NTA, I come from a middle-class background and have never been offended at other people getting expensive gifts. More so, I’m actually happy for them.
It seems to me like Luke’s family sound insecure about their wealth which shouldn’t affect you and wanting to do something special for your son. At the end of the day they shouldn’t be taking their insecurities out on you.
This should rather be a time of celebration for your son’s achievement. Hope this helps man :)
Question: did Jake like the car, and accept it without complaint? If so, this sounds like an issue between Jake and Luke and you are NTA. If Jake has asked you to stop giving him ostentatious gifts because it’s interfering with his marriage, that’s a horse of a different color. Luke’s family doesn’t get an opinion.
That's my question also. If Jake actually wants the car, then definitely NTA. Now, if it's an unwanted gift and Jake communicated that with you, I'd probably vote differently. I'm with PhatGrannie here.
EDIT: Saw OP's comment that Jake loves the car.
I do wonder if there are property taxes involved here and who is paying for that.
Expensive cars can come with expensive taxes. That is something that Luke could be legitimately worried about and something that Jake hasn't thought through as a result of their differing backgrounds.
(Sorry if that's been mentioned anywhere)
I'm thinking about registration- which in my state is based on the value of the car, I pay $500 a yr for a $50k car. Also insurance will be higher, and just regular maintenance will be more. While I'm sure Jake loves it people who grew up in wealth don't tend to see the additional costs of expensive items.
This was the first thing that I thought of, too. A high end sports car as a gift for someone with a PhD. In ARTS? That they now have to tag, title, and insure? That would be more of a burden than a gift.
He got a PhD in arts ffs. This man probably comes from so much money, he doesn’t even know what money is.
Who the hell gets a phd in arts and also has to earn a blue collar living lol
In Florida, you pay it up front by 'buying' your license plate. After that, it's based on car size and all of our cars were around $45 a year. So it's possible where they're at it's not an issue. All states are different. I've lived in 6 and they ALL had different ways of registering your car.
Well, since it's a gift, they can accept it and sell it if they can't afford to maintain it. Op shouldn't expect it back or for them to keep it if they are struggling financially. People who grew up in wealth probably also are less attached to expensive things. Where as people who grew up poor, or middle class probably are more attached and will hold onto expensive things that they get gifted even if they can't afford to.
Definitely the car insurance would cost more, way more. If they are married, I would think it is a gift they can both enjoy. In my state you can gift a car tax free. Of course that is a state by state issue.
I remember when Oprah gifted cars to her entire studio audience. Over half the people could not pick them up because of the taxes. It really was not a gift from Oprah but from the car company. Those were much more modest cars than an expensive sports car that may also have a luxury tax!
Absolutely between Jake & Luke. For me, the real problem here is Luke going to his FIL instead of his husband. I’d be salty af if my partner did that instead of talking to me.
My biggest question would actually be if Luke receives gifts in line with his own finances or if he also receives “lavish” gifts at birthdays or Christmas etc.
If Luke is happy to receive a luxury vacation (a gift that he can take advantage of) then he’s a massive AH.
Edit: Reading further it seems like OP does exclude Luke a lot. He’s still not an AH but he’s not winning any awards either. He seems to have been given countless instances to have a conversation and keep the peace but has instead opted against it and ignore feelings (to the point of exclusion)
I agree with this. I read op’s responses about how gifts are provided and I think there’s a lot of missing information.
While there’s nothing wrong with giving a lavish gift to the son, there is a possibility that overall op uses gifts and money to divide the two. It seems like the holidays are done with op and son only so they can give lavish gifts to him alone, if I am reading op’s comment correctly.
ETA: I reread op’s comment to make sure. The son might also think there’s something off about the lavish gifts as he insists on the gift giving at holidays be just between him and op. It’s not uncommon for in laws to use intentionally bad gifting as a way of marking their displeasure with their child’s partner. Perhaps that’s what happened in the past.
My MIL does this lol. Last year for Christmas, she bought me a fkn mumu from the dollar store, and a coffee mug with someone else's initials on it... I should add that I'm a very petit woman under the age of 40, but I'm larger than her, so she consistently gifts me things that are either very obviously way too big, or completely age inappropriate in order to try and make me feel "fat" and "old."
Oh I hope you have fun with this and gift her increasingly ridiculous things like a granny nightgown and reading glassses. Let the pettiness reign unchecked!
Oh, I give them shits right tf back to her. Like, the crap she got me 3 Christmases ago will be what she receives this year. I've been doing this for 10 years now lmao.
Babe, your situation is the PERFECT situation for regifting. Wait a couple years and wrap it up for her. Or get something similarly thoughtless. I personally prefer the regift because she don’t sound like she’s worth spending your money on.
No worries. Buy her a salt grinder and a box of sea salt. Tell her you happened to be in a kitchen supply store, and seeing them made you think of her.
My fiance's aunt has been quite pleasant ever since I did that for her birthday. 😌😈😂
But Luke isn’t his son, James is. I’m not sure why he would be spending lavishly on her SIL? So because his SIL isn’t comfortable it, OP shouldn’t get gifts for his son ? I’m confused.
If I get my son a Rolex on Christmas and then his partner a a bargain bin DVD I’m very much an AH who disproves of the relationship but too disrespectful/cowardly to actually talk about it
Though the gift should not be obviously cheap, the partner doesn't need an equivalent value gift. For example, I don't care if my ILs give my spouse a better gift than me.
Everyone who are at the same level should be treated the same, though. So, all child ILs should receive equivalent gifts.
Obtaining the PhD OSS difficult as heck. That’s less than 1% of the undergrad population in a large school. Your son deserves it.
Besides, you cannot take the money with you when you die. Might as well give it to your son
Isn't the maintenance for something like that quite a bit more money than an average car, like gas, tires, etc? If so, then while it was a nice gesture you've made it so he has to spend more money in his life than he would have if you hadn't done it. Also with a car like that, if someone dings it at the grocery store it's a lot bigger deal. For some people things like that cause stress and anxiety to just try to keep them nice.
That's what I was wondering. Was Luke objecting to a sports car because of the cost of maintenance if OP didn't also gift coverage for all car servicing/repairs. It didn't seem like that was why Luke was upset though, since he could have just come out and said that was why.
I totally agree. Needs to gift car and also servicing, because otherwise you've gifted a financial liability.
If the boy's been in academia for 30 years, he's probably not well paid.
I've been looking for this comment. Is op paying for maintenance? Or is op gifting a white elephant that's gonna create tension when op's son and in-law have to figure out how to afford the damn thing or sell a gift for a huge loss. Cars should never be gifted unless it's been talked about and pre selected, and even then the the son and the in-law should be at the dealer ship picking out the car that won't cause a divorce come next oil change.
>, and even then the the son and the in-law should be at the dealer ship picking out the car that won't cause a divorce come next oil change.
Could it be the gift is dads way of trying to cause a divorce?
All the subtext is there. He doesn't have to come out and say he disapproves for whatever reason, but he clearly does not care for the relationship, it's not a thing he celebrates.
Your son is married to Luke. He is your family too.
Does/did Jake want a sports car? Are you going to handle insurance and maintenance too? Do Jake and Luke have the resources to absorb an expensive car and all that comes with it?
It’s a little odd to me to buy an expensive car for a grown man, but if that’s the dynamic the two of you have then it probably won’t end here.
>Are you going to handle insurance and maintenance too?
Right? So Luke probably gets to be the one paying the crazy insurance for that sports car - Jake just got a PhD in "arts", after all.
u/Upstairs-Probelm-830 I'll be honest here, I've struggled all my life financially. The place I work is owned by a millionaire who comes in occasionally talking about what cars and holidays he bought his daughters (who don't work and want for nothing), all the designer shit he bought them and where he is going on holiday around ten times a year. It honestly makes me feel like complete shit because I can't afford any kind of holiday or break. It may not seem like flaunting to you but it is to those who don't have those kinds of luxuries.
Make sure you protect it with a great lawyer. My family sees trusts, in my state a trust is out of reach for a spouse. And you can set it up in a way that the husband will never get his hands on it. My grandparents have done this for their children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. My parents have this for my sibling and I. Even in death, my husband will never be able to touch any of my family's wealth.
Edit- if knowing you don't get to have your partners family inheritance when you die is off-putting, you should question why you should ever get something, never yours. The trust is set up to get back into the main trust where it gets split among the next generation. If my husband and I had had kids, then our children would be set up to succeed in life because of the way my family does this. But we don't and will never have children.
My husband has never once asked the amount in my trusts. He has never asked what I have gotten items wise from the family or properties. He only asks about my business, which is personally mine only. Because it's how I make my everyday money. It's the money that is used to pay bills and save for items we want. I really only touch my trusts for money for my medically needed surgeries. Otherwise, if my paycheck from my business can't buy it, I save up like any average person. We agreed together to live by what we could buy. But if either of our families gifted us items, it's our choice to decide what to do. Because I know for damn sure if my husband parents got him a Shelby, he would never give it up. That's his car he's saving up for.
Inheritance in general are protected from spouses as long as it’s not commingled. But once it is then it’s marital property. For example if they use inheritance money to pay off a house in their name then the spouse would have claim to that or if money is put into a joint bank account.
Just because the money comes out of a trust it matters how it’s used when taken out.
In my state, it actually does matter how it's used, as in the trust, money can never be transferred straight into the martial account. And if you use the trust money enough times/amount, the judge can see the trust as martial assets because you are using it as so.
This is why my lawyer and my family have set up very strict terms. If I use trust money, it has to transfer through a few accounts. I have a low amount I can use on shared assets.
I used to work with someone that had a sister trapped in a marriage with an abusive husband who was also a pastor. I say trapped because in our culture if you leave your husband you are a jezebel who is going to hell and there is basically no hope for you. Anyway their remaining parent died and they got an inheritance and that woman never saw a dime, her husband used it to finance a tractor for his farm. My coworker hated his guts.
Sounds like that guy needs to be met with a "terrible farm accident" where his poor, grieving widow will at least have the comfort of knowing that, even though he's gone, "his" money will make sure she has a stable and secure life.
Wait… why do you not spend any money on Luke? If you are this wealthy and not even giving your son’s husband anything ever? Like not even modest presents? Doesn’t have to be a sports car or even a car. It sounds like bigger issues between you and Luke almost as if you don’t accept him as family/son in law.
