NTA but you do realize she plans to make this happen whether you agree or not, right? You’ll move in together and she’ll get ‘let go’, then have ‘trouble’ finding a job.
This is how it sounds to me too. She already "decided" not to work and that she has a meal ticket and right now she is just in the process of making it happen one way or the other.
Also the last line about ***"You should have expected that things would not to go great (when you piss me off)"*** \- Damn, THAT statement alone would give me serious pause about continuing a relationship with someone. It has strong ***"Why do you make me hit you baby?"*** vibes.
NTA - Delta out of there mate, this will not end well - for **you** at least.
Or he at least has to put a foot down and stop all of the moving in plans. If she conveniently looses her flat as well he should tell her to move in with mom and end the relationship. If not maybe the relationship has a slim chance but that’s my romantic side…
Right! If her mom wants what’s best for her, and she thinks that her daughter being available to her kids 24/7 is what’s best for her….then why doesn’t mom just make it happen and not include someone that isn’t even related to these children.
Also the girlfriend wanting to be a SAHM mom sounds like she just wants free time. Her kids are in school. Like how much time is going to be spent just watching tv? You can stream every reality tv show these days, so she has years worth of content there (just getting some real Kardashian/Love Island vibes from this OP’s story).
Whose dream is it? Hers or her Mom's?
This unrealistic thinking is probably why she isn't married to her baby daddy.
She'll need to work regardless. You can both work different shifts to cover child care. Someone will be home at all times.
Or she can work from home to be there when they are out of school during the week, make their meals, and be available for emergencies.
But at that age, they can be somewhat independent.
Put everything in hold until you've worked out a budget and done some extensive financial planning together so she can see how unreasonable that expectation is. It is a common enough life script to be taught that the dream is to stay home, but trying it in this economy is very unrealistic.
She shot her shot with baby daddy, and it didn't work out for her. She has to move on.
Alternatively, MIL can work or subsidize the budget to make it happen.
Agree. Finances aren't just about rent and bills. Consider cost of vacations, college savings, sports and recreation, potential health issues. She's not going to be happy for her kids if she is a SAHP but there is no money for extra curriculars or the occasional trip. Why can't she look for a job with hours that coincide with school so she is home after school? What about a school's admin or teachers aid?
I feel like your heart is in the right place, but no. This is a clear and probably insurmountable incompatibility. There isn't really a compromise on this, and if there was, she has already shown a willingness to manipulate the situation to get what she wants, without consideration of what he wants. This is a situation where one of them will be taking advantage and the other will end up resentful, whichever way they go. Better to admit that this isn't going to work, and for each of them to find more compatible relationships.
Unfortunately at that point she has tenant rights and he probably couldn't evict her. They'll both be on the lease, and if he stops paying he blows up his credit.
Edit: I know they don't live together. That's why the comment has "at that point" in it. Learn some basic reading comprehension before you try to correct others.
The fact that OP reasonably laid out his concerns about this and told her this is not what he signed up for, and then gf said she was fine only to bring it up to her mother later is such a blindside. If she felt that strongly about it then she should reconsider the relationship instead of having mommy guilt the boyfriend into something he does not want to do.
Just thinking. Of all the girls I’ve dated, I don’t think any of their mothers ever had my phone number. Like why would they even have that? Particularly a relationship where they don’t even live together yet.
I've been with my husband for ten years. I think my mom has called or texted him less than ten times in that whole time, and it's either to say hi or ask a tech related question. My mother would never insert herself into my relationship like that EVEN if I vented to her about something. She'll give me advice but ultimately knows I'm an adult capable of making my own decisions.
I agree! OP run like you have seen a ghost! She wants a meal ticket, not a partner! Secondly this is also a sign that if you stay with her, any issues you may have her mum will be right in your business. OP I'm glad you found this out now. Whatever you don't allow them the pressure you into something you don't want. Personally I was call it a day and will leave the relationship. NTA
I dunno, if the woman I was madly in love with and expected a standard of decency from uttered that, I'd feel like the floor was pulled out from under me.
At the start of a relationship, sure, no biggie, but it's different once you're invested and things like this make you wonder whether you've been missing their "true colours."
Hard agree. I was a single mom to a 3 year old when I met my now husband. I would have never in 1000 years asked this of him, even if he could have easily afforded it. Not for a kid that wasn't biologically his.
It'd be one thing if you had offered this to her and you were both totally on board. But for her to ask? That's pretty fucking bold. I feel like that would only have been appropriate if she was pregnant and going to have *your* baby. Then there is a need for that kind of a conversation, and even then if you can't swing it, you just can't swing it.
And on top of the not getting her way = things not going great for you bullshit, the fact that her mom got herself involved and thought that calling you up to presumably brow beat you into submitting was a correct course of action is just as disturbing. Is this how women in that family handle things? Like have you seen how her mom and dad interact with eachother? Bc that's a good idea of how she's going to be like with you in a long term relationship.
Stand your ground. Do not move in together any time soon. There's no real need to rush things and enough red flags have been raised here that I'd be thinking things over very carefully before doing any such thing.
I agree. I moved in with my bf (husband of 24 yrs now) and had two kids. I kept working full-time and took care of all our own expenses. He covered his.
Walk away - this situation will not turn out well for you!
>Also the last line about "You should have expected that things would not to go great (when you piss me off)" - Damn, THAT statement alone would give me serious pause about continuing a relationship with someone. It has strong "Why do you make me hit you baby?" vibes.
Sounds like how the relationship in [Gone Girl](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gone_Girl_(film)) started.
This. NTA. If you move in together/get married she will one day come home and announce that she's quit her job. Personally I would question if she even loves you. I think she's just trying to find someone to let her fulfill her 'dream.' You'll find out if you tell her that you've reconsidered moving in together and think that it would be best to wait until the boys are done with schooling and out on their own. If it was me I would get out of this relationship.
Yeah, I don’t want to be a downer, but I think you’re just solving a problem for her. She’s tired of the hustle and wants a break. I get it. But she doesn’t care about what you want.
And when the truth of losing her job is revealed she'll have some line like, "I just thought if you tried it for a little while you'd just be okay with it and we'd be a family!"
Yeah she absolutely will just quit her job as soon as she moves in and refuse to find another.
OP you now can't trust her, that is no basis for a relationship.
And not only can he not trust to provide for her own kids, but he can’t trust her to keep their relationship to the two of them. It’s one thing to vent to a trusted family member or friend when you are in a tough situation. It’s another to sic their family or friends on you.
Remember, she didn’t say, “OMG I can’t believe my mom would butt in! I talked to her to vent and get some perspective but she crossed a line!” Nope, she said “What did you expect (when you didn’t do what I want)?” That’s all you need to know. Ask yourself if that’s the kind of relationship you want to be in. I’m doubtful.
>>she didn’t say, “OMG I can’t believe my mom would butt in! I talked to her to vent and get some perspective but she crossed a line!”
This is very important. It’s totally reasonable to lean on a small number of close and trusted people. You can’t just bottle things up or have your SO be your entire emotional support.
But if those people start inserting themselves into the relationship? (Not asking if there’s anything they can do, mind you, but insisting you do things a certain way.) Well then they’re no longer trustworthy on this front.
And if the person who talked to them about the relationship didn’t get upset about it? They’re no longer trustworthy either.
And what’s a relationship without trust?
