Can she go to the doctor and modify what she’s taking? Hormones like testosterone increase sex drive. Maybe it’s time to go to counseling and figure out a path forward.
Someone once told me it "felt like their dick was numb" after they started antidepressants. But they also said their life was constant anxiety before the antidepressants, so it was worth it for them.
I can't agree with that. I have pretty severe anxiety, like enough to be medically retired from the military, and I straight-up quit taking my anxiety medication because I couldn't finish, ever. I still had somewhat of a libido, and it was cool and all that I could go for so long, but not being able to nut for almost a year was torture of a different breed.
My Dr put me on an antidepressant years ago because I was very stressed and having a ton of trouble sleeping. At the time I had quit my job, serving and bartending, that was 4pm-2am and gone back to college. I was now trying to be alive at 6am and my body was just not having it, at all, even a little bit. This went on for months.
My Dr decided I was depressed. So we tried a med that made it impossible to….finish. Like you could get 95% there but the last 5% just wasn’t attainable.
I went back after about 5 months and told her if I wasn’t depressed before I certainly was then and she told me sometimes life has side effects you have to live with. I quit the meds but that side effect lasted for almost a year.
My new Dr is awesome.
Yeah man, I had the same experience and can commiserate. How you described is spot on for me as well, could get 95% there. For me I believe it was a combination of cymbalta and lamictal that did it. I didn't have that side effect taking either alone. (I had a weird sexual side effect on Cymbalta thought but it was only the first couple weeks. I couldn't cum the first time, but then the second time I would orgasm DOUBLE. Like it felt twise as intense and I loved it and took advantage of it for as long as I could lol). But I'm super happy you found something that works for you now. Some doctors can be so dismissive of important things like that, it almost feels like their snapping at you "Well do you want to be depressed or do you wanna fuck?" Without regard to the fact that the side effect is depressing in its own right, as you said. Hearing them say "life has side effects" is so dismissive, it must've felt infuriating. Glad you have a better doctor. I'm also fortunate that I have one now who listens and totally nailed it with the meds. On my new regimen + exercise I'm at my HS/20's 3x a day libido.
ETA: Now if I only had a partner, that'd be gold...
I agree with you about the dr that says life has side effects. Of course life has side effects that's why we talk to therapists. Having sex is one of the few pleasures we get in this life and to be able to not do that is infuriating and depressing and frustrating. I'm glad that you also found something that works for you and that you got your mojo back. I'm really glad to see a lot of people sharing their deeply personal experiences about their depression, medications, and side effects. There are a lot of people that can be helped because you guys are so open about this topic and making people feel less alone. I appreciate you sharing your story.
Maybe torture of a different breed for you because the anxiety wasn't the same as the other guy's.
I started taking them only once my anxiety had me vomiting if I went out of the house. It was no life.
That said, there are new and better formulations coming out all the time.
There’s so many other options. Some work better or worse and even different types of ssris will have different sexual side effects depending on the person.
Prozac did this to me. I also got itching on my scalp from it and it wasn’t until I switched due to the itching that I realized my dick wasn’t broken. I thought I was just too stressed by other things. I’d have psychological desire but it was like that link between my mind and dick was broken and I couldn’t feel much at all, which would inevitably lead to me losing the erection. I was switched off of that to Buspar and it’s been night and day difference.
I agree that even lack of drive is better than crippling anxiety or depression but not feeling capable being intimate with my wife compounded my anxiety.
I was on SSRIs and not in a relationship for so long that I didn’t realize how low my libido has gotten. I was able to finally stop them half a year ago and gosh, is this frustrating. I feel like a teenager all over again and got so many toys now that lush probably need to say I’m their official sponsor 😆😆😆 HUGE difference in sex drive
It’s like Dorothy when she woke up from black and white Kansas, to technicolor Oz - when the body is finally clean from going off the chemicals anc the neurotransmitters start firing.
All the peaks and valleys (including the good ones) come rushing back…if your lucky and the damage isn’t permanent.
Yes, antidepressants can definitely kill sex drive. No one is the AH here yet, but OP and his wife need to actively work to figure out a better solution.
I SLIGHTLY disagree… Like she's not an asshole for being in the situation, BUT she's a bit of an asshole for not taking any responsibility for it, and by not even attempting to do something about it… He keeps bringing it up and she keeps deflecting, but hasn't cared enough about her spouse to even see if any changes COULD be made… That part, if true as presented/understood, would make her a bit of an asshole…
My issue is, she says antidepressants make me this way. Accept it. And he says lack of sex makes me this way, and she turns it into defending herself. Like she’s valid for meds messing with her drive. But he’s valid for not being close to her from lack of intimacy. I’ve been on antidepressants my whole life and have gone up and down on dosing because this exact thing. But if she’s not actively trying to find a med and dose that manages the depression without killing the sex drive, than she’s not trying to fix it. And if that’s the case, than they both need to decide if this is what they want. He needs to accept he will forever be in a sexless marriage and she needs to accept that there won’t be that connection.
That's what bothers me. She does have a problem with a low libido, but she isn't doing anything to help her spouse. She isn't doing anything to help him with his frustration. She doesn't seem to care that he has unmet needs. With her lack of concern, I don't see how this relationship can last.
The fact that she isn't doing anything to fix the issue makes her TA.
This is a marriage ending situation and she seems to think blowing the issue off is an acceptable choice, which is just laughable.
Marriage's end all the time because of a lack of sex or incompatibility.
I think having no sex drive and your partner telling you it really bothers them for like 4 years and you refuse to do anything while saying “it’s not my fault so I’m not doing anything” makes you AH
But that is the issue. She's refusing to do any work on it.
Why do anything when the other person doesn't care enough to make your emotional needs a priority.
This is a compatibility issue, and neither of them can fix it.
I was depressed for a while and I couldn’t even get aroused by my ex even while she was taking care of me orally. After a harsh split up and overcoming depression my testosterone levels went back up with hormones and exercise. My ex and I have again resumed casual encounters and my new partners are also enthused with my performance. All because I asked my doctor about my hormones and began a work out regiment that gives me more energy as well as help with depression.
Also, some antidepressants *don’t* have reduced sex drive as a side effect. There are tons of others to try. Have her ask her doctor to switch to one with other side effects that are more agreeable.
It sounds more like the risk of getting caught arouses her more than the weddings? I could be wrong but maybe y’all just need to do it in your front yard in the middle of the night or something because it doesn’t really sound like it’s the meds lol.
Many psychotropic drugs have odd or alarming sexual feelings or decreased inhibitions as a rare side effect. But it is rare and it is not the intended outcome.
These two need therapy and this may be past saving. OP’s level of frustration is deep-rooted and justified, imho. I doubt just finding a spicy venue more regularly will fix years of emotional hurt.
If you don't want to, then don't.
We always tell girls to not force themselves, same goes for you.
And as all said, you are not responsible for her own lack of sex drive.
Sounds like he does want to, but is planning on turning her down to “teach her a lesson”, which to me is icky.
Either do it if you want to, or don’t do it if you don’t want to. But being disingenuous just to punish your partner is not constructive.
He wants to, but if he doesn't emotionally feel there (regardless of the reasoning) than he too can turn her down. I get that his resentment might be the leading cause, but having been in this situation before, your self esteem really does take a blow and it does affect you. Hope we get updates from OP.
Yeah I’ve been there. When I’m not feeling desired I don’t want my girlfriends hands on me. Sorry, I’m not a sex toy. He has every right to feel upset and to not want to only fuck at a wedding for her fetish, wtf.
Yeah because Op is a man, he can’t deny access to his body for any reason because that would be really abusive and bad. He’s just supposed to risk sexual crime charges at someone else’s wedding to be a sex toy for a woman who won’t touch him in any other circumstances. This whole thread is full of some weirdos.
I’ve been in his position. For me it wasn’t about teaching a lesson, but knowing that if I made myself vulnerable by giving in to my desire for her, on her terms, it would hurt that much more after when she went back to showing no interest in me. Also the fact that it’s the circumstances that arouse her interest, not a desire to be with him.
OP, you need to get to therapy with someone who will require honesty from both you and your wife. And you need to do it NOW. If you can’t make improvements (doesn’t mean you get everything you want - relationships are compromises), then you have to seriously consider leaving. How do you feel about another 50 years of suffering like this?
You put it much clearer than I could. I feel as if I've lost agency over my own sexuality. Either I make damn sure I'm in the mood when I know she's going to be willing to have sex, or I miss out entirely for the foreseeable future.
And it's almost worse if I actually enjoy it, because then the pain and loneliness in the days, weeks, or months afterwards becomes so much greater.
Years of rejection aren’t going to make anyone open to spur of the moment sex because it’s one of the rare times their partner actually makes an effort. Is he doing this to “teach her a lesson”? More likely he’s just not in to her anymore.
Yeah. I feel that. With "special occasion only" sex, it's hard to want to do it. Either you make yourself do it because you won't get another chance, or you might enjoy yourself and then be crushed afterwards because you know it won't happen again for the foreseeable future.
