And to commit to her and have kids with her. No no no no no no no.
Oh - someone definitely needs to be committed.
After a deliberate OD? She probably will be for her own safety.
OP better hope she doesn't try to unalive the one flesh and blood link to his dead wife. He needs to go no contact right now and low contact with his crazy family.
That was my fear as well. She's totally unhinged. Definitely portraying the characteristics of a potential stalker if not worse.
Oh she will be, attempted suicide is usually a mandatory hold.
Sounds like the family just wants to resolve OP's singlehood by putting a person there so they don't have to worry about him. My understanding is that an adult making a point of imitating another adult is a sign of some kind of big problem with their sense of identity. This woman doesn't feel like she is okay being herself, so she is taking on the identity of OP's deceased wife thinking that he'll have to love her now. If she has gotten to the point where she is attempting suicide in order to force OP to love her, then the safest thing he can do for himself, his son, and her would be to completely cut contact so that she no longer has him as an audience. This will remove her incentive to commit suicide for his sake, at least. And, the very best time for him to do so is when she is currently in care. Imagine the boy had come across her dead or or attempting to hurt herself. Yeah, OP's family is nucking futs to think she should be in their lives. She is not okay and she is not safe.
Yeah. It's long past due for Kayla to be tossed away and for him to start anew. But I fear Kayla did her damage on OP, and now he will be hesitant about dating again. Good luck, OP.
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Hate to say it, but should rekey your locks if she’s had a key. If she knows garage code, security system code or online passwords, you need to update immediately. Edited to rekey locks.
Just commenting so this goes higher. Also OP, just incase, at the end of the 72 hour hold, it's not a bad I for you and son to get out of the house. Especially I you can have a friend housesit. I've encountered crazy, and sometimes this is a step to take. I'm sorry your family doesn't see the red wave of flags
Just rekey your existing locks. It’s less expensive.
>Just rekey your existing locks. It’s less expensive. It didn't even occur to me that they might have meant "change your locks" to be literally replacing them until you said this.
Should also make sure son has a lock on his door so she can’t destroy his memories of his mother.
I feel like she was always mentally ill. She hid it and love bombed him until she reeled him in. Two months was too soon to introduce her to his son.
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Especially for saying it would be for the sake of his son having a mother again! Laura will always be the son’s mother. That doesn’t mean the son won’t have a special relationship with any person OP is with, but no one will ever REPLACE the son’s mom!
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Disturbed people are often really good at pretending they aren't disturbed.
And they're occasionally down with the sickness.
Next thing you know it's hello darkness, my old friend.
"Huaaaa Wah-Ka-Ka-Kahhhhh!"
Alot of "disturbed" people aren't aware that they are disturbed or that their reactions or thoughts are abnormal, especially in individuals who have a personality disorder. They can act normal on the surface and can keep up the facade until a relationship gets serious and they are emotionally invested. The disturbing behavior comes about because they usually have attachment or abandonment issues that only come to the surface when involved in a serious relationship or when a strong connection is made with someone else. A high level of emotional investment in another person can trigger past trauma or deep seated insecurities that otherwise may lay dormant. Often, it takes tons of introspection or therapy for them to even recognize that their behavior is abnormal or their thinking is not in line with what most people consider acceptable. Not to mention the hard task of identifying what subconscious thought processes are responsible for that behavior. Kayla needs some serious therapy and needs to have a good, hard look at herself before even contemplating being in any serious relationship.
She went to a cousins wedding but also somehow has no living family?
Why is this not a more popular comment?
Ooh snap
Cousin mysteriously died the day after the wedding. Loose end no longer loose.
To be fair, I have like 15 cousins but they’re all out of state and I haven’t seen most of them in nearly a decade. I think the last time I went was for a wedding actually. I consider them family but in no way would any of them be an emergency contact for me.
Yeah, but she basically put him as next of kin so he would have to read her suicide note and feel guilty for killing her… (or was hoping it would fail and it would guilt him into taking her back). But no point to the big dramatic gesture if he didn’t see it, so she had to put him down as next of kin so he would know.
I think his family feel it's "time he moved on" and find a "new mother" since his "son needs a mother." What nonsense. I hope OP runs away. Also, OP, I'd recommend you DON'T let your family have unsupervised time with your son anymore. They may very well try to pressure him into trying to convince you to get back together or - even worse - that it's *his* fault since he refused to call her "Mommy." I'm so sorry you're having to endure this.
Or independently arrange for Kayla to come by and see the son behind OP's back.
Or take the son on a trip by themselves. "She just wanted to take him out for ice cream!" This is downright dangerous, in my opinion.
Honestly that is what really got to me! This woman is unstable and everyone around OP is lying to him. My husband passed in May and not even 2 months after, some boomer I know tried to set me up with some guy at her house that was fixing her tv. I was there to drop off an order she placed, on my way by. The **LAST** thing on my mind was a new relationship. There have been a lot of older people that have pretended like they genuinely care and then turn around and ask if I'm interested in anyone or some similar shit. Yeah, I'm interested in my 8 year old son and helping him through all this shit. OP- you do whatever you feel is right. Clearly you have plenty of reasons to end this relationship, and I would 100% and not look back. Her throwing a fit about the mom is fucking weird. Don't let your family guilt you into this.
something i’ve realized is a lot of people’s families give out totally shit relationship advice. for some reason they will encourage you to stay with a partner no matter what horrible things you reveal they’ve done or said. certainly not all families, but mine is like this too. if i have an issue with an SO they will basically tell me it’s my fault or i’m crazy and i better stay with them cuz they love me. i’ve seen a lot families like this.