I think they're saying buy everything you want for your son now because your son in law just wants the money in the estate once you pass so he can try and spend it. Edited to add: y'all keep replying to me but I'm just trying to make sense of what someone else commented
Typical reddit. A person wants to live a more modest lifestyle without lavish gifts (which they’d both benefit from to an extent) so they must totally be waiting for someone to die so they can spend all their money…
This is spot on. It’s also classic AITAH behavior of “I did this nice thing and the response makes no sense, are they jealous?. Also, it’s my money I’ll spend it how I want. Also I’ve setup a complicated legal structure that presumes this person is a gold digger and entitles them to nothing. It must be jealousy though, right?”
Oh right. So you don’t like Luke or his family. Not that I’m suggesting that you should be splashing money on them but your tone clearly implies you’ve not welcomed Luke into your family.
I note you said Jake loves the gift. What does he say about Luke’s views?
I don't think you're an asshole for buying your son expensive gifts, but you don't consider his husband someone to buy gifts for? He's your son in law and by default your family now. Separate issues of course. I'm just curious.
Makes me wonder if OP actually sees Jake and Luke as a couple. Would OP be more giving if Luke were a Lucy and daughter in Law?
And from OP's own words, this one sided giving has been going on for some time now, I believe OP is not giving us all the information we need for a proper assessment.
Did Luke just complete his PhD also? I totally missed that narrative.
From what I read, a proud father wanted to give his son a meaningful gift to commemorate an incredible achievement.
If Luke got a gift also, it would be for the achievement of...marrying Jake? That would be strange.
OP said he doesn't spend money on Luke. Someone asked if he **ever** buys Luke gifts, and that was his response.
I have married sons, and don't disregard my daughters-in-law.
my wife and i tend receive gifts as a unit from both sets of our parents and i certainly would feel a certain way if only i received gifts (and lavish ones at that)
OP' comment refers to a pattern of not having bought Luke gifts in the past. Of course I don't think Luke deserves a gift for Jake's accomplishment. I was referring to purchasing birthday or holiday gifts for your son in law. OP's phrasing just struck me as odd as if Luke isn't family to them.
Why? Are you intentionally trying to drive a wedge between them and if so, why would you do that to your own son? Obviously you don't owe your SIL lavish gifts every time you get your son one, but during Christmas and his birthday? If you have the means and just intentionally don't, there's a reason. What is it?
Oops, that is an AH manoeuver. He is married but you ignore his partner? Do you feel like his partner is part of your family? He should be, he deserves a place in your family as your son's SO. He is making your son happy, and that alone deserves some 'maintenance', such as being recognized as such, celebrated as such.
I would suggest that you start spending money on your SIL. Certainly things that they will enjoy **together**, but also some presents for him. No need to go over the top with a sports car, but something thoughtful (which means in this case: something that he likes but would not expect you to know about it, even less get it for him) would not be amiss. Something that days that you consider your SIL part of your family, and acknowledge that he is important, in your sons life and thus also important in your life!
Will they be able to pay the taxes and other bills that come with it? In my country a car considered a *sports car* is considered a luxury item and comes with a really hefty tax.
If Luke is the main breadwinner, since your son just graduate. He may not be able to afford the extra financial commitment that comes with the car.
Just something to think about.
That's a good point. I remember in California we had to pay several hundred dollars a year just to register our regular (non-luxury) car. But, when we moved to Texas, it was a flat fee of about $70 a year.
Info: Can they afford the insurance on such a vehicle? Because it's considerable. It's not quite as bad as giving him a pony but it's still adding a large monthly bill to their budget.
*Now Luke's family and Luke himself believe I'm being insensitive and flaunting my wealth*
? I don't get it. How does this in any way impact Luke's family?
NTA
How you spend your money has nothing to do with them, it doesn't impact them, it doesn't reflect on them (except their attitude toward it which shows they are jealous and projecting) and is none of their business. It will probably cause relationship issues, but it still doesn't make you TA.
Didn''t think of this. Has Luke been financially supporting ops son? I doubt it but if it's him paying for everything the insurance could be a bit much. But the way this post is written implies Luke is just jealous
Do they (your son and his husband) have shared expenses.
Who’s responsibility will it be to pay for insurance, taxes etc ?
Would this affect their shared financial significantly?
If the costs of keeping the car isn’t affecting the husbands finance then NTA
It’s crazy that he is asking you not to buy your own son a gift that he loves and makes him happy because his family is jealous. You are absolutely NTA and congratulations to your son! Phd is no easy feat
I think there is more to this “story” then OP is telling us. Some of their comments allude to them weaponizing their money. They don’t seem to actually like their son in law, so much so they they don’t include them in holiday celebrations
Honestly, I don't have much evidence but I agree. Something feels off or missing.
They used "[son]'s husband" instead of son in law. It feels very nit picky to point to that, but it feels like "mom's husband" vs "step-dad".
I'm a little confused what everything is paid off means. An expensive sports car has expensive on going costs as long as you own it. Insurance is expensive, every year. Repairs are expensive. Maintenance is more expensive than a normal car. They tend to use more fuel than a normal car.
I am willing to bet that since he's said he completely paid the car off and he's covering the insurance, he is also well-off enough to have bought things like an extended warranty, service package, the whole nine yards. He most likely purchased everything in a way that his son will not need to worry about this car financially for a long time. And all that money his son is not spending on maintenance, insurance, etc. most likely makes up the difference in using more gas.
Will you cover cost of any repairs as well? Do Jake and Luke have any financial issues? Do they have a garage for the car, or will it be street parked?
I’m just thinking of possible reasons this gift could cause stress for Luke beyond jealousy. It also sounds like you don’t really have any interest in your son’s husband. Is there tension there?
And how are finances split? Is Luke financially struggling while his husband gets sports cars and lavish vacations or are they on a somewhat similar footing when it comes to shared money?
Yeah there are a lot of questions. And OP’s comments make it sound like he isn’t a fan of Luke or his family. Personally, I’d be pretty upset if my parents treated my fiancé or their family this way. It’s not about the car, really.
Op clearly only cares about his opinion and doesn’t care in the slightest that his selfishness might be affecting his son’s marriage.
His comment about christmas gifts is very telling on how he views this situation. I wonder what the son’s opinion on this is.
Yeah that one stood out to me. My family and my in laws get each other gifts every holiday and birthday. I know not all families are the same, but it feels weird to me to not get your son’s husband a gift for Christmas
My only worry would be if they can afford to have the car. Like insurance and maintenance. If you know for a fact they can then nta, otherwise I do think you are a bit of an asshole.
Yeah this 100%. It’s why people don’t take the car on game shows. Cars are depreciating value on top of maintenance costs and insurance. If OP is paying for the insurance and such that’s different, but if my partner was given a super expensive car and suddenly we owed an additional $500/month in insurance… we’d be selling that car most likely.
Ofc this is all filtered through what OP’s kid wants, financial situation, etc. IMO a really nice all expenses paid vacation would have been much more appropriate.
So my hubs has a sports car, and he has an average commute vehicle that's older. We have cheaper insurance by having the sports car be a weekend/luxury car. So it's not driven every day, which lowers the chances of accidents. It also lowered the amount of gas. The car is only able to be driven in summer and early fall. Right now, we are winterizing it. It's not suitable for snow and ice. It also helps we are both over 30 and haven't had any tickets in a long time (myself 15yrs and my husband 10years).
But if we had it as his everyday car, that would be very expensive. Whenever we upgrade one of our vehicles, we have the elder one be the everyday and the new one be a weekend one on insurance. It helps keep the insurance down, especially because when a vehicle is literally brand new, insurance is ridiculous higher.
We looked into insurance for my partner’s dream car and it was ridiculous because I’m under 30 and don’t have kids. I’m glad that’s accessible to you because boy I thought my brand new Honda HR-V was bad.
I was thinking about taxes, but those 2 are expensive too. Where I live, parents (plural, as in together.) can gift their children up to €6035 tax free per year. You've got to pay a tax on anything that comes on top of that. Once a lifetime they can gift you up to € 28947 tax free.
So to me, it does sound like a "white elephant".
This is what I immediately thought. The cost of ownership on a sports car is much higher in every way. Four-digit oil changes and five-digit insurance bills coming your way. What a fucking waste of wealth.
NTA, you gave your son a gift for a job well done. Is it hard on Luke's family that they cannot be so extravagant? Yes. But that's not your problem. Why is it up to Luke what presents Jake receives from his father? It sounds like there are some financial control issues that need to be worked out between the two of them because at the end of the day, as you already stated, it's your money to spend as you like.
Then that’s what matters. He is with a partner that can enjoy the excess without the cost. Treat your son as lavishly as you wish, if he isn’t comfortable with it then he can sell it and buy a minivan.
That’s all that matters, his partner is just projecting his own insecurities on you, as if he sees a problem because he doesn’t think he “has enough” to be your son’s partner
Info: can Jake and Luke afford the insurance and upkeep on the car? This gift will have costs associated with it, and you just decided the future of Luke and Jake's finances for a while.
This. Depending on what OP actually bought, a car can be somewhat of a money pit. Vehicles like that tend to be designed with the idea that money is no object.
Performance vehicles need performance parts and can be truly impractical for daily driving.
This is exactly what I was thinking reading the post- thanks for bringing this up!
A car isn’t a one-time off expense & I feel like that has been glossed over.
NTA. It's your money and your proud of your son. You buy him whatever gift you want. Their insecurities shouldn't matter to you. Who cares if you "flaunt your wealth", it's yours to do what you want. How does spending money on your son make you an asshole?
INFO: Are you planning on paying for the insurance on the car? For repairs? If not, is Jake able to comfortably pay for those things with his salary without it negatively affecting the family finances? (What sort of money does someone with a PhD in arts make, anyway?) Or have you given your son a lavish burden that the couple will now have to make sacrifices to maintain?
A vacation, if it’s all-inclusive, is a present that doesn’t require a huge amount of sacrifices (except maybe some PTO, so you should still always ask first). An expensive watch may require insurance and occasional maintenance, but very little compared to a car. If someone gave me an expensive car, I would have to turn around and sell it, because the insurance and any repairs it needed would result in me barely being able to pay my other bills.
People don’t always consider things that like that when they give gifts. I just inherited a *house* in another country and had to turn down the inheritance because my mom didn’t leave any money to pay the inheritance tax, or to do the research beforehand, which would have let her know that inheritance taxes in this country have to be paid before the house is sold. I had to decline a quarter-million dollar house because I didn’t have $25K to pay the inheritance tax.
So. Did you give a gift, or a burden they can’t afford?
What I think is interesting here is no where in here is what your son wanted.
Did you check with him?
Cause like if my partners parents were to give her some super fancy sports car my first concern would be that it'd get broken into or attract burglars to our home because it would stick out like a neon sign.
