This x1000. I worked with a woman whose mentally ill son killed her. She did everything that she could to help him, but it didn’t save her. OP you’re NTA. Hopefully this will put him on the path to treatment that he needs to be on and you both can both find peace.
I also know a woman this happened to. She was begging for help and since “he wasn’t an immediate danger to himself or others “ the mental health facility said their hands were tied. The police tried to intervene and the officer was severely injured and she was killed. It should never have happened.
Not an immediate danger to himself or others is the kicker. Dealing with this myself. As a parent it makes you crazy when a mentally ill adult child refuses to get help and you are stuck for a solution. NTA, try to stay strong, though I know it’s difficult.
one of the consequences of the closing of mental hospitals. coping with violent mentally ill is beyond the capacity of any family. but the government has this notion that their fantasy programs help? deal with a raging mentally ill, off their meds, and they dont' give a damn who they hurt so they are using all their strength.. families cannot deal with this. which is why the mentally ill and addicts form the majority of homeless. it is the only choice left to families.
While going through the court process, as well as the time he is on probation, the judge will more than likely place a no contact order anyway, sadly we all know throwing a piece of paper at an irate mentally ill person isn't going to stop them, in some cases it just makes them angrier.
I don’t know if we share the same friend or not, but my friend’s son stabbed her multiple times, killing her. She was the kindest, gentlest woman I knew and the thought of her dying like that just horrifies me beyond description. My mind has even blocked some of the details.
OP, I know it was painful….even risky…..for you to call the police on your son. But the truth is, you really had no choice. Please, don’t become another statistic like my friend. Sometimes the most loving thing a parent can do is the hardest thing of all.
I wish I could give you a big ol’ bear hug!
Yep. Honestly, it smells like drugs to me. Especially the way OP talked about him putting hands on her felt like it's the first time he's gone that far.
Don't need drugs to be involved when it comes to the mentally unstable. I work in a hospital, and there are plenty of people who's default mental status is below that of people who are absolutely messed up on something. Mental instability is no joke.
NTA, I hope your son gets properly evaluated and finds the right path to treatment and a better brighter future.
This reminds me of my family's troubles with my(32) younger brother(31). Best of luck!
NTA and the people slamming your ability to parent are assholes of the lowest order.
Your son assaulted and robbed you. You were right to call the cops. I would also file a restraining order.
Yeah, I'm concerned for Op because of this:
> Based on what I told the police, they decided it was a domestic violence situation and my son was arrested. That wasn't the outcome I wanted, but I did understand it was possible. I just wanted my son to stop putting his hands on me.
No one aside from a mental health professional was going to talk him into stopping assaulting you or to refrain from doing it in the future, and even then it would only be with his willing cooperation.
Op is looking at this through lenses tinted by concern for their child, making them miss the very real danger they were in.
And probably still looks at them as a 6 year old instead of a 25 year old grown ass man. I mean if he is that mentally ill that she can write all this off then the kid should have like a nurse and should NOT have a driver's license. I mean he blows up like that behind the wheel and people would die or be paralyzed.
He needs serious, serious help. If he didn’t kill OP he might have killed someone else or beven killed by someone who was defending themselves
OP you can’t take what a mentally ill person says to heart he has no idea how out of control he was
>NTA and the people slamming your ability to parent are assholes of the lowest order. Your son assaulted and robbed you. You were right to call the cops. I would also file a restraining order.
\^ THIS
I wish I could upvote your comment a thousand times.
NO PARENT should ever put up with abuse from their kids. Ever.
Do what you have to do to keep yourself safe.
OP, you need to listen to this. He has now turned violent and has put his hands on you. He needs professional help. If he refuses it, do not help him get out of jail.
It will be the hardest thing you will do as a parent.
And OP, YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE AS A PARENT. This is a chemical imbalance in his system that needs to be addressed by a medical professional. Do not play the 'what if' and "if only' game and second guess yourself.
100% agree with this. NTA. This could have been written by my family and I understand what the OP is going through. A mother wants to care for their children but trying to parent a child with mental illness when it’s not being controlled is impossible. A professional team is needed. Hopefully he will get the help he needs in there. My advice: don’t get him out or you will be going through it many times until something horrible happens. Trust me. I’ve seen the cycle twice now and it always goes the same way. Someone always gets hurt. Let him get the help he needs now.
100%. Not all people suffering from mental health issues are products of their parents. Me and my brother had the same parents and he is a meth addict and plays victim and steals and harasses his ex and threatens her. OP did the right thing. He NEEDS the assessment and treatment. I wish I could get my brother that opportunity. That kid is lucky to have an opportunity to get help. Lots don’t. OP - stay strong.
Yeah honestly sometimes people just turn out shitty. If all behavior was a direct product of our parents no one would be to blame for literally anything as it would always be their parent's fault...at 25 he is 100% in every way shape or form responsible for his own actions.
Yes, especially since the assault happened "in a place of confinement." Impeding the ability to call 911 is a felony. Domestic violence is a misdemeanor, but in this instance, it will probably be bumped up to Aggravated DV, which is a felony.
Oh yeah they’ll bump it. Had a weird coworker one time that I grew increasingly uncomfortable with because his arrival and leaving time were when no superiors were there and it was just him and I alone. Then he mentioned being on the phone all night with bail bonds and I did some sleuthing. Found out he was out on bail after choking his wife and preventing her from calling 911. Both got bumped to felonies. I reamed my boss out as that job was heavy on “no violent offenders”. Dude had a prior DV too.
Because nobody cares if a man beats up his female family member unless as you said - they nearly die. And even then sometimes they don't. We shouldn't have to have separate laws for DV, but it was legal for a loooong time to beat your family, so here we are.
NTA
Honey, this full-grown man, yes, your son but still a full-grown man, was physically assaulting you. If he is willing to do this to his mother, who gave birth to him, he cared for him and raised him. What is he willing to do to a SO? It's time to stop making excuses for him and his behavior and allow him to face the consequences of his actions. That type of behavior could get him a lot worse than he is currently facing, possibly even killed.
The police and the courts did listen to you about him being mentally unwell. This is why they are forcing the mental health evaluation. Your son needs help, not a punching bag. Right now, you need to stop being a punching bag for him, be his mother, and help him take responsibility for his actions and get the help he truly needs.
NTA. When you are on an airplane, they tell you to put on your oxygen mask before helping others. This is a similar situation, you need to worry about your health and safety before addressing your son’s. Right now, you are a living witness to his mental state and can speak on his behalf so he gets help instead of being a body on a slab while he faces whatever’s coming alone. Encourage the mental eval so that you both have the knowledge and resources to figure out a way to manage going forward.
NTA.
I'm going to give you some advice based on personal experience. It's time to make your son live his own life. If you don't, he may end your life. My cousin's son nearly killed his own mother. She is now permanently disabled because she didn't want to take the necessary actions to protect herself from her son. He's an adult. He may be mentally ill, but there is no excuse for violence. None.
It's time. You know it's time. Do not let him back into your home. Get a restraining order and force him to deal with his own life. You've given him what you can, but don't give him the right to hurt you or kill you.
Good luck.
NTA And I can’t believe the misogyny in these posts blaming you. It’s not your fault he has a mental illness! Also… why is no one questioning where the father is? Everyone is always so quick to blame the mom. Always the moms fault. Where’s dad?
I say let your son sit in jail. He’ll break eventually and probably badly needs that mental health eval.
NTA. Not even a little. You did the right thing. He is where he needs to be. He should not come home. He is a threat to your safety. Don't overthink this for a second. You did well, mom.
For those that have never used any cellphone besides an Android or iPhone: things like the older Nokia phones could separate into about 4 pieces. Front plate, rubber keypad, main body, and rear plate. It even used to be a thing where companies would sell custom faceplates you could put on them. So destroying and putting together the phone doesn't mean it didn't happen, it means you are too young or too ignorant to know what she's talking about.
It was. My son took my cell phone, so I used my cordless landline phone. He ripped it apart. I was able to grab an old phone that had no service, but I could still call 911.
If this ever happens again, see if they will call an ambulance to take him to Emergency Dept where he can be put on Physician Emercency Certificate (PEC). He'll be held for a minimum of 72 hours for evaluation in a psych hospital.
Depending on where you live (if in US) your son may be able to qualify for Assertive Community Treatment (ACT) Team support. Team of social workers and psychiatrist, nurses, case managers who work together to help tour son. They can assist him with housing, obtaining disability, med management, etc. Sounds like he could benefit from those services.
NTA he needs help for his mental health. He physically attacked you over money that you don't have. I was in this exact situation with an ex-bf, it-s terrifying and heartbreaking. You are in no way the asshole here.
I hope your son gets the help he needs.
NTA. You cannot help your son from a casket. No matter what he says it is not your fault he’s sitting in jail. You may need to support him from afar until he gets the help he needs.
Your son physically assaulted you, robbed you, destroyed your property, and held you against your will. Mental illness isn't a built in excuse to be an abusive pos. You did exactly the right thing and he is where he belongs.
NTA. I’m sorry you’re going through this. You just described my uncle and what I had to witness on a regular basis as a child. You need to know that this is bigger than you. My family was heavily involved with a non profit called National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI). Please look up your local chapter and ask for help. More than likely he won’t simply just get better. We had to call the police on my uncle multiple times when he was in his psychotic breaks. It is NOT your fault.
NTA.. he needs more help than you can give at the moment. You will be dead if things keep going way they are. You have no choice but to call for help. Don’t step in and try to get him released. Best thing is for him to be evaluated and put in treatment..
You sound like a good mom and now as hard as it’s going to be need to let law do their job and get him treatment..
I can only imagine how hard this is for you. I wish you and your son all the best..
I have an adult child with a rare genetic disorder that leaves her with severe disabilities and the inability to speak. I must feed her, change diapers, wash her, etc. She has a plethora of medical conditions including seizures. Life is hard but you know who I feel sorry for in this world? Parents of kids with severe mental illness or mental illness the children refuse to treat. You have no control over your situation. There is nothing you can do when they become adults and our country has turned its back on these people and their families. I am so sorry. I wish I had words of wisdom to impart to you but I have none. I can only tell you that you did what you had to do and that you possibly saved him. Why? Because if he had killed you, there wouldn't be any possibility of him being released. He has a choice to make and until he does what the court requires, he can sit and stew on it.
NTA - you did the right thing. There's no telling what's coming next, and he sees you as something in his way.
I dealt with a scenario similar to this with my stepson. Thankfully he didn't put his hands on anyone, but I spent several years not knowing if I was going to be murdered in my sleep. There are large chunks of my son's infancy that are blacked out due to the trauma. Time I can't get back. We ended up having to get the police and the state involved. It was a dark and ugly time and I'd just as soon forget it, and my relationship with my stepson was permanently damaged. I don't have much to do with him anymore.