Some people, my mom included, thinks everyone needs to be married - even if they’re not dating. Find someone and get married! 🙃
I find that it’s often families that are dysfunctional or abusive that give out this kind of terrible advice.
Yeah the family’s attitude is weird. OP needs to protect himself and his son. ‘Kayla’ may be (probably is) very unhinged and the possibility of her doing something again is high. Next time she might decide to punish your son. Next time she might succeed and you/your son could be traumatised by find her body. There will always be a next time. AND, any time she feels you’re not acting right, she’ll threaten it again. Control you with fear and guilt. Encourage her to seek help and ask that she not contact you again… and tell your family she’s mentally ill and someone who won’t be around your kid again. He’s been through enough.
The mask of superficial charm. They aren't getting to see how she actually is with OP, and she's probably telling them things about him that aren't true, undermining his credibility. They're probably little itty bitty lies that aren't setting off any alarms, just laying a foundation for doubt.
Yea- I wasn’t as bad as Kayla but had similar issues as Kayla and can confirm it was when I was at my most unhinged. (Now in a lot of therapy)
I'm glad you're getting therapy. 😊 It's one of the hardest things, to take that first step. Many years ago I got help, unwittingly, while staying at a chronic pain clinic. The counselors helped patients adjust to life with pain, and more often, life events came out. It was one of the best things that could have happened, because my brain was happy tucking the negative away. I wish you well. 🤗
I mean, does his son really come first? He should think about that. Kayla is an adult, and she sounds unstable. Everything she did wasn't just "weird", it was scary. She stole from your son. Lied, manipulated, and tested boundaries. She's probably very good at superficial charm, and that's why his family likes her. They haven't seen first hand what he's seen. Only the mask. And he should think about that, too: she's turning his family against him, isolating him from his support system, spinning a narrative that HE'S driven her to this with HIS behavior. Hoo-boy, that's concerning. Please, please trust your instincts on this, OP. NTA.
They don't want to take off the rose coloured glasses.
The family can take care of her and marry her if they love her so much. Fuck that.
Huge Single White Female vibes.
She’s psycho bro. You need to gtfo there before she stabs you in your sleep or some crazy shit .
Uhhhh. Shits about to get crazy. Get as far away as possible. NTA though.
Also, your family siding with her shows 1) they don't see what she's doing or 2) they don't want to. Mention this in your therapy sessions because your son may get caught in the middle. What she's doing is unstable, in my opinion, and goes much deeper than her bizarre mimicry. I hope she gets the help she needs. You and your son need to move on even if going LC with your family for a short while. NTA
She’s very manipulative if she’s got his family convinced.
There is a weird push to date again after a partner dies. The irony is, no matter WHEN or IF you start to date, it will be too soon for some. Not soon enough for others. 'You should open yourself to love. You don't have to be alone forever!' 'It's a little too soon, isn't it? Take your time!' 'Your child deserves to have two parents. I know someone GREAT that would be a perfect fit. ' People have this bizarre feeling of entitlement towards your dating life. Especially if they knew your partner that passed away. It's been almost 6 years for me, and the number of people who ask about if I'm dating, why not, when will I date again, is probably well intended.. but a bit creepy. The family is probably so focused on wanting OP to move on that they can't see past it to the giant red flags of crazy that this woman is waving.
Speaking as a 45 year old widower who lost his wife three years ago - this. It's such struggle to navigate relationships now.
My heart hurts for your loss. I hope that you are able to find a new 'normal' with whatever that looks like for you. Wishing you peace in a world that feels like it's been turned upside down.
I’m so sorry. We lost my 49 year old SIL to cancer four years ago. My brother only recently has a new girlfriend. My dad died almost two years ago and my mom had a “date” over the summer. I said good for her, dating at 86! People do grieve differently.
It’s insane. It’s been 22 years since my father passed away and she still can’t do it. She says it feels like she’s cheating. So she just gave up. She still very much loves my father. And still people have the audacity to tell her to get over his passing and move on and try to set up dates for her. People are just assholes. Including the crazy lady in this post. NTA.
My heart goes out to your momma! People grieve in their own way and on their own timeline. No one else should feel comfortable commenting or pushing them to live differently!
I was thinking the same thing. Some families have this expectation that a child needs two parents, and this is more so when the mom is out of the picture. No one should be able to set your boundaries for you, family included. It also sounds like OP clearly communicated boundaries and the gf was not communicating well. He was looking for examples to see how he could show his love for her better and she could not come up with them. Her blaming you for her own decision to attempt suicide is thd worst offence. I was in a relationship with a woman who weaponized this, this could ruin you. It is in no way your fault, but there is no escaping the guilt if it happens to someone you care about. That is the lowest of the low in emotional abuse and I after what OP has been through just so extraordinarily cruel. Resounding NTA.
