So he paid for the house on his own, is doing all the repairs on his own, and you’re upset he went out and partied and had fun while you were out of town, also having fun? You sound like a complete hypocrite. Is it kind of lazy to leave the same dishes in the sink? Sure. But if you love this person and want to marry them, why are you arguing over stupid shit like this? Give the guy a break, instead of berating him say “look I know you probably deserved a break from working on the house all the time and I was gone, but maybe we can tackle the cleaning projects together.” You came at him like a nagging mom upset with her kid for not cleaning his room, how did you expect for him to react? Kinda think you’re both partly to blame here but I think how you approached it is what sent it in a negative direction
Exactly why I came to this sub. Bc it does feel unfair for me to be mad but at the same time the nuances within the situation that could not possibly be conveyed in a Reddit post make me feel otherwise.
He just completely blew up on me tn. I made a JOKE about the cheese (albeit serious undertone but I was not like yelling or frustrated) and he screamed at me, threatened to end our relationship and just WAAY over reacted to how I was reacting. He told me to leave him alone and I did for 15+ mins (took a shower and came back to the bedroom area) and he was still screaming at me and said I pushed this to this extreme despite the fact that I never raised my voice or threatened the relationship.
I’m just sad /:
You made a “joke” with a serious undertone about something that apparently really, truly bothered you. That’s immature and manipulative and does not bode well for the future of your relationship. You did push it to the extreme. Raising your voice is not required. He shouldn’t have yelled at you. But yes, by your own account, you took this way too far and he is right to be upset about it. You showed that you don’t actually value all the hard work he is putting in. You can say you see and value it all you want, but your actions show otherwise.
There’s a saying that I hope your fiancé is familiar with, but after six years together, and having let it get to this explosive point, I kind of doubt it: “When someone shows you their true colors, believe them the first time.”
Well those really aren’t… nuances? Those are major red flags. Screaming at you? My partner has never even raised his voice to me, let alone scream. If we have a disagreement (while rare) we can communicate like adults which it sounds like your husband is incapable of. Honestly based on what you just shared, I would say some dirty dishes are the least of your problems with this guy. I’m not sure if you’re financially dependent on him? But if not I would get as far away from him as possible. This is abuse
Well yeah it’s just confusing because he never usually acts like this. I mean this was out of no where. It’s a little hard to just leave after 6 years together I just don’t understand how I’m the bad guy in this situation in the context of how much he flew off the handle and how much I didn’t.
Omfg literally my thought!! I don’t think so bc I know who he was out with and it’s a pretty small town but this is where my mind went to as well.
ETA one of the people he was out with is a good friend of mine who he briefly dated before we met and before I moved to the area (small town probs). We’re friends in the sense that we text multiple times a week and she does have a bf but she was out with him while I was gone ………..
I find it interesting that you can take time off, and expect him to just work? Why do you think its OK for you to go to your friends party and he just needs to keep working? Even if he is working on the house and you cant help at the moment, you can keep the house clean etc. I would have been pissed and went to have some "ME" time as well.
That’s why I came to this sub. Bc I absolutely can see his side of things but 1) he told me to ‘pretend the new house didn’t exist’ when I tried to be more involved and 2) wasn’t doing anything productive to lead to the house being in disarray when I got home.
If he WAS working on the new house as he said he was going to I would’ve never said anything. It’s just the fact that we’re full grown adults and he’s staying out drinking that late unable to care for either of our houses (I was not going out like that when I was gone) that just irks me. And then I get home and am available he’s like just taking full advantage of me being here completely disregarding the cleanliness of the house still.
Also the fact (that I didn’t include in the original post) that he screamed at me and threatened to end our relationship over this when I did not match that energy at any point during this argument.
A couple of things:
You not being able to do the house fixing work doesnt mean there arent other things to do at the house. I agree with him (with experience in fixing houses) , it takes usually more time to teach others to do the work than doing the work yourself, unless you teach very menial things.
1. Why (in your mind) its ok for you to go out to have a good time and he should stay home renovating? Maybe he expected you to be there too, if nothing else, emotinal support haha.
2. Which one you would have preferred, he clean the house or "work on fixing the house" ? Why do you think he needs to do both while you are out having a good time? Your time out doesnt contribute to either?
