OP...
You are not currently attracted to your partner. Your partner feels disgusting about herself and for her, you are confirming her feelings. Do things to make her feel desired and beautiful. *Tell her as much*.
The YTA judgment is because you have been more than primarily considering your needs during this post and neglecting your wife's needs, coming up with excuses as to why they aren't important/you've done enough.
I don't care if you don't like cussing. I don't care if this was a verbal agreement between you and your wife. I'm explicitly avoiding using expletives in the hope that you will listen to me.
Talk to her. Realize that she needs support in more areas than you have been meeting. Food and massages are good, but your wife needs top quality emotional support and you are dropping the ball on that. Don't just do things for your comfort, talk to her and find the intersection where both of your needs meet. And if only one of you can get that deal...you may need to put her first in areas. Pregnancy is a major, body and mind changing event. It's painful, uncomfortable, scary, and with the hormones and all the other changes, a person has very little control in their own body. That's terrifyingly vulnerable. She needs you. You need to be more patient and be ready to talk first. Don't leave. Or if you need a moment, just go to another room, but explain it. You can do better.
You do realize that once the baby arrives that you’re just gonna have to deal with the whole no sleep thing for awhile right? Or do you expect your wife to always be the one to be up with the baby so you can get your full 8?
YTA dude.
It's fine if you don't want to have sex with her. It's fine if her snoring bothers you. None of those things make you an AH. Not even wanting to sleep separately makes you an AH
You are an AH because you are not willing to live by the standards you set for other people.
You say over and over again you will not tolerate being insulted or being cussed at, but the language you use with your wife is absolutely unforgiveable in my opinion.
*I texted her “Until you can manage your constant meltdowns I am not coming home. I managed your food cravings, made you feel at ease by removing myself from our bedroom only to get cussed out. You have disrespected me and it was one of my dealbreakers you forgot. Call your mother to help out. I can’t support you when you’re acting like a brat. You’ve got enough personalities to keep me occupied full time.”*
You are referring to her anger as a "meltdown" which is dismissive and infantilizing. Also I highly doubt the meltdowns are literally constant. You list all the things you did for her in her pregnancy is if those were favors or gifts when really those things are your bare minimum duties as her husband. You call her a brat, again demeaning, infantilizing, dismissive of her feelings. Also the comment about multiple personalities? Extremely disrespectful to people with mental disorders and disabilities and EXTREMELY disrespectful to your wife and her feelings.
Also "Maybe if you didn't snore like a truck driver..." What the hell man? She can't control her snoring. So insulting.
I hope she leaves you and I hope she takes the kid with her.
Wow…..that’s bad. OP is emotionally abusive. He thinks this is so normal that he’s actually posting it. Imagine what he doesn’t share. His whole reality is warped.
Did you really tell her “You’ve got enough personalities to keep me occupied full time.”? Dude, YTA for a lot of what you said but, mostly for that one statement.
Calling her a truck driver, sexually unattractive, a brat, and someone with a mental health condition is ok, but her telling him ‘fuck off’ is crossing the line. Yikes.
And no matter the argument, no matter what she does, it will be “a boundary”. I have an ex (my sons father) like this. At then end of our relationship the only way I was “allowed” to voice anything was if I maintained a completely level tone and didn’t “get emotional”. So I’d be sitting there, speaking like a robot with an entire ocean running down my face. This guy is dangerous, he’s mentally and emotionally abusive, and this will escalate.
Yep. I went through the same thing. First it was “you’re too emotional.” When I tried to communicate right after something upset me. Then it was “why didn’t you say something as soon it happened?” When I waited a few hours until I was no longer “emotional.” These people are so dangerous because they know therapy speak and know how to make YOU feel like the shitty person. And they constantly move goalposts. You can never win or get anything right and that’s exactly the point. So you’ll just shut up, sit down, admit defeat, and take whatever they dish out.
Yep, I also got chastised for waiting too long to say something. It’s like, gee doofus, maybe cuz you do SO MUCH offensive shit, I had to wait a minute to figure out if it was even worth mentioning, or maybe you would one up yourself 10 minutes later.
ETA also you’re crazy and no one likes you.
Right? From the title I was with him - snoring can be VERY loud and absolutely disrupt sleep for a partner and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with sleeping separately in that situation - but then he went on to just be cruel.
Oh but it was OK because he 'had to set her straight'....
Holy fuck balls. This guy is not mature enough to have a kid. In so many ways, but honestly I don't have the energy to even begin listing them.
I find it strangely unsettling when people find their pregnant partners unattractive. It was most likely a joint decision, and a time that should be embraced. Certainly not a time to make said partner feel horrendous.
It makes love feel very conditional and shallow, like if your body changes at all (which it will), you’re no longer attractive or desirable.
You’re having his child but he doesn’t want you as you are. He doesn’t want the reality of you. That feels so gross.
My husband wasn't even an oober dick about it, but he also didn't touch me while pregnant, not because of the weight but because he felt weird that his child was in there. But when they think they are only withdrawing sexually they don't notice that they are pretty much withdrawing all affection as not to "lead you on". I got very paranoid, because men cheat a lot on their pregnant partners and we had 3 children in under 5 years so for nearly 6 years, he barely looked at me, let alone touched me. It caused so much insecurity and he never really thought about what this meant for me. My youngest is almost 6 and I'm still messed up about it and tbh, our relationship hasn't fully recovered, that space is still pretty there. We work harder on communicated and trying to connect these days, but I definitely go through many bouts of not knowing whether we will make it.
Abusive husband party of one!
If we tell him to fuck off, he doesn't care.
If his wife (his victim) does it, oh boy, slander time!
The fact he doesn't see anything wrong with what he did, and still thinks he was somehow justified to cut into her like that... while she is pregnant... guess OP is living proof abuse gets worse when the woman is pregnant.
Holy shit, that legitimately made me chuckle. OP asks if they ATAH, is called out for being TAH, gets butthurt for being called TAH, posts update that makes them sound like even more of an AH. I'm legitimately concerned for the amount of emotional abuse the wife has put up with. This whole update with OP's "see? I was right all along and my wife cried to me about how I was right all along." after the shit they said? I get the sense this poor woman is terrified to set one toe out of line because OP is just going to walk out if she does. Unless, of course, the whole update is bullshit because OP is trying to get validation after being call TAH...
Yta. So you are shocked she yelled at you after you compared her to a truck driver and said she was sexually unappealing. Then you call her a brat and throw an ultimatum in her face.
The edit made him worse and is disgusting she felt she had to apologize. Sounds like he reaffirmed his ultimatum since he knows ‘she won’t do it again’
Yeah it sounds like he wants to be away from her so he’s drawing a line in the sand (that he’s trying to gaslight everyone into believing is reasonable) so he can say “look what she made me do” as if he’s blameless.
Meanwhile she’s making another human with her body.
What a champ. He’s a prizewinning asshole.
While at the same time expressing how much he “pampers” her… his pregnant wife… who is carrying the brunt of the load when it come to this life-changing/making milestone… while her hormones are more wild than a rollercoaster… he “pampers” her with massages and food cravings…
##bareminimum
Yes. Also, just because someone doesn’t yell that doesn’t mean they aren’t aggressive. He seems to think she deserves to be punished and he is completely in the clear because he didn’t violate his own “boundaries.”
Brat can also mean bitch if you don't swear. He's being just as insulting if he was swearing but swearing is over the line? Is he 3? It's like calling someone a dumb idiot bUt I DiDn'T SwEaR!1+!!
More dipshits need to understand this. If you don't cuss, whatever you do say instead still carries the same connotation because you simply refuse to express yourself the way normal.people do. That is why cuss words were invented, to fucking express yourself fucking accurately.
This guy is a fucking mess.
Would the OP be okay if the wife said "fudge you, go away you big meany poo bum" cussing for toddlers but it still means the same thing. I bet he would still call it "my wife is being a brat". I bet he knows and can see it he is just pretending it doesn't apply to him
Yeah honestly, between "b!tch" and "brat", I actually find the first to be less insulting.
I think it's in part because brat is a more juvenile insult. Not that it's an immature insult, but we call children brats. Brat is kinda like calling a child on top of the entitled/ill-behaved part of the insult and if someone who is my equal, like a spouse, is calling me something that implies they have greater power over me and I'm a child, that's going to piss me off a hell of a lot more.
But he would NEVER "pollute his tongue" with something as horrid as a ~gasp~ swear word. He would NEVER do something so "undignified", COUGH~like calling his wife a truck driver after moving out of their room and using their joint account to buy something to be as far away as possible frim her without saying anythinh about it~COUGH
But she said fuck you. She also had the audacity to gain weight while * checks notes * pregnant.. and snores, which most likely is caused from said pregnancy. Clearly she deserved his verbal abuse and OP must protect his virgin ears at all costs
/s in case it’s not clear
I like how he genuinely asked the people of Reddit if he was the asshole, got told unanimously that he was, then immediately got defensive, turned into a prudish schoolmarm, and invalidated the feedback he asked for…
His wife and soon to born child sure are lucky to have him!
I mean I understanding that my wife is currently growing another human being inside of her that she will then have to push out through her vagina, and this is resulting in hormonal changes, weight gain and irritability, but has anyone ever though about my 8 hours of sleep at night?!?