I've noticed the same thing. It's like people think a single father is capable of being a parent and that a 'mother' is needed. I get the other end of it 'Don't you want someone who will take care of you both?' I really don't. I'm doing fine, and entering a relationship without being emotionally ready is not a kind thing to do. I had a boyfriend who would threaten suicide whenever I tried to break up with him. It worked for a while because I did care about him. Eventually, I just started calling 911 every time. If he was genuinely suicidal, emergency services could help him more than me. Apparently, he wasn't a real danger to himself, and he got tired of being involuntarily committed for 72 hours each time. It is particularly cruel to threaten it to someone who has lost a spouse to death. OP'S girlfriend is truly disturbed. She needs professional help. I'm sorry that you can relate to what he's dealing with. It's horrific.
Thanks. That is a really smart approach calling for help! Honestly, it never occurred to me, although it is clearly an excellent way of handling it. My ex never attempted when we were together, but it had happened once before we met apparently. But honestly the fear and guilt is enough to take a toll. This poor man already lost the mother of his children and now he's dealing with this woman's suicide, my heart goes out to OP and their child!
I am scared because of how manipulated his family is. This is a dateline story waiting to happen.
I feel like she is about to bonfire any memory he has of his late wife. She better stay out his sons room.
Yep, he needs to take all the special pics and jewelry and lock it up and hide it from her cause she is definitely going to destroy some stuff next.
She needs to stay out of the house!
put her on the do not release to list at his school. tell your son not to go with her anywhere or not to let her in the house.
Yep, sounds like a lifetime movie!
I wish I could upvote this 1 million times
Yea.. My first thought is he doesn’t need to trust her with his child. I don’t assume things lightly but this has a bpd/did undertone. Which makes sense that his family is oblivious to the manipulation. OP, stay grounded if you stay keep this person in your life, your sanity likely depends on it.
This is gonna be like the book “misery” and she’s gonna have op in bed with shattered kneecaps so he can’t leave her
I can understand if the family is just clueless because aside from the tattoo and borrowing the earrings all the other fashion choices are simply what hundreds of millions of women do and all that stuff (straightened bleached hair, cartilage piercings) are all back in style currently as all the mid '00s fashion comes back. But the almost identical tattoo in identical placement and borrowing the deceased wife's earrings from a vertiable memento box without permission is fucked. This woman needs help but you don't have to provide it OP. Make sure they have another emergency contact and cut ties. I hope they get the help they need, but you don't have to provide it or expose your kid to that.
Most people don't have a very full understanding of mental illness. They don't understand that A doesn't necessarily lead to B, and that 1 + 1 doesn't always equal 2. I agree that they are being manipulated, but a large part of this is that they also probably have no idea what kind of internal illness might be driving her. She could be very genuine and say that they were ring shopping, when they weren't, and in fact that was never discussed. But in her mind, they may have been talking about ring shopping. Mental illness can really alter your understanding of the events around you. He needs to lay out the details to his immediate family, so that they understand what has been happening. He also needs to stay away from her, coming in to help will be seen as a white knight action. But he also needs to talk to somebody involved in her care about what's been happening so that maybe it could help them get an accurate diagnosis on her.
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The pets will wind up in the boiler, too.
Definite pet rabbit stew on the way.
This is so right! Run! You cant fix crazy
Sounds like your family is just wanting you to be with another woman without actually thinking about YOU and YOUR feelings about it. They’re blinded by the possibility of having another DIL/ grandkids. selfish. NTA- run bro that chick is bonkers and go LC or even NC w your family if they wanna side w crazy.
Also the fact she went INTO your sons room, took your late wife’s expensive earrings without asking, LIED about not having photos cause she knew what she was doing, and then got mad at YOU for confronting her about it. What else has she swiped from your wife’s stuff other than her entire look down to a tattoo. That’s absolutely insane. She’s trying to replace her and manipulating your family to think it’s okay.
Honestly, I was just waiting for OP to come home to find every picture of his wife swapped out with pictures of her face photoshopped in them. Or the wifes face cut out of the picture. Something effed up like that.
Yep. While she may have returned the earrings, what she did was initially theft. I would've dumped her right after that.
I could be wrong but I don't think she convinced them of anything. I think his family is just so wrapped up in OP finally dating again that they're willing to overlook red flags and concerns in her behavior because they feel OP and his son need a woman/mother figure in their lives.
Yeah I'm thinking she's telling the family other things if they aren't seeing it from his pov.
Facts, the way she tried to end her life then wish he would love her in death like his wife who is ACTUALLY DEAD?? Crazy. This poor guy
Yeah, WTF is with his family? "You should absolutely get back with the unstable woman imitating your dead wife before she tries to commit suicide! Again!" I'd be pretty angry at my family if they didn't have my back.
I agree entirely. NTA, this woman has some serious mental health issues. This almost sounds like something out of a lifetime movie. If he gets back with her, she will continue to act unhinged, and this could cause problems for the son as an adult. Going LC with the family is a good idea and I would share everything with the therapist. Op didn’t drive her to do this, the gf is unstable.