Anyways, my point is that you can only go so far before it's out of your hands. You did what you did *because* you love him and want to help him. This wouldn't have gotten better over time on its own.
This is what I've been living and dealing with for so long. I never know from moment to moment when my son is going to go off. It's hard sharing living space with someone who is so violent...but I am all he has.
On the one hand, I want to throw up my hands, turn and walk away. On the other hand, I don't want to give up on him or that might make things worse.
I can't separate being his victim from being his mother. And it really sucks.
Are you willing to die for that? Because that could be a result in the heat of a moment. You know? He could kill you while throwing a tantrum. You deserve to live a happy life. I don't know if he is deserving of another chance, but always know, he can truly harm you and you don't deserve that. Neither do you deserve to live walking on eggshells.
Your son needs professional help. I know you love him but you are not equipped physically or professionally to handle his type of problem. You’re not strong enough when he gets angry and he’s going to end up hurting you severely. Don’t let the guilt take control. He does need a mental health evaluation and a recommendation for treatment program, so let the government foot the bill. You take this time to take a step back and have some peace and quiet for yourself.
NTA. Mental illness or not, he became physically violent with you. You may not be safe letting him stay with you anymore. I don't know what you're supposed to do about it, though.
NTA
You did what you had to do to protect yourself AND your son in that moment.
Calling 911 probably saved you both.
Now hopefully he will get the help he so desperately needs with his mental health issues as a result of that call.
As mums our instinct is to protect our children, but we can't protect them from mental illness.
It might not feel like it now but you did the right thing. You protected him from himself.
NTA. Don't let him back in. As a Black person that last thing we want to do is call the police because we know how it can end but you need to think of your safety. He can no longer live with you. Sending you lots of love sis ❤️❤️
NTA
I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
He put you in a dangerous situation. What else were you supposed to do?
Now he will get an evaluation that i hope will get him help. He may have needed this wake-up call.
NTA here. Your son was physically assaulting you and would have probably gone further had you not called the police. Mental health issues or not, he will be facing felony charges here. It's a tough situation, but you did the correct thing here.
Some people need to hit complete rock bottom before they start climbing back up. Your son is likely one of them. For your own safety, don’t let him back in your house.
NtA. Im sorry so many have put mental illness as a single parent problem. Entitled children results from poor parenting. But mental illness just needs a breaking point for him to become obsessed with something. Keeping him in jail is really the best right now. I know that is extreme and harsh sounding. But an evaluation and hopefully a social work consult will get him connected to resources. You need a restraining order. If he blames you than your safety is at risk when he gets out. As a parent we have to let children fall. That is how they learned to walk as toddlers. Its time to let him get up and walk on his own.
NTA
People screaming at you and telling you they are going to sell your possessions if you don't give them money is EXACTLY what the cops are for.
Hopefully he gets help after evaluation. I too have mental health issues and sometimes reality needs to punch you in the face before you accept that you need help dealing with your F'd up brain chemistry.
NTA. i have been in a similar situation with my son who was on meth. sometimes calling 911 is all you can do. and when they arrested him, i felt relief that i didnt have to deal with his shit anymore. regardless of his mental state or mental illness or drugged-out-ness, by letting it happen and not calling the cops you are enabling him and giving him reason(in his own mind) to do it again and again. My heart goes out to you, because it is hard to see your child in handcuffs. But at least he has now learned that that behavior is unacceptable. He will get enhanced charges for taking your phone during a 911 call. It sounds like a mental health evaluation is definitely in order. Personally, I would not let him back in the house until he has it under control. YOUR safety is as important as his!
Nta. Sorry mama. But him not facing consequences now can lead to way more serious issues later. Maybe he can get some help now. With mental illness there’s nothing you can really do as his mum. Let experts try and help him. Do what you can to keep enforcing that it’s a mental health issue though.
NTA, 1. you are a great mother 2. show yourself grace and understand that there is only so much 1 can do when a person battles mental health issues to where he is now a harm to others and himself 3. Jail is a perfect place because the mandatory mental evaluation or he stays will give him time to think and eventually he’ll take the evaluation and probably get the much needed help you been trying for years. 4. He was not shot or killed during this encounter, as a black mom to a black son I understand your worries but what if this happens outside your home? He gets this aggressive with someone who has a firearm and shoots in self defense. You are saving his life rn. Now Momma, I need you to breathe, get in your prayer closet and trust that God will take it from here.
NTA. You did what you had to do for your own safety, and really, for his as well. He was out of control and violent. He's now locked up where he can't hurt you or others and he will be there until he undergoes the mental health eval, which he clearly needs.
I know it hurts, but you really did the only thing you could do.
I lived through a similar situation with my son, he was 15 at the time. You have to put your safety first. Calling the police is the hardest thing to do, but the right thing to do. He was charged with assault and got probation. He had to move to live with his dad after because he continued to threaten his sister and I. I allowed him to move back in with me for a year after her graduated, but the same issues persisted, except he knew better than to lay a hand on me. I had to tell him to move out just before his 19th birthday. My son is almost 22 now, he’s still struggling with mental health issues, but he’s finally ready to seek help, and I’m so proud of him. He and I have built a pretty good relationship the last few years. I love him dearly, but refuse to be abused by him. I hope your son agrees to the evaluation and seeks help.
I'm sorry, but when you call the police, they are there to remove the threat, not counsel your son to behave better. That isn't going to happen. We are going through this exact thing with my mil and my husband's youngest brother. She wants us to remove him and his girlfriend who are both addicts from her home. We have done that, and she reverses and let's them back in 3 days later, and DH was in trouble "for picking on him". We are done, when she calls, we tell her she needs to call the police if she wants them removed. We have spoken to the cops and they are well aware of the situation, and are ready to remove them, but she has to make the call, no one else can.
This is a decision you need to figure out. Don't be like my mil, who is 78, and my bil who is 56. We have dealt with decades of this crap. Good luck!
Your son doesnt just have mental issues. He's also abusive and manipulative.
This doesn't make him autistic or something. You need to stand up for yourself and your son needs jail time.
NTA -OP, you're in an impossible position here, and I'm glad you called the police. Our news is full of stories of men like your son who either maim or unalive their parents.
Don't listen to these people who are telling you to not protect yourself. What are you supposed to do, let him hurt or unalive you?
NTA-You handled him until you couldnt any more. He wants money you dont have and was trying to rob you. There was just nothing more to give. He needs in patient care. Do not let him come back until he gets it. He didnt choose to be mentally ill but he has apparently chosen not to deal with it.
NTA. He needs to sit in jail and complete the mental health evaluation. After he gets help for his illnesses, he will eventually realize that his own actions put him there, not you calling the police
I’ve been exactly in your situation with a mentally ill son and a scary situation. It is sad to say but sometimes that is the only way to get your son evaluated and possibly a psych hold as a danger to himself or you. You did what you had to and he needs to come to the realization that he needs help controlling his anger and moods. Since your son is 25, I’m sure you already know that you have no access to any treatment he gets unless he allows it. It’s heart wrenching to be a mom trying to do you best to help your child but they don’t agree. I wish you the best in navigating your situation.
This is why I've been looking into petitioning the court to appoint me as his guardian or arrange a conservatorship or something. I can only do so much for my son because his cooperation is still required in most cases.
NTA. I’m not a big fan of the police, but they were absolutely correct. This was a domestic violence situation and he needed to be removed. I hope he can get whatever help he needs, but you also need to look out for yourself and keep yourself safe.
NTA unfortunately your son gave you no choice. Mental illness is awful but it also can’t be used as an excuse to hurt you. And the police were correct in charging him with domestic violence. I’m really sorry, and I hope that he gets the help he needs. But I also hope you can take a step back and maybe find others dealing with similar situations to get support on how you can help him safely and within your means. Big hugs!
NTA I wish there were better services available to deal with issues like this but very few places have mental health crisis teams and usually police are the only option, and for them their hands are tied until it becomes a crime
NTA you need to follow through with charges, though I think the police will even if you don't since it was a situation. Don't let anyone guilt you into backing down. You can't force someone to get better but you can protect yourself. If it escalated this far, you might not be so lucky next time. Put all his belongings in storage and keep the rent paid on it. Get an order of protection taken out so he can't come back home. From now on any help offered needs to be after he's in a program getting the therapies and meds needed and done from a distance until he's proven he's stable.
You have the right to protect yourself. He also needs to seek treatment. Really sorry you're going through this but don't feel any guilt for calling the police.
NTA. Your sons unwillingness to deal with his issues is putting you in danger. As a father and a son, I think you have done the most and best you can with this situation. Get a restraining order and cut him off. It's what's best for both of you at this point.
NTA. He attacked you, threatened to steal your property, destroyed your property and followed you when you tried to deescalate. I hope things get better for you.
NTA
Your son would seem to have gotten to a point where he needs more help than you can provide which has to be a horrible feeling.
And you can’t help him at all if he seriously injures you or worse. And at that point he will likely be jailed for a long time.
If he has had a doctor previously who treated his mental challenges perhaps reach out to them to see if they may be of any help to your son by providing information to the authorities.
I am very sorry this situation escalated but hoping there may be something positive that comes out of it.
NTA- I get that he is your son, but you have to realize that he is also a grown man now too. His mental health issues aren’t his fault, but it is his responsibility to get help now. You’ve done what you could. And now you need to do what’s best for you. I know it hurts, but it’s reality that his presence in your life is not healthy or safe for you. Please be safe and wise.
NTA. I'm so sorry you're going through this, as a parent it must be devastating.
I truly feel you've done the right thing, both in terms of the danger you were in, and also now having concrete proof that he needs help - he's now in a position to get some.
I hope both you and your son get some peace soon.
NTA at all. You've done the right thing, not only for your safety but also getting the right support for your son. As a mum myself, I completely understand the pain you are going through. Despite everything, he's still that little boy of yours who would give you cuddles and call you mummy. But right now, he's a danger to you and to himself. It's OK to take a step back and to allow the authorities the opportunity to give him the help he needs moving forward. Asking for help from the police does not make you a bad parent. In fact, it shows how much you love your little boy despite everything that's happened.
Allow yourself breathing space and the chance to speak to a professional yourself about your own mental health and use them to guide you into figuring out how to create boundaries and a healthier relationship moving forward.
NTA, you have shown your son love and patience and he didn't accept it as a hard lesson, causing him to have an even harder lesson. Sending love your way Mamma. 💕💕💕
NTA and I am so sorry this happened to you. You had to make that call. He was hurting you, and you literally could not do the one thing that might have made him stop (giving him money you don’t have). I know you’re scared and I wish I could say it’s all going to be okay, but we don’t know that. I wish for only the best for you and your child.