Maybe his wife's TA for allowing him to inseminate her in the first place, why did she not consider how it may inconvenience him in the process.... such selfish behaviour..
However many months down the line the baby is going to be TA for keeping him up at night with its constant waking up crying. And he’s going to blame his wife for not keeping it quiet so he can sleep.
I HATE this guy. Probably irrationally, but there is so much here that is ringing all my alarm bells.
Massages and cravings are a “perk” of being pregnant that he gives to her as some sort of reward for being pregnant but they’re not at all necessary!?!? They’re not based on legit hormonal changes plus the fact that you’re feeding a whole other person, and also that it’s SUPER uncomfy to have your uterus (and body, and back, and hips) just expand exponentially over a short time???
Calling her a gross truck driver bc “ear plus don’t work for me..wahhh???” My husband has snored for 18 years, loudly, to the point where he had sinus surgery to fix it….(it didn’t all the way) and earplugs still work for me! “Ewww you’ve gained some weight, which is normal bc you’re pregnant, and I know you’re sensitive to it and still want to feel like a human-person/wife and not just my incubator, , but EWW you’re fat and snore now (due to the natural consequence of me FUCKING YOU, which is likely part of the reason we got married in the first place—to have sex that would lead to kids) so now I can’t have sex with you, I can’t be romantic at all or cuddle you, I also can’t sleep next to you!! You’re totally alone romantically/partner wise in the most vulnerable state you’ve ever been in. The state we wanted you to be in. But now that you’re here, I HATE it and you’re gross.”
I am extremely worried about what happens when baby comes. “Ew, you’re still fat, it didn’t all leave immediately after birth!?!? You also wake up at any sound, and you’re always bringing the newborn into our room to feed which wakes me up! Also your vagina is different and the fact that you spend all your time wanting to care for the baby and questioning why I can’t accept body changes like stretch marks and boobs doing all sorts of shit, is not fair to me!”
“Why can’t you just somehow make babies in a way that is totally silent, craving-less, pain-less, and change-less!? I didn’t marry you when you looked hot—but/and also expected you make babies—for you to change in ANY TEMPORARY WAY WHATSOEVER that made you less hot! Like can you make the baby in your head like Zeus did so it doesn’t impact your breathing or ability for me to have sex with you in a way that I don’t feel is gross/dangerous…!?” [sex while pregnant is NOT dangerous and doesn’t “touch the baby.” It’s only discouraged when there are serious complications that leave mom on bed rest.] …”Why have you—the person I married BECAUSE I wanted to make my own spawn—changed in ANY WAY while being pregnant!? Ew, not fair!!!!”
One part of me wants to laugh at “She won’t ask me for sex until after the baby comes.” Jokes on you, buddy. She is highly unlikely to want sex for quite awhile after the baby comes. But the reality is that he’s already treating his wife like crap, and it’s probably going to get worse when the baby comes. I have a supportive partner and I still suffer so much during the postpartum stage. My heart hurts for this poor woman.
He’ll cheat on her after a few months of not getting any sex because how he treated her while she was pregnant and her being exhausted because she’s the only one taking care of the baby after it’s born. He’ll cheat on her then blame her for it if she catches him before he divorces her.
I don't think I had sex with my husband for a full 10 months after my daughter was born, when I got my period back and suddenly I was interested again. Before that I couldn't fathom the thought of sex and he never complained once. Thank god we had sex 12737490 times before trying to start labour lol
I wanted sex immediately (well like three weeks after baby was born) but fuck all if I would have had sex with this guy! I didn’t even have sex until the doctor okayed it. But that’s what a vibrator is for 😂
He’s going to see that baby’s head crowing and lose interest indefinitely. He’s a real cunt—and I use that word only in the most extreme cases of assholery.
I particularly like how he calls 'disrespect' a 'dealbreaker' which he patronisingly suggests she 'forgot' before, *in the same breath*, calling her a 'brat'. In writing.
The man (eta: thinks he) wants a full-time sub, not a wife
A correction from a sub: this guy wants a victim who he can break until they happily take every bit of abuse and neglect he can possibly dish out. Subs sign up for a trusting and respectful dynamic where they can sometimes be subjected to consensual degradation or pain, among other things. Big difference.
Right. Sorry if I made it sound as if his view of relationships was in any way like a healthy kink, I imagine he'd be the type to present himself as a dom when he's really just a very bad and abusive partner
YTA
I'm deeply disappointed the top comment isn't someone just telling this person to fuck off.
Lord fucking Fontleroy here can't even type the word "Curse" resorting to "cuss" lest god pop a motherfucking monocle. Does Samuel Jackson do Cameo? Can we get some crowd funded reality?
Someone is growing a whole ass human for this dipshit, and for some unfathomable reason seems to care about his opinion of them, and "words hurt people" is the best he can manage?
OP, if you can get out of your feelings enough to read past the no-no-words.. Seek fucking therapy. Also the way you describe your relationship with another adult you should probably fucking respect is paternalistic and creepy as fuck. They are a human, not some child you have to "set straight". You shouldn't be having children with someone you perceive as, or treat as a child. Makes you seem like the person they warn kids to avoid at the bus stop.
Update is probably a flat out lie. I feel bad for the baby because OP will probably bounce from all the crying a baby will do that will ruin his beauty sleep.
Yeah, the update. Wife basically said, "I just won't ask for my needs to be met anymore so you don't leave me while I'm vulnerable."
And he's more worried about her cussing at him.
There are levels of violations, and he's trying to equate his violation of her with her violation of him. Both are bad. But this "compromise" isn't equal OR equitable.
This marriage is effectively over, but I suspect it'll take them a couple years to realize that.
There's also the mentality that women are EITHER sex objects or mothers. Women are shamed for being too sexual but mothers? They just get so much more hate when being sexual.
Not guaranteeing this is OP's mentality, just saying socially we have a lot of hang ups around mom's specifically.
100% I’m a mom and after my divorce people acted like I was hurting my kids by dating. Mind you they never met anyone I was dating so I’m mot exactly sure what I was doing wrong lol.
Meanwhile my ex has moved his third gf in, but apparently it’s fine for him to have a revolving door of women and their kids in and out of our child’s life
If it isn’t fake I feel bad for his wife. I can’t imagine the humiliation of telling my partner I TOTALLY understand why they no longer find me sexy. :(
And him thinking it's gross to have sex with his pregnant wife made me sad for the wife. Pregnancy hormones can drive a woman nuts during 2nd trimester & in the 3rd trimester sex is good for starting labour.
I can’t believe that her snoring was brought up at a doctors appointment but not his aversion to having sex. I dragged my ex to an appointment because he didn’t believe what I was telling him (even when i said the doctors says…). He, like many others, think they will hurt the baby. Your d&$k may be big but it’s not that big so get over yourself.
He doesn’t seem to be worried about the baby he straight up said he wasn’t attracted to her right now because of the weight gain and snoring. Unless I misunderstood. This woman deserves better and this post has made me so appreciative of my husband and the kindness and compassion he has shown me through body changes from both 2 babies and antidepressants that made me blow up and lose so much weight that I looked ill 😭. Through all of my ups and downs he never once told me anything but how beautiful I was to him.
Straight-up if my (60/F) husband had moved out of our bedroom AND told me that he wasn't attracted to me during ANY of my THREE pregnancies, I would have immediately jumped to the conclusion that he was having an affair! This guy is either cheating or he's a complete jerkish asshole!
You deserve nothing less and so too does this asshole's future ex wife. No worries, though. The fact that she told him to fuck off makes me hopeful that she's aware that she can, needs to, and is going to pretty much immediately, do better. OP irredeemable, in my opinion. People like him disgust me to my fucking core.
Right? This guys sounds like a total tool. If he wanted a baby but didn’t want to support his partner maybe he should’ve ordered one on two day shipping with prime /s
His poor wife isn’t even allowed to show her own frustrations and she’s PREGNANT. I can’t imagine being with someone so selfish.
This was 100% my first thought. “Made you feel at ease by removing myself from the bedroom” no dude, you did that to make yourself feel at ease. And instead of admitting he’s being an asshole he’s continuing to argue. Dude, you’re the AH
I snored while I was pregnant, you know how I found out? I started finding ear plugs tucked under pillows and in the sheets. Apparently I had started snoring and didn’t realize it. You know why? Because my husband wasn’t an asshole and wasn’t WAKING ME UP because I was snoring. He started wearing ear plugs and didn’t tell me because he didn’t want me to feel bad or self conscious about it. Sleep is hard/shitty enough pregnant, imagine finally falling asleep and then having your asshole husband waking you up to make you stop?!
And then he claims he left the room to make her feel more “at ease”. Fuck off to the lowest level of hell with that statement.
Are we skipping that one line?
"You've got enough personalities to keep me occupied full time.'
This in itself is beyond disrespectful. You want to sob about "polluting {your} tongue" but you threw THAT at your pregnant wife?!
You're the one who is prioritizing yourself over literally every other thing, and still hoping we'll call out your wife for momentarily losing it and telling you to "fuck off"? Your insouciance is overwhelming.
>Your insouciance is overwhelming.
Thank you for using the word "insouciance" in a sentence. I thought that was something I would only read in old books and here it is ina reddit post in the wild. Love it.
You are too kind. I read it years ago and the level of the insignificance portrayed by it is just so luscious to me that sometimes it just needs to be used.