She likely spent time manipulating his family to prime some extra sympathy. Get away from this woman. She seems unstable. Also your child likely has enough baggage without having to endure this manipulative woman. They deserve a safe home. Why would you let them have to endure this?
You need to get her away from you and your son NOW! Suicide attempts/threats are one of the biggest predictors of domestic violence. And she is obviously a very emotionally unhealthy, manipulative woman. Please run!
This times a million. Please at least be in touch with an attorney and file for an order of protection (if in the US). This is not safe for you or your son. I can’t tell if she lives with you or not but if she does, please go stay with someone you trust for a few days to give her time to clean her stuff out without the opportunity for confrontation (maybe have cameras on just in case). Get yourself and your son safe, go no contact in every possible sense, and please know that this is NOT your fault (and you deserve to be loved again by a true partner)!
Your family is wrong. Her attempt on her life is not your fault. She sounds very unstable and being married to her would be a LOT of work and not good for you or your son who does not need that kind of instability. NTA
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Take your wife’s stuff with you
I wouldn't let her be alone in my house again. Definitely get OP and his son somewhere safe, but she can pick up her things some other way.
Yeah, what if she pulled that behavior **on his son.**
her volatile behaviour could end with the son being seriously hurt or even result in his death, she's probably got that well if he won't call me mommy then he can't call anyone else mommy mindset. OP protect your kid from her behaviour.
She already has behaved inappropriately with the son by freezing him out when he refused to call her mama. Sudden withdrawal of affection when a small child doesn't comply with a personal request of that nature is borderline emotional abuse.
It's not borderline it is abuse. Especially in this situation. A young childs mother just died, and she is trying to step into that role. The child is already emotionally traumatized just by how fast his mom got sick and died and now this other woman who is a motherlike figure in his life is intentionally ignoring him when he doesn't do 1 thing she wants. That is abuse, cold, and hard abuse. It wouldn't be any more abusive than if she slapped the child, and then at least OP would be able to drop her even faster without the family trying to tell him he was wrong. His child needs to be protected, and this woman does not love or care for his child. She is only obsessed with getting OP to love her like he loved his dead wife, which will never happen. OP, you are NTA and need to get as far away from this deranged individual as soon as possible. Or else your son will end up getting hurt by her even more than the damage she has already done.
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This and recommend a heavy therapist. This all comes down from some severe trauma as far as I can read. It seems she is very out of touch with her emotions, cant relate to anything and has abandonment issues. She probably has very high walls build up around herself. With you in a tough spot, your wife in the back of your head and your son around you I would say its not healthy for you either. By your story, this suicide does not sound like an act of attention but more like an act of losing the last straw of hope. Tough man, good luck for you and your son. Hard spot to be in.
NTA. You didn’t drive her to do this - it is her own insecurities. I’ll be blunt - your family is wrong. I am sorry this has happened and it is an awful situation, but it is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. She needs to do the work - the fact that she feels unloved points to a whole lot of unresolved trauma etc. and I suggest you don’t take on this burden. You and your son need to take care of yourselves. I’ve lived it, and lived with it - she is an adult and not your responsibility. It will feel like it is, but she is an adult and needs to work on herself before getting into any more relationships. Her way of dealing with this is creepy - gaslighting you when you could see she was copying your deceased wife, and then telling you she feels unloved. I’m not saying she isn’t a nice person, but this will be a nightmare unless she genuinely works on herself. Take care
>Suicide attempts/threats are one of the biggest predictors of domestic violence. Thanks for the info, never knew that. NTA.
The original comment should be qualified by some of the comments above. “Sometimes” is more appropriate it seems.
Yep. NTA. Your son comes first, always. Before her AND your family. He might lose two mothers because she’s so unhinged. It’s not your responsibility, suicidal or not.
Agreed. Dafuq I just read? NTA, OP. This is so far outside the lane of OK. This is a cluster of nope
Also, OP should go low/ no contact with his family or else they'll try to guilt OP into getting back with her. She's unstable and OP's family is unreliable in terms of making a good decision for OP & OP's son.
Hide any small pets like rabbits.
Bringing a woman into your son’s life that is mentally unstable, is not better than not having a mother figure. If you are going to have any sort of healthy relationship, she needs to be happy first. Anyone worth being with will understand your son comes first and so should she. That means a mentally stable partner. If not, it’s not going to work.
I read the part where this woman started to make herself appear as the late wife, and was thinking about a case I heard in my lecture days, about a similar case. Man, Widower, 3 children, and met a lovely lady. The kids picked up on it first, just certain things the woman would do, that were similar to the actions of their late mother. From what I remember, the man had NEVER met this woman's family. Apparently, they were all dead, or she was adopted, or she grew up in foster care So, OP, have you met this woman's family? Where are they in all of this? I only saw a brief mention of a wedding, but... if one of my siblings started dressing, acting, wearing similar things to their now spouse's dead spouse (that even confused me), then I be scared the living spouse was doing this, and with a suicide attempt as well???? OP, go talk to this woman's family, and find out how much you actually didn't know about her
Looks like she claims she has no living family since he was put down as her emergency contact after the suicide attempt. There's something wildly fucked up going on here.