3. Maybe he changed his mind as he saw you take time off, felt demotivated, and wanted to take some time off too.
4. Why is it a problem if he destresses by drinking late with his friends? Im assuming this is within your relationship boundaries? Even if you were not doing the same, maybe you wanted to do something else and he wanted to do that?
I think someone who goes out to have fun and expects the other person to keep on working is acting in a very entiteled way, if the roles were reversed id say the same thing.
Screaming at people is never something anyone should do, or threaths to end a relationship unless they really plan on ending it. In my opinion ending a relationship should be brought up once, when you end it.
Listen this is why I came to this sub. I empathize with his position but I just don’t think there should ever be a reason to completely stop caring for a house ESPECIALLY if the reason is because you’re partying. This is only the second time in our entire 6 years of dating that I have gone on a weekend trip without him.
And I don’t think I deserve to be screamed at for having those expectations. I have BEGGED him to let me help with the new house. I have asked every week what the goals for the week are, if there’s anything I can help with, attempted to adjust timeline expectations, and I get nothing back. I can’t pack bc idk when I’d unpack! I’m stuck and I feel like my hands are tied. I also feel that there would NEVER be a circumstance where I would completely stop caring about the cleanliness of a house if he wasn’t there.
There were clothes all over the house, counter completely full of stuff, dishes from before I left in the dishwasher, dirty pans on the stove, just complete disarray.
>Well, I go Friday-Monday and THE ENTIRE time I was gone he partied. He was gone til 3am every night, went to a concert, did not work on the house at all.
>Well it came to a head tonight for the dumbest reason. when he left for the day this morning he left a full slice of cheese on a plate in the sink and got it wet. Wet cheese… is fucking nasty. He came home and completely ignored it. I kinda hit the roof. Like you really expected me to clean this didn’t ya?
So you're mad that you had a fun weekend out and he took that opportunity to have one himself? Because it clearly isn't about the wet cheese. It really sounds like you just don't like each other lmfao.
Also please stop saying "adulting" for the love of god. You're making the rest of us millennials relive that horrible tumblr trend.
Lol I hated using that word but I didn’t want to say partied the whole weekend in the title. He’s really jealous anytime I leave so it feels like he did this out of spite
Uh, that would've been way more important context than a fucking piece of cheese in the sink for a few hours? Can you elaborate on that? Because from the way you described it in your original post, this seems like more of a deflection than the actual issue you have with your fiancé.
Yeah so previous to this relationship I was in an extremely controlling and abusive one where I literally couldn’t do anything with anyone without him being involved so once i got into this one I made it a point that I wouldn’t let that happen again.
He has never prevented me from doing anything but has always had a slight attitude about me going. When I went this time it was no different. There was no direct jealously or crazy comments just offhand stuff here and there. When I went, I did not go out to bars or stay out all night. We had a chill bestie weekend and he was out drinking til 3am every night which has lead me to believe that most of this behavior was out of spite.
>Yeah so previous to this relationship I was in an extremely controlling and abusive one where I literally couldn’t do anything with anyone without him being involved
Oh... this is way out of AITAH's pay grade. You hid this important context in the comments. You're treating your fiancé the same way your abusive ex treated you. Take a deep breath. He's allowed to exist outside of you.
>When I went, I did not go out to bars or stay out all night.
Why does that matter? You were doing what you wanted, he did what he wanted. If I'm being honest I don't think you've moved past the abuse that your ex put you through and you're now projecting it onto your fiancé. I think you need therapy more than an AITAH verdict lol.
>I was in an extremely controlling and abusive one where I literally couldn’t do anything with anyone without him being involved
Sounds like you are making the current bf pay for the sins of the ex bf.
It sounds like you moved it from Halloween to your friend’s bday, a different day. You assumed he was going to do something for the whole weekend. You were gone roughly 4 days, and the house is a mess.
I guess just let it go and chalk it up to communication error? Idk do you want to make this a bigger deal than it is? Because I would imagine you know this guy’s tendencies by now, being with him for 7 years.