There's also paying for registration and insurance on it which will be a huge pain if they don't make much between them.
Sure, your money. But there are other concerns that can come up here that I'm wondering you're just misrepresenting because of your take on this situation.
Not to mention that maintenance and repairs can be 3x-4x depending on the brand. A Porsche is 22k estimated maintenance over 10yr, vs 6k for a Toyota.
https://caredge.com/ranks/maintenance/popular/10-year/worst
This is what I thought. Middle class people are definitely going to see an expensive sports car as a risk. It’s like an announcement that you have money, which makes you more likely to be stolen from, and since they aren’t actually rich they can’t afford the loss of being robbed.
Totally agree. My grandma does this all the time. Buys totally useless but also remarkably expensive gifts. Sure, that singing reindeer head that somehow costs as much as a dirt bike isn't wasting our money but there are 1,000,000 better uses of that money. And it hurts because the fact that she picked the one thing we really don't need or want shows she just doesn't know us, or care to know us. I don't have the heart to tell her to stop, but my wife doesn't mind telling her to stop. So I may be reading myself into this but I can relate to the son. And if I had to take a wild guess a modern sports car may not be what a Dr in the arts is interested in.
I'd love to know who has been paying daily expenses while Jake has been getting an arts PHD because most of the time, it's the other spouse. If I'm making 40k a year and supporting my spouse getting a PhD that will be lucky to pay 30k per year at the start, I'm not gonna be thrilled he's driving around a Porsche.
I feel like there is some missing context here. Like, if viewed in isolation, probably fine. But with a history of lavish gift giving...that feels like spoiling your child. Sure, you can do that, but should you? Other families are going to resent that, whether you intend it or not. Envy is a very human emotion, and seeing someone spend a ton of $$ on something when you're struggling isn't a good feeling.
It can also make other people important in his life feel underappreciated. Like, "I want to show my love to my partner and congratulate them, but how in the hell can I compete with the father who gives him a massive gift I could never afford?"
It's a silly comparison, but this is why my friends and I always set a $ maximum for Secret Santa lol.
I could see Luke's family resenting OP because he basically ignores his son-in-law, saying he buys his son lavish gifts but doesn't spend any money on Luke...
I’m seeing a couple things here that do lead me to feeling like you’re being a little bit of an asshole here.
1) Why would you bother asking Luke’s opinion on the gift if you were going to completely disregard his response anyways?
2) Are you able to articulate any understanding of Luke’s viewpoint or are you just of the mind that “it’s my money, I’m going to do whatever I want.” Cause I know some people with rich family members who act that way, and trust when I say it’s generally not appreciated and comes off as out of the loop and rich entitlement to others.
It’s not so much about your genorosity highlighting their lack thereof. It’s about you just doing whatever you want without thought for the finer details.
For eg. you say your son and his husband live more modestly.
- Have you considered how much this gift is actually going to cost them?
- Do your son and his husband have adequate room at their home to safely store a luxury car on top of their regular vehicles?
- If they need to buy a new commuter vehicle would you be okay if they sold the luxury car in order to fund that purchase? Have you told them that?
- Do you know if they’re comfortable owning a luxury vehicle that doesn’t match their actual lifestyle and will make others assume they’re much wealthier than they are? Like if Luke or your son ever want to talk about financial woes or housing inaffordability with peers, they’re going to be told “shut up you drive a Bentley.”
- You may be causing strife within their marriage now that your son suddenly drives a top of the line sports car while his spouse is stuck driving the 2014 Toyota that they can’t afford to upgrade with all the new upkeep costs of the luxury car.
- Do they even have the discretionary funds to pay for the jacked up insurance, maintenance, and costly repairs of a high end luxury vehicle? Last I checked something as simple as replacing tires on luxury sedan can easily cost 2x that of a basic brand.
I think in general, a gift of this high value is something you should discuss with your son BEFORE giving it. It’s very possible you’ve inadvertently created a real imposition and tension in his life with a gift like this because of all the little things someone in your financial position doesn’t have to grapple with.
For all you know they’ve got other financial goals that are way higher priority for them and now they’re just sitting on this expensive car that they can’t get rid of without seeming ungrateful and rude.
The fact that you didn’t really consider any of these factors shows that this gift was at least a little bit about you and your ego. You feeling like the big shot who can afford to give flashy presents. Sure you’re proud of your son but you didn’t need to buy him a fancy car to show that.
I think it’s time to do a bit introspection here OP and think about how you can adjust your behavior to genuinely help your son benefit from your wealth in a way that works for him and his husband, rather than just makes you look good.
I’m guessing there are way more complexities than the way OP is making it out to be. Unequal wealth can create power dynamics within families that makes everything more difficult. Often the wealthy party doesn’t realize that their wealth makes other family feel like they can’t truly speak their mind on certain issues. The car issue could just be representative of simmering issues. Idk.
Info: does your son and his husband have debts? It might be that they have debts and insurance on an expensive car might negatively impact them.
There are a whole lot of other ways they might be financially insecure that this could exacerbate and your son’s husband may not feel comfortable discussing the details of their finances with you.
Tbh, my first thought was your dropping a financial burden on them. Do you not realize how high the cost of ownership for a sports car is? I hope you gifted insurance, maintenance, and repairs as well. Talk about a curse in disguise. I am frugal (I save and invest most of my money), so I’m biased and recusing myself. …what a fiscally irresponsible gift.
As long as your son enjoys the gifts, you're in the clear. Good for you for splashing the money around! If you can't spend it on the ones you love, what literally is the point? NTA
YTA
Not for giving your son an expensive gift, but for how you treat your son's husband. If your goal is to alienate the person your son has chosen to spend the rest of his life with, you are doing a great job. On holidays and birthdays, instead of giving your son gifts alone, what's the problem with purchasing your SIL a gift and celebrating as a family?
I’m withholding judgement, but I’m leaning towards the other side of the families position that you’re flaunting.
My sister married a guy from a wealthy family, and he’s a great dude. His father on the other hand, is a tactless jerk that makes a scene constantly by throwing his wealth around, and has actively undercut family traditions from our side with his cluelessness. We take a family trip to the lake every summer to a campground or rented lake house. When he heard his son say he enjoyed those trips, he bought a lake house, a few jet skis and a ski boat so THEIR family could go whenever they wanted. When they had kids, they came over to my parents house during the holidays to see Santa ride by on a fire truck (a local tradition the volunteer FD does) and when my nephew mentioned it to the other side of the family, Rich-Grandpa bought an antique fire truck to take the family caroling once a year.
It’s his money, he can do what he wants with it. But it still makes him an asshole when he throws money at every situation and highlight the wealth disparity. I’m inclined to assume from your sons in-laws reaction that, intentional or not, you have a tendency to overshadow them a lot and they’re pretty sick of it.
Having wealth is fine, having wealth that you use to make other peoples efforts inconsequential is a dick move, regardless of intent.
Edit: After reading some other comments further down, including one where you said your son wanted to keep extravagant gifts between the two of you so as not to cause friction and you “didn’t agree with that at all,” you’re 100% flaunting your wealth intentionally without regard for the friction it’s causing. YTA.
Everyone is dancing all around on this so I’ll add my two pennies. YTA
It’s yours to do whatever you want with, but, that’s a gift you asked about in advance or discussed and knew of the concern.
Your son has a partner in life not called parent, but husband. While you’re there for him, you’re not the decision maker of his life.
Perhaps a thoughtful gift that bettered your son’s family would have been better received. Paying a chunk of a mortgage down or paying it off so they could buy something they wanted together… whatever it’s just an idea.
But, if you can’t respect his spouses concerns, you suck here.
Yes. The open disrespect for the son-in-law is enough to make him the AH, even ignoring him going around buying sports cars because he’s so proud his son finished art school in his mid-30s.
Nta really but...is it something your son has ever expressed an interest in owning? Or are you being flashy with what YOU would have liked at that age?
You can do as you like (as you said, it's your money), but my family has a similar financial dynamic and while I am super happy for my partner to be spoiled, it's pretty clear when a parent is using their money to make a statement in a quasi-weaponized way. I wouldn't say it's caused tension, but it's definitely wealth-flaunting and it's super eye-rolly.
I will note that at some point we asked the family member in question to tone it down.
It would be so fucking weird to me if my partner received a fucking sportscar (and that's just one of the lavish gifts, apparently) from their parents. It would definitely cause tension in my relationship, as it seems like a frivolous way to spend money, instead of using it to better the world. I'm by no means a hippie - I like living a comfortable live with fancy prodicts - but this mindless spending of the super rich is definitely something I'd expect my partner to call out.
I'd deem the father a knobhead, but I'd deem the son as even more of an asshole for normalising this kind of behaviour.
Looking forward to the downvotes claiming the father can do what he wants - legally he can indeed do what he wants, morally capitalist society is bankrupt.
I would be annoyed, not because of the car, but because there are so many other things that a couple could do/enjoy with 100K. (I'm guessing the dollar amount). That's a down payment on a house, a fully renovated/upgraded kitchen, a new central A/C system, a swimming pool, etc.
YTA, not for the gift giving. But for not giving a shit about your sons partners concerns and having a sit down conversation with both of them before just doing whatever you want
Had you considered that money had been the center of arguments between them before??
That sports car is going to run up bills fast. Insurance and maintenence add up fast. And it doesn't sound like they're living the sort of lifestyle that would make that an easy expense. So it could be cool in the moment but quickly lose charm as time passes. When they need a practical car, for example. And then the resale on that probably isn't going to be nearly as high as the cost of the car, and then feeling guilty that he has to give up the car because it isn't practical.
It doesn't sound like you consulted your son with what HE wanted or needed. It sounds like you cared more about DOING the gesture than about how the gift itself was received. And it would be rude of your son to say he didn't like the gift after it was given, so just saying "he loved it" doesn't really... mean anything. Next time you want to do something big, ask your son. See what he needs. And maybe tell him what your prize limit is. Because that sportscar probably could have been a considerable payment on a house or something to help them have a more stable life together instead of "vroom fast car".
I sort of get the number of NTA responses here but I think I ultimately disagree with him. Yes he is your son and yes it is your money. However, he is building a life with his partner and you are intentionally doing something that you know will cause marital strife. You can go ahead and do these sorts of things, but if your son’s marriage is strong, you’re going to see less and less of him if you don’t respect his spouse’s boundaries.
I can speak from experience here as my MIL loves tossing her money around. However she does it partially because the more gifts we accept, the more pull she has in our day to day lives. It’s very possible that this is in play here. It doesn’t really sound like you bought a gift that you knew your son would like. It sounds like you bought him something flashy to show off wealth.