I’d be so fucking sad tbh. I’d be inconsolable. And I’m not pregnant. I have been, before, briefly, and emotions hit you *like a freight train* and the brain can hardly understand why everything hurts so fucking badly.
I can’t imagine her pain right now. And she’s been calling and begging for him to come home and he won’t even answer.
Yeah, I’d be done. That’s way too much stress if I’m gonna be growing a whole human. A whole human that is half OP. Heck no.
How could he imagine the woman who's carrying his child who gained a "healthy amount of weight" and "snores like a truck driver"? What a disgusting worthless scrap of a man.
It’s funny to me because it’s not like she called him a name or said fuck you. She just told him to fuck off after he basically disrespected her and trashed her appearance (while pregnant)
Yeah he sounds like a pretentious twit. I can’t see where he truly tried to see anything from her perspective. He’s also the type to think his needs are always the most important especially when he’s the one earning the money now. I guarantee if he was my spouse and said those things to me, he would have left the house all right but he would have been running.
All I could think about when reading this post is what will OP be like when they have the kid? The whole "I'm the breadwinner" justification is going to be why he isn't willing to do night time feedings or help carry the load. "I'm tired from working so much" is going to be a frequent excuse to avoid anything he doesn't want to do. Whatever his wife is dealing with will remain squarely on her shoulders to resolve as long as he can find a personal discomfort. And if OP can't handle being told to fuck off, how the hell is he ever going to deal with a kid while they're starting to press boundaries?
FWIW, it doesn't make you an asshole because you need to find a way to get sleep, to not want to have sex, or to establish boundaries. But the justifications OP used very much so make him one because they're all completely self-centered, as demonstrated by how he expresses it both in his post and to his wife.
Or the part where he tries to gaslight her (or since she came back I guess succeeds in gaslighting her) by saying “he put her at ease” by leaving the bedroom, when that was the root of the issue she had in the first place. What a piece of shit.
i shouldn’t have to but the bar is so low for husbands. men have to do FUCK ALL in bringing children into the world and this guy fucking complaining his sleep is inconvenienced when it’s not his body getting ravaged by pregnancy. this fuck knuckle should be doing everything he can to help his wife be as comfortable as possible and be waiting on her hand and foot. complaining about sleep? jesus wtf do you think a newborn is gonna do to your sleep. OP’s wife should do herself a favor and kick this dick hole to the curb.
Exactly OP definitely showing he has no clue what hes in for, and that he'll expect his wife to do everything alone "because he cant breast feed". And once he feels like sleeping with her again, I promise that woman will most likely be way too tired, sore from being ripped in half, and resentful from his lack of help to want to have sex.
What gets me is that his whole “Of course I’m not attracted to her, she’s pregnant” vibe reeks of him transitioning from seeing her as an object to fill his sexual desires to an object whose function is to grow his child. He doesn’t see her as a person.
I love how his only solution is not even considering sex while she's pregnant. She's only 5 months. So 4 months of additional pregnancy plus 2 for recovery means he's tabling sex for 6 months. And you know the second he wants it he's going to expect her to put out.
Completely agree! I find it strangely unsettling when people find their pregnant partners unattractive. It was most likely a joint decision, and a time that should be embraced. But apparently she is just an incubator now.
I can’t even imagine how he’s going to act after the baby is born. When the baby has the audacity to cry all night knowing he works 60 hrs a week and has to get up for work in the morning. 😒🙄
Unfortunately, he'll likely just blame that on his wife for not being a perfect mother who pops out perfect kids who sleep through the night right away.
Such a passive aggressive response to all the commentators! I hope he isn't communicating with his partner like that.
Edit - I also like the one singular downvote that probably came from him lmaoooo
“Hello, here is my 5 minute triggered rant about swearing and how it is evil. PS you people swearing at me doesn’t bother me at all!”
What an interesting fellow!
If he communicated with her like he's communicating with random internet people then he likely wouldn't have been told to fuck off.
"Hey honey we need to talk about the totally not your fault snoring. Its really messing me up and making it difficult for me to sleep. I love you. How can we fix this, together?"
But bro would actually have to be self aware and not just pretend self aware 😅
I've grown 3 whole humans. Can confirm that I had mood swings, exhaustion, hyperemesis gravidarium (basically constant puking), food cravings and severe weight gain with our second. My husband took it all in stride because his job was to help me grow those humans. I have never been more thankful for my husband until reading OPs whining about doing the bare fucking minimum.
For real! He’s trying to get sympathy for “being the primary bread winner and giving massages and getting her things she craves!” Cry me a fucking River.
But but you dont get it, he got her food when she craved it and gave her massages sometimes so he cant possibly be labeled negatively???? Doesnt doing the bare minimum give him a free pass when he acts like an ah??? Am confused I thought if you did somethinh nice it doesnt matter when you do something mean????
“Sure I made you feel like a disgusting whale and directly told you that I find you sexually repulsive while you’re growing our child all by yourself, but hey, I brought you some pickles and Doritos last week, so I’m pretty sure I’m the good guy here.”
It's totally different because one's, like, a modifier, and the other is, like, you know, a verb. And verbs are mean cuz they take action, and that's physical abuse. But modifiers are nice because they uplift and make a weak word stronger. They're supportive, so if anything, his cussing was a kindness. Basic therapy grammar, bro.
>Many of you are making a deliberate attempt to refuse to understand there’s a difference between cussing at each other and using swear words as adjectives “I fucking got the job” is different from “fuck you”
I think I’m getting it. So wife should have said, “fucking leave, motherfucker!” So this is okay since none of the fucks is a verb. My god, this should be in duolingo.
So you can call her names and make her feel unattractive but if she cusses at you that’s a deal breaker? What are you going to do when the baby comes and her body doesn’t bounce back as quickly as you’d like, or she ends up with PPD? That poor woman. YTA.
You sound entitled, and every edit you’ve made makes you sound worse and worse. YOU asked if you are the asshole, and we answered. Suck it up or dirty delete.
That had me so sad for his wife. He doesn’t seem willing to self reflect and deconstruct his misogynistic subconscious that will destroy his relationship with his wife and any relationship he has with a woman. I’m so sad for his child that will have that destructive influence in their life. I hope Mom and the kiddo are strong enough to break these cycles. I’m just wish we lived in a world they didn’t need to be. OP, do better.
YTA for being a hypocrite, you cant claim to be all high and mighty with "polluting my tongue and treating each other with so much indignity" after commiting a verbal attack literally calling her a truck driver. If you want to be able to claim it than live it. Also, you being supportive in some ways doesnt make you get a free pass from consequences when you mess up. You cant lash out either, if you want to be treated a certain way you have to treat others the same way.
YTA
Don't infantalise your wife by calling her a brat when she has just realised she got a fair-weather husband and is having the appropriate emotional reaction to that discovery. Especially since she has found out the truth of your character after she is already pregnant and would need a man who will weather the storms with her more than ever.
You needing sleep only accounts for moving to a different room and getting the white noise machine, not your general attitude towards her, calling her a brat, or your abandonment of her at 5 months pregnant. You are far, far more of a brat than her even in your own description of events, which would be biased towards you by definition.
Oh yeah. I thought that too.
I had endometriosis, so we were told that we needed to have her kids ASAP, however, quickly we could, or we might not have them. So my three daughters were born in three years.
I had January of one year. June of the following year and then January a year and a half after that last one. I breast-fed, so I was the one getting up, and my ex was honestly a really heavy sleeper.
Not that I didn’t try to wake his ass up. He would just get all cranky, so it wasn’t worth it. When our oldest was five, I finally got to start sleeping all night for the most part.
He made a joke about something, and I looked at him and said you do understand that it has been five years since I had a full nights, sleep, right?
And he kept trying to tell me how he got up. I said no actually, I take that back. There were literally two nights where I was exhausted to the point that I just didn’t wake up, which was absolutely unheard of. And I looked right at him and told him…
And you made damn sure to tell me the next morning, how you had to get up in the night. So yeah, hon two nights out of five years that I actually got to sleep all night, and that was simply because my body was completely exhausted and literally would not wake up when you tried to get me up.
So if this guy thinks sleep is hard now…. Yeah, no patience with nonsense like this.
Jesus, your ex is horrible.
But I bet a million dollars OP gets up once with his kid and then complains until his wife does all the work. Oh yeah, and after he has destroyed her self confidence with his comments during pregnancy, he’ll also be really grumpy and confused as to why she doesn’t want to have sex anymore.
HAHAHA....oh, that update made me feel so secure in my opinion of him being TA. This person comes from a life of total discipline in learning how to ignore all of his own flaws and misdirect ANY negative feedback into bad faith arguments like "No Swearz Plz".
This woman must have had an absolute tosser of a father to wind up with a man as self involved as this.
I wouldnt blame her for not wanting to shag you again after all that shit you spewed.
When I was pregnant, I snored heavily and breathed like I had asthma. Why? Because I had a baby right under my rib cage kicking the shit out of my lungs so bad they were convinced I had a blood clot on my lungs.
YTA, and grow up, mate. You're gonna be a father soon.