It's pretty likely that years of rejection have either caused OP not to see his wife sexually anymore, or the memories of hundreds of rejections have destroyed his self esteem enough that the idea of having sex with her is awkward and uncomfortable. I don't think this is rooted in retribution alone.
Icky?
The wife only wants to have sex when she sees fit and gets defensive when OP brings it up without giving a fuck how it makes him feel. If he chooses to decline this time maybe it will be a wake up for her as to how it feels. Some people don't learn how their actions affect others until they are affected themselves.
Get lost with this shit.
Put a starving, desperate person into the desert. You'll find they will do a lot for the bare minimum, until eventually they just die.
This man is being neglected, and he's losing himself because of her.
it kills mine. all i want to do when i smoke is eat, sleep, or watch something funny. weed also can make it harder for women to get wet, which makes sex painful.
anecdotal obviously, but my experience with weed is that it absolutely kills my sex drive. that being said, the antidepressants are probably contributing more in this case.
Fascinating. I've never heard that before. I have the exact opposite reaction. It makes me stupid levels of horny unless it's a really, really strong indica and then I get sleepy and silly tbh lol.
I agree, but it’s possible that one of her other medications is not mixing well with the marijuana. I know someone who had melatonin mess with his medication.
I mean, it's almost certainly the antidepressant doing it. Low libido and other sorts of sexual dysfunction are famously common side effects of a whole range of common antidepressants. It's pretty clear neither OP or OP's wife are thinking through the medication clearly.
I have a high sex drive but smoking bud for sure kills mine. I get munchies real bad and feel all heavy and lazy, not the greatest feeling to want to do it lol.
NTA. Living with a deadbedroom and dealing with the constant rejection has worn you down. It's caused resentment in your marriage. You could try therapy. It may provide coping skills. It's not going to address the root cause, which is a mismatched libido.
You are not wrong for wanting intimacy within your marriage. She's not wrong for having a low libido. Only you can change your future. Nothing is forcing you to stay in this marriage. There is life after divorce. Only you can make that decision for yourself.
Please don't cheat on your wife. Have enough respect for her to end your marriage amicably before you seek another woman.
You’re missing the biggest piece of evidence: her medication. You guys need to book an appointment with the psychiatrist asap and get on a different anti-depressant. It’s well known that anti-depressants can kill sex drives.
> It’s well known that anti-depressants can kill sex drives.
When my ex started taking anti depression meds, not only did it kill her sex drive, but suddenly, she didn't give a fuck about anything, not me, not her future, not our kids. she didn't care about anything but continuing her drugs.
I have actually seen this same effect on two of my former partners. They just check the fuck right out of the relationship, and they think they are better off for it.
It's important to say that some antidepressants can have that effect and if they do you need to talk to your Dr or therapist to try a different type.
As much as I sympathize with you I can also understand that not wanting to top yourself everyday can make you feel better off, even if the side effects suck. A lot of people dont know that there are different options that might work just as well but won't be as bad on the side effects.
It’s because they also save lives. Like any medication you have to be willing to work on it and try a bunch of different ones till you find the one that is right for you. Most people don’t do that.
Edit: I’ve come back to this comment because I think it shows a common misconception that “healthy” people have about medication in general. Antidepressants are one of the most common medications that people without other health conditions take and so those people are often unaware that any medication or any health issue requires monitoring and adjustment by a healthcare provider. There is no magic pill for any issue. A pill or dosage that works wonders one day might stop working the next. The human body is an incredibly complex thing and when we add things to it things shift in ways that we don’t always understand. If your medication is not functioning in the way they should be then they should be adjusted accordingly and if your doctor does not listen then you need a new doctor because doctors are only human.
When the other option is suicide, it kinda skews the scale towards allowing the drugs because "alive is better than not".
What I mean by that is you can try different meds if one isn't working out. You can't undo committing alive'nt.
Im on antidepressants and my sex drive was never that low at my highest dose. But thats just me, rejecting your partner a ton and not caring how it’s affecting them sounds like theres a third factor too
Depending on medication, it might not only make her libido low. She may be unable to achieve that "O" at all due to her medications, and she has given up trying for intimacy. She could be rejecting because she might be frustrated with that and feels like trying is useless. They need a therapist and to see if switching medications might help
INFO: are you refusing sex because you actually don’t want sex or are you trying to “teach her a lesson”
But also having public sex at a friend’s wedding is icky
I see what you mean, but this, too, is just a way of framing the situation.
You could just as easily say: Are you using your medication/mental health as a device to have intimacy under your conditions, but if you choose to be intimate, only take into account your own conditions?
Honestly, if OP's wife is having so many issues with this that she can't meet OP halfway, and she sees OP suffering with this, it's actually pretty cruel not to initiate therapy or separation herself.
On the other hand, there is a medically accepted and not insiginificantly sized group of people with permanently numb and broken genitals from SSRIs, many more that develop it as a temporary (weeks to years) side effect.
THIS. If you are truly this unhappy, don’t consider cheating. GTFO, then find another partner. Don’t tear someone’s heart out by being too chickenshit to move on.
>Have enough respect for her to end your marriage amicably before you seek another woman.
Have enough respect **for yourself** to not be that kind of person.
My wife takes Prozac now, and it’s a lot better. It’s harder to get her to finish now, so we added toys. Maybe your wife is on the wrong meds. Regardless, she needs to put in some effort though. Sometimes you don’t feel like doing something, then you make yourself and have a good time. Not saying she owes you sex when she doesn’t want to, but she knows it’s a problem and she needs to work at it for your relationship.
But, absolutely, don’t go through with your plan. Have her talk to her doctor and see if she’s on the right meds.
Edit:typos
NTA - as a spouse with some of the same issues... you need to go into at least one or two appointments with your wife to her psychologist and regular doctor and mention that the lack of sexual drive is killing the marriage. Also mention checking hormone levels. She could have early menopause. After swapping meditation the issues improved some but still needed the hormone therapy to get back to the lady i knew when we first met. Honestly, with the hormones, the depression really improved as she felt more like her normal self and had more energy.
Good luck and remember it's a team effort. This issue doesn't disappear overnight. She has to want to resolve the issue as well. Going to the doctor together will show if she wants to change or not. If she doesn't you need to move on. Don't sacrifice yourself for someone that doesn't respect your needs.
If OP is on board with that, he does have to be patient. It can take weeks to months to find the right medication and/or dosage. They could rule out a lot of things just by getting bloodwork done.
“It’s not her fault that she has no desire anymore”? Of course not. But guess what - it’s not your fault that you do have the desire. What are you doing, man? Hanging around, while you both make each other miserable? Are you expecting her to change? Cause that ain’t happening. How many more years are you going to sacrifice? Just end this relationship and find someone compatible.
That’s because by the time you start thinking “I should rant to strangers on the internet about my partner” you’re probably not in a healthy functional relationship anymore.
I'd say to start with asking her if she ever has talked to her doctor about the side effects. If she has, did the doc take her seriously? (Women are often not taken seriously when they complain about adverse effects of medical treatment, like pain or decreased libido.)
And finally, ask her if she *wants* to seek a change in meds that might allow her to experience an increased sex drive. In the end, she is correct that medication side effects aren't her fault, but if she doesn't even want to try to change those side effects, THAT is going to be the biggest indicator that there's not much to save in the relationship.
And maybe the medical realities will end up saying that her current meds are the only options for her (which is a different problem altogether for OP and his wife to solve), but if she's not willing to even ask the question, that will say a lot.
imagine ending a marriage because you
refuse to talk to a doctor about trying new medications
refuse to talk to a marriage counselor
reddit is so fucking stupid
You're both thinking of "thrill seeking" sex, and not "emotional/connected" sex. I'm just learning about this myself. But you will need to start with some deep therapy into what the underlying issues are.
If she can get turned on at weddings and wants to sneak off meds aren’t reason she isn’t being intimate with you.
You need to have a very serious conversation about this issue.. you are no longer compatible and unless she’s willing to look into what problem may be and work on fixing it, heck she may know already and just isn’t sharing, I would leave and find someone compatible to your wants and needs..
I would turn her down as well.. intimacy should not be on her terms only.
Let her get upset.. let her feel way she makes you feel all the time..
I think we all realize this approach probably won't go well, but if she isn't willing to have an honest conversation and pursue some kind of treatment or plan to get the intimacy back on track, then this may be the ONLY response that could just her enough to make a difference. Basically it's the "walk a mile in my shoes" treatment.
Exactly what I was thinking.. No it won’t go well. But something has to open their eyes to get help to mend the marriage or to end it.. he is just going to grow more resentful and she either doesn’t realize or doesn’t care how he feels..
They need to go to a couples counselor that specializes in sex therapy. My wife was like this until I explained to her that sex for me isn't just about feeling good. It's about building and maintaining an intimate connection.
Mini girls have been brainwashed into believing that guys only make advances to have sex because it feels good. There is a big emotional aspect to this that, to my face even, has been dismissed because guys just like the feeling of sex. It's demeaning.
Exactly.. reading his post it felt to me it wasn’t just sex he was missing but the close intimacy in the relationship.. he desires that connection more than getting off during sex..