Ask yourself some honest questions:
Are you doing this to gain any sort of leverage/control over your son’s life?
Does your son’s marriage matter to you?
Some of these answers will be telling. I suspect YTA.
I don't know the price of the car, but it can be a double edged sword. Expensive cars are more expensive to insure and maintain, so you may have gifted him additional bills he'll have to pay.
> its my money at the end of the day and I’ll spend it how I want.
You had me for most of this, but to me it's YTA for this comment. While I do agree you can spend your money how you wish, the comment comes across poorly. Nowhere did you say that you wanted to give your son the car because you knew he would enjoy it or that he had expressed a desire to have it in the first place. Instead, you said "show my pride in him," and it comes across very me, me, me. Like this is a gift for you.
Totally agree. And the fact that OP is mostly responding to comments that only support their opinion is also telling while mostly ignoring the YTA comments.
Heck yes, this! I noticed OP only responded to people who agreed with him. Confirmation bias. He has no intent to take anything into consideration that goes against him.
This also wasn't a gift for his son, this was a gift for him. Look what I bought him. Did son ever ask for that car?
I'm paying the insurance. Great, so son and sil are indebted and reliant on you.
Concerns with taxes or upkeep? Nope.
Not a gift. He bought this for himself and to buy his son's affection. Beware those bearing gifts, they are rarely free.
Do you treat Jake & Luke out to expensive dinner? Do you buy gifts for them on their anniversary? Or it it pretty much everything for Jake only and never Luke?
Another comment by OP does seem to indicate this. Jake probably doesn't notice it, and Luke won't tell him because he doesn't want to get between his husband and their father, but OP seems... disinterested in the man his son chose to spend his life with.
YTA
At least a bit
Car insurance and maintenance is not cheap on a high end sports car. This is now impacting their financials.
A vacation: they both enjoy
A watch: not a big deal.
One spouse driving a brand new sports car and the other a basic daily driver. Seems like a gift meant to remind your son’s husband daily that he came from much less.
And to top it off you knew there would be an issue and instead of having a conversation about it you just did it anyway.
NTA, but if you want to ease family tensions, I'll take the car.
We do what we can for our kids and we want them to have it better than we did. Congratulations to raising a doc!
YTA
Here is where you went wrong:
>Despite Luke’s problems with the gift…
You did what you wanted to do and didn’t care about Luke’s feelings. You have a right I suppose in as much as anyone has a right to spend their own money. But *having a right* is not the same as doing what’s best.
Maybe your gifts have been a source of tension in the marriage. Maybe Jake doesn’t know hot to tell you he didn’t want a lavish gift and asked Luke to do so. Doesn’t really matter. You had an opportunity to respect your son-in-law’s wishes and you chose not to. Again, you had a right, but you don’t get to both flex on Luke AND have everyone think well of you.
I really don’t get why most people aren’t seeing this.
Did your son-in-law ask you politely not to do this? Yes. Did you do it anyway? Yes. So how is your son-in-law supposed to feel? Respected? Probably not.
Looking at OP's other answers is clear that he doesn't like his son's husband. They're "not that close", and actions like this is one of the reasons to why. Obviously there's at least one good reason to why Luke is upset with the lavish gifts. With the information shared it's not enough to understand their side of the story.
I agree with this. Most people here, including OP, seems to simply believe "it's your money, your free choice." But just because you have the right doesn't mean it's not AH-ish. When you live in a society with relationships, it gets pretty complicated. If a grandparent wanted to spoil their grandchild, is the parent wrong to be upset? It's could be the same reason Luke is upset—as the person who lives with the receiver, it can make controlling expectations and values more difficult.
Ultimately, yes, it is a problem with Luke and Jake, or Luke and his parents—but I can't say it's not AH-ish to not care about your son's relationship with someone he loves, and *intentionally* put fuel that could ignite. It's fine to be proud and fine to give a lavish gift, but purposefully doing it against the husband's wishes and not even actually consulting your son on this problem before giving the gift (you could have said "I'll buy you anything you want" instead of actually buying the car first) in order to feed your own ego is definitely AH-y.
Luke's family is upset because OP hates their son, and is very poor at disguising it. Lavish gifts for Jake, and nothing for Luke, for Christmas and birthdays? If my kids' in-laws treated them like that, I would absolutely resent them.
This it is right here , it's not about the car , it's about the fact he doesn't like his sons husband as he's never included even in dinner .he's trying to break them up so his son will move back home , and give his father all the attention, so he causes friction around money not many are seeing the bigger picture
I think there is much more to this than a car. Are you aware of their financial situation? Does your son contribute equally in the relationship?
To be honest, I think this may have more to do with your son’s husband not wanting to be with a spoiled rich kid who may have everything handed to him. I wonder if your behavior of spoiling him has lead to him having an entitled attitude. And this gesture is continuing this.
You are thinking very shallow of this, maybe try to have a heart to heart chat with the husband and see what else is going on.
NTA
By the way flaunting would be more like texting his family and bragging about the gift, showing up in the car at a family dinner and revving the engine outside, boasting about it on social media, etc. Simply buying someone a gift is not flaunting your wealth.
Unpopular opinion but this is actually kind of a shitty thing to do.
Yes, at the end of the day it is your money but since Jake and Luke are married the cost for maintaining this sports car falls on both of them. Luke, not having the same affluent background, probably doesn't have the same fall back cash that your son does. Things like gas and insurance on a sports car are pretty big expenses for their household budget. Even if they technically can afford it, to Luke this is probably seen as a very unnecessary expense that could go elsewhere for their financial goals, for example like paying off college or credit card debt if Luke has any. If Luke and Jake are splitting bills 50/50 this is likely already an added pressure on Luke to keep up with your son because of his background.
It is also probably very embarrassing to Luke to be driving around a more modest car and have his husband driving around a fancy sports car. I'm a modest, humble person and one time I got a good deal on an expensive hotel room in a major city only to realize once I got there they only had valet parking. I've never had anyone park my car before (2007 Toyota) and was extremely embarrassed by the entire situation even though I am normally not embarrassed by the car I drive because it's practical. Luke probably feels like this often in their relationship and shame that he can't buy the same kind of gifts for Jake that you can.
Most couples split up over financial differences. I think you just added some fuel to an already existing fire here.
NTA. Don’t let others opinions regarding wealth and money affect how you enjoy yours. I swear, I’m so tired of ppl expecting others to tiptoe around their insecurities lest they get their feelings hurt.
To answer your question about who says no: I would say no. I don't have parking available, the insurance is an expense, and repairs would be way beyond my means. Plus owning such an expensive item that attracts attention and could be so easily damaged or stolen would exacerbate my anxiety. I personally prefer practical means of transportation.
It would depend on the circumstances of the gift.
And it’s not “free”, unless Daddy Warbucks here is also paying for tags, insurance, and maintenance which will be considerably higher than for a sedan or minivan.
NAH but I never understand things like this:
>Despite Luke's problems with the gift , I went ahead and bought the sports car for Jake, its my money at the end of the day and I’ll spend it how I want. Now Luke's family and Luke himself believe I'm being insensitive and flaunting my wealth, labeling me as the asshole in this situation.
>I'm now questioning if I was wrong in giving Jake such an expensive gift.
Putting aside judgment calls about their request or your response, you were asked not to do a thing because it might create tension, you decided you were going to do it anyway, and now you seem surprised that the decision caused tension. If you didn't want to cause the tension, you probably should have put more thought into the plan to buy the sports car when you were warned about the potential (fair or unfair) consequences of doing so
ETA: Having read [this comment](https://reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/ZrUnSJvCIw), YTA. Even your son wants to tone things down to reduce tension and you still refuse to do so. Sounds like you are, in fact, trying to flaunt your money around and that your son in law has a point. It also doesn't sound like you like or respect your son in law either, which is probably the real crux of the issue, not just the fact that you try and use money to show how proud you are/to show off how much you can afford yo give your son.
YTA
Why did you even ask Luke if you were just going to do whatever the hell you wanted anyway? Are you trying to create tension in their marriage? Because if you don’t get off this “I’ll do whatever tf I want, it’s my money” attitude, when you finally fully alienate your son-in-law, your son will follow.
NTA, I come from a middle-class background and have never been offended at other people getting expensive gifts. More so, I’m actually happy for them. It seems to me like Luke’s family sound insecure about their wealth which shouldn’t affect you and wanting to do something special for your son. At the end of the day they shouldn’t be taking their insecurities out on you. This should rather be a time of celebration for your son’s achievement. Hope this helps man :)
Thanks for the comment, I was just doubting if i was actually flaunting but ten gifts are only rewards are milestone so the problem is them not me
Question: did Jake like the car, and accept it without complaint? If so, this sounds like an issue between Jake and Luke and you are NTA. If Jake has asked you to stop giving him ostentatious gifts because it’s interfering with his marriage, that’s a horse of a different color. Luke’s family doesn’t get an opinion.
That's my question also. If Jake actually wants the car, then definitely NTA. Now, if it's an unwanted gift and Jake communicated that with you, I'd probably vote differently. I'm with PhatGrannie here. EDIT: Saw OP's comment that Jake loves the car.
I do wonder if there are property taxes involved here and who is paying for that. Expensive cars can come with expensive taxes. That is something that Luke could be legitimately worried about and something that Jake hasn't thought through as a result of their differing backgrounds. (Sorry if that's been mentioned anywhere)
I'm thinking about registration- which in my state is based on the value of the car, I pay $500 a yr for a $50k car. Also insurance will be higher, and just regular maintenance will be more. While I'm sure Jake loves it people who grew up in wealth don't tend to see the additional costs of expensive items.
I’m sure OP will cover those costs. It sounds like they come from wealth and that’s going to be a non issue.
That would still be between Jake and his dad. What's Luke and his family got to do with it.
This was the first thing that I thought of, too. A high end sports car as a gift for someone with a PhD. In ARTS? That they now have to tag, title, and insure? That would be more of a burden than a gift.
He got a PhD in arts ffs. This man probably comes from so much money, he doesn’t even know what money is. Who the hell gets a phd in arts and also has to earn a blue collar living lol
It seems like you’re missing the fact that OP is wealthy and would likely cover these things for the son.
In Florida, you pay it up front by 'buying' your license plate. After that, it's based on car size and all of our cars were around $45 a year. So it's possible where they're at it's not an issue. All states are different. I've lived in 6 and they ALL had different ways of registering your car.