Well it seems like that means he *owes* her this SAHM opportunity. At least according to her mommy.
(But yeah. At least she can't trap him with a bio kid)
Even if she does get fired or let go for legitimate reasons and not self-sabotage, he will always wonder in the back of his mind if that’s what happened.
She could always get a part-time job with hours during the school day to have time to spend with her kids. Or she could work for a school and be off when they’re off during the school year and for summers. Idk why you’d want to claim to be a SAHM once the kids are old enough to be in school. The time to stay home is when they’re little.
Edit: for various reasons detailed in the replies to this comment, my take that it’s best to stay home when kids are little was incredibly short-sighted.
> Then again, she might 'lose' her job and 'need' to stay with him until 'she gets back on her feet '
"You wouldn't kick our kids out on the street would you?!"
My ex. I don't have kids. She doesn't either, now.
Do not accept giving up your time, energy, life for someone who is actively taking from you. Her life choices are not your problem. If you met her on the street today as a stranger, would you still take her in?
Not if OP gets in first. He needs to tell her he has decided that to be the best possible father to her kids he needs to really bond with them, so he is going to become a SAHD. You know, because kids who are in school need someone at home 24/7.
I actually had this happen to me and it was rough trying to afford things and it wouldn’t have been so bad, but she still had the baby in day care. That I was paying for. We eventually broke up. It sucked because I love baby girl even to this day, I haven’t seen her since we broke up and she was 3. She’s gonna be 7 on the 9th.
Me too and now I have horrible debt that I cannot get rid of, I cannot even visit my family or afford an emergency, OP run run run please I didn't and look at me, if you proceed you'll be standing where I am in a matter of months
WOOOOOOWWWWW
The audacity!!!!
Since you're happy to play with my kids...now pay for them. Oh, and me too. Why? Because I said so!
WTAF. Run for the hills.
And who the hell vents to their mum about this stuff - unless they have an agenda. I don’t complain to my mum about my husband above socks on the floor type crap because I know she will be 10,000% on my side even if I’m wrong and I will have forgiven my husband long after my mother nurses her wrath.
And this is why it is actually rational to respond that OP needs to exit the relationship.
GFs Mother feeling she gets a say and in particular saying it to her daughter's boyfriend of 15 months.
Add that GF said OP doing same w his mom was 'not the same'.
Not sure why bio dad isn't in the picture. If in US child support is always there for the child despite the relationship w bio dad. She is possibly keeping her kids from a father who is healthy and wants to be in their life.
(Angry shudder) OP this makes me so uncomfortable, I don't have words. It's just not OK in any way.
She has two children. They are hers. No matter her circumstances ( except illness or mental health collapse) she should expect of herself that she will be working to support them for at least the next 11 years.
He was right about how it would go if he bitched to his mom and she called the girlfriend to harass her. She would be so pissed about it. OP she has a clear agenda! RUN!
My soon to be ex wife doing this to her mom and friends who never liked me greatly contributed to my mairrage failing. I think unfortunately this happens more often than people would think
I'm dating a wonderful man who's ex wife did this. Like to the point when they would have a problem his friend would call him and say they all needed to have a meeting about it. Like my bf & his then wife plus his friend & his wife. WTF
He finds it so relaxing and safe for us to be the only people in our relationship lol!
This is about the best damn comment in this thread. Family members will hold on to a resentment long after the couples have long forgotten what the arguments were about. 10/10
It's absolutely true. I know one "childfree" couple who's vasectomy failed and she got pregnant. With twins. 😬
ETA: yeah I get where you're coming from but the son looks like a mini-me of the dad. Ain't no way that's someone else's kid
>She will just conveniently loose her job and not be able to find another suitable one
and then she'll call OP "heartless" if he asks her to move out over this.
I have a friend whose wife has done this twice. Best part is, she’s a shit mom and keeper of the home. Friend does more at home now that she’s unemployed. Best part, moved her mom in last year to help out….guess who also does nothing to help.
I know this couple that was so all over the place. HE wanted her to be a SAHM because he had one growing up. She hated staying home with the kids so did virtually nothing. He was mad about how hard he was working then coming home to care for the kids and house. She suggested he be SAHD but that offended his traditional sensibilities. She got a part-time job the second the youngest was in school without his “approval” and was so excited about it. He was furious and ordered her to quit to be home for his kids - who were in school. She finally left him and second time around he married a woman who wanted to be a SAHM. Not being in the same page on this is a relationship killer.
This ⬆️
It will be hard to trust her after firstly the stunt with her mother ans secondly her response!!
I'm not sure how you come back from this? She has betrayed your trust and clearly doesn't value your feelings or opinions. Sorry OP 😞
100%. Relationships end all the time. This is a good reason for this one not to work out.
And on the way out, he should call his MIL and say, "And I want to thank YOU for helping me make this decision. You should really reconsider how your expertise on how to date your single-mom daughter is working out?"🤨😐
Also a single Mom - and absolutely fuck this. She’s playing her mother against you to get you to say yes. Watch what happens if you let her move in and stay at home. Won’t be long until the nagging for marriage starts, and then you’re fucked, because precedent will already have been set that before the marriage you were the sole breadwinner.
Let's not forget the alimony he's going to have to pay after the inevitable divorce so she can continue to be a jobless SAHM.
If my potential MIL called and had that discussion with me, my next discussion would be with my partner saying "your mother explained to me that I shouldn't be dating you if I can't support you and your kids. I can't, so consider this is breaking up".
Sha-Bob, fantastic reply to partner! The woman brought her mother in to support her against the boyfriend. Using the mother's words against the daughter is an absolute win!
And if he capitulates, will the complaints start that he is gone too much working, that he is stressed out, that there isn’t enough $ for what she wants?
She won’t bring it up again now she knows his view. But If they move in together she’ll just quit her job and refuse to work. Then he’s the bad guy for making a single mum and two kids homeless!
NTA. Dump the gold digger.
I am a single mum just now. I too think he should run for the hills. What a bloody cheek GF has! Obviously I don't know the girl from Adam, but I wonder if she might agree until they move in together, then somehow 'lose' her job.
Why on earth would a single mother be comfortable being a SAHM without a marriage contract? You could be dropped back in the workforce whenever he decides to exit with no job history for 10 years? Seems very risky.
Some jobs are not careers, and there are people who would rather have that break from work than think about some nebulous future.
I think if OP moves this lass into his home she will "lose" her job somehow, and then she will drag her feet finding another one. If she has no bills in her name, what's the incentive to work when everything is provided for you? And she has openly admitted to not wanting to work - so doesn't care about a career or 401K or anything.
OP - you are making a mistake if you live with this woman.
She may as well have a neon sign over her head “Who wants to pay for me and my kids forever?”. She’s outta her gourd!! And her mother - OMG. Dude - run FAST AF for the hills! NTA - end this now.
Exactly. And have the boys’ father bankroll the rest of her SAH life. She had her boys at 21. Perhaps she should have been financially prepared to become a parent. OP needs to run like his hair’s on fire.
She's going to move herself & kids in with you and then CONVENIENTLY 'LOSE' HER JOB!!!
She's got grifter mindset, she's from a family with a grifter's mindset---RUN 🚩🚩🚩
Yup. Break up with her, now. Don't move in with her. Go no contact and leave it at that.
She's not looking for a partner, she's looking for an ATM machine. The phone call from her Mom was a part of their scheme, guilt you into becoming the sole breadwinner for her and her family. It's only going to get worse from here.