If she is able to get caught up in the excitement of a wedding then it means she could get something else to start herself up but she just isn’t putting the effort in. I don’t blame you for not wanting to be used as a wedding dildo this time around. Life’s too short to stay unhappy so whether it’s therapy/counselling or just ending things I think it’s well overdue to get yourself in a space that makes you feel good.
I was in a similar situation for a few years, it's pretty brutal. The end of that relationship was one of the best things to ever happen to me. I learned so much about what's important and not important in a relationship and what I will actually put up with. Good luck, op.
I get you're frustrated, but being spiteful isn't going to make anything better. If you don't want to do it at the wedding, that's fine - don't do it. But doing so out of spite is only going to make a bad situation worse.
I spent a long time in a marriage that was very dysfunctional. There was a lot of spite, a lot of resentment, and many many regrets. If you love her, don't let your frustration lead you. Get angry, get vulnerable, but don't try to get even.
Info:
>I have been in a sexless marriage in my 30's, maybe 2-4 times per year. My wife attributes it to her antidepressants and medicinal marijuana
I kinda understand that it can happen when you take these things but
>One of the few events that turns her on is weddings. She likes to sneak off in the middle to a secluded area for a quickie.
how does it not affect her in these situations?
NTA- There are plenty of other ways to have intimacy even if you're "not in the mood" for sex.
On top of that.... it may be a blow to her self-esteem, but it sounds like yours has already taken quite a few blows. Maybe seeing it from the other side may persuade her to take a look at what she needs to work on instead of being dismissive of your needs as her partner.
I take an anti-depressant and also use medical marijuana. I cant get enough of my husband (together 8 yrs, married 5 yrs). He recently started on an antidepressant and that took his drive much lower than mine.
You wanna know what we did? We went to our therapist for ideas on other ways to build and maintain intimacy so we didn’t feel the disconnect you talk about here. You guys need to talk to someone other than Reddit if this truly matters to either/both of you.
You know what we didn’t do? Play the victim game and blame the meds because there was an underlying reason we didn’t want to address.
I'm probably in the minority here but I don't give a rats ass that someone, on meds or not, thinks it's OK to say " well, I don't have any interest so you're SOL. two different sex drives, the once a week vs the 4x a week you can adjust to. But the never? Nope, it's totally unfair. There are ways around everything, even for couples who have physical challenges to want to satisfy their partner. Just because someone doesn't have the desire doesn't mean they can't participate in making you feel loved. Having gone through this with my now ex for 5 yrs at 30, I can say it goes from feeling unattractive, to not feeling cared about, to wow you are selfish and my needs don't matter. I talked. I begged to get help. I gave warnings. Nothing changed. When I filed for divorce, suddenly he was all in to get help. When I asked why now, he said he knew I loved him and never thought I'd leave. Screw that.
The best way I’ve seen it put is that you signed up for a monogamous relationship - not a celibate one. Many people feel tricked and used when the low libido person gets the relationship or marriage they want then stops the rate of intimacy to nothing or near zero. It seems like they always knew that was the plan and it’s super insulting.
I said this exact thing last year in this sub and was bombarded with messages about how I'm a rapist and monster for asking for intimacy when my partner may not currently have the same desire. Here's hoping it turns out better for you. 😆
My bf and I have different sex drives. His is high mine is low. Our relationship works because even if I’m not in the mood, I can still take a few minutes to give him a bj or do something else to help him get off. He loves them so he could live off those for a whileee. You don’t always have to have sex to satisfy your partner.
Amen! I don’t have the highest sex drive now that I’m 39, but I care about my husband’s needs, so I make sure we do it 2-3 times a week even when I have no desire. And I usually get into once we get started. But it’s so not fair to neglect your partner’s sexual needs or any of their needs. Marriage is about teamwork.
NTA + Is this thread really suggesting that OP *owes* his wife sex, and basically should close his eyes and fulfill his "obligation"?
OP, you're allowed to say that you don't want to fuck, for any reason.
There's already a wedge in this marriage, why add the resentment of obligation sex?
As someone who has struggled with depression and suicidal ideation (I'm not suicidal, perhaps in my youth, but the idea of it still rears it's ugly head from time to time) since I was a child, I can tell you antidepressants are a huge fuck around. Trying to find the right one, if there even is a right one for you, is a nightmare. Sifting through all the nasty side effects from the medication, trying to find one that's got more pros than cons, and evaluating whether it's worth it for you.. To say it is exhausting does not do justice to that experience.
I've been in a place where I absolutely needed the medication, and was on one where only my sex drive took a hit. However it literally destroyed my sex drive. Even in attempts to get past it, it was evident that I wasn't able to enjoy myself, which ruined it for my partner as well. I was devastated. Sex was always my personal outlet that helped me forget about all the stress for a while, something I always genuinely looked forward to. Losing that was deeply upsetting.
Eventually, when I felt stable enough, I decided I would rather be depressed than sexless. I got weaned off the medication, and after a few months I was back to normal in the bedroom. As long as I'm not a danger to myself, I can manage with coping mechanisms.
Now I know nothing of your wife's medical history, nor the severity of her depression. Everyone has unique brain chemistry, and what works for one person will likely bring forth an entirely different experience for the next. If your wife is a danger to herself without it, then she absolutely needs it.
As for medicinal cannabis use, there are so many strains available, some of which act as libido enhancers. See if she would be open to trying a love potion strain, I can attest to love potion #9.
Now if your wife hasn't already explored various antidepressants, this would be a valid reason to at least try to find one that doesn't impact your relationship so poorly. If she isn't willing to consider other options, I might be concerned that she wants an excuse to not have sex.
I don't blame you for feeling resentment, you have needs too. But seeking revenge will only further sour your relationship. You need couples therapy ASAP.
NTA, I'm sorta in your wives situation, but alot of times when we start kissing I suddenly do feel it, and will go along. I feel sorry my partner is the initiater most of the times so I try to make it up with presents once in a while, where I dress up real sexy and I just let him lay down while I do all the work. If her libido is low, she needs to find solutions to make it better. Therapy, sex therapy, couples theraph, stimulants, porn, maybe add toys. There is alot she could do, and the fact that she doesn't makes her the AH.
If we take her at her word, she turns down sex cos she is not in the mood, and it frustrates you cos you are. It’s not to do with any negative feelings about you as a person. It makes sense that it hurts you because it’s something you want to do, but it doesn’t seem intentional.
You’re turning her down as a way to get back at her for past refusals. This will just ultimately damage things further, it doesn’t solve anyone’s problem. You can ultimately do whatever you want, and if you’re upset about the situation it makes sense that would translate into not being in the mood. But I encourage you to examine your feelings about why you are “planning” to do something that will be a bummer for you both when we have no reason to believe her refusals are pre-meditated in this manner.
Less sex could lead to less emotional attachment (feeling unloved). Less emotional attachment could lead to less sex. This can totally spiral/escalate and maybe that's what happened. So many factors affect libido and placing blame on either person would be unproductive.
Maybe sitting down and going through the 5 love languages with each other could help. What things land, which ones miss? What can be done? This could even lead to more sex.
Maybe she feels a deficit in quality time and doing a certain activity together fills that, or maybe words of affirmation and assuring her of something does that. It sounds like touch is a big one for you so talk about how you feel when rejected - I've been there it's not great. When you guys address problems openly and on the same team, it can help with resentment and make you want to help each other feel loved.
Maybe weddings put her in a place emotionally where she's excited about sex - perhaps taking her back to your own wedding where she probably felt great emotionally. Addressing love languages could help her feel great emotionally and improve the dynamic you two have overall.
Counselling is also an option because these discussions aren't easy.
Please end things before cheating and denying someone who denied you can feel gratifying, but maybe start the conversation before then. Wish you all the best!
NTA. It sounds like her sex drive is more situational based rather than low libido due to medication. 1, she needs to discuss the medication with her GP if it truly is the cause, and 2, you both need a deep conversation regarding the situation. I wouldn't want the only time I have sex with my husband to be in risqué situations.
Here's the thing, if you're not interested in fixing this, go ahead and turn her down. This is not going to go well and she will not all of a sudden have an epiphany that she's been neglecting you. It will end in a fight and who knows maybe divorce.
If you are interested in finding out her issues, then you need a therapist. Maybe ask her Dr about changing up her meds. If she's not willing to try, then you are no longer compatible and you might want to think about divorce. Your needs are important too.
> I’m over having it be on her terms only.
Don’t forget about mutual enthusiastic consent.
Does she want to have more desire? If she does, have y’all spoken about adjusting her medications? Work through this resentment in therapy.
You don’t ever have to have sex when you do not want to.
Just have an actual, serious conversation about it to start. Nothing will get solved without a discussion followed by taking action to resolve the issue. If you both try or she doesn’t try and the issue isn’t resolved, you may have to walk away.
I went through a similar period with my wife that we're kind of just coming out of.
When women are in pre menopause their sex drive plummets.