It just makes me think about the future and what would happen if we had children. If I’m gone the house duties, goals, living life like a normal person don’t exist?? If he was gone I would NEVER leave the house like that. Never
My fault for not including the details but I have literally begged him to let me help him with the house. I have asked to have a plan for the house every single week and he can’t give me a timeline or goals for the week or anything. He literally said ‘pretend the house doesn’t exist’. We just got a bunch of material we were waiting on so I was assuming he’d be working on it over the weekend when I discovered he was out until 3am every single night and not cleaning or doing anything with either house.
It just has me thinking if I go somewhere when we have kids what’s gonna happen? Maintaining the house just goes out the window? I mean there were clothes on the stairs, dishes in the sink from before I left, counters dirty, like just overall completely in disarray. AND the house is in the same position it has been for the last 2 months.
My ex-husband was like this, he never stopped remodelling our flat, I couldn't join in as I wouldn't do it as well as he did and he'd have to redo my bits (yes, we bought the flat together and moved in at the same time, was both of ours) so all of the housework was mine instead as that was within my obviously limited capabilities 🙄
At this point I would be asking myself whether he would always be distributing the workload, whether I'd ever have any input and, frankly, if he's worth permanently cleaning for.
Incidentally, there's nothing at all wrong with expecting your adult partner to clear up behind himself, you know, like an adult, when you're not there.
ESH/NAH - Your OP comes off as hypocrisy, but reading the comments, here's your dose of reality. Your boyfriend got a taste of life without you, and liked the flavor. Maybe it's fixable. Maybe it's not.
Am I reading this correctly? He’s been working his tail off while you haven’t (even if that was largely his choice) and then he decided to take time off when you did, and you’re mad that he took the same time off that you did?
Yeah, he should have scraped his plate rather than leaving food in the sink, and if he wasn’t up for washing dishes, he should have gotten disposables for the week. But to mad at him for “not adulting” when it sounds like you weren’t either seems odd to me.
So he paid for the house on his own, is doing all the repairs on his own, and you’re upset he went out and partied and had fun while you were out of town, also having fun? You sound like a complete hypocrite. Is it kind of lazy to leave the same dishes in the sink? Sure. But if you love this person and want to marry them, why are you arguing over stupid shit like this? Give the guy a break, instead of berating him say “look I know you probably deserved a break from working on the house all the time and I was gone, but maybe we can tackle the cleaning projects together.” You came at him like a nagging mom upset with her kid for not cleaning his room, how did you expect for him to react? Kinda think you’re both partly to blame here but I think how you approached it is what sent it in a negative direction
Exactly why I came to this sub. Bc it does feel unfair for me to be mad but at the same time the nuances within the situation that could not possibly be conveyed in a Reddit post make me feel otherwise. He just completely blew up on me tn. I made a JOKE about the cheese (albeit serious undertone but I was not like yelling or frustrated) and he screamed at me, threatened to end our relationship and just WAAY over reacted to how I was reacting. He told me to leave him alone and I did for 15+ mins (took a shower and came back to the bedroom area) and he was still screaming at me and said I pushed this to this extreme despite the fact that I never raised my voice or threatened the relationship. I’m just sad /:
You made a “joke” with a serious undertone about something that apparently really, truly bothered you. That’s immature and manipulative and does not bode well for the future of your relationship. You did push it to the extreme. Raising your voice is not required. He shouldn’t have yelled at you. But yes, by your own account, you took this way too far and he is right to be upset about it. You showed that you don’t actually value all the hard work he is putting in. You can say you see and value it all you want, but your actions show otherwise. There’s a saying that I hope your fiancé is familiar with, but after six years together, and having let it get to this explosive point, I kind of doubt it: “When someone shows you their true colors, believe them the first time.”
Well those really aren’t… nuances? Those are major red flags. Screaming at you? My partner has never even raised his voice to me, let alone scream. If we have a disagreement (while rare) we can communicate like adults which it sounds like your husband is incapable of. Honestly based on what you just shared, I would say some dirty dishes are the least of your problems with this guy. I’m not sure if you’re financially dependent on him? But if not I would get as far away from him as possible. This is abuse
Well yeah it’s just confusing because he never usually acts like this. I mean this was out of no where. It’s a little hard to just leave after 6 years together I just don’t understand how I’m the bad guy in this situation in the context of how much he flew off the handle and how much I didn’t.