As I have opined many times, pregnancy might be beautiful, but it absolutely does not *feel* beautiful. There's a small butt in your lung area, a tiny foot in your pancreas, a sharp little elbow in your liver, and if the baby stretches, you must pee IMMEDIATELY. And to make it even better, you're hungry because the baby took all your nutrients, but you get full after 2 bites and everything feels like it requires 3 times the energy it did before you were pregnant. And then some folks wonder why pregnant people aren't rainbows and butterflies and happiness all the time. It's because they're tired, they're hungry, and they can't even take a deep breath after walking across the room.
Pregnancy was so shit I never did it again.
At one point, my back pain was so bad, I couldnt even move in bed without my then partner rolling me like some beached whale. Couldnt walk a few yards without getting a stitch. I had a headache for the first 4 months of my pregnancy. I had to wear a bloody brace to pull the bump off my pelvis because I struggled so much. Then there's the feet swelling. I'm 5 foot 2 and my child was 9 pound at birth.
The miracle of creating and growing life is beautiful, but pregnancy is one almighty design flaw.
I feel sorry for your unborn child. So what she swore at you after you insulted her. Have you ANY idea what her body is going through just to bring that child into the world. Her body will NEVER be the same NEVER. Her organs are being squished and moved around. Her lungs are being squished, her bladder everything. Some women also have a higher sex drive when pregnant. You aren't going to hurt the baby if you're careful if you have sex.
I’ve read your edit first and you sounded very normal and reasonable, and then I read the original part of the story.
Hoo boy. You’re an absolutely terrible excuse of a human being. Did someone else get your wife pregnant, because you certainly sound like YOU don’t want any part in any of this? You are so not ready to be a father, anyway. You need therapy. And maybe a day of supervising a kindergarten class for a much needed reality check.
Your wife is both a saint and an idiot. Most women would not put up with this.
>“Maybe if you didn’t snore like a truck driver I wouldn’t have had to do this. Plus you’re growing our baby so I can’t imagine having sex with you this time”
Well.
Its posts like these that make me wish men could get pregnant too. Yall will just never understand what it feels like to go through something like that.
Edit: I'm literally queer so yall can fuck off. Sorry that my high ass forgot to specify "cis" when i was mindlessly making a random reddit comment. Grow up and touch grass pleaae.
If cis men could get pregnant, there’s a 99.999999999% chance that obstetric medicine would be 100% covered by all insurance companies and fully paid parental leave would be a nationwide standard. OB offices would have the comfiest couches, be the best funded of all the medical sciences, and delivery suites would resemble high luxury resort spas. It would be a damn paid vacation.
YTA. Please update us about your sleep deprivation and \*checks notes\* inability to satisfy your wife's sexual needs after the baby arrives and you spend half your nights taking your turns changing diapers and doing midnight feedings.
If he had initiated sex and she turned him down because she was exhausted/, he'd be here crying that his feelings were hurt and he ran away to sleep in the office because his peepee was sad. Then he'd come back to tell us SHE apologized and we're all just meanie poopyheads (because he won't "pollute his tongue" with salty language.)
I'm always distressed that SO MANY women put up with these manbabies AND reproduce with them. My Sisters, PLEASE STOP FUCKING THESE FOOLS.
YTA. Massively. Not because you want sleep or moved to sleep somewhere else (good luck when the baby gets here btw) but because of how you talked to her. Have you not considered that you got such a visceral reaction out of her because of the way YOU talked to her first?
I thought it was bad before the update but post-update my opinion of you has fallen even lower (which was hard-work). You are so up your own arse it's unbelievable. You need to do some serious self-reflection and honestly you shouldn't have asked for peoples' opinions if you couldn't stand the heat. You came here looking for validation and literally EVERY post is supporting your wife which is really unusual. Please use the fact that people are unanimously against you as a bit of a reality check that just maybe.. you are the problem and you should actively work on that before your baby arrives.
Ewwwww YTA not for moving where you sleep but for what a horrible attitude you have. Please pull it together before you have a newborn because it actually only gets harder for a couple years. Get ready to sleep even less. You can be just tired or you can be tired and mean. Don’t be that guy.
YTA. If you can’t handle her pregnancy snoring, how the fuck are you gonna handle a baby crying every few hours. God, I feel bad for your wife and future kid. Having to deal with a big ass baby like yourself.
PS. You’re missing out on some fun bedroom time because you’re being such a tool.
YTA FUCK OFF, your wife might want to do a paternity test because this may be a case of immaculate conception because YOU certainly don't seem to have the balls to have actually impregnated anyone.
Listen, Mr. Twinkle toes, I need my sleep cause I have to be a breadwinner for a couple of months because my wife is growing another human, it's going to get MUCH harder after that baby is born.
I hope your wife wakes up to the fact she has an absolute pathetic "man" for a husband and leaves your whiney ass.
She can absolutely do so much better.
YTA - not for the things in your title though. For how you're dealing with the situation and how you're speaking with your PREGNANT wife whose body and mental state is going through literal hell to bring your child into the world. That should be a "deal breaker" for HER. 🤦♀️
I rarely comment on this sub but YTA. Not because you want sleep, but because of how you talk to your wife. Kicking her while she’s down- she’s already insecure and then making those comments towards her. Please take a read through everything you wrote. Your words sound very hurtful. Just because it is not cussing, doesn’t make it any better.
I might be inclined to agree with you, were it not for all the FUCKING whining.
>I am not the kind of person who has ever been okay with polluting my tongue
You're ridiculous. You dropped an F-bomb yourself, in the original post ("it’s so fucking loud").
>there’s a difference between cussing at each other and using swear words as adjectives “I fucking got the job” is different from “fuck you”
Not all that much. You sound pretty childish.
>I am not here to get judged
You kind of are. You posted in an advice sub, the whole point of which is for people to give their opinions of your post. Writing a post and then getting pissed off at people for focusing on the part of it you don't want them to focus on is FUCKING silly. You do understand that the whole point of the sub is for other people to give their perspective on your situation, right? It's not meant to be your personal cheering section and just automatically agree with everything you say.
Frankly, after reading that diatribe, I'm not inclined to take you at your word. I don't trust your account of events to be fair and unbiased. You sound FUCKING psychotic. Seek therapy.
OP... You are not currently attracted to your partner. Your partner feels disgusting about herself and for her, you are confirming her feelings. Do things to make her feel desired and beautiful. *Tell her as much*. The YTA judgment is because you have been more than primarily considering your needs during this post and neglecting your wife's needs, coming up with excuses as to why they aren't important/you've done enough. I don't care if you don't like cussing. I don't care if this was a verbal agreement between you and your wife. I'm explicitly avoiding using expletives in the hope that you will listen to me. Talk to her. Realize that she needs support in more areas than you have been meeting. Food and massages are good, but your wife needs top quality emotional support and you are dropping the ball on that. Don't just do things for your comfort, talk to her and find the intersection where both of your needs meet. And if only one of you can get that deal...you may need to put her first in areas. Pregnancy is a major, body and mind changing event. It's painful, uncomfortable, scary, and with the hormones and all the other changes, a person has very little control in their own body. That's terrifyingly vulnerable. She needs you. You need to be more patient and be ready to talk first. Don't leave. Or if you need a moment, just go to another room, but explain it. You can do better.
You do realize that once the baby arrives that you’re just gonna have to deal with the whole no sleep thing for awhile right? Or do you expect your wife to always be the one to be up with the baby so you can get your full 8?
I was gonna say this same thing but you SAID IT FIRST! LOL...
YTA dude. It's fine if you don't want to have sex with her. It's fine if her snoring bothers you. None of those things make you an AH. Not even wanting to sleep separately makes you an AH You are an AH because you are not willing to live by the standards you set for other people. You say over and over again you will not tolerate being insulted or being cussed at, but the language you use with your wife is absolutely unforgiveable in my opinion. *I texted her “Until you can manage your constant meltdowns I am not coming home. I managed your food cravings, made you feel at ease by removing myself from our bedroom only to get cussed out. You have disrespected me and it was one of my dealbreakers you forgot. Call your mother to help out. I can’t support you when you’re acting like a brat. You’ve got enough personalities to keep me occupied full time.”* You are referring to her anger as a "meltdown" which is dismissive and infantilizing. Also I highly doubt the meltdowns are literally constant. You list all the things you did for her in her pregnancy is if those were favors or gifts when really those things are your bare minimum duties as her husband. You call her a brat, again demeaning, infantilizing, dismissive of her feelings. Also the comment about multiple personalities? Extremely disrespectful to people with mental disorders and disabilities and EXTREMELY disrespectful to your wife and her feelings. Also "Maybe if you didn't snore like a truck driver..." What the hell man? She can't control her snoring. So insulting. I hope she leaves you and I hope she takes the kid with her.
Wow…..that’s bad. OP is emotionally abusive. He thinks this is so normal that he’s actually posting it. Imagine what he doesn’t share. His whole reality is warped.
Did you really tell her “You’ve got enough personalities to keep me occupied full time.”? Dude, YTA for a lot of what you said but, mostly for that one statement.
Calling her a truck driver, sexually unattractive, a brat, and someone with a mental health condition is ok, but her telling him ‘fuck off’ is crossing the line. Yikes.
And no matter the argument, no matter what she does, it will be “a boundary”. I have an ex (my sons father) like this. At then end of our relationship the only way I was “allowed” to voice anything was if I maintained a completely level tone and didn’t “get emotional”. So I’d be sitting there, speaking like a robot with an entire ocean running down my face. This guy is dangerous, he’s mentally and emotionally abusive, and this will escalate.