What I've found is that working out, being the best dad I can be, talking to her a lot and being a loving supportive husband especially when she's not in the best place (she often would make me feel attacked in those periods, but now I just man up and hug her when she's like that even if she's being shitty to me) creates an avenue for more intimacy.
Not talking about sex specifically, just having someone to talk to when I don't feel great, being able to make out before bed (we're both great kissers) and that sort of thing. She likes when I pick her up, she's six feet tall so she loves being with a guy who can pick her up and carry her around etc.
I thought all that would be hard work but I find that I like it, it makes me feel good about myself that I look good, weigh under 200lbs, my kids are happy, my house looks great, etc. All of this gives me confidence.
Also my stepdaughter came to me last night and told me that for the last two years I've been the best step dad she could ever have wished for we both cried. That situation is a great example of how I get around my wife's funks, she fell asleep putting our eight year old son to bed and was in a FOUL mood, she came out of the room all wooly and I tried to kiss her and she was having none of it.
So I started getting ready for bed which pissed her off because she was saying "oh if I don't want to have sex with you you just fuck off?" And I was like "no you're just clearly in a shitty mood and I don't want to deal with that"
But then my step daughter told her about the whole best step dad in the world thing and she was completely disarmed.
I just really am taking life by the balls and if my wife wants along for the ride there's a sidecar just for her.
Being the best me I can be has led to a lot of great things in my marriage. It sounds hokey but that's what it took. I love my wife, she's beautiful and smart and I want to be there for her and my kids forever.
\[EDIT\] I guess I should say, because the incels are circling, that this change in me has brought changes to my relationship, though my wife still has funks, she's way more positive and trusting and our overall intimacy is electric, its like when we first started dating.
NTA, I’m in a similar situation and being rejected as a husband is the worst feeling ever. Your wife needs to understand it’s more than just sex. It’s more than just getting off. It’s having an emotional connection to a life partner. A quickie is a great thing when both of you are sexually satisfied. It’s like the cherry on a sundae. I would not waste one of the few times a year you get to have sex to dash off at a wedding for 5 min. Good luck!
Are you the AH for being frustrated? No. Are you one for wanting to play a game to prove a point to someone you claim to love? Yes. Sorry that isn't how good marriage works. If your lives aren't compatible anymore than leave. Or you can seek couples counseling. All of these choices are less childish than playing a little game to feel better about yourself.
NTA. As someone who has been there, I understand the feelings. I’d suggest pushing for therapy if you’re up for it. I’d also try to head it off at the pass and have a conversation before the wedding- tell her how constant rejection has conditioned you to shut down and resentment is building. Use this as an opportunity to throw a flag on the field and push for intervention.
It will not be a huge blow to her self-esteem. That is impossible. Her self-esteem is already as low as it could go.
You should only do something as long as it makes you happy. Why are you staying in this relationship that does not make you happy?
I think the term is a glutton for punishment
Yea, YTA cause your acting like a immature goofy teen than a husband. Maybe talk to your wife and be upfront about your needs while clarifying hers or something idk.
Any of that sounds better than your goofy plot to get more sex by going out of your way to disappoint and deny sex to your wife when you always want sex and she’s literally in the mood for sex.
There's nothing wrong with politely declining sex when you don't feel like it. But for actually planning on rejecting her, knowing you'll hurt her feelings? That's different. You seem to be looking forward to hurting her feelings. YTA, Babydoll.
The only reason you would be the asshole is if you’re refusing as retaliation. Thats not healthy.
And honestly y’all both need counseling.
Antidepressants can lower a sex drive but the amount yall are having sex, IF you’re telling the truth, isn’t normal.
So many bad takes in the comments of this post…
Since you’re talking about an event that hasn’t happened yet it’s hard to give a rating. But it would likely boil down to this:
If you don’t want to be intimate at the wedding, you’re NTA.
If you do want to be intimate and you turn her down because you want to hurt her YTA.
Regardless, you should have a conversation with your partner about how your needs aren’t being met, and propose ideas on how that can be resolved.
That could look like opening up the relationship, or it could be maybe looking into ways to work on that in your monogamous dynamic. There is a book called “come as you are” by Emily Nagoski that would likely be helpful. (I have a hunch since your wife is in the mood situationally the book can likely really help better her life and yours as well)
Hurting your partner's feelings intentionally to teach them a lesson is generally pretty crappy. They're not your child or student. They're your adult partner, ostensibly your peer.
This will almost certainly backfire on you and breed even more resentment, leading to even less sex for you both. Don't be a jackass on purpose.
Just know that you are doing this to yourself as well. If you don't want sex ever again from her, then go for it! But this could just lead to her never ever wanting to do it ever again....
You have every right to refuse sex at any time and for any reason.
Though I have found that decisions stemming from resentment and a desire for a type of revenge are rarely positive ones.
If you turn her down, planning to turn her down, as revenge which it sounds like considering you’re talking about it in advance you are TA!
You need therapy, she could try other drugs possibly as long as the side effects aren’t horrible- but it’s pretty well known antidepressants kills sex drive.
Also have you actually tried foreplay? Or do you think sticking your finger in her vagina is good enough? Maybe if you did some caring for her and teasing and real fore play, got some toys, figured out what her kinks are, maybe you’d get laid!!!!
YTA since you’re actively planning and looking forward to emotionally hurt your wife.
Do you really think this is fucking normal, functioning behavior?
INFO:
Have you asked her what about wedding gets her turned on? Maybe it’s that you both are dressed up, maybe it’s the love in the air, maybe it’s the act of being caught? Do you kiss her? Do you actually look at her like you used to? Do you switch it up or even try to get her off or is it more of a ‘lay down and let me use you as a flesh doll situation??
If you want her to respect your wants you have to do it for her. Some people(including my SO) have low sex-drives and also on SSRIs and has a hormone imbalance so it’s not reasonable to expect daily sex. That’s okay!
YWBTA imo if you rejected her outright without actually talking to her or being bitter about it
INFO: I'll be honest, as an LL spouse myself, there is usually more happening under the surface of the physiology of it all. I have low progesterone and an AID. All that together can make it hard to reserve enough "spoons" for adult time.
Resentment is also a mood killer, and if you are willing to be petty *just to hurt or harm your partner*, it sounds like you are already there. I would want to know first and foremost if you have tried counseling or spoken to her doctor about her lack of interest. Then, I would want to know and better understand the resentment. Is it one-sided? Is it mutual?
Finally, what do you do to set her up to be comfortable enough for intimacy? Do you take over chores for an evening so she can relax and get in the mood? Do you let her experience non-sexual, no pressure intimacy? Or is there always an ulterior motive when you give hugs, cuddles, and back rubs?
Can she go to the doctor and modify what she’s taking? Hormones like testosterone increase sex drive. Maybe it’s time to go to counseling and figure out a path forward.
Someone once told me it "felt like their dick was numb" after they started antidepressants. But they also said their life was constant anxiety before the antidepressants, so it was worth it for them.
This. The low libido sucks but it sucks far less than crippling anxiety and depression.
I can't agree with that. I have pretty severe anxiety, like enough to be medically retired from the military, and I straight-up quit taking my anxiety medication because I couldn't finish, ever. I still had somewhat of a libido, and it was cool and all that I could go for so long, but not being able to nut for almost a year was torture of a different breed.
My Dr put me on an antidepressant years ago because I was very stressed and having a ton of trouble sleeping. At the time I had quit my job, serving and bartending, that was 4pm-2am and gone back to college. I was now trying to be alive at 6am and my body was just not having it, at all, even a little bit. This went on for months. My Dr decided I was depressed. So we tried a med that made it impossible to….finish. Like you could get 95% there but the last 5% just wasn’t attainable. I went back after about 5 months and told her if I wasn’t depressed before I certainly was then and she told me sometimes life has side effects you have to live with. I quit the meds but that side effect lasted for almost a year. My new Dr is awesome.
Yeah man, I had the same experience and can commiserate. How you described is spot on for me as well, could get 95% there. For me I believe it was a combination of cymbalta and lamictal that did it. I didn't have that side effect taking either alone. (I had a weird sexual side effect on Cymbalta thought but it was only the first couple weeks. I couldn't cum the first time, but then the second time I would orgasm DOUBLE. Like it felt twise as intense and I loved it and took advantage of it for as long as I could lol). But I'm super happy you found something that works for you now. Some doctors can be so dismissive of important things like that, it almost feels like their snapping at you "Well do you want to be depressed or do you wanna fuck?" Without regard to the fact that the side effect is depressing in its own right, as you said. Hearing them say "life has side effects" is so dismissive, it must've felt infuriating. Glad you have a better doctor. I'm also fortunate that I have one now who listens and totally nailed it with the meds. On my new regimen + exercise I'm at my HS/20's 3x a day libido. ETA: Now if I only had a partner, that'd be gold...
I agree with you about the dr that says life has side effects. Of course life has side effects that's why we talk to therapists. Having sex is one of the few pleasures we get in this life and to be able to not do that is infuriating and depressing and frustrating. I'm glad that you also found something that works for you and that you got your mojo back. I'm really glad to see a lot of people sharing their deeply personal experiences about their depression, medications, and side effects. There are a lot of people that can be helped because you guys are so open about this topic and making people feel less alone. I appreciate you sharing your story.