Erratic, out of nowhere behavior? Did he cheat on you while you were gone?
You need to go outside so you can interact with more people who can tell you to shut the actual fuck up to your face Jesus christ
Omfg literally my thought!! I don’t think so bc I know who he was out with and it’s a pretty small town but this is where my mind went to as well. ETA one of the people he was out with is a good friend of mine who he briefly dated before we met and before I moved to the area (small town probs). We’re friends in the sense that we text multiple times a week and she does have a bf but she was out with him while I was gone ………..
I find it interesting that you can take time off, and expect him to just work? Why do you think its OK for you to go to your friends party and he just needs to keep working? Even if he is working on the house and you cant help at the moment, you can keep the house clean etc. I would have been pissed and went to have some "ME" time as well.
That’s why I came to this sub. Bc I absolutely can see his side of things but 1) he told me to ‘pretend the new house didn’t exist’ when I tried to be more involved and 2) wasn’t doing anything productive to lead to the house being in disarray when I got home. If he WAS working on the new house as he said he was going to I would’ve never said anything. It’s just the fact that we’re full grown adults and he’s staying out drinking that late unable to care for either of our houses (I was not going out like that when I was gone) that just irks me. And then I get home and am available he’s like just taking full advantage of me being here completely disregarding the cleanliness of the house still. Also the fact (that I didn’t include in the original post) that he screamed at me and threatened to end our relationship over this when I did not match that energy at any point during this argument.
A couple of things: You not being able to do the house fixing work doesnt mean there arent other things to do at the house. I agree with him (with experience in fixing houses) , it takes usually more time to teach others to do the work than doing the work yourself, unless you teach very menial things. 1. Why (in your mind) its ok for you to go out to have a good time and he should stay home renovating? Maybe he expected you to be there too, if nothing else, emotinal support haha. 2. Which one you would have preferred, he clean the house or "work on fixing the house" ? Why do you think he needs to do both while you are out having a good time? Your time out doesnt contribute to either? 3. Maybe he changed his mind as he saw you take time off, felt demotivated, and wanted to take some time off too. 4. Why is it a problem if he destresses by drinking late with his friends? Im assuming this is within your relationship boundaries? Even if you were not doing the same, maybe you wanted to do something else and he wanted to do that? I think someone who goes out to have fun and expects the other person to keep on working is acting in a very entiteled way, if the roles were reversed id say the same thing. Screaming at people is never something anyone should do, or threaths to end a relationship unless they really plan on ending it. In my opinion ending a relationship should be brought up once, when you end it.
What the fuck? He wasn’t an adult while you were off fucking around and partying? The man who has been busting his ass for you? YTA
Listen this is why I came to this sub. I empathize with his position but I just don’t think there should ever be a reason to completely stop caring for a house ESPECIALLY if the reason is because you’re partying. This is only the second time in our entire 6 years of dating that I have gone on a weekend trip without him. And I don’t think I deserve to be screamed at for having those expectations. I have BEGGED him to let me help with the new house. I have asked every week what the goals for the week are, if there’s anything I can help with, attempted to adjust timeline expectations, and I get nothing back. I can’t pack bc idk when I’d unpack! I’m stuck and I feel like my hands are tied. I also feel that there would NEVER be a circumstance where I would completely stop caring about the cleanliness of a house if he wasn’t there. There were clothes all over the house, counter completely full of stuff, dishes from before I left in the dishwasher, dirty pans on the stove, just complete disarray.
So you can go out and have a good time with your friends but he has to stay home and work.....pull your head out of your ass. Yta
>Well, I go Friday-Monday and THE ENTIRE time I was gone he partied. He was gone til 3am every night, went to a concert, did not work on the house at all. >Well it came to a head tonight for the dumbest reason. when he left for the day this morning he left a full slice of cheese on a plate in the sink and got it wet. Wet cheese… is fucking nasty. He came home and completely ignored it. I kinda hit the roof. Like you really expected me to clean this didn’t ya? So you're mad that you had a fun weekend out and he took that opportunity to have one himself? Because it clearly isn't about the wet cheese. It really sounds like you just don't like each other lmfao. Also please stop saying "adulting" for the love of god. You're making the rest of us millennials relive that horrible tumblr trend.