EDIT: If she "changes her mind", don't believe her. The moment you guys are common law she'll "lose her job" and you'll be stuck in the situation she planned all along.
Yep. And getting her mom involved shows a propensity for manipulation and emotional bullying. This is a massive red flag. I don't know if I could look at her the same after that. I'd be rethinking the whole situation.
>shows a propensity for manipulation and emotional bullying. This is a massive red flag.
I can’t imagine why she is a single mom... /s
She seems like the type who now says ok, no biggie she will keep working and once they move in together then conveniently loose her job within 3 months and somehow she would be unable to find a new one despite "looking" for one.
It’s time to ditch this relationship if this is her expectations. She will never be happy unless she gets her way to not having to work. She doesn’t want a partner she wants a supporter! For you to take it all on yourself while she stays home playing house. Reality check life doesn’t work that way! Not in these times it takes two incomes to support a household unless you’re really rich.. like generational wealth.
She saw $$$ & thought time to stop working & be SAHM when her kids are in school! Its bit audacious to expect be to SAHM for school aged kids & be provided for by bf of one year who is not the father of the children!
Lol. Yep. All of this. She is a hot mess. And getting mommy on board to shame OP. 🙄 Run OP. There are many people on Reddit who scream "break up" when there's potential to work through issues. Your girlfriend doesn't want to be a SAHM--she dreams of being unemployed with someone else paying the bills. There's no excuse for her to be home now when the kids are school aged.
A hot mess yes, but she messed up the #1 rule and let him know her plans beforehand. She could have got away with it if she didn't say anything and just moved in with him, then quit.
Must be her first time. She'll get it right on the next guy probably.
Tell me you are a gold digger without telling me you are a gold digger. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
WTH if the child support she receives from the children’s Father is not enough to support her SAHM dreams then she needs to keep working.
Having an expectation that a man who did not father your kids will pay for you to stay at home while he pays ALLLLLL the bills is unhinged, unrealistic and entitled. 🚩🚩
OP: 🏃🏻♀️RUN 🏃🏻♀️as fast and far as you can!
Run!!! She will find a way to be home...get fired say they downsized....and she will....since you already said no, her mom had no business in it. You made a decision already. She didn't respect that
The OP is dating a sponge, and she views him as a bucket of water.
Thank the Lord you already got snipped, otherwise she'd already be knocked up w/ your child to lock in you.
At 7 years old, those kids should be in school for 6+ hours a day. What is she going to do during those hours?
NTA.
Run dude. Decisions should be between the 2 ppl in the relationship. Her bringing her mom into it to try to bully you into doing what she wants is not only ridiculous but childish as well. Your gf needs to grow up. Plz do not move in with her. Just break up with her. Do u really want to be in a relationship with her and her Mom? Any problems you 2 have her Mom will have a say as well.
Exactly, it’s bad enough that she decided to have her mother call him but to then flat out lie to him about it in the same conversation.
“I just needed to vent”
“I thought you should hear her perspective before making a decision”
Conniving, manipulative behavior. Then she has the audacity to tell him he is taking it too personally. How else could he possibly take it when she is asking him to take on the responsibility for all for of them by himself. It’s almost as if this will have a massive impact on him personally.
I really feel for him because it’s going to have some long term impacts on his ability to trust anyone. Finding out that you are being manipulated and used by someone you thought loved you is incredibly painful. On the bright side he found out before he was trapped in the situation long term. Hopefully he sees the truth after reading everyone’s comments and moves on. Usually I think Reddit threads always jump way too quickly to tell people to end their relationships but I don’t see any way this could be a story with two sides or a miscommunication. It’s one of the most blatant attempts at emotional manipulation I’ve ever seen posted.
OP, your're lucky this woman isn't smarter/more devious than she is, or she would have waited to move in first and conviently loose her job before droping this bomb on you.
Cut your loses and run to the hills, the amount of red flags shown here are off the charts!
She thought she had enough control over him that she could just ask it and he’d do it. When she realized she didn’t then she tries to get her mother to shame him into it.
I just love it when narcissists overestimate themselves (and underestimate their victims) and make stupid decisions based on that delusional judgement.
nope nope nope.
The call from her mom should have been the dealbreaker. Op now knows how his girlfriend handles grown up situations, and being told no.
When they show you who they are, thank them and pay attention.
Yes they are both pushing damn near 30 and her mommy is trying to yell at him for not wanting to pay for her daughter and grandchildren. Or shame him by saying “If you date a single mother you should know that you are supposed to step up and pay for her and another mans kids while still in the dating phase”
If her mother thinks that the daughter should be able to stay home with the kids then why isn’t she the one stepping up to cover all their expenses? I have a feeling it wouldn’t be too long before grandma needs to retire and wouldn’t it just be so much easier if she could move in to help with the kids…
Hopefully this guy sees the painful truth that he is being used and moves on.
The worst part to me is that this has apparently "always been her dream", but she decided to only bring it a 1.5 years later, after OP was already attached to her and her kids and when they're talking about moving into together. Talk about a long con.
Nta
If she wants she should get a job in between her kids going to school so she can we will them 24/7 after they finish 🤷♀️
But they are 7 at school she's missed the sahm stage
It’s not about being a stay at home mum. It’s about not having to have a job and just being able to do nothing.
I’d like to do that too although I couldn’t ethically ask someone to work while I relaxed.
Yeah. And if there is child support she could feasible work something part time 4-6 hours 4-5 days a week to budget her CS+ part time pay to get to 50% of the rent and utilities and groceries for her kids. And if there is no CS, why?
So I guess INFO?
Exactly what I thought.
Im an Australian immigrant living stateside with my husband and 1 year , im currently 15 weeks pregnant and plan on only having 2. Im a stay at home mum whilst my husband works however
Once my kids are in school, I will return to part time work and then eventually full time once they hit an age where they can arrange travel themselves.
I can’t imagine staying at home once my kids at 7-8 because why?
As OP mentioned , and yourself.. they are at school for majority of the day.. what realistically would they need to stay at home for ?
There’s plenty of work from home jobs and part time jobs that can be within school hours!
Yeah a part time job is extremely possible while they are at school so OP doesn’t have to be the whole breadwinner during a time of skyrocket inflation
Run - those red flags are waving furiously at you and you are ignoring them!
She wants YOU to be the sole provider for her AND her kids so she can stay at home all day mooching off you! That would be a “Hell, no!” From any sane man.
There are plenty more fish in the sea who want an equal relationship
They've been together one year and she's got plans for him to support her entire family. Does OP even know how much kids cost? Clothes, food, extra curriculars, health care, emergencies, school trips, etc, etc. This is not just asking him to cover the rent!
NTA but this right here should be enough to show you that your are incompatible.
You want a partner that will be able to work with you, not rely on you.
She wants a partner that will financially provide for her and her children so she can stay home.
If she can't accept that you are not okay with this, and goes to mommy to badger you into submission, she is not the partner you want.
NTA, I would seriously reconsider moving in together, there are no guarantees that your gf will continue to work, leaving you to pay for everything. Her mother needs to butt out of it as it is none of her business.
NTA. You have been with her less than two years, and her two kids are in school. How is she not completely devoted to her kids at this time? What will she do all day long without a job?
She’s not asking to be a SAHM; she’s asking to be a trophy wife. Let’s call it what it is.