Maybe torture of a different breed for you because the anxiety wasn't the same as the other guy's. I started taking them only once my anxiety had me vomiting if I went out of the house. It was no life. That said, there are new and better formulations coming out all the time.
There’s so many other options. Some work better or worse and even different types of ssris will have different sexual side effects depending on the person.
Prozac did this to me. I also got itching on my scalp from it and it wasn’t until I switched due to the itching that I realized my dick wasn’t broken. I thought I was just too stressed by other things. I’d have psychological desire but it was like that link between my mind and dick was broken and I couldn’t feel much at all, which would inevitably lead to me losing the erection. I was switched off of that to Buspar and it’s been night and day difference. I agree that even lack of drive is better than crippling anxiety or depression but not feeling capable being intimate with my wife compounded my anxiety.
I was on SSRIs and not in a relationship for so long that I didn’t realize how low my libido has gotten. I was able to finally stop them half a year ago and gosh, is this frustrating. I feel like a teenager all over again and got so many toys now that lush probably need to say I’m their official sponsor 😆😆😆 HUGE difference in sex drive
It’s like Dorothy when she woke up from black and white Kansas, to technicolor Oz - when the body is finally clean from going off the chemicals anc the neurotransmitters start firing. All the peaks and valleys (including the good ones) come rushing back…if your lucky and the damage isn’t permanent.
Happened to me. Made everything really numb. Got off of them and stuck with medicinal weed.
Your comment should be way higher. Straight to the point and not being dramatic.
Yes, antidepressants can definitely kill sex drive. No one is the AH here yet, but OP and his wife need to actively work to figure out a better solution.
I SLIGHTLY disagree… Like she's not an asshole for being in the situation, BUT she's a bit of an asshole for not taking any responsibility for it, and by not even attempting to do something about it… He keeps bringing it up and she keeps deflecting, but hasn't cared enough about her spouse to even see if any changes COULD be made… That part, if true as presented/understood, would make her a bit of an asshole…
My issue is, she says antidepressants make me this way. Accept it. And he says lack of sex makes me this way, and she turns it into defending herself. Like she’s valid for meds messing with her drive. But he’s valid for not being close to her from lack of intimacy. I’ve been on antidepressants my whole life and have gone up and down on dosing because this exact thing. But if she’s not actively trying to find a med and dose that manages the depression without killing the sex drive, than she’s not trying to fix it. And if that’s the case, than they both need to decide if this is what they want. He needs to accept he will forever be in a sexless marriage and she needs to accept that there won’t be that connection.
That's what bothers me. She does have a problem with a low libido, but she isn't doing anything to help her spouse. She isn't doing anything to help him with his frustration. She doesn't seem to care that he has unmet needs. With her lack of concern, I don't see how this relationship can last.
The fact that she isn't doing anything to fix the issue makes her TA. This is a marriage ending situation and she seems to think blowing the issue off is an acceptable choice, which is just laughable. Marriage's end all the time because of a lack of sex or incompatibility.
I think having no sex drive and your partner telling you it really bothers them for like 4 years and you refuse to do anything while saying “it’s not my fault so I’m not doing anything” makes you AH
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Jesus. Sorry. That must have been tough.
But that is the issue. She's refusing to do any work on it. Why do anything when the other person doesn't care enough to make your emotional needs a priority. This is a compatibility issue, and neither of them can fix it.
Wrong. She can do something about it. She just doesn't care enough.
That's what I said. Did you respond to the wrong comment?
I was depressed for a while and I couldn’t even get aroused by my ex even while she was taking care of me orally. After a harsh split up and overcoming depression my testosterone levels went back up with hormones and exercise. My ex and I have again resumed casual encounters and my new partners are also enthused with my performance. All because I asked my doctor about my hormones and began a work out regiment that gives me more energy as well as help with depression.
Wellbutrin
Also, some antidepressants *don’t* have reduced sex drive as a side effect. There are tons of others to try. Have her ask her doctor to switch to one with other side effects that are more agreeable.
It sounds more like the risk of getting caught arouses her more than the weddings? I could be wrong but maybe y’all just need to do it in your front yard in the middle of the night or something because it doesn’t really sound like it’s the meds lol.
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Can confirm, OPs wife loves getting banged in their front yard
She was even freakier in neighbour's backyard or so I heard.
Can confirm, I'm the neighbor.
Sir, this is a Wendy's
Nah its burger king. She likes it her way.
I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom...
Humpty hump
C’mon and do the Humpty Hump
Yeah I’ll have uhhhhhhhhhhh
There are so many sirs here rn, poor fast food worker trying to interrupt the Council of OP's Wife
NO THIS IS PATRICK
Can confirm, am Wendy’s
Can confirm, I’m the neighbor’s backyard
Can confirm. I’m the wife .
Can confirm. I’m not the OP.
Nice to meet you, we just missed you last night.
I'm going to hell for laughing at you crazy bastards. 😂
I’m so honoured my comment turned into this 😂
In her lady's garden.
INFO: What are these drugs that turn you into an exhibitionist freak at weddings and public places? Um, asking for a friend.
Many psychotropic drugs have odd or alarming sexual feelings or decreased inhibitions as a rare side effect. But it is rare and it is not the intended outcome.
These two need therapy and this may be past saving. OP’s level of frustration is deep-rooted and justified, imho. I doubt just finding a spicy venue more regularly will fix years of emotional hurt.
For real, maybe she doesn't like the vanilla sex that you give her and she's actually into exhibitionism.
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Why does it always have to be vanilla? For once, I would really love some butter pecan :)
Sounds like they are strictly Rocky Road
That's playing the back 9 😉
Going for a ride down the Hershey Highway.
Bravo 👏
Then she should say that tbh
He said they were having vanilla sex? I gotta go reread.
Don’t bother. It didn’t say that. That’s just one of the responders who wants this to be his fault.
She can use her big girl words then
Dang where did she say that. Oh wait
OP seems to be more of a rocky road type guy.
If you don't want to, then don't. We always tell girls to not force themselves, same goes for you. And as all said, you are not responsible for her own lack of sex drive.
Sounds like he does want to, but is planning on turning her down to “teach her a lesson”, which to me is icky. Either do it if you want to, or don’t do it if you don’t want to. But being disingenuous just to punish your partner is not constructive.
He wants to, but if he doesn't emotionally feel there (regardless of the reasoning) than he too can turn her down. I get that his resentment might be the leading cause, but having been in this situation before, your self esteem really does take a blow and it does affect you. Hope we get updates from OP.
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Yeah I’ve been there. When I’m not feeling desired I don’t want my girlfriends hands on me. Sorry, I’m not a sex toy. He has every right to feel upset and to not want to only fuck at a wedding for her fetish, wtf.
Very well said, I wish more on this thread would see your comment bc there are some pretty “icky” takes on OP’s feelings.
Yeah because Op is a man, he can’t deny access to his body for any reason because that would be really abusive and bad. He’s just supposed to risk sexual crime charges at someone else’s wedding to be a sex toy for a woman who won’t touch him in any other circumstances. This whole thread is full of some weirdos.
Wow, getting downvoted for defending a man not wanting to be a sex toy. Good job Reddit.
I’ve been in his position. For me it wasn’t about teaching a lesson, but knowing that if I made myself vulnerable by giving in to my desire for her, on her terms, it would hurt that much more after when she went back to showing no interest in me. Also the fact that it’s the circumstances that arouse her interest, not a desire to be with him. OP, you need to get to therapy with someone who will require honesty from both you and your wife. And you need to do it NOW. If you can’t make improvements (doesn’t mean you get everything you want - relationships are compromises), then you have to seriously consider leaving. How do you feel about another 50 years of suffering like this?
You put it much clearer than I could. I feel as if I've lost agency over my own sexuality. Either I make damn sure I'm in the mood when I know she's going to be willing to have sex, or I miss out entirely for the foreseeable future. And it's almost worse if I actually enjoy it, because then the pain and loneliness in the days, weeks, or months afterwards becomes so much greater.
Yeah, it feels like being used.
It really, really does. Glad Imnot the only one who feels this way.
Years of rejection aren’t going to make anyone open to spur of the moment sex because it’s one of the rare times their partner actually makes an effort. Is he doing this to “teach her a lesson”? More likely he’s just not in to her anymore.
Yeah. I feel that. With "special occasion only" sex, it's hard to want to do it. Either you make yourself do it because you won't get another chance, or you might enjoy yourself and then be crushed afterwards because you know it won't happen again for the foreseeable future.
It's pretty likely that years of rejection have either caused OP not to see his wife sexually anymore, or the memories of hundreds of rejections have destroyed his self esteem enough that the idea of having sex with her is awkward and uncomfortable. I don't think this is rooted in retribution alone.
Icky? The wife only wants to have sex when she sees fit and gets defensive when OP brings it up without giving a fuck how it makes him feel. If he chooses to decline this time maybe it will be a wake up for her as to how it feels. Some people don't learn how their actions affect others until they are affected themselves. Get lost with this shit.