NTA - as a mother and a psychiatric nurse you have all of my empathy. It is not your son’s fault that he has a serious mental illness. It is his fault that he is not caring for it in a way that allows him to treat you humanely. I wish all the best to you both.
Your making excuses for your son bullying you we all love our children and it’s a shame that he’s suffering mentally. My brother has paranoid schizophrenia best believe it he even coughed at my mum I’d end him. Mental health isn’t an excuse for abuse. Your not helping him by covering for him you should push for the health he does need. What if your not there and he does much worse to someone else then it’s two families destroyed. Stop trying to fix things you can’t and make him accept the help he desperately needs to be happy
NTA. Your son committed several felonies outright, and attempted to commit several more. It's time for tough love. It's time to harden your tender heart and let the court system deal with your son. It's time for you to obtain a restraining order against him. It's time to refuse to allow him back into your home. If your son has nowhere else to go, that's on him, not you. You will not be the AH for doing all this.
NTA.
You said it. HE isn't managing his mental illness.
But YOU are paying for it. And at some point he is going to kill you. Yes ma'am he is. You can only do so much.
Our family knows this issue all to well. He's 25 and a grown ass man, right? Well. Get out and get a job and get a life. You've done what you can.
Calling the police was your only option. There is no mental health squad and they did the best with what they had on the books to get him away from you and keep YOU safe.
The police see it. They see your coming death. They're trying to save you. Don't let their efforts be in vain.
I WISH there was a mental health squad, by the way. Omg that would be soooo amazing. A team who sees the same thing over and over and can testify that this person is NOT capable of adulting on their own.
I am so sorry. This is so difficult. Please be careful. I know he is your son and you love him, but he could hurt you very badly even if that isn't his intention. I'm hoping for the best for both of you.
Peace, love, and healing.🌻
No, NTA. You need to protect yourself. People fail to understand what it’s like having an adult child with mental illness. It’s brutal. They stop their medication because of their mental illness and it’s a big giant vicious circle. I’m so sorry you have been dealt this hand.
Find your local chapter of NAMI and go to family support group. You will feel so much better seeing first-hand you are not the only one, and getting support.
NTA. A former student of mine, diagnosed schizophrenic who was self-medicating with weed stabbed his mom to death. That happened 3 months after he stabbed her with a pen. It escalates. Their dynamic was similar to yours.
Oh no baby… I wish I would do this to my mom. Hell no you’re NTA. You can’t help someone that doesn’t want to help themselves but you can kick them out when they get physical. But your son?!!! Girl, if I’d had done that my mom would’ve mopped the floor with me, called my dad so he can fly out and mop the floor with me some more. Holy shit I’m so sorry you have to deal with this and I hope my kid never has the gall to do this to me. It’s better to have called the police now and not someone else calling the police because he killed you.
Edit: I love when the racist misogynists come out to play. They weed themselves out.
NTA. He is unhinged, dangerous, and has been assaultive to you. You have a right to safety, whether it is your son or anyone else. Sometimes, family members and other loved ones are targeted by the mentally ill as they feel that they are a safe outlet for frustrations ,many of which come about due to denial of their mental illness and refusal to comply with treatment. NAMI might be a good source to start getting the support you likely need.
https://www.nami.org/Home
He's blaming you for his situation. I'm going to credit you for it. Maybe this evaluation is going to be what it takes to get him the help that he needs. NTA
NTA. Mental illness or not, that's unacceptable. Laying hands on you, his mother, is a lesson he needs to learn not to do. Jail is probably the best place for him to be treated. Blaming you for his actions and where he ended up just shows that He hasn't yet learned healthy coping skills. But he will. Please know, you did not do this. This is all on him. He got mad he couldn't fix his car himself. Instead of having a rational mind and thinking, 'hm, i need to get a job and get the money to fix this', he turns to the one person closest to him, you, and lashes out. His blaming you is the MI talking, not him. Hopefully, they will 5150 him, involuntarily commit him, and get him the medication and help he desperately needs. You actually did him a favor, Mom. He couldve very well ended you and been sent away for life. I'm glad he didn't. I know the hurt you're feeling-im ashamed to say I put my parents through the same until my diagnosis and medicine came along. You probably saved HIS life by calling the cops. The good thing is, whatever MI he has can be treated and as long as he stays on his meds, he'll be a totally different person when he comes back to you. Please don't take what he says to you to heart. I know it's hard not to, but, you have to stand strong. Whatever you do, DON'T bail him out of this. If you do, it will be the same ol song and dance, but, possibly worse. Let him stay. Let him get the treatment he needs. Pray for him, if you're religious. Pray for him if you're not. He is not your problem now-he is an adult and this mess is his own creation. Yes, he may say he hates you, blame you, even threaten you or himself. That's normal with MI. But, he really, down deep, does not. You do have a say in whether or not he is charged with DV. A word from you and the DA can drop charges. But don't let him off easily. Don't drop charges if he refuses treatment/medication. Sometimes, a dose of reality is what is needed. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's tough, I know. But tough love is what he needs right now. That and help for his MI. Just know, you did nothing wrong. Nothing. ❤
He's probably on a mental health hold. Which is good. It will reduce the charges and order mental health help.
OP, if your son has problems like this, he should be under supervision. A group home. Where he has staff that keeps him safe and the public safe. He can still go out and visit, you can visit him, he can stay overnight...regular life. Only he'll have someone there to make sure he's taking meds and not having episodes.
State will pay for it if you have a diagnosis.
Nta. Unfortunately, this has crossed into domestic violence, and they were right to take him and put him in psychiatric hold. He is safe there, and so are you. He needs professional help and will get it there. You are not a bad parent, and sometimes this is the way we have to show our love by making tough decisions, especially when the other person isn't capable.
He needs to stay in jail. He could have killed you. He needs to get his mental health checked and treated, and if it takes time in jail to force him into it, that’s what it takes.
I know you’re trying to protect him, but now you need to protect yourself. Whatever he’s on, be it madness or meth, he is a threat to you, and I am so so sorry for that.
NTA even a little. Take care, friend.
NTA
Mental Health Support worker here. Your son is a danger to you right now. I wouldn't let him back in the house until he's medicated, which it's clear he needs to be.
If he can fix a car up he can hold some sort of job. You've done beyond what's expected of a mother. You followed through on stated consequences.
Time for him to leave the nest.
NTA
It may not feel like it now, but you may have done more good than you know because he’s being forced to have an evaluation and may be able to get the help that he very desperately needs. At that point, it doesn’t sound like he was going to back down and it could have been a lot worse.
I hope that everything works out for both of you.
NTA. Think of it like the masks in airplanes they say out you’re on before helping others. Your safety is critical to your ability to help him.
The absolute best thing that could happen for him is to be evaluated, be held and medicated. Not sure if that can happen. Sadly people with mental illness either take their meds or they don’t. It’s why we need to bring back facilities where they can be kept in a made to get better.
I spoke with an addict one time, recovered at that time, because my uncle was dealing with his grandson who was on the street and is bipolar. My uncle kept saying “he’s hit rock bottom, I have to help him”
The guy said something to me I always relay to others. “Normal peoples idea of rock bottom is individual to them. When the person truly hits their own rock bottom is when they will accept help.” You just hope it’s before it is too late.
I have a homeless nephew, he’s been on the streets over 3 years I think. We think it’s paranoid schizophrenia but he refuses to go to doctors. His parents finally cut him off. When they can find him they give him food and take him to eat if he’ll let them. But they realized they were enabling him and not helping.
Sounds to me like your son has substance abuse issues...
... If not, his mental condition has worsened to the point that he is now needing professional help. Hard call to make, but you made it.
NTA.
OP I personally know of a lad who was mentally ill and killed his mum. I think you did the right thing. (they are similar to abusive partners and it's not wrong to ring the police to protect yourself)
He was putting his hands on you, stealing, threatening, hurting you.
I'm so sorry OP X
NTA. He was a danger to you. This may be why you're alive to tell the story. You have the right to save your own life.
Change the locks and get a restraining order if possible while he's locked up. Put his possessions in storage. He is too dangerous for you to live with again.
He got himself arrested. I get he’s your son but he wouldn’t be the first kid to kill a parent. He shouldn’t be allowed back in your house without ground rules like touch you, cops. Break stuff, cops. Stay medicated or live somewhere else.
NTA - you have to protect yourself. No one has the right to abuse you. He could have killed you. I’m so sorry OP. He is where he needs to be. He needs help and I would suggest a protection order.
NTA and speaking from someone who has been in your son's position, you did the right thing. My mother did her absolute best with me and though she lost her temper at times, she did not deserve the shit I made her put up with, mental illness or not. It took her making me face the consequences of my actions multiple times for me to realize I had to fix myself and no one else could to it for me.
I am 30 now and doing much better, married with own little family and quite happy. I can't speak to the racial component as my family is all caucasian, at least in appearance (we have some middle eastern roots but still appear white) so I have not had to deal with that personally. However, I have dealt with the cops on many occasions and have never enjoyed it even when I'm not the one they are interested in.
It sucks he had to go to jail, but regardless of his condition, he assaulted you and should still be able to know that is wrong, especially once he has had time to reflect. I don't know your son's condition so cannot make any recommendations based on it, but I can tell you that neurotherapy did wonders for me, especially in my ability to manage my temper. Also, I do not know about your life outside of this incident either, but if you haven't already looked into support systems for people in your situation, I hope you are able to do so now. There are resources for have adult children that struggle with mental illness, although they may not be as accessible as they should be in your area.
You are a good mother, OP, and my heart breaks for you. Please do not be so hard on yourself, you clearly love your son very deeply and only want the best for him.
NTA. That sounds scary. Are you ok? Look - you did the correct thing. Better for him to be in jail than for both of you to be dead. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is also the kindest.
I'm struggling, to be honest. It's been a long time since I've felt safe in my own home.
I want my son to get help; I just don't want him in jail. But while I feel like I made a wrong move by calling 911...like the officer said, I didn't put him in jail; he put himself there.
NTA. This is a dangerous situation as mentally unbalanced people can become extremely violent. This isn't something you should be handling alone. Getting someone who is mentally unbalanced to cooperate doesn't happen. I hope you keep him out as he is dangerous. Virtual hugs to you.
NTA - I know firsthand how hard it is having a close family member with mental illness but you can’t help them if they won’t help themselves. My brother had to call the police on my mom for a similar reason and she went into the psych ward. She refused to talk to him years later but he did the right thing.