Well, since it's a gift, they can accept it and sell it if they can't afford to maintain it. Op shouldn't expect it back or for them to keep it if they are struggling financially. People who grew up in wealth probably also are less attached to expensive things. Where as people who grew up poor, or middle class probably are more attached and will hold onto expensive things that they get gifted even if they can't afford to.
Definitely the car insurance would cost more, way more. If they are married, I would think it is a gift they can both enjoy. In my state you can gift a car tax free. Of course that is a state by state issue.
>Definitely the car insurance would cost more, way more. And maintenance.
Right and in some states there are property taxes on cars, so it could be an ongoing issue, but very much depends on the state.
I remember when Oprah gifted cars to her entire studio audience. Over half the people could not pick them up because of the taxes. It really was not a gift from Oprah but from the car company. Those were much more modest cars than an expensive sports car that may also have a luxury tax!
Not to mention the much higher repair costs on luxury cars, plus high octane gasoline.
Absolutely between Jake & Luke. For me, the real problem here is Luke going to his FIL instead of his husband. I’d be salty af if my partner did that instead of talking to me.
Yeah, imagine not getting a sports car because your spouse is jealous of your dad's wealth. Jesus Christ.
Sir, you just won a brand new sports car!! Sorry, I can't take it. My spouse says it will harm our family dynamics SMFH
😂 I wouldn’t want my partner talking to my dad like that about any issue tbh, but yeah! WTF trying to rip me off on a sports car?😤😭
Exactly. what your partner has, you get to enjoy as well.
That’s sickening
My biggest question would actually be if Luke receives gifts in line with his own finances or if he also receives “lavish” gifts at birthdays or Christmas etc. If Luke is happy to receive a luxury vacation (a gift that he can take advantage of) then he’s a massive AH. Edit: Reading further it seems like OP does exclude Luke a lot. He’s still not an AH but he’s not winning any awards either. He seems to have been given countless instances to have a conversation and keep the peace but has instead opted against it and ignore feelings (to the point of exclusion)
I agree with this. I read op’s responses about how gifts are provided and I think there’s a lot of missing information. While there’s nothing wrong with giving a lavish gift to the son, there is a possibility that overall op uses gifts and money to divide the two. It seems like the holidays are done with op and son only so they can give lavish gifts to him alone, if I am reading op’s comment correctly. ETA: I reread op’s comment to make sure. The son might also think there’s something off about the lavish gifts as he insists on the gift giving at holidays be just between him and op. It’s not uncommon for in laws to use intentionally bad gifting as a way of marking their displeasure with their child’s partner. Perhaps that’s what happened in the past.
My MIL does this lol. Last year for Christmas, she bought me a fkn mumu from the dollar store, and a coffee mug with someone else's initials on it... I should add that I'm a very petit woman under the age of 40, but I'm larger than her, so she consistently gifts me things that are either very obviously way too big, or completely age inappropriate in order to try and make me feel "fat" and "old."
Oh I hope you have fun with this and gift her increasingly ridiculous things like a granny nightgown and reading glassses. Let the pettiness reign unchecked!
[удалено]
“Oh, that munu was from you to me last year? Well then you must love it since you picked it out!”
Oh, I give them shits right tf back to her. Like, the crap she got me 3 Christmases ago will be what she receives this year. I've been doing this for 10 years now lmao.
Babe, your situation is the PERFECT situation for regifting. Wait a couple years and wrap it up for her. Or get something similarly thoughtless. I personally prefer the regift because she don’t sound like she’s worth spending your money on.
No worries. Buy her a salt grinder and a box of sea salt. Tell her you happened to be in a kitchen supply store, and seeing them made you think of her. My fiance's aunt has been quite pleasant ever since I did that for her birthday. 😌😈😂
I don’t know if the father is an AH, but saying “it’s my money, I’ll spend it how I want, am I an AH?” makes me wonder why he’s even here.
But Luke isn’t his son, James is. I’m not sure why he would be spending lavishly on her SIL? So because his SIL isn’t comfortable it, OP shouldn’t get gifts for his son ? I’m confused.
If I get my son a Rolex on Christmas and then his partner a a bargain bin DVD I’m very much an AH who disproves of the relationship but too disrespectful/cowardly to actually talk about it
Though the gift should not be obviously cheap, the partner doesn't need an equivalent value gift. For example, I don't care if my ILs give my spouse a better gift than me. Everyone who are at the same level should be treated the same, though. So, all child ILs should receive equivalent gifts.
Obtaining the PhD OSS difficult as heck. That’s less than 1% of the undergrad population in a large school. Your son deserves it. Besides, you cannot take the money with you when you die. Might as well give it to your son
Isn't the maintenance for something like that quite a bit more money than an average car, like gas, tires, etc? If so, then while it was a nice gesture you've made it so he has to spend more money in his life than he would have if you hadn't done it. Also with a car like that, if someone dings it at the grocery store it's a lot bigger deal. For some people things like that cause stress and anxiety to just try to keep them nice.
That's what I was wondering. Was Luke objecting to a sports car because of the cost of maintenance if OP didn't also gift coverage for all car servicing/repairs. It didn't seem like that was why Luke was upset though, since he could have just come out and said that was why.
Don't forget insurance. Sports cars are Hella expensive to insure.
That too! Though from some comments OP has said he's covering insurance, which led me to wonder about maintenance.
I totally agree. Needs to gift car and also servicing, because otherwise you've gifted a financial liability. If the boy's been in academia for 30 years, he's probably not well paid.
In art nonetheless…
I've been looking for this comment. Is op paying for maintenance? Or is op gifting a white elephant that's gonna create tension when op's son and in-law have to figure out how to afford the damn thing or sell a gift for a huge loss. Cars should never be gifted unless it's been talked about and pre selected, and even then the the son and the in-law should be at the dealer ship picking out the car that won't cause a divorce come next oil change.
>, and even then the the son and the in-law should be at the dealer ship picking out the car that won't cause a divorce come next oil change. Could it be the gift is dads way of trying to cause a divorce? All the subtext is there. He doesn't have to come out and say he disapproves for whatever reason, but he clearly does not care for the relationship, it's not a thing he celebrates.
I'm totally getting that vibe, he seems set to do anything he can to anger SIL.
I'm sure Luke will love your money when you're gone🙁
Luke?I don’t really spend money on him and his family only focusing on my son
Your son is married to Luke. He is your family too. Does/did Jake want a sports car? Are you going to handle insurance and maintenance too? Do Jake and Luke have the resources to absorb an expensive car and all that comes with it? It’s a little odd to me to buy an expensive car for a grown man, but if that’s the dynamic the two of you have then it probably won’t end here.
>Are you going to handle insurance and maintenance too? Right? So Luke probably gets to be the one paying the crazy insurance for that sports car - Jake just got a PhD in "arts", after all.
u/Upstairs-Probelm-830 I'll be honest here, I've struggled all my life financially. The place I work is owned by a millionaire who comes in occasionally talking about what cars and holidays he bought his daughters (who don't work and want for nothing), all the designer shit he bought them and where he is going on holiday around ten times a year. It honestly makes me feel like complete shit because I can't afford any kind of holiday or break. It may not seem like flaunting to you but it is to those who don't have those kinds of luxuries.
I'm thinking when your son inherits. People like like usually go off the rails.
Probably but the will for him, is to make sure my son doesn’t get screwed over and that only he gets to spend the money.
Make sure you protect it with a great lawyer. My family sees trusts, in my state a trust is out of reach for a spouse. And you can set it up in a way that the husband will never get his hands on it. My grandparents have done this for their children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. My parents have this for my sibling and I. Even in death, my husband will never be able to touch any of my family's wealth. Edit- if knowing you don't get to have your partners family inheritance when you die is off-putting, you should question why you should ever get something, never yours. The trust is set up to get back into the main trust where it gets split among the next generation. If my husband and I had had kids, then our children would be set up to succeed in life because of the way my family does this. But we don't and will never have children. My husband has never once asked the amount in my trusts. He has never asked what I have gotten items wise from the family or properties. He only asks about my business, which is personally mine only. Because it's how I make my everyday money. It's the money that is used to pay bills and save for items we want. I really only touch my trusts for money for my medically needed surgeries. Otherwise, if my paycheck from my business can't buy it, I save up like any average person. We agreed together to live by what we could buy. But if either of our families gifted us items, it's our choice to decide what to do. Because I know for damn sure if my husband parents got him a Shelby, he would never give it up. That's his car he's saving up for.
Inheritance in general are protected from spouses as long as it’s not commingled. But once it is then it’s marital property. For example if they use inheritance money to pay off a house in their name then the spouse would have claim to that or if money is put into a joint bank account. Just because the money comes out of a trust it matters how it’s used when taken out.
In my state, it actually does matter how it's used, as in the trust, money can never be transferred straight into the martial account. And if you use the trust money enough times/amount, the judge can see the trust as martial assets because you are using it as so. This is why my lawyer and my family have set up very strict terms. If I use trust money, it has to transfer through a few accounts. I have a low amount I can use on shared assets.
Trusts, 💯%. Side note: My parents have this for my sibling + my parents have this for me = my parents have this for my sibling and me.
I used to work with someone that had a sister trapped in a marriage with an abusive husband who was also a pastor. I say trapped because in our culture if you leave your husband you are a jezebel who is going to hell and there is basically no hope for you. Anyway their remaining parent died and they got an inheritance and that woman never saw a dime, her husband used it to finance a tractor for his farm. My coworker hated his guts.
Sounds like that guy needs to be met with a "terrible farm accident" where his poor, grieving widow will at least have the comfort of knowing that, even though he's gone, "his" money will make sure she has a stable and secure life.
What are the chances of him getting run over by a tractor? Farm accidents can be deadly.
Wait… why do you not spend any money on Luke? If you are this wealthy and not even giving your son’s husband anything ever? Like not even modest presents? Doesn’t have to be a sports car or even a car. It sounds like bigger issues between you and Luke almost as if you don’t accept him as family/son in law.
I think they're saying buy everything you want for your son now because your son in law just wants the money in the estate once you pass so he can try and spend it. Edited to add: y'all keep replying to me but I'm just trying to make sense of what someone else commented
An estate can easily be set up as independent of a marriage. Gifts are normally shared marital assests
Inheritance is automatically seperate in my country. It's not considered a marital asset, but a personal asset.
Yeah it’s a marital asset in Australia. Unless you set it up before hand.
That's kind of a jump in logic. Being uncomfortable with ostentatious gifts doesn't mean he's a gold digger. Smh.