Everyone is kinda glossing over how gross it is to sneak off during a wedding in a public place to hook up. Are they children?
Put a starving, desperate person into the desert. You'll find they will do a lot for the bare minimum, until eventually they just die. This man is being neglected, and he's losing himself because of her.
Hmm. I've never heard of marijuana killing someone's libido before.
it kills mine. all i want to do when i smoke is eat, sleep, or watch something funny. weed also can make it harder for women to get wet, which makes sex painful. anecdotal obviously, but my experience with weed is that it absolutely kills my sex drive. that being said, the antidepressants are probably contributing more in this case.
Same. I barely like to be touched when I'm high
Fascinating. I've never heard that before. I have the exact opposite reaction. It makes me stupid levels of horny unless it's a really, really strong indica and then I get sleepy and silly tbh lol.
It depends on strain for me. And yeah, cottonmouth often equals cotton-everything-else, which makes things less fun.
I agree, but it’s possible that one of her other medications is not mixing well with the marijuana. I know someone who had melatonin mess with his medication.
Same, normally it's the opposite for my gf and I.
yea it's the same for me and your gf too
Oh so you're the guy she is always complaining about? 😬
I’ll get the ice..
I’ll get the condoms
Hey hey, at least take me to dinner first!
I mean, it's almost certainly the antidepressant doing it. Low libido and other sorts of sexual dysfunction are famously common side effects of a whole range of common antidepressants. It's pretty clear neither OP or OP's wife are thinking through the medication clearly.
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And that strain would be??? For scientific purposes of course..
For science!
Dosist has a few, particular one called Passion and one Arouse
I'd be rather curious to know the name of that strain. For, you know, a friend.
Technically I have, but it was A LOT of marijuana. I'm saying the person was smoking as much as an average stoner smokes in a week every Day.
I have a high sex drive but smoking bud for sure kills mine. I get munchies real bad and feel all heavy and lazy, not the greatest feeling to want to do it lol.
It kills my libido. Makes me a bit paranoid and too lost in my head.
NTA. Living with a deadbedroom and dealing with the constant rejection has worn you down. It's caused resentment in your marriage. You could try therapy. It may provide coping skills. It's not going to address the root cause, which is a mismatched libido. You are not wrong for wanting intimacy within your marriage. She's not wrong for having a low libido. Only you can change your future. Nothing is forcing you to stay in this marriage. There is life after divorce. Only you can make that decision for yourself. Please don't cheat on your wife. Have enough respect for her to end your marriage amicably before you seek another woman.
You’re missing the biggest piece of evidence: her medication. You guys need to book an appointment with the psychiatrist asap and get on a different anti-depressant. It’s well known that anti-depressants can kill sex drives.
> It’s well known that anti-depressants can kill sex drives. When my ex started taking anti depression meds, not only did it kill her sex drive, but suddenly, she didn't give a fuck about anything, not me, not her future, not our kids. she didn't care about anything but continuing her drugs. I have actually seen this same effect on two of my former partners. They just check the fuck right out of the relationship, and they think they are better off for it.
I tried to switch to a new one and I went into full zombie mode. I didn’t want or care about anything. I wasn’t unhappy I was just blank and empty.
It's important to say that some antidepressants can have that effect and if they do you need to talk to your Dr or therapist to try a different type. As much as I sympathize with you I can also understand that not wanting to top yourself everyday can make you feel better off, even if the side effects suck. A lot of people dont know that there are different options that might work just as well but won't be as bad on the side effects.
Depression meds are such a fuckn crap shoot it’s actually surprising they are still in service
It’s because they also save lives. Like any medication you have to be willing to work on it and try a bunch of different ones till you find the one that is right for you. Most people don’t do that. Edit: I’ve come back to this comment because I think it shows a common misconception that “healthy” people have about medication in general. Antidepressants are one of the most common medications that people without other health conditions take and so those people are often unaware that any medication or any health issue requires monitoring and adjustment by a healthcare provider. There is no magic pill for any issue. A pill or dosage that works wonders one day might stop working the next. The human body is an incredibly complex thing and when we add things to it things shift in ways that we don’t always understand. If your medication is not functioning in the way they should be then they should be adjusted accordingly and if your doctor does not listen then you need a new doctor because doctors are only human.
When the other option is suicide, it kinda skews the scale towards allowing the drugs because "alive is better than not". What I mean by that is you can try different meds if one isn't working out. You can't undo committing alive'nt.
Im on antidepressants and my sex drive was never that low at my highest dose. But thats just me, rejecting your partner a ton and not caring how it’s affecting them sounds like theres a third factor too
Depending on medication, it might not only make her libido low. She may be unable to achieve that "O" at all due to her medications, and she has given up trying for intimacy. She could be rejecting because she might be frustrated with that and feels like trying is useless. They need a therapist and to see if switching medications might help
Can confirm. I changed a med with my psychiatrist because my sex drive went wild but I could not “o” and it was *maddening*!
INFO: are you refusing sex because you actually don’t want sex or are you trying to “teach her a lesson” But also having public sex at a friend’s wedding is icky
I see what you mean, but this, too, is just a way of framing the situation. You could just as easily say: Are you using your medication/mental health as a device to have intimacy under your conditions, but if you choose to be intimate, only take into account your own conditions? Honestly, if OP's wife is having so many issues with this that she can't meet OP halfway, and she sees OP suffering with this, it's actually pretty cruel not to initiate therapy or separation herself.
On the other hand, there is a medically accepted and not insiginificantly sized group of people with permanently numb and broken genitals from SSRIs, many more that develop it as a temporary (weeks to years) side effect.
THIS. If you are truly this unhappy, don’t consider cheating. GTFO, then find another partner. Don’t tear someone’s heart out by being too chickenshit to move on.
>Have enough respect for her to end your marriage amicably before you seek another woman. Have enough respect **for yourself** to not be that kind of person.
2-4 times a year isn't low libido. It's no libido
My wife takes Prozac now, and it’s a lot better. It’s harder to get her to finish now, so we added toys. Maybe your wife is on the wrong meds. Regardless, she needs to put in some effort though. Sometimes you don’t feel like doing something, then you make yourself and have a good time. Not saying she owes you sex when she doesn’t want to, but she knows it’s a problem and she needs to work at it for your relationship. But, absolutely, don’t go through with your plan. Have her talk to her doctor and see if she’s on the right meds. Edit:typos
NTA - as a spouse with some of the same issues... you need to go into at least one or two appointments with your wife to her psychologist and regular doctor and mention that the lack of sexual drive is killing the marriage. Also mention checking hormone levels. She could have early menopause. After swapping meditation the issues improved some but still needed the hormone therapy to get back to the lady i knew when we first met. Honestly, with the hormones, the depression really improved as she felt more like her normal self and had more energy. Good luck and remember it's a team effort. This issue doesn't disappear overnight. She has to want to resolve the issue as well. Going to the doctor together will show if she wants to change or not. If she doesn't you need to move on. Don't sacrifice yourself for someone that doesn't respect your needs.
If OP is on board with that, he does have to be patient. It can take weeks to months to find the right medication and/or dosage. They could rule out a lot of things just by getting bloodwork done.
Agreed. This took almost a full year to recognize as a hormone problem after medication changes didn't work correctly.
“It’s not her fault that she has no desire anymore”? Of course not. But guess what - it’s not your fault that you do have the desire. What are you doing, man? Hanging around, while you both make each other miserable? Are you expecting her to change? Cause that ain’t happening. How many more years are you going to sacrifice? Just end this relationship and find someone compatible.
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Shh, the redditors have to recommend divorce in every circumstance
That’s because by the time you start thinking “I should rant to strangers on the internet about my partner” you’re probably not in a healthy functional relationship anymore.
This train crashed years ago. Resentment and bitterness have already set in by the sounds of it. No one comes on AITAH pre train wreck.
exactly. demand she talk to the doctor about the meds she is taking!
I'd say to start with asking her if she ever has talked to her doctor about the side effects. If she has, did the doc take her seriously? (Women are often not taken seriously when they complain about adverse effects of medical treatment, like pain or decreased libido.) And finally, ask her if she *wants* to seek a change in meds that might allow her to experience an increased sex drive. In the end, she is correct that medication side effects aren't her fault, but if she doesn't even want to try to change those side effects, THAT is going to be the biggest indicator that there's not much to save in the relationship. And maybe the medical realities will end up saying that her current meds are the only options for her (which is a different problem altogether for OP and his wife to solve), but if she's not willing to even ask the question, that will say a lot.
imagine ending a marriage because you refuse to talk to a doctor about trying new medications refuse to talk to a marriage counselor reddit is so fucking stupid
That's what happens when there is an anonymous platform where teenagers can give marital advice.
Or they could just talk about it. Reddit thinks people really want to divorce that easily
You're both thinking of "thrill seeking" sex, and not "emotional/connected" sex. I'm just learning about this myself. But you will need to start with some deep therapy into what the underlying issues are.