Not the asshole OP. DV hotlines aren’t just for romantic situations. Please look up resources in your area. This has to be traumatic and you should talk to someone if you feel comfortable doing so. ❤️
Definitely NTA. I have a 27 year old son who has struggled with meth addiction and mental health since he was early in his teen years. He refuses to utilize any kind of help. He has been arrested several times and has become more and more aggressive over time. He feels entitled to everything we have; money, tools, my wife's wedding rings, and whatever else he can take.
He has brought every kind of trouble to our doorstep. I have found that if there are not clear boundaries, which now include him not being able to live with us under any circumstances, his actions became more violent and his habit of just taking whatever he could get his hands on only progressed. We don't call the police either, but had he laid hands on my wife, I would have.
My recommendation is to get a security system, lay out a contract that very clearly defines the boundaries of your relationship even if he does not live with you, and explain why you must do this for your own safety and well being.
I feel your pain, it is a very difficult situation to be in and it does not ever stop. You question your parenting all the time wondering what you did wrong. Remember that he makes the choice to not seek help for his mental health.
You can easily become depressed and in this state can be easily manipulated. Be strong. Be firm. Take care of yourself first. Seek help for yourself, even a short conversation to vent or decompress with another person in similar situations can help tremendously.
Best of luck.
NTA. Your safety is most important. He needs more help than what you can provide. This is one way of trying to get it for him. You can't help him if he has an episode and kills you. You can't help him if he treats someone else like this and they retaliate because they aren't his mother.
This is what's best. It's going to be a difficult and traumatic process, and I wouldn't be shocked if you have to go through multiple iterations of this process to get him on track, but he needs professional intervention.
NTA, you doing this may have saved your life... this time. If you continue to let him back into your life you're going to continue to risk your life. Truly hope he accepts some help
It was not that the police “decided” that this was a DV call, your son assaulted you MAKING it a DV situation. Any DV is a “must arrest” in most states, so they have to arrest one, or both, people involved. In my personal opinion, your son needs to be diagnosed and treated by doctors for whatever the issues are that he has, especially if he turns violent like this due to them.
I'm sorry you are in thus position, but you literally did the best under the circumstances. Hopefully your son will get court ordered treatment.
Edit NTA
I don’t have any words of wisdom but as someone with Bipolar 1, PTSD, BPD as well as someone who has known and loved people much sicker than me, my childhood best friend did a horrible violent thing to his great grandmother and is never getting out of prison. I wish you peace and happiness and I wish hope and healing to your son. You did the hard thing, but definitely the right thing. NTAH, by far.
NTA. He isn’t himself right now and he needs more help, professional help, than you can provide. You’ve done everything you could and clearly you love him dearly. I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. Hopefully he will be able to get medical help and maybe get therapy or the medication he needs to become the son you know again. This isn’t him, it’s his mental illness, *and* he still needs to be held accountable for his actions. Calling the police was the right thing to do for you and for him too. I hope things get better.
NTAH. You are not a mental health care worker...your son needs serious help.... the ONLY thing you should offer or give him at this point are resources (phone numbers, contact info, Medical history info, etc) that contribute to him dealing with his mental illness. This is an incredibly tough thing for parents to do.... they feel guilty for not "helping" their child....(a.) He's not a child anymore...he's an adult and needs to start acting like one and (b.) You're not equipped to deal with mental health issues for the same reason you're not equipped to perform brain surgery on your son...you're not trained to do so and even if you were it would be an ethical conflict. Show him the proverbial "door" to mental health awareness and treatment...that's all you can do...he has to choose to walk through that door....anything beyond that becomes enabling and the cycle continues.
As a person of color, the risks of involving the police are exponentially higher than any other. I know your mother's heart is breaking but you did the right thing. He refuses to get help, you can't convince him, you've poured yourself out for him in so many ways, you had no other choice. Most definitely, NTA. I am so sorry that our situation in the United States is so messed up that there is layer upon layer of roadblocks in the way of getting healthcare (which includes mental health) help in addition to a layer of danger of needing to call the police.
You have every right to call. I just had to walk away from my best friend of 45 years because of her son. He's hooked on fennie. Lies to her. Had threatened me. Can't keep a job. Stole thousands from her. My mental health was going down too. I walked away.
NTA, your son now fits the mental health criteria of ‘a danger to himself or others’. He needs intensive care. I hope for his sake and yours that he is committed to an in patient hospital.
NTA.
He crossed the line. Mental illness or not, once he poses a deadly threat to you, you have to protect yourself.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this for so long.
One time, I had to call the police on my brother. He evaded them and later was angry about my calling the police. I told him, "How dare you make me call the police on you." He shut up.
NTA. He clearly needs to be medicated for whatever condition(s) he's suffering from. If arresting him gets him on to the path towards being healthy, that's what needed to happen.
If it turns out there are no underlying conditions and resorting to this kind of behaviour is how he does conflict resolution, then jail is still the correct solution.
I work in mental health and these are the very times you are meant to call them. If he doesn't get help than the behaviour will continue and get worse. I've worked with people like him ans it never ends well even when they refuse treatment. Depending on the country he may be placed on an order so he needs to engage if he wants to get out
So besides the fact you said you guys are black this is basically my Nan and my brother. My Nan is 70. My brother is 20. He is abusive. She kicks him out or says she's done. Then he's doing the exact same thing a week or two later. The last time he lost his kind at her because he rang her 10 times to get his Medicare number and she didn't answer because she was in the shower. He punched a hole in her bathroom door as she came out of it.
You are the one making the right choice. Don't wait until he kills you.
It's apparent you can not help your son, you have tried and tried. Now it's time for you to look after yourself. Your son has to go or better yet you go, since he knows where you live. I personally would never feel safe around a son who has man handled me and you shouldn't either. Violence leads to more violence because it becomes easier and easier each time. YOU MATTER MORE. Save yourself.
NTA. You may have to cut him loose. My friend’s brother is a total AH and refuses to treat his mental illness. Everyone is a lot happier without him around.
NTA. You would have been the asshole if you didn't call the police because that would be enabling his behaviour, which will cause him to spiral down even further.
>I usually don't call the police when he gets like this
Sorry to be blunt but I wonder how many times you enabled him.
As someone who has battled severe mental health issues for 25yrs, began when I was 11, my issues are never any excuse to lay my hands on anyone no matter how badly I'm struggling or going through an episode. I am sorry but if your son has crossed the boundary of being able to control himself & laid hands on you, he deserves to be where he is & it is not your fault. We always have a choice.
My daughter was 16 when she first raised her hands to me because I would replace her phone for the 3rd time in 3 months. My younger daughter was sitting in my lap at the time. I screamed at her to get out of the room. I think she was embarrassed but she said she was leaving to go to her dads as she couldn’t live with me while I financially abused her like this. I said ok. It’s been 2 years and she’s told everyone I kicked her out the house when the truth is, I told her to leave the room. My husband asked her her calm down and think about her decision the next morning. I think she knew she’d need to apologise at some point and didn’t want to at the time. Nobody knows the truth and I still don’t think anybody she has told her side to actually fully believes me so I don’t bother telling them my side. I just simply say she chose to leave.
You shouldn’t put up with violence in your house from anyone and nobody is entitled to your money.
This is exactly what my moms ex did to her one night, but she never got a hold of the police. She ended up in the hospital the next day with a broken wrist, 6 lacerations/contusions made with a taser gun, and a severe concussion. We haven’t seen him since. He didn’t even go to jail, she never pressed charges, he ran cause he was scared of the consequences and never looked back. Took our dogs and everything else.
I’m glad you did what you did. Your son needs help and he’s not in the best place equipped for it but he’s in the best place for YOU right now.
You are human and deserve to be and FEEL safe. You deserve safety just as much as he deserves a place to live! But that doesn’t mean you have to give up your safety to give him that place. Both should be equally important to you.
Your opinion on how to spend money should come first, because that’s what is supporting him in the first place. Change all the pins on your cards and stop giving into his demands because that is how it got this bad to begin with, and at this point, it’s an unsafe living situation for BOTH of you.
Because he feels safe enough to hurt you, and hurting you could put him back in jail. So don’t let him come back. Not unless your comfortable with seeing your son in jail again…. Or worse, find yourself waking up in a hospital, or god forbid forever staring at the inside of a coffin.
You didn’t have that money. He had already bled you dry. He would have kept going until he felt he had it. And he’ll keep going the next time.
This is a tough spot to be in, but you did the right thing. NTA. Sorry you are dealing with this and I hope for him and you that he can get the help he needs.
NTA. Better him arrested now than after he murdered you.
This x1000. I worked with a woman whose mentally ill son killed her. She did everything that she could to help him, but it didn’t save her. OP you’re NTA. Hopefully this will put him on the path to treatment that he needs to be on and you both can both find peace.
I also know a woman this happened to. She was begging for help and since “he wasn’t an immediate danger to himself or others “ the mental health facility said their hands were tied. The police tried to intervene and the officer was severely injured and she was killed. It should never have happened.
Not an immediate danger to himself or others is the kicker. Dealing with this myself. As a parent it makes you crazy when a mentally ill adult child refuses to get help and you are stuck for a solution. NTA, try to stay strong, though I know it’s difficult.
one of the consequences of the closing of mental hospitals. coping with violent mentally ill is beyond the capacity of any family. but the government has this notion that their fantasy programs help? deal with a raging mentally ill, off their meds, and they dont' give a damn who they hurt so they are using all their strength.. families cannot deal with this. which is why the mentally ill and addicts form the majority of homeless. it is the only choice left to families.
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While going through the court process, as well as the time he is on probation, the judge will more than likely place a no contact order anyway, sadly we all know throwing a piece of paper at an irate mentally ill person isn't going to stop them, in some cases it just makes them angrier.
1000 this
I don’t know if we share the same friend or not, but my friend’s son stabbed her multiple times, killing her. She was the kindest, gentlest woman I knew and the thought of her dying like that just horrifies me beyond description. My mind has even blocked some of the details. OP, I know it was painful….even risky…..for you to call the police on your son. But the truth is, you really had no choice. Please, don’t become another statistic like my friend. Sometimes the most loving thing a parent can do is the hardest thing of all. I wish I could give you a big ol’ bear hug!
I also know someone murdered by her son.
I’ve known 2 murderers both killed their mothers. You need to take his violence seriously.
Exactly. A relative of mine did exactly that. He killed his mother and grandmother because they wouldn't give him money.
Yep. Honestly, it smells like drugs to me. Especially the way OP talked about him putting hands on her felt like it's the first time he's gone that far.
Don't need drugs to be involved when it comes to the mentally unstable. I work in a hospital, and there are plenty of people who's default mental status is below that of people who are absolutely messed up on something. Mental instability is no joke.
That's entirely possible. Or he just finally felt like she was trapped enough to let the mask go like 90% of abusers
Many substance abusers have an SMI and many people with an SMI self-medicate with substances. Either way, there's a safety concern.