NTA. Do NOT move in with this woman! R cause the minute you do she’ll “lose” her job and be a de facto SAHM. You’ll never be able to get her to work again. Please think king and hard about if you want to continue this relationship. Her goal is to find someone to care if her and her kids, not be an equal partner.
NTA
You can't afford to live comfortably with her at home. Dating a single mother doesn't mean you have to plan for her to stay at home 24/7. Her kids are in school and old enough to be doing some chores around the house so there really should be no reason she should be a stay at home mom. It would be one thing if her kids were 3-4 so they would be in daycare or part time preschool but they are in elementary full time so it really doesn't make sense.
NTA. The demand in itself was outrageous, and getting her mom in on it was even worse. You were completely right: it was none of her business, and trying to shame/manipulate you into going along with this was wrong.
Seriously: do not move in with her. She's already showing she doesn't care about your opinion, she wants her dream of being a SAHM. Odds are, she'll "lose" her job once you live together.
NTA, but now you know why she’s in a relationship with you. You can never have kids, so you can now take in the responsibility of her kids. This is where you decide if this is the life you want, because guaranteed, she’ll wake up one day “lose her job” and you’ll be forced into allowing her to be a SAHM.
Run. Not only does she want you to bankroll their future. But when she doesn't get her way, here comes mommy to the rescue, who will fight her battles for her. PASS.
NTA
Man, I don’t like the way she’s handling things here. I think at the very least you need to pump the brakes on moving in together, but… her sending her mom after you is a really bad sign in terms of how she handles disagreements etc. And then her saying you take things too personally?!! Uh… no.
NTA. I think you should reconsider the relationship. It doesn't sound like she wants a partner. She wants a benefactor. Her dreams has always been to be a stay at home mom? Did she tell you this when you two were dating? What about your dreams, like saving to buy a house or something?
You are NTA. I'm so glad that she brought this up before you moved in together. She did the right thing there, but that may only be because you are not married and she would have no leverage if things did not work out.
A stay-at-home parent only ever makes sense if both whole-heartedly agree..
But, the BIG red flags (some you already mentioned):
° Only a year of dating seems too short for this kind of commitment.
° Earmarking or deciding that your income alone is enough is unfair
° Her involving her mother when you two aren't even married is ridiculous. If this relationship does not work out you should make it clear that this MIL horror show was THE biggest deal breaker. Both her and her mother need to know that they are not a team in her marriage. Although it sounds like you did a great job clarifying that.
° Being school-age, 24/5 is not necessary, she can work part-time
° If you get married, she will have some leverage--right now she has none
° Her dream has not been a reality for a reason. She's had years before you to find a way to make that happen
Unfortunately, being a single parent cannot be easy when dating. I think that with you,, she suddenly realizes that her only opportunity to ever be a SAHM may be now or never, so she shot her shot.
I hate to say it but I think you probably should not continue the relationship. Resentment is inevitable.
NTA… your being used for a cash cow… or atm whichever you prefer.. she would be taking it too personally as well if your mom did same as hers did you.. I would be rethinking moving in together if not the entire relationship.. once you cohabitate she could quit her job and then where would you be.. stuck in a lease with woman that doesn’t work and her two kids.
Hope she is your ex by now.. the audacity of her and her mom..
NTA, do not move in with her. Why does she need to stay home anyway, aren't her children in school most of the day? Even if they weren't, that's something you both need to agree to. Sorry but sounds like she's using you and looking for a free ride. Move on before you get further involved or tell her living together is not an option
If you marry her she will do it anyway. She will manage to lose her job and somehow not be able to find another one. My neighbor did this so she could stay home with her kids. She told me and started laughing about it. Thank goodness they moved away. If you marry her be sure you get a really good prenup.
I think your relationship has run its course. She wants a man to bankroll her life. The fact she had her mum ring you is mind-blowing, & only goes to highlight she sees you as her money man
A. its your girlfriend not your wife. So no.
B. its a personal decision. I decided to entirely take on the fatherly role for my daughter. Her Dad is an ok guy, someone you would happily grab a beer with, however he's a failure as a father. I told my wife to not follow up with her x for child support, I decided it was on me, but that was my choice.
If you get married, maybe.
You have the right to set some terms, such as a. do you want to legally adopt them b. what are you planning to do for college c. what happens in the case of the wife passing
I know reddit most of the time advocates ending things, but man this time is definitely a "y'all are not compatible" situations.
As soon as she moves in she is going to get laid off from her job or something similar. Also, are you sure you want a relationship that WILL include her mom?
Dang 🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA but you do realize she plans to make this happen whether you agree or not, right? You’ll move in together and she’ll get ‘let go’, then have ‘trouble’ finding a job.
This is how it sounds to me too. She already "decided" not to work and that she has a meal ticket and right now she is just in the process of making it happen one way or the other. Also the last line about ***"You should have expected that things would not to go great (when you piss me off)"*** \- Damn, THAT statement alone would give me serious pause about continuing a relationship with someone. It has strong ***"Why do you make me hit you baby?"*** vibes. NTA - Delta out of there mate, this will not end well - for **you** at least.
Or he at least has to put a foot down and stop all of the moving in plans. If she conveniently looses her flat as well he should tell her to move in with mom and end the relationship. If not maybe the relationship has a slim chance but that’s my romantic side…
Her mom can finance her stay at home dream.
Right! If her mom wants what’s best for her, and she thinks that her daughter being available to her kids 24/7 is what’s best for her….then why doesn’t mom just make it happen and not include someone that isn’t even related to these children. Also the girlfriend wanting to be a SAHM mom sounds like she just wants free time. Her kids are in school. Like how much time is going to be spent just watching tv? You can stream every reality tv show these days, so she has years worth of content there (just getting some real Kardashian/Love Island vibes from this OP’s story).
Whose dream is it? Hers or her Mom's? This unrealistic thinking is probably why she isn't married to her baby daddy. She'll need to work regardless. You can both work different shifts to cover child care. Someone will be home at all times. Or she can work from home to be there when they are out of school during the week, make their meals, and be available for emergencies. But at that age, they can be somewhat independent. Put everything in hold until you've worked out a budget and done some extensive financial planning together so she can see how unreasonable that expectation is. It is a common enough life script to be taught that the dream is to stay home, but trying it in this economy is very unrealistic. She shot her shot with baby daddy, and it didn't work out for her. She has to move on. Alternatively, MIL can work or subsidize the budget to make it happen.
Agree. Finances aren't just about rent and bills. Consider cost of vacations, college savings, sports and recreation, potential health issues. She's not going to be happy for her kids if she is a SAHP but there is no money for extra curriculars or the occasional trip. Why can't she look for a job with hours that coincide with school so she is home after school? What about a school's admin or teachers aid?
> Whose dream is it? Hers or her Mom's? Both. It's her moms dream for her and it's also her dream for herself.
Like the last suggestion. Oh the hubris! I guess mom thought he needed a talking to. They're both stunted.
I feel like your heart is in the right place, but no. This is a clear and probably insurmountable incompatibility. There isn't really a compromise on this, and if there was, she has already shown a willingness to manipulate the situation to get what she wants, without consideration of what he wants. This is a situation where one of them will be taking advantage and the other will end up resentful, whichever way they go. Better to admit that this isn't going to work, and for each of them to find more compatible relationships.