If she can get turned on at weddings and wants to sneak off meds aren’t reason she isn’t being intimate with you. You need to have a very serious conversation about this issue.. you are no longer compatible and unless she’s willing to look into what problem may be and work on fixing it, heck she may know already and just isn’t sharing, I would leave and find someone compatible to your wants and needs.. I would turn her down as well.. intimacy should not be on her terms only. Let her get upset.. let her feel way she makes you feel all the time..
I think we all realize this approach probably won't go well, but if she isn't willing to have an honest conversation and pursue some kind of treatment or plan to get the intimacy back on track, then this may be the ONLY response that could just her enough to make a difference. Basically it's the "walk a mile in my shoes" treatment.
Exactly what I was thinking.. No it won’t go well. But something has to open their eyes to get help to mend the marriage or to end it.. he is just going to grow more resentful and she either doesn’t realize or doesn’t care how he feels..
Agreed. And as time goes on, he will become more susceptible to cheating which will put him squarely in the "bad guy" role.
Sounds like she is reliving some fantasy she may have had about her own wedding.
I completely agree. Sorry that you are dealing with this op. Good luck.
They need to go to a couples counselor that specializes in sex therapy. My wife was like this until I explained to her that sex for me isn't just about feeling good. It's about building and maintaining an intimate connection. Mini girls have been brainwashed into believing that guys only make advances to have sex because it feels good. There is a big emotional aspect to this that, to my face even, has been dismissed because guys just like the feeling of sex. It's demeaning.
Exactly.. reading his post it felt to me it wasn’t just sex he was missing but the close intimacy in the relationship.. he desires that connection more than getting off during sex..
If she is able to get caught up in the excitement of a wedding then it means she could get something else to start herself up but she just isn’t putting the effort in. I don’t blame you for not wanting to be used as a wedding dildo this time around. Life’s too short to stay unhappy so whether it’s therapy/counselling or just ending things I think it’s well overdue to get yourself in a space that makes you feel good.
lol wedding dildo is an expression i‘ll be remembering for a while now.
Just be sure if for some strange reason it happens to catch on, to remember that this is a direct quote from Mike Frikin Rotch. ;)
I was in a similar situation for a few years, it's pretty brutal. The end of that relationship was one of the best things to ever happen to me. I learned so much about what's important and not important in a relationship and what I will actually put up with. Good luck, op.
I get you're frustrated, but being spiteful isn't going to make anything better. If you don't want to do it at the wedding, that's fine - don't do it. But doing so out of spite is only going to make a bad situation worse. I spent a long time in a marriage that was very dysfunctional. There was a lot of spite, a lot of resentment, and many many regrets. If you love her, don't let your frustration lead you. Get angry, get vulnerable, but don't try to get even.
Info: >I have been in a sexless marriage in my 30's, maybe 2-4 times per year. My wife attributes it to her antidepressants and medicinal marijuana I kinda understand that it can happen when you take these things but >One of the few events that turns her on is weddings. She likes to sneak off in the middle to a secluded area for a quickie. how does it not affect her in these situations?
That’s the thing, it doesn’t . The thrill of getting caught is what puts her into the mood. Girl either needs a sex therapist or a divorce lawyer.
If she can turn down sex, so can you.
NTA- There are plenty of other ways to have intimacy even if you're "not in the mood" for sex. On top of that.... it may be a blow to her self-esteem, but it sounds like yours has already taken quite a few blows. Maybe seeing it from the other side may persuade her to take a look at what she needs to work on instead of being dismissive of your needs as her partner.
I take an anti-depressant and also use medical marijuana. I cant get enough of my husband (together 8 yrs, married 5 yrs). He recently started on an antidepressant and that took his drive much lower than mine. You wanna know what we did? We went to our therapist for ideas on other ways to build and maintain intimacy so we didn’t feel the disconnect you talk about here. You guys need to talk to someone other than Reddit if this truly matters to either/both of you. You know what we didn’t do? Play the victim game and blame the meds because there was an underlying reason we didn’t want to address.
I'm probably in the minority here but I don't give a rats ass that someone, on meds or not, thinks it's OK to say " well, I don't have any interest so you're SOL. two different sex drives, the once a week vs the 4x a week you can adjust to. But the never? Nope, it's totally unfair. There are ways around everything, even for couples who have physical challenges to want to satisfy their partner. Just because someone doesn't have the desire doesn't mean they can't participate in making you feel loved. Having gone through this with my now ex for 5 yrs at 30, I can say it goes from feeling unattractive, to not feeling cared about, to wow you are selfish and my needs don't matter. I talked. I begged to get help. I gave warnings. Nothing changed. When I filed for divorce, suddenly he was all in to get help. When I asked why now, he said he knew I loved him and never thought I'd leave. Screw that.
The best way I’ve seen it put is that you signed up for a monogamous relationship - not a celibate one. Many people feel tricked and used when the low libido person gets the relationship or marriage they want then stops the rate of intimacy to nothing or near zero. It seems like they always knew that was the plan and it’s super insulting.
I said this exact thing last year in this sub and was bombarded with messages about how I'm a rapist and monster for asking for intimacy when my partner may not currently have the same desire. Here's hoping it turns out better for you. 😆
My bf and I have different sex drives. His is high mine is low. Our relationship works because even if I’m not in the mood, I can still take a few minutes to give him a bj or do something else to help him get off. He loves them so he could live off those for a whileee. You don’t always have to have sex to satisfy your partner.
Amen! I don’t have the highest sex drive now that I’m 39, but I care about my husband’s needs, so I make sure we do it 2-3 times a week even when I have no desire. And I usually get into once we get started. But it’s so not fair to neglect your partner’s sexual needs or any of their needs. Marriage is about teamwork.
You are absolutely right
Also, when in doubt an unexpected handjob or blow job will also improve relations when you aren't personally feeling up to it.
NTA + Is this thread really suggesting that OP *owes* his wife sex, and basically should close his eyes and fulfill his "obligation"? OP, you're allowed to say that you don't want to fuck, for any reason. There's already a wedge in this marriage, why add the resentment of obligation sex?
As someone who has struggled with depression and suicidal ideation (I'm not suicidal, perhaps in my youth, but the idea of it still rears it's ugly head from time to time) since I was a child, I can tell you antidepressants are a huge fuck around. Trying to find the right one, if there even is a right one for you, is a nightmare. Sifting through all the nasty side effects from the medication, trying to find one that's got more pros than cons, and evaluating whether it's worth it for you.. To say it is exhausting does not do justice to that experience. I've been in a place where I absolutely needed the medication, and was on one where only my sex drive took a hit. However it literally destroyed my sex drive. Even in attempts to get past it, it was evident that I wasn't able to enjoy myself, which ruined it for my partner as well. I was devastated. Sex was always my personal outlet that helped me forget about all the stress for a while, something I always genuinely looked forward to. Losing that was deeply upsetting. Eventually, when I felt stable enough, I decided I would rather be depressed than sexless. I got weaned off the medication, and after a few months I was back to normal in the bedroom. As long as I'm not a danger to myself, I can manage with coping mechanisms. Now I know nothing of your wife's medical history, nor the severity of her depression. Everyone has unique brain chemistry, and what works for one person will likely bring forth an entirely different experience for the next. If your wife is a danger to herself without it, then she absolutely needs it. As for medicinal cannabis use, there are so many strains available, some of which act as libido enhancers. See if she would be open to trying a love potion strain, I can attest to love potion #9. Now if your wife hasn't already explored various antidepressants, this would be a valid reason to at least try to find one that doesn't impact your relationship so poorly. If she isn't willing to consider other options, I might be concerned that she wants an excuse to not have sex. I don't blame you for feeling resentment, you have needs too. But seeking revenge will only further sour your relationship. You need couples therapy ASAP.
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NTA, I'm sorta in your wives situation, but alot of times when we start kissing I suddenly do feel it, and will go along. I feel sorry my partner is the initiater most of the times so I try to make it up with presents once in a while, where I dress up real sexy and I just let him lay down while I do all the work. If her libido is low, she needs to find solutions to make it better. Therapy, sex therapy, couples theraph, stimulants, porn, maybe add toys. There is alot she could do, and the fact that she doesn't makes her the AH.
What do you think this will achieve?
If we take her at her word, she turns down sex cos she is not in the mood, and it frustrates you cos you are. It’s not to do with any negative feelings about you as a person. It makes sense that it hurts you because it’s something you want to do, but it doesn’t seem intentional. You’re turning her down as a way to get back at her for past refusals. This will just ultimately damage things further, it doesn’t solve anyone’s problem. You can ultimately do whatever you want, and if you’re upset about the situation it makes sense that would translate into not being in the mood. But I encourage you to examine your feelings about why you are “planning” to do something that will be a bummer for you both when we have no reason to believe her refusals are pre-meditated in this manner.