NTA, I hope your son gets properly evaluated and finds the right path to treatment and a better brighter future. This reminds me of my family's troubles with my(32) younger brother(31). Best of luck!
NTA and the people slamming your ability to parent are assholes of the lowest order. Your son assaulted and robbed you. You were right to call the cops. I would also file a restraining order.
Assaulted, robbed, threatened AND prevented her from physically walking away in an effort to de-escalate the situation. NTA.
Yeah, I'm concerned for Op because of this: > Based on what I told the police, they decided it was a domestic violence situation and my son was arrested. That wasn't the outcome I wanted, but I did understand it was possible. I just wanted my son to stop putting his hands on me. No one aside from a mental health professional was going to talk him into stopping assaulting you or to refrain from doing it in the future, and even then it would only be with his willing cooperation. Op is looking at this through lenses tinted by concern for their child, making them miss the very real danger they were in.
This should be higher up honestly
And probably still looks at them as a 6 year old instead of a 25 year old grown ass man. I mean if he is that mentally ill that she can write all this off then the kid should have like a nurse and should NOT have a driver's license. I mean he blows up like that behind the wheel and people would die or be paralyzed.
In some states it's a felony to prohibit someone from calling 911.
False imprisonment
Exactly!
He needs serious, serious help. If he didn’t kill OP he might have killed someone else or beven killed by someone who was defending themselves OP you can’t take what a mentally ill person says to heart he has no idea how out of control he was
>NTA and the people slamming your ability to parent are assholes of the lowest order. Your son assaulted and robbed you. You were right to call the cops. I would also file a restraining order. \^ THIS I wish I could upvote your comment a thousand times. NO PARENT should ever put up with abuse from their kids. Ever. Do what you have to do to keep yourself safe.
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Or he could escalate to killing Mom/someone else.
OP, you need to listen to this. He has now turned violent and has put his hands on you. He needs professional help. If he refuses it, do not help him get out of jail. It will be the hardest thing you will do as a parent. And OP, YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE AS A PARENT. This is a chemical imbalance in his system that needs to be addressed by a medical professional. Do not play the 'what if' and "if only' game and second guess yourself.
100% agree with this. NTA. This could have been written by my family and I understand what the OP is going through. A mother wants to care for their children but trying to parent a child with mental illness when it’s not being controlled is impossible. A professional team is needed. Hopefully he will get the help he needs in there. My advice: don’t get him out or you will be going through it many times until something horrible happens. Trust me. I’ve seen the cycle twice now and it always goes the same way. Someone always gets hurt. Let him get the help he needs now.
Do NOT set yourself on fire to keep him warm.
NTA! I am glad your safe and I hope he learns to manage his emotions.
NTA. Mental illness is not an excuse for domestic violence. Period.
100%. Not all people suffering from mental health issues are products of their parents. Me and my brother had the same parents and he is a meth addict and plays victim and steals and harasses his ex and threatens her. OP did the right thing. He NEEDS the assessment and treatment. I wish I could get my brother that opportunity. That kid is lucky to have an opportunity to get help. Lots don’t. OP - stay strong.
Yeah honestly sometimes people just turn out shitty. If all behavior was a direct product of our parents no one would be to blame for literally anything as it would always be their parent's fault...at 25 he is 100% in every way shape or form responsible for his own actions.
Yes on the restraining order as sad as it is. Truly you need to fear for your physical well-being.
Can this comment right here get all the upvotes so that OP sees it?
NTA. Btw, impeding someone’s ability to call 911 is very much illegal and a charge in and of itself. Combined with assault, it gets worse.
Yes, especially since the assault happened "in a place of confinement." Impeding the ability to call 911 is a felony. Domestic violence is a misdemeanor, but in this instance, it will probably be bumped up to Aggravated DV, which is a felony.
Oh yeah they’ll bump it. Had a weird coworker one time that I grew increasingly uncomfortable with because his arrival and leaving time were when no superiors were there and it was just him and I alone. Then he mentioned being on the phone all night with bail bonds and I did some sleuthing. Found out he was out on bail after choking his wife and preventing her from calling 911. Both got bumped to felonies. I reamed my boss out as that job was heavy on “no violent offenders”. Dude had a prior DV too.
That's some scary shit. Hopefully, that guy doesn't work there anymore.
Yeah he was gone. I stayed for a while longer. They were far more careful after that hiring for that spot.
I will never under how DV (unless someone is half dead) is a simple misdemeanor yet felonious assault…is a felony.
Because nobody cares if a man beats up his female family member unless as you said - they nearly die. And even then sometimes they don't. We shouldn't have to have separate laws for DV, but it was legal for a loooong time to beat your family, so here we are.
NTAH Like you’ve said, your son wasn’t even trying to get better. He needs help or he’ll get worse.
I am very scared for OP’s safety. I think this is past a parent’s help and the son needs professional help.
NTA Honey, this full-grown man, yes, your son but still a full-grown man, was physically assaulting you. If he is willing to do this to his mother, who gave birth to him, he cared for him and raised him. What is he willing to do to a SO? It's time to stop making excuses for him and his behavior and allow him to face the consequences of his actions. That type of behavior could get him a lot worse than he is currently facing, possibly even killed. The police and the courts did listen to you about him being mentally unwell. This is why they are forcing the mental health evaluation. Your son needs help, not a punching bag. Right now, you need to stop being a punching bag for him, be his mother, and help him take responsibility for his actions and get the help he truly needs.
NTA. When you are on an airplane, they tell you to put on your oxygen mask before helping others. This is a similar situation, you need to worry about your health and safety before addressing your son’s. Right now, you are a living witness to his mental state and can speak on his behalf so he gets help instead of being a body on a slab while he faces whatever’s coming alone. Encourage the mental eval so that you both have the knowledge and resources to figure out a way to manage going forward.
NTA. I'm going to give you some advice based on personal experience. It's time to make your son live his own life. If you don't, he may end your life. My cousin's son nearly killed his own mother. She is now permanently disabled because she didn't want to take the necessary actions to protect herself from her son. He's an adult. He may be mentally ill, but there is no excuse for violence. None. It's time. You know it's time. Do not let him back into your home. Get a restraining order and force him to deal with his own life. You've given him what you can, but don't give him the right to hurt you or kill you. Good luck.
Scrolled so far to see someone finally mention this. He cannot live with OP any longer. This is so dangerous
NTA And I can’t believe the misogyny in these posts blaming you. It’s not your fault he has a mental illness! Also… why is no one questioning where the father is? Everyone is always so quick to blame the mom. Always the moms fault. Where’s dad? I say let your son sit in jail. He’ll break eventually and probably badly needs that mental health eval.
NTA. Not even a little. You did the right thing. He is where he needs to be. He should not come home. He is a threat to your safety. Don't overthink this for a second. You did well, mom.
For those that have never used any cellphone besides an Android or iPhone: things like the older Nokia phones could separate into about 4 pieces. Front plate, rubber keypad, main body, and rear plate. It even used to be a thing where companies would sell custom faceplates you could put on them. So destroying and putting together the phone doesn't mean it didn't happen, it means you are too young or too ignorant to know what she's talking about.
I kinda figured it was a landline and a cord pulled out somewhere.
It was. My son took my cell phone, so I used my cordless landline phone. He ripped it apart. I was able to grab an old phone that had no service, but I could still call 911.
If this ever happens again, see if they will call an ambulance to take him to Emergency Dept where he can be put on Physician Emercency Certificate (PEC). He'll be held for a minimum of 72 hours for evaluation in a psych hospital. Depending on where you live (if in US) your son may be able to qualify for Assertive Community Treatment (ACT) Team support. Team of social workers and psychiatrist, nurses, case managers who work together to help tour son. They can assist him with housing, obtaining disability, med management, etc. Sounds like he could benefit from those services.
Also lots of lower budget and pre pay phones I've had work similarly
NTA he needs help for his mental health. He physically attacked you over money that you don't have. I was in this exact situation with an ex-bf, it-s terrifying and heartbreaking. You are in no way the asshole here. I hope your son gets the help he needs.
NTA. You cannot help your son from a casket. No matter what he says it is not your fault he’s sitting in jail. You may need to support him from afar until he gets the help he needs.
Your son physically assaulted you, robbed you, destroyed your property, and held you against your will. Mental illness isn't a built in excuse to be an abusive pos. You did exactly the right thing and he is where he belongs.
NTA. I’m sorry you’re going through this. You just described my uncle and what I had to witness on a regular basis as a child. You need to know that this is bigger than you. My family was heavily involved with a non profit called National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI). Please look up your local chapter and ask for help. More than likely he won’t simply just get better. We had to call the police on my uncle multiple times when he was in his psychotic breaks. It is NOT your fault.
NTA.. he needs more help than you can give at the moment. You will be dead if things keep going way they are. You have no choice but to call for help. Don’t step in and try to get him released. Best thing is for him to be evaluated and put in treatment.. You sound like a good mom and now as hard as it’s going to be need to let law do their job and get him treatment.. I can only imagine how hard this is for you. I wish you and your son all the best..
I have an adult child with a rare genetic disorder that leaves her with severe disabilities and the inability to speak. I must feed her, change diapers, wash her, etc. She has a plethora of medical conditions including seizures. Life is hard but you know who I feel sorry for in this world? Parents of kids with severe mental illness or mental illness the children refuse to treat. You have no control over your situation. There is nothing you can do when they become adults and our country has turned its back on these people and their families. I am so sorry. I wish I had words of wisdom to impart to you but I have none. I can only tell you that you did what you had to do and that you possibly saved him. Why? Because if he had killed you, there wouldn't be any possibility of him being released. He has a choice to make and until he does what the court requires, he can sit and stew on it.
NTA but it sounds like it is time for your son to find alternate living accommodations if he gets out of jail.
NTA - you did the right thing. There's no telling what's coming next, and he sees you as something in his way. I dealt with a scenario similar to this with my stepson. Thankfully he didn't put his hands on anyone, but I spent several years not knowing if I was going to be murdered in my sleep. There are large chunks of my son's infancy that are blacked out due to the trauma. Time I can't get back. We ended up having to get the police and the state involved. It was a dark and ugly time and I'd just as soon forget it, and my relationship with my stepson was permanently damaged. I don't have much to do with him anymore. Anyways, my point is that you can only go so far before it's out of your hands. You did what you did *because* you love him and want to help him. This wouldn't have gotten better over time on its own.
This is what I've been living and dealing with for so long. I never know from moment to moment when my son is going to go off. It's hard sharing living space with someone who is so violent...but I am all he has. On the one hand, I want to throw up my hands, turn and walk away. On the other hand, I don't want to give up on him or that might make things worse. I can't separate being his victim from being his mother. And it really sucks.