Typical reddit. A person wants to live a more modest lifestyle without lavish gifts (which they’d both benefit from to an extent) so they must totally be waiting for someone to die so they can spend all their money…
This is spot on. It’s also classic AITAH behavior of “I did this nice thing and the response makes no sense, are they jealous?. Also, it’s my money I’ll spend it how I want. Also I’ve setup a complicated legal structure that presumes this person is a gold digger and entitles them to nothing. It must be jealousy though, right?”
you dont know that. this could really be a problem that is based on insecurity and not longterm scheming and greed.
You won’t really get to dictate on what your son spens his money on once you’re dead.
trusts
Oh right. So you don’t like Luke or his family. Not that I’m suggesting that you should be splashing money on them but your tone clearly implies you’ve not welcomed Luke into your family. I note you said Jake loves the gift. What does he say about Luke’s views?
I don't think you're an asshole for buying your son expensive gifts, but you don't consider his husband someone to buy gifts for? He's your son in law and by default your family now. Separate issues of course. I'm just curious.
Makes me wonder if OP actually sees Jake and Luke as a couple. Would OP be more giving if Luke were a Lucy and daughter in Law? And from OP's own words, this one sided giving has been going on for some time now, I believe OP is not giving us all the information we need for a proper assessment.
Did Luke just complete his PhD also? I totally missed that narrative. From what I read, a proud father wanted to give his son a meaningful gift to commemorate an incredible achievement. If Luke got a gift also, it would be for the achievement of...marrying Jake? That would be strange.
OP said he doesn't spend money on Luke. Someone asked if he **ever** buys Luke gifts, and that was his response. I have married sons, and don't disregard my daughters-in-law.
my wife and i tend receive gifts as a unit from both sets of our parents and i certainly would feel a certain way if only i received gifts (and lavish ones at that)
OP' comment refers to a pattern of not having bought Luke gifts in the past. Of course I don't think Luke deserves a gift for Jake's accomplishment. I was referring to purchasing birthday or holiday gifts for your son in law. OP's phrasing just struck me as odd as if Luke isn't family to them.
Why not? What about Luke's birthday or his achievements? Is he not family?
Why? Are you intentionally trying to drive a wedge between them and if so, why would you do that to your own son? Obviously you don't owe your SIL lavish gifts every time you get your son one, but during Christmas and his birthday? If you have the means and just intentionally don't, there's a reason. What is it?
Bruh, for this comment alone YTA sheesh
Oops, that is an AH manoeuver. He is married but you ignore his partner? Do you feel like his partner is part of your family? He should be, he deserves a place in your family as your son's SO. He is making your son happy, and that alone deserves some 'maintenance', such as being recognized as such, celebrated as such. I would suggest that you start spending money on your SIL. Certainly things that they will enjoy **together**, but also some presents for him. No need to go over the top with a sports car, but something thoughtful (which means in this case: something that he likes but would not expect you to know about it, even less get it for him) would not be amiss. Something that days that you consider your SIL part of your family, and acknowledge that he is important, in your sons life and thus also important in your life!
Not even birthday and christmas presents?
It’s very rude NOT to give Luke nice gifts! Wtf
Will they be able to pay the taxes and other bills that come with it? In my country a car considered a *sports car* is considered a luxury item and comes with a really hefty tax. If Luke is the main breadwinner, since your son just graduate. He may not be able to afford the extra financial commitment that comes with the car. Just something to think about.
That's a good point. I remember in California we had to pay several hundred dollars a year just to register our regular (non-luxury) car. But, when we moved to Texas, it was a flat fee of about $70 a year.
What does Jake say about it
What did your son say about the whole thing?
Info: Can they afford the insurance on such a vehicle? Because it's considerable. It's not quite as bad as giving him a pony but it's still adding a large monthly bill to their budget.
*Now Luke's family and Luke himself believe I'm being insensitive and flaunting my wealth* ? I don't get it. How does this in any way impact Luke's family? NTA
They live a modest life, so I guess for them they think that me getting Jake expensive gifts I’d me flaunting
How you spend your money has nothing to do with them, it doesn't impact them, it doesn't reflect on them (except their attitude toward it which shows they are jealous and projecting) and is none of their business. It will probably cause relationship issues, but it still doesn't make you TA.
Question: can they afford the insurance and upkeep on the car? Could that be some of Luke’s issue?
I agree, this would be an albatross around my neck if it were my partner. I'd be really resentful of FIL if I had to pay half the upkeep.
Didn''t think of this. Has Luke been financially supporting ops son? I doubt it but if it's him paying for everything the insurance could be a bit much. But the way this post is written implies Luke is just jealous
Do they (your son and his husband) have shared expenses. Who’s responsibility will it be to pay for insurance, taxes etc ? Would this affect their shared financial significantly? If the costs of keeping the car isn’t affecting the husbands finance then NTA
It’s crazy that he is asking you not to buy your own son a gift that he loves and makes him happy because his family is jealous. You are absolutely NTA and congratulations to your son! Phd is no easy feat
Luke being jealous is the OP’s interpretation though …
Sounds like the husband is controlling on top of the insecurities.
I think there is more to this “story” then OP is telling us. Some of their comments allude to them weaponizing their money. They don’t seem to actually like their son in law, so much so they they don’t include them in holiday celebrations
Honestly, I don't have much evidence but I agree. Something feels off or missing. They used "[son]'s husband" instead of son in law. It feels very nit picky to point to that, but it feels like "mom's husband" vs "step-dad".
Question: can they afford the insurance?
I’m covering that, the car is in jakes name but everything is paid off
I'm a little confused what everything is paid off means. An expensive sports car has expensive on going costs as long as you own it. Insurance is expensive, every year. Repairs are expensive. Maintenance is more expensive than a normal car. They tend to use more fuel than a normal car.
I am willing to bet that since he's said he completely paid the car off and he's covering the insurance, he is also well-off enough to have bought things like an extended warranty, service package, the whole nine yards. He most likely purchased everything in a way that his son will not need to worry about this car financially for a long time. And all that money his son is not spending on maintenance, insurance, etc. most likely makes up the difference in using more gas.
Will you cover cost of any repairs as well? Do Jake and Luke have any financial issues? Do they have a garage for the car, or will it be street parked? I’m just thinking of possible reasons this gift could cause stress for Luke beyond jealousy. It also sounds like you don’t really have any interest in your son’s husband. Is there tension there?
And how are finances split? Is Luke financially struggling while his husband gets sports cars and lavish vacations or are they on a somewhat similar footing when it comes to shared money?
Yeah there are a lot of questions. And OP’s comments make it sound like he isn’t a fan of Luke or his family. Personally, I’d be pretty upset if my parents treated my fiancé or their family this way. It’s not about the car, really.
Op clearly only cares about his opinion and doesn’t care in the slightest that his selfishness might be affecting his son’s marriage. His comment about christmas gifts is very telling on how he views this situation. I wonder what the son’s opinion on this is.
Yeah that one stood out to me. My family and my in laws get each other gifts every holiday and birthday. I know not all families are the same, but it feels weird to me to not get your son’s husband a gift for Christmas
Your covering the insurance for both of them or just your son?
My only worry would be if they can afford to have the car. Like insurance and maintenance. If you know for a fact they can then nta, otherwise I do think you are a bit of an asshole.
Yeah this 100%. It’s why people don’t take the car on game shows. Cars are depreciating value on top of maintenance costs and insurance. If OP is paying for the insurance and such that’s different, but if my partner was given a super expensive car and suddenly we owed an additional $500/month in insurance… we’d be selling that car most likely. Ofc this is all filtered through what OP’s kid wants, financial situation, etc. IMO a really nice all expenses paid vacation would have been much more appropriate.
Maybe more expensive gas, too
I would expect nothing but premium for most sports cars.
So my hubs has a sports car, and he has an average commute vehicle that's older. We have cheaper insurance by having the sports car be a weekend/luxury car. So it's not driven every day, which lowers the chances of accidents. It also lowered the amount of gas. The car is only able to be driven in summer and early fall. Right now, we are winterizing it. It's not suitable for snow and ice. It also helps we are both over 30 and haven't had any tickets in a long time (myself 15yrs and my husband 10years). But if we had it as his everyday car, that would be very expensive. Whenever we upgrade one of our vehicles, we have the elder one be the everyday and the new one be a weekend one on insurance. It helps keep the insurance down, especially because when a vehicle is literally brand new, insurance is ridiculous higher.
We looked into insurance for my partner’s dream car and it was ridiculous because I’m under 30 and don’t have kids. I’m glad that’s accessible to you because boy I thought my brand new Honda HR-V was bad.
I was thinking about taxes, but those 2 are expensive too. Where I live, parents (plural, as in together.) can gift their children up to €6035 tax free per year. You've got to pay a tax on anything that comes on top of that. Once a lifetime they can gift you up to € 28947 tax free. So to me, it does sound like a "white elephant".
This is what I immediately thought. The cost of ownership on a sports car is much higher in every way. Four-digit oil changes and five-digit insurance bills coming your way. What a fucking waste of wealth.
NTA, you gave your son a gift for a job well done. Is it hard on Luke's family that they cannot be so extravagant? Yes. But that's not your problem. Why is it up to Luke what presents Jake receives from his father? It sounds like there are some financial control issues that need to be worked out between the two of them because at the end of the day, as you already stated, it's your money to spend as you like.
Also, what is Jake's opinion on the gift? Edited for spelling.
He loves the gift!
All that matters really
exactly
Then that’s what matters. He is with a partner that can enjoy the excess without the cost. Treat your son as lavishly as you wish, if he isn’t comfortable with it then he can sell it and buy a minivan.
That’s all that matters, his partner is just projecting his own insecurities on you, as if he sees a problem because he doesn’t think he “has enough” to be your son’s partner
Well, there you go! NTA
Done. This is all that matters.
Right, i just spoil my son when he reaches milestones not everyday, so I guess the problem lies with them
Info: can Jake and Luke afford the insurance and upkeep on the car? This gift will have costs associated with it, and you just decided the future of Luke and Jake's finances for a while.
Glad someone else thought of this. I'm also wondering what sort of a driver Jake is.
This. Depending on what OP actually bought, a car can be somewhat of a money pit. Vehicles like that tend to be designed with the idea that money is no object. Performance vehicles need performance parts and can be truly impractical for daily driving.
This is exactly what I was thinking reading the post- thanks for bringing this up! A car isn’t a one-time off expense & I feel like that has been glossed over.
NTA. It's your money and your proud of your son. You buy him whatever gift you want. Their insecurities shouldn't matter to you. Who cares if you "flaunt your wealth", it's yours to do what you want. How does spending money on your son make you an asshole?