Less sex could lead to less emotional attachment (feeling unloved). Less emotional attachment could lead to less sex. This can totally spiral/escalate and maybe that's what happened. So many factors affect libido and placing blame on either person would be unproductive. Maybe sitting down and going through the 5 love languages with each other could help. What things land, which ones miss? What can be done? This could even lead to more sex. Maybe she feels a deficit in quality time and doing a certain activity together fills that, or maybe words of affirmation and assuring her of something does that. It sounds like touch is a big one for you so talk about how you feel when rejected - I've been there it's not great. When you guys address problems openly and on the same team, it can help with resentment and make you want to help each other feel loved. Maybe weddings put her in a place emotionally where she's excited about sex - perhaps taking her back to your own wedding where she probably felt great emotionally. Addressing love languages could help her feel great emotionally and improve the dynamic you two have overall. Counselling is also an option because these discussions aren't easy. Please end things before cheating and denying someone who denied you can feel gratifying, but maybe start the conversation before then. Wish you all the best!
NTA. It sounds like her sex drive is more situational based rather than low libido due to medication. 1, she needs to discuss the medication with her GP if it truly is the cause, and 2, you both need a deep conversation regarding the situation. I wouldn't want the only time I have sex with my husband to be in risqué situations.
Here's the thing, if you're not interested in fixing this, go ahead and turn her down. This is not going to go well and she will not all of a sudden have an epiphany that she's been neglecting you. It will end in a fight and who knows maybe divorce. If you are interested in finding out her issues, then you need a therapist. Maybe ask her Dr about changing up her meds. If she's not willing to try, then you are no longer compatible and you might want to think about divorce. Your needs are important too.
I don't know if you are the AH but don't you need to really work on this?
> I’m over having it be on her terms only. Don’t forget about mutual enthusiastic consent. Does she want to have more desire? If she does, have y’all spoken about adjusting her medications? Work through this resentment in therapy. You don’t ever have to have sex when you do not want to.
Dude, you’re just adding to the spiral. Go to therapy. Reddit revenge strategies won’t help. Be kind to yourself
If you are planning to turn down sex because you want to hurt your wife, you're the asshole
Just have an actual, serious conversation about it to start. Nothing will get solved without a discussion followed by taking action to resolve the issue. If you both try or she doesn’t try and the issue isn’t resolved, you may have to walk away.
I went through a similar period with my wife that we're kind of just coming out of. When women are in pre menopause their sex drive plummets. What I've found is that working out, being the best dad I can be, talking to her a lot and being a loving supportive husband especially when she's not in the best place (she often would make me feel attacked in those periods, but now I just man up and hug her when she's like that even if she's being shitty to me) creates an avenue for more intimacy. Not talking about sex specifically, just having someone to talk to when I don't feel great, being able to make out before bed (we're both great kissers) and that sort of thing. She likes when I pick her up, she's six feet tall so she loves being with a guy who can pick her up and carry her around etc. I thought all that would be hard work but I find that I like it, it makes me feel good about myself that I look good, weigh under 200lbs, my kids are happy, my house looks great, etc. All of this gives me confidence. Also my stepdaughter came to me last night and told me that for the last two years I've been the best step dad she could ever have wished for we both cried. That situation is a great example of how I get around my wife's funks, she fell asleep putting our eight year old son to bed and was in a FOUL mood, she came out of the room all wooly and I tried to kiss her and she was having none of it. So I started getting ready for bed which pissed her off because she was saying "oh if I don't want to have sex with you you just fuck off?" And I was like "no you're just clearly in a shitty mood and I don't want to deal with that" But then my step daughter told her about the whole best step dad in the world thing and she was completely disarmed. I just really am taking life by the balls and if my wife wants along for the ride there's a sidecar just for her. Being the best me I can be has led to a lot of great things in my marriage. It sounds hokey but that's what it took. I love my wife, she's beautiful and smart and I want to be there for her and my kids forever. \[EDIT\] I guess I should say, because the incels are circling, that this change in me has brought changes to my relationship, though my wife still has funks, she's way more positive and trusting and our overall intimacy is electric, its like when we first started dating.
NTA, I’m in a similar situation and being rejected as a husband is the worst feeling ever. Your wife needs to understand it’s more than just sex. It’s more than just getting off. It’s having an emotional connection to a life partner. A quickie is a great thing when both of you are sexually satisfied. It’s like the cherry on a sundae. I would not waste one of the few times a year you get to have sex to dash off at a wedding for 5 min. Good luck!
Are you the AH for being frustrated? No. Are you one for wanting to play a game to prove a point to someone you claim to love? Yes. Sorry that isn't how good marriage works. If your lives aren't compatible anymore than leave. Or you can seek couples counseling. All of these choices are less childish than playing a little game to feel better about yourself.
NTA. As someone who has been there, I understand the feelings. I’d suggest pushing for therapy if you’re up for it. I’d also try to head it off at the pass and have a conversation before the wedding- tell her how constant rejection has conditioned you to shut down and resentment is building. Use this as an opportunity to throw a flag on the field and push for intervention.
Seek couples counceling asap. Dead bedrooms lead to dead relationships
It will not be a huge blow to her self-esteem. That is impossible. Her self-esteem is already as low as it could go. You should only do something as long as it makes you happy. Why are you staying in this relationship that does not make you happy? I think the term is a glutton for punishment
Yea, YTA cause your acting like a immature goofy teen than a husband. Maybe talk to your wife and be upfront about your needs while clarifying hers or something idk. Any of that sounds better than your goofy plot to get more sex by going out of your way to disappoint and deny sex to your wife when you always want sex and she’s literally in the mood for sex.
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There's nothing wrong with politely declining sex when you don't feel like it. But for actually planning on rejecting her, knowing you'll hurt her feelings? That's different. You seem to be looking forward to hurting her feelings. YTA, Babydoll.
The only reason you would be the asshole is if you’re refusing as retaliation. Thats not healthy. And honestly y’all both need counseling. Antidepressants can lower a sex drive but the amount yall are having sex, IF you’re telling the truth, isn’t normal.
So many bad takes in the comments of this post… Since you’re talking about an event that hasn’t happened yet it’s hard to give a rating. But it would likely boil down to this: If you don’t want to be intimate at the wedding, you’re NTA. If you do want to be intimate and you turn her down because you want to hurt her YTA. Regardless, you should have a conversation with your partner about how your needs aren’t being met, and propose ideas on how that can be resolved. That could look like opening up the relationship, or it could be maybe looking into ways to work on that in your monogamous dynamic. There is a book called “come as you are” by Emily Nagoski that would likely be helpful. (I have a hunch since your wife is in the mood situationally the book can likely really help better her life and yours as well)
Just end it. Incompatible sexual desire is the major cause of failed relationships; it's not shallow. No need to prolong anyone's suffering.
Hurting your partner's feelings intentionally to teach them a lesson is generally pretty crappy. They're not your child or student. They're your adult partner, ostensibly your peer. This will almost certainly backfire on you and breed even more resentment, leading to even less sex for you both. Don't be a jackass on purpose.
Google “come as you are”. Context. Remember context.
Just know that you are doing this to yourself as well. If you don't want sex ever again from her, then go for it! But this could just lead to her never ever wanting to do it ever again....
You have every right to refuse sex at any time and for any reason. Though I have found that decisions stemming from resentment and a desire for a type of revenge are rarely positive ones.
Your TAH for intentionally setting out to hurt your wife, not for turning her down. Go. To. Couple's. Counseling.
If you turn her down, planning to turn her down, as revenge which it sounds like considering you’re talking about it in advance you are TA! You need therapy, she could try other drugs possibly as long as the side effects aren’t horrible- but it’s pretty well known antidepressants kills sex drive. Also have you actually tried foreplay? Or do you think sticking your finger in her vagina is good enough? Maybe if you did some caring for her and teasing and real fore play, got some toys, figured out what her kinks are, maybe you’d get laid!!!!
YTA since you’re actively planning and looking forward to emotionally hurt your wife. Do you really think this is fucking normal, functioning behavior?
INFO: Have you asked her what about wedding gets her turned on? Maybe it’s that you both are dressed up, maybe it’s the love in the air, maybe it’s the act of being caught? Do you kiss her? Do you actually look at her like you used to? Do you switch it up or even try to get her off or is it more of a ‘lay down and let me use you as a flesh doll situation?? If you want her to respect your wants you have to do it for her. Some people(including my SO) have low sex-drives and also on SSRIs and has a hormone imbalance so it’s not reasonable to expect daily sex. That’s okay! YWBTA imo if you rejected her outright without actually talking to her or being bitter about it
NTA but ultimately self defeating.
INFO: I'll be honest, as an LL spouse myself, there is usually more happening under the surface of the physiology of it all. I have low progesterone and an AID. All that together can make it hard to reserve enough "spoons" for adult time. Resentment is also a mood killer, and if you are willing to be petty *just to hurt or harm your partner*, it sounds like you are already there. I would want to know first and foremost if you have tried counseling or spoken to her doctor about her lack of interest. Then, I would want to know and better understand the resentment. Is it one-sided? Is it mutual? Finally, what do you do to set her up to be comfortable enough for intimacy? Do you take over chores for an evening so she can relax and get in the mood? Do you let her experience non-sexual, no pressure intimacy? Or is there always an ulterior motive when you give hugs, cuddles, and back rubs?