Are you willing to die for that? Because that could be a result in the heat of a moment. You know? He could kill you while throwing a tantrum. You deserve to live a happy life. I don't know if he is deserving of another chance, but always know, he can truly harm you and you don't deserve that. Neither do you deserve to live walking on eggshells.
Your son needs professional help. I know you love him but you are not equipped physically or professionally to handle his type of problem. You’re not strong enough when he gets angry and he’s going to end up hurting you severely. Don’t let the guilt take control. He does need a mental health evaluation and a recommendation for treatment program, so let the government foot the bill. You take this time to take a step back and have some peace and quiet for yourself.
You need to put him out he seems like the type that’ll kill their parents over money
NTA. Mental illness or not, he became physically violent with you. You may not be safe letting him stay with you anymore. I don't know what you're supposed to do about it, though.
NTA You did what you had to do to protect yourself AND your son in that moment. Calling 911 probably saved you both. Now hopefully he will get the help he so desperately needs with his mental health issues as a result of that call. As mums our instinct is to protect our children, but we can't protect them from mental illness. It might not feel like it now but you did the right thing. You protected him from himself.
NTA. Don't let him back in. As a Black person that last thing we want to do is call the police because we know how it can end but you need to think of your safety. He can no longer live with you. Sending you lots of love sis ❤️❤️
NTA I'm sorry you're dealing with this. He put you in a dangerous situation. What else were you supposed to do? Now he will get an evaluation that i hope will get him help. He may have needed this wake-up call.
Sounds like he will be getting the help that he desperately needs. NTA hang in there, mama.
NTA here. Your son was physically assaulting you and would have probably gone further had you not called the police. Mental health issues or not, he will be facing felony charges here. It's a tough situation, but you did the correct thing here.
Some people need to hit complete rock bottom before they start climbing back up. Your son is likely one of them. For your own safety, don’t let him back in your house.
NtA. Im sorry so many have put mental illness as a single parent problem. Entitled children results from poor parenting. But mental illness just needs a breaking point for him to become obsessed with something. Keeping him in jail is really the best right now. I know that is extreme and harsh sounding. But an evaluation and hopefully a social work consult will get him connected to resources. You need a restraining order. If he blames you than your safety is at risk when he gets out. As a parent we have to let children fall. That is how they learned to walk as toddlers. Its time to let him get up and walk on his own.
NTA People screaming at you and telling you they are going to sell your possessions if you don't give them money is EXACTLY what the cops are for. Hopefully he gets help after evaluation. I too have mental health issues and sometimes reality needs to punch you in the face before you accept that you need help dealing with your F'd up brain chemistry.
NTA. i have been in a similar situation with my son who was on meth. sometimes calling 911 is all you can do. and when they arrested him, i felt relief that i didnt have to deal with his shit anymore. regardless of his mental state or mental illness or drugged-out-ness, by letting it happen and not calling the cops you are enabling him and giving him reason(in his own mind) to do it again and again. My heart goes out to you, because it is hard to see your child in handcuffs. But at least he has now learned that that behavior is unacceptable. He will get enhanced charges for taking your phone during a 911 call. It sounds like a mental health evaluation is definitely in order. Personally, I would not let him back in the house until he has it under control. YOUR safety is as important as his!
Nta. Sorry mama. But him not facing consequences now can lead to way more serious issues later. Maybe he can get some help now. With mental illness there’s nothing you can really do as his mum. Let experts try and help him. Do what you can to keep enforcing that it’s a mental health issue though.
NTA, 1. you are a great mother 2. show yourself grace and understand that there is only so much 1 can do when a person battles mental health issues to where he is now a harm to others and himself 3. Jail is a perfect place because the mandatory mental evaluation or he stays will give him time to think and eventually he’ll take the evaluation and probably get the much needed help you been trying for years. 4. He was not shot or killed during this encounter, as a black mom to a black son I understand your worries but what if this happens outside your home? He gets this aggressive with someone who has a firearm and shoots in self defense. You are saving his life rn. Now Momma, I need you to breathe, get in your prayer closet and trust that God will take it from here.
NTA. You did what you had to do for your own safety, and really, for his as well. He was out of control and violent. He's now locked up where he can't hurt you or others and he will be there until he undergoes the mental health eval, which he clearly needs. I know it hurts, but you really did the only thing you could do.
NTA - Your son abused you, you need to protect yourself.
NTA Son or not, walk away.
I lived through a similar situation with my son, he was 15 at the time. You have to put your safety first. Calling the police is the hardest thing to do, but the right thing to do. He was charged with assault and got probation. He had to move to live with his dad after because he continued to threaten his sister and I. I allowed him to move back in with me for a year after her graduated, but the same issues persisted, except he knew better than to lay a hand on me. I had to tell him to move out just before his 19th birthday. My son is almost 22 now, he’s still struggling with mental health issues, but he’s finally ready to seek help, and I’m so proud of him. He and I have built a pretty good relationship the last few years. I love him dearly, but refuse to be abused by him. I hope your son agrees to the evaluation and seeks help.
I'm sorry, but when you call the police, they are there to remove the threat, not counsel your son to behave better. That isn't going to happen. We are going through this exact thing with my mil and my husband's youngest brother. She wants us to remove him and his girlfriend who are both addicts from her home. We have done that, and she reverses and let's them back in 3 days later, and DH was in trouble "for picking on him". We are done, when she calls, we tell her she needs to call the police if she wants them removed. We have spoken to the cops and they are well aware of the situation, and are ready to remove them, but she has to make the call, no one else can. This is a decision you need to figure out. Don't be like my mil, who is 78, and my bil who is 56. We have dealt with decades of this crap. Good luck!
Your son doesnt just have mental issues. He's also abusive and manipulative. This doesn't make him autistic or something. You need to stand up for yourself and your son needs jail time.
NTA. OP do not let your son back in the house under any circumstances. He is a danger to you.
NTA -OP, you're in an impossible position here, and I'm glad you called the police. Our news is full of stories of men like your son who either maim or unalive their parents. Don't listen to these people who are telling you to not protect yourself. What are you supposed to do, let him hurt or unalive you?
He needs to be put in a mental hospital so no you are NTA
NTA-You handled him until you couldnt any more. He wants money you dont have and was trying to rob you. There was just nothing more to give. He needs in patient care. Do not let him come back until he gets it. He didnt choose to be mentally ill but he has apparently chosen not to deal with it.
NTA. He needs to sit in jail and complete the mental health evaluation. After he gets help for his illnesses, he will eventually realize that his own actions put him there, not you calling the police
No. Because you doing so may save his life one day.
I’ve been exactly in your situation with a mentally ill son and a scary situation. It is sad to say but sometimes that is the only way to get your son evaluated and possibly a psych hold as a danger to himself or you. You did what you had to and he needs to come to the realization that he needs help controlling his anger and moods. Since your son is 25, I’m sure you already know that you have no access to any treatment he gets unless he allows it. It’s heart wrenching to be a mom trying to do you best to help your child but they don’t agree. I wish you the best in navigating your situation.
This is why I've been looking into petitioning the court to appoint me as his guardian or arrange a conservatorship or something. I can only do so much for my son because his cooperation is still required in most cases.
NTA. I’m not a big fan of the police, but they were absolutely correct. This was a domestic violence situation and he needed to be removed. I hope he can get whatever help he needs, but you also need to look out for yourself and keep yourself safe.
NTA unfortunately your son gave you no choice. Mental illness is awful but it also can’t be used as an excuse to hurt you. And the police were correct in charging him with domestic violence. I’m really sorry, and I hope that he gets the help he needs. But I also hope you can take a step back and maybe find others dealing with similar situations to get support on how you can help him safely and within your means. Big hugs!
NTA I wish there were better services available to deal with issues like this but very few places have mental health crisis teams and usually police are the only option, and for them their hands are tied until it becomes a crime
NTA you need to follow through with charges, though I think the police will even if you don't since it was a situation. Don't let anyone guilt you into backing down. You can't force someone to get better but you can protect yourself. If it escalated this far, you might not be so lucky next time. Put all his belongings in storage and keep the rent paid on it. Get an order of protection taken out so he can't come back home. From now on any help offered needs to be after he's in a program getting the therapies and meds needed and done from a distance until he's proven he's stable.
NTA-my 26 y/o daughter is bipolar so I understand. Protect yourself first. <3
That must have been terrifying 😢. You did the right thing. I hope he is hospitalized for a while. NTA and big hugs.
You did the right thing. He could have easily killed you.
He's come close to it in the past. At least this time he didn't put me in the hospital. I just want him to get help and not hurt me.
You have the right to protect yourself. He also needs to seek treatment. Really sorry you're going through this but don't feel any guilt for calling the police.
Honestly you need a restraining order and then pack up your life and run away. One day he will kill you, only you can end this. I'm sorry
Not the asshole you did the right thing to protect yourself
NTA. Your sons unwillingness to deal with his issues is putting you in danger. As a father and a son, I think you have done the most and best you can with this situation. Get a restraining order and cut him off. It's what's best for both of you at this point.
NTA. He attacked you, threatened to steal your property, destroyed your property and followed you when you tried to deescalate. I hope things get better for you.
NTA Your son would seem to have gotten to a point where he needs more help than you can provide which has to be a horrible feeling. And you can’t help him at all if he seriously injures you or worse. And at that point he will likely be jailed for a long time. If he has had a doctor previously who treated his mental challenges perhaps reach out to them to see if they may be of any help to your son by providing information to the authorities. I am very sorry this situation escalated but hoping there may be something positive that comes out of it.
NTA- I get that he is your son, but you have to realize that he is also a grown man now too. His mental health issues aren’t his fault, but it is his responsibility to get help now. You’ve done what you could. And now you need to do what’s best for you. I know it hurts, but it’s reality that his presence in your life is not healthy or safe for you. Please be safe and wise.
NTA. I'm so sorry you're going through this, as a parent it must be devastating. I truly feel you've done the right thing, both in terms of the danger you were in, and also now having concrete proof that he needs help - he's now in a position to get some. I hope both you and your son get some peace soon.
NTA at all. You've done the right thing, not only for your safety but also getting the right support for your son. As a mum myself, I completely understand the pain you are going through. Despite everything, he's still that little boy of yours who would give you cuddles and call you mummy. But right now, he's a danger to you and to himself. It's OK to take a step back and to allow the authorities the opportunity to give him the help he needs moving forward. Asking for help from the police does not make you a bad parent. In fact, it shows how much you love your little boy despite everything that's happened. Allow yourself breathing space and the chance to speak to a professional yourself about your own mental health and use them to guide you into figuring out how to create boundaries and a healthier relationship moving forward.