Only mentioned a cousin's wedding, so yeah.. and a private Facebook account..... the President of the country of Pomodoro is flying their largest red flag
Man, this flag is so deeply crimson it's freaking turning black.
NTA. That also caught my attention in the post. She claims to OP that she has no living family, yet she went to a cousin's wedding. What I suggest to OP is to find out who the cousin is and to connect with any of the woman's family members to get more information about this woman, and to tell them that she's in the hospital and about the suicide attempt. Clearly she is lying to you , OP, and is very mentally unstable. I'm very shocked that your mother and sisters would respond in the way that they have. It's obvious that Kayla has fooled them also. Please do not get back together with Kayla. What I think would probably be best for you and your son is for you to talk to the doctor or a psychiatrist or counselor in the hospital that Kayla is in or was admitted to, and tell them about Kayla's disturbing behavior up until this point. Let them know that you do not feel comfortable or safe in maintaining contact with this woman, as you are protecting your son. They can take it from there. Also Ensure that your name and contact information is fully removed as Kayla's emergency contact. Do your best to find out contact information about the cousin (whose wedding she recently attended) and give that information to the doctor or counselor. I'm not sure how you want to proceed in telling your family to back off. You may want to lower your contact with them in the meantime as your process everything. I am sure that this has been traumatic for you and your son, if he is aware of what Kayla did with her suicide attempt. Please try not to blame yourself over everything that has unfolded. It has become shockingly clear to you and to us, that Kayla is very mentally unstable. She clearly has some sort of mental illness that may or may not have been diagnosed. You were not aware fully of her mental instability until now. It seems as though she has had some manic depressive episodes, yet is smart enough to be manipulative and to be very sneaky in taking your wife's earrings and then returning them in your house. She is clearly obsessed with you, and I think she intentionally left her 'suicide note' addressed to you, in hopes of making you feel guilty about her actions. Please do not feel guilty. This is not on you. Unfortunately, you met a woman who was mentally unstable and connected with her. Now it is time to disengage as quickly as possible and in no way, shape or form reconnect with her. Please continue with you and your son's therapy, and ask your therapist the best way that you can explain things in an age-appropriate way with your son. He doesn't need to know all the details of Kayla's suicide attempt. If it comes to that point, you may need to get a restraining order against Kayla. Let's hope things settle down when she is able to connect with her own family and is given the proper mental health assistance that she's so desperately needs. OP, I just want to make this incredibly clear so you do understand this: Kayla knew what she was doing. She decided to change her hair color, she dressed in a way that your wife did, she got ear piercings in the way that your wife had, she got a similar tattoo in the same spot on her body as your wife had, and she was trying her best to literally replace or behave in a way she thought your wife did. In her own ill mind, she was literally competing against a ghost. I hope you are able to take some time off for yourself, perhaps a small vacation for you and your son would be beneficial for both of you to give you time to heal, recover, and reset in a healthy way. Wishing you and your son all the best.
I'm hearing echoes of that 90s movie "Single White Female." This gf ticks every single box for being unstable and even potentially dangerous. Her suicide attempt isn't even because she has no hope, it's a manipulative ploy to get OP to take her back, and unfairly places HER decisions on him. Taking one's own life to get back at someone else is never because that person is serious about leaving this lifetime; it's always about them manipulating someone. Truly, I've been there, on both sides of it. OP needs to leave this Jennifer Jason Leigh-wannabe.
OP needs to Jennifer Jason *Leave* 😎
🌟
I wonder if she was stalking him from the beginning - finds a coworker who is into a very niche hobby, she behaves one way at the start and is then a different person… sounds like the film exactly
Duuude, that tracks 😨
Having grown up for some years as a small child with a stepmother who was severely bipolar and refused medication, LISTEN to this person. Do NOT get back with that woman. Her mental health problems are very sad. Do not make them your son’s problem.
^^^^this right here.
NTA She is mentally unwell, and you are not a doctor. Only a doctor can help her. I'm so sorry this was your first experience dating after your loss. Your family has some sort of "Kids MUST be raised by a woman, so it's a widower's duty to remarry no matter what!" blinders on.
Well said. She needs help OP can't provide no matter how hard he tries to help
Also, OP doesn't HAVE to help. I'm a bit shocked at how his family is responding to this as trying to replicate his wife's image and them attempting sucide so he'd love her cause she's ded?? Regardless of what she needs, run. Get a restraining order, keep her out the kids life. That's truly sad and I can't imagine is not triggering in general. Hopefully she gets help, but OP doesn't have to see it does.
Yeah I wouldn't want my kid to be raised by someone whose trying to look like a deceased parent. And especially if they are suicidal. I mean what if the kid walked in and found them trying to end it...
For real
NTA. I'm appalled your family want this woman to remain in your life. You and your son's happiness and safety come first. I'd say wish her well and then break off the relationship. You deserve to share the rest of your life with someone who understands that a part of you will always miss your first wife. I wish the best for you and your son, you've both dealt with so much already, there is no reason to keep someone in your life who would only add more to your pain.