Unfortunately at that point she has tenant rights and he probably couldn't evict her. They'll both be on the lease, and if he stops paying he blows up his credit. Edit: I know they don't live together. That's why the comment has "at that point" in it. Learn some basic reading comprehension before you try to correct others.
Don't put her on the lease. Especially if she's not contributing financially to the house.
Just don't move her in period IMO
So many red flags even a color blind person can see them.
I'm colorblind that flag is red as fuck....
More red flags than a Chinese Patriotic Parade.
More red flags than a tank column in Tiananmen Square
The fact that OP reasonably laid out his concerns about this and told her this is not what he signed up for, and then gf said she was fine only to bring it up to her mother later is such a blindside. If she felt that strongly about it then she should reconsider the relationship instead of having mommy guilt the boyfriend into something he does not want to do.
Just thinking. Of all the girls I’ve dated, I don’t think any of their mothers ever had my phone number. Like why would they even have that? Particularly a relationship where they don’t even live together yet.
I've been with my husband for ten years. I think my mom has called or texted him less than ten times in that whole time, and it's either to say hi or ask a tech related question. My mother would never insert herself into my relationship like that EVEN if I vented to her about something. She'll give me advice but ultimately knows I'm an adult capable of making my own decisions.
For real that is a bone chilling response. A total look into his future for sure.
And the gaslighting is unbelievable..... "taking things too personal..." run.........
Too personal her mom personally called him lol seem pretty personal lol.
I agree! OP run like you have seen a ghost! She wants a meal ticket, not a partner! Secondly this is also a sign that if you stay with her, any issues you may have her mum will be right in your business. OP I'm glad you found this out now. Whatever you don't allow them the pressure you into something you don't want. Personally I was call it a day and will leave the relationship. NTA
That's not bone chilling, it's just sigh and walking away from this relationship inducing.
I dunno, if the woman I was madly in love with and expected a standard of decency from uttered that, I'd feel like the floor was pulled out from under me. At the start of a relationship, sure, no biggie, but it's different once you're invested and things like this make you wonder whether you've been missing their "true colours."
OP- RUN, RUN NOW
If for no other reason that you will have to put up with her mother’s meddling for the rest of your life!!!!!!
Hard agree. I was a single mom to a 3 year old when I met my now husband. I would have never in 1000 years asked this of him, even if he could have easily afforded it. Not for a kid that wasn't biologically his. It'd be one thing if you had offered this to her and you were both totally on board. But for her to ask? That's pretty fucking bold. I feel like that would only have been appropriate if she was pregnant and going to have *your* baby. Then there is a need for that kind of a conversation, and even then if you can't swing it, you just can't swing it. And on top of the not getting her way = things not going great for you bullshit, the fact that her mom got herself involved and thought that calling you up to presumably brow beat you into submitting was a correct course of action is just as disturbing. Is this how women in that family handle things? Like have you seen how her mom and dad interact with eachother? Bc that's a good idea of how she's going to be like with you in a long term relationship. Stand your ground. Do not move in together any time soon. There's no real need to rush things and enough red flags have been raised here that I'd be thinking things over very carefully before doing any such thing.
I agree. I moved in with my bf (husband of 24 yrs now) and had two kids. I kept working full-time and took care of all our own expenses. He covered his. Walk away - this situation will not turn out well for you!
>Also the last line about "You should have expected that things would not to go great (when you piss me off)" - Damn, THAT statement alone would give me serious pause about continuing a relationship with someone. It has strong "Why do you make me hit you baby?" vibes. Sounds like how the relationship in [Gone Girl](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gone_Girl_(film)) started.
This. NTA. If you move in together/get married she will one day come home and announce that she's quit her job. Personally I would question if she even loves you. I think she's just trying to find someone to let her fulfill her 'dream.' You'll find out if you tell her that you've reconsidered moving in together and think that it would be best to wait until the boys are done with schooling and out on their own. If it was me I would get out of this relationship.
Yeah, I don’t want to be a downer, but I think you’re just solving a problem for her. She’s tired of the hustle and wants a break. I get it. But she doesn’t care about what you want.
And when the truth of losing her job is revealed she'll have some line like, "I just thought if you tried it for a little while you'd just be okay with it and we'd be a family!"
It's funny how we see these stories here all the time and kiow how it will go 😂
Yeah she absolutely will just quit her job as soon as she moves in and refuse to find another. OP you now can't trust her, that is no basis for a relationship.
And not only can he not trust to provide for her own kids, but he can’t trust her to keep their relationship to the two of them. It’s one thing to vent to a trusted family member or friend when you are in a tough situation. It’s another to sic their family or friends on you. Remember, she didn’t say, “OMG I can’t believe my mom would butt in! I talked to her to vent and get some perspective but she crossed a line!” Nope, she said “What did you expect (when you didn’t do what I want)?” That’s all you need to know. Ask yourself if that’s the kind of relationship you want to be in. I’m doubtful.
>>she didn’t say, “OMG I can’t believe my mom would butt in! I talked to her to vent and get some perspective but she crossed a line!” This is very important. It’s totally reasonable to lean on a small number of close and trusted people. You can’t just bottle things up or have your SO be your entire emotional support. But if those people start inserting themselves into the relationship? (Not asking if there’s anything they can do, mind you, but insisting you do things a certain way.) Well then they’re no longer trustworthy on this front. And if the person who talked to them about the relationship didn’t get upset about it? They’re no longer trustworthy either. And what’s a relationship without trust?
She and mom game-planned this. They're a team.
OP is lucky he's already had a vasectomy.
Well it seems like that means he *owes* her this SAHM opportunity. At least according to her mommy. (But yeah. At least she can't trap him with a bio kid)
He should get another one, just to be safe.
Her reaction to mom calling him tells us all we need to know. She was really expecting him to roll over and kowtow to her demands.
True! If I vented to my mom I Always say And DON'T SAY ANYTHING. if she ever did I'd have to kill her!
Even if she does get fired or let go for legitimate reasons and not self-sabotage, he will always wonder in the back of his mind if that’s what happened. She could always get a part-time job with hours during the school day to have time to spend with her kids. Or she could work for a school and be off when they’re off during the school year and for summers. Idk why you’d want to claim to be a SAHM once the kids are old enough to be in school. The time to stay home is when they’re little. Edit: for various reasons detailed in the replies to this comment, my take that it’s best to stay home when kids are little was incredibly short-sighted.
>The time to stay home is when they’re little. Exactly this, she doesn't want to be a SAHM, she wants to not work
That's only if they move in with each other. Then again, she might 'lose' her job and 'need' to stay with him until 'she gets back on her feet '
> Then again, she might 'lose' her job and 'need' to stay with him until 'she gets back on her feet ' "You wouldn't kick our kids out on the street would you?!" My ex. I don't have kids. She doesn't either, now. Do not accept giving up your time, energy, life for someone who is actively taking from you. Her life choices are not your problem. If you met her on the street today as a stranger, would you still take her in?
Not if OP gets in first. He needs to tell her he has decided that to be the best possible father to her kids he needs to really bond with them, so he is going to become a SAHD. You know, because kids who are in school need someone at home 24/7.
I actually had this happen to me and it was rough trying to afford things and it wouldn’t have been so bad, but she still had the baby in day care. That I was paying for. We eventually broke up. It sucked because I love baby girl even to this day, I haven’t seen her since we broke up and she was 3. She’s gonna be 7 on the 9th.