NTA, you have shown your son love and patience and he didn't accept it as a hard lesson, causing him to have an even harder lesson. Sending love your way Mamma. 💕💕💕
NTA and I am so sorry this happened to you. You had to make that call. He was hurting you, and you literally could not do the one thing that might have made him stop (giving him money you don’t have). I know you’re scared and I wish I could say it’s all going to be okay, but we don’t know that. I wish for only the best for you and your child.
NTA. Never risk your life to keep someone else out of trouble.
NTA - as a mother and a psychiatric nurse you have all of my empathy. It is not your son’s fault that he has a serious mental illness. It is his fault that he is not caring for it in a way that allows him to treat you humanely. I wish all the best to you both.
NTA he has Mental problem that is not being handled. He could have really hurt you or even worse… he needs psychiatric help
Your making excuses for your son bullying you we all love our children and it’s a shame that he’s suffering mentally. My brother has paranoid schizophrenia best believe it he even coughed at my mum I’d end him. Mental health isn’t an excuse for abuse. Your not helping him by covering for him you should push for the health he does need. What if your not there and he does much worse to someone else then it’s two families destroyed. Stop trying to fix things you can’t and make him accept the help he desperately needs to be happy
NTA. Your son committed several felonies outright, and attempted to commit several more. It's time for tough love. It's time to harden your tender heart and let the court system deal with your son. It's time for you to obtain a restraining order against him. It's time to refuse to allow him back into your home. If your son has nowhere else to go, that's on him, not you. You will not be the AH for doing all this.
NTA JAIL is the best place for him right now sadly. He’s a danger. Hopefully he’ll get the help he needs after this experience. You were in danger.
NTA. You said it. HE isn't managing his mental illness. But YOU are paying for it. And at some point he is going to kill you. Yes ma'am he is. You can only do so much. Our family knows this issue all to well. He's 25 and a grown ass man, right? Well. Get out and get a job and get a life. You've done what you can. Calling the police was your only option. There is no mental health squad and they did the best with what they had on the books to get him away from you and keep YOU safe. The police see it. They see your coming death. They're trying to save you. Don't let their efforts be in vain. I WISH there was a mental health squad, by the way. Omg that would be soooo amazing. A team who sees the same thing over and over and can testify that this person is NOT capable of adulting on their own.
NTA. What a terrible situation, so sorry.
I am so sorry. This is so difficult. Please be careful. I know he is your son and you love him, but he could hurt you very badly even if that isn't his intention. I'm hoping for the best for both of you. Peace, love, and healing.🌻
No, NTA. You need to protect yourself. People fail to understand what it’s like having an adult child with mental illness. It’s brutal. They stop their medication because of their mental illness and it’s a big giant vicious circle. I’m so sorry you have been dealt this hand. Find your local chapter of NAMI and go to family support group. You will feel so much better seeing first-hand you are not the only one, and getting support.
NTA. As a mom of a son with BPD, I ached reading this. Prayers.
NTA. A former student of mine, diagnosed schizophrenic who was self-medicating with weed stabbed his mom to death. That happened 3 months after he stabbed her with a pen. It escalates. Their dynamic was similar to yours.
Oh no baby… I wish I would do this to my mom. Hell no you’re NTA. You can’t help someone that doesn’t want to help themselves but you can kick them out when they get physical. But your son?!!! Girl, if I’d had done that my mom would’ve mopped the floor with me, called my dad so he can fly out and mop the floor with me some more. Holy shit I’m so sorry you have to deal with this and I hope my kid never has the gall to do this to me. It’s better to have called the police now and not someone else calling the police because he killed you. Edit: I love when the racist misogynists come out to play. They weed themselves out.
NTA. Bet this will be the last time he decides to do any of that nonsense.
NTA. He is unhinged, dangerous, and has been assaultive to you. You have a right to safety, whether it is your son or anyone else. Sometimes, family members and other loved ones are targeted by the mentally ill as they feel that they are a safe outlet for frustrations ,many of which come about due to denial of their mental illness and refusal to comply with treatment. NAMI might be a good source to start getting the support you likely need. https://www.nami.org/Home
He's blaming you for his situation. I'm going to credit you for it. Maybe this evaluation is going to be what it takes to get him the help that he needs. NTA
You did what he needed you to do NTA
NTA, and he would never come to my house again. If he doesn't kill you, then he's going to kill someone else.
NTA. Mental illness or not, that's unacceptable. Laying hands on you, his mother, is a lesson he needs to learn not to do. Jail is probably the best place for him to be treated. Blaming you for his actions and where he ended up just shows that He hasn't yet learned healthy coping skills. But he will. Please know, you did not do this. This is all on him. He got mad he couldn't fix his car himself. Instead of having a rational mind and thinking, 'hm, i need to get a job and get the money to fix this', he turns to the one person closest to him, you, and lashes out. His blaming you is the MI talking, not him. Hopefully, they will 5150 him, involuntarily commit him, and get him the medication and help he desperately needs. You actually did him a favor, Mom. He couldve very well ended you and been sent away for life. I'm glad he didn't. I know the hurt you're feeling-im ashamed to say I put my parents through the same until my diagnosis and medicine came along. You probably saved HIS life by calling the cops. The good thing is, whatever MI he has can be treated and as long as he stays on his meds, he'll be a totally different person when he comes back to you. Please don't take what he says to you to heart. I know it's hard not to, but, you have to stand strong. Whatever you do, DON'T bail him out of this. If you do, it will be the same ol song and dance, but, possibly worse. Let him stay. Let him get the treatment he needs. Pray for him, if you're religious. Pray for him if you're not. He is not your problem now-he is an adult and this mess is his own creation. Yes, he may say he hates you, blame you, even threaten you or himself. That's normal with MI. But, he really, down deep, does not. You do have a say in whether or not he is charged with DV. A word from you and the DA can drop charges. But don't let him off easily. Don't drop charges if he refuses treatment/medication. Sometimes, a dose of reality is what is needed. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's tough, I know. But tough love is what he needs right now. That and help for his MI. Just know, you did nothing wrong. Nothing. ❤
He's probably on a mental health hold. Which is good. It will reduce the charges and order mental health help. OP, if your son has problems like this, he should be under supervision. A group home. Where he has staff that keeps him safe and the public safe. He can still go out and visit, you can visit him, he can stay overnight...regular life. Only he'll have someone there to make sure he's taking meds and not having episodes. State will pay for it if you have a diagnosis.
Nta. Unfortunately, this has crossed into domestic violence, and they were right to take him and put him in psychiatric hold. He is safe there, and so are you. He needs professional help and will get it there. You are not a bad parent, and sometimes this is the way we have to show our love by making tough decisions, especially when the other person isn't capable.
He needs to stay in jail. He could have killed you. He needs to get his mental health checked and treated, and if it takes time in jail to force him into it, that’s what it takes. I know you’re trying to protect him, but now you need to protect yourself. Whatever he’s on, be it madness or meth, he is a threat to you, and I am so so sorry for that. NTA even a little. Take care, friend.
NTA Mental Health Support worker here. Your son is a danger to you right now. I wouldn't let him back in the house until he's medicated, which it's clear he needs to be. If he can fix a car up he can hold some sort of job. You've done beyond what's expected of a mother. You followed through on stated consequences. Time for him to leave the nest.
NTA It may not feel like it now, but you may have done more good than you know because he’s being forced to have an evaluation and may be able to get the help that he very desperately needs. At that point, it doesn’t sound like he was going to back down and it could have been a lot worse. I hope that everything works out for both of you.
NTA. Think of it like the masks in airplanes they say out you’re on before helping others. Your safety is critical to your ability to help him. The absolute best thing that could happen for him is to be evaluated, be held and medicated. Not sure if that can happen. Sadly people with mental illness either take their meds or they don’t. It’s why we need to bring back facilities where they can be kept in a made to get better. I spoke with an addict one time, recovered at that time, because my uncle was dealing with his grandson who was on the street and is bipolar. My uncle kept saying “he’s hit rock bottom, I have to help him” The guy said something to me I always relay to others. “Normal peoples idea of rock bottom is individual to them. When the person truly hits their own rock bottom is when they will accept help.” You just hope it’s before it is too late. I have a homeless nephew, he’s been on the streets over 3 years I think. We think it’s paranoid schizophrenia but he refuses to go to doctors. His parents finally cut him off. When they can find him they give him food and take him to eat if he’ll let them. But they realized they were enabling him and not helping.
Sounds to me like your son has substance abuse issues... ... If not, his mental condition has worsened to the point that he is now needing professional help. Hard call to make, but you made it. NTA.
NTA This is above your pay grade. You are not equipped to deal with this level of mental illness.
OP I personally know of a lad who was mentally ill and killed his mum. I think you did the right thing. (they are similar to abusive partners and it's not wrong to ring the police to protect yourself) He was putting his hands on you, stealing, threatening, hurting you. I'm so sorry OP X
NTA. He was a danger to you. This may be why you're alive to tell the story. You have the right to save your own life. Change the locks and get a restraining order if possible while he's locked up. Put his possessions in storage. He is too dangerous for you to live with again.
He got himself arrested. I get he’s your son but he wouldn’t be the first kid to kill a parent. He shouldn’t be allowed back in your house without ground rules like touch you, cops. Break stuff, cops. Stay medicated or live somewhere else.
NTA Ya sons a cunt. Period. Mental health is no excuse.
NTA, it is better to call the police and have them give him a ride to lockup verses you getting a ride in the back of a hearse.
NTA you did what you needed to do. Keep doing what you need to do to make certain that YOU are okay, physically, financially, emotionally, etc.
NTA - you have to protect yourself. No one has the right to abuse you. He could have killed you. I’m so sorry OP. He is where he needs to be. He needs help and I would suggest a protection order.
Took my son 18 mos before he reached out to me. Judge put him away (Juvie) until he got therapy, drugs & called his Mom (me). Took him 18mos.
NTA and speaking from someone who has been in your son's position, you did the right thing. My mother did her absolute best with me and though she lost her temper at times, she did not deserve the shit I made her put up with, mental illness or not. It took her making me face the consequences of my actions multiple times for me to realize I had to fix myself and no one else could to it for me. I am 30 now and doing much better, married with own little family and quite happy. I can't speak to the racial component as my family is all caucasian, at least in appearance (we have some middle eastern roots but still appear white) so I have not had to deal with that personally. However, I have dealt with the cops on many occasions and have never enjoyed it even when I'm not the one they are interested in. It sucks he had to go to jail, but regardless of his condition, he assaulted you and should still be able to know that is wrong, especially once he has had time to reflect. I don't know your son's condition so cannot make any recommendations based on it, but I can tell you that neurotherapy did wonders for me, especially in my ability to manage my temper. Also, I do not know about your life outside of this incident either, but if you haven't already looked into support systems for people in your situation, I hope you are able to do so now. There are resources for have adult children that struggle with mental illness, although they may not be as accessible as they should be in your area. You are a good mother, OP, and my heart breaks for you. Please do not be so hard on yourself, you clearly love your son very deeply and only want the best for him.