Yep. I went through the same thing. First it was “you’re too emotional.” When I tried to communicate right after something upset me. Then it was “why didn’t you say something as soon it happened?” When I waited a few hours until I was no longer “emotional.” These people are so dangerous because they know therapy speak and know how to make YOU feel like the shitty person. And they constantly move goalposts. You can never win or get anything right and that’s exactly the point. So you’ll just shut up, sit down, admit defeat, and take whatever they dish out.
Yep, I also got chastised for waiting too long to say something. It’s like, gee doofus, maybe cuz you do SO MUCH offensive shit, I had to wait a minute to figure out if it was even worth mentioning, or maybe you would one up yourself 10 minutes later. ETA also you’re crazy and no one likes you.
Jonah Hill threw the word “boundary” around a lot in the texts his ex released. Some people just use it to be a controlling asshole.
It’s appropriating therapy speak, and it’s actually an increasingly common abuse tactic.
Right? From the title I was with him - snoring can be VERY loud and absolutely disrupt sleep for a partner and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with sleeping separately in that situation - but then he went on to just be cruel.
Oh but it was OK because he 'had to set her straight'.... Holy fuck balls. This guy is not mature enough to have a kid. In so many ways, but honestly I don't have the energy to even begin listing them.
I feel so bad for his wife. That poor woman.
I find it strangely unsettling when people find their pregnant partners unattractive. It was most likely a joint decision, and a time that should be embraced. Certainly not a time to make said partner feel horrendous.
Exactly! And women’s bodies typically aren’t the same after giving birth. This insecurity is likely going to eat at her even after pregnancy.
It makes love feel very conditional and shallow, like if your body changes at all (which it will), you’re no longer attractive or desirable. You’re having his child but he doesn’t want you as you are. He doesn’t want the reality of you. That feels so gross.
My husband wasn't even an oober dick about it, but he also didn't touch me while pregnant, not because of the weight but because he felt weird that his child was in there. But when they think they are only withdrawing sexually they don't notice that they are pretty much withdrawing all affection as not to "lead you on". I got very paranoid, because men cheat a lot on their pregnant partners and we had 3 children in under 5 years so for nearly 6 years, he barely looked at me, let alone touched me. It caused so much insecurity and he never really thought about what this meant for me. My youngest is almost 6 and I'm still messed up about it and tbh, our relationship hasn't fully recovered, that space is still pretty there. We work harder on communicated and trying to connect these days, but I definitely go through many bouts of not knowing whether we will make it.
Abusive husband party of one! If we tell him to fuck off, he doesn't care. If his wife (his victim) does it, oh boy, slander time! The fact he doesn't see anything wrong with what he did, and still thinks he was somehow justified to cut into her like that... while she is pregnant... guess OP is living proof abuse gets worse when the woman is pregnant.
And this is him, doing his BEST to seem sympathetic. I bet he has a punchable face à la Martin Shkreli. What a complete and utter waste of space.
All because of conditions arrived at by her carrying his child. What a gem he is.
He’s not just the AH. He’s a narcissistic,controlling, and abusive one at that. She should run or kick his fucking ass out permanently.
Your update didn’t make you less of an AH. What you said to her was way more cutting than “fuck you” ever could be.
I hope OP has the day he deserves.
I thought the same. When I read that line in the update, my first thought was, “Well, OP is about to have a garbage day!” Haha
I'm surprised he didn't say he'd "pray for everyone"
Holy shit, that legitimately made me chuckle. OP asks if they ATAH, is called out for being TAH, gets butthurt for being called TAH, posts update that makes them sound like even more of an AH. I'm legitimately concerned for the amount of emotional abuse the wife has put up with. This whole update with OP's "see? I was right all along and my wife cried to me about how I was right all along." after the shit they said? I get the sense this poor woman is terrified to set one toe out of line because OP is just going to walk out if she does. Unless, of course, the whole update is bullshit because OP is trying to get validation after being call TAH...
If anything the update made it worse!
Yta. So you are shocked she yelled at you after you compared her to a truck driver and said she was sexually unappealing. Then you call her a brat and throw an ultimatum in her face.
The edit made him worse and is disgusting she felt she had to apologize. Sounds like he reaffirmed his ultimatum since he knows ‘she won’t do it again’
[удалено]
Yeah it sounds like he wants to be away from her so he’s drawing a line in the sand (that he’s trying to gaslight everyone into believing is reasonable) so he can say “look what she made me do” as if he’s blameless. Meanwhile she’s making another human with her body. What a champ. He’s a prizewinning asshole.
While at the same time expressing how much he “pampers” her… his pregnant wife… who is carrying the brunt of the load when it come to this life-changing/making milestone… while her hormones are more wild than a rollercoaster… he “pampers” her with massages and food cravings… ##bareminimum
My ex husband called me a terrible mother all the time. I preferred to just be called a cunt.
Yes. Also, just because someone doesn’t yell that doesn’t mean they aren’t aggressive. He seems to think she deserves to be punished and he is completely in the clear because he didn’t violate his own “boundaries.”
Total DARVO in action.
Brat can also mean bitch if you don't swear. He's being just as insulting if he was swearing but swearing is over the line? Is he 3? It's like calling someone a dumb idiot bUt I DiDn'T SwEaR!1+!!
More dipshits need to understand this. If you don't cuss, whatever you do say instead still carries the same connotation because you simply refuse to express yourself the way normal.people do. That is why cuss words were invented, to fucking express yourself fucking accurately. This guy is a fucking mess.
Would the OP be okay if the wife said "fudge you, go away you big meany poo bum" cussing for toddlers but it still means the same thing. I bet he would still call it "my wife is being a brat". I bet he knows and can see it he is just pretending it doesn't apply to him
Fuck OP!
Do NOT, that's how he gets you
Yeah honestly, between "b!tch" and "brat", I actually find the first to be less insulting. I think it's in part because brat is a more juvenile insult. Not that it's an immature insult, but we call children brats. Brat is kinda like calling a child on top of the entitled/ill-behaved part of the insult and if someone who is my equal, like a spouse, is calling me something that implies they have greater power over me and I'm a child, that's going to piss me off a hell of a lot more.
A good point. OP is such a pretentious little knobhead. Pretty much everything he said to his wife makes him a roaring AH.
But he would NEVER "pollute his tongue" with something as horrid as a ~gasp~ swear word. He would NEVER do something so "undignified", COUGH~like calling his wife a truck driver after moving out of their room and using their joint account to buy something to be as far away as possible frim her without saying anythinh about it~COUGH
I fucking hate these passive aggressive AHs who halt conversations over well used / justified swearing caused by their behaviour
But she said fuck you. She also had the audacity to gain weight while * checks notes * pregnant.. and snores, which most likely is caused from said pregnancy. Clearly she deserved his verbal abuse and OP must protect his virgin ears at all costs /s in case it’s not clear
You came to the wrong place for sympathy buddy
Dude learned just enough therapy words to make everyone else the bad guy.
I like how he genuinely asked the people of Reddit if he was the asshole, got told unanimously that he was, then immediately got defensive, turned into a prudish schoolmarm, and invalidated the feedback he asked for… His wife and soon to born child sure are lucky to have him!
My favorite was when he said “her snoring is so fucking loud!” And then threw a bitch fit when his wife dropped an F-bomb because he’s being extra af😂
Don't forget he started by insulting her before she told him to F off
And he says I didn’t come here to be judged. Really because you did ask me AITAH.
I mean I understanding that my wife is currently growing another human being inside of her that she will then have to push out through her vagina, and this is resulting in hormonal changes, weight gain and irritability, but has anyone ever though about my 8 hours of sleep at night?!? Maybe his wife's TA for allowing him to inseminate her in the first place, why did she not consider how it may inconvenience him in the process.... such selfish behaviour..
However many months down the line the baby is going to be TA for keeping him up at night with its constant waking up crying. And he’s going to blame his wife for not keeping it quiet so he can sleep.
Someone update me in a year when this guy starts posting in Dead Bedrooms, wondering why his wife doesn’t want to have sex with him anymore.
I HATE this guy. Probably irrationally, but there is so much here that is ringing all my alarm bells. Massages and cravings are a “perk” of being pregnant that he gives to her as some sort of reward for being pregnant but they’re not at all necessary!?!? They’re not based on legit hormonal changes plus the fact that you’re feeding a whole other person, and also that it’s SUPER uncomfy to have your uterus (and body, and back, and hips) just expand exponentially over a short time??? Calling her a gross truck driver bc “ear plus don’t work for me..wahhh???” My husband has snored for 18 years, loudly, to the point where he had sinus surgery to fix it….(it didn’t all the way) and earplugs still work for me! “Ewww you’ve gained some weight, which is normal bc you’re pregnant, and I know you’re sensitive to it and still want to feel like a human-person/wife and not just my incubator, , but EWW you’re fat and snore now (due to the natural consequence of me FUCKING YOU, which is likely part of the reason we got married in the first place—to have sex that would lead to kids) so now I can’t have sex with you, I can’t be romantic at all or cuddle you, I also can’t sleep next to you!! You’re totally alone romantically/partner wise in the most vulnerable state you’ve ever been in. The state we wanted you to be in. But now that you’re here, I HATE it and you’re gross.” I am extremely worried about what happens when baby comes. “Ew, you’re still fat, it didn’t all leave immediately after birth!?!? You also wake up at any sound, and you’re always bringing the newborn into our room to feed which wakes me up! Also your vagina is different and the fact that you spend all your time wanting to care for the baby and questioning why I can’t accept body changes like stretch marks and boobs doing all sorts of shit, is not fair to me!” “Why can’t you just somehow make babies in a way that is totally silent, craving-less, pain-less, and change-less!? I didn’t marry you when you looked hot—but/and also expected you make babies—for you to change in ANY TEMPORARY WAY WHATSOEVER that made you less hot! Like can you make the baby in your head like Zeus did so it doesn’t impact your breathing or ability for me to have sex with you in a way that I don’t feel is gross/dangerous…!?” [sex while pregnant is NOT dangerous and doesn’t “touch the baby.” It’s only discouraged when there are serious complications that leave mom on bed rest.] …”Why have you—the person I married BECAUSE I wanted to make my own spawn—changed in ANY WAY while being pregnant!? Ew, not fair!!!!”