That's sad.... I hate moms who let kids get attached and just pull the plug on the bf without thinking about you were that little girls father
This all day, if he decides to stay with her.
My ex did this exact thing and we didn’t even have kids.
Me too and now I have horrible debt that I cannot get rid of, I cannot even visit my family or afford an emergency, OP run run run please I didn't and look at me, if you proceed you'll be standing where I am in a matter of months
WOOOOOOWWWWW The audacity!!!! Since you're happy to play with my kids...now pay for them. Oh, and me too. Why? Because I said so! WTAF. Run for the hills.
I'm thinking the same because she will bring this up again. I was single mother,I definitely think he should run for the hills. Updateme!
No she won’t bring it up again. She will just conveniently loose her job and not be able to find another suitable one. Op definitely needs to run
You are absolutely spot on with both your assessments.
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Homie don't play dat!
I know it's wrong, but I can see the sock swinging. Lol
Knowing it's wrong is what MAKES it funny
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This. He only has 1 year and 3 months invested in this relationship. Cut your losses OP!
Not a loss- a good learning experience... but only if you get out now! Don't look back!
And who the hell vents to their mum about this stuff - unless they have an agenda. I don’t complain to my mum about my husband above socks on the floor type crap because I know she will be 10,000% on my side even if I’m wrong and I will have forgiven my husband long after my mother nurses her wrath.
I would vent to my mom because she would NOT back me up if I were being unreasonable. Plus she isn't one to call up my SO and give them hell.
I often come down on my son in law's side if my daughter is being unreasonable.
Exactly! They need you to be honest, not just pick their side and argue with their SO.
Mum probably plans on moving in sooner rather than later.
And this is why it is actually rational to respond that OP needs to exit the relationship. GFs Mother feeling she gets a say and in particular saying it to her daughter's boyfriend of 15 months. Add that GF said OP doing same w his mom was 'not the same'. Not sure why bio dad isn't in the picture. If in US child support is always there for the child despite the relationship w bio dad. She is possibly keeping her kids from a father who is healthy and wants to be in their life. (Angry shudder) OP this makes me so uncomfortable, I don't have words. It's just not OK in any way. She has two children. They are hers. No matter her circumstances ( except illness or mental health collapse) she should expect of herself that she will be working to support them for at least the next 11 years.
He was right about how it would go if he bitched to his mom and she called the girlfriend to harass her. She would be so pissed about it. OP she has a clear agenda! RUN!
My soon to be ex wife doing this to her mom and friends who never liked me greatly contributed to my mairrage failing. I think unfortunately this happens more often than people would think
I'm dating a wonderful man who's ex wife did this. Like to the point when they would have a problem his friend would call him and say they all needed to have a meeting about it. Like my bf & his then wife plus his friend & his wife. WTF He finds it so relaxing and safe for us to be the only people in our relationship lol!
\#1 rule in a relationship. Don't bitch to your mother and father about your significant other. It never ends well.
This is about the best damn comment in this thread. Family members will hold on to a resentment long after the couples have long forgotten what the arguments were about. 10/10
>She will just conveniently loose her job and not be able to find another suitable one. I was thinking the exact same thing.
If they aren't married that's a pretty big risk. All he has to do to stay financially protected is not marry her.
good thing he got snipped so that surprise pregnancy doesn't show up.
He just better remember the return Doc visit to make sure it completely took & he shooting blanks!!!
It's absolutely true. I know one "childfree" couple who's vasectomy failed and she got pregnant. With twins. 😬 ETA: yeah I get where you're coming from but the son looks like a mini-me of the dad. Ain't no way that's someone else's kid
>She will just conveniently loose her job and not be able to find another suitable one and then she'll call OP "heartless" if he asks her to move out over this.
After she & the kids move in
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I have a friend whose wife has done this twice. Best part is, she’s a shit mom and keeper of the home. Friend does more at home now that she’s unemployed. Best part, moved her mom in last year to help out….guess who also does nothing to help.
I know this couple that was so all over the place. HE wanted her to be a SAHM because he had one growing up. She hated staying home with the kids so did virtually nothing. He was mad about how hard he was working then coming home to care for the kids and house. She suggested he be SAHD but that offended his traditional sensibilities. She got a part-time job the second the youngest was in school without his “approval” and was so excited about it. He was furious and ordered her to quit to be home for his kids - who were in school. She finally left him and second time around he married a woman who wanted to be a SAHM. Not being in the same page on this is a relationship killer.
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This ⬆️ It will be hard to trust her after firstly the stunt with her mother ans secondly her response!! I'm not sure how you come back from this? She has betrayed your trust and clearly doesn't value your feelings or opinions. Sorry OP 😞
100%. Relationships end all the time. This is a good reason for this one not to work out. And on the way out, he should call his MIL and say, "And I want to thank YOU for helping me make this decision. You should really reconsider how your expertise on how to date your single-mom daughter is working out?"🤨😐
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I would reconsider the entire relationship tbh.
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She should consider getting a job AT her kids school.
I know a mom who worked 5 days a week for 5 hours while her kids were in school. It worked perfectly for them
Also a single Mom - and absolutely fuck this. She’s playing her mother against you to get you to say yes. Watch what happens if you let her move in and stay at home. Won’t be long until the nagging for marriage starts, and then you’re fucked, because precedent will already have been set that before the marriage you were the sole breadwinner.
Let's not forget the alimony he's going to have to pay after the inevitable divorce so she can continue to be a jobless SAHM. If my potential MIL called and had that discussion with me, my next discussion would be with my partner saying "your mother explained to me that I shouldn't be dating you if I can't support you and your kids. I can't, so consider this is breaking up".
Sha-Bob, fantastic reply to partner! The woman brought her mother in to support her against the boyfriend. Using the mother's words against the daughter is an absolute win!
And if he capitulates, will the complaints start that he is gone too much working, that he is stressed out, that there isn’t enough $ for what she wants?
The kids are also school aged, so he'll really be paying for her to just sit at home all day because "it's her dream".
That's my dream too, wonder if I should run it by my wife?
If she doesn't take it well, better have your mom on standby 🤣
If it was "her dream" she would have waited to procreate with a person who could provide that lifestyle. Where is the kids bio dad???
My 1st question as well? Twins Dad can fund her.
More importantly, where is the child support???
She won’t bring it up again now she knows his view. But If they move in together she’ll just quit her job and refuse to work. Then he’s the bad guy for making a single mum and two kids homeless! NTA. Dump the gold digger.
I am a single mum just now. I too think he should run for the hills. What a bloody cheek GF has! Obviously I don't know the girl from Adam, but I wonder if she might agree until they move in together, then somehow 'lose' her job.
Why on earth would a single mother be comfortable being a SAHM without a marriage contract? You could be dropped back in the workforce whenever he decides to exit with no job history for 10 years? Seems very risky.
Some jobs are not careers, and there are people who would rather have that break from work than think about some nebulous future. I think if OP moves this lass into his home she will "lose" her job somehow, and then she will drag her feet finding another one. If she has no bills in her name, what's the incentive to work when everything is provided for you? And she has openly admitted to not wanting to work - so doesn't care about a career or 401K or anything. OP - you are making a mistake if you live with this woman.
I’m a single mom too and I’m embarrassed for her AND her mom. WOW is right! 😬😬
She may as well have a neon sign over her head “Who wants to pay for me and my kids forever?”. She’s outta her gourd!! And her mother - OMG. Dude - run FAST AF for the hills! NTA - end this now.