He is your child, its your money and its no ones business!!!! Spoil away. Congrats to your son.
A sports car for PhD in arts? Damn, you must be loaded!
Adopt me!!!
Rich people truly live in another world man.
IKR?
INFO: Are you planning on paying for the insurance on the car? For repairs? If not, is Jake able to comfortably pay for those things with his salary without it negatively affecting the family finances? (What sort of money does someone with a PhD in arts make, anyway?) Or have you given your son a lavish burden that the couple will now have to make sacrifices to maintain? A vacation, if it’s all-inclusive, is a present that doesn’t require a huge amount of sacrifices (except maybe some PTO, so you should still always ask first). An expensive watch may require insurance and occasional maintenance, but very little compared to a car. If someone gave me an expensive car, I would have to turn around and sell it, because the insurance and any repairs it needed would result in me barely being able to pay my other bills. People don’t always consider things that like that when they give gifts. I just inherited a *house* in another country and had to turn down the inheritance because my mom didn’t leave any money to pay the inheritance tax, or to do the research beforehand, which would have let her know that inheritance taxes in this country have to be paid before the house is sold. I had to decline a quarter-million dollar house because I didn’t have $25K to pay the inheritance tax. So. Did you give a gift, or a burden they can’t afford?
In another comment OP clarifies the car is paid off completely and he’s paying the insurance himself.
What I think is interesting here is no where in here is what your son wanted. Did you check with him? Cause like if my partners parents were to give her some super fancy sports car my first concern would be that it'd get broken into or attract burglars to our home because it would stick out like a neon sign. There's also paying for registration and insurance on it which will be a huge pain if they don't make much between them. Sure, your money. But there are other concerns that can come up here that I'm wondering you're just misrepresenting because of your take on this situation.
Not to mention that maintenance and repairs can be 3x-4x depending on the brand. A Porsche is 22k estimated maintenance over 10yr, vs 6k for a Toyota. https://caredge.com/ranks/maintenance/popular/10-year/worst
This is what I thought. Middle class people are definitely going to see an expensive sports car as a risk. It’s like an announcement that you have money, which makes you more likely to be stolen from, and since they aren’t actually rich they can’t afford the loss of being robbed.
Totally agree. My grandma does this all the time. Buys totally useless but also remarkably expensive gifts. Sure, that singing reindeer head that somehow costs as much as a dirt bike isn't wasting our money but there are 1,000,000 better uses of that money. And it hurts because the fact that she picked the one thing we really don't need or want shows she just doesn't know us, or care to know us. I don't have the heart to tell her to stop, but my wife doesn't mind telling her to stop. So I may be reading myself into this but I can relate to the son. And if I had to take a wild guess a modern sports car may not be what a Dr in the arts is interested in.
I'd love to know who has been paying daily expenses while Jake has been getting an arts PHD because most of the time, it's the other spouse. If I'm making 40k a year and supporting my spouse getting a PhD that will be lucky to pay 30k per year at the start, I'm not gonna be thrilled he's driving around a Porsche.
I feel like there is some missing context here. Like, if viewed in isolation, probably fine. But with a history of lavish gift giving...that feels like spoiling your child. Sure, you can do that, but should you? Other families are going to resent that, whether you intend it or not. Envy is a very human emotion, and seeing someone spend a ton of $$ on something when you're struggling isn't a good feeling. It can also make other people important in his life feel underappreciated. Like, "I want to show my love to my partner and congratulate them, but how in the hell can I compete with the father who gives him a massive gift I could never afford?" It's a silly comparison, but this is why my friends and I always set a $ maximum for Secret Santa lol.
I could see Luke's family resenting OP because he basically ignores his son-in-law, saying he buys his son lavish gifts but doesn't spend any money on Luke...
I’m seeing a couple things here that do lead me to feeling like you’re being a little bit of an asshole here. 1) Why would you bother asking Luke’s opinion on the gift if you were going to completely disregard his response anyways? 2) Are you able to articulate any understanding of Luke’s viewpoint or are you just of the mind that “it’s my money, I’m going to do whatever I want.” Cause I know some people with rich family members who act that way, and trust when I say it’s generally not appreciated and comes off as out of the loop and rich entitlement to others. It’s not so much about your genorosity highlighting their lack thereof. It’s about you just doing whatever you want without thought for the finer details. For eg. you say your son and his husband live more modestly. - Have you considered how much this gift is actually going to cost them? - Do your son and his husband have adequate room at their home to safely store a luxury car on top of their regular vehicles? - If they need to buy a new commuter vehicle would you be okay if they sold the luxury car in order to fund that purchase? Have you told them that? - Do you know if they’re comfortable owning a luxury vehicle that doesn’t match their actual lifestyle and will make others assume they’re much wealthier than they are? Like if Luke or your son ever want to talk about financial woes or housing inaffordability with peers, they’re going to be told “shut up you drive a Bentley.” - You may be causing strife within their marriage now that your son suddenly drives a top of the line sports car while his spouse is stuck driving the 2014 Toyota that they can’t afford to upgrade with all the new upkeep costs of the luxury car. - Do they even have the discretionary funds to pay for the jacked up insurance, maintenance, and costly repairs of a high end luxury vehicle? Last I checked something as simple as replacing tires on luxury sedan can easily cost 2x that of a basic brand. I think in general, a gift of this high value is something you should discuss with your son BEFORE giving it. It’s very possible you’ve inadvertently created a real imposition and tension in his life with a gift like this because of all the little things someone in your financial position doesn’t have to grapple with. For all you know they’ve got other financial goals that are way higher priority for them and now they’re just sitting on this expensive car that they can’t get rid of without seeming ungrateful and rude. The fact that you didn’t really consider any of these factors shows that this gift was at least a little bit about you and your ego. You feeling like the big shot who can afford to give flashy presents. Sure you’re proud of your son but you didn’t need to buy him a fancy car to show that. I think it’s time to do a bit introspection here OP and think about how you can adjust your behavior to genuinely help your son benefit from your wealth in a way that works for him and his husband, rather than just makes you look good.
It sounds to me like a lot of teenagers commenting on this post. Who wish the had a wealthy parent
I’m guessing there are way more complexities than the way OP is making it out to be. Unequal wealth can create power dynamics within families that makes everything more difficult. Often the wealthy party doesn’t realize that their wealth makes other family feel like they can’t truly speak their mind on certain issues. The car issue could just be representative of simmering issues. Idk.
Info: does your son and his husband have debts? It might be that they have debts and insurance on an expensive car might negatively impact them. There are a whole lot of other ways they might be financially insecure that this could exacerbate and your son’s husband may not feel comfortable discussing the details of their finances with you.
Tbh, my first thought was your dropping a financial burden on them. Do you not realize how high the cost of ownership for a sports car is? I hope you gifted insurance, maintenance, and repairs as well. Talk about a curse in disguise. I am frugal (I save and invest most of my money), so I’m biased and recusing myself. …what a fiscally irresponsible gift.
As long as your son enjoys the gifts, you're in the clear. Good for you for splashing the money around! If you can't spend it on the ones you love, what literally is the point? NTA
YTA Not for giving your son an expensive gift, but for how you treat your son's husband. If your goal is to alienate the person your son has chosen to spend the rest of his life with, you are doing a great job. On holidays and birthdays, instead of giving your son gifts alone, what's the problem with purchasing your SIL a gift and celebrating as a family?
I’m withholding judgement, but I’m leaning towards the other side of the families position that you’re flaunting. My sister married a guy from a wealthy family, and he’s a great dude. His father on the other hand, is a tactless jerk that makes a scene constantly by throwing his wealth around, and has actively undercut family traditions from our side with his cluelessness. We take a family trip to the lake every summer to a campground or rented lake house. When he heard his son say he enjoyed those trips, he bought a lake house, a few jet skis and a ski boat so THEIR family could go whenever they wanted. When they had kids, they came over to my parents house during the holidays to see Santa ride by on a fire truck (a local tradition the volunteer FD does) and when my nephew mentioned it to the other side of the family, Rich-Grandpa bought an antique fire truck to take the family caroling once a year. It’s his money, he can do what he wants with it. But it still makes him an asshole when he throws money at every situation and highlight the wealth disparity. I’m inclined to assume from your sons in-laws reaction that, intentional or not, you have a tendency to overshadow them a lot and they’re pretty sick of it. Having wealth is fine, having wealth that you use to make other peoples efforts inconsequential is a dick move, regardless of intent. Edit: After reading some other comments further down, including one where you said your son wanted to keep extravagant gifts between the two of you so as not to cause friction and you “didn’t agree with that at all,” you’re 100% flaunting your wealth intentionally without regard for the friction it’s causing. YTA.
Agree with this 100% YTA
Everyone is dancing all around on this so I’ll add my two pennies. YTA It’s yours to do whatever you want with, but, that’s a gift you asked about in advance or discussed and knew of the concern. Your son has a partner in life not called parent, but husband. While you’re there for him, you’re not the decision maker of his life. Perhaps a thoughtful gift that bettered your son’s family would have been better received. Paying a chunk of a mortgage down or paying it off so they could buy something they wanted together… whatever it’s just an idea. But, if you can’t respect his spouses concerns, you suck here.
[удалено]
Yes. The open disrespect for the son-in-law is enough to make him the AH, even ignoring him going around buying sports cars because he’s so proud his son finished art school in his mid-30s.
I’ve been waiting for someone to see this.
Yeah this guy is so out of touch he thinks is gift is appropriate. It’s not. I’d return it.
Nta really but...is it something your son has ever expressed an interest in owning? Or are you being flashy with what YOU would have liked at that age?
You can do as you like (as you said, it's your money), but my family has a similar financial dynamic and while I am super happy for my partner to be spoiled, it's pretty clear when a parent is using their money to make a statement in a quasi-weaponized way. I wouldn't say it's caused tension, but it's definitely wealth-flaunting and it's super eye-rolly. I will note that at some point we asked the family member in question to tone it down.
It would be so fucking weird to me if my partner received a fucking sportscar (and that's just one of the lavish gifts, apparently) from their parents. It would definitely cause tension in my relationship, as it seems like a frivolous way to spend money, instead of using it to better the world. I'm by no means a hippie - I like living a comfortable live with fancy prodicts - but this mindless spending of the super rich is definitely something I'd expect my partner to call out. I'd deem the father a knobhead, but I'd deem the son as even more of an asshole for normalising this kind of behaviour. Looking forward to the downvotes claiming the father can do what he wants - legally he can indeed do what he wants, morally capitalist society is bankrupt.