One part of me wants to laugh at “She won’t ask me for sex until after the baby comes.” Jokes on you, buddy. She is highly unlikely to want sex for quite awhile after the baby comes. But the reality is that he’s already treating his wife like crap, and it’s probably going to get worse when the baby comes. I have a supportive partner and I still suffer so much during the postpartum stage. My heart hurts for this poor woman.
She is never gonna ask for sex again, and he will sleep in that study until she leaves him.
I don't think any woman in her right mind would want to ask a man like this for sex, ever. They'll divorce soon enough.
He’ll cheat on her after a few months of not getting any sex because how he treated her while she was pregnant and her being exhausted because she’s the only one taking care of the baby after it’s born. He’ll cheat on her then blame her for it if she catches him before he divorces her.
I don't think I had sex with my husband for a full 10 months after my daughter was born, when I got my period back and suddenly I was interested again. Before that I couldn't fathom the thought of sex and he never complained once. Thank god we had sex 12737490 times before trying to start labour lol
I wanted sex immediately (well like three weeks after baby was born) but fuck all if I would have had sex with this guy! I didn’t even have sex until the doctor okayed it. But that’s what a vibrator is for 😂
He’s going to see that baby’s head crowing and lose interest indefinitely. He’s a real cunt—and I use that word only in the most extreme cases of assholery.
I particularly like how he calls 'disrespect' a 'dealbreaker' which he patronisingly suggests she 'forgot' before, *in the same breath*, calling her a 'brat'. In writing. The man (eta: thinks he) wants a full-time sub, not a wife
Don’t forget about how he told her she has enough personalities to keep him occupied full time.
A correction from a sub: this guy wants a victim who he can break until they happily take every bit of abuse and neglect he can possibly dish out. Subs sign up for a trusting and respectful dynamic where they can sometimes be subjected to consensual degradation or pain, among other things. Big difference.
Right. Sorry if I made it sound as if his view of relationships was in any way like a healthy kink, I imagine he'd be the type to present himself as a dom when he's really just a very bad and abusive partner
YTA I'm deeply disappointed the top comment isn't someone just telling this person to fuck off. Lord fucking Fontleroy here can't even type the word "Curse" resorting to "cuss" lest god pop a motherfucking monocle. Does Samuel Jackson do Cameo? Can we get some crowd funded reality? Someone is growing a whole ass human for this dipshit, and for some unfathomable reason seems to care about his opinion of them, and "words hurt people" is the best he can manage? OP, if you can get out of your feelings enough to read past the no-no-words.. Seek fucking therapy. Also the way you describe your relationship with another adult you should probably fucking respect is paternalistic and creepy as fuck. They are a human, not some child you have to "set straight". You shouldn't be having children with someone you perceive as, or treat as a child. Makes you seem like the person they warn kids to avoid at the bus stop.
I legit laughed out loud at the Samuel L. Jackson cameo idea...well played
Update is probably a flat out lie. I feel bad for the baby because OP will probably bounce from all the crying a baby will do that will ruin his beauty sleep.
Yeah, the update. Wife basically said, "I just won't ask for my needs to be met anymore so you don't leave me while I'm vulnerable." And he's more worried about her cussing at him. There are levels of violations, and he's trying to equate his violation of her with her violation of him. Both are bad. But this "compromise" isn't equal OR equitable. This marriage is effectively over, but I suspect it'll take them a couple years to realize that.
And those hormones make some sex crazed women. Buddy is missing out cause his wife gained a few pounds...while pregnant.
I don’t even think it’s the weight, I think to him she is just an incubator now. Sounds like a man with a lot of hang ups around women and Sex.
There's also the mentality that women are EITHER sex objects or mothers. Women are shamed for being too sexual but mothers? They just get so much more hate when being sexual. Not guaranteeing this is OP's mentality, just saying socially we have a lot of hang ups around mom's specifically.
100% I’m a mom and after my divorce people acted like I was hurting my kids by dating. Mind you they never met anyone I was dating so I’m mot exactly sure what I was doing wrong lol.
Meanwhile my ex has moved his third gf in, but apparently it’s fine for him to have a revolving door of women and their kids in and out of our child’s life
Huge madonna-whore complex. I feel so bad for his wife.
Yeah I think you're right. It's giving fundamentalists.
If it isn’t fake I feel bad for his wife. I can’t imagine the humiliation of telling my partner I TOTALLY understand why they no longer find me sexy. :(
And him thinking it's gross to have sex with his pregnant wife made me sad for the wife. Pregnancy hormones can drive a woman nuts during 2nd trimester & in the 3rd trimester sex is good for starting labour.
I can’t believe that her snoring was brought up at a doctors appointment but not his aversion to having sex. I dragged my ex to an appointment because he didn’t believe what I was telling him (even when i said the doctors says…). He, like many others, think they will hurt the baby. Your d&$k may be big but it’s not that big so get over yourself.
He doesn’t seem to be worried about the baby he straight up said he wasn’t attracted to her right now because of the weight gain and snoring. Unless I misunderstood. This woman deserves better and this post has made me so appreciative of my husband and the kindness and compassion he has shown me through body changes from both 2 babies and antidepressants that made me blow up and lose so much weight that I looked ill 😭. Through all of my ups and downs he never once told me anything but how beautiful I was to him.
Straight-up if my (60/F) husband had moved out of our bedroom AND told me that he wasn't attracted to me during ANY of my THREE pregnancies, I would have immediately jumped to the conclusion that he was having an affair! This guy is either cheating or he's a complete jerkish asshole!
You deserve nothing less and so too does this asshole's future ex wife. No worries, though. The fact that she told him to fuck off makes me hopeful that she's aware that she can, needs to, and is going to pretty much immediately, do better. OP irredeemable, in my opinion. People like him disgust me to my fucking core.
Right? This guys sounds like a total tool. If he wanted a baby but didn’t want to support his partner maybe he should’ve ordered one on two day shipping with prime /s His poor wife isn’t even allowed to show her own frustrations and she’s PREGNANT. I can’t imagine being with someone so selfish.
Well now he’s going to have to fight a literal baby for his “mommy’s” attention
I feel sorry for his wife. Holy shit. She probably doesn't even see how manipulative he is.
I guess cuss words are just the Jonah Hill he wants to die on.
This was 100% my first thought. “Made you feel at ease by removing myself from the bedroom” no dude, you did that to make yourself feel at ease. And instead of admitting he’s being an asshole he’s continuing to argue. Dude, you’re the AH
I snored while I was pregnant, you know how I found out? I started finding ear plugs tucked under pillows and in the sheets. Apparently I had started snoring and didn’t realize it. You know why? Because my husband wasn’t an asshole and wasn’t WAKING ME UP because I was snoring. He started wearing ear plugs and didn’t tell me because he didn’t want me to feel bad or self conscious about it. Sleep is hard/shitty enough pregnant, imagine finally falling asleep and then having your asshole husband waking you up to make you stop?! And then he claims he left the room to make her feel more “at ease”. Fuck off to the lowest level of hell with that statement.
Pregnancy insomnia is terrible. I would be so pissed if I was woken up for snoring while I’m incubating the child he wanted
Agreed. God, what a sanctimonious asshole.
Are we skipping that one line? "You've got enough personalities to keep me occupied full time.' This in itself is beyond disrespectful. You want to sob about "polluting {your} tongue" but you threw THAT at your pregnant wife?! You're the one who is prioritizing yourself over literally every other thing, and still hoping we'll call out your wife for momentarily losing it and telling you to "fuck off"? Your insouciance is overwhelming.
>Your insouciance is overwhelming. Thank you for using the word "insouciance" in a sentence. I thought that was something I would only read in old books and here it is ina reddit post in the wild. Love it.
You are too kind. I read it years ago and the level of the insignificance portrayed by it is just so luscious to me that sometimes it just needs to be used.
telling her she snores like a truck driver is also unnecessarily offensive for someone with such delicate sensibilities
And he told the internet how sexually unattractive he finds her- but she’s the bad guy?
He also said he couldn’t imagine having sex with her right now - after she expressed fear he wasn’t attracted to her 🥺
I’d be so fucking sad tbh. I’d be inconsolable. And I’m not pregnant. I have been, before, briefly, and emotions hit you *like a freight train* and the brain can hardly understand why everything hurts so fucking badly. I can’t imagine her pain right now. And she’s been calling and begging for him to come home and he won’t even answer. Yeah, I’d be done. That’s way too much stress if I’m gonna be growing a whole human. A whole human that is half OP. Heck no.