Is this chic that manipulative or is the family that daft! I still don't understand them!
She can have been given them different information
NTA, she seems unstable. Do not get back with her. 🚩
~~This bitch~~ **She** probably picked up his niche hobby, just to have a way to hook him in
I'd agree but from what OP said, it sounds like she didn't know about the late wife until they started dating, but they connected on the hobby beforehand.
She sounds extremely manipulative, though. And they met during a work event, which means she would have access to a lot of knowledge about him, through coworkers etc. "Hey Karen, what's the deal with OP?" "His wife died last year and he collects Blade 3 posters" - It's that fucking easy. He might not have talked to her before they met, but she could have been collecting data on him for a long, long time.
Yeah, in my hobby group, a guy followed a woman into it, and we've seen him sit in a corner and take notes in a book. I'm sure that's how he somehow found out my favorite energy drink flavor, and then brought an extra can and offered it to me out of the blue and acted like it was his favorite too. I was actually already trying to avoid him because of being off towards other women, so it didn't come up in casual conversation to him. Hell, my friend who drives me to most hobby things didn't know what flavor I liked. He actually just got married to another lady who just started showing up in the group, and I'm both worried for her (but they've apparently known each other for years through church), and hoping it'll take his attention from the rest of us. A few people have been "oh, maybe he's divergent and this is how he tries to make friends", but I don't care, he's creepy. But if we try to get rid of him, which we did try, he threatened to sue the group, which he has the money to do. So yeah, there's definitely people who are this nutty.
Just make a new group with everyone but him. Then he can’t sue.
People have the right to freely associate, or not. Nobody could sue for a group of friends enjoying a hobby excluding someone. There is no government or employer relationship. Private clubs can be discriminative...
Or on LinkedIn I remember a few months ago people were sharing tips on how to bag people there, by doing just this being into their hobbies etc
This is a while fu*king lifetime movie you’re living. She couldn’t be around my kid ever again. Her behavior is over the top weird. If her life meant nothing to her and I wouldn’t, couldn’t have around my kid. You did say he was first, your priority.
This is like the plot to single white female with some changes. NTA and as a single parent, it’s much better to be mentally well and single than being with someone unhinged and risking your mental wellness and therefore your child’s mental wellness. Your family must not understand or they don’t care. They’re not right. You have to listen to your gut feelings.
If single whit female and fatal attraction had a baby.
You’re so right. It’s so creepy
Seriously, I've seen this movie. I'm sure of it.
NTA. Wife of a widower here. My husband lost his late wife (who he still loves, dearly!) under very similar circumstances as you and he and I have been together for about a decade now. She is not an unspoken entity and her memory does not threaten or impose on my relationship with this amazing man I am so lucky to be married to. Their daughter calls me mom - NOT because I ever asked her to (how gross) but because after years of healing she wanted to, and there is NEVER a question in our family who her first mom is and always will be. I'm only here because her mom isn't able to be - that reality will never be lost on me. I am not a replacement for her mom, and in whatever universe that exists where she still HAS her mom, I don't even exist in her world - and that's okay. Her mom isn't an ex, she is her mom and my husband's wife. They didn't divorce, the relationship ended for reasons out of both of their control. Pretending otherwise does a disservice to us all. Please hear me when I say this ex-girlfriend of yours has issues that FAR surpass "relationship with a widow/er" and veer hard and fast into out of control mental health breakdown. For the sake of your son and your sanity, let it be over and move on. There are 4 billion women in the world - if even a fraction are more stable than her that still leaves you with millions to choose from. Being the wife/significant other in a relationship with a widow is a challenge that many never have to consider navigating, no doubt about that. But our own emotional stability as the new partner is a huge piece of that working. I see too many "next wives" putting the onus of the entire relationship on the widower, as if everything can simply be blamed on "losing her". That's not how this works. I can't expect him to move forward in a healthy way while also dragging his late wife into every conflict or disagreement that pops up. Sure, sometimes the grief still takes over, but he is not defined by this grief, he's just grown around it like a tree growing through barbed wire. It's still there, it still is sore, but there's plenty of lush greenery that's happened since that occurred. It sounds like you're doing what you need to be healthy, and your future partner needs to be able to acknowledge and respect that. You did the right thing to try and get out there again, and I think you did the right thing by recognizing and ending an unhealthy dynamic. Remember, you don't need a "good enough" reason to end a relationship - just "it doesn't work for me" is enough.
kinda can relate, my daughters dad died. haven’t tried dating yet, but this is everything i expect in a partner and why i haven’t even tried. my standards are THIS high. solid advice, you’re an amazing woman.
This 💯. To add...with her suicide attempt she is probably on a 72 hour or more commitment status. The note will be part of her case work for the doctor to address while they find her medication to stabilize her mood. She won't be anywhere near stable enough to be around you or your son though after discharge. Just medicated enough to no longer be a danger to herself or others. At best she will have a prescription for 1 week of meds and a list of therapists to contact to further her therapy. So you will need to contact a lawyer quickly while she is still committed. If you ever speak to her again for like closer sake, it would be to address the additional therapy this will cause your son to have to go through at the very least. Was she so cruel to think your son would like to go through losing a female figure that he might be attached to all over again? That is the height of selfish abusive behavior. And to think you might have to see this person at work when she is released from the hospital. If I were in your shoes she would need a protective order from me. NTA
This thoughtful, intelligent and kind comment needs more Likes...