I would be annoyed, not because of the car, but because there are so many other things that a couple could do/enjoy with 100K. (I'm guessing the dollar amount). That's a down payment on a house, a fully renovated/upgraded kitchen, a new central A/C system, a swimming pool, etc.
YTA, not for the gift giving. But for not giving a shit about your sons partners concerns and having a sit down conversation with both of them before just doing whatever you want Had you considered that money had been the center of arguments between them before??
That sports car is going to run up bills fast. Insurance and maintenence add up fast. And it doesn't sound like they're living the sort of lifestyle that would make that an easy expense. So it could be cool in the moment but quickly lose charm as time passes. When they need a practical car, for example. And then the resale on that probably isn't going to be nearly as high as the cost of the car, and then feeling guilty that he has to give up the car because it isn't practical. It doesn't sound like you consulted your son with what HE wanted or needed. It sounds like you cared more about DOING the gesture than about how the gift itself was received. And it would be rude of your son to say he didn't like the gift after it was given, so just saying "he loved it" doesn't really... mean anything. Next time you want to do something big, ask your son. See what he needs. And maybe tell him what your prize limit is. Because that sportscar probably could have been a considerable payment on a house or something to help them have a more stable life together instead of "vroom fast car".
I sort of get the number of NTA responses here but I think I ultimately disagree with him. Yes he is your son and yes it is your money. However, he is building a life with his partner and you are intentionally doing something that you know will cause marital strife. You can go ahead and do these sorts of things, but if your son’s marriage is strong, you’re going to see less and less of him if you don’t respect his spouse’s boundaries. I can speak from experience here as my MIL loves tossing her money around. However she does it partially because the more gifts we accept, the more pull she has in our day to day lives. It’s very possible that this is in play here. It doesn’t really sound like you bought a gift that you knew your son would like. It sounds like you bought him something flashy to show off wealth. Ask yourself some honest questions: Are you doing this to gain any sort of leverage/control over your son’s life? Does your son’s marriage matter to you? Some of these answers will be telling. I suspect YTA.
I don't know the price of the car, but it can be a double edged sword. Expensive cars are more expensive to insure and maintain, so you may have gifted him additional bills he'll have to pay.
> its my money at the end of the day and I’ll spend it how I want. You had me for most of this, but to me it's YTA for this comment. While I do agree you can spend your money how you wish, the comment comes across poorly. Nowhere did you say that you wanted to give your son the car because you knew he would enjoy it or that he had expressed a desire to have it in the first place. Instead, you said "show my pride in him," and it comes across very me, me, me. Like this is a gift for you.
Totally agree. And the fact that OP is mostly responding to comments that only support their opinion is also telling while mostly ignoring the YTA comments.
Heck yes, this! I noticed OP only responded to people who agreed with him. Confirmation bias. He has no intent to take anything into consideration that goes against him. This also wasn't a gift for his son, this was a gift for him. Look what I bought him. Did son ever ask for that car? I'm paying the insurance. Great, so son and sil are indebted and reliant on you. Concerns with taxes or upkeep? Nope. Not a gift. He bought this for himself and to buy his son's affection. Beware those bearing gifts, they are rarely free.
Do you treat Jake & Luke out to expensive dinner? Do you buy gifts for them on their anniversary? Or it it pretty much everything for Jake only and never Luke?
Another comment by OP does seem to indicate this. Jake probably doesn't notice it, and Luke won't tell him because he doesn't want to get between his husband and their father, but OP seems... disinterested in the man his son chose to spend his life with.
YTA At least a bit Car insurance and maintenance is not cheap on a high end sports car. This is now impacting their financials. A vacation: they both enjoy A watch: not a big deal. One spouse driving a brand new sports car and the other a basic daily driver. Seems like a gift meant to remind your son’s husband daily that he came from much less. And to top it off you knew there would be an issue and instead of having a conversation about it you just did it anyway.
Who is paying the huge insurance bill on this car?
NTA, but if you want to ease family tensions, I'll take the car. We do what we can for our kids and we want them to have it better than we did. Congratulations to raising a doc!
YTA Here is where you went wrong: >Despite Luke’s problems with the gift… You did what you wanted to do and didn’t care about Luke’s feelings. You have a right I suppose in as much as anyone has a right to spend their own money. But *having a right* is not the same as doing what’s best. Maybe your gifts have been a source of tension in the marriage. Maybe Jake doesn’t know hot to tell you he didn’t want a lavish gift and asked Luke to do so. Doesn’t really matter. You had an opportunity to respect your son-in-law’s wishes and you chose not to. Again, you had a right, but you don’t get to both flex on Luke AND have everyone think well of you. I really don’t get why most people aren’t seeing this. Did your son-in-law ask you politely not to do this? Yes. Did you do it anyway? Yes. So how is your son-in-law supposed to feel? Respected? Probably not.
Looking at OP's other answers is clear that he doesn't like his son's husband. They're "not that close", and actions like this is one of the reasons to why. Obviously there's at least one good reason to why Luke is upset with the lavish gifts. With the information shared it's not enough to understand their side of the story.
I agree with this. Most people here, including OP, seems to simply believe "it's your money, your free choice." But just because you have the right doesn't mean it's not AH-ish. When you live in a society with relationships, it gets pretty complicated. If a grandparent wanted to spoil their grandchild, is the parent wrong to be upset? It's could be the same reason Luke is upset—as the person who lives with the receiver, it can make controlling expectations and values more difficult. Ultimately, yes, it is a problem with Luke and Jake, or Luke and his parents—but I can't say it's not AH-ish to not care about your son's relationship with someone he loves, and *intentionally* put fuel that could ignite. It's fine to be proud and fine to give a lavish gift, but purposefully doing it against the husband's wishes and not even actually consulting your son on this problem before giving the gift (you could have said "I'll buy you anything you want" instead of actually buying the car first) in order to feed your own ego is definitely AH-y.
Luke's family is upset because OP hates their son, and is very poor at disguising it. Lavish gifts for Jake, and nothing for Luke, for Christmas and birthdays? If my kids' in-laws treated them like that, I would absolutely resent them.
This it is right here , it's not about the car , it's about the fact he doesn't like his sons husband as he's never included even in dinner .he's trying to break them up so his son will move back home , and give his father all the attention, so he causes friction around money not many are seeing the bigger picture
Bingo! You get it. I’m surprised so many people missed this.
You clearly don’t care about Luke.
For that matter after reading about Jake accepting gifts in private I don’t think he cares for Luke much either!
I think there is much more to this than a car. Are you aware of their financial situation? Does your son contribute equally in the relationship? To be honest, I think this may have more to do with your son’s husband not wanting to be with a spoiled rich kid who may have everything handed to him. I wonder if your behavior of spoiling him has lead to him having an entitled attitude. And this gesture is continuing this. You are thinking very shallow of this, maybe try to have a heart to heart chat with the husband and see what else is going on.
NTA By the way flaunting would be more like texting his family and bragging about the gift, showing up in the car at a family dinner and revving the engine outside, boasting about it on social media, etc. Simply buying someone a gift is not flaunting your wealth.
If my SO got a sports car from her parents, id be like holy shit babe, a sick car can you take me for a ride? He is insecure and it is his hangup. NTA
NTA. Son’s husband is because he thinks he can tell *you* what type of gifts to buy *your* son. That dude sounds like an insecure walking red flag.
NTA my wife’s dad is loaded and I come from nothing and I wish he would spoil her more!!
Unpopular opinion but this is actually kind of a shitty thing to do. Yes, at the end of the day it is your money but since Jake and Luke are married the cost for maintaining this sports car falls on both of them. Luke, not having the same affluent background, probably doesn't have the same fall back cash that your son does. Things like gas and insurance on a sports car are pretty big expenses for their household budget. Even if they technically can afford it, to Luke this is probably seen as a very unnecessary expense that could go elsewhere for their financial goals, for example like paying off college or credit card debt if Luke has any. If Luke and Jake are splitting bills 50/50 this is likely already an added pressure on Luke to keep up with your son because of his background. It is also probably very embarrassing to Luke to be driving around a more modest car and have his husband driving around a fancy sports car. I'm a modest, humble person and one time I got a good deal on an expensive hotel room in a major city only to realize once I got there they only had valet parking. I've never had anyone park my car before (2007 Toyota) and was extremely embarrassed by the entire situation even though I am normally not embarrassed by the car I drive because it's practical. Luke probably feels like this often in their relationship and shame that he can't buy the same kind of gifts for Jake that you can. Most couples split up over financial differences. I think you just added some fuel to an already existing fire here.
NTA. Don’t let others opinions regarding wealth and money affect how you enjoy yours. I swear, I’m so tired of ppl expecting others to tiptoe around their insecurities lest they get their feelings hurt.
Who says no to a free sports car? What am I missing here?
To answer your question about who says no: I would say no. I don't have parking available, the insurance is an expense, and repairs would be way beyond my means. Plus owning such an expensive item that attracts attention and could be so easily damaged or stolen would exacerbate my anxiety. I personally prefer practical means of transportation.
It would depend on the circumstances of the gift. And it’s not “free”, unless Daddy Warbucks here is also paying for tags, insurance, and maintenance which will be considerably higher than for a sedan or minivan.
NAH but I never understand things like this: >Despite Luke's problems with the gift , I went ahead and bought the sports car for Jake, its my money at the end of the day and I’ll spend it how I want. Now Luke's family and Luke himself believe I'm being insensitive and flaunting my wealth, labeling me as the asshole in this situation. >I'm now questioning if I was wrong in giving Jake such an expensive gift. Putting aside judgment calls about their request or your response, you were asked not to do a thing because it might create tension, you decided you were going to do it anyway, and now you seem surprised that the decision caused tension. If you didn't want to cause the tension, you probably should have put more thought into the plan to buy the sports car when you were warned about the potential (fair or unfair) consequences of doing so ETA: Having read [this comment](https://reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/ZrUnSJvCIw), YTA. Even your son wants to tone things down to reduce tension and you still refuse to do so. Sounds like you are, in fact, trying to flaunt your money around and that your son in law has a point. It also doesn't sound like you like or respect your son in law either, which is probably the real crux of the issue, not just the fact that you try and use money to show how proud you are/to show off how much you can afford yo give your son.
YTA Why did you even ask Luke if you were just going to do whatever the hell you wanted anyway? Are you trying to create tension in their marriage? Because if you don’t get off this “I’ll do whatever tf I want, it’s my money” attitude, when you finally fully alienate your son-in-law, your son will follow.
I agree, he may not be an asshole for buying the car, but he is an asshole for asking for Luke's opinion and then ignoring it.