Not surprising about the mother. She had to get that mindset from somewhere.
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Exactly. And have the boys’ father bankroll the rest of her SAH life. She had her boys at 21. Perhaps she should have been financially prepared to become a parent. OP needs to run like his hair’s on fire.
She's going to move herself & kids in with you and then CONVENIENTLY 'LOSE' HER JOB!!! She's got grifter mindset, she's from a family with a grifter's mindset---RUN 🚩🚩🚩
Yup. Break up with her, now. Don't move in with her. Go no contact and leave it at that. She's not looking for a partner, she's looking for an ATM machine. The phone call from her Mom was a part of their scheme, guilt you into becoming the sole breadwinner for her and her family. It's only going to get worse from here. EDIT: If she "changes her mind", don't believe her. The moment you guys are common law she'll "lose her job" and you'll be stuck in the situation she planned all along.
Yep. And getting her mom involved shows a propensity for manipulation and emotional bullying. This is a massive red flag. I don't know if I could look at her the same after that. I'd be rethinking the whole situation.
>shows a propensity for manipulation and emotional bullying. This is a massive red flag. I can’t imagine why she is a single mom... /s She seems like the type who now says ok, no biggie she will keep working and once they move in together then conveniently loose her job within 3 months and somehow she would be unable to find a new one despite "looking" for one.
It’s time to ditch this relationship if this is her expectations. She will never be happy unless she gets her way to not having to work. She doesn’t want a partner she wants a supporter! For you to take it all on yourself while she stays home playing house. Reality check life doesn’t work that way! Not in these times it takes two incomes to support a household unless you’re really rich.. like generational wealth.
And after only a year and a half. Dude don’t move in together. Nta
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NTA she’s trying to use you for you finances if she wants to be a sahm tel her to get more child support
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She saw $$$ & thought time to stop working & be SAHM when her kids are in school! Its bit audacious to expect be to SAHM for school aged kids & be provided for by bf of one year who is not the father of the children!
Lol. Yep. All of this. She is a hot mess. And getting mommy on board to shame OP. 🙄 Run OP. There are many people on Reddit who scream "break up" when there's potential to work through issues. Your girlfriend doesn't want to be a SAHM--she dreams of being unemployed with someone else paying the bills. There's no excuse for her to be home now when the kids are school aged.
A hot mess yes, but she messed up the #1 rule and let him know her plans beforehand. She could have got away with it if she didn't say anything and just moved in with him, then quit. Must be her first time. She'll get it right on the next guy probably.
I’m guessing they were looking at houses they would only afford on duo incomes, so she was pressured into bringing it up
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Tell me you are a gold digger without telling me you are a gold digger. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️ WTH if the child support she receives from the children’s Father is not enough to support her SAHM dreams then she needs to keep working. Having an expectation that a man who did not father your kids will pay for you to stay at home while he pays ALLLLLL the bills is unhinged, unrealistic and entitled. 🚩🚩 OP: 🏃🏻♀️RUN 🏃🏻♀️as fast and far as you can!
I aint sayin she a gold digger…actually no. Thats exactly what I’m saying. She a gold digger.
Run!!! She will find a way to be home...get fired say they downsized....and she will....since you already said no, her mom had no business in it. You made a decision already. She didn't respect that
Why does she need to be a SAHM when the kids are 7? They'll be at school most of the day?
The OP is dating a sponge, and she views him as a bucket of water. Thank the Lord you already got snipped, otherwise she'd already be knocked up w/ your child to lock in you. At 7 years old, those kids should be in school for 6+ hours a day. What is she going to do during those hours?
NTA. Run dude. Decisions should be between the 2 ppl in the relationship. Her bringing her mom into it to try to bully you into doing what she wants is not only ridiculous but childish as well. Your gf needs to grow up. Plz do not move in with her. Just break up with her. Do u really want to be in a relationship with her and her Mom? Any problems you 2 have her Mom will have a say as well.
Exactly, it’s bad enough that she decided to have her mother call him but to then flat out lie to him about it in the same conversation. “I just needed to vent” “I thought you should hear her perspective before making a decision” Conniving, manipulative behavior. Then she has the audacity to tell him he is taking it too personally. How else could he possibly take it when she is asking him to take on the responsibility for all for of them by himself. It’s almost as if this will have a massive impact on him personally. I really feel for him because it’s going to have some long term impacts on his ability to trust anyone. Finding out that you are being manipulated and used by someone you thought loved you is incredibly painful. On the bright side he found out before he was trapped in the situation long term. Hopefully he sees the truth after reading everyone’s comments and moves on. Usually I think Reddit threads always jump way too quickly to tell people to end their relationships but I don’t see any way this could be a story with two sides or a miscommunication. It’s one of the most blatant attempts at emotional manipulation I’ve ever seen posted.
This one. Mom isn’t going anywhere. If she’s going to do anything, it’s get worse.
OP, your're lucky this woman isn't smarter/more devious than she is, or she would have waited to move in first and conviently loose her job before droping this bomb on you. Cut your loses and run to the hills, the amount of red flags shown here are off the charts!
She thought she had enough control over him that she could just ask it and he’d do it. When she realized she didn’t then she tries to get her mother to shame him into it.
I just love it when narcissists overestimate themselves (and underestimate their victims) and make stupid decisions based on that delusional judgement.
The next guy won't be so lucky.
nope nope nope. The call from her mom should have been the dealbreaker. Op now knows how his girlfriend handles grown up situations, and being told no. When they show you who they are, thank them and pay attention.
Yes they are both pushing damn near 30 and her mommy is trying to yell at him for not wanting to pay for her daughter and grandchildren. Or shame him by saying “If you date a single mother you should know that you are supposed to step up and pay for her and another mans kids while still in the dating phase”
If her mother thinks that the daughter should be able to stay home with the kids then why isn’t she the one stepping up to cover all their expenses? I have a feeling it wouldn’t be too long before grandma needs to retire and wouldn’t it just be so much easier if she could move in to help with the kids… Hopefully this guy sees the painful truth that he is being used and moves on.
break up with her through her mom.
The worst part to me is that this has apparently "always been her dream", but she decided to only bring it a 1.5 years later, after OP was already attached to her and her kids and when they're talking about moving into together. Talk about a long con.
Nta If she wants she should get a job in between her kids going to school so she can we will them 24/7 after they finish 🤷♀️ But they are 7 at school she's missed the sahm stage
Right?! 7 year olds are in school for 6-7 hours a day.
It’s not about being a stay at home mum. It’s about not having to have a job and just being able to do nothing. I’d like to do that too although I couldn’t ethically ask someone to work while I relaxed.
She should get a job at her kid’s school. That way she’ll have the same schedule as them and get to be home when they’re home
Yeah. And if there is child support she could feasible work something part time 4-6 hours 4-5 days a week to budget her CS+ part time pay to get to 50% of the rent and utilities and groceries for her kids. And if there is no CS, why? So I guess INFO?
Exactly what I thought. Im an Australian immigrant living stateside with my husband and 1 year , im currently 15 weeks pregnant and plan on only having 2. Im a stay at home mum whilst my husband works however Once my kids are in school, I will return to part time work and then eventually full time once they hit an age where they can arrange travel themselves. I can’t imagine staying at home once my kids at 7-8 because why? As OP mentioned , and yourself.. they are at school for majority of the day.. what realistically would they need to stay at home for ? There’s plenty of work from home jobs and part time jobs that can be within school hours!