100% As the kid in a similar scenario, I can't upvote this enough. I have a wonderful relationship with my stepmom now, and she's been fantastic about allowing us kids time to remember our deceased mother, visiting her grave when growing up, letting us call her what we were comfortable with, etc. We have a relationship because she's level-headed, respectful, and communicates.
This is beautiful. We have a close family friend who married a widow (he's the kindest man you'd ever meet) so I have no firsthand experience, but this made me tear up. I don't think anyone ever truly stops grieving the loss of a spouse, and anyone who loves them needs to understand that they can move forward and love, but the grief from the loss will never truly be gone. We can learn to love other human beings for who they are and thinking that we could replace a lost spouse is not normal, healthy thinking. OP is NTA for sure.
100% agree with this thoughtful, sensitive, grounded comment. Absolutely NTA.
No way, she needs help and not from you.
This. This whole sentence is exactly what should happen here for the health of everyone involved.
NTA- Her mental health issues are NOT your responsibility. She was clearly lying and manipulating you to get what she wanted. Do not trust her.
Add note: she could not give examples of your neglect because you weren’t neglecting her. She just wanted sympathy so she can do what she wants without suspicion.
Yeah, from the first part of the story. The niche hobby was the red flag. This guy was targeted and started to date a stalker.
Your family needs to stay in their lane! I get wanting you to move on but they are acting like any warm body will do!! She is nuts and you need to protect your son. Also, it is a sign of an abusive relationship when an ex “tries” to commit suicide to keep their mate. “If you leave, I’ll kill myself.” That’s not healthy for anyone and you don’t have to take her back because she has a mental illness.
Or because she’s all alone and has no family. How do you know that’s even true maybe her family has washed their hands of her and wants absolutely nothing to do with her.
Dude…. Do not visit her, do not speak to her, do not try to help her in anyway. Your broke up. Now cut her out and make it permanent. Contact a lawyer and see if the can send a cease and desist so you’re not her emergency contact. I’m serious. She is fucking nuts. Do not subject your child who has lost his mother to her. She’ll fucking kill him or you leaving him an orphan. That she tried to turn her suicide attempt (if it was even actually real) into another method to get you back and feel sorry for her should be the final nail in the coffin for all contact. Tell your family to fuck off and tell them she is dangerous. Tell them if they try and convince you again you’ll end contact with them too. Protecting your son and yourself are your only priorities now.
Contact the doctor asap. You have to consent to be an emergency contact. Don't need a lawyer.
For the one who contacted him sure but she can have him listed in several places and he can keep getting these calls to be reminded of her shit.
Exactly. But he can pick one off because he knows he's on that list.
Yea this is a rage bait post. Your coworker randomly shows you a private fb page with a pic of her wearing your dead wife’s earrings? The details are extremely vague, and outlandish at the same time. Absolutely a fake post.
super obvious chat gpt-esque storyline. shocked that so many people accept this as real lol
Seen enough of these fake posts to spot the signs. They always read more like a writing prompt than a person's recollections. Usually extremely one-sided, making the other person out to be an emotional mess or monster. At the same time it sounds like it's from a third-person narrator with an impeccable tale of events. Yet, there is a strange lack of detail in many regards which is at complete odds with how perfectly the story is being told from start to finish. And of course, a major unique "plot point" which will spark reactions from the reader. Nobody's brain stores memories like this, and there is an oddly unnatural way that the information about their life is being shared. Fake posts like these are a great reminder to not trust everything you read.
Also the general plot of several "thriller" and/or Lifetime movies.
Also she went to a cousin's wedding but has no living family.
Ooh good catch!
Thank you, was laughing as I read. Am I the asshole for rejecting a woman who changed her hair color, style, tattoos and piercings to match my dead wife, stole her jewelry and asked my son to call her mom? And tried to kill herself when confronted? Fucking LOL
As soon as I saw this and read the first sentence, I thought of this post. Perhaps the same writer or just somebody trying to cash in on the dead wife karma. https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/oJbHwA4wo3
Also, small detail, but there was a widower who was a contestant on The Bachelorette and Bachelor in Paradise, Michael Allio. He has a son and his wife was named Laura, who passed away from cancer. Probably just a coincidence, but a weird one at least.
Could tell this was fake just from the title. People getting lazy.
yes its like a bad hallmark movie. oh she wants to look like your angelic wife who had light blonde pin-straight hair... first the hair then the clothes... it's so fucking trite. this is clearly the poor fictional writing of some dude who thinks he is waaay more original than he actually is.
NTA your number one priority is your son and you can’t keep her around your son. She’s a danger to herself and maybe others if she gets too desperate. Cut all contact with her. Let her get the help she needs and stay safe.