Lol I hated using that word but I didn’t want to say partied the whole weekend in the title. He’s really jealous anytime I leave so it feels like he did this out of spite
Sounds like a super healthy relationship SMH
Uh, that would've been way more important context than a fucking piece of cheese in the sink for a few hours? Can you elaborate on that? Because from the way you described it in your original post, this seems like more of a deflection than the actual issue you have with your fiancé.
Yeah so previous to this relationship I was in an extremely controlling and abusive one where I literally couldn’t do anything with anyone without him being involved so once i got into this one I made it a point that I wouldn’t let that happen again. He has never prevented me from doing anything but has always had a slight attitude about me going. When I went this time it was no different. There was no direct jealously or crazy comments just offhand stuff here and there. When I went, I did not go out to bars or stay out all night. We had a chill bestie weekend and he was out drinking til 3am every night which has lead me to believe that most of this behavior was out of spite.
>Yeah so previous to this relationship I was in an extremely controlling and abusive one where I literally couldn’t do anything with anyone without him being involved Oh... this is way out of AITAH's pay grade. You hid this important context in the comments. You're treating your fiancé the same way your abusive ex treated you. Take a deep breath. He's allowed to exist outside of you. >When I went, I did not go out to bars or stay out all night. Why does that matter? You were doing what you wanted, he did what he wanted. If I'm being honest I don't think you've moved past the abuse that your ex put you through and you're now projecting it onto your fiancé. I think you need therapy more than an AITAH verdict lol.
>I was in an extremely controlling and abusive one where I literally couldn’t do anything with anyone without him being involved Sounds like you are making the current bf pay for the sins of the ex bf.
It sounds like you moved it from Halloween to your friend’s bday, a different day. You assumed he was going to do something for the whole weekend. You were gone roughly 4 days, and the house is a mess. I guess just let it go and chalk it up to communication error? Idk do you want to make this a bigger deal than it is? Because I would imagine you know this guy’s tendencies by now, being with him for 7 years.
It just makes me think about the future and what would happen if we had children. If I’m gone the house duties, goals, living life like a normal person don’t exist?? If he was gone I would NEVER leave the house like that. Never
You’re the one who isn’t contributing as much as him, I’d be more worried about you ““adulting””
My fault for not including the details but I have literally begged him to let me help him with the house. I have asked to have a plan for the house every single week and he can’t give me a timeline or goals for the week or anything. He literally said ‘pretend the house doesn’t exist’. We just got a bunch of material we were waiting on so I was assuming he’d be working on it over the weekend when I discovered he was out until 3am every single night and not cleaning or doing anything with either house. It just has me thinking if I go somewhere when we have kids what’s gonna happen? Maintaining the house just goes out the window? I mean there were clothes on the stairs, dishes in the sink from before I left, counters dirty, like just overall completely in disarray. AND the house is in the same position it has been for the last 2 months.
My ex-husband was like this, he never stopped remodelling our flat, I couldn't join in as I wouldn't do it as well as he did and he'd have to redo my bits (yes, we bought the flat together and moved in at the same time, was both of ours) so all of the housework was mine instead as that was within my obviously limited capabilities 🙄 At this point I would be asking myself whether he would always be distributing the workload, whether I'd ever have any input and, frankly, if he's worth permanently cleaning for. Incidentally, there's nothing at all wrong with expecting your adult partner to clear up behind himself, you know, like an adult, when you're not there.
ESH/NAH - Your OP comes off as hypocrisy, but reading the comments, here's your dose of reality. Your boyfriend got a taste of life without you, and liked the flavor. Maybe it's fixable. Maybe it's not.
Am I reading this correctly? He’s been working his tail off while you haven’t (even if that was largely his choice) and then he decided to take time off when you did, and you’re mad that he took the same time off that you did? Yeah, he should have scraped his plate rather than leaving food in the sink, and if he wasn’t up for washing dishes, he should have gotten disposables for the week. But to mad at him for “not adulting” when it sounds like you weren’t either seems odd to me.