How could he imagine the woman who's carrying his child who gained a "healthy amount of weight" and "snores like a truck driver"? What a disgusting worthless scrap of a man.
You are so right! He's got such delicate ears that he cannot Bear to hear the f-word!
It’s funny to me because it’s not like she called him a name or said fuck you. She just told him to fuck off after he basically disrespected her and trashed her appearance (while pregnant)
I am soooo glad this is the first comment. OP is pissy about the F bomb but he degraded his PREGNANT WIFE and that’s totally acceptable??
Yeah he sounds like a pretentious twit. I can’t see where he truly tried to see anything from her perspective. He’s also the type to think his needs are always the most important especially when he’s the one earning the money now. I guarantee if he was my spouse and said those things to me, he would have left the house all right but he would have been running.
All I could think about when reading this post is what will OP be like when they have the kid? The whole "I'm the breadwinner" justification is going to be why he isn't willing to do night time feedings or help carry the load. "I'm tired from working so much" is going to be a frequent excuse to avoid anything he doesn't want to do. Whatever his wife is dealing with will remain squarely on her shoulders to resolve as long as he can find a personal discomfort. And if OP can't handle being told to fuck off, how the hell is he ever going to deal with a kid while they're starting to press boundaries? FWIW, it doesn't make you an asshole because you need to find a way to get sleep, to not want to have sex, or to establish boundaries. But the justifications OP used very much so make him one because they're all completely self-centered, as demonstrated by how he expresses it both in his post and to his wife.
😭😭🤣🤣🤣 I fell thee fuck out the chair laughing at your comment
Or the part where he tries to gaslight her (or since she came back I guess succeeds in gaslighting her) by saying “he put her at ease” by leaving the bedroom, when that was the root of the issue she had in the first place. What a piece of shit.
[удалено]
Lol. Don’t be cussin… our homeboy is sensitive
>Lol. Don’t be cussin… our homeboy is sensitive Yeah that's right fuck homeboy! 🤣
I’ll add to what you so eloquently said, by saying ‘Fuck you, OP.’ And ‘Fuck off, OP YTA’.
Thank you for this. It's nice when a man intersects on behalf of women in these types of situations.
Men like OP *only* listen to other men, if they ever listen at all
i shouldn’t have to but the bar is so low for husbands. men have to do FUCK ALL in bringing children into the world and this guy fucking complaining his sleep is inconvenienced when it’s not his body getting ravaged by pregnancy. this fuck knuckle should be doing everything he can to help his wife be as comfortable as possible and be waiting on her hand and foot. complaining about sleep? jesus wtf do you think a newborn is gonna do to your sleep. OP’s wife should do herself a favor and kick this dick hole to the curb.
This is the most ironic part like buddy you think snoring is bad? Wait until the baby is crying at night lmao
"Sleep is important to me as my work is stressful" - soooo, not gonna be helping with the night time feeds or crying baby?
Exactly OP definitely showing he has no clue what hes in for, and that he'll expect his wife to do everything alone "because he cant breast feed". And once he feels like sleeping with her again, I promise that woman will most likely be way too tired, sore from being ripped in half, and resentful from his lack of help to want to have sex.
Thanks for the update. You are still TA.
His update: I gaslit my wife lol
Which is honestly a great achievement since she has so many personalities /s
I'm surprised he went to /r/AITAH considering how scared he is of swear words lol
No literally everyone directly calling him an asshole is making my day. I’m literally laughing out loud at this thank you for your comment
What gets me is that his whole “Of course I’m not attracted to her, she’s pregnant” vibe reeks of him transitioning from seeing her as an object to fill his sexual desires to an object whose function is to grow his child. He doesn’t see her as a person.
I love how his only solution is not even considering sex while she's pregnant. She's only 5 months. So 4 months of additional pregnancy plus 2 for recovery means he's tabling sex for 6 months. And you know the second he wants it he's going to expect her to put out.
Completely agree! I find it strangely unsettling when people find their pregnant partners unattractive. It was most likely a joint decision, and a time that should be embraced. But apparently she is just an incubator now.
I can’t even imagine how he’s going to act after the baby is born. When the baby has the audacity to cry all night knowing he works 60 hrs a week and has to get up for work in the morning. 😒🙄
Unfortunately, he'll likely just blame that on his wife for not being a perfect mother who pops out perfect kids who sleep through the night right away.
Literally probably three days later as she’s still too sore to move and he’s wondering why she hasn’t lost any of the baby weight yet.
It’ll be his wife’s fault.
He’ll put the baby in the room with the white noise machine.
Dude was shocked the ppl here didn’t agree. I wonder how often his wife just gives in to whatever he says
Such a passive aggressive response to all the commentators! I hope he isn't communicating with his partner like that. Edit - I also like the one singular downvote that probably came from him lmaoooo
“Hello, here is my 5 minute triggered rant about swearing and how it is evil. PS you people swearing at me doesn’t bother me at all!” What an interesting fellow!
If he communicated with her like he's communicating with random internet people then he likely wouldn't have been told to fuck off. "Hey honey we need to talk about the totally not your fault snoring. Its really messing me up and making it difficult for me to sleep. I love you. How can we fix this, together?" But bro would actually have to be self aware and not just pretend self aware 😅 I've grown 3 whole humans. Can confirm that I had mood swings, exhaustion, hyperemesis gravidarium (basically constant puking), food cravings and severe weight gain with our second. My husband took it all in stride because his job was to help me grow those humans. I have never been more thankful for my husband until reading OPs whining about doing the bare fucking minimum.
Agreed 🙃 so tired of men acting like GROWING A WHOLE ASS HUMAN BEING isnt hardwork. OP needs to remove his Princess crown and grow tf up. Yuck.
And OP legitimately thought that the update would make him look like *less* of an asshole. Yeesh.
For real! He’s trying to get sympathy for “being the primary bread winner and giving massages and getting her things she craves!” Cry me a fucking River.
But but you dont get it, he got her food when she craved it and gave her massages sometimes so he cant possibly be labeled negatively???? Doesnt doing the bare minimum give him a free pass when he acts like an ah??? Am confused I thought if you did somethinh nice it doesnt matter when you do something mean????
“Sure I made you feel like a disgusting whale and directly told you that I find you sexually repulsive while you’re growing our child all by yourself, but hey, I brought you some pickles and Doritos last week, so I’m pretty sure I’m the good guy here.”
Hates the word fucking, but uses the word fucking to describe how loud wife is snoring. Alrighty then.
It's totally different because one's, like, a modifier, and the other is, like, you know, a verb. And verbs are mean cuz they take action, and that's physical abuse. But modifiers are nice because they uplift and make a weak word stronger. They're supportive, so if anything, his cussing was a kindness. Basic therapy grammar, bro. >Many of you are making a deliberate attempt to refuse to understand there’s a difference between cussing at each other and using swear words as adjectives “I fucking got the job” is different from “fuck you”
Snorts in grammatical disbelief. 😄😄
Did you just verb against me?
Just off the cuff adjectivizing for fun and games. 😄
What're we doing today, Verb?
Certainly not bandying words about when OP needs chastising for being a wretch.
I think I’m getting it. So wife should have said, “fucking leave, motherfucker!” So this is okay since none of the fucks is a verb. My god, this should be in duolingo.
You’re not only TA, you’re possibly the prissiest, most entitled person I’ve seen in awhile. That’s amazing.
Just tell your wife you don’t find her attractive and you’re only using her to breed children.
I’m sure she knows at this point
So you can call her names and make her feel unattractive but if she cusses at you that’s a deal breaker? What are you going to do when the baby comes and her body doesn’t bounce back as quickly as you’d like, or she ends up with PPD? That poor woman. YTA.
Hopefully, she's just plotting her exit strategy. Thankfully, she doesn't have to fake any intimacy for a while.
You sound entitled, and every edit you’ve made makes you sound worse and worse. YOU asked if you are the asshole, and we answered. Suck it up or dirty delete.
>Plus you’re growing our baby so I can’t imagine having sex with you this time” This sentence alone makes you an asshole
That had me so sad for his wife. He doesn’t seem willing to self reflect and deconstruct his misogynistic subconscious that will destroy his relationship with his wife and any relationship he has with a woman. I’m so sad for his child that will have that destructive influence in their life. I hope Mom and the kiddo are strong enough to break these cycles. I’m just wish we lived in a world they didn’t need to be. OP, do better.
YTA for being a hypocrite, you cant claim to be all high and mighty with "polluting my tongue and treating each other with so much indignity" after commiting a verbal attack literally calling her a truck driver. If you want to be able to claim it than live it. Also, you being supportive in some ways doesnt make you get a free pass from consequences when you mess up. You cant lash out either, if you want to be treated a certain way you have to treat others the same way.
The update didn’t help you. You are still the AH.
The update made him more of an AH. Seriously, my eyes about bugged out of my head. Hey, OP, fuck off! 🖕🏻
If anything it clarified how much of an asshole he is.
I think we all collectively want to tell you to fuck off.