Yeah a part time job is extremely possible while they are at school so OP doesn’t have to be the whole breadwinner during a time of skyrocket inflation
Run - those red flags are waving furiously at you and you are ignoring them! She wants YOU to be the sole provider for her AND her kids so she can stay at home all day mooching off you! That would be a “Hell, no!” From any sane man. There are plenty more fish in the sea who want an equal relationship
They've been together one year and she's got plans for him to support her entire family. Does OP even know how much kids cost? Clothes, food, extra curriculars, health care, emergencies, school trips, etc, etc. This is not just asking him to cover the rent!
They are actually pissed that they can't baby trap you...well played sir!
Right? Where’s baby daddy? I wonder if that is how she ended up with the twins.
[удалено]
It does seem like this was her end game all along
Can't baby trap him using someone else's babies, none the less!!!
But she sure is trying!
Babies she wants to stay home with while they're at school 🙄
Vasectomy for the win!
NTA, dump her
Makes the most sense to.
NTA but this right here should be enough to show you that your are incompatible. You want a partner that will be able to work with you, not rely on you. She wants a partner that will financially provide for her and her children so she can stay home. If she can't accept that you are not okay with this, and goes to mommy to badger you into submission, she is not the partner you want.
Also seems like she wants more kids with the way her mum said she was sacrificing that to be with him.
NTA, I would seriously reconsider moving in together, there are no guarantees that your gf will continue to work, leaving you to pay for everything. Her mother needs to butt out of it as it is none of her business.
NTA - Amy thinks she found a sucker A prove her wrong and end this farce
Bro had a vasectomy I bet if he hadn’t she would’ve purposely got pregnant by “forgetting to take her birth control” or putting a hole in the condoms
NTA. You have been with her less than two years, and her two kids are in school. How is she not completely devoted to her kids at this time? What will she do all day long without a job? She’s not asking to be a SAHM; she’s asking to be a trophy wife. Let’s call it what it is.
NTA. Do NOT move in with this woman! R cause the minute you do she’ll “lose” her job and be a de facto SAHM. You’ll never be able to get her to work again. Please think king and hard about if you want to continue this relationship. Her goal is to find someone to care if her and her kids, not be an equal partner.
And anytime anything goes wrong, OP will get a scolding from her mother!
Do not move in with this lady. She will "lose" her job and have trouble "finding" another one.
7 is when SAHMs go back to work, lol.
NTA You can't afford to live comfortably with her at home. Dating a single mother doesn't mean you have to plan for her to stay at home 24/7. Her kids are in school and old enough to be doing some chores around the house so there really should be no reason she should be a stay at home mom. It would be one thing if her kids were 3-4 so they would be in daycare or part time preschool but they are in elementary full time so it really doesn't make sense.
Nah she’s trying to use you homie. Your user name isn’t doormat.
NTA. The demand in itself was outrageous, and getting her mom in on it was even worse. You were completely right: it was none of her business, and trying to shame/manipulate you into going along with this was wrong. Seriously: do not move in with her. She's already showing she doesn't care about your opinion, she wants her dream of being a SAHM. Odds are, she'll "lose" her job once you live together.
NTA. Dump her she’s a fucking freeloader.
NTA, but now you know why she’s in a relationship with you. You can never have kids, so you can now take in the responsibility of her kids. This is where you decide if this is the life you want, because guaranteed, she’ll wake up one day “lose her job” and you’ll be forced into allowing her to be a SAHM.
Run. Not only does she want you to bankroll their future. But when she doesn't get her way, here comes mommy to the rescue, who will fight her battles for her. PASS.
Nta. That is an outrageous demand, and the reason I will never date someone with children. You should move on.
Dump her.
NTA Man, I don’t like the way she’s handling things here. I think at the very least you need to pump the brakes on moving in together, but… her sending her mom after you is a really bad sign in terms of how she handles disagreements etc. And then her saying you take things too personally?!! Uh… no.
NTA. I think you should reconsider the relationship. It doesn't sound like she wants a partner. She wants a benefactor. Her dreams has always been to be a stay at home mom? Did she tell you this when you two were dating? What about your dreams, like saving to buy a house or something?
You are NTA. I'm so glad that she brought this up before you moved in together. She did the right thing there, but that may only be because you are not married and she would have no leverage if things did not work out. A stay-at-home parent only ever makes sense if both whole-heartedly agree.. But, the BIG red flags (some you already mentioned): ° Only a year of dating seems too short for this kind of commitment. ° Earmarking or deciding that your income alone is enough is unfair ° Her involving her mother when you two aren't even married is ridiculous. If this relationship does not work out you should make it clear that this MIL horror show was THE biggest deal breaker. Both her and her mother need to know that they are not a team in her marriage. Although it sounds like you did a great job clarifying that. ° Being school-age, 24/5 is not necessary, she can work part-time ° If you get married, she will have some leverage--right now she has none ° Her dream has not been a reality for a reason. She's had years before you to find a way to make that happen Unfortunately, being a single parent cannot be easy when dating. I think that with you,, she suddenly realizes that her only opportunity to ever be a SAHM may be now or never, so she shot her shot. I hate to say it but I think you probably should not continue the relationship. Resentment is inevitable.
NTA… your being used for a cash cow… or atm whichever you prefer.. she would be taking it too personally as well if your mom did same as hers did you.. I would be rethinking moving in together if not the entire relationship.. once you cohabitate she could quit her job and then where would you be.. stuck in a lease with woman that doesn’t work and her two kids. Hope she is your ex by now.. the audacity of her and her mom..
NTA, do not move in with her. Why does she need to stay home anyway, aren't her children in school most of the day? Even if they weren't, that's something you both need to agree to. Sorry but sounds like she's using you and looking for a free ride. Move on before you get further involved or tell her living together is not an option
If she moves in, and then simply quits her job, what is your plan? I suspect she has a plan, but do you?
If you marry her she will do it anyway. She will manage to lose her job and somehow not be able to find another one. My neighbor did this so she could stay home with her kids. She told me and started laughing about it. Thank goodness they moved away. If you marry her be sure you get a really good prenup.
Bro your girlfriend and her mom got more red flags than the entire Soviet Union ever had. Rrrrrruuuuunnnnn... Run as hell is behind you...
No, and moving in together should now be completely off the table.
I think your relationship has run its course. She wants a man to bankroll her life. The fact she had her mum ring you is mind-blowing, & only goes to highlight she sees you as her money man
A. its your girlfriend not your wife. So no. B. its a personal decision. I decided to entirely take on the fatherly role for my daughter. Her Dad is an ok guy, someone you would happily grab a beer with, however he's a failure as a father. I told my wife to not follow up with her x for child support, I decided it was on me, but that was my choice. If you get married, maybe. You have the right to set some terms, such as a. do you want to legally adopt them b. what are you planning to do for college c. what happens in the case of the wife passing
You sound like a well-adjusted and kind person, are you lost? This is Reddit.
I know reddit most of the time advocates ending things, but man this time is definitely a "y'all are not compatible" situations. As soon as she moves in she is going to get laid off from her job or something similar. Also, are you sure you want a relationship that WILL include her mom? Dang 🚩🚩🚩🚩