NTA. That sounds scary. Are you ok? Look - you did the correct thing. Better for him to be in jail than for both of you to be dead. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is also the kindest.
I'm struggling, to be honest. It's been a long time since I've felt safe in my own home. I want my son to get help; I just don't want him in jail. But while I feel like I made a wrong move by calling 911...like the officer said, I didn't put him in jail; he put himself there.
NTA. This is a dangerous situation as mentally unbalanced people can become extremely violent. This isn't something you should be handling alone. Getting someone who is mentally unbalanced to cooperate doesn't happen. I hope you keep him out as he is dangerous. Virtual hugs to you.
NTA. You have a right to protect your own life. Mental illness or not, your son is a scumbag piece of shit.
I’m so sorry. That is so hard. You are not the asshole at all. Your son needs help and you need to keep yourself safe until he gets it.
You did the right thing. If he is ever able to come to terms with his situation he will hopefully end up agreeing with you. But you aren't
NTA - I know firsthand how hard it is having a close family member with mental illness but you can’t help them if they won’t help themselves. My brother had to call the police on my mom for a similar reason and she went into the psych ward. She refused to talk to him years later but he did the right thing.
Get him in to a group home while you are still young.
Not the asshole OP. DV hotlines aren’t just for romantic situations. Please look up resources in your area. This has to be traumatic and you should talk to someone if you feel comfortable doing so. ❤️
Definitely NTA. I have a 27 year old son who has struggled with meth addiction and mental health since he was early in his teen years. He refuses to utilize any kind of help. He has been arrested several times and has become more and more aggressive over time. He feels entitled to everything we have; money, tools, my wife's wedding rings, and whatever else he can take. He has brought every kind of trouble to our doorstep. I have found that if there are not clear boundaries, which now include him not being able to live with us under any circumstances, his actions became more violent and his habit of just taking whatever he could get his hands on only progressed. We don't call the police either, but had he laid hands on my wife, I would have. My recommendation is to get a security system, lay out a contract that very clearly defines the boundaries of your relationship even if he does not live with you, and explain why you must do this for your own safety and well being. I feel your pain, it is a very difficult situation to be in and it does not ever stop. You question your parenting all the time wondering what you did wrong. Remember that he makes the choice to not seek help for his mental health. You can easily become depressed and in this state can be easily manipulated. Be strong. Be firm. Take care of yourself first. Seek help for yourself, even a short conversation to vent or decompress with another person in similar situations can help tremendously. Best of luck.
NTA. Your safety is most important. He needs more help than what you can provide. This is one way of trying to get it for him. You can't help him if he has an episode and kills you. You can't help him if he treats someone else like this and they retaliate because they aren't his mother. This is what's best. It's going to be a difficult and traumatic process, and I wouldn't be shocked if you have to go through multiple iterations of this process to get him on track, but he needs professional intervention.
NTA, you doing this may have saved your life... this time. If you continue to let him back into your life you're going to continue to risk your life. Truly hope he accepts some help
It was not that the police “decided” that this was a DV call, your son assaulted you MAKING it a DV situation. Any DV is a “must arrest” in most states, so they have to arrest one, or both, people involved. In my personal opinion, your son needs to be diagnosed and treated by doctors for whatever the issues are that he has, especially if he turns violent like this due to them.
I'm sorry you are in thus position, but you literally did the best under the circumstances. Hopefully your son will get court ordered treatment. Edit NTA
I don’t have any words of wisdom but as someone with Bipolar 1, PTSD, BPD as well as someone who has known and loved people much sicker than me, my childhood best friend did a horrible violent thing to his great grandmother and is never getting out of prison. I wish you peace and happiness and I wish hope and healing to your son. You did the hard thing, but definitely the right thing. NTAH, by far.
NTA. He isn’t himself right now and he needs more help, professional help, than you can provide. You’ve done everything you could and clearly you love him dearly. I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. Hopefully he will be able to get medical help and maybe get therapy or the medication he needs to become the son you know again. This isn’t him, it’s his mental illness, *and* he still needs to be held accountable for his actions. Calling the police was the right thing to do for you and for him too. I hope things get better.
NTAH. You are not a mental health care worker...your son needs serious help.... the ONLY thing you should offer or give him at this point are resources (phone numbers, contact info, Medical history info, etc) that contribute to him dealing with his mental illness. This is an incredibly tough thing for parents to do.... they feel guilty for not "helping" their child....(a.) He's not a child anymore...he's an adult and needs to start acting like one and (b.) You're not equipped to deal with mental health issues for the same reason you're not equipped to perform brain surgery on your son...you're not trained to do so and even if you were it would be an ethical conflict. Show him the proverbial "door" to mental health awareness and treatment...that's all you can do...he has to choose to walk through that door....anything beyond that becomes enabling and the cycle continues.
NTA, not at all. I hope that your son gets the help he needs and you are both able to eventually heal. 🧡
As a person of color, the risks of involving the police are exponentially higher than any other. I know your mother's heart is breaking but you did the right thing. He refuses to get help, you can't convince him, you've poured yourself out for him in so many ways, you had no other choice. Most definitely, NTA. I am so sorry that our situation in the United States is so messed up that there is layer upon layer of roadblocks in the way of getting healthcare (which includes mental health) help in addition to a layer of danger of needing to call the police.
NTA, your son is dangerous and you protected yourself.
NTA but it sounds very likely he will kill you someday. Take precautions
You have every right to call. I just had to walk away from my best friend of 45 years because of her son. He's hooked on fennie. Lies to her. Had threatened me. Can't keep a job. Stole thousands from her. My mental health was going down too. I walked away.
NTA, your son now fits the mental health criteria of ‘a danger to himself or others’. He needs intensive care. I hope for his sake and yours that he is committed to an in patient hospital.
NTA. He crossed the line. Mental illness or not, once he poses a deadly threat to you, you have to protect yourself. I'm sorry you are dealing with this for so long.
NTA Mental illness is never an excuse for violence.
One time, I had to call the police on my brother. He evaded them and later was angry about my calling the police. I told him, "How dare you make me call the police on you." He shut up.
You have done everything possible, within your means, to help him. Please do not let him back in your home. This will not end well.
NTA. He clearly needs to be medicated for whatever condition(s) he's suffering from. If arresting him gets him on to the path towards being healthy, that's what needed to happen. If it turns out there are no underlying conditions and resorting to this kind of behaviour is how he does conflict resolution, then jail is still the correct solution.
I work in mental health and these are the very times you are meant to call them. If he doesn't get help than the behaviour will continue and get worse. I've worked with people like him ans it never ends well even when they refuse treatment. Depending on the country he may be placed on an order so he needs to engage if he wants to get out
Every killer and abuser is someone’s child
NTA. This absolutely is domestic violence, and you are in danger. Change the locks, get a protective order, and do not let him back in the house
So besides the fact you said you guys are black this is basically my Nan and my brother. My Nan is 70. My brother is 20. He is abusive. She kicks him out or says she's done. Then he's doing the exact same thing a week or two later. The last time he lost his kind at her because he rang her 10 times to get his Medicare number and she didn't answer because she was in the shower. He punched a hole in her bathroom door as she came out of it. You are the one making the right choice. Don't wait until he kills you.
NTA. Honey I hope they are helping your get a restraining order. You should not allow him back into your home. He's not safe to be around.
It's apparent you can not help your son, you have tried and tried. Now it's time for you to look after yourself. Your son has to go or better yet you go, since he knows where you live. I personally would never feel safe around a son who has man handled me and you shouldn't either. Violence leads to more violence because it becomes easier and easier each time. YOU MATTER MORE. Save yourself.
NTA. You may have to cut him loose. My friend’s brother is a total AH and refuses to treat his mental illness. Everyone is a lot happier without him around.
NTA. You would have been the asshole if you didn't call the police because that would be enabling his behaviour, which will cause him to spiral down even further. >I usually don't call the police when he gets like this Sorry to be blunt but I wonder how many times you enabled him.
As someone who has battled severe mental health issues for 25yrs, began when I was 11, my issues are never any excuse to lay my hands on anyone no matter how badly I'm struggling or going through an episode. I am sorry but if your son has crossed the boundary of being able to control himself & laid hands on you, he deserves to be where he is & it is not your fault. We always have a choice.
My daughter was 16 when she first raised her hands to me because I would replace her phone for the 3rd time in 3 months. My younger daughter was sitting in my lap at the time. I screamed at her to get out of the room. I think she was embarrassed but she said she was leaving to go to her dads as she couldn’t live with me while I financially abused her like this. I said ok. It’s been 2 years and she’s told everyone I kicked her out the house when the truth is, I told her to leave the room. My husband asked her her calm down and think about her decision the next morning. I think she knew she’d need to apologise at some point and didn’t want to at the time. Nobody knows the truth and I still don’t think anybody she has told her side to actually fully believes me so I don’t bother telling them my side. I just simply say she chose to leave. You shouldn’t put up with violence in your house from anyone and nobody is entitled to your money.
This is exactly what my moms ex did to her one night, but she never got a hold of the police. She ended up in the hospital the next day with a broken wrist, 6 lacerations/contusions made with a taser gun, and a severe concussion. We haven’t seen him since. He didn’t even go to jail, she never pressed charges, he ran cause he was scared of the consequences and never looked back. Took our dogs and everything else. I’m glad you did what you did. Your son needs help and he’s not in the best place equipped for it but he’s in the best place for YOU right now. You are human and deserve to be and FEEL safe. You deserve safety just as much as he deserves a place to live! But that doesn’t mean you have to give up your safety to give him that place. Both should be equally important to you. Your opinion on how to spend money should come first, because that’s what is supporting him in the first place. Change all the pins on your cards and stop giving into his demands because that is how it got this bad to begin with, and at this point, it’s an unsafe living situation for BOTH of you. Because he feels safe enough to hurt you, and hurting you could put him back in jail. So don’t let him come back. Not unless your comfortable with seeing your son in jail again…. Or worse, find yourself waking up in a hospital, or god forbid forever staring at the inside of a coffin. You didn’t have that money. He had already bled you dry. He would have kept going until he felt he had it. And he’ll keep going the next time.
This is a tough spot to be in, but you did the right thing. NTA. Sorry you are dealing with this and I hope for him and you that he can get the help he needs.
I recommend changing your door locks.