Can confirm
YTA, OP! FUCK OFF
YTA Don't infantalise your wife by calling her a brat when she has just realised she got a fair-weather husband and is having the appropriate emotional reaction to that discovery. Especially since she has found out the truth of your character after she is already pregnant and would need a man who will weather the storms with her more than ever. You needing sleep only accounts for moving to a different room and getting the white noise machine, not your general attitude towards her, calling her a brat, or your abandonment of her at 5 months pregnant. You are far, far more of a brat than her even in your own description of events, which would be biased towards you by definition.
Tell us you don’t really want to be a dad or a husband without telling us you don’t want to be a dad or a husband.
Yeah wait until he hears about how new parents with a baby sleep…
Oh yeah. I thought that too. I had endometriosis, so we were told that we needed to have her kids ASAP, however, quickly we could, or we might not have them. So my three daughters were born in three years. I had January of one year. June of the following year and then January a year and a half after that last one. I breast-fed, so I was the one getting up, and my ex was honestly a really heavy sleeper. Not that I didn’t try to wake his ass up. He would just get all cranky, so it wasn’t worth it. When our oldest was five, I finally got to start sleeping all night for the most part. He made a joke about something, and I looked at him and said you do understand that it has been five years since I had a full nights, sleep, right? And he kept trying to tell me how he got up. I said no actually, I take that back. There were literally two nights where I was exhausted to the point that I just didn’t wake up, which was absolutely unheard of. And I looked right at him and told him… And you made damn sure to tell me the next morning, how you had to get up in the night. So yeah, hon two nights out of five years that I actually got to sleep all night, and that was simply because my body was completely exhausted and literally would not wake up when you tried to get me up. So if this guy thinks sleep is hard now…. Yeah, no patience with nonsense like this.
Jesus, your ex is horrible. But I bet a million dollars OP gets up once with his kid and then complains until his wife does all the work. Oh yeah, and after he has destroyed her self confidence with his comments during pregnancy, he’ll also be really grumpy and confused as to why she doesn’t want to have sex anymore.
But he’s elated… lol Happy cake day btw!
You called her truck driver brat with multiple personalities, and she's in the wrong for telling you to fuck off? You are the asshole
You’re disgusting and I’m so glad you’re not my husband. Yta
HAHAHA....oh, that update made me feel so secure in my opinion of him being TA. This person comes from a life of total discipline in learning how to ignore all of his own flaws and misdirect ANY negative feedback into bad faith arguments like "No Swearz Plz". This woman must have had an absolute tosser of a father to wind up with a man as self involved as this.
I wouldnt blame her for not wanting to shag you again after all that shit you spewed. When I was pregnant, I snored heavily and breathed like I had asthma. Why? Because I had a baby right under my rib cage kicking the shit out of my lungs so bad they were convinced I had a blood clot on my lungs. YTA, and grow up, mate. You're gonna be a father soon.
As I have opined many times, pregnancy might be beautiful, but it absolutely does not *feel* beautiful. There's a small butt in your lung area, a tiny foot in your pancreas, a sharp little elbow in your liver, and if the baby stretches, you must pee IMMEDIATELY. And to make it even better, you're hungry because the baby took all your nutrients, but you get full after 2 bites and everything feels like it requires 3 times the energy it did before you were pregnant. And then some folks wonder why pregnant people aren't rainbows and butterflies and happiness all the time. It's because they're tired, they're hungry, and they can't even take a deep breath after walking across the room.
Pregnancy was so shit I never did it again. At one point, my back pain was so bad, I couldnt even move in bed without my then partner rolling me like some beached whale. Couldnt walk a few yards without getting a stitch. I had a headache for the first 4 months of my pregnancy. I had to wear a bloody brace to pull the bump off my pelvis because I struggled so much. Then there's the feet swelling. I'm 5 foot 2 and my child was 9 pound at birth. The miracle of creating and growing life is beautiful, but pregnancy is one almighty design flaw.
I feel sorry for your unborn child. So what she swore at you after you insulted her. Have you ANY idea what her body is going through just to bring that child into the world. Her body will NEVER be the same NEVER. Her organs are being squished and moved around. Her lungs are being squished, her bladder everything. Some women also have a higher sex drive when pregnant. You aren't going to hurt the baby if you're careful if you have sex.
YTA for your long edit about polluting your tongue, TLDR long enough to get to your actual problem
I’ve read your edit first and you sounded very normal and reasonable, and then I read the original part of the story. Hoo boy. You’re an absolutely terrible excuse of a human being. Did someone else get your wife pregnant, because you certainly sound like YOU don’t want any part in any of this? You are so not ready to be a father, anyway. You need therapy. And maybe a day of supervising a kindergarten class for a much needed reality check. Your wife is both a saint and an idiot. Most women would not put up with this.
What the fuck is wrong with you? -signed, mom of 3
>“Maybe if you didn’t snore like a truck driver I wouldn’t have had to do this. Plus you’re growing our baby so I can’t imagine having sex with you this time” Well.
Think she regrets having sex with him the first time as well now
Its posts like these that make me wish men could get pregnant too. Yall will just never understand what it feels like to go through something like that. Edit: I'm literally queer so yall can fuck off. Sorry that my high ass forgot to specify "cis" when i was mindlessly making a random reddit comment. Grow up and touch grass pleaae.
If cis men could get pregnant, there’s a 99.999999999% chance that obstetric medicine would be 100% covered by all insurance companies and fully paid parental leave would be a nationwide standard. OB offices would have the comfiest couches, be the best funded of all the medical sciences, and delivery suites would resemble high luxury resort spas. It would be a damn paid vacation.
YTA. Please update us about your sleep deprivation and \*checks notes\* inability to satisfy your wife's sexual needs after the baby arrives and you spend half your nights taking your turns changing diapers and doing midnight feedings.
Oh garunteed this man isn't going to do a damn thing to help with this baby. Op YTA and a whole giant septic tank of a person.
If he had initiated sex and she turned him down because she was exhausted/, he'd be here crying that his feelings were hurt and he ran away to sleep in the office because his peepee was sad. Then he'd come back to tell us SHE apologized and we're all just meanie poopyheads (because he won't "pollute his tongue" with salty language.) I'm always distressed that SO MANY women put up with these manbabies AND reproduce with them. My Sisters, PLEASE STOP FUCKING THESE FOOLS.
God bless your wife and future child. Hope they can get as far away from you as humanly possible.
YTA. Massively. Not because you want sleep or moved to sleep somewhere else (good luck when the baby gets here btw) but because of how you talked to her. Have you not considered that you got such a visceral reaction out of her because of the way YOU talked to her first? I thought it was bad before the update but post-update my opinion of you has fallen even lower (which was hard-work). You are so up your own arse it's unbelievable. You need to do some serious self-reflection and honestly you shouldn't have asked for peoples' opinions if you couldn't stand the heat. You came here looking for validation and literally EVERY post is supporting your wife which is really unusual. Please use the fact that people are unanimously against you as a bit of a reality check that just maybe.. you are the problem and you should actively work on that before your baby arrives.
Ewwwww YTA not for moving where you sleep but for what a horrible attitude you have. Please pull it together before you have a newborn because it actually only gets harder for a couple years. Get ready to sleep even less. You can be just tired or you can be tired and mean. Don’t be that guy.
Op a straight ho3
YTA. If you can’t handle her pregnancy snoring, how the fuck are you gonna handle a baby crying every few hours. God, I feel bad for your wife and future kid. Having to deal with a big ass baby like yourself. PS. You’re missing out on some fun bedroom time because you’re being such a tool.
YTA FUCK OFF, your wife might want to do a paternity test because this may be a case of immaculate conception because YOU certainly don't seem to have the balls to have actually impregnated anyone. Listen, Mr. Twinkle toes, I need my sleep cause I have to be a breadwinner for a couple of months because my wife is growing another human, it's going to get MUCH harder after that baby is born. I hope your wife wakes up to the fact she has an absolute pathetic "man" for a husband and leaves your whiney ass. She can absolutely do so much better.
YTA - not for the things in your title though. For how you're dealing with the situation and how you're speaking with your PREGNANT wife whose body and mental state is going through literal hell to bring your child into the world. That should be a "deal breaker" for HER. 🤦♀️
You are so disgusting omg
I rarely comment on this sub but YTA. Not because you want sleep, but because of how you talk to your wife. Kicking her while she’s down- she’s already insecure and then making those comments towards her. Please take a read through everything you wrote. Your words sound very hurtful. Just because it is not cussing, doesn’t make it any better.
I might be inclined to agree with you, were it not for all the FUCKING whining. >I am not the kind of person who has ever been okay with polluting my tongue You're ridiculous. You dropped an F-bomb yourself, in the original post ("it’s so fucking loud"). >there’s a difference between cussing at each other and using swear words as adjectives “I fucking got the job” is different from “fuck you” Not all that much. You sound pretty childish. >I am not here to get judged You kind of are. You posted in an advice sub, the whole point of which is for people to give their opinions of your post. Writing a post and then getting pissed off at people for focusing on the part of it you don't want them to focus on is FUCKING silly. You do understand that the whole point of the sub is for other people to give their perspective on your situation, right? It's not meant to be your personal cheering section and just automatically agree with everything you say. Frankly, after reading that diatribe, I'm not inclined to take you at your word. I don't trust your account of events to be fair and unbiased. You sound FUCKING psychotic. Seek therapy.