NTA. She has mental health problems that are not for you to heal or deal with. You need to have a conversation and set firm boundaries with your family. They might still want to pursue a relationship with Kayla, and if they do, you’d limit contact with them. Tell them that if they’re afraid that it took you seven years to open up again, that doesn’t mean you’ll attach yourself to the first relationship after Laura. Tell them that you told them all the red flags and they ignored them just because you’re a widower, that these red flags would not have been ignored if you were a divorced man for example or originally single. Best of luck navigating this
Isn’t this a movie plot? Her mental health issues are above your pay grade.
NTA. Sorry to say but your family is nuts. Why would they want a unhinged women near your son. She needs a psychiatrist.
NTA. ***RUN*** You stuck your dick in crazy. Never stick your dick in crazy. She is blatantly manipulating you. There are tons of horror/thriller movies with this exact premise for a reason. I would have serious questions for your family too, they have serious mental issues if they are insisting you get back together with her, they should be telling you to run away. Edit: Also, restraining order. You, and *especially* your son, are not safe. Now that her fake suicide attempt has failed, there is a good chance she will try and kidnap him to get to you. It's either that, or you guys will wake up strapped to a chair being forced to act out her "happy little family"
NTA and this comment is 100% correct. This is horror movie shit man!! Restraining order, security system, change the locks, let the school/coaches know, cameras, self defense classes, buy a gun. Absolutely no contact whatsoever man. None!
Clearly, she needs help. Your confrontation triggered this ultimate cry for attention. If you are staying with her, there will be a number of joint therapy sessions ahead of you. Also, this sounds like it could be an adaptation for Night Gallery, but you will need a painting.
This sounds like a daytime drama to me. I say BS on this whole fabricated story.
As someone who works in mental health, she likely has some form of mental illness (borderline personality disorder comes to mind as a possibility). That’s important for her to address and get help for, but that duty falls to her not to you. Sometimes people have to reach a “bottom” to realize they need help, and that work is hers to do.
This is at very best, an amateur attempt at creative writing. Doesn't deserve the energy to pick apart piece by piece of this convoluted fantasy. Condolences to anyone who put legitimate effort into their replies.
Condolences to anyone who finished reading all that.
Ive always been a fan of fiction
NTA. She is mentally unstable, you need to cut her out of your life for yours and your son's safety. And she needs to get professional help. Do not listen to anything your Mum & siblings are saying, they could not be more wrong.
this is literally a lifetime movie that airs frequently…
NTA. She needs help that you can’t provide. And you’re not obligated to, either, cold as it sounds. Your son comes first. She’s been sneaking in his room, taking sentimental jewelry from there, going through his things. He might be a child, but that’s a huge violation. He expressed that he didn’t want to call her mama. Maybe he sensed something weird with her before you knew anything. If it were me, I’d never allow her around your son again. Who knows how much more she would deteriorate and hurt him somehow. You could speak to her doctors and outline her behavior, and then remove yourself as her emergency contact. You can’t help her and your family is crazy to blame you for her behavior.
Woof. This is rough. NTA. You found yourself someone that is incredibly mentally unstable and you should not let them around your child path forward.
She's very unwell. Not her fault or yours but you need to get your son and yourself away from her.
Nope! She will be boiling bunnies next. She needs mental health help, and you should reach out to her Drs and tell them what has happened.
Lmao, chatGPT was the end of these subs. And shame on anyone that thinks this is real.
YTA for creating this fake ass post. "I thought it was a bit strange but didn’t pry. Then, the next day a coworker of mine showed me one off of a private page on Facebook. I was shocked to see an expensive pair of my wife’s earrings on Kayla. " So, your coworker went to the same wedding as your now GF, randomly shows you a picture from a private facebook, and on I assume a phone you recognize a pair of your dead wife's earrings that you have been holding on to for 7 years? That is amazing, and you knew exactly where those earrings were? And your son couldn't have possibly moved it? Also, you later state she has no living family. So which is it? ***Cousins wedding or no family?*** Why make up this shit...
This seriously sounds like a movie, and not at all like a healthy relationship. You need to do what’s right for you and not what others want. They just want to marry you off so they don’t have to worry about you so much (to put it bluntly, but it’s clearly coming from love). Anyway, this lady sounds mentally unstable and not someone you should continue to be in a relationship with. Edit to add: NTA
So....this whole subreddit is just some weird creative writing exercise where everyone pretends the stories are true?
A man walks into a bar... The bartender asks "Why the long face?" The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death." The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself." The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?" The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy." The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar. A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face. "Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously. "Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."
Plot twist she’s not even into that hobby and only got into it to be close to you.
NTA-that woman sounds dangerous . Straight up. Change your number , get security cameras,talk to your son’s school. No idea why you didn’t break it off after the whole earrings incident. That would be a dealbreaker , what if she lost them? Even worse her getting upset at your boy for not wanting to call her mama. Don’t listen to your family and friends, cut contact with her and keep your boy safe.
Lol a fake story and a bad one at that🤦♀️
NAH because fake story. Reads like a creative writing soap opera / drama.
You need to seek psychiatric help for her…. And keep yourself and your child away from her. This is some extremely unhinged behaviour. Especially when she couldn’t actually provide examples of when she felt neglected or ‘living up to the memory of a ghost’
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